#*please don't send me any - this are purely for others and not me lol*

[royallyprincesslilly]

Lewis Hamilton Masterlist

Here is my long-awaited and asked-for masterlist for all my Lewis Hamilton fics thus far. As a warning, there is a HELL OF A LOT here. WOW, and I am sure there will be a hell of a lot more to be added.

Thank you ALL for reading, liking, and reblogging. I appreciate the reception and the love more than you know. ❤️

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Things To Know:

-I'm Lilly you may call me that or Lee.

-There is a psychologically proven link between content interaction and content creation. Simply, the more interaction with something (content) or someone, the more content is produced. {Wink, Wink}

-If you are sensitive to angst or erotica this may be an uncomfortable, high blood pressure-inducing, hedonistic place for you. LOL.

-Pay attention to my warnings section.

-My content is meant for individuals 18 and older. If you are under 18 please DO NOT INTERACT.

-Do NOT reproduce, or translate any of my work on any platform. I do not consent to that. Also, DO NOT steal what I write. That's an a$$hole thing to do.

-YOU are responsible for managing what content you consume. NOT ME. Heed warnings that open the stories.

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Content Meter:

*Mentions of NSFW content. Not explicit or even detailed.

**Half of the work is NSFW and recommended to be read at YOUR discretion. Can be explicit and/or detailed.

***Most of the work is NSFW. Don't read this at work, or around others you might feel embarrassed with them knowing you're freaky. Very detailed, and very explicit.

****Pure Filth. Don't read this anywhere not private unless you can handle the consequences. All the details, no limits on explicit content. This is NOT "wham, bam thank you, ma'am". There is work being put in!

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Oh, one more thing! Did you know, I take commissions? I do! So have something you want just for you? Send a DM and let's talk about it!

One last thing! My writing takes time, care, energy, and an endless well of creativity. It's as fun for me to write it as it is for you to read it. So, if would like to show your monetary support, appreciation, and or like for me and what I create here, check out my Ko-Fi and CashApp links in my bio.

Thank you in advance for the love. ❤️❤️

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Series/Mini-Series

-If This Is Love Mini-Series {COMPLETED}

Lewis Hamilton x Mercedes Owner Daughter Reader

Title: If This Is Love--

Summary: Against your better judgement, you allowed Lewis to woo you. For 10 months he chased you with more determination than a starving wolf. You finally gave in and found happiness and what you thought was love. Thought is the operative word as you stare at the pictures from his week in Antarctica, pictures that show you definitely had been made a fool of.

{1}-If This Is Love, I Don't Want It | {2}-If This Is Love, You Need To Prove It | {3}-If This Is Love, You Need To Mean It | {4}-If This Is Love, You Gotta Ride For Me | {5}-If This Is Love, It’s Forever

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-A Long Time Coming Mini-Series {COMPLETED}

Lewis Hamilton x Best Friend Reader

Title: A Long Time Coming

Summary: After a long, grueling and stressful 2023 season where Lewis dominated and showed the world once again why he was the best at what he does. He walks away with his 8th championship title and plans with his closest and bestest for some much-needed R&R.

{1} | {2}* | {3}***

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-What We Did In The Dark Series {ONGOING}

Lewis Hamilton x Reader

Title: What We Did In The Dark

Summary: Neither of you planned any of it. You’d met by chance, and everything that happened after had to have been predestined. There was no way blazing passion like what was between you was something coincidental.

{1}**** | {2}* | {3} | {4} | {5}....(Coming Soon)

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-3P Series {ONGOING}

Lewis Hamilton x Famous Singer Reader x Aaron Pierre

Title: 3P

Summary:“Sharing is caring”, “The more the merrier”, “Love knows no bounds”. There are so many quotes that circulate that can be tied to love and relationships. Two of the many you like happens to be “Two is better than one” and “The more the merrier”. Now it wasn’t like you particularly and purposely went out your way to collect men. That wasn’t the case at all. It’s just that there were two gorgeous faces in the sea of bodies at Coachella that you couldn’t decide which you wanted more. So you decided why choose. That was 4 months ago and now everything was much more complicated than you’d ever intended.

{1} | {2}...(Coming Soon)

{More To Come...}

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One,Two, & Three Shots

-Trauma: Hysteria | Trauma 2: (Coming Soon)

-Wasted Time | Wasted Love | Wasted 3: (Coming Soon)

-Forever Mine***

-She Calls Me Daddy Now***

-Everybody Else Is No. 2***

-You First***

-Message My Heart

-Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You**

-Stake My Claim*

-Plus Baby Makes Three**

-Love Will Remember***

-Thirsty Or Parched**

-Just Do It

-One Night****

-True Peace***

-Book Trap {Social Media Collection}**

-Lil' Love*

-4am Drunk Calls**

-Show Me**

-Ion't Even Need 7 Minutes***

-Taste The Rainbow***

-Forever & Ever & Ever & Ever--But Not Right Now**

-Morning Voice {Headcannon}**

-1, 2, 3 {SongFic}***

-It'll Be Fun They Said {Social Media AU}

-Trick Or Treat {Headcannon}

-Forgive Me, I Am A Sinner {Any Celeb}** | No Saints Here...(Coming Soon)

-Going Once, Going Twice (Coming Soon)

-Once Bitten | Twice Shy | Thrice My Lady... (Coming Soon)

-Distraction... (Coming Soon)

-Unruly.... (Coming Soon)

-Slip Of The Tongue.... (Coming Soon)

-Do That Again.... (Coming Soon)

-R&R.... (Coming Soon)

-You Make Me Want.... (Coming Soon)

-Grown Folks Thangs... (Coming Soon)

-Truth Is.... (Coming Soon)

-Behind The Mask | Behind Closed Doors | Underneath Your Clothes | Behind The Name.... (Coming Soon)

-When It Hits Hard.... (Coming Soon)

-Lil' Princess.... (Coming Soon)

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#lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton angst #lewis hamilton x black reader #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton imagine #lewis hamilton blurb #lewis hamilton masterlist #masterlist

[halsteadlover]

Spaces Between Us

*Gif not mine credits to the owner*

• Pairing: Jay Halstead x Female!Reader.

• Requested: yes by anon.

• Summary: you and Jay break up and it’s the hardest thing you’ve even been through. Is it forever over or will you be able to overcome the difficulties?

• Warnings: LOTS of angst and cursing, use of alcohol, slight mention of blood and dead body (it’s not important for the plot but still), I don’t know if there’s anything else please let me know if I missed any <3

• Word count: 19k. Yeah… I know.

• A/N: I’VE NEVER BEEN SO STRESSED OUT FOR A FIC I SWEAR IT’S LIKE IT HAD TO PAY MY BILLS SO PLS BLOW THIS UP. I’m kidding (no I’m not ) but jokes aside, I hope you’ll like this fic even if still shitting bricks at the thought you’ll gonna hate it 😭 so please let me know what do you think and give me any advice if you want. I’m sorry for any mistakes and just so you know this fic dramatic as fuck lol. I love you all and thank you so much I know nobody is gonna read this, like I haven’t already written enough okay bye ❤️

Anyone who tells you that getting together with your best friend is simple because you know each other very well, don't trust them, it's complete bullshit.

And you had unfortunately learned this the hard way.

You really thought your relationship with Jay would be amazing to say the least, the first few months being pure heaven. You were very happy, you sprayed joy from every pore and anyone who met you could notice the toothy smile you continually had on your face.

You thought you knew Jay perfectly and that he knew you perfectly. After all you had been friends for so many years before getting together which is why you believed you knew everything about him, strengths and weaknesses, and he knew the same about you.

Unfortunately, however, this wasn’t true at all and you soon realized reality was very different from what you thought, being in a relationship with someone was totally different from being their friend. When you’re in a relationship you see that person differently, that person becomes the center of your thoughts, and everything they say and do have a weight on you whether you like it or not, you start to analyze everything with different eyes, you pay more attention to details, and you don't miss things that you wouldn't notice with a friend.

And that was exactly what happened with Jay.

You and him had been together for about six months when you started to notice something that among other things slowly took a big toll on you.

Given the nature of your jobs – him being a detective and you being a firefighter – there were times where you weren't able to spend much time together. He never let a minute pass without sending you a sweet text telling you how much he missed you and how much he wanted to be with you, but when it was time to see each other he sometimes preferred to go to Molly's with his friends.

Of course there was nothing wrong with that and you yourself told him to go, but when you started to notice this happened very frequently, taking time away from the two of you, you started to show him your discomfort.

You never wanted to create arguments, you just tried to communicate with him and express something that was starting to weigh on you but he didn't take it that way and a big argument were created from this. You knew Jay, you knew he was the type of person to keep everything inside, to not express his feelings right away, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt you. He accused you of alienating yourself from him, telling you he’d invite you to go with him when he went to Molly's and you were just being dramatic.

You tried to let it go for the sake of the relationship, trying to swallow the lump and think he wasn't doing it on purpose.

But from this episode everything started to go downhill.

When you were with him at the bar, or somewhere else, with his colleagues or friends you couldn't help but notice the way he and his colleague, Hailey, were particularly close. You tried not to let your mind wander, not to listen to your paranoid thoughts but when all you did was see the way they laughed and joked you couldn't keep the jealousy that gripped your stomach at bay.

You had known her since she joined Intelligence. You always knew they were good friends but since you got with Jay you couldn't help but wonder if their relationship had always been like this or if you saw it differently now just because you were in a relationship with him.

As with everything else, you started asking him questions about her and things like that and he didn't think much of it at first but when he started noticing the insistent way Hailey had become involved in your conversations, it started to bother him.

He had tried to reassure you, to tell you there was nothing going on with her but it wasn't enough, since he said the same thing to you too and yet you ended up together. But other than simple phrases and some sweet words thrown into the wind, he didn't seem to do anything to convince you otherwise.

You had never been the jealous type of person, you both had your own circle of friends, but the way Hailey always seemed to be up his ass, bothered you more than you’d never admit.

One evening, after work, you joined Jay at Molly's where you knew he had met with his colleagues and other friends. A strange sensation gripped your stomach as you tried to convince yourself it was only tiredness but inside you knew what the real reason for that anxiety was.

You hoped until the last minute to not see her there, you knew it was wrong, but you didn't want to be in her presence and you didn't want Jay to be either. But when you entered the bar and from afar you saw him and her sitting at the same table, that hope was destroyed in a second.

Jay looked up from her and immediately saw you walk in and a huge smile spread across his face as he waved his hand towards you. You approached the table, greeting everyone with a smile anyone from a mile away could tell was very fake.

“Hi baby, you're finally here.”

Jay stood up and hugged you tightly to his body. You returned that hug, your heart pounding in your chest even though you couldn't just let yourself go completely.

He let go of you and to your surprise pressed his lips to yours in a sweet, chaste kiss, eliciting a series of small squeals and whistles from the table. You giggled and, cheeks burning, went to sit next to Jay on the chair he had kept free for you.

A small smile – this time sincere – appeared on your lips. Jay wasn't the type of person who made sensational or dramatic gestures, he was a rather private person but when it came to you he didn't care about these things, he was very physical and always needed to have you close, to have a hand on you and feel your warmth in a way or another.

But, let's just face it, you loved that gesture mostly because he did it in front of Hailey and the territorial, irrational part of you was doing backflips.

God I don't recognize myself anymore.

“How was work? Wait, first tell me what you want to drink so I can order it for you,” Jay said immediately, an arm around your waist as he looked at you with a sweet smile on his lips. He didn't let you answer though. “You're so beautiful baby, you know that?”.

You giggled like a schoolgirl – being careful to let everyone hear you – and delicately smacking his chest before awkwardly resting your head on his shoulder, trying to hide the bright blush on your cheeks.

He laughed back and left a kiss on your forehead and that was enough to calm you down, to convince yourself he loved you, that he only wanted you, or else he wouldn't have acted so affectionately in front of her.

“What are you drinking?” You asked, feeling his arm move up from your side around your shoulders.

At that same moment a sudden flash blinded both of you for a second and as you looked up you noticed Adam taking photos of you and Jay with his cell phone with a huge grin plastered on his face.

“Ruzek what the fuck!” Jay exclaimed even though he was actually laughing. He paused and then continued, “Make sure to send us those pics man.”

You burst out laughing and at that same moment, while everyone was joking around and making fun of you and Jay, but you couldn't help but glance at Hailey and notice the way her face was twisted into a serious expression while pretending to play along.

You tried not to think much of it, but it disturbed you, because it was just further evidence she had an interest in Jay that went beyond work.

“So tell me about your day baby,” Jay brought his attention back to you when the others finally decided to give both you and him some spite.

“It went well, we only had one intervention. A man stuck in a car after a car accident,” you sipped some of his beer, earning a fake look of disappointment from him, “Really bad story, but everything went well, he survived and they managed to get him to Med's in time.”

“Just because you were there, love.”

“Kiss-ass,” You rolled your eyes, giggling. “How about you? Something interesting happened?”.

What you didn't expect was for Hailey to answer for him, as if she was listening to your conversation the whole time and was just waiting for the moment to intervene. “Oh my god today was hectic. We busted a drug trade. You should’ve seen it Y/n! Jay faced I don't know how many traffickers alone! Come on Jay, tell her!”.

You tried to keep your expression as neutral as possible as you directed your gaze towards her, noticing the way she suddenly perked up and how she looked at your boyfriend.

Did she seriously intruded while you were only talking to him?

Jay on the other hand didn't notice this attitude and laughed with Hailey as they started joking about what had happened that day. They made jokes, laughed as if it was just the two of them and the way his attention had completely shifted towards her caused you quite a bit of annoyance.

You remained silent as you pretended to listen to what they were saying, trying to bite your tongue and not say anything about the fact she was practically hanging on his lips and licking his ass as she praised him.

This was enough to knock your mood into the ground and throw you back into the spiral of paranoid thoughts you managed to keep at bay for a moment.

You hated the way he joked with her, the way they laughed together. Fuck it, he didn't have to feed her illusion and you couldn't even accept how he couldn't see she was blatantly flirting with him.

Your hands were shaking with anger but you wanted to act like a mature person, you wanted to try to stay calm and not let your emotions get the better of you.

“I think I’ll leave now. Jay, can you give me a ride home please? I didn’t came here with my car”.

What? Did I hear that correctly?

You almost had a heart attack, anger now flowing through your veins.

How could she be so bold? Did she forget you were there too?

“Sure, no problem,” was Jay's response and you almost smashed his head on the table. You looked at him in dismay, now unable to keep calm and act like a mature person.

“Jay do I have to remind you I'm here? You’re really going?” you spoke as he was getting up. He looked at you with an apologetic smile, completely unaware of the fact you were furious. You didn't care if they heard you, you didn't care about making a scene.

“But I'm not leaving baby, I'll just take her home and come right back here.” He pressed a kiss to your lips before leaving the bar with her.

You were so angry you couldn't say anything except watch them from afar.

You couldn't believe it.

This was fucking unbelievable.

You looked from the now closed door to Adam, who was sitting in front of you looking at you with frowning eyes and a surprised and confused expression.

“Wow…” you managed to let out, the humiliation forcing you to run your hands over your face for a moment, elbows resting on the table.

“Hey it's okay, calm down,” he tried to reassure you.

“Adam am I seeing things? Is this just my imagination?” You looked at him, still stunned.

He didn't respond but shook his head slightly, effectively answering your question. “But not from his side,” he pointed out “He only has eyes for you Y/n, believe me, but I can't deny this shit isn’t ridiculous.”

“I'm going home.” You blurted out, standing up and not listening to Adam, and then Kim, who tried to calm you down and convince you to stay.

But you couldn't think straight, not at that moment.

Your boyfriend had left you at a bar to give a ride to the female colleague who was actually crazy about him in a way everyone had noticed except for him, without even trying to ask if you wanted to go too or if it was okay with you.

You were so angry, so furious as you had been a few other times in your life, wanting nothing more than to smash something. You hated her, you hated him, you hated yourself for feeling that way.

You hated everything.

When Jay returned to Molly's after about twenty minutes, confusion appeared on his face as he immediately noticed you were no longer sitting at the table as he expected. He approached his friends, not ignoring the dirty looks they gave him.

“Where is Y/n?”.

Kim glared at him, making no effort to show the irritation towards him. “She's gone.”

“What? Why?”.

“Why? Are you fucking serious Jay?” Adam intervened, causing an even more confused expression to appear on his friend's face. His heart was pounding as he thought of every scenario, thinking you hadn't been feeling well.

“What's going on guys?”.

“You're so damn stupid,” Kevin scolded him, sharing the thoughts of his friends. “That was fucked up man.”

“What part of your brain convinced you that taking another woman – who casually has a crush on you – to her house and leaving your girlfriend here was a good idea? Do you understand how absurd this is? She was more mature than me, I would’ve kicked you in your balls,” Kim continued.

Fucking hell.

He realized he screwed everything up really, really badly this time. Without responding to those words, he immediately ran out of the bar, intending to rush to your house.

That night he tried to apologize and make up for it but you didn't want to talk about it and closed the door in his face when he showed up at your house. You didn't care if you seemed exaggerated, or even crazy, you didn't want to give in and you weren't going to let him disrespect you like that.

You completely ignored him for two days, not responding to any of his calls or texts, still too angry to seek a mature confrontation. When you thought you had calmed down, the memory of Jay leaving the bar with Hailey was enough to make you go back to being even more furious than before.

You understood the problem you had was much deeper than you would’ve ever wanted to admit and what hurt you most was not being understood by him.

You spoke with an open heart, you shouted at him and he understood the mistake he had made, promising you he’d try to fix it and stay away from these situations.

This wasn't the case though, in fact this was just one of numerous arguments you and Jay had over the topic of ‘Hailey’. You didn't feel reassured and his attitude did nothing but fuel your unease, making you feel even crazier than you thought.

On the other hand, you understood he too must have gotten tired of arguing about the same things so this contributed to making your relationship with him deteriorate considerably, the lack of trust he perceived made everything even worse.

The breaking point, however, came one morning and from there nothing was the same as before.

That morning you woke up to Jay's cell phone ringing. You had spent the night before together as he stayed over.

“Jay…” you murmured in your sleep, covering your ears to stop hearing that damn ringing. “Who the hell calls this early?”.

Jay removed the arm wrapped around your hip and let out a groan before propping himself up on his elbow and picking up his cell phone, answering the call without even checking who it was. “Halstead”.

You couldn't hear who it was but you turned to him, now giving him your full attention, wide awake.

“Oh yeah I forgot…” he said, rubbing a hand over his face before taking the cell phone away from his ear for a moment and checking the time “Yeah… I know it’s late. I’ll be there in half an hour. Okay. See you later.”

He ended the call before placing his phone on the nightstand and sighing.

“Who was it?” You asked as he stood up.

“I forgot I have breakfast with Hailey…”

Just hearing that name was enough to make your blood boil.

What the fuck?

You couldn't stand her anymore, why was she always around? Why did she always have to interfere? And why the fuck did Jay always have to run to her?

“Jay are you fucking serious?” You exploded, hair standing on end in anger as you jumped up from the bed.

He picked up his pants from the floor, starting to put them on and button them. “I know baby, but I completely forgot it but it's for work I swear or…”

“Work? What kind of ‘work’ is necessary for you to go have breakfast with her? You really think I'm that stupid Jay?!”

“Of course not! What the hell are you even talking about Y/n? I wouldn't even have told you if I had something to hide!”.

“Do you realize what you're doing? Do you realize how you always run to her every time she calls you?! You were in bed with me just five seconds ago and now you're going to her!”.

“I just told you it's for work! We have to go on an undercover mission and we just need to discuss the details Y/n stop implying things that don’t even exist!”.

You ran your hands over your face, frustrated and angry as ever as you watched him put on the shirt.

“Work doesn't tell you to always be up her ass Jay!”.

He looked at you like you had just grown a second head after hearing one of the craziest things in his life. “What the fuck are you even saying? Do you hear yourself when you talk? You realize how ridiculous that sounds? I don’t care about her why are you saying this?!”.

“And of course I'm ridiculous now, great! My boyfriend gets out of bed to go have breakfast with someone else he knew I fucking despise and I'm ridiculous! I'm fucking tired of this relationship and I'm fucking tired of always having her around Jay what the fuck can’t you understand that?!”.

Your words hit him like a tsunami.

I’m tired of this relationship.

Jay felt a sinking sensation in his chest, as if all the air had suddenly been sucked from his lungs. He was silent for a moment, his jaw clenched as he tried not to let the pain caused by those few simple word overwhelm him.

“You’re tired Y/n? You’re fucking tired?!” He almost shouted. “How the fuck do you think I feel when all we talk about is Hailey? You don't talk about anything else! You don't realize how obsessed you have become!”.

“Don't you dare blame me!” You yelled furiously through clenched teeth, pointing a finger at him as you continued to look at each other as if you were both ready to jump on your necks. Your eyes glare at the other, sending lightning and bolts full of anger and resentment. “We wouldn't be in this fucking situation if you had shown me some respect, if you had set boundaries with her! You seem to care more about her than me! Jesus, you know how all this shit makes me feel, you know how much all of this hurts me but you don't seem to give a fuck!”.

“That’s absolutely unbelievable, I can’t even believe how you’re doubting my feeling for you, how can you say something like that? I only have eyes for you Y/n! The whole world knows it, everyone sees it except you! You’re just choosing to let your weird obsession take over everything else.”

“Maybe you’re just shit at proving it because trust me leaving your fucking girlfriend to go have breakfast with another woman doesn’t seem a great way to show her your love!”

“Are you fucking serious right now?”. He clenched his hands into fists to try to maintain the tiny bit of calm he had left, pressing his nails hard against the skin of his palms to vent his anger.

“Yes Jay, I'm fucking serious!”.

“What the fuck are you doing with me then if that's what you think?! Since apparently I can't give you anything and you’re so fucking ungrateful you can't see the good things I do for you!”.

“What the fuck are you doing Jay huh?! Tell me! Is going to Hailey as soon as she calls you a good thing you do for me? Is this how you do it? Flash news my dear, that's not how this fucking works!”.

“I'm not fucking doing anything that’s the damn point! How the hell am I supposed to tell you she's just a colleague and I don't give a shit about her or anyone else but you! Why the fuck do you have so little faith in me!”.

“Because I don't trust you Jay! You really think an ‘I love you’ thrown in every now and then and a bouquet of flowers will fix everything? No it doesn't work like that, you don't solve the problems by just showing a fake reassurance that only lasts a couple of days!”.

“I will have to model myself for her majesty then, to be at her complete pleasure since…-”

You interrupted him. “For fucks sake Jay stop playing the victim! You don't get to do it, you have no right! You're the one going somewhere else what the fuck do you expect from me? Waiting for you with open arms? I'm not ungrateful, maybe you're just a shitty ass boyfriend who can't show me that he cares about me!” You screamed, throwing out everything you had kept inside for a long, long time, regardless of the destroyed and furious expression with which he was looking at you. “You show no respect for me, for my feelings, you don't give a fuck about what I tell you and that’s not even the first time I’m telling you this! It's not the first time I've told you how much this situation hurts me!”.

“Didn't it cross your mind, Y/n, that maybe you're the fucking problem here? That you're so fucking obsessed with that bitch you can't see anything else? That you're just a fucking child and all you can do is whine and whine and whine! You're making my life a living hell with your luck of trust! Every fucking day is a fight about something! You're always so needy, nothing is ever okay with you! Everything I do is wrong!”.

You took a step back at the sound of those words, as if to create a distance between you two. A pain radiated through your chest as your eyes stung while you continued to look at him. You fought with all your being not to let it go, you refused to cry in front of him.

You had come to the realization that maybe you weren't meant to be together, that taking your friendship to the next step was a mistake, you shouldn't have let your feelings get in the way and in that moment you realized that nothing between you would ever be the same.

You looked at each other, furious, both hurt by the words you had said. You looked at each other as if you didn't know each other, as if you were each other's worst enemy and this broke your heart.

“Get the fuck out of my house.” You ordered in a low, trembling tone, a stark contrast to the screams that had been filling the room just moments before. “It's over.”

Did he hear that right?

It’s over.

He was shocked. Getting hit by a bullet would’ve hurt less. He never once thought in his life that hearing you say those words would hurt so damn much, he actually never thought he’d hear those words at all. He swallowed the lump in his throat, suddenly feeling it close and his breath catch, his eyes filling with tears.

“Get out!” You screamed again, your voice cracking from crying. You turned to the window, hands on your face as you waited for him to leave.

You didn't want to see him anymore.

You didn't want him there anymore.

You jumped when you heard the front door slam shut, making a deafening noise. At that precise moment you felt as if all your strength had abandoned your limbs and you fell to the ground, bringing your legs to your chest and crying like you had never done before.

You tried to think through everything that had happened.

You and Jay broke up.

You couldn't believe it, although you knew that moment would come sooner or later.

You had just broke up with the love of your life and felt like the world was collapsing on you. You never wanted it to come to this, damn it, that man was the most beautiful person you'd ever met, you imagined your whole life with him, how could it all be over? How did you end up like this?

Why couldn’t he understand you? Why didn't he try to do it? Why couldn't he see how much you were hurting and how much it hurt to not see any reassurance from him? After all this was what you wanted, just a little reassurance.

You hated him and you hated yourself because despite everything you would’ve taken a bullet rather than see him suffer but you had reached breaking point, you couldn't continue like that.

You loved him so damn much and hated him with same intensity.

You cried all the tears you had in your body, until it was physically impossible for you to expel any more and you remained in that position, sitting on the ground for a time you couldn't quantify.

However, you knew that unfortunately you couldn't stay there forever and that, despite your broken heart, you had a job to do.

As soon as you set foot in the fire station all your colleagues immediately noticed something was wrong. Your eyes were puffy, visible from a mile away even though you were staring at the ground, your posture tense.

You went to your locker and put down the bag with your things inside it, trying with all your being not to cry again. You were at work, you had to be efficient and personal problems had to be left out.

“Y/n, honey, are you okay?” Stella's voice caught your attention but you didn't look at her, you couldn't do it or you would’ve collapsed. You were holding on to the only bit of strength you had to keep from bursting into tears.

“I’m fine.“

“It doesn't seem like it…”

“I'm fine dammit!” You exclaimed loudly, slamming your locker shut and making her jump in fright. You looked at her and a wave of guilt washed over you. “I'm sorry Stel-…” your voice broke as you burst into tears, covering your face with your hands so she wouldn't look at you.

She immediately hugged you and you cried in her arms as she held you and reassured you with all the warmth and affection she had. “Oh darling it's okay, you're not alone, everything will be okay.” She caressed your back and then your hair, while you let yourself go for the second time in less than an hour into one of the most desperate cry of your existence.

Your heart felt torn, completely shattered, as if they had taken it from your chest with their bare hands and dug their nails into it.

“It's okay, I'm here with you, cry as long as you want.”

You had an abyss inside, a storm that was overwhelming you painfully like you never thought it was possible. You didn't believe it was possible to feel such pain, you didn't believe you could even think of suffocating.

And if you were desperate, Jay had reacted in a totally different way.

He was furious.

So angry.

He had never felt something like this, he thought he might explode with anger.

He was angry at you, at himself, at the whole entire world.

It was as if something had flipped a switch inside him, because he could no longer think clearly. After leaving your apartment he didn't know how he managed to get back to his house without getting into an accident, all the way his body was driving but his soul seemed lost, his mind elsewhere.

He slammed the door so hard the noise reverberated throughout the house.

What the fuck had happened? How the fuck did you get to that point? How did you two manage to go from sleeping together the previous night to breaking up the next morning?

It's over.

Your words continued to echo in his brain, repeating over and over again as if he was listening to a broken record.

How could you have done that? How could you have left him?

He was so fucking furious.

“Fuck!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not even caring if the neighbors could hear him. He would’ve punched anyone who dared to approach him at that moment.

He didn't know how or when it had happened but in the grip of blind fury he found himself breaking any object he came across, throwing vases against the wall, chairs, glasses, anything. The deafening silence in that apartment was broken only by the sound of his heavy and uncontrolled breathing mixed with the crashing of objects against the walls.

This wasn't enough though, he wasn't even able to partially calm the anger he felt.

“Fuck everything! Fuck you!” He screamed again as if you were in front of him.

It's over.

Why?

Jay couldn't give himself an answer. He knew things weren't going well for a while but he’d never, ever, ever imagine leaving you. He wanted to face everything with you, any kind of obstacle, because he wanted it to work, because since he had met you and even when you were just friends he hadn’t doubted for a second you weren’t the woman of his life.

He had said horrible things. Things he didn't even think.

You hadn't ruined his existence, on the contrary, his life would probably have ended in the abyss if he had never met you.

He was shocked.

He didn't want to believe it, he just couldn’t.

He was sure everything would be resolved, your love couldn't just end that way. He hadn't spent years pining for you only to lose you like that, just because of a misunderstanding.

His cell phone rang but he didn't pay attention to it as his shining eyes looked at his half-destroyed apartment.

He had to get out of there, he needed to distract himself as he couldn't stay in that damn room where everything reminded him of you, where everything screamed your name. Hell, if he closed his eyes he could hear your laughter filling his apartment as he chased you one night after you stole the bag of chips he was happily eating.

By the time he arrived at the district the intense anger had somehow subsided even though he was in no condition to do anything as his mind was completely elsewhere.

He had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes when he saw Hailey sitting on his desk. It was her fault and he was hating her for it.

Inside he actually knew this wasn’t true, it was only his fault for not being able to do things differently and yours for not trusting him enough but he wasn’t thinking clearly.

“Halstead where the hell have you been?! I waited for you for more than half an hour!”.

Just hearing her voice was enough to make him go back to the anger he had so difficultly tried to suppress. He didn't have the strength or desire to put up with anyone, especially not at that moment when everything in his life seemed to be falling apart.

“Hailey don't start this bullshit okay? God I can't stand you anymore just leave me the fuck alone! And find yourself another fucking partner from now on I’ve had enough of this shit!”.

Jay's loud voice made Voight leave his office but he didn't care just as he didn't care about the shocked expression with which she looked at him, not expecting that outburst in the slightest.

“What is going on here?” Voight's gravely voice echoed through the unit.

Jay gave him a look and without another word he left, ignoring his boss' voice calling out for him. He was walking down the stairs when he bumped into Kevin.

“Hey man dammit! Woah, are you okay?” Kevin asked, stopping in his steps and getting worried when he noticed the frantic way Jay was walking. He didn't answer him, ignoring Kevin completely as he continued towards the exit of the district.

He couldn't do this, he couldn't deal with this.

He couldn't function if you weren't there.

How was he supposed to do it?

-

The two months following the breakup were one of the hardest Jay had to face. Since you had met years ago that was the first time you hadn't spoken and to say he felt like shit was an understatement.

Some would’ve thought the reaction was exaggerated since you’ve been together for just few months, but Jay had loved you long before he even confessed his feelings for you. You had entered his life like a hurricane and now that you left he felt empty.

Empty.

Lost.

That's how he felt.

And not even these words could remotely describe how he actually felt. He was so used to having you in his life, to sharing everything with you, than even after two months he could resign himself to your breakup.

The anger had subsided but it was still there, no longer towards you – or rather only in a small part – but above all towards himself.

He was angry with you because he couldn't accept how you had given up so quickly at the first big obstacle. But then again, who was he kidding, you had every reason to do it and this was the reason why he, on the other hand, was furious with himself.

After the initial shock, as time passed, Jay had reflected on everything that had happened and what had led to the breakup and, also after speaking with his friends and brother, he realized how many mistakes he had done and how right you were saying he had been a shitty boyfriend.

He had disrespected you by not considering your feelings, he had neglected them thinking every problem would just go away on its own.

He had accused you of being irrational, oppressive and he had never realized how harmful these things were, not trying to really reflect on why were acting like that.

But it was too late.

You only realize you had something important only when you lose it, this was so true.

He mistakenly hadn't given enough importance to your feelings, your thoughts, your fears. He hadn't reassured you enough when you expressed your fears, he hadn't done what was necessary to make you go to sleep peacefully at night and he would’ve cursed himself forever for this.

He was hurting but he knew it was nothing compared to what you had been through with his carelessness and superficiality for so long, so he deserved to suffer. It's true, he deserved it – he thought – but every morning he woke up and wondered when it would end, when that emptiness would go way, when that constant sensation of his lungs being compressed and not being able to breathe would stop.

Talking to Adam one time, he pointed out Jay was wrong for not to setting boundaries with Hailey even though their relationship had always been like this even when you and him were still friends.

“We all noticed how Hailey was looking for every opportunity to get close to you man so I'm sorry to say but everything that happened was your fault. You’re like a brother to me you know this, but Y/n has every reason to be furious with you, you should’ve set some boundaries and shouldn't have never let her think another person comes before her. I don't blame her for breaking up with you.”

These words made Jay open his eyes, although ever since that day when he made that outburst against Hailey in the unit he had relaxed their partnership to the bare minimum after asking Voight to change partner. He no longer spoke to her except for work, he no longer went out when she was around, he didn't answer any calls or messages and god only knew how much he wanted to call you to tell you that but he also knew it was too late to fix it since he should’ve done this much sooner.

He thought about how he would’ve felt if the roles had been reversed and he didn't have to think twice about the fact that he would’ve reacted even worse than you did. This obviously only made him feel worse.

The question he asked himself two months ago was never answered.

Jay didn't know how to function without you. He didn't know how to exist in a world where you weren't part of it.

He couldn't sleep well anymore without you beside him and even though two months had passed, every night he found himself looking at the photos of you two and, God, how much he would’ve paid to go back to those moments and be able to relive them.

His gaze landed on one of the pictures Adam took at Molly's the fucking night when he decided giving Hailey a ride home would be a smart thing to do. God, on second thought if he could just go back in time – not giving a shit about seeming mean and insensitive – he would’ve even let her walk in the rain and snow if it meant having you with him again.

A bitter smile played on his lips as his vision blurred with tears. He had cried so much in those past months, more than he’d ever want to admit, and there were countless times where he called Will to come over and always ended up crying in front of him.

Fuck he missed you so much.

How was it possible to want someone so bad? How was it possible to miss someone so much he felt like he was dying everyday even after two months?

He sniffled as he paid attention to the photo again. You were so beautiful and seemed so carefree. He had his arm around your shoulders and you had half your face buried in his chest as you both laughed about something he couldn’t remember.

Jay struggled to recognize himself.

He didn't remember what it was like to be so happy anymore, to smile so much his jaw hurt, to feel his heart full of joy. By now he no longer smiled, if it wasn't for the strained and fake smiles he addressed to colleagues and friends from time to time.

He was so fucking happy with you and he had let slip the only source of such happiness, the only person who had ever managed to make him almost touch the sky with a finger.

He wiped away a tear that had slipped down his cheek as his finger traced the outline of your figure imprinted in the picture. This was all he had left. Just some photos and videos.

You were so beautiful, the most gorgeous woman his eyes had ever had the pleasure of laying on and the way you smiled in those photos, God, your smile was breathtaking.

The movie played in the background as he continued to look back at all the photos and videos of you he had saved in his gallery for the millionth time. He would’ve let someone rip his organs out with bare hands and let them being sold on the black market if it meant having you back.

He wanted nothing more than to go back to those happy and carefree times, to those moments he seemed to take for granted.

What would he have done to be able to make you laugh like that again, to hug you so hard until he took your breath away. What would he have given to have you back with him, to be able to open the car door for you, to hear you sing all the songs you knew on the radio or to be able to take you to your favorite restaurant and watch you stuff yourself with food with your eyes shining with joy until you exploded.

What he would’ve given to see you watch your favorite movie a thousand more times and be moved every single time while he hugged you and dried the tears you always denied having.

What would he even give to see you so grumpy and sad when your period was about to come but how that nervousness instantly disappeared and how your face lit up the moment he went to your house with a bag full of chocolate and junk food.

What would he have given to be able to sleep beside you again, to be able to cradle you in his arms and whisper sweet words until you fell asleep when you weren't sleepy or when, on the contrary, you denied you were sleepy but ended up falling asleep literally three minutes later . What would he have given to open his eyes in the morning and see you lying next to him, with only the sheet covering your body, to see your hair scattered on the pillow and some strands in front of your face, or feel your scent invade his nostrils every time you were close to him.

And, damn it, he would’ve given anything to even take back your cooking and your terribly prepared dishes. He missed going to your house and seeing the kitchen upside down with literally all the dirty dishes and pots. God, you were a terrible cook but he loved so much the immense effort you put into cooking something you knew he loved and yet he still ate whatever you made for him with a smile on his face, not admitting the food was overcooked or raw or even charred, just so he could see the look of pure joy on your face as he ate it.

He had never left a single plate full.

And that was the difference between you and him.

You always tried hard for him, you always tried to improve, to bite the bullet even if you didn't like something just so as not to bother him. You did it until you reached your breaking point and he understood this, even if it was too late.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

The guilt was eating him alive. He couldn't accept in any way the most beautiful things that ever happened to him had ended that way and above all because of him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about you.

What were you doing? Were you thinking of him? Did you miss him? How were you?

It had been two fucking months since he had seen you, that he hadn't heard from you even though he had tried several times to call you and text you even though – understandably – you had never replied to him. He went to your house so many times he couldn’t count them but every single time before knocking on your door he’d froze, not knowing what to do and fearing your reaction. So he turned and walked away, not sparing himself crying like a three-year-old.

He had asked his friends with whom you had kept in touch about you but they said it wasn't their place to say things that concerned you since you two have broken up and that he had to stop hurting himself and take the matter in his hands.

Jay had stopped going out, his life was now home-work work-home. He didn't even know how he managed to do his job, let alone think about going out and sitting at a bar.

The truth was that he was scared as hell.

He was afraid to see you again, he was afraid to look at you and know you no longer gave a fuck about him, he was afraid of how he’d react after so long without seeing you.

He jumped when he heard someone knocking on the door and quickly wiped away his tears, locking the phone and throwing it on the couch before getting up and going to see who it was.

Oh, and the cell phone was new obviously. He didn't want to think back to how he had destroyed the old one by throwing it furiously against the wall.

“Will what are you doing here?” Jay asked as he opened the door and let his brother in, closing it behind him.

“Go get dressed, we’re going out.”

“I'm not going anywhere, I'm watching a movie.” He sat back on the couch, looking at the TV even though he didn't even remember the name of the movie.

“It wasn't a request Jay. I've had enough of seeing you like this. You have to take your life into your own hands, aren't you tired of this?”

Jay rolled his eyes. “Will just leave me alone please, I don't want to go out.”

Will walked over and took the remote control before turning off the TV and placing it back on the coffee table. “Like I said, it wasn't a request. Go get dressed, let's go to a bar for a drink and we are not going Molly's don't worry. You need to get out Jay, you've been doing nothing but staying inside the house for two months.”

“Will… I swear to God,” Jay scolded, feeling his anger and irritation grow more and more.

“No brother, listen to me. I know it hurts, I can only imagine how much but it's time you start to move on. I know you still love her but it's full of people out there you might know. She left you and it was probably for the best...”

Jay didn't even let him finish his sentence.

He suddenly got up and grabbed him by the shirt, seething with anger and refraining from giving him a punch just because he was his brother.

“If you know what's best for you, don't even dare to finish the sentence,” he spat through clenched teeth and Will nodded, knowing he was in no condition to think clearly. Jay let him go but the anger was still there.

“Jay, listen I'm sorry…”

“No fuck you! How can you think it’s better this way? How could you say that! She is the best for me, if it’s not her I don't want anyone else. After all this time, you know what I’ve been through since we were just friend, you know how I won't be able to love anyone like I love her so stop trying to pair me with someone every fucking opportunity you get, I'm sick of it!”.

Will nodded, feeling guilty for pushing his brother so hard. “I’m sorry Jay, you’re right I went too far but I’m just worried about you. I hate seeing you this way and I wasn't kidding about taking back your life. You can't keep going like this,” he said “Let's at least go have a drink and get some fresh air, I promise I won't say anything else.”

So this was how Jay found himself sitting at a bar he had never been to before with his brother – who had also invited other friends besides those from the unit – regretting the fucking moment he agreed with that shit.

Hailey was there too but he didn't even say hello to her or gave her single glance. He didn't care although he knew she had nothing to do with it but he couldn't help but feel resentment towards her.

Don't blame others for your bullshit and for not being able to keep your girlfriend, his conscience added.

Jay ended up drinking and getting drunk until he couldn't stand without help. He wasn't the type to drink but in that moment he would’ve done anything to just stop thinking about you even for just a minute. But the thing was that even when he was drunk he couldn't stop blurting out your name and not think about you, so this was no use.

Will ended up letting him sleep at his house, not feeling like leaving him alone, a chasm in his heart while looking at his brother reduced to that state and not being able to do anything to help him.

“Oh Y/n what have you done do to my brother,” he sighed before casting one last glance at Jay asleep on the bed in the guest room before closing the door behind him.

But if only Will had known what conditions you were in too, he would’ve asked this same question to you.

What have Jay done to you?

In the two months after the breakup, not a day had gone by without not wanting him back and cry in his arms, telling him you regretted leaving him.

It was hard, damn it was, but you had to be strong.

You didn't know how you didn't give in but no matter how much you loved him, no matter how much your heart ached agonizingly, you couldn't go back, not if there was no change.

You believed that at least after the break up he’d try to fight for your relationship, that he’d demonstrate he loved you as much as he professed but you started to wonder if it was even true or not.

The passing of those two months could be compared to riding a roller coaster. One day you were angry like never before, another you seemed to feel better, another you had to ask for a work leave because you had spent the night crying all the tears you had in your body until you didn't even have the strength to get up the next morning.

You had also discovered that alcohol could be a good companion but after three weeks of continuous drinking and you calling some of your friends in tears, you realized it really wasn't that good and it made you think of Jay more than you normally did. You lost count of the number of times your friends had taken your cell phone from you to prevent you from calling Jay in your drunken state.

But you missed that bastard son of a bitch so much.

And you hated yourself because you couldn't hate him even when he had made you suffer.

You asked yourself so many times if it had been the right decision, if you hadn't made it too hastily, letting yourself be guided solely by your negative emotions.

No, your conscience quickly intervened when these thoughts crept into your mind.

You had already spoken up to him many times, you had explained to him how uncomfortable his friendship with Hailey made you feel but he had decided to ignore your words and not give importance to them. All of this hurt you so damn much, especially knowing he didn't care enough like you thought he did.

It didn't matter how much you had to suffer, this wasn’t what you wanted for yourself.

You didn't want to have to beg for his attention, you didn't want to have to tearfully tell him every single time how bad the way he talked and laughed with her made you feel or how ignored you felt sometimes. You wanted a carefree love, you wanted a love where the person next to you took you above all others, a love where your man saw no other person but you, you wanted a love so intense you had to be the center of his world.

And you really thought you won the lottery with Jay.

He was the perfect man for you, or at least he had been for the first few months. God what would you have given to relive those times. They were pure heaven, you felt like you were constantly floating on clouds, almost exploding with happiness. You really felt like the center of his world and you wondered what had happened, why everything had fallen apart.

Maybe you were too pretentious, maybe you lived too much on fairy tales and romance novels, maybe you were destined to be alone and not meet anyone who’d give you what you wanted. Maybe you had to settle down and lower your expectations.

But no, damn it, you’d didn’t want to do that.

You’d never settle for a mediocre love or a person who gave you the bare minimum, even if it meant dying alone.

You knew Jay was and would forever be the one and only, you wouldn’t be able to love anyone like you loved him.

“Y/n you still there?” Stella's voice brought you back to reality.

“Oh yeah, sorry, I was just… A little bit lost in my thoughts.”

You and Stella were taking a walk in the park after your shift, even though it was cold. You had initially refused, wanting nothing more than to go home and cry yourself to sleep as you looked at the photos of you with Jay and regretted the love you had probably lost forever. But Stella didn't want to listen and you had to thank her. You wouldn't have known what to do if she hadn't been there in those two months. She had truly become your rock.

“Don't worry, I get it,” she replied with a sweet smile on her face. “You want to tell me what were you thinking about?”.

“No, I don't really want to talk about it, I've already stressed you out enough with this whole thing,” you said, putting your frozen hands in your jacket’s pockets. There was almost no one in that park if it hadn't been for a few passers-by who were taking their dog for a walk.

Autumn had already begun, the trees were mostly almost all bare from their leaves and you couldn't help but feel like them. Empty, bare, devoid of any emotion other than a sense of loss and profound sadness.

I hate you Jay Halstead.

And I also love you so damn much.

“Y/n I told you a thousand times not to keep things inside, I'm here and I’ll happily listen to you, don't think for a second you can be a burden to me.”

You turned to her and gave her a smile, perhaps one of the only sincere ones you'd given in the last two months. You felt your eyes fill with tears and you cursed yourself for feeling so emotional, how you seemed to do anything but cry at the smallest thing.

She understood you instantly, even when you looked away from her and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, giving you an encouraging hug.

You let out a sigh as the cold air prickled your face, immediately wiping away a lone tear that slid down your cheek.

“I don’t know Stella, I’m so confused…” you started to speak “I miss him so much and I… I wonder when I’ll stop feeling this way.”

“I know you miss him, it's natural Y/n. Don't pressure yourself about this, give yourself time to get over it, it's only been two months,” she paused for a moment, giving you a look, “But you don't want to get over it, do you?”.

How did she know exactly how you felt?

You nodded feebly, feeling terribly stupid.

“I don't want to go on without him, I don't know how to do it... He made me feel like shit and all I can think about is that I’d love nothing more than for him to knock on my door,” you spoke, giving voice to your thoughts “I feel so stupid because I should be mad at him and fuck I am, I wish he had fought for us, I wish he hadn't limited himself to few stupid calls and texts, I wish he had listened to me when I talked to him about our problems, but… God, at the same time if he came back I know I’d go back to him in a heartbeat because I don't know how to be without him...” tears were now streaming down your face and Stella listened to you carefully while she continued to keep her arm around your shoulder. “Am I being crazy?”.

“Oh darling, of course you aren’t. Like I said, it is more than normal, in fact I’d be worried if you didn't feel this way.”

“Was I stupid to leave him?”.

“No, you did the right thing if that’s what you felt, I would probably have done the same thing if Kelly did this or worse. Even if you love Jay to death that doesn't mean you have to spend your relationship feeling anxious every time you see him with Hailey or constantly worrying that something might happen between the two of them, or asking him to spend time with you and take you on dates or something like that. It's best to set the record straight from the start, if there's one thing you shouldn't do it's keep it all inside you. Just know that sooner or later you will explode and believe me, if you had done this the outcome would’ve been far worse.”

“I know, I know… You’re right,” you sighed “But when will this end?” you sniffed at the same time she handed you a tissue.

“I wish I could answer that Y/n, but unfortunately this is love. It's beautiful and ugly, it's joy and pain. I always thought love and hate were two sides of the same coin and it doesn't take much to erase the line between them,” she sighed, feeling sorry for you.

“Well, love sucks right now.”

You both let out a laugh and you dried you tears, again. “Trust me honey I know but… Can I tell you what I think?”.

“Yes, please.”

“I think if fate wants it, it’ll bring you back together. Darling, you two broke up not because the love ended but because you reached the breaking point after so much tension and arguments. I’m one hundred percent sure that everything happened between you was due to communication problems: he didn't fully understand your problems and you didn't have the patience to make him understand them,” she softly spoke.

“Unfortunately, you have to understand you’re two different people honey and as such you have different thoughts and views of life so what’s important for you doesn’t mean it will be as much as important for him and vice versa. He wasn’t good at understanding this and I think this was his fault; he had to put himself in your shoes, and you couldn't take it the fact he didn’t immediately get why his relationship with Hailey – along with other issues – made you feel the way you felt,” she took a pause while you listened with meticulous attention to every single word.

“He was superficial, this is true, but his problem didn't come from this. Think for a second how it must’ve felt to be constantly accused of something that I myself am certain isn’t the truth, to feel the lack of trust from the person you love,” she continued to speak as you both kept waking slowly.

“Y/n that man lives and breathes for you, his heart beats for no one but you, I see the way he looks at you and the way he talks about you when you’re not there. I saw the way he’s struggling right now and I’m very sure if you called him this very moment he’d be here begging you on his knees to come back with him. I’m not on his side though, like I said, I really think you guys just had communication issues and you need a little more patience with each other. I'm not saying you didn't do the right thing, on the contrary, I think this breakup however painful, could be the turning point for you and I'm one hundred percent sure you’ll get back together, just mark my words.”

-

You spent the following weekend locked in your house avoiding any social interaction.

You did nothing but think over and over again about Stella's words during your walk and you would’ve been lying if you said the idea of calling Jay or going to him hadn't crossed your mind more intensely than before.

You didn't do it though, fear and pride blocking you.

What if he had moved on? What if he had already forgotten about you? What if he hooked up with Hailey?

No, no, no, fuck no.

These questions continued to haunt you and were what stopped you from doing something stupid. You wouldn't have been able to bear it, you weren't ready to know this and probably never would’ve been.

It had been two months since you had seen him or heard from him but every time you wanted to ask your friends about him you stopped yourself out of pure selfishness, because you were afraid of the answer. You knew if they answered those unexpressed questions and make your fears reality, it would’ve killed you. You’d never recover, no matter how dramatic and absurd that sounded.

Selfishly speaking, you hoped he was feeling as shitty as you were, just because that would’ve meant he still cared about you and that you were still somewhere in his mind like he was constantly in yours.

Monday came slowly and you were never so grateful for it, feared that if you were left alone with your mind another day you’d shoot your brain out with a rifle.

You entered the shower with the intention of washing yourself quickly, trying to ignore the memories of the ones you took with Jay.

“God please, stop,” you whispered to yourself. Why didn’t it get easier? Why couldn't you do anything without some fucking thing reminding you of him? Why couldn't you just forget?

You burst into tears, letting them mix with the tap water that wet your face. You leaned against the cold tiles, as you sobbed into your hands covering your face.

You couldn't take it anymore.

It was getting unbearable.

You placed a hand at your heart level, feeling how it was beating wildly. Your chest rose and fell rapidly and as numerous sobs came out of your mouth and copious tears from your eyes, you started to feel the horrible sensation of not being able to breathe, as if the walls had suddenly started to close around you.

You were familiar with that feeling unfortunately, it wasn't the first time it had happened to you in those last two months and all you could do was just let it happen, sit on the ground and wait for it to pass.

And that was exactly what you did, sitting on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit your back until it got cold and you calmed down.

When you arrived at work you felt like a zombie.

You hadn't had breakfast, your twisted stomach prevented you from being able to swallow any food, and you felt rather weak.

Absurdly you hoped there would be an accident, a fire, any kind of thing that would allow you to keep your mind occupied for at least a few hours.

And for once in your life, fate seemed to follow your will.

Your team was called to the scene of an accident that very morning, a couple of hours after you arrived at the fire station. It was a road accident, a car had crashed into a guardrail and the victim was trapped in the vehicle.

When you arrived at the crime scene it started raining, making that shitty day even shittier.

You didn't have time to think about the rain, you had a person to save but it made the job even more difficult. The car was completely destroyed in the front and there were pieces of glass from the car windows and braking marks on the asphalt, making you wonder how fast the driver was going to end up in that state. You were even surprised he was still alive.

“Hey buddy just hang on okay? We'll get you out of there, just hold on for a few minutes and don't make sudden movements,” you tried to reassure him, slightly leaning forward so you could look at him. The driver was a boy who couldn’t have exceeded the age of twenty and he was about to have a panic attack. You didn't blame him though, no one would want to be in that situation.

“Get me out of here!” He kept screaming.

You and the other firefighters on the scene worked together to get the victim out of the car which was now reduced to a pile of scrap that looked more like a can of tuna.

You managed to get him out of the car but not before putting a collar around his neck to stabilize the cervical vertebrae in case they were fractured. You and your colleague, Alex, removed him from the car and immediately placed him on the stretcher, locking the straps around his body.

Even though he was almost out of danger, the stranger continued to move, shouting to let him go.

“Hey, hey, hey! Listen to me! It's okay, you're safe now. They’ll take you to the hospital where they’ll treat you okay?” You tried for the umpteenth time to calm the boy down before looking at the paramedics and nodding at them, signing they could finally transport the victim on the ambulance.

“Y/n! Come here!” Alex's voice caught your attention and you joined him towards the crashed car.

“Am I tripping or does this look like blood?” He asked, pointing to the rear trunk which was closed and from which streams of what certainly appeared to be blood were coming out.

“Holy shit,” you let out and you both exchanged a worried look. “Take the crowbar.”

With no small amount of ease you managed to open the trunk and nothing could have prepared you for what you found yourselves facing.

“Fuck!” “Oh shit!” You and Alex exclaimed almost at the same time, covering your noses from the nauseating smell that had hit you right in the face, simultaneously taking steps backwards.

There was a fucking dead body in the trunk of that car and in that moment you understood why the driver was so agitated and in a hurry to run away.

“Call the police.”

It was the Intelligence who intervened at the crime scene and it wasn't even necessary to say you were a bundle of nerves. Your stomach was churning in anxiety as you tried to stay calm, the thought of having to see Jay again almost made you throw up.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw Antonio arrive alone, fuck, you weren't ready to face Jay, not on the crime scene where you had found a body.

“Mornin’ guys. So what do we have here?” Antonio asked as soon as he greeted you and Alex. He gave you a longer look than usual, giving you a smile that screamed pity and sorrow.

God, did you look that bad?

Alex explained the situation and everything that happened while you listened. The rain was incessant and by now all your hair was sticking to your forehead even though it was tied up in a ponytail. The cold was almost unbearable even though you were wearing your uniform jacket which was quite heavy.

You were talking to Antonio after Alex got back to your other colleagues when you saw him and you almost had a heart attack.

Jay.

You froze in place, feeling all your muscles suddenly atrophy and paralyze. You blinked several times, fearing you were having a hallucination.

“Y/n? You okay?” Antonio's voice reached your ears very far away, your attention focused on the only person who had ever made your heart beat so fast you feared it’d stop.

You know when you hear in a movie the characters say time stops when they see the person they love?

You had always thought it was just a cliché thing but in that moment you really realized how truth that statement was.

Everything seemed to disappear, rain evaporated, people vanished.

It was two months. Two months of not seeing him. Two months of pure torture and hell and now he was there in front of you, beautiful as the sun.

He was wearing a jacket whose pockets he had put his hands in, a hood covering his hair as he walked towards the yellow police tape. He put a hand out of his pocket to lift it and go under it after nodding to the cops, tucking his hand back into his pocket immediately afterwards.

You felt your knees give away and you didn't know how you managed not to collapse there in front of everyone.

But it was when your eyes met that your breath was completely knocked out of your lungs.

Jay stopped in his tracks instantly, as if he'd bumped into something. He couldn't help but widen his eyes and part his lips as his brain processed the vision in front of him.

Was it really you? Wasn't he dreaming?

The cold vanished almost instantly as a sensation of heat coursed through his body, causing every cell in his system to light up on fire. He didn't expect to see you, not like that and not after two months.

He had to repress the desire to run to you and throw himself at your feet and pray for your forgiveness. He was overwhelmed by a wave of emotions.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Repentance.

Emptiness.

Anger.

Pain.

The memories of your last meeting overwhelmed him. His heart shattered even more than it already was when he remembered the last time he had seen and spoken to you, you both had shouted the worst evil things at each other.

It's over.

Even from afar your eyes managed to hypnotize him but he couldn't help but notice how the light that characterized them, that light in those eyes he continuously dreamed about and which he still loved with all his being, had disappeared.

And it was his fault, he was the one who did this to you.

He had noticed the dark circles surrounding your eyes, perhaps even worse than his, and guilt was added to all those feelings he felt.

It was all his fault.

His eyes filled with tears when you looked away, wanting nothing more than to run away and cry.

He saw Antonio turn towards him and give him a look before returning his attention to you and saying something. Jay didn't have the strength to get closer, the fear was paralyzing him. He couldn’t even let out a sound.

But how much he wanted to scream at the top of his lungs how much he loved you, so deeply you made completely lose his mind to the point he couldn’t breathe without you, sleep, or even eat.

He just stood there like an idiot while staring at you, not moving a single muscle.

You’re so fucking mesmerizing Y/n. How can someone be so beautiful?

You said something to Antonio and looked at Jay again before turning your back and walking away, joining the rest of your colleagues who were about to go back to the fire station.

“Halstead you okay?” Antonio asked as he approached him but Jay didn't even seem to listen to him as his eyes were following your every move. “Jay.”

“I'm fine,” he murmured, never taking his eyes off you. You were taking some tools he couldn't even identify and loading it onto the fire truck.

“Jay, man, look at me please.”

But he didn't.

He didn't take his eyes off you until you got into the truck and drove away, not before you exchanged another look.

Jay let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding, then ran his hands over his face wet because of the rain.

He looked at the gray sky for a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath in an attempt to regain control of himself.

He hated all of this. He hated you still had so much control over him, his thoughts, how you managed to mess him up so badly he couldn't properly function anymore. You had such power over him and you didn't even know it. How the fuck could you even doubt he didn't care about you?

“I’m sorry,” he murmured when he realized how idiotic he must have looked.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“How is she?”.

Antonio sighed. “She… She’s not doing very well Jay, she was shaking when she saw you. Why don't you just talk to her and solve your problems? It's so obvious that neither of you are over it yet.”

It was now late afternoon and Jay was out of his mind.

For the rest of the day he thought of nothing but you and meeting you that morning. Even as the team investigated the case about the body you found, everyone had noticed how his mind was totally elsewhere.

He said something from time to time, participating in the investigations when he seemed to wake up from his thoughts and then immediately distanced himself from them again.

He didn't miss Voight's lecture, who chided him about how distracted he had been lately. He told him he understood the hard time he was going through but that he should leave his problems outside the district.

He was quite understanding, even when Jay came to him and told him he no longer wanted to be partnered with Hailey, but enough was enough. Jay had to be concentrated, he couldn't afford distractions in a job like his because just one small mistake could’ve cost him his life.

“What happened man? You seem even more out of your mind than usual today,” Adam stated when he entered the break room and saw his friend sitting on the small sofa, looking down and a cup of steaming coffee in his hands.

“I saw her,” Jay replied softly.

“What? Seriously? When? Have you guys talked?”.

Jay shook his head. “This morning, at the crime scene, she was one of the firefighters there,” he sighed as his mind was haunted by your eyes “We didn't talk. I just looked at her from afar.”

Adam sighed as he poured himself some coffee too. “How much longer are you planning to go on like this? You're becoming unbearable Halstead.”

“Excuse me?”.

“Yes, you heard me mate. You’ve been a pain the ass. Either you get back with her or move on, just stop crying to yourself like a baby and do something. Are you waiting for a fucking miracle to get you back together? Then you can wait forever because it will never happen. You make your own destiny.”

Jay looked at him not knowing whether to laugh or feeling offended.

But damn, was he right.

He was tired of feeling this way, of this continuing suffering, of being without you. It had been too long and he didn't want to live that way anymore. He no longer wanted to wake up in the morning and constantly wonder when the damn day would end, he no longer wanted to roll over in bed and not seeing you lying next to him, he no longer wanted to wake up in the middle of the night because of some nightmare where you were happily in love with another man.

He wanted to be your man, he wanted to give you all the happiness you deserved, he wanted to be the one to give you everything you needed.

He had been so stupid for even letting this much time pass.

All he had to do was go to you and do everything within his power to make you truly trust him again, to proving you how much he loved you, how much his world revolved only around you, how much only you made him happy.

Either it was you or he’d die in total solitude and he didn't want that. He wanted to be with you, he wanted to die like a decrepit old man while he held your hand.

He hadn't spent so many years of friendship longing for you only to give up like that and let you go, he couldn't do that. He didn’t want to live with that ‘if’, with the fear of taking a few steps towards you because he was afraid of your rejection, even if it would’ve hurt him, he wanted to give his all.

For this reason he placed the cup of coffee on the table and ran away at the speed of light, leaving Adam standing there who, however, immediately understood the intentions of his friend and grinned to himself.

Jay didn't bother wearing his jacket or getting an umbrella to protect himself from the rain that was pouring incessantly since the morning, not caring about anything other than coming to you.

Although it was only 5:30 PM, it was already dark outside. The rain was pounding so hard the walk from the district to his car was enough to get him soaked from head to toe.

If in other moments he would’ve torn a limb rather than get into the car with his soaked clothes and wet the seats, in that instant it was the last thing on his mind. He thought about how you’d react seeing him in that situation, he knew you’d tease him forever. Just the thought made him smile.

It was Monday and he knew you had a double shift that day so he drove to the fire station at the speed of light, hoping to find you there. He didn't care you were in the middle of the shift, he just needed to see you.

He parked the car crookedly, got out and ran towards the fire station. The first person he met was Stella, who looked at him with a weird look as soon as she noticed the condition he was in.

“Stella, hi... Where is Y/n? I need to talk to her.”

He gave her a confused look at her when he saw her slightly grinning as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Finally Halstead, took you long enough don't you think? Two months…”

“I know, I've been a stupid piece of shit,” he interrupted her not being able to contain himself anymore “But please tell me where she is.”

“She went home an hour and a half ago, she said she wasn't feeling well.”

Worry took over. “Wait what? Did something happened?”.

Stella rolled her eyes. “You're such an idiot Jay. Physically she's fine, emotionally not much and it's because of you,” she pointed her index finger at his chest. “You better fix the mess you've made.”

He felt like shit, more than he already was. He hated the thought of you being in pain, especially because of him. “I'll try, if she still wants to talk to me.”

“She has every reason not to,” Stella commented.

He nodded. She was right. “She’s home right?”.

“Last time I checked, yes.”

“Thank you Stella.”

Jay started to walk away but her voice made him stop.

“I never want to see her cry again Jay so if you don't believe in what you're doing and if you think you can't give her what she needs you better turn around and drive your stupid ass back to your house,” she threatened him. “She wouldn't be able to go through everything she's been through these past few months again, so I'm warning you, I'll rip your balls off and make you wear them like earrings if you make her suffer again.”

“I'm not going to Stella, she…” he sighed trying to find the right words to describe how he felt about you “She is my whole world, I've never been as sure of anything as I am of how much I love her, I just want her back.”

Stella nodded. “Now go.”

When Jay arrived outside your apartment building, a wave of relief went through him as he noticed your car was parked in its usual spot. But it was soon replaced by disappointment when after knocking your door several times there was no answer.

He thought about calling you but he didn't want to scare you away, he didn't want you to have the chance to escape since he wanted to talk to you at all costs.

He went outside again, and sat on the steps outside the main entrance waiting for you, his head bowed as droplets of water were falling on the asphalt. He luckily managed to sit where the rain wouldn’t come although the still soaked clothes were starting to bother him. He didn't care though, this was truly the last thing on his mind.

Where were you? Were you alone? Were you with anyone else?

He shook his head. He didn't even want to think about it, knowing he’d most likely get a life sentence without parole if he ever saw another man next to you.

He didn’t also want to think it wouldn’t be his businesses since you two weren’t together anymore.

Contrary to what Jay thought, you had just gone for a walk, unable to stay at home since you were afraid if you were left alone with your thoughts again you’d go crazy. You thought you were stupid for asking to leave early from work so you could stay at home and rest but then didn't want to stay because the anguish was so intense you couldn't even sit still.

So you ended up taking an umbrella and going out for a walk, without a specific destination. You just wanted to clear your head and get some fresh air. Even though the rain was bothering you since that morning, you still loved the sound of it and the smell it left in the air.

Seeing Jay had shocked you more than you would’ve ever imagined, even though you knew quite well how it’d end. You had wondered numerous times what it’d be like to meet him again after two months of not hearing from him, you knew it wouldn't be easy, but you didn't think it would’ve such a deep effect on you to not even let you do your job.

It was as if you jumped back to the day you broke up and that very little progress you had made over the course of those months disintegrated as soon as you met his beautiful eyes.

You walked for a time that seemed infinite to you even though barely an hour had passed and when your hands started to lose sensitivity due to the cold, you decided it was the time to head back home.

The journey to your apartment building took longer than expected, not in a hurry to return to those four cold walls as you knew the rough night awaited you. That is, crying and alcohol.

But if you had known what – or rather who – awaited you, you would’ve run until your lungs burned.

“Jay…”

You almost had a heart attack when you noticed the figure sitting on those steps, recognizing immediately the very and only man who managed to take your breath away and the ground off your feet with just a look.

You immediately saw how soakes wet his clothes were and how he wasn't even wearing a jacket over his long-sleeved shirt and your heart ached painfully.

How long was he there?

He shoot his gaze up from the ground when he heard your voice, fearing for a moment it was too good to be true and you weren't really there. He stood up quickly, standing in front of you.

“What are you doing here?” You asked with a shaky voice, struggling to hold the eye contact. Why did you want to cry so suddenly?

“I… I’m sorry for popping in here unannounced, I need to talk to you.”

Your stomach tightened in a vice, though you knew you had no other choice. You had to do it, you needed it too.

You nodded. “Let's go upstairs though.” You continued, feeling your heart break at thought he might catch something.

He nodded back and at the same time let out a sneeze before looking down in embarrassment. If it wasn’t for the fact you had broken up badly and this was the first time you interacted since that faithful day, you would’ve found it funny.

You closed your umbrella and entered your apartment building, aware Jay was behind you, and you both walked up to your home in complete silence.

Jay almost burst into tears when you opened the door and let him in, feeling a wave of nostalgia wash over him. He could smell your scent perfectly – well it was normal since it was your house – but he missed it so fucking much he thought he’d collapse on the floor.

He looked around, noticing everything was the same, but different at the same time. Two months had passed since he had set foot in that house but it seemed like an eternity since it had been the worst time of his life.

Silence reigned supreme as he looked at you taking off your jacket and hung it on the coat rack, after placing the wet umbrella in its stand.

You disappeared into your room for a moment and he stood there frozen, not knowing what to do.

He hated that feeling so fucking much, he hated not knowing how to act around you, what to say or what to do. You had always been his best friend, the person he felt most at peace with, you were the love of his life and yet at that moment he couldn't even look at you in the eyes without feeling like complete shit.

“I brought you some dry clothes, you can go change and put the wet ones in the dryer,” you said as soon as you walked out of your room, holding some folded clothes that Jay immediately recognized as his.

A little hope lit up inside him.

You still had his clothes, a black t-shirt and sweatpants. He had even forgotten you had them in first place but the relief and joy he felt from that small gesture almost made him burst into tears.

God I feel like a fucking emotional teenage girl.

“I thought you threw them away,” he replied, moving closer to you. You shook your head, but didn't look at him, too embarrassed to do it. If only he had known you had spent nights wearing those clothes and smelling his scent while crying yourself to sleep.

He took them and as he did it your hands touched.

You both tried to maintain a neutral facade but from the brief glance you exchanged you knew it affected both of you at the same way. It was as if an electric shock ran through your bodies and that small, almost imperceptible touch was enough to throw both of you into a whirlwind of indescribable emotions.

“Uhm… I-I… Well… I’ll just go,” he stammered before running to the bathroom and closing the door behind him.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, Y/n what are you doing to me,” he whispered, resting his forehead on the door as he caught his breath.

You let out a deep breath you didn't realize you were holding, placing a hand on your chest in an attempt to slow down your heart that was beating so hard it felt like it wanted to escape from your rib cage.

“I need a drink,” you said to yourself and went to the kitchen with the intention of drinking something strong.

You were still processing what was happening.

Jay was at your house.

Your ex-boyfriend and the love of your fucking life was at your house, in your bathroom, changing his wet clothes.

You tried to convince yourself it was reality and not just your dream as you poured some whiskey into a glass and downed it in one gulp like a shot.

You were so lost in your thoughts you didn't even realize Jay was back. You gave him a look, cursing yourself as you did since Jay in black was one of your weaknesses.

Lord please have mercy on my poor soul.

“How long have you been a whiskey drinker?”.

“Do you really want to know?” You responded with another question, looking up at him and taking another shot of alcohol, the burn along your throat now quite familiar.

You looked at each other for a few seconds and he shook his head slightly, knowing full well the answer to that question. He lowered his eyes to the floor, the guilt too strong.

“You want something?” You politely asked as you closed the bottle.

“No, thank you.” He wanted to talk to you as clearly as possible.

You nodded and placed the dirty glass in the sink.

Silence reigned supreme again and you walked past him before going into the living room and sitting on the couch. Your palms were sweating and you wondered why this had to be so damn hard.

Jay followed you like a puppy, but remained standing.

“You can sit Jay.”

He never thought about it but his name never sounded so wonderful until he heard you say it. Everything that came out of your lips was pure poetry to his ears, except when you insulted him, that was like getting stabbed by thousands knives.

He sat down on the couch, painfully far away from you.

“How are you?“ Was the first thing Jay asked and he mentally smacked himself on the forehead for his stupidity. He hadn't seen you for two months after you two had a horrible breakup and the smartest thing he could think of was ‘how are you?’.

Fucking dumbass.

You raised your head and your eyes met his, looking at him with an indecipherable expression. “You want the honest truth?”.

“Always.”

“Not very good Jay,” you gave a fake tight half smile “And now that you're here even less so.”

He sighed, obviously expecting this response, leaning back on the couch as he thought about what he could say.

“I'm sorry.” Was all he could spit out.

You imitated his gesture and leaned against the back of the sofa too, crossing your fingers over your belly while your eyes were fixed on the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing you had ever seen.

You both remained silent for a moment. You looking at the ceiling and him looking at you.

With his eyes he traced the outline of your profile in meticulous detail, thinking about how much he missed being able to be close to you and look at you. He analyzed every inch of skin of your face, taking pictures with his gaze with the hope of imprinting them all in his memory in case he was no longer able to look at you like that.

“What did you want to talk to me about?” you asked, not looking at him.

He had to bite his tongue to keep from telling you how beautiful you were, fearing he’d get nothing more than a slap in the face, probably deserved too.

“So many things but I don’t know where to begin, I… I had a speech but I can’t even remember my own name now.”

You turned your head towards him and you looked at each other for a while in a way Jay couldn’t decipher, making him wish he could read your mind.

Your eyes never left each other as silence filled the room, the air was so tense it could be cut with a knife.

“How did we end up like this Jay?” It was you who broke the silence after a while, your voice so low you thought he hadn't even heard you.

“It was my fault,” he replied without hesitation “I… You were right Y/n, I was a shitty boyfriend,” he continued referring to what you had told him that fateful morning.

“No, it was my…”

“No bab- Y/n…” he tried to correct himself but it was too late because your heart had already skipped a beat. “I won't let you think it was your fault. I neglected you, I took you for granted, I was arrogant enough to think that once we got together we could just be happy without any effort. But I was wrong, I didn't realize I had hurt you so much and believe me... Please believe me, I’ll spend the rest of my days beating myself for this.”

“I hurt you too…” you whispered, feeling your eyes full of tears and afraid you’d start crying at any moment.

His chest tightened as he saw your sad expression and God only knew how much he wanted to hug you, holding you so tightly to his chest until he’d make all your pain go away.

He shook his head. “You were just angry, now I know, I understand it. I know your constant arguing with me was your way of telling me I wasn't doing enough for you and I'm sorry for putting you through all of this… I… I'm sorry for making you doubt me and I’ll never forgive myself for that Y/n because I lost the best thing that ever happened to me in life.”

Hearing those words made those little defenses you had managed to built collapse. You got up suddenly as tears ran down your cheeks, wiping them away in the process. You stood by the window, turning your back to him so he wouldn't see you.

He stood up right after you and carefully approached you. He moved his hands with the intention of resting them on your shoulders to comfort you but he stopped, not wanting to overstep your boundaries and make the situation even worse.

“Look at me Y/n please, I need to look into your eyes,” he whispered in a pleading tone. You quickly wiped your tears with your palms and turned to him, but kept your gaze lowered. “Hey…” He called your attention and you finally looked up at him. Your eyes were incredibly shiny from the tears but they had never been more beautiful than they were in that moment and finally being able to look at them so closely was like being punched in the stomach.

“I don't blame you, I don't blame you for a single thing you did or said, I hope you know that. I'm angry at myself for not giving you what you needed and for not realizing in time you were slipping through my fingers,” he confessed, “I haven't been fair to you, I've been superficial and selfish and… I stupidly thought our love would be enough for everything to go easy, but I was so wrong, because love is not just this, love is also understanding, patience, compromise and I failed giving you this...” he talked so softly it made your heart hurt.

Tears continued to leak from your eyes down your cheeks as you listened to the words you had wanted to hear for so long. This was all you ever wanted.

“I hate seeing you like this and I hate myself more for being the cause of it,” he continued in a whisper as the lump in his throat prevented him from saying anything else. “Can I?”.

You nodded without even knowing what he was referring to and your subconscious cursed you for reacting so quickly to whatever he said.

He lifted his hands and cupped them gently on your face, wiping away every tear with his thumbs with so gentle movements you thought you were dreaming of his touch.

You closed your eyes at that touch while at the same time letting out a sigh of relief. It didn't matter how long you denied it to yourself, you missed that man like oxygen, you were nothing without him.

“I hope you'll forgive me one day even though I know I don't deserve it…” his voice broke at the last words and with a blow to your heart you realized that he too was crying.

“Jay don't-…” you managed to mutter with a shaky voice.

“No, wait, please, let me talk,” he interrupted you, sniffling and never leaving your gaze “I need to tell you these things, I need you to know how much I care about you and how much I love you. I…” he stopped again, unable to continue moving forward and lowered his gaze, not being able to look at you anymore.

“Can I?” You whispered back and his eyes met yours again, chuckling through his tears before nodding. That time you were the one wiping away his tears with your fingers, gently stroking his skin with your thumbs, enjoying that sensation you missed so badly.

“Fuck baby, I don't deserve you.” He murmured hoarsely. “But I'm too selfish to let you go.”

His thumbs continued to caress your cheeks as you slid your arms to your sides.

“Let me decide that.”

“Before you do I want you to know I’ve never for a second stopped thinking about you. These past months have been pure hell, a fucking nightmare and I deserve it, for the way I treated you but I'm so pissed at myself because you didn't deserve it at all,” He croaked “I disrespected you by not respecting your wishes, and not giving your feelings the importance they deserved but I swear to you Y/n, I swear to you because you’re the most important person in my fucking life,” he looked intensely into your eyes, so much as if he somehow hoped you could read his soul. “Nothing has ever happened with Hailey or any other woman and I am so sorry I made you doubt it with the way I acted.”

“You’re the only woman of my life, you’re the woman I want to build my future with, you’re the woman I want to marry, you’re the woman I want to be the mother of my children, you’re the woman with whom I want to grow old and with whom I want to die,” he spat out as more lonely tears marked his cheeks, tears you immediately took and wiped away without hesitation. He softly smiled, making your heart race and your breath quicken, as he leaned against your touch.

“I can't exist without you, I can't function if you're not here baby and I wish I could let you into my head and heart… Fuck… You wouldn't doubt for even a second every fucking cell of my body don't have your name written on them I swear. You own me, in a way you’ll never imagine.”

You couldn't answer the question of how you were still standing as with each passing second you felt your knees buckle more and more. You were a crying mess, you couldn’t even look at him properly because of your blurred vision.

“I've been a selfish son of a bitch but I swear to you, and please believe me, there hasn't been a time since I first saw you that night at Molly's years ago that you haven't been in my mind. You came into my life like a hurricane Y/n and from the first time you smiled at me I never doubted for a second I finally met the love of my life, the greatest I could ever ask for.”

His fingers caressed your hair while you feared you’d have a heart attack at any moment.

“I know these will probably be empty words but if only you’d give me a chance my little angel, I promise I’ll do everything I can to make you happy and give you everything you deserve,” he whispered “I'm not giving up on us, even if now...

The ringing of his cell phone interrupted him and he let out a “Fucking hell” before taking it from his trouser pocket.

Contrary to what you expected, he rejected the call without no hesitation or even looking who it was and threw the phone on the sofa, not caring it bounced and then fell on the floor.

“I'm sorry…” he looked at you again.

“Why didn't you answer?”.

“Because I don't care about anyone else beside you right now.”

“But what if it was important?”.

“Nothing is more important than you Y/n, I hope I can convince you of that one day.”

“But…”

“Nothing but baby,” he placed his hands on your face again, freezing when he realized what he had just said “S-sorry I…” He didn’t realize it but he had already said it few other times.

You tried to hold back a smile and shook your head, letting him know it didn’t bother you. In fact, the way that pet name made you feel was something indescribable.

“I don’t want you to think I was thinking about her but Hailey’s not my partner anymore.”

He dropped this news like a bomb without even finished what he was saying earlier, leaving you in shock, not expecting something like this at all. “What? Why?”.

“Because it's something that bothers you.”

“Jay it didn't bother me she was your partner but…”

“I know,” he interrupted you, “It bothers you the way I behaved with her even though it meant absolutely nothing to me, the fact I was with you and when she called me I answered her, that I gave her a ride her, and all the things that happened. I know, I get it now, and this was fucked up on my part and I only now understand how you felt about it and I'm so sorry...”

“I'm glad you understand now but you still didn't even have to change partners Jay.”

“Y/n, I know it. I know it wasn't even necessary not to speak to her anymore except for something related to work but this is what I wanted and want to do. It might be dramatic but for me it's the least I can do for you,” he spoke in a firm and decisive tone “I had to set some boundaries, show you respect and understand how much all of this hurt you. I had to understand it was something that deeply troubled you instead of fueling your fears and making you feel like you were a burden.”

You looked at him with shock.

Who the hell was this man?

“You come first angel, everything else is worth less than a zero for me. I now get that if something hurts you than I have to figh tooth and nail to prove to you that whatever goes through this little head will never make me stop loving you, caring about you or needing you more than the air I breathe, so if you tell me my partnership with Hailey is bothering you, I'll get rid of it.”

“But it's not fair you… You don’t have to give up your friendship with her for me. I don't want you to have to deprive yourself of all this Jay, I never asked for this...”

“…You just wanted to be reassured,” he continued the sentence for you and you nodded feebly. “But listen to me. I know you didn't ask me, no one did, I decided to do it and there won't be anything that will make me change my mind. Y/n I want to do everything I can to make you trust me again, I don't care what it entails, even if it means burning up the whole world to the ground I will do it, without hesitation. I want you to understand that nothing’s more important to me than you, that you come above anyone else. Please, I don't want and I can't be without you anymore, I can't baby...”

Jay stopped talking for a second but continued noticing your silence. “And if this makes you feel better, I don’t want to keep a friendship with someone who acted the way she did. A friend doesn't try to intrude on your relationship, I was just too trusting and stupid to understand it and I'm sorry you had to pay for it.”

You pulled away from him for a moment, suddenly feeling suffocated. You sat on the couch again, resting your elbows on your knees and your face covered by your hands as you considered everything Jay had said so far.

Your mind was in a whirlwind of emotions and you couldn't figure out which of the thousand thoughts to listen to first.

Your rational part would’ve told him it was too late, that it was easy to fix your mistakes when the damage had been done.

But your non-rational part, the bigger one, would’ve thrown your arms around him and hugged him until he lost his breath.

You appreciated everything he had told you, so relieved he had finally understood what your real problem was with everything that had happened.

You loved him so much, so terribly much and the relief you had at hearing those words lifted a weight off your shoulders. But you still were so confused and didn't know what to do.

You didn't want to make hasty decisions following only your heart and you equally didn't want to make others that you might regret.

You felt the sofa sink next to you, a sign Jay had sat down.

“I… I know my job is to show you how much you mean to me and you might think that by rooting out Hailey's problem I've just gone with the easy solution but I hope you know that's not the case. I would choose you in a room with a billion people, I would still looking for you. It's just been my way of making you understand that neither Hailey nor any other woman is as indispensable in my life as you are, none of them are worth losing you.” He spoke softly. “I’ll never get tired of repeating you’re the only one who exists for me, I have eyes only for you and it will be like this until my last breath. All I want is to see you happy baby, I want to make you happy. The problem wasn't just my friendship with Hailey, I know that, I didn’t pay enough attention to you and I want to make up for every single mistake I made... And…”

You started crying again, just when you thought you had managed to control your emotions and he noticed.

“And I love you so damn much,” he whispered these last words like some sort of spell.

After what seemed like an infinite amount of time to him, you finally looked up at him. He gently wiped away your tears for the umpteenth time, trying not to focus on how painful it was to see you like that.

“To say these two months have been hell is an understatement,” you sobbed, but still tried to speak, “I've been so angry at you Jay.”

“I know and you have every right to.”

“Every single day I hoped you’d knock on my door and say these exact words to me. Why didn't you do it? God Jay, I would’ve gotten back with you before I even let you talk. Why didn't you fight for us?”.

His heart broke into a thousand little pieces. “Because I'm a stupid piece of shit. I know you won't believe me but I was scared as fuck. I've come here so many times, actually, but I've never had the courage to knock on the door.”

“Really?”.

He nodded mentally smacking himself for his stupidly as he could’ve avoided to both of you months of suffering. “Yes, I was scared to face you. I was afraid you’d tell me it was forever over and you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, I honestly wouldn't have been able to survive something like that. As twisted or dumb as it sounds, I had the hope one way or another fate would bring us together again and I was afraid that if you told me no then this hope would die.”

“What made you come here today?”.

“Seeing you this morning reminded me of everything I had lost. In reality, Adam also helped me knock some sense in me but, well... I realized I don't want to cry anymore and that I want to do everything to get you back.”

You looked at him for a few moments in silence, studying his words and his wonderful features.

“I’ll fight for us Y/n, I can't be without you anymore, I feel like I'm going crazy.”

“I don't want you to think it's all your fault though, it's not.”

“Indeed it is…”

“No. It was also my fault, I shouldn't have given up so quickly, I should’ve trusted you a little bit more and explained myself better, be more patient and give you the time to understand my feelings and demanded to fix them immediately, without thinking you too had to adapt your own thoughts to mine. I was selfish too Jay.”

Jay looked at you with so much intensity and so fervently it suddenly made you feel small and naked under his eyes. He looked at you as if he wanted to get under your skin, he looked at you like a painter looks at his own work of art, like a sculptor looked at his own creation. He looked at you with so much love and sweetness this alone would’ve been enough to make you fall into a thousand pieces.

God, how much you missed the way he looked at you. As if you were the only one in the world, as if you were the most beautiful of the seven wonders of the world, as if you were everything his eyes wanted to see. This was what you missed, what you wanted: feeling like you were the only one for him.

“Don't slap me but I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now,” he whispered, fearing your reaction but at the same time unable to hold his tongue.

You let out a small chuckle through your tears as you dried them and straightened your back. You would’ve been lying if you said you didn't want him to jump on you.

“I'd like to see you try.”

“Oh don't tempt me sweetheart. I could make you squirm under me in less than five minutes if I wanted.”

Please just say yes baby.

You let out a louder laugh this time and threw one of the sofa cushions at him, especially because he was completely right and it wasn't something you wanted to find out at that moment.

He let out a mock cry of pain even though inside he was exploding with joy. He didn't know if it was more the fact you had thrown the pillow at him and actually jokes with him or because he finally heard you laugh. He was almost tempted to tickle you even though you hated it just so he could make you laugh and record the sound and set the recording as the ringtone on his cell phone.

Did he already say he loved you so fucking much he couldn't breathe?

“I'm scared Jay.” You whispered as the air became serious again. He moved closer to you and took your hand, drawing imaginary circles on its back with his thumb, a gesture he used to do to comfort you.

“I know, but I'll make it worth it. I never want to spend a day without you again, I’ll give you the world. I promise,” he whispered as his eyes caressed your face in a little dance, observing your features and every peculiarity of your beautiful skin. “I can't even tell you in words how much I love you Y/n. Just… Just tell me what you want and I'll give it to you. You want me to get on the roof and jump? I'll do it. Do you want me to blow up some buildings? Give me the address. I’m begging you…”

You chuckled again and he felt victorious for managing to make you smile again. He left out the part where he would actually do anything he just said.

“I love you to death Jay, more than you could ever imagine…” you murmured “And I'm so scared because if... If it doesn't work I won't be able to go through this again,” you paused for a second. “I don't have the strength. I never want to experience anything like that again, I would rather shoot myself.”

“No, no, no, no, this will never happen. There will never be an 'if it doesn't work' again. I'm here to stay and I want to make you the happiest you've ever been, please Y/n, I can't be without you anymore.”

He placed his free hand on your cheek and before your brain could even process it, your body had already responded and you found yourself leaning against his touch.

You looked at each other for few moments, still not believe all of this was real.

“I want us to take it slow. We went too fast the first rime we got together thinking we knew each other well because we were friends before. I want to know the real you, and I want you to really know me.”

“Yes, yes, yes, fuck yes, whatever you want baby,” he replied so quickly he embarrassed himself while he felt his heart beating so fast it was most likely going to explode.

“Or maybe it's better that we just be friends again. It seemed to work just fine,” you decided to tease him and the look of pure horror and shock that crossed his face was priceless. You so badly wished you could take a photo of him in that moment.

“I know you're taking the piss out of me right now, but you and I could never be friends again, never, ever, ever, again.”

“Why?”.

“You’re seriously asking me why? Have you heard any of the words I just said?” He raised an eyebrow and you shrugged, trying not to laugh. “Because there hasn’t been a single day where you were just a friend to me. I have loved you much longer than you’ll ever know baby, so no. Absolutely no friends.”

You bit your cheek to try and suppress a smile but it was in vain, Jay realized it before you could even try to hide it from him and he had to suppress the urge to kiss you right now and there.

“That's not what you should say when you're taking things slowly, you know?”.

He sighed. “You're going to torture me aren't you?”.

You nodded and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as they looked at you and he swore if you looked closely you could see his pupils had turned into a heart shape.

“Baby, I'd let you tie me naked to a pole and in the middle of a storm if that's what you wanted, don't even play with me right now.”

You laughed, your heart now lighter.

You didn't know if you were doing the right thing, if you had reacted hastily and without thinking but at that moment you didn't care. After all, that’s how love was: it was irrational, unconditional, vulnerable, overwhelming, it was messy. You couldn't just follow a plan or predict what to do.

You were aware you were taking an immense risk, that you were risking hurting yourself again in a deep and irreparable way but you wanted to have a little more faith in him. You had always wanted that intense love worthy of fairy tales and you knew he was the only one who’d be able to give it to you even if it meant facing the unknown and the possibility of suffering again.

And the more you looked at Jay, the more you were convinced this was a risk you were willing to take.

General tag list: @hngbrooks, @alexxavicry, @mrspeacem1nusone, @halstead-severide-fan, @allivzs, @omniaimy, @cursedashes

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[sugarpasteltmnt]

I've been compleatly OBSSESED with neon void so far!!! It's by far my favorite fic of any I've read!! After every chapter I have to take a second to do the happy stimmies because you write all of the scenes so well. Whenever I see a new update I clear the next hour for reading it and the subsequent geek out sesion for how AMAZING it always is. You write extremely well, you convey the characters so acurately, the fight scenes are creative, the way you write Leo's perspective is AMAZING, love the font changes, the angst PALPABLE, and just over all I love everything you're able to do with this concept. The way you can see Leo's mental state deteriorating through out the fic is just *chefs kiss*. There's so much I love about the fic that I can't possibly list everything.

Also the established difference between teleporting and portaling is so great, it adds to the pure panic that void causes for the boys aside from, y'know, crazy dude capable of beating Big Mama within an inch of her life and STRAIGHT UP OFFING a buch of other yokai. It does wonders for establishing him as a threat even though he technically isn't for the turtles. Plus I'm sure that once they find out who Void really is, it will add a bunch of tension since they'll need to stop Leo from literally SCATTERING HIS ATOMS ACROSS SPACE.

AND THE CHAPTER PREVIEW ISTG I've never gotten so much serotonin from being in this much pain ;0; The gif is perfect to set the mood, I can't wait to see what happens. You're ablility to choose just the right thing to stab so many people directly through the heart is nothing short of super-natural. BUT PLEASE give the boi some happiness, if not for his sake, for mine-

ANYWAYS this is all a VERY long way of saying, I absolutely love this and I had to draw the silly boi being the silly boi. I needed to draw him happy for the health of my heart ;-; (don't worry though, I'm working on some tasty angst right now)

Can't wait to see where everything goes, GOOD LUCK TO CASEY but there only six chapters left so we're getting to the end game now >:D

Please have a wonderful rest of your week :D

THANK U SO MUCH ;w; I’m so so happy that my fight scenes are followable/enjoyable, and tho they are a binch to code I’m so happy you enjoy the funky fonts and formatting ;w; i know reading blocks of text can be intimidating/tiring for readers, so i try to break it up to help with the pacing and sprinkle in some fun, spooky fonts as treats 🩵

Something i really, REALLY loved about Rise was the fights. Not only was the animation amazing, but it was always so creative. I try my best to make the fight scenes as silly as the boys can be, while utilizing their adaptive skills to use their surroundings to their advantage.

And bruh trying to balance Leo’s insanity in a believable way has been such a (fun) challenge so it makes me so happy to hear you like it 😭🥺 and I’m so glad people seem to like the ‘teleportation’ gimmick I’ve got going on (and that it hopefully makes sense omg)

(And i will admit I’m a little proud of my chapter previews because they are so fun to write, and i like to reassure readers that 1) i have a plan and 2) I’m keeping myself accountable to finish LOL)

Also aksdlaskdhaksdh thank u for this art this part especially is SENDING ME WHEEZE 🤣🩵❗️

#he is so SILLY!!! #akasdaksd THANK U SO MUCH I LOVE IT #you translated this moment so well LOOOOL #I’m glad that my attempts at comedic moments are funny to others lmao #he’s my silly little guy your honor #tnv asks #pastel prattling #tnv fanart #the neon void tmnt #rottmnt #the neon void #tnv tmnt

[kp-alice]

size kink with mingyu ?

Hi! I'm guessing you're sending this for my ongoing sub!svt event, but please read the instructions again!! I'm writing about who would be into certain kinks, not about specific member-kink combinations people send me!!

I'll accept it this time, though, because I like discussing this specific kink anyway, lol. Enjoy!

Oh and lastly - two of these automatically assume you're smaller/shorter than the member in question, mainly because I'm not sure how many people out here are noticeably bigger than them, haha. The rest can go either way, though! Hope that's okay.

SIZE KINK WITH SUB!SEVENTEEN

Okay, I admit, I agree with you on who'd take first place for this kink. There's just no way it isn't Mingyu, lol. Anyone who's watched this man for at least a little bit (and noticed his suspicious tendency of dropping to his knees and generally making himself appear smaller) can easily see that size kink is absolute Mingyu territory. He already pegs me as the type to want someone who can toss him around a bit, but having said person be considerably smaller/weaker/both than him?? That's Mingyu's heaven right there. Not only is the physical difference satisfying to look at, but it perfectly underlines the whole humiliation of being (very willingly) overpowered by someone else.

So please, take note of how adoringly he looks up at you whenever you have him on his knees, and make good use of it in the future. Laugh in his face as you push your foot down on his crotch, tug him down to your level by his hair when talking, restrain his hands with your smaller one and roam his broad chest to your heart's content - he'll love it just as much as you, if not more <3

For the most part, Wonwoo belongs here for the same reason as Mingyu. Like him, Wonwoo would love the deliciously embarrassing contrast between your sizes, especially when you're on top of him. He'd watch with curious yet meek eyes as you get comfortable in his lap, smoothing your gentle hands across the expanse of his chest, only to make him let out a startled pained noise as you scratch your nails all the way down, leaving a beautiful row of hot, red lines across his skin.

However, that's not the only reason he'd like your smaller size. Because besides the purely sexual, almost masochistic appeal of it, the difference is also kind of comforting for Wonwoo. Knowing that he's willingly letting you take over, yet could actually break free from you if he tried, makes him subconsciously feel more comfortable and calm. It's not like he doesn't trust you, of course not! It's just that the softness of your size would help him ease into a submissive headspace a lot easier, allowing him to be more vulnerable with you and finally let you pamper him without feeling bad about it. In a way, your presence evokes the softest side of Wonwoo, because when he sees you and your gentle frame, no matter how intense the scene is, he knows he's always safe with you.

Woozi can go both ways. If you're taller/bigger than him, he'll tend to fall into a more obedient and subservient, almost desperate-to-please subspace. Unlike in his daily life, he'd actually enjoy feeling small next to you because he knows you'll never make fun of him for it and cherish him just the way he is - and in return, you've earned his utmost loyalty and submission.

On the other hand, if you're shorter/smaller than him, Woozi will find himself feeling a lot softer and more peaceful around you. You don't look down on him like a lot of other people do (mainly physically, but in other ways as well), and that knowledge gives him a lot of unspoken comfort. With you, he can become as small and vulnerable as he wants without fearing any judgment from you.

Either way, the size difference between you and Woozi is mainly a thing of comfort for him and he cherishes it dearly <3

Lastly, I also feel like Seungcheol might enjoy the size difference, though definitely not as strongly as the others. With him, it's more so just one day noticing how small/big you look on top of him and going "Huh, neat." in his head before moving on. In other words, for him, it's more of an appreciation than a kink per se, lol.

Thank you for reading! And remember, feedback is always appreciated! ♥  

#sub!seventeen #sub!svt #seventeen smut #seventeen reactions #seventeen reaction #seventeen headcanon #seventeen headcanons #seventeen x reader #sub!mingyu #sub!wonwoo #sub!seungcheol #sub!woozi

[finnsbubblegum]

my dearest i'm going through withdrawals from your writing and frankly i just miss you 🥺🥺

i had a request if you were taking them?

i am currently in an mentally abusive relationship and things aren't really going to hot on my end

i was wondering if you could do one where joel comes in an rescues reader from said relationship? pure fluff and heartwarming stuff i could really use it rn 🖤

ps sorry it got so dark lol 🖤

A/N: Hi anon! I’m so sorry for the late reply. I’m sorry that happened to you, hope you’re doing okay. I tried my best writing this fic hope it helps you feel better. Yes, I read your requests! I just haven't had the time and idea what to write so i am so so sorry. I will write your requests, don't worry! but please be patient😭 I'm writing this first because it seems urgent😭 Btw if you need someone to talk to, you can always send me private messages! 

Worth Saving (Joel Miller X Reader)

Warnings: abusive boyfriend, guns, lmk if i missed any

(Reader’s Pov)

“Ty, can we rest here for a few days? I think it’s a pretty decent place. There is a lot of canned food here and there’s a bed here.” You pointed at the dusty bed.

You and your boyfriend found an abandoned house trying to stock some supplies. You had been doing these for years and kept moving anywhere as long as you didn’t come across people. Humans were more dangerous these days than clickers. 

“Are you serious?” Your boyfriend, Tyler, furrowed his eyebrows and raised his voice.

“Just for a few days.” You stepped back.

“How are you so stupid?” Your boyfriend stepped closer to you.

You knew he was angry. He always had. He never listened to you. 

“I’m sorry. It’s just. I saw a bed and I just wanted to sleep on a bed. You know after all these years.” Your voice started to crack.

“After all these years?” He scoffed.

“I have kept you safe and protected you. And it’s still not enough?” Tyler grabbed both of your shoulders with force.

“That’s not what I meant.” You tried to hold your tears.

“Don’t you dare cry, woman!” He tightened his grip on your shoulder.

“Ty, you’re hurting me.” You sobbed.

“Let me tell you something. You’re such a burden. I should have left you there eaten by those clickers. Or maybe.. I should kill you now. ” Your abusive boyfriend said those words right in front of your face. 

Then he took his gun and pointed it right at your forehead. He loaded the gun and was ready to pull the trigger. You closed your eyes, shaking and shed a tear. 

(Joel’s Pov)

“Shh..someone’s here.” Joel whispered to Tommy and pointed at the traces someone left on the first floor.

Tommy nodded and walked slowly behind Joel. Joel and Tommy looked at each other as they heard your fight with your boyfriend. 

*creak*

“Tommy!” Joel whispered scolding Tommy who was making sounds from the old stairs.

Tommy raised his hands and mouthed “sorry”. 

(Reader’s Pov)

“Let me tell you something. You’re such a burden. I should have left you there eaten by those clickers. Or maybe.. I should kill you now. ” Your abusive boyfriend said those words right in front of your face. 

Then he took his gun and pointed it right at your forehead. He loaded the gun and was ready to pull the trigger. 

“No! Please don’t kill me! Please!” You closed your eyes, shaking and crying.

(Joel’s Pov)

Joel was ready to shoot whoever inside the room but Tommy reminded him not to kill innocent people. Joel rolled his eyes and stayed behind Tommy as Tommy instructed. Then he remembered Bill’s letter that was left for him.

“...I used to hate the world, and I was happy when everyone died. But I was wrong because there was one person worth saving. That’s what I did. I saved him. Then I protected him. That’s why men like you and me are here. We have a job to do. And God help any motherfuckers who stand in our way...”

He remembered his job was to save someone who was worth saving. And it could be anyone and Ellie was one of them. 

“1,2,.” Tommy mouthed to Joel.

“3!” Tommy kicked the door open and found you with a gun pointing at your head.

Joel and Tommy’s guns were all pointed towards you and your boyfriend.

“Put your guns down!” Tyler swiftly pointed his gun to Tommy.

“Please! We’re innocent.” You raised your hands.

“Tommy!” Joel breathed heavily, he was ready to pull the trigger.

Tommy looked at Joel and shook his head. Tommy didn’t want Joel to kill innocent people anymore. He wanted him to change and Joel was getting better since he spent a few months in Jackson.

“Let’s talk this through and put our guns down.” Tommy said.

“You first.” Tyler looked at Tommy then to Joel.

Tommy put his guns down slowly. Joel didn’t.

“Hey! You too.” Tyler shakily pointed his gun to Joel.

Joel cleared his throat as he put his gun down slowly. As Tyler put his gun down slowly after Joel, you thought it was the perfect time to run away from this mess and your abusive boyfriend. You took a deep breath and got ready to run. When everyone’s gun was on the floor, you ran as fast as you could. 

*Bang*

You heard a gunshot when you were just out of the room and you stopped running. 

“Joel!” Tommy shouted.

Your body shook and turned your head slowly. You saw your boyfriend’s dead body laying soulless on the floor. You gasped and covered your mouth with your hands. 

“Are you okay?” Tommy asked you.

You shook your head. You didn’t know how you felt. You were sad that your boyfriend died but you were also relieved because you were finally free from him.

“Were you close with him?” Tommy put his hand on your shoulder.

“He-uh-he was my boyfriend.” You nodded.

“He tried to kill you.” Joel said behind Tommy.

Joel walked closer to you, “Twice.” 

Apparently your boyfriend took his gun and tried to shoot you from behind when you tried to run away. And Joel shot him before your boyfriend pulled the trigger. He knew from his gut that you were worth saving so he took his chance. 

You were speechless so you just stayed quiet. The two men asked you to come with them. They told you they have a place for you with nice people, nice clothes, and food. Tommy had to bring some supplies on his horse so you ended up riding the horse with Joel. 

“You’re gonna rip my jacket if you do that.” Joel grabbed your hand and moved them on his waist.

Your heart beat faster but you felt safe around him. You were too tired from your day and all the shocks so you rested your head behind his broad back. 

“It wasn’t twice.”  You suddenly said.

“Huh?” Joel didn't follow.

“Tyler-uh-the one you killed-he tried to kill me multiple times.” Tears fell down to your cheeks.

“So..thank you. You saved my life. I owe you.” You wiped your tears and rested your head again on his back.

“You’re safe now.” Joel answered you.

“Sorry.” You chuckled, suddenly realizing your tears made his jacket wet. You rubbed his back trying to dry it.

“It’s okay.” Joel chuckled. 

The End

#joel miller #pedro pascal #joel miller one shot #joel miller x reader #joel miller imagine #joel miller x you #the last of us imagine #the last of us x reader #the last of us x you #pedro pascal x reader #joel miller fic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller smut #pedro pascal fic #pedro pascal fanfiction #the last of us fanfiction #joel miller fluff #tlou fanfic #tlou fanfiction #the last of us fic #the last of us fanfic #pedro pascal character #pedro pascal fanfic #fanfiction #fiction

[diagonal-queen]

HI HIIII

just poppin in with a little request?

Could i please request chuuya with a reader who’s in the ada?

Like maybe they were in the mafia with chuuya(having been there abt as long as dazai) and then they get closer to him than dazai? But they also leave the pm when dazai does (for the same reasom dazai does?)

Maybe they try to keep contact with him after they leave? And they finallY meet again after a while?

And maybe reader has the same personality as the reader from your first kiss fic?

Idk if this is too specific but please ignore any of my details and write what feels right to you if you accept this request?

I hope this isnt too much to ask? And thank youuuuu

(Also sorry I fell asleep{exams hv me ass beatt} loved your analyses on dm!)

-jaya

jayaaaaaaaa this is a great req! i've already sort of come up with such a scenario in my head i just haven't had a reason to write it UNTIL NOWWWWWWWWWW also my gosh, i can imagine how tired you are. make sure to get plenty of rest and take care of yourself hon! 🌺 (i appreciate you sending karl to gimmie some toilet papers (all raccoons are karl now))

Calmer Waters

♡ pairing: Chuuya Nakahara x gn!Reader

♡ synopsis: You secretly meet up with your ex-colleague Chuuya after a long period of not having seen him after leaving the Port Mafia. You two have a lot (of feelings) to talk about!

♡ wc: 2.3k

♡ cw: Swearing, mentions of death and spooooky mafia stuff, for this fic we're assuming that reader was also kinda friends with Odasaku, mentions of Mori Ougai, lmk if I missed anything

note: Don't worry about being too specific, I actually prefer when reqs are more specific so I have an easier time catering to the reader's preferences and writing a better piece lol 💓 Apologies for errors and I hope you enjoy!

Standing still was pure torture. You had to release your nerves somehow, but you didn't want to appear weak by twiddling your thumbs, or tapping your feet on the wooden planks of the pier. You were frightened, ashamedly so, but still very much frightened.

You couldn't imagine how he must truly feel about you now. You couldn't blame him at all- if he'd disappeared just as suddenly as you and Dazai had all those years ago, you'd be pretty pissed. You and him had been in very unstable contact for the past four years, but you didn't think you could trust that as an actual indicator of his feelings towards you. Such was the reason you had invited him to the place you both used to frequent together.

Chuuya was once your best friend. At the time you'd had good faith that even though you were leaving him, he wasn't really alone. There were others who cared for him there. You didn't have a choice but to leave. Whenever you felt otherwise, you remembered the look in Dazai's eyes when he told you that it was time to go. Unlike any other.

You were so caught up in your thoughts that you didn't notice him approaching.

"Hey," he said from behind you, and you jumped.

"Oh, my god." You breathed, your hand racing to your chest as you turned. It was unmistakably him- the fiery hair, old fedora, black coat draped over his shoulders making him appear fierce and grandiose. Chuuya Nakahara. "You scared me."

"I'm not that frightening," Chuuya gave you an ironic smile. You missed that face of his. That comforting aura. "At least, I didn't think I was to you."

"No- it's..." you suddenly felt like you might cry. You hadn't actually seen Chuuya in person for four long years, only scarcely communicating with him through far too complicated means, ranging from anonymous phone calls to actual paper letters. It was too difficult to directly talk to him when not only were you now in a company that directly opposed his organisation, but you were also almost always by Dazai's side.

You both stood under the moonlight, Chuuya several metres back on the pier and enveloped in shadows. The only sound was the ocean, and even that felt more muted than normal. You huffed, before racing towards him and throwing yourself into his arms.

"I missed you," you said to him, squeezing him as hard as you could. "I missed you, Chuuya."

You hadn't been expecting him to squeeze you back with such firmness that he almost lifted you off the ground.

"Damnit, Y/N. I missed you, too."

You two didn't let go of each other, allowing your fingernails to sink into one another's backs and bury your faces in each other's necks. Chuuya's aroma, musk and cologne and smoke, acted as respite from the salty scent of the sea.

"I don't..." you began, in a whisper. "Don't wanna let go."

"I know, but..." he answered just as softly, before slowly pulling from the embrace. He still kept your hands in his though, clearly feeling the same way you did. You were worried that he'd vanish if you were to let go of him again. "There we are."

"You look great, Chuuya," you told him, giving him a once over. "Still got that hat, I see."

"You don't look too similar at all, yourself. But...you feel the same."

"Does that balance it out?" You grinned, and he nodded. "Good...yeah. I'm glad to see you."

"Yeah, me too." Chuuya told you. "I was pretty fuckin' surprised when I saw your offer, y'know. I wondered why whatever you wanted to say was important enough to warrant an in-person meeting."

"I was equally as surprised just now when you showed up!" You replied, leading him to the edge of the pier and taking a seat, allowing your legs to dangle over the almost-statuesque ocean. "I thought that you either wouldn't come or you'd send someone else in your place. Y'know, to kill me, or something."

"...yeah." Chuuya paused for a minute, almost surprised by such a statement. You glanced at him, concerned, but quickly resumed your conversation.

"I know...there's things you wanna ask me that I wasn't able to tell you sooner. And I made sure Dazai doesn't know I'm here, either. So I'm all yours to talk to, so long as you keep it between us, and-"

"Why did you two go?" He asked, for what must have been the hundredth time. Though, it sounded rather different now that it was coming directly from his lips. "That's all I've been wanting to know. Why did you leave? ...I won't tell anyone else." You were fully prepared to answer, but now that the time had come, finding the words was much harder.

"...I knew you'd ask this," you chuckled, averting his gaze. "Ah, okay. So, do you know Oda Sakunosuke? Or...did you know him?"

"Heard about him from Dazai. Why?"

"When he died...his last wish was for us to...uh, help people..." you explained, a little nervously. "Save some orphans, he said. According to Dazai, anyway. That's how we got A- the weretiger."

Chuuya said nothing for a minute. You swallowed nervously, your mouth feeling dry.

"I thought at the time that there wasn't much worse than disrespecting the last wish of your friend who died. I knew how much he meant to Dazai especially-" you cut yourself off with a solemn sigh. "I thought if Dazai was going I didn't have a choice but to go with him. When I joined the Port Mafia, he was the only person my age, or...who was really willing to take me under their wing. Besides Mori, obviously, but I don't have Dazai's intellect, or...great personality."

To your fortune, you managed to make Chuuya smile with the sarcastic comment. You felt a little better knowing that he hadn't changed that much.

"I'm glad it's not because you really just hated me," he said, his voice softer. You faced him with a confused frown.

"What? No! I've never hated you. Do you hate me?"

"I hate Dazai, not you."

"So some things don't change..." you murmured, jokingly. "If you were curious, he also still hates you."

"Boohoo," he rolled his eyes. "...but that's what I was really worried about. I thought you left because of me. I thought that bastard must've told you some twisted things about me and convinced you to leave."

"Nah, nothing like that," you waved a dismissive hand. "If that were the case I wouldn't have wanted to see you, would I?"

Chuuya pursed his lips. "Fair point. Speaking of, though...why did you call me here? I mean, I know you wanted to tell me why you left, but that can't have been it. I can tell."

How annoying it was of Chuuya to have been so attentive towards you back then- he maybe knew you better than you knew yourself. Maybe if you'd kept your distance from him, leaving the Port Mafia would have been easier.

"...this is gonna sound stupid to you," you began, cautiously, "but I really wanted to see you. That's all."

"Is that right?" replied the redhead. "Why'd you wait so long, then?"

"Lots of reasons, actually. First, I just assumed that you absolutely wouldn't wanna see me. I mean, I did sorta just...disappear without a word. I felt terrible about it and I knew it would have upset you."

"It did," he affirmed, quietly. You felt a pang of familiar guilt. Chuuya was, to you, a kind man, but he was also honest. You really did appreciate that trait, but it had its cons, too.

"...second of all, I didn't wanna put the two of us in danger, y'know? We both know how formidable the Port Mafia is. There's only two ways of knowing, and that's either to be a member or to be an enemy. And I've been both."

"You know, though, that I'd have been able to keep you safe, right?" He asked. "That moron Dazai would have been willing to keep you safe too, I reckon. I know that he also cares about you."

"I guess, but I was just scared. It was hard, back then. I was confused about everything. I had to sort through my feelings, and I knew that I couldn't do it if I saw you."

"If you felt that bad, you shouldn't have left. I get that Dazai wanted you to, and your dead friend wanted it too, but it's not up to them what you do, Y/N," he said. You almost flinched, but resisted the urge.

"...I know, yeah. At the time it felt like the right thing to do. But those aren't the feelings I was referring to. That's an entire other can of worms I don't feel like opening again right now." You rubbed your face, already rather emotionally exhausted. That being said, this exchange had gone much better than you'd anticipated.

"What feelings, then? Grief, or somethin'?"

"No- well, yeah, but not necessarily. I was just really sad because I liked you a lot, and I was hesitant about leaving 'cause I wanted to stay with you." You thought you'd be nervous telling him that, but it was really a relief to get such a heavy weight off your shoulders. You glanced at him, but his expression hadn't really changed.

"You didn't want to leave...because you liked me?"

"I've always liked you, dumbass. Like, pretty soon after we met. You and Dazai were too busy fucking with each other for you to notice, though," you chuckled. "Once I knew I was leaving I figured that telling you wouldn't do any good."

"No, I knew. I was mostly just pissed because you vanished before I could tell you that I wanted to date you," he told you, casually. Your eyes widened. "Plus, I kinda just thought that you liked Dazai if the two of you disappeared together."

"You're kidding me," you looked at him, dumbstruck. Chuuya shrugged with a despondent smile.

"I wish," he scoffed. "I was pissed. Thought it wasn't fair of him to basically take you away like that, because I knew he knew I liked you. Like I said, I thought he lied about me."

"He did say to avoid you where I could, but I think that was just because you're a mafioso. And a pretty strong one, at that," you noted, matter-of-factly. "And I don't have a strong ability like yours or his. So I got that, obviously. But other than that...nothing, really."

"Huh. That's...pleasantly surprising," he nodded slowly, in acknowledgement of this revelation. "So your leaving had...nothing to do with me at all?"

"Nope."

"...huh," he said again, this time with a smile. "...that's really..."

"I'm sorry for making you think that for so long," you apologised, clasping your hands together in your lap. "I didn't want to hurt you. I would...I would cry right now, but I can't cry anymore about this, I don't think."

"...I understand." Chuuya shifted closer to you, taking one of your hands. "And I forgive you. You forgive me?"

"Forgive you for what?"

"For not..." Chuuya stopped, then turned towards the moonlit sea. "...not trusting you."

You could practically sense Chuuya's slight slouch next to you. It felt so strange. He used to slouch a lot of the time when you two were kids, so much so that it barely even felt like he was sitting. You hadn't really noticed how much better his posture had gotten until that moment. Feeling a little awkward for noticing such a trivial detail, you sadly brushed off the thought.

"...Chuuya," you muttered, reaching over and tucking some of his red hair behind his ear. Such a gesture provoked a lot of nostalgia right then, momentarily surprising you. His hair was still so soft. You took a shaky breath. "That wasn't wrong of you to do. I wouldn't have trusted me either, even if I did like me. I'd have hated me, honestly."

Chuuya faced you with a firm expression. "I wouldn't hate you, ever. I like you, remember? Actually, forget that crap. I love you, stupid. If I didn't, then I wouldn't have come here and talked to you. Y'know, for a former mafia member, you're so dense."

"You're the dense one for thinking that I'd actually leave the mafia because of you," you retorted, though your heart was beating a mile a minute. Though you and Chuuya had a well-established close bond back then, he had never outright told you that he loved you. You sighed. "...I love you too, you idiot."

Chuuya didn't reply to that immediately, he just beamed at you. Looking at him in that moment felt like a reset in your brain- as well as your confession moments prior. You'd tried so hard to forget about him for four years, you really had. But Chuuya Nakahara was beyond compare, and even though all of that effort had been for naught you couldn't care less.

He leaned over and planted a kiss on your cheek; chaste and shy, unlike himself. You turned to him, feeling your face heating up. He stared at you in anticipation, before faltering under your astonished eyes.

"Sorry, it-...it just felt like the right time. To do that, I mean," he explained in a crestfallen mumble, averting his gaze.

"Well, I mean, if it's the right time.." you began, piquing his interest again. "...we should do it properly." After hearing that invitation, Chuuya wasted no time cupping your cheek in his hand and finally pressing his lips to yours.

i gotta love how chuuya is certainly the most requested character i write about lol but i get it- he really is just...the man ever. and he's actually really easy to write tbh because all i need to do is make him The Best™ and i'm set. thank you @gettinshiggywithit for this request- i enjoyed writing it alot!!

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #fanfic #fanfiction #bsd fanfic #bsd fanfiction #bsd oneshot #bsd x reader #x reader #bungo stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungo stray dogs fanfiction #chuuya #chuuya nakahara #bsd chuuya #chuuya x reader #chuuya fanfic #chuuya nakahara x reader

[noaltbruh]

hey! I saw requests were open, if it's not a problem. what would bucci gang think of a fem reader with short hair or a buzzcut?

Not me googling what a buzzcut is-

But sure! 😄 I'm...Very sorry this turned out so short, I must admit I had some troubles coming up with what to write. If you ever want to request something else, you're more than welcomed to ^^

Bucci gang with a S/O with a buzzcut.

Giorno 🐞

Can I just say Giorno admires you in a certain way?

He knows that it's not a very conventional "feminine" haircut, and that you may get bad looks from some... People, from time to time.

But he really approves the way you don't seem to worry about what others think in the slightest, it's something he finds really fascinating in a person.

He supports your look 100% and tells you how beautiful you are in his eyes any time he can.

I can see him buying you a lot of outfits to go with the rest of your appearance. He loves to spoil you and thinks it's a better way to prove he truly believes you look stunning.

His long hair and braid create a nice contrast to your own. He thinks it's nice how the two of you break the usual norms for female and male beauty.

Bruno 🤐

Bruno loves how much your haircut makes you stick out for the norm.

He encourages you to express yourself in any way it makes you feel comfortable, and if it's with a buzzcut, why not?

He'll be ready to send away just with a single look anyone who may have something to say about your appearance.

He'd invite you to ignore those who don't approve of your image and he'd constantly remind you that "long hair for women" is purely a convention. You don't have to conform to anything nor anyone.

I can see him wanting you to try on his little hairpins just because he thinks they'd look nice on you. If you don't want to though, it's alright and he wouldn't care to insist :)

Mista

Buddy I wouldn't be surprised if he had a buzzcut too if he ain't straight up bald lol

He thinks your short hair makes you look pretty badass, he likes to show off to the others how cool his girlfriend is.

He loves the way it makes you stand out from the ordinary and how you don't care about how people may judge you for your appearance.

The pistols probably like to sit on your head when they're tired, I'm sorry.

He gives you his hat to protect you from them, although he's kinda sad about covering your haircut.

Narancia 🍊

Narancia doesn't mind your look at all! He thinks it's so cool that you look pretty different from most girls he's met growing up.

Please let him put his headband on you, he thinks you'd look adorable with it.

He's probably considered getting a buzzcut too just to match with you. With enough convincing, you might actually get him to do it.

Forgive me for this, but he'd totally use your head as a drum whenever he's getting bored.

He'll stop as soon as you ask him though.

He can, and will stab anyone who says anything negative about your look. No one criticises his girlfriend and gets away with it.

Fugo 🍓

To be honest, Fugo never really thought much about your appearance until you pointed it out to him.

Not because you're ugly, of course. He simply thinks it's your body and you choose how to show yourself to others, it's a style choice like anything else.

But if you were to directly ask him what he thinks about it, he won't hesitate to show that he genuinely does love your look.

Probably kisses your head very often to make up for the time he appeared a bit disinterested at first. He doesn't mean to make you think he doesn't care about it, he just thinks you're beautiful in any case.

After some time though, even when you're sure he held no ill intentions, he just keeps on doing it because he loves kissing you in general.

Abbacchio ⏮️

Okay, Abbacchio probably thought from the very beginning that your look was quite astounding. He loved the slightly masculine vibe you gave off, in contrast with his long hair.

But is he going to say that out loud? No, or course not. He can't admit something, at least in his mind, so "cheesy", even if it's not really so bad.

When you directly ask him what he thinks about your appearance, he tries to avoid and change the subject as soon as possible, which most likely leads you to believe you look bad in his eyes.

Normally, you don't really care about what people have to say about it, but it hurts coming from your partner.

Nonetheless the man is not stupid, and he can see that his response hurt you.

So, albeit still reluctantly, he will try to show more appreciation for your haircut, just enough for you to realize he really means it.

Trish 🎙

Okay, I'll be honest with you: Trish probably didn't like your haircut a lot at first. It's just not really her style.

If you're part of the gang and met her while escorting her, she might even say it to your face at some point. If you met her later, she'll just keep it to herself.

Either way, once she starts to warm up to you, she'll apologize and ask you to forgive her for her rude comments, or even for just thinking that.

Being with you made her appreciate this new type of look more, she kind of likes the way it seems to to balance out her own quite feminine appearance.

She's a bit sad she can't try many haircuts on you, so she loves to do your make up to make it match with your overall vibe.

#jojo #jojo's bizarre adventure #vento aureo #jjba golden wind #jojo vento aureo #jjba part 5 #jojo's bizzare adventure vento aureo #jojo golden wind #buccigang #bucci gang x reader #vento aureo x reader #golden wind x reader #jojo's bizzare adventure x reader #giorno x reader #giorno giovanna x reader #bruno x reader #bruno bucciarati x reader #guido mista x reader #mista x reader #narancia x reader #narancia ghirga x reader #pannacotta fugo x reader #fugo x reader #leone abbacchio x reader #abbacchio x reader #trish x reader #trish una x reader #bucci gang headcanons #bucci gang

[dystopicjumpsuit]

Martyrs and Kings AND ZOMBIES!!!

A/N: I'm so excited to share this spooky, sexy one-shot sequel to Martyrs and Kings! I've been planning this fic for months, and I hope y'all love it. Quick note: obviously, this fic contains spoilers for M&K; however, it was beta-read by my partner who has not (yet) read the original fic, and they said it worked as a stand-alone story, so if you haven't read M&K yet and don't mind spoilers, read on!

This fic is dedicated to the amazing @clonemedickix in gratitude for all the love and support that you've shown me and so many others in the fandom. Thank you so much for everything you do, and particularly thank you for your feedback on the field medicine. You are a rock star!

One final caveat: I am a horror wimp, but I did my best. Please don't expect Stephen King 💜

Pairing: Post-stasis Kix x OFC Dr. Maree Finnall

Rating: M (minors DNI)

Wordcount: 5k (this just made M&K 10% longer lol)

Warnings and tags: peril; suspense; violence; blood and injury; gore; medical procedures; adult language; SMUT; oral sex; face-sitting; Kix activating my competence kink like no other. IMPORTANT: an additional content warning is listed at the end of the fic due to spoilers. If you have triggers, please check the end of the fic for the BOLD PINK TEXT before reading.

Summary: The crew of the Meson Martinet goes after the score of a lifetime and discover that they may have bitten off more than they can chew.

Suggested listening:

Martyrs and Kings chapter 1 | Masterlist | Sign up for my tag list

“B1.5-series battle droids are a myth,” Kix said firmly. “You’re wasting your time.”

“The good doctor doesn’t share your opinion,” Quiggold argued.

Sidon Ithano, as usual, said nothing, his crimson helmet swiveling slowly toward Maree. Kix turned to her as well, his jaw set, his eyes full of confidence that she would back him up. Kriff it. She absolutely hated being caught in the middle of this argument.

She cleared her throat. “There’s… some debate in the academic community about their existence, actually. If they ever were created, they were never deployed at any recorded battle—and it’s a good thing, too.”

“Why is that, exactly?” Reeg Brosna asked.

He was sprawled on the bench of the dinette, his arm draped around Orys Brenko as the research assistant perked up immediately.

“Is it true that they used nanodroids to retrofit original B1-series droids?” Brenko asked, his face flushing dark green with excitement.

“That is one theory,” Maree said circumspectly, keenly aware of Kix’s scrutiny. “According to contemporary sources—and noting that those sources are unreliable at best—the B1.5s had significantly upgraded blaster resistance. There was another rumor as well, even less credible.”

“What rumor?” Reveth interrupted, leaning forward over the table, drawing Ithano’s attention subtly.

“They said the B1.5s could keep going even if you blasted their processors,” Kix cut in before Maree could reply. “It was a stupid story the commandos made up to scare the shinies.”

“But what if it wasn’t?” Brosna asked. “Indestructible battle droids? They’d be worth a fortune.”

“Even if they don’t exist, the haul from a Techno Union stronghold could set us up for life,” Reveth pointed out. “I say we go after it.”

Squeaky grunted his agreement, predictably. The Gamorrean was always guaranteed to follow the pretty Twi’lek’s lead. Reveth could have suggested a nude spacewalk, and Squeaky would have thought it was a grand idea. Brosna and Brenko voted in favor as well. Kix voted against, and Maree did as well, purely out of solidarity. Privately, she was consumed with curiosity about the B1.5s, and she couldn’t deny that the possibility of such a groundbreaking discovery was alluring in the extreme.

Quiggold voted in favor, and Ithano abstained, and so it was decided: the crew would send a team to scout the Techno Union stronghold, and if they found anything worthwhile, the rest of Ithano’s small fleet would join them.

“We’re gonna need your expertise, Doc,” Reveth said to Maree. 

“Absolutely not,” Kix snapped.

Maree glanced at him in surprise. It was unlike him to try to overrule her choice, and she didn’t care for it. “Reveth is right, Kix. I’ll be able to identify the highest-value items, and I have a good idea of what’s in demand.”

Kix looked away, clearly unhappy, but recognizing that he’d overstepped. “Fine. But if you’re going, I’m going, too.”

“We’ll need you to stay and command the fleet from the Scorpion while the captain is away,” Quiggold interjected.

“Fuck that,” Kix growled. “Brosna is my first mate—he can take command from the Scorpion. When it comes to Maree’s safety, I outrank everyone on this ship.”

“Brosna doesn’t have the experience—” Quiggold began.

“Agreed,” Ithano said, his deep voice cutting through the buzz of conversation and debate in the Martinet’s galley. “Quiggold, command the fleet from the Martinet. Brosna, take the Scorpion. Reveth, Squeaky, you’re with us.”

The captain’s decision was final, and within a few hours, Kix, Maree, Reveth, Squeaky, and Ithano had boarded the Scorpion’s shuttle Stinger and departed for the desolate moon where the Techno Union base had sat untouched for over fifty years.

“Fifty credits says we find nothing,” Kix said.

“I’ll take that bet,” Reveth replied.

Squeaky grunted his agreement. Ithano said nothing.

“Maree, you want in on this action?” Reveth asked.

“Kix and I have a private bet on the side,” Maree said with a mischievous twinkle as Kix shot her an inscrutable look.

Reveth smirked. “Sounds like fun.”

“Oh, it will be,” Maree replied. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flash of crimson as Ithano moved through the shuttle. On impulse, she leaned in and whispered in Reveth’s ear cone.

Reveth’s eyes widened as her mechanical hand instinctively settled on Maree’s waist. “Damn. You and Kix want a third for that?”

Ithano’s helmet whipped to the side as he suddenly became very interested in the conversation. Maree suppressed a laugh.

“What do you think, Kix?” Maree asked with faux innocence. “Can Reveth play with us?”

Kix eyed her with a perfectly neutral expression that warned Maree he knew exactly what she was up to. “You gotta win that bet if you want to call the shots.”

“You’re on,” Maree replied immediately.

Ithano’s helmet swiveled from Maree, to Reveth, to Kix, and back to Reveth, but he said nothing. Kix merely turned back to the navigation controls and continued to pilot the shuttle toward their destination.

The old Techno Union stronghold was on a remote, swampy moon, and the dense vegetation had grown thickly over the past five decades. Kix was forced to set the shuttle down several klicks from the decrepit base. He didn’t like it. He didn’t kriffing like any of this. It was too far; they’d be too exposed; their progress would be too slow in the mud. He glanced at Maree and felt his anxiety spike.

How the kark am I supposed to protect her out there?

He double-checked her gear as she suited up, adjusting the fit of her holster for a quicker draw. He quickly inspected her blaster before handing it to her.

“What’s going on?” she asked quietly. “You’re on edge.”

He shook his head. “I don’t have a good feeling about this mission.”

“It’s not the first time we’ve gone into one of these old strongholds,” she pointed out. “We’ll be okay.”

He nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Just… Keep your eyes open.”

“I will,” she promised. “And I know you’ll watch my back. Just like I’ll watch yours.”

He traced his fingertips along her jaw as he pulled her closer to himself. He couldn’t feel her soft warmth through his armor, but her nearness felt comforting regardless. He kissed her gently, threading his fingers through the hair that she wore in loose braids. 

She looked so different now than she had the first time he’d met her two years earlier; her elegant wardrobe replaced with sturdy, practical clothing meant to withstand rough field work and the occasional blaster fight. But underneath, she still smelled like tea and honey and home. She was still the same—still his Maree.

“If you’re finished sucking the lips off her face, can we get going?” Reveth teased. “Droids aren’t gonna find themselves.”

Despite Kix’s misgivings, the trek to the derelict base was uneventful. Squeaky stayed with the shuttle in case they needed a quick extraction, while Ithano, Reveth, and Maree hacked their way through the underbrush along with Kix. It was slow going, and the swamp was creepy as hell, but eventually they made it to the plastcrete and durasteel structure.

There was no power to the base, so they cut their way through the sealed exterior blast doors. Once inside, the group fell silent as they made their way through the dusty, cobwebbed hallways. The base was pitch black inside, illuminated only by their own torches, and once again, Kix felt the simmering anxiety in his gut begin to roil.

“Something’s been living in here,” Reveth muttered, training the beam of her flashlight on a tangle of debris that was unmistakably a nest for something… large.

Kix didn’t respond, but he reached out and pulled Maree closer to himself, then drew one of his DC-17s. Ithano brought up the rear, his blaster rifle ready.

“Control center should be just ahead,” Maree whispered. “Reveth might be able to restore power from there.”

“We’ll be karked if she can’t,” Kix replied quietly.

“Happy thoughts, Kix,” Maree murmured.

Right. Happy thoughts. Spiced biscuits. Unlimited bacta. Maree’s tits. More credits than I’ve ever seen in my life. The Scorpion. Weapons caches. Maree’s thighs. Maree’s thighs on my shoulders. Maree’s thighs framing my face while she rides—uh, weapons caches.

“Control center,” Reveth called under her breath as she reached a sealed doorway.

They pried it open enough to squeeze through. Kix went first, sweeping his light across the room as he scanned for threats. Reveth followed, then Maree and Ithano. Reveth headed straight for the control console and plugged in her small power unit and began to fiddle with the controls.

“Happy thoughts,” Kix mumbled, returning to the doorway to keep watch over the pitch-dark corridor.

Within a few moments, Reveth let out a quiet, triumphant huff as the control console flickered to life, dimly illuminating the room. She went to work immediately, interfacing her datapad with the ancient console.

“Damn. Main power cells are depleted,” she said. “I’ll try to at least get emergency lighting turned on.”

“Why would the power be depleted if the base has been abandoned for decades?” Maree asked. “The Techno Union had extraordinarily advanced power cells that were capable of storing energy far longer.”

“Unless something used it,” Reveth said.

Kix swiveled his head to stare at the Twi’lek.

“Like what?” he bit out.

She shrugged. “Dunno. But we might find out as soon as I get the data decrypted.”

A distant, deep hum sounded, and red light flickered on throughout the base.

“Nicely done,” Maree told Reveth.

“Let’s get the data and get the kriff out of here,” Kix growled, hating every minute of their time in the farking spooky base.

“Working on it,” Reveth snapped. “Think you can do it faster?”

Ithano glanced between Kix and Reveth, then moved to join Kix at the doorway, blaster rifle raised. “What is it?”

“Not sure,” Kix replied quietly. “Something doesn’t feel right.”

Ever reticent, Ithano merely nodded and took up position across from him. Kix nodded in silent gratitude that the pirate captain didn’t question his instincts. Then again, the Crimson Corsair hadn’t survived this long by ignoring his gut. 

Kix’s eyes darted to Maree again. She leaned over the console, scrolling rapidly through the data files, searching for any hint of the information they sought. He turned back toward the hallway, his eyes scanning it watchfully.

“No kriffin’ way,” Maree gasped.

“What?” Kix and Reveth demanded in unison.

“You just lost a bet, my love,” Maree told Kix.

“Wait, really?” Reveth asked. “It’s real?”

“‘Project Ophio,’” Maree read, her voice low and hurried. “Principal investigator Vamb Tebrem. Project number T327H1138X99. Primary focus of study is to develop experimental NM-K reconstitutors with the purpose of enhancing the durability and combat acumen of extant B-1 series assets…” Her voice trailed off as she leaned closer to the console, flicking through the data hurriedly. “Project director reported a 62% success rate in the initial efficacy trial; however the experimental reconstitutors were prohibitively expensive to manufacture, and the unpredictability observed in field tests was not adequately resolved—what field tests?”

“You catch any of that?” Reveth asked Kix.

He shrugged. Maree’s voice had dropped to an inaudible murmur as she scrolled through the data, then opened another data file. A quiet chime sounded from the console, drawing Reveth’s attention.

A glowing hologram appeared over the console: wave after wave of battle droids locked in combat a group of clone commandos who should have been able to easily defeat the B-1s. But the droids just kept going. Nothing could stop their advance as they overwhelmed the commandos’ positions and tore them to pieces. Kix swallowed hard, hearing the screams of the dying commandos, unable to take his eyes off the hologram. Maree slapped a button on the console and the sound paused abruptly as the holo froze.

“Holy kark,” she breathed.

“What?” Reveth asked. “Is that not normal?”

“No,” Kix said grimly. “We need to get out of here.”

“Uh, about that…” Reveth said.

Ithano swiveled his head toward the Twi’lek. “What?”

“Opening that holofile triggered an alert in the system,” Reveth said. “Hopefully it’s nothing?”

“Time to go,” Kix growled.

“Yeah,” Maree said, her voice shaky. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“At least let me download the records,” Reveth argued, jamming a data spike into the console.

They all froze as a distant but unmistakable crash echoed through the base, followed by a rhythmic thumping.

“What is that?” Maree whispered.

“Clankers,” Kix said grimly, drawing his second blaster. “Seal the blast doors.”

“We’ll be trapped in here!” Reveth objected.

Maree stared at Kix. “Can’t we make it out before—”

A light flashed, and her body jerked as a blaster bolt smashed into her. She went down hard, and Kix barely had time to register what was happening before a firestorm of blaster bolts exploded into the room. He whirled back to the entrance and returned fire at the wave of battle droids that was advancing at high speed toward his position. Ithano was firing as fast as he could, but the droids weren’t dropping.

“Get those kriffing doors sealed!” Ithano bellowed.

Reveth had ducked down behind the console for cover as Maree scrambled to join her out of the line of fire. Reveth frantically worked the controls from her position on the floor, but she wasn’t fast enough. A single droid made it through before the doors slammed shut. The clanking and pounding of the army of droids battering against the blast doors was deafening. The lone battle droid charged across the command center.

“Kill it!” Kix shouted. “Fuckin’ kill it!”

Reveth, Ithano, and Kix unleashed a torrent of blaster bolts, but the karking thing wouldn’t go down, even as its components began to fail and fly off its body. It was headed for the console. It was headed toward Maree. Desperately, Kix launched himself at its mangled, skeletal form, tackling it as he locked his arms around and tore its head off with a sickening screech of twisting metal.

But the fucking thing kept moving, shambling toward the console. Kix growled and yanked out his vibroblade, slashing through the droid’s joints until nothing remained but a pile of scrap, and then he sprinted toward Maree, launching himself over the control console. 

“Maree!” Kix yelled hoarsely.

Her face was sweaty and contorted with pain as she clutched her hand around her upper arm, but she gave him a tight smile. “I’m all right.”

The blaster hole in her jacket sleeve was still smoking, and Kix felt sick as he saw blood covering her hand, oozing from a wound that should have been cauterized by the plasma bolt. 

“Let me see,” he ordered. 

She moved her hand, and he cut the sleeve away quickly, adrenaline coursing through his veins. Oh, fuck, it’s bad. It’s bad, and I don’t have my kit.

“We have to get out of here,” Reveth rasped.

Kix dug frantically through his pouches, finding only a few small bacta patches and a vial of spray bandage. He didn’t have a choice. It would have to do, at least until they could make it back to the Stinger. 

He shoved the jacket sleeve and vibroblade toward Reveth. “Cut that into strips. Wide ones.”

He drenched the blaster wound with spray bandage, then grabbed the first strip Reveth cut from the jacket sleeve and quickly tied it around Maree’s arm near her shoulder. “Do you have a stylus on you?”

“Always,” Maree said, her voice tense with pain. She pulled the stylus out of her pocket and handed it to him, carefully avoiding looking at the charred, bloody wound. “Why is it bleeding so much?”

Kix tied the ends of the cloth strip around the stylus and twisted to tighten the makeshift tourniquet, securing it as he replied in an artificially calm tone. “Sometimes it happens. Move just wrong—the cauterized scab opens—blood.”

He ripped open the bacta patches and arranged them carefully over the injury, covering it as well as he could before wrapping the rest of the fabric strips around them to secure them in place. Finally, he looked up into her eyes, inadvertently smearing her own blood on her cheek as he cupped her face.

“I’m not losing you today.” His words were firm, but tremor in his hands was undeniable, and his pulse thundered in his ears.

She smiled at him through dry, ashen lips, and he kissed her forehead, then helped her carefully to her feet. Reveth had pulled up a schematic of the base, and Ithano joined them at the console, pausing to squeeze Kix’s shoulder briefly.

“We don’t die so easily,” the captain said in his deep, rasping voice.

“Not today, anyway,” Reveth cut in. “I found an escape route.”

“Please tell me it’s not the ventilation shaft,” Maree said unsteadily.

“It’s always the ventilation shaft,” Reveth replied.

Maree’s shoulder screamed with agony as she crawled through the ventilation shaft. She gritted her teeth to hold back the whimper of pain that hovered at the base of her throat. The ventilation shaft was filthy and cramped, and their progress was torturously slow as they navigated as silently as possible to their destination. The conduit wouldn’t take them all the way out of the base, so they would have to make a run for the main entrance when they got close. The only way they stood a chance of escaping was to not draw the attention of the battle droids.

She followed Kix through the labyrinthine ductwork, crawling laboriously on her knees and one hand. Her injured arm had burned like fire when Kix first applied the tourniquet, but now her arm was completely numb—and equally useless. At last, they found the access hatch to the main corridor. Kix dropped down first, and then Maree realized exactly how difficult this was going to be with only one functional arm. 

“Just drop,” he whispered. “I’ll catch you.”

She took a deep breath and slid out of the maintenance hatch, feet first. Panic flashed in her mind briefly as she plummeted through the air, but Kix was true to his word, catching her before she could hit the ground. He set her down quickly and checked to make sure her bandage was still in place as first Reveth and then Ithano dropped down into the corridor.

They sprinted for the exit. Maree’s lungs burned and her vision blurred around the edges as she gasped for breath. Kix looked back at her sharply and reached for her hand, dragging her along behind him. By some miracle, the droids hadn’t detected them yet, and she could see the main entrance of the base. She forced herself to keep running, even as she stumbled and nearly went down, kept upright only by Kix’s strong grasp.

He tugged her arm over his shoulder and wrapped his arm around her waist to support her, but he didn’t slow his pace. “We have to keep going, love. We can’t stop now.”

“I know,” she wheezed. “So close…”

She could hear the clanking of droids behind them, and she pushed herself as hard as she ever had in her life to keep running. They cleared the entrance, and Reveth tossed a few magnetized thermal detonators onto the ceiling of the base. 

Keep running, don’t stop, keep going.

The explosion knocked them off their feet, but the rubble of the collapsed ceiling blocked the main entrance. It wouldn’t hold back the droids for long, but it bought them time—so long as they kept moving. Kix was up first, pulling Maree with him as Reveth and Ithano scrambled to their feet.

They ran for the trees as Reveth commed Squeaky. “We need a pickup, now!”

“He can’t get to us in the jungle!” Kix said. “We have to find a clearing where the shuttle can land.”

They dodged through the trees, trying to avoid the worst of the swampy ground, but the dense underbrush slowed their progress and steered them on a circuitous route. Out of the corner of her eye, Maree saw movement in the earth. The ground shifted and began to swell.

“What the kriff is that?” she demanded.

“Keep running, don’t look back,” Kix urged.

“No, what is that?” she repeated.

She saw a flash of pale, bonelike metal alloy, and then a battle droid erupted from the earth.

“Fuck!” she screamed.

All around them, the skeletal forms of B1.5 droids began to emerge from the swampy ground, punching their way to the surface and dragging themselves up from the mud. Kix released Maree and drew both of his blasters, opening fire without hesitation. Maree, Reveth, and Ithano followed suit, for all the good it did them. The droids simply wouldn’t go down; even if they took so many hits that they started to fall apart, they still somehow shambled on in a grotesque parody of their normal precise movement.

They had no choice but to keep running and hope that they could at least slow some of the droids down. She could hear the roar of the shuttle overhead, but the vegetation was too dense for Squeaky to pick them up. The Gamorrean’s indistinct, frantic squealing sounded from Reveth’s comlink.

“He said there’s a clearing about a klick southwest!” Reveth yelled.

It might as well be on the other side of the planet, Maree thought hopelessly. There were simply too many droids; they were advancing relentlessly, and the terrain was too hostile to cross it with any speed. Holy shit, we’re all going to die here.

Her mind darted to the holorecord of the field test—a kriffing gruesome euphemism for such carnage. It had been a complete massacre. The terrified screams of the commandos as the droids tore them to pieces; the spray of blood and viscera: the images were branded irrevocably in her memory. It was a horrific way to die, and they were about to find out firsthand. 

Panic clawed at her, closing her throat and making her shots go wild. Her legs felt sluggish, and her feet became unsteady, but Kix never let her fall, even as he fired ceaselessly at the pursuing droids.

“We’re almost there,” he grunted. “Keep running, sweetheart, you can do it.”

“Kix, go,” Ithano ordered. “Get her to the Stinger.”

“No!” Maree exclaimed. “We’re not leaving you!”

Kix ignored her protests, bending over and tossing her over his shoulder as he ran. His plastoid armor cut into her thighs and belly, and she squirmed to try to get away.

“Put me down! Go back!”

Kix ignored her and raced for the clearing where the shuttle hovered just above the ground, ready to take off as soon as the crew were safely aboard. He dropped Maree in the copilot seat and turned to Squeaky.

“Don’t let her follow me.”

He sprinted to the back of the shuttle and jumped out, making for the treeline.

“Kix!” she screamed, lurching out of her seat.

Squeaky didn’t hesitate. He thrust her back into the chair with a stern grunt, then secured the safety harness to make sure she didn’t try to run again. She could hear blaster fire and shouting outside the ship, and she tugged desperately at the harness. Squeaky grunted again to order her to take control of the ship, and he lumbered toward the rear hatch, blaster ready.

Her heart hammered as she took the controls. Please, please, please. The distraught prayer echoed in her mind, silently beseeching the Force. I can’t lose him. Not like this. She felt utterly helpless as the deafening roar of Squeaky’s blaster fire pounded through the ship. Mercifully, she soon heard the pounding of boots on durasteel, and then Ithano launched into the pilot’s seat and punched the controls, hurtling the shuttle away from the planet.

“Kix?” she asked frantically.

“I’m here,” he said, dropping to his knees next to Maree’s chair and wrapping his arms around her. “I’m here.”

“I’m here, too, thanks for askin’,” Reveth said as she flopped into her seat.

Kix stood and quickly released the safety harness, tugging Maree out of the chair and burying his face against her neck.

“Holy kark, I can’t believe we all made it out,” Reveth said. “I was sure Maree was toast.”

Maree laughed, and Kix glared at the Twi’lek. “Not kriffin’ funny.”

“It’s kinda funny,” Reveth insisted.

Kix shook his head and drew Maree out of the cockpit and back to the tiny med bay at the rear of the shuttle. “Med bay” was putting it generously; it was really just a bunk and a large emergency medkit, but it had everything he needed to treat her shoulder. He administered a stim shot, cleaned and redressed her wound, and removed the tourniquet. He worked efficiently, and she didn’t see any of the distress that had clouded his eyes back at the base—of course, they weren’t fending off a horde of unkillable zombie droids this time, either.

“What’s the verdict, doctor?” she asked with a tiny smile.

He stroked his fingers over her forearm gently. “You’ll live. Gonna have a kickass scar, too.”

“Will you kiss it better?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

He smiled wryly as he leaned in and pressed his lips softly against hers. “Don’t ever do that to me again.”

“I’ll do my best. At least I’m finally going to have an exciting story to tell Baba and Eema.”

His eyes widened. “Oh, kriff, your mothers are going to kill me!”

The Stinger docked with the Meson Martinet first, and Squeaky, Reveth, and Ithano disembarked, then Kix piloted the shuttle to his own ship, the Scorpion. Brenko and Brosna were waiting next to the airlock when Kix and Maree emerged from the shuttle.

“Well, did you find the B1.5s?” Brosna asked.

“Yeah,” Kix replied grimly.

“Ha!” Brosna laughed triumphantly. “Pay up, Captain!”

“You’re still acting captain,” Kix retorted. “Now get your ass back up to the bridge until I relieve you.”

“Wait, you’re not taking command right now?” Brosna asked.

“Nope,” Kix replied, dragging Maree to their quarters.

The door hissed shut behind them, and Kix slapped the control panel to lock it. He was on Maree instantly, devouring her in a searing kiss as he unzipped and pulled off her jacket, carefully avoiding the large bandage on her shoulder. Once he had her top removed, he dropped his mouth to her throat and kissed a trail of hot, open-mouthed kisses down her body as he knelt in front of her. 

His hands roved over her urgently, clutching her body close to him. She tangled her fingers in his hair as he tugged down her trousers, and then he plunged his tongue into her ravenously. Her body jerked, and she cried out, losing her balance. He caught her with ease, then pulled her toward the bed.

“Kix,” she panted. “Don’t you at least want to get naked?”

“I can’t wait,” he groaned. “Sit on my face.”

“Oh, fuck,” she gasped.

“I’m planning to,” he said, lying on his back. “On my face. Now.”

She knelt, hovering over his mouth, staring down into his eyes. He gazed back up at her, sliding his hands up her waist to cup her breasts, before dropping them to her thighs and yanking her body downward.

“Kriff!” she exclaimed as his tongue slid deeply into her cunt, then his lips closed around her clit.

He held her in place as he feasted on her, his groans vibrating against her sensitive flesh. The sensation was overwhelming. She writhed, nearly toppling over, then leaned back to brace her hands on his ribcage. He ate her like he was starving, like she was the last thing he would ever taste, and he fully intended to savor every drop.

“Kix—fuck—gods—” she moaned, her hips finding a subtle rhythm even as his strong hands gripped her, preventing her from moving more than a few centimeters.

He murmured quietly against her in between the kisses and licks and nibbles—soft, nearly inaudible whispers of fear and adoration and lust. “... taste so fucking good… love you so much… thought I was going to lose you… never letting go… so kriffin’ scared… want you so bad…”

He released her thigh and reached his hand around to massage her clit. All the muscles in her core began to tense as pleasure spooled tightly in her body, but her orgasm remained tantalizingly just out of reach. She leaned back, groping blindly for his cock. She fumbled with his belt and eventually just slid her hand beneath the waistband until she wrapped her fingers around his rigid shaft.

He grunted at the contact, his hips thrusting up off the mattress. His hand strayed away from her clit to press his palm flat against her lower belly, and pressure was exactly what she needed. She convulsed with a sob, and he redoubled his efforts, tongue-fucking her through her orgasm. Distantly, she felt the thrusting of his cock against her hand, and then a rush of hot, sticky cum on her fingers.

She crumpled to the bed, and he pulled her tightly against him, kissing the backs of her thighs as she slowly came back to herself. After a few moments, he shifted, curling up behind her, tucking his thighs behind her legs as he drew her body close to his and buried his face in her hair.

“I love you,” she murmured.

He kissed the side of her neck, just behind her ear, dragging his tongue slowly across her skin as he slid his hand up to play with her breast. “Love you. Never scare me like that again.”

She laughed quietly. “Aye, aye, Cap’n. What’s gotten into you, anyway? You were acting protective before we even left the Martinet.”

He lay silently for a moment, breathing in the scent of her hair, before he replied. “You’re late.”

She blinked. “What?”

“You’re… your cycle, it’s like clockwork. And—you’re late,” he said hoarsely.

She swallowed. “Oh.”

The original comic panel that inspired this story! This was from Star Wars Adventures Ashcan. Alas, this comic was never published, so I am once again filling in the gaps in canon.

ADDITIONAL CONTENT WARNING: mention of possible pregnancy.

#clone medic kix #post stasis kix #pirate kix #meson martinet #sidon ithano #reveth #oc: maree finnall #star wars #clone wars #star wars fanfiction #clone wars fanfic #martyrs and kings #dystopicjumpsuit writes #Spotify

[musicallisto]

and also happy birthday!!!

sending in a 🐚 + i’m bi, I like reading, writing, gaming and yoga, turn ons include pet names and receiving the princess treatment, turns offs include not sticking up for me and being messy

my fandoms from your list are bridgerton and red dead redemption💗💗

thanks so much for running this event it is soooo fun!!!<3

ohhh princess treatment, you say... let me introduce you to the absolute kings of making you feel like you are the very center of the world...

please... you know it had to be him. not only because I'm a strong supporter of the way you write him and think you are the authority on anything arthur morgan related, but also and most importantly because have you seen the way he tends his horse? how gently he talks to her when he strokes her mane? i'm thinking soooo many thoughts and none of them pure

not only that, but he is generally so caring (especially high honor!arthur, who's my personal canon interpretation of him) with those he loves and even strangers who sense the goodness in him. that energy would definitely translate into any romantic relationship, even though he'll need to get over a lot of self-doubt and self-esteem issues to make it work

in a modern AU you'd get him into yoga for sure. i can only imagine how tired and sore all those muscles are from all the hiking around the woods and fixing up stuff in your farmhouse and cutting up wood and—he needs a break, but not one where he feels too idle and therefore like he's wasting time, and especially not one where he can't be surrounded by nature. which is how you convince him to give yoga a try, on a fine dewy morning in your frontyard

he thinks it's a little stupid at first—"how's all that twistin' and bendin' supposed to make me feel better?"—but you're really persuasive and he doesn't mind the sight of you in your yoga clothes either, to be honest

he'd find it really relaxing and a surprisingly effective way to connect with nature and his surroundings, but he'd still groan a little for good measure because he doesn't want to admit you were right too easily. that, and also the poor man is NOT flexible and he is struggling.

pet names!!!!! so!!!! many!!!! pet names!!!! "darlin'" this and "sweetheart" that. "honey" and "princess" and "GOOD GIRL"?!?!,!?,,?? in that deep, southern voice of his? i need to lie down.

of course he'd stick up for you anytime you need it, and even when you don't. he pledges his loyalty to the people he loves, to the bitter end, so he'll always always defend you, even when you're a little bit wrong, lmao, but that's only because he's a beloved himbo and he thinks you're always right and so smart

also this is a little bonus—I considered mary-beth as well, because i think you too would be so so cute and actual real life ladies together &lt;3

ılı.lıllılı.ıllı.

now, if princess treatment had a name and a face... it would certainly bear a striking resemblance to that of benedict bridgerton.

the man is literally so smitten with you, there's nothing he wouldn't do to prove the depth of his affections. expect every grand gesture you've read about in the books; bouquets of your favorite flowers and countless portraits and blazing handwritten letters slipped into the secrecy of your gloved hand at balls.

anthony wonders why his younger brother looks so... miles away, like his whole being rather than just his head is in the clouds (more so than usual), and also why the family's expenses have skyrocketed all of a sudden... but violet discourages him from badgering benedict about it, because she's too elated that he's finally found a lady to seriously court, lol

since you're so well-read, and therefore spirited and quick, as well as artistic and creative, your conversations with benedict are as stimulating as they are witty... and that's not mentioning your correspondence. you could send each other letters back and forth every single day, were it not for decorum: it's already quite scandalous that an unwedded lord and lady are writing to each other personally, you're supposed to at least entertain your other suitors into thinking they have the ghost of a chance with you. which they don't, because it's clear as snow no one compares to benedict's bohemian soul.

it's true, however, that benedict can be quite... messy, asjdfjab, and he's thankful that it's him who visits you and not the other way around because he would Not want you to see the mess that is his studio. but you give him an incentive to start tidying up a little more! because you deserve only the best &lt;3

literally prince charming incarnate with the perfect dash of mystery and edginess to keep you on your toes. what else do I need to say

#— celebration; 1.5k! #— ask. #˚₊·͟͟͟͟͟͟͞͞͞͞͞͞➳❥ margo #rdr2 x reader #arthur morgan x reader #bridgerton x reader #benedict bridgerton x reader

[hooniblr]

wow, okay i read all three parts of the niki fic and damn... i love it so much! can i be added to the taglist please?

i love the charecterisations and their stories because you have given everyone some personality which i find helpful to get more immersed.

and the fact that you keep switching pov's at the exact moment of a conversation to show both sides, which helps show how misunderstandings develop is just genius...

and i have never related so much to anything like i have to heeseung and yn's friendship like... people always assume that a girl's guy bestfriend is in love with her, or the other way, or that they're dating, when in reality it's just two lonely souls finding comfort in each other.

i feel like people don't question it when two girl besties look at each other like that, but when it's a guy and girl, assumptions and allegations get thrown left and right smh... and they don't understand that look filled with love is not romantic at all, but stemming from pure adoration for a soul you respect and love so much (platonically)... i relate to this aspect on a very personal level because rumors and allegations along with poorly timed miscommunication ruined my friendship with my once most precious guy friend.

anyways, coming back to the fic, i just knew it was going to get messy when yura involved jealousy in the mix, like nothing good ever comes out of making people jealous. especially since her plans of making heeseung jealous keeps backfiring, all because heeseung does like her back, which was her goal in the first place!!

i also love how fleshed out yn's relationship with every charecter seems, like it's hard to provide connection with the side charecters especially if they don't appear often. it's easy to forget about them and make readers forget too...so what you did seems very realistic, because random things do remind us of people we know at times, which is how you went about showing us (like yn thinking of her brother during her panic attack)

and i also feel bad for sunghoon but i don't like how he's acting here at the same time...wonder what happened...

anyways that's all i wanted to say! sorry if the long ask is annoying, but i just had a lot to say about the fic, because it's so well written... so excited for the next part!!

AHHH I’M SO GLAD YOU LIKE THE SERIES TYSM FOR LIKING IT AND OFC I’LL ADD YOU TO THE TAGLIST! ❤️

also i’m glad you noticed!! i’m trying really hard to make sure they feel a little more real and not just like side characters!

and not you calling me a genius (sort of) 🤭🤭🤭 tbh i think it’s the best way to make everyone see how the other characters misunderstand and not just reader. to see you’re into it makes me just shshljjkhsgehs

YESS!!! no one ever can just let a guy and a girl be friends without implying one of them might feel more for the other. it’s actually pretty sad, and i’m sorry that happened to you :( gonna be exploring that and what it means for reader and hee’s friendship as the story goes on!

lol yea… yura is lowkey messy for that, but she means well! tbh the jealousy thing is just gonna be more of a hinderance than anything, she hasn’t realized that yet tho 😬 also the idiots to lovers thing she has going with heeseung is highkey gonna cause a lot of problems, but we’re here for the messiness!!

🥲 omg glad u noticed bc i know it’s easy to forget about the side characters, but to me they’re just as important as out main couple!! they’re what’s going to bring this story together so i appreciate u noticing that <333

and our boy hoonie is acting up because he has a lot to make up for. he’s a sweetheart that’s going about everything the wrong way. it’ll make more sense as the story progresses!

also I DON’T MIND AT ALL!! this is my first time getting a long ask but it was so fun talking about the universe I created!! you can send me long asks any time you want!! i’m so happy you’re liking the fic and i hope you like the next part!! <333

#this honestly made my day #i reread this like 5 times tbh #smiling so goofy rn #minhypenalt #letterbox

[thirteenemeraldcats]

I come bearing random fic asks! 1) tell us about your current wip(s)! 2) what's your writing process like? 3) I think you mentioned you have a background in psychology — how much does that influence your writing?

Hello my beautiful friend!!

Thank you so much for sending me these! I have been sitting on this for days because I wanted to banish 'thought that i was young' from my WIPs before answering lol

1.) Now that THAT'S published (and taken most of my WIP wordcount with it *sad violin noises*) there's 3 fics I'm actively poking at, the chunkiest is a Sam-and-Jamie-BFFS-agenda-6-conversations-they-might-have-had-and-one-they-definitely-didn't which I'm pretty sure I've posted a snip of SOMEWHERE before whoops. The working title was too long for me to cope with, to the extent that it managed to override my inability to make my mind up about anything, and is now called 'i said, maybe' - a line I've gleefully pinched from Wonderwall by Oasis! I like it for this fic because *gestures at working title* BUT ALSO Wonderwall is the song Sam sings at karaoke in 1x07 'Make Rebecca Great Again' and the Manchester connection tickles me greatly!

There's a non-angsty, short-ish (I'm honestly shocked) fic that fell out of my brain nearly fully formed a couple of weeks ago (because almost everyone I knew was either talking about or having birthdays) which ALSO has a title 'because he had no say in it (no say in it at all)', which is almost definitely going to be posted next (and hopefully a LOT sooner than the time-space between 'i learned to walk while he was away' and 'thought that i was young').

The only other thing I'm actively poking at right now is in the outline stage, it is also short-ish (please PLEASE stay that way) but is back to the angst-fest that is apparently all my brain wants to spit out. It's Jamie-centric. It involves a cat :)

2.) Honestly at this point my writing process is best described as:

(sound warning)

ANYWAY

(My actual answer about my writing process is that I love planning. Very much. Stretching the dough into spaghetti is where the problem lies 🫠)

3.) I do indeed have a background in Psychology! Like any undiagnosed-in-denial-17-year-old-DUMBASS, I studied Psych right out of high school due to a combined and truly harebrained motivation of 'what IS going on up there' and 'wow I love systematically studying, analysing and mimicking human behaviour [no underlying NOTHING going on up there no siree]' and wound up with a four year degree. NOW, my background is purely theoretical, I have never been registered as/worked as a Psychologist, so I'm not violating any ethical codes by using my knowledge for evil applying my Psych training to fictional stories/characters. Because the answer to 'how much does that influence your writing' is. SO MUCH. Not necessarily intentionally, there's only one fic in the extended-mountainous-WIP-pile that's explicit about Psych stuff (I'm giving Dani Seasonal Affective Disorder whoops), but psychology is one of those fields that once you're trained in it you can't really ever un-know it. Unfortunately for me, and everyone that I meet, there's forever a predisposing/precipitating/perpetuating/protective biopsychosocial model being drawn up in my head whenever someone exhibits any kind of behaviour my forebrain finds moderately interesting. (This doesn't happen with online friends DON'T WORRY [in truth it's only because I can't physically see you all- I AM SO SORRY- I am not in control of this]).

Honestly, I think a big part of it is just that my particular brand of pattern-recognition-AuDHD has been granted auto-inserted citations and gone mad with power.

Take Jamie, beloved stress ball that he is, he has so much psycho-analysis potential that I'm forever torn between wanting to write a dissertation on the various comorbidities that could be floating around in that guy's head, having a Watsonian v Doylist argument with myself about ~artistic intentions~, having to suspend disbelief for the sake of storytelling because I've been cursed with knowledge (gleefully and enthusiastically sought out and paid for knowledge) and just wanting to enjoy the story/character as they're presented/as I'm writing it.

Applying actual Psychology to fictional characters is like trying to tie a balloon to a moving rollercoaster, for the simple fact that they're not real; their actions and motivations and reactions are scripted and rehearsed and performed.

I'm doing it anyway :)

#I do think the nature of characters is fascinating #they're a culmination of several peoples' interpretations/representations of human behaviour #in a not dissimilar way that people are typically a reflection of the immediate people around them #characters are shaped by layers of humans reflecting on layers of human reflection #storytelling is cool #humans are cool (mostly) #homer's the odyssey is used by classicists to ascertain the established ideals of human behaviour from over 2000 years ago #I JUST THINK IT'S NEAT #you've unlocked a word ramble my dear friend i am SO SORRY #THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR SENDING ME THIS #(part of why i love teaching is having a room full of captives that have to listen to me) #(one of my kids last year accidentally unlocked a 20 minute long info dump about the challenger disaster) #(the class was on false memories so it was MOSTLY relevant) #writing tag #ask box is always open #the-sea-anemone #kvetchinglyneurotic

[green-lotus]

Headcanons for how the bros would react during/after the first fight with their partner? I’m feeling extra angsty today 🫠

I can't write lol

But! I tried

This came out way longer than I expected, and it turned more into a general description of a disagreement, but I felt that giving some context to the situation would make the whole thing more realistic. Hope it'll be alright to the person asking

So sorry if Donnie & Mikey parts are off key or out of character! I don't yet feel nearly as confident writing about those two as I do in Raph's or occasionally Leo's case, but I decided to give it a go anyway

Raphael

• It wasn't literally anything important that started it. Some most minor stuff about cleaning or putting something back on its spot. And it never happened before, Raph held his temper in check around you, he wanted so badly to make a better impression on you then as the aggressive meathead he too often came across as

• But he just forgot himself. He forgot that you're you, and not one of his brothers, you were both so comfortable around each other after more than a year in a solid relationship it sometimes would slip his mind that you're someone special

• And as you both threw shorter and shorter and more pinching remarks at each other, he just lost it and abruptly jumping to you, yelled over your voice, sending the nearest pile of cans flying towards the wall with one movement of his arm... And his hand flew dangerously closed to your face

• But since you were never a meek sort yourself - you pushed him away instantly, at least as much as you were able to, and screamed back at him, even louder

• Silence fell immediately, and you could both almost hear each other's hearts pounding

• You were scared. Just a bit, but even so. Raph the others knew threw tantrums like that constantly, but your Raph? He never did that. You always assumed a day like that will come, but it still wasn't any less unpleasant. You know he would never lay a hand you and all of that was accidental, but even so... Six inches and you may have been slapped

• You were staring him straight in the eyes, lips squeezed together, breathing heavily, furious, but already feeling the tension slipping off your body, a good sign

• Raph? Raph was only getting worse, terrified, his eyes changed immediately after he realised what he just did

• And now he was an image of pure misery. So confused and so ashamed, and with absolutely no idea how to express it

• He moved his lips, but made no sound; you composed yourself, ready to talk normally, but then he broke, shook his head as if trying to apologises, turned from you and ran away like a beaten dog

• You remained on the spot and took care to calm yourself first.

• He wouldn't seek you out first out of shame, and you knew that.

• So when you felt ready, you found him, pouring all his tension and unresolved emotions onto the punching bag as always, and the moment he spotted you he froze.

• You nodded, just to signal him you weren't angry any longer, but didn't say anything more. And after you have him the peaceful space, words came pouring out of his mind.

• "Y/n... I... I... Eeeeh... Baby, i'm so sorry. You know... You know I would never, ever hurt ya, ya know... I..." He looked into your eyes, his own still so uncertain. "You... Believe me, right? Tell me... You believe me, I don't deserve it maybe, but... Please..."

• You smirked and reached to his face, and took his head in your arms, telling him that you believe him and that all couples fight eventually, and your first one was still remarkably short and quickly resolved. As he leaned into you, you could feel his breath slowing down and all the tension releasing from his muscles. He chuckled into your neck

• "Thanks... Hey, but, next time I go off the range like that... Just throw something at me, will ya? Whatever's close to your hand"

• "Like this shit?" You picked the smallest weight you could find from the weight bar, and still could barely hold it up for a moment.

• Raph snorted. "Oh yeah. Will do"

Leonardo

• Congratulations! You found some subject on which you and Leo don't agree on, and neither of you are willing to back down, standing your ground firmly as always

• That's why you're so strongly drawn to each other anyway, and why you feel so right at each other's side...but this was just waiting to happen

• So the discussion kept heating up, until one of you eventually stood up and decided to raise your voice, and the other responded with the same thing, subconsciously refusing to be overruled

• Leo was astounded. You haven't met or got together yesterday, but still, he never before experienced the situation in which you annoyed him so. You were always his equal & partner, and now... He was just so damn pissed going over the same thing over and over again when talking, he never felt so badly out of touch with you, it was terrifying. He could argue with his brothers, but you were something else... What if that's a sign things are not working out between you? What if this wasn't right? What if he was doing something wrong?

• His anger quickly passed, or more likely, turned into confusion, and you couldn't not notice that

• "Leo... Leo, for fuck's sake, talk to me! What is it? What did I say?"

• "It's not..." He wanted to say something, but didn't really know what. "It's not you, it's... It's me. Excuse me" His voice was cold and static, but shy

• He tried to storm off, but you knew him too well by now and knew that him escaping an unresolved situation is never a good sign for anyone involved, so you grabbed his arm and walked over to him

• "No no no no, no, i'm not doing that. Just say what you want, i'm not gonna change my mind, but just say it, would you?"

• Leo took a deep breath.

• Initially, he wanted to just spit out the most trivial, obvious explanation and carry on. He didn't have strength to deal with anyone so steadfastly set in their opiniom

• But then... He realised... It was you, hell, it was you he was talking about, his woman, his beloved person. Why was he acting so stupid on purpose?

• He really didn't want to think about the fact he MIGHT be doing it on purpose

• He lowered his eyes and hunched slightly, letting his guard down

• "Listen, I guess... I just never thought we could really argue. I know it's inevitable in a couple, but you..." He took your hands in his and cradled them for a moment. "You are... So special to me. I didn't WANT to argue. But it still... Happened."

• "Uh - huh"

• "Uhu?! You don't have anything ... Else to say? We were just at each other's throats, it shouldn't have happened"

• "Were we?"

• "It felt like that to me."

• "Yeah. And now we're not. You could say we're past our first official couple fallout. How triumphant is that, sensei?"

• Leo capitutaled and chuckled. This one half - ironic, half - affectionate nickname always got through to him

• "Very. I'm proud of us, love"

• You embraced each other, but even so, he whispered in your ear softly: "you're still such a knucklehead... sometimes, i guess"

• "Yeah, that's fine. Love you too"

Michelangelo

• It took an unhuman amount of patience & extravagance to deal & exist with Mikey on a daily basis. And you were always more than happy to provide that. No one could ever quite keep up with YOU either, so

• But this one time, even your temper ran short.

• You would most often accompany Mikey in every not really reasonable venture he came up with. Going above ground to join a dress - up parade? Strolling through the city roofs in broad daylight and avoiding all sight? Got it, you were never the one to hold him back, and Mikey fell deeper in love with you every single time

• Until this one time.

• He just kept on fooling around, in the least suitable moment. Brothers were stressed, Leo needed peace & quiet after some serious talk with Splinter and Mikey didn't seem to notice that fact at all, and you had a really, really rough day and the last thing you were in the mood for were his wild ideas

• "Mikey, jesus, just shut up for a second, would you? Could you do that?"

• He looked at you, astounded, but not quite catching on the mood of the situation

• "Hey, my baby, what is it? Did those crabs get you down behind my shell? You need some special Michelangelo treatment?"

• If he corrected himself now perhaps you wouldn't have lashed out - but you simply couldn't take it anymore

• "No! Just shut up, Mikey, shut it! I'm tired, i'm sad, i can't deal with you!"

• Mikey stared at you with his blue eyes, utterly confused. He was clueless - what happened to you? You never acted like that in response to him, especially when he was acting out his very best for your smile & laughter

• "What do you mean? Baby doll, what do you want? What's wrong?"

• "Nothing, just... Mikey, i'm tired of you"

• That maybe wasn't the best choice of words, but there was no other right now

• "You're tired of me? How can you say that? You only just got here, i'm trying to cheer you up, i'm doing my best for you, angelcakes!"

• What you said hurt him more than he would have thought

• He had such a perfect partner in you. Always

• You didn't patronise him, didn't treat him like the younger, less serious one, he didn't have to hold back one bit, didn't need to overcompensate for any of his shortcomings with some extra acts, you were 200% on his ride and he would never think you can get tired of his behavior, what the hell happened? Did he do something wrong? Did you grow out of loving his dazzling personality and temper?

• No fucking way, no, it couldn't be

• "Angelcakes! Sugar plum! What's going on?" He grabbed you suddenly, feeling all his insecurities rising in his throat; but since you haven't calmed down just yet, you shook his hands off and stepped away, and that was somehow even worse

• How was he supposed to explain anything and talk and possibly even argue, not having hugged you in the first place, without showing how much he loved you first?

• "What are you doing?!" He shouted. "Don't you like me anymore? I'm trying my best here babygirl, don't do this to me! I love you!"

• A gulp in his throat was getting bigger and bigger

• "Don't you love my anymore?"

• He was overwhelming you. Quite a new sensation

• "Of course I do, Mikey, just... Give ma a second, alright? Give me some time? Leave me alone for a moment? Please?"

• At least she said that.

• Mikey wasn't stupid. He saw reason, he saw now how agitated you were. He should have noticed that sooner... And he wanted with all of his being to cheer you up, make you smile, but still, what you said... It hurt him. He knew he should have acted differently, but that burn inside him wasn't going away

• "Alright!" He exclaimed, raising his arms. "Alright! I get it! You wanna be alone angelcakes, you got it, i'm leaving! It's fine! All good!"

• That were the best words he could find that sounded right in between supportive & accepting and angry & obscene.

• He felt your gaze at his shell as he was backing away. Suddenly he felt like... crying. Why did he have to go through anything unpleasant with his beloved, sweetest dollcake? Why?

• And before he went too far, he collapsed on the stairs and realised he was snuffling and his eyes were wet.

• And despite what just happened between you two, you couldn't look at him like that. More calm now, you went to him and embraced him from behind, and you didn't have to see his face to know how happy he suddenly was

• "Hey, cupcake... I'm sorry, i know what you meant"

• "Yeah... Me too."

Donatello

• "But you don't! You don't know anything about it, you don't even know basic commands, just stop talking, it all sounds idiotic!"

• Right after saying that, Donnie realised... He maybe shouldn't have. Or should have done it more... Carefully.

• He certainly didn't want to insult you. Never. He had do much respect & love for everything you were & everything you said.

• But... You didn't know anything about what you were saying. It was his area of expertise... Wasn't it? He WAS in the right, factually. Was it impolite to point that out? Or to call things what they were?

• Yea... It was. Even without seeing your face... He knew he should have acted IT all out very differently

• A sudden panic took over him. Why, why did he have to say that...

• "Hey, hey, that's not what I meant, i mean... I mean i did mean that, but not like that, it's just i was right and..."

• He was only sinking deeper, words were twisting in his mouth, between stress and desire to make things right

• He gave up on trying to say anything else, and just sat down, desperately thinking what was he supposed to do now

• You stared at him in silence. It wasn't much of an insult what he said, it wasn't even that unpleasant, but just something about the way he said it and the dismissiveness in his voice... It wouldn't let you forget. It worried you, you've never seen your Donnie so... full of himself and so overconfident, he was right, you didn't know much about what you were discussing, but to say it like that?

• As neither of you could really come up with anything clever to explain your standing point, you considered running off, but what would be the point of that? It wouldn't solve anything

• And you knew Donnie thought the same - his gaze lingered at the far corner of the room, but then, it came back to you

• So you decided it would be best to do the same - and even if you weren't feeling quite ready to start the conversation again, you sat on the floor next to your purple turtle, staring into the nearest wall

• And you sat there for quite some time, without a word

• Until finally, you felt Donnie's hand gently slipping onto yours. You turned your head, only to meet his eyes, full of uncertainty

• "Emmm... I'm sorry if I... Hurt you"

• "No, it's not that"

• "Really?" Surprise in his voice almost made you laugh. "Then... What is?"

• "I mean... Donnie, i'm not as knowledgeable as you, not by half, but do you have to say it like that? I'm really trying to catch up to you in every conversation we have..."

• Donnie felt a tender pulse of heat somewhere inside him. "Do you? I mean!..."

• "Yeah."

• "That's..." You glanced at him again, and realised he was smiling. "That's... So wonderful of you"

• You opened your mouth, but Donnie, this time, was quicker

• "Then I promise... No, I promise you anyway, with extra consideration for that fact... That i'll never overlook that again"

• None of you were best at words to choose when dealing with emotions, but you knew each other well enough to know what the other is trying to express. You smirked

• "Fair enough. I promise to never say anything idiotic"

• Abrupt change in his expression was way too amusing. "No no, don't say that, that's exactly the opposite of what i was trying..."

• You placed a small peck on his arm. "I know. It's alright"

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #tmnt 2014 #tmnt 2016 #tmnt bayverse #bayverse #bayverse tmnt #bayverse turtles #tmnt headcannons #tmnt headcanons #tmnt asks #tmnt raph #tmnt raphael #tmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #tmnt mikey #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt donnie #tmnt donatello #tmnt scenarios

[the-cookie-of-doom]

🥺🎯👀✅

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels?

Any type of brotherly bonding, with any of the KP brothers ;_; I'm a middle child and I don't have a good relationship with either of my brothers, so that always gets to me. As for good feels, I love it when Kim is allowed to just be a kid, and for he and Chay to interact as friends, not just boyfriends. Everything about their relationship is so intense all the time, I love it when they get to goof off and play videogames and just enjoy each other's time. Kim is younger than me! He's a baby!

🎯 Have any of your readers accurately guessed major plot points? Care to share which?

Yes they have. Unfortunately, outside of Out of the Shadows, I don't have any plot-heavy fics posted, and that one is still in the set-up stage, so there's no real plot to guess on. But back in my teen wolf days, I remember getting so excited whenever someone would predict the plot for Estranged. I legit kept track of users and would dedicate chapters to them when we got to the reveals that they guessed.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please!

wouldn't you like to know 👀 Idk what to talk about that 1. you don't already know, and 2. that I haven't already gushed about on here. Bc! I! am a wordy bitch! In need of constant validation! Hmmm. I will say... I do have that AU based on the Dum Dum unchained BTS. I've hit somewhat of a block on it so idk when I'll get it finished and posted, but that one is heating up! Kim is nearly-feral and mostly nonverbal after being... kind of trafficked? For a while?? He was kidnapped to use as leverage against his father, however by that point has just left the family, and is no longer useful/wanted. Letting him go was never an option, especially since Korn refused to trade, that would show weakness. And it would be a waste just to kill him... so. Bad times are had. But it's alright, Chay has a thing for lost and wounded strays, he's all too happy to take care of Kim. Too bad Kim can't trust him enough to let him. I also have a PWP cropping up that just needs a few finishing touches. Nothing dramatic there, just a KimChay sex scene instead of their very adorable couch cuddles.

✅ What's something that appears in your fics over and over and over again, even if you don't mean to?

Depression. I have no idea, I've suddenly forgotten anything I've ever written. No but really, when it comes to long fics, I think I almost always write a nightmare/comfort scene. They're just *clenches fist* so good. Oh, and I'm incapable of writing something purely happy/fluffy. I always wind up working some angst in there somewhere lol . I've given up and accepted my fate

Send me a fic writer ask!

#cookie speaks #thank you friend <3

[nobodynobodyno]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

tagged by @lamonnaie, meme created by @fiercynn

Thank you so much for the tag, I love this idea! 💛

note: i consider "fanworks" to pretty much everything people create related to a fandom, including but not limited to meta/analysis/discussion, gifs, fanvids/edits/fancams, filk, fanart, fanfic, fan food, fan crafts, etc. please include this note with the meme unless you have a different definition!

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

Hi! I'm Diana, I use she/her pronouns, I'm in my early twenties and I love reading and writing fics 😁

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

I started watching right before the finale aired, I think. I binged the whole thing and then watched episode 12 shortly after! But I only joined the fandom later, after a rewatch that made me see the show in a different light.

favorite ship(s) Pat/Pran, Ink/Pa, Wai/Korn, I love them all 🙈

favorite character(s) Pat and Pran

Pran because I relate to him and Pat because... I mean, he's perfect? Isn't he?

favorite episode(s) This one is hard, probably episode 5 when we switched to Pat's pov because I love how he wasted no time confessing to Pran after learning how he felt about him, and also episode 10 because it has my favourite scene in the whole show, will get to that one in a minute

favorite scene(s)  The scene where Pran breaks down in Pat's arms on the rooftop 😭 That's actually the scene that got me into this show, a friend showed it to me and I was like, I have to watch this now! And I did, and ugh, I love how they're both hurting so much but Pat is trying to be strong for Pran and how Pran is being vulnerable with Pat for the first time in their relationship (probably) I love all of that! An honorable mention would be the scene in episode 4 where Pran starts crying after Pat tells him that he likes Ink (Can you tell I love angst?) And of course, the kiss, but everyone has already talked about the kiss.

one thing you would change about the show if you could

The fact that Pran apologised to Wai after Wai outed them in front of the whole school, like excuse me? And also the whole Pat-getting-shot-with-a-tiny-gun plot, which is a consequence of the Wai thing because they needed to redeem Wai, I guess, and I didn't like any of that, lol.

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people

There are so many fics I love but I am going to resume to 5 in no particular order:

once more to see you by maywitherspoon where Pat finds a way to contact Pran before they start university and thus get reunited sooner, and let me tell you, it's amazing!

breathe by concerningcardigancollection where Pran is allergic to peanuts and almost dies, I love hurt/comfort fics and I love the way Pat is written here!

Cruel Summer by Frosche, Lothewriterofstories this one is pure pain. But I love pain, and it's a beautiful kind of pain, so definitely worth reading!

you can hear it in the silence by threewontons I call this the baby shark fic in my mind, it's a lovely soulmate au set in a world where soulmates can hear the songs the other person is listening to. I think it's such a unique take on soulmate aus and I love it!

don't go wasting your emotion by fiercynn a canon divergence au where Pat sees Pran crying in episode 4, I love canon divergence aus and this one is so sweet!

I also looove @kornswasianguyswag's fanart! Go send them some love!

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

This is my ao3 account, I've written quite a few fics for bad buddy, I don't know if I could pick a favourite one 🤔 maybe this one because it's inspired by "Love, Rosie" and that movie is very dear to me. I'm also having a lot of fun writing my current wip where they are strangers and Pran is trying to seduce Pat is order to get revenge for his friends 🤭

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)

Again, I have so many... every song I listen to makes me think of bbs, lol

Can I say Tilly Birds - คิด(แต่ไม่)ถึง (Same Page?) ? It wasn't in the show, it was in the mock trailer! And it always makes me think of them. And also Mitski - Francis Forever, it's like it was written by Pran during the years they were apart!

idk anything else you want us to know?

I'd love to make more bbs friends, so don't hesitate to dm me! 😁

I am going to tag @dropthedemiurge, @catboyjosten @feralmuskyscentedhoepran @non-binarypal7 and anyone else who sees this and wants to do it!

#tagged in #tag game #d rambles #bad buddy #thai dramas

[kodared]

Meet the Writer! ✨

Request rules / MASTERLIST /

OTHER SOCIALS

below! ⬇️

☆MasterList!

Welcome Home Neighbour can be found by the tag #welcome home neighbor! on my profile <3

☆ My Request and Oneshot Rules!

Hi, im Koda [All Pronouns]! I run this Tumblr to fulfill your Requests in between my Ao3 Updates! - I guess now is as good of a time as any to post my Rules and general Guidelines with these! ʕง•ᴥ•ʔง

What i am NOT comfortable with! ʕ； •`ᴥ•´ʔ

✦ Self Harm OR Deep descriptions of Eating Disorders

‒ For the same reasons as stated before i am just uncomfortable with these two things!

--------------------

What i AM Comfortable with! ᕦʕ •ᴥ•ʔᕤ

✧ Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Comfort, Etc.

‒ I really enjoy writing Hurt/Comfort or Angst! It's one of the things that hooked me into writing, so I'm good with these!

✧ Are you writing for "__"?

‒ If it is on my Ao3 Definitely Yes!!! As of now, I am writing for,

Stanley Parable, Welcome Home, One Punch, Security Breach, COD, Baldurs gate 3!

This list may change as new hyper fixations come up, if your curious be sure to check my Bio for updates!

✧SOME NSFW Oneshots.

- I will very rarely write these, so please don’t send a whole bunch of asks for them! I enjoy writing NSFW when it’s what i want to write, i’m not super taking requests for this at the moment. But i am comfortable writing it!

--------------------

Don't be afraid to comment on my posts either! I LOVEE Interaction! And i will gladly talk to you about anything, thank you for reading and i hope to write for you soon!!

✩Koda Out! ʕง•ᴥ•ʔง

P.S! I write at my own pace! Sometimes i take longer to push out a update, dont be alarmed! I prioritize my own personal life over writing :]

——————-

Other Socials! 🐾

- I ALSO ASK IF YOU WISH TO FOLLOW ME ON MY OTHER SOCIALS PLEASE BE 18+ IF SAID ON THE ACCOUNT! IF I SEE YOURE UNDERAGE YOU WILL BE BLOCKED ON SIGHT!

-✰ Twitter ! - NSFW- @xXPuppypilledXx 🔞

-✰ SFW Twitter! @/Ssuzyisabella

- ✰ Instagram! - @/Ssuzyisabella

- ✰ Ao3! - @/KodaRed

#koda moments #other socials

[fr3sh-tragedies]

Obsessed

[Arcane] Yandere! Jinx x Fem! Reader

Word count: 1.9k

Content Warnings: Small amount of cursing, implied violence, obsessive/toxic personality/relationship, stalking

[A/N]: This is my first time posting a story on this site, so please bear with me if the formatting is a little weird. I’ll try to edit it later to make it easier to read, lol.

Enjoy!

    Even though they were hundreds of feet above the water and bridge beneath them, that wasn't what was causing [Y/N]'s anxiety. She had been up here before, multiple times in fact, with her "friend" Jinx. They always came up here to relax and spend time together, just talking and sharing jokes or their favorite moments from their day. It had been so normal for so long, but recently Jinx had begun to make the conversation a little strange. They'd crack jokes with each other for a while, but then when they started talking about their day, Jinx would make an effort to ask about [Y/N]'s first. And when it was her turn to share, all she ever talked about was spending time with the [h/c] girl. In all honesty, it was making [Y/N] uncomfortable. Why was Jinx being so adamant about talking about her? She wasn't anything special. She was just a friend–a coworker–an assistant. Could she possibly be...? No, that was crazy. [Y/N] didn't even like her that way, why would she feel that way about her?

    And oh, how badly Jinx wanted to let her know that wasn't true. She had brought her up here to confess anyway, so she figured she could come clean about everything.

Well, not everything. Some things are better left unsaid.

    For example, she probably shouldn't tell her about how she stalked her over the past few months. Ever since she met the [h/c] girl–by total accident–she was hooked. In love. Obsessed. She just couldn't let her walk out of her life the way everyone else had done. So, in order to show her love before getting too serious (to not scare her off), she started sending gifts to [Y/N] and leaving little notes with words of pure affirmation. 'You may not know me personally quite yet, but I have to let you know that you're forever mine." "Since the day I met you, my life has never been the same." "You're my dream girl. Once we meet, you'll never be able to leave me." "I dream about you every night. I'm obsessed with you." Just short phrases that got her point across. Until one day, she sent a full letter.

    "Hey toots,

    I'd ask how you're doing today, but I already know. I've been keeping close tabs on you, but it's nothing weird, I promise. Just wanna make sure you're safe and aren't struggling. I'm sure by now you've noticed all the gifts landing on your doorstep. Some of them anyway. The blankets and stuff I left on your bed. Oh, and don't worry about how I got in. I promise I would never steal from you. I'll cut to the chase here. Silco is searching for new recruits, and I suggested you as my lab assistant! He said he's gotta meet you before he makes any big decisions or whatever, so you'd better get your cute little butt over here for an interview! Can't wait to see ya!

        -Jinx"

    [Y/N] didn't take up on her offer right away. After all, Jinx and Silco were known to be ruthless when it came to their employees. And, even though she hated living here in the undercity, she certainly didn't want to die for making a small mistake and accidentally upsetting them. Each day, Jinx came into Silco's office and asked if a certain [h/c] girl had come in for an interview, only to feel crushed when told that, no, no one had come in that matched her description. Enraged that [Y/N] hadn't listened to her, Jinx's stalking became more aggressive. Instead of only finding her in public places like The Last Drop, she followed her around almost everywhere she went. From the moment she left her house, [Y/N] had a very infatuated blue-haired girl trailing after her just a few meters behind.

    After a couple of days, Jinx even found herself watching through the window of [Y/N]'s house until she could see that she was asleep and safe. She knew what the girl was doing every day. What she ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, what time she went to work, who she talked to, everything. She made a mental list of all the men and women who even remotely appeared to be flirting with her and made sure they'd never be able to interfere with her again. To her, everyone else was competition for [Y/N]'s love. Finally, after growing tired of this, Jinx sent her another note that simply said:

    "I won't ask again. You will be my partner. Show up at Silco's office and tell him I sent you, or you'll regret ignoring me."

    Once remembering exactly what Jinx was capable of, [Y/N] finally gave in and got herself an interview at Silco's office, afraid she might not have much longer to live if she didn't. Little did she know, a certain admirer of hers was watching from the platform on the ceiling. After a while of talking–and silent, pleading glares from Jinx–Silco agreed to give [Y/N] an opportunity to work for him. But only on the condition that she follow his every order–one of which was to obey Jinx when in the lab. Over the next few weeks, Jinx managed to grow closer to the girl, seemingly not realizing–possibly due to her delusions– that [Y/N] had absolutely no interest in being friends with her. She ignored the voices warning her to back off.

    After a while of working on countless projects together, Jinx finally managed to steel her nerves and send [Y/N] yet another letter. This time, she asked her to meet her in their usual spot, which is where they were now: standing on the scaffolding above the bridge in the city. It was near midnight. Jinx figured that with how late it was, there would be a very low chance of someone ruining the moment. Not that it would matter–she'd easily take care of it, though she'd feel slightly regretful for it. In the time she had gotten to know [Y/N], she had killed plenty of people who went against her or Silco's wishes. Some of which took place in front of the [h/c] girl. When she'd look back at [Y/N] to make sure she was okay, she could see the horror in her eyes. Oh, how she hated causing that look. She wanted her to be happy! Not scared!

    "[Y/N], I gotta be honest with you. You make me so damn happy. I know we barely met a few months ago, but you're my whole world, toots. I...I love you, and I wanna make you happy. You deserve everything you've ever wanted, and with how well Silco provides for me, I can assure you I'd make you the happiest girl in the world. You're just so beautiful and kind, and...you deserve someone who will protect you at all costs. Even though you might not believe it, I will do whatever I can to keep you safe." She pauses, sucking in a deep breath. "So whaddya say? Do you love me too?"

    [Y/N] stared in slight shock, not expecting this. She had told herself it was a possibility, but shut that thought down real quick. She didn't love her back. She couldn't–not after everything she had done. She blinked, meeting Jinx's gaze again, who was staring back expectantly. Jinx was hoping, praying, that her feelings would be reciprocated. Her head was tilted to the side, a faint blush dusting her cheeks and creeping up to her ears as she nervously chewed on her bottom lip. She was very fidgety. Her hands were twitching and fiddling with her loose strands of hair, occasionally popping her knuckles, her leg bouncing. It was visibly obvious that whatever [Y/N] said in reply would control her next move.

    [Y/N]'s mouth opened and shut a few times, unsure of what to say. She couldn't form the right words. How could she let her down easily? Should she even let her down? Would other people get hurt because of her decision? She internally sighed. She couldn't risk others getting hurt for her sake, even if she knew they were horrible people. If it meant no one would get hurt for her sake, [Y/N] was willing to sacrifice her freedom. She looked down at the bridge below. Trying to give herself a moment to put on a convincing act, she watched the small, colorful dots that were people. If she didn't pull off her act successfully, anyone down there could be Jinx's next victim.

    She finally looked back up at Jinx with a smile, which made the girl's eyes light up. "Of course I do, Jinx." Jinx smiled, but it quickly dropped after a moment of faltering. "Say it." Her tone was unusually cold towards her. [Y/N] raised an eyebrow, tilting her head. "What? Say what?" "Tell me you love me. I need to hear you say it to believe it." The [h/c] girl froze, a nervous bead of cold sweat forming on the back of her neck. "I-I..." As she struggled to "admit" her feelings, Jinx's gaze hardened, her brows furrowing tightly together. "Say it." [Y/N] swallowed the lump in her throat. 'Say it, or she'll kill you.' Forcing that smile again that didn't quite reach her eyes, [Y/N] grabbed Jinx's hand and gave it a soft squeeze. "I love you, Jinx."

    Jinx didn't say anything for a moment–didn't even have the slightest visible reaction. Her eyes flickered around the girl’s face in search of any sign of a lie. Finally, as if the words barely processed in her mind, a large grin broke out across her lips in an almost menacing manner. "Oh, sweets, you make me so happy." Without any warning, she cupped the [h/c] girl's face and closed the distance between them with a kiss that was a little too rough to be considered sincere. [Y/N] didn't even have a chance to react before Jinx leaned back and pulled her in by the waist for a tight hug. Her slender hand came up, long painted nails entangling themselves into the [h/c] locks she had ached to caress for months. "I love you so much, [Y/N]. You have no idea what I'd do for you." [Y/N] swallowed. She did know. She had seen it right before her eyes more than once. She knew that Jinx wouldn't hesitate to kill for her, even if she begged her not to.

    She was brought out of her thoughts as Jinx's hold on her waist tightened to a painful degree. "Why aren't you hugging me back?" Again, her tone was cold. [Y/N] jumped slightly and quickly returned her embrace. Jinx relaxed slightly in her hold, slowly beginning to sway the two of them side to side. Her nose buried itself into the crook of [Y/N]'s neck. She drew in a deep breath, seeming to take in the [h/c] girl's scent. Oh, that intoxicating scent of hers...so comforting. So...addicting.

    How she longed for this moment–this close contact. All those weeks of spending time with her and getting to know her interests and hobbies finally paid off. Here she was–holding her after finding that her feelings were mutual. This was the girl she wanted to spend the rest of her days with. She wanted to marry her and keep her happy until the day they died. And never again would Jinx tolerate anyone flirting with [Y/N]--not that she ever did. [Y/N] was hers.

Her heart fluttered at that thought. It repeated itself over and over again in her mind, drowning out the other voices swarming her brain and satisfying her obsessive tendencies. ‘She’s all mine. No one will ever take her from me. She won’t leave–she can’t. I won’t let her.’ Her smile grew. “You’re mine, toots. Don’t ever forget that.”

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