#and think every action of theirs is because they hate ME its all about their hatred for ME they dont care about their children they only

[irlkdj]

Doksoo Analysis: Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint [SPOILERS]

I’d like to talk about the relationship between Kim Dokja and Han Sooyoung and how I perceive it. At its core, I think their story portrays that when we really love someone—truly and fully—we are willing to give up our own happiness to ensure theirs. This is something we see from both Sooyoung and Dokja. Han Sooyoung may seem selfish at times, especially at the beginning of the novel, but that’s because we did not yet know at the time that she gave up each of her nights and slept away her days to save Kim Dokja. We see Kim Dokja constantly throwing his life away because he loves his companions—something he is often berated for. So yes, the two of them are the same in this aspect: I love you, and I will destroy anything that gets in the way of your path to happiness. I will uproot the world and empty oceans; I will shoot down the sun and grab the moon to give to you, so long as you are safe and happy. Kim Dokja and Han Sooyoung are not perfect people. And I think they see the faults in one another, and love even those pieces of themselves that the other hates. Han Sooyoung who hated Kim Dokja so much for sacrificing himself over and over again—and yet she ended up doing the same thing for him. Her memories, her time, her youth. She spent all that time ensuring the happiness of a little boy who thought he couldn’t be happy. We see in the epilogue that Han Sooyoung truly loves every part of Kim Dokja as she races after him in that train station. She reflects on his negative and positive traits positively:

“That was the exact same face of Kim Dokja she remembered.

The man who came to her 1863rd regression turn. The man who she wanted to see again. The detestable man with his own brand of ass-kissing. The man who lied really easily. The man who she enjoyed being around, since they could lie about something together and snicker among themselves.

‘----‘

The man, who didn't remember her.”

When Han Sooyoung even considers the possibility that Kim Dokja could really, truly be gone, she thought: “That was the sound of someone only living in their past finally letting go of that very past. Right at that moment, Han Sooyoung was overcome by the bizarre guilt of corruption, of betrayal.” Her regret of not being able to save him properly. All of her efforts wasted. But they weren’t wasted, not to Kim Dokja, who got to experience love, joy, friendship, and family because of Han Sooyoung. She created a world in which he could be happy. She crafted a universe where Kim Dokja could be loved just by being.. Kim Dokja. So they’re really in this constant loop. Han Sooyoung sacrifices herself to save Kim Dokja, Kim Dokja sacrifices himself to save the world she created. And then she tries everything in her power to get him back. And Kim Dokja continues to love that story she created for him:

“Not being able to comment did bum me out. I wanted to let Han Sooyoung know of my emotions one more time. To tell her that I could only come this far because of the story you gave me, that I loved your story more than anyone in this world.” 

Kim Dokja loved her story. But people are stories too. Friends, families, lovers, strangers. We’re all stories in the end. Han Sooyoung and Kim Dokja. She wrote the story. He read it. They created a world together. And in the end, they tore it all down to ensure the happiness of those they loved. Because what is the point of such a world if Han Sooyoung cannot turn to her left and tease Kim Dokja. What is the point of such a world if Kim Dokja cannot take another joyride with Han Sooyoung, and get made fun of for screaming “I am the protagonist!” 

I’ll leave with this. The last thing Han Sooyoung wished to do before her memories faded was to see Kim Dokja. Just to /see/ him. Can you grasp the weight of this action? 

“Kim Dokja felt that sensation of touch on his shoulder and looked behind him.

However, the incoming waves of commuters heading to work swept him up, and he got pushed into the subway, instead.”

Just one last touch. One last glance. One last time—can I please see him again? Can I please see the man that I am about to ruin the world for? Can I please see that he is whole? That he is real? That he isn’t words behind a screen? I think this moment really displays just how much Han Sooyoung really.. loved Kim Dokja. Wholeheartedly and unapologetically. Just seeing him one more time before disaster struck, and knowing all that was about to ensue: that was her moment. The moment that made it all worth it. This man. This pathetic man. I will destroy the world for you. And I will not apologize for it. So don’t you ever apologize for existing, and don’t you ever forget how loved you are. 

#orv #orv novel #orv omniscient reader's view point #kim dokja #omniscient reader's viewpoint #han sooyoung #irlkdj #orv analysis #doksoo

[dayurno]

what are ur fav useless hcs. about kevin or anyone from aftg :) like they aren’t really significant but just little things you like to think about. bc i have so many but no one ever talks about theirs and im curious if you have any!

YAY i love this question and also feel free to send me yours too i think useless hcs are really fun

i think renee is a fast and furious fan and an action movie enthusiast….. in the first kevjean fic i’ve ever written there was a scene where she sat jean down and made him watch half of the fast and furious franchise with her and he hated it so bad but he couldnt tell her that so he just sat there very awkwardly the whole time. and renee knew he hated it but she loves the damn movies so much she thought it was a worth it sacrifice. i also love a dyslexia/adhd hc for renee, i think she has a hard time in academia and has a really really really fickle attention span. if you put jean and renee in the same room they might be able to finish a short book between them but its going to take at least 8 hours because they're going to get sidetracked talking to each other about dumb stuff

ex smoker jeremy is still real and beloved in my heart... i think he quit cold turkey in his junior year and it still gets him more often than not, but he's trying and that's all that matters

neil shoplifts on instinct. doesnt even think twice of it

kevin actually HATES the gym. he will not confess to this in any way shape or form but he genuinely hates it. its so early in the morning and the movements are so repetitive and its so boring. in evermore at least there was the threat of getting beaten up if he didnt do his sets right, but in psu its just plain boring. he will still go but he will hate every second. get this man to a court now

jean is horrible with performing small actions :) i think he has big shaky hands that struggle w the minutiae of any process ever. you do NOT want to ask this man to put thread through a needle or give you an injection or pack you a bowl or even light your cigarette. the #irreversible damage of multiple head injuries

also do let me know urs cause i also love hearing about this kind of stuff! i love small hcs... save me mundane realities of life. save me characters with little details

#if you combine jeans shaky hands with the gym you get a man who almost broke kevins foot in evermore three different times bc of #dropping weights #ITS HARD OUT HERE.......................... #also i think renee is such an adrenaline junkie but she knows its bad for her so she lives vicariously thru fast and furious #renee when she has a bad day: oh vin diesel we're really in it now #this is less of a tiny hc but i actually think renee is really good w being alone? i feel like shes really good at enjoying her own company #stephanie couldnt be around her all the time so she learned how to entertain herself #so i think shes one of those people that dont ever get lonely at all. she loves the world so bad and it loves her back #shes very mary oliver saying time spent alone is still time spent w the world #asks #renee #kevin #jean #neil #jeremy

[smile-files]

i think the main issue in arguing with zionists is that, well, they believe in zionism! if israel did deserve to exist, then the genocide and injustice in palestine could be argued for (not like it should be, but it certainly could) -- and zionists believe israel deserves to exist.

i, unfortunately, have a large amount of experience interacting (personally) with zionism and zionists. most of those i've talked to feel for the palestinians, and the violence they are facing, but they fail to realize (or they staunchly deny) the very, very active part israel and the IDF have had in that -- and how it's representative of what the nation has always done.

at the same time, they focus more on israeli hostages than palestinian ones -- and i know, of course, that these zionist jews i've interacted with are either israeli or have loved ones in israel, and so have a very personal stake in the safety of israeli hostages (which may very well be friends or family members), but i find it strange how much emphasis they put on hamas' cruelty in taking hostages while the IDF is doing the same thing (in essence; the exact details of who's doing it worse are important to note, but not relevant right now, because folks should realize that their side is being at least as cruel as the enemy's).

recently i was drawn into an argument with an israeli zionist (who, unfortunately, is very close to the action and tragedy by being israeli), and she was incredibly offended by my anti-zionism and my opposition to israel's abject cruelty to palestinian citizens, as it seemed (to her) like i was bypassing the cruelty hamas has enacted on israeli citizens -- which is very telling. i've noticed that we as jews have the tendency, whatever the situation may be, of focusing more on our pain than the pain of others, even if we are the ones hurting them. that person has every reason to be scared and hurt, and i'd be lying if i said her response wasn't at least somewhat sympathetic, but her pain in this horrible, violent conflict does not invalidate the pain on the other side. jews, throughout this recent crisis, have consistently not talked in depth about the constant losses in palestine -- am i suddenly being callous by focusing on those losses, and not our own? (YOUR PAIN AND THEIRS AREN'T MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE, YOU DOLT! sorry...)

because it all comes down to believing in israel! my mom has always told me about how beautiful it is there, about her time living on a kibbutz... and sure, it might be nice. i can't argue with that. but why is it that our nationalism for israel is so strong, so virulent? i have not seen patriots as loyal for any other country. and when you criticize israel, israelis feel like you're criticizing their entire existence -- and many non-israeli jews do, as well. because zionism has been built so deep into the modern religion! it's made to be a necessary piece! belief in it is the default!

and, from the inside looking in, i can't be surprised that many jews take anti-zionism as being antisemitic -- because, to them, israel and zionism stand as the pinnacle of safety and support for the jewish people. it is impossible to argue with them about anything above that base layer, as the base layer itself serves as a foundation: so long as a jew thinks that israel is right, deserved, and necessary, no proof will sway them into hating israel. it's just impossible, and that's very frustrating.

for me in particular, i find it very frustrating, as this single idea has turned so many people i know to support a genocidal entity. they believe in and support israel, so they stand with it now -- even if they condemn its current actions, they neglect how those actions are just an extension of its inherent existence -- whether they think israel's doing the right thing or wrong thing right now, they don't really care at the end of the day, because israel, to them, is necessary in keeping the jewish people alive. they stand with it, thinking that jews can only stand at all if they do.

but a genocidal crutch is no crutch at all: it only breaks us more. zionist jews make me so mad, and the worst part is that i could never express that to them in a way they'll understand.

#melonposting #anti-zionism #israel #i am so madddd and frustrated and stressed #with the whole camp thing going on my parents will inevitably find out (and soon!) that i'm anti-zionist #and given their age and proximity -- they're so deeply entrenched in zionism that i can't even hope to sway them #it's so sad and scary (i don't want them to be mad at me -- even though that really isn't the important thing here) #but it's also philosophically bizarre... like these people have good principles! #it's just this one tiny stupid thing (believing in israel) that's effectively turned them into bad people! #<- it's weird saying something like that. because i don't think they're bad people. but they're zionist. #part of it is that they're my parents and i love them but also... they're so good otherwise. a single thing went wrong. #(okay well not a single thing but it's generally minute things y'know?) #i don't wanna hate my parents. and i don't want them to hate me. can they please for the love of god stop #(takes every jew i know by the shoulders and shakes them back and forth) PLEAAAASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOPPPPPPP #anyway it's very hard for me to do work because i have this on my mind. #how do i break it to my parents that 1. i won't be working at camp this summer and 2. it's because i hate zionism? #i'm not cut out for situations like these ughhhhh why did i have to post that stupid anti-zionist instagram story in march #i could've just chosen not to take the job on my own accord and have enough time to come up with an excuse for my parents #whatever. too late for that. i dug my grave and now must lie in it #i guess it's character-building?? :')

[goamu-blog]

The most hated ship in the svsss fandom is that between Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe, otherwise known as BingJiu or B9. BingJiu is my most favorite ship and the one that makes sense to me, my otp. And I will tell why. I ship SJ with LBH (and its unusual for me to only ship two characters with each other and no one else, guess thats how strongly I feel about them) because to me, they are best suited for each other.

First off, don't think SJ ever actually hated LBH or wanted him dead. It was always described as envy. We know SJ has deep self-hatred and carried his resentment for all his pain throughout his life and that SJ and LBH had similar backgrounds. But LBH had a mother and was at a good age to start cultivating. LBH had a similar past as SJ, but he had an opportunity to get everything SJ wanted. While SJ opportunity was wasted.

LBH reminded SJ of his past and his wasted opportunity. LBH was like looking into a mirror to SJ, and with SJ self hatred and resentment, he lashed out on LBH. It wasn't LBH that SJ hated but the reminder of his past and wasted potential. Don't think SJ really blamed LBH for how things turned out for SJ.

SJ is self-aware of how he treated LBH. He never deny, justify it or make excuses. He owns up to his actions and accepts the consequences. SJ knows that it's his fault things turned out the way that it did. Even the death of YQY is an extension of his(SJ) actions.

LBH turned out the way he did because of SJ, and SJ knows it and accepts the consequences. So I don't think SJ blamed LBH for everything that happened. It haunts me that SQH said the story was basicly reverted back to his original draft, with SJ and LBH getting a happy ending together.

Its so tragic because SJ just wanted to matter to one person and have them be by his side, and LBH was so ready to be that person, but by the time they met it was too late. SJ was too bitter and resentful, and LBH wasn't in a position to prove to SJ that he could be that person.

LBH would do whatever it takes to genuinely be with SJ, LBH wants a genuine relationship with SJ. And giving the chance, they could work out. Because again, SJ is self-aware to know that he is at fault for how things turned out, and he is likely exhausted and would want everything to stop.

SJ would be very suspicious at first, but given time and proper development, they could have a chance at happiness together. They are in a wrong place, wrong time, right person situation. If SJ was less resentful and let LBH in, they could have filled each other's voids like no one else.

If SJ and LBH were given a proper chance for healing, understanding, and reconciliation, they could have a wonderful relationship. Doubt SJ/LBH liked how theirs lives turned out, so if there is a chance to change it, they would take it.

Why I think they would be best suited for each other out of anyone else. They would have an understanding because of their similar past. They know how it feels to be unwanted and alone. Their innate personalities are inherently compatible and are the best match for each other.

Their morality are similar. LBH would be fine with all of SJ sides, both the good and the more conniving sides, and SJ would be fine with LBH darker sides. Having similar morality, they could understand and accept each other wholly, and not just tolerate but disapprove of same of their personality traits.

Their loyalty is also similar, in that when they think a person is worth their loyalty, they will go through great lengths for them. They also remember every good and bad deed done to them and repay it.

In a relationship, they could be frank and honest with each other if one of them reaches out. They can be playful with SJ sarcasm and LBH not backing down from a challenge. SJ would also not back down from LBH and match him. SJ needs someone who would never let him go and constantly show him that he is wanted and cared for, LBH is perfect for that.

SJ would also need a challenging person to match him and stand up to him. LBH needs someone who can match his devotion and be frank and honest with him, SJ is perfect for that.

They would have a very reciprocating and well-balanced relationship. Feels like if they work on and get comfortable in a relationship with each other, they would be able to honestly (sometimes brutally honest) and openly talk. Because neither of them are one to hold back opinions/feelings. They could have a very fun, passionate, devoted, and reciprocating relationship together.

They would both take initiative in that relationship. They can work and be serious when needed and be fine with more devious actions. They can also be casual, playful, and challenge each other together.

Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe just need to be given a proper chance to heal, reconcile, and understand each other. It would be very difficult and requires a lot of effort from them both, but that makes BingJiu so compelling. That despite everything, if they have a chance, they could overcome their past, have a better life, and find happiness with each other.

If BingJiu is given the chance they could have a beautiful relationship.

And if you want to read a fic that encapsulates what I talked about, read

How to Train Your Shen Qingqiu by tenmei_kj on ao3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/17724134/chapters/41814650

It feels like a continuation of the books and the closest thing to closure for Shen Jiu and Luo Binghe. It gives them everything they deserve.

#svsss #shen jiu #original shen qingqiu #luo binghe #bingjiu #svsss bingjiu #mxtx #danmei #shen qingqiu #scum villian self saving system #scumbag system

[eksvee15]

EUREKA, UTDR THEORISTS.

I have been working on a theory regarding all of our repetitive smiles. All the weird smiles we don't know the meaning of in Undertale and Deltarune? That theory attempts to solve this mystery.

I call this theory, the Cheshire Smiles Theory, or the Consequences Theory. Bear with me on this one because it'll be a wild [Ride Around Town].

Disclaimer, this theory bases itself off the "Chara is the consequence, not the villain" theory, the "Kris hates us" theory, the overpopular "MysteryMan is Gaster's sprite" theory and the whole shtick of the secret bosses seeking out freedom. This theory also bases itself around the concept of Consequences a LOT. If you don't believe/like any of those theories, read at your own risks and don't get angry at me. I warned.

What is a cheshire cat's smile?

Smiling like a cheshire cat, as defined by google, goes as follows : "The Chesire Cat grin is an expression made by The Trickster who's up to something, and 'something' never bodes well for the person they are smiling at. Usually, it involves their total humiliation - occasionally it involves mortal danger."

Alternatively, a cheshire cat smile can be compared to the very literal meaning of it : The smile found on the enigmatic Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland. The peculiar traits we'll focus on here will be the enigmatic smiles behind which he hides, as well as its ability to disappear and appear at any time.

In Undertale and Deltarune, however, smiles are relatively common. Happy smiles like Papyrus and Undyne's, embarassed smiles like Alphys', fake smiles like Rouxls Kaard's, hopeful smiles like Asgore's and Asriel's, evil smiles like KING's and somewhat Queen's? But most notably Flowey (the absolute king of evil and fake smiles here). This leaves a type of smile : The type of smile found on Chara, Spamton, Jevil, Sans to an extent, MysteryMan/Gaster, Spamton NEO, Kris in the Ch1 ending, and the TV's smile in the Ch2 ending. Those, are which I'll refer to as cheshire smiles, and I believe they come from a specific cause : Consequences. Those smiles that seem to appear and disappear when we least expect it? They're all thanks to the consequences of actions. Ours, theirs, actions overall. And I'm going to explain why.

Undertale's Cheshire smiles

The most obvious cheshire smile I think about here is Chara's. Chara, the demon that comes when you call its name. You only see their smile upon completing either a No Mercy run, or a Post NoMercy Pacifist run. Chara is the literal embodiment of the consequences of our actions, here to delete our world regardless of our choice after a No Mercy run, here to remind us of our actions if we try a Pacifist afterwards. Chara is there. Chara remembers. Chara reminds. Chara is the consequence we deserve. And their smile is engraved in our game, as a consequence of making the underground go empty. And it will be there every single time.

Chara here is the whole basis of why this theory exists. A smile that we don't expect, a smile that randomly appears, and a smile motivated by the consequences of our actions. The perfect place to start. Chara is going to be our standart for what a Cheshire smile means in Undertale and Deltarune alike.

Our next candidate in Undertale will be Sans. Although Sans doesn't constantly seem to fit the description of cheshire smile, he is actually one of those that fits the BEST, both based on Cheshire Cat standarts and Chara standarts. He appears and disappears at will, has an unforgettable smile, is a literal judge, is silly and lazy (like a cat) but also, the Sans fight is the most memorable consequence of doing the No Mercy run. Sans' true smile, different from his smile in the textbox, only appears in the ending of a run most of the time, be it in the True Pacifist ending, or the No Mercy ending, we will be faced with that smile, possibly for dozens of times over. I don't count Papyrus, because Papyrus' smile is always innocent, happy, cheerful, confident. Sans' smile never shows emotion, he's a pokerface. Yes, I know, he appears shocked when we hit him but come on. This doesn't disprove it. Sans is peculiar also in the sense that he is very much depressed. Be it through the HP is Hope theory, or just by Undertale lore standarts, it's obvious Sans is depressed and his smile isn't there for himself. Which WOULD qualify him as a fake smiler if the whole rest of the explanation didn't matter, and if the Sans lore wasn't as complicated as it is. It's obvious something happened to make Sans stay like this, he's not just keeping it up for the image. We've yet to discover why, though.

The last member of this list will be MysteryMan/Gaster. I know he's relevant in both games, but his first real appearance is in Undertale plus his lore is in Undertale, so I'll put him there. Gaster is similar to Sans in his cheshire traits, in the sense that he is incredibly mysterious, basically can disappear at will, and his smile seems frozen on his face. A trait also similar to Cheshire Cat is that he doesn't seem real despite being in front of us. However, Gaster has no relevant appearance in the game for us, why would his smile be cheshire if there's none of our consequences? Well that's it, the consequences aren't OURS. They're HIS. His smile is frozen like this, frozen through time and space, because his ambition caused him to fall into his own creation. He was his own downfall, and as a consequence, he is stuck like this. Once again, a smile caused in consequences.

Notes

One could argue OMEGA Flowey's smile is a cheshire one, given the entire embodiment of consequence that he is. However, that's the only trait he has, a consequence that's not even caused. It's a decision he takes, the only consequence is that he looks like that after taking the souls, nothing more. OMEGA Flowey, much like Flowey, has a smile stuck in the Evil Smiles cathegory.

Mad Dummy and Mad MewMew don't count here, as their smiles are either malicious or, in No Mercy, genuine happiness. While the latter comes from a consequence, it isn't nearly relevant enough to be cheshire, and has no implication aside from "I finally became myself".

Deltarune's Cheshire smiles

With the Undertale part out of the way, time for the big bit of this theory : Deltarune. And oh boy do I have a lot to talk to. Bear in mind, Chara's smile is the standart Cheshire smile portrayed by Toby Fox.

Our first contestant here will be Kris. Kris? But they never smile!. . . They do, once to our knowledge. In the Chapter 1 ending, Kris flashes a menacing, yet.. Familiar smile to us. I believe this smile is the consequence of us, the soul, possessing them and making them do all of this, and their smile here as well as their actions is their way to fight back. It's to send a message to us, that consequences are coming. This smile is VERY reminiscent of Chara's own smile, which shows up at the end of the run and reminds us that our actions WILL have consequences. This is exactly Kris' message here, I believe. Small note here, this will be the one smile that barely doesn't fall out of cheshire. It's WAY on the fronteer, but given how relevant Kris' smile is in this scene, it barely makes it in.

Next up is Jevil, our good ole' jester of the deck himself. Jevil is probably the character that smiles the most in Deltarune, as he never gives it up. Even the Devilsknife is smiling, to quote him, and he IS the Devilsknife. Jevil has the silliness, and the ability to disappear to reappear, while also having the dangerousness and most of all - being optional. The consequences here, again and much like with Gaster, don't come from us. Seam (a smiling cat..how peculiar and conveinient.), Jevil's friend, gives us insight and story on Jevil. Evidently, Jevil found himself behind bars due to his false belief of being free to do anything, and going rogue because of it. Jevil broke, and his insanity lead him to where he is today as a consequence. Jevil is stuck smiling in his little freedom in the end.

We've been to one end of the freedom scale, let's go to the other end : Spamton G. Spamton. This guy has probably the biggest amount of consequence events in the entire Deltarune yet. He was a salesman, got a phonecall and as consequence his smile was everywhere, the phonecalls left so he fell to the dumpster and now he's just a smiler puppet craving ..something. The biggest reason I bring him to the table is because HE IS LITERALLY A COPY PASTE OF CHARA IN THE SNOWGRAVE RUN. He gives us the weapon of the kill, tells us how many left, and he is the overpowering force you meet at the very end of Chapter 2's dark world if you do Snowgrave. In parallel he calls out every single action you've taken. He literally does Chara's job in Deltarune Chapter 2's weird route, in which he becomes the embodiment of the consequences of our actions. In the normal route, as himself, he's a broken man trying to escape the situation his own consequences put him in. Spamton NEO is his own worst invention, an award losing smile to lose it all. Another thing that shows the cheshire in Spamton would be the way he seems to be everywhere. Check any dumpster, it'll have a pillow inside. Spamton lives everywhere. Even the LoadedDisk item smiles in your hand, like Devilsknife with Jevil.

Finally, the TV at the end of Chapter 2. I think it's going to be a prelude to a cheshire smile, it has the design for it already and with all the smiles we've encountered so far, this feels very much like Kris' smile. A prelude to danger, a message. We know one thing for sure : it's here because of a bad consequence. Kris opened a dark fountain, despite Ralsei's warnings. As a result, this smile comes into play to tell us things are about to go south. I think this preludes a Cheshire smile for the character this is supposed to foreshadow, especially considering their entire smile will be a reminder of Kris' actions in opening that fountain to begin with. If it's Mike's smile? We'll probably see it everywhere.

Notes

One thing I didn't mention is something I said at the very beggining. The cheshire cat's smile is prelude to danger and a bad message, which Jevil, Spamton NEO and the TV's smile all represent.

Similar to previous examples, Ralsei, Susie and Lancer are no cheshire. They're not a consequence, and Ralsei's smiles are of utter kindness, Susie's are usually positively mischievous or just genuine, and Lancer. . .is Lancer.

Important to note here that Mike essentially humiliated Spamton, which feeds even more in my theory of Mike's smile being cheshire-esque.

There you have it. My entire theory on the hidden types of smile through both games. I believe this will probably amount to something in the end of Deltarune if my theory prooves true, and if it does, then the ending of Deltarune might really change as a consequence of finding all of those secret bosses. But that's a theory for later.

Thanks for reading, I'd love your input in this and PLEASE take care of yourself, 'cause someone really cares about you :)

#undertale #deltarune #undertale theory #deltarune theory #chara undertale #sans undertale #spamton #jevil #gaster #gaster undertale #toby fox #spamton neo #kris deltarune #mike deltarune #deltarune chapter 1 #deltarune chapter 2 #snowgrave #deltarune spoilers #undertale spoilers #i spent too long writing this bro

[featherlouise]

this is totally not me giving you an excuse to talk about Hollow's feelings toward Radi 👀

Ohohoho

Hollow’s feelings are pretty complicated towards Radi to say the least.

Like, on one hand, they’ve been raised in a kingdom that’s being ravished by her infection. Innocent people, sometimes even children, are essentially being tortured because of her anger towards their father. She’s aiming to destroy EVERYTHING they hold dear and EVERYTHING they want to protect. They absolutely should hate her, right??

On the other hand, the Radiance has been inside their head for months, and past the constant vitriol she spits about the “pale usurper,” they can tell she’s grieving. Not in a way anyone should support or course, but they can understand that she was in a very similar position to them once. Watching as her people were taken away from her, while she could do nothing about it, until she was discarded like a forgotten toy.

She went from being her people’s light, to “the old light,” to nothing at all. They can understand the pain that comes with being forgotten, and it’s a secret fear of theirs that once they’re sealed away, nobody will remember them. It’s a fear they know intimately, and it’s one the Radiance has witnessed come into fruition.

But on the other OTHER hand, they ADORE their father, their little sister, the kingdom and all its people. They don’t want it to be destroyed, so they’ll do whatever is necessary to ensure it doesn’t happen.

THEN when they encounter Hornet in the hallway, they can feel that Radi wants to attack her. As far as she’s concerned, she’s just another obstacle on her way to eliminating the true source of her ire.

Bc you’ve gotta understand, when you get to the point that you can be considered an ancient higher being like the Radiance, your morals aren’t anywhere near the same as those of mortals, AND she’s been seething alone in the dream realm for millennia, so at this point she’s willing to do anything to get her revenge. As far as she’s concerned, PK stole her children and destroyed everything she loved, and she wants retribution for that.

But. When they start begging, she basically makes a deal with them to spare the rest of Hallownest so long as she gets to kill the king.

It’s kind of, if not a moment where the ‘benevolent light’ that the moth stories talk about peeks through her anger, then a moment of humanity, where she chooses to spare a child who is the kin of her enemy instead of eradicating every trace of the wyrm from the kingdom.

(Of course Hollow never ends up going thru with it bc they definitely don’t trust Radi to keep her word)

I REALLY wish I could explain it better than that, but basically

If they had to choose between the Radiance and Hallownest, they’d naturally choose Hallownest, but they can understand the Radiance’s anger and relate to her fears in a way that makes them not truly want her dead.

I also think Hollow is a strong believer in second chances, they’re too goddamn nice for their own good

They’re also the only person (so far) to have survived being infected, so they’re currently the only living person who is intimately familiar with the way Radi’s anger feels and the way she justifies her actions

This isn’t very coherent so some of this will probably end up being scrapped but this is basically all the thoughts I have regarding Hollow’s feelings towards Radi at the mo lmao

#early infection au #hollow knight #hollow knight gijinka #hk radiance #hk thk #hk pv #pure vessel #the hollow knight #hk hollow #asks

[mbrainspaz]

I can't tell if I'm misunderstanding local culture or if my coworkers are just the rudest people on earth: A sort of tumblr AITA.

Any other south Texans out there, care to add your two cents?

I've lived in several cultures with wildly different gift giving practices so I'm pretty adaptable but since starting my current job in south Texas I'm at a loss for the first time. Having been a person who's struggled to afford food in recent years the best way I know to show gratitude and camaraderie is by gifting and sharing necessities like food, clothing, and shelter. I've always loved cooking for other people. Granted I do cook some weird stuff like curry and gluten free snacks so I don't expect people to want everything I make. I have a pretty stellar track record though. At my old office my deserts were legendary. Still, I'm not offended when someone turns down gifts of any kind. I wouldn't want anyone to feel obligated to give me anything in return.

Well... I wouldn't have been offended a few rejected gifts, but these people have accepted literally NOTHING I've tried to give them all year—usually just by tossing it aside on a dusty shelf or leaving it sitting out so that I find it later, spoiled. The muffins I made? Left on the counter for 3 days until I finally threw them out. The pumpkin pie with cool whip on thanksgiving? Left sitting on a workbench overnight. The nice warm waterproof coat I made available for the kid who only has a hoodie? Shoved in a dusty sink full of spiders. The spare room in my company house: always open, but they've told me they slept in their cars instead. I've even offered them full access to my kitchen (on the worksite) in case they ever need a snack or a sandwich and NOT ONCE—not even during severe storms—have they ever asked for so much as a breath mint.

I can't wrap my head around it! If someone had offered me any of these things while I was struggling or even just as a kind gesture I would've done everything in my power to show them how grateful I was even if I didn't want whatever they were sharing. The one coworker has literally come up to me at work and talked about how they couldn't afford anything but canned beans for a week—BESTIE, you could've helped yourself to a whole steak I had in the fridge! Or a vegan burger! Have I not told you so a dozen times?! I know what you're thinking: "They clearly hate you!" Not particularly. At least, I try not to let the paranoia get to me. We get along well enough on most other fronts. But wait—there's more!

They also rudely reject all gifts from our boss and clients. A client gave us special cooling scarves in the heat of the summer and I made sure to thank her and be seen wearing mine (it was super nice), and what did my coworkers do with theirs? They're still in the box in the back of a dusty bin. A coffee maker? Also left in its box for 9 months. A mug of hot chocolate? Left to mold. Leftovers of fried chicken and pizza from work meetings goes bad in the break room fridge every time (if I don't eat it). The candy and snacks our boss brings 'round on holidays ends up sitting in the feed room unopened for months (until I finally take it). Sometimes clients bring leftover desserts or donuts, and if I don't take those and put them away they will also sit out until they calcify.

It's no wonder I'm the only one who gets gifts from clients most of the time—I know how to at least ACT grateful. Even if you don't want the thing it's about basic manners.

My two coworkers come from different cultural backgrounds in the sense that one has a rich family and the other has always lived in poverty. Both still own land, horses, and big trucks (because Texas). Both are from south Texas and haven't spent a lot of time in other cultures. My best guess is that this is some kind of sick hyper-individualist mentality bullshit in action. I just don't get it.

No matter what culture you're from I'm pretty sure it's always downright rude to reject gifts the way they do. I'm to the point where I've decided to stop trying to give them anything and I just hope that doesn't make me the bad guy. I'm tired of being insulted for no reason and I hate to see food go to waste. Really at a loss here.

#aita #ungrateful #coworkers #life of a texan peasant #poverty #gift giving #american culture #texan culture #ramble #long text post

[gorematchala]

So I wish I had the full body artwork to go off of but I've been staring at what they showed for like 6 hours total by now and I need to ramble about Fire Emblem designs.

Let me start by establishing my position on this series. I played Awakening and I dont care about any of the gameplay or plots of any of the games at all. My opinions are about the character designs and nothing else. Other than I think the child soldier void and the incest shit in Fates is kinda really fucked up. But anyway.

I'm okay with protags all looking like Marth. It really doesnt bother me. The Breath of Fire series has a blue haired dragony hero man and a blonde angel girl as the protagonists of every game and thats fine. I think its neat to have reoccuring character concepts like that sometimes. And I think that Marth, Sigurd, Ike, ect. are cool individual designs. Blue haired Lord class protagonist. Love it, totally fine.

Other weirder designs are also welcome. Robin being a weird dragon cult wizard clone thing was awesome. Corrin being a metal deer dragon, fantastic. Beyond the protagonists I dont even hate the non functional boob armor and such like Camilla in fates. Its a video game it doesnt have to be practical. But whats important about any design is about its functionality in terms of action. That the costume is cool to look at and consistent with what the character does or how theyre themed. You wouldnt give a thief character Black Knight armor, and the Black Knight would look weird fighting with a rapier. But Lucina wants sweater armor? Fine, shes supposed to be agile and she fights with a straight sword. Shes cute, let her be. HOWEVER.

While Robin is really great, and Corrin is extremely interesting, and Alm/Celica are absolutely perfect in their redesigns, FE3H introduced some of the worst character designs maybe in video games as a whole. I'm not just talking about Byleth but I could write a book about how bad Byleth's costumes are. I wont cuz I'm gonna do that for the new one. But the long and short is you've got monotone grey costumes that are half batman armor half cutist robes, with weird desaturated pink trim which doesnt match anything else on the design, with grey blue hair, and a neon purple dagger. The color theory alone is infuriating. Then the models in game make it worse by looking horrific in their own right. My complaints about their amor are too specific to explain without me pointing at them and gesturing wildly so suffice it to say there is a way that armor should be shaped to create a nice visual flow and theirs does not do that.

Now with Alear... I'll start this one by establishing that on a base level theyre better than Byleth. I think in terms of hair the female Alear looks less like a yugioh zexel character which is good. The split color isnt the biggest problem for me but it is *too* saturated and kinda obnoxious to look at, and the heterochromia throws it over the top into being fully annoying. Female Alear has the giant eyeball problem that female Byleth had. I dont get why her tiara is grey when every other accent on both of them is gold. The guys hair would be fine if it wasnt glued together in the front creating this bizarre forehead window. They both have confusing bowtie/ scarf/ neck tie things going on. His disappears under his vest but of course her is suctioned between her balloon tits because of course. I like her skort thing but I dont get why they created visual lines that travel down to become the skirt pleats, bu then they have a belt creating a hard horizontal break in that flow, and why they decided to make the skirt blue because it wouldve looked better white? It wouldve been the same blue to white ratio as the male version because of her thigh strap things. And speaking of straps!! This guy has a strap attached from the end of his jacket to the knee guard on his greaves, and then his belt has a weird cross shaped offshoot that is like sewn to the back of the boot jacket strap??? The gold trim on their arms is kinda meandering and formless, it looks like they should have some kind of gauntlet covering the stuff on the forearm.

Like it isnt as awful as Byleth in terms of it being nothing, but now its too much, and whats there is kind of stupid. Additionally once again whoever is doing the modelling and animations is not doing the game any favors because they all look like mid quality porn models. Something about the placement of the eyes and mouth on all the female characters screams 3d hentai to me. It's also weird how much higher detail their heads are from the rest of their bodies.

I dont really have a point or a conclusion here but I'm just baffled as to why this series has had such a drop off with their character designs since 3H and its been eating my brain for a day now so here is your peak into my psychosis.

#fire emblem #fe engage #alear fire emblem

[milkhoney531]

CW: transphobia, fear, suicidal tendencies

Well, its transgender visibility day. I want to say something nice, inspiring, I want to be able to celebrate. But the only thing I can think about is how afraid I am. For all of my fellow trans people, young and old, I am terrified.

I've lived my whole life lying and hiding to survive. I want so badly to medically and socially transition. To at at least have a more masculine haircut that in no way could be styled to look feminine. To be out and proud, to have no fear with my pride necklace, patches, or flag in visibility. To correct people when they say the wrong name or pronouns, hell, just to actually tell people the correct ones when I meet them.

But those things make you a target. Make my family a target. Make me terrified someone will come after my little brothers, my little sister, or my dad. Because of who I am, they could be attacked by someone trying to hurt me. Trying to get to me.

I live in Texas and every day I am growing more and more scared. And I don't want to tell my family because they don't understand or worse, they might stand up to a transphobe because if my words and never come home.

Their safety is why I hide. Why instead of getting a masculine haircut I keep my hair long and opt for and undercut to hide when needed but keep myself alive, why I don't use my chest binders as often as I'd like, why my pride patches in my jacket aren't sewn in but held on by safety pins.

Because as far as I've come with my mental health, if my family is taken from me, I won't survive it. I'm willing to be myself when I am alone and my family is safe at home because I don't care about my own life. I am willing to risk my life for the betterment of others and die trying to exist. But I will never, never, risk theirs.

If I lose even one of them, the world will fear my wrath. If I lose them all? There will be nothing to stop me from burning everything, everything to the ground. They are all I have and I will kill to keep them safe. As long as one of them lives, there is a chance I won't destroy the world because I would listen only to them. No one else would be able to stop my rampage.

That rage and violence is someone I have fought hard to bury. But it's like they say, if you have a man who will do anything for his son, and you take away his son? You're in for a very, very bad time. I'd let the world and all its inhabitants burn before I would let them get hurt by cause of my or anyone else's actions.

So, as much as it hurts, I stay hidden to protect them. I have practically raised my siblings. I have given them weapons and taught them to fight. The youngest of them is fifteen. My job to protect them will never be over, but I made sure they had a good childhood. That despite everything, they survived it.

It is only because I know that they will be safe, that I am preparing to move out in July. I have a plan for my life. But, with how dangerous it is becoming for me to exist, despite how much I love my family, it might be safer for all of us if I seek refuge in Canada or another place. As much as I want to, it is too dangerous for me to stay close to my family.and I hate it.

#transgender #rant #personal #scared #nonbinary

[papirouge]

If I see christians call for nationalism or call themselves the ~tailban of the west/Christianity~ 🤪 any more I will fucking lose it. I can deal with abortionists because they’re in your face about their actions. But I hate these snakes next to me that say all the same things about following Jesus and being Christian then say some of the worst, misogynistic or racist or ableist -since my disability is very visible- thing I’ve ever heard. I better not hear a word from these damned souls when they’re shocked about falling into the lake of fire for their sins.

I once asked to this brand of Chrsitian what was the difference between them Taliban, and not a single person bothered to reply to me🙃

But lf course those people will paint Taliban and terrorist for being the bad guys for defending their religion with violence.....while doing the exact same thing themselves 🤡

They're not different at all. I already said plentiful of time that political Christianism + resorting to physical weapons was NOT biblical, but they won't listen. Or they'll pull out all sort of cope or excuse that has nothing to do with the Bible. My "favorite" is USAmerican talking about their stupid amendments as if they meant anything in the big scheme of things. The United States of America was literally built by freemasons and satanists and slave owners so it's delusional to use whatever law or constitution they pulled out to argue against GOD's law. Literally every country has a Constitution and specific laws; who do they think they are to think theirs would be somehow more relevant in regards of putting ip against the word of God? Typical USAmerican self aggrandizing entitlement.

Honestly anon, the moment you realize those people are not Christian, you'll be less confused. I know many people pretend you can't tell if someone is Christian and "oh you don't know what's in their heart uwu" but Jesus himself said you recognize a tree by its fruits. And sorry, but I don't recognize a Christlike personality in someone joking about killing people, throwing slurs at entire demographics for the lolz, or reinforcing violence to make their way¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

I love your last sentence - so true. Salvation isn't something to be messed with. It is a PROMISE and we need to live up the expectations it involves.

Some Chrisitians fooling and wasting away their stay on earth are up for a big surprise on judgement day......

#answered #Christian

[depressedtransguy]

Hi, I I don't want to go back and forth in the tags with you on the feminism including men post, so I'm messaging you here. Feel free to ignore, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I genuinely want to know though, why you feel that feminism's goal of making women equal to men should "include" men in its goals, while groups striving for racial equality does not have to include white people as a class in theirs. Personally, I feel really frustrated with leftists and conservatives alike both expecting women to give up anything they have for themselves, and prioritize every other group, while any group which includes men are allowed to prioritize themselves and their own goals.

well gender extremely complicated

and as a trans man who does not pass, I shall be affected by misogyny and harassment my whole life just as women might, yet I am a man

and my statistics for getting sexually assaulted are even higher than those of cis women

groups striving for racial equality don’t need to include white people because no one is born being called one race when they really are another

there can be exceptions to this with multiracial people who possibly don’t appear too far into one group or another while they still face harassment, but they are not completely white

I am completely a man. I have a vagina and breasts and everyone who looks at me uses she/her, but I am a man and I deserve to talk about my struggles against the patriarchy without being called a woman

And while racism doesn’t hurt everyone, the patriarchy does, and since feminism is about equality between the genders, the patriarchy has to go

plus so many womens issues are intertwined with things that different types of men face like men of color, disabled men, queer men, and neurodivergent men, so saying things like for example ‘women are forced to smile while men aren’t’ isn’t exactly true since black men face the same harassment

the mixture of gender especially along with race is so complicated that if one tries to cut it down to just one group instead of the mass, there’s going to be harmful exclusion. I’ve heard many stories from male-passing non binary people where when a feminist group tried to only include women and non-binary people, they were kicked out, even though they were non-binary because they looked like a man

including men in feminism does not take away from women

I am not saying that we should prioritize men over women

I am saying that if one truly wants to reach equality between the genders when gender is practically inexplicable, everyone needs to be included

especially since I think this would help stop the harmful generalizations of ‘all men are trash’ or ‘all men are dangerous’ that come from radfem rhetoric because while the statistics are scary and women have every right to be cautious, I am a man who will most likely be raped in my lifetime, and I don’t deserve to be called trash and dangerous because of the actions of others

also, and I hate to keep bringing them up because I am the last person who should be talking about race but, black men are already unfairly demonized so saying that ‘all men are dangerous’ is extremely harmful to them too

the fight isn’t women vs men, it’s against the patriarchy

I hope this answers your question and I’m really glad you were so polite when everyone else has been just yelling at me, I hope this comes off as polite too.

#depressedtransguy00 asks

[mr-kench]

Aside from the movie Civil War being advertised as a completely different movie than it ended up being the biggest sign it’s a work of fiction is that Texas and California being on the same side. I have a lot to say about California in general but I’ll summarize my thoughts so I can get to the meat of things. Californians live in a Bubble of Ignorance. The culture of that entire state but especially LA is so insular. They think the rest of the country has the same problems as them and since most News in America is generated there, this self centered ignorance is what gets projected. I assume that it’s in this logic that the Hollywood Writers assumed Texas would be on their side because many Californians have moved there, giving them the impression that the Savages of Texas are now led by the benevolence of their Californian Superiors.

The point trying to be made here is dedicated to any foreign Readers but also to California since apparently they need it. While The United States of America is a singular Country the internal politics makes it function more like the United Nations. Every State has its own military, its own laws and its own internal politics. Many of the States have interstate politics and some of them fucking hate each other. The most Famous being the Rivalry between Texas and California. The Southern Border States have more of a relationship with Mexico than the Federal Government.

This is also why many Americans fight over Federal Oversight because it’s essentially one Government overruling their own and rings of Tyranny in that sense. They have more loyalty to their State Government than the Federal One. Which is why things like Civil War can happen to begin with.

This is where “Power to the People” comes into play because the distribution of power has so many levels to it. You elect a Governor who represents your State, you have Senators who are often elected from former Governors thus raising your representation further as they would have your interests to heart even more. Theirs plenty of infighting between different states but it’s in those rare moments where they all agree that America itself gets dangerous. The people agree amongst themselves and literal world shaking events happen. To quote a tagline and call to action during World War 2 “we did it before and we will do it again”

When tragedy happens theirs a sibling energy of “no one can mess with them but me” America was Born in Spite and has been a motivating force ever since.

#life lessons #america #american #civil war #united states #american politics #interstate politics #texas #california #politics

[hollowhearts-and-espresso]

'IT' Discussions Pt. 2

Its been forever, but lets do part 2 of my IT brainrot. Same as pt 1 with Richie and Eddie, we're going into opposites, the use of character foils, etc but today with Stan and Bill. Now, I want to preface this by saying that theirs less use of opposites and digging for whats not there with these characters (and with Bev, Ben, and Mike) then there is with Eddie and Richie, but we're still doing this, because its still worth going into and the character foils make me froth at the mouth

Bill: Now, Bill is shown as a leader. He stops, and he thinks, even if its not always about the right thing (he's more concerned about georgie most the time than the others, and in the pt. 2 movie more worried about that kid than the others, but anyway). he thinks things through, and he leads- he may not be the bravest, but he's willing, and he brings them together, and thats something these kids always need. but if you really look at his actions, his words, etc- he's the impulse. for every time he thinks something through or tells the others they shouldnt do something, theirs two times he yanks them headfirst into a situationTM. just as much as he's the others impulse control, he's his own impulse.

Stan: this ones really, really fun for me. now, stan is always shown as being a good friend, but he's a kid and he's scared, and sometimes we can see that makes him think a bit more about his own safety than the picture at large (which, fair. not hating, just stating). he's shown to be sarcastic and a bit rude, which of course never hurts the others feelings, but its there. and he can be pretty apathetic to most things unless he's scared. BUT- and this is my favorite one of the buts- he's actually the most empathetic character. he can be completely fine, going through life or the situationTM of the day, and if he picks up on one of the others feeling uneasy or upset, he is too, and he (if not Bev) is the one to help calm down or ease the others most of the time. so not only is he a true empath, constantly feeling and picking up on what the others feel, he's empathetic in how he helps them and does his best to understand his friends, so despite how he can be shown as snippy and uncaring, he's a teddy bear empath through and through

And now, my favorite part, the comparison of them and character foils. lets jump in

like i said in pt. 1, every action has its equal opposite reaction- King used his character foils for the action and reaction, and because these two are character foils, every action Bill goes through has its equal opposite reaction to Stan, just like eddie and richie. every time bills dad yells at him to stop, to let it go, to forget and just move on (abt georgie), stans dad is pushing and pushing him to remember and to practice and to stop running around town and just sit down and focus (abt his torah). (the torah and a dead little brother are of course very different, but the action and reaction are the same idea of it all). every time bill cant sleep because his mom is crying while playing the piano and he's wishing he could relax, stan is forcing himself to sleep because the more he sleeps the less he has to worry about his bah mitzvah and having nightmares about suddenly forgetting his word in the middle of it. obviously this is very different from the way i described eddie and richie in part 1, and its a different situation for them, but thats because its different characters with different foils and the way King wrote them and etc this is how it goes.

so heres the thing, with these two, instead of having perfect direct differences and similarities, every one of their differences are so, so similar, and every one their similarites are so, so different. if richie and eddie are red and blue, complete opposites but mixing perfectly to make something beautiful, bill and stan are yellow and green, being made so much up of each other that when they mix, it just makes a different version of what is already there for both of them, and thats just as beautiful. instead of changing each other (for better OR worse) by being together and connected, they bring out the traits of each other that are the most hidden while still accenting what is most prominent. thats part of why i love these two so much and the way they work as characters and how they mix, and i cant wait to get more into titles and color theories of characters in another discussion.

Next;

Pt 3; Bev, Mike, Ben (Topic: Same)

#it #stephen king #it stephen king #bill denbrough #stanley uris

[waywarddreamer133]

Revenge

How long ago was it now? 3 years? I genuinely don't remember. The days, weeks and months all blur together. An isolated room locked in neverending, looping monotony.

You've ruined me you know. It hurt back then and it still hurts now.

Maybe I was never destined for companionship, I've thought this before and I still think this now.

Maybe I was born as a sick joke by the universe, making the most deviant social mind possible, who'd still barely keep within the bounds of human acceptability.

Or maybe an experiment to see how much mental suffering a person can experience while leaving their physical body completely untouched.

I like to believe I've done well though.

Despite all that life has thrown at me, somehow I haven't commited suicide.

Though thinking about you makes me remember something.

My desire for revenge.

I want this pain to be inflicted on others, I want to see if they could handle what I had to go through. I want to see how many of them would come crawling to me after they go through that, begging for forgiveness once they realized how much their actions have hurt me.

But I will forgive them.

I want to give them mercy, so that they will live forever thinking I'm the better person. An oxymoronic statement, but the truth nonetheless.

I want people to go through the same things I've been through at their hands, but not by my own, by somebody else's and I want to help them stand up again, after I do for them what nobody's ever done for me.

Take their side.

After everything they go through, I'll still stay by their side at the end. I'll make it clear that as long as help is required, I'm available.

And they'll despise themself because they didn't extend theirs to me when I needed it most, yet I'd do it for them even after they've ruined me.

I'll make it clear how much it hurts me to help them. I'll force myself to not take anything in return. I'll keep them forever guilty, forever in my debt, forever thinking that their actions were ridiculously selfish in the face of my saintlike kindness.

Then, I want someone important to them to see it all, someone they look up to, respect, love and admire, stare them dead in the eye after they ask this person for something important.

It could be their potential crush, their bosses, their family, their friends.

Anyone.

And I want them to reject them. Harshly. I want the actions of the past to cause everyone around them to hate them like everyone hated me.

And yet still I'll take their side, I'll argue for them, that it's fine, I've forgiven them, and that it was all in the past.

And spiral the rejection. The kinder I am to someone so horrible to me, the more harshly the opinion of their peers will weigh in.

How the hell could you be so cruel to such an angel?

And then finally, I'll have my revenge. They'll hate themself for a mistake years and years past, while I'll have their friends, family and close associates on my side.

How does it feel having everyone you know turn against you for your wrongdoings, while they admire the one they believe is in the right?

How does it feel being hurt, but not being able to defend yourself because your aggressor got "hurt more"

How does it feel, being told that you're completely in the wrong and your feelings are invalid because I'm in the right?

It sucks, doesn't it? It's cruel, its awful, and its horrible.

These are the feelings I've had to live through the last 3 years of my life after you ruined it.

Hell, these are the feelings I've carried for the entire 18 years of my existence.

Always in the wrong, always alone, always shunned, always told that my emotions did not matter.

Nobody would ever take my side. And I want others to know how that feels.

I want those who stood opposite me to know what they've sentenced me to, how that feels.

I dream about this happening every night of my life, and it's the only thing that could ever truly close that gaping wound in my heart.

...

He'd agree with me, he'd help me, he'd take my side though.

Because we agreed to be wrong together. My one and only love.

[evoanakin]

Ever since I was a kid I always felt that I was never fully accepted by my family. I was adopted and the way my family is (filled with issues & gossip) I was the outside person. I barely get to join games or conversations. Nobody really cared what I say or do, until they saw me failed. I longed for a family and wanting to create my own where everyone will be loved equally and accepted. I got bullied a lot growing up and some of my bullies have grown up and became my friends but some bullies never did. One of my bullies was my cousin. She was unbelievably evil. Tho she pushes me around and tells me things I am not, I still invite her when me and my mom will go out. I invite her to play my new toys. But after all of that kindness and sincerity.. she still hurts me, not just emotionally but physically and mentally. There were night or days that I would run away. Thats what I do. I run away from my bully. I would hide our gardens, or hide in the back of the car so that I won’t get hurt.

Then my mom finds out about it, and barely does anything. Cos people think of my mom as “the nice one” the “person who doesn’t get mad”. I was never really protected by my mom. Sometimes I hated her for that. Cos she would rather hide me with new toys, or ask me to stay in my room. Rather than confronting my bullies or help me out. I never really had anybody to be really there for me. When I needed it the most. I am always alone when it was in the lowest points.

In my current life, my biggest bully is my love. The way my bully was, she does the adult version of that and I still do the same thing. But for her, I am not a kid. I am just an unkind, two faces asshole. No matter what art of kindness I show onto her, she will never see me more than what I am. For years I let my love did that to me, but its not all her fault. Cos when I was running away, it was my choice to come back. It was my choice to get hurt and stay. It was my choice to keep trying to show them love and hope that love will be given in return. Through out time my love.. she hurt me so bad that I have nightmare about it. I feel my chest physically hurting because of it. Worst of all, is that she left alone to deal with it on my own and it like I didn’t matter.

But my bullies from back then and now have the same problem, you see. They never felt loved as kids. There innocents got taken away from them at a young age. They got hurt too much. They never saw real love like I did. They hated they’re parents growing up and they lie and make excuses to get by with other people. They hurt people cos they’re hurting inside. But was that fair to others? To ruin my once well-being because theirs was?

You would think that my bullies will have some consciousness that what she did was wrong and she finds way too make it right. But no. Thats not how the story goes. Cos bullies will forever be bullies. They have no remorse for people they hurt, they could say it but their actions don’t. Stupid thing about me is I believe in the best in people, that why I get disappointed a lot. I believe people can change for the good and treat each other good. We are not our parents, we should be better than them. My love.. hurt me so bad by giving me the love I didn’t deserve. No matter how much I tried, I still didn’t get it.

One day I went to the doctor and I told her that my heart is hurting physically and my head gets light weight and my left arms starts to numb. I wanted to get some test and exams but she said “have you hurt yourself physically in the past two week?” And I said yes. I tried to kill myself three time in the one week. I choked and hanged myself but nothing seems to work. I have cut myself and drove insanely fast until a car could hit me. She gave me some anti-depressants for like 1 month. I got better emotionally but my mind mentally was not. Cos in my head, even as I write this. All I could say every day is “I don’t want to be here.”.

My life right now is doing great. My family is healthy and well. I could sleep at night and wake up early in the morning. I go out with my friends and make them laugh. I even have my love in my life again after all that happen. Before she made a light in my life you know? That their is a chance that I could get accepted and loved beyond all. That she is the one. She the person who would stay forever. Shes the person that would make every hurt be okay and worth it. Yeah shes back. In my life. I asked God for so long to have her back in my life but.. I thought that would make it better but it still doesn’t. I don’t want need somebody to hurt or damage anything else. I’d rather be alone than to hurt anybody else.

I can’t do that to her..

But the things is, I want to leave all of that. I want to leave all of that in a heart beat. I don’t want to be with her or anybody. I tired of faking a smile and making my friends and family laugh. I don’t want anybody to talk or I don’t want to listen. I don’t want a good time cos good times go to bad times. Laughter turns into tears and every single person in the world is a fucking disappointment AND NOBODY CAN EVER CHANGE. HUMANS ARE JUST CRUEL AND MEAN AND FUCKING ASSHOLES. This world? Is not the world that I want to be in. I want everything to shut down and stop and end.

You would think, love or people will give you a reason to live and enjoy life. But there is no such thing or person could ever fill up this dark whole I am sinking in. I feel every day as if my heart is about to explode and my tears won’t stop. I don’t show it cos I know, no one will ever understand. Even I myself don’t understand where I am at. I don’t want to be in this world. I want it to stop. I want it all to end.

My last day here is my best day in all the days I lived. I want it to stop. I don’t want to be here no more.

[wastelandlovingscenarios]

regret | deacon x sole survivor

“i don’t feel the same way, charmer.” his voice was barely a whisper.

sole felt a lump grow in their throat as they tried to fight back the tears that threatened to escape. they tried to let out a simple, “okay, i understand,” but only silence filled the air.

deacon knows. he catches the tears building up in their eyes and knows their voice is silently attempting to scratch its way out.

he desperately wants to stop their pain, wipe their tears and remind them that he thinks no differently of their relationship, but something in his heart tugs as sole fights back to hide their vulnerability from him. “i’m sorry.” is all he truly lets out because in reality, his words are just as lost as soles own.

to sole, his words become a blur. their knees become weak as their vision becomes clouded with tears they refuse to let out.

‘i’ll give them time,’ he thinks but his feet struggle to find movement as he continues to stare down at sole, speechless for the first time in a long while.

before he could make a move, sole rushes out of the room, not sparing him a second glance. the sound of the door shutting behind him breaks deacon out of his trance, grounding him back to reality.

a tinge of regret pokes at his heart and he silently pushes it away, knowing that this was for the best. he didn’t have feelings for them and it was nothing but the truth.

or so he thought.

-

the next few weeks are almost a blur for him as his partner goes mia from the commonwealth. the first two weeks, he tries to let it be, convincing himself that sole might’ve needed some time to themselves to sort their feelings out, so he lets them. seeing them might be the last thing they need, so he tries to fight the urge to do so.

yet, as time goes by, the worry in his heart rapidly grows when they’re announced as missing by the minutemen. he grows unnaturally quiet upon hearing their words and feels himself grow weak at the possibilities of what could’ve happened to his partner.

searching far and wide did almost nothing for him and only flared his concern. there was little to no clues of their disappearance and the hope that he would find them sooner or later began to slowly deteriorate.

deacon takes in a deep breath, trying to soothe his mind of all the concern and regret. how could he let it get this bad? why couldn’t he at least check up on them day to day instead of running away?

deep down, he knew the truth of it all. it screamed volumes to him and no matter how much he tried to silence it, it grew louder with every passing second. he avoided sole as much as they avoided him because deacon refused to confront the truth between them both. he never provided closure because he never knew how to.

and the more he refused to face the reality of the situation, the longer the days stretched. he found himself pushing everyone away, spending countless nights with tears streaming down his face, hoping someday sole would just turn up on the railroads doorstep. he didn’t care if they forgave him or not— he just wanted to see them safe.

tonight, he found himself with a bottle in his hand, hunching over the counter as he drank the night. he silently thanked lady luck for landing him in an almost empty bar for no one to catch the state he put himself in. unbeknownst to him, a certain mercenary watched his back from the minute he’s entered the bar till the very last drop of his nth bottle.

“you know, i don’t think that’s a very healthy thing to do.” deacon looked over his shoulder, and though his vision continued to spin, he automatically recognized the annoying face that pestered him.

“let a man ‘ave fun, asshole.” he slurred, trying to push out a grin. maccready rolled his eyes and occupied the seat near deacon, folding his arms.

“i’m serious.” mac pulled the bottle away from his hands, tossing it to the bin nearby.

“hey, i was-!” before he could finish, the mercenary cut him off, not wanting to listen to a word that left his mouth. “do you wanna talk about it?”

his words cut through the facade he tried to pull off and deacon immediately fell silent upon his words. “i know we don’t meet eye to eye all that much, but i hate to see you like this.”

as much as he wanted to lie to his face, continue his said facade, he wasn’t physically able to upkeep that image anymore. it was extremely tiring, especially with everything going on. he let out a sigh and allowed his head to fall on his arms that rested on the table. “you wouldn’ understan’.”

theres a pregnant pause, but he eventually responds. “i don’t, but i could try.”

it takes him a few moments to decide whether or not to confide in someone, especially maccready of all people. to his dismay, the words leave his mouth before he could stop himself from letting it out.

“you won’t tell?” it’s a point of no return— he knows — but for some reason, he doesn’t take it back. was the consequences of actions finally getting to him? probably. he didn’t have time to think as maccready let out a small, but shocked, “of course.”

and so he lets it out— not everything — but enough for maccready to get the message. how it all lead up this point and how it contributed to their disappearance.

“i think i made a mistake.” he says, voice barely a whisper. “i made a huge fucking mistake and i don’t know what to do.”

mac looks down at agent with sympathy, detecting the pain trapped in his voice and sighs, “we all do. it’s just the human in us.”

the rest of his words grow obscured as his eyes droop, the alcohol and sleepless nights finally catching up to him. slowly, but surely, the world blacks out.

-

it’s almost dreamlike— the feeling of his hair being brushed softly and the way a familiar voice lulls him awake. he lets out a small groan as his head pounds violently from what he hoped was the night before. he thinks it’s all in his head; the soft touches and the soft voice that continued to fall upon his ears. it’s so painfully familiar, yet it couldn’t be but he felt his heart jump at the possibility of it.

“sole?” his eyes shoot open but close back in an instant as the gentle light illuminating from the window cracks filled his vision. his head dips on what seems to be their lap, trying to block it out desperately. he felt the same hand that brushed his locks rest on top of his eyes to protect it from the sunlight that only made his head throb more.

“morning sleepyhead.” upon hearing that sweet sound, tears began to form in his eyes once more. the one person he’s yearned to see for what seemed like centuries was finally within arms reach. just like that, his tears fell effortlessly, collecting in soles hand as it streamed down his cheeks.

“deacon?” before they could remove their hand to reveal the tears spilling from his eyes, he quickly places his hand on top of theirs as a silent request to keep his eyes hidden.

“i’m sorry.” he chokes out, voice cracking through each word that left his lips, “i’m fucking sorry. i-“ he gently squeezed the same hand that rested on top of theirs. sole remained silent, watching as he spoke through ragged breaths. he tried his best to muster out his apologies, thoughts — feelings — through the pounding of his mind.

“everything i said, it was a lie. it was all a fucking lie just to avoid having some kind of attachment in my life. i hurt you because i was scared of facing my fears.”

“lie? scared? deacon, what-,” their words drifted into nothingness as deacon continued on.

“no matter how much i tried to run away from it, i knew i couldn’t. i had feelings for you. feelings more than this partnership that we both agreed to do, more than the best friends we claimed to be.” at this point, his feelings poured through the cracks of his heart and he knew that he would fix it this time, even if sole no longer felt the same way. “i fell for you hard. i was in love with you and i still am, sole.”

after a deep breath, he continued on. “you don’t have to forgive me. you don’t even have to give me the chance to love you properly, i just want you to know i’m sorry. i’m sorry it had to take you to leave from my life for me realize how much this meant to me. how much you meant to me.”

for a moment, it’s still; the air seems tense at first and time seems to freeze. there’s this sense of fear that overtakes his mind for a mere second.

soon enough, time seems to continue on as sole places a soft kiss on his forehead, allowing it to linger for a few seconds. “we’ll talk about this more when you wake up, okay?” they whisper and as reassuring as it sounds, he’s still terrified. terrified that he’ll wake up alone.

“will you be here when i wake up?” he tries to let it out calmly, but there is a hint of panic and unsureness in his voice he couldn’t push away any longer. all of that seems to melt away as sole lets out a small chuckle, his heart swelling with a mix of pain and relief.

“yes.” they reassure, “i’ll be here for as long as you need me.”

he let out a relieved sigh, keeping his hand on top of the one that covered his eyes. for the first time in weeks, everything finally felt right.

“love you, charmer.” before he could hear their reply, he felt himself being pulled into slumber that quietly called his name.

#fallout #fallout 4 #fallout 4 companions react #fallout 4 companions #fallout 4 reacts #fallout fanfiction #fallout reacts #fallout reactions #fallout x reader #deacon/sole survivor #deacon x sole survivor #deacon x reader #deacon #angst #happy ending #one shot