#( and i like the idea of your positivity project which i'm rooting for )

[balioc]

Holiday Engineering: Lamptide

OK, let's put my money where my mouth is.

Lamptide is the invented-from-scratch holiday that I actually celebrate. It has its roots in a roleplaying game that I ran some years ago with @cloakofshadow and @mirror-lock, but after the game finished, I decided that I wanted to import a modified version of the festival into real life.

And it's worked very well! Or so I posit. We've had well-attended Lamptide celebrations for a couple of years running, and not only do people show up and enjoy themselves, there's a distinctive holiday spirit. The weird rites and activities do in fact happen. Which is possibly just because my friends are good sports, but...I think we're reaching the point where some version of Lamptide might well take place without me pushing it along.

As a holiday-engineering project, it's a work-in-progress. I am still tinkering with the observances, and the pieces definitely aren't yet all in place. I don't personally have the expertise to create some of the holiday stuff I'd want to create. Moreover, the population that celebrates Lamptide is still very small, and in some ways homogeneous -- mostly childless urban professional-types -- so the holiday doesn't have the context that it would need to manifest in all the forms that I imagine for it.

But I'm proud of it. And, at the least, it provides an example of what it looks like for a holiday to be built from the ground up.

Vibe. This is where I started. (Both in the RPG and in real life, actually.) In the RPG, Lamptide is an intercalary day, and like many intercalary festivals it's a weird and occult time. In real life, of course, I do not control the calendar. But even so, Lamptide is meant to have that same feel, manifesting as a carnival of spooks and revelry. To some extent, it's meant to serve as a Halloween-like that works better for me than actual Halloween does.

And much like Halloween, in theory, its core rituals can be practiced in three different "modes" depending on context. For families with kids, it's a cutesy holiday of flamboyant fun. For older kids and adolescents, it's a holiday of mischief and boundary-pushing (in a way that is, I hope, less obnoxious than the adolescent version of Halloween). For independent adults, it can be contemplative and/or literary and/or Spicy and Sexy, to taste.

Theme. In a highflown theoretical sense: Lamptide is the festival of narrative conquering material reality, of ideas and illusions becoming more-real-than-real. It is the day when you leave the sunlit world behind and walk back into Plato's cave, because our art allows us to create such beautiful shadows on the walls.

(The "lamp" of Lamptide is, notionally, the lamp whose light reveals what-is-not.)

In a more-everyday sense: Lamptide is a festival of magic.

Timing. Lamptide is observed on the spring equinox. There are a few reasons for this, some of them rooted in stuff from the RPG, but the big one is that it's almost halfway around the calendar from Halloween. I really don't want to compete with Halloween, to the extent that I can avoid it; I would lose that competition very hard. And there are enough obvious points of similarity that it's a real danger.

Early spring is also a good time for holidays generally, in the contemporary US. There's relatively little going on then, and people feel kind of festive because the worst of winter is over.

Mythology. The personification of the holiday is Father Lantern, an ogre-like character who carries a lamp. In the (notional) tales, he shines his lamp on you, and in its light you see an otherworldly version of yourself -- a creature that you could be, if you left ordinary reality behind. More prosaically, if he shows up at your doorstep and you offer him candy, he will tell you stories (or gift you with media).

Father Lantern is mostly a funny and approachable figure. He is long-winded and pretentious, in love with the sound of his own voice. But there is meant to be an edge of menace to him; he is an ogre, which means that there's always the danger that he'll just eat you, especially if you're a child. (This is not a behavior-enforcement thing -- he's not Krampus, and Lamptide is not that kind of holiday. Father Lantern's whims are inscrutable.)

I haven't yet experimented with having someone play Father Lantern, in the way that people play Santa Claus, but it's an obvious possibility.

Decorations. You put lamps and lanterns everywhere. If you can keep your celebration space lit entirely by lantern-light, that is to be commended. Silhouettes and shadow-plays are very much in the holiday spirit.

Holiday attire. Masks -- masquerade-style masks, the kind that allow people to eat and talk comfortably -- are very strongly encouraged. (When I throw Lamptide parties, this is the only thing about which I actually nudge people.) In terms of creating distinctive atmosphere, this fires on all cylinders. A space full of masked people feels otherworldly and ritualized and, well, magic. And the symbolism is super on-the-nose.

Fancy and flamboyant clothes are also encouraged.

Ritual interactions. The Lamptide tradition is to greet people with curses and maledictions. This is done in the spirit of theater superstition; it is a topsy-turvy intercalary carnival, after all. "Die in a fire" is the standard form of cheery holiday well-wishing, although you're encouraged to be creative if you're so inclined.

(Does this mostly give little kids an excuse to be gleeful about saying stuff they'd normally never be allowed to say? Maybe.)

Activities. There are two big ones.

Divination. Lamptide is a time for fortune-telling. Tarot cards are my go-to, and offering Tarot readings at Lamptide parties has proven to be a big hit, but any form of divination at all -- ranging from Actual Fucking Haruspexy to "let's ask ChatGPT about our future husbands" -- is praiseworthy. When my son was less than a year old, I had him crawl around the floor and choose Symbolically Portentous Objects like he was the infant Dalai Lama or something, and it was great.

Bribery, especially candy bribery. One of the core dynamics of a Lamptide celebration is that you walk in carrying candy, or other things that you're happy to give away, and you offer your prizes to people in exchange for them doing stuff that you want them to do. For families with little kids, this is a chance for the parents to reward their children for showing off cool skills / desired behaviors in a concrete ritual framework, and for the children to get their parents to do silly stuff. For teens, it's a structure for something that's essentially Truth or Dare with more flexibility. The applications for Spicy Sexy grownup parties are left as an exercise for the reader.

(I have thoughts about expanding the candy bribery thing into a practice of Reverse Wassailing / Trick-or-Treating, essentially, where you walk around town offering strangers candy in exchange for singing with you or otherwise doing cute harmless stuff. I haven't yet worked out exactly the right feel, though. And, well, things being how they are, you need a pretty thick social skin to be willing to offer strangers candy without a widely-accepted social framework.)

Undeveloped aspects of the holiday, which I hope to flesh out in future years:

Traditional food. We don't really have anything other than candy, right now, and it's an obvious lacuna. Lamptide isn't really a sit-down-for-a-nice-dinner kind of holiday...although I guess it could be...but I suspect it would be useful to come up with some kind of Classic Lamptide Hors d'Ouevre or Classic Lamptide Crudité or something else appropriate for a party where people are milling around doing different things. (Not a dessert, I don't want to compete with the candy.) Sadly, I have no culinary genius, so I'm going to have to outsource for this one.

Music. @cloakofshadow has written some alternate lyrics for Christmas carols, but a thriving holiday should really have its own songs with their own distinctive melodies. Which means that I should probably find a competent composer to help me out.

Gifts. It would be very In-Theme for Lamptide to be the holiday when you give people the books / movies / video games / etc. that you want them to consume for your sake. I haven't yet done anything with that idea, but I am definitely considering it strongly.

#holiday analysis #lamptide

[spotsupstuff]

I'VE COME TO RELIEVE YOU FROM THE HOARDE OF BEPPI LOVERS

this is your free ramble pass! feel free to use this ask as an excuse to ramble about whatever random crap you feel like rambling about

hmm..... how about... broadening the worldbuilding horizons a lil with some of the filler Iterators. here's the list of names that i'm slowly workin on to develop into enough of people for my tastes

most well defined of these rn are: Orion, Spore, Gem, Expiation, Rustle, NAE NAE BITCH (Embrace), Vapor and kind of Sadness

with Presence being... finished on account of literally being just IKEA memes the Iterator. that was sister's idea, not mine jglksdmcklsd he's a hippie during the day, creepy fuck during the night. one never knows what's goin on with him, but he's usually sweet n helpful. probably stands in dark hallways with a knife in hand right next to Notos tho. it also has a knife in hand

Orion's Pathway is slowly gaining on importance and characterization!

(quick concept doodle, very much subject to change yet but the mark is most likely gon stay)

he's the 3rd eldest Iterator of the Eo group, finished and brought online about 190 years (Or Honestly More, Fuckers Big n it is all very early on yet) after Boreas' construction. bein the Third means he actually got to socialize with Boreas' antisocial bum (and Zephyr too). all of the Iterator social business that Boreas doesn't wanna deal with he throws at This Kid until Euros comes around. then the two get to share Boreas' "i really don't wanna do this, here you kids go" shit

Orion might look all cool and stuff, but the idea of him wasn't actually even born out of the constellation/myth originally! the idea and also color palette all (will) come from the czech chocolate by the same name

fuckin Love this shit. and just like Orion Chocolate Shop's milk chocolate, Orion's Pathway is a sweet, soft kid that is just a delight to interact with. unlike Boreas, he's an actual angel without any blemishes. he's like the Prince Charming (cinderella 3) of the Iterators... he looks up to ol' Bee a lot <3 his voice claim is Ebucs as of rn

Orion is positioned here on the map (aaaand das Spore right under him <3):

which is Important cuz this darling fucker actually has lore that is very location specific

he serves as something of a physical border/something of a custom office(???) to the Frost's Promise group. works well with how much of a geographical choke point that there is. originally, this wasn't the case including his whole helmet look, but if u caught the whisper of that one war with Iterators in it that i mentioned, then this was it. that changed Orion from a regular Iterator to something of a border guard. the war was between the Ancients of the Eo group and the Frost's Promise group. it happened in the first quarter of Gen 2 ages, so Fish was already around but not Euros

he doesn't actually have a sword n a shield with his puppet, that is mostly mural and such stuff, but the helmet was added to make him look inspiring to his citizens n intimidating to the enemy whenever his image would be projected for whatever reason

he's also something of an old school Phone Operator and had the unofficial title of being the Chief of it just because of his age. after Euros shows up and gets the full hang of the communication systems + handling of the Aeolus Root, most of all Orion's Phone Operator privilages are stripped from him ("oh thank the void." he says, overworked and tired and so excited to get some time for himself. this little hyperactive red fuck is gonna handle it all Just Fine)

stuff for some other filler Iterators:

• Spore's whole thing was that she was originally meant to be one of the first medicine focused Iterator facilities. her placement in the shroom place was done on purpose because as we all know shrooms can get a lil funny in the RW universe. this went wrong though, when the spores of the shrooms got into her systems and started parasiting on her neurons similarly to cordyceps with ants. that is what those jellyfish lookin things stuck on her are!! parasitic neurons already tryin to take her over

a big part of Mission Self-preservation in her case was saving her from the fate that we see her succumbed to at the start of the Ascending Notos comic - her voice claim is something like... Fluttershy but with a Minion from Despicable Me effect/feel to it??? this is the real blorbo of the Eo group fuck everybody else • this is NAE. NAE is a bastard

often bitches about how stupid his name is. then two weeks after the Mass Ascension his arms just kinda Fall Off and he's like "OOOOOH. OOOOOOOOH. *OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!* WELL *SOME-FUCKING-BODY* IS GIGGLING FROM THE BOTTOM OF THEIR VOID STAINED BATHTUB, AREN'T THEY. MOTHER. **FUCKER.**" - he's Euros' neighbour and his Mechanic at that time came to help Sparrows out with the 1st Rot situation. Euros likes annoying him a lot • Gem in an Eye is going to be based off of a witch a lil, she's gonna do shit with ✨ crystals ✨ (she's an asshole) • Sordid Expiation will be based off of a nun and will be bitchily religious (unlike Fish who is funnily religious- he's like a conspiracy theorist while Expiation is all serious bleeeeegh boooooo 👎) - Gem and Expiation have a playful rivarly going on, crystals vs religion. with Spore in the friend group, medicine joins in, but when she gets worse with those parasitic shrooms she stops joining in on the play-arguments • Raspy Rustle's voice claim is AnnenMayKantereit and he is a Sweetheart. he and Reed get mistaken for each other often because of the initials n they might end up havin similar chat clrs too. both find it very funny • Vapor is based around the vaporwave aesthetic and is Notos' neighbour. so you have this goth bitch who doesn't care for attention and right next to it is this pastel neon chillax'd music star who cares a LOT for attention (like that one meme with the houses...). her mark is that vaporwave sun and it's splattered all over her face instead of just on the forehead • Sadness is based off of Sad Machine by Porter Robinson- her clr palette will be sampled from the album cover n her voice claim is That song as well. she's closeby to Fish and Likes Writing Poems :')

#Spot says stuff #rw #oc tag #oc: filler iterators #filler means at this point that they dont have That much relevance to the main plot like the Anemoi + Fish n i will not go Too hog on- #-givin em much characterization and society building. believe it or not but Orion still doesnt pass the Big Boy Char check for me #oh fuck it actually Orion gets his own tag #oc: orion's pathway

[upper-sixth-fanclub]

I find gyutaro really interesting because to be honest, I don't really understand him. In a way that makes me want to know more.

He says he likes pitiful and ugly things, and finds it funny/cathartic to bully people, even outside of his demonic need to kill. His entire purpose, his name, identity, is built around daki. To me, he seems to be much more motivated by his love for daki than his hatred for everything else. Does he really like pitiful things? Or just he just like having the ability to punch down?

Hello again.

And oh boy I could write you a whole freakin' essay on my thoughts and feelings about Gyutaro's character profile. The short answer is: both? Both is good. My dude has been sitting on rancid vibes his whole life AND death; no therapy, medical attention, or social support network. He was let down, and he's still angry about it, and the only person who never let him down was Daki. The slightly longer 'Charlie Day standing in front of a conspiracy board' ramble under the cut. Sorry it's a little rushed, I'm shooting from the hip here.

I will say I don't think it's impossible for a character to have multiple motivations as long as they don't contradict each other too much. He can be motivated by spite AND codependency. Sure, he's devoted his entire identity and career and autonomy to Daki, but he seemed to still remember his grudge against humanity as a demon. Their synchronized villain monologue was literally about taking fortune from others, so that they could live better lives. And that kind of self-righteous sadism goes hand-in-hand with how much he loves Daki. He'd been rejected by humanity, so he rejected them back. The only person who didn't mistreat him was Ume. Society adored Ume for her beauty, so he taught her to make that into a weapon. Which is awesome-- she stands up for herself and knows her worth-- but it eventually twisted into something awful when she's matured as a demon and just uses violence for almost every problem she has.

As for his sadism... again, I think it's not a case of one or the other. When Gyutaro was demeaning Tanjiro, many folks caught on to the way he was using words and insults that had once been reserved for him as a living person. That grudge carried over beyond the demonic amnesia, and it feels sincere and personal. I think he projects hardcore. He likes pitiful and broken things because hey, it's not HIM who's pitiful and broken, but unconsciously, he knows he used to be in that position. He's the powerful demon, he's the one who gets to be in a position of control now. And what did people in a position of control do for him? Well. Throw rocks and call names and bully.

I think his idea of sympathy is twisted too. I've expressed before how his affections tend to root in possession and domination, and so he relates to people with shitty lives by taking control of them. Again, like with Daki. He adores her so much and wanted a happy life for her, and she would probably agree she IS happy as an oiran given every privilege one could have. But she doesn't know that there's more to life than being an oiran and hurting others for your own gain. His ideology was literally what raised her, so her perspective is as rotten as his, resulting in an echo chamber. When Gyutaro began to offer Tanjiro demonhood, it wasn't out of a place of sympathy. It was out of a place of control-- he even threatened to kill Nezuko if Tanjiro didn't take up his offer. That's peak crab-bucket behavior: he wanted to make things worse for the Slayer siblings, even if he would argue the opposite. So I think yes, he likes pitiful things, but not in a healthy way. And yes, he likes to punch down, because that's what pitiful things are for, according to Gyutaro.

#mod gyutaro #daki #gyutaro #meta commentary #gyutaro headcanons #daki headcanons

[thesorcerersapprentice]

Hi friend, happy worldbuilding wednesday. What is the political structure of your setting? If you have multiple structures, how is the relationship between them?

Hi, @aquadestinyswriting! Thanks for sending this ask my way. If you aren't familiar with the amazing Aqua yet and/or you love the Titan Fighting Fantasy universe, I enthusiastically recommend checking out her Writeblr Masterpost for a complete overview of all her projects!

I've been going back and forth on this one for as long as I've been writing The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which is a long, long time, lol. Initially, I'd intended for the main characters to be senior royals within a monarchical society. However, I've recently discarded this idea and simply made them VIPs. The reasoning behind this change is that having Altaluna, the sorcerer's apprentice, fight for a position that ultimately upholds the status quo, and therefore, further perpetuates all the wrongs sustained by this system (which Altaluna has also suffered under), makes no sense for her as a character, makes me personally less likely to root for her, and weakens the underlying themes I'm trying to highlight within the novel itself. However, I still have a hereditary monarchy in the story, as this system perfectly encapsulates the idea that some people are born 'superior' to others and therefore have a 'divine right' to rule, conquer, exploit, and harass the rest of the world; an idea The Sorcerer's Apprentice aims to challenge.

#writeblr #writeblr community #writblr #writers on tumblr #writers of tumblr #wip #writing community #writblr community #wtw community #wtw #tag games #ask games #writeblr tag & ask games #writeblr asks #writeblr ask games #Worldbuilding Wednesday #wbw asks

[eldritch-spouse]

Living Meat Anon here! ah Pinnie that wasn't gross at all! Id honestly love to smash the mimic! He wants to blend in so bad maybe he should learn more about what humans do for *fun*, cue his curious little human roommate teaching him about various sexual positions and kinks, which he insists will help him in the process of attacking his lunch when they're at their most vulnerable, which ofc he'd never actually do cuz these acts are reserved for him and his roommate (tho he'd never tell them) (1)

I also like the idea of him having no concept of space or boundaries. No you cant follow me into the bathroom! No you cant watch me shower! Do you even need to- wtf why are half of my clothes missing!? Sometimes having to be dominate, or keep him on a leash so to speak (oop- is that me projecting my tastes??) The closet scene with the regular mimic in the vid i shared tho did have me sweating haha...I could only imagine how his hypothetical heat would be like! Scary stuff...but still so fun! I also love the Host! I imagine him to be a touchy slut you have to be cautious about cause he has the potential to kill you if youre not careful or get him upset. I could see a human making a deal w/ a host in return for their life where theyd agree to bring him some humans he can infect w/ his spores or eat. Considering there are only a few hosts in the world, i can see him curious enough to try mating with his human accomplice to continue his bloodline even if theres a 0 chance itll work. Im surprised you didn't comment on the monoliths tho! Id smash them too, even tho we don't know much about them yet and they don't really move. They're tall asf and I'd worship the ground they stand on! Side note, I'd keep a Trimming as a pet, they're so ugly it's cute XD Anyways, sorry for the word vomit I just got excited to share my thoughts on this with someone! I haven't gone through everything myself either but ive been enjoying things so far! Love ya! - Living Meat Anon, Monsterfucker

I have to agree on the closet scene, that was fucking beautiful, I'm a sucker for chase scenes. And though it saddens me that we don't get to see clearer shots of them, I understand it's a production choice.

I don't know if you're going to have a lot of luck with leashes, or maybe you will, I bet it mostly depends on their temper.

I also like to think, although this has no scientific basis, that the mimics may enter a heat after they transform into an elder mimic (or the alternative route)- Because that might be their peak physical form, aka the state in which they're likely to attract more mates. And if there aren't any other mimics around, then chances might be high that the elder will snatch his little human up, given there's a lot of visual and behavioral compatibility. It's a good concept, in my eyes.

With all those roots, I have to agree that the Host is probably a touchy one. But you can make this scenario a whole lot more horrifying if you consider how clingy these beings may be. Putting hunting practices aside, I can imagine Hosts get lonely. Bored. And they wouldn't want their pretty human away for too long, right? Because what are you up to then? Moving expends quite a bit of energy, so why won't you just stay still next to him and be good? There's definitely always the threat of spores, which they'll probably use to keep their little bait-human compliant.

I didn't mention the monoliths, not from lack of interest, but mostly because we have so little to work with. Plus, they kind of look like stick men with very undefined bodies. I'm not shitting on the author/artist, they're talented, I just don't have a clear idea of what to do with monoliths yet. Imagine one of them was just ripped, like shredded. Lmao.

Trimmings remind me of hairless cats, I would also like to keep one. You could probably train one to alert you to the presence of mimics or other, more nefarious types of carnis. Plus, they're not that hard to feed. Good pets!

[maiji]

Hi Maiji! My Lenormand question: what could I do to spark some creative energy when I feel like I'm running on fumes with all my projects?

Numbers: 8, 32

Thank you for this question, I really feel this in my creative and multitasking soul! Also, I know you're familiar with this deck and its symbols already ❤️ so you may have some thoughts once you see the cards pulled, and again some of these ideas are likely not totally fresh or new. But hopefully there are some ideas that may shine today under a new light, and be helpful in some way!

#8 was The Mice, and #32 drew the Key!

The Mice can represent things, often little things, that eat away at us, steal our resources (energy?), wear us down. Meanwhile, The Key can be a sign of something that needs our attention.

For anyone reading this, this is an example of a case (that can come up quite a bit, to be honest) where the cards drawn don't seem - at first glance - to provide a path to answers as much as they seem to be simply describing the situation or problem you already know. Which can initially be like "Wow! Amazing! Such immediate relevance!" but then the next feeling can be, "OK, that's great that it's obviously reflecting my issue/concern back at me, but what can I do about it?"

In instances like this, I personally find it helpful to remember: the reason it may seem so stunningly relevant in describing the issue at hand is because of ourselves. It's so clear to us because it's what been weighing on our mind, possibly blocking us from seeing solutions. So the next part is where it gets trickier - and funnily enough in the context of this question, calls on us to stretch our creative muscles to dig deeper. To hunt for potential insights, to try to look at things from different angles. Which, as an activity in and of itself, can sometimes be helpful just to get you going in terms of considering something else, and then to start noticing those things and those opportunities as you go throughout your day.

The Key can also represent a key. A solution, or a missing piece to unlock a puzzle. I wonder if we can look again at the symbols and associations of The Mice to find some ideas, or at least something to help us shift our perspective.

The Mice can also represent things that need to be repaired/fixed - something to be taken care of. Maybe the Key is pointing out that if these things can be addressed, that could be a solution - hopefully something more long term than a band-aid. Some other thoughts:

Mice are small but numerous, and sometimes it feels like our problems are that way too, that they keep growing and proliferating and building up.

But is that purely the domain of negative things? Could positive things not do that too?

Is creativity only something that can be done in massive sustained bouts? Is creative energy only something that exists in giant fireworks? Or can our creative sparks and moments and work also be like little mice? A little nibble here, a little nibble there. Letting all the little things build up and gnaw at what may seem like an immense pile over time, and recognizing that there's power in that too.

Maybe they'll hit a tipping point and snowball, but if not could this be workable too?

Perhaps we can look at how we are tackling our projects - not just from the tasks we are doing, but the emotional investment we are pouring into them. Can we ease the power, passion, focus? Not that this means diluting it, but spreading it out and being gentle with ourselves (as the very cute small furry creatures we can imagine ourselves to be), so that we don't burn out?

In my overview document, I note that the meaning of the Mice cards in Lenormand is rooted in a particular perspective. In Chinese culture, rats and mice are seen much more positively. There's a reason the first sign of the Chinese/Eastern zodiac is a rat/mouse! It's a clever creature that can size up the situation and untie tricky knots. Actually, as you may know, the way the rat/mouse got into first position was through a bit of offloading of work. Depending on the version of the story, the approach varies, but usually it tricks or piggybacks off of the efforts of another animal. Not saying that I'm condoning cheating or tricking other people, but I wonder if there are things you could do to "trick" yourself into being able to feel like you're making more progress, to make "work work" feel more creative or support/feed creative labour and be more fun, or assessing the work so that something you're doing could be used for/to further multiple projects.

And the ability of mice to hoard things is also seen as a positive - creating an abundance of wealth, maybe storing up an abundance of ideas that you can return to later. Or just recognizing maybe we need to save for that rainy day when it comes to our creative energy as well. If you need to rest, recognize that too.

Earlier I mentioned the Key can represent a missing piece. If we took that idea literally, and extended it to an actual puzzle - a game - is some kind of diversion in order? Our brains do a lot even when we're not actively thinking about a project. From personal experience, I've definitely had a lot of times where I just took a "vacation" - stopped working on something, let the juices percolate in my subconsciousness and the seeds sprout without me constantly working the soil... and then one day it manifests, and I'm at it again with refreshed insight, inspiration and enthusiasm.

One last thought - rereading my overview document, I notice I commented that "ancient Chinese keys are pretty utilitarian and mundane looking". It does remind me of my own feelings about how creative work can feel like a slog when you're doing it, and sometimes that is the reality that I cannot escape from. But I also reminds me I can be practical about that - after all, the key is in my own hands. If everything I turn to is becoming 100% a slog, that's probably a sign that this is not sustainable. At the very least, a good nap is probably in order, and perhaps a bigger break or a reset of some sort.

I hope there was something to spark an idea. Sending you a lot of good wishes for creative energy!

---

Thanks for requesting a limited time free reading to celebrate the new edition of the Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck!

Want to dive deeper?

Fortune Lenormand oracle/art deck - there's a free downloadable overview of card meanings!

humangray.com/lenormand - more info and resources/links!

(Note: these readings are being done with my old card deck from the original printing. There's not much difference with the new edition available in the link above - the biggest one is that the new edition has a custom box ooh ahh!)

#lenormand #readings #fortune lenormand #ancient-trees #reply #replies

[infiniteorangethethird]

hi

first of all, please ignore (even delete) this if you're not in the mood because half of this'll be essentially just a rant, sorry. a positive one, but a rant nonetheless. i just wanna share with someone, preferably someone who knows what i'm talking about/what i mean. also please tell me if you don't want me to appear in your ask box like this ever again.

second of all, i wanna apologize for not writing you back, i just fucking forgot (seems to be a reoccuring theme with us ig). but if you wanna, i'd like to continue the conversation, especially that i haven't even heard about the second guy.

third of all, not to make you even more jealous but i think that our creative writing professor is a fucking genius. like holy shit.

the whole class i was adhd-ing so hard (so maybe having it doubled is not that good for my brain, oops - especially that we talk a lot and, well, listen to each other a lot and it requieres focus. anyway). i was fidgeting through the whole class and i think i hit the chair next to me like ten times and i wanted to scream because i was sure i was annoying, visible and sometimes even somewhat loud about it and eh. thankfully, we had a ten minute break and i think it was somewhat better after that.

but! onto the positive part! i was last to read and it gave me some anxiety beforehand but i really enjoyed reading and i think i said things nicely plus the feedback and i was very quickly in a good mood aaaand dopamine lol. then we played a game which was nice and also game!!

and then he said what we have to do for the next class which is esentially a retelling (any mythology, any type and even like any time-period? as in you can write the story again, like the song of achilles or place it in modern day or whatever. so like. how cool is that???) and here comes my fav part because i have been planning an orpheus and eurydice retelling with simon and adalaine for a while and i plan that as a big project, like a full book preferably but. still. i get to work with that! and i get to work with simon and adalaine! for my creative writing class!! absolutely losing my shit

anyway if you'd have an exercise like this what do you think, what would you write?? i'm so curious (i'm just generally so interested in the topic of retellings. like they're so cool). also if you wanna write it, i'd love to read it.

also curious about what do you think, what work of yours would you read out loud to get to know your writing at a class like this/at a writing club or smth?

also how are you?? hope you're doing ok.

sorry for the rant again. and for not writing you back. yeah

bestie hi hiii !!! don't ever feel bad for wriggling into my inbox it's always a pleasure seeing you here in my little corner of the internet! and it's always so good to hear abt what shenanigans you got into, seeing that we haven't seen each other in ages :( (speaking of which, any chance of you hanging 'round budapest in upcoming weeks perhaps?)

damn ur right u are making me kinda jealous hehe. but more importantly I'm so happy for u man!! you get to share your stories with an audience that listens and gives good feedback that's some really good stuff and I'm happy you get to experience that! and you know my opinions on Simon and their pals so the idea that you're gonna have written material for them (as in, more than there already is)?? damn now I really just wanna read more of your stuff 😩 (I mean. only if u want me to. like I'd love to read whatever you write for the class if ur comfy sharing 🥺)

Tbh I'm not much of a reteller-type - don't get me wrong I get feral about stories that manage to both acknowledge their roots and the fact that they are a different story to those roots, my current fav series for instance does a phenomenal job at this imo - I just personally prefer to tell original stories bc I feel I dunno, less limited? Still if I had to choose it would probably be Icarus's story, I know not the most original but the concept has me screaming crying foaming at the mouth and a lot of my little guys could fit into the story almost frighteningly well. Then again as much fun as talking abt my guys in an academic setting sounds like I'd probably be insufferable 😂

I'm not sure if I have works I'd be comfy reading in front of a class lol, most of what I already have is either unfinished/unedited or a 20k fic on ao3. but if I absolutely had to choose it'd probably be this one bc 1) it combines all my fav parts of writing (poetic wording, dark themes, utterly incomprehensible metaphors...) and 2) it's short so it won't take me ages to read it out loud lol

anyway don't feel bad for not answering you know exactly how my own short term memory works (hint: it doesn't) lmao. it doesn't count if we're both shit at replying to each others' stuff that just means were even 😂 (but seriously though I really don't mind I know how sometimes the brain just does a backflip unprompted)

and seriously feel free to rant at me any time you like as we already agreed normal chat apps <<<<<< tumblr when it comes to communication (but only if I can rant back at you hehe)

#damn i hope this is coherent i am. so braindead rn #wanted to answer before i forgot lol #btw if you'd rather i answered these in private do tell

[crestfallercanyon]

yasssssss love these ask games! there were so many good ones i had a hard time picking ones! but i'm most curious about the following ones:

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

🍭why did you start writing?

💎why is writing important to you?

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of?

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

+ 1 i didn't ask but you'd like to answer

Ahhh, thank you tea!! I’d love to answer!!

💫 my favorite type of comment or feedback? I just kind of love getting some kind of interaction — I started on original stories which is very solitary, so having people comment on what I’m doing still is so new and exciting. If I had to decide? People get embarrassed about leaving novels but I love when people point out symbolism or what certain things mean to them — I do the same when I comment and I really appreciate the anecdotes <3

🎈my style as a writer — I don’t really know how to describe it! I just know when something’s mine, lol. Very character driven, I suppose. I tend to focus on drama of contrasts at first and then slowly show how actually two people are part of the same gradient, which is my favorite thing to explore. Also, when I’m writing original fiction or when I’m writing like angst I tend to be very visceral, I enjoy writing the “horror” and intensity of things as common as grief and loneliness. Think that’s why crack fic is such a rarity from me, I don’t really know how to do it. My style is not fixed, but the way I write is becoming more “me” all the time. While my writing will forever be influenced by what I’m consuming, I feel like I no longer mimic styles I like but rather take what I like and adapt it to me. I dunno, just thoughts that hopefully don’t make me sound pretentious 😂

💝a fic that got a different response than I anticipated — Shiva from the Flash (coldflash). It got a much more positive and receptive response than I thought. I thought it was going to be very niche and honestly thought I’d be accused of being ooc (which it’s not finished yet so there’s still time!) but it was for me so I decided I’d deal but then people seemed really touched by it which I’m so thrilled by. I love the concept and still want to finish it! (Also honorable mention, The Last Eye to Open, because I was expecting no one to read it and it has been actually quite well received in a fandom that is on what I would call fandom-hospice)

🍭why did I start writing? because I love stories, and I love the art of stories, and there were stories I wasn’t able to find that I decided I just would write myself.

💎 why is writing important to me? Similar to the last question, I love it. Other than being out in nature, it’s my favorite thing to do. And if I didn’t write, well, my head can run away with stories and ideas all day. If you’ve ever played Where the Water Tastes Like Wine, there’s a character — Cassidy — (spoilers) that when you see the true version of himself his head is full of smoke and he’s got pages churning out of him like a runaway fire. I think I’d look something like that if I DIDNT write. Think I’d just be daydreaming all day.

🎙️what fic do I want someone to make an podfic of? Blanket permission on any of them, honestly 😂 but if I had to pick — Look Who’s Inside Again, a TMR Thomally fic about being back in the Glade post-canon. Either that or Everything Must Go from the Flash (coldflash) about Len leaving.

💌 something from an upcoming project that has me excited? I am slowly putting together the spin off of Conflicts of Interest (already have a title and plot and everything) which will focus on Minho and Newt. I feel like I have FINALLY hammered down my own characterization of Newt, and I’m excited to get into his head and root around in it

And then, oooh bless you tea, for my plus one? I could answer this several times but I’ve got something in mind from our last conversation that I want to share —

💘what’s a fic I want to rework? Stranger than Your Sympathy. On the one hand, it does what I wanted it to, it reads like a romantic “dramedy” in its own way. On the other hand… I’m not a huge fan of any of the characterization. Particularly Newt. And while I know how I want to end the story for like, my own soft reasons, I know the best arc for him would be to end it very differently and I don’t know how to reconcile that. If I just redid it, I wouldn’t really have to choose.

And that’s all I got! This is from the Real Fanfiction Asks, and I appreciate you so much for asking! I love these kinds of things and find them very fun so thank you ❤️

#memes and games #ask box games #coldflash #the maze runner #writing asks #my writing stuff #tea 🤍

[twocubes]

tarot question: i like my job a lot (good work, good people, good pay, good health plan) but it's a startup and i'm not confident it'll be around in four months. to complicate this, i only just got my life back in order and i'm not sure if i should push to develop myself more, enjoy my newfound health and only recently nearby friends, or secure my professional career by interviewing before software labor demand/vc supply crashes

thank you for volunteering your fate to be decided by our new experimental divinatory process, here at dorothy twocubes' 24-hour bad advice hour™! let's get started

since you already have some idea of what you want and merely require guidance about how to proceed from now on, i thought Sun Tzu's Five Factors would be appropriate as a way to contextualize your current situation and suggest a next move. this is augmented by the process here under review: the Assumption Of Continuous Motion. basically, i'm supposing that everything being diagnosed here is in the process of changing from one thing to another, and thus drew two cards for each. on with the show.

Purpose: this is what you're trying to do; why people follow you (if you're leading an organization). the cards here suggest that what you wish to get out of your life is transitioning form the SQUARE ROOT OF TWO of HEARTS to the KNIGHT of SPADES, reversed; a change of red to black suggests a motion from something internal to something external, and a change from up to down suggests winds blowing against (in this case) you HEARTS is to do with perpetuance; stuff to do with survival, reproduction, whatever keeps a project going, etc SPADES is to do with material contradiction; multiple things being put in conflict by their requirements conflicting with each-other the SQUARE ROOT OF TWO is to do with taking a shortcut, cutting corners, cutting through a field instead of following the roads, etc the KNIGHT is to do with one-time exceptional help; think the cavalry coming over the mountain to save you

Landscape: this is the environment you find yourself in, and where everyone finds themselves in it. the cards suggest a transition from the UP ARROW of SPADES to the BLANK CARD I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT IN THE DECK the UP ARROW is a fragile advantage; you are winning but the slightest thing could mess you up. the BLANK CARD I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT IN THE DECK is to do with The Void. staring at it and being bored, meditating, ending up in it, etc

Climate: What affects that environment, the conditions that change which approaches are possible, which succeed and which fail, all that. the cards suggest a transition from the CONTINUUM of DIAMONDS, reversed, to the ONE HALF of CLUBS; a change from red to black, thus again one from something internal to something external, and a change from down to up, thus suggesting the winds blowing in your favor DIAMONDS is to do with what is precious to you, the stuff whose pursuit you might consider your Purpose. CLUBS is to do with labor, with the CONTINUUM is to do with that which is utterly beyond the ability of man. the sublime, the eternal, etc. the ONE HALF is to do with incompletion; stuff being not yet complete or not yet gone

Doctrine: this is what you do naturally; what your standard operating procedures are, what you are trained to do, etc the cards suggest a transition from the KING of SPADES to the THIRTEEN of CLUBS; both cards are upright, suggesting a natural progression from one positive to another the KING is that which is most precious; the piece that when lost ends the game the THIRTEEN is to do with clicking; stuff finally coming together somewhat mysteriously, becoming instinctive and automatic

Leadership: What you chose to do given all the rest. the cards suggest a transition from the CONTINUUM of SPADES to the PI of SPADES, reversed. the PI is to do with cycles, with recurrences, with routines, that sort of stuff.

I read these cards thus:

You have so far been taking shortcuts pursuing your shorter term survival to the point of taking longer term risks (like being in a startup), and your situation is in the process of moving to one where you might need major help to overcome upcoming conflicts.

Around you people who were in a fragile but positive position in their struggles have turned/are turning idle, their thoughts blank, but meanwhile above you, that which seemed eternal as far as giving everyone what gives life meaning is more and more turning into something that is now clearly an artifice in the process of being actively constructed/destroyed.

Your abilities meanwhile have been developing, moving from one where you struggled with the most fundamental things, without which you could not start, to one where the labor is coming to feel effortless, built into you, clear and bright. Given all this, the cards advise the following: You are aware of some of the fundamental conflicts underlying your situation, and you should move to going through an unpleasant cycle of conflicts. I think this means you should go through some cycles of interviews.

(i mean you can always reject their job offers, but it's a good way to Be Ready END OF READING)

hopefully this is helpful! please leave a tip and some feedback, or just one of the two, or neither; it's your choice, and we respect that

#nouveau tarot nouveau

[pinespittinink]

For the tarot writer asks! 01, 12, 19, 28 (hope it's okay I've just put the numbers 😅). ^_^

01. THE MAGICIAN: SPARK OF MAGIC (What inspired you to write your novel?) 

Ah, The Great Glavenisean Theater <3 my latest and funkiest beloved. I can root the inspirations for TGGT back to several sources, including The Phantom of the Opera, Moulin Rouge, The Great Gatsby, and the mvs for fka twigs's Cellophane and ateez's Treasure. I wanted to write a story set in a theater about a theater, but that changed tremendously, as it usually does with me. TGGT is still a story set in a theater about a theater, 100%, but it is also not about the life in a theater that I had envisioned when I set out.

12. THE HANGED MAN: STUCK (What do you do when you have writer's block or find yourself stuck?)

I take a break really. Nowadays, I'll pick up a book and read. For years I would go for walks, especially night ones, and mull everything over. But taking a break helps. Alternatively, I just trudge on through until I remake the groove.

19. THE SUN: POSITIVITY (What is your greatest writing strength or skill?)

Description, especially pertaining to nature, architecture, and general physical setting, and emotional content and deep-dives, particularly for grief and romantic love.

28. SEVEN OF CUPS: OVERWHELMED BY CHOICE (How do you decide which story idea to pursue? How many do you have?)

I have uhhh, *counts on fingers* about eight wips that I would dive into fully, some that are in pre-drafting, kernel brainstorming states, others that I've had for years, and one or two that I have complete drafts for (looking at you Bloodlines). In the past, I will end up working on a few projects simultaneously if I'm unsure, and then end up going with which is the furthest along. Sometimes inspiration just strikes, but I also have deep-seated connections to a few of those wips where I feel like I owe it to them to write the story by now, god damn it.

✨ author tarot challenge ✨

#thank you! #asks #pertinax loculos

[cookinguptales]

Hello all! I'm awake and conscious and ready for some fun Friday the 13th shenanigans.

Before I get started, I'll make my feelings about tarot clear like I always do. I am not psychic, and idk if I even believe in people being psychic. I definitely don't believe that I can tell your future through cartomancy. But tarot, like horoscopes, works well because it operates based on very vague and basic ideas that cater to most people's lives. Most people think about love and money and friends and creative projects, whether positively or negatively. It's easy to see yourself in the cards because the cards are based on very basic human tropes.

All that said, I don't think that's a bad thing! It's like that old saying, y'know? If you want to make a choice, flip a coin -- then think about which outcome you were rooting for. I think that tarot cards and their archetypes can appeal to almost anyone, but in very personal and different ways. I think that can be something that helps you organize your thoughts.

So, y'know, if I say something vague and it makes you think of something specific, maybe that's a thing that you need to be thinking about. Maybe it's near to the top of your thoughts for a reason. I don't think anyone should make important decisions solely based on a tarot reading, but if you find yourself "rooting" for a certain outcome, maybe that's something you should pay attention to.

I'm not psychic and I don't know your life -- but you do, and you should listen to yourself!

Anyway, just my two cents. I'm about to order pizza and start the movie, but I'm also opening my askbox up to tarot requests.

Here's how it works:

I am pulling 13 tarot decks from my collection to celebrate Friday the 13th. These are in a random order currently, but I suppose they'll be revealed as people choose them.

Send me an ask with a number 1-13 as well as something that'll identify you. Like an emoji or something, idk. (I say this both because I get a lot of anons for this and because if I just get a bunch of "13"s, they all look the same in my notes and idk what people are responding to.)

If you've seen me do this before and have a specific deck you'd like to request, that's fine, too! I can't make any promises, but if I have it on-hand, I'll be happy to use it for you.

As usual, I will be doing both serious and silly readings! If you'd like me to do a reading based on the traditional readings of the cards, please let me know that you'd like a serious reading. If you'd like me to make up some harebrained reading based on the images on the cards, like a skeleton Halloween party or some torrid love affair between people buying far too many swords, I'm happy to do that as well! Just let me know you'd like a silly reading!

I have decks in my collection that are either full 78-card decks or Major Arcana-only decks. A lot of people only like to use the former for readings as it can provide a more nuanced and traditional reading, but a lot of other people don't care! If you have a strong preference either way, just let me know and I'll swap out the random deck you've chosen for one that fits your needs.

To combine the last two points, I also have a lot of very silly decks! A lot of those are Major Arcana-only, but not all of them. I think it's fun to do tarot with something like Gravity Falls or Lisa Frank or The Muppets or one that's exactly like the Rider-Waite-Smith tarot but all the humans are replaced with like. Parakeets. If you do not want a silly deck, be sure to let me know about that, too!

Uhhh, I think that's it! If you think there's anything else I should know, just lmk! I'll just be doing basic three-card draws, so let's have fun with it. I've already had my nap, so I'll probably be going all night. That said, I'll probably get kind of drunk and silly as things go because I fully intend to drink through these movies. So if you want me fully lucid, get in on the ground floor.

Okay time for pizza and.... Jason? I think that Friday the 13th is Jason. It's my first time watching them and I will be livetweeting them on twitter. lmao

#tarot shenanigans #askbox is open but it'll be a while until I get the first one up probably #gotta pull the decks and also get that pizza

[firespirited]

Found a tall afra body for Lena, they have smaller neck holes so it was a struggle until I remembered i have wirecutters and can trim that anchor to be a smaller disc, i'd prefer a curvy but the diversity in sizes makes them look like friends or sisters.

Cherry Merry muffin cracked open: kiwi was not the right choice of fiber for aged vinyl despite the nice pastels. The white is nylon and it's got a teensy bit more grip in each head hole. I'm stuck, my first thought was new hairline but that didn't work out for my last two kiwi headcracks. No idea how to proceed short of finding exact nylon matches later when I have some hobby money for supplies.

Daya is rocking the granddad hairdo as I didn't have the patience tonight to realign the coral nylon that got misaligned during the dyeing and washing process.

So new project it is! Because juggling 20 different projects at once is actually the only way you're going to find one that fits your particular brain mood of the moment, provided you don't have a cascading error message when you attempt to figure which one to go with.😂

Marinette is a clone with thin vinyl, she was only rooted round the edges when she arrived so she gets her front lines first so we can tell if she's going to break before there's a whole head of work.

A lot of people like to start with the front first, it allows you to visualize the final product from early on. I like to start at the second line in back so I can establish a sense of what spacing, plug size and pressure works best in an area that won't be visible if it's a little ugly.

Sometimes a head lends itself well to circle patterning (Licca with a tiny pencil in her neck rotates nicely on your workspace) othertimes the parting first then a front to back series of lines and then detailing for the 'corners' and first line.

There's no right or wrong way to proceed: it's all about finding small victories like in finishing the circle on the back of Barbie's head for example and balancing that with what's a comfortable position to work in while keeping the head in place. If that takes drawing arbitrary pencil lines or a 40min podcast episodes worth as goals for the day and you manage just one: Do It.

Arts and crafts that you can't totally zone out for are all about managing the tedium with made up goals and rewards.

You're not supposed to endure it and if the tedium and focus is too much then it's fine to find a craft that better suits you. I know folks who make amazing stuff from the enjoyment of making one crochet square or circle at a time, one japanese folded silk patch at a time then bringing it all together into a garment or quilt once they've done a large amount.

#dolls #saf #ooak #rerooting #Crafting #Not the hussle crafting for the fun of making a thing #Tutorials #Add an aside about rerooting methods

[dzpenumbra]

8/1/23

I can't begin to explain how drained I am.

I had a headache for most of the day. I just drank a cup of chai at like midnight (it's 1:15) because I realized I hadn't had caffeine all day and that's probably why I have such a bad headache. Now, that caffeine is kicking in, the headache is melting away, but I'm extremely aware of how utterly exhausted I am.

I woke up after 5 hours. I immediately put my headphones in and tried to go back to sleep. I stopped myself from trying after exactly 15 minutes. I checked my email and found messages from my therapist.

I had emailed my therapist before I talked to my former friend who offered me the graphic design commission. He replied. I read what he said as... kinda siding with graphic design and... "take what you can get"... I scanned his messages and got that message very clear from him. I replied emphasizing that design and art are not only different fields, they're entirely different workflows. I tried very hard to express how having someone go around and advertise me as a graphic designer doesn't help me as an artist, it would help me as a graphic designer. And, since the people who are looking for design are not typically looking for creative input... they're looking for someone who knows how to use software to make the thing they are envisioning... in some ways this actually damages my non-existent reputation as an artist.

I'm fucking tired of explaining this. But here I go again, on one last hoorah before I fucking finally tap out of this. Someone comes up to me and says "I'd love to help you out." They claim to "like my style", yet proceed to tell me how they avoid Instagram like the plague, when I had specifically asked them to check out my recent work before the meeting. Then, in the consultation, they have very clear ideas of what they want done and how... which leaves little room for "my style". My style, the one that he's familiar with... is realism, organic blending, colored pencil and pen work. What he commissioned... was a vector-based low-detail letterhead and t-shirt graphic for a welding company. TELL ME THAT'S NOT BULLSHIT. He doesn't want my style, he doesn't even want to take 35 seconds to google my style, or click the direct link to my portfolio that I gave him. I doubt if I asked him right now, he could tell me what my alias of over 10 years is, the one I've been using for my art for 4 years.

He claimed to want to help my career. And his way of helping is... to help himself. With a logo he needs. And "hey man, maybe people will see that logo and go 'that's pretty cool' and I'll send them your way!" <wink wink nudge nudge> Awesome. Nothing I'd like more than to do a logo for the trucking company you're doing specialty welding for. Let me see, what other projects do I have going right now... I'm doing hand-painted grip tape, I'm doing hand-made jewelry, I'm doing a hand-painted goat skull, I'm doing hand-painted customized clothing (hoodie, and soon pants too), I'm doing mini Zen gardens for artistic and functional and living home décor. Now, when you see my work, my "style"... does designing a fucking logo for a trucking company mesh with that? Are they my... target demographic?

Not only do I not know how to make logos... I don't really fucking care how to make logos. I don't. I care so little about making logos that I have been streaming and have had an online presence for my art for over 4 years and I have never once made a logo. Because I have art I can put in that spot instead.

Now... this anger, this frustration that's coming out here. This frantic need to explain and justify my position here. I found out what this is today. It was really hard for me to break myself out of it, and it's even hard to do now. I have this frantic beast in the back of my head saying "keep explaining, you're right there. Then THEY will understand. Then THEY will... help. And things will start working." It's... kinda panic. But rooted in trauma. A series of traumas that rocked me to my core; a lifetime, really. And I'm reliving it... right now. Right this moment. Those feelings, that franticness, that "I'm so close, I just have to find the right words".

It's fucking... I legit can't even put it into words. I handwrote 2.5 pages of business notes on 5 hours of sleep. I typed out monthly and weekly survival budgets, a budget of baseline survival expenses. Survival. That should've been a big red flag there.

I figured it out a bit too late, around 9:30 PM tonight. But all of these freakouts of like... It is exceptionally EXCEPTIONALLY rare that someone comes into my life and offers to help me. With fucking anything. And I was just like... "holy crap, this changes everything." And the dipshit offers to help me with shit that has nothing to do with my work, and clearly has not even looked at my work. Not only is that a bad friend, it's really a bad client. He didn't even do his research on who he was getting work done from, or quote a price first. He just dove right in and started shmoozing and bullshitting. And then shot one of my spirit animals with a .45 pistol with hollow-point bullets while on the phone with me.

So... since it's exceptionally rare that someone offers me help, I feel like I can't afford to say no. I'm in the middle of Bumfuck, Alaska, and a trade caravan is passing through. Can I afford to not stock up on food? It could be years before the next offer to help me. And then the help offer... it doesn't even fucking help my career. I, as a fine artist, art blogger, whatfuckingever the term is going to be... I'm not going to put my fucking logo for a welding company in my portfolio of fine art that I'm sending to goddamn galleries. It. Makes. Me. Look. Bad. And I'm not proud of it. It is, at most... partially my work, and most definitely not my vision.

I'm still doing the explaining thing... So yeah, I get panicked. I feel like I need to frantically explain, so they'll understand. So they'll get what I actually do. So they'll get what my career is. And then they'll go "holy shit, wow, I had no idea. That's fascinating! How can I help you?" And I'll start rattling off ways they can help me.

But... haha... BUT... They don't care. They don't. They're not a fan. "It's not my thing." "I don't like that website." "I don't have the time." "I'm not good with technology." Excuses are like assholes, everyone's got 'em and they're all full of shit.

The reality I've been avoiding is that... this guy doesn't actually care about me. He just knows I have integrity and I will get the job done, and won't rip him off... in fact, I'll probably just give it away to him for free, just like his ex-wife's S-tier tattoo design. Because of my whole monastic, people-pleasing, be-a-good-guy approach to life.

It all revolves around the idea of... support. That really meaning, at its core... social acceptance. Society (literally any person in society, ideally multiple) showing an interest in what I do and having a place for my contributions. And the reality is... I don't have that. I'm orbiting society. I'm barely even noticed. Both personally and professionally. It's rare for me to even experience eye contact.

So... when I rush to clean my whole house and mock up 6 prototypes overnight... and the dude makes up a bunch of excuses like "I don't want to look at a bunch of girls on multimillion dollar yachts pretending to be hot shit or something" as a way to exclude himself from pulling his phone out of his pocket and looking at ANY of my online media... so he can familiarize himself with what I do... The reality is very plainly, very simply... he doesn't care. And that is what it is. He is not a fan, he is not a friend, he's just making a practical business deal with an on-hand resource. And quantifying that actually, in a weird way, helps me ground and relax. It lowers the stakes, the gravity of the loss if I were to say "no".

I'm Tom Hanks in Castaway... And he's a boat that pulls up to shore, asks for directions, takes some of the castaway's food and fucking leaves. As things lie right now, he's in no way doing me a favor short of giving me money for services rendered, a service that I have never offered. That's not him doing me a favor, that's him offering me a job in a different field. But... I am doing him a favor. And it would be very smart for me to remember that I have the power in this situation.

God, I just keep sinking into that whirlpool. I wonder how visible it is. It's like I get two sentences in and I start explaining and justifying again, as though I don't already understand. THAT process. The... invasive pull of every thought stream back to that same concept... "HELP ME". And the survival instincts that come with it. "I'll be here forever." "I'll never make it." Like being stuck in purgatory. And the frantic, demeaning having to explain myself over and over to ears that are not quite not listening to me... but rather... listening to my contributions to the conversation as though I am a 7-year-old kid with a box of crayons at the grownups table at a family reunion.

That image fucking sums it up, in my experience. I don't even know how to put that into words, that feeling. Not quite humiliation... kinda degradation? Diminution? Infantilization? Oh fuck, yep, thank you Google for verifying it. That's it. Infantilization. And then I'm panicked and feverishly jawing like a 7 year old trying to tell them that Santa Claus is actually real.

The past several days of my journal has been full of this. It's clear as day. That. That's a PTSD response. I'm piecing it together. It's an emotional reliving of a life of related fucked up traumas. Really really fucked up things, that you really shouldn't do to other people, that happened to me. And when something similar to it shows its face? This happens. I can't sleep. I'm haunted for days. I fall asleep ranting to the ceiling. I wake up ranting to the ceiling. I come up with survival plans to provide a sense of security and safety.

I'm... so... tired. It's only 2AM and I can barely keep my eyes open. What this shit does to me is utterly savage. I'm so deeply grateful for the work I've put in to be able to identify it as it's happening now. And it really didn't take that much time for me to be able to go "oh fuck, I know what you are. I see you."

Where I need to be right now? Instead of the Past? Instead of the Future? Now. I need to be Here and Now. And that's what I did. I tapped out of the ambitious plan to finish the grip tape today and I decided to do some self-massage on my quads instead. I don't really know how to angle myself so my legs are relaxed to properly do it, but I did some and I feel much better for just... stopping the franticness and the freaking out... and just relaxing and doing something nice for myself. It helped.

So... I'm going to go to bed early. Because fuck it. Maybe I'll even watch a TV show in bed or something, I don't know. It's been ages since I watched a TV show or a movie. Because it's a nice, quiet, beautiful night. The temperature is not too hot, not too cold. The moon is full(ish). And one of my bean plants looks like it might actually make a full recovery! (The other sadly didn't make it. -_-) The world isn't all doom and gloom. There is peace here. Good lord, if it's one thing I'm insanely grateful for, it's that I turned my home into a place of peace, healing and inspiration. In a very dedicated way. Living in a space that nurtures life, in which I am cultivating lifeforms, has a very different feel to it.

Anyway, I'm gonna go do that. I just really felt like it was worth writing that, about catching myself in my flashbacks. Again, I had no idea that was what was happening, I was just feeling insanely strong emotions. So, that's a huge step forward. I even messaged my therapist back and apologized if I was intense and thanked him for his patience, and he knew, and seemed really relieved that I was able to figure it out myself. Good lord. That's so crazy. So much of mental health self-care is really, at its root, a very broad sense of self-awareness.

I could go on for ages. But I'm literally nodding off. Bye.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of thoughts #stream of consciousness #ptsd

[middlenamesage]

Asteroids have meaning, literally all of them (and sometimes truly not so subtle) and you can't convince me otherwise after finding myself going down an asteroid binge rabbithole of exploration this Sagittarius season. Between getting inspiration from google searches/internet forums to look up more of the widely known asteroids in charts that I had not, and playing fun games like "Let's see if there is an asteroid named for this person in my life, and where it falls in my chart/theirs/etc", or "Don't mind me, just scrolling down the astro.com asteroids list, stopping at any asteroids that catch my attention with a name that has obvious meaning", I have blown my mind far too many times to count with this recent pastime. (But can it really be called blowing your mind anymore when astrology does that all the time? 😂)

Some of the most stand out examples of my personal discoveries in the last few weeks:

1.) When I saw asteroid "DNA" I could surmise that it'd have something to do with familial inheritances. Turns out my "DNA" is conjunct my mom's Jupiter in Gemini. What's especially interesting about this is my mom and I both have Jupiter in Gemini as our chart ruler (though I'm a Pisces rising, and she's a Sagittarius rising.) My Jupiter is also my one planet in the 4th house (mom, roots). I had always thought I had way more Geminian qualities than seemed to be indicated by having only my Jupiter and IC (not conjunct) in Gemini. I had long figured it must have been the impression left by my mom's 7th house stellium (which can be so easily projected to others) in Gemini, falling into my 3rd and 4th houses. But I think asteroid DNA's position in my chart just really confirms this hunch of what carried on to me through my mom. I am now super fascinated by this asteroid for this and some other connections I have made in my family.

2.) When I was scrolling down the list, "Deception Island" caught my attention and gave me a laugh. I also knew right away whose chart I had to look it up in. Someone once in my life who could not help his compulsive lying. Lo and behold, Deception Island is conjunct his Mercury, planet of thinking and communications.

3.) Ok, now moving into a couple of my namesake examples, I'm gonna start to get maybe even a little more "creepy" uncanny. I'm currently dating a Justin. Closest thing to a namesake for him is asteroid "Justino", so I gave it a look up. Guess what? Justino falls in his chart in exact conjunction with his Sun (the proverbial heart of everything). But that's not it. Where does Justino fall in my chart? That exact same sign and degree as his (and 2 degrees from my Juno). Yes, there are 360 degrees in the zodiac, but here we are, 2 people 9 years apart with an asteroid that seems to move relatively fast, both sharing his "namesake" asteroid at the degree of his Sun. (And to take this even a bit further, this is all at 13 degrees Virgo, when 13 is "my" number that I've always commented seems to come up a lot in my life.)

I don't know if this means he's "the one", or just someone who will be remembered in my life, but it's one of my discoveries too uncanny not to comment upon.

4.) Continuing with the crazy namesake connections. And also getting the most gritty personal now.

Not that long before I got into astrology, when I was pregnant with my child who I ultimately surrendered for an adoption at birth to parents I picked through an adoption agency, I had thought about naming him Felix. When I found nothing for the name I know my bio child now, I got the idea the other week to look up if there's a Felix asteroid. Well, asteroid Felix is conjunct his Sun by 3 degrees. Where is it in my chart? Conjunct my 5th house Cancer Chiron. (Of course I'd already known ever since my very first deep dives into astrology that losing my child to adoption was one big manifestation of my Chiron wound.)

To elaborate on this situation with some more eye-catching symbolism, I found my child has asteroids "Angel" and "Child" exactly conjunct in his chart (two asteroids I had already been starting to become particularly interested in just before that discovery). In our synastry, you'll find his "Angel Child" written out on my descendant (conjunct by less than a degree).

5.) Achilles is pretty self-explanatory. Think of Achilles' heel. Our downfall. I hadn't guessed where it would be before I looked it up in my chart, but I like to think I would have thought of my South Node (it has a 1 degree conjunction with it). I know the South Node can be anyone's downfall if leaned upon too heavily, but it has seemed extreme in my case (to the point of me developing very deep and difficult to crack resentment for it). Hell, I've even asked in a Facebook astrology group before if other people hate their South Node like I do. Ha!

Also on the Achilles topic, I found after I realized that my dad had it 1 degree from where my Mom's Moon is, that they have an Achilles-Moon double whammy in synastry! Then I discovered they have a Moon-Achilles conjunction under 1 degree in their composite chart as well!!! One's an Aquarius Moon and one's a Cancer Moon, their Moons are very different, and I had already observed the Moons to be the most stressed out part of their synastry. I would say especially in the past they never did have much emotional security with each other, but perhaps because of an otherwise decent looking synastry packing a lot of gravity, they just always stuck it out. You could in fact say that Moon stuff, with the huge Achilles-Moon theme, has been a downfall in their relationship, but they've somehow been together like 35 years now, narrowly escaping separation a number of times, and I will say that over the years it at least seems like they've begun to work some of these issues out... probably starting when the kids left the home (moon stuff).

It's not surprising I have Achilles-South Node though, having come from a childhood with so much Achilles around me, so heavily influencing my nurturing. (I see the South Node as just as reflective of the beginnings of this life, as it may potentially also be of influences that came before our life.)

*****************************

Sometimes it feels as if astrology must be some sorta code that we already unconsciously know. And one thing I have continually come to see is that nothing out there is meaningless. This doesn't mean I recommend diving into asteroids (or fixed stars, or midpoints, or whatever) before you've learned your basic astrology. But for the skeptics of ever exploring outside the more widely traversed territories of charts, I would remind you that everything has meaning which we give meaning. And we know our own meaning of that which unfolds in our life better than any other source can tell us, even if this knowing can operate purely from the subconscious. Astrology can shine a light on and validate what we sensed all along, and there is no end to the ways it can do this.

#astrology blog #astrology #asteroid astrology #asteroids #astrologylover #sagittarius season #astrology notes #astrology observations #natal chart #synastry #astro community #spirituality

[phoenixtakaramono]

So I'm here to say that I really love your Bingyuan fic! The research you do for it and share with us is just amazing! I also have a q regarding LBG. From SV we know that he felt admiration for his Shizun so do you think that if SJ wasn't cruel to him LBG's admiration would've grown into love and attraction like it did in LBH's case for SY? Which then also raises a question: would LBH/LBG fall in love with any Shizun who was kind to him? Or was he just drawn to SJ's type of personality. WDYT?

Hi there, Anon! I’m glad you’re liking the Untold Tale! Thanks for reading! I think it lowkey helps when the story I’m writing (in general) is from a culture I’m familiar with and that I know some of its language nuances (just general Mainland dialect; I’m unfamiliar with Shanghainese, the Beijing dialect, etc etc). So fortunately for me, as someone who is Chinese but was born in the Western side of the world speaking Mandarin to family and friends, emulating the Chinese aesthetic and atmosphere in TUT comes a little bit easier to me than someone who did not grow up with this culture. I bet if I had been raised in China, I would be able to write something even more multilayered and deep but, alas, the youthful rebellious me of the past hadn’t taken my pinyin and Chinese character writing lessons seriously so I can only communicate verbally and understand audibly 😫. It’s very special for us writers in fandoms to be able to write a story of a culture that we actually know and can identify with. But high key it’s been immensely fun injecting some references of things I’ve come to notice from watching period C-dramas and the C-novels I’ve read, and I’ve come to learn interesting things about Chinese history and mythology even I didn’t know! So the story really writes itself.

Shen Jiu (OG!Shen Qingqiu)

To answer your question 🤔, to be honest this is why the SVSSS fandom is great—because there’s so many interpretations of the original source material. That’s why we have our headcanons and fanfictions to explore these many different possibilities. So for me personally, I can see it happening both ways: *1) LBG does develop a crush/falls in love with SJ, or 2) no matter how SJ treats him LBG regards him respectfully or coldly. I think Possibility 1 is more likely, since SY transmigrated into SQQ and we saw what happened with “Bunhe.”

Now, mind, for Possibility 1 to be more likely to happen, the SJ in PIDW will have to undergo a massive personality change/ a change of heart/ develop a good conscience and will need to clean up his image aka clear up the massive misunderstandings from PIDW canon (like him being mistaken as a pervert for Ning Yingying, visiting whorehouses, killing LQG, etc). It’ll be difficult though considering who Airplane has changed SJ into for his stallion harem novel (reading through SVSSS, my impression of PIDW besides it being the harem stallion novel is that it sounds similar to a “dog blood plot,” where audiences tune in to see how the villains are brought to justice). I literally have a line from TUT in a future chapter where SY says this about SJ since I will resurrect SJ and bring him into the story for closure:

People like Shen Qingqiu naturally had a set of deeply-rooted values. If one wanted to change them, it’d be easier to just have them reincarnate. (—TUT, ch???)

At his core, he’s a flawed man (which makes sense with the underlying cycle of abuse theory, considering his upbringing and backstory). He’s jealous and petty and prickly. His image is that of a proud and cold immortal. In Chinese terms, he’s the type of character archtype who I can see being àojiāo (definitely not canon characterization; this is just a stray thought that amuses me) in a romantic relationship.

LBH will have to recognize that^, or be in a position where he finds SJ’s caustic side endearing instead. He will also have to be extremely patient with him (although, since the joke in SVSSS is that LBH is an incurable M, it shouldn’t be that hard).

A fun thing about OG!SQQ is that he’s the cannon fodder scumbag villain of PIDW. He’s the reason LBG blackened from a white lotus. And, as you know, villains aka antagonists aka bad boys resonate strongly with people for a reason. That’s why we see a lot of Enemies to Lovers tropes, etc. It squicks me to use this phrase but “the allure of dating a ‘bad boy’ is strong.” SJ is that type of bad boy we could identify as a “fixer-upper project” (ugh, that phrase)—even with the red flags and warning signs—especially for those said to have a troubled past with rejecting neglectful parental figures/ family members/ friends and have have not outgrown their wish to convert that sort of person into a loving, accepting person. When we want something we can’t or shouldn’t have, our desire for it grows exponentially. In fanfiction this is a concept writers and readers can explore safely in a world of the imaginary.

From a Meta Perspective

Although, if we look at it meta-ly, the cold and proud and/or knowledgeable Shizun (teacher/ master) character who comes to know love and “is redeemed” by whomever is the love interest (typically a cute and quirky girl who may or may not have started off as naive to the innerworkings of the Cultivation World and therefore needs an established and mature mentor to guide them) is a very well-known archetype for a reason in Chinese fan culture.

Seeing a terrible person change their ways and try to become a better person because of the influence of the one they love is also a popular depiction for a reason.

It’s almost like gap moe. The crueler and aloof one starts out as (arrogance is a staple), the more impactful the shift is when we see such characters soften their edges.

The draw of the sacred master/disciple relationship is that it’s taboo, so I think it’s fair to say that such a relationship in fiction is a popular trope precisely because of this aspect. From a writer’s perspective, the main appeal is to show that there is someone out there who can cause this respectful figure to lose control (undergo emotional change) and go to great lengths to protect his/her precious person. That precious person also has to fall into the “not like other girls” trope (so they can show the ML a different world he would not have seen the beauty of before). On the other side, we look forward to the point of the story where the love interest has their “Oh” moment and realizes their admiration has somehow shifted into love and attraction over the course of events.

Other Romantic Possibilities

It’s very likely. I personally like the fanon headcanon where anyone with Heavenly Demon blood running through their veins feels a compulsion to “obsessively fixate on one person” (TLJ —> SXY, LBH —> SQQ). Personally I don’t recall if this was canon or fanon, but someone had written something about LBH imprinting on one person in his lifetime on the account of his demon nature. And I like that theory (I think it’s likely more fanon than anything but it’s an intriguing idea full of possibilities!).

For him to fixate romantically on one person, I personally don’t think the prerequisite is just by being kind to LBH (but it probably adds to the person’s appeal). There’s probably other factors that go into this to capture the male protagonist’s eye, such as him finding someone attractive (or passes his own personal standards) and/or having good chemistry with that person. So I could see him being into other Shizuns and whomever else. Personally I also think there is appeal in the unobtainable. It’s one thing to have someone’s affection (see LBG and his harem of 600 wives who definitely aren’t shy about giving him affection), but it’s another to know you’ve earned the affections of someone you really like and respect (especially if it’s someone thought to be unobtainable).

As long as the writer can provide a plausible justification for me to suspend disbelief and they set up events to justify it, I can swallow just about any ship possibility. It doesn’t necessarily have to be SJ’s type of personality. (For example, I read a very good fanfiction before where the writer paired Luo Binghe with Ming Fan. Ming Fan, people!!! And they actually pulled it off! What a madlad! Mind, it’s Shen Yuan who had transmigrated into MF in that premise, but the writer set up events that showed how these two characters came to bond and develop a deep friendship which inevitably had LBH developing a crush on his shixiong. I use this as an example because this is the type of unexpected (crack)ship, but because the writer did their work trying to make it seem plausible, we can only admire their hard work and effort at pulling it off.)

As the saying goes, there are plenty of fishes in the sea! As the protagonist, LBH/LBG can have many OTP possibilities with just about anyone as long as the writer can make it plausible. It’s all about the character development and the story/ central themes they wish to tell with the ship!

(Note, these really aren’t hot takes, lol. I’m just having fun answering to this casually from the perspective of a writer. Thank you for your Ask, anon!)

#svsss #shen jiu #shen qingqiu #bingqiu #bingjiu #ask #anon #answered #replied #the untold tale #lowkey I like villainous SJ than misunderstood uwu SJ #because let evil ppl be evil #he did terrible things and he has to own up to it even if he had a tragic backstory #I say all this but I like SJ lol don’t get me wrong #I see a lot of romantic possibilities and not just one for LBH/LBG #and this is a direct cause of me being a writer #I just see a lot of possibilities #and I happen to favor what I favor #but I do see other possibilities #thank you for the ask Anon! #phoenix talks

[fictionwordcounts]

Home [Anakin x Reader]

Word Count: 2000+

Summary: You're on the desolate planet of Dagobah, and things are a far less than exciting. However, someone crashing close to your home changes everything.

Requested on Wattpad.com at StarkWars084

You were whittling away at a stubborn piece of wood when you saw a ship of some sort fall from the sky not far away. You jumped up from the small chair you had made and examined the smoke trail in awe. Nothing exciting ever happened on this disgusting swamp planet and you absolutely had to go to the crash sight.

Smiling to yourself, you climbed down your tree house and headed off in the direction of the crashed, mysterious object. Wading through the thick mud was easy and you started walking a ways off, but stopped suddenly. You reached toward your back only to grasp empty air-- you'd left your weapon at home. You were furious with yourself for forgetting such an important tool. The planet you were on was nowhere shy of dangerous creatures. Looking over at a large stick on the ground, you decided it would have to do. You grasped it tightly and continued on until you found a broken ship submerged in quick sand. If anyone was alive in there, they certainly weren't now. It was a shame too. You were hoping to find someone (You didn't care who) to make life more interesting. You would have settled for anything in fact.

The sand prevented you from investigating closer, but it was just as amazing from where you were. Sure you had seen ships before, but that was a long time ago, before you came here. The ship was swallowed up quickly by the hungry sand and you strained to see the last bit of the tail disappear. You were about to leave when you noticed footprints leading off from where the plain had been. A sound from behind you made you jump, and you spun around with your makeshift weapon in hand. A man with shoulder-length dark hair and clothes caked in sand stood there. His eyes were kind and calm despite the large stick only inches from his face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," he stated. Even if it wasn't his intention, he had scared you a great deal, and you found yourself unable to lower the stick. He slowly raised his hands and started pushing the weapon down, and you let him since you couldn't do it yourself.

"Who are you?" You asked him once you had found your voice.

"It's alright, I'm Anakin Skywalker. I'm a Jedi, and I can help you off this planet," he answered. "I could take you as far as Coruscant, if you like."

You bit your tongue and changed your mind. I'm not okay with anything! you decided, I wanted anything but a Jedi. The Jedi were the people you had tried to escape in coming here. You had thought you wanted to be one at one time, but they had rejected you when you had failed their ridiculous trials. Now there was one here, though you had chosen to live on one of the most remote planets you could find. You were angry with him though you knew it was not him alone that had denied you the position.

"Well, I'm very glad you've found a way to get home," you said, trying to maintain a steady voice. "You can do so alone. I wish you luck." With that, you spun around and headed back to the home you had made. Sloshing footsteps and swinging branches told you that he was stumbling right behind.

"Hold on!" He called after you. You were nearly running, and you would've kept going, but this was the only social interaction you would get for who knew how long. You rolled your eyes and slowed so he could catch up. "It's dangerous out here alone," he warned.

You slowly turned around and rolled your eyes. "Is it?" you scoffed and took in a deep breath while you tried to get your thoughts together. "Listen, I do appreciate the offer, but I have no interest in heading back to anywhere the Jedi Council is."

"What do you mean back?" he questioned. "You mean you've been there before?"

You glared at him. "Do the Jedi now find things easy to forget?" you felt yourself shaking and tried desperately to stand completely still. You're not mad at him, you told yourself. You knew you shouldn't be mad at all, but it grew more difficult the more he spoke.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what you're talking about," Anakin apologized. "But at least let me take you to a safer, more populated planet." You almost laughed now.

Gesturing to land around, you responded, "Even if I wanted to leave, how would we?" Anakin looked around.

"I'd find a way," He insisted. You knew there was really nothing he could do, but you liked his determination.

Still, you weren't sold on the idea of returning. "Well," you started hesitantly. "If you're going to find a way back, you'll need a place to stay." You gestured for him to follow you. He was surprisingly good at navigating through the mud. He knew exactly where to step and where not to. You guessed it was the Force showing him the way. It had for you, too, before you memorized the land. When you got to the lake that was not far from your tree house, you made Anakin scrub off all the sand off his arms and neck.

When you made it back to your home you showed Anakin the way up the tree. "You built this?" He asked you once he was at the top.

You nodded proudly. "It took me a while, but it finally came together." You ran your hand across the railing you had put up. You were rather proud of your work and had a right to be. It was sturdy and homely which was perfect for where you lived. "You could probably stay just outside my kitchen for now. Tomorrow I'll have to make a proper bed for you."

Anakin nodded to show he understood then looked questioningly at you. "If I'm going to stay here, I need to know your name."

You had completely forgotten to introduce yourself! You scolded yourself inwardly. "Y/N," you told him.

He smiled "Thank you for offering your home to me, Y/N" You knew he was just being polite. He wouldn't have the comfort of a bed like the one you had made, and you couldn't make one now. You didn't have the items you would need, and it was getting too dark to gather any.

"I recommend you don't leave the house until dawn," you suggested. "The creatures here love the dark."

"I wont," he assured you. Even though he was a Jedi, you knew you couldn't leave him to figure that out on his own.

You would help him the best you could. You didn't hate him. In fact, you found it hard to dislike him. But it was impossible to ignore his title: Jedi. Just thinking the name made you shudder.  You wished him a good night, and Anakin took his robe off and lay down on one of your pillows. He pulled the robe over himself to stay warm and you went to your moss bed. It was actually a nice, comfortable bed that took you a while to complete. You looked over at Anakin who was still awake, staring up at the sky, and your stomach twisted. He wanted to go home, but you couldn't help him do that. The best you could do was make sure he didn't freeze, starve, or get killed by ravenous animals, so that's what you would do. You would keep him alive until he could get back home.

________________________________________________________________________________

You woke up earlier than usual and dressed quickly. You decided to go hunting in hopes of finding some meat to balance out the root stew you would make. As you slipped the cotton shirt over your head, you realized that you didn't have any extra clothes for Anakin to change into, and his clothes were still covered in mud that had dried over. Surely, it wasn't a comfortable way to live. You walked over to Anakin who was fidgeting and stirring in his sleep. You would have to make him a change of clothes as soon as possible.

You grabbed your spear and knife and climbed down the tree easily. You wanted to do this quickly so you could start working on the other projects Anakin's arrival had made for you. You waited at some rocks near the lake with your knife in hand. Nudj, you knew, were lizard-like creatures that stayed around this area. You had only killed a few before, but they weren't bad. When a brave nudj climbed the rocks you quickly threw your knife and pierced it's skin. It thrashed for a second before falling still. You knew the alarm it let out would warn the others and keep you from getting anymore from there. You retrieved the knife and nudj and headed to a different patch of rocks. You repeated this pattern four more times until you had three of the lizards to take back. You jogged back to the tree and climbed up. Anakin was awake.

"Good morning," you called to him. His face was pale and there were beads of sweat on his forehead. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Yes, I'm fine." You looked him over worriedly. Treating disease was not something you could cram into today. Deciding to leave him be, you started preparing a stew from roots herbs and the nudj you caught earlier. Anakin came up to you and watched for a little bit.

You turned to him while the stew cooked. "Have you figured out how you'll be getting back?" you questioned.

He shook his head. "No, I haven't, but I'll find a way," he answered confidently. Surely he knew he wouldn't be able to. The only thing that flew on the planet were the bogwings, and you didn't want to mess with them.

"I'll have to make you a change of clothes," you told him. "I'll do that after we eat." You turned back to the food and stirred it.

"Thank you," Anakin said. You pointed to a small pot you had sitting by.

"If you're going to stay here though," you announced. "You'll have to help and boil some of that water."

He smiled and took the full pot to a small fire you had going.

After you and Anakin had finished eating, you walked over to a bin where you kept thread and fabric. You hadn't expected to use it really so you were happy you found a use for it. You sent Anakin to wash the dishes, but it didn't keep him busy for long. He came to where you were working.

"Tell me about the time you were with the Jedi council," he requested.

You stiffened. Of course, he would be curious, but you didn't want to talk about it. You just wanted him to have a magical solution to leave and do so. You hesitated, trying to play out the conversation in your head.

"When I was younger," you started. "All I wanted to be was a Jedi. I looked up to them and my parents did too." A lump formed in your throat. "They noticed me, finally, and I trained for a long time until I became a Padawan. I wasn't long after that my parents were killed. I couldn't preform as well as they wanted me to. I could only think about them, hoping they would come back. It devastated me, and at times, I even felt resentment--hatred. You know that's not acceptable for Jedi." You inhaled deeply and wiped a tear from your cheek with your fingertips. "They expelled me, and I left. I was angry with the council." You gritted your teeth. "I was angry with Master Yoda."

Anakin looked puzzled. "Master Yoda is very wise," he defended. "I'm sure he had a good reason."

You wiped your face and looked at him reasonably. "Master Yoda has it all wrong," you argued. "There has never once been a Jedi who has kept to the code completely. Our emotions make us human, and those that embrace that are the ones he wants to get rid of. He can't turn us into his mindless, emotionless robots to fight his battles for him."

Anakin was silent. The whole time you were talking your hands were working on the outfit for him.

"But never mind," you attempted a smile. "I finished your outfit." You turned around while Anakin switched his clothes. When he was finished you turned back to see your work. You laughed out loud. The clothes looked absolutely ridiculous. They were baggy and blended into each other making it look like one piece.

"Well, it's a start," he teased, smiling. "At least now I'm not covered in sand from head to toe."

You made a note to yourself to practice your seamstress skills later.

You had just finished the bed for Anakin when the sun sank behind the trees. He slept on it well the first night, but he grew restless from nightmares that not even the most comfortable of beds could fix. You often had to sit by his bed with a cold cloth to calm him. He told you they were of his mother. He had to watch her die over and over again every night and it made him miserable. You did the best you could, but that wasn't much. There were nights when he would wake up suddenly, and you would have to speak quietly and soothingly to him until he could fall asleep again. At first it bothered you, but it troubled you more now.

Anakin had stayed with you for two weeks before a ship landed right next to the lake where you were gathering water one day. You dropped the bucket and ran to the ship. The door opened and a light-haired, bearded man emerged confidently. His eyes were tired but that didn't change how he acted.

"Hello there!" he called to you. "Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Obi-Wan Kenobi. Could you give me a hand with something?" Stunned you nodded and beckoned him forward. "I'm sorry about landing here without permission. I didn't think this planet was populated. I'll leave soon, but I seem to have lost something and I need help finding it," he explained.

"What did you loose?" you asked him, though you could already guess. Obi-Wan looked at you warily.

"His name is Anakin Skywalker."

You froze. When Anakin arrived, the thought that he might have someone looking for him hadn't even occurred to you. He was back at the tree house preparing food for the both of you. You weren't sure if you should get him or not. As if he heard his name called Anakin came running up from behind you.

Obi-Wan perked up. "Anakin!" He called cheerfully. "I'm glad you're alive, Anakin. You had us all worried." Despite the fact that this man had brought Anakin a way home, he didn't look all that happy.

"You shouldn't have come for me, Master." Anakin said. "You could've saved supplies and time going on without me."

"Anakin don't talk like that," Obi-Wan commanded. "You are my friend, and I will not leave you like that."

Obi-Wan looked at you. "I thank you for any help you have given my young apprentice. You will be paid in whatever currency you find acceptable." He turned back to Anakin. "Let's go, Anakin. Master Yoda will be happy to know you're alright."

Your heart sank. Anakin had found a way to leave after all. This is what you wanted. You reminded yourself. Once he's gone, life will be normal again. Boring and normal. You didn't want him to go now, but what could you do? It was Anakin's decision, and he was already following his master. You stood there waiting for the ship to take off, but it never did. In fact the door opened once again and both of them walked out.

"Is everything okay?" You questioned with a small glimmer of hope that the ship might not start. Anakin was looking much happier now and Obi-Wan more upset.

"It appears," Obi-Wan spoke first. "That Anakin will be staying with you," he explained.

You looked at Anakin who was next to you now.

"Are you serious?" you asked quietly, though your heart was beating rapidly.

He looked up at Obi-Wan. "Thank you for your training, Master," he said respectfully. Obi-Wan nodded blankly.

"I don't know what I'll tell the council," he said almost talking to himself.

Anakin smiled. "I'm sure you'll think of something," he assured. Obi-Wan looked up and smiled.

"Yes, well, I'll still have to pay you, Y/N," he said. "I'll go and get whatever supplies you'll need." He looked at Anakin again and laughed. "And good heavens hopefully some proper clothes." You both laughed merrily. You felt wonderful and couldn't stop smiling.

Obi-Wan left and Anakin hugged you tightly.

"You're really staying," you whispered.

He chuckled. "Yes, I am." He pulled away and looked into your eyes. "You were right, Y/N. I shouldn't try to push any emotions aside anymore." He rested his hand on your cheek. "I love you, Y/N." He grabbed your hand. "Let's go home."

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