#Proves even more how much they resemble my childhood trauma

[iwasbored777]

Honestly, I joke that Lila's side-plot in S5 is caused by ML Writers being dared into making an episode EVEN MORE fandom-enraging and salt-causing than "Chameleon"

Everyone who follows me knows my attitude on that side plot but also yeah ML writers LOVE making fandom argue cuz they wouldn't have made Ladynoir conflict if they didn't and also look how they constantly make Love Square better but more complicated and they knew this season will be loaded with adorable LS especially Adrienette moments so they were like "wait if we're gonna have that this means fandom will actually get along over something so let's pull the good old angst card that always works we can't have this fandom actually getting along ever also people actually like Marinette more now so why not making the fandom call her a stalker again when they defend the class either that or we get people who love Marinette now calls the class dumb or people say how Lila is wasted potential so we got what we asked for one way or another".

#That's like one of the rare things I don't get along with with my mutuals but of course you can't always get along over the same thing #It's much easier when you know exactly how this works in real life #Like everyone tells me the class would never do that #Based on what exactly do you know this Marinette literally confirmed she had no friends in said class because #Chloé bullied her and they never cared #Until Marinette stood up for herself more #I'm just happy that everything they accuse Marinette of is literally Lila #Proves even more how much they resemble my childhood trauma #And I explained it to my mom when we watched Ladybug episode together and she was like wow Marinette's friends suck #What kind of friends are they that they turn their back on her so easily #Friends trust each other they are not real friends they are just school friends that's not the same thing #Sorry for the tags tho I'm always mad whenever someone is accusing me of defending Marinette in this just because I love her #Honey I love her because she is me when I was her age #miraculous ladybug #Ml ask #ask and answer

[glowinthedarkmouse]

a rough evening w/ azriel

A/N: hi!! this is my first attempt at a more angsty kinda fanfic? let me know how i did and if you like this one! these are doing better than i expected them to so i’d love to write more for the community. also, this one is like 3x longer than what i normally do soooo, enjoy!! :) WARNING: mentions of childhood trauma and abuse

Everyone bowed as the Inner Circle sauntered through the Court of Nightmares, taking their places around the throne. Rhysand and Feyre sat upon the throne, Cassian and Azriel stood guard in front of them, with Nesta by Cass and her by Az. Amren stood directly next to Rhys, and Mor next to Feyre. Rhys spoke with Keir momentarily, before announcing for everyone to eat. 

She felt out of place in the Court of Nightmares. The others wore blues and blacks, with jewelry meant to resemble the stars. She, however, was instructed to wear only colors such as champagne and eggshell white, with jewelry made from pearls. Mor told her she was to be seen as innocent, sweet, and soft, a lighter side to the court. She was also meant to perfectly rival Azriel, who was in his usual all black, save for a white ring on his left hand. She had a matching black ring on hers as well, as they were meant to resemble a yin and yang balance for the court. To show they were capable of niceties, along with handling its enemies in a swift and dark way, to prove that they were not a court to mess with. 

She must’ve gotten lost in thought, for the next thing she noticed, she and Azriel were dancing. It was a quicker dance, one Mor had taught her many moons ago. It seems as though the muscle memory stayed through the years, for she was remembering the dance without thinking much of it.

“Are you okay? You seem out of it,” Az murmured in her ear, not wanting the busybodies of the Court of Nightmares, who had nothing better to do than gossip, to hear.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just ready to go home and take this stupid frilly dress off,” she softly whispered.

“We’re leaving here soon, love.”

“Good.”

He laughed a little at that, knowing her hatred for too much human interaction. He spoke to Rhys momentarily before leaning back down by her ear, “Rhysand says we can leave now, would you like to head home?” 

“Is that even a question, Az? Of course I want to head home,” she murmured back. He smiled softly before grabbing her hand and lightly guiding her out of the court, or at least he was planning to.

Until that bastard Keir calls his son grabs her shoulder, turning her towards him with such a force that Az knows equals a death sentence. The cheeky bastard smiles a wolfish grin, like he was the big bad wolf and she was Little Red Riding Hood, just waiting to be eaten. 

“Whoa whoa whoa, where's a pretty lady like you going with an ugly brute of a man like him?” he said with pure malice in his voice, getting closer to her and Azriel. He touched her long hair, before smiling even harder at the poor girl. 

She was in shock, for the way the male grabbed her arm hurt, a lot more than it should’ve. She stole a look at it and saw it was bright red and burning, leaving a massive imprint on her arm. She instantly goes back to when she was a young girl, when her older brothers would hurt her and leave similar imprints on her arms and legs. When they’d cut her long, beautiful hair because she was too ugly to have such pretty hair. Her hair was the last memory of her mother she had, before she passed from an illness that swept through the Illyrian camps many moons ago. She remembered her mother brushing and braiding her hair countless times a day, just from how much she loved it. Her mother had loved the freckles dotting her cheeks and shoulders in the warm summers. She swore her mother visited her dreams every now and then, brushing her hair and asking if her freckles came back every year like they used to. The freckles she’d gotten from her mother. The freckles her and her brothers shared.

She didn’t realize she hadn’t been breathing until Azriel lightly grabbed her other arm, threatening the hell out of the bastard son. She flinched away from him, only being able to think of her brothers from her childhood. Az released her arm, sort of in shock, as she’d never flinched from him like that before. He knew nothing of her childhood, knew nothing of the abuse she endured from her elder brothers. She stumbled back a bit, trying to remember where she was, before Az tried to move towards her. She took another step back, before running past him and taking flight as soon as she could, with her beautiful white wings. She truly did look angelic under the starlight, her jewelry dully reflecting the moonlight. Azriel went to shoot up after her, but Rhysand grabbed his arm before he could.

“Az, let her go just this once. She’s in a state of panic, and you won’t be able to help her like this,” Rhys told him mentally. Az kept a look of desperation on his face, wanting so badly to go after the woman he loved. A few minutes later, he added “She just got back to the House of Wind, Az. Go to her, but let her come to you. She’s been through more than one might think.” He released his grasp on Azriel’s arm, sending him a look of warning before the Shadowsinger took off into the night.

As soon as she arrived home, she went to one of the more hidden guest rooms, specifically the one with a small hidden cupboard behind the bookshelf, barely large enough to fit her small frame. The house lit a small candle that sat in a little alcove, putting off just enough light to keep the area from being pitch black. She had ripped off the tight dress on her way through the house, too upset to take it off properly. She managed to find a thin nightgown on her way to the guest room and changed, grabbed her cloak and went into hiding. This was the one spot in the house where no one could find her, for only she and Rhysand knew of the spot, as he had added it just for her. 

She brought the cloak around her body and shuffled into a slightly more comfortable position. She didn’t want Azriel to see her in this state of pure weakness. She was commonly seen as innocent and sweet, but weak was not one of the words to describe her. She softly sniffled, before curling into herself and softly crying herself to sleep.

Azriel barrelled through the doors of the house, silently cursing himself for making such a loud noise. He slowly shut the doors and walked quietly through the house, listening for any signs of life. His shadows searched the house for her, wanting to make sure she was okay. He noticed the ripped dress on their bedroom floor, instantly worrying about someone getting in before his shadows alerted him that they had found her, and that she was safe. He made his way to the room with the hidden compartment, which he went and sat next to (Cass found it one day, and is terrible at keeping secrets). He stayed up to keep an eye and ear out to make sure she slept through the night with minimal issues, guarding the room with shadows. He didn’t dare disturb her sleep, knowing how difficult it came to her some nights.

Morning came much faster than it should have, for the moment he heard slight stirring coming from inside the compartment, he silently sat up and opened the small door. Her legs fell out first, which he quickly grasped before softly setting them down, not wanting to push any boundaries. She rubbed her eyes before pulling her legs back to her, covering them back up with her cloak. They sat in silence, neither wanting to ask any questions. 

“You can have the house to yourself today, if you'd like. I’m sure there’s things for me to do elsewhere if you need the space,” Azriel said after minutes of nothingness.

“No, don’t leave me here alone today. I don’t think I could handle it,” she muttered softly, not moving from her spot in the compartment.

“I won’t leave, darling. Do you want to go lay down on the bed? There's no way you were able to properly sleep in there.”

“...yeah, can you carry me, please?” 

“Of course darling.”

He gently picked her up and grabbed her cloak, before briskly walking to their room, wanting her to get some proper rest. He pulled the comforter back before placing her down, making sure she was as comfortable as she could be. He went to walk away to go get something small for her to eat and drink before she grabbed his arm.

“Please just…stay in here with me for a while, I don’t wanna be by myself right now,” she said, slowly getting quieter with each word. He climbed into bed next to her, leaving some distance for her to decide how close they’d be. She instantly scooched over to him, softly folding her white wings around herself and his torso. He instantly wrapped the both of them in his much larger wings, knowing it would comfort her more. She started to softly sob into his chest, no longer being able to hide it from him. She slowly tells him about what happened when she was a young girl, with her brothers dipping their hands in faebane just to hurt her more. They didn’t possess the magic she did, so it never affected them. She explained the way they’d cut her hair, and how much her hair meant to her, especially after losing her mother. She told him of the cruel pranks they’d play, of the scars that he’d never seen due to a glamour she started using many moons ago, and of the vile and wretched things they’d tell her. She even told him of when she started to believe what they had been saying. She continued to cry into Azriels chest, letting out all of her pent up emotions. 

He just sat there and held her, letting her release all of this rage and anger she had been feeling for years. When she settled down some, he pulled her onto his chest and softly talked to her.

“Darling, you will never be less of a person due to what your brothers put you through. They were idiotic fools who couldn’t see the woman you would grow up to be. If they hadn’t been taken out during the Blood Rite, I would’ve seen to it that they paid for what they did to you. You are the light of my life, the yang to my yin, the one person I could never say no to. I love you so terribly much, darling. I’ll never let you feel less-than for what your brothers did. You’re my moon, my stars, and my entire life. Let me continue to show you this everyday, for as long as you’ll let me.”

She sniffled for a moment, before starting to cry harder, absolutely in love with the Shadowsinger in front of her. He held her, utterly in love with the woman in his arms.

Suddenly, something shifted.

Shifted into place.

Like it was supposed to be there the entire time. 

The mating bond. 

Just clicked. 

She slowly leaned away from him, making sure he felt it too. He looked back at her with a face of shock, but mainly a face of pure love and adoration. She lunged at him, holding him in the tightest hug she could manage. He peppered soft kisses on her cheeks while she slowly started to giggle, pushing him away. She leaned in and gave him a proper kiss on the lips, and he just melted into her, as if they were becoming one person. 

“One quick question?” she said in a more serious manner.

“Yes darling?”

“What was done about the man who grabbed my arm?”

“Oh, Rhys has him locked up far, far away, where he’ll never be missed.”

“Good,” she softly stated, “I love you Azriel.”

“I love you too, darling.”

#azriel x reader #azriel #azriel fanfic #azriel x you #acotar #a court of thorns and roses #azriel shadowsinger #azriel x reader hurt/comfort

[strangertheories]

The thing with El is that her character got Marvel-ized. I cringed so hard when she sent Henry to the UD and stood on the ground with her arms open on her sides or the whole superheroism shit n using her powers in a Marvelesque scenes just got boring and killed the tone very fast. Max's arc was more grounded because it resembled Will's emotional arc from S1-S2 combined. I also dislike Russia arc and how they portrag Hopper if i am being honest... I think for the show to capture its roots they will have to focus on Will and the Byers family narratives now... which i dont think will be enough to fix the Marvelization issue anymore.

I agree and disagree. I think S4 started off well for El's character arc, to be honest. Seeing her grieving Hopper and being in school was really interesting, and I think using Angela to explore her monster/hero dichotomy was a good choice. The exploration of her relationship with Mike in the earlier part of the season was well done, mixing his communication issues and relationship issues (Byler aside, I'm not blaming Mike for this, he's a product of his life) with the fact that she feels unlovable as a result of her mistakes and childhood trauma.

El's value has been placed in her superpowers and being a hero, so taking that away after we began to explore her individual identity in S3 seemed like a good start. Seeing her resort to violence further proved how El, after being seen as a weapon for years, is taught that she can throw something at a problem to make it go away. And I loved the exploration of her relationship with Brenner and how she finally got to tell him off.

However, I do think her many fight scenes and badass moments and throwing Vecna around plus Mike's monologue saying she's a hero which ended up sort of reinforcing her black and white thinking (I've spoken about the monologue in other posts in relation to Byler but I won't get into that here) in Volume 2 felt really hollow. I also wish she got to interact with more characters during the season and they really did not put enough emphasis on her relationship with the Byers family. S1 Joyce and El were so cute, El and Will have so much potential and I don't even think she really interacted with Jonathan. So they should've done that.

I think they can fix this in S5 though; they need to focus on how she lost. Because in El's mind, if she's not the hero, she's the villain. I have no doubt she'll blame herself for Max's "death". So, if they can deconstruct her ideas of a good guy/bad guy, set up her identity beyond other people and keep the arc grounded in her emotions (like Max in S4), they can solve the issues from S4 in my opinion. If they try to make her some epic badass superhero who is flawless and can chuck her hands at a problem, they can't.

#the byler stuff in this post is from el's pov btw #just to clarify #stranger things #el hopper #byler #byers family #mike wheeler #stranger things five #st5

[ina-nis]

I started reading about Schema Therapy again and, as any CBT-based approach, it does overlook external factors in the name of individualizing issues.

“Is your lifetrap (schema) true, or are you just validating it because you’re resisting change, since change is a long and painful process?”

It assumes issues started and stopped in someone’s childhood, when, for many people, trauma, neglect and more, are an ongoing, life-long process.

The lifetraps of marginalized people, for example, don’t stop after they reach adulthood, they may continue indefinitely.

Well, by all means, shove your head up your ass and blame yourself for not being able to cope. I still think it’s not your fault and even if you manage to, somehow, “change” these lifetraps, you’ll still have to deal with them out there - it’s just how you react to it that will be different.

Who are these many authors of these books and studies, the people who invented these theories and therapies? Modern psychotherapy was founded by white cis men. Psychology as a field is extremely fatphobic, queerphobic and racist, among other things. You don’t even have to dig too deep to find anything.

I am... mad at myself because, on one hand, yes, this is yet another way to throw sand and bury any resemblance of healing just to prove my brain “right”, and in the other hand, all of those things are true too!

“If your lifetrap is true even after you assessed pros and cons, what can you do to change it?”

That is a very good question actually.

It brings me back to one of my first questions: when is society fixing itself?

Because it’s very “easy” for me to “blame” myself for not being able to withstand “perceived” suffering and harm caused by other individuals or by society, or by a system in which I was born and put on against my will. Yeah, yeah, I’m blaming society instead of taking the blame myself - it does make me take part of the blame, since I am part of society.

What’s really infuriating is that me and others like me, and any other person who suffers under whatever the fuck is going on, are the ones that have the burden of “fixing” themselves to be able to “fit in” - believe me, we wouldn’t need to fix anything if we weren’t treated as second-rate humans, or not human at all. I could go on, honestly.

Of course, other people won’t lift a finger or do anything - they’re not the ones suffering, they’re benefiting from the system (until they aren’t, and then, we’re all on the same sinking boat).

I would’ve not developed a PD if I had an well-adjusted family, if I didn’t grow up and lived in poverty, if I haven’t had experienced so much rejection in so many aspects of my life ever since I can remember, and much more.

How many stories just like mine out there?

How many people fell under the cracks and could never see themselves out?

Even if we manage to “fix” or change our circumstances, doesn’t that just mean we’re more resilient to suffering? Or more numb?

No amount of focus on good experiences will make the bad go away. Even if you manage to stop focusing on the bad ones, it doesn’t mean they’ll stop hurting you - it’s likely they never will, you just “cope”.

Is it me being overly pessimistic or negative about good outcomes when I know these outcomes are very much conditional and require a lot of luck?

Is it really me being “treatment-resistant” when I’m able to rationalize my symptoms and being unable to fool my brain by gaslighting myself into seeing the “gooder good out there in spit of the bad”?

If anything, at least I know this is better than avoidance, so I’ll take it but... it’s still really hard to keep on going in blind. I still don’t know what to do or where to go. I sit here in my suffering and I write about it more and more, because I hope I’ll find a solution or an answer or anything that can change my life.

#inanis post

[tteokdoroki]

an ode to winter | dabi.

♡ pairing: dabi/touya todoroki x fem!reader.

♡ word count: 14.1K

♡ rating: mature, 18+, mdni.

♡ genre: manga war arc!au, single-parent!au, unplanned pregnancy!au,  angst, fluff, smut.

♡ summary: touya todoroki had broken a lot of things, your heart, promises, your window a few times, but you swore he'd never leave your child feeling that way. but when he wants back into your life, will he take no for an answer? And do you even want to say it?

♡ warning(s): please read ! heavy smut, ( literally 5k of it ), MANGA SPOILERS IN THE EXTENDED ENDING,  mentions of pregnancy, mentions of semi-toxic!relationships, struggling with parenting, blackmail ??,   unprotected sex ( wrap it before you tap it, losers ), handjobs, oral sex ( female receiving ), fingering ( female receiving ),  choking, branding, squirting, spit!kink, needy touya lol <3

♡ author’s note(s): OK so this started out as a fic for my bestie @ozzy-bozzy​ but then turned into this long ass vent fic bc i do be struggling!! i’ve barely written for touya so apologies if his character is off. special thanks to @bakugous-trauma for beta reading n @doinmybesthere for the summary and beta reading and thanks for 4.7K MWAH <3

♡ masterlist | requests

the snow had fallen heavy that day, its flakes dancing along the window panes while you’d brought her into the world. you hated the cold, the way it nipped at your nose and stung at your cheeks, how it could freeze over a heart so badly that it would take years to thaw it out. you’d complained about the ice sheets that frosted your windows to the doctors, the ones on the roads too, but they’d simply wrote it off as your anxieties related to bringing kori home for the first time in such weather.

funnily enough, your daughter much resembled the cold in many ways. you’d named her ‘kori’; meaning ice, since her hair was white as the crisp blanket of winter outside and her eyes a piercing shade of aqua marine, that for a while, had no meaning written behind them except for a cool curiosity that you knew didn’t come from your side of the family. she wasn’t warm either, the first time you held her, her flesh against yours was almost a painful spark of frostbite— you expected that it was related to the lineage she came from too.

you thought that you’d resent kori when she was born; for the struggles that her new life had brought to you. you’d given birth alone and afraid, having lost friends and contact with your family due to keeping your pregnancy a secret. if they had known who caused you to end up in this situation in the first place, you were sure you’d have lost them all anyways. you hadn’t a chance to attend maternity classes due to the hours you worked in order to ensure yourself and your child’s financial security. although, prior to her arrival, dabi had told you that if you chose to give your daughter the todoroki name; you both would be looked after when the right time came.

and like a fool in love, you’d believed him, avoiding the apologetic gazes of the doctors and midwives who’d delivered your baby as you filled out her paperwork and birth certificate. one nurse even asked you if you wanted to contact endeavour for support, and you couldn’t blame her— the rumours of your child potentially being that of natsuo todoroki’s had spread fast through the hospital and it was a given, figuring his bad boy college reputation. natsuo and his ventures into the college life were no stranger to the media, so it didn’t surprise you nor the doctors to believe that this wasn’t the first time a girl had given birth alone to a todoroki child. you suspected that if there were any, enji todoroki would have paid them off.

so you let them believe what ever false truth that might have plagued the hospital walls about yourself and your daughter— not having the heart to tell them that you’d probably receive a much larger sum of money to keep hush about the child that you mothered and the child who’s father belonged to endeavour’s deceased, eldest son.

so you realised, thumb held by the chubby hand of your sweet infant girl; that you couldn’t hate her for the mistakes you’d made and the mess you’d become tangled up in— you could only promise to do your best in raising her despite the odds and difficult circumstances, you could give her the life and childhood that her father never had but most certainly deserved.

“miss yn...”

your midwife; himari enters the room, calling for you— tearing your gaze away from the hypnotising sea-foam eyes belonging to your daughter, the way she looked at you only reminding you of dabi. you’d told him once that his eyes always took you to the mediterranean sea, to which he’d laughed and mentioned you’d never seen it before. when the pair of you realised that this was true, the boy with the black hair and intoxicating stare made an oath to you, that he would take you there someday so you could bask in the warm sun and dip your toes into the clear oceans. you only hoped that this oath still remained true.

“miss yn...” himari tries again, this time stepping further into your hospital room. your thoughts had carried you so far away that you hadn’t realised how close she’d gotten as she lingered by your cot. her hands lay flat against her pale blue uniform, nails you note—neatly trimmed— and a smile that would have made you feel comfortable had you not known she’d volunteered to care for you because she too believed she’d be paid off by endeavour. you almost felt bad that she thought the silly lie was true and that she had a shot at a big time bonus but it was funny to think that no one would believe her when she eventually took to the news to claim that she cared for the next heir of the todoroki empire. “it’s says here, that kori is scheduled for feeding— i was wondering if you wanted to continue breast feeding or try pumping a bottle or two today?”

chewing on the inside of your cheek, you hum with hesitance. feeding kori was something you’d never discussed with dabi, some of the nurses had assured you that it was possible for you to do both— so that you could grow closer to your daughter and form a tight bond whilst also giving the opportunity to others to feed her when need be. there weren’t many others, but you figured that dabi might want to give bottle feeding a whirl when he finally returned from the league business. the business that had made him miss his little girl’s birth.

kori gargles from hunger in your arms, drawing your attention back to her tiny form. a stray strand of hair curls against her forehead from underneath her blankets and swaddling— the end you notice has a slight tint of red to it. the icy shell around your heart thaws. glancing back up to himari; you grin with a decision in mind. “i’d like to try breast feeding again, we can use the pump tomorrow.” you say, voice quiet.

“do you need any help getting her to latch?” your midwife asks, aiding you into a comfortable position to feed kori.

“no,” you smile after getting settled, pushing down your gown to expose your breast to your little girl. “i’ve got her, i can take care of her.”

you say the words more so to yourself than to himari, a hidden reassurance that you’re more than capable of raising your daughter on your own.

for now at least.

that winter, dabi never came home.

the snow melts, the flowers bloom and the seasons change. your daughter grows with the swift transition of the weathers too, her hair is a little longer now but the small curl of red against her forehead remains hidden and the same. her eyes open wider, still that deep shade of ocean blue, she can sit up on her own, throws toys out of her crib  and her favourite movies are bambi and bambi two. they’re the only things that she watches, which you hate, because they remind you of her. an innocent child who loses one parent and is left in the care of the emotionally closed off other.

you hadn’t realised how much you would need dabi, but still he is nowhere to be seen.

raising kori on your own proves a challenge, especially now that she’s a little bigger— it was easy after she was born; she was quiet and only made a fuss when she was hungry or needed to be changed. went down easy too, that was until her wails reared their ugly head as soon as the colder parts of winter hit. no matter what you did, the girl would cry for hours on end until her face would hurt from how scrunched it was and her fingers would turn red from the grip she had on your hands.

since her birth, you and kori had to move three times due to the noise complaints about her consistent crying throughout the day, evening and night. by the time february rolled around, you’d ended up in an apartment not so far from dabi’s old neighbourhood— it was a shitty area with high crime rates and an eerie feel to it that made you clutch your purse tighter when you walked home from the late night shifts— you had never had any intentions to raise kori in a dump like this, you wanted a better life for her than what dabi had, but your shabby two bedroom apartment in the dark side of town would be enough for now.

the rent was cheap since your current boss at the local grocers market was close friends with the building manager, but your boss was also a sleaze who thought offering you an extra 10% off of your weekly shop and an expired coupon for the coffee joint down the street would be enough to get into your pants. he was just another thing on your list that you hated about the world, about the current life you lead but you needed to keep him close to keep your rent low and a roof over your head.

besides, it had been a few days since you last saw him at work— the asshole was probably taking a few days to himself while you and your colleagues practically ran the store.

you can’t leave kori with a sitter; they never worked with her. your daughter was far too temperamental for the average person and would spend one night with her before taking their pay and quitting. the only person able to handle your beloved little girl was the old lady who lived two floors above yours, mrs. yamamoto. she was a sweet woman, widowed by fifteen years and had taken a liking to kori that one time you’d helped with her groceries when she couldn’t make it out in the february winter after your little girl was born.

it seemed kori liked mrs yamamoto as well, she was only ever quiet in the woman’s presence and you put it down to how high she had the heat up in her apartment. one time, it was up so high the power in the building went out for an entire night— which was hell for you since kori wouldn’t stop bawling. however; you appreciated the help, you’re sure that without the help of the elder woman you would have been far under the surface— drowning in regret.

but sometimes, it’s easy for the darker emotions to slip through the cracks— take a choke hold over your sanity. there would be nights where guilt would consume you and tears would flow heavily down your cheeks while your daughter slept. it was hard being alone, no one to confide in about the troubles of parenting or to reassure you that you were doing a good job at taking care of your child.

it didn’t help that winter was coming up again, kori’s first birthday fast approaching. the sudden milestone only made you wish that dabi was around more — it hurt you to know that there was possibility he’d run out on you and his responsibilities as a father but part of you believed that your lover was better. the eldest todoroki son appeared way too excited throughout your pregnancy to leave you with nothing.

despite not being able to make it to appointments due to his criminal nature, dabi had somehow manged to find the money to get you a 4D ultra sound of your baby, telling you a few odd jobs here and there allowed him to scrape the cash together. you never asked what it was that he did, afraid of what you might find in the eyes of the man that you loved so much.

why did you allow yourself to love a man who wouldn’t have given you the time of day if he hadn’t broken into your home? his seafoam eyes a glowing shade as he threatened your life through shards of broken glass and then wails of cop sirens outside. were you just as broken as he? had you not realised it yet? you could blame this whole mess on the fact that he kept coming back, but you always let him back in. dabi was a broken man who only knew blood and grit and grime and you were the girl with a chance to lead a normal life— yet you poured all of your heart and all of your soul into loving him because you were so sure that you could fix him.

and every single time you’d convinced him, convinced yourself that what you had could be normal and domestic— dabi would slip between your sheets, pinning you to your bed with your name heavy on your lips and the emotion of love painted into the turquoise flecks in his eyes. they burned with passion while his heated cock sunk between your plush thighs and welcomed him into your warmth. the moans you’d share while your skin slapped together, creating a bubble of safety where you were the only two people on the world.

dabi made promises against your swollen lips as his fingers swirled hidden messages of desire into your slick, puffy clit. he couldn’t give you the ring, the wedding or the house with the white picket fence and dog barking at the post man in the front yard— but he could give you every part of him from the good to the bad, the beautiful to the ugly and he would seal that promise with a throaty groan of ‘you are mine and i am yours...’ into your ear as you came together.

but it seemed that like all things, dabi’s promises were broken like shattered glass— never meant to be kept or eternalised. the shards cut your delicate fingers, the pain numbed as you were left to pick up the pieces and be strong for the small life you were now responsible for.

you were careful to not let the door fly in and hit the wall opposite as you unlocked it, stumbling into your two bedroom with kori’s chubby legs locked around your hips and bag full of groceries in your other hand. “look princess,” you coo down at your daughter sweetly, watching as she drools all over your staff lanyard from work. “we’re home!” bending down, you dropped the produce off by the door before heading off to your living room area, propping kori in front of her toy mat.

smiling down at her, you brush the pure white hair that curls over her cobalt eyes and kiss her freckled cheeks— heart swooning at the way kori giggles in your arms. she’d been on her best behaviour the entire week, keeping out of trouble with the staff at her daycare and mrs yamamoto in the place upstairs, so it was only right that you treat her.

“you hungry babygirl? want mommy to make your favourite, hm?” kori is barely old enough to talk aside from a few babbles and repeats of mama but that doesn’t stop you from asking.

“mmmamamamaa!!”

you press another kiss to her baby fat cheeks before heading to the kitchen to prepare her favourite dinner— spaghetti. ever since kori started eating her solids, she hadn’t been a picky eater and you noticed that her appetite much resembled dabi’s, who couldn’t afford to be fussy about any of the meals you’d made for him before he disappeared.

making the sauce is easy, a dish you’d prepared from when you were a child and used to cook with your parents— you retrieve the ingredients from the groceries and pull out the stuff you’ll need to cook them. you mince the vegetables easily like you’d been taught as your mind gets away from you.

you wish that dabi was here to enjoy the domesticity of your current life— maybe him being around would lift the dark cloud over your life. sometimes it hurt to know that he would be missing out on moments like this and you could imagine him sitting by the couch while kori played with her toys and you cooked for them both. in this world, he’d laugh at her fascination with colder toys and magnets— make a joke about how much your little girl resembles him and kiss your cheek when you served them both up their favourite meals.

tears pool in your eyes at the thought of your wish never being granted and that’s all it takes for you to slip and cut your finger while chopping up the garlic. “fuck!” you boss, dropping the knife and squeezing your hand around the wounded digit. you know that the clattering of the knife has scared kori, and from the way she looks at you, you can already tell that she’s seen you injure yourself. “god, fuck...that hurt.”

there’s a pause in time, while you rinse your cut under the tap, cold water soothing the sting before kori starts to wail like her life depends on it. in a rush, you grab a tea towel in hopes that it’ll stop the bleeding and head straight for your baby, hoping that you’ll be able to soothe her. by the time you reach kori, her eyes are red with tears and snot dribbles from her nose down to her chin while she babbles loosely all the new words she’s learned— in a whiny tone.  

“baby, don’t cry mommy’s got you,” you murmur to her, reaching out to the little girl with open arms. your heart breaks at the way her bottom lip wobbles in a watery pout. kori crawls into your arms, white mop of soft baby hair buried into the junction between your shoulder and your neck— her tiny body shakes with awful heaves and cries while her tears dampen the old hoodie of her father’s that you wear, effectively ruining the fabric. “come on honey, it’s okay! momma didn’t mean to scare you...”

she snivels in your arms, quiet for only a second while you walk around the apartment bouncing her. walking kori up and down seems to soothe her for the most part, a trick that worked when she was first born and had her horrible crying fits. “good girl, mama’s got you...” you continue to soothe her, brushing a finger under her white lashes to remove her tears. all is well for a second and it seems her tantrum has calmed, until she grabs onto your wounded finger and makes you curse in pain again.

“shit!”

“m-momma-!” kori whimpers, face creasing in pain as her cheeks start to heat up again. you fear that if you don’t do something soon she’ll bust a lung from crying.

you shake your head in an attempt to calm her down, baby sobs striking right through your body and resume bouncing her, hoping that it’ll work. “shhh kori, honey, it’s okay— mommy’s okay and so are you...” in the process of comforting her, you somehow trip over the discarded knife, sending it flying into the cabinets across from the island and making another loud noise that further spooks kori.

at this she screams bloody murder, the sound of her little chest heaving giving you a splitting headache. you were tired, tired of your daughter’s crying , working long hours with no help and raising a child all on your own. you were tired of the pain spreading through your head and your body and your heart. you needed an out or break at the very least.

you should feel guilty for what you’re about to do, heading for the nursery with a heaving baby in your grip. you can’t think of anything better to do than put kori down for a nap and hope that her crying tires her out— you do your best to pry the little girl from clinging onto your clothes and tuck her into her crib as she sniffles, quickly backing out of her room before she can call for you and make you feel even worse than you already do.

you close the door quietly behind you, somewhat sliding down it while your own sobs take over your body— shaking you violently as you hug your knees to your chest. you don’t know how long you sit there, biting your lips and holding onto in your whimpers while tears stream down the apples of your cheeks, but eventually

you find yourself drifting off with dreams of your happy family.

you jump awake a few hours later, surrounded by a thick darkness from the sky outside. the hum of the city streets helps to bring you back down to earth as you rub the sleep from your puffy eyes and blink away the exhaustion. you don’t quite remember when you’d fallen into a slumber but you figure that kori must have eventually, judging by the quietness that surrounds your apartment.

the blanket of the night allows your guilt to burn brightly in your chest— you shouldn’t have left her alone. scrambling to your feet, you stumble over to the kitchen counter and grab your phone to read the time. 11:06pm. it’s just about time that you check on your daughter, but with two steps of heading to the nursery and you’re met with foreign sound that doesn’t quite fit in with the usual creaks and squeaks of your apparent.

happy gurgles belonging to your baby creep out from underneath her bedroom door, low humming or singing to accompany her sweet sound. humming that you don’t recognise. with a pang of fear to your heart, you reach for the knife on your kitchen floor as a weapon of defence— this would go down nicely with the police. a single mother on self defence...yeah, that could work out.

the knife shakes in your hand as you approach kori’s nursery, barely steady even when you push open the door.

“...touya?”

nothing could prepare you for what you’d see after walking into that room but when your eyes fall witness to your love standing in the centre of the room with a little tuft of white hair cradled to his bare chest. the air around you tingles with warmth as if dabi has heated the place up with his quirk and your little girl curls into him as if she’s known him all her life. but she hadn’t, he hadn’t.

all at once, your heart heals just as it breaks— it’s been so long since you’ve seen the villain that you can’t help but notice all the changes in him, the way his eyes droop a little more with exhaustion and his hair dusted with a the slightest bit of white. he was noticeably thinner too, maybe from being away from a warm bed and good food for too long...so a half of you was relieved that he was home, the other— hurt and betrayed.

“hey beautiful,” dabi’s timbre voice fills your entire being, stimulating your senses into a dull tingle. his lips a drawn into soft smirk as he rocks kori back and forth, your  baby’s eyes flutter with the gentle indication of sleep. “how’ya been?”

if you weren’t frozen in shock, you would have given the villain a piece of your mind. how dare he...after all this time apart from you, from his daughter...ask how you were doing? your eyes flutter to the open window behind the oldest todoroki son, as if you need to look away from him to convince yourself he’s real and he won’t disappear when you look back.

proven right by meeting the cool, chartreuse sea of his eyes— your throat runs dry as all you’d ever dreamed of saying in this moment, flees from your mind. “what are you doing here?” you say, trying to sound firm even though your voice falls through.

touya stays quiet, twirling a long finger through the small curls on his—your daughter’s head. “i was in the neighbourhood.” he mumbles, gaze tearing away from you to focus on the content infant he has in his arms.

you should feel angry, you should be screaming and kicking at dabi— forcing him out of your home with your child safe in your own arms but your body doesn’t will you to. hurt seeps through your veins at the casual aura in his tone. of course dabi would treat the situation as if it never existed and that he’d been with you the whole time. the pain of seeing him with her as if he’d been in kori’s life from the very start wraps around your heart in a poisonous grip and squeezes hard until you’re choking back a sob, letting it sit in the base of your throat.

you refuse to break in front of him.

“you need to go. you need to put her down and you need to leave.” you attempt to assert yourself in a harsh bark, almost making dabi jump. he’d never seen you like this before, but then again he hadn’t seen you in a year. he could only imagine what motherhood had done to you, especially facing it on your own. touya hesitates, kori shifting in his soft grip— one he didn’t even know that he had as a villain but you steady yourself and repeat your words. “touya, i said you need to leave.”

“why? so you can fall asleep and leave her crying on her own again?” the villain spits out, harsher than he intended. he watches your face fall and your body curl in on itself and he feels bad. dabi had promised you a lot of things since realising he loved you, and not hurting you like his father hurt his mother was one that he’d just broken. relenting, the dark haired villain eases kori from his pec and tucks her into her crib.

there’s a beat of silence and then. “i’m sorry.”

“you should be.”

“yn,” he sighs, running a hand through the light roots of his hair as he leans over his child’s crib. the young father tilts his head, scanning kori’s face while he identifies every characteristic she has from the family he’d done his best to free himself of.   “i’m sorry, it’s just— just that she was cold and crying, so i took off my shirt and held her and she warmed up and—“ dabi pauses his quiet rambling, finally looking up from the slumbering baby tucked away into powder blue silk and locks eyes with you. “and she probably has my mom’s shitty quirk. and i can’t get over how much she looks like them, how big she’s gotten.”

touya finds his shirt after admitting that, throwing on the thin white material before closing the window he came through. he moves with the swiftness that comes with his job, and it’s almost peaceful to watch. you stay plastered by the door, torn between falling right into the palm of his hand and demanding the answers that you and your daughter deserve.

it makes you feel a little sick when he gazes down at kori with pride, it makes you queasy at how easy she was to handle to him. touya todoroki doesn’t know half of what it was to raise his child...but did that make you a bad mother? was there something he shared with kori that you didn’t? dabi hadn’t known what it was to love someone other than himself until he’d met you, but you’d spent your entire life around family and friends who took care of you and made you feel cherished every day. you had all of that before you had dabi, and you’d given it all up for him.

shouldn’t you be the one to easily put your daughter down for a nap? to soothe her tears? and for him to come so briskly into your lives and take care of it all when he doesn’t even know what you’d been through, hurts most of all.

“you don’t even know her,” you start, tremble to your bottom lip as the sob in your throat builds up and threatens to burst. “you never saw her after she was born, never cut the cord, never knew her weight. you don’t know how tiny she was when she came into the world, you don’t know because you didn’t come!” with each word, stray tears manage to escape from your tired eyes, but you’re too fixated on dabi to bother to wipe them. it hurts to cry, it stings even as they stream down the apples of youth cheeks but you don’t move.

“yn, sweetness, i—“

“i know how much she weighed when she was born, four pounds and thirteen ounces. she was so tiny i was scared that she would break—“ you’re gasping now, almost choking yourself out on the pain that burns brightly in your lungs and claws its way up your throat. “i know her favourite foods, what fabrics irritate her skin, her favourite stuffed toys, how she likes to be swaddled in her blankets at night or that her curls make her face itch but they’re practically untameable.”

you start to heave, losing breath with every word and dabi does nothing but watch, keeping an eye on kori to make sure she stays sleeping as he steps towards you. “i know that i love her more than i’ve loved anything in my entire life, despite how much i suffered alone bringing her into this world. and i know that i named her kori after the ice that frosted the windows of my hospital room while i waited for... you.”

touya remains emotionless while you descend into madness, letting you cry it out. “i’ve been watching...”

you want to scream, beat his chest and blame him for how insane you’ve become. “watching isn’t enough touya, she needed you. i-i needed you.” you whimper, falling limp against the door frame as your hands move threateningly towards your hair as if you’re going to rip it out from the root. “...you couldn’t come and visit? not once i-in the eleven months that she’s been alive? not once while she’s been breaking me down and giving—“

“giving you a hard time? i tried, i took care of you from afar...i’m the one who made your boss disappear. the one who put his hands on you.” dabi sneers towards the end of his once gentle words, standing a breaths width away from you. you hate that you crave the same touch from him as he gave to kori, but you’re still so mad at him.

eventually, it all becomes too much and you succumb to the tears that wrack your exhausted body. you sway with each choked wail that tumbles from between your chapped lips and dabi surges forward to catch you after kicking the knife from earlier away, letting you sink into the warmth of his embrace. he feels like home, smells like safety and not a word is uttered as he brings you to the floor and cradles you like he did with his daughter.

dabi doesn’t need to say sorry when he shows you through how close he holds you to his heart.

when you finally calm down, dabi lifts you bridal style to your bathroom and draws you a bath with the salts and lavender extract from the cupboard above the sink. neither of you speak except for when he softly offers to help you undress— to which you decline— and when he tells you he’s going to fix something to eat.

you knew damn well that the villain could not cook, he hadn’t been when he was little since endeavour took away the entirety of his childhood and you’d only taught him the basics when he was still on the run and stopped by your place from time to time. his favourite thing back then had been to watch you cook to the weird music you kept playing, hips swaying to the beat and a sparkle in your eyes— but you didn’t do that anymore, he could tell those days were long gone.

dabi orders in takeout in the end and you have half a mind to curse him out for using your money— but the day’s events have exhausted you beyond your wits end, so you eat with him in silence atop your double bed after dressing in an old shirt of his. “stay the night.” is what you tell him, scared that he’ll leave. he puts his cigarette out on your balcony. the doors usually stayed locked so kori couldn’t crawl out on her own but you opened it for him since dabi liked to smoke and you hated the ash.

he promised to quit back then, and he hadn’t now.

“i’ll stay.” dabi says, throwing the butt over the ledge and stripping his clothes as he follows you to bed. he decides not to mention he wanted to stay anyway. you peel back the covers enough for him to slip in behind you, heated arms wrapping around your waist and settling on your tummy, where he rubs small patterns into your skin. the villain’s chest is  overwhelmingly warm against your back— reminding you of the days where you would spoon and he’d wait with baited breath for kori to kick.

both of you lay together, wide awake in the dark for goodness knows how long. touya’s breath balmy against the nape of your neck and if you focused hard enough, you could feel his eyelashes fluttering against your skin. he pretends to sleep, refusing to acknowledge that his proximity to you affects him in the worst of ways— evident in how his prominent hard on presses against the swell of your ass.

rolling over, your heart skips a beat at the way your love’s eyes still manage to glow brightly in the dark— ignited by the flames of his quirk and emotions of angst from the past.

they flicker as he looks to you, pale skin illuminated by the silver moon slipping in from your balconies, scars as enticing as ever. tentatively, you reach a hand out to cup his face, not kidding the apprehension that paint his matured features even as you run your fingers down the scars on his jaw. “been a while since we’ve been like this,” is all you can muster up, leaning forward to press a kiss to his cheek while your free hand snakes between your bodies in an attempt to pleasure the man.

fear strikes you right in the chest, leaving you panting as dabi flips you onto your back quickly, pinning your wrists against the bed. “don’t,” he growls, almost feral in tone and in his eyes. “don’t do something you might regret in the morning.”

you lay still, staring at the man above you in an attempt to read him. doing so had always been hard, but tonight you can see every detail of his life and every part of him.  the fear of being his father and disappointing another group of people, a broken man torn between the people he loved and the life he led— you could finally see him. you wondered if it hurt him to be away from you and his child, if he ever thought of you.

you take a deep breath, fabric of the sheets fuzzy in your ears as you shake your head up at him. “i could never regret being with you,” you sigh, dabi’s gaze lowering. “i just need you...”

your proclamation is all the permission dabi needs before he ascends on your neck, almost whimpering at the taste of your skin against his tongue. you know that he’s avoiding your lips, scared that things may not feel the same if he kisses you there— as if your love might have fizzled out from the months that you’ve been apart. the villain’s mouth is hot against your skin, sharp teeth sinking into the column of your throat— it’s not hard for him to find the spots that make your back arch and body tingle, the dark haired man  would be embarrassed to admit that he had your body mapped out in his brain. you were all that he thought about in the months between then and now.

you miss his lips, but you fear that if you push your love to far he’ll clam up and withdraw from you completely. you can’t lose him while you have him now. in the meantime, your bodies press against one another hotly, burning while dabi paints shades of blue and purple deeper than his eyes against your flesh before lapping at each love bite with an odd tenderness people wouldn’t think he possessed at first glance. as he works, touya loses grip on your wrists, allowing them free roam across the expanse of his back.

your nails leave light tracks across his back, trailing up from his muscled back to the nape of his neck— curling in the white roots of his hair in an attempt to tug him up to your lips. “baby,” the old pet name tumbles from between them before you can catch yourself, laboured from where you’re short of breath. “please kiss me, please..”

with newly mussed hair, dabi is still for a moment before leaving one last mark at where your jaw meets your neck— wet tongue lolling over the fresh bruise while his large palm move back to cup your head. a thumb belonging to a scared hand runs over your bottom lip, pulling the plump flesh down while he watches your face for a reaction. “are you sure that’s what you want, beautiful?” the villain chuckles into the dark of the night, pink muscle running over his own lips to wet them in anticipation. “you want your man to kiss you?”

your senses go into overdrive, desperate for any kind of contact from the man above you— he feels so close and yet, a million miles away, even with his body making its way between your thighs and your chests pressing together eagerly.

“touya—“ you breathe, barely able to finish your sentence before the man himself delves deep into your mouth. his lips move with hesitance at first, sucking on yours slightly and parting for air more often than he should but you grip him by the whites of his hair firmly and tug him further into the kiss. your tongue dances along the seam of his lips, prying them open as you seek permission for entrance— dabi groans lowly as you tug on his roots and force your way into his mouth, tasting him as if it were your last time.

you swallow each of his moans that mingle softly with your own, while your tongues dance together messily— the kiss were and sloppy as if the two of you were out of practice. your worries fly out of the window from there, it’s good to know that neither of you had been with others during your time apart instead you feel like a teenager making out with their highschool crush for the very first time. dabi’s hips rut into the plush bed beneath you both and you can tell that even the slightest touches are riling him up beyond belief— it’d been almost a year since he’d felt you against him in any way and it didn’t help that you were so ready to accept him.

that you still wanted him.

whimpering at the thought, the villain pauses against your lips to catch his breath— panting softly. you can feel him pulling away, questioning if he deserves to be with you after everything he’d put you through. so, cupping dabi’s jaw, you let your free hand slip between your heated bodies and glide your fingertips along the waist band of his sweats.

“yn, i ain’t so sure about this,” dabi sighs, body twitching at the proximity of your hands to his hardness, his eyelids flutter shut and lock away his beautiful blue eyes— holding fear, insecurity and desire. “what if ya’still regret this later on?”

smiling up at him, you thumb at his cheek and work your hand deeper into his pants, past his underwear. “you’ve been away too long baby, i would regret not being with you more,” you coo up at him just as you grasp at his hardened length, watching as dabi shudders in your grip. his cock leaks hotly against your soft palm from going untouched for so long, your fingers explore him— tracing down the thick veins on the underside of his length. “let me make you feel good tonight.”

“fuck, sweetness. talk pretty with that filthy fuckin’ mouth of yours.” touya breathes heavily against your mouth, both of yours falling open in hot moans. cheekily, you run a thumb over his tip, circling the slit at the top. dabi collapses on top of you, burying his mop of salt and pepper hair into your neck as he drives his hips into your hand at his own leisurely pace. “y’better live up to those words—shit, don’t go letting me down, princess.” jade orbs finally open, heavy with lust and desire as the air around you tingles with a newfound desire to make each other feel good, settling on the planes of your marked and scratched skin.

your grip around dabi tightens while he fucks into your closed fist, wet sounds filling the room from where he leaks at his bright red tip— almost hot as his hands that dance up your sides and tenderly touch at your hips. so unsure, yet so needy. clear, thick precum guides the movement of your hand as it slides up and down your lover’s girth— he’s much bigger than you remember, swollen with an impending orgasm and dabi stutters when you reach further down his boxers to grip at weighty balls full of his seed, just about ready to burst.

he howls from deep within his chest, the noise only muffled from the drool that glides across his tongue before the villain’s wandering and scarred palms stop at your rib cage, settling just under your breasts. you don’t bother to stop pleasuring him even as his quirk ignites, blue flames burning right through your night shirt to expose your skin to the cool night air.  without even a second thought, dabi’s mouth ascends on your tits, taking one into the hot cavern while his free hand seers marks over the other.

the thought have being branded by your man makes your hips jump and your hand squeeze his cock in your grip— a reminder of what’s to come later on. his strawberry tongue rolls across your hardened nipple and you yelp in surprise with the sudden feeling of cool metal across the exposed flesh. “y-you have your tongue pierced?” you squeal as dabi repeats his actions, loving the way you arch your back into his mouth and your heart rate speeds up.

“never know when a bit of metal’s gonna come in handy, sugar tits.”

you barely have time to formulate a response before your boyfriend’s mouth is back on you, biting and sucking and marking your raw flesh like a man starved of his last meal— you don’t let up either, quickly pumping his cock as he continues to leak, painting your hand with teases of his incoming release. you’re sure that his sweatpants and the sheets below you will be stained with his arousal from how much precum oozes from his dick, slicking up your hands and creating the perfect flashlight but you don’t dare to think of anything else but the way dabi’s face twists with pleasure as he desperately thrusts himself into the softness of your palm.

his cheeks flush red, globs of drool connecting the roof of his mouth to his tongue while his eyes grow fuzzy at each step he takes closer to orgasm, the very drool from his mouth covers each of your breasts as dabi switches between them— creating a layer of wet against your supple skin that shines under the moon. you flick your wrist around him, faster, harder— giving the villain everything you’ve got to make him feel good.

“shit pretty girl, y’gonna make me...cum,” touya shakes in your grip, eyes crossing and tongue becoming lazy against your marked up chest. his salvia pools against your skin while he pants and fucks your wet hand as if it were your pretty little cunt clamping down on him. “fuck, fuck, fuck. don’t you fuckin’ stop, don’t you dare fuckin’ stop...”

he barks out the demands, but there’s a neediness to his tone and whine to his voice that makes you grin with pride, even if you’re barely there from having your nipples stimulated beyond belief. “cum for me touya, please, wanna feel you come undone for me.” you beg him, ever so slightly and it’s just enough to push the villain over the edge, sending him into an earth shattering orgasm. you don’t dare to stop as you jerk him off, guiding down from his high as his cock twitches from release and paints your knuckles with the thick white of his seed. he mewls contendly into your breasts, slowing his hips while the world of colours dance behind his cerulean eyes.

“here with me yet?” you murmur to him, grasping his wild locks to tilt his head up towards your face— dabi looks so blissed out but the smirk on his raw and bitten lips tells you the night is far from over.

pressing a searing kiss to your sternum, your boyfriend’s pierced tongue makes yet another appearance as he trails the muscle down your soft tummy— biting your navel as he goes. “never left gorgeous, but don’t you fucking dare think for a second that this is over, y’got that?” he sits up quickly, grabbing hold of your doughy thighs and using them to pull you down the bed. the pads of his fingers start to burn marks into your skin, dancing along your legs and stopping just above the waistband of your underwear. “gotta stretch this cunt open before i give you my cock, remind you of who the fuck you belong to.”

spreading your thighs nice and wide, you release a breath you hadn’t realised you’d been holding as dabi’s hands finally come into contact with your slit, prodding at your slick folds from over your panties. lowering his face between your open legs, your boyfriend hums in satisfaction as he peels your sticky panties away from your pussy. “why, babydoll, you’re so fucking wet down here. this can’t all be for me, can it?” touya teases you, hot breath fanning against your unused sex while his fingers play with the string of your slick that coats them. “y’must’ve missed your man badly for your lil cunt to look this fucked up, s’pecially when i haven’t even touched’ya yet.”

you shiver and nod weakly, willing to say or do anything to feel more of your boyfriend against you. “s’all for you dabi, o-only you could get me this wet, n-no one else could take your place...” you mewl, hips bucking into the air while the man himself watches you grow needier and needier, hormones expelled into the air. dabi grins, leaning into your core once more to press his nose into your wetness, sniffing your spiked panties like the dirty man he is— only to then lay his pierced tongue flat against your folds, tracing your hole with the muscle while his nose bumps at your clothed clit.

“saved this all for me, huh? you’re so loyal, sweetness. waiting for me all this time…” he kitten licks at your cunt until you’re writhing amongst the already solid sheets, forcing his spit into your hole from over the thin fabric of your panties, creating a more prominent outline of your puffy lower lips as your thighs quieter around his head. they threaten to close as he works on you through your underwear— teasing and prodding at your sex to see if you respond the same way to his touches as you used to.

you force your shaking through his black and white locks, grabbing hold of his roots in an attempt to pull dabi back to your heat when he lifts his head from between your thighs— pushing your lips into a pout. “no, no no, baby, please— need you to eat my cunt, want your mouth on me, please!” you cry out, but you’re quickly pacified by his scarred hand which cups your pussy— seat of his hand grinding into your clit.

“god, if i had known you were still this eager to fuck me i woulda come home a long time ago, babydoll.” he chuckles, licking up your inner thigh and biting down on the plush flesh. “need’ta get rid of these though, they’re getting in my way.” the villain gestures to your panties, making you watch as his quirk burns it’s way through the silky material until it’s nothing but ash against your sheets. you gasp as soon as your cute little pussy is exposed to the cool air, missing the warmth of touya’s pink tongue against it. “better.” he sneers, eyes bright and glowing in the dark with a new sense of feral desire.

thick digits press into your tight hole at the same time touya takes to sucking on your swollen clit, forcing their way up your velvet walls in search for your pleasure spot. dabi chuckles against your sticky folds as you begin to whine, hips rolling up into your lover’s face while his tongue draws rough patterns onto your bud. you’ve missed him, missed this. the nights where the villain dabi would sneak into your home, becoming your touya todoroki between the four walls that you shared— where you would spend nights seeing stars by his hand or his cock and he would make you his over and over again. the memories have you clamping down on his digits like there’s no tomorrow, greedily sucking them in as he strokes at the walls of your sex and makes your whole body shake.

touya works hard at pleasuring you, apologising for his absence through slurping the juices from your folds only for you to gush and paint his scarred chin with more of your nectar. the way you taste makes him dizzy, he could spend the rest of his life between your thighs and never miss the outside world like he did before tonight. he wants to be good for you, make you feel good too and it’s not enough to feel the ecstasy roll off of your heavenly body in waves— he wants all of you, mind, body and soul to belong to him.

you can barely breathe, leaking with every swipe of his tongue against you and every twist of his fingers inside of you. you can feel everything at once, the euphoria crackling across your brain, high on the way touya makes you feel. “god, t-touya, don’ stop...feel so fucking good…” you heave in a drawn out moan, barely able to tell what’s up and what’s down as the villain pulls his fingers from your slick hole and replaces them with his tongue ( only after they’ve pushed down on your g-spot over and over again ).

“you’re not the one giving orders, sweet stuff, oh no.” dabi reminds you sloppily, looking like a child with no table manners as your nectar smears across his face. for his own satisfaction, he delivers a harsh smack to your pussy, watching as your entire body jolts and jumps up the bed. “your cunt is mine and i’ll do what i want with it, show you how much i missed it.”

his possessive words almost set you off, the knot in your stomach growing tighter with every pinch of your nub and every swirl on his tongue inside your walls, committing every ridge to memory. your body burns and you’re not sure if it’s from dabi pressing against you so hotly or because of the desire that fuels the fire inside you.

“yours, yours, yours!” you chant like a mantra, high pitched and whiny— your voice mixing with the crude sounds of your own pathetic cunt, that grows louder when dabi spits on your clit to add to your wetness. he lets it drip between your folds, fingers to busy with stimulating you to catch it before it slides between your lower cheeks, opting to use his tongue on you instead.

“ya’like that don’t you? missed your whinin’ pretty girl, fuck, even missed making you a fucking mess.” you keen into his touch, babbling incoherent praises to the man between your legs as he spreads you wider by the ass with one hand and forces his fingers back into your cunt with the other. his fingers curl into a come hither motion, repeatedly pressing down on your spongy spot as he sloppily makes out with your puffy nub— taking only one, two, three strokes to make your eyes roll into the back of your skull and your orgasm to wash over you.

your body convulses, shaking as you’re hit hard by your release— juices gushing all over your lover’s face even as he refuses to let up. “t-touya no...no no...can-can’t,” you whinge, tears clumping in your lashes. dabi spreads your lips again, using three digits instead of two to continue stimulating your clit until another release builds up inside your lower belly— clear liquid gushing out of your abused pussy and staining the sheets below.

he hums proudly, pressing a lasting kiss to your fluttering hole before reaching up to your lips to do the same, barely allowing you the time to catch your breath— chest heaving while you come down from your high. “so pretty when you squirt for me like that, sweetness,” dabi moans into your mouth, allowing you to taste yourself on him. but as soon as he comes, he’s gone— rolling you onto your stomach and lifting your hips so your ass sits in the air for him. “gonna take my cock now, kay?”

“kay,” you mumble into the sheets, brain too  fuzzy to resist as the villain manhandles you the way he wants.

after shoving down his sweatpants, the eldest todoroki grips the peachy soft flesh of your ass— smacking it a few times with his heat activated palms to watch the flesh jiggle and his handprint sink into the skin. you lean back, watching over your shoulder as his cock stands at full attention, hard from seeing you come undone on his fingers and tongue. it burns bright red at the tip, another fat glob of precum making it shine and making you dribble with anticipation. “y’such a fuckin’ slut, my beautiful slut… hungry for my cock even after i’ve wrecked your lil pussy so bad,” dabi says with a cocky lilt to his voice, the very tone making your hole clench around nothing. he taps his sticky cockhead against your slit, running it up and down your cunt three or four times— groaning as it slides between your cheeks. the sensation causes your back to arch as you wail, fingers gripping the bed covers so tight that you almost cause them to tear. “don’t you worry baby, ‘m gonna make up for lost time, you don’t have to miss me anymore.”

there’s a double meaning to his words that you don’t ask him to elaborate on, too caught up in the way he teases your hole as he dips his length in— only to pull it right back out. “don’t tease, need you badly,” you plead, earning yourself another harsh spank to your raw ass cheeks.

“shut the fuck up and let me fuck you,” the words are harsh against his tongue, but dabi utters them softly as he relents to his wishes. his cerulean gaze flutters down to where your bodies begin to join, his large hand gripping his length before he starts to push into your dribbling entrance. “god, you’re s’fuckin’ tight, you might as well be a virgin.” pussy spasming at his words, you leak against touya’s cock, creating a lewd squelching sound as he pushes more of himself into you. the weight of dabi’s thick girth causes painful, yet delicious burn which he eases by rubbing soothing circles into your clit once more. “been s’long, i outta fuck you open again, huh?”

“uhuh, take me again touya. make me yours, all over again.” you slur over the spit drowning your tongue, eyes fluttering shut when the villain’s hips surge forward his dick brushes against your cervix. his rough, calloused palm grabs your neck from behind, forcing you down into the sheets while he bottoms out inside of you and pushes the last of his cock past your entrance. the two of you groan in unison, touya sitting heavy inside of your walls before you muster up the energy to say. “move.”

he doesn’t need to be told twice, whilst dabi was enjoying the feeling of being engulfed by your soft, warm insides— cock twitching in relief from time to time— he finds it within him to pull back from your selfish cunt to thrust into you with all his might. the force pulls a broken squeal from between your bitten and bruised lips, your hips pushing back against dabi to keep him inside of you. the pair of you move in sync, bodies dancing in a sensual grind between lovers that moulds your cunt into the shape of your boyfriend once more. “oh fuck yeah baby, oooh, missed your cunny s’bad…” dabi yowls loudly, listening for the squashy sounds of your sexes moving against one another. “christ, you like when i talk about your pathetic little pussy like this?”

you bite down on your lower lip, embarrassed by your own bleats of pleasure when he degrades you like this. annoyed by your lack of answer, touya grabs onto your hips and pulls you off of his cock, only to slam them back into you seconds later. his pace is unforgiving and relentless from there, forcing your body up the bed with every thrust into your core. “yes! like it, love it, missed your cock so bad touya!” you cry, holding onto the sheets for dear life as his dick drags along your pleasure spots and his hands burn marks into your ass and hips.

weakly, you attempt to match his thrusts. circling the meat of your ass back onto dabi and squeezing around the head of his girth every time it plunges into your sopping pussy. your arousals mix as he pounds away at your hole, a thick string hanging between your bodies and dribbling down your inner thighs, tainting innocent skin. the wet noise reverberates across the room, creating a passionate symphony with dabi’s deep, pitiful moans.

even though it had been a while since the two of you had been intimate like this, dabi still knew all the ways to get your body going. he took you from behind but still let his marred hands wonder and explore the planes of your skin, pinching here and there, marking your body as his to use and his alone. there’s love hidden beneath his rough touches, little signs that he missed having you so close to him— having you split open on his cock while you dripped on his pelvis and ruined your bedsheets, was his own way of unleashing his pent up emotions of love, anger and despair onto you and you wanted it. you wanted his good and his bad while he fucked you like his life depended on it, balls deep inside the pussy of the woman he loved was where he was most vulnerable with you.

“s-shit, sweetness, you’re such a pretty mess, so fucked up on my cock, can feel you clamping around me like my greedy bitch should.” you’re stuffed so full, clenching every time touya drives his cock deeper into your gummy cunt, head prodding at the sensitive bundle of nerves inside of you. he’s losing his mind at how you choke out his iron hot girth, clear liquid seeping down your thighs at every thrust. “you’re my beautiful brain dead baby, letting me fuck you like this, yeah? missed you baby, missed this,” despite his words, touya is no better than you, mind hazy with thoughts of you creaming around him because of how good he’s made you feel. him, and no one else. you saved yourself for him after all these months, the least he could do was bring you to cloud nine.

he does so by angling his thrusts up to meet your pleasure spot every time, howling your name in the way he knows you like just to feel your hot cunny spew more of your juices out against his tummy. “missed you, thought about this for months,” you lament, elbows that kept you up finally giving out as your body tiredly collapses into the sheets— dabi’s balls still clapping against your ass. he follows you down into bed covers, chest pressing hotly against your back as the jackhammers into you from behind. “thought about your fat cock in my tight pussy, t-touched myself to you...made being alone worth it, made waiting for you to come home worth it. ‘cause i get to see your beautiful face when you fuck me…” you barely register what you’re saying, babbling incorrectly while the temperature of your body rises with your level of arousal.

behind you, touya’s cheeks burn with a new feeling. deep down, all he wanted was to be validated as a lover to you, he’d always been deemed as the bad guy incapable of feeling anything for anyone other than himself. but you, you had proved him wrong so many times and he still found your words hard to believe. yet, it felt good to know how much you loved him. snaking a hand down to your face, the villain squishes your cheeks together and brings you up to his own face despite the arch to your back— he keeps up his sinful pace, your lower cheeks bouncing with every push and pull of his length while he drips a globule of his saliva into your pouting mouth. “shut up,” he grunts harshly, although love is written across his cobalt eyes.

you smile up at him dopily, keeping eye contact with him as you swallow gratefully. “anything for you,” his hands slip from your squashed cheeks to your throat, cupping it as he holds you against him. more arousal pools in your lower stomach, turned on by the thrill of him being able to end your life right then and there, all it would take would be one flame but you know more than anything that dabi loves you and would never hurt you. “i love you, touya todoroki. i a-always will.”

your admission makes dabi’s heart stop in his chest, heated pants tickling your ear as he continues to take you and claim your body as his. with newfound vigor, he links his free hand with yours that lays against the bed and rams his cock into your core as hard and as fast as he can, determined to make you cum. “i—oh fuck, i love you too, sweetness…” the arsonist can feel the way your cunt flutters around his girth at his confession, tears building up in your eyes once more. god, you were so pretty like this, arched for him perfectly in the moon, stars illuminating every curve and dip on your body— showing off the stretch marks from where you’d carried his child. everything about you turned him on in the best possible ways and everything about you that turned him on, also turned out to be everything he loved about you.

your stupid big heart, your stupid big eyes when you say that you love him, your stupid smile when he used to kiss you and hold you and even now when he fucked you. touya todoroki was in love and in the worst possible way but he couldn’t say he regretted a single moment of it, not when you stayed true to him after all these months of being apart. you raised his child and you loved him all the same and a part of him is grateful that you never turned your back on him like everyone else he’s ever loved.

so the least he could do is make love to you, push his creamy cock into the depth of your core while kissing down your spine to watch you shudder oh so cutely. it’s messy and sloppy and the pair of you should feel nasty for the stench of sex in the air, lingering against your skin. but you don’t, how could you? not when love and adoration tingles in the air as well, it’s messy because of the unadulterated emotions you feel for one another— deep in vulnerability is where dabi grinds his cock slowly into you, hitting all the right places that make you scream his name into the night. makes him mumble incoherent praises against your bruised neck and squished cheeks as he lewdly licks a stripe up the column of your neck to behind your ear.

you gush around him and he grunts with ecstasy into your ear, tightening that knot in your stomach as you both step closer to your highs. “you like the way i fill this cunt up, huh? yeah? when i hold you like this, when i fuck you like this?” dabi mutters to you lewdly, holding onto his sanity by a thin thread as his own release sneaks up on him. “tell me you like it...fuck sweetness, please.”

“i love the way you fuck me touya, fuck! only you can make me feel this good,” you moan to appease him, bouncing back against his cock while his hips begin to stutter and your eyes begin to cross. it’s true, you love belonging to him, being able to bring him such pleasure and you know he feels the same way. the villain prods at your g-spot over and over again, stealing your breath away as he pulls you up and into your chest, changing the angle of his hips to bring you to the last hurdle. “baby—ohmygod—-touya! ‘m sososo close, don’t stop...don’t stop, gonna cum, give it to me, give it to me please!” you chant, eyes fluttering shut as you lean your head back against his shoulder and search for his hand, voice rising with every octave as you get closer and closer.

“fucking cum for me sweet girl, shit, cum all over this fucking cock.” dabi manages through gritted teeth, grasping your hand while the pace of his thrusts grow inconsistent.

that’s all that you need to hear before the damn breaks and arousal floods through your entire body courses through your veins. white dances behind your eyes in flashes as your release flushes out of your pussy and drips between touya’s balls, coating them in a layer your honeyed slick. you slump against your boyfriend, not able to mutter a word as you convulse in a silent scream and squeeze both his hand and cock alike.

gently, he pushes you down to the bed and pulls his cock from your intoxicating heat— his free hand clasps around his cock, palming himself towards a swift release. “yeah, oh fuck yeah, fuckin’ love you baby,” he cums on your back and your ass, thick, potent and milky seed landing on your flushed skin before he collapses beside you and exhaustion settles in his bones.

you black out for a few minutes after, fingers still intertwined but dabi manages to slip out long enough to retrieve a washcloth that's damp and warm to clean you both up with. you wake up just as he crawls back into bed with you, kissing your hairline while he makes himself comfortable. “almost thought i’d killed you for a second,” the villain jokes, slinging a loose arm over your bare waist and pulling you to lay on his chest.

“you couldn’t, even if you tried.” you counter sleepily, drawing star shapes on your boyfriend’s naked stomach. a comfortable silence sweeps over the room, despite the thoughts that linger on your mind. looking up at dabi, you notice him drifting off but still can’t help the words that slip from your lips. “why didn’t you ever come back?”

you feel dabi’s chest rise and fall with a deep sigh, fingers coming up to scratch at your scalp— something that used to help you to sleep when you were together before. “i was figuring out a way to get out of the league, to be with you and kori.” he says after some time, catching your eye as you give him a confused look. “shigaraki doesn’t know about her, i never told him. but i knew from the moment we found out about her, i didn’t want her to be a part of the life i’m involved in and knowing how the league works, they’d find a way to make use of her.”

you stay quiet, not knowing what to do with the new information and dabi’s reasoning for staying away for so long. on one hand you were grateful to him for keeping your daughter quiet and safe but part of you still wished he’d given you a sign to let you know it’d all be okay. grabbing your chin, he forces you to look up at him—passionate flames burning in his eyes. “i need you to trust me on this one sweetness, i promise nothin’ will happen to you nor kori. so long as i’m around.”

“pinky promise?” you ask him sweetly, feeling the truth to his words.

you hold up your pinky to the villain’s face, smiling through exhaustion as he rolls his eyes down at you. “pinky promise, babydoll. now get some shut eye, kay?” touya links your pinky with his, scoffing when you make him kiss them.

“g’night, touya.”

“sleep well, babydoll.”

the bed is cold when you wake up the next morning.

the panic sets in quickly, speeding up with the chirping of birds from your balcony outside. you shouldn’t be tearing up over the childishness of a pinky promise. he always made you promises but never actually kept the and as quickly as dabi had waltzed back into your life, he had left you alone and in the cold once more.

gathering yourself together, you stumble out of your bed— avoiding any mirrors that may show the cascade of marks dabi had left against your skin from the previous night. you feel embarrassed and ashamed that you let him back into your life so easily, especially now that you had kori to think about. tears start to well in your tired and puffy eyes as you head to the kitchen, thinking that a mug of coffee will calm you down before you prep your daughter for the day.

but as you wander out of your room, the familiar sound of your baby girl’s laugher drifts through the air— seemingly coming from the kitchen.  the sweet melody calls out to you and suddenly your casual stride to the kitchen becomes a brisk walk so you can reach her faster. “kori? baby? did you climb out of your crib again—?” you call out to her, stopping in your tracks when you round the corner.

dabi stands in the middle of your kitchen, still shirtless, with kori balanced on his hip— in one hand he holds a small blue flame, which you’re sure he believes is safe enough for kori to play with while the other steadies your baby girl while she claps and squeals. a first. you’re not too sure when the last time you’d seen her happy was, but you figure her father’s presence had something to do with it.

“i was going to make you breakfast, but the little shit woke up and i didn’t have enough free hands to make you a grilled cheese.” touya smirks over at you, diminishing his flame to grasp kori’s hand and use it to wave at you. she squeals happily, curls bouncing and eyes lighting up in a similar way to her father’s. your heart melts at the sight of them being together, seeing the mannerisms that they share and how joyous they seem. they both grinned the same way, shared the little twitch in their noses and even their sneezes. kori todoroki was an exact replica of touya todoroki, right down to the tiny red curl she had lost in her white locks.

“you know, i thought you’d left,” you make your way across to the island where dabi sets his daughter down and check her temperature— just in case her sudden change in mood is down to any sickness. “the bed was cold when i woke up.”

“didn’t i make you a promise last night, sweetness? i’m not going anywhere,” the arsonist reminds you, wrapping his arms around you from behind while you wipe at kori’s pudgy baby cheeks and give her the once over again. “if you’re checking the kid’s temperature, she's usually pretty cold because of my mom’s quirk. something ice related will be coming through, but she must’ve inherited your strong constitution. guess she has a normal body temp when i’m around ‘cause it balances her out.” while dabi explains the inner workings of kori’s incoming quirk, she claps and babbles excitedly from her place on the island— making a game out of throwing her toys off of it. all of dabi’s logic makes sense and you seem a little more relieved knowing how to take care of her from here.

picking her up, along with her stray toys, you set your baby down by her playmat again and switch on some baby-safe cartoons while you fix yourself and dabi some coffee, kissing all over kori’s face beforehand. he had whined when you pulled away the first time to give your daughter some attention, it was almost comical how the big bad villain had pouted then. “i wonder if there’s anything of mine she inherited or if it’s all you and todoroki genetics.”

“well, her pretty smile certainly didn’t come from me, babydoll.” dabi muses with a light chuckle, arms trapping you against his chest once more as you continue to make you both some much needed caffeine. the coffee machine whirrs as you sway together in the early morning sunshine, warmth from the sun brushing against your skin and touya’s hair tickling your neck before he presses kisses over your fading love bites while kori’s annoying shows play in the background. everything feels complete and at peace. you feel like a real family. “i could get used to this, this life with you.”

you spin in dabi’s arms, cupping his cheeks and taking in his face for the millionth time in the last twelve hours. “then stay, or at least visit some more now that you’re back. you may not feel it, but kori and i need you. everything has always been better when you’ve been around touya… and i mean that. stay.” you stare at him with pleading eyes, standing on your tiptoes to stare him down and communicate just how much you needed him here with you both.

and for once in his life, touya todoroki feels the most loved he’s ever really felt. here in this shitty two bedroom apartment with his angelic little girl and his beautiful girlfriend during the winter season— touya knows this is right where he needs to be. “i’ll stay, for as long as you’ll fuckin’ have me.”

“forever, then?” you ask, eyes lowering to your boyfriend’s lips.

“forever it is, babydoll.” the villain nods, following your gaze before leaning down to capture your lips with a promise written into your sweet kiss.

extended ending

you thought that the best kind of weather was when the sun peeked out from behind the clouds but the air around you was still as cold as a december’s day. the breeze is enough to make your nose run just a little, but occasionally the warmth of the sun’s rays radiates across your skin like a warm blanket, balancing it out.

it was the kind of weather where people didn’t know how to dress, some wore mismatched shorts and jerseys whilst others were decked out in scarves up to their cheeks and sandals where their toes flopped out. it was the kind of weather that reminded you of dabi and kori, they were your warmth and your cold, they balanced each other out and made your family whole.

kori sits on your right hip as you push the car door closed and wave goodbye to an accomplice of your boyfriend’s— your driver for the evening. your little girl’s curls are combed back into two even pigtails, dark blue bows in each one while the red lock of her hair ( now, much longer ) curls against her forehead stubbornly. she looks so pretty, all fancied up a dress that dabi had chosen for her on this particular occasion, the lace irritated her only slightly but the decapitated endeavour plushie her father had gifted her served nicely as a distraction.

you bounce her once, cooing down at your baby before you look to the hospital in front of you— a look of determination in your eye. ever since the night touya had visited you and swore to stay, he’d kept his word to the best of his abilities. being a villain was still a major factor in your relationship, he came when he could stayed if his job permitted it— taking care of your daughter when your shifts were long and even going as far as to learn his and kori’s favourite recipes to cook on the nights where you couldn’t or you didn’t fancy take out.

in the last few weeks his visits had become slightly more scarce with shigaraki becoming more and more demanding, but touya’s plan to leave the league was slowly coming to fruition along with endeavour and the hero society which had both carved a life of struggle for the three of you.

your boyfriend being busy had given you more time to reconnect with the friends you had lost over the last year, meeting up with those from college, mina and tsuyu ( who’d simply thought you’d gone off the radar ) for kori’s first birthday. they absolutely loved her and your sweet girl loved all the attention she was getting. you even had the chance to reunite with your parents, who were more remorseful that you felt you couldn’t come to them for help than the fact that you’d gotten pregnant during college.

of course, they all asked who the father was and you simply told them that he had died ( which was half true ), using the excuse that you were embarrassed to be widowed and with a child at your young age.

shaking your head, you enter the hospital and recite the words that touya had made you practice the night before. you were here by endeavours orders and needed to see mrs.todoroki. your lover had used some sort of hack to put you on the list of visitors for his mother but one look at kori was all the guards and staff needed to let you through. a few nights prior to today, dabi had asked you to do one thing for him before it all went down, kissing your knuckles over some sushi take out.

so despite your nerves, you would go through with this for him, especially if it meant your family could be together. some guards escort yourself and kori to rei todoroki’s room, leaving you with a curt nod and slightly more polite wave to your daughter. the room itself is slightly bleak, a chair and some blue cushioned sofas positioned in an L-shape parallel to the blanketed bed. there’s a tv in the top left corner which and a set of draws underneath where a clear vase sits— containing blooming blue flowers.

rei looks up when you enter, grey eyes flashing with confusion despite the blank look on her face as kori babbles happily in your arms. “who are you?” she whispers, hands retreating from her flowers and  folding neatly in her lap.

“oh! i’m yn, your son’s fiancé and this,” you beam kindly, further entering the room and being sure to lock the doors behind you. you nod your head down to your daughter who waves around her endeavour plushy— paying no mind to the situation unfolding. “this is our daughter, your granddaughter...kori todoroki! she’s just turned one and daddy thought it was about time she met you, isn’t that right pretty girl?”

“dada!!!”

rei blinks and you smile again. “she’s a daddy’s girl,” you explain and lift your hand to snow the small sapphire engagement ring on your ring finger. touya had proposed last night as well, certain your plan would work out. “and quite frankly, so am i! how can i not be when your son treats me so well.”

nodding slowly, the wife of endeavour looks down at her hands which you note, nervously fiddle with a stray petal. “so, natsu and you—?” you can see her trying to work it out, curiosity written across her features. you could see why the woman might think kori was natuso’s child— they looked a lot like each other just by first glance but rei was missing an important feature. the colour of kori’s eyes.

“oh no, your other son. the eldest one.” you correct her with a sinister shake of your head. swiftly crossing the room to set your daughter down in rei’s lap. you watch with an evil air of satisfaction as rei todoroki freezes with fear, as the mistakes her family paid out to touya suddenly come to the forefront of her mind. she wobbles with kori still in her grip and you shoot her a dark glare— reaching over to fix her flowers in their vase. “touya picked these out, always said that you loved them. such a pretty shade of blue, no wonder why they’re your favourites, right?”

“please leave.” she looks up at you pleadingly, shaking like a leaf in the breeze outside. oh how you wish your fiancé was here to see this but he had more important things to do.

rolling your eyes, you grab the remote to switch on the tv— pinching kori’s nose affectionately to make her laugh again. “come sit with me rei, let’s watch some tv to help you calm down.”

the woman nods weakly, barely moving an inch as you take a seat beside her with a smile. you skip channels a few times, pride swelling up in your chest when you finally land on the right one, touya’s broadcast flashing across the screen. he sits leisurely in a chair, shirtless with all of his beautiful scars on display— a painful reminder of his childhood and what he’d become. “i, touya  todoroki, was born as the eldest son of endeavour. today i’ve killed over 30 innocent people until now, some to protect my family. my daughter, who i have not been able to see due to my father. i would like to let everyone know why i’d end up committing such a hideous act.” he speaks such calmness and clarity, and you can’t help but feel emotional at how he stands in front of the world.

kori grins, leaping up at the sight of her father on the screen and claps her hands. “dada!! dada!! lookie s’daddy!!” she squeals while rei struggles to breathe, panic set in her eyes.

you put a hand on the woman’s shoulder, offering her a sweet grin in an attempt to calm her before the oncoming storm. “keep watching, mrs.todoroki, touya said we’d be one big, happy family after this.” the words are sugar coated and sickly sweet, carrying the dark meaning across to your fiancé’s mother.

looking away, your heart swells while touya tears down the hero society and spills the truth for all of japan to see. you were grateful to the man he’d become— loyal to you, to your daughter and the dreams that you had. the satisfaction of seeing the real villains of the world fall was much greater than any hush money enji todoroki could ever offer.

fin.

— TAGLIST:

@husband-to-tomura-shigaraki @grace-todoroki @toshiuwu  @whet-ones-write​

#tteokdoroki #bnha dabi #dabi #bnha x reader #bnha x you #bnha smut #bnha imagines #bnha fic #mha x reader #mha x you #mha imagines #mha smut #mha angst #mha fanfiction #bnha fluff #dabi x reader #dabi x female reader #dabi x you #dabi smut #dabi fanfic #dabi fic #dabi fluff #dabi imagine #dabi headcanons #touya todoroki x reader #touya todoroki smut #touya todoroki angst #dabi scenarios #touya todoroki imagine

[digitalzombie]

On (the updated) Chapter 139.

This is not necessarily a rant. Instead, these are some thoughts I had after reading (the new) Chapter 139 of Shingeki no Kyojin, or Attack on Titan. I also briefly talk about the Rumbling and Ymir’s characterization. Of course, this is not spoiler-free, so beware if you are not caught up with the latest updates on the series/chapter!

Spoilers below:

First and foremost, I enjoyed the series. I wouldn’t call it “perfect,” nor “the absolute best,” but it was entertaining and, dare I say, awe-inspiring. Isayama presented something that not many shōnen mangaka do, which is a realistic take on war and the irreparable actions of humanity. To say that this is a story about mankind fighting monsters is not entirely wrong; in fictional stories, “man is the true monster” tends to be a reoccurring theme, and Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin, is no exception. I’ve said the following in a previous post I made, and I’ll say it here again:

This is mostly a reflection of humanity and the terrible things people are capable of doing when they’re given too much power, and when they’ve been stripped from having any of it. (alienated.zombie)

Was it all for nothing?

All characters are victims of corruption. We saw that with Eldians who were persecuted in Marley and the Eldians on Paradis. The Rumbling was Eren’s desperate attempt to protect his friends more than to protect the island. It is apparent when he refuses the Founding Titan to any of his closest comrades in the flashback in Chapter 108…

By the end of the series, we see time-skip after time-skip of the Island’s growth and eventual destruction. We see a boy encountering the tree where, presumably, Eren was buried. It is different from the other trees, as it is the largest (probably the oldest, too), and bears a huge resemblance to the tree Ymir, the Founder, had fallen into. This seems to tease that everything will begin again—the rebirth of the titans and, potentially, more war.

So, did Eren commit mass genocide for nothing in the end? My answer is no.

Eren fulfilled what he wanted/needed to do, which was to protect his friends (or at least those who survived the battles leading up to the Rumbling). He aided in freeing Ymir. And just as he had hoped, his surviving friends lived for a long time, as suggested in the final panels. Eren’s motives are questionable, and it begs the question: Is Eren selfish? And my answer is yes, although he does not openly show it as he lived his whole life living and fighting for other people’s sakes. Eren is a paradoxical character: he is selfish for choosing his friends over the world but selfless for putting his friends ahead of himself.

Isayama gave us a bleak ending, one that makes sense since something as unforgivable as the Rumbling would be a justifiable reason to start a war--at least in the eyes of the world leaders. We are only given a small glimpse of the attack, so there is no saying if The Rumbling truly was the motivation, or if Paradis acted first. What is true is that the cycle of hate continues. Historia's reign, as well as the rise of the Yeagerists, prove that as time passes, ideals and people in power change. Truly, history repeats itself.

The Rumbling

Side note: Of course, The Rumbling wouldn’t be the absolute best solution to end a war in reality. (I didn’t support it either.) However, I read the manga with the idea that there really was no other way to end the war between Paradis and Marley because the whole world was dead-set on destroying the island, as suggested in chapter 123:

Not to mention that the Association in this part of the series reacted with cheers to the speaker’s sentiment. Even the displaced Eldians were brainwashed to abhor the so-called “Devils” of Paradis Island. We can assume (based on what we know about the views that Marley, the Eldians in Marley, and the advocates for “displaced Eldians” have) that Paradis was the so-called enemy of the world (at least to the public outside of Paradis). Armin and Hange’s approach to the situation, the diplomatic way, was not wrong either; however, given the other nations’ resolve to decimate the island, this strategy would not have worked.

This is where Eren’s plan to wipe out the rest of the world, save the island, comes into play. He did not want to conform to the original plan and repeat the same cycle the Royals have for hundreds of years, which was to sacrifice Historia and her descendants, and the future hosts of the Coordinate. He was only meant to scare the world— to dare them to attack—by waking some of the dormant Colossal Titans. Of course, he chose a different path. The Rumbling, Eren’s Rumbling, was meant to buy time for Paradis’ restoration, to secure their safety, to expand their military forces, and to eventually end the Titans’ curse… which did happen.

Ymir, the Founder

Ymir is the most mysterious character in the series. Due to her lack of speech (as her tongue was cut off), she is easily the most misunderstood. She was abused and used for power; Ymir was a slave—both literally and metaphorically—to Fritz and the following Coordinate hosts. My understanding is that she had some kind of attachment to Fritz and his ideals. Chapter 139 introduces the idea that Ymir did, in fact, love Karl Fritz. I doubt that this is really the case, given that Eren’s words contradict the art on the panel (surely, purposely done by Isayama):

In this panel (chapter 139), she is unhappy: her marriage is a joke, given that her husband flirts with other women (they were most likely his mistresses) while she tended to his needs and continued to have his children. Her “love” for Fritz is not real. Ymir was attached to the idea of love and desired it all the more.

I believe that Mikasa did not necessarily free Ymir; rather, Ymir was inspired by Mikasa’s unwavering love for Eren. Mikasa loved Eren and was able to let go of him despite how much it hurt her. In turn, Ymir finally let go to of her abuser by realizing that what she felt was not truly love. Mikasa suggests Ymir’s true feelings when she says: “Your love must have felt like a never-ending nightmare.”

I should also mention that the panel above does not necessarily mean that Ymir let Fritz die, although this is open to interpretation. I thought that this clearly expressed Ymir’s regrets. Should he have died in her stead, Ymir would have been able to live the rest of her life with her daughters in peace. This might have also avoided future wars, aka, the war on Paradis. However, Mikasa’s words ring true: “It’s only because you brought your children into this world that I stand here today.” There is no way to undo the past. It is true that Eren could have rewritten the past by letting her live and letting Fritz die; however, that would completely change everything: Eren and his friends would have probably never existed, and Ymir would have been trapped in Paths forever, as the Founder would go to a random newborn child.

Another interesting point I’d like to add is Ymir’s appearance. In Paths, she presents herself as a child but finally shows herself as an adult in front of Mikasa. She expresses her fragility via regression, or appearing as her less developed stage in life (childhood) as a coping mechanism. (This can also be said about Eren’s child-like appearance at the start of the Rumbling.) Only after freeing herself from Paths does she take on the appearance of a grown woman. We cannot say that she completely healed from her trauma, but we can say that she was ready to move on.

Why wait 2000 years?

My take on this question is that Eren was Ymir’s answer as he did not bear royal blood and therefore could not command her to do anything for him. Recall that nearly all previous hosts of the Coordinate were of Royal blood. No one understood Ymir, nor seemed to care to communicate with her. Grisha was at the end of his life when he stole the Coordinate and then passed it to Eren.

Potential sequel?

As for the final panels of the chapter, I don’t think that this sets up a potential sequel. Unlike Eren, Armin, and Mikasa during their childhoods, this boy has the freedom to explore the world as is his birthright. He does not have to think or worry about being confined behind tall walls, nor worry about a government's restrictions to question the mysteries of the world. He is free to explore. I think that this is Isayama’s way to tie the story back to that simple dream Eren had as a child. Despite the obvious attack on Paradis in the previous panels, there is reason to believe that not all of Paradis was destroyed. This boy should be proof of that. For now, whether he becomes the new Founder or not is strictly based on our own interpretations.

That’s all I have to say about Chapter 139. Let me know if you’d like me to delve deeper into anything else from AoT! I was thinking about taking a closer look at other characters later on, but I’ll be happy to add my take on anything AoT-related.

#snk 139 #aot 139 #analyses and discussions #attack on titan #shingeki no kyojin #spoilers #aot spoilers #snk spoilers #Ymir #eren yeager #thoughts #mikasa ackerman #armin arlert #hange zöe #snk analysis #snk discussions #aot discussions #aot analysis

[insomniacowl]

Neon Genesis Evangelion analysis chapter 11: Eva Unit-02 Mother of Asuka

Trigger warning: Suicide

First time we see Unit – 02 in action

 Evangelion Unit – 02 is the third Eva unit that was produced. After the prototype Unit – 00, and test type Unit – 01, Unit – 02 was the very first production type model. Thus, it had improved upon problems that exist on the first two. In simpler words, it is the Unit best designed for battle against the angels.

 Unlike the previous two models, Unit – 02 stands out in its difference in design. Contrasted to the Red coolant and brown-toned skin of the previous two, this model has a purplish coolant and dark green skin. Furthermore, it was made with four-eyes, have sharper facial outlines, and a generally slimmer body that makes it resemble a person much more.

My theory regarding this design choice is that there might have been attempts to emphasize the connection between Evas and humans.

Design sketch for Unit – 02 in the making of End of Evangelion

 The physical appearance aside, let us talk about Unit – 02’s core. Just like how Unit – 01 contains Shinji’s mother, Ikari Yui’s soul, Unit – 02’s core also contains Asuka’s mother, Soryu Kyoko Zeppelin’s soul. This is a fact that many Eva fans would be familiar with. But there is another fact that is not mentioned as often nor in detail.

 Firstly, Unlike Yui whose soul was absorbed into the core completely during the contact experiment, Kyoko’s soul was split into half; only the half that contained Kyoko’s motherly love for Asuka was absorbed into the Unit-02’s core, leaving the other half devoided of her love for Asuka. (The possibility for soul splitting will be important in the discussion of Unit-00’s core)

 This is why Kyoko did not die after the experiment and lived a short life in the state that we hear Asuka recount.

Yet it would be inaccurate to think that Unit – 02 contains only the soul of the motherly side of Kyoko, and this is one of the common misconceptions many viewers have when they discuss this topic. In the world of Evangelion, the body and the Soul are clearly different from each other. This means that even when Kyoko’s body has died, the soul did not necessarily disappear. Rather, accounting for the fact that since half of the soul was already inside Unit – 02’s soul, there is a high likelihood that the remaining half was absorbed into the Unit-02’s core when Kyoko’s physical body has died.

We can say that this is the exact moment when Unit – 02’s core became “Complete”; it was complete not when the contact experiment took place, but rather when Kyoko’s physical body has died. This view is supported by the fact that Asuka’s pilot training began around this time as well. 

 But we should also keep in mind that Kyoko’s soul stayed as two separate entities even when they entered Unit – 02’s core.

Please don’t give up yet! / Please die with me!

One proof of this is in End of Evangelion, part ‘Air’ before Asuka realized her mother’s presence. We hear Kyoko’s kind voice whispering “I won’t leave you to die, you must live on” mixed in with Kyoko’s angry voice screaming “Please die with me”. While this is a representation of the severity of Asuka’s trauma, it also serves to show the viewers that two Kyoko’s souls exist concurrently in the Core and are talking to Asuka separately.

Further proof of this is in episode 24 where Tabris can freely move unit – 02 (Since it is made out of his body after all), he points out that he cannot synchronize with Unit-02 as there is already a soul “Trapped” within it. If we were to think that the soul inside Unit – 02’s core was only the motherly half of Kyoko, it is a sentence that does not make sense. However, if we consider that there are two souls in the Core that are competing against each other for control, we can better make sense why Tabris used the word “Trapped” to describe the state of Kyoko’s soul(s) in the core.

Let die together… Asuka

Now let’s turn our attention to Kyoko herself. We know that she is Asuka’s mother and that she was working on the E-project in Gehirn’s facility in Germany. She took part in the Contact experiment as Yui did and suffered hefty damage to her mental state due to it. 

She did not die when this happened. But she was no longer able to recognize her daughter, Asuka and lived the rest of her life believing the doll she had to be her daughter. Kyoko in this state referred to this doll as Asuka and later on hung herself with the doll in an attempt at double suicide with her daughter.Unfortunately, young Asuka witnessed this scene and it became a source of great trauma in her young mind.

To add on, the Langley in Asuka’s name is from her father. To describe him, we can call him the garbage of a person. When Kyoko was isolated in the hospital, he was already having an affair with Kyoko’s doctor.

 To add on, on the day of Kyoko’s funeral, Langley was already married to this doctor (The person Asuka now refers to as mother). Since this is conveyed to us not in detail nor visually, but in symbolically, it is easy to miss without an attentive viewing of the episode. Yet it is an important piece of the plot that tells the tragic story of Asuka’s cruel and dysfunctional family. 

 It tells us that Kyoko was not loved in any way, shape, or form from her husband, and Kyoko was nothing if not for her motherly love Asuka.

I am strong. So I won’t cry. I will think for myself.

Coming back to Asuka, even if her mother were inside of unit – 02, she was unable to realize her presence, neither was Kyoko in a state that would allow her to communicate with Asuka.

 Yet fortunately, Eva can be moved if its harmonics with the pilot is above a certain level, and this harmonic can be forced into sync if the pilot have enough willpower. That is how all three pilots, Rei, Shinji, and Asuka were able to pilot the Eva well enough for battle even before they became aware of the souls that reside inside the core. 

 Asuka was able to show a superior synchronization rate among the three pilots. We will touch on this in greater detail when we come around to a discussion of Asuka herself, but the point I want to raise here is to consider that Asuka was able to move her Evangelion just with her pride alone.

 This also is the reason why in the later parts on the series, where she no longer felt pride in herself, her synchronization rate fell below the level required to move the Eva.

 Rei: Eva won’t move if you don’t open your heart to it

Asuka: Huh? What are you saying?

Rei: Evas have their own heart and mind

Asuka: heart and mind? That doll?

We can reasonably say that the most important criteria to synchronize with and move the Evas is the willpower of the pilots in their desire to pilot the Eva.

 For Asuka, this willpower comes in layers. On the surface, it was fun for herself to be able to pilot a giant mecha. But deep within her psyche, she equated her self-worth with her ability to move the Eva. Just as how Rei sees herself as worthless without her Eva; just as how Shinji is convinced that he has to pilot his Eva, Asuka too, when her Eva was taken away from her, had nothing left of herself.

 That is why when Asuka’s pride came tumbling down, it was the last chance for Kyoko to help her. Yet Asuka was unable to recognize her mother’s presence inside the core and this left her to end up in the state that we see her in.

You are my doll. All you have to do is to do as I say.

 For Asuka, Unit – 02 was not the person that loved her; it was too late when she realized this. To her, Eva Unit – 02 was nothing but a tool to prove her self-worth to the world. The way she calls Unit – 02 a doll symbolically parallels how Kyoko mistook the doll for her daughter. It shows us that Asuka is projecting the trauma of her childhood directly onto Unit – 02.

As Asuka calls Unit – 02 a doll, the English sub-title flashed at the bottom of the eye-catch is ‘Don’t be’.

 Perhaps, this was something Kyoko worryingly wanted to communicate to Asuka.

#Neon genesis evangelion #Evangelion #Eva #End of evangelion #Nge #Nagisa Kaworu #Lilith #Sci-fi #Ikari Shinji #Soryu Asuka Langley #asuka #Ayanami Rei #rei #Anno Hideaki #Katsuragi Misato #Anime #Analysis #Review

[vermillionage]

[So I just got inspired by a conversation I had with @silver-wield about this Cloud&Tifa video below I blogged 2 days ago already, how deep Cloti's connection really is displayed, and how watching it made me feel even more convinced that we totally get endgame feels for them in these various scenes comprised. The video just shows canon material and uses only original dialogue. It made me wonder if the same feelings would be evoked by a video of Cloud and Aeriths Scenes and dialogues.]

Besides English isn't my first language, please overlook grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm sorry it there are too many.

There are many opinions who belongs with whom.

Many people who covered this also and I love and respect most of their analyses on it. Not even sure if I added anything new but here are my thoughts on Clerith endgame qualities (& a bit Cloti).

I like Aerith and she is very important. I just don’t see her as the intended endgame partner for Cloud.

This is all an opinion in the end:

Don't get me wrong this relationship is heavy with feelings as well. But it's no endgame. Cloud and Tifa belong; for various reasons we all discuss daily ;). Clearith's core story is heartwarming and heartbreaking all at once. For me it's a tragic relationship on both sides.

Aerith sees a familiarity in Cloud, something reminding her of, & letting her hope for better days. She sees a strong person who resembles Zack so much. He is handsome and his eyes have the same quality.

She desperately wants to belong (like all of our 3 heroes) because she was alone most of her time. Zack was her first love and a friend. But he is gone. She is heartbroken. Even though she is beloved in the slums by many and has Elmyra, she still feels alone. Zack was someone she confided in. She can't tell anyone the extend of these feelings. Not in the beginning. Always trying to cover up with that flirty cheery attitude. She wants to move on...that much she has uttered to Cloud...but saying and going through such a loss actually are two different things. In OG it was more ambiguous and Aerith was much more determined on Cloud.

Remake gives us (or me)much more clarity. She seems to be aware that it all is flawed..her feelings ..his feelings. (I suppose she even was able to feel that something happened to Zack since she has a connection to the life stream. And it is heartbreaking.) While in OG that was not prominent. You can tell how much she likes Cloud still in the Remake ...but also how much she knows she doesn't belong with him. When she sees the flower in Tifa's Bar, when she sees Cloud and Tifa interact.. when she asks Cloud about Zack indirectly.

Clerith to me is like 'could have/ would have' all the time. If she wouldn't die. If Zack was still alive.. if Cloud actually would be able to connect the dots of Zack being her first love.. if Cloud regaining a glimpse of his past wasn't blocked by the barrier of his fake persona so often, always interrupting progress of remembering Zack, of remembering what happened. Would it be Clerith?

It more seems like in the Remake she is aware now (due to parallel time lines/timetravel...whatever) that her part in this story is not that of Clouds love interest. That's why we get that resolution scene with her. It is scripted that way for a reason. As well as the part where she spots the flower or tells Tifa to follow her heart at the pillar.

Maybe there is a wish in her to be with Cloud if only the circumstances were different. But they aren't and she is no egotistical monster bitch. She kind of backs away. And I love that the devs made me lean to believe this.

Cloud on the other hand also lacks/ misses out on many things:

5 years of his live, his home his family. He lived through torture if barely and severe trauma. He put up a fake persona to shield him from all this grief. He made himself that numb, that he rarely connects to any strong feelings a person would have usually.

Like people on anti depressants. Numb to the very high and the very low array. Just being indifferent. We meet him like that in the beginning of OG/R. When he meets Aerith in chapter 8 he already started to open up a bit to the Trio and Tifa, Marle and others. Meeting Tifa opened the Door. She is essentially his drive to move on ever since their childhood, same this time. But Tifa is more subtle in her approach. Her personality is warm and grounded, but she respects that Clouds needs space and is treading lightly, cautious because she seems to feel he is different than in their childhood. We get that in the rescue Johnny scene f.ex..

Aerith's overwhelmingly positive, coaxing personality contrasts this but also opens this crack in the door even wider. Like I said she is important. He is affected, he feels drawn to it/her.I am convinced he is, because he has no association with her. No past. It is light and bright and also not real. She, trying to overcompansate her sadness. Him, rarely being able to connect to his true self and feelings. He is unaware, she is though to a certain extend (like I mentioned above ) is aware.

His attraction also is spurred on because she is more fragile (Than Tifa and others)..he wants to protect. He is loyal. He wants to be strong and he wants to be acknowledged. Aerith asks for help, is clumsy and looks even helpless sometimes( Walk from the church over the roof tops f. ex.). I don’t say she is weak but her asking for help, he feels like he really is that persona he created for himself. And such feelings can turn into love quite easily. But these feelings to be as good as a Soldier 1st class, to protect and be the hero root in his true self's desire to be all that for Tifa. We can’t discard this either. He also helps Avalanche because Tifa asked.

So again..a pinch of could have/would have..it's heartbreaking.

And in the end it's a dead end for Clerith. Not only because she dies. But because he regains access to his true feelings again (lifestream scene)..and they are with Tifa.

Man~even while he has no access to them he is like a hen around its chick with Tifa.😊 Touching, watching, eye contact all the time (just watch this posts video below).

If anything, Aeriths death brought him further away from being with Tifa completely because he feels he failed yet another important person. A person he even might have loved because she was a friend. He hates this feeling and he blames himself for all the deaths, especially Aerith's. And he is so afraid to lose Tifa like that as well. That's why he keeps his distance later especially in Advent Children. Even though we have the Night under the High Wind.

Because if losing a person like Aerith, yes all lovely and sweet and bright and a friend, but if losing a person after several weeks, can do that to him, what would Tifas death do to him?

He doesn't want her, Marlene or Denzel to suffer if she sees that he has a supposedly terminal disease.

He doesn't trust himself to be really enough for her. He can't face her and leaves and has another episode of self isolation and self doubt. In his mind (?) he talks to Aerith ( and Zack is there as well,yaay) he seeks for forgiveness until he realizes he has to forgive himself first. Aerith and Zack reunited in the life stream, his friends, like his big brother and sister or like guardians watching over him, encouraging him as well to trust in himself the future and his loved ones. He sure loves Aerith, but it feels like a different kind of love from his love for Tifa. And this is fine. I would never say he doesn’t love Aerith. But it’s not in a romantic way. Maybe there was an attraction building when they met in sector 5, a curiosity. But for me his bond with Tifa overpowered this in various scenes before and after that section.

So Cloud leaves, nearly ghosting his family and Tifa, and as a fan of Cloti that was hard to watch, but seeing his reasons I came to accept and understand that he needed this.BIn the end yet again their bond is strong enough for pulling them back together again. He goes to stand with Tifa, his family his friends.

In the End Tifa welcomes him back and he finally starts to believe things will be better.

So for me there is no gravitational romantic pull between Aerith and Cloud but between Tifa and him.

This is a bit all over the place and I didn’t put in sources to prove my points because many others here in the fandom did in their analyses. I took a bit of additional intel from everyone's impressions and my own conclusions on the canon.

I just wanted to give my impression.

https://youtu.be/-Dn3SI4RVco

Visit her channel ❤

#cloti #cloud stife #zerith #tifa lockhart #LTD #endgame #opinion #ff7r tifa #ff7r remake spoilers #tifa #aerith gainsborough #cloud x aerith #cloud x tifa #Youtube

[tinyteenia]

Siren’s: Analysis

 Hello, here’s my first Lore Post for Borderlands. I’ve been pretty silent in the fandom, only playing the games and whatnot.

Warning: Spoilers for ALL three main games below!

In Borderlands, as we all know, are magical beings that can use their powers depending on which ones they have. The origins of the humanoid siren is sort-of unknown but assumedly they come from Eridians which aren’t humanoid but the power was passed on and that’s still how it is. It’s possible that all Sirens can choose their successor, we see that Maya and Angel have chosen one and we can see that it’s pretty direct too. As soon as one Siren dies, the powers can be passed on. There can only be 7 Sirens at a time, why this is hasn’t been stated or probably never will. Before 3, we were told 6 Sirens could be in existence at a time but as Nyriad reveals in 3...

“You must never find the seventh...”

Now, despite all the speculation that can be done. To try and find the 7th Siren would probably be impossible for its a character that’s yet to be revealed or is so obscure to guess them would seem rash and sort of silly, especially with the amount of characters who barely have any background. Not to mention it’s made to sound like they’re hidden in some sort and have never been seen.

Now before we move on, let’s get deeper into what is a Siren. So... What is a Siren? Well, outside of Borderlands, Sirens are:

In Greek mythology, the Sirens were dangerous creatures, who lured nearby sailors with their enchanting music and singing voices to shipwreck on the rocky coast of their island. 

According to Plato there were three kinds of Sirens: the celestial, the generative, and the purificatory / cathartic. The first were under the government of Zeus, the second under that of Poseidon, and the third of Hades. When the soul is in heaven the Sirens seek, by harmonic motion, to unite it to the divine life of the celestial host; and when in Hades, to conform the soul to eternal infernal regimen; but when on earth their only job to "produce generation, of which the sea is emblematic". (Source)

However, it’s confusing since this doesn’t seem to fit any of Sirens. They don’t generate themselves with kin, purify anything(as we know) aren’t really celestial beings by this definition. You could say they are celestial due to the magical background, nevertheless it’s possible this connection is yet to be revealed. The Borderlands manual guide and Nyriad says that Sirens have also been called “Witches”, “Oracles” and “Angels” as well that “No official term exists” however by Borderlands 3 that seems that every term has been used for thousands, if not millions of years. Siren being the most common.

In the games and comics, however, Sirens are being of unknown origin, typically female, that have powers based upon certain things such as creating physical attacks, moving things, teleportation, machine manipulation and leeching power/life. At some time in the distant past, Sirens and Eridians lived side by side, possibly due to their similarity in ability. Sirens also have Tattoos/Markings on their body which singles them out especially. Another obscure and rarely seen ability is the ability to imprint memories and events onto objects via strong emotion such as excitement and trauma.

Some extra things about Sirens is that they and the vaults are definitely connected, Lilith even says she feels as if the Guardians wanted her to be in the Vault in the Pre-Sequel. What this connection is has not been revealed as even in 3, despite visiting many vaults, nothing happens any of the Sirens in the game that visit them despite the number of Sirens and Vaults being numerous, Sirens can also charge Vault Keys, making them usable. Another thing is that all Sirens typically find each other at some point, furthermore all Sirens will at one point be drawn onto Pandora at some point in their lives and it seems that point is true as every Siren, minus the 7th(as we know) have visited Pandora. All Sirens also have wings, usually in a very powerful form. Lastly, to use their powers more effectively, Sirens use Eridium. However, using Eridium is like a Drug, normal use is fine however, one can become addicted or even dependent on it to the point of death from withdrawal depending on the intake. Angel is so dependent once her source is removed, she dies. Lilith seems to just be mildly addicted, needing it and showing obvious signs of withdrawal. 

Then, let’s talk about each Siren in the Series.

Sirens

(The below list and subsequent descriptions of each Siren will have spoilers regarding Borderlands 2 and 3, including some very important moments, do not go below if you do not wish to be spoiled on Borderlands 2 and 3.)

Here is a list of every mentioned/shown Siren, minus the Comics for apparently they are considered non-canon:

Lilith

Commandant Steele

Maya

Amara

Angel

Nyriad

Troy Calypso

Tyreen Calypso

Patricia Tannis

Ava

Lilith

The Original Siren as some would say, she first appears in Borderlands 1 as the playable Siren class, she holds the Phasewalk ability, aka teleportation. Nothing spectacular about her happens in 1, in 2 she is a leader of the resistance against Handsome Jack and regularly takes action in fighting with you. Lilith says in the Tiny Tina DLC that she used to be a DND nerd, which means she was probably an outcast from society especially due to her tattoos and interests and she was bullied as a child. In Borderlands 3, her powers are taken by Tyreen for the majority of the game and gets them back by the end. At the end, Lilith flies into Sun, saving Elpis and Pandora, her Phoenix symbol embedded into the planet. However, it is never said if Lilith is dead or alive, leaving it up to be a mystery. So whether Phasewalk will return as the next Siren’s powers is unknown.

Lilith’s name shares the her name with the true first Woman in Judeo-Christian lore, however she was turned into a demon and is closely regarded in evil.

Commandant Steele

Steele is considered the main antagonist of Borderlands 1, however, her appearance is extremely short-lived and to say she was dissatisfactory would be an understatement. Steele’s design closely resembles Lilith’s older design, which isn’t surprising. Her power is unknown and could be anything but Phasewalk. She also awakens the Destroyer or at least a part of it.

The only notable things about Steele is she proves(or is the first to prove) that Sirens can be on the wrong side. While this isn’t surprising, it’s juxtaposed to most Sirens that are on the quote-onto-quote Good Side and that the only things all Sirens share is fate to meet each other at some point. She also speaks in a Slavic accent.

Maya

Maya is the playable Siren Class in Borderlands 2. She’s from the planet Athenas and was used against the people of the planet to keep them in fear. However, she learned of the scheme and killed the religious leaders and then came to Pandora to become a Vault Hunter, during boarding the train she catches the view of Krieg who becomes infatuated with her. Maya’s Siren power is Phaselock, being able to create gravitational pulls and force to levitate things and people.

In Borderlands 3, Maya plays a more important role mentoring the young Ava and has chosen her as her heir of Maya’s Siren powers. She says Ava seems special and it’s not said why this is or revealed why, yet at least.

Maya is killed when Ava goes to the first Vault despite Maya telling her not to. Unbeknownst to anyone, Tyreen and Troy have already come to the Vault. Troy ends up leeching Maya and takes her powers, which kills her. Why this killed Maya and not Lilith isn’t entirely clear.

Amara

Amara is the playable Siren Class in Borderlands 3, she is from the Planet of Partali and due to her nature of fighting against evil she has been dubbed the “Tiger of Partali”. Her Siren power is Phasetrance, she is able to summon physical forms of energy to attack. She has no real importance to the Siren story so far other than sharing attributes with other Sirens.

Angel

Angel is an interesting character as she was in Borderlands one and plays a much different perspective of character. In Borderlands one she practically acts as an A.I guide to prevent the opening of the Vault and furthermore, the release of The Destroyer. However, the ultimate goal is getting Eridium from the Vault so that it can fuel Handsome Jack’s plans to feed Angel’s Phaseshift powers which allows her to interact with any technology she can and manipulate it thusly.

In her Childhood, Angel learned she was a Siren at a young age and began to manipulate the tech around her. One day, she was kidnapped and was going to be sold. Handsome Jack, her father and Angel’s mother can to rescue her and by accident, Angel killed her mother after activating a turret out of fear. This lead to Jack keeping Angel in solitude in fear she’ll kill more people. This fear of course is irrational as when Angel got older she was able to control her emotions.

In Borderlands 2, Angel acts the same as her role in Borderlands 1. However, this time she helps the Vault Hunters much more and even turns against her father in the end. Nearing the end of the game she has the characters assist her from being removed from her Eridium supply, killing her. Her death leads to Patricia Tannis getting her powers, when this decision was made or why is never explained.

Nyriad

Nyriad is an Ancient Siren, presumably human. She lived along the Eridians and seemed to know a lot about Sirens in general, meaning that this knowledge was probably more well known and supposedly lost to time. It is also said she is one of the last to learn the Eridian Language directly from the Eridians.

Nyriad used her powers to seal the Fake Vault that holds The Destroyer and fed The Destroyer all of the Eridian souls so that it made be satiated, even for a while. After this, she traveled to Nekrotafeyo and sealed herself and her ability to pass on her powers. However, when Typhon DeLeon and his wife opened the Vault, it caused his wife to transfer Nyriads Phaseleech ability to Tyreen and Troy.

Nyriad also left behind many recordings across the Borderlands using the Eridian Language, revealing that the Sirens used to form a “Sisterhood” where they would all come and join together even if one died, the next Siren is said to have always found her way to the Sisterhood.

Troy and Tyreen Calypso

Troy and Tyreen are a special kind of Siren. Tyreen is obviously the main Siren, however, Troy being a parasitical twin also gained Siren powers being possibly the first and only Male Siren. They are the Children of Typhon DeLeon and his wife and were born of Necrotafeya. Their powers initially are Phaseleech which allows them to leech the power and life from anyone they come in contact with and subsequently use their powers against. They inherited their powers from Nyriad.

During Borderlands 3, Tyreen and Troy are the leaders of the Children of the Vault cult, a vicious and murderous cult that obeys the Twin’s every will and command. Their desire is to open the Grand Vault and release The Destroyer and become literal Gods. During the story, they manage to steal Lilith and Maya’s Siren abilities and by the end, Tyreen absorbs Troy and soon Tyreen fuses with The Destroyer, but is ultimately killed.

Whether or not Phaseleech will be the ability of the next Siren character is unknown, but without many others left. It’s to be assumed.

Patricia Tannis

Tannis is a long-running character in the franchise. She’s an Autistic researcher and now Siren. Her ability is Phaseshift and inherits it from Angel. Nothing about Tannis being a Siren or before her status as a Siren is important. However, she is very intelligent and does take action when necessary. It seems by the end of Borderlands 3 she has become an incredibly important character as she is essentially the new Lilith.

Before Borderlands 3, she was alone at a research site which lead her to become delusional and psychotic.

During Borderlands 3, she unleashes her Siren powers after being contained and is able to save the Vault Hunter.

Ava

Ava is the pupil of Maya who has chosen for Ava to be her heir of the Phaselock ability. Ava became a pupil after Ava’s family died, Ava became a Ship Stowaway and soon lived in extreme poverty.

In Borderlands 3, Ava is a very immature characters, regularly acting out and speaking about how unfair she’s treated due to her age. This is ultimately what would get Maya killed in the events of Borderlands 3. Ava plays a very unimportant role in the game until the events of the second to final Vault where she awakens to her Siren abilities and is able to assist the team.

After this, it seems as if Ava will become a very important character to the Series.

End

Borderlands 3 in particular drew a very important note to Sirens, suggesting their upcoming importance in the near future. Not to mention the way in the Guardian’s Warning in the Pre-Sequel. Something is coming up for the series and it seems Sirens will play a very important role. What that is isn’t even hinted at but I theorize it’ll be something that involves the Vaults, Destroyer and Eridians. This of course is not surprising but to say there’s barely information to guess would be an understatement. 

This post I will admit was just lore spattering and not really theorizing. I will update this post with more thoughts and more information as it is pretty generic “spout of what we already know”. But, I hope you enjoy anyways. I will try to make more Borderlands lore posts in the foreseeable future. Especially character analysis as this series has tons of good characters.

#Borderlands #Borderlands Lore #Borderlands 1 #Borderlands 2 #Borderlands 3 #Borderlands The Pre sequel #Borderlands Analysis #Siren Borderlands

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 32 of 26

Title: The Siren Depths (2012) (The Books of the Raksura #3)

Author: Martha Wells

Genre/Tags: Fantasy, Adventure, LGBT Protagonist, Third-Person

Rating: 8/10

Date Began: 11/09/2020

Date Finished: 11/21/2020

Moon's past has always been obscure. A winged shapeshifter, he has spent most of his life as a solitary wanderer. He has few memories of his childhood, and only recently found others of his kind-- the Raksura. Now Moon has found a home as first consort to the queen Jade in the Raksuran court of Indigo Cloud.

However, when a neighboring queen recognizes his bloodline, Moon's new life is upended as he's forced to return to a family he doesn't even remember. Seemingly abandoned by Jade and overcome with doubt, Moon has to navigate the complex politics and grave secrets in the court of Opal Night alone. But an old enemy is about to return, threatening every Raksuran court in the Reaches.  

The one thing he hadn’t expected to do was miss Indigo Cloud so much. He had been leaving people all his life, to the point where all the turns seemed like an uninterrupted progression of departures, and there had been people he had missed terribly. But this was a never-ending ache in his chest... You’ll get over it, he told himself. You always get over it. 

But somehow, this time was different. 

Some major spoilers and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book:  As always, graphic violence and action. There is a disturbing scene that's... kind of forced cannibalism I guess (I'm not sure how else to describe it). Some sexual content is implied but not graphic. The r*pe plot point from The Cloud Roads is relevant, but is not depicted or described in detail. A romantic relationship with a significant age gap is briefly mentioned (both are consenting adults but it may make some readers uncomfortable).

For the most part, I enjoyed The Siren Depths more than the previous entries. I connected much more strongly to the central conflict, and was pleased to see some deeper character development than in the last two books. This entry also introduces fascinating new settings and characters while exploring some genuinely interesting ideas. It serves as a good parallel to The Cloud Roads, with similar plot beats explored in different ways. I did have one big problem which I will detail further in the review, but let's talk about the good parts first. Moon's conflict in this story, like the rest of the series, has to do with belonging. But The Siren Depths has the advantage of two books of development. From what we know of Moon's past, he sees any home as temporary, and when he's suddenly forced to leave Indigo Cloud (presumably for good), his new attachments and way of life come into question. To some degree, Moon sees this as an inevitable part of his life. Sooner or later, something out of his control will happen and he'll be abandoned. What I found relatable is there's several times Moon knows he is being irrational but still can't stop the negative downward spiral. Like... jeez, just call me out specifically next time! While a depressed protagonist can be a drag to read, I think it really works here because we've grown attached to Moon and know how far he's come. And sure enough, he does get his ass in gear when he realizes this ISN'T like before, and lots of people do care about him. The found vs biological family conflict is interesting as well. I think The Siren Depths does great here because you can see both points of view. Moon always assumed his biological family died, and they assumed the same thing about him. This should be a happy homecoming, but under the circumstances simply isn't. Moon resents being torn from Indigo Cloud because a group of people he barely remembers have a legal claim on him. Opal Night seems strangely hostile until you learn more about its politics and secrets. Even though they're early antagonists, they're not really villains; just a traumatized group of people who see Moon as a missing link from their past. When he's not what the others are expecting, obvious issues ensue, but Moon finds he does care about some of these people, even if it's not really his home. Outside of Moon, several other characters have arcs in this book. While the previous books feature a likeable enough cast, the characters are mostly one dimensional. Not so here; we explore the insecurities and struggles of some of the supporting cast. Jade isn't nearly as self-confident as she appears to be, and grapples with this throughout the book-- for example, wanting to prove to Moon that she is willing to do whatever it takes to get him back. Similarly, Chime's struggle with his involuntary transformation comes to a head here as his strange new powers become relevant again. We see just how bitter he is that he's cut off from his old magical gifts and still holds out hope that they'll return. We even get some indication that while this HAS happened before in Raksuran history, it's incredibly rare. There’s also an interesting hint on what the powers really are, which has some pretty big implications. This is potentially a future plot point, so I’m hoping it gets explored. (Also, I was totally right about Moon/Chime, do I get a prize?)  

There are several new characters I found really interesting, namely Malachite and Shade.  Malachite (spoiler: Moon's biological mother) is initially presented as the antagonist, and her behavior seems inscrutable. She's a powerful queen who commands respect, yet seems unpredictable and standoffish. All of this starts to make sense as one learns more about her. Turns out unbelievable, extended trauma really fucks with a person. The Fell destroyed her colony, killed her consort and most of her children, and she spent almost a year in full guerilla warfare against them. Yet she adopted the Fell/Raksura crossbreeds and raised them as her own children, demonstrating nothing but indulgent love and kindness towards them. I'm not sure I would be able to do that in her place. In general she's just a huge badass; totally decked out in scars and the first to leap into battle. At least we know where Moon gets it from.  Did I say Fell/Raksura crossbreeds? Yup, that plot point is back. Only, it's explored in a different way here. The crossbreeds in The Cloud Roads are terrifying weapons deployed by the Fell. The ones in The Siren Depths, raised in a loving home, are just kind of weirdly pale Raksura. I liked Shade in particular, who we learn is Moon's half brother and serves as an interesting foil. Moon would probably be much more like Shade if the Fell attack on Opal Night never happened. Shade is an earnest and kind (if naïve) man and behaves like none of the Fell we’ve met in the series. I hope we see more of him (and Lithe, the other crossbreed) in future volumes, because I think they're an interesting take on nature vs nurture with the "inherently" evil Fell.  Speaking of the Fell, while they themselves haven't changed much, I thought they were more effective villains than in The Cloud Roads. We see their manipulations and twisted views of the world in much more detail. There's a long sequence where much of the main cast is captured by The Fell, and their struggle to survive and potentially escape is harrowing. I also like that Moon isn't their main focus this time, which adds some nuance and perspective to their behavior. They’re also just... creepy as shit. While I do have some issues with the ending of the book, I think the Fell are handled pretty well beforehand.

I'd be remiss to ignore the always excellent worldbuilding in this series. Like in The Serpent Sea, we get to see more Raksuran courts, all of which feel distinct. It’s cool and impressive for a singular fantasy race to have multiple believable factions and societies. The settings in this book are also creative, including a giant half-dead mountain tree, a city carved into a giant statue, and what I can only describe as "Rapture, but make it a solarpunk prison". Wells goes into vivid, loving detail when it comes to the world. That being said, I would like to see more of the sea/sky realms, since this series has largely focused on the earth. The Three Worlds is kind of a misnomer if two of them don't really show up much. Oh well, maybe in future books/stories.  

My main complaint, and what drags down the rating, is the ending. It's... underwhelming, confusing, and seems pretty rushed. I'll go into more detail below. *major spoilers for the ending* So... one of the big plot points in both The Cloud Roads and The Siren Depths is that the Fell are crossbreeding with captured Raksura. In The Cloud Roads, this is explained as a ploy to strengthen the Fell with some unique Raksuran abilities; queens can prevent others from shifting, mentors can scry future events, and so on. In The Siren Depths, however, we learn it's not that simple. There's some third party manipulating the Fell and encouraging their actions. The goal is to produce a crossbreed that physically resembles the (unnamed) Fell/Raksura common ancestor for... reasons. We are led to believe the being orchestrating this is in fact an ancient ancestor, though its motives are unknown.

While this feels like a retcon, the discrepancy is acknowledged in the story, and it is explained that the Fell in The Cloud Roads were either lying or those specific ones decided to pursue their own agenda. Which... fine, makes sense based on what we know about them. I'll let it slide. Perhaps it was hinted at earlier and I just don’t remember. 

So Moon and the others follow the Fell to the mysterious source, a vast and abandoned underwater city. Soon they find the creature that's been imprisoned there. Turns out it's not the Fell/Raksura ancestor, but something different. I can only describe it as sort of eldritchy, with a vaguely creepy physical form, and the abilities to speak through dead/dying Fell and to create disturbingly realistic illusions. The Fell/Raksuran ancestors trapped it there eons ago, and the only way to free it is the physical presence of a member of the ancestor species (for some reason). Which explains why it has been encouraging the crossbreeding, since their common ancestor is presumably extinct. It's freed from its prison since Shade fits the "ancestor" criteria based on his physical appearance. Then,  in the span of literally one chapter, it attacks everyone, chases the characters through the underwater city, gets hit by some water, then promptly melts like the Wicked Witch of the West and dies.

I had a couple problems with this ending. First, the whole Fell crossbreeding conflict with the Raksura is a huge generational trauma thing. Moon has his own horrible experience with them, of course, but it's also a big issue with both Indigo Cloud and Opal Night. Hell, it's the whole reason Moon was separated from his family and lived thirty-some years in exile without knowing what he was. The series literally wouldn't have happened without this conflict. To have everything explained away by "an eldritch wizard did it" is very anticlimactic. I vastly prefer the original explanation.

Second, we know basically nothing about this creature. How was it able to communicate with the Fell (and Chime)? Why was it imprisoned other than being super evil and stuff? Who knows. And yeah, it's possible this will be expanded on later. Except I'm pretty sure that when this book came out, it was the last one planned for the series. The next two books follow a different storyline and came out four years later. So this was probably the only explanation we were ever going to get. 

I'm not totally against the concept, but it needed more time and a more interesting/memorable villain for it to work. Introducing all of this in the second to last chapter of (presumably) not only the book but the series, then defeating it with little effort, feels unsatisfying. Hell, there’s more time dedicated to discovering and exploring its prison than anything involving the creature itself! As it stands, the Fell were much creepier and more memorable bad guys in this book, yet narratively serve as bit players in the end. It just feels off.

Also, a nitpick, but the title of the book is weird. The Siren Depths is obviously referring to this imprisoned being. It's trapped underwater and is calling the Fell to it. But it's never referred to as a siren; I'm not sure that word is used at all in the book. It just seems like an odd choice of title that doesn't really fit the vernacular of the world. Siren has some very specific meanings/connotations in our world that don't translate to The Three Worlds. Not a huge deal, just something I noticed.

*ending spoilers end here*

Despite my issues with the ending, I really enjoyed everything else about the book. It does everything the other books do well while featuring serious improvements. I've heard mixed things about the next two books but plan to go in with an open mind.  

#8/10 #taylor reads #2020 reading challenge #BONUS ROUND #*casually posts this a week late*

[raging-parsnip]

Avatar used a simplistic and old approach to represent conflict, emotional trauma and personal growth in life. It gave a nostalgic and somewhat familiar approach to an audience of young children whilst adhering to the classic ‘hero’ adventure with a final goal and tricky path to achieve that. It gave us far more than just problem solving and battles but showed multiple heroic characters from diverse backgrounds how the lessons learned were far more valuable than their end-goal of saving the world... Although that was super important too.

The franchise impacted my outlook onto morals teaching methods on how to cope with acceptance, loss, change and identified pathways into answer finding to questions I did not know were possible of asking.

The series tackles death and new beginnings in a gentle yet seriousness light. Much unlike the ‘Disney’ approach you can clearly see how each character has been changed and shaped by their past and how each drastic experience impacts their ability to learn from and accept those situations. I believe this acts as a brilliant representation to real life events, it shows the audience from a young age that pain and suffering is a reality and can happen. It let kids experience the pain of characters which they could relate to on a personal level and allowed them to understand it in a way which was not taught but felt and learnt from.

Zuko makes a good example of this in the episode ‘Zuko alone’ where he is experiencing flashbacks from his past alongside his unhealthy state. His decision to travel alone and undergo this despair causes him to hallucinate scenarios due to his ill-state and therefore reflect upon his troubled mind and past experiences. This is a direct example of how his choice of isolation lead him to face his problems internally rather than with Iroh which although difficult, resembled one of the best episodes for his character development.

When he gives the younger boy the knife Iroh had once given him. This represents his attempt at replicating the strength he felt when he had received it himself. It presents an element of growth which reveals Zuko’s attempt at becoming a better version of himself, one that can give the bravery he once had to another at the age he once was. What is painfully obvious is that he has not yet begun to see the implications of his childhood and that giving a knife to a young boy to induce bravery is not as normal as it may have been for him. This shows how his experiences of being young were tainted by premature maturity through the expected numbness of fear and loss. Zuko put the boy into more danger by giving him the knife. His expectations from childhood and the family he was born into demonstrates a necessity for his change in character and mindset after saving him. Although, his choice of telling the family and guards that he was prince of the fire nation was arguably the wrong decision, throughout the episode he begins to show understanding and belief in people from the earth kingdom while learning to distrust his upbringing in comparison to that of the rest of the world.

Avatar allows a very unique pathway to begin which allows for a growing understanding of our place in the world untainted by mundane expectations. For example, Aang running away is a great example of how fear is tainted with a bad social understanding. Aang running away represents an ignorance toward fulfilling his duty as the Avatar yet it is a representation of how this emotion was extremely necessary in his decision to disconnect from the air nomads. He would have most likely been killed alongside them leaving the world far more defenceless against the fire nation. Arguably, it was a very smart move to run away therefore presenting the fear he felt as something, which over time, would prove to be essential in him saving the world. This represents how the show reflects upon fear as positive experience in the long run rather than something with no meaning as it pin-points an experience in Aang’s life which lead to drastic positive change through his pro-longed period of time spent in the iceberg.

This, unlike many childhood experiences which would usually consolidate fearful experiences as problems resembling weakness actually flips this negativity into a serious necessity in Aang’s life. It is not something that was brushed aside but was expended in Book One to make Aang realise his fear for what it was and what it caused and use it to fuel his motivation to create a better world. What this teaches us from childhood to adulthood is that trusting our feelings, even if they reflect those of fear is essential in shaping us in the future, making fear and focus far more impactful than fear and ignorance. By focusing on what we regret and using that as a drive to fuel meaning in productivity shows us how overcoming a pro-longed negative experience creates a far more rewarding affect which eventually demonstrates a more detailed understanding of ourselves and patience.

The show provides so much more depth into our belief of negative scenarios and even emotion, it shaped the minds of children who watched and experienced the past of characters which they resonated with, showing them direct examples of personal growth and how over time even the worst of situations helps the characters to become far better people than who they would have been if not felt. Even for children who had not experienced traumatic scenarios such as these, it provides a brilliant insight into how the timeline of waiting on positive change occurs. Personally, it gave me an understanding toward emotional growth and connection that an average school lesson could not.

Although that being said, it did not cover all bases but what it did provide was a starting point into seeing how past issues visibly link to psychological issues. It revealed how even bad decisions and choices lead to overcoming dilemmas leading to greater growth in the long run.

The creators of Avatar touch on points that children’s shows do not value today which was shown with such originality and detail it was worth talking about. This can definitely be seen in other franchises, but this is just one that affected me most as a kid and still does today. I hope the Netflix series does its justice. :P

#avatar #avatar the last airbender #fire nation #analysis

[scnnyfm-old]

chicago’s very own sunshine ‘sunny’ carmichael has been spotted on madison avenue driving a bmw 3 series , welcome ! your resemblance to dua lipa is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty-third birthday bash . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re sensitive , but being altrustic might help you . i think being a cancer explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be the scent of bubblegum, an abundance of house plants, and freshly baked cookies . ( cis female + she/her ) 

helloooooo ghouls, goblins, and everything in between. it’s ya girl aneesa or whatever fun nickname you wanna call me, and this is my child sunny! you can reach me via ims or catch me on discord at 𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐬𝐚 🦋☀#5408

* && 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐬

full name — sunshine carhmichael

nicknames — sunny (preferred name actually)

birthday — july 15

height  — 5′ 8″

age  — twenty-three (23)

pronouns — she/her/hers

occupation(s) — singer, record executive, fashion/cosmetics brand ceo, fashion designer, reality show star, & model

languages spoken — english (barely)

orientation — bisexual

* && 𝐛𝐢𝐨𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐡𝐲

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑻𝑯𝑬 𝑺𝑻𝑶𝑹𝒀 𝑺𝑶 𝑭𝑨𝑹...

sunshine hawthorne grew up in the foster care system, according to the letter her mother left her, she was just a teenager with strict religious parents who threw her out the minute they learned of her pregnancy, and sunshine’s father was nowhere to be seen, and giving sunshine up was easier than living on the streets trying to fend for herself and a child

SEXUAL & PSYCHICAL ABUSE TW growing up in the foster care system was a lot, she bounced from family to family, and the things that happened were unspeakable. sometimes the abuse was physical, emotional, or sexual and it just caused a lot of deep personal trauma for herself that was never resolved

this caused her to become reserved, stuck up for the underdog even if it was at her own expense, just intrinsically unselfish, has always been the mom friend to a fault

she was 10 when she got adopted into an extremely wealthy family, like i’m talking top ten wealthiest families in the states, and suddenly sunny hawthorne became sunny carmichael 

so let’s take a minute to talk about the carmichael’s 

they originate from old money, i’m talking so far back it’s unclear whether or not the money they have was obtained legally or not, this caused her parents to be a little reckless w their spending

her father: sebastian carmichael is the one who inherited the wealth from his father, who inherited it from his father, and the cycle continues, he was addicted to gambling add that to the fact that he was a serial cheater and you have an extremely poor father figure

ALCOHOL & DRUGS TW her mother: davina carmichael was a drug dependent alcoholic who spent all of husband’s money to makeup for the fact that he was cheating on her, started her own billion dollar company from scratch, plans on ‘giving it’ to sunny

the carmichaels were very problematic and all of their scandals were extremely public, in fact the only reason they adopted sunny in the first place was so that they could appear more well-rounded then they were

after that would come give siblings, and it fell upon sunny to take care of all of them, so from a young age she acted extremely mature, learned to fend for herself, and still managed to have a soul flourishing with tender spots

sunny was a gifted kid, not academically, she struggled A LOT, she had trouble paying attention, couldn’t read as well as the other kids. she got teased a lot for being ‘dumb’ and honestly hated it, it’s one of her biggest insecurities to this day. but what she lacked academically she made up for artistically, she was musically inclined, and it was clear that she loved to draw (apparent from all the doodles in the margins of her notebooks)

her family capitalized on this as if she were some sideshow attraction, come see our daughter! look how good she is at painting and doodling! pay us money! and although it made her feel like some trophy the could polish and show off, and this messed up sunshine even more because she knew deep down they didn’t love her

in high school she was the bubbly ditzy popular girl, chewed on enough bubblegum to finance a new mercedes, and just was that stereotypical girl ripped straight out of an early 00′s movie

was on the cheerleading team because again i tell you she was just living her best teen life! having an amazing time! vibing!

although her parents could give her anything they wanted and were decent enough to pay the bills for her and her siblings, she wanted to provide for herself, not have to depend on her parents for anything

she got into modeling! and although t took her a while to find her footing eventually she did, and it was a great time! but eventually parents got jealous and made her quit modeling altogether, because god forbid that she get more attention than they did

eventually (and to everyone’s surprise lmao) she went to college, and somehow got accepted into an ivy league....for art! not as surprising, but her family lied and said she went to business school bc of course they did

she went to harvard and majored in visual arts, she got her degree, and got her her happy ass out of there, mostly stayed focused on her studies, occasional party here and there

she was extremely worried about her siblings and she immediately went back home to them, surprisingly they were in one piece, not surprisingly they were being raised by nannies

she applied her visual arts degree and started designing clothes, then modeling said clothes, because although her parents had enough money to get her company off the ground, she wanted to do it by herself

and she did! finally bringing a decent name to the carmichael family!

was a guest judge on a bunch of modeling/runway shows, occasionally starred in her family’s reality tv show against her will, and was so dynamic she would be offered her own, and of course she jumped at the opportunity! 

her mother tried handing off the company to her, and she declined! instead she opened up her own company selling her designs and was very hands on in learned to make cosmetics, and her company has been doing extremely well so far, it’s set to surpass her family’s company in a couple of years

as if she didn’t have enough on her plate she wanted to pursue her singing career, ended up having a whirlwind romance w a singer that she collaborated with, they were pretty serious and talked about being engaged, but eventually things fizzled out

said romance inspired a lot of her music, and encouraged her to keep going with her music career, she even worked her way up to the title of executive of their label, she’s on top of the world

she’s come a long way from the shy girl from foster care who afraid of her own shadow, but she’s lost none of her softness!

still extremely charitable and even started multiple charities all ranging from helping fund the foster care system to providing more funding for no kill shelters (she’s a vegan!) all of her charities are nation wide and oh boy does she have a lot on her plate

has....literally no time for anything else....still tries to prove to herself that she’s definitely not stressed and has so much free time! sdflksj tries to party and have fun, but mostly craves staying inside and takes baths with scented candles and just watches the same romcom over and over again 

* && 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭

....okay so maybe it’s not completely believable that she got into an ivy league with her own merit, after all she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and spoiler alert she didn’t

her parents bribed an admissions counselor to let their daughter in their visual arts program, they even donated enough money to renovate the art museum 

all of this happened without sunny’s knowledge and she continues to live in blissful ignorance about the whole thing

* && 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲

zodiac — cancer rising, cancer sun, & scorpio moon

alignment — lawful good

mbti — infp-t

enneagram — type 2 ( the helper )

temperament — phlegmatic

house — hufflepuff

positive traits — ( + ) altruistic , committed , conceptual , curious , courteous , determined , generous , humble , inventive , imaginative , loyal , loving , organized , passionate , playful , reliable , selfless , supportive , thoughtful , and trustworthy

negative traits — ( - ) anxious , cautious , compulsive , critical , disorganized , dogmatic ,, hyperactive , indifferent , insecure , impulsive , logical , oblivious , pedantic , protective , and resilient

* && 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

please don’t feel limited by this list because i have a brain the size of a walnut and this is all i can think of these are almost all ripped off ryker’s intro bc i’m not creative

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑭𝑨𝑴𝑰𝑳𝑰𝑨𝑳....

family friends  maternal or paternal cousins

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑨𝑵𝑻𝑰𝑪...

past crush  current crush  flirtationship except she prolly doesn’t realize bc head empty  unrequited love ( on either side )  fwbs  will they? won’t they?  someone her friends are trying to set her up with  forbidden love of some kind idk maybe not  exes on good terms  exes on bad terms  first love high school or college romances  summer romance  childhood crush friends to lovers  pr relationship somebody who leads her on 

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑷𝑳𝑨𝑻𝑶𝑵𝑰𝑪...

BEST FRIEND / ROOMMATE PLOT BASED ON NEW GIRL OR FRIENDS PLS I WILL GIVE YOU MY EVERYTHING  best friends  confidants  ride or die sibling like friends  close friends  neighbors??  enemies to friends  reunited childhood friends drunk / party friends  someone she’s a good influence on  bad influence  unlikely friends  secret friends, aka friends who do not hang around in the public eye as their family or friends may not get along  #married....just they argue and love each other like a married couple

‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎‏‏‎ ‎ 𝑵𝑬𝑮𝑨𝑻𝑰𝑽𝑬...

enemies  former best friends  frenemies

#abuse tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw #wealthyhq:intro #I FINALLY GOT THIS DONE #please love me #this took so long #for no reason

[beneaththetangles]

Mr. Gorbachev, Tearmoon Down This Wall!

I’ve always been plagued by endlessly recurring thoughts about how I’m a bad stupid sinful selfish lazy arrogant rude useless ugly fat disrespectful hardhearted unlovable disgusting et cetera person. The name for this phenomenon is shame, and for me and many others, it’s a result of having been abused. I previously discussed how I Refuse to Be Your Enemy!, vol. 1, contained a profound depiction of an abuse victim. That post has a fuller discussion of what shame is, but in brief, shame is a distorted worldview that says “I’m bad,” and tells me badness is endemic to my identity. Shame isn’t about doing bad things; it’s about believing oneself to be a fundamentally bad person. Well, a mere two days after I Refuse to Be Your Enemy! released, J-Novel Club published a second new series that intersects with the same topic. The hilarious and thought-provoking narrator of Tearmoon Empire, vol 1, proved surprisingly helpful in my struggles with shame.

The book opens with protagonist Mia Luna Tearmoon’s execution on the guillotine. Deposed crown princess of the eponymous empire, she clearly evokes the historical Marie Antoinette (even making a comment reminiscent of the spurious “Let them eat cake” line incorrectly attributed to the French queen). Likewise, her nation has experienced a series of tragedies plainly inspired by the real French Revolution. So when Mia mysteriously wakes up back at twelve years old, with full memories of everything she experienced in the revolution, it becomes apparent that the prologue is essentially setting up a tale of time-traveling Marie Antoinette trying to avert the French Revolution. It’s great and you should check it out.

There is much to appreciate about this book, and the unusually snarky narrator is one of Tearmoon Empire’s outstanding elements. It’s uncommon to find a story where the narrator is one of those seemingly omniscient outside observers not at all present within the story, yet has a distinct voice that practically makes the narrator a character in his own right anyway. The narrator’s sardonic opinions regarding the characters and events of the story provide a lot of levity. But for me, the narrator became much more than just a source of comedy.

For as long as I can remember, shame has been the inner narrator of my life, dispensing harsh and (in hindsight) unfair and even nonsensical commentary about myself. Seriously, if there’s a way to put oneself down, I’ve done it: I found fault with anything and everything I did. I blamed myself for things that weren’t even my responsibility. I dismissed the value of my successes and minimized whatever talents I might possess. Instead, I exaggerated my flaws. I treated real instances of failure as proof that my entire character was corrupt, rather than as individual mistakes. I worried that I was a hypocrite who accidentally deceived other people into thinking I’m a better person than I really was. If others said complimentary things about me, sometimes I assumed they were exaggerating. Other times, I decided they were sincerely mistaken due to not knowing the true me; obviously if they knew how wicked I really am, they wouldn’t say such nice things. I’d just ignore any evidence that didn’t fit my preconceptions about my own worthlessness. In my head, believing the teeniest little positive thing about myself equaled pride, so I stringently stifled any thoughts that I ever did anything good or had any good qualities. Sometimes, if circumstances forced it, I might internally concede that I committed a superficially good action, but then tell myself it didn’t count because I must have done it out of evil motives. I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Unbeknownst to me, shame was leading me to lie to myself on a daily basis. Long before I knew what it was, or I understood that I’d been abused, or ever saw a psychologist, I was dealing with shame that came from the emotional abuse I experienced growing up. Even after learning that my pervasive sense of self-loathing had a name and that it comes from abuse, shame’s lies remained persuasive and constant. I did start to question these self-attacks, but the accusations continued to sound incredibly reasonable in my head. I didn’t really want to believe these cruel thoughts about myself, and knew that I had justification for doubting whether they were true. I also had learned that genuine guilt is tied to specific acts, so if I found myself feeling badly, but couldn’t identify anything I’d done wrong, chances were good that I was feeling shame and not guilt. However, I was also paranoid that I might use shame as an excuse to ignore my sins. “What if some of the self-judgment is true and I’m just using this business about shame and abuse to salve my conscience as I go on living wickedly?” I worried.

Enter the snarky narrator of Tearmoon Empire. The narrator is scathingly critical of Mia and those around her. If Mia does anything “good,” the narrator is quick to jump in and insist that it doesn’t count because Mia really had a selfish or stupid motive and the positive effect she had was a complete accident. If she manages to succeed at something to such a degree that even the narrator must grudgingly concede Mia was “good” in some sense, he quickly dismisses the whole incident as trivial, insignificant, hardly worth paying attention to. Her seemingly good deeds must never be construed as evidence of any virtue on Mia’s part. If characters around Mia witness her behavior and regard it in a positive light, the narrator denounces them as delusional fools who pathetically misunderstand her. They only think well of Mia as person, the narrator says, because they don’t know the truth about her. Does any of that remind you of something? Like, maybe something you read, oh, in the two paragraphs before this one?

The narration’s snide disparagement is certainly funny, but it also challenges readers to consider whether Mia is as bad as the narrator insists she is, as good as the other characters believe her to be, or perhaps something in between. As I read Tearmoon Empire, vol. 1, and pondered this question, I had a stunning epiphany. I don’t have an exact quote from when I made this realization, but it sounded something like this:

“There is an uncanny resemblance between the shame-fueled self-narration in my head and the comically derisive narrator of this light novel.”

It was eerie seeing how much this hypercritical light novel narrator’s attacks on the protagonist echoed the things I’d tell myself on an almost daily basis. Minimizing good things, dismissing positive perspectives from other people as ignorant accidents, suspecting wicked motives behind everything one does… The narrator’s tactics were all too familiar to me. However, there was one very important difference between my self-judging inner monologues and the narrator’s charges against Mia: I treated the former totally seriously, while I found the latter obviously ridiculous.

Though the narrator’s critiques of Mia occasionally contain an element of truth, much of the time it’s laughable how different the narrator’s scornful remarks are from what Mia explicitly says and does, or from the conclusions witnesses draw about Mia. The narrator’s snarky commentary is humorous in itself, and it gains a second level of humor as one starts comparing the narrator’s claims with how Mia actually acts and how other characters react to her. It’s literally unbelievable that Mia could really be the moronic evildoer that the narrator makes her out to be.  Keep in mind, not once does the narrator suggest Mia is trying to deceive people: according to him, she just bumbles around trying to be a jerk but inadvertently giving people delusions that she’s a good person. The longer the book goes on, the more silly it becomes how much over-the-top stupidity it would take for all the other characters to misinterpret the princess so thoroughly.

Thanks to Tearmoon Empire’s narrator, I could see numerous lies that I’d told myself placed in a different context that made it unmistakable how absurd and untrue they were. Cruel indictments that sounded plausible in my head became far less compelling when spoken by another voice about another person. Since reading this book a couple months ago, it’s been easier than ever for me to recognize when I’m starting to tell myself lies, and to fight back against that tendency. I’ve done so much better at telling shame to just shut up when it starts trying to spew more of its familiar falsehoods, instead of getting wrapped up in self-deception and spending hours mired in tearful self-recrimination. The gap between the narrator’s view of Mia versus the other characters view of her enabled me to see more clearly how wrong I’ve been for dismissing outside evidence of my worth and trusting only the philippics of my own thoughts. This wasn’t a light bulb switching on—this was a whole array of massive sports stadium lights flaring up all together and drowning me in their radiance. To put it another way, you could say that I found Tearmoon Empire to be a truly light novel in more ways than one.

I never would have guessed that I’d end up praising a light novel for helping me deal with psychological trauma, but life is full of surprises. “Now let me be clear,” I’m not claiming that reading a good book is sufficient to solve serious mental health issues. If you or those you love are struggling, seek professional help. It works! I’m certain that my years of prior psychological and psychiatric care were essential for helping me grow to the point where I could benefit from reading Tearmoon Empire. This book is only one step in a long journey that’s not over yet. But the fact remains that reading a Japanese novel about a time-traveling Marie Antoinette analogue was a life-changing experience that has helped me in dealing with the shame from my childhood emotional abuse. Thank you, Nozomu Mochitsuki, for writing this book, and thank you, J-Novel Club, for translating and publishing it. I’ll keep fighting not to let shame narrate my life anymore.

=====

Tearmoon Empire can be purchased through J-Novel Club or Amazon. We’ll be discussing volume one is our next Light Novel Club meeting, so please pick up a copy and join us then, on May 31st.

#Light Novels #Christianity #Tearmoon Empire #Tearmoon Teikoku Monogatari #Shame #Self deception #Trauma #Truth #Articles #Author: JeskaiAngel

[changeling-fae]

I didn’t get any asks but I really wanted to do this so here we go!

1. What’s their name? Is there a reason why they were named that?

Maris (mah-riss) is Melody and Talbott’s son and Lorelei (lora-lie) is their daughter. Since Melody’s line has merfolk in it, it was important to keep the sea ties to their lineage.

2. Who are their parents? What’s their relationship with them?

Melody Prince and Talbott Winger are their parents and they have a very close relationship. This is definitely due to Melody and Talbott’s family trauma and their desire to make sure their kids didn’t endure what they endured.

3. Which relative do they resemble the most? Why?

Maris is not only the son of Talbott but is also the son of a Prince and all the Prince men are reserved and aloof.

That being said he is more... mischievous? He’s too smart for his own good and thanks to being a legilimens he knows a lot of secrets. I’d say he’s a good blend of both parents.

Lorelei is also a good blend but her aloofness is more whimsical than serious. She’s also a legilimens but doesn’t use secrets as a weapon like her brother. She’s a poet like her father and writes her own songs.

4. How much did MC influence their growth?

Quite a bit, she grew up feeling abandoned by her family and never wanted her children to feel that. She and Talbott make sure that their kids know that they’re loved.

5. How much did Jacob influenced their growth?

Assuming he survives the game, he doesn’t have too much influence. He and Melody’s relationship was never able to fully heal.

He’s of course welcome to the family and he does visit occasionally but he felt guilt for what he put his sister through and thought he didn’t deserve his place in her life.

6. Describe their wand.

Maris’ wand is 11in Elm wood with a scale from his great-grandmother’s tail.

“The unfounded belief that only pure-bloods can produce magic from elm wands was undoubtedly started by some elm wand owner seeking to prove his own blood credentials, for I have known perfect matches of elm wands who are Muggle-borns. The truth is that elm wands prefer owners with presence, magical dexterity and a certain native dignity. Of all wand woods, elm, in my experience, produces the fewest accidents, the least foolish errors, and the most elegant charms and spells; these are sophisticated wands, capable of highly advanced magic in the right hands (which, again, makes it highly desirable to those who espouse the pure-blood philosophy).”

Lorelei’s wand is 12in Beech wood also with a scale from her great-grandmother.

“The true match for a beech wand will be, if young, wise beyond his or her years, and if full-grown, rich in understanding and experience. Beech wands perform very weakly for the narrow-minded and intolerant. Such wizards and witches, having obtained a beech wand without having been suitably matched (yet coveting this most desirable, richly hued and highly prized wand wood), have often presented themselves at the homes of learned wandmakers such as myself, demanding to know the reason for their handsome wand’s lack of power. When properly matched, the beech wand is capable of a subtlety and artistry rarely seen in any other wood, hence its lustrous reputation.”

7. Do they have any pets? If not, how do they feel towards animals in general?

Basically just as many pets that Melody had growing up. They’re animagi like their parents and are good with animals, especially aquatic ones and birds.

8. How much of the Magical World have they already experienced before they started attending Hogwarts?

They were born into it, with Melody being a healer for St Mungo’s (and later Hogwarts) and Talbott being an Auror. They grew up in Melody’s childhood home which is tied to a magical reserve for aquatic magical creatures.

9. Do they have any muggle based interests?

Maris finds psychology and science fascinating. He can often be found reading muggle doctors textbooks. He’s also a big fan of HP Lovecraft, mostly because he finds the concept of muggles finding fish people horrifying hilarious.

Lorelei loves muggle music and has gone to quite a few concerts. People might be surprised to find that her favorite is heavy metal.

10. In which house were they sorted? How much do they fit the Sorting Hat choice?

Maris gets sorted into Slytherin like his mother and definitely fits his house. He’s cunning, ambitious, and very resourceful. He’s also John Oliver level of trolling ability.

Lorelei was sorted into Ravenclaw like her father and she also very much fits her house, especially the creative and independent part. She’s very open minded like her mother too (who had been a hatstall with Ravenclaw).

11. Which is the general opinion about them?

Maris is a sparkly, hot (heart of gold) asshole and Lorelei is a mysterious, whimsical space cadet.

Maris is following his uncles footsteps in having a bit of a fan club. The only difference is he’s more into it and will absolutely use it to his advantage.

Lorelei is the only one who can easily knock him off his pedestal when she feels his head is getting too big.

Lorelei is incredibly intelligent like her family but she’s such a daydreamer that upon first meetings, many people think she’s just an airhead.

12. What do the professors and the other people working at the school think about them?

Kind of a combination “oh no” and “huh, they’re not too bad”.

Maris and Lorelei are good students even with their quirks and they will never be as bad as Melody in breaking the rules.

13. Is there a professor they highly respect? Is there instead a professor they can’t stand at all?

Flitwick is a favorite to both kids and they respect McGonagall as Headmistress.

(If Snape were alive they’d like him to, especially Lorelei).

There isn’t really a professor they dislike but Maris likes messing with Trelawney because he finds it fun, especially being a legilimens.

14. Talk about their favorite subjects.

Maris loves DADA, herbology, and flying the most. He’s also really into arithmancy and astronomy.

Lorelei loves potions, charms, and divination. She’s good at transfiguration too.

15. Talk about their least favorite subjects.

For Maris, HoM, he just gets so bored and isn’t really a history fan.

For Lorelei, DADA, she’s just not an aggressive person by nature and is more passive in how she views the world.

16. Do they possess a broom? If not, do they have another devices that allows them to fly?

They do but they prefer to fly in their animagi forms. Maris is a belted kingfisher and Lorelei is a diving petrel.

17. What do they think about Quidditch? Are they part of the Quidditch team? If yes, in which role do they play?

Maris actually becomes seeker for Slytherin and quite good at it but he’s weirdly enough not really a fan at watching other teams. He just likes the thrill and competition but only when he’s involved.

Lorelei doesn’t care about Quidditch at all but she does watch on the days her brother plays.

18. Do they attend other club activities at school?

Maris becomes a Prefect and is the leader of the Gobstones club. He’s just as bad as his mom in leaving no survivors in the game.

Lorelei is part of the Frog Choir and is also a member of the potions club.

19. Have they developed any peculiar skill, magical or not?

Both are legilimens like their mother and animagi like their parents.

Maris is good at strategy games and enjoys muggle poker.

Lorelei is good with her hands and is actually a pretty good masseuse.

20. List five things they like.

For Maris; Intellectual stimulus, trolling people, swimming, fishing, and flying.

For Lorelei; Singing, song writing/poetry, swimming, making wind chimes, muggle aquariums.

21. List five things they dislike.

For Maris; Ignorance, blood purists, incompetency, boredom, hypocrites.

For Lorelei; Close mindedness, cruelty, assumptions, blood purists, dishonesty.

22. Have they any interest in dating? Have they a crush on someone? How do you think this someone feel about them?

Maris is a serial flirt and Lorelei believes things will happen when they happen. Haven’t thought further than that.

23. Are they able to cast a Patronus? If yes, what animal does it represent?

Yep, Maris patronus is the same as his animagus form as a kingfisher (so his form and patronus match just like his father).

Lorelei’s patronus is a moon jellyfish (so differs just like her mother).

24. What’s their greatest fear? How does it translate into their boggart?

Probably losing their parents or each other, they have a very happy childhood and would be devastated if something suddenly happened.

Boggart would be a dead loved one.

25. What’s their greatest weakness? How do they deal with it?

For Maris, probably hubris. He’s very proud of his skills and actually does work hard to maintain them so if he suddenly couldn’t succeed at something he put effort into, it would damage his esteem.

He’d turn to his mother for advice after a lot of angst because he knows that he got his overachiever attitude from her.

Lorelei’s weakness is probably passivity, as in she’s not really proactive. She’s fine with things just happening to her instead of seeking it out.

It’s mostly her brother who gets her to be more proactive, usually through brotherly teasing.

26. Is there an objective they’re trying to accomplish?

For Maris, be the top of his class and for Lorelei just graduate.

27. How do they change throughout their school years?

Maris becomes more cocky midway through but he settles down by graduation.

Lorelei becomes less dependent on her family and more comfortable with her place in the world.

28. Talk about their relationship with the other Fankids.

If anyone wants to their fankids to be friends with mine, please let me know because that would be awesome! (please)

29. Are they the “bully”, the “victim” or the “hero” of the situation?

Maris isn’t a bully per se, he’s not cruel, he just likes to tease people, but he does troll people he thinks deserves it (like bigots).

Lorelei is very accepting of people no matter their quirks so if someone needs help she’s good at making people feel good.

30. Use a meme to describe them.

Maris

Lorelei

#hogwarts mystery #Melody Prince #talbott x mc #hm fankids

[eroticcannibal]

Please stop telling people to “just do CBT”

CBT, like medication, can be valuable and life-changing to an individual. And like medication, it can also be devastating if it’s not the right treatment to you. It seems a lot of people seem to think that because it’s accessible and you can get free PDFs online, that it’s safe to just hop on any post and tell complete strangers to try it.

That is dangerous and irresponsible behavior. 

CBT is suited to those who are having trouble specifically with their thought patterns around things that do not justify those kinds of thought patterns, to the point where it impacts their life. CBT is not suited to just anyone having problems with their mood or anxiety or their thought patterns. And yet it is frequently pushed on people by strangers, by doctors (because it is relatively quick and cheap, thanks capitalism!), even forced on patients who aren’t suited to the treatment, causing worsening situations, even trauma. 

I can’t link to any of the wonderful conversations I’ve witnessed in private groups by those harmed by CBT, unfortunately. To summarise, I have seen fair comparisons to ABA, gaslighting, victim blaming, brainwashing, neglectful parenting that dismisses the feelings of the child (have fun with that one if that’s the source of your problems), grooming the patient to be receptive to coercion and institutional abuses, But from my own perspective as someone who had to stop CBT before I killed myself as a result of it, HERE is some highlights of the more damaging parts of a typical CBT workbook (and there's some great contributions in the notes). For those with issues caused by abuse or oppression or other situational factors, CBT becomes gaslighting. CBT is routinely weaponized against the oppressed and the abused, when our understandable reactions make others uncomfortable. CBT is used to make us into “good victims”, who don’t hurt or cry or complain or blame anyone. CBT is a therapy that can sever the connection between a person and themselves, it can be compassionless and cold. Not to mention that CBT inherently shifts the blame for feelings and behaviors entirely onto the individual rather than acknowledging the true role of triggers. 

In addition to this, CBT and how it is implemented is not only criticized by those harmed directly by it, but by professionals too. 

“this model appears to confuse the symptoms (i.e., negative self concepts) of depression with its cognitive causes...  In many cases, clients' appraisals and reports of their negative or distressful experiences are quite rational, realistic, and accurate. For example, their experiences of sexual or physical abuse at the hands of another or the tragedies of their loved ones have left enormous scars in their life. In such circumstances, cognitive-restructuring exercises, with their emphasis on reframing reality and not on changing it, do not deal with the true problem...  research has shown that positive self-evaluations may be dysfunctional and maladaptive...  the self-focused cognitive model puts a strong emphasis on examining the association between negative thoughts and mental dysfunction, but it has not answered the question of why individuals choose to focus on their negative attributes when the positive evaluation of the self is more accurate. “

“ Opponents have frequently argued that the approach is too mechanistic and fails to address the concerns of the “whole” patient...   the specific cognitive components of CBT often fail to outperform “stripped-down” versions of the treatment that contain only the more basic behavioral strategies... patients with major depression improved just as much following a treatment that contained only the behavioral strategies and explicitly excluded techniques designed to directly modify distorted cognitions... “

“Some critics argue that because CBT only addresses current problems and focuses on specific issues, it does not address the possible underlying causes of mental health conditions, such as an unhappy childhood...  CBT focuses on the individual’s capacity to change themselves (their thoughts, feelings and behaviours), and does not address wider problems in systems or families that often have a significant impact on an individual’s health and wellbeing. “

“ Seek a therapy referral on the NHS today, and you’re much more likely to end up, not in anything resembling psychoanalysis, but in a short series of highly structured meetings with a CBT practitioner, or perhaps learning methods to interrupt your “catastrophising” thinking via a PowerPoint presentation, or online...   CBT doesn’t exactly claim that happiness is easy, but it does imply that it’s relatively simple: your distress is caused by your irrational beliefs, and it’s within your power to seize hold of those beliefs and change them...    Our conscious minds are tiny iceberg-tips on the dark ocean of the unconscious – and you can’t truly explore that ocean by means of CBT’s simple, standardised, science-tested steps...  Examining scores of earlier experimental trials, two researchers from Norway concluded that its effect size – a technical measure of its usefulness – had fallen by half since 1977...  For the most severely depressed, it concluded, 18 months of analysis worked far better – and with much longer-lasting effects – than “treatment as usual” on the NHS, which included some CBT. Two years after the various treatments ended, 44% of analysis patients no longer met the criteria for major depression, compared to one-tenth of the others. Around the same time, the Swedish press reported a finding from government auditors there: that a multimillion pound scheme to reorient mental healthcare towards CBT had proved completely ineffective in meeting its goals...

 A few years ago, after CBT had started to dominate taxpayer-funded therapy in Britain, a woman I’ll call Rachel, from Oxfordshire, sought therapy on the NHS for depression, following the birth of her first child. She was sent first to sit through a group PowerPoint presentation, promising five steps to “improve your mood”; then she received CBT from a therapist and, in between sessions, via computer. “I don’t think anything has ever made me feel as lonely and isolated as having a computer program ask me how I felt on a scale of one to five, and – after I’d clicked the sad emoticon on the screen – telling me it was ‘sorry to hear that’ in a prerecorded voice,” Rachel recalled. Completing CBT worksheets under a human therapist’s guidance wasn’t much better. “With postnatal depression,” she said, “you’ve gone from a situation in which you’ve been working, earning your own money, doing interesting things – and suddenly you’re at home on your own, mostly covered in sick, with no adult to talk to.” What she needed, she sees now, was real connection: that fundamental if hard-to-express sense of being held in the mind of another person, even if only for a short period each week.“I may be mentally ill,” Rachel said, “but I do know that a computer does not feel bad for me.”...    

In the NHS study conducted at the Tavistock clinic last year, chronically depressed patients receiving psychoanalytic therapy stood a 40% better chance of going into partial remission, during every six-month period of the research, than those receiving other treatments...  Alongside this growing body of evidence, scholars have begun to ask pointed questions about the studies that first fuelled CBT’s ascendancy. In a provocative 2004 paper, the Atlanta-based psychologist Drew Westen and his colleagues showed how researchers – motivated by the desire for an experiment with clearly interpretable results – had often excluded up to two-thirds of potential participants, typically because they had multiple psychological problems...  Moreover, some studies have sometimes seemed to unfairly stack the deck, as when CBT has been compared with “psychodynamic therapy” delivered by graduate students who’d received only a few days’ cursory training in it, from other students...  But the most incendiary charge against cognitive approaches, from the torchbearers of psychoanalysis, is that they might actually make things worse: that finding ways to manage your depressed or anxious thoughts, for example, may simply postpone the point at which you’re driven to take the plunge into self-understanding and lasting change. CBT’s implied promise is that there’s a relatively simple, step-by-step way to gain mastery over suffering. But perhaps there’s more to be gained from acknowledging how little control – over our lives, our emotions, and other people’s actions – we really have?...        

Many neuroscience experiments have indicated that the brain processes information much faster than conscious awareness can keep track of it, so that countless mental operations run, in the neuroscientist David Eagleman’s phrase, “under the hood” – unseen by the conscious mind in the driving-seat. For that reason, as Louis Cozolino writes in Why Therapy Works, “by the time we become consciously aware of an experience, it has already been processed many times, activated memories, and initiated complex patterns of behaviour.”...  This doesn’t mesh well with a basic assumption of CBT – that, with training, we can learn to catch most of our unhelpful mental responses in the act. Rather, it seems to confirm the psychoanalytic intuition that the unconscious is huge, and largely in control; and that we live, unavoidably, through lenses created in the past, which we can only hope to modify partially, slowly and with great effort.  “

“ after completing low-intensity CBT, more than one in two service users had relapsed within 12 months.”

“ the overwhelming majority of CBT still operates through Becksian principles of normalisation, fitting a governmental agenda of producing good, quiet, working subjects who contribute to the economy and shut up. “

“To make this analysis, let’s imagine you are a therapist who is given the task of providing therapy for Ariel Castro (the recent accused kidnapper and rapist) to help him deal with suicidal thoughts over being universally hated and most likely condemned to a life sentence or the death penalty. Now think about the absurdity of doing CBT in this situation; that is, analyzing his negative thought patterns to help him deal with his one-sided thinking so he can better adjust himself to his (not so nice) life conditions.

Even better, imagine you’re given the task of providing therapy for Dr. Joseph Biederman (the key promoter of children’s Bipolar diagnoses) who perhaps is dealing with a severe depression related to negative public opinion regarding the enormous damage his work has done to tens of thousands of children (unfortunately his depression is a made-up scenario). Again you have the assigned responsibility to use CBT to help him see beyond the “negatives” in his thought patterns to find the “positives” in his career in order to help relieve his depression so he can get on with his work with great enthusiasm.

And even more controversial, let’s say you have the task of providing therapy using CBT for President George Bush several months after he launched the Iraq war; imagine for a moment that he has become quite depressed related to the growing mass demonstrations and the grief displayed by the parents of dead American soldiers coming home in coffins on a daily basis. Your job is to help him overcome his depression so he can get back to being The Commander In Chief...

CBT, being part of the “idealist” school of thought, tends to sever the relationship between the specific nature of the material conditions in the environment that gives rise to a person’s thoughts, and leaves it up to the interpretation of the listener (often a therapist) to determine whether or not the environmental source of those thoughts was actually traumatic or oppressive or more positive and humane. “

[Let me be clear, this is not me saying that CBT is bad, should never be used, or that it can’t be helpful to you. If it works for you, use it. It is the attitude that damn near everyone has, laypeople and professionals alike, that it’s a magic fix it that works for everyone, that I am challenging here. I’ve had issues with professionals not believing me recently when I expressed that I was unwilling to go through CBT again because it is a danger to me, because “oh it’s just changing how you think, that can’t be dangerous!”. Recommending particular treatments without a complete understanding of someone’s situation and without the proper clinical knowledge is dangerous, and when it comes to CBT it happens all the time. Recommending CBT without considering situational factors is dangerous, and it happens all the time.]

#Word of God #long post

[possiblyimbiassed]

What happened to Sherlock? Part VII – The Importance of Being Earnest (2)

This is the direct (and lengthy) continuation of Part VII in my meta series “What happened to Sherlock?”. You can find the first post of this installment here. I’m now going to continue testing my Hypothesis #7, which goes like this:

Hypothesis #7. By TFP Sherlock has managed to figure out some essential things about John and the importance of staying alive, and he has managed to get in touch with his own repressed emotions.

In the first post I tried to verify the two first statements of this hypothesis, and here I’ll focus on the third statement about repressed emotions. After the hug in TLD, Therapist!Sherlock (assuming Eurus=Sherlock) thought that John felt ‘so much better’. But then Detective!Sherlock noticed that something was still wrong; his client seemed to be channelling Satan and Faith’s note was actually ‘real’. The scenario ended with Therapist!Sherlock shooting John in the face, but in TFP we learn that this was done with a tranquilizer, so John survived. Which brings us right into:

Prediction #2: If Hypothesis #7 is true, Sherlock will have to confront his childhood trauma and the context where he chose to repress his emotions.  

Sherlock really needs to stay alive for John’s sake. But how can you stay alive when Emotions are killing you? Sherlock might think the only solution is to bring them on and face them, try to beat them ‘in a death-defying act’. Which means Sherlock must go deeper still into his own mind, to face his demons. 

i actually think this is the single bravest thing Sherlock does in the whole show this far. And in order to face his demons and traumatic memories, he needs to perform his Mind Theatre experiments on himself. But who’s the scientist then - who is setting up the experiments? I believe this is done by Sherlock letting someone impersonate a side of himself that he has been hiding and neglecting for a very long time, and who therefore appears to be a cold, calculating psychopath to be feared and avoided: Sister Sentiment.

@beingallmysterious said it in their very brilliant meta about Eurus representing Emotion (my bolding, the link also contains the additions):

“The final problem then is reason vs sentiment. How do we live with emotions? Should we lock them up as Mycroft recommends? Sherlock has tried this and it didn’t work. So what’s Sherlock’s solution in the end? He lives with her. He accepts her. He becomes whole again. Reason and sentiment”.

This is, basically, what I think TFP is about. Sherlock might believe he has to defeat and disarm Eurus, but this story tells him (and us) that he rather has to embrace her, accept her as a valid part of himself. So let’s keep on running the scenarios.

TFP, Scenario 1: What happened back then?

Inspiration: It seems like this scenario starts when Mycroft is forced to talk about his and Sherlock’s upbringing and their ‘lost sister’ Eurus. We go back to their childhood and the mansion where the Holmes family used to live. So some of this might be based upon Sherlock’s real memories. But there’s also a resemblance to certain horror movies, which I doubt is a coincidence. I rather believe this is Sherlock’s way of deflecting traumatic memories he’d rather not get into. He uses characters from these movies as ‘actors’, with scary, supernatural powers representing Eurus, such as Orphan: 

Or The Ring:

As a bonus, this girl from The Ring (Samara is her name, by the way) also happens to come out of a well (see discussion on the 5th scenario of TFP at the end of this post) and she climbs through the screen of the telly, a bit like Eurus slips through the suddenly non-existent glass wall at Sherrinford.

[Running a scenario where Sherlock and John scare Mycroft into telling the truth about their childhood, when Sherlock used to play pirates with his dog while little Eurus played alone, and they had ‘honey for tea’ at Musgrave Hall. But Eurus seemed to want Sherlock dead and set the mansion on fire, and in present time 221B gets blown up by Eurus’ ‘patience grenade’]

Result: We learn that little Eurus (=Sherlock) set the house on fire and was then ‘taken away’ to some un-named ‘suitable place’, where she started a new fire. And then Uncle Rudy ‘took care of things’; she was declared dead but secretly sent to Sherrinford. In spite of all the absurd creepiness (bizarre clowns, explosions etc), present day Sherlock’s search for his sister leads them to Sherrinford, an isolated prison island way out at sea, where she is (supposedly) locked up. And since John was only sedated at the end of TLD, he’s now with Sherlock again. But well there, the nightmare continues; Sister Sentiment takes over their free will pretty quickly. 

Discussion: @sagestreet has made an interesting analysis based on the idea that the memory sticks that keep popping up every now and then in the show represent Sherlock’s “’lost’ memory (about his traumatic past and subsequently repressed gay identity)” @sagestreet theorizes that this ‘lost’ memory might be based on the experience that “Sherlock’s dad was in a gay relationship with his best friend and something went very, very wrong”. And, furthermore, what if this friend was ‘Uncle Rudy’, possibly the brother of Sherlock’s mother?

This idea would be interesting to explore further, and I replied to @sagestreet‘s meta with some more speculation: A triangle drama like this might have had an emotional impact on the kids, perhaps enough to make the older Mycroft ‘abandon’ his own feelings and try to make his little brother do the same. But if little Sherlock (=Eurus) had a too emotional personality to even manage to distinguish one feeling from the other in this mess...

...he might have confused the situation of jealousy, guilt, anger, betrayal etc. in the family with his Dad’s sexual orientation. And it all might have been mixed up into internalized homophobia, where Sherlock would blame himself for having the same kind of feelings as his Dad, which would make him think he risked dragging others into pain and misery. 

So what did actually happen? I don’t think we (and Sherlock) really get the answers in TFP, but we do get to feel some of the emotions connected to it, and that’s at least a beginning. Was there a suicide in Sherlock’s family, connected to a possible triangle drama? Or was an impending ‘scandal’ with secret-keeping in a chaotic family situation enough to mess up Sherlock’s emotional life? Was young Sherlock sent to a boarding school? Mental institution? Well, I do hope S5 will offer satisfactory answers to this.   

TFP, Scenario 2: Is caring an advantage?

Inspiration: I think this is a key question for Sherlock, something he has been mulling over since he realized that his attitude doesn’t sit well with John, and maybe was the last straw in making John abandon him for someone else. John has been questioning Sherlock’s humanity at least since TGG, and possibly even earlier. If Sherlock did indeed ruin himself on drugs while reading John’s blog after the wedding (as I suggested earlier in this meta series), I think it’s relevant that this is how he came across on the blog after TGG:

So yes - this is one of the main problems that Sherlock needs to investigate in his Mind Theatre to find out what went wrong between him and John.

But Sherlock’s statement is contradictory (which I believe John tends to miss, at least consciously). Because trying to save people’s lives already means caring. Sherlock’s actions prove that he already does care about people - why otherwise would he work on crime solving? There are many less humanity-serving ‘games’ he could play and puzzles he could solve to keep himself entertained. So Sherlock definitely does care, but I think his real problem is that he doesn’t permit himself to feel it. Because feeling compassion means exposing himself to other people’s suffering - and his own. Sister Sentiment will make him suffer.

This is what Sherlock has been told, probably by Mycroft, in an attempt to protect his overly emotional little brother from the cruelty of life. The question is, though: Not an advantage for whom? Caring certainly is an advantage for the people you care about. It’s just that it might make you suffer.

[Running the scenario. For the first time in this story Sherlock exposes himself to his own experiments, rather than someone else. These are ethical dilemmas and he finally gets to the point where he’s sincere enough with himself to really face these demons. Because he used to hide from them before, which has deprived him of John. And - as @beingallmysterious said in their meta about Eurus - this is what Sentiment does to you: “Eurus puts Sherlock through torturous mind games. Doesn’t emotion do the exact same thing?” ]

Results and discussion: In Sister Sentiment’s first experiment Sherlock is supposed to make John shoot the Governor of Sherrinford, supposedly to stop Eurus from murdering his wife (which reminds me of a manipulation scheme from the mentalist Derren Brown (X). In his show ‘Push’ Brown tries to manipulate a guy, by group think and submission to authority figures, to ‘commit murder’ and push someone off a building). Sherlock seems very pragmatic about this; we don’t see him hesitate and he’s not even trying to refuse. He keeps playing entirely 'by the rules’: 

But what if the ‘rules’ are wrong? I think this mirrors how Sherlock, in a way, made John shoot the cabbie through the window in ASiP. If Sherlock had turned in the serial killer to the police instead of joining him to play mind games and prove himself clever, John wouldn’t have had to kill a person, which is a heavy weight to bear. In this scenario it gets clear that John doesn’t want to shoot someone, not even for the ‘greater good’. And in the end the Governor shoots himself to save his wife (who subsequently gets shot anyway). But the link to ASiP is clearly there, in my opinion; why else would they show us this bullet hole, which very much resembles the one where John shot the cabbie?

The next experiment is the three Garrideb brothers who are kept tied-up and dangling over the abyss. This is (supposedly) about solving a crime puzzle, and Sherlock quickly deduces who of the three brothers had committed the murder. But it doesn’t matter to Euros who the guilty is; she kills all three Garridebs anyway. Which resembles the result when Sherlock in TGG focuses a bit too much on the puzzles, without considering the victims (which enrages John). The blind lady had to spend a long time suffering in complete agony, so maybe she could no longer think clearly and started describing the criminal, who then detonated the bomb. Caring about the victim might have been an advantage for solving the case, and I think the important thing was that Sherlock’s cleverness wasn’t enough; the lady and a whole lot of other innocent people died anyway. But at least his compassion might have lessened the time of suffering for the victim. What would have happened if Sherlock had refused to condemn any of the Garridebs? We don’t know, because he thought he could save two of them by solving the puzzle and condemning the guilty one.

In the end it didn’t matter what Sherlock’s brain told him to do in these ‘experiments’; the victims died anyway. Which means caring about them at least wouldn’t have hurt. But I have a feeling that showing compassion in TGG would have solved much of the communication problems between Sherlock and John. Which I hope Sherlock finally begins to understand after TFP.

TFP, Scenario 3: What will happen if Sherlock confesses his love to John?

inspiration: I think this is one of Sherlock’s hardest tasks, because he has nothing to draw from. I think he knows - subconsciously - from TLD that he can’t bring John to ‘confess’ his feelings for Sherlock, unless Sherlock takes the first step. But having repressed his feelings for so long, this isn’t easy for Sherlock. He needs to learn to say the words, yes, but this isn’t enough; he has to actually mean it. Because if he tries to fool John in any way (like he cowardly did in the underground case in TEH), or slip away from it as in the Tarmac scene in HLV,  it’s only going to hurt John further and destroy his trust. So that’s why I think Eurus (=Sherlock) sets up this experiment. He needs Molly as a mirror for John, because he isn’t ready to admit this to John’s face just yet. 

[Running the scenario, involving a phone call to Molly with a threat of blowing her up if Sherlock can’t have a confession from her]

Result: It turns out that Molly (=John) won’t have any of this BS any more; it’s time for Sherlock to come clean. 

This is not about protecting John, or any other practical or ‘external’ reason for committing to him. It’s the point of no return, the moment of pure and simple honesty. “Tell John the truth” – that’s the mission. And finally, he does.

Discussion: This scenario is where I think the quote from Oscar Wilde might come in handy. 

The title of the story that John, Mycroft and Sherlock are talking about is ‘The importance of being Earnest’. I’m not a native English speaker, but the word ‘earnest’ has several meanings, as far as I know. For example serious-minded, solemn, sober. But also heartfelt, sincere and impassioned. And Earnest is also the (false) name of the two protagonists in Wilde’s story, hence the wordplay in the title. In this work, Wilde is depicting two friends that keep lying about who they really are and what’s their real name, in order to escape social obligations. But the subtext is quite loud that this is rather about their relationship than the women they are (supposedly) courting.

The play premiered in London in 1895, the same year as Oscar Wilde was imprisoned and sentenced to two years of hard labour for “gross indecency” (= basically for being gay). And also the same year that has been re-hashed in this show since John’s blog got stuck on 1895 hits in ASiB.

Anyway, this scenario is a key point; it’s where I believe Sherlock finally breaks and starts allowing himself to feel and react emotionally. Sherlock sees 'I love you’ as a defeat and Eurus tells him that he has made more harm than good. But I think he’s on the right track now, because he’s letting himself feel. 

And smashing the coffin might mean that he has actually found the way to save John Watson. Save him from suicide, because that’s what I believe the coffin means, symbolically: the death of John.

TFP, Scenario 4: Heart or brain?

Inspiration: I’m not sure where exactly Sherlock draws from with this one, but this seems to be a nagging question that he has been wrestling with for some time now. In Eurus’ fourth experiment in Sherrinford, Sherlock still keeps playing the game on her terms, by accepting to choose between John and Mycroft; metaphorically heart vs brain. It seems like Sherlock has to either keep his brilliant brain and cut off his heart again, or go by his heart, which will make him lose his head and go insane.

[running the fourth model, involving a gun and a choice]

Result: For a moment, it looks like Sherlock is actually going to choose the heart option and shoot Mycroft, who tries to provoke him to do this. But Sherlock now - for the first time in this story - skips the game and goes for a third option instead: killing himself. Again. Which seems to very much be Moriarty’s (= homophobia’s) goal with this. 

But it doesn’t work, because taking his own life is not the solution Eurus wants, so she doesn’t let him. Sherlock gets sedated, and his choice (to keep both brain and heart) only leads to another prison, where he’s surrounded by old family photos and a dog bowl (=memories). But breaking free from this and solving the Musgrave Ritual is (apparently) the solution.

Discussion: This choice could have been lengthy, but since Eurus (=Sherlock) aborts this scenario rather quickly, let’s just jump to the next one.

Scenario 5: How can Sherlock find the Truth?

The little girl on the plane, whom Sherlock has been trying to communicate with since early on in the episode, is lonely and desperate, and Sherlock is supposed to talk her down, to guide her towards the ground so she can land safely. But we also know that Mycroft (=Sherlock’s brain) was actually planning to let her crash the plane ‘for the greater good’ of other people’s safety.

So, are you telling the truth, Sherlock? I’m not so sure about that actually... And did the grown-ups really tell you the truth about certain things when you were a kid? You do seem to doubt it.

Inspiration: Well, once again I suspect that Oscar Wilde might have been an inspiration for this experiment; “Truth is rarely pure and never simple”. But the girl on the plane might also be very much representing how Sherlock is feeling; he might have been withhold truth in his past, so he opted to seek for it himself, always, by using his brain and powers of deduction. But he feels alone and scared, up in his ‘ivory tower’.

[Running a scenario involving a puzzle based on Eurus’ song; is it the solution to this puzzle?]

Result: The little girl is, it turns out, actually Eurus (=Sherlock), who is feeling lost high up in the sky, unable to land with a sleeping driver. Finding Eurus’ “room” by solving the song puzzle means finding the truth. Which means Sherlock can finally save John from the well he’s drowning in.

Discussion: [Ironically enough, in the midst of all this (righteous) rage over the big ‘Purge’ of tumblr, I stumbled over something that I wonder if it’s not a double irony? Or a triple irony? 

The thing is, that seeing this post about the tumblr censors flagging a 19:th century painting of the “Truth coming out of her well to shame mankind” (X), actually happened to give me something of an epiphany.]

This painting is from 1896 and it’s made by the French artist Jean-Léon Gérôme. You can read more about Gérôme’s work and see this and other of his paintings in this article here. This is the story (my bolding): 

“At this time, Gérôme painted a series of works showing the personification of Truth. First, she was shown as a nude at the bottom of a well, either lying on the ground, or standing with a mirror in her hand.” 

“Truth Coming out of her Well to Shame Mankind (1896) is based on a quotation from Democritus, “Of a truth we know nothing, for truth is in a well” (or, more literally, ‘in an abyss’), but knowing that reference is of little help in understanding these paintings. Gérôme had given one of the earlier paintings the title of Mendacibus et histrionibus occisa in puteo jacet alma Veritas, which translates as ‘The nurturer Truth lies in a well, having been killed by liars and actors’. In this last version, she has climbed out of the well, and instead of bearing the customary mirror, she brandishes a whip with which to scourge us.”

How many mirrors have we seen in this show by now? I think I lost count already in the unaired Pilot, but I wood guess at least some 50-ish. The point I want to make here, however, is that I believe the Truth Coming Out is central in BBC Sherlock. And in this fifth scenario we have two characters that are trapped in a well, keeping Truth hidden to the world:

Young Victor Trevor (Sherlock’s mate from college in ACD canon)...

...and adult John Watson.

One of them never came out; he was ‘killed by liars and actors’, people who refused to see the Truth. So something might have happened with Victor, which contributed to Sherlock shutting down his emotions. 

But the other one did come out, didn’t he? 

He literally did come out of his well, and he did it with Sherlock’s help. John isn’t exactly naked at the end of TFP, and he isn’t brandishing a whip (that’s Sherlock’s job - right? ;) ), so apparently John isn’t going to shame us. But John is indeed Sherlock’s Truth. If Sherlock is honest with himself, if he’s earnest, i think he must sooner or later admit exactly what John means to him. And John is wearing a blanket, just as Sherlock was after John Saved him in ASiP.

So if John is going to come out in S5, I think it’s perfectly foreshadowed here. And if he does, he’ll bring Truth with him, the true character of their relationship (which is also signaled by the codes of this episode). But it has to be with Sherlock’s help; Sherlock needs to take the first step to help him. This is the first time in S4 that Sherlock actually seems to manage to save John Watson. And he solves the puzzle by realizing that the girl on the plane is Eurus, who desperately needs a hug. Sherlock needs to embrace his own emotions, be OK with them and let them exist at the pair of his rational thinking.

Scenario #6: Does it matter who you really are?

Inspiration: A DVD is in focus here - not a memory stick this time - and it carries a message from ‘Mary’, just like the one at the end of TST, and the ‘unsolved’ (stabbed) case on Sherlock’s mantelpiece in TLD. But should Sherlock actually listen to her? 

[The last scenario is a sort of ‘epilogue’ to the events in Sherrinford, where things seem to have ‘straightened up’ again.]

Result: After Musgrave, Eurus is locked up in Sherrinford again; apparently Sherlock still considers his emotional self as being too dangerous to let loose, and now she can’t even speak any more. But we also see Sherlock in a process of healing; he rebuilds 221B with the help of John, and he starts meeting Sister Sentiment regularly, communicating with her directly through the violin. And, as @loveismyrevolution commented here, the beautiful piece they are playing together is called “Who you really are”(X).

“What I try to say is that Sherlock’s emotions are that intense that they must be kept in charge and they are still locked within himself (Sherrinford), but he’s aware of them, is in contact with them, acknowledges them to the outside world and it makes him whole again”. 

Discussion: 221B now has a slightly new dressing; some furniture have more rounded edges, and there’s an infant to take care of. Sherlock and John both seems happy with this. Both Greg and Molly pop in, and apparently Sherlock and John are solving crimes together again. But why is Mrs Hudson going around spraying the flat with aerosol?

The last (and only) time we saw aerosol in this show was the poisonous, fear-inducing fog at Baskerville and Dewer’s Hollow in THoB. Does this mean that the poisonous homophobia is still around? (I’m going by the metaphors in @sagestreet‘s Follow-the-dog meta here, that the hallucinogenic fog in THoB represents homophobia). Well, to me it definitely seems so, since this important issue still isn’t addressed - far from it, actually. And what about Sherlock facing Death (=Appointment in Samara)? The skull on the wall still seems to be glowing in one of the dull colours it was displaying before 221B got blown up, and John still appears concerned:

While I still believe, on both the meta level and as in-show ‘reality’, that the Holmes character is dying, at least Sherlock now seems to have faced his demons and thereby got in touch with his own, buried, emotions. But the scenario is very much dominated by ‘Mary’, whose message is two-edged: 

On the one hand she is hinting at what John and Sherlock could become without her. But on the other hand she claims that it doesn’t matter who they really are, and then she calls them “My Baker Street Boys”. Which I take to mean, that we could have our Holmes character two ways: Either we can keep it on a closeted, ‘myths-and-legends’ level as ‘Mary’ says, where Sherlock Holmes is an immortal, indestructible character. But if he can’t die, and he can’t fall in love, neither does he truly appear to be alive, right? The other option is that Sherlock and John need to get rid of her once and for all. Once 'Mary’s messages are no longer dominating, a time may come when Sherlock and John can become something very different from the emotionally repressed characters they remain until the end of this scenario, which has them frozen in time. They might actually come to life far more than in any adaptation this far. There’s a potential there, but also a threat. If it indeed matters ‘who you really are’, I believe this conflict has to be tackled in the next upcoming episodes.

OK, sorry for this meta-marathon, I hop it was at least barely readable. :) In the next installment I’ll analyse ‘Mary’s role more in-depth, trying to test predictions from this hypothesis:

Hypothesis #8. John is not the father of ‘Mary’s baby.

Tagging some people who might be interested: @raggedyblue @ebaeschnbliah @sarahthecoat @gosherlocked @loveismyrevolution @sagestreet​ @tjlcisthenewsexy​ @elldotsee​ @88thparallel​ @devoursjohnlock​ @sherlock-overflow-error​

#TFP #what happened to Sherlock? #truth is in a well