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starlit-clouds · 2 years

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Not to make one of those tumblr stories where you look at them and think “huh, that did not actually happen in real life” but I don’t care if you believe me or not I just need to share this because it was kinda funny (and sad, but I’m not focusing on that) and I want to rant about it on the internet where no one knows me besides for that one friend I gave my tumblr account name to

So: scene! It’s the first day of school and it’s the kind of first day where they just let you wander around the halls just as long as you get to your classes on time (classes that have been shortened to 20 minutes to give you more time to wander aimlessly). It’s also the kind of first day where no other grades (I’m American so we use the word ✨ grades ✨ not years) are there, it’s just your grade because apparently they don’t want to release a bunch of newbies into the halls with the people who have been there for a couple years now, so it’s just a bunch of people who have absolutely no idea where they are going, and no one can ask anyone for help because no one else around knows either, and yeah sure you could ask a teacher, but what are you going to do? Willingly start a conversation with this stranger who is payed to teach me about math?

Anyways, I’m heading to my first class, kinda of nervous because me and my friends don’t share this class, so we say goodbye like we’re sending each other off into the woods, never to be seen by fellow humans again. I’m walking down the halls and I’m like, huh. There’s not a lot of people here. What happened to the 50+ people who were all crammed into the same hallway heading the same way as each other? Are my direction wrong? Why did I break off of the group?

So I do the logical thing and ignore these doubts, and stop considering the very possible possibility where I could be wrong. (Never second guess your actions kids! It’s always a for sure guarantee you’re correct the first time in everything. This is a life lesson. A very truthful life lesson that is in no way false in any way). I get to the end of the hall, opposite of the one that everyone else is going because I’m not like other students. I check the door, check my schedule, check the door again, check my schedule again even though I’m already walking through the door and what am I going to do if it’s wrong? Walk back out when I’m already visible to the people inside? What was the point of that last check?

I walk inside and every person turns to stare— just kidding. There’s like, 3 kids plus the teacher and the kids all sitting there awkwardly at different tables from each other, absolutely not paying attention to the new person who just walked into the room. I take a table for myself with no other people sitting at it because I can afford that luxury. Ha ha! I don’t have to socially interact with anyone! I can be! By! Myself! An introvert’s absolute dream.

So a fourth (fifth if you include me) person walks in and also takes a table for themselves. The teacher (they’re actually a substitute for the teacher but that takes too long to type) takes attendance and then looks around the room in confusion. They eventually tell us to go sit at the same table and just to pull up a chair for the extra fifth person. We do that and then the teacher then asks us what school we went to last year.

All four students answer the same school.

My school is different then theirs.

Which means all (semi) know each other (or have at least seen each other before). And I’m the epiphany of that one stranger that walks into the group project because the teacher said “groups of four” but you only have two friends in your class so your forced to accept this random kid that you’ve seen across the room and seen doing work, but haven’t actually talked to before, and for all you know they could be some sort of control freak, a kid who does nothing the whole project but gets the same amount of credit, does the bare minimum of what they’re told, but you have to tell them what do to otherwise they do nothing but sit and stare as you and the others do all the work and now it’s too awkward to ask because they haven’t initiated a conversation so maybe their the type of kid who won’t do any work and it’s not worth it giving them something they’ll fail at or maybe they’re—

We all sit awkwardly at the table and the teacher eventually takes pity on us and opens up a game cabinet near the corner and asks us if we want to play any games available. When none of us respond, they pick a random kid and asks them to pick out a game. And… wanna know the game that kid picked? You wanna know?

Arriving back at the table, they place the board game down.

Its Sorry! the board game.

…

In case you don’t know, Sorry is at max, a four player game.

In case you’ve forgotten, there are five people at our table.

It is clear that they have not yet thought about the consequences of their action.

One person does the standard call out “dibs on blue!” when they see the game. Another is acting salty and is saying that they want blue. One person is very silent. Only one is looking awkward as they process the facts. 5 people. 4 player game. They’ve (probably. I can’t read their mind) done the math. They now Know.

They set out the board, and when they pass out the pieces, the rest finally realize. The dreaded question is finally spoken out loud.

“Soooo. Who’s going to sit this one out?”

“I will!”

The words are out before I can process that I’m the one that said them. They’re all looking at me now.

“Are you sure?” They look very awkward. I can emphasize with them. I would be awkward to in that situation. Of course, I would never actually be in that situation because I would think about what bringing a four player game to a table of five people would mean.

“I’m sure.”

They all look awkward now. Well, except for this one quiet person who I like to think was as much of an introvert as me and were now mad at me for taking away their chance for not playing the game. After all, a person gave up their spot. You’re like, socially forced to now play that game.

So they play the game. In front of me.

After a while, I got bored of watching them play and took out a book to read (does this make me a jerk? Reading while other people are playing a board game? I’m not socially aware enough to know the implications this action had on them. Can someone please tell me if I accidentally somehow insulted them by doing this?).

So then the bell rings (the recording of a bell that plays through the school speakers because we don’t have an actual big bell just hidden somewhere in our school. Still don’t really know why they have it. Hearing a robotic bell play very suddenly when your getting to a good part in the book is very startling) and the game is put away. We walk out of the room and while we don’t speak to each other, we all have the knowledge that we’ll be seeing each other again tomorrow.

—

Looking back, I like to see this as funny. My friends, who I shared this story with, did not think the same. Still, my sense of humor is far more advanced then they could ever understand, so they just don’t get it. I mean, am I the only one who thinks this is hilarious? Like, how do you even get in this situation in the first place?

I still wonder what that person was thinking when they picked Sorry. They all knew each other, right? (I mean, I don’t actually know. I just assumed when they said the same school). Did they think the quiet person they knew wouldn’t want to play? Did I actually give up my spot that was meant for me and forced it onto the person who didn’t want to play? If so, as a fellow person who didn’t want to play Sorry, I just want them to know that I feel very sorry…

(I apologize for that last joke. I saw the opportunity and I took it. Can you really blame me?)

#my post #sorry for the rant #not a mini rant it’s a #long rant #does this could as creative writing? it got very creativey writingy at the end #but it doesn’t quite feel right so I guess I won’t #so I shall instead place this under:#life update information #gonna be honest it might be a little bit embellished #but just the beginning for times #they didn’t really let us wander the halls unsupervised for most of the day #but it’s funny to think that they actually would let us so I kept that part

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desidarling123 · 3 years

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okay okay so. i have something i'm VERY curious about. why is amita suman considered a desi? i understand that desi people can come anywhere from the indian subcontinent but not everyone from there identify themselves as desi. amita is from nepal and unless she's actively identified herself as a desi, i think its kinda not right to call her a desi

I mean this is the definition of desi I use, I know for some folks it may be different:

Desi, pronounced as “They- See”, is a loose term for the cultures and products of South Asia and their diaspora, derived from the Ancient Sanskrit देश (deśá or deshi), meaning Land or Country. "Desi" countries include Afghanistan, Bhutan, Bangladesh, India, Maldives, Nepal, Pakistan and Sri Lanka.

Re: the second point - I don't feel weird calling her desi bc ... I am one too? I picked that word bc it's a little more specific than "brown", which encompasses a much broader group and doesn't really narrow down where she is from (and desi generally refers to anyone from the Indian subcontinent). I think folks within our community are allowed to take that small liberty - at least whilst the status of her feelings on it are unconfirmed, but generally speaking, the term desi is a default and not usually seen as a bad thing, certainly not in the circles I've run in.

So in practice it's really the opposite of what you said -- most people identify as desi without it needing to be confirmed explicitly. And being called desi by accident is generally not seen as a bad-faith action but an accident, a use of a colloquial term without malicious intent.

If she were ever to come out and say she doesn't like the term, or does not identify as desi, I obviously would not call her that. There's not been any evidence of that one way or another. (In fact, her bio has a link to help India and she did a Grazia India shoot recently, so she's only shown positive external messaging towards the largest country the term is derived from/refers to).

However, for the time being, I think we are likely splitting hairs here. She is a brown woman from Nepal who is largely being referred to as desi by other desis. Unless she were to ever indicate otherwise, we are likely in the clear.

#amita suman #inej ghafa #sab #shadow and bone #this is presuming i haven't missed some like insane discourse abt the term #if there are further discussions abt the term desi theyre clearly not mainstream #but esoteric at best #so mmm not sure how relevant those would be to this situation #also truth be told we are a bunch of strangers on the internet.#we are referring to her with the information that is freely available to us #and assumptions that are being made in good faith #thats all you can do #asks #answered

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bisoqu · 3 years

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Hi. I’ll be going by an old internet nickname, Casey. I’m 19. I’ve never used tumblr before, but I cannot talk to anyone in my immediate personal life (hoping this is a first step) So, here I am. I used to only think about these things while I was high or drunk but those thoughts have now entered my head every day, and I’m incredibly stuck in what I should do. I please ask kindly that you, internet stranger, give me your thoughts for a little bit. I want to talk to somebody, but everyone in my life would push me away. Or, at the very least, look at me in a drastically different way, and ruin alot of the bonds I have with them.

Also uh, sorry about the kinky stuff. I’m just really inebriated.

when I was younger, I had this infatuation with overweight people. The idea of a fat person was hilarious to me, and I would often watch crappy montage videos on YouTube of fat people falling, failing, dumb shit like that. That infatuation with consuming fat content probably pushed my desire for this through the roof. As I got a little older, I started looking up “cute fat girl” (I’m like 11 at this point don’t @ my goofball ass who through that wasn’t odd too search). And eventually saw these videos being referenced with the tag BBW (meaning ‘big beautiful women’.) A google search later I had successfully discovered a way to find more content of a similar style, and plenty of it. I would use this search term across YouTube, and eventually had consumed most of the recent content with that tag. As most teens do, from there I went to porn sites. I was learning new terms, PAWG, Pear, MILF, but most importantly SSBBW. SSBBW was an extreme push of the human form, women growing far beyond any healthy limits. Piling on hundreds of pounds of useless fat and growing larger with no concern for health, just unyielding gluttony. It was incredibly hot, and rewarding. I had dug a little deeper and found my niche. At this point I was much passed only searching to stimulate a curiosity, but to scratch a sexual itch I had been developing. As time went on, I had been pretty deeply interested in this stuff, but had no aspiration(at about 16) too talk about it. But.. as my romantic life moved forward, I felt embarrassed and frustrated to tell the world. through some random burst of honesty, I told an internet love interest everything. Or.. enough. I told them I was into “fat girls”, leaving it open to interpretation. I had believed that saying just ‘big girls’ would leave them to think slightly overweight, not dangerously, or disgustingly fat. Even though I tried to talk about a subculture I was deeply into, I was unable to be transparent. Soon after this encounter I would get very close with my first serious girlfriend (we’ll call her Stacy). She wasn’t chosen because of my kink, she actually only weighed a tiny 98lbs, it was because we had some similar interests, and she made me feel special in a way nobody had before her. Some time would pass, but in some way or another My friends and girlfriend were aware of this kink to the same extent as that online friend so long ago. I was very joke-y about it, leaving it to be much less of an embarrassment as originally thought. But, the air was still there that I wasn’t being completely truthful, and their thoughts on what ‘fat’ is, and mine are wildly different. Fast forward too now. I live with this girlfriend, and have since moved hours from family. I still see friends routinely, and work a full time job.

As of recent however, I have been using marijuana more than I had in the past. What was a 1-2 a week thing had turned into a “every night after work” thing. Recently (within the last few months) Stacy had gotten a second job that would take her for an entire day, her staying the night on site, leaving me home alone. I had an idea one of these Saturday’s where Stacy was gone and I was working that I would purchase some fun food to eat for dinner since I was alone, and get really high. something about this changed a couple hours later though. As I started to think more about the idea, I decided to starve myself as skip any meals that day, waiting for this grand feast. And we’ll, it turned into a sexual deviation quickly. I myself am a little overweight, but am not exactly huge. I’m 6’1 and I weight about 250lbs so I’m not exactly small, but my weight is dispersed well. I started too think about stuffing my face, naked, in front of my webcam. And that was exactly what I did. I smoked a bunch of weed, and ate a couple peoples worth of food at my desk, all with a single hand, as my other was jerking myself off. I started to call myself titles like slut, and bitch, seeing myself as a woman. At its climax, I felt a new high. Ever since that night, I haven’t been able too shake this incredibly urge. I would like to be trans. I still am attracted to women, which I guess would make me a trans lesbian, or something (I’m really not involved in trans culture passed a couple trans friends). So every Saturday, I’ve been doing this. Recently Stacy hasn’t been working this job much, so I’m left with just repressing it, but often it doesn’t work. I want to learn how to do makeup (of which Stacy had plenty of at home) and dress myself in feminine clothes. I’ve been dealing with this burning passion for a handful of weeks, this want to change my entire life and be a woman. but this fantasy seems impossible. I am a very active person, as I do fight with my weight alot. In this male body, I find excess weight to be gross, and do go to the gym several times a week to combat it. I’m actively working against my dream out of sheer.. terror. My family, my friends, I don’t want too throw it all away to feel like me. I have been thinking about taking the savings I have and moving a handful of states away, leaving my life here and starting anew elsewhere. But it pains me to think of my own mother, or stacy, or a good friend, to be appalled at the way I look, dress, or present myself. The “what happened to you” or “trans looks bad on you”. As a person who now, openly admits to wanting a transgender life, I see very few trans success stories from M to F. A lot of them look abnormal, and catch a ridiculous amount of scrutiny.

And above all, I don’t want being trans to be my life. I want to change the way I look, and the way I operate, but not the way others see me or think of me. It’s an impossible circumstance that many trans people have dealt with. And I’m just so afraid of backlash, that I might settle. I I just don’t know what to do, who to talk to, or if anyone will see this as a cry for help. Passed my kinky (high) ass, I think about this every day almost nonstop ever since that night. And a life like that sounds like a life worth living, I’m just terrified of loosing everything too change only something myself, will see as a better decision. I feel like if I don’t do something though, I’ll go crazy.

I don’t think tumblr has dm’s, but please, if anyone has any shred of similarity with this situation, let’s talk.

#transgender #transwoman #mental heath support

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draftsofcertainties · 3 years

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Here's the thing. Edwin and I met in a dating app. At one point my friends told me, as they know I'm exploring and trying to meet new people after the breakup, to invite guys I meet from the dating app over to our parties or dates. Since we were talking at that time, I asked him specifically if I can invite him over or we should just stay in an fwb setup where people only do fun and then nothing beyond that. I asked this because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable or think that I'm inviting him over to meet my friends because we're going serious or anything. He's not the only one I asked by the way. During this time we haven't met yet, but I already thought of setting boundaries already because I don't want to entertain possible relationships yet. He told me it's okay to meet my friends but he's not looking for anything serious at the moment. I told him that I am too, and I also mentioned that I've met people who actually expected more from casual conversations and it's actually unappetizing. I mean, no offense to people who are actively searching for love, but personally I think it's unusual to declare you like someone without knowing and meeting them in person yet. You can say you're interested but not to a point where you can immediately decide you want to have a deeper relationship with some random stranger from the internet, regardless of how much you've already shared with each other.

I've been there. When my ex and I clicked, I thought we would last, we jumped right into commitment without thinking long and hard. Since we were young and idealistic, we thought we could make it last, you know? Conquer everything in the way. We lasted for good 5 years but it ended badly.

Back to Edwin. So at the outset we made it clear that we're not looking for anything serious, since we also learned that we both just came from a long-term relationship recently. Who knows? We could just be using ourselves as a distraction. To be honest, I did. I am. I searched for people who would talk to me just so I wouldn't have time to think of reaching out to my ex again. I talked to almost 10 people simultaneously. It was chaotic, exhausting, and time-consuming. I eventually decided to trim down the list and only kept the ones who were actually worth talking to. Edwin is one of those people. I think we clicked the most out of all the people I met recently.

He's actually the one who initiated to meet in person. He asked if we can stay together overnight to drink and more. This was maybe our first or second conversation, hence me thinking this is only good for a one night stand, or maybe friends with benefits. I mean, a guy who asks you out to a bed and breakfast date at the onset isn't just a guy who's doing it for the first time. It's like a longer version of checking in a motel, kind of like some sex plus random miscellaneous stuff. Since I try to be open to these kind of stuff after the breakup, I said yes. Even though initially I'm not sure if I could do it. I mean, for some people sex isn't a big deal, but for me it's a whole new process of opening up to a person again. As an introvert, it's already excruciating for me to spend some minutes talking to a person out of responsibility or casualness, and to spend a whole day and do intimate things with a stranger is a bit of an overwhelming idea for me at the start. Since I'm desperate for distraction, I agreed to it -- this is my time to explore. I also thought, if it's okay for him to spend some dragging hours with a stranger like me, then fuck it. Let's go. It's going to be one night and then he'll just have to bear my boring presence, my unexperienced-unexciting-unattractive-but-desperate-for-distraction version, and soon find someone else. I mean, isn't that what friends with benefits do? From what I've heard, if there are no benefits, staying friends is close to impossible, so you find another. Then another. Then another.

Since I'm a busy bee, I explained that I couldn't meet him for an overnight date very soon (plus some hesitation on my part, and also the struggle of making excuses for my parents everytime I go out). He actually isn't pushy at all. I almost thought he just asked me out just for the sake of conversation. I met other people online who actually made plans meeting me but didn't happen. I told him I would only be available for the next 3 weeks or so, and honestly that's a little too long to wait for sex, don't you think? I mean if this guy really wants to meet me, he has to bear another 3 weeks of talking to me, which I thought would let him down since I thought he could easily get another girl for an overnight fun without needing to wait that long. Yes, I apologize for my mindset is a little fucked up. I guess it's the trauma. I think everyone I meet from the dating up is fuckinf somebody else. Or they're talking to a bunch of other people besides me. I have no memory of people being loyal or faithful. I just know that everyone else wants to have fun, and that includes me.

(I drafted this a month ago I think?)

I trained myself to think of the worst from people, but don't get me wrong. It isn't prejudice. It's my coping mechanism to expect the worst from people so that when I learn some truth that may hurt me, it wouldn't hurt as much. Also, everyone has their own struggles, dark pasts, deep secrets, and you have to be ready for all of those when you decide to welcome someone in your life regardless of how close you want them to be to you.

How did we meet in person? It's just about a week after we started talking. It's his sister's birthday. I jokingly said I want some spaghetti and then he said maybe I should come over. I told him I could, I just had to secure a ride. Long story short, I got on my way to their house, brought a birthday cake for his sister and some food as courtesy. My friend gave me a ride to their place. It was already past 8 in the evening when I arrived. I finally saw him in flesh. He was wearing a mask, but I instantly fell in love with his eyes. As he walked closer to meet me I was feeling a lot more nervous that I did moments ago. Then we started walking our way to their house. I reached out to hold his hand, and asked if it was okay. He said yes. I felt embarrassed for a few seconds because I felt like I was being too forward, we haven't even settled yet. When we entered their gated compound, he stopped in a dimly lit area and told me we could stay for a few minutes there before entering their house. I put my things on the table. He stood right in front of me and talked to me. I forgot about the words he said, I was just amazed by how beautiful his voice sounded. I'm not hearing him through my earphones. It's real.

He reached out to hug me, and he noticed I'm shaking. He hugged me tighter. I looked up to him to stare closely at his face and then I smiled. He closed in on me until our lips met, and we kissed for the first time.

It's my favorite first kiss. Because it felt like it wasn't.

It felt like we've known each other for a long time already. He actually told me this a few days after. Even though I felt the same, I waited for him to tell me about it, just so I know I wasn't the only one who felt that way that day.

We kissed for a few more minutes, and the longing for more intimacy was starting to get more intense. We were making out passionately and he couldn't keep his hands in one place. He would grab my ass, squeeze my boobs, and hold my face. As much as I wanted to get it on already, damn we weren't in the right place for that. We stopped and caught our breaths and finally decided to go inside.

He introduced me to his sister who was currently working from home that time despite it being her birthday that day. He then introduced me to his mom. The three of us ate dinner together. Me, Edwin, and his mom. Surprisingly, there wasn't an awkward moment. Edwin eventually told me that his mom didn't expect that it was actually our first time to meet in person. After dinner, he introduced me to his father. And then we proceeded to talk over a bottle of brandy, with a lot of kissing in between. And we were either holding hands or hugging while talking. And I started worrying if it's okay since his family might think we're together, despite us meeting for in person for the first time.

I eventually found out that yes, his family did think we're already together, but Edwin cleared it out for them that we weren't, and he's not rushing things for us, since I just came from a recent breakup. Rushing for what? I thought maybe he already had his mind set that there's a chance for us to last a little longer by the way he talked about us to his family.

Sometimes I think, what if we didn't meet this way? What if the first time we meet in person was the planned one night fun? But I'm always grateful that we did meet this way. It's way more memorable.

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szopenhauer · 4 years

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What type of friend are you? funny mom friend so like... dad friend? XD

Have you ever been friends with someone for longer than 7 years? nah

Do you have a family member you hate? could say so

Does your family accept who you are? it’s complicated

Have you ever puked in school or at work? luckily not

Do you hate puking or does it make you feel better? hate

Have you ever coughed up blood? nope

Do you lie to your doctor? sometimes we all have to but nothing important

Have you ever been misdiagnosed? yup

Do you think you have an disorder but havent been properly diagnosed yet? that too

Is self diagnosing good or bad? depends

Do you think sex is overated? it is

Is it important for both genders to understand eachothers bodies? I’m not dating men, I don’t want to have a son and I am not a doctor so I don’t care about male bodies, sorry

If someone was a virgin and was raped, did they lose their virginity? ...

Have you ever dated someone more than twice your age? nooo

Have you ever been cut off by a bartender because you were too drunk? I don’t drink

Have you ever borrowed money from your mom & lied about why you needed it? I don’t think so

Have you ever dated someone just because they had money? no

Have you ever lied to your spouse about the money you spent shopping? it wasn’t a lie but I bend the truth a little

Have you ever gone on a first date with no underwear? I might go without a bra but because I don’t wanna wear it and not because I might have sex

Do you treat attractive people better than others who aren’t as attractive? nope

Are you more comfortable with friends that are less attractive than you? not less but not more as more attractive might make me feel insecure at times

Have you ever hated a job to the point that you tried to get fired? I would if they let me stay in few places but luckily they didn’t care much about me as their worker hahaha

Have you ever lied about your weight on a driver license? there is weight on a driving license? :o

Have you ever lied during a job interview? meh

Have you ever lied to your boss to get out of work? I exaggerated feeling sick once to not get a job in a horrible place if that counts

Have you ever lied under oath in court? I wouldn’t!

Have you ever bought alcohol for someone underage? I said NO

Have you ever switched tags on an item to pay less for it? I only took tag from an identical item, just different color, as someone tore it out before and I really wanted that particular color, so no

Have you taken any pics of yourself that you wont want your parents to see? umm... yeah ^^”

Did you ever tell your BF/GF you like their outfit when you really didn’t? there are different types of like - like as I would want to wear that myself and like as I enjoy it in general but also like it on particular person etc.

Do you feel accepted by your BF/GF ’s family? could be worse lol

Do you lie about your age? what for if everybody think I’m younger anyway

Would you risk your life to save a total stranger? maybe

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? hell no

Have you ever snuck out of the house to go out with friends? not really

Have you ever shoplifted? no way

Have you ever done something because of peer pressure you are ashamed of? yup Have you ever been embarrassed to introduce your parents to anyone? omg

Have you ever held back a well deserved compliment because you were jealous? I don’t recall

Do you guilt people into giving you what you want? hope not, I try not to, it’s manipulative and I already am seen this way due to my BPD so...

Would most ppl consider you better than average looking? pfft Would you prefer to have hot body or high IQ? good health

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? I’m ashamed to tell them that I don’t have a job

Would you give up your car to save the planet? if I had one...

Are you more likely to believe a man or woman? woman :x

Has your credit card ever been declined? I don’t use a credit card

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? oh no...

Do you think your parents are too critical of you? my mother is

Ever blame a sibling for something you did wrong? I usually have to take the blame for her instead

Have you ever accepted credit for someone else’s work? just my alters lmfao

Did you ever buy something expensive,wear it once and return it? I didn’t, I have no money to buy and no heart to act like this either

Have you ever re-gifted something? shitload of times

Do you really care about saving the planet for future generations? not for future ppl, just for itself

Do you own anything from IKEA? not furniture

What was the last task that you required the use of scissors for? I just dropped them and let them lay on the floor under the table because I am unable to reach ‘em

Look around the room and name any item that’s grey. stuffed bad from Biedronka that I got on a flea market

Do you know what any of your close friends did yesterday afternoon? me and M. been spending time together while my parents were at home

Can you recall the last time you woke up in a bad mood? Why was that? I always do?...

Who was the last person to send you a message with a heart emoji? my gf obviously

Does your hometown have many good bookshops? none

What would be your typical outfit for a party? I don’t attend parties

If your girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with you tonight, what would you do? oh...

last dream you had: K. 3D printed or smth almost identical album as the ones I had as a baby and her and my current partner gave it to me as a gift :3

do you think a lot of people think bad things about you? I aware of that

is your best friend pissing you off at this exact moment? I informed my father that I dropped scissors and now as I picked them up he asked me when and how they ended up there while I told him about it few minutes ago - I was more worried than annoyed tbh

Why aren’t you texting the last person you kissed? she’s taking a nap

Sex ruins relationships, right? it can happen

Last person to stand up for you? hmm...

The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? I lost count which is weird because I cry in front of my family members only (not even my grandma until I was a baby), I know that sometimes I cry in public but because I don’t give a fuck about strangers as much as I used to, close ones in the other hand... Nat hates the most when someone sees him so vulnerable

Something good going to happen tomorrow? doubt it

The last person you kissed hates you. Why? would have reasons

What do you usually do when the clock turns 11:11? it’s a secret you can unlock in a very high level of our relationship

Do you like your cell phone? it’s ok

So, what if you married the last person you kissed? we’re engaged so that dream ain’t that unreal

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? uh oh

Do you plan on moving out within the next year? I wish

What are you listening to at the moment? mom and dad talking <rolling my eyes>

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? or never

What’s your favorite high school memory? I have a bunch of those

Do you wish you had more money? absolutely

Team Jacob or Team Edward? team hate Twilight

Do you have a problem with bisexual, gay, or bicurious people? with bicurious maybe, definitely not gay

Have you ever held hands with the opposite sex? I have

Are you a patient person? weirdly unpatient Do you think you are a good person? am not

Honestly, have you ever eaten raw cookie dough? ewww

Is there a difference between the word ‘best friend’ and ‘friend’? there is

How was your week? rollerclaster XD

Does it bother you when an artist remakes a song that one has previously done? usually

When was the last time you cried? recently

What letter is the song you’re listening to under? M if vocalist/band B if title of the song

Would you rather visit the 60s or 70s? 60s I guess

Do your socks say anything on them? I have no socks with anything said on them

Name a TV channel that only has three letters in it. BBC

Gray or Grey? grey

Will you be buying concert tickets any time soon? I won’t

Have you seen the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower? Did you like it? yasss, it was fine

How many weddings have you been to? less than 5

When you smile, are you confident? I am not

Have you ever not done something because you were afraid of getting in trouble? of course

Was the weather beautiful today? it’s cold

Do you have to have a fan on when you sleep? I don’t own a fan Would you rather have an orange, red or gray bedroom? walls? orange

Would you ever dye part of your hair blue? why not whole

Is Finding Nemo a favorite movie of yours? I dislike it

Does/Did your school have a uniform? middle school only and that was a great idea

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? not gonna

What’s your favorite thing to do? nothing

If your house was haunted, what would you do? depends

What’s worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? slow internet

Are you a fast or slow walker? which alter? :P

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? I must buy belt for Nat

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? no comment

What age do you look forward to reaching? I live on borrowed air...

What exercise do you hate the most? awkward ones

Do you know anyone that has a gecko as a pet? no

What color shirt is your mom wearing today? she’s wearing a striped pajama and light blue sweater atm

Does any part of your body hurt right now? mor than one

Do you like Greek Mythology? not a fan

When was the last time you had Pepsi? ages ago

What was the last question you answered, not on surveys? it was more an order than a question coming from my mom

Do you own anything Polo? used to

Do you know anyone with exaggeratedly big muscles? neighbor

What is your favorite endangered animal? are elephants still endangered?

Do you like to dance? kinda, from time to time Who was the last person who screamed your name? mom’s calling me again, grrr...

Which underwater creature do you find the most badass? what do you mean?

How do you usually find out what the weather will be like for the next week? someone tells me, I ignore them, they were wrong all along

Why have/haven’t you joined Twitter? I left as it was boring and irritating Are you good at rhyming? but don’t like to rhyme

When’s the last time you were woken up in an obnoxious way? lately it’s common

Why do you/don’t you enjoy horror movies? they’re disgusting and pointless

Do you have any celebrity’s perfume? I don’t use perfume

How well do you do at Scrabble? in polish or english?

Who is your favorite Scooby-Doo character? Velma I suppose

Have you ever played or been interested in playing World Of Warcraft? been interested, liked the movie

What kind of cake/other dessert treat did you have for your last birthday? nothing?

Who do you think does the best job at cartoon voiceovers? Jarosław Boberek

Does your dad wear a watch all the time? years ago frequently

How much ice cream do you think you’d be able to eat before you got sick? only a bit

Do you know anybody under 40 with grey hair? I have some myself

Do you think you have the potential to be a good stalker? oh well...

Why did you read the last book that you read? I watched film and heard it has a different ending so wanted to check it out

Have you ever cross-dressed? clothes have no gender but I drew mustaches and such

Which sport are you the best at playing? unihokej/floorball or however it’s called

Do you know anyone who has gotten pregnant despite using contraception? possibly

What would you do if you were in that situation? I’m an asexual and I’m into girls

Are you planning on buying a house in the near future? not possible

Do you prefer on-campus classes or online classes? online

What was your favorite family vacation you went on as a kid? personal

What’s something about you that others might find unpleasant or off-putting? my skin for example (not color)

What gaming consoles do you own? I only play PC and android

Have you ever been so sick you had to be taken to the hospital? been to ER few times

Do you know any lesbian couples? I’m in one ;)

Have you ever lived in an apartment building? just when I was staying with my grandmother

What was the last topic you asked someone for their opinion or advice on? not sure which was last

Is your house visible on Google Street View?- barely

What’s the largest thing you currently have in your refrigerator? *shrug*

Do you know anyone who has never had a pet? I believe

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? no thx

Would you take the 3 minute beatdown to be in a gang? neither Do you check your texts right away when you receive them? not every single time, it’s impossible!

Does it make you uncomfortable when you receive a compliment? sorta, I think they’re lying/want something or make fun of me (even if just slightly teasing for fun)

When you are home alone at night and hear strange noises, are you afraid someone is going to break in? I’m more “ghost” type of person hahaha

Do you wake up cranky? mhm

What is on your wrists right now? sleeves

Are you a beach, country, or city person? country or small town

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? we are

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today? ex - I got a gift and found a shirt for Nat and myself :3

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids? -

Are you waiting for something? food

Something you do a lot? suffer

How many chances do you tend to give people before enough is enough? it’s not about the amount

What’s a fact about the last person you kissed? she likes hugs

How long have you liked the person you like? it’s a long story

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed? not our last kiss

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? I worry

Have you ever given your ALL to someone who walked away?

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted? we kissed

Are you one of those people who are always cold? not always but often

Do you tend to waste a lot of money? I still feel like it even tho I don’t, I thrift often but spend little for those trinkets

Did you sing at all today? może coś nuciłam, nie pamiętam, w headspace?

Would you rather be able to control the weather or control traffic? weather

Do you own any articles of clothing with skulls on it? gave it away to John

Are you faster at text messaging or typing on the computer? typing on the computer

In your opinion which is the stronger emotion: love or hate? hate

Tongue piercings - cute or trashy? trashy

When it comes to jeans: skinny, flared or boot cut? skinny

Would you rather be a star ballerina or a star break dancer? none

They say diamonds are a girls best friend; what do you say? I don’t care for diamonds

Has anybody ever told somebody one of your secrets? plenty of times

Do you get on better with funny or serious people? smth in between

Do you have mood swings around the time of the month? I don’t need period to have mood swings, it’s stereotypical!

Have your friends met the last person you kissed? aha

What if you got stuck in a lift with the last person who Facebook messaged you? we would end up having sex? jk

When/where did your last hug take place? today

Have your parents ever told you about their love lives, and any previous relationships they had before they met? kind of

Do you and your friends have any inside jokes? and with family

When you listen to music, do you ever find that the songs affect your moods and change how you feel? no shit Sherlock!

What’s one thing about today that you didn’t like? don’t wanna talk about all that

Who is the last person that you said i love you to, besides family members? my fiancee

Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? done

Do you still talk to the first person you kissed? we’re together again

Do you have a picture of you kissing someone? :D

What’s a cuss word you use often? there’s a whole list

Who’s the last guy you texted? dad

Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head? this question...

Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? I remember how we met

Do you believe that people talk about you behind your back? ha!

If you had twins, would you give them rhyming names? yuk

What are you listening to? Tame Impala - Let It Happen

Did you do something mean to someone today? she deserved it!

Is there anyone that you wish was IN your life who used to be? babcia...

Give us a lyric from a song you’re listening to: The truth of it is it doesn’t get better than this

Is your birthday in less than 6 months? whoops

What brings out the worst in you? better not say that out loud

How’re you feeling right now? bad

Are you afraid of the future? very

Do you believe in true love? I’m trying

Do you believe that every one has a soul-mate? not everybody

Was today a good day? should be better

What woke you up this morning? woke up on my own

Do you look people in the eye when you talk to them? I don’t

Have you ever played naked twister? wut...

Is your hair longer than your shoulders? not yet and don’t plan to keep it that long

Would you get in trouble if you came home drunk? that would be a shock to my family (and to me)

Do you ever think about things and start to worry? 100% of the time

Are you one to get annoyed easily? that me!

Is the last person you kissed yours? we don’t own ppl...

Was it a boy or a girl to text you first today? girl

Are you scared of spiders? am not

Do you hate the last boy who talked to you? I love my parent

Do you tend to make things complicated? not on purpose

Have you ever gotten to the point where you’ve said “I’m done trying”? gqe1gIQASGCK...

Do you think things will change in the next few months? I’m afraid for worse

Do you like when people play with your hair? it’s strange

What are you wearing right now? bluzę w czarne i białe paski, zieloną bluzkę z długimi rękawami i szare legginsy z niebieskim wzorkiem

Ever feel like you have been replaced? more than once

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech? write

Are you lying to yourself about something? thx a lot for this ask...

Is the person you last texted single? she’s with me

Do you think any of your exes will eventually want to be with you again? tha hell

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? just my own apartment

Which do you prefer, relationship or a one-night-stand? relationship

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blitherandblather · 5 years

Text

How To Write A Book: Part One: How To Write A Book

That's a shit title, isn't it? What a stupid thing to write an article about; how to write a book. You already know how to write a book. It's like writing anything, only longer. You get some ideas and you write them down. Start with chapter one, write down all your ideas and when you run out of ideas, write “The End” and that's your book. That's all there is to it. There you go; that's the whole article. How to write a book: Step One, write a book. What a waste of everybody's time that was.

Obviously, I'm joking. This isn't how to write a book. You already know how to do that. You've read books before, right? If you haven't, stop reading this and go read a book. Read lots of books. You'll figure out how to write a book by reading them. They're all the same. A front cover, a load of chapters with words in them, then a back cover. That's all there is to it.

No, I'm not going to teach you how to write a book. I'm going to teach you two other things that are far more important. Firstly, I'm going to teach you how to write a good book. That's the tricky part, especially considering that what a good book is, is up for debate. There are people out there – nobody I know, but people just the same – there are people out there who think Dan Brown is a good writer who writes interesting books. Dan Brown once wrote the sentence “The famous man looked at the blue cup” so I disagree, but that's just, like, my opinion. There are no set rules as to what makes a good book. If you write something and somebody enjoys it, even if that somebody is you, then you've written a good book for that person.

What qualifies me to teach how to write a good book? Simple; I've done it. I've written nine books so far, and seven of them have been good. One of them is great. Of course, I'm judging that by what I think a makes for a good book, but that's what I was talking about in the previous paragraph. There is at least one person out there who thinks seven of my books are good. In truth, there are lots of people who think my books are good. In fact, over a million people read my book Sand, and the vast majority of them thought it was good. They told me so. Mostly, they were strangers, too, so it's not like they said it to make me feel better or anything. If there's one thing the Internet is good for, it's making strangers feel like shit, so if someone goes out of their way to tell you they enjoy your book, you should listen to them.

Secondly, I'm going to teach you how to write a successful book. This is less open to debate. A successful book is one which makes you money. If you're a successful writer, and you write successful books, then you can do it full time. That's kind of the end-goal for most writers; to be so good at writing people pay you to do it, and pay you so much you don't have to work a shitty day job to make ends meet. I've met writers who have been published and critically well received, but who work in niche markets that don't make any money. This is called literature. Your great-great-grandkids will benefit from you writing literature, but you, personally, will live in squalor for your whole life, you'll die alone and you'll be buried in a pauper's grave. If you want to write literature, then go ahead. Good literature can improve the world in distinct and unimaginable ways. You'll make the world a better place by writing good literature, but you are going to die of scurvy.

What qualified me to teach how to write a successful book? Absolutely fuck all. I've never done it. I've only ever had one book published, and it was one of the not-good ones. It was a book about vampires and some people liked it. I am not one of those people. It was a noisy, messy book. The pacing was all over the place, the characters were unlikeable and unrealistic and the ending was rushed and a complete cop-out. Why this was the only book I've ever attempted to make money from is beyond me. I'm guessing it's because it's my least-favourite thing I've ever written. It love it, because it's one of my babies, but I don't like it. I don't really care about it, despite the fact I love it. So, that was the one I chose to send out in to the world to fend for itself. I self-published it, which is a tricky thing to do. It's possible to self-publish a successful book, but I never managed it. I think I made something like £28 in total with that book. It took me six months to write. If we're going to be completely mercenary about it, I earned about 15p a day writing that book. There are children in sweatshops that make more than that.

See, I read a lot of How To Write articles. I always feel like there's a magical ingredient I'm missing. I read articles from other writers about how they achieved success and it always feels like there's a paragraph or a chapter than just isn't there. They always read something like this:

“I was working as a waiter in a restaurant when writing my first book. I would get up at six in the morning and write for three hours, then go wait tables for nine hours. When I got home, I'd spend an hour editing what I'd written that morning, then repeat the process the next day. I did this every day for two years. My agent sent the manuscript out to over a hundred publishing houses and they all rejected my book as books about Trolls falling in love wasn't 'in' right then. However, the head of Flibbertigibbet Inc. just happened to come across my book and he understood what we could do with it. After meeting with him, he signed me on to a three-book contract and that's when Fox Entertainment became interested in turning my little book in to a movie!”

Which, I mean, hey, great for you. But there's a few holes in the tale. And they're all like this. Every single success story I've read goes along these lines. First of all, how did you manage to get up at six every morning? How did you manage to find a job where they didn't care that you were half-asleep for your whole shift? Most importantly, where the fuck did you get an agent from!? How did you meet the head of a publishing house? How did Fox hear about your book!? WHAT AM I MISSING?

There's a whole bunch of other stuff I don't know. Some of it, I've learned “on the job” as it were. For example, when I first started writing, I had no idea you were supposed to edit your own book. I thought editors did that. But, no, you have to edit a thousand times before your book gets anywhere near an “editor”. What do you put in a synopsis? How do you figure out what agents you're supposed to approach, and how do you approach them? Where do you draw the line between buttering them up and completely whoring yourself out? What's the difference between an agent and a manager? Once again, how do you find the time to write while also working and having a life? What is the secret? How the fuck do you even get started?

That's what this is for. See, I haven't written a successful book. I haven't even gotten close. I've never had an agent or a manager or the head of a movie company ringing me up asking how many sequels I've got planned. I'm a complete novice. Nine books under my belt and I still haven't got a clue what I'm doing. But I'm learning, and I'm going to share what I've learned in this little articles. All the little bits that are a mystery to me right now, I'm going to figure out.

I'm going to share everything I do, the successful bits and the (I'm guessing far more numerous) failures. I wish somebody had already done this, so I don't have to. But, if there is a magic formula to writing a successful book, I'm going to find it and I'm going to share it with you cunts.

In between, I'm going to be teaching you about the first bit; making your book as good as it can be. It's going to be quite an adventure, probably. Or, I'm going to get frustrated and give up in a month. Either way, it should be fun. Join me, why not?

#writing #write #writers #books #how to #Blither #boxer #Author #publishing #publish

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kashikoikawaiisaschachen · 6 years

Text

Hello Charlotte explained

I want to torture myself by trying to understand the complicated universe of Hello Charlotte and what actually happened in all the episodes, so here I go lol.

PSA: This post isn’t a complete guide to Hello Charlotte. It will be updated from time to time as I figure out more about the story.

Warning: Long text ahead to explain the whole plot.

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First, we have the True Realm. This is where Charles Eyler writes his fanfic to cope, regularly plagued by the illusion of his unborn younger sister Scarlett Eyler and pressured to become a doctor. His mother is mentally ill and bedridden after her husband had forced her to abort Scarlett. To make matters worse, she sees her son as Scarlett due to the trauma. Anri also exists here as his fake girlfriend and Charles wrote her into the story as Charlotte's best friend. Charles inserts himself as C/Vincent borrowing his internet friend Vincent's appearance.

Later, he gave up and committed suicide after his mother died, unable to pass the Trial. He failed to overcome his hardships, thus his own life became a story about giving up. Every event after that happened after his death in the True Realm.

The False Realm is where most of the story takes place, especially before EP3. The House is what the False Realm is called with many floors, each inhabited by different people. It's essentially a fiction within a fiction. Some floors have a Charlotte inhabiting them. The 1st floor is Charlotte the protagonist's house. 2nd floor is where the school is. The 4th floor is where another Charlotte caused the Great Cluster by absorbing its inhabitants to herself. The 6th floor is where Charlotte 091 is, although merely a bunch of organs and merged with the Charlotte from EP1, she’s kept alive for a little longer to please the audience. The 9th floor has a Charlotte who consumed everything to keep its inhabitants alive (probably a reference to EP2's Grey End). The 11th floor is where Mother takes resident.

The Father and the Mother of the House are based on Charles own parents. Mother (possibly Lilith), unlike Charles/C is the true God of the House and she produces Charlotte vessels assigned with different roles for their own stories. She also manages a network from which a Charlotte can draw power from and use it to grant her wish at the cost of ending her story, thus dying permanently. Charlotte/Scarlett made a wish to save the Oracle from dying in EP1, which in return should have ended her story. But the Oracle/091 intervened by creating a channel made of Scarlett’s soul data (more info a few paragraphs below).

Father aka the Umbrella Man oversees the False Realm and provides guidance to Charlotte. Seth the Puppeteer aka us the player is named after Seth the Umbrella Man. When Umbrella Man called himself Charles in EP2′s Grey End, he wasn't Charles himself, but rather his impostor as C told Q84 at one point. Though sometimes Father may refer to Charles himself, due to the False Realm being the universe of Charles’ mind. In fact, Charles has always used a Vincent vessel in the False Realm, way back since EP1 when he helped Charlotte/Scarlett in the TV world.

After Scarlett died by Q84's hands in EP3, so did Q84. Umbrella Man granted Charles' wish to resurrect her so that her story could continue. And so Q84's soul data was uploaded into another Charlotte vessel.

Shortly after that, we were shown a flashback of V19 killing all 2nd floor inhabitants except Scarlett and taunt her to find her. She's the Charlotte unit Umbrella Man was talking about who became self-aware without Charles' interference. After Scarlett found her on the 11th floor, V19 revealed the truth of the world they live in. In disbelief, she used the Oracle’s power to transfer her consciousness into one of the Charlotte vessels to atone herself and try to understand Charlotte better. She and Charlotte from EP1 and 2 were the same person with martyr complex.

As we already know, many concepts in Hello Charlotte are based on Charles' real life experiences, including his friend Vincent's theory on how the world works. According to Vincent, every time someone dies, their soul expands like a Big Bang, forming a new universe made of entirely their own mind. Each Charlotte's soul cube is a world in itself in a form of TV box with soul data aka channels. In EP2, she didn’t think the tenants were real, so imaginary they became. She was also obsessed with the Trial, which in return manifested in her world.

With that said, those TVs we saw in EP1 were most likely Charlotte's soul cubes with their own stories. Since the Oracle in EP1 was Charlotte 091, the Pythias were actually the many Charlottes that Mother has produced in the House. Each time the channel is switched, the TV shows a different outcome - eg. one where Felix didn't die. In EP3′s bad ending, the Phythias were apparently multiple vessels for a single Charlotte.

(Btw, in EP1 many Phythias were apparently killed by the Executioners. Perhaps this is a metaphor of Charles killing off the Charlottes once their stories end?)

As we can see in EP3′s bad ending, Charlotte/Scarlett's soul cube had many channels that can be switched around yet it won't change the outcome of the story, ie. the alternate realities she was trapped in all for the sake of entertainment - proving V19's statement. The only way to put her out of misery is by destroying her soul cube, essentially killing her. On top of not being able to die until her story ends, it’s understandable why Q84 went rogue and wanted to die so badly.

Charles and Q84 left the room, leaving Charlotte/Scarlett to her fate for a while. Q84 decided to use White Society members as new vessels for Charlotte/Scarlett as an attempt to save her. We can see the old Charlotte together with Oracle, their sprites and surrounding distorted. Charlotte/Scarlett was still alive as her soul cube wasn’t destroyed. Oracle invited her to stargazing, as in leaving the story together. Seemingly depressed, she claimed everything Umbrella Man said was a lie. In EP1, Charles/C whispered something that triggered her memories, which in turn made her suicidal in EP2 (it explains the horrifying environment her channel has turned into), although that recollection somehow disappeared at one point. This could mean she didn’t stay clueless forever and at one point realized what is actually going on and that she failed to create a good ending.

In the true ending, Q84 destroyed Charlotte/Scarlett’s soul cube to free her from her fate. Charles entered the False Realm to come in terms with himself, throwing away his Vincent vessel and killing off Mother, ending the stories for good. Q84 hugged and assured him among the ruins of the House, even when Charles’ world has crumbled, a new day will still come.

(I find it really sweet how Q84 developed some empathy in both endings. It shows that she can be a semi-decent person if she wants to, however it’s hard to sympathize with people when you know the world around you is fake, you exist to please complete strangers and everything you’ve been taught is a lie.)

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tldr;

Hello Charlotte is an unnecessarily complicated story about a depressed young man who writes a self-insert fanfic about his dream girl named Charlotte Wiltshire. She has a different personality and role to fulfil in each scenario he had written. She is predisposed to be fascinated by Vincent, his own self-insert and a false God. At the same time, this also represents his own fascination with Vincent in real life.

EP3 explores the self-fulfilling nature of this as a fictional girl is made just to be abused without fighting back to create an emotional connection with the audience. Some of the defective Charlottes who lack parasites in their brains (as in what grant the Puppeteer control over a character, it’s the reason why Q84 never addressed Seth when making decisions nor can you the player influence her actions, because she lacks your guidance) became self-aware. Q84 in particular fought back against her script by being outright sociopathic, and thus much less relatable to the audience contrary to Charlotte from the previous episodes. Charles or rather Umbrella Man in disguise later asked for Scarlett’s help to stop Q84 from murdering the NPCs. She got killed in the end, so Umbrella Man suggested we should switch to a different story where Scarlett avenged her classmates instead. This is what kicks the plot of Hello Charlotte 1 & 2, separate from the events of EP3.

Some questions remained unanswered though. Judging from what was said, is White/Black End the canon ending of EP2? Charlotte/Scarlett didn't survive the Trial after all. How did Q84 materialize in the True Realm when she’s a fictional character within the House? This is perhaps a metaphor to Q84 being Charles’ favorite Charlotte. After all, Charles is the only ‘real’ person here. Even Umbrella Man’s True Realm’s appearance was only a metaphor. We all know Charles loves his imaginary friends ever since Scarlett appeared as a tulpa and Charlotte existed to fulfil his fantasies ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Since this happened after Charles committed suicide, he can bring pretty much anyone in False Realm with him. And this was probably the False Realm in fact, since Charles’ world has crumbled.

If you made it through this wall of text, I’d gladly like to hear your input :) Thanks for reading!

#hello charlotte #spoilers #analysis #meta #own

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theparaminds · 6 years

Photo

A new face in music, Binki is exactly what many have been looking for but have been unable to find. His style contrasts a stark relaxation in sonics with an introspective understanding of lyrics and emotion.

An theatre student, Binki truly understands what it takes to connect with an audience, what it takes to express emotion honestly and how to be a truthful soul within sound itself. His first song, Marco, does so perfectly, reminding us of youthful innocence and the troubles that come with it.

In his first interview ever, Binki tells us of his baggings and what it took to make the jump into music, as well as has upcoming move to New York set to put a lot into focus.

PM: First question as always, how’s your day going and how have you been?

It’s been pretty uneventful. I had to go to court earlier for this speeding ticket, but other than that I've just been cooling. Later I’m gonna go jam with my buddy though.

PM: For those who don’t know, who is Binki? What does he represent and what is his vision?

Yeah I'm pretty sure nobody knows me! Binki was actually my nickname growing up, not really sure how it came to be, but it stuck. I recently decided to release music as Binki to remind myself to not be too self-serious with my music. I definitely care about what I'm doing but if it's not fun then what's the point? Overall though, I want to make music that connects and makes people days easier.

PM: What was the spurring moment that really told you to start releasing music as opposed some odd demos here and there?

A few things, but my brother played a big part in it all. He would always gas me up when I showed him a song he thought was good. I always had desire to go full tilt with the music but I always held myself back. I was in school studying theatre and acting for the past 4 years; and I had it in my head that I couldn't do both for some reason. I thought people wouldn't take my acting seriously if I had this music career on the side. But life's really too short to not do the things you love. There's also plenty of people who have done both successfully. It was really just fear.

PM: Were there others around you inspiring you to push into musical ventures?

Yeah, there's definitely a "house show" scene at the school I went to. I was definitely inspired because I wanted to be a part of it and perform. I also really enjoy live music. I didn't have a band though, and it's really hard to get people excited to hear some random dude perform over an instrumental.

PM: To move a little back to the past, what did your environment and location look like growing up and how did it manifest into your sound and style?

Suburbs as fuck. I spent my early years in Hershey, Pennsylvania. A lot of white people and not a ton of culture. I wasn't miserable though, I had a lot of friends and I was outside playing most of the time. My brother put me onto a lot of stuff growing up, but in highschool I kinda veered off into my own lane. I remember this girl I had a crush on showed me Pink Floyd, which spiraled into me listening to a lot of classic rock. Then in college, I watched this Jimi Hendrix documentary, which is no longer on Netflix unfortunately. But after that, I started learning how to play guitar. I don't know though, the internet kinda changed the way everyone consumes music and other people's culture. I feel like it's super valuable for artists who might feel like they're in a bubble geographically. I'm moving to NYC in like 2 weeks though so we'll see how that changes things.

PM: What’re some of your fears and aspirations with living in new york? What is it you hope to find in the city you wouldn’t find anywhere else?

It's actually just starting to hit me that I'm moving to NYC. It's something I've always wanted, feels a bit surreal. I guess a fear would be that the city will just expose me as a talentless hack and I'll have you move back to the burbs. Or that it'll take me 20+ years to make it. I'm really not afraid of much at the moment. I feel like a big part of being successful in any field, especially creative endeavors, is just being bold enough or naive enough to think you have something to add. So many people give up before they even try. My goals are pretty nebulous at the moment. I really just wanna connect and collaborate with talented artists. I'd love to perform my music in some capacity, that's been the mission for awhile. NYC represents opportunity in my mind. There's an energy. If you live there, you might inherently have it. If you move there you're looking for something, and you gotta be driven to survive there. I'm looking for that energy.

PM: On the topic of the music itself, how have you come to develop your sound over time? What changes are you working on and improvements as time goes?

Most definitely still developing my sound. I think the best thing has been working with different people. The same way you communicate with other artists if you're having a jam. I think my writing changes when I'm exposed to different sounds. I never understood when artists say they only listen to their own music when they are creating, I can respect it, but I feel like I'd lose my mind if I tried that. I take pieces from all of my favorite artists, but it's all filtered through me so it's always gonna sound like me. Going forward I just want to keep taking risks and remain ambitious. I'll always want my music to be enjoyable. Not commercial necessarily, but I don't want my music to live in a bubble where only a select few enjoy it. That said I really want to do a concept album at some point, something along the lines of My Beautiful Dark Fantasy.

PM: What is about the concept album that you love and why is the idea of making one appealing to you as an artist?

When it's done well, it adds another layer to the music. Also albums are just in a strange place right now. I really hate this trend of artists releasing 30+ songs and calling it an album. Something really cold about it. I think concept albums, and more ambitious video projects, show a different level of passion. Even when done poorly, I'm like: “okay there's intention behind this.”

PM: What’re some of your personal ambitions and goals going forward? Do any include live shows?

The biggest one is to just put out music that I'm proud of. There will be live shows in 2019. I'm kinda just speaking that into existence but it can't be that hard right? Even if it's just like 20 people, that'd be tight. I'd love to go on tour eventually. Also more videos! My brother and I made the video for "Marco" in like 48 hours with no plan. So we just want to keep getting better and stay consistent.

PM: Tell me more about that Marco shoot, how did come together and how did it conceptualize through the day?

So I called off work and drove down to Atlanta, we started just shooting random bits around my brother's apartment complex. Then we just bounced around the city starting at a museum, then a park, and we ended at dance party. It was a super fun day, it felt like we really had something. The next day I said we should get a shot of me falling in a pool. Totally inspired by the 'Untitled' video by Rex Orange County. I didn't think we'd get any shots of me underwater though because we were shooting on an iPhone. My brother was like "I'm pretty sure this is water proof." I was like, I don't know man but we ended up just going for it. We got the shots and then his phone died. He plugged it up to charge and then the screen started glitching and shit. I was so hurt man, I thought we lost all the footage, but like thirty minutes later it started working again and we transferred everything to his laptop. It was wild, I'd never seen a phone come back to life after something like that. After that shoot, everything kinda shifted for me. I was like "oh, I can really just do this shit." Been riding that wave ever since.

youtube

PM: That’s an amazing story. Do you have a best memory of the last year, if it’s possible for you to pinpoint?

When I went to NYC in March. That was pretty dope, but to be honest, I feel like releasing Marco might be the highlight. The response has been wild. This Russian YouTuber put it on his playlist and now there's a bunch of people in Russia playing my music. Crazy. It's one thing for your friends and family to support you but getting support from strangers, people with no stake in my well-being, is the best feeling. I don't know if I've ever felt that to this extent.

PM: And as a final question, if you could recommend one movie to everyone reading currently, what would it be and why?

Well my favorite movie is "Superbad," but I feel like everyone's seen that right? So I'll go with "Rushmore." The main character in that movie is full of contradictions and on the surface he's pretty shitty. But you root for him, and you understand why he is the way he is by the end of the film. I feel like the world is lacking empathy right now. It also has Bill Murray in it so that's a plus

PM: Do you have anyone to shoutout or anything to promote? The floor is yours!

Yeah! shouts out to Chasen, Justin, and Sam for helping me make this shit. Also big shoutout to Raymond & Jerry! And check out "Marco" if you haven't yet!

Follow Binki On instagram

Listen on Soundcloud and Spotify

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badmuslim-blog1 · 6 years

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The Escape Plan

September 11, 2018

It’s become clear to me that my mother does not have any serious intention to get us out of this country and back home. Today she told my sisters she was going to register them into school here. Private English school. Of course that means she expects us to be here for at least 50% of the school year, and once they’ve begun the year it won’t make sense to go back until they’ve completed a full year.

I am not going to play the part she expects me to play in her farce. I know this can’t be the only option. The Canadian government cannot seriously expect Canadian citizens who have lost their passports for a second time while abroad to actually stay abroad for 8-10 months. It is complete and utter nonsense. There must be another way. I can’t really trust my mom to call the British embassy and inquire as to what they’re able to do in this situation. It’s true that on the Canadian website it says the British embassy has the power to assist with Canadian affair as there is no Canadian embassy in Iraq. But it’s also possible, I suppose, that that information is outdated. I clearly cannot trust my mom to inquire and tell me the truth. She’s lied about everything else so far, lied about why we were coming here, who we were going to see here and live with. Lied about having internet, about losing the passports, about not doing it on purpose, about intending to stay here instead of go back and why she did all this. Lying about letting me go to Mexico. Lied about letting me live my life. Lied about being on my side. Lied about understanding what’s best for me and what I want. Lied about looking out for my best interest. Sufficed to say the paper of trust has been properly crumbled to a crisp ball of “I wouldn’t trust you with a pack of gum”.

Now what next. What am I to do as a 21 year only Arab woman in Iraq, a country where it’s not safe for women to travel on their own, where its considered improper for women to even enter a police station. Improper for women to hail a taxi by themselves, to work, to be seen in public at night without being called a “woman of the night”, to breath out of turn. Well, I’ve got a plan.

I can’t take all my bags, 2 huge suitcases and a carry on? By myself? Not practical. I’ll have to chose whats most important and travel light. One carry on, one bag for my valuables, knick knacks that don’t fit in the carry on, and a small purse to wear across my shoulder.

I’ll take clothes, hygiene products, jewellery, my basic writing and art supplies, my laptop, a phone, Kleenex packs, sunscreen, glasses, steel water bottle, and finally: money. This is when I tell you I haven’t got any. I was stupid enough to think I wouldn’t need to bring any funds to this country, that my short month vacation would be taken care of by my mother, it’s not like I was planning on spending any real money here. It was just a family vacation, just supposed to see relatives, visit the shrines of the prophet’s Imams, his daughter, granddaughters, see the holy cities, have a great vacation with my mom and sisters one last time before I began my life away from them. I was naive, trusting, and well, unsuspecting.

I won’t make that mistake again.

I’m also not worried about my sisters, the messages I’ve read have indicated to me that she’s only here because of me and she’s staying because of me so if I leave, they’ll be freed too.

Stealing money and leaving is going to be tough, real tough. The front door is really loud and the money is in a wallet in their bedroom. And all that will have to be done in an impossible time frame. My sisters and I go to sleep at around 6am due to our conviction to maintain our sleep schedule according to Toronto Time Zone. 6am is precisely when both my mom and my bio-dad wake up. Not to mention the other times he wakes up in the night for prayer. Unpredictable times, sometimes 2:30am, sometimes just 3-4am. I kind of don’t want to leave too early and somehow get caught because there will be chaos and yelling and running and it will be a disaster and I don’t want to put my sisters through that in the middle of the night. Then again it is inevitable and will happen either way, I have to do what is best for my own survival. In other words, when will I make the best time. Another thing to consider is taxis, they’re not really available 24/7, they sleep too. And do I really want to chance it by getting in a taxi with a random stranger in the middle of the night? What if its some creep just waiting for me. Also the timing has to match with my cover story/fabricated backstory.

I am a woman who is traveling to meet up with her husband in Baghdad. I’m on my way from my family’s house in Karbala, they couldn’t travel with me because my father is sick and we don’t have anyone (a man in the family) else. My husband couldn’t come get me himself because he had sudden work come up so instead we are calling and texting at every intersection so I don’t get lost. In reality there won’t be anyone on the other end when I hold up a turned off phone to my ear. But at least I can fake it, I can fake a husband that really cares about my wellbeing and where I am at every moment. Plenty of men are like that, especially here in Iraq so thats easy. I will have long winded endless conversations about how his brothers work in Kut went and whether the courts ruled in his favour. I’ll talk about how his mom’s surgery went and how her eyes are healing, and how sorry I am that I wasn’t there to take care of her after it but luckily my sister in law, her daughter, was there to see to it she was taken care of after the eye surgery. Then my husband will ask for the name of the man driving so he can send his regards and thank him for delivering me safely. Hotels will get the same treatment.

Or I might just end up in one of those large vans with a bunch of other people, that’ll be a little more complicated. But it’s safer I’ve heard, more witnesses, people around. Right now I’m still waiting on a reply to my email from the embassy, and I need to arrange for my phone to be replaced, since mine went missing over a month ago. Sorry, “went missing” a month ago. Can never be sure with this bunch. And I don’t want to leave without a way for them to contact me because a search for a daughter that you don’t know is dead or alive is far more dramatic and desperate than a search for one that just doesn’t want to be found. I’d prefer the latter, probably will keep the relatives from catching wind too.

#escape #hostage #stealth #steal #survival #survive #get out #getaway #embassy #abroad #stuck abroad #fake it #runaway #run away #women #dangerous #traveling alone #alone #plan

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missrosienorris · 6 years

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Life at the moment

So, in my last post I set up some goals for myself. Now, the truth is that I quite rarely accomplish my goals, partially because I apparently tend to set them a bit high at times and partially because I have the patience of a gnat and am not good with long projects that require a lot of planning and time. (As attested to by my atrocious, still-not-finished thesis. It’s not the amount of work as it is really not much harder than my day job, it’s having the patience to keep at it, especially when it’s boring af.) This time I did surprisingly well, even though it didn’t go exactly as I had planned it out.

Firstly, I said I would find myself a therapist. The situation on that front took an unexpected but somewhat interesting turn that I find myself increasingly cool with. But let me start by saying that HOLY SHIT trying to find a therapist in Finland is a garbage process and someone really needs to get on that. First of all, you get no help, zip, nada, zero. You have to scour the internet yourself and try to weed out some candidates in a sea of lacking descriptions, lacking contact information, lacking everything. But I am adept at the internet, so I did.

I wrote ten therapists who seemed to somewhat fit my criteria (which were pretty much woman, CBT-leaning, experienced and available to take on new patients). Half of them never replied, three weren’t able to take on new patients even though their sites said they were, one was in the middle of some iffy moving arrangement that I didn’t feel like dealing with and the only one I actually met started the session by telling me how lackluster my prognosis was and then when I talked about my family she explained how she knows that although we’re so big on equality nowadays she always sees these mental health problems in families where the mother is more in control than the father, and I was like yeah. No.

So at this point I was like fuck me, this is hopeless. But then I had a chat with the psychologist that’s covered by my healthcare benefits at work, and she was like “you know, we just made a deal about what kind of healthcare will be covered by your employer this year, and they’re going to cover group therapy. I think that could work pretty well for your situation, would you be interested in it?” Now in the past I was socially awkward to a painful degree so I had always ruled out group therapy from the get-go, so my first instinct was to decline, but then I though about it some and changed my mind. Over the last few years I have found that I’m actually rather sociable, my social skills have improved considerably and opening up about my mental health issues to perfect strangers has never been an issue for me as I don’t keep that stuff secret anyway so I though hey, why not give it a shot.

So that’s what I’m doing. It’s still in it’s infancy, as I have only done the two initial interviews so far and not met the group yet, but I am feeling really good about it. The psychologist who will be running the group is very experienced and also quite nice as a person, I feel like she gets me and perhaps best of all, she has no problem with using hard science and medical terminology, which is immensely helpful to me. I don’t believe it’s healthy to be excessively focused on diagnosis since mental health is so complex and variable, but I find that having a label for some of the soup that is my mind helps me de-clutter and honestly makes me feel less like a crazy person. For example, I had realized that my constantly low mood probably isn’t normal and my intense health worries are rather obsessive, but hearing a professional actually say “PDD” and “OCD” sort of validates that the problem isn’t just that I’m a weird-ass dingbat and overreacting, I have some legit disorders and that isn’t my fault. (Which obviously doesn’t mean that I don’t need to do anything about them or that I can use them as an excuse for behaving like a shit, don’t worry, I’m not going down that route.) Her using the proper terms and not being vague and roundabout also makes me feel like I’m being treated like an adult and not babied, which is important to me since I really really hate being treated like I lack the ability to comprehend shit. So that’s where that’s at, and I’m feeling optimistic.

Secondly, I said I would resolve my existing vet bills, set aside some money for unexpected vet expenses, get older cat’s stomach under control and make sure the new cats have insurance. This I have mostly done. The bills are paid, and although I have not technically set aside a specific sum of money I now have a credit card that is reserved for unexpected vet bills only. I have not used it at all yet. Older cat’s stomach is still acting up some, it appears he has a bit of IBD, but the diet and medication has been re-vamped again and the situation has improved. And pet insurance has been added to my insurance package, although obviously it does not cover older cat due to the large amount of pre-existing conditions. But it covers the babies.

Third, the babies. That has been an interesting ride. I did adopt from a shelter as I said I would, but the cats ended up being a girl and a boy instead of two girls like I had planned, not that that matters much. The thing that went funny is the age. They were estimated to be around 6 months of age, and they were about the typical size for that age so I thought nothing of it. But when they had been with me for about a week I took the boy to the vet because he was peeing like 7 or 8 times a day which is quite often and I wanted to make sure he didn’t have a UTI. (Which he didn’t. Apparently he just has a small bladder.) Anyway, during the examination the vet checked his teeth and was like “yeah, this one is definitely like 1-2 years old rather than 6 months, his teeth are quite developed and really need a cleaning”. So he’s technically not a baby, and I need to have his teeth cleaned, but honestly that’s no biggie, shit happens. I was slightly peeved that the shelter hadn’t checked the teeth, that’s pretty routine, but they were very cooperative when I reported it to them and are even paying a part of the cost of the cleaning, so it’s all good. I don’t blame them for being mistaken about the age, because he is very small for an adult cat and the vet told me it’s actually rather difficult to determine a cat’s age. So we’re heading in for a teeth cleaning in about a week, and I’m taking the girl with me too so the vet can check whether her age estimate was more accurate (they are not from the same litter, they just lived together at one of the shelter volunteers’ place while looking for a home). She is growing a bunch though, which he doesn’t seem to be, so her estimate might be closer to the truth. And if it isn’t, whatever. They’re sweet, sterile, chipped, vaccinated and checked for FIV and FeLV, and that’s way more important than the age being bang on the mark.

The first weeks with the newbies have gone nicely. I will refer to them as girl kitty and boy kitty for now, since I guess at least for the boy, kitten wouldn’t be accurate and the girl is honestly already too big in size to be called a kitten because she really grows like a weed. Both have adjusted really well to their new environment despite being very shy at first. Older cat has taken well to them too and there has been almost zero conflict between them and him, I think he hissed at girl kitty like once when she was being too forward and that was it. Now they all sleep in the same bed and particularly girl kitty and older cat are becoming very close.

Girl kitty is still a little reserved towards people and you can’t really pick her up yet, but if you let her come to you on her own accord she is quite friendly and cuddly. She seems like she might become quite a big cat and has quite strong legs, so she jumps and climbs a lot. She’s quite playful, but a bit shy about playing with people. She’s constantly getting braver though, so I think she might be more people-loving in the future. (And if she isn’t, that’s fine too. Not every cat has to love sitting on your lap or being picked up, as long as it’s possible to handle them if they need to be given medicine or boxed up for travel it’s all dandy.)

Boy kitty on the other hand is quite a people-lover. He often rolls around on his back on the floor looking for cuddles and is fine with being picked up as well. He is not yet quite sure about sitting on your lap for more than a little while, but I have a feeling he might be the type to do that in the future. One thing he hasn’t quite comprehended yet is that people aren’t toys and don’t really like being nibbled on, even if the nibbles are obviously playful and definitely not bites. So I’m trying to teach him that, hopefully he’ll pick up on it. Boy kitty is extremely active and playful and will play with people, other cats, by himself, whatever works. He’s not as good a jumper as girl kitty but quite adept at climbing. He’s also a bit of a rascal and has already chewed a pair of my headphones and sometimes annoys girl kitty with his roughhousing. But in general they like each other quite well, they often sleep on top of each other and lick each other’s coats.

So that’s life at the moment. I still miss younger cat heaps, dream about her and cry about her regularly, but I think I’ll live. And older cat isn’t lonely anymore, which has done him good, so that’s a big relief.

#cats #mental health

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katherineshep · 6 years

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A coolest experience in a while

Have drawn out half a 30-sheeted sketchbook in one evening. How? Oh, it's a nice story to tell...

Today I've had maybe the most hardcore and in the same time exciting drawing experience I could get, not studying for an artist - I was drawing from a model. In drawing class.

First, it always seems to me that I'm missing interesting events, in recent times I need more and more bright emotions - to nourish my creative abilities, for example, and also so the unpleasant daily routine didn't ruin my mood. So when this drawing class jumped on me in Google results (because few days ago I accidentally googled affiche of interesting events in my city instead of movie affiche), I just couldn't miss the possibility, especialy when drawing of full body from a living model to have some insights on body anatomy is just super-cool for any beginner artist. So I ordered my place in the event and was in great anticipation of today's evening.

First, the place where class was held was just adorable. Kyiv has plenty of plants that have bankrupted or that were plundered bolt by bolt, so the forgotten plant buildings are sold to people who can make these walls a thing of art by making it a loft-style exhibition or conference halls, coworkings, stylish caffeteria or whatever that building will fit for. The building I came to was one of those long time ago abandoned plants, especially the first floor with its 7-meters-high ceiling (that first floor was definitely a manufactory itself and once there were machine-tools which assembled the details for ships). Brick walls and all and ventilation (and god knows what else) tubes at the ceiling were painted in white, which, along with beautiful lightbulb chaplets that lighted the hall in warm colour, made the hall very bright and cozy. There was a tiny stage at the center of the hall with chairs set around it - lots on the front side, some on the rear side. The hall was empty because I messed up the time and came too early, so I had enough time to see all the new place and even to go grab a coffee.

Then, when the time came, people began to gather. I did not expect much people at first, but when the master of the event was doing the last preparations for the class, he told me that they gather here every week for around three years now (that's when I clearly felt that I must be wandering not the right places in the Internet XD ). When the standing chairs were filled by half, I understood that at least half of people who came there today have met here pretty much - there were lots of friendly talks out there.

More people were coming. The masters of the event have brought free tea and drinks. Artists were unpacking their sketchbooks, albums, pencils, pastels, one girl had a set of Copic markers (they are daaamn expensive here so I was like "ohh there's those markers of my dream, OH MY" - not that I am experienced enough to paint with markers at the moment, but still, a person must aim for new heights or there won't be a progress). Though, the view of Promarkers which my neighbour put at the chair near her have plastered my gaze to them as well XD I've read they're very good and I was curious in actually seeing someone drawing with them, you know, as a live test and inspiration.

In few minutes all the chairs were taken, even there was need in more of them, because there was about 35 artists sitting there (good that that hall we were in had chairs to fill all the hall while the class was using about a quarter of all the space), and they were of all ages. Finally I saw the girl in a sample dress near the stage, in few seconds she took off her wear and walked up the stairs to stand on the stage in the light of floodlights.

What a model we had! First of all, I was in complete awe - she had eastern face (I mean, chinese, or japanese, or korean - I'm not good at defining precisely, no such experience). Not that it was super-rare to see a person with eastern face, but we're definitely not the country young people from Korea or Japan might dream to live in, so if we have some people with that appearance, it's either those few tourists that happened to stay here, or just Ukrainians who have one or both parent of eastern roots. Meeting a drawing model is rare, having an eastern drawing model is a jackpot.

Along with that, only a few days ago I've tried to sketch eastern faces, african faces and indian ones, as these people have slightly different facial features from our common europoid face type. I've got Shepard's father to sketch, after all, I have to know how to draw the face that gave my Shep eastern features)

The model chose a pose, and the master commanded to begin drawing.

In first two seconds it was odd to see a person completely undressed - in not an intimate athmosphere, I mean. But then the oddity was gone, as well as the thoughts of watching my neighbours' work were forgotten - I had 5 seconds (!) to make my sketch before the model changes the pose. The order was following: a bunch of five-seconds sketches, few of 10 seconds then, twenty seconds per sketch, thirty seconds. A minute (thank god!), then five, ten, fifteen. Saying sincerely, at first 5-seconds-sketching I didn't manage to even have a decent curves or something, so I decided to practice skeletons (I mean these, they help to build angles and length of limbs correctly). Ten seconds didn't give much help, the proportions of were just awful. On fifteen (or the next step was twenty?) I learned to draw skeletons faster than before and to give pretty good pose, given the scarcity of time. And - you know, this extreme warm-up is actually one of the best training of speed of drawing and fast capturing the basic points of the figure by eye. You instantly feel like your eyes become sharper, your feelings crystallize, your hand glides the paper with pencil more easy (and the best-looking drawings are those which are drawn with confidence, I usually create those in a MASSIVE inspiration flow, and when it subsides, I cannot see whether I draw right lines anymore). The more time I was given, the more detail I could add, the more I could capture with precise and even measure the model's body parts with a pencil when my eyes failed me. Then the count was is minutes, and after few poses we finally had a break - after more than an hour of fast sketching.

That was the moment when I withdrew my gaze from a model and felt... so aliiive and massively mindfucked at the same time. I walked around the hall, had some tea and had a talk with one girl in the row after me. In a row with many other things we discussed drawing instruments, and then I noticed an awesomely shadowed drawing in her album. I asked how to make such a beauty in such a short time...

She drew a messy hatching in one line with the side (!) of her hand-sharpened 6B Koh-I-Noor pencil and then wiped the drawn area with a finger, giving a bigger pressure to one side of the area and lesser to another.

There was a peeeerfect shade. And that felt like supernova exploding in my head - I knew that technique of shading, but as well as my drawing class teacher in university taught me to do separate hatches, I was usind said technique. Shading with wiping the area felt a very long and tiresome work... but hell, it only needed a very soft pencil to use that way of shading! It was so obvious! A girl explained, that my mechanical pencil is good too, but it'll need so many more hatching that it'll slow me down.

So I took one of my usually unused Koh-I-Noors from my pencil box (luckily, I've had 3B) and used it for a next sketch.

The second session had three poses of 20 minutes each. Then I saw the results of the advice of my new friend: shading with soft pencil was like +100500 boost to my shading skill. The sketch I was drawing now looked much more real than any of the previous (and by 10-minutes sketches I managed to make 2 pretty decent, but they lacked shading because I had no time to hatch them with separate lines my mechanical pencil produced).

That was the best my work in this evening. During the next pose my brain become exhausted and I was loosing an ability to see proportions and shades. But I went on - I had to.

The model took a beautiful fabric to hold with her for the last sketch. Damn, that woman was a Goddess at all, with or without a cloth, in every pose she made, in the way she looked. You know, when you start learning to draw and you sketch people, and in most perfect case - strangers in the public places, you try to absorb the details of their faces and eventually start to see a beauty in every feature, then - in combination of them. Some features can be not perfect, but they combine on a person's face in such a way that all together is truly beautiful! Then you understand how unique each of us are. Then you start to be excited with human body - all the smallest noticeable facial expressions, how the light caresses the skin, how the tiny wrinkles at the outer corner of the eye reveal a person who smiles a lot. Sometimes you not only see an emotion (joy, sadness) or the state of a person (for example, his/her anticipation or tiredness), but also the trace of experience from their life on their faces, like wrinkled forehead shows the person who is being confused a lot in his life.

And here, with a model in front of you, you notice some things - like whether the belly is flat or whether you like breasts shape - for only a moment! Let's face the truth, we are being constantly fed with beauty standards from TV and magazines so the thought of that sort may show at first. But then in like two seconds those tiny imperfections do not bother you anymore. Because you're an artist at work, you see the beauty in human body and you must pass it on, that's your purpose in this moment. Then you get to know the feeling, that whatever that body is, it really IS beautiful as a creation of life, and there can be beauty in any of model's unique features. The pesron in front of you is a masterpiece of nature even without a body of a top model, and you must respect that. You must carefully put that beauty into your drawing - not lying, not giving your figure on a sketch the features she doesn't have. When you draw a real person, you must be sincere as mush as you can, only then you give proper respect to that person's unique nature.

I've being pulling the last drawing untild the model started to TURN. Slowly, but to turn away from you - and you can't have the same pose from where you are anymore. That's when my tired brain started to guess the wrong shades and lines to finish the sketch, and I had to stop so the drawing wasn't ruined. Better it be unfinished, but beautiful sketch, than the messed up drawing.

So I got up to my feet and silently walked behind all the chairs - to have a secret look at other artists' works. Every of the artists had different style, instruments, techniques: while one made a pencil sketch, others managed to draw a full-coloured drawings. They also had very different level of profficiency, but that didn't stop any of them. On the contrary, you mustn't stop when the drawing, a hard thing actually, doesn't goes as planned at first - because every your sketch is a tiny stone in a foundation of your skill, an if you want to build something above the ground - forge yourself as an artist with a constant work.

So, after that walk, the light discomfort I, a damn beginner, felt in a hall full of drawing people finally fully subsided.

Now - I'm very tired and sleepy, because drawing, especially so fast and unusual, is a hard mental work.

But it was one of the greatest evenings since... maybe the last cosplay festival. And along with feeling exhausted, I feel very much content.

/And sorry if you see any typos. I strongly need a rest now, but I coundn't not to leave this as I, well, like to write down bright moments of life so there were nice warming posts for me to reread and recall once again./

#drawing #theartistsway #artists on tumblr #artists of tumblr #katherineshepart #irl #katshep talks #positive #sketching #inspiration

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therealdanadistortion · 6 years

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James Murphy, I Love You But You're Bringing Me Down, or, Why I Decided to Forgive LCD Soundsystem

LDC SOUNDSYSTEM SHOT BY DANA DISTORTION FOR BROOKLYNVEGAN

It took me a long time to realize what my real problem was with LCD Soundsystem, but after many years of trying to photograph them and see them live, I finally did.

Yes, in 2011 LCD Soundsystem dramatically announced their break-up, to be followed by a goodbye show at Madison Square Garden. I stood in line at 5 a.m. in the freezing cold for hours just trying to get tickets to this goodbye show. Yes, I loved them that much. Yes, it was just the beginning of my music photography career and I couldn’t score free tickets for that show. Yes, I had never seen LCD Soundsystem before, and now, this would be my very last chance to do so.

Well......now we all know that wasn't really the case. But back then, at 5 a.m. dancing to someone’s boombox on a cold February morning blasting LCD Soundsystem just trying not to freeze to death, we didn't know that at all. Here's a video from that frigid morning if you don't believe me!

vimeo

VIDEO SHOT FEBRUARY 11TH 201. MORE VIDEOS fROM THAT DAY HERE

The love of music kept us going in the biting cold, waiting and waiting for our chance to buy a ticket. And that same love turned into incredible anger once I finally got to the front of the line, only to be shockingly cut off and told the show had sold out. Even after everyone in line had already been counted hours before and promised to get tickets. Did I mention how cold it was???

Most people buy their tickets online and wouldn't put themselves through something crazy like that to go see an artist they love. But my fellow superfans will sympathize, as they know how hurtful, disappointing, and even devastating it can be to be unable to get tickets to a show you really want to see.

I went home in tears. My body took some time to get back to a normal temperature, and of course, this was followed by a whole week when I was sick as a dog. I know it was my choice to do this, but allowing fans to stand out in the cold (without even scoring a ticket) is simply a cruel move I will never understand. Do bands try to test their fans? What is this about? Why are tickets to shows with high demand sold physically nowadays, when there is the internet? Especially on such a cold day, and it was a work day for many.

I don't know if I need to remind anyone what happened next, but that show I was so desperate to get into was now not only NOT LCD Soundsystem’s final show, it was merely one of a whole bunch of goodbye shows. Actually, a ridiculous number of goodbye shows. Calling them “goodbye shows” became really crass at some point. Seriously.

Those added “goodbye” shows might have been great news for most LCD Soundsystem fans, but for someone who stood on that cold line all morning and was not able to even get a ticket, it wasn’t even bittersweet news. It was simply bitter.

I did eventually get a ticket to one of those first “goodbye” shows on Ticketmaster, but ended up giving it to a friend. There was something in me that just couldn't go to that show. After all that, I just didn’t want to go. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was lied to. I felt like this whole “goodbye” thing was a joke, a scam, a calculated, wrong move toward us true fans. Maybe it wasn't thought out too much, maybe no one in the band’s world realized what had happened that morning. Either way, I wanted nothing to do with that LCD Soundsystem anymore.

And to make things even worse, not too long after, we all discovered I was right. After that dramatic multi-show break-up, a documentary film, and an almost comic explanation letter from James Murphy, less than four years later, LCD Soundsystem was back. And not only they were back, they were back big time. That show was certainly not the band's last, as LCD Soundsystem play at least a seven-show run every time they play nowadays, and let me tell you, they sure play often now.

I was seriously embittered about this whole charade for a long time. Every time the name of the band would come up I would start bashing them, saying I would never take photos or see them live ever again.

Well, I don't know what happened, but one day I realized I don't wanna punish LCD Soundsystem anymore. I also knew that I was really only punishing myself, as they don't know or care about my feelings. Yes, the music won. I let the music win.

My real problem with LCD Soundsystem that I finally realized is that I don't get James Murphy. I don't understand why he acts the way he does. Is he an asshole? Does he not care about his fans? Is he just a confused human being? Is he on heavy drugs?

So I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot over the past few months. Forgiveness and kindness are things I've been trying to work on for a big part of my life. It has become really important to me to try to not take things so personally. To not act from my ego, or to take something to heart that has absolutely nothing to do with me.

I have realized it's more important to be a good person to others—and mostly to myself—than to spend hours asking myself why was this done to me, why did this happen, what did I do to deserve this, why did this guy break my heart?

Yes, we all get hurt, and all the time. I don’t think anyone should act like a robot, or even worse, be in denial about one's true emotions. That can lead to even worse things! But I do truly believe we have the power to decide or control how we respond to the events that happen in our lives, or to which extent we react, and on how long we linger over the pain we feel.

If someone doesn’t want to be with me, I don't ask myself 'what is wrong with me?' I simply say, “It could be that I don't fire that man's guns, maybe there’s no chemistry, maybe he's not emotionally available, maybe he's still hung up on someone else, maybe I'm just not the right person or what he's looking for.” There could be a million reasons. But the bottom line is that if he doesn't want to be with me, there is nothing wrong with that. Someone else will. Sometimes we like someone more than they like us, and sometimes it’s the reverse.

I also understand that not everyone has to like me. We live in an era where popularity seems to be the most important characteristic. Why are we on a constant chase to be loved and liked? Love is a basic need, but why do we ask for the love or approval of strangers or people we might not even know? Many people don't like me or don't understand me. Some will say I'm the nicest person and some will say I'm a bitch, but you know what? It really depends on which day you meet me. I allow myself to be myself. This will never change. I don't care how many people like me, I will still stand my ground and be true to who I am. I do my best not offend or hurt anyone, but you know what, I can’t always please everyone. The truth is I don't really want to. I'm happy to have great relationships in my life, and I’d rather focus on that.

People get hurt, it’s just a part of life. Learning to move forward is the key. I don't know about you, but I choose happiness. I would rather forgive and not be bitter or feel unhappy or like a victim.

I like to take control over my life. I get hurt, I feel sad, and then I move on. Maybe sometimes it's hard to forgive right away, but working towards that is always the ultimate goal.

So yeah James Murphy, I don't get you. I don't get why you do what you do and the way you choose to do it, but I also realized this is not for me to understand. I don't want what happened years ago—or even now—to affect my love for your music. I have decided to move on from the past and just enjoy your work.

I forgive you LCD Soundsystem. I forgive you James Murphy.

Maybe you’ll decide tomorrow to break up the band again. Shit happens. If you do, however, I won’t be standing out in the cold in line trying to get tickets to your farewell show (or shows). Maybe because I'm older now, maybe because the fire is no longer there, maybe because I can probably score free tickets. No matter what happens, I'm glad I finally got my closure and got to see your band LCD Soundsystem live for the very first time last night. This time around, I didn't even have to stand in line to get in.

*Click HERE to see the full galley of Photos I’ve shot at BrooklynSteel For Brooklynvegan

#brooklynsteel #lcd soundsystem #LCD #Music #musicphotographer #james murphy #rock #cold #standing in line #story #stories #letter #memories #memory #love

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thelifeunlearned · 6 years

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writing to ease the stress from this awful, unrealistic feeling of wanting to fade someone on sight.

and then letting sleeping dogs lie, like my mama used to say.

read it or don’t. this is more for my sanity than anything else.

In the past month, a man I went to undergrad with tried to embarrass my ol’ lady on Twitter, not once, but twice, because of pent up angst stemming from a debate that he and my wife had about Hillary Clinton a whole year ago.

With the exception of one person that I witnessed, our mutual acquaintances, many of whom are much closer to him, either sat by idly and watched his bizarre behavior unfold unchecked, or they encouraged it…

not particularly because he was right, but because it was entertaining (we live for the drama) and/or they, too, feel some type of way about my wife and I for one reason or another. Nevertheless, when someone told him that he was behaving like a dick, he responded, “What if I said you were acting like a b*tch?” And still, to my knowledge, no one checked him on this either.

Fast-forward to this week, I divulged that the same man who has been trying to put my wife on the Super Jam screen from a stance of intellectual and moral superiority, also drunkenly used transphobic language in a random, one-off conversation with me at bar during homecoming just a few years prior. I felt like, and still feel like, the image that he is trying to portray on the internet is wildly incongruent with what I experienced not that long ago.

Then, and only then, a close guy friend of his interjected in all this. This friend of his boldly insinuated that I was lying, and that his friend who:

violated common, social courtesies and tried to rehash a year-old debate;

publicly tried to embarrass someone he loosely knows and went to school with, someone whose spouse he loosely knows and went to school with;

thought a gendered-insult was equivalent to “acting like a dick;”

made a thinly-veiled hyper masculine joke about my use of a phrase specific to gay culture

this person would neeeever use transphobic language, dog.

As someone who generally keeps to myself, as a couple who generally keep to ourselves, all this has been wild, but it has reinforced a few things:

People do not check their friends when witnessing them doing something shady. Our relationships are more about sentimentality than truth, so we allow people in our circles who we’ve known for 10+ years to wild out, but press strangers when we think their behavior is unacceptable. It totally defeats the purpose of having a bunch of friends if none of them will hold you accountable when you showing your ass.

People, men especially, will jump out there blindly to protect and defend their friends who’ve been called out, regardless of the facts and evidence to the contrary. Because we often fail to realize that people are complex and that people we like/love/respect can still do and say problematic things to others. Especially when inebriated.

Social media shortens the distance between us, and makes us feel like we’re closer than we really are. So, instead of unfollowing/blocking people whose opinions you no longer vibe with/people who just flat out annoy you, or accepting that someone may have disassociated from you online, people think they’re owed direct conversations and explanations when others lose interest in what they have to say.

You can completely mind your business, and people will still take issue with you. And I’ll be the first to admit that I can be extremely pretentious online regarding people’s failure, intentional or otherwise, to grapple with the complexities of poverty—its causes, its cures , and poor folks existence within a system that blames them for their own oppression. So, I can see why people might take issue with me and the way I speak about this, because I don’t pull no punches when speaking to ideas that I find flawed. (Particularly coming from degreed folk who are shamelessly elitist because of where they went to school and move like they have nothing to fix or unlearn). But what I don’t do is initiate personal attacks at people themselves. And I would never try to put them on blast, unprovoked. But I’ve [un]learned I can’t expect people with zero degrees of separation from me, to do the same in return.

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weloseeveryweek · 7 years

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my football day

Jersey on, scarf above head and singing the football anthem at the top of the lungs with thousands of fans in the stadium. Nope. That is not really how my football day looks like. My football day or should I say football routine can sometimes start way earlier before the kick off day. It usually starts by searching for information of the fixtures and me with zero experience of playing football trying to be a football pundit. Time zone apparently a bigger enemy than the opponent as games can go from 10pm to wee hours. Being eight hours earlier than GMT which means dates posted in websites are confusing as hell. It can sometimes post a problem such as waking up at 2am just to find out that the game is on the next day. Yup. True story. But that did not stop a passionate fan from watching the beautiful game. Like all other Asian fans, I can assure you that we are probably the most passionate bunch of footie fans. I bet most of y'all from the west never had the problem of watching games at odd hours but we suffer this problem week in week out. The torturing of time zone is real but we still do it for football. And that is what I call dedication.

Sometimes the local radio station would pump us up as early as Thursday or Friday for the big matches but otherwise Saturday mornings are the start of the routine. Confidence can range from super confident to nail biting, depending on the opponent. As the game draws closer, the confidence level will go down from ‘We got this!’, 'I think we will win.’, 'Please win this, I beg you!’ to 'You better win this game or I will burn this merchandise!’. But thankfully the burn tally is still zero until this date thanks to my cheapskate self that never allow me to do so. Couple of hours before the game, it is the social media time. It is not much of gathering useful information of the game but mostly about stalking player’s Instagram and having playful bantering with friends. When the staring line up comes out, the football pundit in me begins to work again. If the line up consist of players perform constantly well throughout the season, the confidence level will rise like a firework. If it is someone that has been doing badly for the last two games, I will freak out and question the abilities of the coach.

The football routine is slightly different depending on who’s game I am watching and how big the game is. I don’t really have a fixed routine or ritual as I was never a superstitious person. But there are a few things that I enjoy doing just for the sake of it. I like to have an Auntie Anne’s pretzel before a German football game or some cookies from Mark and Spencer during an English game. I would drink beer during Premier League games too. But don’t worry, I’m over the legal drinking age. Otherwise I am fine with whatever snacks that I manage to salvage from the fridge. My team does not score more because of me snacking on specific items but I still do it anyway. Most of the time I just wear the same colours as the club jersey just to represent my team. Sometimes if I forgot it was match day until an hour before kick off, I just continue wearing whatever I already have but the very least, I will make sure I am NOT wearing the opposition’s colour. For big games, I would wear jerseys if I have them. They don’t bear any names at the back because putting a name on an overpriced T shirt is like getting a tattoo. You only have that one chance and the result is permanent. I love too many players and I feel that I would regret if I pick one. I will either feel bad for my other boys that I ignored or I would feel sick starring at a person’s name that I no longer like. Anyway, I have to be fair to everyone. Some would suggest putting our own name but that to me just seem too self indulgent and I don’t really want strangers to know my name. Truth to be told I only have National Team jerseys where I wear them during big games. I have still yet to own a club jersey as I am still not sure if spending on 50 pounds on a Standard Chartered T shirt is worth the money. But the 2017/18 home jersey looks tempting. Hmm.

For Borussia Dortmund games or any German related game, a German Shepherd plushie will accompany me throughout the game. I would also chat with two of my closest Dortmund buddies Ms A and Ms J (not the one from America’s Next Top Model) that I get to know through social media. As a female sports junkie living in a country with a mind set of the 50s, bless the internet for being such an amazing platform for me to meet people that lives on the other side of the world. I am very glad to have two wonderful ladies that I share the same passion and philosophies not only in football but in life as well. Ms A is the calm and mature one that always sometimes sprout out some words of wisdom. She always remain positive and cool. I love the fact that she roots for underdogs and dark horses. She is the one that I go to for comfort when I needed some. And then there is Ms J whom always nut with me before and during games. She is the one that gets me pumped up for the games and I will always be the one who comforts her. If the team wins, we would scream and shout for the rest of the week. If the team losses, we both cry to each other. Live messaging with Ms J during Dortmund games are probably one of the best part of football experience and I hope we could do it more often.

The Liverpool routine is a bit unique. It is the only time that I actually watch press conferences on a regular basis. And now, it has become a must watch even if I had to miss the actual game. I could not remember when I start youtubing the pre and post press conference of Jürgen Klopp but what I can assure you that this routine will not end anytime soon. Kloppo always has good things to say about the players and his positivity is infectious to the players and fans. He makes you feel better especially when we are down, which is essential for me before and after a match. Right before the game starts, I would have my Liverpool T shirt and scarf with me. Sometimes it is just the scarf. If the game is on Sunday night, I would visit the Liverpool shop that is coincidentally nearby the church. Window shopping in the shop has been a norm for me although there isn’t really much to see. Some of the stuff are 3 years old and those same Brendan Rodgers mini figurines are still sitting on the shelves. Don’t they understand nobody wants Rodgers figurines even if they are free? We want Kloppo! I am still waiting for the miniature Klopp figurine but they never sell it separately. They only sell it in a set with the starting 11 players. The big ones are available but it would cost an arm so that is out of the question. By the time I feel like buying the whole set of 2016/17 players, the set has already sold. Dammit.

If the games are on the same time, I have to choose which one to watch. Since dad only watches English Premier League among the club games, Liverpool games are mostly the ones I end up watching. He is my football companion for the English games which is both fun and frustrating. Dad claims to be a neutral football fan but there are some teams that he likes more than others. What I observed is that he likes Manchester City and a little bit of Liverpool. The heart breaking part is dad likes to pour cold water on my favourite team or player. And for some odd reason, Liverpool never fails to give us plot twists. However, both of us enjoy making fun of top teams especially Manchester United when they lose. I don’t really hate the club itself but somehow they managed to recruit a number of unlikable people over the years. Now Mourinho is there we drag them even further. I am not ashamed to say that part of the entertainment of football is the coaches reaction, especially Klopp, Mourinho and Guardiola. Klopp is definitely our favourite in a positive way. And Mourinho/Arsene drama is better than those soap operas.

Mom would sometimes join the group probably due to curiosity. She would ask questions and I would suddenly become a football professor. I am proud to share my knowledge even though I know she will forget everything on the next hour. Mom does not really follow sports but she does know a few household names. For tennis, she could name the top guns such as Federer, Nadal, Murray, Djokovic, Sharapova and the William sisters. She also knows the famous badminton players by face like Lin Dan and Lee Chong Wei. In Formula One she knows Schumacher and Räikkönen. But in football it is a different story. If you ask mom about Ronaldo or Messi she would reply you that she knows nothing about them. So apparently both of them are not popular enough for mom. The only player she knows is Manuel Neuer. She does not know him by name, but every time Neuer is on the telly she would become enthusiastic and say 'Hey, is that the German goalkeeper?’. Mom is frustrating at times too as she would sometimes root for the opponent. When I question her loyalties to her daughter, her answer is that someone needs to support the other team. And apparently it is a mom thing to support the opponent because Ms J’s mom is like that too.

Win, lose or draw is not the most important thing in the world. Life still goes on despite the results but the unique memories of watching the beautiful game will always remain in my heart. As the game ended, I start to youtube for the press conference and google search for moments of the match. I look forward to the next match and repeat the whole process again.

No, wait. Is it a Saturday or Sunday game again?

#liverpool #lfc #GOD THE ASIAN FAN PROBLEM #i hate it SO MUCH #cries about mk dons still #thanks for submitting!!#prompt resonse #submission

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undergroundbandimagines · 3 years

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Why Online Dating Can Be a Relief When You’re Over 30

I wonder if they’re single? A question that becomes more annoying the older you get…

Photo by Martin Wettstein on Unsplash

As I get nice and settled into my mid 30s, I realize I work on the assumption that people my age are not available for dating until proven otherwise. It’s not upsetting, it’s just a safe bet.

Now, wait, hold on a second. I rock that single life a whole lot. Other people my age are single sometimes too, of course; I know this. But it’s just the truth that the older you get, the less singletons are prowling around. Compared to the more experimental relationships of our 20s, we know that age tends to bring more stable and long-term relationships that are less likely to end any time soon. It’s just statistics. Sure, folks are coupling later in life than previous generations, but the trend remains. People tend to get themselves coupled up over time. The dating pool gets smaller. That is a fact.

Why do I feel totally fine assuming people my age (at work/in the store/at a party) aren’t single? Because I have options and I know how to use them. (What is that lovely saying about feminism without agency?)

Enter online dating: the place we can go knowing there are a ton of single people. No guessing. No pining after folks we can’t have. And no longer do we have to think about the archetypical speed dating scenes of embarrassed or despondent singles wearing name tags and shifting down a line of singles at some event. Now, there are multiple competing markets to gather all the date-ables in one digital area and have us mingle with truly available people at our leisure. There’s even this new video dating thing that’s catching on and it’s pretty snazzy. Huzzah.

Now, listen. I don’t cut myself off completely from being open to dating folks I meet offline. That works sometimes too. I’ve had some travel fun. I’ve gone to an adult birthday party where there was a single dude before (one single dude, wowwww, what choices).

Hey, I have day jobs in industries filled with men and if I wanted to date at work, I could certainly try. I’ve done it before. Funny, there are zero times it didn’t have complications or needed to be a secret in the beginning. And personally, I don’t like coworkers meddling with my flirt game. I once mentioned off-handedly that I thought a coworker was “my type” and next thing I knew he was suddenly hanging around and putting on a show all the time. He had been tipped off high school rumor style and now my power to choose if I wanted to pursue it on my own terms was gone.

There are always good reasons I don’t date at work — conflict of interest relating to my position at work being one of them. Not everyone feels comfortable dating at work and a lot of times, that’s a pretty small and steady pool if you’re not doing a job that interacts with the public.

The same goes for friends of friends or family recommendations. Honestly, I don’t meet many new people through my close circle and when I do, I feel there is something larger at stake and the risk is not mine alone. Instead of me exploring how I feel about someone on my own, I might feel a pressure to make it work. When things don’t go well, your social circles can experience some drama and it’s more upsetting and meaningful in an older group of friends than a bunch of college pals at a frat party (okay, I didn’t go to frat parties, but whatever gatherings you attended at 22). We’re friggin’ adults now. We have more at stake with our connections.

Oh, and meeting a nice single guy at a coffee shop or local bookstore? If I relied on that method, I would be hard pressed to date more than once a year. C’mon with that whole thing.

And what about the introverts? So many folks struggle very hard with putting themselves out there in social situations and feel uncomfortable talking to strangers or new people. Isn’t online dating just the perfect answer to some of these caveats? I think it is.

I know I’m somewhat unusual in this perspective, but I really and truly enjoy online dating. Not every date is a home run, of course. I just love having a space where I go to meet brand new people outside of my work and social circles and get my flirt on, free and clear. Even if the dates are weird, I have stories to tell and experiences to think about.

I suppose I take it much less seriously in some ways because I’ve had years of practice and experience doing it. That applies to everything, right? Over time, when you get comfortable with an activity, you can better manage the anxiety around it. I feel pretty strongly that for myself, the benefits of online dating outweigh the silliness. Not much surprises me because I’ve become accustomed to the game of it, and I really just use it as the tool it is — to meet people, that’s all. I don’t find it to be a big deal, I don’t put much emotional stress into it. If I’m single and I feel like meeting someone new, I get online and start going on dates. Some are okay. Some are good. Once in a while, one turns into a relationship. Come to think of it, I haven’t had a terrible one in a really long time. I guess… practice matters.

Sure, initially, online dating has its frustrations and dark sides; I’ll be the first to admit it. If you’re not smart about it, you can find yourself overwhelmed by numbers, underwhelmed by good matches and turned off by a bad experience in no time. Plenty of people try some form of online dating and just don’t like it or can’t handle it, whether that’s because they feel it’s a waste of their time, they don’t like the profile exaggerations, or they’re unhappy with the dates they’ve gone on and don’t see anything different on the horizon. They just don’t see the value in it for their life and they don’t like the pressure of romance up front. They would rather wait it out and hope for opportunities in their offline life to provide some singles.

To that I say — great! Good luck! If you put effort in that way, you will also find some people to date. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just a matter of patience. I could even argue that there is a lot more time spent and effort put into meeting people in person that way, but perhaps there is more to be gained through other parts of those experiences that don’t involve dick picks and glitter filters. You do you. I might even recommend you use the power of the internet in a different way and try an app like Meetup where there is no romantic expectation, it’s just doing stuff with people for fun. You can join activities with new people and expand your social circles in the hopes that you find a connection with a single eventually.

The point here is that the older you get, the less that situation presents itself and if you actually want to date, there are, let’s call them, resources. The online space, I would argue, just increases your opportunities to meet singles by about a thousand. That’s a lot. Now, there are a thousand single dudes at the party. Holy crap. Quick, get some filters up, for the love of Pete!

In fact, why are there so many dudes? I’m going to address the hetero ladies for a moment because, yes, the online dating world is a great resource, but it’s also disproportionately filled by men right now. Ladies, why ya’ll so scared?

From asking women I know, I think vulnerability has a lot to do with hesitance in going online. There are also some outdated mindsets that tend to permeate the hetero women population when it comes to traditional roles of courting (I love that word, it’s so bitchy). It’s becoming slightly less prominent in the upcoming generations (thank goodness), but women have been taught to be pursued. They have been told they should not have to work to find a partner. They should just sit back and be paraded with fancy peacock men shaking their feathers and begging to be their suitors and the prettiest feathers wins. A woman putting herself on an app is a symbol of defeat, a loss of power and desirability as she was not able to achieve this long line of suitors in real life. Okay, fine, maybe a woman can make a profile to present her desirableness, but making a first move?! That’s not for women; women just being women is enough.

Hogwash. I do think women are fantastic, amazing creatures and we deserve all sorts of credit for our strengths — emotional perception, baby-making, caretaking or otherwise. But we have agency. We have decision making power. We can mold and shape our futures with choice and intelligence and are not beholden to the tradition of “bystander”. I want in on the game.

Going on dates is not losing power, it’s gaining it in my opinion. I never think of myself as a loser on a date. I think of myself as an explorer, ready to meet the challenge of the experience in front of me and invest myself in learning about attraction, love and partnership through discovery, not fear. Waiting around in the dark for someone else to turn a light on was never my thing. I will strike a match and burn my finger first to find a way out.

It can be scary, I know. If we go deeper into the idea of vulnerability on the apps, it applies to everyone. Where once you felt like being single was a private, invisible piece of information you can choose to reveal or not and in spaces where that information didn’t really matter to those around you, openly dating on the internet is like wearing an “I’m Single” hat at a singles theme park. You’re exposed! Everyone knows why you’re there, you know why everyone is there, and we’re all trying to get on the best rides. This is madness!

Here’s the lovely thing though — you have complete control. Online dating is easy to turn on and off. Nobody from your personal or work life is on there that gives a hoot, so you have no one to answer to. I would also argue it’s pretty safe these days. If you’re unsure of someone’s character, you can have video dates without ever giving your number or contact information (thank you technology!).

You have just as much of a chance of meeting a weirdo out in the real world as online because, well, these people are also in the real world somewhere. These people are me. These people are you. We’re single. We want to date. Come prepared with some healthy filtering that makes sense for you and a sense of humor, sure. You may get five minutes in and bow out gracefully, deciding that you’d rather wait it out on the real world and take your chances on the once a year bookstore encounter. Fine, cool.

But for those who are sick of wondering, are they single? Rollercoasters can be pretty fun. Now, where’s my hat…

Why Online Dating Can Be a Relief When You’re Over 30 was originally published in P.S. I Love You on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

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