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#IVE BEEN PRAYING AND BEGGING AND WAITING FOR IT

thesherrinfordfacility · 9 months

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it was about the coffee

edit 24/11: rip miracle blocker theory, my love

but possibly not the way we thought it was. this is going to sound so convoluted but bear with me here (and big thanks to the anon that precipitated this theory, and major apologies that writing this theory is only going to delay my answer to your ask even further💕)

a major plot-point for me in s2 was this bad boy:

which i think we can safely say is a very op power for demons to possess for it not to come up again later on in the show? it's almost like a parallel to the book of life on that front - which is mentioned in the bookshop in ep6, but we've all agreed is pretty much going to be a major chekhov's gun in s3, right? well, what about the miracle blocker?

why wouldn't shax think of getting one either from furfur or from beelzebub when storming the bookshop? well, could be that shax didn't think of it. true - but i do wonder if something iffy was in fact going on in ep5/ep6 showdown, right up into the Final Fifteen.

let's start here: aziraphale has got some reality-bending bullshit going on, which i think is possibly just naturally emanating from aziraphale himself (im not wholly convinced it's entirely in-character for him to purposefully fuck with people's heads and autonomy) and perhaps the dancing/outfits/emotions etc is just the image he wanted for the dance, and his magic (?) essentially made it happen, so much so that he was potentially taken in by it too... hence why he was so readily resistant to crowley's pleas to listen to him about the danger? idk, getting sidetracked.

but anyway, then the demons come, and we see the below where... randomly, aziraphale's miracles/magic doesn't work. and there's no given reason for it:

soon after this, aziraphale opens the portal; one thing on reflection? that portal opens damn fucking fast. sure, the peril is high, certainly higher than s1 when he had to pray and practically beg to speak to someone... but if the portal is more or less for metatron's direct use, and the metatron is so damn busy, being the voice of god... why would he be sat there waiting for a call?

s1, the time between aziraphale starting to pray/dial 9-1-heaven, and the portal opening (excluding where he shouts to shadwell that the shop is closed) is just over 31 seconds. s2, from "hello, is there anybody there" to portal opening is just over 5. a very short cut-down for a retired, traitorous angel, regardless of whether they're under attack (which, tbh, would be in heaven's interests, right? for aziraphale to get Got?). the explanation for that can only be, in my book, that metatron has been watching... and possibly has been since the first time the portal opened.

anyway, we then move on to metatron arriving at the bookshop, and offering aziraphale the coffee. others have reported a miracle chime, and tbh i too can hear at least a faint, high strong, that sounds out of place in the ambient sound of the scene. video below, where ive marked out where i can hear it:

we know that aziraphale doesn't drink coffee. tea, hot chocolate, wine... but he's never, as far as we've seen, canonically drunk coffee. he must have tried it at some point, crowley likes it/drinks it, so why wouldn't aziraphale have tried it at some point? well, i think he probably has, and didn't like it. i think he tried to change it, in front of the metatron, so he could take a sip and not be offensive. but... it doesn't work. aziraphale's reaction is awkward. and metatron's reaction is smug. i think metatron has a miracle blocker.

aziraphale is not stupid. i think he knows possibly from that moment, or very soon after, that metatron has been up to something. i think he knows that metatron might have eyes and ears everywhere. i think aziraphale has worked out that metatron is not in fact A Nice Old Man, and knows it right through until he gets in the lift (which im going to talk about more in the aforementioned anon ask). i don't think aziraphale has been overtly threatened, because the metatron has worked so hard in this scene to be non-threatening. but he has underestimated how smart aziraphale actually is.

making the offer to reform heaven appeals to aziraphale, there is no doubt on that. and aziraphale is desperate for crowley to be with him - not only on the layer of wanting to be together, or another layer of crowley deserving to have heaven make amends to him, or even the layer wanting to protect crowley under his status as supreme archangel... but because if aziraphale walks away, without crowley, crowley has nowhere safe to go. the bookshop has been compromised, and it is no longer safe. metatron with his almond syrup has Eyes and Ears everywhere. when crowley refuses, aziraphale has to get to heaven, and to metatron, before they get to him.

i do completely believe that aziraphale wants to help heaven, and possibly seek any way in which he can return it to what he thinks or believes was god's original purpose for it - to return or make it into the place that was always meant to stand for good and justice and love. but i also believe that now, more than ever, aziraphale teeters on the edge of giving heaven a chance - or being burnt to ashes, literally or figuratively. idk about you, but i have a gut feeling on what option he, in this moment, would be inclined to take.

#good omens #metatron spec #s3 narrative spec #sanctuary/bentley theory #feral domestic/final fifteen meta #s2 meta

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dirtybitfic · 3 months

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Therapy pt.3

Matt sturniolo x y/n / fem reader

Smutt, kinks, dom matt, punishments, a lot of crazy shit to do with the kinks discussed in the two therapy sessions. Lots of dirty shit honestly too much to put in the warning so … 🫦

Matts pov-

Im so worked up right now. After her saying she likes a challenge I just could not handle it anymore. I know its not appropriate to have sex with a client but fuck me with y/n I just cant control myself.

Since the first session she's been running through my mind. She is absolutely beautiful for one and the kinks she has are music to my ears whenever she reads them off. Ive had multiple dreams about the nasty depraved things I want to do to her and after tonight I don't know if we’ll be able to go back to just a therapist client relationship.

I see the way she looks at me when she thinks im not paying attention and fuck the way she bites her lip nervously after reading her kinks is so hot to me. She is such a dirty girl but hides it all under this sweet innocent persona and it drives me wild. I want to see her brake for me ... hear her begging me to let her cum and watching her unravel over and over until she's crying and begging for me to stop.

Tonight I will finally get what ive always wanted and the best part is I know she’ll let me . I don't think she caught it but when she described her type in our first session she pretty much described me perfectly. The tattoos , dark hair , blue eyes, a dark mysterious persona and not too mention her size kink.

Y/n is not super short but compared to me she looks so small and it drives me wild anytime she looks up at me when I stand in front of her . She constantly has bedroom eyes and thats one feature I love on her gorgeous little face . Im 6'4 and she's probably around 5'7 so as you can imagine the height difference is a good amount . (Ik this man’s is a cool 5’8 but we gonna act like he ain’t alright)

As she sits next to me in the car I cant help but watch her as her thighs squeeze tightly together and her breathing is slightly fast. I wonder what her gorgeous little mind is thinking knowing im taking her back home with me. I know she was tipsy when she said those words to me but drunk words are sober thoughts and im so glad she finally made it clear she is also attracted to me .

These 15 minutes need to go bye quick ... because once I get her inside this damn house she in for a very long night.

Your pov-

Your going crazy in his passenger seat your mind is running wild with possibility’s of what is going to happen.

The thought of him above me with his hand around my neck as he fucks into you so hard your crying is on a non stop loop in your mind you’ve been clenching your thighs for so long they are cramping . You’ve tried to think about anything else but every time you try every thought turns into him again. He's consuming your mind and you cant wait for him to consume every other part of you.

The fact he is in a high class b.d.s.m club also tells you a lot . All the men there are dominants of high power and class . Your mind wanders back to the two men Matt had introduced you to and honestly you feel bad that they will probably never hear from you but now that you know you can have Matt you don't even want to look at them again.

You were sonly entertaining them just incase u had to settle for the next best choice but you know Matt is going to ruin you tonight and after this there is no going back and you pray this car ride is almost over.

How much longer do we have

About 10 more minutes ... why

I just really have to pee this isn't a lie I do have to pee but we all know the real reason I wanted to know

don't worry were almost there

he sets his hand on your thigh causing your breathe to hitch , even the smallest touch from his hand has your pussy clenching and pulsing. he rubs small circles with his thumb causing you to let out a soft sigh but it came out more like a moan.

you don't try to cover it up you just keep looking out the window as the trees pass by and you finally pull up to a large black gate.

It opens when he presses a button and he slowly makes his way up the very long windy road leading up to what you can only guess is the house.

There are lights lining the road every few feet and there are old looking willow trees scattered along the sides . It's beautiful yet creepy at the same time.

The car come to a stop and you look through the front windshield at a beautiful modern gothic mansion

Wow Matt your house is just ... wow

Thank you me and my brothers have a love for gothic style architecture

god you drive my dream car and live in my dream house could you be more perfect

he laughs softly Well if you like the outside you’ll love the inside come on

you smile at him as you rush out of the car excited to see the interior of his gorgeous home

he gets out locking the car and taking your hand in his as he leads you to the front door and unlocks it letting you enter first .

you walk into the most breathe taking foyer.

Holy fuck you look around already involve with the house and this is only the entrance

im guessing you like it

LOVE it

he smiles and chuckles

wait till you see the victorian greenhouse in the back he says smiling at you leading you into the living room

God this house keeps getting better and better you say as you take in the dark interior of the living room.

I think your gonna love the kitchen come on he says leading you down a dark emerald green hallways into a large kitchen.

You're right I do love it . You guys love dark colors huh

yeah I guess so he says looking around actually realizing most of the house is black with dark accent colors.

I like it a lot even though its dark it doesn't feel depressing

yeah I agree . Okay time for the greenhouse

Oh . my .god this is beautiful . I have an entire Pinterest board for my dream house and i've always loved the idea of having a interior greenhouse but this is just beautiful you start walking around looking at all the flowers and plants they have growing around .

Yeah My brother nick loves this part of the house he actually does most of the planting and stuff

he has great taste in flowers night rider lilys are my favorite flower

He would talk your ear off for hours about all these flowers if he could

I would probably love that actually I mean this is just beautiful . Your lucky to have this in your house I hope you know that

oh I do trust me but lets go upstairs I wanna show you my favorite room

okay you say taking his hand as he leads you down another dark hallways leading to a spiral staircase .

As you reach the last step it enters into a large library

wow this is by far my favorite room

I knew you'd like it go up those stairs and look on the middle 3 shelves I think you'll like that section he says smirking

you take the staircase up and go to the shelves he told you too . You look at the books noticing they are all dark romance books . They are all hard covers and you trace them with your fingers landing on one in particular . Haunting Adeline by H.D Carlton your favorite book you've read by far.

Matt steps behind you placing his hands on your hips .

You read haunting Adeline?

multiple times . I love this book

is that what started your stalker fantasies

It didn't start it but it definitely made it 10 times worse

what did start them he asks as you traced over other books that you've read

Honestly from a young age I always had thought in my brain that someone was or could be watching me through my window . My childhood home had woods behind and around the right side so I was always paranoid someone was out there but I guess... as I grew up the idea became appealing instead of scary.

mmm you like the cat and mouse game don't you... he moves closer to you as his lips brush your earlobe you like feeling like prey being hunted by a large ... scary ... predator hmmm . Don't you ?

you moan at the feel of his hands on you and the dirty words he said too you

I asked you a question he says as one of his hands travels up to your neck gripping it and spinning you around .

Now answer it... he says in a deep husky voice

y-yes I like it

mm such a depraved little slut aren't you

you moan not knowing what to say

never being satisfied ... having to come to me he says as he steps closer making your back hit the wall of books and you have to arch your neck that his hand is still around to look up at him towering over you.(again were pretending that this man isn't 5'8 alright) Telling me all the dirty ... depraved things you crave

you moan.

im gonna give you everything you want ... and your gonna thank me over and over

Jesus Christ you moan as you feel the wetness pooling in your underwear and slightly dripping down your thigh. You've never been so aroused in your life and all you want to do is beg him to touch you

his hand that was on your hip travels under your dress and up your thigh as his long fingers reach the inner of your thigh he groans

Such a little slut . Your so turned on its running down your thigh and I haven't even touched you yet

you whine as his hand slowly inches closer to where you need hm most

your gonna have to wait... the house tour isn't over yet

oh fuck you you sigh out. You're so turned on its driving you crazy .

excuse me he says gripping your throat even tighter and grabbing your face with his other making you look at him. You whine as you feel your teeth pressing into your cheeks from his tight hold.

you might want to watch your tone with me he says staring intently in your eyes.

yes sir you bite back your words laced with attitude

he lets go of your face and yanks you by your hand after him.

You make your way into a long hallway with a couple doors on each side

He opens the first one and its a fairly large bathroom

nice bathroom okay next room

someone is eager huh he says as he leads you to the next door

this is my brother chris's room

oh nice

then he walks to the next door farther down the hall on the left

and this is my brother nicks room

do you all live on the same floor ?

no my room is on the basement level

oh ... why?

you'll see he says as he leads you to the last room.

this is chris's at home studio he says as you let go of his hand and walk around looking at all the equipment.

does he make music ?

Sometimes yeah but he's more into producing backtracks and beats and stuff

that so cool

yeah the man loves his music . Come on I wanna show you the backyard

he leads you out of the room and down another flight of stairs leading out to the backyard.

This is one of my favorite parts of the house

wow the pool is amazing

yeah its great. and its heated so you can use it all year round

damn thats nice

yeah its pretty great but come on I saved the best rooms for last

he leads you back inside the house and leads you down a dark flight of stairs to the basement level .

The stairs lead into another living room

wow its dark down here

yeah I like it dark it feels ... cozy to me

mmm you hum as you look at the dark blue couch and the nice fire place behind it.

he leads you down another long hallway to the room at the end.

This is my room he says before opening the door

mmm its dark but cozy I like it

and that is my closet over there and this is my bathroom

mm its like your own apartment down here

yeah I love my brothers a lot but I like to have my own space

I get that , do you mind if I use the bathroom real quick

not at all go ahead he says as you swiftly make your way into the bathroom closing the door behind you. You had been holding in your pee for the entire house tour.

you make your way to the toilet and finally relieve yourself with a sigh. As you sit you look around the large bathroom noticing the nice ass shower. Your mind wanders to things you'd love to do with him in that shower.

You finish up and wash your hands and make your way back out into the room .

Matt is in the middle of taking off dress shirt and you cant help but watch the way his back muscles tense as he pulls in off and sets it in a laundry hamper.

he pulls on a black sweatshirt he must have changed into his sweatpants while you were in the bathroom .

He turns around noticing you .

Feel better

yes much better. I held it in for a while

he chuckles and then walks closer to you as he bends down and lifts one of your feet you balance yourself by placing a hand on his shoulder. He takes of your heel and then the other.

You sigh feeling so much more comfortable .

Go into my closet and grab a sweatshirt I know you probably want to get out of that dress

as you make your way to the closet he slaps your ass causing you to gasp.

you smile as you make your way into the large walk in closet and finding a line of sweatshirt hung on the top rack .

you grab a grey sweatshirt and start undoing your dress as it slips off . You weren't wearing a bra under the dress so all you have under his large sweatshirt is your lace thong that is soaked with your arousal from earlier.

you walk back out and he smiles at you .

You look good in my sweatshirt

yeah its comfy too to say as you hold your arms out looking down .

its fits big on you since he's significantly taller than you.

I have a feeling I won't be getting it back anytime soon

yeahhh don't hold your breathe you say smiling back at him.

ready for the last room

mhm you smile knowing you're finally going to be getting what you want after this last room.

he leads you out of his room and down a small hall leading to a large door at the end .

I think you'll like this one he says with a smirk on his face.

he opens the door and turns on the light . Your mouth drops as you see what the room is.

A fucking sex dungeon

you walk around the room looking at all the whips and ropes that line the left wall. The right wall is adorned with blindfolds and other kind of restraints .

you still think you can handle me he says in your ear as he swiftly walks around you with his hand on your waist

you make eye contact nodding your head hoping hell finally touch you.

take the sweatshirt off he says sternly.

you slowly lift it over your head as your nipple immediately harden since this part of the house is cooler than the rest.

he groans at the sight of your bare body in front of him.

he slowly traces a hand down your face then neck and then he reaches your tits as he pulls on your nipples causing you to moan from the pain and pleasure.

he pulls on them harder making you gasp for air .

his hands move to your waist as he effortlessly picks you up and holds under your thighs to keep you up as you wrap your legs around his waist.

he brings his mouth to your neck biting and sucking leaving marks as you moan from the feeling.

you sound so beautiful he goes back into your neck leaving more marks.

your legs tighten around his waist as he bites down harshly on your shoulder

fuck you gasp as he lets go and kisses it softly

he sets you down and spins you around walking you over to the couch and bending you over the arm rest .

he bends down so his mouth is at your ear

I think you need to learn some manners hmm

you know that he's probably referring to the library when you coped an attitude with him .

all you do is shake your head yes

use your words y/n . he says in a harsh tone that has you pulsing around nothing.

yes you say sounding out of breathe .

yes what ...

yes sir

good girl

you hear him walk away but stay where he put you .

you hear him step back behind you and feel something cold run along your left ass cheek . You lay there waiting for what he's going to do .

Something slaps down on your cheek causing you to gasp . It didn't hurt but it definitely would leave a mark if he smacks harder.

you know what this is ? he asks seeing if you'll guess correctly

ummm I don't know

he smacks down the object again with more force causing your hips to buck harshly into the arm rest.

take a guess and maybe ill go easy on you

fuck umm I... a crop wip

he smacks down on your other cheek

such a smart girl

you moan at his praise as he smacks down again.

he tosses it on the couch and grabs you to stand up by your hair causing you to whine.

You have no idea what I want to do to you right now

you let out a quiet moan .

Please . Do anything you want .use me

yeah you want me to treat you like the dirty little slut you are his tone making it evident he's smirking.

yes... fuck please

he lets go of your hair and walks over to the wall of blindfolds picking up a blue satin one and walking back over to you .

turn around he says as he stands in front of you .

You do as he says and he ties it around your eyes and nots it at the back securing it tightly .

you run your hands over the silky cool material smiling .

he guides you by your waist until he pushes you down to sit on the edge of the couch your back arching into the back of the couch.

his hands move up and down your sides until he reaches your panty lines and pulls them down your legs slowly .

spread your legs for me show me how much of a mess i've made you

you spread your legs and he groans

such a pretty little pussy he says before placing soft wet kisses on your inner thighs causing you to squirm in anticipation.

his breathe hits your sensitive clit and your hips buck . You want him to finally touch you so badly you just cant help yourself .

he places a soft kiss on your clit causing you to moan .

fuck... please

tell me what you want

please I need your mouth so bad

mmm he groans before diving into your pussy as he licks and sucks .Fuck he's good at this . Your breathing is erratic as you squirm under him .

oh- my god fuck

yeah ... am I making you feel good he says before going back to sucking your clit

yes fuck so good you moan out . He starts flicking his tongue in the perfect spot that has your legs trembling.

Oh FUCK oh my god right there

he smirks against your pussy as he inserts a finger inside your gushing entrance eliciting a loud moan from you.

Oh my god fuck im so close

Cum for me sweetheart cover my mouth with it

his words immediately send you tumbling over the edge as your legs tremble and you're gasping for air .

such a good girl for me he says as you come down from your high and he pulls his finger out of you .

your catching your breathe as he licks his fingers clean.

such a sweet little pussy he groans .

get up he says in a raspy tone you immediately obey standing up and waiting for more instruction.

he walks over to the wall of restraints and ropes he picks a set and walks back over to you .He pulls off the blindfold and throws it down.

you blink adjusting to the lights then looking down at what's in his hand.

you smile and he notices.

come on he says making you walk in front of him .

he watches the way your ass moves when you walk making him even more painfully hard than he already is.

you make it back in his room and he shuts the door harshly then grabs you buy the back of the neck.

hands behind your back

you hold them behind your back and he puts the wrist restrains on securing them enough they won't slip off but not tight enough to hurt.

walk to the end of the bed

You walk slowly to the end of the bed as he trails closely behind.One you reach the end he moves your hair and tells you to hold it . He then secures the neck piece of the restraints. It holds your head at and angle that is slightly uncomfortable but you enjoy it.

He pulls his sweatshirt off and he spins you around to face him.

You look so beautiful all restrained for me

you smile up at him as your eyes trail his upper body the best they can with the restraints .

he pushes your shoulders down as he makes you sit on the edge of the bed.

he slowly unties the string of his sweatpants and slides them down and kicks them off.

Your gonna be a good girl and let me fuck that pretty little mouth

you moan in agreement.

his bulge is right in front of your face causing you to gulp. He is definitely not small and that makes you slightly nervous.

He starts pulling down his boxers causing his rock hard dick to pop out and slap you on the face. You jump not expecting it which makes him chuckle.

Open .

you open your mouth and he shoves his middle and ring finger into your mouth you gag slightly as they hit the back of your mouth and your eyes water.

mmm were gonna need to work on that he says as you gag on his finger the farther he pushes back.

He pulls them out and strokes his long thick length a couple times before looking down at you smirking.

he taps his dick on your lips telling you to open your mouth .

The second you open your mouth he slides into it and slowly thrusts in and out . His girth has the corners of your mouth stretching and your jaw hurts from how wide you have to keep your mouth open .

he grabs the back of your head and starts thrusting hard and fast. You're gagging and coughing around him causing him to groan .

Fuck look at you drooling and gagging . Such a fucking mess for me

you moan around him as tears roll down your face and spit is dripping out of the sides of your mouth and down your chin and neck. His thrust get harder his tip bruising your throat with each thrust. You're crying as your eyes get foggy from your mascara bleeding into them. You're gagging loudly as he goes deeper down your throat.

You try moving your hand to his thighs only to remember they are secured behind your back. So you try the next best thing and start trying to inch further up the bed and away from him which only seems to make him thrust more aggressively.

nahuh don't try and get away ... you said you'd be a good girl for me he grunts out horsly as his breathing is loud and curses pour out of his mouth signaling he's close.

I'm gonna fill this pretty little mouth and your gonna swallow all of it you understand he groans out as you nod your head the best you can .

he harshly thrusts a couple more times before burying himself as deep as he can go and fills your throat and mouth with his cum. He pulls out and slaps his hand over your mouth.

You better fucking swallow it. he says in a harsh tone that has your pussy gushing.

you swallow down the thick liquid furrowing your brows from the weird texture. He takes his hand off your mouth .

good girl listening so well he says before gently stroking your lips with his thumb. You hum at the soft touch and lean into it.

stand up you immediately stand up and look up at him with teary bedroom eyes.

he spins you around and bends you over the side of the bed .

He runs his hand down your back and grabs onto the chain connected to the back of the collar pulling your head back so you're looking at him. You whimper at the way the collar part tightens with the angle.

You want me to fuck you dumb he asks with a cocky smile on his face.

you nod and he slaps you on the ass with his free hand.

Use your fucking words when I ask you a question

y-yes I want you to fuck me

tell me how bad you want it ... beg for it he says making the chain a bit tighter in his hand.

p-please I want it so bad please your voice coming out broken and raspy.

mmm beg louder i wanna hear the desperation int that pretty little voice of yours

please Please fuck me I want it so bad PLEAse

mmm you sound so pretty when you beg he says as he lets go of the chain and your head falls onto the mattress .

his hand runs further down your ass to your throbbing core.

he slides a finger in causing you to whimper .

Fuck you're so wet. You like having my dick down your throat don't you

you moan in agreement causing him to slap your ass hard.

don't you he says deeply .

y-yes I love it

such a little slut he says as he adds another finger and starts moving them in and out at a pace that has your toes curling.

f-fuck oh my-

yeah you like my fingers

y-yes sir f-fuck I love them

he groans at you calling him sir and he speeds up his fingers curling them to hit the perfect spot that has your legs starting to tremble and your orgasm building at a fast pace.

oh- fuck I-im gonna cum

not until you beg for it

f-fuck oh god

don't even think about cumming without my permission he says slapping your ass as you loudly moan into the mattress.

F-fuck please can I cum fuck please please

hold it

b-but your breathing so hard as you try on focus on not cumming.

I know you can do it

fuck I- cant please let me cum fuck please

no your gonna hold it until I say you can cum

you whine in protest as your eyes swell with tears and your legs are shaking as your hands ball into fists

f-fuck I c-cant you cry out as it starts to get painful holding it back

yes you fucking can his pace gets faster and you break not being able to hold it anymore.

did you just fucking cum after I told you not too

you orgasm so hard around his fingers you don't even care he's angry you couldn't follow directions.

I t-told you I could hold it

he pulls you up by the chain causing you to gasp and cry out from the force.

he sits down and throws you over his knees.

you are going to learn to follow directions

you whine knowing he's about to make you regret that last orgasm.

his hand comes down on your ass causing you to whine

your gonna take as many spankings as I see fit and your gonna thank me for every single one

his hand comes down harshly causing your ass to sting

f-fuck thank you sir

his hand comes down on the same spot at least 15 times before you're crying and begging him to stop .

m-matt please it hurts you cry out as his hand comes down again.

im sorry who his hands come down at a fast pace hitting your stinging red cheek at least 5 times.

OW F-fuck sir please I- cant t-take anymore please im sorry I won't do it again

he rubs his hand softly over your red and raised ass cheek admiring his large hand print that is now imprinted in the skin and tracing the blood vessels that burst around the print smiling to himself.

you think you learned your lesson he asks in a softer voice.

yes sir I promise I will listen from now on you sigh out . Your ass cheek is stinging so much and your breathing is erratic from crying.

he helps you stand up before he pushes you back over the edge of the bed again . His strokes. his rock hard dick a couple times before he runs the tip through your wet folds .

he slowly pushes in causing you to hiss from the stretch he's so big that you know no matter how slow he enters you it'll hurt.

ahh shit you whine out as he pushes a little deeper.

I know sweetheart you're doing so good for me he says running his hand down the small of your back trying to sooth you.

mmm you whine as he still pushes in .

You're doing so good . Only half more to go

Thats only half you loudly cry out . You already feel so full and you don't know how you're gonna handle all of it .

he chuckles at your reaction ad he pushes deeper and deeper .

fuck you're so fucking tight .

You whine and squirm as the stinging gets worse when his thickest part enters you .

Jesus c-christ your so big you cry out as you try and calm your breathing.

I know baby but you're almost there he groans as he pushed in until he is balls deep .

you cry out as he fills you up fully with his entire length staying still letting you adjust. You knew he was big but you dint expect him to stretch you this much but you also haven't had sex in a while so its not that shocking . You've also never taken a dick this big , he's a good 9 inches and girthy as fuck.

fuck okay you can move but please go slow

he starts to slowly thrust in and out as you continue to adjust .

mmm you whine as the pain fades into pleasure

feel good he says as as he speeds up the pace ever so slightly.

y-yes sir

he groans as you pulse around him .

can you handle it if I go faster he grunts out. The slow pace is not something he enjoys. He likes to be rough and hard but he doesn't want to hurt you.

yes fuck please go faster the second these words leave your moth he starts thrusting faster . Your gasping and moaning as he hits your g- spot over and over.

h-harder fuck please sir fuck me harder

god you're such a little slut he grunts as he starts going harder and your eyes rolls to the back of your head as you feel your orgasm building.

FUCK O-OH MY GOD Y-YOU'RE SO DEEP

Yeah you liked being fuck like a dirty whore

ye-yes I love it FUCK

I can feel you pulsing around me sweetheart . You gonna cum all over my cock like the good little whore you are

Y-YES SIR. FUCK CAN I CUM P-PLEASE

yeah cum all over my cock

FUCK you scream as you cum all over him and your legs tense and shake under him .

You come down from your high as he still pounds into you as your entire body trembles under him.

MMm f-fuck you pant out as he continues pounding into you relentlessly.

so fucking wet for me he groans out as he takes a hold of the chain and yanks your head back to look up at him. Your breathing becomes scattered as the collar cuts off your air way.

You feel how deep I am hmm

you furrow your brows in pleasure but maintain eye contact and nod your head as moans slip out of your mouth.

he lets go of the chain as your head drops down and you regain a normal breathing pattern. He grabs the small chain that connects the cuffs together and starts pounding into you deeper causing you to scream out.

AHH FUCK S-SO DEEP I C-CANT

mmm you can .he grabs you by your hair and lowers himself over you so he's right by your ear , and you fucking will

he lifts off of you continuing to thrust so hard and deep your legs lift off the ground and kick the back of his thighs.

MM j-jesus christ m-matt His movements stop and pulls yanking you up by your hair causing you to cry out from the burn .

he unhooks your hands and spins you around to face him as he rebooks them in front of you.

Lay down for me he says and you climb back onto the bed laying down.He climbs back onto the bed and settles in-between your legs as he pushes them apart as far as they go and he pushes back into you .

Fuck oh m-my god you whine as he thrusts roughly into you and your eye close as the pleasure runs through you.

he slaps you causing you to wince.

look at me while I fuck you dumb

your eyes open as you moan and shake under him..

oh f-fuck im g-gonna you cry out before juices spray out of you all over his dick.

Thats it squirt all over me .Fuck your doing so good for me

you whine as your legs start to shake and you start to feel overstimulated from all the other orgasm you've had.

F-fuck I c-cant take -I-it

he grips your face tightly as he brings his face closer to yours.

well your gonna have to. Im not nearly close to being done with you he says before he lifts your legs over his shoulders and starts thrusting rougher and deeper causing a bulge to show in your stomach.

FUCK d-daddy I he cuts you off by pushing down on your stomach feeling himself in you.

call me daddy again and you'll regret it he groans out.

y-yes sir im s-sorry

He pushes down harder on the bulge in your stomach causing you to scream out as you squirt again.

Fuck keep fucking doing that your so fucking hot

mmmm f-fuck you whine as tears start streaming down your face

your entire body is shaking from the overstimulation you're feeling.

FUCK I CANT PLEASE I ... you squirt again . He has to pull out from how much is coming out.

He pushes two fingers into you causing you to scream . He curls them and moves them so fast your entire body is rocking . He hits your spot over and over until your squirting again all over his fingers and the bed.

J-jesus christ its t-too much you cry out as you they to move his hand away but failing since they are connected to the chain that isn't long enough for you to reach him.

I guess ill just have to force you take it then huh he says before replacing his fingers with his dick and fucking you so rough your seeing stars and all you can do is moan and cry .

the tears are streaming down your face as shake under him.

who's pussy is this he asks as he thrusts into you at a new angle that takes your breathe away. You want to answer him but no words are coming out of your mouth.

He slaps you across the face two times before he grips it and makes you look at him.

Whos fucking pussy is this y/n

Y-YOURS ITS YOURS FUCK you scream out as you cum all over him

that's it such a good girl he groans as you shake under him .

His thrusts don't let up if anything he starts going harder.

You're crying as whining under him unable to get words or moans out all you can do I breathe hard.

Look at you . Fucking you dumb hmm he says with a cocky smirk .

mmmmm you whine and kind of cry out as you lift your hips from the bed trying to get away from him but he grabs your hips hitting you at a different angle that has you choking on air.

so pathetic trying to run away from me he says as he grips your hips so tight there will be bruises Tommorrow.

F-f-fuck you you cry out . You're so overstimulate it hurts .

he slaps you across the face then shoves his fingers into your mouth causing you to gag and couch as he presses down your tongue.

watch your fucking mouth he says as he pulls his fingers out of your mouth and starts rubbing circles on your clit as he continues pounding into you.

MMM N-NO I CANT I-C-CANT you scream out as you feel another painful orgasm building.

oh but you will he says as he feels you pulsing around him signaling your close.

F-FUCK MMMM you scream in a horse shaky voice as your orgasm all over him so hard your entire body shakes and lifts off the bed as he continues rubbing your clit until you come down from your high as your brain goes fuzzy and your vision blurs.

your body is exhausted and your non stop shaking as he continues thrusting into you.

Fuck you gonna let me fill this pussy with my cum hmm

y-yes p-please you whine knowing that he's close brings a smile to your face you don't know how much more you can take.

yeah such a little cum slut aren't you

mmm y-yes sir you moan as his thrust get sloppy .

f-fuck he groans as he fills you up .

you lay there trying to catch your breathe as he pulls out and pulls you up unlatching the collar and handcuffs . you let out a sigh and stretch your arms since they are locked up from the position they were forced into for so long.

You okay he asks smiling softly at you .

you look at him softly smiling before climbing into his lap and holding onto him .

mmhm just... tired you say smiling against his chest. He rubs your back softly as he holds you tight.

lets go get cleaned up hmm he coos in your ear.

mmhm you sigh into his chest but don't have the energy to move.

he stands up holding you as walks to the bathroom and sets you down on the toilet letting you pee as he starts the shower .

once you finish your business he picks you up and walks you both into the shower and under the water.

you sigh as the water runs over your exhausted body . He slowly sets you down but still holds you tight knowing your legs are not very stable right now. He grabs some body wash and doors it all over your body before rubbing it in and letting in rinse away . You wash his torso and then rubs it all over his back then he rinses it off.

You smile to yourself feeling so taken care of at the moment and it makes you happy .

what you smiling about he jokes as he smiles down at you.

nothing your just... I just feel taken care of thats all

aftercare is very important to me you know that

I know its just not something i'm used to so.. thank you

of course beautiful he says as he runs his hands through your wet hair and places a kiss on your forehead.

he turns off the water and helps you step out as he wraps the large towel around you and wraps his around his waist.

you both make your way back into his room after drying off most of the water . He grabs a shirt for you to throw on and he throws on some boxers and sweat shorts .

you okay ... hungry thirsty ?

yeah both actually

alright lets go to the kitchen i'll Make something

you make your way up the two flights of stairs to the main floor and walk through the halls to the kitchen.

what time is it you ask as you reach the kitchen

4 am a voice says from further in the kitchen making you yelp and jump in surprise .

matt laughs as he makes his way over to the fridge grabbing things out as you stand there clutching you chest trying to catch your breathe.

sorry sweetheart I didn't mean to scare you the other one says as he approaches you with a small chuckle.

no no its okay just wasn't expecting anyone to be in here.

im Chris he says offering a hand for you to shake .

y/n you say with a smile as you shake his hand.

ahhh so your y/n he says smirking and looking at matt

what's that supposed to mean you ask slightly confused.

oh nothing me and nick have just heard a lot about you over the past two weeks

Oh really you ask with a smile looking at matt who's rolling his eyes.

Mhmm he says winking at you causing you to blush.

what are you doing up anyway

Couldn't sleep . I was gonna go for a swim but then I got hungry he says walking over to the fridge and pulling out a water.

he looks over to you . Want a water

oh sure thank you

You walk over to the island and sit down in one of the chairs.watching as Matt cooks . Chris comes and sits next to you placing the water down in front of you.

so y/n what do you do for work?

im a stylist you say smiling at him

ah so thats why you always have good outfits.

you smile at him from the compliment

yeah I guess so

do you like it

yeah I love it most of the time

why most of the time

well I work with celebrity's a lot and some of them are complete assholes so you know

ahh yeah I get that some of them just act so entitled

right its ridiculous . Matt said your a music producer

yeah I am its pretty cool

I bet id love to be able to make my own music

Matt smiles at you as he admires the way you get along with his brother .

do you sing?

yeah a bit

you should totally record in my studio sometime

id love that but you know thats only if Matt keeps me around

Trust me I will Matt says smirking at you making you smile

well im gonna go for a swim and then probably go to bed .

bye it was nice to formally meet you

yeah you too he says as he walks away down the hall to the pool.

so you sing Matt says smiling

yeah not but only really to myself im kinda awkward when people watch me

well maybe one day I can get you too sing for me

mmm yeah maybe

he finishes plating up the chicken and potatoes he made and slides u a plate and some silverware across the island.

you immediately cut off a piece and take a bite as he wits for your reaction.

oh my god this is so good you say as you lean back in your chair with a smile .

im glad you like it he says smiling and coming to sit next to you.

this is another reason I love older guys

food..? he asks chuckling a little bit

no like you actually cooked me something not just fell asleep and left me to fend for myself

I mean its a pretty easy thing to do he says smiling and taking a bite of his food

yeah but guys my age just arent like you

well then im glad you found me

oh trust me me too you say with a smirk .

okayyy eat your food he says laughing

you laugh a little before finishing the meal he cooked .

that was so good thank you

of course

he gets up and puts the plates in the dishwasher before coming back over to you.

you know what im craving

hmm

desert he says with a wicked smile on his face...

part four coming since I feel like this one is already way too long and took me forever to finish.

💋

#spotify #matt sturniolo #smut #bd/sm daddy #fanfiction #dirty nasty

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weronikasstuff · 1 year

Text

reunion - s.chishiya

"anyway, don't be a stranger" - scott street, phoebe bridgers.

_____

"promise me you'll remember me?" he asked for the 50th time what evening.

"i promise" you said weakly. you had been stabbed 3 times by nirgai in the event before. chishiya had been so worried, and done everything he could to bandage your wound and minimise your pain.

suddenly, you and chishiya saw fireworks in the distance, and he pulled you into a kiss. you could feel your tears streaming down your face as you kissed him back gently, holding eachother, you two being the perfect example of pure love, before everything went black.

______

light shone through the window of the hospital room and reflected onto your face. you woke up, disoriented, a sharp pain in your stomach and leg. you looked down to see a bandage tied around your waist and one tied around your leg, but you couldn't move to remove the blanket properly. you groaned slightly, the pain finally catching up to you. you heard a slight noise come from the door beside you and you watched a nurse come in while looking at her clipboard, glance up at you and gasp.

she quickly ran out of the room and a doctor came in, looking shocked aswell. he checked all the normal things such as heart rate, and considered your state stable. you heard him murmuring to the other nurses, something about preventing an infection, before turning back to you.

"your boyfriend's really in love with you, you know that? he's been asking about you every hour for days in case you woke up, and begged me to let him see you, even while sleeping" he chuckled, while you looked at him confused.

boyfriend?

this was when you felt another figure enter the room.

in came a blonde long-haired boy with crutches, and once he entered the room he processed your awake state, before going as fast as his crutches would take him towards you, enveloping you in a tight hug. you could feel his tears fall on your shirt, and were slightly confused. you had no idea who this stranger was, or what he was doing at your hospital bed.

"i'm so happy you are awake" he sobs, before hugging you tighter.

"I thought- i didn't- i had no idea if you were going to wake up. you were unconcious when the fireworks were up and i didn't know if you would make i-" he rambled.

"i'm sorry, i don't think you have the right person" you explained calmly.

"what..." he pulled back, processing what you face looked like and making sure that it was actually you before slowly backing away from you.

"im really sorry but I don't think that you have the right person" you repeated.

he took a step back, looking as if he was slapped, before the floods of tears came back, much stronger than before.

"but...the fireworks...you promised" he sobbed, disregarding the stares of the doctor.

"fireworks? ive never seen any in my life, im really sorry" you say gently, careful not to hurt him any more.

"if this is a joke, it really isn't funny" he stares at you, praying for any sign of lying, silently begging for you to laugh so beautifully as you had so many times before and tell him that it was a joke and that you would never forget him, yet it never comes.

the doctor stares at you in complete sadness. he had heard all the comments chishiya would say about you once he woke up, such as "she would love this" when he saw a teddy bear holding a heart, and randomly saying facts about you to him roommate, such as "shes so pretty, i can't wait to see her again", and the arguments and anger he showed towards him for not letting him see her sooner because of him injuries.

after you show no sign of realisation, and just pity, he steps back again in shock, realising that you didn't remember. but you promised? you had never broken a promise in your life.

love was a weakness. that's what he told himself before he met you, and during while in denial of his feelings. but you changed him. you made him happier. you practically made him remember how to be happy. so why can't he do the same for you?

what about all the months you spent together? when you taught him how to love? when you cuddled him at night and made him feel warm inside? when you baked a cake together and burnt it? when you gave eachother loving kisses every day? when you spent your evenings together on the rooftop, discussing your future together? what about the cat you promised to have? what about the dates he promised to take you on? what about the gentle love that you two shared for eachother?

and that's when he realised that you'll never be able to do those things together.

and oh how it hurt.

he embraced you again, desperate.

"please baby, you have to remember me. chishiya, remember? you used to call me shun to annoy me, but I always secretly liked it" he sobs.

"please remember. you promised me" he sobs harder, unable to control the overwhelming feelings that he was expressing.

the small shake of your head was enough.

he stumbled out of your room, dazed. he returned to his own. pulled the curtain back so that niragi couldn't see him, and he sobbed.

oh how he sobbed.

he couldn't stop, no matter how many doctors came by. he knew he couldn't come back from this.

as nightfall came, he finally fell asleep. many hours later, he woke back up, only to he greeted with the moonlight shining through the window. he stood up with red, puffy eyes and stumbled over to the window, only to find that it was a full moon.

you always loved the full moon.

__________

a week ago

"look! shun, it's the moon! isn't it beautiful today?" you stared in admiration at the moon that you loved so much from the perfect view of the rooftop.

"yeah, it's beautiful" he says back. but he wasn't looking at the moon. he was looking at you, his eyes filled with love and admiration as his mouth smiled at your happy expression.

_________

how he wished he could go back to that moment.

he lied back down on the bed, covered himself with the duvet, and sobbed into the pillow, muffling his cries.

he held the teddy with a heart he bought you in his hand, cuddling it as he pretended it was you. you always knew how to comfort him in these situations.

he traced his pocket, the outline of a small box inside it, containing the small yet glamorous ring that he was planning to give to you once you woke up.

#Spotify #chishiya x reader #chishiya #chishiya shuntaro #chishiya imagine

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heivexl · 7 months

Text

AND THEY SAID SPEAK NOW | enha hyung line x fem!reader

synopsis: you and enha as speak now songs

warning : suggestive themes in jakes, no smut, cursing

lhs : enchanted

vanished when I saw your face

there you were again. in another college party you didnt even enjoy. the music blaring, the people dancing, the lights shining. forcing your laugh as you conversate with another person at this party on the balcony of the party house. its funny though, all your life you wanted to be popular, so the day you get invited to join the popular girls why do you hate it so much? if this is what you wanted why are you complaining now? maybe its because you lost the only person you truly loved, and all you need these days are their presence. but how do you get it back when you-

lee heeseung?

is that him?

why is he at a college party? he hates parties

nobody knew you had a secret. in midst of being influenced by your new friendgroup you had lost your bestfriend. you didnt even realize how you 2 have changed until one day you realized you two havent talked. texting him you saw your message was never delivered. he didnt want to be friends anymore. to you and heeseung, you guys were perfect together. you both had mutual feelings for one another but decided to graduate before persuing one another, but before the month of graduation he had blocked you. now your seeing him at your college party for the first time in 2 years? all those nights you spent wishing for everything to reverse, begging for him to come back to you, how his face, name, voice, personality has never left your brain, and now hes right infront of you.

when you two saw each other it was like being a deer in headlights, you both didnt know how to react to seeing each other

“y/n?” he mouthed

“heeseung” you mouthed back smiling

you saw the way his eyes shined when he saw yours. there was a glimpse of hesitation but reluctantly he walked towards you.

“you party now?” i ask smiling, he shook his head smirking “no, my girlfriend is here and im accompanying her” he said yelling over the music

oh.

that hit a nerve.

how could you be mad though, you were the one who threw your relationship with him away…

“how have you been?” i asked not knowing how to continue. he took a deep breath in and looked down at his feet “ive been alright, you seem happy” looking away ashamed you shook your head “not really.” thats when he looked up and tilted his head “i sound like a asshole but i really do regret being greedy and wanting to be popular when i was just fine being myself with you, i completely threw away what we had for something im not even happy with when i was happy with you. hell i was in love,” you admitted turning your head towards him to see his lips slowly curve up as the music lowers down “hey, dont worry. i was here all along waiting for you.”

“what?” “i was”

“i spent nights wondering who you loved, debating whether i should move on or not. i prayed every night that you didnt move on and as selfish as it sounds, still in love with me. i even would spend days walking back and forth in front of your door debating on if should knock or just leave you alone.”

“heeseung, your girlfriend!” you said suddenly remembering his mention of his girlfriend

he looks taken back as his eyebrows furrowed together “girlfriend?” he asked

“you said you were here with your girlfriend heeseung”

he started laughing leaning towards you resting his forehead on your shoulder

“i meant girl friend, friend thats a girl y/n”

you shouldnt have but you felt relieved with that. you smile rubbing his back

“it sounds stupid but i havent had been able to move on from our situationship since that day i blocked you. i thought that wouldve helped me distance myself from you.” he said looking down at you holding the sides of your waist

“heeseung, why do you keep speaking in past tense?”

“because i have you now.

have you moved on from us?” he lifted your face with his fingers to look up at him

quickly shaking your head he hugs you.

“i was enchanted to meet you again.”

pjs : speak now

don't wait, or say a single vow

you shouldnt be salty as you thought finishing your makeup. but how couldnt you be when your boyfriend-

sorry, ex boyfriend

is getting an arranged marriage?

your ex, jay. was forced to break up with you and marry her for his parents company. as much as you hated it and was heartbroken when he broke the news to you and as much as you hated it, he hated it more, you both were eachothers first true love. a love where you know you 2 are meant for eachother but of course when you and jay felt finally were happy he had to get married to her.

when you arrived at the venue, you saw jay’s fiancee talking to jays friends with both his and her parents. you could see the disapproval in jays parents eyes as they saw the way she treated his friends wondering how she would treat their son. when they saw you they smiled and waved, waving back you sadly smile. you knew you couldnt be mad at them. this couldve broken their whole career that they worked so hard for, they apologized many times and as much as you wanted to say it was okay, you knew it wasnt. jay’s fiancee looked over at where her future parent in laws were looking, you swear you could see fumes coming out of her ears. she stomped towards you and mumbles so no one but you could hear

“leave my wedding, jay already broke up with you. i dont know who invited you but leave.”

you look over at jays parents with confused looks on their faces, you turn your attention back on his fiancee and walk away. you were too drained to fight with a snotty girl who clearly didnt deserve your ex. walking to the exit of the venue you sit on a bench hidden away in front of the exit of the venue processing your thoughts. you felt a presence sit near you “hey” he said shakily. you look over at him and press your lips in a line “you look nice” wouldve been nicer if you were the one who was getting married to him. “thank you.” he said chuckling, leaving silence between you two. he sighed “im really sorry again. i never meant for any of this to happen” how could you be mad at him? “dont worry, ill move on and youll be successful, i know its for the better” jay swore he felt his heart stop at the words of you moving on, or even the thought of it. “youll be there?” he asked, it was a dickhead move to ask you to see him kiss any other woman than you then be legally married to him taking his last name but he wanted you to be there so he could see your face while marrying her, yknow…so itll seem like hes getting married to you. “id love too” you said sarcastically making both of you laugh “but your wife uninvited me” he looked at you with wide eyes “first of all shes not my wife…but what?” you nodded your head “she uninvited me when she saw me” he breathed deeply “can you just sneak in? ill cover you up if she gets mad at you.” you look at him and see his eyes of plee

“fine.”

so now your here sitting front row on her side so jay can see you, sitting next to jays mom. when the priest says “speak now or forever hold your peace” you close your eyes not wanting to see whats gonna happen after, suddenly you feel jays mom poke up and clear her throat. you look at her with wide eyes, does she…

she glared at jays fiancee and nudged you harder. you stood up and everyone gasped. jay looked at you and smiled while his fiancee stared at you. you swore she could’ve exploded on the spot “i am not the kind of girl who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion you are not the kind of boy who should be marrying the wrong girl.” you heard jays mom and dad laugh as jay runs towards you grabbing your hand running to his changing room “lets run away now, ill meet you when im out of my tux in the back door” you ran to the back as he changed and when you saw him he carried you bridal style as you two ran from the venue.

“im so glad you were around when they said speak now.”

sjy : i can see you

what would you do if they never found us out?

he brushed pass you as you tried to get into your office making you roll your eyes. for the longest time the office established and joked that you and jake were mortal enemies. but how would they react if they knew what you and jake really feel for each other? you both dont even know but what you two both know is that those touches and glances dont go unnoticed. those times he waited for you outside of your office when everyone had already left. those teasing moments, enemies dont do that.

enemies dont kiss either.

you dont remember how it happened but he knocked on your office door with files you had sent him that were apparently wrong.

“now i have to go in and fix this shit!”

“why dont you do that and shut the fuck up then?!”

“you did this on purpose huh? so i can come into your office”

“and why would i do that?”

“because you like me.” he said faintly

“what?” you asked lowering your tone

just then his lips interlocked with yours

you two were interrupted by a knock on your door. his lips left your lips as his forehead rested against yours “keep this between you and me yeah?” he mumbled before walking out the door smirking at you.

what the fuck just happened.

the next few weeks he acted as if nothing happened in public some faint touches here and there and being around your presence more but nothing else. but in his or your office you surely werent enemies. you both kept it professional on the outside but the confused looks from your coworkers at you and jakes rather peace between one another.

the next week jake kept his distance from you, which made you want to hate him even more. you rolled your eyes whenever he left a room or space you were in, he was probably playing you. tonight your office was hosting a party for the workers to relax and hangout.

you showed up a bit late, walking in you talked to a few people sipping your drink from here and there. you didnt notice but someone had their eye on you throughout the whole party.

when you were standing in a random place in the party jake walked up to you and handed you a note

“meet me tonight.”

you hate to admit but you listened. you looked for him in the party but couldnt find him. suddenly you noticed a familiar back… walking up to him, he turned to you and you looked observing his outfit. he was wearing his dress shirt, dress pants and his tie, jacket hanging from his arm. “stop looking at me like that” he chuckled before putting his jacket on your shoulders. “whatd you need?” he stared at you for a second before kissing you, yes you kissed him back…😔

“w-what?”

“i like you. i dont want to be someone you hate anymore. i dont want us to be known for hating each other i dont want kissing you to feel like a secret mission, i dont want those faint touches you give me on my shoulder, arm, or back of my neck when your hating me for anyone else.”

“why didnt you tell me sooner? i thought you hated me.” you chuckle

“what would you do if they found us out?”

“hate you even more”

“exactly”

you both laughed, maybe those secret missions arent so secret anymore,

psh : timeless

the kinda love that you only find once in a lifetime

you and sunghoon were walking in the street when you noticed a antique shop and dragged sunghoon in. “what are we doing in here?” “i dont know, it just feels right to be here right now” he chuckles at your explanation “your weird.”

the bell rang as you opened door, you saw a cardboard box with a sign “photos 25 cents each” and picked up a random photo as sunghoon wrapped a arm around your waist looking at the photo with you its was a couple laughing infront of their first house “this will be us in the future” you both laughed and picked up another photo. when you were talking a older lady walked up from behind the counter, “do you two need help?” the lady asked as you two shook your heads “we dont get young people like you guys around here often” she looked over at the photos you and sunghoon were looking at “these are actually me and my husbands photos” you and sunghoon looked up at the lady letting her continue. “as much as i would like to hold onto the memories, my husband told me i should sell some of the photos to prove to people love is true and real.” “can you tell us more?” sunghoon asked

the lady nodded and lead you both to a space where there was a lounge area while holding the box of photos. “me and my husband met in 1944 on a crowded street, and the war was about to happen, but we felt so bounded. when he departed we stayed strong, we wrote to eachothers every day and prayed he would be safe and come home to me. i believe you two were suppose to find his box, this shop. how long have you been together?” she asked

“2 years” you replied and the lady smiled you picked up another photo of her and her husband in their teens holding hands in a driveway on their way to a dance. “this reminds me of when we went to our first party together” sunghoon said making all 3 of you laugh. she pulled out a book of letters “i was forced to marry another man, but he still wrote to me. unfortunately i couldnt write back but i was still his and he was still mines. one day he sent me a letter of him coming back. i left and ran to him as we reunited.”

“man i wish we had a cool love story too”

“that you get married to another man?” he teases

“sunghoon!”

“i mean we had proof of our relationship in 3d photos…”

you all laugh and she looks over at you “sometimes theres no proof you just know.”

you nod and smile at her, as you both thank her and left you clinged to sunghoons arm “am i still weird?”

“maybe not…that was nice”

“it was”

“hey…”

he looked over at you raising his eyebrow

“maybe we didnt meet in a crowded street but we did meet in a…

crowded room!”

“crowded room!”

you both said at the same time giggling after

“and about that ‘marrying another man’ your always gonna be mine.”

“im perfectly fine with that, i mean who will love me when my hair is turning gray?” you said as he laughed

“we should really get on that cardboard box of the life we made”

“then what?” he asked

“youll say ‘oh my! we really were timeless!’ ” you said sarcastically

so there you two were setting up your camera

“do you think were timeless in every universe?”

“no doubt.

who will love you when your hairs gray?”

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lukeevangelista · 1 year

Note

Can I do number 6 and number 8 from PL7 with Johnny Druskinis?

Accident - J. Druskinis

I'm not sorry for this

———————————————————————————

“God, can you please stop talking?” He asked, slamming his hand on the steering wheel, “You have done nothing but bitch about everything and I’m getting sick of hearing it!”

“If you wouldn’t give me something to bitch about, then you wouldn’t hear it!”

Silence filled the car after you said that, Johnny becoming more frustrated with you as each moment passed by.

“Johnny watch out!” You shouted as the car barreled into the passenger side of his car.

The car had ran the red light, Johnny not seeing it as his light was green to go.

The car spun out of control, your head hitting the dashboard before the airbag went off, slowly knocking you unconscious.

The last thing you heard was Johnny begging for you to stay awake and that help would be there soon.

***

Johnny paced the waiting room for what felt like hours. He had minor injuries, your side of the car taking the brunt of it all.

“I can’t do anything right.” Johnny whispered to himself. Luca, who had came to the hospital with a few others as soon as he had heard what happened, watched him.

“It’s not your fault.” He said as he stood up, grabbing his friend by the shoulders to stop him, “Johnny, it’s not your fault. He was drunk, he ran the red light.”

“If I would have been-”

“There’s no what ifs. It happened and now it has to be dealt with.” Luca said, “She’s a strong girl, she’ll be okay.”

“God, I hope so.” He said as Luca gave him a tight hug.

“She will.”

“Family for Y/N L/N?” A nurse called out as she entered the room. Johnny and the others jumped up as they gathered around her.

“We’re the only family she has here.” Johnny whispered, “She’s here for uh- college.” He said as his mouth went dry.

Her family. They didn’t know anything that was going on and he was starting to feel guilty for not calling.

“She's stable, but she's a very lucky girl, I hope you know this.” She gave him a sincere look, “You can go back, one at a time though.” She said, “I want to warn you, she looks rough right now. She does have wires everywhere and she is currently sedated to help with the pain, but she should be waking up any moment sweetheart.”

“Go.” Kienan said as he nudged him forward, “She’ll want to be the first one she sees when she wakes up.”

Johnny nodded as he followed the nurse to your room, her not kidding.

You were covered in wires to monitor anything that could potentially go wrong.

The moment he entered the room, he heard a groan leave your lips. He sat down in the chair that was beside your bed, grabbing your hand that had the IV in it, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles repeatedly.

Johnny was sitting there, praying you would wake up soon.

And as if someone was listening, you groaned once more, your eyes slowly fluttering open.

You couldn't speak, your mouth being insanely dry.

“I thought I lost you.” Johnny whispered as he leaned forward, his hand softly brushing your hair back out of your face, “I- I was so worried.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily.” You smiled as you slowly moved your hand to grip his, giving him a tight squeeze, “I’m with you for life, even if we argue. You’re not leaving and I’m not leaving you.”

#johnny druskinis #soft thoughts w/ari #angsty thoughts w/ ari #aris 1k celly

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jemmo · 1 year

Text

ok. here’s some of my immediate, rambly reactions to eps 3 and 4 of t8s.

first off, i was kinda nervous the entire day. it’s been a while since ive had butterflies like this waiting for a show to air, most recently was the second season of utsukushii kare, but the level it was today was rivalling waiting on a friday for a new bad buddy ep. and the fact this show managed to put me into that state within less than a week is frankly insane, and shows just how down bad i am for it. all that to say, i so soooooo didnt this want this to be a case of me overinflating how good those first 2 eps only for the follow up to not encapsulate the same feelings. all signs were pointing to that not being the case, but still, when you hyperfixate, you kinda get nervous hoping that thing lives up to everything youve built it up to be. and these eps absolutely did that. they didnt just live up to expectations, but are managing to give me scenes and story beats and emotions i just cant predict at this point, and i love that. just how like this budding relationship feels new and unpredictable to jihyun and jaewon, the show is like that for me to watch, and it does wonders for giving me the same butterflies the two are feeling.

but with that unpredictability comes a kind of uncertainty, not knowing whats gonna happen at any turn, and i cant express how much i adore that about these two eps. with the kind of story theyre building, with jaewon’s mental health struggles and his past, with jihyuns nerves and growth in an unfamiliar environment, itd be so easy to make their relationship a shared place of comfort and certainty and familiarity for each other. that place of refuge. and while i feel like that’s what it’ll eventually become, i love that still, in these early stages, the relationship feels so uncertain and almost not guaranteed. it makes you still hang onto every look and touch and word even though theyve already kissed. something about it doesnt feel pre-determined, which is a feeling i get with so many other bl’s when you know, a majority of the time, they’ll get together and have a happy ending. that doesnt feel guaranteed here (even though i pray for that to be the case). instead, it feels like im watching two individuals that are actually having to make a conscious effort in order for this relationship to become something. they have to work for that certainty. and that kind of knife’s edge, it could break at any moment, hanging on every interaction is packed with that specific kind of nervous exhilaration that is so fucking accurate and true to the start of relationship. i seriously cant describe how perfectly they managed to encapsulate that feeling and convey it with such authenticity. its actually ridiculous. seeing those moments, when they’re talking and skirting so closely around the topic of what exactly they are, when then their fingers brush and you are begging for one of them to make the tiniest of moves, to take hold, to make that kind of a statement no matter how small or silent it is, it makes your heart race, bc its new and unknown and in that moment its like your insides are screaming, begging you to embed this sensation into your veins bc you dont know when the next night like this, when the midnight chill and the dusky sky and the hints of alcohol in your system will mix right and make you feel so hedonistically giddy as you do right now at the feeling of that person by your side. and the way they both chase that sensation, how visibly happy it makes them, a craving for each other and that shared thrill only they know, it is just so unbelievably intoxicating to watch.

i am a person that struggles to sit down and focus. im watching tv but im also knitting, im playing a game but also listening to a podcast. im that person that has to overwhelm my senses to feel sated. this is the first time in a while that ive sat down to watch something and nothing stole my focus, i wasnt distracted, my mind didnt wander. i wasnt concious of the other people walking around my house or the traffic outside or the temperature of the room, i was just fully engrossed. i let every ebb and flow of the scenes and story take me on this path it was guiding me down. and again, thats how they feel. when jihyun and jaewon are alone together, everything else fades away to this dull buzz of background nothingness, they become engrossed in each other, and just as the story pulls me, they pull each other. there’s a constant back and forth, an exchange of setting and challenging boundaries that i adore. when youre getting into a scene, you dont know whos gonna be the one pushing the other. you have jihyun being more forward by the han river, teaching jaewon to draw, then you have jaewon going after jihyun at the library, you have him meeting jihyun after work only for jihyun to ask him to stay and have a drink. its like with every interaction, theyre both asking ‘is this ok?’ and the other asks ‘can we go further?’. i wanna make a whole other post about the nature of their gap in age and experience and all that brings and also how the expectations it brings are subverted, but for now i just wanna say how great it is that there is this balance, and especially that jihyun is allowed to be confident and brave and forward with jaewon, and jaewon is allowed to be reserved and giddy around jihyun. those are experiences so often reserved for the elder and the younger in a relationship, respectively, so to let jihyun be the leader and jaewon the follower, swept up by his feelings and attraction is so refreshing and plays so well into the kind of growth we’re gonna see from these characters and that they need, jihyun growing out of this shy country mouse persona to be more forward and bold, and jaewon being allowed to drop his mask of bravado and letting him be a young person that doesn’t have to be in control of everything. we see that one of his main pressures is the concept of the future, of how simultaneously wide and full of possibilities but also narrow and predetermined that future is for him. he talks about being afraid to lose the comfort of a microcosm like the army of school, even though they are places where he isnt necessarily happy. and then in comes jihyun, something not predetermined, something unexpected, and he takes control of jaewons future in a way by opening up this new path for him. he’s taking some of that stress from jaewon’s shoulders by being an equal and responsive partner in this journey, and offers the chance for jaewon to have something certain in his future, only if he too will work for it. only too if he tries something new, realises that its not too late, and that the anxiety and fear and uncertainty that comes with it may be worth it. bc it may not be guaranteed, but to try instead of never knowing is the only way he can make this possible.

tldr; this show is breath-taking, and im gonna be emo about it for a very long time

#thats it for me until i rewatch approximately 10 times and make 50 more rants #im down so bad #but im addicted to the way this show makes me think #its just stunning #and im so fucking happy i could cry #the eighth sense

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thegirlwhoistired · 3 months

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can not wait until ive lost enough weight in so short of time that someone notices and asks me if im okay

oh how badly i want to be able to say “no. i have completely fallen out of love with food. all of the years of work, dedication, motivation and discipline to lose weight the healthy way is gone and down the drain. ive been struggling for so long now. i was crying for help, i was screaming for help. i was begging and praying to god and the universe to give me a sign, to show me that someone was happy with my progress, that someone liked me for what i was, and my pleas were left unanswered. and now after months of struggling you finally decide i look sick enough to ask me if im okay”

ill probs just say that im fine and the diet and exercise must be working but its the thought that counts

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burgundybmw · 2 years

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What To Expect When You're Expecting

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 2,001

Warnings: None.

Request: "eddie and the reader are parents. Y/n is in the kitchen cooking and Eddie is asleep on the couch. His son his crawling on his face. His son then just decides to fart in Eddie’s face. Waking him up." by @writing-fanics

Author's Note: This was super fun to write, hope you guys enjoy!

Y/N remembered the day she found out she was pregnant like it was yesterday. She was sitting in the hospital, Eddie had been in a coma for little over a month. She went and sat by his bed everyday, praying for the day he would wake up. She was scared, stressed, and could barely take care of herself. That morning she had rushed to the hospital as soon as it opened, and the second she walked into Eddie’s room a terrible pang of nausea ran through her. The nurse was adjusting his IV bag when she had rushed to the toilet and threw up the coffee she guzzled on the road.

The nurse had a sad look in her eye, and asked her if Y/N thought she might have been pregnant. Her immediate thought was no, there was no way, Eddie had been in a coma for over a month. Then the lightbulb went off in her head. They did sleep together, right before the big battle. A quick romp in the trailer while everyone was getting prepared for battle. They didn’t know if they were gonna make it by the end, and just needed to feel something good to cover up the all consuming fear deep inside them.

Y/N took the test, and less than an hour later she found out she was pregnant. A million and one thoughts ran through her head. One, her mother was going to be beside herself for getting knocked up at 20. Two, how terrified she was of becoming a mother herself. And three, how desperately she wanted Eddie wake up to tell him he was going to be a father. She didn’t tell anybody at first, only a sleeping Eddie in his bed. Y/N told him everything, how she was going to get her life together, some baby names she liked, and even when the first sonogram appointment was.

She had begged the hospital staff to do the sonogram in Eddie’s room, she didn’t want him to miss out on any of things that came with his first child. The staff agreed, and at 8 weeks along she heard it, the baby’s heart beat. Y/N wished in that moment Eddie miraculously woke up, but that wasn’t the case. He woke up three days later.

Y/N was sleeping at the time, her head resting on his bed. That’s when she felt a light touch on her cheek, at first she thought her mind was playing tricks on her, but when she opened her eyes there he was. Eddie was awake, after nearly 9 weeks he was finally awake. What happened after was a blur, tears were falling, phone calls were made, and then suddenly the room was filled with people. They were all overjoyed that Eddie was awake and that he was gonna make a full recovery, back to normal in a couple of months. That’s when the doctor accidentally slipped the big news.

“You’ll be back in tip top shape for your first Father’s Day!” Everyone was confused about what the doctor meant, most of all Eddie. When he finally left, Y/N told everyone she was pregnant. She wanted to wait a few days, not make Eddie’s near miraculous recovery about her, but she didn’t regret it when she saw the look on his face. He had the biggest smile she’d ever seen, and she knew he was thrilled with the idea when he said:

“Went and made me a daddy, huh sweetheart?” The room practically exploded with excitement. Dustin was in tears, thrilled to be an uncle. Mike, Will, and Lucas were all debating if it was gonna be a boy or a girl. Eleven and Max were giggling to themselves, coming up with ideas on when the baby was made. Steve immediately offered to babysit whenever they needed, and Robin was making fun of him for being so excited. Nancy and Jonathan offered a quiet congratulations, and the rest was history.

Eddie worked really hard to get himself better before the baby arrived. He was religious about taking the proper meds, eating well, and doing all the physical therapy the doctor required. Fortunately, the US Government offered to pay for medical expenses due to their major fuck up with Vecna, so money wasn’t anything they had to worry about. He was so excited to get back on his feet after everything, especially because Hawkins High School agreed that if he passed the final exams he could graduate alongside everyone else. Eddie crossed that stage with his head held high, and a few short months later they found out they were going to have a baby boy. That started the great naming debate of 1986.

“Dustin Jr. is a great name! We can call him DJ!” Everyone came to visit Eddie and Y/N’s new apartment to hear about the big baby news. Y/N was sitting on the couch with Eddie massaging her swollen calves. Jonathan and Nancy were on the love seat talking among themselves, with Robin and Steve sitting in chairs beside them. All the kids were scattered on the floor, they had been going back and fourth for the past hour about what they should name the new baby boy.

“We can’t name the baby Dustin, you’re already Dustin. He needs an original name.” Lucas scoffed between sips of lemonade.

“Yea, and why does the baby get named after you! What about Mike Jr. or Will Jr?” Mike complained, “I think Mike Jr. is the best personally”

Eddie was very amused with the display before him, he hoped that one day his son would have friends as good as they were. He neglected to tell everyone they already picked a name, he wanted to see what everyone else thought first.

“I think the baby’s name is Eddie and Y/N’s decision alone. They’re the parents after all.” Will was rolling his eyes at his friends bickering, and Eddie took that as his cue to announce that they had already chosen a name.

"Well, sorry to break it to you guys but the baby already has a name." They all turned to look at Eddie, eyes wide with curiosity.

"Well what is it?!" "Tell us, tell us, tell us," "Is it Dustin Jr.?!" They all shouted at the same time. Eddie looked over to Y/N, silently asking her if she wanted to be the one to break the news. She nodded, before turning to the group to tell them the baby's name.

"We're naming him James, James Jett Munson." When Eddie first suggested the name, she instantly knew it was because of Metallica. She decided to keep the theme and have the middle name be after her favorite artist, Miss. Joan Jett from The Runaways. He could go by Jamie or JJ as a nickname, it was perfect. Everyone was so excited about the name, and they all couldn't wait for the baby to born. There was talk about a DnD themed baby shower, and whether or not the baby would be born by Christmas. The room was filled with joy, and that carried on for the rest of Y/N's pregnancy.

On Saturday December 13, 1986, James Jett Munson was born. Eddie was a nervous wreck the entire time, constantly asking if she was okay and if the baby was fine. He held her hand, fed her ice chips, offered support and praise during the delivery. When their son was finally born, and it was time to cut the umbilical cord, Eddie couldn't stop crying. When he finally held his son in his arms for the first time, Y/N knew he was going to be an amazing father. There was so much love in his eyes. He stayed up the entire night watching over the baby, making sure Y/N got proper rest. When they took James home, the panic settled in.

Was she going to be a good mom? Could she really do this? Eddie could sense her panic, and he just tucked her into bed with a kiss on her cheek. He told her it was her time to take care of herself, that he would take care of everything, and he did. When James was hungry, he brought him to Y/N and took care of her while she fed him. If he needed a diaper change, Eddie was on it. He did most of the heavy lifting for the first 8 months of James's life.

Y/N was thrilled to see how taken Eddie was with James. He did everything he could with him, brought him to Hellfire Club, put little noice cancelling headphones on him so he could watch band practice, he was so in love with being a dad and it made her heart sour. On James's second birthday they had a DnD themed party. Y/N spent all day making a 20 sided die cake, which ended up a bit wonky in the end. James and Eddie loved it all the same, and everybody stuffed their faces with the large chocolate marble cake. The party was mostly Y/N and Eddie's friends, but James had a ball everyone. After the party, both James and Eddie passed out together on the couch, exhausted from the days events. Y/N was in the kitchen cleaning up some leftover dishes when she heard Eddie yelling from the living room. She rushed over to see the love of her life laughing on the floor with their son, a look of amusement and disgust on his face.

"Would you care to explain what's going on?" Y/N said with her hands on her hips. Both boys stopped their rough housing to look at the lady of the house.

"Our son had the bright idea to drop a methane bomb on his Dad's face while he was asleep" Eddie groaned, barely containing his amusement.

"It was funny Mommy!" James giggled, rolling on the floor. Y/N rolled her eyes and sat on the ground with her family tickling her son's tummy.

"It's not nice to do that Jamie, now say you're sorry to your Dad" She knew it was important to tell James it wasn't appropriate behavior, even if she found it hilarious.

"I'm sorry Daddy..." James replied, fiddling with the bottom of his pajama shirt. Eddie ruffled his son's hair, a fond smile on his face.

"Apology accepted little man, now why don't you go play with some of your birthday toys" James broke out into a giant grin and immediately ran off to his bedroom to go play.

"He's your son for sure, no doubt about it" Eddie turned to look at the mother of his child, his eyes full of love and light.

"I had no doubts sweetheart" He leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss on her lips. Y/N smiled into the kiss, her heart soaring with every movement of their lips. After awhile Eddie pulled back from the kiss, a wolfish grin on his lips.

"Hey baby, I was thinking," Eddie began, "what if we gave James a little brother or sister?" Y/N was shocked with the question, she never thought about having more kids. It made sense, Eddie loved being James's dad and she loved being his mom.

"You want to have another baby?" Eddie nodded in response, the grin never leaving his face. Y/N leaned over to kiss him again, the kiss quickly became heated before she pulled back again, giggling at the whine Eddie let out when did.

"Well why don't we get started then?"

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson #eddie munson x fem!reader #eddie munson x female reader #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fic #baby daddy eddie munson #stranger things #stranger things fanficton #stranger things s4 #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fic #stranger things fluff #stranger things x reader

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siriuslynephilim · 10 months

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happiest birthday to the love of my life @loverrgf baby hiii i am wishing praying begging god for you to get all the happiness and love and success in the world and i hope life loves you more treats you kinder in this upcoming year and you achieve everything you've dreamed and yearned of and you know ive never been good at keeping promises but i am promising you that whatever happens i am always here for you by your side cheering you on listening to you waiting for you loving you okay? so quickly be done with your exams and come back to me because i love you so much and i miss you so much and i need my daily dose of talking to you about nothing and everything for like two hours every night okay ily ❤

#sorry that this is a mess i do not have your amazing web weaving mb making skills i am your fellow disciple 🛐#i know you're scared about the future and 20 but please believe me i promise it's gonna be fine one day you'll look back and be proud of #how far you've come how you persisted even in the worst situations #also im always here for you okay no matter our stupid fights my drama and jealousy and everything i love and appreciate you and i miss you #be annoying and sending 500 asks a day and i miss you sending blurry mirror selfies and pictures of the cat and YOUR POETRY MOST OF ALL #i miss your brain and your heart ily so much you're so special okay my favoritest so shut up and be happy because #im very happy that you were born today 20 years ago today the world would be a boring and pathetic and dark and stupid place without u #okay im shutting up now ily ily ily <33 #vio love

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rianafying · 4 months

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this is not necessarily a happy journal entry but

i’ve had a lot of happy moments lately. and relief. also chaos but that’s nothing unusual, the happiness is. noticed something that made me upset just now. also opened bumble god knows why. i know fully well i don’t want to date, and yet, i opened bumble. it’s not like i have time to kill. in fact, i have no time. there’s so much stuff i’m meant to be doing. i just added a whole bunch of stuff to my master to do list. here comes the hyperventilation. i prayed the other day. i felt so bad that i prayed. can yall imagine how much anxiety it takes to get to a point where i genuinely broke down enough to beg god for help? but it means something. it means i have hope. it means i want things to get better. it means i feel it’s worth it. this is a start contrast to my indifference and disinterest in living last year. things are different now. i am different. nothing changes. everything changes. it feels like a cycle but also there’s something new about it. everytime i regain my will to life. you can’t force these things. it has a mind of its own. also going back to bumble, it’s such a waste of time for me and also it makes me feel a few things: 1) like dating is so strange, i don’t have it in me to do the whole ritual, it’s not organic, it feels forced, and superficial, it’s not for me, not for who i am right now. 2) it makes me think about aspects of myself that i have struggled a lot to make peace with, such as my appearance, my personality etc through the lens of others, like why would i ever subject myself to such torment, when i know i hate being perceived 3) i am too impatient and disinterested to send the first message or to wait for a response and then to carry on a conversation. there’s more points but ill just keep rambling for eternity. why am i even saying all this, why am i thinking so much about it, clearly this has struck something in me, since i feel so strongly about it and am desperately trying to make sense of it. the thing is. i like who i am. i like how things are going. that is not something i can say like ever. but can now. and i’m doing fine. and i do have the time. to be silly. to waste some. i don’t actually have to do the things, i just want to do them. and a break is never long enough to do everything i ever wanted to do. instead i’ll focus on the progress i’ve made, which is anything but little. i should be and i am extremely proud of myself. oh funny thing happened the other day, i accidentally splashed boiling water onto my face and chest when trying to break a bone in my stockpot. and i gave myself a pretty nasty burn that covers more than half my face. the left side. my left. your right. the side with the mole. anyway, so i dealt with it, i’ve been told to avoid exposing my face to the sun or heat in general. so ive been eating a lot of cold foods. and coincidentally watching that episode on gilmore girls where the dragonfly inn catches fire, and sookie can’t use the stoves until the insurance company pays for the contractor to fix them and she lists cold foods, all types of salads and carpaccios. i don’t eat raw meat/fish and i’m over my salad craze. i’m craving a hot roast chicken sandwich with cold tomatoes and zesty mayo on toasted brioche buns. the way i make it. i’m rlly hungry. and there is this lingering melancholy that just grows if i don’t address it every now and then.

for someone who is absolutely terrible at writing, i sure do write a lot. and this is technically writing. right?

even though things are better, i’m not yet okay. my mind still spins too fast. nothing sticks. i’m in distress because my friends are distress. how can we actually be happy if the ones we love are not. so many people so many attachments. it’s been a while since i’ve even had the mental capacity to care for others. i’m hungry as fuck. something is off, something feels bad. is it my hunger. is it my messed up sleep schedule. is it my perpetually cluttered room. is it the pressure of expectations. is it my godawful health, mental or physical. is it eternal.

i can’t fix everything. i can’t fix anything really. i can’t fix things at a rate fast enough to keep up with the pace of destruction. in this life there is too much to fight against. but also too much to fight for. at least i can take solace in the fact that it ends. which is not so much a fact to me as it is a hope. god forbid the heavens exist. i couldn’t take another minute of being, after i have been so relentlessly my whole life. i’m hungry. i’m scared. i’m hopeful. i’m apprehensive. always anticipating danger but never quite ready for it. nothing is ever right enough. except when i find a bit of poetry that changes the fabric of my being. maybe i just need to be receptive in case some poetry finds its way to little old me.

#personal #journal entry

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lovereveals · 7 months

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I remember how you answered the door and finally i felt something new about you again.

The busted red door and the slamming screen at your moms.

I now get why you called it your moms, because the woman is what makes the house a home. Not just who pays the majority gets title.

I remember your plants in the sun room crowding the place but thats exactly how you wanted the jungle to run. I see it all now, maybe

not all because ive said that before and theres still new pieces coming back, so fortunately. I

miss how youd explain your ventures to me always inviting me into a mission or a newfound

passion. You always had something for me to do and now i sit here wandering directionless

begging for you to give me something, anything. I think of how i wish i took more time with you

doing anything, sitting in traffic. Waiting for the rain to stop, sitting in the car while the gas

pumped, i wish i knew how to slow down and just let the sun rise with our eyes and appreciate

the day starting with all that you are was is and always will be above anything i could dream up

by myself. You exceeded every expectation i ever heard of, had or dreamed of having and you

still do, I want to go back and open everything to you and be willing to look stupid because i

know thats what you needed, i was too cool when i deserved to let the flame you had awoken

inside me burn in every way so you could experience the love you inspired into me. Back then

we only could feel the sharpest of edges, so i guess thats why we collided how we had because

all we know is how to live in our truths. Im grateful now we have been forged in fire to relearn

how to engage in a forevermore of new ways love dances, rests, runs, works, suffers, laughs,

rests, dreams, reminesises, burns , chills, excites , calms , awakens , rests, breaks , builds,

conquers, surrenders. Explores, awaits, it flys, freefalls , catches , slips , bliss, madness, tragic,

solace, lost, found , light , dark , confusing , enlightening, sickening , healing,

You were the one who made sure i wasnt left alone, outside , stranded and it scared me like a

stray skittish dog treats its loving owner, it suffers for days months even years not understanding

its worth love and so much more beyond the scraps of gestures id been only thrown in the snow

by those who said thats what love was and at the time thats all i knew it to be so i shivered and

starved in every pathetic demoralizing way until you came along Alyvia and not only showed me

what welcome really deserves to be but as the moments passed you proved it only to a deeper

glowing extent, I took it in like like a pet with new food, it made me weazy but i slowly became

accustomed to what the epitome of unconditional love is. You. i should of learned from your love

and embraced it but at the time i had only experienced the fleeting fake half smiled favors titled

love by everyone before you. I had grown accustomed to kindness always coming right before

abandonment and unacceptance. I tiptoed around all that you were because if i was to be

accepted by anyone ever my God i prayed it was you, even though it took me by so much

surprise, it were a pure miracle to hear you wanted me to come inside to meet your dad

because you said he;d like me. When all i expected from you was to use me as a ride from work

and that was enough for me because your presence and everything about you seemed to call

me home to true grace when all i had ever known was the unforgiving ravaging wilderness. I

learned to accept your love via zoey because i had to ease into the gravity and power that one

true loves unexplainabl force generates pushing pulling reverberating in original distinct ways

that left us so overwhelmed we became oblivious skeptiks because you know they explain true

love to crash all at once to be that one feeling like no other.

well from my experience, true love came in to me like the smallest hand on a clock. You dont

notice how bad you needed it until you see a clock that doesn't have seconds ticking and you

realize it may be working but not in the way it was designed to, without that simple missing

piece two ticking hands move but it's simply as if there's no sign of order between them.

A Quiet chaos has always been surrounding entangled in each of our lives and when we finally

crossed physical paths the currents began to intertwine ever so softly at first introduction like

two magnets meeting, we collided at once as if not by our own choices but our hearts magnetic

field retwiring welcoming itself within questions and answers only a divine separation between

death and life can forge a perfect cosmic message.that screams in silence emotions that are not

bound by time.

So we didn't talk. We savored that silence, we could almost taste it, because it felt like the world

stopped that night, we were left alone to the stillness only we alone could fill alone together in

that wide open bar, the city was quiet and vacant for us due to the key that only true love can

loneliness and evil heartless terror i grew up escaping from dodging everything that wasnt to

unlock.

We didn't mean to fit, but we were born destined to engraved on our souls we were given a

mission to find each other. It was always my only driving force and beacon of hope in the

lead my path to my beloved.

Subject =

Some memories i couldnt just let fly away yet

#relationship #self care #poem #couple #life #writing #romantic #romance #lovecore #i love it #lol #gaming #eeeeeee #SoundCloud #Spotify

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menalez · 2 years

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Hey so I really wanted to know your thoughts on SAM (the split attraction model). Before I discovered what comphet was and read about it, I identified as bisexual or bi-ace . . . Only to realize now that I’ve only ever been sexually attracted to women and only women, and that I was only ever truly “asexual” toward men. Yet, I have also had crushes on boys in the past. Most if not all of my TV crushes were male, and some do my strongest infatuations in my preteen and teen years were boys. I found them aesthetically attractive and wanted to be near them, until they actually got near me and then not so much. I have a suspicion that I liked the attention and validation and also just liked their nice faces, but I remember my first crush had me begging God on my knees to make the boy marry me. Yet when there was opportunity to so much as kiss him I was appalled. I also wonder if the reason I liked fictional men more than women was because they were written better, and if I didn’t consider my deep, love for my female friends and consuming interest in them as romance because it didn’t feel the same and I was taught to disregard it as friendly—it didn’t feel fast or flighty, but deep and all-consuming, like I was being eaten alive from the inside. It was passion.

I don’t know, maybe I’m not used to seeing women as full people and hence found them less interesting as characters and sometimes even irl, kinda like black people (as an African I resented African stories and had no interest and felt no spark in seeing African characters. I realize I’m just not interested in caricatures.)

I don’t know. I’m very conflicted. I have a desire for attractive men, but never sexual, and not even romantic. Kinda like I want to take their faces in my hands and stare, or rub noses. Or touch their smiles. Mainly sensual, but romantic? Sexual? I don’t think so, no.

sorry for dumping this on you, answer at your own leisure and comfort

(but I am also waiting with bated breath because I have been spiraling for days now)

idk anon i really can’t say for sure and whatever i tell u may be false bc how ur currently processing and understanding ur feelings isnt necessarily objective and ultimately you’ll come to a clearer conclusion on ur own. but ive never had tv crushes on males or been attracted to actors or found male characters interesting or prayed to god for a specific guy to marry me (imagining myself married to a guy, as i knew was expected to me, made me deeply depressed and feel trapped but i didn’t know why), and i definitely don’t want to hold a man’s face and stare at it and touch noses (im ok w holding a close gay male friend’s face but i don’t think id want to look particularly long and def not put our faces so intimately close) sooo i don’t rly relate to the stuff you mentioned. honestly figuring out my sexuality was also quite difficult for me bc it required me to rly think back to as far back as my young childhood & that made me realise that from a young age it was clear that there was one group that i was innately attracted to but another group that i knew i should be attracted to & thus would interpret discomfort and anxiety as meaning i was attracted to them (despite ultimately having 0 interest in them). i hope u do figure it out sooner rather than later bc i know it can be distressing to be unsure and conflicted on ur sexuality n feelings 😭

as for SAM, im totally against it. our sexual libido isn’t our sexual orientation, it can vary over time or due to certain experiences or from medication etc. sexual orientation is sth else and romantic & sexual attraction r more or less the same things broken down into specific feelings and preferences. i never thought much about “sensual attraction” tho but i feel like if u aren’t attracted to men as in they don’t make u horny, ur not sexually interested in them, u don’t want to date them, u can find them aesthetically pleasing at most but that’s about it and u always felt this way then ur probably a lesbian. but the stuff u mentioned sounds like weak attraction to men so idk?

#idk why but i just naturally gravitated towards women n responded to women whereas w men i was just. putting on a show almost #like i should be attracted to these guys so therefore i must be but even imagining anything between us was :( :/ 🤢

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hanasaku-shijin · 2 years

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this past month has taken so much from me all at once... for 8 months i finally thought my life was turning around and i could start living it with the girl of my dreams, and then she dumps me on our anniversary. i didnt even have a week to try to heal and go out with friends before my kuro got sick and i just had to put him to sleep.

what’s the lesson here? i find love, and i lose it. i pray and beg and hope for my baby boy to get better, and it’s hopeless and he has to go to sleep. i cant win. im not meant to be happy. ive been doing what people have been telling me, and waiting and being patient for things to get “better.” well, i thought i had “better.” I thought I was better and my life was getting “better.” And now the girl i loved tossed me aside, and the cat i had since he was a baby is gone forever. how do i get “better” now? what else do i have to lose before it gets “better”? Fuck that. I dont want it anymore. I dont want any of it. my eyes have been burning for weeks because all i’ve done is cry day and night.

Next time life wants to take something away from me, i hope it just takes me instead. genuinely, i dont want to do this anymore. and maybe that sounds extreme or like an overreaction, but honestly it’s the goddamn truth. im tired.

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minniefights · 7 months

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Update #13: Home at last

Last Thursday, we finally went home after more than 3 weeks in the hospital. Mom has been saying she wants to go home countless of times. But she wasn’t very well. So I was very dismissive of the idea. Until a few days ago, Mom cried a lot begging to be home. We know we can’t dismiss it this time.

But we have to give her the full scenario of her situation, including weighing the pros and cons. I had to clearly explain that at home we won’t be able to quickly respond to emergencies because we don’t have facilities nor medical experts at our disposal. She took a hard pause and thought about it. And finally I asked her to mark her choice and she ticked “Siblings. Love. Food. Etc.” That’s it. We start planning our discharge thereafter.

Her tears speaks so much. You see when she found out she had Cancer, she has questions but I did not see her cry. Casually, we talk about death and she doesn’t cry either. But loneliness, isolation from the people whom she loves, and there goes the tears pouring. This speaks so much about who my mother is, what she stands for. She always chooses life! As if screaming “What will I do with the medical facilities and staff if that deters me from fully living?” Diagnosis, pain, even death does not scare her, it’s the aching pain of loneliness that does.

Mom went home and with her NGT (nasogastric tube) because she doesn’t eat very well yet. She also still has her Central Venous Cathether (it’s like IV line but on her right neck, she had it because her veins had gotten so thin, it’s hard for the nurses/med techs to access). And also she her urinary catheter. We had to manage and transition so many things. Currently we have caregiver who comes 7AM-7PM who helps us out, my uncle nurse who lives at home and our family doctor visits to check on my mom. They help us manage the situation so Mom could get medical attention while at home. We also chart her vital signs to show it to the doctors (Blood Sugar, Blood Pressure, O2 Saturation, Heart Rate, Temperature and Water intake and output).

It’s hard but Mom’s joy makes it worth it. Upon arriving, she looked at me in the eye and said “Salamat ha!” I felt it deep into my core.

While waiting for our trip back home, she was also excited as ever. Check out her dancey dance!

But how is Mom really?

At the moment, we will still need to wait for the repeat laboratories to check on everything. As you know, when the patient’s discharged it’s also more difficult to access these things. But she’s already done with antibiotics for her UTI. Currently, the blockage in one of her arteries, is manageable as the doctors said. However, she’s really bed-bound now and has lost her mobility. She’s very determined to get it back, though, and looks forward to her Physical Therapy sessions.

But just basing on things not quantifiable by science, I could say my Mom is so much better because she’s VERY happy to be home. Her eyes sparkle more often, she smiles so much more and she even laughs every now and then! She’s eats more and she looks forward to her cold smoothies which I make for her daily. She has prescription milk which I infuse with fruits and ice, gives it to her twice a day. So far, she has been raving about her Durian Smoothie which she rated 10/10. She’s had it twice in the span of 3 days and we allow her since her blood sugar and blood pressure is on a healthy level.

We claim this is God’s miracle at work and we thank you for all those who have been praying for us! We know that our friends and family coming from different parts of the world have been praying non-stop. Our local community (The Light of the World) has also been praying together via Zoom three times a day! And you have been so generous in helping our practically and financially as well, it has helped us a lot in paying of our dues to the hospital! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.

A quick snap of Mom, myself and Nono Nard (Fr Maynard, my Mom’s older brother and best friend)

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