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babaleshy · 3 years

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I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

#autism #asperger's #adhd #special interests #sensory traits #autistic traits #sorry for how long this is

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cuppasunu · 4 years

Text

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄

synopsis: where juyeon loses all his memories after a terrible accident. many years later he’s bound to marry another woman—not knowing their photographer used to be his girlfriend of seven years. will he remember their love?

genre: series (fluff; angst; suggestive)

pairing: lee juyeon x fem. reader

playlist: spotify link

status: completed.

w/c: 1.4K words

once more masterlist

kyu is listening to ... take her to the moon by moira dela torre

[2018]

“So, a spring wedding would probably be perfect for this venue, right y/n?” Juyeon’s fiancée, Sihyeon asks, breaking your trance reminiscing about your memories with Juyeon.

“I’m sorry, I was distracted.. This is where you’re holding the wedding?” you asked, nearly choking on your water.

“Well, the date isn’t until spring next year so we’re still looking for options. It’s funny how my love actually insisted on the idea of having our engagement shoot to be done in a flower field..” she laughs, but hearing that just digs a deeper wound inside you, realizing this is exactly where Juyeon has taken you on dates.

Taking a deep breath, you excuse yourself and leave the couple to look around the location. Your eyes cannot peel away from Juyeon’s smile, it looks like it could reach from one ear to the other.

he looks so happy..

Rushing on your way to the back door, you bump into a person.. maybe two (?) coming from the parking lot.

“I’m sorry, I’m sor-”

“y/n.”

Hearing that familiar voice, your eyes immediately dart up meeting your old friend, Changmin. You glance past his shoulders—there’s Chanhee and Kevin. That persistent feeling of wanting to run away? Oh, it’s back and it’s even more intense.

Before you can even move your feet, Changmin grabs a hold of your wrist out to the parking lot, checking if the four of you are out of the couple’s sight.

“Y/n.. did you meet them already?” Kevin’s genuine concern is present on his face, but you’re not really sure if that’s for you or his dear friend.

“Did you tell him the truth?” Changmin asks.

“Hold on- I think I need some explanation on my end too! I didn’t know I was meeting him today, much less find out he’s getting married and he doesn’t remember me? What happened? Does he remember you? When did the accident happen?” you finally burst, tears streaming down your face.

You all stood there in silence, trying to make the situation make sense. Changmin looked like he was going to say something, and his expression seems like he wants to burn you alive.

“..we should have come earlier..” Chanhee hisses out of frustration, while putting the effort of calming Changmin down.

“We don’t owe you anything, y/n. Not one explanation. Especially when you br- when you left Juyeon.”

His stinging words hurt as if it just slapped you across the face. You chose to keep your mouth shut, knowing how much those words may have been painful, it was equally as accurate.

“Well, you know most of it. Before the accident, he already got rid of all your pictures, memories, everything.. So when we found out he had amnesia, we all thought it would be better to not remind him of you,” Kevin explained, “It’s better this way, y/n. They’re happy. He’s happy, now. And all those memories he had of you, it doesn’t hurt him anymore..”

but he forgot all our good ones too..

You sink down on the bench, processing the mess you have entered. The concrete was rough as you threw your head, leaning on the wall, “Is it too late to back out now?”

“Honestly, yea. Sihyeon has been raving about your work for months now. She’s been so excited about the thought of working with you but obviously we can’t stop her without raising any questions about your past with Juyeon,” Chanhee replies, “That’s why we were hoping to catch you before they did in case it all went wrong.”

“.. so she doesn’t know either..”

“She doesn’t. So please, keep this up. Until they get married at least. If you leave now, you’re going to have to explain why,” Changmin mutters bitterly, “Can you really live with the thought of hurting Juyeon again when he realizes the past five years of his life has been a lie?”

You shake your head, coming into terms with everything that’s going to happen. You stood up from your seat, fixing your hair and wiping away your tears.

“How long have they been together?”

“2 years.”

[2008 — flashback]

“Y/n, it’s unfair to be pretty and smart and talented AND be in a relationship..” your best friend, Mina, jokingly complains.

“And I think it’s time I set you up with one of Juyeon’s friends,” you replied, making the final touches on your hair in front of the mirror, “Hm, what about Kevin? Maybe Changmin?”

“Oh no, I’m not a sorry case! I’m perfectly satisfied being single,” she smiles, “Less distractions too, I have college to think about missy.”

“Who said that I’ll be abandoning my dreams for a relationship?” you protest.

“Alright- alright, I know you know better than that. It has worked for more than a year.. “

“Two years! It’s our second year anniversary today,” telling her as your ears perk up to hear the sound of your doorbell, “He’s here.”

“Now, have fun on your date!” Mina fixes your collar before ushering you out the door.

After waving your goodbye, you made your way to the gate, light on your steps. Juyeon is standing outside, sniffing a small bundle of tulips before hiding it behind his back when he hears you coming.

“Hi hun, happy second year anniversary!”

Juyeon greets you with a kiss on the forehead before presenting the flowers to you, “Hey babe, happy anniversary.”

“As always, you know which one’s my favorite,” you tell him, beaming at the buds of vibrant orange on your hand.

“It never changes, y/n,” he pokes fun at your reaction, “Actually I switched it up this time. It’s orange instead of the usual pink.”

“Ha ha,” you laugh sarcastically.

While walking to the bus stop, Juyeon tells you that today’s location will be a secret. But judging on the basket he’s holding, it’s not much of a surprise.

“I have an idea~”

“That’s not fair..” he huffs.

“You baby. Okay, I won’t ruin the surprise. I’ll wait when we get there.”

And as you guessed, he picked the Seoul Forest as your picnic location. Thankfully, on this cool spring day, it’s the perfect balance of sunny but windy weather. He lays down a blanket on the shade and sets the food he brought out of the basket.

“Wow, did you make all of this?” you’re amazed at the variety of snacks he made.

“I really should say Chanhee did all the work and I just ‘helped’ but I’m always trying to impress you so I’ll take the credit,” Juyeon sheepishly grins.

“Oh sure, yes. My chef boyfriend,” you say, pinching his cheek.

Juyeon scrunches his nose upon hearing that—boyfriend. It’s been two years since you gave him that sweet yes to his adorable confession, but he’s not going to get used to hearing you call him your boyfriend anytime soon. Of course you notice the way he gets shy when you do, so in every possible moment, you made sure to call him that.

“Right- my gifts,” you remember, grabbing your bag for the small box you’ve prepared to give him.

With raised eyebrows, his eyes follow the box you’ve given him. Opening the ribbon that tied it prettily, Juyeon scans through the envelopes that carry the letters you wrote. Inside, there’s also a handkerchief neatly folded at the bottom of the box.

“You can read the letters later,” you mumble, “but quick, look at the handkerchief and check the embroidery.”

He touches the edge of the light blue fabric— L J Y with a tiny arrow right beside it. At the same time, you pulled your own handkerchief to show him where you have stitched your own initials at the same place, but instead had a heart right next to it.

You look at his expression to gauge his reaction, and Juyeon’s face says it all. You swore he was so close shedding a tear or two, his eyes watering at the brim. Now, that genuinely surprised you; he wasn’t the type of guy that would seem to be easily moved.

“Do you like it?” you ask him.

“Do I like it? y/n.. I love it,” he sighs, cupping your cheek on his hand, “Thank you.”

You got on your knees to reach over the food and give him a peck on the lips. Feeling his smile pressed against you, he goes back in to kiss you again. It was sweet and tender—the way you would describe your relationship.

The rest of the afternoon went by like a blur, but all it reminds you was that it was a day well spent.

previous : next

a/n: oooh we met the rest of 98z !! why are they so mad that y/n’s back.. hm? gee i wonder why :> anyhow feel free to shoot me any asks of your theories muahahahah. i mean the plot is pretty much all done but i’m curious about what you think heehee

taglist:

@fullsunsays @haylo4ever @fleurseoul @deobi-pabo @amajeekies @lsangyeons @mydaintydaisy @sunwoowuvbot @elcie-chxn @zyoumeval @autumnleafez @nyuwings @hae-chans @mistresskate101 @heartyyjeno @nanadreamies @bacardihs @sanniescat @gughoul @hhjvlogs

please let me know if you would like to be included or taken out <3

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marinetteplztakeabreak · 3 years

Text

chloe in my adrininogami roommates au

under the cut bc its a little long (1500 words of notes about chloe in this au)

ADRININOGAMI ROOMATES AU RECAP: its not really an au its just a timejump, Adrien Nino and Kagami are all like 18-19 and roommates, hawkmoth is still out there and lb and cn still dont know each others’ identities, Nino and Kagami know each others’ secret identities but don’t know Adrien’s and he doesn’t know theirs, Nino is at university while Adrien and Kagami are just taking a gap year and working minimum wage jobs and honestly they are all thriving and bffs

Chloe is a music major

At the same university as Nino

i have very little knowledge of the universities of Paris so this is going to be partially based on the American system, im sorry but youre going to have to suspend your disbelief real quick

so the university has a rule where first year students have to live on campus in the dorms

Nino escaped this rule because he is a goshdarn music nerd and quest for knowlege cannot be stopped

There wasn’t even an AP Music Theory class at his high school when he started there but he was like “whats up guys i have self-confidence now and i think it would be pretty nifty if we had this class” and then talked to teachers and convinced a bunch of his friends to sign up for it so now its a class

And thats the only AP Music class and he still wanted to learn,,, so he just,,, started taking online college courses,,, in music theory,,, for fun,,,, the absolute nerd <3

he will ramble excitedly about music history to anyone who will listen and you cant even be upset bc he is so energetic about this

All of this is to say that, by the time he graduated high school, he had already completed a bunch of college classes, so he got to enter university as a sophomore, which is how he is living off campus with adrien and kagami

Chloe, however, is a freshman, so shes gotta live on campus in the freshman dorms and have a roommate

her roommate, by the way, is Juleka

Chloe has calmed down significantly by this time and sucks a lot less. She and Juleka are not friends by any account, but basically, when they were signing up for roommates, they were both like “whelp this is better than rooming with a total stranger, i wont talk to you or bother you if you dont talk to me”

chloe and juleka have not actually spoken to each other since school started,, they pretty much stay out of the dorm room unless they are sleeping and then they stay on their side of the room and do not make eye contact and dont touch each others stuff

and chloe is totally fine with this

just kidding, hahaha, she is sad and lonely and wants to make friends but is terrible at it,,, her models for friendship include Adrien who she knows she messed up with completely and the best thing she can do now for their relationship is avoid him so she doesnt mess it up more,, and Sabrina, who is also refusing to speak to her now and basically taught chloe that the way to do friendship is to like? do their homework or something??

(juleka is vibing and living her best life btw, shes just also an introvert and only goes to the dorm when she is tired and needs to refresh and also chloe is the one acting like they shouldnt talk)

SO,,, chloe is a music major bc she thinks its pretty nifty and fun and also because she is trying to avoid anything to do with her parents,,, she has reached the point where like “be a dissapointment to my parents” is like,, her life goal,,, which is kinda a “good for her” situation and kinda a “holy heck plz get her some therapy situation”

wow we’ve got a bunch of backstory but we are finally to the point of this post

Chloe has several classes with Nino and she keeps accidentally flocking to him because she already knows him from high school and he has such good vibes

Nino is kind of just trying to avoid her,, he doesnt HATE her,, but,, it is chloe,, yknow

but then they get paired up for a group project and the group meets at nino’s apartment, and adrien is not in the building whenever chloe is there, on purpose,, they will be friends again eventually but their friendship is taking a little bit of a break and adrien is still learning how to have boundaries so he’s just doing what’s best for his mental health

chloe is totally fine with this and doesnt miss him at all

just kidding she is lying

BUT

you know who IS just chilling in the apartment while chloe is there

kagami

who is now like 19 and having some actual self confidence and happiness and who is chilling in her apartment with nino, one of her best friends

and chloe gets through the first group meetup at nino’s house and doesn’t spent any time just staring at kagami who’s chilling reading books in the corner (yes she does)

chloe is actually trying her hardest to be nice to the group members and make friends and prove that she can be a good person and a hard worker but she has very little social skills or work ethics skills and is having complicated emotions about adrien and hasnt even realized it yet but she is falling HARD for kagami,

all that is to say that chloe is a little bit distracted from the group project

but anyway they meet up again and this time chloe has done a ton of research and prep beforehand bc she doesnt want 2 be caught offguard made to look like a fool again and everyone is like what the heck, since when does she study things?

and anyway the project goes pretty great

but then

chloe has a goshdarn crying breakdown

because she is experiencing too many emotions all at once

the combination of just,,, university coursework is stressful and living without servants for the very first time in her life and parental issues and not having friends and also literally everything is just aaaa

so she starts crying in her dorm while doing homework while juleka is there but she literally forgets that juleka is there bc juleka is kind of a cryptid

and juleka just kinda stares at her for a minute and then is like “u good”

and chloe tries to pretend shes not startled and is like “haha yeah its fine”

and juleka is like “have u considered getting a tutor”

and chloe, who is stupid, is like “hmm i should ask nino to tutor me but only at his place and only when kagami is home and i should make sure that i look super cute and i need to study beforehand so that i look cool and smart in front of kagami,, i mean,, for no reason at all i just think this is a good idea”

she talks to nino and nino is like “ok i guess i can help tutor you but u have to actually make an effort and also stick to a schedule so youre not there when adriens there bc we are respecting his boundaries and also you need to-”

and chloe is like “great perfect done”

and then she actually does everything nino says

so basically

she ends up passing all of her classes and making friends

literally just because she is too stupid to actually try to talk to kagami

they literally do not have any conversations other than like “hey, whats up?” “nothing much lol” for like,,, an entire year

also chloe does not admit to herself that she has a crush on kagami for that entire time either

meanwhile adrien and nino and kagami are all a little confused bc chloe keeps flirting at nino??? and adrien is like “im pretty sure she likes girls but idk???” and nino keeps being like “hey chloe what’s up, i just got back from hanging out with my amazing girlfriend alya who i am very in love with,, and who is my girlfriend,, who i am dating”

and chloe has literally no idea why he is doing this but continues to flirt at him and subconciously hope that kagami will catch some of her flirting vibes and falls in love with her

so basically

they are all stupid

BUT Chloe and Nino do become actual friends and chloe actually respects him for the amazing wonderful smart talented kind person that he is and he helps her make some new friends and they get to the point where they are a super great study group and she’ll listen to all his homework assignments and proofread some of them when its like finals cramming time and they are supporting each other and their friendship is good

#chlogami #chloe bourgeois #ml chloe #nino lahiffe #kagami tsurugi #adrien agreste #juleka couffaine #adrininogami roomates au #platonic adrininogami #adrininogami

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itsuki-minamy · 3 years

Text

WONDERFUL SCHOOL DAYS: MY PRECIOUS RED

CHAPTER 4: AUTUMN

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: skyflyinginaction

* Gakuen K (List of Chapters) * Projects & Chapters

During the summer vacation month, she spent a lot of time playing and then the new semester began.

There were many school events in the fall. The sophomores had a school trip, and they were planning and preparing for it, so they were busy with more than just school work, and the days were rushing by.

In the blink of an eye, summer vacation turned into a page of memories, it turned cool, and she changed her uniform. Then they entered the period of preparation for the intermediate test, which was a difficult task for the red club in many ways.

Furthermore, it seemed like Suoh could repeat a year again.

Specifically, if he gets a red point, he will have another repeat year.

To avoid that, Kusanagi told all the members that they would be banned from entering and leaving HOMRA until the end of the intermediate test.

In the first semester, if they got even a red dot, they would ban him, but in the second semester, they were all banned until the midterm test was over. By the way, if they get even a red dot, it looks like it will be banned until the end of the year and the New Year holidays.

Of course, they were not satisfied with the harsh words.

Everyone had to shut up at Kusanagi's words, "By Mikoto."

"Although Mikoto works hard, what about the others? Those below can avoid the red dot, but the one above is like this. Yes? It's a collective responsibility."

Suoh sighed at the words, and if Suoh agreed, no one could complain. Everyone agreed with that.

From that day on, Suoh was in the dorm as soon as he finished school. He studied while he was watched by Totsuka. Everyone had a study session in the school's red club room and headed straight back to the dorm.

Saya, Yata, and Kamamoto often went to the library together. Like today.

When she stopped the movement of the mechanical pencil, she exhaled.

Yata, who hated studying and got bored quickly, probably did his best for Suoh, but for some reason, he tended to get distracted.

"I wonder if it will finish soon..."

Saya lowered the tip of the mechanical pencil as she turned it over in the notebook.

They were a little upset that they couldn't see Suoh, Totsuka, and Kusanagi.

But even after they finished, they started preparing for the school festival right away. After the school festival, the final test. After that, a Christmas event, and so on.

Of course, there will be activities with the red club at school festivals, so she doesn't think she can't meet them at all. However, she cannot afford to neglect her class activities and if she thinks about it, she believes that the time to go to HOMRA will be greatly shortened from now on.

And, aside from Suoh, Totsuka should be busy studying for the entrance exams if he goes to college.

Now that she thought about it, in the ordinary activities of the club, the third-year students have already retired.

She maybe she "could play" until the summer, and she thinks she won't be able to see them much from now on.

"No. It's lonely."

Involuntarily, she put those words into her mouth.

The truth is, she didn't like it at all. For the future, it is not something she can say. She was not good to stop thinking that.

It didn't mean that she couldn't get together at all, and she felt like it was something different to be hanging out all the time, so she wondered why she was thinking that.

But if she had an excuse, she would lose everything again.

Back then, it seemed like a miracle to be surrounded by "friends" like now.

Every day was fun, comfortable, cool and she wanted to be "the way it is".

"I want to see Suoh-senpai..."

Just seeing Suoh dozing on the bar couch, she felt relieved.

"I want to see Totsuka-san and Kusanagi-san..."

She was healed by Totsuka's gentle smile and Kusanagi's mischievous smile.

Since she moved she was there, since she was very lonely.

"Oh, I wonder if the test will end soon..."

It was at that moment that she sighed several times.

"I can't help saying that."

Yata said it as if he was a little frustrated and stood up.

She was surprised by the words because she thought Yata had the same feelings.

When he opened his mouth, Yata coughed, "I'm thirsty, so I'm going to buy something.", and immediately turned his back on her.

She couldn't understand how he looked so terrible. She turned her eyes to Kamamoto.

"Huh? Did I say something that pissed him off?"

Or was she loud? Did she get in the way even though he was so focused?

Oh, or was she persistent? Repeating things that cannot be avoided.

"Uh, did I say something wrong? I'm sorry."

Kamamoto smiled and shook his head.

"No, do not worry."

"But…"

"Yata-san is a great person."

"Eh?"

Eh? Were they talking about the same topic?

When she bowed her head, Kamamoto smiled even more and looked out the window.

"But the three people in front of Yata-san are more amazing. Maybe it's frustrating."

"What? What's the story? I don't know."

"That's fine, Konohana-san. Don't worry."

"......?"

"Yata-san wasn't mad at Konohana-san either. Don't worry."

Once again, she was scared and confused, and looked towards the door where Yata had disappeared.

The day was quite heavy.

It was the time she closed the library, that is, the time they left school, so she gathered her books and went to the entrance with Yata and Kamamoto.

"The sun is setting faster."

She looks up at the sky, which changed color at night, as if light ink had been spilled.

Since then. Yata, who immediately returned with a drink, didn't seem to be in a bad mood at all, which made her feel very relieved, but what was it after all?

However, she did not want to infuriate him and make him angry again, so she avoids that topic and, thanks to her hard work, she felt that her studies have improved a lot. Not only her, but also Yata and Kamamoto.

When she goes back to the bedroom, she will do the best she can.

She stretched out and suddenly looked at Yata.

It was already October. Everyone in the red club wears a pure "black" that was different from ordinary students.

"By the way, the red club does not have girls' uniforms because there are no other girls. Not only now, but I am the first in history, right?"

"Huh? Ah!"

"It's a bit disappointing. The red club's black school uniform is great. The girls don't have those school uniforms, but I wish I had a black uniform. Wearing the same black as everyone else. I wish I had."

"……!"

"Well, it's a real problem, and I know it's impossible to make a uniform for one person, right? Even the silver club wear normal uniforms."

She look at Yata and Kamamoto, and smile.

"After all, I long for that a little. It's great."

"Seriously?"

"That's how it is."

When she said that, Yata thought about the words for a bit and pushed the bag against Kamamoto.

When she wondered what he was going to do, Yata took off his school uniform and smashed it against her startled head.

"Eh?"

"Then, you should put it on."

"Eh?"

(Oh Yata-kun, isn't it cold in just a shirt? You'll catch a cold.), she thought.

She tried to quickly return it, but he said, "Okay, put it on!"

"No, it's okay... I'm happy though! But Yata-kun, isn't it difficult if you get sick before the test? If you get a red dot, will you be banned until the end of the second semester?"

When she said that, he was a little upset and said, "The distance to the bedroom is not an exaggeration."

Well, it certainly wasn't that cold yet.

And she was happy after all. The red club uniform, the test of friends that everyone wears. To say that she did not yearn for it was a lie.

When she said "Oh, thank you.", she took off her light blue uniform and offered it to Yata.

"Eh?"

"Then Yata-kun, you can use this one. After all, it's cold."

"But...! Do you think it would fit me?"

"What?! The height doesn't change that much!"

"Ah?!"

"This, Konohana-san, leave it at that!"

It was true, but Yata turned around, so she didn't say anything else, and she was a little excited to put on Yata's school uniform.

"Eh?"

However, when she pulled it up her sleeve, she thought her height wouldn't change much, but it was big. She couldn't get her whole hand out of her sleeve. Her shoulders also felt like the fabric was too loose.

Oh, that?

"Yata-kun, are you bigger than me?"

"Ah, it's true!"

When she accidentally coughed, she said...

"Wow! I'm sorry! Because it doesn't normally look like this!"

But that was correct. After all, he is a boy.

Suddenly, a strange sensation arose and her chest gradually warmed up.

She held her mouth gently with her hand hidden in the sleeve of his school uniform.

The red club uniform and Yata. It was warm, and she was happy.

"Why does a girl look cute when she wears men's clothes? Oh, isn't that our uniform? Yata-san…"

"Bah! Oh, it's just a shirt!"

"Eh? Wow, is that so?"

She also thought that he would say, "It is not mine!"

When she looked at Yata with blinking eyes, she wondered if he had noticed, and suddenly he turned bright red. Involuntarily, she looked at Kamamoto and laughed.

"Hmm...! Don't be laughing!"

"Ah. I'm sorry. Because..."

She was happy.

(Oh, I think I'm very happy. Who would have imagined such a day would come? I wonder if I'm that happy, but every day I have fun.), she thought.

"You're laughing!"

"Fufufu. Come on, sorry. A little later..."

She grabbed Kamamoto's arm and laughed.

She was happy. Finally, she was having fun.

Then she didn't notice.

There were people who looked at her and exchanged words.

++++++++++

"Well, at the red club?"

"Yes, in the red club."

Totsuka smiled kindly.

Thanks to the effort, Suoh passed the intermediate test brilliantly. Also, it seemed like there was a lot of space when it came to points. After all, he was a person who could do it. He just didn't do it.

Then as for the other members, there were a lot of people who were barely there, but all of them still had no red dots. Everyone could do it, right? They just didn't.

So the next big event is the school festival!

Of course, this was her first experience at the school festival. She really wanted to do it from now on.

The next day they said it at the "HOMRA" bar. After a long time, senior Totsuka sent a notice to all the members of the red club so that they could meet in the school club room.

And then, looking around the lineup of members, Totsuka said, "Let's do something at the school festival, red club."

"Of course it's fun to look around at the school festival, but don't you think it's best to be ready for anything?"

"Yes, that is true."

"That's why I suggested doing something at the red club. Wouldn't you like to create the best memories of Konohana-san's first school festival?"

Eh? Well, why?

Totsuka smiled, she was surprised and looking at him, said: "Basically, I like festivals. They are…"

"But..."

"Let's participate this time, Konohana-san. Of course, it's not just preparation, right?"

"......!"

At Totsuka's words, they breathed involuntarily.

"Totsuka-senpai...?"

"Didn't you do your best in summer too?"

"That's it…"

"Because we are together."

They all looked at her as their words invited her. She clasped her hands and turned around.

Until the summer, she thought that she would have shook her head immediately.

"I'll help you get ready. But that day... the school festival itself... I think I shouldn't be there. Because I heard from Kukuri-chan that a lot of people other than students will be coming."

She was afraid of being in a crowded place. But…

"It's okay, Konohana-san."

She lifted her face at Totsuka's voice. She was even more nervous and clasped her hands.

Until the summer, she thought she was more scared than necessary. Most of all, she was afraid of herself and she was always nervous.

Before moving there, she could not leave the room. In the end, she even thought that there was no way to protect someone from her.

But now she was a little different. She wanted to participate.

She was not afraid of herself. It was a strange expression to say that she was fine, but she was really trying. She still she was afraid.

She didn't want to break things again. She didn't want to hurt people. She was waiting so hard for it, she wanted to participate.

She wanted to be with those people and get involved with people.

Thanks to everyone in the red club she come to think that way. There were also Kusanagi and Kamamoto.

Everyone believes in her. They treat her well without hesitation. She clasped her hands and laughed.

Kamamoto also supported her without hesitation. They all take care of her and support her.

Above all, Yata, who always protected her. He cared about her and went to find her first, pulling her hand.

Someday, she might kill Yata. She had much fear and she fell.

But Yata was not afraid. Yata should be able to think of himself.

He believes in her more than she does, and stays with her.

"Wow, I..."

But of course, she had not forgotten the danger of her abilities.

Earlier, Munakata told her that he wanted to talk, but she ran away from him at the time, but when she consulted with Totsuka at a later date, he said, "I'll tell Fushimi."

"I'm trying to find out about Konohana-san's abilities."

"Leave it to me. Rather, Konohana-san shouldn't have any contact with the blue club." He pointed his finger at Yata and smiled.

She therefore decided to leave the report to the blue club entirely to Totsuka. Since then, the blue club's interference with her had completely disappeared, as evidenced by the fact that it had been broadcast correctly.

But that didn't mean she was glad. It was not a relief. In fact, she started training to control her abilities around that time.

(I'm free to do it, so I can't help but do my best, right?), she thought.

She would not be afraid of herself forever. She couldn't just be protected and pampered for it. She had to fulfill her responsibility appropriately for them.

That is why she started training. First of all, the basics of the basics. From the place where her ability was revealed.

She went to Kawahara on her day off, and she was doing her best with "superhuman strength" first.

Even if she tried to use it, she didn't show up, although she did show up when she wasn't doing anything.

She had a lot of problems at first, but thanks to her hard work in the summer, she was gradually becoming apparent. It was really a little progress.

For that, and above all thanks to everyone, she believes that she has been able to have a little courage. That is why a change of opinion may have occurred.

If everyone was there, she might stop being afraid of herself.

If Yata was there, she might believe in herself a little.

In the red club, with everyone, she felt that she could take a step forward.

Even if she stepped forward, she felt that she could forgive herself.

"Unlike..."

Bravely, she looked around her and parted her lips.

"I want to participate."

"……!

They all sparkled at the words that she desperately said with courage.

"It's okay!"

"I will do that!"

Everyone was talking and clapping.

"Well, I made up my mind."

Totsuka's smile made her heart warm.

She squeezed her chest tightly with both hands.

Oh, she even she was glad she let her skill slip away on the first day of moving.

If she had hidden it, she could not have been like this, if she had been completely hidden.

At that time, she was able to become "friends" with everyone in the red club because she had run away, and because of that she was able to make the red club monitor her abilities, report the situation and monitor her.

And she, too, was able to make an effort to gain control.

Yata said that he was in debt to her. Thanks to her, he doesn’t hurt students in general. And he apologized for hurting her on that occasion.

She was sure that feeling hadn't changed.

But wasn't it really the opposite?

The Yata thing was certainly a mistake for Yata, and perhaps it was a crime. But for her, it was the opposite. That was what saved her. He helped her to be like she was now.

"Let's have fun!"

"Yes!"

When she took a long break, Totsuka laughed and looked around his again.

"That's why I'm actually talking about what to do."

"Hmm. Isn't it a shop rather than an exhibition? It's not like a coffee shop, it's a stall. There are a lot of people, so if we take turns, we won't be there for that long during the day. I have enough time to look around."

Everyone screamed at Chitose's words.

"That's right. Let's think in that direction."

"Easy cooking is good, isn't it? Or is it something that can be prepared in advance? You don't have to wait long at the place."

"That's right. I want to avoid fried foods if possible. It's hard."

"Besides, isn't it better to eat something you can eat without using chopsticks?"

"Oh, that's right. You should be able to choose where to eat."

"After that, the cost of the material is cheap."

"In other words, you can get it cheaply."

"Something that collects in my stomach."

"Something that looks good."

"It's also important that cooking is easy."

"It is also important that the menu does not overlap with other food stands."

They looked at each other, and then looked up, "Hmm."

There was silence.

Thinking of it that way, it is quite difficult to decide on a menu.

She looked at the cloudy and inorganic ceiling, which was different from the "HOMRA" bar, and she thought more.

By the way, did they plan the school festival like this last year? While they made a fuss with everyone.

After all, the school festival itself was canceled due to that heinous "accident", and she couldn't go to the school itself shortly after that, so she made a plan.

At the time, she was talking about offering some food. She came up with several ideas. Takoyaki, okonomiyaki, yakisoba, French fries. However, they were likely to be used by everyone in other classes and club activities, so she was concerned.

"Meat roll, hot dogs."

She involuntarily coughed. They all looked at her at once.

After many days of worrying, the menu they decided on was "Meat Roll Dog".

At one point, everyone clapped and cheered.

The memory that she had become distant pierced her chest.

She gritted her back teeth and looked at everyone around her.

"How about a meat-wrapped ball? Simply put, it's a meat-rolled rice ball. It's not a bale or a triangle, it's like wrapping rice and meat around disposable chopsticks."

"Rice ball wrapped in meat?"

"That's right. How to do it would be: wrap the rice and the pork belly around disposable chopsticks. You can add a little vinegar to the rice. It is refreshing and has a bactericidal effect. I will do a lot in the morning. On the day of the festival, we will bake it one by one shortly before the school festival starts. When the school festival starts and an order is placed, just put it in a grilled meat sauce and heat it on an iron plate. The first step is to grill it and then add the sauce. I think, if you have two iron plates, it can be efficient."

They all look at each other.

"The offer itself is as simple as putting it in a paper cup or something and handing it over. No special packaging is required and it's easy. The cost of the material is just rice, pork belly, and roast beef, so doesn't cost a lot. But it's not bulky. Oh, maybe toothpicks and a paper cup?"

"Oh, okay! That!"

Chitose was the first to shine and scream.

Then they all did it one after another and smiled.

"You can eat even if you wake up just by biting."

"If that's the only material, I think you can get it at a fairly low price."

"And the rice has a lot of volume. The satisfaction should be high."

"It looks great. Meat wrapped balls look delicious just in writing."

"On top of that, it's a bit different from the standard, and it seems like it's easy to carry."

Totsuka coughed and smiled.

"How nice!"

"Yes!"

In a word, she almost cried.

She thought sin was sin. It was irreparable that she did it.

The school festival that she couldn't go to with her old friends a year ago, could no longer be recovered.

But she could start over and take a new step.

Although she couldn't get back what she lost, she could get a fresh start.

She was so happy it was painful.

"If you decide to do so, you must write a stop permit request immediately."

She couldn't cry, it would seem strange to everyone.

Someone poked his head out with eyes closed, her mouth held in her hand and her head down desperately enduring tears. Probably Totsuka. Totsuka's voice echoed in front of her.

She gritted her back teeth, took a deep breath, and slowly raised her face.

In front of her, after all, was Totsuka.

She was relieved to see the soft smile.

"Food stands, permits, applications...?"

"Yes. When you make a position in a school festival, you have to apply as the red club in advance. I will take care of the gas and fire, to prevent accidents."

"Red club?"

"Of course, most things in this school are self-governed by the students. It is not the teacher who gives these permissions."

Oh, it was true.

"So first, King has to get a job permit application from the red club."

"Eh?!"

(Suoh-senpai?!), she thought.

"Why Suoh-senpai in person?"

"That's the rule. It is the representative of the department who is going to find the application and submit it. Well, that's correct. You get permission to work as a department."

"Okay, what is...?"

(No, I don't think Munakata-senpai will do anything.), she thought.

But no matter how she thought about it, they feel like oil and water.

"Well, okay. Maybe."

(Maybe? I don't think it's possible!), she thought.

But when Totsuka laughed and said, "Okay.", he walked over to Suoh, who was dozing on the couch, and hit him on the arm.

"Hey, King."

"So today's discussion is over? I have nothing to do until Mikoto-san receives the request form."

Kamamoto looked at Totsuka, who shook Suoh.

"Oh, that's right. Everyone will be ready for class."

"Oh, yeah. After this, I have to go get ready for class."

It was said that Kukuri would email her once her workplace was decided.

At that moment, the PDA rang to notify her of an incoming call. (Oh, Kukuri-chan. Just in time!), she thought.

When she took out the PDA, Totsuka looked at her.

"A classmate?"

"Yes. She said that she would email me when the workplace was decided. I was a little late due to the meeting at the red club."

An email with an image attached. And the image was a simple sketch of the school building.

A red star was drawn at one point.

"It was the right time. I have to go."

"What is Konohana-san's class doing?"

"It's a display system. The details are still secret."

"Oh, so is it quite difficult to prepare?"

"It seems. Was it set up today? They told me to tell my friends when the location was decided."

"I see. If it's an exhibition system, you can work hard at the red club position that day."

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Maybe it will happen."

When she understood, Totsuka laughed mischievously and said, "I heard something good."

"Because we have a valuable female member, Konohana-san."

"Yes!"

"Good. Then go. What about that? What about Yata and Kamamoto? Huh?"

"The boys should have another preparation, and they are acting differently from me."

Instead of the two who didn't seem to move, she said so and waved back saying, "I'm leaving."

"Welcome."

When she left the club room, she pulled out the PDA and ran away.

"Wow, it's pretty far."

The stars indicated the rear of the school building. It was a place she hadn't been to yet.

Even though it had been half a year since she came to school, there are places where she still hadn't set foot. Anyway, even though this school was so big, she wondered if Kukuri could secure such a place.

She was wondering a bit, but maybe it's a good place to work just because it's far away? She rethought.

Yes. she should have noticed it there.

"Oh, that?"

When she saw the empty space with no one, she inadvertently tilted her head.

She tried to follow the sketch, but there was no one.

Old... Was it a place to store tools? Anyway, it was just a place with a warehouse-like building. It wasn't that big.

It was tough... Not that it was tough, but she got the impression that was a bit messy in the beautiful school, which was well maintained throughout. The ground was bare, a lot of pebbles have fallen, weeds grew here and there and it was a bit dark behind the school building. Also, it was a bit humid.

Of course, there was no evidence that it was being worked on. It was done too. It was funny.

However, it should be here.

"......?"

She tilted her head and looked back at the PDA.

(Did I make a mistake? No, but it should be okay. I walked out the door, I came there, I turned around and I came here...), she thought.

"Oh, it's funny. It should be here."

It was then that he was desperately comparing the plane of her head with that of the PDA.

Yes. It was exactly there.

Behind it was also quite close, there was a footfall.

The moment she tried to turn around, her eyes suddenly turned completely black.

"Eh?!"

It wasn't until she was beaten that she realized she had something on her head.

Her arm fell to the stepped spot and she was roughly pushed just as she was. Her body suddenly hit something and made a loud noise. Immediately after, a loud metallic sound.

"Eh?"

She didn't know what happened and she was confused.

But that was also a moment, and when she flinched, she quickly picked up what was on her head (it was like a box) and looked around her.

However, only a few things appeared.

It was so dark that she thought she was still wearing something.

"Eh...?"

When she looked around her, she heard a giggle in the distance.

"Hey!"

It was the voice of a girl. Also, there were multiples. When she reached out, she hit a cold hard wall. Eh? Maybe she was on to something?!

Also, she looks around her. But after all, visibility was dark and black. What she could see is that it was very dusty and moldy. Also, there was an odor that appeared to be chemical.

Maybe in the toolbox?

"Hey, hey!"

She hit the wall that her hand touched and shook it loudly.

The laugh she heard from a distance grew bigger and pulled away from her when she called out.

"Well, wait!"

They were about to leave while laughing.

Only that she understood, and at the same time it was hideous.

"Wait! Hey!"

It was enough to know that. Because that was more than enough.

The malice of them.

"Wait!"

She already knew that yelling was useless.

Not that her voice hadn't come through. She had arrived, but they did not want to listen to her.

If she stops here, they'll lock up people from the start!

"The PDA...!"

(No, Kukuri-chan. That girl can't do this.), she thought.

Then who? Was that email really from Kukuri?

However, even if she tries to confirm it now, she did not have the PDA in her hand. Had she dropped it herself?

By the way, when they attacked her, she was holding it in her hand. Did she drop it because of her fright?

She involuntarily clenched her back teeth.

(Oh, idiot! I didn't even verify the caller's name. Kukuri-chan told me, “I'll send you an email when the workplace is decided.” And that email was an indication of the location. Arbitrarily, I thought Kukuri-chan had contacted me!), she thought.

But who was they then?

She thought long and hard and shook her head.

"Oh, if you're thinking about that now..."

The search for the criminal is later. First of all, she had to get out of there

But how? She couldn't ask for help without a PDA.

This was a place that she had never visited for over half a year since she moved. She came here today because she was guided.

In other words, if she did it normally, she wouldn't come here. The chances of someone passing by were extremely low!

"What should she do?!"

If she couldn't ask to help, she should go out on her own.

This warehouse was not that solid. She thinks it was possible to destroy it by activating her ability, but...

"Ah!"

She looked back with eyes used to the dark.

Perhaps because it was not used much, she had the impression that it was packed with things in a messy way. The shelves also seemed to wobble.

She still couldn't control her abilities. If she mishandled her abilities here, things would definitely get worse.

But on the other hand, she remained silent...

It was dangerous to use her ability. But if she didn't risk it, she couldn't get out.

Then…!

"Huh! Please!"

She put her hand in the doorway of the warehouse and thought about it.

For a moment, both of her hands suddenly glowed white.

"…!"

Activated!

At that moment, the door made a painful noise in her ears and dented.

Oh, did it go there? She wanted to open the key as if she smashed it.

But thanks to the dents and heavy distortion, she was able to pull it off.

She felt a bit relieved, but right after that. It was a simple warehouse. What if one side was very distorted?

As she was in danger, the insides of her vibrated violently, the luggage fell and the dust shot up.

At the same time, something hung from her waist, and a strong acrid smell hit her.

Then the sound of a hard object hitting the ground.

"Eh?"

What was that?!

She reflexively pressed her nose and mouth at the terrible smell.

"What's that?!"

She squeezed her eyes shut and screamed. Outside, she could hear the sound of her PDA.

She reverberated in vain and grew impatient.

(Oh, someone! Ah! Notice that melody! Did anyone hear the destructive sound just before? Maybe my crying?), she thought.

"Please! Someone!"

She screamed as much as she could.

It was at that moment that...

Was there anyone? A tempting voice. Ah! This was exactly the heavenly aid!

However, the voice was a bit... no, it was from someone who wasn't very good at it.

For a moment she thought, "Why are you in such a place?", but... "I see! Blue club patrol!"

"That's right! What you don't know is what I'm doing in a hidden place! This is where you look around! Ah, thank you!"

"Hmm, Fushimi-kun! Open up!"

"Ah?"

When she knocked on the door, she heard Fushimi's surprised voice.

"Please! Help! I'm trapped!"

Along with her scream, a strange noise resounded.

That would have made him aware that the situation was imminent. There was a high-pitched voice that said, "Get as far away from the door as you can."

In a small warehouse (and shabby inside), it was a pretty difficult order, but she managed to get away from the door a bit.

"It's just a little!"

The moment she screamed, blue light shot through the dented door.

His hand tugged and knocked down the door that had broken and slipped.

Light shining through a large hole. The moment she narrowed her limbs, his big hand grabbed her arm.

"Come on!"

At the same time, the warehouse got a lot of holes.

At that moment, she was drawn to the force of pulling hard.

"Konohana!"

A powerful hand held her head.

The last thing she saw was a warped warehouse and a cardboard box on top of it.

Like in slow motion, got bigger and blocked her view.

She opened her eyes slowly, as if something invited her.

Miserable, distorted and blurred vision.

She remained distracted, she gradually focused and discovered that what occupies her field of vision was the inorganic white ceiling and lighting.

When she was distracted, she heard a voice saying, "Did you notice?"

When she slowly looked around her, Fushimi was sitting next to her.

Eh?

She did not understand the situation for a moment and was confused.

Immediately afterwards, however, she noticed that she was sleeping on the white sheets of the bed and hurriedly got up. No, she tried to get up, but she couldn't. At that moment, a fierce nausea hit her.

When she reflexively covered her mouth with both hands, Fushimi yelled "Idiot...!", and stood up.

And when she could move a little, she slightly lifted her body.

"Ah!"

"Be patient!"

He yelled and carried her to the other side of the wall to the side of the bed.

Then Fushimi quickly lowered her in front of the toilet bowl that was there and rubbed her a bit savagely.

"Vomit. It will be easier."

In front of Fushimi, that was it.

She thought about it for a moment. She coughed violently and the entire contents of his stomach turned.

She remembered as she spat. That was. She breathed in the acrid smell of paint.

She clung to the toilet bowl, coughed many times, and vomited many times. Tears naturally spilled over the pain.

During that time, she was a bit surprised that Fushimi rubbed her back all the time, but she was grateful. That was enough to make her cry.

"Ah!"

When she finally calmed down and took a breath, Fushimi left.

She then he returned with a wet towel and mineral water and offered them to her.

(Hmm... is that nice?), she thought.

The usual terrible attitude towards Yata seemed to be a lie.

"Thanks."

She managed to thank him, wipe her mouth, and drink the water.

But that was finally comfortable. She takes a deep breath.

"Can you go back to bed? Come on."

"Eh? Oh, I think I can go back. Just give me a hand." She remembered as she spat. That was. She breathed in the acrid smell of paint.

She clung to the toilet bowl, coughed many times, and vomited many times. Tears naturally spilled over the pain.

During that time, she was a bit surprised that Fushimi rubbed her back all the time, but she was grateful. That was enough to make her cry.

"Ah!"

When she finally calmed down and took a breath, Fushimi left.

She then he returned with a wet towel and mineral water and offered them to her.

(Hmm... is that nice?), she thought.

The usual terrible attitude towards Yata seemed to be a lie.

"Thanks."

She managed to thank him, wipe her mouth, and drink the water.

But that was finally comfortable. She takes a deep breath.

"Can you go back to bed? Come on."

"Eh? Oh, I think I can go back. Just give me a hand."

When she shook her head vertically, his hand reached out in front of her.

She grabbed his hand and stood up. It was disgusting, but even though she was fluttering, she managed to get back in bed and lie down.

She took a relieved breath again and looked at Fushimi, who was sitting in a chair next to the bed.

"Ah, this…?"

"Ah…"

"I'm wearing something like hospital clothes... Where is my uniform?"

Fushimi pointed to her feet without saying anything. There was something in a plastic bag.

"It's pretty dirty with paint. Maybe it's rubbish."

"Trash... The nurse was the one who changed my clothes, right?"

"Of course."

(Was that so? No, I knew. I just wanted to check.), she thought.

"I see. Okay then. Um, did I get hurt?"

She remembered the cardboard box that occupied the field of vision. Had she hit her head?

"I heard you're not hurt. I was a bit surprised. You protected yourself."

Fushimi took a deep breath. By the way, Fushimi, held her head in his hand?

When she looked down, Fushimi had a bandage on his left hand.

When she said "That...", Fushimi clicked his tongue and hid his hand from her.

"That, Fushimi-kun..."

"This does not matter. What happened in that place? Speak up. I have an obligation to investigate as a member of the blue club. If necessary, I have to inform the president."

He didn't care.

But it was brilliant to dig in and ask, and when he sighed, she obediently told the whole story.

The only thing she could say is the events that happened to her.

She had no idea who the person was that caught her, why they did that or anything else.

If she looks at the PDA, she may know who sent the email.

"Oh! By the way, my PDA..."

She reflexively searched for the PDA with her eyes, but she remembered it immediately. That was. She dropped it when she was trapped.

Looking at Fushimi, she silently pointed to a small white locker next to the bed.

On top of that, the PDA had a miserable look where the glass cracked.

"Oh… is it broken…?"

"It was under the warehouse. It won't turn on for now."

"Is the data inside messed up?"

"Come on. I could get it out, but now it's no use."

"I see. That means it is impossible to confirm the sender of the email at that time."

When she said that, Fushimi shrugged, "Even if I can confirm it, is it really useful?"

"Eh…?"

"Think about it. That email, silly, would you send it from your own email address? It could have been sent from a different email address or PC, with a free email address that looks like Yukizome's address."

"Oh, it's true."

"For now, listen to the nurse and we'll investigate if necessary. Anyway, rest until they pick you up. Don't move if you feel uncomfortable."

"Eh? Pick me up? Is someone coming?"

"A person has been contacted."

Fushimi said that and quickly stood up and turned around.

To who? She tries to say it, but as a result, she didn't have to ask. She immediately hears voices and multiple disturbing footsteps.

The moment she opened her eyes, the door swung open vigorously without a hook.

"Are you okay?!"

Immediately afterwards, a strong voice echoed through the room. She was relieved and pursed her lips.

"Ya-..."

"I was surprised! Saya-chan! What were you doing there?!"

"Konohana-san. Are you okay? What happened?"

"Eh? You don't know?"

She tilted her head for a moment, but... oh, it was true. She was able to explain everything to Fushimi a little while ago.

"I haven't heard it. I just found out that Konohana-san was taken to the hospital."

That said, everyone looked at Fushimi with a slightly complicated look. Yata too. Unusually, in the end (although he's usually the first person to run), he walked in and looked at her and Fushimi alternately.

"Oh, sorry. I'm sorry I made you worry..."

"It's okay. Konohana-san looks pale. Is it okay?"

Kamamoto worriedly distorted his face.

At the same time, Fushimi sighed. She was surprised and managed to get up.

"Konohana! Still..."

"Alright! Fushimi-kun!"

She ignored Kamamoto trying to hold him back and called after him back.

"Oh, thanks!"

"It is not a big thing."

That may be true for Fushimi, but not for her.

"I just wanted to thank you. What would have happened to me without Fushimi-kun?"

"......"

"Thank you very much for your help."

When she tilted her head, Fushimi looked at her over his shoulder.

"I will inform the director."

But he didn't say anything else, just clicked his tongue. Fushimi said that with a voice without emotional intonation, passed between the members of the red club and Yata's side, and left the hospital room.

For some reason, Yata painfully distorted his face as the footsteps receded.

"Are you okay?"

"What happened?"

"Idiot. Look at Saya-chan's face."

"Oh, that's right. You shouldn't speak now."

"First of all, you must rest. What do you want...?"

As soon as they couldn't hear the footsteps, they all circled her bed and spoke.

She was so happy that she laughed saying "I'm fine." But why? Only Yata was standing in the doorway and he didn't try to get closer.

Yata was usually the first to arrive. Yata was worried, but now he stared at her with a distorted face.

"Yata-kun?"

She instinctively bows her head in a way that seemed unreasonable.

Then Yata bounced his shoulders, then gritted his back teeth tightly and stared at her.

Yes. He literally looked at her, as if he couldn't forgive himself.

"Yata-kun?"

"What were you doing with the monkey here?"

His cold voice took her breath away.

The large eyes of him looking at her burned in a fiery flame.

"That...?"

"You said you would help out with the class. Was that a lie?"

There was no way they would say such a thing to him. She was surprised by his unexpected words.

The blood faded.

With a strange feeling, she believed it to be true.

Oh, after all, that was not good.

"Hey, Yata?"

"What are you talking about? Yata…"

Everyone tended to get confused and gave up on Yata.

But it seems that it was counterproductive. Yata distorted his face as if he was screaming, and screamed more.

"I'm asking you what you were doing with the monkey, you lied to me!"

"No, Yata-kun...?"

"You are a traitor too!"

Those incredible words got through her.

#k #k project #gakuen k #k wonderfull school days #yata misaki #fushimi saruhiko #totsuka tatara #kusanagi izumo #suoh mikoto #munakata reisi #homra #scepter 4 #kamamoto rikyo

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geniedocroe · 3 years

Text

CLOSE AS STRANGERS

(don malarkey X reader)

angst, potential fluff

wc: 4430+

you were very in love. in fact, you had been for quite a while. since your seventh birthday actually. it was a blur of memories now and you could just barely recognize it. thirteen years passed quickly. soon things began to change and the future you were seeing . . . it wasn’t very bright and happy.

donald malarkey (your best friend, soulmate, the person you were in love with) had always been very perfect in your eyes. there wasn’t much to despise about him. so you simply couldn’t. you couldn’t hate him. of course there were a few things that set you off. these were only little things though. for instance, when the two of you would share a milkshake or something of the sort and he’d accidentally drop it (he was fairly clumsy), or how he’d jokingly trip you (that ticked you off to no end), or when he’d notice everyone else but you . . .

despite these minuscule flaws you loved him. from his toes to the stunning freckles and ginger hair. he was as pretty as a picture. he truly was. you didn’t believe you were as pleasing to be around, but it was always a confidence boost when don politely asked your mother if you come outside for a while. you felt as though he cared when he did little things like that.

today was like any other. you sat on the front porch of the little house you had grown up in, reading a book.

you thought maybe that was why you weren’t as desirable as the other women in town. they all seemed so daft and boring. apparently these “men” didn’t appreciate someone who could use their brain. it frustrated you to no end.

your like any other day was actually very tedious. it was one warm day in june. your mother wouldn’t allow you to work because she encouraged you to attend college first, which you did, but it was summertime. there was not one thing for you to do. so half of your day was spent sitting on the porch, flipping through books you had appeared to have read hundreds of times.

the excitement bubbled throughout your chest when you saw a mess of red hair running your way. it was about time he had shown up. don ran through your front yard and up the steps. he stopped short of you, trying to catch his breath.

“good afternoon, ma’am.” the ginger managed to cough out with a very bad british accent. he never failed to try and turn anything into a joke.

you looked up from your book with a soft smile. you responded in the same accent. “good afternoon, my good sir.”

“the weathers quite alright today, isn’t it?” he questioned, sitting beside you on the swing.

“i guess it is looking rather nice.” you gazed towards the sky. immediately regretting your decision to be blinded by the sun, you blinked at him, seeing colors.

“nice enough for a walk?” don asked, dropping the accent.

you grinned, gently shutting the book before standing to enter the house. “let me ask my mother.”

“you’re twenty years old!” he called after you as the screen door slammed shut. your laugh could be faintly heard.

don gave a soft little chuckle at the sound of your own laughter. he thought it was quite musical. everything about you screamed peace. it was like tiny birds helped you get dressed in the morning, or mice aided you whilst cleaning the house. you were some sort of sweet dream. something that he didn’t even know he wanted, someone he didn’t know he needed.

he may have been smart at times, but he was completely oblivious to your feelings and his own. you hadn’t made it extremely obvious that you were infatuated with your best friend. however, you dropped a subtle hint every now and then. don would just seemingly dance around it, but after some time you realized he didn’t even know how love-struck you were. in fact, you didn’t think he shared that very same feeling. you didn’t think he even had a minuscule bit of that feeling.

don sure felt something, but he thought it was just nerves. his chest felt loose and fuzzy, his stomach seemed to have joined gymnastics, and he just couldn’t seem to stop wringing his hands when you were near. he didn’t hate the way it felt, then again he certainly didn’t appreciate it either.

seconds later you reappeared, slamming the screen door shut behind you. there was a distant yell within the house. don looked up at you with innocent eyes.

“she said yes, of course.”

he stood up with a grin plastered over his freckled face. you bounded down the steps with your dear friend in tow. as the two of you stepped onto the sidewalk, he looped his arm through your own. you appreciated this dearly. it was as close to holding hands that you were gonna get, but it was casual enough where people didn’t ask you too many questions. this action had also made you feel safe. like the two of you were just out of arms reach.

of course you never felt unsafe in don’s presence. you weren’t incapable of protecting yourself, he was just your knight in shining armor. don was there and you would never force him to leave.

“what book were you reading?” don asked, gazing over at you, taking you in as if there was no more time left in the world.

“the wonderful wizard of oz. i cannot tell you how many times i’ve read that book.”

don thought for a moment before replying excitedly. “do you remember when we saw the movie and you dumped that bucket of popcorn on that poor guy? his face is fried into my brain. that was truly one of your best moments.”

“i live to please.” you sighed, throwing up your free arm. “you know what i still can’t get over? how amazing judy garland is. like truly, she is perfect i think.”

“she may be judy garland, but she doesn’t have a thing on you.”

you ducked your head away as your cheeks began to grow warm. a little voice in the back of your brain was screaming at you to just tell him before it was too late. you didn’t know how much time you had left or what girl was going to come and steal him away before you got the chance.

the rest of your walk continued it silence. the empty moments were filled with tranquility. don felt as though he wouldn’t be able to experience times like this for a very long while. all he wanted was to be around his best friend. all he wanted was for you to understand. for you to hug him and tell him that everything would be alright in the end.

approaching “your spot” on this day was unlike any other. it was a beautiful maple tree in the middle of a field with one ancient looking tire swing. not a lot of people knew about this place so it was perfect to get away. to just be the both of you. this was your safe place. you loved it here. you practically grew up here.

you could faintly remember the moment everything changed for the two of you as best friends. the moment you fell in love. you wondered if don remembered it better than you did. you wondered if he even thought about it at all. because to you, it meant the world.

“hey don, can you promise me something?” you asked, hanging upside down from the tire swing. you struggled for a moment before jumping down.

“i’d promise you anything.” he smiled at you as you sat down beside him. the two of you leaned up against the tree, looking out over the field.

“promise we won’t ever be like my parents. that we’ll always be best friends. cause, my parents have no friends and i always want you around.” you wrung your hands together nervously.

“of course we’ll always be best friends. i promise.” he stuck out his pinky to you and you accepted graciously. “oh! i have something for you.”

don pulled his hand away to grab something in his front shirt pocket. the look he had on his face said everything. the excitement had built up at this point. in his hand was held a small chain with a locket hung securely on it. he handed it to you and watched as you inspected it. engraved onto the silver was “forever in my heart” with two tiny roses.

“wow, don!” you gave him a huge grin as he secured the necklace. you threw your arms around him, hugging him tightly. you spoke into his shoulder. “i love it. thank you!”

“happy birthday.” he said fondly as he pulled away. he stared at you for a moment before he made an impulsive decision.

it was quick and it surely caught you off guard, but don pressed his lips to yours in a fleeting motion. you stood their wide eyed as you blinked at your friend with burning cheeks. don’s face was almost as red as his hair. and you were sure you had never felt this way before.

even at seven years old, you fell in love.

you plopped down beneath the tree without a care in the world. dust flew up as you disturbed the spot with your presence. don stood hesitantly beside the tire swing. his hand reached out to hang onto the rope.

looking out over the empty field sent a warm sensation from the tips of your toes to the top of your head. the sky seemed to stretch for years and the grass was as yellow as ever but that never stopped you from adoring it. the soft chirp of birds was music to your ears. how could you ever learn to loathe a place like this?

“i need to tell you something.”

you looked towards don. he fiddled with the rope for a moment before looking up at you. he didn’t expect you to already be gazing at him with puppy dog eyes. the sight of you almost made his eyes well up with tears.

“i’ll always listen. you know that.”

“i know. that’s why this is going to be so hard.”

as he sat down beside you, you began to think. with the war going on you weren’t very confident in what he was meant to tell you. half the men you had gone to school with had already enlisted or been drafted. it was only a matter of time before don would be leaving too.

there was a moment of silence where the both of you gazed out into the open field. you had to remind yourself that this was the place you loved and that don was your best friend. he wouldn’t ever intentionally do anything to hurt you.

“y/n,” don turned to you, placing a hand on your knee. “i’m being drafted.”

you blinked at him once, twice, then a third time. he stared back at you with sincere, innocent eyes. he prayed that you would understand. that this would all be okay and your friendship wouldn’t suffer.

whatever preparation your mind had done was no use. not a single person on earth was ever ready to face war. it didn’t matter how old you were or how many horrors you had seen. don would come out of the other side of the war as someone else. you knew he would. he would barely make it out alive. you didn’t want to know that person.

“i have to go.” you muttered, shoving his hand away from your knee.

immediately you stood with don following suit. he looked so incredibly hurt by your sudden movements. this was not the reaction he had expected.

a part of you was telling you to turn around and hug him one last time as you stalked off. you knew he was following close behind you but you were hard to keep up with. it was like a giant black hole had materialized in your chest and was beginning to consume all of your organs.

a hand grabbed your shoulder and you whipped around at an ungodly speed. the tears in your eyes were visible. you weren’t angry. don took a step back from you. he frowned at your reaction but still managed to choke out a sentence.

“this isn’t my fault, y’know. i wish i didn’t have to go.” he tried to reach for your hand but decided against it at the last moment.

“i just hope you make it home some day. you stay safe wherever you go, kid. good luck.” you gave a small smile before turning once again.

don was quite taken aback. you hadn’t called him kid in years. it was a joke that had died away after being used one too many times. then it became something you only called him when you were hurting deep down. he couldn’t fathom that this was one of those times.

as you quickly walked through the field you saw flashes of your childhood before you. the good, the bad, all of it. you love it here. actually, loved it.

over the next few days, you and don had absolutely no interactions. you strayed away from him and he felt hopeless. any time you saw him approaching you, you ran in the other direction. however, he never seemed to chase after you. neither of you knew what hurt more.

all don wanted to do was say one last goodbye. he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to see you again. there was some part of him that needed to see you but he couldn’t understand why. so, he left.

the day after don left you had begun to regret not going to see him. that black hole in your chest never subsided and you were afraid it was permanent. you had never gone so long without talking to him. the two of you had always been attached at the hip. if he never made it home . . . this silence would become your biggest regret.

your family looked at you with annoyance as you shoved the food around on your plate. you felt selfish to not want to eat but you truly weren’t hungry. you weren’t tired. you weren’t interested in anything. you had no motivation. it was obvious.

“what is the matter, dear?” your mother asked.

“nothing, mother.” you set down your fork, resting your chin in your hand.

“elbows off the table.” your mother instructed. you did as told. “it isn’t nothing, y/n. you haven’t spoke a full sentence in over a week. you haven’t left your bedroom. i haven’t even seen donald around here. are you ill? have the two of you gotten into an quarrel?” your mother questioned you with clear worry on her face. the rest of your family was silent. they looked at you curiously.

“i ain’t ill and there’s nothing wrong with don. he’s gone off to fight in the war. we won’t be seeing him for quite a while. we’ll be lucky to even see him again.” you huffed, studying the table cloth.

your siblings exchanged a glance. they didn’t understand the war. their naive innocent brains couldn’t comprehend why the war was being fought or why some people might not ever come home. you wished you could be as angelic as them.

“are you infatuated with that boy?” your father asked. mother elbowed him sharply in the side as your head shot up.

“infatuated?” you scoffed.

“let me tell you, y/n, military men are no good to marry. i like donald, but he’ll be completely gone after this war. they never come back home with a sane mind.” your father pointed his fork at you with a raised brow. “thought it will be such a same. he had a great future.”

“yes, because you’re such a great judge of character.” your mother dismissed her husbands opinion with a wave of her freshly manicured hand. “when he returns home you will dote on that boy. i’ve seen firsthand how much warfare can change a man, he’ll need all the help you can give him.”

you looked back down at your plate before looking up once more and scanning every face at the table. they stared at you expectantly.

“may i be excused?”

dear y/n,

i know we haven’t been on speaking terms and i’m sorry for that. i miss you so much. you are my best friend. your opinion means everything to me, but i hope you have tried to come to terms with my absence. it’s been over a year and neither of us have reached out to one another. that truly breaks my heart.

i’ve finished my training as a paratrooper. i’m sure you’ve never heard of that before. to put it simply, alongside the men i have trained with, i will be jumping out of airplanes with a parachute. it sounds terrifying, i know it does. however, i have trained with the best. you don’t need to worry.

i have met some amazing people during my training. it’s safe to say i’ve also met some insufferable individuals. there’s this guy named skip. he really became my best friend over the past year (of course no one could take your place). you would love him. he’s a great guy. super funny too.

my company consists of mostly good men. i don’t think i would ever say otherwise. they have to be extremely brave to want to jump out of an airplane. i have really gotten to know these men and i’m sure i’ve made bonds that will never break.

the beginning of my training took place in georgia. we ran up this mountain more times than i could even imagine. it was so painfully hot everyday. i don’t think i’d ever want to live there.

today i’m in a camp in new york. we leave in a couple days. we’re getting on a boat that’s heading over the atlantic ocean. i don’t know where we’re going or how long i’ll be gone. i’ve always wanted to visit europe, but not like this.

i hope you’re doing well. maybe you’ve graduated from school. maybe you have a great job. maybe you’re dating the best man you could find. maybe you have a kid. maybe you don’t have any of that. what a shame that’d be. you’re a real catch. you deserve anything and everything.

even if i don’t ever come home, i want you to live the kind of life that was always meant for you. find a new best friend. move on with your life. show everyone that you can’t be walked all over. don’t think that it’s all over because you won’t be seeing me again. in fifty years you could have everything you’ve ever worked for.

i miss you. i always will.

-don malarkey

dear y/n,

in about two days we will officially be entering the war. i’m terrified and i know i should be. i’m just trying to push through everything so that one day i will be able to come home.

there’s not much i’ll be able to say. i actually don’t know what to say. training has always been rough. they claim they want us to be the best. i secretly think they just want to see us struggle.

there has been a lot of difficulty over the past couple of months. despite all of this, there’s been the usual shenanigan. skip and our other friend alex, have dragged into some odd situations. i’m glad they do though. these are some memories i’ll hold close to my heart forever.

i still miss you. you never responded to my last letter. unless you did . . . perhaps i never got your response. i hope you’re doing great.

is there anything knew happening in your life? did you graduate? have you met any peculiar people? have you met anyone who’s completely changed your life? do you still go to that diner? i know you loved it there. i miss the milkshakes so much. are you working at all? do you miss me?

i pray that you will be able to respond to me. i’ll never know what my last letter will be. this could be it.

i miss you. i always will.

-don malarkey

dear y/n,

i still haven’t gotten a response. i hope you’re okay. i don’t know if you’re even alive. how horrible would it be if i was the one fighting in the war and you’re the one who’s passed?

this war is brutal. it’s horrible actually. i cant even explain how bad it is because those words aren’t even in my vocabulary. i’ve seen some really horrifying things. things that would make your hair curl.

we’ve lost people. good people. men with lives and families back home. people just like me. it just makes me realize that my days are potentially numbered.

i ended up getting into some trouble actually. a friend of mine and i had stolen a motorcycle. we went through the country in england and honestly i haven’t had that much fun in a long time. it was nice to let go and appreciate everything that was happening at the time.

if you are reading this, please respond. i need to know that you don’t hate me. or if you do hate me, i still want to know. i haven’t gotten many letters but every single one i get, i hope it’s you.

how are you? i really want to know. it’s been so long. are you okay? i miss you. i haven’t spoke to you in over two years. i’m sure something has happened in your life. something that has changed you completely. please respond, y/n.

i miss you. i always will.

-don malarkey

“hey mal!” skip called over to his friend who sat beside george luz.

don looked up curiously. skip, alex, john julian, and babe heffron stared back. they all shook furiously from the harsh weather of bastogne. taking the piss of conversations during their sad mealtimes were the only way to get by.

“who’s that girl back home that you’re constantly chattering on about?” skip asked.

“girl back home?” george echoed skip with raised eyebrows. “why have i never heard about this?”

don rolled his eyes as everyone looked at him with curious eyes. he had only ever spoke about you to skip. he hadn’t even told alex about you. i mean, what was there to say? you were only friends.

“i gotta hear this.” joe toye leaned forward to listen in.

“there’s this girl back home and she’s . . . she’s everything. you know, we were best friends. we grew up together. she hasn’t spoken to me since i told her i was leaving though. and – and i used to think i wouldn’t need her to just exist, but now without her . . . i feel like there’s a part of me missing. it’s horrible. she’s my best friend, y’know.” don explained. beside him george burst into uncontrollable laughter. skip and alex shared a look before cracking up as well. julian looked at babe with a confused expression. “why are you laughing at me?”

“sounds like you are in love with her, my friend.” joe nodded. george took a moment to try and regain himself but he burst back into laughter a second later.

“there’s no way. i’ve known her my whole life. i just - i just miss her, that’s all.” don pushed george away. the man was all but laughing in his face.

don felt like he was folding back into himself and pulling away from his friends. he didn’t want to bring you up and then get laughed at for your friendship. you hadn’t even spoken in years.

“you said you haven’t spoken in years?” julian piped up. don nodded. “well, why not?”

“i don’t think she wanted to face the idea that i wouldn’t be around for a while. she was pretty hurt. called me a name i hadn’t heard in years. i don’t blame her.”

“oh, so she’s in love with you too?” joe suggested and don gave him an incredulous look.

“i strongly doubt that.”

“you never know until you tell her that you love her too.” julian said.

“what the hell do you know about love?” babe snorted at the replacement next to him.

“i just think it seems kind of obvious.” julian shrugged. “he can’t realize that he’s in love with her and she could be in love with him and doesn’t realize it either. if the both of them can’t come to terms with it then the other would never know. so, they’ll both be suffering while they watch the other move on with their lives. might as well tell her now.”

everyone blinked at julian. for being so young and virginal, he spoke very wisely about love. he had more of a mind than don did. perhaps he would confess to you . . .

y/n,

i’ve never felt more alone. skip & alex got hit. they’re my best friends. i don’t know what to do. please tell me you’ll still be there when i get home.

-don malarkey

don,

i’m sorry about your friends. i’ll be here.

-y/n

dear y/n,

the past couple of months and years even have been extremely difficult. the war has changed my life drastically. it’s put me through the ringer. i pray it hasn’t done the same for you.

everyday i anxiously await the announcement of the japanese surrender. i cannot tell you how exciting that news was. the war is finally over. after years of all the pain and suffering for millions of people. of course, there’s still tons of rebuilding that will need to be done and there’s still so much that needs to be change. all i want to do is come home.

i hope you’re waiting for me. if you haven’t already met someone and started growing a life for yourself, i’d love to go out with you. you’re always the only thing i can think about. which is not good in a war.

i love you. i have always loved you. you mean everything to me and it’s hurt the both of us knowing that neither of us had said it sooner.

i’m coming home soon. i promise. i’ll be home before you know it. please don’t forget about me.

i miss you. i always have.

-don malarkey

#band of brothers #hbo war #easy company #donald malarkey x reader #don malarkey #donald malarkey #donald malarkey imagine #band of brothers imagine

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kingofthewilderwest · 3 years

Text

Tagged by @writingstellar! Good to hear how life’s going and holy crap I was just thinking about how it’s coming up 10 years since we met.

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag blogs you are contractually obligated to know better.

name/nickname: Haddock. King. Against my will, every other variation of fish-like things you can think of. King Fishy, Fishy, Fishface, Fishyface, Fish, etc.

gender: enby

star sign: 🖕

height: 5′ 2″

time: 12:27 AM

birthday: October 19

favourite bands: Flatt & Scruggs and the Foggy Mountain Boys, The Dead South, Old Man Markley

favourite solo artists: uhhhhhhhhmmmmmmm... get back to me on that. Can... can Beethoven count? C’mon I fucking have Beethoven music TATTOOED ON ME, we gonna make Beethoven count.

song stuck in my head: a combination of like six Flatt & Scruggs songs and covers rn, most prominently Colors. I have no idea why. I don’t listen to their late 1960s stuff as often, but I woke up and that song came to me with tenacity and wouldn’t let go.

last movie: What was the last movie I watched in my Bad Movie Night group? Was it Leo the Lion????? Oh gosh. That nightmare is the last movie I saw??? Dudes holy shit that movie was a special kind of awful, it was a horrible experience and it’s scarred me forever and [spoilers] why did you make the elephant canonically fuck the emaciated lion?!?!?!

last show: Flatt & Scruggs TV Show. Shut up. I like them. A lot. Hyperfixation gonna hyperfixate. And they’re actually really wonderful and personable to watch, in addition to making great music.

when did you create this blog? summer 2014

what do I post: on this blog? Well, it used to be an analysis blog for HTTYD and more. Now... whatever, but usually fandom-related materials for my favorite shows... Gravity Falls, Fullmetal Alchemist, etc.

last thing i googled: middle finger. to get that middle finger emote up there.

do i get asks? absolutely. sorry that I no longer respond to everything as I once did. I no longer have the time and presence of mind to get to all asks, and it’s no longer a priority in my life or major past-time. but I read all of them and appreciate all of them and really do try to answer peeps when I’m on here and in the mood! Thanks for talking with me so much!

why i chose my url: As a How to Train Your Dragon blog, I thought it would be the COOLEST thing to pick Hiccup’s title. I was in excited shock it wasn’t taken.

average hours of sleep: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’m sleeping a fuckton lately, like sometimes 10, but that’s not normal to me.

lucky number: 13, 19, 320.

Instruments: Yes. I have an entire sideblog dedicated to my banjo explorations and bluegrass/country music obsession, to rant and rave to like the 0.1 person who’ll see it. ;) Feel free to check it out... I try to make it accessible to like, anyone, even peeps with none music background left beef. Banjo is my latest instrument and I’m proud of how far I’ve come in less than a year and a half. Started on piano as a wee one, got good at it. Added flute and piccolo, got good at it, played semi-competitively at local/state events in high school. Added clarinet. Added viola and played that in college orchestra because it was the one thing I could get INTO orchestra on because they didn’t audition on it. Also own/play to varying degrees of skill or incompetence: pennywhistles, soprano recorder, khloy (Cambodian flute), khene (Southeast Asian pipe instrument), tro (Cambodian spiked fiddle), tro ou (Cambodian spiked fiddle), dizi (Chinese flute), shakuhachi, ukulele, guitar, fiddle, Irish flute, harmonica, didgeridoo, shit why do I feel like I’m forgetting some things. Uhhhhhh... in college I played some taiko, shamisen, and shinobue too? I dunno, just chuck a woodwind or a string instrument at me, and I’ll figure something out. Won’t necessarily be pleasant but there’ll be notes.

what i’m wearing: red pajamas. They have snowflakes on them. they are warm and comfy.

dream job: I know it’s hard work as hell, believe me, my fam’s been in it, but seriously? transitioning to agricultural work. I’m an old-fashioned ass at heart and, as much as my work has serious perks with a flexible schedule, I hate how much of my life is spent on a screen. I’m happiest working with my hands, and I’ve got a green thumb.

dream trip: Dammit, I have to pick ONE place??? fuck that shit, I want to go everywhere, I have bucket list countries in every continent. shit. uh. how about Norway because that’s the home of my ancestors.

last book i read: I’m currently reading three right now. the last one I finished is an obscure Country Music history picture book from the 1960s. Oh hey wow did the bluegrass hyperfixation appear again? WOW YOU BETCHA IT DID. Uff-dah.

favourite food: I’m going to just say a fucking cuisine rather than narrow it down to one dish. Thai food.

nationality: United States American.

favourite song: Foggy Mountain Breakdown. Yes. Flatt & Scruggs came up again. Get used to it. I have fucking had Flatt & Scruggs appear multiple times in my dreams. I have fucking had Flatt & Scruggs more in my dreams than some of my irl friends.

top three fictional universes: Mass Effect, Fullmetal Alchemist, Gravity Falls

gonna gently tag (no pressure!):

Okay I am sleep loopy so I cannot think of names rn but I might reblog and tag later with peeps because I always like poking friends.

#meme #blabbing Haddock #long post #about me #my life #music #that banjo business

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weirdo-with-a-nametag · 3 years

Text

Brain is tv static with random frames interspersed

Think I'm like. Really stressed and jumping between topics to try and find something that helps / feels good

Topics:

Anyone know a good health tracking app for adhd people? I want one that like pops up when you open your phone, maybe? But is unobtrusive. Like maybe you just rate your mood or whatever when you open your phone, and it closes, and you go about your business. I just hate every app and paper method I've tried but really want to track some stuff

Pigeon. ? Pigeon as pet?

Service animals re: cats, pigeons, my cat specifically, and then also ESAs and also what to use as treats while training my cat (he's pretty happy to learn behaviors with praise and pets as reinforcement, but treats would make everything move much faster, but I haven't found something I want to give him so we've just been y'know. Chillin)

Service animals re: what tasks can my pet potentially do that would help me? I don't really know a lot about service animals and there is a Huge range. If anyone has suggestions, or places to read about it, I'd appreciate it! Mostly thinking they may help with anxiety, sensory, and mobility/fatigue related stuff. Not much of a need for medical alerts.

Bioactive enclosures for my snakes, need to research their biomes and make progress on designs and equipment specifications

Also. Hit a seriously hard patch and haven't been handling them much at all this month so that's not great

Casting stuff. Saw jewelry today made of metal casts of claws, skulls, etc, and they were really well done and made me want to do that

Some taxidermy / vulture culture stuff I won't get into right now

Puzzles????

How to organize my room

Need a shower

Need to organize bathroom

So Much Schoolwork

Uhhhhh trying, but not making much headway, to figure out how I want to do my music collection. Also really need to clean my records..

Make?

Food??? Ew.

Dental hygiene ://

Plampts. So many. Houseplants need maintenance, many need repotting. Keep taking in people's problem plants and like, they're doing better, largely, after being trimmed and watered and whatnot, but need repotting. Also need to trim some aquarium plants.

Also need to put water in tanks. And spray nepenthes.

Laundry.

Gotta pick up trash in my room. There's so much. Everywhere. Why.

Schoolwork. I'm so behind. So, so stuck. Kind of feel like I'm dying.

Going on a picnic tomorrow. Have to figure out what still needs doing for that, probably need to go to the store.

Leo needs water. I'm so....ugh, I'm trying so hard, but it feels impossible. I do my best to take good care of my pets, and I think they live pretty good lives most of the time, but sometimes I get like This and completely drop off the face of the earth and then like, wake up or whatever and two weeks have passed by and I have not cleaned a water bowl! That's a serious problem!!!! I do not know how to combat that, really, besides more reminders. Having someone around who is willing to like, help, when things are especially hard, would be great, but I don't live with my partner right now and do not feel like I can ask anyone here for that. But I can't put my animals at risk. I check on them every day, and if their bowls are dirty I do take them out and clean them, but sometimes (like now) i cannot get myself to do it without a pressure like a dirty bowl, or a feeding day. And like, it's really important that they have clean water. I'm talking to myself here but like, if anyone has advice. Please. With the tank redesigns and upgrades, the bowls will be more accessible, which will help because one of them is very heavy at the angle I have to pick it up, and another requires moving a lot of branches and is best to take out while the snake is out (this is Leo) which is fine because I love my boy, but adds time to the process, and makes it harder to start, you know? Maybe if I just got more bowls - I could take the bowl out and immediately replace it, fill the new one, and replace the decor and snake, and then clean the bowl as a separate task? That would be easier for my brain. Currently I have a Specific bowl I prefer to use for each tank, and then everything else is Just In Case, but I mean. Acquiring extras is something I want to do anyway, and it may help with several problems, so. Yeah. I'll try that. But also, any other ideas, guys?

Anxiety: can't stop picking at my face, skin, nails, cuticles, scalp, pretty much everywhere with callouses, also scratched a mole off my face, which is something I've been trying Not to do for a while, so that's...not great. Can't find my earmuffs, and also all of my headphones are painful? Ears are really sensitive lately.

Been playing a lot of Moth Game (flutter: starlight if you wanna be friends say hey I don't know how to do it but would enjoy talking about moths if nothing else. The game is just like, an idle ish collecting game with cutesy versions of different species, and very little actual information, but it's still fun, and if anyone else is on there and also Into Moths like I am, hiiiii) and like it's fun and cute but also greatly impacting my productivity, and raises my stress levels during events, which is most days, so the game has. Not been helping. But I can't stop because then I'll miss Exclusive Moths.

Anyway. Had baklava and two mugs of Thai tea today and the sugar has made me nauseous.

Trying to journal. Hurts to write. Also takes too long. Also my handwriting is very bad. But typing is..not as good

Want to draw. Thinking about drawing cats

Plants again! Want to make seed bombs, have seeds, have most of the other ingredients, just need to put em together, basically.

Really sad :(

Or am I?

Weird noise coming from dining room?

Birds. Spent half an hour at least on the deck tonight listening to a hundred different bird calls (literally) to identify one I was hearing, it was a pine siskin, which I checked early on but the recording was bad and I didn't realize which call was identified. Anyway, cool to put a name to a face, so to speak.

Need to practice for ASL

So much.....to do...

Only had like >3 hours of work this week which was not great because money, but also like I'm really feeling those 3 hours....

My cat is basically refusing to come into my room? Which is very strange and I'm worried something is Off but cannot figure out what. Also means less cuddles which means I'm sad.

It feels strange whenever people follow me, the attention is nice but I have no idea what content y'all are here for. So to everyone: hi, enjoy, hope my random personal posts aren't a surprise to anyone who followed for like. News reblogs and informational stuff.

Do I even have it in me to..be successful in school? Should I drop out of college? I'm struggling really hard and do not feel like I'm building on the skills I need to continue, so like. Uh.

My dad is being. Abrasive.

Mom and grandma are very angry lately

Housemate is also angry, about things i thought we were on good terms about, so I am stressed because like,, are we okay?

Can't find my eye mask :(

Yoga? Like...restorative yoga? Need to track down my PT stuff. And. Do it.

Need to put the stickers on my license plates....oops...

Still haven't found my antidepressants! Yay!

Do I want to store my stuff in open bins, or with lids? Which stuff needs spill protection and stacking capability and which stuff needs easy access?

How to earn money without..chaos

Gotta go to the pet store tomorrow. Have to compile my list of pet store items i need. Uhhhhhhhhhh

Also I have an essay due tomorrow that I've barely started. So. Wooooooo

Kt tape for supporting arches / inner ankles? I keep messing up my ankles, and part of it is walking wrong because I don't have the energy to engage the muscles in my feet/legs right to like, avoid injury, and part of it is I just need new shoes inserts. But i wear slippers a lot and they do not have arch support and it hurts. PT to help with this also but Where Is It

Family can't seem to get dish soap I can use, so I've just been having to avoid washing anything by hand, or being in the general kitchen area while anyone uses the stuff, which has led to more of my dishes sitting out, and more conflict over dishes. Lovely.

How hard is it for parents to learn they have to respect boundaries? Very hard, apparently. And you're supposed to just sort of remind people, and explain, over and over and over but like at this point my self worth is actually pretty good and the lifetime of proof that they do not want to listen? That's making me want to stop trying. Like, if you're not going to respect my boundaries I'm just not going to involve you in my life. I'm not talking to my dad right now because of this. Maybe I'll decide to lay things out to him, again and again and again again, maybe not. And I'm comfortable saying that's on him.

How to drink water

Am I dehydrated or are my hands just completely callous now. My fingertips have such hard skin. Why? It's uncomfortable. This is part of why I've been biting them.

Also testosterone. Been having a lot of trouble doing my shots, because anxiety and physical freakouts, but also not feeling super urgent about it. Which I'm realizing may be a sign i need to look at the effects so far and the possible effects of continuing, and see what they make me feel. It's possible I'm where I want to be as far as T, and don't really want to stay on it. A big thing for me is a deeper voice, so it seems time to take a look at whether I like my voice where it is or want to see if it'll drop any more. Etc etc

Miss my lil sisters

Saw a lot of cool rocks today. Huge (like hand sized) ammonite for $28. May go back and buy one because. Wow.

Want to plant food plants

Also my natives. Whole garden plot standing empty with a bunch of stuff waiting in nursery pots, needing to go in the ground. Because I can't get out of bed. Love that. Stuff is dying out there, I'm dying in here, there's a poetry to it and I do not want to romanticize suffering so I will say this: I brought a Bucket full of moss home a month ago and planted it and now go outside sometimes to drench my moss and it is very rewarding because the stuff is just so green. Incredible. When the rest of my plants are finally in the ground, that feeling will only intensify. But, for now, the moss is very nice.

Made a glow in the dark bead lizard from memory during therapy yesterday, and I love him. Also, still struggling with bringing up autism and psychosis topics with my therapist. Still very worried about. Things. Would like to get a new person? But sometimes she is helpful? And we have a routine. It's very hard to break the routine. Maybe I can set some time aside during the summer, to figure out what to do there.

Term ends in a couple weeks. The task of catching up, of passing, seems impossible. I really need to pass my courses. I'm on academic warning, because my GPA is lower than it should be, and if I can pass all of my classes this term I can get off academic warning but otherwise I'm not sure what will happen to my financial aid.

My phone is playing the same 50-100 songs on shuffle and I don't even particularly like most of them and it is very strange

Got my face wipes! Hooray, i can wash my face again

Been eating too much sugar in general. It's making my joints hurt more, and the nausea

Pet a dog the other day. I miss that. It would be really nice to have a dog in the house again. The exuberance, the cuddles, the tail wagging, the walks... I'd really like that. Maybe once I'm out in my room, tanks and catio built and everyone is situated, I'll look into getting a dog instead of a cat next. Was planning on holding off in case I'm not physically able to take them out on walks and such, but I've been pretty successful at doing this job, and I think that my main hurdle for walking really is motivation. Dog walking is a strong motivator for me. Best to start by fostering, or just do Wag, for a while though. I'm feeling overwhelmed with my current responsibilities, and here I am talking about getting a dog. Good job, me

How do you get wax off of somewhat water soluble rocks? My housemate broke my lava lamp on some of my rock collection and I am not sure how to get some of them clean without damage.

I am...pretty sure there are collared doves nesting over my room but it seems they're less common around here than I thought? But they are..pretty distinctive. Like if I'm wrong, what are those birds. Some very distinctly colored feral pigeons? Who are nesting here, in a tree, without their flock, and who happen to have pretty much the exact same pattern?

Probably should go to the dollar store and get some bins for organizing

Been wanting to keep a bin by the door and stock it with stim/fidget stuff people can just .have ..like extras of some of my favorites and other things i can get ahold of, to offer to my friends who haven't really had the chance to explore the world of stim toys

Hands are really just not doing great the last several weeks. Arthritis type pain cropping up more and more in all the little joints, making it hurt more to write, type, or just use them for whatever. Coordination isn't great because of that distraction, and because my hands/arms are slow to respond and kinda weak. Most people would say I'm not using them enough but I've been doing 15ish hours of manual labor per week, so maybe it's the other direction? More water would help. If only it wasn't so heavy.

I haven't taken a single shower since I started my job. Which was March 29th. That's not great.

Practiced parallel parking today. 10/10 still very bad at it.

Having anxiety that my friends think I'm lying about things, faking, and are watching me to see if I'll slip up. So that sucks. Can either talk about that directly or indirectly, or just shut up about those things until I can get my brain under control again. I'm not sure right now if the reassurance would work as a reality check or make me believe it more, right now, so might hold off on the talking bit for a little while.

Saw, smelled, picked a couple pretty roses. Good times

At this point I'm just trying to list all my thoughts so that maybe I'll be able to sleep and not worry I'll forget

My mom has put her spider plant on the deck, and it has maybe five living leaves. I have no idea how she killed such a well established spider plant, the last time I saw it it was so happy. Did she stick it in a corner and forget to water it? Whatever happened, it is now in the Plant ER, so hopefully I'll be able to...help get it on the up and up again

Leo is such a pretty noodle. He's so pretty. He's posing. Hi, baby boy.

Oh, he saw me moving around and decided to come say hi. Sorry little man, i did not mean to disturb you. Please resume lounging. I can't bring you out right now, I'm trying to sleep.

Also, terrariums. Water features. Need to ask. Someone. The one who was making that super cool garter snake enclosure and blogging the progress? With the lazy river and pool? About maintenance on that kind of setup. My milk snake really enjoys water, and I'd love to put a water feature in his tank. But I'm unclear on how to keep it clean, or honestly where to start. Don't want any huge falls or anything, though it actually may not make the humidity too high if I did maybe a small drip wall into the pool? That seems like something he would enjoy, and a good way to support different types of plants. But like, that's the thing, it's bioactive and I haven't done that before and no amount of research is ever enough.

Oh, Shogun has a dirt hat. How cute. I love when they do that

See, this is the thing. My snakes make me so happy. All three of them are actually hanging out where I can see them from my bed right now, and it's really nice. I want their lives to be the best possible, and I think I have the resources to do that. Which is so exciting. Now if only my brain and body would cooperate. It would hurt quite a lot to have to re-home any of them, but the most important thing is their health and quality of life, you know? If I can't get my act together somewhat, it may be that one or all of them would be better off with another keeper. I don't know. It's just, i talk about all these tank ideas and all this husbandry standards stuff but how much of it actually gets applied to my own animals whose lives are in my hands? How well am I caring for them, really?

Oh!!! My red thread! I thought that was gone forever.

Anyway, please do not worry. My snakes are healthy. I pay attention, and watch for signs of illness, and they're okay. There will always be places to improve, and the water is a big one, but most of the time i change their water out frequently, I'm just worried because of bad depression and fatigue times, you know? I'm working on making the most self sustaining systems i can, in part so that I am sure they'll be okay if I mess up sometimes. Just saying this because I hope you guys don't feel like you need to worry about the welfare of my pets. They're okay, i just always want better for them, is all.

Anyway, the sun is coming up and I should probably go to sleep. So uh, thanks for reading, if you read all of this randomness, and if anyone has thoughts or advice on anything in this post, i would welcome it! Good night!

#mine #long post #snakes #pets #food m #uhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever else needs tagging

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a-pretty-nerd · 4 years

Text

Rebellion

Tomura Shigaraki x AllMight!Daughter!Reader

Chapter 2

Premise:

When The League of Villians discovers that AllMight has a daughter, they are quick to snatch you up and hold you hostage. Shigaraki had a careful and thought out plan, but that was before you got there. Now you're in the mood for some not-so-healthy rebellion.

Word Count: 1,567

Warnings: Kidnapping, mommy/daddy issues? Fictional politics? Future chapters will include NSFW content and violence!

A/N:

I cannot describe how much fun I'm having writing this. Like I'm genuinley having a blast with this concept. The more I learn about Shigaraki for, "reseach purposes", the more I fall in love with him as a character. He's so complex, that character development, GOD! That charactet design, FUCK! The exploration of the complexities of mental illness from trauma and grooming, DAMN IT! He's becoming an anti-hero and I 👏 AM 👏 HERE 👏 FOR 👏 IT👏 Anyways, Don't forget to check out my Patreon! ❤

Chapter 1 Chapter 3

You passed out again. Dehydration.

You woke up in a sleeping bag. Your wrists and ankles bruised slightly from the restraints, but free. You laid there on the floor, looking over you noticed a few bottles of water and a granola bar. You took down one bottle in a matter of seconds before discarding it and starting the next. A horrible aching pain in your head raged on as you took in your surroundings. Light trickled in between the cracked of the barred-up window.

Your heart began to race as you began to sort through your options. Could you manage to escape through the window? Or were you on a second or third floor? Maybe if you asked to use the restroom, maybe there was a window there where you could get a better look.

Poor All Might, he must be so worried. Did even know you were missing? Of course, he knew, it wasn't like you to be out all night and gone in the morning. He'd probably called Mom by now, she's probably on a plane already. She's going to be furious.

After you finished a second bottle and the snack, you stood. You felt better. Not good, but better. You made your way to the door and knocked.

"Hello! Is anyone there?" You called.

"The doors open!" A new voice answered. The door let out a harsh creak as you opened it. It let out into the living space you had been in before. There, the majority of the villains surrounding you earlier sat around. You looked up to the figure that stood, leaning against the wall closest to the door.

"You're new." You mumbled.

"My apologies, Miss. I believed I was absent when you first arrived. I'm Mr. Compress." His sing-song voice reached out from behind a mask.

"A pleasure." You groaned back. "Why is the door unlocked, aren't you afraid I'll break free?" You asked the room. They all turned to look at you.

"I doubt you could fight all of us at once." The red-eyed man had the hand again.

"Bathroom?" You asked. Mr. Compress pointed you in the right direction and you walked off. The only window in there was way too small and too high up to help you. You finished your business and washed your hands before looking at yourself in the mirror. You looked tired and worn out.

You shuffled back into the living room and found the group lounging around. A Tv played the news non-stop. A few of them were passing the time by playing games on devices.

"I'm sorry...Who exactly are you?" You spoke to the room.

"Wow! You really are clueless!" The girl mused.

"Don't you follow hero news?" Patchwork asked. You shrugged.

"I never really paid attention to what was happening over here. All I know is what Dad has told me. He's mentioned 'The League of Villians' a couple of times, but I guess I wasn't listening. Hero news back home is, different."

"You know of All For One, don't you?" The red-eyed man asked without taking his gaze off the Tv.

"Yeah. You're his associates, or something aren't you? Like his henchmen?" A few chuckled.

"You can call me Toga!"

"Twice!"

"Spinner."

"Dabi."

"'Henchmen'...hehe. No, I wouldn't say that." Red-eye stood and began making his way closer and closer, holding a bottle of water in his hand. Careful to hold a finger away from it. "There is nothing I hate more than heroes. This wretched society that rewards such self-serving narcissists." Closer. "We seek to destroy it." Closer. You're backed against a wall now. You watched him place his last digit down on the bottle. It began to crumble before shattering to dust in his grasp. "My name is Shigaraki Tomura. You can consider me, All For One's heir. The future King of Villians." He came so close the wrist of the hand on his face rested dangerously close to your chin. His red eye stared down at you. Your heart raced.

"Oh yes. I've heard of you." You whispered.

"Good." He hummed before turning back and taking his seat again.

"How could you let this happen!?"

"I didn't know this would happen! She's strong, she's an adult now! I thought she could handle herself!"

"She's just a kid! She could be dead by now or worse!" Your mother cried. Her fists firmly slammed on the table where your father sat. Policemen and detectives scattered about the apartment. When you hadn't returned after a few hours, All Might went down to the gym. He found your bag, but no sign of you. First thing he did was call the police and then your mother. She arrived less than 24hrs after receiving the call.

“Please Ms. L/N, we’re doing everything we can. We’ve got the best team in Musutafu looking for her.” Detective Tsukauchi was the second person he called. He felt better knowing his friend was on the case, he had faith that if anyone could find you, it was Tsukauchi.

“Everyone knows if a victim of kidnapping hasn’t been found in the first 24hrs its hopeless! How could you be so sure about this?”

“I understand your frustrations ma’am, but we already have reason to believe we know who took her, and motive. At this rate, we’re just trying to track down their location.”

“Its the League isn’t it? They’re using her to get to me aren’t they?” Your father sulked in his chair. His eyes fixated on his hands which sat in his lap. He shook with fear, rage, disappointment, all targetted at himself. He took sole responsibility for your kidnapping. Your mother fumed across the table from him, arms crossed, and nails digging into her arms.

“Don’t beat yourself up, we’re going to find her,” Tsukauchi assured him. Your mother sat there, gritting her teeth as she gripped her phone.

“I have to go.” She spat as she got up.

“Huh!? You’re not going after her yourself are you?”

“No. I sent for Xavier, Y/N’s boyfriend as soon as I arrived. I’m going to meet him at the airport.

“Boyfriend? Y/N never said anything about a boyfriend.” Your father watched your mother walk towards the front door as she threw her jacket over her shoulders.

“Yes, well, there’s a lot about her you don’t know, Toshinori. I’ll be back.”

“What’s it like in America?”

Toga asked with a wide smile as you sat with them. It was odd, they seemed entirely unbothered by you walking around doing your own thing. The front door was right there, you could have made a run for it. You knew that was a bad idea. They knew, that you knew, that was a bad idea.

“Oh, it’s alright, I guess.” You sat on the floor against the wall beside her.

“I heard heroes work for the military there,” Dabi noted.

“Yeah, they are. Back home, heroes are organized into ‘Military aids’, or ‘police aids’. Meaning, if you want to be a hero, you have to choose between working for the military, or independent police forces. A lot of heroes go into police work because it allows heroes to be community-focused. But Military, that’s where the money is. If you want to be a hero celebrity, that’s where you work.”

“Yeesh, there aren’t any independent agencies?” Toga asked, pulling her legs to her chest.

“I guess the police offices work like hero agencies do here. It’s just a group of people who are authorized to use their quirks to ‘keep the peace’.” You used your fingers to create air-quotes.

“You don’t sound too keen on the idea.” She pointed out with a sly smile. You sighed.

“I know things seem bad here with heroes, but in America, it’s worse. The system was built so that people wish flashy quirks get the best out of life. It’s created a highly militarized country that only cares for those who have something to offer it. If you can’t serve your country, you’re considered trash.”

“I’ve seen the anti-hero marches online. Things seem really out of hand over there. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a league over there too.”

“It’s not anti-hero, it’s anti-military. If we could take away the idea that we’re supposed to serve the system, then heroes could be held accountable for their actions as individuals, not part of a flawed system. When you give these people so much power, they ultimately abuse it and leave the rest to rot.”

“You sound like a villain,” Dabi smirked. You sighed, having realized how loud you got. You were passionate on the subject. You spent your college years working to analyze and fight against the system. The system your mother so willingly played into and encouraged you to do the same. The system that killed your friend.

“Maybe here things are a little more simple. But back home not everything isn’t so black and white.”

“It isn’t here, either.” Shigaraki groaned from his place on the couch, facing away from you.

Taglist

@craftybean13 @babayaga67 @imjustverable

#mha #bnha #Shiguraki x reader #shigaraki x reader #Tomura Shigaraki #Tomura Shiguraki #league of villians #LoV

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moonbeambucky · 5 years

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Know It All

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader [College AU] Word Count: 5300 Warnings: fluff, minor angst

Summary: Your grades and patience are tested when you’re paired together for a class project with the one person you cannot stand, Bucky Barnes.

A/N: This is my submission for @jaamesbbarnes and @sgtjbuccky Milestone Celebration Writing Challenge. My prompt was “Looking for trouble, are we?” I cannot thank Sam @buckyofthemyscira enough for being a wonderful beta and helping me get on track when I was so lost with this and to Allie @all1e23 for her help with a plot conflict. My mind was working against me on this one but I hope it turned out well. gif source (x)

The brisk air of autumn winds fill your lungs as you stepped outside, energizing your body faster than the coffee you finished not long ago. Coffee was practically a requirement as a college student, a must for an early Monday morning class, especially when that class is calculus, taught by the nice but a little stiff and robotic Professor Vision.

Leaves crunch under your boots as you walk to the building for your next class. It’s a short distance away yet still you pick up your pace, huffing as you rush towards Lee Hall so you could get a good seat for your next class which happened to be your favorite.

If there was anyone more excited than you about American History it was Professor Coulson. You had first taken his introductory class a few semesters back and found he had an excellent way of bringing out new details to a subject you thought you were well versed in.

Naturally, when he was teaching another class you needed for your requirements you jumped on the chance at signing up. As you walked into the large lecture hall you glanced to the left, greeting Professor Coulson with a cheerful smile, a smile that dropped the moment you noticed someone was in your seat.

You stomped your way up the steps to get to the fourth row, stopping dead center at the incredibly annoying person you knew was testing your patience.

“Move Barnes, you’re in my seat,” you huffed, arms crossing over your chest.

A sly smirk spread across the face of Bucky Barnes, a person you could sum up in one word, slacker.

“I don’t see your name on this chair, doll.” He winked; a simple gesture that made your anger boil over.

Class was about to begin so you sat down, leaving a seat in between so you didn’t end up in part of MCU history as the girl that strangled a classmate during class.

Bucky was the only damper on an otherwise perfect class. He didn’t take notes, he didn’t participate and he didn’t ever study. If Professor Coulson called on him it was like Bucky had no idea what the class was even doing. He would always stutter as he tried to catch up, turning towards you as he sighed after successfully bullshitting his way through another question; which pissed you off even more, because despite an open lecture hall with plenty of seats Bucky Barnes chose to sit next to you.

It was obvious you were a smart student. Your hand raised every time to be called on, you took amazingly detailed notes and aced every test, which is why you had a feeling a certain someone decided his new spot would be beside you. Cheater.

If he only studied and gave a shit about his grades he wouldn’t have to try to copy off you. Well you made sure he couldn’t. During tests you hunched over your desk, curving your arm around your paper to protect the answers you spent countless hours studying for.

Throughout class you tried to ignore the eyes you felt on you, seeing Bucky’s goofy smile through the corner of your eye. He was not going to succeed in distracting you. Nope.

You were going to continue listening to this lecture about World War II and not at all think about the way Bucky’s bright white teeth stand out against the scruff of his face. He’s probably too lazy to shave just like he’s too lazy to study.

Bucky let out a chuckle when he heard you humph under your breath. His audible laugh caused you to whip your head in his direction, flaring your eyes at him before they rolled back into your head.

“By Wednesday I hope everyone will have read pages 346 to 403 just in case something pops up,” Professor Coulson said, smiling to the large hall.

Grabbing your laptop you placed it neatly in your bag, tucking away a small notepad you kept out just in case and made sure your pens were capped tightly before they went into their own separate compartment.

“Wow, you’re such a nerd.”

You looked up disdainfully at Bucky’s large frame standing over you.

“The world won’t end if you misplace a pen, you know.”

You don’t respond. Tossing your bag over your shoulder you walked down the steps, calling out to Professor Coulson with a big smile as you waved him goodbye.

“Later Phil,” Bucky said as he left.

You rolled your eyes again at his boldness. Sure Professor Coulson said you could call him by his first name but it still seemed inappropriate. Of course Bucky didn’t care.

As you continued walking down the hall, you felt a presence beside you.

“So, are you going out for lunch now or are you going to head to the library like always? There’s plenty of time in the world to study, you could take a little break you know.”

Your lips scrunched together as you frowned, picking up your pace as your feet took you faster to anywhere that was away from Bucky.

“You just gonna ignore me?”

Your fists tightened so hard they were shaking, itching to feel release if you could only punch the smirk off Bucky that you knew he had.

“Doll?”

You spun around immediately, pointing a finger in his face.

“I’m not your doll so stop saying that! Why are you bothering me? We’re not friends. Just stay away from me Barnes.”

Bucky remained in his place as he watched you turn the corner, huffing with anger. His lips stretched out flat, an uneasy smile that gave way to a small frown, wishing things were different.

Professor Vision rambled on for an extra five minutes and would not let the class go, meaning now you had to run to Lee Hall if you were going to be on time for your next class.

Beads of sweat ran down your temple as you finally got into the building, panting as you raced up two flights of stairs. Your heart was pounding like a drum against your chest as you attempted to catch your breath during the power walk to the room.

It was bad enough you were probably going to be late, with eyes on you as walk through the door, now everyone was going to see you looking like a sweaty mess on top of it.

As you pulled the door open expecting the worst you were surprised to find that no one was looking at you. Professor Coulson was addressing the class as he was discussing something he had put up on the large screen.

Even though you wanted to see what it was you needed to take your seat which was surprisingly open. Bucky was sitting in the same row a few seats away but he had left your seat open.

He couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face, watching as you anxiously got yourself in order. It was unlike you to be thrown off from your usual precision.

“Incredible Bucky.” Professor Coulson admired the photo. “Where was this taken?”

“After the Battle of Azzano.”

Your head turned towards Bucky as he answered, with a wide eyed stare of disbelief having never heard him speak in class before, not in a real class anyway…

Before your mind wandered somewhere you didn’t want to revisit you straightened up, finally looking at the screen. It was a black and white photo of a group of soldiers, arms thrown over each other smiling despite some visible injuries; a bandage wrapped head, cuts and scrapes along their faces.

“Can anyone tell me what happened in the Battle of Azzano?” the professor asked again.

Your hand naturally shot up, smiling widely as you were called on. “About 200 members of the 107th infantry were captured by the Nazi’s, with their Captain leading an unsanctioned rescue mission to free them.”

“Correct. It nearly got him a dishonorable discharge but instead his superiors believed his actions in saving lives of not only U.S. Military but British and French soldiers who were captured as well should be awarded with a special medal, the Shield of Bravery.”

Again you felt Bucky’s gaze on you and turning your head your suspicion was confirmed. His smile was soft as he stared at you, his eyes expressing a strange aura of... Joy? Pride? You’re not quite sure and honestly you didn’t want to find out. Your head stiffened as you set your own gaze forward to begin taking notes.

As promised Professor Coulson “surprised” everyone with a pop quiz, one you know you would have aced regardless of the day you spent studying.

“Okay class, time is up. Pass your quizzes forward.”

Rustling paper echoed throughout the hall as you added your quiz to the pile you were given, walking it over to the person that sat in the row below you a few seats to the left.

“I’m gonna let you all leave early…” the Professor’s sentence was interrupted by a roar of cheers. “...but first I want to give you a heads up for an upcoming project. The details are posted online. Let’s say it’s due in 2 weeks?”

A wave of groans echoed from the back of the hall.

“Alright, 3 weeks.” He smiled as the new date went over a lot better. “Let’s make this simple, whoever you’re sitting closest to is your partner, if anything is uneven just join the nearest group. See you all next Monday!” he said, closing his laptop.

Panic flooded your body like a tidal wave, crashing down and dragging you under. It was hard to breathe, realizing the one person you wanted nothing to do with was going to be your partner for this project.

Bucky wore a smirk that made you roll your eyes and groan.

“Looks like we’re partners.” You didn’t respond.

With deep breaths you put your things away and got up, exiting the room and savoring your final moments of peace. Bucky shrugged his bag over his shoulder following you out.

You pushed open the door to the stairway, a forceful shove as a final act of letting out the anger you felt for being partnered with Bucky.

“We might as well get started,” you said, as you began descending the stairs.

“Get started?” Bucky scoffed, “It’s due in 3 weeks. We have time, doll.”

You shook your head. Of course Bucky wants to be lazy and save everything until the last minute. Well, that’s not how you do things.

“Don’t call me doll, and just because it’s due in 3 weeks doesn’t mean we can’t start now. Plus I want to get this over with.”

Bucky skipped ahead to hold open the door for you. “Uh huh, you mean you don’t want to spend more time with me?”

His tone was light and playful as his face became almost cherubic, batting his eyelashes, his lips pulling into a sweet smile that was almost convincing if you didn’t already know him.

Your face twisted incredulously. “Why would I want to spend time with you?” You shrugged your long knit cardigan closer over your body as you passed him, stepping outside into the chilly air.

Bucky scoffed again, his patience beginning to run thin. “Please doll, you’d be lucky to spend time with me.”

“Yeah right!” you chuckled, walking aimlessly beside him. “Your little act didn’t get passed me today Mr. ‘I’m going to kiss the professor’s ass with an old picture I found because that’s a great way to distract him before a quiz.’ You know it would be a lot easier if you just studied!”

Bucky’s smile soured into a sneer. “Oh like you, Miss ‘I’m scared of letting loose and actually having a good time so I’ll drown myself in studying as an excuse to be a stick in the mud,’” he mocked with a higher pitch in his voice.

“You don’t know anything about me!” you snapped, stopping on the walkway to yell at him, ignoring the looks of curious students as they passed by.

Cocking his head Bucky smirked, “Actually I do. Maybe you pushed it down but I remember you. Drama 101 with Professor Laufeyson two years ago.”

His words carry you back to the open room, where a black tiered platform with more chairs than students sat across from a stage. It wasn’t very large but the burden of stepping on it sat like a boulder in your stomach.

You remember it vividly, standing in the center as the bright lights burned away your confidence. The words of your monologue became a scramble of alphabet soup in your mind. Terrified and shaking, you stood silent in front of the class until a meek apology croaked its way out.

Head hanging low with disappointment as you sat back in your seat, watching as the rest of the class did what you couldn’t do. You hated how acting came so easy to them; to be a different person, to let go. Bucky did that with ease.

You envied him and his ability to be free and act silly or speak with a weird voice. He could do whatever the role demanded and you hated it. You hated not being good at something, hated that you couldn’t get over your insecurities, and you hated that Bucky could do something you were too afraid to do yourself.

“He was begging you to break out of your shell but you couldn’t. Guess you can’t study your way to an A for everything.”

Tears burned their way to your eyes at the sharpness of Bucky’s words. “You’re a real jerk, you know that?” You had no other comeback, you couldn’t fight the truth.

Before you gave him the chance to say anything else you took off. Feet pounding on the pavement as you raced to get as far away from Bucky Barnes, the biggest asshole you’ve ever met.

Bucky didn’t show up the following Monday. It was a relief to not have to face him after the way you left things. Not because you cared about him; you were more concerned with hoping he didn’t see you cry.

His absence didn’t stop you from thinking about him. While trying to pay attention to the lesson you cursed Bucky out in your head. Cutting class… what are we in high school? What’s the point of paying for college if you don’t even show up? But he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anything.

On Wednesday Bucky strolled into class just as it began. He trudged up the steps stopping at the row in front of yours. You expected him to move towards the center in front of you but instead you watched him shrug off his backpack, slouch into the chair and pull out his laptop.

Throughout class you kept glancing over towards him. His screen remained blank, turning black after neglect as Bucky rested his cheek against his palm, elbow propped up on the desk. Go home if you want to sleep during class!

When class ended you saw Bucky waiting for you at the door. With a deep breath you prepared yourself for whatever he was going to say.

“Hey,” Bucky said with much less enthusiasm than usual. You stared at him, giving a silent acknowledgement with a raise of your brows. “I need your number.”

Your response denying his request shot out like a speeding bullet. You didn’t even have to entertain the idea. Giving someone like Bucky your number would be an invitation to middle of the night calls, pranks or worse.

“How are we going to work on the project then?”

“Work on the project? That’s funny,” you laughed dryly, shaking your head.

His brows furrowed and just as Bucky was going to speak again you cut him off.

“Forget the project Barnes. I’ll do it myself and you can slap your name on it. Let’s be honest, I’m sure that’s what would have happened anyway.”

Maybe it was a harsh truth but it was a truth you knew from experience. It would be easier to complete the work on your own and have Bucky stand up there when it was time to present. He shouldn’t complain anyway, this would be an easy A for him.

“You’re a real bitch Y/N.”

Your jaw dropped open as you turned to face Bucky. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, jaw clenching tight as his ocean blue eyes were set ablaze.

“Excuse me? How dare y–”

He lifted his hand as he began to talk over you. “All this time I’ve tried to be your friend, since Drama! I say hello, I ask how you’re doing and all you do is ignore me.”

As Bucky ran his hands through his hair he turned his head away from you for a moment and you could swear the light reflected a watery shine in his yes. “You hate me for whatever reason and I don’t know why I kept trying but you don’t know shit about me!”

He began to walk away before coming back. “For the record, that picture was of my grandfather. His funeral was 2 days ago but I guess you’re too much of a selfish know-it-all to give a shit.”

Bucky stomped away this time for good, leaving you alone in the hallway feeling like absolute shit.

After finally motivating yourself to move, your feet took you to the library. Setting up your laptop you decided to do a little studying, but instead of academics you focused on researching something unknown, Bucky Barnes.

Finding him on Facebook was easy. Last year you made friends with Peggy Carter during your shared anthropology class and she happened to be dating Steve Rogers, aka Bucky’s best friend. On Steve’s profile you searched for “Bucky” and surprisingly nothing came up. When you searched “Barnes” you saw his profile, James Barnes.

Well that was something unexpected. How did you not know Bucky’s real name was James? A quick glance of his profile doesn’t show much information seeing as the most recent post was a meme someone named Sam tagged him in over a year ago. Great.

Looking at Bucky’s friends you were more successful in finding the profiles of his family. His father George rarely posted anything except for some comments on baseball and a sweet picture of what had to be Bucky’s sister. Dressed in a cap and gown, she was surrounded by her parents and Bucky, holding a diploma in her hand. Must be high school. She’s definitely younger than Bucky.

His mother Winifred’s page was a goldmine of information. It was George’s father who passed away. Henry James Barnes, a decorated World War II veteran who earned a purple heart after losing his arm in battle.

She posted several pictures of Henry throughout his life; some with his wife and the large family they had, a newspaper clipping of him with his oldest son Charles at 1955 World Series when the Brooklyn Dodgers won and the one Bucky shared with the class.

Every picture told the story of a loving husband and father who became a grandfather many times over. And there it was. Henry sitting on a floral couch holding baby Bucky against him. It made sense, clearly Bucky was named after him, and based on the other pictures posted they were very close.

You felt compelled to learn more about Bucky, going through his mother’s old posts and photos to see what you might find and what you uncovered seemed unbelievable. Student of the Month. Honors Society. The Dean’s List. Bucky was… a good student?! No, not just good, he was an excellent student.

You sat back against the hard chair wondering why you judged Bucky as hard as you had. He had never done anything personally to you for you to hold a grudge, and as you thought about what he said earlier he was right.

In Drama he tried to talk to you, tell you it’s okay, to shake it off your nerves and go for it, but you brushed him off, twisting his kindness into a condescending lecture. Even in History, when he saw you had class again together his eyes lit up. He sat beside you, asked how you’ve been and you gave him the cold shoulder.

Everything you thought you knew about Bucky Barnes was wrong and you needed to find him to apologize. You walked around campus hoping to run into him but that was useless. Now you regret not exchanging numbers.

The need to speak to Bucky grew as the days passed. Studying was nearly impossible. You couldn’t think about anything except him. Then you felt it, that aha moment. You were looking for Bucky in the wrong place.

It took a bit of digging to find Bucky’s Instagram (thankfully Steve still had his connected to his Facebook) but there it was, his life on display through vibrant pictures. Coney Island at night caught your eye, from the bright lights of the rides and games against the dark midnight sky, to other pictures of the Brooklyn Bridge with a beautiful sunset glow.

Your lips tugged into a smile while looking at Bucky surrounded by Steve and a few other friends but when you came across an old picture of him obviously drunk your smile grew into a large grin that stretched across your face.

Bucky was a mess, with glossy eyes that didn’t quite focus, long messy hair sticking to his sweat covered brow and yet he had the brightest, cutest smile ever, all while clutching a Kermit the Frog plush.

The most recent photo was of him and his grandfather with a touching caption that made your heart do a funny flip in your chest.

The circle around his profile picture turned pink and suddenly you wondered if you should click on it. If you do, he’ll know you were stalking his page but there’s a chance his story could tell you where he is. If you don’t you’ll have to wait two more long and torturous days before you can apologize.

You wanted to stop, to let it all go and begin studying for the weekend but you couldn’t. You were wrong and needed to make things right.

Click.

It’s a photo of a beer bottle with condensation dripping down onto the counter top, a faint glow of red from the lights behind the golden bar. Thankfully he tagged the location, Starks.

Quickly you changed out of lounge pants and threw on some jeans and boots, grabbing the nearest jacket and wrapping a scarf around your neck. With your phone in hand you headed out to the bar, hoping Bucky would still be there.

There was a small crowd beside the entrance, people you would normally feel intimidated by but you pushed on, passing them without hesitation as you were determined to find Bucky. Rock music blared as your eyes scanned all the people sitting at the bar but Bucky was not one of them.

A man behind the counter with dark eyes and finely sculpted facial hair made eye contact with you, flashing a big smile. You nodded back, smiling but moving along. Drinks were the last thing on your mind, although if you didn’t find Bucky you were seriously considering drowning your sorrows in whatever libation would take your guilt away the quickest.

You were nearly ready to give up until you heard it, the sound of Bucky’s laughter. You followed it towards the back, seeing a row of pool tables with Bucky on the end. He was accompanied by Steve and someone with a contagious laugh and gap-toothed smile.

Watching from afar you were happy to see Bucky happy and joking with his friends. Apparently you hadn’t blended into the crowd well enough as Bucky lifted his head and caught you in the gaze of his blue eyes.

“Well, well,” Bucky began. Since there was no point in hiding you walked towards him. “Looking for trouble, are we?”

Your heart began to race and you weren’t sure if it was from the flirtatious tone in his voice paired with the smirk he would not stop staring at you with or the fact that he looked damn good.

A simple grey sweater has never looked better, stretched across his muscular frame you never quite paid attention to before. Dark jeans stretched over thick thighs that made your mouth water.

Swallowing a nervous gulp you asked, “Can we talk?”

Bucky turned towards his friends, giving a silent look they must have understood. Grabbing their drinks they left leaving you and Bucky alone at the pool table.

“Bucky, I–”

“Hang on,” he said, walking around the pool table to grab the sunken balls from the pockets.

You waited a little impatiently for him as he racked up the balls, wanting to get your apology over with.

“Okay doll, you want to talk and I want to play so we’re doing both.” He smiled, grabbing a pool stick off the wall and handing it to you. “So what’s on the line?”

Confused, you asked what he meant as you chalked up the end of the stick.

“Well, we have to play for something, doll.”

All you wanted to do was talk to him but if he wants you to play this game literally, then you would.

“Fine. If I win, you have to stop calling me doll.” You smirked, watching his face sour with dismay.

“Really doll?” Those big blue eyes became even bigger as he pouted feigning sadness.

“I said stop,” you warned.

He dropped the pout, pulling his lips back into a sly grin. “You didn’t win anything yet, doll,” he said, winking at your unamused face.

As Bucky chalked up the end of his pool stick he mulled over ideas in his head. “Now if I win I promise to leave you alone...”

Your brows knit together with confusion. Why would he leave you alone? It should have felt like a relief and yet for some reason it upset you.

“... but first you have to give me a kiss.”

All of your worries flew away with his finished sentence. “Excuse me? No. Don’t be creepy Barnes.”

“Okay, okay, relax doll.” He held his hands up defensively. “I didn’t say it had to be on my lips alright. A peck on the cheek is fine. Deal?”

For some reason you agreed, probably because you really wanted to apologize to him. Despite Bucky’s stipulation you felt really bad for how you’ve been treating him.

Walking past Bucky you took off your scarf and jacket, throwing them on top of his familiar leather jacket. You set yourself up to break, leaning over the table to adjust the position of the cue ball and Bucky couldn’t help but stare at your backside.

“Need me to teach you, doll?”

He pictured himself leaning against your body, his hands gently sweeping over yours guiding the pool stick in the proper position. The thought got him a little too excited and thankfully you couldn’t see the way he adjusted his stance, shaking off his desire.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” you asked rhetorically, hitting the cue fiercely and sending two balls in.

Bucky’s mouth was agape in surprise.

“You don’t know everything about me either,” you smirked playfully as you set yourself up to hit the solid balls you claimed.

Leaning against the wall, Bucky tried his best to hide his proud smile as you nailed the next shot. This game might be over way before he expected and quickly he thought about asking for best 2 out of 3 to keep you there longer. He didn’t even care about the kiss, he honestly wanted to keep hanging out. Thankfully you missed the next shot and Bucky took his time figuring out the best angle to try for with the cue’s current placement.

It was now or never you decided, wishing you hadn’t walked past the bar because liquid courage would really come in handy.

Clearing your throat you finally spoke up. “I’m sorry about your grandfather.” Bucky picked his head up from the table, his face dropping to a solemn expression. “It seemed like he lived a great life.”

A simple chuckle and Bucky smiled again. “You stalkin’ me doll?” His tone was light and then he dropped it again with a more serious thank you.

Bucky took a shot and missed but he didn’t care about the game. “I should apologize too. You’re not a bitch or a stick in the mud.”

Your lips pulled into a lopsided smile. “Thanks. Well I might be a stick in the mud,” you admitted.

Walking closer to you, Bucky leaned against the pool table. “No,” he disagreed, shaking his head. “Maybe more like a twig.”

He was happy to see you burst into laughter at his joke. This was the side of you Bucky had been waiting to see. He knew it was there, buried under the layers you built up in your quest to be a perfect student.

You continued to play, talking through the game as you got to know each other for real for the first time.

“I was so jealous of you in Drama. You were so carefree. I guess I twisted that in my head to think you didn’t give a shit about anything. I’m sorry.”

Bucky aimed to sink the next ball. “I do give a shit,” he said, striking the cue. “I study, but I have fun too.” He grimaced as the ball barely made it towards the pocket.

“I could probably take notes on that,” you replied.

“You would take notes. Where’s your laptop and your precious pens?” he teased.

“At home,” you chuckled. A wide smile spread across your face as you set up to take a shot.

“You look cute when you’re all smiley like that.”

The warmth of your cheeks intensified at his comment. Feeling your whole body begin to race you completely messed up the shot.

“You did that on purpose! You’re distracting me!” you grinned.

Bucky smirked, dropping his voice to a much lower octave, “Maybe I really want that kiss.”

You swallowed a lump that formed in your throat, urging him to continue playing. Things were close but a bad miss on Bucky’s part allowed you to hit the final solid ball, calling the 8 ball and sinking it.

“I’m gonna miss calling you doll,” he said, dropping his head down as his lips pulled into a frown.

“Considering I won I think I’ll let you continue calling me doll.”

His head picked up at your words, seeing the smile you wore that truly did outshine the sun.

“Oh, look at Y/N. She’s out having fun and breaking rules!” he joked.

Shaking your head, you chuckled, “Shut up Bucky.”

“Hey, I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said my na–”

You caught him off guard by pressing your lips to his but as soon as Bucky realized what happened you felt him smile against your lips, parting his own to kiss you back. His arms wrapped around your body as he pulled you closer, deepening the victory of his loss.

The crowd seemed to disappear as you lost yourself in the kiss, thankful that Bucky was holding you because you felt like a feather blowing in the wind. When you parted for air, you did so slowly, not wanting to separate your lips from his.

It may be true that you’re a bit of a know it all but now as you proudly fail at holding back a wide grin you realize there’s so much more to learn about your new favorite subject, Bucky Barnes.

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willddheartt · 4 years

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Just Another Shade Of Blue | JJ Maybank

Summary: You’re a kook, and somehow, you’ve become friends with the infamous Kook hater, JJ Maybank. For summer break your father is letting you take a trip anywhere, with whoever you’d like for a few days, as a “I’m sorry your mom and I are divorcing, but please love me” present. Who else would you take other than the one person who you think could use a little vacation from the outer banks?

Inspired By: If They Only Knew - Alfie Arcuri & Bittersweet - musicbyblanks

Warnings: angst(?)

Word Count: 3.3k

A/N: This was supposed to be a Rudy imagine/fic/one shot but I find it incredibly hard to write for real people so I changed it to JJ. I hope the ones who asked to be tagged in the Rudy one don’t mind the substitution but I was working on it for too long and nothing was working out how I would have liked so here we are with the same concept but inspired by a different song. This turned out way longer than I expected.

Masterlist

Tag List: @afterglowsb-tch13 @n1ghtsh4d3-67 @hucklebaefinn @milamaybank @marianas-studyblr

The last few months were not easy for you. Your parents had finally been filing for the divorce they threatened for many years, but that in now way made the fighting stop, if anything it made it far worse. Almost every night for the last month both your mother and father ended up in a screaming match downstairs over something small and insignificant. At first it was what college you were going to, then where you were going to live, and the cherry on top, how they weren't trying to control your life. Even though that was completely true.

Tonight was no different. Your mother was screaming at your father about how you should not be allowed to go off to a completely different country alone without a parent. You knew the trip was only even mentioned because your father wanted you to stay with him once the devorce was finalized, which you had no problem with but if you were getting a free trip, to wherever you wanted in the world, with all expenses paid and spending money, you weren't going to turn it down.

Although your father got lucky with investing into some real estate company and you now had more money than you knew what to do with, You had never been one for the Kook lifestyle. The thought of getting into places just because you had money was never appealing, and the thought of hanging around shallow rich people was something that sounded like the lowest ring of hell to you. You found comfort and friendship within the small family of Pogues. They didn’t seem to care about your social status, as long as you were there for them, they were there for you. Like tonight.

You’ve had enough of the screaming coming from downstairs, after climbing out of your second floor window you made your way to the lake house you have spent many nights at. The chateau was on the other side of the island but the walk was better than listening to your parents for god knows how long, they could go on for hours. The house was dark, no lights were on except for the one outside above the front door, it was light with a dim amber glow that helped guide you up the few stairs. You let yourself in, not bothering to knock seeing as the brunette who inhabited the home was probably well asleep by now. You weren’t surprised when you saw JJ sitting on the couch, he stayed with John B a lot, but you were surprised to see he still seemed wide awake.

“Hey,” You sighed, walking into the living room “What are you doing here, it's late?” The blonde asked, getting straight to the point. “Fighting again,” You shrugged, sitting on the couch next to the tired looking boy. “Divorce stuff or different shit?” “Kook stuff,” You shrugged, knowing he probably didn’t want to hear it seeing as how he couldn’t wrap his head around how people could have so much money and still have problems. “Shoot,” He said, surprising you.

With your eyebrows raised and eyes wide you turned to him, “Really?” The blonde shrugged, “Why not, got nothing better to do,” You nodded, “Dad said I could go anywhere I wanted for three days, all expenses paid and he’d give me however much money I wanted to spend on shit, as his way of saying ‘I love you please stay with me once the devorce is over’ and mom’s mad because she doesn’t think I should go to another country alone,” You sighed, crossing your arms once you had finished explaining. “Kook stuff,” You repeated. “Wow, you’re right. Kook Shit,” JJ chuckled You nodded, “I told you,” You thought the boy was just going to shrug it off, and move on because it was after all, kook shit, but he surprised you with what he said next. “You said she’s mad because she doesn't want you going alone, right?” the blonde asked “Yeah, pissed,” You nodded “Why don’t you take someone with you, I mean by the sounds of it your dad is going to give you whatever you want until the divorce is done,” The boy shrugged, “I’d take advantage if that if I were you,”

You thought about what he was saying for a second. In the first offer from your dad, he did mention you could take a friend, any friend, he didn’t say they had to be of the female gender. An idea popped into your head, one that was surely to piss off your mother further. “Do you want to come with me?” You asked, catching JJ off guard “What? I don’t have the money for that,” He said “All expenses paid,” You said, “Dad said I could take anyone I wanted, so i'm asking you,”

JJ continued to shake his head and give you the normal spew of excuses, you'd heard them a thousand times when you asked him to come over or stay the night, even if it was your dad asking him to stay for supper. But this time, you weren't taking no for an answer. “No, I'm not giving up until you say yes. Will you, JJ Maybank, accompany me in an all expenses paid trip to Paris, France?” You asked, flashing your best attempt at puppy dog eyes, the same ones that had worked on your parents so many times before, the same ones that had been used to get you and your friends out of heaps of trouble in the past. The blonde boy held eye contact with you for a few seconds before looking away and shaking his head at you, “Fine, fine, I’ll go with you,” He sighed in defeat, chuckling. You grinned, “Yay, we leave Thursday, 5:00am,” “Five am?” JJ said, shocked, “That's so early,” “So?” You shrugged, “Stay over Wednesday, it will save us time and will make sure you're there.” “Fine, alright. It looks like I’m going to Paris with you,” He smiled slightly. You grinned, “I cannot wait,”

JJ had never been on a plane before, flying and airports were a new thing for him. When the plane started to take off he looked terrified, but nothing compared to the way his eyes shot open when you hit your first patch of turbulence. It was comical for you, as much as you tried to calm him down you couldn’t hold back your laughter to do so. But the boy had no shortage of sarcastic comebacks. Your flight landed at 1:00 PM, giving you time to settle back onto the ground before dinner. JJ seemed relieved when the plane’s wheels finally touched down onto the cement of the runway.

The two of you were sharing a hotel room. The room only had one decent sized bed. At the time of booking the room your father assumed you’d be bringing along a female friend, so there would be no issue in sharing a bed. You and JJ stood in the doorway looking at the one bed, saying that it would be alright but in all honesty neither of you have shared a bed together before and this was going to be something new. Even in the Chateau, you never bunked together in the spare room, or even at your house, he always bunked on the pull out couch in the corner.

By the time you were fully settled into the surroundings you’d been starving from the journey, the hotel was surviving dinner but it didn’t look like something either of you wanted to try and so the search for something more american was in way. You walked down the busy Paris street, your arm linked with JJ’s to ensure you wouldn’t get lost, as you looked for any kind of burger joint restaurant. Your camera hung around your neck alerting everyone you were tourists, but that wasn’t the only dead give away. You were in no big rush to find a place to eat even though you were hungry, you both seemed to forget about that once you stepped foot out of the hotel. The old buildings and beautifully detailed architecture work caught your attention as the setting sun flashed golden rays upon the bricks that built up the city, leaving a golden hue hanging in the air to engulf you. It was summer in Paris and it had been everything you’d imagined it could be. It was beautiful and warm and it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist as you walked down the street with the Pogue, you were finally in a place where nobody focused on your social titles such as Kook or Pogue, you could just be.

After dinner as the two of you were walking through the winding streets that were lit by amber glowing street lights, it felt like it was just the two of you in the world. Like whatever life back home didn’t matter. There were groups of teens scattering the streets, laughing and messing around with their friends. It felt like everything in the night was infinite, like you didn’t have to worry about tomorrow because everything was going to stay exactly how it was. You only had one full day in Paris, your flight to go back home leaves on Sunday, but you were going to make the most of it with the blonde boy who was accompanying you.

“So?” You asked as you walked down the cobblestone path holding JJ’s hand, “What do you think?” His eyes were glittered with yellow and orange reflections from the lights as you looked at him, he was in awe of the beautiful city, “Its- wow. I’ve never seen anything like it.” He sighed, with a small smile. “I’ve always wanted to come here since I was a kid. I thought I could have a romance like in the movies but I ended up falling in love with the city,” You sighed, a content smile came to rest upon your lips. “A romance like the movies?” JJ turned to you with a teasing smirk. “Hey,” You playfully hit his shoulder. “It's beautiful, alright.” “I never took you for that kind of person,” He shrugged You nodded, “I know, I don't mention or even pursue it. Somethings feel best left unsaid, because then they cant fall apart on you,” “If you never try to find it you’ll never know if it had the chance to fall apart,” he pointed out “Maybe that's for the best,” You shrugged, leaning out over the side of the bridge to get a photo from one of the canals. Although you felt like that conversation was far from over, JJ dropped it for the moment being.

The city was even more beautiful in the day but you did really prefer it at night. You dragged JJ out of bed bright and early to go sightseeing. You spent the day walking around the historic city, wandering through the winding streets, looking through small shops as well as paying a very thorough visit to the street lined with tourist vendors. The line for Notre-Dame was long but so worth it. Inside the beautiful gothic cathedral was huge stained glass windows that sent colourful patterns onto the floor. It was packed, you followed the direction of the crowd but clung onto JJ’s arm so you didn’t lose him, something that you have become accustomed to in the last 24 hours. It was dim inside but there was still enough light to see where you were going, and be able to make out the beautiful stone work on the inside of the cathedral. As you were coming back around to the exit, security began pushing people aside, clearing the way and holding you back with a red velvet rope. At first when you were grabbed by the shoulders and pulled away from JJ you thought you were being thrown out for something but quickly you came to realize what was happening and you were able to get back over to the other side of the cleared path to JJ’s side again. Your heartbeat in your throat as you took a breath. “Jesus christ, that scared the shit outta me” You sighed once you were able to continue walking The boy you clung to once again nodded. “Me too, I thought we were getting thrown out,” He chuckled

As the sun was setting you took one last tour around the tourist shops, making your last purchases before heading off to the eiffel tower. Thankfully you purchased your tickets earlier in the day and you didn’t have to wait in the winding line up. You and JJ walked through, flashing your tickets to the workers and to the elevator operator. Once everyone piled out one side you were allowed on. You were pressed up against the very back of the elevator. Inside the metal cart that was hauling you up the tower was small, it couldn't have been anymore than 4’x4’ but it felt like almost 50 people squeezed in, all eager to overlook the city and see all the twinkling lights from above. Once you came to the first stop JJ pulled you off with him. Slowly you made your way around, looking out over the city and snapping a few photos from 187 feet up. The streets and lights were still very much visible, you could still see the people walking on the sidewalks. Without wasting any more time you got inline for the elevator going to the very top. If you thought you were squashed before, you didn’t even know what to call it this time. It felt like the ride to the very top took far longer than the one to the first level. You were pressed into the corner, with JJ mostly in front of you. Both doors opened this time, you were able to slip out the back doors that you were pressed into on the way up, and finally you got to look out over the city. It looked almost magical, like you had entered another dimension from the slow moving elevator.

Everything on the ground, 906 feet below you, faded away into a small dot. The people weren’t even visible, only the lights from the moving cars alerted you there were still people down there. Quickly you snapped a few shots of the city scape below you that was lit with amber glowing lights, before turning your camera and pointing it was the blonde boy who was standing next to you. He was looking out over the city, he may have been in awe the first time seeing how the city came to life at night but right now, when he looked back to you, his eyes held an emotion you hadn’t seen from him before, it was something unreadable. Something intriguing. “Beautiful, isn't it?” You asked, putting your camera away in your bag, deciding you were going to live in the moment for the rest of the night. JJ nodded, “Gorgeous, I can’t believe I'm actually here.” He was impressed.

As you walked around the very top you witnessed multiple couples doing the very romantic kiss from the top of the Eiffel Tower, while a generous bystander took their phone or camera and snapped a couple of photos from them. You looked at JJ after witnessing yet another couple kiss, he looked back at you, it was like you both wanted to say something but were too afraid to speak until JJ cleared his throat. “Would you like to pursue a scene straight out of your movie romance dream?” JJ asked with his famous smirk, his blue eyes light up with the faint twinkling of the outside lights on the tower. Your words almost got stuck in your throat, out of all things that was something you had not expected him to ask, nevertheless, you nodded. “I would be honoured,” You smiled. You both handed your phones off to two different people, asking one to video and the other to snap photo bursts. You stood with you back to the railing of the tower and JJ held you by your hips, one hand quickly coming up to cup your jaw as he leant in, connecting your lips together in a soft yet deep kiss. Your hands instinctively linked at the back of his neck, and you pulled him back in for one more quick peck before letting him pull away completely.

There was no lie in the world that could hide how you felt right now. Your lips tingled, and your stomach filled with butterflies and you could swear you saw fireworks. It was like every movie romance ever. People around you clapped like they did for everyone, assuming you were together.

Getting down from the tower was not as easy as getting up, the demand to be taken back down from the tower was huge, the lines winded around almost too far and you could almost argue that as soon as you stepped off the elevator from coming up you would be joining the line to go down.

It took way too long to get down but even with the clock reading 12:30 AM, you weren't tired. Far from it actually. You didn’t know if it was from the kiss or if it was because you didn’t want the night to end. But you and JJ found yourselves running through the emptying streets as the early hours of the morning approached. The two of you laughing like you had no cares in the world, because as you were walking through the empty streets, it truly felt like it was just the two of you in the world. It was just the two of you and that city on earth.

You were pulled down onto the blondes lap when he sat down on a park bench. As you admired his flawless tan skin in the moonlight and amber glow from the streetlights, his eyes looked bluer than ever, like what you’d imagine the deepest part of the ocean would look like if you dug deeper. His hand grip around you waist tightened and your hands that sat on his shoulders came up to gently cup his cheeks as you slowly leaned in. Before you knew it he closed the rest of the distance between your lips and you were kissing him, hard. Like he was about to slip away and out of your grasp, like it was a dream and you were desperately trying to cling onto anything that could keep you asleep for longer.

The longer you kissed him the harder his hands gripped your hips, the closer he pulled you. One of your hands held onto his shoulder and the other found home in his hair as you pulled away out of need for oxygen. Your breathing was as heavy as if you two had just gone at it for 20 minutes, but the truth was the kiss didn’t even last a minute. You looked down into his dark blue eyes, in the yellow hue of the Paris lighting and it was like your heart knew this was your movie romance. And like waves on a beach shore, you were falling and crashing hard.

“I’m sorry,” You breathed out immediately, your hand feeling out of his hair. The blue-eyed blonde shook his head “don’t ever be sorry for that,” He pulled you in for another kiss and it was like the universe had exploded all over again. Every nerve ending in your body had been brought to life, you felt every inch of his lips on yours. Out of all the people you were bound to meet in this lifetime, you never expected JJ Maybank to be the one you’d fall for. But as he was kissing you as the two of you sat in a random park, in Paris, everything you thought you knew or ever might know became irrelevant and unimportant, the only thing you knew for sure was that you were in love with the boy you were kissing so hungrily at 3:00 AM. JJ was your tv romance, something that took you awhile to see it but once you did, you fell hard and fast.

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bts-ficrecs · 4 years

Note

Any jungkook angst with no smut? Thank you!

yes hello. ‘tis me. Finally responding to you after 31498237 months.

i rarely read full on ANGST because my weak heart cannot take it, ok. So i don’t have a lot to share and most of the fics i read are pretty short. i don’t think any of what i read are series bc omg can u imagine a full on series with NO HAPPINESS!! I WOULD D WORD!!!!!!!1 sjadflakwe but i’ve included some angsty series in the 2nd half of this compilation!

as requested, no smut. i’m sorry if i missed something and it does have smut 🙏 also this ask made me realize how many angsty fics DO have smut involved, lololol we’re all a bunch of emo hornies and tbh,,, i’m not even gonna deny that 😂 ok ok i’ll stop rambling now.

* m/n: mai notes can also be read as “my notes”. ha ha ha wow i’m so punny.

HAVE READ:

⊱ ┄ A Fallen Bookmark on A Thursday Afternoon by @cutaepatootie

summary: He came to you like the air comes into the train station after the fast arriving of the machine. It comes fast and unexpected, making you hoist your head to look at the long vehicle and the people inside. It is so fast you can’t even distinguish the different wagons. As the train comes to a stop, the wind that it creates plays with your hair, leaving you breathless. That’s how Jeon Jungkook came into your life.

⊱ ┄ A Mark of Betrayal by @jimlingss

summary: Forgotten as the eighth deadly sin; each time one betrays, a mark will be signed on their skin…

⊱ ┄ A Piece of the Moonlight by @jimlingss

summary: For your loved ones, the people who are waiting at home, the people who have died - you will fight. And sometimes to fight means to sacrifice: who you really are and the person you really love.

⊱ ┄ Blue Orchids by @inktae

summary: You were eighteen years old when Jimin’s name showed up on your hand.

m/n: this is like… one of THE og bts fics and i will always promote it bc IT DESERVES TO BE READ BY EVERYONE

⊱ ┄ Delirium by @sseudanym

summary: What to feel, when it’s all gone.

⊱ ┄ Give Me Your Hands (I Will Pick the Stars for You) by mindheist (AO3)

summary: I miss you like the moon misses the sun, destined to chase you until the end of time.

m/n: this is the only mxm fic here. it’s jungkook x taehyung :) i hope it won’t deter you from reading it though! it’s an absolutely beautiful story.

⊱ ┄ In My Head by obiwrites (AO3)

summary: The one where you and your long time boyfriend aren’t on the same page

⊱ ┄ It’s Enough by @dark-muse-iris

summary: Preparing dinner reminds you of all the struggles you’ve experienced in your marriage. Your husband Jungkook, ever your anchor, tries to cheer you up with gentle words.

⊱ ┄ Mamihlapinatapai by @tayegi

summary: Mamihlapinatapai (noun): a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something that they both desire but which neither wants to begin.

⊱ ┄ My Beauty, My Blood by @7cypher

summary: With Namjoon out of the picture, Jeongguk has to step up and be the sole successor to the organization laid out before him. However, guilt doesn’t escape him very easily, and neither does your persistence.

⊱ ┄ Resentment by obiwrites (AO3)

summary: It was an ugly kind of sad. The kind that kept you up at night, that weighed heavy in your chest and made you feel like you couldn’t breathe, it made you feel like molasses—made your limbs drag and your body ache. You’d heard of the physical effects of depression—but you weren’t expecting this.

⊱ ┄ The Train of Lost Souls by @inktae

summary: The moment you step inside the train, you are given two options. You can choose to live or you can choose to move on. You are dead, but it’s up to you to do something about it. The choice is solely yours.

m/n: ok so this is technically a Hoseok fic since the reader is interacting with Hoseok, but Jungkook is a part of this fic and IT HURTS ME SO MUCH SO I HAD TO INCLUDE THIS OK

⊱ ┄ The Swirling Ways of Stars by @inktae

summary: Jeon Jungkook doesn’t feel like home.

⊱ ┄ Untitled by @floralseokjin

summary: He noticed you almost instantly. Like the wind blowing autumn leaves past his heels, he felt you near him. His body an instant constant buzzing as he stood inside the kitchen, back against the counter where he watched you outside. The separation of the living area and the balcony window feeling miles away regardless of how close he was to you…how close you were to him…

⊱ ┄ We Were by @gukyi

summary: Not all once upon a time’s have happily ever after’s.

⊱ ┄ Water Ripples by @inktae

summary: It may be a mistake caused by unreachable forces, but it is not a curse, like some may think. Meeting each other, being able to touch each other but being forbidden to stay close beyond the limits of the sea could be considered torture — where is the pleasure in getting a taste of something you cannot have, an ephemeral spark in the night? in getting wings that can’t make you soar, no matter how many times they flutter?

m/n: i made the mistake of rereading this when i was compiling this list and yes i am crying again. hooo booyyy.

HAVE NOT READ YET:

⊱ ┄ Below Thunder Showers by @inktae

summary: Min Yoongi leads Earth with a stern hand and a pair of cold eyes. You lead a withered space station that’s been losing hope for years, mind tired and heart torn. Jeon Jungkook is no more than a broken soldier who’s slowly losing his humanity, but his longing for the rain keeps him tied to the ground. Three paths converge again when the two worlds clash, and as precarious as they were, it does not stop you from falling in love for a second time.

⊱ ┄ Blossom by @dimpled-gukkie

summary: “Blossom, blossom, blossom. As unexperienced as I may be in the field you really didn’t think I’d only bring one weapon did you? It’s no wonder your gang has gone to shit ever since your dad died, it’s clear that you’re incompetent as well as incapable of being a good leader.” He laughs, raising the gun to point at you. You raise your own and he just smiles again before setting his weapon down. “You know what, how about we do this the old fashion way? I heard guns weren’t your specialty anyways.” Shrugging off his coat you spot the long dagger tucked into his waistband. “Cmon sweetheart, show me just how dangerous you are.”

⊱ ┄ Contradict by @drowsymochi

summary: Jungkook is a name you hear often around the crowded city of Seoul, South Korea. Jungkook is the leader of Bangtan, a gang that has acquired a worldwide audience. The gang is stationed in Seoul, creating a feeling of uneasiness on the streets. Everyone in the city has been acquainted with one of the members at some time, being that they’re always around. For the most part, they don’t harm innocent civilians unless they commit a crime that the members find worthy of punishment. That penalty can range from bankruptcy, to torture and eventually death, which makes the city wary of their words and surroundings. If only you had been as terrified as everyone else.

⊱ ┄ Downfall by @donewithjeon

summary: Your hesitation cost you dearly, and you swore never to let it happen again.

⊱ ┄ Drown For You by @callistojjk

summary: There was something in that enormous tank, hidden in the murky water. All you knew was that you weren’t allowed inside the room and that it used to hold something dangerous.

⊱ ┄ Drag Me Down to Hell by @kimvtae

summary: There’s a darkness to your city, a murderous underbelly filled with crime and deceit that you’ve sworn to avoid at all costs. But the universe has funny ways of forcing your involvement in the form of a notorious mob boss and his young daughter.

⊱ ┄ Expensive Mistakes by @honeyedhoseok

summary: Your night spent swindling at the pool table goes left when your lackluster skills are found to be false, so it’s a good thing Jungkook has some supernatural abilities to keep D and his friends from recollecting their money–but his help comes at a price.

⊱ ┄ Fierce And Delicate by @mintseesaw

summary: Jungkook and y/n had been brought in two different worlds. Jungkook living an unfortunate life and y/n being controlled by her parents all her life. Despite the imperfect relationship, they completed each other like a puzzle there is. Jungkook has one promise he intends to keep: to always make you happy. In the process of fulfilling your wish he had once declined you of, he kept a secret from you. And unintentionally, he has done more damages than expected…Every action, and every decision… could be blamed by the flawed past.

⊱ ┄ Fallout Technical Report by @pantaemonium

summary: You knew you should not go into the darkness of night, even if your hope had run thin. The monsters were free to walk the earth, and some of them were still as human as you.

⊱ ┄ Fear in Your Eyes by @gukyi

summary: There’s a werewolf in that forest behind your house, they told you, and he’ll eat you before you can even beg for mercy.

⊱ ┄ First Light by @inktae

summary: “Have you ever felt like the world is too loud sometimes?” “No. For me it’s always quiet.”

⊱ ┄ Finding Beauty in Your Darkest Places by @jungtaeyoongles

summary: Everyone has their issues, and everyone deals with them differently. Jungkook thinks that avoiding his problems is the best option out there. AKA Jeon Jungkook is the newest patient at the Omelas Specialized Psychiatric Clinic, and he just wants to get in and out as quickly as possible so that he can go back to university and be with his friends again. Of course, that doesn’t work out according to his plan.

⊱ ┄ Gravity by @donewithjeon

summary: The universe works in mysterious ways. What you didn’t know was that the world would give you the best at such a young age.

⊱ ┄ I Got You On My Mind by @bangtanbombimagines

summary: In a world where soulmates can share thoughts, you never imagined that the sweet voice in your head would belong to a guy like Jungkook.

⊱ ┄ Lost Boy by @hoshikimatata

summary: You are the only girl Jungkook keeps coming back to, and you thought that made you the one to save him. But in the end, he’s the only one who can save himself.

⊱ ┄ Let Me Stay Close To You by @9uk

summary: You were finally free from the worst nightmare of your life in high school. The doors of college welcomed you with open arms, you were set on living your best life in here, away from the toxicity back at home. That shimmer of hope in restoring your life, was somehow effortlessly crushed by a tap on your shoulder. “Hey Y/N, why don’t you say we catch up for a moment?”

⊱ ┄ Left Behind by @bbfairy

summary: Every person is required to go through a series of tests to see if they’re smart enough to be a part of the upper, elite district. You and Jungkook are childhood friends. Jungkook’s dream is to live with you in the elite class, but deep down, you’ve always known that you’ll fail the exams. For ten years, you wrote letters to give him on the day of his expected departure.

⊱ ┄ Lie to Me by @hugseoks

summary: It had seemed so easy for you to move on, did you even care at all?

⊱ ┄ Pull Me Down by @starryeyedgukk

summary: “Do you regret it?” “What?” “Falling in love with me? It feels like I only weigh you down.” “I’ll let you pull me down to the depths of hell if that’s what it means to love you.”

⊱ ┄ Rooftop by @thelillzmonster

summary: An unrequited love burdens your fragile heart. And when an unfamiliar, isolated boy is thrown into the mix, you’re not sure whether it all turns for the better or worse.

⊱ ┄ The Burning Flame by @bangtanfanfiction

summary: You’re sent as a scout from the Academy into enemy territory, tasked with the mission to make sure their king doesn’t unleash another war on the four nations. During your quest, you get tangled up with a lone rider, as stubborn and hard as the scales of his dragon.

⊱ ┄ The Black Veil by @jungcock

summary: You never wanted to be a vampire, yet you had been 21 years old for the last 2 centuries. You never wanted a relationship either, yet you incidentally make a very human Jeon Jungkook fall in love with you, twice.

⊱ ┄ Waste It On Me by @byeoltoyuki

summary: Being a journalist, you were familiar with the concept of taking risks and pushing your limits to get the best story. But when a gangster by the name of Jungkook tries to involve himself in your quiet, safe personal life, you are forced to reconsider the limits of your comfort zone, your boundaries, your morals and even your feelings.

⊱ ┄ Why I Hate You by @floofyeol

summary: Jeon Jungkook’s only regret, is knowing her in the first place.

⊱ ┄ Watchdog by @kpopisthereasonihavenolife

summary: Being kidnapped, then ‘accidentally’ eavesdropping on a lot of Intel that was specifically not for outside ears, was definitely not your way of being ‘recruited’ into the mafia world. Much less end up with a companion who didn’t seem very fond of you, but stuck guarding and watching you. A Watchdog sort of man he was, and almost entirely too suffocating.

⊱ ┄ Written on the Sky by @inktae

summary: Time is, without a doubt, merciless.

⊱ ┄ What Happened by @bangtanfanfiction

summary: You and Jungkook’s relationship was on the tip of the edge. Is there any possibility to get it back up?

#so basically just read all of inktae's fics lol #bts fic recs #jungkook angst #bts scenarios #jungkook fanfic #yes i wrote 'smutties'#fite me #g recs #anon #f:jjk

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athingofvikings · 4 years

Text

I don’t usually do “call-out” posts, but this case is particularly egregious. It’s not strictly plagiarism, but it definitely qualifies as some form of creative dishonesty, and I need to vent on it.

So last night (Nov 15, 2020), I saw that my “Related Works” tab on AO3 had iterated up a digit and went to investigate.

What I saw made my blood boil.

“An Englishman Among Vikings” by Heinkelboy05

Checking the comments, I found that, unsurprisingly, the serial liar had lied again, saying, flat out, that he hadn’t worked with me on his story.

So.

Let me get the record straight.

Here is his first message on ffnet, note the date:

May 27, 2018

Hello there. This is Heinkelboy05. I'm a 21 year old college student studying to become a history teacher. I'm a big history buff and I try to incorporate it into my stories. My current story is one based on the game Valkyria Chronicles set in an alternate version of 1935. It's mostly historical though with some twists into it. Anyway, before I bore you with anymore details, just bought I'd let you know that I've been reading your story and it inspired me to try and do something similar here for HTTYD. I'm still working on it and trying to get some historical background and such. It's going to have historical information but also some small twists here and there as well. Still working a bit on finding historical information on some things. This one is going to be set earlier in the Viking Era. Just thought I'd let you know.

I responded positively, because hey, why wouldn’t I?

And thus, with the hook set, he reeled me in, talking exclusively about his own work. We shifted to talking on Discord quickly, but it was just draining to talk to him; he only ever wanted to discuss his own ideas, and he wanted real-time discussions; he would ping me with “free to talk?” and if I wasn’t there right then, he would go off-line. Once I didn’t get there in time for a week, and I got a passive-aggressive comment that basically was designed to guilt me.

But, hey, I’m a nice guy, right? So I invited him to the ATOV Discord server in October 2018, after we’d been working on his story for nearly five months.

And once he was invited in, he settled in to feed like a vampire at a boarding school dormitory.

In the following 18 months, he almost never engaged with other people on the server outside of his writing, just pushing his own drafts regularly, and whining that he wasn’t getting any feedback or interest. Once, he even pinged @everyone because he wanted attention and feedback on the draft he’d just posted.

And then he made a mistake. The specific details amount to this: He had claimed back in his first message above that “I’ve been reading your story”, and I had taken it on good faith that he was a reader of mine.

He wasn’t.

Because in April, he asked in the history discussion channel if anyone had heard of a historical group who show up in a major fashion in my story.

@kalessinsdaughter confronted him later and got him to admit that he’d read “less than half” (i.e. almost certainly a lot less) of my work.

He gave me an “I’m sorry I got caught” nonpology, clearly hoping for a return to the status quo.

He didn’t get it.

The long and the short of what followed is that we didn’t kick him from the server immediately; meanwhile, he tried a half-assed charm offensive to try to bribe his way back into my good graces. I saw right through it, and he ended up getting so offensive and hypocritical that at the end of June, after a breathtakingly disgusting display of White Privilege, I told him that he could either leave or wait for me to find an excuse within the server rules to ban him.

He left.

Last night, I saw that my “Related Works” tab on AO3 had iterated, and went to check it out.

After two years of working on it, he had finally started posting the fic that he had badgered me and others to help him with.

And in the comments was this.

https://archiveofourown.org/comments/363482519

PoeticalHufflepuff on Chapter 2 Sun 15 Nov 2020 11:10AM EST

Oh wow, this looks interesting! The premise reminds me a lot of A Thing Of Vikings, but set later in history. Did you work with him on it?

Heinkelboy05 on Chapter 2 Sun 15 Nov 2020 05:17PM CET

No, I did not. I do however read his story. I’m having this series tied to the events of the HTTYD series to differentiate it from ATOV.

“No, I did not work with him on it.”

Now, the premise of his story is very similar to mine, and that’s fine.

But, well. *motions to entire history*

I left a response earlier this morning. Since I’m not sure if he’ll delete my comment or not, I’ll copy the full text here.

athingofvikings on Chapter 2 Mon 16 Nov 2020 09:42AM CET

Well. Imagine my surprise when my "Related Works" value on my dashboard iterated up a digit last night and I found this waiting at the other end. And then, just to make it worse, I decided to check the comments out of some masochistic impulse and found you lying--as usual.

I suppose I should feel shocked, I really should, given just how brazen this lie is, but I'm not. Because it's always all about you... well, I'm not surprised that those months I spent "working with you" nearly every day two summers ago--remember those days? back before I invited you to the ATOV Discord server?--doesn't count as having "worked with you". Still. Just wow. It's amazing. I knew that you were a Grade-A self-centered asshole, but this really takes the cake. You lied to me, used me, and took advantage of my kindness for two years, and now you have the sheer unremitted gall to deny that I gave my time and effort trying to help you before I realized how much of an emotional vampire you are?

So, let me make this clear to anyone reading this, and I'll be posting this elsewhere as well: I do not accept this work as "inspired by" my own. It was made abundantly clear during Heinkel's time on the ATOV server that he hadn't actually read my work, and that persisted until he was caught in a direct lie on it. Before being caught, he spent nearly two years feeding on people's attention and not giving back to the community I had built; one of the other authors there described trying to help him as "exhausting". Prior to when he was invited to the server (by me in one of my biggest mistakes), he portrayed himself to me as being one of my readers who needed help with his own work. I gave that help freely--and it was exhausting, because he was this weird combination of "I want more clicks/attention", "I want historical accuracy like you do" and "I want these specific ahistorical elements because they're Cool" that just made dealing with him a chore.

I'm not going to call him a plagiarist, because that would require him to have read my work first, and he only did that past the first few chapters after he was caught in his lie. Yes, he took the general premise that I had come up with, but it's so mutilated by the inclusion of ahistorical elements that it's an 'in-name-only' Hollywood-style adaptation, akin to Artemis Fowl, and that's not plagiarism. Anything he might have taken from me directly was just from the first few chapters, because that's all he read before he was caught lying.

But while he's not a plagiarist, he IS a toxic, creatively dishonest, attention-starved, self-centered, exploitive and all-around inconsiderate jackass who used me, used my community, and lied to me all the while, all the while pretending that he was morally upstanding (remember that time you AllLivesMattered my explanation on antisemitism, Heinkel? I remember. I was explaining why my people are so hated and you had to butt in with a "Well, I'm so morally upstanding and good!" comment; pity that you don't actually practice what you said there). When he was caught in his lie by his own clumsiness--he asked if "anyone heard of the Jomsvikings" after they'd been a part of ATOV for years--and after having presented himself as a reader of ATOV for years, he desperately hoped that he wouldn't be called to account. And when he was called on it, he admitted to my friend that he had read "less than half" of my story and gave me an "I'm sorry I got caught" nonpology. I cannot and WILL NOT forgive him for all of that. This lie that he never worked with me on this story is just par for the course with him.

So go ahead and write your fic, Heinkel. It's clear that I can't stop you, and neither can your sense of shame or your sense of honesty, while your sense of integrity has been demonstrably MIA for a while now. But as I told you before I threw you out of the server, you're not getting anything more from me. Not attention, not acceptance, not friendship, not readers. You lied to me for two years, and this is just more of the same self-centered falsehoods. First you kept whining at me to pay attention to you, and passive-aggressively sniping at me when I didn't hop to it, did the same on the server because you were so desperate for attention of any kind--I haven't forgotten that you pinged @everyone because you wanted feedback without having to work at it by giving back to the community--and now you're saying that all of hours I spent helping you in good faith didn't exist, all of the time you spent getting advice and help from people on my server didn't exist.

And now you have the gall to say that you didn't work on it with me.

I only wish that I was surprised.

~~~

So that’s the situation.

Don’t go harassing the guy. Don’t report him to AO3--while skeezy, he hasn’t violated the TOS as far as I can tell.

But I had to get that off my chest.

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