#about now would be a good time for some goddamn adhd meds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

eeveenicks · 7 months

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Having been a gifted kid growing up really wrecked my brain for adulthood. Like, I’m in a pretty good place for my age. I’m a professional with a full time job who can pay my bills and have some money leftover to enjoy my hobbies. Life is objectively good.

But when I was a kid I was like… a super genius and everyone told me how much potential I had. I used to get so bored in school so they’d give me more stuff to do to actually keep me some level of mentally stimulated. And that was great but it really makes you internalize some weird shit about the kind of adult you’re supposed to be.

When I was 8 I came up with this dumb plan to fill Antarctica with lightning rods attached to super thick cables that we would run under the ocean to connect them to the mainlands because I read in one of my textbooks that we were gonna run out of fossil fuels in fifty years and not have anymore electricity. And like… I thought my job should be single handed my solving the global energy crisis?

I was really good at science and thought I was supposed to become some kind of doctor/researcher and find the cure for cancer by myself because I had no idea how medical research or companies worked and thought all scientific discoveries were by some individual trying really hard and being smart and reading books and experimenting. I wanted to go to med school but then in college I was bad at math and then didn’t find out until I was in my thirties that I apparently have ADHD. Go figure.

At one point as a kid I was convinced I had to become President because otherwise I was a failure and not living up to my potential. And like…

What the fuck, tiny me?

It’s not like any adults in my life put weird pressure on me. I think all the comments about my potential and how smart I was just went to my head and my ego couldn’t deal with the idea of not living up to all that.

But the shitty thing is that all that is still in my head. I’m not president or even a measly congressperson. Failure. I haven’t found the cure for cancer. Failure. I haven’t single-handedly negotiated a successful solution to the conflict in Israel and Palestine like my 9 year old self decided I was supposed to do for some reason??? What was I smoking???

Like, law school was kind of terrifying because it was a real reckoning with mortality in the sense of “oh shit, I chose a path. I did this. All the other doors are closed to me” when the thing that had defined so much of my view of myself growing up was this idea that I could be “anything.”

And I hate that I’m not.

I’m thirty-something and tired and hate the days I have to work more than eight hours (except that I also love them because there’s something mentally gratifying about knowing that I have an excuse to be tired). I volunteer for too many community service things and go to the gym and cook and go out of my way to learn skills like house to paint houses and build shelves and shit. And I write fucking novels that I don’t publish because they aren’t good enough for the standard I set for them in my mind. And I’m always studying some language trying to learn more and just…

I don’t know. Those things were all just this summer. And it still feels like I didn’t do enough

I need the constant stimulation, but it’s never enough and I think I really just need to accept at some point that it will never be enough. The books I write will never be good enough for me because they will always read like I wrote them. I could probably be a goddamned CEO and I would feel like I hadn’t worked hard enough or advanced far enough in my career.

I might just be going a little crazy and restless right now because I fucked up my ankle a few weeks ago and my normal stress relief is going for walks and I literally can’t without risking damaging it more.

I think I just wanted to rant about how I’ll never cure cancer in my secret presidential science lab at the White House and how my own existential dread about the ever-dawning realizations of human mortality are fucking with me.

It’s like… fuck. Time just keeps going faster as I get older. I’m gonna die at some point. More than a third of life expectancy is behind me. 2013 doesn’t feel like 10 years ago and if the next decade goes faster and the one after that and the one after that—

I don’t want to be content. I want to squeeze in as much life as possible before I go back to being earth. Because at the end of the day I’m a weird little piece of the universe that woke up to observe itself for what accounts for probably a nanosecond in the scope of deep time and I just wanna like… wanna get all I can put of that nanosecond.

#i really need to sleep #3am things #eevee thoughts #rant

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bakurapika · 2 years

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i like the freedom that my meds give me - I don't get suicidal anymore, I can fall asleep on a schedule, I can be motivated and overcome some adhd issues - but my daily life has really become centered on chemicals

i don't drink often but because of family history, i am Very Aware when I do. and i think relying on booze for emotional problems is okay like 3 nights a year max.

i have a couple Fun Drinks in the fridge. right now i have just finished working for almost 10 hours straight, just on my computer from bed, with the only breaks being Breaks I Did Not Consciously Choose To Take But I Should Count That As My Lunch Because Goddamn I Didn't Get Anything Done For Hours. i spent some of that time trying to google the prognosis and life expectancies for the different things my mom might have. i ate half a sandwich and 1 protein drink today, but i'm nauseous more than hungry.

So I'm like, ok, I have not taken my day meds or any pain medication in a while. I should drink 2 alcoholic beverages between now and 8:30 pm so that I am ok to take my night medication then. It'll relax me but more importantly make me hungry so I'll actually eat enough calories for the day and then tomorrow will be better. and also just goddamn today.

i've been having more issues with Ambien Amnesia lately too, PLUS it's been kicking in later, meaning I sleep in on accident, meaning I have fewer breaks at work to make up for any lost time, because I might not be productive at work when awake but hell if I would lie about working when I'm actually sleeping

goddamn, if i could just have Good Brain Sober. falling asleep at bedtime. being able to eat and drink during the daytime. some of that bare essential for human life stuff.

#drugs tw #alcohol tw #suicidal ideation mention tw #drug abuse mention tw #trying to tag bc i feel bad about being Bad Brain On Main

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kdipshit · 1 year

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Well I Got The Thing I Needed, I Guess…

I have to learn to do everything my own way, as doing something with someone else’s perspective is just not possible. I have to be difficult all the time huh…

My body stays the same even tho it feels like my brain switches. Perspectives change. Beliefs. Realisations. Like the person I was 1 hour ago was dark and gloomy and quick to anger. irritated. But BPD irritation. I wanted to turn into a tornado and rip thru my entire house taking everyone up in it. Lol. Jk. But fr… and the person I am now is nothing like that. I don’t even think that way at all, why would I even want to it sounds like a war zone over there. Lets remember the parts of ourselves that occupy the body when the body is feeling so dark. She’s still us. Thats still me. Lol how do I say that? Im still me. Thats better. Im so sick of these walls in my brain keeping me from the other sides of myself, I can’t stay in the dark space for very long without scratching my way out. And its painful. Am I supposed to stay in that feeling until it passes? Coz sometimes it feels like it doesn’t fucking end, so I grab my bong and then I’m better. But weed is limited. Sometimes I think ill be better if I was just on the right meds. Im still very upset about my psych trip. And it makes me feel so discouraged to even continue trying…. But. I will keep trying. As long as I have weed to lean on, I’m straight as. But I’m not ignoring the darkness by trying to feel better. I can look at it in another perspective. I gotta do better. I gotta do better. The bruised knuckles do give me character tho. I should message A more quickly next time, she really did an amazing job at switching my perspective, its like she knows exactly how to talk to me. Im so grateful.

+ the weed makes me write better. Its easier to write down the thoughts… I found myself sounding like my hippie ass aunty telling my little sister that thoughts become things lol. Its such a shame that I’m actually crazy because no one really believes me lol. thoughts do become things tho, she was right, I just didn’t see the bigger picture, and I guess no one ever really will until they can for themselves. THANK YOU FOR PAIN. You give your shadow self love by learning how to thank the pain, and the hard journey, and the sleepless nights and teary eyes. Learning better methods, keeping yourself out of thought loops by treating every single day as brand new. Realising no ones got a problem with me lol. Im not a problematic person.

anyways…. Whats been going on wed chyall? Lol imagine all that trauma dumping and then I sip my tea. Your turn aunty. I’m always trine rush finish something because the act of doing something for too long freaks me out. Thats gotta be that ADHD hoe, which will be fixed if I fkn get my right meds bro wtf!!! D: like so much of my problems would be fixed if I just had the fun goddamn meds Jesus FUCK. Is it that hard around here? They think imma pill popper bro won’t even give me valium anymore, dogs. No fkn wonder why I’m smoking like smokey mother fucker, my shits al the way fucked up my boy. Give me the fucking pills lmaoooo. And up them anti-psychotics while your at it lmaoooo.

Does anyone else have conversations with other people in your head? Thats a normal thing right? Well the convos in my head are too quick to for me to write down, but they be having me fucked up on some different shit. I just did it, I just stopped a bad thought for manifesting bigger and replaced it with a better one AS SOON as it appeared. Sometimes I’m not quick enough and it catches me instead. I sat with myself today, I don’t even remember what I wrote in the ideation one. But I remember what mindset I was in, I’m curious to see how honest with myself I was. I can be honest with myself right now and day I don’t think I did good enough. There were times where I was thinking I really don’t wanna do this anymore. I forgot what I needed to remember, which was to redirect all go those feelings into positive ones, I know these things, but at some point, every emotion on peak feels the same, so I was historically crying on the way home, recklessly, because I forgot to remind myself, to switch the thought, look at everything else thats good, and setback or something super annoying happening is because your energy is needed elsewhere!! Butterfly effect, nothing in the end is bad. Its just a redirection, stop being so controlling, and let it be, let it flow, while you only control yourself, your reactions and your thoughts. Thoughts determine emotions, and emotions are my kryptonite.

The problem is my thought patter, and how it recycles the same 10-30 sentences over and over again. Some fkn crazy delulu, some that genuinely make sense cuz, and then the same normal other shit, right???? lol. Idk what I’m saying anymore but sometimes I ramble write (all the time) and I read it back and its dope as fuck and I actually make sense.

My poor knuckles are busted all because I knocked and no one answered. Well nah fuck, it was that, and then it was the non answered door last week too, its the non answered phone calls its the non answered emails like broooo. Should not be this hard to see a psychiatrist in my city I swear to god. Without weed I’m completely self destructive, I need to build my strength on my other positive coping mechanisms because typing really hurts. And I love to write. Self destructive me is very overwhelmed and unsure how to untangle everything so everything comes out as a big fat cry.

#blogging #new blog #mental health #actually bipolar #actually borderline #mental instability #actually bpd #original post #original writing

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ericathefae · 1 year

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So, just a bit of an update.

I'm gonna continue with this list making system, because I think the commentary in particular shows me what actually goes on "inside me" far better than just thinking back on the day does - and making a plan for the day's work definitely also helps, at least with the easier stuff. I think I'm gonna do it off of tumblr though (not sure anyone want's to read everything I do every single day) and use Dropbox Paper instead (I like their formatting). And I'm gonna try writing in Danish instead, since I don't know quite yet if I want my doctor to read it or not...

By the way, I've booked a time: the 3rd of March (the first available slot). That's a godawful long time to wait around, when you feel like you've finally figured shit out and now just need help with it! Actually, I don't think I properly summed that up here, did I?

I'm pretty sure that what defines me is a good old mix of "mild" autism (I consider my self an aspie even though I don't have a diagnosis to back that up) and a dysfunctional dopamine system. The autism explains all my quirks, the wierdness that I've learned to live with, which might occasionally be anoying and impractical but otherwise just fine - I mean, it's just me, you know. Having dopamine deficiency, though, oh that explains every. goddamn. part of my actual problems! Lack of motivation? check. Tendency towards depression? check. Easily addicted to food, sugar and entertainment? check. Feels like my life is slipping through my fingers like invisible sand? check. The list goes fucking on.

Granted, there's a very good chance that the autism and dopamine deficiency is connected (after all, I just have the one brain), but I finally have a proper explanation for why I just can't make myself do things. I know it's called executive dysfunction, but looking at it in terms of the dopamine reward system makes so much more sense.

So, I'm gonna ask (beg) my doctor to try out some meds, probably the same type that adhd folks get as far as I understand (I've been reading a lot of abstracts and articles about dopamine these past few days). I'm worried that the lack of a proper diagnosis is gonna get in the way, after all, you don't just hand drugs over to a person because they say they're a bit sluggish or what not, but hopefully the entire list making thing will help me better articulate what's actually going on, while acting as data to back it up.

Oh, also, anxiety. I have an inkling that the stress of my thesis project hasn't helped a bit (neither not having any outside structure that get's me out the door), because it feels like a clear anxiety response every time I as much as think about working on it. I don't quite know how to handle that - therapy? Again. But if it could help (especially if my previous psychologist were available) then yeah. That would probably be good for me (but it depends on what my doctor says, since I can't afford the full price on my own).

I'm also gonna continue with my journal of joy project, because that shit is wild when it works! And hopefully repeatable. I also think the gamification aspect could work well for me, as a little extra boost of motivation that could make a difference, at least some of time. That I plan on sharing on here, especially when I level up and so.

Alright, back to making my plan for the day (argh, it's much nicer writing about things like this than having to engage with actually needing to work - I still don't quite know what I'm gonna say to my advisor this week, since I've been working on figuring me out instead).

#update #neurodivergent #aspie #executive dysfunction #autistic inertia #i might need meds #dopamine deficiency #hopefully things will actually change #i just need a bit of help #(but at least i know what kind of help now which is quite something)

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bobtheacorn · 2 years

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Hi! This might seem silly and you don't have to post it if you don't want, but I'm going through a similar situation where I'm unemployed and dreaming of the day I can go through the process of getting ADHD meds. I've been having a tough time lately but your post about how productive and creative you feel now helps with some of my own doubts like 'what if I get medication and I'm actually just...like this'. It's nice to actually see someone actively sharing about the difference it makes for them. I'm really happy for you and would love if you made more posts occasionally about your projects, because that box is really cute. Hope you have a good rest of your day! c:

Okay, I’ve got to elaborate.

It’s not silly at all! Genuinely, part of the reason that I was super daunted by the Process of getting diagnosed and medicated for a REAL LONG TIME was because I was worried that I'm just Like This. To an extent, though, I am! I am forgetful, and easily distracted, and talkative, and I over-think things. I still have brain fog and restless nights. I still fidget. I still interrupt my brother when he’s talking. I literally put my hand on a hot casserole dish earlier today because I took the tater tots out of it so it was empty when I reached for it and I just clean forgot it had been in the OVEN two seconds ago.

And do you know what?

The medication makes me FUNCTIONAL in spite of these things!

Instead of sitting on the couch thinking about all the chores I need to do and all the projects I want to do, I've been getting up and actively Doing them. I've kept up with all of my laundry AND the dishes (and I HATE doing the dishes) and I’ve swept my house almost every day. I cleaned out my closet and the back porch and de-cluttered some of the big areas where I just set things because I can’t think of where they’re supposed to go. I got the cobwebs down out of the corners and fixed the curtain in my bedroom window that’s been crooked for god knows how long. I wake up feeling Alert instead of drowsy and sluggish. I have half a dozen half-finished projects that have been sitting around for months (or years!) and I FINALLY feel like DOING them. I’ve sat down every evening when my baby goes to bed and written at least 1k (if i’m not reading or editing) because I can FOCUS. I don’t sit at the computer waffling around - I hit that tomato in the corner and lock myself in google docs for a few consecutive 25 minute sprints and GO.

Like, these might seem like small accomplishments, but with ADHD even the most basic shit can be a struggle. With my meds, I get that sweet sweet dopamine that my brain doesn’t want to make on it’s own and I feel good enough to GET UP (or sit down!) and DO stuff, and it’s goddamn Revolutionary.

I still have to put in the effort, but I don’t feel overwhelmed by the idea of putting in the effort, if that makes any sense!

Honestly, thank you for sending this message (and for the compliment! I’m very proud of that little box! <3 ) and for giving me the chance to holler about it! I hope you have a good day, too!! Don’t be scared about getting meds if you get the chance - everybody’s different and there are lots of options! You don’t always get the right one on the first try!

#my shit: personal #adhd #positivity #my meds don't even have a stimulant bc i was not sure how i would Behave on a stimulant lmao #but it's working good for me so far! *fingers crossed*#medication's not supposed to fix you it's supposed to HELP you

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hyperfixationtimego · 3 years

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Alright we’re trying this angst thing again

Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so

Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash

Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that

Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident

They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly

They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them

The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️

And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable

Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally

They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital

Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over

Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️

Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares

The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit

Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️

Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother

He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through

Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far

cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️

Mondo does not let himself stim

He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act

This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned

One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka

He was extremely happy

When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit

Mondo broke it

He snapped the popsicle sticks in half

the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process

Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least

Actual

Real

Tears

He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot

Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends

Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends

Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep

Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s

that’s his brother

on the ground

not moving

Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot

Either way, he hates being vulnerable

Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?

also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo

HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????

GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-

also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌

also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)

First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?

and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.

They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!

And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.

Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........

And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.

Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”

Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”

Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!

And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv

So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)

oh g o d the nightmares

they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.

And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”

And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”

And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.

“You can tell me anything.”

Mondo wants to believe him.

—

Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.

And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.

But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?

There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.

He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.

It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.

So Leon doesn’t comment.

——-

Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.

ANYWAY-

y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????

god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb

and MONDO DARLING 🥺

god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm

But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not

he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️

hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off

he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!

and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn

honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.

because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.

fucking.

breaks.

down.

He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.

Like he destroys everything.

And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to

and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok

but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.

And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.

And it’s more than enough.

—

and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety

like sir 🤝

got me fucked up smh

honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually

so yes he 100% does???

he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d

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1smolbean · 3 years

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ok rant (? started out as a rant but descended into chaos) time

no but I find it absolutely fucking hilarious that my parents are like "oh just move on from your trauma" and then don't tell me how to do that, trigger me even when I've told them about my triggers, make me talk to people that trigger me, and make me go to places that trigger me. like...ya think maybe, just maybe, that, idk, I might have trouble moving on from those events if I have to relive them all the time? and I've explained it to them but they just refuse to understand it and they don't understand the word "no" either and I just,,,find this the funniest thing ever cause like they don't fucking understand! they don't! and I've told them but they refuse to! and I'm laughing this is so funny they refuse to understand

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING I'M SORRY THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY LIKE THEY REFUSE TO UNDERSTAND IT AND I,,,,,I JUST JKDJFKDLSJFLDKJFD THEY REFUSE TO GET IT AND THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER THEY REFUSE TO HELP THEIR CHILD LIVE A HAPPY LIFE

what kind of parent does that? a shitty one. they're the most hypocritical people I've ever met cause THEY'VE moved on from their trauma and they respect each other's triggers and my brother's triggers but like,,,not mine and why? CAUSE THEY'RE BAD AT THEIR JOB. THEY'RE BAD PARENTS and I'm literally laughing so hard this is so funny to me and my mother has said before that she is proud of me for not skipping school because she assumed I would but she's proud that I haven't. like,,,,wow okay I literally have no reason whatsoever to skip school though??? why would you assume that? and idk I just find it hilarious that my mother both expects me to get an A+ on every subject and also skip school. like bitch excuse me? that's...HHJFDHSFKHFDSKH THAT'S FUNNY IT'S FUNNY THIS IS FUNNY. I'M SORRY. I'M REALLY SORRY THIS IS HILARIOUS TO ME AND I WROTE OUT A WHOLE GODDAMN RANT ABOUT THIS BUT IT'S JUST THREE PARAGRAPHS OF ME BEING LIKE "MY PARENTS' HORRIBLE TREATMENT OF ME IS FUNNY" AND LIKE...IT IS THOUGH!

I feel like Alvar Vacker and Winter Schnee right now. like I just,,,this is so funny but I also want to stab something right now. is this normal? I don't think this is normal. I should talk to a therapist or doctor but I'm my own therapist and everybody else's too and idk it just seems...wrong to burden people with MY problems when they have their own. i should stop telling people when I'm sad, they don't need that. No, no but they care. why do they, though? my parents "care." they yell at me, say I'm not enough, tell me it's hard to take care of me, but they care. I guess. i think they care. caring is bad. caring for someone is bad. i shouldn't...i shouldn't trust people, because trust gets you hurt. and i hate being hurt. and i shouldn't care about people. i shouldn't care. do i even care? did i ever care? yes. but i won't anymore.

I have gone back to wishing I could acquaint a ridgdly edged object fundamentally used in the construction of walls with my biological father's facial structure. (translation: ok nvm I wanna hit my dad in the face with a brick)

maybe if you didn't yell at me i wouldn't listen to music so loudly. father

father (derogatory)

i am going to lie down on the floor and listen to Special Girl by dodie until i die

i'm the eldest daughter but I'm not a daughter i'm a son but my parents don't care

i feel nothing but the crushing weight of responsibility on my shoulders

I believe I need a counselor, or therapist, or- no, I have one already, I'm my own therapist

I can deal with this on my own

hey mother when you look through my tumblr and read this PLEASE GET ME SOME ANTIDEPRESSANTS OR ADHD MEDS IM NOT DOING TOO GOOD

the powerpuff girls reboot script made me speedrun the five stages of grief I hate it so much

cats opening partially closed doors with their FACES is wild and I love it

I want more soda.

everything hurts and I'm dying

Okay so what the hell happened here Nina please get yourself into shape you need to figure out why you did a 180 from being sad to being angry to being sad to being angry and also that gender can fluid you really be switching from "gender is for mortals" to "none gender left boy" with your emotions too

this picture of Winter Schnee perfectly encapsulates my mood right now

im in pain everybody! were in pain! specifically in my chest! what the hell is happening with my lungs

nevermind we're good now

YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HURT THE WAY YOU KNOW THAT I DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I FEEL LIKE I'LL BE OKAY AND I HOPE I CAN JUST MAINTAIN IT I WILL NOT LET MYSELF BECOME MY PROBLEM

AND I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE DAY YOU SAVE ME FROM MYSELF 'CAUSE I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I FEEL FOR YOU FOR YOU

AND WRITE IN EVERY SPACE THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" IN REPLACE THEN MAYBE TIME WOULD NOT ERASE MEEEEE IF YOU COULD ONLY KNOW I'D NEVER LET YOU GOOOO AND THE WORDS I MOST REGRET ARE THE ONES I NEVER MEANT TO LEEEEEEAAAAVEEEEEEEE UNSAID EMILYYYYYYYYYY

*muffled sobbing*

it's projecting onto fictional characters with trauma hours everybody

DO OR DIE YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME BECAUSE THE WORLD WILL NEVER TAKE MY HEART GO AND TRY YOU'LL NEVER MAKE ME WE WANT IT ALL WE WANNA PLAY THIS PARY I WON'T EXPLAIN OR SAY I'M SORRY I'M UNASHAMED I'M GONNA SHOE MY SCARS GIVE A CHEAR FOR ALL THE BROKEN LISTEN HERE BECAUSE IT'S WHO WE ARE

hey remember that "fuck therapy I'm becoming a knight" post I spam reblogged yeah that's my current mood rn

anyway that concludes round one of my annual mental breakdown don't worry I'll be back in approximately five minutes after drinking an entire bottle of soda

#don't even know what to tag this with so just. lmk if you want this tagged #coco's annual mental breakdown #that is a tag I'm making that a tag #anyway yes I'm fine either join in on the chaos or leave me alone please

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ankewehner · 3 years

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Livetweet of accidentally getting into fairyland...

Best twitter thread ever?

https://twitter.com/NeolithicSheep/status/1330548523721515013 Shepherd: Oh hey Ursula, do you have the number for those people who take out invasive plants still?

Ursula: Probably somewhere, yeah. They said they didn’t usually work on such small properties, though, and I don’t know if I’ve got an infestation worth their time.

Shepherd: Ok but what if I say "kudzu" to you, can we throw enough money at them to make it worth their time.

Ursula: If you say “kudzu” to me, I will panic, scream, and come running to Dogskull with a flamethrower.

Shepherd: Ok well I suggest driving but maybe pack up the flamethrower. Ursula: OH MY GOD YOU FOUND KUDZU OH GOD WHERE IS IT ARE YOU SURE IT ISN’T JUST WILD GRAPE

Shepherd: YES I KNOW WHAT WILD GRAPE LOOKS LIKE THANK YOU anyway I was walking Beamer this morning after the deer ate breakfast and the white deer was walking down toward the back of the property, you know that low tucked away part? And I thought, well, we'll just trail after her at a polite distance and if I'm lucky I'll find some of her fur caught on a bush! Wouldn't that be great! So we kept going past the big ass fucking oak trees that make, like, that weird arch? And there's kudzu.

Ursula: What big oak trees?! There’s no big oak trees back there! It’s all pine!

Shepherd: Yeah you know, the two really big motherfuckers that look like English oak. They're like, way the fuck back there.

Ursula: There are no English oak on Dogskull. Are you sure you weren’t trespassing on the Freemason’s property?

Shepherd: No they're closer to the front I think? Who's next door to them? Also I thought Dog Skull was 7 acres? Because I should be off it and hitting the road by now.

Ursula: Next door to them is the people with the trailer on its side. Do you see any trailers lying on their sides?

Shepherd: A lot of oak trees, a little bit of kudzu, zero trailers in any orientation. Some birds and squirrels. Oh hey Beamer found a nice pond.

Ursula: Okay, this is important. Do the oak trees still have leaves on them?

Shepherd: Yeah but so does the one up front. Oh wait. These are, uh, still green. Like summer green.

Ursula: Right. Okay. This could be a problem. Give me a couple minutes, we have to take trash to the dump and then I’ll look some stuff up. Meanwhile, DON’T EAT ANYTHING.

Shepherd: You mean in case it's poisonous, right? Like THEORETICALLY if I didn't see this tweet until just now and HYPOTHETICALLY I found an apple tree and ate an apple, that would be fine?

Ursula: ...that would not be fine.

Shepherd: Beamer didn't want any, which was weird I thought.

Ursula: INDUCE VOMITING! INDUCE VOMITING!

Shepherd: He didn't eat anything! I'm not going to gag my dog for not eating an apple!

Ursula: Not the dog! Induce vomiting in yourself! Every chunk of that apple needs to come out before you digest it!

Shepherd: FINE. I have puked it up. It was a really good apple, too.

Ursula: Oh thank god. Whew. Okay. The alternative was that you were gonna need a cold iron enema and I wasn’t sure how to do that on short notice.

Shepherd: Oh hey fun fact, "cold iron" is just, like, iron. It's not a special kind or anything!

Ursula: Do you have any on you right now? Beamer’s collar or tags or anything?

Shepherd: Collar hardware is all aluminum these days, otherwise it rusts. Let me pat down my pockets. Syringe of dewormer? Is that helpful?

Shepherd: Anyway I don't want to alarm you but uh. I can't find the trail I followed? So you and Kevin will need to go over tonight and give the boys [i.e. oxen] a hay bale and the goats and sheep two.

Ursula: No! I am scared of cows! We have to get you out of there! Look, I have a bunch of Llewelyn books from my teenage pagan days. I’m sure Scott Cunningham or Silver Ravenwolf covered this somewhere.

Shepherd: Scott Cunningham seems like a really drastic measure just because you're afraid of some cows. But sooner or later I'm going to run out of cigarettes so sure, why not. Oh!! The boys' bow pins are in my pocket, I was going to sand them today and oil them! They're very definitely iron!

Ursula: That’s good! That’s very good! If anyone tries to talk to you, keep hold of those! Now let’s see...do you consider yourself a “solitary practitioner?”

Shepherd: Ursula I'm an ornamental hermit, you don't get much more solitary. Also so far the only person who tried to talk to me was a frog.

Ursula: ...what did the frog say?

Shepherd: "SMOKING KILLS." I tossed it back in the pond.

Ursula: *rubs forehead*

Shepherd: Fucking frogs are all alike, I'm telling you.

Ursula: I really wish these authors had spent less time on “why Wicca isn’t Satanism” and more time on “what to do when you’ve strayed into the fae realms.” I mean, I understand it was the political climate of the time...

Shepherd: I feel like nobody really covers that last one anymore. You have 4 hours until the cows want dinner.

Ursula: Silver Ravenwolf suggests making your magical working space more inviting with stencils? These books spend a surprising amount of time on interior decorating as a vital part of ritual magick. I never noticed that when I was fifteen.

Shepherd: Yeah me neither honestly. It's remarkably unhelpful when you're stuck in faerie and your collie is getting bored. Shepherd: So you want me to... Build a magical working space and stencil it?

Ursula: I can’t actually see how that would help matters. Maybe I should check the Foxfire books instead.

Shepherd: I... Don't remember them having anything relevant, but I might be wrong?

Ursula: They have everything. Ooh, this one is about how to scald the bristles off a hog!

Shepherd: A) I already know how to do that and B) I do not have a hog, sufficient firewood, or a hog scrubbing brush here. FOCUS, URSULA. FOCUS.

Ursula: Sorry, the ADHD meds haven’t kicked in yet today...uh...let’s see...avoid whippoorwills, if you see any?

Shepherd: I do that already, otherwise they steal your toenails.

Ursula: If you harvest apples, leave one on the tree or it attracts the Devil.

Shepherd: You told me not to eat the apples! Am I allowed to eat the apples now??

Ursula: No! These are hypothetical apples! NO EATING! I tried to look up deer in the Foxfire books and there’s a story about somebody’s grandpa wrestling a buck in a mill dam and drowning it, but I don’t see the relevance here. I mean, Grandpa does sound like a badass, though.

Shepherd: I feel like I shouldn't wrestle deer here. What if I try telling Beamer to find his sheep?

Ursula: Well, research has hit a small snag. I tried googling for the foxfire books and kudzu, in case there was something about fae kudzu portals, right? But it turns out your Twitter is the third hit. Shep, we may BE the experts.

Shepherd: Uh oh. OK. In that case, you and Kevin go over to Dog Skull. Hitch up Cole and Cannon and take them back to the oak trees. Put a logging chain around one and yell real loud "LET SHEPHERD OUT OR WE START PULLING"

Ursula: Oh hell no! I read tree law Reddit! I know how this ends! Do you want us to get sued by Freemasons?!

Shepherd: I DON'T THINK THE FREEMASONS ARE THE PROBLEM HERE, URSULA

Ursula: I DON’T TRUST THEM WITH THEIR LITTLE LEVELS AND SHEEPSKINS AND WEIRDLY OCULAR PYRAMIDS Also if you see a pyramid with an eye on it, don’t eat it’s either.

Ursula: Okay. Never mind the Freemasons. I wrote a book about this once, I think. White animals, scary fae, random magic deer. It was set in Finland, so you may need to fashion some umlauts, though.

Shepherd: I've got my chore knife, I can carve so many umlauts. Do I just put them in trees until I get back?

Ursula: First of all, are you wearing pants?

Shepherd: YES I'M WEARING PANTS YOU WEIRDO

Ursula: t’s a legitimate question! I mean, I’m not wearing pants.

Now Shep, this is very important. You have to take off your pants.

Also your shoes, your hoodie, and probably Beamer’s collar.

Shepherd: Ursula. Why are we getting naked.

Ursula: To break the misdirection spell! Put your clothes on backwards!

And possibly inside out? Shit, there’s a bunch of different sources. I don’t know if they have to be inside out, but definitely backwards.

Uh...let’s see...hmm, backwards definitely. Inside out might be for leshy. Leshies? Leshys? What’s the plural form, do you think?

If you happen to see any giggling green hairy dudes, ask them what the plural form of their name is. That’s gonna bug me.

Shepherd: Beamer's collar doesn't have a backwards! I'll turn it inside out. And my clothes backwards and inside out, got it.

Shepherd: There's just, like, frogs. And squirrels. I can hear music though! There might be a dance party, I could go ask about green hairy dudes?

Ursula: STAY AWAY FROM THE MUSIC unless it’s the Freemasons I guess

Shepherd: No it's more folk music. The Freemasons play, like, Michael Jackson.

ANYWAY clothes are backwards and inside out. Beamer's collar is backwards and just to be thorough I tied the rope end of his leash to his collar instead of using the clip, so his leash is backwards too. He's pulling me away from the pond!

Ursula: Tell him to go find his sheep!

Shepherd: I have so instructed him! Hopefully there's not, like, the faerie equivalent of really good sheep here. Hey do you want me to grab you an apple

Ursula: No, they don’t come true from seed, but if you can cut me a decent slightly whippy twig with a few leaves, I might be able to root that sucker.

Shepherd: ...you want me to pause a collie on a mission while I test the whippiness of twigs??

I HEAR MOOING. I SEE PINE TREES.

Ursula: GO TOWARD THE MOOING

Shepherd: THERE'S THE OLD RUSTED OUT METAL THING! I'm back! On uh the opposite side of the property from the one I left from.

Also there's a goddamned chorus frog calling.

Ursula: Yeah, they do that.

Ursula: THANK GOD THE KUDZU IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PORTAL

...oh, and you’re back, that’s good too. Very pleased.

Shepherd: Anyway you don't have to feed the boys. Unless you want to?

Ursula: There is no situation where I will WANT to feed your giant-ass death bovines.

Also, what have we learned about following the white doe into the woods?

Shepherd: She knows where the really good apples are?

Also my boys are tiny!!

Ursula: ...I’m gonna go take a nap.

#Ursula Vernon #NeolithicSheep #Faerie

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purge-that-urge-rhackathon · 3 years

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So my epilogue document for All Sales Final is lost and i’ve been trying to locate it in vain for well over a week. So far failing in that, I’ve been attempting to remember what was it in and rewrite it. It’s just like 1k words or so but adhd makes life hard sooo that’ll be up when i can xD i really dont like saying i’d do something by a certain time, and i massively dropped the ball on that so i wanted to be accountable hahahah but it’ll be up and then freakin DONE as soon as i can manage :D im gonna feel sooo much stress relief when that happens like trust me we’re all looking forward to it BAHAHHA XD

I’ve also been massively depressed (which took a hot minute to recognize cuz it is NOT the same kind of depression ive felt in the past), and also went through a crisis of not being able to get my increased-dose adhd meds anymore (they’re like $500 a month apparently, and i’m below poverty level for yearly income so the state of california usually takes care of it in total but they wouldn’t authorize my higher dosage, then the generic with a manufacturer’s coupon was still $103 a month, and i had a total meltdown cuz my meds help my brain a LOT and not being able to get it like im ready to die now lololol but THEN after not responding since the 20th of august, my psychiatrist got back to me and got mediCal to authorize my meds soooo im still reeling on that and a lot of other stuff). I’ve sold my plasma a little over a week ago and im waiting for my veins to fully heal before trying again (there were complications they deemed unsafe so they only got a quarter of a liter before they sent me home) and im really hoping there aren’t complications next time I go in, cuz THEN my name goes on a national registry of individuals who can’t donate plasma, and the money is GOOD even if it really hurt for days afterwards, soooo im also stressing about that. The silver lining though is that regardless of the amount they’re able to harvest, I’ll still get the $185, and that’s like half a paycheck for me so im really excited by that :D It’s gotten really busy lately at my job too so I’ve actually got normal part time hours this week, so i’ve been more tired and playing catch-up with everything and its affected my writing time D:<

im just exhausted with life; with the pandemic and the fucking morons prolonging it; with my worst nightmare come true in Roe v. Wade being destroyed; with living in a super toxic, invalidating environment I have to be at the mercy of; with my fuckhead father whose life i dont give a fucking shit about anymore like hooo don’t even get me started; and also recognizing the decades of childhood trauma/abuse i’ve lived with and thought was normal until very recently. I still haven’t made the phone call to find a therapist that specializes in childhood trauma and ptsd (and that also stresses me out like mad crazy cuz i have a LOT of healing that needs to be done but goddamn i dont enjoy finally comprehending the level of abuse and trauma and toxicity in my life like that shit breaks you guys) soooooo i’ve been goin through some stuff recently and still trying to have a good attitude about it xD i definitely cry on the way home from work every day cuz i dont want to have to come back home, but my cats are there and i look forward to petting them every day sooo we keep on with that HAHA

....on the plus, my younger sister and her husband are actively looking to buy their first home with land connected to it, and she said i can come live with them when that happens, sooooo something to maybe look forward to in the next year. We keep making jokes about a commune, but she wants to live totally off-grid, and i know how to grow weed and enough food to supplement a pantry so like... that would actually be so cool if it happened but for now its just another fun thing to dream about while living the nightmare LOL at least im saving money on fun things xD

#poisonjack jabbers #if youre at all feeling down then dont bother clicking the Read More xD it'll just depress you and i dont wana do that to anyone haha :D #im trying to light a fire under my butt to get this epilogue out because the dopamine im gonna get from it being DONE will be incomparable #also im doing more physical projects back here and might rebrand my shop but those things have to remain secret for now xD #anyways im surprisingly hanging on and i entirely credit my cats xD even a neighborhood cat came and visited me yesterday :D

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laws-yellow-submarine · 3 years

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Forgive me a moment but I need to vent so uhhh scroll on if you'd like or read my ramblings, I don't care either way lol

So like, I posted last week about how I was FINALLY having the appointment to get ADHD meds prescribed, and I was nervous but I was also super excited, and then the appointment just...never happened. Totally wiped from the system, not a word from anyone.

Well I called the office the next day at like 11:30 am and got their voicemail, figured ok no big deal probably on lunch this is easier anyway cause I can just say everything I need to (I have major phone anxiety so I honestly prefer leaving voicemails cause I can't be interrupted and lose track of my thoughts, and it puts it back in their court to contact me). I figured I'd get a call back that afternoon, or maybe the next day.

It's been a week. I haven't heard from anyone.

Now granted I haven't tried calling a second time, mostly because I'm so goddamned frustrated by this entire situation, after months of already trying to get in to see someone about medication (and if you've been here a while you KNOW I've talked in the past about how many hoops I've already had to go through for no reason). Plus there's no reason if they were being professional that they shouldn't have called me back! I was more than willing to give the benefit of the doubt that it was a weird fluke, but now? Not so much.

But that's not even the worst part! The anxiety meds that my current NP pushed for, that I don't personally think I need (or even WANT because anxiety meds have never worked for me) have completely run out, and my automatic refills aren't working! The pharmacy said "we'll contact them for you!" and then nothing! I'm currently in lala land because I had to go off these meds I didn't want a month and a half after starting them!

AND my boyfriend is now getting pissed off at me for not "just making one phone call" because he's under the impression that'll fix everything, not even taking into account that I'm stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, and going through antidepressant withdrawal, and I've expressed that I don't feel capable of "just making one phone call" right now, and considering all the other goddamn issues I've had with this place, I'm not convinced just calling again will do anything other than make me EVEN MORE FRUSTRATED!

He wants me to just keep pushing through and trying to reach them, at this point I'd prefer to just walk away from it and wait until I'm on different insurance (cause I HAVE to switch by June 18th) and finding a competent therapist, especially since it sure seems like I'd have to start all over anyway...

Oh and to top it all off, I was complaining to my mom about the appointment and she flat out told me she went to this place as a teenager and had similar issues, and the patient records she has to look through for her job that come from them haven't improved her opinion on how they operate, so it's not even like this place has a good reputation and I'm just having bad luck, this is the NORM! Like, yes I want/need to medicate my ADHD, but you can't tell me that at this point I'd get them to do it before my insurance ran out anyway...

Anyway this is probably not coherent and I apologize but my boyfriend made some passive aggressive bullshit comment to me about it all and I just had to scream because otherwise I would lose it. Thanks y'all

#leyna speaks #vent post #tw medication #just in case #I'm going through it y'all lol

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apenapaperandadoofus · 3 years

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Okay, first of all, hi!

I don't know if you remember me but I while ago I sent an ask after you ranted saying good qualities about you (and also I said that I'm latina too so I love your posts about Jumin being 'adopted' by a familia latina)

And honestly? This time I can relate with what you said so much! I'm also a med student so I know that's stressful enough, and we kind of have less time to try and be independent.

But also I'm super duper afraid of growing up, so I don't really have much skills and I sometimes feel like I'm a bother because of that. And sometimes I stay in my own world or I'm too idealistic and then I realize reality sucks and I can't do anything about it and it sometimes sucks to live here(? (I mean the world not only latinoamérica lol)

And I'm not one of the best students, and sometimes I feel like I just can't start studying or I can't be productive or organized and I keep procrastinating and I feel bad because my parents are paying for this shit, and in some group proyects I feel like I'm going to make the rest fail (even when I know it's not true) (and I also think I may have adhd but I don't have like extra money rn)

So, what I'm trying to say is

1)you're not alone

2)if you were talking to me, would you tell me that, since I relate to you sm, we're both failures?

No.

We aren't, okay? Sometimes we struggle, we weren't taught the skills to survive, things are hard and sadly we're not in a magic world and we will not find a portal to Porthaven.

And I'm sorry you don't think you're special. Even if it's weir to say cause I also don't think I am, i do think YOU ARE. If you want a methaphor, you're being like Sophie. You have magic in yourself, but you don't realize it yet. You're just believing what everyone else told you to believe.

Yes, you may not be Howl, the 'chosen one' or Stephen Hawkins, but let me tell you we also aren't them. And most of us will never be famous because we did something important.

Your blog is cool. Your writings are cool. You're struggling but also you keep going on. Those may be things that many other people has, but the way you use them is different, and no one is like you. So breath for a moment and take some time. And remember we don't think you're annoying, or a failure, or anything like that. Thank you so much for existing, and I hope your feel more motivated soon

Aw god, hey.

Well how do I start? Uhm, this was so sweet and nice and just. God. I just had to take a moment because I couldn't help but cry. Thank you so much. Truly.

I'm so sad i can't properly express the gratitude I feel towards you right now.

I can really relate to being idealistic and then just...being disappointed. Everytime I read something like HMC I just think maybe, just maybe, it could happen. And I know it's a bit stupid and childish, but i truly can't help but want to be part of a different world...

I think you're special too! I mean look, you just sent the sweetest message in the world, and to be honest it made me feel a bit better. Thank you. I'm sure you're making lots of people smile by being here.

I'm so sorry I can't express my thanks enough.

Right now everything is really hard. And it sucks to feel like this because I feel like i shouldn't...i mean there are people with worse situations, and I feel like such a brat for being like this....i know i have things to look forward to but all I feel is sad, empty.

It's pretty tough. It's been a really tough week. I will try my best to keep my head high though.

Thank you again. You're really an amazing person, and I love you so goddamn much alright? You're amazing, and hey, you have magic in you too. Thank you so much you beautiful person. Thank you. 💕💕💕💕

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dromaeocore · 4 years

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Like.

I was eleven the first time I made a Plan. I had gotten my period and I was going to run away into the wilderness and maybe catch a bus and start a new life, or maybe die because I couldn't handle what was happening to my body - and maybe that was a sign I was broken and God should take me.

I spent the next few years dreaming of being a martyr. Of looking for signs in the sky that the End Times were here and hoping to God I'd have a chance to prove my faith my giving my life to Him. That's what I thought about, day in and day out. That was my plan for the future. Die a gruesome, public death so that I may somehow find some shred of worth in my last moments.

I started getting really depressed at 14. I didn't think I'd make it past 15. Still, I told no one.

By 16, I was switching between "I have to kill myself to find out the truth about reality because I can't handle what the eldritch gods are telling me anymore and I know the government will imprison me if they find me and the world keeps glitching and I can't handle not knowing anything anymore I can't I can't I can't" and "I'm a worthless piece of shit and I deserve to die before I hurt anyone".

When I told a Christian counsellor I hallucinated sometimes, she acted like she didn't hear me and talked to me about respecting my parents and we prayed a lot.

I had a short stint of happiness for a few months at 17 before it all came crashing down on me tenfold. By that point, I didn't believe in recovery. I just didn't.

The psychotic symptoms came back again, different themes this time, but no less terrifying. I attempted twice at 18, and you know who I told? Absolutely no one. I still think it's some kind of miracle I survived the second time around. I secretly went to two sessions of campus therapy and said I sometimes feel like wanting to die, but don't worry, I don't have a plan and would never actually do it.

At 19, I moved back home and had a long mental health evaluation where I was desperate enough to be kind of honest. I got diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication and for once in my life I felt like my brain worked. I got therapy with a man who self-identified as a fundamentalist Christian - but was mature enough to set his beliefs aside to help me. This was the first time I learned actual CBT skills. The first time I felt a glimmer of hope for my future. I started exercising. I started seeing my grades improve. I got accommodations for my disabilities. For once I started to develop dreams and an identity beyond how abysmal my mental health was and "what's the best way to kill myself?".

I think the times I was most convinced recovery wasn't possible for me was during the relapses of this period. I wish it'd taken me less time to learn that relapses would Happen. I thought I was doomed. I thought the universe had a target on my head and my time was here at long last.

Instead, I moved out at 20 to get some space. I had the faintest glimmer of myself and I knew that glimmer was incompatible with the church-heavy life my folks were having me lead back there. My identity was in shambles, but this time, I liked myself just enough to want to build one.

The flashbacks and dissociation began to take over my life and after about six months of that I thought shit, I need to start seeing a trauma therapist. So I did, in secret, with cash, leaving the phone tracker at home while I drove to hourly sessions and it turned out yep, this was PTSD.

And slowly, I learned how to live again. I was finishing my AA while working almost full time at a minimum wage job and living off of oatmeal and sweet potatoes and beans and rice. I didn't really have goals. Or a social life. Or even decent grades. But I learned to love the parts of myself that wanted to die, and I learned I really, really liked cooking, and I met my best friend, and I fell in love. And suddenly it didn't feel like my mental health and the deeply closeted life I was living affected just me anymore.

There were relapses, of course there were. But then my car broke down completely, and somehow I garnered enough of a self-preservation instinct to ask a friend for help, and I stayed at his place for a few weeks, and kept the phone tracker at work, and I came out to my parents, and that's still the most terrifying thing I've ever done. (Speaking as someome who drove across the country in the middle of a national uprising and a pandemic.)

And now - woah! I have so many goddamn goals and dreams I don't even know what to do with myself or where to start! I'm so fucking scattered and indecisive it's frustrating and sometimes it feels like it'll be impossible to finish any of them but holy shit! I have dreams! I want to be alive! There's so much I want to do and so little time and that's!!! Woah!!!

Despite that, I'm still depressed. Seriously, it takes me hours to get out of bed without a pressing Responsibility. I feel at least somewhat grey and foggy and tired 75% of the time.

But when you look at the fact that I've been actively suicidal for PRETTY MUCH my entire thinking life minus the majority of the past couple years? Bro, I'm on cloud nine. I'm doing great. [insert "do you think a depressed person could make THIS?" screencap from parks and rec here]

I never thought I'd make it to 15, 16, 17, 18, 19. 22 was out of the goddamn question and you know what? I'm on like, teenager-level of Life Plans right now. But I have a LIFE! And I have PLANS! Plans ABOUT that life - not about vanquishing it! And isn't that wonderful?

I sometimes muster the energy to work on my fursuit. I draw a fair amount. I'm making OCs and original stories, again. I go on runs with my boyfriend and we cook together and cuddle a lot and I actually get to go outside and hike around sometimes. I'm looking into getting involved in volunteering somewhere and I'm gonna start weightlifting again. Medical/legal transition is no longer some faraway, impossible dream. And I pet dogs. And watch a whole lot of Avatar: The Last Airbender.

So. Yeah. I'm not cured. My level of functioning now is about at the neurotypical level of "holy shit, what's wrong with me, I need to see a doctor". (And guess what - that's in the plans, too)

But I'm recovering and coping and likely will be the rest of my life. That's how lifelong illnesses are, babey. But I've accepted that. And I've got a good, full life ahead of me - a life I didn't even think I deserved, a few years ago.

Anyways. I hope my story gives someone out there some hope. I see a LOT of mental illness recovery stories like "I had an acute depressive episode for a year, talked to a therapist and got some meds, now I'm back to Normal Happy Life!!", but... nothing for those of us who've been dealing with severe mental illness for so long that we don't even have a before to go back to.

From a young adult who's been fighting with their own brain since they were a kid: As long as you're alive, there's hope.

And for the love of GOD, stop comparing yourself to people who've never have to deal with this level of Brain Fuck before.

#personal #mental illness #suicide #recovery #long post #SOOOOOO THATS ALL I GOTTA SAY ON THAY #*THAT

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ckret2 · 4 years

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Okay so I got an ask like,

anonymous asked: whose ur favorite Hazbin character? Like your absolute #1 and why?

and technically my answer is Alastor, but Sir Pent is such a close second that I gave my reasons for him too in that ask, and now I’m making a second post about Alastor.

Reasons I really like Alastor but like, only slightly more than Sir Pent:

- Honestly “I can suck ya dick” *IMMEDIATE BRAIN BREAK FACE* is probably the moment I, like, mentally latched on to Alastor’s character, and at that point I don’t think I even knew yet that the creator had said he was ace. It just... I could feel the aceness in my soul. Like that thing where Jedi run into somebody and go “oh you’re strong in the Force, I can tell.” That was just such a perfect and succinct ace joke, and by that I mean like it feels like a joke from an ace perspective. Like it was so relatable.

- tbh half my reasons for liking Alastor are “oh that’s relatable,” which is hilarious, because like... I don’t like characters because I relate to them, ever, but because I think they’re interesting in their strange/different ways. Alastor is the sole exception I can think of where half the reasons I like him is because I look at him and go “oh big mood.” Other ace or aro characters I’ve seen in the past just make me go “oh... okay. cool. nice, representation for me” and then I don’t really care about them. Alastor, though, the SECOND I learned he was ace, something in my brain went “FUCK YES. ONE OF OURS.” I immediately sat down and started writing a character study fic about Alastor being ace/aro in the exact same precise way that I’m ace/aro, and that was even before we got confirmation that he was aro. I was ready to go all in on him anyway.

- Half the reason I like his ace/aro-ness when I don’t care about it as much on other characters is because like... usually, when you get an ace/aro character, it goes one of two ways:

1) their entire character is built around/“in tune with” their ace/aro-ness, in a way. Most obvious when you have the stereotypical “robot/alien that cannot love,” but also seen in “character that is naive and pure and innocent and lustless,” “character that acts like an actual literal child,” “character that acts like a bad autism cliche,” “character that’s too cold or cruel or emotionless to feel love,” etc. And that’s boring, when they’re only ace/aro because the writer cannot imagine a character Like That being any other way, or because the writer cannot imagine an ace/aro being Any Other Way.

Or, 2) they’re written as “too normal,” as in, like, NOTHING ABOUT THEIR PERSONALITY or life experiences or anything seems shaped AT ALL by the fact that they do not share an internal sense of lust and/or romance that most of the rest of the human species not only has, but also is obsessed with.

And Alastor falls in neither camp. He’s gregarious and talkative and puts on little performances wherever he goes, and he obnoxiously butts in on somebody else’s group project by begging for an opportunity to help out and then obnoxiously volunteers his friends who hate him to help with the group project, and he’s manipulative and dangerous and secretive and violent, and he hides his emotions and he disguises when he’s feeling weak... and also the quickest way to throw him off his game is to make a sexual pass at him because he’s blindsided so hard by it that it’s like for a moment there he forgot that sex exists.

And that’s what I want to see. A character whose personality isn’t based on/tied into his ace/aro-ness, BUT we can clearly see his character IS INFLUENCED by the fact that he views the world through a completely different lens from everyone else.

I can imagine that Alastor had to puzzle through What Is Love/What Is Desire, purely on a psychological “what’s going on inside other people’s heads?” level, as an outside observer incapable of participating it and trying to understand it based on anecdotes and fictionalized accounts and descriptions and conversations, comparing it to the emotions inside his own head and trying to go “so it’s kind of like this feeling plus that one and those, but More, and Different, and in that Other Direction.” I can imagine that as a kid Alastor “decided” to have crushes because he knew it was about that time it should be starting, and it hadn’t happened by then, so maybe what he needs to do is pick whoever he thinks is best-looking and get going with the crushing on them, right? I can imagine that Alastor spent his teen years waiting for his desires to “turn on” the way they did for everyone else, and being slightly puzzled when they took so long, but also okay with it because the more he thought about it the more it seemed like it was probably a nuisance—no one around him was someone he’d like to be attracted to—so he was fine with the fact it was taking so long, and he sort of assumed that it wasn’t because he didn’t have the capacity for desire but because none of his peers were desirable to him. I can imagine that he had his first kiss at like fifteen and thought it was horrible and gagged on it, and within an hour decided this was absolutely hilarious.

I can imagine Alastor having all these experiences—which are experiences I had. I’ve never seen another ace/aro character I can easily and naturally imagine having a single experience in common with me. Because no other ace/aro characters feel to me like ace/aro characters. They’re either characters with an ace/aro sticker arbitrarily and meaninglessly slapped on them, or they’re a walking stereotype about lovelessness.

- Besides Alastor’s spectacular Asexuelle Panique™ face, the other single line that made me latch onto him was “Why does anyone do anything? Sheer! Absolute! Boredom!” There are some very specific character types that I’m an absolute sucker for, and one of them is: extremely powerful character, at the top of their game, unstoppable and uncontrollable and unmatched, a loner who likes it that way, BUT they’re bored as hell, either because they’ve met all their goals or because they don’t know how to set any—and the boredom is eating them up inside, it’s driving them slowly mad, the sheer tedium of trying to fill one day after another with nothing to do is weighing down on them, if depression is usually compared to a heavy rain then this depression is like an endless empty waiting room, or depression like solitary confinement, or depression like an unmoving sun shining on an infinite flat desert, the depression of a completely empty hollow life leveled flat by infinite interminable boredom, a boredom they would do ANYTHING to get rid of, a boredom that’s like a withdrawal, a boredom that makes your hands shake and your pulse quicken with desperate need for the drug to stave off the withdrawal symptoms, but god, you don’t even know what the drug IS, you just know you NEED it, some form of stimulation, ANY stimulation, you’re going mad in this empty desert with your hands trembling and the withdrawal clouding your mind—

Have I mentioned that I have ADHD? Did you know that untreated ADHD can result in depression specifically due to chronic mental understimulation? I keep telling myself “bruh, don’t headcanon Alastor as having ADHD, you don’t even headcanon that he has any other traits that line up with ADHD symptoms,” but like. That one line. “Sheer! Absolute! Boredom!” I felt that in my very bones. There is desperation in that man. There is desperation in him that speaks to me like nothing else does. Like to the point that if it turns out that Alastor secretly DOES have a secret evil manipulative scheme going on I’m going to be annoyed/disappointed specifically because his driving motive isn’t boredom, lmao.

Anyway I feel for characters like that. I like to explore that desperate despairing boredom. I like to force them through that understimulation withdrawal, drive them to do stupid wild desperate things to try to get the stimulation they need. And then, when I’m feeling nice, I like to help them find a cure. Usually I imagine the cure is “dude, you’re such a loner that you’ve cut yourself off from the rest of the human race, you have NO human connections, even when you’re technically interacting with other people you’re still completely emotionally isolated inside your own shell. Make some goddamn friends and start to care about other people and their lives and you’ll find that the act of having other people exist in your world who matter to you will give you that stimulation you’re desperately missing.” Because these desperately bored characters are also desperately emotionally isolated. And they might be happy/content in their isolation—but they’re not doing anything to cure their own understimulation like that.

(“Hey OP is that how you cured your understimulation?” nah I got ADHD meds.)

- Remember everything that I just said about how much I love that Alastor is aro? Well forget everything I just said. Chuck it out the window. Bye.

So every once in a while I find a character that, for whatever reason, I really, really, really want to see pining. I want them to be in love, and I want it to be unrequited, and I want it to go on for years. I want them sobbing in private and then hiding it completely when they face anyone else. I want them to hurt so bad they feel like they can’t breathe. I want them unable to think about anything but their beloved. I want it festering inside them like an infected wound. I want it to hurt. Forever.

(“Hey OP do you uh, do you ever, yknow, want them to get their loved one?” yeah sure whatever)

For some reason, Alastor is one of those characters. Why? I dunno. I haven’t figured out my mental pattern on these ones yet. Maybe it’s specifically because it’s so incongruous with his outward appearance/and attitude. Maybe it’s because he’d do a really really good job at hiding it, but also I think he’s probably kind of a mess inside under his mask, and I think adding unrequited desire under that mask would mess him up anymore in really spectacular ways. Like a china cabinet that shifted in an earthquake so that if you open all the doors all the plates will fall out and break, except they’re already all broken inside of the china cabinet, but he’s in denial about that as long as he doesn’t open the door. I dunno, I’m speculating.

- On that note: I feel like he’s probably, like, hypercompetent and super powerful and super successful on the outside, but actually he’s a sort of screwed up dork who’s got no idea what he’s doing. (I present the furby organ as supporting evidence.) I like extremely powerful deeply feared dorks, ESPECIALLY when they have no idea what they’re doing.

- Also, affable villains. Totally friendly/sociable and totally evil.

- I dig his weird radio schtick. Like, Radio Stuff isn’t a thing I specifically like about characters, but on him I think it’s cool. Character gimmicks that can go a lot of ways and that you can do a lot of stuff with in character development are fun.

I think that covers all the important bases.

#alastor #hazbin hotel #meta #anonymous #ask

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sallyface-incorrect · 5 years

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The Struggles of Having ADHD

- Only Being able to sleep either 2 hours or 16, there’s no in between. I am legit typing this at 3:02 am because I can’t sleep and I haven’t slept that much and it sucks. Summer is for sleeping, not for stress.

- Not being able to remember basic information about someone like their name, but being able to remember that they once told you that their great great aunt had a mole on her foot the shape of Texas. True story btw, sorry Amber.

- Feeling like your being rejected if your friend can’t make it to hang out with you because of family reasons. RSD is a bitch. Like the tiniest thing can make you feel rejected. Ie, your mom telling you not to be so loud, someone asking why your sneezes are so loud, someone asking you to return their pen, etc.

- Having your medication ware off/forgetting to take it and being the most annoying bitch in the galaxy. I once went on a school trip and my meds wore off and I ended up spending the 2 hour bus ride back annoying the guy who was trying to sleep in front of me, again, I am so sorry Max.

- IDK if it’s just me but, chewing on literally everything. Bottle caps, paper, fabric, rubber (my favorite), and much more. I used to get punished all the time for chewing on things I wasn’t supposed to. Nail biting is also a big thing. And so is hair chewing.

- Being told “You’re too smart to have ADHD”. Well Susan, I have a neurological devolpmental disorder, I’m not retarded.

- Either giving too much information or not enough when in conversation, and also bringing up really irrelevant things in the conversation like, I know we’re talking about the Louisiana Perchance but can I tell you about this one time it rained and I saw a snail?

- Being botherd by loud and/or repetitive noises. Pen clicking and high pitched sirens make me want to scream. They suckkk harder then Travis wants to suck Sal’s dick. And the worse is when people think you’re weird or that you have a problem with them for asking. I understand you like to click your pen and I’m so sorry it’s just so loud...

- Being afraid of your friends rejecting you. Again, RSD is a bitch. Like you’re afraid that one day your bestie will get up and leave and never come back and it’s all your fault and you suck and ughhhhhh. You’re also afraid their s/o / parents hate you and one day they’ll convince them to just leave you.

- Medication is a godsend but it’s also problematic. The stuff that I take fucks up my sleep schedule, my appetite, and make me tired and nauseous. It also gives me headaches and belly aches :(

- Either being so hungry that you also eat everything in your fridge or being so not hungry that even the concept of food disgust you. And sometimes, you even throw up because food is so gross and you’re gross and all that gross is inside you and eww.

- Intense, powerful migraines. They get worse in the winter months. Last year I took almost a week off of school because my migraines got worse and worse and worse and I couldn’t do it.

- Having no measurement of personal space or how to physically interact with someone. I just said hi, do I hug you, do I high five you, idk? Like idk how many potential friendships I’ve fucked up because I was too handsey.

- Being really particular about the type of clothing I wear. I love LOVE long sleeve shirts/ sweatshirts/ sweaters/ hoodies and shorts. I also love to wear socks around the house. I hate HATE wearing socks with shoes though, it makes me anxious. I also hate wearing certain types of pants. I literally only have 2 - 3 pairs of pants I’ll wear because pants sometimes feel like a tent and I hate that.

- Not being able to loose weight. I’m not fat, or chubby, I mean I have abs for God’s sake! It’s just that I have thick ass thigh I h a t e and I wish I could just get rid of them but my medication prevents me from loosing all that weight. On the bright side, I can eat a lot and not gain weight either.

- Having certain little routines you can’t skip. For example, every morning I must shave my legs and brush my hair or the world will end. I also must have all the doors and windows closed or else I’m gonna scream.

- Also idk if this is a problem for anyone else but doors and windows being open. I can’t stand it, I mean please, I don’t care that you’re just coming up for 1 thing but p l e a s e for the love of g o d, close the door that leads to upstairs. Having it open just isn’t right.

- Hyperfixiating on something for soo long that you forget to do basic hygiene like shower, use the bathroom, brush your hair, brush your teeth. It can get you in really big trouble but at least the job is done.

- Having a comfort item. Like I have this stuffed lamb whose name is “Lambchop” but I call “Lambie” and I sleep with them each and every night and carry them around the house with me when I’m home and if I’m upset I NEED to cuddle them bacuse it’s the only thing that will make the world go away.

- Being insanely good at certain academics and shitty at others. For example, when I was in 5th grade I was reading at an undergrad level and had the ability to understand science concepts a senior would be learning but my math was at the level of a second graders.

- Idk how to describe it but like, doing movements half way and the forgetting about them. Like this one time I was at a piano recital and I went to reach for something and forgot what I was reaching for so I just kinda held my hand up in a grabbing motion for half a song and then forgot about it until my mom reminded me to put it down.

- Not being able to understand that people don’t want to hear about your hyperfixiation. I’ve had 2 cases of this in my life, my “ghosts are definitely really and now this is my only personality triat” and my “I’m not a weeb but Tokyo Ghoul is so good now let me tell you all about the plot.” (Tokyo Ghoul gang REPRESENT)

- Having 3 different moods, hyperactive, normal, and cold. Like you’re normal most of the time but sometimes you’re sooo hyper that your an entirely different person, or sometimes you’re sooo distant you’re a different person too.

- Not being able to identify your emotions very well. Like, this guy just told me that my dad and my bestie are asshole who deserve to die in a fire, what am I feeling? Am I sad? Angry? Scared? Do I think this is funny? Am I gonna laugh? Cry? Idk, throw hands? Or the dreaded crush. Do I have feelings for this person or do I just want to be really good friends? Do I hate them? Love them? Am I gonna cry the next time I see them? Last time we hung out was fun but idk???

- Also like I mentioned, romance/sexuality is hard. Last time I dated I dated this guy I really liked, or at least I thought I did. We dated for three months before I blew it off because he asked to put his arm around me and it was weird when I said yes. Also sexuality. Idk if this is a problem for anyone else or just my bisexual ass. Like it’s so hard and I really like guys but hey, girls are hot. And like I like guys more than girls?? Sometime it makes me feel really fake.

- Really enhanced weird hearing. I know at least 80% of my classes drama because I have superhearing and I’m a literal hearing god bow down, bitch. I can hear the smallest of sounds and such, but for some goddamn reason I can’t understand how loud I’m being.

- Extestensial nihilism and just being cool about it. Like, dude, idk if there’s a god out there? I’d like to think there’s some sort of Devine power and we have a purpose but idk, we probably don’t have a purpose. I mean, we’ll be forgotten after we die anyway unless we’re Tom Holland. And love probably doesn’t exist either and it’s only stigmatized by movies and books and media and we’re all gonna get married and be miserable for ever and such. But like does it really even matter? In the end we’re all alone so go off I guess.

- Being really sensitive to smell. Certain smells drive me through the roof. For example, I have an extreme fish allergy and even smelling the slightest hint a salmon can give me a migraine so intense I think I’m dying. Or essential oils. Ughh I hate those. They send me through the roof.

- Being able to remember something you heard in a YouTube video you watched back when you were nine but not being able to remember when you birthday is some days because it really be like that.

- Being really good with little kids. Idk if everyone is like this but I am very childish myself and little kids love me. I have at least 3 little boys in 1st - 3rd grade who think I’m their girlfriend and 8 little girls in kindergarten - 5th grade who think I’m their big sister, it’s really sweet.

- Always apologizing is a big thing for me. When I was a child I used to get in trouble for saying sorry when I did anything and that carried to teen hood. Last year at my dance class my teacher noticed this and tried to help me break my habit god bless you Christine.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk bois. ADHD sucks but I know you can do it👌🏻

#aaa i know this doesn’t fit this blog’s aesthetic #i just felt like making it #sorry guys #not a quote #adhd #add #adhd rsd #adhd inattentive #adhd awareness #tw mental health #mental health

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millythepuppet · 5 years

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STUPID HEMOPHOBIC BITCH REVIEWS - SAW II

Wow. I have a lot more to say. As soon as I finished Saw II and the credits were rolling, I immediately messaged my friend this:

....and god, was it! Saw II is in this weird middle phase where it’s not known as being this nasty tacky gorefest yet but its still trying to be more shocking than the first movie. It’s like puberty but for a movie franchise. And this franchise’s puberty is a rough one. It’s got cystic acne, braces and an overbite. If it were a good, well written movie like the first one I would have enjoyed sitting through it, and if it was some tacky mess I would have enjoyed sitting through it. It’s not even a good bad movie. It’s just a bad bad movie now.

I think the biggest problem with the movie was the characters. The only two characters who behaved like human beings throughout the entire movie were Aamanda Young and John Kramer, and since I knew the twist going into this one, I was like,,, I’m rooting for the bad guys!!! What!!! I’d be lying to you if I didn’t sit through half of the movie waitin for Jigsaw to kill the bimbo cop like

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None of the characters in the trials were developed enough for me to care about them and so none of them felt like they were justified when they did stupid shit. I didn’t see it as a character flaw, I saw it as annoying. Xavier was the worst offender of this, randomly deciding to kill people instead of just explaining his ideas to the people he was trapped with, ykno, like an ADULT. The razor box was a specific trap I remembered from the wikis, and god was it not exciting. Addison leaves the group because her feelings were hurt I GUESS, and she finds a trap all by herself, with a tape. Instead of asking ANYONE ELSE to give her the tape recorder, she just fucking goes for it and sticks one hand in the trap. She DROPS THE ANTIDOTE, SO SHE HAS NO CHANCE OF COMPLETING THE TASK AT THIS POINT, AND STICKS HER OTHER FUCKING HAND IN!!! I’m sitting there on my living room couch, screaming WHY!!!!!!! YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO JUST DIE LIKE THAT!! sHE JUST STUCK HER HANDS IN AND SAID PEACE OUT EVERYONE, IM DEAD NOW I GUESS? How the fuck was she supposed to get ot of that one, Jigsaw? Where’s your moral lesson in that trap? Anyways back to Xavier because he’s the fucking WORST and my meds are wearing off. When he starts cutting off the skin on the back of his neck to get the safe code number (which was NEVER USED BY THE WAY) and hello zepp starts kicking in, I WAS LIKE YOU TURN THAT SHIT DOWN NOW, THIS MOMENT IS NOT DESERVING OF HELLO ZEPP, FUCK YOU. You’RE PULLING HELLO ZEPP NOW, WHEN THE FIRST MOVIE MADE THAT MOMENT AND THAT MUSIC INTO A CINEMATIC MASTERPIECE??

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This was me dring that moment. Imagine Hello Zepp instead of Nicki Minaj though. Okay let’s talk about the main protagonist, bimbo cop. I’ve been avoiding him. The only likability/relatability I could find in his character is that my adhd ass also can’t listen to anyone monolouge for like more than 5 minutes. The fact that he couldn’t just reason with the man who kidnapped his kid for 5 minutes to save the goddamn kid was ridiculous. I don’t think anyone would have behaved like he did in that scenario. He was FULLY deserving of death, and, as stated before, I was pumped when he finally died. I was also even more happy that Amanda did it. Let’s talk about a good thing this movie had in it.

AMANDA YOUNG. Again. She has been the highlight of every single saw movie so far and I can’t wait for her to deliver in Saw iii. (YES i know what eventually happens to her in Saw iii.) But still, her twist was fun, she was the only character who was actually trying to help in the trials, and the new haircut was cute. But I can’t talk about Amanda in Saw ii without talking about that trial. Yeah. Let’s get into this can of worms, or should I say needles. Absolutely horrifying. I felt sick watching that go down. It was so powerful watching something so gut wrenching and genuinely horrifying without any explicit blood or gore. I think it’s one of the most effective saw trials that they have put into the franchise, and it’s definitely going to leave me with nightmares. It’s so much more distressing watching it in person than it is to read about it on the wikis. I can’t describe in words how terrifying that moment was. It was, in that regard, the highlight of Saw ii. It was also the best performance of Saw ii, watching Amanda scream in agony from being PUSHED in, to her giving in and frantically searching, grabbing piles of needles at a time. That transition was FANTASTIC. This scene definitely made me love Amanda’s character even more, and made the twist at the end oh so satisfying. I’m no twitter stan but I might as well be after watching Amanda Young in Saw i and ii.

Saw ii sucked a lot more and felt like it was trying too hard to be shocking and to have compelling characters that completely fell flat. Except for Jigsaw and Amanda, who were both AMAZING and SEXY. I’m very thankful that they are going to be the only motherfuckers from this shitshow of a movie that I will be seeing again.

#saw ii #amanda young #queen #saw

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