#Some of the things this bitch does make me feel the raw fascination of an Argentinian Steve Irwin discovering a brand new rare species.
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If your best friend doesn’t evoke the same feeling inside you as your favourite animal would, are they really your best friend?
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I know this might be a bit of a weird ask, but can I get your HCs on which characters you think would prefer having s*x with or without a condom? Like, which ones like being safe and which ones are creampie obsessed
Sorry it took so long for me to reply, Anon. It’s a bit of a difficult thing for me to comment on, because as you might have noticed, we barely have any condoms in our nsfw stuff lol Don’t follow these boys’ example, people! They’re all creampie obsessed, some of them more openly than others lol
Riddle is too embarrassed to even think about sex, but if he was sexually active, he would insist on condoms so aggressively that Floyd (for example) would have to catch him off-guard to get what he wants. Trey sounds like a normal reasonable guy who would absolutely always have condoms on him but would secretly think that creampies are the hottest shit ever. Not sure about Cater, but maybe he would be the one to find a way to make condoms sexy… although I don’t think he has sex all that often.
Ace and Deuce argue about this stuff, god they always argue in our headcanon posts lol Deuce thinks that using condoms is a right thing to do, Ace always tell him that they don’t need them, making Deuce feel stupid, but Deuce doesn’t give up. A lot of time they just end up unintentionally tearing it apart mid-sex lol
Ruggie knows about the importance of condoms, but he doesn’t use them with Leona – Leona doesn’t like how it feels. Jack, if he was to have sex, would always bring condoms, but despite his best intentions his instincts could make him overwhelmed and he’ll forget about them completely.
Octa-trio doesn’t use condoms, but they should, because while their own immune system is strong enough to handle a lot of shit, their lovers might have a reaction to any secretions that merpeople have. Poisonous sperm lol Floyd is the most sexually active, so he gets scolded a lot, especially by Azul who doesn’t want people to complain to him when their stomach starts to feel funny because of Floyd’s juice. Floyd throws a looot of “but it’s TOO TIGHT” tantrums… Jade doesn’t throw any tantrums, he just does whatever he wants and doesn’t talk about his sex life with Azul-the-hypocrite :)
Kalim doesn’t really like how condoms feel, and he really really REALLY enjoys the sight of Jamil’s butt being filled. So he is probably the one to ask Jamil to let him do it raw whenever he gets clingy… Jamil is always going to be against it, strictly against it, he would rather put the condom on Kalim himself, alright he can do it with his mouth, there, happy? But in actuality Jamil also really likes the feeling of being filled with Kalim…….. but it’s too embarrassing, and also A BITCH to clean afterwards.
I’m pretty sure Vil is the biggest safe sex advocate in the world. At least in NRC. If he heard about some of the boys’ habits, he would immediately give them an impromptu safe sex lesson in the most annoying and wordy way possible. And Rook usually does whatever Vil wants, buuuut there’s always this “but”, isn’t there? These two also have “raw” sex, and also do it quite often lol Vil thinks of it as either “alright it’s a treat for you” or “alright this once” but it still happens pretty much regularly. Although there are periods when it doesn’t happen at all for a long time. I guess it depends on their mood.
Epel would not use condoms because Vil said that he should lol I won’t elaborate further.
Idia and Ortho… You’ve probably seen my comic about this topic, so you know lol Idia doesn’t like condoms all that much (unless it’s a kink thing, in which he’s just VERY ASHAMED), but Ortho is fascinated by the concept. It’s a phase…
Lilia is the “do as I say, not as I do” type: he could also give a safe sex lesson but he doesn’t really believe in it. Fae immune system is probably also stronger than humans’, so he only does it for Silver’s sake. But “it” I mean teaches Silver about the importance of condoms of course, not wears one himself. God forbid.
So Silver knows about the importance of condoms, but since he doesn’t usually penetrate anyone, he doesn’t use them. He knows how to put them on his partner’s dick though, both with his hands and his mouth.
Sebek isn’t sure if he should wear one or not. But if he decided to do it, he would probably tear it in 3 places somehow and get emotionally destroyed by the fact that he tried to be responsible but still spilled his juice everywhere…
Malleus… Malleus would be amused by the idea of condoms. But I also have a feeling that he’s never seen one in his life…
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untitled project devlog #5: Murder mystery and the art of 50 cent plushies from the sunday market
A common thread among people who watch shows like NCIS or similar formulaic police shows -where the protagonist is a stoic wall of muscle surrounded by their coworkers who end up being more friends than coworkers- is to predict what’s happening. You frequently hear people go “I knew it was [blank] all along!” Which makes sense, that’s part of the appeal of these shows and how they’re written. You’re MEANT to be hooked in by the incomplete information, that’s the crux of ARGs like the mandela catalogue and marble hornets, lonelygirl15 before Austin Mcconel took over (his words not mine)
youtube
sidenote, Sarah from the mandela catalogue is an alternate I’M CALLING IT NOW, this bitch is sus as fuck.
Back to my point, mystery in fiction is a promise made by the author, that promise being that once it’s cemented itself in the logic of the world it inhabits (think how in the mandela catalogue the first few installments were introducing you to the idea of the demons that try to copy people) it’ll slowly unravel itself to the point where its cards are eventually there on the table, and it’s up to you to go back and see how you could have read them better. a good mystery makes the act of solving it equally as fascinating as the solution -that’s why agatha christie tends to be timeless whereas the appeal of shows like NCIS is eventually delegated to the character arcs and set pieces.
In the documentary free solo, Alex Honnold is on a mission to climb El Capitan, in Yosemite National Park with no safety equipment. The actual bit in the documentary where he does the climbing is around 5 to 10 minutes of the 100 minute long runtime of the film. the argument could be made that they could just upload the 5 minute montage of the climb to youtube, and for the extra vicarious thrillseekers low key on the autism spectrum like me, the unedited 3.5 hour long footage of him raw dogging the mountain. But that’s not what documentaries are the same way detective movies aren’t 20 minute podcasts of someone dryly reciting a police file. Documentaries aim to use the language and vocabulary of cinema to discuss everyday ideas. that’s why free solo spends 80 minutes teaching you about climbing as an art, showing you Alex the human, his friends, the shortcomings of other free soloists who died climbing and THEN shows you the 5 minute montage… because at that point the stakes are so high -appropriately so- that the shots of the camera man not being able to look in his viewfinder out of fear of filming someone’s death become intensely real. Alex becomes more than just the visualized idea of the climber, he’s THE climber Alex. The madman who wants to see something done. The friend, the human. It's about narrative delivery, the balance between tension and release.
This is interesting to consider because the information here is essentially the same, but one feels much more interesting. This same idea is why some science communicators like Hank Green and Bill Nye do a much better job at making you interested in science than most articles on google scholar, it’s the same information but more approachable and digestible. what i”m getting at here is that most things can be very interesting if you put this twist on them, even removed from the context of media: you’re not just talking to your racist boomer uncle, you’re privy to a front row seat into what makes someone grow up to be a racist shithead, which is significantly more interesting. When you shift your thinking into wanting to understand what’s behind the information, life becomes as thrilling and mysterious as a murder novel.
Now let’s apply this paradigm to something like this plushie I bought for 50 cents from the sunday market, and as you’ll see it’s going to raise a very interesting question regarding naturalistic storytelling.
I did not take a picture of it when I found it but it was very dirty, I had to wash it twice, and you can see how damaged it was, there were tears on the front as well and half the stitches connecting the head to the body were gone.
Here it is after it was fully sewed back up, I opted to highlight the patches because I think it shows the history behind the plush, and because I’ve been watching a lot of Baumgartner restoration videos lately and Julian would take away my fabric privileges if I covered up more than is needed.
also yes, it’s being propped up with an empty jar of tahini, it is delicious and I will not be taking feedback at this time. I want to direct your attention at this Logo here:
now if you search for “Herz’l plush” you get a bunch of disconcerting anatomically correct heart plushies that are sure to stab me in my sleep that are wildly unrelated to the brand. Unsurprising, it’s german for “my heart”
a bit of extra digging and you might come across this german reseller website with some plushies with the same tag, but nothing useful to our search is mentioned…
https://www.kleinanzeigen.de/s-anzeige/spiralplueschtier-schlange-herz-l-pluesch-kuscheltier/1850047318-23-4712
so… that’s a bust. What about the other side of the tag?
okay… not too sure of what to make of that. But that’s what search engines are for, let’s try “seneca”:
Oh it’s… a Stoic philosopher. Okay what about “seneca Hamburg?”
https://www.ebay.de/itm/125112346754
more ebay listings. great. okay fine, let’s ask the internet for help
I see. surely someone knows SOMETHING.
ok wow this thing is… old.
of course! The german trademark register. I feel dumb. let’s see what’s in there:
oh god oh jesus what is all this why is there a giant block of text is THAT-
okay so they made the plushie but why is it so FUCKING obscure? At this point I remembered I have a German lawyer friend. Everyone needs to have a German lawyer friend.
okay! now we know what to actually search for.
https://www.northdata.com/Terrex+Handels-AG,+Oststeinbek/Amtsgericht+L%C3%BCbeck+HRB+1610+RE
liquidation? so… they never renewed the trademark cause there was no more company. seems like they weren’t doing too well either. looks like at some point they did a merger with another company. Then not too soon later liquidated it… thanks to my dear lawyer friend here, I can tell you this:
“Every company is owned by a larger company, which is the shell company of a different company. At the end, you figure out all companies are owned by like 3-5 companies”
To recap, here’s what we learned about the tag on our plushie:
The plushie is exactly 30 years old as of 2023. This is not to mention that I learned about how companies buy each other like stocks, how there’s something called forensic accounting because of that, that the “China export” thing is just a myth*, and more…
*https://www.europarl.europa.eu/doceo/document/P-6-2007-5938-ASW_EN.html?redirect
so this is where we ended up:
It’s possible I may have gotten carried away. Setting that aside for a moment, this is what I mean when I say mysteries are good because they make you learn and explore. Sometimes, connections and breakthroughs are made because of things like a plushie that you would have otherwise completely ignored.
What this has to do with naturalistic storytelling is how it highlights the fact that life is messy. Despite the fact that I hyper fixated on this plush for hours, there’s a lot I still don’t know about it. I have a general overview of the situation for sure, I know it was made in Germany in 1993, and stuff about the company that made it but that’s about it. Good mysteries stay puzzling even after you solve them because LIFE is mysterious. The balance here is how much do you show the reader, and how much do you leave unanswered? The way I’ve personally found that deals with this has to do with format and layered storytelling.
There's one thing that comics do that will always be superior to other media and that is layered storytelling. Not to be confused with how films have a plots and b plots, or how books can choose to switch the focus of the scene onto something different: layered storytelling is when multiple pieces of information are being conveyed at once.
a very straight forward example oh what i mean is how in this section in my comic “Almost home” when Graham is having a conversation with a mysterious person who randomly shows up to see them:
In addition to the conversation being had, there’s this cypher in the background that you would have found the key to prior in the comic. The existence of a parallel piece of information that you can switch your attention to if you so desire is what makes this parallel storytelling. The reason I don’t think this could work in film is because in a comic, you dictate the speed at which the media is occurring. If you stop reading a speech bubble, that doesn’t mean the story is paused, it just means you’re focusing on the moment the panel is trying to show you; and different people do this differently.
In this panel, you’re free to choose whether or not the ciphered text is being narrated or not because focusing on it is optional and doesn't take away from your ability to understand what’s happening immediately in front of you. You’re free to read all of my comics without engaging with a single thing I put in the background and it will still provide a satisfying and emotional experience. Games also do this when done right, an excellent example is “Night in the woods” and how you’re free to ignore most of the town, or sidequests for example.
Another example is an unreleased project of mine still in early development called “the ice cream men”. The story follows two aliens who get stuck on earth and set about trying to make ice cream, shenanigans and existentialism ensue. In the book there’s an entire second narrative told in the form of writings on walls and random journal entries that they find that they just can’t read because… they’re aliens. To them this is just a big abandoned planet with a single cat on it, but to the reader with the ability to see everything… HOO BOY.
This is something I love incorporating into fiction. I think it gives things more depth if done right, and can act like the mystery of a detective novel or an ARG. Obviously this doesn't always work, sometimes the beauty of a story is its simplicity, or by how in your face it is about being analyzed. Not every idea needs or can even handle the additional weight of parallel storytelling. And that’s where dogs come in.
but I can’t talk about that now, we’ll have to leave it until next week.
Devlog updates on tuesdays.
#comic#webcomic#plushies#rescue#poetry#mystery#arg#the mandela catalogue#graphic novel#kinocomix#devlog#Youtube
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Raw: where the shot leaves me gagging for the arrow
Every little thing she does is magic
And I wish I could run to you and I hope you know that
Every time I don’t, I almost do
Let it fall (3rd time in 24 hours this has played)
And then I looked and saw my sweater lyin' there upon her grave (now that’s fascinating)
(Me to Stella: “when are you gonna talk about the fact that Laurie’s name played twice on your death day?”)
Do you wanna fight? Do you wanna get drunk and stay the night? Talk about the crisis in the Middle East? Do you wanna get really terrified?
Dude can we talk about Iran? How ya feeling about your latte when the brightest revolution in the world is happening and we can’t do shit for them
The ice caps are all melting and we’re gonna die(emphasized)
Do you wanna cry? I can make you cry. Do you wanna hit me baby one more time? Are you sure you want to go when You can do it with a rockstar? (This is a song of the day)
Baby, lead me by the hand
'Cause these bitches acting thirsty
You're burning out their lights and burning in their eyes
I love you all the time, I need you 8 to 9
Apparently baby’s coming back to me
You know the beat love lies before the fall
What you don't tell no one, you can tell me
Little ghost, blonde hair with lemonade tea
There's much to learn and so much to see
The calling card of a nuclear bomb is the blinding flash that Is far more dazzling than any light on earth - brighter even than the sun itself - and it is by the duration of this flash that we are able to determine the size of the weapon..."
What are we going to do without..?
Taking my love just a touch too far
But you packed up your clothes in that bag every night
Well, no one's gonna fix it for us, no one can
And so there's no open doors, there's no way to get through
There's no other witnesses, just us two
Two ways to tell the story, no one worries
Two silver rings on our fingers in a hurry
Two people talking inside your brain
Two people believing that I'm the one to blame
Two different voices coming out of your mouth (this song is at a 14)
The light bulbs burn, her fingers will learn.
The week I came to nyc let’s just say I was a mess and my anxiety was debilitating, and I ended up talking to God in a lightbulb in a rented room with no windows. And the next day I got a job that let me stay. So that’s that reference.
Never let it be said that he wasn’t willing
Well no shit, I know you miss him, girl
Now climb, climb up
Way up to see the sun(14/5)
You’ve got the teeth of the hydra upon you, get it on, bang a gong
What you know bout waking up everyday like you on a mission
And if you love yourself just know you’ll never be alone
It's no secret that the both of us
Are running out of time
So hello from the other side
I must've called a thousand times
This girl is a gun and we've been having some fun and I could show you if you turn the lights on*
“I am, I am gonna get her to me.”
The divine name I am
I can’t believe a word you say
Theses are lines from the jonathan song:
I cried for jonathan we all cried truly it made us pity him when we went to the morgue you were going to stay in our memories in a serious matter
Hands up, everybody. Because if you saw a jonathan really you were going to cry. applause he’s not dead, flying carpet flying
I’ll hold my breath til I hit the floor
Can I Knock you unconscious?
(Btw this is the song that was used to talk to me apparently about a past life where Jakk, the tarot reader and me were triplets, and Jakk was supposed to be the father of my child (apparent the writers have an incest fetish I dunno) and the tarot reader seduced Jakk while I was away and got herself pregnant by him, and God was very angry. Jakk’s name in that lifetime was sebastian, I was Christine and the TR’s past life name was Gina, you Know because the chick in the painting was actually the TR’s past life self. Yes, it’s on tape. )
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i am also desperate for more charles/pierre and lando/carlos fic so if YOU have any recs.... pls drop them!!
Hello Anon! Thank you for this ask because I do not write fic but I DO read them. This got so long so I will start with Pierre/Charles and please send me another ask and I will do Carlando under that I provide for you you provide for me MWAH.
This is NOT extensive but some of my favourites here. If any of you have recs not on here PLEASE either send me an ask or send me a message either! Ofc if anyone wants theirs taken off the list please lmk
None of this will be coherent sorry in advance but Under the Cut:
Listen. These first two. I know you’ve read these. But it gives me a chance to gush about them here. Read them. Read them again. Comment on them. Anyways, Bye.
Indentation in the shape of you by @baking-soda
There is zero chance you follow this blog for whatever reason and you have not read this fic. The most beautiful aching story about love and trust and trauma and Pierre as a p*ssy monster on full display. Am I supposed to try and sell you on these in this fic rec? We should literally be paying to read this but dr. Baking-soda is too gracious.
Your dream and your teeth by @yekoc
I think this is the Pierre/Charles fic I’ve read the most? It’s insanely sexy and it’s a really fascinating look at how love is about understanding and compromise and acceptance. The characterizations in this are everything to me, and I think it subverts some of the typical expectations for their dynamic in a way that is really interesting and fresh and impeccably done. Friends to lovers done right.
I started this and then realized it’s gonna be me telling you to read all of Yekoc’s fics on Pierre/Charles so the next 3 are one run-on sentence for each of the others you're welcome:
Careful Design - when I tell you I am the most OTP bitch to ever OTP bitch but this is Seb/Charles/Pierre ENDGAME Pierre/Charles and I will never read a triple pairing again because nothing will ever live up to this.
The Pull of You - PHONE SEX. but it’s complex and layered and it makes you THINK about every line you have to read it at least 3 times to get all the genius little things packed into 3K
The Bells That Can Still Ring - The newest masterpiece it is Post-WW1 AU, it is everything, as a reader you care so much about both of their journeys please go read it and comment on it because I actually can’t even form a coherent sentence about this one I cry everytime I try
This is New by @radiocheck
I…. love this story. The tension of ‘will they won’t they’ throughout is just enough to be satiated in the chapter but keep you on your toes for what is inevitably coming later. I also think this is my favourite fic that highlights the real friendship that is at the heart of these two. It made me smile so much.
Did You Know? by Kiwialicat
This is a gorgeous take on how trauma and love coincide in a relationship. It does mention the death of real life people so please heed the tags, but it’s really to me about kindness and care.
raspberry spring, iris heaven by distressedgremlin
An older one but so so good. They’re on vacation and Charles wears dresses and it makes you feel raw with it. It’s vulnerability and knowing someone and being known and it's gorgeous.
If I were proper, I’d have a chance: not with you but with somebody else by ShiwiSins (IetjeSiobhan)
A/B/O Sauber!Charles. I rarely recc A/B/O because I am very specific with the way I enjoy it written. It took writers I really trust delving into it for me to start even opening it as a tag. but this is a fun one, it’s really sweet, and I think it’s a fun exploration of a more youthful version of their characters
Your little ribs around me by Anon
Firstly this is my favourite title for a Pierre/Charles fic ever because it feels so much like them? I dont know how to explain it but the familiarity and protectiveness but the slight constriction of it feels very fitting. Anyways. The fic itself is also just. The intimacy and the character depth and the emotional history that is packed into just under 2k of writing is incredibly impressive.
Stars grew pale by poolside
Monza-versary blindfolds. That should be enough for you to read this. The familiarity between the two of them, how Charles is so observant that it makes the reader more observant, even with blindfolds. Really just a smart and enjoyable fic. Read all of poolside’s fics for Pierre/Charles basically but this is my favourite :)
darkest little paradise by @restacks
Post Monza 2020 blow job. It’s hot and it’s needy and a little desperate. I love how each of them give and take what they need in it. This Charles is also so interesting.
leave everything unsaid by withfeathers
this one is a really beautiful look into their relationship with grief, both individually and for each other. It also features Pierre’s fingers in Charles’ mouth which is my favourite visual for them in all fic, but particularly in a non-sexual context.
ADDED
Of Mute Swans and Nests by @pierregasiy
Ballet AU!! This is my COMFORT FIC and I know it is many others’ too. I did ballet as a kid and the AU here is so richly curated and nostalgic to me. The attention to detail, the way the characters are have so clearly carved out their own spaces in this world, the development of this pack of kind of misfits that you so badly want to root for, UGH. MWah. Even though it deals with a lot of angst it’s also FUNNY. The slow burn is rewarding because it doesn’t get too bogged down by it’s own circumstances, which is really refreshing. Thank god it is back up so you all can read it and go write nice comments.
There’s more I KNOW i’m missing, also some that are currently out on a little break but when they are brought back WILL be added to this. And to all the fic authors, thank you thank you. This is my favourite f1 pairing and everytime I see a new wonderful story with them it makes me feel so grateful. Happy reading everyone :)
#youre welcome anon this was hard#now do you see why I dont comment on your fics guys#I'm sorry I cannot write my thoughts properly#read these tho!#also anon come back for Carlando please#fic rec#asks
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This is a long angsty thought I had so I apologize: Bill and Tiger on vacation with friends and this is the first one with a few new editions to the group. Tiger gets along with all of them, but one night the girl reveals she wants to get with Bill. While Tiger gets a flare of jealousy, the calming waves and shining moon makes her feel a little more vulnerable than normal. She plays it cool, but she can’t help noticing how this girl is nice, she’s a solid friend from what Tiger can tell. She bottles up her emotions from the conversation, going straight to bed without texting or visiting Bill’s room. He’s slightly worried, of course, but just figured she got wasted. She had given him a key to her room so he walked in late to get some lovin, but she’s asleep. He sees the tears on her face, still wet and he knows somethings wrong. She wakes up from his stare and she loses it. He tries being stern with her, but he knew it was really bad when that didn’t work. She sadly tells him and he doesn’t say it’s dumb or that she’s overthinking. He just kisses her, plain stupid, grabbing her face and pulling her onto him. “Every time I look at you, kid. Every single time I look for you specifically and that won’t change.” He says, the warmth in her chest makes her head spin, and she smiles which he returns. “Plus, she spent the night with another guy hear yesterday, she was probably just a little vacation lovesick, just like another girl I know” He says, pinching her bottom. (Okay I’m done, but when she feels up to it he definitely fucks her so good she’s speechless and has to keep repeating that she’s his.)
Ohhhh sweet nani, the thoughts you have given me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I love it when tiger just kind of gets all up in her head about this thing she has going with Bill, because goddamn if that ain't relatable eh? My friends and I talk about this a lot, about the differences in the way men and women approach dating or hell, even hitting on someone. And we have come to one main conclusion: men will almost always approach and hit on someone WAY the fuck out of their league, and women seldom will.
I don't know about ya'll, but when I see an insanely attractive guy I just like...shut down. I stare at my feet. I mumble. I blush. I want the ground to open up and swallow me whole--and the last thing on my mind is "yo, I'mma hit on this tall drink of water." Like, I would literally rather pull my own teeth out than hit on a guy that is so ridiculously attractive and so COMPLETELY OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
But dudes? Dudes will see a solid 10 walking down the street and think "Thank god I'm a fucking 14 because that bish is mine." It's actually incredible. Like, it's a scientific phenomenon.
For all the confidence that us women lack, the wrong men seem to have absorbed it all by fucking osmosis.
Fascinating.
ANYWAY. I'll bet tiger feels like that a lot. Bill is just...he's so much, you know? On the surface level there's his insane good looks, his height, the fact that he's a rich motherfucker, and he's famous. All of that weighs on tiger's mind, yes, but then she's even worse off because she knows what's underneath too. A kind, gentle mammoth of a man, the most empathic person she has ever met, someone who is incredibly sensitive and who takes such good care of her, worries over her, tries every day to make her happy. And tiger just...tiger will never understand how she got so lucky.
But then alright, it's time for another friend vacation and this time there are a few new additions. People try not to make a big deal out of it but somehow there always is just a slight check in with Bill--nobody does it outright because god Bill would be mortified and so would everyone else, but there is definitely a few mentions of new people joining the vacation and it gives Bill a chance to back out if he's not comfortable with the idea.
And maybe tiger really does genuinely hit it off with one of the girls. She's a real firecracker, and the exact type of person that tiger respects. She's funny, she's pretty as all hell, she's not afraid to make a bit of a fool of herself to make everyone laugh. This girl eats like a trucker and swears like a sailor, and tiger thinks she's good people. So much so that one night maybe the boys go off and do their own thing, macho bonding or some shit, and tiger and this girl grab some drinks and have some good girl bonding time.
But then it happens. A few drinks in, it happens. And this girl absolutely isn't trying any in vino veritas bullshit, this is really just the first opportunity she's had to drill a little deeper.
"So what's his deal?" she asks. Tiger blinks, sips her drink.
"Who's deal?" she replies. But tiger knows exactly who.
"Bill," she says, "Is he single?"
"Oh, uh," tiger knocks back another big sip of her drink, "...Yeah. Yeah he's single."
Because what is she supposed to say? No, he's taken? Then that would lead to questions about why he's on this vacation alone.
The girl gets a devious smirk, steeples her fingers together--and tiger just wants to hit something, because goddamn this girl is cute. Adorable, even. And when she gives a little whoop and a dorky fistpump, tiger feels her stomach drop to the floor--not because she's after Bill, no no, even worse--because she's actually just so perfect for him.
"Diiiiiiibs," the girl says, "Man I've been eyeing that tall drink of water all trip."
"Ha, yeah," tiger stammers awkwardly and downs the rest of her drink, "He's a handsome one."
"Are you cool with it?" the girl asks, and actually places a concerned hand on tiger's knee, "I don't want to...come between anything. If there is anything." Dis bitch is cute as a button and kind. Fuck.
Tiger gives a casual shrug.
"Why wouldn't I be cool with it?" she says, "I....don't have any claim to him."
"Would it be weird for you?"
"Go for it," she mumbles.
And tiger wants to tell this girl to back off, that Bill is claimed, and that Bill is being claimed every goddamn night of this vacation to the point where his back jammed on him again and tiger had to ice it down this morning. But she can't say any of that--and in true tiger fashion, she just gets a little sad about it. Anger and ferocious defensiveness for Bill would be her first reaction if this girl was a real fucking idiot, but god she's just....she's so nice.
"Okay, okay okay okay," the girl smoothes her hair down, starts to look real serious, "Help a bitch out. What should I do?"
And poor tiger, tiger has to sit there the whole night while this girl actually schemes to get her claws into Bill. And tiger is almost forced to help.
She retreats back to her own room that night, nauseated, sad, and with raw emotions bubbling to the surface. And bless your heart sweet nani, bless your heart for knowing mine so well--because the shining moon absolutely gets to her, the call of the crashing waves. Tiger sits out on her balcony for a bit but she just cries. Just lets it all overwhelm her, lets herself feel every emotion she tried to reel in that night as she helped give a girl tips on how to get Bill. And when she's too exhausted, when it's all just too much--she goes to bed. She misses the text messages from Bill--doesn't even look at her phone, actually. Just curls up in Sad Girl form, all balled in on herself, and falls asleep.
And Bill thinks it's pretty strange that she's not responding, and it's even more strange that she didn't let herself into his room which they had agreed would be their place of rendezvous that night. So instead, he does a quick check of the hallways and then Pink Panther's his lanky ass against the wall before deftly swiping his key card in her door and opening it.
And that's exactly how he finds her, cheeks still wet, her own thumb in her mouth, all curled in on herself. Concerned, he traces a gentle finger down her cheek and she stirs.
"Tiger," he crouches down to be eye level with her, "What's wrong?"
She blinks sleepily, bristles a little, and swipes at her cheeks.
"Nothing," she croaks. Her throat is dry from crying, and she winces.
He doesn't say anything. Just brushes his thumbs across her cheeks, keeping her face in his hands.
"Tiger," he says sternly, "We have rules."
"Yellow," she says immediately, "I don't...I don't want--"
"Okay," he soothes, running his hands up her arms, "We won't. But tiger, can you tell me what's wrong?"
"Bill, it's nothing. Let's just go to sleep."
But like, she's cracking. There are fresh tears rolling down her cheeks now, and Bill knows she needs to let something out.
"It's me kid," he says softly, "You can tell me anything."
And like, tiger cracks. It opens the floodgates. She tells him everything--the entire conversation, every little detail of it. When she works herself up too much at some points, when he starts to hear a wheeze in her breath, he puts a steadying hand on her knee to help ground her. But she lets it all out--every detail, everything this girl said about him, everything tiger told her. She's full on crying again by the end, but Bill just listens. He listens, and he waits.
And you know what I love here, nani? God it's so important. Bill doesn't tell her she's nuts. Doesn't tell her she's foolish for ever thinking he wanted anyone but her. Because that's not what will get through to her. Instead, just like he always does--he loves her and reassures her in the way that she needs, in the way that she can recognize in that moment.
He waits as she pauses, waits to see if she'll continue, but she doesn't.
"Are you done?" he asks quietly. She nods.
"Can I say something now?" he ducks to catch her gaze, and she nods again. He pulls her into his lap.
"Tiger, it's you," he says simply, "It's you kid. Only, and always."
She sniffles, and he kisses her nose.
"Everybody else can try as much as they want. They can give it their best shot. It won't matter," he continues, "It's you, kid."
Ugh, my fucking heart. It gives her the reassurance that she needs. And listen, over the next few days, Bill finds little ways to reinforce that. Maybe this girl does take a shot at him--and he politely, gently shoots her down. Maybe when tiger is feeling ready for it, man he gives it to her so good that she has to stay in bed the next day, because she's walking funny. It's his secret glances, his small winks, his hand on her knee under the table, rising just a liiiiiiiittle high under the safety of the dark night club.
It's everything she needs, in the way that she needs it.
this ask was a gift nani, thank you.
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The Titans are almost back, bitches. aka 3x06
Guys, literally every time the titans are together-or even paired up-the episode gets ten times better, but in 6 episodes there is simply not enough Kory and Gar. I can easily forget that when I’m basking in the episode they are in, especially when they’re giving us family dynamics.
Kory:
“You’re not mad that I left. You’re mad I came back.” Kory’s face tells us Blackfire is right on the money, and who would know her better than her sister?
So, Kory, oh boy. Our girl is on edge. She is slowly unraveling and is super vulnerable and raw with Kom around and little sister is going to exploit it and her guilt, which I think she’s carrying a lot of. So far their dynamic has been fascinating because there’s so much to read between them and so many accusations being flung back and forth, from both. From Kory; you sense guilt and even contempt and from Kom there’s envy and resentment, but also there’s a sense of idealization for her older sister, too, which of course, with younger siblings, there always is an element of that. And as an older sibling, there is always an unspoken and sometimes spoken responsibility placed on them for their younger siblings. Parents often don’t realize it, but they can create a lot of tension within siblingships by assigning roles.
They remember home and family very differently, which is often the case, too. Kom was often thrown in the pit and to that, Kory attributes her sister’s constant rebellion as the reason, and yet, Kory herself was a bit of a rule breaker, sleeping with her guard, Fiddei.
Kory was being suffocated by the laws and customs of her home planet; one could say she rebelled by going on a mission, to escape her duties. Home did neither of them any favors because while one rebelled because she did not fit in, the one who did fit in was dying inside, surrounded by little robots and becoming one herself. Being told what to eat, wear and who to love or be friends with is yikes.
I was thinking Kom began her game of manipulation in the bunker, but she really started before that when she sent Fiddei to bring Kory home when she probably intended to kill him all along. After all she would’ve castrated him if she’d had the chance to for sleeping with Kory in the first place. Shortly after Fiddei’s death, Kory flamed out. No powers. Emotionally wrung out from the news her family was dead and now the culprit is here. These two know each other very well and know exactly how to get underneath each other’s skin. Right now Kom is getting underneath Kory’s and our girl is losing patience fast.
I’m wondering when exactly Dick will tune into Kory’s anxiety-ridden state and step in to support.
Ultimately, I just want to see what truly happened to the girls on their planet and how we have the versions we have now. Like, Kory said to Rachel, “No one is born good or bad, we are defined by our choices.” I get the feeling Kory has given Kom so many chances to make a different choice and has become disillusioned, meanwhile Kom believes nothing she does will give her the respect she feels she deserves anyway, so she may as well blow shit up, figuratively and literally. At least then she’ll have Kory’s attention.
Gar:
Gar losing it on Dick was so cathartic and yet he could’ve gone much further, considering Dick abandoned him last season to go jail and hallucinate Bruce. It ultimately led to Gar (and Conner) being kidnapped and experimented on by Mercy. It’s actually all the adults fault this happened, but as the leader promoting his family everywhere he goes, he needs to keep his eye on the ball. He would know if he spent five minutes at home with them that Gar is struggling. Last season Gar was #OperationSaveTitans and this season he’s #ThisFamilyIsDying. He’s doing what the adults should be doing, or at least leading the charge on it. He’s the glue, but who will hold him together?
He’s carrying too much emotional responsibility and Dick’s dismissal, because he is fully locked into Gotham and being Batman, makes me mad. Get your head in the game, Grayson. Gotham is going to eat your family while you retread the nostalgic steps of your past.
We all know Dick’s not good at expressing himself emotionally, though he’s usually forced to express something when talking to or being confronted by Kory, so I was proud of him for giving Gar the floor to speak. I just wish Gar spoke about himself, but then again, he needs more time and consistent offers to be heard. I’m happy Dick followed up the conversation up with a bonding/training session. There was definitely pride in Dick’s face because Gar really has come a long way in this group, but he needs MORE SCREEN TIME. I’d like to see the two of them out in the field together the way we’ve seen Kory this season with Gar and Conner.
I wonder if Gar losing control is the start of all his trauma bubbling up to the surface, will being in Gotham, hunting down a friend be too much?
As a side, has the CGI tiger face gotten worse?
Kom (and Conner):
First thing’s first, what music are we thinking Kom listens to? Probably the kind of music she can break your tailbone to, like, Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole and Jay Z, or Prince, Jimmy Hendrix, Stevie Nicks and Led Zeppelin? Rihanna?
Kom is absolutely a villain this season and if she isn’t, what a waste that’ll be. A mastermind at mind games (see, her picking up the chess piece), who is going to drum up Kory’s paranoia and anxiety around her being there. Trying to kill her suspicion by guilt tripping her while simultaneously being a do good-er to the group, feigning interest in helping the Titans to earn her way in, a tip from our boy, Conner.
She says she wants acceptance and I believe that’s absolutely true, but she doesn’t know how to get that without using power, so she’ll continue to covet acceptance through and with power because according to Kory, she’s always been a climber. Add to that, being born the cursed child and the only royal member born without the gift of fire, something that differentiates them from the common folk, being too frail to participate in the same games as Kory, having a speech therapist be her only friend while being the object of ridicule and you have a villain origin story nicely set up.
I really enjoyed Conner and Kom’s exchange. The boy lit up when he spoke about seeing his family happy and it made me light up. He’s so genuine and has a big heart and Kom is going to take advantage of it, that’s not to say she won’t develop real feelings for him, but she can like him and still use him.
Conner’s “you have to earn your way into the family,” is perhaps an internal and personal struggle he has from sharing blood with Luthor. I think it may come from an insecure place because he was made a titan as soon as he woke up and no one questioned it, but as he’s only half of superman, he’s constantly trying to prove his usefulness for good, which losing Hank has rocked, leaving him vulnerable to Kom’s recognition for his otherness. Their otherness.
She gave us insight into her mind, but also she has likely seized an opportunity to use the vulnerability against Conner and to her favor by making him her kindred. Outcasts. Will she gain influence over him? He’s still young and learning, and trusting, too.
Her interest in him felt layered, ignoring the ugly customs of sex servants, she was also observing Kory’s relationships and ranking them in her sister’s life. Her being able to determine who may have Kory’s interest (which Kory gave away with her vulnerable display of worry over Dick’s welfare in front of Kom) will surely come into play at some point, right? After all, Kom did kill Kory’s last lover/royal guard. This may be me projecting. LOL.
Romantically, I’m waiting to see how they play it before I decide if I like it or not, but so far, they have a nice chemistry. Friendly.
Dick (and Barbara) :
What a lovable dumb ass.
I was so happy Kory lost it on him and called him on his lone ranger shit, at least when it’s her, even when he’s being an idiot, he’s still listening. “Let’s go.” and I thought it was hilarious that he tried explaining himself, but when Gar called him out, he got all huffy with, “Excuse me, young man.”
Gar asking Kory not to have words with Barbara over Dick getting shot was so funny because Dick’s face seemed to ask the same when she asked how it happened. We love a protective Kory. I’ll be looking at him when it’s his turn to reciprocate.
I don’t like him dismissing their concerns about his personal safety and how it affects them, it’s like he’s learned nothing after running off alone to battle Trigon, or rather has unlearned his lessons of S2. I’d like to see some more permanent emotional growth from him by this season’s end. In his current state, he’s not an exuding leader. He can’t be when he’s still wrapped up in Bruce and all things Gotham. He’s not tuned into Kory’s anxiety, or Conner’s grief and insecurity, or Gar’s emotional burden.
He’s started making it up to him, but he has much to do in taking Gar’s concerns and emotional needs seriously.
I’m not even going to try and work out the timeline between Barbara and Dick and Dick and old Titans in San Fran and S1. But it doesn’t bode well that Dick’s dream with Barbara ended in a nightmare.
I wish they’d never did the whole Dick and Dawn relationship in S2 because they’re basically repeating some of the beats in showing us how they don’t work as a couple, only his relationship with Babs makes a lot more sense even though I don't care. Dick has unfinished business with that relationship, Bruce and Gotham and I can only hope he’s wrapped it up for good by this season’s end. I want to see relaxed, smiling and happy Dick in THE PRESENT. I still Babs will be the one to notice and point out Dick's feelings for Kory.
Barbara (outside of Dick) is being downplayed a little, no? Dismissing Dick’s suspicions about Jason when he arrived, showing no knowledge of Jason’s visits to Crane and then taking the bait and moving Crane after he got a light beat down. A commissioner who was also a very capable vigilante is tricked by a recording and goes to meet “Bruce” on her own. I really enjoyed that she could hold her own and the fight scene was really good, but it was a bit baffling that she fell for that ruse. So far, she’s not entirely good at her job.
Dick’s a distraction in his own right and her feelings clearly get in the way, which is why she keeps asking him to leave the precinct and Gotham; because she’s pining a fantasy and he’s ruining it. Lastly, I really like the way Savannah plays Barbara.
Why’d they do that to Tim?? :(
Overall, it was a better episode and I enjoyed it more than latter episodes, but they’re not quite there yet for me. I’m still waiting for Team Titans.
#dc titans#kory anders#koriand'r#stafire#gar logan#beast boy#dick grayson#nightwing#conner kent#superboy#noa posts
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2020 fics
Back in 2019 when I first came back to writing fic after a couple years break, I made a list with all the fics I’d written that year, so I figured I’d make one for my 2020 fics too! While in other aspects 2020 wasn’t a great year, I do think I did pretty well writing-wise. I wrote eight fics, as well as some smaller ficlets that I only posted here on my tumblr. All of them were Captive Prince fics like last year, because I still can’t let these books or its characters go. I really love all of the fics I wrote, and the response to them was great as well. I really want to thank everyone who left me kudos or comments on AO3, or liked, replied, or reblogged my posts here on tumblr. It always makes me so happy when someone finds a way to let me know that they enjoyed my writing, so thank you! 💖 Below, I’ve listed all of the fics with links to AO3 and/or tumblr. I’ve included summary, rating, word count, and the most important tags. If you wanna know more about them, you can find it in the tags or author’s notes on AO3, or you can send me a message.
Our Unconventional Courtship [AO3] [Tumblr: One, Two, Three]
Rating: G, Word Count: 2089, Tags: Prank War AU
When Damen finds Auguste in the grocery store, he decides that this is the perfect moment to get back at him for the prank he pulled on Damen. Everything goes exactly as Damen planned. Everything except for the fact that the person whose shoes are now covered in raw eggs wasn’t Auguste at all, and that instead Damen now finds himself staring at the most beautiful man he has ever seen. He doesn’t know yet that the man turns out to be Auguste’s little brother Laurent, nor that this will be the beginning of a prank war between them that partially serves to disguise their flirting.
The Truth About Our Marriage [AO3] [Tumblr]
Rating: Not Rated, Word Count: 733, Tags: Oversharing College Professors AU
It was busy at the faculty drinks, much more so than usually. But the news was that Professor Damen might be bringing his sweetheart of a husband with him if they were able to find a babysitter to watch their two children, and Professor Laurent was bringing his husband who he once spent seven hours in bed with.
When their students finally meet their respective husbands, they're in for a surprise.
what never was and never will be [AO3]
Rating: Teen, Word Count: 2433, Tags: Soulmate AU, Warnings: Major Character Death, References to Canon-Typical Themes
As Damianos is whipped in front of him, Laurent can feel his own chest start to bruise. There seems to be some heavy object pressing against it from the inside that is trying but failing to reach out to Damianos. At the same time, neverwere memories are flashing in front of his eyes, showing him a fated life involving both Laurent and Damianos that will no longer come to pass.
Both of these things should not be possible. Not unless Damianos was dying in front of him. More importantly, it would require Damianos to be Laurent’s soulmate.
The Downsides of Having a Teenage Baby Brother [AO3] [Tumblr: One, Two]
Rating: Teen, Word Count: 1841, Tags: Modern AU, Sex Ed
When Auguste first learned that Laurent had found himself a boyfriend, he was overjoyed. But his joy had been quick to turn to dread the moment he realized that teenagers possessed more hormones than sense.
//
Kastor hadn’t come home for the weekend to deal with Damen and his new boyfriend, but he also didn’t want both of their moms and their dad to be disappointed in him.
Of Soulmates, Books, and Spilled Guacamole [AO3]
Rating: Teen, Word Count: 4131, Tags: Modern AU, Soulmate AU
“You are my soulmate?”
Damen had read those very same words countless of times on his arm and imagined countless of ways they might be said, but he had never thought they would be paired with such disdain.
Or, The first time Damen and Laurent talk is when Damen is over at Auguste’s to watch the game with their friends. Auguste had specifically told them all to stay away from Laurent, who hated drunk people, but Damen just bumped into him in the kitchen, fell on top of him, and spilled all of the guacamole he’d been holding onto both of them as well as the book Laurent had been carrying.
Your Breath in My Lungs [AO3] [Tumblr]
Rating: Not Rated, Word Count: 1073, Tags: Post-Canon
Damen has a nightmare while he is still recovering from his wound, and wakes up with a panic attack. Laurent helps him through it.
Fascinating Reports [AO3]
Rating: Explicit, Word Count: 1356, Tags: PWP
Damen pressed a kiss against the skin right behind Laurent’s ear. “We could do something a lot more interesting than reading reports.” He pulled Laurent’s earlobe into his mouth, softly worried it between his teeth.
“You sound very sure of yourself, but I must say I have my doubts. These reports are very riveting, and I’m not certain your cock would compare well.”
Damen huffed out a breath. “Well,” he said, “if you come with me, I could prove to you that it does.”
Or, Damen tries his best to get Laurent’s attention, while Laurent is ignoring him in favor of some very fascinating reports.
Not Like the Other Blonds [AO3]
Rating: G, Word Count: 1335, Tags: Modern AU, Nurse!Auguste
If Damen ever found out, he would never let Nikandros live it down that he had fallen in love with a blond. Not after Nikandros had complained about Damen’s type for as long as they’d known each other. However, Auguste was nothing like the blonds Damen always fell in love with. Auguste was funny. Auguste was sensible. Auguste was not a bitch. And Auguste had already met the love of his life.
Ficlets
I also wrote some short ficlets here on tumblr that I haven’t cross posted to AO3. You can find those in my tag #ficlet or in my tag #my writing
#captive prince#my writing#mine#i know the secret santa fic only got revealed in the new year#but the event was held for christmas 2020#and i wrote it in 2020 too#so im counting it as one of my 2020 fics
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RATING! ALL! THE CHAR CLONES!
i love char and gundam loves him too so because i am BORED i'm gonna rate all characters that the wiki tells me qualifies as a char clone!
many of these men will be rated on aesthetics and their wiki blurb alone since i have not watched all gundams
i tried to include pics but it SAID i can only use ten. WHAT? how am i supposed to rate how sexy they are?
Char Aznable
the man. the myth. the legend. i love him so much. hes super fucking hot bc of how bad he is. like an absolute madlad he goes around destroying the zabis and giving amuro hell. hes so good that despite being on team evil he regularly tops popularity polls and is widely regarded as being super attractive. im asexual but i agree. char is supreme. he and his red mobile suits cannot be topped. 20/10
Quattro Bajeena
now, char might be evil, but this guy is totally a stand up dude who is definitely not char. and the hyaku shiki? top tier. also very sexy. maybe char should take a lesson or two from this lovely man. 18/10 could not possibly be char himself
Glemy Toto
i have not watched ZZ. this dude upholds the tradition of stupid ass names in gundam. he just kinda look like hes a good person, though, which would be nice, but i prefer the evil men here. 6/10 love the idiotic name
Afranche Char
apparently a literal char clone. don't give a fuck. 1/10
Carozzo Ronah/Iron Mask
this guy really takes the mask thing seriously. i have also not watched F91. i love the just robot lookin mask and the purple color scheme. 8/10
Anavel Gato
this guy is kind of a chump. i get the feeling i'm supposed to find gato very cool, but all i could see was a total loser pushover as long as it was in the name of zeon. although to be fair, he was basically one of the most enjoyable characters in the mess that is stardust memory. 7/10 too much of a zeon apologist
Chronicle Asher
i called gato a chump but this guy looks like a tool. hes got the mask! i know nothing about victory gundam but this guy looks like, okay. 5/10
Schwarz Bruder
im ignoring the other guy listed with him on the wiki bc Herr Bruder is in fact, awesome. he isn't on team evil like some others, but he doesn't need to be. hes a JESTER NINJA. what's not to love? somehow, despite me thinking i knew the twist that was coming, he was still full of surprises. you cannot possibly predict the actual twist here. he really teaches domon how to get shit done. 15/10 absolutely sublime take on the trope
Zechs Marquise
not only is he voiced by takehito koyasu, but he chars so hard he chars three times as fast! we LOVE his dedication to being a char clone. i will never forget how treize challenged him to a fair fight and he was just like nah lmao. you go you stinky man! 10/10 for char-ing hard
Lancerow Dawell and Jamil Neate
i am fascinated by after war X and i'll watch it one day. it seems like the wiki is confused about these two and is going with very surface level details for these two being char clones. however i'll rate them both higher bc i think mr. neate's sideburns and glasses are just top tier character design. 9/10
Harry Ord
10/10
Rau le Creuset
i think i saw him in the like three episodes of SEED i watched. he definitely looks the part. seems kinda lame though. 6/10
Athrun Zala
this kid is hilarious, and also the most likable character i met in SEED, and he even has a quattro phase as he goes by alex dino! we'll give him points for effort. 9/10 you tried
Neo Roanoke
definitely not mu la flaga. hes also voiced by takehito koyasu. his mask looks kinda dumb, but i think the long hair look upgrades my man mu. takehito koyasu makes everything sexier. 8/10 bc i also simp for dio brando
Rey Za Burrel
how many char clones does the SEEDverse have? i do appreciate rey's early 2000s brooding anime boy look, though. 5/10
Gilbert Durandal
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY SEED CHARS!!! this guy doesn't even look like a char clone, but he has the same voice actor and also apparently tries to drop shit on earth. we stan a king, honestly. 6/10 being in SEED deducts points
Hal Vizardt and Vladi Zarth
the wiki wont even give me a picture of these guys. 2/10 they get a point each
Ali Al-Saachez
i hate this guy. he sucks. normally i would find such endless villainy entertaining, but ali simply cannot work it in a way that's fun to watch or even in a way where you're like 'he's got a point.' he just sucks and i wish he could have been funny. we already have a char clone in graham anyway, so why are you here? bitch. 0/10 i was waiting for him to die
Graham Aker
he has all the tropes of being a char clone, and i loved him at first bc of his flair for drama and poetry, but alas! he got more and more sidelined for a different motherfucker. it's okay graham, i still love you! your mr. bushido phase was hilarious! 9/10 you deserved so much more
Full Frontal
hes getting points for the hilarious name but thats it. he is otherwise very boring. you cannot make me love a man just bc he is a literal char clone. 3/10
Zeheart Galette
AGE is also on my "deeply fascinated" list. eventually, eventually. i kinda dig this one's look. 7/10
Tatsuya Yuuki
initially, i hated yuuki bc i thought he was beating on middle schoolers for fun, but then i learned the dude is so goddamn passionate about gundam that he HAS to share it with others and honestly? king shit. while he's technically a char clone, i think he's actually a graham aker clone. the dude stans 00. an admirable position to be in. i love yuuki so much and hes my favorite build fighters character. 15/10 i will always respect the meijin
Captain Mask
the name is hilarious. hes got a cool mask too. i'll maybe watch recon one day bc of how ridiculous the reputation is. 8/10
Lady Kawaguchi
the rare female one, and proves that the kawaguchi name requires you to be extra as fuck. compared to yuuki's raw passion, she's cool and knows it, and doesn't need to flex. sadly doesn't get to do a lot. 10/10
McGillis Fareed
MCGILLIS MY BELOVED!!!! perhaps the only char clone that matters. this dude brings back the classic level of backstabbing, the supreme attractiveness, and in general, being an awful person. but i can't help but feel for the guy. he was trying his goddamn hardest to overturn a fucked up system. he also simply could not fathom having friends. mcgillis might only do the mask thing for a little and also wears a wig (McWiggis) but i forgive him, because the moves he does in bael are truly sexy. i adore mcgillis i have to rate him high but he cannot overtake the classic. 19/10 would let him betray me
Kyoya Kujo
even the wiki doesn't seem confident in this one. i like his look though. hes kinda got some gentle eyes, so i will assume he's the more quattro flavor of things. 6/10
Masaki Shido
BRUHHHH HE LOOKS LIKE A KNIGHT. 10/10
Honorable Mentions:
Master Asia
i didn't think he truly qualified as a char clone. he hits the villain thing and technically has some ideals aligned with char ? but he's a little too different. lacks majority of the archetype tropes. i still love him though 9/10
Vidar
hes got a mask and wants revenge. definitely not gaelio. the problem is, we already have mcgillis in IBO. i just don't register gaelio as being a char clone, because mcgillis is out here being the worst. gaelio is a wonderful character in his own right for all the opposite reasons that mcgillis is fantastic for being the worst. 10/10 i want nothing but the best for him
Ulube Ishikawa
just bc he has a mask covering half his face and is evil doesn't mean he's a char clone, wiki! and how dare you take away from schwarz just to be like "well ulube has a mask" WE HAVE ONE ALREADY!!! i also hate ulube. he is not a particularly charismatic character, but he isn't supposed to be. 2/10
and thus is my arbitrary ranking of the char clones. some people think char clones are bad. i for one, love them! i hope future entries have more masked men.
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your opinions on each of the post team silent games and a rating out of 10. hand 'em over
YEAHHHHHH FINALLY CATERING TO ME!!!
Uh really long post oops. for reference, my rating for the first 4 sh's are as follows
Sh1: 9/10 Sh2: 7/10 Sh3: 9/10 Sh4: 9.5/10
Silent Hill 0/Origins
overall score: 7/10
Alot of the games issues can of course be attributed to it being a psp game, and while i won't excuse everything bc of that, j have to be honest and say I think it had so much potential as a (very) late ps2 game. Not to mention, the game ON THE PSP functions as it should. (The ps2 port does fucking not tho..oops) ans you'll see that this is...a rarity post team silent.
The story has alot of potential, Travis as a character is interesting and sympathetic and j think his dynamic with alessa js super fascinating to dig into, both of them being abused children and there was alot of intrigue regarding his powers, the game feels like a smaller more watered down she, and for that I can't fault it too much. The weapons system isn't my favorite but the combat itself is reminiscent of 1 and 2 and I really like a good chunk of the monster design, there was clearly thought and care put into it, nurses and strughtjackets/lying figures be dammed. The unlockables are pretty cool though and alot of the environments look pretty cool for a psp game, hell i LOVE the theater level its super unique, I would love to see it in (actually functional) better graphics. I also think the puzzles are pretty solid, not hair pulling like sh1 even if they're not quite as clever as say sh3.
My biggest criticisms come from the reuse of sh1 characters (just alessa and Travis would've been fine, maybe dahlia and some more org characters would've been better) the bad ending being straight up bad writing. Not to mention they did the sh3 thing of "kill too many monsters and get the bad ending" which is...stupid. The foreshadowing of the butcher being? He's just kinda there, I like the lead up but it would be more interesting if the butcher represented something from those years between Travis' father dying and him being an adult. And while there's more replayability imo than sh2, it doesn't have difficulty sliders and that makes it kinda hard to come back to quite as often. Not to mention unlike sh1, 3or sh4 there's not as much horror focus and random events.
Overall, solid game its fun to play, very silent Hill and if you're willing to look past a few continuity errors and accept its a little different and slightly derrivitive at the same time, I like to say I had alot of fun with it and still do. (Maybe I just like Travis alot...idk)
Silent Hill: Homecoming
Overall score: 6/10
Once again most of the issues here are gonna be corporate fuck ups, but I'm also not gonna beat around the bush, this game isn't like...good. its bad actually. "But you gave it a 6/10?" Yeah bc its not NEARLY as bad as some other games I've.. experienced.
The negatives here are, many and vast, so let's run them down. Firstly the games performance is janky on console (ps3 at least) and abysmal/unplayable on PC, what with framerate issues that are detrimental to game play on pc and make the third boss impossible. That said on console it is completable and not even too terrible...usually. Scarletts boss fight however is terribly unbalanced and broken on all skews so :/. The combat is...functional but not anyone's favorite, it's difficult to use any actually strong weapon and you can pretty much strong arm ur ways through shit with just the knife (except scarletts first form..don't try it, it won't work) for some people this will be borening (not my opinion but w/e). Most of The puzzles...leave alot to be desired. I hate sliding block puzzles. Also no run button? At all?? No easy mode? Ok... also what is this.. wheel design for the inventory...im accidentally using my serum..what is serum also? And why is the item pickup noise like...bass boosted.
The character models look awful most of the time, and comically unfinished other times, some human models are just grotesque, (judge halloway, Adam shepherd, mayor Bartlett. .you get it) and yes...there are sexy nurses. Bc of course there are. (Whole ass out???) They did straight up have some terrible endings for this game (ph ending for one, the way you get the ufo? Hell the ufo ending is kinda boring. I like the in water ending here too but. Yeah.) the story has some, problems. To say the least.
However, while the performance is bad its not the worst I've played (on the ps3 once again..unplayable on pc) and I hardly noticed the framerate when I was just running around, I personally found the combat kinda fun, between trying to dodge accurately and still attack and not use all my health items (bc those and ammo are actually rare! Unlike some games...) it is kind of a challenge and reminds me of a much worse sh4. And hey, the health items both heal an understandable amount of health that i can easily read with a bar (unlike 1-3) and they're not a complete joke (unlike sh4...) i find the exploration really fun and sure the characters look shit but the environments are Fucking great. The church is one of my fav sections, short as jt might be and yes it stole the confessional scene but its pretty well written and acted I think. The monster design is pretty fucking rad too honestly, I like the schism, siam, I like the DESIGN of the needlers even if they make me so mad to fight, and hey the nurses and ph don't show up that much to be too aggregious. The boss monsters are also fantastic design wise, very unsettling and the boss rooms are interesting as well.
The story has problems but it also has alot of potential, the concept of people sacrificing ther children for silent Hill and being overcome by their own pain and guilt is pretty fucking cool, and alex is a good character they did a good job of giving him personality, ppl bitch about him being a soldier but a) he's not and b) soldiers are people too, and a sh game that could tackle toxic masculinity, be critical of the military, and also tackle abusive religeious parents is pretty intriguing, not to mentions themes of brotherly love that's complicated bc of how they clearly favored Josh . Sure, it misses the mark, but I like taking the potential and thinking about it bc its compelling to me. And like I said, i like alex alot.
Overall, bad game yes, but not the worst as it has enough good for me to honestly really enjoy it, besides it is pretty funny when it is bad. Don't play the pc port tho
Silent Hill Shattered Memories
Overall Score: 8/10
Unpopular opinion im sure but honestly? I find this game ALMOST on par with the team silent games. Its really that good, yes its a wii game, so this is my score taking into account the motion controls BTW.
For the good, man where do i start. Its BEAUTIFUL for a wii game and esp for a post team silent game, the graphics are nice and Constsitent, the environments are pretty and it has a pretty nice cold color pallet to contrast the warmer tones the series tends to skew towards. The acting and intrgrige are all on point and the WRITING is fantastic, its one of those games you play the first time not knowing the twist and play the second time picking up more and more clues and things that strengthen that twist so much more. Like sh2 its a simple story told in such a clever and interesting way that you'll probably be too invested to put it down, I beat it in one sitting in 6 hours bc i was so engrossed in the narrative. And the Puzzles man! The puzzles are phenomenal and fun to accomplish and there's even a little bit of variety in a few places on repeat playthroughs. The level of detail in this game is insane really, the things that change with the different psychology answers are pretty cool too and tho it all plays out relatively the same its still fun to see the different things you can get to happen. The gimmicks like the phone as an object, taking pictures, sneaking and zooming in, they're not too intrusive as to take away from the exploration or other game play but not completely useless and have some pretty fun Easter eggs too. The game plays sort of like a worse outlast with good puzzles and for that I do have to commend it. Oh and the fucking MUSIC is INCREDIBLE idk something ab this soundtrack has alot of heart put into it clearly.
Now, it's not perfect. The thing is, it is a WORSE outlast type game, in the running and hiding sense but well, the hiding is completely useless, its a run away game, which is ok, but I understand that people aren't gonna be a big fan of that when silent Hill has always balanced combat ad puzzles and exploration. The running segments are..aggravating, mostly bc its hard to figure out where to go, not to mention using motion controls that don't like to work half the time to fight the monsters off of you. Also, the monsters are not scarey in the slightest and the raw shock scream is actually enragaging if you've died one to many times, there's also...not really any penalty for dying. And once you're out for these running segments,there's no danger, no monsters, nothing to hide from despite having a hiding mechanic. Its not really a horror game more of a psycological thriller and I understand that the fact that its not horror can be disappointing. The psychology things might be a bit overhyped And yeah fine, the wii foreplay scene...well yeah its weird but it IS also funny as fuck.
That said, there's still alot thats good and alot thas unfair criticism lobbed at this game. Harry didn't have much of a personality in sh1 bc he's a ps1 character and sm really fleshed him out well, not to mention giving cybil some nice characterization, and they did some interesting things with dahlia and kaufmann. And Lisa.. well I'm gonna be honest I never found Lisa all that interesting in sh1..so it doesn't bother me that she's the way she is in this game. I know people hate the "horny" aspect of it but to be completely fair, YOU choose to make the game that way, don't answer in a sexual manner or look at boobs or anything else and you won't have an overly sexual game, its...literally that easy. Its given as an option for the play id they want to go for what is arguably another joke ending. (You cannot tell me sleeze and sirens is meant to be a real serious ending to the game. Cmon) and you can complain about the innacuuracies if you want but its a spin off, a retelling of the original game. Its not canon, and it didn't change the original game. It just took the ideas presented there and made them more human and lest fantastical, there's some supernatural elements but it takes a backseat to the human moments. And its honestly really cool.
Overall, great game, i reccomend it if you don't mind some slight jank with the motion controls and honestly? Look up directions on where to go for the running segments and you'll have a pretty good time overall.
Silent Hill Downpour
Overall score (so far): 7.5/10 *to be noted i haven't finished actually playing it yet but I know the basic plot and some of the details so I doubt it'll change
And so for the final silent Hill Game, I have to say, i don't think it deserves NEARLY the hatred it gets, there's alot about it that i find really cool and even fun and I think its a solid entry, a little better than origins in some parts and its downsides are both unfortunate and once again, mostly Konami's fault . That said, I'm also not gonna kid and say its a good game, just that I like it alot and we should be nicer to the last silent Hill game were probably ever gonna get.
Downpour has a pretty good, original story overall, there's alot to it, alot of intricacies and intrigue to it that honestly make it a pretty sold silent Hill game. Its different enough from the others to stand out but not super far removed from its themes and messages. I like that it doesn't try and lean into the cult aspect and tries to do something else with it, it doesn't try to explain silent Hill, but just use it to torment the characters, as it should be. There's tragedy ad human feelings here and some of them aren't the most...sensitive but they are pretty reasonable reactions id say. Playing as someone who's odds are stacked against him from the beginning as he's a prisoner is a cool way to open the game, someone convicted and you must discover if he is a good person or not. Themes of revenge explored more than in sh3 which is pretty cool. The environments look pretty nice, and i like the look of the otherworld, once again being unique with its cooler color pallet, but without the ice so it really feels like its own thing. The EXPLORATION is awesome with an actual open world which I think works well, there's alot to do in town (unlike sh1 and 0 on limiting hardware and 2 which just pretends you can explore to town but you cant) there's alot for cool little stories and sidequests to do, my favorite so far being the cinema (which has a section of ACTUAL fixed cameras like old Resident evils which is smth SH has never done and its super fucking cool!) And all the sidequess help strengthen murphy as a cheacter and argue for his innocence or complexites. The weapons system is pretty cool, picking up items and attacking with whatever you might find, finding cool Easter eggs with exploration and having fun noticing things. And it does honestly have the strongest side characters outside of SM. The puzzles are pretty solid and fun to figure out with some cool mechanics and the seperate difficulties is a great thing to bring back (actually done well like sh3) I also kind of like the method of triggering the night world/rain/monsters, and silent Hill really feels likes its constantly punishing Murphy, as it should. The music might not be Akira but its still pretty damn good, and fuck yall I like the Korn song, and you CAN press start and skip it yknow. (Thx tomm hewlit)
The negtitives tho, well they are there. For one it has the worst performance of any sh game outside of pc homecoming and like...the hd collection, the framerate like to shit itself alot lmao, its not usually detrimental bc I've played re2r with similar framerates but, yeah its not great. Not to mention while the models look better than hc they don't animate well or often at all, and the game has trouble loading in the models as fast as they should. The sound mixing could use...some work too, poor murph sounds like he's eating the mic. While I find the games exploration really fun, murphy also has the issue of not running very fast so it can be a little annoying to get back to a place you want to be when you can't run that fast, not to mention the loading times. The monster design is def the worst in the series, maybe on par w SM. Which is disappointing bc there's some pretty good moments here and there, but not nearly enough to make it scary and there's so much you can do with monsters with this premise. Also, the running sections in the otherworld are better than SM ad even more engaging than the brief ones in 2 and 3, but still, I'd prefer to do puzzles or fight a boss or smth. I will also say, the endings are, iffy while the main 2 endings are really good and Anne's bad ending as well as the joke ending are great, murphys bad endings are weird and ooc for the muphy you come to know in the game (even more so than Origins) plus, idk that the writers knew all that much about prison andbprison culture, nobody in a real prison would be mad ab Murphy killing a pedo (there's some racist implications here and there too which is. Unfortunate and disappointing. I like Howard and Robbie but they are a bit tropey, esp Howard) that said Anne is a compelling albeit unlikable character and thas pretty cool to see pulled off.
Overall, while it has downsides, I don't think Downpour is worthy of all the scorn it gets, this can have problems and you can point them out without disregarding the good parts and while it is unfortunate it doesn't run better and have some extras and didn't handle some things great, I still think its worth a playthrough, esp if you go out of your way to do the sidequests.
Bonus round
Book of memories is not a game I intend to play bc I don't wanna get a vita and can't imagine I'm missing much. It doesn't look bad pwr say but I'm not interested tbh
Fuck PT. :)
#entries#silent hill#long post#thank u thank you#ill try tk put a cut in here at some poitn hold on srry
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Music Shill of the Day: "JUDAS" by Lord of the Lost
PART 2 of 2: "SALVATION"
Welcome back to part 2 of me shilling the fuck out of Judas and telling you, the lucky reader, of why it's so great. If you didn't see part 1, here's a link. Beware, it's long as fuck.
LINKS TO ALL SONGS WILL BE PROVIDED. All songs will be rated on a scale of 1-10; 1 - garbage. Horrible. Why did you let this leave the studio. 5 - average. Meh. Not horrible, but not impressive. 10 - fantastic. Thank you for this existing. I love this too much.
I will make a final post about my overall thoughts separately as well as give the top 5 songs of the album. BUT FOR NOW, we venture ever onwards. STARTING WITH--
13. "The Gospel of Judas" - 9/10
Starting off EXTREMELY strong with a very excellent piece with a brilliant message.
These lads said "happy last day of Pride, please take this video and this song" and I say thank you because. Watch the video. Careful with some people malding over them becoming "political" by adding a pride flag in the comments (but there are plenty of responses shutting them down since LOTL has regularly been supportive of the LGBT+ community and very vocal about that support).
This song is meant for those who are outcasts in society for being who they are, whether it be from gender-based, sexuality-based, race-based, whatever. Great intention and a great message.
The song itself, I find myself liking the choruses more than the verses. I'm not a huge fan of the "Judas, Judas" parts, but it works well enough for the song. Not quite an absolute banger of a song, but still really fucking good.
14. "Viva Vendetta" - 9/10
This song is fascinating for two reasons. The first; it features a full 386 person choir. The second; its instrumental was given to 32 different artists, with no title attached, to see what they'd do with it. That's really fucking cool.
As for the actual piece, it has a very nice, flowy, bouncy beat all throughout. I like it. It's something to vibe to, most certainly. It has almost a bit of an 80s feel to it.
The instrumentals are very neat, with the guitars making a very nice sounding bassy groove. Though there does seem to be acoustics used throughout as well, and the occasional synth. Overall? Dope as fuck song. It's genuinely awesome. It slaps.
But. As much as it slaps. A challenger approaches. A song I had been anticipating for over 3 weeks since I heard the "Track by Track" 30s preview.
15. "Argent" - 11/10
Okay. Okay. I know. Priest? Slaps. Born with a Broken Heart? Beautiful. Death is Just a Kiss Away? Love the strings. But.
But, dear reader. Allow me to enlighten you as to why this is, in my humble opinion, the best song on the album.
Let us start with the wonderful, Arabian-sounding vocals to open it. And then the introduction of the piano, it begins to build. And build. And then the guitars and the drums kick in, along with that industrial sound in the back.
It keeps growing and growing, then it begins to cool for the verse. Everything is still there, just waiting. Slowly, everything keeps growing in intensity. It builds and builds along with the vocals of the first verse.
Then we transition to a pre-chorus for a small calm...
Are you out there?
Are you out there?
I suffer...
Your thirteenth suffers!
And then...
IT GOES OFF!
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
I'M CLINGING TO THE DARK!
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
MY FALLEN COUNTERPART!
BETRAYAL BURNS,
LIKE THE SILVER IN MY HEART!
ARE YOU OUT THERE?
THE ERROR OF THE STARS!
The best chorus of the album. Without a doubt. There is so much raw emotion here barely simmering at the surface. As my friend @hoholupercal-adopts said;
"It captures ethereal rage, suppressing emotions, sorrow, bliss, and a love and need for hope."
And he is so spot on with that. It is beautiful. It is intense. It's amazing.
And then we come right back to a verse. And we start again, and after the second chorus we enter a small break of calm.
As the bridge starts up, the vocals from the beginning return, along with Chris' wonderful and soft yet gravelly voice with the slowly building instrumentals behind him...
The error of the stars...
The error of the stars...
A searing oath on the circles of the heart,
Are you out there?
The error of the stars...
A brief pause, and then it smashes itself right back into that insane chorus.
This entire song is so powerful. Its so... so raw. So full of just a mix of emotions that it almost feels overwhelming. I just. I love this song so much.
If there is any song you listen to off "Judas", please make it be this. I cannot stress enough how fantastic this piece of incredible artistry is. It is, apparently, "Globalization in practice" according to Chris Harms himself. It is so beautiful. Please listen to it. Do yourself a favor.
16. "The Heartbeat of the Devil" - 8/10
This song has a great groove to it. I like the choice for using electronic drums. It has a very 80s feel about it. Very nice opening, with very open sounding verses and then a very nice chorus.
The piano also works as a nice accompaniment, as per usual at this point. The song is a fine song indeed, it really is grand. However its missing a few things that keep it from a 9/10 or a 10/10. Not entirely sure how to pinpoint what they are, but they're there.
Overall, a grand song, as most of these songs have been. Also this is a song for the Emperor of Mankind and it's funny cause it's number 16, which is Horus' number. But you wanna know what else else? It isn't the only ironic incident of this happening.
17. "And it Was Night" - 10/10
This song took me a bit. Off its intro with the synths, I wasn't vibing with it too much. With the introduction of the guitar and drums, I started to get into it. For the verse, I was still uncertain. That kinda odd synth was back. But it still sounded fine, I supposed.
However. The chorus is, ironically enough, where it shines the most.
It sounds beautiful. There, everything reconverges after the break in the verse, along with the backing choir, and it is simply...
It sounds ethereal. It sounds dreamlike. It sounds perfect for a song entitled "And it Was Night".
Everything afterward sounds great. The elements used in the intro and the chorus are used a bit more in the following verse, and the chorus just hard carries this song to a 10/10. It is fucking fantastic. It has some raw emotion within it, similar to Argent, but instead on a more... dreamlike, hopeful level. Kind of like childlike hope and wonder.
Also I've had 2 people tell me it's a Lorgar song and I agree wholeheartedly. Plus its #17. So ha.
18. "My Constellation" - 6/10
The vocals are fine, and they remind me of a song I can't really put my finger on. But this song just doesn't really do it for me. It has plenty of nice emotion and power with it, but the instrumentals feel kind of... weird. They fit, somehow, but they feel like they shouldn't.
It's still a very above-average song for the musicality of it alone, and the very pretty lyrics. Plus the vocals of the chorus are also nice. But it's still just missing things. It's not that great, but it's definitely an above-average song. One of the weaker entries on this album, but that's not saying a lot since this album is still fucking amazing as a whole.
19. "The Ashes of Flowers" - 8/10
The synths in the back of the intro with the piano sounded kind of odd at first. This is a song that doesn't have much buildup, it just goes along for about a minute and then BAM, intense instrumentals.
I do appreciate such songs as much as I do those that build. Those that slap you in the face will usually, indeed, slap. And this song does, for the most part. There are some bits that sound a bit janky to me, but it is a good song. Very strong entry on the list. At times it shares in that "these don't feel like they should fit together" vibes as its predecessor, but it only happens twice at most. Very gospel-sounding song, especially with how it sounds around the 3:30 mark, with the choir and Chris singing.
20. "Iskarioth" - 9/10
Now we got that more classic sounding heavy metal on the album. I grew up listening to stuff with this sort of style. But of course, the song has some newer elements added in. I love the riffs, though. They sound great. Love that classic sounding over-overdrive on the guitars. Love how it carries into the second verse. The beat and rhythm have that classic metal feel to them as well.
The chorus is, as most on the album thus far, very powerful and clean. The heavy riffs from the intro and breaks between chorus and verse are absent, leaving room for Chris and the backing choir to shine alongside the beautiful piano.
The break for the bridge that slowly builds to the final chorus is very nicely done, and I like how the guitars were added back in. An extremely strong song. Very well done. Love it.
21. "A War Within" - 9/10
Strings are back. I'm a bitch for strings. I love them when they're used in metal. I love them when combined with an organ and piano. I love them also when combined with great vocals. The opening verse leading to the pre-chorus, the repetition, the build to that powerful chorus, it's wonderful. The piano, as always, twining beautifully with the vocals.
The fucking cello solo with the leitmotif is fucking amazing. Favorite part of the song. It's so beautiful.
Very, very excellent piece of music. This song is a 9 for sure. Not quite a 10 since, while the chorus is nice, it could've used a bit more intensity. The pre-choruses where the rhythm picks up and everything feels more urgent is where the song shines for sure. Without a doubt.
22. "A World where We Belong" - 8/10
An interesting somber song that blends the heavier and intense pieces with this overall feeling of melancholy, yet hope. This song doesn't have an instrumental intro. Instead, Chris just starts right off singing. This song definitely feels like a sort of cheesy church song. But it does have a nice message to be found within the lyrics, and it's a nice and slow song too.
Good pacing. Good vocals. A good song.
23. "Apokatastasis" - 10/10
So. Um.
This song is an instrumental that's basically entirely strings.
The name means "the restoration of equilibrium after the apocalypse", and it serves as a respite for the album. A breath of fresh air, similar to Be Still and Know.
However, where Be Still and Know had the various members of the band show up, this one has them quieting down. It features the leitmotif once more, and it definitely has that feeling of peace and quiet. The album, until now, has been a bit chaotic. There's been a lot of emotion, power, and just... feeling.
This is a beautiful piece. It truly is.
10/10, easily.
Now let's wrap up the album.
24. "Work of Salvation" - 9/10
Soft, gravelly vocals greet the listener after that beautiful respite, paired with a lovely choir and piano as well.
Slowly, we get that buildup again. The organ comes back. The song feels very much like "The Death of All Colours", only this time with instrumentals backing instead of just vocals. A nice callback after this long journey.
This song works as a great ending to the album, a very nice catharsis. It isn't overbearingly powerful, but it isn't too soft either. It matches the mood of its predecessor and of that of the album wonderfully.
I'll talk about that in the post after this, but wonderful song.
It even ends with a beautiful, and almost sad rendition of that leitmotif on piano. As if lamenting that the journey is over. A beautiful end to a wonderfully amazing album.
#rip me cause tumblr ate the original reviews for the first 4 songs#i had it done and was about to start my constellation when it bugged and it was all gone#pissed me off lmao#ah well#music shill of the day#judas#lord of the lost
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Looking for Alaska by John Green; Quotes
“Francois Rabelais. He was this poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps.”
Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it's over and you're relieved.
“'He'—that's Simon Bolivar—*was shaken by the overwhelming revelation that the headlong race between his misfortunes and his dreams was at that moment reaching the finish line. The rest was darkness. ”Damn it,“ he sighed. ”How will I ever get out of thislabyrinth!'“”
She had the kind of eyes that predisposed you to supporting her every endeavor.
Because you may be smart, but I've been smart longer.
(...) the most important pursuit in history: the search for meaning. What is the nature of being a person? What is the best way to go about being a person? How did we come to be, and what will become of us when we are no longer? In short: What are the rules of this game, and how might we best play it?"
I learned that myth doesn't mean a lie; it means a traditional story that tells you something about people and their worldview and what they hold sacred.
She smiled with all the delight of a kid on Christmas morning and said, “Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die.”
(...) and I jogged after him, trailing in his wake. I wanted to be one of those people who have streaks to maintain, who scorch the ground with their intensity. But for now, at least I knew such people, and they needed me, just like comets need tails.
“You've got a lifetime to mull over the Buddhist understanding of interconnectedness.” He spoke every sentence as if he'd written it down, memorized it, and was now reciting it. “But while you were looking out the window, you missed the chance to explore the equally interesting Buddhist belief in being present for every facet of your daily life, of being truly present. Be present in this class. And then, when it's over, be present out there,” he said, nodding toward the lake and beyond.
“I may die young,” she said. “But at least I'll die smart. Now, back to tangents.”
“Getting out isn't that easy,” she said seriously, her eyes on mine like I knew the way out and wouldn't tell her.
“Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia.” “Huh?” I asked. “You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it. You just use the future to escape the present.”
“Sometimes I don't get you,” I said. She didn't even glance at me. She just smiled toward the television and said, “You never get me. That's the whole point.”
“He loves me,” Alaska told me as we walked back to the dorm circle. “He loves all y'all, too. He just loves the school more. That's the thing. He thinks busting us is good for the school and good for us. It's the eternal struggle, Pudge. The Good versus the Naughty.”
“Sometimes you lose a battle. But mischief always wins the war.”
“So Friday? Do you have plans for Friday?” And then I laughed, because the Colonel and I didn't have plans for this Friday, or for any other Friday for the rest of our lives.
And I vaguely remember Lara smiling at me from the doorway, the glittering ambiguity of a girl's smile, which seems to promise an answer to the question but never gives it. The question, the one we've all been asking since girls stopped being gross, the question that is too simple to be uncomplicated: Does she like me or like me?
“It is sad,” I repeated. “I mean, it's stupid to miss someone you didn't even get along with. But, I don't know, it was nice, you know, having someone you could always fight with.”
“Sorry. Don't worry, dude,” he said. “God will punish the wicked. And before He does, we will.”
“Hold on.” He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. “I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit.”
“It's not life or death, the labyrinth.” “Urn, okay. So what is it?” “Suffering,” she said. “Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?” “What's wrong?” I asked. And I felt the absence of her hand on me. “Nothing's wrong. But there's always suffering, Pudge. Homework or malaria or having a boyfriend who lives far away when there's a good-looking boy lying next to you. Suffering is universal. It's the one thing Buddhists, Christians, and Muslims are all worried about.”
“You shall love your crooked neighbour/ With your crooked heart,”
I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane.
“Night falls fast. Today is in the past,”
Alaska decided to go help Dolores with dinner. She said that it was sexist to leave the cooking to the women, but better to have good sexist food than crappy boy-prepared food.
“Don't you know who you love, Pudge? You love the girl who makes you laugh and shows you porn and drinks wine with you. You don't love the crazy, sullen bitch.” And there was something to that, truth be told.
People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to.
The Great Perhaps was upon us, and we were invincible. The plan may have had faults, but we did not.
“Prick us, we bleed. Prick him, he pops.”
I don't know. Like the way the sun is right now, with the long shadows and that kind of bright, soft light you get when the sun isn't quite setting? That's the light that makes everything better, everything prettier, and today, everything just seemed to be in that light.
I found myself thinking about President William McKinley, the third American president to be assassinated. He lived for several days after he was shot, and toward the end, his wife started crying and screaming, “I want to go, too! I want to go, too!” And with his last measure of strength, McKinley turned to her and spoke his last words: “We are all going.”
There comes a time when we realize that our parents cannot save themselves or save us, that everyone who wades through time eventually gets dragged out to sea by the undertow—that, in short, we are all going.
“Pudge, what you must understand about me is that I ama deeply unhappy person.”
“But a lot of times, people die how they live. And so last words tell me a lot about who people were, and why they became the sort of people biographies get written about. Does that make sense?”
And what is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. Instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.
Straight & Fast.
How will we ever get out of this labyrinth of suffering?—A. Y.
“Because everybody who has ever lost their way in life has felt the nagging insistence of that question. At some point we all look up and realize we are lost in a maze, (...)
I wondered if there would ever be a day when I didn't think about Alaska, wondered whether I should hope for a time when she would be a distant memory—recalled only on the anniversary of her death, or maybe a couple of weeks after, remembering only after having forgotten. I knew that I would know more dead people. The bodies pile up. Could there be a space in my memory for each of them, or would I forget a little of Alaska every day for the rest of my life?
“You can't just make me different and then leave,” I said out loud to her. “Because I was fine before, Alaska. I was fine with just me and last words and school friends, and you can't just make me different and then die.” For she had embodied the Great Perhaps—she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. I could call everything the Colonel said and did “fine.” I could try to pretend that I didn't care anymore, but it could never be true again. You can't just make yourself matter and then die, Alaska, because now I am irretrievably different, and I'm sorry I let you go, yes, but you made the choice. You left me Perhapsless, stuck in your goddamned labyrinth. And now I don't even know if you chose the straight and fast way out, if you left me like this on purpose. And so I never knew you, did I? I can't remember, because I never knew.
The times that were the most fun seemed always to be followed by sadness now, because it was when life started to feel like it did when she was with us that we realized how utterly, totally gone she was.
'Everything that comes together falls apart,'” the Old Man said. "Everything. The chair I'm sitting on. It was built, and so it will fall apart. I'm gonna fall apart, probably before this chair. And you're gonna fall apart. The cells and organs and systems that make you you—they came together, grew together, and so must fall apart. The Buddha knew one thing science didn't prove for millennia after his death: Entropy increases. Things fall apart."
We are all going, I thought, and it applies to turtles and turtlenecks, Alaska the girl and Alaska the place, because nothing can last, not even the earth itself. The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we'd learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn't fall apart, you'd stop suffering when they did.
The hardest part about pranking, Alaska told me once, is not being able to confess.
I'd finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want to be discovered. We'd failed, maybe, but some mysteries aren't meant to be solved. I still did not know her as I wanted to, but I never could.
Did I help you toward a fate you didn't want, Alaska, or did I just assist in your willful self-destruction? Because they are different crimes, and I didn't know whether to feel angry at her for making me part of her suicide or just to feel angry at myself for letting her go.
“After all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out—but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it.”
(...) we had to forgive to survive in the labyrinth. There were so many of us who would have to live with things done and things left undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can't know better until knowing better is useless.
I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe “the afterlife” is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled.
But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed.
Those awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, “Teenagers think they are invincible” with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need never be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail.
So I know she forgives me, just as I forgive her. Thomas Edison's last words were: “It's very beautiful over there.” I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.
Most loves don't last. (Whitney sure didn't. I can't even remember her last name.) But some do.
Almost by definition, last words are difficult to verify. Witnesses are emotional, time gets conflated, and the speaker isn't around to clear up any controversy.
I was born into Bolivar's labyrinth, and so I must believe in the hope of Rabelais' Great Perhaps.
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[ P A R T T W O ]
my favorite thing is monsters (book one) by emil ferris 🧟♀️🔍🧛♀️
quick synopsis: adult (coming-of-age story from the perspective of a young girl, but definitely targeted at an older audience)/graphic novel. set in late 60′s chicago, the fictional graphic diary of ten year old karen reyes recounts her experiences as she tries to solve the murder of her beautiful and enigmatic upstairs neighbor, a holocaust survivor.
page count: 416
rating:★★★ (this is a hard rating for me...think 3.7-3.9....oscillating to a 4....4.2....I don’t know, man)
review: I keep doing this fun and cool thing where I buy a book without realizing it’s the first in an (unfinished) series, and then end up being cast woefully adrift by reality. that’s what I did with this one. purely based on the artwork alone, I can tell you that this book is a treat for the eyes. a lot is going on here, and there’s something so engrossing about being swept up into the chaotic pen strokes and colors. the story is an interesting one, and not entirely what you expect. the characters are all distinct and layered---really riveting people who feel near-painfully real. as the first book in a two (?) book series, it leaves off with the central (and now additional) mysteries unsolved---which leaves the reading experience feeling unfinished and kind of disjointed. I’m stuck in a bit of a confusing mid-zone with this one, where I truly....well, I can't say I enjoyed it, since this story is so much more than that? I was...fascinated? enveloped? I’ll be reading the next one, definitely.
one of us is lying by karen m. mcmanus 🥜🚓📱
quick synopsis: young adult/contemporary mystery/suspense. five students walk into detention. only four make it out alive. who did it...and who is lying?
page count: 361
rating:★★★ (firm 3.7)
review: the breakfast club....but with murder? if you’re down for that, you’ll enjoy this book! it certainly kept my attention. and MAN was this a suspenseful and super stressful read. (if you need a book that’ll make you go “wow, I’m glad I’m not in high school anymore”, this is it lol!) there’s a bunch of really interesting character studies going on in this one, and it definitely lends to a tense and involving read. the only reason the rating isn’t any higher is just that certain elements of it didn’t work...entirely...for me. that doesn’t mean that they were bad...just not what I...wanted? there’s two more books in this series, and while I’m not anxious to get my hands on them, I’m fairly sure I would read them!
murder at morrington hall: a stella and lyndy mystery by clara mckenna 🐎🍵💏
quick synopsis: adult/historical mystery. 1905. stella kendrick, a lively and confident american heiress, is tricked into an arranged marriage by her coldly ambitious father. her groom-to-be is viscount “lyndy” lyndhurst, who is both roughish and financially strapped. despite this rough beginning, they find themselves oddly drawn to each other. could they actually be a good match? however, all courtship is set aside when the pair discover the vicar who was to marry them----dead in the library. now they must work together to solve the crime and find the culprit.
page count: 304
rating: ★★
review: ugh, it pains me to say, as I thought I was signing myself up for a fun turn-of-the-century murder mystery/romance...but this was just...meh. a meh story. I feel like it had potential to be an enjoyable, soapy romp with a dash of sensuality...but it was none of those things? (basically, I wanted a self-indulgent and delicious slice of chocolate cake...but I ended up with a week-old raisin muffin.) it didn't help that I had some issues with certain things the writer included. in particular, I REALLY didn’t like the equating of fat = mean/ugly and the repeated use of the word “bulbous” to describe certain characters noses----I had to do a quick google search to see what the hell the author was talking about. still not sure if she was trying to imply that the characters had rhinophyma/rosacea or just that they had bigger, “ugly” noses, but neither is good lmao. whenever you put a “plain/regular-degular person” with a big nose up against your array of stock White People™ characters with thin noses and angular faces, AND make those “plain” characters play the “wow, I’m so ugly but these characters are so pretty oh woe is me” bullshit in their inner monologue, I’m dipping. I’ve collected my paycheck, clocked out, left the building. (your story is already about a bunch of rich, straight, white people in 1905...I’m already skeptical, don’t test me. jk, but also not.) I’m fairly sure this would have caused a decent amount of people to DNF this book, but I’m a stubborn little bitch, and if I paid actual money for the hardcover copy at goddamn Barnes and Noble, I’m reading it. this is all to say that....if I’m being thrown out of enjoying your soapy historical murder mystery to gripe about random shit, there’s a problem. other than that? carpet was described a lot, the twist was decent, the romance was okay (no smut---or anything even vaguely close to romantic/sexual tension---and the kisses were not described at all, so I have no clue if either of them do more than press their lips together while admiring each others pale necks, but whatever), and the setting was the most interesting thing about this book (a crumbling english estate in the countryside?? sign me tf up). I won’t be reading anything more in this series, but that cover is pretty cool isn’t it? (I don’t know that the vase had anything to do with the story I read, but it does look really neat.) sidenote: hate to be a smarmy asshole, as I know full well how much work goes into writing, and I’m in no way trying to shame the author...this book just didn’t do it for me.
wilder girls by rory power 🌳🦷🥀
quick synopsis: young adult/horror/mystery. on an isolated island off the coast of maine, raxter school for girls is under quarantine. a mysterious disease has wracked the island, leaving teachers dead, students twisted and changed, and the woods that surround it dangerous and wild. while the disease consumes the island, the girls wait---for help, for the cure that was promised to them. but when hetty’s best friend disappears, she must venture out of the safety of the school, past the gate that separates them from the woods---and what she finds will change everything.
page count: 363
rating: ★★★★★
review: powerful, blistering, and utterly terrifying. that’s what immediately comes to mind when thinking about this book. I read it in a breakneck pace, devouring the whole thing in a feverish five? hour haze. once it was over, I sat bleary-eyed, the air around me feeling different than before, my hands tense and my stomach jumping. “you were a good one.” I said softly, kissing the spine. so yeah, it’s good. it’s very good. heartbreaking and awful and shockingly beautiful. this one hurts. I felt this one in my bones, in my soul. read it.
lovely war by julie berry 🌷💥💞
quick synopsis: young adult (but the youngest character is 18...so I think this could comfortably slot into adult)/historical (with a touch of fantasy). the intersecting stories of hazel, james, aubrey, and colette: a classical pianist from london, a british would-be-architect-turned-soldier, a harlem-born ragtime genius in the u.s. army, and a belgian orphan with a gorgeous voice and a devastating past----told by the goddess aphrodite, who must spin the tale or face judgment on mount olympus.
page count: 468
rating: ★★★★★
review: do you know how many times I CRIED while reading this book? because I certainly don’t! I lost track, as there are simply too many painful and beautiful things contained in this book. heart-wrenching, sumptuous and intoxicating, vivid in the best and worst ways, sharp and soft at the same time. I met my boyfriend while he was still active-duty military, so the wartime/seperation themes hit me very personally....but even without that, this book is excellent. expertly weaving together mythology and history in one gripping piece of art, it left me with a wistful smile on my face and a faint ache in my heart. it’s good. very good.
we have always lived in the castle by shirley jackson 🏡💀🐱
quick synopsis: young adult? adult? who knows!/mystery/horror. mary katherine blackwood is eighteen years old and lives with her sister constance. she has often thought that with any luck at all she would have been born a werewolf, because the two middle fingers on both of her hands are the same length, but she has had to be content with what she has. she dislikes washing herself, and dogs, and noise. she likes her sister constance, and richard plantagenet, and amanita phalloides, the death-cup mushroom. everyone else in her family is dead.
page count: 146
rating: ★★★★ (4.5/4.6!)
review: delightfully creepy and utterly odd, with a full cast of extremely unlikable characters and one of the strangest protagonists I’ve ever read. at NO TIME did I have any idea where the story was going, which lead to an completely bizarre (but fun!) reading experience. twilight-zonian/gothic...but better. very eager to read more of shirley jackson’s catalogue, because that lady sure knew how to weave a tale. very glad I read this one.
sadie by courtney summers 📻👥🎙
quick synopsis: young adult (mc is nineteen, and imo I feel like this slides into adult tbh)/contemporary/true crime. told from the alternating perspectives of nineteen-year-old sadie, who runs away from home to find her younger sister’s killer, and a true crime podcast exploring sadie’s disappearance.
page count: 308
rating: ★★★
review: sad, awful, raw. that’s this book, simultaneously bright red and angry and deep blue, sadness upon sadness. this book reminds me of every true crime documentary I’ve ever watched---how it wraps itself up in a depressingly soft way, all the emptiness left behind and everything forever-changed. gives me the same icky voyeuristic feeling consuming any true crime content always leaves with me---this peculiar feeling of peering in to others heartbreak, of their horrors. this is a hard book. it’s difficult and not easy to stomach---and it never lets up. know that before you go in. what you may expect/want is NOT what you’ll get. and that’s the trueness of this book. I have my own personal feelings regarding the story, thus the three star rating, but that’s on ME. this book is incredibly well-written and insanely gripping. I finished it the same night I started reading it. if you want a gritty, intense read set in the very bleak reality of our world, this is your book.
FEBRUARY
BOOKS READ: 14
PAGES READ: 4225
# OF 2020 BOOKS READ SO FAR: 17/50
in reflection: my goal for this month was to read ten books, and I did that ...plus four more! so I’m pretty proud of myself, lol! there were a lot of stellar reads this month, and I had so much fun discovering them all! definitely a TON of new favorites to add to my bookshelf! :^)
disclaimer: all fourteen of the books I read this month include/focus on potentially triggering content, although they do fluctuate on the scale of intensity and subject matter. my wrap-up reviews do not contain spoilers/a comprehensive list of potential triggers. I urge everyone to do their own research regarding the content of these books if you’re interested in reading them, and I’m always available for questions. my reviews are just that, reviews, and books that work for me may not work for you (and vice versa).
#sam's 50 books of 2020#nonsims#sam speaks#body horror cw#for wilder girls cover#and for wilder girls in general lol
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Undertaker: The Last Ride
When I say I've been waiting years for this, I'm serious. Ever since Undertaker's loss at Wrestlemania 30, and shortly after that the news he would be on the Stone Cold Podcast, I've been eagerly anticipating seeing Mark Calaway speak as himself. Many fans have been hesitant to watch Calaway out of character, worried it would ruin the mystique of the Undertaker, but I've felt for years that the work put into these characters behind the scenes is just as fascinating as the fiction.
I watched episode one soon after it aired, and want to do a rewatch/reaction post before episode two drops tonight. Join me, if you wish.
If you've not seen the episode, a little content warning: there is blood, gore in a surgical setting (very, very graphic, but only there for a couple seconds at a time), needles, and implied injuries, including details of Mark's concussion at WM30.
CHAPTER 1: THE GREATEST FEAR
The series, all five episodes, takes place between 2017 and 2020. Chapter 1 covers Wrestlemania 33, and his match with Roman Reigns, which was intended to be his last.
This is the first time Mark Calaway's really opened up about his work, and himself in general. There's other instances of him being interviewed, even mixing fact and kayfabe, but never on a platform like this, certainly not with WWE.
Mark: You know they call me Santa Clause, now, right? Because I only come out once a year.
Jimmy Hart, being the sweetest: That's all you need to. You look great.
These backstage segments of Calaway with his coworkers are honestly some of the best parts of the episode. A transcript can only do so much justice.
Roman Reigns, upcoming opponent of the Undertaker, signs in at the lobby desk right next to Mark, being a smartass. Screw your camera guy, indeed.
Mark meditates on the struggles of working only once a year, and throughout the episode, chronicles the moments and injuries that make an already challenging schedule nearly impossible. Chasing the dragon that is the perfect match has lead him to a stalemate with himself and his character: if the Undertaker can go out in a match fitting of him at Wrestlemania, Mark Calaway will be happy.
Gah, baby 'Taker at his Survivor Series debut always gets me. No one could've called the run that boy was about to go on. I see other people call this portion of the episode the mythologizing of the character, building him up to be this big deal, and it's so funny to me because I wouldn't be watching if I didn't already think that of him. Like, y'all are just preaching to the choir, at this point. That, and so much that's been said here has been consistent with what Mark's peers have told about him in the past, it just feels like catching people up rather than building an image from scratch.
Say what you will about Vince McMahon (and there's a lot to be said), but there's something special about his comments on Mark Calaway. You rarely get to hear the guy talk candidly as it is, so when he does, you know it's important.
Calaway describing the weight, the prestige of Wrestlemania... and then the sneer he makes after that statement. I ain't a journalist, so I'll freely speculate: 'Mania's for the best of the best, and he just doesn't see himself as deserving to be there, not right now, at least.
Other wrestlers, from Orton to Edge to Batista, talk about what an honor, and mark of trust, it is to work with Undertaker, period. To work with him at Wrestlemania? You've arrived. The implication of what this would, or should, have meant for Roman is clear. It's a wonder if this image that his coworkers built up of him affected Mark's own expectations of himself. I mean, it's more or less spelled out in the episode, and it is the pro wrestling way to go out on your back, losing to someone who can use the rub, but, just throwing it out there, 'Taker had more pressure on him than most. That legacy, 'Mania, and the worry of managing to physically move during a match? It's overwhelming.
For those confused about why working once or twice a year would be so much more difficult than working hundreds of shows in that same time span, Steve Austin sums it up best: the road keeps you calloused and bruised. Ring rust from inactivity, due to being away or rehabbing an injury, gets you both mentally and physically. Knowing Mark's doing this process every year in his 50′s is insane.
During this, Steve plainly states that to go through that, and the many surgeries as Michelle McCool, Mark's wife, mentioned, it makes him a tough son of a bitch. It's an interesting note, considering we start this episode with Mark referring to that toughness as a thing of the past. His perception of himself, and what his peers see, is another fascinating aspect of the documentary.
Calaway talks about how nerve-racking the final workout before 'Mania is. The worry you'll hurt something while trying to train. Later, when other wrestlers talk about how calm, cool and collected 'Taker always seems... it's like they've built him up to be superhuman; Invulnerable to the same things and fears that plague all athletes. They talk about the physical decline, of course, that’s inevitable. But the mental side of things is where the biggest differences are.
Hoo boy, WrestleMania 30, the cause of my first major bout with depression. After that match between Undertaker and Brock Lesnar, not only was I crying and distressed, but there was then the news of Mark Calaway's hospitalization that was the numbing cherry on top. I remember registering how much more important the man's health was, but it was like I couldn't get any more upset.
After that, I'd read up on so many rumors, that the only new bit of information here in the documentary is about when Mark's being rushed to the ER; how Vince infamously left the arena before 'Mania was over just to make sure Mark was okay, and, in new info, Brock was in the car with him. I cannot stress enough how humanizing that is to hear, especially considering how closely guarded Brock is about his persona, and how the man and the character are often so blended together. Time heals all wounds, but I really appreciated hearing that.
So, the injury for the uninformed: during the match with Brock, 'Taker got concussed. No one knows when it happened, much less Mark, who can't remember anything from after 3:30 PM that afternoon. To say I, and many others, were convinced this was it, he'd retire, would be an understatement. Many people felt he should retire, I did too, at one point. But, I could also tell Calaway wouldn't want to leave on such a note, because frankly, the match sucked. That's what happens when one person gets knocked the fuck out, and the other guy's gotta improvise. The fact 'Taker's going on muscle memory while he's out is nothing short of a miracle.
With WM30 in the books, 'Taker was at a low point, his confidence shot and a lot riding on his match with Bray Wyatt at WrestleMania 31 (or Play Button, if you prefer). Bray himself recalling how nervous he was, but how chill Undertaker appeared, in comparison.
Triple H's pep talk with 'Taker backstage is another gem, and I just love their friendship. I love the raw vulnerability this series is providing, both when it comes to 'Taker, and everyone else around him. I hope it's a constant through the rest of the docuseries.
WM31 was an ego boost, and leads into the superior Brock-Undertaker program in 2015. It's not highlighted as much, but it's fire, and I think allowed Calaway to redeem himself a bit, in his eyes. Not too much, since he didn't retire, but it made fans really start to come back 'round.
Now, I liked WM32 because I got to see it in person, and it was the first time I'd ever seen Undertaker live, so I'm a biased bitch. Anyone signing up to work Hell in a Cell is a ballsy move, and considering how old both 'Taker and Shane McMahon were going into that is no small feat. I liked it, it was a spectacle, and I was sports entertained. There is the implication, between showing clips of WM32 and 'Taker's appearance at the 2017 Royal Rumble, that Calaway wasn't satisfied with how the former turned out. It becomes fully fleshed out he's talking about entering the RR, and feeling intense regret, but that he was also disappointed with the former. Again, if he were happy with it, he'd have retired, but that's again the difference between what the fans see and what the wrestler sees. I, and I imagine roughly 100,000 others, had the time of our lives; Mark Calaway was, and still is, chasing perfection.
With RR 2017, Mark freely admits that he had no business being there. It sounds truly like his thought process in the moment, and not just the regret of how WM33 went down, and that the build for that match began when he and Roman went toe-to-toe at the Rumble.
Back to WM33 weekend. 'Taker's finished up the final workout, and is talking about his place on the upcoming card:
Mark: Regardless of my injuries, regardless of my age, regardless of everything that has happened, if I'm on the card, there's some young guy that's making a lot of the shows through the year, you know, that may not be on that card. So, it's my duty to make sure that it's worth putting me on the card. No one would probably say it to my face if I stunk it up, (but) I would know, and that's one of my biggest fears, and um, is becoming a parody of myself.
This is someone who's also been reading the rumor mill, the comments, general fan reaction. It's neat he's so receptive to fan interaction, and makes me wonder if he's actually been doing this for years, but it's also sad to watch him only see the negative sides. The Undertaker, as a character, wouldn't have worked for so long without innovation, so being open-minded is important. And, I'm all for Mark Calaway doing what he wants with his life, but, for him, will anything, any match, ever be good enough?
It's the night of the Hall of Fame 2017 and we see Mark and Michelle backstage greeting people. We get a shot of Mark saying hi to the likes of the late Bruno Sammartino, inductees Sean Waltman and Kurt Angle, and I just love how dolled up Michelle looks, whereas Mark's just in jeans, a dress shirt and a cap. I love their dynamic, so so much. Also, Mark and Kurt's friendship, that's adorable. One of the good things to happen when I found out about kayfabe was thinking how these characters who normally hate each other on screen, were really besties backstage. It's a thought that still tickles me to this day, and watching that in the episode on several occasions is a joy to behold.
Kurt's talking about 'Taker's role as locker room leader, and Mark mentions how it wasn't ever something he actively pursued, it just happened. Being locker room leader just seems to be yet another thing added to the legend of the Undertaker. Makes a bit more sense why Mark's peers put him on a pedestal.
Wrestlers are talking about how, very early on, Undertaker set the benchmark, the gold standard, of work every night. John Bradshaw Layfield goes on to say, "(Mark) was the yardstick. And if you did well, then pretty much you were in, if not, then you were out, because you knew if you didn't do well, it wasn't the Undertaker's fault." That explains why it hurts so much for 'Taker to not be at his best. I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, but it's fascinating to see all of these elements come together. It's also interesting to hear JBL build up 'Taker as the greatest of all time, and then plainly say he's never seen Mark in worse shape than he was heading into WM33.
On a lighter note, it's real funny to hear Mark and Roman talk about the latter's new twins (from 2017) considering he's got another set of twins on the way, now. Just in general, Roman going on about how much he loves talking to Mark about work, but mostly family and to hear the stories Mark's got to tell, you can see how much this match means to him. The prestige of working with 'Taker at any point, let alone 'Mania, he knows this is the highlight of his career. I can't help but respect Roman for that, and couldn't help but feel that way going into WM33. It's a stark difference from how I felt about Brock post-WM30, and I honestly thought I was prepared to watch Undertaker take his rumored loss at this show.
It's the night before 'Mania, and they're doing entrance rehearsals. The stage setup for this show was so cool, guys, it took inspiration from the theme parks that are littered throughout Orlando, and was a beauty to see live, especially when it got dark. And 'Taker's entrance, even in practice, is a spectacle.
Cuts to the day of WrestleMania 33. General nerves are felt, and the start of a very long day begins.
Mark: People say, "All you gotta do is go out there and chokeslam somebody, make your entrance, and everybody's gonna be happy." No. I'm not gonna be happy. Like when I say, and this isn't stupid man pride, or cliche stuff. I'm either gonna go out in a match that's befitting the Undertaker at WrestleMania, or I'm going out on my shield, one way or another.
And there we have it, the subject of this docuseries.
Roman talking about the weight of potentially being the last person to work with the Undertaker, it just makes you feel bad for him things didn't work out quite the way they planned. But, it's as JBL summed up before, no matter the outcome or if it's really 'Taker's last match, this is the biggest night of Roman Reigns' career. I know episode 2 will focus on the aftermath of WM33, and Mark's reaction, and what gets him to come back to wrestling, but I hope they get Roman's take as well. Is he as disappointed as 'Taker? Does he blame himself? Or, did he actually like what they did, flaws and all?
Content warning: they show the botched top rope dive from WM25, the one where 'Taker goes head-first into the mat. It's during the segment where Mark explains how he comes from the era of 'if you can move, you can make it to the ring'. He's okay, and we know he's okay, but it doesn't make it hurt any less to watch. They also mention the time he was severely sick and still worked a match with Big Show, and how he caught on fire in 2010 on the way to the Elimination Chamber match. Like, they actually show him engulfed in flames, then narrate how he went on to work the match. I love you, Undertaker, but JFC.
And now we're at the medical portion of the episode. Warning for needles.
Actual showtime for the match, and even now, 'Taker's entrance gives me chills. That feeling of happiness is indescribable, and is that precious something that never fails to make me smile.
So, everything else in the match is framed as great, brutal, well-done, and then that damn botched tombstone reversal comes up, and it's honestly the hardest thing to watch in the entire episode. I swear, it's the only bad thing in my eyes, and seems to be enough to make 'Taker dissatisfied. Again, I'm biased, with others saying his whole mood was off during the match, and that affected the overall performance, so what do I know? But, I will say this, ending 'Mania on such a grim note will always be a strange choice to me. I get it, if not the main event, where else would you put the Undertaker’s retirement match? Still, it completely changed my perception of the whole night, from riding high to finding myself depressed, once again. And maybe that’s exactly what all those wrestlers, namely Vince McMahon, were talking about. Instead of this being Shawn Michaels going out on a high note, it’s far more dour.
Mark: We'll see what tomorrow brings.
And with that look, and the fact he's had a match as recently as March/April of this year, he won't be gone for long.
Preview for the next episode contains intense surgical imagery. Just a heads up.
Post-episode thoughts:
I learned very little new information, but that's not the the hook of this series for me. Undertaker's the first character I ever truly loved, long before the likes of Supernatural came into my life. An interesting dynamic is potentially seeing both the Undertaker retire, and Supernatural come to a close, in the same year. I don't find myself mourning either, because I've already been through that. Now, I just want to indulge in behind-the-scenes tales, and watch two of the most influential stories in my life come to a close.
I greatly look forward to Chapter 2 of The Last Ride, and the rest of the episodes to come.
#WWE#Undertaker#Undertaker: The Last Ride#Mark Calaway#documentaries#docuseries#pro wrestling#or if you prefer#sports entertainment#graphic imagery#violence#notes#long post
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i love ur portrayal of will! he stays true to his duality of fascinating and somewhat doesn't deserve this shit but also rancid.
that really is the balanace tho—the heart of the horror. will is, at his core, a rancid little bastard. he is also, at his core, someone who feels a powerful protective urge over the vulnerable. he wants to punish those who abuse their power over vulnerable people, especially those who betray the basic principle of not punching down. that is, in itself, a heroic impulse. the PROBLEM is that will graham believes that /his/ view of the world is singular, and his self-imposed ‘non-humanity’ makes him a thing who stands outside of humanity, and he believes that /his/ understanding of who does and doesn’t deserve punishment is really the only understanding that he genuinely values despite the fact that he is perfectly able to understand the conceptualizations of others.
we call will an ‘empath’ and yea conceptually, theoretically, that is true. he is able to conceptually cognitively empathize with almost anyone because his imagination is so strong and his natural and educated insight so remarkably keen—but the fact that he can understand and even emotionally reconstruct the experience of others doesn’t mean he actually values those experiences and it doesn’t make him a decent person. empathy is not inherently sympathetic and it’s not inherently altruistic, either. the only other perspectives he honestly cares about are those of the people he considers dear to him who are people in which he identifies elements of himself. hannibal, alana, abigail, bev and margot to a less intimate degree. a lot of time this value is actually a recognition of self, and the pieces of himself he sees in others are what he identifies as valuable—that’s a basically rancid concept if you really analyze it, but we all do it, and it just happens to work out that because he has felt vulnerable, he identifies with the vulnerable, and what’s to punish their abusers. that’s righteous, and poetic, and makes him an appealing character.
problem is that, in order to punish those abusers, he wields the exact same tactics that those abusers think are ‘theirs’, he weaponizes the manipulative tactics people have tried to use against him, and he is willing to manipulate those he wants to protect in order to protect them. AND he still considers himself ‘outside’ of others and, thereby, above them. it’s why angels are monstrous, why monsters are monstrous. he feels communally with hannibal who employs his own form of righteousness that is simply based on different value perceptions. rancid value perceptions, rancid in ways that he is also rancid and in some ways that he’s not. we say again y’all, it’s all a matter of taste. that’s the crux. you cannot attempt to moralize those who act outside of communal morality. will is bad. hannibal is bad. there is no argument that will make them good. this is all still poetic, sure, but it’s why it’s horror. it’s horrible. because we have to say ‘damn you are rancid but you also move me and sometimes you kind of make sense’, when we see margot and alana murdering their abuser we say ‘hell yeah’ even though, objectively and by the communal values of society, it’s horrifying. because it’s both horrifying and not, it’s both terrorizing and absolutely righteous. the isolation and prioritization of one perspective over another is the way that the person constructing the narrative manipulates the way the narrative is perceived, and the show is a masterclass in that. trying to moralize will graham means you’ve fallen victim to that narrative. will is a murderer, point blank. he’s also a bitch, point blank, like he’s mean. what we see in him is the part of us that has been raw and vulnerable and vicious, and that’s a human part, too, and being moved by that vicious righteousness and its otherness, wanting to justify it, is what makes horror such a fascinating genre.
#hmm note that alana and margot should /not/ be grouped#in with will and hannibal i DO NOT mean that at all their#actions are in defiance of a system that protects their abuser#which is not the same y'all don't call them murder wives hate#that whole concept BUT the point is horror sauce my friends#and will graham objectively sucks i love him but he does#like don't misinterpret the concept of the gothic hero as a#moral representation because amorality is the focus here#the validity of communal morality really is the question that stirs#the idea that the notion of humanity is a construct when really#the only real communal interaction is love#which is sometimes#an exercise in the deconstruciton of the self#horror baby#what the hell am i talking about anymore anyways THANK YOU#and i love you for sending this#sorry i ranted for so long
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Hannibal Lecter Headcanons
(my gay ass over here thirsting over a godamned cannibal, why did god create this walking disaster of horniness and unbridled depression)
S F W :
- as you may know, Hannibal Lecter is a man no short of expectations, a walking spectacle of perfection itself on the surface but a complicated being underneath to test the limits of what a monster really means
- he smokes
- while he's not an avid chain smoker he does do it every once in a while, like after killing someone who was particularly difficult or pondering something that requires deep thought
- he understands if you don't smoke or don't want to have him smoking around you, he'd rather be polite than give into whatever desire he's feeling. he can't stand the shitty ones though, they're just nasty
- he's had a lot of lovers in his life, but he only remembers vividly the few that did not try to change some of his habits out of fear
- he doesn't feel much emotion at all, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel
- although he may not admit it, he wants to be accepted by whoever he cares for over all else. this can tie back to his sister, although he barely feels it since when he was a very young man, not long after her death. he'd rather feel needed, wanted really. but this is only felt in certain moments, such as sitting in silence in a room with someone or watching their movements as they do basic actions that's can entail deeper meanings
- he's very, very good at body language and how to interpret it (obviously) and how to deal with social situations
- as a physiologist he's seen a lot of different mental cases, states of mind, viewpoints, problems, etc. and so being in a relationship with someone who might have something along those lines is literally not a problem (i mean he technically fell in love with will so-)
- I mean it's his job, so he knows how to calm down someone having a panic attack in no time, but if it'ssomeone closer to him he may have a moment of concern before dealing with it accordingly
- feelings aren't exactly something he's used to, for the most part so it'll freak him out a little if he finds himself caring for someone fairly easily. of course he still feels, it's just not as intense as it used to be. it's partially why he “slips” easily when there's a particular event with someone he genuinely cares about, leaving him in a slightly shocked state of acting upon instinct before treating it like anything else
- he's very self controlled, both physically and mentally
- I headcanon that when he was a teenager/young adult (watch Hannibal Rising to get what I mean) he was much less in control of what he felt in that moment. for instance, crying when Lady Murasaki told him to forgive the men he was intending to kill. it must've hurt to have someone so close to him be so disgusted with him like that
- this can also mean that he only feels afflicted emotionally by those he's very close to. lovers not really, but people he considers as those he needs to be up to a particular standard to outside of the realm of decency? it hurts when you look at him like you're scared of him, dissaproving of what he's doing as if you're negating his efforts
- he cares about you, only you
- seriously, there's not much he genuinely cares about enough to want to keep safe for all eternity, but you're his everything. you're not just some fucktoy, you're a person, a mind, and he wants to control and watch you tick like a clock he intends to take apart and rebuild. seriously, he just wants you to love him as much as he loves you
- it's very likely that you were kidnapped against your will
- he doesn't want a partner he can control, or minipulate easily without a serious challenge. he's not much of a sadist, but he'd like to see you strain under whatever kindof inflictions he's dealing mentally. he wants to see you resist, try to fight back. it's no time any fun to dissect something that's fragile and weak
- like Michael Myers (Aka: 100% That Bitch) he wants someone strong and full of courage, someone he can see fighting for the innocent or fighting to protect something till the end of the line. your courage is what really gets to him, the fact that you won't let anyone run over you regardless of who they are
- your fighting spirit also gets him just a little bit exited when you talk back to him or snap at him when he's angry with you just an fyi
- anyway back to the less horny shit
- this may seem off topic but do you remember when deadpool’s creator said he was “pansexual” by giving a really bad definition for it and lowkey seeming kindof ignorant on what being pansexual is?
- Hannibal is sort of like that pansexual, but think of him as only liking someone when it's convenient. usually he only pretends to be romantically interested in someone because it gains him the upper hand, both males and females, but down to his core he's probably not capable of falling in love with someone unless he seriously, genuinely means it. so far this has only been males and females (cough cough lady murasaki, will graham, etc. cough cough)
- for him to genuinely love someone you need to first love him platonically, actually giving off the feeling of really caring for his wellbeing, even if he does eat people. unless he doesn't really like you prior to having you love him, he'll end up finding himself drawn to you
- it's very rare that he'll love someone first, but in the instance he does it'll probably end in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of thing where you end up loving him eventually. it's kindof dogmatic, but I mean that's just how it is. he's an intelligent psychopath with an understand of humans’ brain patterns. do you really not expect him to use that to his advantage?
- if you do expect it tho and you're still into that then you may just be a horny bastard dude idk what to tell u
- phsycially id suspect that he'd want someone who physically is weaker than him. it's a reminder of sorts, that he still has power over you no matter what. if you're shorter he's definitely into that too but this doesn't mean he isn't into beefcakes
- tbh, he kindof likes a rugged sort of look on someone. while he does like to feel powerful, he also enjoys being able to have a worthy opponent. scars are also fascinating to him. to him it's almost like art, precious and unique in their own way. plus, he himself said they were reminders of the past, so they must have good stories attached to them
- oOO ppl in suits are nice too. like godam dude if you walk up wearing a nice suit looking all clean cut n shit there's a 100% chance you're getting rawed before you can even walk out the door
- in his free time, he'd rather spend time with you above all else. simply having you in the room is nice for him, regardless of how busy he is. if he's working he'd prefer you on his lap or sitting right next to him
- physical affection is something he's actually pretty damn good with, considering his hand is almost always on you. you can think of this as one of his Jedi mind tricks to let you know you're his, but he's kindof shy about it in public the first time
- but his shyness changes once he sees that if his hand isn't directly on you people...gawk at you. and he HATES that
- you'll feel a sudden hand fly to your waist, pulling you closer as he seems not to even register what he's doing. you squeak
- “h-hey! What was that for?”
- “Should I have asked permission first, or do you like the roughness?”
- “Is this because that guy was looking at me too much?”
- “...are you implying that I'm jealous?”
- “Oh my god-”
- yeah, he’ll deny it when asked if he's being jealous, but he is. he's very, very jealous and very very possessive. of course he's already pretty well composed, and he's a master at hiding his facial expressions, but that doesn't mean he won't quirk a brow or exhale slowly if you're being provoked in any way shape or form. expect the person who was annoying you to be gone. but don't worry about their suspicious dissapearence, instead sit down and have dinner! he's serving a nice pot pie with some Brussels sprouts and whatever other side dish you want! where'd the meat come from? that's not important, just relax
- he's sure he made the person more exquisite now that you actually enjoy them without having to talk to them
- oh! he obviously does most of the cooking, but if you can cook he's definitely up to critique and give you advice. of course you can only use his cuts of meat, and he'd much rather help you with cooking than let you do all the work. domestically he's the perfect partner since he's already fairly good at living on his own, and prefers to take care of others rather than get taken care of
- idealy he'd like to go out to a nice place to eat for a date, or just spending some time alone with you in front of the fire is fine with him. as long as you're near him. he dislikes places where there's too many people or just not a good area of town to be in in the first place, but honestly he's always been inclined to things that reek of upper class or fancy themes
- he loves to spoil you too, buying you nice things or nice clothes and making you wear them almost all the time. he doesn't really expect anything in return, but if you can't figure out a gift that's within your paycheck you can always make him something or pay him in - EHEM - other ways (you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )
- although it's kindof sad, he's got a lot of ptsd from when he was a child. of course he's not open to talking about it, but just staying with him when he has a nightmare or placing your hands on his waist when he's in that state will calm him down in no time, although it's very rare
- he'd never hurt you, but he can grow a bit distant at times when he's particularly angry. if your relationship is more manipulative, he might resort to mental abuse as a way to keep you in line. but it's unlikely you'll even be living for very long if that's what your relationship is
- hannibal’s a man of few words, so he may not say I love you very often. he means it though when he does, although it's hard to get out the first time
- he's a one of a kind lover outside of the whole killing people thing, so once you actually get used to his cannibalistic ways and meet all his standards so as not to hurt you, expect to be treated like a queen/king that even outshines the greatest nobles. you are his, and it will take divine intervention from Satan himself to keep you apart as far as he's concerned
#hannibal lecter#hannibal#Hannibal 2013#silence of the lambs#movies books#headcanons#hannibal Lecter headcanons#hannibal the cannibal#hannibal headcanons#horror#horror movies#horror shows#horror headcanons
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