#we had to develop progress inch by inch at times but when those inches added up? it felt amazing.

[abirddogmoment]

what favorite experiences or places or toy's of mav's do you most look forward to introducing to your puppy? what advice or lessons from mav will most benefit your beautiful budding relationships with future dogs?

I have so many fun hiking and walking trails I'm excited to introduce to the puppy, it'll be really cool to see what she likes best (Marlo's favourite being big lakes, Mav's favourite being grasslands, and Pike's favourite being dry sand or dirt).

I'm really interested to see how I balance "letting the puppy be a puppy" and "training foundations while the puppy is still a sponge". With Mav I had no clue what I was doing and no clue what I wanted anything to look like, so I was mostly noodling around doing the bare minimum and fixing problems as they came up. I have a much better idea of what I want for finished behaviours and a much better idea on how to get there, but I'm also a big fan of letting puppies be puppies with low expectations and pressure. It'll be cool to see how that plays out in the new puppy.

#about mav #mav memories #thanks for the ask! #i did some lowkey work with baby pike but she was never my dog so it wasnt much #but it was cool to do anyway #im excited to work on puppy sport foundations #im really really grateful mav was my first dog #he was really intolerant to any unkind unfair or inconsistent training #he would nope out the second it wasnt fun anymore #whereas marlo would sort of power through #(it hasnt been tested with pike but i suspect she would power through as well) #mav made me a much more accountable handler in a way that an easier or more engaged dog wouldnt have #im very grateful for that #because its going to be really beneficial for my future dogs #and because it made me kinder and more fair to mav #it was frustrating at times but the successes always felt so goddamn earned #we had to develop progress inch by inch at times but when those inches added up? it felt amazing.

[matan4il]

I wasn't sure how to ask this but the thought has been making my brain inch and just said fuck it, let me see what she thinks or other anons. It's about all asks about the finale. Here is the start.

I actually didn't know there was a chance 911 was going to be canceled. It's not because I am ignorant trust me. But I had this 3 week period where I was completely off because I was lucky enough to travel between 2 eras tours and a ton of family travel. I mean I spent all year prepping for this and it came during all the season finale season. So I went a bit off to not get spoiled anything , spent my time getting caught up then went into all the shows.

What's weird is when I watched 911 finale, I thought it was bad. However I thought it was bad and rushed because of the writers strike. I didn't understand why they wasted that big emergency. I had thoughts on Marisol and Natalia but won't go into it because it's not relevant. But I definitely gut thought I but we open S7 with Marisol gone and Natalia making Buck question everything.

So imagine my surprise when I came back on and was like there was a chance it was canceled??? It definitely wasn't great, I like the others probably won't watch it again but would your views change if you didn't know it was a potential finale??

Hi Nonnie! That's a good question. If you look at my 618 meta, you can see I was very underwhelmed with stuff that was well conceptualized, but poorly executed, like how the main emergency was handled. I think those aspects would have been disappointing no matter what, in addition to the poorly developed Love Interests once again shoved into Buddie's path without any real substance or enough care for the way Buck and Eddie's stories progress. I think the possibility that this would have been the last 911 ep ever, that there would have been no way of fixing the mistakes of this, made it worse. That this is how the show would have wrapped up seasons long journeys of the individual members of the 118, plus their journey as a group. It just doesn't feel satisfying. In part, because giving us a good conclusion should mean being able to look at the first ep and the last one, and see the scenes from the last ep giving meaning to the entirety of the story. In my personal opinion, 618 failed to do that, which made everything more disappointing, but it would have been underwhelming even without that added layer.

I hope that helps? Thank you and have a great day! As always, here's my ask tag. xoxox

#ask #anon ask #buddie #911meta #911 on abc #911 abc #buddie meta #911 meta #911abc #9-1-1 #evan buckley #eddie diaz #911onabc #911 #edmundo diaz #evan buck buckley

[str8oralcare]

10 Things You Need To Know about Str8 Clear Aligners

Popular clear aligner brands like Str8 Oral Care have become the norm among popular orthodontic treatments. Even though clear aligners have been around for over 20 years, the technology is still progressing a little more each year. Today’s clear aligner treatments are now some of the best solutions for patients. If you’re still uncertain whether or not invisible braces are right for you, here are 10 things you need to know about Str8 Clear Aligners.

#1 Clear Aligners Were Originally Designed for Adults

A lot of adults assume that they’re too old for braces. But the fact of the matter is that clear aligners were actually designed with adults in mind. Originally the clear aligners were meant to help correct minor tooth movement or relapse, such as what might happen if a college student didn’t keep up with their orthodontic retainer.

The unique design of the transparent aligners is discreet enough that it allows adults to undergo comprehensive orthodontic therapy without people realizing they’re in braces. So if you’re a busy professional or just don’t like the idea of visible orthodontic appliances on your teeth, you’re in luck! Most people won’t be able to see anything on your teeth unless they’re looking up close from a few inches away.

#2 Treatment Times for Clear Aligners are Shorter Than Ever

As new technological advancements have come about, the average length of treatment for Str8 has significantly improved. While the exact length of each case is dependent upon your unique tooth alignment and whether you wear your aligners as directed, our team can at least give you a fairly accurate estimate during your  consultation. As soon as we know how many sets of trays you’ll need to move your teeth, you’ll know how long the overall treatment will take. On average, it’s around 12 months.

However, short-term accelerated options are also available in certain cases. Meaning that if you only need to straighten a few front teeth, you can use clear aligners and have a straighter smile in a period of just 3-6 months or so.

#3 Improving Tooth Alignment is Good for Your Oral Health

Yes, there are actual dental health advantages to having straighter teeth. When your teeth are properly aligned, you’re statistically less likely to get cavities, gum disease, or develop TMJ disorder compared to people with crooked or gapped teeth. If you already have certain areas in your mouth that are harder to clean — due to tooth misalignment — or are wearing down prematurely, then you could benefit from clear aligner therapy.

Some dental experts go as far as to say that adding clear aligners into your periodontal care plan is an effective way to help combat gum disease. The reason being that you’re both straightening your teeth while also enjoying the convenience of ultra easy-to-clean appliances. There are no extra areas for food or plaque to build up.

#4 There are Lines of Str8 for Teens and Young Patients

Even though clear aligners were initially introduced and originally targeted at adults, teens have wanted to get in on the action too. Although some teenagers do have a bit of a time trying to keep up with removable aligners (fixed braces might be better in those cases) others are quite responsible. The option of wearing clear braces instead of metal brackets is appealing to some teens.

#5 More People Qualify More Than Ever Before!

The earliest clear aligners patients had to fit strict, limited criteria. There was only a certain degree of tooth misalignment that they could correct, and anything beyond that would mean wearing invisible trays wasn’t going to work. Braces were your only option.

Today that’s no longer the case. Advancements in clear alignment therapy has expanded the type of malocclusion (misaligned bite) cases that can effectively — and predictably — be treated with Str8. So if you were told you didn’t qualify for clear braces 8 or 9 years ago, it might be time to get a second opinion! Even more aggressive tooth discrepancies can often be corrected thanks to years of tweaking the technology.

#6 The Appointments are Shorter and Less Frequent Than Braces

Anyone wearing braces knows that it takes regular adjustment appointments to keep your teeth moving along smoothly. You go in, have appliances adjusted, changed out, or wires updated, and then plan an appointment for about six weeks out.

Str8 is planned out in advance, and all you have to do to keep your teeth moving along is to change your aligners out as directed. It’s that easy.

#7 The Price of Clear Aligners is More Competitive Than it Used to Be

When clear aligners first came out 20 years ago, it was nearly double the price of traditional braces systems. That’s no longer the case. As clear aligner technology has become more mainstream and accessible, so has the price tag.

The cost of clear aligners is relatively comparable to that of conventional orthodontics. Str8 oral care offers several different financing options as well.

#8 You Can Whiten Your Teeth at the Same Time

Did you know that your Str8 Oral Care clear aligner could also double as a whitening tray? Since your aligner is snuggly fitted to the contour of each of your teeth, you can also place a small dot of whitening foam boost (included in your aligner kit) inside of each space to brighten your smile at the same time.

#9 Your Tooth Movement is Digitally Mapped Out in Advance

Str8's virtual treatment planning process virtually “moves” your teeth in the computer software to the desired location and alignment. Each tooth is individually adjusted alongside its neighboring teeth, with all of the arch being fine-tuned in each corresponding phase of therapy.

After your tooth movement is digitally mapped, a series of 3D-printed alignment trays are created for each segment of tooth movement. So long as you change your trays out as directed (usually every two weeks) and replace them with the next in the series, your teeth will follow along with the virtual care plan that was created before your treatment started. Occasionally we might need to fine-tune something here or there, but everything is scanned into the digital platform so you’ll never need more messy impressions.

#10 They’re Super Convenient

Easily straighten your smile without visible or irritating braces. Since you don’t have brackets and wires, you can eat whatever you want without having to alter your diet. Just remove your trays during meals. Even cleaning your smile is simple, because you take your aligners out to brush and floss like normal.

The smooth shape of clear aligners prevents wires or metal from irritating the inside of your cheeks and lips. Ultimately most of our  invisible braces patients say that Str8 aligners are much more comfortable than fixed types of appliances. If one thing is for certain, you’ll never need orthodontic wax to cover a poky wire or broken bracket!

Even though Str8 is designed to wear all day, every day, you always have the option to take them out if needed. Just make a plan to wear them for a minimum of about 22 hours a day.

#clear aligners #healthy smile #smile #smile makeover #dentistry #orthodontics #straight teeth

[fanfic-about-fictif]

Open book

Type: drabble/oneshot, 100% catboy fluff

Pairing: Sage Lesath x female reader

Words: 1781

Warnings: no warnings 

This is my first writing about Sage and related to Last Legacy/Fictif stories, so let me know what you think! Maybe even give me some ideas if you like it, so I can write more?

Sage bursts into her room and - well, not her room exactly, but her room for the time being - and then he smirks, his eyes glistening with mischief, as per usual. She didn’t turn to look at him, as a matter of fact she didn’t even let him in because he didn’t bother to knock.

“I was just about to go shower and thought, we should shower together.”, he concluded simply, gazing at her body, while she was perched on the wide windowsill.

She didn’t even need to look up at him to see he was smiling wide.

“You know, for practical reasons. Obviously.”, he added.

She still didn’t look up at him, twirling her phone in her hands absent-mindedly.

“Practical reasons?” she questioned, but her heart wasn’t really in it, she barely registered his words.

“I can help you with the washing. Make sure you clean each inch of your body properly.”, his teasing tone would usually make her chuckle or groan. Maybe she would roll her eyes at him or even blush, but this time, nothing. Not even a witty remark.

Sage’s smile instantly faded. “What’s wrong?”

His worried voice seemed to snap her out of it and she finally glanced up. Upon locking eyes with him, she faked a smile and shook her head. “Nothing’s wrong.”

He walked over to her, made her scoot up the windowsill with a sweep of his hand and then sat down. Her phone was set aside on the windowsill and she brought her knees to her chest, enveloping them with her arms.

“Why were you looking at...”, Sage pointed at her phone. “...Whatever that is?”

“It’s a phone.”, she said. “You can call people with it, no matter how far away they are, or even send them messages, or also-“

“Not what I was asking.”

She sighed, resting her chin on the top of her knees. “It’s dead, anyway. Not working anymore.”

“It’s dead since you came here?”

She nodded, looking out of the window.

“You wanted to call somebody?” Sage asked hesitantly.

There was a brief pause as he noticed her eyes glistening.

She faked a smile again as she looked at Sage and he decided he absolutely hated that. Her eyes looked so sad, even though he could notice she was trying so hard to hide it. The sunlight from outside hit her face perfectly, making it shine and illuminate in a way that left Sage mesmerized. He loved those moments; when she wasn’t even aware how beautiful she is.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Why won’t you talk to me?” Sage’s voice got softer, gentler than she ever heard him, but she couldn’t concentrate on that now.

“Must be because you’re an open book usually as well.”, she retorted, but even then he could hear she’s in pain.

Sage sighed, leaning back on the wall, thinking of ways he could make her talk. “How about I tell you something you want to know about me first and then we can talk about what’s wrong with you?”

She perked up at that and stared at him incredulously. “What?”

“Ask me something. Anything.”, he suddenly got tense and not even the grin on his face could hide it.

“And you’re gonna answer?” her eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Sure.”

It didn’t sound very convincing, but she knew Sage wouldn’t back out of it now. At least, she hoped he wouldn’t. She thought about it for a few seconds, looking through the window again.

There were so many questions that she wanted to ask, most of which Sage avoided already or would avoid if asked. This was her one opportunity. But, she also didn’t want to make him too uncomfortable or steer the conversation that would end in their fighting or make Sage run off as usual. So, she decided to steer clear of any questions pertaining the current events. She would save that for another time. Now, she just wanted something to distract her from all the problems.

“I can hear the gears in your head turning when you’re thinking this hard.”, Sage grinned.

She faced him and looked him straight in the eyes. “Have you ever been in love?”

Sage looks shocked, like he was at least vaguely prepared for any question but this one. To say he wasn’t expecting it would be an understatement. But, he quickly regains his cool exterior under her scrutinizing gaze. She was watching his reaction and every move. He suddenly smirks, catching her off guard in turn.

“Why are you curious about that? Looking to fill that position?” he winks, grinned wide again.

She rolled her eyes. “I should’ve known you were going to deflect that one too.”

Looking annoyed, she hastily stood up to leave, but Sage caught her wrist. “Wait!”

She looked over her shoulder at him and glared.

“I’m sorry.”, Sage sounded sincere. “I was only messing around. I’ll answer, as promised.”

After a second of hesitation, Sage gently pulled her towards him to sit back down. She did, resuming her previous spot and position.

“I…”, Sage started, looking through the window because he couldn’t bear looking at her piercing eyes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been in love.”

“Really?” she blurted out before she could stop herself.

Sage furrowed his brows. “Is that so bad?”

“No! I…”, she cleared her throat. “I’m just surprised, that’s all. Considering…”

She trailed off, not finishing her sentence, and immediately regretted even starting it and going down that path.

Sage turned his head to face her, looking half-confused and half-annoyed. “Considering what?”

She was uncomfortable, starting to blush, and it was her turn to look away from him. “Nothing, forget it.”

“Considering I’m bedding lots and lots of women?” he concluded with a mocking voice and then huffed.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

Sage shot her a look and she sighed. “Fine, I kinda did.”

“Is that really bugging you so much?” Sage asked quietly. “Do you think I’m a bad person because of it?”

She giggled. “No, don’t be silly, Sage. I don’t condone your… Promiscuous lifestyle.”

“Promiscuous lifestyle?” Sage grinned, but she ignored him.

“How is it possible that none of those women made you feel something?”

“Oh, they all made me feel something.”, Sage’s lips split into an even wider grin and she could sense a flirty comment before he even said it. “If you want, I can show you.”

“Sage.”, she rolled her eyes.

He laughed at her. “Sorry, I’m done.”

She shook her head at him but couldn’t help but chuckling along with him.

“I just…”, Sage breathed out heavily, his shoulders dropping. “I did, develop… Uh, some feelings towards some. But, uh…”

It was absolutely adorable seeing him so flustered and lost. But, he was trying. He was opening up and telling her stuff, and she was grateful for the effort.

“Didn’t really work out?” she offered and Sage nodded sombrely, looking away.

She decided to end his suffering, for now, at least. “Thank you for telling me, Sage.”

His ears twitched and perked up, before Sage smiled.

As if just now remembering, he looked at her with wide eyes. “Now it’s your turn.”

“My turn? For what?” she acted like she didn’t know what he was talking about, while they both knew she wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Your turn to pour your heart out.”, Sage watched her curiously. “Who were you trying to call? Is there someone you’re in love with?”

She didn’t notice how much Sage was involved in that question, even though he asked it in a light-hearted tone. He prayed that he was wrong, that someone wasn’t waiting for her at home, down on Earth, and thinking about her the in the same way that he was. She couldn’t notice his breath catching in his throat as he waited for her answer, because she was looking down at her hands and nervously twirling with her fingers.

“No. There’s no one in that way.”, she replied quietly and Sage breathed out in relief. “I just miss my family. My friends. I wish I could let them know I’m alright.”

There were a few moments of silence as she tried to wipe off a tear that slipped down her cheek without Sage noticing. He did, of course. He moved closer to her, gently cupping her cheek and wiping another tear with his thumb. She had no choice but to look at him now, he was only centimetres away from her face. She didn’t know what to expect, but she surely wasn’t prepared for Sage’s intense stare, almost knocking the wind out of her. She leaned into his hand slightly and he glanced at her lips, plump and rosy. Sage wondered many times if they were as soft as they appeared.

“You have me.”, Sage whispered. “I know I can’t replace your family and friends, but…”

She smiled. “Thank you.”

As Sage got closer, she stopped breathing, bracing herself for a kiss. Instead, he pulled her into a tight hug. She put her arms around him as well, her heart humping wildly.

“I know I’m not enough to make you happy, but I’ll make sure you get home safe and that you see your family and friends who can truly make you happy.”, Sage said it so quietly, in such a small, worried voice, that she wouldn’t hear it if they weren’t pressed together in a hug.

She pulled away to look up at him and tears welled up in her eyes when she was Sage’s face expression.

“You’re more than enough, Sage.”, she admitted.

Before he could protest or say anything else, she slid her arms up so they were around his neck, pulling him closer to her so she could reach up and kiss him. She could feel his shock at first and contemplated pulling away and running off, but he responded before she could, by almost grabbing her and pulling her even closer. It didn’t take long before she ended up in his lap, legs wrapped around him, while the kiss progressed into a more intense and passionate one than the one they began with.

She pulled away first, breathing heavily and looking into Sage’s lust-blown eyes. “Wow.”

Sage chuckled. “Took the word out of my mouth.”

She rolled her eyes at the joked, giggling. She suddenly became hyper-aware of their bodies pressed together, so much that she could feel every ridge of his muscles and the leather jacket against her skin. Her hands were tangled in his silky hair.

Sage’s eyes were flirty and sparkling, and when he spoke, it sounded like a low rumble coming from deep inside his chest. “Now… How about that shower I mentioned before?”

#fictif #last legacy #sage lesath #fictif fanfic #fictif imagine #sage lesath imagine #sage lesath x reader #sage lesath x y/n #sage lesath x ofc #sage lesath fluff #last legacy fanfic #last legacy imagine #fanfiction #imagine #sage lesath oneshot #sage lesath one shot #fictif oneshot #sage x reader #sage x mc #sage lesath x mc

[itsclydebitches]

Please, when you get the time, watch “Unpacking RWBY's 'Fair Game' Queerbaiting Controversy”.

Thanks for tuning me into this, anon! I decided to watch instead of going to bed at a decent hour because why would I want a good sleep schedule? XD

Great vid though. For anyone looking for a neat summary of both the in-text coding and the fandom's reaction to everything, this is a good, easily digestible hour to get all that. Something that struck me and that I wanted to expand on a little bit is acknowledging the malleable nature of our terms like "queerbaiting" and "bury your gays." "Queerbaiting" evolved during a time when many characters' queerness was being kept to coding and coding alone. That was the point. The possibility of that being a confirmed part of their identity was never on the table, generating our frustration, yes, but also making it pretty easy to spot and define this phenomenon. We knew queerbaiting when we saw it. Yet as queer rep has progressed, by inches as opposed to miles, the use of that term gets... messier. Supernatural is, currently, the perfect example of this. Is it still queerbaiting if one half of the pairing admits their attraction, but the other never responds? And if we're uncertain about the authenticity of the queer rep, can it really be bury your gays? Bury your gays is (mostly) built on explicit queer rep. You can't bury your gay character unless you've got one to begin with, yet situations like Dean/Cas blur both lines. Back when we developed these terms, we weren't imagining situations where creators would go part of the way and then pull back. Queerbaiting made sense a decade ago. They coded their characters, maybe talked up the relationship in a joking manner, but there was never any chance of it coming to fruition. We know how to be mad about that. But one character coming out while the other watches him die and then seems entirely unfazed by his passing only to then die too? In the finale? What the hell do we make of that?

These are the confusing, murky waters that Fair Game is swimming through. It has received accusations of both queerbaiting and bury your gays, yet according to generalized knowledge of the definitions, they can't both exist. You either didn't provide queer representation, or you had queer representation to kill off. And yet, Fair Game does manage to edge into both territories, with the added complications of the media hype and ongoing debates about the status of Blake/Yang. If Blake bashfully looking away at Yang's compliment equals queer rep - and a very large chunk of the fandom considers the coding we've gotten thus far to be "canon" - then it should mean the same thing when Qrow looks bashfully away at Clover's comment. Either that coding is enough to signal queer representation and RWBY thus killed off a queer character in the form of Clover, or it's not enough to signal queer representation (you're reading into things) and the Blake/Yang dynamic remains in a state of potential queerbaiting. It's a lose-lose any way you slice it, yet anger tends to turn more towards other members of the RWBY community for using the "wrong" terminology rather than simply expecting better of the creators. No one should be having years-long debates over how queer or not two characters appear on screen. At this point we should just have queer characters, no guesswork needed.

Frankly, I don't think there is an easy way to fix the miscommunication going on here, so I suppose my only point right now is to be aware of it. These terms have never had rigid definitions - "queerbaiting," as the vid's author points out, is particularly complicated, but "bury your gays" runs into problems with canons that deal with the afterlife and resurrection. If Penny were to have been written as queer, would it be "bury your gays" to kill her and then bring her back? - but these terms have become even more complex than their original creators could have ever imagined. The popularity of social media and this inching towards better representation has resulted in situations that simply do not fit our previously neat ideas of these issues. But that doesn't mean there's still not a problem at play. When people use "queerbaiting" or "bury your gays" to describe Fair Game yes, there may be differences between this situation and the examples on which those terms were created, but the fact that we don't yet have new terminology to describe these complex situations doesn't mean there's nothing for queer fans to be upset over. We don't really have a term yet for, "There was definitely coding for those who spotted it, but pretty subtle coding for a time when there is a lot of overt queer rep in our media, including the same show (queerbaiting often accompanies no other queer rep at all) and the creators teased it, but many of them were no longer officially connected to the show, and then the character was horrifically killed off, but can you bury your gay when you didn't confirm him gay in this first place?" That's a particularly awful paradox we don't have a catchy phrase for yet. But the answer here isn't to dismiss all these new situations with, "Well, it doesn't fit my exact definition, so it's not a problem" but rather to expand our vocabulary. As a community we need ways to describe these new cases we're seeing, not dismiss them because they don't perfectly align with what we came up with years ago.

#rwby #queer #mymetas

[tundrainafrica]

Title: Lovebug (8/12)

Summary:  

“It might be a bug.”

“A bug?”

“Sometimes the developers of this application make mistakes. This is our first time meeting I’m sure so…Isn’t it a bit weird that we just met for the first time and it rings like this? And for two strangers to coincidentally ring each other’s alarms?“

Levi is the developer of the Love Alarm App and Hange is married to Zeke.

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Notes: Feedback is very much appreciated :D

Levi put a hard deadline for Wednesday

“Wednesday” he said it again because he couldn’t be too certain how he said it the first time. He was conscious if he were too stiff, it might almost seem awkward. If he were too relaxed, maybe the urgency wouldn’t get across.

The challenge was finding the balance and when his team nodded, their faces unchanging, he realized it had been an easy task. They had gone through that same pattern before, especially before a large-scale quality assurance test, a recalibration of the application.

And the one on Monday was much larger, covering not just fifty volunteers, maybe even hundreds. When it was Zeke’s own connections that had managed to get that many volunteers, they couldn’t afford to delay it.

Levi cleared his throat and continued. “All fixes should be completed by Wednesday. All QA and regression tests by Friday,” Levi added. “The large scale QA test will be happening on Monday. No negotiations. No chances of rescheduling. ”

Aside from the number of volunteers, that QA test should not be anything different. Nothing much changed except perhaps the fact that Levi was in a constant state of compartmentalizing. He was working partly with outsourced labor to complete the code and to make sure someone was testing their new application. He was also working with his own team to make sure they were still addressing issues and realising fixes for the love alarm.

He liked the busy-ness, the need to be constantly thinking about work. Sometimes though, there were more distracting prospects that forced their way into his limited brainspace. And for some reason, his brain space was so willing to accommodate it.

More specifically, to accommodate her. Well, he had no choice anyway. After all, it was her application. It was his brain child but by extension, it was her and Zeke’s property.

He was constantly in a state of stress and Hange’s presence only made things more stressful. But somehow, his brain demanded he forced that extra piece of information, that piece of responsibility, that piece of Hange somewhere in his brain.

Just like he couldn’t say no to Zeke and Hange, he couldn’t say no to the manifestations of his own mind.

She never gave him a chance to say no. After all, she liked working in his office. She had made herself at home on the desk next to him and everyday he was reminded of that extra compartment his brain had created just for him.

All he had to do was enter the room and enjoy the view of her hunched over her laptop like she always was.

First thing in the morning, she was there. After meetings and standups with his team, he would go back to his office like always, and she was there.

That time, all test devices were lined on the desk, the whiteboard that only that morning had been covered with scribbles was replaced with something a little more coherent.

“You’re testing?” Levi sat next to her, counting ten devices before deciding it would be a waste of time to count further. He looked back up at her.

Hange nodded. “You updated the build last Friday right?”

“Just some fixes,” Levi said. The fixes came slowly, with more data being added, with the algorithm being tested here and there. It was still far from perfect though. He scanned the whiteboard just to get an inkling of her own progress. “How many pseudo emails do you have?” He could have counted it himself but once again, he gave up after ten.

“Enough to test on this many devices,” Hange said.

He read them out loud, taking note of the checkmarks..

Wingsoffreedom123

Wingsoffreedom213

Wingsoffreedom231

Wingsoffreedom321

Wingsoffreedom312

Wingsoffreedom132

“Creative,” Levi commented.

“Look, I just need a bunch of emails that are easy to remember so might as well stick to the same combination,” Hange said. “ You get it, Humanity’s strongest?”

Levi cringed inwardly. He should really go around changing that name. “Do you actually use those emails?” He asked.

“Sometimes, when applying for free trials, when making more than one account in websites.” Hange said. “I like keeping my own consumption patterns not connected to ‘Hange Zoe,’ if you know what I mean.”

“At least you’re able to make use of those emails for testing.” Levi pulled his chair a little closer to her and looked over her shoulder. “Is it working better?”

“It rings,” Hange said. “The last five times I tested, they said I was happy.” She chose that moment to click ‘activate’ on the next alarm. As expected, it rang again, the words ‘happy” flashed in the middle of the screen with an ugly smiley face in Arial font right under it.

It was a blatantly horrible sign that maybe they had spent a little too much time on the back end. Front end and user interface could be fixed a little later anyway, Levi reminded himself. He brought out his own test device and pressed the activate button.

The word ‘happy’ flashed across the screen. “Looks like they fixed a lot of the kinks,” Levi said.

“Are you happy?” Hange asked.

Those types of questions were the ones that had him a little more self aware. He didn’t answer immediately, instead, he left his natural instincts speak for themselves. A smile threatened to creep up his lips overwhelming the small part of him that wanted to push it down into something more subtle.

“Levi, are you happy?” Hange pressed, a hint of a laugh in her voice.

He was. He couldn't tell exactly why. Overall, it had seemed much easier, to just let the smile climb up his face so he gave it facility, freedom to move.

And soon, he didn’t regret it. Maybe because his own smile had been the reason Hange’s eyes got bigger before her features softened into something comfortable within a few seconds.

Before Levi could appreciate them a little more, her eyes suddenly narrowed, as if studying him. He noted all of it in her expression, the triumph, the victory lap in her expression, and the sneer particularly evident in her eyes.

He didn’t want her to win that little game they had for themselves. So he turned back, allowing time for the smile to fall into something less embarrassing. “Well, if the application says I’m happy, maybe I am.” He stood up again, holding his laptop to his side. “I’m going out for a break.”

***

Summer was ending soon.

And for Levi, the end was usually accompanied by the relief that he wouldn’t have to brave public transportation under the sweltering heat while dealing with an office dress code.

Strangely, he also found himself a little melancholic as he noted that red leaves were starting to sprout more frequently among the branches. He considered it almost an obligation to take a walk twice or thrice a week, especially during those last few weeks.

He would sit on one of the benches by the garden. To save time, he would bring his laptop every single time and he would always allow himself short in-betweens to enjoy his surroundings after long minutes of staring at the screen.

Like always, the trees were above him and the flowers were in front of him. When he looked down, he even enjoyed the grass and the cobblestone lined paths.

“You take the same route every time.”

Levi looked up, an instinctive reaction to that very familiar, almost intimate voice. “You followed me?”

“What if I wanted to take a walk too?” Hange asked.

“You're welcome to take a walk. I’m just gonna do some work here before going back inside,” Levi said. He looked back at the screen in front of him, trying to find something to make progress with as he monitored the workflow tracker.

Nothing much had changed or was expected to change, his own staff was probably on lunch break. He trusted them enough to be certain they would get most of their work done by Wednesday. And consequently, he was left with nothing much else to do but maybe take a lunch break too.

Hange sat right next to him on the bench and Levi pulled away, far enough to put a good few inches between them. “You’re going out more often now,” Hange said.

“I noticed I’ve been spending too much time indoors. I never really got to enjoy summer for what it was. We only get it three months a year.”

Hange gave him a knowing look. “And you only noticed it now? After living in this city your whole life?” She asked. “You’ve lived here your whole life right?”

“Yeah,” Levi said.

Hange shrugged. “You just never struck me as the type to enjoy weather, or nature in general. Back in the golf course, back in the ocean, you didn’t look like you wanted to be there,” she noted.

“Maybe it’s a recent thing,” Levi said. He kept it vague, not wanting to probe any complex topics when he was grappling with more important complex things.

Hange though, was a black hole of knowledge, a bundle overflowing with curiosity. “What makes it pretty? Why do you like taking walks?”

“Do we have to have a reason?”

“Well ever since I started to work closely with you, I started to notice something too,” Hange said. “You seem happier.”

“Maybe because Zeke is always busy.”

Hange snorted. “You really hate him don’t you?” She leaned a little closer. “And aren’t you at all nervous admitting it to me?” An overly playful demeanor accompanied such intimidating words. It was more laughable than terrifying.

Levi shook his head, unfazed. “I trust you wouldn’t tell him.”

“I wouldn’t,” she admitted. “I don’t blame you though.” She only had to give him an almost pitied look for him to read her mind.

He articulated it for her. “I never really recovered from those two all-nighters cramming an application.” That had been more than three months ago but the memory still burned as a faint memory of excruciating exhaustion and an unpleasant caffeine buzz that took weeks to brush off.

“You managed to impress the hospital admin at least. And we got the funds,” Hange said.

Does that make Zeke any more of an insufferable person? He had hoped to ask that with the face he gave Hange then, one eyebrow raised. If it didn’t send the message, he could easily say it out loud. That one pleasantry Zeke afforded him though that day in front of the convenience store echoed in his head. Even just coming up with an insult sent a wave of guilt through him.

A wave of guilt I don’t need to feel. Levi reminded himself, willing to recall the other instances the blond had been abrasive. Zeke was either a master manipulator or misunderstood. He was a billionaire though, so Levi decided to err on the side of ‘manipulator.’

“The funds go to the company, to the outsourcing activities and to server space,” Levi corrected.

“Don’t you have company shares?” Hange asked.

“A stock option,” Levi clarified. “Something I chose not to take. I’d rather get my money as is. I don’t trust myself to grow something of that much value.” He kept his answers vague, since he never did read the contract closely anyway, it was Erwin who went through the benefits with him.

“Well everyone else in the company who runs on stock options seems to trust you. Zeke’s own investment is riding on your own ability to make a good product...” My PhD dreams are riding on your product. Hange didn’t say that last part out loud but Levi heard it loud and clear.

“Well this pseudo love alarm project, it’s still far from perfect.” For emphasis, he opened up the new project entitled ‘emotion alarm project’ on his dashboard and slipped the laptop screen over to Hange. “Thirty percent done. We barely fixed the interface, just getting the required testing and data done is taking up a lot of resources.”

“I know that and I expected it,” Hange said. “You know, a PhD sometimes takes decades to complete and I’m ready to take that much time.”

“I just wanna manage your expectations. Besides, something about the testing still bothers me.”

“What about it?”

“Remember the first night I made the application?” He stifled a wince at the painful memory. “It didn’t ring… until you came in.”

“Maybe it was a bug?” Hange suggested. “It shouldn’t be too much of an issue right? Since you made a lot of improvements after.”

“I did,” Levi said.

“And it never happened again with the later builds.”

“It doesn’t but it works too much like the love alarm. Do you notice, it always rings when we’re nearby?”

“When we’ve already loaded millions worth of data points. When we’ve overseen that much testing with other people. I don’t think you have to think too hard about it. We just keep improving the application right? Same as the love alarm,” Hange explained.

“Maybe I’m just being cynical. It doesn’t work once and I can never trust it again,” Levi muttered as he scrolled through the tasks for the next release for the upteenth time since a while ago.

“I guess that’s what happens when you’re the one who came up with the project. You can never trust your own abilities to develop?"

"Or because I worked on it, at three in the morning, I tested it. I know how many shortcuts I took with it…" Levi trailed off as he started to focus a little more on the numbers, the titles on the task trackers.

"You know they did the research, the testing, if it works for them, if they have a good success rate, then maybe it works for us too? Maybe the app is right, we're happy when we’re next to each other. Sometimes we’re sad when we’re next to each other and sometimes we're angry. If this application is detecting moods like this… similarly to the love alarm, maybe it means we could--- "

"Get along?" Levi finished it for her. There were only so many things that code could mean anyway.

"Get along.... Or to get to know each other more." Hange said, her voice softer than a second ago. The smile took longer to leave her lips.

Hange though had always been good at composing herself but Levi had months to figure out patterns and trends in the way she navigated the more sensitive topics. He couldn't help but notice the heavy tension, even under the light summer breeze.

Those moments happened too often that Levi had prepared an escape route every time. Business talk. And they had a lot to talk about. "Hange, I wanna ask something about the front end," Levi scrolled back up, towards the top of the task trackers. Dealing with front end was a mammoth task, rifed with two many sub tasks but it was definitely one of the last priorities, if it was even a priority. Levi wasn’t the type to particularly mind releasing an application with a white background and an interface that used the very underwhelming Arial font.

But it was Hange and Zeke’s application.

"Ask away," Hange said.

It came easily after that. The ticket on his workflow tracker had an inkling of a script to follow. "What colors would you associate with emotions?" He asked.

"What?" Hange furrowed her brows.

Levi cleared his throat. Nevermind, it wasn't easy to come up with the question without a little more expounding. "Like would you say red is anger? Blue is sadness? Yellow is happiness?"

"Wait? Why?" Hange asked again. Her lips were curled up just a little higher.

"I'm thinking of the front end of the application. What colors do you see for each emotion?"

"Yellow for happiness," Hange answered easily.

"Not orange?" Levi challenged. He had opened up the task and started to take notes.

"Orange is way too angry for me."

"Red seems much angrier," Levi said

"Red is anger definitely but I'm not seeing bright red, I'm seeing something like orange."

Levi opened up a color wheel. " So this red?" Levi asked.

"No, bright reddish orange," Hange corrected. It may have been a coincidence or just a trick of convenience but a red leaf had fallen on her lap at that moment. Hange picked it up, and twirled it and held it in front of Levi like a token.

“So... autumn red?” Levi asked.

Hange dropped the leaf on his lap. “I guess.” She raised her eyebrow. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

Was he giving her a strange look? His mind sometimes formed opinions as he spoke and Hange had always been receptive anyway so he verbalized it, just for her. “When I’m angry, I see red,” Levi admitted.

“I haven't felt really angry in a while, so I wouldn’t know,” Hange said. “Maybe it changed.”

“Sadness?” Levi asked.

Hange turned to him questioningly. “Tell me yours first.”

“Grey,” Levi said automatically.

“Blue,” Hange said, as if it were the truest fact in the world.

A fact Levi was compelled to question. “Why blue?”

“Why not blue?”

“Blue doesn’t seem sad….”

“Why not?” Hange pressed.

“It seems…” Levi started, only realizing seconds later, he was unable to come up with the right words.

“Too nice?” Hange suggested.

“It’s a nice color. It makes me feel good just looking at it.” It was a pathetic response. With such a complex thought, to even force out of his mouth, he had to channel his inner child, through the most child-like attempts at articulation.

“Okay, I know it doesn’t feel good to be sad but.. don’t you think sadness is a beautiful feeling?” Hange asked.

“No.” It should have been a natural answer. Somehow, Levi felt like there was something else worth listening to.

Hange saw reason to continue at least. “You wouldn’t be feeling sad, if you never felt happy in the first place, if you’ve never felt desire or love. There are feelings much worse than being sad for sure.”

“Like what?”

“Not feeling at all maybe?” Hange surmised. “So maybe the strongest feelings, whether good or bad, are still nice… maybe something worth indulging.”

And it was turning into a philosophy lesson. How many hours had he wasted listening to Hange prattle on about emotions and concepts of love? They weren’t hours wasted for sure, but they did leave him feeling just a little sad at times. Once again, he went back to business talk. Levi looked back at his workflow tracker. “So ‘blue sad, yellow happy, red angry…”

“Do you really think sadness is grey?” Hange asked.

Levi looked up from his laptop and straight towards Hange. "Look, I don't think much about what color my emotions are…” He trailed off. He could have said more maybe. Speaking while reflecting turned out to be a daunting task at that moment.

Maybe sadness was grey. That had seemed like the most natural conclusion at first. He focused for a little longer on the view in front of him, the view of Hange and behind her the open grounds that made way for blue sky and the blue burned into his eyes, enough to make him feel something in his chest then down to his stomach. Before he knew it, he started to entertain Hange’s own idea.

When Hange looked back at him, the open sky behind her, he felt stinging at the back of his eyes, he let his face fall.

The color overall had been burning at first. The more he stared, the more he noticed its more lasting qualities. It turned out blue wasn’t burning, it was subdued, mild. At the same time, the clear endless shade of blue in the sky behind her did wonders to accentuate her features. Enough of a reminder to leave another twinge in his chest, that time it was slightly painful.

A twinge of sadness. Emotions may be difficult to comprehend but whatever clarity that washed over him then had been enough of a motivator to speak up. “I think you’re right, sadness is blue,” he said. A beautiful blue.

He found himself searching for the prettiest shades on the color wheel, looking back up at the sky, then to the yellow streaks from the sun that hit the pavement. He then turned his head towards the garden where red roses grew. From a distance, from above, they were supposed to form a heart.

“Yeah, red and yellow too. Red hurts, it’s glaring, Sometimes yellow is too bright but all together, they make the garden beautiful. Like this courtyard,” Hange said. She stretched her legs out onto the stony path just in front of the bench and shifted her weight to the palms of her hands.

“Yeah, it is.” Levi nodded.

“It’s colorful,” Hange said. “Bright reds, bright greens, bright blues, bright yellows. They’ll all only be here together until the end of summer.” She wrapped her arms around herself, a wistful smile on her face.

“You like summer?” Levi asked. “It’s fucking hot.”

“I like summer and spring. What can I say? I like seasons with a lot more variety of color,” she answered. “ I always get a little sad when summer ends. Surprisingly though, I’m sadder than usual about this summer ending.”

“Why?”

Hange shrugged. “I can’t even explain it for myself. It’s ridiculous that I’m this sad about summer ending. I usually get like this when I’m out of the city but I haven’t even been out in the countryside in a while but somehow, I’m already imaging the larger, wider landscapes up north. I’m imagining how quickly the trees go bald… Green then red then blue. And how quickly skies turn from blue to just a constant gray and when the lakes just freeze over, turning from blue to a more of black… It’s sad to imagine.”

“I can imagine it,” Levi said. He didn’t leave the city often since there wasn’t much spare funds to work with. He was capable of empathizing though, after all the twinge of sadness remained and it had been surprisingly easy to channel it elsewhere.

“There are places up north that have the most beautiful springs and summers but when the leaves change… everything dies much more quickly.” Hange lowered her head.

“Maybe one day, I’ll check it out,” Levi said. He found himself picturing the logistics of a trip already. Having never used his leaves, having built up disposable income through a lack of drive to even form a life outside work, he realized he did have leeway to indulge just a bit. Somehow, Hange’s own thoughts were enough to inspire.

“You haven’t been up north?” Hange gaped.

“I didn’t have much money growing up and there’s no reason to.”

“I should take you up north. You know, the gardens up there, the rolling hillsides. They remind me of Pemberley,” Hange said.

“Pemberley?”

“Pemberley! Mister Darcy’s estate.”

Levi groaned inward. That book again.

“Elizabeth visited towards the end of the book and there are a bunch of old houses around there and when I would walk on the fields, I like to pretend I’m in the book.”

“Relive your rags to riches fantasy?” Levi asked bitterly.

Hange pouted. “It’s not just that. Besides, I wasn’t poor, you know. My parents managed to pay tuition to a good college with no debt.”

Not as rich as Zeke definitely. The banter might just get out of control so Levi went with a conservative digression. “Maybe I’ll go there one weekend, up north before summer really ends.”

“Maybe, I’ll take you there myself,” She said, an excited grin on her face. “Maybe after this weekend or next year if we’re too late. I told Zeke about how I was feeling lately, so for my birthday, he promised he’ll take me up north so we’re going this weekend.”

Levi choked. “Wait, birthday? When’s your birthday?” It turned out to be a burning question, a small fact Levi felt obligated to know. So the answer couldn’t have come any slower.

When Hange opened her mouth ready to speak, the universe decided for them that it definitely could come a little later. His phone rang, breaking that brief silence, prolonging the painful anticipation.

Petra Ral. For some reason, he expected the worst when any of his subordinates called. He answered the phone. “Petra, is everything okay?”

“Sorry about calling. I tried texting you but you weren’t replying.” Petra went straight to the point soon after that. “Some of the members of the other project offered to help out with testing. Do we have enough phones?”

They did have enough test devices, the pile on Hange’s desk was enough proof of that. “Yes we do,” Levi said. They were all in his office. He turned to Hange questioningly. It was her blank face that reminded him, they’d have to look through the phones themselves to see what devices they could wipe.

“I’ll meet you by the office,” Levi said. “Hange and I are going back now.”

He hung up the phone and turned to Hange. “Petra is gonna borrow some of the test devices. You’re okay with that?”

“Sure, I’ll help you wipe them,” Hange said. “Are we going back now?” She seemed hesitant, a closer look and Levi could see a hint of disappointment.

He closed his laptop. “We have to get back to work right?”

“You never even stopped working,” Hange accused.

“I stopped long enough to listen to you ramble on about that damned book and your nice vacations.”

Hange walked on, seeming deep in thought. “Hey Levi… What do you think of Petra?” It was an abrupt digression.

“What about Petra?”

“Have you ever considered dating her?”

Levi stifled a choke, letting it out as a peaceful clearing of the throat. “Why are you asking that?”

Hange shrugged, as she walked ahead. . “Nothing, she seems like a nice person and she seems to like you… Besides, she rings your alarm.” She looked back at him, a playful grin on her face.

Levi sighed. That wasn’t a question he would have liked to broach.

“Well?” Hange pressed.

But maybe he could give some vague answer in exchange for some information. “I’ll tell you. If you tell me something."

"Tell you what?"

"What are your plans for your birthday?”

***

Levi was tricked, treated, bamboozled. Hange had a way with words, a way of just pushing the right buttons. It could have been that or it could have been a series of convenient circumstances and conversation topics that had Levi there, at the front of the mall after work with Petra right next to him.

On the bright side, he had Hange’s birthdate, her plans for that Friday all the way until the weekend. That was enough to satisfy his own curiosity. Over time though he realized, that was all it did.

Was it worth it?

Back when he and Hange had been discussing it, it seemed like a good exchange, she satisfied his curiosity, he satisfied hers. Hange had given her due information. In exchange, she received information on Petra, the long QAs, her alarm ringing, the amount of effort Petra put into her job and just the occasional present that made their way to his desk.

While Hange’s own information went so far as to give the name of the restaurant, the time and the route of their roadtrip, Levi’s own information evolved into something else. Before he even knew it, Hange had created a new agenda of her own.

Your love alarm would ring with Petra right?

It did. Of course, in front of the mall, surrounded by other people wasn’t the best place to test it. There was no reason to either. Ever since Petra joined them more than a year back, the love alarm had always rang and Petra had enough professionalism, enough of a handle on her own feelings to mark it as ‘accurate.’

Admirable? Definitely. Date worthy? Did he ever consider dating her long enough to deem her date worthy? ‘Maybe not’ to both questions.

Have you ever considered dating Petra?  Hange brought up that question during their conversation and Levi felt almost guilty for the straight up ‘no,’ and the shallow ‘she’s too young for my taste’ reason.

She could have been too young. Still, Hange seemed more like a counselor for that exchange and she made some good points.

Assuming the love alarm didn’t have a bug, and the reading was accurate… Hange first set her premise.

The premise could have been accurate. No, it definitely was. Petra’s own approach towards him only served to extinguish any doubts.

Levi and Petra settled for an early dinner at some restaurant towards the end of the mall. Not for the food, nor for the pricing but for the convenience of being able to sit down after the twenty minute walk and a long day up on their feet back in the office.

And Petra had been excited to sit down in front of him. She rushed ahead and slipped into the booth, even before Levi had slipped himself into the small gap between table and chair. He allowed himself enough focus to scan through the menu and digest the names of the dishes at least. He hadn't bothered to even spare a good look at the board outside nor what the hell the other customers were eating and thus, he was excruciatingly slow.

On top of that, he was exhausted from a day of work and most days, he wouldn’t have bothered to go on a date, not with a colleague at that.

It’s not a date. Levi reminded himself. He shouldn’t be dating subordinates. That was another source of stress at that moment.

A few times Levi looked up at the menu, making some ingenious excuse about how he couldn’t decide and how he needed some blank space to help clear his mind before he tried to decide again. Every single time he looked up, he had to internally make an excuse because Petra was staring right at him.

“Have you decided what you want to get?” Petra asked, her voice was a song. She propped her elbows on the table, a rude gesture in most places. She managed to subdue rudeness by propping her chin on top, a look of seemingly genuine interest in her face.

Seemingly. Who the hell was he kidding, she probably was genuine about it. If it wasn’t his own instinct that could be relied on, he could at least trust the love alarm that had rung with no fail since she joined the company in the first place.

“I’ll get the fried chicken meal.” Levi didn’t particularly like fried chicken. He had been a little too self conscious of how long he had stared at her and back at the menu, how long the awkward silence between them lasted and he soon realized, he had to order quickly, even if he didn’t know yet what else he was missing.

“You wanna get tea? We could share a pot,” Petra suggested as she put down her own menu.

Levi could have finished a pot on his own. He wasn’t telling her that though, especially not right after too many close encounters with what could have been inappropriate. “Sure.” Levi nodded a little faster, hoping that was enough to feign excitement.

The waiter came and went with the menus on hand and Petra started to ask questions, questions that were invasive enough that Levi had a hard time thinking two things at once.

They weren’t too personal. In fact, they weren’t about him anyway. Levi started to figure that for himself when he got his bearings. “What about Hange?” Levi asked. He was stalling, finding ways to untangle his hairball of thoughts.

“You were asking me right? About any advice on what to give Hange for her birthday?” Petra asked.

“Yes, I did.” Why did he forget?

Assuming the love alarm didn’t have a bug, and the reading was accurate, that means this ‘love’ between me and Zeke is one sided.

“Well, we could check out a few shops nearby. You could buy her something that could help her with organization. Diaries, bookmarks, pencil cases, wallets…” The list went on and the contents had started to become unbearably boring. Really, would Hange have enjoyed those?

But I don’t think it’s one sided. Love is a choice right? I can choose to love him. So if you and Petra---

Me and Petra. There were too many things wrong with it, a boss and a direct report, a conflict of interest.

But she seems genuine. She seems like a good person. And maybe she could be worth pursuing.

She’s my direct report. He argued then.

But if you decide to pursue a relationship, you can always just reshuffle, right?

Petra continued to talk. “Does she like tea? We could give her a tea bag. The one I bought you last Christmas… it took me months to find it…” She brought out her phone and started to scroll, seeming too deep in thought. She furrowed her brows and bit her lip, as if the extra effort hurt..

An unnecessarily vigorous effort over a simple request from him. Guilt was an unwelcome feeling but it was also incredibly tenacious, like a cockroach. His mind was becoming more receptive to painful speculation as he watched Petra grapple over her choices, and he wasn’t at all being helpful.

Guilt was the rising action. Then everything fell into place soon after, not into place, more like a chaotic order, like a ton of bricks.

And that order made his feelings more intelligible.

He didn’t want to be in a relationship with Petra. That was all there is to it.

Love is a choice right? A tiny glimmer of protest made itself known in the silence. Those were words from Hange, echoed multiple times before in an exact tone and manner only Hange could ever pull off.

Can I choose to love Petra? Levi asked himself then.

Petra was a nice girl. She was helpful. She worked hard. She was competent. More importantly, she was single and she wasn’t married to his very rich client.

Most importantly though, in the grand scheme of all his experiences and emotions, Levi had to point out to himself, she wasn’t Hange.

Why don’t you give her a chance? Hange had asked that then. She goaded him, nudged him and pushed him out of his own office, to follow after Petra had left the office with the devices.

It's frowned upon, boss colleague relationship. Levi had argued.

Something tells me she likes you. Hange continued, as if she never heard of the unspoken taboos of office relationships. Maybe she hadn’t.

Besides, I noticed… You know, you look a lot happier. How that had ended up the conclusion of their conversation, Levi couldn't exactly tell. He remembered looking up at Hange, to hell with how far down his jaw dropped or how wide his eyes were. There was just something special about Hange pointing out something and how quickly something could easily become a certain reality when someone just verbalized it.

Maybe he was happier, maybe he started to appreciate nature a lot more. Maybe he had started to see more color the past few months.

His own recall of Hange, his own thoughts that flew back to her had him perceptive of the variety on his plate, the decorations on the shop for just a split second and when he looked up to Petra, a part of him was at the least attempting to appreciate.

Petra was a redhead, her hair fell in a neat bob that barely brushed her shoulders. Red was a nice color on hair, and Levi only noticed it then. He stared for a while longer, trying to find something to feel, something to think beyond ‘nice.’

Petra’s eyes shot up and she met his gaze. “This is it!”

“What?” Levi asked, almost instinctively. He felt a tad self conscious analyzing the shade of someone’s hair.

“I found the tea, the one I gave you last Christmas. You really liked it right?” Petra asked.

“The Jasmine Pearls?” He did remember the tea then he remembered telling her he really did enjoy it. A part of him had maybe forgotten for a split second that it was Petra who gave it so the question had shaken him more than necessary.

“I was only able to get it from a shipment last time. I had to book three months to get it. But they’re on sale now and---”

“She might prefer coffee though...” Levi said. His own intention had been to find the perfect present, but he ended up feeling guilty as soon as he saw Petra’s reaction.

Her face fell. She turned back to her phone for just a second before fixing her eyes back to his. She took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for that, I can’t believe I got so excited.” A blush crept up her face.

“No. Don’t think about it like that.” Levi attempted to maintain at least a ghost of a laugh in his tone. The last thing he wanted to do was keep Petra unnecessarily uncomfortable, especially after everything that had happened until that moment.

The air was heavy and he wondered if she noticed it too. She was probably too preoccupied with her own self proclaimed mistakes, very evident by the beet red of her face.

“Let’s go around first. We might come up with something better if we ask around the shops,” Levi suggested. It had been more to comfort her than anything else. The suggestions of a while ago, the list of items had only served to make Levi think a little deeper about it, to the point of acceptance.

Even before they had finished their food, Levi had already concluded for himself, whatever he gave Hange, whether it be a wallet, tea, a small trinket, Zeke had probably come up with a more expensive version, something he probably would have never considered buying himself.

Levi didn’t leave though. Soon after they finished eating, he still accompanied Petra to every shop. He made a facade for himself, a window shopper buying a birthday gift for a good friend, he asked enough questions to engage Petra, everything ending with the conclusion, “I’ll think about it.”

Overtime, he realized he wasn’t thinking too much of what was in front of him. His mind was elsewhere.

Besides, I noticed… You know, you look a lot happier. Hange was smiling when she said it, but the smile didn’t curl the same way the others did. She crinkled her eyes as she spoke but Levi could almost point out the sadness in them.

And he saw it every time he recalled that. What does that have to do with dating Petra?

I like seeing you happy and I think if you found someone to love, maybe you’ll stay like this much longer.

Like what?

More pleasant? Smiling more often? Appreciating stuff outside work?

Hange talked for longer after that but that had worked to motivate him to invite Petra out to get to know her, to ask for advice for a gift for Hange. Somehow, a part of him wanted to take Hange’s advice, stay ‘happy’ so in his own way, he could prove her right and maybe by extension, make her happy too.

But was entertaining a relationship with Petra the right way?

The question burned for longer. Even after they exhausted all the shops and all the ideas that came with it. It was around eight in the evening when they stood by the train station under the mall, exchanging goodbyes. “Make sure to get home safe.” A part of him had considered taking her home. Their trains went in completely opposite directions though.

“Will do,” Petra said.

“We have a long day ahead tomorrow.” They always had a long day ahead but at that point, Levi was foraging for something a boss would say.

“Yeah, I'll make sure to get the testing done tomorrow," Petra said. "What happened today, it definitely gave me the motivation. I had a lot of fun.”

“Me too.” His response was automatic, something he didn’t want to think too much of.

They separated soon after and when Levi boarded the train home, he entertained the question again.

Was entertaining a relationship with Petra the right way to be happy?

I think entertaining love is an opportunity to be happy at least. Hange argued. You don’t have to jump into it but I think building a relationship with someone teaches you a lot and love, it makes life colorful.

Colorful? The trains were grey, the suits of all the passengers were shades of black, grey and the occasional blue. An almost alarming transformation from the gardens, after long days of working with Hange.

A copy of the emotions alarm was downloaded onto his phone and in the silence of the long ride home, he opened it again. He clicked ‘activate,’ the application loaded, no emotion was detected.

It was a fun night right? Levi concluded, there really was some more to improve on in the application. With the amount of testing done, and the amount of data loaded, he also had to entertain the idea that maybe it wasn’t an issue with the application.

Maybe it was his own issue with appreciating, with being open to love. “That’s what you were saying, right Hange?” He whispered to himself. A second later, he thought maybe he had said it loud enough to sound like an idiot.

Before nervousness and overthinking could take over again, he willed himself to mull over Hange’s words like always.

Love is a choice and just be open to it. Even if he didn’t believe it for himself.

***

It turned out, Erwin also knew about Hange’s birthday. And he suggested a basket of fruit as a gift.

Levi had been a little surprised. For one, maintaining partner and customer relations was never part of his job so how the hell was he to know that baskets of fruits and cakes were customary.

And secondly, he was just a little indignant. Erwin was his boss though so he couldn’t tell him that. He complied before going back to his office and booting up his laptop. It felt odd.

The laptop pinged with a characteristic echo and it was much louder in the silence, the almost deafening silence. After all, most days, Hange would have been there to chatter his ear off about her own experience testing.

That day, she had taken the day off. A birthday leave. Just for herself. She took September four and September five off. The fourth was to prepare for the long trip. Then on the fifth, she had dinner with Zeke, in an Italian restaurant on the first floor of a luxury hotel near the city center.

He knew the details, he knew the name. But it has nothing to do with you. He constantly reminded himself, it was only on a good to know basis. Still, he entertained the idea that maybe he could stop by the city center on the train on the way home, just for the modicum of a probability that he did run into them. It was not like he had anything else to do on a Friday night anyway.

But you can think about that tomorrow. Levi scolded himself. Somehow, Hange not being there was making it more difficult to focus. After all, she had been there, every single day before.

Also, how could he entertain multiple other ideas about Hange’s birthday when he didn’t even have a present for her? He had managed to put off Petra’s suggestions lightly, by some distraction from work. He had managed to make a good excuse of the fruit basket, saying that it was better to give a gift as a company.

Really, it had been his own insecurity stopping from putting any money into anything. Zeke could buy Hange a billion wallets, a billion tea bags, a billion fruits basket if it suited him. Then it begged the question for Levi, what could he give that Zeke couldn’t?

The emotion alarm. The answer didn’t come quickly. It came after staring at the desktop screen for long enough to lose grip on the time but after a long moment of doing nothing, Levi eventually brought out a test device and opened the server.

There were three basic emotions. Anger, Sadness and Happieness. Those were the three Hange put into her plan. They were to create the application, test it among patients and study it to see how it could help with more accurate prognosis.

And if he went the extra mile, maybe he could just give it as a late birthday surprise. Or maybe he might end up never finishing it. At least I’d try. That last thought lingered for a second longer and it did its part to send a burst of confidence through him.

He looked through his workflow tracker. No assigned bugs to look into. So he opened a new document, pulled out a paper.

“Hange Zoe, you wanted to test emotions right?” He asked no one in particular. When he was asking questions out loud, ideas ended up flowing much faster. He pulled out a small paper from the post-it stack at the corner of his desk.

“What if we connect it to the web, make a dashboard to display reports, so maybe psychologists have something to look at after testing?” He could have said it out loud. Maybe he didn’t. He had said it loud enough in his head at least to keep his gears moving. “What if we find a way to quantify it?” That last part was ambitious. It would need Hange’s input for sure so he grappled with two ideas, surprising Hange and just suggesting it like a developer.

His ideas were risks, born of long hours of googling enough to maybe bullshit years of studying psychology. Maybe Hange wouldn’t agree, maybe she would. He copied the necessary code from the alarm anyway and decided to just play around with it.

It was a birthday present only he could give anyway.

Another idea popped into his head after an hour more of googling, a much more doable idea. Even before he made sense of it, he pulled another post-it from the side and wrote out the three emotions. Underneath them, he wrote the colors. Red. Blue. Yellow.

Yellow and red became orange. Red and blue became purple. Yellow and blue became green.

He wasn’t a psychologist, he wasn’t a philosopher. He was merely a developer. He was an experienced one at that and with the right amount of free time and the right amount of motivation, he managed at least to pull out a framework and recall the color of the leaf on Hange’s lap.

Red. Yellow. Blue. Orange. Green. Purple. He had enough time to work on some front end tasks that day.

***

He finished it on Friday, the fifth of September, at around noon and maybe he had done a few hours of overtime to get it done, arriving home at midnight just the night before.

It wasn’t perfect but the colors showed up as a big dot under the emotion, and the application would flash in bright shades of red, yellow, blue, orange, green and purple, the latter three a mix of the basic emotions.

It had been a small act of just manipulating the data, loading Hange’s USB full of data to get it to work. Whether it would be accurate, he couldn’t tell but it would be something good to bring up on Monday maybe, a risky birthday present but still, a little risk seemed better than omission when it came to Hange.

The last few parts were a little tests on his end, while testing in between, while signing off necessary decisions for the testing on Monday.

The testing never worked, no emotions flashed onto the screen the few times he tested and every single time, he reminded himself, it wasn’t perfect but maybe Hange would still appreciate it.

By five, he was out, right on time and with his own personal project completed and downloaded into his phone, his workflow tracker empty, and everything ready for the large scale QA event on Monday and he thought himself a little deserving of a little stroll at the city center on a Friday night.

At around thirty minutes past five, he boarded the train, the same route home, stopping five stops shy of his usual stop.

The station at the city center on a Friday night was bustling. It had taken him a good one minute to even push himself out of the train. He only ever managed to get a glimpse of the shops, the city lights beyond the crowds not when he stepped out of the station, but a few blocks after that when for a good few minutes the crowds dissipated into something a little more breathable.

The luxury hotel Hange had mentioned was one, if not the best one in the city and Levi easily picked it out as he stood towards one of the less saturated parts of the crosswalk. It was a skyscraper, the windows were of the modern kind that reflected city lights in a unique way and they covered the building from top to bottom. And even from just his peripherals, he could pick the building out by the strange iridescent flashes of color.

The view was very much worth the price and Levi only had to walk ahead, catch it as a small glimmer behind buildings and crowds to know he was going the right direction, despite having to ride through the crowds.

He arrived at the block, the building only a few feet away, close enough that he had to strain his neck to get a glance of the skyscraper at the top. He looked back down at his phone.

6:30. Hange said they had a reservation for seven. He wondered why he was putting himself through that torture. Would he even get to talk to her? Eventually he realized, might as well make use of that information just to satisfy his curiosity again.

The restaurant was a small place, with glass windows, and if Levi stared long enough he could make out every single face there. For a Friday, it was still empty and he was able to conclude without much of a long glance that Hange wasn’t there.

So he took a good long stroll around the block. He entered leather shops, boutiques that sold branded clothing, staying long enough that the salesman had thought he would have bought.

Thirty minutes passed with a few bumps along the way. Sometimes minutes lasted years, sometimes they lasted split seconds but the bumpy wait was long enough for him to realize that he was doing something completely stupid.

It was Hange's birthday. That was Hange and Zeke's night. All he could give her that day was a greeting, and maybe a basket of fruits, care of Erwin.

So he planned a birthday message, saving it in the drafts. He didn’t have to give her the modified birthday application as a present. He could always prepare a script to pitch his suggested changes for the application on Monday. Disappointment and surrender had him lethargic and for a while after exiting the last store, Levi leaned back on some free brick wall where the space was for rent, a good distance away from the sea of people but still close enough that if he just stretched out his arm, he might just get dragged in.

He leaned back and stared, allowing himself that bout of reprieve as he watched the crowds go by. Crowds of people weren’t anything new, he dealt with those everyday trying to squeeze into the trains during rush hour every morning.

Crowds on a Friday, in the center of the city weren’t something he was completely used to though. He hated crowds and he always strategically timed his personal shopping trips to late afternoons on weekdays, particularly when it was much easier to maintain a comfortable distance from strangers.

When he was observing, time went by at a sluggish pace. For a while, Levi was hypnotized by the strange cadence that accompanied the view. The longer he stared, the more perceptive he became. There was a very big difference between crowds on a weekday during rush hour and crowds on a Friday night moving through a shopping district.

When he was close enough, he immediately picked it out, like a very small diamond in a sea of coal, invisible at first but from the right angle, it suddenly became crystal clear. Crowds in rush hour comprised hard, focused individuals. They were like streams: movements were loud, hard wired towards one direction.

Crowds on a Friday night were more like a river, they were moving but only barely, very subtly. Of course they would, the faces were relaxed, the people were rarely alone. Some clusters in the crowds came as one family, others came in groups of friends and others came in couples.

The more faces Levi scanned, the heavier he became. It dawned on him soon after he was alone in crowd of people and he was fucking lonely. For a second he considered testing his application, he decided soon after that he probably didn’t want a bunch of code rubbing his own loneliness and singleness in his face. For another second, he almost considered inviting Petra over.

Shaking both temporal thoughts away, Levi turned the corner and back to the main road, making some excuse that the main road which passed the five star hotel was the closest way back to the station. It was a valid conclusion at least, the main road was wide enough, and the shops were few and far in between that social distancing wasn’t too big of an issue.

There was another conclusion Levi liked to entertain though. He checked his watch. 7:30.

Hange had said before, the reservation was at seven. He dove into a crowd, while catching a glimpse of the restaurant to the window. Hange was surprisingly easy to spot, maybe because Levi had first swept through the seats on the corner with his vision. He spotted the brown hair, the glasses and a dark purple cocktail dress. Notably, there was no blond companion in front of her.

Zeke was in the toilet, his rational mind justified. “Have fun, Hange,” Levi said. At least he got to see her on her birthday, he allowed himself a passing thought on how well she had dressed up that night, similar to months ago when he had completed the test app. Then he brushed that thought away, looked straight ahead. He stayed with the sea of people, long enough to pass the hotel and as soon as he was a good distance away, he broke away, taking the underground path to the station.

It was still early and the station entrance was surprisingly more peaceful than above ground. He had enough space to open up his phone and check the birthday greeting in his drafts box.

Happy birthday Hange! Excited to continue working with you. See you on Monday for app testing. Btw, thanks for volunteering for the calibration on Monday.

He evaluated for himself that the text was a good balance between casual and professional. Satisfied, Levi clicked send and pocketed his phone as he made his way to the ticket gate.

The next time he opened his phone was in the train, three train stops in when he was lucky enough to catch an empty seat.

Thanks, Levi :)

It was too short of a message for Levi to read through and he was almost disappointed at such a turn out.

What did you expect, an ‘I love you?’ The tremble in his lips was enough evidence, that maybe a part of him did, as embarrassing, as ridiculous of a prospect as it was. He hovered his thumb over the keyboard, letting the weight of the incomprehensible emotions pass before he typed.

See you on Monday. That’s what he had wanted to type, just to keep the conversation going. Hange was still typing though.

Levi was staring at the bubbles above the message box for a good long few minutes. Minutes, it definitely took minutes. Hange was typing long enough for a station to announce a next stop, enough for the train to empty at that stop, enough for it to refill and enough for the conductor to announce the next stop,

The text eventually came. Where are you right now?

How the hell had that taken minutes to write, Levi didn’t know. He wasn’t eager to reciprocate though.

He replied within a few seconds. Why?

Hange took a little longer to reply. The bubble on the screen continued to bounce as Hange Zoe continued to type.

Nothing much. I was just curious. It had taken almost another train stop for Hange to type those six words.

A split second later, another message appeared underneath. Sorry for bothering you. So Hange wasn’t just a slow typer.

It was still eight in the evening, too early that for most, the night hadn’t even started. So Levi took a risk. He left the train at the next stop, boarded the other train that ran through that same line, the train that would bring him back to the city center.

Hange, you okay? He texted.

Hange didn’t reply. There was no bouncing of bubbles above the message box, but he continued to stare, just in case. And that little motion on the screen was a fickle thing.

Sometimes it appeared, sometimes it didn’t.

Hange Zoe is typing.... And sometimes, he stared at it for long enough that it seared into his vision even a minute after it was long gone from the screen.

She never did type anything and maybe he had waited too long for a response. By the time he arrived at the right station again, he tapped his card and exited the ticket gate and ran through the underground. When he reached above ground, he tried to maintain the same speed. That involved pushing through crowds and being a small man, he realized it wasn’t too much of a bother to anyone. After all, with the amount of people huddled in the crowds under the cool air of late summer, he wasn’t the only one pushing.

He didn’t have time to check his phone. And soon, he realized he didn’t need to. He arrived back at the hotel to find Hange hunched over, unmoving in the same seat she had been just a few hours back.

Zeke is in the toilet. Levi told himself. He waited a minute, then another. And when he looked closely, he realized, Hange was on her phone. He opened his phone to see the bubbles bounce again.

Hange Zoe is typing…

Levi was counting minutes, and the bubble never disappeared. He looked back up at the glass door to see Hange was still not moving, still slouched, her head bent over. To the phone on her lap maybe?

He looked back at his phone and concluded then, Hange had been typing for ten minutes.

Maybe Zeke is taking a shit. He set an alarm for ten minutes. The hotel and restaurant bathroom wouldn’t be too far. And no one took a shit for more than twenty minutes right? If Zeke didn’t come back in ten minutes, maybe that meant she was alone.

Ten minutes went by quickly. And a few times Hange had typed, a few times she had laid her phone on the table and leaned back on the chair. A waiter had offered wine once and Hange shook her head.

It would be rude to barge in but at the same time, there were answers he was desperate to get. He sent a message. Are you alone?

The typing stopped for a second. Then it continued for a minute. Then it stopped. Finally, like the sunshine after the rain, a chat bubble appeared and Levi savored the sound for a split second before he took in the contents.

Just one word. Yeah

Where’s Zeke?

He’s not coming tonight.

Levi leaned on the wall just next to the window and typed one message. You need someone there with you?

A few times he glanced back to see a waiter near her, handing Hange a small tray. The bill? He guessed. Hange should be going out soon but she continued to sit, for a few seconds longer.

Her reply came within those few seconds. I don’t wanna be alone tonight.

Levi leaned back on the wall and he closed his eyes. He took a deep breath, grappling with the conflict. Should he be happy? Sad?

His phone continued to buzz. Hange had left messages in succession.

Can I stop by?

I know a lot of places won’t be open.

We can get fast food.

Somewhere near your place maybe?

Anywhere that would be convenient for you.

Only if you’re not busy though.

Don’t feel obliged.

A string of messages, longer than he expected.

Exit the shop. Turn right and follow the sidewalk. Don’t cross the street. He was shit at the directions, but he decided for himself, she would ask anyway if she got lost.

It turned out, at the least, the directions sufficed. Soon he was hearing the clack of leather shoes, the rustle of a light autumn coat and Hange’s voice.

“What are you doing here?” Her voice was loud and clear even when it was competing with the sea of crowds, the other background conversations, the ads and the sound of traffic. Of course it would be, she was right next to him.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked. It wasn’t the best greeting but it felt like the most natural thing to say.

After all, Hange was smiling but it was an unusual smile. It was one of those smiles that seemed to be carrying a heavy weight. He figured it out after staring for a while longer. it was the weight of her cheeks, the prickling of her eyes. If she let the smile go, maybe everything would have fallen with it.

He gripped her by the hand. “You wanna go somewhere?”

“Let’s get out of here,” Hange said, a noticeable crack in her voice.

Maybe that had been enough to break the fragile smile on her face. In the crowds of people, in the middle of a busy street, there was no time for Levi to check. He thought it the best move to pull and maybe she thought it the best move to follow. She was obedient, predictable and light and he easily brought her farther from the center, towards the quieter parts of the city.

Five minutes of brisk walking, or maybe it was ten and soon, they reached an area with clusters of apartment buildings, residences. There were still small shops, a few restaurants and hole in the wall food stalls, some with lines spilling out all the way until the sidewalk.

At first, it seemed hopeless to find some place just for both of them. With time, Levi started to imagine one particular place that wouldn’t have so many people that late at night.

It should be bedtime for kids already anyway. He thought to himself. And when he articulated it, he was sure, there should be one. And there should be no people.

He just had to find one.

Five more minutes of following the winding roads between apartment buildings and he found one, a comfortable distance away from apartments. They could easily manage a soft conversation with no risk of being heard. He sat back on the swing, taking in the slide, the sandbox a few feet away, the monkey bars and high rise apartment buildings with most windows already illuminated just above them.

Hange had taken the seat beside him.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked again.

“I’m fine,” Hange spat out, only proving she was definitely not fine. There was enough light from the one street light on the corner, the shades of orange, red and white coming from the window and they had all worked together to show a glimmer of Hange’s face, even with her head bent down.

“Are you crying?”

The answer came in heaved breaths. The question must have made her more conscious. She bent down further on the swing. Her bangs covered her face and whatever glimmer he had seen a while ago was forgotten. Eventually, she gathered herself. “Levi, if you ask people why they’re crying, sometimes they just start crying.” She let out another breath.

That didn’t convince him to stop. “Why are you crying?”

“You don’t ask people that.” That time, the words came out a little more seamlessly.

“You asked me if I was crying back then… Back in the office.” Levi never forgot that harrowing experience and it was an easy memory to bring up.

There was silence for a second, save for a few more ragged breaths, the creak of the swing and maybe a few barking dogs from the distance.

Hange broke it herself, her voice much clearer than a while ago. “Sorry, I’m just tired,” she said. “Really tired.”

“Zeke ditched?” Maybe ditch wasn’t the right term. By the time he considered that, the words were long gone from his mouth.

“I knew he wasn’t coming,” Hange said. She pushed on the swing just a little bit, enough to have her swaying.

“Why did you wait?”

“We had a reservation.”

“But if he told you…”

“He told me to cancel it.”

“And your road trip?”

“He said not this weekend. He has a few more meetings and he couldn’t come home on time.” Hange’s voice was alarmingly serious, a sign of acceptance maybe?

Levi hoped not. In a feeble attempt to lighten the mood, he spoke up. “Happy Birthday.”

“I’d rather not think it’s my birthday.” Hange let out a pitiful excuse of a laugh. “How many birthdays do people even get, and here I am wasting one of them being sad.”

“I’m not the best company but I can try to do my part to help make it better,” Levi pulled out his phone and opened his email, opening the apk file he had been working on since that morning. He copied the download link and pasted it on Hange’s message box.

The message was sent quickly and the popping sound from Hange’s phone filled the silence of the empty playground.

“Happy birthday,” Levi said once again with a little more flourish.

“I told you, don’t remind me. Let’s just sit here and talk.” Hange gripped the chains of the swing and leaned back.

“Check your damn phone Hange.”

“Nah… My phone has been chocked full of disappointments since this morning.”

“I sent you your birthday gift through your phone.”

“It can wait until later,” Hange argued.

She was like a five year old child and Levi was starting to give up on even keeping the surprise.“I modified the app,” he said.

“What?” That had gotten Hange’s attention. She pulled out her phone.

“I created another copy of it, played around with the code.”

“Why?” She seemed curious more than anything. Curious was better than sad at least.

“As a birthday gift,” Levi said. “Just open the damn phone.”

Hange picked it up from her lap. A clicking sound as she unlocked the phone then silence and maybe a hint of humming as Hange fiddled with her phone. “I just download it right?”

“No shit Sherlock.” It was a stupid question. Hange had downloaded apk files more times than he could even count.

“Well, you said it’s a new app,” Hange said in defense.

“It is and it isn’t.” Levi moved his head, and it settled as a mix between a shake and a nod. “It’s not part of the original research plan… and I didn’t have much time to test it so it’s not perfect.” He unlocked his own phone and opened the emotions alarm. He stared at it for a second, hovering his thumb over the activate button then he looked over at Hange’s phone. “No need for an email. Just open it.”

“Nothing’s changed,” Hange said.

“Well, I added colors now,” Levi shrugged. “And I tried adding more emotions by playing around with the data, but who knows if they’ll show up.” At that point, he was self conscious enough that he saw it as an obligation enough to manage expectations.

He heard the familiar sound and he was sure Hange had activated it. He activated his own and leaned back on the swing and pushed just a little bit, enough to occupy himself while the alarm read them both.

Hange’s phone rang first.

“What did you get?”

“You added purple?” Hange asked. “What the hell does this mean?”

“Red and blue. So if red is anger and blue is sadness…” Levi started.

“Go on…” Hange said.

“I’m not a philosopher nor a psychologist. You say something.”

“Loathing?” She suggested. “A combination of anger and sadness… It sounds like loathing to me, or indignance.”

His own phone rang, he put the screen up. “I got green. Blue and yellow. Sad and happy. Can someone be sad and happy at the same time?”

“Acceptance,” Hange answered. “Or desire.”

“Those are opposites.” “Opposite sides of the spectrum but they’re the same feelings, they both involve happiness and sadness. Acceptance is sad happiness. Desire is happy sadness.”

He almost regretted asking for Hange’s feedback. He felt her speculation at the pit of his stomach and he only realized when his phone fell to the ground that he froze, lost his balance on the swing for a second. “This hasn’t been tested though so it’s all for fun.” A pathetic disclaimer but it didn’t seem to work. He looked up to see Hange was staring at him.

The tears had dried and her eyes were a bit brighter and she seemed more inquisitive than sad. “You know... " Hange started off slow,  breathless from amazement maybe. She was still fiddling, staring at her own screen. "This might be a good idea for the app. Let's test this again on Monday. Maybe we could add this."

“Maybe. We’re gonna have to revise the plan if we do.”

“Or we can keep it just a personal project but let’s think about it Monday.” Hange stood up. It’s getting late.” She put her hands up and stretched, swaying from side to side.

“Yeah, it’s getting cold too,” Levi said. Summer was ending soon.

“Happy Birthday to me,” she added, the venom from a while ago apparent. She pocketed her phone then held her sweater close. “Zeke said to wait a few weeks. I guess I’m gonna have to wait until next year to enjoy summer up north again. Maybe we can go south instead.” She kept her voice cheery, an attempt to lighten the mood.

A seemingly unsuccessful attempt. “You still wanna see summer up north?” Levi asked.

“I wouldn’t mind waiting. I guess what hurts about it is, I’ve been psyching myself up for days. I bought new clothes. I’ve been packing and I’ve already created a route for us,” Hange said.

“Yeah, you were talking about it a few days back, about how this one garden reminds you of Pemberley.” Levi asked.

“Well, last time I went there was a few years ago… There’s an area that reminds me of Pemberley, another one that reminds me of the Rosing garden---” Hange trailed off.

“I wanna see them all,” Levi said. He never finished the book and he wondered if she noticed. Regardless, he wanted to see it anyway. If there was something Hange could talk about for hours, something that had left her a lump of disappointment, he wanted to see it for himself.

“Really?” She said. “But with testing on monday… And you don’t seem like the type to---” Even under the dark night, Hange looked flustered, the pink in her cheeks still apparent.

“As long as we’re back before Monday right?” He didn’t know if she would agree. He didn’t expect her to but when Hange was already hovering such a prospect up in the air. When she had misunderstood that last statement to have been an invite, he might as well just play along. And enjoy it. “I don’t see any problem going with you,” he added that last part just to make it a little clearer.

"Like this weekend?" Hange asked, a look of disbelief on her face.

"This weekend." Levi nodded.

“Then let’s go. When do you think you’ll be ready?”

“We could leave right now.”

#levihan #levihan fanfiction

[queenjunoking]

Wolf Taming pt 44

CW: Noncon - Pain - Abuse - Torture

Z

Sonja had quickly learned to stop screaming when the cloth was removed. She quickly settled into a mixture of quick, deep breaths and crying. I could see her arms already beginning to bruise as she tried to get out of the chair. Given what was happening to her, it probably wouldn’t stop. It was an involuntary response. But bruises would fade.

I had been waiting twenty minutes for someone to stop me, but nothing happened. Rayne had probably written off Sonja as the failure she was and was probably looking for someone new to call in.

I decided that it was about time to see how far Sonja had progress. I removed the cloth from her face and she took a few deep breaths before holding it and closing her eyes. After a few seconds of nothing happening she opened them and looked at me. She was smart enough not to talk, a habit that I thought would be a lot harder to break. I smiled as I watched her toes curl and she tried to stop herself from letting out a moan as the vibrator did it’s job.

“No one has stopped me so far, Sonja. It’s only been twenty minutes so far. We could have hours together. Days depending on how long Molly takes to get Sasha back.” My words made her visibly begin to shake. Waterboarding wasn’t a method I liked to use. It didn’t do what I typically wanted it to do. But it was an experience few people can deal with for any length of time. “Rayne gave me a way out of whatever the breaker would do if I agreed to give up my membership. I can make this stop. I can undo the locks holding you to the chair. Just say out loud so everyone can hear and I might just do so. Or I can ask again after you get another few hours under the hose.”

Sonja immediately broke down crying. It didn’t surprise me, she was pathetic behind all that bravado she started with.. I could see her doing the mental math. She had no reason to believe we’d be interrupted. No one had come to her rescue since I began. She also knew I wasn’t planning on asking for a few hours if I was allowed to continue.

For Sonja, it was a losing battle. She could try and make her way through it, but that would just mean more pain before she would give up. Like every other person I had broken, she just wanted the pain to stop and she knew she was doomed.

“Please, I-I’ll willingly end my membership. I’ll announce to anyone and everyone that I don’t deserve it. Whatever you want. Just… please! Please no more.” She had stopped fighting against the restraints. She was just staring at me, pleading for mercy.

“Please say it louder so the people watching us can report that it’s what you want.” I grabbed her head and forced her to look at the window.

“Please! I don’t want to be a member! I don’t deserve it! Please revoke it!” She managed to sob the words out between tears. Tears of pain. Of fear. Knowing that she was giving up everything and what that meant.

I smiled at her gently and wiped away her tears. “Doesn’t it feel good to admit it… well Sonja was your name. But you don’t want to be a member anymore. Someone will give you a new name soon enough I bet.” I picked up the cloth again and watched her eyes go wide.

“Y-you said if I gave up you’d stop! That you’d undo the restraints! I won’t fight back! I won’t try and hurt you I promise!” Tears started forming again. I hoped she had been getting something to drink while the hose had been running over her earlier or she might get dehydrated soon.

“I said I’d think about it. You’ve admitted that you don’t want to be a member anymore and that you don’t deserve to be one.” Her eyes got even bigger as I spoke. “Therefore, your thoughts and opinions no longer matter.”

“Please. Don’t do this.” Her voice was barely above a whisper.

“You’re breaking, Sonja. But you aren’t broken yet. Let me help you. Once I’m done with you, the rest of your life will seem like a breeze.”

She screamed as I threw the cloth over her head again.She started to thrash harder than she ever had once I turned the hose back on. It was the response any cornered animal would have. Despite what she thought, I was here to help her. She’d eventually understand everything I did was for her own good.

I just wanted to help her.

Rayne

Setting up everything took far too long. I had missed some fun developments while I was getting prepared. It didn’t take long for Sonja to crack and beg to not be a member anymore. I had expected her to be at least a little better than that. I didn’t even get to enjoy watching it and the stupid contract stated we wouldn’t record anything unless Z gave up.

I decided to give her a few more minutes of fun before I knocked on the door and walked in. Z looked up from what she was doing, but she didn’t stop pouring water over Sonja’s face. Not that I cared much.

“Having fun, Z? I should have known you weren’t going to just cooperate.” I smiled at her, but she just looked bored.

“Those that give up are slaves. You don’t just walk in and willingly get on a breaking table. Someone has to force you to get on there.” Z turned off the hose and pulled the cloth off of Sonja’s face. It took a moment for her to recognize me.

“Rayne! Thank god! Ple-” Z unceremoniously dropped the cloth back over her face, muffling whatever begging she was about to try.

“Well, about that. I think it’s your turn to get on that table. I think you’d like living here as one of Flora’s art installations and you’ve already wasted an hour of my time torturing this failure.” Sonja would definitely be joining the household as an art installation. Though I couldn’t help but feel Sonja would devalue Z’s last broken slave. This is why I didn’t want her making more.

“Find a new breaker?” She looked at me as she turned the water back on. I watched as Sonja’s fingers grasped feebly at the chair she was trapped on like somehow digging her nails into it would make it let go of her.

“Yeah, me.” I stood tall and crossed my arms. I typically didn’t try to come off as serious, but Z could be dense sometimes.

She looked at me for a few moments before turning the water back off. “You’re hardly a breaker, Rayne. It’s a technique. It might be difficult for you to understand the concept, Rayne, because they’re supposed to survive the process.”

“Amazing, you have a sense of humor.” I smiled and started to walk towards her. “I’m going to knock you out and take you somewhere so you can start going through the breaking process. If you’re going to fight back, the time is now.”

I watched as she placed the hose down and picked up a knife that was on the table next to her. I knew she would have little quarrel in using it against me, especially since she knew she wouldn’t be in trouble for doing so

Fortunately, intent to use wasn’t the same thing as being good at using it. Z knew enough to defend herself, but most of the people born in the Society grew up learning how to defend themselves in a real way. You didn’t stay powerful for long if you couldn’t protect yourself.

She waited until I was closer and lunged. I decided to go with a riskier response to make a point. I grabbed her arm as she tried to stab me, stopping the knife just a few inches away from my stomach. Z was smart, but she was small and weaker than I was. With just one hand I twisted her arm to the side until she was forced to drop the knife.

I could see a look of hatred in her eyes, honestly the most emotion she had shown since she got here. I put my foot out, let go of her arm and tripped her, sending her to the floor. “Z, you can’t win this. How about you just go on a walk with me?”

She grabbed the knife off the floor and flung it at me. It was a sloppy move, now she didn’t have a weapon. “I don’t like Eos very much Z, but she was right about one thing. You’ve very childish when you’re upset about something.”

Her response was to run at me and punch me in the stomach with as much force as I assume she was capable of exerting. I didn’t even bother to move. “Z, you’re a sleep deprived lightweight.” She looked a bit surprised. I took that opportunity to grab her by the neck and squeezed.

She reacted like most people would when their air was taken away. She tried to pull away. She dug her fingers into my arm, hoping to hurt me enough to let go. Her last resort was stomping on my foot. It was admittedly unpleasant, but it didn’t loosen my grip. I watched as her eyes started to go unfocused. I couldn’t but smile at the thought of the fun I would be having soon.

She let out a few more gasps and her legs started to buckle under her. “Perhaps a short nap will help straighten out that attitude, Z.” Her eyes finally shut and she stopped moving. I dropped her into a heap on the floor. I could let her rest for a bit, I had some other fun to have first.

I walked over to the table and removed the cloth covering Sonja’s head. She took a deep breath and her eyes quickly scanned the room before focusing on me. “Thank god, you knocked her out. Please untie me. I-I’m sorry that I failed. I’ll just g-OH” I watched her convulse on the table for a different reason than she had been.

“You seem to be enjoying your time here, why would you want to leave?” I smiled at her and watched as she went red in the face.

“This wasn’t the deal!” She was starting to hyperventilate and struggle against the restraints. She visibly flinched as he bruises pressed against the metal cuffs.

“The deal was that you would break Z. You failed. The deal I had with Z was that she would have to deal with whatever breaker or breakers I chose. I don’t want to get between you and Z, but I’m adding a new breaker to the process. Myself.” I walked away from her and back to Z. I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. I didn’t think she’d weigh much, but she was surprisingly light.

“Please! You can’t leave me like this!” Her pleading became more desperate the close I got to the door.

“Sure I can. I am under no obligation to stop the breaking process as long as the breaker isn’t violating the contract and Z has not given up. If you want it to stop you’ll just need to get out of the chair. I’m not sure how this is part of your process, but it must be since I haven’t released you from your contract yet.” I opened the door to leave and heard one more desperate plea.

“Please! What do you want? I’ll do anything!” I looked back into the room. Sonja had really fallen, I couldn’t believe I believed this person could have broken Z. The chair was tilted back, her legs in the air with her head pointed towards the ground at a low slope. THe perfect position for me to see her blood shot eyes. A lovely look that came from the combination of the waterboarding and the crying. I’d have to remember to try this myself when I got bored next.

“Sonja. You are nothing. Your plea for your membership to be revoked was recorded.” I was lying, but she didn’t know that.

“You… you could just delete it.” Sonja got quiet, she didn’t try to deny that she said it.

“No, we’ll be submitting it along with some other paperwork to get your membership revoked by your own request. Of course, people who know about the Society but aren’t members are slaves.” Another round of tears started to stream down her face. She really believed I might help her and the truth of the situation was hitting her like a ton of bricks. “Enjoy the vibrator, Sonja. It might be the last nice thing you ever feel in your life. Though I hear stimulation like that will start to hurt pretty badly after a while. I’ll have someone check in on your in a few hours.”

Sonja let out a final rage-filled, blood-curdling scream as she realized her life was truly over. Under normal circumstances I might have enjoyed listening to it, but I had things to do. I simply closed the door and unceremoniously cut her off.

“Let’s go and have some fun, Z. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it as much as I will.”

[newstfionline]

Friday, April 9, 2021

The $50 billion race to save America’s renters from eviction (Washington Post) The Biden administration again extended a federal moratorium on evictions last week, but conflicting court rulings on whether the ban is legal, plus the difficulty of rolling out nearly $50 billion in federal aid, means the country’s reckoning with its eviction crisis may come sooner than expected. The year-old federal moratorium—which has now been extended through June 30—has probably kept hundreds of thousands or millions of people from being evicted from their apartments and homes. More than 10 million Americans are behind on rent, according to Moody’s, easily topping the 7 million who lost their homes to foreclosure in the 2008 housing bust. Despite the unprecedented federal effort to protect tenants, landlords have been chipping away at the moratorium in court. Treasury Department officials have been armed with nearly $50 billion in emergency aid for renters who have fallen behind, and are racing to distribute it through hundreds of state, local and tribal housing agencies, some of which have not created programs yet. The idea is to get the money to renters before courts nationwide begin processing evictions again.

A court filing says parents of 445 separated migrant children still have not been found. (NYT) The parents of 61 migrant children who were separated from their families at the U.S.-Mexico border by the Trump administration have been located since February, but lawyers still cannot find the parents of 445 children, according to a court filing on Wednesday. In the filing, the Justice Department and the American Civil Liberties Union indicated slow progress in the ongoing effort to reunite families that were affected by a policy to prosecute all undocumented immigrants in the United States, even if it meant separating children from their parents. Of the 445 remaining children, a majority are believed to have parents who were deported, while more than 100 children are believed to have parents currently in the United States, according to the court filing. The government has yet to provide contact information that would help locate the families of more than a dozen children.

N Ireland leaders call for calm after night of rioting (AP) Rioters set a hijacked bus on fire and hurled gasoline bombs at police in Belfast in at least the fourth night of serious violence in a week in Northern Ireland, where Brexit has unsettled an uneasy political balance. Youths threw projectiles and petrol bombs at police on Wednesday night in the Protestant Shankill Road area, while rioters lobbed bricks, fireworks and petrol bombs in both directions over the concrete “peace wall” separating the Shankill Road from a neighboring Irish nationalist area. Police Service of Northern Ireland Assistant Chief Constable Jonathan Roberts said several hundred people gathered on both sides of a gate in the wall, where “crowds ... were committing serious criminal offenses, both attacking police and attacking each other.” He said a total of 55 police officers have been injured over several nights of disorder. The recent violence, largely in pro-British loyalist areas, has flared amid rising tensions over post-Brexit trade rules for Northern Ireland and worsening relations between the parties in the Protestant-Catholic power-sharing Belfast government.

Biden seems ready to extend US troop presence in Afghanistan (AP) Without coming right out and saying it, President Joe Biden seems ready to let lapse a May 1 deadline for completing a withdrawal of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Orderly withdrawals take time, and Biden is running out of it. Biden has inched so close to the deadline that his indecision amounts almost to a decision to put off, at least for a number of months, a pullout of the remaining 2,500 troops and continue supporting the Afghan military at the risk of a Taliban backlash. Removing all of the troops and their equipment in the next three weeks—along with coalition partners who can’t get out on their own—would be difficult logistically, as Biden himself suggested in late March. “It’s going to be hard to meet the May 1 deadline,” he said. “Just in terms of tactical reasons, it’s hard to get those troops out.” Tellingly, he added, “And if we leave, we’re going to do so in a safe and orderly way.”

One in six Latin American youths left work since pandemic’s start (Reuters) Across Latin America and the Caribbean, one in every six people aged 18 to 29 has left work since the coronavirus pandemic began, forcing many to abandon their studies, a report said on Thursday. The precariousness of employment for young people rose across the region, according to an investigation by Canadian charity Cuso International based on data from a U.N. commission and a poll by the International Labour Organization. “It’s extremely difficult for young people to access the labor market due to issues around specialization, lower wages, and poverty,” the advocacy group’s Colombia director Alejandro Matos told Reuters. More than half of those who stopped working since the start of the pandemic were let go by their employers, the report said, while others saw their businesses close and those employed in the informal sector could not work due to lockdowns.

Myanmar ambassador in London locked out of embassy after speaking out against military (Washington Post) Myanmar’s ambassador to Britain, who has spoken out again the military coup in his country, said he was barred from the embassy in London on Wednesday by officials loyal to the military junta. “They are refusing to let me inside,” Kyaw Zwar Minn told the Telegraph. “They said they received instruction from the capital, so they are not going to let me in.” Kyaw Zwar Minn told the British newspaper that when he left the embassy during the day, colleagues and officials linked to the military stormed the premises and kept him from reentering that evening. In early March, the ambassador, a former military colonel, spoke out against the military’s detention of the former British colony’s leader Aung San Suu Kyi, drawing criticism from the junta that had orchestrated her ouster and praise from the British government for his “courage.” The London-based ambassador was recalled, according to Myanmar state television, after he posted a statement on the embassy’s Facebook page demanding “the release of State Counsellor Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and President U Win Myint,” but he did not return to Myanmar.

Merkel tells Putin to pull back troops as Kremlin accuses Ukraine of provocations (Reuters) German Chancellor Angela Merkel told Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday to pull back the Kremlin’s military buildup near the border with Ukraine, while he in turn accused Kyiv of “provocative actions” in the conflict region. Ukraine has raised the alarm over an increase in Russian forces near its eastern border as violence has risen along the line of contact separating its troops from Russia-backed separatists in its Donbass region. Russia has said its forces pose no threat and were defensive, but that they would stay there as long as Moscow saw fit. A senior Kremlin official said on Thursday that Moscow could under certain circumstances be forced to defend its citizens in Donbass and that major hostilities could mark the beginning of the end of Ukraine as a country.

China builds advanced weapons systems using American chip technology (Washington Post) In a secretive military facility in southwest China, a supercomputer whirs away, simulating the heat and drag on hypersonic vehicles speeding through the atmosphere—missiles that could one day be aimed at a U.S. aircraft carrier or Taiwan, according to former U.S. officials and Western analysts. The computer is powered by tiny chips designed by a Chinese firm called Phytium Technology using American software and built in the world’s most advanced chip factory in Taiwan, which hums with American precision machinery, say the analysts. Phytium portrays itself as a commercial company aspiring to become a global chip giant like Intel. It does not publicize its connections to the research arms of the People’s Liberation Army. The hypersonic test facility is located at the China Aerodynamics Research and Development Center (CARDC), which also obscures its military connections though it is run by a PLA major general, according to public documents, and the former officials and analysts, many of whom spoke on the condition of anonymity to discuss a sensitive matter. Phytium’s partnership with CARDC offers a prime example of how China is quietly harnessing civilian technologies for strategic military purposes—with the help of American technology. The trade is not illegal but is a vital link in a global high-tech supply chain that is difficult to regulate because the same computer chips that could be used for a commercial data center can power a military supercomputer.

Indonesia landslides death toll rises to 140, dozens missing (AP) The death toll from mudslides in eastern Indonesia has risen to 140 with dozens still missing, officials said Wednesday, as rain continued to pound the region and hamper the search. East Flores district on Adonara island suffered the highest losses with 67 bodies recovered so far and six missing. Mud tumbled down from surrounding hills early on Sunday, catching people at sleep. Some were swept away by flash floods after overnight rains caused rivers to burst their banks. On nearby Lembata island, the downpour triggered by Tropical Cyclone Seroja sent solidified lava from a volcanic eruption in November to crash down on more than a dozen villages, killing at least 32 and leaving 35 unaccounted for, according to the National Disaster Mitigation Agency.

Reversing Trump, Biden Restores Aid to Palestinians (NYT) The Biden administration announced on Wednesday that it would restore hundreds of millions of dollars in American aid to Palestinians, its strongest move yet to reverse President Donald J. Trump’s policy on the protracted Israeli-Palestinian conflict. The package, which gives at least $235 million in assistance to Palestinians, will go to humanitarian, economic, development and security efforts in the region, and is part of the administration’s attempt to rehabilitate U.S. relations with Palestinians, which effectively stopped when Mr. Trump was in office. The restoration of aid amounted to the most direct repudiation so far of Mr. Trump’s tilt toward Israel in its decades-old conflict with the Palestinian population in Israeli-controlled territories.

Royal rift ends (NYT) Jordan’s King Abdullah II said on Wednesday that the “discord” that has roiled the kingdom for days has “been stopped,” signaling a resolution to a rare royal rift that resulted in the house arrest of Prince Hamzah bin Hussein, the former crown prince, and the detention of several Jordanian officials who were accused of plotting a foreign-backed coup against the monarchy.

Conflict and COVID driving record hunger in DR Congo, warns UN (Al Jazeera) A record 27.3 million people in the Democratic Republic of the Congo are facing acute hunger, one-third of the violence-wracked Central African country’s population, largely because of conflict and the economic effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, the United Nations has warned. The DRC is “home to the highest number of people in urgent need of food security assistance in the world,” the World Food Programme and the Food and Agriculture Organization said on Tuesday in a joint statement, describing the scale of the crisis as “staggering”. “For the first time ever we were able to analyse the vast majority of the population, and this has helped us to come closer to the true picture of the staggering scale of food insecurity in the DRC,” Peter Musoko, WFP’s representative in the country, said. “This country should be able to feed its population and export a surplus. We cannot have children going to bed hungry and families skipping meals for an entire day,” he said.

Beware The Carpet Cleaner (The Guardian) Parkinson’s disease is the fastest-growing neurological disorder in the world, and the US is experiencing an explosion of cases. In the last decade, the number of Parkinson’s cases in America has increased 35%, and a neurologist at the University of Rochester Medical Center thinks over the next 25 years it will double again. Most cases of the disease are considered idiopathic—without a clear cause. But researchers now believe one factor is environmental exposure to trichloroethylene (TCE), a chemical compound used in industrial degreasing, dry-cleaning, and household products like some shoe polishes and carpet cleaners. TCE is a carcinogen already linked to renal cell carcinoma, cancers of the cervix, liver, biliary passages, lymphatic system and male breast tissue, fetal cardiac defects, and more. Several studies point to a link between Parkinson’s and workplace exposure to TCE. The US Labor Department issued guidance on TCE saying exposures to carbon disulfide (CS2) and TCE are presumed to “cause, contribute or aggravate Parkinsonism.”

‘Tantalizing’ results of 2 experiments defy physics rulebook (AP) Preliminary results from two experiments suggest something could be wrong with the basic way physicists think the universe works, a prospect that has the field of particle physics both baffled and thrilled. Tiny particles called muons aren’t quite doing what is expected of them in two different long-running experiments in the United States and Europe. The confounding results—if proven right—reveal major problems with the rulebook physicists use to describe and understand how the universe works at the subatomic level. “We think we might be swimming in a sea of background particles all the time that just haven’t been directly discovered,” Fermilab experiment co-chief scientist Chris Polly said in a press conference. “There might be monsters we haven’t yet imagined that are emerging from the vacuum interacting with our muons and this gives us a window into seeing them.” If confirmed, the U.S. results would be the biggest finding in the bizarre world of subatomic particles in nearly 10 years, since the discovery of the Higgs boson, often called the “God particle,” said Aida El-Khadra of the University of Illinois, who works on theoretical physics for the Fermilab experiment.

Unlikely chauffeur (Foreign Policy) Kevin Rudd is best known as a former Australian prime minister. Last Tuesday night in Queensland, he was mistaken for an Uber driver. The former Labor party leader became an unlikely chauffeur when a group of revelers—described as “tipsy” by Rudd’s daughter—piled into his car as he sought parking at a local restaurant. Rudd obliged the passengers, reportedly driving half the journey to the town’s main drag before being recognized by his would-be customers. “Four young Melburnians getting drenched in a Queensland subtropical downpour at Noosa last night with no Uber in sight … So what’s a man to do?” Rudd later wrote on Twitter.

#headlines #news

[relenaonice]

Ready Player One

Chu Wanning didn’t exactly know how he got into VR games, let alone ASMR ones.

Just, one day, after a bad break up, he saw a VR headset through a shop window, thought he could do with an outlet to vent about his actually-very-shitty life, and he bought it.

He had never been an impulse buyer but he hadn’t thought of asking the clerk for advice either, so after browsing fruitlessly through the online store, he still had no idea about which game would suit him the best.

He yielded and decided on playing soothing videos for the time being, at least VR should make the experience much more immersive. He had trouble sleeping, so he had recently gotten into ASMR videos: some days it was cooking videos, others guqin music or someone whispering as they read a book. As long as they let him relieve stress and distracted him from unpleasant thoughts, everything went.

It was then that he saw the ad for “Sisheng Peak’s Novelties”, the ‘best ASMR VR game out there’, according to the reviews on the net.

It was a Chinese online platform with a xianxia setting. People could choose between different routes, e.g. they could start out as disciples and grow into full-fledged cultivators as they unlocked all kinds of achievements in a highly relaxing haven. Everything was reworked so that each task and adventure was so very therapeutic and recreational. Chu Wanning looked at lots of walkthrough videos for this game and found it was simply perfect. Everything was neat, organized and thought for maximum enjoyment.

You could cook in Mengpo Hall, meditate in Yanluo Hall, plant flowers in the Red Lotus Pavillion, do some body training in the Mountain of Dagger and Sea of Flames or be rewarded for your accomplishments in the Platform of Sin and Virtue. Everything was accompanied by background music: every player could choose among a vast catalog and organize the songs in a playlist.It could be ASMR music, nature sounds or whatever they wanted to listen to at the moment.

If he had one complaint it was for the naming sense of the developers. Like, the Aaaaaaaaah peak (which, why? But you could learn to fly there, so… he guessed it made sense) or how some of the names didn’t exactly evoke peacefulness. But well, as long as it didn’t impede enjoyment, he didn’t really care. He could get used to the eccentricity of meditating in a place called ‘Yanluo Hall’, and exercising in a Mountain of Dagger and Sea of Flames.

He bought from the online store the starting package and set an account. He could choose his avatar appearance and his own name of course, but an option to randomize this features also existed, so to produce minimum stress in the account. He thought about it for a while, as he browsed through the options available. There were human avatars at every stage of life, creatures and even animals, or he could use a scan of his own face to customize his outward appearance.

In the end he settled for human form, adult stage of life, not customized after him. He chose long silky hair and white clothes and as a name, Yuheng. It wasn’t what he looked like but it was a good rendition of himself and his aloof character. As a matter of fact it would have been a waste of good looks on him to choose a lovable appearance if he couldn’t match it with a lovable character. He drove away the negative thoughts about himself and hurried to start the game.

He decided early on to avoid the disciple route and to become one of the elders. In order to play that route, he had to create a routine that encompassed teaching some classes (he just had to choose some subjects and the system would make it a viable choice for those who were on the disciple route), training, meditating, eating and occasionally repairing the barrier in the Ghost Zone behind the Mountain that hosted Sisheng Peak.

This way he wouldn’t need to leave Sisheng Peak for missions at all: he’d have all the time to explore the area as he hunted for relax. This sounded perfect for him.

—

In time Chu Wanning found a passion for what passed in the game as “mechanics”: there were sets he could put together that didn’t quite work as puzzles, they were more like sequences he had memorized that he could exercise everyday without thinking too much about them and worked well as a stress-relieving activity.

He also loved the Red Lotus Pavillion so much that he cleared all the missions related to it and moved inside a house he unlocked there on a lotus lake. He would mute the background music and listen to the sounds the wind and the rain made against the water. It was quiet and there were no disturbances, no noises and no one to answer to.

Eventually he got addicted to making some dish he could find on the menu in Mengpo Hall, a sweet variation on wontons that had haitang flowers as a filling (which he was not sure was edible at all, but he liked the ending result enough not to question things). The wontons had a rosy pink tint on them and they looked lovely on the plates.

As a plus, if you headed to Mengpo hall early enough in the morning there was also this snack item you could find in limited numbers that had the shape of a flower and it tasted really good. Everyday it would give the player different goods and he liked the element of surprise.

Chu Wanning liked indulging in all these little things.

Then, on a Sunday morning, as Chu Wanning logged expectantly into his account, everything suddenly changed.

—

Something was very wrong with his line of vision.

All around him other players were running around and Chu Wanning had to distressingly raise his chin to look at their faces. Some people were messily shouting something through the voice chat filters, superimposing each other. What even—

“We were hacked!”

Chu Wanning paled. He opened the settings in a hurry and had a quick look. All his progress on the game was still there, but he now had the appearance of a child and he couldn’t reverse the change!

He quickly changed passwords and logged out.

Not knowing what to do, he logged in again and tried changing the settings again to no avail, so he wrote to support and included some screenshots of everything that was altered without his consent. In the meantime he opened the general chat and tried fishing for information, which wasn’t helpful at all but at least calmed him down.

When the support’s answer came in, it was an automated message with a short notice added in, which said that they were aware of the hack, that the team was working on it, that the platform was now safe but it would take time to reverse some of the changes, so they advised to have patience and ignore the issue in the meantime.

Chu Wanning took a look at ‘Xia Sini’, five years old, and choked.

—

So, Xia Sini, ‘scare to death’. Ahah, the hackers were so NOT funny. Since there was no real damage done to the platform, then someone just thought it would be fun to make a mess of a place with people in search of a safe haven. So messed up.

He needed to unwind and since the platform was still functioning, why not use it? Xia Sini could still serve his purpose, there was no reason to make a fuss. He was set on the disciple route, so this was his opportunity to try something new.

He headed for Mengpo Hall hoping to find his favorite item of the day; there he saw some dog sniffing around the pantry but he gave it no mind as he reached for the last snack item available.

Just to have the dog bite into the packet at the same time as him.

Please no. Just let me have this. Chu Wanning pulled firmly on his side of the packet hoping to snatch it from the beast, which in turn growled and shook it vehemently with his fangs.

“Leave it!”

The dog—a husky, snarled. Chu Wanning was tiny in this form and the dog was almost as tall as him. Nevertheless, he had no intention to give up. This was not a real dog, this was a person that had no qualms stealing from children.

He had to do something.

Chu Wanning liked to think of himself as a man of integrity, even his real life appearance being one to elicit dread and respect in those who surrounded him. But in this place he could do as he pleased, appearances be damned. What lay behind the disguise didn’t matter, whatever mistakes he made because of his pride to end up here, didn’t matter.

So Chu Wanning, 35 yo, burst into tears.

The dog froze, the packet still half into his mouth, while the child in front of him started wailing very very loudly. Big fat tears were sliding down his face endlessly, like a downpour.

Chu Wanning didn’t remember ever crying like that, not even when his parents died. Maybe it’s that he needed to, that he unconsciously regrets not doing so. Maybe he was hurt more than he liked by the whole break up thing and that’s why he ended up here, broken, but still willing to heal.

The husky let go of the packet and inched closer, all the while emitting a low whine. They rubbed their muzzle against his cheeks and licked at his tears.

Chu Wanning broke into hiccups and raised a hand to rub that soft head. That caused the dog to rise up their ears, rear up on their hind legs and lean their front paws on the child’s shoulders while wagging their tail madly and licking his face.

“Stay down, down!”

A low whine followed as the dog let go of Chu Wanning, turned, took the snack and left it at his feet.

Chu Wanning turned a little red but he still picked it up in the end.

“You want half?”

The husky barked excitedly, so Chu Wanning opened the snack item, tore it into half and gave it to the dog, who ate it from his little hand.

“You’re a player character right?”

Another enthusiastic bark. Oh my, he really made a fool of himself in front of a stranger. And he was actually licked by this same person, yay.

“You’re like that because of the hack.”

A loud bark followed by a whine. That was a mortified ‘yes’ if he ever knew one.

“So you can’t talk at all? You’re going to bark until they reverse the changes?”

A whine. Wow, they sure got it way worse than him.

“Did you try looking into the forums? Maybe there’s an option buried somewhere.”

The husky raised their ears and twirled in excitement while panting. Seems like they didn’t think to check.

“Okay, I’ll help you sort through them, give me a minute. You’re new to the platform?”

One single decisive woof. New, then.

“I’ve got you. Wait here.”

Chu Wanning’s entire line of reasoning rested on the basis that barking all the time must be too stressful to the player for there not to be a way to communicate freely if they ever needed to. As it turned out, he was pretty spot on: there’s an option but it might not be selectable after the hacking. There was no alternative other than to try.

When he came to, the husky was sitting obediently wagging their tail and by their side lay the item of the day. They pushed it towards Chu Wanning with their snout, as a sign of gratitude. It was a mechanical piece, to go with the pieces he had already collected.

“Can I really have this?”

As an answer, the giant dog licked his face again.

“Stop it!”, exclaimed, while cleaning the drool off his face with a sleeve, “I found you a way to be able to speak, but it uses some kind of filter, so I warn you, it’s not ideal.”

But the husky erupted into a howl and started jumping and twirling around. Okay, it doesn’t matter then, it seemed. Chu Wanning promptly told them what to do and then waited for the dog to exit their suspension status.

When the dog opened their eyes, a distorted male voice coughed through and said:

“—I swear those hackers are dead meat. Wait, do you hear me now?”

Then, before Chu Wanning could answer, the voice filter kicked in: “…woof, woof!”

An absurdly cartoonish ‘woof’ by all standards too. That was like a chihuahua barking.

The husky looked at him with sheer horror in his eyes. Long seconds of silence stretched on and Chu Wanning… He couldn’t help but cover his face with both his hands and try to suppress the laughters.

“THE FUCK WAS THAT??? Woof, woof.”

The mortified dog kept howling and whining, probably too embarrassed to speak again if every sentence had to be followed by a woof. Chu Wanning couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t graceful and he felt shame in that. But behind Xia Sini’s appearance he felt safe to do as he wanted, so he had let it all out and that felt… liberating.

“I heard you, loud and clear.”

An offended bark made its way back to him.

“As I was saying the voice filter is annoying but it can’t be removed. At least you can talk now.”

The husky opened his jaws and closed them a few times, before steeling himself and replying sorrowfully under his breath:

“At what price though, woof, woof.”

—

In the end they stuck together. Taxian-jun, which was what the dog was randomly renamed to after the hacking, agreed on showing him the disciple route, that he never got to play since he started.

“The best missions are the ones you can find down to the city. Also, it’s best to stock up on your XPs before heading out. Is that okay for you? Woof, woof.”

Chu Wanning had never been outside Sisheng Peak. He emitted a low ‘mh’ while lost in thought. He was definitely interested, he really had wanted to try taking on a mission outside. Taxian-jun led him to the stairs and they started to go down by foot, since as a dog he couldn’t hold a sword and Xia Sini after a session of flying lessons on the Aaaaaaaaah peak decided it wasn’t for him.

“How do you replenish your XPs?”

“By eating, woof, woof.”

“We could have done that at Mengpo Hall.”

“There are better places. I have enough coins for two, let me treat you since this is a first for you, woof woof.”

Chu Wanning’s cheeks warmed up in embarrassment.

“Mh.”

The city was really lively. There were a lot of player characters but the background music had a soft and lively tone to it that ensured the crowding wouldn’t get too overwhelming. Taxian-jun dragged him to a food stall not far from the main square and there he ordered soup for two.

“Make it mild for me, I can’t stand spice.”

The husky’s gaze turned sharp for a moment, before saying so to the vendor. The soup was ready in a few minutes and it was really delicious, nothing to do with the austere version available for free at Mengpo Hall.

“It’s good.”

“Told you. Whoever came up with this game knew how to soothe even your taste buds, woof, woof.”

Taxian-jun had his own bowl placed on the ground and lapping at it, he made a mess of it. Chu Wanning turned up his nose at the sight and took a step back. Such a disgraceful way of eating, he hadn’t seen it in awhile. Some memories started flooding into his brain and he forcefully repressed them. It wasn’t the right timing to get depressed.

“Where are we getting our mission from?”

“In the main square there’s a board, you’ll see. There you can choose which one you like best and reserve it so that no one else can take it. There’s difficult and easy ones both, woof, woof.”

“Then I want to try one that’s difficult.”

The husky looked at him with disbelief.

“That depends on the amount of training you got done in Sisheng Peak, let me check, woof, woof.”

Taxian-jun put his muzzle against Chu Wanning’s raised palm and unlocked his stats.

“Wow, you mentioned that you were here much longer than me, woof, woof.”

The hackers had not erased the progress players had made in the game nor their stats but still his current height wasn’t ideal. He had no reach even with a weapon, so he could rely only on magic in case of emergency. He had a companion though: he had someone to watch his back, a giant dog at that, so yeah, that was nice.

On the board there were all kinds of missions, difficulty stated by the number of stars on the notice.

“What do you think about this one, woof woof.”

It was three stars out of five and they had to retrieve a magical flower from a cave. It was a good quest. But Chu Wanning snatched another one and showed it to the husky.

“This one.”

It had four stars and they had to search for a child. Her mother had lost sight of her in Butterfly Town and since then there had been no signs of her.

“You sure? For an ASMR VR game it’s pretty ruthless in how fast you can fail missions. Once failed it becomes available to other players and you have to spend some time training in Sisheng Peak before you can venture out again. Woof, woof.”

“I want to do it.”

After that Taxian-jun said nothing else. He reserved the mission and they were equipped by the system with all the necessary for the travel.

Luckily the town wasn’t as far away as he thought. In order to make the game realistic it could take a while to reach the outer regions but thankfully this wasn’t the case. Once there, they started asking around and unlocking achievements one after another, until they obtained a reliable info on where the lost girl could be. Apparently she was reported to be kidnapped by some forest spirits and locked up in the mountains. No one had been able to free her because the way up was riddled with traps.

They had been prepping for the hike when Taxian-jun stopped him.

“Are you okay? You’ve been kind of tense since you saw the notice for this mission, woof, woof.”

The husky was looking at him with a dark penetrating look, and Chu Wanning thought it was impressive how on the money his perceptions were. He knew of no one by his side that had ever been able to glean what’s under the surface. That’s how impassive he usually was.

Chu Wanning sighed. It was too late anyway to start on the next part of their quest; they had been gaming for the last several hours and it was time to stop. Tomorrow was a work day and he had to sleep at least a little. So he sat down and actually tried answering his question.

“It’s stupid, really. But if you want to know, my parents died when I was that girl’s age. I guess this tiny form is finally getting to me.”

“That’s tough, man. Is that why you’re playing this game? If I read you right, you’re not a gamer, you’re more the type that’s got a reason to be here, right? Woof, woof.”

“That’s not it.”

It came out bluntly, like a warning. Taxian-jun looked at him attentively, while staying a bit on the defense. He was sitting far away from him, watching his every move.

“You know, I asked because I’ve also got a reason to play this game. I just thought you were the same as me, woof, woof.”

Chu Wanning softened.

He really liked this person.

“Can you play tomorrow in the evening?”

“Yeah, I can make it. See you tomorrow then? Woof, woof”

“See you.”

Chu Wanning quickly disconnected the device and pulled his head out of the headset. He rested with his head on the chair looking at the ceiling for a long time, too many feelings in his chest to discern them all.

—

When Chu Wanning logged in again, Taxian-jun had already begun clearing the surrounding area of all the traps. Some of them must have got him and his fur was bloodied on his right side but that didn’t seem to deter him much.

“You should have waited for me”, reprimanded Chu Wanning, to which the dog replied under his breath: “Yeah, leave it all to the runt, what could go wrong, woof, woof.”

Annoyed, Chu Wanning whipped out Tianwen, his divine weapon, and got rid of some spirits about to ambush them.

“WHAT? Where the fuck did you find that now?! Woof, woof.”

“Some cultivators getting back to Sisheng Peak found it while on a mission but couldn’t get it to work. Apparently they didn’t have the right stats and the weapon deemed them unworthy.”

“You’ve got luck on your side, you know that, right? That’s rare. Woof, woof.”

“I know. There’s only another one like it, it’s red and no one has unearthed it yet.”

The husky grumbled something like “That you know”, before getting back to clear out the area once again.

By the end of the gaming session, they had fought their way up to the top of the mountain and found the caged girl. The story behind it was actually impressive: as it turned out she had not been kidnapped at all, she had been locking herself up in a cage in order to protect her adoptive mother, since she discovered she was only half human and feared cultivators would go after her mother in order to imprison her. So, the girl had been pretending to have vanished into thin air, leaving no trace of her existence; she couldn’t imagine her mother would get indebted in order to publish a notice on the city board and hire actual cultivators in order to find her. All the other players attempting this mission had actually been terminated by her.

Chu Wanning had been tearing up a little and Taxian-jun had noticed this. But Chu Wanning didn’t care, he was just glad this had a happy ending. After fighting her, since she was a spirit, she entered a contract with them, so that she wouldn’t have to worry anymore about cultivators seeking after her mother. She was a powerful weapon, so she definitely was worth the trip and all the difficulties they had encountered on the way.

“Let’s do it again.”

Taxian-jun, who was just a step away from dying of blood loss, looked at Xia Sini like he had betrayed him.

“You’ve got no right to say that, half of these injuries were me trying to protect your sorry ass! Woof, woof.”

“Oh? Were they?”, he said, while coyly looking at him through lowered lashes.

That reaction must have taken him by surprise, because Taxian-jun stared at him a beat longer than what was appropriate. Embarrassed, Chu Wanning lowered his gaze, pretending to have not noticed, when he heard the giant dog talk as if lost in thought.

“You… really remind me of someone. But at the same time you don’t. And it’s painful to me when you do, but when you do resemble them, I’m really happy too. Woof, woof.”

Chu Wanning knew those feelings well. They threatened to swallow him up if he wasn’t careful, if the lid on the box wasn’t properly sealed shut. He couldn’t sleep anymore because they were always lurking in the shadows, ready to clasp him and drown him. It hurt.

“You know, it’s really hard taking you seriously when everything you say is followed by a woof.”

This seemed enough to spite Taxian-jun out of his trance.

“Remind me, why do I even bother with you? Woof, woof.”

“Oh wait, wait, now I get it, you were talking about your master just now!”

“You deserve nothing, man, nothing! Woof, woof.”

He turned around and made to leave, when Chu Wanning called out to him once again.

“You know, I get how you feel. I get it. I was abandoned too, so that’s why I ended up here, you were right to assume that.”

“But even if it hurts, I’m still happy I came here. That I feel I can open up to someone, that I’m on the same page with them, that I don’t have to feel inferior, all that is new to me. But it’s thanks to you that I can feel this way. It’s all you.”

“So, please, let’s do it again, gege.”

Taxian-jun didn’t say anything for a very long time. Then, he just walked towards Chu Wanning, put his muzzle on his shoulder and whined until he felt better. In return Chu Wanning hugged that soft head and pet it, again and again.

—

The next day, Chu Wanning was actually looking forward to meet again with the husky. At work he botched some of his tasks and then called it a day a little early: it had been months since the last time he had felt so alive.

On the way home he looked at the notifications on his smartphone and although he usually felt a pang in his heart at how barren it was now, today it didn’t matter. Sure, people still wrote to him but that wasn’t really the point. Since the break-up he had found himself empty and useless, like something worn and thrown away.

Today though, it felt different. He had expectations. He hurried through the entrance door, undressed, found something comfortable to wear and turned on the headset. They had decided on taking on another quest, so they had to wait for one another at the city board. Chu Wanning had wanted to arrive a little early to have the time to peruse through all the notices, curious about what Taxian-jun had to say about them.

He wanted to know more about him. He had an easygoing attitude that Chu Wanning really liked about him. But at the same time, he wasn’t cool in the slightest, all mopey as he was about someone leaving him behind. He was just like Chu Wanning, human.

His ex wasn’t like that. His ex was beautiful and perfect, and not the type of person one would want to break up with. Chu Wanning had always orbited around him like a moth to a very bright light: it was always bound to end and it was a given that his ex would be the one to do it. But when it finally happened, Chu Wanning had felt betrayed. One part of him had always hoped they could work it out.

But they couldn’t and soon his ex had had enough.

Chu Wanning hadn’t even thought of asking him why. His head had been empty and the only thought swirling in his mind was: ‘you knew this day would come to pass’. So in the end he had just asked him to leave him alone.

The notices present on the board were all very varied and Chu Wanning really liked one set in the outer regions, the poorest and the most dangerous. This game was at its core an ASMR experience but it was also a video game, so if the players wanted an adventure, that they would get.

Taxian-jun finally joined him and Chu Wanning immediately showed him the mission that caught his eye. They were discussing the merits of it when a red banner invaded their sight with the words:

【 System notice: the effects of the hack have been reversed, please log out to allow for the recovery of the account 】

Chu Wanning pressed ‘OK’ and looked in the direction of Taxian-jun.

“Well, it seems like neither of us will have to suffer my barking anymore, woof, woof.”

“It suited you. It wasn’t that annoying.”

“Well, same, you know? I can’t imagine you like an adult. All this cuteness wasted, what a pity. Woof, woof.”

Taxian-jun hadn’t even finished talking that Chu Wanning had already drawn Tianwen out, ready to strike.

“I’m joking, what the hell! Let’s log out, all right? Woof, woof.”

Saying that, he entered suspension mode and then vanished. Chu Wanning sighed and did the same. When he logged in again, he found his line of vision was turned to normal. He checked his settings and yeah, everything was exactly like he left it: dark long hair, phoenix eyes and white dress, the Yuheng elder was back at it again.

He quickly resumed the game and found a man standing in Taxian-jun’s place. He turned and saw a youth in a high ponytail, blue robes and…

“Mo Ran?”

Chu Wanning couldn’t breathe.

It was his ex. Taxian-jun was his ex. He must have customized the avatar on his physical appearance, because he was a perfect carbon copy.

“How do you know…”

The man was confused for a moment, then it seemed like he connected the dots because his expression changed to one of desolation as he murmured: “Wanning.”

“Chu Wanning.”, he corrected him. ‘Why do you always do this’, he told himself.

So unnecessary.

Chu Wanning couldn’t stay there. No wonder he had liked Taxian-jun so much, how could he have been so blind? No, he knew exactly why: he had wanted Mo Ran back by his side so badly, that he had chosen to ignore the obvious. That, and the avatar the hackers randomized for him had a voice filter on, or he would have noticed.

“Wait, let’s talk—”

Chu Wanning logged out and took his head out of the headset.

He couldn’t do this. To think he had started looking forward to this, that this game was really working miracles for his anxiety and now he had not many options left beside stopping using it.

Chu Wanning lay against the backrest of his chair.

Mo Ran had his heart broken by someone he loved that had rejected him. This knowledge both angered and surprised him. When did it happen? Is that why Mo Ran left? He had been cheating on him? Or maybe it was after. This embittered him even more, so quick to fall in love with the right person.

He couldn’t imagine anyone rejecting Mo Ran, he was perfect. Even the way he had left him was fitting, given the way their relationship developed. They had jumped into it without too much of a care and it had ended the same way.

His smartphone started ringing. Wary, Chu Wanning reached for it and, yeah, it was Mo Ran. Chu Wanning panicked and didn’t answer.

Half an hour later, it rang a second time. Mo Ran, again. Chu Wanning didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to talk about it, there was nothing to talk about! It was just an unfortunate coincidence, right? So in the end he answered.

“I am on the street outside your house.”

Chu Wanning threw himself against the windows and here he was. He was wearing such unflattering clothes, a stark contrast from the person he knew then. He must have rushed to take his car in order to be here so soon.

“I don’t… There’s nothing to talk about, just forget about it.”

He heard Mo Ran inhale sharply.

“So you weren’t talking about me in the game. I guess you can love and open up to anyone as long as that person isn’t me.”

Chu Wanning scoffed.

“What?”

“I didn’t even know your parents died!”

“What does that have to do with it? Why are you even talking about this now!”

“Wanning, who were you talking about in the game?”

He sounded angry.

“W-who were you talking about?”

“I was talking about you! Who else?!”

What?

“But you left me.”

Chu Wanning was dumbfounded.

“Hell yeah, I left you! You didn’t tell me anything, you were a wall and when I tried telling you I felt alone you even told me I was free to seek others!”

“I meant your friends! I thought you were asking me for some space! Also, I didn’t word it like that. I wasn’t asking you to break up!”

“Space? But we barely saw each other! What—Please, can we talk? Can you come down?”

Chu Wanning was frozen. Mo Ran was implying he loved him. This was absurd.

Mo Ran had really been talking about him all the while though.

“I… was talking about you too.”

Mo Ran let out a trembling breath.

“Wanning, you told me you felt you were inferior, that we weren’t on the same page. Is that true?”

“…”

“Wanning, please.”

“I’m coming down.”

“Good.”

Chu Wanning could feel the warmth in his voice. He liked that.

“You didn’t fall in love with someone else then.”

“How could I? Have you even seen yourself?”

Chu Wanning, that had just closed the entrance door and was heading down, tripped on his feet. At this pace, he wasn’t guaranteed to arrive safe and sound.

“But you’re beautiful.”

“So are you.”

“You’re easygoing.”

“Yes, but you’re kind.”

“…I’m going to miss you as a husky.”

Mo Ran laughed. What a nice sound.

“You tell me, Xia Sini was a cuteness overload. When you called me gege you nearly broke me.”

“I was supposed to be five.”

“You were not, though. And when you broke into tears after we fought for the snack, I was so agitated. To think you could cry like that. Unbelievable.”

“I’m human too.”

“Yeah, I noticed. You cried when we saved the girl too. You being so emotional while still reminding me so much of ‘you’ was painful but it gave me hope too. If you could open up to me, maybe it wasn’t me the reason the adult you couldn’t love me. That made me accept myself. It soothed me.”

Chu Wanning turned red. He hurt him so much. He was almost out in the street but he had no face to say as such to Mo Ran. He was afraid. Even if they got together again, all those months of pain and distrust would not be easy to overcome. His anxiety would project every sort of scenario where Mo Ran could leave him again and flare it up into blown-up terror and rejection.

Still, he liked him. He had loved him since the first time he had smiled at him. If Mo Ran came to hate him one day, he could always think back to this moment, when he thought he was hated but instead he was so loved.

He steeled his nerves and came out into the street.

“Wanning.”, he heard and for one moment he saw a very soft and good boy barreling into his arms. He was not so different from his furry companion, he thought. How did it miss that about Mo Ran? He was so much about a dog, so loyal, so hopelessly waiting for him to look and pet him. He wasn’t perfect at all.

Chu Wanning really really liked him.

—

“Cover me on that side!”

“There’s too many enemies, I can’t!”

“Don’t worry, just do it!”

Chu Wanning did as he was asked and saw Mo Ran summoning a new weapon.

It was a red Tianwen.

“Jiangui!” he called, and with a single lash he cleared his exposed side of all the enemies.

After the battle ended, Chu Wanning grabbed both Jiangui and Tianwen, freaked out of his mind about the unexpected development.

“How, when!”

Mo Ran was sheepishly scratching his head.

“I won it on a raffle when I first arrived. One chance in one thousand.”

What. He was gobsmacked.

“You were SO lucky.”

“Yeah, I was. But one chance in a thousand is still… roughly ten times the chance I had of running into you here. So, you see, I’m VERY lucky.”

Chu Wanning flushed red and lowered his lashes.

Smiling, Mo Ran took his face into his palms and kissed him silly, until he couldn’t take it anymore.

#source: relena #2ha #ranwan #modern au #gaming au #au #fic #prompt fic #crossposted to ao3

[milks-writings]

Hii! I have a request to kill your boredom (I hope it does)! I'd like to have Akaashi x f!reader where the reader knows that Akaashi has feelings for her, and also does she, but she likes to make him embarrassed and blush really often by being touchy, saying flirty things, showing off herself and she will just stop when he finally confesses, please! 💕

✿.｡.:*☆.:*:*:.☆*.:｡.✿.✿.｡.:*☆.:*:*:.☆*.:｡.✿.

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘: Akaashi Keiji x Fem!Reader

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕡𝕝𝕠𝕥: Issa request

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕘𝕖𝕟𝕣𝕖: fluff

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤: swearing

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥: 1.296k

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕒/𝕟: This request is literally it thank u @strawberryzkisses ! I hope this is fine and you enjoy the writing :) Feel free to request more things! (This is so bad oasdjfyasdf)

☆*.:｡.✿ 𝕞𝕒𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕝𝕚𝕤𝕥

☆*.:｡.✿ Scenario:

It’s all fun and games until the table’s turn

Akaashi Keiji, the setter in the volleyball club at Fukurodani, the smartest guy you knew, probably also the most handsome guy you knew.

And Akaashi Keiji was also your crush.

You had been going to the same class as him, but unfortunately, you failed so hard in class, so that the teachers told you that you should get a tutor and surprise! It was your god damn crush.

Luckily for you, you didn’t get easily embarrassed, so you could focus on all your studies which laid in front of you.

And first, Akaashi also never got distracted, he straight on got to the point, explained everything you needed, but after a few study sessions, you two started to get closer.

At first, you two exchanged numbers, then you two started to meet and not to fucking study, but to have fun out of school, and now you two developed a big small crush on each other. Of course, you noticed this changes right away, the way he blushed whenever you stared into his eyes, the way he stuttered whenever you told him that he looked good at this day, and the way he looked at you.

He was very observant as well, and noticed your change too, though he never really made a big deal out of it.

And that’s how you got there, sitting in front of Akaashi while staring into his eyes and smiled. He liked you, and you liked him back. God must’ve blessed you with such a thing, so you took the opportunity and just started to tease him whenever it was possible

“Akaashi Keiji~” your voice was so quiet, you could barely even hear yourself. Yet, somehow Akaashi could hear it. So he gazed up, looking at your eyes which seemed to be making his heart race as soon as he looked up, and he once again, blushed like you guessed he would.

“Hm?” he hummed out, brushing the feeling of first and smiled a little “If I will pass this test well, will you go on a date with me?~” His lips pursed together, he was blunt, yes, but where the heck did you pick this bluntness up from? Hopefully it wasn’t from him.

“Uh…. Sure” he agreed, gulping for a moment. You could scream in excitement, but unfortunately you were in the library so you couldn’t.

It was fun to tease him, to embarrass him, to flirt with him, to see how he started to fidget with his fingers or something like that.

So you continued after a few more minutes and place the book down on the table in front of you, inching closer to him. “Will I get something else besides the date, Keiji?”

Would you? That was a good question. He seemed to think about it, but in reality, his mind shut down the second you inched closer. He could feel your breath against his lips, but he didn’t go away, no, this time he decided to be blunt with his feelings, he would finally confess.

“The library will close now” the woman stared down at the two students, seeming to be not really annoyed by their presence, but by the fact that they had been probably up to something stupid.

With a nod, you got up and winked at him, your crush “I will see you tomorrow, huh?” He nodded, he could only nod, and he blushed “y-yeah, see you” he waved a little and smiled slightly to himself, feeling like a lovestruck idiot. Even after you left, he sat there on the chair while staring into the air, trying to progress what happened.

No matter how smart he had been, you still managed to make his brain stop working.

And the following days, hadn’t been better. 

You two went on the date you wanted to go on, since you passed the test pretty well, which made him almost relieved. But then again, now you had to go with him on a date, and this made him nervous again.

He could still remember how you hugged him out of nowhere and started to play with his hair a little while doing so.

He could still remember how you embarrassed him in front of the whole volleyball club with flirting with him.

He could still remember how you got suddenly so blunt.

And now he would as well.

It took him longer than usual to observe you and to figure out what had been up with you because every time he looked at you, everything seemed to stop. But finally, after almost a whole while, he figured it out as well; you liked him back.

Now, it was time to turn the tables, it was time to make you embarrassed in front of everyone, to flirt with you, and to confess to you.

It was kind of like a war, who could make the other more flustered?

“F/N, could we talk privately?”

Akaashi stood behind you, and you turned around from your friends, only to meet his gaze. “Of course Keiji!” you agreed, smiling before adding in a flirty manner “I have always time for you, handsome”

He wanted to reply something, but your flirt made him again embarrassed which caused you to giggle.

“I really like you, f/n” He didn’t even wait for you to get to a private spot, he just straight up confessed and wore a small smile on his lips.

“Eh?” You knew he liked you, god damn it, you knew it for almost a whole month, yet you were still surprised by his words. Now, it was your time to blush, and now it was his turn to chuckle at your reaction.

“You heard me right, I really like you f/n, and according to whatever you had planned to make me embarrassed, you seem to like me too” he repeated himself, before bending a little down, to get onto the same level as you had been. And you blushed again “Huh?”

Nothing more could come out. Oh, how the tables have turned. “I mean, uh, I like you too” finally, you could speak, but that only could happen after you avoided his gaze after you stopped looking at him after you stopped thinking about him.

“May I kiss you?” He was straightforward like you knew him. And now, you only nodded.

The next second you could remember, his lips meet yours. It was a really soft kiss, and his hands slowly cupped your face. Though the kiss broke after a few seconds “look at how the tables have turned, you are all red” he joked with a small smile cracking on his lips, making you frown.

“Just kidding” he laughed and pulled you into a small hug, placing his chin on your head.

Even though after you teased him for so long, he had been so sweet to you now.

“You know, I am glad that you almost failed,” he admitted, making you laugh a little. And he joined you right after. “I mean, not like that. I am glad that we met,” he corrected himself, pulling you even closer if it was possible “is it okay if we stay like this for a moment?” he asked you, “yeah sure” and he gladly did so.

From this day on, you stopped being flirty, you actually got all sweet with him. Every time someone would ask how you two got close, he would just tell them all of your cheesy pickup lines, all of the words you said, and all of the things you did. He memorized those small acts so good, it almost concerned you.

#haikyuu!! #haikyuu!! x reader #haikyuu!! x you #haikyuu!! x y/n #haikyuu!! scenarios #haikyuu!! imagines #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x you #haikyu!! x reader #haikyu!! scenarios #hq!! x reader #hq!! imagines #hq!! scenarios #hq!! x you #hq x reader #hq x you #hq scenarios #akaashi keiji x reader #akaashi keiji scenarios #akaashi x reader #keiji x reader

[juniperpublishersoceanography]

Precision Aquaculture: IPAT- Juniper Publishers

Introduction

The Definitive Principles of aquaculture cannot be written in indelible ink. This science is a part of a continuously improvement program. Way back in 1960’s it was recommended to feed the carps with rice bran and oil cake, because they were available in cheap. After the realization that these organic feeds are poorly utilized by fish and the fact that nowadays these raw materials for many other beneficial and much more economical activities and with increased demand, the cost of these raw materials has increased significantly. As advised in classic aquaculture, if it is mixed in 1:1 ratio and fed to fish, the cost of production will be Rs. 99/kg. But now in many parts of the country, the farm gate value of carps (Rs. 80/kg) does not rise above the cost of production. Till recently, carp seed rearing and farming at any scale was highly profitable because of the low cost for the inputs. But this is no longer true, as the cost of basic traditional inputs like cow dung, poultry manure, ground nut cake, rice bran and fixed costs of land; total input costs have increased many fold, while the farm gate value of the fish seed and market size fish remained almost constant. Though aquaculture production models are highly dynamic, unless we assess the economics and understand the scale of economy of any given activity, systems may not be economically or environmentally sustainable. In early sixties, most of the aquaculture production systems were extensive- that is using a low input extensive approach to production. Rice bran, ground nut cake (GNC) and cow dung was available then at cheaper cost. The cost of GNC in 1983 was Rs. 3.80 and it is Rs. 40/kg in 2014. The cost of rice bran was Rs. 1.60 and it is Rs. 18-20/kg currently (Figure 1).

USSEC Sponsored IPAT Program in India

US Soy Bean Export Council invited different stakeholders related to aquaculture and organized two programs in India. One at Vishakapattanam on 17.05.2016 and another at Kolkata on 20.05.2016. Mr Umakanth and Dr Yadunandan, and the USSEC team were instrumental in bringing different stakeholders on one platform to discuss a new aquaculture technology. Mr George Fullerton, Auburn University, USA delivered a special talk describing Intensive Pond Aquaculture Technology or IPAT. It was simplified and technically narrated by Dr Vijay Anand, Director, Asia Sub Continent, for USSEC. The institutes like National Fisheries Development Board, Hyderabad, Central Marine Fisheries Research Institute, Cochin, Central Institute of Brackishwater Aquaculture, Chennai, College of Fisheries, Mangaluru, Aquafeed producers, progressive farmers, shrimp hatchery owners and others related to field of aquaculture were present. The concept was well received by the stakeholders.

Visit to China

In continuation with the above described program in India, the selected group of stakeholders was taken to China to visit farms which demonstrate show the successful IPAT models. See and learn is better than hear and learn. The team of 60 delegates from countries like India, Vietnam, Egypt, China and USA were there as participants. Dr Jesse A. Chappell, Extension Specialist, Auburn University, Ms Deena Hansel, Aquaculture Program Manager, USSEC, Xiaoping Zhang, China Country Director, Mr Joe Zhou Enhua, Technical Manager-freshwater Aquaculture, USSEC, China, Dr Lee, USSEC, China, Mr. Jim Zhang, Program Manager- Aquaculture, USSEC, China, were moderating and technically facilitated the Program.

Delegates were taken to a Government of Farm which is 70km away from Shanghai City. Dr Chappell explained the concepts and immediately delegates were taken to the IPAT farm just few meters away from their office. Then everybody was able to actually see and learn from a real-world operating IPA system I had many doubts when I was listening to IPAT lecture at Vizag, India. Had I asked those questions, it would have been rude on my part for asking such questions. Thank god, I got a chance to see what they were telling in their lectures.

What is this IPAT?

Integrated Pond Aquaculture Technology (IPAT) developed by Auburn University and USSEC is trying to popularize this technology globally. It is just developing raceway structures within the pond system and creating river-flow within the system using only air! Remember those who are getting good fish or shrimp production with Mekong River using its robust natural flow. In an earthen pond say about 1ha, the production raceway or cells having 6-9 inch thick walls and measuring 25m X 5m X 1.5m. The total area of the cells will not cross 0.01.5% of the total area of the earthen pond. This means a 150m2 cell area is enough for 1ha pond. Using air blowers at the inlet end, water is airlifted and taken through the raceway and subsequently to the pond. The last addition 3m length of the cell is a solids or sludge collection point. Sludge is collected using simple pumps which move along the width of the cell. In 150 days, the grass carp production ranges from 140-160kg/m3. In China, they were culturing grass carp, channel catfish, big head carp, etc. They were fed to satiation with soy based floating feeds using automatic feeders. The production cells are positioned at one corner of the ponds. The water gushes out from the cells is guided by a baffle till the opposite corner later by using aerators, water is guided and makes a circular motion and ultimately again reaches the inlet of the cells. The technology is based upon continually flowing water pushed around the pond by air-lifts (Figure 2).

Is it Really Version 8.0?

Indian aquaculture started with stocking wild seeds (version1.0) later moved to stocking hatchery bred seed (Version2.0) along with a manuring schedule (Version 3.0) which wasnatural food based. Slowly, farmers started feeding rice bran and ground nut cake (Version 4.0). With continued advancement in aquaculture technology growers began using aerators (Version5.0) and use of sinking feed pellets (version 6.0). Floating feeds are now added to Indian aquaculture (version 7.0) and now IPAT as Version 8.0 (Figure 3).

Advantage IPAT

I. Entire crop is visible all the time

II. Uniform growth

III. Easy harvest

IV. Disease management is easy and inexpensive

V. More production efficiency and output

VI. Sustainable-financially and environmentally

VII. Reduced organic load on the system

VIII. less labour per unit harvested

Challenges of IPAT

a. Electric Power is essential for 24h; stand-by generator required

b. System Initial investment is little high

c. Round the clock monitoring may be required

Of course, there are solutions for these above said challenges; but at a cost. By looking at the economics, it is worth investing on the essentials that this system demands. Wherever, there are already ponds, they can immediately adopt and switch to IPAT Before switching to this new concept, one must make sure that they can meet the demands of IPAT. The other issues like market demand, species selection, cold chain and such other related issues also have to be taken into consideration before venturing into commercial unit.

Why it is Precision Aquaculture?

It is precision, because one can precisely know and monitor the growth rate, mortality, feed requirement, feeding, water quality, production, productivity, BC Ratio. Depending on the market demand, precise partial harvest is also possible. Using advanced technologies, water quality monitoring probes can be deployed in the cells and whenever the intended parameter varies beyond the specified range, the gadgets give signals to make changes. This can be linked to television at home/office or cell phones and take appropriate decisions to protect and contain the crop (Figure 4).

Other advantages of IPAT

Pangasius farming is going on in India in about 40000ha. But farmers are facing problem in marketing because of the yellowish color of the meat. In still water aquaculture, discoloration of meat is a usual phenomenon because of the stress related ammonia load in the system. If the pangasius grown in IPAT system, pangasius meat will have the whitish color that industry prefers. IPAT offers scope for:

1. Seed rearing

2. Stunted fingerling production

3. Live fish marketing

4. Aqua tourism

Disclaimer

This article is a document of personal field experience of the author. Karnataka Veterinary, Animal and Fisheries University, Bidar or any other institutions in India and abroad are not responsible for the content, data or opinions in this article. Farmers and entrepreneurs need to take an author's and other experts' opinion before implementing it in the field.

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[darknessisafriend]

Request for Abbé x Reader: The reader got hired on as a chambermaid to help tend around the asylum. She and Abbé click upon first meeting, but as a clergyman he must deal with his emotions, especially as they grow closer everyday (and it does not go unnoticed). One day she gets attacked from one of the patients and he comes to her rescue. As he is tending to her in private and making sure she's alright, they finally confess feelings and cute fluff and kisses ensue 💞😊 Please and thank you!

ENJOY

Lord forgive me for I am about to sin

You had arrived a few months ago at the Charenton asylum, you had the opportunity for work which was paid better in the city but the terror and violence that reigned there made you want to go away. And you were a very altruistic person, you liked to help people and even if you weren’t an important person in this world, you wanted to make a difference and help to make this world a better place.  

So, naturally, when you heard about this job at the asylum it was perfect, care and talk with the patients and make their life a bit more bearable, and maybe even help in their recovery was a great opportunity. You weren’t one to judge people by their appearance, you always tried to see the best in other humans. And you had heard that the person in charge of the asylum, Abbé de Coulmier was an innovative man, preferring such things as arts to cure patients rather than barbaric treatments.  

However, you weren’t expecting to fall in love with this man. The second you met him something happened, as if you were suddenly attracted to him like a magnet, you seek his contact, his voice and even wished for his touch.

You had blushed, trying to suppress those feelings; you had just met him, what was happening to you? He extended his hand for you to shake, your heartbeat increasing, you shakily reached and the moment your skin met his, it felt as if it burned you but not in an unpleasant way. And it seemed Abbé felt something too, he briefly froze, his mouth agape and his eyes looking at your joined hands.

“Y/N I am happy you are joining us in Charenton, your help will be greatly appreciated.”  he smiled after a bit, pretending that nothing had happened.  

“And I’m glad to help!” you had replied, your voice had raised a bit higher at the end as you tried to hide your emotions too, you walked behind him, looking at the back of his head, he had great hair, you wondered how it would feel to bury your fingers in them.

Afterwards, he took you on a tour around the asylum, the kitchen, the personnel's rooms, the sick room, then he brought you to the patients' area and introduced you to the patients.

“Dauphin, this Y/N she will be working here now, she will take care of sheets and food along with the other people working here.” he explained to the man who nodded to you and welcomed you here, you softly smiled at him, he looked really nice.

“Dauphin arrived a few months ago, he has a tendency to set things on fire, it is an obsession but we have been making great progress with him.” explained the Abbé proudly with a big smile as he patted the back of his patient. As he presented you to the other patients your smile grew, most of them looked really nice and the Abbé was such a caring man, you could feel yourself fall even more for him.  

“Of course, there are patients here that you should be careful about, we don’t have much of them in Charenton, they are usually sent to other institutions but I would advise you not to walk in the corridors at night, and avoided patients like Bouchon for example, he has...a tendency to want to do things to women...without their consent, if you understand what I mean...” you nodded understandingly, shivers running across your body as the Abbé pointed his finger at the man called Bouchon, he was massive, you didn’t want to be stuck with him.  

Then he guided you to your quarters once again to make sure you would remember where it was, sometimes placing his hand on the small of your back to guide you.

“You must be exhausted; you don’t have to start working tonight but tomorrow would be great!” he beamed as he opened the door for you.

“Thank you, Father.” you answered avoiding his gaze, putting a strand of hair behind your hair shyly. He was such a nice and attentive man, it shouldn’t surprise you, after all, to be a clergyman taking care of mentally hill people, he had to be a loving being.  

As time passed, you grew closer to each other, even though you tried to suppress the feelings you had developed for him, he was a clergyman, devoted to God and God only, you felt guilty for how you felt and for how conflicted you made him feel. You weren’t blind, how many times you had seen him reaching out to touch you and then stopping himself a few inches from your skin, remembering he shouldn’t be feeling like this.  

“So, did he succumb to your charms?” had asked you the Marquis with an interested look one day, you turned your head as you blushed, and pretended to read the titles of the books he owned in his book shelf.

“What do you mean?” you asked innocently, he chuckled.

“Even the most unfortunate beings of this asylum have noticed it, your infatuation with him...but the most interesting is the Abbé, he’s trying so hard to restrain his desire for you, I almost pity him...to the point I tempted him several times so he would give in to satisfy his needs...” you quickly turned your head to him, so you didn’t imagine the affection he had for you, you giggled happily you wanted to thank the Marquis but his explicit way of speaking wasn’t the best technique for the clergyman, anyway you appreciated his help.

Later, the Abbé had offered to teach you how to read and write, you were curious and it was his way of thank you for your hard work, at least that’s what he told himself but deep down he knew it was because he wanted to spend time with you, alone...

“I’d love to! It’s something I’ve always wanted to learn, there are so many stories I’ve heard about that I wish I could read...” you answered excitedly.  

“Oh really? Which one?” he gently cut you off, genuinely curious, he sat down, smoothing the fabric of his soutane as he did so.

“Oh well, I guess I have always been interested in those philosophical books of Voltaire, it is fascinating to see how a text, words can inspire the upbringing of people.”  

“There is a certain beauty in them, although their position about the Church was quite negative.” he replied with a polite smile.

“Was it all against the Church? Did you read them?” you asked him curious, surely a man like him had read one or two of those.

“I did, I had to hide from the monks in my former Monastery. You probably know by now that I am deemed quite different, well, open-minded contrary to most clergymen.” he laughed stroking his chin. “The authors were against the power and the status of the Chruch in our country but they praised our moral and social values, which I believe should be what the people remember about our Church” he added thoughtfully.

“Of course, you know...I’ve always had a difficult relation with our religion, so many rules and prohibitions but when I needed it the most, it always brought me comfort...” you confessed, looking at your hands, you felt you could share everything with him, even if you were a bit embarrassed.  

“God will always welcome you; you are not the first who doubted him, he is forgiving and knows how pure and good you are here.” he replied with benevolence, he smiled affectionately at you, before opening the bible to teach you your first letters.

The both of you got used to your daily reading lessons and bonded fast, you knew each other pretty well by now and looked forward to those moments, the way he leaned over your shoulder, his chin brushing against you, his warm breath tickling your skin, and his hand resting on yours sending shivers down your spine, although it never went farther...

You also invited him to eat dinner with you sometimes. You enjoyed cooking in general but you always put extra care in preparing food for him. You loved the way it made him smile, the sound he made when he tasted your dishes. He always insisted on helping you with washing the dishes afterwards, out of politeness you didn’t want him to help you, but deep down you enjoyed it, every occasion to spend time with him was good, and you always ended up brushing hands, giggling for nothing and giving each other tender smiles, you whished he wasn’t a clergyman, things could have been so much easier, now the both of you dedicated a lot of your energy to resist the feelings you had for each other.

And destiny seemed to pushed you together, for example, sometimes you had night terrors,  you had no one to go to but him, still you always resisted to go to his room, remembering his warning, you would stay curved into a ball in your bed, crying.  You thought he wouldn’t see it the morning after, but he did. At first, he was worried, he thought someone had hurt you, he always offered to listen to you; then he would smile tenderly and offer you to sleep in his office, so no one would disturb you and you would be safe. And when he came back to check, gently he would unlock the door, realizing you were still sleeping, he would secretly watch you, until he couldn’t resist but brush his fingers against your cheek; you knew this because you had caught him once, his soft touch had woken you up. However, he felt ashamed to have succumbed to this impulsion.

“I’m sorry...I... I have patients to tend to.” he had excused himself, avoiding your gaze and leaving before you could say anything.

After this, your relationship with the Abbé had cooled down, he was avoiding any moment with you alone, he looked tired, if he was going through the same thing as you, then you understood, it hurt to be so distant with him, you spent your nights tormented, thinking about a way to make things better, until you couldn’t resist anymore...

Bouchon was the worst patient you could have encountered alone in dark corridor at night, damnit you couldn’t resist the need to see the Abbé, you couldn’t sleep that night, you had to tell him how you felt maybe he would reciprocate.  

“Bouchon, remember what Abbé told you, you have to behave well...” you shuddered trying to prevent yourself from shaking, showing that you were scared of him would only make things worse...

He continued to walk towards you, his eyes full of desire, mad and terrifying desire, you had to take few steps back, until he catches your arm yanking you back to him, you struggled, trying to break free, until he hit you hard with the back of his hand, your vision briefly went black at the shock, you felt blood pouring your mouth as you fell to the ground. Bouchon laughed, bending down and grabbing your hair, you couldn’t struggle against him, he was too strong, you gather all the strength you possessed and screamed at the top of your lungs for help, for him, the Abbé, you prayed he could hear you from afar. You squinted your eyes shut as Bouchon’s face came closer to yours.

“Bouchon! Guards!” you finally heard the Abbé ‘s voice scream louder than you could ever had,  he ran to you alarmed at the state of the patient and the harm he might have done to you, the guards rushed to the patient to, catching Bouchon by the arms and neck making him let go of you, you collapsed on the cold floor once again, breathing hard, shaking with terror.

Suddenly you felt arms wrap around your body, you startled and whimpered in fear.

“Shhhhh it’s me Y/N, it’s me...you will be alright, he can’t harm you anymore.” he murmured in your ear soothingly, his hands gently caressing your shoulders, you buried your head in the crook on his neck, wanting to be completely shielded, protected by him.

“We have to get you to the infirmary...” the Abbé said when your breathing started to calm down after a few minutes. However, you were still terrified, nobody could protect you like he does; so, you grabbed his shirt not wanting to let go of him.

“No! Please Abbé! Don't leave me! I don’t want...” you started to plead frantically, your voice trembling and tears threatening to come out.  

“Alright, we won’t go to the infirmary...” he replied softly, softly kissing your temple “at least allow me to check-up on you.” he proposed, he wanted to make sure you were alright, that Bouchon didn’t damage your beautiful face and body. You nodded against his neck; keeping his arms around your body he got up, bringing you to his room, on the way you rested your head on him and had passed an arm around his waist, making sure he wouldn’t go away.  

Once you arrived in his room, he sat you on his bed, then went to close and lock his door. He gathered a bowl of water; a clean piece of clothing to clean any wounds you could have. You watched him do so, feeling cold as his warm body had left yours. He took a chair and placed it in front of you; he sat spreading his legs apart so he could be closer to you, and check-up properly.  His hand came up to gently cup your face, you didn’t meet his eyes waiting for him to scold you. But he didn’t, instead you heard him sight at the view of your open lip, bleeding, he damped the clothe to clean the blood away.

“Y/N I’m sorry I wasn’t fast enough to stop him from hurting you.” he apologized, gently cleaning your lip while the other hand was buried in your hair to hold your head still.  

“Don’t blame yourself Abbé, it could have been much worse if you didn’t save me...” you insinuated, a small smile forming on your lips briefly, it was so much like him to put the fault on himself instead of the others.  

He didn’t reply, the both of you staying silent for a while as he checked for other wounds on your arms or neck, you didn’t seem to have other injuries apart from a big terror in your mind. He put aside the bowl of water and the clothe. He noticed you were shivering so he reached behind you to put his cover around you, he wrapped you in the woolen cover, his scent filling your lungs, you noticed just now he had been wearing his shirt open, he had hugged you against his bare skin, and you hadn't noticed before you had been granted such pleasure. The Abbé gently took your hands in his, stroking your skin with his thumb, you looked at your joined hands, you wished the circumstances would have been better, how sad it was to have him look after you, touch you after such extreme event, you wished he did so every day, for no apparent reason but affection for you...

“Why were you outside of your room at this late hour?” he finally asked looking at you in the eyes, it was hard for you to keep eye contact with him, he looked hurt as if he had been wounded in the process of finding you out of your room. You swallowed down; you were about to tell him everything you had wanted to say for the past months and you feared his reaction, you took a deep breath.  

“I wanted to see you...Abbé I... I’ve been having feelings for you and I tried to repress them but...I can’t, that’s why I had decided to confess it to you tonight...” You lowered your eyes, ashamed of your foolish actions that had costed you dearly. His thumb stopped stroking your hand.

“Oh Y/N... there are some feelings that one cannot express...” he whispered weakly, it hurt him to say this to you.

“But why? I don’t understand, what is so impure about Love?” you pleaded, swallowing down as tears started to run down your face.

“Y/N love is a beautiful feeling; it makes the world a better place but...I must dedicate my whole being to God...” he replied, his voice barely coming out at a murmur as he briefly bent down to kiss your hand tenderly.

“I wouldn’t drive you away from God, I’d never want that, I only ask you to let me make you happy, make you smile and laugh, if you would grant me in return a tiny bit of the love you have for God, then I would be the happiest woman on this Earth.” you proclaimed as you took back your hands to seize his head between your hands, you wanted to kiss him to show him how much he meant to you. His eyes were wet, his eyebrows slightly furrowed, it was clear he was having an internal conflict, he didn’t know what to do or what to say.

“You’re going to hate me now and fire me, right?” you then asked as he didn’t speak, tears rolling down on your cheeks, this seemed to put him out of his thoughts, he seized your shoulders.

“No, no I don’t hate you Y/N...” he blurted afraid he might have hurt your feelings “...I love you...” he breathed, looking at you in the eyes, your heart was beating fast, you couldn’t believe what he had just said, you searched his eyes for hesitation. His hands went to your face, caressing your cheek.

“Y/N I’ve loved you the moment I laid eyes you and since I have been blessed by your presence, your smile...” you cut him off by crashing your lips on his, he moaned at the contact, your heart fluttered as he accepted your gesture, grabbing your hair to keep you close to him, how good it felt to have his lips against yours, but it wasn’t enough, you felt the need to taste him; you remembered what the Marquis had taught you about kissing, so your tongue went to tease his lips, asking for his permission, he let out a high-pitched moan at the contact, and opened his mouth in response, when  your tongue met his, it was as if you had melted, it was soft and careful like he was afraid to hurt you.

You parted too soon for your taste, but the both of you needed to breath, he rested his forehead against yours, he nuzzled his nose against your nose, he had his eyes closed.  

“My angel...” he breathed, a lovely smile forming on his lips, you softly laughed happy you had finally confessed to each other and intended on loving each other as long as you lived. He reopened his eyes, to look at you with adoration.

“Lord, forgive for I am about to sin but it is one I am willing to commit...” he said out loud as he gently laid you on his bed, coming on top of you, ‘what a beautiful sin’ he thought, your hand buried in his hair, massaging his scalp tenderly; he leaned in and kissed your lips once again, he will adore and worship your whole being just like he does for God and it will be the purest love he ever felt.

Tag list: @lyoongx @skaravile @weirdflecksbutok @niniita-ah

#Joaquin Phoenix #quills #abbe de coulmier #abbe x reader #abbe x you #abbe de coulmier x you #abbe de coulmier imagine #abbe de coulmier x reader

[hedwigstalons]

Joining The Dots

Alan got annoyed that his contribution to Tracy Prize was limited to a few smart ass comments and some eye rolls.  The kid decided to get all dramatic as revenge.

 xoxoxox

 Alan stared at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. The angry red spot on his jaw line stared back at him.  Sometimes being a teenager sucked.  He debated whether to just ride it out but he wasn’t in the mood for the inevitable teasing from Gordon.  

 He felt tired and irritable.  Perhaps he ought to cut back on the late night gaming.  His skin was paler than usual and the dark circles under his eyes only served to accentuate the pimple.  Grabbing the small tube of concealer from the back of his cabinet Alan made a passable job of covering up the welt.  

He ventured into the kitchen but nothing tempted him. The distracted opening and closing of cupboard doors drew the attention of Scott who was working his way through his own post-run breakfast.

 “You ok there Allie?”

 “Yeah, just not really hungry.”

 Now Scott was worried.  The calorific intake of the International Rescue operatives was phenomenal. Alan normally had the double hit of typical teenage appetite added to the hunger born of having a physically demanding job.  If he wasn’t hungry something was probably wrong.  

 Scott passed a closer eye over his youngest sibling. He noted the pale complexion and drooping eyelids.

 “Are you sure you’re ok?”

 “I’m fine.  Just a bit of a headache, that’s all.  I’ll grab a couple of tablets from the infirmary and maybe head back to bed for a while.”

 “No.  You go straight back to your room now and I’ll fetch the tablets.  You look dead on your feet.”

 Anal nodded gratefully, wincing slightly at the motion. The bright sunshine through the panoramic windows was suddenly feeling just that little bit too bright.  He scratched distractedly at an itch on the back of his neck and felt another lump.  He must be run down if he was getting a full on acne breakout.  Alan trudged back to his room and collapsed onto the bed.

 When Scott entered the dimly lit sanctuary a short while later his smothering instincts went into overload.  For a start the teenager was on the bed rather than the floor and this alone was enough to rouse suspicions that it was more than just a simple headache troubling him.  

 Alan seized upon the offered water and painkillers and gulped them down rapidly.  A steady hand was placed against his forehead, checking his temperature.

 “Well bed is definitely the right place for you” his eldest brother said kindly.  “Come on, get those clothes off and get into bed properly.”

 Alan grimaced but the look on Scott’s face showed he wasn’t going to leave until Alan had complied.  He pulled his shirt off over his head and dumped it over the side of the bed onto the floor.  The moving material felt rough and itchy against him and he scratched at his arms and chest.

 “Whoa, Allie.  That’s not good.”  The alarm and concern in Scott’s voice was clear to hear.

 Alan looked down at himself.  The exposed skin was marred by angry dots.  The start of an unidentified rash was spreading across his body.

 “Infirmary.  Now. We need to get you into quarantine.”

 Pausing only long enough for some pyjamas to be gathered up Alan found himself marched to the infirmary.  His body now ached and the itch was spreading.  It was a relief to finally slip between the cool white sheets and sink back to sleep it the darkened room.

 xoxoxox

 Scott was worried.  Worried for both his family and the organisation that they kept running on minimal manpower.  Alan was going to be off duty for an unknown amount of time and they had no idea what was ailing the teen.

 He looked through the observation window into the infirmary. Alan looked even younger than normal. The washed out skin would be barely distinguishable from the white linen if it wasn’t for the bright red spots. Spots that had rapidly multiplied until every inch of him was covered in the mystery rash.

 Full quarantine had been implemented.  Alan was sealed off with any visitors forced to wear bio-hazard suits.  It felt like an extreme reaction but they couldn’t risk an infection spreading, especially since they didn’t know what they were dealing with.  

 Even Scott was isolated and under observation in case he had already contracted the disease.  He paced about the room like a caged tiger.  He felt fine but until they had answers it wasn’t worth the risk.  He might be confined to quarters but that didn’t stop the Commander from taking charge of the situation.

 He opened a link to Thunderbird Five.  “John, I want you and Eos to analyse Alan’s mission logs. Go through every instance he has left the island in the last four weeks.  Cross reference this with any local medical board reports on disease outbreaks.  Let’s see if we can’t work out what he has been exposed to.”

 His next contact was to Brains.  The scientist and medic had already drawn blood samples from his patient and was working hard to identify the cause of Alan’s illness.

 “Any progress Brains?”

 “N-n-negative, Scott.  I b-b-believe the cause is viral but I am finding it d-d-difficult to identify the specific strain.  Once John has c-c-compiled a list of options I c-c-can narrow down the testing.”

 “I understand.  Just keep trying.”

 xoxoxox

 Brains was at a loss.  Normally the Tracys were a robust and healthy bunch.  Medical intervention tended to fall into the ‘patch it and stitch it’ category with maybe the occasional concussion thrown in for variety.  Actual illness on the island was a rarity.

 A blood sample drawn from Alan had confirmed Brains’ suspicions that Alan was harbouring a virus.  The virus was currently developing in a cell culture in the laboratory.  Once this had been completed he would be able to sequence the virus genome and identify the culprit.  These stages took time though.  As many of the process involved were automatic he settled down with Alan’s medical file to see if that would yield any answers.

 Alan’s file was impressively thick despite his youthfulness.  Every ailment and injury was detailed.  The results of every annual medical were contained in thorough reports.  Each vaccination and booster received was listed; a list that was more comprehensive than for the average individual due to the need to be able to undertake missions in every geographic regions. Many illnesses had been eradicated through global health programmes but there was still a need vaccinations. Alan hated injection days.

 Brains delved back further into the childhood records, tacked on as an appendix to the main report.

 Brains scoured the list, blinked, and checked it again.  

 There was one glaring omission from the vaccine list. One that he had never even thought to administer because it was normally dealt with in toddlerhood, long before he had taken over the youth’s medical care.  The varicella vaccine.

 It wasn’t conclusive proof of what Alan was suffering from but it gave him a starting point for his investigations and it could yield answers faster than trying to conduct a genome sequencing from scratch.

 He checked in with John to see if there was any chance his hunch could be correct.  A quick test of the sample now he knew what he was looking for, confirmed his suspicions.

 xoxoxox

 Scott was restless and agitated.  His baby brother was sick and he was powerless to help. He couldn’t even sweat out his agitation in the gym until Brains had cleared him as free from the illness that had struck down Alan.

 He leapt to his feet when the door to the isolation room opened.

 Scott relaxed slightly when Brains appeared. The lack of bio-hazard suit showed that the medic had good news for him.

 “You are c-c-clear to leave, Scott.  You aren’t contagious”

 “Does this mean you have worked out what it is that Allie has?”

 He looked through the observation at his brother who was scratching at the spots even in his sleep.

 “Yes.  Alan has chicken p-p-pox.”

 “Chicken pox?  How on earth has he managed to pick that up.  We were all vaccinated against that as kids.”

 “John suspects the source of the infection was that luddite c-c-community Alan went to help last w-w-week.”

 “That doesn’t explain why Alan caught it though.”

 “Alan was never v-v-vaccinated.  His early records show the appointment w-w-was made but Alan never went and it was n-n-never followed up.”

 “But Dad was always so thorough about these things.”

 “It wasn’t your father that m-m-made the appointment. Your m-m-mother did.  Alan should have had his shots the w-w-week after your skiing holiday.  Under the circumstances…”

 Brains tailed off.  Scott didn’t need any help remembering that time period in their lives. It was obvious which holiday Brains was alluding to.  That holiday had changed their lives forever.  The moment when their mother had been cruelly snatched away by the avalanche.  It was small wonder that the routine appointment had been missed.  The family had bigger concerns at the time than a two year olds injections.  Their father probably hadn’t even been aware of the appointment.

 “So what does this mean now?”

 “The g-g-good news is that everyone else on the island has immunity.  The b-b-bad news is that chicken p-p-pox can be worse the older you c-c-contract it. Alan will be very unwell for about t-t-two weeks and will then need recovery t-t-time.”

 Scott looked through the glass to the limp form in the next room.  He cursed himself that something so simple had been overlooked and now Alan was paying the price.  At least he was now cleared to care for his baby brother.

 Scott hurried through to the main part of the infirmary to do what he did best; looking after his family.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds fanfiction #scott tracy #alan tracy

[hazzabeeforlou]

On the eve of HS2, I felt I needed to reflect and write a diary entry of sorts, an ode to where I was and where I am now, a musing on how HS1 ushered in a whole new world for me. This is long and more personal than anything I’ve previously shared, but in honor of vulnerability and maybe helping someone else who’s struggling... here it is. 

The most exposure 2015 me had to pop music was occasionally listening to ‘hits’ radio. My old art teacher in high school had blasted the classics of the 60s and 70s daily, so I knew those, albeit not the names, but the music, the style, the melodic tropes and such. 2015 me didn’t have much time for pop music. I was getting a fancy degree in classical music from one of the best conservatories in the world, and I’d made it there after four years with a highly abusive teacher in undergrad who gave me horrible anxiety; by the end, whenever she would walk into a room, I would get chills and start shaking. She delighted in lying to me, in calling me out in front of my peers. Worse, I was arguably her highest-achieving student. The day I got into Juilliard she took me for “tea” to celebrate, where she proceeded to spend the whole time telling me how she had made this happen, how her connections got me to NY, how I should be grateful. 

Entering the world of NYC and Juilliard I was an awestruck, anxious mess. Everything moved too fast, the school was overwhelming, my studio mates were famous already, some of them having won world-famous competitions and been on the cover of magazines. I was in the elite place, a place my working class roots had never prepared me for. My dad was a millwright. He went to work every day in steel-toed boots and overalls and often returned so filthy mom wouldn’t let him wash his clothes in the household washing machine. But I was nothing if not adaptable, and grateful, and charming, and I did my best. I worked hard. But my health kept deteriorating. 

All through undergrad I’d been feeling progressively worse. I had horrible acne that I presumed was caused by stress, as I’d never suffered with it in high school. I was already an introvert, but body insecurity led me to hardly ever socialize. I would spent hours getting ready for things, never willing to show my bare face. But that wasn’t the worst; I’d developed what I now understand was an eating disorder, because no matter how much I exercised or dieted, I kept gaining weight, or rather, I lost all my baby fat but remained the same scale number. I kept telling my mother I was fat. I didn’t tell her that I hated the wind, that I hated running, because it made my stomach protrude and the whole world could see the extra pounds I carried. I never made an appointment with an OBGYN because I didn’t date much less have sex, and my mother had told me, well you don’t ever need to be seen until you do. I came to NYC well versed in wearing baggy sweaters and scarfs that hid my form. And for two years, as my breathing got worse and worse, as my energy levels dropped, as my skin hurt and itched, I pushed forwards. I remember practicing one day and my eyes going black. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe. 

It was getting into an international competition that saved me. I got the news in early May of 2016; I jumped around my room and I started coughing, and the next day a hernia appeared above my belly button. I was only slightly worried, but I went to see the Juilliard doctor. She asked if I’d gained weight, she said even a couple pounds could do it. I was, as always, ashamed, red faced, embarrassed as she prodded around on my torso. 

She said I’d need surgery. So I scheduled it in NYC for two days after my graduation. I played my recital, but with a binder around my abdomen. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t remember my memorized music. I nearly passed out. I stumbled on the sidewalk afterwards. 

When I woke from the surgery I was in blinding pain, teeth chattering uncontrollably, in shock. I couldn't open my eyes, and every breath felt like knives slicing into my chest. I heard the nurses say, “We’ve given you three IVs of Percocet, do you want us to give you a forth?” I said no, thinking, ‘what if I die from an overdose?’ After two hours my mother came in search of me. It was supposed to be a day surgery. She demanded morphine. They sent me home on it, but two days later I’d thrown up twice and was back in the ER. A CT showed I had an ovarian cyst. The doctor said to me, “It’s 28 inches. It’s the size of a dinner plate.” I didn’t understand. They rushed me back for another surgery, and asked me to sign a paper saying I wouldn’t hold them responsible if I ended up paralyzed. I signed it. I joked with the nurses before they put me under. I was shaking with pain. I thought, if this is the end, I’ve had a good life. I’ll be with my doggy, my baby puppy. I’ve graduated from my dream school. I’ve gotten into an elite international competition. I’ll go out at the top of my game. It’s okay. 

But then I woke up. Over the next year, I would wish countless times that I hadn’t. I could barely walk. I couldn’t lift things like a fork, or my computer. I couldn’t shower or cough or even shit. I couldn’t practice or sit upright for more than fifteen minutes. Pain became a constant. I started to wake up with night sweats, my forehead creased in subconscious pain. I would jump at every loud noise, my heart lurching like a ruined engine, and I couldn’t remember names of flowers. I fell into a massive depression over the next few months, made worse by the 2016 election; because of my infirmity I had moved back home with my Trump-voting parents. The bravest thing I did that fall was ‘come out’ as a liberal on Facebook. My parents pretended not to notice when I stayed up late that cold November night, huddled with a blanket on the couch, crying my eyes out.

The Christmas 2016 season is a blur. I know I half lived in memories, half in grief, but all in self-pitying misery. I remember reading a passing article about Jay, not knowing who it was, and I remember adding a lost mother to the list of things I cried about. How could the world be so cruel, so unfair? My days were filled with PT and sleep, immobility and exhaustion, and questions, questions like if I can’t do what I love, what I’ve spent years training for, what’s the point? What does it mean to be an artist when you can’t do your art? What is left of me that matters? Is the future only more pain? It would have been better to have died. It would have been better to have died. 

Up until this point I had been unlucky in love. I could never find men attractive, though many friends pressured me to try, which of course had led to not good things. I’d been confronted a couple times about maybe being gay, but I’d shot this down immediately, my face bright red, my heart pounding. No, that’s not it, I’m just picky. Two girls in grad school had flirted with me; I’d accidentally gone on a date with one. I’d felt deeply, gut-wrenchingly uncomfortable about her. But how could I ever unpack all of that when just coming out as a liberal had given me anxiety for days...  

The new year came and I had nothing to look forward to. I could see no happy future. I wasn’t really in my right mind. I would escape as best I could, perhaps in masochistic ways; I’d watch SNL for humorous liberal comfort, and Colbert to feel some spark of angry solidarity. And that’s how I stumbled on Harry. He got me with his puns, because I love those. For the first time in months, I was giggling about something, this charming boy with curls and dimples who had replaced the scream-speech of James Cordon. For once I didn’t turn the tv off after Colbert. 

I began listening to Harry’s songs. As I had no reference for contemporary pop music, his old school rock album was familiar to me in a comforting way. I knew these sounds, these tropes, and yet they didn’t feel stale to me, they spoke to something I was feeling in the present. Because the album, in essence, was about pain, wasn’t it? Pain and escaping it. The lies we tell to survive, the dreams we cling to for hope, the drugs we use to forget. I’d never bought a pop album before, Harry was my first, and I listened to it for hours every day. 

HS1 seeped into my blood, but I’d been on a hopeless, aimless track for so long that the railway tie hadn’t yet switched. One warm, sunny spring day I wrote a note, filled a bag with rocks, and walked to the old bike trail, out past the freeway, into the marshes and pools of abandoned swampy wasteland. FTDT played in my head on a loop as I walked, as my brain hummed with the equation of worth. Was it worth it to stay alive?

Yes. I threw the rocks. I threw them as far as my fragile arms would allow, and they splashed into the murky water. And I turned around and called my mom to come get me. Harry had made something that was beautiful, that was touching, that was real. And if he could... then maybe I could too. Maybe I didn’t have to be just what I’d been before. Maybe I could try creating other things; maybe I could make art that, like Harry’s music, made other people feel less alone. 

There was something magical about that album. Not freedom, per se, but the promise of it, a glimpse of truth that kept me hanging on. 

I began writing poems again, songs. I got into an orchestra program, I healed month by month, I started carrying crystals, I found this crazy fandom and, little by little, grew to understand that my yearning upon looking at baby larry videos was really a cry of sameness that I had never before understood. After the Pulse shooting, during my horrible homebound year, I’d watched Lin-Manuel Miranda give his love is love is love speech, and I’d burst into tears. And I’d not known why. Now I began to realize. I remember the first tentative anon I sent to Phoenix @alienfuckeronmain asking if maybe I was... bi? I remember anxiously awaiting her answer, as if I needed an invitation to join the community, to be valid, to have this not just be a crazy swelling of hope in my chest. She replied while I was wandering through a corn maze in the frigidness of October. The next day I walked into rehearsal and I felt free, free of the way boys looked at me, free of being FOR them, and I’d never felt so... alive. Coincidentally I met my ex girlfriend that day too. 

Through Harry I found this fandom, and Louis. Louis, who has spoken to me on levels I cannot even express, whose class and political and emotional intelligence have challenged me to stand up for things I never thought I could. For me these last few years have felt like a journey WITH Harry. As he started waving them, I started wearing rainbows, just subtly. A knit scarf, a postcard, a bag. I started writing fic, the most healing thing I’ve ever done. I learned to create art away from the singular thing I’d been trained to dump my all into, and I learned that I have so much more to offer, even if chronic pain will follow me in some way or another for the rest of my life. 

I’m so thankful to Harry for taking me on this adventure with him; I don’t know if I’d have ever taken that first step by myself. It was like he held my hand through it all, like this fandom held my hand through it all. Like by being himself, Harry helped me be brave enough to evolve too. 

Through the catalyst of Harry’s art I’ve experienced more happiness than I’d have ever imagined. I cannot wait to go on this next journey, a second album, and reflect on just how far we’ve both come. 

#mine #personal #tw suicide #tw disordered eating