#Maybe it’s a good thing though bc I already can’t listen through the album without sobbing eventually so- | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

selfcareparker · 3 years

Note

yesss the letter format 💝💓💘💖💞💕💖💞💓 (lovely anon)

my dearest aria (a hamilton reference lmao),

i’m home alone (bc i wanted the house alone to get my head together after my brothers were mean to me 🙃) and i’m so hype LMAO but i’m watching chloe x halle’s tiny desk concert and honestly just vibing. (this is so random) besides zendaya like they are my badass black women role models. my one accomplishment would be to learn to body roll like them LMAO

oh nevermind i can’t have anything nice, my dad just came home 🙃 WHAT A WAY TO START OFF THIS ASK WTFFF

i’m liking tfatws, the second episode was veryyy intense imo but WANDAVISION IS SO GOOD😭 i knew it was going to be my favorite from the really old trailer but it’s really good and i promise it’s not just sitcoms, girl especially cuz you’ll have all the episodes already out- we were having to wait every week😭 BUT ITS SO GOOD I PROMISE HDJSHDJSH lmao reading this i was like “i- the episodes aren’t an hour long” but i feel that, it’s hard for me to watch tfatws bc they are an hour long and i’m like 😐 but wandavision episodes are less than 30mins bc I KID YOU NOT they have the damn 10 MINUTE CREDITS DHDJSJ no i don’t think we’ve talked about this b4 lol but it all depends on the series for me. i binged love island uk in less than a week bc i was so invested and LITERALLY LOVE IT but uh those episodes are like an hour and a half, but say i was binging tfatws (it’s so hard to type that ohmigosh) i honestly would not be able to do it bc of the intensity (you may be like what intensity but if you’ve seen episode 2 by the time you’re reading this.......... isaiah and the scene afterwards is all i have to say, esp me being black it was so tough :/)

girl you’re fine, as long as you’ve experienced it once hahaha i think the reason why it’s so important to my family (this letter feels so personal and extreme HSJSJA IM SORRY) is bc my grandmother loved it and in my family i guess it’s just important to us lol like my mom and dad love it too and we have the literal VHS tapes LMAO, but it only came up recently cuz my youngest brother was watching lion guard HAHA and he wanted to see the originals :) and fun fact (unless you already know) but there’s a lion king part 2 and 1 1/2 and i have all three ON VHS HAHAHA but i love lion king 1 duh (the og) but part two’s music and love story..... is so good. anyway. 🦁

I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING DURING THE WHOLE MOVIE THEATER ENCOUNTER THING HAHAHA AND WHEN SHE WAS SAYING AWKWARD I WAS LIKE WTF THE NOISE LMAOOOO i don’t think there’s a better way to describe that whole situation than ZKDHDJSHAJAJSHDJSNAHA. yeah. yeaaaa at the cinemas (i like the word cinema more than movies 🥰) here they have chips (fries), some have ice cream, nachos, drinks, hot dogs, the cinema we were at had pretzels and like BURGERS I WAS LIKE HUH OKAY and ya know obviously popcorn but i don’t know why the theaters (or cinemas) here do that, it started a long time ago though like yearsssss

PLEASE i have the longest movie watchlist and uhh haven’t seen any of them JDJSKA (istg i use HSJSSKSH as a period - like . ) i’m still hype for cherry but very hesitant (idk if i can handle it) but i’m thinking about watching it in the next couple of weeks? i know it’ll take me forever bc i’m gonna have to keep pausing and shit but idk. i’ve asked around for very specific trigger warnings and time stamps so i REALLY know what’s coming (even if it spoiled the film a bit for me) but i do really wanna see it (i think? writing this now i’m not so sure lol) so whooooooo really knows lol, but chaos walking YES i was really excited about it :))) and about my friend uhh dude you don’t sound mean at all i was literally thinking the same thing but worse HAAKL idk what she was there for???? she bought my ticket tho so 💁🏾‍♀️ whatever

“SIMS ahh, BUNK BEDS ahh” had me cracking up lmao and you know my sims status JAJAHHAJ but i’m gonna become like you, saving every 5 minutes 😭 but that’s exactly what happened to me, i really didn’t know whether to shut it off or not but after 2 hours i was heartbroken lol i’m literally making a list of things i need to redo that wasn’t saved lmao

CAN I JUST SAY UR A MASTERMIND THOUGH??? UR SIMS GAME SOUNDS SO *chefs kiss* IM CRINE university is PAINFULLY long and LITERALLY I FEEEL THAT like you can’t do anything else without failing, i had my sim go to a party once for like a few hours and i felt so dumb afterwards like urgh he should’ve been studying LMAOO just cracking down on work honestly. UR NEIGHBOR!AU IN THE SIMS PLEASEEE i am very much in love with it, yes. (pouring rain has just suddenly begun where i am rn wow ok) i love that you put them on the same lot, that was really really smart and i love that ur living out your sexuality in the sims😭 i was abt to say “now you can say you’ve got experience bc of the sims” but ANYWAY IGNORE ME fhdhs THE ALIEN BABY DHSJSK i hope it’s not a dealbreaker for enisa. that’d be tragic. IM BACK IN UPPERCASE THO BC YES MAKING OUT IN THE SIMS IS SO HOT TO ME??? I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE STFU OH MY GOSH- all the stuff, whispering sweet nothings, and the making out, and JUST ALL OF IT!!! AM I TOUCH STARVED????? there was this time i made my sim just continue to woohoo bc it was turning me on big time. ANYWAY

half way through that i had to go to my grandmothers house (not the one that likes lion king, but uh hmm idk if you remember but i was talking abt my shit family so yeah that grandmother lol) so now i’m finishing this 🥴 and instead of chloe x halle i’m watching a tom interview lmao & if this takes me longer than 30 minutes.... imma cry

I REALLY WANNA ASK- IS IT BC UR GERMAN LIKE YOU CAN JUST WRITE OUT THAT LONG ASS WORD???? i mean i can’t write out supercalafrag- anyway, but that word is a bit nonsense, UR WORD IS A REAL WORD DUDE HDJSHS i love how ur like “maybe i mixed up these words” YEA OK.

lol i had to google what are waveformers lol (lol makes a comeback) and they look like curlers that you would sleep in (here we would call them curlers or uhm i forgot uhhhhhhh rollers i think) but ur fine when am i ever making sense?? i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌

H20 H20 H20 OH MY GOODNESS SHE BROUGHT UP H20 OK MY LIFE WAS H20🥲 I HAVE THEIR LOCKET NECKLACE AND (short storytime) when i was younger i thought they were american despite their accents (idk i was dumb) but then i figured they weren’t when lewis went to go study in america HAHAH ALSO FAVORITE COUPLE CLEO AND LEWIS UGH WATCH ME REWATCH THE SHOW NOW THANKS (also i hated elizabeth so much) but anyway back on topic, when lewis went to go study in the US i looked up where the show took place and all that good stuff and i found out they were australian HAHAH and that started my obsession with accents LMAO the uk :’)) (i’m proofreading AND AUSTRALIA IS NOT A PART OF THE UK LMAOO IM SOO DHSJSSHS) also it is now one of my many goals (besides the body roll HAHAH) to go to mako island (that’s what it’s called right??)

about music, i googled stormzy and i might listen to a song of his.. LOL I WANNA GIVE IT A TRY IMMA DO IT FOR YOU NFDVSFSG lmaoo the german rapper had me cackling (autocorrect once again being helpful and said raper and i’m like nOO) i mean we all have that one person. can’t lie, won’t lie. my one (IM SORRY BUT AUTOCORRECT HAD “MY ONE TRUE ACCOMPLISHMENT” SITTING AND READY HDJSJA I DONT EVEN TYPE THAT wHAT) person out of my white soft boy with brown hair and brown eyes type would beeeee pete davidson. love me some petey. i was gonna say rex orange county as well lmao but i don’t really loveeee him i’m just in love with his music... and wanna be friends with him..... so 👉🏾👈🏾 (i never do that fdshsh)

oh my goodness, i love tattoos too- GASP what are you thinking of getting 🥺 i want tattoos too but i’m too indecisive to figure out what to have & where. especially in my family... idk they aren’t frowned upon but my mom’s not applauding the thought lol, if i got one it would have to be meaningful but i am absolutely in love with (for example) ariana grande’s finger tattoos !! they’re so cute and simple :’) i don’t even know if i can get tattoos? my skin is... interesting. not in a bad way!! just like.... idk how to explain it??? keyloids run in the family & i got a piercing once and it got infected soo :/ the doctor also confirmed that if i wanted tattoos they couldn’t be in color so LMAO

ONCE AGAIN THIS WHOLE THING FEELS SO TMI DHSHSSJ IM LIKE OHMIGOSH SHUT UP SHE DOESNT CARE JESJSKS

in regards to you not sleeping, i wanted to mention that dumb bird, what was the reason it was up so early aT 4AM???? SIR WHO YOU CALLING TO??? also it’s 11:30pm and idk why i’m tired???

yeah i was never SUPER into justin so i don’t know exactly what albums you’re talking about lol, i do know yummy though.. but everyone did hahaha also i listen to so much pop 🙈 i mean maybe... idk what would count as pop and what wouldn’t. that new person feeling though.. i get that. it’s like who is this new person..? i kinda feel like that with taylor swift (i was never THAT into her either though so it’s like oh wait i didn’t know you from the beginning instead of hello old friend but you’re different lol)

about the concerts, thanks 🥰🥰 that’s so sweet what you did for your mom too, it’s nice seeing them so happy like 🥲 awh AND GLEE IS AND WAS MY LIFE FOR A V V LONG TIME, i’ve been meaning to rewatch it for the longest time lmaooo but i’m just so lazy and it’s such a commitment... i’ll have to get emotionally involved again and idk if i want that rn. but i have a friend on instagram and she runs a glee fan account and it’s such a big part of her life i really don’t think i could ever be THAT obsessed with something. like another one of my friends loves tom holland so much that she changed her mom’s name in her phone to what tom’s mom’s name is in his phone (that was confusing lol) and obviously i’m not judging them AT ALL, it just couldn’t be me lol

CONCERTS LOOK LIKE SO MUCH FUN 😩😩 LIKE THE EXPERIENCE AND THE FEELINGGG URGHSJS i wanna see a few people live like ari and chloe x halle and- hmm.... idk who else FJDSJ rex orange county i guess huh anyway, the experience just sounds so amazing and the atmosphere is just ✨✨✨ yeah

aria do it do it do it do it do it- watch hamilton!! but with subtitles bc you won’t catch half of the things they’re saying without them LMAO (me and my family watched it and they all didn’t like it bc they didn’t know what was happening lol) BUT DONT WATCH IT AT 4AM LMAO ITS LITERALLY 3 HOURS LONG

yes!! superior peter fics 🥺🥺🥺🥺 and it just shows how much of an incredible writer AND PERSON you are through your fics that you can turn a blurb into 2k....... like what.

LMAO the annoying thing, sometimes i feel like i’m bothering people (like right now HAHAH) but i think it’s my antisocial side being like yeaa no one wants to talk to you like you wanna talk to them :’) idk it’s strange!! sometimes i get really ✨insecure✨ and overthink everything LOL like is this too long, im talking too much, i’m swearing too much, oh lord i’m a pain, all that good shit lmao so that’s fun:))

ALSO YOUR BLOG IS SO FUN TO ME HAHAK LIKE ITS JUST YOUR OWN AND I LOVE THAT!!! like you talk about everything and anything on here lol,, and i say that bc what you said lmao how if i was someone else i would want to fuck me so bad😭 i honestly don’t understand how i don’t have people lining up though..... but if no one’s gonna tell you... then you tell yourself, period (and sometimes telling yourself is fucking yourself HSHAJKS OK NEXT)

ohmigosh the realization you had that you graduated last year and are going to uni this year🤧 but the fact that you had a teacher who LEFT THE GROUP CHAT bc she was mad at y’all i- 😭 but yeah about your maths (i always wondered why you guys call it maths and the US calls it math. like i know so many people out of the states, not just in the uk that say maths) teacher- i saw this post that said online school is looking a lot like dora the explorer😭😭 “you have any questions?” 🦗 “okay bye then” lmao and please i love when tests have nothing to do with what you studied like ??? thanks? sometimes i get scared that my teacher will somehow find out that i googled everything? or like my answer is too close to the answer sheet or something. i get sooo nervous lol but i’m already past that point of not being able to do anything myself DHJS i mean i’m still learning like i said!! read the question, read the answer. boom. now i know the answer to the question and i learned!

THANKS 🙈🥰🤧 idk how else to explain my feelings LMAO i feel it’s cool that you find my dance lessons and voice lessons cool so thanks :’)

oh god not headache season 😭😭 allergies are the worst like it’s not even funny. is headache season just when the seasons are changing or is it like... all throughout the summer? cuz i love the summer lmaoo i love the winter too but i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO

GIRL IF THAT BIRD DONT STOP CHIRPING- i am 100% convinced that it is the same bird trying to give you headaches and no sleep and it needs to stfu 😤 and pLEASE ur theme is adorable and pretty and cute but also it just feels like you? idk if i’m explaining this right or if it’s bc i’ve been talking to you for a bit but it’s cute but not innocent in a way that i’m surprised that you write smut and- yeah, that didn’t make sense!! but ur new theme is gonna look pretty too and as long as you like it, it’ll be amazing🥰

yessssss the fact that megan is gonna be ur pfp YES JUST YES

edit: ok i just need to 🥺😭 sometimes u make me wanna cry cuz i feel like you’re just a kind person. i truly mean this, the fact that you celebrate yours & others stretch marks makes me so 🥺🥺🥺 i honestly don’t know anyone who has said they want need more stretch marks and it’s just all very lovely to me :’)) OKAY IMMA STOP BEING SAPPY

#yes my fake tags are back #by popular demand #aka me #and look i have actual tags this time! #i’m seriously craving water ice rn....... huh #but it’s past midnight and i fr fr want a snack #aw man #i wrote that last paragraph while doing my tags yes #and i hope you become responsible for that anon’s orgasm #assuming they had one #and i saw your response to the tom thing and yeaa when they only look like that for something and it’s like aw bae be yourself #i’m gonna shut up now and find a snack but goodnight!! morning?? IDK #IF THESE TAGS END UP AS ACTUAL TAGS I AM SO SORRY HAHAHA #alright proofreading done and i’m gonna go eat cereal

okay i‘m on my way to a driving lesson rn and afterwards i have a zoom uni thing, and then another uni thing lmao. but hopefully i can reply to this in between because i‘ve been dying to talk to you since i got this ask dldjds💘💘💘 (i really like this heart. i had a 💖 phase for a while and now it‘s 💘 (seems like a very romantic heart but.... it is what it is idk dkddj)

^okay that was literally all i wrote before my lesson lmfao. just had the worst driving lesson ever dbdvsnylkxsksj i think i‘ve gotten too used to being good at driving and now i‘ve gotten too cocky with it 🥴 anyway i‘ve had such a stressful day and overall week but tbh i‘m already feeling better bc i can (indirectly) talk to you <333

omg i went to chloe or halle (i don‘t remember who out of the two)‘s instagram the other day and found out that they are not twins alejeleksjsksj but yes oh my god their voices are literally angelic and i can‘t wait to see Halle as Ariel (Arielle??)🥰 and omg it‘s literally 2021 and we‘ve only had......... one(?) black Disney Princess like it‘s about fucking time (I might be forgetting someone, I‘m not too familiar with the new Disney films, but as far as I remember there‘s only Tiana right? (who is literally a frog for 3/4 of the film 😭😭) so yes i‘m here for it too😌😌😌 (obviously she‘s not a cartoon like tiana ekdlek but she‘s a disney princess you know what i mean ddkjdh)

pfkejdj i‘m already overwhelmed with my parents i can‘t imagine having siblings too 😭😭 (sometimes i wish i had siblings but then other times (like after reading what you wrote dksjj) i‘m glad that i‘m an only child lmao like your brothers being mean to you and i remember when you cried and he was just like 👁👄👁 ok. like i’m totally okay being an only child sksjsj———and he doesn‘t listen to music 🤧🤧🤧 (although i guess that‘s good for you because at least he can‘t annoy you by listening to loud music that you hate dmdn)

okay okay i might watch wandavision then??? I‘ll definitely let you know!!! and yes omg i‘m loving tfatws (that really is so fucking hard to type omg) but same i totally get what you mean, i‘m not used to watching action series at all and every episode so far has been like a little movie so i‘m glad that i didn‘t wait until it was all out cause there’s no way i could binge watch that lol) and yes last episode was really intense. i‘m glad that marvel are talking about racism because (from what i‘ve seen) they haven‘t been the best in that department, and i‘m really curious to see what they‘ll do in the next episodes (curious isn‘t the right word but excited isn‘t the right wort either, like i‘m excited but in a neutral way ? i‘ll shut up dslsksj i hate that german has so many words that you cant translate because theres a really good german word that describes how i’m feeling but i cant think of a good translation ugh)

okay i absolutely need to watch lion king (and part 2 and 1/ 1/2 dksksj) AND hamilton, i might even do it soon 👀

BURGERS AT THE CINEMA? EBEEISNDBEKSK i‘ll come to the US just to go and watch a movie lmaooo, i think all the popcorn sizes and drinks are bigger as well, i‘ll come and watch chaos walking with you 😌😌 does next week work?

and yeah i‘ve seen posts with specific time stamps and trigger warning for cherry too so if you haven’t looked on tumblr yet i’ve def seen some! (but ive also seen some on twitter and yeah- i mean idk youve probably looked on tumblr but yeah- then there’s also imdb which doesn’t have time stamps i believe but quite specific warnings, mostly without spoilers!)

Tbh i don‘t think i would have even considered watching cherry if tom wasn‘t in it... (i’m personally fine with most of the triggering topics/things like for some reason i’m just stoic when i’m watching the most tragic films ever dldldldlbut the plot just... idk if it‘s for me you know? just entertainment wise?).... and even with tom in it i‘m unsure skeldls, i‘d totally get if you decide not to watch it but let me know if you do i‘d want to hear your thoughts! <3

SKSLSJJ my sims both finally graduated!! i think i played sometime last week, and i literally got the achievement/notification that i‘d been playing with this household for 24hours.... and that was BEFORE they graduated dldjdldkdksjjs

oh no my tumblr broke and three paragraphs of me talking about sims were deleted 😭😭😭

WAIT NO I TOOK SCREENSHOTSSKSK because i couldn’t press save so i knew they might be gone okay okay okay i‘m a genius

*move out

oh no idk if the quality is too bad to read... idk how good your eyes are dkdkdjjd (also sometimes it will be really bad quality for some but not for others so i hope that the you can see the pics in a normal/good quality)

Okay let me continue

OMG THE ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL STUFF IS THE BEST PART ABOUT THE SIMS DIDLDKJIkdkj i kind of miss how in the sims 3 they would be making out basically lying on top of each other if they were on a bed— but in sims 4 when they‘re sitting next to each other and everything that‘s definitely hot too 😌😭 or with hot tubs dkdkdk how one sim climbs on the other sim‘s lap before they woohoo (i used to make them skinny dip in the hot tub and then make out and woohoo so they’re like naked on top of each other even if you can‘t see anything- en e waysss)

Dkdkdkdj so @ Rindfleischet.. blah bla. so it‘s basically just loads of individual words put together/connected and that‘s a really big part of german. so yesterday i had an online Einführungsveranstaltung for uni (like it was a zoom meeting where they just talked about general stuff about the uni and i was really anxious before, idk why, but it turned out absolutely fine so) and that words consists of the two words Einführung (introduction) and Veranstaltung (event) which are also two individual words but you can make a new word (Einführungsveranstaltung, so in english that‘s basically “introduction event“ lmao) by combining those two words. there are obviously some rules like you can‘t just combine random words in a random order but you can basically make infinite words (technically). for example (i feel like i‘m teaching a class just skip this if you don’t care 🙃🙃🙃djdjdkdlns)

for example i could say Einführungsveranstaltungsteilnehmer (which is not underlined with red by tumblr because it is a grammatically correct compound word (i think that‘s what they‘re called?)) which is the words introduction + event + participant, so that word just means “participant of an introductory event“ but instead it‘s one word? i hope that makes sense? dkdkkdksks i mean it makes sense in german but idk if it makes sense to you cause idk if i‘m explaining it very well lmao,

(I just deleted a really really long paragraph that i wrote about gender in the german language and grammar, you‘re welcome slsksksj)

my capacity to think has now been used up for the week 🥴🥴🥴 i absolutely do not blame you if you just skipped over that part or can‘t be bothered to (re)read my awful explanation edkflsksjdjdj (again, i had double the amount of words but i just deleted it dkdkdlslsl but what‘s left lf my german lesson is probably confusing enough already😭i‘m sorry🥴)

so to answer your question LEJDKSKJ: it‘s really common to have long words in german, words that are just word+ word+ word + word made into one long word. obv rindfleischetikettierung..... is a very extreme example and it‘s normally just 2-4 words made into one! So yup i think that comes mostly from german and talking german and growing up here and going to school here and everything dmdfnsksx

i think the best part about these is the chaos yet we understand what the other means 😌— YES. YES. Yes. I love that about us 😌😌🥰🥰/ I love us. Yes.

okay but your friend changing her mom‘s name into tom‘s mum‘s name (was that right? Dkdkdjh)—— so Justin Bieber once posted something where you could see that his Dad‘s number was saved as „Daddy Cakes“ (which, thinking back, sounds very weird ekejjej) and till this day I have my Dad��s contact name as Tata (which is serbian for Dad lmao), “Tata🍰“ in my phone because of it 😭😭😭😭🙃🙃🙃 it‘s not because of justin anymore like i‘ve just gotten used to it by now but at first i did it because of justin lol........ but nowadays i don‘t think i‘m THAT type of fan of anyone- like you know how people have fandom names (Justin‘s fans are the Beliebers, One Direction fans are Directioners (writing that hurt my soul💔💔💔)) and I wouldn‘t consider myself a fan of anyone like that. like even with tom i wouldn‘t call myself........ does tom even have a name for his fans??? Well if he does, I wouldn‘t call myself that. Like i used to be such a hardcore stan for any celebrity that i liked and now it‘s just... okay, i like em. (She says on her blog where she writes fan fiction about Tom Holland — WJDJEJDKELSKSKKSNSNDXB🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃)

Omg rex orange county!!!!!! I don‘t know that many songs like I‘ve only listened to the album pony, but i love it 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

thanks again for what you said about my fics/writing I‘m🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Pete Davidson Pete Davidson Pete Davidson I‘m-🥰🥰🥰🥰 and I can‘t explain why. But as blissfulparker said the other day (i don‘t want to tag her and make her read through all of this lolll) “I like my men when they look like they are on the brink of death 😍“ (or something along the lines of that) eskkejs okay pete isn‘t that bad, he looks quite good on some days but other days you‘re like... is this man alive? Like i don‘t want to be mean I love Pete so much The King of Staten Island is literally my favourite film ever (although it‘s not my #1 because of how he looks, but i mean he does look good) VUT ALSO

(Okay i was gonna look for a terrible picture of him but he really doesn‘t look as bad as people say??? like. i think he‘s hot. can‘t necessarily explain why. so that‘s that on that.)

i‘m not going chronologically right now (i just keep scrolling up to your ask and replying to whatever i see first sksksksh) so i might miss a thing or two that you said

Okay Stormzy, you really really don‘t have to dkdkdjd like i think you said you don‘t really listen to rap, and uk rap is a whole nother thing from us rap because of the accent i feel like??? (That sentence did not make sense) BUT if you‘re looking for a few songs that aren‘t like RAP rap, then I‘d recommend One Second (feat HER), Superheroes, Own it (which you might know?), ummm maybe the song Lessons?, he has a ton of Lion King references by the way dkdjdj for example in Rachael‘s Little Brother but that‘s like more RAP again if you know what I mean?😭 and it‘s also like 5 Minutes long and tbh i only started liking that song a year after that album came out lmao but Rachael‘s Little Brother is possibly my fav Stormzy song, then there is Shut Up which you absolutely need to listen to just for fun dldjdjd like it‘s just pure fun and also a little funny lmao, especially if you‘re not British (i imagine so at least) cause he‘s like shuTTTT up idk dldkdjdldkjdhdhfjfbfldlsksksks

Vossi Bop is one of his classics, and then maybeee - ok so there‘s Blinded By Your Grace Pt. 2 lmaoobdjsj it‘s very (Christian/) religious but i like it a lot even though i‘m not really Christian (at least not practicing or anything) so idk about your views on religion but i do like the song a lot just by like the sound lmao

Okay so again you absolutely DO NOT have to listen to any, especially not for me dlskdj but I really do recommend the songs Superheroes, One Second and Rachael‘s Little Brother (and all the other ones i mentioned but if you don‘t listen to a lot of his songs you should at least give these three a try <3333) also let me know some of your songs? 🥺 like i dont care who they‘re by but i‘d love to listen to some that you like and Recommend 🥰🥰🥰

Okay so skdjdjdjddhhddhdhjsk... I used to watch all of my series in German (like H2O) bc obviously they were on german tv so they were german- and i knew that most of these actors i saw on tv were american and i was always SO fascinated that they all learned german for this show??? Like I actually thought they were the people‘s real voices and that these English and American actors were learning german so they could re-record the whole ass show and do everything in german dkdkdldjdjjd... i swear I thought that until I was like 14 omg. And then the first time that I watched H2O in the original version i was sooo confused about their accents because to me all actors who spoke english were American?? I mean MOST of those shows are American so I wasn‘t completely off but yeah i was definitely caught off guard when I heard all of their Australian accents for the first time 💀💀😭😭😭

@ math vs maths, math actually makes more sense in my opinion. like you have the word mathematics, then the abbreviation would obviously be math... why would English people randomly add the s from the end??? Or maybe it makes more sense after all because it‘s like plural??? Now I‘m unsure dkdkdkdj but i do say maths because that‘s how i was taught to say it and i hear the word maths more than math but yeah dldkdjs i think math might even make more sense (okay i just tried saying math and maths is easier to pronounce but again tjat might just be me, oh god i‘ll stop talking about that disgusting thing (mathematics).)

not the crickets and dora LMAOOOSNSNSMDNBS yeah that teacher was... a lot. a lot a lot a lot didjjd but she kinda liked me so she always gave me good grades/marks but the people she didn‘t like..... ooft. OOF.

Fksksjsj idek about headache season like i just know that i get headaches from the sun and i‘m allergic to only one.. type of...pollen??? (I don’t understand the science of that whole pollen thing and idek if it’s called pollen in english i just know sex pollen from fan fics😔)and yeah we have this weird wind that makes a lot of people get headaches yeahd dkdkdj. i loved the i just love wearing as little clothes as possible LMAO lllioool i love that i really do. i always struggle so much in the summer cause i never have anything to wear. i feel like i buy so many new summer clothes every year but when i end up looking for an outfit i don‘t ever find anything 😭 (so i just go naked— lmao jk jk) but i‘m generally not the biggest fan of summer so-

OMG THIS FUCKING BIRD ISTG, okay the first time i heard it i went to sleep at like 5 am, so the next day i was like let me go to bed earlier so the bird doesn‘t keep me up, so i went to bed at 4 am (🥲) and THE BIRD JUST STARTED FUCKING CHIRPING SO LOUDLY, so the next day i went to bed at 3 am AND IT FUCKING STARTED AT 3 AM and it‘s still there 😁 every. night.

and since you said you‘ve gotten used to my theme and everything (idk where this transition came from😭) so tomorrow (2nd april) we have our... wait what‘s an anniversary but for a month.? I think month is like mensus in latin OK NO THATS DEF WRONG DKDKDJ wait

So Tomorrow is our... mensiversary💘💘💘💘💘💘 or at least from the first time you sent an ask. i couldn‘t find it on my tumblr anymore because tumblr is a bit of a bitch but i remember the first thing you ever sent (in an ask) was something lovely about my writing and i always take screenshots of stuff like that, and i found it in my gallery. and i took that screenshot of your ask on the 2nd of march so i‘m assuming that‘s when you sent it 🥰🥰 i feel like i‘ve known you for a week not a month like how is it a month already????? (i mean this in a good way lmao but i really can’t believe that its been a month wtf)

omg no you make me want to cry because i just love you so much 😭😭🥺 but about the stretch mark thing it‘s just.. it‘s not even me trying to empower other women (or anyone else who has stretch marks) to shake off these dumb insecurities that the patriarchy and capitalism have instilled in us— ok no it‘s definitely that too lmao. But i mean I‘ve always loved stretch marks, i‘ve just always loved loved loved them so much so it makes me genuinely sad that people don‘t like them. so yeah. i dont really know how to explain it lol, like i‘m not (only) hoping that people realise that hating your stretch marks is giving the men and the patriarchy what they want per se- (that made no sense) it‘s just because i love stretch marks and think they‘re beautiful and also sexy. idk dldkdjls and omg the fact that you called me kind 🥺🥺🥺 like i don‘t really have a goal in life or anything, but if i had to choose a ‘goal‘ in life it would just be to be kind. (i‘ll end this here otherwise i‘m gonna talk about being kind for 30 more lines—)

And please. Do not ever feel like you‘re annoying me or sending too much. never ever ever. I get so happy when i see that you‘ve sent me an ask. No matter if it‘s a long one like this or just a short one where you‘re saying something about a post that i reblogged or something. I love hearing from/about you and talking to you 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘💘

P.S: i‘m so sorry for the tags you‘re about to read they make even less sense than this post, also i reached the tag limit dkdkdj but i said some butterfly tattoos look tacky... and the next thing i said was since we‘re already speaking about Ariana- I DID NOT MEAN THAT SHE WAS TACKY dldkdjsj, i meant since you already mentioned some of her tattoos lmao

#lovely anon #<3 #ALSO I LOVE YOUR TAGS SM DKDJDKDL #i definitely (accidentally) didn‘t say something about every single thing you said #but this is so long already and i don‘t want to force you to read even more of my shite dldkdjsj #(i dont day shite i say shit but sometimes shite sound funnier)#*say #omg its too mate to speak english what i meant was i‘m sire i forgot to adress some of the things you said but i tried my best iwjwskb #omg adress (address? lmao) sounds so negative i mean i‘m sure i forgot to reply to some things- also *late not mate loool #omg ignore my whole german lesson i cant believe i actually wrote all of that wtf #but it took me like 20 minutes so i don‘t want to delete it 😭#and omg i hope you got to re do everything that your sims game didnt save and that it all worked out the same #😭#I NEARLY DELETED THIS ASK WITJ MY ANSWER OH MYFUCKING GOD MY FUCKING HEART #also i realised i didnt say anything at all about uni but i dont have any news like that Einführungsveranstaltung (😭) I went to was literall #just about schedules and credits and boring stuff mostly lmao #oh and tattoos!!!! it sucks that you might not be able to get the ones that you want/get any :((((( but hopefully you can at least get some #that arent in colour? 🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼#so my parents aren‘t that supportive either like they most definitely wouldnt pay for it (even though they pay for a lot of my stuff lmao)#but i think in the end they know that i‘m old enough and they can‘t stop me and they‘d accept it one day so they‘re definitely not THAT bad #maybe your parents will change their mind over time? :(#or maybe youll just get one one day and ig theyll have to get used to it lol #so i want a butterfly (thats the only thing that i‘m sure about) and there are a lot of butterfly tattoos that look really tacky #but speaking of her i actually really like ariana‘s butterfly! but idk if i want that much shading- i have a whole album with like 35 photos #of just butterfly tattoos lol- i‘ll stop here tho. ldkdkd #omg im rereading this all and it‘s so messy good luck dkdkkddl #my tags got messed up and idk how to fix it #wait did i reach the tag limit and you cant even see half of these? 😭😭😭#i‘m so confused about these tags why are they not in the correct order? 😭😭😭 ily snd i‘m so sorry for dropping this post on you none of it #none of it makes sense.

7 notes · View notes

begluketostay · 4 years

Text

don’t wanna fall in love (c.h.)

summary: you don’t want to give him your heart but he already has it

author’s note: haven’t read the entire thing yet through and edited, so there may be some mistakes. just wanted to get this out there because i’m tired of staring at it :) also, ironically, i listened to the song wicked game by chris isaak on repeat while writing this but couldn’t name it that bc i named my last oneshot after wicked game by the weeknd oops

word count: 4038

You remember the night you met Cal.

He was all smiles and chubby cheeks and drunken happy dancing as you all celebrated the birthday of a friend.

You were used to meeting famous people - living in Los Angeles had made the glamour and shininess of celebrities wear off, and while you were starstruck your first couple years there, you were used to it now. Having friends in the music business gave you the in to meet so many people, and you often found they were just like everybody else, only they had a lot more money and the freedom to do whatever the fuck they wanted.

So having a half-drunken hookup with Calum wasn’t anything significant at the time. It was just like hooking up with anyone else.

Except that he actually called you like he said he would afterwards.

And then he started inviting you to more parties and kickbacks and hangouts.

And then you actually started getting kind of… attached.

It was foolish of you. While celebrities were like everyone else to you, they were different in one way: they were undateable. You’d sworn off ever getting into a relationship with a celebrity, especially any musicians, because you knew the paparazzi and the traveling and the pressure and the fans would be too much. It just wasn’t the lifestyle you wanted to commit yourself to forever.

That’s why you can’t stop feeling a twist in your stomach as Calum gets closer and closer to you, arms nearly touching as you’re all bunched up in the corner talking at another one of Ashton’s house parties. Luke says something dumb and everyone is laughing, but your head is somewhere else, fixating on the heat of Calum’s skin barely brushing yours and hoping that no one here can read minds or else you’re screwed.

Calum presses his elbow into your side, looking at you with his brows furrowed. “You good?” he mouths over the music, concern on his face. You’re normally pretty talkative, but you haven’t said a thing during this conversation.

You nod, taking a sip out of the beer in your hand and trying your hardest to focus on the discussion at hand as Luke and Sierra argue over who got the most drunk at Ashton’s last party.

“I’ll be right back,” you say before you sneak away to the kitchen, finishing off your beer and throwing it in the trash and opening the fridge to get a new one. You take a deep breath and try to collect yourself.

You know Calum is off limits to you, that it will only end in heartbreak for the both of you, and that you can’t let that happen. But it’s so hard to focus when he’s around you, and it’s almost like you’re starting to forget what would be so bad about getting your heart broken by him. You’d have the pleasure of having him for at least a little while.

A deep breath and another sip of beer has you feeling composed enough to go back and rejoin the circle of your friends, but they’ve dispersed now and you’re left trying to track down someone you know in the packed house.

A pair of arms wraps around you from behind, lifting you up in the air and swinging you around. Your squeals stop as soon as they put you down, and you already know that when you turn around you’re going to find a head of bleached blonde hair and full lips turned up in laughter.

“Cal!” you swat him, rolling your eyes. “You could’ve made me spill my beer,” you pout.

“Ah, but I didn’t,” he points out with a smirk on his face. “I’m talented at what I do.”

You smile unamused, shaking your head at him.

“You alright though? You looked a little out of it earlier,” he mentions.

“Yeah, just a bit tired. Long day at work,” you shrug, “but I didn’t wanna miss the party.”

He studies you, seeing the tired lines under your eyes and wishing that he could make them disappear. He knows how hard you work and how important your job is and thinks that it’s so badass that you do what you do. He thinks it’s badass that even though you have such a hard job, you can still outdrink the rest of them and light up the room when you walk in.

“Wouldn’t be a party without you,” he nods. “That’s why I noticed ya when we first met. You were the life of the party.”

You can see the truth in his eyes as he speaks and it makes you want to melt into him. He makes it so hard to resist him.

“Oh, shut up,” you groan, bumping your shoulder against his playfully.

After a while, people are starting to leave, slowly trickling out until it’s only those who are close friends left in the living room, sitting on the couches and so deep in conversation that they don’t even notice the room emptying out.

“I’m not ready to go home,” Calum sighs, looking around. “I get a little lonely after drinking so much wine. Not totally sure I should be going home and sitting in the dark,” he admits, eyes flickering to yours to try and gauge your reaction.

You kick the ground with the toe of your shoes, trying to decide if you should offer him to join you tonight, not sure if it would be a good idea. But when you look up and see those chocolate eyes, genuine hesitation and loneliness in them, you don’t care if it’s a bad idea anymore. You want to protect him from all things sad.

“You could come to mine for a bit?” you suggest, biting your lip. “We can watch a movie or something maybe,” you shrug. His eyes light up with warmth at the offer. He nods.

“Alright.”

--------------------

You pop open a bottle of red wine as you and Calum settle on the couch, pouring each of you a glass to sip on as he searches for something to put on the tv. His arms flex just slightly each time he clicks on the remote and you can’t peel your eyes off of him. You look up and realize he’s turned towards you, asking your opinion on a show, and you know he’s caught you staring by the way the end of his sentence just kind of fades out. His eyes are latched onto you now.

The air feels like it’s thickening around you and you can’t bring yourself to tear your eyes away from him. It was much easier when the two of you weren’t alone in the silence of your empty apartment.

“You’re something else tonight,” Calum bites his bottom lip and shakes his head. “God, you know exactly what you do to me.”

“What do I do to you?” you ask.

“Make it feel like all the air is sucked out of the room,” he admits. “Like I can’t breathe.”

You adjust yourself in your seat, looking down at the floor. You know where this is going to go, and you’re not sure you can handle it if it does.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he affirms. “Ever since I met you. God, you don’t even realize how you are,” he laughs. “You light up the room when you walk in. Can’t ever keep my eyes off you.”

He’s spent weeks thinking about your drunken hookup, wishing he had been softer and sweeter and savored your lips on his body. Wishing he’d gotten you out of the dress you’d been wearing and been able to see you and feel you all the way. There were so many things he’d have done differently now.

“You don’t care that I’m famous or that I have money or any of that shit. You still call my ass out and put me in my place and drive me crazy,” he chuckles. “I’ve been trying to make moves for weeks now and you keep pulling away from me and acting like we’re just friends, but I... I can’t be just friends with you.”

You bite your lip, not sure how to answer him. You know that what you want, more than anything in this moment, is him.

But it’s not that simple.

Your last heartbreak was so hard to get over. It took months and months of tears and distractions and drunken nights out at bars and fake smiles to get you to a point where you could even live your life normally again. And you already liked Calum more than it was healthy, way more than you’d ever liked any boy this early on.

You knew if you gave in, if you let him in, that he would have the total power to absolutely wreck you. He’d be able to crumple your heart in his fist and throw it away. It was terrifying.

And you knew how much he’d be on the road, especially having just released an album. As soon as he’d get back home, he’d have to be busy in the studio. Every time the two of you would go out, there would be pictures and camera flashes and crazy fans. You’d have to put your social media on private and remember how to calculate time zone differences and become best friends with facetime and heartache.

The soft, hesitant touch of Calum’s hands against your face bring you back to the present. The calluses on his palm are rough against your cheek and you fight off a shiver as your eyes go to his. There’s a softness in them, and you’ve never seen Calum look so… afraid.

“I really like you,” he murmurs. “I know it’s scary.”

You nod in agreement. It is scary.

He hasn’t dated anyone in a long time. It wasn’t because he hadn’t wanted to or he didn’t have the opportunity - there were plenty of decent girls that he’d crushed on over the years. But he didn’t want to put them through the pain of dating him. He knew that there were a lot of unfair things that came with a relationship with him. He felt guilty and ashamed asking someone to deal with all the baggage of loving someone always on the road.

You nod.

“I know it’s not fair of me to ask you for anything. I know I’ll be gone a lot and it’s not ideal. But I really like you.”

You sigh, closing your eyes as his fingers trace patterns on the skin behind your ears comfortingly. He’s so soft and safe and cozy, even when his shirt smells like beer and his heart is racing.

“I don’t wanna fall in love,” you whisper. Your eyes are still closed at your confession, and you feel so small and vulnerable. “I know you’ll be able to break my heart and I know I won’t recover if you do.”

He shifts and pulls you closer to him until your face is in his neck and your knees are curled up in his lap. No words are exchanged as the two of you sit in the quietness of your living room, breathing in each other’s air.

“I won’t break your heart,” he murmurs against the top of your head. His hand is moving up and down your back slowly, heating your entire body with every movement. “Wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I did.”

“No one ever means to break someone’s heart,” you say.

“I know,” he kisses the top of your head.

And then he kisses the top of your ear, and your cheek, and his hand lightly grips your chin and tilts you up to face him before he kisses you right on the lips.

He’s soft and sweet and the opposite of everything he was the last time he kissed you. There’s no rush now, and you’re both filled with red wine instead of vodka, soft and sleepy as your lips meet over and over again.

He pulls you into his lap, your legs wrapping around his waist as he lets his fingers trail up and tangle themselves in your hair. You let yourself relax into him, his tongue parting the seam of your lips and you open your mouth to him, letting him explore you. Instead of rough tongues battling for dominance like last time, it’s a timid exploration. He wants to memorize what every part of you feels like.

One of his hands lowers until it slides down into the back pocket of your jeans, cupping the curve of your backside and holding on tightly. You arch your back against him, and he moves his mouth from your lips to your neck, pulling you close until your chest is pressed flush against him and his teeth nip at your throat.

Ever so slowly, he plants kisses all the way down your throat, soft and light against your skin, until he reaches your collarbone, leaving little marks against you as he goes.

“Please,” he whispers against your skin, and you can feel every movement of his lips brush against your chest. “Tell me you want me.”

“Cal -” you start.

“No,” he whispers, cutting you off. “Don’t think about anything else. Think about right now. Do you want me?”

You grasp at the short hair on his head, pulling on it to raise his head to look at you. You nod, and that’s the only answer he needs. He reaches behind you and grabs the bottom of your top, pulling it over your head swiftly before he reattaches his mouth to your chest, suckling the skin exposed by the top of your bra as you hold him close. Warm fingers dig into the skin of your back, feeling around for the clasp of your bra and unhooking it. Slowly, gingerly, he slides the straps down your arms and drags the fabric off of you.

There’s a breeze across your chest and you feel even more exposed and vulnerable, but it feels right to open yourself up to him like this. He lips close around a nipple, tongue swirling it over and you throw your head back, mouth open as you hold back soft whimpers.

His hands are moving all over you, desperate to feel every inch of you before you change your mind. You reach down and yank his shirt off to you and press your bodies together to feel the warmth of the skin to skin contact, lips meeting once again as he reaches down to unbutton your jeans. Legs still wrapped around his waist, he stands and rushes to your bedroom, barely able to get the door open in his frenzy.

You’re laid down on the bed and he’s hovering over you, unzipping you and pulling the jeans carefully down, pressing soft kisses on the skin of your legs as it becomes exposed. Once the fabric is finally off, he makes his way back up, stopping to press his lips softly over the center of your underwear, just barely enough pressure for you to feel it, but it’s enough to send goosebumps across your body.

Lips meet again in a tangled frenzy, soft and slippery and yearning for each other, and you don’t even take the time to breathe between kisses anymore. It’s getting frantic and desperate and you’re not sure how much longer you can keep your hands off of him. Your nails scratch down his back as his mouth engulfs you and his arms wrap around your waist, pulling you as close as he can possibly get you.

“You want me?” he asks again, breathless and lust-filled. You nod again, but that’s not enough for him this time. “Say it,” he commands. “Say you want me.”

“I want you,” you breathe.

“How badly?” he continues.

Truthfully, you want him so badly it feels like you could burst. So you grab the back of his neck and try to pull him back to you, hips lifting upwards desperate for contact. He pulls away, unsatisfied.

“How badly?” he repeats, pushing your hips down against the mattress.

“So bad, Cal,” you sigh. “Please - just c’mere,” you practically beg, still trying to pull his face back to yours.

Content with that answer, he kisses you again, but his hand is snaking down and teasing you over your underwear with light, delicate touches. You moan out, and his pants get a little tighter just from hearing you.

His fingers dance over the skin of your inner thighs, leaving ghosts of traces where you want him most until you’re almost writhing beneath him.

“Please,” you whimper again, and it spurs him on enough to finally add some pressure, pushing down and rubbing on the little bundle of nerves right below the only fabric you’re wearing.

He yanks your underwear off impatiently now and lets his fingers explore the most secret part of you, feeling the wetness on your outer lips before spreading them and collecting more of the juice on his fingers. You’re moaning and he’s moaning and you’re both lost in the exploration of your body.

He reaches a hand up slowly and sucks on his fingers, tasting you for the first time. You watch as his lips pucker around his fingers and he takes them out, holding them up to your lips right after for you to do the same thing. It’s strangely arousing, tasting yourself and his mouth at the same time, and it feels so intimate.

When he pulls his fingers out of your mouth, he presses his forehead against yours and kisses the tip of your nose so lightly. “So pretty,” he murmurs, and the moment is so soft and tender and it feels like time has frozen and then suddenly his fingers are back against you and moving in fast circles until you’re left unable to breathe.

“Oh my god,” you gasp when he slowly plunges his fingers into you, moving around and stretching you out. He’s slow and steady, curling his fingers and testing different methods until you grab onto his arm, nails digging into the skin, and moan loudly, mouth thrown open and back arched, and he knows he’s found the right spot.

His arms are flexing deliciously, muscles and veins popping out, as he continually hits that spot inside you with his fingers, watching eagerly as you become more and more unhinged and desperate beneath him.

You’re still holding back, and he can tell. “C’mon,” he mumbles against you. “It’s okay, I’m right here. Let go,” he encourages you, and it’s what you need, because you’re becoming undone and gasping and groaning and writhing and he’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life than this.

“Good girl,” he kisses your forehead and you slump against the mattress, skin growing sticky with sweat.

“Cal,” you whisper, reaching for him until he brings his lips back to yours. You wrap your arms around him and feel his skin beneath the palms of your hands, craving his touch. His pants are still on, but you’re determined to change that as you reach to undo them, attempting to pull them off his hips, but he stands up and gets them off himself. Much faster that way.

He’s rock hard from the show you’ve put on and desperate to get inside you. He pushes away your hands and positions himself right above you, lining himself up.

“I wanna do it right this time,” he says seriously, looking you in the eyes and swallowing. “Wanna go slow. ‘S that okay?”

You close your eyes, so ridiculously turned on by the fact that he wants to go slowly and carefully with you, heart fluttering at the effect this boy has on you. You nod and moan as you feel him against you, coating himself in your juices before slowly pushing in. You feel every inch of him as he lets his hips move forward, both of your mouths hanging open as you take it in.

“Feel so fucking good,” he groans lowly, stopping once his entire length is inside you and breathing. You’ve never felt this full before. He pauses there for a moment to allow you to adjust to all the stretching before he starts to move, pulling his hips back before rolling them forward again.

He reaches for your hands and pins them above your head, fingers intertwined as he continues his movements, rocking in and out of you at a steady rhythm.

This is the opposite of the last time he had been inside you. Before it was frantic and drunk and sloppy, but this time it was calm, careful.

You feel so safe with him, engulfed in his body as he shows you how much he wants you in the best way he knows how. Your foreheads press together and your arms wrap around his back, pulling his chest up against yours as you both lose yourselves in each other, panting and crying out as you reach your highs.

He rolls off of you, pulling you to the side to curl up next to him, not wanting to break the contact between you even though you’re both covered in sweat. When you look at him, you agree that it does feel like all of the air is sucked out of the room, just like he said.

You know it’s too late to keep your heart out of it now. It’s already too late. You know that you’ll break your own heart if you try to stop what’s already started now, so you have no choice to give in.

“Don’t break me,” you whisper against him.

“Never,” he smiles softly, kissing the top of your head and closing his eyes, happy with you in his arms.

------------------------------

You smile at your phone as Calum’s face pops on the screen, your nightly FaceTime waiting.

It’s been hard with him on tour, especially with your relationship being so new, but it’s been okay so far. You miss him at night, having gotten used to him staying over each night for the few weeks before he left, and he misses waking up next to you in the morning instead of in a new hotel bed, cold and alone.

The FaceTimes were holding both of you over for now until he flew you out for one of the shows in the next few weeks.

“Hey,” Calum’s bright smile filled your screen, camera way too close to his face. “There’s my girl,” he smiles softly, proud to be able to call you that.

“Of course,” you respond, pushing the hair out of your face as you look into the camera and examine yourself. Your eyes look happier. You can tell. “What are you up to?”

He raises the camera and shows the room he’s sitting in, plopped on a couch by himself as the boys are messing around in the background. “Just got to the venue for tonight, we’re just setting some things up,” he says. You can see Luke and Michael play fighting behind Calum and laugh.

“Seems like you guys are having fun,” you chuckle as Michael falls to the ground overdramatically.

Calum nods as he looks over at his friend, but gets up off the couch and moves out of the room, walking to what looks like an empty concrete hallway. “Yeah, it’s fun,” he says, “but I miss ya. Wish you were here to make it more fun.”

“Just a couple more weeks,” you sigh.

“Thanks for putting up with me traveling and the phone calls at weird hours and the sporadic texts,” he mumbles, still feeling guilty.

“Hey,” you coo. “Don’t apologize. It’s worth it.”

You know in your heart that it is worth it, that he’s worth it and your relationship is worth it. You’ve fully accepted that he has your heart and all the power to break it, but you trust that he won’t.

And Calum knows as he looks at the sparkle in your eye and feels his heart pang in his chest that he won’t ever break your heart.

He knows that if he breaks your heart, his would break as well. So for now, you’d just have to trust each other and finally let yourselves fall in love.

130 notes · View notes

fmdsimon · 3 years

Note

20-30

idol life and career meme : not accepting

did you enjoy the lifestyle of a trainee or of a debuted idol more?

“i don’t think i can really say much about this yet. i’ve been a trainee for around six years, but only a debuted idol for two months, everything is still so new that it seems amazing and overwhelming. evenifi say idol life now, that might change in the future when i get accustomed to everything after all. right now it seems like the dream come true, but even dreams become daily life some day. that’s just how it is even though it’s sad. but in the end i think i’d still pick life as a debuted idol over life as a trainee, because it’s much easier for me to accomplish my goal of making people smile like this, and it will continue to be so in the future.”

what one song or album by another group or soloist would you have liked to release yourself?

“bohemian rhapsody. nothing will ever get as iconic as that one song, so imagine being the creator behind it. i don’t know a single person who doesn’t know it or have at least heard of it even if they don’t know the lyrics or melody. as for kpop songs... i really like charm’s smile flower or pinwheel. i’ve always really liked listening to ballads and charm has some amazing ones that really show off their vocal talent. i really admire them.”

describe your dream sub-unit (members and concept).

“we’re already such a small group that if you were to take away some of our members we’d barely remain! i think it would be really cool though maybe for a concert or something to do accoustic arrangements of some of our songs! like i can imagine a really emotional rendition of nap of a star. i’d pick me, hyun ( @fmddaehyun ), and blue ( @fmdkyubok ) for this. and then haru ( @fmdharu ) and rioh ( @fmdrioh ) could do some amazing dance performance and show off their real talent! both of them are so good at dancing i’m sure they might even go viral for it if they had a chance to let loose as they please!”

out of the following six options, would you rather be allowed to play a major hand in the lyrics, production, choreography, styling, music videos, or concepts you release?

“definitely lyrics. lyrics have always mattered a lot to me because they’re the whole essence of the song, the meaning, the interpreation. you can really capture emotions with lyrics and make people listen to your songs in a whole different way and relate to it. that’s why i like our title track crown so much myself. i think it’s a very relateable song and that it has a really good message, and i really hope we can continue making songs like that in the future!”

which of the two other companies (out of bc, dimensions, and gold star) you are not currently signed under would you rather be an artist in?

“hm, both of them have their ups and downs so it’s kind of hard to pick... in the end i think that it doesn’t as much depend on the company but the group you’re in. if you have awful chemistry with your team mates it doesn’t matter where you are, it’ll still be just as bothersome. but for the sake of picking one, i’d pick dimensions, that’s where my best friend is after all!”

what is your least favorite part of being an idol?

“that has to be the fact that we have little control over ourselves. i know we signed a contract on this, but the moment you sign that you kind of sell away your entire self down to your personality. we are owned by our company and if we dare to even think out of line it won’t go about unpunished. i don’t like it but at the same time i deal with it. i don’t matter really, i’ve sold my soul for other’s sake and that’s the only thing that matters to me.”

what is your favorite part of being an idol?

“that’s easy. the fan interactions. even if what we’re selling through fansigns and stuff like that is just the image the fans want to see, i think there’s also something real in that image. others might not agree with me, but i don’t think you can build a character without putting at least some of yourself into it. if you did, you would either lose the facade along the way or lose yourself in the facade. of course i can’t tell this to the fans, but dealing with them is kind of bothersome. but even if it is, i also look forward to it, because seeing their happy faces when they encounter us makes it all the worthwhile!”

would you rather be incredibly famous with a terrible reputation and hated by most or be fairly unknown with a good reputation and adored by those who know of you? why?

“interesting. i think most people would pick the latter here, no? it makes sense, i don’t think anyone would want to be hated... which is why i’m probably weird for picking the first. i don’t really care about myself or my image -- it’s not that i care about fame either, but if i’m completely unknown then i can’t reach out to everyone like i want to. i want the whole world to know who i am after all. it might be selfish and it might not make much sense if the world is going to hate me, but if i can discard myself for the sake of others then it’s fine. maybe it’s even easier to laugh at someone you hate because it’s satisfying!”

what moment in your career are you proudest of so far?

“i can’t really say my career has a lot of moments so far in the first place, so there might be other more memorable moments along the way that i don’t know of yet, but so far it definitely has to be getting into the top five in hot topic. was the show rigged from the get go? i don’t know and honestly i don’t care. i deserve this spot too and since no one knows either way, i might as well have made it in by my own effort... i wish more people would see it that way, but we have got quite a bit of criticism before we even debuted. people complaining that their favourite contestants didn’t make it in and using the rumours as an excuse to assume the results would have been different for them otherwise. but they aren’t the results are as they are and nothing is going to change that. it’s bittersweet in a way, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s the moment that defined us as vive, and i am incredibly proud of us for that.”

what have you learned about yourself and/or society since becoming a celebrity?

“for myself i guess i got surprised at how greedy i can be. before i joined hot topic i was ready to give up on idol life and just accept the fact that i was just going to end up with an ordinary day job as a salaryman or something like that. but when i started getting recognition i started wanting more and more. it felt amazing. to watch everyone’s eyes on me and to have everyone cheer for me. i love that. i want to feel that feeling much more from here on out; to have vive achieve incredible things and show everyone who doubted us that we are indeed the nation’s handpicked group and that they were not wrong in choosing me or any of the others.”

what would you like to change about how society views or treats idols?

“this is a bit difficult because a lot of things could be changed if you ask me. but if i have to pick one thing, i think i’d do something about how readily people trust rumous. anyone can post anything online, and suddenly you become a trashy human being for something you may not even have done. if someone says you looked at them the wrong way in primary school, suddenly there’s rumous about you being a school bully, if you treat a girl nicely suddenly you’re dating. that kind of thing. we have no room for mistakes and that’s fair i guess -- we are supposed to be painted as some kind of superhumans who can do no wrong, but sometimes you don’t even make a mistake and then you’re going down.”

#character study: meme #character study: headcanon #fmdmeme001

1 note · View note

meibemeibelline · 4 years

Text

highlights from that 32k word doc i wrote when i marathoned gazette’s songs (2002-2007)

PART 2 | PART 3

Some quick notes:

This is a combo of thoughts on music, lyrics and sometimes just funny things I found while I was hurriedly typing at 11pm listening to these songs. Not every song will be featured in these, sorry

At times I directly quote translations and when I do I’ll specify who I’m quoting, but just so you know first they are all either Defective Tragedy, Heresiarchy or Trauma Radio

Also, I’m planning on writing some longer essay-type things with these notes so there might be some things I skip over (such as a recurring theme in their songs) bc I want to use them elsewhere

CONTENT WARNING FOR LYRIC DISCUSSIONS: suicide (Ganges ni Akai Bara). i will bold the title so you can skip it if you want. it’s one paragraph long

HHHH this is already 2k words but anyway hope u enjoy my ramblings

“I’d have to take a break from feminism to appreciate [Akai One Piece]”

“His delivery is still highly emotional and [Okuribi] overall is really emotional. Like the fact you can still hear and FEEL the sheer bittersweet feelings (mostly sadness) of someone you love passing away is like...really telling of 2002 gazette’s potential”

(Doro Darake no Seishun) “Bitch Aoi and Uruha are serving LOOKS like the red tartan blazer with the black shorts???? And Uruha with the red tank top and the pleather skirt with the garters THE OTHER GIRLS WISH THEY WERE HIM”

(Haru ni Chirikeri, Mi wa Kareru de Gozaimasu) “it’s about a flower that’s in love with a one-winged butterfly, and i imagine the point is that even though they sing songs for each other, they’re just so different that they don’t understand each other and they can’t be together. and they’re just...fated to end, and maybe try again next spring. and you can see that in human relationships too.”

“Akuyuukai i think is such a significant turning point musically like i just FELT a significant shift where they were really painting with their music and having it be more closely connected with the lyrics”

“[Linda Candydive Pinky Heaven] is a happy and fun song!! it’s doro darake no seishun’s cuter and cooler older sister. this also gave me a lot of serotonin and i’m glad this is a classic. it’s also this band’s first fan song (or closest to a fan song) and i think it’s quite meaningful because they were picking up as a band and were starting to really connect with people which is always so so great. and i think it’s cool that many songs before this were fun songs to jam out to but linda is specially DEDICATED to that. it’s so carefree and i think like...this is the exact thing many musicians love about performing and what fans love about concerts. it’s the escapism and just the SPACE to be yourself and have fun. it’s so freeing.”

(Black Spangle Gang) “I can’t believe GazettE were doing 2005 Miyavi before Miyavi did 2005 Miyavi”

(The Murder’s TV) “I think it’s cool how playful they make it sound -> like a creepy show that kids might see and the last chorus is pretty good. it’s a bop AND THE BASS AND GUITAR SOLOS SLAP. The lyrics are really interesting too and I LOVE the way Ruki embodies them with his voice”

“BITCHHH MAD MARBLE HELL VISION SLAPS. THIS IS WHAT I CALL NOISE MUSIC!!!!!!!”

“The composition on Kawareta Haru, Kawaneru Haru is actually SO good (and the costumes are fucking ICONIC). And Ruki is STILL getting better at singing. The chorus is melodic and the effects on the guitar just go so well like I think the others (probably since Akuyuukai actually) have been really getting to play with all sorts of effects on their instruments to make this new variety of sounds which is super rad. AOI SOLO SUPERIORITY BTW.”

“Indie gazette really love their key changes in the bittersweet songs in the last choruses.”

“Comparing the lyrics of [Sumire] to many of the last ‘goodbye’ songs, there’s a lot more imagery and scene-painting as opposed to like, just direct thoughts and feelings. And that’s really Ruki developing as a writer, I think, as his lyrics are becoming more subtle and open to different interpretations which is super cool! Like this is really him finding his voice and I know he’s going to be doing more of this over the years.”

“ANATA NO TAME NO KONO INOCHI SLAPS BUT THE LYRICS ARE FUCKED. LIKE, I KNEW THIS FROM THE BEGINNING BUT I REALLY WISH I WAS JARED, 19.”

“I LOVE MISEINEN SO FUCKING MUCHHHHH. I can only begin to imagine just HOW significant this song is for Ruki. This is him acknowledging his weaknesses and his flaws, looking around him and seeing the people he has, he writes about what he’s afraid of, he writes about how he’s going to change and move forward, what is MOST VALUABLE to him. This is A LOT. This is A LOT for anyone. It is a song about GROWTH – how he wants to grow yet is terrified of change, but even so is going to do it with the help of his support system. This is EVERYTHING. It’s raw and brave and so very beautiful. It has Wakaremichi and BEST FRIENDS energy. These three songs are best friends. And also like, for the last couple of releases Ruki’s been doing lots of wordplay and metaphors and using euphemisms, but this set of lyrics is just completely honest and STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART. Like, there ARE metaphors and symbols but he’s talking COMPLETELY about himself and his FEELINGS. I get emo whenever I listen to this song.”

(Carry?) “Apparently it’s about Frankenstein’s monster, so I guess this is another Concept Song. So this explains the flat vocals – the monster is undead but also…very sad and confused about what it is and its place in the world. ISN’T THAT ALL OF US ON SOME LEVEL…HAHA…”

“Zakurogata no Yuutsu is that 2010 fb meme where someone sees their partner right before going into a heart surgery only to wake up to find they’re gone and the doctor is like ‘omg who do you think gave you the heart😔’”

“WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID I SLEEP ON HANAKOTOBA. THIS IS AOI SONG SUPERIORITY. THE GUITAR SOLO IS ALSO GORGEOUS. Also love what he did with the melody getting higher in the end when the narrator questions the existence of the love they lost. AND THEY DIDN’T RESOLVE THE FUCKING CHORD PROGRESSION OHHH MY GODDDD BECAUSE “I’LL WITHER AWAY, NEVER KNOWING THE ANSWER” //THROWS. THESE GENIUSES. THIS IS THE BEST SONG ON THE ALBUM SO FAR AND THAT’S👏ON👏AOI👏SUPERIORITY👏Also I know that, literally, Hanakotoba is a flower on the side of the road but LISTEN. This is a soul that just wants love...This is the anthem for us lonely invisible bitches <3 This song has the MOST yearning. Thank u Aoi for my life. Like he is TRULY the composer with the most emotionality.”

(Tokyo Shinjuu) “I LOVEEEE THE BASS. This has a very old, classic Japanese style and it’s just…so good. You can really hear it in the melody. Also there’s just something SO feminine about it and I KNOW it’s that classic Japanese sound and like…god I love this gender bending with music. I adore the guitars too I think there’s such a good balance between them.”

(Shichigatsu no Youka) “I love how the lyrics are between sections too – the most emotional parts are in the big, emotional chorus, and the verses are more mellow when the narrator is sort of…more detached and Not Crying… The guitar melodies are really pretty and the solo is just GORGEOUS. It’s such a bittersweet song as well (god GazettE just do bittersweet EXTREMELY WELL) like bruh…already being sad over a breakup and OH DOUBLE WHAMMY THEY’VE MOVED ON like. Ruki sweetie I’m so sorry.”

[a rant about how I know Saraba is well-meaning and is about the peace and unity of a nation and is EXPLICITLY anti-war which I can definitely appreciate but my Chinese ass was just NOT having the whole painting the Japanese army as heroes deal]

(Reila) “Ruki’s vocals are SO GOOD here. ALSO YELLING AT THE BASS AND KICK DRUM BEFORE THE SECOND VERSE WITH THE PIANO. THE WAY THE KICK DRUM PANS THRU THE EARS. MOTHERFUCKER. AND THEN TO COME IN WITH THE GUITAR SOLO HOW DARE!!!!! YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THIS!!!!!”

“COCKROACH SLAPS. Love that he reframes being compared to a cockroach as like, resilient (I’ll never break through -> I want to believe I’ll break through), and he’s embracing his crudeness and taking a huge dose of PHUCEMOL.” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Sugar Pain) “God Aoi’s intro though………..I HATE THE BREATHING SO MUCH. No I’m actually really angry right now why is it actually good. YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE GOOD.” (I then had to stop after the first chorus for obvious reasons)

“Idk why the first thing I thought of when Bite to All started was ‘yeehaw’…[Also] I hate how I know exactly who is screaming at the end and when.”

“BTS 🤝 GazettE Gunshots in songs”

[My personal interpretation of Nausea & Shudder is not that it’s about the pressure of being true to oneself in the face of success, but rather that success itself is not what Ruki expected it to be and he’s figuring out how to navigate that and move forward. It is also just a really good set of lyrics.]

“There’s just a hopelessness that’s so profound in [Bath Room]. Like if depression was a song IT WOULD SOUND A LOT LIKE THIS… Up until this point this is the Darkest song AND WE’RE ONLY GONNA GET DARKER FROM HERE *sweats in DIM*”

“I love these unsaid words Ruki leaves in the booklets. Adds layers and messages for the listener (usually of hope)”

(Silly God Disco) “After reading the lyrics I love this song soo much more. Like it’s actually really nice to think about dancing and living life because you have rock music and it makes you happy. Also the FUNK. The flavour. Not only that, but the way Ruki SWEARS he will live happily, without fear, and always moving past pain and towards freedom and glory. And he INVITES the listener with him. This is just SO nice.”

“I think it’s interesting that like…for an album that is sort of Known to be depressing as hell, there are quite a lot of songs about resilience and just…living and moving forward. Depending on what the rest of the albums are about, NIL might actually be, weirdly, the one with the most hope in it.”

(Worthless War) ““Do you shoot first so you won’t get hurt? / Do you call that sort of thing ‘justice’” damn Worthless War spilled. This sounds like a whole lot of anxiety surrounding war, and a very strong criticism against the government for caring more about power than people. Even though violence is despair, he also says that this age of political tension and FEAR is also despair. And he is correct. Ruki: ALSO THE EARTH IS DYING???” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Rich Excrement) ““Lyric killer is erectile dysfunction” + “Biters should check it out too” -> you’re a limp dick who rips off other people’s work I AM SCREAMINGGGGGG.”” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

(Crucify Sorrow) “The main metaphor here is someone who is an insect with a broken shell – an empty person. With depression, probably…And I cannot help but think about Utsusemi, in which he uses this EXACT metaphor to describe himself and his own depression, his loneliness and his desire to disappear. Was this a coincidence??🤔”

(GANGES NI AKAI BARA) “I really like this song – music and lyrics both. Like even though it’s sad that the girl was in a lot of pain, kills herself and is condemned by her church, the narrator bringing her to Ganges and doing a sacred ritual for her so that she can find salvation is actually really really kind and meaningful??? Not only because it’s an act of kindness but also because the pain she was experiencing was emotional/mental (with the constant tsu-tsu-tsura-tsura-tsurai), salvation could relieve her soul from exactly that.” (Apparently Ruki said the narrator is Buddhist but in the context of the song Hindu makes more sense, so I’m just going with that)

(Calm Envy) ““If you could love even these words I’ve thrown your way / I could keep trusting only you as you stand in front of me / It hurts every time you bring up the past you’ve suddenly shown me / I want to love even that empty space where I don’t exist / I’ll wipe away my tears so you wouldn’t notice them / So don’t smile in front of me anymore than this” – SHUT UP THIS SHIT IS REALLY UNCONDITIONAL BUT THEY’RE TIRED OF BEING HURT. GOODBYE. GOODBYEEEEE.” (Cr: Heresiarchy)

(Circle of Swindler) “Ruki writing "how much do you buy us for? let's negotiate [the] value of pain" in circle of swindler to demand respect and acknowledgement of his worth from the higher ups of the music industry because it's the music born from his pain that's making their money is Quite sexy” (Cr: Defective Tragedy)

“[Stacked Rubbish] is about the baggage we have, the baggage we give each other, the Errors we make precisely because we are People who have souls. I think the point (of this album being like an anthology) is that everyone could find something in this album that speaks to them.”

#the gazette #the gazette ruki #uruha #the gazette aoi #reita #the gazette kai #ruki #aoi #kai #if you're on mobile and following any of these tags i'm SO sorry #if this pops up without the cut #also wow i'm really procrastinating HARD

15 notes · View notes

la-paritalienne · 5 years

Note

well???? where my song by song review of nfr??? I wanna knooow

aaahhhhh wowwww! i wasn’t expecting this but i’d looove to do it so thank you for giving me the opportunity. this is how i feel right now of course, some songs could grow on me even more, but in general i feel like this his her best work and the quality is just over the top, so my grades are going to be veeeery high.

norman fucking rockwell: i adore this as an album opener, it just sets the mood perfectly, lyrically it’s genius and vocally it’s mind-blowing but like, in a soft way? (when she goes bluuuuue). however, it’s not a song i’d listen to on repeat or ‘on its own’, like personally it makes sense within the album but it’s probably my least fave on its own. my fave lyrics: why wait for the best when i could have you?

8/10

mariners apartment complex: look… this song came out so long ago that i almost would forget how beautiful it is, but it is truly a masterpiece, from the first line to… well, the outro?? it’s been a long since i’ve truly listened to it but in redoing it, i’m amazed, and i feel like in the context of the whole album, it acquires even more depth and beauty. fave lyrics: they mistook my kindness for weakness, i fucked up i know that but jesus, can’t a girl just do the best she can?

9/10

venice bitch: i can’t simply say this is a work of art because all of the songs in this album are. but this is like. THE masterpiece, the statement piece. a ten minute dreamy trip, so layered and when you think ‘that’s it, this is my favourite part’ another one comes in – for me it’s the outtro that really does it. fave lyrics: fresh out of fucks forever

10/10

fuck it i love you: sounds like one of the chillest, ‘easiest’ ones, but the lyrics are so poignant and her voice really does things (dream a little dream of me)….. overall it’s just one of my faves. again, strong outtro game, when everything overlaps uuughhhh it gives me chills. fave lyrics: it turns out everywhere you go you take yourself, that’s not a lie

9,5/10

doin’ time: this isn’t technically lana’s song but it’s already an amazing song + her covering it? a 10. fave lyrics: me and my girl, we got this relationship. i love her so bad, but she treats me like shit (mainly bc hearing lana sing ‘me and my girl’… bye) but also the tension is getting hotter, i’d like to hold her…head underwater

10/10

love song: gorgeous. romantic yet sexy and gritty in just the right way. the refrain is heavenly… fave lyrics: oh, be my once in a life time (and the rest of the refrain too tbh, but these words just pierce through my soul)

9,5/10

cinnamon girl: i haven’t even pressed play and i’m already teary eyed. this should say everything. fave fave fave. lyrics, piano, voice, mood… i can’t formulate a proper review bc it’s just the way this song gets under your skin and makes you feel… it’s unexplainable like i could only keysmash and shiver and cry. fave lyrics: if you hold me without hurting me, you’ll be the first who ever did

100/10

how to disappear: chills. the sound is so old school it transports you far away and the lyrics are genius bc they’re like… situational (is this a word?) and descriptive and then she goes ‘and this is how to disappear’ like how exactly??? genius i tell you. fave lyrics: i’m always going to be right here, no one’s going anywhere

9+/10

california: i mean… born to die / paradise vibes!!!!!!! we’ll do whatever you want, travel wherever etc >>>>>>>> the only thing i can say is i like this part better than the ‘rest’, not that the rest isn’t great, but this is what truly makes the song to me. fave lyrics: you don’t ever have to be stronger than you really are, when you’re lying in my arms baby

9,5/10

the next best american record: it’s a good song but then the refrain comes!!!!!! and it’s a great song. not my fave overall but still. the glass shattering is a plus! fave lyrics: it’s you, all the roads lead to you

8,5/10

the greatest: it’s poetic, nostalgic and slightly depressing but it has current affair references which make the whole song more meaningful and iconic, to me. and the guitarrrrrrr. not a song i’d listen to on repeat tho, compared to others in the album. fave lyrics: the culture is lit and i’ve had a ball, i guess i’m signing off after all

8,5/10

bartender: i feel like my review is kind of boring bc i’m always like ‘the lyrics!!! genius!!!’ but this is it. all the ladies… the pre-chorus and the chorus remind me of another lana era, maybe even the honeymoon one (which is the closest to my heart maybe?) and i feel like this song is full of tiny gems that make it unforgettable, even though it sounds like one of the lighter ones of the album… girls just want to have fun, cherry coke, ‘ha ha ha ha’, baby remember… love love love. fave lyrics: the poetry inside of me is warm like a gun

9,5/10

happiness is a butterfly: when it starts is so metaphorical and gloomy but then she goes don’t be a jerk don’t call me a taxi and i get chills in my brain. her voice is particularly magical here, i feel. the imagery is a+, the mix of surreal and everyday life, existential questions and i just wanna dance with you. a fave! aaaand fave lyrics: happiness is a butterfly, try to catch it like every night, it escapes from my hands into moonlight. every day is a lullab, i hum it on the phone like every night

10/10

hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have – but i have it: to me this is the second statement piece of the album, after venice bitch. the title is already like… taking a stand. amazing closer. the lyrics are like… incomprehensible yet you’re like yes… i get you and you get me, thank you for this piece queen. it’s got sylvia plath, ‘hi dad’, ipad, revolution… i feel like there’s so much to unlock in here that i don’t even want to unlock it, just sit back and enjoy the ride. plus it ends the album with a beautiful glint of hope for which, again, thank you queen. bonus for the broken falsetto. fave lyrics: i’ve been tearing up town in my fucking white gown like a goddamn near sociopath

10/10

feel free to let me know what you think! ♡

#Anonymous #nfr #lana del rey

156 notes · View notes

fmdtaeyongarchive · 4 years

Text

↬ my reality is a cruel fall without you.

date: august 2020.

location: ash’s living room / ash’s therapist’s office / ash’s apartment studio.

word count: 1,822 words, excluding lyrics.

summary: -

triggers: n/a.

notes: creative claims verification.

ash has been through this exact writing process three times prior and he’s picked up some tricks. defining the seasons in the context of love had become easier for him as he finished their respective songs one by one.

winter had been the cold of the world driving two people together.

spring had been the honeymoon phase.

summer had been the oppressive weight of a long-term relationship taking its toll.

now, it’s time for him to write fall.

ii.

it’s been a year.

ash can’t remember anything in his life ever feeling quite as heavy as that promise ring had the night he’d slipped it off the chain around his neck and passed it out of his grasp for the last time, a mere six months after he’d put it on his finger and thought he’d had everything figured out.

“i love you so much, but we both know this isn’t working.”

(i love you, but not in the way i thought i’d been looking for my whole life any more.)

if he’d looked at himself from the outside, he would have felt silly for feeling his entire core splitting in half as the silver ring clattered onto the table, his resolve too weak to thrust it directly into the other man’s hand, but there’d always been the unspoken understanding that the ring was more than a silly promise.

a public declaration of forever in a relationship as an active idol is, by most accounts, socially impossible. making that forever official in the form of government documents as a same-sex couple in south korea is, by all accounts, legally impossible.

forever had been a big thought to a barely twenty-three year-old, and it’d only grown more massive the longer it hung over ash’s head blissfully unacknowledged for the sake of his own happiness, for the sake of the idea of finally getting his own happy ending. he’d get there one day. then, it wouldn’t feel so all-encompassing, so terrifying, but months had passed and he’d felt like he was only getting farther away from that one day.

it hadn’t gone unnoticed to ash that, without fail, he’d been the one to deflect from the topic of forever when talk between them became too real. with time, it started to weigh him down. one day, he looked up and found he wasn’t on that cloud high above everything anymore.

he was in a different world and he couldn’t see a way he’d ever be able to climb back up to be on even ground.

so, it had ended at ash’s hand.

ash had once heard a person needs half the time they were in a relationship to get over it, so looking at the calendar and seeing august come around once again, that hill should officially be behind him now.

so why does he still think about it with sorrow at times like these?

how are you? how are you doing without me?

he has no intentions of writing a song about him for his fall single at first. he only wants to distract himself on the anniversary of the last ending he’d faced. the last one he’d ever face if he’d learned anything worthwhile.

but when does he ever learn?

his piano is an old friend at times like these. if the wood had any consciousness within it beyond what he projects into it in his most desperate times of need, it would surely judge him for how he goes back to it like clockwork in his times of emotional distress, but the rest of the world will judge him less for it than it will for turning to the bottles in his kitchen or the exes in his phone.

there’s a pattern to it now. sit down, straighten his back (the weight of the world on his shoulders is no excuse for poor playing posture), rest his phone on the bench next to him with an application recording every note he plays, and lay a blank notebook of music staves next to it in case he decides to be formal about anything workable that comes out of his idling.

nothing noteworthy comes to him at first, but the more he plays, the more fresh ideas begin swirling in a twister in his mind against his initial intentions of merely distracting himself. he messes around with chords, keys, arpeggios. he’s been forcing it a lot lately, and it hasn’t turned out in his favor. letting it slowly seep its way out of his pores might be the better course of action now instead.

his mind is frantic but the music is slow and inspiration piles up inside of him until he decides to sit and think through a chord progression, then a top line melody, then he fleshes it out. the first step in the process is never perfect, but he isn’t stumped with where to go with it yet, and that’s a good sign. more and more, he’s felt defeated with his songwriting after idea after idea gets rejected by the only people whose opinions really matter if he ever wants his songs to make it out in the world. he could think a song is the best piece he’s ever crafted, but if it doesn’t appease the bc entertainment gods, it will never see the light of day.

he tries not to think about that while he works on this song. that’s the roadblock he’s run into too many times before trying to pluck out something he can be proud of on the strings of a guitar or on the black and white keys of a piano.

the end product is something jazzy but moody, laden with his unspoken emotions but in a way that lends itself to simplicity, but he ponders for days the right way to put words to it.

he can feel what he wants the lyrics to say. it’s when he attempts to put them into words with a rhyme scheme and an appropriate meter that he struggles. ash has become a master at packaging his emotions into a pretty song with structure and a story, but this time, it’s evading him. the feeling is emptiness, but it’s also missing something he doesn’t really want back. it’s wanting something he can’t have now and wanting to tear himself apart for wanting it. it’s looking down the dark path to his future and seeing only less and less light as it stretches out in front of him. it’s fear of the inevitable pitch black darkness at the very end of the path and how quickly it’s approaching.

iii.

it’s after his second therapy session with his new therapist that something occurs to ash that stays with him beyond the time he’d paid for.

it’s not something he brings up during the session itself, or says out loud to anyone. ash doesn’t talk about his romantic life in detail with any therapist he’s ever had, even though he’s well-aware refusing to bring it up is ignoring a festering wound that needs attention if it’s ever going to heal. he’s heard too many horror stories about professionals that were supposed to know better discovering the money for the gossip being better than adherence to the oath of confidentiality they’d made for him to find comfort in disclosing the intricacies of his private life.

there’s a part of him he’s still holding back, but he only finds comfort in not opening up completely even to the person he’s paying to allow him to do just that without too much outward judgment.

opening himself fully or not, the lyrics to the song come easier to him after that. putting what he’s feeling into words is no easy task, but he’s made progress on it already. possibilities don’t come flooding out like a broken dam, but they do trickle down through his brain steadily enough for him not to lose hope. the slow drops only come when he pries them out, but they come nonetheless.

iv.

the mood of the song evolves in a way ash hadn’t anticipated at first. it becomes sadder in tone, more wistful. that had been a given from the moment the lyrics began to flesh out, but playing around in cubase ends with him deciding the song works its best as a simple piano composition, stripped bare like his emotions.

the piano remains prominent even as he adds more percussion and the main instrumental piano track gets jazzed up more than the initial draft recording had been. in a world where his music reflects solely his gut instinct, the song would be even more bare bones than it becomes. he imagines he would have taken a direction similar to “the unknown guest” on his last album, purposefully under-produced and made to sound like something that isn’t radio friendly, but it’s still simple enough to sound stripped-down to an untrained ear. the more he works on the song, the more he understands he does want it to be played on the radio. then, maybe, he’ll be able to tell himself the right person had heard it and convince himself of the closure he needs.

there’s a feeling in his chest as he listens to the final draft version, with layers of his vocals put down and a thoroughness that only comes with a song that has found its final form, that feels a little like he’s at the top of a mountain. he can’t put a name to it other than thinness of air. it’s not disappointment or regret, and as much as he decides he does really like how it turned out, it isn’t pride either.

the song is different than he would have thought it would be when he began it — after all, at some point visions of his ex-boyfriend had begun to mix with visions of the current flame he held — but different in a way that he hopes does service to the song instead of taking away from it.

at first, it’d been about his past relationship, a love that had been suffocated by his own choice.

now?

in a way, the song is about that relationship, but, in ways, it’s about the one that had come before that. and the one before that. and then, at the end, it becomes about the next one. the one he’s not supposed to have, but the one he’s confessed to yearning for in secret in the lyrics.

i want to fall in love.

unlike so many other songs he’s written, he’s not really begging for love to return to him or cursing himself for wanting such a thing. it’s about something else.

then it hits him: it’s not any of his relationships, long passed or current or future, that he’s holding on to. it’s a lament pried out of him by the lover he’s taken up in the time since, one entirely separate, but also entirely connected that creeps in the corner of every room he enters: loneliness.

#fmdverification #&& when you're screaming but they only hear you whisper | self para #&& queued

1 note · View note

howlnikiforov · 4 years

Text

TW // mentions of suicide, sexual harassment, mental illness, cheating

Pls lmk if the keep reading doesn’t work, I’ll try to fix it if that’s the case. Hopefully it’ll work on mobile too

At this point in my life, the only thing grounding me and keeping me from making poor decisions is my mom. I look around and just about everything I own was bought or made by her. Some things were from my dad, like my car or my most prized necklace. My mom’s made me blankets, spent hundreds on albums for me. That’s the only thing really keeping me here. Because I know if I do anything, or if anything were to happen to me, it’d break her. There are times, when it feels like she doesn’t care. Times like when she’s cheated on my dad, or when she drinks alcohol. It’s hard to ignore those times, the feeling like it’s all a lie. But I know she loves me. I know I’ve wrongly taken advantage of that, that i’ve asked for my parents to buy me things so i wouldn’t have to pay for it myself, using the excuse that i’m an unemployed college student. In the end though, I remember my mom’s depression. I remember how when I was in eighth grade, sometime in the week between my birthday and my brothers, she tried to commit suicide. It haunts me to this day. My parents tried to get me therapy when it happened, but it was only a few sessions and at the time i didn’t understand anything for it to be helpful. Now though, I feel terror at random times when she texts that she loves me. I feel terror when she does something unusual and outside of her daily routine. The cheating has the same effect. I don’t trust her coworkers. While I stayed with my parents these past few months I often listened to her work calls and wondered if she was cheating again. It hurts. I think it helped breed my anxiety. The times my parents have almost gotten a divorce hurt too. I still have trouble eating at a restaurant I used to love because I remember going there when they were on the brink of divorce. I still have trouble going to the dealership where they took me and my bro bc of a car. I often struggle with how I feel towards my parents. I don’t consider us close by any means. We have our moments, but I can’t feel comfortable enough to tell them I really want a boyfriend, that I have trouble making friends, that i need a therapist, that i’m too scared to get a job, that i’m bi, that i don’t want kids. I can tell them I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with autism, and that another has developed multiple cysts on their ovaries. I can jest about them getting pulled over or making the same mistake twice. I can’t show clean and shaven legs. It’s either basketball shorts and leg hair an inch thick or sweatpants. I can’t go braless. I know if I told them about any sexual harassment encounters they’d pull their guns out, that they’d protect me. Yet somehow I still can’t sit around them without a blanket covering me. It makes me sad. I see my friend talking to her mom like their best friends and wonder what it’s like. I wish I could be closer to my parents, my dad especially. But everytime I try the words die before they even make it out of my glottis, or even larynx. I know my dad has anxiety too, I know he doesn’t feel as loved as he deserves to be and it hurts. He deserves so much more than we’ve given him. He really tries his best, in the way only a dad who doesn’t know can. He takes care of us, he’s why we’re able to do what we want. If he hadn’t joined the navy idek if i’d be in college rn. or if I’d be able to see bc the navy’s health insurance covers everything i need to keep my eye from deteriorating anymore than it already has. I hope my parents know how grateful I am for them. I hope my friends know I love them, even though I don’t know how to socialize and be a good friend, a good person. I hope I’ve been able to give my pets a good life, that they’ve been able to feel like the luckiest animals in the world. In the end, I don’t think I’d be here if it wasn’t for the relationships I have, or at the very least, the silent, unspoken things most people don’t pick up on. That’s one thing I consider myself good at. Reading people. I’m shit at socializing but I can tell when smiles don’t reach eyes, when people are hiding, the depression and anxiety and heaven knows what else they feel. I know when I’ve made ppl uncomfortable, when I’ve said something wrong, when the friendship really isn’t going to work out. Even through texts it’s painfully obvious. I think the only reason I’m still here is so the ppl around me can use me as a rock, cause that’s all I’ll ever be to ppl. Someone to turn to when they feel upset. I’m always that person. I know if I left the ppl around me would leave too, and I can’t bear the thought of it. My purpose is to make sure other’s don’t fall to temptations that I have, and that’s okay. I’ll accept that as my purpose in this world. I’ll be everyone’s rock. Maybe I’ll gain another purpose in life, or maybe I won’t. Who knows. Almost 20 years on this earth, and i’m only barely starting to accept that seemingly small role. It’s not small, not when lives and mental health are at stake. But it’s overlooked by everyone. That’s okay. People like me prefer to lurk in the shadows anyway, unnoticed until sought out for.

1 note · View note

takemealivelh · 5 years

Note

If requests are still open, can you do a Luke Hemmings x reader where it’s that cocktail chats, and the reader is the one directing & filming bc she’s known for being good at both so they get her down to do it. Luke has a massive crush on her, either before she shows up or when she does show up and he’s thinking “shit” lmao. So when they get really shitfaced, he says something on camera about her & gradually starts hitting on her until he asks her out lol

ALRIGHT! This took me forever but I DID IT! Proud of this one (I think)

This one’s for ya!

(Luke’s POV)

One of our strong points as a band, besides creating and performing music we believe in, is how we interact with our fans. They know us, they know we're up for a good time and we don't shy away from making fools out of ourselves. The Cocktail Chats seemed like a good idea to get it all together in one project. That was until I found out who was directing and filming.

"She should be here any second" Ashton scrolled through his phone. We were waiting for the crew to set up the cameras, lighting and audio at his kitchen, and we'd gotten there a few hours before just to help him clean up.

"Who?" I made the dumb mistake of asking. Michael, Calum and Ashton looked at me wide-eyed with the biggest looking frown on their faces. "What?"

"Are you fucking serious? We discussed this weeks ago, mate" Michael shook his head. He immediately started laughing when I didn't reply, "okay, maybe your brain has been pushing it to the back so you didn't shit your pants every day we got closer to filming." Ashton laughed along and high-fived our guitarist. None of them answered my question, though.

I looked for Calum's face, but he didn't help me out either.

The doorbell rang, "she's here!" Ashton smiled and got up from his spot on the kitchen table.

"This is going to be good" Michael laughed under his breath before pushing himself off the countertop and walking towards the front door behind Ash. "Hey!" I heard him yell in excitement and a few other voices greeting them. "Hey man, you drove everyone here?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did. I wasn't going to miss this, you four getting drunk and discussing music?" Alex's voice was unmistakable, and I was glad he'd come around, "wouldn't fucking miss it, also I wanted to help. Where are the other two? We need to set all this equipment."

"Cal! Luke! Don't be dicks and come help out"

When I got to the front door and saw Ashton's arm around her shoulders, her hands holding a camera tripod, I felt the colour fade from my face.

Maybe Mike was right.

"Can you move a little bit closer to the mic, Cal? Please?"

I saw her giving directions, saw her being her charming professional self. Carrie seemed to have everything under control but never stopped being the lovely person she is. When Ashton stood next to her, asking her about how they'd bring the concept to life, she explained her vision with such eloquence that I decided I could listen to her talk about her work for hours. She was a smart, creative, kind person. I was crushing so hard on her.

"Keep the drool to a minimum," I felt someone nudge my shoulder and saw Alex with a smug smirk behind me, getting ready the shots and cocktails we were about to drink. "You're not subtle, Luke. And I worry about how you'll act when you've got some drinks in you."

I rolled my eyes, "I can be professional, mate. Thanks for the confidence boost, though."

"I'm just saying," he laughed.

"Everyone does a shot and then we start with introductions, sounds good?" Carrie smiled from behind the camera. "Ashton, you go first. And... we're rolling."

The red light lit up and I felt my hands starting to sweat. I only needed to play it cool, just for a couple of hours. I'd been drunk before, and I'd been drunk before around her as well. It never went bad, but maybe because Cal had to drag me out of the party before I embarrassed myself.

"Let it begin..."Ashton did a shot and the rest of us followed suit. I tried to be cool and impress her by being expressionless as the burning alcohol went down my throat.

It didn't work.

"Hello, I'm Ashton, I'm the drummer in the band..."

"Hello, for everyone out there who doesn't know who I am, I'm Calum Hood..."

"I'm Michael, I play guitar in 5 seconds of summer..."

"I'm Luke..." my brain completely betrayed me when I saw her smile from the other side of the camera, "I'm NOT 6'4, I'm 6'2 at best..."

The more drinks I got in me, the sloppier I got, the stupider I got, the more I embarrassed myself.

Oh god, she was so pretty when she laughed at my dumb jokes.

"Can you tell him to say it without the word genius?" I heard her faintly over the loud mess we had going on. Ashton repeated the question I swear I saw a smirk on her face.

Of course, I messed up, again.

"I think we need a break"

"I think we need like 3 breaks," Mike was slouched on the floor next to the camera, "I can't concentrate for shit. Hey, man! When did you get here?"

The kitchen was quickly getting more crowded. When Ashton said that he started a party because he got drunk, he wasn't joking. From 8 people, we were now at 25. My words were starting to spill out of my mouth without any filter and I was partly worried that I would profess my undying love for her in front of everyone. But I was also feeling a bit confident, every time I made her laugh or blush -even faintly- I felt good. Maybe she liked me as well.

"You want a drink?" I offered her a glass of some cocktail we were drinking. Carrie smiled at me and showed me the half-empty glass in her hand. "Oh, you already have one. You want another one after that?"

"Luke! Stop giving her drinks, mate! You're so unprofessional"

Ashton laughed from the other side of the kitchen, slurping the rest of his cocktail, "we're discussing music while we're getting drunk, Cal. I think professional flew out the window a few hours ago"

She smiled at me and sipped the rest of her drink. Was I imagining things or was she maintaining a playful eye contact with me? Was it my vivid desires playing tricks to my drunken mind or was she running her hand up and down my arm? "I like you in this shirt, it suits you" she whispered.

I think my heart almost stopped beating.

"Guys, you can do it. Only two more songs, alright?"

Michael and Cal made their way around the kitchen, trying to get everyone either to stay quiet or to go party on the backyard. Ashton was bopping his head to the beat of Empty Wallets.

The first piano part has always reminded me of N'Sync's Bye Bye Bye, and since we were all pretty shitfaced by now, decency had left the room a while ago.

"I'm not gonna play anymore because that is fire"

"Wow"

"Pure Fuego"

"You're gonna burn down your house, Ash"

I could see Carrie trying to contain the laughter as we all teased Ashton.

"Thank you, audience participants. That was very supportive."

I sat next to her as the rest of the band did their part of the video. I saw Alex's cheeky grin at me, and Mike's eyebrows wiggle at me when Carried shifted in the stool and subtly brushed her body against mine. I thought my body wouldn't be able to take that much heat.

We had finished talking about Ghost Of You and now we were doing the Deluxe tracks of the album. But it was likely that none of that footage was going to end up in the actual videos. We were absolutely smashed. Michael had to go out to take some air, Cal went out for a smoke and Alex and Ash followed to spend some time with all the people they had invited over.

It was just me and Carrie.

"Alright, Luke. Monsters Among Men. What's it mean?"

"Er..." my mind was racing five hundred thoughts at the speed of light. Her hair had been put up in a ponytail because the temperature in the room had gone up quickly in the past 20 minutes. She had a few strands of hair stuck with sweat to her skin and the cleavage exposed by her v-neck shirt was glistening. I couldn't focus.

She gave me a sly smile, "are you gonna talk, or?"

"You're cute" I blurted out.

"You're drunk"

The way her nose crinkled when she teased me, the way the lighting hit the side of her face, the way she wiped the sweat off her forehead with two fingers... I needed to ask her out. "You're still cute when I'm sober, though"

"Wow, real smooth, Hemmings"

"I try"

Her laugh was enough to give me the last boost of confidence.

"You wanna go out with me? Not tonight, I won't be good company if I'm about to throw up all the time"

Carrie laughed and turned the camera off. "Alright, no deluxe," she said under her breath, shaking her head. I could feel my throat starting to close, she was breathtaking and I had asked her out and she wasn't replying and oh my god did I make a dick move?

"I'm free next week," she smiled.

Thank fucking god, "it's a date then."

TAG LIST:

@brown-eyedshell @thew0rldneedsmcreycghurt @myloverboyash @hopeless-renassianceluke @dukesnumber1 @rip-lukes-balsamic @letsfuckndance @cal-pal-cuddles @ashtons-favorite @1dthewantedlove@problematicprincessa@heartbreak-5sos @baby-loba

let me know if you wanna be added to the tag list!

#5sos #luke hemmings #luke hemmings blurb #5sos blurb #5sos blurbs #luke hemmings imagine #5sos imagine #5 seconds of summer #luke 5sos #luke hemmings blurbs #cxxl-gall

160 notes · View notes

merzbow · 5 years

Note

Who are some of your fav non-white musicians? They are incredibly underrepresented and I really want to listen to and support more of them

oh my god, where to start? there’s so many and it’s all like, varying across a bunch of genres and some aren’t the most accessible but i’ll name the ones off the top of my head, some with description so you can decide who to listen to from what you think you might like.

The Mars Volta — progressive rock. one of my favorite bands of all time. almost everyone that played in TMV was/is non-white (and they had a lot). TMV was the Omar and Cedric show, but there would be no TMV without founding members Jon Theodore (one of my favorite drummers of all time) and the late Ikey Owens (who was their pianist). listen to De-loused in the Comatorium (2003) from beginning to end, and if you end up liking TMV, then work your way through their discography. it’s worth it.

At the Drive-In — post-hardcore, progressive. Omar and Cedric’s previous band. the most influential, and arguably the most important post-hardcore band of all time. every one except Jim Ward and his replacement is non-white. start with their third studio album Relationship of Command (2000), and if you have never heard their song One Armed Scissor, you absolutely have to.

Omar Rodríguez-López — progressive rock, indie pop, almost every genre under the sun. one of my favorite guitarists of all time. it’s impossible to condense his 49 album discography (and those are just solo albums) into a blurb so i’m not gonna try. afro Puerto-Rican. multi-instrumentalist (guitar, bass, to name a couple), producer, composer, songwriter, director. it’s easier to list the things Omar isn’t and hasn’t done.

Dance Gavin Dance — post-hardcore, progressive. DGD has a long, complicated history, but almost every album they have ever released is solid. their guitarist, founder, and honest-to-god visionary Will Swan is one of my favorite guitarists of all time. Will is black and latino (specifically half Mexican). i’ve been a fan since 2010. the best albums to start with are probably the last two latest releases which are Artificial Selection (2018) and Mothership (2016), but my personal favorite albums are Dance Gavin Dance (self-titled, 2008), Happiness (2009), and Acceptance Speech (2013)

the rest of the recommendations are under this read more bc this is long.

Hail the Sun — post-hardcore, progressive. Donovan Melero is one of my favorite drummers of all time, he’s also the front man/vocalist of HTS. He’s Latinx, specifically Mexican-American. Guitarist Aric Garcia is also Latinx. my favorite HTS album is Wake (2014), but their latest album Mental Knife (2018) is a good place to start.

Sianvar — progressive rock/post-hardcore. super group consisting of the previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), and Sergio Medina (Stolas). they recently went on a indefinite hiatus/disbanded this year. they have one self titled EP released in 2014, and a studio album called Stay Lost (2016).

Secret Band — post-hardcore, progressive, on the heavy side. side-project/side-group of Will and the other DGD members, basically DGD without the clean vocals/singing.

Royal Coda — post-hardcore, progressive. super-group consisting of the (again) previously mentioned favorites Will Swan (Dance Gavin Dance), Donovan Melero (Hail the Sun), Sergio Medina (Stolas, Sianvar) and ex-Dance Gavin Dance singer Kurt Travis. definitely listen to Compassion (2019).

Frank Ocean — indie pop. probably the most popular artist i’ve mentioned, besides Earl, or DG, or Denzel. also probably my favorite singer of all time, also probably my favorite bisexual of all time. listen to Blond (2016).

Mitski —indie pop. Mitski is bisexual, Japanese-American woman. her music honestly means a lot to me, all the topics are so personally relatable as another bi asian girl. Puberty 2 (2016) is my favorite Mitski album.

Japanese Breakfast —indie pop. Michelle is a bisexual, Korean-American woman. listen to Psychopomp (2016).

FKA twigs—indie pop.Twigs is incredibly talented, if you like musicians like Kate Bush then she’s perfect for you; she makes incredible music and I couldn’t recommend MAGDALENE (2019) enough.

JPEGMAFIA — experimental rap. Peggy’s latest album All My Heroes Are Cornballs (2019) was released just recently (september 13!), while that’s a good album to start with i recommend starting with his second studio album Veteran (2018). favorite songs from Veteran to name a few are: Baby I’m Bleeding, I Cannot Fucking Wait Until Morrissey Dies, 1539 N. Calvert, and Rock N Roll is Dead.

Denzel Curry — experimental rap. start with Ta13oo/Taboo (2018), or ZUU (2019)

Danny Brown — experimental rap. start with either Atrocity Exhibition (2016) or XXX (2012), either way, you can’t go wrong.

Earl Sweatshirt — experimental rap. honestly, pick any of his three studio albums to listen to and you’re set, but Doris (2013) is probably the most accessible/easiest album to start with.

Death Grips — experimental rap. y’all already probably know who DG are and who Ride is, so i don’t have to introduce them/him. recommended: Exmilitary (2011), No Love Deep Web (2012), and The Money Store (2012).

Kero Kero Bonito — indie pop. Sarah Midori Perry, also known as Sarah Bonito, is British-Japanese. listen to Bonito Generation (2015)

Covet — math rock, instrumental. their front woman/guitarist, Yvette Young, is Chinese-American.

Stolas — post-hardcore, progressive. disbanded in 2018, still worth listening to. this is Sergio Medina’s original band, again if you ended up liking ATDI, or TMV, or DGD, you will absolutely love Stolas. Sergio is latino (specifically Mexican and Argentine), i absolutely love his guitar playing, he’s honestly so underrated.

honorable mentions, not necessarily my favorites but i do like and listen to these bands/artists/musicians.

Animals As Leaders — progressive metal, instrumental. there’s nothing about Tosin Abasi’s guitar playing i can say that thousand of others haven’t said before, he’s beyond amazing. Tosin is Nigerian-American, and AAL’s second guitarist Javier Reyes is latino. If you like heavy virtuoso/technical music like maybe, Dream Theater, then AAL is perfect for you.

Nova Charisma — progressive rock. this is Donovan and Sergio’s current side project, Nova Charisma is officially just a duo but their drummer is ex-Stolas drummer Carlo Marquez (who is close friends with both Donovan and Sergio). Nova Charisma is boneless TMV, and i mean that in a very good way (both Donovan and Sergio are heavily influenced by TMV and ATDI). that might change with future releases though, since they only have a three song EP out as of right now.

Periphery — progressive metal. guitarist and founder Misha Mansoor is insanely fucking talented. Misha is Indian-Mauritian.

Chon — progressive rock, instrumental. Mario Camarena, Nathan Camarena, and Esiah Camarena are all Mexican-American.

Polyphia — progressive rock, instrumental. Tim Henson, their guitarist, is half Chinese.

Trivium — early stuff is metalcore, current stuff is metalcore and thrash metal influenced american heavy metal Matt Heafy is Japanese-American, and does a mean James Hetfield impression if you’re into that.

popular/mainstream bands that have members of color and/or musicians of color that i also enjoy/love that you probably already know of:

Metallica (Metal/Thrash Metal. this one’s pretty obvious, since this is a Metallica blog… anyway, Kirk is Filipino (like me), and Rob is Mexican-American/latino.)

The Smashing Pumpkins (Rock. their guitarist, James Iha, is Japanese-American. you have to listen to Siamese Dream and Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.)

Jimi Hendrix (Rock. Jimi is black, and the greatest guitarist of all time, duh, i don’t have to explain this one.)

John Coltrane (Jazz. the jazz GOAT. listen to A Love Supreme.)

Miles Davis (Jazz. Miles is the GOAT beside Coltrane, if you’ve never listened to Bitches Brew you absolutely have to.)

Rage Against The Machine (Rap metal. Tom Morello is black and Zach de la Rocha is latino.)

Deftones (Rock. Almost all of the band members are latino, with the exception of their first bassist who was Asian and a couple of others.)

Jane’s Addiction (Hard rock. Dave Navarro is latino.)

Soundgarden (Grunge. Kim Thayil is Indian.)

Alice In Chains (Grunge. William DuVall is black and Mike Inez is Filipino.)

My Chemical Romance (Pop-punk. Ray Toro is latino.)

Fall Out Boy (Pop-punk. Pete Wentz is black.)

Playboi Carti (Rap. Carti’s black. please listen to Die Lit.)

Megan Thee Stallion (Rap. Meg is absolutely lovable and supremely talented, and I absolutely adore her. steam her music!)

LAST UPDATED: August 7, 2020

#answered #anon #long post #i hope i'm somehow cohesive #i just wrote this hastily and published it as soon as i was done cus like if i didn't this wouldn't get answered.#i hope you end up liking an artist/band/musician i named here anon! tell me if you do and which! i'd love to hear about it.

14 notes · View notes

elsaclack · 5 years

Note

hi em how are you? i've been dying to get your opinion on the lover album, if you have the time/interest :)

hi i’m good!!! i’m real good my mom’s doctor gave us really good news yesterday so i’m cruising on good vibes rn and yeah i’m great!!!

literally i have been DYING to unload my thoughts on lover since 3 seconds after it came out omg????? i had a deeply intense discussion with my roommate last night about each song on the album and what it specifically means to us so like this is Peak Talking Opportunity For Me which as a messy hoe i honestly love

i’m putting it under the cut though bc i do not want to be Obnoxious

okay first and foremost, i forgot that you existed? DEEPLY iconic. my roommate doesn’t like this one as much as some of the others on the album but it’s def top 3 for me. like, everything about it is so perfect - the message the song sends is one of hope for people who are kind of hopelessly tangled up in drama at the moment (i.e. don’t worry, soon enough you’re going to wake up one day and forget that all of those people even exist (which is HELLA true)) but like!!! even the music she wrote with the song kind of supports the message!! my roommate’s biggest complaint with that song is that she feels like the music needs to Build and Go Places more than it does, but like........god the whole point of the song is that it’s written to a person taylor’s indifferent toward, shouldn’t the music seem a little indifferent too?? like yes there’s joy and it does build and it does move but if it DID get super dramatic it would actually contradict the message of the song so like??? it’s??? perfect??? and i have scream-singed it in my car a million times already thank u for asking

i’ll be honest, cruel summer doesn’t do as much for me as some of the other songs on the album,,,,,i mean i like it and i can DEF sing along to it and the line “i love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard” is such a mood. it’s the first song on the album that i was like oh she probably started writing that (or at least getting the idea to write it) the summer every angry mob in america was calling for her head bc like there’s definitely a sense of self-deprecation/preservation in some of the lyrics. idk it strikes me as a song about how terrifying vulnerability is especially in the face of such public and global hatred directed toward you

LOVER. lover. lllllllover oh my god i love lover which i was not prepared to do since that word seriously bums me out 100% of the time but it’s so sweet??? so sweet and honest and like. what i thought love was when i was a kid?? just finding that other person and being like “oh, you’re like....you’re IT” and like HA wouldn’t it be grand to be in love?? also the brIDGE??? THE BRIDGE!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL YOU PLEASE STAND!!! WITH EVERY GUITAR STRING SCAR ON MY HAND!!! I TAKE THIS MAGNETIC FORCE OF A MAN TO BE MY LOVERRRRRR!!!! MY HEART’S BEEN BORROWED AND YOUR’S HAS BEEN BLUE!!! ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL TO END UP WITH YOU!!! SWEAR TO BE OVER-DRAMATIC A N D T R U E TO MY LOVERRRRR!!!! and oh man i wanna be in love anyways moving on

the man honestly took me a few tries to like but i definitely have a healthy amount of respect for it now. like idk it felt a little out of place at first given that this whole album is supposed to be about love and that song is,,,,,,not (at first glance) but the more i listen to it the more i realize that it sort of is in a way? like she’s been painted as this serial dater since day one when in reality her dating history isn’t really that sordid?? just extremely public. and in listening to the lyrics it sort of dawned on me that her frustration with the way society treats women stems from that reputation (ha) that was forced on her and the way that reputation colored every other interaction she’s ever had with popular culture. like every microinteraction i’ve heard about involving her has been overwhelmingly positive but then you look at media as a whole and they make her out to be this entirely different person and part of u has to wonder if it would even be an issue if you took all the same behaviors, dating history, microinteractions etc. and applied them to an equally famous man. and the answer is no it would not be an issue

the archer made me cry the first time i heard it and it still kind of strikes me at my core a lot if i don’t distract myself with other things while it’s on? like sitting down and actually listening to the words is. tough bc i relate to it a lot and not in the fun scream-sing in the car way that i relate to i forgot that you existed. that song actually makes me really uncomfortable with who i am bc like god!!!!! i have been the archer!!!! i have been the prey!!!! i don’t understand why people have left me and i REALLY don’t understand why people stay!!!!! in all seriousness though it goes back to that struggling with vulnerability thing - by being vulnerable you’re opening up the scariest, rawest parts of yourself to other people and risking being rejected for those scary raw parts. it’s a song about struggling between building those walls up to protect yourself or risking getting hurt for the sake of love - and lucky for her she seems to have found someone who has seen the scary raw stuff in her life and has decided that he wants to stay

i think he knows is the song both me and my roommate bump in our cars whenever we go places together because it’s SO FUN i don’t even know what else to say other than i cry laughing every time my roommate tries to sing “lyrical smile indigo eyes hand on my thigh we can follow the sparks i’ll drive” bc it’s SUCH a tongue-twister for her it’s fhaldskfhadslfkj FUNNY

miss americana & the heartbreak prince is another one that i was kind of so-so about at first but the more i listen to it the more i love it?? it’s so Dramatique in the best way like it makes me feel like i’m watching a movie preview about a dystopian high school in slow motion and honestly i LOVE it

my roommate’s favorite song on the whole album is paper rings and i love it too honestly it’s another one we bump in the car bc it’s SUPER fun to sing with other people lmfao she described it as “the song you hear in a preview for a romcom set in new york city” and i was like YEAH THAT’S ACCURATE but what’s really funny is that?? that’s probably?? exactly?? what it is?? anyways

i’m kind of...meh...about cornelia street yikes i’ve read people talking about how good it is and i’m trying to like it but it’s just,,,,i mean it’s not bad not by any stretch of the imagination but personally i like other songs on the album more hfaldskfjs

death by a thousand cuts!!!!!! that’s my roommate’s other favorite song lmao!!! again the more i listen to it the more i like it but i def like others on the album more at this point

i had london boy stuck in my head all day yesterday it’s so funny god i know a lot of people who live in and around london have some issues with it which is FINE i won’t pretend like i know anything about it but i think it’s cute LMAO

i can’t listen to soon you’ll get better without legit ugly crying (like we’re talking full on sobbing) just because of everything going on with my own mom right now so maybe in a year or two when things have cleared a little for her i might be able to listen to it again but rn i’ve only listened to it all the way through once

honestly i don’t really like false god that much and i can’t really identify why it’s just,,,,fhasdlfk

you need to calm down is just a straight up bop that i sing in the shower a lot and i know it was controversial esp after the music video came out but like. on a base level the song is just fun

afterglow is one of my other top three on the album,,,,,,,,bc again,,,,,,,,,,relatable,,,,,,,like realizing that she’s safe with this person after kind of instinctively flying off the handle,,,,,,,god. idk i’ve heard a lot of apology songs in the past but this one kind of strikes me bc like,,,,idk she takes full responsibility for it rather than trying to justify it with the conditions that beat that kind of behavior into her over the last few years. she’s taking responsibility for her actions, she’s apologizing, she’s asking him to stay, and at the same time she’s pointing out that she’s human and will probably make similar mistakes in the future and idk that’s just reassuring? bc i’m also human and i also make really big dumb mistakes that hurt other people in the name of self-preservation and i can only hope that someday i’ll meet someone who will stick around anyways

me! is a bop as well it’s massively overplayed at this point and i kind of skip it when i’m listening by myself but my roommate and i scream-sing that one too LMFAO

it’s nice to have a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this really is what i thought love would be when i was in like 3rd grade and just becoming aware of it as a concept!!!!!!!! there was a little boy who lived next door and we were best friends growing up and there was never any romantic aspect to our friendship (that i am aware of) but we used to play outside together all the time and it was sweet and simple and secure and that’s the way that song makes me feel!!! also i read that every single instrument/vocal performance on that song (outside of taylor herself) was done by a children’s music group which just adds to the childlike sweetness of the song and gah it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

daylight,,,,,,,,,,,,,that’s my number 1 y’all i freaking LOVE daylight holy HELL i can’t wait to make my other roommate play/sing it with me at our house show next month??? god it’s just. it’s so indicative of where she’s been, the hell she’s been through both internally- and externally-imposed, and how it makes this moment she now gets to have with the person she loves that much sweeter?? i don’t know i feel like my heart is going to explode every time i hear it and i’m not even remotely close to being in love so i can’t imagine how much deeper it’ll hit if/when i ever do fall in love again and

god i just

i really like lover as an album a WHOLE lot

#em answers #lover #taylor swift

10 notes · View notes

kangseluigi · 4 years

Text

ANOTHER personal post bc I deleted my facebook since no one reads that shit anyway and I need to let it out somewhere so THERE

I am…deeply damaged, by many things, but especially by my first “real” fandom???

Like, yea, I was hardcore into like Sailor Moon and Pokemon and Britney and shit as a kid, but that doesn’t really count for me. The first real fandom to me, was the first one I really spent my own money on, on merch, concerts etc. The one I was pushed into bc a “friend” tried to use it to exclude me from her talks with her best friend, so I had to learn it all v quickly to keep up with them and not be excluded every. single. time we spent time together. Her friend was cool with me and just focussed on topics we could all talk about or would explain things I didn’t get, but the other one, wow.

And now that I’m saying it, I realise how much deeper it goes than i realised.

I learned all that cryptic shit about the band within days and learned every song, which album it’s on, downloaded a whole bunch of pictures and forced myself to become obsessed within a week or less, just so I could join their talks. Of course that didn’t help me, because she only became annoyed with that and ended up mocking me for being too obsessed and all kinds of shit, or would change the topic to another thing I wasn’t involved in, like their shared trip to Paris, which I would never be able to catch up on.

And nowadays, I sill have a habit of forcing myself to “learn” fandoms in days and after 24-36 hours of obsessing (sometimes with a little pre-game/getting to know phase these days though) I just become so fuckin burned out I cannot enjoy it for at least another full day, sometimes a week or anywhere in between. It sucks.

But the whole situation, having been forced into it only to be ridiculed again, ended up pushing me even deeper into that fandom, because I guess, in the beginning, I thought if I love it enough, it will get me accepted as a real fan, but of course things only got worse. More people thought i had lost it for being that obsessed with the band, having no other topic anymore. On the other hand, the band had all these messages of their fans being their family and connection and whatnot. The kind of bullshit that a teenager with abuse at home and angry/overworked/stressed/… parents with no time for anyone would absolutely run into to feel a little taste of family and comfort.

It completely spiralled out of control. I was existing only for that stupid fucking band. I was existing entirely online and for the times I could go back online to talk in chat groups and message boards and whatever the fuck it was we had back then, to talk to other fans, some of whom actually became my friends, and stalk the shit out of that band. Any and every update had to be documented and I had to know it. Every picture, no matter how intimate. The shit I had found out about the band in the end was unhealthy! Pictures buried so deep in the web, because they were so personal, not even the most deranged fans would dare re-post them, but I ended up saving them just to be safe, just to have something. I honestly disgusted myself at that point, but I couldn’t stop, somehow. And I still find it gross, but I also know I was maybe 17 at the time I went that far out. My dad had just died, I was grieving, I was lonely more than anything, I felt like the only actual family who had still cared about me was gone, I needed something to hold on to and went into all the wrong directions.

But despite all the deeply intimate things I knew by then, there was one big issue I had somehow managed to keep missing, until they released a video for a song that upset me on such a deeply subconscious level, that I didn’t even know why, until it built up enough to cause my first real flashback.

There was a lot of drama about it within the fandom. A few of us who actually were triggered through the video into reliving our most traumatic moment, while everyone else still praised the shit out of them and told us we were just horrible for implying anything.

We didn’t imply anything. We just said we had a hard time dealing with it. But that didn’t stop threats of violence and death, even from people I was friends with until that point.

But amongst all that, one of the friends, who had already left the fandom to the most part at that point, told me the one big thing I had kept missing: The lead singer is a rapist. He especially goes for underage girls, but ultimately, it’s all the same.

There were enough stories about it out there and even if I think one or two may be made up—oddly enough the favourable ones seem the most unlikely—I think with that amount of stories, including things my friend has seen herself, it’s pretty evident that it has happened. And once that veil was lifted, I could see it. Maybe it’s my imagination, but some signs have always been there, and many people have said the same to me over time, some who knew, and some who didn’t. But that look is there, and cannot be trusted.

This whole thing just messed with me. It messed hard with me then. I had my trauma before, but I had had it well-repressed and buried so deep in my psyche only bits and pieces came bleeding through in the weirdest ways. Not enough for anyone to notice and only for me to occasionally wonder why I’m always returning to this specific topic. (Shit, I still have the hardest time using the term, especially when applied to me…) But now I also had flashbacks, and the knowledge that for the second time now, someone I thought I loved and thought—for some reason—loved me (In a way), was actually this kind of asshole, was a goddamn rapist, and had deceived me so horribly, only for me to go through the pain and trauma all over again.

I’m still thankful I had LInkin Park at the time, to be honest. I know y’all love to make fun of them, but they were there when I was bullied at 12-13 years old and felt all alone in the world, just when “Numb” came out. Translating their lyrics is how I learned english and at that point, Chester screaming in my ears alone, was often the one thing able to keep me from dissociating every 5 minutes, but moreover, he was screaming about the exact trauma that had come to the surface, that I wasn’t equipped to handle in any way, and I just knew I wasn’t alone with it, I knew he understood. It was a little comfort keeping me from losing it entirely, and it gave me some hope that if he could make it through the same bullshit and come out on top, I could, too. Of course, a few years ago that hope got shattered, but that’s another story.

The thing about this whole experience though, is that I still suffer from it. Not only can I still not look at that shitbag’s face without rage and sickness and pain—although it’s getting easier, not that I’m trying to look at him, but he’s unavoidable these days, fucking horrible. I can never listen to their songs again, not that I want to. Even karaoke versions or covers make me run out the room with massive panic attacks. Especially the songs from the same album as the song that triggered it all. The last time someone covered their song at an event I was at, I nearly threw myself off the balcony in the hotel lobby as I was trying to get away from it, because I was that terrified and in that much pain from hearing the first line alone.

And thinking about it, maybe that’s why I no longer go to events. I told myself it was finances, but i just don’t wanna run into that again. Ever. I’m so, so thankful the same friend who had informed me of it all back then was standing by on twitter to talk to me. Typing and reading is good to get your head out of it. It’s a mental and physical sensation and forces you to think of something else, even if it’s only spelling, and I could talk to her to calm tf down.

But mostly, I’m thinking about the very, very deep sitting trust Issues towards famous people and fandom I have developed through all of it. Up to this day, I cannot trust anyone who is famous. Riches being bitches is one problem, an intellectual one for me, mostly, but this is something else.

As soon as I see someone enjoying their fame—especially white men—I get suspicious, because it’s so much like him. What if they too are like him? What if they too only want fame to attain girls they can violate? What if? How could I allow myself to like someone like that ever again? How can I allow myself to fall for this stunt again? I can’t. That’s it. I see you enjoying your fame, I cannot trust you, to protect myself, if nothing else. To not accidentally promote someone who’d do those things. To not accidentally promote them to someone, who’s led right into the trap and has to endure what so many others already had to endure, what I had to endure, even if in my case it wasn’t even a famous person.

So I shy away from anyone who seems a little too “Type-A” or too joyful about their status as celebrity or… too talented, too inhuman. I don’t even know. A lot of it comes down to the eyes, and sometimes I’m definitely right, but in some cases even I am not sure if I see it, or if I’m just scared I don’t see it when I should. (Does that make sense to you?)

On the other hand, sometimes I am certain I don’t see it, and my brain goes into overdrive, running around in circles. We don’t see it, so does that mean it’s not there, or that they are that good at deceiving us? We’ve been deceived before, we failed to see it before, who says we won’t fail this time? Do we see it now? Maybe we only think we see it because we are scared and a little paranoid. But maybe-

it’s a never-ending circle. (Kind of the definition of a circle, isn’t it?)

Every time I see a famous person I want to trust be so visibly human, and warm, or shy, and just likeable, I trust them a little more, and want to trust them a little more, and that is exactly what makes the alarm bells go off in my brain! it’s ridiculous.

Yet, every time I see the same person interact with, say, a child, I freak the hell out.

This is not normal in any way, and it cannot be, and it shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t constantly be afraid of what thoughts some adult man has towards children, literal gd toddlers in frilly dresses. I cannot keep thinking that being nice to a toddler has an ulterior motive, because it’s wrecking me the hell up! Yet here I am, unable to shake those thoughts and I don’t know what to do about it, or how to feel about myself. I was angry at myself a lot today, partly because of that. But I’ve also been deeply depressed lately, partly because so much of my actual trauma came up again and again, and now it’s not going away. I cannot even listen to remix versions of that one Lady Gaga song the band once covered, because it all brings me back (and How very shitty for a rapist to cover a song by a rape survivor too). Even worse, because that song is in my workout game.

I don’t want to have to think about all this all the time anymore, I don’t want my brain to constantly suspect the worst in people, but I cannot fucking shake it off.

I know I’m getting better, generally. I know I’m breaking through some of my fears and all, but I also know I may never be ready to actually speak about this topic with another soul. Therapist or not, no one will ever achieve the level of trust I need to open up about this the slightest bit. If someone were to approach the topic (to talk about me, not themselves, that is), I’d shoot them down. I may actually fall into a panic attack and punch them and run away I don’t know. But this conversation is not going to happen, ever. So I really don’t know how to fix it, except keep fixing myself, but I just don’t know if I can this time.

#long post #wow #a whole ass novel #just like that #boring lou-updates #rape mention cw #personal post #clearly the underlying issue is the problem here but imma blame that band #who's gonna stop me?#ALso #there is only one person I really felt comfortable talking more openly about this with #and they fuckin ditched me recently so :)))))))))))))))))))))#add another fuckin trust issue to the list babes

1 note · View note

potato-an0n · 5 years

Text

What we all need to realize and learn about BTS

I’m not a blogger, or anything like that, but i feel like i want to share some thoughts about BTS’ speech for MAMA 2018. It might be long and disorganized, so bare with me here ok?

For those who aren’t caught up, BTS won almost every category they’re in (congratulations, again), but wen receiving the artist of the year award, they broke down and told us something.....kind of personal and shocking. Jin said in speech (while having an emotional breakdown) that they were thinking about disbanding earlier this year bc of personal reasons we may not know about. now......

Disclaimer: I obviously don’t know anything about them personally, and this isn’t a theory either, think of it as a speculation/ rant of what I think is what bts is going through. I’m using some stuff that we know about bts and what they’ve shared with us and combining it with common knowledge on celebrity life in general and fan culture, international and in Korea. So no hate in the comments, have a problem, talk to me reasonably and we’ll sort things out calmly. Ok, let the chaos begin!!!!!!

We saw bts have a meltdown right in front of us and though they didn’t go into full detail on why they wanted to disband, despite having a successful 2017, I feel that it gave me a glimpse of how they felt about having all this success. It’s pressuring and overwhelming. Imagine being on top of the world, winning awards left to right, selling out stadiums, breaking records for most views in 24 hrs (Youtube stop deleting views plz), made it on top charts in every music streaming platform, rich af, and having the whole planet wrapped around your fingers. Bts got everything they dreamed of and accomplished so many goals, but do you ever consider the price for their success? I’ve watched this anime called My (boku no for the weebs) hero academia (watch it, highly recommend it) one of the characters mentioned a very interesting line:

“Once you’re at the top, others will try to bring you down.” as accurate as I can get.

Just, let that sink in a little. I mean, they’ve made a lot of distracks to the haters and that includes mic drop and burned them, but that won’t stop them from tearing bts into shreds. For example, raise your hand if you’ve heard somebody say this once in your life

“You listen to kpop? They look like girls? Do they wear make up? Why do you listen to this crap? They’re so overrated. You can’t even understand what they’re saying.” Kpop this, kpop that.

First of all, there’s this thing called English sub titles, use it. and you seem to enjoy despacito, even tho you probably don’t speak español. If you do, then kudos to you, use the fuckin subs! And those boys are more beautiful (in and out) than you’ll ever be, so don’t even try dissing on their looks wen you can’t manage to make yourself look nice for once. (Sorry off topic lmao.)

Anyways, next topic

Keep in mind, this is going to address the fan base, and know that not everyone is a bad fan, some of you guys are chill and total crackheads. just know, if you’re not a crazy fan, you’re not a crazy fan, so don’t feel the need to defend yourself when someone is actually telling the truth about the fan base bc you guys know damn well that the fan base is very aggressive.

I read a post that a research student made on the army, and some people were offended and this person made some good points and means no harm. What stood out the most was when they said, “We’ll be each others downfall.” It sounds over dramatic, but it’s actually very accurate. I mean, you guys seen the fan base, though I hang around the chill and funny armys, I don’t really see or hear the toxicity of the fan base, however, I still see people post about the toxicity and it’s insane.

Maybe that’s why bts almost disbanded, bc they couldn’t take it anymore. The pressure of remaining on top of the world, toxic fans stalking them, shoving cameras in their faces, crowding them in airports, not being able to anything without a fan spotting them (side note: some fans were respectful and gave them space, but some also stalked them and even caused an accident (look it up, it happened twice this year), cameras filming them every second of the day, and can’t really be friends with a girl bc dating scandals, let alone fall in love with someone, whether it’s a girl or a boy. This is mostly Korean fans, but this also implies international fans, but Korean fans are the ones who mostly get affected when an idol is dating someone and jealous af. Like seriously, THEY ARE NOT YOURS! Yes, you buy their albums, and merch, but that doesn’t mean you own them!!!!!! Get out of your weird, shitty fantasy mind palace and wake the fuck up!!! Same goes for shippers (mostly taekookers). You can still support them, but frikin, let them be people!!!! GOSH!!!!

Sadly, it’s the cost of being worldwide celebrities. We’ve seen their vlives, bomb/ run episodes, interviews, and burn the stage. All those combined barely scratched the surface on what they’re going through as celebrities. The hardships they dealt with getting here and now the hardships of being on top and maintaining that position, it’s exhausting, mentally and physically. And on top of that, their freedom is technically stripped away. Honestly, even if you say “I support them no matter what,” that’s good for you, but what about the rest of the fan base? If bts decides to come out and lay everything out there for us to see, what now? If they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend would these people still support them? Would you stay by their side? Bc that’s I think they fear the most, us leaving them if they show who they are. There are so many things we don’t about bts and we’ll probably never know, and that’s totally fine. We may be each other’s comfort, but we’re also the downfall of each other. We can’t have a perfect fan base, and there’s always toxic people out there, and are going to probably read this. If you are, look yourself in the mirror, is this who you want to be? If you’ve done some crazy shit and are in denial, then gtfo and get help. PLEASE!!!!!

And that’s all folks. Sorry if it’s messy, my writing is trash. But please, give the boys love, they really need it, and please respect them and each other. And to bts, please, think of yourselves. We appreciate the hard work you’ve done, we stan hardworking men, but you guys already have a lot on your shoulders and it sucks to put on a smile for us when you’re having a bad day. Just know, you guys are human and you’re allowed to feel things. I’m happy you guys are able to pull through, and I’m glad you guys even talked it out. If things get too hard, or pressuring, talk it out with one another or if you want, maybe talk to us about, it probably won’t really help, but we can try, if you’re comfortable with it.

OK I’M DONE AND EXHAUSTED and I’m fixing some spelling and grammar errors

Also read some of the comments bc i missed some stuff and I’m too lazy to add in more and they point out really good stuff (for now at least).

#thankyoubts #bts #bangtansoyeondan #jikook #sope #vhope #vkook #namjin #tags majority of the fan base goes to #army #yeah #lord help me

191 notes · View notes

fleetwooded · 5 years

Note

talk about music!!!!!! gimme the whole top ten, then i also want 22, 44, and 88!!

THANK YOU FOR ENABLING ME STEPH!!! this ended up predictably long-winded, so here is the list, and you can click through to read how i feel about all these songs if you want to. if you’re on mobile, and have to scroll through, i’m so sorry.

1. why, fleetwood mac2. from the dining table, harry styles3. home, one direction4. animal, troye sivan5. i’m yours, pixie geldof6. ambitions, donkeyboy7. bring it on home to me, sam cooke8. bad (live), U29. american tune, paul simon10. 1950, king princess

22. everywhere, fleetwood mac44. trouble, lindsey buckingham88. border, years & years

ask me about my favourite music of the year!

1. why, fleetwood mac - this is ZERO PERCENT a surprise, i think i’ve fallen asleep to this song every night for the past three years. it is one of my favourite fleetwood songs even though it’s a real niche one - the final track off mystery to me, which is uhhh not one of their more popular albums. but a) i am very fond of the awkward post-peter green pre-lindsey/stevie albums, b) christine mcvie gets paid DUST by everyone, but she is an incredible songwriter with an incredible voice, and really held the band afloat during that era, and c) this song is so gentle and beautiful and i could never ever get tired of listening to it. i’m obsessed with the extended guitar opening, which keeps you waiting for the piano to kick in for ages and makes you instinctively listen more closely to the guitar throughout the whole song. also the lyric well, my heart will rise up with the morning sun / and the hurt I feel will simply melt away is such a beautiful and clearly expressed sentiment. and when those strings come out from the back of the arrangement just before the last stanza!! ugh i love this song.

2. from the dining table, harry styles - honestly this is only so high up because it is one of the other two songs on my sleep playlist and therefore gets played every day lmao. i will say that this is pretty much the only song of his where the studio version is better than the live version, and therefore the only one i regularly listen to after going to his concert bc i don’t resentfully compare it to the live experience. that harmony on the third maybe someday you’ll call me and tell me that you’re sorry too and the strings in that whole section make the entire song worth it.

3. home, one direction - lol i always say that my favourite 1d song is walking in the wind, but it’s really this one. i was in a very small, l*arry-free corner of the fandom when this came out, so it never had those associations for me, and i just think it’s a very warm and beautiful song and i DO NOT understand why it was not on the album. i also used to listen to it every morning back when i had to walk to work at 4:30am (in the winter! when it was pitch black and i lived in a not-so-great area!), and it was very very comforting to me, so listening to it always sparks that feeling of comfort, like being wrapped up tight in a warm blanket.

4. animal, troye sivan - the last song on my sleep playlist, and one of the best songs off his new album imo. my favourite kind of song is the kind where you can put on big headphones, get on a bus or train, close your eyes, press play, and just have an experience. it’s unquantifiable! everyone’s mileage will vary! you either feel it, or you don’t! but i really really feel it with this one, especially on the second verse. it’s such a stripped back song, but has this rich sonic landscape that just pulls you in if you let it.

5. i’m yours, pixie geldof - ugh, this album was such a huge and exciting discovery for me this year. i had no idea she made music until i heard woman go wild on one of nick grimshaw’s insta stories and looked it up, and then i listened to her album over and over and over again for months and developed a massive, useless celebrity crush on her. it’s a little bit derivative, definitely nothing groundbreaking, but so perfectly matched to my sensibilities and so endlessly listenable. i also find it very satisfying to hear something and instantly know it’s going to be your new favourite thing, and then get to prove yourself right. i usually listen to the album all the way through, so i don’t think about the specific songs too much, but if i had to pick a favourite, it would be this one!

6. ambitions, donkeyboy - i’m pretty sure i found this song because it was referenced in a fic lmao? if that is the case, a million thank yous to whoever wrote that, because i never would have come across it otherwise. it’s a collaboration between a 2000s norwegian synthpop band and a girl whose only other resume builder was finishing in seventh place on norwegian idol. but it is a BOP, and a bop with a strong emotional drive, which is the best kind. the lyric I can't tolerate / the feelings that I feel when I feel is another one i spend the whole song waiting for.

7. bring it on home to me, sam cooke - another song i have been listening to for years and years and never tire of. when my best friend moved out of her parents’ house, she said that the only reason she wanted her own place was so she could sit in her living room and play this song on a turntable. she did play it, often, because she only owned a few records for the longest time, so listening to it always brings me back to curling up on her couch and talking and talking while she made me dinner in her tiny and dark but beautiful home.

8. bad (live), U2 - god i love this song. i think i have talked about it on here before, so i won’t go on and on, but i LOVE this song. tbh i have never actually listened to the album version of this song, and maybe it is just as good, but i really love live albums - when they can capture the spirit and energy and RISK of a live concert, they feel so electric. anything could go wrong at any moment when music is being played live, or it could go SO right, and the artist and crowd could feed off each other’s energy until the whole venue feels alive, and the music could take on a whole new artistic life. idk what exactly it is, but i feel all that potential in this song. it’s eight glorious minutes of that electricity, and every time you think it’s peaked, it just keeps going and reaches new heights. my favourite is the bit where bono just belts out the words desperation, dislocation, separation, condemnation, isolation, desolation, isolation, let it go like a cry out into the universe. i think about it so often. sometimes i also want to just stand in front of a crowd and yell ISOLATION, DESOLATION. i feel that live music can often feel like a purging, or a cleansing, or a transformation - like singing about these feelings of profound misery or pain or anger with a crowd of people who also feel those feelings can reshape them into something joyful and exultant instead.

9. american tune, paul simon - damn, this really was a melancholic year!! this is another of my go-to comfort songs when i am feeling those lost feelings. i listened to it a lot in the winter, and again this fall, and related a little too much to the bits about being so far away from home. it’s got this sense of deep weariness in its lyrics and structure that i like listening to when i am very tired and want to commiserate. the drums leading up to the and I dreamed I was dying are my favourite musical moment, but my favourite lyric is the ending, with: tomorrow's going to be another working day / and I'm trying to get some rest / that's all I'm trying to get some rest.

10. 1950, king princess - honestly, introducing me and the world to king princess is the best thing harry did all year. first of all, it’s truly remarkable how much cultural power he has - not that this song wouldn’t have been successful without him, but literally every write-up and interview mentions him tweeting the lyrics as a mark of approval that propelled her into the public eye. it’s also just an incredibly well crafted song, and i’m endlessly impressed by her talent. to write and perform a song like this at her age is no small feat, and i’m very glad she’s ended up getting the attention she has. i got to see her live this summer with my sister and a few of our friends, and she was every bit as commanding and magnetic as i would have imagined.

22. everywhere, fleetwood mac - another all time favourite!! at my work this summer, my boss was a very cool woman who played in a very cool all-female punk band. we got along tremendously, except for that she had NO patience for me constantly playing what she referred to as “mom rock.” this one is the only fleetwood mac song she liked, so i would just play it over and over and we would delight in that shimmery little intro. when i was closing, i would put it on just as the sun went down enough to shine right through the big windows at the front of the store, and it feels good to know that i am going to listen to it years from now and remember that summer and that sun.

44. trouble, lindsey buckingham - my fave song of his, except maybe never going back again. i really like this whole album, but this song is another one i just want to burrow inside because it feels so rich and dense. i feel like i have nothing to say about him that hasn’t already been said - he’s a massively underrated guitarist, and a great songwriter, and i just love listening to him play.

88. border, years & years - a fantastic song off a fantastic album. i’m ngl i was a little disappointed by their sophomore album, so i just kept listening to this one. also brings me back to great memories of seeing them live and the catharsis of yelling my heart, it will start to shine / and I will be alright with a whole crowd of people. live music is magic!!

if anyone made it here, thank you for reading. i love year-in-reviews. it feels good to take stock of a year and try to put all the little moments and periods of time in order and make some sense out of them. i also love music, and it feels good to sit down and listen to my most listened to songs with new ears and try to remember or figure out why i listened to them so often. it’s been a long, hard, tumultuous year, but my relationship with music has really flourished, and stuff like this feels like nurturing that love.

#if anyone went and read all that: you are such a trouper thank you so much #1000-directions

12 notes · View notes

durifmdarchive · 6 years

Photo

Duri is a rather happy individual, there’s no doubt about that part of his personality. He’s constantly happy, spreading happiness, and making sure those around him are also happy. But sometimes, everything may not be what it truly seems. The songs (beside three) are songs that showcase the emotion that he hides within himself; which is that of sadness. In one way or another, these songs explain emotions behind Duri.

[ LISTEN HERE TO THESE POEMS HERE! ]

001 UGLY BY 2NE1

Duri used to be rather insecure from sometime after the debut of Decipher, to just around the year of 2011. It was all because of the colorist comments that he would receive online from bitter, evil netizens. He never had an issue with it before until this those comments had happened. Finally, once this song had come out, it helped him to get over that bump of insecurity; as well as the fact that people had come to his defense about the comments. He no longer feels that insecurity that had once haunted him when he was younger.

002 DOWNPOUR BY I.O.I

Duri can easily get this sudden wave of sadness lingering in him. At times, he has no idea what exactly it may be. Is it missing his parents? Is it because he knows for a fact that his post-traumatic stress disorder is something keeps putting a toll on him; leaving him with this sadness that overfills him? Truly, he can’t tell and he doesn’t know when exactly it’ll last. But, this is another song that could towards his parents about not forgetting them… like the song states “I haven’t lost the happy memories to the rain,” remains somewhat true, but he doesn’t have all of them due to losing them along the way from the car accident and the post-traumatic stress disorder leaving some of them blank.

003 UNSTEADY BY X AMBASSADORS

He’s not steady; he doesn’t have the right mind. He feels the need to hold onto something, to have support because of what he’s going through. There’s a lot of times where he doesn’t feel right what so ever. He simply just wants to feel normal; he doesn’t want to feel so unsteady like he does most of the time.

004 I WAS HERE BY BEYONCÉ

It’s simple, really. Duri wants to fulfill so many things in his life; as well his career as an idol. He had already gotten pretty far already. Almost ten years as an idol is a lot to hold onto, all the things he had done as a Decipher member is something that’s truly incredible. He wants to leave his footprints in the industry before he leaves; he wants his work to be left behind and forever cherished, as well as maybe help someone.

005 WATERFALLS BY TLC

This song simply changed his life, it had escalated his dreams completely. An eleven-year-old, sat upon the designated area in his uncle and aunt’s café in Hongdae during an open mic night. He strummed the tune to Waterfalls by TLC, before singing the lyrics like they had come completely naturally to him. After his performance finished, he was approached by the scout for BC Entertainment that had been watching him for the longest time, and before he knew it, he was a trainee underneath the company.

006 PLAYBOY BY EXO KNIGHT

For years, Duri had been writing songs; some of them never say the sunshine shining down upon the Earth, and others had gone onto a Decipher album. But, there was one song that didn’t become his own song, nor did he sing it as a Decipher member, he didn’t even sing it solo. A little song that became known as PLAYBOY was a song that BC Entertainment took and put it on Knight’s “Exodus” and the repackage, “Love Me Right.” This was something that made Duri feel proud, as well as evaluate him as a songwriter.

007 BREATHE BY LEE HI

He feels himself completely running out of breath. The constant things that haunt him, making him lose the air that’s in his airs, making the sadness even harder. He drowns himself in work to not think about it; even then, he still very much forgets to breathe. But even so, if he runs out of breath, he learned that it’s okay because he’s working hard; he’s trying to get better, even if he’s failing at it. Soon, he will learn to breathe again without anyone telling him how to accomplish it.

008 LONELY BY SISTAR

There’s this overwhelming feeling of loneliness at times. He’s not alone, he constantly has people around him. He’s always making brand new friends, filling up his social circle, and the contacts in his phone that he’ll text, and talk to. But even then, he feels lonely. Is he really making friends? They care about him as much as he cares about them, right? He’s not sure; but, he also knows he isolates from the real issue that’s within him.

009 DON’T FORGET BY CRUSH FT TAEYEON DURI FT WREN

The title track to his very first album, TWO, is a song that holds great importance to him, and a reason why he put a very important person in his life, Wren, on the song. Even though it also holds the meaning of a sad love song; it holds two other different meanings as well. He’s always scared that someday Decipher could end because of the treatment from BC Entertainment of Decipher basically being in a hiatus from no group schedules and waiting so long for a comeback. Nonetheless, he wrote the song towards the members of Decipher, telling them that if they ever get separated one day and can’t go where the others are at, to not forget him and remember all the good times they had as members of Decipher. The same also goes towards his parents, who are watching over him, to never forget him, and that someday in the far, far, far future they will meet again.

010 THE DREAMER (I AM A DREAMER) BY PARK HYO SHIN DURI

Dreams are something that constantly fill him, something that he learned was rather important. This was inspired by his grandparents because they taught him to dream. They had always told him to hold upon to his dreams and do something with them. There’s an importance to dreams and he had always held onto them. He proceeds to create new dreams, holding onto them until he has the chance to completely accomplish them.

#ive been on a character development push luckily :')#i just feel emo and feel like writin duri's feelings JSKBJNFJ #✩ ⏤ a child of the cosmos; a ruler of the skies ( about. )#✩ ⏤ the soundtrack to the galaxies ( tunes. )

3 notes · View notes

cheonjaem-blog · 7 years

Text

boyfriend! kim jaehwan

how kim jaehwan, the waiter, would confess

so you really really like this restaurant on the corner of this street

like it’s your go-to restaurant and you go there all the time

the food is a1 and super authentic,, definitely a 5 star review on yelp

but you like going at night time since there’s less people and of course since you go there so often, the wait staff and the owner recognize you

and the owner really likes you and tries to get you to work there, and low key sets you up with jaehwan :)

she’s basically like your aunt

and jaehwan is always your server,, like every single time you show up he’s always waiting for you

sometimes when there’s no other customers, he comes and eats with you

he started talking to you when you laughed at one of his jokes one day

bc nobody laughs at his dumb jokes lmao he’s stupid

jaehwan said something on the lines of “why is a circle so hot? bc it’s 360 degrees”

wow you’ve never wanted to shoot someone so badly, but you ended up laughing instead bc math jokes are fucking gr9

and shitty jokes are always the start of an amazing and idiotic friendship

jaehwan slowly started falling for you each time you swung by to grab a late dinner,,, like how can someone look so good in sweats and an old stüssy jacket??

you make beauty look effortless in his eyes and wow he even loves how gorgeous you look when you show up to the restaurant in pajamas

story time: jaehwan once spilled water over the front of your shirt one time, and he kept apologizing over and over but you just laughed and joked “i guess you made me wet ;)”

and that’s when he knew you were the one

lmao jk

but for real who tf would hire clumsy jaehwan as a waiter wth

good thing he’s not the chef bc my boy tries to cook without the fire wow so genius

work makes you really stressed and you tell him about your crappy day and he actually listens to your problems and offers his advice aw

but seeing jaehwan at the end of the day really makes things a lot better

sometimes you ask him to sing for you and wow

he truly has god’s voice oml

his voice is so sweet and calming and makes you forget about your stresses,, it’s like honey

the first time you heard him sing was when you were eating and you heard him mumbling the lyrics of seventeen’s boomboom under his breath as he cleaned tables

and wow even his half-hearted singing sounded like heaven

you fall for his voice and how caring he was since he would sometimes walk you to the subway station and give you his jackets when he noticed you shivering

yeah jaehwan really likes it when you wear his clothes

at this point y’all are already pretty much dating but jaehwan’s kind of confused bc you’re sending mixed signals

like you hella flirt with him but you might just be a friendly person??

so one day he asks you out to dinner to determine your true nature

and you’re just like “wow is jaehwannie asking me out on a date?” bc teasing him is so fun lol

and he light weight is but he’s tryna play it off and go “no wth i’m too pretty for you hoe”

woW offensive,,,, we are hands thrown

so you just try to piss him off even more and say “bitch i don’t need you i already have a sugar daddy fuck off”

it’s all jokes to you but jaehwan is internally screaming like wtf do you have a side piece??

so after dinner jaehwan actually can’t take it anymore and when he’s walking you to the subway station, he’s like “what am i to you?”

and that question really gets you thinking bc what actually are you guys??

and you’re so flustered by how straight up this boy is and you can’t formulate an answer

so you end up spluttering some gibberish and jaehwan just laughs awkwardly and says “forget it” and bids his farewells

you end up texting him at night after thinking about jaehwan and thinking of a good reply to him for like 3 hours nice

“you’re someone i love, that’s what you are to me”

and jaehwan is all smiles and an actual blushing mess when he reads that and comes in the next day with his guitar, prepared to serenade you as if you didn’t love him enough already

he even prepared a confession song and everything which he totally didn’t have planned two months ago

you’re so fucking embarrassed that you don’t even go to the restaurant the next day and curl up in your blankets the whole day and bash your head into the wall repeatedly bc you’re so stupid and cringe-worthy yikes

and he didn’t even reply after your flat out confession, and all these thoughts go through your mind like what if he hates you??

this boy left you on read,, the disrespecT

but that’s only bc he wanted to tell you his feelings in real life bc he couldn’t find the words to properly convey his love for you awe

yeah you didn’t know that so you’re kind of angry at his dumb ass for not even replying,,,

jaehwan knows something is wrong when you don’t come grab dinner at the restaurant, and he’s really disappointed and anxious bc what if that confession was a joke too?? like he knows you love teasing him so what if it was a rouse to make him embarrassed?? ;;

at this point, this poor boy is doubting everything, and you’re at home singing single ladies at the top of your lungs bc boys ain’t shit tbh

don’t worry bc hunger will get the best of you and you’ll end up going to the restaurant anyway

and your petty ass will dress up hella even though it’s 12am to show this bitch what he’s missing out on

when jaehwan sees you walk through the door while he’s cleaning up and ready to close, his jaw drops bc damn you look stunning??

and he already had your favorite meal prepared before hand since he was waiting for you all night scute

you walk straight up to him and glare at him

“why tf did you leave me on read you dumb hoe”

and jaehwan’s at a loss for words bc he was waiting for you to say you loved him or some shit haha beT

“i’m sorry i wanted to tell you how i love you in person”

he starts singing crush’s beautiful and holY

wow you just melt and maybe start crying a lil bc it’s fucking beautiful

“just say you’re mine god you’re sO ruDE”

is what you scream to him in tears as you cry into his shoulder

jaehwan laughs and even his laugh is music to your ears and it makes you cry even harder

the owner of the restaurant was secretly recording this whole time and fangirling since she was shipping you guys since last year

yeah that’s the start of a dysfunctional beautiful relationship

boyfriend jaehwan is 100% sweet and 200% stupid lmao

jaehwan’s psycho laugh is the best thing in the fucking world don’t @ me, we all know it’s true

90% of the reason why you love his dumb ass

his laugh is the only reason why you laugh at his stupid puns

sings for you!!!

raspy singing at midnight to help you fall asleep

writes song lyrics thinking about you,, most of his songs are written for you or written thinking about you :’)

owns an instagram and 99% of his posts are those cute aesthetic couple pics of you two

selca king wow

knows all the right angles and lighting holy

karoake dates!!

yes karoake dates at 2am are a thing,

you love watching jaehwan sing his heart out and your heart flutters when he hits those high notes

nothing makes you smile more when you see your bby so passionate and happy doing something he loves

threatened his nasty ass that you wouldn’t cuddle or kiss him until he took a shower, washed his hands, and cleaned tf up

sO exTra

thought he was getting murdered once but it turns out he was trying to sing i will always love you

actually an embarrassment wth

when you go put on dates with him, he’s always trying to act super cool like he’s not wearing the same jeans from the 10th grade and 2 inch insoles

tried to perform seventeen’s boomboom in front of you to make you laugh and you use that video as blackmail now

what a scammer,,

god of exaggeration

“yes i’m 239 cm tall come fite me”

“i can do kung fu watch me babe”

“i’m a rap god, call me kanye east”

“i’m the dance king, exo got nothing on me”

“if i were in a kpop group, i’d be the main everything”

yeah, you’re having serious regrets about this relationship

but he tries so hard to be a good, caring boyfriend and things just don’t work out lmao

he tried to buy you roses once, but accidentally bought purple cabbage gg

tried to buy you a new album but got finessed by an unauthorized amazon seller

and of course, who can forget the time when he tried cooking without turning on the stove??

“lmao jaehwan i thought you worked at a restaurant”

it’s okay bc it’s v cute and it shows he cares about you

cooks you burnt pasta and rice sometimes but

“it’s okay babe you tried”

never let this precious idiot go!

12/10 need to marry now

#kim jaehwan #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #wanna one imagines #wanna one au #wanna one as #kpop scenarios #kpop

98 notes · View notes