#use citations even if that citations is ‘my friend said this’

[z-h-i-e]

There’s a lot going on in the world right now (and even that phrase seems like an understatement). Just as I did my friendly neighborhood librarian PSA for Snopes when the pandemic began, once again, Snopes, my friends.

Before you got reblog on that news story you’re not sure of, Snopes. Before you make a passionate post about something you overheard, Snopes. Freaking out about a piece of news you saw written or flashed across your screen, Snopes.

As a librarian, I have many encounters with people asking for fact checking of a current event, and while no one is perfect, Snopes has been around for a while, does the digging for answers, and shares with honesty what they have gathered. They may not always be able to definitely label something as true or false, but you will usually get far more information from this source than many others, which is good to have before sharing something you’re not entirely sure of. And you can contact them to send them posts if you would like them to investigate (though they can’t get back personally to people, it does help them track down what’s out on the internet and research it.)

#Snopes #fact checking the world #current events #fact check before you post #fact check before you repost #use citations even if that citations is ‘my friend said this’ #mindful thoughtful social media skills

[yanderestarangel]

☆𝐘𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐌𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐞𝐥 𝐎'𝐇𝐚𝐫𝐚 𝐱 𝐀𝐅𝐀𝐁 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 ♡

TW: Yandere themes, manipulation, daddy issues lightly considered, rough sex, non con, dub con, Daddykink, manipulation,age gap, reader is of legal age, nsfw, smut, blood, death citation, bites, bloodkink, Dark!Miguel O'Hara, vaginal sex, creampie, AFAB READER, Pet names, DILF! Miguel O'Hara.

You really didn't know how you ended up in that situation, your life turned upside down overnight.

You were a normal person, you had a best friend, a monotonous and routine life, always doing the same things over and over, repeating the days every week or month, but you liked it, it was your pattern. until Miguel O'Hara came into your life.

Miguel met you through an unfortunate coincidence, he was the father of Briella, the little girl you were hired to take care of and give tutoring in literature and grammar after college classes, you accepted because you needed money and enjoyed teaching the little girl but I had never seen her father's face, Miguel always left early for work which no one knew exactly what it was, he always tried to be punctual, not wanting to leave his daughter in your hands more than necessary so as not to bother you, but he had been late that day, and that's when it all started.

You taught Briella peacefully, a few books spread across the white marble table while you recited some tale by 'Edgar Allan Poe' requested by Briella herself, Miguel was an hour late that day, having been trapped on a mission in the Spider Society, fighting against another anomaly, but it took off running and throwing red webs home quickly.

Miguel composed himself as he entered the house, soon encountering you, your aura light and angelic even, your features, your body covered by the soft fabrics of your clothes, the world of O'Hara stopped there, he felt the heat in his chest, such warmth that he had not known that his Briella's mother and his late wife had died, but now you were there, before him, like a graceful and beautiful angel.

You could have sworn you saw two red hearts in the older man's irises, and it was strangely disturbing, Miguel's lower lip trembled with anticipation and desire, a desire to make you his, physically and emotionally, body and soul, every particle and The atom of his being, wholly O'Hara's, was his new life goal and he would do anything to get what he wanted.

You two spoke quickly and he apologized, trying to keep his composure and not do anything stupid in front of his daughter or scare you, but from that day on, your monotonous life wasn't so monotonous anymore, you felt someone watching over you, someone was around, you could feel it and it was awful.

Miguel also strangely increased the time you were supposed to teach Briella, the problem is that every time you went, the little girl wasn't there but her father, Miguel, always with a warm smile but masked by something darker, something that slowly surface of the "Good single dad" facade, and soon you fell into his Perfect facade, to your bad luck.

Miguel started giving you very expensive gifts or extra money, even if you denied it, he always said the same sentence.

"-Don't worry mi carinõ, that's nothing, you are an angel in my life and my daughter's." - Miguel would speak with a smile of white teeth and a little shaky as he watched your body and face.

𝑯𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒌

𝑴𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒆𝒍 𝑶'𝑯𝒂𝒓𝒂 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒌

𝑯𝒆 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒕𝒐𝒕𝒂𝒍𝒍𝒚 𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒎𝒂𝒏

𝑨 𝒎𝒂𝒏 𝒔𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒚𝒐𝒖<3

Soon the manifestations of possession would start, mainly manipulation, he would talk like a "concerned father" because you are younger than him, but in reality he would just use some of his mental and family instability to bring you into the web of possession it, especially if you have Daddy issues.

He will love to know that.

He'll be everything you want him to be, he'll start taking care of you, calling you "My good boy/girl" every time you do something nice or warm to him and Briella, complimenting you on how you look, asking if you ate or remembering how important you are, even if they are Miguel's genuine concerns, he will also use this to manipulate you and keep you close, you are his after all, even if you don't know it yet.

Bonus: he would force you to call him "Daddy", "Papi", "Papito" or "Sir" as a form of respect (But he knew it was for his own satisfaction, as a title that marked that you were his to him do whatever he wanted, you were his to own and keep, you are the love of his life whether you like it or not.)

Miguel will also push any love interest out of his life, regardless of sex or gender, he is an influential man in the multiverse and powerful, both physically and in status.

He will manipulate you so much that you will find yourself locked in his mansion with a luxurious and comfortable room, with no access to the outside world, just him and Briella, Miguel will manipulate Briella into believing that you are going to be her new Dad/Mom, while smiling little girl believed tall mexican's lies.

"-Oh that was your boyfriend? I'm sorry dear/sweetheart, his muscles were no use after all."

-Miguel would speak with a malicious and psychotic smile with fangs dirty with human blood. You will never leave there and if you try Miguel will punish you severely, either with poison bites, paralyzing you for a few minutes.

Leaving sexual pheromones and making you writhe with pain and lust and you won't be able to touch yourself, with Miguel watching you with a malicious and cruel smile.

Or worst case scenario, fuck you mercilessly, he'll thrust his cock inside you without warning after lubricating it with a little saliva and his fingers, with all his strength, trapping your body underneath him easily, while you listened to the older man moan and growl words of possession as he felt his cock hit your uterus and rise in your womb, while Miguel growled.

"-You are... Fuck so tight... (Y/N) you should have just stayed quiet, why did you try to run away from me? Don't you like your Daddy Miguel anymore? Hm?" - Miguel would speak in a mocking tone as he struck harder, holding your hips and leaving painful marks on your flesh with the tip of his claws.

"-I'll fuck your fucking brains out if you keep being a shitty brat, just obey me and everything will be fine."

- Miguel would speak with a sadistic and cruel voice, while he played with your clitoris with strength and anger, while he continued to stick his dick in your tight pussy, a painful and delicious mixture, you couldn't take it anymore, it was the fifth orgasm of the night, but Miguel wasn't going to stop, he never was.

"-I would destroy everything for you and build everything again from the ashes if you asked me to, and you still say I don't love you?" - Miguel O'Hara would speak with a few tears of pleasure in his eyes as he came inside you, painting your pussy with hot, thick cum, biting your neck hard and leaving a painful trail of blood and vicious bites.

♡Some quotes from Yandere Miguel O'Hara♡:

"-I really don't think you should try to get rid of me. If you try again I swear I'll make them all suffer in front of you."

"I really would hate to hurt you but you don't give me any choice darling/dear."

"I finally found you. You are so silly aren't you? You really need a punishment."

"You can't run away from me my love. If you leave my side I swear I will kill anyone who tries to help you leave my side and I would kill myself in front of you."

"I adore you so much, I would literally rip my heart out and give it to you, kneel at your feet and kiss the ground you walk on."

#yandere headcanons #yanderestarangel #miguel o'hara #miguel o'hara smut #miguel o'hara x y/n #miguel ohara #yandere #yandere miguel o'hara #yandere miguel x reader #yandere miguel ohara #yandere x female reader #yandere x ftm reader #yandere x y/n #yandere x you #yandere spiderman #yandere spiderman 2099 #yandere male #dark smut #dark concept #dark miguel o'hara #dark miguel ohara x reader #yandere concept

[vicissicude]

reading the transcript of james somerton's video and here's some notable stuff for people who dont want to watch the 34 minute long thing:

it opens with him saying his media blackout is because he was in the hospital for "trying to do something really stupid"

the first thing approaching an apology in this apology video is at the timestamp 2:20

immediately after saying "i'm really really sorry" he says that in title cards he tried to put "this is based on this person's research or this person's book" but he "knows that isnt enough now"

"there were a lot of times that stuff just got put in and there was no attempt at crediting anybody and i'm really really sorry" nice passive voice james

he claims he didnt know he was hurting people doing this

he spends two minutes explaining how long he's been friends with nick and all their history and that nick has not spoken with him since "this happened"

"I also want to apologize for the misinformation and just outright lies that ended up in the videos I can honestly say that I never intended for any of that stuff to be in the videos. And most cases I didn't write it but I should have […] I should have been more diligent about factchecking" he never intended lies to be in the video, just pure good research that he stole. research that he later says he took for granted

he briefly thanks harris and his team for the fund set up for victims of plagiarism and says he wants to help but doesn't know how

less than a second later he's saying that all claims and estimations of how much he makes online are overestimated and that he split everything 50/50 with nick

he says his plan moving forward is to reupload all the videos, put credit in the description, and then somehow send the ad revenue for those videos to the authors whose research he stole. do those authors want that? wonder if he even asked them. i mean if he stole my shit for a video i wouldnt want him to reupload with a credit in the description and whatever paltry cents i get from the few views he'll manage after this

"I never thought anyone thought that I was doing like journalism on stuff. I don't think anyone did, but the people who actually were doing it should have been given the credit they deserved." wild sentence bro

he once again defends his title card citations in two videos and appends "but now I know that's not how citation works" so why are you still saying it...

at some point he'd like to do videos again, and his plan for that is "videos that are fully sourced where I will put a link to the script where you can find all of the sources so that everyone is properly given the credit that they deserve." now i could be reading this purposefully negatively but this just sounds like a description citation again but with extra steps

he wants to be a "really good example" of proper citation

"People think that I hate ace people and women and bisexual people and lesbians and that's not true. I'm sorry that stuff made it into the videos. I promise you I did not write that stuff. I should have been a lot more extracting when Nick and I would be editing scripts but I promise you that I don't think those things […] when it came to that I would just kind of run with Nick's judgement and his observations and stuff like that." SO THE ONE THING THAT HARRIS SAID WAS NOT PLAGIARIZED AND SEEMED TO BE JAMES'S REAL OPINION HE WANTS US TO KNOW THAT HE DEFINITELY DOESNT FEEL THAT WAY AND WAS JUST PARROTING NICK'S OPINION. but dont worry right after this he assures us he's not trying to "throw Nick under the bus"

he says he thinks they were just trying to do videos too fast and writing and editing too fast

"Telos was never a scam. It was never a grift or anything like that I swear it was not. In the next couple of days I'm going to send out a message to the supporters on Indiegogo and explain the whole situation in more detail to them." can't wait to read that explanation

he spends more time talking about the videos he'd like to make in the future

"I actually liked doing research. I loved doing research, reading the books and articles and stuff like that. The part of me that was lazy was the copy and paste part. I wasn't trying to be malicious that was just laziness." james. that's not as great of an explanation as you might think. it just shows how blatantly you dont respect or care for other creators. you only did it because you believed you could get away with it, not just because you were lazy

he says the reason he's reactivating his patreon is because there were several people online theorizing that his plan was to relaunch in january to pull surprise billing and run with the money. so he said he's relaunching now to give people time to leave ("which i imagine will be the vast majority" can't pass up the opportunity to be self-deprecating)

he ends the video restating what he said earlier in the video

notably he's crying the whole time

one thing i'll say is that i didn't see anything that indicated he communicated with harris or kat or anyone. it sounded like he was coming up with that plan on the fly. i'm not surprised if he claimed it elsewhere or has failed to follow up on that promise, but it has only been 5 hours since release (at the time i'm typing this). so at least he's not making claims quite as bold as "i've been in communication with hbomberguy"

#james somerton #hbomberguy

[trikaranos]

TRIKARANOS: THE PROLOGUE

TRIKARANOS is a dramatized narrative based on ancient events following Crassus (and Pompey and Caesar) through the years 87-48 BCE. Intended for an adult audience.

⭐ Trikaranos will always be free to read (in the near future, you’ll have the option to support this comic & my ability to make it through Patreon!)

⭐ There is no set update schedule (chapters vary in length and will be posted as I finish working on them)

⭐ alternative places to read it (coming soon!)

CREDITS all additional art used are in the Public Domain [as per the Met's Open Access policy]

🍊 The Abduction of the Sabine Women, Nicolas Poussin 🍊 Obverse, a Terracotta neck-amphora depicting Aeneas rescuing his father, Anchises, during the fall of Troy. [description taken from the Met] 🍊 compositional study for The Lictors Bringing Brutus the Bodies of his Sons, Jacques Louis David 🍊The Battle of Vercellae, Giovanni Battista Tiepolo 🍊 The Capture of Carthage, Giovanni Battista Tiepolo

UNDER THE CUT creator's commentary, ancient citations, whatever else seems relevant. ideally, this is optional! you shouldn't need the citations for it to make sense as it unfolds since it's a comic and a story first and foremost, but it's here if you're curious and want to see where the inspiration is coming from!

so! there are a couple of accounts about the return of Marius and Cinna, I've chosen Appian's account for the primary source of inspiration, although I've cut the cast down to it's barest essentials because I want the claustrophobia of violence to really eat itself.

Cinna now began to despise his enemies and drew near to the wall, halting out of range, and encamped. Octavius and his party were undecided and fearful, and hesitated to attack him on account of the desertions and the negotiations. The Senate was greatly perplexed and considered it a dreadful thing to depose Lucius Merula, the priest of Jupiter, who had been chosen consul in place of Cinna, and who had done nothing wrong in his office. Yet on account of the impending danger it reluctantly sent envoys to Cinna again, and this time as consul. They no longer expected favourable terms, so they only asked that Cinna should swear to them that he would abstain from bloodshed. He refused to take the oath, but he promised nevertheless that he would not willingly be the cause of anybody's death. He directed, however, that Octavius, who had gone round and entered the city by another gate, should keep away from the forum lest anything should befall him against his own will. This answer he delivered to the envoys from a high platform in his character as consul. Marius stood in silence beside the curule chair, but showed by the asperity of his countenance the slaughter he contemplated. When the Senate had accepted these terms and had invited Cinna and Marius to enter (for it was understood that, while it was Cinna's name which appeared, the moving spirit was Marius), the latter said with a scornful smile that it was not lawful for men banished to enter. Forthwith the tribunes voted to repeal the decree of banishment against him and all the others who were expelled under the consul­ship of Sulla.

Accordingly Cinna and Marius entered the city and everybody received them with fear. Straightway they began to plunder without hindrance all the goods of those who were supposed to be of the opposite party. Cinna and Marius had sworn to Octavius, and the augurs and soothsayers had predicted, that he would suffer no harm, yet his friends advised him to fly. He replied that he would never desert the city while he was consul. So he withdrew from the forum to the Janiculum with the nobility and what was left of his army, where he occupied the curule chair and wore the robes of office, attended as consul by lictors. Here he was attacked by Censorinus with a body of horse, and again his friends and the soldiers who stood by him urged him to fly and brought him his horse, but he disdained even to arise, and awaited death. Censorinus cut off his head and carried it to Cinna, and it was suspended in the forum in front of the rostra, the first head of a consul that was so exposed. After him the heads of others who were slain were suspended there; and this shocking custom, which began with Octavius, was not discontinued, but was handed down to subsequent massacres.

Appian, Civil Wars I, 70-71 (trans. Horace White)

Plutarch's biography of Marius also recounts the same event, but I was leaning more on Appian for this.

ALSO! the choice to use Giovanni Battista Tiepolo's painting The Capture of Carthage as a backdrop to Octavius: it's because Cinna and Octavius were co consuls for a minute and Rome and Carthage are twin cities (instar Carthaginis urbem babyyy), and I do love the doubling/twin-ification of a thing. which is what co consuls are to me. we're overlapping the themes, in addition to the overlapping of violence, which is what all iterations of Rome are founded on.

Textual Monuments: Reconstructing Carthage in Augustan Literary Culture, Nora Goldschmidt

the chapter cover is my own illustration of an Etruscan kantharos because Crassus may or may not have had some kind of Etruscan heritage. YMMV but for me it's fun to think about

Marcus Crassus and the Late Roman Republic, Allen Mason Ward (& the citation!)

#trikaranos the komik

[elliespectacular]

Any tips on how to correctly credit clips used in YTP? I'm very lost when it comes to finding copyright info and stuff like that.

The stakes are pretty low for YouTube Poop and crediting clips in the video/description is not standard practice - but it's a good thing to do! That said I am not an authority on this and even my method has some blind spots. These are just some generally good ideas for being a slightly-more-courteous-than-average shitposter.

The acknowledgement is the most important part, stating outright what the names of the sources are. Pay attention to the official titles of what you use and try to trace them to their original form - for example in The Price is Rice COMPLETE I wanted to credit the gamer-themed Dust-Off commercial I used in The Price is Rice Jr. Usually ads are more difficult to track down than other kinds of televised media, so often "___ TV Spot" does the job, but a quick peek at the official YouTube channel reveals that the ad's actual name was How to properly clean your gaming computer.

Then there's an acknowledgement of the owner. I try to list composers for music, directors for film, and of course artists for art. You aren't required to give an exhaustive list of every single contributor to the art you've sampled, but make sure you credit the person/company it belongs to at the very least. Going back to the Dust-Off example, the YouTube video contained a link to dust-off . com which now redirects to falconsafety . com - I lucked out because the top of the page indicates clearly that Dust-Off is a product owned by Falcon Safety Products Inc. but this info is often in the About section of a website or at the bottom of the page.

I like to throw the year on each YTP credit as well. Academic citations usually require a more precise publication date if available. Among other benefits it helps distinguish between things with the same name/owner that were rebooted later - for example there are multiple games called Sonic the Hedgehog owned by SEGA from different years (In fact in this example there are two games from 1991 so it's also important to note what system the game is for!) Generally your source credits should communicate to a viewer where to start looking for a specific thing or who to ask.

You can use Wikipedia to orient yourself if you need a lead on where to start tracking down copyright information for popular media, but make sure you cross-reference what's there with other sources. For Movies/TV I usually just look at the very end of their credits which usually has the copyright info. For music I use Discogs. Sometimes for more obscure or less-documented things I have to do some search-engine sleuthing.

If you're stuck, ask a friend for help! It can be fun and rewarding to track down something that isn't answered by a quick google search, and like most things turning it into a collaborative effort makes it less of a slog.

Copyright acknowledgement is tricky to do correctly and not every Best Practice applies to each situation. There may come a day when MLA-style citations become normal or required even for shitposts and your due diligence will become greater. Do your best, give credit where it's due, and you'll be fine :)

#ytp #youtube poop #ask

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

#edward teach#im an adhd ed truther & this is so fucking true.#also shows how you view people w/ adhd if you’re specifically using it as an excuse to do this. (via @ourflagmeanscatboy on this post by @jaskierx)

I don't want to derail a post about racism, but I do feel like this shit needs to get talked about.

Because people will say literally the most deranged shit about Ed. I've heard the idea that he's gonna lose interest in Stede because he views people as hyperfixations floated. He's volitile and unstable (citation needed) he's messy (but he thinks pets befoul the ship and he couldn't believe he was living like this after letting Stede's cabin get covered in maybe a weeks worth of depression clutter) he needs a minder (despite constantly minding other characters). And all of that shit when pointed out as racist invariably gets explained away with "but I think he has ADHD"

And it's like, first of all that's a headcannon you have, where as his race is very much cannon. so I think even if you have the adhd headcannon, which to be clear, I do, you still need to lend more credence to the marginalized identities that are in fact cannon about him. That's not to say that these two things are contradictory it's just to say that you need to treat your headcannons about a character of color with awareness for how their race overlaps with other identities they might have and how their race might be impacting their behavior, and how projecting issues onto them, even if those issues are things you yourself struggle with, might be perceived by fans of color who are already constantly fielding racism both in fandom and in their every day lives.

but second of all, and I cannot stress this enough, yall are ableist as fuck.

Like, I simply do not know how to explain to you people that Ed losing Interest in Stede like that would not be a symptom of ADHD because treating PEOPLE like HYPERFIXATIONS is not a symptom of ADHD. If someone loses interest in you because they have adhd, and I feel like I've said this before, one of three things happened. A. they did not lose interest in you they are just forgetful and do not experience friendship decay so they think you are still friends, B. You were never a friend to begin with you were someone they exclusively did their hyperfixations with, or C. you are blaming the ADHD for something completely unrelated friendships fall apart all the time.

And it's like that example is just the most egregious. half the time when I see ADHD headcannons nobody's talking about like... Ed picking up a brand new activity on a whim, or him tattooing himself because he's experiencing the evil boredom. It's all gotta be traits contradicted by canon. And often it has to be about pain and suffering, and often it really just feels like an excuse to make up bullshit about Ed while beating the racism allegations.

and there's two enormous issues with this. The first one is that if you're gonna have a headcannon about a character you have to figure out how to apply the headcanon to that character without making up a brand new guy. Ed is in the 99th percentile in terms of executive function. His executive functioning skills are genuinely a strength for him. He can't stand mess and he keeps a clean ship, he doesn't get angry unless directly provoked. He also has a large number of shitty tattoos on his person, he stims, he's probably got some hyperactivity going on, and some emotional dis-regulation in terms of managing his disappointment and catastrophising. You have to actually look at the character and figure out what cannon things translate into ADHD and what adhd traits are contradicted by cannon and if you're just hollowing him out and putting an ablist idea of ADHD in as a stand in for a personality.

Like.. ok. My favoriate cannon ADHD rep in the world is the Percy Jackson series. Every one of those kids has adhd and dyslexia. This does not stop Annabeth from being a very functional character with a million irons in the fire who's an avid reader and a Smart Girl TM. Percy by contrast cannot focus for five seconds especially when you put a book in front of him, but he can think on his feet really well. Both of these characters are fairly realistic representations of ADHD because sometimes ADHD is severe executive dysfunction and mess and emotional dis-regulation, sometimes ADHD is having a million projects going at once in a desperate attempt to beat the evil boredom and sometimes it's being able to pick up new things with relative ease. Different people have different levels of these things, which is why in my favoriate childhood book series Rick Riordan was able to have so many different diverse characters with distinct personalities and have them all believably have ADHD.

But a lot of people who headcannon Ed as ADHD don't seem to be interested in figuring out how Ed's personality is compatible with that headcannon, they just want to hollow him out and give him every symptom ever and it's just like... oh, so that's what you think of us then. got it cool.

[ququb444hm]

𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤𝐬 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭, 𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐢𝐝

part 30 / sassy man apocalypse ☆

masterlist

warning(s): *REUPLOAD* bc i didnt like the first one n i am in love with angst/comfort, possible typos, profanity, kys joke

rain pitter-pattered against the glass windows of mr. ramirez’s classroom as soft jazz filled the empty conversations of college students writing out their history essays due at the end of the week. 

“aw man. what the hell.” rin groaned as he accidentally wrote down the wrong citation on his worksheet. “mori, do you have white-out? i keep fucking messing up and i’m so close to throwing the whole paper away.”

rummaging through his green pencil pouch, the sandy blond shook his head with a frown. “think i might’ve forgotten it in my dorm, sorry. nn* might have some though,” he stood up from his chair, walking over to yn’s table which was as quiet as ever.

(nn = nickname)

keiji had just left to go use the bathroom a few minutes ago, the seat in front of his being vacant also because that student barely came to class, today was no different. the girl who was assigned to sit in front of yn was fast asleep and the other kid who was supposed to be in front of kozume had moved to talk to their friend across the room. this left yn and kozume alone together. awkward. 

but yn didn’t seem to care... or to notice.

actually, she didn’t even seem mentally present.

mr. ramirez was still getting used to being in a physical classroom after persistently having asynchronous classes for almost two years because he simply “didn’t wanna get out of bed.”— he often supported his statement by falling asleep after his short lectures and with the current weather, it was easy to do so. 

so whenever yn had history class, it was basically a free period. which was very much needed after the conversation she had the previous day with shoyou. just what did he mean when he said kozume was scared of letting himself be happy? so focused on the question at hand that everything around her all mushed together into an unimportant blur. the pen in her dominant hand moved on autopilot, creating messy scribbles all over her notebook– seemingly illustrating her disordered mind.

“yn, do you have any white-out? cause oh! uh-” mori peeked over her shoulder, seeing the black ink pour out of the pen and dance like there was no tomorrow all over the lined paper. “uhm.. yn?”

noticing her unresponsive behavior, kozume placed a gentle hand over hers, squeezing it ever so slightly. “hey,” his soft touch mixed with the familiar comforting sound of his voice lulled yn’s tangled thoughts, bringing her back to the present moment. “are you okay? mori was trying to talk to you but you weren’t responding.”

“hm? oh.” collecting herself, yn turned to face her friend with a smile. “sorry, mori.”

the libero raised a brow at the interaction, his eyes lingering on the physical contact of their hands that still continued even with yn snapped out of her daze. “uh yeah, all good, nn. rin just needed some white-out 'cause i forgot mine. so i’ll be taking this-” he situated himself in between yn and kozume’s chairs, purposely hovering the top half of his body over their joined hands (with his ass poking out because of the weird position) to emphasize his nonverbal disapproval at the blond, before dramatically grabbing the white-out and dragging it to the edge of the desk, successfully (and awkwardly) separating their hands in the process. “pleasure doing business with you.” he chirped, giving kozume a dirty look before trudging back to his own table.

“sorry.” kozume mumbled, turning his attention back to his work. he internally groaned, scolding himself for what he did. ‘couldn’t you just tap her shoulder? but noooo you just can’t keep your hands off her. stupid.’

“it’s okay.” yn reassured. “actually, kozume i-” the sound of the chair next to her sliding against the vinyl flooring made her stop her sentence– keiji was back. “nevermind."

as time drew on, it was finally the end of morning classes, and yet it was still pouring outside. even heavier than when class started.

“be careful out there!” mr. ramirez warned, watching as students bustled out of his class and into the rain. “make sure to turn your essays in by friday, midnight! each minute after the deadline is my increasing disappointment in all of you!”

“you sure you’re okay going with him?” mori asked for the fifth time as yn packed her bag. kozume blankly stared at mori, wanting to get out of the class as soon as possible because he could feel keiji staring at them, eavesdropping on the conversation. he internally begged keiji wouldn’t try to confront him about walking with yn. 

but, in all honestly…he was a little happy that yn had asked. even if it was because of tetsu. he missed her. every single fiber in his body yearned to be with her. hate coursed his body ever since that night. but only for himself. he wouldn’t, couldn’t, never blame anyone else, even keiji, for his actions because he knew that in the end, he was the one that told yn all those cruel words. so when yn asked if he could accompany her to pick up tetsu, he was grateful that they were able to have some time alone. just the two of them.

yn sent her friend a comforting smile. “i’ll be okay, don’t worry about me. just let coach know we’re gonna be a little late m’kay?” mori sighed, knowing he couldn’t change her mind even if he physically dragged yn away from kozume– they’d just find their way back to each other one way or another.

“see you.” rin murmured, ruffling yn’s hair before walking out with mori.

“which building is tetsu in?” kozume asked, getting his umbrella ready.

yn fixed the straps of her bag, waving at mr. rameriz as she and kozume exited the class before answering, “pretty sure it's on the second floor of T building.”

“ohh.”

“is that okay?”

“yeah. that’s okay.”

the walk to T building was quiet and a bit tense. yn fidgeted with her hands, shoyou’s words still circulating through her mind. she wanted answers from kozume. she wanted him to tell her why things were the way they were between them. but she didn’t want to force it out of him. she wanted kozume to come to her first. her eyes focused on the path in front, letting the sound of the rain calm her down. 

kozume on the other hand, he couldn’t stop staring at her. he never could in the first place. yn was just so spellbinding, and the rain wasn’t helping in the slightest. he had so much to say, but he could never find the right words when it came to her. he stopped in his tracks, holding onto the umbrella tightly. his free hand pulled at the hem of yn’s jacket so they were facing each other. “yn, i’m sorry.” his voice was soft. it was almost hard to hear over the harsh rain. 

the sudden gesture caught yn off guard. “wha..?” kozume’s apology, though expected because of how much they both knew his words affected yn, came out of nowhere. “kozume-”

“i know i haven’t been honest with you, but i..” he pursed his lips, mind going blank as he stared into yn’s inquisitive eyes. “i don’t know what to do.” his voice sounding desperate. sounding lost.

“kozume,” every time she said his name, it felt like a stab to the heart. he missed how her voice was laced with so much love when she’d call him kozu or koz, but now his name seemed foreign as it rolled off her tongue. she placed a comforting hand on his, returning the gentle squeeze he gave her previously. “you’re my friend before anything that happens. i don’t know what’s happening with you, and it physically hurts to have you push me away, but i’ll always want to be someone you can talk to.” her thumb rubbed the back of his hand, soothing all his anxious assumptions of how the conversation would’ve turned out.

her touch was so soft and warm, a heavenly contrast to the heavy rainfall. kozume’s features relaxed, his head falling forward to rest on yn’s shoulder. her other hand reached to caress his head. “i don’t want to keep hurting you.” he mumbled.

“i don’t want to keep getting hurt either, kozume.”

“i know, i’m sorry yn. please be a little more patient with me. i didn’t mean anything i said that night, i was just overwhelmed and i regret taking it out on you.”

yn continued running her fingers through his blond hair. she slowly nodded, letting his words sink in. “i don’t forgive you for what you said, and how you constantly kept confusing me before that night, but i’m not mad at you, kozume.” her hold on his hand tightened in just the slightest. “it hurt when you made me feel you liked me back and kissed me only to call everything a mistake, and it hurt when you told me you weren’t being honest with me just now. you hurt me kozume, but still, i don’t want to lose you.”

the two stayed in their positions for a few more minutes. allowing themselves to bask in each other’s comfort. yn was the only good thing in kozume’s life, he knew that. and for a moment he let himself forget just how much he needed her. but he wouldn’t make the same mistake again. 

he knew he had to talk to keiji.

“what took you guys so long?!” tetsu fussed. after what was about 15 minutes since the bell, the two had finally made it to tetsurou’s class. “and why is my sister wet, kozu!? i thought you had an umbrella??” he quickly removed his own jacket, placing it on top of yn’s smaller figure. 

“it’s raining hard as fuck out there.” kozume groaned, also damp from the rain

“why do you guys still have practice anyway.” yn shivered, wrapping herself in the added fabric. “i know your game is coming up but what if some of you get sick?”

“no pain, no gain!” tetsu insisted, grabbing kozume’s umbrella from him and pushing the two out of the class. “now we gotta hurry..coach called me like three times telling me to get my ass to the gym!”

yn checked her phone to see if she had gotten a call also,

2 missed calls from milo’s dad 🫶🏼 1 missed call from SUNAVABITCH 🤣🤣 3 missed calls from alcoholic (coach) ⭐️

“well, fuck.”

part 29 secret little personal diary <- | masterlist | -> part 31 old man

note(s): me when i lie n say i'll finish this before thanksgiving break but i didn't >p< (IM SORRY.) anyways.. am i or am i not dragging their argument too long like.. let's wrap it up kenma! also i don't like the ending..but i wanted to post SOMETHING so i might change it later. next part is also written.. but AFTER that r a few text msgs :3

✩⡱ taglist !! + @writing-for-the-hell-of-it @sherryuki-callmeyuki @anny-bah @ast4rg1rl @sukunasrealgf @dani-shitting-around @whokillednyx @vernon-dursley @limaswife @sugawara-levi @sixxze @ryoiii @literally-a-ferret @444sunarin @llearlert @lloyd4x @usermins @2baddies-1porsche @vernon-dursley @lyzisbitchingagain @h3xi2g0n3 @l0v3do11 lmk if u want to be added (msg or inbox)ヾ(･ω･`；)ﾉ

#🐈.thanksalotcupid #kozume kenma #kenma kozume #kozume kenma x reader #kozume kenma x fem!reader #kenma kozume x reader #kenma kozume x fem!reader #kenma x reader #kozume x reader #smau #kenma smau #haikyuu #haikyuu smau #haikyuu!! #haikyuu!! smau

[venusandsaturnsrings]

i just got back from a trip and,,,,, frat bot childe u say 👀

- so picture this: young freshman college readers stepping into the wider world of young adults for the first time

- what their naive little head didn't know is that a certain frat leader had their eyes on u the moment u stepped into the gates

- it's no wonder why ur college life had been smooth sailing: people greeting u and doing u favors, certain boys anxiously keeping other boys from approaching u, it's like someone higher up is watching over u

- that said, there's no such thing as free lunch so while ur flying high and living well, someone's gotta bring u back down. and the higher u were, the deeper ur fall,,,

- sudden student debts u were sure u didn't apply for began piling up in ur name, u found out u were blacklisted and banned from important campus stores, even certain professors look at u with disdain

- u have no clue what's going on and as u were at ur wits end, a certain infamous frat leader lends his hand towards ur way

- honestly u were just grateful someone actually gave a fuck in ur situation to think things through and while promising this orange haired sleazy man a date or two for helping u out is a bit weird, u didn't think it was dangerous.

- so off goes ur debts and ur blacklists and the professors that hated u turned up and were transferred into a different dep.

- u were so grateful that u were even looking forward to this date with ur mysterious savior.

- turns out he just wanted to have fun and get to know u in one of his hosted parties :>

- u had a blast, said u were willing to go out with him again and so ur college life continues

- after a few more rowdy parties and him introducing u to his other members with a possessive grip onto ur waist, ur trust in him is at a 100% not even caring to ask.

- childe smiles lovingly,,, bringing u back to his frat house after one of the most drunken wild party u had been to with him. he had planned for this afterall so there was no one in the immediate building and to those who had seen him carry u there,,, well, they turn a blind eye to it

- free to do what he pleases, he takes advantage of ur state and lives out his wildest fantasies: fucked every hole he could fit his dick into, made sure to cum in all of them to claim u as his, definitely fucked u in ever surface of the building that he could and ofc, had every single position and session of ur lovemaking taped, recorded, and saved.

LETS GOOOO MORE FOOD FROM MY FAV NONNIE!! he’s so gross and sleazy and i want him so bad it’s insane… he cannot keep his dick in his pants but he’s so desperate to seem Normal to get to you… i’m creaming ong U^ェ^U also perhaps important to note: i'm canadian so i always say 'university' instead of 'college' because its the word we use here :p i'm pretty sure they mean the same thing?? anyways, barely over 2k words btc!!

contains: fem/afab reader, chubby reader, drinking, smoking, frat boy childe, manipulation, stalker behaviour, dubc0n

new experiences were nerve wracking for anyone, you included. being somewhere you'd never touched and meeting people you'd never seen always had your heart beating faster than usual. perhaps you were a bit of a people pleaser but the idea of someone even slightly disliking you had you worried beyond belief. you always made sure to treat people kindly and do favours whenever you could even if it was an inconvenience. having people consider you 'good' and 'nice' had its perks. so, upon attending your very first university classes you made sure to be extra careful of being nice to everyone you met. and it seemed to work!

people returned your kindness in full and sometimes more. you made friends with nearly everyone and earned the highest grades on projects you thought you'd surely fail on. it seemed bizarre to have so many people at your beck and call and full marks on papers with missing citations but you weren't going to complain. it all would make your life and career far easier. you never found yourself harassed by creeps on campus as well even though they seemed to be lurking around every corner for other girls at the school. it was as though you worked as some sort of repellant for them. if any of your friends found themselves at the receiving end of unwanted advances you'd simply enter the room and the perpetrator would flee seemingly terrified. things only got more odd from there. gifts in your locker or handed off by random people only stating they're from 'an admirer' and professors seeking your approval on assignments and gradings. you felt like you were becoming the god or teacher over all these people and it was beyond overwhelming. with one passing comment to a close friend you had shared wishes of merely living a normal university life of struggling and having fun through sleep deprivation and caffeine. the friend shared sympathies with you and agreed your experience was odd and that was it.

the following days, everything crashed down. people you once regarded as close stopped talking to you, letter asking for debts to the university to be paid or they'd terminate you, and teachers you once thought cared for you and your opinions sneered at your mere presence. it felt as though your silly wish had unfortunately become beyond true. you were struggling and alone. suddenly days spent laughing and having fun were instead filled with tears and desperate attempts at correcting a mistake that was no fault of your own. life had done a complete one-eighty at the worst time possible for you.

it was around ten in the evening that you had stepped out for a walk to hopefully get fresh air and clear your head. you needed to figure out what exactly happened and how but you only ran into blank walls. no amount of crisp autumn air or songs from your favourite artists could fix the suffering you had been cruelly gifted. your fingers played with the edges of the sleeves on your knit sweater; it was your comfort clothing piece. the colour of a chai latte and perhaps a bit worn and certainly too large on you but it was still as soothing and soft as ever. you breathed deeply focusing on putting one foot in front of the other and not just fleeing the whole world to live in the forest for the rest of forever. the thought was more than tempting but you were determined to get to the bottom of this not-so-mysterious mystery. with your mind so focused on not shedding more tears you were oblivious to the tall and lithe ginger body sliding up next to yours until a large hand took one earbud out of your ear and put it in his own. the boldness had startled you and you jolted. the handsome stranger smiled at you.

"Kendrick Lamar, huh? good taste, sweetheart." his voice was milky and sweet like whipped cream. with a boyish charm, crooked smile, and scars painting his exposed shoulders he was rather enchanting. "whats a girl like you doin' out so late? there's some... unsavoury people around at this time. i'd hate to see someone as cute as you get hurt." he seemed to care which was unusual for people around you these days. "most people call me Childe, it's a silly nickname i'm aware, but i'd prefer for you to use my actual name; Ajax," he offered an endearing smile, "what's yours, girlie?" the compliments never seemed to stop flowing from this guys, Ajax's, mouth. starved of attention, you ate up every second of it. he turned out to be rather good company during this episode of self-loathing you were in. you were actually disappointed when you found yourself back in front of your house and in need of some sleep. Ajax took your phone out of your pocket, however, and asked to input his own number. he wanted to spend time with you the way no one else had desired these days.

the first messages you had exchanged were greetings and shared photos of family and pets. Ajax turned out to have a major soft spot for his siblings as well as his pet dog back home, Snjeg; name courtesy of his younger brother, Teucer. following the simple and average conversation, he extended his help with your current predicament. you didn't know exactly what his help entailed but you were willing to try anything. in exchange, he only asked for a thank you... and a date? it was a strange offer from who you learned to be a mega popular frat leader but you were in no position to decline. Ajax seemed more than eager to help.

within another handful of days, the debt demands were rescinded and any money you owed prior was paid in full. you never saw the teachers that came to hate you and people treated you with the highest regards once again. life was back to the way it used to be before and you nearly wondered if the suffering you had felt was all in your head. Ajax would simply reassure you saying there was indeed a large misunderstanding but he took care of it! the problem did exist and he solved it all by himself. you were beyond grateful and found yourself sufficiently fond of him. any day you couldn't see him had you whining about missing him over text and begging him to finally take you on the date you promised him. your clinginess was cute to Ajax. soon enough, he texted you details of when he'd take you out at last. he sent a small dress code and told you he'd stop by to pick you up around eleven at night. you thought the time was oddly late but you were just happy to finally be going out with him.

that evening you found yourself pulling on a cute little white dress with earrings, shoes, and undergarments to match. you thought you looked good this evening and Ajax seemed to agree based on the look he gave you when you opened the door.

"look at you, girlie, all dressed up for me? c'mon give me a little spin." he extended a hand to twirl you around and hummed in satisfaction. "you're too cute for your own good. it's gonna be a real task to make sure all hands, except mine, stay off you tonight," the teasing remark was accented with his usual charming smile. you had chosen to forgo a bag for the evening and simply shoved your phone in such in Ajax's pockets which he had no qualms with. he saw it as the ultimate form of trust; to leave all of your important objects in his hands.

he walked you over to his expensive car and opened the door for you. he's a real gentleman, as it turns out, and also a very good driver. the drive was spent with small talk, loud music, and his right hand squeezing at your plump thigh softly. your smile surely looked dazed but so did his. once parked he opened your door for you once again and took you by the hand into a large party held in what looked to be a very expensive house. the whole place was filled with the smell of alcohol, weed, and sweat but with Ajax holding you to his side you felt safe. he introduced you to each of his friends and fellow frat members tucked close to his side and shared every drink with you. cups and cans were passed between your mouths with giggles and slurred words coming from you. stepping outside, Ajax had pulled out a joint he rolled himself to share with you which was passed back and forth less as he seemed to prefer to shotgun the smoke straight into your mouth. the action was sensual and attractive so you certainly didn't mind. following that, more drinks were shared the same way. he'd take a sip himself before taking another one and funneling it into your mouth through sloppy kisses. there was definitely a sizable amount dripping down your chins and onto your clothes but you were too crossfaded to notice or care. at around two in the morning Ajax half carried you back to his car and to his own frat house.

he stripped you of your clothes that were now stained with drinks you didn't even know the name of. through clenched teeth, he caressed your body covered only in the flimsy white fabric of your bra and panties. with soft touches, he slid off the material from your soft form. his cold fingers ghosted over every curve and crevice of your lucid form. Ajax reviled in the small mewls and whimpers you let out just for him. perhaps it was morally wrong but he knew all of the frat members had done far worse before. soon enough he shed his own clothing as well to softly grind into the soft and wet folds of your sweet pussy. his mouth traveled over all surfaces of your body and licked the sticky residue of countless drinks from your chest as his hands fumbled to open and set up his phone to record the heavenly sight below him.

Ajax found himself slipping his cock into you slowly. even when you were only half conscious you were just so tight around his girthy length. he rutted into you at a pace that had you fading in between awake and asleep between the heated kisses and sloppy thrusts. his dick explored every surface and hole of your body to leave countless loads of himself leaking from you. you just looked far too pretty with thick seed dripping from your dripping cunt and agape mouth. his smile was far off as he angled his phone to capture every movement, every sound, and every ounce of his spend leaking from your beautiful form. you were manhandled from his floor to his bed to his desk and to the bathroom. he had muttered empty promises of cleaning you up in the shower only to continue plunging in and out of your well used holes with water flowing down between your breasts and creating more loud noises as his hips hit your thighs and face. Ajax made sure to feed every hole of yours generously. only once he felt satisfied did he stop.

his large hands gently patted you dry after washing you with his own scent as he whispered soft praise to your barely conscious body. he placed gentle kisses to your cheeks, hands, forehead, and lips as he cleaned you and dressed you in his own shirt. no way was Ajax putting panties on you when he knew he'd need to go at you again in no time.

you'd go on countless more dates with him the future, surely. he knew how to make you feel safe and pleasured. there was no one else that mattered. only you and Ajax. <3

#cw: manipulation #cw: dubcon #cw: stalker #frat au #frat boy childe #childe x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin x you #tartaglia x reader #female reader #chubby reader

[lamija-v]

I just can’t fathom that a female would choose to be with someone that hunted her sister, an accidental accomplice to ending her human life, that still visits Tamlin, and lives in a house her exfinacee provides. That’s a lot. Especially the housing. How do you come back from that? I’m not trying to be all mean but I’m asking honestly how can someone come back from all that and be Elain’s love interest?

Usually I wouldn’t respond to this but here we are…

1) “hunted her sister” & “accidental accomplice to ending her human life”

You answered your own question – accidental. Lucien had no idea about the whole Hybern situation, and he did not approve of it when he found out but it was already too late. He couldn’t do anything at that point, and even if he tried to you do remember that the King was there? He would just lose his head.

In beginning of ACOMAF when Tamlin was starting to abuse Feyre, he tried to help. I don’t have the books right now to actually give citation needed for this so I looked on wiki:

“…he does what he can to alleviate some of that control, often at the expense of his own well-being. From providing her with weapons to hide on her person when Tamlin wouldn't, to begging Tamlin to allow Feyre to properly train and use her newfound powers, Lucien was seemingly the only member of the Spring Court to fight for her autonomy. When Tamlin locked her in his manor, Lucien urged her to be patient, promising to see what he could do in order to set her free, despite the threats on his life.”

I think you can see yourself that he tried. Tamlin obviously wasn’t listening to him anymore, and he is a High Lord – what do you think he could’ve done more? His entire life depends on the Spring Court as he has been welcomed to it after Beron murdered Jesminda, it’s the only place he could call home (at that point in the book). Tamlin was unstable, if he could’ve hurt Feyre he could’ve hurt Lucien too. He is a diplomat, not a warrior, and doesn’t have Rhys’ influence as a HL to do anything more.

Also: when he came for Feyre at Night Court you have to see things from his perspective. Feyre, in his eyes, was at the heart of enemy territory, in court of a man who he knows only as Amarantha’s whore for last 49 years, who murdered A LOT of people on Amarantha’s behalf, and who hurt Feyre too.

In ACOWAR, when he had to decide, he went with Feyre. He fought on NC’a behalf by finding Vassa and Father Archeron

Feyre considers him to be a friend.

2) still visits Tamlin

I mean….yeah? Tamlin was his best friend for hundreds of years, he gave him a home after the Autumn Court fiasco. It’s not easy to move on from that.

I do hope he moves on in next book because we know Tamlin hurts him too.

3) house Graysen provided

To be honest, I don’t really know what to say for this because I don’t see anything wrong with it.

In ACOFAS he said he has nowhere to go, him not being homeless is fine with me LOL.

Side note: him living in a house Graysen provided is by far the least concerning thing you mentioned

IN SHORT:

I explained to you my views, but I don’t expect you to like Lucien or Elucien. That’s not my job nor do I care. I have nothing against Elriel, Vassien, or any other ship. You can ship whatever you want, but I do not like people twisting characters to fit their ideals. I am just a teenage girl shipping words on paper, I do not hurt anyone

I do have to say tho, Rhys and Feyre had a rougher start than these two (UTM was HORRIFYING) yet they worked out. Peace out.

#acotar #elucien #lucien vanserra #pro lucien vanserra #pro elucien #I will always defend my man #this most likely has mistakes as I am not a native english speaker but I don’t gaf #ngl seeing this message pissed me off so I went on a small rant #sorry mutuals #a court of thorns and roses #sarah j maas

[wingsoverlagos]

Lewisohn's Little Mysteries

I should be posting the next piece dissecting the Mark Lewisohn/Kim Bennett/Parlophone contract saga--it's in the works, I promise! @mythserene and I are typing and scheming and typing some more--but most of my time has been put towards checking a zillion citations, and I wanted to share a little something before my next proper piece. The zillion-checked-citations will hopefully be available in some form soon; enjoy this as a snack to hold you over 'til dinner.

As we know, Mark Lewisohn likes to bust a myth, tear down our preconceived notions, and shed light into the murky corners of Beatles history (source: Mark Lewisohn.) But there's another pattern I've noticed while checking his citations: he likes to inject a little ambiguity every now and then where perfect clarity is possible.

I've run across a few cases of this--I'll try to dig those out and add them later--but I was struck by this example from The Best of Fellas (2002), Spencer Leigh's biography of Bob Wooler. Lewisohn sets up a little mystery, writes that there's something we simply don't know--all the while, the source is perfectly clear.

Tune In 18-46 vs. Leigh 2002 p.147

This section discusses the Beatles' plans to not pay Allan Williams a percentage for their second string of gigs in Hamburg. From Tune In:

Paul tells Bob Wooler they won't be paying Allan Williams commission; Paul adds that he suspects Wooler will tell Williams, as the two are friends. Wooler agrees--yep, he's going to tell Williams. Then Lewisohn introduces his petite paranthetical mystery: "(It isn't clear if or when Wooler did, however.)"

Now, from The Best of Fellas (this, like much of the book, is told through a quote by Bob Wooler himself):

To quote Wooler, "I did tell Allan and he was fuming about this." If you're struggling with the subtlety and intricacy of this quote (hi, Mark!), I'll reiterate the key phrase: "I did tell Allan." Sure, he doesn't give an exact date or anything, but from the general context, we can assume it occurred around the same time.

Why? Why does he do this? He had to actively write out that it "wasn't clear" if Bob told Allan about the Beatles' financial scheme. It would have been simpler (and more correct) to not write that. This is very strange behavior! Though I have a better understanding of Lewisohn than when I started, I still don't get why he does things like this--why introduce this ambiguity to the record when the answer is in your source, in the very same paragraph?

Also strange: that bracketed "to me" at the start of the quote. “Paul said [to me], ‘I suppose you’re going to tell your mate…’” Using brackets to clarify ambiguity in a quote is fine, but where is the ambiguity here? If someone says, “Paul said, ‘You’re going to…’” it is understood that Paul is talking to the speaker. Lewisohn even says, in the sentence before the quote, “Bob Wooler later related how Paul told him that…” There isn’t a shred of ambiguity here. Don’t amend a quote if you don’t have to! Let the words speak for themselves!

Sources:

Leigh S. 2002. The Best Of Fellas: The Story of Bob Wooler, Liverpool’s First D.J. Liverpool: Drivegreen Publications Ltd. 264p. Accessed online 2024 Apr 23. Available from: https://archive.org/details/bestoffellasstor0000leig/mode/2up

Lewisohn M. 2013. The Beatles: All These Years Vol. 1: Tune In. New York (NY): Crown Archetype. [ebook]

#mark lewisohn #the beatles #spencer leigh #tune in #lewi-sins #the best of fellas

[mischieffoal]

Kugrash; Rat Jesus; Bruce Kugrich; you know him, you love him - is a repressed, closeted, gay man. In this essay I will… tell you why I think that, I actually wrote the essay. (It’s not an essay it’s a long text post, it doesn’t have an introduction or a conclusion or citations don’t come for me)

Anyway, I’ve just finished The Unsleeping City chapters 1 and 2 and Kugrash has infested my brain and wormed his slimy way around my heart. I don’t need to proselytise him, if you’re reading this post you already understand the appeal of a crusty, washed-up rat bastard of a terrible father who’s trying to make up for everything he’s ever done. What I particularly loved about him was that he is gay-coded in such a specific way that it makes the poor little meow meow of it all even worse. Was it on purpose? I doubt it. But it certainly is there. 

(I doubt it was on purpose because the joy of D20 is that all the characters are kind of just pan unless specified otherwise and homophobia is only a thing that villains do in the first five minutes of a character’s introduction. So it’s like, I doubt Murph did this on purpose because he’s probably just being very queer friendly and it comes across this way because of the Kugrash of it all)

Evidence that I remembered to write down is as follows: 

Perry the Pigeon

Kug doesn’t actually want to date Perry, but he doesn't object to going to the wedding with him/sort of leads him on/definitely flirts with him/tries to let him down nicely. 

Murph did just choose the name Perry at random. Could have been a girl pigeon, but no. 

Perry is serious about Kugrash. Like, “still mourning him” serious. 

Perry isn’t only into Kug, he is an established gay pigeon who later marries another man (/rabbit)

2. The Kugriches

When the other PCs tell Wally there’s a pigeon with a crush on his dad, Wally immediately asks “What’s his name?”

Wally and David’s mum is out of the picture. David said that Bruce abandoned them when Wally really needed him, which I think implies she’s been gone since before Kugrash was cursed. Why? Who knows, Bruce was a bastard in many ways - but if his sexuality was so obvious that their son can only imagine his dad dating a male pigeon, it was probably obvious to Bruce’s ex. 

3. Lowell Masters

Kingston: finds out Lowell can Identify things by sticking them up his ass Kingston, two seconds later, pointing at his good friend Kugrash: “This man, what is this man?" Lowell: gives Kugrash an ass jacket Kugrash: “Yeah, yeah, sure thanks, appreciate it.”  Kugrash: “I smell like lube now instead of trash.” Kugrash: “We’ll link up at some point”

4. The totems

All men. When the Intrepid Heroes came up with what their totem animals would be in an Adventuring Party, they weren’t particularly gendered, but weren’t sentient either, so who knows what that’s worth

Perry (see Point 1)

The campest unicorn you’ve ever seen or heard in your life

5. Best friends with a hairdresser

6. “You goddamn beautiful boy, you fucker, you absolute arsehole.” I get it, Kug. Ricky does it to us all. 

To me, all of this implies Kugrash is gay, but quietly. He’s certainly not out-and-proud like Pete is, but his children know. Did he tell them or was it obvious? I don’t think Kugrash knows. I think he’s closeted to no-one but himself. A business man in the 1980s isn’t the most likely guy to have searched his soul for any sexual deviancy, and since then he’s been very busy being depressed/ashamed/a literal rat in the sewers. Misty and Kingston do a lot of work to pull him out of the underground and actually talk to human beings again. They know he’s gay, from the things they say about him (see in particular Point 3: Lowell Masters). I don’t think Kugrash would have ever had a “gay awakening” or a “gay panic” if he’d stayed on the mortal plane, I doubt his sexuality would be that shocking or confusing - I just don’t think he’s noticed. 

Being cursed into a ratman gives you the space to learn all sorts of things about yourself, and if that doesn’t quite work, you can always eat an everything bagel and become omniscient, when you can finally realise that Bruce Kugrich was in fact gay the whole time.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk. 

#kugrash #the unsleeping city #unsleeping city #dimension 20 #d20

[amphibious-thing]

One thing Kaz Rowe does, which is not unique amongst youtubers, but still annoys me, is that they will tell you who said a quote but not where they got the quote from. For example this quote is simply cited "Le Chevalier d'Eon".

Misgendering aside this doesn't tell us where or when d'Eon said this. Or whether this is a direct quote or a translation of something she wrote in French. You might think this information would be in the description but no there is just a list of sources not specifying where any quote or particular piece of information is from.

Now in spite of Kaz Rowe's lack of proper citation I can tell you that this quote is actually a translation from Gary Kates book Monsieur d'Eon Is a Woman. Kates citation for this quote is "Préface général de l'éditeur de Paris, qui en 1798 ...," Papers of d'Eon, Brotherton Collection, University of Leeds Library, Box 7, p. 59.

There isn't anything wrong with Rowe using Kates rather than tracking down the original source from the University of Leeds but I do think they should have cited where they got this quote from. There is no mention that this is a translation by Gary Kates. And this isn't just about crediting Kates for his work but also about historical accuracy. Understanding that this is a translation is important. Knowing when and where d'Eon said this is important.

When it comes to a quote I can easily write out that quote and paste it into google and voilà its from Kates book!

But when it comes to claims made in Rowe's own words I have no idea which of their sources they got that information from. In a section of Rowe's video where they explain their choice to use they/them pronouns for d'Eon (in spite of the fact that d'Eon used she/her pronouns) Rowe states:

They also disliked wearing women's clothes in general, as well as the narrow social restrictions that came with being a woman. In one letter, they described themself as a prisoner of war. And in another letter, they described their situation as being forced to take on womanhood.

These are some pretty significant claims so I'd be incredibly interested in what Rowe's sources are. I know d'Eon talked about disliking women's formal dress and preferring women's informal dress, she wrote; "The informal dress suited me very well, but when I had to wear the formal dress with accessories and jewels, it was a great torment for me". (translated in Dressing d'Eon by Kimberly Chrisman-Campbell) But to say she "disliked wearing women's clothes in general" seems to me a bit of an overstatement.

While I'm lost as to which letter in particular d'Eon talked about being "forced to take on womanhood" the words "prisoner of war" certainly rang a bell for me. My initial assumption was that the "letter" that Rowe was referring to was probably not a letter at all but d'Eon's autobiography in which she writes:

It was then that a new theater of confusion and glory opened before me and swallowed me alive in my skirts at Versailles, where I was kept as an honorable prisoner of war in the household of Madame and Mesdemoiselles Genet, ladies-in-waiting to the Queen, who endeavoured to have me emulate their dress, their work, their conduct, and their virtues. They had to please both their mistress, who was a sovereign, and their husbands, who dominated them. For I who have neither husband, nor master, nor mistress, I would like to enjoy the privilege of obeying only myself and good sense.

~ The Chevalière d’Eon, The Maiden of Tonnerre p16

However considering that Rowe doesn't cite The Maiden of Tonnerre as a source its probably actually from Kates who writes:

A few weeks later, d’Eon’s mood had grown even worse. “Don't remind me, Madame,” he wrote to his closest new friend, the Duchesse de Montmorency-Bouteville, “about the errors of my youth, nor the happy follies of my military career, for the problems found in the midst of a war were more pleasing to me than the tranquillity of being in the midst of the Court during peacetime. In actuality, I live here in the respectable home of Mme Genet as an honorable prisoner of war.” Although d’Eon wanted to be known as a woman, he was having trouble defining the kind of woman he might become. Patriarchal France was intent on forcing him to accept a narrow gender role that meant giving up his military and political career.

~ Gary Kates, Monsieur d'Eon Is a Woman p28

Or maybe Rowe is thinking of the following conversation between d'Eon and Marie Antoinette that Kates includes in his book:

“Madame,” d’Eon responded, “today I realize that the death of my past condition gives life and glory to my present state and to the future for eternity. Allow me to swear that I will remain a prisoner of war in skirts, in faith and in homage to the law. For faith is the first theological virtue; without it we are but a drum echo in the air.”

~ Gary Kates, Monsieur d'Eon Is a Woman p31

Or perhaps Rowe is thinking of something else entirely there really isn't any way for me to know because they don't clearly cite a source.

None of this is unique to Kaz Rowe. This criticism could be made about numerous video essayists. Its a symptom of pop history content in general where people who do not have the expertise in a topic attempt to summarise it for people who will likely never do any further research into it. Rowe doesn't have to cite their sources in a comprehensive way because their fans are never going to do in-depth research on d'Eon in the first place. So they can say that d'Eon "described their situation as being forced to take on womanhood" in a "letter" without ever saying which letter they're referring to.

#chevalière d'eon

[cordycepsfem]

Pageboy - Let's Do This Thing

In keeping with my brand of, well, Ellen-posting, since my name is Ellie, I thought I'd continue Ellen-posting by reading a book by someone who used to be named Ellen and doing a review of said book for radblr. I'm going to break it up into chunks so you're not faced with giant posts of me rambling or EP rambling.

I would like to say that I feel like there are very few 30-somethings who should be writing memoirs. I've had a pretty exciting thirty-ish years on the planet and I don't think I'm qualified to write a memoir - not because it wouldn't be full of interesting, beautiful, life-changing, sometimes horrible things but because I'm only thirty-ish. I prefer memoirs by people who've lived a bit longer - but again, this is only my preference. I don't read a lot of memoirs as a whole, I guess.

Anyway.

Ellie's Read and Review of Pageboy (Part One)

Author's Note

EP is "grateful and terrified" because trans people "face increasing physical violence" and "our humanity is regularly 'debated' in the media" (citations not given)

the book would not have been written without the "health care" she received, which seems weird because what she describes in the first paragraph about not being able to write seems like ADHD and instead of taking Adderall and being seen by a therapist she took testosterone and had her breasts surgically removed

quotes Leslie Feinberg who, among other things, was a very serious pronoun enthusiast (as evident by Feinberg's Wikipedia page, no I'm not being sarcastic here, just go read it and tell me I'm not wrong)

I want to be a jackass about the last paragraph of the author's note but even I don't have it in me, because it makes sense and is kind.

Chapter One

EP meets someone named Paula and falls in love with her and they do mushrooms together

She thinks about Paula on her trip through Europe

They go to a gay bar

This line hit far harder than it had any right to:

She kisses Paula and it's marvelous

Chapter Two

The Village Voice writes a shitty article about EP calling her a "dyke" after Juno comes out

which is a name she was called many times growing up in Canada

EP played soccer and once went to a tournament in a town I would visit some twenty-odd years later for very different reasons

this is important because she rooms with a girl she has a crush on

she tries to come out to this girl as bisexual

the girl says "no you're not" and then her friends make fun of EP

I learn that Tim Horton's has bagels, which confuses me but is in fact true

EP's grandmother asks her father what they're going to do if it turns out EP is gay

the lines in this chapter that punched me in the chest:

because fuck yeah I was a fucked up kid who didn't plan to live much beyond age 18, EP, I see you

fame is not what EP thought it might be; she doesn't want to wear a dress to things but somehow they tell her she has to and she isn't allowed to say no (which I get, and is not great, but eventually you need to be able to say no and do what you want)

another magazine in Canada asks if she's gay

Paula from Chapter One is seen with her and it's speculated they're in a relationship; Paula's not out to her family and so things are all very sad and EP feels like she will never be free to be who she is

At this point I am just sad. I came out later in my life (22), and was diagnosed with gender dysphoria much later (33), but at age 12 after a lifetime of wearing dresses and having my hair the way my mother wanted it, I stopped letting that happen. I started to wear what I want. I grew out my hair. I learned about makeup and shaving and for a little bit bought into it and then said "fuck no," which I continue to do to this day because it's bullshit.

Who in EP's life thought it wasn't okay for her to wear pants, and why didn't she or someone else stop them? I've obviously never been a famous actor but as an actor aren't you the person in charge of what happens to your image? Why wasn't her publicist or her agent on her side?

I had a lot of good people in my life who made me believe in a future for myself. Sometimes they had to carry me physically through what was happening to make sure I made it to that future, and I'm here today because those people didn't give up on me. Where were those people in EP's life?

There are things about the EP situation that make me bow in over my ribcage. It's just sad, and seeing paths others take that look like they make sense to everyone but which seem to say something entirely different when looked at upside down... which is a rambling way of saying that it's almost 4 am and someone should have told EP she could have been a happy lesbian who wears pants without having her breasts surgically removed and taking cross-sex hormones.

Anyway, the laundry's done, more later.

#ellie's EP posting #pageboy readthrough #radical feminism #terfs do touch #radblr

[planeyboys]

Winter Hill part one, listen and download on Bandcamp: https://pilkos-musical-wonderland.bandcamp.com/

My first full length LP with many alternating themes to make your genre definition centres explode; more of a musical adventure than you are used to!!

This project started as an idea back in 2012, before I had even learned to play a musical instrument. Recording the demos was done in tandem with learning how to play, and some of the final melodies, as simple as they are, reflect that.

(Pictured: the nylon string and ukulele from which the original melodies were crudely recorded onto my PC through a really bad lapel mic)

The structure of the album came about after my first journey to the real place Winter Hill with a friend in 2015 as we adventured up through Bolton, past all the old industry, and up to the moor. It was a cold October evening and the ideas started flowing.

(Pictured: original cover art before we set everything on fire)

The nurturing musical environment of the music department in my college really helped to finalise the demos and finish off the sketch of what would become the first and second parts, although compositionally and technically compromised, the overall idea felt solid.

(Pictured: hard at work (citation needed))

Recording what would be the final version took two attempts, the first of which was lost to computer issues, hard drive faults and the like. I lost interest for a couple years because of this.

Winters getting darker and more depressing really spurred on the recording of this final version, recorded between October 2021 and May 2023. Between lockdowns and loss in the family I felt I needed a good escape from it all in this project.

(Pictured: tiny aeroplane man who took over as the mascot of the project, to feature in the video going on a journey around Winter Hill)

It reminded me of the good days I had in music tech class in college and brought me back into that hyper focused music composition mindset I felt I had been missing.

(Pictured: A version of the cover art mirroring on one of my very first school art projects from when I was 5 about the fire of London)

And now part one is finished at last, and I can look forward to recording part two knowing that I have remained faithful and have compromised minimally from the original demos, keeping most of those original ideas alive after over 10 years of sitting on them like a mother hen.

(Pictured: the lights twinkling in the distance; a familiar sight to all in the North West)

I look forward to hearing what you think of it! I might not reply to every post but I do enjoy reading them! It would mean a lot to me.

(Pictured: bbq with the fellas at Winter Hill Aerodrome, "just a couple more!!" said the grill master)

Part two coming soon

#aircraft #airplane #avgeek #music #instrumental #winter hill #guitar #acoustic #long play #album #north west england #rivington #bolton

[apenitentialprayer]

I was listening to a brief debate between a Protestant and a Catholic about Mary & whether or not she was sinless. I'm not Catholic myself, but I felt that the Catholic didn't represent his position well. The Protestant said that scripture had evidence of Mary sinning. He cited the passage of the Wedding at Cana in John 2, saying that Mary was wrong to ask Jesus to do a miracle when He did not intend to start his ministry yet. Then he cited Luke 1, talking about how Zachariah was punished for doubting the angel Gabriel when he told him he would have a sin. He argued that Mary sinned in the same way by doubting the angel when he told her she would conceive because she was a virgin. Again, I'm not a Catholic so my church doesn't try to argue scripture teaches Mary was sinless. But I didn't see the Protestant's citations as proof that Mary's sins were recorded in scripture. I think those verses show that Mary is human and not omniscient. What's your take.

Another thing mentioned in the debate was whether or not Mary needed to be conceived without sin in order to have Jesus. The Catholic said Mary could not carry Jesus in sin. The Protestant said that if Mary had to be sinless to conceive the sinless Jesus, then Mary's parents would have to be sinless in order to conceive her. When the Catholic said this didn't apply to Mary, the Protestant replied by saying that in that case, Mary was a greater "god" than Jesus because she could be born sinless from sinful parents. Have you come across this sort of argument in the past?

Hello! Going to answer this kind of quickly, because I would like to go to sleep soon.

I think using John 2 as an example of Mary sinning is an objectively stupid argument, especially in light of Jesus using the Parables of the Persistent Widow and Friend at Midnight in Luke 18 and Luke 11, respectively, in order to say something about the nature of justification and prayer, respectively. Mary continues to plead with her Son, and then tells the servants to "do whatever [God] tells you." If Mary is sinning in this verse, so is every Christian who ever persists in praying for an intention that isn't answered right away.

I think that using Luke 1 is a better potential argument, at least at first glance, because (at first glance) it does in fact seem that Mary is doing just what Zachariah did and was punished for. But, if they are qualitatively similar responses.... why is Zachariah punished, but Mary not? The Church Fathers make their opinion clear; in the words of Maximus of Turin, Zachariah is "unbelieving," and Mary "believing." Zachariah does not believe that it is possible for his wife to get pregnant, while Mary wonders how she will get pregnant when she has not touched a man. It's a difference of scoffing at the miracle vs. wondering how the miracle will be accomplished. This is a view also held by Saints Ambrose, Augustine, Bede, and Justin Martyr.

I think the Catholic commentator made a blunder by trying to defend the (indefensible) claim that Mary needed to be sinless to carry Christ in her womb; I really don't think that you can make an argument for necessity for the Immaculate Conception, but rather an argument for its fittingness. I have seen people argue for its necessity (something not even the Blessed Duns Scotus, champion of the Immaculate Conception belief, did), but I think that it is mostly an attempt to double-down on the doctrine and emphasize its importance rather than a well thought out argument for its truthfulness.

#asks #Catholicism #Virgin Mary #Immaculate Conception #Zechariah #Gospel of Luke #Gospel of John

[pompompurin1028]

"Certainly Humans are Sinfully Stupid, but What's wrong with that?"

Summary: I will be dividing this essay into two main parts to address what Dazai had said in this panel to Dazai-sensei's writing. Then, in one short part I will attempt to connect some of what I had said back to BSD Dazai as a theory.

A/N: Basically take it as me rambling about my favorite bsd dazai panel and some of my personal take on dazai works which escalated and turned out much longer than I originally imagined...  (by that I mean this became 6k+ words) Also just my contribution to Dazai's birthday <3 Also note that use of Chinese is present in this, since it’s much easier to find translated works of Dazai in this language, but if I do quote it, I will attempt to translate it

Warnings: Mentions of suicide, (if you're uncomfortable with it) religious wording, spoilers to some of Dazai's stories (works discussed [in relatively more detail]: No Longer Human, Otogizoshi, Blue Bamboo, Thinking of Zenzo, 正義與微笑, 思考的蘆葦)

1. Dazai about Human Weakness

2. Realization of “Sin”

3. “But what’s wrong with that”?

4. Brief Thoughts on BSD Dazai vs Dazai-sensei

5. Final Notes

6. Citations

This is probably my favourite Dazai panel out of all the manga panels of him there is. From his expression to his words, there's just so much to say about this panel. Yes, it always comes back to this panel with me, and I just incorporated it in my last analysis as well. But what I have more to speak on is how I personally see it connected to my view on Dazai-sensei's works that I have as of now. 

So, I will be dividing this essay into two main parts to address what Dazai had said in this panel to Dazai-sensei's writing. In the first part, I shall address how it connects to my understanding of Dazai's works. Firstly by looking at the "sinful and foolish" part of Dazai's dialogue to Dazai-sensei's views on human weakness. Then, I will further elaborate on the choice of word "sin" which is present in both translations of this panel that I have seen. Finally, I shall address the latter part of Dazai's statement, a seeming acceptance of human weaknesses to Dazai-sensei's acceptance of humans in their paradoxical natures, especially in his middle-period works. Then, in one final part, I will attempt to connect some of what I had said back to BSD Dazai (though I would say this is more of a theory than an analysis).

In addition to Dazai's works, I will also be referring to some academic research in this for the sake of some sort of objectivity and aid, since I am not Japanese, no scholar of Dazai nor Japanese literature, my knowledge can only reach so far (even more so when I am reading translated versions and the fact that I do not know Japanese literary traditions), I am merely someone interested in Dazai’s works… I must also acknowledge that there are some biases on my side since this contains some of my personal interpretation of Dazai's works alongside my limitations since, I have also read a limited amount of Dazai’s works, so take it with a grain of salt, but I wanted to write down my thoughts. As for my Chinese literature/philosophy analysis I have embedded in a minor part, (source?) you can trust me (but as a Chinese person and having studied it as a local I can say with some sort of confidence that I know what I'm talking about).

 1. Dazai about Human Weaknesses

“The weak fear happiness itself. They can harm themselves on cotton wool. Sometimes they are wounded even by happiness.” - No Longer Human[1]

Just as Dazai in this panel addresses the sinfulness and foolishness of humans. Human weakness and the human struggle in life are recurring themes quite often observed in Dazai's writing. In fact, when reading about Dazai in Chinese, I have sometimes come across his work being described as "the weak's literature" and even "the friend of the weak"[2]. In fact, at the end of Dazai’s short story Canis Familiaris he wrote about this directly, saying "the artist is the friend to the weak, that is his first motivation and ultimate goal".

In fact, readers of No Longer Human alone can sense this. Such as from Yozo's acute awareness of how humans behave, with their deceptiveness making it so he is unable to take their words at face value, to within Yozo himself, in that he sees himself as too cowardly, and weak to even reject other people, and even in the acute sensitivity readers see in Yozo which he fails to acknowledge that can be seen in how he equates his father's neutral expressions and lack of words as strong disapproval. I personally see Dazai to also be a quite sensitive person, if you read some of his open letters or just think about how he can acknowledge the things Yozo views in humans in the book.

In other works Dazai has written, human weakness is a concurrent theme. Such as in Run Melos! (a rewrite from an ancient Greek myth) Dazai mainly changed the main character's thoughts, such as considering betrayal and the guilt that follows, and how both Melos and Selinuntius both succumbed to it to some degree. Or how in his novel 《正義與微笑》 (From Chinese would be translated as Justice and Smile, I hadn’t found a translation of it in English;;), with the novel speaking about a teenager and his aspirations, observations and insights as he is growing up, how he is often met with disillusionment from everywhere from high school to university, in people and even in the path to his dream job. And multiple times throughout the book he succumbs to weakness as he thinks about giving up again and again on his current goals and dreams.

Perhaps, something quite fascinating which I have read in the essay Dazai's Women: Dazai Osamu and his Female Narrators, it is because Dazai is known for holding human weaknesses at high esteem, though, at first to the reader, they are seemingly portraying weakness in a bad light, in reality, he often uses such human weaknesses to humanize his characters[3]. This is most obviously portrayed, again, in No Longer Human, in which Yozo throughout the whole book sees and portrays himself as inhuman and utterly disqualified to be a human being. The title, however, is ironic as when readers look deeper into Yozo’s narration, they will be able to see that he is very often tripped up by his own very human weaknesses, even some of which are seen as terrible by societal standards, they are what make him nothing but human, some may perhaps even begin to describe Yozo as the most human person in the novel, or perhaps even too human.

Therefore, in fact, even though on the surface it may seem that such is portrayed in a bad light, the same essay says "according to Ueda: “in [Dazai’s] view, an evil person is a man who has no understanding of, and therefore no sympathy for, human weakness" [3]. From what little amount I could access to Ueda’s book, he also said that “Dazai discovered that ‘human reality was ultimately filthy and ugly’ and maintained that ‘literature should not concern itself wholly with the fact’ but with a deeper truth, namely the beauty of man’s basic human weakness”[4].

This may perhaps have something to do with the fact that "Dazai" saw himself as a weak person[5], in fact, he kind of admitted to it in his book Otogizoshi, where he wrote that “while I presume to understand to some extent the psychology of the weak, perhaps because I’m a helpless sort myself, I’m afraid I don’t really have a clear understanding of the psychology of the powerful—particularly the absolutely invincible variety, which I’ve never met or even known to exist”[6]. Though this is debatable since according to the book Dazai Osamu, it writes Dazai likes potraying himself as a failure. If you think about it the fact that he is willing to cut so deep to look into human existence shows a slightly different perspective, there seems to be some sort of bravery and strength necessary to it. So simultaneously when reading how Dazai often describes himself or the narrator as weak, this is something we must keep in mind, also to keep in mind some sort of objectivity despite the use of personal modes in Dazai’s works.

And perhaps this influenced why Dazai saw human weakness as not only an essential human trait but also something to be proud of, and something in which one could find beauty[7].

2. Realization of "Sin"

“The Bible says, "he who is forgiven little, loves little." Do you know what this means? Only those who are confident that they have made no mistakes in life are heartless. Those who are sinful have deep affection.” - Dried Leaves of Spring[8]

So how does Dazai find beauty in human nature and its weaknesses?

Before I address this, I must first acknowledge why the choice of the word “sins” or “sinfully” (depending on the translation) in this panel is important. Not only is it because it is (sort of) mentioned in No Longer Human in the synonyms and antonyms game Yozo played:

I said, feigning tranquillity, "Crime. What's the antonym of crime? This is a hard one."

"The law, of course," Horiki answered flatly. I looked at his face again. Caught in the flashing red light of a neon sign on a nearby building, Horiki's face had the somber dignity of the relentless prosecutor. I felt shaken to the core.

"Crime belongs in a different category."[9] - No Longer Human

Though in Donald Keene’s translation (which is the translation that is most commonly seen), it is translated as “crime” perhaps since Yozo references Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment. Interestingly enough in Chinese and Japanese, Crime and Punishment are written as 罪與罰 and 罪と罰 respectively, and from my knowledge in Chinese, with 罪 meaning both crime and sin. For further proof of this, in the article A Religion of Humanity: A Study of Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human, Hijiya also changed the translation of “crime” to “sin”, and in their notes, they acknowledged that they “[had] taken the liberty of changing certain terms and phrases in order to bring out the fuller meaning of the original”[10].

Along with that, it should also be understood that Dazai had read the Bible, he even referenced it across some of his works which I have read such as in sections of 《思考的蘆葦》, 《正義與微笑》 which has moments with the main character speaking of the Bible with his brother and even in Fallen Flowers, in which he parallels himself to Thomas’ doubt on Christ’s resurrection as well as the quote I have selected above. However, Dazai was not a Christian, but he read it thoroughly and tried to interpret the Bible according to his own terms, and it is suspected that Dazai “sensed some kind of dark side in humans that can be identified with the Christian notion of sin”, the essay I read suggests if not the Christian notion of sin, it is perhaps similar to a sense of human frailty that is deep within every person[11][12]. So though when referring to "sin" on Dazai's side isn't really religiously connected necessarily, but it's difficult to think of a word to replace it, so I will add quotations, also this wording will benefit the understanding of a latter part.

With this understanding, we can now return to Dazai and human weaknesses to address the quote at the beginning of this section in which Dazai sees people who are “sinful have deep affection”[13]. This, however, does not directly mean that those who have committed many crimes have deep affection, rather it is “those who sin and have a deep realization of their sinfulness become modest, kind, and deeply affectionate people”[14]. This is fitting for "Dazai" whose unwavering conviction in writing literature was “remorse, confession and reflection”[15]:

「您到底——」客人似乎也對我的優柔寡斷生氣了,換個語氣說,「對於寫小說抱持甚麼樣的信念?比方說,人道主義,或是愛啦,社會正義啦,美啦,那些東西,打從您步入文壇,直到現在,乃至將來,可有這樣一個始終堅定不移的信念?」

「有的。是悔恨。」這次,我終於可以不假思索立刻回答。「沒有悔恨的文學,只不過是狗屁。悔恨、告白、反省,近代文學——不,近代精神想必就是從那之中誕生的。因此——」我又結巴了。- 海鷗 from 《思考的蘆葦》(A short story I enjoyed but hadn't seen in English as well)[16]

Translation by me (with possible errors):

"You—" the guest also seemed to be angry at my fickleness, and said in a different tone, "what convictions do you hold about writing fiction? Humanism, for example, or love, social justice, beauty, that stuff. Since the time you entered the literary world, until now, and even in the future, can you have such an unwavering conviction?"

"Yes. It's remorse." This time, I could finally answer immediately without hesitating. "Literature without remorse is just bullshit. Remorse, confession, reflection, modern literature—no, the modern spirit must have been born out of that. So—" I stuttered again.

I think it's also really interesting that in The Setting Sun, Dazai also wrote “'I wonder if there is anyone that is not depraved’ Naoji wrote in his notebook... Perhaps by depravity he actually meant tenderness”, which also fits this idea.

And, therefore, it is perhaps this deep realization of “sin” that Dazai harboured that allowed an establishment of a sort of kindness in his work[17]. So, below, through No Longer Human, and Thinking of Zenzo, I will attempt to establish how in Dazai’s work we can showcase the connection between the realization of “sin” and affection. 

Beginning with No Longer Human, Dazai conveys this through Yozo’s fragilely sensitive nature, though on one hand causes him to see the dark side of human nature, and on the other allows for him to be sympathetic towards those in sorrow and pain:

“People talk of “social outcasts.” The words apparently denote the miserable losers of the world, the vicious ones, but I feel as though I have been a “social outcast” from the moment I was born. If ever I meet someone society has designated as an outcast, I invariably feel affection for him, an emotion which carries me away in melting tenderness.” - No Longer Human[18]

Additionally, from an interpretation I quite like from The Religion of Humanity, Yozo’s invention of clowning can also be interpreted as an establishment between the realization of “sin” and affection. Because as Hijiyam mentioned, just as clowning serves as a means for Yozo to protect himself, it is also “a positive means for him to demonstrate his compassion and understanding”[19], to identify with people despite his dread of them as his “last quest at love [he] was to direct at human beings”[20]. Though by doing so, he only further recognizes his “sinfulness” in his deceit, which alienates him, it is what ultimately allowed him to identify with the outcasts in the first place. I think it's also fascinating that in his novel 《正義與微笑》the main character's main belief he constructed from the beginning of the novel was 「以微笑行正義」 (tr. to practice justice through a smile), and so by becoming an actor at the end of the novel, which is an extension of this belief, it conveys a sense of "love", as described in the translator's note, along with justice[21].

Whereas in the short story Thinking of Zenzo (one of my favourite Dazai short stories), this sense is not as obvious as that in No Longer Human. I have always found it fascinating that at the beginning of Thinking of Zenzo "Dazai" decided to acknowledge and confess his "sins" before the beginning of the narrative (though admittedly I tend to forget about this part):

“Forgive me. That was uncalled for. I'm in no position to stand above humanity, acting as prosecutor, or judge. I have no right to condemn others. I am a child of evil. Beyond redemption. I suspect my past sins are fifty or a hundred times greater than yours. And even now I continue to sin. However I try to watch myself, it's hopeless. Not a day goes by that I don't do something evil. I could prostrate myself before God, my hands bound together with ropes, and devote myself to prayer, but even then, before I knew it, I'd be committing some atrocious deed. I'm a man who ought to be whipped. Whip me till the blood spurts out; I would have no choice but to bear it in silence.” - Thinking of Zenzo[22]

And perhaps because of this realization of “sin”, although "Dazai" (it should be noted that his wife actually said that only about 50% of this story is truth of what she witnessed) narrated the story with him being sold roses by a fraud, him being too weak to refuse, and him commenting on how the people from his hometown dislike him. But he continues to wish that the woman who had swindled him could prove to him that she wasn’t lying.

So, when later finds out that even though the woman, in the beginning, had swindled him into buying the roses, that was just as good as she said, and that she was probably “[one of those] people who make their living selling things [by lying] even when they don't need to”, he not only felt contented.

“Taking a seat on the veranda, puffing at my cigarette, I felt not a little contented. God exists. Surely He exists. Green pastures are where you find them. Behold the fruits of non-resistance. I considered myself a fortunate man. They say to experience sorrow at any price. That the blue sky is most beautiful when seen through a prison cell window. And so on. I gave thanks. And for a moment, this thought flashed through my mind: As long as these roses are living, I am king of my own heart.” - Thinking of Zenzo[23]

He even equates the woman with the people from his hometown by saying: 

"Maybe she was from my homeland, that woman," I said. My cheeks felt warm for some reason. "So she wasn't entirely a fraud, eh?" - Thinking of Zenzo[24]

Seeming not only to have accepted the actions of the woman but also the people from his hometown. 

And so when looking at the text as a whole, understanding that it was first framed by his recognition of his own “sins”, then by his narration on the roses, before finally his gathering back in his hometown, and ending with a seeming acceptance of both those that have seemingly “wronged” him, one can wonder if the recognition of “sins” is once again, as we viewed in No Longer Human, the key to such affection he found at the end of the story.  

3. "What's wrong with that?"

“請你更積極地愛這個俗世，恨這個俗世，一生都沈浸享受其中吧。” - Blue Bamboo (tr. Please actively love this world, hate this world, immerse in it all your life)

Following the line of thinking above that the realization of “sin” and weaknesses therefore could allow for affection and kindness. Below, I will argue that this understanding, perhaps allows a sort of acceptance for humans and even their paradoxical natures, which is present in some of his middle-period works, such as Blue Bamboo, and the stories from Otogizoshi.

In Blue Bamboo, this sense of finding peace within the human world, regardless of its flaws is perhaps the most obvious out of all the works I will discuss, at least to me. Especially with its ending as "he ever again heard to utter another pompous word about the ‘Way of the superior man’ but quietly carried on in the same humble poverty as before” even though he previously said, “The world is drunk; I alone perceive the truth!” and in the end even decided to “bury himself in the dust of the world”[25].

Before I explain more thoroughly how this portrays what I intend to argue, I should note that Dazai said that he “wrote [Blue Bamboo] in the hope that it would be read by the people of China. It is to be translated into Chinese”, it is also a rewrite from a Chinese tale[26]. Therefore, within the story itself, there are references to Chinese philosophy, culture, and allusions to Chinese literature that people who are not familiar with Chinese literature may miss. Therefore, below I will explain some of the terms and allusions which may be missed. 

Firstly, the “way of the superior man” or what we call Junzi (which literally means gentleman), is a reference to Confucius and his Analects, and it is a Chinese philosophy of life, and the term Junzi it contains the idea about how their moral conduct makes them a moral exemplar, basically if you're a Junzi you are a moral exemplar. This was an important concept in ancient China, I would say, and can even be seen to be followed by a good amount of ancient Chinese poets, and is why, if you are familiar with Chinese poets, poets sometimes go into recluse-- to separate from the “vulgar” worldly concerns and the corruption of the court, to showcase themselves as different and lofty than others. Though perhaps you will think it is arrogant of them, this was in fact seen as noble. I should also note that these Junzi needed to follow certain rules, one of which is to not associate themselves with those who are of “inferior” morals, hence why they go into reclusion I guess, again you can find them in Confucius and his Analects.

Secondly, I must address the allusion to Qu Yuan (if you know about the Dragon Boat Festival, yes this festival is to commemorate him) through the fact that Yu Jung quoted his most famous last words: “The world is drunk; I alone perceive the truth!”. Which in Chinese is「眾人皆醉我獨醒」, if we translate it directly it means the world is drunk only I am sober, which on a more metaphorical level talks about the corruption of the Chinese royal court, and how he is the only one to not be tainted by the corrupt ways of the court, and that he alone perceives the truth that they are corrupt. The phrase that Dazai quoted is symbolic of this sentiment because literally, it is using the world being drunk, in contrast to him being sober, as a juxtaposition to convey how he is superior to the rest of the world. I also like to add that this is not the whole statement, the first half of the statement was「舉世皆濁我獨清」, basically saying that he is the only pure one in the world of the corrupt, or in direct translation would mean filthy.

So, understanding these concepts, when going back to the story Blue Bamboo, we would understand that what I had mentioned implies that even though Yu Jung saw the corruptness and “filthiness” of the world, but still decided to give up the “way of the superior man” in the end which would keep him “pure”, and decided to live and dwell in this corrupt world and “bury himself in the dust of the world”, which I guess could be a connection to the first part of Yu Quan’s statement.

Perhaps this is the result of the fact that though he seems to want to follow the "way of the superior man", he still finds himself attached to the world, as indicated in his dialogue: “It’s so beautiful. How I’d love to show this to my wife back home!” even though he was taken to a haven out of the reach of man[27]. Though this seems to be paradoxical for Yu Jung, Dazai’s work didn’t punish him, and in fact, it was encouraged by Blue Bamboo, the one who brought Yu Jung to the haven.

“It appears you can’t forget your wife after all,” whispered Blue Bamboo, peering at him.

“Don’t be silly. That woman hasn’t the slightest respect for my learning. She makes me wash the dirty clothes, and push boulders around... Besides, they say she’s my uncle’s mistress. There’s nothing about her that’s worth remembering.”

“Perhaps that’s precisely what you find so precious about her, precisely what makes you miss her so—that she’s beyond redemption. I’m certain that’s what you really feel, deep inside. Didn’t Mencius say that compassion lies deep in every man’s heart? I think your true and greatest aspiration was to share life’s hardships with your wife, to live with her free of malice or resentment or spite, for the rest of your days. Go home.” Blue Bamboo’s countenance had suddenly taken on a forbidding sternness; she spoke the words sharply and without the least equivocation. “Go now.” - Blue Bamboo[28]

And another interesting thing is that in the original version of the tale, Yu Jung’s wife was not portrayed as bad as in Dazai’s version, yet the fact that Yu Jung still thinks of her, could perhaps, allow Dazai to further showcase Yu Jung’s inability to let go of the human world despite its woes[29]. All of this, which is full of contradictions, yet wholly accepted by both characters of the short story thus allows the main message of the story to be conveyed:

“Human beings must suffer through their entire lives amid the love and hate that rule their world. There is no escape. All you can do is endure. Endure and struggle, struggle and endure. Learning is a splendid thing, but to make a show of having risen above worldly affairs is cowardly and mean. You must become even more attached to the world, and spend your life immersed in the hardships it presents you with. That’s what the gods most love to see in a person. I’m having the servants prepare a boat for you. Get on it, and return directly to your home. Farewell.” - Blue Bamboo[30]

An acceptance of humans with all their flaws and contradictions. Also, if you read more of Dazai’s work, you would perhaps realize that the phrase being “unable to renounce [human] society”[31] or a similar sentiment appears more often than you would think, as off the top of my head in addition to Blue Bamboo, I can think of 3 other works: No Longer Human, Thinking of Zenzo and Otogizoshi that have such a sentiment present in them.

Similarly, Dazai’s four stories in Otogizoshi also present a similar picture, in which the main character escapes or attempts to escape to a haven beyond the human world due to their discontent with the real world, these havens only last for these characters a little while before they are returned to the real world. I think the book Studies in the Comic Spirit in Modern Japanese Fiction describes it really well: 

“In the "forgetfulness" that consoles Urashima when he finds himself a lonely old man, in the husband's bitter smile and his comment "I owe my good fortune to my wife; I made things so hard for her" at the conclusion of Shitakiri Suzume, even in the plaintive "Was it wrong to love you?" that summarizes the Tanuki's demise in Kachikachiyama, there is a similar note of acceptance, an understanding that we can only reconcile ourselves to the ultimate irreconcilability of things. Contradictory characters, even the contradictions within a single character, must be taken as they are; and it is better to accept them with a smile, however faint, than to bewail them.”[32]

I also think it is interesting to note that in the same essay it also talks about how  “these idealized or liberated worlds exist only so that the characters may return from them to their ordinary worlds. Utopias cannot hold the human spirit for  long; it naturally gravitates away from perfection and back toward the confusion, the irreconcilable contrasts of the world of its origin”, and that “as the characters' sojourns in these great good places [it] provides them with an ability to endure life with a sense of acceptance and tolerance that they previously lacked, [and the] reading of their stories endows [readers] with some of the same capacity”[33]. 

 4. Brief Thoughts on BSD Dazai vs Dazai-sensei

But does Dazai actually believe in the same things Dazai-sensei appears to believe? This is actually the question that has troubled me the longest, I have already had some thoughts about what I had written above since last year, but was not (and still am not completely) confident enough in my understanding, so I will... try... not say too much on this. Besides, though BSD Dazai is inspired by Dazai-sensei it is clear that Asagiri-sensei also made him a kind of new character separate from his real-life counterpart in ways, the most obvious would be the reverse of Dazai and Akutagawa’s dynamic.

I also think this is a very difficult question to answer because, for one, Dazai’s thoughts are hardly revealed, we have never seen his point of view on his things, so we are unsure of his true intentions a lot of the time, which is understandable since it allows the author to give the readers a sense of their enigma and allow them to maintain an air of mysteriousness, and added upon this is his paradoxical nature. 

On the other hand, Dazai-sensei is also quite confusing since there are also reasons to have skepticism about some details which Dazai-sensei writes. Because, according to the book, Dazai Osamu, it writes Dazai just writes in a way that invites skepticism, especially when, though it is often said that Dazai seems to write in an I-novel format, research I have read said that "very few if any of Dazai’s works can be called I-novels", plus sometimes even in his already unreliable narrators, Dazai seems “unwilling to commit the whole truth to one character”, for example, if you have read The Setting Sun, you would notice that in addition to Kazuko, Dazai also seems to communicate his views through the voice of Naoji[34]. “At times [also] Dazai seems to mix up objective and personal modes of narration as a means of tantalizing his readers”[35], but even so one of the postscripts of the BSD manga also says that Dazai in fact also liked making his readers smile.

In addition to this, Dazai, or at least he writes, doesn’t like commenting on his own works. In《思考的蘆葦》he makes his attitude seem like you if you don’t like it then don’t read it, but even so, he also writes that “[he] and his work live as one. [He] always puts everything [he] wants to say in his works. So [he] has nothing else to say [on his works]” so even if there is unreliability in his works if you wish to understand his thoughts you still have to look at his works (do note that this is translated from Chinese)[36]. This is why I once again remind you that the above is merely some of my interpretation of Dazai’s works.

But if I have to give my opinion, I think BSD Dazai’s belief doesn’t completely follow Dazai-sensei’s apparent belief. I think BSD Dazai follows through something more similar to Yozo’s thoughts and desires in No Longer Human than all of what Dazai-sensei seems to believe and I think that makes sense since Dazai seems to be inspired by Yozo, writing this made me question whether NLH is truly an I-novel... one paper I found says that scholars seem to see it more as fictional than an I-novel which is fascinating.

But it should be noted that No Longer Human does seem to be reflective of some of the things as I have written above, but is most similar in my opinion to the second section of my essay, which is those that are “sinful have deep affection”. But rather than being able to completely find affection in them, though Yozo does voice out his love for humans, he is still afraid of them, therefore cannot completely be at peace with them, which I think is similar to Dazai. Another thing that is similar is their perhaps their strive towards grasping the essence of “sin”: 

Because if you think about it, the fact that Dazai decided to put himself “somewhere close to raw emotions where [he] is exposed to violence and death, instinct and desire, [to] brush against man’s truest nature” and in it, he wants to find a reason to live. In a past analysis, I had also raised the question of why Dazai is trying to find light in life in such a dark place? I do still think my past conclusions are still valid, that he is trying to find some good in humans in such a dark place by trying to grasp the true nature of humans.

I noticed that this can be seen as a parallel to Yozo from No Longer Human with his quest for love towards human beings, in which he tried to find as he said “If we knew the antonym of [sin], I think we would know its true nature”[37], that by understanding “sin” he can have a fuller understanding of human existence, since “sin” seems to be the core problem in human existence, then maybe by finding the opposite of it he could find hope perhaps. 

However, if you have read the novel, then you would notice that attempting to find hope and affection for humans this way ends up badly. Because this acts as a double-edged sword. If we see Yozo as taking this belief as his reason for living in No Longer Human, then following the narrative when something as easy as his trust for human beings shatters, then both his hope for humans and purpose for living is simultaneously shattered, and he could ultimately fall into despair, especially if he is as sensitive as Yozo. And surrounded by the people that he had, like Horiki which led to what happened to his wife who almost seemed like a personification of goodness that he found so hard to find because he saw human selfishness destroy this rare human goodness and "his fear that human nature is essentially destructive is confirmed"[38]. Which caused him to lose all trust in humanity that he so wanted and clung onto... And even made him the question is “trustfulness a sin”, "is immaculate trustfulness after all a source of sin"[39]. Trustfulness was something Yozo seemed to hold at high esteem which is fascinating for Yozo who is also so distrustful of humanity. But in fact even so despite all those woes, I continue to feel the person that harbors this trust is still Yozo, in a way he is the trusting genuis that he saw in his wife which made him affectionate of her, but even this 'trustfulness' has some nuance, as it is not just pure trust, but what his wife shows is a sense of trust in goodness, in Yozo’s goodness that he didn't drink despite the fact that he insisted and actually did drink, so despite his distrust he continues wishes to trust fearfully, fragilely, so this with his wife is a sort of gamble you can say, a gamble to see if the world would prove his fears right or what he desires to trust, in a sense this can even be seen as Yozo trying to reach for hope, and in a way BSD Dazai is similar like this, deep inside he knows these things Yozo has ‘come to realized’ are true, but he doesn’t want to comprehend them, he is trying to find them false still, it is a walking contradiction. What I personally interpret here is that in a way trust, especially immaculate trust which is what was written in the novel can be eventually seen as a sign of weakness in this cruel world, even though Yozo believes it was a sign of goodness, so it has come to is this sign of goodness also a sin? This realization here can be interpreted as there's only such a fine line between purity and "sin" (human frailty), you know this reminds me of something Dazai wrote in another book, so it's like should this aspect of 'weakness' really be called sin? Should it be punished?

I wonder if he didn’t hear Oda’s last words to him, if he would perhaps fall into this kind of despair, or at least something close to it, as well… But of course we should note that the relationship between Yozo and his wife and Dazai and Oda are much different, I don't just mean it just by romantically, Oda is a much different person than what Yozo’s wife represents, while Yozo’s wife represented a sense of purity and goodness that is untainted by the world, Oda is clearly morally dubious but chooses to do good, and in a way this makes both Yozo's wife and Oda similarly as a figure of "goodness" that's as far as the parallel goes, I feel like Dazai sees more of Oda as an equal than him being a personification of goodness, but fascinating enough Oda and Dazai are a bit similar just as Yozo and his wife are in a sense, but of course this is conclusions I have come to just by seeing the anime dark era not the light novel, I can't get access to it... But rather than what happened to Yozo, Dazai had Oda’s last words to guide him. Which I think is a good thing because I think Dazai is much more likely to find something close to what he is searching for on the “good side”, but as Oda said, I don't think he will find what he had been initially searching for but perhaps he will find something else that will bring him some sort of consolation. But I think the fact that we have seen throughout the series, that Dazai is drawn to specific people with traits, which I think he doesn’t see himself having, such as humanity, kindness and such traits seems to show us this.

And if we are following this line of thinking, maybe then we would have a greater understanding of why Dazai could be so adamant about getting rid of Fyodor. Because as Fyodor has seemed to have stated in the manga quite a few times, as well as having displayed in Dead Apple, which I have briefly analyzed in my last analysis, The Growing Divergence between Fyodor and Dazai, while Fyodor seems to see people in their sinfulness as something to be destroyed:

And if we follow Dazai as inspired by Yozo, then Dazai seems to be someone who still hasn’t found the “antonym to [sin]”, as we can see present in the novel:

“Actions punishable by jail sentences are not the only crimes [/sins]. If we knew the antonym of [sin], I think we would know its true nature. God . . . salvation . . love... light. But for God there is the antonym Satan, for salvation there is perdition, for love there is hate, for light there is darkness, for good, evil. [Sin] and prayer? [Sin] and repentance? [Sin] and confession? [Sin] and . . . no, they're all synonymous.

What is the opposite of [sin]?"

… 

[Sin] and punishment. Dostoievski. These words grazed over a corner of my mind, startling me. Just supposing Dostoievski ranged '[sin]' and 'punishment' side by side not as synonyms but as antonyms. [Sin] and punishment - absolutely incompatible ideas, irreconcilable as oil and water. I felt I was beginning to understand what lay at the bottom of the scum-covered, turbid pond, that chaos of Dostoievski's mind - no, I still didn't quite see . . . Such thoughts were flashing through my head like a revolving lantern when I heard a voice.” - No Longer Human[40] (Yozo has in fact never finished this thought)

I think his desire to get rid of Fyodor could potentially be out of fear that Fyodor is right (this was my initial guess). Because in my opinion, despite how much Dazai wants to die, he also wants to find a reason to live desperately but if he cannot find it, then dying would be a better option, it is better not to live. And he is constantly afraid that he cannot find it even as he continues to live, but if he wants to live, then he must secure this (I think @/bsd-bibliophile speaks of it really well here). Because Dazai is a character filled with paradoxes, which I think is one of the reasons why it is so hard to grasp him, he is almost fickle, it is hard to say explicitly he is this way, he is that way. This is in fact very similar to Dazai’s writing, which I shall once again reference Studies in the Comic Spirit in Modern Japanese Fiction:

“Dazai himself was keenly conscious of what an imperfect vessel he was to present himself as a "model for the world," a model that offered no answers, full of paradoxes in a world full of paradoxes but not even aware of them. The act of becoming a writer, calling attention to the follies and deceits of the world, and presenting his own conspicuously imperfect life as a "model" would be a dubious proposition at best. Thus there is an inherent ambivalence to his role which, in his more dispassionate moments, is reflected in his work in the form of a highly ironic outlook, presenting the inevitable paradoxes as faithfully as possible, and then attempting to derive as much consolation as possible from the endlessly intriguing details of the show”[41].

Anyways, I have gone off track, or maybe, as we would see that both Dazai and Fyodor seem to understand fully that humans are “sinful and foolish”, they are both highly intelligent and I would say both seem to recognize their wrongdoings as well which cause some kind of self-hatred. And yet, from here their beliefs diverge, Dazai though hasn't found an antonym for “sin”, or that perhaps even realized that "living itself is a source of sin" [42], as in "sinning" is unavoidable or even maybe there's very little difference between other things and "sin", but once believed that Crime/“Sin” and Punishment are something close to antonyms but reality shows his thinking to be different, while Fyodor seems to see that punishment, getting rid of ability users, is the only way to get rid of it, though there's an extra dimension to it that he also has to become crime to punish it fully, I guess it's more so a cause and effect, antonyms and synonyms in his pov, so I wonder if part of that reason for his seeming desperate wanting to be rid of Fyodor also stemmed from fear, because Dazai could find himself picturing himself, or his past self, in Fyodor? Their thinking is quite similar... It may be just their understanding of "sin" that they differ in which caused their divergences.

So despite what he says, like the panel which inspired this essay, he is still unsure of some parts of it, but I think he is trying to convince himself of it, especially that last part. It's like he wants to believe it but cannot fully have himself do so.

I also do think that if the above is indeed what Dazai believes, the reason Dazai may be holding so tightly onto this belief, humans are sinfully foolish but what's wrong with that, even though he himself has yet to fully believe it may also be because of Oda’s last words: “To be on the side that saves people” and “People exist to save themselves” (an interpretation from @/bsd-bibliophile I like is even though what people are doing are motivated by their best interests it could also benefit those around them) and of course Oda’s trust, that even he who had done so much terrible things can possibly help and save people? And Dazai trusts Oda, even though he’s desperately holding onto them, because, though maybe one wouldn’t normally associate it with him but trust, to me, is a very crucial aspect to Dazai, a similar narrative is presented in his works as well, as probably symbolized during the Guild arc when he was holding onto the matchbox ‘advising’ Kyouka:

I also don’t think that if Dazai really fully believed what he said ("but what's wrong with that?"), when he asked how many people Kyouka killed, he would make this expression:

If you think about it, it almost feels like Dazai is repeating some of what Oda had implied to him on his final words to others. And maybe... Just maybe, Dazai's final evolution would be fully accepting that? Because if there is little difference between either good and bad things and "sinning", but you can help people along the way even when doing so by doing "good", maybe it's not so bad? Maybe it's a bit more wonderful.

But of course that's not to say that these words aren't sincere, because in a way they are, Dazai's whole character is a kind of struggle in my opinion, like that presented in so many of his works, it's like I want to believe it, but the world sometimes proves me differently, but I want to trust that what I feel deep inside is true, can I find it in myself to believe it? His words are sometimes in a way consoling himself and others.

But understanding it this way then raises the question of what are abilities supposed to be/symbolize? What is the nature of abilities? Why do some people have it when others do not? Since we understand that there are people too in this bsd universe without an ability as well even though it focuses mainly on people with abilities. But why is Fyodor so intent on only getting rid of ability users? Why are the ability users the only ones with "sin"? I would say in contrast Dazai is more likely to believe that everyone harbors "sin" rather than just ability users, which parallels how I understand Dazai-sensei to think of "sin". This can actually perhaps be traced to the very subtle differences in what Dazai and Fyodor say in raw manga panels of chapter 46:

Fyodor: 「人は罪深く愚かです」

Dazai: 「...確かに人は皆罪深く愚かだ...」

With the character 皆 meaning all in Chinese. But of course I do not know Japanese, I can only guess the meaning Kanji characters if they are written the same as Chinese characters. But I also think the pause in the beginning of Dazai's sentence, hesitance perhaps, is also interesting to note.

And, of course, this is pure speculation on my part, these parallels are simply my own takes. I hope my thoughts here aren't too incoherent… but I am trying to interpret the author’s thoughts. I also wish I could add things about Dostoevsky’s works to this, but unfortunately, I have only finished reading one of his works (Notes from Underground) so far. But this is probably nothing but my best guess that I have about Dazai's character, as I had mentioned, this is merely a theory. Of course this is only my own way of thinking and understanding it. I think it helps make sense of some things, but of course it is but my speculation. But I think by understanding the source of BSD Dazai's inspiration, we may be able to potentially have a fuller understanding of his views, and perhaps where his arc is heading towards. That's why I always wished we could get even a glimpse at Dazai's thoughts... I know I probably have a very different outlook at Dazai from most people because of the fact that my understanding of Dazai is also influenced from how I understand his irl counterpart's works.

5. Final Notes

Honestly, this rambling has come to become way longer than I had originally intended… I honestly just really wanted to talk about my feelings for Dazai-sensei's works. But if nothing else had resulted from this essay, I hope that I could encourage or at least make more people want to read Dazai’s works because Dazai's works really do have a certain charm to them, I remember reading one analysis about how the use of words and changing perspectives, like going from the third point of view to addressing the readers with "you" can draw the reader in, there's also a certain sense of intimacy in his works... You know there's this one Chinese description from one of Dazai's books (小說燈籠 or in English Lanterns of Romance) that has always stuck to me:

對太宰治來說，這個世界沒有善惡，只有喜歡或討厭；人生未必無常，無非是喜劇或悲劇。而喜劇供給慰藉，悲劇予以救贖，都是亙古不變的心靈藥劑，療癒許多因戰亂而深感孤獨的哀傷靈魂。在太宰的故事裡沒有壞人，只有軟弱的人，但軟弱並非罪惡，正因為軟弱更能體會點點溫情。太宰總在內心痛苦、身感疲憊時，反而拼命製造愉快的氣氛。太宰本人，即是哀傷的喜劇。眾人以為他極度自私，事實上，他總顧慮著他人的感受。或許他認為只要帶給周遭溫柔，自己也能溫暖起來吧。[43]

Tr. For Dazai Osamu, there is no good or evil in this world, there is only like or dislike; life is not necessarily uncertain, it is nothing more than a comedy or a tragedy. While comedy provides consolation, tragedy provides salvation. They are eternal spiritual medicines, healing many sad souls who are deeply lonely due to war (A/N: did you know during the war Dazai wrote to console the hearts of people?). In Dazai's stories, there are no bad people, only weak people, but weakness is not a sin/crime, it is precisely because of weakness that we can understand tenderness. Dazai always tried his best to create a happy atmosphere when he was in pain and tired. Dazai himself is a sad comedy. People thought he was extremely selfish, but in fact, he was always concerned about the feelings of others. Maybe he thought that as long as he brought kindness to his surroundings, he would be able to warm himself up too.

And perhaps indeed weakness is not a sin, I like to think that is the main message of No Longer Human, as seen with the epligoue which has the woman calling Yozo a good boy and an angel, despite the fact that the entire novel seemed to have Yozo carry with him immense "sins" and guilt, in fact the majority of novel is ironic in that Yozo only recognizes his cruelty yet not his capacity for love and his gentleness, unreliable narrators... With the novel being one of fiction rather than autobiographical (it is semi autobiographical not fully) one must be sure to then take both Yozo’s narration and the words of the woman in the epligoue as Dazai. Maybe because Dazai thinks the best way for us to better human problems is perhaps to realize these human natures, these weaknesses which Yozo had been able to see in others and in himself, because perhaps only that way will we be able to cherish things such as kindness, trust, understanding, and treat others with these qualities. A note should be put in place for some historical context of No Longer Human which also influenced how I understand the book. Because No Longer Human is in fact a post-war novel, written after the Second World War which Japan was defeated. I have read quite a bit in Chinese about how Dazai felt people felt no remorse or sin from the war, here it writes that “When Dazai returned to Tokyo after evacuation, he was unable to hold himself back when he saw intellectuals depart the same leftist movement and cooperate with policies differing from their wartime policies, jumping on the wave of postwar democracy without hesitation. They had showed no remorse or sense of sin in committing the shameful act of converting and conforming to national policy.” I should also note that Dazai, in the past had been involved in communist activities, and the book Dazai Osamu says that one of Dazai’s ideals was service, to people around him and his readers. And what I had quoted before “those who are sinful have deep affection” is from a post-war work.

But I personally have a softer spot for his middle period works though (Dazai was in fact healthiest, and produced the most works during this period despite it being during the war, and he wanted to console the hearts of people during this time;;), which treat these problems with an almost gentler touch. I think within these works you'll find a different Dazai Osamu than what you've read in No Longer Human. Dazai seems to love and cherish warm and beautiful things and is always searching for them. Honestly, to me Dazai's works aren't just depresssing, it illustrates the human struggle, it's paradoxes, that is within everyone, the yearning for beauty, goodness, but also the melchony of the struggle as one comes into conflict with human's darker side and life's struggles, in so many dark moments, I always feel there is still a flicker of light, even if it is however faint, that is what Dazai is to me. And that's what attracted me to reading more of Dazai's work in the first place. Anyways no more, I'm done talking. So, to end, let me leave you with one of the Dazai quotes I love:

「就算我不再了也不要沮喪，要相信我一定會成功，請輕鬆看待。我絕不會自甘墮落，一定會戰勝這個世界。」-   《正義與微笑》[43]

tr. “Even if I am no more, do not be depressed, believe that I will succeed, just wait and see. I will not willingly fall into deprivity I will succeed in this world.”

 6. Citations:

[1] Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene.

[2] Dillon, Sara Ann. Dazai Osamu and the problematics of context in Japanese artistic consciousness. Stanford University ProQuest Dissertations Publishing, 1988. 8906653.

[3]  Cox, Jamie Walden, "Dazai's Women: Dazai Osamu and his Female Narrators" (2012). Dissertations and Theses. Paper 132.

[4]  Ueda Makoto, Modern Japanese Writers and the Nature of Literature.

[5] Ibid.

[6] Dazai Osamu. Otogizoshi: The Fairy Tale Book of Dazai Osamu, Tr. Ralph F. McCarthy.

[7] Cox, Jamie Walden, "Dazai's Women: Dazai Osamu and his Female Narrators" (2012). Dissertations and Theses. Paper 132.

[8] Watabe Yoshinori, “Osamu Dazai and the Beauty of his Literature”.

[9] Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene.

[10] Hijiya Yukihito (1974) A Religion of Humanity, Critique: Studies in Contemporary Fiction, 15:3, 34-42, DOI: 10.1080/00111619.1974.10690061

[11] Ibid.

[12] 蔡超, 「《人間失格》與太宰治的基督教思想」

[13] Watabe Yoshinori, “Osamu Dazai and the Beauty of his Literature”.

[14] Ibid.

[15] Ibid.

[16] 太宰治, 《思考的蘆葦》, tr. 劉子倩 

[17]  Watabe Yoshinori, “Osamu Dazai and the Beauty of his Literature”.

[18]  Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene.

[19]  Hijiya Yukihito (1974) A Religion of Humanity, Critique: Studies in Contemporary Fiction, 15:3, 34-42, DOI: 10.1080/00111619.1974.10690061

[20]  Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene.

[21]  太宰治, 《正義與微笑》, tr. 高詹燦

[22]  Dazai Osamu, Self Portraits, “Thinking of Zenzo”, tr. Ralph F. McCarthy. [via. BSD-Bibliophile].

[23]  Ibid.

[24]  Ibid.

[25]  Dazai Osamu, Blue Bamboo, tr. Ralph F. McCarthy. [via. BSD-Bibliophile].

[26]  Ibid.

[27]  Ibid.

[28] Ibid.

[29]  周希瑜,戴松林, 論太宰治《清貧譚》與《竹青》中浪漫主義

[30]  Dazai Osamu, Blue Bamboo, tr. Ralph F. McCarthy. [via. BSD-Bibliophile].

[31]  Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene.

[32]  Cohn, Joel R, Studies in the Comic Spirit in Modern Japanese Fiction, “Dazai Osamu: Laughing at the End”, Harvard University Asia Center, 1998

[33] Ibid.

[34] O'Brien, James A. "Conclusion." Dazai Osamu, Twayne Publishers, 1975, pp. 150-163. Twayne's World Authors Series 348. Gale Literature: Twayne's Author Series 

[35]  Ibid. 

[36]  太宰治, 《思考的蘆葦》, tr. 劉子倩 

[37] Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene. 

[38] Hijiya Yukihito (1974) A Religion of Humanity, Critique: Studies in Contemporary Fiction, 15:3, 34-42, DOI: 10.1080/00111619.1974.10690061 

[39]  Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene. 

[40] Ibid. 

[41]  Cohn, Joel R, Studies in the Comic Spirit in Modern Japanese Fiction, “Dazai Osamu: Laughing at the End”, Harvard University Asia Center, 1998

[42] Dazai, Osamu. No Longer Human. Tr. Donald Keene. 

[43] 太宰治, 《小說燈籠：冷冽中的溫暖組曲，太宰治浪漫小說集》, tr. 陳系美

[44] 太宰治, 《正義與微笑》, tr. 高詹燦 

A/N: I forgot to add a few citations, one is for the No Longer Human isn’t an I-novel thing: Japanese Language and Literature Vol. 53, No. 2 (October 2019), pp. 299

For those who are curious as to why it isn't one, the definition of an I-novel according to Wikipedia is "The I-novel (私小説, Shishōsetsu, Watakushi Shōsetsu) is a literary genre in Japanese literature used to describe a type of confessional literature where the events in the story correspond to events in the author's life." Though NLH does follow some of Dazai-sensei’s life experiences, from what I read it said the way is structured and the degree of which it manipulates Dazai's own life events makes it more fictional. This whole thing may perhaps be a scholarly debate honestly... (But Donald Keene, Ralph McCarthy and James O'Brien all seem to suggest the same thing as this source so... But if you think about if this is true, I am only in more deep admiration for Dazai's writing) But I'm personally more inclined to think that there is a creation of a almost distance between the author Dazai and the "Dazai" he shows in writing, though sometimes in some stories the main character are even referred as "Dazai" (like Thinking of Zenzo for example), but even so you can still feel Dazai through the pages, it comes across as him being personally involved in them and it makes them quite fun to read, I think it's truly fascinating but that is my unprofessional opinion. But if you think this is exasperating, yes perhaps it is indeed... In the book Dazai Osmau, the author even mentioned how certain critics are exasperated by Dazai’s coyness lol. If I have sparked curiosity about the subject, I have written more in depth about Dazai-sensei's narration here.

Canis Familiaris:

Dazai Osamu, Self Portraits, "Canis Familiaris", tr. Ralph McCarthy.

The Setting Sun:

Dazai Osamu, The Setting Sun, tr. Donald Keene.

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