al-live

[al-live]

Let me whisper a secret.

When you get older, ways you had to survive sit within you. Once you had to fight but maybe not much anymore. Maybe you had to stay silent and now you can speak.

Still, there are things. There will always be things and you work through and around them one by one. Thats what I've tried to do for years. A human is a lifelong student if you're doing it right. A thing that is not finished being worked through is no longer just a thing after some time. It's a trigger. Mine results in fight or flight.

The problem is not just the fight or flight; they can be accurate even if only proven later in time. The problem is knowing the level of threat to respond to.

I got a broke meter and I reckon, since february, I got a tempermental pulse. Anxiety? Ha! Find a better word to give someone a made up, trash diagnosis. When my pulse hits, I'm starving and weak and unregulated. Or I have indigestion and my whole body is lightin' up like a pinball machine- rejecting what I ate maybe because it cant break it down and it's poisoning me. Maybe PRESSURE to juggle things like a normal person? Maybe. Not the unrelated and over diagnosed "Anxiety". Do people even know the difference? They do when youre old. They don't when you're young.

The councilor (referred by a carless doctor to do med management with me and not even try talk therapy first) told me noone would touch me with scope if I didnt take the anxiety meds first and rule it out. So I finally remebered to take them. I started last week and guess what?

My body is still fucked up! Colon, kidney, and something else. And i have long known some of my neighbours would creep on my room and that someone use to chase me home everyday on the free way from my old job. Wouldnt you know it! I could still feel them spying on my while taking the medication. I even found out that the car that use to follow me home every day is one of three people in my building that apparently use to work at one of my old jobs as a seasonal warehouse associate. They knew me and my face and I dont really know theres except one who got kicked off a picker machine for bumping into something. Even then, I didnt really know him or his name.

They are so desperate for attention. For a while, one of them would wait till I had to go out to my car and leave to try and catch me at the same time for about 2 months after I no longer worked at the warehouse. One of them (a girl) would purposely open her door to eaves drop if she could hear me talking in MY apartment. Another one (a boy) one time got so desperate for attention- despite me trying to hurry to my car so Im not late for work- he purposely stood out side the exist so id have to see him on my way out. I almost didnt. He blended into the dark morning and almost got smacked by the door.

I am no longer taking peoples oppinions about my life or my "paranoia" Fuck off.

#al-live #ohio #blackgirl #nature #april #paranoia #olanzapine #apartment #diary #spring

[al-live]

April 27th, 2024

Perhaps the difference is between lacking and effort. Not lacking and perfection.

Perhaps that small difference can be felt with such reverberating force that it feels light years wide. It feels like the space between nothing and the absoluteness of perfection.

Perhaps that reverberation bleeds into emotion and then spite is born like a dark venus from a burning sea foam.

#al-live #ohio #nature #poetry #blackgirl #april #spring #burning ocean #birth of venus #sea foam #social justice

[al-live]

Decenter yourselves in this space.

I present my world (once again) in hot summer coquette fashion- wrapped up in the phase I went through watching Grease as a world seeking teen... Just raw audio of the first verse and chorus (be warned).

But remember kids, there can be many works depicting one time period; From a single person or from multiple and because the ability to create a world within a world is not universal, neither are the outcomes.

-Al

FEBRUARY 2024

#cinema #grease #al-live #ohio #poetry #nature #april #music #park #city park #childhood #] #coquette #hot summer nights #baseball #youth

[al-live]

Not every crime is murder. Not every boundary is shared. Not every secret is hidden. Not every distance needs to be miles to be there. Not every exchange is deep- or two sided. Not every silence is scary when freewill is declared just because it is unrequited. Free will. Free as we will but ofcourse never unless an elder can provide it? They do deny it. Yes they do deny it.

#al-live #nature #ohio #poetry #blackgirl #april #family #tradition

[al-live]

The negativity you harbour against a group of people for fear of their judgement- even in their silence- is judgement of your self. Everywhere you go you take youself, they say, and while others may make error in the honest persuit of a better world and judge themselves in that reguard, others whos pursuits (many as they are) that seek to relieve pressure can be quite insecure and completely pivot in the opposite direction in rebellion. A mission of contrary rebellion against a mission of dyer survival.

[al-live]

People would ask me why I listened to such sad music back in school as if people don't get sad? But honestly alot of alternative sad music was really well made lyrically and sonically.

[al-live]

Being around people more than my spirit permisses makes me insane long before I realize it. I always have to relearn and readjust as a natural introvert. The volumes are simply too loud and in stereo.

[al-live]

Had to repost with a better version of my amature guitar playing. Shoulda used this one first.*****

I wrote this in the hills of a rich Wyoming neighbourhood while I was crashing with a doctor and her tech husband for a while. Me of a few months before then could have guessed anywhere and would have never guessed there. My life feels like a slow movie sometimes. I tried to be good and normal. But I am neurodivergent and traumatised. The best I could do was isolation, babbling, and wierd statements.

I was far from everything I knew and couldnt find a place of my own in a tourist town that could barely house it's working class and barely understand a black, ohio girl. I guess i felt a little lost, out of place, and fleetingly lonely.

Lyrics on seperate video. This ones called "Where are you now"

[al-live]

Signature scent of this era.

**********************

I was so happy to find the exact type of scent I wanted from a brand not on the BDS and I adore it. I do, however, feel frivalous for the price I paid in hind site. I have a keen eye for style and a good deal but def have a bit of shopping anxiety from the state of the world and the days when I didnt have too much to eat etc. Juxtapose to that, I dont get much dopamine, I assume, because i get near pixie like some days when I go shopping at a place with truly great stuff that I want and need.

#bds #al-live #ohio #poetry #nature #blackgirl #april #pure grace #aldehyde #soapy #vintage #refine #elegant #clean #bath #frilly #white dress #dress #regency #1940s #1950s #spring #2024

[al-live]

I got this beautiful white dress from a consignment shop.

#al-live #ohio #nature #blackgirl #poetry #april #mr darcy #pride and prejudice #elizabeth bennet #wedding #dream #girlhood #white dress #twirl #jane austen #ballerina #ball #ball room #spring #girl

[al-live]

REGULATORSSSSS (neurodivergents that dont stfu and keep interrupting people on accident unless theyre uncomfy or in danger mode) MOUND UP!!

#regulators #al-live #blackgirl #ohio #music #nate dogg #warren g #hip hop & RnB

[al-live]

The morning woke softly, with a grin stretched across golden, peach flushed cheeks. Its eyes of dazey blue still dim with sleep.

#al-live #poetry #nature #ohio #music #blackgirl #morning #grin #smile #peachy glow #peach and gold #blue #sunrise #dawn #commute

[al-live]

Favorite european myth hands down is Cupid and Psyche.

#al-live #ohio #nature #music #april #2024 #cupid and psyche

[al-live]

She doesnt truly support Palestine and the "question for the culture" thing should have been the last straw. She is one of those once in a lifetime artists but this time she cant come back. I even had a funeral of my stan hood in 2020 when she lost her damn mind on twitter (not the kanye thing because she was right that time). So i had to leave her behind and will no longer support her with any purchases. i just bootleg if i have to but i honestly own every album she ever made or have it saved somewhere.

But god damn if this women didnt sing my soul sometimes. Im glad i got this album a few years ago when it first dropped. Same with her more recent album but damn. Another one bites the dust.

[al-live]

A Wash in Thyme. A strange mid summer nights dream. Summer 2021. Part (3/3)

In the gratto, on damp stone floors, we collect into a formation. I am in a realm outside my own understanding but feel no nefarious intention from this person. They stand behind me, respectfully, and there is a slim, tall bird bath-like thing next to us. In it, is a bowl- like scalloped china- holding a concoction I cannot yet make out.

First, I am anointed. It smells oily but clean and green as he drew a line across my forehead. He then poured some of it on me- with the dress on. I feel it running down my back soaking through to my skin. He puts the bowl down and scoops by hand now, pouring hand fulls of water carefully on my shoulders but it runs off before it gets too far. Where was I? How did I get here? Who was this strange man and what was this…ritual of theirs? I was at complete ease. I could feel that I never wanted to be anywhere else for all of the rest of time. He should never be too far from me and yet I knew he truly was only trying to help me in some way and was careful to distance himself from me as well as the situation at hand so not to get too involved or exposed outside of his dwelling.

He pours another hand full on my shoulder and tries to massage the water down my upper arm quickly before it runs off. and I reach back and grab his left hand. The scene of it all was so strange and I was compelled to- just to touch him. He isnt passive and he takes my hand and continues to work with only his right. A mirror like vision of myself appears before us and I think that I must look a mess. He pours the water on my hair and he massages it in tenderly. I try and smooth the edge of my hair line and beautiful spirals as numerous as those of Vincent Van Gophs brush strokes in a Starry Night spring from the resiliant locks.

I lean forward to see what the water was. It was green with a bit of olive oil and grassy with maybe small heads of tiny light pinkish flowers in it. No, not grassy…Mostly, It was thyme. I cupped a handfull of the herbal bath to help clean my fore arms where he couldnt reach without feeling invasive and then poured down the front of my collarbones and dress. He grabs a hand full more and gently rubs it in to the side of my face making sure to collect and wipe away the thyme as he goes now.

He continues with my hair and I can feel its wait change like hair does when it floats on foam and suds even just with the herbal bath. As I finish messing with some stray waves and spirals, I thought, I didnt look too bad for running through the woods in peril but that I didnt look like my self. I feel the weight of clean rinsed hair and then I feel his finger curling, carefully, around a small chunk of hair and laying it forward on top of my right brow and eye like it was beautiful there.

Too soon, I was done, and he was present yet very resigned. His core goal still intact. He wanted to lead me away from the structure back to safety. We just had to leave now. My hunters were still in it, the man told me. I think, Maybe they were lost?

I followed him with the attachment of unmoving trust, relinquishing control of my safety to this otherworldly, incredidible person. Quietly- diligently, he led me through the rooms and door ways from which we'd come and then some. He grabs my hand, making sure I am with him as we quicken our pace and then he let it go and stilled to focus.

We heard a creek.

We sensed the women near by. I didnt look to him. I looked to a pile of towels and blankets between the side of an old, broken, pale blue recliner and a wall. They exchanged words from different rooms. He is concealing my presence and I stayed quiet. I didn't think I could hide this time but I fled to the pile and let it swallow me up. I peek out.

She comes in and he plays it cool. She cant tell if he knows me or not. She looks around a bit from where she stood. Bless him, he was strong and relaxed. More words are exchanged and when she is distracted, I run and she catches only my shadow as I find my way out of the structure, through the woods, and down the hill once more. Whether I had alluded her all together or just for moment I could not tell and it will never be known.

because a rowdy neighbour woke me.

#al-live #poetry #nature #april #songwriter #ohio #spring #prose #dream #thyme #spells #herbal bath #tea #otherworldly #linen fabric #summer rain #hero #bath #curls #cottage #buck bothered and bewildered #grotto #countryside #train #spirit #oil lamp #olive oil #cupid and psyche #courtyard #anointing

[al-live]

A Wash in Thyme- strange mid summer nights dream- Summer 2021 (Part 2/3)

When help came we were taken to some facility high on a platform somewhere, just off site from the wreckage. They were going to help us sue and it was no deep thing because it was no contest, evidently.

I could feel the hunt in the eyes of the conductor and some woman that championed his cause somewhere near us. I got out of there, with my brother, as calmly but surely as possible.

Suddenly, my brother disappeared but he wasn't in danger. I could tell. No. THEY were chasing ME, the conductor and the mystery woman, across a grassy field and up a high hill. I could feel my breath harden has I climbed it. About 4/5 yards behind was the conductor and that woman. The steep, grassy hill opened to sparse woods and I barreled in. They followed me through the woods which opened to the front of some building structure. The surrounding area -its vegitation, wood, and stone- looked as if it had a private sprinkle of warm rain sometime before I got there. The daylight shined but was a darker, mystier blue and a light spray of dew weighed on many surfaces.

The structure reminded me of a lily green and pale blue court yard. It was in the center of a home that was built in two halves that were their own front and back wings. The place was clearly old and I didnt see my persuers behind me yet. I thought maybe they hadn't known about the house. I took it in for just a millisecond more and then rushed inside the dim, falling apart back structure.

They found the house, soon after, and were following me feverishly through its first room but not quite fast enough to catch me. I lose them in another room and am suddenly being pulled by a man I do not know.

He was young, like all of us from the train but he belonged to the remains of this house. He grabs my hand and leads me deeper into the house, evading the women twice. We are too deep down a twist of rooms and doorways to be found.

Crumbling wood beams and floorboards, frayed linen curtains, and destroyed remains of cushioned and wooden chairs set the scene of days past and ended right before a damp gratto the room was attached to. We are safe.

He tells me so.

Something about the inside of the house and the gratto was different from outside. Just as much old cottage charm but more organic and with a warm spirit despite the situation at hand. He gives me a long, linen dress (a change from my dirty, ash and rust laden clothes) and It does feel oddly fitting to the scene as I change quickly. He tells me I should get cleaned up but I was already newly dressed. How did he mean if he himself very well knew this?

#al-live #poetry #dream #pretty dress #nature #blackgirl #ohio #music #prose #spring #summer #april #thunder storm #thyme #spell #lily pond #atonement

[al-live]

A Wash in Thyme- strange mid summer nights dream in late summer 2021. Part (1/3)

I had a dream that had my eyes veiled and my salts and bottles at the ready.

That night, I fell alseep, wracked with waves and gusts of missing something and nothing in particular all at once. I just knew that I'd dream deeply. However, I didn't know if I'd dream of any clarity.

but.... .

.. There were many of us. We werent in school but we all, in our young adulthoods, flocked together- sheparded by someone I could not remember. We took a train to a fuzzy place (this dream not yet clear) but after finishing our visit, we all filled another train. It took no time for everything- including the train- to go left.

My little brother- light of my life- was among us on that train, though he was younger. I saw the track the train pulled out on and it was like a t.v. trays width, roller coaster track beneath the much wider, heavy iron and moaning rust of the train. I felt the jolting and the turbulance as we climbed and creeped up the track and I knew we couldnt make it.

I tried to secure my brother and see if anyone else noticed. We all did but had not a clue what to do. We were all murmering and yelling that we were going to fall and so I yelled for everyone to "get on the right of the trai-"

I see the train tip off the track.....

......I try and keep my brother close (what little control I had) but none of us knew how to react. We're all screaming and falling......... Theres no air blowing us about like the movies. All you feel is the entire gravity and force of the trains weight pushing us down and my stomach was in shambles.

We fell so hard- screaming- for so long and I tried calculating the feet we fell while simutaneously just wanting it to stop. Could we even survive? A dim thought in the back of my mind. I thought of when I used to wonder if jumping at the last second, when in a falling elevator, could save you from the impact of hitting the ground floor. I tell everyone jump! Jump! Right before it hits the ground! but it's just me and my brother jumping. Still we fall...and have time to jump three times and then we hit the ground.

The trains structure collapsed but still held some shape as we spilled out every where inside its cramped space and hung out- injured- of its new and old openings. Its devasting. Its traumatizing. I cant believe we survived. I cant believe the conductor thought that it would work. I am calm.

Im not sure, because I didnt look back, but I get the sense that everyone survived. So I grab my brother with dirty ashen hands and lead us both out of the wreckage telling him "Dont worry. We'll just sue".

That put a target on my back, especially when help came and was on our side.

#al-live #ohio #nature #poetry #blackgirl #april #thyme #spell #lily pond #atonement #train #prose #dream #summer