#The bucket addition has no meaning beyond being funny

[fru1tycak3]

The new Stanley Parable re-release is great and also psychologically attacks anybody who was into Homestuck back in its heyday.

This image especially.

#stanley parable #homestuck #buckets #tagging for violence #The bucket addition has no meaning beyond being funny #but couldn't help but to think of homestuck fans playing this re-release

[jezmmart]

Chamomile Comic Trivia #23

#118 - Quiet

I suffer from hayfever and as such, the ettiquette of saying “bless you” has sort of run dry on me over the years. I’m already annoyed enough that whatever I’m doing is being interrupted by sneezing 15 times in a row, there’s no need to draw attention to it.  Whatever soul or demon you think you’re driving back inside me with your words left several decades ago!  So yeah, that’s what inspired this one - it is interesting to see how many times it takes before people stop saying it (usually two or three).

I had fun drawing Bri as dishelved by the experience as possible.

#119 - Fresh

Mimi’s first appearance, apart from a brief early cameo on Brianna’s work schedule in comic #60:

(As mentioned in a previous trivia, the doodle in that comic was designed to be distinct enough to base a character on later, but otherwise I hadn’t designed her until now).  Mimi has always been a name I liked - funnily enough I actually came to know someone with the name only a month or two after this comic (via the series even, they were the significant other of a friend/mutual who followed me after discovering the Chamomile randomly on tapas).  I don’t tend to use the names of people I know for OCs, so Cammie’s Mimi came to be just in time to not be called something else lol.

If it isn’t clear, the goal with Mimi is that beyond being ever-present in Cammie and Bri’s life, she’s a super memorable person in terms of charisma and appearance too, and yet, mirroring the fact that she’s always been off-camera up to this point, Cammie has no memory of her. One of my cartoonier gags but it’s one I’m weirdly fond of even if it means Mimi has been fairly one-note over the years in her few appearances.  Her appearance here and now was just a decision to just flesh out the world a little - clarify that Brianna does actually have a few other members of staff, she doesn’t run the The Cubby all by herself like some sort of cartoon character. So... yeah, it’s ironic that I used such a cartooney joke to illustrate this, lol.

Barely trivia for my long-time followers, but she is wearing earrings of my childhood character Frogy, who has cameo’d a couple other times in Cammie so far.

#120 - Sea

I don’t THINK I planned out this whole beach arc from the start - I just figured I’d think of beach stuff to make jokes about as I went. In addition, considering they live in a seaside town, I felt a need to address why the beach hadn’t shown up as a location more often now that we were 100 comics strong. I remember thinking how incredibly dumb I was for forgetting what happened to Cammie in the only other comic set at the beach to date at this point.

Getting the realistic seagull close-up’s vacant expression JUST right took a while, I remember. I was literally adjusting at the pixel-level to find what I thought was the exact funniest middleground between an intimidating piercing stare in Cammie’s direction and an utterly threatless vacant expression.

#121 - Nostalgic

Bri gets nostalgic of younger days. Boy I sure hope she doesn’t ruin anyone’s summer trip with this nonsense in about 200 comics time!

The last three panels deliberately mirror the earlier flashback comic of young Bri and Cam:

#122 - Kind

Another case where I was showing sentiments of Vienna being into history without wanting to draw too much attention to it either - just let it be a subtle character thing. Can you believe that giving your OCs interests other than your own means you have to RESEARCH stuff? I had to find out some details about medieval castles to make sure Vi’s was close to historically accurate, but the more interesting thing to research would be how on earth she made all that detail with a children’s beach bucket and spade.

#123 - Evening

Nothing too much to say about this one! I just wanted to draw this as a scene, and came up with the joke in the process. It’s funny how establishing a running gag makes a comic like this feel like a gimme in retrospect, but this was actually the comic that made the gag running - prior to this, Cammie had only had one unfortunate fire encounter in #53.

#124 - September

And the “Cammie and friends go to the beach” arc ends with a little “Webcomic Time” trope joke. It’s been done bunch of times before, my spin on it was tying it into the fact that time really does fly like that when you’re an adult, actually!  And of course I bookend with another Mimi joke - beyond just being a memorable character, this incredibly memorable unseen storyline centered around her apparently happened during the part of the year the comic didn’t cover and Cammie can’t remember that either.

I did always plan to keep the story of that day as a potential bonus content type dealie if I ever reach a time where I can afford to make bonus content as well as the main comic!  It’d spoil the joke of everything Mimi-related being so off-camera of course but... I haven’t written off ever covering it just for the sake of preserving the joke in this one comic.  Maybe one day we’ll find out what happened, but don’t worry too much about it if not, I think Mimi came out of it just fine.  Well, maybe.

[More Chamomile Comic Trivia] (Above link may not work correctly on tumblr app)  

#jezmm #chamomile comic trivia #art insight

[stories-me]

Potential Character for Mrs. Kelsey and Tumblr 3/13/2023: 

 The Beyonder, Bother from Beyond Time and Space: 

 Appearance: (See above). 

Background: 

(Note: Not all of this happened) 

Compared to the rest of his kind (an extraordinarily powerful species from beyond time and space), the Beyonder is a child. He has described himself as “all-powerful” and “all-knowing” (though he would prefer not to be referred to as a “wizard”, feeling it “undersells” him), but just because he’s all-knowing doesn’t mean he understands everything he knows. 

He is tasked to study planets and their populations, eradicating them if he deems them unnecessary (to the dismay of his own species. They do not approve of that). Because of this, he was punished by being “compelled” to study Earth and its species. He immediately sought out the smartest person on the planet, Lunella “Moon Girl” Lafayette, to help him understand humanity. 

After observing Lunella from behind the scenes, he revealed himself to her and her friends, Devil Dinosaur and Casey Calderon, but she interrupted him before he could explain his job. While venting about a kid she had been partnered with for the science fair, Eduardo, Lunella accidentally convinced the Beyonder to erase humanity. Lunella protested this and the Beyonder promised to spare them if she won the science fair with Eduardo (her “useless” partner). At the fair, the Beyonder turned Lunella’s project into pickles for doing it without Eduardo, forcing her and Eduardo to come up with a last-minute project together. It failed and the Beyonder seemingly erased humanity (sparing only Lunella and Devil Dinosaur); only to bring everything back. According to the Beyonder, watching Lunella and Eduardo both contribute to create something satisfied him. He then left, but affirmed that he was going to continue watching humanity. 

Later, during the Breakout (an event where every super-prison on the planet suddenly suffered simultaneous mass jailbreaks), Lunella spotted him watching the whole thing like he was at the movies (complete with movie theater-style chair, bucket of popcorn, and soda). He informed Lunella that this mess “wasn’t his fault”, though it DID interest him. He then introduced Lunella to “Mickey”, his “senior partner” in watching humanity, who was also keeping an eye on him (and who was handcuffed to him), as due to his previous actions, he was “on parole”. He then bade Lunella “good luck” at helping stop the Breakout, conjuring a giant foam finger reading “Moon Girl’s #1!” 

How he is like me: 

We both like music, and can be a little “funny” in behavior. In addition, we both know a lot of things, but don’t always understand what we know. Explanations can help with me, as do reviews of the material. In addition, when dealing with a problem, dealing with it by getting mad or frustrated will NOT solve it. 

#I Have Autism #Autism Blog #I #Have #Autism #Stories-Me #Stories #Me #Fan Fictions #Fan Fiction #Fan #Fiction #Fictions #The Beyonder #Bother From Beyond Time And Space #The #Beyonder #Bother #From #Beyond #Time #And #Space #How He Is Like Me #How #He #Is #Like #Moon Girl And Devil Dinosaur #Moon

[wiypt-writes]

Riding On

Ch24: The Wheel Fell Off

Summary: There are some perks to having your own, personal mechanic…and Fliss isn’t the only one who notices.

Warnings: Bad language.

Pairing: Frank Adler x OFC Fliss Gallagher

A/N: So I gotta give a shout out to @sweater-daddiesdumbdork​  as she came up with a few gems of dialogue for this!

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this series bar Fliss Gallagher and the other OCs. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Riding On Masterlist // Main Masterlist

Chapter 23

And the wonder of it all is that you don’t realise how much I love you.

July 2020

Frank looked around at the team assembled in his office for the daily Stand-Up and nodded. “Okay, so I’ve nothing else to add, anyone got any other business before I call it?”

“Are we far behind on the repair time KPI for the Dolphin Tour fleet?” Mick, the finance manager looked at Frank and he shook his head.

“No, a day or so. Tim says he’ll have made the time back by Friday so we’re good.” Frank replied. “I’m not concerned. It shouldn’t have an impact on the incentivisation payments”

Mick nodded and Frank waited for a second. When no one else spoke, he dismissed the team and turned to his computer, leaning over to check the rest of the meetings and tasks for the day. He was midway through a very complicated spreadsheet detailing incoming repairs and timescales when his phone rang.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He greeted Fliss, leaning back in his chair a little. “Everything okay?”

“Yes, well, no. I was in the menage harrowing the surface and the wheel fell off the Quad Bike.”

“What do you mean the wheel fell off?” Frank pulled a face, scratching at his temple.

“Well, you know how it had four wheels? Now it has three,” came the sarcastic response.

“Dickhead.” Frank shot back and Fliss’ laughter hit his ears.

“Well, what did you think I meant?”

“You know what, I’m sorry I asked.” He rolled his eyes. “I suppose that means you want me to come fix it?”

“Yeah but it can wait until later if you’re busy, we managed to get it out of the way. Dad’s here snagging the extension to the tack room so he had a look and he says the bolt has sheared off so he can’t put it back on without a spare and I don’t know if you have any lying about in your Man Cave.”

“I will do from when we changed the wheels last year.” Frank clicked into his calendar to double check his schedule and smiled. “I’ve got no meetings this afternoon so I’ll come home at lunch. I can do the stock inventory at home.”

“My hero.”

“You know, if you carry on being sarcastic you can shove it up your ass.”

“I wasn’t being sarcastic!” Fliss laughed. “You know I love the fact that you can fix all this shit for me.”

“No you love the fact I get filthy fixing all that shit for you.”

“Well yeah, that’s one upside to you being good with your hands.”

“One?” Frank grinned, leaning back in his chair. “So there’s more?”

“You know it Sailor. I gotta go babe, my next client is here but I’ll see you soon, and if you can’t don’t worry it’ll wait.”

“I’ll sort it. Love you, sweetheart.”

“You too.”

True to his word, Frank left the office at midday giving his team the instruction to call his cell if needed. Once home, he parked up, headed inside to change out of his office attire and pulled on a pair of worn, light jeans and a t-shirt. Once done, he grabbed his shades, went into his work shop and picked up his tool box along with a couple of spare bolts and wandered over to the yard. As he walked, he stopped for a moment to take in the building work and smiled. The extension to the office and tack room area was complete, giving Fliss a huge extra space to organise all her tack and equipment. The paint and plastering had been completed a few days before and the fittings had all been finalised yesterday which was what Bill was in there snagging, making sure it was all as they’d specified. The storage units and racks were all on order and due to arrive at some point tomorrow so Frank knew he’d most likely be busy fitting them in the evening, not that he minded. He loved being able to be involved and help out.

The diggers were in place, hollowing out the additional riding paddock at the bottom of the yard, this one slightly smaller than the current one, but would give more than enough additional space for people to ride, and the hedge along the bottom field had been cleared to lead out to the additional three acres of grassy space they had acquired, with a new gravel path to be laid as a walkway once the post and rail fencing was done. They’d also asked for trenches to be dug for water pipes to avoid the stable hands having to lug buckets and tanks up to the horses.

All in all, it was coming along really well and on schedule, the whole thing set to be completed by the beginning of August, well in time for their wedding, which was now just ten weeks away.

Frank made his way onto the main yard, Fliss waving at him from where she was teaching in the paddock and he waved back, wandering into the newly-constructed building as Bill was busy pointing to something on the wall.

“Yeah, that needs patching up.” He nodded as the guy besides him produced a packet of small stickers in the shape of yellow dots. He placed one on the area Bill was clearly not satisfied with and Frank looked around, noticing a number of them in various places in the room. Bill glanced over at him and smiled. “Hey, son.”

“How picky ya being, Bill?” Frank smirked and Bill let out a snort.

“Nah, the actual building and electrical fittings are all sound.” He gave a nod. “This is just cosmetic. The door frame is chipped, this plaster here is rough and there’s some patches where it’s too thin but other than that it’s good.”

“I’m glad you’re doing this as I wouldn’t have noticed any of that.” Frank mused, leaning in a little closer to examine what it was that Bill had spotted, and the older man shook his head.

“Well, I have over thirty years in the trade and my eyes are still pretty sharp.” Bill chuckled. “Anyway, what are you doing here? Don’t tell me she dragged you out of work to fix that Quad!”

“It’s no problem. Got nothing on this afternoon so I can work from home.”

“She’s got you wrapped round her little finger.” Bill shook his head and Frank arched an eyebrow.

“I could say the same for you.” He accused. “And with Mary too for that matter. And Verity. You’re a soft ass for your girls, Bill and you know it.”

Bill shrugged. “Guilty as charged. Some would argue I’m a soft ass for my boys too, all of you.”

Frank smiled back, his neck feeling a little warm as the sentiment of Bill’s words sunk in and he took a deep breath and jerked his head towards the door. “I best go do what I came to do before her majesty accuses me of slacking.”

Bill chuckled. “It’s in the barn,” he informed, waving him away and Frank emerged out into the hot, midday July sun and strode round to the rear of the yard. The Quad bike and offending wheel were indeed stored in the barn, which was slightly cooler than the outside and Frank dropped his tool bag to the floor before he knelt down to take a look. Bill had been right, the bolt had snapped but it was an easy fix.

Or so he thought.

Ten minutes later, after a lot of cursing, heaving and straining he’d finally managed to work the broken bolt loose. Standing up, he cracked his neck and back, tossing the broken item into his bag with a contemptuous glare as he wiped his sweaty forehead and reached for the wheel. Thankfully, that was easy and took him two minutes to fit, and once he was happy it was sorted he pushed the quadbike out to make sure it was on properly.

“Did you fix it?” A small voice asked him and Frank glanced up to see a little girl, who can’t have been much older than four, stood looking at him as she grinned, her dark pigtails poking out from underneath a cap.

“Sure did.” He smiled.

“It was funny when it fell off.” She giggled. “Fliss screamed and then she swore.”

Frank snorted. “Yeah, she has a potty mouth.”

“Alicia!” A woman spoke and Frank turned to glance up at a slim, dark haired lady, dressed in a pair of bright, beige jodhpurs and a tight, baby-blue polo shirt, both items of clothing looking like they’d never come into contact with a horse at all. “Don’t run off!”

“I just wanted to see if the wheel was back on.” The little girl protested and the woman rolled her eyes.

“I’m sorry.” She smiled, flashing off a set of perfect white teeth from behind a set of glossed lips. “She’s so nosey.”

“Kids for ya.” Frank smiled, shaking his head.

“Don’t I know it?” She laughed, a perfectly manicured hand flying to her chest as Frank straightened up, wiping his hands on the back of his loose fitting, slightly grubby jeans. At that point, Joanne came round the back of the barn and she smiled.

“You ready for your lesson, Leesh?” She looked at the little girl who gave a cheer. “Come on then, Fliss is waiting.”

“This is the best Phys-Ed ever!” The little girl grinned and shot off after Joanne.

“Phys Ed.” Her mom rolled her eyes. “Damned private tutor education. I swear, I could kill my ex-husband for suggesting this.”

“You don’t ride yourself then, I take it?” Frank asked and she shook her head.

“No, but when she decided she wanted to, I thought I should make an effort. I think it’s what they refer to in the business as possessing all the gear, but having no idea.”

Frank gave her a smile. “Yeah, well, when my girl decided she wanted to learn I wasn’t particularly keen either but, well, she’s hooked now.”

“Oh, your girl rides too?” The woman flicked her hair back over her shoulder and Frank studied her for a moment, her painted on eyebrows and heavily bronzed face arranged into a genuine look of interest. He realised then that she had absolutely no idea who he was. “Does she do that here?”

“Yeah, you could say that.” He chuckled.

“Huh.” The woman scanned him up and down a little, her eyes blatantly flicking to his left hand. “Maybe it isn’t such a bad thing coming here after all.”

Frank took a deep breath, recognising the flirting for what it was and he gave her a little smile. “Well, I better get on.” He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. “I’m sure Fliss has a list of a hundred other jobs for me to so.”

“So, are you like her mechanic or something?” The woman continued and Frank looked at her, his face remaining straight.

“Something.” He gave her another nod and moved to walk back onto the yard, trying not to laugh.

“Oh, well, we’re new here. We’ve not been here long. I’m Michelle.” She offered, following him.

“Nice to meet you, Michelle.” He looked back over his shoulder as she paused a few steps behind him.

“I err, I didn’t catch your name.”

“That’s because I didn’t give it to you.” He stopped, turning to look at her, a smirk flicking across his face. She bit her lip and grinned back.

“Are you gonna?”

At that Frank let out a bark of a laugh. “Frank. Frank Adler.”

“Nice to meet you, Frank.”

“You too.” He smiled politely, as he slid his aviators back down from the top of his head onto his eyes, before he realised they were dirty. Taking them off he pulled the bottom of his shirt up slightly to wipe at the lens and when he returned them to his face he caught Michelle’s focus was still on his waist line. Her eyes flicked up to his and she shrugged a little.

“Sorry.” She wrinkled her nose. “Can’t blame a girl for looking, huh?”

Frank blinked, glad his eyes were hidden, a little shocked at her forthcoming nature, before he let out a snort.

“Well I’ve done my fair share of looking in the past, not any more though. My fiancée would have my balls hung up on the wall.”

“Oh, erm, sorry, I didn’t, wow.” She blinked and ran her hand through her glossy hair. “That’s embarrassing.”

Frank shrugged. “I’ve been in far worse situations, believe me.” With that he turned, and as he began to walk along the side of the paddock he looked up to see Fliss was watching him over the fence, her hands on her hips. Her eyes were hidden behind her wrap-arounds but he could tell from her demeanour she wasn’t best pleased. With a groan he approached the white post and rail that ran round the ménage and leaned on it.

“Hey.”

“Hey.” Her tone was friendly enough, despite her frosty body language, as she walked over towards him. “You get it fixed?”

“Yeah, took me a while to get the bolt off but it’s all good.”

“Thanks.” She slid her hat up a little and wiped at her brow with the back of her arm. “Fuck, its warm today.”

“Well, take your clothes off.” Frank grinned. “It’ll help you cool down.”

“Pervert.” She snorted, before she nodded behind him. “I see you met Kim.”

“Kim?” Frank frowned. “She said her name was Michelle.”

“Yeah, but Joanne calls her Kim Kardashian.” Fliss wrinkled her nose. “On account of the botox and fake boobs.”

“You two are bitches.” Frank scoffed and Fliss shrugged, before he frowned. “Hang on, her boobs are fake?”

“Keep talking, Sailor.” Fliss slid her glasses down and glared at him over the rims and he let out a laugh.

“Baby, I’m joking.” He looked at her and she gave a hum as she pushed them back up her nose as he leaned over the fence a little. “Come ‘ere.”

Fliss stepped towards him and Frank dropped his head to press his lips to hers. “Love you, baby.” He ginned, flashing her his best cheeky grin.

“You can’t get round me that easy.” She shot back and Frank shrugged.

“Who says I’m trying to get round you?”

“I know you, Adler.” She scoffed, stepping back. “Look, I gotta get on so I’ll see you at home. You wanna pick Alex up tonight?”

“Sure, I’ll get him. Is Mary getting the bus home from Summer Camp?”

“Yeah, I told her one of us would pick her up but she insisted.” Fliss shrugged and Frank smiled.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a couple of hours then.”

“Yeah, love you.”

“You too.”

*****

It was gone five before Fliss had finished at the yard. She’d hardly had time to breathe, let alone think about what she’d seen that morning, but that said, it was there, nagging in the back of her brain. She bid Joanne a good night, before she headed down the little path to the house. She was hot, sticky, uncomfortable and ready for a cool shower and a very large glass of white wine. As she walked down the drive, she passed her newly acquired white Hyundai SUV and stopped as she caught her reflection in the tinted rear mirror.

“Oh, Jesus.” She mumbled, moving closer to take a better look. Her skin was the colour of a fucking beet, her hair was all over the place from where she’d removed her cap and tossed it on her desk, her polo shirt was full of all sorts of stains and she was pretty sure she could smell herself and her riding britches were hung a little low on her hips, her soft stomach visible beneath the tight cotton of her top.

And then, from nowhere, came the image of fucking Michelle and her fucking size two figure, with her fucking perfect tits, model smile, stupidly glossy hair, and impeccable eyebrows and straight nose…

Fliss hastily pulled her pony tail out, fluffed out her sweat-damp hair and retied it, before she smoothed down her top as best she could and headed into their yard and through to the utility room, Thor trotting behind her.

“Hey!” Frank greeted her from where he was led on the rug, building some form of tower out of a set of large, brightly coloured blocks as Alex sat next to him, his little hands curling round a few of the bricks. The baby looked round and made an excited noise at the sight of his momma, and shuffled a little onto his knees and hands, crawling towards her.

“Frank, I stink.” She held her hands up in warning and Frank hastily rose, quickly picking Alex up off the floor before he could get much further towards her.

“A little dirt won’t hurt him.” He shrugged.

“Yeah, but I look and feel like I’ve been rolling on the muck heap all day so I’m going straight for a shower.”

Frank chuckled as she gave Alex a quick kiss on the head, moving out of his way before he could grab hold of her. “Well, I think you wear the dirty, stable hand look well, Honey.”

“Sure.” She rolled her eyes. “I’ll be back down in ten, do you mind starting dinner? I was gonna do a quick chicken salad.”

“Course.” Frank nodded, looking at her for a moment and she simply smiled back.

She could feel Frank’s eyes burning into her back as she headed out of the family room into the hallway, trudging up the stairs. As soon as she was in their bedroom she stripped off her sticky, dirty clothes, tossed them onto the floor and climbed straight into the shower, turning it to an adequate temperature. Tipping her face up into the stream she let the lukewarm water cool her slightly, as she blinked back tears of frustration.

Michelle had at least had the good grace to look a little sheepish when she’d realised exactly who Frank was, but fuck, it had still pissed Fliss off to the point she’d wanted to smash her face straight into the floor. And more to the point, Fliss felt annoyed that it had riled her the way it had. It wasn’t exactly like it was an unusual occurrence, everywhere they went Frank seemed to attract female attention, he was gorgeous, but today had been on her home turf, somewhere she was Queen Bee, and to have someone else buzzing around her hive in such a way made her feel uneasy.

Real uneasy.

With a deep breath she washed her hair, sorted herself out and turned off the shower before she wrapped herself in a towel and headed back into the bedroom. As she was brushing out her hair, her phone went off and she picked it up, snorting at the message from Steve which showed a baby-grow with the words, “party at my crib, 3am, bring a bottle,” on the front. She sent him a quick response, pondering for a moment at just how fast Sian’s latest pregnancy seemed to have gone, she was approaching her sixth month now, and seemed to be glowing just as she had with the twins. Mary had been very happy when they’d announced they were expecting another boy, declaring proudly that made her Bill’s only granddaughter, something which, according to her, made her special.

And of course, none of them had corrected her, because it was the truth.

Tapping her nails lightly against the surface of the vanity unit, Fliss scrolled down to her message conversations and found the one to Bonnie, sending her a quick text to ask if she was free. She set about her quick face care routine, before she braided her damp hair, and then her phone began to ring.

“Hey!” Bonnie greeted her. “I’m driving so thought I’d call you…erm, I’m not doing anything in particular, why?”

“Well, I know Si’s outta town on business so I wondered if you fancied company for a few hours?” Fliss replied, keeping the details as sketchy as she could. “Me and a bottle of white? God knows I could do with one after today.”

“That bad huh?” Bonnie chuckled. “Sure why not. I’m not working tomorrow after all. Did I tell you I had many weeks off?”

“You might have mentioned it.” Fliss replied, laughing a little. “You teachers have an easy ride.”

“Fuck you.” Bonnie shot back and Fliss snorted.

“I’m joking, well I’ve no lessons until later tomorrow so I can have a few.” Fliss scratched at her temple. “What time works for you?”

“Well, I’m just on my way to have dinner at my mom’s so, I can pick you up on the way back?” Bonnie offered. “Be about seven ish?”

“Perfect.” Fliss smiled.

“Awesome. We can get down to some Hen Party planning!” Bonnie’s voice was laced with excitement. “I found this awesome villa in Miami that will accommodate everyone.”

“Can’t wait to see it.” Fliss smiled.

After a little more conversation, Fliss placed her phone back down and dressed in a pair of denim shorts, a khaki green boat necked short-sleeved top and shoved her feet into a pair of flip-flops. She took another look in the mirror, scowling once more at her reflection, before she rolled her eyes and headed downstairs.

She walked into the family room and smiled as she saw Mary was sat on a stool at the island whilst Alex was sat in his high chair, munching on a piece of cucumber. Frank was busy tossing things into a salad bowl, and he turned to smile at her as she greeted them all, dropping a kiss to Mary’s head, then Alex’s in turn.

“Feeling better?” Frank asked as she slid her arms round his waist, pressing her face into his t-shirt.

“Yeah, much. God, it was disgustingly hot out there today.”

“Yeah, that’s one thing I don’t miss about working on boats, the lack of air conditioning.” Frank chuckled as she stepped back and moved to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of wine.

“My face feels burnt, but I don’t know how that’s possible.” She shook her head, thanking Frank as he reached into the cupboard and pulled down a glass for her. “I had a cap and shades on.”

“It doesn’t look too red.” He looked at her and she took a large gulp of wine, giving a satisfied sigh.

“Been waiting for that all afternoon.” She closed her eyes, savouring the taste before she opened them again. “Oh, that reminds me, I’m going over to Bonnie’s later, just for a couple of hours. Hen Do planning, that okay?”

“Course it is.” Frank nodded. “You want me to drop you off?”

“No, she’s at her mum’s so she’s going to come get me. I can Uber back.”

“I’ll pick you up.” Frank looked at her. “We can take the kids and Thor down to the beach for a little flashlight walk on the way back.”

“Flashlight walk?” Mary suddenly spoke, excitement lacing her tone. “The last time we did that it was so cool, we saw all those hermit crabs and the dolphins!”

“Don’t be so nosey.” Frank looked at her and she shrugged.

“You weren’t exactly whispering.”

He rolled his eyes and turned to Fliss who chuckled. “Sure, sounds good. I won’t be long, just a few hours.”

Frank shrugged. “Doesn’t matter, not like Mary needs to be up early and Alex will probably sleep the entire time anyway if he’s in the carrier.”

She gave him a small nod before she set about helping Frank with their dinner. It wasn’t long before it was ready, and they decided to eat outside. Mary chatted away, filling them all in on what she’d done at Summer camp, Frank listening, but all the time keeping one eye on Fliss who seemed to be taking it all in, but wasn’t saying much.

They finished, cleared their dishes away and Mary headed upstairs for a little while, whilst Fliss took Alex for his bath before she brought him back down, ready for bed to give him his bottle which Frank had ready.

She passed him over as Frank made his way to the sofa, dropping down to feed their baby, and Fliss watched for a moment, before her phone beeped.

“Bonnie’s outside.” Fliss stuck it back in her pocket and turned to Frank as he gently shifted Alex so he was a little more comfortable, his small hands curled around the bottle as he drank his milk.

“She not coming in?”

“No point, we’re only going straight back out.”

“Right.” Frank nodded as glanced back down at Alex. “Are you okay?” He asked, looking up at her and Fliss nodded back, a little too quickly, the way she always did when she was trying to hide something and Frank took a deep breath. “Liss…”

“I’m fine.” She shook her head. “Just a little wiped after today, that’s all.”  Frank sighed and Fliss narrowed her eyes as she turned towards the kitchen. “Don’t sigh at me like that.”

“I’m not sighing at you like anything.” He replied as she pulled out a bottle of wine to take with her. “Just wish you’d tell me what the problem is.”

“I don’t have a problem.” Fliss rolled her eyes. “I’m just going to Bonnie’s for a few hours. Is my life that sad that whenever I socialise it always has to be because I have a problem?”

“I didn’t say that.” Frank replied, calmly.

“Good, because that’s not why I’m going.”

Knowing he was beat, and that if he pushed it any further they were going to end up in a full scale argument, Frank nodded. “Okay then. Have fun, call me when you’re done.”

Fliss blinked, almost as if she was waiting for him to push her again, before she simply shrugged and leaned over to gently run her finger down Alex’s chubby cheek. She then turned to Frank gave him a quick kiss.

“Love you.” He pressed his lips to hers a little deeper, before she stepped back and he was pleased to see her smiling.

“Love you too.”

Frank watched her go, taking a deep breath as he glanced back down at his son. A few minutes later, Mary bounded into the room and Frank looked up at her.

“Did you hear back from the vets, you know about Cleo?” She asked.

“Yup.” Frank grinned, “wanna read the email?”

“Dur!” She grinned and Frank pulled his phone out form his pocket, scrolling with one hand to the email that had arrived earlier that afternoon before he handed it to her.

“Dear Mr Adler,” Mary read, “I’m pleased to inform you that Sandybrook Cleopatra has passed her five-stage-vetting, bla bla bla,” she skipped on a few lines, “negative worm count, negative for equine influenza, rhino-erm, what’s that?”

“Pneumonitis” Frank read as she turned the screen to him. “I’ve got no idea, some disease, obviously.”

“And Streptococcus Equi, oh I know that one. That’s strangles.” Mary nodded.

“Whatever you say, Stack.” Frank smiled.

“As such, please see attached the completed and fully executed Export Health Certificate. Upon arrival in the USA, your animal will require a further three days quarantine which you must organise ….bla bla bla!” Mary grinned up at him as she handed him his phone back. “So that’s it?”

“Yup!” Frank nodded, as he glanced down at Alex who was now turning away from his bottle, signalling he was done. ”Everything’s done, Jo’s sorted the stuff with Department of Agriculture at this end, el ponio is being collected by the UK transporter tomorrow morning and will be on a flight later that evening.” He paused to rearrange Alex over his shoulder to burp him. “So, if all goes according to plan, she’ll be arriving here after her quarantine mid-afternoon on Fliss’ birthday.” He nodded, before he mumbled. “Thirteen thousand bucks lighter.”

“Thirteen thousand!” Mary spluttered. “Holy shit!”

“Hey, watch your mouth.” Frank looked at her sternly as Alex gave a loud burp. Frank turned his head to look at him. “Better out than in, Bean.”

“Sorry but, Dad, that’s a lot of money. I thought they did you a deal and knocked half off her price because it was Fliss?”

“They did.” He shrugged as he stood and carried Alex over to his pack and play. “She still cost me three. The rest is the cost of the vetting and the transport. But, Poppa B and Nanny V have said they only want half back and Uncle Steeb is chucking in a couple of hundred towards it, so it’s kind of like a joint present.”

“She’s worth it!” Mary grinned and Frank chuckled, heading to kitchen area.

“The horse or Fliss?”

“Mom, of course.” Mary scoffed, hopping up onto a stool at the breakfast bar.

“She sure is.” Frank agreed as he opened the fridge. “But I’ll be telling her that’s her birthday this year, birthday next year, Christmas and first wedding anniversary present all rolled into one.”

“First anniversary?” Mary looked at him. “You ain’t even married yet!”

“I know but now I don’t have to think about buying her anything for like twelve months.” He shrugged, smirking to himself as he leaned down for a bottle of beer, knowing he was talking utter shit. There was no way that was gonna fly, and he didn’t even want to try for the simple reason he loved buying Fliss stuff that made her smile. Still, it was fun trying to watch Mary decide if he was joking or not.

“What about Mother’s Day?” She asked after a moment.

“She aint my mom,” Frank looked at her, “as the eldest the responsibility for that falls to you.” He twisted the lid off the beer as Mary narrowed her eyes. “You want a beer?” He waved the bottle at Mary.

“Really?” Her eyes grew wide.

“No, just wanted to see how much crap I could tell you that you’d actually believe.” He smirked. Mary blinked, before she let out a low groan, realising she’d been had.

“You’re such an idiot.” She shook her head, and Frank watched, chuckling to himself as she bent down, picked Fred up and stalked to her Den, Thor hot on her tail.

*****

“So, I thought,” Bonnie grinned, turning the laptop to face Fliss as they sat at her kitchen table, “that this one sounds perfect. It sleeps up to twelve, has a pool, hot tub, is a short walk to the beach, not far from down-town and also literally a five minute walk to the hotel we stayed in, where we can get a really good deal on a Day-Spa package. And, we can also get someone in on the Saturday to do a grill and cocktails for us, if that’s what you wanna do.”

Fliss gave a small smile, and Bonnie frowned. “Or, not. Sorry, is it not what you wanted? I thought-“ Fliss sighed, her hand laying on Bonnie’s arm. “No, that…” she took a deep breath and smiled, “it sounds perfect, Bonnie. Honestly it does.”

“So, why are you making me feel like I’ve given you a dog turd on a plate and told you it’s your dinner?”

At that Fliss choked on the mouthful of wine she’d taken and looked at her best friend. “You know, for a teacher, you really have a way with words.”

Bonnie chuckled, as Fliss shook her head. “I’m sorry, it’s not you. I’m just feeling a little…actually, I don’t know what I’m feeling. Pissed off, maybe?”

“Why, what’s happened?” Bonnie looked at her.

“Just…oh, you know what, it’s nothing.” Fliss brushed it off, necking the remainder of the wine in her bottle. “Can I get a top up?”

“I’ll get it.” Bonnie nodded and stood up from the table. A moment or two later she returned, and held the bottle up. “You speak, and I’ll pour.”

Fliss blinked, realising she wasn’t going to get away with it, so she sat back and blurted everything out. How she’d felt seeing Frank with the bimbo at the yard, how she was feeling a little insecure over how she looked because she’d once upon a time been that groomed, perfect looking person. And the more she talked, the more tumbled out about how she felt sometimes that Frank was way out of her league before Bonnie shook her head and cut her off.

“Are you listening to yourself?” She scoffed. “Jesus Christ, I haven’t heard anyone talk this much shit since Simon told me he was gonna run a marathon.”

“Hey, you asked what was wrong.” Fliss looked at her, her temper flashing a little. “I’m just telling you!”

“Yeah, and I’m just telling you, you’re a fucking moron.” Bonnie shook her head. “Fliss, you’re beautiful. Honestly, like, if I have kids and end up with your figure after, I’ll be over the moon. But that aside, Frank loves YOU. Not the way you look, or the way your hair is styled, or the way your eyebrows are painted on, he loves you.”

“I know.” Fliss nodded, sniffing a little. “I know he does, and I know he’d never cheat on me, I get that. I just, oh I don’t know, I don’t know why I feel like this. I can’t explain it.”

Bonnie side eyed Fliss as she topped her glass up before she sat down at the table, taking a deep breath. “Do you think this has anything to do with your ex?”

Fliss frowned, shaking her head. “Why would you think that?”

“Well, you told me he used to put you down about how you looked, compared you to other women he, well, fucked behind your back.” Bonnie trailed off. “I don’t know, I was just thinking maybe that deep in your mind, you kinda still think you should have a face caked in make-up and boobs pushed up to your chin.”

Fliss gave a snort at Bonnie’s description before she shrugged. “I don’t feel like that, not really. I’ve never bothered about anything like that whilst I’ve been with Frank. But something about her just pissed me off, more so because she was doing it right there in my own back fucking yard.” Fliss took another slug of wine before she bit her lip. “Maybe you’re right, maybe it’s because she reminds me of that past life.” She tapped her nails against her glass. “But, I was fucking miserable, and now I’m not, so why would I even bother about some bimbo flirting with my man? It’s not like he did anything or was gonna.”

“So, basically, we’ve come to the conclusion that this woman is a tramp and you’re an idiot.” Bonnie nodded and despite herself, Fliss laughed.

“Yeah, sounds about right.”

“Hmm,” Bonnie sipped her wine. “Okay, I’m glad we got that sorted.” She took another sip before she gently reached out and squeezed Fliss hand. “You got nothing to worry about. Frank adores you, to be honest, me and Simon always say it’s kinda gross the way he’s always like looking at you with stupid doe eyes or touching you whenever he can.”

Fliss smiled, a fond look crossing her face as she knew what Bonnie was saying was true. Any chance Frank got he would touch or cuddle her, and it was never in a dominant way like it had been with John, it was because he simply wanted to, it was his love language. “Yeah, he’s touchy.”

Bonnie smiled and sat back as Fliss took a deep breath. “But you should talk to him, tell him how you feel.”

Fliss shrugged. “Maybe, like you said, I’m being an idiot.” She gave her friend another smile before she nodded back towards the laptop. “But, now for the fun stuff. Show me what you got planned for our weekend of debauchery in Miami, Maid Of Honor!”

**** It was a little before ten when Fliss called Frank to say she was ready for pick up if he still wanted to come get her, which was a dumb question, because of course he did. He packed the kids into the car, and drove the fifteen minutes or so to Bonnie’s and Fliss clambered into the passenger seat, her cheeks flushed a little from the wine. After giving him a quick kiss, she turned to smile at Mary who beamed at her, her head torch already in position, Thor’s flashing light up collar sitting pretty around his neck as he perched in the middle seat between her and Alex who was in the baby chair, fast asleep.

They drove down to the Public Access, the same stretch of beach they would be married on in a matter of weeks, and all climbed out, Frank gently settling Alex in the carrier that hung over his chest before he offered Fliss his hand and they headed onto the moonlit sand. They walked in silence for a while, the air finally cooled enough to be enjoyable, Mary running ahead of them, Thor gambolling in and out of the waves, giving a little bark of enjoyment as he chased the surf.

“He’s gonna be soaked when he gets back in the truck.” Frank groaned and Fliss laughed.

“Should have come in mine, he could have sat in the trunk.”

“He can ride home on the flatbed.”

“Don’t you dare.” Fliss nudged Frank with her elbow and he chuckled, his arm sliding round her shoulder as he pressed a kiss to her head.

“You gonna tell me what’s bothering you now?” Frank asked as they continued to stroll up the beach.

“Nothing.”

“Lissy.” Frank spoke sternly and stopped to face her. She let out a sigh, her hand reaching up to smooth over Alex’s hair as he lay slumped against his dad’s chest.

“I’m being an idiot, I know that. But seeing you before, at the yard I just…”

It was Frank’s turn to sigh as he shook his head. “Honey, I-“

“No, I know what you’re gonna say but, I just, well, she was there looking like a fucking model and then there was me, and I used to be that size, and I used to be that person, that looked half decent, you know? I can’t remember the last time I actually wore any form of make-up bar a bit of tinted moisturiser or mascara, or when I last straightened my hair, let alone painted on my damned eyebrows! And then she’s flirting with you flashing her perfect teeth, and her perfect fake boobs and her line free brow and plump lips, all full of fillers and botox and-“

“You want Botox?” Frank cut her off mid rant and Fliss let out a groan.

“No I don’t want fucking Botox, Frank!”

“Well shut up talking about it then!” He laughed. “Look, I don’t want that fake shit either. Do I look like the type of guy who wants someone who is just one step away from being a Malibu Barbie? Fuck that!”

“You look like the type of guy who should want a Malibu Barbie.” Fliss replied, somewhat sullenly. “You don’t see the looks you get every time we go out.”

Frank rolled his eyes. “Whatever. You know, girls like that are ten a penny down on the boardwalk. But you’re the one I took sailing.” “Thanks a backhanded compliment.” Fliss narrowed her eyes and Frank laughed, cupping her face in his hands.

“Look, Sweetheart, I love you.” He shrugged simply. “Because you’re beautiful, inside and out and because you’re my Lissy.” He pulled her face up to meet his, placing a soft kiss to her lips, his nose sliding against hers.

“I know, I’m sorry.” She sighed. “I wasn’t mad at you, just feeling a little low I suppose.”

“You know I get it too.” Frank smiled, dropping his hands to take hers. “You think I don’t notice the looks you get when we go out?”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.” Frank assured her as he entwined their fingers together. “But I don’t care. Because I know you’re mine, and I’m yours. So please don’t think for a second I’d even think about anyone else that way.”

He dropped a soft, slow, deep kiss to her lips and when she pulled back, she smiled.

“Sorry, I know, I was being an idiot.”

“Yeah.” He nodded in agreement and she chuckled as he returned his arm to round her shoulders and they continued walking, the sound of the waves against the shore a perfect back drop to Mary’s excited shouts and Thor’s little barks.

“When you said you said you wouldn’t think about anyone…” She started and Frank was pleased to note her voice was full of mischief, his playful Lissy was back.

“Well,” he wrinkled his nose, shrugging a little, “maybe if Rihanna came knocking then I’d have to give it some serious consideration.”

“To be fair I’d give it some serious consideration, too.” Fliss mused and Frank arched a brow, teasingly as he looked down at her.

“Yeah?”

“Damned straight. I’d do her, she’s hot.” Fliss shrugged and Frank’s face split into a dirty grin as he stopped them both, using the arm round her shoulder to spin her into him as best he could with their son placed between them.

“Now there’s an image!” His voice was loaded with suggestiveness and Fliss laughed as his lips brushed hers.

“Pervert.” She whispered, her hand once more sweeping over the back of their sleeping baby’s head.

“Only for you.” He smiled, before he looked up, considering something. “And Rihanna.”

**** Chapter 25

#riding on #frank adler #frank adler x ofc #frank adler x original female character #frank adler fanfiction #gifted #gifted fan fic #chris evans #chris evans characters

[allthehorrormovies]

A+1 - A blend of American Pie and Scream, but surprisingly better than that sounds. Outlining the plot would give away the twist, which tips its hand early on, yet ends in a gratifying manner. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Make love, not war.

Alien - A friend remarked how this film likely wouldn’t be made today. It’s shot too dark. It’s quiet, purposefully. There’s no action for much of the first half; more a study in isolated labor and worker exploitation. And there’s not a “star,” outside of teenage dreamboat Harry Dean Stanton. Actors like Sir Ian Holm Cuthbert were selected for their ability, not their stature within Hollywood, as production took place in London. As Robert Ebert said, “These are not adventurers, but workers.” We’re lucky it was made, supposedly, in part because the success of Star Wars pushed the studio to quickly release their own space movie. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sigourney Weaver is the ultimate Final Girl.

Aliens - The deliberate, slow pace of Alien is replaced by James Cameron’s grandiose action, backed by four times the original budget. Like Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it’s amazing that both films avoid “the disease of more.” Cameron’s characters are too often weighed down by punch-line dialogue, but all the elements together somehow work. Ripley’s character begins to move past being a simple pilot and into a warrior woman, for better and worse. The studio originally tried to write her out of the sequel due to a contract dispute, but Cameron thankfully refused to make the film without her. There are people out there who prefer Aliens to Alien, and that’s fine. They are wrong, but that’s fine. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien³ - David Fincher has famously disowned his directorial debut, citing studio deadlines for its poor quality. Compared to the first two films, it certainly is a failure. Though gorier, the scenes with the digital alien look terrible upon re-viewing. The various writers and scripts, some potentially interesting—especially William Gibson’s version, and changing cinematographers and the insertion of Fincher late into production doomed the project from the start. All that said, the movie itself isn’t terrible—parts are even good, but what feels like a midway point in Ripley’s saga is ultimately her end, and that feels cheap. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien: Covenant - The maddening mistakes of Prometheus absent, this sequel is a tense, action-packed killer of a flick. Scott claims a third prequel is in the works that will tie everything back to Alien, which is . . . fine? It’s just that the first film was so great and everything else since then seems so unnecessary. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Alien Resurrection - The aliens look better than ever before, but Joss Whedon’s dialogue is simply annoying and the casting is horrible. Ripley has super powers and kills her large adult alien son. Winona Ryder decides crashing a space ship into Paris, killing untold millions, is the best way to get rid of the aliens for some reason. It’s fucking dumb and cost $70 million to make. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. In the special edition intro, director Jean-Pierre Jeunet says he didn’t change much in the re-release because he was proud of the theatrical version. Baffling. 

Amer - This Belgian-French film is a tribute to the Italian tradition of giallo, a stylized, thriller told in three sections that directors like Suspiria’s Dario Argento pioneered. Mostly wordless, there’s not much plot, more a series of moments in a women’s life revolving around terrifying, sexual moments that ends in murder and madness. There are some terrific scenes, but it’s more of an art piece than movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

An American Werewolf in London - Funny and scary all at once, setting the bar almost impossibly high for all that followed. Rick Baker's special effects catapult this movie into greatness. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Ebert was right, though; it doesn’t really have an ending. 

Annihilation - Perhaps more of a sci-fi thriller than a horror movie. But due to some terrifying monsters scenes, I’m going to include it. Apparently writer/director Alex Garland wrote the screenplay after reading the first book in Jeff VanderMeer’s Southern Reach trilogy, giving the movie a different overall plot. Garland’s sleek style that made Ex Machina so wonderful is replaced by “The Shimmer,” which gives the film a strange glow. The ending relies too much on digital special effects that looked more gruesome in earlier segments, detracting from its intended impact. Still, a few key scenes, especially the mutated bear, are downright terror-inducing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first found the constant flashbacks unnecessary, but viewed as a refraction on Portman’s mind as well as her body make them more forgiving.

The Babadook - Creepy and nearly a perfect haunted horror movie, except for some final tense moments that too quickly try to switch to sentimental, which leaves their earnestness falling flat. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Dook. Dook. Dook.

The Babysitter (2017) - One of Netflix’s original movies, this one pays off in gore and borrows heavily from Scott Pilgrim vs. the World-style jokes. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Meh. It’s cheesy and cliché, but whaddaya gonna do?

Backcountry - Don’t be fooled thinking this is like Jaws “but with a bear,” as I did. Unsympathetic characters and zero tension make this movie a drag to watch. At the start, you think, “Who cares if these assholes get eaten by a bear? They wandered into bear country without a map.” By the end, you’re actively cheering for the bear to eat the boyfriend and only a little sympathetic for the lead character. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. To her credit, Missy Peregrym does a fine job of being a mostly lone protagonist.

Basket Case - Cult director Frank Henenlotter‘s debut starts as a creepy, bloody horror movie, but staggers after showing the monster too soon and then tries to fill time with unnecessary backstory and extended scenes of screams and blood that would have otherwise been eerily good if executed more subtly. Despite not being very good, it’s at least somewhat interesting and kind of impressive considering its low budget. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Battle Royal - I’m not convinced this is a horror movie, it’s more just a gory action flick. But hey, oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun, but not as great as many people seem to believe.

The Beyond - Considered one of Lucio Fulci’s greatest films, it might be a bit disappointing to newcomers of his work. Certainly the style and impressive gore are at their highest, but the muddled plot and poor dubbing distract from the overall effect. Fabio Frizzi‘s score is, for the most part, a great addition, however, certain key moments have an almost circus-like tone, which dampens what should be fear-inducing scenes. It’s easy to see why some fans absolutely love this movie while some critics absolutely hate it. In the end, it’ll please hardcore horror fans, but likely bore others. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Beyond the Gates - Two estranged brothers are sucked into an all-too-real game of survival after finding a mysterious VHS board game following the disappearance of their father. The plot is fun and original, but the lead actors aren’t all that engaging and the special effects look rather outdated for a 2016 release. Still, it’s an enjoyable watch. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Christmas - A slasher that starts out with potential, but never gets all that scary or gory, though it’s well made. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Margot Kidder gets a kid drunk.

Black Sheep (2006) - A hilarious, gory take on zombie sheep. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Black Sunday - The Mask of Satan (aka Black Sunday) is totally my new superhero/metal band name. If you're a fan of older horror, this one is not-to-miss. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Vengeance, vampires, Satan worship, castles, curses, and a buxom heroine, this movie is pretty damn dark for a 1960's black & white film.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter - Scores points for a couple of horrific scenes and a fairly good switcheroo, but mostly too slowly paced to capture the viewer’s attention. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Emma Roberts continues her path to being the modern Scream Queen.

The Birds - Hithcock’s film was, by no means, the first horror movie. German, Japanese, and UK directors had explored witches, demons, and the classic monsters decades earlier. But, The Birds is a landmark film, like Psycho, for pioneering a new wave of modern horror. It was, perhaps, the first time female sexuality and ecological revenge had been combined to create an unsettling tale with an ambiguous ending. And the rather graphic scenes of found corpses, combined with a minimalist score, are nearly as shocking today as when the film was first released. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Braindead - It's Bill Pulman and Bill Paxton in a 1980s B-horror; what more do you need? Most people won't enjoy this campy fart of nonsense, but try pulling your TV outside and getting good and drunk. Anything's good then. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. “The universe is just a wet dream."

The Brood - No where near as polished as Scanners or Videodrome, but still a creepy, well-made film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Bucket of Blood - This black & white 1959 film from Roger Corman is more dark comedy than horror, but it’s a absurdly fun critique of beatnik culture written by Corman’s partner on Little Shop of Horrors. Dick Miller gives a great performance, and with a run time of about an horror, the pacing feels relatively quick for an older film. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Byzantium - The tale of two British vampires who live like wandering gypsies, setting up a low-rent brothel in a seaside town despite being immortal badasses because the all-powerful, all-male secret vampire club is trying to kill them, because . . . no girls allowed? It’s unclear. The vampires are of the more modern type—they go out during the day and receive their curse from a geological location than from one another. Still, overall the movie is better than it has to be. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever - Eli Roth’s directorial debut isn’t awful, but it certain could have been better considering Roth credits Carpenter’s The Thing as its inspiration. The homophobic jokes date the movie more than the alt-rock soundtrack and the repetitive scenes reminding viewers of how the mysterious disease spreads (at apparently differing rates depending on the character) during the conclusion end up creating a weird kind of plot hole. To his credit, some of the nods to The Thing are OK. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever - That Ti West made this pseudo-campy and outright bad movie during the same period that he made The House of the Devil is perplexing. The style, pace, and subtly that make The House of the Devil an enjoyable film are nonexistent in this cash-grab sequel. West apparently hated the final cut and requested his name be removed from the project. That said, I kind of like this movie better than the original. I’ve always found Roth’s praise of his directorial debut to be odd, as it’s not very good. For what it’s worth, this movie isn’t trying to be anything other than what it is: a tasteless, bad horror movie. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Retcons the plot hole in the first movie, at least.

The Cabin in the Woods - As good of a spoof of the horror genre as one could hope. Stereotypical with an O'Henry twist at every turn, this movie is good for an afternoon viewing, much like Tucker & Dale vs Evil. Without giving much away, if you think about it, The Cabin In the Woods is like a weird PSA about how marijuana will destroy all of mankind. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun and gory with something for everyone.

Candyman - Decades later, it’s not as easy to see why Candyman was such a landmark movie. It’s a bit slow, stumbles in places, and some of the acting is only serviceable. However, the story itself (based on Clive Baker’s original) is—on paper at least—good. Critics at the time were rightfully hesitant to praise a movie simply for having a black villain, especially when his origin is based on racial violence, but Tony Todd’s portrayal is so terrifying it launches the character into one of the all time great horror monsters. Add in Philip Glass’s soundtrack and Candyman reigns among other classics without being a top contender. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Carrie - I saw this movie on TV a long time ago, but I had forgotten much of the film, especially the opening scene of slow motion nudity (aren't these girls supposed to be in high school?!). The remake of this movie is likely going to be bad, but the original is so good I'll probably go see it. What can be said? Pig's blood. Fire. Religious indoctrination. Sexual overtones. There's a reason Brain de Palma's version of Steven King's story became so culturally important. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. This movie holds up, even today. 

Carrie (2013) - Though nothing is glaringly bad, and the added back-story decently pulled off by Julian Moore as the mother, almost every scene is a shadow of the original. Which is unfortunate considering that the remake of Let The Right One In managed to find a somewhat more unique tone. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Largely unnecessary.

The Changeling - George C. Scott does a fine job as a mourning husband haunted by an unfamiliar spirit. Not the most exciting movie, but pretty decent. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It might’ve ranked higher, but there are no half stars here.


Cheerleader Massacre - This movie looks like someone shot it in their backyard with an earl 90s handheld camcorder . . . in high school. This is just embarrassing, for me too. The actors seem to be exotic dancers or adult film stars, who haven’t been asked back for a shift in a while. Alright, I skipped through this because the quality was so low. At around minute 41 there's a bathtub scene with three naked women, which culminates in one licking chocolate sauce off each other’s breasts. Some people die. Two of the naked women survive, I think. The house they all go to in the beginning of the movie - a ski lodge, I guess - burns down, or doesn't. Whatever. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. Just watch actual porn.

Child’s Play - While only OK, I understand how this became a franchise. Melted Chucky is terrifying. The villain can hop from vessel to vessel, unfortunately through some kind of voodoo racist bullshit. The characters are shallow, but serviceable. For such a big budget movie, it’s weird that it ends so abruptly. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Children of the Corn - Damn, this movie is boring. Linda Hamilton does the World's Least Sexy Birthday Striptease. The characters are joking quite a bit having just run over a child, whose dead body is rattling around in the trunk. What was the casting call like for this movie? "Wanted: Ugly children. Must look illiterate." All in all, things turn out pretty good for our protagonists. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. For something that spurred at least five other movies, this was remarkably uninspiring. 

City of the Living Dead - The dialogue is awkward and the plot a bit convoluted, but the special effects hold up and the overall story is good. The first of Lucio Fulci’s Gates of Hell trilogy. Apparently when the movie was screened in L.A., Fulci was booed. 3 of 5 pumpkins. Poor Bob the Simple Pervert.

Climax - Gaspar Noé is known for making viewers feel as uncomfortable possible with his experimental style film making. Which is fine. But that discomfort rarely lands to move me outside the initial shock. Climax is, surprisingly, more like a Suspiria remake than the actual 2018 remake. That, however, doesn’t make it good. The really shocking moments aren’t all that shocking and the cultural commentary isn’t very deep. It’s not a bad movie, it’s just, well, unnecessary. The dance scenes are extraordinary, so at least it’s got that going for it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Color Out of Space - An enjoyable, albiet uneven, film that does a lot with little. A head-trip type of home invasion movie that pulls you in. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Conjuring - It’s easy to see why so many people love this movie. It’s well-acted, it has jump-out-of-your-seat scares, and incorporates several classic fear elements. Considering the mediocre, at best, tiredly worn horror movies that slump to torture porn for shock value coming out recently, The Conjuring stands above its peers. Still, there’s nothing original about the movie. 3 out 5 pumpkins. 

The Conjuring 2 - Billed as more shocking than the original, this sequel likely lands better in theaters with it’s jump-cut scares and action flick sequences. On the home screen, however, the overly dramatic elements are too far flung to seem like a haunting based on true events. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Creep (2014) - Nails the P.O.V. angle without going too far down the overly-used “found footage.” Mark Duplass is terrifying and without his ability to carry the film, the entire concept could have easily fallen flat. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Creep 2 - Mark Duplass pleasantly surprises with a sequel that, while not as *ahem* creepy as the first, builds out the world of his serial killer in a manner that is engaging and ends with the potential for more. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Crimes of Passion - Technically it’s an “erotic thriller,” but given Ken Russell in the director’s chair and Anthony Perkins as the villain, I’m adding it to this list. Unfortunately, it’s not a great film. Kathleen Turner surpasses over acting in some scenes, and the rest of the cast is pretty forgettable. If the plot revolved around Perkins’s character, it might have been more of a horror flick. Instead revolves around loveless marriage and the fucked up issues of sexuality in America, attempting to say . . . something, but never really making a point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Russell has got an obsession with death dildos. I don’t know what to do with that information. Just an observation.

Crimson Peak - Guillermo del Toro is a complicated director. He’s created some truly remarkable films, but has also created some borderline camp. Crimson Peak splits the difference, much in the same way Pacific Rim does. If you’re a deep fan of a particular genre, in this case Victorian-era romance, then the movie can be an enjoyable addition to the category with its own voice. If you’re not, then the movie’s more eye-roll-inducing moments are less a nod to fandom and more of an uninvited addition to what could be a straight forward film. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Beautiful, but lacking.

Cronos - This del Toro film is a must-see for any fan of his current work. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Even if you're not usually a fan of foreign films, you'll likely appreciate this modern take on the vampire mythology.

Dagon - To be honest, I feel like I should watch this one again. It’s a bit of a jumbled mess, but there are some wacky, gory moments at the end. Similar in tone and style to Dead and Buried. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Seriously, like the last 20 minutes cram so much plot it’s just a series of wtf moments until hitting incest and then nothing really matters.

Darling - Well shot in beautiful black and white with an excellence score, Darling really should receive a better score. However, it fails to be more than the sum of its parts. Borrowing liberally from Kubrick’s one-point perspective and Polanski’s Repulsion in nearly every other way, the film is decent, but fumbles in deciding whether to convince the audience of a clear plot, leaving viewers with closure, yet unsatisfied. Still, worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Daughters of Darkness - A Belgian/French erotic vampire film that isn’t as erotic or vampiric as one might hope. Still, legend Delphine Seyrig shines so brightly, it’s catapults are relatively boring film into near greatness. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dawn of the Dead - The best zombie movie ever made. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Day of the Dead - George A. Romero’s end to a near-perfect trilogy isn’t as good as its predecessors, but it’s gorier and somehow more depressing, even with the ending. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Dead and Burried - Starts with a bang, but lags in the middle. The ending tries too hard to surprise you, yet, by the time it’s over you kind of don’t care. Surprisingly well acted and good, creepy tale. Might not be everyone’s bag, but if you’re a tried-and-true horror fan, you’ll enjoy the movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The movie was written by Dan O’Bannon, famed for writing Alien. O’Bannon worked with John Carpenter on a short in film school, quit being a computer animator on Star Wars to be a screenwriter, and became broke and homeless after attaching himself to Jodorowsky’s doomed Dune. He later went on to direct The Return of The Living Dead and write Total Recall. 

Dead Snow - A Nazi zombie bites off a dude's dick. Do you really need any other details? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Germans be crazy.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - Not as good as its predecessor, but still fun. Plus, more children die. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Why all the gay jokes, though?

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats - OK, my first nit-pick is that the bed doesn’t eat people so much as it dissolves people. But it still makes chewing sounds? Whatever. A bizarre concept that swings for seriousness and utterly fails due to its lack of plot and extremely low budget. Kinda of weird, but ultimately pretty boring. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Death Spa - Hilariously bad. Super 80s. I can’t say this is a good film, but I would recommend watching it for the kitsch value. What if a ghost haunted a gym? Instant money maker. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: the project came about due to shepherding from Walter Shenson, who got rich producing A Hard Day’s Night and Help!, and the lead actor, who plays a gym manager, was an actual gym manager in L.A. at the time.

Deathgasm - Imagine if Scott Pilgrim vs. the World was about a New Zealand metal band and not as good, but still pretty OK. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Deep Red (aka Profondo Rosso, aka The Hatchet Murders) - Dario Argento’s 1975 film is more polished than 1977′s Suspiria, which is a bit surprising. However, that doesn’t necessarily make it a better film. Where Suspirira’s fever dream colors and superior soundtrack, also by Goblin, shines, Deep Red doesn’t quite land. The camera work here is better, though, as is much of acting. But there’s a lot of let downs, such as the opening psychic bowing out and never really coming up again, the boorish male lead and oddly timed humor, and the final reveal, which is anti-climatic. Still, an overall great horror movie. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Def by Tempation - I really enjoyed this film, despite it not being the most skillful directed or the most incredible script. The plot is compelling, the jokes are pretty funny, and the angles and lighting are really well done despite the limited budget. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Admittedly, Kadeem Hardison nostalgia helps.

Demons - Multiple people recommended this to me, and I can see why considering the Dario Argento connection. Unfortunately, the premise is more exciting than the execution. Poorly acted and poorly dubbed, the gore doesn’t do enough to hold one’s attention. There’s a scene where a guy rides around on a dirt bike killing demons with a samurai sword. At least that happens. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Is the ticket-taker in on it? She works in the demon theater, right? So, why is she being hunted? Also, where the fuck did the helicopter come from?

The Descent - Some of Earth’s hottest, most fit women embark on a spelunking adventure with a recently traumatized friend. Aside from a couple of lazy devices that put the team in greater peril than necessary, the movie quickly and cleverly puts the cavers into a horrifying survival scenario that few others in the genre have matched. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Without giving too much away, be sure you get the original, unrated cut before watching this flick.

The Devil’s Backbone - Though del Toro’s debut, Cronos, is more original and imaginative, this is much more honed. Not necessarily frightening, but tense and dreadful through out, laying open the horror war inflicts on all it touches. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Devil’s Candy - More of a serial killer thriller than a horror, but the supernatural elements raise this movie to better-than-average heights. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The real lesson is this movie is that cops won’t save you, ONLY METAL CAN SAVE YOU!

Don't Be Afraid of the Dark - The biggest upside to this movie is that it was produced by Guillermo del Toro. The biggest downside is that it's not directed by Guillermo del Toro. Still, the director gets credit for making a child the main character; never an easy task. To the little girl's credit, she's a better actor than Katie Holmes, no surprise, and Guy Pierce. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. With a bit more gore and stylistic pauses, this could have been a 4. This movie proves why killing kids is more fun than kids who kill, and also that every male protagonist in every horror movie is dumb dick.

Don’t Look Now - Well-acted and interesting, Nicolas Roeg’s adaptation is a high-water mark of the 1970s premier horror. The only real complaint is that the ending—while good and obviously ties it all together—is nonsensical. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Donald Sutherland fucks.

Event Horizon - “This ship is fucked.” “Fuck this ship!” “Where we’re going, we don’t need eyes to see.” These are quotes from, and also the plot of, Event Horizon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The most disturbing part of the whole production might be Sam Neil’s attempt to be a sexual icon.

The Evil Dead - Though The Shining is the best horror movie ever made, The Evil Dead is my favorite. Funny, creepy, well-shot on a shoestring budget, it's the foundation for most modern horror flicks, more so than Night of the Living Dead in some fashions. See it immediately, if you haven't. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bruce fuckin' Campbell.

Evil Dead (2013) - Not entirely bad, and even takes the original plot in more realistic places, like the character having to detox. But is that what we really need? The fun of the original is its low budget, odd humor, and DIY grit. I guess if you really want a “darker” version, it’s this. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Better than The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, about as good as the Carrie remake, I guess.

Evil Dead II - I have to respect Sam Raimi because it’s like he got more budget and did everything possible to try and make this movie suck just as a fuck you to the studio. All the creepy parts of the original are over-the-top, there’s zero character development—just faces on a stage, and it’s seemingly a crash-grab to set up Army of Darkness more than anything else. That said, it’s kind of boring outside of a couple gory scenes. It’s fun, but not that funny. It’s scary, but more gauche than anything. An exercise in excess, yet a decent one somehow. My biggest complaint is that Evil Dead is great with Bruce Campbell, but would have been good with almost anyone; whereas Evil Dead II is only good because it’s Bruce Campbell. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark - This movie is nothing but puns and tit jokes. But clever ones! Pretty okay with that. Or maybe it's a statement on third-wave feminism in spoof form? Probably not. At one point an old people orgy breaks out at a small town morality picnic, but it's a PG-13 movie so it doesn't get very fun. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Boooooooooobs.

Elvira's Haunted Hills - A pretty disappointing follow-up to what was a fun, 1980s romp. Instead of poking fun at uptight Protestants, Elvira’s just kind of a dick to her servant. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Even the boob jokes are flat.

The Endless - More sci-fi than horror, and not the most deftly produced, still an original concept that’s pulled off well. 3 out 5 pumpkins. Maybe this should get a higher ranking. It’s good! Not exactly scary, but good.

Equinox - Decided to give another older Criterion Collection film a try. Though there are some clever tricks in the movie, especially for its time -- like an extended cave scene that's just a black screen -- the poor sound, monsters that look children's toys, and general bad acting drag this movie down to nothing but background noise that's easy to ignore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Whatever contributions this movie may have made to the industry, its not worth your time unless studying for a film class.

Excision - Less of an outright horror movie and more of a disturbing tale of a young necrophiliac, the film tries its best to summon the agnst of being a teen, but falls short of better takes, like Teeth. Still, pretty good. Traci Lords is great and John Waters plays a priest. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Exorcist - The slow pace and attention to character backstory is more moving than the shocking scenes you've no doubt heard about, even if you haven't seen the film. The pacing is slow compared to most movies today, but the drawn out scenes, like in Rosemary's Baby, help convey the sense of dread. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Believe.

Eyes Without a Face - One of the more remarkable things about this French 1960′s near-masterpiece is how carefully it walked the line between gore and taboo topics in order to pass European standards. The villain isn’t exactly sympathetic, but carries at least some humanity, giving the story a more realistic, and therefore more frightening quality. The only, only thing that holds this film back is the carnivalesque soundtrack that could have been foreboding. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. A must watch for any horror fan.

The Fly - Cronenberg's fan-favorite film is delightful, though it’s not as great as Scanners or Videodrome, in my humble opinion. Jeff Goldblum is, of course, terrific. If you haven’t seen it, see it! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Where’d he get the monkey, though? Seems like it’d be hard to just order a monkey. The 80s were wild, man.

The Fog - A rare miss for John Carpenter’s earlier work. There’s nothing outright wrong or bad about this movie, but it’s not particularly scary and the plot is rather slow. That said, it’s soundly directed. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re a Carpenter fan, it’s still worth watching.

Forbidden World - Another Roger Corman cult classic, this one made immediately after the much larger budget Galaxy of Terror, mostly because Corman had spent so much on the first set (designed by James Cameron) and thought of a way to make another low-budget flick with a much smaller cast and recycled footage from Battle Beyond the Stars. Even more of a complete rip-off of Alien, with some Star Wars and 2001: A Space Odyssey bit sprinkled in. Perhaps because it’s far less serious and revels in its pulp, it’s somehow better than Galaxy of Terror, which is more ambitious—you know, for a Corman b-movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No worm sex scene, though.

Frankenhooker - Frank Henenlotter‘s 1990 black comedy is over-the-top in almost every way, perhaps best encapsulated by the introduction of Super Crack that makes sex workers, and one hamster, explode. But with a title like Frankenhooker, you get what you expect. Hell, it even manages to sneak in an argument for legalizing prostitution. If you’re a fan of zany, exploitation in the vein of Re-Animator, you’ll enjoy it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Friday the 13th - Terrifically balanced between campy and creepy, with a soundtrack that’s twice as good as it needs to be. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching every year.

The Frighteners - Michael J. Fox, everyone! Robert Zemeckis & Peter Jackson - ugh. It didn't even take 20 minutes for the racial stereotypes to kick in. Unlike the trope of youth in most horror movies, everyone in this movie looks old. Holy shit, did anyone else remember Frank Busey was in this movie? Michael J. Fox is a bad driver in this movie. He was also in a car accident that gave him supernatural sense. Jokes. Apparently they tried to make it look like this movie was shot in the Midwestern United States, but it was filmed in New Zealand. It's clearly a coastal or water based mountain town, in like dozens of shots. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Cheesy without being completely campy, it's also family friendly. If this were any other genre, this would likely be a two.

From Beyond - Stewart Gordon’s follow-up to Re-Animator isn’t as fun, even with some impressively gory special effects. Viewers are throw into a story with little regard for character, which doesn’t really matter, but is still a bit of a left down when you find yourself wondering how a BDSM-inclined psychiatrist builds a bomb from scratch. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It’ll stimulate your pineal gland!

Funny Games (2007) - A fairly straightforward home invasion horror achieves greatness thanks to Michael Haneke‘s apt directing and powerful performances by Naomi Watts and Michael Pitt. Like with Psycho, some of the most horrifying parts are what comes after. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The fourth wall breaking is an odd touch, but thankfully and surprisingly doesn’t distract.

The Fury - Brian De Palma’s follow-up to Carrie is a major let down. Despite a fairly charismatic Kirk Douglas and score by John Williams, the two-hour run time drags and drags. Attempting to combine horror and an action-thriller, the film waffles between genres without ever rising above either. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s not explicitly bad; just a bore to watch.

Galaxy of Terror - Roger Corman produced this movie as was to try and capitalize off the success of Alien, but even with that shallow motivation it’s better than it needed to be. Staring Erin Moran of Happy Days fame and celebrated actor Ray Walston, Galaxy of Terror has an uneven cast, made all the more puzzling by Sid Haig. Though “the worm sex scene” is likely the reason it achieved cult status, James Cameron’s production is top-notch and was clearly the foundation for his work on Aliens. The ending even hints at the future of Annihilation. Does all this make it a good movie? Not really, but it’s not terrible either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Get Out - A marvelous debut for Jordan Peele, who—given his comedy background—was able to land some downright chilling moments alongside some mostly well-timed jokes. Unfortunately, not all of them as well timed, especially the drop-in moments with the lead character’s TSA buddy. Peele originally had the film end less optimistically, but wanted audiences to ultimately walk away feeling good. Maybe not the most artistic choice, but certainly the smart one given the film’s acclaim. It’s easy to see why Get Out has cemented itself alongside The Stepford Wives as a smart, “in these times” commentary about society, but it’s also just a really well-paced, well-shot, well-acted film. With two other horror projects immediately set, it’ll be exciting to see just how much Peele will add to the genre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. America’s worst movie critic, Armond White, said Get Out was “an Obama movie for Tarantino fans” as if that was a bad thing. Idiot.

Ginger Snaps - A delightfully playful but still painful reminder of what it was like being a teenager while still being a gore-fest. A must for anyone who was emo. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Out by sixteen or dead on the scene.

A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night - An almost flawless picture. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: nearly everyone in this movie is insanely hot.

Green Room - Surviving a white supremacist rally in the Pacific Northwest is no joke. The region is the unfortunate home to violently racist gangs, clinging to the last shreds of ignorant hate. Though fading, some of the movements mentioned in the movie, like the SHARPs, are grounded in recent history. Mainly a gory survival-flick, the movie sneaks in some surprisingly tone-appropriate humor. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. No one’s island band should be Misfits.

A Ghost Story (2017) - Yes, this isn’t a horror. It’s a drama. Don’t care; including it anyway. It’s unnerving in the way that it makes you consider your own mortality and the lives of the people who you’ve touched, and how all of that won’t last as long as an unfeeling piece of furniture or the wreckage of home soon forgot. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ghostbusters (1984) - “It’s true. This man has no dick.” 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (1978) - One of the best openings of any horror film. John Carpenter is a genius. 5 out of 5 pumpkins.

Halloween (2018) - Eh. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hardware - A very unhelpful Marine brings home some post-apocalyptic trash that tries to kill him and his girlfriend, who could absolutely do better than him. Horribly shot and nonsensical, it doesn’t push the boundaries of filth or gore its cult fans adore. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Do not recommend.

The Haunting (1963) - Not exactly the scariest of movies, but damn well made and just dripping with gay undertones. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Theo is queen femme daddy and we are all here for it.

Haunting on Fraternity Row - The acting is surprisingly decent, but the supernatural elements don’t even start until halfway into the movie, which begins as a sort of handheld, POV style conceit and then abandons all pretense of that set up. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Not at all scary, but maybe it will make you nostalgic for frat parties, cocaine, and failed threesomes. So.

The Haunting of Julia - Apparently parents in 1970s Britain didn't receive proper Hymlic maneuver treatment, which perhaps made for an epidemic of dead children. As promising as that premise might be, an hour into this movie and there hasn't been any actual haunting. There's a stylish gay best friend (he owns a furniture store) and a dumb dick of an ex-husband, a scene of library research, mistaken visions, etc. All the standards are here, except for the haunting parts. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Well shot but absolutely boring, this is more about a woman's struggle with depression than a horror flick.

Head Count - A great premises that falters in key moments, making the sum of its parts less than its promising potential. For example, there’s no reason to show a CGI monster when you’ve already established its a shape-shifter, the scariest part is that they could be anybody! 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hellbound: Hellraiser II - I really dislike this movie, not because it’s especially bad, but because it’s a lazy continuation of the first film. Yes, there are a couple of scenes that are squeamishly good, but it spends too much time rehashing the plot of the first and then ending in some grandiose other dimension that has not real impact. Part of the terrifying elements of the first is that the horror is confined to one room in one house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. It really only gets this many pumpkins because of the mattress scene.

Hellraiser - Truly the stuff nightmares are made of. It’s easy to see why this film became a cult-classic and continues to horrify audiences. That said, the plot is a bit simplistic. Not that the plot is the heart of the film; the objective is for viewers to experience squeamish body mutilation and overall dread, and in that regard it truly delivers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hereditary - Toni Collette is a treasure in this dramatic horror about family and loss. Though the truly terrifying bits take too long to ramp up, resulting in a jumbled conclusion, the film is engrossing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Hocus Pocus - Admittedly, this movie isn’t very good. But its nostalgic charm and constant virgin jokes earns it a higher ranking that it deserves. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “Max likes your yabbos. In fact, he loves them.”

Honeymoon - Often described as a modern twist on Rosemary’s Baby, this debut from promising director Leigh Janiak takes its time before getting truly creepy. Though there are some gruesome moments, the tense feeling is bound to the two leads, who are able to keep a lingering sense of dread alive without much else to play off. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Host - I was skeptical of this Korean movie based on the sub-par visual affects, but the script, actors, and cinematography were all much better than expected. A genre-bender, as my friend who recommended it described, you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll cringe. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you're a fan of movies like Slither, you'll love this movie.

Hot Fuzz - Second in Three Flavours Cornetto and probably the worst, but still a great movie that gets better on repeat viewing. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

House - A part of the Critereon Collection, this 1977 Japanese movie is a trip and a half that follows the untimely demise of some school girls going to visit their friend's aunt, who turns out to be a witch who eats unwed women. One of the girls is named Kung-Fu and spiritually kicks a demon cat painting until blood pours out everywhere. I guess this is kind of a spoiler, but the movie is such a madcap, magna-influenced experiment there's nothing that can really ruin the experience. Like most anime, this movie also ends with an unnecessary song that drags on for far too long. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. I guess this movie influenced a lot of future work, which make sense. Still, most people would consider this a 1 as it's nearly impossible to follow.

The House at the End of the Street - I only decided to watch this movie because Jennifer Lawrence is in it. This isn't even a real horror movie. It's a serial killer movie with a few thriller moments. My standards are low at this point. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. It's a PG-13 movie, so instead of outright showing you some boobs there's just long, awkwardly placed frames of Jennifer Lawrence in a white tank-top. Oh, America.

The House of the Devil - Though an on-the-nose homage to 70s satanic slow-burns, this Ti West feature moves at a decent pace toward the slasher-like ending, making it better than most of movies it pays tribute to. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

The House on Sorority Row - A cookie-cutter college slasher that ends abruptly for no real reason considering how long it sets up its premise. Nothing awful, but nothing original. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Housebound - A fun, Kiwi flick that nicely balances a bit of horror with humor with a strong performance by Morgana O'Reilly. Though the plot takes a couple unnecessary twits towards the end, the gore kicks up and leaves you with a satisfying ending. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Howling - Released the same year as American Werewolf in London, this movie isn’t very good, but it is entertaining. Apparently audiences and critics thought it was funny. Maybe because it makes fun of that Big Sur lifestyle? I dunno. Dick Miller is the best thing in this movie, outside of the special effects. No idea why it spawned several follow ups. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Honestly, why not just lean into The Gift and join The Colony—nice surroundings, sultry nympho, regeneration ability. Some people can’t appreciate nice things.

Humanoids from the Deep - A cult favorite from the Roger Corman camp that borrows heavily from Creature from the Black Lagoon and a bit from Jaws. Initially very well done by director Barbara Peeters, but ultimately released much to her distaste. Peeters shot grisly murder scenes of the men, but used off camera and shadows to show the creatures raping the women. Corman and the editor didn’t think there was enough campy nudity. So they tapped Jimmy T. Murakami and second unit director James Sbardellati to reshoot those scenes, unknown to the cast, and then spliced the more exploitative elements back in for the final version, including a shower scene where it’s abundantly clear a new, more busty actress stands in for actual character. It’s unfortunate Peeters’ creation was essentially stolen from her, as it could have been a more respected film. I mean, how many horror flicks could weave in the economic struggle of small town bigots against a young native man trying save salmon populations? That said, the cut we got is pervy romp that’s still a boat-load of b-movie fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. James Horner on the score.

The Hunger - First off, David fucking Bowie. Not to be outdone, Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve are absolute knock-outs. Horror stories are often rooted in the erotic, often the unknown or shameful aspects of ingrained morality manifested in the grotesque and deadly. When done positively and well, it can be a powerful device. It’s a shame more recent horror movies don’t move beyond the teen-to-college-year characters for their sexual icons, too often used as sacrificial lambs, because mature sexuality can be far more haunting. As we age our connections to the meaning of love grow deeper and more complex; immorality does not offer the same luster. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn impressive for a first major film. Fun fact: Tony Scott wanted to adapt Interview with the Vampire, but MGM gave him The Hunger instead. It bombed and he went back to making commercials. Then Jerry Bruckheimer got him to direct Top Gun, which made $350M.

Hush - Though the masked stranger, home invasion plot is well-worn, this movies provides just enough shifts to keep things interesting and frightening. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out, Hot John!

I Am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House - With only an hour and a half run time, this film still drags. Part of that is deliberate. The foundation of the film is its atmosphere and the lingering uneasiness that it wishes audiences to dwell in. But by the end, you’re left with nothing more than a simple, sad story. It’s similar to the feeling of overpaying for a nice-looking appetizer and never getting a full meal. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Initiation - This movie has every 80s hour cliché necessary: minimalist synth soundtrack, naked co-eds, looming POV shots, hunky Graduate professor, escaped psychiatric patients, prophecy nightmares, and creepy a child. Yes, everything but actual horror. An hour into the horror movie and only one person has died. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There is no point to this movie, unless you're a huge fan of the princess in Space Balls.

The Innkeepers - The second of Ti West’s two well-received horror originals before he set out for TV and found-footage anthologies, The Innkeepers may not get as much love as The House of the Devil, but should. The dual-leads (Sara Paxton and Pat Healy) are more fun to watch than Jocelin Donahue‘s performance and the tone more even-set throughout the film. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Innocents - Reportedly Martin Scorsese’s favorite horror movie, it’s easy to see how big of an impact it had on the genre (especially The Others) with sweeping camera angles, slow but still haunting pace, and remarkable sound design. Perhaps it’s not as well-received by modern viewers, but it’s no doubt a classic. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Intruder (1989) - An enjoyable slasher flick from long-time Sam Raimi collaborator Scott Spiegel that takes places in a grocery store after hours that doesn’t try to do too much or take itself too seriously and features some over-the-top gore. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. “I’m just crazy about this store!”

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) - A terrific example of how to build paranoid fear. That its political allegory can be interpreted on both sides of McCarthyism makes it all the better. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Original ending, ftw.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978) - A rare remake that’s almost as good as the original. Terrific use of San Fransisco as a setting, Goldblum Goldblum’ing it up, solid pacing—great film! 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Plus, nudity!

The Invitation - More of a tense drama until the final moments, this film deserves praise for holding viewers’ attention for so long before the horror tipping point. Further details could spoil the story, but like many tales in the genre the lesson here is always trust your gut. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Ugh, Californians.

It (2017) - Stephen King’s nearly 1,200 page 1986 national bestseller captures the attention of readers for a number of reason: it’s coming-of-age story is horrific even without supernatural elements, it’s cast of characters resemble classic American archetypes from many of King’s other works, and its adaptation into a four hour mini-series staring Tim Curry as Pennywise in 1990 has haunted the imaginations of children for decades. Unfortunately, like the mini-series, the movie fails to deliver the long, unsettling moments that make the novel so thrilling. King’s story is a cocaine-fueled disaster that throws everything and the kitchen sink at viewers when compressed onto the screen. The truly terrifying elements of the book lose their impact when delivered one after another without time to feel personally connected to each character. The genius of It is the paranormal evil’s ability to hone in on a person’s darkest fears. Without deep empathy for all of The Losers, the individualized psychological torture is muted when reduced to jump-cuts. For what it’s worth, the film does its best with a jumble of sub-plots and the Pennywise origin story, but as the tone bounces from wide shots of small town Maine and the painful trauma of abuse to titled zooms of CGI monsters and an over-the-top soundtrack, something is lost. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Publishing office, 1985: “So, wait. The kids fuck?” the editor asks, disgusted. King vacuums another white rail into his nasal cavity. “Huh?! Oh. Yeah, sure. I guess. Does that happen? Jesus, I’m so fucked up right now. What day is it? What were you saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like, love is the opposite of fear, bridge to adulthood or something. Do you have any booze around here?”

It Comes At Night - More utterly depressing than terrifying and a reminder that the greatest horror we’ll likely ever face is simply the limits of our own humanity. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

It Follows - An uncomfortable and honest take on how sexuality is intertwined with the horror myth. One for the ages. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The real terror is HPV. 

Jaws - A masterpiece that’s too easily remembered for its cultural impact than artist merit. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. R.I.P. Chrissie Watkins, you were a free spirit as wild as the wind.

The Killing of a Sacred Deer - Yorgos Lanthimos‘s follow up to The Lobster isn’t as well done, but the wide shots, odd lines, and increasingly bizzare build-up are all present. The finale is near perfect, but takes a bit too long to reach. I’d really like to give this film a higher score, but alas: 3 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing wrong, yet something is missing.

Kiss of the Damned - There are handful of potential interesting scenes and the internal drama of a vampire family is a potentially the foundation for a good film. Despite this, Xan Cassavetes’s film never manages to actually be all that interesting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There’s nothing terrible here, but also nothing remarkable.

Knock Knock - Two hotties do my man Keanu dirty. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Eli Roth is a better actor than director.

The Lair of the White Worm - A campy demon flick from Altered States director Ken Russell. Staring Hugh Grant, Peter Capaldi, and Amanda Donohoe, the plot is loosely based on Bram Stroker’s last novel, which has a few similarities to H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Shadow Over Innsmouth, which was made into the Spanish film Dagon. Very British all around, a bit like Hot Fuzz meets Clue, this could have been played straight and potentially been scary, but Russell didn’t intend to be serious. A topless snake demon wearing a death strap-on to sacrafice a virgin can’t be taken as *cinema* after all. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not great film by any stretch, but pretty fun!

Lake Mungo - Presented as a made-for-TV type of mystery documentary, this could have really turned out poorly. Despite some unnecessary plot additions, this movie really stuck with me. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Sadder than you might expect.

The Langoliers - Balki Bartokomous is the villain in this made-for-TV special. He is terrible and the rest of the cast is packed with 90s no-name actors and a child actor that might as well be the blind version of a kid Liz Lemon. You know how Stephen King writes himself into every. single. story? In this case it's not even as a plot device, it's just a character to fill space like an obvious oracle. In the book, the character tearing paper is a subtle, unsettling mannerism you assume happens quietly in the background, but because television writers treat their audiences like distracted five year-olds, this action becomes a reoccurring focus with no point or context. One of the best parts about the book was imagining the wide, empty space of the Denver airport. Of course, shutting down an entire airport would be expensive, so most of the interactions take place in a single terminal, which is just as boring as being stuck at the airport yourself. Two 1994-era Windows screen savers eat Balki at the end, then, like, all of reality, maaaaaaaan. The more I think about it, this story might have been the unconscious basis for a strong Salvia freak out I once had. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Dear male, white writers, we all know that no one actually fucks writers in real life - that's why you're all so angry. Stop creating these protagonists equipped with impossible pussy-magnets. Stop. Staaaaaaaahp.

The Last House of the Left - Wes Craven’s debut isn’t much of a horror, but a revenge tale that contains no build up or sense of dread, but an immediate and unrelenting assault of its characters and the audience. It’s well-made, and the rape revenge tale is older than Titus Andronicus, but that doesn’t mean it’s something worth viewing. There’s no joy; it’s Pink Flamingos without the camp. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. No doubt impactful, but really best viewed as a piece of history with a critical eye and not for entertainment.

The Legend of Hell House - A well made haunted house film that holds up forty years later. Pamela Franklin, playing a medium, carries much of the movie. Her foil, the physicist, is a strange character. He apparently believes people, and even dead bodies, can manifest surreal, electromagnetic energies, but not in “surviving personalities.” Yet, he still orders this giant “reverse energy” machine to “drain” the house of its evil before they even set out to research house. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Dangerous diner parties, the insatiable Mrs. Barret, mirrored ceilings and kick ass Satan statues everywhere - this house seems pretty great, actually.

The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires - A blast to watch, but not truly great. Unfortunately, I’ve only seen the edited version (The 7 Brothers Meet Dracula) that mixes up the beginning for no real reason and wonder how much better the original cut might be. Still, vampires! Kung Fu! Peter Cushing! 3 out of 5 pumpkins.


Let the Right One In - Beautiful and terribly haunting. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Likely the best horror movie this generation will get.

Let Me In - Surprising good. Unnecessary, yes. But still good. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: I once watched an *ahem* found copy of Matt Reeves‘s Dawn of the Planet of the Apes without the ape subtitles and thought it was a brave choice to make the audience sympathize with the common humanity among our species. I was also pretty high.

Life After Beth - Jeff Baena‘s horror comedy features a terrific Aubrey Plaza, but Dane DeHaan’s character leaves a lot to be desired. It seems like the film is trying to save something about life, love, and family, but never finds its voice. A fine, funny movie to watch on a rainy afternoon. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Lifeforce - Directed by Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and written by Dan O'Bannon (Alien) is a film the suffers from “the disease of more.” The entire concept of space vampires is rad as hell, but a $25 million budget and a 70 mm production couldn’t save what ends up being a boring trod and a jumbled ending that somehow makes major city destruction tiring. Though, to be fair, this was well before Independence Day. Colin Wilson, author of the original source material, said it was the worst movie he has ever seen. I wouldn’t go that far, but during a special 70 mm screening, the theater host chastised the audience in advance to not make fun of the movie during the showing because it was “a great film.” Reader, it is not. But Mathilda May looks real good naked and there are a couple cool, gory shots. So, there’s that. I guess. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Patrick Stewart is in this for all of like 10 minutes, but is still listed as a main character.

The Lighthouse - From The Witch’s Robert Eggers, this film is objectively a great work of art. Brooding, stark, and compelling performances from Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson—all the elements add up into a unique and disturbing experience. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. All that said, in the same way I consider Death Spa a 2 pumpkin movie you should see, this is a 4 pumpkin movie you could probably skip. It’s not entertaining in the traditional sense, and likely not one you’d want to really ever see again. The Eggers brothers made something weirdly niche and it’s fine if it stays that way.

Little Evil - A serviceable comedy that isn’t all that scary or even gory, which is a disappointment considering Eli Craig’s Tucker & Dale vs. Evil was so good. There are a few nods to famous horror movies that make a handful of scene enjoyable, but otherwise it’s purely background material. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Little Monsters - A Hulu original that’s pretty fun, if ultimately standing on the shoulders of giants like George A. Romero and Edgar Wright. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

A Lizard in a Woman's Skin - Lucio Fulci’s erotic mystery starts out with groovy sex parties and hallucinations, but quickly gets dull in the middle with extended scenes of psychological assessment, only to wind up where we all started. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Lodge - A good exercise in isolation horror that, while a bit slow, ratchets up the tension and horror with each act. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Damn kids.

The Lost Boys - A fun, campy 80s vampire flick you’ve likely heard of or even seen. I get why it’s cemented in popular culture, but at the end of the day it’s a Joel Schumacher film with a silly plot. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Love Witch - Somewhere between earnest satire and homage, The Love Witch is a well-crafted throwback to 1960s schlock. Weaving in contemporary gender critique, the film is more than just a rehash of its sexual fore-bearers. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Mandy (2018) - Like watching a bad trip from afar, Beyond the Black Rainbow director Panos Cosmatos (son of the Tombstone director) pulls off a trippy, dreadful film that starts out with story that follows logic and consequence before giving over to the full weirdness of Nicholas Cage’s uniquely unhinged style of acting. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Jóhann Jóhannsson’s score is superb.

Midsommar - Though not as good as Aster’s Hereditary, Midsommar sticks with you longer. Eerie throughout and disturbing, but not frightening in the traditional sense, it’s no surprise this film seems to split viewers into devoted fans and downright haters. Florence Pugh’s performance is wonderful and the scenes of drugged-out dread are far better than what was attempted in Climax. Some critics have called the film muddled and shallow, and certainly the “Ugly American” character fits in the later, but I found it to be a remarkably clear vision compared to the jumbled ending of Hereditary. That said, it’s not a scary movie, it’s simply unnerving. Should a male director and writer be the one to tell this tale? Probably not. But it’s not wholly unredemptive. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I first gave this film 3 pumpkins, but the more I think about it, the more it lingers. That counts for something. One more pumpkin to be exact.

Mimic - Without del Toro’s name attached, perhaps this movie wouldn’t be judged so harshly. Yet, though the shadowy, lingering shots he’s know for give a real sense of darkness to the picture, it’s a chore to sit through and is especially frustrating toward the end. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Mist - Watch the black and white version, which adds an ol’ timey feel to this Lovecraftian tale from Steven King and makes always-outdated CGI a bit more palpable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Monster (2016) - From The Strangers Bryan Bertino, this monster movie that ties in a trouble mother/daughter relationship doesn’t ever overcome its limitations and poor character decisions that get protagonists in deeper trouble. Zoe Kazan does what she can to carry the role. Not bad, but not much below the surface. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Monsters (2010) - A slow-burn that relies on its actors to push the suspense of a road-trip-style plot, leaving the special effects for subtle and beautiful moments. Arguably more of a sci-fi thriller than a true horror flick, it’s still worth viewing if you’re looking for something spooky. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

mother! - Like many of Aronosky’s films, mother! is difficult to define by genre. Though not a typical haunted house film, the bloody, unsettling aspects make it more than a typical psychological thriller. Haunting in a similar fashion of Black Swan, yet broader in theme like The Fountain, this movie is challenging, disturbing and frustrating in the sense that, as a mere viewer, you’re left feeling like there’s something you’ll never fully understand despite being beaten over the head. An not-so-subtle allegory about love, death, creation, mankind, god, and the brutality women must endure, it’s a hideous reminder that, upon even the briefest reflection, life’s cosmic journey is macabre. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Ms. 45 - Ahead of its time, especially considering the unfortunate “rape revenge” sub-genre that seemed to cater to male fantasy than female empowerment. Still, it’s slow build and random scenes toward the finale leave it wanting. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Oh, the knife is a dick. I get it. 

Murder Party - A bit like Tucker and Dale vs. Evil, but for New York art kids. Even for being a horror comedy, there’s only like 20 minutes of horror, which is too bad as there’s material to mine instead of a prolonged rooftop chase scene. If this was a studio production, it’d probably just get 2 pumpkins, but given it’s $200k budget and at-the-time unknown cast, it’s a solid first feature for Jeremy Saulnier and Macon Blair, who went on to make some truly great films. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

National Lampoon’s Class Reunion - Flat out awful; neither a comedy nor a horror. Writer John Hughes claims he was fired from production, though that doesn’t hold much water considering he’s credited as “Girl with bag on head” and went on to write several other Lampoon movies. Director Michael Miller didn’t make another feature film for almost thirty years, which wasn’t long enough. 0 out of 5 pumpkins.

Near Dark - Kathryn Bigelow‘s sophomore film is hampered by its ultimate ending, but the story is original and well produced. Even Bill Paxton’s over-the-top performance is enjoyable. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worst. Vampire. Ever.

The Neon Demon - A spiritual successor to Suspiria, this film from Drive director Nicolas Winding Refn is beautifully shot, but ultimately empty. While both Jena Malone and Keanu Reeves breathe life into their small roles, the cast of models rarely shine. The horrific ending goes a step too far without lingering long enough to truly shock. Though much better than the extremely similar Starry Eyes, it’s difficult to give this film a higher rating. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching for a couple standout scenes. 

Night of the Living Dead - Viewed today the film seems almost tame, but in 1968 it was lambasted for being too gorey and sparked calls for censorship. And to its credit, there wasn’t anything else like it at the time. Romero’s incredibly small budget, Duane Jones‘s great performance, and the film’s unintended symbolism make its success all the more impressive. Kudos to MoMA and The Film Foundation for restoring this important piece of cinema history. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I argue this is a sci-fi film, if you think about it.

A Night to Dismember (The "Lost" Version) - This version appeared on YouTube in the summer of 2018, decades after it was originally filmed. The version that was released in 1989 on VHS, and later in 2001 on DVD, was entirely re-shot with adult film actress Samantha Fox after a disgruntled processing employee destroyed the original negatives. The re-shoot gave the released version of movie its “sexplotation” vibe that director Doris Wishman was know for producing, but he original version is more of a straight-forward psychotic slasher movie with only a scene of campy nudity and stars Diana Cummings, instead of Fox. Gone is the striptease, sex hallucinations, detective character, and asylum plot that were slapped together in the released version, leaving a still somewhat jumbled story of a young woman who goes on a killing spree after becoming possessed by her dead mother, who died in pregnancy, leaving her an orphan. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Poor Mary. Poor Vicki.

Nightmare on Elm Street - Why this movie sparked a generations-long series is almost as puzzling as how Children of the Corn pulled it off as well. The movie flat out ignores basic storytelling devices. Recalling the overall plot, you’re not even sure if the main character is better off alive or dead, given the horrifying reality she already exists within. Consider this: Her father is an authoritarian cop leading the world’s worse police force and her mother is a drunk, possessive vigilante arsonist. University doctors are so inept they focus solely on Colonial-era medicine to the point of ignoring a metaphysical phenomenon, believing teenage girls are attention-starved enough to smuggle hats embroidered with a dead child-killer’s name inside their vaginas to a sleep deprivation study. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. So much for the classics. At least this gave us the future gift of inspiring Home Alone-style defense antics.

Not of This Earth (1988) - This film, and I mean that artistically, was made because the director, Jim Wynorskin, bet he could remake the original on the same inflation-adjusted budget and schedule as the 1957 version by Roger Corman. Traci Lords makes her non-adult film debut and is a better actor than the rest of the cast combined. The gem isn’t so bad it’s good, it’s so godawful it’s incredible. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. I was looking for the trashiest horror movie on Netflix, and I believe I have found it.

One Cut of the Dead - Know as little as possible going into this one. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s impossible to not enjoy this film.

One Dark Night - Starts out interesting, but quickly gets forgetable even with the central location of a haunted cemetery. Worth putting on the background. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Aaaaaadddaaaammmm Weeeeessssst.

The Others - Well-paced, nicely shot, superior acting by Nicole Kidman, ominous tone through out, great ending. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. One of my personal favorites.

Pan's Labyrinth - del Torro’s best work, combining the tinges of war dread and the fantastical elements that would go on to be a key part of his other films. Pale Man is one of the creepiest monsters to ever be captured on screen. Perhaps the biggest horror is that though you’ll cheer for the anarchists, the historical fact is that the Nationalists won and established a dictatorship for nearly forty years. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. No god, no country, no master.

The People Under the Stairs - When the main character of a horror movie would be better placed in a zany after-school sitcom, the entire story is bound to fail. Little did I know how far. Twin Peaks actors aside, the rest of the this movie is so convoluted and poorly explained that it made me hate Panic Room somewhat less. They can't all be winners. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. At the end of this movie, a house explodes and money rains down on poor, mostly black people. Thanks, Wes Craven!

Pet Sematary (2019) - Uninspiring, uneven, and mostly uneventful. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

Poltergeist - If you haven't seen this Steven Speilberg produced & written, but not directed horror movie, it's worth a modern viewing. Original, yet tinged with all the classic elements of fear, this movie manages to tug on the heartstrings like a family-friendly drama while still being creepy as hell. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. The best, most expensive Holiday Inn commercial ever made.

Pontypool - Good, but not as great as hyped. Characters are introduced haphazardly and the explanation for the horror barely tries to make sense. Still, not bad for a movie with essentially three characters stuck in a single location. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Possession (1981) - Described by some die-hard horror fans as a “must see,” I guess I agree. It’s by no means a masterpiece, but it’s bizarre enough to take the time to check out. It’s a sort of Cold War psychological horror as if written by Clive Barker and directed by David Cronenberg. Of course that comparison is necessary for American readers, but Polish director Andrzej Żuławski is an art-house favorite, whose second film was banned by his home government, causing him to move to France. Often panned for “over acting,” Isabelle Adjani actually won best actress at Cannes in 1981. Though, you may find one particular scene as if Shelley Duvall is having a bad acid trip. Part of the appeal of seeing this film is the difficulty in finding a copy. The DVD is out of print, and the new Mondo Blu-ray is limited to 2,000 copies at $70 a piece. Good luck. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. If you’re looking for something weird and very European, seek it out.

Prometheus - Perhaps because Ridley Scott’s return the franchise was expected to be such a welcome refresher after the abysmal failures of others in the series, this one was a pretty big let down. Though there are some cool concepts and frightening scenes, there are anger-inducing plot mistakes and zero sympathetic characters. Michael Fassbender’s performance is terrific, yet not enjoy to be an enjoyable view. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Psycho - Not as great at The Birds, but still one of the best. The superb shots, painfully slow clean up of the first kill, it’s no wonder why the film is landmark for horror. Anthony Perkins is tremendous. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Remember when Gus Van Sant remade this shot-for-shot for literally no reason and lost $30 million? It’s like he has to make one really terrible bomb after each critical hit and then crawl back again.

Pumpkinhead - The production quality of this 80s horror flick is surprisingly high, especially the Henson-like monster. Long story short - asshole dude bro accidentally kills hick kid, hick father calls up demon to seek revenge. All in all, not a bad movie. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Given the title, the monster's head in this movie is shockingly not very pumpkin-like. Boo.

A Quiet Place - John Krasinski gets a lot of credit for playing a well-intentioned father, which is an easier bridge to his well-known character from The Office, rather than a military member, like in many of his other projects. Emily Blunt is wonderful as is Millicent Simmonds. The creatures are scary, reminiscent of The Demogorgon in Stranger Things, and the plot is decent, even without much of an ending. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to enjoy this film as much as I did. It seemed too “mainstream.” And, it is. But it’s also a well-executed, well-acted, well-produced product, which is much more difficult to pull off than it sounds. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth recommending to friends who aren’t even horror fans.

Rabid - No where near the level of Cronenberg’s best or even his subsequent film The Brood, but still very good. Apparently Cronenberg wanted Sissy Spacek to play the lead, but was shot down by the producers. Obviously Marilyn Chambers was selected to play up the porn star angle in the hopes of greater marketing for the indie, horror film out of Canada, but she does a great job in her first mainstream role. If you like any Cronenberg has done, you should watch this one. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Raw - A terrific coming-of-age, sexual-awakening, body-horror film that manages to retain its heart even as it pushes the limits. One of the best horror movies of the last decade. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Nom-nom.

Re-Animator - Creepy actor Jeffrey Combs is also in The Frighteners, which makes it a good nod in that flick. "Say hello to these, Michael!" When you see it, you'll get it. What can be said of this movie? It's crazy. It's great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Gory, campy, funny and scary all at once, a definite classic.

Ready or Not - I wouldn’t go so far as to call this movie “clever,” but it’s certainly better than its absurd premise. Samara Weaving’s performance is really the only thing that keeps people watching. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Killing all the attractive help is played off as a joke, but . . . it’s not? At least rich people die.

Repulsion - After having to listen to her sister being drilled by some limey prick night after night in their shared apartment and a series of unwanted street advances triggers her past trauma, a young woman rightfully kills a stalker turned home intruder and her rapist landlord. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Return of The Living Dead  - This movie doesn’t give a wink and nod to horror tropes, it reaches out of the fourth wall to slap you in the face to create new ones. There’s an entire character that is just naked the whole movie. I understand that just because it’s a joke it doesn’t mean it’s not still sexist. But, also, you know, boobs. 4 out 5 pumpkins. What was created as camp became the foundation for modern zombies.

Return of the Living Dead III - A love story of sorts that takes a more series turn than the original. At first, I didn’t enjoy the uneven balance of camp and earnestness, but it oddly grows on you. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching to see what you think.

The Ritual - A Netflix original that is better than it needs to be about regret, trauma, and fear that gets right into the action and wraps fairly satisfying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Rosemary's Baby - If you're looking for a sure party killer this October, put on this number and watch your guests fall asleep! Often forgot, the beginning and end of Rosemary's Baby are terrifying, expertly filmed scenes of dread, but the middle is a two-hour wink to the film's conclusion revolving around an expectant mother. Still, few other films can capture fear the way Polanski's does; all the more impressive that it stands up today. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. If you haven't seen this film, you owe it to yourself to watch it this season.

Scanners - Cronenberg’s 1981 film feels like a much more successful version of what De Palma attempted with The Fury. Dark, paranoid, and ultra-gory in key scenes, Scanners isn’t quite the perfect sci-fi horror, but it’s damn close. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Scream - For a movie that birthed an annoying amount of sequels and spoofs, it's sort of sad that Wes Craven's meta-parody ended up creating a culture of the very movies he was trying to rail against. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Worth watching again, even if you saw it last year.

Sea Fever - A good, but not great, tense thriller on sea. Plus, an important lesson in quarantine. Ultimately, it doesn’t go far enough to present its horror. A well-made, and even well-paced film with a limited cast and sparse special effects, though. There’s nothing explicitly “wrong” as the movie progresses, but a tighter script and bigger ratcheting of the horror could have made it a classic. The ending is kinda cheesy the more I think about it. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Could’ve used a sex scene with some impending doom is all I’m saying!

The Sentinel - I really wanted to love this one. Downstairs lesbians! Birthday parties for cats! Late 70s New York! Alas, its shaky plot and just baffling lack of appropriate cues make it mostly a jumbled mess only worth watching if that slow-burn 70s horror aesthetic is your thing. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shallows - Mostly a vehicle for Blake Lively’s launch from TV to the big screen, this movies isn’t particularly good or bad. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. The shark has a powerful vendetta against Lively. What did she do?!

Shaun of the Dead - First in Three Flavours Cornetto, some of the jokes don’t land as well as they did in 2004, but still a great spin on the zombie genre with loads of laughs and a bit of heart. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Shining - The pinnacle of the form. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. "So why don't you start now and get the fuck outta here!" Harsh, but come on, Wendy kinda sucks.

Shivers - Cronenberg’s 1975 shocker flick is . . . fine. You certainly get to see how some of his body horror themes started. Cronenberg himself seems to see it as more of a film to watch to understand what not to do as a young director. If you’re a completist, definitely check it out. Otherwise just skip to 1977′s Rabid, if you’re looking for Cronenberg’s earlier work. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Not bad considering it was shot in two weeks.

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Whoo, boy. This one’s a ride. A decidedly anti-PC flick that caused calls for boycotts when it was first released, this movie is full of assault and uncomfortable situations. It’s also hilarious, gory, and worth watching in a large group. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Punish.

Sleepaway Camp - I must be missing something, because like Children of the Corn, I can’t understand why this movie became a cult-classic. A guy who openly talks about wanting to rape children is gruesomely maimed, so there’s that? I guess. A couple of these “kids” are definitely 34, while others are 14. Is this the basis for Wet Hot American Summer? I don’t know or care. 2 out 5 pumpkins. Just watch Friday the 13th.

Slither - Almost on the level of other spoofs, but with a few groan-worthy moments. Definitely one to watch if looking for something fun. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Not for the bug fearing.

The Slumber Party Massacre - Rita Mae Brown wrote this movie as a parody of the slasher genre that spawned so many Halloween copycats. It’s a bit unfortunate that we didn’t get her version. Author of pioneering lesbian novel Rubyfruit Jungle, Brown’s script was turned into a more straight-forward flick, giving the movie some baffling humor, like when one of the girls decides to eat the pizza from the dead delivery boy, and some untended humor, like the Sylvester Stallone issue of Playgirl. Lesbians undertones still prevail, as do lingering shots of gratuitous nudity, and enough phallic symbolism to write a paper about. All in all, a fun, albeit uneven movie with pretty decent dialogue. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: Director Amy Holden Jones got her start as an assistant on Taxi Driver, passed on editing E.T. after Roger Corman offered to finance early filming for her directorial debut, and later went on to write Mystic Pizza, Beethoven, Indecent Proposal, and The Relic. Bonus fact: Playgirl was able to get nude photos of Stallone based on his first movie The Party at Kitty and Stud’s (aka The Italian Stallion), for which Stallone was reportedly paid $200 to star in during a period in his life when he was desperate and sleeping in a New York bus station.

The Slumber Party Massacre II - If the first movie was a knock-off of Halloween, this is a bizarre rip-off of The Nightmare on Elm Street with a rockabilly twist. It’s hard to tell if this is a parody or a sort of musical vehicle for the Driller Killer, who—to his credit—is somehow almost charismatic enough to it pull off. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Somehow the weirdest movie I’ve ever watched.

The Slumber Party Massacre III - A return to form, in some respects. All the elements of the original are there: a slumber party, gratuitous nudity, a drill. But the driller killer’s poor-man’s Patrick Bateman character quickly becomes tired. Not terrible for a slasher flick, but not very good either. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. How many lamps to the head can Ken take? 

Species - If I asked you to name a movie staring Sir Benjamin Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker and Michelle Williams, would you guess Species? No, no you fucking wouldn't. We all know Species, but I, like most, erased it from my memory. This was helpful for two reasons: first because for about the first half of the movie, you think there might be a decent flick happening - baring some obvious flaws of a blockbuster. Second because - holy shit - you get to see a ton of naked breasts in this movie, like way more than I remember. Unfortunately, about halfway through Species someone must have come in and realized having the B-squad Scully & Mulder be one step behind every instinct killing was boring as shit, and flashing tits every 20 mins wasn't going to hack it. Whatever Hollywood dickbag crafted this turd failed to realize the casting of the actor forever known as Bud from Kill Bill is the only white, macho-postering character that morons want to root for. And so we get a squint-faced protagonist getting blow jobs from a coworker scientist and an ending dumber than the boob tentacles he should have been strangled with. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. There are worse horror movies, but there are also much better ones.

Starry Eyes - A thinly-veiled critique on Hollywood’s abusive history with actresses, the movie starts out well, but lags in the third act before a gruesome finale. Sort of a low-rent Mulholland Drive. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Watch out for that barbell, Ashley. 

The Stuff - Odd, mostly because of its uneven tone. Like if The Blob, The Live, and Canadian Bacon raised a baby and that disappointed its parents, like all babies eventually do. There are some good horror and comedic moments, but none of which make it great. The sound editing is remarkably bad, and the poor cuts make no sense given its scope. Oh well. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Suspiria - More of a focus on set, sound, and color than characters, Suspiria is reminiscent of the Japanese classic House, but with a more straightforward story. The Italian director, English language, and German setting make for an interesting, offbeat feel that adds to the overall weirdness of the movie. One cringe worthy scene in particular makes up for its immediate lack of logic, and the soundtrack by Goblin stands up on its own. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Sexist note: there’s a shocking lack of boobs given the subject matter.

Suspiria (2018) - Another in a long line of unnecessary remakes, though technically more of an homage. Luca Guadagnino’s version was supposedly developed for years alongside Tilda Swinton, who plays three different characters. Truthfully, without any attachment to the original, this could have been a muddled, but remarkable film. Thom Yorke’s score is perfect in certain scenes, yet detracting in others. The plot is similar in this manner. Some scenes are haunting and dense, but others needlessly detailed. The dance scenes are terrific, but weighed down by the larger war themes. The ending’s gore-fest is hampered by too much CGI, but still demonically fun. Fans of the original won’t find the weird, colorful elements to love, but it’s a good movie, albeit thirty minutes too long. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Good premise; found footage in the vein of Blair Witch Project of a demon possession disguised as Alzheimer’s disease. But, the movie can’t decide if it wants to stick to its foundation of a student documentary or veer into the studio-style editing and affects of theatrical release. Which is unfortunate as the former would have made it stand-out among a pack of mediocre ghost stories, while the later distracts from the setting it seeks to establish. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Teeth - A movie about the myth of vagina dentata could have been absolutely deplorable, but with the bar so low, Teeth does a pretty good job. Jess Weixler is a functional actress, not necessarily stand-out, but certainly far better than the role requires. Trying to tightrope walk between comedy and horror is never a task a creator should set out upon without a clear vision. Unfortunately, this one seems a bit blurry. One its release, Boston Globe said the movie “runs on a kind of angry distrust toward boys.” Not bad advice. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Terrifier - Do you want to see a naked woman hung upside down and sawed from gash to forehead? Then this is the movie for you. That’s it. There’s not much else here. Gino Cafarelli is good as the pizza guy. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. The clown is scary, though.

The Terror - A classic haunted throwback from Roger Corman, but without the nudity and gore his later work is infamous for. A young Jack Nicholson proves he was always kind of a prick. Boris Karloff does his best. The plot is pretty boring, but it’s a decent movie that you might stumble upon on a lazy afternoon on cable TV. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Tobe Hooper’s 1974 persuasive argument for vegetarianism is just as terrifying today as it was when it was released. Just as Halloween launched a thousand imitators, the hues and low angles in this film set the standard for horror for years and, unfortunately, laid the groundwork for more exploitative movies offered referred to as “torture porn.” Though gory, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s sense of weird dread is established well before the chainsaw rips, and though many have tried to follow in its footsteps, none have captured the lighting that adds to the overall queasy moments of the film. There’s a kind of simplistic beauty to such unexplained brutality, and perhaps because it was first, all others since haven’t seemed as artistically valuable. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. So, umm, what do you think happened to the Black Maria truck driver?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003) - The only decent carry over from this remake is John Larroquette as the narrator. Over-washed tones, over-the-top gore and unsympathetic characters make this film more than unnecessary, placing among the worst horror remakes of all time. Robert Ebert gave it one of his rare 0 stars, reserved for works he found genuinely appalling such as I Spit On Your Grave, The Human Centipede 2, and most infamously John Waters’s Pink Flamingos. 1 out of 5 pumpkins.

They Live - “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… And I'm all out of bubblegum." 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Thing - Trying to give this film an honest review is almost impossible. Cast out on its release for being too bizarre and gory, Carpenter’s nihilist tale has since come to be seen as a masterpiece for its special effects, bleak tone, and lasting impact on other creators. Is it perfect? No, but it’s damn close. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. MacReady’s assimilated. Deal with it.

Train to Busan - A bit too predictable, but a solid, well-paced zombie action flick that’s smarter than most American blockbusters from Korean director Yeon Sang-ho, who is better known for his semi-autobiographical animated features. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

Tucker & Dale vs. Evil - I really didn't expect much out of this movie, but it's actually really, really funny and a really gory spoof. Not quite on the scale of The Cabin in the Woods, but still pretty damn great. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. If you don't think people getting hacked up by a chainsaw in certain contexts can be funny, then this probably ain't your bag.

Twins of Evil - An enjoyable, somewhat smutty vampire movie from the famous British studio Hammer Films, staring Peter Cushing and Playboy Playmates the Collinson twins. Directed by John Hough, who also directed The Legend of Hell House, the film doesn’t break any new ground and is loaded with over-acting, but it’s well-paced, wonderfully set, and generally fun to watch, where the Puritan witchfinders are just as horrible as the vampires. Not as great as Black Sunday, but still worth viewing. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Let Joachim speak, you racists.

Under the Skin - Mesmerizing and haunting. The less you know going into this film the better. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. Quite possibly Scarlett Johansson’s best work.

Under the Silver Lake - Technically a “comedic neo-noir,” whatever the fuck that means; in any case David Robert Mitchell (It Follows) tries to do too much over too long of a run time. Andrew Garfield gives a decent performance, especially considering he’s in almost every frame of the film. But the edge-of-subtly that made It Follows so modern and terrifying is replaced by a silk, wandering, and heavy-handed stroll through the powerful Los Angeles entertainment Illuminati. Certainly there’s material there, but instead of being a radical stab at the very real institutions of pop-culture that treat young women as nothing more than disposable meat, we drift in and out of a young man’s lust that revels in objectification without the sleazy charm of exploitation flicks or the critical eye of outright satire. Even the eerily presence of the Owl Woman can’t level-up what is an exercise in arrested development for hipsters. 2 out of 5 pumpkins. Despite this negative review, Mitchell still has plenty of potential to make another great film. Whether he deserves that chance is different question.

Us - Jordan Peele’s second film is even better than his great debut. Us isn’t perfect, but hints at what Peele could create in the future. Unnecessary explanation and slightly oddly timed humor are present, like in Get Out, but more restrained. Peele’s talent for making modern horror accessible to the widest audience is laudable. Still, I can’t wait to see what he makes two or three films down the road. I suspect more than one could come close to equaling that of Kubrik’s The Shinning. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. 

Vampire’s Kiss - Is it a horror? Is it a comedy? Is it a parody? Drama? This movie truly defies genre due to the inexplicable acting choices made by Nicholas Cage. His odd affectation doesn’t change from sentence to sentence, but word to word. It’s like he’s trying to play three different characters across three different acts all at once. Is it good? Not really. But, I mean, see it. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Vampyros Lesbos - After vigorous encouragement from my academic colleagues, I decided to watch this 1971 Spanish-German film for, umm, science. Shot in Turkey and staring the tragic Soledad Miranda, Jesús Franco’s softcore horror jumps right into full-frontal nudity and attempts a sort of story involving Count Dracula that moves forward through uninteresting monologues and shaky camera work. It’s not awful, but there’s no reason to watch it. If it was playing in the background at a dive bar, it might have a tinge of charm. Other than some close moments of near-unapologetic queer sex, despite being created almost entirely for the male gaze, it’s just another in the pile of European exploitation. Still, it’s fun to daydream about Istanbul being ruled by a dark-haired demonic lesbian; beats the hell out of what we have in our reality. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. Fun fact: The soundtrack found renewed fame in 1990′s Britain, causing it to finally find distribution into America.

The Vault - A serviceable, but ultimately boring horror take on a bank heist that tries to hard to end with a twist. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

V/H/S - Every review I've seen for this movie is generally positive, but that only reaffirms my belief that most people are easily pleased by unintelligent, unoriginal bullshit. A Blair Witch-style story-within-a-story collection of shorts, I couldn't get past the first borderline date-rape, little-girl, sexually confused, monster story. Fuck this trope. Fuck this movie. The much delayed glorification of grisly murder of the offending male villains is hardly radical and only further supports the stereotypes of patriarchy much as it attempts to subvert a worn genre. 0 out of 5 pumpkins. I hate the world.

Videodrome - Cronenberg’s best film. James Woods’s best role; it’s a shame that he’s total piece of shit in real life. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Long live the new flesh.

The Wailing - Despite clocking in at over two and half hours, this part zombie/part demon horror movie from Korean director Na Hong-jin isn’t a slow burn, but rather an intriguing maze of twists and turns as the main character (and audience) struggles to find the truth about a mysterious, murderous diseases sweeping through a small village. Actor Do-won Kwak gives an especially captivating performance. Though the ending packs a powerful punch, the overlapping lies and half-truths told over the course of the film makes it a bit difficult to suss out the evil roots. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

We Are Still Here - What sets out as a slowly paced ghost story turns into something of a gore-fest towards the ends, which doesn’t make it bad so much out of place. 3 out fo 5 pumpkins. Could’ve been a contender.

We Are What We Are - A remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 film, the American version takes its time getting to the horror before going a step too far at the end. Still, the ever-present knowledge that you’re watching a cannibal film makes some of predictable moments all-the-more horrifying. 3 out of 5 pumpkins.

Wes Craven’s New Nightmare - The novel charm of Craven’s meta Freddy saga has worn with age. Heather Langernkamp is passable, but not enough to carry the film and Robert Englund out of makeup shatters the pure evil illusion of his character. Interesting to see some of the ideas that would later synthesize in Scream, but otherwise kind of a bore. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

The Witch: A New-England Folktale - A deeply unsettling period-piece that reflects on American religion and its violent fear of feminine power. 5 out of 5 pumpkins. Trust no goat.

The Witches - Roald Dahl’s story is ultimately crushed by a changed ending, however, Nicolas Roeg‘s adaptation up to that point is a fun, creepy movie people of any age can enjoy. 4 out of 5 pumpkins. It’s really a shame the original ending was changed.

Wolfcop - When a movie’s title promises so much, maybe it’s not fair to judge. But there’s so much campy potential in a werewolf cop picture that it’s kind of a bummer to see it executed at level that makes you wonder if it wasn’t made by high school kids whose favorite movie is Super Troopers. 1 out of 5 pumpkins. God, the movie’s horrible.

The World’s End - The final chapter in the Three Flavours Cornetto and the best, showcasing a wealth of talent at the top of their game. 4 out of 5 pumpkins.

XX - Admittedly, I don’t care much for the recent spring of short horror anthologies. Rarely do they have enough time to build the necessary suspense horror movies require. Still, two of the shorts are OK, one is pretty good, and one is bad. So, not a total loss. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

You’re Next - Home-invasion horror as never been my cup of hippie tea as it feeds into the 2nd Amendment hero fantasy of American males. That said, this dark-comedy take on it isn't bad. Some things don’t really add up. For example: Are you telling me that the deep woods home of a former defense corporation employee doesn’t have a single gun stashed somewhere? Bullshit. Anyway, who doesn’t want to see a rich family’s bickering dinner interrupted by a gang of psycho killers? 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus rating: 6 out of 10 would fuck in front of their dead mother. (Sorry, mom.)

Zombeavers - No one would say this is a good movie, but it also doesn’t take itself too seriously. Not at funny as Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, and certainly more formulaic, this one’s only worth watching if you’re bored. 2 out of 5 pumpkins.

Zombi 2 - Lucio Fulci’s unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead is one of his best films. But even though Fulci crafted some of the best zombies to ever appear on screen—filmed in the bright, Caribbean sun, the film suffers, as most of his do, from some unnecessary, borderline confusing plot points and poor dubbing. Still, well worth watching on a lazy day, especially for the final act, when the protaganists fight off a zombie hoard inside a burning church. 3 out of 5 pumpkins. Bonus: topless scuba diving zombie shark fight, which is also my new DJ name.

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[lovercumberlover]

Benedict Cumberbatch On Journey Of ‘Patrick Melrose,’ More ‘Sherlock,’ Brexit, ‘Dr. Strange’ & Pay Equity Transparency

by Dominic Patten 

SPOILER ALERT: This story contains details of tomorrow’s Patrick Melrose finale on Showtime and the ending of Avengers: Infinity War.

“This is a window into English society and a particular story and a very cherished character that is very unusual, I think, in dramatic terms,” Benedict Cumberbatch says of Patrick Melrose, the limited series about addiction and abuse at the enriched upper echelon that concludes tomorrow on Showtime. “We have seen the deprivations of addiction and sexual abuse in many courses of society, maybe not as much in this course of English society and so yes, it’s a very different take on something we know from other dramas,” the Emmy winner and Oscar nominee adds.

As devotees of Edward St. Aubyn’s Booker Prize-nominated books know, the story of the fast-witted and deeply wounded Melrose ends with a 2005 funeral, some forgiveness and a new start of sorts. Of course, as Cumberbatch admits, it is quite the journey – which is in many ways the point of the series co-starring Jennifer Jason Leigh, Hugo Weaving, Prasanna Punwanarajah and Allison Williams.

While Cumberbatch firmly declined to discuss his recent halting of an attack on a London cyclist by muggers, the actor was very chatty about the Melrosebucket-list project, which he led and produced as well. In addition, having disappeared in a puff of dust in his role of Dr. Strange in the blockbuster Avengers: Infinity War, Cumberbatch spoke of what’s next for Marvel’s supreme sorcerer. He also offered some insight on whether a return to Baker Street in his award-winning Sherlock is in the offing, his upcoming Brexit project and why grownups need to sit down and speak forthrightly about who is paid what.

DEADLINE: Unlike a lot of adaptations, the Patrick Melrose limited series stayed pretty true to the five Patrick Melrose books by Edward St. Aubyn. Was that a difficult path to stay on when the small-screen medium has its own possibilities for telling the story?

CUMBERBATCH: I was very nervous about it, despite it being a bucket-list role because I knew the books had quite rightfully a variety of very passionate of devotees and they are difficult to adapt. There’s such rich source material and extraordinary set pieces in the books as they are.

DEADLINE: Such as, because you obviously melded a few different parts together at times too.

CUMBERBATCH: Such as the near-schizoid episode of voices fighting for control of him, in that moment of possession in the hotel room. When he’s pushing himself to the very limit of his capacity to consume drugs, at near a suicidal limit, and that sort of leaps off the pages and actually, like oh my God, that would be an extraordinary thing to try and play or portray.

DEADLINE: Why?

CUMBERBATCH: Well, that horror show of internal voices and the struggle they all make for the demands on him and how powerful an influence they are on him and so I took that scene and tried to rework it. I am not a writer, but I looked back to the book and I took another section and I wanted it to ramp up to a confrontation with his father, with him like brother, like Hamlet — or some productions of Hamlet — being consumed by his father’s spirit and impersonating his father’s voice and that being the source of near-cliff-edge moments.

And there were countless other moments: the scenes with HRH, the confrontations with his mother, with his father, the dinner scene in what is in Book One but Episode 2 of ours. The whole story leads towards that fateful day when he’s first abused by his father.

DEADLINE: Now it’s funny, Benedict, that you mentioned Hamlet because obviously you did Hamlet not too long ago on stage in London.

CUMBERBATCH: (laughs) Dominic, it’s entirely purposeful.

DEADLINE: Purposeful perhaps, but your Patrick is a very different look at the English upper class than audiences are used to on this side of the pond.

CUMBERBATCH: You know, this is a window into English society and a particular story and a very cherished character that is very unusual, I think, in dramatic terms. We have seen the deprivations of addiction and sexual abuse in many courses of society, maybe not as much in this course of English society, and so yes, it’s a very different take on something we know from other dramas.

DEADLINE: Patrick Melrose the series has received a lot of acclaim, but still, do you think that new and much harsher perspective on the country house backdrop, a favorite subject matter, is potentially jarring to an American audience?

CUMBERBATCH: I know it’s quite a stretch to ask an audience to go on this journey. It’s not an easy watch but God knows it wasn’t an easy life and it’s certainly not an easy journey that Patrick goes on, so pity the audience but pity the subject even more. I think it’s fantastic that people have stuck with it.

DEADLINE: Clearly Edward’s books are the primary window, as you said, through which we view this look at addiction. So how — besides an obvious path not taken — did you, director Edward Berger and others on the production seek to capture a genuine insight on the matter?

CUMBERBATCH: We were very much advised by two people who were addicts as well as having been very honest about his own experiences. I didn’t want to alienate that world at all. I wanted them to feel, however, uncomfortable the watch might be, that we were being accurate. But also, I think that this is a story of salvation, so it’s universal. You don’t have to have experienced the trauma that he has on any level to go on the journey.

DEADLINE: How so?

CUMBERBATCH: I think that’s a testament to Teddy’s work, that it is so sort of surreal, I guess, that it goes beyond class and era even. It’s something that, yes, he is, as one of the characters said, a well healed addict, but we see him very nearly hitting rock bottom. And as you probably know, and I certainly know as in research wise, you sit around a table or in a group meeting and every walk of life is in that room from the Wall Street banker to the guy on the street corner. You know, addiction takes in all of us.

DEADLINE: Speaking of addiction taking us all in, there are two other roles you’ve played that have elements of that in them in Sherlock Holmes and to a lesser degree, Stephen Strange. So, it is incumbent upon me to ask if you will be returning to those roles, especially after the way the Strange character ends up at the end of Avengers: Infinity War.

CUMBERBATCH: (laughs) Oh, Strange? Just try to stop me. That’s all kind of lined up as far as I’m aware, but who knows? I mean, you know, the problem is, how does he get out of where he’s at. But that’s the only thing. I’m bits of dust at the moment as far as I understand. So you really have to ask (Marvel Studios president) Kevin Feige. But as far as wanting to do it, yeah, I would love to go back into that role.

As far as wanting to do Sherlock, I am having a great time at the moment doing other things, but we never say never.

DEADLINE: Putting your money where your mouth is, a matter you did have something to say about recently was pay equity and that its time or time’s up on not having a frank and fair discussion about that. From the remarks you gave to Radio Times magazine and the stance of your SunnyMarch production company, this is a priority for you but how do you think it needs to be addressed?

CUMBERBATCH: It’s important for us to acknowledge the pay gap and to do something about deliberately making a stance to correct that. It will take a great deal of effort, not just from women trying to break through but also men offering parity. I just think people need to know that men are supportive of this. I can only speak for myself, so I’m not speaking for mankind, but just to say that I think it’s incumbent on me and my position to seek and understanding, and what has to start with all this is transparency about such issues. Not in the public domain but between artists and their management and producers and that conversation, I can guarantee, is already starting to happen

DEADLINE: Really?

CUMBERBATCH: Absolutely. Look, it’s just a taboo subject. So, if it’s to change, we all need to sit around a table and act like grownups and go, “This is the pie and this is how the pie came to the table. This is how much of the pie you’re contributing, so there’s how much you should eat and it’s got nothing to do with gender and everything to do with parenting the workplace.”

DEADLINE: Your workplace will see you shifting from addiction as a theme to Brexit, with a script for Channel 4 by James Graham about leading Leave strategist Dominic Cummings. This is more television for you but also a one-off. Is that a matter of preference for the small-screen medium or scheduling?

CUMBERBATCH: Well, a bit of both, I guess. It’s an extraordinary script. They are few and far between, those standalone moments where you know this is a moment. This is a piece that has incredible cultural resonance with what’s going on in our country and the revelations. it was just a brilliant, brilliant read.

DEADLINE: It was the prose not the politics that drew you in?

CUMBERBATCH: I just thought I have to do this. It’s sort of an extraordinarily brilliant eye opener and you know we’ve heard a lot it, a lot of revelations, through the feed of media with drama sometimes have a better ability to crystalize complex and disparate narratives into an hour or two-hour long format, in this case. It can condense those complex arguments into one piece of drama and then people can sit back and investigate the truth behind the drama and make their own decisions. It’s extraordinary to read a script about a story you know the outcome to and be as thrilled and held in suspense and as enthralled as I was when I first read James’ brilliant, brilliant script.

He’s a very interesting character, Dominic Cummings, a brilliant man. Yes, he obviously very much divides people as this argument does. It’s polarized a nation, so it’s an important thing for us to examine, I think, as storytellers. It’s not telling anyone what to think, it’s just going well this is what we know now and this is it in dramatic form about events that happened that weren’t necessarily in the public domain It’s kind of fascinating and it blew my mind when I read it and I can’t wait for people to see it.

DEADLINE: Earlier you called Patrick Melrose a bucket-list project for you, but, with so much shifting in time and space — and that’s not a Doctor Strange reference — why now to take it on?

CUMBERBATCH: You know, these books lay out a very particular set of circumstances and the personal dilemma of them. So, of course, the older you get the wiser you get for whatever reason, but I think for these books, I had to be somewhere in the balance of his age.

The beauty of having that prose as a tool to characterize that dynamic is that they are so rich in their detail and their back story, in the depth of analysis of internal working of this man as well as wider positions and lenses on the human condition, or some certain strata of English society or politics, or general attitudes. Whether they be sexual, or to do with parenting, it’s all there in the material.

https://deadline.com/2018/06/benedict-cumberbatch-patrick-melrose-finale-interview-sherlock-doctor-strange-update-video-1202405561/

#benedict cumberbatch #sherlock #patrick melrose #deadline #interwiew #doctor strange

[cubcanoe1-blog]

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The African United States slave languages 'Ewe' as well as 'Wolof' both contained the word 'all right' to indicate 'excellent'. Slavery in the United States efficiently began in 1620 and lasted till 1865, so this was absolutely a very early American beginning of the term.

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Currently a large computer system would certainly have 32,000 words of memory. top dog - employer - initially an American expression from the 2nd Globe Battle, derived from the Japanese 'hancho' implying team leader. house pleasant house - sentimental expression of home - from American John Howard Payne's words for the 1823 opera, The Maid of Milan, the tune's word's are" Be it never ever so humble, there's no area like residence'. heck to pay - seriously bad repercussions - a maritime expression; 'pay' meant to waterproof a ship's appears with tar. Most likely originated from the expression 'the devil to pay and no pitch hot', in which words heck and pay indicate something apart from what we might think from this expression. See' evil one to pay ', which discusses the maritime technicalities of the expression in more information.

knuckle-duster - weapon worn over clenched fist - the term 'dust' suggested 'beat', from the technique of cleaning carpetings; an early expression for beating somebody was to 'dirt your coat'. kick the bucket - die - in very early English a pail was a beam of light or pulley, by which butchered pigs or oxen were hung by their feet. After being butchered the feet of the strung-up carcass would certainly hit or 'kick' the pail. A comparable example was likewise utilized in the old expression 'kick the beam of light', which suggested to be of really light weight, the beam being the cross-member of weighing ranges; a light frying pan on one side would fly up as well as 'kick' the beam. The 'bite the dust' expression influenced a 2007 funny film called Container Listing, referring to a list of points to do before passing away.

The practise of guaranteeing a regular consumption of vitamin C in this way additionally triggered the term 'limey', used by immigrants initally to imply a British seafarer, and also later encompassed British males typically. Grog is particularly popular as a jargon term for beer in Australia. greyhound - competing dog - Prior to 1200 this word was most likely 'greahunt' as well as originates from European languages 'grea' or comparable, implying 'bitch', plus hound certainly. The earlier description revealed here was a load of nonsense (initially 'grayhound' these pet dogs utilized to hunt badgers, which were called 'grays' ), and also should have related to the 'dachshund' word origin.

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FemTouch is currently not covered by insurance, however it should be covered by your HSA plan.

therapy location: belly.

This territorial significance of pale derives from its earlier definition for a sharp wood risk used for fence, or the limit itself, from the French 'chum' and Latin 'palus', risk. over the top - excessive behavior or response, beyond the bounds of preference - the expression and acronym variation seem to have actually become a popular expression during the 1980s, probably first originating in London. Additional popularised by a 1980s late-night London ITV show called OTT, generated from the earlier anarchic children's Saturday morning program 'T iswas'.

Is Femilift FDA approved?

FemiLift is extremely safe and received FDA approval because it meets the criteria of effectively treating vaginal laxity, with no risk to the patient.

Most individuals imagine that the container is a jug, yet as a matter of fact pail refers to the old pulley-beam as well as pig-slaughtering. khaki - brown or green colour, or clothing product of such colour, specifically of military uniforms - words khaki is from the Urdu language, implying messy, stemmed from the older Persian word khak definition dust.

Is the Mona Lisa procedure safe?

The FDA says that so far, it has received 14 reports of adverse reactions to laser vaginal rejuvenation procedures, including burns, burning sensations, scarring and significant post-treatment pain. Since it cannot determine exactly how risky the MonaLisa Touch procedure is, it has not been approved.

nutmeg - in football, to defeat an opposing player by pressing the sphere between his legs - nutmegs was English jargon from 17-19thC for testicles. It's also vernacular for a deceptiveness or rip off, originating from early 19thC UNITED STATES, referring to the wooden nutmegs supposedly made for export in Connecticut. I believe both definitions contributed to the contemporary football use. label - a different acquainted name for somebody or something - from 'an eke name' which became composed 'a neke name'; 'eke' is an exceptionally old word meaning 'likewise'. It was additionally an old English word for an expanding section included in the base of a beehive. moon/moony/moonie - program bare butts, especially from a relocating vehicle - moon has been slang for the butts considering that the mid 18thC, likewise including the anus, the anus, and from late 19thC moon additionally indicated anal sexual intercourse.

What does ThermiVa help with?

ThermiVa can be used as a mild female incontinence treatment by tightening and firming the tissues under the bladder, reducing stress-related leaks and urge incontinence. Non-Invasive Sessions – ThermiVa is a completely non-surgical procedure that does not require anesthesia or any recovery period.

Cellulite Buster 8: Oily Fish.

The Lego firm, regardless of numerous barriers and also traumas in the process, has actually come to be a remarkable organisation. In 2000 the British Association of Plaything Retailers named Lego's block construction system the Toy of the Century. Lego ® is certainly a signed up hallmark belonging to the Lego ® corporation. kowtow - to show excellent deference to someone, or do their bidding - often mis-spelled 'Cow-Tow', the correct word is Kowtow, the origin is Chinese, where the word suggesting the same as in English.

exactly How Hifu deals With The Prostate.

Today the 'hear listen to' expression could probably be utilized by any individual in a conference wanting to reveal support for an audio speaker or perspective shared, although it will be viewed by numerous nowadays as an odd or stuffy means of merely claiming 'I concur'. Let's encounter it, the House of Commons, residence of the expression, is not the best instance of modern-day positive debate and communications.

Hifu Facelift therapy In London.

in By the way this kind of halo is not the derivation of halogen - halogen is rather from Greek halos meaning salt. grog - beer or various other alcoholic drink - after Admiral Edward Vernon, that because he used a grogram cloak was called 'old grog' by his sailors;.

The string will certainly be totally taken in by the body within nine months, as well as the renewal effect will last for between one as well as a half to two years without any more stimulation.

Using a HIFU, or High-Intensity Focused Ultrasound, tool called the Ultraformer III, we are able to provide an even more comfy option to the Ultherapy therapy while being as reliable.

With mindful support, the result might continue for longer.

For this treatment, there is no need to do anything in particular to prepare.

The treatment we offer lasts in between minutes and has no downtime, triggering only mild redness.

Nevertheless, we would certainly recommend you to use comfortable clothing, as well as additionally remove any type of makeup that you are using.

As soon as we get rid of the gel and also you will certainly observe an instantaneous lift, which will remain to slowly enhance over the following nine months.

Both programs featured as well as urged various outrageous tasks among audience as well as guests. The order for soldiers to move up as well as out of the trenches to strike the enemy lines has long been revealed as going 'over the top'. Words omnishambles was introduced to be 'word of the year' by the OED, which suggests a high level of popular charm, given that the popular OED statements regarding brand-new words are created for publicity and to be commonly powerful. Omnishambles is a portmanteau of omni as well as mess (mayhem, stemmed from earlier definition of a slaughterhouse/meat-market). The word was ultimately promoted in the UK media when goverment opposition leader Ed Miliband referred in the legislative Prime Minister's Inquiries, April 2012, to the government's budget plan being an omnishambles. Probably even pre-dating this was a derivation of the phonetic audio 'fine' meaning good, from a word in the indigenous American Choctow language.

It is totally logical that words be used in noun and verb type to define the trainee trick, from 1950s according to Cassell. The derivation is certainly based on images, and practically could additionally have actually been strengthened by the similarity of two O remains in words to a couple of round buttocks.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon was the very first to offer rum watered down with water and also lime juice to seamen, instead of neat rum, and also his seafarers called the brand-new drink 'grog'. fat legs treatment was chiefly to enhance resistance to the disease, scurvy, which arised from vitamin C deficiency.

Persian, currently extra commonly called Farsi, is the major language of Iran and also Afghanistan, and also is additionally spoken in Iraq. Urdu is partly-derived from old Persian as well as is a central language in Pakistan as well as India.

Does insurance pay for ThermiVa?

Please note: ThermiVa is not covered by insurance and pricing is subject to change. For your convenience, we offer United Medical Credit and Care Credit to help patients secure the funding they need for their healthcare procedures.

Have Your Skin tags gotten Rid Of For just ₤ 159.

Tan ended up being toe when misinterpreted from the plural of ta, between the 12th as well as 15th centuries. Incidentally there are numerous selections of mistletoe around the world and several traditions and superstitious notions surrounding this weird types.

Can my boyfriend tell if I slept with someone else?

Your boyfriend could even recognize that you have been with another man. When you're having sex with someone, it's very easy to leave physical evidence behind, so to speak. Even if you clean up thoroughly, your boyfriend might catch subtle hints that you have been with someone else.

What Treatments Are readily Available For Skin Tag Removal?

Khaki, from Urdu, entered English initially via the British cavalry pressure serving in India from 1846, as well as was consequently adopted as the name for the colour of British army uniforms, as well as of the product itself. open up a keg of nails - have a drink, specifically with the objective of getting drunk - the expression 'open a keg of nails' has remained in use because the 1930s USA when it initially meant to get drunk on corn whiskey. https://beampea1.werite.net/post/2020/11/10/Femilift-Laser-For-vaginal-firm is based upon opening a keg of beverage whose components are enormous. Therefore the association between nails as well as the powerful impacts of strong and/or a great deal of alcohol is an all-natural one for people to use and connect to.

#hifu treatment #facelift #fat freezing #femiwand #Cryo #Cryopen #cellulite #Femiwand treatment #skin tag removal #Bucks vaginal tightening #hifu facial #fat freezing service #cryolipolysis #Bodybuilding for Weight Loss #lose stomach weight #fat legs treatment #Anti aging hifu #Mens facelift treatment #Double chin removal #coolsculpting #wart removal #cellulite treatments #Non surgical facelift #body and face toning #Lipo freeze

[retphienix]

Now this game. This game.

What you're seeing is just a quick roundup of what I had for the final fight. No-one was properly equipped because this game is terrible and requires equipping garbage in order to learn skills and I didn't bother to equip my 'good' stuff for the final showdown. Partially because I forgot. Also, Montblanc was nearly completely useless the entire game.

After this terrible experience I can say I fully understand why little kid me hated this game near immediately, and I'm thankful he didn't attempt to push through because all of this pains me. I also understand why apparently the cart I have has a hacked main save, even the previous owner couldn't handle seriously playing this piece of crap.

Here is where I'll throw the readmore as I'm just going to let my frustrations out a bit. I may tackle some of the good things I can come up with but those impatient just know my takeaway from this title is: It's not the worst game on its own merits, but to me it might as well be. It's the sequel to FFT but every single change they made was for the worse to the point of it being downright insulting.

It's the worst because of what it did to FFT. It's "just a bad game" if you ignore what it did to FFT.

I only showcase the 6 people I actually used for one. Something amusing about the systems in place working against themselves is that learning abilities is painfully slow and poorly implemented, which means levels additional characters can add many many hours of grind onto the title. Or you can just "not" do that, so I didn't. The skill system is among the biggest problems with this title, and I say that with full knowledge of "invincible because we said so with no thematic reasoning" bosses and writing so poor it actually brings me pain.

You learn skills by equipping an item that teaches the skill, then participate in enough fights for the skill to finally be learned. Rinse and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And realize that you can usually only equip 1 item that teaches you a skill at a time per character since it's primarily taught through weapons. And repeat.

This is undoubtedly the most annoying and tedious part of the game. It undermined the job system by instead making it about what weapon you equipped to learn about, rather than what job you leveled as to become proficient at. Not to mention the skills are braindead as can be and for the most part attempt to make every class the same.

In FFT every class was unique. In FFTA every class carries nearly identical skills, with a couple small differences.

Want to be a melee job? Well you have an aimed attack, an inaccurate heavy attack, probably a ranged attack, and probably a self heal. Want to be a ranged job? Well you have an aimed attack and normal attacks that also proc status. Want to be a magic job? Well you have 3-5 spells that all do the same thing but with different elements.

Do you want to know what ACTUALLY makes these jobs special? Downwards of 3 skills per class.

FFT had Chemists being the only class using items. Knights being the only class that destroys equipment. Thiefs being the only class that steal equipment (or hearts!). White mage being the heal magic. Black for damage magic. Oracle for status magic. Monk for a balance between DPS (Knight) and healing (WM or Chemist). Archers had the unique charge system that abused the CT system (a system that doesn't matter at all in this game). Geomancers merging Knights and Black Mage in a UNIQUE way that demands you pay attention to what terrain you're on. Ninja's inately dual wield. A class dedicated to inviting enemies to join you which worked on any non-story enemy in the game, compared to FFTA being able to 'bank' monsters. I could go on for way too long here, especially when you consider the unique job classes of the special characters like Engineers or Holy Swordsman.

What's this game do? Every class does the same things except one can steal things (thief), two rip off geomancer by dumbing it down to painful levels (Ninja and Elementalist), we have somewhere around 4 classes that use bows (Archer/Sniper/Assassin/Hunter) and they use them the same way, hit them with an aimed shot or hit them with a status shot. Gunner exists and is literally just an archer with the same "status" shots. Fighter and Monk are the same class basically. Red Mage exists for no reason at all especially when you realize they have to RELEARN all the spells they already learned BUT THIS TIME AS A RED MAGE. ALREADY KNOW CURE? WELL SCREW YOU LEARN IT AGAIN. And Assassin can learn an instant KO or two to give them the illusion of flavor.

More or less every class has the same skills, just different visual effects. And sometimes they skimp on that with things like the aimed attacks. The lack of flavor to any class is painful and makes them all feel uselessly similar. The ninja doesn't even innately dual wield, what kind of decision was that? I saw one class that interested me and it turned out to be useless. The Illusionist, which is entirely improperly named due to what they do, is a raid wide spelluser. Except they learn very few spells. And they all do terrible damage. It's a bad math skill from FFT. Not to mention there is a severe lack of skills in comparison to FFT which means every class has fewer tools to work with than before, so they NEEDED those tools to be unique and instead they copy paste in order to maintain some weird and restrictive form of balance.

Skills actively make this game worse and demand you ignore your equipment because good equipment is useless to you (Oh, you got an ultimate sword? Useless. It doesn't teach any skills. Ignore it until end game when your stats will be so out of wack that you won't need it), and they push you to grind again and again and again in order to feel like any kind of progression has happened.

So let's talk about equipment for a second because this blows my mind. In this game you get ULTIMATE WEAPONS from other FF games, and SUPER END GAME MEGA GEAR from FFT at like the halfway point. And you get a lot of it.

Just about every dispatch mission or mission in general rewards you with things like Save the Queen and Excalibur or the Yoichi Bow. But all of these pieces of equipment have been nerfed significantly and made useless generally by the skill system demanding you keep changing equipment. Why make something as cool as legendary weapons feel like a drop in my inventory bucket? I often got legendary gear and just shrugged it off because they added +1 damage to my party member at the cost of teaching no skills.

Accuracy was also out of wack in this game but I'm not sure how I felt about it. There was the obvious computer bias where enemies would hit every 30% chance strike they went for while I could miss 5 70% strikes in a row, but I mainly mean everyone everywhere had really low chances to strike. Ambushing from behind might net you 80% which felt off.

Gameplay wise the accuracy didn't really effect anything, but it was strange to see everyone save for those with concentrate hitting 65% rolls regularly.

The story was painful. I've ranted enough about it but really it comes down to it's practically written for toddlers as it goes beyond childish and it dwells far too much on selfish unrealistic characters. For a normal game this is embarrassing, for the sequel to FFT it's downright insulting.

The bosses suck. Encounters in general are pretty terrible, but you'd think there would be more variety in what you are challenged with. Statuses almost never came up and I kept attempting to prepare for when they would but the worst I ever saw was a monster that spams a raid wide sleep spell and archers using Aim Arm to dont act my characters. That's not nearly enough diversity especially when they carried over all the different anti-status tools from FFT to this game. The bosses almost all resorted to "haha, don't I have a lot of minions? You should probably hit them instead of me~~~~" which in FFT I would happily hit them because the game's fun. Since this game is NOT fun, I just strike the bosses and find that they have no counter for this strategy.

You can DPS race every boss in this game. Every one. With poorly geared party members. And without grinding to be above the encounter in any way.

The scariest fight I had was Adrammelech because dragon enemies are powerful at that stage of the game and I still just ran straight ahead and hit him with all my party members for a quick kill. I was PAINFULLY weak at that stage too as I was leveling as random poor growth classes and it still worked.

Levels make for a funny subject as well. I mentioned that it's pointless to grind up your alts because skills make it too time consuming to do so meaningfully. They give you a LOT of alts, and the alts actually drag down the encounter levels.

I heard that encounters were based off of your highest level. I can confirm they are not. Perhaps the story missions are, but every encounter in the game is based off your average level, not highest.

This made the first quarter of my gameplay very confusing as every encounter was locked at level 6 while I was at level 15. I couldn't level up at all unless I spammed self-target moves that always give 10 xp because attacking the weak enemies gave 1 xp.

I was growing annoyed at every encounter being useless for me and just a pointless grind for skill points until I realized what was happening and dismissed all my non-leveled members.

Immediately the game became more playable and I'm left wondering why in the world they would do that. Why give me a new low level member every mission and expect me to level all of them equally?

Regardless, it was remedied, just poorly designed.

I wasn't fond of making the map as it prevented Ivalice from feeling like a real place at all. Yes, that's a little thematic what with it being a story book but even for a story book this "place your plot" map was uninteresting and tore me away from thinking this world made any sense at all.

Oh! The CT change in which every skill in the entire game is immediate and requires no timing or strategy at all for “charging” practically killed 90% of the strategy you could have! How hilarious! Gotta love spamming your biggest ultima blast immediately just like when you attack or use a simple fire spell!

I feel like I have nothing good to say and like I could go on for quite a while more. I wanted to say it's alright as a dumbed down 'kid' version of FFT, except it's not. If you enjoyed it, fantastic, but what I see is an unbalanced mess that's unfit for kids and unfun for me. Of course, that's what opinions are. I just really love FFT and hate this game. So that's that.

(Part 2)

#RetPlays #FFT #FFTA #Final Fantasy Tactics #Final Fantasy Tactics Advance

[easynaturalhairstyle]

6 easy ways for a new hairstyle

To change your look, you could make up for New Year's resolutions to eat cleaner, train harder, and pack fewer pints. Snooze. Or you could throw everything away in your closet and start over. Expensive. You could even go under the knife. Uh, no thanks.

Fortunately, not all changes to reinvent yourself are so drastic (or painful). As some of the best hairdressers in the UK were too keen to tell us, a new hairstyle can make a big difference in your overall picture.

From swapping a bog standard snip to a fresh fade to pounding in one color with the next cut, here are six low-risk, high-yielding restyles to try this year.

The long and short of it

Are you worried that your search for a new haircut will result in a complete follicular #fail? The good news is that it does not just come from what's on top. The length on the back and sides can also improve both your face shape and the existing shape.

"Shorter back and side lengths are a great way to refresh the look without making drastic changes," says London barber Kyle Holloway. "You just sharpen what's already there so you can still keep your favorite style on top of it."

In order to make this a low-risk decision, you should consider features such as the size of your ears and the length of your face, to avoid that both look funny disproportionately. "Be sure to give proper advice to your hairdresser," adds Holloway, "they will be able to find something for their own face shape, as a style in a picture often needs to be adjusted."

The result: A smarter look that can change the shape of your face for the better, making it slimmer and more defined.

Fringe First

Although it's been a staple snipper since the 1990s (we blame Mama and her shells), the edge fell out of favor at the beginning of the decade, with new hairstyles like Pompadour and Tolle. The look, however, has made a comeback with many variations that are suitable for designing a range of face shapes.

"A pony is a good option if you are looking for something low risk, as if you do not like the look, you can always just push it back," says Joe Mills, founder of Joe and Co. In other words, the actual haircut is pretty standard, and the interest comes in the styling.

"Ask your hairdresser to provide you with a two-in-one haircut that will change with the way you style it," Mills suggests. This means that if you have a style that is already quite long at the front, you can now make the hair into a textured edge of some length. The alternative is of course to push it over or off the forehead (think of the awesome).

The result: A versatile haircut that can adapt to any weather and any formality.

Color me cool

More and more men looking for a new hairstyle are following the example of Zac Efron, Zayn Malik and Jonah Hill, daring to literally leap into a bucket of bleach. And while the choice of whole peroxide is not particularly low risk, there are many dyes on the market that are more suitable for commitment phobes.

"Dyeing is a process that's always best left to the professionals, but there are semi-permanent dyes that wash out and fade in six to eight weeks," says Mills, who proposes a product just for gray coverage is determined.

Bleached hair could be suitable for a range of styles, from buzz cuts to dreads, but it will not fly at any age and in any office, so consult the advice of your colleagues (or better, a barber) before You open the stuff.

The result: If you have the patience and research, this is a great temporary reinvention that will set you apart from the crowd.

Fade into a new you

Beyond growing out (and we're not sure how low-risk the unpleasant intermediate stage is), guys with short hair are often limited when it comes to options for rebooting. Fortunately, the sharpest hair movement of recent years will not fade so quickly: instead of a single length on back and sides, you opt for a cut that graduates from short to long.

Daniel Davies, general manager of Pall Mall Barbers, regularly suggests fading as a low-risk option to get a new look. "There are many different types of fades. For the least risk one should opt for a slight fading, which is about one centimeter from the natural hairline and can grow relatively quickly. "

Similar to a short back and sides, the results will not last long if you change your mind. However, if you choose to keep it, there are many ways to move to more extreme versions, such as: High Fades and even Skin Fades.

The result: An adaptable and trendy look that can highlight your bone structure while maintaining versatility at the top.

Call the Cabinet

If you are both metaphorically and physically tied to your curls, a new hairstyle does not have to be checked in after a cut. "A true low-risk move is simply changing the hair product you use to style," says Davies.

If you pick up a clay or paste every morning to get a textured finish, apply a smooth pomade or a wetlook gel for a shine-and-shine look. Also, try integrating different products and styling techniques to create new effects.

Dry shampoo and blow dry the hair for more volume on shorter to medium cuts, while the addition of sea salt spray to medium and longer styles provides texture. Take time to experiment to see what works best for you.

The result: Being able to hold the haircut you're used to means that you're more likely to play around with interesting styling.

Clean face, clean start

You do not want to separate your locks? Instead, try refreshing your face. Despite the indisputable popularity of beards, it's probably a good idea to give your face a bit of fresh air every now and then.

Not only will your skin care status decrease as long as you say strong facial hair, but the risk factor will be lower than with a completely new hairstyle, as the lint on your face grows much faster. "A shorter, lighter beard is easier to care for during the day and between the hairdresser visits," says Murdock hairdresser Alex Glover.

Depending on your face shape and the features you want to highlight, you can ask your barber to leave length in the chin to lengthen a rounder face, or switch to stubble to hide any gaps.

The result: A sharp look that enhances your face – and the beard can always regrow, if you prefer it.

6 easy ways for a new hairstyle

[qualitytacolover]

6 easy ways for a new hairstyle

New Post has been published on https://www.easypromhairstyles.com/6-easy-ways-for-a-new-hairstyle-3.html

6 easy ways for a new hairstyle

To change your look, you could make up for New Year's resolutions to eat cleaner, train harder, and pack fewer pints. Snooze. Or you could throw everything away in your closet and start over. Expensive. You could even go under the knife. Uh, no thanks.

Fortunately, not all changes to reinvent yourself are so drastic (or painful). As some of the best hairdressers in the UK were too keen to tell us, a new hairstyle can make a big difference in your overall picture.

From swapping a bog standard snip to a fresh fade to pounding in one color with the next cut, here are six low-risk, high-yielding restyles to try this year.

The long and short of it

Are you worried that your search for a new haircut will result in a complete follicular #fail? The good news is that it does not just come from what's on top. The length on the back and sides can also improve both your face shape and the existing shape.

"Shorter back and side lengths are a great way to refresh the look without making drastic changes," says London barber Kyle Holloway. "You just sharpen what's already there so you can still keep your favorite style on top of it."

In order to make this a low-risk decision, you should consider features such as the size of your ears and the length of your face, to avoid that both look funny disproportionately. "Be sure to give proper advice to your hairdresser," adds Holloway, "they will be able to find something for their own face shape, as a style in a picture often needs to be adjusted."

The result: A smarter look that can change the shape of your face for the better, making it slimmer and more defined.

Fringe First

Although it's been a staple snipper since the 1990s (we blame Mama and her shells), the edge fell out of favor at the beginning of the decade, with new hairstyles like Pompadour and Tolle. The look, however, has made a comeback with many variations that are suitable for designing a range of face shapes.

"A pony is a good option if you are looking for something low risk, as if you do not like the look, you can always just push it back," says Joe Mills, founder of Joe and Co. In other words, the actual haircut is pretty standard, and the interest comes in the styling.

"Ask your hairdresser to provide you with a two-in-one haircut that will change with the way you style it," Mills suggests. This means that if you have a style that is already quite long at the front, you can now make the hair into a textured edge of some length. The alternative is of course to push it over or off the forehead (think of the awesome).

The result: A versatile haircut that can adapt to any weather and any formality.

Color me cool

More and more men looking for a new hairstyle are following the example of Zac Efron, Zayn Malik and Jonah Hill, daring to literally leap into a bucket of bleach. And while the choice of whole peroxide is not particularly low risk, there are many dyes on the market that are more suitable for commitment phobes.

"Dyeing is a process that's always best left to the professionals, but there are semi-permanent dyes that wash out and fade in six to eight weeks," says Mills, who proposes a product just for gray coverage is determined.

Bleached hair could be suitable for a range of styles, from buzz cuts to dreads, but it will not fly at any age and in any office, so consult the advice of your colleagues (or better, a barber) before You open the stuff.

The result: If you have the patience and research, this is a great temporary reinvention that will set you apart from the crowd.

Fade into a new you

Beyond growing out (and we're not sure how low-risk the unpleasant intermediate stage is), guys with short hair are often limited when it comes to options for rebooting. Fortunately, the sharpest hair movement of recent years will not fade so quickly: instead of a single length on back and sides, you opt for a cut that graduates from short to long.

Daniel Davies, general manager of Pall Mall Barbers, regularly suggests fading as a low-risk option to get a new look. "There are many different types of fades. For the least risk one should opt for a slight fading, which is about one centimeter from the natural hairline and can grow relatively quickly. "

Similar to a short back and sides, the results will not last long if you change your mind. However, if you choose to keep it, there are many ways to move to more extreme versions, such as: High Fades and even Skin Fades.

The result: An adaptable and trendy look that can highlight your bone structure while maintaining versatility at the top.

Call the Cabinet

If you are both metaphorically and physically tied to your curls, a new hairstyle does not have to be checked in after a cut. "A true low-risk move is simply changing the hair product you use to style," says Davies.

If you pick up a clay or paste every morning to get a textured finish, apply a smooth pomade or a wetlook gel for a shine-and-shine look. Also, try integrating different products and styling techniques to create new effects.

Dry shampoo and blow dry the hair for more volume on shorter to medium cuts, while the addition of sea salt spray to medium and longer styles provides texture. Take time to experiment to see what works best for you.

The result: Being able to hold the haircut you're used to means that you're more likely to play around with interesting styling.

Clean face, clean start

You do not want to separate your locks? Instead, try refreshing your face. Despite the indisputable popularity of beards, it's probably a good idea to give your face a bit of fresh air every now and then.

Not only will your skin care status decrease as long as you say strong facial hair, but the risk factor will be lower than with a completely new hairstyle, as the lint on your face grows much faster. "A shorter, lighter beard is easier to care for during the day and between the hairdresser visits," says Murdock hairdresser Alex Glover.

Depending on your face shape and the features you want to highlight, you can ask your barber to leave length in the chin to lengthen a rounder face, or switch to stubble to hide any gaps.

The result: A sharp look that enhances your face – and the beard can always regrow, if you prefer it.

[dancal13]

Napa to Nashville - Day 2

You’d think with the two hour time change, that maybe just maybe I would wake up at a normal time.  Apparently that is not in the cards.  At 6a (4a PST),  I was up and in need of coffee.  I went down to the front desk and asked where the nearest Starbucks-ish-like coffee shop was located, as hotel coffee service in Nashville is not a thing.  I was directed to go one block, turn right and go 5 more blocks... (WTF that’s nearly half a mile a way) what is wrong with these people.  

I was sure they were wrong, so while walking using the provided direction, I pulled out my phone and “googled on bing” the nearest Starbucks, turned left and quickly learned that I should just listen to the locals.  After 30 minutes of wondering the streets of Nashville I ended up at the originally and properly directed Starbucks, got both hot and iced coffees for Susan and I, and shamefully walked back to the Hotel.  Suzy was still sleeping, none the wiser. When she woke we ordered breakfast in.. Going to be a long day, so we took our time.  

Around 11 we headed out, back to Broadway.  But with a reason... a purpose! So there is a thing in Nashville, I didn’t know, maybe you do.  But every Cowboy Boot store offers it.  If you buy 1 pair of boots, you get two additional pairs for free.  Now beyond the Why, is the question who needs 3 sets of cowboy boots. Likely there is someone, but not my wife.  What I didn’t know is the she was in Cahoots with our friends Kari and Michelle, and not unlike the Wine Barrell auction, Susan had a commitment from each of them to purchase a share (or 1/3) of the boot purchase.  So I spent my morning watching the kids, and when I say the kids I meant the 20 odd pairs of cowboy boots as Susan tried on, tested, texted her share holders and made super important boot decisions, that if done poorly could haunt the rest of our days.

For clarity of purpose my shoe selection stayed relatively boring, and was not swayed by the regions country/western bent. Avert your eyes if my legs offend you.

When it was all said and done Suzy got her boots and two other sets were shipped back home for distribution

As we hadn’t adjusted to the time, we needed to kill some time before eating a late lunch, so we explored Broadway in the daylight (and yes the place was rocking at noon).  We stopped by BB Kings, but to quiet, decided we might come back.

We moved on to a nearby alley recommended to us by one of our Lyft Driver’s known as Printer’s Alley and known for it’s Blues bars and music.  It immediately looked promising.

We looked in a few and chose the Bourbon Street Blues and Boogie Bar.  Walked in grabbed a drink and watched two Bluesy dudes play guitar and sing (yes the blues) and they were great.  There were possibly 50 people in the bar, no more - enjoying the show, hiding from the heat and having a drink - we fit right in.

After a couple drinks and set of music, we tipped our waitress, tipped the band and headed back out into the street, and talked about coming back that evening to see Sista Ruth.

We walked a bit longer, scouting bars for the evening and looking for places that might broadcast the late Husky game.  It was 2p, and we were finally hungry for lunch.  

Beyond the music, Nashville is also famous for Hot Fried Chicken.  If you like food with heat this is a must try, the more touristy place is Hattie Bs, and the original hot chicken creator is Princes (again we learned this from our Lyft driver - great guides in Nashville).  We were planning to go to Princes, but the original location was closed the other was much further away, so Hattie B’s was where we landed.

It was hot out side and the line was out the door, Susan kept asking if we could have it ubered to our Hotel, then the line started moving, we ordered, sat and had our food in 20 minutes.  The chicken can be ordered at 6 different levels of heat - No heat, Mild, Medium, Hot, Damn Hot!, and Shut your Clucking Mouth!!  Susan ordered a Mild fried chicken sandwich and i order a Hot dark meat, we also added pimento mac & cheese, cole slaw and crinkle cut fries. Good news we ordered the heat level right for both of us.  Would like to try Damn Hot next time, but not necessarily an entire order.

We had plans that would take us late in to the night - Dinner, Music, Dancing and if lucky a Husky game near the end. (little did we know, play the ominous music).  So we headed back for some chill time and maybe a nap.

At 7p we were up, dressed to kill it (meaning, yes Susan had her new boots on) and ready to head out.  Side bar here: when heading to a cool new place we like to find restaurants that the locals like, not always easy but in this situation our friend Mike Epplin has a brother that shares the same mission, who had also been to Nashville and through Mikey provided us with a number of recommendations.  This night we would try Josephine

 We arrived thirty minutes early and were sat in the bar.  There were two talented and creative bar tenders working the small space.  I went with a less sweet Manhattan and Susan ordered what they described as beefed up Cosmo, where the pomegranate juice was replaced by Pomegranate liqueur.  Both executed well, the early vibe of the restaurant was awesome.

It was 50 minutes before we were sat, the hostess told us it was because she had a great table for us, with her favorite waiter, but the nice older lady who was sitting at it was dragging her feet and slowly drinking her tea. We were excited that we made such a nice impression, but as we watched all those around us who arrived later than us being sat and getting their food we started to question her sincerity.   Once we were seated though, and met our waiter our fears were allayed and what turned out to be a great meal began.  First things first.  an heirloom tomato bruschetta and duck fat hashbrowns with a sprinkling of trout roe.  Wow and Yum

I ordered a half bottle of Vieux Telegraphe Chateauneuf-du-Pape and Susan had another Cosmo.  Then our entrees arrived Carbonara and a grilled Pork Chop with a Sorghum Vinegar Glaze also delicious.

We decided to pass on desert, to keep it light as there was still a lot of time left in our evening.  Fun to be had.  We boarded yet another lyft and headed back to broadway.  

First stop..  And yes this is the actual, entire name.  Kid Rock’s Big Ass Honky Tonk and Rock & Roll Steakhouse -  funny signs, four floors of food, drinks and live music, oh yeah and oh so many flat screens showing every sporting event being currently broadcast.  [Noted for later].  

The first band, was a hard rock band, and like most other bands we saw during our visit I couldn’t begin to tell you their name.  We grabbed a couple cocktails found a rail and enjoyed the show. 

The guy in the middle, stick thin and heroine chic, played the shit of the harmonica, moved like Jagger (not the song) and put on a helluva a show.  After busting through 8-10 songs he then wandered through the crowd with a metal bucket taking donations... New fact to share.. We went to a lot of bars, saw a lot of  bands - only BB Kings charged a cover.  Most, if not all of these bands play for tips, drinks, etc.  We tipped all the good bands we saw, if you love small venue live music, and are heading to Nashville budget accordingly.. 

Susan decided it was time to leave and head to the next place. So off we went, wandering about half block till we came to Crazy Town.  

Music sounded good, so in we went.  First song played by the new band in the new bar was “Blister In The Sun” by Violent Femmes, they had us at hello.  They played a few more progressive songs, bounced into Metallica “Sandman” then Bruno Mars “Uptown Funk” hit a country song or two and then back into progressive rock.  Nothing but fun.  Second Side Note: Good friend Brian Wilbur when getting beat by us on the golf course, so it happens often calls us HonYawks, no one on has a clue to what it means.  Saw this sign, which suggests he pronounces his insult wrong, though still no idea what it means

At the intermission of their set, I made sure to buy the band a few drinks, and tip them, I’m a quick study.  We stayed there for a couple hours dancing and drinking but it was almost time for Husky kick off. so we headed back to Kid Rock’s place headed to the third floor, found a seat at the three hundred foot rectangle bar, ordered drinks from her

and asked her to find FS1.  

Check - First quarter done Huskies leading. Then the weather gods intervened.  Good news we had other distractions. So we drank, watched other games, listened to music and waited. 

The game finally resumed around 2am our time.  They tied it up, we went back to the hotel, it was 2:30a, what could go wrong..  Figured we wait to read the good news in the AM...

#bourbonstreetbluesandboogiebar