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#when i know that multiple of my friends are in similar situations but they actually do the work to get better and do so many other things

mothdruid · 2 days

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Within the past 72 hours the TGM fandom got a fire put under it's ass, for lack of a better term/phrase. Even though I'm not as active in the fandom anymore, it did make me want to talk about a few things. This isn't the first time that I've had to make a post similar to this, usually speaking about reblogs and keeping your fanfic writers feeling wanted within the fandom spaces, but today I'm going to talk more about fandom etiquette and my experiences in fandom spaces. So, if you want to hear my opinion on fandom etiquette, how I learned fandom etiquette, and my thoughts about the doxing situation that has happened, keep on reading.

My Fandom Experience.

The first fandom that I was ever a part of was The Hunger Games fandom in the 8th grade (if you don't include my anime fandoms). I was 12-13 at the time. This was when I was first introduced to Tumblr and being involved within a fandom online. At the time I was super young, barely even knew who I was as a person, let alone in a fandom space. All I did was reblog little gifsets and fawn over Josh Hutcherson. I remember getting my first hate anon, even though I didn't do anything that would generate that to even happen. Even when I was 12-13, I couldn't understand why anyone would send a hate anon. That was when I found out a friend of mine found my Tumblr and actually secretly hated me, so she sent me hate anons. Still, before I knew it was her I didn't understand.

Fandoms were a formative part of my childhood. I think that main one that helped form me though was the Supernatural (yeah, I know, eye roll), Naruto, and The Hobbit fandoms. I had made friends on Tumblr and Instagram through these fandoms. During these times was when I had first started consuming fanfiction. Specifically, destiel and thilbo fanfiction. This is how I started to find the things in fanfiction that I loved, and the things that I hated. Instead of sending hate to the writers for their thoughts and stories that I didn't agree with, I would back out of the story or just scroll past. Not only that, I also started to use the filters on AO3 constantly, ensuring that I was only reading the fics that I knew I'd enjoy. Also, I was careful to read warnings and tags prior to reading the fic. Never once did I blame the writer for something that I knew I didn't like and accidentally read or read for see what it was about.

After high school was when I started getting into fanfiction writing. I've written for a lot of fandoms during this time. The IT movies, Total Drama, Haikyuu, Attack on Titan, Marvel, Bridgerton, Top Gun: Maverick, and currently ASOIAF. As a writer I've never gotten hate, thankfully, but I have had a lot of friends that have. It's sad to see so many people who take the time to write, whether it's enjoyable or not, receive hate. As writers we are simply expressing our creativity for the things that we love. Since posting fanfiction on tumblr, I have experienced a lot of people pestering for new updates and when the next fic is, and so have a lot of other writers on here. Even though people only know us as a little icon and username, fanfiction writers are people. We have lives outside of writing fanfiction. Everyone also isn't the same type writer. One person may easily write multiple fics every week, some of us take longer, and some of us are even just passion writers (me lol).

The TGM fandom has been one of the most negative fandom experiences I've ever seen/had. It is full of some of the meanest people/anons I've ever seen. From writers being attacked for fic ideas, people being sent hate for something that the anon has full control over, and people constantly expecting new stories to read on the daily. Yes, I do know that other fandoms have these issues, but it seems to be almost a weekly, hell, even daily thing within this fandom. A lot of the issues that I see happen in this fandom are from people who don't understand fandom etiquette.

Fandom Etiquette.

If you had noticed there was a few things I put in bold above. These are key things that I learned during my time that attribute to fandom etiquette. So without further a do, I'll list out some fandom etiquette rules that I follow all the time.

Don't send hate anons to people

Block/unfollow people you don't like

If you don't like an idea or fic, don't read it

Read through all warnings and tags that the writer provided

Use AO3 filters

Don't blame the writer/creator for reading things they created that you actively know you don't like

Writers/Creators aren't "content farms"

There are people behind these blogs/usernames, treat them like someone you'd see on the street

Writers/Creators are expressing love/passion for something, don't hate them for doing that

If you see something fandom related that you don't like, scroll past it or ignore it

YOU CURATE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE (ESPECIALLY ON TUMBLR)

The Doxing Situation.

For those who are unaware but decided to read this anyways, recently there was a writer (Mama Mayhem) on here who got doxed from another writer in the fandom. Mayhem has since lost her job due to the doxing. This was apparently from her breaking HIPAA by posting a picture into a private groupchat/discord. This picture was posted almost a half year ago. Meaning that the person who reported/doxed Mayhem had known about this picture for months and only recently decided to do something about it.

I'll start by saying that I also work in healthcare, and know many other people here who do. I understand that a HIPAA violation is 100% an offense that gets you fired. I'm not excusing the HIPAA violation if one did occur.

Some people have brought up the idea that maybe the person that reported the picture, and doxed Mayhem, was doing it out of the goodness of their heart. Due to the timeline of it all, that doesn't seem likely. I had a previous coworker get fired for HIPAA violations and it took a total of a week from the initial report for her to be gone.

The biggest thing I want to convey is that TWO WRONGS CAN HAPPEN AT THE SAME TIME. Yes, if Mayhem violated HIPAA, it is wrong. But at the same time, the person held onto this information for months only to use it out of spite, pettiness, and cruelty, is wrong.

My Thoughts.

Due to Mayhem being doxed, a lot of people have decided to leave this platform, take indefinite hiatuses, stop writing, or move to AO3 exclusively., and I don't blame them. I'll be honest, I'm thinking about moving to AO3 exclusively now. AO3 feels a lot more rewarding in my experience. I already only post my fics for ships to AO3, so why not just post everything on AO3 (which I usually do).

I think a lot of people have forgot what it feels like to feel shame in something they say or do. When I say this, it's directed towards people who send hate or do other malicious things in fandom spaces. Fandoms were never this clique-ish and mean. I think it has to do with the pandemic, meaning that a lot of people who would have never joined a fandom did because they weren't allowed to do anything outside of their house. So, those mean girls that made fun of fandom girlies (g/n) previously, joined the fandoms and decided started bullying the people within them.

This situation is super shitty and people are now scared. It makes complete sense, especially after seeing someone, that many of you were close to, be doxed. A lot of people are scared of it happening to them now. I don't think this fandom will be the same after this situation, but who knows, maybe everyone will just forget and move on. Either way, I think I'll be taking a step back from the TGM fandom. I'll still be here, but until further notice, I won't be posting any TGM fanfiction. Maybe a gifset/picture here and there, but I don't think this is a fandom I feel comfortable writing for anymore.

If you've read all of this, thank you.

#moth talks #here it is #sorry it's so long but i couldn't convey my thoughts any other way

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doberbutts · 5 months

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The problem with the concept that there are trans men who don’t have male privilege is that it seems to imply that there are trans women who DO have it, which is a concept that is widely agreed to be unequivocally transmisogynistic. Any rebuttal for this?

My rebuttal is; I know trans women who have lived in my house and sat on my couch and watched movies and played videogames with me who have told me to my face that they did receive male privilege on a similar incredibly conditional, individual, and situational basis similar to how I am describing for trans men, how it relied on the closet and total stealth, and very aware they had to be of the line they were toeing, and how much worse they are treated now that they are out and transitioning, and how afraid they are to say it because of rabid people online who are looking for any excuse whatsoever to hurt them when they deal with that enough in their everyday lives.

I am forever reminded of this older interview (mid-90s early 2000s I think) of transgender Japanese citizens and this one person who was probably what we would call a trans woman. And, like my butch friend, was trapped in a situation in which there was absolutely zero room to breathe. They were amab, married to a woman with multiple children, working as a businessman to support the family. They said how they always felt like a woman on the inside, and how they knew that could never be a reality for them, so they didn't see much point in pursuing anything because it would break their family apart. The only thing they could do was make various cute needlework girly things during their daily commute to and from work. They had some cover story for their wife that they were buying them from a shop for their daughters or something.

Do you think that this person, who is perceived by everyone around them to be a cis man for several decades, does not benefit from male privilege in any way despite probably not actually being a man? Do you understand what I'm talking about when I say that this is a topic that needs to be discussed with far more delicacy and nuance than "man privilege woman not privilege"?

Do you think that all of the accounts of trans women out there saying "when I came out and started identifying as and passing for a woman, people suddenly started treating me much worse" and "I frequently have to boymode because otherwise my life is too dangerous" aren't discussions of exactly what I'm talking about?

Privilege is a tricky, complicated thing. It's also something bigoted society bestows upon you, and not a moral critique of your own existence. TERFs and MRAs both have poisoned the well, but that's not a reason to completely disregard the much-needed grace that has to be had during these conversations.

Personally I think any trans person's experience with "male privilege" is shakey at best and entirely contingent on a wide number of factors that you can't just point at their gender and say yes or no. I think it's way more complicated than that. And I don't think anyone is lesser for having or not having it, either. Gender is a morally neutral thing. Gender presentation is a morally neutral thing. It is okay to exist. It's okay to have a complicated existence.

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starlight-bread-blog · 8 months

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Zuko and Katara Aren't Toxic to Each Other

I keep hearing this take that's biasically just different variations of this:

Zuko and Katara would bring out the worst in each other. They would be fighting constantly, and their similar tendency to anger will escalate these situations. They'd both grow miserable and bitter.

I don't like this argument for a number of reasons, but I'll adress just one: I feel as though these takes miss how Zuko and Katara have been shown to respond to each other's anger in canon.

For most of the story, they're enemies. Prince of the Fire Nation and the Avatar's friend & teacher. They fight because they're on opposite sides of a war. They do have an arc before they reconcile, there are fights from The Crossroads of Destiny to The Southern Raiders. But in my opinion they don't point at toxicity. They show how Zuko actually reacts to Katara's rage. And it simply doesn't escalate even before they become friends. So let's take a look at a few of said arguments:

The Crossroads of Destiny

At this point they are pure enemies. Katara didn't see Zuko's journy in the Earth Kingdom and they don't know anything about each other.

Zuko and Katara are in the crystal catacombs and Katara starts yelling & preaching at Zuko for all he did do them. At first Zuko just takes it all, just listens to her. But he hit his breaking point.

Zuko (calmly): You don't know what you're talking about.

Katara then rightfully gets angry. And opens up about how the Fire Nation hurt her personally – they took away her mother. Instantly, Zuko isn't angry anymore.

Zuko: I'm sorry.

He immediatly understands and offers comfort. And even, connect with his enemy.

Zuko: That's something we have in common.

Katara: I'm sorry I yelled at you before.

Now the argument is over. They were enemies just a second ago, but Zuko was able to put it aside, realize that Katara was well within her rights to get angry, see her pain and connect with her. So much so, that he tells her about his destiny, about how he feels he's free. And Katara offers to heal his scar to help him too. She too understood his pain, calmed down instantly and helpped.

The Western Air Temple

Zuko has redeemed himself, but not in Katara's eyes. She still suspects him after he betrayed her. She confronts him.

Zuko doesn't get angry if defensive, he knows why she's yelling and lets it happen. He understands her and knows his place.

Then, she threatens him with death. And what did Zuko do?

Nothing. It's not his place. He has gained the emotional maturiny needed to do nothing. To take her rage, knowing it's deserved.

The Southern Raiders

At this point Zuko is completely redeemed, he saved the Gaang just this day and proved he's trust worthy on multiple occasions. But that's still not enough for Katara. She makes a mean spirited comment about him not deserving any credit and leaves. Zuko follows her.

Thus the hostility begins. Zuko asks Katara why can't she trust him? He's proven himself, everyone already trusts him. It's a fair question, and fair frustration. Katara didn't provide substantial reasons to why she still doesn't trusts him yet. She just reminded him she was the first to trust him.

Zuko: What can I do to make it up to you?

He calmed down and tried to help, even when he had every right to be upset. In her next line, it became clear that she was projecting her grief onto him. Zuko realized this, what did he do? What did he do after finding out that Katara's rage at him isn't even about anything he personally did? What did he do after finding out that her rage is unfair and rooted in projection?

Says nothing & goes to her brother to help her solve her trauma. Regardless of it was healthy or not, Zuko was trying to help – not get angry at her.

All of these arguments happen before they even become friends. After they did, they are nothing but wholesome.

This argument that they'd bring out the worst in each other has no basis in canon.

"But it doesn't need to be prominent in canon! They didn't disagree yet, and we don't know what it'd look like".

They did once: Zuko agreed to an Agni Kai with Azula. He invited Katara just so he wouldn't have to do this. Katara finds it unreasonable. But she hears him out and trusts his judgement.

Yes, it does need to be backed up by canon. If it doesn't need to, you can pick any two traits of any two characters and think of how they could be miserable. It doesn't matter that that's not how they are, because it's a hypothetical. It doesn't need to be backed up in canon. Now I'm suggesting that Zukka would be toxic because Sokka's sillyness would clash with Zuko's anger. Sokka would joke around and Zuko would be irrutated & ask him to take it seriously. But it's stupid. I just picked two traits and went wild with it. Same goes for Zutara. They don't act like this, so it's irrelevant.

In conclusion: When Zuko and Katara were "fighting constantly" they were on opposite sides of a war. The first time they talked, it naturally starts as an argument, but turns into a beautiful moment where they both understand each other. When Zuko joins the Gaang, he waits pationetly to Katara's forgiveness, takes all her anger without being at all hostile, does everything he can to prove himself, stays calm even when it's unfair and helps her resolve her trauma. After they reconcile Zuko and Katara don't have a hinch of toxicity. They don't bring out the worst in each other.

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project-sekai-facts · 4 months

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How are we feeling about ensekai’s emu3 translation!!! (I’m mad)

(if you remember the 3 whole posts i made when asahi got de-gayed on EN you'll know i am mad too and that this is probably going to get long)

i don't like to be too cynical but it was so obvious that they were going to change that line, i had a feeling since the event first released on JP and after the incident with Asahi where I went through and tracked down multiple other examples of EN removing queer subtext it became clear to me that in no way shape or form was "emu-chan really loves nene-chan" making it to EN without getting changed. what i didn't expect was them changing Nene's line after Luka's comment, which actually makes this whole situation far worse than many of their other instances of toning down queer subtext.

for anyone who isn't aware of what happened, in chapter 5 of the current Emu event, there's a scene where Nene, Rui and the Virtual Singers are talking about what would cheer Emu up. The vsingers all talk about how much Emu loves spending time with Nene, leading to the following exchange

If you look for them, any fan TL of this scene will be something similar to this:

Luka: ...Fufu. Emu-chan really loves Nene-chan, doesn't she? Nene: Th-that's nothing special...

EN's official translation is this:

So what's the issue? I'll start with Luka's part. In the original text, she uses the word daisuki, which can mean to "like a lot" or "love". It's a word you will see frequently in the idol/idol-adjacent genre of games, due to its ambiguity in that it can be read as either platonic or romantic when used towards a person, and often will be used in ambiguous situations so that it's harder to confirm the writers' intentions either way. so here, fans of the emu/nene ship could view the fact that emu loves spending her time with nene as more on the romantic side, but people who don't like the ship could view it as platonic and move on.

while they didn't translate daisuki directly, Luka's line still works, and still contains the ambiguity that works as ship tease in the original text. it's a perfectly fine localisation that still conveys the original intent. despite that, there is something to be said about EN's consistent refusal to translate daisuki as love in most instances when it's not used on An/Kohane (but then again, EN has literally teased An/Kohane on their twitter account so is it all that surprising?).

Here's some examples:

Aibou no koto ga daisuki de / he loves his partner -> he cares about his partner very much (The Power of Unity chapter 7 when Kaito is comparing Arata to Akito and Toya)

HARUKA-CHAN, DAISUKI DAYOOOO!!! / HARUKA-CHAN, I LOOOOOVEEE YOU!!! -> You're the best!!! (Dear Me, As I Was Back Then chapter 4 when minori is at an ASRUN concert. this one isn't actually that great of a localisation)

Honachan no koto daisuki dakara. Kore de iinda yo. / I love Honachan, so this is fine. -> I want what's best for her. And this is it. (Leo/need main story chapter 14 after Saki tells Honami she won't bother her anymore)

Minna daisuki de - taisetsuna tomodachi na no / I love them all - they're my dearest friends -> They're all amazing, and very dear to me. (Leo/need main story chapter 17. this isn't good either)

What's particularly amusing about that last one is that there's a second official translation for it that I assume was done by JP staff (since EN never promoted doing the Journey to Bloom subs like they did back when they provided subs for Petit SEKAI) that actually keeps the word daisuki as love.

Yeah. I love all my friends - and they mean the world to me.

It's a better localisation than the official EN team one.

Questionable localisation choices aside, Luka's line is fine and is actually in line with the original. The issue with this localisation very much lies with Nene's part, because that is an entirely new line.

In the original text, Nene's "that's just normal" or "that's nothing special" or however you choose to TL it, is meant to be her questioning Luka's statement, since all the things that the other vsingers said that Emu liked were pretty normal things like going shopping and playing video games with nene. To Nene, these things are normal activities for them to do together, so she gets embarrassed by the fact that Luka concludes from that information that Emu loves Nene. When I dissect it like that I think you can really tell what the writers were going for here lol.

"That's just us being friends" does still convey the idea that Nene thinks these activities aren't anything out of the ordinary and she isn't sure why the vsingers are picking these out as some of Emu's favorite things to do, but it's very different from the original line. "But those are just normal things we do together" is something I just came up with on the spot, but it's a lot closer to the original text and still conveys the same meaning. The fact they changed the line to "that's just us being friends" is, honestly, not even subtle that they're covering up queer subtext. The original scene was very clearly written in as ship tease, and EN mentioning "friends" for no reason, especially since the word nor anything close to it was not used in the original, is instantly a red flag because it's like the go-to for queerbaiting and censorship. This was intentional. There was no need for them to specify that the relationship is platonic, Luka's part is ambiguous for a reason so that fans can view it how they like.

Just to top all this off, here's Rin's original line just before that Luka+Nene interaction:

Oh, and! And! She said that playing games with Nene-chan is also super fun!

And here's Rin's line from the official EN translation:

That's not the same thing, but even more weirdly, the incorrect part (super fun->really loves) is a correct translation for the part changed in Luka's line. So, they can do it, they are willing to say "really loves", just not in the right places. Maybe because Rin's part is less personal than Luka's part? It's strange actually, this isn't the first time they've done this either. Off the top of my head I can think of an example from Shiho's Varied Kindness 2* story where they translated the word "suki" as really loves, despite that being much stronger than the original word used (and the fact that daisuki is used a lot in the Leo/need stories and it's incredibly rare if not entirely unknown for them to translate it correctly).

It's not subtle that they're trying to remove implications of the characters possibly being queer, they did it in curtain call and they did it in walk on and on, and multiple times before then too. And considering some of the content in this year's events and the amount of times they say daisuki alone, it's gonna keep happening. honestly i hate the fact that i keep trying to justify the translations in these posts. these translations are intentional. what happened in the curtain call translation back in october says enough. when a character who uses explicitly romantic language towards another guy passes as a straight character in the translation you know they're doing it on purpose.

oh and once again, it's only the EN server that has this issue. The scene in question was translated almost word-for-word on the TW and KR servers.

read fan translations. they're better than what EN gives us and people put a lot of effort into them.

#since the EN translation qualifies as a leak i am scheduling this to post when the event drops #asks #mod talks #i'm going to leave this in the tags because i don't want to make the post any longer #but something that's been really annoying to see recently on twt has been the gradual uptick of players saying that there's no queer #characters/subtext/etc in the game outside mizuki being trans. and i do wonder if EN's consistent habit of toning down #or outright removing moments of heavy subtext and other more ambiguous shiptease moments has anything to do with it.#that or people live under a rock because even EN keeps most of An and Kohane's relationship intact and there's still plenty of #moments that were impossible to edit or tone down due to being plot relevant or being part of longer interactions that wouldn't make sense #if part of it was changed. like the An wedding event.#eh maybe people are just ignorant.#but anyway it does bug me immensely that EN-only players are getting a censored version of the game. it's 2024. staff can do better.#also like i mentioned in the part about rin. they /add in/ things occasionally. so why the hell are they removing so much?

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boldlyvoid · 11 months

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Bigger than the Whole Sky | Part two: from Neverland to Wonderland

18+ Aaron Hotchner x Reader

Summary: she went from dreaming about a life where she was a mom and she's loved and appreciated for who she is... to actually being appreciated, being really, truly loved and a mom of not just the baby Aaron has helped her make, but Jack as well.

Warnings: canon typical violence, description of a case including torture, starvation and murder, Aaron gets shot in the arm, hostage situation, knife tw, needle tw. step-mom reader, dad hotch, Day dates with Jack.

(18+) multiple smut scenes, Shower sex, dirty talk, breeding kink, creampies, pregnancy tests, high emotions, anxiety attacks, crying

word count: 10.4k

Fic Masterlist

Everyone is already waiting on the plane when Aaron and Y/N finally arrive, they quickly hand their bags to the attendant and board the jet while trying to act like they weren’t madly in love with each other.

“Don’t you look nice,” JJ catches it first, noticing Hotch is in a tux instead of his normal suit and Y/N’s in a stunning light blue dress.

“Thanks,” she quickly brushes it off and takes the seat across from JJ, closer to the window while Hotch takes the aisle spot right beside Y/N. “We were celebrating my divorce being finalized.”

“Oh, congrats,” Derek reaches over to give her a high five. “What’s it like to be a free woman again?”

She just sighs as she relaxes back into her chair, “I wouldn’t know we barely got 3 bites into our dinner when the call came in.”

“Sorry to ruin your date…” Reid teases from his seat.

“It’s okay, we’ll have more, “Y/N can’t help but smirk.

“Wait…” JJ’s eyes gleamed, “you’re not together, are you?”

Aaron and Y/N stare at each other with similar smirks, “I don’t know, are we?” She asks. She knew they shared a wonderful kiss and they both admitted to loving the other, but they never got that far.

Aaron just nods, reaching out to hold her hand over the armrest. “We weren’t going to tell you but—

“Leave it to the room of profilers to know everything,” Y/N teases.

“We can keep it a secret,” Derek announces, knowing the other two would agree.

“Keep what a secret?” Penelope makes herself known on the little jet TV.

Y/N simply lifts her hand up, bringing Aaron's hand up with her own. “us.”

“Oh, my god?” Penny can’t believe it. “I knew this was going to happen, but holy crap-ola!”

“At first it was just nice having a friend and pissing Peter off but… but now I can’t imagine a life without being this close to Aaron,” she shares, unable to wipe the smile off her face.

“How are we going to make this work?” JJ is the one to ask the serious question. “We can’t have our emotions compromised on the job… we worked 1 case with Will and I was a complete mess, how are you going to handle it?”

“Uh… well, I was thinking Y/N could report to Derek and when it comes to making decisions in the field I’ll take orders from him if she’s compromised,” Aaron admits. “If we file our fraternization paperwork, that’s what Cruz would have us do anyway.”

“I’m fine with that,” Derek doesn’t mind taking on that responsibility. “But you’ve gotta listen, I’m not going to be able to hold you back like I did with scrappy little Jenny from the block, over here.”

“Hey, I’m scrappy 'cause you taught me how to fight,” JJ reminds him.

“You’ve always been scrappy,” Spencer teases.

“Excuse me,” the pilot announces from the doorway of the cockpit. “We’ll be taking off shortly, do we have everyone?”

“We do, thank you,” Aaron confirms, giving them the go-ahead for takeoff.

“Speaking of, are we ever going to hire someone new? It was nice having Emily back for that one case a few months back, but, we need someone.” Derek asks, “And I’m still fine taking over for Dave now that he’s gone… but we need someone to take my spot and Emily’s.”

“I know,” Aaron sighs. “I’ve been looking over applications, no one seems right, yet.”

“I have to agree… I’ve been stalking the applicants,” Penelope admits. “We need to persuade Emily to come home for good.”

“I’ve been trying,” JJ rolls her eyes. “But she loves Interpol, she’s having the time of her life travelling the world. This week she was in Egypt catching—”

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but we have another abduction,” Penelope announces. “I think we should switch to talking about our case…”

“Agreed,” Aaron says, letting go of Y/N’s hand and reaching for the files.

—

The case is an interesting one.

Small, blonde women between the ages of 19 and 23 are being abducted, and held for 2 to 3 days, only to be dumped at Reaves Park in Norman, Oklahoma when they succumb to their injuries. They’re not sexually assaulted, however, they are brutally beaten, starved and dehydrated before being stuffed into cardboard boxes and left in the park. They’re found in common areas, the footpath, the playground, and even the softball diamond. Clearly on display but still discarded like trash.

It takes them a few days and one more murdered woman to figure out what’s happening, and when they do, they discover it’s a female unsub. It’s rare, but not a surprise when there’s no sexual aspect. She’s seeking revenge for all the time someone “prettier” and “skinnier” than she was picked over her in her life. She’s suffering from severe psychosis, she believes by torturing them like this she’ll feel better but the more she does it, the harder it is to stop.

Putting them in boxes was the way Reid came to figure it all out. The boxes have serial numbers on the bottom flaps which Penelope traced back to an Amazon shipping warehouse in Stillwater, Oklahoma. The serial numbers on the boxes they have recovered all belong to a set of 20 which were bought and sold to a woman named Sarah Freeman and shipped to a P.O. Box also in her name.

Sarah Freeman is the name of a woman who went to Oklahoma state university in 1998. Sarah was president of Cappa Delta Chi, one of the many sororities on campus. Not only was she in charge of the existing sorority members, she was also in charge of the pledges. Pledges are like nominees, they’ve applied to join the sorority but they’re only approved after a month of hazing. Hazing is just a term for the physical and psychological abuse each pledge is put through until only the strongest girls are left. Hazing is hard to go through, it’s even harder for the ones labelled as ugly ducklings… the girls who are bigger than a size 2, are typically non-white and anything but blonde.

They interviewed Sarah, finding out that they not only starved their pledges for weeks because they weren’t a size 2… they made one specific pledge in ‘98 try, time and time again, to fit into a cardboard box without breaking the tape seams or ripping the cardboard to prove she was worthy. They made her do it at parties, in front of the fraternity brothers, and the other pledges, and they even made her sleep on top of a pile of broken boxes that she couldn’t fit into.

Hence, why she now puts these women in boxes. Their final resting spot is one of complete humility, as well as a symbol of how she felt: sick and tired of trying to fit into society's idea of a perfect woman.

This woman’s name was Nina Coleman. She’s their unsub.

The only problem is that Nina Coleman hasn’t been seen by anyone in years. Her parents are dead, she doesn’t have siblings and her credit history seemingly stopped in 2003… then Penelope decided to run the name Sarah Freeman again, finding that there are 2 women with that name in Oklahoma. One who they interviewed, and is currently in police custody for her own safety and another, living in a run-down farmhouse just outside of Cleveland County.

All 5 of them get suited up in their bulletproof vests and split up into 2 groups, Reid, JJ and Hotch are together in one and Y/N is partnered with Derek. It’s nerve-wracking, as every case is, but this feels even scarier than it should. She trusts her team immensely… it’s just hard watching Aaron enter the creepy farmhouse knowing that she’s taking the barn with Derek. She wants to protect him but she knows it’s smarter this way.

Over the radio, Hotch announces that they’re inside, the first floor is clear and taking the basement. Derek says they’re still outside the barn, the perimeter is clear so they’re going in. She covers Derek's six, watching behind them in case the unsub is laying in wake and watching their every move. Derek kicks the barn door in, he checks both directions, “clear,” he whispers to Y/N. “I’ll go left, you go right, we’ll meet in the back?”

“Got it,” she agrees, holding her gun and flashlight, she’s hyper vigilante of everything going on. She tiptoes around hay piles, she sees bloody footprints on the floor and she’s startled by a scarecrow hung on the wall with a metal stake… it’s so fucked up.

In the distance, outside the barn and near the house, she hears 3 very familiar sounds.

Gunshots.

“Derek?” She calls out to him, “Did you hear that??”

“Yeah!” He says, racing her to the barn door and back to the farmhouse. “HOtch!” He calls into the radio. “JJ? Reid!?”

Nothing.

They race to the house, through the kicked-in door and right down to the basement. JJ is on the floor, a bullet has grazed her leg, Hotch is bleeding from his arm and pinned up against the wall of the basement, knife to his throat and 2 guns by his feet… Reid, stands with his gun locked on the unsub, quietly trying to calm her, but it’s not working.

She’s huge. Taller than Hotch, nothing but muscle and hatred, you can’t even really see him where he’s trapped. She’s so much more than they expected.

Both Y/N and Derek have their sights locked on her, slowly making their way down the last few steps, Y/N steps over JJ while Derek leans down to try and help her. One hand aims his gun, and the other works at getting his belt off so JJ can make a tourniquet and stop the bleeding.

“Nina, Nina, please, we’re just here to make sure you’re okay!” Reid tries.

“I’M NOT NINA!”

“Sarah!” Y/N steps in, “You’re Sarah Freeman, we know that… Sarah, we just came because your sisters are worried about you. You never RSVP’d to the Cappa Delta Chi reunion newsletter and they thought maybe you were hurt.”

Nina turns then, still holding the knife to Hotch but her face drops. She is full of concern and bewilderment at the same time, “they want me to come?”

“Of course they do? You’re a former president, aren’t you, Sarah? You’re a legacy now, of course, they want you to come,” Y/N keeps her voice low and soft, she even lowers her gun and holsters it. “Can you let go of my friend Aaron?”

“But— but they called me Nina?” She says, gripping him tighter.

“They were just confused, they thought Nina was going to hurt you, Sarah… Nina’s been hurting beautiful women just like you and that’s why everyone was worried, they thought Nina finally got the prettiest girl in all of Oklahoma,” she lies again, hoping to god that complying with ‘Sarah’s’ delusions would help them.

“Oh,” she understands, dropping the knife she starts to back away from Aaron. “You think I’m pretty?”

“So beautiful,” Y/N agrees, looking to Reid who agrees, even Aaron does. “See? Everyone here is just here to keep you safe… now, I actually spoiled the surprise, I feel so bad but… would you let us blindfold you and tie your hands behind your back so you can’t take it off, and we can take you to your surprise party at Cappa Delta Chi?”

She nods like a child, giddy with joy. She puts her own hands behind her back and closes her eyes. Hotch reaches into his pockets for the cuffs and puts them on her pretty tight and then rips a part of his already torn sleeve off, using it to blindfold her. Once they get the cuffs on her, Derek radios for their backup to come down and then radios for an ambulance.

“These nice friends of ours are going to escort you there, you’re going to have a police escort to the party,” Y/N continues to lie to her.

They get her up the stairs and they pass her off to the local police just as the ambulance is rolling in. Y/N stops one of the EMTs, letting the other go down to JJ. “You’re going to have to sedate her,” she points to the unsub. “Once she knows she’s not going to a party she’s going to go crazy and she can overpower all of you.”

“Got it,” the EMT says, heading back to the ambulance they get a vial of something and draw it into a needle. He follows Y/N to the ambulance and waits for the signal to inject her.

“Sarah? It’s me, Y/N, you did so good getting into the car,” she points at the EMT and he jabs her.

“What?! What are you— what… are…” and then she slumps forward.

“There we go,” Y/N smiles, proud of herself. She closes the door and then taps the roof. “you’re good to take her to the station. Make sure they know she’s suffering from delusions and have a doctor present when they read her her rights.”

The cops all nod, heading off while the other EMT races back into the house and down to JJ and Hotch. She runs then too, almost forgetting that Aaron was bleeding, she was so concerned with getting Nina away from him and now that she’s gone, she can freak out a little.

Downstairs, Derek and Spencer are checking out the unsubs lair… it’s a lot creepier than they suspected. She took photos of everything, developed them herself and hung them on the walls. During the 3 days she had each woman, she’d make them get into different boxes. Some metal, some extra small… one that even resembles the chokey from Matilda. It’s horrific. But she’s been stopped. That’s all they can ever hope for.

JJ gets help up the stairs and Hotch is just sitting on the bottom step, holding some bloody gauze to his arm, he’s going to probably need stitches when they get to the hospital. “Hey,” she makes her presence known as she sits beside him. “Are you okay?”

“I think so?” He shrugs, not having a chance to look at himself… even when he’s covered in blood and his shirt is ripped up, he’s still the most handsome man in the world.

She carefully lifts his chin to get a look at his neck, he has a couple small cuts from the blade and his arm is still bleeding. “Lift this up for me,” she says, taking his left hand and helping him lift his arm, “I don’t want you to bleed anymore, this will make it coagulate at the wound.”

“Thanks, nurse,” Aaron teases her. “But really, you did an amazing job.”

“Thank you… I knew she was delusional and she’s been living in a fantasy where she’s been making these pledges suffer, celebrating her was the only way she’d leave calmly,” Y/N explains with a shrug. “I really just wanted to make sure you were safe.”

“I’m fine,” Aaron assures her, still holding his arm in the air. “I’m always coming home with you, remember?”

She nods, “And me with you.”

—

They get right on the plane after the case is wrapped, JJ wants to be home and not in a hotel room with her stitched-up leg and Aaron feels the same with his arm. Turns out, he wasn’t cut with the knife, a bullet grazed his arm as he pushed JJ down to the ground. Protecting JJ is what enraged the unsub and cause her to pin him to the wall… he was protecting a skinny, beautiful, blonde woman. Of course, it triggered her.

She sits on Aaron's right side on the plane, she leans into his personal space and rests her head on his shoulder for most of the flight, she holds his hand too. She just wants to be close to him and never let him go. So when they land in the middle of the night, she makes him come home with her.

She drives his SUV because he’s tired from the blood loss and the case in general. He’s pretty adorable when he’s this tired too. He cracks little jokes, tells her she’s beautiful and on the walk up to her house, he snuggles into her side only to cover her in kisses once they’re inside. He’s had to hold off on showing her affection for almost a week and he’s done pretending she isn’t the most kissable person in the world.

“Okay, okay,” she giggles, gently pushing him back. “We have to go to sleep, you haven’t had a real rest in days… tomorrow we can spend the whole day making out, okay?”

“Just making out?”

Part of her can’t believe he said that and the other half really hopes he isn’t kidding. She looks up at him curiously, “are you sure you’re ready for that?”

He nods, “Even if it’s just a few practice rounds… or we could start trying right away, I don’t mind either way.”

“Is it even safe to get all your blood pumping like that when you have stitches in your arm?” She asks, more concerned about him than anything else.

He shrugs, “We’ll see in the morning…”

“Okay,” she smiles, happier than she’s been in a long time. “Come on, let’s get ready for bed.”

She gets him up the stairs and into her room, she helps him get his shirt off and runs her fingers down his chest to his stomach, taking it all in as she reaches for his belt. “Did you want to have a shower?”

“Are you offering to help wash me?” Aaron teases.

She nods, feeling a little shy as the prospect of seeing him naked gets more real. "I can…”

“Do you want to?”

“More than you know,” she mumbles, taking in a stuttered breath, she really wants to help.

“I’ll wash your back if you wash mine?” Aaron teases.

“Always.”

She takes him into the bathroom, she draws the shower curtain back and starts running the water all while Aaron pushes his dress pants to the floor and steps out of them. He takes a seat on the closed lid of the toilet and starts to pull off his socks while she works on the zipper of her dress to no avail. “Can you help?” She asks, making sure her hair is out of the way and her back is to him.

“Mhm,” he hums, standing behind her he begins to unzip her dress. His free hand comes around to cup her stomach and once her dress is unzipped, he pushes the fabric to the side and presses a kiss to her back.

He pulls her in closer and kisses her neck, breathing her in and taking it slow as the room fills with steam. He pushes her straps off her shoulders and lets the dress fall to the floor and the hand that rested on her stomach makes its way up to cup her breast, over her bra. She can feel his excitement as he grinds against her…

She tilts her head to the side and lets him kiss all the way up to her jaw, taking it all in, she closes her eyes and hums, “You feel so good.”

“You’re so much softer than I imagined,” he admits.

“I’ll just get softer after we get clean,” she teases, stepping away from him and turning to face him. “Come on, I can’t waste all this water.”

She reaches behind her back and unclips her bra, slowly she slips the straps off her shoulders and tosses it to the ground. She watches his eyes drop down to her chest and then widen, “Wow…”

“Your turn,” she teases, referencing down to the tent in his boxers and trying not to look too excited…

“I take it you’ve been imagining things too?” He teases as he pushes his boxers down and watches her eyes travel down to his newly exposed skin.

She just nods, “Uh-huh…”

“Come on,” he steps closer to her, placing his hands on her hips and toying with the hem of her underwear, “what did you say about wasting water?”

“I don’t care, Derek is still technically paying for it,” she quickly explains and lunges for his lips again.

This kiss is messy and wet, his tongue is so warm against her own. He backs her up until her heels hit the lip of the shower and he catches her so that she doesn’t fall backwards, making them both laugh. He breaks the kiss just to keep kissing down her neck and chest until he’s dropping to his knees and kissing her stomach and feels up her legs. He takes ahold of her panties and pulls them down slowly, instead, covering her in more kisses in place of the fabric.

He’s up close and personal with her most private area and yet she has no fear for once in her life. He helps her step out of her underwear and then his hands trace back up her legs and he cups her hips. He presses another kiss to her lower stomach, the part where she feels the most insecure most of the time… but not today.

“You’re so beautiful… so, so beautiful,” he mutters against her skin between kisses. “I can’t wait to get you pregnant and kiss your belly a million more times as you grow our babies.”

She runs her fingers through his hair, pushing it back off his face and making him look up at her with his big brown doe eyes. “Then get up here and show me how a real man loves,” she whispers back.

She gets him to his feet and into the shower, he sighs at the feeling of the warm water cascading over him. He tilts his head back into the stream, giving her the chance to press gentile kisses to the marks on his neck and trace her hands down his big arms.

He wraps her up in said arms and spins them around so she has a chance to get wet… as if she wasn’t already. “I only have girly shampoos and stuff,” she says.

“I don’t care,” he replies with one hell of a smile. “Smelling like you might actually make me sleep better.”

She doesn’t argue with that, for one because she knows that when she can smell him, either on her clothes or when he’s sleeping next to her, she sleeps ten times better. And for 2… she’s pretty sure he uses the most boring “just for men” shampoo and body wash that this will feel like time at the spa for him.

They lather each other up between stolen kisses and fits of giggles, getting to touch every inch of each other in such a caring manner is so new to her but she never wants it to become old. So many things with Peter lost their spark, and so many aspects of her life dwindled to darkness that she’s absolutely terrified to overdo it with Aaron. She takes her time, she takes it all in and she lets herself live in the happy moment, never knowing when it’s going to come to an inevitable end.

He spins her around to wash her back he runs his soapy hands all over her, around to her stomach where he pulls her in close and grinds his cock against her ass. “I can’t take it anymore, you smell so fucking good I could eat you.”

She giggles, “is it really safe to fuck in the shower?”

“Mhm,” he hums in her ear. His hands drop lower and rest over her pussy. “Do you want to?”

“Please,” she says with a breath.

She leans forward, bracing herself with her hands on the shower wall, giving Aaron the leverage to line his cock up with her from behind. He slips into her with a little stretch that makes her moan as she pushes back against him, taking him as deep as she could.

“Holy fuck, Aaron,” she whines. “Split me in 2, why don’t you?”

“Not my fault you’re so tight,” he teases.

“It’s mine… it’s been too long,” she shares, straightening back up so her back is to his chest once again, she looks over her shoulder at him and catches him in a kiss. She reaches back to place her hand on his cheek, she moans into the kiss as he begins to thrust. His hand glides up to her breasts, massaging them gently, he keeps his other hand over her stomach and then he drops it lower. His middle finger slips between her pussy lips and starts to circle her clit, enhancing her pleasure tenfold.

The sound of their wet skin clapping fills the room, she breaks the kiss to lean her head back on his shoulder, still holding his cheek in her hand when he goes back to kissing her neck. “you’re taking me so well, baby.”

“Aaron,” she moans again, “I’m so close already…”

“That’s okay to let go, baby,” he encourages her.

Her nipples harden at the sound of his voice, he doesn’t miss a beat as he pinches and tweaks her pretty peeks. His tongue drags along her neck, up to her ear where he nibbles, he groans, feeling her flutter and tighten around him. “Finish with me.” He says it more as an order than a question. He wants to feel her finish as he pumps her full.

Her legs start to quake as her orgasm builds, he keeps her steady, holding her flush against his body with his large hand on her stomach. She feels the rush of pleasure course through her veins, she can’t help moaning out his name surrounded by obscenities, they echo around the room. Her orgasm washes over her just as he stills inside of her with a moan of his own.

Lazily kissing her neck, his breathing is heavy but he can’t help himself from saying: “I love you, I love you so much, Y/N.”

“I love you,” she’s able to reply, equally fucked out and spacey. Her eyes feel heavy, and her limbs feel weak. “Oh, my god…”

“I know,” he mumbles against her, still covering her exposed skin in kisses. “And there’s more where that came from.”

—

When she wakes up the next morning, she’s in her bedroom surrounded by sunlight and the feeling of Aaron beside her. His arm is draped over her stomach and the feeling of his breath on the back of her neck. He’s been tucked in behind her all night now, it’s her favourite way to sleep, feeling so calm and peaceful in his big strong arms.

All of her, all of him, intertwined. The golden daylight shines down upon them like magic. A fresh page of a brand new fairytale, one that doesn’t know darkness, one that only knows love and happiness and peace. Forever and Always.

She snuggles back into her pillow and shuffles back into him more so that he tightens his grip on her. He presses a sleepy kiss to her shoulder and squeezes her tighter just like she wanted him to. “Morning,” she speaks softly, still groggy with sleep.

“Morning,” he whispers into her ear before pressing another kiss behind it. “How’d you sleep?”

“Better than I have in months,” she admits. “That’s a lie, I slept okay all this week in that hotel with you.”

“Yeah, but in that hotel I couldn’t just slip into you,” he teases.

She shakes her head with a smile, teasingly, she asks, “Why didn’t you tell me before you’re so into doggy—

“I’m not,” he starts to laugh. “I’m just always behind you lately.”

“Okay, then,” she turns around in his arms so she could face him. She hikes her leg over his hip and he rolls onto his back, bringing her on top of him.

His hands roam her naked back all the way down to her butt where he grips her tight and smirks up at her, “You wanna try again?”

She nods, “if it’s always as good as it was last night… I hope it takes a little while to get knocked up,” she laughs.

“It won’t take that long,” he’s sure of it. “And if you’re this horny now… you’re going to be even more insatiable when you’re pregnant.”

“Oh yeah?”

He nods, “oh yeah… not to go all Reid on you but with twice the amount of blood coursing through your body, you’re going to be the most sensitive girl in the world for 9 months.”

“Mmm, that sounds fun,” she says with a wiggle of her hips. She lifts herself so she can reposition his hardened cock against her core and grind on him.

He tosses his head back against his pillow with a smile, “god, I love you.”

“I love you,” she smiles. Leaning in, she kisses his jaw and all the way up to his ear. With his hands on her hips, he helps her find a good rhythm.

She covers him in kisses, and she sucks on his neck just gently enough to get him going but not hard enough to leave a mark. They only have 1 day off, there isn’t enough time to let any hickies heal before they have to see their friends and co-workers again… when they get a little more time, however, she’s probably going to be the one covered in little marks. Small reminders of how much he loves her and advertisements of who she belongs to.

It doesn’t take much for them to get all hot and heavy. She lifts her hips just enough for him to position himself at her entrance and she slips down onto him easily. He squeezes her hips harder, little bruises in the shape of his fingerprints will surely show in a day or two, as he helps her ride him. He draws her lips closer, kissing her for real, this time. She moans into the kiss, rolling her hips to keep riding him… but her rhythm is off, she’s too into kissing him to do two things at once.

He wraps his arms around her back and cradles her body as he rolls them over. He breaks the kiss just to look between them, he grips his cock and the base and taps her clit with his swollen head, “fuck,” she whispers.

“Yeah?” He teases, rubbing his cock over her clit again, coating himself in her wetness. “You know, it’s easier to get knocked up if you’ve orgasmed already…”

He kisses her lips one last time, he shuffles down the bed, he grips her tits, pushing them together and kisses her right nipple, then the left and then he lets them go, gravity separates them enough for him to kiss the centre of her chest and down her stomach until he’s laying between her legs. She’s dreamed about this moment, the way he’d look up at her with greedy, lust-blown eyes just as he licks at her cunt. And he does just that, only it’s 10x better than she ever expected.

She reaches out to brush his hair off his forehead and grips it as best as she can at this length. It’s been far too long since anyone, including her, has focused on her own pleasure. Sure, she came last night in the shower but that was a mutual gratification. He’s currently just doing this for her. For the benefits it’ll bring her body. And fuck, is it ever good. He slips two fingers inside as his tongue toys with her clit, she moans in response, tossing her head back, “Aaron…”

Her free hand comes up to grip her breast, she needs something to hold, she feels like her soul is going to leap from her body if she doesn’t writhe and grind up against him. She moves with the waves of pleasure that cascade over her, drowning in love, she feels so overwhelmed as her orgasm hits and floods her shores.

“Aaron,” she whines. “Aaron, please…”

He kisses up her body again, his lips glistening as he licks them, “yes?” He teases. “What do you need, my love, tell me.”

“Fuck me, please, put a baby in me, Aaron,” she begs, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and her legs around his hips. “Please?”

“Good girl,” he praises, guiding his cock into her, he hisses with how sensitive he is as he pushes inside. “shit… I could live here— quit my fuckin’ job and make love to you all day long.”

“Okay,” she doesn’t fight it, it actually sounds like a dream getting to stay in this feeling for life.

He grabs the pillow from his side of the bed, “lift for me, baby?” He asks, shoving the pillow under her hips as soon as there is enough room to do so.

He gets her at a new angle and situates himself on his knees so he can fuck her with a bit more power. Her arms slip away from his shoulders, and she traces down his arms until they reach the bed where she grips her sheets. He grips her hips, holding her steady as he does so, watching her arch her hips and toss her head back at the new waves of pleasure. She spreads her legs a little wider, feeling him as deep as humanly possible inside of her. He grips the inside of her thigh and squeezes the plush of her delicious thighs.

“Aaron,” she repeats his name again, “I need… holy fuck, Aaron…”

“Use your words,” he teases, enjoying how far gone she is from his touch.

“My clit, I need… I need more, st-stim-stimulation,” she struggles to speak through the pleasure. “Please?”

He’s quick to bring his forefingers to her clit in a circular motion, “There you go.”

“Thank—thank you, oh my god,” she whines again. Her grip tightens on her sheets, she wishes she could hold onto him but he’s too far away right now.

As if he can read her mind, he leans in closer, capturing her mouth in a sloppy kiss and her arms go right around him. She grips onto his back, dragging her nails over his skin, making him groan into the kiss. She can tell he’s close by the way his rhythm changes, he thrusts faster but offbeat. The hand on her thigh goes up to her knee pit, pushing her leg up against her chest he’s basically got her folded in half as he fucks her deeper than ever before.

Her second orgasm hits her like a truck, out of nowhere she feels it rip through her, all she can do is toss her head back, mouth open in a silent moan as her body quakes. As much as he tries to hold back, wanting it to last forever, he succumbs to the feeling of her fluttering around him once more. He drops his weight onto her, he wraps one arm around her waist and ruts into her until he reaches his finish. His other hand comes up to cup her face in a deep kiss as he reaches his high, he stills deep inside her, filling her up. She feels every drop. And it’s everything she ever wanted.

She giggles as she comes down, laughing against his lips and making him smile. “What?”

“You fucked me silly,” she teases him. She wraps her legs around him again, holding him there.

“Thanks,” he smirks. “you gonna let me go get cleaned up, or?”

She shakes her head, “Uh-uh, stay here. Keep it all in there.”

“You’re a freak,” he teases her. “Seriously?”

She just nods with a smile, “says the man who just put me in a mating press.”

“Hey…” he can’t even think of a comeback because he did just do that.

“And last night you said you want to get me pregnant so you can keep kissing my big, round tummy… you have a breeding kink, Hotchner,” she profiles him. “How could you not tell me?”

He shrugs, “I didn’t realize that’s what it was until now.”

“So you didn’t fall in love with me just cause you knew you could keep me big and pregnant for the next few years?”

His eyes roll back with a groan, “okay don’t say that I’m going to get hard again.”

“Good,” she teases. “Fuck me like that again and I’ll be pregnant in no time.”

“Okay,” he doesn’t need to be asked twice.

—

When they’re really done and cleaned up again, Aaron slips out of the room to give Jess a call.

She hates the thought of him leaving but he does have a son and a place of his own to get back to. They were going to talk it all out before this last case, but that got cut short. So now, she sits in her room all alone, half-dressed, wondering what it’s going to be like when everything changes again.

At some point, she’s not just going to be Aaron's girlfriend and co-worker. She’s going to be his co-parent. The mother to his new baby and a helping hand with his original child. She knows just how much he loves Jack and she can’t wait to see up close and personal the way he is as a dad, to get a taste of what he’s going to be like with their children, too.

He gives her a kiss once he comes back in, “you okay?”

“Yeah, just thinking,” she gives him a small smile. “How’s Jack?”

“Good… he convinced Jess to take him to the museum today, so he’s been having the time of his life, he didn’t even think to ask if I was home yet,” Aaron shares with a smile. “He’s really getting into Indiana Jones right now, he’s moved from one George Lucas franchise to the next.”

“Oh, I remember when I wanted to be an archeologist, those were the good old days,” she can’t wait to talk to him about it. She too, loved those movies and not just because young Harrison Ford is hot…

“Do you want to come out to dinner with me and Jack, later?” Aaron asks. “We don’t have to tell him anything, yet.”

She nods, “Yeah, I’d love that… he’s not going to think it’s weird that you brought someone from work out—

“Dave and Spencer are at my house all the time, Jack's best friend is Henry… he’s very used to having my work friends around,” Aaron shares, calming her nerves. “And the more he gets to know you, the easier it’ll be when we tell him what’s going on.”

“What is going on?” She asks, her voice so tiny and cautious. “Are we just dating? Did you ever want to get married again? Are you going to be okay if I stop working to just be a mom for a few years?”

“Y/N,” he walks over and cups her face in his hands, he kisses the tip of her nose and stares into her eyes. “I love you, I want you in whatever capacity you want to share yourself with me and I want us to be a family. You, me, Jack and the baby we’re working on.”

She smiles, “I want to be a family with you, too… I just don’t think I can live through another heartbreak, so—

“I’m never leaving you, I’m like a scar that won’t ever fade. I’m going to stay here, attached to you, for the rest of your life,” Aaron says, he brings her in for another kiss and holds her there, breathing her in and sealing the promise.

—

They go at it once more before they have to leave to meet up with Jack and Jess. They agree on a local place, Jess isn’t going to stay for the meal, she has a date of her own to get to so she just drops Jack off with them, she shakes Y/N’s hand and makes her acquaintance and then she's gone.

“How was your day, buddy?” Aaron asks, hand on his back, he caresses his shirt with his thumb.

“Really cool, I got to see the new dinosaur exhibit,” Jack says with a big smile plastered to his face… he looks so much like Aaron but more like his mom. Specifically the picture in Aaron's office of her smiling on their wedding day. Their smile is the exact same.

“I’m so glad you had a good day… have I ever introduced you to my friend Y/N?” Aaron asks, extending an arm to her.

She waves at him, “Hi, Jack.”

“Hi… are you my dads' new girlfriend?”

“Jack,” Aaron can’t believe he asked that, but then again he’s 10, almost 11. He’s smart too… of course, he would know.

She nods, “I am. But I work with him too, so we’ve known each other for a while… are you okay with that?”

He nods, “You can keep him safe from the bad guys.”

“Yeah, I can,” she stands a little taller and smiles. “I heard this is your favourite place to eat with your aunt, so, can you tell me what’s good?”

He nods even more enthusiastically this time. “Come on,” he takes her hand and drags her inside the restaurant.

Inside, they get a booth and Jack sits beside Y/N, across from his dad, who always sits facing the door, watching everyone who comes in and who leaves. She never noticed it before, not until Jack tells her: “Dad says that if there’s ever a bad guy, he’d be the first to see it, so he’d be the first to help.”

“Your dad is the best at getting bad guys,” she agrees, it’s something she’s always admired about him.

“You know, Y/N is good at it too, she saved me from an unsub the other day,” Aaron shares.

“Really?” Jack looks at her all concerned. “What happened.”

“A crazy lady was keeping girls in boxes and she was like the size of a house… she would’ve snapped your dad like a toothpick but I convinced her she had a surprise party to go to, cause remember, she was crazy, and she willingly went right into police custody,” she shares like its no big deal.

“Wow,” Jack is blown away. “You’re really cool…”

“Why, thank you,” Y/N can’t believe he said that. “That means a lot to me.”

Jack gives her another big smile. “Do you have any kids?”

She shakes her head, “No… but I want to have some.”

Jack looks right at his dad, “do you?”

“Jack, buddy—

“It would be cool if you did,” Jack cuts him off. “We had sex ed last week so I know you need a boy to—

“Jack,” she cuts him off too and reaches out for his hand. “We can talk about it later, but not now, okay?”

He nods. “okay.”

Aaron looks at her with eyes that read “I’m sorry” She just smiles and shrugs as if to say it’s fine. Cause it is, she’s not embarrassed or anything. Jack is curious, he’s smart and he’s emotionally mature enough to see that his dad is in love with this new lady… and Henry has been learning about what it’s like to be a big brother. Cause JJ and Will are really trying to expand their family, so much so that she’s started doing IVF.

Jack and Henry do everything together. They’ve bonded over having 1 workaholic parent and their love of superheroes. They spend their weekends playing and visiting museums and parks… it’s only natural for him to want to be a big brother if Henry is going to be one too.

After that, they have a seemingly normal and wonderful meal. The food is good, just like Jack promised and their drive home together is pretty quiet. Jack stares out the window, the radio is on low and Aaron holds her hand over the middle console. They stop at a corner store for snacks, Jack has been wanting to rent the latest Marvel movie and so they pick it up too.

The 3 of them all cuddle up on the couch, Jack sits between them, and Aaron drapes his arm over the back of the seat so he can rub her shoulder every few moments and keep constant contact with her. They blow through their popcorn and candy, Jack stays up for the whole movie because of all the sugar and then he wants to stay there with them. He snuggled into Y/N’s side, tucked under her arm and everything. Aaron’s not surprised… he’s like this with JJ and he was like this with Beth too. He misses his mom and this is the closest thing he gets to having her back, so Aaron lets him stay up. And when he falls asleep, they carry him to bed and tuck him in together.

She has to wipe a stray tear once they close his bedroom door, overwhelmed with feelings… the biggest one is love. “He’s the sweetest.”

Aaron pulls her in for a hug, “So are you.”

“I loved tonight,” she says as she pulls back, she smiles up at him with gleaming eyes. “I loved all day with you, actually.”

Aaron cups her face in his hands, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Do you want to stay tonight?” He asks, caressing her cheeks with his thumbs.

She nods, “if that’s okay?”

“It’s perfect… I’ll take the couch, you can have my bed,” he says with a half smile. “It would be weird for him to see us in bed in the morning. He typically tries to crawl in with me when I’m home, I don’t want him to think we’re moving too quickly.”

“That’s okay,” she doesn’t mind at all. “We can still hang out for a while before bed, though, right?”

He nods, “Absolutely.”

—

She knew in her mind that getting pregnant wasn’t going to happen in an instant. She’s so used to going month after month with negative pregnancy tests and being over 35 and with Aaron in his late 40s… she didn’t think either of them would be able to produce a baby so quickly. But boy, was she wrong.

During dinner she got a whiff of Jacks mack and Cheese with Dino nuggets and felt sick, the smell of the powdered fake cheese mixed with ketchup made her stomach churn and she had to excuse herself to the bathroom to clutch her chest and wait for the nausea to pass. It was so weird, she didn’t understand what was going on. At first, she suspected that she caught something in their latest case, and then she turned to look in the mirror.

Her skin was clearer than it ever had been, her hair was shiny, and her boobs were perky as all hell… “Oh my god,” she whispered to herself as her hand traced down her chest to cup her stomach. “Oh, my god?”

It took everything in her to act normal the rest of the night but Aaron could tell something was up. He offered to let her sleep in his bed once again, he still didn’t want to sleep together around Jack yet. He’s still getting used to the fact his dad has another serious girlfriend. After losing Beth as well, Aaron is not ready to rush things on him. So, she refused his offer, saying she was fine when really she was panicking. The plan was to call Aaron as soon as she got home, instead, she texts him to let him know she made it safely… but she didn’t send that text from home, she sent it from the parking lot of Target.

She needed to go buy and test and cry in her bathroom, alone, no matter the outcome.

Her period wasn’t late, she didn’t test this month to know her ovulation window and this is nighttime urine. The best time to test would be in the morning, so she grabs 4 tests, a sleeve of red solo cups and a tub of ice cream and she heads home for real this time.

She kicks off her shoes at the front door, puts the ice cream in her freezer and races to her bathroom upstairs. She tears the package of cups open and a few falls to the floor, she grabs one and immediately pushes her pants down so she could hover over the toilet and pee into said cup… no one ever said finding out if you’re pregnant was pretty.

With a good amount of pee in the cup, she places it on the counter and finishes her business. When she stands again, she reaches for the grocery bag on the counter and takes out the pregnancy test box, reading the back hastily, she tears it open for a test. It’s fairly simple, submerge the test strip in the urine for 30 seconds, wait 3 minutes and then check for two lines.

So simple… so why is she freaking the fuck out?

She dips the test into the cup, counts 30 Mississippi’s and then sets it on a piece of toilet paper to do its thing. And instead of freaking out the whole time, she goes to her bedroom to strip out of her work clothes and into something comfortable so that the 3 minutes fly by. And they do.

When she goes back to the bathroom, she does everything but looks at the counter… she’s not ready to be heartbroken again. She crosses her fingers, she takes a deep breath and she looks down at the test.

At first, she doesn’t see a second line so her heart drops to her stomach, but as she picks it up and turns it towards the light, the second line is there but extremely faded. She can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel real in the slightest and instead of getting her hopes up, she believes it’s a false positive. She thinks maybe she left it in the pee too long or maybe she let it sit too long… maybe something different will happen in the morning? She has no idea but she doesn’t believe she’s pregnant.

So she goes to bed. She doesn’t sleep. But she lays there, staring up a the ceiling thinking of all the possibilities until tears roll down her cheeks and into her ears. She has never been this close to a positive before. Every single dream she had about her baby was back in her mind, just rewritten with a better man holding their tiny child in his arms.

Aaron is already such an amazing dad, thinking about him with another little baby is so easy to do. She can imagine lazy Sundays in bed as a family of 4, she can imagine trips to the store for groceries, and dinner somewhere quick like McDonald's, and screaming kids in the playroom trying to get along… she can imagine most of all the way he’d cup her gigantic tummy time and time again as they build a bigger family. She can imagine Jack helping around the house and getting her bottles and diapers from another room. She can imagine him holding the babies in the hospital, introducing his siblings to their new baby brothers or sisters and passing on the torch of older brother. She can imagine all of them in the crowd at Jack's graduation and surrounding him with all the love in the world. Because it’s what he deserves.

All the dreams that would’ve been, the babies that should’ve been… they’re nothing compared to what she already has with Aaron and Jack. But a new baby wouldn’t hurt. Or a few more after that.

—

When she wakes up in the morning, the first thing she does is pee in another cup. She dips the test in it for 30 seconds and leaves it upside down on a piece of toilet paper while she does the rest of her morning routine for the next 3 minutes. She really doesn’t want to stress about it, it’s going to be fine regardless of if she is pregnant or not. At least with Aaron, he’s actually willing to help her try this time and he had all the parts to do so… and boy, did he know how to use them.

As much as she is excited to possibly be pregnant, she kinda wishes the trying period was longer. Having sex with him was fun. She hasn’t had fun, loving, enjoyable sex in years and the thought of it stopping made her a little sad.

She heads downstairs to make herself some coffee and toast, her nerves aren’t making her hungry but she knows she has to eat before work. By the time the toast is popping up, her phone alarm is going off to tell her it’s time to check the test. Part of her wants to run up the stairs. The rest of her freezes. She’s really not ready. And she doesn’t want to find out alone.

So she stops the alarm and she calls Aaron.

He picks up right away, “are you okay?”

She wants to start crying right away, her whole body is shot with hormones and feelings, she hasn’t ever felt like this before. “I don’t know,” she manages to say with a quivering voice. “I think I’m pregnant.”

“Jess just arrived, I can be there in 15 minutes,” he says within seconds. “You’re okay, it’s going to be fine, I promise. I’ll be there as soon as possible— wait, do you have tests? Do you need some? Or anything else?”

“I already did a test I just can’t look at it without you,” she admits.

“That’s okay, love, I promise I’ll be there in a minute… do you want me to stay on the phone?”

“No… no, it’s fine. I’ll see you soon?”

“Yes, you will. I love you,” he says and she can almost hear the sweet smile in his voice.

“I love you too,” she says back, hanging up soon thereafter.

She doesn’t head back upstairs at all, she can’t bring herself to drink her coffee in case she is pregnant and it’s not like she needs it. The nerves alone have woken her up completely and also made her unable to eat anything she’s so anxious she could throw up… or is that from being pregnant? She doesn’t know.

When he pulls up, she’s standing on the front porch with a cup of coffee for him. “I can’t drink it if I am pregnant.”

“Actually you can have 1 a day,” he says with a smile, taking it anyway. He wraps one arm around her and pulls her in for a hug. He kisses her head and holds her there for a moment. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I know, I just needed you,” she says as she pulls away. She reaches for the door and lets them both back inside, locking it behind herself. Even when she’s awake she doesn’t ever leave the door unlocked. She’s been at her job too long to know any difference.

Aaron follows her up the stairs and into her bedroom, he takes a few sips of coffee and places it on the night table on his side of the bed. He notices she’s not even dressed for work yet, so he sends Penelope a text to let her, and the others, know they’d be late.

“Are you ready?” He asks, watching her as she stands anxiously in the doorway of her bathroom.

She nods. “I think so.”

“Even if it's a negative, we have lots of time,” Aaron reminds her, he places his hand on her back and smiles. “And I’d be more than willing to go to your fertility doctor.”

“Yeah?”

He nods, “if we need a little help, there’s no shame in that.”

“I love you,” she leans into his space and kisses him right on the lips this time. He tastes like coffee and hope… so she’s ready. “Let's go look.”

“After you,” he says, letting her into the bathroom first.

She stands at the counter, her hands gripping the linoleum top. She takes a deep breath and flips the test over.

It’s positive.

Very clearly and darkly positive. Two lines standing side by side, bright pink and happy to be there.

“Holy shit,” Aaron is the first to speak.

She just stares at it with her jaw on the floor… she’s never seen a positive on her own test in her entire life. After almost 80 tests. 8 years. She has a positive. She’s having a baby.

Aaron’s baby.

She turns to him with tears welling in her eyes, they slip down her cheeks as she starts to laugh… its absurd. She doesn’t know what else to do as she jumps into his arms and holds him tight. His big hands land on her back, he buries his face in her neck and gives her a few kisses. “We did it.”

“We did it,” she repeats. “We fucking did it!!”

They celebrate with a few more kisses and then she turns back to look at the test again. “I need to take a picture of this, I’m going to send it to my mom and maybe even frame it. Holy fuck, I’m pregnant!”

“You’re so cute,” he reminds her. “God, I love you so much.”

She can’t stop smiling. She does take a picture of it, she puts it in a plastic bag for safekeeping and slips it into her night side table. She’s so sidetracked, talking a million miles a minute about doctors' appointments and how they should tell their families and the team and so much more, Aaron can’t even keep up. She says everything while walking around the room, looking for something he would help her find but she isn’t talking about it, she’s stuck on the baby.

“Baby,” he uses her pet name to draw her out of it, he holds her by her shoulders and looks in her eyes. “What are you looking for?”

“I don't know… I can’t remember? What was I saying?”

“Something about a baby registry? Honey, we have 9 months. Just get ready, we have to go to work.”

“Right, sorry,” she’s so out of it.

“It’s fine,” he doesn’t mind, at all, actually. He thinks it’s cute, he just knows the team will have more questions every minute they’re alone in the office.

She picks out a pair of dress pants and a white dress shirt with muted blue and pink lines on it… subtle, but it also screams “A baby is coming” and Aaron wonders just how long it’ll take everyone to start placing bets. If they haven’t already.

He finally gets her already and into his car, he makes sure she didn’t forget anything with everything that’s on her mind already… and then they’re gone.

“Aaron, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to be normal today,” she admits as they pull up to the building. “I'm so scared to move or jump or do anything in case I miscarry.”

“I know,” he reaches over and holds her hand. “You can take it easy and we don’t have to tell anyone why and when you start to get uncomfortable being in the field you can switch to desk duty… you can even help me hire your replacement and we need someone to still cover where Derek was before he took over for Dave.”

“Yeah… yeah that sounds doable,” she agrees, trying to hype herself up.

This is the furthest she’s ever gotten on the road to becoming a mom and it’s terrifying just how quickly it can be taken from her. She’s older than she thought she’d be when having her first baby but she’ll take it. She’s too excited while also terrified and in love with their baby and him and this whole situation. It’s perfect, no matter how scary it is. It’s perfect.

“I can’t believe it’s happening,” she admits with tears in her eyes. “We did it.”

“You’re the one doing it,” he reminds her. “you’re spectacular, you’re going to be a fantastic mom, this is all about you. I’m going to make sure you feel as special as I know you are, the whole time.”

“Aaron,” she whines, eyes welling with tears. “God, I’m already so emotional I’m not even that pregnant?”

“It’s been almost a month, hasn’t it?” He asks, “If you don’t mind me asking… when was your last period?”

“When we were on the Nina Freeman case… I had it when my divorce was final, it didn’t last that long so… oh my god I was in my fertile window when we had sex in the shower?”

“And then 3 more times the following day,” he brags, smug as hell. “And then a few more times these last 3 weeks…”

Thinking back to it, this is the most fun she’s had in years. This is how it was always meant to be. “I’m probably 4 or 5 weeks pregnant… no wonder I’ve been so tired and horny and why jacks dinner made me want to barf last night.”

“I knew it,” Aaron teases, pulling into a parking spot at Quantico, he throws the SUV in park and turns to her. “I knew you didn’t want to sleep over for a reason.”

“I’m so used to taking the tests all alone and doing all the work that I just resorted back to my normal routine and it made me really sad,” she admits. “I never want to do anything without you.”

“I never want you to do anything alone ever again,” he reaches out to hold her hand, brings it to his lips and kisses her knuckles. “You’re mine forever now, I’m not going to let you feel lonely ever again.”

General Taglist

@ncsls0515 @stevesmunsons @reidsbookclub @sweetyyhippyy @manuosorioh @mrs-dr-reid @k-k0129 @squishyturtle @katsukis1wife @babybisexual @marsmunson86

Bigger than the whole sky Taglist

@ssamorganhotchner @mrs-ssa-hotch @14buddy22 @spottedzebrasinpartyhats

#aaron hotchner #aaron hotch hotchner #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotch x you #hotch smut #hotch x reader #criminal minds smut #criminal minds imagine

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thatwildnya · 17 days

Text

venti when griffin wifey disappears to nest

The anemo archon is freaking out after his wife has suddenly vanished without a trace. After hours of searching with the help of the Favonius Knights and Diluc he discovers she has made a nest in Dvalin's home to lay a clutch of eggs.

TW: none

notes: the format this is written in what we've named a headcanon drabble mix. it will start with hcs and have a drabble at the end or multiple sprinkled throughout it. these will be tagged as headcanon drabble mix, hc drabble mix, or [fandom]hcdm.

chitters and nickers

Wild: I've started playing genshin recently and it's been on my mind a lot. Decided to write somethin' on a whim. Might make more with the same prompt if this one gets a lot of attention.

nya: i wanna squish venti's cheeks

wifey's bird cat mix

european wildcat, white dove, 7 eggs

very likely this was not planned, Venti’s alcoholic tendencies often cause him to forget protection so it was only a matter of time it caught up to him

unexpected pregnancies with female griffins can be absolutely heart attack inducing due to their instincts kicking in immediately once their body realizes what’s happening. bird brains go into maximum overdrive and once it decides where it wants to nest they’re making a beeline to claim said spot and going builder mode asap.

so imagine the archon’s panic when you’re nowhere to be found after being sick and acting weird all week. poor guy is zooming all over the city alongside the knights and Diluc to find you. once he’s combed through the city he uses his godly powers to call for Dvalin’s assistance. but there’s no answer.

Equation: wifey acting odd + wifey missing + dragon friend not responding. Conclusion: something very bad happened. Solution: it is time for panic at the anemo.

shouts at some random pedestrian passing by to gather the knights and meet him at the lair. unfortunately he mistook the stranger as a knight them self due to wearing similar clothes. and on top of that this person was a foreigner. but he’s gone before the misunderstanding can be cleared. now hubby is thought to be missing. what an eventful day for Mondstadt.

creates a crater when he lands outside his friends home. said friend sticks his head out from the crumbling tower with blurry eyes. what was all this racket for? this is the second time he’s been so rudely awoken today! bro already lost hours of sleep from his wife barging in at 1AM to nest and lay eggs. wifey did what now.

the dragon’s grumpiness dissolves once the situation has been cleared. in fact he was laughing in the end. the image of a large number of humans scurrying around in search of a god’s wife thinking the worst when in actuality she’s enjoying baby time in arguably the safest place in the nation is hilarious!

but that’s not important right now you laid eggies sired by him he’s gonna be a dad! this twink of a god can’t contain his excitement. how many did you lay? when will they hatch? how big are they? have they developed enough to be able to hear his voice? can he hold them? too bad you can’t answer, doves can’t mimic sounds and you aren’t reverting back to human for a while.

has no problem with you nesting in Dvalin’s home. in fact he’s all for it. very few humans and monsters dare to intrude on the territory of the anemo dragon once called Storm Terror. no worries here! so long you had no issues he’d stand by your decision! y’know what they say, a mother knows best!

you are never left alone Venti makes sure there’s always one person he trusts to watch over you and your growing kids. if he could he’d be right there in the nest with his family 24/7. the issue is, however, that you’re the breadwinner of the family. and griffin moms to be won’t leave the eggs alone until they’ve hatched. not for food, water, nothing. avian feline mom’s have wills of steel.

it isn’t long before Venti realizes the problem. kids are not cheap to raise. (especially in this economy) so for the first time in history, the anemo archon begins the treacherous and traumatizing journey of job hunting. it was a grueling quest, one of hardships and difficulty like no other. his confidence and ego took many serious blows, wounds inflicted upon them so deep it was feared he might never recover. there were plenty of times he almost gave up, but he persevered! his family was counting on him, he couldn’t give up. and with the power of love and friendship, he was able to slay- jk he just became a part time knight and takes on quick jobs spread across his nation.

this is quite the change to his usual routine but it’s all worth it. every time he returns to his recently grown family is all the motivation he needs. can’t wait for the day he’ll be greeted by a chorus of chirps after a long day of work.

when he isn’t working he’s always near the nest, if he isn’t in it. and more likely than not he’s by a fire cooking up something for you to eat. he’s glad you’ll eat if food is in reach. man’s on his way to becoming a 5 star chef with how much he’s expanding his culinary skills.

when is baby time? it’s always baby time in this house. and everyone is invited to baby time. can’t help but squeal internally whenever you get excited at visitors. leaving the nest just to gently tug them over so they could see the eggs will always be the cutest thing you’ll do to him. how can he not smile when your feathered face shines with pride everytime you present his kids?

finally, the day comes. he’s in the middle of aiding Diluc unload supplies for Angel’s Share when the Mondstadt citizens are given a heart attack by Dvalin suddenly swooping overhead shouting for him to get his butt back to you. get ready folks, it’s time for round 2 of panic at the anemo!

adding a new crater in Dvalin's lawn he runs to your side with heaving lungs all winded and worried. but you seem completely fine? and so do the babies, albeit two are shivering from the chillness of the ruins and being wet having just hatched… wait a minute-

Did you really have to disappear like that? Especially since you’ve been acting strange the past week?

Your side of the bed was cold when he woke up and he thought you had already left for work. The day goes on as normal, some bard performances here, archon duties there, wine shenanigans, nothing out of the ordinary. Until your boss shows up demanding to know where you are just as he was about to take a post lunch nap.

Okay, there’s no need to panic yet. Maybe your boss forgot you weren’t supposed to be in today? Nope, it’s the middle of the week. Maybe you were late getting back from lunch? What do you mean you haven’t been in all day. Were you scheduled to work offsite? No? Okay, now it's time to panic.

He’s fearing the worst as he and the others search for you. His true identity may be a secret to most but that unfortunately wasn’t true for a certain large powerful group that had already stolen from him twice. He hopes this isn’t their doing.

Thankfully the search doesn’t last long. Once the city has been combed through he flies off to get help from Dvalin. His friend can’t help but laugh when told what was going on. That’s when it’s revealed you’ve been in his lair the whole time.

Just as the dragon said, you’ve taken residence in his lair. Showing up in the middle of the night without warning to build a nest. So that’s where all the missing clothes, blankets, and pillows went. Used as cushions for the nest you’ve built in the middle of the night. The nest, might I add, looks very comfortable. You’re loafing self emits a blissful aura, wings drooping lazily at your side and talons tucked under your chest.

Doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Opts for a third option to beeline to you for a hug. But there will be no hugs for him. Dvalin manages to grab him before he can take a few steps.

“I would advise against this approach, Barbatos.” the anemo dragon warns while the archon flails in his talons whining, “less you desire a delay in meeting your offspring.”

The bard freezes at his words. Offspring? Does he mean you were…?

Venti is plopped down a few steps away from you, this time waiting for your acknowledgement before coming close. You are more than happy to have him there. Thank you Dvalin for intercepting, you’d be on guard if you’d seen your husband suddenly running full speed at you.

You raise your wings slightly, doing mini flaps as you call out to him in your beautiful avian voice with enthusiasm. You are practically vibrating in excitement as your mate comes to join you in your nest made of natural and man made materials. The same could be said for him.

“Lemme see, lemme see, lemme see!” Venti claps impatiently, ready to see the incubating life underneath your feathers. His eyes somehow manage to get even wider as you sit up. You puff up your chest feathers, head raised high with pride as you reveal the seven eggs you’d laid hours ago.

Venti’s eyes are sparkling with happy tears. Head in hands as he leans forward on his elbows, he studies his growing babies in awe. It pleased him to no end that the shells were decorated in the colors of anemo. If that didn’t scream who sired these eggs then he didn’t know what would.

Hand slightly reaching out, he had intended to wait for the okay like before. But you were offended he had the audacity to think he had to get permission to touch what he had helped to create. And you were going to make your feelings very clear.

Without warning you lunge forward. Small beak clamping on his shirt to jerk him over the edge. The bard lets out a startled yelp, face planting into your wing. Despite being a combination of smaller species of the feline and avian family, you were still quite strong.

“Ow ow ow, was that really necessary love dove?” He rubs his nose. Beak snaps are your reply, pouting at him to hurry up. Your impatience was so great he was denied the option to shake out his hat of feathers and twigs, getting robbed of his head wear. Okay he gets the memo sheesh!

The remainder of the evening is spent snuggled in that nest. Songs of humans and birds are heard late into the night, the voice of a dragon chiming in at times. Peace befalls the land of anemo.

Until it’s shattered by a frantic legion of knights still searching for their god and his wife hours later.

~ time skip yay ~

Venti sobs, clutching his bundle of joy to his chest. It had been nearly half an hour since his firstborn had entered the world yet somehow the tears kept flowing. No matter how hard he tried, the tears wouldn’t halt. But could you really blame him?

“You’re going to hyperventilate at this rate. It’s a wonder you haven’t already.”

“I-I-I *sniffle* can’t h-hel- *sob* help i-it!” he hugs his firstborn closer, blurry gaze never leaving his child’s face. “Sh-she-she’s *hiccup* s-so beau- *sniffle* beautiful!” the dragon rolled his eyes. How much longer did he have to listen to his crying?

“Get a hold of yourself. Your hatchlings won’t benefit if both parents are unable to assist due to being unconscious.”

Venti gives a final sniffle before tilting his head up in an attempt to stop the tears. He blinks rapidly, steadying his breath. A quick wipe of the sleeve and it’s back to staring.

He wanted to see every little thing she did. His perfect little feathered treasure.

The hatchling had somehow managed to sleep through his whole cry fest. Cozily wrapped in a quilt and blissfully resting from her first big hurdle. Not even a day old and she had already passed the most important milestone of her life, breaking the shell that had protected her as she grew.

He quickly wiped his eyes again. He’d cried enough today.

Suddenly she yawned, beak opening wide and talons outstretching. Eyes blinking open, she looks up at her father’s puffy face. Venti smiles warmly at her, his own eyes giving her loving slow blinks. His daughter returns the gesture.

She begins to wiggle in his hold, talons reaching to grab his shirt in an attempt to pull herself closer to his face. To save his daughter the trouble he lifts her closer. He chuckles as he nuzzles her face hearing her curious sniffs.

“Hello, little one,” he whispers quietly, planting a kiss on her forehead, “the winds welcome you into the world.”

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venuscnjunctpluto · 1 year

Text

Astrology Observation pt. 2

(Thank y’all for all the support on my first one❤️🙌🏾)

*as a sag Venus sag mars pls stop asking me why I’m laughing…I’m not laughing at YOU I’m just insane😝

*moon in the 1st synastry is so therapeutic you just feel really comfortable opening up to the 1st house person and as the 1st house person I feel honored someone trusts me enough to share their feelings🫶🏾

*people w aqua and libra in their big three are the chillest mfs you’ll ever meet. Even though I’m very chaotic anytime someone describes me “chill” just seems to be thrown in there. We space out ALOT and it’s honestly embarrassing😭 Ex: Alicia keys, lil Wayne, Harry styles, Rosalia. Harry gives such himbo energy in interviews and they drag him for it in the comments but he’s probably just thinking about multiple things at once. Alicia keys didn’t even realize lil mama was on that stage and went on performing lol. Obviously lil Wayne smokes but something about his energy…he’s on cloud 9. And just go watch Rosalia’s chicken shop episode💕😂.

*honestly Aries mars aren’t that bad when it comes to temper because usually they find ways to manage it. Now mars-Uranus aspects is a completely different story. I have late mars-Uranus and it takes me a while to get mad but when I do I can’t even think anymore. My old roomie had a tight square and she would blow up on people for no actual reason like girl sit down😭

*something about Scorpio mars men is just😮‍💨 they have such a sneaky energy to them that makes them stand out. Virgo mars are fine too they’re just so skinny and no matter wtf they do they’re always nerdy ugh (ex: Matthew gray gubler, Lucky daye, Dylan O’Brien, Jeff Buckley)

*i noticed Aries moon don’t really get along w each other. They find their own energy to be too mf much (which it can be) so they prefer being around more calmer people *coughs* libra moons like me. They wanna be bouncing off the walls 🤪 while their friend is just like 🙂.

* fire risings do a lot of things fast. As an Aries rising, I walk fast, get happy fast, eat fast, workout fast. My cousin is complaining her sag rising toddler eats and drinks way too fast.

*venus in 11th…how many tiktok drafts do y’all got😭

*i talked to this guy who had similar placements as me (Venus in 8th and moon in 6th plus Aquarius and Aries placements) It was so chaotic it was literally us going back and forth obsessing over eachother while trying to keep it lowkey. But also the amount of anxiety we are naturally incline to have made the whole situation too mf much.

*i have mercury conjunct my friends mars and for years she tells me the things I say can take people there and make them wanna fight me. It’s in Capricorn and so I was confused before I knew we had that aspect

* i noticed rappers whose lines always stick out to me have Gemini mars or mercury- mars (central cee, king von, tupac, kendrick , j. cole)

*i was talking to this guy and I had Venus and mars plus pluto in his 4th house. Months after we stopped talking our friend groups meshed and he would tell me non-stop I reminded him of his mother. He said she was the same height as me and y’all I was scared to ask what she looked like cause 😫 y’all remember that episode of family guy when Chris dated that girl that looked like Lois yep 4th house synastry.

*im a true crime whore and two women who killed their bfs had sun-Uranus aspects. Their energy was erratic and very off putting in videos. I can’t remember the other one but Courtney tailor/clenney was one.

* More spilling my business on the Internet😍 i think I’m done entertaining people my age. Pluto in the 8th, Lilith in 1st, and Venus conjunct Pluto synastry has been hell. Where’s my sugar daddy/mama?? It’s ghetto out here

*gemini Lilith generation whose a year younger than me is nasty asf😭 esp the tauruses they have their Lilith conjunct their Gemini Venus and opposite their Pluto. One said he had a slept w two girls at separate times. He didn’t know they met until the girls posted a selfie together and tagged him. They later told him they wanted a threesome and he did it😭 knowing astrology I believed every word

* sidebar Neptune-asc people and trying to give off innocent vibes ugh annoying asf to me. I can see right through their bs but they’re able to fool most people.

* mercury-Pluto aspects are in fact LIARS and throw a Scorpio placement in there😮‍💨

#astro notes #astrology #astro observations #sag mars #harry styles #aries mars #virgo mars

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linmeiwei · 3 months

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Deconstructing Mr Darcy

My favourite character in all Austen canon is Mr Darcy. Unfortunately, as soon as I say this, everybody is like

Because when I say this people think of this…

And this…

But that’s not why he’s my favourite character.

There is this famous quote by P.D. James in which she argues that Austen's Emma is like a predecessor of the detective novel, in the way that she sprinkles clues as to what's really going on with Frank Churchill.

And ever since, I've been reading Pride and Prejudice differently, because of course she does something similar there too.

Specifically, Austen constructs this elaborate character puzzle with Mr Darcy at its centre. Every time he and Elizabeth clash, throughout the novel, one of the central conflicts sparks up: what is Darcy really like?

Elizabeth’s early interest in him is often interpreted as sexual tension/latent attraction. I’m not saying this isn’t the case (you can argue about this). But what is evident is that her intellectual interest in characters is roused by him. Because, well, he really presents her with a tricky puzzle.

1) The mysterious man at the ball

When Elizabeth and her sisters go to the Assembly Ball at Meryton, remember, they go there to ogle Mr Bingley. He is the rich, handsome bachelor they hope to dance with when they get there.

But then they actually arrive and it’s someone else who has everyone talking. Mr Darcy. He’s the tall, handsome stranger who turns out to be much, much richer than Mr Bingley, and who gets everyone excited.

Who will he dance with?

Well, nobody because he’s like way too important to deign to notice any of them. He stoops to acknowledge that Jane, literally the most beautiful girl in the county, is somewhat pretty. But her sister is totally beneath his notice.

With this twist upon a twist, the author invites Elizabeth and the reader to abandon their first suspicion that he’s the hero and to consider him a little absurd instead. And this is a comic novel. By that point we have met multiple absurd characters, so we know this is what is to be expected from this story.

2) The cracks

The narrator hints that Darcy enjoys a good gossip with his friends and spends his free time dissecting the many ways in which the local women don’t interest him. Again, absurd, remember? Elizabeth is among the women he judges harshly, but as he sees more and more of her this happens:

So the reader is now invited to some irony which Elizabeth is not privileged to enjoy. But it’s all in service of the comedy, right? Because it’s more delicious for the reader to see the contrast of how much Elizabeth is wrong about what he thinks of her.

You, the reader, have a good chuckle with the author about this, don’t you? But while you’re laughing you’re MISSING A CLUE! And it’s right there: Elizabeth is wrong about Darcy. It’s lampshading the fact that she doesn’t really understand him at all.

3) The real deal

So then we get a little closer to Darcy. Elizabeth stays with him and his friends at Netherfield to nurse her sister. As Darcy continues to admire her, and as she continues to be oblivious, one evening he approaches her and this happens:

Again Elizabeth is wrong about Darcy, but here Austen adds another clue:

So… the guy who has the superpower of turning any normal situation awkward makes this super awkward situation… charming?

And then Austen adds some misdirection by immediately adding:

And we’re focusing on the irony that this guy is more enchanted with her the more she rejects him. And we’re a little amazed at how arrogant this guy is that he doesn’t see how much he is disliked at this moment. Almost as self-important and oblivious as Mr Collins.

And so we don’t see that… he’s nice? And I mean, an arrogant, self-important arse, as Elizabeth thinks of him, wouldn’t be nice at this point. He’d be wounded. He’d make it awkward. Importantly, he’d make it awkward for her.

It’s hard to get out of a situation like this gracefully. But he can. He knows how. He has that ability.

And this works as a bit of foreshadowing too, of course. Dancing and courtship are pretty strongly linked in Austen (and culturally in that era) and so his acceptance of her rejection in this manner lampshades his character as a lover.

But there’s so much more. That time at Netherfield is so rich in character studies, I feel like someone could write several PhD theses on that section of the book alone.

My favourite is the one that happens when Darcy and Elizabeth literally talk about characters. Miss Bingley asserts that Darcy is perfect, has no flaws. Elizabeth is delighted: this is just what she thinks Darcy thinks of himself.

Darcy says: No, I’m plenty flawed, thanks.

Elizabeth is curious now. Go on, oh prideful one, enlighten us mere mortals!

Darcy explains that he’s resentful, that he doesn’t forget or forgive easily.

Elizabeth has to admit that that’s a non-ridiculous answer. She’s disappointed, a little, because what good is that to her, since she wanted to have a good laugh at this expense? But he predicted as much and at the beginning of this conversation challenged her on this to preempt her making a joke of the whole conversation.

He wants to continue to be serious and this happens:

Again, Austen’s sleight of hand: when we first read this, it sounds more like Darcy is just a misanthrope who has a negative and pessimistic attitude towards people. That’s how Elizabeth hears it too.

But he tells us himself: that’s not what he means. Elizabeth (and the reader) is misunderstanding him. And he shows us, right away, by taking her jibe in good humour right then and there.

Multiple times, Elizabeth teases or attacks him, and he’s cheerful about it. He thinks it’s kind of funny. Bingley gets a shot or two in, and Darcy takes that on the chest too.

Austen manages to create this impression of him in the reader’s mind of a guy who is angry and prideful all the time, but when we review his actions, how often is this really true?

4) Darcy through the eyes of others

In many analyses, Elizabeth is blamed for being so easily taken in and so stubbornly mistaken in Darcy, but in all fairness, look at what she has to work with!

So much of what she learns about him is through other people, and so what she knows is filtered by their interests, skewed perspectives and compromised judgements. The fawning of Caroline Bingley and Mr Collins, the hatred of George Wickham, the deference of Mr Bingley, the lack of deference from Colonel Fitzwilliam, the way Charlotte views men, the way Jane always finds good things to say about anybody, her mother’s vulgar prejudice, all of it adds to a picture of absolute confusion. And the worst offender is Darcy himself, of course, because he stubbornly refuses to clarify anything about himself, partly because he can’t and partly because he just won’t.

Darcy’s stay in Hertfordshire culminates in this exchange, at the Netherfield Ball, between Darcy and Elizabeth:

5) Mr Darcy in love

Darcy really is a hard nut to crack, and in large part it’s because he makes himself hard to crack. The baseline here is pretty bad but it gets so much worse the more he loves Elizabeth and the more he is determined to hide from her.

Before, he just doesn’t care what people think of him. But now, he does care and he desperately wants them not to know that he has, annoyingly and embarrassingly, fallen head over heels in love.

Austen strings us along in this confusion until the absolute shock that comes with his proposal. Even though we as readers always knew more than Elizabeth did, and even though both we the readers and Elizabeth had tonnes of evidence and clues about Darcy and his real character, this twist comes as a complete surprise.

And because we, the readers, and Elizabeth, the protagonist, are surprised, we don’t notice another important clue. Darcy is also shocked. Like, we’re all sitting in this scene, aghast, amazed, shocked. We all came to this point following a trail of wrong clues, misdirections, misunderstandings and mistaken assumptions.

But what does this tell us about Darcy? Other than what he finally reveals through his letter, we learn that the entire time he thought Elizabeth:

Knew what she was doing, flirting with and encouraging him

Understood his prevarication

Expected a proposal

The poor man doesn’t come out of this looking good, does he? It makes him look really arrogant, self-important and big-headed. And to an extent, well, it is.

But there’s also another, kinder, reading to all this: that he’s someone who overthinks things.

There’s the conversation in Netherfield with Bingley where he deprecates those who do things rapidly as if it were a virtue. We know from other parts of the novel that he’s a bookish (he prides himself in his library), intellectual (he admires those who read), “clever” (in the narrator’s own words) guy.

Used to responsibility, used to being relied on to guide and advise people, used to solving knotty problems, Darcy approached his problem (loving a girl who is in every way beneath him) in the same way. He deserves a large portion of the smackdown he receives—no argument from me here. It does him good, later, as we all know. But when we revisit the novel, these deeper dimensions of his character become more apparent whenever we come to this moment: that Darcy’s flaws are not just the obvious ones here (pride, arrogance, lack of manners) but also shades of other traits of his.

6) A mystery to the very end

At this point, Austen begins to clear the mist a little. Darcy gets such a blow with Elizabeth’s rejection that our heart does go out to him, and then the letter explains so much, you begin to feel like he’s been wronged with our harsh view of him. We’re brought into his home, and so, slowly, we are shown that, yes, he’s sort of quiet and taciturn, and maybe his people skills aren’t exactly up there, but he’s actually quite nice, at least willing to try to be outwardly more friendly, but in essence he’s a kind person and a responsible landowner. Elizabeth begins to see that he’s rather attractive.

The reader and Elizabeth begin to thaw towards him. And then Lydia runs away, All seems lost. Wickham has been such a wicked force in Darcy’s life, Elizabeth has already tried Darcy to the edge of what any reasonable man would put up with and Elizabeth’s family exposes herself in the worst possible way.

What I love is that Darcy’s true character is always, always most visible through his actions. This mirrors the whole point of the novel of course: that we should pay attention not to impressions, superficialities (words) but to what people really are, and what they actually do (actions). So, Darcy doesn’t say anything, in fact he swears everybody to silence. He just does. He saves Elizabeth’s family in the most warm-hearted, generous and forgiving way possible.

Anyway, I could write books on this subject just because of how much there is to say, and this is but the tip of the iceberg, but I’ll leave off here. I just wanted to explain why I love Mr Darcy, the character, and why you should too. Not as a literary romantic hero, not as a literary crush but as a really interesting, beautifully written, complex character in his own right.

#jane austen #pride and prejudice #mr darcy #literary characters #literary analysis

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spiders-scare-me · 9 months

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noir hcs

(these are hcs, not actual canon so these are things that are made up and NOT based off the comics)

hc him as 19 yrs old.

joined the spider society because he thought he maybe could do some good by helping others, only to regret it later. genuinely thinks Miguel is kinda a facist.

he also doesn’t regret joining the society because he got to spend time with Ham, Gwen, Peni, Hobie etc.

he and hobie bonded over similar views, became best friends for the last four ish months before Noir quit.

quit because he generally had a bad feeling about miguel, but got worse when he referred to robbie’s death as a canon event.( https://www.tumblr.com/lildoodlenoodle/720268522059612160/if-spider-noir-wasnt-kicked-off-the-elite-spider ) (based off of)

taught hobie how to pickpocket/steal things in different places/shops before he quit. especially shops in Noirs dimension where it was easier to put something in your pocket and leave without anybody noticing.

( https://www.tumblr.com/butevrythinggoesaway/719504366077345792/i-kind-of-headcanon-noir-as-having-kelptomania-so ) (inspired)

Miguel hates him, probably because Noir rivals him in size and also questions the way Miguel runs things around the spider society.

(Miguel is canonically 6’9 and i hc Noir as around 6’5)

Miguel once asked (very rudely) in front of hobie, if Noir only dated Hobie because he was similar to Robbie. You can only IMAGINE what Noir almost did (aka assassinate Miguel) before he was stopped by most spider people who are loyal to Miguel. Basically, Noir went even more crazy because of that since Miguel uses Robbie as a way to get to him.

Noir in fact didn’t want to date anyone because of some stuff that happened, but when he met Hobie and got to know him, he instantly fell in love.

Miguel simply hates Noir, but can’t fire him or kick him out for no reason so Miguel picks on him until he snaps.

he acts like Peni’s older brother, being protective of her. she became depressed after he quit the spider society because she really cared about him.

most likely smokes, Peni hates it and always takes his cigarette from him to put it out. has dumped water on him multiple times. Hobie also puts out Noirs cigarette when he sees him smoking.

humor is his coping mechanism, example (my interpretation of the scenes):

when miles said his uncle was the prowler, Noir responded with “this is a pretty hardcore origin story” which sounds like he’s trying to make the situation a bit lighter by joking a bit.

as well as when aunt may asked if they could fight doc ock outside, he replied with “We don’t pick the ballroom, we just dance”

another one: when he, peni and ham met gwen, miles and peter for the first time, peter asked noir how they got there and he answered with “it’s a long story” only to say right after “maybe not that long”

(I INTERPRET THIS AS HUMOR FIGHT ME)

Hobie paints Noirs nails from time to time because it seems to relax him.

used to wear glasses because he had such bad eyes but now that he sees better because of the whole spider thing, he wears them cuz they’re cool.

his favorite color is purple because of robbie. (angst obvi) ( https://www.tumblr.com/lildoodlenoodle/721163033344425984/me-watching-everyone-on-tumblrtiktok-say-spider )

(based off of)

his relationship with aunt may is so wholesome. she’s against him killing facists etc, but still loves him more than anything.

his style is absolutely IMMACULATE. ( https://www.tumblr.com/spiders-scare-me/723947203857694720/tried-to-find-references-for-30s-mens-fashion-and ) (based off my own post) ( https://www.tumblr.com/spiders-scare-me/723996134618628096/no-stfu-im-so-fucking-obsessed )

i tried :,) don’t bully me

i’ll post more later if it’s wanted obvi

credits to @lildoodlenoodle and @butevrythinggoesaway for the posts i linked <3

#noirpunk #spider noir #spiderman noir #punknoir #peter benjamin parker #spiderman headcanon #spidernoir headcanon #please i tried #peni parker #peter porker #spider ham #sp//dr #hobie brown #spider gwen #gwen stacy #miguel o'hara #robbie robertson #aunt may

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blackautmedia · 7 months

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Tears of the Kingdom and the use of Hands

It's frustrating how well Tears of the Kingdom incorporates repeat imagery of hands in some form. It has a lot of this great concept with it, but never really capitalizes on it or uses it in any thematically interesting way since the storytelling is so underwhelming.

From the start of the game, Link's separation from Zelda shows him reaching out and trying to grab her hand and failing to make contact, a scene that's mirrored at the end of the game when you have a moment to dive after Zelda and make the catch you failed to do at the start. The game makes sure to have a button prompt section specifically for touching her hand.

Link of course loses his arm and gets...magic emergency surgery (the disability lens of how Link is portrayed in Tears is an entirely separate conversation. Hoo wee...) and from the beginning of the game Rauru and Link are bonded together with Rauru's arm fused to Link's body. My issues with the Zonai as a race aside, this is still another part of the motif.

During multiple conversations between Zelda and Queen Sonia during the memories, they deliberately draw attention to having Sonia reach out and hold or touch Zelda's hands to emphasize the sincerity and love she's expressing. Sonia verbalizes the connection she feels not just as family but even notes how she can sense the similarities in Zelda's powers.

Honestly, for all the issues in how underwhelming Totk's storytelling is, I genuinely love these little moments with Sonia. I think they likely did it to get around possible limitations of creating nuanced facial expressions they couldn't capture easily, but I still found it very effective by helping the player relate to the sense of touch.

The completion of each temple is marked with a show of loyalty with the newly awakened sage and some variation of handshake or hand contact.

All of this makes it more of a wasted opportunity that they had a scene where Mineru is touching her late brother's hand for the first time after being in slumber for ages and they do nothing with it. You could have her tense up, maybe have her run both her hands across the top of Link's hand after getting to experience some form of touch from her brother for the first time.

There's also the fact that Mineru and Link both have the unique experience of altering their bodies and selves in service of being kept in slumber for a long period of time to carry out the responsibility of saving the world. Both of them carry the emotional weight of having to leave behind their friends, family, and the world they knew all in service of this grand plan with Zelda behind it all and yet they never capitalize on any of this. Pretty much nobody else can really relate to this situation and it'd make a great storytelling point to focus on her.

Back to the hands though, we all know the most iconic enemy in Tears of the Kingdom are the gloom spawn, which everyone calls the Gloom Hands.

The end of each shrine you're met with a Statue of Sonia and Rauru greeting you with hands held together as they stand as one.

Hands and the constant element of contact to convey significant moments would be effective in a story about community and the connection and strength that comes from cultivating it and organizing. There's also the obvious connection of unity.

TotK kind of have an aspect and theme of community care or try to lean in on that idea, but it's also messy and undermined when taken with *gestures at everything else*

I dunno. I think the repeat imagery of hands is a really thoughtful choice to convey climactic moments of these scenes. I just wish there was more actual meat to the story to give it some weight.

I've considered doing an addendum video to my Gerudo discussion talking about TotK's storytelling and maybe some of the things that come to mind with the portrayal of Ganon and the Zonai, cuz boy do they have some...implications.

#tears of the kingdom #totk critical #totk spoilers #legend of zelda #princess zelda #queen sonia #king rauru #totk rauru

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griancraft · 17 days

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Hello, would you like to expand on the DID being treated similarly to Autism and ADHD by tiktok and tumblr?

Hi this is already getting long and I wanna post this as soon as possible so people who want to see it will see it. This is written on like 3 hours of sleep after a 8 hour shift and it took me 3 HOURS because I am so fucking out of it ask for clarification before getting upset if something is wrong.

I also want to preface this with the fact I am an advocate for healthy multiplicity. I’ve written essays for classes on non monogamy and DID. I’ve written about how identifying as separate but whole has been the best way to heal for ME. I am in no way saying that the way professionals talk about us is a complete picture. Our history is important and self advocacy is important and I think both disordered and non disordered advocacy should be taken seriously.

In the context of the disorder of DID, which is characterized specifically by distress and impairment, talking about it as a disorder is really fucking important. If you’re interested in the history of non disordered systems Sai’s card is absolutely incredible and I really really think it’s important to read. This is not a “syscourse” post or whatever, this all existed before the internet. I feel like discoursing over wether what real people experience is real is stupid because you’re never going to get into their brain.

Much of our history is self recorded because professionals for so long treated us like we were unable to understand our situation and unable to advocate for ourselves. All of these are reputable and sourced with great care by someone I trust.

https://plural.neocities.org

Alright preface over or whatever uh. Here we go.

While the DID community is much smaller than the ADHD/Autistic community, the issue of “well, I can do that, why can’t you?” is very present in a LOT of spaces. There are many similarities in how our “weirdnesses” is perceived outwardly by society. Some things are very very similar such as us being “off putting” and a lot of us being disabled to the point where we are unable to work a job. So, so much is similar in how society views us because there are so many crossover symptoms. But in terms of different experiences I’ve had people say it’s weird that I seem to switch between “emotional states” so quickly, that it’s weird how my voice changes pitch and my stims are different, that its “weird” when I switch to certain alters (my ex said this to his face btw) because they act so differently from me, I often feel the discomfort from certain friends when an alter introduces themselves with their own name. Some of these were said by systems, too!

We find it difficult to identify switches and tell who is fronting, sometimes we can’t tell until I (the host) am back in the front and things are disorienting. There is a massive push to CONSTANTLY be able to identify who’s fronting to other people.

I’ve noticed that a lot of what I experience isn’t in line with what people talk about on tumblr and TikTok and I struggled with that for awhile. Despite having the closest thing I can have to a diagnosis at this point, and doing what I can to read the literature. I do not know who is fronting if it is not me most of the time and identifying who can actually put a lot of strain on us. Sometimes we are distinct enough to tell, but not always. Many people I know also experience this.

Tools like pluralkit and simplyplural are great, but I’ve heard so many stories of singlets and even other systems feeling “lied to” when someone doesn’t identify who is fronting. For a very very long time we felt a lot of pressure to constantly be able to identify who is in the front. This is a symptom that is kinda supposed to happen though, you are dissociating from yourself.

I also think a lot of other systems find littles, animals alters, and fictives/factives cringe/weird and feel very self righteous in bullying them because of it especially if they are “normal” systems.

Littles are “weird” because it’s a child alter in a usually adult body. It’s “weird” that an adult is acting like a kid. DID is a dissociative disorder with the cause being linked to childhood trauma. An alter may form as a child as a result of said trauma. Animal alters are “weird” because it is abnormal to see people acting like animals and the (often) non speaking aspect of this isn’t taken seriously. Again, DID is linked to childhood abuse, if a child with DID was treated like an animal by their abusers they are probably going to form an animal alter.

Fictives and factives are more complex because it’s so often used as an indicator that people are faking because it’s “weird”. This is silly. I’m just going to repost something I’ve already wrote on it because I think explaining it again would make me loose my actual fucking mind.

“Things like “if I were this character I wouldn’t be in this situation” and “this character would take care of me, they wouldn’t hurt me” and “if I was this character I would be strong enough to survive” are all things I’ve thought of as probable reasons and I’ve heard similar from others too!

Also, it is a LOT easier to make something from a blueprint/template than create something entirely new in anything. I don’t see why that would be different in the brain especially if one is going through a lot already. Normal alters pull from our experiences already so it’s kinda just a more extreme version of that imo!”

And what you need to understand about living with DID is that it’s fucking weird. It will be weird. Systems aren’t any more “normal” if they don’t experience weird symptoms.

I think the “tee hee alters in my head” talk is SOMETIMES overwhelming discussions of what it is like to live day to day with the disorder. There are days when there is very little internal communication within us, and many people I know do not have any internal communication at all.

The idea that alters are separate people and not ‘parts of a whole’ is something I’ve seen people very defensive on. while I like. Get this sentiment, and it can be very very invalidating to be told this. But it’s not really consistent with the literature and if you want to treat your plurality like DID you have to at least consider parts language IMO. Modern papers in my experience do affirm the individual identities of alters while still using parts language. This is very good in my opinion because it not only validates the lived experiences of someone with DID but also stays on the track of treating the disorder in one way or another.

There are severe and dangerous symptoms related to DID that are NOT talked about enough. There are comorbidities that are not talked about at all that I like, only found out about from scouring papers. But I do not want to get into that until I have at least. A week to recover from finals dear FUCK.

#this crashed my app the first few times I tried to post it btw #Ahg #I hope people understand my intentions and the point is clear

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woneuntonzz · 1 month

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.𖥔 ݁ ˖ reflections

📞 ; “maybe it's a blessing in disguise, i see my reflection in your eyes.”

𖹭 : sungchan x afab!reader

💭 love can be a possession, and like everything owned, it can be easily lost... “we were too close to the stars.”

⤷ contains: angst, pining, cussing, mentions of other idol names for

world building

⤷ warnings: none (?)

⤷ wc: 4.2k (not proofread :>)

🎧 a songfic, inspired by The Neighbourhood's Reflections

-ˋˏ under the cut .ᐟ ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Perfect does not exist, maybe that’s true for you, but I’ve seen perfection, I’ve felt perfection. The thought seems superficial, I know, but to be in my place —I’ve had to endure years of sorrow because of this said perfection.

And perfection was in the form of Jung Sungchan.

On the surface, it might take a few blinks for one to understand. But it wasn’t solely your visage that has led me to this wistful void.

I loved to draw, just as much as I loved you, maybe a little less —but you get the point. You’ve been the subject of my illustrations, from the moment I saw you, till I couldn’t physically see you anymore.

“Is that me?” I didn’t get why you’d still ask, of course it’s you, it’ll always be you.

The outline of your profile provokes daydreams, oh how I wish I was the only one. When I saw you for the first time I instantly knew, everyone had their eyes on you, it was only a matter of time till the attraction came pouring in.

Still, you stood your ground like everyone else, just trying to live your life, and everyday I wished I could be part of it.

I draw the lines, and you paint it with colors, colors I had never seen before, colors that could’ve been the manifestation of your reciprocation.

“Good morning, I’m Jung Sungchan, I was wondering if I’m in the right place, senior Kim sent me here to fetch the package from, Y/n?” you were quite unsure of my name, I’m pretty sure you had it written on the tiny piece of paper you held in between two of your fingers.

“That’s me. Department?” I didn’t even know why I still asked, I knew well where you were situated.

“Film.” I felt as if I was going to combust, I could’ve sworn I saw you held back a laugh, the slight hum of your bass voice almost had me stumbling back. “You?”

“Arts.” Now I almost laughed at myself.

But never did I think that our talk would last for a longer while. “Sophomore, right?”

I tried my best to exude a hum as a response, before asking you back why, “Why’d you ask?”

“I see you around a lot, but I just wasn’t sure if you were older or younger. I also confused you with someone else I knew multiple times before.” —someone else?

I was thinking maybe I should be more open to variety, to not wear the same hairstyle, similar set of clothes, and one color pallette everyday. Maybe then you wouldn’t confuse me for someone else. Maybe then you’d see me and think, that’s Y/n from the Arts Dep. She's really pretty.

“Who did you confuse me for? maybe I know who they are.”

“Actually…” actually what Sungchan? “She’s your friend.”

I don’t exactly have loads of friends, but I couldn’t help but ask, “Which one?”

“Minjeong.”

I had no idea of what expression you had painted on my face with all the things you had just said, but Minjeong? to confuse me with her might be too remote from the reality I lived. And because I was talking to a guy, I remembered when she told me, “Can you believe it? I’m being pursued by a guy!” —I never thought that guy would be you. Why you? or rather, why not me?

It wasn’t hard to tell whether my assumptions are true or not, because the way you bit your lip after her name fell from your mouth, suppressing a smile I could only assume was one only she could elicit from you.

I was right.

And I was in pain. I felt like nothing but an excuse for you to see her, always seeming to have packages to retrieve for your senior, and coming back to return things to me, then all I hear is she, she, she, Minjeong where, Minjeong when —I wanted to rid of my hearing, besides it already felt like bleeding to the point where clotted blood would just block my auditory.

But my pain only leads to my deception. I hate that I had to smile through whatever you had to say, congratulate you even when you gushed about her smiling back at you, or talking to you all evening through messages.

“That’s cute, happy there’s some progress.” I spoke through a pretentious smile.

“Thank you Y/n, I really don’t think it’ll be possible if I hadn’t met you.”

Perfection is truly just anguish behind a polished glass case, and at that moment I faced you, I wished I hadn’t met you at all.

My pain and deception, tomorrow I would keep the frame of your smile in my memories, and I just had to pick up a pencil. I’ve always loved to draw things, but through an artist’s honesty, I only draw the things I find beautiful, the things worth the graphite imprinted at the side of my hand. You were beauty and agony, and as much as I wanted to say I hated you, I loved you more than my best creations.

“You drew me? That’s really awesome, I don’t know how artists manage to create such images." Did you never think of how I did it? that maybe I stared at you for too long that I could draw you at every angle, with any expression —I had memorized every line on your face, the curve from the tip of your nose, to your philtrum, and to your lips. Whenever I drew your lips I would touch my own, feeling for its cushions whilst wondering how yours would feel. I reckon it must’ve been softer, more delicate, it always looked so velvet that for a while it was the only thing that occupied my mind.

So shameful of me to be fantasizing about a guy my friend liked and a guy who liked my friend. But I loved you first, it could’ve been me. I always stuck around so that maybe one day you’d choose me.

“She said yes!” —of course she would.

Anyone in her place would, and anyone who wouldn’t would be lying to themselves.

That smile you wore when you exclaimed so blissfully, it’s engraved in my mind, and then I knew I would never have that smile for myself.

My mind is clouded, and my heart is aching and cracking, and whenever I felt it I just wished you could feel it too, just how much you’ve ruined my life.

“Your work is honestly flawless, maybe Min could use some lessons from you.” your quip was followed by a playful hit on your shoulder, then a chorus of laughter.

“Yeah, Y/n is probably the best artist in our department, but I’m not that bad!” it hurt to watch you wrap an arm around her waist as her sweet voice so vexingly amplified in my ears.

You looked at me then, as if you were telling me to laugh. There was nothing for me to laugh at, it would be a pity to laugh at myself, and at what cost? Still, I had to force a smile, just for feeling sorry that I had let myself fall into your abyss.

Avoiding you could’ve tended my wounds, but it wasn’t that easy when you were dating my friend. My friend who I had known longer than you, my friend who was a lot less selfish than me, who likely had thought about me more than I have with her. How could I when you were occupying a very gross space in my mind. I’m disgusting for still yearning for you, all when we had nothing, no foreground. You had never looked at me like you looked at her, I have never felt the skin underneath your ironed dress shirt, I have never felt the heat of your breath against my neck, and never have I felt your tender grip clasped around my hands. I was all desire and no fulfillment, and it had to be that way, not for your sake nor hers, but for mine.

If I gave in, I wouldn’t be alive for you, her, and everyone looking down on me with ire.

I would only grow to hate myself even more, I love you, but I could only see the antithesis of your motivations.

“I owe you one too, Min and I wouldn’t be together if it weren’t for you.” and I didn’t even have a choice.

I saw you to be a bit too brazen to continue to treat me like a friend, yet I never saw you as one of mine.

“You don’t owe me one.” you owe me everything.

“That’s not true, hey, how about this, I have a friend who wants to meet you, remember the drawing that I stole from you? Well, he saw it and he said he wanted to meet the artist.” you seemed so eager to push me away.

“Oh really? Who's he?” to raise such a painful question, that day I truly was not myself.

You introduced me to a guy, and I could tell it took him great effort to be as expressive as you, not that he was aware that I had my eyes on you the whole time. It was no question that I would never see him the same way I did you, even if I tried, he isn’t Jung Sungchan, he isn’t you.

“So, how’d you find Eunseok?” you asked me when you accompanied me back to my building.

“He’s nice, but I’m not really looking for a date right now.” —I am only looking at you.

“Hmm, but try, yeah? maybe not date, but befriend him. Try to see him for who he is.” I chuckled at your careful pick of words, befriend, in what world did you think I was going to befriend a guy closely involved with you?

And for what? just so it would only be harder for me to escape myself?

It’s already a torturous endeavor to keep up with your beaming face, walking up to me like an old friend you’ve been longing to see after some time. Friend, is all I’ll ever be.

With the passing time, I figured, it was better than being nothing with you, right? I would rather have you just close enough, than not at all. I know it’s wrong for me to look at you that way, but it would only be me who knew, I’m sure. I see it in your eyes, how dismissive they are of the light that resides in mine, the light you ignited. You could so easily keep your eyes on me without a stagger, unlike me, fighting all my demons and being very easily lost in a reverie under your unsuspecting gaze.

“You’re really pretty, you know that, right?” sadly it wasn’t your voice I would hear it from.

“Eunseok, I already like someone else, I’ve told you.”

“Yeah, I know that, and I know who. It was a compliment.”

I had dared him to tell me who if he really knew, and he got it, slipped right off his tongue. Jung Sungchan, three syllables that provoked the fires of my hell.

But was I really pretty? apparently, not pretty enough for you.

“I mean, Eunseok wasn’t wrong, you are fairly pretty —but he did tell me you already like someone, do I know him?” you have no idea how badly I wanted to tell you to shut up, to tell you that it’s you, I like you.

“That’s easy to say isn't it?”

“What?”

“To call someone pretty, and it doesn’t even have to be true.” It’s true, isn’t it? It's so easy to leave those words without a second thought, because they're all words, and deceit is inevitable. Your face molded into a dumbfounded expression, and it scared me. I might’ve sounded my hatred with those few words and so I said, “I’m kidding, and you don’t have to know who I like. It’s none of your concern.”

I tried masking my regret with jest, but it was all true, I am not your concern. You shouldn’t care, especially when I’m not the one your heart beats for.

I was a witness of the highs and lows of your relationship, how both of you seemed to lack something in each other’s eyes. At that point, all I could do was look away. I was afraid, so I distanced myself. The blame, the misery, I had not shown intentions out of the ordinary, but my brain ached and quaked from the what ifs and hows, and the whens.

“Y/n? Are you avoiding me?” my breath hitched, and I halted my steps.

“No?—”

“No? why are you saying it as if you’re asking me?” I gulped, your eyes weren’t as spirited as they’d usually be, and your voice was demanding an answer out of me.

“No. I’m really busy with my workload, Sungchan.”

I wanted to yell at you, I’m in love with you, you and the way you cared, just stop caring, how hard could it be? stop caring so I could finally step away without looking back, so you could live a placid life without my trouble.

I never thought I’d witness you chase after her in our building for the last time, pretty cheek bruised red from a hit you took from her. Was it over? and was it your fault?

“We broke up.” to me, your words sounded tantalizing.

I had no idea what you expected me to do, or say, or react. “Why?” and I had no idea I shouldn’t have asked.

“I don’t know if I’m being honest with myself.” I didn’t want to believe what I was hearing, and I wish that would be the end of it. “Minjeong is a great person, I know I’m not. I wished I could’ve spared her the time, and returned her love the same way she gave it to me, but she’s not the one. I fell out, Y/n, I’m sorry.”

I shook my head, your sorry stinging my mind. “Why are you apologizing to me?”

You looked down for a while, eyeing the textures of the granite flooring. And I caught it, a single tear dropping down and landing in between your feet. “She’s your friend.”

I looked away from your swollen eyes, allowing the breeze to softly glide over the wisps of my lashes as I desperately searched for anything to reply, “You’re my friend too.” It would only pain me more when you kept apologizing, mumbling through your sobs. “Sungchan, stop apologizing.”

I was bewildered with the continuous apology, and why you chose to be this restless with me. But I guess you got me, even if I was tired, drained to the very bottom, I was still willing to catch the tears that swelled from your eyes with my shoulders.

Well of course, it was easy for others to see it as something else, and I had to remember I had a friend, a friend that wasn’t you.

“Minjeong, please, let’s talk—”

“I don’t want to fucking talk Y/n, there’s nothing for us to talk about.”

Did she think it was my fault? Was it my fault? Are there things I’m failing to see?

But I'm just a girl, Sungchan, I failed to push you away. I felt temporary, replaceable, but you needed someone by your side.

“Eunseok and I aren’t on good terms right now. He found out the truth.” I searched for it through your glossed eyes.

Was there, perhaps, some other truth? “Truth?”

“I don’t know what to do.” but I was in no place to tell you what to do either.

You were dodging bullets, but at that moment I was too preoccupied with swallowing the lump in my throat, trying to lure myself out of your poise.

I forgot what I had told you, but all I know is that I was seeing you more often than the times you used to retrieve packages for senior Kim, and senior Kim has been away for two years, graduated. Now we’re the seniors, a pair with a piteous reputation to those who have known us throughout our college years.

“We should make a movie together, you know.” you seemed too enthusiastic for your own good, but still, I chuckled.

“What are you thinking?”

“I mean, like an animation since you can draw, and you seem great with storytelling.”

Storytelling? never even gave it a thought. “Interesting. Let me think about it, I might just consider it.”

“Take your time.”

I never knew just how serious you were. I ended up taking my time too well, with you.

To look back at it, it isn’t too bad of a decision to create something I could look back on and carry for the rest of my life. You were my serendipity, it would only lead me to fall deeper, and I know how much it’ll hurt when it’s finally time for us to part.

So I guess, thank you, and fuck you for being so good to me, for leaving scars that would only burn when you were no longer in my reach. Your touch was my kryptonite, and your voice was my reason to force myself out of slumber. I’m so in love with you, but my pride would not allow me to.

A part of me still bathes in guilt. I lost friends for you, for a future I could only dream about.

“Where are you off to after college?” I tried to calm my pounding heart from the way your hand toyed with mine.

You spread out my fingers, your thumb softly rubbing against them, “Still thinking about our movie.”

Our movie, that’s funny. “How about a little life plan?”

“You go first, then I’ll tell you mine.”

What was the point, Sungchan? “I have two paths laid out for me, one’s for character design, and the other’s free-lance, you know it.” your fingers glide against the skin at the back of my hand, and in a blink the warmth of your palm spreads throughout my body as it rests on my skin.

“My turn, right?” you really had to pose it as a question, tilting your head at me, so obviously expecting an answer. I could only, and very languidly nod for I was getting myself drunk with your burning touch. “You know, I really want to work closer with you, so any decision I make, you’d probably see me at work.”

Perfection is a fucking lie.

Again I’d find myself slumping on my bed, thinking about how easy it was for you to run past me. Now you had all these opportunities waiting in line for you.

“They want me to act, do you think I’m fit for it? Do you think I can do it?”

If it’s that easy for you to leave, “Of course you can.”

It would’ve been nice if you were more honest, cause for a while you were drawing an outline of possibilities, possibilities of you and I, and not just me, me, me.

Until seeing you was barely a chance, I continued to refuse seeing through your honeyed gaze, afterall, I chose to love you too much, because either way, I had no choice but to let you go.

Now I sit alone, writing books about the love I never had. Such a pitiful soul I am. I was even oblivious of the many details of this story, because we never talked beyond the trivial things, never about how our eyes longed for each other, or how our hands found each other’s skin that would sear from the sensation, the friction.

You had moved out of town. I couldn’t bring myself to meet you at the train station for, possibly, the last time. I could only wish you luck through a poorly composed text message, three sentences long.

the lovers by rené magritte 💌

sorry i couldn’t meet you today, but i wish you all luck in the world. you deserve whatever you have going for you. i’m gonna miss you.

my robbie 🥀

thank you y/n

i have a feeling i’m gonna miss you more hahaha

I had to leave you on read. This time I choose to just not look back.

And it was for the better. It sure hurts to see you on Tv, to see you deny your dating history, “I’ve dated before, but I’ve never dated ‘the one’, needless to say, I wish I could meet her right now.” —I’ve read all the articles about that interview, that very statement of yours. How fascinating. Acting truly was for you. I could no longer see where we met in your eyes.

I wonder if you’ve read any of my books, if you had wondered if I ever did pursue a career where I could make use of my illustrative talents —it got me nowhere, but you were right, I can tell a heck of a story, and so I told the world hundreds of them.

Your foreshadowing of my future was a big stain I had to carry, and hide as an author. But I would keep writing without breaking even in the slightest bit.

Because I only loved you. I only wished, but never fully hoped, never really tried.

╔══════════════╗

“Hmm, are you sure you want this published?”

“I’m not gonna have it out as is, of course I have to build characters. I just wanted your thoughts. It would make for a good novel, right?”

You sat face to face with your publisher, Song Eunseok, to ask for his thoughts on this draft you made six years ago.

“It would —but you know, I’m quite surprised.” Eunseok wore a smirk on his face, one you couldn’t quite read through.

“Really? surprised?” a low chuckle escapes his mouth, very subtly shaking his head.

He had briefly glanced on the floor beside him, and when he looked back, almost all emotions he displayed were erased. “It wasn’t hard to tell you liked Sungchan, I knew, Minjeong knew.”

“Minjeong knew?” you almost lost your breath, heart racing from the tone of his voice alone.

“Well, not until she was convinced. She’s just as stupid as you were —I mean, no offense, you’re great, but you’re also quite self-absorbed. Take it with a grain of salt, but it’s the truth if you ask me.” you watched him pour himself a glass of whiskey, and he’d pour you one too knowing you’d need it. “They broke up because of you.”

He’d repeat the same motion, shaking his head and humming when the lines on your face started to show more. “Didn’t any of them tell you?”

“Tell me what, Eunseok?”

“Sungchan liked you too.” and there you would take your first sip of liquor. “You truly were too lost, weren’t you? you didn’t even notice the way he looked at you, and how he talked about you. Just a shame he didn’t tell you after the storm died down.”

The storm, their break up, the demise of your dignity. “Why didn’t he tell me?”

“I don’t know what he had in mind, why don’t you ask ‘your Robbie’.?” you rolled your eyes at his laughter that followed. “Cute nickname, where did ‘The Lovers by René Magritte’ come from?”

Pouring yourself more of the liquor, you’d softly laugh at yourself, looking back at that bitter memory. “I showed him my favorite artworks, ‘The Lovers’ happened to be one of them, and he said it’s so beautifully made, like me.”

“That sucks.”

“I know.”

You both laughed over your wretched past, how pathetic and wrong you were. You were glad you could now see through more than your own lens, it's a whole other journey to discover and open yourself up to empathy, and it felt like contentment to finally reach it.

“You received it, right?”

You looked him right in the eyes, smiling as you asked back, “The wedding invitation?” he hummed and nodded as an answer, “Of course. It’s what led me to finding that draft.”

He hummed again, head propped on his hands as he caught sight of your gaze, “We should go together, maybe we can ask Sungchan if he’s okay with the story.”

“And maybe we can get him to act for it when it’s turned into a movie.” his laughter grew louder, making you lightly hit his shoulder.

“Well, at least he could fulfill his wish of making a movie with you.”

“Oh shut up.”

He was quite… the experience. A love that was pure misery. If he wanted to, he would’ve, right? So does it truly matter if he likes you then?

You looked again at your draft, ink at certain spots were smudged, you remember being all tears as you wrote.

Sungchan was not your greatest love, but you’ve got to admit he’d led you to a place where your passion could only grow stronger. You could say that sometimes you missed the way he felt on your skin, but it would be just the memories itself, and not him, not anymore.

Perfection does not exist, and you had to go through all that trouble to convince yourself that it was him.

Who could blame you? you’ve never met anyone like him, and you never will again.

End.

just something very short and sweet for u :)) short question, is this a happy ending or not?

#riize #briize #riize fanfic #riize x reader #riize sungchan #jung sungchan #riize angst #angst

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tsunflowers · 1 year

Text

so my plan for dealing with the harassment I’ve been receiving is to ignore them completely bc I truly do not give a shit about what they have to say. but I do think it could be helpful to kind of analyze their tactics bc they’ve done this to other people and may do it to more in the future

on thursday i got 5-10 anonymous messages either asking or accusing me of being friends with a pedophile and groomer and helping them find minors to target. I obviously haven’t done this and I don’t know who first claimed this or where. I also don’t know if it’s connected to the vitriol that appeared later but I’m inclined to think so bc both groups named a certain tumblr user (who I will not name bc they’ve been dealing with this for a while and probably just want to stay out of it). my impression of the anons in my ask at that time is that there were multiple people and some of them were sincerely worried that I was doing something nasty. i find this somewhat worrisome bc if that incident really is connected to the later harassment it means that the person who has been making what seems like hundreds of accounts just to call people cunts is capable of coming off as trustworthy and concealing the depths of their hateful behavior. looking at the situation as a whole it does feel like that was the first strike intended to destabilize me and turn people against me before the real harassment campaign began

for some reason they started by replying to my pinned post, adding over a hundred violent and hateful comments. I don’t think this was the best tactic bc it honestly took me a while to notice. I assume this started on friday but maybe it was thursday and I wasn’t paying attention to the replies on my pinned. when i turned off replies on friday they moved to my ask and I got probably between ten and twenty of the same awful messages. most of the comments were graphic rape and death threats, but a lot were also accusing me of being a terf

this is why I think the person or persons behind this are pretending to be trans women in order to make trans women look violent and unreasonable. I’ve deleted all the asks and replies bc fuck that shit but what I remember from some of them is stuff like “no one cares that you have a period every month, bleeder” (??) and “cissies like you will never be as beautiful as us real women.” I don’t know any trans women who would say stuff like that in actual rage. “normal women and cis women” has a layer of irony to it so i can only imagine it as a joke or being said to someone you know is a terf and will get super mad. it’s just not on the same level as the graphic violence being described in other comments. but if you’re a trans woman and you call cis women bleeders when you’re actually furious with them let me know

unlike the first wave of anonymous asks I suspect these comments came from a single person, or maybe two or three at most. the accounts had no posts and not even a bio so they were clearly made just for this purpose. which is really sad lmao. I didn’t notice much variation in typing style and they were universally against me. that’s why I think these hundreds of accounts were made by the same person or group, while i think the anons I received on thursday who had different typing styles and varied from already against me to just concerned and confused were more likely to be separate and sincere people

I’ve heard from another person that when someone who received similar harassment said they would abandon their blog they were suddenly swarmed by terfs trying to comfort them and saying look at what those awful trans women did to this innocent cis woman. obviously my suspicion is that those terfs are the same people making the accounts to spew hate speech and they just switched to a different set of accounts once the violence had its intended effect

unfortunately I don’t know what we can learn from this, other than that there are terfs targeting people in the tokusatsu fandom and they have it out for one person in particular who they sometimes name when harassing others. I don’t have any sense of who’s behind this bc they’ve spent the whole time hiding behind anons and burner accounts. it would be so much easier if I was getting hate from people’s actual accounts that i could simply block

also not talking about this is so hard for me bc I love complaining and posting about everything that passes through my head so I have to share one anecdote that I think is so funny. I posted a message i got from a url that was like takerutenkuujiiii that said “I hope you get female genital mutilation so you can experience the hurt you’ve caused others” and I said “he wouldn’t say that” and someone actually came to my inbox and called me “dumb” for saying that the famously kind and sweet protagonist of children’s show kamen rider ghost would not wish genital mutilation on anyone

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doberbutts · 3 months

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I just wanted to say thank you for the post about the safety precautions video. I take a lot of similar precautions (I have the same portable door lock) because of my PTSD and OCD and the fact my abuser knows where I live. I even have an emergency escape plan out a window and onto the roof! I live in a really poor area with a lot of violence, there's been three murders on this street in the last couple years and our cars been vandalised recently. I know what people are *trying* to make a point about in that post, but it does make me feel bad seeing such overt mocking. So I really appreciate you pointing out so much of this can also come from genuine trauma not just "watching too much true crime"! I hope you have a good day 💖

Yeah it's always obvious to me that the folks who think some of this stuff is silly or overkill have never really lived through a situation where that could have been a life or death thing. Which, honestly, that's great for them! I wish everyone could live somewhere that they did not have to fear break-ins and active threats on their lives! But that's also unfortunately not where everyone lives and that does include white people (although the point about it being weaponized unfairly against people of color, poor people, and disabled people, the populations that are the most at risk of this type of violence, is also extremely valid)

It's similar to my discussion about weapons, arming yourself, and self-defense. It is all good to say that most people in this country will never actually need to defend themselves from this type of harm. It's also untrue to say that it never happens, because it has happened to me, it has happened to my friends, and it has happened to people I know even only tangentially.

I have a doberman in part because I want a dog that has a fairly decent chance of biting the fuck out of someone who breaks in to hurt me. I carry a weapon everywhere and I took a fairly serious self-defense class. Why? Because when I was in college, a drunk man repeatedly tried to break in while I was sleeping and I have no idea if he would have hurt me if that door had actually opened. My parents' house was broken into while we were home when I was still a child, and my sister was sitting only a few feet from the door when it swung open. Between her scream and our dog coming barreling down the stairs at him, he chose to flee, but what if he hadn't? What if she'd been in bed like the rest of us were, away from the door? What if we hadn't had the dog, or if she hadn't heard my sister and come charging in ready to defend her family?

Someone broke into my mom's dorm when she was in college and stood next to her bed touching himself. He did not ever touch her, and she reported it the next morning, after laying awake frozen in fear all night about what could have happened. Multiple someones broke into my aunt's dorm at a completely different college and did touch her, for hours, and she was found the next morning as a beaten and bloody whimpering mess. My aunt has severe PTSD and was diagnosed with schizophrenia shortly after. She never had symptoms before, but now she sees those men everywhere she goes. My other sister was beaten to a bloody pulp by her former partner and spent many years looking over her shoulder expecting to see him reappear. My dad was shot in the arm just walking down the street from his mom's house to his school due to gang violence and watched a man die on the same block as his mama's doorstep, and now has a ritual every night of checking each and every door and window despite living more than two hours away from that neighborhood 40 years later.

I am glad that so many people have never had to consider protecting themselves from this kind of violence. I am glad that the crime statistics say that this type of violence is becoming more and more uncommon. I am still going to lock my house up and install security measures and keep a weapon on me and know how to defend myself with it and teach my dog to bite the fuck out of anyone who walks through that door. Mostly because I remember being a terrified teenager holding the hammer out of my toolbox to my chest and staring at my fire escape door until the banging stopped at 3 AM.

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spacelazarwolf · 9 months

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I really hate how often neo ra/df/ems will go on and on about how trans fem's transitions are waaaaaay more difficult and they're waaaaaay less likely to pass, but if a trans masc dared to make any similar comparisons, they'd be fucking crucified.

There are a lot of feelings I have around sex-based discrimination and the difficulties of a masculinizing transition. On one hand, I don't think comparing struggles like that is useful (i.e. trans women have harder transitions).

On the other hand, I feel like the reality of the situation is actually quite the opposite for many people (everyone acknowledges that testosterone makes your voice drop and you grow hair, but nobody seems to want to acknowledge hysterectomy vs orchi, voice training is still often needed, electrolysis for phallo, the fact that bottom surgery is usually multi-staged [even metoidioplasty is sometimes 2 stages] with a lot of moving parts and far worse scarring, top surgery is almost a necessity for passing whereas not every trans fem wants top surgery + scars are easier to hide, face masculinization is far less common w/ fewer options, puberty begins earlier in perisex people AFAB and puberty blockers don't always allow for full height to be achieved bc they don't typically allow you to start testosterone until you're about 15 even IF you were a "classic" trans-since-3-years-old kinda case, the extreme body horror that is accidental pregnancy and abortion and menstruation when that's dysphoric vs not being able to carry a pregnancy just feels like an insulting comparison sometimes and I've had multiple trans women call me inconsiderate for expressing horror at getting my bodily rights taken away bc "that triggers my dysphoria", testosterone is a scheduled substance and has more difficult administration methods than simply a pill, etc.)

And so I bite my tongue and try to be the better person, because stooping to that low doesn't help anything. But at the same time it's so extremely frustrating to be told that you "have it better" when, considering the facts, it REALLY feels like the opposite. There's this level of bitterness around that that I am DESPERATELY trying to resolve within myself. I have a therapist. I know it's projection. I'm working on my own bullshit. But please tell me I'm not alone in feeling this way? I just wish they'd stop with that rhetoric and realize just how difficult the average trans masc transition truly is

yeah it's really frustrating for ppl to present Trans Women's Experiences and Trans Men's Experiences as diametrically opposed, with one experience being Eternal Pain And Inescapable Suffering and the other being Barely A Blip On The Life Radar. and while i understand it's coming from a place of pain, i've also experienced a lot of trans women shutting me down when i try to talk about how abortion rights affect me. back when i was first dipping my toe into trans spaces, i was friends with a trans woman who told me it was transmisogynistic of me to want to transition because "trans women would kill to have been born in your body." and while it absolutely comes from a different place than when cis men try to assert control over me and there's not the same power dynamic, it's still a complete stranger feeling entitled to tell me what to do with my body because of the sex i was assigned at birth. it's frustrating to have people i'm supposed to be in community with play into the same sexist bullshit that other people, regardless of gender, have been holding over my head my whole life, feeling like they own my body bc women and ppl who are forcibly assigned the role of women in society are seen as public property. our bodies aren't our own. everyone feels entitled to comment on them and touch them and make decisions about them. and it sucks when it comes from other people who should understand how that feels.

and like. obviously this idea that trans men's transition is so much easier than trans women's is unhelpful bc 1. there is no one particular way for trans men to transition, 2. not everyone who transitions in the way typically associated with trans men is a trans man, 3. it doesn't take into account how disability, race, ethnicity, etc. play into people's experiences before, during, and after transition, and 4. it's just not a fucking competition????? the fact that a disabled black trans man is going to be more systemically oppressed in society than a wealthy white trans woman doesn't mean trans men as a category are Objectively More Oppressed than trans women. bc gender is like. the worst possible way to try to gauge a group's place within the system. bc at this point, gender is not the most powerful system, race is. and i feel like a fuck ton of people really do not recognize that.

another thing that has bugged me for as long as i've been in trans spaces is this bizarre attitude that trans women are doomed to this miserable life of clockability and will never be able to pass as cis women thus they must accept that their life will be nothing but pain and suffering. and that's just very much not true! i know plenty of trans women who "pass" or who are happy with their bodies, who have jobs they love and friends and family who love them, who have a community that supports and celebrates them. and it has just always rubbed me the wrong way that people think they're helping trans women by presenting their existence as Inevitably Miserable when all it does is terrify closeted trans girls who think they're better off never coming out or transitioning, or better off dying. like. we have to understand that these narratives we create, the idea of the perpetually suffering trans woman and the lonely isolated trans man, are absolutely driving people to suicidal ideation. and if we give a shit about trans people, we should be changing these narratives.

#ask avishai #atm

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