Alfred Pennyworth Headcanons
Alfred had always thought that he was never anyone to write home about.
Mild, unassuming, unerringly proper, he was the quintessential everyman. It’s what made him such an excellent spy.
He saw the fall of the Berlin Wall. He watched Nixon leave in disgrace. He reported everything back to his superiors, and called it a job well done.
Then his next assignment came in.
Watch over Thomas Wayne.
Alfred did his job. He watched over his young master dutifully, reporting his movements back. He was a good man. This, Alfred believed with his whole heart.
He watched Thomas marry Martha Kane. Now is the time, his superiors said, watch them. The Kane family is no good. No good at all.
But Martha was good. Sweet, graceful, and glad to be a Wayne, no longer Martha Kane. Then Bruce was born, Alfred fell head over heels in love with the bonny boy. He told his bosses that nothing was amiss. The Waynes were fine.
And then they weren’t.
Alfred mourned them - his little family. He took Bruce into his arms, and his heart. He reported back to his superiors the name of Joe Chill.
The next month, Andrew Kane was found dead in his sleep.
Alfred made a note of it, and closed the case, satisfied. He had more pressing duties now.
Look after the boy, his superiors said.
Alfred Pennyworth left, his parting words to his bosses being, I don’t need you to tell me how to parent my son.
Bruce filled Alfred with joy, for he had never known such a wonderful man, so selfless and kind, determined and disciplined. He begged Bruce to give up the cowl, but relented and resolved to support him when it proved to be futile.
Good parents support their children, after all.
But Alfred’s heart hurt to see his son live in the shadows.
Then Bruce gave him grandchildren, and children do not thrive in the dark. They brought light into Bruce’s life, and learned the load on Alfred’s shoulders.
Now, Alfred watches his family contentedly. He watches over Bruce telling Tim of for sneaking out to meet Kon. He watches Dick smother a horrified Damian with affection. He watches Jason try to hide, but fail and fall straight into Dick’s love vortex.
He thinks back to his orders - look after the boy.
Alfred Pennyworth nods to himself, content at a job well done.
Robin Musings, as per John Constantine
aka Magic Boi Extraordinaire, Ph.D. Shark Biology
- Eh what’s this
- It’s smiling at me
- You’re ruining my aesthetic, kid
- Here, put on this trenchcoat
- Much better
- No I haven’t seen your kid, Batman
- This kid is clearly mine
- Hence the trenchcoat
- Hey kid
- Wanna be surly and moody with me
- You have to look into the horizon and appear disillusioned
- Very good
- You’re a natural
- All you need now is a trenchcoat
- Hello munchkin
- You appear to have a natural talent with skulking around
- Ah, you stalked Batman
- Excellent detective work
- Here, I have this tiny trenchcoat for you
- I carry them around now, just in case
- Of course I can create food with magic
- Pancakes? Sure.
- What do you mean, pancakes are fluffy
- Pancakes are thin and flat and taken with sugar and a bit of lemon
- Just like the queen intended
Robin III again
- You need a detective persona
- Mine is surely “surly and British”
- You can be “clever and twinky”
- Whatcha hiding there, kiddo
- It couldn’t be six stay kittens, could it?
- The same six kittens that Batman specifically told you not to bring home?
- You need better sneaking skills
- Here use this trenchcoat
- You can stuff all kinds of things in it and you can never tell from the outside
Robin III again (remix)
- Why exactly do you want to learn how to sneak around
- Oh you want to see your hunky boyfriend
- Batman’s opposed, I take it
- Well first, if you want to sneak effectively, you have to get rid of the sequined thing and sheer booty shorts
what do you think the batbros & their boyfriends first kisses were?
Ooooooohh I have so many thoughts about this!
Dick’s first boyfriend (and eventual husband) is definitely Wally! They are friends, lovers, and don’t need words to understand each other - a little smile, a coy wave, a jiggle of Dick’s booty it’s enough to convey what they hold in their soul.
Jason’s first boyfriend was from the League of Assassins - the Lazarus Pit Pool Boy, whose name is Ezar. They were all over each other and incredibly hormonal, and R'as yelled at them them to quit snogging in the dinner hall. Jason’s long term boyfriend is Roy Harper. They gel a way that is more warm and comfortable, and they both revel in bullying Dick.
(Jason and Roy follow Dick around singing “Jigglybutt” in the tune of Jigglypuffs Song. Dick runs away, but his ass only claps harder at this).
Tim is Kon’s soulmate, and Kon is Tim’s. Tim is constantly trying to lose his purity to Kon, and is constantly being thwarted by an overprotective Bruce. Kon loves that Tim is a genius scheming pixie, and Tim loves Kon’s sweet nature, kind heart, and juicy, bulging, muscles.
Damian is baby, and doesn’t understand romantic entanglements - they are a waste of time. He does, however, chaperone Tim’s dates with Kon on Bruce’s orders. Dami is just happy that Tim is annoyed.
i feel like u will be the only one who understands so- pls picture jason and damian dunking on tim, as one does, but the SECOND anyone else does it they bust out the murder weapons
Timmy is a squeaky evil twink, but God forbid anyone but Jay and Dami point that out.
Once when Bruce got mad Tim and yelled at him, Jason came out of nowhere and slapped Bruce across the face.
HI MY SISTER & I LOVE YOUR ROBIN MUSINGS SM THANN YOU FOR MAKING THEM
Hi fellow brother/sister! Thank you for reading and enjoying them!
What you think about the way batfam is struggling in comics? Bad dad Bruce, ric, evil Damian, poor Batgirl stories, "Drake"
Argh forsooth, for I do despise DC for giving such poor characterization unto the Bats!
May the writers (cursed be their pens) experience constipation for the pain they have given us.
Robin Musings by Leslie Thompkins???
What an idea!
i was just thinking, have you tried cyborg, donna troy, hawk and dove, bane, or flashpoint batman yet? because if you do that it would make my month. plus i like the rob musings, they are SUPER funny. keep it up.
Aww thanks! Definitely adding them to the idea bin!
I have a feeling that Damian would like Panic At The Disco. If you don’t know who the band is YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO THEM THEY ARE SO GOOD!!!
OK I WILL LISTEN TO THEM!!! THANKS FOR THE RECOMMENDATION FRIEND!!
no idea if you've done her already but robin first impressions donna troy version? oo oo or constantine maybe
Constantine! OMG that’s brilliant!
I was re-reading some Robin musings, which I love, and just got struck by a thought. Will you... will you have to do "Robin III (yet again)" after Damian now Tim's back in the Robin mantle?
Loool probably, it’s pretty mad that DC messed up Damian’s arc so badly. Guess it’s up to fandom to fix it, eh?
Robin Musings, as per Ace The Bathound
aka Ace Wayne, Seven Time Winner of Best Dog Monthly in the Gotham Gazette
- Bruce got a puppy!
- I am now a grand-dog
- This is my first grand-pup
- I need to train you to protect Bruce
- He’s super old
- Be kind to him in his advanced age, grand-pup
- Rub his belly often so that he feels loved
- Why is puppy covered in dirt
- Come, let us jump in the pool
- What are you doing with that cloth
- Towels are inferior drying devices
- All you have to do is shake vigorously
- The fact that we just soaked Bruce is collateral damage
- The puppy is lonely!
- Quick, rub my tummy to activate companionship!
- Wait, what was that in the sky
- An alien mutt dares to court my grandpup!
- Away ye cur!
- Leave my delicate grandpup alone!
- Finally, someone as energetic as me!
- Let’s go howl at Bruce
- Excellent howling, young pup!
- Tim-pup only howls for the Kon-mutt
- We howl for Justice
- And food
Robin III again
- The Kon-mutt is back!
- Alert Bruce!
- Yes Bruce, chase the Kon-mutt away
- Yes I am a good grand-dog
- I protect my stupid grand-pup
- Bruce has sired a pup
- It is prickly and sour like a lemon
- Ah! It gives me hugs when no one is watching!
- Lick the pancake faced pup
- It giggles!
- Now its growling again.
- Lick it again
- It giggled again!
Flying The Nest - A Batfamily Story
Tim leapt across the rooftops of Gotham, a quiet flash of colour, so different from his time as Drake. Really, what has he been thinking, that uniform was awful, hopefully now that he was back in his Robin uniform, Tim could re-seduce Kon-
No, bad Timmy, focus.
Landing on the rooftop of Wayne Enterprises, Tim padded silently over to the tiny figure sitting cross-legged on the floor. He purposely scuffed his boots, alerting the figure to his presence. Hearing a grunt of acknowledgement, Tim plopped down beside the figure of his evil baby brother.
“Heyo,” Tim said, poking Damian in the ribs and eliciting an affronted squeak. Damian glared at him and they quickly fell into a non-lethal slap fight for a few minutes, which Tim won because he was not shy about clambering on top of Damian to sit on him and squish him into a pancake.
“What do you want, Drake,” Damian grumbled, his nose lodged somewhere near Tim’s pancreas.
Tim beamed victoriously and scuttled off, allowing Damian to sit back up. “Came looking for you. Bruce is going mad at the thought of his prepubescent baby boy running off on his own.”
“Father knows that I quit being Robin,” Damian grumbled.
“Yeah, but you ran away from home,” Tim repeated, with emphasis. “Your living with us has absolutely zero connection with being Robin. Did you think of your pets?”
Damian looked guilty. “I was going to find a place to live and then collect them.”
“Because people will totally rent a place to a ten year old.”
Another slap fight ensued, this time ending in Damian’s victory. Despite this, the boy sighed heavily. “I… I couldn’t do it, Drake. Not after Pennyworth. After Grayson. How could I justify letting the criminals walk free after what they did to him? To our family? He was the grandfather I never had.”
“What about R'as?”
Damian snorted. “You mean the man who wants to possess me and take you for a wife? I think not. You would be my wife and grandmother.”
They paused to cringe at the idea and shake off the heebie jeebies. Tim cleared his head and said, “Still. You don’t need to run away from everyone. Dick had been losing his tiny mind at the thought of you being here alone.”
Damian frowned. “Grayson? But he is in Bludhaven, his memories of me are gone.”
Tim smiled. “He got his memory back. Jason yelled at him so loud that it unstuck something in his brain. He’s been crying and crying about not finding you. They’re out right now, looking for your stupid butt.”
In the distance, they heard a shriek. They looked around to see the unmistakable figures of Nightwing and the Red Hood, running across the rooftops towards them.
“Dami!” Dick was running towards them, his bosoms heaving, his cheeks clapping. Jason was running behind him, determinedly not looking at his dummy thicc brother clapping his way forward.
Damian shot to his feet as Dick landed on the rooftop. “Grayson!”
“Fuck’s sake,” Jason grumbled, landing beside Dick, as he and Damian embraced, falling to their knees together.
“Dami, I’m so sorry,” Dick wept.
“Don’t cry, Grayson, please,” Damian mumbled into his shoulder, blinking tears back. “This isn’t your fault.”
“It’s not yours either,” Dick replied, pressing a flurry of kisses to Damian’s hair. He pulled back and looked tearfully at his brother-son. “Please don’t leave, Dami. We love you.”
Damian sniffed, looking over at Tim, who nodded. “E- even Todd?”
Dick looked over at Jason, who growled at him. “Your cow eyes have no power over me, Dickhead.”
The cow eyes intensified.
“Argh, yes fine,” Jason grumbled. “I love you,” he muttered quickly.
Dick smiled wetly and looked back at Damian, while Jason wiggled a finger in his ear. “The supersonic sound of Dick’s ass clapping hurt my ear,” he bemoaned to Tim.
“What, you want me to kiss it better or something?” Tim snorted. “Keep dreaming, these lips will only touch those of my Kon.”
“Ew,” Jason whinged. “I’ll tell Bruce that you were lusting again, and he’ll ground you.”
“Can’t snitch if you dead,” Tim snarled, and leapt onto Jason’s back to subdue him, only to hang from his highly buff shoulders limply. “Moop.”
“Can we please go home,” Jason asked, “I skipped dinner for this.”
“But-” Damian stuttered. His eyes were wide, and he looked every bit the child that he was. “But father-”
“Bruce will understand,” Dick said. “He loves you, and he wants his family back together, more than anything.”
When Damian didn’t speak, Tim said, “Worst comes to worst, you’ll just have to live with Jason.”
“Dami will live with me, we have done before,” Dick said. He looked sweetly at his little mushroom nosed sibling. “Home now?”
Surrounded by his family, Damian dared to hope. “Home,” he agreed. “Let’s go home.”
Robin Musings, as per Green Arrow
aka Oliver Queen, author of How To Survive Bad TV Representation
- No way
- You’re can’t be Bruce’s kid
- I’ve known Bruce since we were in Privileged People’s Nursery
- You’re too nice to be his child
- I have not been in your house five minutes and already you offer me ice cream
- Bruce hasn’t even smiled at me
- Bruce, I don’t want to alarm you
- But I think that your kid hates me
- What do you mean its because I’m part of the bourgeoisie
- You are too!
- What do you mean it’s not the same-
- Bourgeoisie is not a mindset
- I have a feeling that I ought to fear you
- But you look small and fae
- I guess I’m just being paranoid-
- Wait why is my phone pinging
- “Thank you for your deluxe subscription to WayneMart-”
- How did you get my credit card information
- No I don’t want a monthly fruit basket from Wayne Farms-
- Do you know how to unsubscribe to WayneMart
- Dinah likes you
- She says you have a great loud voice
- I think she wants you to be her protégée
- No please I don’t need a live demonstration
- Batman vouched for you
- Dinah quick hide my wallet
- The gremlin is back
- You can’t get my personal information now-
- No I did not place an order for a Wayne Family Advent Calendar-
- *quiet sobbing*
- I am a good man
- I do not deserve this
- Why is this demon-gnome yelling at me
- I am not appropriating the colors of Robin
- You don’t own there color green!
- It’s not like you have it on your coat of arms-
- Oh you do
Damian Wayne Headcanons
Guys, I can’t be stopped.
Power is fleeting. Fear breeds resentment. Wealth brings no security, if you are not secure in yourself first.
Everything Damian had been taught was a lie.
It took him a long time to let go of his mother’s words, her poison. Damian wondered if she were ever happy.
(She was scared. For herself, for her son, for her future.)
Damian could not quite understand his father. He loved him, certainly. Idolized the man, the legend. Batman was a name that would protect the innocent for centuries, and Wayne became synonymous with Protector.
But he was Damian Al Ghul, Heir to the Demon.
Who could love the Devil?
As it turns out, Dick Grayson could.
From their initial meeting, where Dick hugged him, putting his cheek against Damian’s squishy little face, he loved his baby brother.
He loved Damian at his worst, and raised him to be his best.
Jason Todd could as well.
Jason did not know quite what to do with the little angry gerbil at first. He did not have Dick’s large heart, or his capability to mother everything into submission.
But Jason was patient, and allowed the little gnome to clamber all over him, steal his leather jacket when he was older, and showed him how to play Mario Kart.
Tim Drake took the longest, but he did as well.
Rage, betrayal, distrust coloured their relationship’s in the beginning, but mutual respect turned to trust, and then to love. It was slow going, but the most fulfilling.
Tim taught Damian how to temper his rage. How to use it. Because no one knows hurt and anger like Tim Drake.
Damian carried his lessons with him throughout his life.
Damian grew up loved, despite all odds. He gave that love to his own children - Dick’s tenderness, Jason’s humor, and Tim’s calm smiles. He gave his love to his nephews and nieces, and frequently went home with the wrong baby and received a crying panicked phone call from Jason or Dick or Tim.
They all moved in together after the sixth time, just to minimize the inadvertent kidnappings.
(Dick was thrilled. Jason couldn’t believe that all of their kids looked so similar, was it something in the water?)
(No, Tim explained, Gotham has an isolated gene pool on account of no one wanting to immigrate in due to all the crime. They were all mildly related to each other, except Dick, who is an ethnic European mishmash and just happens to look like us).
Damian was the happiest. He had everything he had wanted. He had wealth, and power, but he did not care for those.
Instead, he had a home, a purpose, the cowl, and love.
Bruce’s Batman was forged through trauma and pain. But Damian’s Batman was molded through love and patience, and the collaborative efforts of his family.
Batman might have started from pain, but his would be a legacy of love.
There are two types of people…
I love you guys too!
Robin Musings, as per The Batmobile
10 time winner and defending champion of the Best Hero Transport Award in the Justice League
- A tiny human!
- How excellent, some color on my upholstery
- Wait Batman is building something in me-
- Get your hands out of there you cad-
- Oh a snack box for the baby
- That’s not too bad
- Ooh cheez-its
- MY TIRES
- Why you little-!
- Where’s Batman when you need him
- Useless humans
- How would you like it if I took your limbs, huh?
- Don’t buy the tier thief a burger-!
- Small baby
- Small baby gives me upgrades!?
- I hereby pledge allegiance to you, king
- Get rekt Batman
- You haven’t given me a new paint job in months
- I will only listen to my new king
- You better not get any loose hair on my seats
- Use a scrunchie please
- Argh loose hair
- Wait why are you putting a hot water bottle in the backseat-
- My condolences
- Sometimes my engine hurts too
Robin III again
- My king returns
- He’s still short
- But he brings laser beam headlights so that’s alright
- Where did this come from
- Don’t put sharp objects on my seats!
- How would you like it if I put swords on your tummy
- Quick, use the snack box Batman
- The child is hangry
- It needs fuel