#I can be v empathetic to specific individuals

[icedmatchatae]

Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say

Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader

Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut

Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.

Warning: This is a big one lol, heavy ANGST, flashbacks (including fighting you’re about to see how their friendship ended and guess who fucks up, crying, insecurities (self and relationship), mentions of the deceased, minor character death in the past), unhealthy life habits (a/n: pls don’t do this to yourself! Take care of your body/self-care)

Word Count: 17.5k

A/N: I would also like to point out that the story's first half is about understanding their relationship and gradually their individual lives. It goes back and forth between the past and present. Specific timeframes (like Taehyung as a trainee) will be mentioned but not all. As time goes on, things will start to unravel. BTW: when I say football, I mean soccer lol

Chapter IV: Everything We Didn't Say || Series Masterlist

You paced back and forth on the front porch as you played with your fingers to calm yourself. The clouds covered the cerulean sky and bright heating sun on a cooling fall weekend afternoon. Leaves shifted to their rustic tones, hardening to a crisp. Some tried their best to stick onto the trees while others fell elegantly, being done for the season.

As for you, you dressed extra special today and saved up some money for it as well. A brown oversized sweater over a muted green linen maxi dress paired with your old dirty pair of black shoes. You saved enough for the outfit but not the shoes. Your hair was half up, held by a scrunch that was the same color as your dress.

Though in one of your best attires yet, you waited anxiously for your grandparents to be ready. Well, they were already ready to go for the day but what was missing was Taehyung.

You’ve been waiting for almost an hour and called and texted him countless times, but he had yet to answer you. You told him months in advance, weeks, days, and literally hours before, and he still wasn’t here.

“Sweets, we have to go. We’re gonna be late.” Your grandmother informed as she saw your distressed state. Your lips were in between your teeth, not wanting to give up faith in your best friend. You blinked towards your grandmother as she could only smile empathetically.

“We have a long drive, ___.” Your grandfather came out of the house and locked the door.

You checked the time on your phone, an hour over the scheduled time. You sighed as you glanced over at the Kim residence, seeing no one was home. You frowned as you felt the tears attempting to come out. He was supposed to be there with you.

You nodded to your grandparents as you all walked towards the car. You and your grandfather loaded the back with baskets of food, a picnic blanket, flowers, and candles. Once you closed the trunk, you called Taehyung once more to which no avail so you ultimately accepted that he wasn’t coming.

Your family drove off the property and left Geochang for the time being as your destination was the Daegu City Cemetery where you spent almost the entire day there.

By the time you were back home in Geochang, it was already late in the night, ten at night to be exact and that was past your grandparents’ bedtime. All of you were tired from the day trip, more so you. You kept crying the ride too when you were at the cemetery and the ride from. It was a miracle you didn’t cry during dinner, but you showed you were upset.

Your grandparents—blessed their hearts—tried their best to cheer you up but it was rather difficult with a day like today and your best friend not being there with you. So they let you be and comforted you here and there.

As you unloaded the car, you heard footsteps pressing into the gravel and coming your way. You didn’t bother looking since you knew who it was and finally decided to show up.

“Blue!” Taehyung greeted you with a hug and a kiss on your head. Though this behavior was typical, it left a sour taste right now and you didn’t like it. Instead of hugging back, you pushed him away which surprised the boy. You glared at him before heading to your front door with the basket in your hands.

Your grandfather opened the door for you to come inside but Taehyung gripped your armand held you back. You tried tugging your limb, but he wasn’t budging. “Blue, what’s wrong?” He questioned. Confusion grew in his expression, not aware of why you were being like this to him.

“Nothing’s wrong, Taehyung.”

“Okay, something’s definitely wrong.” He disagreed, shaking his head. “You always call me Hyungie. Tae, when you’re annoyed or irritated. Taehyung, when you’re pissed at me.” You loved how much he knew you, but hated how much he knew you. 

You huffed as you gripped the basket. Your grandfather came next to you and took what you held in his hands. “I’ll bring these in, ___. Talk to Tae, okay?”

You scrunched your nose in displeasing, seeing how your grandfather had a soft spot for your best friend. He wanted you to talk it out, and you will but you’re just angry with Taehyung.

When your grandfather went inside and closed the door, you crossed your arms and leaned into one leg. “Where were you today?” You snapped, interrogating him right off the bat.

“No need for the attitude, Blue.” He mumbled, hating how you scolded him. “I went to the beach party!”

Your eyes widened in disbelief. “W-what?”

“Yeah, you know the second-year Lee Jungjae, our sunbae?” Your best friend mentioned. You didn’t know who he was, because you couldn’t keep up with Taehyung’s gazillion friends. “Well, he personally invited me to his birthday beach party. I had to sleep over at his house because we had to take the bus all the way to Pohang. It was tiring but so fun, like—”

“So you just went without me? Without me knowing?” You grilled him, your temper slowly thinning the more he spoke.

“I mentioned it to you the other day…” He reasoned, trying to defend himself. “But Jungjae Hyung didn’t say to bring guests because of the trip. I’m sorry—”

“I don’t care about the stupid beach party, Taehyung!” You yelled. Your cheeks burned hot with the frustration that built up and was ready to explode. “I don’t care about your sunbae, or the fucking trip, or how much you had fun!”

“___, why are you so mad? It’s not like you were sitting at home doing nothing. When I came back, Halmeoni said your family was gon—”

“Taehyung, we went to the cemetery in Daegu.” You interjected, your voice softened at the end of your sentence. “It was my parents’ tenth death anniversary.”

Then Taehyung’s confused and offended face morphed into the eye-opening realization that he fucked up. “That was today? Blue, I for—”

“I’m upset with you.” You told him. “You knew how important it was for you to be there.”

Due to the distance, time, and financial obligations, it was difficult to schedule a time to go visit your parents every year. Your grandparents had their shop and farm to manage and you were still in school as well as your grandmother had health concerns from time to time. The only thing you could do was put up a photo frame of your parents on the top of your dresser. 

As it was close to their ten years, you begged your grandparents to go to Daegu where they were buried. Reason being that it has been a long time and you would love to see them. Though they grew older and weaker by the second, of course, they did their part in making it happen. While doing so, you asked Taehyung to be there for you.

Since they died when you were so young, you had little memories of them. But with all you could remember, you told the stories to your best friend. You knew your parents would have loved Taehyung and he would love them. That’s why you asked Taehyung to come, not only for you and your support but for him to meet your parents for the first time and talk to them as if they were here.

Taehyung was stoked about the days coming to today, so it disappointed you when he said he has forgotten. But what hurts the most was that he chose his other friends over you.

Over time, this has been an issue between you two that was rather conflicting on your end. Though you knew how sociable Taehyung was from the second you met him, it made you jealous to see him hanging out with others. Of course, he always included you, but you knew at times, that you weren’t as welcomed.

You overheard peers whispering and murmuring why someone like Taehyung hung out with someone like you, quiet, awkward, and nervous. Some girls even tried to be your friend to get closer to Taehyung. That led to you confronting him about it and letting him have fun with his friends by himself. You reassured him that it was okay with you as you had his siblings to hang out with. It was a chance for Taehyung to reach his social butterfly status while you thrived with being a hermit. You certainly didn’t mind, but you envy those around Taehyung who were able to interact so easily.

Recently, he has been spending more time with older students after joining the football team. He has gotten popular when he went into high school. You were still in your last year of middle school as you were the same age as his sister. You loved how well he fitted into the crowd, but it felt like he left you behind and didn’t want to hang out with a recluse like you. You were considered a “kid.” You gradually became insecure about your friendship with him, worrying if you were meant to be his true best friend. You were so sensitive about it, so this stung way more than anticipated. That was something you never told him.

“I’m sorry, ___. I really am, I…” He apologized, but it didn’t work when he saw your eyes swell into tears and your chest bounce once you cried. “Blue, nooo.” He was utterly guilty, he wanted to embrace you and give you comfort but you rejected his touch.

“I-I w-wanted you there!” You wept with your palms covering your face. “I called you, texted you, and you didn’t answer.”

“Blue, please let me make it up.” He pleaded, making the chance to clutch onto your wrists and pull them away to see your teary face. He felt so ashamed that he was the reason you were crying. “Please, don’t cry. I’m sorry.” He replicated the tears you produced.

You shook your head as you wiped your face with your sweater. You brought back your wrists to your frame, gesturing that you didn’t want him to touch you. “I don’t want to see you right now. You hurt me today, I can’t.”

“___, no, please. I’m sorry.” He refused, not wanting your demand. You’ve never said that to him. Though he bugged the shit out of you almost every day, you always wanted to see him. He couldn’t live without seeing you or being with you. He didn’t want to leave you hurt by him like this, he never meant to harm you. “Don’t do this, Blue.”

“I just need some time away from you.” You responded briefly.

“But—”

“Don’t make me madder than I already am!” You shouted crudely. “Now back to your fucking friends that you love oh so much and just forget about me!” Word vomit spewed out your mouth without intention. There was so much that angered, saddened, and overall tired you, you couldn’t help it.

Both of your eyes grew at what you said. You merely inhaled sharply while Taehyung shook his head in denial. There was no way he could forget about you.

“Blue, I’ll neve—”

You didn’t let him finish his sentence as you scurried to the entrance and closed and locked the door from behind. You heard Taehyung trying to follow you in, but he was too late to catch you.

He knocked constantly on the door. “Blue, ___, please. Don’t do this. I’m sorry! I fucked up, but I’ll never forget you. You’re my best friend, my Blue! Please I’m sorry. I’ll make it up!” He sobbed through behind the doorway. You stayed silent, crying and waiting for him to leave first but he kept pounding and professing his apologies and regrets. But they still weren’t enough for you.

This was the biggest fight yet.

“Tae!” Hoseok snapped his fingers in front of his younger member. Taehyung shook his head and blinked hard before scanning his eyes at his alarmed members.

After being separated for some time, Jimin and Namjoon thought it was a good idea to have a little lunch get-together to catch up with each of us. Hoseok released his solo album in the past month, striking many records. Yoongi has been busy with collaborations with other artists. Namjoon got back from a European trip. Jungkook has been going back and forth to the United States for recordings. Seokjin made appearances on various cooking shows. Finally, Jimin came back from Busan after resting with his family before going back into the studio. 

All in all, the guys were doing well with the pause and shift in career focus. Well, not all. Though Taehyung looked forward to the lunch, he knew that his updates were mainly him and his therapy because right off the bat, Yoongi insisted on knowing the progress.

Taehyung was lucky enough that the set-up happened the day after his session, so he bullshited whatever was said that time and nothing more. This week wasn’t any better, unlike the previous ones. The idol refused to speak out as much and stayed in silence with Dr. Im until the time was over. It was unsettling with improvements because Taehyung couldn’t care less right now.

Both his members and his therapist meant no harm in his life, but couldn’t help but feel bothered. They cared enough to help the idol, but was it really enough for him to live by? Almost every question asked patronized him and his actions rather than explaining why or how it is.

Like yesterday, maybe it was all in Taehyung’s head, Dr. Im wondered what has been happening with him in the past two weeks to have a sudden shift in his behavior in therapy. While the idol said nothing, Dr. Im claimed further if someone or something occurred that changed your life. Perhaps it was because the professional knew what was happening even without context, and it ticked the idol off and decided to end the session twenty minutes early. Again, Dr. Im was just doing his job.

However, his members… were a piece of work with him. They wanted every detail and what he did after, then they would comment on it and tell him what he should do. That was how the cycle went and suddenly Taehyung wished he never came to the lunch and never seen them a little longer. 

“Are you good, bud?” Hoseok asked once more. “You seem out of it.”

“Something happened?” Yoongi questioned. “If something did and you’re not tel—”

“No, I can’t say if I’m good when I’m going to therapy now, isn’t it?” Taehyung interjected passive-aggressively. 

The slight comment shifted the aura of the lunch. Things were still rocky from the last time, being the same members talking—Taehyung, Yoongi, and Namjoon, but the older members thought to live passed that and be grateful to see their younger again. But by the look on the older’s face, Yoongi was about to call him out.

“What Tae means is that…” Jimin intervened to ease the tension before it erupted. “You’ve been awfully quiet since we’ve sat. You barely even ate.”

It was always Jimin coming to the rescue to protect his friend. Couldn’t blame the dude, that was his ride or die. He was the most patient when it came to Taehyung and his actions, was always there for him, gentle towards him, and was an overall caring best friend.

Taehyung was appreciative, but there were times when it was a bit overbearing like he couldn’t take care of or defend himself. It made Taehyung feel useless and pitiful, which irked him.

“Umm,” Taehyung sighed, poking his chopsticks and the cold cooked meat sitting on his plate. “It’s nothing bad, but just in my mind.”

“Something happened between you and Clara?” Seokjin asked, which brought a disturbingly positive shift into the group’s mood apart from Taehyung. “Haven’t heard about her in a while. You two doing good?”

Taehyung deathly wanted to scowl in revulsion at how much the boys loved her. After all, they were the ones who talked him into asking her out on a date in the first place. They endeared her so much that they thought that she was really a pillar in Taehyung’s life and helping him better himself.

Taehyung hummed noncommittally and shrugged, “Same old. She’s just been busy with work and online presence while I’m…not. She understands though, I guess.”

“Tell her we said hi!” Namjoon smiled. “Hope we can see her again soon.”

“Yeah, I’ll make sure to tell her.” Taehyung was most likely sure that he wouldn’t send back the thanks. She recently was getting on his nerves for being so quiet these past weeks and not texting right away. The idol reassured her that he was tired and focused on his solo project, but he knew that there was more to it.

“Then what’s the matter, Hyung?” Jungkook cocked an eyebrow as he chewed.

Taehyung had to think about how to approach this. He didn’t necessarily tell anyone what happened between you two, recently that is. Before they debuted, Taehyung was sure that they remembered you or some bits. They also knew what happened that ended your friendship since it happened weeks before their debut and Taehyung was somewhat of a mess. They haven’t met you, but they knew how much you meant to him.

But that was before.

His therapist had speculations but came out empty-handed so far. Seojoon and Wooshik tried to get some information out of the idol on you, but Taehyung was a hard shell to crack. They needed the electric saw or metal-cutting machine to know exactly who you were.

So no one knew you were back, physically, in his mind, thoughts, memories, and emotions.

But then he pondered for a while. He has been sulking and distraught over this alone, yet he had much support around him asking what was going on. It was truly the work of his stubbornness. The reason was unknown, or difficult for his brain to comprehend.

Maybe because he simply wanted to have you back on his own. Maybe his selfishness to know you and no one else does. Maybe his overthinking thoughts of anxiousness about how others would react to finding out who you were and what happened. Maybe all?

At this point, reasonably the best thing to do was tell someone. After what you said to him a couple of weeks ago that led him into his emotional downward spiral, he hated feeling hopeless and scared. He didn’t want you to see him in that light, fearful of the stinging burn that could keep you away forever. The words he spoke to you may have not been the best way to say—you were always scolding him on stuff like that—you knew deep down he meant well.

But you were rather difficult, another trait he remembered when you got mad or upset. You tended to say things you don’t mean while also distancing yourself.

Ypu can say Taehyung needed some help with you?

“Do you remember ___?” Taehyung began, which lead to many confused expressions around the table.

“Who?” Hoseok questioned, nothing popping up in his head as he sipped his drink.

“Uhhh, the name sounds familiar?” Namjoon responded while in his thoughts. “Can you explain more?”

“___ ___, my best friend back home,” Taehyung mentioned, but yet there was no ringing in their minds. “I’m sure you all remember her. I used to call her every single night ever since I came to Seoul.”

Jimin’s face lit up as he snapped his fingers in his realization. “Ahh, ___! It was so hard to remember her name because you always called her Bl—”

“You can’t say that name, only I can.” Taehyung squinted his eyes at his best friend. Though Jimin smirked cheekily, for a second, he questioned Taehyung’s reaction.

“Ohhh, ___! Yeah, I remember now.” Seokjin gasped, and the gears in his brain started moving. “I used to get pissed off at the both of you for keeping me awake.”

“Oh, yeah! With all the calls.” Hoseok nodded, remembering as well. “Your giggling and whining still haunt my sleep.” He joked with a playful glare at Taehyung, making the younger shrug.

“Yeah…name with no face. It’s been a while since we heard her name.” Jungkook stated. “Why’d you bring her up?”

Taehyung tapped his fingers on the table, picturing the first time he saw you again. “I met her again couple weeks back. She’s in Seoul now.”

Seokjin hummed in response, “Really? Interesting. Who knew?”

“Not me,” Taehyung muttered with a light forced chuckle.

“Yeah, didn’t you tell us you had a falling out before? I remembered it pre-debut.” Hoseok heard Taehyung’s comment and spoke up about it. “I assume the reunion wasn’t all on purpose.”

Taehyung licked his lips and nodded, “It was random. She works at a small restaurant in a sketchy part of Seoul, but it’s really good. I went with Seojoon Hyung and Wooshik Hyung. We should go sometimes.” When he said, he hoped they took that suggestion lightly but he knew Jimin and Jungkook would be down. “I found out she’s going to school in the city, she’s in a grad program, she didn’t tell me what though. Actually, these were her responses to my Hyungs. The whole time she didn’t even talk to me, practically never looked my way no matter how much I tried.”

It was at that moment, everyone knew they couldn’t blame you. The rest of the members didn’t know who you were deeply, but they felt for you and you seemed nice, judging by the very few interactions you had with them over the phone. What Taehyung did was hurtful and cruel even from an outsider’s perspective. They all knew it from experience. 

“Can’t blame her…” Namjoon said what everyone thought about.

Taehyung’s eye twitched. He didn’t need to say it out loud. “Yeah, I went back again, but alone that time, and she basically told me to go fuck myself.”

“Sorry, Tae.” Jimin frowned, patting his best friend’s back.

“Well, did she even want you there in the first place?” Yoongi inquired, but that made Seokjin glare at his younger for being harsh. “What? I’m being honest after what happ—”

“Please, don’t mention it, Hyung.” His words damaged Taehyung’s emotions, and he scrunched his face as the brutal memory replayed in his mind. Yoongi did not apologize, but he managed to shut up. “It was just nice seeing her again, an old face—a familiar face, a good memory.” You were always the best memory.

“I’m sure it was. It’s been a while since you’ve seen her.” Hoseok acknowledged.

“But then again, you should know the feeling isn’t mutual, Tae.” Namjoon pointed out, trying to get Taehyung to think realistically. “It seems she’s not over it and you know what you did.”

“I know, but…” Taehyung didn’t know how to express his thoughts in words. He was blanking out despite his mind running 200 km per hour. “With how shitty my life’s been going, even if she hates my fucking guts, I actually enjoy her presence. She’s my best friend! I’d want to rekindle what we had.”

The way Taehyung explained it made Jungkook have concerning thoughts. He seemed more expressive with you than his own girlfriend. “You should probably be careful, Hyung.” Taehyung cocked his head to the side to face the youngest. “I—I’m not saying Clara’s the jealous type, but….”

“What does she have to do with ___?” Scoffing at the youngest member, he eyed him out with hostility. Taehyung felt a sudden sense of protection over you.

“Don’t be like that, please?” Jungkook frowned, not wanting to get on his older friend’s bad side. “What I’m saying is that it sounds like you’re over here talking about some other chick and wanting her back when you clearly have a girlfriend.”

“She’s not some girl. She’s been my best friend for literally twenty years! More than all of you!”

“Not really, if you didn’t see each other in years…” Namjoon commented which made Taehyung clench his jaw but say nothing.

Taehyung closed his eyes and controlled his breathing while balling his anger into his fist. “What was your point, Jungkook?”

“Well, does Clara know about ___?” Jungkook asked sincerely. “If ___ meant something to you, then you should have told your girlfriend about her.”

Taehyung bit his lip while processing the question. He then shook his head before drinking his soda. “No, because I met Clara way after my falling out with ___. I didn’t think it mattered.” There was no way in hell, he’d tell Clara about you. There was more to the explanation, but Taehyung was currently unaware of why it was like that. 

“It kinda does matter now, especially when you want ___ back in your life.” Jimin reasoned as he stared at his best friend. “We can support you, but just be cautious.”

“It’s just…I—let’s not talk about that right now. I should have never told you guys.” Taehyung regretted his decision in revealing you. He knew that nothing went the way he wanted it to and didn’t like what was said. 

Hoseok pouted, reaching out to squeeze Taehyung’s hand. “No, don’t say that. We appreciate you telling us! We’re just worried about you and Clara. If ___ comes back, then you’d obviously have to tell her.”

“Just don’t fuck up with it,” Yoongi concluded bluntly. “You’ve been with Clara for five years and still going strong. If ___ isn’t back, then leave it. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not worth losing your relationship.”

What did Yoongi know about relationships? He was severely single. And what did he know about Taehyung’s relationship? Nothing, that’s what. None of them knew yet pulled shit out of their ass and spoke highly of his girlfriend. However, when it came to you, they treated you like some side character reprising an insignificant role. But you were never like that. You will never be.

“The point I’m telling you is that I met ___,” Taehyung replied, wanting this discussion to be over immediately. “And for the record, I’ve decided something.”

“Which is?” Seokjin asked.

Taehyung looked down at his plate, mindlessly glazing at the untouched noodles. He smirked as a memory came up. “There’s a reason why we were best friends.”

-

“Yes, I understand. I’ll pay the other half at the end of the month, please.” You nodded as you spoke into your phone. “I just need time.”

“___, you know you don’t need to do this all on your own. I’m sure your other relatives can help,” The nurse on the other side replied. “I’ve talked to your cousin and she sa—”

“It’s fine, I promise.” You quickly denied. “This responsibility landed on me and I fully accept it.”

He sighed into the microphone, “So strong as always, ___. It’s okay to rely on others.”

“Maybe.” You said, brushing what was said off. “I need to go now, I’m off my break soon. But don’t tell him, okay?”

“I’m sure he knows—”

“Please, Moobin.” You begged, feeling slightly uneasy. You didn’t want him to be worrying about you, especially with this.

“Okay, fine. I won’t.” Moobin answered, succumbing to your request. “Lucky for you, telling him would only worsen the condition.”

“It’s still not good either way, but thank you.” Appreciating his efforts, you nodded as you looked at the time. “Okay, I have to go but keep me updated.” You said before bidding goodbye to the nurse and hanging up.

You exhaled in distress, but surely, it wasn’t enough for you. You calculated what had to be done and now you needed to work at least ten more hours this cycle. Though the weekends were your day offs to catch up on school work, you might have to work them to get by without any burden. Ugh, your migraine was coming back up.

You swiftly grabbed a can of Coca-Cola and opened it before chugging the liquid down. Hopefully, it would help lessen the pain. So much to do with very little time.

“You know you have to pay for that.” You turned your head to see Kenji coming by to use the cash register. You nodded as you sipped more of the content. As he punched in the order, he glanced over and inspected the drink. “___, you okay? You never have coke unless something happens.”

“The way you know that sure is expected of you.” You huffed, not bothering to care any further. “Just had another chat with the nurse back home.”

“Is he alright?” Your coworker asked.

You hummed as a reply, “For now, but it was about the payments…do you think Halmeoni be okay if I work the weekends too?”

“___, if you need the money, I’ll be happy to lend yo—”

“No.” You interrupted him. “I can’t ask you to do that, I just want to work a little more.”

Kenji frowned as the register door opened before ripping the receipt. “You’re already working more than usual and you drinking coke to reduce your headache means you’re overworking yourself.”

“Ken, I’m fine.” You scoffed. You gulped down all of what was left in the can before recycling it into a bin. “I just needed a boost. But I do wanna work more.”

“___…” He looked at you and you had a face of determination. There was no way in reasoning with you. “Ask her. She won’t be too pleased, but if you tell her about it, maybe she’ll accept…or give you a bon—”

“No, I need to work for it.”

Kenji rolled his eyes and shook his head, “Sometimes just get the free opportunities.”

“Sometimes every opportunity is a blow to your fucking face.” You sighed as you grabbed a tray.

You then spotted Halmeoni coming down the hallway with a box of napkins. Gripping the tray in your fingers, you went towards her and grabbed the box from her. “I’ll get that for you.” You offered. You settled them behind the counter and under the table where all the extra supplies stayed. 

“Sweetie, you don’t need to carry it. I’m still strong!” Your boss laughed but appreciated your kindness.

“Just trying to make your day easier.” You said authentically before clearing your throat. “Ummm, Halmeoni?”

“Yes, dear?”

“I—Is it possible if I can work the weekends?”

Halmeoni sulked, “Why is it? Something ha—”

“Uhh, no, no, well…I have some more time on my hands. I don’t have projects coming up, so I’m not really doing much at home.” She knew your situation, but if you told her, she wouldn’t want you to work as much either.

She squinted her eyes with suspicion. “Everything going on back in Geochang?”

You nodded, “Nurse said he’s doing well for now, but I just want to work a little bit.”

She knew you were headstrong, not wanting to say anything. She would have to ask Kenji, but even so, she wouldn’t acknowledge it and play dumb with you. “Sure, okay, sweetie. Just tell me what hours later.”

You sighed in relief and nodded excitedly. “Thank you, I appreciate you and Harabeoji. I guess Kenji too.”

“I heard that!” Kenji whined, making you and your boss chuckle. 

“Just…don’t stress too much, okay? We’re here if you need anything.” She meant it with sincerity in her expression. She cared for you like you were her own, and it twisted your heart from the thought. You knew she meant well, but it was all too much to offer for someone like you. You only nodded as she patted your head.

Right after, the tarp entrance flicked open, catching the attention of your boss with widened pupils and a gasp. “Ahh, Taehyung, you’re back! And you brought newcomers.”

You groaned softly, closing your eyes as if it would relax you but it doesn’t. You desperately wanted to dropkick someone and that someone was the very individual who entered the restaurant. You directed your eyes to his stature as you watched him wave and greet your boss, coworker, and then you. Though he greeted you back, you said nothing. 

Of course, he didn’t listen. That was why you were best friends in the past. You can’t deny that the both of you had a lot in common yet still different. But one of the biggest commonalities was being stubborn as fuck and not listening to what anyone had to say. With that being said, it was inevitable that Taehyung would not give up even after you shunned him away.

As you scowled, you became aware of the two men. One on each side of the idol. Their eyes wandered around your workplace, somewhat fascinated by how clean it was in contrast to the dirty outside. As you looked at them, you immediately knew who they were—two of his bandmates, specifically Jimin and Jungkook.

Though your friendship with Taehyung was a bust weeks before his debut, you couldn’t help but support or somewhat follow what the group did. You knew the amount of work that had been made and you appreciated it. You pushed your thoughts and feelings away from that certain member and enjoyed the band and its schedule. You guess you can say you were a fan, but not fully. At least there were six other members to distract you from your ex-best friend. Plus, you didn’t need to tell Taehyung that.

“Ahh, Hyung-nim!” Kenji yelled, earning a smile from the idol. Since when did he get close to Taehyung?

“Halmeoni, it’s nice to see you again!” Taehyung spoke out. “These are some of my friends, Jimin and Jungkook.” The two with him waved at your boss.

“My, my. You always bring handsome friends.” Your boss clapped. “Please sit!” She motioned them to take any seat as it was a slow weekday night. As they settled down, she nudged you and said, “Go help them. They’re handsome.”

“No, please. Let Kenji help them.” You suggested.

Kenji gasped and shook his head, “Why do I have to serve them?”

You gloomed at your coworker’s audacity, “What, isn’t it fine since he’s your Hyung-nim?” He saw how serious you were and didn’t want to experience your wrath, so he puffed and walked toward the well-known idols. Kenji eased his way into the men’s conversation, seeing that their laughter echoed throughout the restaurant.

“___, you should date one of them.” Your boss prompted which made you blink at her. “Maybe Taehyung, he seems to have an e—”

“Halmeoni, I’m busy, remember?” You recalled. “I got all these projects, work—”

“I thought you said you had more time now?” She interrogated you as your jaw dropped faintly but closed it back up.

“Yes, I do…but I’m not thinking about dating right now.’ You peeked over to the side and spoke quietly, “No one wants me.”

Your boss hated what you said about yourself. “Don’t say that, sweetie. You’re gorgeous, a true beauty. Anyone could fall for you. If I could, you’d be dating Kenji by now.”

“Ew, don’t say that. That’s setting me up for ultimate failure.” You grimaced, shivers down your spine. She laughed before walking back to the kitchen. 

Eventually, Kenji came back to the both of you with a fresh set of orders, but he said, “___, please ring these up.” He handed you the sheet of orders.

You retrieved them to read but you asked, “Why do I have to do your orders?”

“It’s not my orders, it’s yours.” He shrugged casually and you shot your head back to give him your death stare.

“What the fuck, why?” You complained. “Ken, you know—”

“No, I don’t know, and you don’t tell me shit.” He refused before sticking his tongue out to you. “They requested for you to serve them.”

“They can’t re—”

“So what? Just do it.” He shrugged. You scrutinized your coworker, trying to declare why he was being so adamant then you realized.

“That fucker paid you to make me serve them.”

“Well, I can’t deny the allegations being brought upon me,” Kenji admitted wholeheartedly. “See, when there’s a 100,000 won thrown at you, you take the chances.”

Your eyes grew at the sound of the heavy stipend for a small ask. “You little shit sold me of—”

“___, it’s not a big deal.” Your coworker reassured you, but you weren’t having it.

“Kenji, it is!” You told him, frowning at him. “I don’t like Taehyung nor do I want to see him.”

“Kinda harsh for him to be your best friend.”

“He’s not.” You clarified. “We haven’t been for ages, and I refused him weeks ago to be back into my life.”

Kenji looked in the distance as if his peanut brain worked like magic, “You tell me this or that but not explain to me why. So unless you do, I’m feeding you off to them.”

You let out a whining sound, “You’re being irrational…”

“Better hurry up. Your table’s waiting for their drinks.”

You wished to never speak about it again, but you were actually being desperate right now. Kenji always begged to know what happened between you and the idol to cause this one-sided hatred, but you never let him have his way until now. You’d rather tell him than serve Taehyung again.

“Ugh, fine.” You surrendered, letting your shoulders droop. But Kenji looked back at you with success on his stupid face. “I’ll tell you more about it later, but I’ll tell you in a quick summary.” You spoke briefly about your past with Taehyung. When you told him, it saddened your mood a little, remembering the emotions and insecurities you had about it. It was damaging for you to say the least, but you pushed it aside to not let it get to you in the middle of your shift.

Once you finished, Kenji nodded as he processed what you said. “So you don’t want to deal with him?” You nodded. “And you don’t care?” You nodded again. “___, it sounds like you do.”

You were baffled and offended. “Really? After what I said??”

“Hey, if you don’t care, then you would have been indifferent toward him.” He argued nonchalantly. “Look at you being riled up by even the thought of him.”

Your eye twitched. Maybe it was your pride, or how the younger provoked you. Maybe both. But either way, you wanted to prove him wrong. “I am indifferent to him.”

“Prove it.” He threw more gas into the fire.

“Fine, you’re fucking annoying and lazy as fuck anyway. I’ll prove you wrong.” You crumpled the paper before opening it back up and punching in the order. But while you were doing so, you realized what he did. You frowned as you stared at a shit-grinning Kenji before you. “You’re full of shit, you know that.”

“Shit that molded into a mastermind.” He winked before parting ways, knowing you lost while he gained.

-

Eventually, you sucked it up and served them. There was no point when your coworker executed some type of reverse psychology on you. You gave him props for that.

However, he did emphasize something. Were you really indifferent toward Taehyung? What was the meaning behind all of that anger and hatred in you? Of course, the way he spoke to you in the past caused you pain, but shouldn’t it be gone by now? People get over it so you should too. It has been almost a decade. You say you don’t care, but why were there so many emotions in you when you see him? What was there to be said? What does being cruel to him lead to? 

You didn’t understand yourself, you couldn’t, especially with all that was going on. Throwing this into your bowl of responsibilities and issues made everything a lot more stressful. There was literally no time for you to be thinking about Taehyung, yet, it was prominent in your mind.

You settled the drinks down, calling out who got what. As you were doing so, Taehyung grinned proudly at you before announcing, “Guys, this is ___, my best friend from Geochang. The one I talked to all the time.”

You so badly wanted to yell that you weren’t his best friend, but you remembered—you needed to be apathetic, so you said nothing. But the heavy scrutiny of gazes from his friends brought agitation and shyness. You couldn’t understand why, but they indeed were handsome in person. You assumed it was because they technically haven’t seen you before. Sure, there were a few greets here and there but that was it. A picture, who knows? You and Taehyung stopped contact before you were able to formally introduce yourself.

Their pupils widened and blinked like goldfish. Jungkook had his mouth slightly apart while Jimin covered his with his fist. You furrowed your eyebrows, questioning if this was a good sign.

Nevertheless, you smiled bashfully. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you too. Uhh, Jungkook and Jimin.” You pointed at the respective person. “I know you both from BTS so…”

Jungkook gulped and cleared his throat. “A—ah, yes. It’s nice to finally meet yo—you’re ___?” He asked for verification. “You’re Bl—”

“JK, I told you not to say it. Only I can.” Taehyung chided, refusing for anyone to call you that other than him. Also, why were his friends looking at you like that? It was like they’d never seen a person before.

You rolled your eyes at what he said and you mentally scolded yourself, but fortunately, no one caught it. “Yes, I’m ___.”

“The person behind the calls? The late-night calls at two in the morning.” Jimin included. You grew puzzled at these oddly specific memories, but they were valid. You hesitantly nodded while keeping your gaze on the two.

“You’re pretty, like really beautiful.” Jungkook threw it out in the open. You were taken aback, even stepping back to look at them in disbelief.

Even Taehyung snapped his head back towards his members and was about to say something but Jimin butted in. “Tae, you didn’t tell us she was gorgeous.”

Taehyung opened his mouth, “I—I mean, I—”

“That’s fine, Hyung.” Jungkook interrupted before smiling widely at you. “I mean you do have a girlfriend anyway.”

“Jung—”

“Yup, of five years too,” Jimin smirked, showcasing his award-winning slit eyes in your direction.

Okay, you wanted to walk away from this table immediately. These sentences were uncalled for but somewhat curious. First, two jaw-dropping idols that everyone wanted, called you pretty, though you assumed they were just being nice. You weren’t very lucky in the dating world and you somewhat refused to dip your toes, let alone with idols. Mainly due to bad experiences and being too busy.

The second was that Taehyung had a girlfriend and seemed steady too, considering how long they’ve been together. You knew idols hid things regarding their dating life, BTS included despite their weird rumors between each other which were entertaining as is. So evidently, of course, Taehyung would be one with a secret partner. People always thought he was a handsome charmer back in Geochang and did have many confessions and admirers.

You said nothing and nodded, not knowing how to add to the conversation. “Well, thank you for that. Ummm, I’ll get your orders right after this so please excuse me.” With your chance, you escaped quickly and headed back into the kitchen.

It was a weird encounter, but not that bad. Though your body felt defeated and emotionally drained, you pushed meaningless thoughts away from your brain to focus on your work.

Meanwhile, Taehyung glowered at his starstruck members as they watch you walk away. He didn’t like what they said one bit. How dare they mentioned his relationship to you and also why are they shouting to the world how pretty you were?

“Stop staring at her like that, you perverts!” Taehyung scoffed. “Can you both be any more obvious?”

“We’re not touching, we’re respectfully looking.” Jimin reasoned before meeting his best friend’s upset eyes. “She’s pretty! Can’t blame us.”

“You never showed us a picture of her, nothing on her.” Jungkook pouted.

“I did! Years back!” Taehyung refuted as he crossed his arms over his chest.

“It was a baby picture!” Jimin replied. “And it was only because it was your Lock Screen before. This is different.”

“Whatever,” Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Well, there she is and because of her status as my best friend, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you two get it with her. I know those looks…” Jungkook and Jimin were definitely not dating as they were in their eras. They’ve dated here and there, but nothing was serious and Taehyung will not let you be “nothing.”

“Taehyung, she’s a grown woman!”

“Does it look like I care? No, you can’t.”

“How can you even say that?” Jungkook frowned incredulously. “No offense, but will your opinion even matter to her?”

Taehyung’s frown then turned neutral as he heard what Jungkook said. It was insulting, to say the least, but he had a point. He came here trying to gain a friendship with you, nothing else. But right now, his friends sparked interest in you and he hated the thought. Why? He didn’t want to explain or else it’ll confuse his head. But he knew you hated him more. It didn’t help that he came back after telling him off weeks ago. So whatever you did, you wouldn’t care about him and what Jungkook said right?

He wanted to change your mind, so maybe he had to be on your good side and reminisce all of your memories together. He shouldn’t think about his members, it was all about you.

You came back with the first set of plates, placing them down on the table. Jungkook assisted you by moving it further back for more space in front of you. You thanked him for his gesture.

Taehyung bit inside his cheek before looking up at you, “Blue, do you think you can get me another bottle of soju?” That showed the affection you had for each other.

Indifference, indifference, indifference, you chanted in your head. But you wanted to punch him in the throat as he rejected your wishes to not call you that nickname. “Sure.”

“Make that two, please.” Jimin raised his finger as a gesture. “I would like grape, doll.”

“Of course, I’ll get that for you.” You grinned before walking away.

As you left, Jimin smiled proudly, getting more of a response from you than Taehyung. Taehyung’s jaw clenched, ticked off at everything.

Needless to say, he wasn’t bringing them again.

-

Over the month, Taehyung has been visiting and eating at the restaurant almost every other day. This past week, he came every day. Sometimes, he was alone, in other instances, he had Seojoon, Wooshik, or both. Once in a while, it was Jungkook and Jimin who flirted with you—yes, you knew and it made you a little less attracted to them but that wasn’t the point. And each time, he tried talking to you while you said very little and kept quiet. He only spoke about your good memories, nothing more. Not once did you hear him speak on what he did, almost like what he did was nonexistent. But it wasn’t, at least for you.

Interestingly enough, when he was alone, he called you Blue. But with his friends, he called your name. You weren’t sure why, but you let it be. However, it was so hard to be.

You didn’t want to talk to him, you didn’t want to serve him, you didn’t want him to call you Blue but look where you were. You did all of that and you let him. You tried to be detached from everything, the past, the present, him, but the rage in you kept fueling up every single time.

Yet you were ashamed that even with refusal, he somehow meshed into your schedule. When he talked to you, he mentioned the past. The good past, the laughter, the adventures, the obliviousness to a now broken bond. You couldn’t decide if they were painful or nothing to you, you refused to say no to either. It was all triggering that it hurt your mind.

You hated that you were distracted by him, you shouldn’t. You weren’t in his life anymore, and neither was he. You had other priorities to think about like your school, your job, and your family back home. None of your priorities should be Taehyung because you knew that you weren’t anything to him anymore, you knew that way before. He got his other friends, his fans, his members, and his girlfriend. You were nothing and that was permanent in your mind.

Still, you grew exhausted by his persistence. Sure, he told you he wasn’t all that well but that wasn’t enough. But looking at the situation you were in, you didn’t know how to approach it without breaking. You thought you could continue like that, but how much longer? 

It was five in the morning. The sun slowly rose from the horizon, looking into your tiny one-bedroom apartment. The light cascaded into darkness, gradually revealing the sunny dawn. You enjoyed the view from your broken window you had yet to call the supervisor of the building.

You pulled an all-nighter, trying to finish this education plan as an assignment that was due today. You had no time as you were focused on other projects, so you had to just work tirelessly until the end of this one. After submitting your paper, you had one hour left before you were actually supposed to wake up.

Though with darkened bags under your eyes and a drained body from working last night, you glanced at your three cans of coke, knowing you weren’t going to sleep anytime soon. You tried your best to at least rest your eyes before doing another repeat of yesterday and the days before. At least it was Friday, then after that, the weekend. But you agonizingly realized that you began working weekends as well.

-

“You’re going out again?”

Taehyung stared at his girlfriend through the full-length mirror in their shared bedroom as he viewed his outfit for tonight. Her expression was dumbfounded by the fact that it would be another night without her boyfriend. He never explained any further of his doings, only that they were with his friends which she knew very well.

“Yeah, with Seojoon Hyung.” He confirmed as he threw on a watch.

“Tae, you’ve been going out a lot recently.” Clara pointed out as she sat on the bed.

“And what about it?” The idol shrugged. “I know you’re busy doing your job and stuff, so think of these times as self-care or me time.”

“True, but I also want time with my boyfriend.” She replied as she leaned into her palms resting on the mattress. “But I haven’t gotten that lately.”

Taehyung’s face twisted before biting his lip. He took a glance at his pouting girlfriend. It was true though. Ever since he found you and wanted your friendship, it was all he has been spending his time doing. He was never home, only to sleep, eat breakfast, and feed Yeontan. Half of the time at home, Clara wasn’t even home as she had her schedule. He barely saw her but didn’t mind it at all. But with her being sad in front of his eyes, he felt a sudden guilt that he hated. 

He sighed before clicking his tongue, “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy and a lot has been going on.”

“I thought you would have been less busy, especially with the pause on your group schedule?” She reasoned.

“Nothing really to do with the scheduling.” He mumbled.

The socialite peered at her boyfriend, “Are you really hanging out with Seojoon Oppa?”

He met her piercing eyes, knowing the implications she made. “Yes, I am. I’ve been hanging out with them. We go out to eat every time.”

“That’s a lot of downtimes Seojoon Oppa has, especially for a busy actor like him.”

Taehyung pitched the bridge of his nose, getting bothered by her interrogations. “I’m not cheating if that’s what you’re saying.”

“I’m not saying you are.”

“Yes, you are!” He opposed. “You do that fucking thing. “Are you really?” “Are you sure?” I’m sure I’m not.”

“But you’re always out!”

“Because I don’t like being home!” He explained before grabbing his wallet and shoving it in his back pocket. He did not want to deal with this right now.

“Tae, but I want to spend time with you!” Clara ordered as she stood up, trying to find her boyfriend’s eyes. “I thought the pause would have given you more downtime to spend with me. I’ve been clearing my schedule for you, but it seems for nothing if I’m at home alone. Can’t even go out because no one knows…”

There it was, the regret coming back up. Taehyung didn’t like yelling at her, or even fighting, especially something stupid like this. But sometimes, it was inevitable. You would think that after being together for five years would be easier to manage but it was wrong. So, so, so wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He said before turning his body to look at her. She was really stunning, even in low light, her beauty was emphasized by the shadows cast over her face.

“If you’re busy, I get that but it hurts when you don’t make time for me.” Clara approached frankly. “It was really bad when you were touring and always at the studio 24/7. I really thought this time would give us time together.”

“You do realize that the band’s not disbanding, I’m still busy with other things. These times are for me to feel freer.” Taehyung communicated clearly.

“Yes, I know. Spending time with your Hyungs and members, but I would want to be prioritized too.”

Another blow to his chest as the shame consumed him again. “I do—I—I’m sorry.”

“I know you’re sorry, but actions speak louder than words.” She specified. “Spend time with me, I don’t wanna ask again.” He nodded hopelessly as she wrapped her arms around his waist. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

He opened his mouth but closed it shut. All he had was going to the studio and then having dinner at your work, which was “busy” to him. But the longer he stared at Clara’s pleading eyes, he didn’t want to let her down again. “No, I’m not. We can go to the park early in the morning and walk Tan?”

“Then have breakfast?” Her eyes lit up.

Taehyung scrunched his nose before ultimately nodding, “Yes, I’ll spend the whole day with you. I promise.” It was a big promise, but he had to do it. He had no choice but to.

-

“I’m sorry I’m late!” You ran into the restaurant restlessly. Your shift started at noon, but now it was close to two in the afternoon. You stopped before Halmeoni looked at you worriedly. “I overslept!”

“How can someone oversleep? It’s 2 PM??” Kenji commented as he grabbed empty cups to fill them with ice.

“Dear, you look paler,” Halmeoni informed, noticing your sunken features. She held your cheeks with her frail callous hands. “You’re even skinnier and I saw you yesterday. When’s the last time you ate?”

“Halmeoni, I’m fine.” You reassured with a tired smile. “I had to finish something last night and the night before, so I slept late, but it’s alright!”

“Sweetie, I think you should go rest for the day. I’ll pay you for the day.” Your sweet boss recommended it, but you denied it as fast as you could.

“No, it’s fine. I also know how busy weekends get for the restaurant and I wanna help.”

She sighed as she squeezed your arms, “If you insist.” You affirmed before getting your apron and tying it over you. While you were distracted, Halmeoni went to Kenji and whispered in his ear. “Keep an eye on her.”

Kenji assured his grandmother before she walked back into the kitchen. As he was about to go to a table, he spotted you grabbing another coke and gulping it down in a hurry. The younger boy pursed his lips, fearing for your health.

-

You didn’t know how, but you worked tirelessly through rush hour without any breaks. After drinking that can, you had a boost of energy that you haven’t had in a while. It felt so good to feel like you were on top of the world, even if it was temporary. Hopefully, this rush can last the whole night since you had to read an important article for a course.

Once you finished with your last table, for now, you stretched your limbs behind the counter, letting out a yawn. As you opened your mouth, a spring roll was shoved into it, leaving you bewildered as you spotted Kenji biting on another one. 

“You need to eat something.” He spoke with a full mouth. “I’ve had more breaks today than you ever did this past week.”

You bit into the roll and munched on it. “That’s because I don’t abuse my grandmother’s leniency like you.”

“But she’ll be more pissed if I don’t rest. Something you should do.” He voiced out, but you responded by rolling your eyes as you finished what was left of the roll. “Don’t overwork yourself.”

“I’m not!” You groaned before wiping your mouth with a napkin. “And I can rest at home.”

“You’re doing the most for no reason.”

“There’s always a reason for what I do.” You pushed forth as you passed by him.

The tarp opened and you looked in that direction, not surprised to see a smiling Taehyung with a Seojoon behind. You were unsure how to feel when you saw the idol’s face, but you can’t help but think about how it was when you were younger. No matter what you did, you’d see that ebony-haired boy with that boxy smile plastered on him every single day. It made your day before, but now…

“Hi, ___!” Taehyung smiled as he walked towards you. Though you stared at him, your mind was elsewhere. He observed your face, you looked weaker despite seeing you yesterday. Cheeks were hollow, the color in your eyes dimmed, and lips were chapped. As gentle as possible, he couldn’t help but raise his hand and pat your head. He grew concerned, especially while he was touching you and you didn’t even flinch, not even tense up once. “Blue, are you okay?” He whispered.

Your daydreaming came to an end when a dull ache pierced through your head. You hissed at the pain, resting your head in your palms and bending forward. You didn’t even realize someone was near you until you felt a hand on your back.

“___, are you in pain? How are you feeling?” The voice was sensed right away. You wanted to move away but you couldn’t. He rubbed your back and you hated that it soothed you.

“I’m fine.” You kneed your face before straightening your posture and stepping away from Taehyung. “Don’t worry about me.”

“But I a—”

“I’m not worried about you, so don’t worry about me.” You mumbled. The pain was still there but you tried repressing it. “Now go to your seat and don’t touch me again.”

Taehyung wanted to say something but he stopped and accepted it. He turned to his Hyung who also looked at you empathically before they went to a vacant table. You walked over to the counter to retrieve menus and a notepad. As you did so, you instantly felt lightheaded. 

You probably didn’t drink some water, so for a speedy recovery, you filled a glass of water for yourself and downed it in one go. You inhaled then exhaled, pacing your breathing. You felt a little better, but the headache was still there. You thought you’d be fine for now. But as you took a step, your vision got blurry even having three sets of Kenji walking by. You shook your head, trying to clear your head. You were fine, you were fine.

But you had to walk step by step instead of at your usual speed. You felt getting lighter, but at least your sight was still clear. Once you got to Taehyung’s table, you didn’t notice the concerned look on him as you asked them for their drink order. Seojoon talked for them, but for some reason, his voice muffled like he was underwater while a ringing pinched into your eardrums. You squirmed softly, catching Taehyung’s attention once more.

“___, you don’t look so good.” The idol frowned but you were quick to ignore him.

Not even getting their order, you hummed. “I’ll get them right away.” As you turned your back and walked methodically, Taehyung watched at a distance with growing panic.

“She doesn’t look right.” The idol informed and turned his head at his rather calm Hyung.

“Maybe she has an off day.” Seojoon simply said. “It’s concerning though, but I know she’ll be okay.”

“You don’t know her like I do though.” The idol spoke tensely. “I don’t buy anything she’s saying right now.”

“I guess so,” The older man snorted, shaking his head. “By the way, what’s up with you and her? I know you said she was your friend. Don’t tell me you’re trying to get with her.”

“I’m not cheating,” Taehyung emphasized. “___’s my friend, I grew up with her. Just trying to spend time with her.”

“At her working place?” Seojoon questioned, cocking his head to the side in wonder. “Can’t you just ask to hang out outside?”

“Well, the thing is…she doesn’t like me.”

“I can see that. It’s like you’re torturing her with your presence.” The actor brutally replied. “Why are you making so much effort if she doesn’t want you in her life?”

Taehyung sighed as he tapped his fingers on the table. ”It’s hard to explain, but…she was a big part of my life and I hate that we ended things.”

Seojoon nodded, understanding his youngest friend. “So she was only your friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Really? That’s all?”

“Yes? What do you mean ‘that’s all’?”

The older man was intrigued, only because Taehyung was the type to give up on things so easily, like how he did with playing the trumpet, film photography, working out, and the list went on. So for him to do the most, Seojoon wanted to dig deeper into who exactly you were and if there was more to what Taehyung was letting out.

You finally made it to the counter. That was so hard for no reason at all. You feebly gripped the edge of the table, trying to pull yourself together. You lifted your pounding head and blinked rapidly. Your eyes got hazy and felt a whole lot better and you cheered mentally. Maybe you needed more water.

You shifted your body and reached for a cup when unexpectedly, your legs gave out. Your headache stabbed your mind, your vision fogged up your surroundings, and your head leaned back as your eyes rolled back. You crashed onto the cold hard floor, your body curling in immense pain.

The last thing you saw was Taehyung running towards your body, calling your name before blacking out.

-

The second you opened your eyes, you gasped and snapped up. But the dulling pain in your cranium continued its presence, making you fold and hold your head. You winced at how badly it hurt, even feeling the tears forming in your eyes.

“Blue!” You weakly opened your eyes once you felt arms and a whole broad chest around your body. You felt him nosing into your hair while his thumbs rubbed circles on your back. “Thank goodness, you’re awake. You had me worried.”

You frowned and ripped him off of you. He was taken aback by your action, but he continued to stare at you with a worrisome look. You glared with a disturbed pout before scanning through your vicinity. The window showed the twilight of the firmament. Judging by the beeping monitor on the other side, a needle inserted into your skin, the bed, and the white cooling room, you were sent to the hospital. 

The last thing you remembered was getting a glass of water for yourself and nothing else. Your stress levels were through the roof. Your vision was blurry, you couldn’t move your body, and your mouth was dry. But as if he knew, on cue, Taehyung handed you a glass of water. You looked at the cup and then back to him. Without saying anything, you raised your hands to grasp it but you were trembling excessively which made the idol notice.

He took the effort to lift the brim of the glass to your lips. You weren’t in a position to complain about the gesture so you accepted it. You went forward as he tilted the cup, helping your drink. He didn’t stop until you finished the whole thing, which you did since you were very much dehydrated.

You respired, sitting properly on the hospital bed. Your irises watched Taehyung put the glass down on the bedside table, then sat down back at the table. Though you said nothing, you wanted answers to everything like why was he here.

Again as if he knew, he began speaking, “It’s currently three in the morning. We rushed you here and you were out for more than seven hours.” He scooted his chair toward you until you were within his reach. You could only gaze at him with tired eyes. He too looked like he didn’t sleep. “The doctor said you fainted from dehydration, starvation, and overworking your body. What led you to do that? We were so scared, Blue. I was worried sick.”

You blinked dizzily, not by your condition but by what he said. He was worried sick? Were you hearing that correctly? How fucking bold of him to tell that to you. What was he doing to you? Why was he being kind and sweet like the Taehyung you once knew? This was the same person who hurt you. Why did he do all of this? Why does he even fucking care for you at all?

Mindlessly, you slapped his shoulder to the best you can since you weren’t in the best shape. The smack made him jolt, gawking at you bug-eyed. But it wasn’t enough for you. Smack! He needed to feel pain. Smack! He needed to be hurt. Smack! He needed to feel what you felt all the years before. Smack! During those years. Smack! Now. Smack! Smack! Smack!

“Owww, Bl—Fuck!” Taehyung whined, trying to force your hands away from him. Your lips quaked as you slapped him again and again. “Blue, that hurts!”

“You asshole! Stop it!” You shouted, your skin heating up and your tear ducts swelling up. “No, stop! Stop calling me Blue! Stop coming to the shop. Stop telling people about our past! Stop begging! Stop, stop, stop! Just stop it already!” You hit him once more, but it came out helplessly when the walls in you broke down and the dam exploded. You let sobs as your stature shook, having no control anymore.

Taehyung saw you, shaking his head. He absolutely hated seeing you cry. He innately hugged your weeping form and nuzzled into your hair again. Only this time you gave up pushing him away and took it. “___, please. I’m sorry, I just really wanted you ba—”

“Why would you even? You hurt me, Taehyung!” You punched tiny fists onto his chest that made no real damage before shoving your dampened face to his front. His touch soothed you so familiarly that it pained you at the same time.

“I’m sorry, Blue. I’m sorry.” His body trembled around you. Your hair felt wet, finally being aware that he too was crying.

 “You called me a needy little bitch who had no other friends!” The throbbing memory was so vivid you remembered it like it was yesterday.

It has been over a year since Taehyung left Geochang for Seoul to pursue his dream of becoming an idol. His departure was a bittersweet “see you later.” This was the first time you and he would be physically apart, being kilometers and hours away from him.

If you had the chance to, you’d tag along and stay with him, but you had no money and you weren’t as talented as he was. So a simple choking hug, many farewells, reassurance of how much you’d miss and love one another, and a kiss on your temple would suffice.

Every night he’d called to update you on the process and ask how you were with school, which was tough considering your best friend in the whole world wasn’t there for support but you knew he was there for you in spirit. 

You astonishedly made a genuine friend to be your buddy throughout high school and you told him. He got jealous. He told you who his members were, even sending you a picture of who’s who and what were they like. Jimin seemed sweet especially since Taehyung talked about him all the time. You got envious, but the both of you knew no one can replace either of you.

However, recently the contact was stagnant. Of course, while he was busy with training and preparing for your debut, you were busy with school and helping your grandparents out. They were getting older, so you tried your best to help around the house and farm. You would call him every night, but it would go straight to voicemail. You texted him, but he wouldn’t reply until days later and the response would be ‘Sorry, been busy.’

You tried your best to understand he has been working hard on this and you were proud of him, but you worried if he was okay. You wanted to know how he was doing or what was happening in his personal life. You just wanted to know. But now texts were rare and phone calls were miracles yet short and under two minutes.

Maybe you were being too much but quickly remembered what Taehyung told you before. It was after that big fight you had. He told you honestly and with solace. Regardless, you decided to give him a little space to avoid being overbearing.

But that only lasted two days because the unexpected happened.

After finding out, you naturally ran to your safe haven—your room—and cried your heart out. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The guilt consumed you, never even saying goodbye because you were at school and no one told you until after. You held onto your soaked pillow tightly. You felt vulnerable, and cold, and searched for comfort.

Then you remembered Taehyung.

You grabbed your phone and dialed his number. There was a ringing, but it went to voicemail. You dialed again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voicemail. Again. Voi—

“What?!” Taehyung snarled. “Why are you calling me so much?”

“Hyun—Hyungie!” You cried. “I nee—”

“Blue, I’m so tired. I can’t right now.” He groaned and you can imagine him scratching his cranium.

“B—but, it’s import—important.”

“Can’t it wait?”

“Hyungie ple—”

“___, call tomorrow!”

“No, you’re not un—”

“Ugh, seriously. Why are you being a needy little bitch?” He spat through the phone. “I know you have no friends and all, but I’m busy!”

This was the first time Taehyung yelled at you, the first time he was mad at you. He never was like that with you. Those words were hurting you, but you pushed them aside to reason. Your lower lips shuddered in denial, “No, no, Hyungie—”

“I swear, can’t you think about my needs for once other than yourself! Fuck.”

“I do and I’m sorry I upset you, but I need you ri—”

“___, I have to go. Namjoon Hyung is calling us to the living room. It’s important.”

“Hyungie, please. I nee—”

The call ended.

You tried calling back again and again, but he wasn’t answering so you left a voicemail. “Please, Hyungie. I’m sorry I made you mad, I’m sorry. I need you right now. I’m scared and lonely and I want my best friend. Please answer back. I love you. I miss you so much.”

Once you finished your message, you sat in the dark contemplating what he told you. Were you smothering him too much? Were you that needy? But Taehyung reassured you. He always has. But why was he saying it now? Did it finally get to him? No, no. Of course, not. He was your best friend of all time.

Every single day for the next week, you called him as much as possible. But there was no avail. You sent texts and phone calls until you found out that he blocked you. You stared at the screen for a good hour with the little pop-up saying a message cannot be sent.

It hurt so much for him to say that, to do that. It really was how he thought of you. You only ever had him, the person with so many friends, and he was gone. You were too needy, too much to handle. You caved into your body and pulled your knees to your chest as you bawled. His words always meant tremendously to you, and you didn’t realize you looked at yourself in that new light he showed you.

You came to a realization that you didn’t have a best friend. You lost him.

You lost your grandmother and him.

“___, I’m so sorry. They were lies, I never meant it!” Taehyung explained, wiping his nose on his sleeve. “I never thought of you like that ever!”

Your reddened puffy eyes lifted to meet his equally swollen ones. “Taehyung, my grandma died that day.” You swore his face and heart dropped at the information. “She went into a cardiac arrest while picking crops and dropped dead.” You sobbed as more tears ran down your cheeks. “I found out after school because no one didn’t want to tell me while I was in.”

Taehyung cupped your cheeks with his hands, wiping the streaks away but it was pointless. “I’m so so—”

You grabbed onto his forearms, so he could look directly into your eyes. “When my grandma died, I needed my best friend. I needed you, Taehyung!” You screamed and squeezed him with your might. You observed him as he had his lips between his teeth and looked down in shame and remorse eating him alive. “You ignored my text and calls when I needed you the most. But I didn’t have that anymore. There was no one.” You whispered the last sentence, knowing the loneliness you felt for years.

“Blue, I’m sorry. I didn’t know!” His shaky voice was filled with regret and sorrow, not realizing what you’d gone through until now. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”

“I tried telling you! But you pushed me away!! You didn’t give me a chance!” You slapped his chest faintly hard but it still wasn’t enough to break him. He lets you do so because he deserved it. He deserved every hit, every scream from you. He was a shitty best friend to you and he didn’t know the severity of it. “I lost you and grandma that day. It hurts, it hurts so much.”

Thinking you’d hit him again, you surprisingly encircled your arms around his torso and pulled him closer. On instinct, he did the same, tightening his hold. “I lost you. I needed you, Hyungie.” 

Streaks went down his face at how weak you sounded and it was all because of him. He hated himself for it, he hated the way he acted at you, you never deserved any of that, but he was an asshole. An asshole to his innocent and sweet best friend.

“You didn’t lose me, Blue. I’m here. I won’t leave, I promise. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He promised, then whispered all the apologies in the world to you. A critical promise that he will keep in his heart until the day he died.

-

You don’t know how long you were in this position, but dawn was soon arriving. The tiny peak of the tangerine shined among the skyline. You watched in tranquility with inflamed irises and dried stains on your features. Somewhere along the line, Taehyung climbed himself onto the elevated top bed and had you in his arms. 

At this point, you don’t bother because he wasn’t going to listen and you had to admit that the feeling of him alleviated you like how you recollected. You missed it so much and you maneuvered into his chest.

Taehyung wasn’t asleep. He was weary, but couldn’t sleep. In the meantime, he watched you while you stared out the window. He enjoyed it, acknowledging the yearning to have you back near him. He thought about it before but now, he wanted to beat himself up for ever letting you go. Though the crying stopped with a few sniffles here and there, the pounding in his heart didn’t stop. There was so much to be said, so much for him to ask and beg, all he hoped was that you accepted them.

“Blue—”

“Don’t call me that right now.” You muttered without even looking back.

“Sorry. Uhh, ___.” He called and you hummed in response. “I know I fucked up and hurt your feelings and I regret them. I swear, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you.”

“But you did.”

“Yes, I’m aware.” He gulped and exhaled unevenly. “I said the most fucked up things to you and took you for granted. You aren’t needy, you did nothing wrong. You’re innocent. It’s all my fault. I was a dumbass, obnoxious, and selfish. But I want you to know that you never lost me and I’m gonna keep reminding you of that. I promise I’ll never leave you again. I wanna make things right and rekindle our friendship. I wanna ask you for your forgiveness, please?”

Your irises shifted from the view outside to his nervous face. You sighed, then sat up. He followed you and waited patiently yet anxiously for your answer. “I forgave you a long time ago, Taehyung.”

His pupils dilated while his mouth parted, “You did?”

You nodded with pure honesty. “It took me three years, but I did.” You knew he was about to question it, so you quickly added. “I saw that BTS documentary and you talked about the struggles and adversity you all had to face, even with the early termination you avoided and personal life.”

He was shocked to find out that you followed him and the group, which melted his heart, and wanted to know more but now wasn’t the time. So he nodded. 

“I forgave, but I won’t forget it.” You stated. “Because, Kim Taehyung, you’ve hurt me so badly that it got me traumatized to opening back up to people.”

It was true. After your friendship broke, you shut down and avoided peers other than group projects. People tried but didn’t get very far. There was no effort due to your lingering fear of disappointment and your insecurity about being clingy. You went to school and then home, sometimes helping your grandfather out. You did have Taehyung’s siblings, but once his family moved, you really had no one.

Other relatives visited you and your grandfather, but that was basically it. It went like this from there until the end of your undergraduate years.

“You took our friendship for granted. Yes, we’ve changed and we’re strangers now…” You spoke like this was nothing but it tore Taehyung on the inside. He never wanted this to happen. “But there’s a scar in me, it’s still here and it’s a reminder.”

“___, you shouldn’t do that. It’s not good for you.” He approached. “The loneliness will continue.”

“But how can I not?” You whimpered with glossy eyes. “I’m afraid, because of you!”

Your words punched him in the gut, wincing at the emotional sting. “S-scars can heal over time, but it takes a while unless you get help.” You furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Let me help you heal your scars.”

You leaned back as you fidget your fingers, hesitantly shaking your head. “N-n—I don’t know if I can.”

“I’ll help you! I’ll help you like I always did when we were together.”

“The past—”

“Please. You said it yourself, even if I hate it, but we’re strangers now. It’ll be different this time. We can start fresh, or back to where we left off before I moved to Seoul, I don’t care as long as I have you and our friendship back in my life. I’ll be eternally grateful.”

“You know it’s really hard to start fresh when I think about how we were years back.” You pronounced, still uneasy about the tempting recommendation. 

“Then let’s go back where we left off!”

“Can’t help but also think about what you did.”

Taehyung was desperate and felt defeated by your hard and impenetrable stance. But he didn’t want to give it up when he was so close. “Please, ___. I miss you so much. Back then, you were the only person who understood me. You probably still are and I hope that.”

“Please you have your friends and members, your girlfriend, who know you much more than me.” You retorted at his ridiculousness.

“Never, and I know that deep in me.” He said in no laughing matter. You pursed your lips, remembering how serious he can get.

Your pupils moved away to look back at the rising sun. “It’s been years though…”

“Then there’s a lot of time to be made up.”

You sighed, “Taehyu—“

“Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Ple—”

“Fine, fuck! Jesus Christ, you’re annoying.” You burst out, making him flinch. “We’ll do it.“

The angels answered his prayers. The broken pieces of the bond twitched as they’re attempting to find their way back to each other. The flames were about to ablaze with hazard protection the second you agreed.

“R-really?” He asked dumbfoundedly.

You gave a swift nod, “But I will remind you.” You grasped his tendrils firmly and tugged him to you, causing him to squirm painfully. You glared daggers at him with pupils enlarged. “You fucking broke my trust and heart, and this is something you’ll have to earn back.” Your hold tightened harshly, letting him yelp. “I don’t care how many pouts, expressions, begs and pleas you give me. You earn it. Understood?”

“Ye—yes, ma’am.” He replied without missing a beat.

You released your grip and removed your hand away. He groaned at the blunt ache. He knew you were harsh when you wanted to but damn. He was about to touch it, but you yanked his head towards your chest.

You wrapped your arms around his neck before your fingers gently brushed through his raven locks. He flinched, but only because it stung. However, your digits carded through and lightly scratched his scalp. “Did I hurt you?”

The sides of his lips curved, absorbing the tenderness he knew you had even if it was only a small piece. He rested peacefully into you and shook his head. “You could never hurt me.”

Though he never saw that smile on you at that moment, it was going to be okay. Hopefully, there will be more with the reconnection. It was complicated and conflicting, there may be holes. If people found out, they may question it, but they would never fully understand unless they were in your shoes.

The bond was yet in the dark due to lost time. But the reminder of that gravitational pull between you two was consistently there and progressing to its liking. Maybe little by little or jumping through barrels, who knew? All that mattered was that you were separated for almost a decade—

You’d always find yourselves back to one another.

-

It has been over a week since you and Taehyung had that fight. It really disappointed you that he forgot your parents’ death anniversary, but it bothered you even more that this was your biggest fight yet. You’ve done so much for your best friend and always tried to do what he asked you despite it being uncomfortable sometimes. He knew, he knew you knew. Yet he would still ask.

Asking him this one thing, this one important thing and he forgot it like it was nothing. It wasn’t something you could let off easily with Taehyung’s apologies and his intricate pouts. You had to be a little more stubborn than usual, so here you were—in your room alone on a sunny Saturday morning.

Since then, you haven’t spoken to Taehyung no matter how much he tried. If he did, you’d ignore him like the wind. When he tried hugging you, you pushed him off of you even going as far as throwing him on the grass. It was one of the hardest things to do especially when he lived next door and invited himself over at all times. You hated the distance. You missed him and his presence, but it had to be done for your voice to be heard. An apology wasn’t going to cut it. 

He was an insistent pest, calling your name and begging for your forgiveness from every angle you could think of. If only he knew you already forgave him, your heart couldn’t reject your best friend like that.

Today was not like the rest. After your fight—well, even before—Taehyung was your human alarm clock. Right on the dot of six in the morning. But it was the weekend, so it would be nine o’clock. However, there were no sounds or sight of your social butterfly anywhere. It was too quiet for your liking.

It frightened you.

Nonetheless, you went about through your morning. After washing up, you went out on the porch to water the plants. While hosing the pots down, you spotted someone coming out next door in your peripheral vision. You didn’t think anything else of it as it could have been anyone from Taehyung’s family, but then you saw the hue of bold red from his big-ass backpack stuffed as usual.

You shook your head, wondering what he was up to before paying attention back to your foliages and flora. Once you were done, you turned the hose off. You were about to turn away and go back into your house until a certain person came into your vicinity and closed the door when you tried opening it.

“Good morning, my lovely Blue.” He sounded radiant and energized.

For the first time since the fight, you finally acknowledged your best friend by staring at him right in the eyes with your tired and hurt once. The smile on his face grew the second the contact was mutual.

Before either of you could say anything, you pried open your front door. You made it in, but you couldn’t slam it shut as he ducked down and his arms wrapped around your waist then lifting you in the air. You yelped at the sudden action and unfortunately, it came naturally to encircle yours around his nape for support.

You felt him letting go, slipping in his hold which made you grip tighter. But then you noticed him maneuvering his hands under your thighs, putting you in a comfortable position.

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you go,” Taehyung reassured as he kicked the door closed. Though you were secured, you realized the position you were in and what he was doing. Suspicious of him, you wiggled to get out of his hold but he only gripped firmer. “Nuh uh, I got you now, so deal with it.”

You blew out of your nose and pulled a face of disgust. You glared at him intently, but he paid no attention as he walked you toward your room. His face remained smiley, but deep down, he was actually deathly afraid. He wanted you back and hated himself for what he did. He needed to truly make it up after he was a shitty best friend to his sweet true best friend in the whole universe.

Once in your room, he propped you down on your bed. You crossed your arms, avoiding his eyes by staring forward at the wall. There was no way he’d get to you this easily. You had to continue your stance.

You heard him sigh before walking towards you and kneeling in front. He laid his hands on your lap before gazing up, “Blue, please talk to me. I miss you.” You stayed silent, ignoring him. “I’m sorry for forgetting your parents’ anniversary. It wasn’t my intention to, but I did for some stupid party for friends who are no way near important compared to you.”

Your heart stung a little—friends. The same friends he’d go to have lunch with. The same ones who were in football with him. The same ones who invited him to parties and hangouts. The same ones he managed to forget your time with him.

You looked away and batted your eyes to keep the tears away. You didn’t want him to see you cry just yet. It was way too early in the morning for that.

“Blue, I know I can’t apologize enough for it. I’m stupid.” You really wanted to say “you are,” but bit your tongue to keep quiet. “So what I’m trying to say is…” He got up and reached out to hold your cheeks in his palms. “Let’s go have an adventure.”

His sentence threw you off to the point where you snorted and spoke for the first time. “I’m not going anywhere with you right now.” You retorted, slapping him away from you. “If you fucking think that a da—”

“Please, there’s a reason for it! But it’s a surprise.” He quickly countered. His eyes rapidly tried to find your agreement, but there was none…yet.

“Do you even deserve my time?” You spat back, making him internally bruise at your cruel words. You felt guilt roaming in you when you saw how hurt he looked, but you repressed it. “You should hang out with your other friends. I’m sure they’d want to hang out with your surprise. I’ll be fine alone.”

“___,” He spoke quietly. “Please, I miss you. I want my best friend back.”

“But do you even want me back?” His expression grew perplexed and had no response back. “Just forget what I said.” You shook your head. “Leav—”

“I’m not leaving you.” He protested. “This adventure is important, the reason is important, you are important, ___. Please.”

Your jaw clenched as you glared fiercely at Taehyung. He looked back with fear in his eyes. You were always the one in your friendship to get annoyed or angry very easily while Taehyung never did anything back. He was patient and usually the idiot to blame for his antics. He never was mad at you…at all.

Though you were still wary of him, you were curious about what exactly this adventure was. When he said these things, he would have reasons behind them and they were usually mindfully good. He knew he fucked up, so he should know not to do anything that would upset you even more.

“So what should I wear for this adventure?” You asked. Though you didn’t explicitly yes, he knew you were on board with this.

He smiled widely, forming his boxy structure at you that you missed so much. He grabbed your hands into his before sliding his nose on the back of them, just wanting to feel your skin. “Just change and be yourself.”

You nodded before kicking him out of your room. Sure, he has seen you bare (kinda) and vice versa but he was still on thin ice with you. By the time you were done, you had a small bag, fresh pair of going-out clothes on, and an unenthusiastic smile written on your face.

When you both went out of the house and down the front porch, he stopped you. You glanced at him, wondering what did he want. “Before we go, I want you to keep these on.” He grabbed something out of his bright backpack and presented it to you.

It was a blindfold.

You furrowed your brows, a bit disturbed and very confused. You opened your mouth to refuse, but closed it up when you reminded yourself that he wasn’t gonna give you a clear answer. With that, you nodded to let him put it on you. You were too nice to him for your own good.

“So am I just gonna walk blindly the entire time?” You asked once he tightened the fabric around your eyes.

“No, I’ll be your eyes,” Taehyung reassured. “As long as you trust me.” You gulped, staying quiet yet your face twisted at his words. That caused him to frown immediately before intertwining his fingers with yours. “Blue, you trust me right?”

“Of course.” There was no hesitation in your voice. “I always did, but…” You looked down despite seeing black in your vision. You knew he stayed right back at you, you could feel his eyes lingering. 

“I’ll make it up, I swear.” He promised, squeezing your hand. You could only hum, but it still wasn’t enough to convince you yet. “Just follow me, I’ll protect you.”

Somehow he managed to keep the blindfold on you for almost two and a half hours despite your begging and complaining. He told you to watch out and helped you step exactly where you should walk in and out of places.

Your other senses were heightened, eventually noticing how you went on a subway and then a bus ride through the sounds of the transportation. Yet you still didn’t know where you were exactly going. Halfway through you gave up and slept through the bus ride with the darkness around you, even cuddling to Taehyung’s side to which he accepted and laid his head on yours.

He woke you up to get off the stop. You were still in a daze, but you let him help you walk down the steps. But to your misfortune, there was still a long walk more to go and you were so tired and hungry. Taehyung linked his arm with yours, careful not to get you hurt. The distance felt so much longer with your eyes covered, you were getting annoyed again. 

“Taehyung, how much longer?” You whined, basically dragged yourself.

You heard him laugh, “Just this hill. I promise.”

You were about to complain again, but stop when you wafted the aroma of flowers near. Did he go through all this trouble for fucking flowers? Sure, you loved them but you didn’t think they were enough.

The environment was a soothing stillness though. You haven’t heard others around you for quite some time. Even the bus ride here felt empty. Where was he taking you?

It felt like climbing the hill was over because he finally lets go of you. He told you again to keep the fabric on, so you just waited. You heard rumbling and rummaging through his backpack and other things you couldn’t quite specify. 

You took a deep sigh, then you felt his presence near you, in front of you. You felt his hands going behind your head to loosen the blindfold off of you. He slowly removed them to help you adjust your eyes back to the light. You blinked rapidly, taking in a slightly blurred Taehyung before rubbing your pupils.

“You okay now, Blue?” He questioned, searching for any troubles. You nodded as you looked back at him, then turned your head to figure out where you were. In an instant, your irises widened with your mouth slightly apart.

You’ve been here before, exactly a week ago but this time, it was with your best friend instead of your grandparents. Right before your eyes rested the tombstones of your parents side by side. There was a green gingham picnic blanket placed down adjacent to the graves with packed meals and fruits laying on top of the fabric. Two glass bottles of flowers sat perfectly on each side of your parents.

You were completely mesmerized by the sight before you. Your tear ducts couldn’t be saved as tears fell down your cheeks and the sniffles started inflating your nose. Your body throbbed, releasing all the emotions you’ve bottled up until this point.

Taehyung wrapped his body around yours, immediately relaxing you and leaning into him. He kissed your hair as he swayed you both. He knew this would happen, feeling your emotions that he too cried with you as he finally was able to see your parents.

After what felt like forever, the two of you finally settled down and ate your lunch and snacks. You spent the entire afternoon with your parents, talking and reminiscing memories on your part. You explained to them who Taehyung was in your life and how much he meant to you. While you blabbered onto the tombstones, Taehyung’s eyes were only on you smiling at your teary smiles and giggles, enjoying every second of it.

“Thank you, Hyungie.” You told him with a loving smile and a warm hug to the side. “Thank you so much.”

He pulled you closer, bringing you to sit on his lap as he encircled his arms around your waist. You rested your hands over his, tilting your head back. “No need to thank me. I’ve been an idiot for letting you go through that.” He rested his chin on your shoulder as he gazed at the graves. “You’re my Blue; I’ll do anything for you.”

You sucked your lips into your mouth, wondering if it was time to tell him the truth. Maybe he’ll understand you much more, and be aware of how much you felt. “Taehyung…”

You never said his name unless you were serious or mad. He closed his eyes and scrunched his face in fear. “Am I in trouble again?”

You lightly chuckled and shook your head, “No.” You paused for a moment and let it out. “A-are-are you—do you even like that I’m your best friend?”

You turned back to face him, faces a few centimeters away but you didn’t care to dig deeper into that. His attention focused on you. You saw his hesitation, but it wasn’t because of what you expected. It wasn’t of regret or denial. It was something else that you couldn’t quite pinpoint. You’ve seen it before, but you could never figure it out.

“O—of course, why is that even a question, ___?” He finally replied.

You finally faced away from him and viewed your parents. “You’re a social butterfly, Hyungie. You’ve always been. You’re kind and sociable, and you put your heart into every single one of your friendships.” You began, but your eyes were reddening by the second. “You could have anyone as your best friend, but…you chose me.” The salty water flooded your tear ducts and your chest grew tighter.

Concern wasn’t enough to express how Taehyung felt when he saw you crying again. He never wanted to let go. He turned you around so that way you sat sideways as he made you lean yourself into his chest and neck, rubbing your back and letting you sob again.

“Why?” You wept softly, the whimpering breaking Taehyung’s heart. His face creased in puzzlement, still not understanding you. “Why did you choose me? I’m nothing like you. I’m quiet, it’s so hard for me to start a conversation! You’re so popular and fit into every group, and I feel like I’m so far behind you…and…I don’t deserve you!”

Taehyung lets out a sob, stubbornly shaking his head in denial. He pecked your forehead as he joined another crying session. “Never say that again. You deserve all of me as I do with you.” Words injected with sorrow and disappointment. The only disappointment in him was seeing another skin of you insecure about your ten-year friendship that he knew nothing about. He understood what others thought and did to you, but you never mentioned how you truly felt. “Why didn’t you tell me this is how you felt?”

“I never wanted you to feel bad about something you couldn’t control. You’re outgoing, Hyungie; I’m not. I didn’t want you to pity me just because I only rely on you.”

“I would only want you to rely on me.”

“And I’m also younger than you. It may be only by a year but it does make a difference since I don’t see you throughout the school day. Plus you have your football team.”

“I don’t care about that because right after school and practice, I’m excited to come back to you.”

“I’m a fucking hermit crab who likes to stay in and you love partying and enjoying the outside!”

“I love being with my little crab more than being outside.”

“Hyungie—”

“___, listen.” He hushed you, gently patting your hair as he watched you with teary warmness. Leaning into you, he rested his forehead onto yours. The both of you closed your eyes, breathing yourselves into one another. Muted weeping spilled out of you when you listened to him. “It was never, and I mean never my intention to let you hurt like that. I didn’t know how you felt about it. Other than forgetting, was that also why you were so angry and hurt?” 

You pouted and nodded. “I feel like I’m losing you as we get older. We’re getting our own values and interests apart from one another you’d want someone who fits more into you instead of this awkward needy recluse. I worry if I’m even a good best friend for you.”

He pulled back, making you open your puffy eyes. This was the most serious he presented himself to you. He breathed in and out before speaking, “You’re never going to lose me. If I do, which won’t happen, I’ll come back with a sword fight to have you again.” You grinned at how absurd he sounded but it all meant earnestly. “We’re getting older, sure, but I don’t want anyone like me. Have you met me?” You chuckled and moved into his chest. “I never thought about having another besides you. You’re more than a good best friend, ___. You’re my Blue and that will never change.”

Your lips quivered at his soft reassurance to you. You were so fearful and nervous about growing apart from him that all that was said overwhelmed you but in the best way possible.

“I’m sorry for forgetting again. Please forgive me.” Taehyung told you again.

“I will always forgive you.” You nodded before you laced your fingers with his. “Even if I’m mad or upset or hurt at you, I’ll always forgive you.”

He diverted his pupils toward the stones. “I’m sorry, auntie and uncle. I didn’t mean to miss meeting you. You have the most loving and tolerant daughter in the universe for being friends with this annoying bug.”

“You’re not a bug.” You cooed.

“Hey!”

You giggled then faded when you had to let something out, “I’m sorry for being so needy. It must be a lot for you.” 

“I love you being needy for me too.” He smiled pridefully. “It just means you want me all to yourself.”

You smacked his shoulder, blushing brightly. “That’s not what it means.”

“Yeah, sure, Blue.” Taehyung rolled his eyes as he wiped your stained features with his thumbs. “You better not be needy for anyone else.”

It was your turn to smile cockily. “Why, doesn’t seem a bit much? Maybe I should do it to someone else to take the load off.”

“It’s never too much for me. Give it to only me.” He pouted, tightening his hold to which you laughed. “Remember Blue, no one can replace you. Whether or not I have millions of friends, you’ll be my best friend, my Blue, the only one I want. No one else, I don’t care what others think. My Blue, okay?”

Your mouth curved shyly, then nodded sincerely. “Then you’re my Hyungie, okay?”

“That shouldn’t be a question. I’m the only Hyungie in your life.” He scoffed, baffled at your ask, letting you feel more at ease. “I love you, Blue.” He kissed your temple numerous times.

“I love you too, Hyungie.” 

You continued your time there in each other’s embrace, having so much weight lifted off. Solace and comfort remained, feeling alive once again in each other’s eyes. A promise being held so high and mighty to reassure the other that they were the only one in the world for one another.

A promise that may seem broken years later, yet still kept so eminent that no one could even see. Not even you and him.

Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf

#taehyung x reader #taehyung fic #taehyung fanfiction #kim taehyung x reader #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #kim taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #bts fanfic #bts fluff #bts smut #bts x reader #matcha masterlist

[imjustabeanie]

Hi! If it’s not too much trouble, could I request a romantic Mystic Messenger match up? ☺️💦

I’m panromantic and demisexual. My MBTI is INFP! I’m quiet, reserved, and introverted, but I’m told I seem to always be smiling. I prefer deep conversations to small talk, and I love listening to people talk about their passions. I laugh easily. My friends tell me I’m gentle and sweet, but that I can be too innocent because of my tendency to see the best in people. I can be overly empathetic and idealistic, so I might come off as naive at times. I believe in second chances and forgiveness, though I’m still learning how to be compassionate towards myself. I am an over-thinker and major perfectionist who tends to worry a lot. I’m told I’m similar to Beth March from Little Women and Tangled’s version of Rapunzel! My overall primary love language is physical touch, but my giving and reception of all five love languages are pretty evenly matched. I’m studying psychology and art! Appearance-wise, I’m quite short but have ankle-length hair. I like coordinating my outfits and wearing softer, elegant styles like skirts, bows, and floral dresses ^^

I always need time to myself to recharge later, but I like meeting new people and spending time with friends. I’m shy at first, but I can warm up to someone new pretty easily! I’m more of a listener than a talker, but if it seems like the other person is more comfortable with me being the one to talk, I can do that. I usually try to match whatever energy they have! With a romantic partner, I like someone who is kind and mature, who feels safe with me and I with them. I’d like it if we could explore bookstores and parks together and experience a mutual growth, as individuals who are together. My biggest pet peeves are probably when a person interrupts/talks over someone else and when a person spends all of their time blaming another for their personal problems. But I don’t think I have any specific deal breakers, as long as they're a generally good person.

Some of my favorite hobbies include drawing, reading, photography, and taking walks outside. In terms of books, I enjoy reading anything from the classics to comics! Despite being kind of scared of bugs, I like nature and flowers. I like spring weather and visiting art museums. Drawing especially is one of my absolute favorite things in the world, and more often than not you can find me painting or doodling in my sketchbook. I’d say it’s probably my defining passion, haha. I also really love to draw the people I care about! That being said, I enjoy any visual art or music related activities, as well. Among those are singing, swing dancing, and playing piano, though I’m not very good at them!

I hope that’s not too much!! Thank you so much for your time, and I hope you have a really lovely rest of your day <33

Howdy!

Your MysMes match is....Yoosung!

Yoosung would suit your gentle personality rather well. Even better than V in my opinion despite you and V sharing a lot of common interests. He's as good as a match as Yoosung to be honest.

You two are such an optimistic couple! Always in the honeymoon phase. Well he does have some V and Rika issue that you'll have to fight off...but once it's done you're in for a loyal and intense relationship.

Yoosung loves physical touch too! He'd be in such disbelief that you're so caring at first but then he'd gloat about having the best lover ever. It would even push him to touch more grass....He understands that you're shy at first. He can be too but his friendliness would make you two warm up to each other rather fast. He definitely fell first, especially with how empathetic and nice you are. But asking you out will take him some time because he's shy. You'll notice that he's in love cuz he'll talk to you more often, always asks for your inputs and try to get into your hobbies.

Yoosung is a rather clingy lover. You'll have to explain your need to recharge and once you do he'll tone it down the best he can. He's kind and is gonna become more mature don't worry lol. He's willing to change for you, heck he'll grow to like exploring and going out thanks to you! You'll know you got him when he's the one proposing more couple experiences outside of his comfort zone.

I headcanon him as a bookworm before he got into video games. You two would definitely enjoy books together! Yoosung also likes watching you draw and take pictures. He gets interested in your hobbies and ask about them. When you drew him, everyone knew within the minute. He's just so proud of you!

Yoosung is a really nice and bubbly boyfriend to have. While he does have his own issues, he does his best to overcome them so he can become a man deserving of you and not just a boy stuck in the past.

#matchups #match ups #mystic messenger

[oakviewcarehome]

A Gentle Approach: Navigating Dementia Care in Birmingham

Dementia, a complex and challenging condition, requires a specialized and compassionate approach to caregiving. Birmingham, like many other cities, faces the growing demand for dementia care services. This guide aims to shed light on navigating dementia care in Birmingham, offering insights into the unique considerations, support systems, and approaches that contribute to providing a gentle and effective care environment for individuals with dementia.

I. Understanding the Complexity of Dementia

Dementia is not a singular condition but an umbrella term encompassing various disorders that affect cognitive function. Common forms include Alzheimer's disease, vascular dementia, and Lewy body dementia. Each type presents unique challenges, making it essential for caregivers and professionals to understand the specific characteristics and needs associated with the individual's diagnosis.

By recognizing the complexity of dementia, caregivers can tailor their approach to meet the unique requirements of each person under their care, fostering a more empathetic and effective caregiving experience.

II. Creating a Supportive and Safe Environment

Individuals with dementia often face difficulties in navigating their surroundings. Creating a supportive and safe environment is crucial in mitigating potential hazards and ensuring the well-being of those with dementia. This involves simple modifications such as removing tripping hazards, using clear signage, and installing handrails to enhance mobility and safety.

Additionally, adapting the living space to include familiar and comforting elements aids in reducing confusion and anxiety. Personalized touches, such as familiar furniture and cherished belongings, contribute to a sense of continuity and security for individuals with dementia.

III. Specialized Training for Dementia Caregivers

Dementia care requires a unique set of skills and an understanding of the behavioral changes that may occur. Caregivers, whether family members or professionals, benefit greatly from specialized training in dementia care. This training equips them with the knowledge to navigate communication challenges, respond to behavioral changes, and provide emotional support to individuals with dementia.

Training programs often cover topics such as effective communication techniques, strategies for managing challenging behaviors, and creating meaningful activities that enhance the quality of life for individuals with dementia. Investing in ongoing education ensures that caregivers are well-equipped to meet the evolving needs of those in their care.

IV. Embracing Person-Centered Care

A gentle and effective approach to dementia care involves embracing person-centered care principles. This approach recognizes the individuality of each person with dementia and tailors care plans to their unique preferences, abilities, and history. Person-centered care goes beyond addressing physical needs; it acknowledges the importance of emotional and social well-being.

Engaging individuals with dementia in decision-making, incorporating their life history into daily activities, and fostering a sense of autonomy contribute to a more dignified and respectful caregiving experience. Person-centered care not only enhances the quality of life for individuals with dementia but also promotes a deeper connection between caregivers and those in their care.

V. Incorporating Therapeutic Activities

Therapeutic activities play a vital role in dementia care, providing cognitive stimulation, emotional expression, and a sense of purpose. Activities tailored to individual interests and abilities can be highly beneficial. These may include music therapy, art and craft activities, reminiscence therapy, and gentle physical exercises.

Engaging in regular therapeutic activities not only helps individuals with dementia maintain cognitive function but also provides opportunities for social interaction and emotional expression. Caregivers and care facilities can explore a variety of activities to discover what resonates best with each individual.

VI. Establishing Clear Communication Strategies

Communication can be a significant challenge in dementia care due to changes in language abilities and comprehension. Establishing clear communication strategies is essential for effective caregiving. This may involve using simple and direct language, maintaining eye contact, and providing visual cues to support verbal communication.

Additionally, active listening and observing non-verbal cues become crucial tools for caregivers. Understanding the emotions behind the words allows for a more empathetic response, fostering a sense of trust and connection between the caregiver and the individual with dementia.

Conclusion: Fostering Compassion and Understanding in Dementia Care

In conclusion, navigating dementia care homes in birmingham requires a gentle and nuanced approach that considers the complexity of the condition and the unique needs of each individual. Creating a supportive and safe environment, investing in specialized training for caregivers, embracing person-centered care principles, incorporating therapeutic activities, and establishing clear communication strategies contribute to a caregiving environment that prioritizes compassion and understanding.

As Birmingham continues to address the challenges associated with dementia care, a commitment to these principles ensures that individuals with dementia receive the care and support they deserve. By fostering a culture of empathy and continuous learning, the community can work together to create a more compassionate and dignified experience for those living with dementia.

[edwardstony2512]

The Smile Maestro: Unveiling Scottsdale's Best Dentist

Introduction:

In the realm of dental care, finding the best dentist is akin to discovering a maestro who orchestrates beautiful smiles. Scottsdale, with its reputation for excellence, is home to exceptional dental practitioners who stand out as smile maestros. This guide aims to unveil the qualities and attributes that define Scottsdale's best dentist, exploring the characteristics that set them apart, the patient-centered approach they adopt, and the transformative impact they have on oral health and smiles.

I. Qualities that Define the Best Dentist:

Expertise and Specialization: The best dentist in Scottsdale is characterized by a high level of expertise and specialization. They possess in-depth knowledge of various dental procedures and stay abreast of the latest advancements in the field. Whether it's general dentistry, cosmetic dentistry, or specialized treatments, the best dentist demonstrates a commitment to continuous learning and excellence.

Professional Credentials and Licensing: A reputable dentist in Scottsdale holds the necessary professional credentials and licensing. These credentials, often displayed in the dental office or available upon request, attest to the dentist's education, training, and adherence to ethical and professional standards. Patients can trust that their oral health is in capable hands when choosing a dentist with the right credentials.

II. Patient-Centered Approach:

Compassionate and Empathetic Care: The best dentist goes beyond technical expertise; they exhibit compassion and empathy in their approach to patient care. They understand that visiting the dentist may evoke anxiety or fear in some individuals and take measures to create a welcoming and comfortable environment. Compassionate care fosters trust and a positive patient experience.

Comprehensive and Individualized Treatment Plans: Every patient is unique, and the best dentist in Scottsdale recognizes this individuality. They invest time in understanding each patient's oral health history, concerns, and goals. The result is a comprehensive and individualized treatment plan that addresses the specific needs of the patient, whether it involves preventive care, restorative procedures, or cosmetic enhancements.

III. Cutting-Edge Technology and Techniques:

Adoption of Advanced Dental Technology: The best dentist in Scottsdale stays at the forefront of dental technology. From digital imaging and laser dentistry to computer-aided design and manufacturing (CAD/CAM) systems, they incorporate advanced tools and techniques to enhance diagnostics, treatment precision, and overall patient experience.

Commitment to Minimally Invasive Procedures: Modern dentistry places a premium on minimally invasive procedures that prioritize patient comfort and efficient recovery. Scottsdale's best dentist is committed to adopting techniques that minimize discomfort, preserve natural tooth structure, and promote swift healing. This commitment aligns with the evolving landscape of patient-centric care.

IV. Strong Communication and Patient Education:

Open and Transparent Communication: Effective communication is a hallmark of the best dentist in Scottsdale. They maintain open and transparent communication with patients, explaining procedures, discussing treatment options, and addressing any concerns or questions. Clear communication builds trust and empowers patients to actively participate in their oral health journey.

Patient Education Initiatives: A smile maestro in Scottsdale prioritizes patient education initiatives. They take the time to educate patients about proper oral hygiene practices, preventive measures, and the importance of regular dental check-ups. Patient education is seen as a collaborative effort to promote long-term oral health and well-being.

V. Transformative Impact on Oral Health and Smiles:

Prevention-Centric Approach: Scottsdale's best dentist embraces a prevention-centric approach to dentistry. They emphasize the significance of preventive care, encouraging regular check-ups, cleanings, and proactive measures to maintain optimal oral health. This approach aims to prevent dental issues before they escalate, contributing to long-term smile preservation.

Aesthetic Mastery in Cosmetic Dentistry: For those seeking cosmetic enhancements, the best dentist in Scottsdale demonstrates aesthetic mastery. Whether it's teeth whitening, veneers, or smile makeovers, the smile maestro possesses an artistic touch that combines technical skill with an understanding of facial aesthetics. The result is a radiant and natural-looking smile that enhances the patient's overall appearance.

Conclusion:

In Scottsdale, the quest for a brilliant and compassionate dentist unveils the presence of a smile maestro—the best dentist who combines expertise, patient-centered care, advanced technology, strong communication, and a transformative impact on oral health and smiles. The journey to optimal oral health is not merely a series of procedures but a symphony conducted by the skilled hands and compassionate heart of Scottsdale's best dentist.

Choosing a dentist is a personal decision, and individuals in Scottsdale can benefit from considering the qualities that define the smile maestro. Whether it's the commitment to comprehensive care, the adoption of cutting-edge technology, or the artistic mastery in cosmetic dentistry, the best dentist in Scottsdale is a beacon of excellence, orchestrating radiant smiles and contributing to the vibrant oral health landscape of the city.

[cosmicanger]

Against Innocence

Race, Gender, and the politics of Safety

JACKIE WANG

TW//anti-Blackness; d**th; violence

Saidiya V. Hartman: I think that gets at one of the fundamental ethical questions/problems/crises for the West: the status of difference and the status of the other. It’s as though in order to come to any recognition of common humanity, the other must be assimilated, meaning in this case, utterly displaced and effaced: “Only if I can see myself in that position can I understand the crisis of that position.” That is the logic of the moral and political discourses we see every day — the need for the innocent black subject to be victimized by a racist state in order to see the racism of the racist state. You have to be exemplary in your goodness, as opposed to ...

Frank Wilderson: [laughter] A nigga on the warpath!

While I was reading the local newspaper I came across a story that caught my attention. The article was about a 17 year-old boy from Baltimore named Isaiah Simmons who died in a juvenile facility in 2007 when five to seven counselors suffocated him while restraining him for hours. After he stopped responding they dumped his body in the snow and did not call for medical assistance for over 40 minutes. In late March 2012, the case was thrown out completely and none of the counselors involved in his murder were charged with anything. The article I found online about the case was titled “Charges Dropped Against 5 In Juvenile Offender’s Death.” By emphasizing that it was a juvenile offender who died, the article is quick to flag Isaiah as a criminal, as if to signal to readers that his death is not worthy of sympathy or being taken up by civil rights activists. Every comment left on the article was crude and contemptuous — the general sentiment was that his death was no big loss to society. The news about the case being thrown out barely registered at all. There was no public outcry, no call to action, no discussion of the many issues bound up with the case — youth incarceration, racism, the privatization of prisons and jails (he died at a private facility), medical neglect, state violence, and so forth — though to be fair, there was a critical response when the case initially broke.

For weeks after reading the article I kept contemplating the question: What is the difference between Trayvon Martin and Isaiah Simmons? Which cases galvanize activists into action, and which are ignored completely? In the wake of the Jena 6, Troy Davis, Oscar Grant, Trayvon Martin, and other high profile cases,1 I have taken note of the patterns that structure political appeals, particularly the way innocence becomes a necessary precondition for the launching of anti-racist political campaigns. These campaigns often center on prosecuting and harshly punishing the individuals responsible for overt and locatable acts of racist violence, thus positioning the State and the criminal justice system as an ally and protector of the oppressed. If the “innocence” of a Black victim is not established, he or she will not become a suitable spokesperson for the cause. If you are Black, have a drug felony, and are attempting to file a complaint with the ACLU regarding habitual police harassment — you are probably not going to be legally represented by them or any other civil rights organization anytime soon.2 An empathetic structure of feeling based on appeals to innocence has come to ground contemporary anti-racist politics. Within this framework, empathy can only be established when a person meets the standards of authentic victimhood and moral purity, which requires Black people, in the words of Frank Wilderson, to be shaken free of “niggerization.” Social, political, cultural, and legal recognition only happens when a person is thoroughly whitewashed, neutralized, and made unthreatening. The “spokesperson” model of doing activism (isolating specific exemplary cases) also tends to emphasize the individual, rather than the collective nature of the injury. Framing oppression in terms of individual actors is a liberal tactic that dismantles collective responses to oppression and diverts attention from the larger picture.

Using “innocence” as the foundation to address anti-Black violence is an appeal to the white imaginary, though these arguments are certainly made by people of color as well. Relying on this framework re-entrenches a logic that criminalizes race and constructs subjects as docile. A liberal politics of recognition can only reproduce a guilt-innocence schematization that fails to grapple with the fact that there is an a priori association of Blackness with guilt (criminality). Perhaps association is too generous — there is a flat-out conflation of the terms. As Frank Wilderson noted in “Gramsci’s Black Marx,” the cop’s answer to the Black subject’s question — why did you shoot me? — follows a tautology: “I shot you because you are Black; you are Black because I shot you.”3 In the words of Fanon, the cause is the consequence.4 Not only are Black men assumed guilty until proven innocent, Blackness itself is considered synonymous with guilt. Authentic victimhood, passivity, moral purity, and the adoption of a whitewashed position are necessary for recognition in the eyes of the State. Wilderson, quoting N.W.A, notes that “a nigga on the warpath” cannot be a proper subject of empathy.5 The desire for recognition compels us to be allies with, rather than enemies of the State, to sacrifice ourselves in order to meet the standards of victimhood, to throw our bodies into traffic to prove that the car will hit us rather than calling for the execution of all motorists. This is also the logic of rape revenge narratives — only after a woman is thoroughly degraded can we begin to tolerate her rage (but outside of films and books, violent women are not tolerated even when they have the “moral” grounds to fight back, as exemplified by the high rates of women who are imprisoned or sentenced to death for murdering or assaulting abusive partners).

We may fall back on such appeals for strategic reasons — to win a case or to get the public on our side — but there is a problem when our strategies reinforce a framework in which revolutionary and insurgent politics are unimaginable. I also want to argue that a politics founded on appeals to innocence is anachronistic because it does not address the transformation and re-organization of racist strategies in the post-civil rights era. A politics of innocence is only capable of acknowledging examples of direct, individualized acts of racist violence while obscuring the racism of a putatively colorblind liberalism that operates on a structural level. Posing the issue in terms of personal prejudice feeds the fallacy of racism as an individual intention, feeling or personal prejudice, though there is certain a psychological and affective dimension of racism that exceeds the individual in that it is shaped by social norms and media representations. The liberal colorblind paradigm of racism submerges race beneath the “commonsense” logic of crime and punishment. This effectively conceals racism, because it is not considered racist to be against crime. Cases like the execution of Troy Davis, where the courts come under scrutiny for racial bias, also legitimize state violence by treating such cases as exceptional. The political response to the murder of Troy Davis does not challenge the assumption that communities need to clean up their streets by rounding up criminals, for it relies on the claim that Davis is not one of those feared criminals, but an innocent Black man. Innocence, however, is just code for nonthreatening to white civil society. Troy Davis is differentiated from other Black men — the bad ones — and the legal system is diagnosed as being infected with racism, masking the fact that the legal system is the constituent mechanism through which racial violence is carried out (wishful last-minute appeals to the right to a fair trial reveal this — as if trials were ever intended to be fair!). The State is imagined to be deviating from its intended role as protector of the people, rather than being the primary perpetrator. H. Rap Brown provides a sobering reminder that, “Justice means ‘just-us-white-folks.’ There is no redress of grievance for Blacks in this country.”6

While there are countless examples of overt racism, Black social (and physical) death is primarily achieved via a coded discourse of “criminality” and a mediated forms of state violence carried out by a impersonal carceral apparatus (the matrix of police, prisons, the legal system, prosecutors, parole boards, prison guards, probation officers, etc). In other words — incidents where a biased individual fucks with or murders a person of color can be identified as racism to “conscientious persons,” but the racism underlying the systematic imprisonment of Black Americans under the pretense of the War on Drugs is more difficult to locate and generally remains invisible because it is spatially confined. When it is visible, it fails to arouse public sympathy, even among the Black leadership. As Loïc Wacquant, scholar of the carceral state, asks, “What is the chance that white Americans will identify with Black convicts when even the Black leadership has turned its back on them?”7 The abandonment of Black convicts by civil rights organizations is reflected in the history of these organizations. From 1975-86, the NAACP and the Urban League identified imprisonment as a central issue, and the disproportionate incarceration of Black Americans was understood as a problem that was structural and political. Spokespersons from the civil rights organizations related imprisonment to the general confinement of Black Americans. Imprisoned Black men were, as Wacquant notes, portrayed inclusively as “brothers, uncles, neighbors, friends.”8 Between 1986-90 there was a dramatic shift in the rhetoric and official policy of the NAACP and the Urban League that is exemplary of the turn to a politics of innocence. By the early 1990s, the NAACP had dissolved its prison program and stopped publishing articles about rehabilitation and post-imprisonment issues. Meanwhile these organizations began to embrace the rhetoric of individual responsibility and a tough-on-crime stance that encouraged Blacks to collaborate with police to get drugs out of their neighborhoods, even going as far as endorsing harsher sentences for minors and recidivists.

Black convicts, initially a part of the “we” articulated by civil rights groups, became them. Wacquant writes, “This reticence [to advocate for Black convicts] is further reinforced by the fact, noted long ago by W.E.B. DuBois, that the tenuous position of the black bourgeoisie in the socioracial hierarchy rests critically on its ability to distance itself from its unruly lower-class brethren: to offset the symbolic disability of blackness, middle-class African Americans must forcefully communicate to whites that they have ‘absolutely no sympathy and no known connections with any black man who has committed a crime.’”9 When the Black leadership and middle-class Blacks differentiate themselves from poorer Blacks, they feed into a notion of Black exceptionalism that is used to dismantle anti-racist struggles. This class of exceptional Blacks (Barack Obama, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell) supports the collective delusion of a post-race society.

The shift in the rhetoric and policy of civil rights organizations is perhaps rooted in a fear of affirming the conflation of Blackness and criminality by advocating for prisoners. However, not only have these organizations abandoned Black prisoners — they shore up and extend the Penal State by individualizing, depoliticizing, and decontextualizing the issue of “crime and punishment” and vilifying those most likely to be subjected to racialized state violence. The dis-identification with poor, urban Black Americans is not limited to Black men, but also Black women who are vilified via the figure of the Welfare Queen: a lazy, sexually irresponsible burden on society (particularly hard-working white Americans). The Welfare State and the Penal State complement one another, as Clinton’s 1998 statements denouncing prisoners and ex-prisoners who receive welfare or social security reveal: he condemns former prisoners receiving welfare assistance for deviously committing “fraud and abuse” against “working families” who “play by the rules.”10 Furthermore, this complementarity is gendered. Black women are the shock absorbers of the social crisis created by the Penal State: the incarceration of Black men profoundly increases the burden put on Black women, who are force to perform more waged and unwaged (caring) labor, raise children alone, and are punished by the State when their husbands or family members are convicted of crimes (for example, a family cannot receive housing assistance if someone in the household has been convicted of a drug felony). The re-configuration of the Welfare State under the Clinton Administration (which imposed stricter regulations on welfare recipients) further intensified the backlash against poor Black women. On this view, the Welfare State is the apparatus used to regulate poor Black women who are not subjected to regulation, directed chiefly at Black men, by the Penal State — though it is important to note that the feminization of poverty and the punitive turn in non-violent crime policy led to an 400% increase in the female prison population between 1980 and the late 1990s.11 Racialized patterns of incarceration and the assault on the urban poor are not seen as a form of racist state violence because, in the eyes of the public, convicts (along with their families and associates) deserve such treatment. The politics of innocence directly fosters this culture of vilification, even when it is used by civil rights organizations.

WHITE SPACE

[C]rime porn often presents a view of prisons and urban ghettoes as “alternate universes” where the social order is drastically different, and the links between social structures and the production of these environments is conveniently ignored. In particular, although they are public institutions, prisons are removed from everyday US experience.12

The spatial politics of safety organizes the urban landscape. Bodies that arouse feelings of fear, disgust, rage, guilt, or even discomfort must be made disposable and targeted for removal in order to secure a sense of safety for whites. In other words, the space that white people occupy must be cleansed. The visibility of poor Black bodies (as well as certain non-Black POC, trans people, homeless people, differently-abled people, and so forth) induces anxiety, so these bodies must be contained, controlled, and removed. Prisons and urban ghettoes prevent Black and brown bodies from contaminating white space. Historically, appeals to the safety of women have sanctioned the expansion of the police and prison regimes while conjuring the racist image of the Black male rapist. With the rise of the Women’s Liberation Movement in the 1970s came an increase in public awareness about sexual violence. Self-defense manuals and classes, as well as Take Back the Night marches and rallies, rapidly spread across the country. The 1970s and 1980s saw a surge in public campaigns targeted at women in urban areas warning of the dangers of appearing in public spaces alone. The New York City rape squad declared that “[s]ingle women should avoid being alone in any part of the city, at any time.”13 In The Rational Woman’s Guide to Self-Defense (1975), women were told, “a little paranoia is really good for every woman.”14 At the same time that the State was asserting itself as the protector of (white) women, the US saw the massive expansion of prisons and the criminalization of Blackness. It could be argued that the State and the media opportunistically seized on the energy of the feminist movement and appropriated feminist rhetoric to establish the racialized Penal State while simultaneously controlling the movement of women (by promoting the idea that public space was inherently threatening to women). People of this perspective might hold that the media frenzy about the safety of women was a backlash to the gains made by the feminist movement that sought to discipline women and promote the idea that, as Georgina Hickey wrote, “individual women were ultimately responsible for what happened to them in public space.”15 However, in In an Abusive State: How Neoliberalism Appropriated the Feminist Movement Against Sexual Violence, Kristin Bumiller argues that the feminist movement was actually “a partner in the unforeseen growth of a criminalized society”: by insisting on “aggressive sex crime prosecution and activism,” feminists assisted in the creation of a tough-on-crime model of policing and punishment.16

Regardless of what perspective we agree with, the alignment of racialized incarceration and the proliferation of campaigns warning women about the dangers of the lurking rapist was not a coincidence. If the safety of women was a genuine concern, the campaigns would not have been focused on anonymous rapes in public spaces, since statistically it is more common for a woman to be raped by someone she knows. Instead, women’s safety provided a convenient pretext for the escalation of the Penal State, which was needed to regulate and dispose of certain surplus populations (mostly poor Blacks) before they became a threat to the US social order. For Wacquant, this new regime of racialized social control became necessary after the crisis of the urban ghetto (provoked by the massive loss of jobs and resources attending deindustrialization) and the looming threat of Black radical movements.17 The torrent of uprisings that took place in Black ghettoes between 1963-1968, particularly following the murder of Martin Luther King in 1968, were followed by a wave of prison upheavals (including Attica, Solidad, San Quentin, and facilities across Michigan, Tennessee, Oklahoma, Illinois, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania). Of course, these upheavals were easier to contain and shield from public view because they were cloaked and muffled by the walls of the penitentiary.

The engineering and management of urban space also demarcates the limits of our political imagination by determining which narratives and experiences are even thinkable. The media construction of urban ghettoes and prisons as “alternate universes” marks them as zones of unintelligibility, faraway places that are removed from the everyday white experience. Native American reservations are another example of a “void” zone that white people can only access through the fantasy of media representations. What happens in these zones of abjection and vulnerability does not typically register in the white imaginary. In the instance that an “injustice” does register, it will have to be translated into more comprehensible terms.

When I think of the public responses to Oscar Grant and Trayvon Martin, it seems significant that these murders took place in spaces that the white imaginary has access to, which allows white people to narrativize the incidents in terms that are familiar to them. Trayvon was gunned down while visiting family in a gated neighborhood; Oscar was murdered by a police officer in an Oakland commuter rail station. These spaces are not “alternate universes” or void-zones that lie outside white experience and comprehension. To what extent is the attention these cases have received attributable to the encroachment of violence on spaces that white people occupy? What about cases of racialized violence that occur outside white comfort zones? When describing the spatialization of settler colonies, Frantz Fanon writes about “a zone of non-being, an extraordinary sterile and arid region,” where “Black is not a man.”18 In the regions where Black is not man, there is no story to be told. Or rather, there are no subjects seen as worthy of having a story of their own.

TRANSLATION

When an instance of racist violence takes place on white turf, as in the cases of Trayvon Martin and Oscar Grant, there is still the problem of translation. I contend that the politics of innocence renders such violence comprehensible only if one is capable of seeing themselves in that position. This framework often requires that a white narrative (posed as the neutral, universal perspective) be grafted onto the incidents that conflict with this narrative. I was baffled when a call for a protest march for Trayvon Martin made on the Occupy Baltimore website said, “The case of Trayvon Martin – is symbolic of the war on youth in general and the devaluing of young people everywhere.” I doubt George Zimmerman was thinking, I gotta shoot that boy because he’s young! No mention of race or anti-Blackness could be found in the statement; race had been translated to youth, a condition that white people can imaginatively access. At the march, speakers declared that the case of “Trayvon Martin is not a race issue — it’s a 99% issue!” As Saidiya Hartman has asserted in a conversation with Frank Wilderson, “the other must be assimilated, meaning in this case, utterly displaced and effaced.”19

In late 2011, riots exploded across London and the UK after Mark Duggan, a Black man, was murdered by the police. Many leftist and liberals were unable to grapple with the unruly expression of rage among largely poor and unemployed people of color, and refused to support the passionate outburst they saw as disorderly and delinquent. Even leftists fell into the trap of framing the State and property owners (including small business owners) as victims while criticizing rioters for being politically incoherent and opportunistic. Slavoj Žižek, for instance, responded by dismissing the riots as a “meaningless outburst” in an article cynically titled “Shoplifters of the World Unite.” Well-meaning leftists who felt obligated to affirm the riots often did so by imposing a narrative of political consciousness and coherence onto the amorphous eruption, sometimes recasting the participants as “the proletariat” (an unemployed person is just a worker without a job, I was once told) or dissatisfied consumers whose acts of theft and looting shed light on capitalist ideology.20 These leftists were quick to purge and re-articulate the anti-social and delinquent elements of the riots rather than integrate them into their analysis, insisting on figuring the rioter-subject as “a sovereign deliberate consciousness,” to borrow a phrase from Gayatri Chakravorty Spivak.21

Following the 1992 LA riots,22 leftist commentators often opted to define the event as a rebellion rather than a riot as a way to highlight the political nature of people’s actions. This attempt to reframe the public discourse is borne of “good intentions” (the desire to combat the conservative media’s portrayal of the riots as “pure criminality”), but it also reflects the an impulse to contain, consolidate, appropriate, and accommodate events that do not fit political models grounded in white, Euro-American traditions. When the mainstream media portrays social disruptions as apolitical, criminal, and devoid of meaning, leftists often respond by describing them as politically reasoned. Here, the confluence of political and anti-social tendencies in a riot/rebellion are neither recognized nor embraced. Certainly some who participated in the London riots were armed with sharp analyses of structural violence and explicitly political messages — the rioters were obviously not politically or demographically homogenous. However, sympathetic radicals tend to privilege the voices of those who are educated and politically astute, rather than listening to those who know viscerally that they are fucked and act without first seeking moral approval. Some leftists and radicals were reluctant to affirm the purely disruptive perspectives, like those expressed by a woman from Hackney, London who said, “We’re not all gathering together for a cause, we’re running down Foot Locker.”23 Or the excitement of two girls stopped by the BBC while drinking looted wine. When asked what they were doing, they spoke of the giddy “madness” of it all, the “good fun” they were having, and said that they were showing the police and the rich that “we can do what we want.”24 Translating riots into morally palatable terms is another manifestation of the appeal to innocence — rioters, looters, criminals, thieves, and disruptors are not proper victims and hence, not legitimate political actors. Morally ennobled victimization has become the necessary precondition for determining which grievances we are willing to acknowledge and authorize.

Continue Reading at link

[assessmentstrategies]

Unlocking the Shadows: Take the Dark Empath Test

Welcome to this in-depth exploration of the Dark Empath Test, a fascinating psychological assessment that delves into the complexities of human empathy and its darker aspects. Empathy is a critical trait that allows us to understand and share the emotions of others, fostering connections and compassion. However, when empathy takes a darker turn, it can lead to manipulation, emotional exploitation, and harm. In this blog, we'll uncover the uses of the Dark Empath Test, its origins, its significance, and its implications for our understanding of human behavior.

I. What is the Dark Empath Test?

The Dark Empath Test is a psychometric evaluation designed to measure a person's empathetic capabilities, particularly in situations where they might exhibit dark or manipulative tendencies. Unlike standard empathy tests that focus on measuring the positive aspects of empathy, this test explores the potential for malicious or harmful behavior that could arise from empathetic abilities.

II. Understanding Empathy and Its Dimensions:

To comprehend the Dark Empath Test fully, it's essential to grasp the multifaceted nature of empathy. Empathy can be broken down into different dimensions, including cognitive empathy (understanding others' emotions), emotional empathy (feeling others' emotions), and compassionate empathy (the desire to help others). These dimensions interact in unique ways and can be harnessed for both good and ill intentions.

III. The Development of the Dark Empath Test:

The concept of the dark side of empathy is relatively recent and has its roots in the broader study of personality and dark traits. Researchers have been exploring the "Dark Triad" of personality traits: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy. These traits often involve manipulative tendencies, lack of empathy, and self-centeredness. The Dark Empath Test emerged from the desire to understand empathy's role in these dark personality traits and to identify individuals with such inclinations.

IV. The Mechanics of the Dark Empath Test:

The Dark Empath Test typically involves a series of scenarios or vignettes that present morally ambiguous situations. Participants are asked to respond to these scenarios, revealing their thoughts, emotions, and potential actions. The test carefully measures the extent to which a person's responses align with dark empathetic tendencies.

V. Key Traits and Indicators:

While the specific traits assessed in the Dark Empath Test may vary, some common indicators include:

a) Emotional Contagion: The ability to "infect" others with one's emotions, often used for manipulation. b) Emotional Exploitation: The use of emotional understanding to exploit others' vulnerabilities. c) Empathic Distress: Taking pleasure in the suffering or distress of others. d) Emotional Schadenfreude: Deriving satisfaction from others' misfortune.

VI. Implications and Ethical Considerations:

As with any psychological test, the Dark Empath Test raises ethical concerns. It is vital to ensure proper informed consent, confidentiality, and debriefing for participants. Moreover, the results of the test should be interpreted carefully, as they do not definitively predict harmful behavior. The Dark Empath Test should be used as one tool in a broader psychological assessment rather than a sole determinant of a person's character.

VII. The Road to Self-Awareness and Growth:

The Dark Empath Test not only serves as a means to identify potential dark empathetic traits but also offers an opportunity for individuals to become more self-aware. Recognizing these tendencies can empower individuals to actively work towards personal growth and avoid succumbing to harmful behaviors.

Conclusion:

In conclusion, the Dark Empath Test is a thought-provoking psychological assessment that sheds light on the complex nature of empathy and its potential dark manifestations. By understanding these aspects of empathy, we can foster healthier and more compassionate connections with others. While the test should be used responsibly and ethically, it offers an exciting opportunity for introspection and personal development. Embracing our empathetic nature and channeling it positively can pave the way for a more empathetic and harmonious world.

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Assessment Strategies – Weebly

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[chosenrule]

17. What are your opinions when someone makes negative posts constantly on their rp blog?

Munday Salt ; Accepting     @xkuja

I guess it kind of depends upon what it is? Mind, I can’t really.... Think of exceptions to what I’m about to say, but they do exist... Probably. But here’s my main thing: I don’t have the fucking empathy to feel bad for people a lot, nor do I have the mental energy to try and convince myself that I do. And people constantly posting dumb shit on their blog like the phrase ‘negative posts’ evokes in my mind is practically begging for me to care. I do not, and probably will only care less for having to put up with it even momentarily. ( Mind you, I do not feel the same way about seeing the rare negative post or two; the whole context is entirely different for me. )

Ofc I kind of get it, screaming into the void can be genuinely helpful for some people -- but if I’m following you, I’m inclined to say it ain’t the platform for that bucko. Make a new blog. Might I suggest a personal? Bc frankly rp blogs really ought to be just that, or it’s false advertising and I’m cursing all your cinnamon rolls to be stale forevermore.

Idk fam. I know part of it’s simply that I’ve been through some shit and I’m not so much on the humanity for it. But I feel like the best course of action’s venting to someone who’s either asked or said they’re in a space where they can handle it. Otherwise you’re draining the people around you.

But hey. They made the block button for a reason so tbfh it’s not something I actually have to put up with for more than I’m willing.

#xkuja #return as heroes who have fought and conquered // asks. #kai su teknon ; see you in hell punk // writer speak. #I can be v empathetic to specific individuals #and sometimes on a small-scale case by case basis #but on the whole? #who's empathy idk that bitch #I once told a classmate that the lab was no place for emotions #except the world is my lab #and I refuse to leave #.... Also not for stupid shit I don't want to deal with #which is a LOT #but like fuck you I deserve to not have to deal with it #I deserve nothing short of perfect harmonious pampering #and I will RIOT if not allowed it #or you know #if someone tries to GIVE it to me #it's my business stay out

[astrologyandlife]

the complete guide to astrology - revised

i. introduction

what is astrology? how can we use it to improve our lives? how do we go about studying a seemingly complex subject with such a large body of literature? in this post, i hope to give you guys a solid idea of the basics while providing resources for further reading and learning, curated by yours truly.

to start, astrology is defined as "the divination of the supposed influences of the stars and planets on human affairs and terrestrial events by their positions and aspects" (source). its primary use in modern times is as a tool of self-discovery. this is done through a natal chart, which is outlined below.

of course, astrology is used for many other things, ranging from examining relationships, to predicting the outcome of future events, to even locating lost objects. there are many branches of astrology that each have their own set of rules and methods for interpretation of the chart. i will go into more detail about some of these other branches soon. however, all astrology uses the same framework. so what is that?

***before i go further, i want to note that this guide contains a comprehensive resources section, section v, which contains a lot of helpful supplementary information such as cafeastrology's article on understanding the astrological chart wheel, a full glossary of astrological terms, and various subjects not explicitly defined or covered in-depth in this guide like retrograde planets and interceptions.***

now onto the guide! :-)

ii. the framework

perhaps the key piece of astrology is the natal chart:

the natal chart is a visual representation of where the celestial bodies were at the time of birth. it seems complex at first glance, but it is possible to break it down to better understand it. in this section, i will elaborate on four components that come together to form the picture. These are the zodiac signs (inner ring), planets (around the ring), aspects (lines in the middle), and houses (numbers on the outer ring).

zodiac signs

in astrology, the zodiac signs are the most essential, core pieces of the puzzle. this is because they represent traits or energies. they are modes of expression. aries: cardinal + fire, enthusiastic, passionate, impatient, childlike, leader, hotheaded, dynamic, quick to react, competitive, impulsive, direct, outgoing, extroverted, positive. ruled by mars and the first house. taurus: fixed + earth, stubborn, patient, strong-willed, down-to-earth, hard workers, sensual, persevering, materialistic, focused, strong, realistic, enduring, habitual, hard to anger, love of nature. ruled by venus and the second house. gemini: mutable + air, chatty, social butterflies, adaptable, flexible, clever, witty, sarcastic, curious, scattered, lighthearted, changeable, multitaskers, jack-of-all-trades, smart, flighty. ruled by mercury and the third house. cancer: cardinal + water, emotional, sensitive, gentle, intuitive, motherly, moody, defensive, protective, caring, empathetic, imaginative, sentimental, passive, introverted, shy, homebody. ruled by the moon and the fourth house. leo: fixed + fire, confident, dramatic, theatrical, warm, generous, supportive, strong-willed, loyal, honest, authentic, loves pleasure, big personality, self-centered, courageous, magnetic, expressive, assertive. ruled by the sun and the fifth house. virgo: mutable + earth, methodical, serious, perfectionist, critical, practical, detail-oriented, analytical, competent, helpful, enjoys service, reserved, sensible, down-to-earth, intellectual. ruled by mercury and the sixth house. libra: cardinal + air, outgoing, friendly, agreeable, diplomatic, avoids conflict, polite, charming, refined, pacifistic, tolerant, craves connection, indecisive, romantic, artistic, hesitant, fair, good conversationalist, gossip. ruled by venus and the seventh house. scorpio: fixed + water, secretive, possessive, introverted, honest, genuine, intense, independent, lone wolf type, intuitive, analytical, persistent, passionate, ambitious, proud, committed, clever, competitive. ruled by pluto and the eighth house. sagittarius: mutable + fire, optimistic, positive, big picture thinkers, extroverted, jovial, loves adventure, blunt, straightforward, open-minded, future-oriented, faithful, independent, energetic, needs freedom. ruled by jupiter and the ninth house. capricorn: cardinal + earth, serious, disciplined, mature, takes responsibility, hard-working, thoughtful, traditional, dry sense of humor, objective, independent, ambitious, reliable, patient. ruled by saturn and the tenth house. aquarius: fixed + air, progressive, eccentric, independent, needs freedom, detached, intellectual, authentic, accepting, open-minded, non-judgemental, outgoing, determined, humanitarian, future-oriented. ruled by uranus and the eleventh house. pisces: artistic, sensitive, distant look, compassionate, empathetic, escapist, intuitive, heart over head, understanding, introspective, needs alone time, soft-spoken, emotional, imaginative, faithful, romantic, fluid, adaptable. ruled by neptune and the twelfth house.

planets

the planets give direction to the traits expressed by the zodiac signs. this direction comes in the form of facets of our personalities. personal/"inner" planets sun: ego, general personality, vitality, focus, father figure. domicile=leo / detriment=aquarius / exalted=aries / fall=libra moon: emotions, intuitions, gut reactions, instincts, needs, mother figure. domicile=cancer / detriment=capricorn / exalted=taurus / fall=scorpio mercury: communication, mental abilities, information processing. domicile=gemini or virgo / detriment=sagittarius or pisces / exalted=virgo / fall=pisces venus: romance, personal style, love style, attraction, taste. domicile=taurus or libra / detriment=scorpio or aries / exalted=pisces / fall=virgo mars: drive, motivations, anger, physical attraction, physical activity. domicile=aries/ detriment=libra/ exalted=capricorn / fall=cancer

impersonal/"outer" planets jupiter: expansion + growth, talents, opportunities, luck. domicile=sagittarius / detriment=gemini / exalted=cancer / fall=capricorn saturn: fears, where we feel repressed/restricted, where we must learn and become disciplined. domicile=capricorn/ detriment=cancer/ exalted=libra / fall=aries uranus: individuality, eccentric/uniqueness, suddenness, technology. domicile=aquarius / detriment=leo / exalted=scorpio / fall=taurus neptune: confusion, blurred lines, lack of boundaries, deception, sacrifice, dreams. domicile=pisces / detriment=virgo / exalted=cancer / fall=capricorn pluto: transformation, raw power, death, secrets. domicile=scorpio / detriment=taurus / exalted=aquarius / fall=leo

planets in their domicile or exalted sign are said to be strong, while planets in their detriment or fall sign are weak. stronger planets express themselves much more naturally. weaker planets can bring problems into the individual's life, especially if poorly aspected.

aspects

the next step is the aspects, which is the interaction between these facets of our personality and how easily we express them. positive aspects are marked green, negative are marked red. conjunction (0°): the unification of two planets that allows their energies to merge and be expressed as one. square (90°): tension between two planets that creates conflict or patterns of avoidance. opposition (180°): tension between two planets that results in conflict or patterns of projection. quincunx (150°): completely different energies that are unable to be integrated or properly managed. trine (120°): two planets that mesh well together, often manifesting as a talent or skill within the individual. sextile (60°): two planets with energy so similar they are seamlessly and effortlessly expressed together.

houses

finally, the houses represent the stage where all of this expression occurs in our external life. first (ascendant, ASC): first impressions, physical appearance, the vibe we give off, our view/philosophy of life. second: our values, sense of self-worth and confidence, money, physical possessions. third: communication style, early education, siblings, neighbors and neighborhood, thinking patterns, short trips. fourth (imum coeli, IC): home, family, the house, early life + childhood, background, roots, memories, father figure. fifth: self-expression, creativity, hobbies, interests, children, pleasure, short-term relationships. sixth: physical health, daily routine, coworkers, job, pets, service to others. seventh (descendant, DSC): marriage, spouse, long-term relationships, other people. eighth: shared resources, inheritances, death, transformation, crisis, hidden things. ninth: higher education, travel, foreign/distant places, diversity, expansion and growth. tenth (midheaven, MC): career, reputation, online persona, success, goals for the future, mother figure. eleventh: groups and organizations, the wider collective, our friend group, wishes and aspirations. twelfth: losses, grief and sorrow, subconscious or unconscious things, confusion, lack of boundaries, sacrifice.

iii. the interpretation process + notes

to interpret a natal chart, i have a specific process that i utilize. i will outline it in this section, giving notes along the way where i see fit. there are many ways of interpreting charts, however, so use this more as a guide than a hard and fast rule.

✨the process ✨

look at the chart as a whole, taking notice of: a. planets clustered together in one sign/house (note: 3+ planets in a house is called a stellium) b. planets "sitting on/"conjunct the angles (1st, 4th, 7th, or 10th) c. lone planets that are just sitting by themselves d. completely empty houses e. major aspect patterns, such as the t-square, grand trine, etc.

next, look at the sign of the ascendant and determine the chart ruler a. examine the condition of both, such as major aspects (aspects of 5° or less)

check out the sun's sign, house, and major aspects

do the same for the moon, and consider the relationship it has to the sun

next, check out the sign, house, and major aspects of the three other personal planets

look at the three other angles: the IC, DSC, and MC to determine their condition

look at the house and any major aspects to personal planets for the outer planets

find the lord of any empty houses and determine what house it sits in, as well as its condition there

finally, any asteroids or minor bodies of interest a. typically these only influence the individual if they make an aspect to the personal planets or angles, like outer planets

some other things to take into account: which element/planet/sign is dominant in the chart, where the ruler of each house sits, are there planets at 0° or 29°, degree theory, midpoints, and planets in retrograde.

iv. other chart types

so far, i've exclusively been talking about the natal chart. however, there are several chart types with other purposes ranging from examining the compatibility of two people, to predicting what might occur in the year ahead, to even answering questions. i'll give a brief run-down of some of them here:

solar return: a chart drawn for the exact moment the sun returns to the sign and degree it was at when you were born. it is said to represent what will occur in the year ahead.

synastry: this chart examines the relationship between two people by seeing how both of their charts interact with each other. it is a representation of how they affect each other.

composite: like the synastry chart, a composite looks at the relationship between two people. it does this by creating a chart of the midpoints between the placements of their charts. it is a representation of the relationship itself and what it's like.

progressed: a chart that shows how a person's personality and life circumstances change over time, calculated by adding one day to your birthday for every year of your life.

draconic: a chart that supposedly represents your "true nature," which is who you were before your life experiences. it works by setting the north node to aries and adjusting every other placement accordingly.

transit: this is simply a chart of what the sky looks like on any given day. this can be compared to a natal chart to see what influences are acting on an individual or to examine long-term trends.

these are by no means all of the chart types, or even the most important, but they are the most common ones you will see discussed here. furthermore, every chart type uses the same framework and many of the same rules in regards to interpretation, making them extremely valuable tools to have in your toolset!

v. resources

below here is a list of websites, articles, tools, etc. that are extremely helpful for learning astrology. every single resource in this list is 100% approved by me, and i have used or read through all of them myself, many of which i still refer back to now. there are also resources that go more in-depth about some of the topics mentioned in this guide, if you're confused or want to know more. feel free to take a peek!

websites a. https://advanced-astrology.com/ b. http://astrologyking.com/ c. https://astromatrix.org/ d. https://www.astro-seek.com/ e. https://www.alwaysastrology.com/index.html f. http://www.thedarkpixieastrology.com/ g. https://cafeastrology.com/ h. https://www.astrology.com/learn i. https://www.astrologyweekly.com/forum/index.php j. http://www.astrologersforum.com/forum/index.php

calculators a. https://www.astrotheme.com/horoscope_chart_sign_ascendant.php b. https://www.astro.com/cgi/genchart.cgi c. https://astro.cafeastrology.com/natal.php d. https://horoscopes.astro-seek.com/birth-chart-horoscope-online e. https://astro-charts.com/tools/new/birthchart/

blogs a. @astrologymarina b. @astraltwelve c. @astrolovecosmos d. @twelvehousemoon e. @ms-m-astrologer f. @saintzjenx

faq/specific resources/what's on my bookmarks bar a. A glossary of astrology-related terms b. how fast do the planets move through the signs? c. what is degree theory? d. which signs square and oppose each other? e. how do you find your dominant sign/planet/etc? f. astrology 101 by astrologymarina g. what are retrogrades? h. a brief interpretation for every planet in every sign i. a complete ephemeris up to the 22nd century j. what are interceptions? k. what are the 29th and 0 degree? l. how to read the chart wheel?

books a. the only astrology book you'll ever need, joanne martine woolfolk b. chart interpretation handbook, stephen arroyo c. the twelve houses, howard sasportas d. aspects in astrology, sue thompkins e. discover the aspect pattern in your birth chart: a comprehensive guide, glenn mitchell f. the art of forecasting using solar return charts, anthony louis g. the astrology of family dynamics, erin sullivan h. midpoints: identify and integrate midpoints into horoscope synthesis, don mcbroom i. retrograde planets: traversing the inner landscape, erin sullivan

vi. final notes

you did it! this is the end of my revised guide to astrology, and hopefully this has been helpful for you to understand the basic workings of the practice. astrology can be really rewarding and fascinating, and even after eight years i still come across topics that i've never heard about!

as always, my inbox is open for any questions you may have. if anything is unclear or you think of ways to improve this guide, feel free to tell me as well. thanks for sticking with me, folks!

#i did it boys #i revised my guide #astrology #natal chart #other #guide

[imasimpforshanks]

Hiya ! Could I request Marco from op and the fluff alphabet ??? Thank you so much and hope you’re doing well 💕💕💕

Fluff Alphabet - Marco

a/n: hiiii!! Thank you for requesting! I hope you enjoy this 💗 I absolutely adore Marco 😭

A-Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

Marco enjoys to anything domestic really. Just spending time with you in any way, shape or form is enough for him. The two of you could be lounging about on the deck of the Moby Dick or you could be exploring a new island – if it’s together, he doesn’t mind what it is you’re doing.

B-Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

Your heart is one of the most beautiful things about you. It’s so kind, always filled with empathy and a selfless desire to put others before yourself. He’s never met someone like you and every time he looks at you he can’t stop thinking about how blessed he is that you chose to be with him of all people.

C-Comfort (how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?)

Marco undoubtedly gives the best advice. He is amazing with words and always knows exactly what needs to be said. He also makes it abundantly clear that you are not going through this alone – he is there to lean on any time you need it.

D-Dreams (how do they picture the future with their s/o?)

He doesn’t envision his future as being any different from how it is now. Sure, he can see you two settling down eventually, after his time as a pirate has come to an end, he can also MAYBE see a child or two if that’s what his partner wants. But other than that, he’s enjoying things just as they are, and honestly, he doesn’t really want anything to change for a while.

E-Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or rather passive?)

If needed Marco can be more dominant, putting his foot down and being the decisive one. However, more often than not, he tends to just go with the flow of the relationship - he’ll openly and actively listen to what you have to say and if it doesn’t sit right with him then he will communicate that to you.

F-Fight (would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?)

Marco is great at holding his tongue and remaining calm during any kind of fight or disagreement with his s/o. He doesn’t want to say or do anything he might regret. Also, he’s extremely quick to forgive. Life is too short to fight with the ones that you love.

G-Gratitude (how grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

Not a day goes by where Marco doesn’t thank you for being a part of his life. Sometimes he just outright tells you how thankful he is. Other times he performs little acts of service to show his gratitude. He is always making sure you know how grateful he is.

H-Honesty (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

Marco is one of the best people ever at communicating in a relationship. Honesty is extremely important to him. He shares practically everything with you without hesitation and he trusts you to do the same.

He only keeps a secret if it involves some sort of a surprise for you.

I-Inspiration (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

He’s an extremely easy-going individual who likes to take things as they come. So, throughout your relationship Marco has taught you the joy and pleasure that lies in going with the flow.

J-Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?)

It takes a lot for him to get jealous. In fact, I’d say Marco rarely gets jealous – honestly, it’s practically NEVER. There’s no reason for him to be jealous because he doesn’t doubt your loyalty and love for him at all. Occasionally, he teases you and asks, “oh so you don’t love me anymore?” but there is absolutely no truth behind it. He knows with his whole heart that you love him, and you know that he loves you more than anything in the world.

K-Kisses (are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?)

He’s definitely had a bit of experience, so it’s safe to say he knows what he’s doing. Even if he lacked the experience, I view Marco as someone who is just naturally a great kisser.

Your first kiss was practically like one from a romance anime. The two of you sitting outside looking up at the stars and talking about anything and everything. There was a brief pause where the two of you looked at each other and you smiled so brightly. Marco couldn’t help himself as he leaned in to place a soft yet deep kiss to your lips.

L-Love confession (how would they confess to their s/o?)

Marco makes the mistake of telling Thatch, Izo and a few others of his feelings for you. They try to convince him to do some big elaborate confession with candles, flowers, and everything of that sort. But, to their dismay Marco shot down all of their ideas, instead opting to go for something a little more low key. It’ll happen near the end of one of the Whitebeard Pirates’ big parties. Everyone’s either passed out or passing out, and the two of you are just sitting together giggling to yourselves about it. After a moment or two he’d just come right out and say it.

M-Marriage (do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?)

Marco is in no rush to get married. He loves you and you love him. That’s all he needs to know. He doesn’t need a ceremony or a piece of paper to tell him what you both already know. Not to mention you guys practically already act like a married couple. That being said, if marriage is something you really want, then he is all for it. If it makes you feel more confident and secure in your relationship, then he will propose to you as soon as you want.

N-Nicknames (what do they call their s/o?)

He likes to use the classics ‘babe’, ‘love’, ‘sweetie’. But he also has a teasing nickname that you absolutely hate, it’s from an inside joke between the two of you.

O-On cloud nine (what are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?)

When Marco first falls in love he starts randomly whistling the tunes of some love songs (HOW CHEESY I KNOW). He doesn’t notice he’s even doing it until Thatch or Izo point it out to him (not without teasing him about it first). After it’s been pointed out, it’s as if the whole world finally makes sense to him.

P-PDA (are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?)

Marco is pretty chill when it comes to PDA. He doesn’t mind standard PDA like a peck on the check, a kiss on the lips, hand holding (etc.), but he’s definitely not going to have a pash right in front of everyone. HOWEVER, if his mates are complaining about how single they are he is more than happy to rub in how happy and in love he is by giving you a massive smooch on the lips right in front of them.

Q-Quirk (some random ability they have that is beneficial in a relationship?)

As a matter of fact, Marco is quite the handyman. You never have to seek out someone to fic anything because Marco is there to fix it for you. Although, he does still recommend that you don’t use his work as a permanent solution.

R-Romance (how romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?)

I think his love language/s is acts of service and quality time. He uses these to express his love and affection. Sometimes his expressions of love can be cliché (e.g. a bouquet of flowers), but other times they could be creative and very specific to the dynamic of your relationship.

S-Support (are they helping their s/o achieve their goals do they believe in them?)

Marco is by your side every step of the way. But he wants to make sure he doesn’t overstep any boundaries and achieve your goal for you. So rather than getting involved, Marco is that unwavering support from the side lines – constantly uplifting you and providing reassurance that you can do it.

T-Thrill (do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship or do they prefer certain routine?)

Marco is content with the way things are. You have a comfortable routine, and it works for the both of you. He feels no need to spice out your relationship, mainly because life as a pirate does that enough. However, if either of you ever expressed any desire to spice things out even more, then he would welcome that idea with open arms!

U-Understanding (how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

It’s almost unbelievable how good he is at reading you. When it comes to you, he just knows. He needs to be able to just know, so that he’s ready to help whenever you need him.

V-Value (how important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

The relationship is very important and it’s up there with being one of the most important things in his life, possibly the most important thing. The only possible competition your relationship has, is his loyalty and responsibility to Whitebeard, but even then, Whitebeard is happy so long as his family is happy. And since you make Marco happy, well that’s pretty self-explanatory.

W-Wild card (a random fluff headcanon?)

He’s the type of person to keep a photo of you and him in his wallet, and he loves when he’s out and about paying for something and someone happens to point it out because it gives him a reason to brag about you.

X-XOXO (Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

Like I said, he likes to show affection (but no big acts of PDA). He’s most cuddly and affectionate in the early hours of the morning though. He peppers lots of kisses all over your face and cuddles you so tightly that you have to tap him on the shoulder and warn him that you can’t breathe.

Y-Yearning (how will they cope when they are missing their partner?)

Most of the time he copes by involving himself in little shenanigans with a few of his crew mates. He finds it to be a great way to distract himself, while also continuing to be surrounded by his loved ones.

Z-Zeal (are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind?)

Most of the One Piece characters are willing to go the extra mile for their relationships. Marco is no different. We need to remember he is a Whitebeard Pirate, so we already know how much he values any of the relationships in his life. He joined the battle against the Marines to get Ace back, so just imagine the lengths he would go to for your relationship.

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece headcanons #one piece imagines #marco one piece #marco the phoenix #fluff alphabet #one piece alphabet

[badmoonyellow]

HP HEADCANON: PARIS UNIVERSITY

𝓵𝓮𝓼 𝓯𝓪𝓬𝓾𝓵𝓽𝓮𝓼 ✯ 𝓊𝓃𝒾𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓈𝒾𝓉𝒾𝑒𝓈

(click here for contents)

There are five different facultés (abr. fac) in Paris, each one called by a number and the name of a famous wizard/witch or a district in Paris. Each fac has its specificities and various pathways that should please most of the young students trying to find what they want to do with their life after they graduate

Paris I — Babel: Modern languages, dead languages, magical languages, magicology, magical literature, theoretical studies of magical and non-magical art

Paris II — Ruggieri: Astrology, astronomy, divination, theology, psychology, philosophy and sociology

Paris III — Nicolas et Pernelle Flamel: Alchemy, occult sciences, arithmancy and mathematics, magical and non-magical medicine, biology

Paris IV — Cluny: Botanics, care of magical creatures, potions, magical geology and crystal healing, elementary magic

Paris V — Kardec: Necromancy, spiritism, divination, transfiguration, illusionism and oneiric magic, hypnosis and psychology

French students either use the number or the name of the uni to refer to it, never both. Ex: “I did my masters at Paris IV”, “I was a teacher at Cluny for two years” or “Flamel has the best course for arithmancy”

Paris universities are known for being selective but welcome students from every social class: there are no tuition fees except for social security which is calculated on the income of the student or their household if they still live with their parents. The more you earn, the more you pay but it is capped to 20 galleons per student (roughly 450€). If you’re doing a joint honour degree in two different fac, you won’t have to pay twice.

Be careful with this because French bureaucracy is kind of a mess, especially when it comes to uni life. Most people working for the administration have a precise timetable they like to stick to and won’t be kind to you if you raise your voice, even if you’ve been waiting for 2h at their door because the only free time you had is during their lunch break. But sometimes, the right owl sent to the right person will be enough, so don’t hesitate to communicate!

Depending on which fac you’re attending, you’ll probably meet a lot of different people but since we’re French (a.k.a. judgmental), each fac has a typical profile of students:

Students from Babel are considered clever and cultivated but most people think they just don’t really know what they want to do with their life yet. They enjoy uni life in Paris and spend time hanging out with a great deal of foreign students from every part of the world, learning and researching for academic purpose. They create more or less harmful spells and like to talk in latin or ancient greek on a daily basis. They make inside jokes about politics and are the first ones to go on strike any time they don’t agree with the government’s decisions. Very diplomatic and charismatic but also kinda conceited since Babel was the first actual French magical faculté in the Sorbonne (this title is also claimed by the Perrault Institute). They love to debate about any topic of the wizarding world and for the most part, they know a lot about the non-magical world too since they study languages spoken by muggles as well.

Students from Ruggieri are more discreet and contemplative. They are passionate and having your astral chart drawn up by one of them feels like becoming an open book, even though knowing about astrology doesn’t always mean being intuitive. They aren’t known for being empathetic though, and they have a tendency to despise divination techniques that aren’t based on what’s written in the stars (students from Kardec can tell). They love mythology, mind games and poetry. They often go to the countryside beyond Paris’ suburbs to escape light pollution and if you’re lucky, they might invite you to their next nocturnal picnic in Seine-et-Marne.

Students from Flamel are hard-working and competitive since medicine studies (and other courses taught in this university) follow the numerus clausus method. You have more chances to see a Flamel student at the BAM (Bibliothèque Académique de Magie, en. Academic Library for Magic) than attending any of the cool parties young French witches and wizards organise throughout the year. Actually, since the BAM is physically part of Paris I, this has created a long-time resentment among students who all claim priority to access the Library. Flamel students are ambitious and passionate by their field but suffer from a great deal of pressure since failing one exam can be  eliminatory. They also have the worst writing ever.

Students from Cluny are seen as the weird hippies of the academic wizarding world. Always down for going on a trip or testing new things. Their shared interest in elementary magic makes them very welcoming and warm since they tend to focus on how a group is stronger than an individual and how you can always seek for help in others (“others” sometimes meaning plants, animals or rocks). They are very genuine and you won’t know for sure if they are really down-to-earth or if they constantly keep their head in the clouds. They love going outdoors and escape the city from time to time but they can also spend hours (days) underground cultivating fungi. Laugh now if you want to, but they get the best kind of psychedelics and liquors for your next party and they won’t bring any if you make fun of them. Also, they throw their own parties in cool speakeasies all over the Mines. Keep your ears open if you want to get the password!

Students from Kardec are actually the real anarchists of the academic landscape, even though Babel tries to steal their far-left thunder. Non-conformists, skeptical and teasing, they love throwing some unpopular opinion in a debate and watch how it takes. You’ll see them at protests and art events since they hang out a lot with students from the ENSBAMO and the Académie de Musique. They generally have no filter whatsoever and are also trying to figure out what they want to do with their life but even though they seem a bit puzzling at times, they’re really sweet. They might know their way around the Mines better than students from Cluny and believe me when I tell you this: they throw the best Halloween party every year — apparently being located in a cemetery helps a lot.

Of course, these are reputations, not distinctive character traits and every student is different from the other so don’t worry: you’ll fit right in wherever you want to go!

#harry potter #hp headcanon #hp headcanons #hp hc #hp hcs #beauxbatons #paris #hp rpg

[henderylikespink]

Fluff Alphabet

황현진

                               ♡ Hyunjin ♡

A- Affectionate

Come on, we know this cutie is so affectionate!!! Hyunjin loves hugs, kisses, cuddles, and everything in between. 

B- Baby (Do they want a family?)

Hyunjin is a family man. As he grows older, he would want the responsibility of protecting and caring for a family.

C- Cuddles

Cuddles 24/7, cuddles anywhere and everywhere. I don’t think Hyunjin is too shy of PDA. I don’t think he would make out with you in public (he has some class lol) but holding you close to his warm body is always a must for Jinnie. He l o v e s snuggling his head into your neck and your scent, it’s addicting to him.

D- Dates

I feel like Hyunjin would fall asleep on a lot of dates lol. If y’all stayed in to watch a movie and cuddle, he would probably fall asleep. Poor baby, he’s tired and overworked but he always tries to make time for you. Hyunjin would like to be active on dates and dates that allow y’all to talk a lot. He would love to eat at restaurants, walk around the city, or go to the mall. He loves dates like those.

E- Everything (You are my…)

You are his love. He just loves you with all of his heart and more. When he has his eyes on you, which is all the time, it looks like he has cartoon heart eyes. There aren’t enough hours in the day to show you how much he loves you.

F- Feelings (When did they realize they had feelings for you?)

After school Hyunjin would attend the library to get his studies done before going to practice. He would go to the library for complete silence and concentration that the dorm room didn’t provide. Sadly, on a lot of days, Hyunjinnie wasn’t concentrating. You always sat a few tables to Hyunjin’s left by yourself. Hyunjin didn’t recognize you, probably because you wore a different school uniform from his own. 

Hyunjin always thought you looked so cute when you were concentrating, he couldn’t help but take a few sneak peeks at you during his study session. When Hyunjin would pass your table (maybe to gain your attention) y’all would lock eyes. He would always give you the kindest smile before continuing his agenda to acquire some textbooks off the shiny library shelves. 

This continued for several long weeks before one faithful day. You were locked in your studies when you noticed someone standing at the opposite side of your table, looking up you locked eyes with Hyunjin for what seemed like the thousandth time. The warm brown eyes now seemed so familiar and comforting to you despite the nervous butterflies that erupted into your stomach when you looked into his soft brown orbs. Hyunjin asked if he could sit with you and you said yes in spite of his normal table being empty and undisturbed by anything that would make him not want to sit there. 

That day no studying got accomplished, your eyes constantly left your textbook to look at the handsome face in front of you. When your studying session came to an end, Hyunjin asked for your number and asked if you would like to go on a date. The rest is history.

G- Gentle (How gentle are they with you?)

Jinnie is so, so gentle. He has the most comforting and warm touch. When he holds you, it feels like the harsh reality of life can’t break through his arms.

H- Hold (How do they hold you?)

Hyunjin holds you so tight. It can get irritating at times but most of the time it’s endearing. When he hugs you, always expect your back and sides to be rubbed. When he holds your small hand into his huge hand, it never fails to bring that pretty smile onto his face. Always expect to be super warm with this boy around! He is your own personal heater. 

I- Impression (First Impression)

Hyunjinnie thought you were determined and cute. When he saw you in the library, you always looked so purposeful. So firmly set in your ways to get the finest grades you could achieve. Of course, the concentrated face you had set on your face always made Hyunjin eyes shine a little brighter.

J- Joker (Do they pull pranks?)

Hyunjin doesn’t pull pranks on you but he will sometimes sneak up behind you with a surprise tickle attack!

K- Kisses (How do they kiss?)

Jinnie gives the cutest pecks. When he wants your attention, he will lightly grab your chin to bring your face to his. He would give repetitive small, soft pecks before giving longer kisses. All of Hyunjin's kisses are so meaningful. If you tried to pull away before Hyunjin was ready to let you go, he would gently pull your face back to his to give you one last final kiss before letting you go. 

L- Love (Who said I love you first?)

Hyunjinnie said I love you first. Hyunjin is pretty opened with his feelings so the moment he felt such strong feelings, he let you know.

M- Memory (Favorite Memory)

His favorite memory was from one of your first dates. Y’all were sharing a milkshake at an old fashion diner. The blush that painted your lovely cheeks as he sucked on his straw when you sucked yours because it brought your faces a mere few inches away from yours was priceless. He wants to create that moment with you because he’s sure that he can get you to blush the same way you did from that date. He knows he can.

N- Nickel (Do they spoil you?)

100% spoils you. You will be spoiled rotten. If anything gives him the slightest thought of you makes him want to purchase that object.

O- Orange (What color reminds them of you?)

Pink and red remind him of you. Red because of the way you blush. Pink because he thinks you look so lovely in his pink hoodies.

P- Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Jagiya, babe, and baby those typical pet names are in Hyunjin’s vocabulary.

Q- Quirky (Do they have a cute habit?)

Hyunjin’s cute habit is the way he crinkles his eyes. Aw, it’s too cute!

R- Rejoice (What makes them happy?)

Kkami makes Hyunjin the most smiley boy ever! Naps also make Hyunjin happy because they make him feel relaxed. Also, cuddles always put a smile on his handsome face.

S- Sad (How do they cheer themselves/ others up?)

Hyunjin is typically the type of person to not allow himself to feel down so when he does, he relies on the people around him to cheer him up. Hugs always make him feel better. When others are feeling down, Hyunjin likes to offer physical affection like hugs to help that individual feel better.

T- Talking (How much do they talk? What do they love to talk about?)

Hyunjin is more on the quiet side but he can talk a lot if he is in the mood. Hyunjin will talk about anything that comes into his mind, nothing really specific.

U - Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Naps always help Hyunjin relax. Maybe a nice session on social media will help with the pile of stress for a little bit.

V - Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

Jinnie has a fantastic fashion sense, he likes to dress in brand name clothes with nice jewelry. Weirdly enough, Hyunjin is proud of all the places he has traveled since his debut. I have a feeling that a lot of people in his life haven’t traveled like he has so he likes to talk about what he has witnessed in the amazing places he has been.

W - Why (Reasons why they love you)

Hyunjin loves you because of your passion, determination, empathetic, and kind behavior. He loves your unwavering support for him and his dream.

X - Xylophone (What’s your song?)

Bonnie and Clyde by Dean, the vibe to this song is amazing. 

Y - You (What you are to them?)

You are his love. The reason for some of his brightest smiles. You are the reason for the special twinkle in his eye.

Z - Zebra (What pet they want to have?)

Hyunjin already has Kkami! He doesn’t want another baby right now. He has so much fun with you and Kkami. Just like his own special little family.

#stray kids #hwang hyunjin #stray kids hyunjin #stray kids reactions #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids blurbs #stray kids fluff #stray kids soft hours #boyfriend! hyunjin #boyfriend! stray kids #hwang hyunjin fluff #hwang hyunjin imagines #hwang hyunjin scenarios #stray kids headcanons #stray kids headcannons

[crystalectomy]

I call this piece “leaving the groupchat”

I'm starting off somewhat small - I removed myself from the groupchat. I haven't told anyone yet (and the group settings mean there will be no notification that I’ve done it, people will have to find out on their own). 

I don't know yet the FULL extent of the backing-slowly-into-the-hedges I want to do with these people. I know, broadly speaking, that if I get invited to things from this group in the future there will be a few things I straight up say no to: 

most get togethers at [A]’s house

any camping trips

most parties in general, esp hosted by [A], [B], [C] , or [D]

Things I might say yes to:

a concert w [B]

a boardgame night (occasional)

a park hang, bar hop, or outdoor festival (anything it's easy to bounce from)

Things I will be pleased to continue:

some kinda relationship with [C]

maybe a reconnection with [E] some day

My brother’s advice was to leave the group chat and only explain myself to anyone who asks about it. He said leaving it would be good for gaining closure (as opposed to just turning off notifications, which I've tried many times already). From what I've told him it seems I have every reason to do so -- he did not try even for a second to talk me out of it. He said he had a similar situation where he left/was cut out of a friend group a year ago and he has had absolutely no regrets at all. 

He also said he thinks our Dad sticks too long with people / doesn't recognize when they've become harmful to be around, so if the goal is to not be like Dad (which, yes), then recognizing when to move on from people is one way to get there. 

I'm doing everyone a favor here (probably too aggro a thing to say)

I've been reading about people who've broken up with friends or left friend groups and a familiar refrain keeps coming up -- friendships should be with people who you trust, who uplift you, who do not leave you feeling stressed and drained. I cannot say that about this group, as a whole, anymore. At all. 

For a long time -- years now -- I've flirted with the idea of leaving the groupchat. It hasn't been a fun groupchat. A lot of it is people posting links and videos that I'm not interested in, giving life update announcements that don't need to be given in a group setting, or posting plan-making logistics, which always end up being a little awkward when some people can participate in them and others can't (which is always the case, b/c of awkward breakups in the couples of the group, east bay vs sf commute times, and now differing covid sensibilities and vaxxed/unvaxxed status).

All of that is innocuous enough, but if it's clutter, it's clutter. And there's no reason not to remove it. 

So what made the group good if not the groupchat? The hangs. The drugs, the alcohol, the games. The concerts, the movies, the camping trips. Since we've had a forced year without those things, I've gotten a better look at what the core of this group feels like to be in without all that -- and it sucks.

So why not just ride it out until we can hangout in person again (which will be v soon!)? I guess I'm just feeling like a spring cleaning attitude about it. Like, maybe I can spend my precious time in the afterlife hanging out with people who I can feel close with emotionally as well as physically? Maybe now that I'm in a very different phase of my life than I was when I met them (turning-30-realness) I should cultivate relationships that fulfill me where I'm at now -- people I can share exciting work news, poems, and pictures of my cat with, yes, but also people I can unravel the secrets of the universe and the pros and cons of major life choices with.

I've spent a lot of the quarantine either in solitude or staying connected to / reconnecting with friends who make me feel good. Who listen to my advice, who give me advice and encouragement in turn, who share similar interests with me, who do not call me "unique " "weird" "soooo alternative" over and over again (either in admiration or jest). Who have understood and interpreted and lived out the COVID thing in similar ways as me. 

And look -- I don't mean people who have had the same privileges necessarily! Some of the people I've gotten closer to were just as social as the folks in this group +/or worked jobs where they had to be on the frontlines and couldn't barricade themselves quite as much as me and my husband did. But they respected our decision to take as strict a stance on this whole thing as humanly possible, did not call us "sensitive" or "conservative" at any point along the way, and when they asked us to hangout, did so in ways that felt respectful of and empathetic towards our boundaries. It’s not that this group made different choices than I would have, it’s that they, by contrast to my other friends, treated me with judgment, derision, and disrespect for my decisions. I promise I’ve not done the same.

I'm purging a lot of things from my life right now. Leaving my toxic-ish job at the end of April. Trying to lose the last 5 lbs. Getting rid of as much clutter in the house as possible.

As I start to prepare and dream for a life outside of quarantine, I think about  who are some of the first people I want to grab a drink with, go for a walk with, celebrate an occasion with. And for the most part, it's not these people.

Y'all are funny, interesting, intelligent, engaging, and a good time. But I don't feel like I belong here. And I often leave hangouts with the group feeling stressed or upset.

Moreso, in my life I feel I've gotten much harder. Cynical, crabby, pessimistic, aggressive, barbed, judgmental. Like, really had those parts of me take over. And I'm almost certain this group being my main group was a contributing factor. It's behavior that's, if not required, then encouraged to be a member here.

I thought about writing a message in the groupchat to explain myself instead of ghosting but a few things occurred to me:

9 times out of 10 when I try to be earnest or express any feelings that aren't straight up enthusiasm for something with this group, I feel ignored at best or patronized and shut down at worst. 

given the pervading sense of devil-may-care cavalierness in this group, i figured most of you wouldn't notice/care anyway

I thought of folks like [X], [Y], and [Z] who have been in/out of this groupchat for years, all of whom have since faded away, and none of whom felt the need to say anything. Since there's a precedent, I figured I'd follow it

I'm extremely self conscious about this decision -- I'm worried it comes off as self-absorbed, self-righteous, selfish, etc. and I don't think I know a way to ensure it doesn't come off that way when trying to address it head on.

I'm kind of a coward about this kind of thing (awkward social interactions) anyway. So this is a kind of cowardly way to do it. It fits.

I've been thinking about doing this for so long that nothing anyone can say will convince me otherwise, so why invite a dialogue?

If anyone asks (which my husband assures me they won't): 

“Oh, I left the group chat a little while ago, so if you're trying to reach me, specifically, text/phone call is the best way to do so. Email works too. No shade to you or anyone in particular, I just found the energy of the group as a whole to be kind of toxic, and have so for some time now (even pre pandemic).”

Then, maybe:

“I thought about saying something but I honestly couldn't think of what to say that wouldn't come off as arrogant or dramatic or weird. Maybe it's weirder to ghost... but I never seem to accurately gauge how people in this group will react to things I do and say, and I didn’t want to be misinterpreted and cause more stress. There's no good or codified way to leave a friend group, so I just did the easiest, path of least resistance way I could think of.” 

And if there’s time:

“And that's the other thing, I didn't want to like, break up with any of you as friends. I'm not going to say no to every game night invitation or avoid people altogether IRL or anything. And I'm hoping and planning to have 1x1 or 2x2 hangs with some of y’all in the future. So I didn't want to invite any truly nasty energy between me and any of the individuals in the group. I'm just excusing myself from the overall 'zeitgeist' of the groupchat, and okay with probably getting invited to fewer outings as a result.” 

Or at least:

“I didn’t mean to offend, I just did what I thought was best for me in a way that I hoped would cause the least amount of harm to everyone involved. And I did think long and hard about it, so at least I hope no one can say it was a completely thoughtless decision.”

I'm taking this impending re-entry into society thing as an opportunity to prioritize the relationships that have felt enriching, healthy, fruitful during it. And I’m excited to chase down hobbies and events at work, post pandemic, with the goal of making new friends who I can be more myself with.

#as usual I've over-thunk it

[random-esfp]

1/2 HI!! SO happy I found your blog!! I'm reaching out to you for help with BTS typing!! I agree with you re: Jungkook ISTP (girl, YES!), V ENFP (my type as well!), J-Hope ESFJ, RM INFJ, Suga INTJ, and Jin xNTP (I lean ENTP but eh at least NTP for sure)! The 1 I need helping understanding is Jimin. Please don't get mad =(, I am genuinely trying to learn! I KNOW he's not ENFJ, and yet I get stuck because I feel I see both Fe and Se. I don't see Ni high up in him, I just get stuck with Fe and Se.

s2/2 You've probably already done a breakdown, and I'll keep reading your blog posts and may find the answer myself! But I figured I'd ask for your Jimin breakdown just in case and because understanding how others approach type helps me improve!! I think I'm usually decent at this (for ex you and I agree that Hwasa, Jackson, and Sulli are ESFP (would you say Hyuna and Ravi are too?). But I am so confused by Jimin. UGH WHY?! I'm stuck thinking he has both Fe and Se, and I need help seeing his Fi!

3 Ah sorry, I'm excited now and want to type more (if you're getting annoyed please just skip this part! Would much prefer reading your answer than you getting stressed/mad reading all I wrote)! So I definitely see Se in Jimin 100%!! AND I know he's a feeler. I think the problem is Fi usually jumps out at me--for us Fi users, that sense of identity and independence is usually so apparent (let me know if you relate to this!!), so I think my problem is that I'm having a hard time seeing Jimin's Fi

4 (This could also be because sometimes Ne uses general connections as a starting place to understand things and can miss some specifics?!) So I compare myself (my Fi) and V, Hwasa, Hyuna, Ravi, Jackon, and Sulli (sweet Sulli

5 Maybe it's just that ExFP's have auxiliary Fi, so it may not be as apparent? Anyway, if he's not ENFJ (he's not!), then the ONLY other option imo is ESFP. So then you MUST be right, I just need help seeing Jimin's Fi. Maybe if you have some vids or interviews you love that highlight Jimin's Fi that would completely make things click for me?! Ok sorry this is so long-winded T_T!! So excited to read your response!!! (PS Some say Ravi=ESTP & that could be true don't know him SUPER well!!) Thanks!

It’s totally okay for me to answer I love when people are really interested!!! so don’t worry. 

About Jimin being ESFP: Where is his Fi? Why does he sometimes seem to use Fe?

1) A lot of ESFPs seem ENFJ. Firstly, because Se+Fi can look like Fe sometimes. I’ve talked about this a few times (check the tags), but also I’ve recently discovered that ESFP seem to use SeFe given by Jungian stack? this is difficult but anyway, a lot of ESFP are likely to display a Fe behavior when there’s NOT exactly Fe in the roots. 

Basically, ESFP are very sensitivy towards someone’s gestures, change of voice tone, and reactions in general, we are always aware of our surroundings so it’s easy for us to check if someone is feeling something even if they want to pretend they don’t. ESFPs are kind and sensible with their own feelings and needings, and they tend to be so with others too, so they are quite empathetic. That’s why Jimin doesn’t seem the embodiment of a tortured high Fi user but a caring Fe user.

I’ve said that Fi is “I treat people the way I want to be treated”, beyond “treating people well”. It’s like: “I don’t mind if you go out without me, because I would appreciate if you don’t get mad at me If I go out without you”. While probably Fe users are more like: “You should always count on all your friends to go out. It’s basic friendship” (or something like that, like collective values vs. individual values). Fe is thinking about the other all the time, pretending to know what everybody feels and should feel. 

(Have you read Hobi’s part in UGH? To me those are Fe statements af.)

And as Fi is like that, Se users and Especially ESFPs, are very aware of what people may require from them, of what do people except from them. That sometimes can be seen as Fe, as it is a way of feeling accepted, matching with people, and please everyone. The difference is that Fi users don’t do that if the context doesn’t fit with their inner values or feelings. We can become unattached from someone or something we may see fake or pretentious. 

ANYWAY. Jimin, as many healthy ESFPs, is sensitive and wants to give others the attention he needs (which is: A LOT, as a good ESFP he is). Wa crave for attention and quality time, so we give it to others too. We can be very caring and clingy, and people mistake that for being Fe user. 

2) Jimin is enneagram 3w2 most likely, and that put us in some difficulties with Fi. First and foremost, being a eneatype 3 means you are succcess-oriented and relay on your public image / persona to survive. Enneatypes 3 can seem fake because they put their effort on “how are they seen” rather than in “how they feel”. This, along with the obsession of appearing succesful and always willing to shine, casts a shadow over Jimin’s Fi. Happens the same with Jackson and Yuta, they are both ESFP enneatype 3 and both are mistyped as ENFJ and ESTP repectively. Jimin is very aware of the image he wants to display to his fans, and it’s definitely not a “Fi-like” one. But you see in little gestures and actions that Jimin is aware of his feelings and emotions but he chooses to suppress them, which is (BREAKING NEWS) a thing many ExFP do. Promise or Filter (even if he didn’t write the last one) express very well how Jimin feels inside and how he is aware of how he is seen from the outside. 

3) Also people see his 2 wing as Fe because he’s caring, helping and always watching what other members are feeling like, but it’s not the same as using Fe, literally every type can behave like that especially with loved ones. 

I answered this because I found it out in drafts T___T but as I said weeks ago, my plan is to make a deep profile of Jimin’s MBTI! 

#jimin mbti #jimin esfp #NOT ENFJ #stop it #he's not intuitive #he does not use ni #he's super se user #even if you type by letters #where the hell do you see his J #it's nonsens #bts mbti #kpop mbti #ask an esfp #esfp #fi vs fe

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

what more can you do?

WOO! this week’s episode was sad and weird and badly paced and startlingly, unevenly mature in true titans fashion. i loved it (with reservations)! let’s talk about it in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead.

1. i can’t say that i’m awfully thrilled about the show following up on a character’s literal suicide attempt by... not addressing said suicide attempt at all. maybe it’s the awkward way an entire episode’s worth of flashback was shoehorned in between the end of 2.07--where dick literally talked jason off the ledge while in the throes of a psychotic break of his own--and the beginning of this one, but it’s honestly not just bad storytelling, but irresponsible storytelling. 

1.5. in a general sense, tho, the tableau at the beginning of the episode is so egregiously unfair--so shockingly, plainly one-sided, with a slump shouldered dick facing the world, only kory on his side, that it’s quite apparent that it’s the lowest these heroes can go. and i do think their individual reactions to dick’s confession provide an interesting insight into their characters. hank and dawn have been operating alone for so long, each a reminder of their traumas and losses and very human frailty to the other, without even the resources that dick and the batman enjoy. it’s been them v the world for so goddamn long; is it any wonder that they were looking for the first excuse to bail out of there, to not Deal with the idea that what they were doing to deal with their traumas and guilt was clearly not working, and dick was--and has been always--so willing to be the scapegoat? hank punching dick was utterly unwarranted--but i can accept that as part of the unaddressed emotional outbursts arising out of years of accumulated head injuries from both college football and vigilantism. (this isn’t to excuse what he did but to contextualise it within hank’s history and personality.) their instinct when facing ugly truths is to retreat to what they think is familiar and what they need--except, as hank realises later in the episode, that’s exactly what’s fucking them up further.

rose is understandably upset at being lied to about her brother’s death and the titans being complicit in the same--but i’m curious that her reaction was to merely leave and not try and fight them. maybe after being defeated by dick while sparring and nearly being killed by rachel she was sensible enough to realise that she couldn’t take them on all at once? i don’t know--she’s curiously been a bit of a cipher this season. jason leaving with her made sense tho--unburdened of the weight of being the team’s scapegoat, understandably miffed at dick for keeping a secret that nearly cost him his life and left him with a great deal of trauma, just Angry at the world in general, he gravitates towards rose, the only other outsider/rebel who tried to reach out to him when everybody else shunned him or looked at him like an impostor. i think the decision was more impulsive than anything--they still look confused and uncertain in the taxi as they leave the tower behind. but--i don’t know. theirs is the storyline that i’m the most perplexed about. we just don’t have a lot of information about either of them, rose especially. 

(a part of me still thinks she’s slade’s mole in the tower. but why would she leave if she is? to keep up appearances bc to react in any other way to the news of her brother’s death would be suspicious? maybe she left because her job is done and the titans were splitting up? maybe she was part of the long game to seduce jason over to slade’s side--seeking revenge for dick swaying jericho over to the titans’? am i going to stop asking myself questions in this post? am i ever going to write a review that’s not just stream-of-consciousness nonsense? only time will tell.)

DONNA. oh, donna. her decision to leave seems to me a logical continuation of her s2 arc that i’d talked about in a previous review--paranoid, insecure, retraumatised, and taking out her frustrations on jason and dick. it’s also very interesting to me that she complained to rachel about dick treating them like “soldiers” and only told them things that he deemed that they “need[ed] to know.”  it was because of jillian and whatever mysterious business that themyscira was conducting in sf that she and garth and slade ever landed up in that airport at all; even worse, jillian deemed it was something that donna didn’t need to know until it was too late. donna lost so much in that fiasco--the man she loved, her friends, several members of her amazon family, and her sense of purpose, her belief in her strength and her destiny and her faith that other people trusted her as a warrior and as a leader. she’s projecting all that pain onto dick--who again, doesn’t deserve all this shit but takes it anyway because of his own issues.

1.8. and, like. as much as jericho’s death became the Traumatic Event that overshadowed almost everything else in dick’s life for the last five years and helps explain a lot of his hang-ups right from s1, it just doesn’t have the same significance for the others. don’t get me wrong--i’m sure hank, donna and dawn are devastated and guilty about the part that they had to play in manipulating jericho and his eventual death. but their issues with each other, with the titans tower and with their past run deeper and in different directions, and i think all of that came into play when they each decided to go their separate ways.

1.95. idek what the fuck is going on with rachel. i felt every ounce of dick’s heartbreak and devastation when she got up to leave with donna. for all that she saved dick in the first episode of this season, she still hasn’t reached the point where she’s willing to unburden her emotions and issues on him. it must be frustrating and sad for her to realise just how much dick didn’t trust her either. but there’s something else going on as well: maybe she’s realised she has no real control over her re-emerging powers, and, carrying on with the fatalistic attitude she had at the end of 2.05, she wants to spare the titans the chaos and darkness that she carries around with her. (she’s used to running away at this point, after all.) she goes with donna bc donna knows her the least: it would therefore be easy to fool her and escape. 

2. more faddei! and kory backstory! \o/ 

it’s curious that they never once bring up trigon, because s1 gave the impression that she’d come to earth with a specific mission to seek his portal out and destroy it before he could, y’know, Fuck The Universe Up. faddei makes it sound like kory just went on this fun little sabbatical before taking up royal duties, which kiiinda undercuts a lot of what was cool about her s1 arc. i realise you aren’t entirely happy with your freshman season, titans, and s2 looks like it might be a soft reboot, but you don’t have to mutilate it like this!

but seriously. the stakes just got upped exponentially for kory, and it would be really interesting to see where she goes from here. apart from a promise to rachel, she doesn’t really owe the rest of the titans anything--not that i think she views relationships in such transactional terms, of course. on the other hand, abandoning her responsibilities on tamaran has led to its takeover by an unfit leader and the deaths of several of her family and friends. the choice shouldn’t be a choice at all. she should go back home. and yet--she waited too long, and the choice has been taken away from her. faddei is dead, both of their ships are destroyed, and she is stuck on earth, grieving and frustrated and furious. kory is usually very clear headed about exactly where she stands emotionally, but after such a big event, she must be feeling so much pain, guilt, sorrow, anger, even resentment. it’s so easy to look at kory’s level-headedness and open, empathetic personality and use her to prop up other characters, but i hope that this isn’t always the case, and that she’ll be allowed to really work through these emotions while somebody else looks out for her. 

2.35. (the little snippets of faddei and kory just enjoying the shit out of the Little Things that humanity has to offer is just... it filled me with so much warmth. i wouldn’t mind an entire episode of them just chilling and exploring and annoying each other with badly-applied out-of-context pop culture references)

2.5. blackfire! i don’t know much about comics!blackfire beyond “she was starfire’s sister, Evil, and possibly sold her sister into slavery??? yikes” so i’m just going purely off what the show has revealed about her so far. it was honestly disconcerting to see so many references to her possible disability (?) and to see both that and the efforts to accommodate her spoken about in... i want to say mocking way? i don’t know. i just saw a murder mystery/thriller movie today where the serial killer was revealed to have been both disabled from birth and mentally ill, and maybe i’m just feeling extra sensitive to the truly disturbing and pervasive trope of having disabled characters be Evil--and tying their Evil to their disability. 

2.8. anyhow, blackfire appears to have accumulated a fair bit of power in the time that kory’s been gone: not only can she remotely possess other tamaraneans but she can blow up their ships too. (and didn’t faddei say that she had goons on the ground, looking for starfire?)

2.9. it’s a Lot to deal with this late in the season. maybe kory will leave for tamaran to deal with blackfire once and for all at the end of the season. and if titans ends up cancelled, wouldn’t that be a bittersweet ending.

(wherein ‘bittersweet’ translates to ‘devastating’ ofc)

3. oh where do i even start with dick

his worst fears came true. after his confession, not only did his old friends up and leave, but so did rachel and jason, which he found more heartbreaking than anything else. utterly consumed by guilt and convinced more than ever before of his culpability, he actively seeks out ways to self-flagellate, first by going to adeline to apologise, then by banishing himself, then by making sure he is punished (tho i have my doubts on that last one; will elaborate a little later). after watching him have an extended psychotic break and dash into not one but two suicide missions, watching dick grayson do this to himself feels like watching an extended feature on human suffering. it’s not fun, or pretty, and i can feel it reaching its nadir so that dick can bounce back up again, but i hope it happens soon.

(dick’s natural tendency to internalise guilt and responsibility into a hard little diamond core at his centre and his long training with batman with all the emphasis on secrets and subterfuge with a healthy underpinning of paranoia ironically means that he does so much goddamn emotional labour for this team. he’s the glue that keeps them together, that gives them purpose. he’s trying so hard to do good by everybody that he isn’t really able to achieve it with any of them, which leads to another self-flagellating spiral and him determining to try harder and the cycle just keeps going on. only kory seems to have ever broken this cycle, because she’s never demanded anything of him, nor he of her. it’s really sad to think how bereft dick feels right now, and more than that, how it’s stopping him from being there for the people who really do need him and trust him, like gar and rachel.)

3.25. adeline makes a very good point about how merely apologising doesn’t mean you’re owed forgiveness, and that seeking it out after all these years is a self-serving exercise in itself. but i can see dick taking it hard, especially after discovering that she’s letting slade--the man who actually killed her son--recuperate at her home. (and let’s be clear: however good her intentions, she participated in lying to her child about the truth of what his father actually does. wow, jericho was really just fucked over by pretty much every one he loved, wasn’t he?)

but i am glad to see dick isn’t so far gone that he takes the blame for jericho’s death in front of slade. he’s very aware that slade has permanently broken the team and very aware of the threat slade poses if they ever try to get back together again, but he’s not going to completely surrender every last shred of his self-worth and dignity to this man, and that was refreshing to see.

3.5. so he banishes himself to the farthest place he can think of with nothing more than the shirt on his back and a single duffel bag. it’s so over-the-top yet so... dick grayson.

3.8. BUT WAIT! ~PLOT TWIST~

ok so here’s what’s happening, all right? strap in:

a) jericho is one hundred percent inside slade. i have no doubts about this. adeline knows this too. it’s why she was so even-keeled while talking to dick, why she confidently said that jericho loved dick, and why she said “they” might be willing to forgive him. i’m thinking when slade crawled back home, jericho took advantage of his father’s momentary weakness to tell what was happening to his mother. 

b) jericho tried to communicate to dick. i saw something somewhere which said that slade had gestured something very specific in asl while conversing with dick? i’m willing to believe that was intentional.

c) when dick was turning to leave and slade called him one last time and gave his “banishment sentence” jericho likely jumped bodies from slade to dick

d) so why did dick get himself arrested at the airport?

- dick was going through, as others have speculated, a dissociative episode. given how he’s exhibited signs of mental illness throughout this season this isn’t that far out of the realm of possibility, but it’s a weak and redundant narrative bridge and wasn’t shot in a way that suggested that it was a mental break. so i’m ruling this out.

- jericho took over. maybe he felt that this was the only way he could force dick to stay in sf. maybe some of his father’s anger/resentment leeched into him and he wanted to dick to experience some actual punishment instead of scarpering again. maybe he was overwhelmed by dick’s own self-flagellating tendencies and chose the shortest route to maximum pain. maybe it’s a combination of all three.

- dick finally got his brain into gear and realised at the last minute that jericho had possessed slade and was trying to tell him something. why he then proceeded to get himself arrested instead of running out of the airport is a mystery.

personally, i’m leaning towards the ‘jericho possessed dick’ possibility.

4. gar is such a sweetheart and i am so glad that he took centrestage this episode, even though, like always, it was to support another character and ended up with him crying and begging for help from an unresponsive dick. *sighs*

4.5. much like dick himself, he’s trying to do good by everybody, only to end up badly misjudging a situation, and all alone. 

5. oof. this has gone on for far too long and i am Tired. more thoughts to come later, because right now my brain is as disorganised as... as disorganised as a titans episode. hah! self-burn!!!

#titans #titans spoilers #dick grayson #koriand'r #garfield logan #hank hall #dawn granger #donna troy #rachel roth #slade wilson #meta #aaaah this is 2.6k+ words long I'M SORRY

[plethoraofocs]

so the origins of my first star trek ocs

so, i watched aos first. and i loved it because it was my introduction to star trek and the characters and i recently realised it’s v problematic and stuff so i watched tos. and this is a super long and needlessly complex explanation of how my first three star trek ocs (dottie, clarke, and taylor) came to be! more on them as individuals to come :) (i did give the broad strokes of their backstories in here so it’s a long post. i’ll put the basic parts in bold so you can skip the boring bits that i just rambled in

my first character, i made for the aos timeline, but shifted her over to the tos timeline without much hassle. 

her name is dorothy (dottie) jane negga, and she was born on the lunar colony to her human parents, as their third child born on the moon (one brother, one sister). they moved back to earth (specifically the greek countryside, which i need to do more research on, sorry) where they started an olive farm (neither of her parents come from greece nor do they have a background in farming, but her oldest brother took a horticultural course on the colony so he gets it up off the ground). she has a supportive and wholesome background (which was difficult for me to write because there was so much opportunity to give her a Tragic Backstory but i need to stop doing that so much lmao), two younger siblings (another sister, and a non-binary sibling). of the five siblings, she is the only child who didn’t want to work full-time on the farm, and the family helped put her through starfleet academy, where she took the command route with various piloting qualifications before being assigned to the enterprise as ‘ensign dorothy negga’ due to her exceptional academic success as well as her fantastic interpersonal skills. 

next up was my second star trek oc, someone i had a vague impression of while watching aos but fleshed out and named while watching tos. her name is s’on ahkhu clarke (i don’t know how vulcan names work i’m so sorry), and she is half-vulcan, half-romulan. in my tos timeline, her father (a weaver of cloth on vulcan) was tricked into thinking her mother (a notorious romulan captain attempting to infiltrate the vulcan high council) was an ambitious young vulcan with no social standing trying to work her way up. he fell in love, she went with it. they had a child together, her mother using it to further secure herself in vulcan society, but she was found out shortly afterwards and escaped back to romulus. clarke’s father raised her alone until she was eight years old, when her mother began correspondence with the vulcan high council over custody of the child. eventually, her father was forced to let her travel to romulan space every other year for a year to stay with her mother. her mother was, by then, captain of a mixed-species, all female, space equivalent of a pirate ship. while she found the practices of stealing, torturing, and murdering not only illogical, but deplorable, her mother told her that if she did not assist in running the ship, she would not permit her to return to vulcan. eventually, she joined starfleet academy during one of her years where she was supposedly ‘on vulcan’, and she managed to partially cut ties with her parents. she was just shy of being legally an adult on vulcan when she arrived at the academy, and was put in accommodation with the equally young cadet dorothy negga. the two became oddly co-dependant despite their wildly different personalities, and their symbiotic study relationship assisted them both in getting grades good enough to be assigned to the enterprise upon their graduation. clarke is a redshirt, but is exceptionally skilled with various types of defensive and offensive attacks from her time spent with her mother, so don’t worry, she’s safe. also : no-one is sure whether or not they were doing the do on the regular in the academy or not, and they won’t comment on the discourse.    

last, and definitely not least (lowkey my favourite of the og 3) we have taylor jones. taylor is... pretty weird, im not gonna lie. so i came up with her in pretty much the same way as i did clarke, a vague idea during aos that solidified during tos, she just took longer to nail down. the enterprise is in full swing by the time she gets introduced during a typical ‘away mission gone wrong’ type situation. she’s quite animal-like, she can’t speak, she’s afraid of everyone (except clarke and spock because telepathy and shit), she is telepathic and empathetic, but doesn’t seem to understand language. she’s in bad nick, and she’s the only survivor of a life-support systems failure of a starfleet-scientist-gone-off-the-rails’s illegal experimentation subterranean lab on a class-m planet. turns out he’d been deliberately inter-breeding species (humans, vulcans, orions, romulans, betazoids, ect) in order to create species perfectly designed to suit various jobs he needed doing to sustain himself on the planet. taylor was designed as basically a poorly treated PA, engineered for and trained to anticipate and fulfil his needs through a combination of telepathy, empathy, and a scarily fast learning and adaptation ability. with the help of clarke, they manage to get her aboard the ship and into medbay, where she (for some reason) practically imprints on dr.mccoy. dr.mccoy nurses her back to health (she won’t let any of the other medical staff near her) and begins to teach her how to communicate verbally, while clarke refuses to leave her side as she takes her time to teach taylor how to control her telepathy and how to refine telepathic communications. when they found her, she didn’t have a name, so they assigned her the name ‘taylor jones’. as well as this, leonard and clarke have to try and untrain her from her need to assist everyone on every little thing. she went missing for the first week she wasn’t locked in medbay as she raced around the ship frantically trying to meet everyone’s smallest whims, only being recovered when kirk was feeling mildly thirsty and she showed up on the bridge with a glass and a pitcher full of water (she got the hang of replicators and other technologies pretty fast, it was what she was genetically predisposed to do, after all). she proves to be quite useful on away missions, as she develops an interest in science (much to mccoy’s disgust, he’d enjoyed teaching her about anatomy and first aid, and is loathe to share her with spock), and kirk appoints her to the role of ‘acting ensign’.    

now this is where my inexcusable surplus of star trek ocs kicks in.

i realised that it’d be pretty dope to make my own starship crew, like, a whole ass crew. but i dont know enough about star trek too avoid continuity errors and shit. so i decided to start my own star trek “series” set approximately fifty years after whatever star trek series is the furthest in the future (so, like, picard, right? idk the timelines im a Bad Fan). the basics for these three are the same, except they start out on another enterprise namesake (enterprise-j) as the flagship of starfleet, where the senior officers (i’ve yet to flesh them out fully) are NOT (obviously) the og bridge crew. eventually, taylor decides to travel to earth to get her qualifications from the academy while the other two girls finish out their ‘explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilisations’ mission. taylor graduates the academy just as that mission ends, and is assigned to a research vessel that will be doing more in-depth research on planets/phenomena encountered by the enterprise-j as ensign jones, under captain dorothy (she insists on being called dottie) negga. clarke gets the position of cheif of security. there are many more charcters on board this ship. i still have more i need to make because i want to make an oc for as many of the people needed onboard as possible. 

#long post #taylor jones #s’on ahkhu clarke #star trek #backstories #star trek : my own timeline #dottie negga

[letstalkpoly-blog]

002. Polyamory Definitions

I’m trying to compile a list of terms related to polyamory for anyone interested. These are scoured from the internet and simplified/explained the best I can. I’ve tried to leave out terms that you don’t commonly come across, yet also keep it pertinent to the community. If you think anything should be added or changed, please let me know. Yours, 

Bigamy:being married (in a legal sense) while already married to another person (usually illegal) Boundaries:a limit placed upon one’s self (ex. “I choose to use condoms with all my partners that have barrier free sex with other partners.” Generally happier medium in the community, but still must be made known to all partners so they can make their own decisions. (see “rules” also.) Closed Relationship:any configuration in which partners are not allowed to seek other partners outside the configuration Compersion:the opposite of jealousy; an empathetic response to a partner’s happiness with their other partner(s) Cowboy/Cowgirl:a man or woman who engages in a relationship with a polyamorous person with the intention of separating them from any other partners Don’t ask, don’t tell (DADT):a relationship structure in which a person can have additional relationships on the condition that their partner doesn’t know anything about the additional relationships or have to communicate with any of the other partners. (Can work, often seen as unhealthy due to decreased communication) Egalitarian Triad:a non-hierarchical triad in which all partners are equal and each partner, including the “unicorn”, has autonomy in the relationship, free to have separate polyamorous relationships, and choose their own boundaries Emotional fidelity:a belief or practice that emotional intimacy or love must be kept exclusive to a particular relationship, though sexual activity or other forms of physical intimacy may occur outside of that relationship Fluid bonding:of or related to practices which involve the exchange of bodily fluids, such as barrier-free sexual intercourse Handfasting:a rural folkloric and neopagan ceremony that unites two people in a common bond; dissimilar marriage as it does not enlist sexual exclusivity or permanence; also is not recognized as a "legal" marriage and thus is not "illegal" or considered bigamy Hierarchical relationship:a polycule configuration in which there is a primary partnership which takes priority over one or more secondary arrangements (can work if all parties agree, but can be frowned upon in the community) Primary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership with the most involvement, or sometimes the person accorded the most importance Secondary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) in which either by intent or circumstance, are given less in terms of time, energy, commitment and priority than a primary relationship Tertiary partner: in a hierarchical relationship, the partnership(s) that are generally quite casual, and/or limited with respect to time, energy, or priority Kitchen Table Polyamory (KTP):refers to poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee. Metamours want to feel comfortable talking or spending time together, and possibly include children in special events such as birthdays, etc. (Ex. George calls Jane to plan a surprise birthday dinner for Anne and they all go together.) Metamour:your partner’s partner that you are not otherwise involved with romantically. Monogamish:a term used to describe a relationship which is a closed couple most of the time, but has exceptions Monogamy:the practice or state of having a non-platonic relationship with only one partner Nesting Partner(s):the partnership(s) that live together, could include 2 or more, and may share financial responsibility of the home New Relationship Energy (NRE):the feeling of euphoria associated with the beginning of a relationship Non-platonic:a relationship that has a romantic and/or sexual nature Non-monogamy:a catch-all term which covers several types of relationships in which an individual forms multiple and simultaneous sexual and/or romantic bonds with informed consent from all involved One Penis Policy (OPP):a poly arrangement in which a man is allowed to have multiple female partners, who are allowed to have sex with other women but forbidden to have other male partners (usually seen as negative in the community, unless it is the ersonal choice of the women involved) Open relationship:any configuration in which partners are allowed to seek other partners for sex and/or romance Old Relationship Energy (ORE):the feeling of comfort, security, and stability associated with a long-standing romantic relationship Parallel Polyamory:refers to poly relationships where the relationships run in parallel and don’t interact. This could be by choice or forced, such as by distance. Similar to DADT but different in that partners may discuss other partners, with consent from all. (Ex. “I had a date with Jane. She says to say hello. We had dinner and drinks with some deep heart to heart talking. It was amazing.” In DADT, this conversation wouldn’t happen.) Paramour:another partner’s lover (similar to metamour, easy to use descriptively, (“Jane has a new paramour who is anxious to finally meet us.”) Poly/mono (or mono/poly):a relationship between a person who identifies as polyamorous and a person who identifies as monogamous Polyamory:the philosophy or state of being non-platonically involved with more than one person at the same time with informed consent from all involved Polycule/intimate network:a network of people who are involved in non-platonic relationships and their metamours. Dyad: 2 people in a relationship with each other -- Anne and George OR George and Jane. Triad: 3 people in a relationship with each other -- George, Anne, AND Jane are in a relationship together. Quad: 4 people in a relationship with each other. -- Anne, George, Jane, AND John are in a relationship together. Vee/V/Hinge: 3 people in a relationship where one person is dating 2 other people, but those 2 are not dating each other -- Anne and George are married. Anne is dating Jane. Jane and George have no romantic or sexual relations. Anne is a hinge. George and Jane are metamours. Think about this one literally, a hinge, folded to look like a V. One is the hinge, the other 2 are the sides. There are INFINITE polycule possibilities!!!! These are just the most common. 

Polyfidelity:three or more people in a closed relationship Polygamy:the practice or custom of having more than one wife or husband at the same time Polysaturated:polyamorous, but not currently open to new relationships because of the number of existing partners, or time constraints that might make new relationships difficult Relationship anarchy (RA):a philosophy or practice in which people are seen as free to engage in any relationships they choose, any relationship choice is allowable, and in which there is not necessarily a clear distinction between “partner” and “non-partner” Relationship orientation:a person’s identity as related to their preference for monogamy or polyamory Rules:a restriction placed on a partner (generally frowned upon by the community but can work if it is a preference for all partners, and only if all partners know and agree, ex. “You cannot have unprotected sex with your other partners.” Please see “boundaries’ as well.) Solo poly:an approach to polyamory that emphasizes autonomy and the freedom to form relationships without seeking permission from other partners Swinging:a configuration in which partners have a relationship that is open for platonic sexual encounters Unicorn/Dragon:a bisexual, polyamorous woman/man who is open to forming a triad with an established couple; referred to as these mythical creatures because these type of partners are extremely rare. (Though some women/men openly use the term unicorn/dragon for themselves, it is frowned upon for couples to do so. ‘Hunting" for a relationship with one is usually looked down upon. Please see “Egalitarian Triad”.)

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