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catt-leya · 2 years

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Over Again (18+) || Rick Grimes

Summary: Rick hasn't brought you to orgasm in weeks and you've just been faking it for him. After he catches you with a vibrator, he shows you how many times he can make you come.

Sighing, I lean against the shelf behind me and wait for Josie to gather the last few things from the list.

Glenn has sent us into town to go to the drugstore and pick up a few things, which is working out great so far. We haven't had any problems getting here and nothing has been going on here either, but still I can't wait to finally get out of here and head back to Alexandria.

Of course I enjoy doing runs like this and want to do my part for our community, but I'm also excited to be back in my boyfriend's arms and just hear his heartbeat.

At the thought of Rick, I close my eyes and take a deep breath before calling out to Josie, "Are you ready?"

I get a muffled, "A little while."

Not knowing which department she's in, I in turn look around at the shelf in front of me.

A smile steals onto my face as I see all the empty rows of condoms in front of me and roll my eyes. Of course, you'd hardly find anything like that on a shelf anymore, and if you want to have sex, you have to live with the risk of getting pregnant these days.

At the very beginning of my relationship with Rick, we still had a couple of condoms and also stuck to what was hammered into my head in sex ed, but eventually we couldn't find any more and talked about whether we would both take the risk. Both he and I are aware of what we're doing, and I'm sure we're not the only couple to act this way.

Lazily, my gaze wanders further over the shelf and I get stuck on a small row of pink vibrators.

I quickly look around to make sure Josie isn't somewhere in sight and then take a step towards the shelf.

It's not as cleared out as the condoms, but a few people have grabbed here as well. I too reach for a pack and bite my lower lip as I think about putting it in my backpack.

I haven't talked to anyone about it, but the last few times Rick slept with me, I didn't get to the end.

I'm even ashamed of myself for pretending to Rick that I had the sex of my life. It's also not like he's not trying or only looking out for himself and I still think he's as hot as he was in the beginning, but somehow a certain heat has been lost between us and I don't dare approach him about it after my acting.

I wonder if maybe I could bring myself to orgasm and then it could work out better with Rick.

I'm still staring at the package in my hand when I hear Josie's voice a few rows ahead, "I'm done. Let's get out of here."

Hectically, without giving it another thought, I stuff the vibrator into my backpack and stumble out of the aisle. Not that I don't trust Josie, but I'm sure she'd have another line in store making fun of my old boyfriend for not being able to give it to me properly and I really don't need that right now.

My face must have turned red with stress and my best friend frowns in irritation, "What happened to you?"

Much too quickly, I reply, "Nothing."

Confused, she leans over to look down the hallway I came from, but when she sees nothing she shrugs and mutters something about, "You're getting weird."

Gently, I push her out of the drugstore by the shoulders and she giggles, "Yeah yeah, I'm going."

+++

Quietly, I close the door to Rick and my bedroom and lean against it. The walk back from the drugstore also went without a hitch and when we dropped everything off I told Josie I was tired and was going to lay down.

When I saw Rick and Daryl sitting on the patio, it was a load off my mind because the evenings between the two of them always last a long time and Rick always comes to bed to me late at night.

That's why I just gave him a little kiss and wished them a nice evening before I disappeared into the bedroom.

My excitement increases by the second as I pull the vibrator out of my backpack and the package lies heavy in my hand.

I disengage from the door and go into the adjoining bathroom to retrieve my possible happiness from the package and wash it off.

Gently, I slide in the enclosed batteries and take a deep breath as I check to see if it's working. The vibration coursed through my entire body and I closed my eyes in anticipation.

Without further ado, I take off my shorts and panties from my legs. I put my new colleague on the bed and take off my top that I replaced with one of Rick's shirts and then let myself fall on the bed.

With the vibrator in my hand, I lie on my back and close my eyes.

The shirt gapes open and I let the tip of the toy slide between my breasts. Slowly I continue down and gently circle my belly button and place my free hand on one breast.

In my mind's eye I see not my own hands on my body, but Rick's and I moan softly as I pinch my own nipple. Rick is an incredibly great and gentle man, but I wish he would grip harder, that he would push me to my limits.

As if of its own accord, my hand slides between my legs with the toy and I gasp in surprise at how easily the vibrator slides into me through my wetness.

I play with my nipple and turn on the vibrator with shaky fingers. Immediately I rebel and Rick blue eyes appear in my mind's eye. It's almost ridiculous how much I love this man and I moan his name softly.

I can hardly believe it when I realize how the vibrator is carrying me to my orgasm and I keep emitting soft sounds that alternate between "Oh my God" and "Rick".

My movements are becoming more and more uncoordinated and I can practically feel my release already, that's when I hear Rick's voice in the room, "And is it fun?"

As if on cue, the orgasm is gone and I tear open my eyes in panic.

Grinning, my boyfriend stands in the doorway and leans against the frame.

The whole situation is too embarrassing for me in front of him that I pull his shirt together over my body and press my legs, which I had pushed wide apart, together again.

I press the vibrator to my side so he can't see it and hope he thinks I was just fingering myself while he was busy. With hot cheeks I ask, "How long have you been standing there?"

I didn't hear him come in, but it must also be said that I had minimally more important things to do than pay attention to my surroundings.

Still in the doorway, his gaze slides over my body, "Alex asked Daryl for something and that's why he had to go. I thought you were asleep and wanted to pour myself another whiskey downstairs and head to the patio so I wouldn't disturb you. Then downstairs I heard you calling for me so I went up and see you fucking yourself with a vibrator and moaning my name over and over, I couldn't help but watch a little, sorry."

So he did see the vibraator after all. Sighing, I stare at the ceiling and mutter, "Can we pretend you didn't see that?"

I hear him stifle a laugh and then approach me and sit down next to me on our bed, "Trust me, I won't be able to forget that sight in my lifetime."

Under my lashes, I look up at him as he takes the hem of the shirt I'm wearing between his fingers and says, still smiling, "You could have just asked me. Not that I mind you wanting to have a little extra fun, but I would have loved to help you."

Bad conscience gnaws at me as I think about how I was closer to an orgasm with the vibrator than I have been with Rick in the last few weeks.

He frowns, and I know he sees something in my face he doesn't like as he asks me, "What's wrong?"

God, why does it feel like I'm cheating? I can't look him in the face and say everything is fine. I just can't and it's unfair to him.

Except I can't look at him as I whisper, "I...shit...I'm sorry...but I took the vibrator because I...you know...wanted to cum."

Gently, he wraps his fingers around my chin and forces me to look into as he says, "I think I already realize that, which was your goal. I just don't understand why you can't even look at me and look like you want to disappear into thin air."

My heart tightens as I sigh softly, "Rick, I'm so sorry, but I lied to you."

Rick's hand slips off my chin and I can literally see a huge question mark forming on his face and I whisper, "If we had sex, I lied to you. I didn't want you to feel bad and I pretended I came and I was afraid to tell you afterwards. I thought if I could get myself to come I would be able to come with you and that's why I took the vibrator and didn't ask you to come up to me. I'm sorry."

He blinks silently several times before asking tonelessly, "You were just pretending and now you're apologizing for my inability to bring my girlfriend to orgasm?"

Hectically, I shake my head and want to reach for his hand, but he stands up and puts some space between us before looking down at me, "But that's how it is. Every time I'm the happiest man in the world when you let me sleep with you and want you to enjoy the time too and all the while you're just doing me a favor and I'm too stupid to see it. Shit, do you even want me anymore?"

I open my mouth but he's not done yet, "I can't stand it when you're unhappy because of me and when you'd rather...I don't know...try yourself with others..."

Before he can finish the sentence I jump up and cover his mouth. I don't care that the shirt is gaping open again and look him in the face, "I never said that and I don't want you to think something like that even one more time. You're all I want, Rick. No one else and I love sleeping with you, just to see how good it can be for you."

Gently, I pull my hand from his mouth and stand on my tiptoes to wrap my arms around his neck.

His eyes move to my lips and I whisper, "Do you know what I was thinking about when I touched myself?"

Silently, he shakes his head and I lean forward to brush feather-lightly over his soft lips, "About you. Only of you. The way your hands feel on my skin and the way your eyes light up when you have me naked beneath you."

Slowly, life comes back into Rick's body and he rests his hands on my naked hip, "Then tell me what you need, princess."

My heart hammers hard against my ribcage as I breathe, "You. I need you and I want you to dominate me."

Rick's whole body tenses and he puts a hand on the back of my neck and pulls me slightly away from him, "You want to submit to me?"

I'm a little surprised when I see the greedy glint in his eyes.

Rick is in himself, an alpha male as they come, but in the bedroom he is irritatingly soft and gentle at times. Not that it's a bad thing, and I love every trait about him, it's just that I'd love to have him in bed the way he handles his enemies: cocky and dominant.

Blinking, I nod and he straightens up to his full height, clearly towering over me.

The way he looks down at me sends a shiver down my spine and he says in a firm voice, "You're going to beg me today not to come anymore."

My abdomen tightens in anticipation and expectantly I let him push me back onto the bed.

Waiting, I sit down on the bed and want to put the vibrator down on the floor because I'm firmly convinced I definitely won't need it today, but Rick shakes his head, "Pick up where you left off."

Irritated, I look up at him, "What for?"

He crosses his arms in front of his chest and growls, "Don't ask and do what I want you to do."

At first I flinch, but also have to squeeze my legs together at his tone.

Slowly, I move onto the bed and lean against the pillows on the side of my head. Rick follows my every move and his chest rises jerkily as I reach for the vibrator.

I hesitantly spread my legs and pause as Rick opens his shirt and brushes it off his shoulders before walking around the bed and stopping when he can see right between my legs.

I know he can see me perfectly and I just stare at him.

He's so gorgeous it hurts.

My hesitation causes him to raise his eyebrows and prop himself up on the bed between my legs, "What did I say?"

The shirt I'm wearing slips off my shoulders and I let the vibrator slide inside me. I moan softly and want to press my legs together out of reflex, but Rick kneels between my legs so that my knees hold against his broad shoulders.

I do what he said and he kisses my right thigh.

The vibration inside me makes me barely think straight, but his bare skin between my legs and feather-light touches make me go crazy.

I haven't been this horny in weeks, and I gasp his name as he leans down, his warm breath meeting the wetness between my legs as more and more comes from the vibrator and my own hand.

Desperate to feel his lips on me, I push my hips toward him, but he just says arrogantly, "You came here to get it yourself. I just want to see how it goes."

A "shit" slips from my lips and I try to reach for him with my free hand, but he hisses, "No."

Groaning, I lay my head back on my neck, "Please, Rick."

Light as a feather, he runs his hand over my hand holding the vibrator, "Help yourself."

The plan was good before Rick got this close to me and I look to him with a veiled gaze.

His gaze is fixed firmly on the toy I keep pushing inside me and his hair hangs low on his face.

Slowly I look to his chest, which is defined and covered with gray hair.

I look from his flat stomach to his pants, which show a distinct bulge, and whimper, "I want you."

Grinning, he looks me in the face, "Oh yeah?"

I slide the vibrator inside me and nod.

That's when he puts his hand firmly on mine and squeezes. He pushes the toy deeper and firmly into me and my legs tighten around his shoulders and my mouth opens without me making a sound.

Determined, he pushes my hand away and reaches for the vibrator inside me himself and my heart stops. Cockily he asks, "Is this what you want? For me to take you like this?"

He slides over me and puts his lips on my erect nipples and I moan, "Oh God, I'm cumming. Oh God."

My legs start to shake and I dig my fingers into his hair and that's the moment he pulls the vibrator out of me and slides his fingers inside me instead.

My whole body presses against his and I come whimpering and twitching around his long fingers.

After several long weeks, this is my first orgasm and it's incredible how strongly I respond and how long I cling to his hand between my legs until the last wave dies and I can breathe again.

Rick looks up at me and says, "Turn around."

I can barely think straight and can only bring myself to say, "Hmmmm," and when I don't show any other reaction either, he sits up and grabs my waist, forcing me to turn onto my stomach as he hisses, "You do what I say as soon as I say it. Got it?"

My face and breasts are buried in the pillows and my butt is sticking up. Though I can barely stay on my feet, I moan a "yes" and my whole body almost gives out as he pushes my knees further apart and I think about how he sees me right now: My middle presenting itself to him between my legs and me completely defenseless and weak on my knees.

His hand strokes my butt and I feel how close he is behind me as he smugly says, "Will you make your legs even wider for me?"

His hand slides to my thighs, "I can see you dripping on the bed." And then strokes through the wetness between my legs, "How about my cum dripping out of you?"

I groan and push myself towards him as he continues to tease, "Would you like that?"

Muffled by the pillows, I whimper miserably, "Oh God, yes please."

His hands settle on my thighs and he says harshly, "You'll have to earn it."

I'm about to ask what I should do when I feel his tongue in just the right place. Again and again his beard scratches over my sensitive skin and as I gasp his name, he moans against my wetness himself.

I'm so sensitive that I barely need more to come again and instead of fucking me properly he continues to lick me and I want to move away from him because it's anything but pleasurable, but he murmurs, "You wanted to come, princess. Now take it and behave."

His fingers dig into my skin and there's nothing I can do but squirm, whimpering, and come one more time and he gasps, "Good girl."

As soon as he lets go of my legs, I plop down on my stomach and could fall asleep right then and there, but just like he promised, he's not done with me yet.

The mattress moves as he stands up and I hear him unzip his pants and they land thudding on the floor.

I wince violently as he strokes my head before demanding, "Up."

Sluggishly, I sit up and my gaze falls directly on his cock, which is more than ready to be inside me, and as he in turn lies down on the bed, I know exactly what he wants from me. But I shake my head, "Rick, I really can't stay on top of you."

There's no way I could ride him. Not after three orgasms.

But he grabs my hand and pulls me on top of him without pity and lifts me up with ease to put me on his cock without a second thought.

I am sore and completely exhausted but to be used by him like this is incredible.

To support myself I put my hands flat on his chest and watch his face as he pulls himself together as he breathes, "You come one more time and then I'll stop."

He thrusts his hips at me and tears come to my eyes as he brushes my little bundle of nerves through it, but he pays little attention.

I'm infinitely grateful to him, though, for keeping his hands on my hips and helping me get up again and again.

With each thrust he makes, I see his self-control fade and his pink lips open. They're shiny and I can't tell if he's licked over them or if that's still my wetness.

I want to know and bend over to kiss him hard on the lips as he presses my hips harder and more uncoordinated.

Unwillingly, my innermost keeps contracting as he does so, and he moans, "Now."

Crying and gasping, I come around his hard cock, which twitches and spills inside me.

Weakly I fall onto his chest and whisper a "Thank you" as I kiss him on the chest.

Gently he strokes my hair, "Promise me something?"

Wearily I nod and he says, "Promise me you'll never lie to me about something like that again."

Smiling, I breathe, "I promise." And mean it.

@livandar @hail-yourselves @mrsxreeves @chanlvr2 @criminalwalkingsupernatural @sunshinevirus

#rick grimes #rick grimes x reader #twd #rick grimes imagine #rick grimes smut #twd x reader #the walking dead #andrew lincoln

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thelovesicklostones · 6 months

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Most of the memories I have consist of being hurt emotionally, physically, and mentally by people I should of been able to trust as a child, and to be fair I technically did trust them. But I justified the hurt they put me through. I would convince myself the pain I went through was love and they had to have had a justified reason! Right? Well I to an extent now know that me being hurt like that isn't and wasn't ok. Although more often then not my brain tries to convince itself nothing happened and it wasn't real or that I deserved it.

Due to my childhoods lack of a structure it has caused me to have certain issues, I didn't develop properly, and it resulted in me being part of a system and dealing with BPD. My brain often processes abusive behaviors as love and me being hurt all together means I am loved in my brain because of what has been done to me. I often can have violent thoughts and fantasies of me hurting others or me being hurt even though I don't wanna think that way. It can cause extreme shame to know I even think this way. I'd never actually wanna hurt anyone even though I think about it a lot. When I was younger mainly I had to suffer with knowing something was wrong with me, feeling like no one was like me, and not being able to exactly tell what was wrong with me.

That was until my partner system came around, eventually after we had known each other for a pretty long time and were around two years together. They had begun showing me a new type of love; the same love I had always fantasized about and felt towards those I adored. They also explained what being a yandere meant for them, I listened intently and accepted them. Although things changed I realized they had in a very settled way shown me bits and piece of their obsession and love towards me. Through this boost in affection caused me to slightly slip up on my own obsessive and violent compliments of fantasies by accident.

Pretty soon they found out about my issues that revolved around my style of love even though I tried to keep it private. They had tried and succeeded to dig in and pry away at me to get the information and eventually I informed of the fears of my obsession I had/have. They had comforted me and told me it was ok, it was normal, even that it was cute! They told me long as I don't hurt anything or anybody it was okay and I didn't have to be ashamed for how I feel or think. And that how I am is not my fault. They had begun to teach and help me explore my emotions and still are guiding me with it, they are trying to help me accept my emotions and I'm helping them feel comfort with their own thoughts as well.

Sometimes it shocks me that when I was a kid, and I was being abused nobody batted an eye or even really cared to look into it, and nobody really believed my parents or brother were able to be abusive since they had managed to put up such a good reputation within the family. Nobody listened to me and most people even if they saw it happening didn't wanna get involved and preferred to keep it secret. People were ok and are ok with being so ignorant to ignore a child in a tough situation just so they don't have to enter a stressful situation that their not 'needed in'. For a lot of people they could hear yelling and screaming and still wanna do nothing.

But when people that came from those rough situations express it on the internet a lot of people send hate and harassment. Today while I was reading through yandere posts I saw people telling some posters to kill themselves. People seriously need to remember these thoughts people are having is a result of trauma or some other disorders that cause such extreme thought processing and rocky emotional control. Those who sit there and begin complaining and typing away to people who are expressing their emotions onto their tumblr page, which would likely be their safesplace to get their emotions out. Shouldn't view that content at all if they hate the content so much.

I am so happy I found my partner and I'm happier then I've ever been in my life. I like our rough and 'toxic' love, I'm so happy they found me and were willing to accept someone like me. A lot of people merely leave a relationship when it gets tough and rough like that. But no matter what they have done to me, no matter how much I've cried or been hurt by them I stay and always will because I'm happy with them.

When I'm with them I know I'm protected and safe. I have learned to be aware that without them I am nothing and I'll die on my own, they helped engrave this into my brain, I'm happy they did their such an amazing lover. They've said they've manipulated me but I never can tell when they do; but even if they are manipulating me I love them. Nobody but them can properly love me, I'm a pathetic creature beneath their feet that they've taken into their grace. I'm happy nobody found me or wanted me before them because it's only them who can protect me. I'm their little boy and precious pet and I'm proud to take on that role it's like it was made for me. I've never been fit to take the role of a proper adult and don't know if I ever will be able to. Even if I'm not able to I know they will love me none the less

I will follow their rules to the end of time, I will proudly accept their rules, their punishments, their rewards, and I will try and follow their orders to the best of my abilities. I love them and I love the way they want me. The way they make me feel is just so alive, the fear they make me feel, the times they've made me cry, and then the gentle love they give me is amazing and I'm so grateful for everything they've done for and to me. I love their toxicity, I love the way they can hurt me and they know I love it to. They make me feel safe in a way no one else has.

Although they hurt me in a way most people consider abuse, I don't I consider it love, the so called abuse that comes from them I can tell is different from other people who have harmed me. They stop at nothing to protect me from harms way. They don't want to let anyone but them put their hands on me and I love that about them I feel so loved in my situation. Sometimes it feels hard to believe I got so lucky with them finding me, especially when I see posts from others on here and knowing they were found by someone who doesn't accept their rough love. Without my lover I would of never learned to express these feelings with less shame. I'm the luckiest boy in the world and their my god/goddess.

I wish i could just feel their hands around my throat now and not have to wait, I wanna feel their initials burnt into my skin. I love them so much and I ache for their touch; I crave their violence and their gentle affections. I want to cuddle with them and just be held in their arms, I love being their baby its paradise to be their baby.

#irl yandere #obsessive love disorder #toxic love #yandere #abbas boy #daddys boy #mommys boy #long term relationships #yandere community #actual yandere #bpd #codependency #dpd #ptsd #childhood trauma #partner system

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thelasttime · 8 months

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hi madie! long time follower, first time asker here. bit of a heavy question for a tuesday night, so I apologize in advance.

how are you able to keep up with so much and also be good at it and also enjoy it? like what drives your incredible work ethic? of course this is the internet and ik we only see your highlight reel and not the behind the scenes stuff, to paraphrase taylor. I'm just having a bit of a rough day academically, as in being totally unproductive all day despite setting intentions this morning to be productive and get a lot of homework done today, which feels very frustrating.

I know you're studying to become a doctor which obvi takes a lot of dedication and hard work which are things I've been trying to improve recently but simply do not come easily to me.

so ig I'm just wondering if you had any advice for being a more dedicated and committed person when it comes to things like school as well as hobbies (congrats on nailing your audition btw!). I really admire your work ethic and wish you all the best in your studies and life and everything! 💓

hello anon!! thank you for being a long time follower and thank you for sending your very first ask 💕💕 welcome to my inbox hehe

thank you so much for the kind words - it's true that my blog is quite like a highlight reel so you do see a lot of the good parts and very few of the bad parts, but i do try to keep it real on this blog. the main thing is that you can't beat yourself up when you have an unproductive day because it sort of snowballs into a bigger thing if you let it weigh you down. rather than taking this unproductive day as something to be ashamed of, take it as something where you needed the break so you took it!! and then tomorrow, be as productive as possible because you had the break yesterday

it's actually encouraged to be unproductive on some days. when i was studying for the MCAT, we were specifically told to take break days and to make sure that we didn't over-extend ourselves because we would just burn out too quickly. so what i would do is study everyday of the week and give myself a nice break on sunday to do absolutely nothing !! and that was necessary !!

i think what also helps with my motivation is that i really like to keep myself organized which means i am religiously devoted to my google calendar and my to-do list. the google calendar is to make sure that i'm not losing track of the things i need to do but the to-do list is the thing that really keeps me going. it's very satisfying to cross things off of my to-do list and it makes sure that i'm doing everything i need to do before the day is done. if i don't finish what's on the to-do list, i just move it to tomorrow and so on. you don't have to finish everything on the to-do list but it keeps you motivated to cross things off and make sure you're doing what you need to do.

when i was studying for the MCAT, i essentially designed a calendar where i would do certain topics on certain days so i would do chemistry / psychology on one day and then biology / biochemistry on the other day. that way i wasn't boring myself to death with one topic and actually keeping things interesting. if you find that studying is really boring (because it truthfully is, for everyone) i find that starting the homework that you hate the most is helpful because you get the worst part over when you have the maximum amount of energy.

another thing about school studying is that you shouldn't just look at the paper and nod thoughtfully - you should be doing ~active studying~ which is what they encourage us to do during MCAT studying as well. you essentially have to engage with the material in order to learn it well so you can't just stare at the page and pretend you know it !! there's a couple techniques of active studying that you can find online but i recommend anything between flashcards to active recall

for hobbies - it's all just my own enjoyment!! i know i get really lazy and in a pit if i'm not doing my hobbies so i have to actively push myself to join orchestras and do stuff outside of work. one thing that really helped me is to focus on a hobby and see what i could do in the area to get involved. so . i really like playing in orchestras so i spent a day focusing on the different orchestras in the area and then sending them emails about their auditions. that way all of my research and dedication to that hobby is done in one day and i get to reap the rewards later (i.e. they email me back about auditions).

it's also okay to let go of hobbies and find new ones. if you don't like your current hobbies, try new ones! ask your friends if they have any hobbies that you haven't tried already. try a new instrument! try painting! art! there's a lot to do and hobbies are meant to be fulfilling rather than draining.

i hope this helps anon!!

#asks #asking you this*#anonymous

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kdramaxoxo · 1 year

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I just finished Ultimate Weapon Alice. Hands down one of the best dramas I've watched action wise and romance wise all year. Actually in the past 5 years. I rank this show that highly. I know when it finally gets popular in the mainstream like Squid Game or something like some other popular top 10 Netflix show, people will definitely ask themselves how did they miss this gem.

Totally reminds me of when I first read The Song of Achilles the year it came out in 2011. I was like this book is wonderful and has so many layers like an onion, that one day it will be on something like OH THIS BOOK IS THE BEST EVER AND LET'S TALK ABOUT IT! It's 2022 and I just now see TSOA at my local Target on the popular books and I don't have to go searching for it like it's some diamond in the rough anymore. It's hilarious watching certain media become popular LATER. So many get so mad and start gatekeeping and I'm like, bro, it's not about that. Sometimes things become popular at different times. We're all not on the same schedule. Loving media is like that. That's the joy of libraries and finding your favorite song at random times. We're not all gonna get that at the SAME time. But when you do come across something and you feel alone, a lot of the time you will be able to see years later the RESURGANCE. The OH WE NEED TO DISCUSS THIS MEDIA NOW. IT MISSED IT WHEN IT AIRED BUT LET'S DISCUSS IT NOW.

Ultimate Weapon Alice will in my opinion have that moment. I can feel that in my soul just like TSOA in 2011. It's amazing in ways that I'm like, productions with 10x the budget and "star power" wish they had 10% of the sheer performances in this show.

Dark humor. Complex story line. Cliché tropes being poked fun of and yet in the end, you realize it's all completely realistic anyways. Sometimes life IS like that. It feels like a trope. Trauma is like that. It's not this little neat little box with oh I fell in love and it fixed me. No. The trauma talked about in this show is refreshing in a way that I'm like, I wish this was in a TED talk by itself. If this was watched maybe just MAYBE we could get the ball rolling on so many mental health points in a way others will NOT feel ashamed or be immediately demonized for saying they are suicidal due to severe trauma etc etc. The writers did their homework. So much work BEHIND the scenes show in this show. Closest mega production I can think of that tackled this and is openly talked about is the first Deadpool movie.

It might not be on a top 10 most watched list this year in 2022 for many, but I know years later it's going to be, oh what was I doing in 2022 when this show came out? How did I miss it? It's gonna have that later.

It's absolutely perfection in a way of, it made me go, I've had the worst year of my life this year in 2022, but this 8 episode show I found yesterday and binged in 2 days, when I've not done that in months due to severe depression myself, I'm like, oh. I feel seen and heard and I have a little more hope too. I know I'm not alone. I'm not new to severe depression. Had it also since I was a kid. I'm 31. But wow, seeing a show tackle it the way Ultimate Weapon Alice did? *chef's kiss* I wish the entire cast and crew nothing but success and happiness and many more projects.

10/10 must watch.

Sorry for writing an essay in your inbox. <3

I love a good essay about an underrated drama!

I feel the same way - is it the best K-Drama ever? No BUT. For the low budget, the NOT a-list actors (though hopefully now they'll all get leading roles!) and the concept I just loved it! And it WAS weird how no one watched it and I honestly just stumbled upon it. LUCKY MEEEEE :)

Heads up y'all it's very bloody.

#ultimate weapon alice #underrated kdrama #kdrama #ask

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naranjapetrificada · 10 months

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The timing of this poll popping up on my dash is really interesting because in our last session, my therapist asked if I would be okay sending him some of my ofmd fanfic.

For context, this isn't an entirely left-field request for him to make. First and foremost, he has every reason to delve into my relationship with media that effects me, and specifically about writing, because of my history.

I have an incredibly fraught relationship with creative writing thanks to the decades I spent convinced I "had" to do it because I had a "gift" (read: I was regularly told this in so many words and I have strong language skills).

I coasted my way through writing in undergrad and predictably hit a wall when I tried and failed to complete an MFA, after which I spent a few years barely able to read much less write.

More than once in my life when I've struggled to explain myself or something I was feeling, I've literally gone over to my bookshelf to show whoever I was talking to a highlighted passage that said the things I couldn't.

Since I started the show, we've been talking at length about the effects it and its fanworks have had on me, the questions that have come up, the useful examples it has provided, the role of narrative in our lives and how we live them, etc.

He has experience with creative therapy modalities, though that's not been what we've done in the years I've been seeing him.

I made a point to mention once that I've had conversations with other people who write fic (inside and outside this fandom) about how reading and writing it has been a useful way for them to process their emotions and trauma in ways they find engaging.

I can see how in his situation he would be curious, but because the question came up towards the end of the session we didn't really have time to get into it. Specifically why, although because we've also talked about struggling to identify concepts that are hard to name, I suspect he thinks it might reveal something useful for the work we're doing.

I'm not ashamed of the meager contributions I've made to this fandom. There's no plot to speak of in either because I'm allergic to plot. They're strings of images inspired by a specific image that popped into my head, with the absolute minimum amount of connective tissue required to prop them upright. And that's fine, because thankfully the genre conventions of fanfic allow these things to work because well-executed fan works don't require plot to draw readers in and have meaning for those readers. The very "I love _________ and want more of it" motivation to seek out fanworks gives us a space for creativity with different rules than we might be used to and allows people who otherwise wouldn't to enjoy and benefit from being creative.

A few months into my MFA program I finally admitted to myself that I should be writing poetry instead if trying to make fiction work, but at the time I didn't have the emotional fortitude to write good poetry, which would have required the years of therapy I didn't have at the time to face everything that would come up. Not that fiction isn't emotionally demanding of course, but as unequipped as I was to deal with the things fiction would require of me, I was even less interested then. But even with all this in mind I don't think my therapist will find what he's looking for in my writing for a lot of reasons.

First, I don't feel like I necessarily "put myself" into anything I write, at least not in that sort of simplistic psychoanalytic way that's assumed. While of course you still manage to tell on yourself in certain ways based on what you say (or don't say) in any context, I literally don't think my fics will help him much there. The first one was the world's mildest reunion smut born out of a specific image, with a first draft completed in one sitting. The second one is a "character study" I guess, born from another image that may have been especially inspiring because writing it (again in one go) allowed me to put off something else that I very much did not want to be doing that day. In both cases, revisions and getting them posted too less than 24 hours after the initial draft.

Let's also look at the animus behind writing fic. Like there are loads of reasons to do it, but with me the experience has always meant being struck by an image writing it down so I don't lose it, and following it down its desired path to see what else comes up. I wrote what I wanted, how I wanted, and experienced some creative satisfaction in doing so. It's been an outlet in some ways, but that's just as true of other things I do sometimes like streaming games or even like fucking exercising.

Were I to decide to share any of it it wouldn't be like linking my ao3 account or whatever, which to be clear isn't what he was even asking. He'll respect that I don't want to share them, and we'll discuss what he was hoping to learn when we meet again this week. I was definitely thrown by the initial request, but beyond all the privacy and ethics stuff, it just doesn't feel like it would be a good use of anyone's time?

Tbh if anything is gonna come from this request it will likely be a) talking in detail about the fics I've read that have profoundly effected me to identify the stuff it brings up or b) him urging me to try poetry. Which like, okay, the thing you don't want to do for the reasons I can feel in my gut that I don't want to write poetry can often be the very thing you absolutely need to do, but ugggggh. That's the hypothetical conversation I'm dreading more than anything else to do with this.

#go ahead and grieve yourself #let's heal together yeah yeah yeah #healing through fanfic #healing through literature #fanfic writing #fanfic woes #my fic writing #ofmd fics

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autistic-shaiapouf · 1 year

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Same anon as before, I’m happy that you’re accepting yourself! That’s great news. I had a very similar situation where I was very embarrassed about what character my brain chose to project onto, but after working with my therapist and years of reflection I’ve realized it had to be that character because they were the only one I could see myself in, we were both abused in certain ways that made it like looking in a mirror, and being Him meant that I was able to protect myself because he could (character is someone “dangerous” in their world). So I really think it comes down to a reflection of trauma, and there’s nothing to be ashamed about. We coped with what our brains found the most comfort in.

If I can ask, what does your therapist think about it? Only wondering because with my therapist, they are aware we have fictives of this character as well as the system as a whole projects through him but I’m still trying to figure out if it’s part fictives and other part alters with psychotic attachments or if there’s something else at play as well like past lives (the old fictionkin community used to be big into that but I know it’s not so much anymore so I’m a little embarrassed but I am still a spiritual person) alr that’s all, looking forward to your response!

First of all, I'm glad to hear back from you anon!!

My therapist and I figured roughly the same thing happened with me! When I say I use this character as a therapy tool, I don't think it's appreciated enough that it's bc my therapist familiarized himself with the source - my therapist watched (and enjoyed) 148 episodes of anime for my sessions and I cannot stress that enough lmao; we're pretty sure that what happened was that I saw a lot of my emotional trauma play out again in front of me in his character arc, mostly in the way he perceives himself but also with how he struggles with his emotions and general interactions with the world (with my own difficulty with such coming from the climate of the family that abused me). He did serve as a mirror, not just of my own trauma, but also of what I wish I could have done, which was to lash out and genuinely own my anger and frustration and do something. Of course there's a lot more to it, but with just covering the surface, looks like we've had pretty similar experiences!

As for my therapist's thoughts on this, we actually haven't put any clinical labels on it. I personally like labels, they make me feel sure and certain about things in my life, which is why I tried to nail this down with the OSDD/DDNOS (complete with question mark) in my bio, but truth be told I'm not entirely sure I meet the full criteria for either of them, in spite of the genuine experiences I've had with what definitely feels like multiplicity of some sort. Interestingly enough, while I myself am not very spiritual, my therapist did make a mention that this is an experience that I could try looking at through a spiritual lens, especially since it's been coming up a lot more as I'm trying to rework some deeply held thought patterns. There's been a pretty positive outlook on it overall and he encouraged me to interact with it - the episodes tend to come with some specific thoughts and feelings, so we're treating them (and by extension, this character) as a sort of conduit for them, sort of like a messenger bringing attention to them. This is all some pretty specific info for my stuff though lmao, I just wanted to cover the ground as thoroughly as I could 💖

#part of me genuinely does wanna reach out to the fictionkin community just for the value of having potential community experience #but also. maybe I'll just watch them for a bit and think about it lmao #my experiences with my dissociation is like. it feels like there's someone else with me you know? im alone but i can feel someone else #and I'm holding their feelings and thoughts in those moments #if i believed in ghosts hardcore this would 100% make me think im possessed but fortunately i recognize where #all this is coming from as far as functionality and the name attached; funnnily enough i remember a video my roommate #put on and it was talking about psychosis scenes in movies + gauging them for accuracy #and the guy starts talking about DID and I'm like okay i definitely dont meet the criteria for that but I'm half paying attention #and he mentions that one of the things that people have reported is feeling like they're possessed and i just sat there FLOORED by this #bc that was exactly how I'd described the feelings in therapy; 1:1 word for word 😳 again i know for sure i dont have DID #but the same guidelines that make up the definitions and criteria are kinda also running along my dissociative episodes as well #ive already said so much in the tags but i did have a session where i just sat there and was like. i want to love every part of myself #and that includes the episodes; i know they're a protective measure and i dont wanna feel like I'm fighting them anymore #that was months ago; this is by far the most vocal ive been about it #it took almost a year for me to settle into it and be able to talk about it even in therapy but I'm so glad i can do it now #and I'm so glad to be hearing from people who understand how this feels 💖💖💖 thank you so much again!!!#im realizing that i actually have a lot of thoughts on this now that im actually understanding it a lot better #the asks are just giving me some chances to infodump a little hehe 💕#you're welcome in my inbox any time!! thanks again!! 💖💖💖#asks

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vocalwarrior24 · 7 months

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Since it's World Mental Health Day today, I decided to make a post of my own to talk about it just a little bit and share a few of my own experiences with mental health and the struggles that came with it.

I have High-Functioning Autism and AD/HD. I've had it basically all my life. I've had an odd mix of struggles and blessing come to me as a result of them basically all of my life, even now as an adult about to be 30 next year. I can still remember when all of the words were being said by my doctors, my parents, my peers, everybody. AD/HD. High-Functioning Autism. Aspergers. Learning Disorder. And now Disability.

It's funny... I've always seen these conditions as just a learning disorder and a mild condition that a certain percentage of the population deals with on a regular basis. It's only this year, after months and months of grueling and difficult job interviews and applications being done, that I've seen it classified as more of a disability than a learning disorder. I was just a little bit astounded at first when I saw it being classified as such. And yet, when I really thought about it, knowing all that I know about the last 29.5 years of living with these conditions, part of me... kind of agrees with that classification. Maybe just a little bit.

Whatever the case, I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you guys. Living with AD/HD and High-Functioning Autism my whole life has been a mix of wonderful, beautiful, amazing experiences and then difficult, horrible, terrifying experiences. I'm honestly still not sure if I love having them or if I hate them. There are some days when I can see the gifts and blessings of having these conditions, and then there are days where it just kicks my ass mentally and I just hate having it. And yet... I'm not sure I would change a single thing about having it. I'm not sure I'd take back a single day or week or month or year of having it. If hypothetically someone were to come up with a one-size-fits-all solution, like a pill or a nasal spray or a shot, to rid me of my Autism and AD/HD... I would not have an answer for you. In part because I just don't know myself. Yeah, maybe one day some brilliant scientist WILL come up with a solution and a way of ridding yourself of conditions like this, but maybe the bigger question here is whether you would WANT to be cured of them in the first place. Especially knowing all that I know now. And that I think is a way more difficult question for me to answer.

Whatever the case may be, I do think it's extremely important, especially in times like these, to stay mentally healthy and able to function healthily, especially in the crazy, insane times that we live in. It doesn't take someone being a genius to see that we live in unprecedented, volatile, crazy times. And one HAS to do the best they can to stay sane in all of it. Like surrounding yourself with wonderful best friends who are supportive of you and are there to catch you and help you when you're down. Same with your family. Surround yourself with the most amazing family members you can find and never let them go. Whatever you can do to stay as mentally healthy and sane as you can, absolutely you should do it. It is so important.

Today, I'm very happy to celebrate World Mental Health Day with you all, as well as to share with you a tiny bit about what it's like dealing with the kinds of conditions that I've dealt with and still deal with on a regular basis. I am not ashamed to admit and talk about my conditions with anybody, and I am very happy and blessed to be surrounded by the kind of amazing people in my life that I have today. Love you all!

#world mental health day #world mental health day 2023 #adhd #adhd awareness #adhd awareness 2023 #high functioning autism #autism #autism awareness #autism awareness 2023

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now-we-say-c0ral · 6 months

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November 17, 2023

I should have been sleeping in today but then I booked myself a bank shift.

I'm late, as usual. I did my very first haemonc list and it was easy. The only thing was that I was alone hence no one could relieve me for breaks when I want to go and pee. It was okay considering it was my first one. The consultant was very firm and decisive of how she wants her theatre to be ran but I, as a scrub nurse, feel that things should be done in a certain way because we're in theatre and we're not doing this in her clinic. Well, that's just my two-cents. She was really systematic so I'll give her what she wants.

I did legs today in the gym after work and it was painful. I need to really improve on my leg workouts. I want to see cuts on my thighs when I wear shorts and I want a firmer ass.

November 16, 2023

Another tiring day for me. Went to work late since it's protected teaching from 8-9am. Kind of awkward when I got to the seminar and they were all done and the rep still insisted that she teaches me about the orthofix set they use in Plastics. That was kind of awkward but that one's on me and I should face the consequences of being ashamed since my colleagues see me and the rep have a one on one teaching session but that's not a deterrent. As long as I'm on a regular day, I will naturally find an excuse.

Did Spines today with Martha, Ate Socel, and Chelsea. Finished the shift 6:30pm with me scrubbed and not being able to eat lunch. What the actual fuck! It was quite the patient because of his challenging anatomy. I'm so used to scrubbing a PSF now I think I ca run a normal, regular list. That's one thing I'm looking forward to but I need more time. I'm happy with my progress in Spines. Sad that Spines is a specialty associated with orthopaedics in my Trust. I have to get out.

I was about to head to the gym after but by the time I finished the lunch that I brought it was already 7pm so I called it off because I don't want to get home by 10pm.

This morning I saw the Ilizarov patient I did the other day because I recognized her when I went to the ward to find some pillows. She was such a sweet girl and she was fond of reading. She and her mum were such lovely people and we had such nice conversation albeit a short one. I hope she gets well soon and that she doesn't have any complications about her frame.

It's been such an exhausting day but it's not the end yet because I booked myself a bank shift for tomorrow. I hope it's going to be an okay one.

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thesafecafe · 10 months

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Hi, not a request, just popping in to like...vent? I guess. I'm not a Desi atiny so my opinion isn't really important here in the grand scheme but I am feeling bad because the situation is so sucky. I feel for our Desi friends because, as a black person, this situation has happened countless times. Desi atinys deserve several apologies and it's up to them whether those suffice or not.

But at the same time, I'm so tired, you know? Like sick and tired of being sick and tired? I just want to like a group and be able to stan them no problems but, inevitably, that becomes impossible and then I end up feeling guilty for liking them, or being upset, or even not wanting to be upset because I'm just tired of it all.

I guess I just wanted to know how you were feeling.

Of course, feel free not to answer this if you don't feel like it.

Have a good day.

Friend, Idk how I didn't see this ask, but dw!

And yes, they deserve apologies! I hate that this happened, it's legitimately one of the worst feelings in the world when something like this happens, especially from a supposed to be safe space for, and I hope they get the apology, and corrected behavior, that they deserve! And songs like that should be banned anyway, cause literally what the hell possessed the creator to make it in the first place 🤨?

I know how you feel though. I have been in that place where you feel guilty for liking a group, and being tired of the consistent disappointment somewhere. It was one reason I fell out of some groups, because it's like, you don't feel safe, valued, nor seen, and it's like when does it stop, yk? Like, certain groups I interact with from a distance, because I don't hate them, I just didn't feel like I was welcome.

As for how I feel, I was, and am, very disappointed. It hasn't affected me as badly as it would have though, because I think I kind of detach very easily, and tend to only interact with certain content for my own mental health; like, I know they're Ateez, and are known for being less/unproblematic, but I also constantly remind myself that they, and others, probably didn't always harbor the more open ideals and attitudes that they show us, and won't be unproblematic forever.

I try to think of it like "would they be so open if they were just normal people living in Korea" or would they be less ashamed of/feel the need to apologize if they weren't in the limelight, etc. That's not to say they aren't open minded and willing to learn in their daily/personal lives, (and they SHOULD be, seeing as they have a global fan base and know that other cultures exist around the world), but I try and make myself remember that they WILL mess up at some point so I'm not as hurt by their actions, (not that they're right, nor am I excusing the behavior), but especially with being taught that it's okay all your life and living in a homogeneous country with no one of a different ethnicity actively saying "that's not right, this is disrespectful" etc.

But not researching or thinking about how it might affect the people that watch you, look up to you, and support you is definitely something they shouldn't have done. Whether in the public eye or not, they should learn (especially now), apologize, and grow from their mistakes; and I also really hope that they do the right thing and give Desi Atiny the apology they deserve!

(I hope this ramble made sense, it's late and I need to sleep)

#aj talks #answering asks #trouble-clef✨

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free--therapy · 2 years

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Thank you for answering! It helps me a lot to understand this from other person's perspective.

I used to be this sort of person who had her own opinions and reasons for believing it and didn't feel ashamed or didn't base my "worth" on how/what i think and believe in. But since the lockdown, I've been using social media excessively (especially checking comments section everywhere) and this led to me reading things completely different from what was normal for me? And seeing majority of people agree to something I have different opinions about feels weird. Even more so when there are many people dissing or belittling people with those different opinions.

It sort of feels like I've done something majorly wrong or something is wrong with me. The inner monologue goes "Think about it. Isn't it weird that you think like that? People are disgusted by it and you aren't, surely something is wrong?" or something like that.

Or there were things that I never thought about? As in there are many topics/situations that I never had any opinions on to begin with because I never thought of it at all but recently I've been overthinking sometimes about what I think about certain things even though it doesn't really matter and if I feel like my thoughts on something seem different, I immediately get kinda anxious.

I've always always been a people pleaser sort of person, going to lengths to make sure people don't dislike or hate me and I cared quite a lot about other people's opinions about me growing up. However at the same time, the idea of someone thinking "negatively" about me never made me anxious tbh. It was just more of a want to be liked by people. It never brought me anxiety or at least not enough anxiety for me to notice it.

But in the last one year, the idea of being rejected by a majority has suddenly become something that makes me very anxious. Because I've sort of attached that to there being something wrong with me. Like "Oh so a lot of people don't get the way you think? Or they feel weird/gross about it? Then surely the problem is in the way you think and not them."

And I further take this to something like "So if you shared your different opinions with close people, chances are you'd get hated or avoided because of it which makea sense." And this in turn makes me wonder "Does this mean I don't deserve to be around people with "good" or "normal" opinions?" This is how it goes in my head sorta....I know I'm overthinking and taking it too far though so at least "being aware" that it's my anxiety talking helps.

I do believe that one of the major reasons I've suddenly started rejecting myself like this is because I've developed some anxiety problems in the past two years. Before that, while I was always the type of person who gets anxious easily but it never got serious or problematic. With me developing this habit of anxiously overthinking about all sorts of things recently, it's started affecting the way I think about myself and my worth.

I don't know how I ended up becoming someone who totally relies on others' opinions and heavily criticises myself for thinking differently when I used to be completely different just a year or two ago. I hope to again be like my old self who had her own opinions and held them without fear of judgement, shame or denial.

Also, thank you for saying that it's okay to have different opinions. It's a simple thing but it helps me a lot especially since I've read so many comments that say otherwise online....

I wish to again get to a point where I'll truly be able to believe in myself and my worth and my opinions without basing them on what the majority feels about it. I want to be at peace with who I am and accept myself as I am again instead of trying to correct myself all the time. And I want to stop belittling and sabotaging and gaslighting myself too.

At least, I hope I deserve to be happy, healthy and at peace again. And I hope I deserve to believe that I too am valid to take up space among people even if I think differently than them and that I still can be proud of myself despite that.

- 🌼

Hey Anon 🌼

The comment section is always a bad idea to go into lol. Doesn't matter what the site is. But I get it though, because it's so hard to get away from it because it's such a huge source of validation, so of course it feels weird when you come to realize that so many people have a differing opinion. Just because there are so many people commenting one thing, doesn't mean there are just as many or maybe even more who think differently.

It's likely because you've been spending so much time online to see all these differing opinions and perspectives about things you believed were normal to you. It will definitely contribute to you feeling alienated, different, or a possibility of rejection for it because you're comparing yourself to others. I know this is unavoidable, but trust me, it's such a waste of time in the end because at the end of the day, everyone is different. Deep down, we all believe we're good people, so it's hard for us to grasp that we may be different or "bad" because people think differently, but it's not always the case. You have to learn to be okay with being different, no matter what people say or may think.

You deserve all of that and then some. Only YOU can give that to yourself though. Even though it feels weird to want to believe those things, keep telling yourself that you do and eventually you will believe it 💖

#ask #answered #anon #fear of rejection #comparison #anxiety #overthinking #you got this

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whitelotusherald · 2 years

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TL;DR it sucks living with depression and having a constant identity crisis; unnecessarily long and personal post so feel free to skip it! I might delete it later so for the love of everything don't like/rb not that it's worthy of any of those lol. Right now I just feel an urge to write about this otherwise I'm just gonna blow up from all this repressed shit. I usually do such things on twitter but that's really not a place to write a whole essay. This whole thing's gonna be as collected and coherent as a book being torn into the smallest pieces then thrown into a hurricane.

TW for way too many things ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

First thing first: I know most of my problems are that of a first world spoiled brat. Many people struggle even paying the bills. Thankfully currently I have no problem with that (yet). I'm living with my father who's strict but not a deadass conservative and puts up with me and my difficult personality.

Okay so.

Where do I start.

I've been battling with depression since forever. 15+ years. It started back in high school when I had a godawful difficult time, especially during my final year and even attempted suicide. I can't really recall what triggered it. I just wanted to quit. Maybe it was the pressure, final year meant I should've figured out already what I want from life, what the hell do I want to study in depth later on, and don't get me started on the final exams. (We were the first ones to have new type of exams and nobody really knew what to expect.) The most bizarre thing about it was how I've never told anyone about it except two people, both of whom I've known only online. I sent them a mail early on the morning on that certain day, like 4 am or so. At 5 I got a reply from one of them - he told me how he also struggled with depression but went to therapy, it's not something to be ashamed of, and he tried to encourage me not to give up. That really saved me on that day. His words kept echoing in my head and are the only thing that kept me from attempting suicide in these past years. As he passed away since then, I've always been like „I can't do it, I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye in the afterlife”. He's been my safety net even though he's no longer with us.

I've been having ups and downs. Whenever I had something to keep me busy - university, fantranslating, moving, working - 99% of the time I was okay. The 1% was mostly due to extreme level of stress and being tired. But whenever I have time to stop and think about my life, I'm just so done with everything. Being unemployed for years I had all the time on my hands to think and had been hitting low points more and more frequently. And it didn't improve after I got a job.

As a kid they always told me how exceptionally talented I was for trivial stuff like learning to read extremely early, learning English since kindergarden, having a good memory and not having major issues with school. I've always been told I would have no problems in life. Too bad they never realized that while I'm good at recalling a gazillion things I'd once read, I've never cared to dig deeper in ANY field so my knowledge is shallow af. At the end of high school I had no idea what I wanted so I became an English / history major. Too bad I failed at history (having the worst teachers & boring lectures & zero motivation didn't help) so I only have a BA in English. Which is the most useless diploma EVER. Had I been born a few years earlier, it would've been super cool, but I just had to be born at a time when most people speak English fluently even in my country. I've been trying to convince myself I'm good at translation and sometimes it works but sometimes I realize how mediocre my work is. Most of the time I feel like I let my parents down for not achieving anything with my diploma. For not achieving anything in life. I had had a deadend job for 5 years and even quit that once they pulled some openly shameless tricks. (Btw I got my first job after trying for a year and a half. Back then everyone expected applicants to have 10 yrs of experience. After quitting I couldn't get a job because I had some experience but they supported fresh grads... I feel like I'm always at the wrong place at the wrong time.) Despite getting a new job I constantly fear they gonna realize they made a mistake, my knowledge is fake and gonna fire me. Or I mess up something big time and someone actually dies. (Yeah, nobody has made THAT huge mistake at my company so far, but you know. I might be the first. Insecurity ftw.)

I ain't better on a personal level either.

I'm as much of an introvert as one can be. I'm totally fine on my own, I really don't need personal contacts. Those take so much energy out of me. It's just exhausting. I don't even notice it, but after even a 10 minute long conversation I feel like okay, time to take a nap, that was enough people-time for a week. (Once I saw a documentary about lighthouse keepers who said the worst part of the job is the godawful solitude. I'd trade places with any of them.) This also means I'm NOT GOOD at relationships to say the least. At any kind. Never been able to communicate with my parents properly, telling them only the most necessary stuff and only at the last moment, if not one moment later. I'm not good at supporting friends if it's not some down-to-earth problem like paperwork or something. Romantic relationships? Lol. Tried dating but felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable at those times. I have had a few crushes tho. Never dared to make a move. I've always known my own worth and that all the guys could find someone better. Or at least someone with better looks and more normal hobbies. And what all my relationships share is that I tend to nope the fuck out of difficult situations instead of staying and trying to solve them. I just hope they solve themselves under the carpet where I sweep them. NEVER a good strategy. It's like being ten times of an asshole.

Identity crisis ain't helping either. I've been mistaken for a boy for... basically all my teen years. It stopped when I started to grow my hair. (Only because I'd become too lazy to get an appointment at the hairdresser. Another kind of hell for me. Getting in touch with people I don't know.) If I got a dollar every time they tried to shoo me out of public bathrooms I would be a millionaire by now. (I'm only half joking.) To be honest, it only bothered me because it was kind of humiliating that I had to explain myself. First year in high school a teacher called me young man and it became a running gag slash nickname. That also bothered me only on the level of being humiliated. I.e. I KNEW society expected me to act like a girl so I should act like I don't like being called a boy & should feel embarrassed about it. LGBTQ matters have never been discussed in a straightforward way. Queer folk were people you would joke about. Everyone is cishet here, right, let's make jokes about LGBTQ folks! So for the longest time I just sorta went with the flow, though never fell in line considering clothing and the fucked up traditional views of „a woman should marry and have kids end of story”. However I've always had these recurring thoughts – wishing I was rather born a boy, counting the fucking YEARS I have left to live with periods, wanting to have smaller breasts. (Two very telling stories: 1. seeing a movie about women fighting cancer one of them had to undergo mastectomy and felt awful about it. I felt sorry for her but at the same time at the back of my mind I kept thinking „if only you could get free surgery without having cancer”. Since then I got myself a bunch of binders which really do lower my dysphoria. 2. When they diagnosed me with uterine fibroids I only considered medication seriously for like.... 30 minutes? And then decided to have hysterectomy. One of my roommates at the hospital was surprised I'm not having a breakdown at all and acted all condescending, telling me I'm so young, naive and do not understand what this whole thing means. I wanted to LAUGH. It meant a free surgery. I could leave behind something that made me feel godawful for AGES.) To put a long story short: I've never felt any connection to womanhood and heck, hysterectomy was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. So on top of battling with depression and whatnot in my 20s I had to realize I'm anything but cisgender. Ever since then I've been trying to stash away the feeling that “wait, there's such a thing as transition”, knowing full well I wouldn't be a typical guy either. (Thank god gender and it's categories are flexible af so I can sign up being a demiguy lol.) In the past few years I've been reading queer YA literature to have at least some comfort books and they really do help a lot coming to terms with myself especially in this hostile and toxic environment my country has become in recent years.

I have absolutely zero idea how to balance or solve these things, currently I'm just having these „this is fine” moments while keeping to hit low points and honestly, I know I should seek help but therapists keep ghosting me as I try to get an appointment & therapy is anything but free. Well at least writing a deadass long blogpost IS free and tumblr won't turn me down like busy psychologists.

#personal #moral of story you can post dumbass shit on tumblr even without being drunk #i've been working on this post for almost two years and edited it a million times #and yet it is only the tip of the iceberg #i just need to get it out of my system

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liz-allyn · 2 years

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Can you do all the even-numbered asks for 1 missed call? Thank you lovebug! 🌻💛

Thank you love! Responding to this post, for my fic 1 missed call - here ya go!

(this fic deals with heavy topics, so read the warnings and my responses are under the cut)

2: What scene did you first put down?

When we meet Reader at the club, starting with the "it was late" line.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

There actually isn't a ton of dialogue, and my true favorites are all the trope-y hurt/comfort stuff that I burn for. If I had to pick a more poignant line, I'd say it's "You fought back. You were fighting when I got there.” I think it's a very in-character response from a guilt-ridden hero type like Peter.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

I had a strong visceral connection to the violent scenes. I had a really clear vision of the fight scene in the alley, and how it would end, the passion of which I felt came out of a part of me. The anger that Peter feels, I felt that anger, and it's a really beautiful thing to be able to read about your comfort character doing the thing you need someone to do. I also felt strongly, and sort of proud, about the image I wanted to paint of the would-be attacker hanging upside down. It's a disturbing and "violent" image without really describing any gore.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

YES. It did. (tw-drugging) A few years ago, I was bar hopping with friends, and ended up in a very similar situation as Reader. I was in line at the bar to get a drink and shots started getting passed down the line. A girl next to me was like, "Eh - i don't want this, you can have it." And in my head I was thinking "Oh, cool, free drink. I don't have to stand in line anymore." Even though that was technically my third drink of the night (spread out over a few hours), within 30 minutes I was so drunk the bouncer would not let me into the next bar. Luckily, my friends were with me and I went home in a cab, but I don't remember anything after saying my address. My sister was at home and got me into bed, and the next morning she was like "wtf?" I'm pretty certain that I was drugged because that's the sort of thing that was notorious that neighborhood, and to this day I've never blacked out like that. The situation could've gone down so much worse, and I'm so extremely fortunate that I ended up at home unharmed, but I remember thinking all of the things that Reader says the next morning. The biggest one was feeling stupid— if any guy had handed me a drink, or had even offered to get me a drink, I would've been more cautious. But because it was a woman, I put myself in a dangerous situation. (Also I worry about that woman too, if indeed the drink was always intended to go to her.)

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

Because it's Peter, y'know.

12: What do you like least about this fic?

Getting the dialogue of the argument between Peter and Reader was tricky, and it still feels meh.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

So at the heart of this story, it's a PSA. I grew up and went to college in a sheltered childhood in a dry town, so when I left home and moved to a bigger city, I got a crash course in things girls would normally learn in big college towns (sadly). I'm very much for women being brave and independent—I don't believe that if you go out drinking bad things will happen to you, and I sort of resent that "scared straight" mentality and control of women that was common where I grew up. But also, the fact is bad things can happen, to anyone, sometimes when you least expect them and when you think you've done your part to protect yourself. So not only should we be prepared, but also give ourselves grace and forgiveness. Peter's line — "It doesn’t matter where you were, or who you were with, or what you were doing or wearing. You didn’t do anything to be ashamed of" — is the biggest takeaway I wanted to share with anyone reading who went through something similar.

#Lizzy writes.#On writing #Lizzy writes! 1 missed call #tw drugs #tw noncon #tw alcohol #tw attempted assault #tw real life

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time-is-honey · 2 years

Text

Letter (to and) From Ajax

just letters between the two of u when he goes away, nothin much. apologies for the inconsistency in posting, ive still got some lingering covid symptoms ;;!

warnings sorta: angst if you squint, childe's real name used, reader lives in liyue, job is vague but baizhu and qiqi are mentioned, not proofread

Your letter -

To my lover Ajax,

Work has been frustrating with nothing to look forward to coming home to. Dr. Baizhu has been away all week attending to matters in Sumeru, so Qiqi has been left under my care during the day. She’s a good kid, of course, just a bit tiring having to repeat myself constantly. You'll have to visit the two of us more often when you return, I can't explain how special it feels when she remembers my name.

How is your family? You seemed antsy to see them while you were getting ready to leave, so I hope your visit has been meeting your expectations. Say hello to Teucer for me, by the way, I've missed him since he visited all those months ago.

I've been hanging around the Northland Bank as of late to fill in your presence in a way. I can't exactly comment on the effectiveness, though. On the bright side, Ekaterina and I have been conversing beyond small talk. She really is a sweet woman.

I miss you more and more each day. I've been telling myself that these 2 months will pass quickly, but it doesn't seem to work. The house is quiet, as much as I used to complain, I miss your antics making this place seem brighter. Now and then I find myself wishing I soaked in our last few nights together just a bit more. Nights are difficult, I've grown used to your touch soothing me to sleep. The space in our bed leaves me restless some nights.

I hope your trip is going well, I'll be here to greet you with open arms once you return.

With everlasting love,

[Name]

Childe’s letter -

My dearest [Name],

My visit home has been nothing short of eventful, that is for certain!

Teucer has been well, he has been attached at the hip with me since I returned. He always asks about how you’re doing and when I plan to ask for your hand in marriage. I wish I could say ‘soon’ and have it be true. Seeing my family again only makes my mind wander to what children of my own would be like. You’re not opposed to the idea, no?

Work has been tiring for me as well. The Tsaritsa always seems to have some new task for me to give my attention to. I try to get as much done as I can in a day so I can return home to my angel as soon as possible. Please don’t hold your breath, though. No matter how much I do in one day, I always seem to be just as busy the next. There is so much to do. I hope to bring you here without having my duties as a Harbinger looming over me.

I've found myself connecting every little thing around me to you in some way or another. Even if it is completely ridiculous, the smallest things make me think of you. It is difficult to keep myself from associating aspects of Snezhnaya to my lover when you are my home in my heart. Curse you for making me feel such sappy things.

I'd be lying if I said I did not miss you just as much as you say you do me. Perhaps I miss you just a bit more, but I don't mean to make it a competition. Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, but my heart aches being away from you for this long. My bed feels empty as well. I never used to hug my pillows as a child, but Tonia poked fun at me this morning for doing so in my sleep. You've brought out a new weakness in me, I can never forgive you.

I'll tell you what, join me in looking at the stars every night from now on. Find your favourite, the one that shines brightest in your eyes, I will do the same. Tell that star you love them, and really mean it. Maybe that love will reach me all the way over here.

I greatly look forward to returning home to you as soon as I am able. I'm ashamed to admit that I may begin to slack on my duties if I yearn for you any more.

Forever yours,

Ajax

tags:

#childe #childe x reader #genshin impact #genshin x reader #genshin #ajax x reader #tartaglia #tartaglia x reader #tartaglia genshin impact #childe genshin impact

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adhd-adept · 3 years

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I have self diagnosed adhd and i was wondering if you could provide some advice regarding reading. I used to be able to just pick up a book and read when i was younger, but now that I'm older it's a bit difficult to just pick up a book and read for the sake of reading. I love reading, but i just can't seem to motivate myself to.

Any advice? I'd really love to get back into reading, but I'm trying to find a way to do it easier

Hello! I’m sorry this took me so long to answer, I’ve been mostly off Tumblr for a little while. I saw this some time ago at 3AM and thought “this deserves a more coherent response than I can give right now” and then forgot that this blog existed for several days.

That said, I absolutely have some advice for reading! I was a big reader as a kid, too, and I’ve recently had to re-discover reading after a long gap in any time spent sitting down with an honest-to-goodness book. There are a number of things you might consider!

DISTRACTIONS

First and foremost, recognize the reason it is difficult to read! For me, it is because reading isn’t the most interesting thing available. That doesn’t mean I don’t love reading! If I can manage to sit down and read a book, it is immensely satisfying - but it’s the satisfaction of the effort you put into something paying off. My favorite hobbies - drawing, writing, reading - are my favorite because of that sense of accomplishment that they give me.

I love the feeling of holding a book and watching my bookmark move through the pages each time I set it down. However, it doesn’t give me the same instant gratification of reading wikipedia, or tvtropes, or scrolling Tumblr, or checking notifications on social media; even when I am unsatisfied, or even frustrated, with the internet, it can be very hard to put down. I know that people will tell you all the time “You need to put your phone down more!!” It gets old. But they have a point. What people don’t tell you is how to do that.

For me, that tends to be about making it inconvenient for myself to get online, or do whatever is distracting me. This doesn’t necessarily mean making it completely unavailable. The distraction just needs to be less available than the task I want to do. I am the kind of person who gets online out of muscle memory, and then gets stuck there. Thus, many of my tricks rely on disrupting the muscle memory that lets you pick up distractions. I will put my laptop charger in another room, so that my screen time is limited to its battery life. I might tie a string around my laptop, or tape it closed, so when I go to open it I will be reminded “Oh yeah, I don’t want to do this right now.” I will occasionally rearrange the apps on my phone, so when I try to open Instagram and end up with the weather app instead, the thought of “wait, how did i get here” will snap me out of the thoughtless habits that led me to pick up my phone in the first place. I’ve even gone so far as to tape my phone to the ceiling. Whatever works.

If the weather permits, I might also walk a little ways down the block and find somewhere to sit and read. This can come with its own distractions, but it gets me away from my laptop, and I get a tiny bit more exercise and sunshine than I would have otherwise! This depends, of course, on whether you have transportation and whether you feel safe. But getting yourself out of the house can be a great way to get away from the things that would otherwise draw you away from reading. If you have a local cafe or library that permits you to sit and stay, those are also great options! I will bring my phone when I leave the house, but I might put it at the bottom of my bag, or put a bit of scotch tape over the power button, so that I have my phone in case of emergency but it’s just slightly inconvenient to get to without thinking about it.

It may not be the internet distracting you. But whatever the distraction is, it doesn’t need to be less compelling than reading. It just needs to be less readily available than your book is!

ENTHUSIASM

Another thing that prevents me from reading is that it often doesn’t have the same sense of urgency that other tasks might, whether that urgency is real or not. Give yourself a time limit! I may own books I haven’t read yet, but I will get to a book sooner if I have borrowed it from the library, because I know there is a deadline to return it!

You can also get other people involved. If you have a friend who wants to read the same book, commit to a chapter or two a week and then call to discuss it.

Or, if you have a friend who would be interested, and you are comfortable with your reading voice, you could read to someone! It might feel weird to offer, but you’d be surprised how many people really do enjoy being read to. If you both have time in your schedules, you could try to set up a regular call to get through a few chapters at a time.

Generally, having a friend who likes the book is great for maintaining enthusiasm, even if they’re not reading it with you - I get to books faster if someone with similar taste says “This is one of my favorites! You would love it!” If you have a friend who has read the book you plan on reading, announce to them that you intend on reading it. Their enthusiasm might help you feel more compelled to read it, and there’s a good chance that if you don’t sit down and read it, they will remind you by asking “Have you read it yet? What do you think?” the next time you talk to them.

PREPARATION

Another great way to make reading easier is to set up a reading space beforehand. It’s one thing to pick up a book and say “I’ve been meaning to read this.” It’s another thing to put on some pajama pants, make a cup of tea, and curl a soft blanket around your shoulders before you settle down to read. For one thing, it’s just nice. But more importantly, it can function as a signal that tells your brain “it is Reading Time now. We are in the Reading Zone.”

Do you ever watch a TV show or listen to a podcast, and you let the theme song play on the first episode, and then skip it for the rest? Even if I’ve watched a show before, I will play the theme song on the first episode I watch that day. It’s the same principle - it serves as a transition, an intro that says “this is where I am now, and this is what I’m doing.” Give yourself an intro for reading! Have a certain spot that you like to sit when you read. Have a certain snack you eat beforehand.

I have all kinds of tasks with little “rituals” before them that help me focus on that task, or certain items that I interact with which I associate with it. I call them “declarations of intent,” and once I’ve made a declaration it’s easier to commit to it. Sometimes that means simply saying out loud, “I am going to do the laundry now.” Sometimes it means I wear a certain shirt if I’m planning to go for a walk that day, or drink from a certain mug at breakfast if I want to get some homework done. I have a specific hat that I put on when I want to write a certain character. Try to find something you can do to act as a cue that says “When I do this, then I will read a book.” Because of this, it can help to really lean into whatever the “aesthetic” of reading is, in your mind. Embrace a reading atmosphere!

It may also help to recognize that reading is something you can work your way up to! There is no shame in being out of practice with a hobby. I took my reading proficiency for granted for a long time because it was just a part of my life. It may help to think of reading as a skill! Start with something smaller and work your way up. Pick up a book of short stories or folktales before you tackle that six-book series you’ve heard good things about! Set achievable goals for yourself when you’re setting out. An early success can make a huge difference to morale, and it’s much better to start “too easy” and accomplish something than to jump in at the deep end and be frustrated by an early setback.

FORGIVENESS

On the topic of working your way up to things, I would like to say a word about mindset. It is easy to feel self-critical about things. Things that you think should come more easily to you. Things that you feel like you have no reason not to be able to do. One of the biggest things I’ve done for my ADHD is recognizing that there is always a reason why I behave a certain way. Accepting that allows me to actually address my struggles, rather than just feeling ashamed of them. I’ve had to accept that I won’t always do things that I set out to do the way I set out to do them.

I bring this up because not all of my advice here may work for you. In fact, some of it doesn’t work for me every time - a technique may work once, but I might fail to make a regular habit of it. I may make a regular habit of something, only to have it become less effective as the novelty of it, or my enthusiasm for it, wears off. I may eventually talk myself out of implementing an effective strategy because there is some part of it that I find unpleasant; or an intentional unpleasantness I once found motivating may eventually become intolerable.

That’s okay. I’m telling you now, it’s okay if that happens. It’s okay if the first method you try doesn’t work. Don’t set yourself up to feel frustrated. If you become frustrated, take a step back. If you borrow a library book and you still haven’t read it by the due date, just give it back. If you don’t actually enjoy the first book you pick up, put it down and try a different one. If you feel badly about not reading something your friend wants you to read, be honest and tell them you have a hard time sitting down, and that you don’t want to disappoint them if they keep asking, but that you will let them know once you have started it!

It can be easy to convince myself that feeling badly about something means it’s important to me, and that maybe if I feel bad about not doing something, it motivate me to do it. There is a balance between making commitments, and not committing to anything that is just going to distress me. Sometimes there is a benefit to a sense of pressure, but I have to recognize when the pressure I create turns into frustration. That’s a fine line to walk! For all I speak of inconveniencing yourself, or holding yourself accountable, your strategies should ultimately feel satisfying, and show results fairly quickly! You may not see immediate results, but if it has been several days and your strategy isn’t working out, change tactics! And the moment you feel apologetic or ashamed about the thing you are trying to do, drop that strategy. Again, this can be easier said than done, but it is so worthwhile to learn how to allow yourself to “give up” on things that aren’t actually helping you, without feeling like you’re giving up entirely.

You want to get back into reading again because you want to enjoy reading again. If you set it up to feel like homework, or a chore, or an obligation, you may make it more difficult for yourself! Getting back into reading is about focusing on what you love about reading.

And hey, I’m always happy to help! I do only check Tumblr every couple weeks right now, but I’ll do what I can to be supportive. If you’ve tried these suggestions and they don’t work out, no worries! Everyone is different, and it’s no insult to me if things that work for me don’t work for you. But feel free to reach out again, let me know anything you have learned about how you function best in the meantime, and we can reevaluate your strategies!

I hope that helps! Happy reading!

#thanks for asking!!#nezjazz #let me know how this works out #a lot of the advice i have for reading is advice i have for Doing Tasks With ADHD in general to be honest #i use the same tricks i use to get myself to read sometimes to get myself to do things like wash dishes #it's about making yourself more interested in what you want yourself to do #and making it easier to do the important things relative to the ease of doing the less important things #i will just straight up delete apps off my phone if i spend too much time on them #most of the time i dont miss them #and tumblr i can access from my laptop it's just slightly more steps to actually log in and type in my password #(i ONLY use tumblr on incognito mode so it doesnt save my login and i have to actually enter my password every time)#(that way i know that if i actually take the steps to log on it's because i WANT to)#(because something about doing that is worth it to me)#(i did that today to come and answer this question lol)#(but that's also why it's taken me so long.)#(do let me know if you have any other questions! i'll be back eventually to help as best i can!)#(and i love feedback)#(if you discover something that works better for yourself let me know that too so i can share with everyone!)

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tibby · 2 years

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do you have advice on how to make friends when you’re autistic? I’m also agoraphobic so I guess that makes it worse but I feel very lonely and don’t know what to do

hi lovely! i'm so sorry to hear about all of this, i can't imagine how tough things must be for you - my autism has caused me enough friendship struggles in my life, and being agoraphobic on top of that must result in a bunch of extra stressors you don't need. i've done my best to compile my messy thoughts into some(?) kind of advice, but this is just personal experience and nothing official. don't let me be the final world on this stuff:

talk about what you love, and seek out people based on that love as a starting point. most of my close friends are people i formed relationships with because they liked my special interest at a certain point in time, even if they weren't into it the same way i was. people like to talk about the things they're into, and if they're the kind of people who are worth befriending, then they won't be an ass about it if you ever come across as too intense or emotional or whatever. anyone who doesn't treat you with that respect isn't worth your time. and even when interests come and go, if you've formed a solid connection outside of it over time, that won't matter anymore.

unfortunately, on that note, there is some...trial and error that comes with the process. not everyone is going to be kind or understanding or welcoming. and it sucks, because it really can hurt you and discourage you, but you have to keep putting yourself out there until you find people who will be kind and understanding and welcoming. i do wish i could say more than just "keep trying," but honestly, that is just what i've done. and the shitty people i have encountered along the way mean very little to me, because the wonderful people are the ones i've kept around.

i bemoan social media a lot, but i really do think it's helped connect people with similar interests find each other, or helped those who have difficulty forming relationships irl. again, it's a process of trial and error, but i promise you there's plenty of people out there who have good intentions and like the same stuff you do. go into tumblr tags, join forums (do they still exist???), reach out to people you wanna befriend. ik how intimidating it all can be generally when it seems like everyone has established friend groups, and being autistic makes witnessing all of that a lot harder, but i assure you there's people out there who want that companionship just as much.

also, i will say (and understandably this may be difficult with you due to your agoraphobia, but thankfully the internet once again provides an outlet) that...not being ashamed of who you are or what your special interests are go a long way. people have always found me weird and off-putting because of my autism and how it manifests itself, and i had to learn not to be ashamed of it to really open myself up to others. it's very difficult but very rewarding.

and i suppose my final piece of advice is to focus on people you feel comfortable having the hard conversations with. like...the best friendships i have are the ones where i've been able to openly say "hey, my autism means that i do this sometimes, or that stresses me out, or i get really intense about xyz." it establishes that trust and also helps everyone involved figure out what works best for everyone. good, longlasting friendships require work and understanding, and people can't give you that if they don't know what you need!

i hope some of this helps you in some way, and my inbox is always open if you're feeling lonely or just want to rant about something or whatever. ik i'm not online as much as i used to be, but i do try and respond to as many asks as possible when i am here! sending you lots of love and wishing you all the best <3

#ask #anonymous

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