#And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not

[amethystina]

A health update (and a general explanation of my long Covid)

So while I've been pretty open about living with long Covid, I realise I've never taken the time to explain what that actually means for me and my quality of living. It's a phrase I toss around but I can imagine it doesn't feel all that substantial to a lot of you.

So I figured that now that I'm feeling a bit better (more on that later) I should do so. Partly because I figure it will make it easier to understand why I sometimes have to disappear for weeks on end.

So, if you're interested, feel free to keep reading under the cut :)

But be warned: It's long and kind of whiny. But also ends on a high note! So there's that.

The first time I caught Covid was around Easter 2020, long before there were any vaccines, which meant that I was hit hard. But no matter how bad I felt during the illness itself, the aftermath has been ten times worse. I've been living with my long Covid symptoms ever since, so for four years now. They worsened for a couple of months when I caught Covid a second time in February 2021, but have otherwise held pretty steady during those four years.

A lot of people experience different symptoms with their long Covid and, sometimes, they'll change as the weeks and months go by. I actually had a very interesting couple of months during 2022 when my sense of smell just went completely whack and everything suddenly smelled differently than it should. Like, I could be smelling an apple but it did not smell like an apple. It was a weird time in my life.

Anyway. My most common symptoms are fatigue, fevers, joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, incoherent speech, and lowered blood circulation.

(The latter actually kickstarted the Raynaud's syndrome I have on my mother's side so now I struggle with fingers and feet that will occasionally go white, bloodless, and completely numb at random intervals. Fun times)

The fatigue and fevers are the worst by far. For the past four years, I have had exhaustion fevers between two to five times a week. Or every single day if I'm unlucky. It's very much tied to how much sleep I'm getting, how well I'm eating, and how many taxing things I do each day. I need eight hours of sleep to be functional and anything less than that will most likely mean I'll end up having a fever before the day is over.

Unfortunately, I've always had issues with my sleep so, on most nights, I don't get eight hours even if I try my absolute best. Sometimes it's because I wake up too early and can't fall back asleep and, sometimes — because my life sucks — it's because my fever is so high that I can't fall asleep. Cue the endless cycle of too little sleep and fevers.

Because one of the main issues with these exhaustion fevers — and what makes them so difficult to manage — is that there's no way to lower them. Medicine has no effect whatsoever. Once I have it, I just have to suffer through however many hours are left until I can sleep and hope that it'll be gone in the morning. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

And every day my energy level gets just a little bit lower and the fever a little bit higher. Some days, all I can do when I get home from work is to lie on the couch and stare at the wall because I'm too tired and in too much pain to even watch something. And, again, no amount of medicine helps.

It continues on like this for a while and, every third or fourth month or so, the strain eventually becomes too much and I fall ill. My body simply shuts down from the continued stress and exhaustion, to the point where I can barely get out of bed. And, usually, I can feel it coming. On top of the fevers, I start coughing, then get a headache, and then my nose gets stuffy. And, by that time, I know I have about two to four days before I get sick. It's so accurate that my coworkers have learned that when I give the sign, they have to tell me whatever tasks they need to be finished within the near future since I'll probably be out of commission for one to two weeks.

But I eventually recover, go back to work, and so the cycle starts again. And again. And again. And again.

For four years.

All of this has, unsurprisingly, affected my quality of life to a pretty significant degree. I can barely work, let alone spend time doing any of my hobbies. I can't really travel anymore and, if I do, I'll get sick from the exhaustion. Even the 50-minute commute to the office (which I have to do three times a week) usually results in a fever before the day is over.

This inability to travel was how I ended up missing my maternal granddad's funeral. My shitty relatives didn't tell us the date for when he would be buried until there were only two days left and even if I could have put myself on an overnight train to get there, I knew I would be in no shape to actually be at the funeral if I did. So I couldn't go.

I did go to sit with my paternal grandmother as she was dying but, as expected, I got sick and couldn't return to work for a couple of days afterwards.

I also have to skip most birthday celebrations and any events happening on weekdays since I'm usually too feverish or won't manage the required trip to get there. My life has shrunk so much I barely recognise it anymore. I don't recognise myself. I used to be one of those people who could do a million things at the same time and somehow complete all of them. I was firm, organised, and efficient.

And now I'm not.

(... or, well, technically I am — at least compared to many others — but not compared to how I used to be xD)

Point being, a lot of things have changed and I don't like it. But, with that said, I'm also well aware that I'm lucky to be alive and I'm fortunate enough to have a stable job and a roof over my head. So, all things considered, I'm still doing pretty well.

But I also can't lie and say that this hasn't affected me in a deep and fundamental way. My life has changed and, right now, I don't know if it'll ever return to what I used to consider normal. And dealing with that knowledge — and the grief and fear that comes with it — hasn't been easy. I have cried ugly, self-pitying tears over this many, many times. It's frustrating to have no control over what my body does and to constantly have to be careful of what I do so I don't exhaust myself. I am furious that this happened to me.

But, after four years, there's also a certain amount of acceptance. And while I'm annoyed by my new limitations, I try my best not to feel too sorry for myself. Instead, I try to adapt as best I can, even if I might not always do it gracefully.

That does mean that I sometimes push myself more than I should, though. Because, if I didn't, I wouldn't never produce anything. As depressing as it is to admit, everything I've given you in the past four years has been while I was sick. I don't think a single chapter I've written or drawing I've made has been untouched by this. I've become an expert at writing, editing, and drawing even with a fever.

That doesn't mean I regret it, though — quite the opposite. I think that if I hadn't had a reason to write and draw, I would have felt even worse. A lof of the time, the excitement I feel when I'm able to post a chapter or show off a drawing I've made has been the highlight of my week. It's an accomplishment.

But, that said, it's still hard. Writing in particular. It requires a level of brainpower I can't reach when the fevers are too bad. And so, sometimes, I just can't. I literally just can't.

And, back in January, as I was trying to edit chapter 39 of Who Holds the Devil, I honestly pushed myself too hard. I was so determined to finish it that I didn't let myself see just how bad I was feeling — not at all helped by how emotionally draining the content of the chapter was.

It was only once I finished the chapter and posted it that I realised how absolutely wretched I felt. Not because of the chapter itself, but my lack of compassion for myself, I guess? Because the fevers were bad, I was barely sleeping, and I was both mentally and physically exhausted. And, what was worse, I realised that I was displaying depression symptoms I hadn't seen in over ten years.

All of a sudden, I got annoyed as soon as a minor inconvenience appeared. Everything people said to me was dissected into its tiniest component. I feared that people were secretly hating me. I couldn't meet people's eyes anymore when I was talking to them. I didn't realise I was just sitting there, staring at a wall, until several minutes had already passed.

And, as the final nail in the coffin, I stopped talking about how I was feeling.

And that, right there, is my last warning that I need to do something — always has been, ever since I was a teenager. When I clam up completely, refusing to admit to the people around me that I'm feeling bad, that's when I'm about to spiral.

So, the very next day, I went to my boss and told her that I'm getting burnt out and I need to do something NOW or this was going to turn ugly real soon. Thankfully, my boss is amazing and, after a doctor's visit, I was put on partial sick leave. Right now, I'm working six hours a day instead of eight and, let me tell you, I'm thriving.

Or, well, as much as I can while still having long Covid.

I'm almost angry at how much better I feel because, if I had known, I would have done this a lot sooner. I actually have energy now! I've only had a fever about four times in a little over a month! That's insane! It used to be four a week!

So yeah. I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. The downside is that the partial sick leave is still only temporary and there are no guarantees that I'll be able to keep it. Though, if need be, I'll just have to ask my boss to rewrite my contract and change the amount of hours I work because, man, I don't ever want to go back considering how much better and happier I feel. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I feel like I've gotten my life back. It's not quite the same as before, but close enough to it that I kind of want to cry again — but happy tears this time.

And so I've spent the past couple of weeks just... living? When, before that, it felt like I was merely existing. I've been drawing a lot since that helps with the depression symptoms (which are almost completely gone, thank god) but writing has been harder. Possibly because I forced myself to do it during a time when I felt really, really bad and now I'm instinctively trying to shy away from it. But, since I know that's just my mind playing tricks on me, I'm going to give it another try this weekend. I want to write and I miss the stories I'm working on. And, hopefully, since I'm feeling a bit better, I can maybe get back to a more structured uploading schedule. But we'll see. As always, I can't make any promises.

But that's about it, I guess? I'm feeling better and, since I am, I've been doing a lot of things that I wasn't able to before (like taking walks — I take a lot of walks). And I'm still trying to figure out my new routine now that I work less. And while I still get sick sometimes (I am right now, in fact, due to lack of sleep on Tuesday night) I always find my way back eventually.

So yeah. If you've read this far, thank you so much for your patience 💜 I admit that I don't really enjoy writing things like these since it feels like I'm whining — I was very much raised not to take up space or complain when things are difficult (an unfortunate side effect to being the middle child with two disabled, high-maintenance siblings) — but I also prefer honesty and transparency. And I feel a little guilty since there are times when I've given pretty harsh responses when people question why I'm sick all the time or why I don't upload chapters as often as I used to, but without actually explaining why. So I guess it's time to be honest?

And the truth is that I've been constantly sick for the past four years. Not only due to my long Covid, but also the emotional and psychological toll of all the loss, grief, and pain I've been through. These past four years have been rough.

But I'm not saying that to gain pity or make excuses. I actually think I've done pretty well considering just how hindered I've been. I've improved my drawings so much and have written... god knows how many words. I'm honestly kind of scared to check xD But it has to be over 600k by now, maybe closer to 700k.

I think my only regret is that I haven't been able to engage with you all to the extent I would want. I wish I could be a more active and enthusiastic participant in fandom — to seek you out, hold conversations, and give you all even a fraction of the attention you've given me. I feel like I don't offer you nearly enough.

But I also know that I have to accept my own limitations. So, for now, we'll have to settle for whatever I can give, even if it's less than I would want. But I will keep on creating, trust me on that, because I'm stubborn as fuck and even if my pace is slower, I'm still determined to finish what I start.

And that's the note I want to end this on. I have suffered, yes — more so than I may have expressed to you all — but I've still managed to create some beautiful things. And while I mourn who I used to be and the fact that some of you have never known me at my best, I don't think the me I am right now is all that terrible. Do I want things to change? Yes, definitely. But do I want to change the choices I've made and the things I've accomplished in the past four years? No, I can't say that I do. I'm proud of what I've done, especially considering my limitations.

And, if you're reading this, thank you so, so much for your kindness, compassion, and support. Some of you are old friends while others of you are new, but I am grateful to every single one of you. You have made these past four years more bearable. You have made it easier to keep fighting. You have made it worth it.

Thank you 💜

#Amethystina and Life #I don't really know what to tag this as #A rant? #A rambling? #An explanation? #It's just a lot I guess #And I admit I'm still hesitating whether to post this or not #I don't like talking about things like this #Or draw attention to it might be a better way to put it #But yeah #It's here if you want to read it #But do so at your own risk #Now I'm going to bed #And might just pretend I never wrote this because I feel awkward and embarrassed x'D

[evilbihan]

Bi-Han is an honorable man

I can't believe that I'm making yet another post pointing out the obvious but every time I go into a Youtube comment section I'm starting to question whether me and the rest of the Mortal Kombat fandom have even played the same game.

1. He shows opponents mercy

Sub-Zero: You want peace? Let us be. Liu Kang: The Lin Kuei's sins aren't easily forgiven.

Sub-Zero: Surrender and Shao will show mercy. Mileena: If you believe that, you're a fool.

Sub-Zero: Walk away while you can. Raiden: I'll never give up, never surrender.

Sub-Zero: I won't hold back, Brother. Scorpion: Do your worst.

Sub-Zero: We have no cause for dispute. Kitana: You aided Shao's attempt to steal the throne!

These dialogues honestly speak for themselves already, they don't even need explaining. Compare that to actual villains like General Shao who sends Reiko after Bi-Han to kill him simply because he "doesn't like loose ends" even after Bi-Han saved him or Shang Tsung who killed Reptile's family out of nothing but sheer cruelty.

The fact that Bi-Han is willing to let people walk away from a fight, that he gives them a chance to walk away alive, speaks volumes about his personality. He warns his opponents in his intros and even during his end of round taunts ("Flee now and live."), he tries to solve things peacefully and without violence if possible. He's not bloodthirsty, malicious or eager to kill anyone, but will do so if given no other choice.

Despite Bi-Han's flaws, a man willing to show an opponent mercy is an honorable man. SPOILERS AHEAD: May I again remind you that Kuai Liang is not willing to show a defeated and dying Bi-Han mercy when he gets turned into Noob against his will? Not only that, but Kuai Liang wouldn't have hesitated to kill Frost who is probably around Hanzo's age at his own wedding if Harumi hadn't stepped in to save her. Harumi had to beg Kuai Liang to show someone mercy, while Bi-Han grants it without a second thought. Like it or not, at least in that one aspect, Bi-Han is the better man.

I don't know why some people think of him as this aggressive guy going around trying to pick fights with everyone when all he wants is to be left alone? It's wild to me how people think he's the problem here.

2. He respects/admires their fighting skills

Sub-Zero: You will surely test my might. Ashrah: I will overwhelm it, Sub-Zero.

Sub-Zero: This fight I will long remember. General Shao: Who says you will survive it?

Sub-Zero: I'm pleased to fight Outworld's foremost mage. Rain: Will it also please you to lose?

Sub-Zero: I hear your skills are formidable. Li Mei: As are those of all who have been Umgadi.

Can we also talk about how respectful Bi-Han is towards his opponents? He compliments them on their skills as opposed to Kuai Liang who even talks down to his own allies. Yes, Bi-Han is arrogant, but he can still acknowledge other people's strengths and respect them, even if they are his foes.

3. He admits when he's wrong

Sub-Zero: I was wrong to trust you. General Shao: Yes, Earthrealmer. You were.

Sub-Zero: I wasn't aware of Shang Tsung's experiments. Liu Kang: Had you known, would your choice have been different?

Sub-Zero: Your mother's death is regrettable. Kitana: I consider you complicit, Bi-Han.

You can say what you want about him, but he certainly takes responsibility for his actions and even shows regret over some of them. Bi-Han might not be the most compassionate character, but he does express some sympathy towards others. Compare that to Kuai Liang who tells Havik it's his own fault that his face was burned off as if he had nothing to do with it. Yes, Bi-Han doesn't show much sympathy towards Baraka for his condition, but neither does Kuai Liang. Why Kuai Liang is still considered the more honorable brother regardless of that and his very obvious ableism, is beyond me.

Bi-Han's good traits are all too often overlooked. I don't know if it's because people don't pay attention to intros, but it's so easy to see he's not a bad person deep down. It's just the media comprehension skills of most MK fans that are seriously lacking.

#bi han #bi-han #bi han sub zero #mk sub zero #mk bi han #kuai liang #mk scorpion #mk kitana #mk li mei #mk ashrah #mk liu kang #mortal kombat 1 #mk1 2023

[kimi240302]

Love of the cruel King

A/N: My native language is not English, so I put each of my stories through an app so that it ends up in English.

Also, I've uploaded this story before, on another account but it's defective somehow. So I created a new one

Summary: When Y/N follows her older sister Bella to Volterra , she didn't expect to finde out that she is connected by fate to one of the three vampire kings

Caius Volturi x female!reader

Words: 4.5k

Main Post / Twilight Masterlist

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" The best

place to get lost

is in the eyes

of someone

you've missed."

-faraway

"Now, just to be clear. You want to travel to Italy to save the guy who has been ignoring you for months just because a family member of his tried to eat you?"

Bella looked annoyed at her one year younger sister and tried to ignore her, but Y/N wouldn't let her.

" If he wants to kill himself please , let him do it. It seems to have become fashionable in the last few hours! But if you think I'm going to let you go alone with Dracula's sister, you're wrong dear sister!"

Bella walked past Y/N. " I'm not taking you with me."

Y/N grabbed Bella's upper arm. Both sisters looked into each other's eyes. " Bella you just jumped off a cliff for your ex boyfriend to notice you . That proves I'm the only one of the two of us who can still think straight! So either I get Jacob in here , who will happily help me lock you in your room until our father gets home or you take me with you!"

" You are too stubborn for your own good!" Grumbled Bella, breaking free of her sister's iron grip. " And you too naive for yours!"

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" Don't look at me like that!" Bella stood next to Edward and noticed her sister's annoyed look. Ignoring her sentence, Y/N turned back around and stared at the closed elevator doors.

" The entire Cullen clan will be the death of my sister , me or both of us at the same time."

Jane , Demetri and Felix eyed the young girl. Slightly she shrank under the gaze of the vampires. Because even if she did not want to admit it , the red eyes of the three were not only beautiful , but also intimidating .

"I know that Bella and I are the only humans in a rather cramped room full of vampires, but could you stop looking at me like you're about to really eat me?" Puzzled, Felix and Demetri looked at each other. But then grinned down at the girl. The blond vampire put one of his hands on Y/N's shoulder. " You have quite a bit of courage..." Jane interrupted him. " As long as Aro , Caius or Marcus have not decided whether you should live or die , your survival is uncertain human!" The vampire turned her head boredly to Y/N and back again as the elevator doors opened. Confused, Y/N turned her head to Demetri. "Is she always in such a good mood or does my perfume just not suit her?" " Imagine Felix she becomes one of us , that could be really interesting!" The brown-haired vampire studied the young girl closely and began to smile. "Maybe."

Y/N who was about to ask another question fell silent as the small group stepped through two huge double doors into a throne room. Demetri and Felix meanwhile also became serious again and pushed Y/N a little more in front of them when they noticed her hesitation. Their eyes followed Jane , who stood by a dark-haired boy and seemed pleased with herself. Looking to her left , the young girl held her breath.

Three thrones with their respective guardians stood before her. The vampire in the center rose with a grin that reminded Y/N of the Joker , and approached the small group. If Y/N remembered correctly from Carlisle's stories, the black-haired vampire was Aro Volturi. The vampire sitting behind Aro on the left, wearing the look of a man tired of life, was Marcus Volturi. On Aro's right side sat a blond vampire, whom Y/N identified as Caius.

This one aroused a strange fascination in Y/N. No matter how hard she tried she could not take her eyes off him. Even though she knew she should rather listen to Aro, his words just seemed to pass her by. Meanwhile, Caius looked aggressively in the direction of Alice and Edward, paying no attention to other person.

Goosebumps covered Y/N's skin when the blond vampire noticed that he was being watched. First he looked at Bella with a look full of contempt. Y/N immediately wondered if he would look at her with so many bad emotions as well. Just as she was about to finally release her gaze, Caius turned his attention to the young girl.

Y/N's breathing, which had just been rapid and uncontrolled, returned to normal. The fear she had felt all this time left her body and was replaced by a warmth that Y/N didn't understand and yet if she had to be honest with herself, she didn't want to be. Because the answer to that worried her more than her situation at that moment.

" Brother." Marcus drew all the attention of the room to him with one blow. Aro looked at his brother, startled, but Marcus simply raised his hand. In less than a millisecond , Aro stood in front of him and grabbed his hand .

With a cry of joy, Aro stood in front of Y/N with the same speed. Not having expected this, she stumbled back several steps, startled. Felix and Demetri reacted at the same time and caught Y/N carefully. Confused , she looked at the vampires , wondering why they were so careful with her and not so rough as with the rest. " Brother! Be careful , she is only human after all." Caius voice sounded a bit short tempered and yet there was something in his gaze that Y/N could not describe. Aro on the other hand just nodded and gave the young girl his full attention. " May I?" With a gentle smile, he pointed at Y/N's still slightly trembling hand. She winced at the coldness that enveloped her hand as Aro closed his hands around hers. But she did not dare to pull them away.

Laughing, he let go of her hand and turned to Caius. "This could be interesting, brother!"

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After a small fight in the middle of the throne room, where Y/N had been standing behind a vampire named Alec the entire time, they were allowed to go home. Caius had clearly rebelled against letting Y/N go home, but this interested Aro less. What bothered Y/N the most was that no one had even tried to explain to her what was going on and why Alice and Edward were looking at her as if she would drop dead at any moment. When she couldn't take it anymore on the way home and yelled at both vampires to tell her what the hell was going on, Alice confused her even more by saying, ˋSomething that changed your fate in this world'.

Three months had passed since then and Y/N doubted that anything would happen. She also tried to forget the whole thing, which proved to be more difficult than the young girl had thought. Because every time she closed her eyes she saw Caius in front of her.

That night, too, Y/N had trouble falling asleep, and when she finally did, she was awakened three hours later by a breeze and a huge shadow in front of her bed. Confused, Y/N blinked as she opened her eyes. Only to fly out of her bed with a sharp scream. She had looked directly into the red eyes of Felix Volturi, getting the shock of her life.

Smirking, Demetri circled the human's bed and held out one of his gloved hands to her. " Do you need help?" The blond-haired vampire raised an eyebrow in amusement. Wiping hair from her face , Y/N stood up without help and looked at both vampires annoyed . " No! What I need is a good reason why you stand in my room at night and watch me sleep!" "Actually, we didn't want to watch you sleep, we wanted to wake you up." Felix grinned at her, which Y/N returned with an even more annoyed expression. Demetri laughed. " The reason we are here is because Caius wants you to join him in Volterra." Y/N nodded mutely , scratched her forehead , bent down to pick up her quilt and lay back in bed . " Then I wish you both a safe journey back , because I'm going to lie back in this very bed and go back to sleep! You both know the way out." With that , she closed her eyes and buried her face back into her pillow . Felix sighed, "Aro was right! Things could get interesting with her!" The tall vampire bent down , pulled the blanket off Y/N's body and threw the young girl over his shoulder.

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" A human mate...." Caius grumbled this to himself as everyone waited for Demetri and Felix to arrive with Y/N. " For the last three months you have been trying to deny this brother. Give it up." Aro looked over at Caius in amusement. Marcus turned to Caius as well. " Fate cannot be stopped or changed. Everything has its right and, accordingly, a reason." " Then fate seems to hate me. For I, of all people, am linked to the sister of the Cullens' toy!" Aro pursed his lips for an answer, but he was interrupted by the opening of the door. Smiling, he turned to it and was about to start a greeting, when he fell silent, confused.

" You huge idiot! Put me the fuck down!" Everyone present had to get used to the image that presented itself to them. Y/N was hanging over Felix's shoulder, in her sleeping clothes, hitting his back while insulting him. Felix looked annoyed and Demetri seemed to stifle a laugh.

" Felix, put them down!" Caius grumbled this. Alec , standing next to Aro's throne , tilted his head slightly and eyed Y/N as she stood. " Did you get her out of bed?" Annoyed , Y/N looked at him . " No how did you come up with that? I had the idea of being carried in here in nothing but my pajamas over Bigfoot's shoulders!" Aro cried out laughing and clapped his hands. " You are such a special specimen of a human. I like that!" He turned to face Caius. " So if you ask me brother , fate has sent you the perfect mate."

Confused, Y/N looked around. " Mate?" " You and Caius my love are connected by the red bond of fate . I could see it the moment you looked into each other's eyes!" Marcus looked at her lovingly. Silently Y/N stood there trying to understand exactly what was happening. " That means exactly , just to make my brain understand everything for a moment..." "You and Caius souls complete each other. In other words; you will stay here in Volterra so you will be with him and he will logically be with you!" Aro smiled at her. " Ah" , the young girl turned to Demetri, " Just to be sure... I'm not asleep and this is really happening?" Grinning, the latter shook his head. " You're wide awake!" Slowly, she nodded and looked to Caius. " Do I have a choice?" " No!" " So what's going on right now is, by and large, a kidnapping?" " Yes" " Good to know." Amused, all the vampires watched their master and his mate. " How do you explain my sudden disappearance?" Aro answered the question without letting even a second pass. " On the way to your mother , you died in a car accident."

Silently, she looked around and noticed that no one seemed to be joking. Fear spread through Y/N, but also relief to finally be near Caius again. Being too confused by her own feelings, she simply nodded. As she did so, her surroundings began to spin and she slumped slightly. Y/N realized only now how much everything was taking her and how much her body longed for sleep, which she had not gotten in the last weeks. Caius, who had sensed the change in his mate's behavior, immediately stood in front of her and caught his mate's increasingly flaccid body. Picking her up in bridal style, he looked down at her with concern.

" It is fascinating how in the human mind the separation of two mates shows itself..." Aro had stood next to Caius and was also looking down at Y/N now sleeping body. " Will she be okay?" Aro placed a hand on her forehead and closed his eyes for a moment. " She just needs sleep and your presence , just as you need hers." Nodding , he left the throne room to go to his quarters , where they had cleared a new room for Y/N to sleep in .

Once there, he placed her in a large and soft bed. For a minute he watched his mate sleep. He shook his head and wanted to turn away, but Y/N's hand stopped him. Again he looked down at her. " Is something going to happen to me here or am I going to be turned against my will?" Sleepily , yet worried and with a touch of fear , she looked up at Caius . He shook his head and sat on the edge of the bed. Her hand he released from his wrist, grasped it and placed it on his non-beating heart. Y/N sat up and moved closer to Caius.

" The connection that binds us is very rare , some vampires never find it in their infinite lives and the ones that do... you can't feel it as a human like I can. When you are a vampire and you find that one person that is meant for you , every second without them is agony." He interrupted himself and put his forehead to Y/N's. The latter didn't flinch, even seemed to relax more. "If the wrong people found out that you were that person for me, Y/N, they would use you against me and kill you. I can't lose you, not after I just found you! So don't be afraid that anything will happen to you here. I will always be there to protect you!" Caius detached his forehead from hers and looked her in the eyes. "Turning into a vampire will be your free decision. I will not make it for you , even though I would love for you to become one of us , so I can have you by my side for eternity."

He lifted her hand , which still rested on his chest , and pressed a kiss on the back of his hand . Before he could get up , Y/N held his hand tighter . "Stay with me... please" Caius hesitated briefly. But he meant to make room for her so that he could lie down with her. Cautiously and with still some restraint Y/N snuggled up to him and fell asleep for the first time in months without waking up every now and then.

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Lost in thought, Y/N let her fingers run over the fabric of the blue Summer dress that Caius had given her only that morning. "Are you all right my dear? You've been lost in your thoughts all afternoon." Athenodora looked at Y/N out of worried eyes. Detaching herself from her thoughts , Y/N studied the older woman before her closely.

Several weeks had now passed since Y/N's arrival. Everyone seemed to really like her, even though she was still human. Even the twins couldn't help but be nice to Y/N, which seemed to shock many. Aro was worried that the twins would be nice. But that thought was quickly misplaced when the Cullens wanted to talk to Aro and the rest of the kings to bring Y/N home and the twins had to be stopped from traveling to Forks and wiping out the Cullens for good. Caius and she spent every spare second he could spare together. Sometimes she just watched him paint his canvases and sometimes they read together in front of his fireplace. Even though Y/N knew that Caius would never admit it, she knew that sometimes at night he would lie down with her and pull her into his arms. After a while, Y/N had to admit to herself that she was starting to feel something for the grumpy vampire king. Which would not be a problem if it were not for his wife Athenodora, whom Y/N met on the second day in Volterra. She treats the young girl like a good , almost like a best friend. While Y/N felt more and more guilty for her feelings towards Caius.

" It's all good. I'm just tired." Athenodora raised one of her eyebrows. "You should know by now that I can hear your heartbeat. So don't even try to lie to me my dear!" Y/N looked at Athenodora and rose from her place at the window of the tower with a sigh. " Aren't you mad at me about Caius?" A silence spread between the two friends for a moment , which was interrupted by the happy laughter of the vampiress. " So I am right in my assumption that you have fallen in love with Caius Y/N?" Ashamed , the young girl nodded , unable to lie to Athenodora . " And also am I right that you feel guilty because I am Caius' wife?" Again the young girl nodded, with her head lowered. Smiling softly, Athenodora stood up and glided lightly towards Y/N to take her in her arms. Pressing the young girl to her chest, she whispered in a soothing voice, "The love that Caius and I once felt for each other has been extinguished for an eternity. We still cherish each other as friends who shared a deeper past. Now he has you and even though Caius would never express it with facial expressions or words, you make him happy. The whole castle seems to be a bit livelier again since you've been around and me, I'm glad to have gained a good friend!" Y/N wrapped her arms tighter around Athenodora's torso.

" Will you promise me something Y/N?" " Anything you want." " That someday you will be ready to become one of us. Because even if you don't see it yet, you're the piece of the puzzle that we've all been missing here." Athenodora noticed the tentative nod at her chest. " I have a confession to make." The vampire broke away from Y/N and looked at her questioningly. " I think about it every single day." Eyes shining with joy, Athenodora hugged Y/N to her again.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As evening had fallen, Y/N set off for her chambers with Demetri at her side. "Master Caius is in his studio. If you are interested." Smiling, Y/N thanked Demetri , who with an equally warm smile led her to her new destination.

Felix and Santiago stood in front of the high doors of Caius' studio and opened them as soon as they saw Y/N. Caius, who was sitting on a chair by one of the windows, with his painting in front of him, only looked up for a moment to smile at the young girl. But he turned back to his work. He was used to Y/N joining him with a book and reading in front of the fireplace on the sofa. But the young girl had other plans today.

Carefully she let her gaze wander over Caius. He was wearing only a white shirt and simple trousers. The only light that illuminated him was that of the moon, the fireplace was too far away for that and probably had been turned on just for her. Slowly she walked up to him and stood behind him. Caius was about to ask her if all was well, when she put her arms around his neck from behind and buried her face in them.

" I missed you."

Caius paused in what he was doing, putting away the brush and paint palette, he turned his torso a bit, wrapped his arms around Y/N's waist and pulled her onto his lap. With a surprised expulsion of air, she landed in Caius' lap. Examining her, he looked into her eyes. Carefully, she put her arms around his neck again. " Did something happen?" Smiling, she shook her head. "Why do you think something happened?" The vampire tilted his head. " Because this morning , you were still keeping your distance and now you are sitting in my lap." " I had a conversation with Athenodora." " About?" " My feelings for you and the consideration of letting myself be transformed."

Caius sat up a little straighter and strengthened his grip on Y/N's waist so that he didn't hurt her. Y/N noticed her mate's sudden tension and let her hands move from his neck to his cheeks so he would look at her again. " Before you assume the worst why don't you ask me first, Caius." Annoyed , he exhaled . " And what conclusion have you come to?" Amused, Y/N looked at Caius. Instead of answering him directly, she leaned forward and breathed a kiss on his mouth. Surprised, he looked at her. " My realization is that even though you are often in a bad mood , I couldn't imagine eternity with a better mate." " Y/N are you sure..." She interrupted him with another kiss. But when she tried to break away from him this time , Caius put his hand to the back of her head and deepened the kiss. Y/N's hands dropped down from his cheeks to his shoulders. Detaching from Caius , since Y/N still needed air , she bit her lower lip in embarrassment . Grinning , he placed his fingers on Y/N lower lip to free it from her teeth. " Caius..." Y/N's voice trembled. " What do you want Y/N. Tell me and it's yours." Her grip on his top tightened. " I want you and eternity." Looking deep into her eyes his hands moved back to her waist , where he lifted her up and stood with her. His lips settled on hers once more. Y/N hands wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist. Carefully, Caius laid her on the couch in front of the fireplace and leaned over her. His lips parted from those of his mate.

"If I turn you now, you'll never get rid of me." Laughing, she pulled him close to kiss him again. "I love you Caius Volturi!" With shining eyes he looked at her. " I love you too..." Caius lips carefully wandered over his lover's stoner ,moving to her neck and placing a kiss on a sensitive spot . Y/N's eyes closed , her hands buried in the fabric of Caius shirt. With one last look at Y/N, Caius buried his fangs in her neck.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Caius, are you all right?" Athenodora had left her tower, having noticed for three days that her husband was standing outside in the middle of a field, looking up at the stars. The vampire did not turn away from the starry sky when he spoke. " Have I made a mistake?" Athenodora looked at him in confusion. " Turning Y/N?" Slowly he nodded. " Caius she will wake up , don't worry . It's been a while , but surely you haven't forgotten how long our transformations were ." Sadly he looked at Athenodora. "What if she remembers that I am not the one she wants at her side? What if she regrets the transformation and demands that I kill her? What if..." " Caius!" Athenodora put a hand on his shoulder. " I spoke to her that day. The girl loves you and no matter what the future will bring you , you will face it together!" " Thank you." "Not for this, Caius. I'll leave you with your thoughts." Again he looked up at the sky. The flowers around him gave him peace, knowing how much Y/N loved them.

A movement behind him made him smile. "I thought you wanted to go inside Athenodora?" Two arms wrapped around his waist from behind and he felt a second body nestle against him. " I am not Dora." Closing his eyes, Caius placed his hands on his lover's. " How long have you been awake?" "An hour. I should take something to eat before I could get to you." Caius nodded silently , turned around , put his hands on Y/N's face and pulled her to him for a kiss. Y/N returned his kiss without thinking twice about it. They both disengaged after a while and rested their foreheads against each other's.

" Dance with me." Caius looked at her seriously and Y/N laughed. " Here , without music?" He nodded. " Here , without music." Grinning, she agreed and so they both began to move to a tune that only the two of them could hear.

"I'm glad he found her." Aro looked down into the garden with a satisfied smile. "And so even the grimmest soul finds its right half."

#caius volturi #caius volturi x reader #caius volturi imagine #marcus volturi #aro volturi #twilight x reader #twilight imagine #volturi coven #demetri volturi #alec volturi #jane volturi #felix volturi #twilight fanfiction #volturi x reader #volturi kings

[indulgentdaydream]

Hello luv, first of all... I LOVE NURSE!READER!!! OH god the last lines were soooooo heartwarming for my social worker heart!! LOVE LOVE IT 🩷🩷

So, may I request a Jason x reader again but with a little something... Jealous Jason because reader and Roy know each other longer than Jay and reader and then he gets all jelly and and—! Oh god I love a jealous petty man.

Missy when she fucks up the queue and queues this post for NEXT YEAR by accident 🫣🙃 NEXT YEAR?? LIKE THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POSTED LAST FRIDAY AND I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT IT DIDN'T GO UP

anyways AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH your words are already heartwarming ♥️

I loveeee jealous jason imma cook this up so quick just you wait and see (i wrote this when i first made the draft and i found it funny to leave it. It’s literally been a month I’m so sorry)

I also made this into headcanons because I had a VISION and did not think to give it any justice. (koi youre seriously my number 1 supporter i hope you enjoy this garbage I just threw up, really)

Pining!Jealous!Jason Todd x Reader

Warnings: slight jealousy (not too overly consuming), alcohol consumption

Roy had invited Jason to hang out at the bar

Bros being bros

except...

Roy brought you along (because he KNOWS Jason has got a fat crush on you whether or not he’s told him)

(He tried to convince roy it’s not a crush, but always fails because his whole demeanour changes when you walk in the room)

examples:

he's always going to be standing beside you, consciously or not

jason isn't always a tense guy. But he for sure isn't as long as you're talking to him/looking at him/etc. (but if you put your hand on his arm/touch him in any way, it's game over)

your name is brought up, he's listening SO INTENTLY

like a dog when it hears its favourite word

Anyways

The three of you are sitting in a booth

It was originally you and roy before jason showed up, the two of you on either side

Jason shows up and just sits right next to you. No hesitation.

You and roy are laughing away, recounting stories and telling jokes.

Jason is just... really quiet

unusually quiet

He doesn’t look at you guys, rather looking out across the bar, trying to hide the fact he’s feeling this way

That he's feeling unreasonably jealous of his best friend

who literally brought you FOR JASON

He knows it’s stupid. He trusts both of you. You two are the two people he trusts the MOST

He hates that he’s like this, but he can't help it

Roy's better than him. You've known him for longer. He's making you laugh harder than Jason ever has. He's better looking, too. Older. More experienced.

His thoughts are clogging up his head. He's really not listening anymore, just holding his beer, eyes scanning the bar floor, watching the other patrons.

Then Roy is standing in front of him, saying something about using the bathroom.

He is giving a VERY pointed look at Jason.

a "make conversation with your crush or I'm shoving an arrow down your throat" kind of look

Jason felt a little stab of genuine anxiety shoot through him.

He's talked to you alone before. Many times. You two were friends, of course. He doesn't know why this is how he's feeling right now.

Then your hand is resting on his forearm.

Poor boy is still so caught up in his head he just looks down at your hand for definitely a second too long before finally meeting your gaze

Your gaze with those stupidly pretty eyes.

Then comes that horrendously pretty voice, "You alright?"

He nods. Shrugs. Like a stupid teenager who doesn't know how to handle his emotions.

He has to admit he's still a little tense about your attention being focused more on Roy. But not to you. He'd never admit it to you. You'd probably find it unattractive and then he'd really never have a chance.

“Yeah, no, im enjoying the talking. Always forget how well you and roy know each other”

“Oh yeah he just knows how to get me going. You know how he is”

Jason doesn’t know how he does it.

Like some leap of faith.

Some, jealousy super-powered leap.

He tries to be non-chalant about it.

“It’d be nice to do this again sometime. Maybe without Roy around.”

BOY'S HEART IS POUNDING

Sipping on his beer, looking down at it instead to avoid eye contact with you so he doesn't lose his cool.

Or someone show on his face that he is actually shitting bricks

You don't respond for a second and the alarm bells start going off in his head

WHY DID I SAY THAT WHY DID I SAY THAT WHY DID I SAY-

"It would be nice," you say, "Could we make it a date instead?"

He's smiling, turning to nod at you, "Course we can."

But his internal dialogue is just straight screaming at himself

"IDIOT YOU SHOULD'VE MADE IT OBVIOUS YOU WANTED IT TO BE A DATE IN THE FIRST PLACE"

The things jealousy will make you do

Roy comes back and sits down

Jason's into the conversation now

It doesn't really matter that Roy is still making you laugh

because he's not the one holding your hand under the table

AH I HOPE YOU LIKE -missy

I also love a jealous petty man (as long as it doesn't become toxic and he doesn't use it as an excuse to be an asshole)

#jason todd x reader #jason todd #jason todd x gn!reader #red hood #dc #dc x reader #red hood x reader #jason todd x you #jason todd imagine #jason todd fluff #red hood x you #dc x you #dc x y/n #jason todd x y/n #jealous!jason todd x reader #jealous!jason todd #cw jealousy #cw alcohol consumption

[gloomyluvr]

GOODNIGHT N GO

in which miles unexpectedly sleeps over

fem!reader x e-42! miles morales

fluff / kinda angst??

warnings!: none

a/n: hiii ! i promised a post. and even tho it's a week or two late, it's here!! i loved this one btw. heavily inspired by ari's song. it's one of my faves. this took me forever cuz i had so many ideas and versions of it and i couldnt decide which route i wanted to go with it. idk hope y'all like it ig. oh and miles is ooc cuz like... idk how he is.

masterlist

“im sorry for coming over last minute.” it was almost midnight when miles had called you asking for a place to stay the night. you were the only person he knew who lived around this unfamiliar area. 

“no, it’s alright. don’t worry.” you looked down at the floor, avoiding miles’ gaze. admittedly, you were nervous. it was your first time seeing miles after your breakup. which didn’t go all too well, but it’s in the past now. 

“if you’re not comfortable with me staying here, i get it. i’ll find some other place.” miles had noticed your uneasy manner. 

“no! it’s fine! it’s late and i don’t want you out there by yourself” you finally looked up at him, “what are you doing here anyways?” 

“oh uhm, there’s this like robotics competition around here, good prize money y’know?” miles hesitated. 

you knew miles better than anyone, you know when he’s lying. he’s making it so painfully obvious that he’s lying. he was probably here for prowler business. but, it wasn’t your place to worry anymore.

“oh, sounds fun.” 

“your mom won't mind?”

“what?”

“your mom wont mind that i'm staying the night?”

“oh uhm, probably not. she’s at her boyfriends house so…” you shrugged

“oh.” 

 miles stood stiffly in front of you waiting for anything to happen. and you stood, well, also stiffly looking around your living room. god, this was so fucking awkward.

“um well, you can set your bag in my room and i’ll get you some old clothes of yours that i… still have.” you admitted, very very embarrassingly. miles slightly smiled, amused by your behavior. 

you led the way to your room, and miles trailed behind you. as he was walking, he looked around the apartment he once knew so well. he took notice of anything new, whether it was recent photos in frames or decorations your mother put up to match the season. 

once in your room, miles gently set his bag next to your bed. he observed you as you got clothes from your drawer. you were dressed in some graphic tee and christmas pajama pants. which miles so happened to have an exact pair of (maybe because you insisted on matching for the holidays and well, who was miles to deny you?)

“here you go.”

“thanks.” miles took the clothes from your hands and walked to the bathroom.

you let out a breath that you didn’t even know you were holding in. why were you so nervous? a couple months ago you guys could act freely around each other and now you guys can barely even make eye contact. there was no denying that you missed miles. you missed the calls that would last for hours. you missed laying together in bed. you missed his laugh. you missed everything and anything about miles. 

you weren’t expecting his call at all. he was the one who decided on no contact after all. and if you were being honest you were mad that he had the balls to ask to spend the night after not talking to you for months. but you didn’t have it in you to say no to miles. 

when miles came back, you were lying on a makeshift bed on the floor scrolling through your phone. it couldn’t have been comfortable. 

“you’re not sleeping on that.” miles immediately advised you. you looked up from your phone with a grin. 

“oh i know. you’re sleeping that.” you got up from the floor and climbed on top of your bed. miles watched your antics with a hand on his hips. you looked at him and he rolled his eyes. 

“well at least i was tryna be a gentleman.” he huffed as he laid down on the floor. you rolled over to the edge of your bed to look at miles who was getting comfy on the floor (which was surprisingly comfortable.)

you wanted him to say something. anything. ask how you’ve been, what you’ve been up to. you wanted to talk to him, tell him the latest drama from your school. anything that would break this god-awful silence. but, nothing ever came. it was late, and if he wasn’t gonna try anything, neither were you. 

you looked at miles’ face, admiring your favorite features of his. he quickly took notice and looked back at you. miles smiled nervously, hoping you wouldn’t notice how his cheeks turned red because of your gaze. fortunately for him, you were as giddy as him, if not more. your cheeks also blushed up and you just couldn’t handle it.

“stop looking at me like that!” you cried before hiding your face in your covers.

“what! ¿qué hice?” miles chuckled, throwing his hands in the air in defense. 

“you know what you did!” you insisted with your face still buried in your covers.

“ ‘m sorry i can’t help it.” he whispered. you shifted to your lay on your side, facing miles.

“miles you can’t say that.” you whispered back. 

“why not?”

“miles…” 

“i know, i’m sorry.” miles mumbled. 

and once again, silence filled the room. you could hear miles’ soft breaths and you were sure he could hear yours.

“k pues, goodnight.” 

“goodnight, y/n/n.” 

15 or so minutes had passed and you still couldn’t sleep. you were tossing and turning on your bed. why couldn’t you sleep? is it because it’s so cold even though it’s august? or was it the fact that your ex was sleeping on your bedroom floor? probably the first one. you shivered, trying to find some warmth within your blankets. why was it so fucking cold? you sigh, there was only one way you were gonna be able to sleep tonight. 

“miles?” 

“hm?”

“you awake?”

“yeah, can’t sleep. why?” miles waited for a response but all he heard was shuffling. then, he saw you standing over him with your pillow and an extra blanket.

“can i sleep with you?” miles nearly jumped at the offer. how could he ever reject you? 

“yeah of course.” miles made space for you on the ground and you quickly set your pillow down next to his. you got under the same covers as him with the extra you brought being quickly discarded. 

it wasn’t until you were fully settled in that you realized your position. your face was merely inches away from miles’. though it didn’t bother you like you thought it would and miles didn’t seem bothered either. in habit, you rested one of your legs over miles’. instinctively miles wrapped his arm around your waist to pull you in closer to him. you brought your hand up to caress miles’ cheek. you closed your eyes as miles rubbed circles on your waist with his thumb.

you missed this. so did miles. but as long as he was the prowler, he couldn’t be with you. despite how much he wanted to. 

#across the spiderverse #miles morales x reader #miles morales imagine #miles morales x y/n #atsv #earth 42 miles morales x reader #earth 42 miles fluff #hobie brown x reader #earth-42 miles morales #miguel o’hara x reader

[desafinado]

Damnn i like s/o wife hcs so much can you do the same to zhongli and diluc👉🏻👈🏻 also hope you have nice day

𓏲 ࣪₊♡𓂃 happily ever afters (?)

°｡⋆ zhongli, diluc, kazuha x reader (separately)

°｡⋆ suggestive like literally the word, sickening fluff once again

note: ofc, and thank you, hope your days are well too. added kazuha bc while i’m here, might as well… i'm glad y'all like the first one, and if there’s anyone else you’d like to see, don’t hesitate to leave an ask!! also... depending on whether i got the courage to post it alr, a 50 followers celebration is coming up, (its here!!) so feel free to join in ^^

(alhaitham, ayato) | (zhongli, diluc, kazuha)

zhongli ♡

all his years on teyvat, and you’d think he’d get used to all of the beauty it has to offer… but you still catch him off guard when you boop his nose first thing in the morning.

though he couldn’t have asked for a better way to wake up, it gives him the perfect excuse to shower you with kisses.

i feel like he’d easily slip into the so called “married life” as well as being the perfect husband (or as i like to say, malewife)

he cooks, he cleans, he makes you feel all warm inside…

he even visits during work, or vice-versa. you both have lunch with whatever he had initially packed just for you (you insist for him to join you).

on the less busy days, you both might even go for a walk by liyue harbor, taking in the stunning view of the ocean amidst the work on the docks

another spot you both would frequent is the path to the golden house, which might be a harder trek, but the views of the mountains as well as the history scattered around is very much worth it.

early on in your relationship, he already took note of your affection for certain dishes, so now he knows which ones to cook when you come home feeling celebratory, fatigued, frustrated, or just sad.

he lulls you to sleep (cuddled together ofc) with some old liyue tales and folklore, forehead kisses every now and then.

expect a lot of road trips along liyue or even to other nations. he wants to experience teyvat, now that he isn’t very preoccupied being an archon, and he wants to experience it with you.

even if it's just for a weekend, he makes sure that it’s something you’ll both treasure.

while on these trips, your favorite pastime is just taking candid pictures of him; they either turn out absolutely stunning and jaw dropping…or just plain goofy

“hehehe…” “what are you giggling about, my love?… oh. wonderful picture nonetheless ,my darling, though i apologize you caught me at a bad moment.”

you sighing at him in content, as he recounts his own experiences about the location you’re both visiting.

since, he’s always recounting to you his experiences in the past, you make it a point to introduce to all the newer advances in the world… whether it be technology or gastronomical breakthroughs

“so you’re saying… they put a whole dango in this milk? and people drink it? that doesn’t sound very…” “healthy? yup, but the raiden shogun herself approves of it so…”

though it might not suit his tastes or its emergence into culture, he’s happy trying whatever you have to offer him.

you’ll also tell him the history and cultures from your own homeland! he’s gets very excited about it, because he’s always up for learning something new, especially when it’s something near and dear to you.

he just wants to spend as much time as he can with you; he of all people knows how short human life can be. he’s willing to spend it making sure you’ve lived a good one.

he’s been more silent than usual; you’ve been talking for a good 20 minutes now. he’d usually ask you questions or share his own insights from your sharing, but he’s been totally silent, only giving nods of affirmation. you pause your ramblings for a moment to check on him.

“dear? you haven’t spoken this entire time, i have to admit it is quite strange.”

he exhales softly, shaking his head.

“does it make you uneasy? i apologize, i was just… captivated by you.”

a blush spreads from your cheek to your entire face; he never did fail at making you feel like a middle-schooler with a crush. you hit his chest playfully, trying to play off your flustered state. he just giggles, admiring you under the golden sunset.

“zhongli!”

“it is only the truth, my love. it seems that everyday my love for you only grows stronger.”

diluc ♡

you’ve never seen lovesick, until you see diluc come home everyday to collapse in your arms.

he’ll often rant about rowdy patrons at the tavern or pompous businessman he had to meet that day, you just try to get him to a better place… or at least you try to.

“he annoyed me to hell, darling. he acted like he owned the place…” “but you do, dear. next time, you should just kick him out. don’t they know they’re keeping you from me?”

his embarrassed state is something he only lets you see… and well, cause. it just baffles him that you'd go to such lengths or say such things to demonstrate your love for him.

when you both have a day off, you both spend it around the estate, enjoying each other’s presence.

reading books in the library, baking a batch of cookies, picking grapes or braiding his hair. he absolutely craves these moments of normalcy, and you’re happy spending it with him.

braiding his hair is especially fun, because it gives you the opportunity to run a hand through his soft locks. you also steal a kiss or two on his neck.

if you two have a day or night out on the town, you can be sure that he might hold your hand a bit tighter or rest an arm around your shoulder the entire time.

it’s not that he’s necessarily jealous, but it's a small reminder for him that whatever he can face, he can face it with you.

so if a certain knight comes along, teasing him, he doesn’t feel at all embarrassed, because his love for you is nothing to be ashamed of.

but back to coming home, it's especially satisfying after spending a day with you. it’s a good kind of tired, the tiredness you’d feel from an overload of serotonin.

if he decides to go on some darknight hero business, you’ll be there to see him off and make sure he’s ready for whatever he might come across.

he’s even discovered a snack bar or two in his coat pocket.

bloody, bruised, or unscathed, you’ll be there to welcome him home. he’s told you to go on and sleep without him, but you’ve refused every time.

the first time he found you, he felt the guilt go straight to his head. you assured him you were fine though, and you’d only feel sorry if he wasn’t the last thing you saw before you slept.

if time and fatigue truly forbids it, you’re sure to find him in morning light, his arms around you.

he never wants you to worry over him… more than you already do.

to him, you’re the only thing worth coming home for, the only reason he’d want to come home in one piece. between all the loud crowds causing him a headache or bloody battles he’s fought, he imagines you waiting for him at the place he knows as home.

“oh my god.”

his voice is deep and almost shaky, seeing you reading a book and sitting at the edge of your shared bed. the sun was set to rise in an hour or so, but here you were, waiting for his arrival. he dropped whatever he was holding, not caring for the loud thump it made; he immediately brought his arms around you, the both of you softly falling to the bed.

“d-did you wait this long for me? you didn’t have to… i’m so-”

“diluc.”

you bring a palm to his cheek, guiding his gaze towards you. your eyes did look sleepy, but a lazy yet bright smile ran across your face.

“it doesn’t matter, my dear. i’m just happy you’re home, here, with me. that’s all that ever matters.”

kazuha ♡

you both compromised on a long distance relationship for the majority of your relationship, but when marriage came up, you knew you couldn’t keep it that way.

rather than him having to come visit you every few months, he gradually stayed longer and longer, until he truly did live in your own home… or well, both your home.

that didn’t stop his wandering ways though, in fact, he had a newfound goal to show you everything he had seen.

expect him to be taking up all your vacation days, planning a thorough and perfectly personalized itinerary.

if time allows it, you’ll even travel for a month or so, just wandering around, before coming back home.

when kazuha came back home, you’d always be there and make him feel at him. he was literally coming back from a long-winded journey after all.

he wanted to do the same for you, so he’d push through his fatigue to take care of you once you both return. he’d run you a bath and make some comfort food to help you relax.

sleeping in until tomorrow afternoon, your bodies lazily entangled with one another. if you even try to get up, he’s quick to pull you back down, encouraging you to rest.

“i’m not that tired anymore…” “hmm, well i still am, very much.” “okay, then let-” “i need you here though, else i’ll never get up.”

you know he’s exaggerating and simply being clingy, but maybe you should indulge him, as well as yourself.

when it’s back to business, you can expect him to be taking care of the house. he’s already decorated it in trophies and memories he’s brought back from his own adventures, but he focuses on showcasing the memories you and him have had.

he’ll also be passing time, writing poems about his life with you, or just you. you are his muse, after all.

the moment you come home, you can expect him to be clinging on to you, as if letting you go would mean that he would lose you.

after one particularly long day (you left without giving him kisses :( rip ), he just carried you in his arms to your shared bedroom. he didn’t let you leave until he showed you just how much he missed you (kisses and cuddles or something more suggestive oh my).

or you know, he’ll just tell you with all the poems he’s thought up while you were gone… maybe even through song, if he’s feeling especially heartstruck.

he realizes how you must’ve felt when he went on those months long journeys, so he’s trying to make up for it now.

he realizes how much he’s been missing you too, all those nights he spent alone feeling like something was missing… it was you.

“that was beautiful, ‘zuha.”

your head is snug against his chest, and your voices are pronounced against the night breeze, river splashing and crickets chirping. the tent kazuha pitched gives you the privacy you two very much deserve.

“the poem? the view? or… could you possibly even be talking about me?”

he smirks at his last suggestion, you can only giggle softly. you snuggle deeper against his touch, trying to etch this moment in your head.

“all of it, beloved. everything about you is beautiful. i…”

he only shakes his head, giggling right back at you. he welcomes your closeness, resting his head on your shoulder.

“all i do, all i see, all i am, they are only possible with you. you, my dear, are the most beautiful soul that i am thankful to be graced with.”

requests are open!! please do not reposts on other sites.

#genshin x reader #genshin imagines #diluc #zhongli #kazuha #genshin fluff #genshin impact #diluc x reader #zhongli x reader #kazuha x reader #airi.writes #airi.hcs

[unreliablesnake]

I shouldn't love you, yet here we are (Joel Miller x reader) - part 1

Summary: Years after your fruitless “Joel phase”, Tommy shows interest in you, and the playful flirting shifts into your first date. Joel isn't too fond of the idea of you dating his brother.

Note: This is gonna be a series with shorter and longer chapters. There's Tommy x reader stuff, but they won't last. Especially with Joel around. / I take full responsibility for mistakes and typos and stuff. I didn't proofread it. I'm so bad. / If you want to know when I post new stuff, follow @unreliablesnakefics and hit the get notifications button. I don't have a taglist.

Part 2

Warnings: afab!reader (will be relevant in later chapters), dbf!Joel, age gap (reader is around 30, Joel is in his early 40s), no outbreak, I fucked with time and this takes place a few years after the beginning of the game, not the series. (So it's the mid/late-2010s)

Despite moving out to an apartment in downtown Austin a few years ago, you still visited your parents every weekend, sometimes staying over in your room for the night if they invited some people over and you had fun. This was one of those Saturdays when your dad turned on the grill and held a good old barbecue party in his home for a few friends, some you hadn’t seen in months.

The Millers came over too, of course. Joel and Sarah lived a few houses down the street, while Tommy usually tagged along because why not. Your father loved them, especially the older Miller, but you were more interested in his brother with whom you had been flirting with back and forth for months now.

“I swear your dad’s burgers are the best in town,” he said with his mouth full. He wasn’t wrong; your dad was a chef in a very good restaurant so he definitely knew what he was doing. “You sure you’re not hungry? I’ll give you a bite if you want,” he offered.

“He tested a new recipe on me for lunch. I’m full, trust me,” you replied with a laugh as you sat down next to him on the sofa, sitting so close that your thighs brushed.

Tommy didn’t even flinch. It was oh-so-natural for the two of you by now, like you had already been dating for a long time. But it wasn’t the case, for some reason he hadn’t asked you out yet. It hurt your pride, sure, but you assumed he just wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted. You were giving him the signs to make him understand you were ready, but he just wasn’t picking up on them.

Out of the corner of your eye you noticed Joel talking to your dad, and for a moment the both of them turned their attention to you. While your father flashed a smile at you, there was a look on Joel’s face that you couldn’t quite decipher. It was as if he disapproved of what was happening between you and his brother, but at the same time there was something else, something closer to disappointment. Not the kind when you’re disappointed in a certain someone, more like when you’re disappointed in a situation.

If it even made sense, that is.

Taking a deep breath, you tore your gaze away from them and turned to Tommy instead. “What are you doing tomorrow?” you asked, hoping he would finally get the hint.

“We’re taking Sarah to the zoo,” he replied without hesitation.

“Oh,” you said disappointedly.

But then he put down his now empty plate and turned to look at you. “Why?”

“I just thought you should come over. You know, we could order something to eat and watch a movie or something.”

Or something. As in him finally making a move on you and the two of you getting stuck in your bedroom for the rest of the night. That would make you feel good, especially since you hadn’t slept with anyone since this flirting with Tommy began. Whether he was seeing women during this time was a mystery, but you sure as hell didn’t want to complicate things in case he suddenly admitted his feelings for you.

He watched you for a while in silence, the gears in his head clearly turning as he thought about your suggestion. Then he stood up and your heart sank. Was he leaving you behind like this? Did you say something wrong?

But he smiled down at you eventually. “I’ll check with Joel and Sarah if they can manage without me,” he said with a wink.

With a laugh you waved him goodbye and wished him luck, then watched as he caught his brother and niece who were talking to your parents. They were out of earshot, so you had no idea what they were saying, but at one point your mom said something to Tommy that made him put his hand on the back of his neck nervously, and you didn’t miss the way Joel’s jaw tightened all of a sudden as he glanced over at you.

Your mom had noticed the flirting between you and Tommy a month or two ago, and she had been supportive since the beginning. “He’s such a nice guy,” she said happily. So this is why you wouldn’t be surprised–and be totally mortified–if she had suggested it would be a date. That would explain the younger Miller’s reaction, but Joel’s? Not so much.

A few years ago you would have given everything to be noticed by him. He was the gold standard; a nice and hardworking man who was also a dedicated and good father. Your dad had once made a comment that you should date someone like him, not some idiot who was only thinking about partying.

But despite your best efforts to get his attention, Joel always kept his distance. You were hurt a bit, but soon accepted that he just wasn’t interested in you. Hell, as far as you knew from snippets of your parents’ conversations, he hadn’t really been interested in anyone since the divorce.

Years passed and lately Tommy took an interest in you apparently. You didn’t mind the attention, in fact you found it flattering, you just wished he would finally man up and tell you exactly what he wanted from you. Was it just innocent flirting? Or did he have other intentions?

So you waited and kept playing this game with him, hoping he would come around at one point.

“When should I arrive?” Tommy asked with a grin when he returned to you.

The two of you discussed the details, then you left to help your mom with a few things in the kitchen. She was watching you with a wide grin as she rested her hips against the counter. You raised an eyebrow, silently asking what she wanted to tell you.

“I’m so happy for you, sweetheart,” she said, earning a surprised look from you. “The date. Finally!”

“It’s not a date, mom.”

Laughing, she waved her hand and picked up a half-empty bottle of wine. “Well, after I planted the seed with an innocent comment, he sure believes it is,” she explained as she read the label on the bottle. “You’re welcome,” she added as she glanced at you for a moment.

A part of you was mad at her for meddling in your private life, but at the same time another part was happy she made him realize what he wanted. In the end the latter part won and you hugged her tightly while saying thank you over and over again. She laughed at this as she rubbed your back with her hand.

In the rest of the evening you chatted with other guests, happy to meet some people you hadn’t seen since you graduated from college. Your mom’s friend from high school, the one who moved to Seattle a few years back, said you were glowing, and you told her it was because you were truly happy with your life right now.

As the guests began to go home, Tommy and Sarah also lined up to leave, much to your disappointment. But Sarah had to wake up early the next day for some reason, and his uncle offered to take her home and keep her safe until your dad and Joel talked some more in private.

You flashed a sad smile at Tommy, who pulled you into a hug and placed a soft kiss on the crown of your head. “See you tomorrow,” he whispered. “There’s one thing, though, a change in the plan. We’re going to the Six Flags Fiesta Texas in San Antonio with Joel and Sarah, so we’re leaving early in the morning. It’s gonna be fun,” he added with a playful smile.

No, it wouldn’t be fun. You didn’t tell this to him, of course, but this is how you felt. Did you love these places? Sure. Did you wanna go there with him? Of course, that would sound like fun. Would having other two people joining you on your date make it more fun? Absolutely not. You loved them, but you wanted to be alone with him.

“Sounds great,” you lied with a forced smile when you leaned back to look him in the eye.

They left, and as you were heading upstairs to hit the shower and get in bed, you bumped into Joel at the top of the stairs. It seemed like he tensed up when he noticed you, and for some reason you felt like you had done something wrong. Where was the nice Joel you had known so well? The one who would crack a terrible joke to start a conversation?

“Going to bed already?” he asked you, his brown eyes moving to his watch as he spoke. You nodded, deliberately not saying a word. “I’m glad you’re coming with us tomorrow.”

I’m not, you wanted to say. “Sounds like fun,” you lied once again. The corners of his lips curled into a smile as he carefully studied your face, but he remained silent, as if he was waiting for you to say something, to finally break the ice. “Why did you change the plan? When Tommy went to ask you if it would be okay if he came over to my place instead of being with you, the plan was going to the zoo, not to fucking San Antonio.”

Joel took a deep breath as he rubbed his face with his hand almost guiltily. “You two aren’t glued to me and Sarah, and it’s a big park,” he replied, knowing full well what he had done with his suggestion. “I’m sorry if I screwed up your plans, okay?”

“You’re right, it’s a big enough place for the four of us,” you said with a nod. “Good night, Joel.”

But when you wanted to walk past him, he grabbed your wrist and pulled you back. “Why him?” he asked quietly with a weird glint in his eyes. “You know what he’s like with women, I’m sure you don’t want things to be awkward once he gets bored of you,” he said with brutal honesty.

This was something you had already considered. Yes, Tommy was known for being a charmer who often looked for new challenges, but maybe you could change him. And even if you couldn’t, you were adults, you were sure you could handle it. “I’ll take the risk,” you replied quietly.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt, sweetheart,” he told you softly.

Feelings from six years ago emerged at his tone and the pet name. That was the first and last time he had talked to you like this, being this warm and nice and caring. That was the day you began to yearn for him, when you decided to try and get him no matter how bad it would be considering his friendship with your dad.

*********

It was after a friend’s birthday party. You were still living at home at the time, and you got home early in the morning, around three or maybe four. You were drunk, and completely forgot that Joel stayed with you for a few days because of some bug situation in their house. Tommy’s place at the time was too small for the three of them, that’s why only Sarah stayed there with her uncle.

You barely made it past the door when you felt like throwing up, so you quickly rushed to the kitchen and let the contents of your stomach end up in the sink. Your high heels were a little too loud, and Joel woke up to the sound, probably hearing you puke as well. Before you knew it, he was leaning against the counter next to you with his arms folded over his chest.

“You okay?”

“Does it look like I’m okay?” you asked, sounding a little ruder than intended. “Sorry, I just feel like shit.”

With a sigh, Joel reached over to pull your hair back when you threw up again. It was embarrassing and you wished you could just crawl into a hole and die. But you were here, and the older Miller was doing his best to help. When you reached for a glass to get some water, he was quick to stop you.

“Only take one sip every once in a while, okay?” he asked as he poured you some water. “You don’t wanna end up vomiting again.”

“Thanks,” you said as you took the glass from him.

“Did you have fun?”

You nodded without hesitation. It was a great party, and you told Joel some fun stories that probably didn’t sound so fun to an outsider. He wasn’t there, he didn’t know your friends, so he probably didn’t even care. But he listened, and it felt good to tell someone about your evening, knowing your parents would rather not hear your party stories.

There was something about the look in Joel’s eyes that you didn’t understand. Despite being drunk as hell, you could have sworn there was longing in there, something you definitely wasn’t expecting to see. But now that you took a good look at him, you noted once again how handsome he looked in the middle of the night.

“Go to bed,” he told you hoarsely before clearing his throat. “Can you get upstairs on your own?” When you nodded, he leaned over to place a soft kiss on your temple, then turned around to go back to sleep on the couch.

You remained there for a minute or two, wondering what this was all about. But then you felt your legs slowly giving in, so you went to your bedroom and slipped under the covers to get a few hours of sleep. Sleep with dreams that were full of Joel fucking Miller.

#joel miller x reader #joel miller #tommy miller x reader #tommy miller #the last of us #tlou #joel miller x you

[dreamerrgirl]

Chenford + pregnancy scare post canon!

Hi lovely anon!

First, I would like to thank you for being the first person to request a prompt from me; I'm honored! I hope this gives you everything you wanted and more! 😊

Lucy wasn't entirely sure how long she'd been sitting there, perched on the edge of her tub, the solid pink line of the pregnancy test staring back at her.

Not pregnant.

As soon as Lucy had finally gathered the courage to look, a myriad of emotions had run through her so fast she could barely keep up. First came the predictable relief, her breath rushing out of her lungs in one solid exhale. When she had made her New Years resolutions a few months ago, an unexpected pregnancy had definitely not been one of her goals for the coming year.

Next, came the feeling of freedom; knowing her body was still entirely her own, and nothing was going to interfere with her trajectory at work for the foreseeable future. Watching Harper, then Nolan, and finally Tim moving up in the department over the last year had motivated her to start thinking hard about her own next steps in her career, and a baby would only complicate that by tenfold.

But then, much to Lucy's surprise, a third emotion had floated to the surface, one that stayed with her long after she'd thrown the test away and drove over to Tim's for dinner.

Disappointment, with a hint of sadness mixed in.

As she sat at Tim's kitchen island watching him cook them dinner, she couldn't stop picturing what he would look like with a baby, their baby, cradled in his arms. He would be an amazing father, and the idea of him being the father of her children made Lucy's heart ache so bad it hurt.

While they had only been dating for six months, Lucy had known from the moment he kissed her in the food truck parking lot that she was head over heels in love with him. Honestly, this was Tim Bradford she was talking about, how could she not be?

Their relationship was moving faster than any relationship Lucy had ever been in, but every time she thought she would be freaked out by their speedy progression, it actually ended up being the exact opposite. Everything with Tim just felt so right, like it had always been meant to be.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Blinking, Lucy was startled out of her reverie, the corners of her mouth curving into a smile as she regarded the shiny penny that was being held in front of her face, Tim's curious gaze blurry behind it.

Gently taking the coin from his grasp, Lucy turned it over in her hand, debating with herself on whether or not she should tell him. If it had been anyone else, Lucy wouldn't think twice to lie about it, but she and Tim had promised each other from the start that they'd always be honest with each other, even when it was hard or scary.

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Lucy admitted, "I was just thinking about some, news, I got today."

"Is everything okay?" Tim immediately asked, brows furrowed.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Lucy quickly reassured him, reaching out to cover his hand with her own. "It's just- I thought I might be pregnant; I'm a few days late, and my stomachs been a mess, but I wasn't sure if that's because I was a few days late, you know? So I decided to take a test before I came over, just to check."

Tim stopped breathing, his gaze locked on hers.

"It was negative," she continued gently, watching his face intently as he processed the news.

She swore she saw something like disappointment flash across his face before he schooled his features back into place, his hand squeezing hers.

"Well that's good news, right?"

Her heart rate starting to rise, Lucy said, "Yeah, it is, this wasn't something we were planning for."

"But?" he asked softly, picking up on her hesitation.

"But, I also feel a little sad about it, which I wasn't expecting."

Tim was quiet for a few moments, Lucy's anxiety continuing to rise. Maybe she had shared too much; been too honest.

But then Tim was giving her a small smile, his thumb gently rubbing over the top of her hand.

"I know what you mean," he said, his gaze soft.

"Really?" Lucy breathed, hope starting to weave its way into her heart.

"Really," he said, letting go of her hand to walk around to her side of the island, his strong arms wrapping around her as he hugged her to his chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.

"You don't think we're going too fast?" Lucy murmured quietly, leaning back into his embrace.

Tim shrugged, his shoulders brushing the bottom of her ears. "I don't if you don't."

Craning her neck around, Lucy looked into his eyes, finding the love she was feeling reflected in his gaze.

"I don't," she answered softly, her eyes fluttering closed as he kissed her forehead.

"There's a few things I'd like to happen first before we throw a kid into the mix, but I also won't be mad if it happens before then."

"I don't think I will either," Lucy admitted, resting her head against his chest.

"Yeah?'

"Yeah."

"Well, while we're being honest with each other, I've had something I've been meaning to ask you."

Lucy spun around, his arms falling away from her body as she twisted the barstool to face him.

"Not that," he said with a chuckle, Lucy feeling a sense of relief wash over her. She wasn't sure she was ready to hear that question, at least not yet.

"I uh, I heard you grumbling the other week about how your lease is almost up, and how rent is going up for your building next year. And I was thinking, seeing as how we've barely spent a night apart since we started dating, I was thinking maybe you and Tamara might wanna come stay here, with me."

"Like, move in with you?" Lucy asked, her eyes searching his face.

"Yeah, I know it seems fast, but-"

"Yes," Lucy interjected immediately, a smile breaking out over her face.

"Really?" he asked, the surprise and vulnerability in his voice making Lucy reach out and kiss him.

"Really," she mumbled against his lips, cupping his face in her hands. "I mean, I'll have to talk about it with Tamara, see how she feels, but for me, I've been getting tired of all the running back and forth between your place and mine; it'd be nice to have a place that's ours."

Tim pulled back slightly to stare at her, his expression happier than she'd ever seen it.

"I love you," he breathed, leaning in to give her a soft, slow kiss.

The moment their lips parted, Lucy couldn't wait to tell him, "I love you, too."

#chenford #tim bradford x lucy chen #tim x lucy #tim bradford #lucy chen #tucy #the rookie #dreamerrgirl chenford fic #dreamerrgirl chenford drabble #chenford fic #random chenford drabble

[snifferish]

Sneafie Book Review: "Where the Dark Stands Still" by A.B. Porenek

Alright gamers that's right I'm posting book reviews on my tumblr, BOO! Jumpscare! Anyways I'm a spoiler free kinda guy here we go.

This week I read Where the Dark Stands Still by A.B. Porenek, this is a Young Adult Fantasy novel that leans slightly into the gothic genre. It's got a lot of Polish Folklore, It's kind of a beauty and the beast retelling? The author and the marketing has compared it to Howl's Moving Castle, which is why I originally took interest in it.

Personally, I gave this a four star rating, but on the Sneaf'o'meter of precision I'd say 73%

Let's get into the good and the everything else.

First off, If you like fun prose and description, this is for you. The Author's range of being able to describe something so beautiful and then transition to something grotesque and everywhere in between is wonderful. This ability comes into play frequently with how she describes the house in the story (which is sentient).

The magic system in this??????? Spectacular, I loved the concept. I've seen things similar to it, but it was so simple yet meaningful (AHH!). Probably my favorite part.

Another really prominent point in the marketing is the amount of Polish Folklore. There's a few specific spirits and demons referenced that are apart of it. I'm no expert on Polish folklore that's for sure, so I can't say whether it was truthful, or what the Author directly took from it. However I can say it was refreshing, new and I learned things :)

Okay sooo... Welcome to a segment called, why not five stars? I hesitate to say something is "bad" about about this book because I think it's really just preference at this point.

The exposition was normally paced but around the exposition into rising action area I felt like It was stalled. Really the book was just giving vibes left and right which is totally cool to some people, but because some information was withheld to certain points I felt like I was missing a lot of the foundation for the conflict and by the time I understood the conflict I was just like ahh, okay.

The romance plot within the story is pretty big, and to me it felt, okay. Just okay. I'll admit I'm a stinky gay that holds heterosexual romances to high standards so maybe that's why I wasn't so into it??? Again! I was so excited, I was thinking yes, it's like Howl's Moving Castle! and I just didn't get that. However, a lot of people who read this and reviewed it did get those vibes, so... not sure. Also, I think pet names just aren't my thing.... It's not usually something I find appealing in romance storylines.

Ultimately, I still really enjoyed this book. This is Porenek's debut novel, and I think it's very promising! Her writing style is excellent and I imagine she can only get better.

Also, this doesn't effect my rating at all, but I am begging fantasy Authors of all kinds to considering adding pronunciation guides. There where times I had access to my computer and I could look it up, but even then I don't know if google is telling me the right way to say it.

if you've read this I'd love to know your thoughts and if youre going to read it, well same, basically, do tell.

#snifferish #booklr #bookblr #book review #book recommendations #sneafie book review

[sorapluskimomi]

🍡 Andrew falling in love headcanons 🍡

Short notice: HIIII I decided to revamp my old Andrew headcanons and post them bc he's cute,,,

TW: slight mentions of body dysphoria

AND ALSO NOT PROOFREAD!!! So wonky grammar, srry I'm sleepy and lazy

🍥 I see Andrew as someone who genuinely wants to believe in people, but he's heavily traumatised to do so. Even a tiny sign of affection plagues his mind with doubts

🍥 And if he happens to fall in love with you, oh boy it'll take A LONG time for sure. He has problems with attachment and relationships in general. You have to be really patient for him to warm up to you. Expect it to be a slowburn from friends to lovers

🍥 Once the wall between both of you is crushed, he will become less skeptical and more clingy. Instead of harsh distrustful words, you'll be faced with soft and caring words. Even Andrew himself is surprised that he's capable of saying so to anyone but some cute brids from his graveyard (my boy really talked a lot with birds because they don't judge <\333)

🍥 Andrew wants to spend more time with you, but he doesn't want to seem annoying. Even when he feels like he's going to come of clingy, he still unknowingly gravitates towards you. Somehow he ends up in your room, on a bed, cuddling with you

🍥 Oh god he's SO TOUCH-STARVED! Really loves it when you kiss, hug and give a pat on his head. Andrew himself doesn't really initiate any physical contact, yet he lets his starvation run wild whenever you initiate the contact

🍥 Mainly show his love through actions, not words. Helps you with literally anything, makes small meaningful gifts and looks after you in general. He's not afraid to stand up for you whether it's against a hunter or fellow survivor

🍥 Also just imagine if Andrew made you your favorite meal awawawawww. Honestly I deem him as an average cook, but he'll try his best

🍥 Andrew really likes to sleep with you, it brings him a great sense of comfort and closure. He tends to have nightmares about his past, but with you this close they are less bothering

🍥 Andrew is of weak health since his birth, which also makes him really weak even to this day. Wounds stay longer, his skin is sickly pale even for an albino, his body is fragile and unhealthy thin (despite of his work). He frankly hated his body for being this way. He felt wrong, he felt unworthy of love. When you came into his life, it changed for the better. Your love made him accept his body the way it is <3333 He still has those issues, but he's slowly changing his way of thinking thanks to you

🍥 Really wants a matching outfit with you, but he's hesitant to admit it vocally 🎶🎶🎶

#idv x reader #idv headcanons #identity v #idv #andrew kreiss #s/o

[farfromstrange]

Chaos Theory | Michael Kinsella x Reader

Chapter 23: I Stay When You're Lost, And I'm Scared, And You're Turning Away

Masterlist ° Chapter List

Pairing: Michael Kinsella x Reader (she/her)

Summary: You just want to disappear.

Warnings: ANGST, depressive episode, panic attack, talk about suicide & suicide attempts, talk about self-harm, mention of self-harm scars; this chapter is heavy, so heed the warnings and take care of yourselves!

Word Count: 4.2k

A/n: I wasn't sure whether I should post this or not because it doesn't do much for the plot, but it does a lot for character development. This is very personal and I think it will be very personal to a lot of you as well. Still, be careful because these topics are not at all light. (also, check out my previous post from today if you like my writing, especially the angst and the spice, and if you're curious about my original work. I've linked a second blog for you to follow <3)

You surprisingly sleep through the night. You must have been so exhausted the night before that your mind didn’t have the strength or time to conjure up a nightmare before deep sleep took over. When you wake up though, reality crashes back in. And you know that’s when the actual nightmare begins.

Michael has his arm draped over your waist and his face nuzzled in the crook of your neck. He’s still sleeping peacefully when you open your eyes and the sun greets you through the thin curtains. 

Gently, so as not to disturb his slumber, you shift slightly to get a better view of him. The lines of worry that had etched his face are softened in sleep. 

You lightly brush your fingers through his hair, feeling the soft strands dance around your fingers. The sound of his steady breathing and the rise and fall of his chest against yours create a gentle rhythm that calms your anxiety. 

You are so close, your foreheads almost touch. 

“You’re starin’,” his groggy voice fills the room. 

You blush. You got lost in the sight of him, and you lost track of time. “Guilty as charged,” you murmur. 

He chuckles softly. “Knew it.”

“Can you blame me? You’re quite the sight to wake up to.”

Michael stirs, his eyes fluttering open. His gaze lingers on your face. “I could say the same ‘bout you,” he says.

His hand moves to gently caress your cheek, his touch tender and comforting. He draws circles on your cheekbone and your eyes flutter shut. 

“How’re ya feelin’ today?” he asks.

You take a moment to assess your emotions. You don’t understand what’s happening inside of you, you only know that you’re drained. Sleeping the whole day away sounds like something you wouldn’t say no to. At least when you’re asleep, you don’t have to face reality. 

“I don’t know,” you admit.

“That’s alright.”

“I guess I’m just…thinking a lot.”

“Is there anythin’ I can do?”

“Can you just–” you inch closer, “Hold me?”

Without hesitation, Michael wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer to him. His warmth envelops you. He’s laying on his side the same way you are, but your head still fits perfectly underneath his chin. You hold your arms to your chest; it’s a silent plea for him to wrap his arms around you as a cocoon would form around a caterpillar, and he does so.

He holds you tightly but gently as if he wants to shield you from all the worries and troubles that have been weighing on your mind. 

You tremble. The tears come suddenly and without warning, but they burn in your eyes, clog up your throat and make it impossible to control your emotions.

“Fuck,” you quietly curse to yourself.

The dam breaks and the wave crashes into you. Tears are streaming down your face and onto Michael’s white shirt. You want to apologize, but you can’t talk. Every time you open your mouth, a broken sob comes out, your breathing shudders and you feel your limbs growing heavy with pain. 

“Hey,” he whispers when he realizes that you’re crying. “What’s wrong?” 

Michael brushes his fingers gently through your hair, trying to ground you. But you struggle to find the words to explain what’s wrong because you simply don’t know. You feel as though you’re drowning in a sea of pain and sadness.

“I don’t know,” you sob. “It’s just…it’s too much.”

You don’t want to be awake. Right now, you don’t even want to be alive. You want to rot and never leave the house again. You want the world to end so you won’t have to worry about anything or anyone anymore. It’s such a selfish train of thought, but the demons are drilling into your brain, and if it weren’t for Michael, you would have run. You always do when you’re hurt. It’s a coping mechanism.

He shushes you. “It’s okay…”

You shake your head, unable to talk. Michael doesn’t know what else to do but hold you close as you cry. Your sobs pick up momentum and grow louder to the point you don’t know what air is anymore. You don’t know what’s worse, not knowing why you’re crying or feeling so consumed by pain and self-hatred, it consumes you whole and makes you cry even harder for the sole reason of making you cry. You’re not even having flashbacks, the emotions just burst out of you and there is no way to stop him. You didn’t dream, but you woke up and now find yourself in a living nightmare where everything has gone to hell. 

You wish you could go to hell so that just for one moment, you wouldn’t have to be alive. Just for a little while, you want to disappear. It’s not like you want to die, not at all, you just need a break, and if that means falling into a coma until things have calmed down around you, you would take that opportunity over anything else. 

The tears die down eventually. You’re not sure for how long you cry, but there comes a point where your body physically can’t produce any more tears and your sobs turn dry. You’re shaking, quivering even, and your body trembles in his arms, but as the tears subside, the air returns to your lungs in sync with his heartbeat. 

Michael reaches for the box of tissues on the bedside table and hands you one. You shift to blow your nose, drying the tears on your cheeks in the process. Laying side by side now, he can look at your face, and the helpless look in your eyes breaks his heart. 

He gently reaches out to touch your face again. He brushes a strand of hair out of your face that got stuck to the tears that already dried, and your eyes flutter closed at his soft touch. 

“Wha was that all about?” he asks, keeping his voice quiet because he knows how vulnerable you are, and he doesn’t want to sound like he’s pressuring you into anything. 

Whatever your state of mind is, you’re not capable of dealing with any more stress right now. He’d rather walk on eggshells around you than hurt you, even if it’s unintentionally. Michael knows better than that. 

You exhale through your mouth, your bottom lip trembling as a stray tear slides down your cheek. “I don’t know,” you repeat what you said before, calmer now. 

You cried all of the strength you had left out of your body and now you’re just empty. You can’t even feel the pain anymore, that’s how numb you are. Maybe you lost your soul and now you’re emotionless. And maybe that’s better. Like this, you won’t hurt anyone. Like this, you can’t be hurt. Once you’re broken, it’s irreparable. 

But you’re not broken, are you? You just have to look at Michael for the demons to get a slap in their faces. Still, it hurts so badly to be numb, the pain turns into a  thudding of guilt that feels like toxic waste on your skin. 

He alternates between stroking your cheek and running a hand through your hair. Your breathing steadies, but he continues. He gives you time. 

It all crashes down on you, and you realize what is happening to you. It happened once before. You got punished for it and you thought taking the easy way out would fix things, but it only made things so much worse. Even then, you couldn’t manage to escape. 

“Talk to me,” Michael says. “What’s goin’ on in that little head of yours?”

You sniffle.

“You can tell me anythin’. I won’t judge.”

You know he won’t. He’s the last person that would judge you for feeling a certain way, and he somehow always understands the scramble that is your brain. You’re not sure how, but he does, even when your words don’t make any sense.

You’re too tired to fight it. “I wasn’t doing so well as a child,” you confess.

He tilts his head a little to hear you better. “Okay,” he answers, signaling that he’s listening so you won’t misinterpret his reaction.

You gather the last of your strength before you continue. “I mean, I had to pretend I was okay, but I was drowning under the weight of pleasing everyone but myself,” you say. “I tried not to let my father’s words get to me, but I did anyway because I was a child and I believed what he told me. And eventually, I started hating myself the same way he hated me–” You take a deep breath to stop the burning sob in your throat. “I was in a bad place,” you say, “and…and I got very sad.”

Why is it so hard to say a single word? It’s not ‘sad’. That’s not what you’re feeling. That’s not the feeling that made you so miserable. 

His eyes soften visibly. His hand stops moving, but he continues holding your head. “Are you depressed?” he asks without missing a beat. 

Depressed. He doesn’t even play along, he says it as it is, and somehow the revelation hurts like a punch to the gut, rendering you unable to breathe. 

You shrug. It’s a loaded question that isn’t so easy to answer. You don’t even have an official diagnosis. Your therapist told you she thinks you have it, and that you have much more than that, but you never saw a psychiatrist for a clinical assessment because you were taught that asking for help is a bad thing. His words have stuck with you from the beginning, and it is hard to put down such an integrated mindset. You want to be strong, but you can’t always be. Perhaps that’s why you had been so delusional and dissociated from the reality of your situation for four years before Michael came around. 

“You don’t have to put a label on it, y’know?” His thumb resumes its circular motion on your cheekbone. “It’s okay to feel like shit sometimes. No need fer a reason.”

You shift to lay on your back, staring at the ceiling with empty eyes. “I used to hurt myself,” you state. “Because I thought things would get better. I used to, uh, get drunk before school…” You wipe your cheeks. “And I smoked a lot, more than I should have. And I did a lot of other things I’m not proud of. Things that would hurt me…”

“Oh,” it almost sounds pained as he moves a little closer, yet granting you your space. “Jesus, love, I–I didn’t…I didn’t know.”

How could he? You never told him. You never told anyone before him.

You don’t even have to say it out loud. He may know your body inside and out, but just like he hadn’t noticed the scar on your temple, he hadn’t paid much attention to scars other than your stretch marks before, and even those he didn’t consciously see. 

He takes your wrist into his hand and looks down on it. In the faint sunlight, it takes him a while to spot what he’s looking for, but when he does, his eyes close for a moment. You know that face; he’s trying not to cry, and it makes you cry again. Your tears must have recharged during those five minutes of not shedding a single one. It’s a new record. 

Instead of recoiling or looking at you weirdly like other men that picked up on your scars, Michael wraps his hand around your wrist and holds it close to his chest. 

“Did ya–” he takes a deep breath, “Did you ever think the world would be better off without ya?” he asks. “Like life wasn’t worth livin’ anymore?”

The rain of your tears turns into the size of a hailstorm. 

“Did you–” 

You can’t let him finish because then it will become real. “Yeah,” you whisper. “Once.”

One might think attempting suicide will end you up on suicide watch for quite a while and make it possible for a victim of abuse to get the help they need, and pull them from their abusive family indefinitely, but when there is no proof, they blame your distraught state on some kind of mental illness and try to numb you. 

You can’t talk, you’re a victim, so as soon as you get to go home, the cycle repeats itself from the beginning, and it only gets worse from there on. Not all systems are like this, but the one you fell into as a kid did work like it, and your father even managed to cut your stay in the psych ward short because “it was just a childish mistake”, and then he took his anger out on you at home, making your already shitty situation so much worse.

He doesn’t judge you. Michael wipes your tears, still holding your scarred wrist close to his chest, and then he finally speaks again. “I used t’ feel helpless too,” he says, his eyes meeting yours. Instead of pity, you only find empathy. “My father…given the circumstances, I think ya know tha he was a bastard,” his voice is barely above a whisper. “I’m a Kinsella. I was born into this family. So I thought I had no right t’ feel this way, ever. ‘Cause I was told to always be strong.”

“What happened?” you ask. 

“I just couldn’t deal anymore, and I thought it’d be better if I wasn’t here anymore. Y’know, just for a little while, I thought...”

“Being dead is better than being miserable?” It’s not often you find the right words when it comes to your feelings, but you seem to hit the nail right on the head with this one. 

The tear that escapes his eye and slides down his cheek lands on your index finger as your hand softly caresses his face. He nods. You don’t know what to say. It sounds so familiar and yet your lives couldn’t be different, especially the trauma of your respective childhoods you both had to endure. And even though he claims he wasn’t alone, deep down, Michael has always felt that way because he always had to somehow function, no matter the context. 

“I didn’t try,” he tells you, “but I was very close to doin’ it. I can’t tell ya why I didn’t do it, so I can’t give ya the moral of this story, but…but maybe you see that yer not alone. There’s a lot of people that feel this way,” he says. “Your pain is real. And the world wouldn’t be better without ya in it ‘cause then I would have never met you. That’s somethin’ I can’t possibly imagine.”

You whimper. His words hit deep. 

“Hey. You’re good, my love. And you deserve t’be loved. You survived somethin’ horrible, and that shows how strong you are.”

You open your mouth, but your voice breaks before you can speak. 

“Shh–” Michael bridges the gap between you. 

He pulls you back into his arms, your head resting just underneath his chin, your leg draped over his as your weight now rests almost entirely on top of him. You nuzzle your face into his chest, inhaling his scent, and your sob turns into a whimper. 

His hand comes to rest on the back of your head. “I’ll just hold ya ‘till you feel better,” he says. 

“But I don’t wanna burden you,” you whisper. 

“You could never burden me.”

You choose not to fight this time. Instead, you let him break your fall with his arms, resuscitating you with a simple touch and making sure you don’t fall apart. 

You’re not sure when you fall asleep, but the soothing motion of his fingers in your hair causes the exhaustion to break into you like a tidal wave. Michael looks down to find your eyes closed and your breathing steadied, and he grabs the blanket to drape it back over you. In response, your fist closes around his shirt, clinging to him like a lifeline. 

A few hours pass by. You’re dead asleep in his arms. If it weren’t for your shuddered breathing every once in a while, he would have gotten worried, but you were so out of it, he doesn’t blame you for falling back asleep. 

Michael stares at the ceiling, rubbing your arms and back, and occasionally moving on to your hair. The room is quiet. He rarely gets moments like these, and while you are both hurt, he cherishes this moment with you. At least here, you’re both as safe as you can be, holding on to each other. 

When his phone rings, he almost smashes it. You stir, and he can tell you’re on the verge of waking up. He covers your ear, whispering something along the lines of, “Shh, it’s just a dream.” You believe it.  

His phone has been blowing up with texts from his family for hours, so he silenced them. He must have forgotten to do the same for calls. In a moment of desperation after seeing Birdy’s name pop up, he turns off his phone completely. 

Looking down, you’re more than peacefully asleep, and he leans down to kiss your forehead. He needs to focus on you, and he needs to focus on the meeting with his solicitor that he had to reschedule for the second time due to life throwing bricks his way continuously and making it impossible to be on time for anything. Now Jamie is dead, and he neglected Anna’s case because life has been so goddamn messy lately. 

Michael gently brushes a strand of hair away from your face. He wishes he could shield you from all the pain and confusion, but life is rarely that simple. All he can do is be there for you, and he somehow has to make sure he doesn't forget himself along the way. 

For now, though, he decides to let you sleep. He continues to hold you close, his fingers gently tracing patterns on your back.

The room is quiet, and the world outside feels distant. In this moment, it's just the two of you, and even though nothing is the same as it was, you have each other and that is at least some sense of familiarity that gives you both a sense of direction. It doesn't help you to decide what to do, and it doesn't stop Michael from thinking about what's right and wrong and what he is willing to sacrifice for love and family, but it gives him hope that you'll be able to face it together as a team rather than apart. At least like this, he can keep you safe. 

The circus is over. You lived years pretending everything was okay because for once in your life, you had a plan. You had control over your life. But your plan was never really a plan and more of a dream you didn’t know how to fulfill, but you pretended you did. 

You put smiles on people’s faces in the café in the hopes you would be seen. You wanted to be entertaining, someone people liked because no one ever did before. Sarah came into your life and she’s ever since treated you like an equal. She’s your friend. 

For a long time, you thought you had to fight for it, and you still do because she still doesn’t know the truth, she only knows the picture she painted of the person you pretend to be on the outside to people who don’t know you. She knows you, but she also doesn’t. Michael does, but there is no one else but the man who caused you this pain in the first place and the rest of your immediate family who knows who you are and what you’ve been through, and their perceptions are very different. 

The life of the party you pretended to be is gone. You’ve returned to the same sad and empty shell you were before you moved to Dublin, something you tried to avoid by leaving in the first place, but you didn’t heal. You didn’t allow yourself time to work through your issues. You didn’t show the people around you who you are and the different colors that reflect off the mirrors of your soul. You kept spinning, but you were locked in a cage. 

With Michael, you allowed the broken bird to break free. You can’t fly yet, but he has made it his mission to try and fix your broken wings so you can be free again. There is no one else that could understand you quite like he does, you think, and it makes you wary of telling Sarah or anyone else the truth. 

Birdy called you an enigma before, and maybe she wasn’t entirely wrong about that. You even are a stranger in your own body. 

Michael busies himself with untangling your hair when you suddenly roll off of him in your sleep. He pouts. Your warmth leaves him, and you take the blanket with you. 

He inches closer, slides back under the blanket, and hugs your body close to his from behind. He should probably set an alarm, but it’s still morning and you could both use some more rest, even if it’s just him lying in bed with you and listening to you breathe as you sleep. 

With each passing moment, each rise and fall of your chest and steady beating of your heart, he finds himself falling more deeply in love with you. You entrusted him with all you have and all you are, and he vows to hold it dear to his heart, protecting you with his life. He won’t shatter your heart because he knows you would never do the same to him. Not anymore, at least. You’ve come too far to give up now. At least you have each other.

He brushes a gentle kiss against your neck. You let out a soft noise, snuggling further into the pillow under your head. 

Michael chuckles, nuzzling his face in your neck and inhaling your scent which is now a mixture of the laundry detergent he uses for the sheets, his cologne, and the natural smell of your skin. 

“I love ya,” he whispers into your ear. 

You’re still asleep, but that doesn’t stop you from smiling at his words. 

The sky outside opens up and the rain soon starts to patter against the window. While a storm is raging outside, Michael keeps you warm in his arms, and you allow yourself to rest for a few more hours before having to face whatever else the day has planned for you. 

He lets you sleep the whole day. You’re well aware it’s bad for depression, but you just need a day to rot, and Michael doesn’t leave your side throughout. He tries to get you to eat when you wake up, but you’re not hungry. You feel like you’re stuck in a ball of cotton and you can’t get out. 

And then it happens. After moving, you had a rough time adjusting, and you’d get these panic attacks in the middle of the day before your mind would conjure up a picture of your father or project the words he used to say to you into your mind, and it triggered your fight or flight response. 

You sit up. It feels as if a rubber band has wrapped its claws around your soul and is contracting the muscles that are keeping you alive. You press a hand to your chest. Your heart is hammering. The sensation only makes it worse, and your skin tingles, making you want to scratch it all off while struggling for breath. 

Michael is by your side in seconds, his eyes filled with worry. He moves closer to you, gently placing his hand on your back, trying to provide some comfort and stability.

“Hey, hey, it's okay,” he says, his voice soft and soothing. “I'm here. You're safe.”

He watches you carefully, trying to gauge the best way to help you. He knows a thing or two about seizures and panic attacks, but yours are different from his. 

“Focus on your breathin’,” he says. “Take slow, deep breaths with me. Inhale... and exhale. That's it. You're doing great.”

You try to focus on his voice and his steady breathing, trying to listen to his heartbeat as his hand gently rubs circles on your back. The storm outside rages on, but the only thing that matters to him is helping you find some peace.

As you begin to steady your breathing, the tightness in your chest starts to ease, and the tingling sensation subsides. You can still feel the remnants of anxiety lingering, but it's more manageable now.

When you’ve calmed down enough to accept physical contact again without feeling like you’re on fire, he pulls you back against his chest. 

“I’m sorry,” your murmur. 

Tears are flowing freely from your eyes, but you’re too tired to care. 

“You have nothing ta apologize for,” says Michael. He rubs your shoulders. “Just know I’m here for ya.”

You can only muster a faint, “Thank you.”

So, you stay like this for a little while longer, until it’s getting dark outside and Michael urges you to take a shower. Then, he finally tucks you back into bed, and you don’t feel so bad for closing your eyes anymore because he settles in beside you and you know he’ll fall asleep with you.

The texture of his beard against your bare shoulder offers a welcomed distraction, and it doesn’t take much longer for your eyelids to flutter. You can hear him whisper, “I love you,” again, but his touch pushes you over the precipice of sleep before you can say it back. 

Tagging: (let me know if you want to be tagged, too!) @bellaxgiornata @mattmurdocksscars @ms-murdockswift @your-not-invisible-to-me @shouldbestudying41 @glowstick-lesbian @acharliecoxedfan @roseallisonparker @norestfortheshelbywicked @1988-fiend @loveroftoomanyfandoms @mattkinsella @schneeflocky @harperdoodle @ravenclaw617 @lunaticgurly @mattmurdocksstarlight

#tw: mental illness #michael kinsella x reader #michael kinsella x you #michael kinsella x female reader #michael kinsella angst #michael kinsella #kin amc #reader insert #chaos theory #charlie cox

[bylertruther]

That comment was so true, I was just thinking the same way. Old bylers were more open to criticizing the show's bad aspects and writing choices instead od trying to bend the whole thing to come up with excuses and explanations. Nowadays when you criticize a writing choice or something done by the Duffers you automatically get accused as if you've just committed a crime because how dare you think the Duffers aren't perfect genius writers that put everything intentionally without any mistake.

yeah! nowadays, in this corner, criticism is seen as a bad thing that you would never do to something you enjoy, and it's like... huh? it's okay to not enjoy something 100%. the duffers and co are not infallible and people don't have to like every decision they've ever made. that shouldn't even be something that someone on the internet has to say—existing as a human being in the world should've taught everyone that back when they were a baby.

even beyond that, as others have mentioned in other conversations, you can understand someone else's viewpoint just fine and still not feel as though there's enough relevant evidence to back it up, and feel hesitant because of how the duffers have consistently handled other plots.

like, personally... i struggle to be one of those #believers, because of how present the show's racism is in my mind. also, season three and season four are right there, alongside the show's misogyny and classism, too. and don't forget the little inconsistencies and anachronisms either! there's A Lot that i don't like and that i feel could've been corrected or reworked more effectively had they had a more diverse writing room or consulted others during the writing process. i like the general direction of the show, but there are a lot of details or ways they went about it where i'm like ://// man..

and.... controversial perhaps... but i feel that behavior is especially rampant in the byIer fandom and it manifests as the fanon that we can't seem to shake off.

mike does pay acute attention to will in some ways, but he's not the obvious lovesick, clingy, forever doting, golden retriever bf that people make him out to be [shout out to s2 mike tho he was built different 💔]. that fanon!mike is fans overcompensating for canon mike's behavior and presentation, which honestly has not been that fucking great as of late, purposely because he can't balance having both will and el in his life, among other mike-specific reasons, and because the duffers changed the way they wrote him post-s2. he does care about and love will, but not like many fans suggest, at least not yet.

but if you say that around here, you're seen as a freak weirdo mike hater talking about some ooc mike even though the show is right there and i could point to the 9384038049 times that mike forgot about will, brushed him off, was mean to him, or explicitly chose someone else over him. purposely! of his own volition!

and it also shows in how they babygirlified him, even though mike doesn't act like or look like that at all in the show, nor has he ever been described that way by anyone, whether in-universe or by the people that bring him to life.

And Don't Even Get Me Started On Will. Zon't.........

they had to recreate these new characters with mike and will's names and faces, because they didn't like what was on the screen. simple as that. but will they ever admit it? lmao.

as a fan of the show, and a fan of these characters and the stories they're representing, it's really weird to witness. there has been a distinct shift in the way in-fandom bylers talk about byler and the show and it started post-s2 when things started happening that they felt they had to correct. if they want to engage with the material in a way that best suits their tastes, fine. whatever. literally everyone does that. but to insist that the things that they say that go directly against canon or don't even exist within it .... are canon? and that everyone else using direct lines from the text are the ones projecting or twisting it or otherwise not appreciating the material? i have to laugh.

it's the same with other serious criticisms. if they can't create something to justify it, then they just brush you off as a hater because that's easier than acknowledging that maybe their precious bloated ensemble show isn't entirely perfect.

#asks #everything has flaws and is not meant to be liked by everyone on planet earth and pointing any of that out isn't Bad or Hateful #i kno this was mostly general but i catered my response more towards My wheelhouse bc well. points at my url <3 #i love when ppl criticize things bc i think a willingness to interact with smth and dissect it in this context often comes out of love #and the frustration you feel bc it COULD have been better and you WANTED it to be better and so you look for where it went wrong to #better understand or make peace with it. like a lot of sw fans don't like a lot of the sw content tht gets shat out by disney but they stil #love the world n engage with it bc of tht love. the love of what it Could be and what was. etc etc etc

[welcometololaland]

Pls don't judge banner, I'm gonna come up with something better for the actual fic!

WIP WORKING WEEK DAY 4: WHEN IN ROME AKA EUROTRIP AKA EUROTRASH. I had to do 49 sentences - unsure how many this is but enjoy! Tagging @rmd-writes and @clottedcreamfudge for interest and noting that the first chapter of this mammoth fic is due to be posted in mid to late September. Also, @athousandrooms VERY KINDLY took a commission to do some art for it, so it's coming together like the RWRB fic of my dreams right now! Avengers, assemble!

Henry is being weird. Alex knows this, despite having met Henry fairly recently. He also knows that they’re both completely aware of the fact that Alex was two seconds away from making out with Henry’s stupidly beautiful face yesterday, before Henry had the audacity to swim away from him.

If there’s one thing that Alex isn’t super fucking great at, it’s dealing with rejection. Instead, he decides to be incredibly immature about it.

The previous morning he had practically dragged Henry out of his twin bed, eager to get going on the Azure trail. This morning, he sulks, pulls the covers over his head and refuses to come out, even when it becomes apparent that Henry has gone on an early morning adventure to the local bakery and the bread smells amazing.

Also, Henry has coffee, which is basically vital for Alex’s survival.

Still, Alex can barely stand the sight of Henry – all stupidly soft, blond hair, pink lips and kind blue eyes – because all it does is remind him of how much he’d love to mess him up. In hindsight, Alex can’t quite believe he ever thought he was straight. It all seems so obvious now.

He eventually emerges from the bed and makes his way downstairs, squinting at the sunshine already streaming through the huge wall-to-ceiling windows. This house is kind of insane – definitely the nicest place Alex envisages staying on this trip – and he feels guilty that his first thought was that he doesn’t feel too bad about making Henry stay in a hostel. Without it, he doubts Henry would ever have seen the inside of anything less than a five star hotel, so it was probably character building. 

He has questions, mostly about who the fuck Henry’s grandmother is and why she loves Brené Brown so much, but he can tell Henry is hesitant to talk about it. Alex counts this as a win for his emotional intelligence – something June has in spades and loves to claim Alex completely missed – and wonders whether the Instagram influencers are right. Perhaps travelling the world does change you.

In any case, it’s not changing Alex’s mind on Henry. He’s irresistible and Alex can’t stand the sight of him.

“Good morning, Alex,” Henry says politely from behind the expansive kitchen counter, looking up from his phone as he puts the piece of bread he’s eating down on the plate in front of him. “Sleep well?”

Alex makes a non committal noise in reply and deposits himself onto a bar stool opposite, reaching out to claim the untouched coffee next to Henry’s right hand.

“Wait,” Henry says abruptly, pulling the coffee back out of Alex’s reach. “You can tell me what’s bothering you first.”

Alex scowls. “It’s fucking early and you’re holding my coffee hostage,” he groans. “I need that.”

Henry raises one perfectly arched eyebrow. Alex spirals about it, then wonders what the fuck is wrong with him. It’s an eyebrow. “Then I suppose you’re lucky I bought you one. Come on. Out with it.”

Alex’s under-caffeinated brain goes through a variety of scenarios in a surprisingly short amount of time. He could be honest – he wants to be honest, wants to know why Henry doesn’t want him – but at the same time, he has another three weeks to kill in Europe and if he makes things awkward now he might be alone for most of them. He likes Henry – way more than he cares to admit to himself – and he doesn’t particularly want to give him up.

“Christ,” Henry breathes, drawing Alex’s attention, and when he looks up, there’s a soft expression on Henry’s face. “You look tortured.”

“I am tortured,” Alex protests, leaning into the sympathy. “I’m severely under-caffeinated and if I don’t get my hands on that coffee in the next—”

“You’re impossible,” Henry says, but even as he rolls his eyes, it looks fond. Alex has to bite his lip to stop himself from grinning. The coffee gets passed over without further interrogation.

#eurotrip #eurotrash #when in rome #WIP working week #red white and royal blue #rwrb #rwrb fic #red white and royal blue fic #rwrb au #wip #working in progress #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #this fic is my baby please be nice to it #YAY #eurotrip snippet #lolaland snippet

[crossdressingdeath]

I really hope that TSatS features Nico and Will having so many issues around being complicit in Octavian's death, and Nico in addition having so many issues around killing Bryce. On Octavian's end these are children complicit in a gruesome death; necessary or no, that sort of thing's going to stick with them! Especially since as far as we see they never tell anyone about it (Nico might have told Dionysus during their therapy sessions, but as far as I can remember that's not confirmed), which means the only people they can discuss the whole thing with is each other. ...Or I guess Michael Kahale—assuming he's still alive post-ToA, since that's not actually confirmed—but I feel like the understanding between him and them is probably that they Do Not Acknowledge It, assuming they ever see each other at all. Anyway. I'm sure being able to share the weight of what they were part of between the two of them would help, but... well, sharing the burden of being a teenager traumatized by your part in a brutal death with another teenager traumatized by their part in said brutal death is only going to do so much. And I feel like more specifically the fact that Will is a healer would make the whole situation so much worse for him; knowingly standing by and letting someone die knowing he could easily save them would be hard for any hero, but for someone who's dedicated to healing people? Yeesh.

And of course on top of that... Bryce's death is a really cool and dramatic scene that goes way harder than I'd expect a children's book to go, but it's also absolutely horrific. Partially because Nico turns him into a ghost with zero sign of hesitation and that is so much, but I feel like for Nico partially because he doesn't remember it. Like, the fact that he has no memory of killing Bryce gets glossed over in BoO, but he turned a guy into a ghost with no hesitation or mercy and he doesn't remember. He was really angry at Bryce for threatening Reyna, and the next thing he knew the guy was dead (and he'd been knocked out for three days). He has no idea how he did it or even what he was thinking at the time! He was either out of control of his own actions or he wanted to kill Bryce, and he has no way of finding out which. That would be a terrifying thought: either he's a willing murderer (while him killing Bryce was to save Reyna and Hedge and I fully agree with it, it was absolutely murder in a way Octavian's death isn't, Bryce was completely powerless and begging for mercy by the end there) or his powers can hijack his body and push him into doing things that he would never do of his own free will, and he'll probably never know which. Which does beg the question of if anything could set him off like that again, which I feel like is something that would weigh on Nico. I'd love to see him admit that he's actually really scared that something will push him over the edge again and either he'll lose control of his powers and kill someone else or (possibly worse) discover that he was in control when he killed Bryce and did it because he wanted to. Now, I don't think Nico could turn someone into a ghost just like that, my theory is that it was only possible in Bryce's case because Bryce was threatening someone he loved using a closely held secret (which Nico understandably took rather personally) and, more importantly, he was halfway faded out of the living world already; I doubt he could've done it if he hadn't been mostly full of darkness already or if he hadn't been overwhelmed with protective fury at the threat to his dear friend. But whether or not Nico knows that is unclear; I can see him being terrified at the very thought that it's possible that he could snap and kill someone again.

Basically given how TSatS seems like it's going to be largely about All The Trauma, it would feel like a huge failure on Rick's part to not go into how being responsible for Octavian's death absolutely would've fucked Will and Nico up, and also how directly killing Bryce absolutely would've fucked Nico up. If I'm remembering right, setting aside Luke's death—Percy and Annabeth supplied the weapon he stabbed himself with, but I wouldn't call them complicit in it the way Will, Nico and Michael are complicit in Octavian's death since it was entirely Luke's decision in the end—Will and Nico (and Michael Kahale but he's not important currently assuming he's even still alive) are the only protagonists knowingly and willingly complicit in another demigod's death, and Nico is the only protagonist to actively kill another demigod! I can accept them not talking about it in ToA, since "Hey, we're super fucked up from the deaths we caused/played a part in and we don't know what to do about that because we're kind of sort of murderers before the age of eighteen and that's really not the sort of thing you just tell people" isn't something to drop on Will's suddenly-sixteen-and-mortal godly father without warning during a serious crisis situation and I can't see anyone they might have told about it off-page spilling the beans without permission either and when it happened Apollo was already in deep shit and so probably not paying a lot of attention to what his kid was doing, so our POV character wouldn't know about it and wouldn't find out (I know he's aware that Octavian's dead, but unless I'm forgetting something—which is. entirely possible, I should reread ToA—he doesn't know the part Will and Nico played in it). But if it doesn't come up at all in the book told entirely from their perspectives, I'm... honestly gonna be pretty pissed!

#tsats #heroes of olympus #nico di angelo #will solace #if there isn't a moment in tsats where one of them snaps and just goes 'we are MURDERERS!' #(preferably in response to the other or both of them having moral qualms about something) #and they're both suddenly forced to contend with this thing that they've been trying SO hard to bury #then what is even the POINT #...actually if it doesn't happen i might have to write it because my GOD the angst potential #like you KNOW that even aside from bryce they both consider their part in octavian's death murder #(i don't know if it would count legally but they definitely THINK of it as murder. nico explicitly refers to it as such in boo) #(i guess it's possible will doesn't but i'm pretty certain he does even if he does seem to understand why they had to do it) #and who can they tell about that? how do they even BEGIN to raise that topic? #how do you tell your friends that you knowingly and willingly killed someone even indirectly? #ESPECIALLY given the greek demigods generally seem to frown on killing even enemy demigods #or at least it's not the Generally Done Thing #oh god i'm having so many emotions about the boys thinking they're murderers for their part in octavian's death #send help

[theearlgreymage]

It is yet another Six Sentence Sunday, and I have only two more Sunday's until break. The freedom is close. I can taste it.

Thankfully, these last two weeks should be a breeze and I can get back in a more regular groove with writing.

Maybe.

Here's hoping at least.

Hello to the wonderful @artsyunderstudy @nausikaaa @aristocratic-otter @confused-bi-queer @rimeswithpurple and @ic3-que3n for tagging me despite my lack of posting lately. You are all amazing <3

Despite my quietness, I have been tapping away at a couple of different projects. So, enjoy six series of six sentences --

COBB Project #1

She’s been making these excursions on her own every few months. Claiming them to be for her research, but I followed her last time. I saw the supplies she took, and didn’t bring back with her. We were outside Bristol when I lost track of her. Somehow she managed to lose all her supplies and beat me back to Watford.  There’s no way she managed that on her own.  But until she’s willing to admit the truth to me, I’m on my own with finding Simon.

COBB Project #2

Coward.  It’s the last word I’ll hear from him for a while as I step into the warm sunshine. While he can technically reach me beyond the Underworld, it is a lot harder for him to do. From what I can tell, it’s not worth the effort.  Not caring whether the chlamys around my shoulder gets dirty, I collapse onto my back into the grass. Letting the sun warm my chilled skin. 

A Gift for Someone

Nothing to see here. I wonder how many other students at Watford have used this spell for elicit sexual acts. How many students have had their trousers pulled down in the middle of the Great Lawn with none of us being the wiser? Of course, this isn't the Great Lawn - it's the back table in Astronomy that I'm crouched beneath. And it's not just any student who's trousers I'm pulling down eagerly. They're Simon Snow's trousers.

Another Gift for Someone

The snap of leather against leather sends a chill down my spine. I do my best to conceal it. The click of heeled boots on the wooden floor let me know that he's walking towards me, and still I fight the urge to shiver in anticipation. But when I feel the soft brush of the collar and warm press of fingers on my throat, I can't help but shudder. "Are you going to be good for me tonight?"

Something I'm working on in secret that may or may not see the light of day

Even if I’d come to accept myself more - feel more comfortable as my own individual person - I was still hung-up on the idea of having children that weren’t mine. It became an even bigger issue after Simon admitted to wanting a child. My mind became full of the impossible; of a small child with golden skin, freckles, dark hair, curls, and light colored eyes.  We thought it impossible, and set the topic off to the side. There were plenty of other things for us to worry over. My graduation and the wedding being the top two items on the list.

Chapter 4 of Infinity in Your Chest Pocket

This time, when I spot the movement out of the bedroom window I don't hesitate to leave the room. Fuck these wraiths. I'm not spending another night alone in a room with them. Baz can complain about me following him into the woods all he wants. It's not like he's doing anything all that secretive. We both know that I know that he's a vampire - one that has apparently never tasted human blood.

Tags and Hello's to Everyone under the Cut. Please know that I am eternally excited over everyone's projects and cannot get enough of the talent you all have. Also, I officially made a gosh darn spreadsheet to keep track of people for tagging!

@aroace-genderfluid-sheep @bazzybelle @bookish-bogwitch @buffy @captain-aralias @chen-chen-chen-again-chen @cutestkilla @ebbpettier @erzbethluna @facewithoutheart @fatalfangirl @foolofabookwyrm-activated @gekkoinapeartree @henreyettah @hushed-chorus @ivelovedhimthroughworse @ileadacharmedlife @ionlydrinkhotwater @j-nipper-95 @johnwgrey @krisrix @larkral @letraspal @martsonmars @moodandmist @mostlymaudlin @onepintobean @palimpsessed @prettylightsbigcity @raenestee @shrekgogurt @skeedelvee @stardustasincocaine @stitchyqueer @tea-brigade @theimpossibledemon @thewholelemon @upuntil6am @wellbelesbian @whogaveyoupermission @yellobb @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

#six sentence sunday #carry on #simon snow series #simon snow trilogy #wip #so many wips #simon snow #snowbaz #baz #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #baz pitch #all the fics #I just want to write #Why can't writing be my full time job #I need to be planning dinner #But instead I'm making this post

[1yyyyyy1]

don't know if you're taking a break on this blog, but your posts have helped me a lot and there is – ironically, i am sure some would say – something comforting in your writing and in the ways you express yourself. you have mentioned multiple times about your decision to remove from your life women who do not add anything to it. my question is: regarding relationships with women (platonic or not), how do you deal with loneliness?

i have always been a very introverted person, partially because i always knew there was something wrong with this world, even before i could name it. the more i grow, though, and the more i learn, my loneliness grows with me. it really does feel sometimes like we're the only ones in the fucking planet. the chances of us meeting one another are almost insignificant. i always knew men were empty but now i have to admit to myself that also every woman i know, see and talk to is a walking corpse. i am not interested in romance (i am a lesbian but too fucked up about sex itself and its implications), but part of me still wants friendship, in a way that my younger self did not.

is this also a thing you feel, from time to time? something you have encountered before?

As always, I am happy to know that my writing is helpful or even comforting in some way :) I know that these are some heavy topics I talk about on my blog and proving that they are not necessarily hopeless is what I care about. I am not on a break right now and I have actually been writing a lot lately, it's just that none of it is enough to wrap up even a single answer and I have been very frustrated by that. I'm still working on answering the messages in my inbox, even if it is something that was sent to me months ago, so please be patient with me.

Regarding loneliness, the truth would be that I'm a very solitary person and I tolerate loneliness or even isolation extremely well, to the point where I'm hesitant to give advice on how to deal with it to someone who is only slightly more sociable. I would be lying if I said that coming to certain realizations about women did not make me feel alienated at first because it did, and I used to be heavily bothered by the fact that the number of women who I had the potential to get along with was much smaller than I had anticipated, but ultimately I felt great relief after allowing myself to recognize that most women were harmful for me to be around and that I no longer had to pressure myself into socializing with them. The more pressing issue I was dealing with at the time was a "certain" ideology making me feel like I was stuck up or bigoted for wanting to distance myself from something that was clearly damaging to me, especially anything that involved obvious abuse and coercion. "Stuck up" for maintaining boundaries, figure that... Shutting down this line of thought alone was enough for me to start getting better and to move on to building connections that were actually productive for me.

I think that dealing with loneliness starts with discerning whether it is a temporary thing for you or a personal quality. You already mention being introverted, but I would take it even further and really allow myself to consider that it could be a genuine preference. Being confident in your introversion is a big deal because I know how unwell the world can make you feel for not being outgoing and how much people pathologize it! I myself used to wonder if my reclusiveness was some kind of trauma response that would go away once I met the right company and was more at peace with myself, which made me feel and act desperate when I look back at it. Nowadays I get a lot of positive interactions on here and I am on much better terms even with people in real life because I no longer get as frustrated by their worldview, but I still find myself in my own company more often than not because not being overtly social is where I am at my best.

With that said, I would not be where I'm at without my current friend circle and I genuinely attribute my mental stability to the friends I've made over the past year. I used to feel extremely unheard and alienated due to my fringe worldview and, having met like-minded people, this kind of isolation is just not something I struggle with anymore. To answer your actual question, I resolved my loneliness by making friends online and by recognizing that my social needs are met through less outgoing activities, like playing multiplayer games or curating an online blog; I was not going to figure this out without acknowledging that I am as reserved as I have always thought myself to be first, which is why I mention making peace with your introversion in the previous paragraph. Even if you end up being discontent with anything other than a long-term real-life friendship, talking to people online is still a good starting point that will give you a general idea for what it is like to be around someone with a similar outlook. I did feel infinitely better after connecting with like-minded women on social media (actually messaging them and interacting with their posts, not just reading or liking them) and it is one thing I recommend doing.

How weak or strong your sense of isolation is really depends on how far you are into coming to terms with the reality of this world's dynamics and there is a very high chance that you will be inconsolable at first, even with the right people in your life. I remember feeling down well into newfound friendships simply because such a major worldview shift was a lot to take in and I suggest not giving up on building connections with people even if it feels like nothing is working out for you. All in all, I choose to build friendships with like-minded women on the internet while maintaining more impersonal contact (professional or otherwise) in real life and I prefer to keep it that way.

#ask