jonestheruler
jonesismyhomie
I like my eyelashes as black as my heart and as long as the list of people I would like to punch (a little) in the face?! -These words are not mine but the interwebs Ask
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when they make them feel like they have to apologize for their mental health issues, they don't know what to do.
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tell me something, after you haven't seem him for say a year, when you do, do you feel the same way you did when you saw me back then? now, i know it is different; inevitable he says and explains some shit with m&m's in a jar representing sex encounters. and there goes the brainwave...
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consequences
what are the damn consequences?
if it is not about the money or about the car, then what?
the consequences of speeding?
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piece of shit
it's been a while since she felt like a piece of shit, however that may feel... the thought though, is all that it takes... you are a piece of shit with zero control and barely care for yourself. she has not felt this way in some time and fuck it hurts. she thought she was finally at a point where things MIGHT get a little better or a little easier, less stressful... no drama. she's always wrong.
all she wants to do is self harm. it's the better feeling between feeling like a piece of shit and reality... self-harm. she never thought she would fall victim to such a thing but it has intrigued her since she first heard of it. it makes so much sense. cut yourself, self harm... a way to cope with whatever the fuck you're going through that is absolutely negative and make you want to disappear. forever.
she reads these awful messages while she sits at her desk... she feels the tears... she feels the hate.. the disdain.. the disappointment and a person giving up on her. whatever, he says. i'm over it, he says. change your behaviour, he says.
all she wants to do is self harm.
she's already had a problem trying to fit in, feel worthy and adequate... having to feel these things while struggling to be the other part of a relationship has been trying. she feels it everyday. she feels it when she sleeps and even when she (thinks) is happy.
her mind is consumed with grief.
all she wants to do is self harm.
#wordsarepowerful#stayawake#survive#love#marriage#relationships#toxicity#bullshit#hate#cut#selfharm#life
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#life#cannabisandcoffee#cannibas#maryjane#zigzag#raw#backyard#swingbench#outdoors#outside#gooutdoors#gooutside
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she sits on her swing and stares into the grey but bright sky, through trees and leaves...the sounds of the birds, cars, pool pumps and central air appliances...
it is a new week and the weekend was a success. mostly. the sky was greay and dark one day then sunny and bright the next. she goes out to meditate and collect her thoughts so when she drives to work she feels better about what is to come. that was not a success today. today, the thoughts flooded in and through, one after the other. not allowing much room to process, feel or understand. just take it. she sat and let it happen and keep quiet.
she was proud of her accomplishments thus far with regards to the house...her home, that she now owned. and so many ideas, worries, decisions shuffled about in her mind space, next thing she felt was pride. she was extrememly proud of herself - even though this was not a solo act - she has manifested this finality of ever feeling like she has no home or no place to go, a proper place. her own place. she was elated and she celebrated every day since in silence and on occasion out loud for all (but really, no one) to hear. she wanted to talk to her parents. but her parents are no longer avsilable for conversation in the physical sense. she cannot pick up the phone and simply dial a number to reach on the other end a familiar, comforting, warm...living voice. all she can hear now is their vioice through an electronic device . a recording. it is a phone call no longer in order.
whoosh... her eyes well up with hot liquid and she tries to hold them there (jedi crybaby mind tricks) ...she grabs her dress so she can place a small section of it near her ducts and collects one tear at a time. it would be a sad sight to see.. she lifts her head and tries to think happy thoughts but it was too late. she couldn't stop crying..and it made her late for work. actually, it made her not want to be around anyone else at the moment. she wasn't late, she called in late.. she didn't want her mood to have any opening to become worse in any way; be it stress, anxiety or just plain annoyance.
she wasn't even sure what she'd say to her parents about her current awesomeness. maybe, it would just come to her when she heard a voice at the other end. she bought a house, survived a car accident, has a family and a dog and trying to still maintain a full time job. a lot of things she couldn't share any longer. things that would have meant so much to them; knowing their kid did a decent job :) because this one, this one has gone through some stuff and they knew some of it. they experienced some if it and then had to endure some of it. but they did and they were still the loving parents they had enough energy to be.
come on wind, she thinks... make the trees rustle louder to drown out those other thoughts. dogs start barking. she smiles. her eyes are dry and she takes in a huge inhale...
(2021.06.28 // 12:45)
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life in a pile;
dog hair, human hair, cereal, weed, glitter, crumbs, dirt, trash...
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a realization
...you think all is well until you REALIZE it was you that kept the fire alive in that thing called friendship. you weren’t being needy or too much. you were being YOU. ‘they’ weren’t being what you need in your life and that’s okay. realize this now because the honest effort you put forth encouraging the life of that friendship may be for nothing. nothing, now that is. but before, the effort was worth a lot.
you’ve been the one. there really wasn’t much reciprocation. so should you be upset that you’ve not spoken for (looks at calendar...) 6 weeks? a little. because you thought they were real. as real as they claim to be.
you’ve been fooled. maybe. pride vs friendship.
#friendship#notafriend?#supportsystemcrash#supportsystem#realizations#realizethis#reciprocation#life#love#adulting#adulthood#adultrelationships#noworldproblems
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I have been thinking about this delicious snack since May. Thanks @onolicioussnacks for the (ehhxtrahh) great treats 😉🤗 !! #snacks #onolicioustreats #onolicious #bayarea (at Evergreen Park, Illinois) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGThoTSjBZ-oBztBxaIOnNdiPs4B_OF-fkf_4M0/?igshid=q60obo1tgj20
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comparisons
how do you tell someone that they do not compare to your current lover. how would one take that? awfully. it’s a statement that no one woman or man wants to hear - especially when you’ve just broken their hearts and dismissed any future you thought you had... it’s such a low blow that even decent people find harsh. only a person in such a low part of their own being would say this to someone else out of spite, anger, frustration. you were all those things and more. too bad you didn’t open your mouth before this was spit out. she knows she will never compare to her. and that is a fact - not a diss.
fast forward... now it’s all one can do is compare. compare compare compare... the love you felt, had, wanted, needed... to the love you felt before, had before, wanted before and needed before. now you’re stuck in this fucking triangle of webs and lies, betrayal and infidelity, love and sex. does it stop? will it stop?
it’s not really a triangle, it’s all in your head. you want that stupid complexity because you can’t fathom living your life, why not live the life you deserve? but, what exactly is it that you deserve?
compare compare compare. she stares at faces online and can’t help but immediately go to HER face. fuck. asshole. ha. that is so unhealthy but to be honest with yourself is more important than to believe something untrue and hope for the best.
(2020.06.22 // 12:24)
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the truth is...
i do not feel your response as not negative, not annoyed, not vexed or not exhausted. i feel when you respond to certain statements, questions or comments it is how you responded in the past. it has been extremely difficult for me to want to share with you because i fear your response will crush me. again. and now, all you want me to do is share. and this should excite me. i still have reservations in doing so. yet, i feel relieved when i do. your new appreciation to openness spins me in circles with no end. your words have crushed my soul and beat my mind so many times, how can i feel okay or comfortable in sharing my present thoughts? i don’t misinterpret what you say, i just read/hear it in the voice i knew before. the voice attached to the mouth attached to the man that i used to know. you are a new man. you are a new mouth.
the truth is... i am in a constant emotionally charged state. not by choice but by circumstance. you see, i do not know how to love myself right now with the pain i feel inside every single day since 11/28. my mind has not been the same and i do not truly believe it will be ‘right’ again for a while. i do not know how to handle the loss of a parent. and i most certainly do not know how to handle the loss of both parents in a 6 month span. i never expected to feel this for a long time. but, it’s here.. and i have to deal. otherwise, i give in. give into the sorrow, the grief, the overwhelming tears. i let them win. i choose to lose.
the truth is... reconciling feels worse than breaking up. it means that i have to forgive and let go in order to move forward. all over again. i just did that and i did move on. and i was okay. maybe not fully healed, but moving in the right direction. i’m stuck in this dark place of moments that gave me nightmares, make me think i was inadequate and unworthy, and this sad, insecure, jealous little monster with no sense of direction.
the truth is... i want to love you deeply, fully and without doubt. because, that’s how i used to feel for you. your betrayal, dishonesty, anger and inconsideration was like a boulder dropped on my heart and crushed it just enough to let it beat but not enough to let it live properly. you meant everything to me at one point and now... now, sometimes all i can feel is the past. all i can feel is how you felt about her. the words you said to her. the future you planned with her. the vulnerability you gave to her. so quick to let go of one, love another and then let go again and return to me. how do i just be okay with that?
the truth is... i know how my thoughts of her impact me. negatively. i want to let go. move on. erase or shove her in a tiny little box and compartmentalize her just like the others. but, i can’t. she was the one out of many, that you LOVED. truly, madly, deeply loved. i do not want to think of her, talk of her, see her face in other women. but, i do... and i can’t help it right now. i have no reasoning to it other than i’ve reverted back to my old self sabotaging ways. because, maybe, right now, your love and support is too much for me. because, maybe, i still do not know who you are and what you did with your other self. and maybe i feel like punishing myself for letting you back in is a way to get past her and your relationship. your love. it does not make or help me move forward and sometimes i feel like i’m dancing with myself; moving forward, backward, forward, backward...until i finally stop.
the truth is... when i think of her, i think of you and i don’t want to move forward because i don’t truly believe you’ve moved on. i need a constant reminder that i am human and thinking of the past is destructive. bringing up conversations of women used to be a trigger for you and now, it’s not. i guess, it’s just harder for me to accept certain truths if i had such a negative experience with them in the past.
the truth is... i’ve been overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed out, anxious, depressed and lonely for months. it doesn’t mean that i don’t see you when you’re in front of my eyes. it doesn’t mean i don’t feel you when you graze my cheek with your fingertip. it doesn’t mean i don’t appreciate your love when all you do is offer it daily. it just means that i am struggling each day to keep my shit together. to get out of bed and live my life. to put clothes on, eat, smile and actually do work at work.
the truth is... i struggle every day because i feel broken. there is a pain in the pit of stomach that makes me feel everything. there is a pain in my chest that feels like someone is next to me 24/7 taking blows like it’s their mission. there is a pain behind my eyes from crying tears everyday because i have no choice but to let them flow. there is pain in my head that reminds me everyday how much i’ve lost in such a short amount of time.
the truth is... i had a 90 minute tele-session with my therapist tonight and spoke mostly of you...her... and me; how to remove her from my thoughts, how to best take that courageous step forward and free myself. and how to love you truly and regain the trust i lost for you. i’ve taken back the pieces of my old wall that you broke down when we first shared love...and am slowly building it back up for protection. i cannot let you drop kick my life and emotions into another state and you not think twice about it. i am stronger than that. i need to be stronger than that.
the truth is... a fucking false sense of hope and a reality that haunts my current existence.
(2020.06.23 // 1:34)
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changes
she felt all her feels when they started reconciling and it was amazing. she got used to it. she thought it'd be the new new her/them. things changed so quickly in just a couple months. it reminded her of them before and how things took that turn for the worse. her instincts flash back to being guarded and not letting her back in so easily and simply. now she got what she wanted and she’s back in the house, clothes back in the room, etc.. why try anymore? it's that same mundane heteronormativity that most couples live and/or go through when the excitement fades. they have been through it twice, or at least she has. she cannot ask for consistency from her because she cannot give it to her herself right now.
is it the roller coaster love fest she wants to be enveloped in without worries or concern? she doesn’t know if she can handle that all over again in a different light, or in a different time. “this time should be different”, she says to herself. this time, we do things right and properly - to OUR standards.
(2020.06.22 // 12:18)
#relationshipgoals#relationships#love#life#lovers#adulting#adulthood#nonmonogamy#poly#polyamarous#reconciliation
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hall mark reminders
thinking of you today while i try to dry these tears that have drowned my soul since (you left me) i got out of bed. i'm not a huge believer of "hallmark days" but understand the reason behind its creation.
so, today, as it doesn't mean as much as it does for others, is still a reminder that i do not have a father (that is my own) to call today... and trying to "get through" this day is going to take a shitload of strength and tears.
(2020.06.21 written / posted on 22nd)
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reject your self injury
marcus aurelio
#be kind to youself#be gentle with yourself#selflove#self improvement#self importance#love yourself#livelife
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i say this, you say that?
2020.06.11:
Man: hi, how ya doin?
Employee: Oh, livin' the dream.
Me... in the elevator listening to their exchange before the doors close.. that was the shittiest response at 10 in the morning from someone representing the workplace to an outsider. are you serious? was SHE serious? i was in the elevator thinking of how i would receive such a response; her tone, her mood (when i came upon her, it was eh), she was masked so i couldn't read her eyes. the gentleman was friendly enough to respond with something honest but a little comedic. if you’re not having a great morning, do us all a favor and keep it to yourself. thank you.
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crossfit or fucked
Last week, on a phone call with several CrossFit gym owners, the WOD designer Greg Glassman told a Minneapolis affiliate: “We’re not mourning for George Floyd—I don’t think me or any of my staff are. Can you tell me why I should mourn for him? Other than that it’s the ‘white’ thing to do—other than that, give me another reason.”
Person: Greg Glassman
Job: Founder/CEO of CrossFit
Date: June 9, 2020
so, QUESTION... how do you disassociate yourself with this man? stop doing crossfit workouts? don’t patron crossfit gyms?
ALL of this is surfacing differently. FINALLY.
(2020.06.10 // 17:56)
#insensitive#disgusting#america#americans#fuckcrossfit#idiocy#blm#blacklivesmatter#black lives matter#what a dick
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