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#all my life my heart has yearned for a thing i cannot name

rootbeerworshiper · 8 days

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means something

matt sturniolo x fem!reader

summery: your best friend stopped talking to you suddenly but you need one last chance at closure

warnings: angst lol

a/n: short and sweet (and sad) but i had fun writing it. alsoooo it’s based on the song but you don’t need the song playing in the background bc the pacing is different

love, sienna <3

you let out a defeated sigh as you focus your attention on a blank sheet of paper. it was supposed to be easy now, easier to let out your thoughts and begin to reconstruct your views on the situations that bring you sadness. at least that’s what your therapist advised you.

but instead you have nothing but small doodles of hearts on the top of the paper, serving as nothing but a sad reminder of your own life and how it lacks the love you always read about.

‘hopeless romantic’ used to feel like the wrong word, because there was a point where you had hope for a story like you see in the movies. a classic romantic comedy plot line was one you had always yearned for.

it’s silly how badly you’ve wanted it. you know you’re a complete person without it, you have strengths and aspirations and you cannot base your worth onto stupid boys.

but he wasn’t stupid. not in the slightest, regardless of what others said about him.

he was thoughtful and caring in ways no one else has been to you. never in your life have you seen someone so in touch with their own emotions at that level.

that’s because he’s special. to you and to so many other people.

April 17th, 2022

dear Matt,

i’m not entirely sure how to do this whole thing but it’s a step in healing that i’m more than inclined to take. part of me just really wants to get better so i have to do something to help me.

it might seem really random that i’m mailing you a letter, and trust me i understand how odd it is. but for once i needed you to hear me, and i can’t really send this message to a blocked number.

i can’t see anything in life without thinking of you. i saw a street sign the other day and i had to squint because, for a moment i thought i saw your last name plastered on the plastic. and i thought that it meant something. like the universe was trying to tell me something.

how pathetic is that? you know i can’t even have most of my favourite snacks anymore because they were our favourite snacks. the new foods you introduced me to when i forced you to watch ‘to all the boys i’ve loved before’ with me in middle school are practically forbidden from my apartment.

“this is the dumbest movie concept ever” Matt speaks, an annoyed undertone to his voice as he looks to me.

“you haven’t even watched it yet how can it be dumb? you know you might end up enjoying it if you watch it with an open mind” i reply, snuggling into his arm as my body rests on the soft couch cushion.

it definitely doesn’t take long for him to become invested.

“wait someone sent the letters?”

“why is she kissing him? doesn’t she like margo’s boyfriend?”

“damn they’re really just making out in a public hot tub”

the movie comes to a close, a cute song playing as the credits roll. “so, what did you think?”

“i think that i really like root beer and i really need the second movie now” he exclaims, sipping his bubbly liquid before looking down at me with the same blue eyes that can easily make me dizzy.

“i thought you’d come around Matt”

now i’m just a girl getting sad over a canned soda and a familiar brand of chips because it reminds me of all the good that once was.

along with this, i know everything about you.

i know your zodiac sign, me and leo’s are really compatible, which i never failed to mention to you despite how little you believe in astrology.

i can’t lie, the amount of silly little compatibility quizzes i took throughout middle school with our names punched in was a bit excessive, but every time without fail i would get the answers i had hoped for. and i thought that meant something.

i know how hard it was growing up for you. but i was there for you when you needed someone to force you to go to school in the morning, or when you needed help ordering food at the gas station across the street.

i used to think we were soulmates. not always romantic, but we just understood each other so well and i considered it to be sacred.

whenever i went through my own shit you were there for me. it was always so easy. knowing that if i had a bad day i had someone to go to who would listen with open ears… i guess it’s just been hard to live without that.

“Matt why did he break up with me? am i that unlovable?” i cry out, my head buried in matt’s chest as he rubs small circles on the back of my head.

he just pulls my head off of him, hands placed on either cheek as he looks at me. “i don’t think there is anyone on this planet that is more lovable than you”

i sniffle, trying my best to suppress the numerous tears that want nothing more than to escape my eyes. “so why did he break up with me out of the blue? after eight months why did he just decide he’s done with me?”

“because he’s an idiot who doesn’t understand the girl he just lost”

i cried for hours that night when my boyfriend broke up with me, and i know you remember. the next morning i woke up in your arms and i immediately felt guilty for keeping you up so late with my sob stories, but you didn’t care.

you said you wanted what’s best for me and you would make it your life’s goal to make me happy. and then you had the audacity to run your fingers through my hair as i thought about what to do next. that along with the constant reminders of how much i deserved love, that it was a definite thing for me.

how is that okay? do you not see how that was so completely confusing? did it mean absolutely nothing?

i haven’t kissed many people in my life, something Chris loved to tease me about. what he doesn’t know is that you were my first.

we never talked about it. maybe that was for the best, because every time i see a picture of you all i can think about is how good your lips felt on mine.

“i can’t just kiss you!” i laugh out, taking another swig of my drink before wiping my lips and looking back at the boy who has a serious expression resting on his face.

“sure you can. i don’t want jack to have an unfortunate ending to your guys’ date if u end up like… licking his bottom lip or some shit” he argues, holding his own drink in his own hand but keeping his attention solely on me.

“you’re just saying that because you’re drunk”

“maybe” he replies, sensing my hesitance. “is the idea of kissing me that bad?”

“no! no of course not, i just don’t wanna make it weird between us” i say, suddenly feeling a pool of anxiety form in my stomach.

but then, before i could form another overwhelming thought you just kissed me. just like that your lips were attached to mine and everything felt okay.

it was short lived, although i know i could have been like that forever. “nothing could ever make things weird between us, promise”

it’s funny isn’t it? how many times we assured each other that our friendship was solid, unbreakable.

i think the worst part is the not knowing. there’s nothing to comfort me with.

you left one day and you simply never spoke to me again. was it my fault? was it something i said?

i can’t help but wonder if the reason you cut it off is because you noticed all the small glances i would take in your direction. or if you noticed that the reason why i love romance books so much is because i imagine we’re the main characters.

that’s the thing though, i’ll never know. i feel less like myself without you, but maybe that’s part of growing up.

i have to learn what my own favourite snacks are and i can’t reply on you to have my back when i get my heart broken. instead i’ll be crying in an empty bed wondering what could’ve happened differently.

this wasn’t supposed to be a long letter but i promise it’s the only one you’ll be getting from me because i have to do the same as you, i have to move on.

i just have one question for you.

did all of this mean something to you? like really mean something to you in the way that i interpreted it.

i’ve wondered if i was delusional when i caught you staring at me from across the classroom, or when i found those compatibility tests in your search history.

but the kiss? drunk or not i thought something was there, with you or with us or whatever else. i didn’t think i was just another girl that Matt Sturniolo kisses and then forgets about but that’s exactly what i became.

anyways, i hope this letter finds you well. i had to ask Nate for your address but please don’t get mad at him. you know how stubborn i am when i want something and he tried to say no.

i guess i just love you, and i’m trying my best to make that sentence into past tense.

thanks for listening, y/n.

you grab an envelope that resides on the edge of your desk and open it up. folding up your letter and placing it gently inside before licking the tip of the envelope and closing it.

it all feels metaphorical. pouring your heart out just for it to get concealed by a thin piece of paper and shipped away.

regardless, you breathe out, standing up and making your way over to the garage to start your car. if you don’t do it know you won’t do it at all, and you need him to hear you.

a/n: if u want a part 2 you might get one maybe… we’ll see what i’m feeling anyways hope you enjoyed this blurb

taglist: @lolasnoww-blog @tastesousweet @ivypoison @disturbedwoodelf @sturnswift @junnniiieee07 @ellie-luvsfics @sturnified @madsdogst @justlivinglive @sluttycupsworld @flowerxbunnie @mbsbaby @sturniolossmut @lustfulslxt @69isabella69 @dracoflaco @mattslatinagf @raekensluver @worldlxvlys @greatooglymooglyyy @breeloveschris @st7rnioioss @imwetforyourmom @sturniolololover @immuneweed @its-jennarose @taco-taco-posts @luverboychris @gracealwaysdisgrace @gamermattsgf @mattscoquette @nervoussagittarius @sugrhigh @jnkvivi @sturnsmia

#sturniolo triplets #matt sturniolo #sturniolo #matt sturniolo x reader #matt x reader #matthew sturniolo #matt sturniolo oneshots #matt sturniolo fanfic #matt sturniolo imagine #matt sturniolo angst #chris sturniolo #nick sturniolo #matt sturniolo fluff #Spotify

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cosmicsuperstars · 2 months

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lion-heart,

JING YUAN has been called "lion-like" before.

it's a fitting description. some of his physical features — his slanted golden eyes, his sly smiles, his powerful presence — and even a few aspects of his personality — his consistent slumbering, his relaxed gait, his lazy blinks — all of those only contribute to that identifier.

and, like any lion, he is fiercely protective of those he calls his.

yanqing, for one. his retainer — or, perhaps, son would be the more accurate term.

you, for another.

JING YUAN gives love easily. his heart is big enough for the entire luofu. he's been christened a benevolent general. he guards his people with the ferociousness of a lion defending its pride, and gives them all he is able to give.

it's inevitable, however, that some people make places for themselves in his heart. he loves in abundance, but there are a few for whom that love carries on.

once, it had been simply the high cloud quintet — the luofu's sword champion, the vidyahara high elder, the master forgesmith, the foxian traveler. though, of course, he knew them by different names.

and now, the space that houses those he cherishes above all else has grown. the master diviner. the young lieutenant.

and, of course, you.

when he closes his eyes, he traces the curve of your smile. the crinkle of your eyes. the way your lashes feather against your cheekbones. there is an ever-present yearning in him now.

he cannot imagine a life without you. and nor would he want to.

you have filled him up with so much love, he feels like he could be drunk on it alone. if he could bottle up the feeling, he might, just so he would never have to feel sad again.

JING YUAN is the kind of person who would love someone for eternity, and perhaps even beyond that.

💬 DIRECTOR'S CUT: clears throat. jing yuan. send tweet. but in all honesty, i adore jy as a character. he's my blorbo. i want to give him nice things and have him adopt me. anyways: enjoy your general!

#🎬...now playing!#jing yuan x reader #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader

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perfectfeelings · 7 months

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All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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perfectquote · 11 days

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All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

381 notes · View notes

fire-lizard-ro · 9 days

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Aventurine angst/comfort

CW: spoilers for 2.1, Aventurine’s real name, talk of death/genocide, deep seated trauma, trying to heal from trauma, Aventurine's past, talk of slavery (his time as a slave), self loathing, esteem issues, talk of ego and sense of self, identity crisis???, a bit of a character study I think, meandering around because I cannot structure my thoughts whoopsie, there was a single Projecting Moment oops my b

Long post, so buckle up. I might add more later ehe-

No mentioned gender for reader.

Writing under the cut (SFW):

I had the sudden realization that Aven probably doesn’t know as much about the culture he lost as he’d like. Or at least as he’d secretly like to know. For years he was preoccupied with surviving and putting on a mask seared so deep into his ego that he might have forgotten those wishes were even there. But when the dust has settled, and his job is done? Once he’s “slipped the collar” and found his freedom? There’s… a lot less external noise to distract him from the noise inside.

It's just like he said. You must first fool yourself in order to fool everyone else. Aventurine must have tried his damnedest to forget the silly little wishes of Kakavasha. Those wishes needed to be buried in the dirt along with his name. They could never come true, so what was the use of having them in the first place? But that doesn’t stop the heart from yearning for the things it lost.

The longer he’s away from the stage, that place full of dazzling lights where it was always all eyes on him and he was always the circus act of balancing on a tight rope- always gambling on the knife’s edge between life and death… The more Kakavasha seems to remember what he used to dream of. It’s like the slow trickle of water from a crack in the tank.

Once he’s with you and he’s comfortable enough to tell you about his story… Once he’s given time to really trust you. The tank breaks and it’s like he’s a fish out of water, all of his “self” exposed under your gaze. It’s terrifying. But at the same time… healing. You’re his safe space. He’s never needed anyone to save him- that’s not what you are. You’re not some savior swooping in to save their damsel in distress. Sure, maybe it would have been nice had there been someone there for him back when he was just a scared child who had just lost everything he’d ever loved. But he fought, tooth and nail, for what he has now. Clawed his way out of the bodies that littered his past and wiped the blood from his mouth in order to finally gain his freedom. He doesn’t need someone to save him. Doesn’t need someone to fix him. But he loves you because you’re there to hold his hand while he finds his way to the end of the tunnel.

Nowadays he feels more Kakavasha and less like Aventurine. It's a struggle, because he doesn’t know if he should be Kakavasha.

Kakavasha was the name of the coward scared boy who could only run when his sister told him to run. Kakavasha was the name of a boy who lost everything and it was his fault. Kakavasha was the name of a boy made slave who was only seen as a pretty face and a tool it was all he was good for. Kakavasha was the name of a boy who could do nothing to save anyone all because of this damned blessing curse favor. Kakavasha was the name of a failure.

But he also didn't know if he was allowed to be Kakavasha.

Kakavasha was also a child who was untainted by the greed of life.

Kakavasha was an innocent child who knew how to trust people.

Kakavasha was allowed to want and to have. Kakavasha was loved.

Could he ever be loved? Having done what he'd done? Been what he'd been? Been who he'd been?

Was he Aventurine? Or was he Kakavasha?

Who was he, really?

Back then it was so noisy. He just wanted to cover his ears to shut out the screams and the voices of the people who wanted to use him and the chants of those who wanted to kill him-

But now all the noise was inside and he couldn't just cover his ears. It wouldn't help. It wouldn't stop these thoughts from running rampant in his head.

Sometimes it felt like Kavasha was a lifetime ago, detached from Aventurine when his mask he always wore took hold of him again. Both a helper and a jailer. He couldn't stop himself from falling into old habits.

But sometimes Kakavasha was all he could be. Remembering what his sister's smile looked like and how his mother's lullabies sounded and how his father's hugs felt.

Remembering how those last hugs felt and those last goodbyes weren't supposed to come so soon.

Remembering what it felt like to be chained up like some unruly pet dog and what it felt like to kill a man.

Remembering what how it felt to bury his past and his name and his family and everything else he ever loved and become a new person.

Remembering what it felt like and what it took to become Aventurine.

With time, your encouragement and support, and some self reflection (and likely some therapy)... He slowly allows himself these things.

But it gets worse before it gets better.

He learned how to hate himself long before he had the notion that he could love himself.

He learned to love others before he learned to love himself.

He gives away all the love he cannot give himself. To you

(There's the projection help- THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE-)

With time he learns that he is not the sum of his actions. He can be loved. He IS loved.

You help him find what things researchers have managed to scrounge up from the remains of his people's home- from Sigonia. What they recorded even while they were still around. He sifts through painful memories to find the good ones. Remembers the once forgotten feeling of his people's language in his mouth. Teaches you all the curse words first just for fun but doesn't tell you what they actually mean. Gives you a nickname in that pretty mother tongue of his. Murmurs stories and sweet nothings in your ears while you fall asleep on his chest, the rumble of his voice and the beating of his heart lulling you to sleep.

You help him regain some of what he lost. You stayed and weathered the storm with him. You didn't leave and you made him realize with eyes wide open that you love him. That he's worthy of being loved by you. That being worthy was never even a question in the first place.

And he can never thank you enough for it.

His shoulder to lean on, his hand to hold, his ear to listen.

He is Kakavasha and he loves you.

#Roro writes #Aventurine #hsr Aventurine #aventurine x reader #hsr aventurine x reader #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x gn reader #hsr x gn reader #aventurine x gn reader

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perfeqt · 12 days

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All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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quotefeeling · 5 months

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All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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resqectable · 8 months

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All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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fieldofdaisiies · 1 year

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Azriel x Reader | Memento Mori

type: smut warning(s): explicit descriptions, this is filth, an dark, and a bit sinister word count: 3.3k words summary: As Grim Reaper Azriel is absolutely not amused to find out about a young healer, saving his already claimed souls from dying. He comes to find you, to have a word with you. He does not know what expects him. Once again thank you to @moonlightazriel for placing this thought in my mind <3

He comes for everyone — the rich, the poor, the strong, the weak, those who suffer, those who do not expect. He cuts your thread, you are his, his to claim. He will come for you at night, find you at day, curl his cold, scarred fingers around your trembling body, take you with him.

You are his from then on. He, whose name is unknown to mortals, goes on the hunt, every day, every hour, to find his victims, his new prey.

No pleading, no begging helps—he is merciless, ruthless, cruel, cold. And what he wants, he gets.

The echoes of his former claims, the pleas for just a day longer, one moment, another chance, hollow in the mind of the angel of Death, Azriel. He leaves his empire of claimed souls, long cloak gliding over the floor like a shadow, rustling on the ground.

One dark winter’s night his target is something new, something that makes his blood boil, his cold skin grow hot. Fueled by anger he is driven to the mortal lands once again.

You make his blood boil—a mortal who challenges Death, makes fun of him by saving people, saving them from death, bringing them back to life.

His balance is out of control and if there is one thing Azriel cannot stand then it is losing control. You make him lose control, and he doesn’t even know you in person yet. He does not know what will expect him when he lays eyes on you, when his soul for the first time in centuries starts glowing, yearning. His balance is shaken and that only through a mortal?

The knock of death against your door is soft, yet powerful. You don’t even have to ponder, having already expected the male hidden behind his shadows. Confident steps carry you to the door where you peek through a tiny hole in the wood. His face is veiled in shadows, his hat drawn, a dark cloak completing his appearance.

You draw in a deep breath, readying yourself for your very first encounter with Him—the Lord of Death. Azriel, born of shadow and darkness.

And then your own fingers curl around the cool handle, almost teasingly, like you’re a playing death once again, you open the door, your eyes lifting to the covered face, the male looming over you. His face is shielded, yet his eyes, the deep hazel, stand out—are a stark contrast to his appearance. They pierce right into your soul and you know that in this very moment Death knows what you have done in your life. Every good and every bad deed, it is all revealed to him.

Icy cold creeps into your skin, almost making it burn. You can see your breath, can feel your heart beat in your throat. It is true what they say, his biting grip starts when you make eye contact with him.

Your voice is a breathy whisper, in his ears the most erotic sound he has ever heard, when you say, “I was expecting you, Lord of Death.”

Azriel is not too fond of this feistiness. He does not like it when people are not scared, when they don’t run and beg. It makes his anger increase that your are so confident, so cocky, so feisty.

He is so very angry and all of a sudden thoughts of how he could punish you for that flood his mind. None of these things only partly scrape the thought of taking your life. He is beyond that. He wants to do other things to you, he wants you to beg for other things, plead and cry when he his moving inside of you. These thoughts that are so obscene and lewd, his cock strains against his tight pants, making an ache and longing appear that he has never felt before.

Another thing he hates because this is also what losing control feels like. His rising lust only fuels his anger, his desire making it so hard to breathe that his voice is ragged and raspy when the next words leave his mouth. “How dare you?”

Azriel takes a step closer, his jaw clenched, his eyes like burning flames.

“How dare you be so fearless in the eyes of Death? So reckless? I’ve known you are one of the bad kind, but you are even worse.” His voice is a cold, rough growl that has your insides clenching, your toes curling and you accept this challenge, inviting Death inside your home.

“You may enter, Lord of Death.” And with that you step back, allowing the cold and darkness to fill every little corner of your home.

You allow him your entrance? It feels like the greatest mockery he has ever experienced.

He sweeps in, his dark cloak moving over the ground like a wave of darkness. His presence immediately fills the interior of your little hut, power stretching out like a dark cloud, his cold curling around your spine. But it is his darkness that thrills you, that you want to consume you.

The male, so tall, looming over you, makes a sharp spin and pins you with his gaze. For a moment you find yourself unable to look away, to think, to breathe. All your attention goes to his piercing eyes, flames of hazel burning in them.

“Why are you not afraid, mortal?” The Lord of Death spits his questions like the words taste foul on his tongue. “Because I am not scared of a man whose only job is to claim those who have no choice, those who suffer, those who—“ The shadowy male cuts you off, hurdling towards you so quickly you have not seen it coming. The is a moment of taunting and teasing, you circle each other, until he cradles your face in his icy, scarred hand, glaring deep into your eyes, your soul.

“I am keeping balance. And I claim all of them. All of you. All mortals. The suffering, the happy ones, the kind ones, the bad ones.” He puts stress on bad, nearing your face, but before he can make any further move bindings snap up from the ground, curling around his wrists, by magic a chair moves forward, the bindings pull him down, restraining him.

You grin in triumph.

“You—“ he hisses. “How dare you defy me, mortal filth. Release me!”

Eyes aglow, Death scans your body with a predatory gaze.

“Release me!” His voice is louder than expected, the deep tenor hollering through your hut.

But you withstand the rising threat, the rising angst, slowly creeping into your body. You clamp it down. You withstand it—you withstand him. The corners of your lips curl upwards, you are at an advantage, you have him exactly where you want him. He will be the one begging, pleading…for your mercy. “As I said, I am not scared of Death. Having conquered him many times already.”

You add and extra sway to your hips when you waddle over to the male, grinning delightedly. “I am not afraid of you.”

And although this sentence is a mockery and he should feel angry and violent, his heart warms at that, his heart beating frantically. You are not afraid. You are not afraid of death. Of him.

Everyone has always been afraid of him. Not you. You are not scared—not even in his presence. It is this knowledge, this knowledge that no matter what he will do you won’t scare of him, that makes him want to lose control. That makes him feel alright with this loss of control. He wants to be submissive for you. He likes that you have taken control of this situation.

Azriel's head tips back an inch, his chest heaving when your scent of life, of night, of forest, fills his nostrils. You place a knee on the chair between his thighs, your hands moving to his shoulders.

This is the last push he needs to fully give into you, to fully give himself to you. You are not afraid to touch him. Everyone has always backed away from touching his icy surface, scared they might die right where they were.

Death has never had a lover, has never had any intimate encounters, but he knows exactly how he would take you that night, how he would worship you.

Azriel groans lowly, when intentionally or not your knee slides closer. He squeezes his eyes shut, releasing a shuddering breath. “Tell me what you want from me.”

Not a question, but a command that leaves room for interpretation.

Your hand brushes over his shoulders, the lapels of his cloak. You can feel his cold skin underneath, wanting nothing more than to let your palms glide over it. You have no idea what he does to you, why you want him so much. It feels like some primal need is finally awakened, yearning and longing filling every fiber of your body. Voluntarily or not your arch into him, nearly coming in contact with his chest. “I want you to stop claiming the lives of those who have done nothing in their life to deserve it. Who have not gotten a chance to live. Children, babies.”

“It is not my decision to make!”

That makes you angry and you grit your teeth, leaning closer. You grasp his hat from his head, tossing it away and fully revealing his stunning face. Cruel beauty.

“It is! Don’t you have a heart?” Azriel’s fingers curl towards his palms, stuck on the armrest of the chair.

“I do have a heart!” he spits and wants to add, that it is finally beating, beating for you and you only. Filling with warmth for the first time in centuries. Not the only body part that is filled with warmth. His cock throbs with need, a painful ache behind his all of a sudden so tight pants.

“It is to keep the balance. When the—“ “Fuck the balance. You take children away from their mothers, their fathers. Their hearts are ripped open without hope for repair.” Tears dwell in your eyes at the thought of your neighbour, losing her one year old. Fury burns it way through your body, your skin is on fire when your fingers curls around Azriel’s throat. He meets your gaze, nostrils flared, eyes ablaze.

“I was going to say that when the fates cut their life thread I am coming to claim them. It is not me who makes this decision. And it is never ever easy to take a child, just so you know. I might have thought you think that I find incredibly pleasure in taking children away from their parents.”

That…you haven’t known. “It is not you who…”

You lose yourself in your thoughts, your mind running wild. It is not him who cuts the life threads. He only comes to claim the people.

“I didn’t know.”

The corner of Azriel’s lips curls into an almost mocking smirk, his eyes darken when they seize in on your face. “Obviously.”

For a moment your gazes are locked, piercing into the others soul and for the first time this evening you care about what he might see inside your soul. His eyes do things to you. And you know one thing for sure: when it comes to this male there is not much seduction needed, he pins you with his gaze and you core starts throbbing with need.

But you won’t let him have this. You lean closer, so close your noses are almost touching. Your tongue poking out, licking over your dry lips, the shadowy male’s eyes cast down, following the movement. You know what your are doing. You know exactly what you are doing and that it is driving him mad. Death has truly lost control and that to a mortal. A mortal who tired to defy him, mock him, play him. But gods, does he like this.

“What is it that you want?” you ask, your voice a breathy whisper. Azriel knows that you want to know what he wants in life, what he would rather do instead of claiming those life. But in this very moment there is only one thing he can think of, only one thing he truly wants.

“I want you. I want you on my cock.”

Slight shock makes your body go rigid, your breathing ragged. You pull back sharply.

Astonishment fills every fiber of your body because you have expected a lot, but not this. Never this. You can smell his arousal, feel his desire stretch out but you would have never guessed he would ask for this, would use such vulgar wording.

Azriel must have noticed your surprise, his face turns grim, eyes losing their fire. He looks almost worried for a moment, his skin turning even colder.

You want to show him that this is exactly what you want. That you have been yearning for this since the moment he stepped into your house. You need him, need Death to consume you, claim you in another way he normally did with mortals.

You brush your thumb over his chin, eyes following the movement and suck your lower lip between your teeth. You lift your gaze to his, lips slightly parting when your hand moves to the ties of your dressing gown. Pulling on them, you manage to shrug your dressing gown of, leaving you just in a tiny slip, that accentuates your curves and nearly has the shadowy male panting.

“Beg.”

It is a whispered command that slips through your lips when you climb onto his lap, your thighs caging his. A wicked grin spreads over your lips, feral delight aglow in your eyes. Azriel’s mirrors this fire of desire, of pure, primal lust.

“And plead.”

You fully lower yourself to his hips, hands sliding over his shoulders, arms curling around his neck.

“Beg for me just like you love to hear people beg to you. Plead that I give you exactly what you want. What you,” —your lips are mere inches from his— “desire.”

Your chest heaves, brushing against his toned chest covered by the thin cloak he’s wearing. You feel how tense his muscles are and lean back, watching the tendons stand out on his neck, how tight his skin appears all of a sudden and how his eyes are blazed with lust.

You roll your hips, rubbing against him when Azriel leans forward and brushes his nose over your skin. You can feel his passion just as acute as your own.

You are playing with darkness, and Azriel, he would consume you. And this is all you want.

"Death and life have never been that close, have they?" His breath is a cold whisper along the side of your neck. The press of his hips against your own offers another proof of his desire, his erection hard against your softest parts. But he hasn’t given you an answer and you don’t like that. Hand coming up, your grab a fistful of hair at the nape of his neck.

“Beg,” you order, getting impatient.

“Please,” he hisses through gritted teeth. His nostrils flare, his heated gaze caressing your skin. And so you have Death begging for you. For your mercy. It is a sinister delight that comes alive inside of you, making you feel powerful, strong and ruthless.

“Please what?” You nip at his jaw, tasting his icy skin. This is a sin. The worst of all sins.

You grin when you hear him groan, his hips rubbing against yours. Although he loves your control over him, he decides that two can play this game. He also decides that, just for a moment longer, he lets you believe that these restraints could actually hold him, hold Death.

When his hardest parts press against your softest, so perfectly fitting, Azriel is rewarded with the breath catching in your throat.

“Please…kiss me, fuck me. Claim me. Make me yours.”

He breathing is ragged, chest heaving with sharp inhales. “I, Death, Destroyer of Lives, surrender to you. I am fully yours.”

You have planned on teasing him more, making him beg and plead more, but your restraint is shredded, that very moment. There is only one thing on your mind: need. You need him. On you. In you. All over you.

His surrender is your undoing, proof that Death is willing to give his all to you. He lets you have control and despite how twisted this situation seems, your heart warms at this thought.

One hand parting his cloak and sliding over the laces of his pants, you pull them open. His already rigid length springs free immediately and your mouth waters at his size, his thickness–he is beautiful.

Azriel must have noticed your slight hesitation because he says, “No worries, we both know you can handle this.”

You lift yourself up, hovering, fingers curling around his length to ease the tip into you. Something low in your belly clenches, your wet heat welcoming him. Azriel slides fully into your, a gasp parting both your lips when your bodies become flush with the other, merge, become one, come together. You take a short moment to adjust, to angle your hips and then you move.

“Yes,” Azriel pants. “Yes, that's it. Fuck, yes.” His voice, the deep tenor reverberating through you, has the hair on your body standing, your toes curling. You moan loudly, the stretch of your walls from his cock on the edge of painful. But it does not hurt, it feels good, better than anything you have ever felt before.

“I…have never felt like that. Nothing…nothing can compare to this.”

And although he is death, a cruel monster in the eyes of most, Azriel feels alive for the very first time. Having you bounce on his cock, makes all sinister parts of his life fill with light. All he has done in his life has been that way so he could meet you. Fate has brought him here, and he will stay. With you. You are his.

Driven by lust, Azriel’s tongue latches over your right nipple, the short nightgown having slipped down your chest. You grab his shoulders, head thrown back, riding him. You cry out in pleasure, a mix of curses slipping through your lips. Azriel feels himself getting closer, your sinful sounds his most favourite music from now on.

And he knows, at the back of his mind he knows, that he doesn’t hear them for the last time today. He will hear them a lot from now on. You have entered into something there is no escaping from. You have let Death enter your house, your body. You are bound to him–his forever. Because there is no one apart from you that accepts Death likes this. That sees him, sees him for more than he is believed and he will never let you go, no matter what.

“I want you to come with my name on your lips.”

You angle your hips, letting him hit that one damnable spot inside of you with every thrust. His name–unknown to mortals.

“Azriel.”

Azriel. The name hollows through your mind. It sounds so beautiful and he has told you his name. You are the first mortal to ever know of his name and this, even though it has been spoken and revealed in frenzy, does something to you. Your walls clench tighter around him, riding him harder.

A moan parts your lips, fingers gripping his hair tightly. “Azriel.”

It is a breathy whisper, and Azriel knows that this…his name on your lips is his end, the most erotic thing he has ever heard, his weakness. You are his weakness.

He rips through the bindings, loosening every restraint that has formerly holding him back. Azriel’s hips jerk up, his pants sliding down to his knees and before you can comprehend what is happening he has you pinned underneath him on the harsh wooden floor, pounding into you mercilessly, his large body covering yours. His hips slap against yours with deep, quick thrusts. The sounds are wet, your high-pitched moans and pants the only things that are louder.

And then you fall apart, Death is their to catch you, to hold you, guide you through your height. He follows right after, his hot release spurting of your walls, his hips meeting your with sloppy thrust. Azriel’s lips capture yours in another bruising kiss, he is not down yet.

Hours later, Azriel still hovers over your, damp strands of hair sticking toppling over his forehead.

“Come with me. Come to the Hewn City with me. Become my queen.”

It should have been a difficult decision, but it isn’t. There is only one correct answer.

“Yes.”

And so Death has found his queen. He sweeps you up, his cloak wrapping around him, taking you with him to the Hewn City, his territory where you will be granted immortality, where you will rule next to him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tags (crossed-out I couldn't tag) : @juulle987 @marimorena06 @danikasthings @younxii @nightcourtwritings @mrofontaine @lunalilyf @whor-3-crux @tired-all-the-time @anni-was-here @ummmmmwat @azbracadabra @j-pendragonx @hollyismentallyillhelp @famousbasementpainter @bsenpai @lena-davina @red-highlady @thesugatoyourtae @azrielsbabyg @aroseinvelaris @moony-thoughts @wrensical003 @cherryjain17 @moonfawnx @crushedcloudsx @devilsfoodcake22 @valeriedarkness @azrielscertifiedslut @mulansaucey @cynicalpotato95 @hanasakr @high-bi-andreadytocry @eerievixen @feyretopia @moonlightazriel @randomness-it-is @brekkershadowsinger @eliieee23 @girasoli-e-sorrisi @illyrianvalkyriecarynthian @kennedy-brooke @highladyofillyria @theworthlessqueen @marina468 @topaz125 @illyrian-dreamer @azriels-mate123

#azriel #azriel smut #azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #acotar #acosf #azriel x you

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firstlightinthemorning · 16 days

Text

ALL MY LIFE, MY HEART YEARNED

All my life, my heart has yearned

for a thing I cannot name.

(André Breton)

Photo: Man Ray - Meret Oppenheim Solarized, 1932.

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asunflowerana · 1 year

Text

𝒐𝒏𝒄𝒆 𝒖𝒑𝒐𝒏 𝒂 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆

what if: the players were part of a fairytale? (disney au)

with: reo, bachira, chigiri and rin.

n: my entry for @sugardaddyreo collab event "A Dream Is A Wish Your Makes" , thank you for this sweet collab darling, I had a lot of fun imagining bllk guys as Disney characters hehe 💕hope you all enjoy it!

ⅰ. 𝐂𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚, starring reo mikage.

“Well, there’s one thing: they can’t order me to stop dreaming.”

As the King's firstborn, Prince Reo must fulfill his several obligations to the kingdom, including his long-pending marriage. He is tired of so many greedsome proposals and empty-willed madams; he just wishes for a truthful and kind one to love, and to be loved equally in return. The prince finally finds what he's been longing for, someone who isn't seeking the coins inside his pockets, or the power attached to his title: only his heart. And he doesn't give care if the woman in question has no name or land. She has become his dream. And who would be the fool to prevent the prince from getting what he dreams for?

"You are the one I want." earnestly he professes, the words he wished he could say before you vanished through that starry night; leaving only a glass slipper for his memories to rely on. now that you're at his arm's reach, though, he won't let you leave in hurry again. ever again. "You're my wish that came true: the wish from my heart. Please, don't take it away from me because of void rumors or expectations." Holding your smooth hands to his gloved ones, he nears himself into your warmth, pressing your foreheads together while keeping his soft, but intense gaze on your eyes. " Just let me love you, utterly, tenderly. As I know you'll do to me

ⅱ. 𝐓𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐞𝐝, starring bachira meguru.

“I know not who you are, or how I came to find you, but may I just say … hi. How ya doin’? The name’s Meguru Bachira. How’s your day goin’, huh?”

Being an outlaw has its perks. Not that running away from guards and other crooks is anything fun, but the feeling of being free to go and do as he pleases it's too exciting. And lonely as well. Believe him, Bachira was all fine by himself, but the moment he ventured inside that tall tower and found you there — caught by you, to be more precise —, something changed inside him. He never had so much fun with someone as he has with you, the feisty, clueless, and dreamy girl who wanted to see the lanterns up close. The gold of your tiara doesn't fill his eyes with glint anymore; it is you, and only you who's now capable of doing it so easily.

"You're beautiful." He cannot help but profess, watching your features turning brighter with the lanterns around you. The most perfect sight in this whole world, he wanted to keep it engraved in his memory; keep you engraved in his heart as if this wasn't natural by now. Brushing a strand behind your ear, he stares at you in adoration, gently taking his time to trace every inch of your face. And in silence, you both enjoy the dream that came true.

ⅲ. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐌𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐢𝐝, starring hyoma chigiri.

"Where would we walk? Where would we run? If we could stay all day in the sun? Just you and me. And I could be, part of your world."

That's what he longed for. Ever since he was little, Chigiri yearns to know more of the surface. To feel the sand kissing his skin, to gaze at the blue day sky, to feel the warmth of the sun guiding his steps as he runs down the beach towards the unknown; to have legs. He just wanted to be part of this world, and maybe, just maybe, he could also stay by your side. The feeling of you fills his mind ever since he saved your life from that storm. And to know that you also wish for him, oh, how much he wants to just kiss his girl. And he's ready to do anything for that.

"Wait for me." He pleads lowly, watching as you wander around with your friends through the beach, unaware of the mermaid that admires you from afar, hidden in a heap of stones. His legs will soon be granted for him, as the sea witch promised in exchange for his voice. A careless decision, it might have been; but whatever happens, his dream will come true. He'll do whatever it takes for that. "I'm coming to you, my love."

ⅵ. 𝐌𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐧, starring itoshi rin.

"The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty."

Never, in his five years as a captain in the Chinese army, has Rin had to face such a bewildering challenge: having a girl among his men. He doesn't understand how he didn't notice it before, nor did his cadets, but being right or wrong, that defiant young woman is without a doubt the most talented and bravest warrior he has ever seen. And besides conquering the country's victory over the Huns, she won something else, something quite unbelievable to their teammates: the captain's once-cold heart. The one who once told her she didn't belong there, now bows in respect and fascination for China's savior, and princess.

"You have all of my gratitude." His tone is filled with acknowledgment and also a bit apologetic, for his past mistakes that he wishes nothing more but to fix them. He looks at you with pride in his eyes: pride for getting to know such an admirable woman. Pride of having the honor of fighting alongside her. Extending his hand for you to take, he coyly adds. " And my fondness, if you wish to have it."

reblogs and comments are deeply appreciated. 💕

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muvaginger · 3 months

Text

Satisfied

Painter!TengenUzuiXRoyalAFABReader

TW: 18+ Sexual Content, Biting, licking

You cannot recall the last time you felt like this.

A feeling so strong, so adamant, so…deep that you completely lose all sense of yourself. It’s always you. Whether it’s keeping the household afloat to satisfying the sexual needs of a man you barely know let alone like every fortnite while never coming remotely close to release yourself, it’s always…you. You are never the one being served, being cared for, being…satisfied. And at some point, you believed this was the way. That this life that you were practically groomed to live is the way. That is, before you met him. Yet now, you are. Hands binded by rose colored ribbon, ankles carefully shackled to the bed that belongs to neither of you and eyes covered with the same, you are entirely defenseless.

You never expected things to go this far. Heart beating loudly as this man that you have only spoken to in passing a few times gives you the much needed release you have been yearning for some time now. With confidence, rutting into your cervix with such force that if it weren’t for the booming thunderstorm people would hear your loud proclamations and obscenities. You were both sober enough to consent to such activities but drunk enough to not care of the noise one makes. He was ravaging you and not one soul could make you stop him otherwise.

“Your name. I n-never got your name” you say through hefty breaths. He slows his pace and smiles. Instead of telling you, he decided to suck and nibble on your right calf sending your head slamming backward. You begin to lose consciousness with every bite and thrust and before you could hear his answer, you pass out and orgasm all over.

Next morning, you out find yourself sprawled out bare in a room that you’re not familiar with. Body aching from the previous nights endeavors, you’re practically bed bound and unable to move much accept your head. When you find the strength to lift your head and upper torso high enough, you’re met with a body littered with bites and dark marks and a pair of eyes peaking through the door leading outside.

“Ah, you’re finally awake. I was afraid that I over did it.” He says while slowly walking into the room. Your face must of have been one of confusion and horror because the next thing that comes out of his mouth is that “you’re safe” and you don’t know why but you took his word for it. “May I come closer? I have breakfast for you” he says with a more gentler tone than before. You nod and then proceed to stare in wonder at the display of what you could say was the most appetizing meal you have ever seen. He chuckles at how adorable you look but soon comes to aid you in sitting up.

As you eat, he sits there in an awkward silence. Before you can speak up, he says “It’s Tengen. My name is Uzui Tengen. And I want you to be mine.” You stare at him as he says this. Utterly flabbergasted. Your eyes light up at the realization that the man who gave you the best you have ever had in your life was none other that the painter everyone has been raving about. “I’ll give you everything you can ever want and need and I’ll handle that old man of yours. All you have to say is yes.” You both look at each other, not sure on how you will respond. “Well, my lady. What will it be?”

Will you take his offer? Will you leave everything behind for something new? You do not know. You shuffle a bit and you can feel his hand gently being placed on yours. You look down and realize this was the first time you have felt this type of warmth. Before you can answer, the door is suddenly bursted open by one of his servants. A look of panic painted their face. He suddenly gets up and runs over to them, then before he goes says “I’ll be back shortly” then leaves.

Will you take his offer and finally be satisfied? Will you risk having to face the consequences of what may happen if you do?

#gingerspicelattemix #gingers backup account #muvaginger #tengen x reader #tengen uzui #Tengen imagines #kny tengen #demon slayer tengen #tengen x y/n #tengen smut #uzui tengen #uzui smut

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perfectfeelings · 5 months

Quote

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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perfectquote · 1 year

Quote

All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name.

André Breton, Mad Love

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landwriter · 2 years

Text

Unsent Letter from Dream of The Endless to one Hob Gadling, c. June 1889

ETA: Now on Ao3!

June 1 2 14 15 30, 1889

H- It may surprise you to hear that many in my life think me unfeeling after my outburst tonight last night earlier this month, but I am certain you will wish they were right by the end of this letter.

You are unusual. You act as though immune to each lie about myself that I first permitted, then took up as my own. Dispassionate, cold, terrible: I wove a mantle of them just to be better insulated from this world. I wear a story told by multitudes, and it is old and dark as the night itself. And in your company, it has become naught but tattered shreds.

I think you will tear me to shreds too if I do not do something about this. I can barely hold my tongue from offering my own ruin when you ask nothing of me. Even if I restrain myself, I know you to speak honestly of what you see, and you see me far too clearly. You will name the truths that I have banked like coals in my throat for centuries, and they will alight anew and choke me.

I would give you all my breath before you took it from me, Hob Gadling. I will write what I cannot bring myself to say beneath the heat of your regard.

You were right. I know everyone, and I know all the deeds and desires that populate their dreams. It thrums in my consciousness just as your heart beats in your chest. It is overwhelming. It is easier to pretend at not feeling at all, to make myself not feel, when I am surrounded by enough feeling that I wonder how it does not destroy me.

Lately, even this cacophony fades to nothing when I am with you, my own feelings roaring ever louder in my ears. I have not allowed myself to know your dreams for centuries now. I am craven. I instead imagine that I see clues on your face, and I hope.

I have never told you my name. I realized I could not, not when I want you to say it in more ways than you have offered. Could you ever speak my name as a lover would? Tell me you would whisper it in the dark. Tell me you would use it to undo me. Tell me you promise to speak it to me even once in tenderness, Hob, and I will give you my name and all else you ask.

You wished to know me as a friend. I cannot be one to you, because I am not lonely; I am starved. I want to taste the salt of your sweat and make it into a sea. I want to map the heft and set of your shoulders each decade, and make mountains of them in my realm, so that no version of you is forgotten. I want to know the feeling of your body beneath me as a soldier, merchant, lord, and scholar. I want to trace each new mark and scar, and whisper stories to them about the history of this land.

I am parchment covered in the ink of all dreaming things, and still I ache for you to stain me with your mouth and hands. Inscribe your regret and sorrow on my skin, so I can carry them with you. Trace your fantasies on my chest, so I can make them real. I have seen how restless your hands are whenever we meet, Hob. Tire them upon my body. Exhaust yourself in your use of me, and I will hold you in your sleep, and walk with you in your dreams.

You are one man who has lived as dozens. I once thought you dull because you did not hunger for stories like me. Now I have come to understand it is because you are yourself a story, ceaselessly retold. I see what changes. I see what remains. It is inevitable I should crave you as I have craved nobody else.

Will you tell me what you dream of?

I will await you at our accustomed time and place.

-x

first time contributing something to a fandom in my entire adult life, and I wouldn't have done it without first being bowled over by the beautiful physical letters of @wordsinhaled (go read them all under #regency epistolary dreamling) & and then seeing @rainbowvamp's life-ruining hob-yearns-for-dream letter; I read it, wondered what a dream-yearns-for-hob letter would look like, and lost all sensibility

#dreamling #letters #the sandman #hob gadling #dream of the endless #morpheus #the sandman fanfic #1889 #epistolary yearning forever #especially when you only see each other every century eh #my writing #dream x hob #hob x dream #centennial husbands

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sweetcarrotsandroses97 · 6 months

Text

Winter pt. 2 | JJK

Hello darlings!!!

Pairing: royal guard!Jungkook x princess!Reader, prince!Jimin x princess!Reader (ft. Yoongi & Hoseok)

Summary: In which you, princess of the Gyeongdong Dynasty, were in the middle of wedding plans. An arranged marriage that would guarantee your father's bloodline to stay on the throne.

Or in which you are assigned a new royal guard that swore to protect you with his life. Jeon Jungkook. That's his name. A name you could never forget. A name that, slowly but surely got engraved not only on your memories but also in your heart.

Love, politics, betrayal and desire. All in ancient history. A love that never should have happened, two souls that wouldn't be allowed to be together.

Warnings: angst, fluff, implied smut, pregnancy, descriptions of delivery, pregnancy complications, arranged marriage, blood, character death, heartache, yearning, forbidden love, more angst, Jimin is a sweetheart, heartbreak, fainting, heart disease, Jungkook writes poetry, funeral, mentions of reincarnation, ANGST (WARNINGS APPLY TO BOTH PARTS!) (Let me know if I missed anything!)

Word Count: 13, 152k words

A/N Hi, darlings! It's been so long since I posted Autumn for you guys and I am so terribly sorry for the months wait. I really hope you will like this third part of "Four Seasons"!

I've been working on this for months now but lately I've found new inspiration to finally finish this and trust me, it will be a total roller coaster! Thank you so much to the people who commented on the other two parts as they all gave me such motivation to return to this story!

A/N I had to divide Winter into two parts because apparently Tumblr doesn't like to have too much paragraphs in one post! The two parts of this long chapter are linked on the masterpost of this series! Please let me know what you thought of this part, I really hope you will like it and it leaves you yearning for more! Without entertaining you further, happy reading, everyone!

💜 Boraghae ARMY 💜

~Taglist for Four Season: @valhallawhispers @lovingkoalaface @seokout @ackercute @jksusawife

Isn't it beautiful how the seasons change?

Isn't it beautiful how you never do?

For you are that summer flower I once saw.

Dressed in delicate petals of love.

You are the snow that freezes my heart.

You are the soft breeze on an autumn day.

My sun during summer and my flower during spring.

But I cannot touch you. I cannot hold you like my soul wishes to do.

My darling. My love. My woman. My soul.

What did I do to not have you by my side?

Is love a crime?

Then I am a criminal, even when it was you who stole my heart.

I miss you. I want you. I need you.

I cannot breathe without you near me.

I prefer death than a fate where we can't be together.

My moon. My sun. My Queen. Owner of my being.

Jungkook jumped in his seat when the door to his room slid open. He placed his brush aside before standing up to face Hoseok.

"The Queen requests your presence in her chambers, Jungkook."

The younger man nodded and placed his papers in order before he left his room following Hoseok through the large corridors of the palace.

It has been three days since you gave birth to Prince Ha-joon. Three agonising days in which he hadn't seen a glimpse of your existence. And it was killing him. His memories of you were too far to grasp and take console in them.

Jungkook didn't recall having to walk all the way from his room to your personal chambers. He didn't remember when Hoseok announced his presence, for he was brought to reality when you spoke his name. Your voice being the only thing that could bring him back from his thoughts.

His eyes met your own in a dance of emotions that he had to clasp his hands in front of him to stop them from shaking.

"You called for me, Your Majesty."

He bowed down at you and you sighed, realising how much you hated when he bowed at you when you'd go on your knees with only a word falling from his lips. He had that power over you. That way to command you. To make you feel.

"Jungkook."

The man before you lifted his gaze and your eyes met his once more. Had it been within any other circumstances, you'd have smiled and ran toward him. How you wish you could embrace him, how you wish you could kiss him and declare your love for him. How you wish you could love him freely.

You were sitting between blankets and cushions, taking rest after the hard labour. The prince lied next to you as he slept soundly while being wrapped up in luxurious fabric.

"I haven't seen you in a while."

He smiled. Not that smile that reached his eyes or that warmed your insides. It made you shiver with the sadness within it. Like a cold breeze on a winter day.

"I was told you were to rest, my Queen. Captain Min ordered me to give you some space, at least until you are feeling better."

You smiled, gesturing for him to sit in front of you, which he did. A moment of silence passed between you both. Your gaze lingered on his handsome features, drawing a map of him in your mind.

"I missed you."

He sighed at your whispered confession. Those words clawed at his heart with nothing but a heavy guilt that existed within him.

"My Queen... please."

You took a deep breath at his pleading, his begging. You looked aside as your heart constricted in your chest.

"Forgive me."

He looked at you with eyes full of emotions you weren't quick enough to grasp. Why must love hurt so much? Jungkook shifted his gaze from your figure, focusing on the little bundle where the prince, your son, slept peacefully.

"Congratulations on your baby. May prince Ha-joon live a long and happy life with his family."

His words weren't cruel, you should have thanked him for his blessings but it only caused you bitterness. Because Jungkook wasn't a part of that family. You had made your life without him and that realisation sank within the caves of your soul in that moment.

All those times you had dreamed, wished, pleaded and imagined your future, Jungkook was always in the picture. He always stood next to you. But fate was a cruel force. That was only a dream. Your reality was different from what you had once wished and still desired deep in your heart.

A life with him. An opportunity to love. For him. For you. To love Jungkook.

"Thank you."

Those words left your lips in a soft whisper. Afraid of speaking any louder, afraid of facing reality once more. There existed enough pain in your life, you didn't want to add salt to the wound but it kept happening. Every time you saw Jungkook you were reminded of your love for him and that distant dream of the future you once saw yourself dancing in.

Life in the palace continued. The days passed, weeks turned into months, months turned into years as the seasons changed. Time was frozen while it escaped at the same time. It made you remember, it made you forget. It made Jungkook let go, it made him yearn.

He guarded you, protected you like he had vowed to. You smiled in your solitude, dreamed in your agony.

Petal of a yielding flower.

Host of my mind.

Lover of a taken heart.

Queen of my life.

I see my universe in your eyes.

Life is not fair,

but neither is death.

For I live in a world of lies.

I own you my smiles,

my tears are yours to be held.

And when I wish my time would end,

I remember what it was to love such beauty on this earth.

My sunrise. My light. My dusk. My night.

Cradle me in your embrace.

Let me live in your heart.

Grant this wish to this poor man.

Or end my life;

for in death shall I find peace from this cruel destiny.

Jungkook sat against a tree, watching you from afar. Your baby boy just turned two years old this summer. Now it was autumn. The leaves were dying, the air was cooler but his love for you still existed in his heart.

You were with Jimin, the both of you were in the garden playing with Ha-joon. Jungkook saw you smile and laugh from where he stood. The jealousy and bitterness he once felt toward the king had melted like ice on a summer day. His soul was filled with the remnants of his feelings. A melancholy lived inside him about the "what if's" of his life, of what had happened.

Jimin had taken some time from his busy schedule to spend it with his little family. He loved seeing you smile, he was happy at that moment. Everything was perfect. Everything was like he had once imagined it to be. His son was already walking around, a bit clumsy but he was too cute to not stare at the little prince.

Ha-joon had your eyes, he had his father's lips as well. He was a really cute combination of his parents who loved the little boy too much.

You watched as Jimin lifted Ha-joon before the both of them fell into a pile of dry leaves. You chuckled, crouching down on the ground after having been running around the place. You panted with a soft smile on your face, printing the image in front of you into your mind forever.

Your husband picked up the little boy in his arms before walking back to where you were. He offered you his hand and you took it as you stood up from the ground.

"Are you fairing, My Queen?"

He asked, a bit of concern behind his words. You nodded, brushing your skirt with delicate movements.

"Yes, I'm just tired of running all around the garden."

Jimin chuckled, looking down at Ha-joon who clung to his neck, also tired after playing for some time now.

"Let's get back then."

His hand grabbed yours as he began to lead you back to the small tent in the garden where a table with fruits and tea rested. It was near a large tree where Jungkook stood writing his poems with words carried by the wind. He saw how the king began to approach and put down his papers and brush before standing up.

He bowed when you and Jimin entered the tent. Your husband handed Ha-joon to one of the damsels with care and soft delicacy.

"Put him to sleep, he's tired."

The young woman nodded, taking the little prince from the king's hold before she left with your son in her arms. You sat down on the soft cushions with Jimin by your side, he poured you a cup of tea with elegance. Just like he had done many moons ago when he was only your fiance.

You thanked him with a soft smile, taking the cup as your fingers brushed his with the motion. Jungkook watched as you took a sip of the hot beverage, his eyes travelled down your profile, taking in how beautiful you looked at that exact moment. Not that you had ever looked ugly to his eyes, but in that precise fragment of time, you looked ethereal. Mesmerizingly beautiful. He didn't have enough words to describe your beauty at that moment.

Jimin was about to take a sip from his own cup of tea when Captain Yoongi came jogging toward the tent. He bowed down at you two before speaking, his voice laced with urgency.

"My king, may I have a quick word with you?"

Your husband sighed silently, putting his cup down on the table before standing up. He glanced down at you for a second only to then walk away with Yoongi by his side. You saw how they discussed something in the distance but you couldn't tell what it was as they were both out of earshot.

You let out a deep breath, putting your own cup next to Jimin's before you looked up at Jungkook.

"Do you want some tea, Jungkook?"

Your question brought him back to reality as he savoured the way his name sounded on your lips. It was the sweetest melody he had ever heard.

But he shook his head. Not allowed to show any emotion on his features.

"No, thank you, My Queen."

The response he gave you sounded dry and it made your heart clench with desire.

"Are you alright? You've been... distant as of lately."

He looked down at you but this time, you didn't see the storms of emotions hidden in his doe eyes. You didn't see anything. And it pained you to know that perhaps he didn't love you anymore. Because you still did. With all your heart.

"I am merely doing my job, Your Majesty."

You wanted so bad to reach up to him and hold his hand, to feel him. For him to ease your chaotic heart.

"Then don't. Please, Jungkook, do not distance yourself from me."

He sighed. It didn't matter how much distance he put between you both, if it were in words or even an ocean in the middle of you two. You always managed to pull him back.

"I have to, My Queen. Otherwise, I won't be able to resist the temptation. I could harm you. I could burn you with the flames of my love. I could destroy the life you have now. I could taint you with my carnal desires. I could do things... unforgivable things and the only wish I have in this life is for you to not be harmed. And for that to happen, I must put distance between us, even when my heart screams your name."

Your eyes filled with tears at his confession. At the revelation of his heart, his desires, his yearning for you. He still loved you, he still wanted you. He would always be yours.

"My heart is yours as well. Do not deny me the pleasure of existing next to you. Your existence is more than enough to soothe my wounded soul, Jungkook."

He bowed at you softly, eyes glazed with his own tears as emotions swirled once more in his dark orbs.

Jimin began walking back and you had to blink back the tears in your eyes. You distracted yourself with your cup of tea as he sat down next to you again.

"What happened? Captain Min looked serious while talking to you."

He smiled at you, eyes closing with the action before answering. His voice was soft and calm, like a summer breeze.

"Nothing to worry you about, Queen of my heart."

You sent him a tight smile, placing the cup on the table. Not feeling in the mood of drinking more tea.

"(y/n), you're bleeding."

Jimin said, causing Jungkook to look at you alarmed as you felt something trailing down your nose. You wiped it only to see that your fingers were painted in crimson. You wiped again and again but the blood continued to flow.

Your husband grabbed a soft handkerchief and pressed it to your nose.

"It's nothing. I probably ran too fast while playing in the garden.

But the king wasn't tranquil with your response. He felt something, as if words were whispered in his ear to not let it be unattended.

"I'll call for a physician."

Your hand grabbed his, something Jungkook didn't miss from where he stood. He watched your tangled hands with your marriage rings on your finger as you stopped your husband from getting up.

"I'm fine, Jimin. I promise. This has happened to me since I was a child. Don't worry, please."

That seemed to calm him down a bit as he settled back on his seat next to you. Holding his handkerchief below your nose as the bleeding began to stop gradually.

"Be careful, alright?"

You nodded at his words, your eyes shifted momentarily to Jungkook's wide gaze and you tried to reassure him as best as you could without a word leaving your lips.

The days were colder with the arrival of winter. Such beauty fell from the grey skies, a beauty that burns with ice.

Jungkook was reminded of your wedding day as he strolled down one of the corridors. The weather, such coldness invaded his mind, his thoughts, his heart; just like that day. When he witnessed you become the wife of another man. When he watched you lose your freedom and your life changed forever.

A feeling of melancholy suddenly invaded his heart, squeezing it with the cold claws of fate.

He took a turn, his mind lost in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the voices in the hallway. Jungkook felt how something suddenly crashed into his legs and he was quick to react and grab the hand of the little boy who was running absentmindedly. The little boy who was your son. The prince of the dynasty.

Ha-joon looked up and Jungkook saw his resemblance to you. He had your eyes. He smiled softly to the boy until Hoseok came jogging to where they stood.

"My prince, come on. Don't run away like that again."

Hoseok said, his eyes trained on the little prince who looked at him and then shifted his gaze back to Jungkook. The younger man let go of the kid's hand and Hoseok was quick to pick him up.

"He's a handful sometimes."

Jungkook chuckled, remembering those summer days when you walked in freedom through the gardens. He saw you in your son as memories swam in his hand.

"I can imagine. Kids at his age are always curious and full of energy."

Hoseok let out a soft laugh, looking at Ha-joon in his arms and also seeing the resemblance of you in him.

"Thanks, Jungkook. He suddenly ran away from me."

"It's no problem. Take care of him, Hoseok."

The older man nodded before he turned around and walked back down the corridor.

"Kook!"

The little prince exclaimed with a wide smile, his lips were plump like his father's and his cheeks puffed out cutely with the motion. Jungkook smiled and waved at the prince who waved back with his little hand before disappearing around the corner in the arms of Hoseok.

He sighed. Once more being left alone with his cold thoughts on a winter day. With frozen hopes and a blurred future.

You were in your room watching how the snowflakes fell slowly to the gardens. Your embroidery was left forgotten on your lap as your mind got lost in your memories.

A knock in your door interrupted your train of thought. You cleared your throat and straightened your posture before saying in a steady voice.

"Come in"

The door slid open and Hoseok entered with Ha-joon in his arms. You smiled at the sight of your child and your best friend set the toddler down as he ran clumsily towards you.

"Mummy!"

You hugged the little prince when he crashed into you and you couldn't help the laugh that escaped you. He was too cute to resist. He began playing with your embroidery as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, tracing his little fingers over the drawings.

"My Queen, the little prince is very eager to explore the palace. Do you want to take him to the gardens and let him play in the snow? Maybe that'd tire him out a bit so that he can sleep soundly tonight."

Your hand caressed your son's dark hair, taking in its softness before you turned your focus back to Hoseok.

"I'm tired, Hobi. I don't think I'd be able to run around in the gardens."

He nodded, eyes shifting to Ha-joon whose world now rotated around your elegant embroidery.

"Do you allow me to speak freely, Your Majesty?"

You nodded at him.

"Of course, I've told you many times that you do not need to ask for such a thing. You are my best friend."

He smiled lovingly.

"Those words are simple formalities, my Queen, but what I wanted to say was that maybe you could accompany us to the gardens. Have some fresh air. I can play with the little prince, but he misses his mother."

You smiled, looking down at Ha-joon who returned your gaze with big eyes.

"Alright then, hand me my coat please and tell one of the damsels to dress the prince warmly."

You stood under the palace roof, a heavy coat over your shoulders as you sipped on some hot tea while watching Hoseok play in the snow with little Ha-joon. A soft smile graced your lips at the sight and the sound of your little boy's giggles.

A shiver ran down your spine when a cold breeze blew your way, strands of hair flying with the wind. Hobi let himself fall on the snow with a dramatic yell, making you laugh as Ha-joon went to lay on his chest.

"Up, up."

The prince said, trying to get Hoseok to stand up and pick him up but the man layed there panting softly.

"I'm tired, my prince. Hold on."

You watched them both fondly, your eyes lowered to the tea in your cup until you felt how your heart skipped a beat.

"Kook!"

Ha-joon had said. Your hands felt cold against the warm cup, your soul froze when you looked up. There he was. Jeon Jungkook. You hadn't seen him in days. And before today there were only small peaks here and there followed by short greetings.

Jungkook turned to look at you, your eyes met his from across the garden. You felt your breath hitch in your throat at the mere sight of him. Your hands trembled around the cup, forcing you to put it away.

He bowed down at you slowly yet his eyes never left yours. Emotions invaded your body as you stood up from your chair. Hoseok noticed your actions and sat up, Ha-joon left his side and ran with his little legs where Jungkook was.

Your royal guard smiled down at your son and Hoseok stood up from the ground, walking the steps to where you stood.

"Your Majesty, are you alright? You look pale, should I walk you to your chambers?"

But you shook your head, your eyes following Jungkook's figure as he approached you with Ha-joon by his side. The little prince was telling him something that you couldn't hear and he smiled widely. Flashed him that bunny smile you loved so much and had missed just as fiercely.

Jungkook bowed down at you once he stood in front of you. Ha-joon looked up at the man next to him and mimicked his actions. Your heart clenched at the sight. Having the man you loved and your child who was your husband's son before you was too much for your heart.

It clenched inside you, it burned, it ached.

"Your Majesty."

Jungkook acknowledged you. You nodded softly at him and he rose to his full height. Ha-joon doing the same.

"Kook! Play, together."

Hoseok watched the interaction from where he stood. His own heart clenched at the sight of your hidden pain. You have always been an open book for your best friend. You had been able to hide your love from your father, even from your husband but not from Hoseok. He had known you for his entire life. He knew you, he knew the core of your heart. He knew your unspoken words. He knew.

"Only if the queen allows it, my prince."

Jungkook's eyes found yours once more. A sad smile painted his lips. Ha-joon was a clear resemblance of you but also of his father and Jungkook was reminded once more of what he had lost the day you married Jimin. Of that dream that he wished would become his reality was instead a mountain of ashes. Of burnt dreams and wishes.

You smiled tightly at the pair in front of you, not wanting to deny sweet Ha-joon of his free days and innocent happiness.

"You may play, but please be careful."

Jungkook bowed down and your little son once more mimicked him with a sweet giggle that would have made you smile had you been in another circumstance. Ha-joon's small hand curled around Jungkook's fingers as he "dragged" him further into the garden. The man clearly gives in to the desires of the child. Not without glancing your way one more time.

You took a deep breath when they were both far away from you. As if you were suddenly able to breathe when he was not near you but playing in the snow as the giggles of your prince were heard. You blinked back the tears that had gathered in your eyes, you wouldn't cry now. It was not the time for that.

"My Queen, please take a seat."

You refused Hoseok's suggestion with a shake of your head. Even if you wanted to move, you couldn't tear your gaze away from Jungkook and Ha-joon playing together.

If only fate had been different.

If only you hadn't been a princess.

If only your story was written with another ending.

Then the scene before you would have been a happy one. But Jungkook was not the father of your child and you didn't want to question your fate with Jimin. It wouldn't be fair to him when he loves you just as ardently as you love Jungkook.

Time slipped from your fingers like water from a river. Cold to the touch. Liquid to the memory. You watched them play and laugh while your heart teared apart within you.

Soft footsteps were heard from your left but you didn't shift your gaze from your giggling little prince.

"My Queen,"

The voice of one of your damsels spoke and you didn't have to look at her to know she was bowing down at you.

"His Majesty requests your presence in the Main Hall."

You took a deep breath, the cold air of winter burned your lungs with the motion but despite the action, you still felt as if you were being suffocated.

"Queen (y/n)."

Your eyes met the worried gazed of Hoseok as uncertainty painted his dark orbs.

"It's alright, take care of Ha-joon for me."

Hoseok bowed down at you as you straightened up your posture and looked at Ha-joon and Jungkook for a moment before you forced yourself to walk away. You weren't aware of the concerned look your best friend gave you nor the longing gaze Jungkook sent your way.

He watched you walk away and despite all the times he had witnessed the same sight, his heart still clenched upon seeing you leaving him behind.

You didn't look back. You couldn't. Your heart wouldn't be able to take it. Each step you took forward hurt like an arrow piercing your heart over and over again. You closed your eyes, taking in the pain in your chest.

Fate gave you the cruellest gift you had ever received. A glimpse of your dream life only to be shattered by reality like ice against a wall. It hurt. Your hands trembled even when you clasped them in front of you to keep them warm. It was useless.

You lived in an eternal winter. Your heart was frozen, your soul had crumbled to a pile of white snow tainted with the ashes of your dreams. It was fair. But life has never been fair to you. To anyone, actually.

But you weren't a victim here. Not anymore. If fate didn't want you and Jungkook together, you'd fight in each and every lifetime to meet with him again and complete your story next to him. You owned it to him, to his love, his devotion. His innocent heart that carried the purest love within him.

Tears clouded your vision and a lump grew in your throat. You weren't a victim, but that didn't mean you couldn't cry about your misfortunes.

The tears began rolling down your cheeks, feeling how your heart ached for a man who would never be yours and a future you couldn't live.

You had to cover your mouth to quiet the sobs that threatened to spill from your lips. For it had been too much for your soul to endure. You had gotten to your breaking point, the point of no-return. It hurt. The mere thought of Jungkook was enough to make your heart clench in your chest.

You took a deep breath, tried to calm yourself as you walked down the large corridors. Your hands wiped your cheeks but the lump in your throat stayed, the pain in your chest didn't fade. Almost as if it had found its home within you.

You were about to meet your husband in the main hall of the royal palace. You couldn't be seen crying and less for another man you yearned so fiercely for. You were the Queen. Mother of the Crown Prince. Wife to the King of Gyeongdong. Daughter of the dynasty.

You had to be strong.

You could cry in private later. But not now. It wasn't your place to do so. A Queen doesn't cry. A Queen is strong. A Queen fights. You sighed, taking strength from your own aching heart to continue walking, to face your reality. To live in this written fate.

Even when your mind was elsewhere, even when your hands trembled and your feet itched to turn back and run into the arms of your lover. Even when your chest didn't stop hurting, you held on. Just like every other time before.

You just held on.

The king sat on his throne, the ministers had just left the large room after their council and he had a deep desire to see his wife. Jimin let out a sigh, his mind going back in the seasons, remembering. Going back in time in his mind.

He remembered your wedding day, he remembered the cool autumn day when he saw you for the first time. He had heard the princess was beautiful but no words were enough to describe your beauty in front of him.

The sound of your voice was forever engraved in his memories, your smile was sweeter than any candy in the world. He had fallen in love with you. He loved you, all of you. There was nothing in this world he wanted more than to spend his life with you. His queen. The mother of his child. The owner of his heart.

Maybe he loved too quickly. Maybe he trusted too soon. But he didn't regret it. Jimin was happy. He was living the life that was planned for him since birth yet he was happy with the fate painted before him. He wanted it. He craved it.

"You're wearing it."

Jimin's voice brought you out of your thoughts. Looking up at him with a confused look, he elaborated while a chuckle escaped his lips.

"The hairpin. You are wearing it. I'm glad you like it."

You nodded at him with a small smile.

"It's really beautiful."

You weren't going to lie about that. It was truly one of the best jewellery pieces you'd ever seen. The Prince's cheeks tinted a soft shade of pink, a shy smile over his lips. He stopped out of a sudden and you halted in your steps. Looking up at him with curiosity, Jimin grabbed one of your hands between his and said while his eyes were glued to your joined hands.

"I'll speak without formalities for once as this is something I need you to know not as a Prince but as your fiancé."

You nodded and he continued.

"(y/n)..."

Your name in his lips was sweet, said with such delicacy and devotion. A sweetness similar to your favourite fruit.

"... I'm so glad it is you who I am going to marry. After we get married and the coronation ceremony is completed, I want you to know that you will always be my equal as the Queen of Gyeongdong. I know we were arranged but I sincerely hope we can grow something from this.

You will always be treated fairly, I promise. And I'm so lucky to have such a beautiful fianceé."

You couldn't help the smile that graced your lips. It was a grateful smile. You knew he wouldn't force you to do anything, he would always respect you and give you your place. The Prince of the Park family was a good man with a noble soul; a gentleman who was going to become a great ruler.

"Thank you, Jimin. I really appreciate that."

He smiled. His eyes closed with the action and you couldn't help but think it was cute. He had a pretty smile, you had to admit that.

The memory flashed in front of his eyes in a second. You still wore that hairpin he had given you. You liked it, he had watched you admire it and it fueled his pride as your husband.

“What are you all doing standing here? Don´t you know she could get sick with this?”

Growled the prince at a nearby royal guard who cowered at the imposing tone of the man. Jimin was seen among the palace staff as a sweet and loving personality who was made to receive and give love in each of his lifetimes. That’s why the guard felt suddenly so intimidated as the prince had never acted nor spoken in such a way.

“We are aware, Your Royal Highness. But the Princess ordered us to not interfere. She said she'll kneel until the counsellor's son is safe. There was no way of persuading her!”

Jimin cursed under his breath as his feet carried him towards you. He didn’t care about the rain, about the stares of the maids and staff, he didn’t care about anything else other than you.

You were kneeling on the cold stone floor. The palace was in front of you in all its glory but you could only care about your best friend. Why was life so complicated? When has your life tangled itself up with these kinds of problems?

Why did summer end so suddenly?

Your tears rolled down your cheeks, mixing with the pouring rain that fell from the greying skies. A chilly breeze made a shiver run up your spine but you weren’t going to leave. You weren’t going to surrender that easily so you stood firmly, ignoring the pain in your knees, ignoring the coldness in your skin. Ignoring the sadness in your heart and not minding the tears that escaped your eyes.

But suddenly, you didn’t feel the rain any longer. The chilly air didn’t attack your back any more and you had to look up to find the source of such a blessing only to be met by the profile of the Prince of the Park family, he was looking forward not seeming to mind the cold rain that was quick to drench him. His right arm extended his outer robe over you, keeping the rain from cooling you any further.

He looked down, feeling your gaze on him only to be met with your drenched figure. Your eyes were red and puffy, filled with tears. And he felt his heart clench at the sight of your pain. If he was able to take it away he would do it in a heartbeat. You didn’t deserve such a burden. Such pain.

And he made a silent promise to himself that once you both got married, he would move mountains for him to see you smile.

You deserved it, after all.

Everyone deserves happiness. Even you, the beautiful Princess everyone thought had it all but in the end, you were just lonely. Broken by the mends of society.

Jimin took a deep breath, memories of you began to flash in front of his eyes like raindrops. Unstoppable. He felt a sudden need to see you, be with you, hear your voice. So he stood up from his throne and walked out of the main hall in hopes of meeting you in one of the main corridors.

Urgency carried his steps, feeling a darkness enclose his heart in cold ice of desperation. He needed to see you. Jimin didn't know why such urgency had taken control of him but he couldn't fight it. He walked and rounded a corner, seeing you standing on the other end.

He smiled.

A window was behind you, the white gardens stood in the background as he took in the image of you. You just stood there, not even looking at him but lost in your mind. At least that was what he saw, he began to approach you.

He saw you frown and he halted in his steps for a second. But that second dictated his fate once more as he submerged in a cold river, surrounded by water of fear that froze his bones.

Your hand went up to your chest as you pressed onto it. You gasped, feeling how your heart ached within you. But this time it was worse, worse than the subtle pain you felt there every time your thoughts drifted to Jungkook and that lost future living in the land of dreams. This pain was different.

Your hand clutched the silk of your dress as you took a step forward, your other hand grabbing a table resting against the wall with a vase on it to try and find your balance once more.

You heard footsteps from your right and you turned only to see Jimin walking down to where you stood with worry on his face. Tears gathered in your eyes due to the pain.

"Jimin..."

He could barely hear his whispered name leave your lips before he saw you take a step towards him but you tumbled, hitting the table and making the vase fall and crash against the wooden floor as you collapsed before him.

He rushed to you in panic as fear wrapped around his heart. Jimin cradled you in his arms as he checked for a pulse, tears gathered in his eyes at the sight of you but he couldn't help but sigh upon noticing you were still alive.

"My darling... (y/n), open your eyes. Please..."

Yoongi was rounding the corner when he gasped at the image in front of him. He was quick to approach the desperate king with fast steps.

"Your Majesty, what happened? Is she alright?"

Jimin didn't turn to look at the slightly older man, one of his hands caressed your face delicately, as if you were a soft summer flower.

"I don't know, call the physician. I'll take her to my quarters."

Your husband felt his heart clench at the sight of you so vulnerable and weak in his hold. Captain Min bowed down at the king before he stood up and ran in the opposite direction.

Jimin picked you up in his arms, blinking back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes as he held you tightly against him. The scene he had just witnessed was something he'd never forget, for it had been horrible to see you in what he could guess was pain. He hated to see you like that and now, as you were being cradled in his embrace, a fire burned within him.

Flames of fear combined with fuel of anger at your state. He pressed an almost harsh kiss against your temple, murmuring in your hair words only meant for you to hear.

"Hold on, My Queen. You'll be alright. I promise."

Jimin laid next to you, supporting your body in his strong hold. The royal physician was examining you. He could feel his heart squeezing in his chest. Worry fueled his soul and fear set it aflame.

Time tickled by slowly, everything was moving too slow. Everything felt too hollow. Everything was colourless. The royal physician held her breath as she took your pulse. The room stilled. No-one dared to move, let alone breathe.

She let out a sigh and retrieved her touch from your soft skin. Jimin looked up in anxiety. Waiting, expecting, needing to know what the elderly woman had to say.

"What is it? Is she alright? Speak, woman!"

She didn't flinch at the king's desperate tone as she kept her gaze low while clasping her hands in her lap.

"Your Majesty... it's a heart disease. I think the Queen has always had it but since her rather difficult birth... it came alive, so to speak."

Jimin didn't know what to say, his soul ached at the sight of you in his arms as endless possibilities came rushing to his mind like lightning during a storm.

"Can you cure her?"

He already knew the answer to that question. A hand of his came to caress your cheek softly while tears gathered in his brown eyes that gazed lovingly down at you. He knew the answer to his own question yet your husband held onto that last sliver of hope his soul refused to let go.

"I can give her something for the pain, My King."

Was the physician's answer. Her voice delicate, words being carefully selected.

"Yes, but can you cure her?"

Her eyes met the intense gaze of the king as he turned to look at the woman dressed in a blue hanbok. A tear escaped his eye as it rolled down his cheek slowly while his heart was beating wildly in his ribcage.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty."

If someone had stabbed him with a thousand arrows Jimin was sure would have hurt less than those four words that left the woman's lips. He cradled you against him, pressing your limp form to him as if he could prevent the horrid fate that awaited you from taking you from his side.

"Leave. I want to be alone."

The royal physician stood up and bowed down at the broken man along with the maids and guards in the room at the whispered command of their king.

The door slid shut and silence drowned the room. He was left alone with you but this wasn't a joyous moment. Jimin lied you down on the bedding beneath you as tears rolled down his cheeks. His hand held yours with a delicate touch as his eyes roamed over your figure.

"You cannot leave me, (y/n). You can't. You belong here, with me, with Ha-joon. You cannot leave me alone."

But those words didn't reach your ears. You didn't hear his begging, his pleading. And he only held you tighter. Wishing that this was just a sick nightmare of his.

"Please... Queen of my heart. Do not leave us behind."

One of Jimin's hands fisted the soft fabric of your dress, needing to ground his thoughts, to be in the present and stop his mind from picturing all the horrible scenarios in his head.

"Do not abandon me in a world without you by my side."

Fate was cruel. Jimin loved you but now you were going to be robbed from him. He didn't know when, he didn't know how much time he had left with you, he didn't know how much pain you'd have to endure. He didn't know he'd have so little time next to you and that fact pained him beyond words.

"I need you, Queen of mine. I love you."

Words weren't enough to change fate. He knew it. He knew everything yet he still tried. He pleaded to the heavens to not take you, to not rob you in such a cruel way.

"I love you, (y/n)."

But love wasn't enough to save you from death. Love wasn't strong enough to keep you next to your husband. To watch your son grow into a fine prince that would rule the kingdom one day. Love wasn't enough. It had never been.

Jimin knew that but he still cried. He still pleaded, he still hoped.

Snow fell wildly outside, the wind could be heard when you opened your eyes and found yourself in Jimin's room, rather than your own. You had been resting in his bedroom for some days now, not really sure how many.

Hoseok was by your side the next second as he helped you sit up, he didn't speak a word and your heart shook within you at the sight of your distressed friend. You watched as he prepared your medicine, silence fell into the room as the candles flickered in the middle of the night.

"Please take your medicine, My Queen."

He spoke, holding the spook with the tonic you had been taking for so long, it seemed.

"Don't make me take it again, Hobi. It's too sour."

He sighed, eyes lowering onto his lap but still holding out the spoon to you.

"Please, Your Majesty. It'll help you get better."

You took a deep breath as you leaned forward and opened your mouth, taking the medicine like your friend wanted you too. Even when you shut your eyes shut and scrunched your nose at the taste, you managed to swallow it.

"I won't get better, Hobi. You know it too."

You weren't a stranger to your disease, Jimin told you himself about your predicament. You remember how your heart broke at the sight of his distress, his eyes were red and puffy, shining with new tears that he refused to let go. His hands shook as they held yours.

Hoseok sighed and the soft noise brought you out of your thoughts. He put the spoon and bottle aside as his eyes locked with your own and you were able to see the sorrow in his usually cheerful gaze.

"I know. I'm sorry, My Queen."

Your hand rested atop his as a soft yet sad smile was painted over your lips.

"Don't apologise. Don't be sad. Don't cry. Why don't you bring me some fish-shaped pastries and you tell me what Ha-joon did today?"

He nodded with a smile that didn't reach his eyes before standing up without saying a word. Hoseok walked down the corridors back to the king's chamber where you were resting with a round container in his hands where the pastries rested. He couldn't help but let his mind wander back to those summer days when you were still a princess and your worries revolved around what silk to choose for your next dress.

He wanted to go back to those golden days when the sun shone brightly and warmth filled the palace.

"Princess!"

You turned around at the sound of the voice of one of your closest people in the palace. The royal counsellor's son and a dear friend of yours, Jung Hoseok.

When he arrived next to you a smile was painted over his lips, he bowed down at you making you frown a bit.

"Stop it, I've told you many times before that you don't have to bow in front of me."

He chuckled, his hands behind his back as he straightened back up.

"Yes, I have. There are so many guards and court ladies that could see and that wouldn't be good for me, princess."

You sighed at his answer. He had said it time and time again but you just wanted to have a normal friendship, was that too much to ask? Maybe it was. At least for now.

"I'm sorry, you are right. I wouldn't want you to get in trouble because of me."

Hoseok smiled and that made a small smile paint over your own lips. That was a power only he had, he would smile and it would make you smile too.

"It's alright, I can be sneaky when I want. Especially to the kitchen. They never knew when I was there."

That made you let out a snort before laughing completely. Forgetting about proper manners or who could be watching you at that moment, you just lived that fragment of time. Enjoy it how it should be enjoyed.

"Speaking of..."

He continued, bringing his hands in front of him only for you to notice the small package covered with white fabric. You smiled widely at him.

"...I managed to sneak out some fish-shaped pastries."

You let out a squeal while Hoseok unwrapped the package and opened the lid for you to see he had bought your favourite dessert.

"Thank you, Hobi! I've been craving this since last week!"

With that, you took one and immediately began eating it, savouring the sweet flavour inside your mouth as you closed your eyes for a moment.

"Why didn't you just order for the maids to bring some pastries to your room, your highness?"

You sighed, swallowing the sweet treat only for then to say, your joyous face turning slightly sombre when the bubble of happiness was suddenly popped with reality.

"I am not allowed to eat anything like this, at least not until my wedding day. King's orders."

Hoseok's eyes widened in surprise at your words. Panic flared through his features as he came to the sudden realisation that he was disobeying the king's direct order. He looked around frantically, searching for people nearby that had witnessed him giving you the pastries while you continued to munch on another bite of the sweet treat.

The next thing he did, however, made your eyes widen as the remainder of the fish-shaped sweet was taken from your hand rather abruptly only for Hoseok to throw it in his mouth at the end. It all happened too fast you were left staring at your best with a dumbfounded face.

"Yah! Why did you d-"

You cut your sentence when you spotted one of the court ladies followed by a group of maids appearing in your peripheral vision. You quickly straightened your back while Hoseok hid the package he was holding behind his back, swallowing the remains of the pastry he took from your hands.

The court lady bowed when she stood in front of you, the other maids mirroring her actions. When she stood back up, she said, her voice cold and her attitude as strict as always.

"My Lady, His Majesty; The King, has requested your presence at the main hall."

You curtsided softly, a soft smile on your face.

"Thank you, I shall go there immediately."

And with that, you turned around and began walking along the large gardens with Hobi following you at a proper distance. When you rounded a corner and were out of the court lady's sight, you sighed. Hoseok caught up to you and you smiled at him.

"Thanks, Hobi."

Those whispered words made him smile, he looked back before saying.

"I should probably go back, I'll see you later, princess."

You nodded at him with a soft smile over your beautiful features and he bowed slightly at you only for then to fast-walk to the opposite direction from where you stood. You were left alone again and took a deep breath before you continued on your way to the throne room where your presence was requested.

The memory flashed in front of his eyes in an instant. His heart filled with melancholy at the lost memory in the past before he slid open the bedroom door and found you asleep on the bedding.

Hoseok sighed, putting the pastries aside as he went to blow away some of the candles to let you sleep peacefully.

If only he could take away your pain, your disease, he would. For he remembered how you saved him from death when he was falsely accused of treason, he remembered your desperation. Hoseok was your best and only friend in the palace and he only wished he could repay the favour of saving his life with now saving your own, even if he knew that was not possible.

"The Queen hasn't left the King's chambers for a while."

"I wonder if she's alright."

"I've seen the royal physician go in and out a couple of times."

Jungkook had heard this and more rumours around the palace. He wasn't going to lie, he was worried about you. He hasn't seen you since that day when he was playing with the little prince in the white gardens.

Maybe she's pregnant again.

That was his main thought and final conclusion. Not wanting to ponder on the idea that much to save himself the heartache. He entered the guard's palace, going straight to his room. Dusk had already settled and the night was cold.

"Yah! Jungkook! Do you know what happened to Her Majesty?"

He stopped in his tracks and turned around, seeing a bunch of younger guards eating some ramen in the corner of the common hall.

"What do you mean?"

He asked. A frown adorning his handsome features. One of the guards stood up from the small table and walked over to Jungkook.

"Do you know why the Queen has not been seen around anymore? Rumours said she is pregnant again."

Jungkook looked past him at the bundle of men gathered in silence to listen to what he had to say.

"Why would I know? I've been taking care of His Highness as of lately."

The man in front of him scoffed, looking back at his peers before glancing back at Jungkook.

"Aren't you the Queen's royal guard? Shouldn't you be with her at all times?"

Jungkook sighed, feeling his patience leave his body quickly. He turned around, waving a hand to the man who wished to pester him with his questions.

"I don't have time for this."

"Why? Are you the prince's babysitter now?"

Jungkook closed his eyes, wanting to disappear from that exact second.

"What's going on here?"

Captain Min's voice boomed around the common room, making everyone go silent, even the men who were only watching and snickering in the corners.

"Nothing, Captain."

"Nothing."

Jungkook and the man in front of him answered at the same time. Yoongi sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Go back to your table, Kwon. Jeon, come with me."

The latter nodded, sending a final glare to the man whose surname was now to his knowledge. Yoongi dragged Jungkook to another room with more privacy. He turned around, eyes softening at the sight of his friend.

"What is it?"

Yoongi's question was delicate, a soft tone only certain people had heard of the stoic man.

"I haven't seen her in days, Yoongi. I don't know what is going on and it's killing me on the inside."

The older man let out a sigh, pondering if he should tell Jungkook about your condition or if that information would only stress him further.

"You know, don't you?"

Yoongi looked up only to meet Jungkook's big and sad eyes.

"Yes. But I do not know if you should be aware of her situation or if it will cause you more harm."

Jungkook's heart constricted in his chest with those words. A part of him didn't want to know. He didn't want to risk the heartache, so many possibilities swarmed his head that it made him dizzy.

"Tell me. Please."

He whispered and Yoongi sighed once more. He knew of Jungkook's innocent yet strong feelings for you and he'd hate to break his precious heart but his wish was his right.

"She's sick, Jungkook. The physician examined her a couple of days ago and she said the Queen was born with a weak heart and her long labour worsened her condition. She said there was no cure."

A tear escaped his eye slowly, his heart ached deep within him at the information. You were sick? If you had had it since birth, why weren't you more careful? But all those thoughts did nothing to alleviate his pain.

"I'm sorry, Kook."

Said Yoongi with a heavy voice. In sympathy for his friend for he knew this kind of pain. He was no stranger to heartache. He understood.

"Would you like me to stay or do you want to be alone?"

"I want to be alone, hyung."

His response was empty. Colourless. Cold. Yoongi nodded without saying another word. He quietly walked out of the room and closed the door behind him.

Jungkook closed his eyes as silent tears rolled down his cheeks. He took it all in. The pain. The heartache. The distress. The despair. He welcomed it all and allowed himself to cry in his solitude as snow fell from the sky on a cold winter night with no apparent morning sun to warm his soul.

A couple of days later you were still in Jimin's room. Hoseok was playing with Ha-joon as you watched them fondly. You didn't have the energy to stand anymore. The disease was deteriorating you, killing you. A part of you believed it was due to the heartache you had gone through that now you were being punished with a heart disease.

How ironic, isn't it?"

Ha-joon laughed, distracting you from your sombre thoughts. You looked at your son, watching as he laughed and enjoyed his time. The little prince hadn't seen you for weeks since you fell sick and he missed you immensely.

"My prince, come here."

You spoke, opening your arms for the little boy. His eyes lit up as he left his toys on the ground and ran towards you. The impact of his little body against yours was enough to leave you breathless.

Hoseok watched as you embraced your son with pain, as if he were to leave and you didn't want to let go.

"I love you so much, you know that, right?"

Ha-joon nodded in your chest before he gazed up at you with a cute smile. You smiled as well, trying to blink the tears that began to moisture your eyes.

"You'll be a worthy Crown Prince one day and the most respected king of Gyeongdong when you grow up. I love you so much, my little prince."

"Mummy..."

Ha-joon put his little hand on your cheeks, lovingly gazing into your eyes as your heart broke into a million pieces realising you weren't going to see him grow and become a great man. Your time in this place was slipping through your fingers like water in your hands.

"I love you too, mummy."

You hugged Ha-joon as your eyes met with Hoseok's sad gaze. He offered you a smile and you did your best to return the gesture, even when your heart was aching, from the disease or from your own pain you couldn't tell anymore.

It had always been a similar pain.

Always there, always cold. Always present in your life.

That night was cold. Hoseok had taken Ha-joon to his own room and verified he was sleeping before returning to tend to you. Jimin hadn't arrived yet as he was busy tending to some ministers and political matters you were no longer aware of.

"The prince fell asleep quickly, Your Majesty. I left Eun-ah to watch him during the night."

You nodded with a smile. Feeling your eyes drop with tiredness. You were already settled for the night, ready to close your eyes and sleep even when your exhaustion wouldn't leave your body.

"Thank you, Hobi. You should go and rest too, you look tired."

For he did. His skin was paler than usual and bags rested under his eyes. You could see it and it pained you to see your best friend so tired and sad all the time.

But he shook his head, a melancholic feeling swam in his warm eyes as he looked at you.

"I would like to wait until His Majesty is with you, My Queen. I do not wish for you to be alone."

Your hand rested over his and he turned to look at you meeting your eyes filled with tears.

"Hobi... what would I do without you?"

He only smiled, not saying a word. Not wanting to break the soft moment so you continued.

"Thank you for being my friend all these years. Thank you for always being by my side and for giving me your friendship."

A tear left his eye and rolled down his honeyed skin at your words. Realising that this was your goodbye to him.

"Please take care of Ha-joon for me. He is really fond of you, Hobi."

He nodded, feeling how his emotions choked him. It pained him to even think of you leaving his side. You, his best friend. His only companion, his princess since childhood.

"I promise, sweet Queen of mine."

You smiled at his whispered promise, squeezing his hand softly. The door slipped open and entered your husband. Hoseok let go of your hand as he stood up in a swift movement. He bowed down at the king before he left the bedroom in silence.

"How are you feeling, Queen of my heart?"

Jimin asked as he knelt in front of you. You smiled. Feeling how your heart ached in the cage that was your body.

"I'm fine, my King."

He knew you were lying. He knew your words weren't true to your reality. He knew it all. He knew you. But he chose to not mind your lies for he didn't know how much time he'd be gifted by your side. He smiled, allowing his hand to cradle the side of your face as he looked at you with pure adoration in his dark eyes.

"Say it. Let me hear my name on your lips. Grant me that wish, grant me that honour."

You swallowed, knowing how much your condition was killing your sweet husband from the inside.

"King of my existence. My Jimin. My sweet husband."

He smiled sadly. His hand left your cheek and took your hand instead, feeling how you gripped weakly onto it.

"I love you, (y/n)."

You could only smile fondly at his declaration of love. His eyes twinkled at your reaction.

"Do you also share my sentiment?"

He asked almost shyly, looking down at his hand that covered yours.

"Of course. How couldn't I?"

Jimin's eyes met yours as he smiled. His gesture was priceless for your words of affirmation was the only thing he cherished to hear, the only melody he wished to always remember and a verse of a poem that would never end.

"Didn't you have an important meeting with some ministers?"

Your voice broke the silence that hung in the room. You sat facing a large mirror, staring at your own reflection while Jimin was behind you brushing your hair with a golden comb. Your back rested against his chest, your hair rested over your shoulder as he brushed it with delicacy.

"I have more important things to attend to right now. Do not bother yourself with such thoughts, Queen of my heart."

You blushed softly at his words, looking down at your hands resting on your lap. It wasn't snowing outside but the room was cold, shivers ran through your body from time to time despite the closeness of your husband and the many blankets around you two.

"Jimin, can you promise me something?"

He didn't allow the frown that threatened to appear between his brows mark his soft features. He nodded, eyes searching your own through the mirror despite you having your gaze down.

"I'd give you the moon and stars in a golden tray if they were mine to possess in the first place."

You smiled softly, hating to break his heart with your next words. Hating your own fate and feeling your heart constrict within you at the mere thought of his pain the next moment you were to speak.

“Please don’t lose your smile after I’m gone.”

His eyes lost their spark. The softness in his features disappeared like a burning flame splashed with the water of reality. Your hand grabbed his and at his silence, you continued.

“Tell Ha-joon that his mother loved him so much.”

Tears gathered in your husband’s eyes, his mind realising this was your goodbye to him but his heart refused to believe his time with you was this short. He didn’t accept that he’d have to let go this sudden.

“And live every day as if it's your last.”

The crystalline pearls of sadness rolled down his cheeks, his hands squeezed yours as his eyes locked with your own.

“I’ll find you in my next lifetime, Queen of my heart.”

Jimin brought your hand up to his lips, pressing a soft kiss against your skin. As if wanting to seal his love with that small gesture.

“Thank you, Jimin. For your love and your respect. Don’t lose your spark, don’t cry those precious tears and allow your heart to heal if I broke it without wanting to. Forgive me.”

He sobbed, not wanting to let go of your hand as if that could prevent you from leaving his side. The sound of his sobs and cries shattered your heart and tears of your own began leaking down your cheeks in silence while you witnessed him mourn your fate.

"There's nothing to forgive. I could never be mad at you, not even if you were to kill me with your own hands."

His hands pressed you against him. Needing to feel you close to him. Needing this moment, this memory to be engraved in mis mind and soul so that he could seek solace in it when his heart cried in the darkness.

You closed your eyes, leaning back against your husband who cried his heart out, whose world was going to be taken away from him. You mourned his sadness while your heart broke at the thought of leaving your little family behind. Leaving your life, your love in a cruel world.

The apple of my eyes.

Woman of my heart.

Enchantress of love.

Mistress of my soul.

The days are longer.

I miss you. I need you.

My love gets stronger.

I cry over my solitude.

Did we ever have a chance?

Do I deserve the happiness you bring to this world?

Am I worthy of your hand?

Am I enough to a jewel like you?

Do I deserve your devotion?

Is it cruel of me to want you?

Ever so fiercely. So fully.

My darling. My Queen. My lover. My everything.

Live in my heart forever.

Stick in my mind to eternity.

Don't leave this man to suffer with your absence.

Don't leave me to burn in my own ashes.

A sudden knock on his door made Jungkook break out of his trance, he put the brush down and stood up as the door slid open and he was met with Hoseok. His eyes were casted down, not meeting the soft gaze of the royal guard.

“Jungkook, the Queen requests your presence in His Majesty’s chambers.”

The younger man’s heart sped up at the thought of seeing you. He hadn’t been able to even get a glimpse of you since that day in the gardens. His soul was desperate to see you, his heart screamed at him to go and search for you. It was torture, to separate two lovers, that is.

Jungkook nodded, not missing the way Hoseok’s demeanour was different. He looked sad, worried. Cold. He wished he could ask him what was wrong but feared he’d be overstepping a line with the slightly older male who was a dear friend of yours.

"Thank you, I'll go there immediately."

Hoseok nodded with a soft movement before he stepped out of the room. Jungkook sighed, arranging his papers correctly before heading out the door.

His feet carried him along the large and cold corridors of the palace. His heart was in his throat as nerves bubbled in his stomach.

Jungkook was a brave soldier. He has fought many battles as scars adorned his body. He has been on the verge of death several times before but ironically, right now was when he felt more nervous than when he was holding a sword in his hand.

He took a deep breath, standing in front of the King's chambers. He hesitated for a second, not knowing what he'd hear from your lips at the other side of that door. He didn't know how he would react after not having seen you in so many days he has already lost count of.

He knocked only to hear your command for him to come in. Your voice was soft, weak even. But that didn't matter when butterflies erupted in his stomach at the mere sweet sound of your voice.

Jungkook entered the room the next second, he slid the door closed behind him while he kept his eyes trained on the dark wood below his feet.

"Jungkook."

His name coming from your lips was the sweetest melody he has ever heard. He had missed it. He had missed you. His eyes locked with yours and he nearly gasped at the sight of you laying on the soft bedding, your skin was paler than usual, your eyes were tired and your body was beyond weakened.

"Your Majesty."

He acknowledged you. Bowing softly at you without tearing his gaze from you. He saw you shift in your position, laying on your left side so you could see him properly. You smiled and in an instant his dark world was lightened by your existence.

"Come closer, Jungkook. Come here."

Your hand extended towards him as if trying to reach him. He couldn't hold himself back any longer upon your innocent request as his legs moved with a mind of their own. Nearly jumping until he was kneeling by your side, his hand holding yours ever so softly.

“I heard… I heard that you are sick, my Queen. Is it true?”

Jungkook asked almost shyly. Not meeting your eyes as his own gaze was fixed on your joined hands.

“It is.”

He sighed at your response. Feeling how his heart clenched within him. Tears watered his dark eyes and a lump grew in your throat at the sight of his sadness.

“Don’t cry, Jungkook. Don’t waste your tears over me.”

He looked up at you, his expression hurt with your words. A frown was between his brows, eyes watered with his materialised sadness and a soul that he could no longer carry on his own.

“How can you say that to me? I am dying with you, my Queen. Only you are capable of causing me the greatest pain yet it is you who eradicates it as well.”

You squeezed his hand, feeling your chest aching. Your mind was shutting down as you gazed at the man you loved with your entire being.

“Forgive me.”

He shook his head, refusing to let his tears roll down his cheeks as his eyes roamed over your face as if trying to memorise all your little details in his mind.

“It is I who should beg for forgiveness. I cannot protect you from this, I have failed you. I cannot prevent you from leaving me.”

A tear left the corner of your eye as you looked at him with so many unsaid things and raging emotions you were never able to pour out. It was too much. Too much love. Too much longing. Too much sadness. Too much anger. Your heart couldn’t take it any more.

“Maybe you can’t make me stay, but you gave me the opportunity of knowing what it was to love. Even when we couldn’t be together in the end, I still love you. I will always love you, Jungkook. In each… in each lifetime.”

Both of his hands squeezed your own, feeling your grip on them weaken by the second. What kind of punishment is this? To love you so fiercely, so wholeheartedly only to be snatched from him like this? What did he do in his past life to deserve such pain, such misfortune, such punishment?

Is love a crime?

“You still wear it, huh?”

He asked, sniffling softly while his eyes locked with the small red braided bracelet he had given you that autumn day. When life was kinder. When it wasn’t as cold as winter. When he still held hope for happiness. When life was simpler...

“I never took it off.”

You whispered, smiling up at him as your eyes traced his features.

“I love you, Jungkook.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks, not being able to stop them any longer. He smiled through his tears, needing to say the words back to you.

“And I love you, (y/n). I’ll love you in every lifetime, in every form, in any timeline. I will always love you.”

You chuckled softly, squeezing his hand with all the strength you had left in your body.

“You’ve said it. Thank you.”

He smiled down at you. Remembering how you once pleaded to him to speak your name, to hear it come from his lips. He could no longer deny you such pleasure. He wished he had said it that time.

“I’ll see you again. I’ll see you in my next lifetime.”

Jungkook nodded, taking a deep breath while not being able to look away from you. He wouldn’t dare to.

“I’ll find you. I promise.”

You smiled. Butterflies erupted in your stomach when he lifted your hand and pressed a kiss to the back of your hand. Your eyes closed as you relished on the feeling of his lips against your skin.

“I love you, my Queen.”

That was the last thing you heard before darkness fully enveloped you. The smile from your lips disappeared as your hand fell limp in Jungkook’s grasp. He sobbed, pressing your hand against his cheek only to feel your skin already cooling down. His other hand caressed your cheek with delicacy, his lips trembled and his tears couldn’t stop from leaving his waterline.

A pain in his chest settled forever. Dying would have been more merciful than living like this. Jungkook lived in an eternal winter. The coldness was taking everything from him. Freezing his heart, leaving his memories covered with frost. Everything was cold. Your hand, his heart, his life. Everything was cold. That was the only thing he could feel. Only the coldness of his reality was covered in a deep and thick layer of white snow; the colour of sorrow. The colour of nothing.

All in an eternal winter of pain with no spring in sight. His hopes died with you, he had died with you. Only his heart was still beating. But death had claimed him as well, cursed him with the coldness of sorrow and a lost love for eternity.

The funeral was held three days later. Ministers and people from the village were all mourning their Queen. They all dressed in white robes, standing in the large palace gardens as they knelt on the cold ground.

The king walked in the middle of the golden path with Ha-joon by his side. His small hand in his own as the both of them walked toward where your casket was. Some of the people were crying, others were praying as they all shared the king’s sorrow.

Hoseok, Yoongi, Jungkook and your father were guarding your casket, waiting for your husband to arrive and complete the ceremony. Their hearts were heavy, the skies were grey as little snowflakes fell down from the thick clouds.

Ha-joon ran to where Hoseok stood, burning his face in his robes as he began to cry silently. Jimin’s heart clenched at the sight of his son mourning the death of his mother. He placed a red rose in between your hands, accommodating your red bracelet on your wrist. He had seen you wear it everyday so it should stay with you in your final resting place. He turned to look at the people, his face cold, missing your warmth next to him. He could no longer cry, his tears were gone only leaving a deep hole in his heart.

“Let’s give the Queen the goodbye she deserves.”

Jimin spoke to his people who all rose to their feet. Yoongi and Jungkook along with two more guards began carrying your casket made of crystal with golden details down the palace entrance. A tear rolled down Jungkook’s cheek when he spotted the bracelet he made for you still attached to your wrist.

The king was walking in front of them while Hoseok walked with Ha-joon behind them. The slightly older man was crying silently while holding your son’s hand in his.

“I miss mummy.”

Jungkook closed his eyes at the prince’s words. Hoseok sighed and picked the child up in his arms, hugging him to his chest while continuing to walk down the frozen path.

“We all do, my prince. We all do.”

That night, Jimin found solace in the darkness of his room. He sighed at the empty feeling of the place he once shared with you. Ha-joon was sleeping in his bedding, neither of them wanting to be alone after your passing. A lone tear left his eyes, rolling down his cheek slowly.

He looked to where Ha-joon was sleeping soundly and let out a deep sigh. Jimin knew facing this new reality was going to be tough for him as a husband who lost his wife and for Ha-joon who lost his mother while the kingdom lost their Queen.

He felt his heart freeze with the remnants of your love. No other woman would ever be in your place while he lived. No other woman would ever sit next to him in the throne and Ha-joon won’t call another woman “mother”. He couldn’t betray you like that. He couldn’t discard his love for you that easily.

Winter settled in his heart, frost covered his heart and memories. There were no more summer days and spring was never going to arrive in Jimin. For he was also cursed by the coldness of sorrow forever.

The moon rose high in the sky that night, being the only source of light for Jungkook as he left the palace grounds in silence. He didn’t look back. He couldn’t. He was going to leave that place of golden memories for they were now shattered in fragments of ice. You were no longer there to warm his days in the palace. You were no longer there to smile at him from a distance. Your absence killed him. Froze him.

His footsteps got covered by the snow falling from the skies, his silhouette was soon lost to the eye as he walked among the snow and the darkness of the night.

I’ll find you, I promise.

His own words resonated in his mind. With each step he took, he felt how another layer of ice covered his heart. No other woman would ever enter his heart for he was sealing it with the chains of his sorrow.

No-one ever saw Jungkook after that night. Some people said he went to a little village to live between his solitude and his poems. Others said he married a woman with great semblance to the late Queen. Others said he died, either by his own hand or by a heart disease.

No-one exactly knew what happened to First Officer Jeon Jungkook after the Queen’s funeral. Not even Yoongi, who found his friend’s room empty the next morning. Everything was placed neatly and only a single sheet of paper laid on his wooden desk with a poem written on it.

Yoongi folded the paper and put it in his pocket, feeling loneliness creep up into his heart at Jungkook’s leaving. Yet his friend’s heartache was stronger, he had to leave and Yoongi understood. He knew he’d never see Jungkook again so he could only wish him luck in whatever he may venture in next. His love poem was kept in his possession for all his life. Reading it from time to time and feeling Jungkook’s pain through the only thing he left behind, his words. His heart poured out on a sheet of paper.

You have poisoned me with your love.

Like a drug.

An addiction only you can control.

And now you are gone, taking my life with your own.

I am dead in ever sense of the word,

yet my heart still beats inside me.

What kind of punishment is this?

I prefer a thousand times to die by your hand than to live a life without you by my side.

You exist now only in my memories.

My most precious treasure.

My love will be known through centuries;

because meeting you was my biggest pleasure.

Queen of mine,

wait for me in your next life.

Maybe you had left this world

but you still live in my heart.

Forever shall I remember you,

may this letter be a proof of my devotion to you.

Sultana of my mind.

Owner of my heart.

Lover of mine.

October/28/2023

~Masterpost

**I do NOT give my consent for this or any of my works to be posted or translated into any other platforms or languages.

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