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megbox · 4 years

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2019 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011)

It’s actually kind of interesting how... less interesting these year-in-reviews get as I get older. Depending on how you look at it, 2019 was somewhat of an unremarkable year. I spent much of it tragically broke, I didn’t get the opportunity to do much traveling. But at the same time, not having these flashy, colourful experiences to write about all the time makes me value the easy, simple things more. It forces me to be a bit more reflective about how the day-to-day life I am carving out for myself teaches me things and about the person I am becoming.

Far and away, the most positive thing to come out of 2019 has been that I am real deals social worker now. I have the best job in the entire world. I have “RSW” in my email signature and on my business cards. I do work that is meaningful to me every single day. There is so much to learn but I’m in the right place to be learning it. And I am really proud of myself for getting here ❤️

January

Unlike the last few years, 2019 began on a high note. The millisecond that student loan hit my direct deposit, I took a little trip to Jasper to visit my friend Oliver who was teaching snowboarding at Marmot Basin for the season. I braved some very treacherous roads to make it to Jasper. It took me nearly eight hours. Highway 93 was closed so I had to take the long route and basically white-knuckled it the whole way. But it was so worth it. I found myself later that evening in a dorm room full of young Scandinavian people, downing American Vintage iced teas and feeling like I was at a frat party. We went to this club called Four Peaks and they played Rasputin by Boney M and everyone went crazy. I hooked up with this gorgeous Danish ski instructor named Rasmus. He was so beautiful. I am proud of that one, honestly. Oliver and I went skiing and hiking and we went to Earl’s and he tried a Caeser. By the end of the weekend, I think we maybe ran out of things to talk about. But it was really cool to see him and to hear about the last few years of his life and how excited he was to move to New Zealand to be with his girlfriend (whom he met on the same trip where he and I met, in Hawaii!)

On January 14, I started my second practicum. It was a sad transition. My time at CommunityWise had been so great that anything new was going to pale in comparison but my new placement was especially bad. It was so slow there. My computer hadn’t been updated in years and I didn’t have access to anything for weeks. My supervisor was barely around (not her fault, though. She was finishing her MSW, had two young children, was the team lead for both family centres in the city and had two practicum students to supervise. Girl was busy). I remember one morning while I was helping one of the caseworkers with some menial task like organizing the food pantry, and I was just so frustrated, I kind of asked her point-blank, “Is this practicum meant to be more self-directed?” and I just started crying as I asked it. I kind of… whimpered it. It was awkward but from that point on, they made way more of an effort to give me tasks and engage me in the work that was being done there. Lesson learned: you get what you ask for.

February The first weekend of February is what we would call a “power weekend.” Looking back on these actions now, I cringe. However, at the time, I was pretty stoked. I slept with a friend from podcast club after a house party. For ease, I will refer to him as W. W had asked me out twice prior to this happening. I actually said yes, and we had plans to get drinks, but his best friend ended up going through a breakup the night before and he cancelled last minute. So then we slept together. Drunkenly. And it wasn’t… good. I chalked it up to the drunkenness. We went out on a real date, I made sure to have like one glass of wine maximum. He was lovely and great company and he taught me how to play crib but… you know that feeling when you’re like god, I wish I was enjoying this but I am just not enjoying this. It was like that all night. And it felt heavy. If I am being completely honest, there was also this strange moment that night where I had the thought, “he kind of looks like my grandfather if he were younger” and there is truly no recovering from that kind of realization.

February was also a terrible month because I had no days off. I will go to my grave angry about being required to work for free in my practicums. I was doing 32+ unpaid hours at this boring practicum and then working evenings and weekends at Famoso whenever I could. And Famoso was dead, so I wasn’t even making good money. This was also where I began to start witnessing things in my practicum that started to fuck with me. At first, I thought I was just having trouble sleeping. But over time in seminar and debriefs with my social work friends who were going through the same thing I realized that it was the oh-so-pleasant combination of vicarious trauma and compassion fatigue.

Over the reading week, I went to Fernie with Maddy and her friends for a ski/party weekend and that was truly awesome. One of those weekends where your ribs ache for days once you’re back because you laughed so hard. Some highlights:

It snowed 60cm the night before we skied. It was powder up to your waist.

• Maddy’s friend Melissa liked our bartender at the hostel. She took his phone and texted herself from it so he would have her number and vice versa. Then she got so drunk that later the same evening, she was looking at the text and forgot that she had sent it to herself so she texted back, “Who is this?” Also LOL #Bryna.

• I took nudes of Maddy in the hostel shower to send to the guy she was seeing at the time. LOL. What are friends for?

• Maddy and I met this set of twins who are the definition of gym bros. Identical twins. We ended up hooking up with them. At the same time. In our bunk bed at the hostel. We high fived. I later fell off the top bunk. We gave them a beer for the road when they left. All year long, we send one another their Instagram posts and stories whenever it’s them flexing in the gym mirror and just laugh about, “we really slept with those guys.”

March

In March, I got the flu. It was very annoying. I had to miss practicum (meaning I’d have to make up the hours somehow later). I stated binge watching Grey’s Anatomy.

I ended things with W. It was kind of harsh but it needed to be done. I need to stop breaking up with people in the weeks prior to my birthday because we had a total Dave-Simard-2.0 situation where W told me he had purchased a birthday present for me and he still wanted to give it to me.

I also ran the St. Patrick’s Day Road Race again!!! Good times as always.

Practicum got much better in March. I had many things to do. I got to design the curriculum for and facilitate a six-week girl’s group. I assisted with the planning and running of a series of community tax clinics which was cool. Except the guy from the agency whose project it was is a creep. He kept telling me all of these stories that were incredibly inappropriate given the fact that we knew each other only in a professional sense. He made many comments about women’s bodies and appearances that were gross. And I got left in some pretty unsafe situations all by myself. AND he made me pay out of pocket for snacks for one of the tax clinics and never reimbursed me for that. I kind of forgot about that until just now. Wow.

April

April was a big month!

I went to Portland for my birthday weekend with Matt and Connor. When I think back to this trip, it was lovely, but mostly what I remember is a lot of beer, a lot of rain, and being hungover. Portland is a really cool city. I wasn’t totally expecting to be confronted with as much homelessness and substance use as I was but, that’s my privilege talking. Some highlights from the trip include:

• The “Flower in the Kettle” IPA I had.

• The mascarpone, corn and lobster agnolotti I had for my birthday dinner at A Cena. Recommended to me by a trusted friend I worked with at Famoso. So rich. SO FUCKING GOOD.

• Meeting this really drunk real estate agent at a dive bar and convincing her that Matt and Connor were both my boyfriends. I still have her business card in my wallet. I am unsure why.

• The Weezer concert was honestly awesome.

• Matt actually trying out the guyliner.

• Meeting some random guy when I went to get gum at a corner store. His name was Dan. He was old. His girlfriend had kicked him out and he was just walking around. He’d been in prison for a lot of his life. We had a good chat. I got his phone number and now we have each other on Facebook.

• In the airport on the way home, Matt and I were so overtired that absolutely everything was hilarious. The gif game (the gif of Kevin from The Office dropping the bucket of chili. “Me in Thailand”), and the beginning of when I got let in to the “KEVIN!!!!” joke. I had tears in my eyes.

• Connor yelled at me in a pizza restauraunt LOL (sorry Connor. I know you Ctrl+F your name. But this was memorable to me.)

In the middle of April, I FINISHED MY PRACTICUM HOURS AND EFFECTIVELY GOT MY DEGREE. I cannot describe to you how good it felt to be driving home from one of those tax clinics after my third twelve-hour day (making up practicum hours is fun) knowing I never had to go back. Knowing that soon enough, I’d get to work on all the same cool projects but actually get paid for my time.

We visited Saskatoon for Easter, which would turn out to be the last time I got to see my Baba. She was very ill, and both of us knew that it would likely be the last time, so I did get to say my goodbyes. It was very difficult and I sobbed for a lot of the ride home. It’s a weird feeling, when someone you love has been so ill for so long, and you begin to see their condition really deteriorate. When the idea of life without that person starts to become a reality. There was almost an… acceptance? It sounds so callous to say and it’s way more complex than this but also somewhat of a relief in the finality of it. I don’t know. It was a lot.

April was also when I started interviewing for social work jobs. I had two interviews. The first one was at CCASA, essentially for what I thought was my dream job. I have never psyched myself out so hard for anything in my life. I thought about that interview and that interview alone for weeks. I studied harder than I have for any test ever. When the time came for the interview, I was so nervous. I became this meek and mild version of myself. It was honestly devastating. But of course, had I gotten that job, I would never have interviewed at the University of Calgary. My boss-to-be called me for a pre-interview while I was on shift at Famoso. It was busy, too. But I just said fuck it and ducked into the back and talked to her on the phone for twenty minutes. She invited me for an interview a week later where I had to give a five-minute presentation on managing stress as a student. Rock on.

May

On May 1, I got offered THE JOB AT THE UNIVERSITY OF CALGARY! It was truly one of the happiest moments of my life. There is nothing more satisfying and exciting than actually attaining something you’ve been dreaming of for so long. It was for a one year contract on a maternity leave coverage, facilitating community trainings around suicide prevention, helping skills, all that good stuff. I was going to be on salary. I was going to have benefits. I WAS GOING TO BE ABLE TO WALK TO WORK AND HAVE A REAL CAREER THAT I WOULD BE PROUD OF AND EXCITED ABOUT.

I hung up the phone after accepting the job, texted all the requisite people about the good news, and then immediately drove to Famoso to quit. My boss at Famoso was angry with me because I did not give two weeks notice. I said I would work out the rest of my scheduled shifts. He was a jerk, he yelled at me in frustration saying, “You work here for five fucking years, we accommodate every trip, every vacation, every practicum and you don’t even have the courtesy to give me two weeks notice?!” It wasn’t a big deal though. He was just being an asshole. And hey, Steve, you’re still an asshole!

So my last day serving tables at Famoso Westhills was May 3, 2019. I’m usually not good with goodbyes but it was the easiest thing in the world to just walk out of there at the end of the night knowing I would never be back. I had ten days until I started my actual job at the University (a bit of an oversight on my part because I had ~no money~ so what the fuck was I going to do with ten days).

My grandmother passed away on May 19, 2019. Back to Saskatoon on May 28 for the funeral. It was really fucking sad and really fucking weird to see all of my cousins crying. My grandma also had a big Catholic funeral and none of us are particularly religious and as the direct relatives of the deceased we were at the front of the church and it was really obvious none of us had any idea when to kneel vs. stand and didn’t know any of the words or tunes to the songs.

On a happier note, my brother was accepted into medical school in May. Not that I ever doubted my brother would be a successful person, but this just really solidified it. Dr. MacKay.

June

June was rather uneventful. I was honestly so cripplingly broke at this point, and it was so long before I actually saw a full salaried paycheck. I had to borrow money from my parents just to like, function. And pay my bills. It was embarrassing. But I was working full time and learning so many cool things about the job that it made it alright.

I walked the stage on the first week of June and accepted my BSW degree. I didn’t want to go but it was actually a pretty awesome and happy occasion.

The other big thing that happened in June is that Maddy moved to Australia. It sucks that I only met Maddy in the summer of 2018. She is so awesome and we became so close so quickly. I genuinely love her so much and spending time with her is so easy and fun, it was really sad when she left knowing that it was highly possible she may never return or at least not for several YEARS.

July

By July, my new job was in full swing. I was facilitating trainings every other day (so much public speaking experience!), I was sitting on a committee, every day was new and challenging and exciting.

My dad had a giant party for his 60th birthday, with some friends even coming from Saskatoon. They rented a limousine that took us to the Black Diamond hotel because apparently my parents have some kind of significance there. I did a shot with my grandfather? We played pool and Big Buck hunter? None of my friends came but all of my brother’s friends came and I honestly think that it turned the tables in terms of who my parents’ favourites are in terms of friends.

I also had an awesome weekend at Folk Festival mostly with Kendal and Lachlan but also featuring guest appearances from Chad and Gillian. Podcast club pals. There is just nothing better than folk festival, honestly. Food trucks and music in the sun and drinking sangria from a flask and admiring everyone’s cool outfits and getting a tan and listening to concerts all day. I had a nap in the middle of the afternoon on Sunday and it was like the most glorious 45 minutes of my entire year.

August

Oh, no. August. I was still cripplingly broke (it takes a long time to catch up to a point where your entire paycheck is not just going to paying back things you’ve borrowed) and I made the utterly stupid decision to go to a music festival.

Big Valley Jamboree, baby. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the best weekend that I am never ever doing again. Some highlights:

• Mere minutes after arriving, I watched a man vomit.

• The “Tony Keith” joke really took off. Lucas and I were so #inone on the Friday night we kept yelling and trying to start chants (“old man graphics!” is my personal favourite in response to Toby Keith’s random, pro-military Americana concert graphics).

• I gave my phone to somebody and then wandered off in search of this stupid boy’s campsite. I got very, very lost. The BVJ campground is a large place. I had no idea where I was going and was literally just stumbling through the dark and the mud. I ended up in the middle of some middle-aged Newfoundlanders’ campsite. They welcomed me. They offered me and sandwich and several beers. We chatted for like an hour. It was the best. I walked for SO LONG and finally found my own campsite. But we’re talking literally hours of walking around blind and disoriented. There were a few moments when I genuinely thought I was going to have to wait until the sun came up.

• A few less-than-classy moments in porta potties.

• The HANGOVERS. Jesus lord. I couldn’t survive.

• Airwaves guy was great and I also had a really good buffalo chicken poutine thing that I remember fondly.

In happier and much more professional news, I facilitated my first Community Helpers training in August. I was very nervous. Like, stay up all night the night before nervous. And we had some technical difficulties with setting up. But my coworker / work BFF Jeannie was there and she was a great support to me. She ran and got me a coffee and a banana bread because I hadn’t eaten and was so so stressed. And she encouraged me through the whole thing. It went really really well. I almost choked up at the end while thanking the participants for coming and explaining how it was my first training and they were such a great group to do it with.

The squad was all super broke so we turned to free activities. It was very wholesome. We spent many afternoons and evenings reading in Prince’s Island Park with snacks. We went to Shakespeare in the park. We went hiking.

A lot of my friends moved away in August. Such is life when your friends are all academics or have bright futures that are not confined to the Calgary city limits. Sydney moved to Victoria to start her PhD and we had a nice day at Elbow Falls eating berries and then having dinner with my family. Adam and Kendal both moved to Ottawa to start a fancy new government job and an MSW degree, respectively. I am really really proud of all of my friends but I miss them, too. Calgary is not the same without these people.

On the flip side – a new roommate moved in! Maddie left to move to Red Deer to be with Joel and so our new roommate was a French exchange student named Aurore. She arrived and was shocked to see that none of the advertised furniture was in her room except for one limp mattress. Karla and I hadn’t even known she was coming because my landlord sucks, but we helped her get her things together and then ordered her some Skip the Dishes. She was exhausted. And sweet. And was starting a block week MBA class the next day in her second language. I felt for her.

September

In September, the inklings of me moving into a different role at the university were planted. My boss called me in to her office one afternoon and shut the door. I was terrified but she said to me, “you’re not in trouble. Actually, just the opposite.” She brought up the recent vacancies in the job I now hold (lol: spoilers) and said, “Just think about it. I just want you to know that there would be no hard feelings if you chose to apply for the role.” I was flattered but also caught off guard. I did not think I was qualified for the job. I had virtually no client experience in either of my practicums. I wasn’t even registered with the ACSW at this point. And I loved my old job and my health promotion coworkers so so much. But also… I was on a twelve month contract. And the person away on leave was definitely coming back. I was “strongly encouraged” to get registered with the college.

It was honestly such a mess. They gently nudged me towards applying for the role, I was torn. Then they told me it probably wouldn’t work because I wasn’t yet registered with the ACSW, and even if I did register would still only be provisional. I felt an odd sense of relief at that, and had totally psyched myself out of being able to do the job at that point. At the last minute, I was told “just submit an application to keep our options open.” I did so. I got an interview. I interviewed (and it was SO fucking stressful…. Interviewing with people you already work with is 10x worse than interviewing with strangers. I tell ya.). And… I got the job!!! Not only did I get the job, I got a full-time, permanent contract (there were two positions, one full-time and one on a longer contract. I was told from the beginning I would just be applying for the longer contract but I ended up getting the FULL TIME ONE.) It was a HUGE boost to my confidence and again, one of the happiest days of the year.

September was also just absolutely insane for work. So many orientation presentations, students reaching out wanting to get involved, starting all of the volunteer programs, planning. I was so, so, so SO FREAKING TIRED. But we did lots of fun things. Like we took Aurore and her friend Cecile to Banff, had them try Caesers and Beaver Tails and all kinds of Canadian things.

October

On my last day in my old role, my coworkers decorated my desk with a homemade banner and got me desserts. We went to McDonald’s for a feast and sat in the Hub and made jokes. It felt really special and I was really touched.

On October 7, I started my new-but-also-kind-of-the-same job. I was very nervous and there was a lot to learn right from the get go. And it was so… strange. I HAD MY OWN OFFICE. WITH MY NAME ON THE DOOR AND EVERYTHING. The imposter syndrome hit me like a tsunami. I was extremely stressed, extremely overwhelmed. But my teammates and my boss are great. They understand I’m new not just to the role but to the field. They were (and are) so kind and patient with me and answer all of my questions.

For Thanksgiving, we went to Banff. We had beers and did a little bowling at High Rollers and then went to the Rimrock for dinner. It was very nice. A few weeks later, I hosted my own friendsgiving dinner and roasted a turkey! And spent all day decorating my parents’ house and the table to look fancy. Everything turned out really really well. I was super stoked. Note to self: throw more dinner parties.

November:

What I recall from November is just… stress. The case management / social worker life came at me real hard, real fast. I had to call CFS for the first time. My client did not want me to. It was hard. I did not cope well. My coping strategy was to fuck off to Lake Louise (?) for a weekend in a hostel and drink two bottles of wine with some random sorority girls from Chicago. And tears.

The cooking phase was in full swing at this point. Eggs benedict, soft pretzels, curry, French onion soup, gnocchi, prosciutto apple blue cheese chicken, apple and chai galettes.

The third week of November was also when I decided to start training for the half marathon. I found a plan online and set out to follow it and honestly, it’s been great. I usually don’t stick to exercise routines for longer than a month because I tend to go too hard, too fast and I overdo it and I let one hungover day derail me. But this plan wasn’t focused on distance but rather time spent running. So rather than, “I have to run 5km” today it’s, “I have to run for 45 minutes today.” I thought I’d hate that but I actually really like it. It encourages me to go a little slower and just run out the clock, at whatever pace. And the speed is building gradually, and naturally.

December:

Aaaand December!

December has been so much marathon training. Today, I am entering my seventh week of consistent running and exercise. That is a badass accomplishment for me. I am very pleased. I even managed to do my runs in Saskatoon on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

Aurore left back to Paris. She had a birthday party at the house with all of her international friends and we went for sushi and looked at Christmas lights in the rich people neighborhoods before she returned home. She ended up being so wonderful. I will miss her.

I went to Radium for a weekend with Kennedy, Matt, Amanda, and their friend Katie. The takeaways from this experience are: I am excited to get to spend more time with Kennedy and Amanda and to become better friends with them, I think I like smoking weed now, and skiing is the best.

2020:

To be completely honest, my life is pretty good. I sometimes wish I had somebody to share it with, and that’s something I hope to be a little better about in 2020 is putting myself out there in more of a meaningful way.

I also am super excited to continue down this path with my career and to develop personally and professionally as a social worker. There is truly so much to learn and I’m really motivated and excited right now to do well at this which is an awesome feeling. I do need to work on not taking my work home with me so much, about separating the social work life from the personal life. Setting boundaries and all that good stuff.

I’m hopefully going to run my first half marathon in 2020. May 31. The countdown is on. Excited to cross that item off the bucket list and experience the rush of crossing the finish line! That endorphin high is going to be insane.

And I want to keep developing my cooking skills. Though they may be small, they are mighty. I want to try and learn how to make fresh pasta dough. LOL. Simple goals.

Anyways... thank you 2019 for all you have brought me and taught me. I am grateful for the life I get to the live and the experiences I get to have. And I’m super stoked to see where 2020 takes me.

#megbox #personal #year in review #2019

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arnoldjaime13 · 3 years

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Blog Tour- MATRIARCH by @AdamWingWriting With An Excerpt & #Giveaway! @RockstarBkTours

I am thrilled to be hosting a spot on the MATRIARCH by Adam Wing Blog Tour hosted by Rockstar Book Tours. Check out my post and make sure to enter the giveaway!

About The Book:

Title: MATRIARCH

Author: Adam Wing

Pub. Date: December 1, 2019

Publisher: Adam Wing

Formats: Paperback, eBook

Pages: 124

Find it: Goodreads, Amazon, Kindle, B&N, TBD, Bookshop.org

Read For FREE With A Kindle Unlimited Membership!

The story is over. It’s already too late.

At the end of the Turkish War of Independence, a British soldier disobeys orders to return home. Setting out to explore a country he had only known as trespasser, he uncovers danger, mysteries, and magic—adventure, obsession, and true love.

One hundred years later, the soldier’s great-granddaughter sits at her great-grandmother’s deathbed while the old woman recounts this very tale; it is the last she will ever tell.

Secrets are revealed as past and present collide, and as one woman’s future draws toward its inevitable close, another finds hers thrown into uncertainty.

Excerpt:

(First Chapter)

THE ELDEST

FATE. DESTINY. DOOM.

They rule our lives, decide our futures, queens of fortune and potential. So small are we in Their eyes—so titanic Their vision—we sometimes view Them as a single inescapable god, decider of everything, of both final and first, both cause and consequence. But each is unique.

They are Sisters.

Born in the same instant, Destiny and Fate have ever been rivals. Squabbling for control of all that is, and all that will come to pass, they command our stories, vying for ownership: Fate singing Her songs in reverse, with endings decided before have begun—parables carved in the currents of an immutable universe. While Destiny scribbles in the ink of human action, telling stories born of spirit, courage and resolve, of foolishness, fear and greed. Her endings are those we achieve for ourselves, yet they are no less inevitable, no less Hers in the end.

Then there is the Eldest.

Doom.

Doom eclipses Her Sisters. They are nothing that She was not already. Like Fate, She is the chosen endpoint assigned to each living soul; like Destiny, She is the fruit of every worldly ambition. And She is more. Doom is the great and terrible scorecard, the price of admission, deferred until journey’s end. She is the reckoning of each life’s work, be it arranged in the stars or shaped by choices freely made.

Whether you believe in Destiny, in Fate, in neither or both, Doom cannot be denied.

She will be there in the end.

Doom awaits us all.

CHAPTER ONE

Doom

EACH Sister was present in the hospital that day. No one saw them. No one heard their voices as they laid claim to the oldest and youngest alike, to every life and future resting in-between. But they were there. Fate’s unyielding certainty clung to the air, mingling with the sharp balm of ammonia hastily spread across vinyl, tile and plastic. Destiny’s resolve crackled around every pulsing body, binding lives in an intricate web of hopes, fears and grim determination. And of course, Doom was there, lurking out of sight, hiding around corners and behind heavy doors. In such desperate settings, where people came to press back against death, fight tooth and nail for one more decade, one more year, just one more breath of life, the Eldest Sister was never far.

Today in particular, more than any in a very long time, Doom’s presence could be felt. Today, she was here with purpose. This was the day the Merrill family would arrive en masse. The day Ayla Merrill, the ancient family matriarch, came to the hospital to die.

◦ ◦ ◦ ◦

“SHE was fine,” the man explained—tried to explain—fumbling words as his voice betrayed an agitation barely held in check. “She was normal. Gran’s always been—I mean, she’s old, but she’s always been . . . healthy, you know? I can’t think of a time I’ve seen her sick. But she just started coughing and wheezing, and she just—and she just … dropped. Like a bag of onions!”

“How old is your grandmother?” the admissions nurse asked, pen never leaving her clipboard.

“Great-grandmother,” the man corrected automatically. “A hundred-nineteen. It’s her birthday. It was at her party it happened. Everyone was there. It was something else, really, a miracle—that we could all make it, I mean. Like—not just most of us—everyone came. So many different schedules. Six generations under the same roof…” The man was beginning to babble. For a time, the nurse allowed him. The patient had been admitted, assigned a bed, and wheeled away by an orderly; it was a slow afternoon, and amazingly, no one else was waiting; no harm letting him unburden himself. Soon she realized however, if she hoped to get anything useful from him at all, she would to have to interrupt. “…the youngest still poopin’ in diapers of course, but we—” The nurse opened her mouth to cut in.

“Dan!” A female voice slapped at them from the entrance. Five more had appeared through the sliding glass doors. The one who had called out, a well-made-up but dazed looking young woman—no older than thirty—scooted past a trio of middle-aged ladies who were supporting a hanging-grey-thread of an eighty—perhaps even ninety—year-old man. “We met up in the parking lot.” The younger woman nodded toward the others. “Mum and Dad are right behind. How is she?”

It took the nurse a second to realize this last was directed to her.

“Well we—”

“Cass! Dan!” A couple in their fifties hurried through the doors and up to the group. “How is she? What do they say?” These questions were not addressed to the nurse, who had yet to get a word in.

“I don’t know,” the young woman, apparently named Cass, answered. “I was just asking.”

“I don’t know,” Dan echoed. Then turning back, he resumed his monologue. “She was having trouble breathing, right? Well, first off she was fine. Everyone was saying…” The man’s rambling account washed over her once again. Painfully suppressing the urge to clench her jaw, the nurse watched as three more Merrills trickled in to attach themselves to the group. Was she to contend with the whole extended clan today? she wondered with no small feeling of dread.

Before more could arrive, before Dan could recite the entire family history, she managed to time an interjection into one of his short breaths. The doctors where examining their great-grandmother, she told them—or their grandmother—or in the case of the ancient-looking man, his … mother?—the one they called Gran, in any case—and they would be back with their diagnosis soon. In the mean time, no, they could not all go wait with her; no, she herself was not going to speculate on what might be wrong; and yes, they could remain in the lounge, so long as they kept to themselves and bothered no one.

This last answer was one the admissions nurse would come to regret.

One-hundred-thirty-eight relatives—ninety-nine direct descendants, and a healthy smattering of in-laws—gathered in the waiting area that evening. “Gran is a remarkable woman,” one of them told the nurse when she approached them to elect a contingent who would stay and wait for news, allowing the others to go home. “Hundred-nineteen and sharper than anyone I know. None of us can imagine what we’d do without her.”

“She sounds incredible,” she answered. Now please move on like any normal invasive swarm.

Eventually, she did convince them. Six would remain through visiting hours. One would be allowed to sit overnight with the patient. For this, they elected the young woman, Cass, who had grown up next-door to the old matron. All agreed, she lived closest to Gran’s heart.

◦ ◦ ◦ ◦

IT was a little after 2:00 a.m. when Gran awoke. Cass did not immediately notice. Her focus had fallen hard on what the doctor had told her, and it was difficult to think of anything else. “It’s her time,” the woman had said, hands folded on a closed folder containing Gran’s entire medical life. “Her body’s giving out. She might make it till morning, maybe a day or two, but … she’s very old.”

Old, Cass thought. Her laptop sat open in front of her, a half-finished pamphlet design splashed across the dimmed screen. She had hoped to distract herself with work, but for hours she had no more than stared at the open file. …might make it till morning, maybe a day or two… The words circled in her head, overwriting all other thought. …but she’s very old… The idea that this woman, this fixture in Cass’s life, would be gone soon, was all she could focus on. As her great-grandmother’s sleep became restless, Cass’s attention was drawn inward. Even when the old woman slipped back into consciousness, she failed to notice. Only when Gran actually called out, did she finally snap back to the world.

“Ollie?” Gran’s fear cut the darkness, causing the younger woman to start. “Ollie, where am I? Where is this? What am I doing here? Ollie?!”

Tossing her laptop to the other chair, Cass reached for the old woman. “Sh-hh, Gran,” she whispered. “Sh-hh-hh, it’s me. It’s Cassidy. Your little Cass.”

“Cass?” If anything, Gran’s voice sounded more panicked. “Oh God. Cass … where am I? Where—where’s Ollie?”

“Gran, no; it’s okay. It’s okay. You’re in the hospital. You’re with me at the hospital. You fainted at the party. We brought you here to rest and get better.”

“No. No, I don’t like this, Cass. I need to see him. I need … I need … oh…” Her voice trailed off, as though the effort to speak was too much. This frightened Cass. Gran did not scare easily. Gran did not get befuddled. She was immutable, a force of nature. Seeing her like this…

“Greatest-Granddad’s gone,” Cass said, pressing the old woman’s knuckles in her palm. “He passed a long, long time ago, remember? Years before I was born. You do, Gran. Don’t you?

Surprisingly, this seemed to have a calming effect. Gran’s muscles relaxed. She eased herself back onto the bed. “Yes,” she breathed, sounding a little more herself. “Yes, Cass, that’s right. A long time. I just forgot. Just for a second.” She placed a frail hand over Cass’s, which Cass then sandwiched in her own. They held on like that for a minute before Gran pulled away. “Poor Ollie,” she murmured. “Poor, poor Ollie.” Then, “Please, Cassidy, the light. I’d like to see my favourite girl before I go.”

Cass flicked the switch on a wall-mounted fixture over the bed, and a dull glow kindled in its frosted bulb. “None of this before I go crap,” she chided. “You’re going to get better, okay? Mum and Dad brought you some things from the house; some clothes, your jewellery, that old book you like to read. They want you to keep your spirits up so you can get out of here and back home where you belong.”

Gran smiled. “My little Cass. A hundred-and-nineteen is long enough sentence for anyone, wouldn’t you say?” Cass shook her head. Gran had exceeded her generation’s life expectancy before she herself was born, yet to her, a world without the old woman in it was unthinkable. “Besides,” Gran continued, ignoring Cass’s silent objection, “a promise was made many years ago, and I expect it’s time to keep it.”

“Gran, what are you—”

“You say they brought my bobbles?”

Sitting back, Cass nodded.

“Please.”

Cass allowed herself a moment of uncertainty before retrieving a small cherry-wood box from the windowsill.

The box was an antique. Intricate friezes lay carved around its sides, each depicting a season of the year. Webs of brass and silver decorated the lid, set seamlessly into the polished wood. Cass adored this box, though she had never been allowed to touch it, or even look inside. It was strictly off-limits, the only real restriction Gran had ever enforced. Setting it on the old woman’s lap, she returned to her chair by the bed.

“I never told you how I ended up with your great-grandfather,” Gran remarked quietly, opening the little chest.

Cass took a moment to consider. A legend in the Merrill family—second only to Gran herself—Greatest-Granddad Ollie had died in the 1940s, before even the grandchildren were born. Yet each generation had grown up with him. Sitting cross-legged on the old woman’s worn living-room carpet, or curled into an ancient chair or sofa, listening to Gran’s stories, they had come to know him, to love him as if he had always been around. And though his death was something of a murky spot in the family chronicle—rarely discussed and vaguely understood to be suicide—it was his life the old woman loved to recount. The sort of man he was, how much he meant to her. They had gone on such adventures together, lived through incredible events. Through these enthralling tales, he lived again, and the entire family grew to adulate him, even as Gran herself did.

It was no small shock then, when Cass realized she had no idea how Gran had actually come to meet him. That can’t be right, she thought. Gran would have told that one. Surely, I would have asked. But thinking back, giving herself a good long moment to think, she found her mind drawing a blank.

Before Cass could voice her surprise, Gran—whose eyes remained fixed inside the box—shot up a silencing finger. “Wasn’t a question, Cassidy,” the old woman muttered. “I’m not asking; I’m saying, you’ve never heard this story.”

Cass’s mouth snapped shut.

Picking carefully through her jewelry—a bird digging for insects amidst a carpet of fallen nettles—Gran’s eyes widened as she spotted what she was looking for. She set the box aside, and in her hand held a silver bracelet formed of fine, interlinking bands. It wore a heavy coat of tarnish, painted on, presumably, by time and neglect, but was a wonderfully detailed piece and looked to be one-of-a-kind. Cass could not recall ever seeing Gran wear it. In fact, she was fairly certain she had never seen it at all.

“This bracelet,” Gran said, wistfully, “is older than you’d guess. Older than you’d believe, actually. It has more stories in it than I could tell you if I had … well, till you were my age. But the most recent, the one as it matters to me … and to you … is the tale of your great-grandfather. Oliver. It’s a story I’ve not told anyone. But then, no one as God-awful-old as me could miss how special you are, Cass—could doubt that you deserve to know. I suppose it’s time someone does.”

Cass’s throat seemed to swell. It was a struggle to pull air into her lungs. She knows she’s dying, she thought. She knows this will be the last story she tells. Leaning forward, crushed by the realization, yet desperate to hear what Gran had to say, she listened as the tale began.

“It was, oh … so far back now, in Turkey, maybe a year after the war—not the Great War; a few years on. After the Liberation. I guess these old bones would have looked about your age then—just shy, maybe—a girl, figuring out what it means to be a woman.

The winter rains came strong that year. I don’t think I’d seen the river so high…”

About Adam:

Man of many hats: teacher, engineer, editor, scholar, mountain climber, bar tender, student, world traveller, and through and above it all, writer, Wing has dedicated most his life to the craft of writing fiction.

Wing's published works include the novel, Icarus, and a book of short stories, Apoca Lypse Sink Ships, and he has fantasy work on the way.

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danfanciesphil · 7 years

Note

A jealous Dan prompt? Not mean or angsty just like idk sometimes Dan gets jealous?

Jealous!Dan is literally my weakness ily

Got a prompt for me? Hit up my ask box! (Please be aware that due to an abundance of prompts, your prompt may take a few days to complete - but thank you all for submitting so far!)

Phil is an attractive person.

Dan is acutely aware of this, and has been ever since he first saw an AmazingPhil video on YouTube. Whilst he’s not the most hair-raising, breathtaking beauty on the planet, there is no denying his good fortune in the looks department. Icy blue eyes, pale skin, jet black hair. It’s like the stuff of fairytales - and Phil pulls it off well.

More than this though, Phil’s attractiveness comes through in the way he is. In the way he acts, speaks, talks, and even thinks about things.

Sure, you might check him out briefly on the street and note his good looks, but it’s when you actually engage him in conversation, or spend time with him doing almost any activity, that you begin to realise just how fortunate you are to be in his presence at all.

He’s witty, and clever. He’s got a vast plethora of knowledge tucked away, but he’s modest about it, and tends to surprise people by peppering facts or proper, well-structured, carefully formed opinions into conversation.

He’s a kind, gentle soul, but he’s ambitious and fiercely loyal of his friends, never afraid to stand up for those in the wrong, or for what he believes in.

These aspects of Phil’s personality are things that Dan has grown to love. He discovers new parts of his boyfriend every day, and is regularly astounded by how truly magnificent he is as a person; it’s rather baffling, really, that he chooses to be with Dan, who is significantly younger, and far less well-rounded.

But putting Phil’s love-blindness aside, Dan is proud of himself for recognising the superior qualities of Phil Lester, especially as many people tend to overlook them.

It’s when they don’t overlook them that things get a little... trickier.

For instance, right now, they’re at a party. It’s New Year’s Eve, and some of Phil’s old friends from university (he has so many that Dan can barely keep track, let alone name the person whose flat he’s currently in) are having a party.

Dan likes Phil’s old friends a lot, of course. But at the same time, he can’t help but envy them, for having so much time with Phil before Dan even knew he existed.

They share memories that Dan will never be a part of. They know him so well, and Dan is trying to match their level of Phil-knowledge, but it’s a slow, painful process. It takes time to build a friendship that will rival theirs, Dan knows.

Also, Dan has no way of knowing what their relationship to Phil was in the past.

When Dan says that Phil has a lot of friends, he is not exaggerating, and they come in all genders. Not that Phil is particularly fussed about such things, Dan supposes, but he has noticed that girls in particular make beelines towards him when he enters these parties.

Right now, for instance, Phil is deep in conversation with three girls, all of whom have introduced themselves to Dan and seem like perfectly friendly, fun people.

Unfortunately, Dan has a condition that renders him unable to take their personalities into account, and it only worsens when he’s drunk.

Jealousy.

The expression goes that it’s an ugly emotion, and Dan can’t think of a better way in which to describe it. It’s awful, and all-consuming, making him feel like a horrible monster of a person, but Dan simply cannot suppress it.

He’s been sticking to Phil’s side since they got here, practically glued to him as he wanders around talking to everyone. He’s also being almost creepily quiet, just watching the conversations unfolding around him, eyeing everyone with suspicion, answering direct questions monosyllabically.

“... I could swear you’ve gotten taller!” One girl says to Phil, laughing like it’s hilarious. Dan narrows his eyes at her, trying not to scowl. He takes another swig of Malibu straight from the bottle to distract himself - it doesn’t work. “How is that possible? You make me look like a child when you stand next to me.”

As if to demonstrate, the girl - Dan thinks her name is Jessica - presses herself against Phil’s side, wobbling a little on tipsy legs. Her halterneck dress leaves a lot of skin on show around her shoulders and back, and she isn’t shy about pressing it against Phil’s arm.

“Cara, how bad is it?” Maybe-Jessica asks another girl standing in their huddle.

Cara laughs, framing them with her hands as though trying to snap a mental photo. “Not gonna lie, he’s at least a foot taller.”

Jessica throws her head back, laughing more. She hits Phil playfully on the arm, and Dan only just manages to stop himself tackling her to the floor for it.

“Phi-il, stop making me look bad! I’m in heels for God’s sake!”

Phil chuckles, a little pink-cheeked. “Sorry. Must be all that standing in soil I’ve been doing since I last saw you.”

Apparently, this is the funniest joke in the world, because Cara and Jessica are practically in tears with laughter. Jessica is hanging off Phil’s arm now, and Dan can actually feel the blood in his veins beginning to simmer. He wants to grab hold of Jessica’s halterneck tie and yank her backwards, possibly towards the nearest open window.

He can’t stand feeling like this. His hand twitches by his side. He must be glaring now, but nobody seems to notice. He sips some more Malibu.

All of a sudden, Jessica ‘trips’, seemingly on the air itself, falling forwards a bit, just in time for Phil to catch her. His arms steady on her waist, and she giggles, one hand over her mouth, staring up at him through her fake lashes.

“Whoops!” She says, a little more softly now. “One too many squadka’s, I think.” She pauses, and Phil laughs awkwardly, trying to draw his hands away. Dan catches his eye, and Phil reddens, attempting to free himself from inside Jessica’s personal bubble. Her hands grab his wrists, holding them in place, and she smiles at him, flirtatious. “Being so tall and strong has its benefits, I suppose.”

She bites her lip, and that is the moment Dan snaps. His teeth grind together, and he pushes Cara to one side, rather rudely, forcing himself between Phil and Jessica without apology. He finds Phil’s hand and grips it, hard, then turns to Jessica, eyes ablaze.

“He’s mine.”

It’s all he needs to say, apparently. Jessica totters backwards, her mouth open in a little ‘o’. Dan doesn’t care, he needs to do something about the viscous, burning heat racing through his whole body. He drags Phil across the room, past groups of bewildered looking twenty-somethings, and over to the wall.

There’s a small spot between the TV and the radiator, and Dan pulls Phil down into it, their backs to the walls. He places his hand on Phil’s thigh, a little overly possessive perhaps, but necessary. Phil is saying something, apparently rather perplexed by what’s happening, but Dan is barely listening.

He drinks another gulp of Malibu, then places the bottle to one side.

“...it’s just you haven’t really said anything all night, and now you go and basically attack Jess for just-”

Dan swings his leg over Phil’s, climbing onto his lap with practised efficiency. He pushes his lips into Phil’s shutting him up at once. He kisses hard, being rough and messy because he kind of wants it to hurt a bit. He wants Phil to realise how furious this has made him, and to respond in kind, to reassure Dan that there’s nothing to be worried about.

Phil doesn’t respond much at first, but Dan is expecting this. They haven’t told anyone at this party they’re together. Phil has been introducing Dan as ‘his friend’. It’s not for any particular reason, they’re just being careful. They don’t want to share something so personal with just anyone, and one can never be too sure of the reaction when it’s a queer relationship.

Then, after a while, once the shock of it has passed, Phil’s hands find Dan’s waist - his strong, sure hands, no longer gripping that bitchy girl’s sides - and he tugs Dan closer, kissing back just as hard.

Dan bites at his lips, all teeth and tongue as he attacks Phil’s mouth, hoping everyone is watching, and everyone can see just how little Phil belongs to any of them anymore.

“You’re mine,” Dan growls against him, pushing his hips down into Phil’s crotch, wanting to hammer the point home. “No one else gets to touch you.”

Breathless, with glazed eyes, Phil nods at him, diving back in for another kiss.

“It’s okay,” Phil tells him, tilting his head willingly as Dan mouths along his jaw, scraping his teeth down his neck. “I’m- ah! I’m yours.”

Dan nods in agreement, then bites, hard, sucking a bruise into Phil’s throat. He wants it to be a deep crimson, big and sprawling over Phil’s pretty pale throat. He wants it to darken over time, impossible to ignore as it purples and deepens, making people blush as they realise what it is.

Phil just lets him do it, for some reason.

Normally, they don’t allow love bites. Filming videos would be a nightmare, for a start, plus they take too long to disappear.

But Phil is passive now, just breathing heavily, his hands gripping Dan’s waist as Dan sucks on the skin. Finally, he leans away, satisfied with his work.

“Now they’ll know for sure.” Dan says, surveying his artwork with pleasure. He wants to leave another, almost immediately, to cover Phil in them all over his body. Maybe later, when they’re alone. He hums to himself in contentment, liking the idea immensely. “Mine.”

People are staring; Dan can feel their eyes. He doesn’t give a fuck, let them. Let everyone see how he has Phil cornered here, and how he doesn’t want to leave. Let the whole damn world realise that Phil is his, and that any attempt to sway him in a different direction will not end well.

Dan knows he’ll feel less crazy in the morning. The jealousy will have faded somewhat, though it will sit, as ever, simmering just beneath his skin, ready to leap out and turn him into a possessive monster once more.

For now, though, Dan is not letting Phil out of his sight. Midnight is hours away, but Dan isn’t sure he can wait that long. Phil looks pretty elated too, his pupils blown, and eyes trained on Dan’s face. Perhaps they could skip the rest of this reunion.

Home is just a taxi ride away, after all.

(Based off these photos)

#prompts #jealousy #idk what to tag this as #it's not exactly fluff #thank you bb! hope you enjoyed it!#anon #ellen answers

149 notes · View notes

irphanfic · 6 years

Text

Moonshot - Chapter 11

Wow. First of all, I'm really sorry for the delay of this chapter. I'm extremely busy with uni and since I'm having a bit of a writer's block with this story it has been really difficult to get this chapter out.

Either way, thank you for following my stories and supporting my writing, it means a lot! Anyways, every comment/ feedback is welcome!

summary: Phil had a feeling that this Friday was going to be different.

That didn’t mean he was ready to meet his favourite baseball player, Daniel Howell, while he was cleaning the windows of a building.

or the au in which Phil is a shy window cleaner and Dan is a famous baseball player. This is their story.

words: 3.6k

no trigger warnings

Read on ao3 - (x)

Chapters: 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10

Dan didn't go home that night.

He tried to, mentioning a few times that he should let Phil rest after the crazy few days he had had, trying to give Phil a bit of space if he wanted.

If Dan was honest he hadn't really wanted to go back to his lonely apartment in the heavy rain, but he could understand Phil's boundaries so he offered anyways, but Phil wasn't getting any of it, convincing Dan to stay with a few soft kisses.

So Dan ended up staying, still acting a bit shy around Phil when he told Dan to lie down with him on his bed, getting under the covers and sighing when Phil put his arms around him, bringing him closer to his still cold body, laying his head on Phils's chest, the beat of his heart relaxing Dan to the point that he fell asleep before managing to say a faint ''good night''.

It was now the next morning and Dan woke up slowly, rolling onto his side while his head rested on a pillow...? Wait. He thought he had fallen asleep almost on top of Phil last night? Had he dreamed that? Was yeterday all a dream? He hoped it really wasn't.

''Phil?'' Dan softly called, searching blindly for a warm body next to him only to receive no response. Was Phil still asleep?

Dan opened his eyes and looked around, finding no Phil on the bed or even on the bedroom. Had Phil left him? No, this couldn't be, Phil wouldn't do that. He must be in the bathroom then. But the door was still open and no one was there... Phil had really left him alone on his bed?

Dan was now more convinced than ever that yesterday had been all a dream. That it was all in his head. He only wanted to cry now.

He was about to get up and dress as quick as possible to leave this nightmare when suddenly the bedroom door opened, a messy haired Phil walking in with a tray on his hands that carried a few plates and mugs, his glasses falling a bit down his nose making him trip a bit at the entrance but quickly regaining the balance.

''Oh, you are up! It was going to be a surprise but I brought you breakfast!'' Phil said with a tired smile, walking towards Dan who just blankly stared at him.

Had Phil, who had only been his boyfriend for a few hours, really walked in to bring Dan breakfast? Now, this was a fucking dream. Dan only thought this only happened in movies...

''I only had cereal and a bit of fruit, but I made coffee with two sugars as you like it. I can do some toast if you would like but I don't have any jam so I thought it wouldn't be the best idea and...'' Phil rambled as he set the tray down on Dan's lap, bracketing his thights and sitting down next to Dan, popping up some pillows on the headboard to get more comfortable.

Dan continued to stare. He was sure he looked stupid right now but he couldn't seem to function. This was something Dan had been dreaming of happening for a while now and Phil had managed to do it without even knowing that Dan would have wanted something like this.

''Is something wrong? You don't like this cereal, I can bring you oth...'' Dan heard Phil ask with a concerned expression on his face.

''No!'' Dan cut him off, maybe a bit too loudly and strong than he had intended, ''No, Phil, no. I... I like this cereal. I like this breakfast thing, I like it a lot. Thank you.'' Dan said in a softer tone this time, accompaning all the words with a proper smile, ''It's actually one thing... no, it's silly nevermind, let's eat.'' Dan said, wanting to tell Phil about his 'dream', but Phil would proably think it was so foolish and lame so he discarded the idea of even mentioning something.

''Hey, no Dan, if it matters to you it cannot be silly, okay? You can tell me if you want.'' Phil said, grabbing one of Dan's hands between his, somehow giving Dan an impulse to start opening up to the blue eyed.

''It's just... everytime I felt lonely I wished for someone to enter my bedroom and bring me breakfast with coffee, some fruit, pancakes and a rose, I don't really know why but then you suddenly entered the bedroom and I... It's just a small gesture but to me it means a lot. And the fact that you didn't even know about it makes it more impressive so... thank you.'' Dan explained, feeling a lot better already.

''Well, I'm sorry mine didn't carry pancakes or a rose so I think for next time I will have to keep that in mind.'' Phil said, bringing Dan for a sweet kiss that had his heart fluttering not only because of the soft and gentle kiss, but also the words. He would love to have breakfast in bed with Phil every morning.

''Wait, you don't have practice today?'' Phil asked as soon as they separated.

''I did, but I called yesterday and coach let me the next two days off. I guessed I would need a bit of time to process whatever happened when I came to yours.'' Dan said, taking a small sip from his coffee, ''This was more important to me than practice anyways, so I even if I didn't have permission to miss training I would have done it anyways. My mind would be too busy and wouldn't be able to concentrate so...''

''So, given that you don't have more practice till Monday.... you wanna spend this four day weekend with me? I mean, I have to work on Friday but we could still manage to arrange something, it's just a few hours.'' Phil suggested with a smile, taking a few pieces of fruit.

Dan beamed at him. It was just such a simple suggestion, something you hear all couples do, but still it made him feel all tingly and warm inside. ''Yes, I would love to!''

''Great! Now let's eat, I'm starving, aren't you?'' Phil said, pecking Dan's cheek before grabbing a few more pieces of fruit, almost leaving the bowl empty, alternating between feeding one to Dan and one to himself.

______________

They literally spent all Thursday in Phil's bed, snuggling around blankets and each other as they catched up on anime while eating an unhealthy amount of popcorn and chocolate goods. He had enjoyed every minute he spent with him. Every gentle touch they traded, every caress, every kiss... It seemed as if Dan couldn't get enough of Phil and Phil wouldn't complain about it. Oh no. He was pretty much okay having Dan Howell all over him almost for 24 hours.

Even though Phil insisted Dan to stay the night again, (and could also see on Dan's face that he didn't want to go back to his flat) the player decided to return back since he knew Phil worked tomorrow and wanted him to have a good night's rest.

It was Friday now and Phil was already reaching Dan's windows instantly frowing at the lack of Dan inside the spacious flat. 'Where was he?' He had promised yesterday to be here when Phil arrived...

Suddenly an almost naked Dan walked into the living room just out from the shower as Phil could guess from the maroon towel that was covering his lower body and the few drops of water that were making their way down his toned torso, a mop of ultra messy curls on top of his head that Phil really wanted to untangle with his fingers.

Even though Phil knew his face was deep red and could be seen from kilometres away, he was so glad that the glass separating them was soundproof so Dan couldn't hear the gasp he had let out at the sight.

How was Phil even so lucky? That was a question he didn't know how to answer.

Just as the blue eyed was trying to prentend not to have seen Dan in case he felt uncomfortable, Dan noticed him and smiled, walking towards him and picking up the the notebook he had been using to communicate with Phil all those first times.

While Dan was writing, Phil used his time to he admire his boyfriend's physical attributes up close. He noticed small light brown fleckles scatered around on his collarbones as if they were splatters of paint, followed by a weirdly shaped birthmark on his stomach really near to his belly button, making Dan more of a unique person than he already was.

'Sorry, showered longer than expected but come up when you finish? Gonna change now :)' Phil read once he startled out of his trance.

He gulped and quickly nodded, smiling a little before ushering Dan back to his bedroom with a few hand movements, rapidly picking up a bottle and spraying around so he couldn't get lost on that defined back.

Once Dan disappeared, Phil managed to clean all of the windows on record time, giving him enough time to calm himself down so he could knock on Dan's front door with no red cheeks that would surely been followed by nervous movements and high-pitched greetings.

''Hi,'' a fully dressed Dan said happily as he opened the door even wider, letting Phil in and greeting him with a sweet kiss, lacing his arms around the black haired, who easily responded and kissed Dan back.

''It feels so good to do that,'' Dan said once they separated, quickly closing the door and dragging Phil further in.

''I agree,'' Phil said, leaning in for another kiss that didn't last too long. ''So, what plans did you think we could do today?''

''I have something in mind but first,'' Dan said in a mysterious tone, walking to his bedroom and not letting Phil follow, signing him to sit on the sofa and to leave his coat and backpack at the entrance.

Phil did as he was told and looked around the living room with a new perspective, spotting a few pictures of younger Dan with his family, friends and teamates, smiling at the happiness he was radiating. He also noticed a few books around, reading the vertically written titles rapidly, some of them familiar, some others not so much.

Just before he could finish reading the shelves of books, Dan appeared again, something familiar on his hands.

''My manuscript.''

''Your manuscript.'' Dan sat down next to him, handing him the stack of papers perfectly settled.

''Did you finish it?'' Phil asked a bit waryly. He wouldn't admit it, but Dan's opinion on his writing was pretty important to him. Of course he remembered the compliments the brown eyed had told him a few days back over Skype, but he had just read a little, not enough to form a solid opinion of t yet.

''Yeah, yesterday. I would have finished it earlier but you know after everything well... but Phil, it's... wow, it's mindblowing. Your book, really, I don't know, it has something that drives you in all the time, each chapter, every new character that appears, every single plot twist. Phil, it's amazing.'' Dan finished with a sigh, smiling softly at Phil.

''Really? You think so?'' Phil questioned, staring at his manuscript and back at Dan repeatedly, as if he didn't believe the words he was saying, ''It's just, maybe it wasn't that good, I mean, I haven't gotten a call back from any publishing houses yet so...''

''Yes, really Phil, believe me. It's good, really good. No, even more than that, it's awesome, okay? And, even if it takes time I know that call will arrive, I don't know when but it will arrive.'' Dan said, reaching for Phil's hands to comfort him a bit.

''Thank you,'' Phil muttered, giving Dan a peck before lying his head on his shoulder, instantly feeling Dan's arm bringing him even closer, ''So, let's not talk about my writing anymore, what did you plan for us to do today?''

''Well, you know how I moved here not so long ago, and with practices, interviews, trips and more I have a spare room that needs some painting, so would you help me? If you are up to it, of course, we can always do something else if you want to...'' Dan said, shrugging his shoulders a bit.

''Yeah! It sounds like fun! But you will need to lend me some old clothes since I didn't bring any...'' Phil commented, gesturing to the clothes that he had put on under his work uniform, now stuffed in his backpack.

''Yeah of course, c'mon, we can start now and have a lunch break later on,'' Dan said excitedly as he lifted himself from the sofa and grabbed Phil's hand in the process, pulling him up without any warning.

Phil protested a bit from having to move from the sofa and the sudden movements but a quick kiss from Dan shut him up, ''Stop complaining and follow me, the walls are huge and we will need a few hours to finish the whole room.''

Five minutes later Phil found himself dressed with baggy sweatpants and an extra large sweater that smelled like Dan (not that he was complaining. Not at all) in the middle of an empty ugly green coloured room waiting for Dan to come back with the brushes and paint along with some music and speakers that he had insisted on bringing so they could have some background noise while they painted.

''Ready to paint?'' Dan said as he entered the room, handing Phil a big brush and connecting the phone to some speakers as he choose a random playlist that filled the room with pop music instantly.

Phil nooded and grinned, instantly dipping the brush inside the tub of paint and giving a few gentle strokes on the wall, looking at Dan as he did the same, moving and humming along with the music.

They both had been painting for a while when Walking On Sunshine by Katrina & The Waves came through the speakers, making them both start fully singing and dancing in the silliest way possible as if they were in some karaoke.

''Walking on sunshine... I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real! I feel the love, I feel the love, I feel the love that's really real!'' They sang looking at each other, staring at the other's crinkled eyes due the big smiles they had on their faces.

Phil didn't know why but he felt warm all sudden. Was it because of the lyrics of the song maybe having a double meaning? No, it couldn't be... But then, he looked at Dan, who probably was mirroring his euphoric mood, literally beaming a Phil and he understood.

He was in love. He was in love with Dan Howell. There was no way out now.

''Phil, you okay?'' he heard Dan ask over the loud notes of an unfamiliar rock song, who was still smiling but had a bit of worry in his expression.

''Yeah, I'm fine. Great!'' Phil answered, smiling back at Dan as he leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss, enjoying the soft look it got on Dan's face.

''Phil! You painted my jumper!'' Dan laughed, trying to erase the paint that was already dry, painting Phil back on revenge.

''It was an accident I swear!'' Phil said staring at the big white spot that was now on Dan's clothes. It had really been an accident when he leaned in and didn't even notice where he had the paint brush, but now he was running, trying his best to escape Dan's brush but not succeeding at all, ''You just painted your own sweater!''

''I don't care, you deserved that!'' Dan replied, trying to make an angry face but not managing to erase the toothy-grin that he was sporting.

''And you, deserve... this!'' Phil reached forward and managed to paint Dan's left cheek, leaving a wide white stroke adorning his face.

Dan gasped at the cold paint on his face, ''Phil! Oh, you are on!''

They started chasing eachother around the empty room, somehow managing to paint one another as they laughed and sang along to old radio music, squealing every time they felt the brush touch their skin or body.

''I think... we should... stop for... a bit'' Phil suggested between breaths. He wasn't a professional athlete like Dan, so after a few minutes running he was more than ready to collapse on the floor.

''You already tired, Lester?'' Dan teased as he turned off the radio and walked up to Phil, caressing his cheek, giving it a soft peck before asking if he wanted a glass of water, an offer Phil gladly took.

As Dan left the room, Phil heard some familiar music but he couldn't place where it was coming from... The radio was turned off so, maybe some neighbour was blasting a song in the shower?

''Phil, I think your phone is ringing!'' he heard Dan shout from the kitchen.

Oh, yeah! It was his rigntone, now it all made sense! Someone was calling him and he didn't get phonecalls that often so it must be important...

Phil ran off the room and picked up the phone from the front pocket of his backpack, not even bothering to look at the number that was calling him.

''Yes?'' Phil answered a bit out of breath, silently thanking Dan as he brought him a big glass of water that he drank in a few seconds, handing it back to Dan who returned to the kitchen to leave Phil speak privately.

''Hi, is this Phil Lester?'' A polite and sweet voice from the other side of the phone asked.

''Yeah, it's me, who is calling?'' Phil asked a bit unsure as he didn't recognize the voice at all...

''Hi, Mr. Lester my name is Nicky and I'm calling you from Bloomsbury Publishing.''

Bloomsbury Publishing. Wait. It was one of the most important publishing houses in the UK.

When Phil heard Nicky's introduction he tried not to get his hopes up. He had been rejected a few times already by them so he wasn't expecting the next sentences.

''I'm calling you beacuse we are interested in publishing your novel 'Strangers of Space'. We have been looking into more Sci-fi works lately and yours seems to be one of our favourites. Will you be willing to meet next Monday at noon for a proper meeting?''

Phil gasped at this. What was even happening!? He couldn't belive this, he was going to cry. This was what he had been waiting for all his life and now it was close to becoming true.

''Yes sure! Thank you! I just... thank you!'' Phil managed to let out, still not believing this was happening.

''Great! If you have any questions just call into this same phone number and I will try to answer them all.'' Nicky offered.

''Okay, and thank you!'' Phil repeated, not knowing what more he should say.

Nicky said her goodbyes and hung up the phone, leaving Phil alone with his thoughts.

''This is real, Phil. You are probably getting published by one of the most important publishing houses in the UK.'' he said to himself, still surprised and a bit in shock.

Suddenly Dan's worried voice startled him, ''Phil, you okay? Is something wrong? You seem paler than usual... Was that phonecall a bad one?''

Phil felt Dan's hand touch his face, as if trying to get Phil out of the daze he was in.

''Yes... I mean, no! I mean, I'm okay and no, it wasn't a bad phonecall, it was probably the best phonecall I have ever gotten Dan!'' he excitedly said, showing his boyfriend a big smile before breaking the news, ''it was from Bloomsbury Publishing, they said they really like 'Strangers of Space' and they are interested in publishing it! Dan, they want to publish my novel!'' Phil squealed, giving a few little jumps before he felt a pair of strong and big arms enveloping him in a big hug.

''Phil, that's awesome! I'm so happy for you! I'm so proud of you!'' Dan said to him, separating their bodies a bit so they could look at each other in the eyes, a wide and pround smile on his face, ''I cannot believe my boyfriend is going to be a best selling author...'' Dan teased but is his tone Phil could really hear his sincerity. Did Dan really believe he could be a best selling author? Wow.

''Dan, shh! I don't know if I will ever get to be one, but just having this opportunity is... is amazing. But either way, thank you for believing in me.''

''Phil... I will always believe in you.'' Dan said, bringing Phil into a deep kiss that showed him better than anything else how much Dan supported him.

''So, what about some celebratory popcorn, huh?'' Dan asked once they separated for air, lacing their fingers together to pull Phil towards the couch.

Phil nodded repeatedly, as he sat down on the sofa and stared up at Dan, who was still looking at him with the softest smile on his face, ''Celebratory popcorn sounds perfect right now...''

''Three minutes and I'll be back, okay? Just, put a movie on if you want...'' Dan leaned down and pecked Phil on the lips, leaving Phil wanting nothing more than gentle kisses from the curly haired.

''Okay...'' Phil whispered against Dan's lips, turning around just in time to watch his boyfriend prepare the microwaved popcorn as he hummed to an unknown song.

'Yeah, I'm in love with Dan Howell.'

Chapter 12

#moonshot #moonshot - chapter 11 #irphanfic #Phanfic #phanfiction #phanfic au #phanfiction au #amazingphil #daniel howell #au #phan #phan au

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castawxayaway · 7 years

Text

another lifetime

(also I’m writing this listening to dodies new EP. god she is so talented and beautiful, if you’re wondering what my favourite song is it has to be the Instrumental, followed by In The Middle!)

requested by the lovely @thelightthatisblindingme you guys ask for it, and I’ll write it. (and this is a lot of heartbreak, you’ve been prewarned) this is actually based off of my time in London, well moreso my day dreaming. also the prompt list I reblogged a while ago, this is #85: don’t lie to me.

prompt list / collection of my writing / requests open *nudge nudge*

Rushing I stood before the coloured lines and names I would soon forget, attempting to decipher which one I'd need to be on. People passed me with a sense of urgency, each having a place to go to with plans in mind whilst I stand utterly clueless. To my left I can hear a train coming, I scan for the name that I was told to go to, once I find it I let my brain sort it out and quickly walk to see the train originally there gone along with most of the people around.

I glance up to see it would be on its way in the next few minutes, so I allow myself to breathe, let my heart beat calm down slightly as there are fewer people here to notice my paranoid state. London, as much as it is a beautiful city, it is one that I cannot cope with on a daily basis let alone a work meeting. Taking a look at those around me you can differ between the tourists and the commuters, for once I fall into the latter.

Loud noises begin to stir in the tunnel, air begins to circulate around us as my train approaches. Already everyone is getting ready, taking a position waiting for a door to open before them. Copying them I wait behind the yellow line, trying to keep my breathing under control as it whizzes by, blurring every face in the cabins until it is just colour. Before me is a half empty cabin, I let out a sigh of relief as I sit down, my own reflection facing me in the glass.

My vision shifts between my tinted cheeks and clammy palms to the empty track and platform filled with people waiting for the next train. We sit still, not going immediately like I had anticipated. Instead the train for the other side of the platform runs alongside us in the opposite direction. Everything blurs, those standing, sitting, swaying, listening to music, doing their makeup. It all becomes primary colours until it comes to a halt and more people join those originally there.

Keeping my head down as I check my phone I glance up, only to see myself still in the glass, but also the other carriage in front of me. Someone tall is blocking my view, but as I sigh they stand up revealing who is sat on the far side of the carriage close to the platform. I raise an eyebrow as they keep their head down, a mess of dark brown hair just tasselled back. It’s just a mere coincidence, I repeat in my head in attempt for my heart to calm the beating to its necessary amount rather than its current state.

I can see him lifting his head, so I look back down, then around at the carriage I’m in before focusing back on him. My breath becomes caught in my throat as he looks my way, clearly not seeing me as his glasses aren’t on, but the jacket is. He blinks a few times before pulling his glasses out and slipping them on, leaning forward and actually seeing me. My cheeks begin to burn as my vision shifts between my worried expression to his confused look. We both simply look at each other, neither having the opportunity to say a word as the beeping sounds, the doors shut. I open my mouth as he does, yet no words come and we both move in opposite directions.

Once the windows turn black I relax into the stiff fabric, unsure what to think or how to process the sight I just saw. It’s been three years. Three whole years without seeing his face, yet the one day, the one day I’m back. I scoff silently to myself at the coincidence, partially grateful knowing it won’t happen again. London is a big city, the chances of seeing him twice? Highly unlikely. Instead of dwelling I listen to the automated voice announcing the stations with little emotion, just monotone. Zoning out I watch my reflection, how I cross my leg over the other one, tilt my head and rest my arm on my leg, unable to get him off of my mind.

Stumbling up the step I search for my keys as my friends drive off, trying to laugh quietly in order to keep the neighbours at peace, as well as him. I wear the same goofy smile on my face as I recall the haziness of the night we just had, the shots, the dancing and the uneasy walk along the beach. As the door unlocks I slip my shoes off and before I can continue getting undressed the stair creaks.

As I hear the announcement for Oxford Circus I stand up, and try to push the memory back, back where it should be along with his harsh words. The words that my heart is still healing from. The doors open and I push through the people, his words whispered between them as I forced through the masses and towards the stairs, towards the air.

He sat there still, watching me in low lighting as I giggled to myself. As I caught his gaze he wore disappointment heavy in his eyes, the same look he has worn for days now, the love and light has been isolated and torn apart leaving this. I felt the sweetness go, only to be replaced by the bitterness that carves a rightful place in my heart. “It’s 4 in the morning.” All he does is moan about me being out, yet he is barely here. There is more to me than sitting here, waiting for him to get home. Sometimes I just wish he could see that, that I have a life outside of our relationship. Hanging my coat up I place my bag on top of it, reaching for my phone. “That him then?” He piped up, a sour look crossed his face, yet I shrugged it off.

Glancing down to my wrist I can feel the redness, the stinging still despite how long it has been. I reach my arm into my coat pocket, keeping it out of sight to hide the invisible mark that he left. Like everyone else I blended in, I kept my head down as I exited the station and took a deep breath of the polluted air allowing the familiar toxic sensation back into my life.

“That hurts.” Any soft warm feeling that was in my body had been drained, instead the burning that pulsed in my wrist as he held it replaced it. I locked eyes with him as we both stood up on the stairs, him towering me. “Let go.” I spoke with force, and he let go as I tried to hide the mark he left, I’ve never seen him this way before.

Walking away from him I held back the tears in my eyes, knowing soon he would see them in the morning light. “How long has it been then, huh?” Turning round I glance his way, seeing the heaviness in his face. I roll my eyes, but that only makes it worse for him. Before I know it he is behind me, keeping a close eye on me as I hesitate to get undressed. “Who is he? This guy you keep on meeting.” He spits the words with so much venom I can see it burning at my feet.

Confusion lies heavy in my eyes as I simply stare at him. “What guy? I’m not cheating on you!” I yell in frustration, unable to fathom his accusations. “I was with the girls, that’s all so stop being so dramatic.” Groaning I walk off to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind me and locking it.

As I lie against the door I can feel him on the other side, lying down I see his feet at the door, waiting for me to come out. “Just tell me who he is, it’s that easy.” He spoke with an uneasy amount of calmness in his tone, the sort that makes you feel moreso on edge than before.

“There isn’t a guy, Dan! You’re the only one I have.” I repeat myself again, wanting to slam my head against the door in fury.

He pounds on the door, causing me to jump. I move away from it, cowering by the toilet. “Don’t lie to me.” I can feel his rage through the thin wooden panels, the look that won’t wear off like the alcohol in my system. As he continues to tell me awful things about myself I know and try to remind myself that he’s drunk, he only could say such things when he is in such a state.

Sending my friends a text they reply saying to wait it out, that they’d be here soon enough. I relax against the toilet, waiting for them to turn up as I zone out of his comments, the toxins he spews at me through the door.

It took Will, Woody and Kyle to calm him down that night, they took him away to sober him up. A few days after I could barely look at him after what he said to me. We ended things when he tried to get help with his drinking, that was the last time I saw him, in his denim jacket and those glasses. The same ones he is wearing today.

I walk with caution, a hint of fear arising around my shoulders as I feel him nearing me despite travelling in a different direction. Nearing the building I ease the tension that builds in my muscles, knowing for a few hours that I’m secure in here, I won’t see him here.

Throughout the entire talk I can barely focus, every time someone speaks all I can picture is how different he seemed. Has he changed? Maybe he is better now, maybe he is stable. Maybe. Has be got his life back on track? Is he happy?

Am I happy having seen him? Or am I just kidding myself?

Once the meeting is over I walk out with a few colleagues, unable to laugh along wholeheartedly like I normally would. “You alright?” One asks me as they brush my arm.

Snapping out of it I nod, “Never been better.” I lie through my teeth and force a smile. With that we all walk different ways, I call a taxi to go somewhere relaxing, to what was once my haven. To Hyde Park.

As I get out I can’t help but feel years younger, I’m in my early twenties again, full of ambition about my future and the dreams I have. Walking around I take a seat, taking in the scenery before leaving once again, giving in. I close my eyes and picture my younger self again, how content I could be here. “Of all the places, I knew you’d find yourself back here.” Opening my eyes I glance to my left, trying to hide my shaking hands and sweaty palms.

My eyes trail up his attire, he seems more put together compared to back then. His hands relax, they no longer shake contrasting my own. I reach his face, he’s barely aged yet his stubble is more prominent now. His eyes differ entirely, they don’t lack dimension like they once did, instead they burst with colour, with varying shades of blue. It’s as if the alcohol drained the colour, any hope he once had yet now it is fully restored.

A smile grows on his face as I sit still, an involuntary smile growing on my own. “Always my place to think.” I state, unsure what else I can say or fathom as he hovers by the seat next to me, neither of us sure on the boundaries between us. I pat the spot next to me, “I don’t bite.” Joking I ease the tension, he sits next to me and both of us relax in the silence and watch the world go by.

“How come you’re in London?” He speaks up a few minutes later after we’ve seen business folk walk by, families and pets being walked.

Rubbing my lips I pause before answering, I ponder turning to face him, let our knees touch or to relax entirely knowing it’s him. “Business stuff, I’m working on a new piece of artwork and they want to review my ideas.” I explain, still keeping a safe distance.

His face lights up entirely, the brightness in his eyes contrasts what I once knew. “That is,” Pausing he shifts his body to face him, lifting his arms up and bringing them down with joy as he finishes his sentence. “that is unbelievable.” A warm smile is evident on his face. “You always wanted to do something like that.” He mumbles to himself before looking away, clearly having the same memories as I am.

“And you? Still here then?” I pipe up, trying to distract us both.

“Yeah, yeah.” He wipes his face, focusing ahead rather than on me. “Band is still doing really well, just working on our new album.” He says it as if it is nothing, that his music is no big deal. If only he could see what I saw, what his fans saw.

Nudging him he shifted slightly, “That is huge Dan, your fans will love it, they always do.” Speaking with more spirit in my voice he straightens his back, we both ease into a conversation as if it is like old times. A time before we both became polluted.

“So, where did you move to?” He asks as the conversation drops, the quiet makes my heart beating faster more apparent. “I tried to come back to the flat, but you were gone. It got sold.” I can see the pain, the hurt that has branded him.

My heart drifts back to that time, the tearing of my artery being lived again, as if it were the first time. “I couldn’t talk to you, I told the others. They said if I told you, directly that it could set you back.” Shaking my head my hands gripped the bench. “I didn’t want you to get worse. All I wanted was for you to be you again.” I whisper under my breath, but the way his hand is reaching for mine, he knows what I said.

I watch carefully as his hand nears mine, I can see it happening, but I can’t feel it. “I’m me again, I promise you.” He whispers as he tries to connect our hands, but I pull mine away quickly.

Locking eyes with him I can see how hard he is trying, but I just can’t. “I’m sorry Dan.” Standing up he sits still, a pleading look fading into the hope. “My heart can’t take the pain, even if good is in the mix the pain will be prominent.”

He stands up, keeping a comfortable distance between us. “Look, I fucked up, I know.” He sighs and begins to fidget. “And why would you want to trust me, we live different lives, but doesn’t part of you wonder what could have been?”

Part of me wants to nod, for us to start over, relive what we had. “We aren’t kids anymore, Dan.” But no, I shut it out. I push it back with the pain to the spot that should not be opened, the stitches that should not be cut open too soon. “I can’t try again.” I take a few steps backwards, before walking off.

His eyes, the hope mixed with ambition behind the glass is something I’ll keep locked in my memory. That is something I won’t push, force backwards like the bad and the painful times. I’ll always remember the singer in the glasses, even if in his darkest days he doesn’t know me.

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theanchour · 7 years

Text

∆ one of the best days of my entire life ∆

Alright. So. I am going to do my very best at this. But here it finally is, in its entirety in post form: On Saturday May 6th, 2017 in Charlotte, North Carolina, I saw my favorite band, Bastille, again. And by some all-powerful grace of a god in the sky or the universe rewarding me for some reason, I got to meet them. Here is the story:

First off, I was not supposed to attend this concert at all. I live in Maryland, and every single being in the universe for a month was not on my side. I have a great friend, Megan, who lives in North Carolina, and it was not working out that I could visit her and go to either this Charlotte show, or the one in Raleigh next week. It was absolutely miserable trying to work out how to go to see them, and because I live with my parents, they were extremely against it. Even though I’m 22 at the moment, for some reason, their opinion on spending my own money, time, and gas was somehow important.

Anyway, I finally figure out a way to get there. Megan and I are ecstatic. I finally get to her place in North Carolina and we are incredibly excited (and nervous). Only issue…she had already invited her other friend with her to the contest she had won through a radio station to meet them. As I said, I was not supposed to somehow find a way to get to them and see them again so soon. My friend was devastated that she had invited her other friend to go already. But I was excited no matter what. I was seeing my favorite band again and I was with an amazing friend...I was so happy for her to be able to meet them regardless.

The day of, we drive to the venue. One of her other friends Reagan, who is a sweetheart by the way, met us there as well. Now keep in mind, not only are we waiting outside to get into the venue obviously, but this venue is outdoors. It was cold, windy, and it started raining. We were in line hours before but it seemed like it was even longer. It just felt so frustrating. I was starting to think that everything was literally and figuratively “raining down on me” and trying to tell me I was an idiot for trying to go to this concert. But regardless, I held hope. I had to be happy anyway. I was here in line with Megan in NC to see my favorite band.

For hours we waited, shivering underneath an umbrella. Dan tweeted out that quote tweet where he had agreed with a fan that the rain needed to go away. It somehow made me feel even worse. I was excited, but miserable standing there outside. Megan’s other friend showed up, and it made me sadder. I had kinda hoped she just wouldn’t show up or wouldn’t be able to make it so that I could somehow go with Megan, but I hadn’t held out any hope at all for that anyway...it was more like a distant wish and mean-sounding dream to have. I felt my friend start to feel sadder and even worse because she wanted me to go so badly. It made me feel guilty too.

Finally the doors opened, and Megan and her other friend had to stay waiting outside for will call to meet the radio station for meet and greet. Reagan and I got into the venue, and headed into the pit. Like last time, I was like one or two people back from the barrier, really close, and on the left side in the middle. Obviously...because I may or may not be in total love with Kyle…so of course I want to be on Kyle’s side, always. I like being in the middle of that left side so I can have a good view of the middle and beyond of the stage as well, and I could still get an angle of Will on the way right.

As we are waiting, me and Reagan are talking to the really friendly and nice younger girls in front of us, talking about our other concert experiences with Bastille and other bands. I do this often at concerts...I am very extroverted and making friends and talking to others comes easily to me. Suddenly, my friend’s phone starts ringing, and she mouths to me “It’s Megan!” and I was confused, because she was supposed to be in the meet and greet. I immediately got worried that something bad had happened. Then this is where EVERYTHING changed.

Her friend asks, “Did you get the text Megan sent you?” and I hadn’t, because I had been talking to the girls in front of us. Then she says, “There’s an extra meet and greet, and it’s yours. Go to will call. NOW!” and my heart dropped. I yelled “WHAT?!” so ungodly loudly that the entire pit and beyond full of people in this venue turned to look at me. I was hyperventilating and freaking out and Reagan is just like “Audrey!! RUN! GO!” and I’m like, frozen. I ask the girls in front of us to save my spot for Megan and I (her other friend that was already with her had a seat with her sister elsewhere) and they were like “OMG OMG YEAH GIRL, JUST GO!”

So I push my way through people and I am running SO GODDAMN FAST out of there. The lady at the gate unscans my ticket so I can get back in for meet and greet and then the pit obviously and I am sprinting to will call. I was a competitive runner for years, and this was the single most important run I have ever ran, no joke.

So I make it there, and I am hyperventilating but also panting from running, and everyone from meet and greet are there, including Megan and her friend, and the radio station. And I just say “WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?? HOW???” And Megan is freaking out with me and she points to these other two people in line. And they explain to me that they had an extra meet and greet because they couldn’t find someone else to go. And normally you’re not allowed to just add a random person last minute but the radio guy was like “Well, if I turn around and then there’s suddenly an extra person here…” and so like. DUDE THANK YOU RADIO GUY, I OWE YOU MY LIFE. Thank goodness my friend had been listening in on them talking about it, and she immediately told them “I HAVE A FRIEND WHO WANTS TO BE HERE!”

SO I am there. In line. TO MEET THEM. And I am tweeting up a storm on my stan Twitter (@bastilleaud) and I cannot type. Or breathe. Steffi (@bastillefueled) was the first to respond, and then suddenly I get a huge influx of tweets of my Twitter friends being like WHOA WHAT IS HAPPENING HOW WHY WHERE WHAT. And Steffi was dying for me and it was adorable, because she had seen how much trouble and awfulness I had gone through for weeks even trying to get to this concert. Shout out to you girl, I love love love you.

So we make our way back into the venue, and we are lined up waiting to go inside the inside part of the venue where there were like crew and such, and there was a background set up to take photographs in front of it. I have never been to an official meet and greet for anything EVER, so it was surreal to even see that. It felt like we were waiting for ages and ages, though it was probably a matter of ten minutes. And then.

The four of them walk out in a line. It was literally exactly like that part of the Send Them Off! m/v when they walk out all epicly. My heart dropped. Apparently to my friend Isabella I made waiting in line, I blurted out “they’re REAL” but I honestly don’t remember that, funnily enough. Also, I’ve seen them in concert before? I clearly was just, very excited. Duh. Anyway, the first person I noticed was Will, and they all walked out in order of how they stood in front of the background: Will, Kyle, Woody, and Dan. I was sad but not surprised that Charlie wasn’t there, I would have loved to meet him too.

So Megan and I (and her other friend) were the second to last in line to meet them. We did this purposefully so that we could maybe catch a bit of extra time with them. They told us that we couldn’t take selfies or pictures on our own phones, but that the radio guy would take a couple group pictures on his and then send them to us all. We also couldn’t get anything signed, but I wasn’t heartbroken about any of that. All I was was EXCITED TO MEET THEM.

So finally it’s our turn. I just remember shaking so much. I walked so slowly towards Will, cause I decided to just go down the line in order to meet them. Will had specifically been staring at me while I had been waiting in line and my heart was racing so hard. So when I walked towards him, he winked (like the usual flirty cheeky chap he is) and I was like “Hi Will! It’s so nice to meet you!” and he said “You too!” And I was kinda trying to avoid going to Kyle right away, especially cause I was SOOO nervous to meet him especially, to be frank. So I was like “How are you today?!” and ugh I just noticed how freakin beautiful Will is in that moment. But he was like “Good! But the rain…” and he smirked so cutely, that face he makes when his lips kinda curl. So precious. And I was like “Ugh I know right?!” And then Megan’s other friend walked up towards him. So next was Kyle goddamn Simmons.

So I backed up for a second when I saw him look at me, and I couldn’t help holding my hands to my chest and making like a pretend cry face (only slightly pretend LOL) and I was like “Hey Kyle…” and held my arms out and said, “I kinda love you” to be lighthearted and joke a bit, and he leaned into me (he was a whole head taller than me, and I am nearly 5′8, I was shaking) and he hugged me so tightly and I just remember feeling his shirt on my face and being in disbelief. And he just goes “Awww…” and “it’s okay.” because he probably felt me shaking against him. And by probably I mean definitely. So I force myself to let go so it isn’t awkward, and I show him my tank I am wearing that has this on it:

Now remember...I hadn’t planned on meeting them that day so I had no idea they would even see it. It was just for me to enjoy. I am obsessed with cats (I have three) and I know he used to talk about loving them more than he does now. So I just am like “Look at my shirt!” and he pokes himself on the shirt (obviously the keyboard cat) and squeaks out cutely, “That’s me!” and it’s on my boob. So. He poked my boob. Which I don’t think he noticed. I don’t know. But I was like “Yeah!” and then he’s like “Aw and look there’s Woody!” and almost poked my other boob too (LOL) and then pointed at Dan singing and he laughed at that (”Look, he’s yelling!”), and then obviously Will on bass there. (this is not the end of my interaction with Kyle either, hold for the end…)

So then I quickly noticed Woody wasn’t with anyone so I walked up to him and was like “HIIII Woody!” and he was so so adorable, oh my goodness. He immediately leans in to hug me. And I hugged him back obviously. And I remarked, “You’re a great hugger!” and he smiled so cutely and was like “Thanks!” excitedly and it made me so happy. I interacted with him again towards the end but then I see Dan finish up with Megan.

Dan is her favorite so she had been with him this whole time, and he’s like waiting to hug me so I immediately am like ohhhh my goodness, and he just goes “Oh hello babe!” and I wanted to faint. He called me babe. Like. He calls Kyle babe???? Not ugly idiots like me??? WTF. And he hugs me. And guys. He smells so lovely. They all do, to be fair. And his hugs, y’all. He cuddle hugs, like leans into you and puts his head into your shoulder (much like that tour video when he hugs Kyle after the white water rafting). It was like that. And I just hold on tightly and I was like, “I really love you.” cause I could not think of what to say, and this was the time I was closest to crying.

I was still shaking so hard, and I knew he could feel it. But he just says, in the softest, sweetest voice, “Awwwww, I love you too!” and I just almost fainted right then and there. And I remember him saying something else to the effect of “You alright?” or something when we let go and he could sense I was emotional I assume, and I just nodded and smiled really big and he smiled back SO BIG. His beautiful teethy smile. So then Woody and Dan are both looking at me still so I just blurt out “Oh by the way, look at my hat!” because I was wearing a maroon colored distressed NASA dad hat, with a flower headband wrapped around it that I fashioned onto it. (fun fact, my grandfather actually worked for NASA so I have a weird attachment to NASA much like they do). Woody just peeked up and looked, Dan smiled really big and looked at it (and I think he was about to say something) but Kyle apparently had looked over too and just goes “AHHH WICKED!! Cool flowers too!” and I wanted to DIE. Then my friend showed Dan the small triangles she made for us all and gave him one and said “These are glow in the dark, so we are gonna hold them up during the concert! Here is yours!” And he was like “Really?!” And he was so amazed. “This so cool! I’ll bring it out!” And by the way, he did, and it sat on Kyle’s keyboard the whole show. Any picture you see from Charlotte that shows the keyboard, that little triangle sitting on it was ours!!

So then they make us all cuddle in for the photo, so the order was Will, my friend’s friend, Kyle, me, Woody, Megan, and Dan. Here is one of the photographs we got (we got three but they are all pretty much the same):

So then we are all kinda encouraged to walk out for the last two people waiting, but before I walk away, I jog back to Kyle. Because I just had to. I hugged him so hard and said “I don’t want to leave you” and he hugged back so tightly after I said that, and then he laughs and goes, “Sorry love, but I kinda have a show to do…” and jokingly points behind him, like towards the stage and I couldn’t help but giggle. “I know, I know!” Then I did the most crazy and ballsy thing I have ever done. It is on my bucket list. I had to try. So I go, “Okay so I have a question, and you can totally say no if you want...” And he looked confused for a second and smiles, “Yeah, sure!” Then. I proceeded to ask KYLE SIMMONS. My ultimate crush. If I could touch his facial hair. I said something like, “I have just always wondered, I love it so much!” or something close to that.

I still cannot believe myself. He goes, “Uh, yeah sure!” and giggled like a little amused child. AGH. Then he immediately exposes his BEAUTIFUL jawline to me and sticks it out so I can pet it. Oh my lord. My heart in this moment. I could feel Will and Woody for sure looking at us, probably like what is even happening. I have no idea if Dan was looking, cause all I could see was my peripheral aside from looking into Kyle’s face. So I am like HOLDING the left side of his face at this point. I imagined grabbing the right side of his face so badly and just kissing him but obviously I wouldn’t ever do that to him. Hence why I asked him in the first place if I could even touch him, and told him he could say no. I would never want to make any of them genuinely uncomfortable!

So then I say, “Oh my gosh, it’s actually so coarse!” and then he gives me a look and goes “Oh really?!” in such a strong British accent and my heeeaaart, y’all. Agh. He looked so amused. Then he says, “Usually I’m told it’s soft!” And I reply, “It’s very gritty and manly, I love it!” and he smirks so freakin cutely and matter-of-factly and says “Heyyy, I LIKE that!!” He sounded so seductive and cheeky, my god. And I laughed and Will was giggling now. So then I go “By the way, I am in the pit on your side okay, so look for me, I’ll be waving and looking at you, singing really loudly!” And he was like “I gotcha.” in a silly voice and kinda gives like a half wink and then fist pounded me. Gah. And then I walked away because I was getting looks from the security people. And I see Megan and her friend waiting for me and looking at me like WAIT what was happening?! kinda look on their face. So I join them and we walk away down this hallway. We pause, look at each other, and just proceed to squeal and jump up and down and run down the stairs like idiots. So then we make our way outside, and get escorted back and we go back into the pit and I find our spot again with Reagan and those girls I had been talking to again and I properly freaked out to them. Like full on was yelling a bit. I felt bad cause Mondo Cozmo were on and I love them too, but I was too excited to not just let it all out.

Here is the Twitter thread I made directly after this all happened (it’s in all caps and very emotional lol) so if you’d like to read that as well, here’s the link: https://twitter.com/bastilleaud/status/861010333116370944. This was while we were waiting for Bastille to come out to perform.

So. They come out. And I am excited and freaking out all over again. After the first song, I yelled out, “HI I LOVE YOU KYLE!” like I did at the last show (in which he had last time looked for me when he heard it and I waved and he pointed me out and waved like a little child cutely). And then I stroked my imaginary beard to like, remind him of who I was, just in case. But this time he cracked up laughing and looked at me. Like, he knew it was gonna be me. Then he looks at Dan and they both start cracking up??!!!?!?!? And Dan kinda messes up singing the song at the beginning because he’s just LAUGHING. I can’t remember what song it was but I was freaking out...but I also felt super bad. (edit: there is video footage of it, and it was Laura Palmer) And I was wondering why he just looked at Dan and laughed, and I have a sneaking suspicion that it is because they talked about me before the show and they were laughing about me being crazy enough to ask to touch his facial hair…but obviously I don’t know for sure. But. Whoa.

The show was obviously going on amazingly as per usual, and then Dan starts his little explanation before Snakes about wanting to be distracted from the world, and the he says something to the effect of “This song is about wanting to have those distractions.” And after he says that, literally Kyle just points straight at me. Like. I was a distraction. And he smiles so big. I was just minding my own business and here he is, calling me out. Cheeky bastard.

So throughout the show, Kyle would spot me and smile. And Dan smiled at me. And I was freaking out. Will came over to our side for a second and winked, but he always does that LOL. So then Things We Lost In The Fire started, and my friend and I held up our triangles together, and then we overlapped them over each other like the WWCOMMS logo when Dan came over, and he pointed at them and smiled while he was singing, and pointed at us and gave us a thumbs up of approval. Agh. And also as last concert, I pointed straight at Kyle during Blame for the bridge at the “I got you, I got you” parts and he saw and smiled and scrunched his nose UGH it was adorable. The concert was just incredible in general, of course. There were a couple mic issues in some instances though, and Dan looked so annoyed at the sound people at one point. He was struggling through Bad Blood, I can remember that very clearly. Also side note, for people who asked me about this specifically, Dan came very close to us during Flaws, but I wasn’t close enough to touch him, nor did I want to try anyway. I was turned around looking at Kyle for part of that time blowing kisses at him again like I did last show, and he blew them back again. Eep.

So then. The song choice from Twitter. They were the exact same choices as the Fairfax show I went to. There, we heard Way Beyond. The other choices were Power and The Anchor. I love ALL of these songs so much, but The Anchor is such an important song to me. It spoke to me the moment I heard it. It perfectly describes how I feel about this band. If I had to pick a favorite off this album, which is close to IMPOSSIBLE, I would have to choose The Anchor not only because it’s a great song, but because of the deep meaning and lyrics that I connect to so much. I cry almost every time I hear it. And by the grace of ANOTHER god up above, The Anchor was chosen, even though Power had the same percentage of votes?! So weird. The song started and I immediately shuttered and almost started bawling. Megan just KNEW, and she held me. I recorded the whole song. I was so emotional. I was pointing and singing to Kyle almost the entire time too, and he saw me. And I just. I couldn’t feel more blessed and honored in this moment. Then the last little anecdote I will include is that the last song, obviously Pompeii, I held up my triangle as high as I could and Dan pointed at it, held his hand to his chest, nodded at me, and smiled as if to say “This is the perfect moment for that.”

Then the show ended. We waited outside the buses for them to come out for about an hour, but Dick came out and told us “I’m sorry to tell you, but they won’t be coming out tonight. 4/5 are already in bed. I was like, “Can you tuck them in for us?!” And he smiled and laughed and was like, “Absolutely, I will!” And he then proceeded to tell us about how they bought those giant stuffed animals at a gas station (the teddy and the frog we have been seeing) and that they love to cuddle them. And that they even have their own bunk, just the stuffed animals. LOL. Thank you for telling us that adorable yet totally unnecessary information, Dick. So we said that’s totally okay, we know they have to drive down to Florida tomorrow. Everyone waiting there was so good about it and Dick was like “Thank you all for being so understanding and nice about it!” and it was so cute. Aw. So then my friend and I head back to the hotel that we were staying in for the night because that was also part of the radio contest she won. It was a perfect end to a perfect (and INSANE) day!

I could obviously go on and on about the concert. But other than that, I am ending this novel of a post here. Thank you for reading, and thank you to my beautiful and incredible Twitter family and community for being so happy for me, so supportive, and in general such amazing people. The amount of “You deserve this so much!”s I got made me cry, and I cannot explain how much you lot mean to me. Whew. And a VERY special thanks to my amazing friend throughout the story, Megan, for opening up her home, family, and pets to me while in North Carolina. And for being such an incredible friend, ALWAYS. You mean the world to me, and you are responsible for this day. I can never repay what I owe you. I LOVE YOU.

THE END

#mine #bastille #bastilledan #dan smith #kyle simmons #chris woody wood #will farquarson #wild world #wild world tour #charlotte #my show

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deafinatlyafan · 7 years

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Aromantic is when you don’t experience romantic attraction (romantic attraction is "oh I'm so lovey dovey about you” although they can still date and have sex.) Asexual is when you don’t experience sexual attraction (sexual attraction is ”gosh dang it I need your body specifically.” They can still want sex, they just don’t experience their body saying that about a person) (I’m aro ace so idk what attractions are like so correct me if I’m wrong please-also SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME THIS I DON’T UNDERSTAND ATTRACTION.) Someone can be both asexual and aromatic (hello), but in this case, Logic is Aromantic and asexual while Morality is just Asexual.

there is no point to this fic, it’s basically just word vomit. it was just an outlet before I created You are loved (and this was how it was supost to be before some writers *glarings at @stary-puppy @analogically-prinxiety @sanders-sideblog and @prinxietyhell * encouraged me to make it agnsty.

thanks to @sanders-sideblog for the help! @starrykid @prinxietyhell @doctorwho @doctorshufflepuff @dan-yuna

puns taken from Tumblr posts (one from arodorable) I don’t remember who made most of them but they were on Tumblr when I saw them. trigger warnings: mentions of wanting kids and being told they cant because they’re asexual, they mentions of sex, but its not explicit

. .

“But you always talk about how much you love everybody! How could you not have had someone you’ve wanted sex with?” Prince asked him too shocked. Morality flinched. He had heard all sorts of stuff about this, “Impossible! That doesn't happen!” “Come on! A guy like you must have at least one action in your lifetime!” “Yeah right!” But it didn't make it any less uncomfortable to talk about. “You literally embody all of Thomas’s extreme emotions, how could you not have at least felt one tiny attraction??” Prince asked. Morality hesitated, not sure how to answer Princys questions. He always thought it was fake, or forgot it existed but he always found out that it was a real thing and it always confused him.

“I don’t know.” Morality said meekly, “m-maybe I just- I don’t know.” He didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Prince could sense this so he spoke up; “Don’t worry you’ll find your prince, princess or non-binary royalty someday!” Prince gave Morality a hug and walked away. Morality felt uncomfortable, he had never had that feeling towards anyone before and he didn’t think he ever will. Did people really have that feeling all the time? he wasn’t sure how to react. He decided to go to Logan, He needed someone who understood, and some company. Anxiety was sleeping-which was something he rarely did so he didn’t want to wake the emo side.

Walking to Logic’s room he thought about the conversation he had with Prince. He couldn’t remember a time when he had any sexual attraction, he always thought everyone was exaggerating or thought they were just pretending so they could relate to their older siblings. He always nodded along with the others when they talked about it since he didn’t want to be left behind, but it always felt weird to talk about “how hot someone was.” He always thought it meant beautiful until Logan corrected him (which was shocking to everyone, but he understood sexual terms very well-well, at least most of the terms.) Reaching Logic’s door, which was already open, he could see papers sprawled across the desk he sat at.

“Logan-” Morality spoke up.

“What is it now!” Logic snapped. Morality jumped back, biting his lips. He didn’t realize he had tears in his eyes until Logic turned to him and panicked.

“Oh crap-uh I don’t- how do I comfort-?” Logan stood up and walked to his crying friend, reaching an arm out to hug them awkwardly. Morality laughed at the awkward hug.

“I’m glad you find my pain funny.” Logan answered. Morality suddenly felt bad, but calmed down once he saw Logic was smiling.

Logan was glad he could cheer Morality up, but he had no idea what to do now. Morality was the one that was good at these things, or even Anxiety. Anxiety must be sleeping if Morality wasn’t going to them.

“Do you want to talk about it or?” Logan was hesitant to offer anything, but he read somewhere that you should let them speak and let them know you were open to listening. Morality sniffled wiping his nose on his wrist before answering; “Will I ever be loved?” Logan grabbed a tissue when he saw Morality wipe his nose, and was suddenly confused and shocked. Why would Morality even think that!? “What are you talking about? Thomas loves you, Anxiety and Prince loves you, I -”

“No, not that kind of love but- uh romantic love.” Morality was feeling childish and small right now. Logan was confused before he remembered there was a thing called romantic attraction.

“Oh.” Logan said.

“I’m sorry, but its just-everyone is bothering me about my asexuality ever since I said I haven’t felt that way towards someone, and everyone is freaking out about it. Anxiety asked me a couple questions, which to be honest was uncomfortable, but better than the other’s questions, but they all had some form of “you’re lying” or “but you said you wanted to have sex and then you don’t?” and stuff like that. I mean- it’s confusing enough they don’t have to add to it. It fine if they’re trying to understand-that I don’t mind, but when they keep pestering me about it it gets… annoying and … hurtful?” Morality didn’t know how to describe it.

“I get it. Not everybody knows I’m Aromantic, but I’ve had plenty of people ask me about crushes and make up delusions about how I’m lying or whatever it is. Truth is, they can’t understand and that sucks. All we can do is try to educate them on this matter and hope for the best.”

“How do you handle their questions?” Morality asked

“Well for one, I usually just answer them honestly and listen to what they have to say. Usually everyone thinks I’m an emotionless robot so they aren’t surprised, but sometimes, like Princey for example, he would get confused and pester me until he gives up.”

“That sounds awful!” Morality was shocked by how the others had reacted. He didn’t know that they had thought him to be an emotionless robot!

“It’s all good. It’s better than the “that doesn’t exist!” or “You’re just seeking attention”-which is ridiculous since they didn’t know I was aroace until they asked about crushes-but hey, I can’t understand how allosexuals think. Although, it’s always fun to think up a good comeback for when they say stuff like that again.”

“Yeah, it sucks.” Morality agreed.

“It does indeed, and when they find out you can have sex and feel honey they get confused or even offended. Like, sheesh, I don’t make the rules, it just happens but perhaps one day they’ll understand, or at least stop pestering us about it.” “It’s just-” Morality hesitated. He wanted talk about it but he wasn’t sure Logan would understand.

“What if I can’t find someone who respects my boundaries?” He asked. Logan frowned.

“Why do you ask?” Logan asked,

“Well,” Morality hesitated, “it’s just that, if everybody I talk to about it thinks I’m faking, there’s a high chance my partner is going to think I’m faking too. I just- what if I fall for someone and they don’t accept it? What if they want sex, but I don’t?” Morality felt uncomfortable. Normally he didn’t go to someone about his problems, but it was overwhelming him right now.

“Morality, being aromantic and all, I don’t experience this “falling I love” you’re referring to, but there are plenty of ways to fall in love. You could fall in love with the trees, the birds, the bees, whatever basically. You still have time. Even if you never end up wanting to do that with someone its okay. They will respect your boundaries. You deserve it. And if they don’t then, Thomas, Prince, Anxiety and I will Hunt them down and make sure that they are aware that we are not to be messed with.”

This made Morality crack a smile. Logan had a thought.

“Come on let’s lie down for a bit. I want to watch the constellation in my room change again.”

Morality beamed. At certain time of the day Logan’s room-well ceiling to be exact- would change colors and stars so that you could see the different constellations, and galaxies. Sometimes when morality was younger Logan would bring him in here and just try to explain the stories behind each of the constellation. Morality didn’t get it of course but he enjoyed the company and watching the stars change. It wasn’t in real time, but it was held from memories Logan had of seeing pictures or memorizing the star’s positions. Even though he could not name most of them; They were beautiful. They were lying on Logan’s bed, feet touching the ground, because they were laying on the sides of the bed, staring at the ceiling, just starting to talk about things allosexuals would say to them. How frustrating it was to not be understood. How upsetting it was when they thought people told them they were aro or ace because they were emotionless, or too emotional. They talked about how they felt and who they thought they would date or have sex with if they wanted. (Logic wasn’t interested in dating anyone but he would totally have sex the guy from biology, while Morality thought the smiling person in Thomas’s class the day before was adorable and someone he could see himself kissing one day.) Then Logan started talked about how confusing it was for him when he first noticed he was aromantic and asexual. “I don’t know I just-everyone was starting to feel things and at first I thought that they were just exaggerated for effect, but then, it just grew for you guys while I stayed the same? I’m not sure, I never understood the concept of love outside of friendship. I literally cannot see myself in love with anyone. I might love someone, but never in that way. Oh, and every time someone asked me if I had a crush I would have no idea how to answer because I’ve never had a crush! However, if I told them that they thought I was just faking so I was frustrated and confused. I did a lot of research and at first I thought I had some form of disorder where I couldn’t feel emotions, but I felt pain and everything else that people felt, just not-that one feeling.”

“that’s kind of how it felt for me, except it was just recently when I realized that sexual attraction was completely different from romantic attraction and it all just sudden made sense!”

they stared in silence for a second before Logan interrupted.

“I’m surprised.” Logic said.

“By what?” Morality asked “It’s been almost an hour and a half… and you haven’t made one pun about being asexual or aromatic.”

“Well I knew you would be more of a fighter than a lover if I did that!” morality gave him a cheeky grin. Logan stared at him, realizing something.

“…how long have you attempted these puns without me knowing?”

Morality pretended to look at his watch (his wrist was bare he had no watch)

“About an hour and a half, I believe.” Logan groaned.

“How come I never get your jokes?”

“They’re not very straight, just like us.”

“Huh? That makes no sense!” Logan turned his head to face his friend.

“Allosexuals make no sense!” Morality laughed. This time logan rolled his eyes and smiled at the joke.

“Very funny Morality.” “I have more.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “you’re as straight as an aro.”

“I don’t get it, I’m aro- oh I get it, but you go one thing wrong morality! I’m not straight!” Logan argued as Morality laughed. Moralitys laugher died down a bit. It went silent again until Morality sighed.

“I don’t know how to be a romantic at all. I need someone to teach me.”

“Hey, don’t ask me I’m aromantic, not a romantic.” Logan said. Morality sat confused until his eyes widened and he sat up. “Aww! You just made a dad joke!”

“It’s a play on words, but it’s my favorite.”

“Another one Logan! You’re on a roll!”

Logan sighed, he had only made two puns but he continued.

“What do you call a group of aromantic people sitting next to each other?” he paused before saying “a row.” Morality laughed and made a few more aro jokes that earned a smile from Logan. Now they were talking about people who said they couldn’t experience one attraction without the other.

“What about when people ask when you find someone cute?”

“I think animals are cute, but that doesn’t mean I want to date them.” Logan pointed out. Morality laughed. “I’m not sure why that made you laugh but anyways; asexual people can still experience romantic attraction and date or even have sex if they want; Aromantic people can experience sexual attraction and have sex or even want to date!” “Yeah but-I don’t know. It’s just… sometimes I do think I will want to have sex with my partner, but what if I end up not wanting to do that? What if I just want to… be with them without sex.” Morality didn't know what to say, it sounded like Logan had accepted his own Aro/Ace identity with no problem. Morality wasn't even sure if he was asexual. He was definitely not aromantic. None of this made sense to him.

“It’s okay if you don’t get it now. You’ll get it someday. Even then, you don’t need a label to allow yourself to feel however your feeling.”

Morality was tired of hearing that, but at the same time he knew it was true. Why couldn’t he just accept he didn’t know and move on?

“I know, but I’ve never experienced this sexual attraction feeling before and it bothers me so much. Do you ever wonder what its like?”

“Well to be honest, not often. I do wonder how it could be great, because from all the stories about loving this person but not their partner confuses me. Besides think of it this way, You’re not distracted so much by how attraction you have towards this one person-”

“Uh, maybe not but I will always worry that my partner will always want sex when I least want it and-and then I worry about mentioning how much I don’t want to try it or worry about how they will react to me not wanting it even when I want kids, or how much they’ll hate me after I tell them so I’ll have to-”

“Whoa Morality- is someone pressuring you?” Logan was confused and worried. Morality had too much emotions for one person sometimes and he needed a break from it all, but he had never seen Morality this upset. Maybe they’d have to wake up Anxiety for this after all.

“No no no no! I’m not even dating anyone yet! I’m just- I’ve heard so many different stories and I don’t know how to react, and if everyone around me acts like I’m some sort of werido about not wanting sex or experiencing the attraction, then how will they react if they were my partner?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not why they think you’re a weirdo, but just know this, You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable doing.”

“yeah, but it doesn’t feel like it sometimes.”

“if anyone pressures you to do something you’re uncomfortable with let me know and I will annihilate them with my secret weapon.” Logan joked. It was an inside joke they had since they were kids, but they rarely used it. Morality smiled a little, but it wasn’t a smile. He just smiled because Logan was trying to cheer him up though it wasn’t working. Logan knew if he had faked a smile while they were already talking about other struggles it meant either he didn’t want to talk about it, or he wasn’t ready to talk about it.

Logan thought for a minute before deciding to move so he was properly on his bed. Morality frowned and moved so that Logan’s feet wouldn’t meet Morality’s head, “Come here.” Logan said laying down on his bed with his head at the head rest. Morality looked very confused.

“I promise I wont do anything you don’t want me to, just come here for a second.”

Morality hesitated but went to the edge of the bed. Logan grabbed morality and pulled him towards the bed. Morality laid down besides him and snuggled up closer.

“Is this comfortable?” Logic asked.

“Yeah.”

“This is all some people want. For some people this is more pleasant than cake-” (morality gasped at that,) “I’m asexual too morality I know about the symbolism of cake, and how hurtful it is to consider something better than cake -” (logic rolled his eyes as he said that,) “-now shush, I’m trying to comfort you. Now look, in your entire life have you ever made anyone uncomfortable?”

“Well there was that one time when I wouldn’t stop annoying Anxiety about that time he-”

“I’m not talking about teasing them, I’m talking about make them so uncomfortable they don’t feel safe enough to be around you.” “well-no-but.” “why not?” “because that’s just wrong!”

“exactly! Your partner will know that this is wrong. If your partner really loves you, they will do anything they can to make you comfortable and feel secure. Yes they might tease you, and yes they might make you upset or angry, but as long as they don’t make you feel unsafe or insecure then you have nothing to worry about.” Morality snuggled up to Logic it was nice just talking to him, but it was better knowing that Logic was trying to comfort him.

“I just want to hear about the stars right now.”

Logan lit up and brought his attention to his ceiling.

“Sure! So you see that star right there? Yeah that star is called the Pistole star and is the most luminosities star that we know of! It is ten million times brighter than the sun isn’t that neat! Oh and when the stars are twinkling its because of just our wafting atmosphere…” Logic continued to pull out random facts about stars while Morality listened. It was nice just to be here with his friend. At least he wouldn’t have to worry about Logan leaving him.

#or did he?#IM KIDDING IM SORRY #I PROMISE THEY ARE OKAY #I'm not going to make you suffer after my last angst #brological #asexual morality #aromantic logan #asexual logan #aromantic logic #asexual logic #AHH #my fic

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yuurisnice · 7 years

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Unraveling

Title: Unraveling Summary: Dan knew he was different from other children very early on. He never lost his 'imaginary friends', they only became a more integral part of his life. Living with his illness is never easy and with a secret as large as his, cracks are bound to appear. While he isn't ashamed of his DID, he knows the consequences of telling the wrong people. Word Count: 21k Warnings: Smoking, mention of drug use, drinking, mentions of past trauma, anxiety

A/N: I’m really sorry to everyone on mobile because read mores don’t work and this is long af. This fic is my actual child and I’m so happy with how it turned out. So much time and research went into this fic. I wanted it to be as medically accurate as possible. I got the inspiration of this fic when I stumbled upon a youtuber named Jess who posts videos about her DID. She and all of her alters are amazing and I just want everyone to know their story and learn that DID isn’t scary like the media makes it out to be. Also huge shout out to @phansdick and @theinsanityplays for listening to me complain about my inability to do this topic justice and for giving me ideas when I was in a rut. And I can’t forget the amazing @moonlitdan for being a lovely beta. If there are any inaccuracies with this fic, please let me know so I can change them! That was a really long author’s note. Okay. Enjoy!

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Dan only remembered very brief moments in his life where he didn’t have alters. In fact, there’s only a handful of memories, enough that he could count them on one hand. As early as six he remembers playing with Evelyn, having her guide him through the nights. He didn’t know why, it happened or when it started, and he still could not access the reasons behind his disorder. All he knew was that his alters protected him and that was more than enough reasoning for him. It couldn't have been pleasant if his mind had to split into pieces in order to get through.

Evelyn was his best friend. She was there for him through thick and thin. At nights when the threat of the monster coming out from under the bed was strong, Evelyn would rock him to sleep. She would make sure that he went to bed at a reasonable time and woke up early enough to get ready for school. She kept him fed and clean, she helped him with his homework and made sure he paid attention in class. She would hold his hand as they crossed the street and if someone gave Dan what they used to call the ‘heebie jeebies’, Evelyn would take over until she could get Dan to safety.

Dan would insist on setting a place for Evelyn at the dinner table and for a short while his parents went along with it. After all, all children have imaginary friends until they grow up and make real friends. But time went on, Dan got older, and Evelyn stayed right by his side.

When Dan was eight, he started getting notices sent home about his ‘overactive imagination’. His parents and teachers would have conferences where seeing a specialist of childhood development was mentioned. Children were meant to lose their imaginary friends as they got older, but Dan’s relationship with Evelyn only seemed to strengthen.

Still, Dan’s parents didn’t want to admit there was a problem. They were content to live in a bubble where Dan would one day leave his ‘friend’ behind and go on to be a functioning member of society. This denial of the issues led to Kaleb.

For the remainder of his childhood into his teen years, Dan’s parents would make snide comments fully believing themselves to be constructive.

“Haven’t heard from Evelyn in a fair few days. She finally disappear or did she just take a mini vacation?’

“When are you going to grow up and drop this imaginary friend bullshit?”

“The two of you were inseparable, did you have a fight or something?”

“Honey, Dan’s just seeking attention. If we ignore this ‘Evelyn’ stuff, it will go away’.

Dan grew uncomfortable talking about Evelyn to the point where he just stopped mentioning her in front of people. Between the two of them, they decided that around people who knew Dan, Evelyn wouldn’t act like Evelyn, but she would do her best Dan Howell impression. People started to buy it and they lived comfortably for years.

It was when Dan was twelve that he discovered a new person in his head. He didn’t even know they existed for a fair few weeks.

Dan was getting in trouble more often than not, both at home and at school. Things would get broken that Dan didn’t remember breaking. Notes from teachers would go missing; notes that Dan didn’t even remember getting. He would come to in the middle of the night standing in the middle of his childhood park, stuck to find his way home and sneak into the house.

Every time his parents reprimanded him, he would say the same thing.

I don’t remember, it wasn’t me.

He started to turn his back on Evelyn, convinced that she was the one who was ruining his life. He’d spent his entire life trusting her with his body so why wouldn’t she take it for some joyrides? Afterall, Dan knew she had her own separate will so it wasn’t an impossible theory.

Three long weeks he spent ignoring Evelyn, starting to believe his parents when they said that if he ignored the problem it would go away. That perhaps there wasn’t even a problem to begin with. Perhaps it was just in his head.

This operation clearly didn’t work out too well and it all came to a head when he got home from school one day.

“Dan. Who is Kaleb?” Dan’s mother asked with a bite in her tone. Her hands were on her hips while his father sat quietly in a nearby rocking chair.

Dan, who had never once heard that name before in his life tried to wrack his brain. Was Kaleb another kid at his school? Did something happen to this Kaleb that he should be made aware of? What did this Kaleb do and why did it anger his parents so?

“I don’t know. Who’s Kaleb?” Dan asked, trying to work together an incomplete puzzle.

His parents didn’t answer. Instead his mother shoved a note into his hands and stormed off into the kitchen where loud clanking of dishes could be heard.

“Just go to your room, son. I think your mother and I need some time to process. We’ll be in shortly.” His dad didn’t move from his seat, still hadn’t looked at Dan since he came home, so Dan simply did as he was told.

With a slump of his upper body, Dan dragged himself upstairs, down the hall and into his room. Inside was a mix of things that most people wouldn’t think went together. There were black sheets and covers. The walls were a dark brown with little stick-on flower petals on every wall. There were baby dolls left over from his younger days and his childhood bear he slept with every night. His legos were in a box in the corner and he had a tv with a basic gaming console attached.

Dan dropped his bag onto his messy desk, Evelyn had refused to straighten up until Dan apologized, and headed straight for his bed. He had been hoping for a nap after the stressful day he’d had at school but his mind was now preoccupied with the note held between his hands. As he got comfortable on the bed he unfolded the paper and started to read.

Dear Mr and Mrs. Howell,

It has come to my attention that Daniel has been having far more outbursts than normal. He is unusually chaotic and distracting to his fellow students. He will refuse to do his work and insist on being called ‘Kaleb’. At first we believed it to be just another phase but after consulting with the school psychologist we no longer believe this to be normal pre-teen behaviour.

While we cannot force you to seek outside assistance for your child, we will need to set up a meeting to see what can be done about this disruptive behaviour. If it continues on at its current pace, we will be forced to take action and move Daniel to a class better suited to his needs.

Please call at your earliest convenience to set up an appointment with the school psychologist and Daniel’s guidance counselor. I will also be in attendance as well as Daniel’s teacher.

I do hope we can find a solution to this that will be beneficial to everyone.

Sincerely,

Principal Edwin Macafee

Dan read over the letter several times, trying to get a grasp on what the contents really were saying. He got his answer on what his parents were referring to when they mentioned Kaleb, but it wasn’t another student, it was him.

Without noticing, Dan started crying. It wasn’t a normal cry, but a full on sob. He couldn’t remember. He didn’t know that he had been doing so poorly. He was a good student, a good person. Evelyn made sure of that but for once, even Evelyn couldn’t protect him.

For the longest time after that meltdown, Dan’s parents still stayed in denial. It wasn’t until he was fifteen that they agreed it was time to seek outside help.

Dan had started to lose more and more time, not able to recollect entire conversations, classes, even people. It got to the point where Dan wasn’t Dan for days at a time. His alters would step forward more often than not, letting Dan retreat into a safe place in his mind.

He was taken to his normal doctor who recommended a therapist to him. After two months on the waiting list, he finally got an appointment.

Dr. Kayla Longburg was a middle aged woman who specialized in childhood depression and anxiety. Throughout the first couple of sessions she had diagnosed Dan with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He didn’t agree with the diagnosis, but having a name to his experiences was enough for him to go along with it.

He saw Dr. Longburg once a week, every thursday afternoon for two years. Somewhere along the way he was put on medicine to help ease his symptoms, but they didn’t help. He still lost time. There were still days where he wasn’t Dan. He still had Evelyn help him to sleep at night and Kaleb was still a little shit to everyone he met.

It wasn’t until Evelyn came out during a session that things started to change.

Before that time, Dan’s alters stayed hidden. Kaleb insisted that it was best to hide them away, act as though they weren’t as big in his lives as they were. Even Evelyn, who was generally the level headed one, was concerned that if anyone knew there were others living within Dan, the doctors and Dan’s parents would do everything in their power to ‘kill’ the alters.

During one session, Dr. Longburg was trying to get Dan to speak about his early childhood. She believed getting to the root of his issues would solve them. To speak about the trauma would bring light to his illness and perhaps start to believe them. Instead, with each insistence that Dan could remember if he tried hard enough, panic built up.

Dan knew he was going to switch before it happened. He got light headed and felt as though all of the energy was drained from his body. It felt like he was fighting against himself just to stay alive, and in some ways he was. As the panic built, the headache grew and Dan didn’t want to fight anymore. His eyes glazed over and he felt himself falling into his inner world.

Evelyn stepped out and this was the first time that Dan could see and hear what Evelyn could. The doctor caught on to the change in Dan’s body language, no longer hunched over himself but instead sat up straight as an arrow. His hands uncurled themselves and sat calmly in his lap.

“Dan does not remember and Dan does not remember for good reason. Stop prying. It’s hard to protect him when you’re making him think about the very thing that caused this.” Evelyn’s voice was strong, there was not a single stutter or hesitation and the words rang proudly through Dan’s ears. It was okay because Evelyn was here.

“Dan there’s no need to talk in third person.” The doctor replied after a moment of composure. It was evident that she was shocked by the outburst. In the entire two years she’d been with Dan, she’d never once seen him act this way.

“I’m not Dan. Why can’t anyone get that through their heads? Dan is not here. You forced him to retreat. You forced me to come out. You hurt him and that hurts me.” Evelyn stood her ground, giving up the very information the system swore to keep labeled top secret.

“If you are not Dan,” The Doctor started slowly, stopping herself mid sentence to jot a million things down on the notepad laid in her lap. “If you are not Dan then to whom do I have the pleasure of speaking?”

“I’m Evelyn and the pleasure is all yours.”

It took a few more sessions before Dan was officially diagnosed with DID, or Dissociative Identity disorder. His therapist brought it up a few sessions after the Evelyn outburst and suddenly things clicked for Dan. While it was a thrilling and relieving moment learning about what DID was and connecting the dots between the disorder and his own life, it was a short lived victory. Dan’s therapist decided that what would be best for Dan was moving on to a more qualified therapist, one who understood DID and could teach Dan how to work with his diagnosis.

While he wasn’t the biggest fan of Dr. Longburg, he had grown accustomed to seeing her. She was abandoning him. He was no longer good enough for her to treat.

While that day was one of his happiest, it was also the first and only time Dr. Longburg would see Kaleb, who did not take the news lightly.

Dan transitioned, but unlike what happened with Evelyn, he had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He could only fill in by what his therapist and his parents told him.

His parents had to be called in, Dan’s father doing his best to restrain Kaleb in an attempt to calm him down. He kicked and screamed and tried his best to run away from the situation, but no one would let him.

After Kaleb calmed down enough for everyone to talk, Dr. Longburg calmly explained what was the cause of the outburst, what a transition was and what the game plan would be from there on out. They were reassured that what Dan had was a real disorder and that this was not to be mistaken as childhood imagination.

His new therapist wasn’t as nice as Dr. Longburg, but he was much more well versed in the issues Dan faced. Unlike his old sessions, his new ones were not based around recollecting his past trauma. Instead, he learned about his illness, why it occurred, how it works, and how it helps him.

For the first time in Dan’s life, he didn’t feel crazy when he talked about his alters. He didn’t feel like they were a dirty secret to hide. He described each in detail and Dr. Patterson compiled a list of their duties and personalities. They were able to pinpoint the reasons why each alter came out and Dan could begin to see a theme. By getting to know his alters and their roles, he could foresee a transition far sooner than he used to.

Evelyn was the protector. She grew up alongside him, aging at the same rate as Dan. Any time Dan felt threatened by his environment, she would take over to protect the system from any harm. She was kind and outgoing. She knew how to soothe any ailments and how to make sure the system kept moving. She made sure the alters got along as well as they could, and Dan kept the body healthy.

Kaleb was the persecutor of the system and even though for most of the time Dan knew Kaleb he did not like him, he started to come around and see his strengths rather than the flaws. Kaleb was brash and outspoken. He loved to party and could smoke up to a pack a day. He was flirtatious and possibly had a mild obsession with sex. Kaleb was diagnosed with Depression while Dan had not been.

On top of learning about his alters and their purposes, he learned that keeping a set schedule and allowing each alter to have their time with the body was key to living as normal a life as he could. An entire month of sessions was dedicated to the co-consciousness Dan would sometimes experience and how he could use these moments to find out his alters’ hopes and dreams.

Collectively, with the aid of Dr. Petterson, Dan and his alters formed a halfway decent schedule that made time for each person.They would have a bedtime of 1am and wake up at 9am. Evelyn would be able to come out in the mornings, taking care of Dan’s medications and keeping order throughout the system. Kaleb could have a few nights to go out, getting a chance to be the social butterfly he was and blow off some steam in less destructive ways than before. And Dan was left to be Dan the rest of the time.

He started to keep a journal to help piece together the times he was in his head. The alters came up with a note leaving system as well. There was a white board hung in his room with different coloured magnets attached. Each colour was assigned to a different alter, black was Dan, blue was Kaleb and orange was Evelyn. They would leave notes to each other, filling them in on their responsibilities of the day and little tidbits to fill in the gaps. He wasn’t usually able to recall the times when his alters were out, but by asking those around him and making a detailed collection of the notes passed between, he was able to keep a level head.

Together the system found a way to work and it worked a long while until Max came along.

The day Dan turned twenty, Max made his debut. Dan decided on his twentieth birthday not to continue with his higher education. He reached a breaking point with the stress the workload put on not only him, but the rest of the alters.

Kaleb had never been a huge fan of education, if his first few months taking over Dan’s body was any indication. On nights when Dan had exams worth most of his grade to revise for, Kaleb would take the body and get close to blackout drunk. Dan would wake up in some random person's bed with a killer hangover. He was left to deal with the missed exam.

Evelyn also wasn’t taking kindly to University. Even though she was the most organized of the bunch, Dan relied on her more often than not to make it through the school week. The pressure got to her and it got to the point where even she didn’t want to get out of bed.

So on his birthday, after downing an entire bottle of wine, Dan sent in his resignation to the University. After hitting send, Dan floated away.

He woke up on a swing in the playground of his University's child development center. There was a man from campus security standing before him, demanding that he leave at once. Dan slowly stood up on his feet and the man followed alongside him as they walked out of the park.

“I just need a few more things to put in the report before I can let you go.” The officer said, taking out a pad of paper and jotting down a few things. “You said your name is Max and you just wanted to ‘play’. You also told me you were nine years old but we all know that’s a load of bullshit.”

The name Max pulled Dan from his daze and sobered him up. He’d never heard the name Max before, but with his track record, it wasn’t impossible.

After giving the man the correct information and doing his best to explain the situation, he was left to walk back to his flat on his own. He spent the rest of that night trying to figure out who Max was and why his brain felt the need to split for a third time.

Dan moved home shortly after his new alter made his appearance. Through the help of his parents’ insight and his therapist’s aid, he learned that Max was a child alter, a mere age of nine. He was a trauma-free alter, a way for Dan to let go of the stress in his life. He loved trains and days out at the park, and colouring books could occupy him for hours on end.

Back in his old room, he made a corner to put Max’s things in. There was a craft table and a growing collection of matchbox cars. Whenever his mum would go out shopping, she would almost always come home with some kind of toy for Max. She had taken an odd liking to the boy, taking care of him and keeping him safe at all times.

For a year Dan stayed at home, relearning how to handle having three alters living inside him. The schedule they had all grown fond of had to be changed and rearranged to fit Max’s needs in.

When Dan was 21, he felt like he had enough control over his life and his routine that he could make the jump out of his parents home and into his own flat. Sure, he’d lived on his own before, but that was just University housing and it hadn’t afforded his alters the freedom they deserved as well.

His biggest deterrent against moving out wasn’t the act of living on his own, but finding a job.

Although illegal to deny or fire someone for a mental illness, it wasn’t unlikely that it would happen. Dan had read plenty of stories of people who tried to be honest with employers and found themselves unemployed not a short time after. Or there was simply too many times where a person called off due to the dissociation, and they were fired.

After telling his parents that he wanted to be on his own, and after hours of reassuring his mother that he had things under control, they all kept an eye out for any possible job openings around.

His father, a set designer for a local tv network, had heard about an opening for an editing position in a publishing company that was frequently in touch with the network. At first, Dan didn’t think he had a shot considering he didn’t finish University and he didn't go for an English degree while he was there. Still, his parents insisted that he apply since the worst that would happen was a ‘no’, while the best outcome was a new job.

He found himself traveling north for an interview with the main branch in Manchester. His mum wanted to go with, but he declined her offer, feeling as though it would make him more nervous if his mother was waiting outside the building.

He went in with very low expectations, better to assume the worst than to hope for the best, but to his delight, he found the potential boss to actually like him.

The woman’s name was Cynthia Moss, department head of the third floor that dealt with editing and marketing. They got along well, Dan nailing every question she threw at him and even making her laugh a few times. He didn’t stumble or overthink until she asked why he decided to drop out of University.

With a deep breath, he explained.

While Dan knew the risks of being upfront with the employer about his life, and there was no legal reason for him to have to disclose it, it felt more comfortable telling his job to ensure he was getting the best possible accommodations that he needed. Not to mention he didn’t want to work for a company that didn’t value him as an employee just because he had a disadvantage.

He didn’t go into too much detail, choosing not to disclose what his illness was, but explained how he had it mostly under control save for the few days when unexpected occurrences arose.

He grit his teeth, fearing that the interview would come to a halt then and there, ready to give one last handshake and take his leave, but Cynthia didn’t even bat an eyelash.

No. She went on to explain how his salary would be significantly lower than if he had a degree and also told him that if hired, the company would help him to finish his schooling at whatever pace he wanted to take it at, if he so desired.

When he walked out of the building and rung his mother, he never thought he’d be able to hear the happiness in her voice when he told her he had a second interview the next day with the department head and her boss.

A few months later, he was moving to Manchester. His editing job afforded him a two bedroom flat with which him and his alters could live comfortably. It took an entire weekend and a small truck to take everything he’d stockpiled over the years, but at the end he had a place to call his own.

Many people would come to ask why Dan rented a two bedroom flat when he was the only one living there, but he still didn’t understand how to explain that just because there was one body doesn’t mean there wasn’t 4 people collecting and storing stuff.

Dan opted for the smaller of the two rooms, instead choosing to put a curtain up in the middle of the bigger room, deeming one half Evelyn’s side and one half Kalebs. There they could store their own wardrobes, books, stuffed animals, movies, ect. Having their own separate space was important to each alter and, in turn, the system. While Dan’s room was a simple black and grey colour scheme with little toys and mementos scattered about, his alters were completely different from his personal taste.

Evelyns side was decked out in pretty flowers on the windowsill and posters of boy bands covering every square inch of the walls. Two large bookcases were overflowing next to a quiet little book nook area that was once the closet. There was plenty of lighting, several lamps and fairy lights making the space appear bright and open. An ipod was attached to a small speaker, allowing for music to softly play without being too overbearing on the ambiance.

Kaleb’s side was darker, as dark as it could be with a simple black out curtain separating him from Evelyn’s light. Heavy metal band posters were strung up haphazardly, and an impressive stereo system complete with a turntable was the staple piece of the room. Records and cd’s were scattered about, a bookshelf left nearly empty where they should be contained. An ashtray sat on the windowsill of his side because even though he knew there was no smoking allowed in the flat and Evelyn would yell at him nearly every time, Kaleb would be damned if he was taking the elevator down 17 flights just to have a quick smoke.

Because Max was a relatively new alter, Dan set up a playroom of sorts in the lounge rather than splitting the spare room into threes. Where a dining room table should go stood a complex toy train rail system. The rug on the floor, rather than a boring shade of black was one with roadways and buildings drawn on, the perfect area to play with matchbox cars. An end table was filled with arts and crafts supplies, colouring books and markers, paints, beads, glue, popsicle sticks, you name it. And tucked away in the corner was a small bookshelf filled with space magazines and education workbooks.

The four of them managed to make a life together. Learning how to make time for most of everyone’s needs and prioritizing Dan’s job above most else. As Evelyn would put it, if Dan isn’t able to go to work, no one in the system would be able to afford the life that allows each to have pieces of their inner world. Max didn’t want to starve to death, Kaleb didn’t want to imagine not being able to afford his alcohol, Evelyn didn’t want to attempt to deal with finances that had no incoming paychecks and Dan, Dan just wanted some semblance of independence. They made it work. Things were going just fine until one day, when Dan met someone who would eventually become very special to him.

Dan had spent most of his life believing his disorder would force him to spend his life alone. He didn’t talk to many people outside of his family and the few coworkers he liked. He didn’t know how to make friends as well as Evelyn or Kaleb seemed to. He kept to himself and played it off like that was how he liked it. How could he be lonely with 3 other people sharing his head? Really he’d just never found anyone he thought he could trust not to walk out with his secret in tow.

It had seemed like just another day. Dan sat at his desk reading over an outline for a new potential novel. He found himself reading the words without really reading, so in an attempt to give his mind a quick break, he happened to glanced up. Just at that moment, a man in a navy blue button down and striped tie walked past, headed towards the elevators. Dan was transfixed as he’d never seen the man before in the office. As much as he wanted to look away before the man could lock eyes with him, he could hear Kaleb pestering in his ear ‘just like two more seconds, just let me look for two more seconds’.

Those two seconds were worth it when the two men finally locked eyes. Dan could see piercing blue eyes, slightly drowned out by the uncomplimentary colour of the shirt, but the strands of black hair grazing the man’s forehead still allowed them to pop. Dan realized he had been caught staring, and in response, a deep blush crept across his cheeks. The elevator doors opened and the man stepped inside alongside the boss of the fourth floor. Just before the door closed and Dan retreated back to the safe haven of his computer screen, the man gave a soft smile to Dan which sent tingles through his entire body.

Dan didn’t see the man again at work for several days. He attempted to tell himself that he wasn’t actively looking, but Evelyn wasn’t afraid to call him out on his bullshit. Dan asked around to the few people he was semi-friendly with, attempting to learn anything about the man he saw for all of thirty seconds. No one could lend him any leads until the man suddenly reappeared on the floor one random day. Dan tried his best to appear nonchalant with his stares, but he wasn’t the most graceful man in the world.

Dan watched closely as the blue eyed babe walked over to one of his coworker’s computers and started to mess around with some software. In that moment, it was like every piece had placed together. The man took the elevator up to the top floor which held the IT department, which would explain why the department head was accompanying him. Most likely getting a tour of his new job and was just seeing where he would be working.

After that revelation, Dan tried to ‘break’ his computer quite regularly. He did stupid things like hide the taskbar or ‘delete’ the internet (aka move the chrome icon on the desktop into the trash bin). Everything he did was a simple fix, something his desk neighbour could just pop on and fix in a matter of seconds, not without reminding Dan that he should really learn better computer skills if he was to make his living with one. It got to the point where the alters were itching to come out just to nudge Dan into the man’s direction. While none of them particularly felt the way Dan did about this man, they could clearly see (or hear) how much Dan needed companionship.

This led to Kaleb, who never wanted to make an appearance at work simply because he hated the idea of working, to step forward and take the reigns. He walked into the break room to fill up Dan’s coffee mug, ignoring the few people who said hello to Dan along the way. He made his way back to Dan’s desk, but instead of sitting down, he pretended to trip over his own feet, something Dan would believably do, dropping the coffee all over the desk and consequently the computer.

Kaleb smiled at his work and retreated back to his inner world. Dan’s eyes glazed over and he swayed back and forth before finally coming to and looking at the mess before him. A string of curse words left his mouth, looking around in desperation for anything to mop up the spill with. The two people closest to him lept up from their seats and ran to the break room to grab some napkins. It was as Dan was doing his best to wipe up the spill that the computer screen turned a bright blue. He was fucked.

Someone else on the floor called IT and within minutes the dark haired man was on his knees, leaning under the desk to get a better look at the damage.

“I really don’t know what went wrong. I just. I’m such a clutz, I guess. I stumbled and just fell and, shit, I really can’t afford to replace this machine jesus fucking christ.” Dan started shaking, trying his best to calm down his breathing. He knew that when he started to feel panic, Evelyn would take over and that was really the last thing he wanted. Not when the man was finally in front of him.

“It’s fine. I doubt they’d make you pay for it. I’m pretty sure they’ve got insurance and stuff to cover small accidents like these. And if they don’t, just say there was something on the floor that you tripped on.” After fiddling with the wires, unplugging the computer, and waiting for it to boot back up, the man stood up and sat down in Dan’s desk chair. He spun around so that he could face Dan, and suddenly Dan’s nerves were slightly calmed, just by the man’s eyes.

“As someone who works in the IT department and has seen the feed from those security cameras, they wouldn’t know the difference.” The man seemed to catch himself on his words, taking a moment as if to consider changing the direction in which his ideas were flowing out. He pointed up to the nearest camera, shifting the gaze to the object instead. “That one is the only one near your desk and it doesn't have your desk in view. They couldn’t catch you in the lie.”

Dan had to admit that the knowledge made him feel somewhat safer, but he was never one to get away with a lie save for the lies due to his DID. The guilt would always eat away at him until Kaleb came out to tell the harsh truth. It made for a shitty time in secondary school when his parents would ask where he’d been all night and three days later he was grounded because ‘someone’ told that Dan had been at a party rather than studying late.

“While that seems tempting, I think I’d rather just pay for it. Keep a clean conscious and all.” A blush crept onto Dan’s cheeks knowing that he seemed a tad bit like an innocent child rather than an adult. Or perhaps too adult, like a stuck up adult who thought he was better for not being able to lie.

“Good choice. I don’t think I could do it myself.” The computer started making a whirring noise, catching the man’s attention away from Dan. He spun around and started to fiddle around with the machine. Dan tried to focus on the clacking on the keyboard rather than the demons in his mind. He needed to stay present.

The man messed around with the computer for at least ten minutes, Dan sitting idly by and hoping that he at least remembered to save the last of his work before his dissociation. He didn’t need to be reamed out for breaking a computer and missing a deadline.

“So I think the thing is pretty much fried.” Phil glanced over his shoulder to take a better look at Dan, subtly looking him up and down before continuing on. “If you wanna help me take it upstairs so I can see if there’s a way to fix it, I can loan you out a laptop in the meantime.”

The man started to unplug and disconnect the computer, glancing at Dan in an attempt to get some assistance. Together they managed to dismantle the computer and begin to carry it towards the elevators, Phil holding the tower and Dan with the screen and wires. It was a silent walk, but Dan’s mind was starting to go off the wire. He didn’t usually tend to have co-consciousness with this alters but this was unfortunately one of the moments the entire system decided they needed to speak.

“Dan don’t just stand there! At least ask his name or something. You’ve been trying to get this guys attention for weeks; just ask!” Evelyn's voice grated through the air followed by Kaleb who so graciously said, “Man even I’m excited about the prospect of this guy. Have you seen the man’s bulge? He’s gotta be packin and I haven’t gotten laid in weeks.”

Evelyn covered Max’s ears, reprimanding Kaleb for his brashness around the child. Max’s take on the situation was far more innocent.

“He’s gottsa panda pin, Danny! He’s gottsa panda pin! They’re my favourite ooh, do you think he likes trains? I wonder if he’d play trains with me like Evelyn does!”

All of the alters continued to talk at the same time, trying and failing to get their thoughts across and heard. Dan started to get a headache from all of the commotion and when the elevator opened, Dan quickly walked inside and instantly leaned against the cool metal wall. He tried to play it off like he was tired from carrying the nearly weightless computer screen, but his eyes scrunched up tight and his face began to lose its colour. It wasn’t long before the man happened to take notice.

“Hey. Hey man, are you okay?” Dan could only make out the soundwaves and couldn’t really grasp onto the words that were being thrown his way. The man sat the tower down on the ground and stood in front of Phil, starting to take the things from Dan’s hands. “Do you need to sit down or something? Not to sound harsh but you don’t look so good.”

The alters continued to talk, Kaleb and Evelyn now taking to fighting with each other over the content of Kaleb’s thoughts. Max was starting to cry, hating to see the closest thing he had to parents fighting. It became too much for Dan to handle and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. He registered that he started leaning forward into the man and the last thing he heard before leaving the conscious world was, “Hey, it’s Phil. Can you hear me? Focus on my voice. Stay with me okay? I got you.” Everything went dark with the name Phil ringing throughout his head.

Dan didn’t really know how to explain the times when he wasn’t in control. His mind felt like it was trapped in an unlocked house. It was like he could escape if he wanted to but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t come up with the energy to do so. Sometimes the house had fun things to do like a computer or some books. Lately it had a tv where he could see what appeared to be recaps of the life his alters were living while Dan was gone, even then his time away felt like a distant memory that rings a bell but doesn’t open up any doors of insight.

Dan relied on context clues and others’ stories to help piece together what happened in the time he was away. His mum used to keep a journal of the things Dan’s alters did and said to see if it would help jog Dan’s memory later. It never helped, but it did fill in Dan’s planner, used to keep track of lost time. Dan was used to waking up in strange places, lying next to strange people he wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole. Once he even woke up in a completely different country. But by far the weirdest place he ever came to was a coffee shop with Phil walking towards him.

He glanced around, trying to find out anything about where he was, why he was there and how he got there. A look outside showed that it was bright out, meaning it had to have been around midday. The coffee shop was full of people, much more than would be there midday on a weekday. He frantically padded down his pockets trying to find where his phone was, but it wasn’t anywhere to be found. He hoped an alter just forgot to take it with and didn’t leave it behind somewhere.

“Are you okay?” Phil, who was holding two cups in his hands, put a coffee down and pushed it across the table to Dan. His eyes were crinkled slightly in confusion but a huge smile was plastered on his face nonetheless. He wasn’t dressed in his normal business casual attire that was required at the office. Instead he had on a fox jumper and glasses that framed his face.

Dan looked back and forth between Phil and the coffee before tentatively bringing it up to his lips. He took one sip and wanted nothing more than to spit it back out. There was far too much cream in it. It was sickeningly sweet instead of harsh with a hint of sugar. It was Evelyn’s go-to pick and already he could begin to understand what he was doing here.

Even if he tried his best to pretend that he loved the drink Phil handed him, the aftertaste left in his mouth was just a little too much to keep the look of disgust off of his face. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for the drop in Phil’s happy expression, choosing to take another sip and overdramatize his love of it.

“I can tell you don’t like it. I told them exactly what you said. Half cream and 4 sugars. Is it not sweet enough?” Dan started to laugh at Phil’s joke until he realized that it wasn’t a joke at all. He was actually concerned that the baristas didn’t put enough overkill sugar in his drink. Phil was already halfway out of his chair, gently reaching across to take the drink if need be.

“Oh no, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Dan gave a small smile, really not wanting to burden Phil with any extra tasks. Not to mention, if he gave a completely different order to the one he held in his hands, Phil could get suspicious. “I don’t think it’s the drink. Maybe my body just isn’t feeling the sugar like I thought it would. It’s okay, though. It’s still good.” To highlight his point he took another sip, making sure to think pleasing thoughts as he did.

“If you say so, but I really don’t mind getting you what you want. There’s no use in drinking something you don’t like.” Phil sat back down in the chair and finally took a sip of his own coffee. Dan wanted to ask what Phil had ordered, wanted to know how he took his coffee, but didn’t, for fear that him and Evelyn already discussed that.

They sat in silence for a while, just calmingly taking sips of their drinks every so often. Dan was looking around, still trying to piece together the fragments of time, and Phil just kept his eyes trained on Dan. It was like he was trying to figure out a puzzle himself, and Dan didn’t want that. Phil was looking at him as if something was different in the air, suspicious already, so Dan put a stop to that as soon as he could.

“What day is it? I keep thinking it’s Thursday.” Dan broke the silence, trying to seem as though he just casually forgot the day rather than forgetting his existence for a short while. And it was true. The last Dan remembered it was a thursday afternoon and he was waiting on an elevator.

“It’s Sunday. I’d of thought you’d know that, considering you made sure we made plans after you went to church.” A soft chuckle escaped from Phil’s lips, but it was light and airy. No sign of hostility that Dan was looking for.

Church meant Evelyn had taken Max to sunday school. Usually Dan would wake up early on Sundays and walk to the church a few blocks from his flat. While all of the older alters and Dan considered themselves on some scale of agnostic, Max was a big believer in faith. Dan liked to think it was the remnants of the few memories he had of his grandmother taking him to church and then out for ice cream when he was younger.

“Oh yeah. Days seem to run together sometimes, you know. You ever have that, where you can’t remember if what you did that morning was really that morning?” Dan laughed off his explanation, knowing that was a thing that happened to all people, not just those with a mental illness. Phil had to have experienced that at least once in his life and it should be enough to keep him off Dan’s tracks for a little while.

“Yeah. I get what you mean. I actually got fired once because I didn’t show up to work. I still swear to this day that it was a Saturday but apparently doing a no call no show on the busiest friday morning is a huge no no.” Phil’s voice was soft and reminiscent. It was nice. Dan didn’t get to do that typically without an alter stepping forward. Many of the memories he had just weren’t his to have. “You don’t strike me as a church person. I never would have guessed that from the way you were talking last night about how the point of life is to have fun and not live in fear of the unknown.”

Dan’s body became rigid, stopping mid sip to take in the information. This wasn’t the first time him and Phil were seeing each other outside of work. How many other times had there been? Had it really only been three days or was it a week since he’d been out last? His longest streak was two and a half weeks, so it’s entirely possible. He tried to rack his brain for any ideas on what they could have done yesterday, but nothing came to mind and for once in his life, his mind was seemingly all to himself.

“Oh uh. Yeah I’m not too big on it, I guess. I like to go just to have a kind of routine? I used to go when I was younger and it’s just kinda stuck, in a way.” The excuse fell flat, not nearly as convincing as his earlier story, but he didn’t have much time to prepare one. He didn’t want Phil to think he was something he wasn’t, but any way he spun, it was a lie. Max may not be him, but it was still a part of him. A part of him Phil couldn’t know about.

“I get that, in a way. Like a habit you just can’t quite break. Can’t say I understand exactly why you picked church to be that habit, but I guess.” Phil’s eyes looked off to the side, trying to find the same meaning that Dan found, but in his own life. He must have come up short because the conversation was dropped.

They continued like that for a hour or so. Going back and forth with easy conversation, Dan making sure to steer clear of things he knew Evelyn or Kaleb would have talked about if they were there. There was only so many times a person could use the excuse that they had forgotten an entire conversation that just happened not even twenty four hours ago.

Even so, there were topics Dan took risks on. He wanted to know who Phil was, and in order to find out, he needed to ask. He asked about Phil’s upbringing and his home. Where he went to school and what his degree was in. How old Phil even was and if he had any siblings. Did he live alone and did he live nearby? He took the risk and asked the pressing questions he was dying to know, and it seemed that his alters left him the getting to know you questions. After all, knowing Phil was more important to Dan than anyone else in the system, so it was only fair he got to know that information first hand.

Dan learned that Phil was 28. He grew up not far outside of Manchester and he had one older brother named Martyn. His parents were lovely people who used to pester Phil about what he was doing with his life, so Phil made it his mission to move out as soon as he was finished with University.

Unlike Dan, who was a college dropout, Phil had three degrees. He couldn’t make up his mind on what he wanted to study, so he just kept going back for new things. He had an english degree and was only a few classes short of being able to get his teaching license. After he finished school, he went back for post production, hoping to maybe get a job with some big movie studio. When that dream came to a staggering halt, Phil went back to school for a third and final time to get a degree in something akin to computer science, but less complicated.

As Phil talked about himself, Dan felt like the dirt under Phil’s shoe in comparison. But it wasn’t a normal feeling like scum he typically had. He wasn’t jealous or envious of Phil’s life. In a weird way, he was proud. If anyone deserved to be happy and successful, it was Phil. Dan was lucky to just be a blip on the man’s radar.

For once in his life, Dan felt pleasantly normal. To any outsider, Dan and Phil looked like two friends who were just hanging out. They were having normal conversations about normal topics and his mind was just his normal thoughts. As much as he wanted to be ‘normal’, he couldn’t help but be thankful that he had his alters. If they weren’t there to watch out for him, who knows if he would have even that time with Phil.

After that pleasant coffee outing, Dan found himself hanging out with Phil more often than not. For the first few weeks, he was terrified of asking Phil to go anywhere or do anything, choosing to have Phil or Evelyn make the first move.

They would go shopping together, a movie here or there, Phil would show Dan all the best tourist spots since he’d grown up in the city. Any time they were together they were either at work, out in public, or in Phil’s small studio apartment, but Dan always made sure they never went back to his flat.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want Phil to see where he lived or that he liked to make it difficult on himself and always be the one to walk home late in the night when he was tired, it was just a lot of work to get his apartment ‘company ready’.

Because his flat looked as if a child lived there (because one did), an unknowing outsider to his illness would grow suspicious at the state of his lounge. In order for someone who didn’t know of Dan’s DID to come over, he had to spend a few hours putting things away.

All of Max’s toys and books had to be placed in various locking closets around the flat. The bigger toys like the trainset and the rug were tossed into the corner of Dan’s room, typically covered with a blanket or just the mess of his room would disguise it well enough. If anyone saw a child’s toy, Dan would just act as though he was holding on to his childhood toys for the day he had his own children.

The kitchen was a whole separate area of items to hide, but with an easier excuse if he got lazy. There were children’s plastic plates, cups, bowls and small plastic utensils. He’d generally place them all in a box and stick them in the highest cupboard. If anyone happened to get on a stepstool and open the obnoxiously high cabinet to find his boxes, his response was he found them easier to use when drunk.

On a good day, it could take Dan a solid hour to move everything around, but that also meant dealing with his alters. They were never particularly happy to have their stuff messed with or without their permission. Every time he picked up something that wasn’t his, he’d have to explain what he was doing, where he was putting it, how long it would be there, and in Kaleb’s case, will I be compensated in beer?

So because of this process, Dan would always steer clear of the idea of going back to his flat. If Phil would ask, he’d come up with an excuse that the heating was broken or the place was a mess or his parents were in town.

The thing about excuses is that they only last for so long.

One day, Dan had decided to work from home because Kaleb stayed out a little later than usual the night before leaving him nearly drained of all energy and a killer headache to match. He’d gotten up around 11 and made himself coffee with a piece of toast. When he finally sat down at his laptop to begin his work, his phone started to ring.

Figuring it was his mother calling to ask if he was feeling better, he didn’t bother turning the phone over to look at the number. The phone stopped ringing and he opened up his email, looking for the specific chapter he was meant to have done by tomorrow. He didn’t get through the first line when his phone rang for a second time.

He picked it up, not taking his eyes off of the screen and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yes Mom I’m fine. I’m not gonna text you any more updates on my life if this is how you’ll react every time Kaleb does something stupid.” His eyes continued to read the words on the screen believing that if he just kept looking at them he could trick himself into multitasking efficiently.

“And Kaleb would be?” Phil’s voice echoed through Dan’s head and he nearly dropped the phone onto the floor.

‘Nice work jackass. Why would your Mommy care about what I do?’

“He’s uh- he’s,” Dan racked his brain for an excuse. A cousin? No, he told Phil he only had one cousin whom is definitely not named Kaleb. A Neighbour? No, Phil knew that Dan hadn’t talked to a single person in his building. “He’s a guy who stays with me from time to time. He got kinda drunk last night and we were out really late so.”

“Right.” Phil didn’t sounds all too convinced, but it wasn’t a very convincing lie to begin with. “I thought you said you were sick last night and that’s why we couldn’t hang out.”

Dan’s head hit the desk in front of him with a thud and it took everything he had not to scream into the phone. The headache was throwing him off, distorting his capability to think rationally. He’d blame it on Kaleb for getting so drunk that he forgot to leave a note informing Dan that Phil had called to hang out.

“Uh. Yeah. I was sick but uh, Kaleb he’s a very persistent guy.” The phone was silent for an extended amount of time after Dan spoke. He almost believed that Phil had hung up on him, not that he would blame him really.

Getting caught in a lie always made Dan really anxious. It wasn’t just the idea that the person would think he didn’t care enough about them to tell the truth. Every lie was a clue and if someone caught on to enough of them, they could discover the underlying truth.

“So is he like, your boyfriend or something?” Phil asked, voice doleful and melancholy.

“No! God no!” Dan was quick to defend. The last thing he wanted was for Phil to believe he already had someone else in his life, that there wasn’t room for Phil. He tried to keep his crush on Phil at bay simply because the possibility that anything between them could happen was almost rock bottom, he didn’t want to do anything to hurt his already miniscule chances. “Not only is that an impossible relationship, but it’s also really weird. Kaleb is not my kind of person.”

“And yet you go to bars with him?” Phil was confused, that much was easy to tell. Dan wanted to make it easier to understand, to clear the subject and move on from it, but he wasn’t sure how.

“I wouldn’t say I willingly go. It’s just kind of a thing that happens. It’s hard to explain.” Dan sighed, his hand going up to the back of his neck and giving a gentle massage. It wasn’t a cure for his anxiety, but it was a help. “Can we just like, not talk about this? What’s going on? How’s work?”

“Work is terrible.” Phil’s voice didn’t sound any happier, the subject change only seeming to make it go from bad to worse. “Markus is being a complete dick today. He handed me a huge list of things to do and demanded they be done by the end of the day. I just don’t understand how someone who has zero experience in IT gets to be the manager of the IT department. Even so, anyone with half a brain would realize that it’s highly unlikely one person could install software on 80 individual computers in 7 hours. That’s like, five minutes per computer with no break.”

Dan wanted to laugh, not because the situation was funny but because he knew it all too well. The manager of the editing department was promoted from sales, so he was frequently hit with hard deadlines and feats no one human could accomplish. He refrained from laughing given the tone of the entire conversation they’d been having, chosing to go with sympathy instead.

“That fucking sucks. At least you’re getting a lunch this time. Remember when the district manager came for a visit and they were working you around the clock?”

“Yeah those few days were the worst. I only got to see you for all of five minutes in four days. Hardest four days of my life.” Phil’s voice was starting to get its life back, slowly forgetting about anything Kaleb related.

“Trust me, seeing you that stressed out was not the highlight of my life either. “ Dan cracked a smile, assuming that Phil meant the work but allowing himself to believe for a sliver of a second that the lack of communication with Dan made that week hard. “That’s why I stayed so late that night that I ended up crashing on your couch. Clearly bad things happen when we go too long without seeing each other.”

“Do you think I could come over after work? I just really don’t want to go to my empty flat and wallow.” Phil asked apprehensively.

Dan opened his mouth, but no excuse came out.

“Of course.”

After that day, Phil came over to Dan’s place more often. They ended up spending more time at Dan’s than Phil’s which was a huge achievement on Dan’s part. He liked having Phil over, it showed Phil a little more about his life, allowed him to gain just a little more trust.

The alters also got on board with a new schedule when Phil was coming over. If one was out when plans with Phil were made, that alter would put all of Max’s things away and lock the spare room. A note would usually be left for Dan saying that Phil was coming over that day or that he had been there. Having Phil over almost became second nature to them all, finding a way to enjoy Phil’s company and welcoming the change in pace.

But that didn’t always mean things ran smoothly and sometimes accidents happened.

Kaleb was always a night owl, even more so than Dan. He could stay out all hours of the night, drinking until the sun came up. He had a few select pubs and clubs he liked to frequent, especially when he was looking for a quick hook up.

He typically dominated Friday nights. He wasn’t ‘allowed’ to go out partying during the work week, not that he always listened, so as soon as Dan was home from work on friday afternoons, Kaleb was out and ready to go.

He’d hop in the shower almost immediately after he was in control, needing to get the stench of corporate greed off his body. After getting out, he’d go to his room in his towel, turn his stereo as high up as it could go, and sit by his window. A master of his craft, he’d have a blunt rolled and lit in under two minutes. It was the perfect way to start off the night.

Once he was properly high, he’d set about actually getting ready. While Dan was more into the black skinny jeans that showed off every inch of his body, Kaleb was more into dark blue and green skinny jeans that cut off at the knee. His t-shirts were almost all the same, some obscure heavy metal band that no one could possibly have heard of.

He prefered his hair to be up in a quiff. In his inner world he had short blonde hair, so getting Dan’s fringe out of the way was usually his first instinct. He’d go through half a can of hairspray before he was happy with the result.

Kaleb was a fan of makeup, particularly mascara as it made his eye’s pop. His sole goal of going out was to get laid so accentuating his best features was key to achieving that. With a small amount of eyeliner and some blush on his cheeks to give him more colour, he deemed himself good enough to go out.

Kaleb and Evelyn both had their own friends whom they would hang out with when they were out. Kaleb pulled out his phone and started texting his normal group of friends telling them to meet him at their local pub. He took one last look in the mirror before he was out the door for the night.

A high tolerance for alcohol, something Dan did not have, meant that kaleb was fisting drinks left and right all night. He was downing shot after shot in hopes that the next one would get him drunk enough to feel like himself and not the man whose body he occupied.

He didn’t start talking to strangers until well into the night. He wasn’t one for conversation and he didn’t want to end his night early even if that meant he was headed home with someone. But by the time three am rolled around and he was striking out left and right, he decided to call it a night and head home.

That didn’t stop him from continuing to try to get laid.

When he arrived back at the flat, he pulled a beer out of the fridge and flopped down on the couch. He scrolled through his phone, looking at all of the names in it in an attempt to find a fuck buddy for the night. No one caught his eye until he saw Phil.

It was a risky move considering Phil was off limits. Dan was practically head over heels in love with the guy, but lowered inhibitions threw rational thought out of the window and before he knew it, he was opening up his messages.

‘Hey buttercup. You still awake?’ Kaleb was the only one who called Phil ‘buttercup’. Dan absolutely loathed the nickname, but Kaleb found it flirty. Phil found it cute, returning with an equally gross nickname as a response most of the time.

He didn’t really expect a reply considering it was well into the middle of the night, but when his phone went off a minute later, he was instantly grabbing for it.

‘Sadly. :( I’ve been trying to sleep for hours but it’s just not my night I guess. What’s up, love bug?’

‘I’m booorreeed. Come play with me. ;)’ It took everything Kaleb had not to come out and just say ‘fuck me’.

While Kaleb wasn’t big on Phil’s personality, he wouldn’t lie and say Phil was unattractive. He spent countless nights imagining getting Phil to sleep with him, to fuck him hard into the mattress. That was his biggest motivation for being on board with everything related to Phil. If Dan could get Phil, that would mean he could too. He wouldn’t have to go out as often in pursuit of a stranger to fuck. He could have someone on call whenever he wanted.

‘Come play with you? Are you the twins from the shining or something? Lol’

Kaleb groaned. Leave it to Phil to completely miss the point. His patience was growing thin. In an attempt to calm himself down, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. There was only one left and he cursed himself for not thinking ahead.

‘No, but I could be if you want me to. I can be whatever you like.’

He put the last cigarette to his lips, ignoring Evelyn's complaints that he was smoking in the living room, and lit it as quickly as he could. Just as he took in his first inhale, he got a text.

‘I like you just the way you are, Dan. I wouldn’t want you to be anyone else. Are you drunk? Haha’

Kaleb rolled his eyes, almost regretting even reaching out to Phil. If the boy could just keep his mouth closed and his pants off, he might be in better standings.

‘Maaybe but that doesn’t change anything. Just come over. I promise we’ll have a good time.’

‘I think you should get some sleep. Before you say some things that you might regret and before I do some things I might regret.’

Regret? No one ever regret a night with Kaleb. That was more Dan’s speed, but Kaleb? He could rock Phil’s entire world, leave him speechless for days.

‘Do something you’ll regret? That must mean there’s something you’re wanting to do but are afraid to. I won’t regret anything and I know I can make you feel like same. Just come over and let me help you enjoy yourself.’

Nearing the end of his cigarette and already desperate for a second one, he quickly doubled texted.

‘And bring me a pack of cigarette, I’ve run out. I like a nice smoke after I give someone a good time.’

‘A good time huh? That does sound appealing’ Phil replied quickier than Kaleb thought, almost as if Phil was reacting on his first instinct instead of thought. He felt like he had it in the bag. He had Phil in the palm of his hand, he had to. He was in the middle of a reply back, a raunchy text to seal the deal when Phil texted again.

‘How about I stop by tomorrow. We can spend the day together when you’re sober and we can see what happens. There's hopefully plenty of nights in the future.’

‘Or you could just come over tonight and stay until the morning.’ He knew it was a lost cause, but he had to give it one last try. He was so horny and in need of a release.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Dan. Good night.’

In a fit of drunk anger, Kaleb threw the phone onto the other side of the cough, resigning himself to a wank before bed.

He came with Phil’s lips on his mind and he promised himself he’d get Phil. If the boy was interested, he was happy.

The blaring generic ringtone catapulted Dan from his dream and he sleepily ran his hand around in an attempt to find it. He took one look at the name calling and bolted up in his bed. He cleared his throat a few times, trying to knock out the sound of sleep before sliding the green bar over to answer it.

“Hello?” Dan’s voice was soft and even just with one word it was evident that he was sleeping not two minutes ago. He took the phone away from his ear and turned speakerphone on, racing to open up his messages and see if there was something he missed.

“Hey. Did I wake you? I was just calling cause last night you asked me to pick you up a pack of cigarettes on my way over, but you never told me what kind. Also did you want any snacks or anything? I got some crisps but I wasn’t sure what else you might like.” There was a rustling of bags in the background and a booming incoherent voice over an intercom. Phil was already in the store and Dan had to think on his feet.

Dan groaned just before finally opening his messages. He didn’t even have to read them to know that Kaleb had been the one to invite Phil over judging from the time of the last message. As he scrolled through them, he was getting secondhand embarrassment from the outright sexual messages Kaleb was sending, but what was even more shocking was that Phil had been sending them back.

Dan silently cursed Kaleb and his lazy ass for not going out to buy his own cigarettes. Dan didn’t want Phil to think of him as a smoker. He hated smokers.

“Yeah. Um. I think.” He tried to rack his brain, attempting to remember just what Kaleb smoked. As much as he wanted to tell Phil to just forget the request, he knew Kaleb would be furious. A furious Kaleb was a recipe for disaster. “I think it’s just a pack of Black American Spirits. And I’m fine with whatever snacks. We could also just order a shitload of pizza or something.”

“You think? You don’t even know for certain what you smoke?” Another one of Phil’s signature chuckles came through the receiver and Dan flinched. He should have been more on the ball but knocking off sleep wasn’t helping his already lacking memory. “You must be really tired. You never cease to amaze me, Howell. I’ll be over in about ten minutes or so. Just gotta grab a few more things and I’ll be over.”

Dan stuttered out some nonsensical goodbye before ending the call. He quickly read through as many messages as he could before remembering that he hadn’t showered yet and the lounge was covered in children’s toys. There was no way he could possibly cover for that without appearing as though he was a father or he was into some really weird shit.

He lept out of bed, powering through the headrush that overcame him. He went straight for the lounge, grabbing as much of Max’s stuff as he could and dragging it down into Evelyn and Kaleb’s room.

“Hey why are you moving my stuff! That’s not where that goes!” Max said in a pout.

“That’s my room you fuck, don’t put his stupid shit in there. We all agreed my side of the room was off limits,” Kaleb’s voice followed almost immediately after.

The alters went back and forth, telling Dan every instance of how they weren’t okay with what he was doing until Dan finished. He grabbed a key out of his own bedside drawer and locked up the spare room. There was no way in hell Phil was going to see that room.

The alters were all still complaining. Dan had messed up their spaces and they weren’t afraid to let him know he was in the wrong. Dan tried to power through without commenting, running to quickly change and spray himself with deodorant to hide the fact that he hadn’t had a shower. Soon it became too much. He was doing another once over in the lounge, making sure he got everything when Max started to cry and Dan lost it.

“Listen. I get it. Your shit is out of sorts and you’re mad at me but can you please just shut the fuck up while Phil is here? I’ll move everything back when he’s gone and you can bitch and complain and put it back in the right spots later, but you all know that we need to keep this shit under wraps. If he finds out…” Dan trails off as a soft knock can be heard at the door. Dan doesn’t even finish the rest of his thought, leaving it up to the alters to figure out the rest. Instead he heads over to the door and takes a tentative look out of the peephole to see Phil standing sheepishly with two shopping bags in his hands.

Dan takes a deep breath, saying a silent prayer to no one that Phil didn’t hear any of the outburst, and opens the door with a wide grin on his face.

“Hey. I didn’t buzz you in. How’d you even get in? Dan asked, trying not to sound accusatory, but coming off somewhat standoffish. He moved back and opened the door a little wider, making room for Phil to walk into the flat. While he knew that everything was packed away, he couldn’t help but be on edge. His secret felt like it was teetering on a cliffside.

“Someone held the door open for me since I was carrying stuff. I guess if you’re holding enough stuff you can get in just about anywhere.” Phil’s cheeks tinted a noticeable pink compared to the rest of his complexion as he walked towards the small kitchen. Dan couldn’t help but wonder if he was still thinking about those texts, if he was coming over to see if anything would happen between them.

Phil put the bags down and started to unpack them while Dan got out a few bowls to put the snacks in so they could be handy. Once everything was out, Phil pulled a pack of American Spirits out of his jacket pocket and handed them out to Dan.

“I hope these are the correct ones. I’m not a smoker so I don’t really know the difference.” Phil gave a soft smile as their hands gently touched one another's. Dan wasn’t one for the idea of sparks and all that, but he was certain he felt tingles in all the places his skin touched Phil’s. “We can head down so you can have one if you want. I know last night you said you were out of them.”

Dan couldn’t help but feel warm as Phil offered to go downstairs with him albeit thankful that he left out the part where Kaleb mentioned having a smoke after sex. It was sweet that he wanted to make sure Dan got what he wanted, even if it wasn’t the healthiest for him. Most people would comment that he should quit or explain to him how it was a terrible habit to have, and Dan would just have to grit his teeth and bear through, considering he believed every word they said anyway. But having his alters came with a price, and being labeled a smoker wasn’t the worst he could be dealt.

“No. It’s fine.” Dan politely shook his hand and opened up a drawer to place the pack into. He was hoping that Kaleb was able to see and remember where they were being placed for when he came out later. “I’m really not much of a smoker. Just when I’m drunk. And occasionally when my emotions are really intense. I actually don’t really like smoking too much.”

As Dan closed the drawer closed, he turned his attention back to the bowls of snacks and started to pick them up, hoping to put an end to the conversation. The less he had to talk about his lost time, the less lies he had to remember.

“Ah. I was that way in Uni.” Phil took Dan’s lead and picked up the remaining snacks as he followed Dan into the lounge. He very clearly didn’t pick up the hint that Dan didn’t want to continue talking about this, but Phil so obviously wanted Dan to think he was okay with it, even if he wasn’t. “I used to bum off my friends when we would go out on the weekends and sometimes when I had a really rough paper due, I would just give in and ask my flatmate for one.”

“Yeah. I don’t even remember smoking last night. Really I don’t remember much at all. One moment I was at the bar and the next you were calling saying you were on your way over.” Dan powered through the want building up inside him. He wanted to play along with Kaleb’s game, wanted Phil to think he wanted him like that, but that wasn’t Dan.

“Oh.” Was all Phil said, disappointment flowing through his body language.

Dan decided to just drop the conversation, not wanting to question Phil’s tone. It didn’t feel right. Instead, they silently put the bowls down on the coffee table, arranging them in a way that they could still put their feet up on it if they wanted to. While Phil sat down on the couch, Dan started to rummage around with his game consoles. By this point he didn’t even have to ask Phil what he wanted to play, as they pretty much did the same thing every time.

Dan tossed Phil a controller and walked back over to the couch, ready to get comfortable next to Phil. As the game started to boot up, Dan plopped down on the cushion next to Phil, not quite touching like Kaleb would and not light years apart like Evelyn.

Once they were both in position, feet up on the table, bowl of crisps between them, and the start screen on, they fell into their routine.

Dan always loved the silence that lingered between them. He never believed that a sign of a good relationship was when you could sit in comfortable silence together, but Phil had just blown every preconceived notion out of the park when he walked into his life. Still, the question burned in the back of his mind. He needed to know if Phil was really okay with Kaleb’s habits. He needed to know if there was hope.

“Do you hate smokers?”

Dan watched Phil’s long fingers as they carefully paused the game. Phil took his feet off of the table and turned his body so he was facing Dan completely. Under Phil’s gaze, Dan wanted to retreat and look away but found he was stuck in a trance. He couldn’t shy away, he had to face what he started.

“Why would you think that?” Phil’s eyes wrinkled, concern etching the entirety of his face. It sent a pang through Dan’s chest, like he’d done something wrong, like he’d broken Phil’s trust. He knew that wasn’t true, but that didn’t stop himself from breaking down inside.

“I don’t know.” Dan mumbled, suddenly not in the mood to finish the conversation he’d forced them to have. “Just, most people do and I’ve had countless people who have said they couldn’t be around me cause I smoke sometimes. And I get it cause I don’t even like smoke, but just like. I don’t know. It’s still a shitty feeling I guess, people walking out for something I can’t really help.”

Dan hoped that Phil wouldn’t rebuttal that. He’d hoped that Phil wouldn’t ask how it couldn’t be helped when it was a conscious choice to most. He didn’t know if he had it in him to give another lie to the man sat in front of him.

“Of course I don’t hate smokers. It’s an addiction and it’s not my place to say one way or another what anyone does with their body.” Phil tentatively reached his hand out and rested it on top of Dan’s. That stupid spark could be felt again. “I would never judge you, Dan. Everyone has parts of themselves they don’t like. Everyone has parts of themselves they want to keep hidden. I’m not gonna leave you because you do something I don’t. I like you, habits and all. You shouldn’t feel like you have to hide them.”

And while Phil didn’t know exactly the extent of the meaning in his words, Dan felt a little more at ease with their arrangement.

They spent the rest of the day relaxing, switching easily from Smash Bros, to Phil watching Dan play Skyrim, to watching disgustingly cheesy rom coms. By the end of the night, the snacks were almost completely gone and there were two empty pizza boxes tossed onto the floor.

While Dan wanted Phil to stay the night, he felt it was still too soon. They’d only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and that was more Kaleb’s expertise anyway. Not to mention the locked room that had to be unpacked before his alters told him off.

As the day started to end and the two boys collectively began to clean up the lounge together, a bright light emanated from the sky outside the window.

“Shoot. I think it’s gonna start storming soon. I should head home before it hits.” Phil made his way over to the window, starting to count the time between the lightning and the distamt noise it made. Dan would have recognized what he was doing, trying to see how far away the storm was, but his anxiety was starting to increase.

Dan hated storms. They were one of his biggest fears. But the problem with storms wasn’t the storm itself, it was with Max. The loudness and bright flashes tended to scare Max so much that he was ultimately forced forward, having to be the one to deal with it on his own. Dan still didn’t understand why that happened since Max was more afraid than Dan, but it did.

Dan started to quicken his pace, trying to clean up and get Phil out faster. While he knew that Phil had been with him when his alters were out, he didn’t really see him transition save for that first time at the coffee shop. Max would be so afraid that there was no way he would be able to focus on pretending to be Dan. Part of his secret would start to fall.

“Well you best be on your way then. Thanks so much for st-” A crash of thunder stopped Dan mid sentence and the colour drained from his face. He put his arm around Phil’s back and began a quicken walked towards the door. “For stopping by. I’ll see you soon; tomorrow maybe? Of course, tomorrow I’ll see you at work. Obviously. But yeah, thanks. It was fun.”

Dan didn’t even care at this moment if he came off as rude. He needed Phil out and he was hoping he would take the hint. Thankfully for once, Phil did.

“Yeah. I’ll see you later. Have a good night.” Phil grabbed his coat on the way, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his keys before opening the door.

“Text me when you get home safe. It’s late and it’s the city and it’s raining. I don’t want to hear about you on the news.” Dan watched as Phil walked out of the door and into the hall. Rather than closing the door on him, he walked out and embraced Phil in a quick hug. Some simple reassurance before he was left alone for the night.

It wasn’t too much longer after Dan closed the door that he started feeling dizzy. He tried to hold on just a bit longer, wanting to at least unlock the spare room before Max came out, but he didn’t have enough time.

One of the best things about Max was that he was the easiest to have co-consciousness with. Dan could usually see and hear the things Max could, making it a bit easier to remember those lost hours. This was particularly common when Max was in high levels of distress.

As the storm grew louder, Max bolted down the hallway to the spare room, pulling as hard as he could on the knob that wouldn’t budge.

The key.

He checked his pockets, the drawers in the kitchen, Dan’s set of keys on the hook by the door. He tentatively opened up Dan’s room and checked in the closet, on his end tables, and even the bed. It was nowhere to be found.

With another loud crash the power went out and Max went into a frenzy. While he was trauma free, he was still a rather anxious child, and feeling trapped in the dark during the middle of a storm was not his idea of a pleasant outing.

With shaking hands, he pulled out Dan’s phone and opened it to Phil’s contact information. Without a second thought, he put the receiver up to his ear and started to pace around the room.

“Dan? Are you okay?” Phil’s voice came albeit a tad muffled as the sound of heavy rain was drowning out most other sounds.

“N-no. Could you come b-back please?” Max could feel himself starting to cry and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He was a big boy, he was too old to cry. Or so he thought.

“Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m not too far away, I’ll be right there.” The sound of wind could be heard and Phil’s breath started to quicken; he was running.

“Could you stop and get a colouring book or something? I-I need a distraction.” Max turned out of Dan’s room and into the kitchen. Looking through all the drawers he could get his hands on, no candles could be found anywhere. Just a simple lighter that was tucked away with Kaleb’s things. “Maybe a torch or some candles or something. The power's out. It’s dark.”

“Anything. I think there’s a shop still open on the next block over. Just give me a couple minutes and I’ll be there. Stay calm, take some deep breaths. You’ll be alright.”

Max hung up after promising Phil that he would do as he said and he ran to Dan’s room to get all of the blankets and pillows that he could find. If he couldn’t brave the dark and storm, a fort sure could help.

He set to work, moving the furniture around so he could use the back of the sofas as walls and drape the blankets across them. He had one going over the top like a roof and two draping down either side to enclose the fort. He filled the inside with a blanket base and six pillows that he had found. He wrapped himself up in a small galaxy blanket that he liked to cuddle with and was all set to hide away in his fort when the buzzer rang.

It nearly scared him to the point where he was frozen, but he remembered quickly that the buzzer meant Phil and Phil meant not having to brave the storm alone.

He dashed off to the front door and pressed the button to let Phil into the building. It was only a matter of time before there was a soft knock at the door and Max was swinging it open, jumping into Phil’s arms before the man could even step inside.

“It’s okay. I got you. It’s just a storm, I won’t let it hurt you.” Phil dropped the bag from his second shop run on the ground beside them and he wrapped his arms around Max’s frame. He ran his arms up and down Max’s body, doing what little he could to soothe the boy.

Eventually Max let go, feeling vulnerable with the door to Dan’s flat open. He picked the bag up off the ground before Phil could bend down to grab it and he went straight for the fort in his lounge.

Phil followed in behind and watched as Dan’s body retreated into the dark of the flat, pulling up of of the blanket walls in order to crawl inside.

Max quickly sat down and got to work pulling out the torches and bringing light back into the flat. It was a small comfort that he missed dearly. Next he went for the colouring book, seeing that Phil sprung for the 64 pack of crayons with the sharpener.

“Could I come in?” A voice sounded from outside the fort, bringing Max out of his thoughts.

Rather than answer with words he just pulled the blanket aside so Phil could settle in alongside him.

They didn’t talk. Rather, Phil leaned up against the back of the couch and Max settled in between his legs, resting his head back on Phil’s chest. He had a blanket pulled up over them, making sure that Phil tucked it behind himself so Max was as snug as a bug. His knees were pulled up, allowing the colouring book to rest on his legs as Phil held a torch at its pages.

They stayed like that for the rest of the night. The only movement between them being the scribble of Max’s crayon’s against paper and the occasional physical reassurance Phil gave any time a particularly loud clap of thunder happened.

Dan woke up the next morning with a kink in his neck and a large, blunt object digging into his side. He groaned and wriggled around slightly to pull a small torch out from under his body. He looked around, trying to get his bearings on the situation.

The back of one of his couches was in front of him and he was surrounded by pillows. He was laid on the floor, a mixture of battery operated lights and crayons scattered around the area. He went to sit up when he noticed the arm wrapped around his midsection.

He found himself muttering ‘please be phil, please be phil’ as he cocked his head back to look over his shoulder. There, sleeping peacefully, black strands of hair falling into his eyes, was Phil.

Normally this is when Dan would start freaking out. When he would question what had happened and how he could best escape, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to be selfish and stay in Phil’s embrace. He craved the affection of the man who stayed with his alter, kept him safe while he coloured. He had never wanted anything more.

So he stayed put. He turned over and buried his face into Phil’s chest. His left arm went around Phil’s waist and his hand held tight onto the man’s shirt. He could feign sleep if he needed to, but in that moment he really didn’t care.

Sometime after Dan was woken up again to a blaring noise coming from somewhere in the fort. He could feel Phil start to move around, doing his best not to move Dan too much as he reached to turn off his phone’s alarm. Once the ringing stopped, Phil pulled Dan closer, placing a gentle kiss to the younger’s hair. Dan hoped that he wasn’t the only one with a strong desire to stay in the warm embrace.

It was a peaceful moment but short lived nonetheless.

“Dan. We have to start getting ready for work.” Phil’s voice was low and full of sleep, exactly how Dan imagined it would be, not that he spent a lot of time thinking about how Phil would sound in the mornings.

Phil’s hand started running through Dan’s hair, picking up a few stray curls and gently letting them fall back into place. If Dan hadn’t been thinking about calling out before, it certainly was running through his mind like wildfire now.

“Dan. Come on. Up up. Go get in the shower and I’ll make us some breakfast.” Phil cooed, starting to pull himself apart from Dan’s body.

“I really don’t want to. You shower first, I’ll sleep.” Dan mumbled barely coherent words as he buried his face deeper into Phil’s chest. He’d be damned if he was getting up right now, now when Phil was embodying all of his senses at once; it was nearly heaven.

“I can’t shower here. I have no clothes to change into. Also I need to go home to get my glasses anyway.” Dan rolled back to look up at Phil. His eyes were red and puffy and he was rocking full on bedhead. “I slept with my contacts in which is never good.”

Even though he didn’t want to, he sat up, his head hitting straight into the blanket ceiling. His arms reached up in an attempt to stretch, but the entire fort came crashing down instead. Laughter bounded through the room and Dan did his best to push the blanket off of their heads.

“Shut up.” Dan mumbled, rubbing the sleep from his eyes before aiming to stretch once again. “If I didn’t break the fort, I would have resigned myself to staying in it all day so I guess dumb luck.”

Phil’s laughter didn’t cease, rather turning into a low, hearty chuckle. This resulted in Dan giving Phil a playful shove and standing up in case Phil retaliated.

Once he was up, he took the time to look around for his phone, knowing that it would most likely need a quick charge before heading into work. He’d be damned if he would leave the house without it.

He found it on the ground just outside the fort and picked it up. Before walking back towards his room, he picked up Phil’s as well.

“You go ahead and shower; I can loan you some clothes. I mainly own black so you’re gonna look a bit off for the day, but it should be fine.” As Dan headed down the hallway towards his room, his voice got softer and softer. He’d imagined Phil in his clothes multiple times and the reality of it was exciting.

“Hey at the very least it will give people in the office something new to speculate about!” Phil yelled from the other room.

Rifling through a box in his closet, he came across his spare charger. He plugged it in next to his charger by the bedside table and left the phones there. Phil’s phone screen came to life as it was plugged in, indicating it was now charging, but also revealing the new background Dan hadn’t seen.

The picture was rather dark, the only lighting coming from the moon, but it was unmistakable that Dan and Phil were in the photo. They were laying on the ground of some field, Dan hiding his face in Phil’s chest while Phil looked down at him in complete awe. He didn’t remember the moment, but from what he could tell, it was special to someone in the system.

A smile crept upon Dan’s face, his body tingling all over. He was happy, content. His normal pang of jealousy when seeing evidence of an alter enjoying Phil’s company was missing, his guard down for the first time in years. Because of this, it was easier for Evelyn to slip through.

Evelyn was in the body most mornings. As the protector, it was her job to get Dan ready for the day ahead. She was very used to her routine, so when she walked out into the living room to grab a glass of water and take their morning pills, seeing Phil cleaning up the lounge with no shirt on was quite the shock.

She was about to ask what had transpired but the sight of pillows and blankets phil was folding and stacking on the couch was enough information to get by. Max was the only one to make forts and he only did them when he was scared.

Evelyn, who hadn’t warmed up to Phil in the way the rest of the alters did, walked past him and continued on her way to the kitchen. While Max enjoyed the childlike wonder Phil had, Kaleb digged the overall sex appeal of the man, and Dan wanted to kiss the ground he walked on, Evelyn was still wary.

Evelyn was the one who took care of everyone. In the inner world, she was the mother to Max and a big sister to Kaleb. She kept them all in line, helping them with their problems and keeping emotions at bay. While Phil hadn’t exactly posed a threat to the system yet, he posed a threat to Evelyn. So far he had proven to Dan, Max and Kaleb that he could protect them, love them, keep them safe. If Phil was in their lives, Evelyn felt as though she would be tossed to the side. A useless part of the system with Phil there to guide them.

Letting Phil into her life meant giving over some of the control, allowing someone else to make sure Dan was getting enough sleep and arriving to work on time. She couldn’t trust Phil to be that person, not yet, possibly not ever.

Still, keeping Dan happy and healthy was her number one priority and as the boy was so deeply enamoured with the man, she kept her concerns mainly to herself.

She filled up a glass of water, drinking about half of it before reaching into a cabinet and pulling out the pill container with the days listed on them. She popped up the sunday container, dumping the pills onto the table and proceeded to take them one by one, a hefty gulp in between.

“So uh, If I’m gonna take a shower I’m gonna need a towel.” Phil’s voice came from out of nowhere and Evelyn nearly started choking on a vitamin tablet she just swallowed. She looked up to see Phil standing in front of her. “Also if you could give me the clothes so I could get changed into them right after, it would be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah give me a second.” Her eyes instantly fell from Phil’s gaze as she continued what she was doing, completely disregarding Phil’s presence entirely. She was generally better about her disapproval towards Phil, but mornings forced her to be so focused that she couldn’t compute the notion.

When the last pill was swallowed, she took the medicine bottles out of the same cabinet and refilled the sunday portion. She was aware of Phil’s eyes on her, aware that he must have noticed a change in ‘Dan’s’ demeanor. She didn’t veer from her routine, knowing it could be played off as morning grogginess.

With the pills away and the glass placed into the sink to be washed, she turned her attention back to the shirtless man. Without a word, she motioned for him to follow her down the hall and into the bathroom. Inside was a smaller shelf that held towels and washcloths.

“You can use anything in the shower. There’s a pretty wide variety in there.” Almost certain that Dan hadn’t thought to take out the four vastly different kinds of body wash and shampoo, she went for the ‘ignore and act as though it’s normal’ schtick. “Give me two seconds and I’ll get you some things to change into.”

She’d left Phil to return to Dan’s room. She would have preferred he come along to pick out what he wanted, but Max’s train set was shoved into the corner of the room and Phil would pick up on it instantly. By now she knew Phil’s style and Dan’s was nothing like Phil’s. Dan’s clothes were devoid of life while Phil preferred to drown in it.

Going through Dan’s closet and coming up with only a new pair of boxers and some black trousers led her to pulling the key from the bedside table and going to unlock the spare room. She took a quick survey of the surroundings, being sure Phil wasn’t lurking around, and opened the door to her shared room.

Her wardrobe was brighter than Dan’s, move up to speed with what Phil liked to wear. She was searching for a button down that was the perfect balance between bright and happy yet professional. She stumbled upon a scarlet coloured button down, a tiny little koala embroidered onto the breast pocket.

She carried them down to the bathroom, hanging them up on the door so they wouldn’t wrinkle. When she opened the door enough to peer in, Phil was down to his boxers, attempting to figure out how the shower came on.

Evelyn typically referred to herself as being somewhere on the ace spectrum, but in that moment she understood Dan and Kaleb’s obsession.

While Phil wasn’t overly toned, he had clear muscle definition, particularly in his arms. He had little pudgy love handles and legs that went on for miles. His back had little freckles spread about, a map of sorts just waiting for someone to play connect the dots. And his ass, his ass was divine, a gift from the gods as Kaleb would say.

“Need a little help?” She shook herself out of the daze, already feeling behind schedule and remembering that she had to keep Phil at a distance. Phil jumped in the air, evidently started with a small yelp passing through his lips.

“Uh, yes please.” Phil responded, standing straight up, polite in his reply. Phil was usually that way around Evelyn, picking up on ‘Dan’s’ mood change and following accordingly.

Her hand came up, motioning the man out of the way and she expertly pulled a lever and turned a few knobs. She felt the water temperature before moving out of the way and going back into the hallway.

“Clothes are hanging here and I’ll be in the kitchen making breakfast if you need me. Try not to be too long as we’re already running into the risk of being late.”

When she was halfway through preparing breakfast, it taking slightly longer than normal as there was two mouths to feed instead of one, Phil came out completely dressed. His hair was damp, but his fringe was styled in his normal way, air drying into place. The last thing Evelyn wanted to do was give up control and let Phil finish the most important part of her schedule, but if they had any hope of getting to the office on time, she had to trust him enough not to mess breakfast up.

Her shower was quick, washing down everything in a timely manner, her mind occupied with thoughts of Phil in her kitchen. She caught herself hoping he would fail, hoping he would prove all of her concerns correct. It was far easier than admitting she could be wrong, admitting she no longer had a secure place.

To her surprise, the flat had not burned down. Phil was plating up the pancakes when she walked out into the kitchen, several different kinds of toppings were out with spoons in them and even two full glasses of orange juice were poured.

They ate in silence, but it wasn’t the silence she knew Phil had with Dan. She could tell he had something on his mind but wasn’t quite sure how to word it. She didn’t ask him to say what he was thinking though, preferring not to hear what would come out of his mouth.

It was when they were cleaning up, Evelyn reluctantly giving in to Phil’s adamant request that he help with the dishes, that Phil finally voiced his concerns. They were stood side by side, Phil scrubbing down the dishes in the sink and handing them off to Evelyn who proceeded to dry them off and put them away.

“Are you okay? You seem a little, on edge, I guess you could say.” Phil spoke, keeping his eyes trained on the dishes in front of him. There was concern lacing his voice and Evelyn took notice of how genuine it sounded.

“I’m fine.” She said flatly.

“I know you’re not. I think I know you well enough to know when something isn’t right.” Phil answered quickly. He momentarily stopped his hands to glance up at Evelyn, but quickly went back to the task at hand.

“Do you really know me well enough? I think you know parts of me but not all the little bits and pieces.” Evelyn retorted.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil was sincerely curious about her choice of words, wanting to understand what was happening, wanting to be a confidant.

“I think there are different versions of me, and I don’t think you would like them all.”

Phil didn’t hesitate in his response.

“There could be a million versions of you across the whole of the universe and I would find something to love in every single one.”

Evelyn immediately froze in place, dish rag stalling in her hands and looked up at Phil. His body was calm and a small smile was etched across his lips, almost as if he was thinking about a world with a million Dan’s laid out in front of him. The joy he would get at spending his life with a million people who were exactly the same yet so, so different.

He’d noticed she stopped what she was doing and turned to look up at her.

“What is it? Am I doing the dishes wrong? Please tell me, I don’t want to mess up your flow.” His words were authentic and for once she believed Phil could want the best for them all.

“No no. It’s fine. I trust you.” She wished she could elaborate. Wished she could explain why she trusted him and to the extent at which she did, but it wasn’t hers to explain.

Instead she did the one thing she knew she could to show her love.

Her nose started to tingle and her eyes closed.

“Please don’t ever forget that I care about you and I always will.” Phil’s voice was getting distant as Evelyn slipped back, but every single person in the system could hear his words.

‘Don’t you dare let him go, Dan Howell.’

“I won’t.” Dan whispered.

As their friendship grew on and Phil started spending more and more nights over at Dan’s, the idea of a romance between the two became less of a fantasy Dan could only dream of in the dead of night and more of a possibility.

Their touches lingered for longer, their conversations became deeper, forehead and shoulder kisses became more common, and an overwhelming sadness fell over any time they had to part.

They became the talk of the office, frequently showing up dressed in the others clothing, going out to lunch most days and when one was out sick, the other was either home as well or may as well be with how lost they appeared throughout the day.

To outsiders, even Dan and Phil’s families, they seemed to be your normal happy go lucky honeymoon phased couple. And that would be true had they been dating. It wasn’t that Dan didn’t want to be dating Phil, of course he did. He would kill to be able to add a morning kiss onto their new Evelyn approved morning routine. He just couldn’t get up the courage to actually say the words.

He’d attempted one night, asking Phil if he wanted to go out to dinner. Dan made reservations at a fancy upscale Italian restaurant nearby, and dressed up in one of his nicest outfits. While Dan thought it was obvious he’d meant a date, when Phil showed up at his place severely underdressed, it was evident Phil did not catch on.

But it wasn’t as if the romantic undertones between the two were one sided. Phil would frequently compliment Dan. He would add little unnecessary touches in the middle of conversation and, during the night when he thought Dan was asleep, he would intertwine their fingers.

Even the alters knew they should be together. Evelyn would frequently invite Phil over and give Dan back the reins seconds before Phil showed up at the door. Kaleb would take Phil out for a night of pub hopping in hopes of a late night confession and possible make out session. Even Max would ask Phil about his future, if he wanted to be married or if he saw himself with kids one day.

Everyone but Dan could work out a way to make it happen, he was just far too insecure to take a leap and grab the things he wanted out of life.

But that led to a day when Dan woke up in bed, an arm slung over his waist. It wouldn’t have been alarming, as Phil normally held him when he slept over, but no, this time Dan was practically naked.

He sat up quickly, Phil’s arm flinging off of his body and landing back on the bed. The swift movement startled Phil awake, and assuming that Dan had a nightmare of some sort, he put his arms around Dan, rocking the boy back and forth.

Dan tried to assess the situation, looking down at his bare body save for the boxers hanging low on his hips. Glancing back proved to be an overload in Dan’s brain as Phil was in an almost identical state at Dan. He wiggled out of Phil’s grasp and pulled the blanket up to cover himself, knowing full well that it was pointless; Phil had most likely seen everything there was to see at that point.

“Dan, love, what’s wrong?” Phil purred, getting up on his hands and knees to move in front of Dan’s face.

Dan wanted to look. He wanted to take in Phil’s chest and his upper thighs that he’d always dreamed would one day be wrapped around his head. He wanted to take advantage of whatever situation Kaleb or Evelyn had put him in, but he just couldn’t. He kept his eyes trained down on the blanket pattern.

While it wasn’t a foolproof plan, he thought it would buy him some time to come up with some rational scenario that didn’t involve Kaleb, a bottle of Jack, and a first time he wouldn’t get to remember. No, what happened was far worse.

Phil’s fingers found their way under Dan’s chin and within seconds, he was being forced to lock eyes. Brown against blue. Before Dan could even blink, Phil was inching forward and their lips touched ever so gently. It was chaste and should have been a sweet gesture if Dan hadn’t been so confused and on the verge of heartbreak.

He pulled back, a little quicker than he had intended to and swung his legs over the side of the bed, ignoring Phil’s gaze in the process. He wanted to run, to escape the situation before Phil could explain, before Kaleb would start taunting in his ear about how he’d won the game. He needed out, but his legs wouldn’t budge, his feet cement blocks on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?” Phil’s voice came out a little shaky almost as if he was fighting back tears. “I’d thought that after last night, after our first date and everything we talked about, it would be alright to kiss you.”

Dan stayed silent, willing himself to move, to run, to escape. He couldn’t, and sat helplessly as Phil joined him on the edge of the bed, creating a gap between them for the first time in months.

“I assumed since you had kissed me last night that I could kiss you now, and that was wrong. Previous consent does not mean consent forever and I should have asked if you were okay with it bef-”

“I kissed you last night?” Dan cut Phil off, his eyes growing wide as they moved to Phil’s face. Anger was boiling in his stomach. He wanted to destroy something, smash Kaleb’s things the way that he had destroyed Dan’s first experience with Phil.

Phil was stunned into silence.

The room lay still, neither talked nor moved an inch. Dan’s mind was loud, the alters giving their two sense on just how badly Dan fucked up, but he didn’t care. For the first time in years, he wished he never had DID.

Out of nowhere, Phil was up off the bed in a flash, hunting around the room in search of his clothing. It was only as Phil was pulling his pants on that Dan started to agree that he’d messed up everything he’d ever wanted.

“What are you doing?” Tears started welling up in Dan’s eyes and he wasn’t sure if he had the willpower to keep them from falling. He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had someone who liked to hold and kiss him, someone who was concerned about his wellbeing, and in a span of minutes he had to watch them leave before his eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m going. I can’t do this anymore Dan, I really can’t.” Phil’s voice was hoarse, like he too was trying and failing to hold back the tears. He reached for his shirt and Dan went into overdrive, regaining control of his legs and jumping off the bed. He grabbed Phil’s shirt out of his hands and held it tightly in his fists.

“No. No, I won’t let you go.” Phil looked less than thrilled, making a grab at the shirt in Dan’s hand, but Dan quickly moved it behind his back. Dan thought that would hold Phil, but the man just let out a sigh and turned to walk out of the bedroom.

“Where are you going? You can’t just leave like that!” Dan followed after him, tears streaming down his face. He didn’t even bother to put on his own clothes, fully prepared to run after Phil in the streets half naked.

“Keep the shirt. It’s yours anyway.” Phil walked into the lounge, picking up his keys and wallet off of the coffee table. Dan frantically tried to calm his breathing while thinking about what he could do to stop the best thing to happen to him from walking out on his life.

“But why? Why are you going? Can you please just tell me what I did wrong? I’m sorry that I reacted that way. Just come back and kiss me again. I’ll be better this time. I’ll keep my mouth shut and we can go back to bed and just pretend it never happened.”

“Can’t you see that that’s the problem Dan? You always conveniently forget some of the most important memories I have with you and then I have to pretend like they never happened. The time we took a walk through the park and I told you that coming out to my parents was one of the scariest things I’d ever done, and two days later you asked me what I hoped my wife would be like. That time we took my parent's car and went on a late night drive to the beach and you’d later said you’d never been.” Phil’s hand ran through his hair, a few tears dropping down from his cheeks onto the floor. He’d stopped his pace completely, standing shirtless in the middle of the room, baring his soul to Dan. “Or when I told you I was severely allergic to cats and weeks later you booked up a reservation at a fucking cat cafe! I could continue on, Dan. The list is about a mile long.”

“I didn’t- I can explain.” Dan knew he had to tell Phil, knew it was the only way to even have a chance at holding on, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the secret go. Not yet. He wasn’t ready.

“No, I don’t think you can. Dan, you act different so much. I feel like half the time you aren’t even you. You forget entire conversations we have, you don’t care about the moments that mean so much to me. Hell, you forgot our first date and our first kiss. I care about you, so much Dan. I really thought you felt the same way.”

Phil wiped the back of his hand across his cheeks, drying his face of the tear tracks. He gave one last look up at Dan, almost like he was begging him to give him a reason to stay, an explanation to it all, curb his insecurities and tell him he felt the same, but Dan’s tongue was tied.

Phil shook his head and walked past Dan, out of the lounge and towards the front door.

‘Just fucking say it Dan. Don’t let him leave.’

‘I’m sorry Dan. I shouldn’t have kissed him, but don’t let that be the end.’

‘Who will hold me during the storms now?’

Phil’s hand was on the knob, ready to open the door and walk out of Dan’s life forever when he finally found enough courage.

“I have DID.”

Seconds were minutes, time stood still as Dan watched Phil’s hand slide off the door knob and turn back to face Dan. He hadn’t even registered that he’d said it until the words were resounding throughout his head.

“You have what?” Phil’s voice was soft again, caring and fluid like he usually was. He didn’t move from his place in front of the door, but his eyes had a twinkle again.

“I have DID. Dissociative Identity Disorder. I was diagnosed when I was 17, but I’ve had it since I was really young.” Dan’s voice was shaking, never having been more afraid, yet at ease to tell someone. He knew that if he wanted a future with Phil, he’d have to tell him eventually, but he really didn’t want it to be a final card to play in an attempt to save that future.

“I don’t-” Phil took a tentative step towards Dan, gauging the reaction of the boy before taking another three steps to stand directly in front of him. “What does that mean?”

Dan took a deep breath and looked around the room. He’d thought about telling Phil countless times. He’d rehearsed what he would say and how he would deliver the information, but the spur of the moment confession left him unprepared.

“Do you think we could sit down or something? This will be kind of a lot to take in and it might take me a bit to get through it all.” Dan’s hand came up, his thumb pointing behind him towards the lounge. He hoped it would be enough.

Without words, Phil nodded his head. He started walking back the way they came, taking Dan’s hand in his as he went.

Dan was trembling and the small contact Phil gave him calmed his heart enough to help him think clearer, to begin to work through just what he would say.

They sat down on the couch, Phil sat with crossed legged and his back against the armrest. Dan sat with some distance between them, bringing his knees to his chest and holding on tightly.

Silence lingered, Dan working out just what he wanted to say and how to say it. Phil was waiting patiently beside him. After ten minutes, and Phil scooting closer to place a hand on Dan’s shoulder, Dan opened his mouth to speak.

“DID is an illness where a person has at least two personality states. These states are called alters. Everyone is different, but for me, I have three other people living in my head. It’s usually developed in childhood, the mind ‘splits’ to protect itself from some kind of trauma that occurred. I don’t remember what happened to me, but I know that it was really bad.

“There’s a whole lot that goes into it, and I don’t want to bore you with the details, but basically when I ‘forget’ things, it’s because I wasn’t there for them. I like to call it lost time because I have no recollection of what happens when an alter is out except for a few spare times, and I really have to rely on context clue, notes from my alters, and others’ stories to help me fill in the gaps.

“I have three alters and we all work in what’s called a system. You’ve met them all without really knowing it. Or maybe you know it because they aren’t the best actors and our personalities are so different. There’s Evelyn, who was the first alter. She’s grown up with me and she looks after the wellbeing of the system. Kaleb came next and he’s kind of a dick. He’s the one who smokes and parties and he’s the one who stole my first kiss with you. Then there’s Max, who’s only 11. He ages very slowly in comparison to myself and the other alters, so he’s only aged 2 years in 6. He’s a child who loves to colour and go to the park and I’d be willing to bet he was the one at the beach with you that day.

“I just. I was going to tell you, one day, but there’s always a fear that comes along with saying it. There’s the fear that you won’t believe me like most people do. Like my psychology professor at Uni whose whole lecture on DID was that it was basically a made-up thing people did to excuse bad behaviour. There’s also the fear that you’d believe me but consider it too much to handle. I’m really not sure what’s worse.

“That’s kinda it. At least the really basic part of it anyway. You can decide what to do now.” Dan, who had been holding on tightly to Phil’s shirt the entire time handed it out to him, gesturing that the ball was in his court to decide what to do.

Phil reached out and took the shirt, standing up off of the couch and pulling it over his head. He leaned down, pressing a kiss onto Dan’s temple before walking towards the door of the lounge.

Dan kept his head down, not ready to watch Phil leave.

“I’m gonna make us breakfast. Would you rather eggs or pancakes?” Dan’s head shot up, a wide grin spanning ear to ear. Phil couldn't help but break his composure and smiled right back.

“Pancakes please.” Dan unrolled himself from his ball and met Phil at the door. Phil’s arms opened and Dan leapt into them, burying his face into Phil’s chest. He wanted to be happy, but his deep insecurities couldn't let him quite yet. “Are you sure?”

“What is there to even consider? I appreciate you telling me and believe me, I’ve got about a million things I wanna ask both you and google, but I don’t want to overwhelm you right now. How about we eat some breakfast, watch a movie or something, and come back to it?” Phil’s hand rubbed up and down Dan’s back before pulling away. Before Dan could lift his head, Phil’s lips came forward, leaving a lingering kiss to the boy’s forehead. Dan countered by placing his hands on either side of Phil’s face and connecting their lips.

“That sounds perfect, but I don’t want to hide anything from you anymore. I want you to know how committed I am to you and to making this work. If you have any questions or thoughts that pop up, please just throw them out there, and if I feel like I can answer it, I will. ”

Phil thought for a moment, his eyes looking out to the side as if he was thinking deep in thought.

“Is that why you were so adamant about not seeing Split?” Phil said and Dan groaned, pushing Phil away and resuming the walk to the kitchen.

“Don’t even get me started on that fucking movie. It’s literally just a way to make money off fear mongering like I’m not gonna kidnap you and kill you or some shit. Like worse case scenario is Kaleb will be a fuck and sleep with someone, which we will have to talk about, but like god that movie just gets me going. The inaccuracies are unbelievable and everyone who says ‘it’s just a movie’, well I’d like them to walk a fucking day in my shoes. Let them see how fast they flip that dumbass opinion.”

Phil chuckled, following after Dan and letting him rant. Things made so much more sense, clicked together.

“You know I’ve always hated that movie just as much as you, but it’s just really cute to see you get all worked up.”

“Oh shut up.”

They went into the kitchen, Phil pulling out all of the ingredients needed to get the pancake batter going, Dan getting started on a pot of coffee. It was easy. It was perfect.

“So how was our first date?” Dan asked halfway through the pancake process.

“I don’t know.” Phil replied, a sly grin appearing. “We haven’t had ours yet.”

Dan was momentarily shocked, ready to pitch a fit that this whole fight happened and there wasn’t even a date to begin with, but Phil was quick to shut him up.

“As far as I’m concerned, if you weren’t there mentally, it wasn’t our first date. We can try again another day.”

Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck, taking in the moment. Everything he’d been through, all the time he’d spent worrying about Phil’s reaction. Never in a million life times did he think he would be lucky enough to find someone so understanding, someone who would stand in his corner no matter what.

“That sounds good to me, but could we also have a redo on that first kiss?” Dan inched his face forwards, daring Phil to take the next step.

“We could redo that as much as you want.”

#phan #phanfiction #phanfiction catalogue #phanfic

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exceedingabnormality · 7 years

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50 questions you should as a girl if you really want to know her.

In my life, I wholeheartedly believe in being completely transparent with the people around me. I like to live by the phrase “If you cannot help someone, don’t hurt them” And in my everyday life I try to be as kind and helpful as possible. These questions were titled “50 questions to ask a girl if you really want to know her” and I figured I’d be a fun way for you guys to see me, a little deeper.

1. What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person?

Going along with the theme of being completely transparent, I was sexual assaulted when I was 12, and at the end of the day, that’s shaped me as a human.

2. What’s one thing that’s happened to you in your life that made you feel weak?

Refer to the above, also, my MS diagnosis

3. Where is one place you feel most like yourself?

Probably anywhere with my friends or family. I can’t even imagine acting the way I do with them, around anyone else.

4. Where is your favorite place to escape to?

The beach

5. Who do you think has had the largest influence on the person you are today?

My Dad has had the largest influence on who I am. He is beyond kind to those around him, and is always giving. No matter how many times he’s been burned, he still gives.

6. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

Probably how petty I can get when someone does me wrong.

7. If you had one day left to live, what would you do first?

Kiss my beautiful Fiancee goodmorning.

8. What decade do you feel you most belong in?

Honestly? I enjoy the decade I’m living in now.

9. Who are you closest to in your family? Why?

I’m pretty close with both of my parents. I love my mom and my dad and I could tell them anything. My mom and I have connected more in the last year than we ever have. It’s awesome.

10. Who is the one person in this world that knows you best?

Cassie. Cassie knows me inside and out.

11. What is your favorite quality about your best friend?

My favorite quality about her? Her ability to be honest with me.

12. When you were younger what did you think you were going to be when you grew up?

Dolphin trainer.

13. If you could identify with one fictional character (from a book, show, or movie) who would it be?

Sergeant Olivia Benson. Though she's been through hell and back, She’s still helping others.

14. Do you easily accept compliments? Or do you hate compliments?

It used to be that I hated compliments, but now that I’ve learned to love my body and love myself, I’ve gotten a lot better about it.

15. Is your favorite attribute about yourself physical or nonphysical?

My ability to make people laugh.

16. What is your favorite physical attribute about yourself?

My booty.

17. What is your favorite non-physical attribute about yourself?

Apart from the ability to make people laugh, probably the fact that I have never had to think twice about helping another person. This is something that comes from my parents.

18. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I do.

19. Do you believe in soul mates?

I mean, duh?

20. How seriously do you take horoscopes?

I take them pretty seriously, but they have to be the real ones, not just random ones you find in GQ magazine.

21. Have you ever been in love? How many times?

I have been in love. Genuinely been in love, once. Nothing before the love I have now compares to anything in the past. Sure, I love people, but being in love? And in a relationship like I am now? It’s one in a million, and I think that’s what people mean when they say in love.

22. What makes you fall in love with someone?

It starts with the ability to make me laugh, but then it's a hundred things after that. Cassie, what made me fall so hard for her, was her relationship with her brother. There was a moment, we were first dating and I asked her who her best friend was, and without hesitation, she said her little brother.

23. What does vulnerability mean to you? What has the ability to make you vulnerable?

I think vulnerability comes from trust, and the ability to let your guard down. What makes me vulnerable? God, a lot of things. Late nights, and by late nights I mean like 2am talks over cold pizza after binge watching netflix.

24. What’s one thing you’re scared to ask a man, but really want to?

Well… in the bath, does it float or sink?

25. If you were a man for a day, what would be the first thing you do?

Give flowers to women on the street.

26. What do you find most attractive about each sex?

Once again, the ability to make me laugh is number one. I love to laugh, and I have to be able to do so to be happy.

27. What’s one thing you’d love to learn more about?

Politics! I think in another universe, instead of going to college for special education, I think I would’ve gone for politics.

28. What is something you’ve never done that you’ve always wanted to do?

Held a sloth.

29. Why haven’t you done it yet?

I haven't had the time to go to Costa Rica.

30. If money didn’t matter, what would your dream job be?

I would be a special victims unit investigator or advocate for victims.

31. If you had off from work today, what would you do?

Probably sleep, cook, clean? I don’t mind my job, I get off early enough for me to be able to do the things I want to do. Like tonight! I’m doing yoga.

32. What was the last thing that made you cry?

Cassie told me she hated Ed sheeran. I don’t know why, but that triggered me into a hysterical fit of sobs.

33. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

Jess and I were just talking about funny stories of Tin foil in the microwave.

34. What is your favorite memory?

One of the best memories I have from recent times, is when I noticed a student light up when I spoke to her in spanish. This student had been struggling to comprehend anything in english, as it wasn't her native language, and for someone to even acknowledge her, was a big step for her.

35. What’s the last thing that REALLY embarrassed you?

I honestly don’t get too embarrassed. I think the last thing that did was meeting Dan Slott, and he asked me if I had any questions for him and I just said “.. no, I just really love spiderman” and I was so embarrassed that I didn’t have any questions for him!!

36. What is your biggest fear?

Mono. I’m super afraid of getting Mono because I’m in enough pain and sickness as it is. I don’t need mono.

37. Do you have any regrets? What’s your biggest one?

No regrets. My life has made me the person I am.

38. Have you ever broken a law? If you haven’t what is one law you’d love to break?

I’ve broken so many laws, if I’m being completely honest. From speeding to driving without shoes, to letting my dog off his leash at the park to drinking underaged. One, I loved breaking was borrowing a road sign with friends.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

Staying with a woman in Arizona that we had never met was pretty crazy.. Did I mention she was a nudist?

40. Would you have a conversation with a stranger?

Those are the best conversations. You learn so much about the world around you and the people around you. Who knows, maybe you’ll make a new friend!

41. Would you tell a stranger they have toilet paper hanging from their shoe? Or their dress tucked into their underwear? (Or anything else that is embarrassing to be seen in public)?

Yes?? Why wouldn’t I?!

42. What’s your favorite joke?

What do you call a camel with three humps?

PREGNANT

43. Are you a dog person or a cat person?

It depends on the day and my energy level.

44. If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?

Sloth. Come down from my tree once and awhile.

45. What’s one show, movie, or book, you’re embarrassed to admit you enjoy?

I love any kids movies honestly. Mulan is my all time favorite movie.

46. How do you think your parents would describe you as a child?

“If Maddie would’ve been our first, we would’ve stopped there”

47. If you could go back to any age or time of your life, what age or time would it be?

August of 2011, just so I could say goodbye. Or, May 26th 2013, just so I could text you one more time.

48. What’s something you believe in that not everyone else does?

I believe at the end of the day, humans are deep down, good. There is no human that is born evil or terrible. I think this world and the people around them shape them.

49. What’s one thing you would say that makes you unique from other people?

My body love.

50. What is one thing you feel your life is missing?

A sloth pet.

#Survey #questions #get to know me #about #deep #love #blog #life

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thedorkwholovesphan · 7 years

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Straight As a Circle

Summary: Phil's known Dan's for maybe a month now. He's fallen for his bright smile, glowing eyes and even his sarcastic behavior. Phil's learned to love every bit of Dan including his imperfections. There's just one thing that seems to be a small problem... Phil is completely unaware if Dan is into guys, and frankly he is way to scared to ask.

Warnings: Cursing

Word Count: 1,849

Author’s Notes: Hiya! So, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth completely (yet). I made this fic last night because I really wanted to write something and I can kind of relate to this idea of the fic. Either or, I hope you like it, and hopefully you’ll be seeing more of me soon.

Enjoy~

“I don’t know what to do, Louise!” Phil let’s out a frustrated sigh, brushing his fingers through his fringe and throwing himself onto the sofa.

It was currently six-thirty in the afternoon and Phil was spending it freaking out because the man he ended up falling for was meant to be coming over in twenty minutes. He seriously never meant to fall for the guy he quite literally fell into— It was a long story; involving a cup of coffee, the ruining of a stranger's shirt all complete with Phil’s ultimate clumsiness.

Phil’s known Dan for about a month now. Dan’s met his closest friend, Louise, and Phil’s met PJ and a few of Dan’s other friends. They’ve been talking over phone calls and text daily and coming over to one another's flats on and off. Phil’s stayed up with Dan till three just talking about the most random things; He’s learned about Dan’s worries about the future and if he’s actually ever going to make an impact on the world. Dan and Phil have just been hanging out ever since Dan asked for Phil’s number, and Phil cannot express enough how much he cares about Dan. But, there was a small problem;

“For the millionth time, Phil, just ask him if he likes guys or not.”

He can hear the annoyance in her voice on the other line, and that just makes his heart sink more than it already has; he didn’t want his frustration on the matter to effect the people around him.

“It’s so much more complicated than that, I keep telling you this-”

Before Phil can go on, Louise interrupts. “No, it’s not, Phil!” She starts. Phil’s slightly taken aback since Louise doesn’t normally wear the strict and angry tone with him that she is now.

Either way, he lets her continue. “You haven’t even told him you were gay for fucks sake, at least do that. He doesn’t bite, and we aren’t in secondary school anymore, chances are if he weren’t supportive of the community, he would’ve expressed it.” Her voice gets softer as she spoke, and she lets a small pause fall between them for Phil to completely understand her words. “Sometimes you need to take a risk, Phil. I know you aren’t really one to do that, but you’re gonna be alright.”

Before Phil can reply, there’s a knock at Phil’s door and he jumps slightly, shooting his head in the direction of the knocking. He sits up, continuing to just stare at the door.

“Thank you,” Phil says with a genuine tone of appreciation. “He’s actually knocking at the door now. I’ll call you later and tell you how it goes.”

“Alright, good luck. I’ll talk to you later, love.”

With that, Phil hangs up, gets up from the sofa and stops at the front door, once again using his fingers to brush his fringe. He closes his eyes. “Here goes nothing.” He mutters with a sigh, a large smile following after it.

Phil opens the door and is greeted by a Dan dressed in a black button up collared shirt along with some black skinny jeans and black shoes. His smile grows at the man's clothing; not even a trace of color other than that bright smile that appears when his eyes lay on Phil. It’s safe to say that despite Dan’s dark look, it made Phil melt every moment they were together.

“Hey, Philly,” Dan starts, coming in for a hug. Phil hugs back; he was used to these by now, and every time the hug just seemed to make Phil all the more confused. “Thanks for letting me come over to beat your ass at Mario Kart some more.” He says, letting go of the hug and shooting Phil a devious grin.

Phil rolls his eyes, closing the front door and following Dan into his lounge. As they walk in, Dan’s already turning the TV on as if this were his own place. Phil didn’t mind, Dan’s been over several times by now and each time always revealed a bit more about the other. Dan had a right to be acting like he was a part of this house, Phil wouldn’t mind it anyways.

“Whatever.” Phil scoffs, taking the Wii U remote Dan was handing him and sitting crisscross on the sofa. “I’m going to be destroying you with red shells, just you wait.”

Dan laughs, “Yeah, you’ll be using red shells to beat me because the only way you can win is by cheats.”

Phil doubles back, acting as if he were in pain. “Ouch, that one hurt.” He laughs as Dan joins him on the couch. “You actually suck, Dan Howell.”

“Yes, and you, Phil Lester, swallow.” He grins, starting up the game.

He rolls his eyes at Dan’s immature come back. He’s fallen for an immature dork who's recently chosen to drop out of college in hopes to survive off of this website called YouTube; It’s alright though, Phil wouldn’t change it for the world.

Unless he’s fallen for a straight man, if this was the case he would prefer to just implode. That sounded like the most promising option.

* * *

“God dammit, Phil! This is seriously the third blue shell I’ve gotten this course, I am going to actually shit out an egg if you hit me one more time.” Dan exclaims, his irritation sounding quite genuine.

Phil only let’s out a small chuckle. “Sorry, mate. If you’re so pro then you should be able to win even with these hard core obstacles.”

The final lap is spent in an atmosphere of focused silence. Or, Dan was trying very hard to make it that way. Meanwhile, Phil was continuing his commentary while staying second place, approaching very close to surpassing Dan and taking first.

“I swear to every deity on earth, Phil Lester, if you hit me with anything-”

As they approach the finish line, Phil dodges a green shell, Dan being the unlucky person to get it instead. This causes Phil to not only take Dan’s place in first, but it also causes three other cars to pass the finish line before the younger one could recover and receive fourth place.

After a small fit from Dan, Phil is in an entire fit of laughter. “I hate you so much.” Dan mutters. The tone is completely opposite to how it was only minutes ago, it’s changed to something so much softer and filled with so much more care than it should have been.

Phil holds back the large kink in his throat that was starting to grow as he heard his tone and only finishes his fit of laughter by collapsing onto the rest of his sofa. “I know you do.” He smiles.

There’s a moment of silence, and the two seem to just be lost in thought for a while. Phil’s eyes remained closed, but he breaks the silence. “So, how’s life then?”

“Well, you see, just a bit complicated if I’m being honest.” Dan sighs.

This response causes Phil to immediately open his eyes and he sits up in Dan’s direction. That was his signal that now was time to get serious. This happened during most of their encounters, and Phil seriously lived for it. “I’m sorry to hear that, wanna talk about it?” Phil asks, crossing his legs again and sending Dan soft eyes of comfort and care.

There’s a grin that comes across his face as he looks over Phil. Dan’s eyes go soft and there’s a bittersweet smile when he starts to speak. “Well, haven’t really talked to you about this yet, but my love life is a complete mess.”

Phil’s attention is completely grabbed at the single sentence. This is exactly what he’s been waiting for this entire time. Dan’s talked about exes here and there, but he’s never really talked in depth about it all. The only downside to Dan’s words— this meant he actually had a love life to be worried about, one that Phil wasn’t apart of.

“Yeah? Well, go on, I’m hear to listen.”

Dan gets himself situated as he speaks. “Well, for starters I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen for someone who I can never have. It’s just, they’re just really nice and everything…”

“Mhmm.” Phil nods, just to let Dan know he was listening even though his eyes were staring at the ground blankly, his heart starting the shatter the more Dan spoke.

“I met them recently, and I really want to tell them something. I mean, I’ve been dropping hints about it but, he’s such a dork that I think he’s kind of blind to it all, y’know?”

Phil let’s out a single laugh. “Trust me, I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Do you? Well, tell me, did your dork just completely beat your ass at Mario Kart during what I figured was an unofficial date?”

It takes a moment for Phil to put it all together, but as soon as he’s analyzed the question his head turns to Dan to realize he’s moved over next to him. “Wait, what?!”

Because of the turning of Phil’s head, faces are closer than they’ve been before, and Dan has the largest smirk on his face as he’s glancing down at Phil’s lips. “Hey, Phil…” His voice is soft, and he says Phil’s name almost as if it were a question.

“Yeah, Dan?” His voice is high pitch and he’s almost one hundred percent sure his face is beyond red at this point. Phil is pretty confident he could melt into a puddle at any moment.

“Can I kiss you right now?”

Phil laughs at the question, and without and answer, Dan leans in and their lips touch. Soon, Dan is sitting on Phil’s lap and his fingers are tangling into locks of black. As Dan is nibbling at Phil’s bottom lip, Phil chuckles, accidentally ruining the make out session that was clearly about to ensue.

Dan looks down at him and cocks his head, grinning. “What? Are you one of those guys with sensitive lips or something?”

This statement causes Phil to laugh a bit more. “No, no, it’s just…” He pauses, looking up at Dan with a giant smile. “I guess this means you're into guys, then?”

A large smile comes across Dan’s face and his brown eyes are glowing with amusement at the question. “Well, I am currently sitting in the lap of the man whom I determined cute as fuck even before he spilled hot coffee on me, and now that we’re here I may or may not be thinking of something else to do with you right now.” He comes close to Phil’s face. “I think it’s safe to say I’m about as straight as a circle, Phil.” He laughs lightly, placing a chaste kiss on Phil’s lips before any response could be given.

Okay, so maybe Dan was a little bit into guys. But, Louise would just have to find out tomorrow morning, as Phil’s sure the remainder of his night has just been made.

#Phan #Phanfiction #Phanfic #danxphil

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danandphilsecretsanta · 7 years

Text

Talk Me Down

To: @eachmisfire

Title: Talk Me Down

Words: 6k

Genre: Angst. No other way to put it.

Rating: E for every non-triggerable person

Warnings: Sadness, unimaginably brief mentions of self harm, religious shaming

Summary: Just because you’ve been raised to believe something doesn’t mean you should

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Phil went straight from a town of shallow god-fearers to a town filled by people with crazy histories, and libraries in their basements. He went from a home in which he could never be himself to a home that only he inhabited. Things were looking up, and you didn’t need to look twice to see that. He had gotten rid of his unforgiving parents, and all those fake friends of his, too, but in doing so, he’d given up Dan.

The room was filled to the brim with an intense sense of fragility, whether it be the comfort found in their silence, or the boys themselves. They weren’t silent because of deep thought, or distractions in the form of objects, but instead because simply the presence of the other was enough. If asked in that moment whether or not he was in love, Dan might have even been fueled enough by the intimacy of the scene to tell the truth. Suddenly, an urgent need burned in Phil; a need to break the silence with the words neither of them dared to speak.

“I’ve missed this,” he decided to say instead, his heart racing simply remembering that he’d almost said three very different words. “We still hang out, but usually we just play Mario Kart, or watch movies. This is better.” Dan agreed more than Phil could know; he really was tired of those stereotypical ‘ hang out ’ sessions. Still, he couldn’t tell him that all he really wanted to do was hug him, and whisper things to him that would anger god.

“Yeah, I guess,” Dan responded, not quite sure what his own words meant. Anything was better than the things in his head, the things that he cried himself to sleep thinking about… The things that made him pray, begging god to rid him of the terrifying feelings. “Do you want to do something now?” He suddenly felt awkward as he saw the hurt taking over Phil’s expression. He did something, he was sure of that, but he didn’t know what. He wasn’t good at anything, seeing as he was a gay christian, and he’d even fallen in love with his best friend.

He had not fallen in love with him, though. Sure, he had, but god, he cannot have done that. So, ignoring the pain in his chest, he listened for Phil’s response. “I can go, if you want.” Dan wanted to climb onto the rooftop, and scream to everyone that he wanted everything more than he wanted that, but he knew that was the wrong choice. If he was going to improve his relationship with Jesus, he had to stop being so dependent on feeding his hunger for Phil’s presence.

“Alright,” he whispered, his voice shattering. He pretended the pain hadn’t been obvious in his voice, pretended Phil’s gaze hadn’t been asking him what the hell was wrong. “See you at school tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow is Saturday, but I could co-” Dan turned his back to Phil, squeezing his eyes shut to keep tears from coming out.

“I’ll see you Monday, then.” Phil nodded, letting his eyes collect tears. He knew Dan couldn’t see him, for he was looking away from him, so he let his shoulders shake with the force of his strong, and sudden sobs. Dan’s sobs were just as strong.

He hadn’t wanted to leave. He was in love, and simply one wall between them hurt his very being. Picturing Dan a state or two away, laughing, smiling, barely even remembering him, made his lungs stop doing their job. Even when he could feel himself breaking, he knew it was the better choice. Letting himself hurt alone was better than giving himself false hope with Dan. Still, even now, he fed himself lies. Dan could love him, right?

That Monday, Phil had called Mrs. Howell asking if he could come over, and of course she said yes. Dan had been royally pissed when his mother told him, as he knew exactly what Phil was doing. Phil had known that calling Dan would end in excuses as to why he couldn’t visit, so he avoided contacting the boy at all. Dan couldn’t be mad at Phil, though, for this was the first situation in which he realised just how much Phil liked him, as a friend, of course. The boy would rather spend time with Dan feeling unwanted than not spend any time with him at all.

Dan wished he would have called him, so he could avoid him coming over at all, but he couldn’t tell himself he didn’t have a ball of joy growing in his heart at the simple thought of time with Phil. He had wanted so badly to ask Phil over on Saturday, and ever since their last time seeing each other, Dan had wanted to apologise for his attitude.

Overall, he was thankful that he hadn’t been given the chance to tell Phil no, even though he knew his thoughts would make him have to pray for hours that night. He’d even thought of offering his pain for forgiveness. If he cut himself to show Jesus how sorry he was about the unforgivable thoughts, it just might make them forgivable.

Dan heard a knock from his doorway, smiling inwardly, and frowning outwardly at the sight of the boy on the other side of the open door. The younger boy looked uncomfortable, presumably guilty from having snuck himself some time with Dan. Dan sighed, only further convincing Phil he was a terrible inconvenience. Dan really didn’t deserve the rights to have befriended this wonderful boy, let alone hurt him the way he was.

“Sorry I didn’t ask you if I could come over. I thought-” Dan knew whatever excuse Phil could come up with would be false, so he decided to spare him.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Phil’s small smirk could have caused Dan internal injuries just from a glance. If in that moment Phil’s love for him was similar to Dan’s, he would forget about the shame. He would forget about the praying, and the disowning, and the lifetime in hell, because this boy was his heaven. A little time in heaven was worth a lifetime in hell, to Dan at least. He knew Phil only loved him as a friend, and while it should give him relief, it did the opposite.

“Well, you mentioned being tired of what we usually do. Would you rather, like, go on a walk or something?” Phil’s eyes widened, his head shaking.

“If you would rather do what we usually do, we can! I don’t want to be a bother, and get all picky.” Phil seemed so willing to give up what he’d wanted to do if it meant pleasing Dan. Dan giggled giddily, cursing himself for showing any affection towards him. If he kept doing that, he’d lose Phil, and god.

“No. I wanna do whatever you want.” Dan hadn’t meant for his voice to sound so loving, but, you know, love does that. Phil blushed, ducking his head, and trying to act like the words didn’t affect him. Dan let himself stare lovingly while Phil was looking down, avoiding his gaze as soon as he looked up. “So taking a walk would be good?” Phil nodded. Dan didn’t have good walking shoes, but he didn’t care. Phil may unknowingly be putting Dan through hell, but Dan still thought the boy deserved heaven.

It had all happened so fast. They had planned to do things after graduation, stay with their parents for a few extra months while they planned out schooling, housing, and income, but here Phil was, abandoning everything because of a seemingly unrequited love. Dan hadn’t seemed to care, though, so that was confirmation enough. Phil had nothing to stay for; He had nothing to live for, really. Not without Dan.

Dan tried avoiding Phil for the rest of the week. Nothing obvious, or life altering had happened during their walk, although Dan had fallen farther in love with Phil. Having avoided the topics that would remind them of real life, they let themselves fall into their own little world, where it was only them, and the words they shared. Ever since then, Dan had resented the many faults of the real world.

During their walk, there was no such thing as hate, or shame, or even the bible. When they had been talking, Dan had even felt a lack of pressure, like even god couldn’t get to him there. That was what scared him so much. He knew that love got to him so much that the feeling of a lack of god had been… Relieving. Now he really knew he had failed his faith. Not only had he began collecting strong feelings for another male, but he had started- he couldn’t say it.

This was why he had to avoid him. If he continued to encourage these feelings, they would grow stronger. He was doing a good job at avoiding the very determined boy, but that didn’t mean he was okay. All he wanted was to grab the younger boy, and kiss him so hard he had to grip onto his hips to keep from falling. His face turned red every time he let himself think like that. He prayed every day, so why wouldn’t god just take away those thoughts already?

It was so terribly evil. Dan didn’t want to admit to himself that he could ever think this way, but in the back of his mind, he knew it. They say the devil is he evil one, but he never convinced millions of people something is wrong, while continuing to poison his creations with the hated characteristic. Couldn’t he have included something saying that people couldn’t help their sexualitys, so people shouldn’t hate them? Or, you know, not included anything about sexuality, and just left it alone.

Dan let a tear fall from his eyes onto the page, the words that haunted him every day being stained with the salty liquid.

If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their bloodguiltness is upon them, Leviticus 18:22

For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error, Romans 1:26-27

Dan could picture Phil seeing his tears, and rushing to comfort him. That, that urgency you feel to help those you love when they are hurting; that is love. The constant unanswered prayers to the man who was supposed to fix everything would never have anything to do with love. If only Dan would let himself see this, but really, he couldn’t give up the faith he’d held onto all throughout his life, and he couldn’t be in love with his best friend.

Phil cried himself to sleep the first four nights of living alone. He was so far from Dan, and even after the boy called him for the first time since moving, he couldn’t convince himself it would be okay. Why couldn’t he have fallen for a boy that would love him back? He pondered on the question, fully well knowing the answer; that boy wouldn’t be Dan.

They had began celebrating at school; there were two weeks left of Highschool. Only fourteen days until they gathered in caps and gowns to give cheesy, and unnecessary speeches. Fourteen days until their parents would cry, and ask them to stop growing up, demanding that they stay at home forever if it meant not losing their child. Fourteen days until Dan wasn’t required to see Phil anymore.

Dan had already decided that he would ignore Phil from the moment they graduated on out. He wouldn’t have to go to school, so he could completely abandon their friendship with no awkward consequences. He wanted nothing more than to admit his love for Phil on graduation day, graduation caps in hand, tears in eyes, rain falling around them in a romantic, and unrealistically cheesy scene.

The cheesiness wouldn’t matter as he told Phil that nothing would matter if he would just tell him he loved him, too. And then Phil would wrap his arms around Dan’s torso, and pull him into the first, and most wonderful kiss he’d ever had. He would rest his hands in the middle of Phil’s spine so that he couldn’t pull too far away, and they would giggle into each other’s mouths as their friends cheered at the sight.

Dan had spoken to Phil a total of three times since the week of ignoring him, and all but one had all been brief. That one that hadn’t though, had been an entire night spent at Phil’s. Dan had ended up falling asleep in Phil’s bed, so he’d just slept there, but when he woke up, he prayed. He had loved the feeling of waking up curled into Phil.

Dan didn’t see how two people could be so tangled. His right leg was between both of Phil’s, and his left was flung across Phil’s entire body. His right arm was under Phil, which, if he was being honest, hurt quite a bit, and his left arm was in between his own leg, and Phil’s right arm. They had been, by every definition, cuddling.

So, remembering that feeling of warmth, and safety he had been overwhelmed with that morning, he avoided Phil with everything he had. He went as far as to block Phil on his mother’s phone when she wasn’t looking. He didn’t block him on his own phone, though, because he wanted the choice to make a mistake.

Dan had started a whiny, angsty playlist on Spotify. 90% of his time was spent on listening to Talk Me Down, I Don’t Want To Love Somebody Else, and Blue. They perfectly summed up the feelings Dan didn’t know how to, and they made him feel a bit more organised. Instead of being the boy who was in love with a boy, and ashamed of that, or the boy who had been raised thinking one way, and was suddenly thinking another, the songs described him with one word: broken.

Phil was hopeless. It had been five days since he had moved, but it felt like an eternity. Sometimes he wanted to be dead, and others he just wanted to move back, even if it meant once again being confronted by the biggest problem he ever had fought: a shattered, splintering heart.

They had a week left of school. Dan had spoken to Phil again, but only because he had showed up at his door in the unbearable heat. With sweat dripping down his face, he had said with an impossibly sweet voice, “Hello, Mrs. Howell. Could I drop in for a moment?” Dan had been sitting behind them, watching the scene unfold from the couch. Guilt seeped from every pore on his body, just like the sweat on Phil’s. His ignoring Phil wasn’t just affecting him, but Phil himself.

“Oh,” Phil had said suddenly, pretending not to have noticed the boy he had obviously spotted long before, “Didn’t see you there.” Dan nodded, his throat closing up as he let it hit him just what he had been doing to this beautiful, perfect angel. “How- how have you been?” Phil was just being absurd now; how could one truly be this awkward with their own organised reunion?

“Um… Well,” Dan offered dryly, looking up at his mother, and the bottle of water she held in her hand. “Well, there is your water.” Phil’s eyes looked hopeful.

“Do you think I could-” Dan looked down, his mother staring a hole through the back of his head.

“I’ll see you at school.” He didn’t look back up to see Phil leave, but he knew he was gone when the first words left his mother’s lips.

“Why the hell are you being so mean to the poor boy? He hasn’t done a thing to you!” Dan continued to look don at his hands as tears fell onto the bare skin of his shaking fingers. Rose didn’t realise how much he was hurting, continuing. “Do you not realise how obvious it was that you were rejecting him? He was nearly crying as he left, but you didn’t even look up from your lap to see that. You are being selfish, Dan, and I did not raise you to be selfish!”

He finally looked up, his mother staring sorrowfully at the look of pure, unadulterated pain in her sons eyes. “I don’t want to hurt him. I’d rather do anything in the world rather than hurt him, but… Mum, it is so wrong. Men aren’t supposed to love men, and I always did whatever god said, but this… I can’t help. I love him, mum, and no matter how many prayers, and hours of ignoring him, I always will.”

She took his body into her arms, fully recognising that the thing in her arms was nothing more than the broken shell of a previously happy teenage boy. She had forgotten to tell her son the most important thing she could have: If something makes you happy, truly happy, don’t let anyone, or anything take it away.

In one day it would be a week. Phil didn’t think he could make it to then. He had no one, and the only someone that would fix this was Dan.

It was the last day of school. Dan could feel how unhappy Phil was, seeing it in his face, and mirroring it in sympathy. He didn’t know why the boy was sad, for he didn’t know about Dan’s plan never to talk to him again. Only, maybe, that plan wasn’t going to be put into action at all anymore. His mother had told him that he shouldn’t put him through that, no matter how in love with him he was. The more relieving side of the talk was when she told him that she would support him no matter his sexuality.

Thinking of the darkened expression on his best friend’s face, Dan decided that those little shits who wrote all those break up songs didn’t know shit. They would say things like, “I wish we had never loved at all.” Did they realise that this hurt so much worse? Not getting any love in return for the unimaginable amount of love they feel is worse; Dan would bet his life on that. Only, Dan’s life wasn’t worth much to him anymore.

“Dan,” Rose yelled up the stairs, her voice echoing in the staircase, “Phil is here to see you.” Dan had just finished getting out of his graduation gown, dressing up in something more comfortable for the party his mother was throwing him downstairs. He threw his graduation cap around, catching it one hand, and throwing it to the other. A knock from his door startled him, causing him to drop the cap.

“Come in,” Dan shouted, gathering himself to look a bit better for Phil. Even if there was no hope, he tried to look good in front of him. His door opened, revealing the beautiful faced boy behind it. His face was wrecked with rivers of tears, and even a bit of snot under his nose. Dan wanted to hug him, and for once, Dan did what he wanted. Pulling the boy into his room, he used one hand to shut his door behind him, and one to pull Phil into the most intense hug either had been involved in until that moment. “Why are you crying?”

Phil looked up, pulling away from their hug just enough to lean his weight on Dan, and still look at him as he spoke. “I know we always had a plan for after graduation. We would never leave sooner than three months after graduation, and we would try to live with each other near college instead of using dorms. We had all those silly little hopes, and I believed that we could do all of them.”

Dan’s heart was beating too fast to be comfortable, and tears were already threatening to spill. “Why are you telling me all of this?” Phil looked down guiltily, hugging the elder with all his might.

“I’m moving to Ohio.”

A week. He hated marking it on the calender, knowing that this was his life now. Marking the calender, and wondering how it could have possibly felt that much longer than it actually had been. He missed Dan.

Phil had been gone for a week. Rose could sense that her son was not okay; It radiated from him. She felt terrible every time she walked past his door, only to hear him crying out. He would hug his pillow, pretending it was Phil. It didn’t have limbs to tangle with his, or lips to kiss, and laugh, and speak brilliant words. The pillow wasn’t a state away, though, so he would hug it like it would bring him back.

It was his fault. Him being horrible to Phil had caused him to break, and when he couldn’t handle anymore of it, he moved far enough away from him that he couldn’t hurt him anymore. His absence hurt so much worse than being with with him, and knowing he could never be with him.

He listened to Darling I Do on repeat for the entirety of his week, going as far as to learn every word, and sing it to Phil in his head. He had become dependent on having control of his situation with Phil, and now that Phil could come and go as he pleased, he couldn’t handle it. He should have known using Phil like that, speaking to him, or ignoring him whenever he liked, would come back to bight him in the ass.

Finally, Rose had had enough. She knew both boys were hurting, so she decided she would be the superhero that saved the unbelievably stupid victims. Pulling her keys from the hook in the kitchen, she yelled for her son to pack a bag. When Dan heard the words, he thought his heartbreak had somehow affected his hearing. What did she mean? He pulled himself from bed, carrying his pillow with him. He held it to his side like it was his baby as he asked his mum what the hell she meant.

“I am driving you to Poland, Ohio. You are going to go into the boy’s flat, and tell him you love him, and I am going to get a hotel that you may only come back to if he rejects you. Understood?” Dan laughed.

“You are joking, right?” Dan stood, completely shocked, as his mother shook her head. The sun had set an hour ago, yet his mother was proposing a seven hour road trip, at the end of which he would confess his undying love to his best friend. There was no fucking way. “No!”

“Alright. I’ll just call Phil, who I know you blocked, by the way. I unblocked him, you sneaky little shit. I will tell him you are crying out his name in between sobs, and that you have been intensely, and passionately in love with him for god knows how long.”

“Two year- that is not the point! The point is, you have no right to blackmail me, especially when this could ruin my life.” Rose rolled her eyes.

“He is in love with you, so all will be well. You are eighteen, Dan, I shouldn’t have to tell you he is in love with you; it is very obvious.” Dan blushed, ducking his head, and sighing defeatedly.

“Fine, but I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing this just in case he actually does love me, which I don’t see why he would.” Dan walked off, feeling quite horrified to live out the next few hours of his life.

They were in the car. They had been for three hours, but Dan had just woken up from a nap that lasted for two of them. He knew they still had four hours left, but he couldn’t wait.

“Can I borrow your phone?” Rose rolled her eyes, grabbing the phone from her pocket, and mumbling something about him being obsessed. “Thank you.” Dan knew he couldn’t tell Phil he was coming, as he wanted it to be a surprise, so he decided he would just pretend like he called because he missed him. I mean, that was definitely true, if only a bit sneaky. After three rings, Phil picked up.

“Hello?” Phil asked, his voice sounding aged by fatigue, and hours of crying.

“Hey, Phil. I’ve missed you.” Dan’s heart grew, and his face was attacked with a round of smiles as he heard Phil giggle on the other line.

“I’ve missed you, too. Is that why you called? Or do you have something else to say?”

“No; I just wanted to hear your voice. I haven’t heard it in a few days, and I miss having you here so I can hear it whenever.”

“Just because I’m not there doesn’t mean you can’t hear my voice whenever you want. Call me at any time.”

“You can’t always answer.”

“I’ll just always be near the phone,” Phil joked, giggling to let Dan know he wasn’t serious.

“Alright. I still miss you, though, no matter how many phone calls you promise me. You are my best friend.” Rose laughed from beside him, mockingly chanting the word ‘lovebirds.’

“I wish you wouldn’t. I hate to think of you hurting just because of me.”

“The lack of your presence is the most justifiable reason for pain anyone has ever given.” And in that moment, Dan realised something. In all of this pain, he had forgotten about what had originally caused it: religion. He realised he’d let it lose its importance, because, really, Phil was what was important, not some idiot in the sky.

“Well I am positive that is not true, seeing as I know for a fact that it is the lack of your presence,” Phil defended weakly. And so it went on, a true reunion of soul mates in the passenger seat of a Chevy driving down the highway at three a.m.

Dan talked to Phil for another hour, and a half before Rose made Dan drive for a bit so she could rest. Dan let her take the phone from his hand angrily, and she just smiled at him. He really was in love. He didn’t care that she knew it, he barely cared the God knew it, and honestly, if it meant having Phil, he would scream it from every rooftop on every street in every neighbourhood, in ever town, in every city, in every country, on every single continent on any planet this universe could create.

After driving for what felt like an eternity, a little broken down shop appeared ahead, with a cute, cosy looking sign that said, in calm, neutral coloured letters: ‘Welcome To Poland.’ If Dan’s heart could have bursted from his chest in that moment, it would have. Luckily, he was in good enough health for it not to do that.

“Mum, oh my god!” He screamed, waking her up with both his volume, and his bouncing. He stopped bouncing when he hit his head on the roof of the car, but lost no enthusiasm. “Mum, we are here. Wake your ass- pardon my language- up!” Rose giggled, deciding to live in the moment.

“YAYYYYYYYYYYY!” She screamed wildly, flailing her limbs around violently. “OHHHH MYYYY GOOOOD!” Dan made a pouty face, looking back at the road.

“No need to make fun of me…” Rose giggled again, pointing him in the right direction when they reached turns with direction from her phone’s GPS. Dan would obediently follow her every direction, knowing it brought him closer to Phil. He suddenly began to panic.

“What if he gets mad that we didn’t warn him we were coming?”

“He will not get mad.” That boy worried way too much.

“But what if he met someone else?”

“He loves you too much to do that.”

“How do you know?”

“The way he looks at you, the way he talks about you… You know, that stuff.”

“THAT’S ALL?”

“Yeah…”

“So I am risking my friendship, my life, my everything, because of the way he looks at me, and talks about me. Mum, this is not good.” Rose rolled her eyes, as she most often did. It was her go-to response.

“Sweety, it is okay. I promise, he is in love with you. Now, turn left on Winsborough Drive.” Dan nodded nervously, wiping a tear from under his eyes, and doing as she told him. “Oh, you are crying? I feel bad.” Suddenly, Dan was full on crying.

“Well, yeah! I am scared.”

“Don’t be. If he says he isn’t in love with you, he is lying. He is definitely going to freaking tackle you.”

“WHHHAAAT? Like, fight me?”

“No, Dan. I mean that in a sexual way.” Dan blushed, his skin burning hot with embarrassment. And then they were there, and Dan had no more time to ask for advice, as his mother pushed him out of the car. “Go get ‘em tiger.”

The doorbell was warm under his finger, and it was quite possibly the best noise he’d heard in a week. As Phil’s voice came from the other side of the door, Dan immediately decided that it was his favourite sound instead. “Who is it?”

“Dan.”

“WHAT?” The door was thrown open, revealing a blushing, very excited Dan. Phil was immediately crying, pulling Dan into him so that no bit of Dan was not touched by Phil in some way or another. “What are you doing here?” Dan could feel his mothers stare eating through his back.

“I’ll explain, but could we go in. I feel like mom is a little too into watching us talk.” Phil giggled, grabbing Dan’s hand, and pulling him into the house similarly to how Dan had the day Phil told him he was leaving. After offering him any drink he wanted (“Seriously, I’ll go buy the drink if I don’t have it,” Phil had said), they sat on Phil’s floor, his couch sitting incomplete in the corner, the wooden pieces, and the nails scattered across the floorboards.

“So, what the hell?” Dan remembered what his mum said. The only way Dan was returning to the hotel with her was if he was rejected. Sure, he could not tell him, and just say he rejected him, or simply stay with him, and not say anything, but then the trip would be pointless. So, he would start from the beginning.

“Two years ago, I started having this feeling that I resented more than anything in the world.” Phil looked completely dumbfounded as to why Dan would be using this to explain why he was here. “I continued to feel it, and it caused me to start ignoring you. I would get so mad at myself, and, saying it now makes me realise how stupid it was, mad at you. It kept getting worse, and as I think you could tell, it was at its worse when you left. I couldn’t handle the guilt that came with that.

“I missed you, so that is part of it, but mostly it’s that feeling. I had to come here because I was crying myself to sleep over that goddamn feeling.” Phil wiped away a tear from his eye. “I am so in love with you, Phil.” Phil smiled, an inhuman squeal erupting from his lips. He tugged Dan forward, less than an inch of very unwanted space between them. Phil looked to his lips for confirmation. The room was suddenly filled to the brim with an intense sense of fragility, whether it be the perfection of the moment, or the boys themselves.

And then their lips met. The silkiness of the other’s lips on theirs was overwhelming, just as much so as the feeling of Phil’s body against his. The oxygen in the room might as well have been poisonous, for taking the tiniest break to breath it in was comparable to hell. Finally, after what could never be enough time taken to kiss, they parted.

“I love you,” Phil said, his face so close to Dan’s that their noses touched.

“And god do I love you.” At that moment, a knock echoed through the bare apartment. They both got up to answer it, as Dan wouldn’t let Phil walk away from him long enough to answer the door by himself.

“So I take it I won’t be taking you back to the hotel with me,” Rose questioned, smirking at the arm Phil had around Dan. She knew very well who was going to top that night.

#dpss2k16 #eachmisfire #phandom

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