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lord-squiggletits · 2 months

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I think the key component to my personal reading of post-Delphi Pharma is that he's trying to be a horrible person on purpose. Not "on purpose" in the way that people have free will to exercise their own choices, but in that Pharma's "mad doctor" persona is a performance he puts on to deliberately embrace how much everyone else hates him. Basically, if people already think you're a "bad Autobot" and a horrible doctor who just kills his patients for fun, why try to prove otherwise to people who have already made up their minds about you? Just fully embrace the fact that people see you as an asshole. Don't try to change their minds. Don't plead for their forgiveness or understanding. Just stop caring. If you're going to be remembered as a monster, you might as well be a memorable monster, and eke as much pleasure and hedonism as you can out of it before karma catches up to you and you inevitably crash and burn.

I mean, I guess you could just go the route of "Oh, Pharma was always a fucked up creepy guy and Delphi was just him taking the mask off," but I really don't like that interpretation because, for one, it feels really wrong to take a character like Pharma becoming evil under duress and going, "Oh well clearly he did the things he did because he was evil all along," as if somehow Pharma breaking under blackmail/torture/threat of horrible death was a sign of him having poor moral character. As opposed to, you know, suffering under the very real threat of horrible death for himself and everyone he cares about while being manipulated by a guy who specializes in psychological torture.

The second reason is that it just doesn't make sense to write Pharma as having been evil all along. I mean...

Occam's Razor says that the best argument is the one with the simplest explanation. Doesn't it make way more sense to take Pharma's appearances in flashbacks, his friendship with Ratchet, his stunning medical accomplishments, and the few we see of him speaking kindly/sympathetically (or in the least charitable interpretation, at least professionally) towards his patients and conclude "This guy was just a normal person, if exceptionally talented." Taking all of these flashback appearances at face value and assuming Pharma was being genuine/honest is a way simpler and more logical explanation than trying to argue that Pharma for the past 4 million years was just faking being a good doctor/person. I mean, it's possible within the realm of headcanon, but the fact is Pharma's appearances in the story are so brief that there simply wasn't room in the story for there to be some sort of secret conspiracy/hidden manipulation behind why Pharma acted the way he did in the past.

I just can't help but look at things like Pharma's friendship with Ratchet (himself a good person and usually a fine judge of character) and the fact that even post-Delphi, pretty much every single mention of Pharma comes with some mention of "He was a good doctor for most of his life" or "He was making major headways in research [before he started killing patients]" which implies that even the Autobots themselves see Pharma's villainy as a recent turn in his life compared to how for "most of his life" he "used to be" a good doctor.

And although Pharma doesn't know this, we as the readers (and even other characters like Rung) know about Aequitas technology and the fact that it actually works, so... if Pharma really was an unrepentant murderer, why couldn't he get through the forcefield too? The Aequitas forcefield doesn't require that a person be completely morally pure and free of wrongdoing or else how could Tyrest get through, just that they feel a sense of inner peace and lack feelings of guilt. Pharma has murdered and tortured people by this point, and put on quite a campy and theatrical show of how much he sees it as a fun game, so why then can he not get through?

It circles back to my headcanon at the start of this post that the "mad doctor" persona is just that-- a persona. Delphi/post-Delphi Pharma's laughing madman personality is just so far removed from every flashback we saw of him and everything we can infer based on how other people see/saw him before that, to me, the mad doctor act is (at least in large part, if not fully) a persona that Pharma puts on to put his villainy in the forefront.

To avoid an overly simplistic/ableist take, I don't think Tarn tortured Pharma into turning crazy. To me, it's more like the constant pressure of death by horrific torture, the feeling of martyrdom as Pharma kept secret that he was the only one standing between Delphi and annihilation, the physical isolation of Messatine as well as the emotional separation from Ratchet, being forced to violate his medical oaths (pretty much the only thing Pharma's entire life has been about), etc. All of that combined traumatized Pharma to the point that the only way he could avoid cracking was to just stop caring about all of it. Because at least then, even if he's still murdering patients to save Delphi from a group of sadistic freaks, Pharma doesn't have to feel guilty and sick about doing it. As opposed to the alternatives, which were probably either going off the deep end and killing himself to escape, or confessing to what he did and getting jailed for it.

In that light, Pharma becoming a mad doctor makes sense. It avoids the bad writing tropes of "oh this character who was good his entire life was actually just evil and really good at hiding it" as well as "oh he got tortured and went crazy that's why he's so random and silly and killing people, he's crazy" and instead frames Pharma's evil as something he was forced into, to the point where in order to avoid a full psychological breakdown and keep defending Delphi, he just had to stop caring about the sanctity of life or about what other people might think of him.

Then, of course, the actual Delphi episode happens, and Pharma's own lifelong best friend Ratchet basically spits in his face and sees him as nothing more than a crazy murderer who went rogue from being a good Autobot. Then Pharma gets his hands cut off and left to die on Messatine. At that point, Pharma has not only been mentally/emotionally broken into losing his feelings of compassion, he's received the message loud and clear: He is alone. Everyone hates him. Not even his own best friend likes him any more. No one even cared enough about him to check if he actually died or not. He will only ever be remembered as a doctor who went insane and killed his patients.

So in the light of 1. Having all of your redeeming qualities be squeezed out of you one by one for the sake of survival and 2. Having your reputation and all of your positive relationships be destroyed and 3. People only know/care about you as "that doctor who became evil and killed his patients" rather than the millions of years of good service that came before.

What else is there to do but internalize the fact that you'll forever be seen as a monster and a freak, and embrace it? People already see you as a murderer for that blackmail deal you did, so why not become an actual murderer and just start killing people on a whim? People already see you as an irredeemable monster who puts a stain on the Autobot name, so why beg for their forgiveness when you could just shun them back? You've already become a murderer, a traitor, and a horrible doctor, so what's a few more evil acts added to the pile? It's not like anyone will ever forgive you or love you ever again.

Why care? Why try to hold on to your principles of compassion, kindness, medical ethics, when an entire lifetime of being a good person did nothing to save you from blackmail and then abandonment? Why put yourself through the emotional agony of feeling lonely, guilty, miserable, when you could just... stop caring, and not hurt any more?

#squiggposting #pharma apologism #i'm sure the doylist reason for the writing is just that pharma was a designated villain #so since he's a villain and 'crazy' it's fine for everyone even the good guys to treat him like complete trash #i just think from a watsonian perspective taking a sympathetic approach is way more interesting and logically consistent #what i mean is like. from a meta perspective one of the best ways to show that a character is super evil and not worth saving #is when even the good guy heroes. the ones who are supposed to be kind and compassionate and wise. see him as dirt #and this is also kind of a necessity in most plots bc TF is the kind of series that just needs action villains and long-term antagonists #so not every villain is written or has a plot to be made redeemable. and pharma is one of these bc he's not important or a legacy character #so from a doylist (meta) perspective you could read the autobots' disregard of pharma as a sign of #'this guy is not meant to have your sympathy as a reader. pay no attention to him'#but from a watsonian (in universe) perspective it paints a miserable picture of pharma being utterly forsaken by the ppl he served alongsid #and like yeah i'm super autistic about pharma so of course i view him with sympathy but like #the idea of being a loyal and good person for years only to be subjected to a Torment Nexus of #being blackmailed into breaking all of the oaths you held sacred. under threat of you and all your comrades dying horrible torturous deaths #then when your comrades find out about it they focus solely on the 'harvesting organs' and not on the 'blackmail' part #and then you get literally left for dead by your comrades and best friend hating your guts #and then you get rescued by a guy who uses you as a test subject for his evil machine #this is a fucking nightmare scenario like pharma could hardly be suffering more if the author TRIED to make him suffer #and for me it's like. the evil pharma did can't be decontextualized to what drove him to that. as well as the question of like #how easily ppl can write someone off as evil and turn a blind eye to (or even find satisfaction in) their suffering bc theyre evil #and either brought it on themselves or it's just karma paying a visit #like. i feel like if pharma WERE a shitty doctor and a terrible person his whole life then the delphi situation would feel like karma #but the way it's written and the lore retroactively put in makes it feel more pharma getting thrown in a torture carousel #and THEN becoming evil. but then being treated as if he was always evil or was some sort of bad apple #bc like i'm not opposed to LOLing when a villain gets a karmic torture/death related to the wrongs they committed #but in pharma's case it feels less like karma and more like endless torture + being abandoned by ppl who should have been more loyal

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punkeropercyjackson · 3 months

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Luke/gods stans often say Percy would have a daddy kink and want a dom because of his 'd*ddy issues'(hate that phrase but bare with me)but i feel like you guys are forgetting they can manifest in the opposite direction.I mean we are talking about the guy who acts more like Nico and Hazel's dad than Hades ever has so y'know i'm just saying,it's not like it's baseless

#BESTIES.IF YOU'RE NOT A PERCY FUCKER DON'T CLICK ON THIS YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO I'M /srs KDJSJDJDGDHFHG #percy jackson x reader #percy jackson smut #team dad percy jackson #team parent percy jackson #black percy #latino percy #autistic percy jackson #punk!percy #transfem percy jackson #bigender percy jackson #lemon #💌#summerposting #ALSO THIS IS MEANT TO BE FUNNY PLEASE #percy jackson x black!reader

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lazywerebat · 6 months

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dwayne who would give his old shirts && hoodies to his trans boyfriend, later seeing one of his old fav hoodies is mentioned boyfriends dysphoria hoodie && new fav hoodie to wear almost every day.

dwayne would literally feel his undead heart melt && fall more in love with his beloved boyfriend <3:

#korvin saying stuff #DWAYNES ALSO GIVING THEM TO HIM CAUSE THAT BOY HAS SENSORY ISSUES CAUSED BY HIS AUTISM #DWAYNE'S AUTISTIC IDGAF WHAT Y'ALL SAY ++he has bpd too :3 #the lost boys #the lost boys 1987 #tlb #tlb 1987 #lost boys #the lost boys dwayne #lost boys dwayne #ftm reader #ftm t4t #x ftm reader #t4t #trans male y/n #x trans male reader #trans male reader #the lost boys dwayne x trans male reader #lost boys dwayne x ftm reader

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cuethediscoandthedrinks · 1 year

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some random ronal headcanons~

for u starved ronal bitches; Oel ngati kameie 🤭

• is a big eye-roller; she seems like more of a starer but the energy is that if something goes down, ronal's rolling her eyes and letting out a little 'tssk'

• smiles, but rarely. she'll hum in approval and give a half-smile usually, but if something genuinely makes her happy, she'll full-on eye smile; like, crow's feet, widened grin, apple cheeks, eyebrows scrunched up in happiness

• likes the feeling of sand in between her toes; often goes for walks in the middle of the night, big bright blue eyes taking in the star-littered sky, as she takes steady steps through the damp sand

• gives little slaps to her partner. like, if they say something especially silly, brash or funny (or all 3), ronal's definitely one for using the back of her hand to lightly *thwap!* your head or arm. all in jest of course, as she's equally very big on personal space

• ronal's a clan-leader, so the concept of her personal bubble is especially important to her; therefore she'd never disrespect others by invading their area (although this definitely means she'll go all out on hissing, snarling and hand gestures to intimidate others if necessary)

• is a night owl. stays up late every night, usually to complete any tasks or spend time with her loved ones. her favorite thing is to finally retire to her pod, seeing her family and partner curled up, in deep sleep. ronal may plant some gentle forehead kisses to them, or trace patterns on her partner's skin as she drifts off to sleep

• likewise, ronal's not an early worm by any means. nothing pisses this warrior off more than the sunlight getting in her eyes, loud noises waking her up, and uninvited individuals intruding on her beauty sleep and this def extends to her partner. kids may get a grumble and her rolling over, but if her bby wakes her up? unless for fucking she's not down

• she will 100% bare fangs in a vicious snarl the moment someone touches her sleeping form. she's a deep sleeper, but still very much trained in combat, and has a heightened instinct to protect her family

• sits cross-legged when no one sees. ronal highly values respect and authority, and being the tsahìk of an entire community necessitates a level of maturity and dominance. therefore, she only goes criss-cross-applesauce when she's sure no one of high ranking (other than her partner or children) will catch a glimpse

• doesn't like spicy food, or crazy texture clashes. luckily, there's little of it for the metkayina clan due to location; but when venturing further afield, many a welcome meal is provided to them, spanning all forms of slimy, crunchy, sticky, spicy and the worst blobby. she'll do everything in her power to avoid eating bits of foreign meals, ngl

• and lowkey, it's gotten to the point where her second in command will give her that look, and she then knows not to touch the lightly glowing red, leafy tendrils next to the purple fruit in fear of destroying her tastebuds, or to *accidentally* miss the third greeting meal of the day due to 'unknown' reasons

• although if she does happen to ingest something spicy, her whole face contorts into one of the most displeasing grimaces you'll ever see; she may or may not also stick out her tongue in disgust, too

• was very insecure about breastfeeding initially. the sitting, the time taken up to eat more, the interruptions to daily work, and the soreness all made her very hesitant to do so; but after exploring alternatives she decided to persevere because, "no. who else's milk would they drink, tonowari? mine is the only one..they come from me, they drink my milk."

• will straight-up leave when she wants to. she'll stand, give a curt nod to whoever she may be with, and walk away. no bitterness, or sass, or rude intent. it's more a matter of straightforwardness 'well, i'm finished here. we're done with this conversation, yes? yes."

• doesn't like excessive noise or disruption. ronal's a relatively quiet, reserved individual, so the idea that another person would disrespect the comfort of the many for themselves would bother her a lot. any especially noisy tasks are often done underwater

• speaking of underwater, ronal loves to collect herbs, corals, shells and scales; due to her interests, she's also a notoriously excellent deep-sea diver. if not in detailed discussions with others about the community, or seeing to her children, it's not uncommon to catch ronal swimming deep into the ocean, exploring old coral reefs and swimming through the seaweed (she loves the texture on her skin)

• she's not the primary healer of the clan, but collecting little objects of special note was always a passion of hers since she was a child; ronal likes to claim that it's due to her role within the clan that she finds such delicate and beautiful deep-see gifts, sent to her by the all-mother eywa herself she'll often give them to others too, in celebration of a pregnancy, mated pair or birthday 🥹

• additionally, ronal'll assert that the ornate, sparkly shells and shimmering scales are for a new elixir, or some form of healing broth, but in reality she enjoys grinding them up and sprinkling them in her hair.

• ronal's secretly a very girly girl, but doesn't enjoy the attention-seeking element, so anything subtle yet impressive is her go-to - therefore shining, almost starlike locks that leave every other clan member in both awe and intrigue does a lot to boost her confidence

• hums to herself when she's fixing things. only when she's fixing things she knows she can fix though. for something especially tricky, ronal goes dead silent

• eyebrows furrowed, lips in a tight line, eyes squinted in focus. but if it's something like a rogue strap, a broken handle, or one of her children's toys, ronal won't hesitate to softly sing or hum a song from her youth

hope u enjoyed lovelies <3

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chopper-witch · 1 year

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Modern!Eddie would 100% post a picture of you two on his social media with the caption “me n the bad bitch i pulled by being autistic”

#iykyk #eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson headcanons #plot twist u r also autistic #mayhaps?

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thefrogdalorian · 5 months

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From Now Until The End

Summary: After being away from you as part of his job with the New Republic, your partner Din surprises you with a trip to the Boonta Eve Classic on Tatooine to make up for it. But instead of the fun-filled day he had planned, you are overwhelmed by the many sights, sounds and noises. It leads you to finally share a part of yourself with Din that you had been hiding from him until now.

Rating: General Content Warnings: Descriptions of panic attacks/sensory overload. Word Count: 5446 Link to read on AO3 // Din x ND reader series

Authors note: After my post a few days ago about finding comfort in Din as a neurodivergent person provoked so many thoughful discussions, this fic just sort of landed in my lap today and I was not one to fight the muse. I really hope you enjoy it!

For the first part of your life, you had believed you were somehow cursed, such was the way bad luck was drawn to you like a womp rat to the sands of Tatooine. How did everything seem so simple for others when nothing ever seemed to go right for you? Had you missed out on some kind of crucial meeting that taught everyone else to be a functional human? Or were you just fundamentally broken? Getting a diagnosis of autism thanks to a knowledgeable healer that you had encountered quite by accident, had finally answered some questions for you and helped you to navigate the galaxy in a different way, allowing yourself far more grace and compassion than you ever had before. But it didn’t make all of your problems instantly vanish.

But your fortunes had changed forever on that fateful day when you had first encountered a man hunting imperial remnants for the New Republic in the course of your work in a Cantina, a job you loathed. He had strode in, seeking information that you had been happy to give him.

You were stunned when he had tried to give you some credits for it, it was just the right thing to do. You had always had a strong sense of justice. Sure, your boss probably wouldn’t be too happy if he had caught you fraternising with customers and conspiring to capture Imps with a Mandalorian, rather than doing your job. Which was, to pour flagons of spotchka and keep the peace. But the man in the shiny Beskar had been the first person in a while who had actually treated you like a fellow human being, rather than something to be leered at and ogled while you brought them more alcohol. You felt instantly at ease with him, the conversation flowing from your lips so naturally that you forgot he was a stranger. And you were usually so wary of strangers. To be as open as you were with him so quickly, it was clear that there was something special about this man.

People were usually wary of Mandalorians, they were still such a rarity in the galaxy after The Great Purge. But you realised after just a few minutes of talking to him, that there was something incredibly comforting and warm about the man beneath the armour. When he had left, you had felt so devastated it was almost pathetic. Of course he had left, he was only here in this backwater hellhole for a job, after all. It had been difficult to complete your shift without dissolving into sobs, you felt irritated and on the verge of a meltdown but if you were to try to explain it to anyone, even if you could find the words, it would not make any sense. A stranger had made you feel happier than you had in a long time? How was that normal?

Waking yourself up for your shift the following morning and dragging yourself into to face the most wretched hive of scum and villainy in the galaxy at your place of work had been one of the toughest things you had ever had to do. You loathed that cantina, that was situated right next to the starport on the formerly-Imperial planet in the mid rim. People were fleeting, passing through. It was seedy. There were secrets to be traded in and you knew if you weren't careful, you could pay with your life. But you had to keep going. The boss had taken you in and supported you when you were down on your luck. There was no alternative.

But the moment when you had caught the familiar glint of that shiny Beskar out of the corner of your eye as you were cleaning glasses had changed everything. At that moment, when Din had strode back into the cantina with that confident gait that you loved so much, it was as though all the misfortune you had endured had meant something. All the suffering you had experienced in your life was all being made up for now, when Din had returned and saved you from a monotonous life on that dead-end planet, working in a job you loathed with a hellish boss. You had left that day and never looked back.

Crossing paths with Din Djarin had been, without a doubt, the most fortunate thing that had ever happened to you. Although you had still been wary of his intimidating presence at first, despite how quickly you felt at ease with him; you had come to learn that despite his hulking, armoured form, there was a heart of gold beneath that cold, hard Beskar. As your relationship had gotten more serious and the two of you had grown closer and closer, your guilt at hiding such a big part of yourself had increased. There was not an easy way to tell people that you were autistic, you had discovered that over and over since you had received your diagnosis. There were often painful consequences once others discovered that there was a hint of difference. You knew it was foolish to think that with Din, he had proven to you time and time again to be a patient, understanding man. Not least because of how he treated you, but also because of how sweet he was to his son, Grogu.

Surprisingly, perhaps because he had spent the first part of your relationship hiding his face from you behind his helmet, you had not felt the need to mask as much as you usually did. There was no pressure to make eye contact and Din was so quiet that small talk was not an issue. He was direct, a man of few words. When he did speak, it was straight to the point. Something that you found immensely comforting from the moment you met him.

You had not wanted to burden him with the secret you were hiding from him though. At first, you had not thought it was important to bring up. People usually ran away or treated you differently. In the past, your honesty had been met with rejection or unkindness. Your heart ached to think of the same thing happening with Din.

But unfortunately, hiding that part of you was no longer an option. As you sat there, cowering in a cave that you had found away from all the noise that was characteristic of the Boonta Eve Classic, you wondered how on earth you were going to explain it to Din. This wasn’t how you wanted it to happen. You wanted to drop it in conversation, nonchalantly, as though it wasn’t a big deal – because why should it be? Instead, your hand had rather been forced by how upset the accumulation of events that happened to you throughout the day had left you.

Din had taken a lot of jobs recently and the two of you had spent a considerable amount of time apart. But you didn’t spend your days alone, pining for him; he had secured a job for you with his friend, High Magistrate Greef Karga on the planet where you shared a cabin with him and Grogu. It was a beautiful tract of land, just past the lava flats. You felt extremely grateful that Din had wanted to invite you into the quiet life he had built for himself Grogu. So while Din was away, you had found yourself working in the Nevarrian archives and making sure everything was up to date and in order. For a detail-orientated person who loved order, it was a perfect job for you. Even better, it came with minimal human interaction, a parsec away both literally and metaphorically from that hateful Cantina. What’s more, you had an incredibly good-natured – not to mention handsome – man for a partner and his charming son, whom you had quickly come to adore. With those big brown eyes and ears that could melt your heart when they drooped downwards, there was no way you could do anything other than love Grogu.

But with so much time apart recently, Din had wanted to do something special to make it up to you. He had arranged to take you to the Boonta Eve Classic, an infamous event the entire galaxy over which took place annually on Tatooine. He had a friend who could babysit Grogu and it would be the perfect opportunity for the two of you to spend some quality time together. Din had told you about the time he had visited Tatooine on the day of it a couple of cycles ago but was unable to stay due to commitments elsewhere. You could see how excited he was to finally experience Boonta Eve and you would be lying if you weren’t excited too. It was definitely something on your bucket list, that you had wanted to experience for a while. You would be lying if you said you weren’t a little daunted by it though, all the noise and people were sure to push you out of your comfort zone.

The heat of Tatooine was the first thing that stood out to you. Nevarro could be hot, but this was something else. It was repressive; you sweated just standing still. You wished you had dressed in something lighter, some cotton perhaps, rather than the shirt that seemed to cling to you. The bright, harsh light of the twin suns was also making your head buzz. You had felt a little shaky as you and Din climbed off the ship that had brought you here and headed for the hangar to meet Din’s friend who would take care of Grogu.

Din had introduced you to a few of his acquaintances since the two of you had gotten together and usually, you could understand why they were friends. You were about to meet the exception to that rule, though, in the form of a curly-haired, eccentric mechanic called Peli Motto. You had barely had a chance to catch your breath on this planet, which seemed determined to boil you to death, when you entered the hangar and met perhaps the most extroverted woman you had ever met in your entire life.

When you walked in, she had been conversing with some Jawas, her brown curly hair bobbing up and down furiously. Your understanding of the language was minimal at best, but it seemed to be a pretty heated discussion. Din shifted awkwardly next to you, Grogu in his arms. He cleared his throat and at once she spun around.

“Mando!” Peli exclaimed, throwing her arms up in delight. “Good to see ya, always a pleasure!”

“You too.” Din nodded in response.

“No ship today?” Peli asked, with a shrug. “Shame, I would’ve given her the ol’ once over for ya. For a good price, of course.”

“No, there wasn’t enough room. I’m here with my partner, you see.” Din said, nodding towards you, his hand coming to rest on the small of your back to show that you were, in fact, an item.

“Well look at you! Isn’t Mando punching above his weight? You’re stunning.” Peli said with a grin, her hands coming to rest on her toolbelt. Although, judging by the amount of droids she employed, it didn’t look as though she did much work herself. “You know, if things don’t work out between the two of you, you give me a call. Alright?”

“Uh… alright?” You laughed apprehensively, taken aback by how brazen she was.

Din sensed your unease and swiftly moved the conversation on, removing his hand from your back and taking a few steps towards Peli, handing Grogu to her. Grogu cooed at being passed to the woman, who greeted him enthusiastically. You just stood there awkwardly, your arms felt heavy and you suddenly felt incredibly out of place, even though you were with your boys. You just wanted to leave this place behind and finally spend some quality time with Din. That was the entire point of your trip, after all.

After Din had reminded Grogu several times to mind his manners and not eat all of Peli’s food, the two of you left the hangar behind and walked hand-in-hand as you made your way towards the area where the Boonta Eve Classic was taking place. Din had splurged on grandstand seats for the two of you and, although you had expected it would be busy, as you got closer and closer, you were blown away by the capacity of the main stand. It seemed as though it could hold hundreds of thousands of people. Din must have sensed your unease since the whole interaction with Peli, as he checked in with you.

“You okay?” Din asked, looking at you. But all that greeted you was the harsh blackness of his visor, rather than the warm, comforting brown eyes that you loved so much. “Sorry about Peli, I should’ve given you a heads-up. She’s completely harmless, but I know she can be a lot, sometimes.”

“Oh, yeah. It’s okay.” You laughed nervously. “It’s just a lot busier than I was expecting.”

“It’s Boonta Eve!” Din shook his head as though it should be obvious, which only made you feel worse, somehow. “Biggest event of the year. There are a lot of people, though.”

“Yeah.” You said quietly.

“Let’s get some food. It was a long journey, you must be hungry.” Din said as he pointed towards a stall with a considerable throng of people surrounding it. “Look, I think those stalls sell Bantha cheese hoagies, We can get a refreshing glass of blue milk too.”

“Okay.” You agreed. It was true, you would probably feel better with some proper food in your system. It had taken the better part of a day to travel here from Nevarro, on one of the ships that had been specially chartered to take people to the event.

But the food had not helped. Nor had been crammed onto the bleachers alongside thousands of others without the comfort of Din’s face to ground you. Every time you looked at him, you were met with the unmoving gaze of his helmet, rather than his warm brown eyes that you loved so much. You had tried to maintain your composure throughout the afternoon through the many races and into the evenings, Din seemed to be enjoying himself and you didn’t want to ruin that from him. Much less could you even begin to get into why you were so upset, why you were struggling so much. He probably wouldn’t understand, he’d think you were strange. So you resolved to keep it together. It would all be over soon. You shut your eyes and took deep breaths as the final race began, knowing that you just had to make it through a few more minutes before you and Din would head back to the lodgings he had booked for the night – at great personal expense, if you had to guess.

But when the pod races had ended, after much cheering and ear-splittingly loud commentary coming from the speakers, there had been no reprieve. Instead, a fireworks display had started up, replacing one loud noise with another. If there was one thing you abhorred, it was sudden loud noises. They made you physically jump, completely terrifying you. It had been the thing that had tipped you over the edge into meltdown territory. You were trying your best to keep it together, to at least make it somewhere more private before you came apart. So you abruptly stood up, clapping your hands to your ears.

“Din… I need to leave.” You managed to squeak out before you were pushing your way along the row of bleachers and hurtling down the steps to somewhere quieter.

As you reached the bottom of the grandstand, your mind raced. Where could you go? You were somewhere completely alien to you. Plus, when you had made your way here, everything had been light. But now the suns had set and darkness had crept in. You were grateful that the harsh sun was no longer beating down furiously on you, but the lack of light disorientated you. Your vision started to blur as the tears began to fall, you were trembling, twisting your head furiously in desperate search of somewhere quiet you could get some privacy as you broke into pieces.

Mercifully, behind one of the vendors that were beginning to pack their wares up for the night, was an entrance to a cave. It was the perfect place for you to get some quiet away from the fireworks, which were still exploding all around you. Without a second thought – for your safety, for Din’s whereabouts – you darted inside the cave and found some peace. You sat there, arms around your knees, rocking back and forth as the meltdown that you had felt building pace for hours was finally crashing down with all its might on top of you.

The sound of footsteps outside the cave did nothing to reach you, such was the distress you found yourself in. It could have been anyone with nefarious intentions, you weren’t in a position to care. You weren’t in a position to take anything in, really. But, mercifully, it was the familiar sight of the Mandalorian who owned your heart. Din had found you; of course, he had, he was not once known as the best bounty hunter in the parsec for no reason.

“Cyar’ika? What’s wrong?” Din asked, voice full of concern as he closed the distance towards you.

He took a seat on the cold, firm floor of the cave in front of where you were currently sitting in a state of distress, unreachable as you felt the world was ending.

“What happened?” Din asked, again. But his voice sounded slightly different this time and, as you opened your eyes and looked at him through your tears, you realised why. You could finally see the face of the man that you loved so much, the face you had been aching to see all day.

“Di- Din?” You sniffled. You respected his devotion to the Creed entirely – although he had chosen to walk a different path to the Way he was raised, he still only removed his helmet around you and Grogu.

“I’m here, cyar’ika. I’m not leaving you.” Din said, reaching out to pat your knee awkwardly, clearly scared that he was going to upset you more.

You took some deep breaths, attempting to compose yourself so you could speak to him and let him know the truth, about what had caused your sudden loss of composure and subsequent meltdown. To an outsider, you knew they looked inexplicable but inside your head, they made complete sense.

“Was it something I did? Was it the fireworks?” Din questioned, although the cave was almost entirely in darkness, you could still see the concern on his face. “I’m so sorry, I thought you knew they were part of Boonta Eve.”

“I didn’t…” You struggled for breath, “...know.”

“I’m so sorry. Were they too loud? Din asked you, you were grateful that he was keeping it to questions that could be answered with a yes or no. They were far easier to reply to in your current state.

“Yes.” You nodded your head furiously.

“Okay, okay. I think I get it.” Din said, continuing to stroke your knee gingerly. The warm pressure and presence of his hand was a welcome addition. It soothed you, rather than repulsed you as could sometimes happen when you were in a state of meltdown. “Take your time, get your breath back.”

You weren’t sure for how many minutes you sat there, trying to compose yourself so you could speak to Din and let him in. Let him know what had caused your distress. You knew what it was, but this could change everything. For a second, that made you cry harder. But then you comforted yourself with all the times Din had been understanding before, when you had returned from work upset or when he had been kind and patient to Grogu, the little boy with an immense gift.

Eventually, though, you were composed enough to initiate a conversation with the man who was so concerned about you, who you knew wanted to help you and understand what had upset you so much. You couldn’t bear the thought of him believing that it was his fault, if nothing else, you had to let him know that there was nothing he could have done to prevent this.

“Sorry for running off.” You said sincerely, struggling to meet Din’s gaze as you sat there in the cave together. “It wasn’t your fault, Din.”

“Do you want to talk about what caused it, now?” Din asked. “No pressure to but if I know, perhaps I can help you in future.”

You could have launched into a detailed history of your life, about how you knew from an early age that you were different. That, despite your human parents, you had repeatedly questioned whether you were, in fact, an alien who had been adopted, somehow. How things had not made sense until the day that healer looked into your eyes and told you those words: You are autistic. The way, even after that, things still did not make sense. How you thought that logically, having a diagnosis should make things easier to understand, that often you felt as though you understood yourself even less now.

But you didn’t. You could tell Din those things another time. For now, there was only one thing that Din needed to know. You closed your eyes and uttered the three words that could change everything for you, that could rip this man and the life you were building together away from you:

“Din… I’m autistic.” You said, shutting your eyes as though you were anticipating some kind of violence in response to the admission of your diagnosis.

When you opened them, though, there was no pain to be rained down on you. Only love and acceptance. Before you, the man you had grown so close to sat there cross-legged, his warm brown eyes widened in shock, as he nodded slowly in understanding.

“Okay,” Din said with another firm nod, making sure that he was looking directly at you. “What can I do to help you?”

“You’ve been so understanding and accepting of me already. I just sometimes struggle to put into words how I’m feeling. It’s as though I don’t know how bad I’m feeling until I’m reduced to a blubbering mess, like just know.” You admitted. “That’s why, eventually, things were too much and I just ran off.”

“What caused it today?” Din asked, curiously. You saw no trace of judgement or a desire to pry in those eyes.

“Well, I tend to struggle with social situations, meeting new people and new environments. And also, sensory overload, when things are too bright and noisy… it makes me panic.” You admitted, fiddling nervously with the hem of the shirt that you had dressed in that had failed miserably at keeping you cool. “It was just… everything today. And I didn’t know how to say it or make you aware because you didn’t know and you might think I was ungrateful. I know how much you were looking forward to this, how much you spent on giving me the best experience. I wanted to have a good time but I just… I couldn’t…”

“Oh, cyar’ika. I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling. I can see how a busy, noisy pod race with all the sounds and people would be awful for you. Plus the fireworks display you had no idea about… Boonta Eve was probably not the best place to bring you. Nor was it wise to introduce you to someone new, especially someone as loud as Peli.” Din said, shaking his head although he was upset for himself. “And all that, somewhere unfamiliar… on a planet you’ve never been to. It’s amazing, really, that you coped as well as you did, for so long today. I'm proud of you.”

“Thank you, Din. But please don’t feel bad, you didn’t know. I should’ve told you sooner… but I was scared to.” You admitted sheepishly.

“Scared?” Din questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“I just….” You took a deep breath. It was difficult for you to talk about the unfortunate reactions you had been exposed to in the past. “There have been plenty of people who have not accepted my diagnosis, told me I didn’t look autistic or that it can’t be that bad. People just… they don’t understand. I was scared you’d think I was weird, that you wouldn’t love me anymore.”

“Oh, cyar’ika.” Din said, shuffling to sit next to you so he could wrap his arm around your shoulder and bring you into him protectively. “I would never think that of you. I can’t imagine how much it would hurt to feel so misunderstood and struggle with so many things that others find easy. I must admit, I don’t always notice lights and noises like others do, behind my helmet. It sort of creates a barrier between me and the rest of the galaxy. If I had to face the world in the same way you do, bearing my face… I would probably struggle too.”

“You would?” You questioned in amazement. Usually, you doubted how much people could understand, but with Din, there was utter sincerity there. He was noble and always true to his word, sometimes to the point of putting himself in precarious positions, you did not doubt him for a second.

“I would,” Din nodded. “Plus, as for the weird thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but when you met me I told you I was part of a Creed that meant I could never show you my face. Not only that, but I had adopted a son who was older than me. So, you know, I’m also surprised you didn’t leave me. I’m not exactly the most normal person in the galaxy.”

You laughed at that, so hard that your sides were hurting. Din soon joined you and the cave was soon filled with something other than tortured sobs. It was a welcome change for your body to be hurting rather than something other than pain and terror, for there to be warmth spreading once again in your chest.

“Good point,” You admitted. “You are pretty weird.”

“But seriously, if you ever feel yourself struggling like that again, please tell me,” Din said, suddenly looking at you seriously. “You know, if there’s anything I can do, I’ll help you. Now that I know, I can look for things that might cause you distress. I promise I’ll never put you through anything you don’t want to do. You said that today must have cost a lot and that’s true, but you know credits don’t matter as much as you do. Your happiness is my only priority… along with Grogu’s, of course.”

“Thank you, Din.” You whispered, voice thick with emotion. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you.”

The truth was, you would never be able to thank him with words. To have someone so understanding of you… it was a debt you felt that you would never be able to repay. But Din would never ask you to repay anything.

“Just continue being yourself, cyar’ika.” Din said, squeezing you to him. “I fell in love with you because you are who you are, this changes nothing. In fact, it makes me admire you and love you even more.”

"Really?" You asked.

"Really. From now until the end... I'm by your side." Din said, solemnly.

You sat there stunned, letting his words wash over you. They were a balm to your soul, the exact thing you needed to hear. You wondered how you had ever doubted Din's faithfulness and honourability. It seemed stupid now, that you could ever believe this man would want nothing but your absolute happiness.

"Ready to head to the lodgings?" Din asked after a few more minutes had passed.

"Let's go." You nodded, accepting Din's hand as he pulled you to your feet.

As you made your way to the lodgings Din had arranged for you that night, your hand in his, you felt as though an incredible weight had been lifted from your shoulders. He had finally learnt the truth about you and the reasons why you struggled sometimes, there was nothing to hide anymore. And he had not responded with judgement or dismissiveness, nor had he doubted how much you had struggled. He had listened, allowed you to explain and vowed to help you through it in the future.

Din's helmet was back on now, but you felt a new respect for him. To know that he found it comforting, that he liked wearing it... most people would think it was an intense personal sacrifice to wear something so restrictive, but now that you knew that Din actually found solace in his helmet, with its tinted visor and the way it made noises quieter… perhaps you would think about the steps it took to become Mandalorian.

But all those questions could be answered later. For now, it was just you and the man you loved most in the galaxy, a man who knew everything about you and still loved you as much as he had before.

You weren’t sure what you had ever done to deserve such a kind, good man... but you weren’t about to question the way the galaxy had brought you together. You were just happy that your paths had crossed at all.

A few days later, back at your cabin on Nevarro, you awoke in the middle of the night to find that the side of the cot normally occupied by your favourite Mandalorian was empty. You momentarily panicked when you sat up with a start and saw that Din was nowhere to be found. You placed your hand on the sheets on his side of the cot and discovered they were still faintly warm. He couldn’t have gone far. Perhaps he was with Grogu, the little boy might have had a nightmare. But as you made your way into the hallway of the small cabin, you noticed a faint light coming from the main living area of the cabin.

As you crept down the corridor, not wanting to disturb Din, you noticed that he was sitting at the small desk in the living area. Illuminated by the warm glow of the lamp, you could see his curly dark hair resting on the desk. You worried for a moment until you heard the comfortingly familiar sound of his shallow, even breaths which indicated that he had fallen asleep. As you looked even closer, you noticed that there was something open on the desk. Your curiosity got the better of you as you wandered over there to see what he had been up to before he had fallen asleep with a lamp still on. A lamp that you turned off and shut the book that was sitting just above his hand, his hand resting next to it. And then you noticed the golden writing on the red cover and your heart skipped a beat.

It read, in Aurebesh: How to Support Your Autistic Loved One

You felt a lump in your throat and tears pool in your eyes. Before you could react further, Din stirred. The sound of the book shutting with a thud had caused him to stir, his brown eyes fluttered open and he turned to look up at you.

“Hi, sleepyhead.” You said, teasingly.

“Hi,” Din said, wiping his eyes.

“Doing some late-night reading?” You asked with a smirk, nodding at the book.

“Oh…” Din said, turning his head to look down at the book too. “I got it from the archives here. I just wanted to know how to help you.”

“You’re so sweet, Din.” You smiled. “Thank you.”

“Anything for you, cyar’ika.” Din smiled at you, his eyes looking at you adoringly. “Let’s head back to our cot.”

As you fell asleep, your cheek resting on the warm, firm expanse of Din’s broad chest, you felt certain that you were the luckiest person in the entire galaxy. There was no one that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You had not travelled far, but you knew that you could travel the galaxy many times and never meet another person as understanding as Din Djarin.

Thankfully, you didn’t have to… because he was all yours. From now until the end.

#din djarin x you #din djarin x reader #din djarin fic #din djarin fanfiction #din djarin #the mandalorian #autistic reader #autistic representation #star wars fanfiction #the mandalorian x reader #really thank you if you interacted with the post I made the other day bc this wouldn't have come to me without that :')#i loved writing this so much it was very cathartic #also my first time posting a fic to tumblr like this lol so i hope it was okay ??? ive never used anything other than ao3 #good god its almost 2am i need to drink water and SLEEP #my fics

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moran4444 · 11 months

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uhh my take on fem!KDJ

#orv #kdj #kim dokja #omniscient reader's viewpoint #fem!kdj #also she's autistic #and has sparkly eyes and long lashes just like in the novel

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entrop-y · 2 years

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SPENCER REID IN 11.22 “THE STORM”

for context, the person spencer is talking to is autistic. this—in addition to all of the other for lack of a better word “evidence”—is reid confirming in canon that he’s autistic.

#reid’s autism isn’t a headcanon #it’s an integral part of his characterization and to ignore it is ableist #also i still don’t really know how to make gifs so shut up #cm #spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid gifset #spencer reid gif #criminal minds gif #autistic spencer reid #tw sh mention

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bettathanyou · 4 months

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hii i just wanted to say i really appreciate how much love you put into all of your writings, its all so heartwarming and detailed, and you capture cedrics character SO well. you have such an in depth understanding of his personality and its commendable. i really admire your dedication and love for this guy and how willing you are to share it with others :]

but ya i have a request, a headcanon list (or story/anything u wanna do) of Cedrics autistic behavior and maybe how he would act with an autistic partner? the idea of there being this mutual understanding of each others needs is really sweet to me. also i personally hc him with adhd alongside autism so it would be neat if that could get mixed in somehow, too :D no problem if not!

ANON. WTF YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME CRY FR?? THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME, THANK YOU. I get so scared of MISCHARACTERIZING Cedric, so to hear that I have an in depth understanding of him from you made my entire day, month, YEAR. I hope this headcanon list is good and up to expectations!!

AuDHD Cedric The Sorcerer Headcanons (With Autistic S/O)

Coming from someone with AuDHD with an autistic best friend, I can't stress how much source material I have to speak about this sifkdiieis

FIRST THINGS FIRST. SENSORY ISSUES GALOREEEEE. That man will shrivel and die if he were ever in the modern era and came into direct contact with a microfiber towel.

A secret Headcanon I have (outside of the reasons I listed in my first headcanon list about Cedric!) Is he wears gloves BECAUSE Cedric has sensory/texture issues. His potion ingredients seem incredibly bizarre at times, and I'm sure the textures of them just get overwhelming at times. If you're wondering why the fingertips are exposed, he might need the extra grip to handle delicate objects, etc etc.

His robe is basically a weighted blanket, argue with the wall. He needs to be regulated somehow, and he's still a nervous wreck anyways

We know Cedric's speech is affected by his audhd. Dude has pedantic speech, overly emotive or deadpan, his volume control is non-existent when excited.

Expanding on that, his tendency to mix up words for spells seems a little... Neurospicy, on top of the anxiety

Forgets spells constantly. Not actually forget how to do them, just forgetting they exist cuz adhd

Has CHRONICALLY turned his workshop inside out because the thing Cedric was using just disappeared after he set it down!

(it was in his hand the whole time lol)

HC that outside of, yk, lack of personal space because no one knocks except Sofia, Autism rage whenever you're being interrupted from a task, especially something your fixated on, DRIVES HIM SO INSANE

Lack of patience. Just. Irritable, and same

His only friend (before Sofia) was an animal companion. C'mon y'all.

Music is so important to Cedric! It helps him regulate. He sings, he dances, he appreciates the dragon Acapella! Definitely uses music to stim, as well as dancing. He does it way too much. Audhd people usually are very connected to creative outlets such as music

Speaking of, his flying machine? CEDRIC IS AN INVENTOR. SO MANY INVENTORS ARE/WERE NEURODIVERGENT

Cedric is so genuinely shocked by kindness from Sofia even though she's consistent with it. That can definitely be trauma, but also feels like a lack of emotional permanence

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria SO BADDDDD Cedric would have a shutdown about it (thanks ADHD)

Prone to more shutdowns than meltdowns. But as we know, shutdowns inevitably lead to meltdowns anyways. I hc that Cedric is definitely seen as "melancholic" because his mood shifts as well as masking (poorly) his mental state after having meltdowns in private

Definitely tugs at his hair, bites himself, hits his head/fists on hard surfaces during meltdowns :((

Cedric's job as royal sorcerer is fun for the knowledge as special interest aspect, but the social parts leaves him in bad burnout, at least before his redemption

Still hates the social aspect of his job though

Potions are his special interest

The amulet of avalor was a hyperfixation, there I said it!

Due to trauma, but also to adhd, I think Cedric has no emotional object permanence. Dude for real acts a little TOO shocked towards Sofias kindness-

There is two types of audhd: sarcasm is the only language they're fluent in, and cannot distinguish sarcasm to save their life. Cedric is the first.

Sofia is the second type LMAO

Where's the same outfit everyday. Like. Cedric would buy the same set of clothes/outfits because too many choices are just overwhelming, and too many textures are Bad

Speaking of textures, again

Picky eater

I've never seen Cedric eat anything except those jellybean looking candies at his parents house

Jellybean/sweets as a safe food

I hc personally that Cedric is familiar with food magic because he conjures his own meals. I can't imagine people would respect his needs/wants enough to be especially accommodating, so he did it himself

Cedric talks to children as equals because of the lack of social hierarchy due to autism

However with the royals his age he is desperately trying to please people for the sake of acceptance (mood)

Okay

Rapid fire s/o headcanons!

Y'all either talk for hours, or parallel play without a word

Doing Nothing Together While Vibing Is Essential

Even though y'all understand each other well, sometimes the weird social rules you force yourself to mask with still stick. So sometimes y'all will have to ask "are you mad or are you unmasked rn"

Same thing with sarcasm. Taking jokes too literally so then you gotta ask for clarification. At this point it just adds to the joke xD

Cuddling/hugs is the best because THE DEEP PRESSUREEEEE

But also don't touch me when I need space pls

Infodumping whenever the chances arise

Seeing cedrics eyes sparkle his smile lines crease when talking about something that excited him feels like the warmest ray of sunshine

Cedric will sometimes get distracted by how much he loves you and loves seeimh you being happy while infodumping and will ask you to repeat things while apologizing profusely

Cedric will buy you little comfort objects you like or give you cool things he finds

Pebbling!!!

Sometimes y'all need to sleep alone for the sake of space, but other nights you gotta be in each other's skin

And both are okay!

Laying in bed doing a separate activity until bedtime is a good compromise when one of you doesn't want to spend the night, but still wants time together

Switching hyperfixations

Adopting each other's vocal stims/speech mannerisms

Suddenly you're saying Merlin's mushrooms UNIRONICALLY

When shutdowns happen, y'all have communication cards! Very helpful for both parties :))

You both doodled in the margins of each other's communication cards

Cedric chronically loses his and you now you're just letting him use yours until they manifest again 😭

Meltdowns, Cedric needs to be alone. He just can't handle ANYONE seeing it, even you

You respect that... And take care of him afterwards with whatever he needs

Whatever way you need support during shutdowns/meltdowns, Cedric accommodates without question

Just

So much love and acceptance and CHOOSING to put in the work in your relationship

Anyways, that's all I got! Feel free to add on! TYSM for the ask!! This was so lovely and self indulgent to write lmaooo

#cedric the sensational #cedricthesorceror #sophia the first #cedric x reader #cedric the sorcerer #sofia the first #autistic cedric #adhd cedric #also audhd #help this is more just audhd character analysis than headcanons

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lxstfathier · 6 months

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Help i can’t stop thinking about Luke with an autistic gf 😭

He is just so patient and calm and i know that he would never raise his voice at you or do anything that might cause you a meltdown. The literal perfect boyfriend for someone on the spectrum. Like�� if you don’t like something he makes sure to change it for you, if there’s loud noises he gently puts his hands over your ears, if you go non-verbal he decides to use the force to communicate with you, if you have an hyperfixation he tries to get involved in it too, if you want to eat the same thing for dinner everyday he doesn’t complain, and if you need to stim he buys you pretty fidget toys or maybe he even lets you play with the seams of his cloak 🥺

#i need him so bad im gonna cry #i know he wouldn’t be shitty to me like everyone else :(#also this is for my autistic girlies out there <3 #luke skywalker x reader #luke skywalker fanfiction

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scrambledslut · 8 months

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alec hardy is an autistic disaster

#and i love him for it #he is so me😭😭😭#we would make a great couple oop #don’t mind me being delusional #he’s literally this emoji 😐#i didn’t know other ppl also headcanoned him as autistic #alec hardy #alec hardy x reader #david tennant

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jasontoddssuper · 5 months

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Omg i was having a convo with one of my bestie's and it led to me realizing that the reason i hate most Dabi and Miguel Reader Insert content is that the writers make them act like white dudes................Third eye WIDE ASS OPEN

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punkeropercyjackson · 2 months

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Hobie being written to behave inappropriately to women is obviously antiblackness but also just a stupid ass take because how in the goddamn hell did y'all watch Atsv and think he was anything but a 'men ain't shit' Mama's Boy.I mean there's him being down horrendous for Miles but i sincerely doubt Miles is a dude

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autism-corner · 8 months

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The Seven and a Half Morningstars

AO3 || 2.1K words || you/yours pronouns || Masterlist

Levi and Lilith have something in common. Something none of their brothers have. They both are the reason that 'the morningstar/demon brothers' doesn't really apply anymore.

transfem sisters figuring themself out together. although, not at the same time or without severe loss (and gain). <3

ft. you loving levi (either romantically or platonically)

Levi knew. She’d known for a long time, but she was content with the way things were. Until you came around. She could handle everyone seeing a gross guy otaku. She could not handle you, seeing her in a way that wasn’t her true self. It felt like lying to you, and that's the last thing she’s ever wanted. Part of her thought it was selfish, but she wanted you to love her. Not him.

—

It all began way back in the celestial realm. Back when they were known as the seven brothers. Ofcourse, everyone was siblings to each other in that place, but everybody could tell that these seven had something special between them. Lucifer, the morningstar, had basically adopted the younger boys, and it created a bond that few, if any, could break. While every one of them looked up to Lucifer, each angel was also steadily growing attached to the other 5. Mammon and Asmo were both extremely extroverted and found common ground there, and the twins were already close as could be. Lilith and Levi were both outsiders, and that’s where they connected.

Ofcourse, Lilith had the twins as well, but Lilith tended to wander around more, and he kept feeling like he didn’t really belong in heaven anyway. Ofcourse, Lilith loved his brothers, but sometimes he longed for a different life. A more free one. That’s why he drifted towards Levi. Leviathan always seemed to be in his own little world, and Lilith wanted to join him. So the two hung out a lot together, slowly creating a world away from everyone.

—

Lilith laid out on Levi’s bed. His arms reached out towards the roof, seemingly grasping the words to explain his thoughts. “You know,” He began. Levi sat in his chair in the corner of his room. Even though he seemed to be reading a book, Lilith knew Levi would listen to him. “I wish things were different. You understand, right?” A vague ‘hm’ came from the corner. Lilith sat up. He only ever did that when things got serious. “I don’t mean here.” A sigh. “I’m talking about like. Feelings and stuff.” This made Levi pause. Levi knew that he wasn’t the best with feelings or expressing things. But he also knew that Lilith understood that. He closed his book and waited. Clearly, Lilith had a lot to say about this, and the only thing Levi could do was wait and hear him out.

“I’m also not talking about struggling with feelings like you are. This is…” Hesitation. This was definitely a difficult subject for Lilith to talk about. He’d started biting his nails again. “More personal, in a way? I think.” He fell back down on the bed, still fidgeting. Levi slowly looked up.

This was so different from the usual Lilith. Lilith is often so full of energy that Levi could barely even keep up. This Lilith is trying to be calculated and calm, and it’s worrying Levi. “You should stop biting your nails.” A quiet response from Levi. A silent way that tells Lilith that he cares about him, and that he’s paying attention to him.

“Can you come here for a second? Just lay next to me. Please.” To many others this would’ve sounded like a simple request. But Levi picked up on the desperation that was hidden behind it. He slowly got up and walked up to Lilith, who was now curled up on his side. Levi joined him, laying, although stiffly, beside him. Levi wasn’t sure yet how to approach the situation, but he would stay and listen to anything Lilith had to say.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lilith's hand move. An invitation (request?) to hold his hand. He sat aside the discomfort he might feel with physical touch, and joined their fingers together. He’d do anything to comfort Lilith.

“I don’t want to say it this bluntly, but I can't figure out a better way.” Lilith had pulled up a pillow and was clutching it against his chest. “I don’t think I’m a guy.”

—

It wasn’t often that people would see Lilith cry. Lilith often had a way of life that would brighten up every room, conversation and face. The ways that Lilith broke that day, in front of Levi, showed the weight of this issue. Clearly this had been bothering Lilith for a long time now.

Lilith began explaining to Levi about all the things she’d wish to be different. And Levi listened. What else could he do? Lilith explained that she didn’t necessarily want her name to change. She’d grown up with this name and had so many memories with it, it was impossible to be complete without her name. But she did want people to refer to her differently. She wanted to be called pretty and cute and beautiful. She wanted to be a little sister.

Levi listened and understood. Levi helped her alter her clothes, helped her pick out new ones. Together with Levi, Lilith became who she wanted to be. And together with Levi, she explained it to everyone else. Thanks to Levi, she became her full self.

Things were glorious for a couple of centuries. Everyone lived and laughed, now being known as ‘The Seven Morningstars’, rather than 'The Seven Brothers'. Everything was perfect.

Until she fell.

—

Desperation broke out. How could Father do this? How could He break up their family, their comfort. How dare He take away their little sister. It was unfair.

They had to keep living.

Dark times turned darker upon their arrival in the Devildom, strangers in a new world. But with the darker times, aside from the anger still flaming within everyone, new forms of warmth began to rise as well.

Lilith’s replacement, set free by the anger she caused, came to them. Ofcourse, no one but himself saw Satan as Lilith’s counterpart, but that didn’t soothe his anger. He raged and rampaged wherever he could, but slowly gained comfort in the sister he never had. He finally settled with a piece of Lilith in his heart, allowing himself to release the anger she could never express.

Like before, they started being known as ‘The Seven Brothers’ again.

All the struggles they went through together made them that much closer, now only having each other to depend on. Bond’s grew again and strengthened, setting them up for their new life. A new life that is better than they could’ve ever imagined back in the Celestial Realm. A life with freedom. A life that Lilith gave hers for.

—

Levi had taken it hard. Her fall. Even though the relationships with his brothers improved, to levels never even achievable in the celestial realm, an important part of his life became irreplaceable. Someone to actually talk to, someone who got him, someone who was like him. He never got the guts to actually tell her. How he related to her. How he too, wished to change.

It caused a silent suffering.

Until you came. Even though things hadn’t been all that bad, he viewed you as his saviour. The one who brightened up his days again, gave him everything they could. But most importantly, someone who understood him. You made him better. Like his sister had before.

That’s when Levi started to question things again. You were able to give him his confidence back. When you were together, it felt like nothing could tear you apart. It was a mutual understanding between the both of you. It felt like Levi was back with Lilith again, but improved. Ofcourse, nothing could replace Lilith, not even you. But you gave him back his feelings, familiar yet somehow more intense. More worth the risk.

During the healing you were the cause of, Levi began to find their truth again. The truth that they had always already known, but often pushed back, was being indefinitely resurfaced by you. You reminded Levi of her. And now, finally comfortable, she could rise & remain.

Lilith was the one to tell Levi about this. Levi was never good with her own feelings, after all. If she hadn’t indirectly told Leviathan that being like this was okay, that things could change for the better, that life doesn’t have to be a struggle, Levi might’ve never even known. And now, it’s time for her to tell you.

—

She wasn’t as brave as her little sister. She couldn’t possibly tell you this straight to your face. Praise to the devildom and its better developed technology. A voice message it’ll be. A regular text message did feel a little too impersonal for something like this.

“Hey. uhm. Right.” A clear fumble with paper can be heard. The clearing of a throat. With a robotic voice, certainly reading a script that’s been spent hours on, Leviathan started. “I don’t know how to properly tell you this. It’s hard. But very. very. important. To me. I. I am not. who you think I am. But I want to be. And I know you want me to be myself as well. You have told me that plenty of times. And I am grateful for that. It is because of your continued persistence in being comfortable with myself that I bring you this. That I trust you with this. Because I don’t think I can continue being a guy.”

It was a sudden and unprompted message to you, with an even more abrupt ending. Upon finishing her script, Levi pressed the send button immediately and directly shut off her phone. She couldn’t bear the thoughts about your response, but knew she’d have to.

It hadn’t even been a minute when you knocked on her door. Within that time, you had listened to the message, sent her a streak of five different messages in response, and raced through the entire HOL to her room. It only took two unanswered knocks for you to barge into her space, where you hurried to her bed to find her already sobbing.

Her emotional state, and her body finally being engulfed in your arms, made her spill everything. About Lilith, and how she was the one that planted this idea in her head in the first place. How hard it had been without her. How regretful she is for never having been able to tell her little sister.

She told you about how much you mean to her, and how she kept thinking, no, knowing, you only loved the wrong version of her. You loved the version of her that kept wishing he was different, that forced himself to be someone he only partly was. You loved someone that was not her. And she told you about how hurt that made her feel.

But she also talked about how loved she felt by you. How despite the rude comments Levi made, both towards Levi’s self as to others, it never made you love Levi any less. She talked about how lovingly and calmly you always handled her meltdowns, how you asked permission for every touch, how you didn’t grow annoyed anytime her energy was too low. She talked about all the things she would miss if she lost you. Things only you could give her. Things that made her feel like she was worthy of love, things that made her believe being herself might be worth it. You make her believe suffering doesn’t have to be.

—

It was an emotional and extremely draining rant. Many tears were shed, from both sides. At the end, you had simply kissed her head. It was enough for Leviathan to feel at peace. The mentally taxing questions could come later. For now the two of you would cuddle and rewatch TSL. No need to talk. Now was the time to simply lay embraced and at rest, as the both of you slowly drifted off thanks to the comfortable atmosphere. It somehow felt an impossible amount more loving than usual.

—

It was amazing to see her flourish. Huge bits of her anxieties were visibly taken away as soon as she grew comfortable in her new out and proud identity. She smiled and laughed more, talked more enthusiastically in her higher trained voice, and was more excited for the mundane joys. Life was easier. Life was better. Alongside you, thanks to you, she grew into herself. Nothing else changed much. She kept being her otaku self, she kept sneering comments anytime her envy flared up, and she kept the same bond with each of her brothers like she always had. Loving in their own special way.

Although, admittedly, one sibling-relationship did change. Anytime she found joy in her womanhood, there was a little part in her that felt more love, more similarity for her sister. A connection that was evergrowing. Despite never being able to tell Lilith, Levi knew she had known. Lilith had always had her way with people like that. Levi knew that somewhere, Lilith was smiling down to her. The exact same way she had once she started living her full life as herself.

#transfems my love <3 #also levi's hella autistic <3 #anyway although Levi's gender is so magical that it'll remain a secret to me personally. I will always firmly believe that Lilith is a tran #btw titel is not to call either satan or lilith half a morningstar. it just feels weird to put either 7 or 8 because neither feel true to m #urgh #obey me #obey me fanfic #obey me x reader #obey me leviathan x reader #leviathan x reader #transfeminine fanfic #transgender #obey me fluff #obey me leviathan #obey me lilith #obey me sibling bonding #obey me comfort #sillyposting #my work

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