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that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction · 26 days

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Angsty fight/venting alternate ending

(Part two to this)

For @guiltyscarlet and @aceauthorcatqueen who asked for the angsty ending

CW for major character death. I’m not sure if this counts as dark!Arthur but there is murder scene so mild description of injury. There’s also self destruction from Merlin, possibly self harm, I’m not sure where it falls, and a mental breakdown or two here as well. Also canonical character death right at the end but it’s not graphic.

You’ve all been warned. You’re responsible for your online media consumption so take care of yourselves and don’t read if you think this will negatively affect you.

(Click more for angsty shit.)

I imagine this version to happen around season 5, if it was the hurt/comfort version, I’d say between season seasons 2/3 but the angst needs more time to have the full effect. Merlin is worried because of Mordred and the disir and everything else going on.

After Arthur says “Really. All you do is follow orders. It’s not hard.” Merlin looks over, angry and upset, but when he sees Arthur’s attempt at caring, tears start pooling in his eyes.

Arthur looks startled, unsure what to do, when Merlin looks away, shakes his head and whispers brokenly “Fight me” and it sounds so defeated, like really the last words of a man who’s officially given up. Arthur doesn’t move, and Merlin looks up again, something pleading in his eyes, as he begs, “Fight me. Please.”

Arthur’s in new territory now, their fights have never had anything other than frustration or anger or irritation, occasionally jealousy after that one time where he thought someone was flirting with Merlin Arthur would never admit to. But Merlin seems like he’s just going to use it to get beat up and hurt more. It goes against what they do, and he’s seen Knights fall to similar fates after such things got too far. So Arthur is terrified, he doesn’t want to lose Merlin and doesn’t know how to help so he can keep him.

So he asks “What’s going on?” Breaking the script and throwing Merlin off. Which definitely isn’t something he needs, while he’s that close to a breakdown all he really wants is to remember that the world will keep going forward so he can figure out how to keep going forward too, he really just needs a constant that he can rely on. Arthur’s attitude tends to be a pendulum swing between an array of things depending on multiple factors out of Merlin’s control so he can never figure out what side he’s going to get. So he’s resorted to their fight vents. It’s also not what he needs, but it’s consistent. He can shout or scream, throw a punch, take a punch or two, and then focus on the ache in his muscles instead of the pain in his chest and head.

Merlin doesn’t reply to Arthur’s question, instead he stands up and drops his stance, telling Arthur again to fight him. Arthur knows he isn’t going to get anywhere so he stands up too and as soon as he’s on his feet, Merlin is throwing a punch at him. Arthur manages to partially dodge, taking a hit to his shoulder instead of his face.

It’s right over the questing beast scar, if anyone’s wondering. If I was properly writing this, I’d have a parallel between Arthur’s scars from times Merlin’s saved him and where Merlin is hitting. Probably something about all the times Merlin saved him and how because they’re two sides of the same coin, destroying himself is destroying Arthur too.

Anyway.

Arthur realises how much it hurt, and how Merlin really isn’t pulling any punches now. He starts fighting back, properly defending himself while Merlin dances around him. With each punch there’s choked back sobs or hitches in his breath.

Arthur realises Merlin is crying and tries to help him with something of their normal routine. It helps Arthur, so hopefully it’ll help Merlin too. It doesn’t, of course. But he does try.

He tries taunting Merlin into talking about it, “don’t cry, your fighting skills aren’t that bad.”

Merlin growls through his tears, biting back, “Why? Not worth my tears?” As he attacks viciously and relentlessly.

It confuses Arthur, because that’s what he said about the dragonlord years ago. “You can’t cry over every fallen soldier.” Arthur bites out, dodging a particularly harsh punch aimed at his jaw. And he’s known that lesson for a long time, he kept it with him when he lost young knights while he was still a prince, all his fallen comrades, his best knight, his brother in law, all of them.

“He wasn’t a soldier!” Merlin screamed as Arthur felt his head snap to the side with a punch to his jaw. It’d definitely bruise, but he could blame it on training. “He wasn’t supposed to die!” Another punch knocks Arthur over, “I was supposed to save him!” Merlin jumps on him, and Arthur can barely process that, only just rolling out of the way from instinct alone. Merlin doesn’t move away to come after Arthur, just crumbles on the floor, punching the stone weakly while sobbing.

“It’s my fault.” He says brokenly, “I couldn’t save them, how can I save you?” His body is wracked with sobs, he can hardly see for the tears blurring his eyes, and Arthur is behind him unsure what to do.

Merlin gets a ringing in his ears, sharp and piercing and he can hear his heart beating, breath comes short to him, images of Mordred thrusting a sword into Arthur’s middle playing over and over in his head.

“I- I couldn’t- I can’t-“ he’s clutching at his throat, trying to breathe, trying to think of anything to say, as he scrambles at his neckerchief, he can’t get it off. In a moment of clarity, he desperately cries out, “Arthur?”

Arthur is there, ripping through the fabric and rubbing up and down Merlin’s back to get him to breathe.

“Why is it your responsibility to protect people better equipped to handle dangerous situations than you are?” Arthur asks quietly, not fighting anymore but Merlin shrugs him off.

“They aren’t knights.” He’s gritting his teary and the words have a bite Arthur knows means Merlin isn’t done. “Will, Freya, Balinor, they weren’t knights.” Merlin gets angrier and angrier as he’s speaking, “and I’m not some hopeless wimp like you think I am, Sire.”

Merlin pushes himself up and paces the length of the fire place. “It’s my duty to keep you safe.”

“You’re not a knight!”

Arthur stands up too, yelling in frustration at not understanding what’s going on with Merlin. He’s frustrated at Merlin for being stubborn and at himself for not knowing what to do. Clearly, Merlin wants to fight. Both times he tried letting him speak, Merlin went back to biting and anger and whatever else was left as a result of his pain. Now he’s hopelessly letting Merlin lead him but Merlin isn’t in the mental state to know what he needs.

It’s a new situation for them both, and they’re struggling.

They argue some more, Merlin shoves Arthur back a few times when he’s unintentionally insensitive. “Balinor wasn’t even necessary for defeating the dragon!” “I can protect myself just fine without you cowering behind trees ten feet away!” “William was a sorcerer!”

At some point, Merlin snaps, shoves Arthur back again though not hard enough to fall, and yells that he has magic. Arthur, feeling betrayed and already frustrated from their fight not working, throws a full force, vicious punch. Merlin palms it, and starts yelling about everything he’s done.

Arthur’s getting angrier, and angrier, and angrier. And he isn’t truly angry, he’s hurt, betrayed, confused, lost, afraid, and a billion and one other emotions all at once. But anger is easier to feel, so he defaults to that.

Arthur stars really fighting Merlin, yelling about the lies and “how could he keep this a secret? Why would he lie for ten years?” Merlin doesn’t even have a chance to reply, too busy dodging or minimising the damage Arthur can do. It’s reversed at this point, and Arthur is the one trained to kill with hand to hand.

Merlin is struggling to keep up.

His nose is definitely broken, he’s covered in bruises, his muscles are burning and he’s more focused on just getting Arthur to calm down.

It doesn’t work, and at some point, Merlin ends up pressed against the wall with Arthur pinning him by the throat. Arthur’s still yelling his questions and accusations about Merlin’s magic. It takes a while, he’s pinned and loosing air for a few minutes.

It never even crosses his mind to use it to get away when Arthur starts pressing too hard against his windpipe and Merlin’s vision starts blurring and fading darker.

Arthur notices this and yells at Merlin to defend himself and fight back, Merlin only rasps out, “won’t hurt you,” before going limp. Arthur steps back, and Merlin crumples to the floor.

It’s at that point that he sees Merlin bleeding from a gaping head wound and notices his knuckles broken from where his rings have shattered them during their fight. He panics and pulls off his shirt to press to the head wound.

Arthur is left trying to stop the bleeding, he scoops Merlin up, calls for guards and grabs the first aid kit Merlin made him keep in his rooms a few months after working for Arthur (after the Sophia incident) the guards come in and he immediately sends them to Gaius, starting to stitch Merlin’s head and doing everything he can.

Merlin’s breath is fading and his heart rate is sluggish at best.

It takes another five minutes for Gaius to get there, by that time it’s too late and Merlin is going to die.

Gaius knows this, and the most he can do is give Merlin pain killers, but even if he survives he won’t wake up and he’ll have a few weeks at most of being comatose because of medieval medicine. (This is not historically accurate, but I can’t be arsed with research)

Arthur can’t accept this. He keeps trying to stop Merlin’s bleeding and covering his head in honey to fight infection and anything else that isn’t doing anything. Gaius tries to pull Arthur away but he refuses, and threatens Gaius with execution if he stops Arthur from saving his Merlin.

In the end, Arthur is working on Merlin’s head for two hours before he stops breathing and his heart gives out fully and half an hour after he’s died. Gaius declares Merlin dead and Arthur can do nothing but scream. It takes four knights to hold him down so they can take Merlin’s body away.

Arthur still doesn’t understand why Merlin wanted to fight him, and it takes him a long time to remember anything Merlin said about magic, or Balinor, or protecting Arthur. By the time he remembers, Gaius has left Camelot in his grief so he has no one to ask for answers.

Arthur goes mad, seeking answers from Druids and other magic users, all the stories about Emrys make him believe people are lying to him because Merlin couldn’t be the most powerful sorcerer and not tell him about it. After Merlin lied for ten years, Arthur closes himself off and doesn’t trust anyone. He’s paranoid and in his Paranoia, he’s killed by Mordred who’s angry that Arthur killed Emrys, the golden age doesn’t happen and magic fades from the land.

The end :)

—

Thoughts?? Hope you enjoyed :)

I tried to keep it as mild as I could, if I wrote this properly it’d most likely end up a lot more graphic and with a lot more character analysis and emotional shit. I don’t know what I’m allowed to post on here but this is about as mild as I can make it without loosing any of the important bits.

I could easily write 20-30k of this but I’m not starting anything new at the moment. I might come back to it at some point to turn it into a full fic but it won’t be for a while yet. I’ll see what the dopamine decides when I have time and energy for another project.

#bbc merlin #merlin #merlin emrys #arthur pendragon #merlin bbc #angst #hurt/no comfort #merlin fanfic #merlin fic #merthur #sort of #I never said it was happy merthur #i’m bad at tagging

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serialunaliver · 3 months

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yo hey hi i like hearing ur thoughts, they’re an interesting perspective. anyways i’m coming to u today because i genuinely have no idea who else to ask 😭😭😭 no need to reply either, i’ll work it out eventually but you seem more experienced and maybe you might know something about this?? anyways for a whole decade or so i thought (the symptoms of) psychosis were a normal thing that everyone experienced, and then i was a bit too honest with my mother and found out that no, it wasn’t, apparently? she wants me to talk to a psychiatrist and try to see if i can get on meds for that, but i’m not sure i should. like, generally i guess it interrupts my life, but it’s not THAT big of a deal to me?? like the memory issues that come with it really suck and does tend to affect a lot of my life, and it sucks not really being able to trust the memories i do have, but the other stuff i think i can handle just fine. like the hallucinations usually only affect me for a little and then i can focus (although sometimes they appear while driving which is frightening, but still, it’s brief and i doubt i’d crash). anyways i’m troubled about this because i hear that antipsychotic medication tends to have especially negative side effects. like i’m willing to take them if they can definitely fix my memory problems but it sounds like it’s just not worth it?? especially weighing the pros and cons, im just not sure i should do it. idk,, what do you think? or is there a third option here. maybe i should just look into a lobotomy

i'm not sure exactly what all your symptoms are but there are different psychotic disorders and some can be more manageable than others depending on the severity of the psychosis. mine is based more in a 'delusional' thought process. therapists believe I hallucinate but I think it's just a combination of dissociation and hyperphantasia (vivid mental imagery).

driving is an issue for some psychotic people because of distracting hallucinations and it can still be dangerous so you should probably talk to a doctor and see what your options are.

knowing beforehand that side effects of antipsychotics can be negative helps because you can ease into things but I want to clarify that most people on antipsychotics do not end up with the level of neurological damage I have. this was a result of being severely overmedicated on them as a minor and it would not have happened if I had autonomy in treatment and knew what to expect. there are plenty of people who stay on *normal* doses of antipsychotics and are fine with it. it really depends on whether you have a better quality of life on or off them. i'm lucky that my family can support me but they still would prefer I be on antipsychotics.

good luck and don't be afraid to advocate for yourself <3

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itmightrain · 5 months

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"Hodgkin's Lymphoma was one of the first cancers that was shown to be really responsive to both chemotherapy and radiation, so even though chemotherapy sucks, I knew we were going to do that. [...] I was 100% on board with chemo, and it's definitely extended my life, it's probably saved my life and I'll die of some other thing.

And three of the four chemo drugs that I was on are natural. They're from nature. Vinblastine comes from the Madagascar Periwinkle. It's just in a cute little flower, it was known to the indigenous people of Madagascar, scientists checked it out and found that it had a bunch of anti-cancer properties. Another one, Adriamycin, also called Doxorubicin, was found in microbes in the soil at the base of an Italian castle. The third, Bleomycin, was also found in a soil microbe called Streptomyces Verticillus. [...] Streptomyces Verticillus was never used in traditional medicine as far as we know, but all three of these molecules are both natural compounds and very effective chemotherapies for Hodgkin's Lymphoma (and some of them for other things).

And they've been tested, not just to see if they're effective, but to see:

What doses are most effective

Which cancers they're most effective against

How dangerous they are

What side effects are most common

How they effect women vs men

How they effect people based on their age

Their efficacy at different stages of cancer

How long you can safely take them

Which side effects are most serious and how to minimize those complications, both in the short-term and the long-term [...]

Cancers are not chill! Treatments have to be high impact because these are high impact and sneaky diseases. And so it's kind of amazing that we're in this point in history where a lot of these medicines have been tested in a lot of different ways to see what their best dosing schedule is, to see how little you can take without increasing the chances that the cancer will come back, to know how to be prepared for potential side effects. This is the slow, careful, tedious work of medical research, and it made the cancer treatment that I have just been through way less awful than it would've been just ten years ago.

During the time when I was publicly living with cancer and talking about cancer treatment, I received almost universally good vibes. Like I just want to be clear about that, people were amazing. But I did get some folks who would come to me and say that I would have a better outcome and be healthier if I took a more natural route, by which they meant that I should not be doing chemotherapy. [...]

The question becomes: if most of my cancer treatments came from nature, what do they mean when they say that I should be doing more natural treatments?

I gotta be clear here too, when it comes to like Epsom salt baths and acupuncture during chemotherapy, yes I'm in favor of all of that. If you want to do it and your doctor is telling you it's not going to do any harm and you feel like it's going to do good? Do it. [...] And there are also supplements that we know don't hurt and we think might help. [...] As long as you're talking to your doctor about it and it doesn't look like there's negative consequences I say do it.

There are some things that look like they might have some positive effect, but nothing has a positive effect like actual cancer treatment. So skipping those actual cancer treatments in favor of natural treatment makes me wonder: what do you mean by "natural"?

And here it is. I'm not sugarcoating this. I don't know a nicer way to say it. When we say natural cancer treatment, what we mean is something that either we don't know it works, or we know that it doesn't work, or we know that it does more harm than good. That's the only things that we mean when we say "natural cancer treatment", because otherwise a "natural cancer treatment" would include the three compounds from nature that I put in my body to cure my cancer.

The majority of cancer cases on earth, and an even greater majority of cancer deaths on Earth, happen outside of high-income countries. Those people don't die of cancers because they don't have access to coffee enemas or cannabis oil or apricot pits. They die because they don't have access to chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, and screening.

- Hank Green, Did "Natural" Cancer Treatments Save My Life?

#hank green #cancer #good words #science #vlogbrothers

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pippin-katz · 9 months

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RWRB Essay Part Six: Keeping It Light

Word Count: 719

I've definitely seen some people upset that the leak wasn't played as big of a deal as it was in the book. I think this change is tied to the role of Miguel filling in for Richards, and I believe it's intentionally not as intense as the book.

They have made it clear that the movie's goal is lift people's spirits, to give them hope and courage for the future, to make them feel seen, and bring joy.

The side plot of Ellen's competitor legitimately stalking her son and setting him up is fucking horrible to say in the least. That part of the book is the heaviest of the despair and public humiliation that hits them.

While it's important to the plot that the emails get leaked, I think Matthew made a point of skipping around it a little because it would've brought the entire tone of the movie down to a truly depressing state. It's heartbreaking to read, and probably would've been absolutely devastating to watch, and while there's angst, Alex and Henry's story is meant to be a happy one, an inspiring one. They would not have had the time to properly engage with that level of angst and then get out of it without the viewer getting whiplash.

I think that's probably also why the conversation with the king was far shorter than the conversation with the queen in the book. With the goal being to make people happy, spending too long on the seriously negative parts of the narrative would have been problematic and counterproductive. Like I said in part two of this essay, Casey had all the time in the world to set that up and drop that bomb on the reader, and then all the time in the world to get Alex and Henry to climb out of the hole they'd fallen into.

The movie doesn't remove all the angst and heartbreak, but it does its best not to pull the viewer out of the fantasy. When something on screen hits too close to reality, when it's not supposed to, it can ruin the movie experience.

I just watched Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade the other day, and legitimately had myself yanked painfully back into reality with the Nazi scenes, specifically the book burning one. That movie takes place in the past, the idea being that things aren't like that anymore, but with the way things have been going in America, and specifically in the state of Florida, where I live, it was too much. It used to be ridiculous to watch historical fiction where Nazi's hung swastikas everywhere and burned books, but now I see pictures of modern day swastikas being worn and flown and it crushed me. I couldn't enjoy the rest of the movie, despite it obviously being a piece of action/historical fiction about the Holy Grail, not actually about WWII.

I think it's also why they removed the Luna and Richards plotline, because an older Republican politician using their position to take advantage of young girls and boys is very, very dark. It's too close to what we hear coming out of the news every day.

I can also see this being the reason they decided to keep Ellen and Oscar together in this version. The book has the time to go into how their divorce both negatively and positively effected their family dynamic.

I saw someone complaining that Oscar talking about his and Ellen's relationship being a risk didn't work because they were still together, and the conversation in the book is to make Alex realize that it's worth it even if it doesn't work.

Yes, that's the point in the book. That is not the goal in the movie.

Again, they wanted this to be a fantasy romance that uplifted everyone. Approaching that decision with the more pessimistic idea that they probably wouldn't work paints a different mood than the hope his parents being together gives Alex for him and Henry. These are two entirely different approaches! It's intentional!

If Red, White, & Royal Blue had done more with those parts of the book, it very likely would have pulled the viewer out of the immersion and remind them of the depressing realities of real life, which is not the goal.

previous part | next part | master post

#red white and royal blue #rwrb #rwrb movie #rwrb book #rwrb thoughts #rwrb spoilers #alex claremont diaz #taylor zakhar perez #matthew lopez #firstprince

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mrm-pachypoda · 1 month

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Idk who the fuck I can talk to about this, so I’m writing it here just so it’s Somewhere™️

So, to lay a bit of background, I may or may not have psychosis. I’m going to get officially tested in early May, so we’ll see soon.

Another thing to note is that I’m a fan of the Magnus Archives. So, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to guess that I’ve been having hallucinations regarding the Distortion. Specifically Michael, I think. It’s probably because it was my comfort character when listening through the podcast?

Anyway.

I started seeing it a month ago, outside my window at night, or on the opposite side of the street, to eventually being right behind me. However, usually if I looked at it directly, it was gone.

I was feeling its Presence months before that, since November at the earliest. I was oddly never perturbed by Knowing that it was there, even when I somehow Knew what it was.

I’m a city guy, who insists on taking public transport everywhere instead of figuring out how to drive. Today was no different, sitting down at the second closest seat to the front door of the bus, on a weird elevated platform directly over one of the front wheels. Before the bus takes off, I see him. Or it.

Based on a generous guesstimate, it was broadly six and a half feet tall. Clad in thick black snow boots, snow pants (?) and a long winter coat with synthetic fur lining the hood. It was a lot more muted than I thought, actually. It had skin. Don’t know what color, but it was human. It did have unruly, curly shoulder-length blond hair, but it could’ve been anywhere between dirty blond to golden to platinum: I truly couldn’t tell. I think it had eyes, but I could only ever see its irises. I never could see a sclera, and I couldn’t tell where its eyelids began. Every time I looked at it, the color of its hair and eyes(?) shifted. However, its eyes were usually green, I think. I think it had a nose, and it must have had a mouth, but I never really saw them. It was like looking at an outline of a person, where inside it was fuzzy, and the edges weren’t exact sharp. Its image was clearer when I didn’t fully look at it.

After the bus started moving, It pulled itself up by the bars overhead, moving towards me, but gripping on those bars like inertia had an effect on it. While it was walking, its hands seemed larger, its legs distended, before looking broadly normal again when it sat down on the seat next to me.

We didn’t have conversations. It could communicate negatives and affirmatives, along with general emotions which in combination could tell me basic things when combined with the gestures it made. However, when it tried to Talk, its mouth didn’t move, and it made no sound, but I knew that it was talking. It almost felt like it was speaking at a frequency that only dogs could hear, and its non-mouth that was maybe smiling simply wasn’t animated.

I Knew that it didn’t like my taste in music. I Knew that it was encouraging me to open the monster can that was in the bottle pocket of my bag. I Knew that it found the flannel that I was wearing to be distasteful, especially considering the patches that I’d recently sewed on its elbows were very obviously eye-shaped. I knew that it wanted to laugh, but couldn’t.

It followed me off the bus, moved along with the foot traffic, and didn’t’n’t comment on how the weather was ‘too cold’ for my outfit, even though it was in the mid-forties. It seemed.. certain? Smug? That it.. dressed, I think, ready for the weather. It was 44*F. It’s in hardcore winter camping but also maybe instagram-able clothing (that is, if you applied enough filters). Im definitely tangenting now, but dude’s deranged (no shit).

Yet another case of the pot calling the kettle black, I guess.

It both was and wasn’t tangible. I put a hand on its shoulder, at one point, and nothing was stopping gravity from having an effect on my hand to let it drop, but it didn’t. I quickly snapped my hand away, obviously. That wasn’t a not-sensation that I would ever want to experience again.

Eventually, it didn’t leave. But it did. I saw it get off the second bus and leave, but it also didn’t move at all, just disappearing.

I still don’t know how to feel about it. I wasn’t scared at all, but I know I should be disturbed by this. I know that I should bring this up with someone.

As a side note before I forget:

I’ve drawn Michael before. What I saw today really doesn’t reflect how I have drawn it in the past. This looked almost human, where in my illustrations I tended to lean into it being something Other Than. Don’t know how to feel about that, either.

So, that’s all I have for now. Any thoughts?

#stfu acton #psychosis #hallucinations #tma #the distortion #michael distortion

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nonuel · 9 months

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something that has always puzzled me is how, exactly, miranda is a biotic. and this is a bit of a tricky question when i try to explore it seriously, because i basically have to decide whether or not it was intentional on bioware's part or if they just forgot their own lore. considering mass effect lore (including its timeline) is frustratingly inconsistent across the board, it's not really outside the realm of possibility that the writers didn't put that much thought into it, but anyway...

my confusion stems from the fact:

biotics are supposed to develop from in-utero exposure to element zero

humanity didn't discover refined element zero until 2148

(it's unclear to me if this means humanity had access to eezo before 2148, just not in a refined form? or if there is even a significant difference between "refined eezo" and just simply the "eezo" most people mention in game)

the first known mass eezo exposure occurred in 2151 at the singapore international spaceport

biotic tendencies didn't start manifesting in any of these exposed children until 2156

humanity didn't understand what was happening in these children until 2158

miranda was born in 2150

this means that miranda was not only created by her father before the first generation of human biotics were even born, but created before humanity en masse even understood biotics were possible in humans and how it's achieved

now, miranda doesn't typically go into explicit details of what her childhood was like and she speaks more in generalities. we do see firsthand in ME3 what henry lawson is like for ourselves, and the type of experiments he is willing to participate in and fund. between the few lines miranda does give us about her father (most notably, "i wasn't the first one he made, i was just the first one he kept") and what we see for ourselves in ME3, human experimentation is pretty much canonical for henry lawson. further, we do know that he was specifically interested in creating a perfect specimen to preserve a legacy (his "dynasty"), not unlike okeer with grunt. "perfect" in this instance is technically subjective, but given the genetic qualities that henry lawson included in miranda, it can be presumed "powerful" is included in his definition of perfect.

so if this is intentional on bioware's part, it can mean two (maybe more; these are just the two i've currently thought about) things:

miranda was, in fact, born with biotics, and she just predates "normal" human biotics because henry was already experimenting with creating biotics in humans because of his own ideal of what a perfect human being entails

after the discovery of human biotics, henry experimented on an already-alive miranda to try and find a way to make her a biotic, and succeeded

i think of the two, #1 is more likely, because i can't recall any sort of canon precedent that makes #2 possible or sustainable. and considering it's also canonical that henry had children before miranda, it's probable one of the reasons they are no longer alive is because all his prior experiments before miranda were failures. it is canonical that only 10% of those exposed to eezo in-utero actually develop biotics, and the rest either have no side effects (i.e., develop normally) or develop terminal cancers.

the main issue here is that there's only a two year difference between the discovery of refined eezo and miranda's creation. assuming test-tube babies in the 22nd century still need to gestate for ~nine months, that's not a lot of time to see any actual results - the codex gives five years between the singapore exposure and biotic tendencies developing, and one year between the singapore growth and cancerous growths developing. unless miranda had siblings into early childhood, and if we assume henry started immediately experimenting in 2148, it doesn't seem likely henry would've seen any positive results until 2153 at the earliest. but even some of the negative results (cancer) seem to take a bit to manifest, which means at a realistic minimum there were two children before miranda who developed cancer and died. of course, it's also entirely possible a lot of the children didn't even make it to term and died in-utero from the experimentation, which means the amount of test subjects henry could've gone through before miranda is unknowable.

miranda's line about not being the only one is a bit unclear on whether she knows this because she did have siblings into early childhood that later died, or just because she knew of her father's previous experiments. she does talk about growing up with no friends, so that's why i specify "early childhood." still, i think it's probably more likely all of the dead siblings happened before her creation was complete, and the reason she succeeded is because of the data henry collected from their deaths - not unlike what cerberus was doing with the other children at pragia. there is an issue here in that her surviving to term and not developing illnesses didn't guarantee she'd develop biotics, but i'll get to that in a bit.

a different issue here is that, again, i'm unsure if "refined eezo" and "eezo" are the same thing. if humanity already had access to eezo before 2148, then this means henry had a lot more time to experiment with biotics. on a similar note, it is not incredibly farfetched to make the assumption eezo has something to do with biotics, given that asari are naturally biotic and their homeworld is "eezo-rich." biotics also exist in virtually every known galactic species, which means it is a known fact that eezo exposure causes biotics in other species outside asari. it's a lot more realistic that the reason humanity was slow on the uptake is more to do with lack of verified proof and legitimate peer reviewed studies about biotic manifestation in humans, rather than a complete incognizance of what could be causing it the way it's presented in canon. also, we do know for a fact alliance politics played a role in how the alliance handled biotic development in human children as well, per dialogue with kaidan.

the other issue is that oriana is meant to be miranda's genetic twin, but seems to show no known biotic abilities. this is difficult to discuss meaningfully for two reasons: (1) because mass effect has a track record of telling rather than showing a lot of the time (e.g., all human biotics supposedly having an implant scar on the back of their neck unless they get cosmetic surgery to remove it) so oriana never being shown to have biotics doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't actually have them. but also (2), biotics don't even seem to be genetic anyway - so oriana being miranda's genetic twin doesn't mean she inherently has the eezo nodules in her nervous system, because henry needed to expose her to eezo in-utero for those to develop. it is also possible that she was exposed to the eezo in-utero and she's just among the 60% that had no side effects.

to return to #2 and the issue of how henry could "guarantee" biotic development in miranda post-birth, we do know it's possible for biotics to manifest in non-biotics (such as with the use of red sand or minagen x3), but this always seems to be temporary. more importantly, cerberus' experiments at the pragia facility also specify "biotic potential" children, which seems to imply none of the children had actually yet manifested biotic abilities but theoretically had the ability to do so and this is what their experiments were focusing on, with the ultimate goal being to gather intel to ensure jack developed powerful biotics. this still implies to me that they were likely exposed in-utero and were either taken at birth before any outcome was known, or they were already part of the 60% where no side effects had occurred, but the eezo nodules were still in their system and were just inactive.

in summary, #2 seems unlikely to me mainly because it seems for biotics to develop permanently, there has to be an in-utero exposure first. if miranda was never exposed to eezo whatsoever until she was already born, i don't know how possible it is she could actually have the permanent, let alone powerful, biotics she does in canon. but it is possible that henry kept exposing miranda to eezo after her birth to ensure she'd develop biotics. semi-relatedly, but given that henry lawson was a benefactor to cerberus before miranda's defection to them, it's actually entirely possible cerberus was using the intel from these theoretical experiments as a launchpad for their own experiments at pragia.

overall tl;dr: miranda was probably successfully experimented on as both a fetus and child after the death of an unknowable amount of other fetuses and this is how she's a biotic before "normal" human biotics were born. or in other words, henry lawson continues to be fucked up, news at 11

anyway, this is all assuming any of this was actually intentional on bioware's part. while i incorporate a lot of this into my own canon, i do actually fall on the side of bioware not intentionally putting as much thought into it as i have here, especially because they more or less completely abandoned human biotic lore after ME1. but who knows?

#thinky thoughts #miranda lawson #mass effect #this is also assuming i haven't overlooked something in canon that explicitly explains this 🤔 awkward if so #biotic talk

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max-imumbooks · 2 months

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Renegades Trilogy Review

Includes: Renegades, Archenemies, & Supernova by Marissa Meyer

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This series starts off strong with compelling characters and effective worldbuilding. We see two sides of a single world through the experiences of our two protagonists– Nova, the niece of a fallen villain, and Adrian, the adopted son of the world’s most beloved superheroes. Though star-crossed from the start, the pair meet in total ignorance of the other, in a heartbeat of utter, charming normalcy that is soon nearly lost in the chaos of the world around them. Even so, they find each other again when Nova goes undercover as an aspiring superhero and joins Adrian’s patrol team.

Nova quickly navigates herself to a trusted position within the world of the Renegades, the first and only superhero organization in the world. No one suspects her true goal of toppling the organization from the inside– especially not the boy slowly but surely falling in love with her.

As the story progresses, however, the romance between the protagonists seems to be the only thing that develops. Nova seems to have almost everything handed to her, without needing any kind of dedicated effort to wheedle her way into restricted areas. The Renegades are almost comically trusting, even as mountains of evidence against Nove are heaped in their laps.

There are compelling flaws in the world Meyer builds, but many are left untouched and unchanged by the time the trilogy comes to a close, which left me feeling frustrated and a little cheated. There’s too many angles that went unexplored, and too little development in Nova’s subterfuge to be fulfilling, which ultimately led to a climax that felt hurried and the resolution unearned. The story somewhat makes up for it with engaging characters and strong relationships (both positive and negative), but it’s a lot of shortcomings for a few relationships to prop up.

That said, it is possible that my having read the Gilded duology right before reading this series might have been to Renegades’ detriment. Gilded was so strong that the above shortcomings are glaring. My perception may have been different if I had read Renegades first. One thing that is interesting about Renegades is that because there are two points of view, there are two narrators– Rebecca Soler and Dan Bittner.

As I’ve already extolled on this blog, Rebecca Soler is amazing. Her ability to create unique voices for each character meant that even when dialogue tags weren’t used, I knew exactly who was speaking. While Dan Bittner was just fine, even good, he didn’t have the same nuance in his voice acting, and sometimes I had difficulty telling Adrian’s dads apart. In all honesty, though, I doubt anyone could have matched Soler’s performance. She’s that good. I will definitely continue to follow her projects.

Overall, I would say anyone who enjoys powered characters and slow burning romance would get some measure of enjoyment from the Renegades series. It’s not a will-they-won’t-they, which I appreciate, but rather a slow progression of a deepening relationship. It feels grounded and realistic, despite the super of it all. In the end, I think the quality of the story depends on what kind of reader you are– if you value plot over characters, you’ll probably be left hanging, but if characters are more your thing, then you’ll be fine. I’m somewhere in the middle, and in the end I was disappointed mainly because I expected so much more for something from Marissa Meyer.

Rating: 3 stars

#marissa meyer #renegades #spoiler free #review #overall: depends on what you value in a story

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moontheoretist · 1 year

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Red Siths and Yoda’s race

When I started watching Mandalorian I was already pretty deep into SWTOR and I read a bit too many articles on Wookiepedia about the times even farther in the past than The Old Republic.

That knowledge obviously had later gone into use when I saw Grogu and started thinking about the race Yoda, Yaddle and Grogu come from. The natural conclusion to which I came is that they must be an ancient species as there are not many of them in Movie Era, and they have naturally very long lifespan (which the existence of Grogu put into perspective if he is 50yo, and he is still considered a toddler and can't yet speak, only able to communicate telepathically via the Force with other force users). They natural strength in the Force was then established by the fact that all 3 representants were forcesensitive and the fact that Yoda's midichlorian count was supposedly the highest until Anakin - artificial made child - came into the picture and kicked him off his pedestal when it comes to the count alone.

It's also very interesting that Yoda, Yaddle and Grogu all are more prone to be drawn to the Light Side, though Grogu showed some signs of being tempted, but if that is concerned even Yoda once said that he felt the pull of the Dark Side, so it's probably just a normal thing. Still, the preference for the Light may imply that they are one of the few races in the SW lore that are born attuned to the concrete Side of the Force. Which brings me all the way back to the Red Siths and their natural affiliation to the Dark Side, because they are born attuned to it.

Attunement doesn't mean you can't use the other side obviously, but it definitely affects how you view the side you are attuned to - it’s natural for you to view one rather than the other as normal as it's part of you, your whole genome and your whole species. It also may imply some way of natural resistance to the negative effects of the Force. I barely ever saw any Red Sith that could be considered "fallen" by the Jedi standards. Hell, we mostly met former Jedi who had "fallen", which brings me to the conclusion that if you are born attuned to the Dark Side, there must be some benefit to it. Siths also don't tend to shut down their emotions, which greatly influences their relation to the Dark Side, as bottled up emotions and unresolved traumas can affect the person in such a way that they will fall into the Dark with no safety lines. Lana Beniko is my favorite example of a Sith to give, because she is simply pragmatic, not evil. She considers killing in some situations just more beneficial than not. She is reasonable, she doesn't cackle like fallen Jedi, and she in general can be seen as sane. Anyway, what brought me here is the idea that Red Siths are scarce or nonexistent in the MovieEra, which is understandable considering that they were 1% of the Empire's population already during The Old Republic Era. Still, they may have been aware of the existence of the species that Yoda is from, due to both being ancient species attuned to the Force.

Tenebrae's birth on Medriaas also implies that Red Siths existed not only on ancient Korriban, but also on different planets like Medriaas and Ziost that establishes their access to space travel as far as 5000BBY or farther. That means that knowing Yoda's species personally may have been very easy for them, especially if they met during some wars. I just like to think that if our Pureblood Siths ever met someone from Yoda’s species, they would like “oh, it’s you!”

#swtor #swtor lore #the mandalorian #star wars #yoda species #red siths #star wars lore #star wars legends lore

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i-love-an-alcoholic · 6 months

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Devil's lettuce

I used to smoke weed almost daily. I never saw anything wrong with it: it's not considered a hard drug and it has legitimate medical uses. I used to love weed: after all, it causes mild to moderate euphoria and who doesn't like that? However, excessive weed smoking has negative side effects, to which I was completely oblivious until I got sober and gained some perspective.

Weed is addictive.

Not in the same way as cocaine or opioids, but it's definitely habit-forming. After a while you develop a tolerance and will need bigger doses to get the desired effect. Eventually you don't even get high from it: you just feel normal or slightly hazy.

My old pal Shitty Boyfriend was a bona fide weed addict. When he had some he would smoke constantly, he wasn't above theft if he happened to know where your stash was and he absolutely refused to do anything without it. I once tried to get him to go to a buffet restaurant with me, but he refused because, you guessed it, he had no weed ("It goes to waste without munchies!"). When he was out of it he would complain loudly, scrape his bong and smoke that disgusting shit (I don't know the english term for it). He was obese, had the attention span of a goldfish and had no real interests besides weed, video games and junk food. He was also in deep denial about all the negative things in his life: as long as he had benzodiazepines and means to get high everything was fine.

Weed worsens depression and other mental conditions.

I've been on a smorgasbord of antidepressants in an attempt to treat my mental issues. At one point I stopped taking them and tried to treat myself with weed. It didn't go well at all: it didn't make me any happier and didn't treat the underlying cause which was borderline personality disorder. It made my mood swings worse: I'd get irrationally angry and would throw things, slam doors, snap at people etc. I would wake up in the morning sort of hung over, with seething rage at everything under the sun (I once told a coworker to fuck off when she said good morning to me… wonder why I got in trouble at work). Not exactly a herb of peace.

Weed disrupts your sleep cycle.

After quitting all drugs I had insomnia for weeks. I believe this was caused by weed, because I had used it as a sleeping aid for a very long time (to be fair it doesn't help much with amphetamine downs). I found out the hard way why that was a bad idea: only after getting my medications in order could I sleep again. Other thing I've noticed is that weed affects dreaming: I used to have vivid dreams but weed took them away, and they haven't completely returned.

The effects last longer than you'd think.

The stoner stereotype is very much true, and the stoner isn't even high all the time. As I stated in the previous paragraph, I smoked before bedtime. In the morning, after 8-10 hours of sleep I was still hazy, slow and absent-minded, almost like I hadn't slept too well. At work I was forgetful and would make mistakes all the time, despite not being intoxicated. This became my "normal" state, which wasn't good at all. From time to time I would spend a week or two without smoking and would revert back to my old self, but I was so aversive of being sober that I went back to being a stoner as soon as I got the chance.

I cringe at myself when I think about what I did to my brain.

Weed is very much illegal where I live and I don't expect it to be decriminalized or legalized anytime soon. I do support medicinal use and decriminalisation, but I wouldn't go as far as legalizing it. In my opinion it is a drug and should be treated as such, legal or not, and it certainly isn't the health product some people make it out to be. I don't judge people for smoking. Hell, I probably won't say no if I'm being offered some even though I probably should, but I think it's important to talk about the negative side as well, just to help people make an informed decision.

#i love an alcoholic #cannabis #bpd

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the-technicolor-whiscash · 1 year

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u reblogged something that would suggest ur anti-vegan. If that’s the case (I could be wrong), its always beyond me to see someone from an oppressed group, who claims to understand oppression, advocate for the oppression of another group

Ahskshsk wow. Yeah I’m not gonna lie I’m anti-vegan if they’re like you busting into peoples inboxes trying to tell them how to think. It’s a diet. That’s what it is. It’s not some kind of moral imperative.

First of all, not everyone can be vegan. There are some people who, healthwise, have to eat meat because they can’t get the same necessary nutrients from plant products. And there’s plenty of people who cannot take on the financial burden that veganism requires.

Second of all, it’s no more ethical than someone eating meat. In fact, I’d argue that eating locally-produced meats or meat harvested by oneself is more ethical than veganism, because you know where and who it came from and no humans had to experience child labor for your quinoa or agave. And there are ethical butchers who slaughter animals in ways that the animal will not even know death is coming - this is particularly true of Kosher or Halal butchers. Though I have no doubt if you’re sending me this message, you’re probably bought into the antisemitic and islamaphobic rumors that PETA spreads.

Obviously there’s value in knowing where your food comes from. Getting your meat from a local butcher instead of from a factory farm is better both for the animals and for the environment, because it doesn’t have to travel as long of a distance. Buying local in-season produce is also better for the environment, and you get to support local farming which is always important.

You picked probably the worst person to try and argue with about this because I am never going to be on your side. Hell, I support indigenous whaling (even as a huge fan of whales) because I know that getting fresh meat on reservations, particularly in the arctic circle, is prohibitively expensive. I’m also cool with pretty much any other subsistence hunting esp cause with a lack of natural predators, deer populations left unchecked can do damage to the ecosystem.

I am always going to put people first. You say I claim to understand oppression. I assume that’s a jab at the fact I’m trans and bi which, really cool to do that by the way, definitely nothing could be seen as having negative connotations there. I don’t claim to understand oppression beyond that which I’ve experienced myself, but what I do have is a respect for the people who are oppressed. Though I as a white person will never truly understand the oppression indigenous groups face having never had to go through it myself, I can give them respect and support. I respect and support indigenous people who participate in subsistence whaling, because I’m aware of the fact it’s a cultural practice that has been oppressed by white colonizers. Human rights should always always always be put before animal rights. I’ve literally written papers about the negative effects of white vegans on indigenous peoples because I have a minor in anthropology and have made it a point to learn about and respect indigenous groups because of the impact white colonizers (and yes, even other anthropologists - I know it’s a field with a bad history) have had on them. I should note, I don’t claim to speak for these indigenous groups, because I as a white person obviously cannot. If any of you are indigenous and I’ve said something incorrect or offensive, please let me know and I will correct it.

Anyway sorry this got long but yeah. Yeah, I’m always gonna be on the side of people on this one. Eat meat or don’t, I don’t care, but don’t treat it like it’s a moral failing of people to choose to consume animal products. I have a lot more opinions on the matter I could say but I’m gonna stop now because if you’re sending this into my inbox, I doubt you’ve read this long.

#the whiscash administration #asks #long post

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cornflowershade · 2 years

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okay so I watched the Winchesters pilot (c’mon, it’s Jensen’s show. I had to, despite myself.) And considering I had negative zero expectations... I’ll say it was fairly okay. The pacing sucks (hopefully it’ll improve) but that could be because they had a ton of exposition to include. The filming and music are also nice. And it had a vibe it was going for, even if that wasn’t nailed all the way through the pilot. But yeah, pilots can be rough. BUT OOH I gotta add, Carlos is wonderful. (I’ll definitely keep watching for him.) Now as for the main characters..... John is actually great. I thought I’d be mad because he’s not Matt Cohen haha—and don’t get me wrong that would’ve been cool—but this worked. He’s written quite faithfully in personality to what we’ve previously seen of young John, and the acting is very good—he carried most of the episode. I’m also impressed his performance was so consistent, considering he was acting across a LITERAL BLOCK OF WOOD. Which brings me to the depressed part of my review, which is that Mary absolutely sucks. Not only is she written EXTREMELY out of character (falling more into a stereotypical “action girl” trap* rather than being her own person, who we’ve seen brought to the screen beautifully by two different actresses in the past), and not only does she look wrong (the hair. the makeup. the styling. I’m still crying over this), but she’s so annoying. Yes, not just cookie cutter, but actively annoying. And worst of all is that the acting for her is plain bad?? When she talks it’s like she’s reading off a script, without bothering to actually acknowledge that there’s other people around her in a scene. It’s like she’s walking around in an invisible box, and John and everyone else are on the other side of it. They may as well have green-screened her in. I wish she could be recast because Mary is the weakest part of the show, no question, and I’m happiest when she’s off-screen. Which makes me so sad to say. (Also side note, but this led to me musing that John and Carlos had five times as much chemistry as John and Mary did lol. Tell me I’m wrong. Two scenes and by the time they were in the back of the van I was like... okay yeah I’d ship that for fun.)

* @argentnoelle noted to me that it’s a bit like she’s acting in a different genre from the rest of the show. One part stock-cw-action-character and one part netflix-original-movie.

Also Latika is kinda stock and a bit over-acted. I kept going back and fourth on her. If they bother to improve her, I think that could be very possible.

Ada on the other hand is already good imo. I like her and hope she will be recurring.

ANYWAY those are my feelings on it so far, and surprise, I will in fact keep watching. Yes, it’s kinda mediocre, but again? John and Carlos are both good characters, as is John’s mom by the way. Also I want to know how the canon-conflicting content will be explained away. (Probably something to do with angels? I think the magic box thing has to do with angels btw. It glowed blue, and for me that counts as evidence lol. Also speaking of effects, why do the demons have voice filters, that is such a bad choice. The visual effects are also kinda odd and not very spn.) But yeah it has just enough going for it that I’m gonna stick with it, especially because this is Jensen’s lil passion project. What can I say, it’s been 15 years and I wanna support the guy.

*sigh* I’m gonna struggle sitting through more scenes of Mary, though. They did our girl SO dirty. In a show with generally good writing/characterization, and otherwise nice casting, I’m just so confused why Mary suffers from the exact opposite.

#spnwin #the winchesters #spn #meta #mine #cornflower reviews spnwin #spnwin 1x01

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lumo-dreams · 1 year

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I’m so sorry, I’m bothering your question box again. But I have to get this off my chest, since I see so much negativity on Lumo lately (my last question also contributed to that, so I’ve also been part of the problem).

I do still stand my ground that this storyline is not the most elaborated one. It just isn’t well thought enough, but luckily also not damaging enough to ruin their loving bond completely.

Of course I understand everyone’s reaction to Moritz actually leaving when Luis warned him that it will be over if he does so, but I’m sure they’ll find their way to each other again. Didn’t Moritz himself admit that he’ll go insane if they would be parted for one week (let alone a long distance relationship). Moritz his heart belongs to Luis and he often voiced his love and gratitude towards him. He even declined high offers from his clients who wanted to sleep with him and wasn’t even scared to flip one off. They showed us that Moritz will not cheat on Luis no matter the circumstances. He stayed loyal, but was dishonest about his job and whereabouts. Luis has also had his fair share of dishonesty, he was even prepared to murder someone if it wasn’t for Moritz. Which brings us to the most important factor of their relationship: the balance they offer each other. During both storylines (luis vs linostrami and Moritz escorting) something very particular happened, namely the ability of Lumo withholding the other from making a mistake. Example 1: Moritz was almost able to change Luis’ mind from going to the catering job interview. He actually did in fact stop him altogether, if the offer didn’t come again the next day. Example 2: Moritz was hesitant whether he wanted to continue the contact he had with Folker, but one little moment with Luis and he was convinced that he didn’t want it. And I know, in both cases Luis as wel as Moritz did eventually go ahead with their original plan, but they stayed unsure. They ground each other, it makes them realise that what they have has more value than a stupid mishap. I’m sure that Luis will open Moritz’s eyes again, he will have that effect on him by default. No guy/party/money/fame will fill the gap that is Luis and he will realise that. They are both new to this, Luis needed time to accept the fact that he likes men and Moritz now needs to know what type of commitment a relationship takes. They will pass this bump and grow only stronger from now on.

We also have to keep in mind that the producers are extremely detail oriented, they always make sure that we see the intimacy between Lumo. Whether it be hand-holding, leaning to each other or just a simple loving gaze, they’ve never missed the opportunity to show us how into each other Lumo are. And let me remind you all that it’s still pretty rare to see gay couples on daytime tv showing so much affection on display. They’ve truly done an amazing job when it comes to the build up and lamenting their relationship. They weren’t even half enthusiastic for FabioxMoritz or LuisxMiro. I’m more than confident they won’t ruin that much work for an escort-storyline.

So Lumo fans don’t be afraid of this story-arc. I’m convinced it will be over soon, with either Luis forgiving Moritz (and he stays in the business) or Moritz resigns from his job for Luis. Secretly I hope and believe it’s the last one, cause I have a feeling they’re already introducing us to the new storyline, namely Johanna falling in love with Luis 🙄 (I really hope I’m wrong on this one!!) yet that will definitely stay one sided, Luis is too nice but not a fool. The love Lumo has for each other is unbreakable, and I truly love them for that ♥️

I am the last person that wants to spread negativity! I wrote the post from an affect because I knew eventually the drama will come (which is good since we don't want boring scenes) but once I actually got to see the outcome it hit me right into my face 😬

I agree with what you said here. They probably will find their way back to each other again. Moritz would never throw that away so easily. They have a very deep connection and love as you described it. I bet he already regrets it and we know from the past Luis' reaction are sometimes over the top when he's hurt or feeling betrayed. I am so curious to see how this moment will effect them! Could imagine Luis talks to Jonas since he was standing right there and witnessed all of it. He must have a lot of questions..

As for the Johanna storyline: I know many of you don't know gzsz that long BUT when Luis and Nina moved to Berlin, Johanna had already a crush on him (though she was very young back then). So years later they picked the storyline up again 🙈

Let's see how it continues! I am very grateful that we have at least Moritz and Luis as a m/m couple on the show and the actors portray them so well! ❤️

#question answered #lumo spoilers

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thattheatretrash · 2 years

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hi so once again i am turning to tumblr bc idk what else to do

need some chronic pain related advice so if you can relate or know someone who does please read below

little background about me: i've had chronic pain for almost two years now, and still no solid diagnosis. different things have been thrown out there, but a lot of the tests i've had done have come back negative, not significant, or inconclusive. the only thing that was ever yes yes definitely positive was a mri of my thighs that showed inflammation. however, a couple months later when i had a muscle biopsy of my thighs done, they ruled it not significant, and it didn't point to a further diagnosis. my rheumatologist decided to put me on prednisone anyway, and it HELPED SO MUCH. at least temporarily, i'm tapering it now since it's not good to be on long term. but it helped with my energy levels and my pain/numbness/weakness/tingling/burning/tingling pain in my lower body. i definitely couldn't have finished college without it.

recently, i was put on lots of different meds, and i've been have a bad flareup and new weird symptoms since the beginning of the summer. i also started using weed to help manage pain and fatigue and it helped a lot. however, because i've had so many new (and some very severe) symptoms and couldn't tell anymore what was a side effect and was a symptom, i decided to stop/taper every medication/drug that i could about a week ago (with my PCP's help). i'm still adjusting.

however, the thing i'm probably most concerned about rn is my new neurological symptoms that have been progressing. while i've had things like sensory issues or brain fog in the past, it's taken such an intense turn to the point that i'm pretty sure i've started having seizures? i hesitate to say that in case i'm wrong but i've been having them a lot. since stopping my meds, it seems to be helping slightly. my brain doesn't feel as overloaded. but i'm still kind of having them. i did go to the ER for one after i had an episode in the urgent care waiting room, and they did a CT which looked fine. they diagnosed it as a "headache" and told me to call my rheumatologist to get off my mycophelate mofetil since they thought it was contributing (and i think it definitely was, especially to my digestive system issues, brain fog, and weird random i'm so sad but idk why mood swing things).

i guess my question is, for people who have had seizures start developing later in life, how did you know it was a seizure? i mean i've looked up stuff online so i'm pretty sure but of course i can't really be sure. and how do you manage seizures day-to-day?

also, for people with chronic pain in general, how do you get people to believe you? i just feel like everyone is starting to think my pain is psychosomatic, which i think of course, some of it is. everyone experiences psychosomatic pain sometimes, and i do have a history of mental illness. but i actually feel pretty good right now!! and i'm doing everything i can to limit my stress, pay attention to my body, give myself positive affirmations, rest, do some gentle movement throughout the day, sleeping a lot (8+ hours usually) on a regular schedule, trying to eat a decent diet, meditate, stretch, i mean, i am really trying everything i can.

but i just don't know what do sometimes. so any advice, especially from other people with chronic pain, is super appreciated. and thank you for reading all of this if you did. i hope you are having a wonderful day!! here's to the lovely journey of becoming closer and more loving with our bodies.

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ceasarslegion · 2 years

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That breaking bad shitpost reminded me of the time one of my college friends told me it was irresponsible of my parents to let me watch breaking bad when it was still airing because i was 10 at the time it premiered. Thing is, im no fan of a lot of the ways i was raised, but the way i was exposed to media growing up i actually do agree with.

I've said this before, but both of my parents have always been massive horror fans. Part of why they started initially dating was because they finally found someone who wouldn't cower away from blood and guts. They never hid this passion of theirs from me, they just made sure I understood what I was looking at before they would put up their framed BTS photos of The Evil Dead or Halloween. That they were just photos, that there's blood in them because the movies had blood in them, that they're just movies and those characters aren't real.

I definitely think growing up in a horror stan household has a very different approach to media exposure than others simply because they have a different attitude towards things that are too extreme for most other viewers. Horror is in and of itself an acquired taste, after all. I can't count how many times my friends have thought it was deeply strange to borderline disturbing that our family movie nights involved slashers and psychological terrors. But the thing is, the kind of media my parents enjoy i very much believe set the stage to how i was exposed to things growing up.

They didn't really,,, believe in the rating system, if that's the right word to use. They saw it as a general suggestion rather than a concrete thing. And as a side note, as I would go on to get a film degree in my future, I'm glad they did, because the history of the modern rating system is extremely mormon, for lack of a better term.

But anyway, instead of adhering to an outside source telling them how to raise their kid, they instead took it in the direction where as long as I understood what I was seeing, I had the emotional and moral intelligence to know the difference between right, wrong, and when shit was complicated, and it didn't have any negative effects on me, I was allowed to see it. Full stop. To help that process along, I could ask them any questions I had about whatever I was watching, reading, or playing, we could have open and non-judgmental discussions about my own interpretations of these texts, and they never put any parental locks on things like my netflix profile and would send me to EB Games with signed notes saying they'd allow me to buy M-rated games with my allowance if I wanted them. Very few things ever got taken away from me, if any. I can't really remember anything off the top of my head, other than just not being allowed to talk to strange adults on the internet or give out any personal info, which I think was the only hard limit they placed on my media consumption. But that was an actual safety issue, not anything to do with this idea that I couldn't handle seeing morally dubious things depicted on-screen. In fact, my parents thought the rating system was kind of insulting to my emotional and moral intelligence lmao.

So yeah, I watched breaking bad as it was first airing, and yes, I was 10 when it first began. Which would probably make a good chunk of this site explode into discourse about how problematique that is and how it made think bad things were good, actually. But the thing is, my parents knew from their own firsthand experience with horror that just seeing dubious things doesn't inherently damage your psyche or alter your sense of right and wrong. So instead of adhering to this outdated and extremely generalized idea of what kids should be exposed to at what age, they instead actually talked to me about the things i wanted to watch and made sure I understood what they were, and that I had enough critical thinking skills to engage in them without negative consequences. As long as those two things were met, I could consume whatever media I wanted.

Fuck man, on the breaking bad topic I remember one time hearing my mom say "I would rather he see people having sex than killing each other, but he watches breaking bad anyway" regarding my interest in game of thrones in the 8th grade.

Anyway, the point here is that although there's lots of things I have beef with regarding my parents, their approach to my media exposure I think was a hell of a lot better than this webbed site's approach of "if you're under 18 all sex drugs and violence will TRAUMATIZE you and if you don't portray ONLY goodness and clear right and wrong actions your audience will thing BAD things are actually GOOD regardless of their age sometimes"

#story time #shut up dames

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chronic-cane · 2 years

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Reading about disability, institutionalization, and the prison industrial complex and went to the chapter that focuses on forced medication.

And I was never in inpatient psychiatric care because I feared that more than death itself and put all of my energy into seeming sane enough to not be forced in there, and still got close a couple of times (I was backed into a corner and forced to go to an all day outpatient program).

I was definitely forced to take medication though, like my mom shoving Prozac into my mouth forced. I even mentioned that I was still getting suicidal thoughts, probably even more than usual, while on the medication (a common side effect I wasn't told about because I wasn't told of any side effects). My psychiatrist kept me on it for another week still and was like "well that's why we usually pair it with therapy" when it was obvious I didn't like nor trust my therapist (but that was tossed up to me being a problem patient).

And I know someone who had it much worse but that's not my story to share. It should be apparent that this happens much more to people who have legal guardians and those who are institutionalized. In what I'm reading, it's described a chemical restraint:

As a result of his [Ericks] experience, he questions the given narrative that says those labeled mentally ill are generally confused, noncompliant, and dangerous, as well as the idea that drugging people is less coercive than “locking them up.” While it could be argued that imposing drugs on people when they are violent is humane, the negative effects of drugs can last a lifetime. Drug withdrawal can make original distress treated with drugs much worse. Many people resign themselves to drugs to prevent withdrawal after they have been forced onto them. This preemptive coercion of drugs that starts the chain of dependency must be stopped. The dependency itself is a worse form of coercion than the actual restraint or “incarceration” of drugging, because it makes a person agreeable to being managed, despite what can be said of tranquilization as a form of help. Hence, it is not just the fact that drugs are ordered on patients that makes them coercive alone, but that they restrain the body and create dependency, using the body against the person, which results in an indefinite form of detention.

(Bold added by me) - If you'd like to know the book's title, it's Disability Incarcerated: Imprisonment and Disability in the United States and Canada.

Note: I am not writing this to say that no one should be using drugs for mental health, I am writing it because I know from experience that those of us seen as too mentally ill to think for ourselves are mistreated and have the most basic human rights and autonomy taken from us. If you are planning to use this to judge people who take medication, please fuck off.

#mad studies #disability

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