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aquaquadrant · 3 years

Text

the little things

Kenji’s mouth is dry. “Ben…?” he croaks out.

Ben swallows. “Oh,” he says, in a very small voice. “It’s you.”

~*~

Ben’s been reunited with the other campers, and seems to have come out the other end of his experience stronger than ever before. But as he slowly finds his place back within the group, a bigger picture starts to emerge, piece by piece.

Rated T for: mental illness, mild language, panic attacks, PTSD, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorder (not in a traditional sense, but definitely not a healthy relationship with food)

A/N: Hey Camp Cretaceous fandom, y’all mind if I uhhhh write six-thousand words about Ben’s trauma?? Basically, Netflix kept recommending the show to me so I watched the first ep out of curiosity and then ended up binging the whole thing in like two days, and now here I am.

(Dear sweet, patient, regular readers of mine: I’m so sorry my main fic’s been delayed but I promise it’s getting updated next week, I just had to get some feelings out about Sad Dino Boy)

Hope you enjoy, please reblog and leave a comment if you do! - Aqua

Click here to read on A03 (with more complete tags)

~*~

the little things

~*~

Ben Pincus has returned from the dead, and he’s never been better.

The other campers are amazed. What he’s been through must have been horrible. He thought he was the only one left, that there was no one to help him and no hope of rescue because he was presumed dead. It would’ve been enough to drive anyone into despair, or off of the deep end.

But Ben shows no signs of this.

They didn’t find him holed up somewhere, near starvation and waiting to die, like one might’ve expected. They didn’t find him at all, really. He found them, and by coming to their rescue, no less. And when he did, he wasn’t a trembling mess, he wasn’t a half-mad ball of paranoia, and he wasn’t a hollow-eyed skeleton fueled solely by desperation.

He’s an all new and improved Ben, the best version of himself.

He hasn’t just survived, he’s flourished. He’s brave, he’s confident, he’s capable. He gives his opinions freely and without second-guessing himself, suggesting things the old Ben would’ve recoiled at. He fits seamlessly into the team like he never left. He faces problems head-on with determination and grit and not a trace of fear.

The turnaround is unbelievable. But even more important is that while he’s a new and improved Ben, he’s retained all the best parts of his old self.

Ben is easy smiles and meticulous organization of a leather waist bag and doting affection for a four-ton armored lizard. He’s sensitive and soft-spoken and accepts hugs from his friends gratefully. He still can’t quite pull off coolness, with a voice that sounds as gangly as his limbs look and an awkwardness he hasn’t grown out of.

And it’s perhaps because of this that no one thinks to look closer. This image is an easy thing to accept because it’s what they all want to believe, that Ben is okay- in fact, better than okay. But the truth is not always big and obvious upon first glance.

It’s the little things, as they soon find out.

~*~

That first evening after Ben’s return, after Mitch and Tiff and everything else, they don’t eat dinner.

They all ate their fill at the campsite and, after a month of scarcity, it was more than enough to sate their appetites. It’s Darius who thinks to ask Ben if he’s hungry, remembering that the boy hadn’t had the chance to eat with them. They have a good stockpile of food at the moment and he figures Ben must’ve been struggling.

But Ben shakes his head with an easy smile, and says, “Nah, I ate earlier.”

Darius leaves it at that, because there’s still so much catching up to do. They show Ben around their clubhouse, make plans for where to build a bunk for him (he insists he’d be just fine sleeping on the ground next to Bumpy, but they all veto that immediately). They talk well into the night about the day’s crazy events, filling each other in on their own sides of the story, and everything that’s happened since Ben got separated.

There are some more tears, some more hugs. But ultimately, the mood in the clubhouse is ecstatic. They never thought Ben had survived the fall so to have him back is better than a dream come true, it’s a miracle.

Darius thought he knew what it was to experience a miracle when they first saw that bonfire smoke on the horizon. But if he had to chose between the miracle of them finally leaving the island or the miracle of getting Ben back, it’s not even a competition.

Eventually the exhaustion catches up with everyone, and they turn in for the night. Bumpy parks herself underneath the clubhouse, her presence incredibly reassuring. Ben ends up sharing Kenji’s bunk because it’s bigger than Darius’s even when occupied by two, and the older teen had insisted in a very faux-casual way, to which Ben had rolled his eyes but nonetheless seemed touched by the gesture.

Darius takes the first night watch shift and gets to see all his friends sleeping peacefully. And even though Tiff sailed away with their only means for escaping, he feels a lot more hopeful than he has in a long time.

~*~

It’s canned peaches for breakfast.

A far cry from yesterday’s buffet. But no one’s complaining because the meticulous rationing of their food, courtesy of Darius, means they’re all starving by meal time and couldn’t care less what it tastes like. Darius is in the process of separating the food out into bowls, half a can for each of them, when he realizes Ben has yet to take a seat. He’s lingering at the edge of the room, watching.

“Hey,” Darius calls, “you coming or what?”

Ben shakes his head. “Thanks, but I already got my own breakfast.”

Before Darius can respond, Brooklynn shoots Ben a look. “What? Where?” she demands. “You holding out on us, jungle boy?”

Darius shoots her a look, but Ben just gives an easy smile and unzips the leather pouch that’s reclaimed its spot around his waist. He withdraws a small handful of bright red berries, no bigger than blueberries. It’s not even a fraction of the half-can of peaches the rest of them are settling for, and Darius sees his own unease reflected in the others’ eyes.

Brooklynn glances away. “Oh. Um, sorry. You don’t… you can have some of ours, you know?”

“I’m good.” Ben tosses a couple berries into his mouth. “You guys go ahead, I’m gonna go check on Bumpy.”

“O- oh, okay…” Sammy murmurs, watching Ben go with uncertain eyes. “If you’re sure…”

They’re silent for a moment.

Kenji inhales quietly through his teeth. “So… that’s weird, right?”

Yaz leans forward in her seat. “What do you think, Darius?” she asks lowly.

Darius bites his lip. Even though dinosaurs are his specific topic of interest, he’s gained a lot of second-hand knowledge about general biology and psychology. After all, he has to understand the processes behind behavior in order to identify patterns and deviations.

And right now, he has to admit that Ben is displaying a very concerning behavior.

“I’ll talk to him,” Darius decides.

There’s a collective sigh of relief around the table, and the others start eating. It takes Darius longer than usual to finish his serving.

~*~

“So, uh, bottom line is… you don’t need to feel bad about eating our food. You’re as much a part of this group as anyone else, and we’re happy to share.”

After a couple tense days, Darius is finally talking to Ben about the food situation. Or rather, talking at him. Because Ben’s not looking at Darius- his eyes are tracking the small spider that’s crawling along the railing next to them. Normally, Darius would take it as a sign of boredom and inattentiveness. But there’s an intensity in Ben’s eye that’s a little unsettling-

Quick as a flash, Ben shoots out an arm. He crushes the spider under his thumb and swipes it into his mouth. And then, untroubled as can be, he returns his focus to Darius as if nothing had happened.

Darius has overheard Kenji teasing Ben about eating bugs, and Ben has admitted as much in the stories of his time alone. Berries and grubs were what he lived on. Darius, for one, can’t imagine being hungry and desperate enough to snatch a bug off the ground and eat it.

But it’s even harder to imagine having access to real food, good food, and still choosing to eat bugs.

“Don’t worry so much,” Ben says lightly, patting Darius on the shoulder as he turns to go. “I can take care of myself.”

That does it. “You can’t keep living off berries and grubs!” Darius finally snaps.

Ben whirls around. “Says who?”

“Basic human biology!” Darius retorts.

Ben glares at him, but there’s something shaky behind it. “Darius, I told you it’s fine,” he says evenly, though he doesn’t fully meet Darius’s gaze. “Don’t make a big deal out of it. Please? If I’m hungry, I’ll eat.”

Darius hesitates. “You promise?”

Ben breaks into an easy smile. “I promise.”

Darius sighs. It’ll have to be good enough, for now.

“Okay.”

~*~

Darius knows he isn’t the only one still concerned by Ben’s lack of appetite.

Right from the start, Ben was the scrawniest one among them, and it’s only gotten worse. But surely he’ll have to eat at some point, right? Basic survival instincts will win out over whatever stubborn mindset is holding him back. Plus, it’s clear that he’s got enough energy to run and climb and stuff with no problem.

Maybe it’s not as serious as Darius thinks. Maybe Ben just needs time.

~*~

Ben doesn’t know what’s wrong with him.

He just- he can’t take their food! Why don’t they get that?

And it’s not because he’s stubborn, it’s not- no matter what Darius thinks. There’s nothing wrong with letting others help you (as long as you don’t let it make you soft, of course). After all, he relies on Bumpy. He just… when he looks at the food, and imagines eating it, he just knows it’ll sit in his stomach. Like a rock, weighing him down.

Plus, plus, if he gets used to eating like that, it’ll just- it’ll be harder to cope once it runs out. He’s already gotten used to roughing it and it was hard enough the first time, he can’t let himself slip back into complacency. And- and really, how long do they think it’s going to last? They’ve searched all the previously inhabited areas of the island and there’s no more food for them to scavenge.

Do they think they’ll be rescued before it runs out? No one is coming to save them. They know it as much as Ben does- they wouldn’t be bothering with rafts if they didn’t. Do they think they’ll escape, then? Sure, because their current attempts have been going so well.

No, they just aren’t thinking long term. Ben is.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

~*~

It’s the sixth day in a row where Ben eats nothing but berries.

He wants to search around some more, see if there’s anything more substantial. That would require him to leave Bumpy, though. And he can’t leave Bumpy. But the hunger is excruciating. It gnaws at him every waking moment, keeps him up at night. He’s never felt such hunger in his life, not even close. He can’t keep going like this, can he?

But there’s nothing else.

Except… something’s crawling up his arm. Something small, and leggy. Ben turns his head, squinting to focus his eyes in the dark. It’s some kind of beetle, with a shiny shell that catches stray shafts of moonlight poking through the roof of his lean-to.

Ben stares at it for a moment. Then, before he can think, he snatches it up and pops it into his mouth. He barely registers any taste, mostly just the crunchy texture. And even though it wasn’t any bigger than a quarter, after he swallows, he feels… fuller. Even if it’s purely imagined, it’s a comfort.

Berries and grubs. It’ll have to be enough.

There’s nothing else.

~*~

Ben continues to decline their offers of food.

~*~

A few weeks after the reunion, Kenji is starting to get antsy.

As the self-designated ‘pro-fun police’ (a clever play on ‘no-fun police,’ if Kenji does say so himself), he’s made it his responsibility to make sure none of his friends just keel over and die from stress one day. That means it’s his job- no, his duty- to lighten the mood with copious amounts of joking, goofing off, and, of course, pranking.

Jumping out to scare his friends while they’re trapped on a dino-infested island might, on paper, sound like a bad idea. But it keeps everyone on their toes, and the relief of realizing they aren’t facing a dino attack, just Kenji pulling a prank, helps keep any real anger at bay. It’s typically an exasperated annoyance, which Kenji will gladly take. His main targets are Brooklynn and Darius, because he can’t fathom doing that to Sammy, and Yaz is- while perhaps in the most need of lightening up- super freaking scary.

But now that Ben’s back, Kenji knows what he has to do.

Before, back when they were just campers and not survivors, Ben was easily the most frightened of them. The kid was scared of dirt. And his over-the-top hysterics always managed to, somehow, put everyone else at ease. Because if Ben was scared of something, that didn’t really mean anything. Again; scared of dirt.

(Now, if Yaz is scared of something, that’s a different story).

Since Ben’s, uh… departure, they’ve been sorely lacking that energy in the group. Kenji would wager he’s not the only one who misses it. He used to have so much fun riling Ben up with just a couple words (none of the others are so easily baited). And whenever Ben would freak out and instantly cling to him, like some kind of scrawny spider monkey, it made Kenji feel… capable, in a way.

Like, if Ben was trusting Kenji to protect him, maybe he wasn’t so useless after all (which was becoming an all too frequent feeling as the others continued to adapt and grow, leaving Kenji struggling to keep up).

Problem is, Ben’s really hard to scare now.

It’s not always obvious, like when he’s bragging about taking down Toro or itching to blow things up. Sometimes it’s the little things. Whenever they’re out in a group, foraging or gathering supplies, and there’s a sound in the distance that makes them all freeze, Ben’s frozen in readiness, not fear. He looks more like Yaz, tense and waiting with his fists up and eyes narrowed.

Sometimes, when they aren’t occupied by any particular task or imminent threat, and have the chance to enjoy some downtime, Ben drifts off to the side and just… watches, all tense, silent, and anxious. He’ll watch the tree line, or Bumpy on the ground below, or even just the rest of them as they go about their business. Kenji is sure he’s not the only one who’s noticed but none of them bring it up.

It’s… unsettling, seeing Ben like this. Kenji figured he just needed a couple weeks to fall back into the rhythm of the group, to see that he didn’t have to be this loner Rambo type of guy anymore. But even though he talks with them easy enough, seems to enjoy their company, and has a good handle on teamwork, it’s like there’s a part of him that can’t fully shake that mentality.

At least, not without help.

~*~

Kenji’s plan is- in his humble opinion- pretty dang brilliant.

He waits for a time when it’s just him and Ben in the main level of the clubhouse (Yaz is running laps around their perimeter, Darius is in his bunk writing in his nerd book, Brooklynn and Sammy are upstairs going over inventory) and then announces he’s going for a shower. His daily showers are common knowledge at this point, so Ben just nods in acknowledgement and goes back to leaning against the railing, watching Bumpy graze down below in that tense-silent-anxious way of his.

Kenji sets up the shower and lets it run (he’ll go down to the river later and get more water to make up for the waste, because even though he tries to avoid manual labor whenever possible, it’s totally worth it in this case). And then, being more careful and silent than he’s ever been (except maybe in cases where he’s being hunted by dinos), he slowly creeps up behind Ben before leaping forward with a shriek, grabbing him by the shoulders.

Ben doesn’t just jump and scream. He jumps, screams, then spins around and swings a fist into Kenji’s jaw in one smooth motion.

Kenji’s laughing even as he staggers back, his jaw stinging (because at the end of the day, even though Ben’s kind of a badass now, he’s still Ben and his arms are pretty much chicken wings so there’s no real harm done, just a bruise at most). Plus that’s a valid reaction, considering everything, and he can’t say he didn’t deserve it.

“Oh man, I totally got you!” Kenji says anyways, to rub it in. “You should see your… face...”

And Kenji trails off because now he’s seeing Ben’s face.

What Kenji expected is this:

Once Ben realized it was just him pulling a prank, he would get mad. In that totally non-threatening dorky Ben way, where he scrunches his nose and puffs out his cheeks, his little fists clenched at his side like an irate toddler. Maybe he’d stomp off but it’d be worth it because being mad is better than being tense-silent-anxious and it’d give him the chance to be annoyed with Kenji. And maybe Ben being annoyed with Kenji would help everything feel a little more normal, a little more like before.

What Kenji gets is this:

Once Ben realizes it was just him pulling a prank, he doesn’t get mad. He starts shaking. Violently, uncontrollably. Like he’s suddenly come down with hypothermia despite being in a tropical jungle, staring at Kenji all the while and not saying a word. His chest rises and falls rapidly in little panicky breaths and the kind of fear in his eyes isn’t the kind that’s funny. It’s glassy-eyed with shrunken pupils that dart around Kenji’s face, frightened and searching, as if he isn’t fully seeing it.

Kenji’s mouth is dry. “Ben…?” he croaks out.

Ben swallows. “Oh,” he says, in a very small voice. “It’s you.”

Kenji hasn’t heard Ben’s voice sound that small since before, and it doesn’t feel like a victory.

By now, of course, the others have noticed the commotion and it doesn’t take more than a second for them to piece together what happened. Yaz rounds on Kenji with a furious snarl and whisper-screams a lecture about how stupid and irresponsible he is. Darius is immediately trying to mediate the situation while Sammy frantically asks Ben if he’s okay, to which he doesn’t respond. Brooklynn steps in, citing an unboxing video about dealing with shock, and when she goes to put a hand on Ben’s shoulder, he lets her.

And now Kenji realizes where he miscalculated. Ben never showed discomfort with physical contact before because he’d never been surprised by it before (because Ben has gotten scary good at being alert, always keeping an eye and an ear out on his surroundings even in the middle of a conversation). And when it came to his friends, it wasn’t unexpected for Sammy to rush in with a hug or Darius to pat his shoulder or Brooklynn to playfully knock elbows.

But Kenji snuck up on him, so Ben’s first thought wasn’t that it was a friend. It was that he was going to have to run for his life, like he has countless times since being stranded on this island.

Kenji apologizes over and over again as Darius gently leads him away by the elbow and Brooklynn talks to Ben in low tones while Sammy squeezes his hand and Yaz takes up a lookout position because they can’t afford for all of them to be distracted even though she occasionally cuts a glare at Kenji out of the corner of her eye so it’s really debatable how vigilant she’s actually being.

Throughout it all, Ben doesn’t get mad, but he doesn’t stop shaking.

~*~

Darius explains it, later.

“The sudden fear reaction signaled a bunch of adrenaline to be released into his bloodstream, to give him the energy needed for running. And then, when he didn’t, there was nowhere for that energy to go. It’s like, even though his mind knew there wasn’t any danger, his body wasn’t convinced.” Then, a sympathetic look. “You didn’t know, man.”

Kenji only nods. But knowing doesn’t make it better because even though Ben’s stopped shaking he doesn’t turn his back on Kenji anymore and somehow that’s a million times worse than if he’d gotten mad.

~*~

There are claws wrapped around Ben’s shoulders and shrieks in his ears.

Wind whips his face and his stomach lurches as he’s carried through the air, weightless, at the mercy of the Pteranodon. He’s never felt so small and utterly helpless before, not once in his life. Even his screams aren’t big enough to carry, snatched away by the wind and deafened by the roars of the terror-birds fighting over the right to tear him limb from limb.

And then he’s falling and has other things to worry about.

~*~

Ben stops sharing Kenji’s bunk.

~*~

In a rare moment of downtime, Yasmina is curled up with Darius’s field guide, adding a few more illustrations, when she feels Ben staring at her.

It’s not the first time she’s felt him staring at her. It is the first time, however, that she decides to stare back.

She means it to be playful, at first. She meets his eyes, one brow quirked as if to say, ‘What, is there something on my face?’ But instead of glancing away in sheepish embarrassment or jolting out of a daze, Ben just stares back. There’s no emotion in his expression at all except intense focus.

The faint smile drops from Yasmina’s face as she stares back in surprise. Then, with ever-growing confusion and a fair amount of alarm, she realizes that Ben’s shoulders are rising, tense and hunched like he’s trying to make himself look bigger.

Like an animal.

Yasmina knows what it is to stare down a wild animal. She’s felt predatory eyes on her before and either bolted or turned to face the challenge. And that’s what it is, for some of the dinos- a challenge. Sometimes they’re testing your mettle, and standing your ground is enough to make them back off.

Ben must’ve learned that, too. And for whatever reason, he’s slipping into that behavior now.

It’s a ridiculous thought. This is Ben, her friend. Her very scrawny friend who can’t weigh more than ninety pounds soaking wet, and prefers a diet of berries and grubs. And yet, here he is, staring her down like she’s a particularly bold pack of Compies that’s decided to threaten him.

Yasmina gives a slow, deliberate blink. “Ben?” she calls. “What’s up?”

Just like that, the spell is broken. Ben gives a violent start, blinking and shaking his head. Yasmina sees confusion flash across his face, and then realization. And now the embarrassment comes, but it’s darkened by something like horror.

Without a word, Ben turns and darts away, scrambling down the ladder to the alcove underneath the house where Bumpy’s napping.

Yasmina lets him go, too baffled and unsettled to form words.

~*~

Eventually, Yasmina tells Darius about it.

His expression is troubled as she runs through the incident. But in the end, there’s nothing more he can tell her than what she’s already worked out on her own. It’s just another side effect of the mindset Ben has adopted throughout his isolation. Those habits were what he relied on to survive, and it’ll take time for him to realize he doesn’t have to constantly be on edge now that he’s got a team to look out for him.

Though privately, Yasmina wonders if maybe the rest of them should take a page out of Ben’s book. Seems like he’s got a better handle on survival than they do.

(And then she thinks how Sammy would react, if Yasmina started acting like a wary animal around her, and she realizes Ben’s methods come with a price.)

~*~

After Ben runs the Compies off for the first time, staring becomes a defense tactic.

It’s not always the Compies, who are slowly but surely learning not to mess with him. Sometimes it’s the Parasaurolophus in the river, or the lone Pteranodon perched in a tree, or the group of Edmontosauruses grazing on the hilltop. As soon as he feels their eyes on him, he knows his best chance is to stare back, to show that he’s willing to put up a fight, that chasing him wouldn’t be worth it.

Obviously, there are some dinosaurs that doesn’t work on. But if Ben can drastically cut down the amount of time spent running for his life by standing his ground, then he’ll take it.

All he has to do is not back down.

~*~

Ben avoids Yasmina for the next few days.

~*~

Brooklynn wakes up in the middle of the night with an unshakeable feeling that something is wrong.

Her bad feeling is confirmed when she gets a look at the moon. Based on its position in the sky, she should’ve been woken up by Ben to take her night watch shift at least an hour ago. This practice, established by Darius months ago who insisted they should always have at least one person awake, has already become routine within the group. Brooklynn couldn’t sleep fully through the night if she tried.

Ben’s only just recently become a part of the routine. Immediately after his return, Darius thought it best just to let Ben settle in and get as much rest as he could, now that he had the security to do so, and everyone agreed. Ben had insisted he didn’t mind, but Darius stood firm, so it’s only been within the last few days that Ben took part.

But this is the first time he hasn’t woken Brooklynn up and her heart is in her throat as she rushes to the lookout point-

Only to find Ben sitting right where he’s supposed to be, looking out over their compound as a small candle burns next to him.

As soon as Brooklynn’s relief passes, it’s replaced with anger. “What are you doing?” she whispers furiously.

Ben, not at all surprised by her presence, gives her a sidelong look. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

“You were supposed to wake me up, so I could do night watch.” Brooklynn struggles to keep her voice low, so as not to alert the others. “What gives?”

Ben shrugs. “I knew I wasn’t gonna sleep tonight, so I figured I’d just take the whole watch myself.”

“That’s not how this works,” Brooklynn hisses, crossing her arms. “Even if you can’t fall asleep- and I’ve totally been there- you have to lay down and close your eyes and rest. You need to rest.”

Ben breaks into an easy smile, but Brooklynn can see the annoyed creases at his eyes. “Hey, it’s fine. I can-”

“Take care of yourself, I know,” Brooklynn interrupts, hating how frustrated she sounds but unable to help it. “But you don’t have to. We’re a team. We can take care of you too, alright?”

Ben stares at her for a moment. “I know that,” he says, sounding uncertain.

Brooklynn softens. When she reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder, he lets her. “Then… why?”

“I don’t know,” Ben admits. The muscles beneath Brooklynn’s hand are so tense, it feels like they’re going to snap. “I don’t know.”

They finish the night watch together.

~*~

Brooklynn almost hates to bring it up to Darius.

Dude’s stressing almost nonstop about everything, all the time. And it really isn’t fair for him to be responsible for the rest of them, including Ben. But Darius is the only one who seems to have the… what’s it called, emotional intelligence, she supposes, to weigh in on the situation.

(Sammy is a close second, but her brand of caring is a little more touchy-feely, and this doesn’t seem like the right time for that.)

Darius is immediately worried, pointing out that Ben might accidentally fall asleep on watch if he keeps this up (something Brooklynn hadn’t even thought about). He promises to talk to Ben about it, and that’s that.

Brooklynn is only slightly relieved because she knows if Darius had a real fix for the problem, he would’ve said so. And if Darius doesn’t have a fix for it, maybe there isn’t one.

~*~

Those first several nights, Ben doesn’t sleep at all.

And it’s not for lack of trying. But how can he sleep, when it’s pitch black and the jungle is full of unfamiliar sounds and he’s got no one but a baby Ankylosaurus by his side? He soon finds it’s even worse without Bumpy, though, because at least he trusted that Bumpy would wake up if there was any danger, as her senses are more powerful than his.

On his own, there’s no one to wake him up. So he has to stay up, and settle for catching short scattered naps throughout the day (if he can find a tree to hide up in).

It’s hard, but he’d rather be tired than dead.

~*~

Ben is taken off night watch, but still ends up awake more often than not.

~*~

Pyromaniac is a word no one ever expected to become synonymous with Ben, and yet here they are.

It’s one of the first things he always suggests as an answer to a problem; blow something up. Darius has a million reasons for them not to do that; they could get hurt, they could start a wildfire and burn the jungle down, they could attract unwanted attention from predators.

But that doesn’t stop Ben from cataloguing everything on the island that can be used as an explosive, memorizing their locations or creating hidden stashes. It doesn’t stop him from using the candles that came with the scavenged emergency kits. He’ll light them for no reason, just to watch the small flame flicker back and forth.

(Someday, months later, they’ll encounter a horrific hybrid dinosaur that is drawn to flames, and they’ll all think about how unsettling it is that Ben shares this trait, but none of them will say it.)

~*~

It’s been one week since Bumpy left, and Ben is starting a fire.

Just a small one. It rained all day and he’s soaked to the bone, which normally wouldn’t be a huge problem considering the jungle climate. But now that it’s nighttime, there’s a chill in the air and he can’t afford to get sick. It’s risky, because at night he knows the light could draw attention to him, but his teeth are starting to chatter so there’s no helping it.

When a Stegosaurus stumbles upon him, baying low and angry at finding another creature in its territory, it’s the fire that makes it balk. Rumbling displeasure, it retreats back into the dark jungle. Ben quickly adds torches to his arsenal, using the rest of his shirt as tinder.

Fire is safety.

~*~

Ben lights his candles in silence.

~*~

“You can’t just run off like that,” Kenji says, deadly serious.

Ben scoffs. “I think you’re forgetting who defeated Toro,” he says with an easy smile.

“You’re not invincible, Ben!” Kenji snaps. The anger churning inside him is deceptively hollow, like it’s masking something else. “And I can’t lose you again.”

Ben isn’t smiling anymore. “You won’t,” he mutters, pushing past Kenji. “I can take care of myself, now. I don’t need you to play the hero and protect me.”

Kenji wants to protest that’s not what this is about, and that’s never been what this is about, but Ben is already gone.

~*~

Ben still lives off berries and grubs.

~*~

“… and so I was thinking, berries have seeds in them, right? So if we plant some, we’ll have our own berry bushes at the clubhouse. It’ll cut down our foraging time in the mornings for sure, and-”

“Uh, who are you talking to, Ben?”

Ben blinks at Yasmina’s voice, the girl having only just entered the room.

“Um, Bumpy?” he says, as if this should be obvious.

Yasmina glances out at the compound, where Bumpy is fast asleep and well out of earshot.

“… right.”

~*~

Ben can’t sleep, even when he’s actually trying.

~*~

“Alright,” Darius says, “so we need to get the T-Rex out of Main Street so we can do another sweep for supplies. Any ideas?”

Ben’s hand goes up.

“For the hundredth time, Ben, we aren’t going to feed the T-Rex to the Mosasaurus.”

Ben’s hand goes down.

~*~

Ben feels more at home with Bumpy than the other campers.

~*~

“You know we didn’t mean to leave you, right? We would’ve come back for you if we’d known…”

~*~

Ben never talks about getting off the island.

~*~

“You have to tell us where you’re going, Ben, you can’t just disappear-”

~*~

Ben keeps slipping away.

~*~

“Blowing stuff up isn’t the answer to everything!”

~*~

Ben keeps saying he’s okay.

~*~

“We’re a team, we have to work together-”

~*~

Ben keeps smiling.

~*~

“Don’t you trust us to protect you?”

~*~

Ben doesn’t know.

~*~

Sammy finds Ben sitting on the roof of the clubhouse one day.

Her footsteps are loud and obvious as she approaches him. No chance of sneaking up. She knows he’s noticed her, from the subtle shift in his body. He doesn’t acknowledge her, though, continuing to stare off over the jungle and into the horizon, his skinny legs slotted through the railing and dangling over the edge.

The sun’s about to set, a few stars already twinkling in the purple edges of the sky. Sammy can remember another night, months ago, where Ben wasn’t here but everyone else was and they spotted bonfire smoke in the distance. She remembers the way her heart raced, the overwhelming joy and relief flooding through her. And yet, there had been undeniable heartache, because the realization that they’d made it out only meant it was more unfair that Ben hadn’t.

Sammy breaks the silence after a few moments.

“Are you okay?”

Ben doesn’t look at her, but she can see the easy smile that slants across his face, dying sunlight reflected in his eyes.

“Yeah.”

Sammy sees the lie for what it is. None of them are okay. No one who’s been through what they have would be. But there’s a certain danger that comes with not being willing to admit it, and an even greater danger that comes with not being able to see it.

“Y’know, it’d be fine if you weren’t.”

Ben doesn’t answer.

Sammy sits with him until the sky turns dark.

~*~

It’s the way he struggles to eat anything he hasn’t obtained by himself.

It’s the way he sometimes goes off on his own without telling anyone.

It’s the way he talks to himself when he thinks no one else is around.

It’s the way he takes any concern for his safety as a personal attack.

It’s the way he leaps at the chance to blow something up.

It’s the way he can stare silently for hours.

It’s the way he smiles a little too easily.

~*~

It’s not jumping at every unexpected movement, or screaming awake from night terrors, or flinching away from the slightest touch. It’s not loud meltdowns or hysterical sobbing or uncontrollable fits of rage.

(Even though those will come, someday, when the island is just a memory.)

It’s the little things, that- once you notice them- keep piling up.

And suddenly, they don’t seem so little anymore.

~*~

#jurassic world camp cretaceous #camp cretaceous #jwcc #jwcc fanfic #my writing

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qqueenofhades · 3 years

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Fedyor is just as afraid of somehow losing Ivan as Ivan is of losing him, but he's just better at hiding it. He's usually the optimistic one and he's known as the sunshine half of the Kaminskys, but he can also have depressive episodes and fearing that he's not going to fix anything and just going to endanger the life that they've managed to make.

This is such an interesting and great take on Fedyor and i have many feelings about 🥺🥺🥺 Reading this though made me realize that generally we see Fedyor in a good place throughout PEL and the fivan backstory fic — the one glaring exception being the proposal chapter ofc. I mean Fedyor gets kidnapped by Nazis and is still kicking without a missed beat. Which does make me wonder exactly the kind of dark episodes Ivan has had to pull Fedyor out of privately and I’d love to know more about Ivan being that rock and source of comfort for Fedyor the way we see Fedyor be there for Ivan (especially in the Drag Queen backstory!).

also i have many many feelings about the fact that one of Fedyor’s biggest fears is making things worse and ruining the life he has with Ivan and then…it kind of, sort of happens in PEL. Nobody obviously blames Fedyor, least of all Ivan, but I think Fedyor would feel a bit of guilt. I mean he tried to help Nina, instead got kidnapped by Nazis and then his husband almost got shot trying to find him (and Matthias was in a really bad place because he thankfully saved Ivan’s ass). And all of this shooting and almost dying is a very very scary thing for Fedyor to try to wrap his head around after the fact. And I don’t think by any means that Fedyor regrets helping Nina but there is this scary part of his brain that’s won’t shut up sometimes and is like “Did I just make everything worse???”

Welp. I do think that post-PEL, once Fedyor and Ivan get home to Brighton Beach and everything really hits, there will definitely be some trauma to work through on both their parts. Ivan will have to deal with his fear of almost losing Fedyor, Fedyor will have to deal with his guilt over supposedly causing that situation/almost getting so many people hurt as a result of rescuing him, and they'll definitely need some therapy, as another anon suggested. Because yeah, they both dealt with it like badasses the whole time, but that doesn't mean that they weren't both fucking terrified, and that will have to be reckoned with.

Ivan, of course, isn't all that good at talking about emotions, whether his or anyone's, but he shows his love through his actions. Whether it's turning up at protests that he personally thinks are stupid in order to physically protect Fedyor, or putting together that whole military-grade rescue plot to save him from goddamn Nazis, or doing anything that Fedyor wants even if he has to grumble first, Ivan has already demonstrated his devotion in countless different ways. Fedyor likes to talk about things and provide the verbal reassurances that Ivan needs, such as in the drag queen backstory, but there's no doubt that Ivan has done just as much for him. I mean, the man left Russia and agreed to head into exile in order to marry Fedyor and be with him, gave up his entire life and everything he had ever known, to go to a foreign country where he had never been before, didn't necessarily trust, and didn't particularly speak or read the language. Even though they're living in a very Russian neighborhood, there's still a serious culture shock to get over, the knowledge that he can't go home again soon or probably for years, and... yeah.

(This isn't to suggest that you were implying that Ivan hadn't supported Fedyor the same way Fedyor has supported him, lmao. I just have Many Feelings about Phantomverse Ivan and how VERY far he has come and everything he has done over the years.)

As for Fedyor's dark episodes, he certainly can give into the "our country is doomed why am I even wasting my time" activist ennui that he and all his friends feel, even though they keep working through it, and Ivan has to be there for him in his gruff Ivan way. Fedyor's organization is also occasionally contacted by desperate Russian parents who are trying to get treatment for their sick kids abroad. The way the medical system works in Russia is that if a drug isn't approved in the country, a patient can't be treated with it, and the approval process is complicated, lengthy, and subject to bureaucratic delays and runarounds. This is bad news for kids with very rare disorders for which the only effective (and expensive) medicine exists in the West. The parents have to apply to the regional medical authority for them to buy it/administer it at a federal hospital, which are almost all in Moscow. And if that doesn't work, they pretty much have no choice but to go abroad, and for working-class Russian people who have no way of getting that kind of money, they don't know what else to do aside from internet appeals and emailing everyone they can think of.

Anyway, Fedyor's organization takes these kinds of requests from time to time, from people who are not necessarily opponents of the Putin regime but are willing to ask Russian activists abroad for help getting treatment for their kids, even knowing that this will probably cause trouble for them when they return home. Fedyor and his colleagues can sometimes help, but sometimes they can't, and he feels intensely guilty about having to turn them down and know that he's basically sentencing that kid to a lifetime of not having the right treatment/dying young, because they can't get it in Russia. That fucks with his head almost more than anything else he does, and Ivan has to take special care of him when that happens.

Likewise, LGBTQ Russians are often in contact with Fedyor and company, and he has to help them emigrate or whatever other arrangements they need. Gender confirmation surgery/hormone replacement therapy for trans Russians is (for the moment) still available, but it's insanely hard to get approval from the government commission who has to okay it, and transgender people can't hold driver's licenses or other essential IDs. So Fedyor often has to help trans Russians find some way to get their treatment somewhere outside the country and then decide if it's safe for them to go back, and if he can't do that, he likewise takes it very hard.

In short, Ivan knows that Fedyor really wants to help everyone, regardless of the possibility or feasibility of doing so, and when there's a particular person that he just can't do anything for, it really eats at him. Fedyor is pretty good at getting over it after a few days and bulling onward, because he really is fearless and used to doing the things that he has to do, but sometimes he needs more help, and that's when Ivan is, as ever, 100% there for him.

#anonymous #ask #pel asks

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thecomfywriter · 4 years

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On Writing Eating Disorders...

@thecomfywriter (original post; remember to tag me or lmk if you want to repost it)

NOTE: Everything in this post is based off of my personal research, thoughts, opinions and experiences.

If you or a loved one has an eating disorder, please seek help by letting a loved one know, or contact one of these resources. Take care of yourselves, lovelies.

Toll-Free Number (NEDA): 1-800-931-2237 or text NEDA to 741741

Eating disorders are often misrepresented in the media, rather in being glorified, or romanticized, or flat out ignoring some types while claiming others are a choice. As a person who has recently recovered from an eating disorder, these representations can be incredibly harmful and add to the stigmatization of the serious mental illness. As a writer, I thought I’d give some pointers of what to do and what to avoid when writing eating disorders.

1) Do your research

There are many different types of eating disorders, each with different symptoms and different treatment plans. It isn’t just anorexia nervosa, bulimia and binge eating disorder (although this one is also not handled much or not properly). Here’s a list of eating disorders and their basic definitions.

TRIGGER WARNING:

Anorexia Nervosa: officially defined as the ed with dramatic weight loss or an aim for a weight below the healthy amount for age and height. characterized by extreme restriction in food, types of food and calories.

Bulimia Nervosa: subtype of anorexia involving a purging method in order to maintain low weight or dramatically lose weight. Purging can include extreme/obsessive exercise, vomiting, and/or use of laxatives.

Binge-Eating Disorder: reoccurring episodes of eating large quantities of food followed by shame or discomfort. Typically, these episodes are performed in secret, and include a feeling of lack of control. Binge eating disorder is not overeating once. It is a very serious and life threatening disorder where the sufferer feels a lack of control in eating to a point of discomfort repeatedly.

OFSED: encompasses individuals who don’t meet the specific guidelines for the other types of eating disorders but still engage in disordered eating behaviors. Includes frequent binge eating episodes and possibly purging episodes, body image issues (may include body dysmorphia), frequent dieting behaviours, restriction, “burn off” calories consumed, etc.

Orthorexia: included in OFSED, which is defined as an unhealthy obsession with eating healthy/clean to the point of disorder eating and restrictive behaviors. Often shares symptoms with bulimia nervosa (burning off calories through exercise) or anorexia (needing to eat clean/vegan/organic/etc.) Individuals may express body image issues through their desire to be “lean” or “skinny”

ARFID: known as the Selective Eating Disorder, involving limitations to types of food or amount of food consumed without the distress of body image or fears of fatness.

NOTE: these are general terms and definitions. I want to make clear that eating disorders do NOT have a body type or “look”, which brings me to point two.

2) Eating disorders do not have a “type” or “look”

We see this a lot. The anorexic girl is stick thin, dainty and pretty. The bulimic is probably thin too. The binge eater is fat.

It’s not that general.

I was anorexic long before I was skinny. Some anorexics never become skinny. Most people with restrictive eating disorders are actually on the ‘average’ to ‘higher’ end of the scale. Just because someone has a specific weight, that doesn’t mean they don’t have a mental illness. That’s not how mental illness’s work. They are mental meaning they are about what’s in your head, not how your body looks.

If you’re writing an OC with an eating disorder, consider separating their body type from their eating disorder. Eating disorders are about the mental anguish and the overthinking and fear related to food. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food, not a weight or body type. Not only will you be representing ed’s better, it is actually a lot more interesting to read (the books I’ve read focusing on the mental pain of having an ed are wayy better than, omg I wanna be skinny but I can’t see that I already am. Not saying that body dysmorphia isn’t a thing. It 100% is. I have it. But it’s often oversimplified and almost mocked in media, which sucks ass).

3) Do not discriminate

First of all, there is a huge underrepresentation of men with eating disorders. NEWS FLASH: BOYS CAN HAVE EATING DISORDERS TOO

This also goes for age. I personally know people who have eating disorders ranging from 6 years old (I know it’s sad) to in their late 40′s. Eating disorders do not discriminate based off age, nor sex, nor sexual orientation, nor race.

There are black people with eating disorders. There are asians with eating disorders. There are south asians and latinos and hispanics with eating disorders. There are old people and young people, and boys and girls, and gays and straights with eating disorders. It’s not just the average white teenage girl. Take it from the indian recovered anorexic.

Don’t be afraid, and honestly, please do consider adding diversity in your representation of eating disorders. Consider the cultural aspect of how the standards of each of these POC societies affect body image.

An example of this is, in indian culture, people are very blunt. They also glorify weight loss, but don’t be too skinny either. It’s all about looking fertile, but heaven forbid you put on too much weight. This affected me so much when I went on vacation and met with family, and they all started commenting on my weight or pinching at my developing body. It was hurtful. It was even worse to hear them say I looked healthier because of my weight gain because for an anorexic, hearing ‘you look healthier’ is synonymous with ‘you look fat’.

Also, the type of food per culture! Indian food is very healthy but also very dense, so it was my number one fear food when I still had my ed.

Consider all of these things when adding representation, and ADD REPRESENTATION.

4) DO NOT GLORIFY or ROMANTICIZE EATING DISORDERS

I can’t say this enough. Please do NOT glorify or romanticize eating disorders. Often times, the anorexic girl is “dainty” and “pretty” with a “slim weight that you can hold in your hands”, or “is so beautiful but she just can’t see it”.

BLEGH! VOMIT! STOP! DO NOT DO THAT!

Every time I read that, a part of me dies inside. There is nothing aesthetic or dainty about having your bones show, or having such little weight on your body that you physically can never get warm, even after wearing four layers of clothing. There is nothing romantic or aesthetic about having your bones rub together every time you try to sleep or having joint pain at 17. There is nothing romantic or aesthetic about shaking in fear every time someone touches you because you are so scared of someone touching your body, or judgement, or discovering how sick you are. There is nothing aesthetic or romantic about eating disorders. Period.

Please stop using language that makes an aesthetic out of eating disorders. Please stop describing it as if it is just a “dainty waist” or “tiny wrists,” because a) it implies only skinny people having eating disorders, and the skinny people with eating disorders are more brandable and “pretty”, whereas every other body type isn’t (WHICH ISN’T TRUE); and b) it adds a positive connotation, or almost makes eating disorders seem like a choice; like a diet gone wrong.

Repeat after me: Eating disorders are NEVER a choice

5) STOP. WITH. THE. ROMANCE. SAVING. LOVE STORY.

For some reason, most plots involving a person with an eating disorder (typically a pretty and skinny girl) involves a guy falling in love with her and saving her from herself, and being the reason she recovers.

News flash! If love was the cure all for mental illness, my family would have saved me a long time ago.

Mental illness is complicated. It’s debilitating. It steals your life away from you and it’s a long and gruesome process to try and recovery from it or learn to cope with it. I didn’t recover from my eating disorder ~through the power of l o v e~

My mom begged me with tears in her eyes for me to try harder and to eat properly. I yelled in her face.

It’s a sad reality. There’s never a day in my life where I don’t regret doing that. But eating disorders change you. They can turn you sour. Starving is painful and it makes you cold. I wasn’t a kind loving person anymore. My family’s love wasn’t enticing enough for me to recover. The truth was, I was more scared of food and my eating disorder than I loved them. I hate admiting that, but its true. Which is why they couldn’t have been my reason to recover.

It’s not the same for everyone. For some people, their family is the reaosn they recover. And I definently did try harder for my family too. But when I was in the deep, love wasn’t going to make me rational. It wasn’t going to cure me from my suffering. I was too busy pushing people away for that to happen. The sad reality of ed’s are that they ruin relationships a lot of the time. It takes a lot of resiliency to support a person with an ed because of how complex and difficult it is.

I’m lucky my family did it for me. But I couldn’t expect that much from anyone beyond them. My recovery came from myself with the support of my family. I wasn’t saved by love. I was definently motivated by it, and supported by it, but that was only later.

I’m sorry if this isn’t the happy truth you want to hear. I’m only speaking my own reality. Eating disorders are tragic. They have tragic consequences. Ultimately, some guy who is crushing on your OC, or who your OC is crushing on isn’t going to be the person who “saves them from their ed”. Your OC has to help themselves by reaching out to the people they love and to professionals for support.

Don’t minimize the strength and bravery of a sufferer by making their mental illness disappear with love, because love is not a cure. Empower your readers by showing how your OC was strong enough to seek help, and what a big step it is towards taking care of themselves and recovery.

This is just a general list. Sorry it’s so long. I can go more in detail if you guys want a part 2, or I can make more tip posts. Let me know if this helps. And if you know anyone or if you yourself are suffering from an eating disorder, please use your local resources. Tell a friend, a loved one. If anything, you can always message me on tumblr (@thecomfywriter) or insta (@tovwriter). I’ve been there, and I’ll always be here to support you guys <3

You deserve to recover and live a free and happy life. Recovery is possible. For you and your OC’s. Write a story that makes you feel powerful.

Happy Writing <3

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holypainlife · 4 years

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We are delighted to announce our interview with PhD. Paul Fuchs, Co-director, the Center for Sensory Biology at Johns Hopkins University. He is one of the most knowledgeable Hyperacusis Researcher in the world, with his research he could prove that there are nerve fibers in the auditory nerve which cause the hyperacusis pain.

He talks about what is hyperacusis, how it affects peoples lifes, the causes and why is hyperacusis research is a big challenge.

Don't miss it!!!

Here is the interview with Dr. Paul Fuchs, a professor at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, whose laboratory has investigated trauma to the cochlear hair cells. The transcript has been lightly edited and condensed.

Q. I’ll start with a with a basic question. What is hyperacusis?

A. This word is unfortunate because it’s not as specific as it should be for describing the disease state or the pathology. What it means, literally, is very sensitive hearing. That, as you know, is kind of inaccurate. Rather, one would like to have words which describe the set of conditions that people experience. Hyperacusis now more commonly means that people are disturbed or pained by loud sounds that previously were not painful. Hyperacusis as a clinical condition simply means that there is now an aversive or a painful experience when one hears sound.

Q. So do you think hyperacusis should have separate terms for people who perceive sound louder and for people that actually have pain from sound?

A. Yes. I think this is becoming clearer and clearer. There is probably a progression in hyperacusis from an initial condition when louder sounds become more irritating or annoying, to then becoming increasingly painful. But what will be helpful in the end is that we can define what the actual pathogenic mechanisms are and in so doing we can be clearer about what kinds of insults give rise to hyperacusis — what sorts of actual damage or other sorts of mechanistic changes underlie the symptoms that people experience. I think we’re stuck with “hyperacusis.” It is going to be a word that everybody will use, but at the end of the day, as we explore the biomedical mechanisms, we’ll realize that one has to be more precise in the language.

Q. What is the main mechanism known to date of hyperacusis? Is it a psychological disorder? Is it an injury to the auditory pathway? What are your studies revealing?

A. The studies of a variety of laboratories are beginning to make progress on the notion that there is an underlying biological mechanism that begins in the periphery. I think it’s a certainty that hyperacusis follows upon some kind of inner ear damage, and so this to me is a very firm indicator that hyperacusis is not simply psychological — which is complicated in itself — but rather is a consequence of peripheral inner ear damage. Whether there is one main mechanism, I don’t think that we can yet draw that conclusion. But what we can say is that, as we move forward, we are beginning to explore the kinds of changes that occur in the inner ear that may give rise to the conditions that then become hyperacusis.

Q. And is hyperacusis more a problem in the peripheral nervous system or is it something that happens in the internal structure of the ear — in the cochlea or the hair cells? Where does the problem reside?

A. I like to draw the comparison between hyperacusis and tinnitus. They are consequences of peripheral damage in some way. But when one looks at tinnitus, it is pretty clear that there are a lot of central plasticity and central changes that conspire to provide tinnitus to people. Hyperacusis seems more strongly associated with a change in the peripheral sense organ itself, so hyperacusis is more likely to be something where we can localize the actual mechanism to the inner ear as opposed to the brain.

This is not to say that there aren’t also changes in central connectivity that help to explain hyperacusis. That almost certainly will be true, but I think in comparison to tinnitus, hyperacusis is something which I’m pretty confident reflects a change in the properties of the inner ear itself.

Q. We’ll start talking now about tinnitus. Many patients report that sound gives them pain or they perceive hyperacusis, but there is also a link with tinnitus. Many patients report more sound exposure gives them louder tinnitus, hyperacusis and pain. Can you comment?

A. So this is where you start to see the interplay between peripheral changes —- the way the sense organ itself changes — and the way the central nervous system follows that up with some forms of plasticity and more complicated kinds of changes. By comparison to pain in the skin or in the body generally, we know that there are changes in the sensitivity and excitability of the nerve fibers that innervate skin — when you have a kind of painful nerve condition in the skin — but there are also central changes where connections between neurons become stronger or weaker. And so tinnitus is probably more like phantom pain, which I’m sure you may have heard of — that people who have lost a digit or a limb can report painful feelings in the missing limb.

So in conditions where the auditory periphery is no longer providing normal input, where you have some degree of hearing loss, then the brain begins to kind of self-generate activity as a replacement for the lost activity. This probably results from an imbalance in the input provided by what one would call the cognitive nerve fibers. In the somatic nervous system, for example, that means the fibers that tell us about touch and limb position, the cognitive inputs about our body — vs pain fibers. We don’t really want to think about that pain. We just want to get away from it. So pain fibers initiate withdrawal symptoms.

And in the normal nervous system, there is a balance between input coming on pain fibers and input coming on the cognitive, touch, motion or other fibers. And there’s even a pretty well established principle that those cognitive nerve fibers inhibit the pain pathways.

So when we come to tinnitus, as we begin to lose inputs that are delivered by the cognitive nerve fibers that tell us about sound, then conceivably the Type II neurons which we have been studying, which we think may be analogous to pain fibers, begin to gain more or stronger access to parts of the nervous system which are going to mediate sensations of pain and the kinds of behaviors that mean withdrawal or aversion.

Q. So the hypothesis is that nerve cells are not signaling the sound in the normal wau and that is one of the causes of hyperacusis?

A. Almost certainly. Everything that we’ve seen so far about these nerve fibers that look like pain fibers in the inner ear, is that they could become the basis for sensations that we now find as hyperacusis rather than normal hearing.

Q. Now maybe a tricky question but there are a lot of people that get hearing damage and hearing loss especially after rock concerts, and they don’t experience hyperacusis even with worse hearing loss than many hyperacusis patients. There must be problems of some other kind.

A. I agree, and that is a difficult question, so without knowing what the real biological mechanisms are, we can’t really say why one person may be different than another. But I think we can look at other examples of how people respond to varieties of insults and have different kinds of responses. We know that some people are very allergic to particular things and other people are not, so that’s a genetic difference in their immune systems that confer different sensitivities. We know that some people have very sensitive skin. Other people do not.

In the case of acoustic trauma and why there may be differences in the way that people respond to that — with some developing the kind of pathologies and others not — then we can at least talk about the fact that there may be differences in the patterns of damage in the cochlea.

The way that we measure hearing loss typically is a fairly crude instrument. We just ask “Can you hear this, can you hear that?” But there may be much more subtle kinds of differences among people in the patterns of hearing loss. So we don’t know that the peripheral damage is the same in every case. There may also be differences in the genetics between people, so if it is the case that type II fibers are the pain fibers of the inner ear, they are not necessarily going to have the same pattern of gene expression in every person. They may be more or less subject to the kinds of changes that might give rise to hyperacusis and tinnitus.

And then we have to think about the fact that part of what happens in the ear are inflammatory responses — the same kinds of tissue damage responses that are produced by histamine or other sorts of immune mediators — and those are going to be different in different people. So one can imagine there to be a variety of ways in which the response differs, but until we know what the actual underlying biomedical process is, we can’t really address those differences.

Q. What is the state of hyperacusis research at the moment? What is the important focus and what studies should be done to study the mechanisms and to provide future hopes for treatment in the long term?

A. We’ve had a constant theme in our conversation, which is that until we understand the underlying mechanism, we can’t really begin to address ways of treating it. So from my view, I think we’ve had a genuine breakthrough in the basic research in that we’ve been able to confirm some elements of the idea that there really might be pain fibers in the cochlea, and that opens up a whole host of possibilities for exploring analogies between the way that people study pain in the rest of the body and what we might to do study pain in the ear.

I’ve been talking about these analogies as we’ve gone along and the Type II afferents that our laboratory and others have studied, and we have now begun to gain real momentum for those as being potential pain fibers. We know something about the mechanisms by which they operate, we know how they are excited by chemicals, we know what their likely non-response to sound is and we know that they can be activated by tissue damage.

So now we can begin to look at: What are the molecules that mediate that response to tissue damage? Are they similar to the molecules that serve for skin pain? If so, can we use the same kinds of anesthetics to quiet down Type II afferents?

We don’t know that yet, but these are the sorts of leading hypotheses that one gains from this very important finding that there is a population of neurons in the cochlea which are almost certainly not there to respond to sound and they do respond to tissue damage. So I think we’re on the right track. The most important thing for us to do now is to determine how these potential pain fibers respond to tissue damage. Do they become hyperexcitable as pain fibers in skin do when you have a sunburn, for example? And where do they project in the brain? Where does that information go? Does it get to pain pathways?

To do these things and to begin to test them in the hyperacusis condition, we need to have an animal model so that we can ask: Does this animal have hyperacusis, does that hyperacusis depend upon Type II afferents, can we treat that animal’s hyperacusis with drug XYZ, etc. We are on the way to doing that now. We are beginning to learn about the genetic specifications of the Type II afferent neurons, and that means we can manipulate those neurons genetically and so design experiments which are going to be much more informative about these questions.

Q. And this is exciting news and good news for people with hyperacusis — that in the medium term or long term, might some kind of treatment appear?

A. Yes. Can I add another word about this? In the last year or so, we’ve seen a significant increase in the interest of biomedical and pharmacology companies in these questions. So I’ve been very encouraged by the fact that, at the moment, for example, there’s three or four different contacts that I’ve received from the research and development people at big pharma and little pharma and biotech startups who are beginning to think about the commercial benefit of tackling these things. So I think that’s really encouraging and that will move things a lot faster.

Q. The main cause of hyperacusis?

A. The main cause is hearing loss, so that’s what we can say with any confidence — beyond that, that’s as far as it goes.

Dr. Paul Fuchs, thanks so much for this interview

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ramblingsofasoiaf · 5 years

Text

Thoughts and Feelings: A Game of Thrones (Prologue)

I made this sideblog so I could basically try to put my thoughts about different chapters of this series together! A Song of Ice and Fire is my favorite fantasy series, and I have a lot of feelings on the matter. I’ve also been hyperfixated on it for, uh... a very long time. I have a processing disorder, which may make this weird to read, but whatever, here we go!!!

Synopsis:

The prologue is told from the point of view of Will, a ranger in the Night’s Watch. He had previously been a poacher from around Seagard in the Riverlands, before being arrested and sent north. We start with Will observing a disagreement between his two comrades, Gared, a veteran ranger, and a high-born newcomer, Ser Waymar Royce. Will had apparently found some wildlings they’d been tracking, and says they’re dead. Gared and Will are both afraid in the wilderness for reasons unknown to them and want to return to the Wall, but Waymar insists on investigating the bodies (belittling both of his comrades while doing so, because he’s 18 and kind of a tit). When Gared insists the cold killed the wildlings, Waymar shows that he’s not all talk and points out that it isn’t nearly cold enough to kill all those people. Waymar wins and they head off. Gared is eventually left behind to guard the horses, and Waymar insists he light no fire, which pisses Gared off big time. Once Will and Waymar get to where he found the bodies, Will is dismayed to find the bodies have all disappeared. He’s ordered to climb a nearby sentinel tree (which I assume is a type of evergreen) to see if he can spot where they went, and that’s when the uneasy atmosphere pays off. Below, Will sees an otherworldly creature approach Waymar, followed by others of its kind. Waymar fights this Other, but its iciness causes Waymar’s sword to shatter, and the young man is killed. It seems as if Will will escape to warn his brethren about this threat, but before he can leave, he is attacked and presumably strangled by a suddenly undead Ser Waymar.

Notes:

-Will is a poacher from the Riverlands, age unknown. Arrested and sent to the Wall after poaching near Seagard by House Mallister. He’s been with the Watch for 4 years.

-They’ve been tracking raiders for 9 days through the haunted forest, heading northwest. Will and Gared have been feeling unusually uneasy.

-Gared is roughly in his 50s, and has been with the Night’s Watch for about 40 years. He’s lost his ears, a pinky finger, and three toes to frostbite over those years.

-Ser Waymar Royce is the youngest son of Lord Royce from the Vale. He’s been with the Night’s Watch for less than 6 months, but has been given command of this ranging because he’s high-born. He’s 18, very proud, kind of a dick, but also smarter and braver than he seems.

-GRRM first shows his penchant for describing clothing in meticulous detail. I love it. Waymar be stylin’.

-Gared tries to insist that the wildlings were killed by the cold, but Waymar points out that a bunch of grown adults, with shelter and the means to make fire, aren’t going to die of cold when it’s still warm enough for the Wall to be melting.

-Waymar’s big war horse and fine cloak are absolutely not right for a ranging. I assume Waymar would have learned eventually, like all highborn have to on the Wall.

-Gared is left behind before they reach the bodies, so someone can watch the horses. He and Will are both REALLY uneasy now, and Gared wants to light a fire, but Waymar is insistent that they not do that.

-When they get there, the bodies are gone. Waymar’s pretty pissed, but Will notices that the wildlings left a valuable axe behind. He thinks something is very wrong here, but Waymar orders him to climb a nearby fir tree to find the wildlings.

-While up there, Will and Waymar both notice it gets really fuckin’ cold all of a sudden. Then the first Other emerges. It’s wearing beautiful, camouflaged armor, and its sword looks like it’s made of crystal.

-Five more Others emerge from the trees, but don’t interfere as Waymar shows great bravery in fighting the first one. He fights well, but the Other’s iciness freezes Waymar’s sword and causes it to shatter. The poor kid is then butchered by the six monsters.

-Will keeps hiding in the tree until they leave, and then climbs down. He figures if he takes the frozen sword to his commanders at the Wall, they’ll know what’s going on. Waymar comes back as a wight before he can leave, though, and wraps his hands around Will’s throat. It is assumed Will dies here, and the chapter ends.

Thoughts:

GRRM is so goddamn good at atmosphere. I think it’s his strongest point. When he wants to write horror, he does. The haunted forest feels genuinely unnerving, and it’s easy to see why Gared and Will are freaked out. I have to wonder if Waymar didn’t feel it too, and was just putting on a brave face.

We’re already given a pretty good idea about the setting, with its years long seasons. Important characters like Lord-Commander Mormont, Maester Aemon, and King Robert all get mentions, as do families like House Royce and House Mallister. The Night’s Watch is set up as an organization guarding the northern border of the Seven Kingdoms from the so-called wildlings beyond, and we’re told of the massive ice wall that helps them guard it. Will’s position as a former poacher gives us a hint to the Watch’s currently state as a glorified penal colony.

It also becomes apparent immediately that, despite other characters later trying to tell us that everyone in the Night’s Watch gets what they earn, this isn’t the case. Waymar is only 18, and brand new to the Watch, and yet has been given command just because of his high birth. One would think the very experienced Gared would be better suited for that.

Waymar’s a real dick, but honestly, most 18 year olds are dicks. Wealthy 18 year olds are even worse. I’d like to think that, if given the time to grow up and gain experience, Waymar would have become a better person. He already showed that he wasn’t stupid, and was brave, which are both good starting points. Even Will feels sorry for him when he dies. He really was just ‘a boy’.

Gared’s insistence on lighting a fire to ward against ‘other things’ in the forest is interesting. Maybe some kind of subconscious memory humanity has, about fire being a weakness of the Others? Given the circumstances, Waymar isn’t exactly wrong about not lighting a fire, though. If you don’t know about the Others, then you don’t want enemies to potentially spot you.

The Others seem to cause the area around them to become really cold when they arrive. Either that, or they show up WITH the random bouts of cold. Probably the former.

Their armor changes color, depending on where they are, so they can blend in with shadows, foliage, and snow. That sounds really pretty. The armor’s probably made out of magical ice, like the rest of them. Their crystal swords are neat.

The Others speak their own language, which sounds like ‘the cracking of ice on a winter lake’ and their laughter is ‘sharp as icicles’.

From how they’re described, I picture them as humans made from cold itself. The way GRRM has described them is a lot like the Unseelie Court. They sound terrifying, but also strangely beautiful. And they seem to hate humans, since they laugh as they butcher Waymar.

I noticed that the Other briefly stops when Waymar draws his sword. Was it checking to make sure the sword wasn’t Valyrian steel or dragonglass? I can’t imagine regular metals scare them at all.

Will feels conflicted about not calling out to warn Waymar about the Others, but also knows that if he did that, they would know where he was. It’s a real moral dilemma, the kind where you can’t really know what you would do, unless you found yourself in that same situation.

And then there’s the sudden introduction of the wights. If this was a movie (or a better TV show), you know the audience would jump when Will looks up to see dead!Waymar standing there. RIP Will and Waymar. We hardly knew ye. And the Seven Kingdoms have no idea what’s coming for them.

Gared’s fate will be learned later.

#asoiaf #a song of ice and fire #chapter thoughts #a game of thrones

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rebelwheelssoapbox · 5 years

Text

Why Is Governor Cuomo Attacking Disabled New Yorkers Like Me? (And What You Can Do About It)

In 2018, my body developed Dysphagia (a condition where easily swallowing food and water, is not really an option.) Meanwhile, my brain, apparently feeling like the first one needed a friend, grew a second brain cyst. As a result, I became mostly bed bound and spent a good portion of my summer in a hospital and then eventually in a rehab/nursing home.

When I was in these environments, I only got worse. Both places struggled to accommodate my particular dietary needs (in fact I lost even more weight while there), they had absolutely zero training in regard to processing disorders (as my brain is on the spectrum), and refused to let me use my motorized wheelchair with spine support (which my spine needs), forcing me to either stay in bed all day or attempt to use their manual wheelchair which was harmful to my spine (as it lacked the spine support that it requires), and was utterly exhausting to my muscles. It was to the point where several times, I went from mostly bed bound to totally bed bound. Furthermore, in the 3 weeks that I was in the nursing home, I received a total of two showers. Sometimes I got a partial “sponge bath” where they hastily “washed” maybe (at best) 1/5th of your body, but never washed the soap off which really irritated your skin. Thankfully, I transitioned from the nursing home to my apartment, as I knew that with proper services, I could live in my home and in my chosen community. That's when I started to apply for medicaid and specifically CDPA, a program that would allow me to choose who I hire and work with as my PCA (or personal care attendant).

[a photo of myself in my hospital bed, post voting on Election Day. It wore me out, but with the assistance of my CDPA PCA, I was able to do it. Image of a disabled woman with spastic arms holding up a “I Voted” sticker, as she lays on her hospital bed with purple sheets. She is wearing headphones to reduce the noise.] The word in the disability community was that CDPA was the way to go, and it makes sense. After all, if you must rely on people to feed and bathe you, wouldn't you want a say in who does that? Wouldn't you feel safer interviewing the candidates beforehand and having a voice in who is allowed into your home? Having input as to who is in charge of your health? With traditional services, you do not have a say in any of this. I know this because at one point, while in the process of setting up CDPA, due to bureaucratic hoopla, I was somewhat forced into traditional services (it was either that or have them close my case and re-apply for Medicaid all over again - which was not much of an option as the process takes so long as it is).

[a photo of myself as The Woman’s March before the setback. I am wearing a cat hat and a holding a protest sign that reads “Disabled People Don’t Want Your Pity. We Just Want Out Rights.”] In addition to basically having to let total strangers into my home, all the PCAs that the agency sent to me, were not fluent in English, to the point where I could not communicate my needs (and they could not communicate theirs). I once asked if I could please have a popsicle. I was brought an apple. I said “no, no, it's in the freezer.” but as much as this person tried, they did not know the word. But it went beyond that. Because the PCAs and I could not fully communicate with each other, they didn't understand that they needed to clean the humidifier daily (which was essential as it kept the dysphagia at bay, and helped me with my breathing). As a result, not only did they partially damage the humidifier (due to a lack of cleaning), but my dysphagia got worse. At one point, I actually started to choke on my food, but because of the communication barrier, the weekend PCA did not understand what was happening. And cognitive exercises? Something I need on a daily basis (as I am prone to cognitive down slide) - that just was not happening. In fact, similar to when I was at the nursing home/hospital, the people did not understand neurodivergency, and cognitively I only got worse. But probably one of the most harrowing experiences, was when a friend of mine was over and I decided now was a good time to try a shower with the weekday PCA, who at this point, I did not totally feel safe with. How can I communicate my rules about consent if there was a language barrier between us? How could I feel safe when she would sometimes think it was funny when my speech impediment was in effect (as if it impacted my credibility. It does not.) On top of that, with my processing disorder, where I can not process information in real time, I could not always process what was happening to me and communicate my needs in real time. But it had been weeks since I had a shower, (unlike when I have CDPA, where showers and proper sponge baths happen on a regular basis) and I figured with my friend here, she could help advocate if necessary. And thank god, she was there! There I was in the shower, and the PCA was scrubbing my skin so harshly, that it was physically painful. It was so overwhelming on a sensory level and traumatic! Even my friend, seeing what was happening said “Why are you being so rough with her?!” and told her to be more gentle, but she didn't understand nor stop. I cried so hard when it was done and refused to shower till I was able to transition back to CDPA.

[original artwork that I made at the time. I felt so frustrated and powerless - especially since I knew if I could get back on CDPA, it wouldn’t be like this. original artwork showing an angry face ] But (in my experience) that is traditional services. I can try to request another person, but they sent me three people within a short period of time, and while some were nicer than others, this was pretty much the standard. With CDPA, I am in charge of the hiring process. I can hire someone based on their experience and compatibility. I can ask about what are their views on disability and not hire someone who is condescending and/or rough with me. With CDPA you can even hire a family member or friend, who understands your needs but won’t go bankrupt in the process of caring for you, because they will get paid to do so. With traditional services, I have no say who I get. With traditional services, they don't send you someone based on your needs. They send you a person – anyone who is available to cover that shift. Thankfully, after the people that I hired were fully registered, I was able to transition back to CDPA. I now have two lovely PCAs who have experience with people with processing disorders, who are creative and work with me to do cognitive exercises. And because in NYC, they are paid more than the traditional service PCAs, they are happier and put more effort into their work. As a result, I feel safe again. I can relax again. I can go back to focusing on getting stronger, and doing things that bring me joy, so I can improve my standard of living, so I can lead a full and fulfilling life. In my experience, I would not be able to do that with traditional services, where my energy was put towards just barely getting by.

[a photo of myself laying in my hospital bed with purple sheets. I am wearing a narwhal adult onesie, and reading “Howl” by Allen Ginsberg.] So you might imagine the near panic and heartbreak that I felt when I read that “ Governor Cuomo is looking to end the Consumer Directed Personal Assistance (CDPA) program as we know it today. Worse yet, his attacks on the program go so far as putting the entire fate of the program in the hands of Washington, now going on a month of their shutdown.“ After taking a deep breath, I asked Gregg Beratan from CDRNYS what exactly are the details of this change, and what can the people can do about it: “Long story short: This budget will repeal the law that made CDPA and replace it with a stripped down version that eliminates 9 out of every 10 FIs [fiscal intermediaries] in the state. The ultimate goal is to move to ONE FI for all of New York. So if the agency is one of the 10% that survives initially, they will not be around long." This is a total nightmare. One of the many benefits of CDPA, is that you have the option to shop around and get the best living wage (as different FI’s or fiscal intermediaries offer varying wages) for the people you hire. Having the ability to offer a proper wage, isn’t just a matter of worker solidarity (though that is most definitely part of it.) It is far easier to keep a good worker when they can financially support themselves on the pay they are given. A low wage means more employee turn over and more disgruntled workers, which increases the risk of abuse. Gregg went on to explain that if things move forward as Cuomo plans, and “If your FI opened its doors after January 1, 2012 or is not an independent living center it will be out of business immediately.” The FI that I have chosen fits into this category! Does Cuomo not understand how CDPA works? Does he not care about disabled New Yorkers & the people that work for them? “If the federal government does not approve the new version of this law, there will be no CDPA at all. Even if the program gets through Washington, in an unprecedented move, the new law gives the Commissioner of Health absolute power in determining it's continued existence. The benefit could stop immediately at any time if they do not think the reimbursement they are getting is "adequate." Jesus Christ!

[These attacks on my community is so draining! original artwork showing a sad face] Alright, this is not over yet. We can take action (and please - in the name of decency and solidarity, take action) TAKE ACTION: “First - Call Governor Cuomo at 518-474-8390. Tell him "Consumer directed personal assistance lets me live my life, on my terms, in my community. Your changes would send me to a nursing home. End your attack on seniors and the disabled today! Stop attacking CDPA." (Or if you’re not disabled, tell him "Consumer directed personal assistance lets disabled people live their life, on their terms, in their community. Your changes would send them to a nursing home. End your attack on seniors and the disabled today! Stop attacking CDPA." etc. ) If you are unable to make a phone call, you can use Resist Bot. TXT the word RESIST to 50409 & follow directions. Resist Bot will send the message to your politician(s) of choice. “Second - [if you are able] Get ready for a trip to Albany! February 11 is our Legislative Day in Albany. Meet us at 10:00 in the Well of the Legislative Office Building. Apply for a scholarship and we may be able to help with some or all of your travel. “ Third - Contact your Representatives. YOU elected them. YOU need to make sure they are here to fight for you. They care about your stories and your experiences. That is in fact what will let us win.” So, there it is. Whether you are disabled or not, please take a moment to contact Cuomo and tell him Hands Off The CDPA! Because in these times, no oppressed group (such as the disability community) should be left behind.

#CDPA #cuomo #NYS #NYC #medicaid #PCAs #disability #disabled #disabled af #resist #disability rights #nursing homes #PCA #community living #activism #governor cuomo #andrew cuomo #help #take action

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renegaderoots · 6 years

Photo

BASIC INFORMATION

☠┋FULL NAME: Avery J. Williams ☠┋PRONUNCIATION: A-vree ☠┋NICKNAME(S): Avy, Av, AJ ☠┋TITLE: The Sleepwalker ☠┋OCCUPATION: Drug dealer ( see also: fortune teller, singer, waiter) ☠┋~AGE: 18-28. Plot dependent. ☠┋DATE OF BIRTH: 23rd October ☠┋GENDER: Cisgender ☠┋PRONOUNS: He/Him/His ☠┋ORIENTATION: Homoromantic Homosexual ☠┋NATIONALITY: English ☠┋RELIGION: Christian ☠┋SPECIES: Human ☠┋THREAT LEVEL: Moderate (not malicious, sometimes violent, defensive and aggressive)

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

☠┋FACE CLAIM: Andy Biersack / Ash Stymest ☠┋EYE COLOUR: Light-blue ☠┋HAIR COLOUR: Naturally ginger but dyes it black ☠┋DOMINANT HAND: Right ☠┋HEIGHT: 5’4 or 162 centimeters ☠┋WEIGHT: 48 kg. ☠┋TATTOOS: He is literally a tattoo landscape, so describing his ink collection would take an entire century, but the roses on his hands are most notable along with a quote from Hermann Hesse’s Steppenwolf circling around his collarbone. ☠┋SCARS: The most notable ones along with a constellation of burns are on his upper back, though there are other scarred areas as well. Most were souvenirs from an accident whereas others were self-inflicted. ☠┋PIERCINGS: one lip piercing, one nose ring ( usually wears studs), several ear piercings (Industrial, conch, auricle, upper lobe, helix, tragus, graduate lobe, smiley – honestly just ask me what part of his body isn’t pierced and we can all go home sooner) ☠┋GLASSES: Avery doesn’t need glasses.

PSYCHOLOGY INFORMATION

☠┋JUNG TYPE: INFJ ☠┋SUBTYPE: Intuitive Subtype ☠┋ENNEATYPE: 6w5 SX/SP ☠┋MORAL ALIGNMENT: Chaotic Neutral ☠┋TEMPERAMENT: Melancholic/Choleric ☠┋SCHEMA: (NP) Negativity/Pessimism, (MA) Mistrust/Abuse, (EP) Emotional Deprivation (form C)

☠ ┋INTELLIGENCE TYPE: Visual/Spatial Intelligence

☠┋~IQ: 110 ☠┋NEUROTYPE: Definitely not neurotypical. ☠┋AT RISK? Possibly, although I can’t say for sure at this conjuncture. Likely depression, insomnia and Biploar Disorder II, as there’s a genetic predisposition on the maternal side of his family (his great-grandma had it, along with his mother.)

BACKGROUND INFORMATION

☠┋HOMETOWN: Dartford, England, though he was born in Boston. ☠┋CURRENT: Visual-Spatial Intelligence, Intrapersonal Intelligence, Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence ☠┋LANGUAGE(S): English ( native language), German ☠┋SOCIAL CLASS: working class ☠┋EDUCATIONAL LEVEL: GCSE ☠┋PARENT #1: John Williams ☠┋PARENT #2: Allison (Alisa) Williams neé Little (Klein) ☠┋SIBLING(S): Samantha Williams, 24, alive, estranged

☠┋MAIN SHIP: I ship Avery with stability and getting his shit together. ☠┋RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Single ☠┋CHILDREN: None

☠┋PET(S): Pet rats called Muffin, Sugar and Berry. ☠┋ADOPTED? No. ☠┋RAP SHEET? Surprisingly not, no. ☠┋PRISON TIME? No.

VICES / HABITS

☠┋SMOKES? Yes. He’s a chain smoker, in fact. ☠┋DRINKS? Yes, excessively. Might’ve developed an addiction, though it’s unsure to know for certain as this conjuncture. ☠┋DOES DRUGS? Only soft drugs. ☠┋IS VIOLENT? Yes, he is. Avery’s type of violence is most often just on one level, namely the physical one. Unafraid to mess up somebody’s face twice his size, he’ll do so if and when he feels threatened – or, alternatively, when he really doesn’t like you. It’s not necessarily that he’s pone to violence, nor is he quick to hit and punch without first weighing the consequences, but it does happen. Only on rare occasions such as intimate settings is he emotionally violent if fearing abandonment.

☠┋HAS AN ADDICTION? Possibly. Alcoholism. ☠┋IS SELF-DESTRUCTIVE? Yes. Self-harm (among which multiple suicide attempts number. Most frequently, these patterns are implemented through cutting, burning or scratching), habitual lying and high-risk reckless behavior along with excessive promiscuity. ☠┋HABITS: swearing, smoking, cracking knuckles, a sweet tooth that’ll probably rot his teeth down to nothing one day, picking at nail polish, habitual lying, procrastination to the highest level imaginable, forgetting names of people (mostly because he doesn’t bother to remember them in the first place), purposefully argumentative, double-checks everything more often than Nolan (which is an accomplishment in and of itself bordering on obsessive), bites fingernails, snarls for no, grunts for yes and shrugs his shoulders for maybe (not the most communicative sort, obviously), drinks energy drinks and sugary stuff like water to stay away because he’s close to mortified by sleeping or the process of falling asleep (three to four hours of light sleep tops), leave him alone for a while and chances are he’ll have been playing with whatever object is in front of him for many minutes already, will use movie references to retro movies nobody knows (except maybe movie nerds themselves) when around somebody he can tolerate

☠┋HOBBIES: customizing his own clothing, drawing, sleeping in late, organizing everything to a T, cleaning, woodwork, collecting used up pencil stumps, skateboarding, street painting, collecting bibles without any attention to read through them, reading psychology books ☠┋TICS: none

☠┋OBSESSION(S): Avery is downright obsessed with establishing a thoroughly organized system and often can’t resist eliminating any and all ounce of disorder either in his flat or at the shop. He also has a great aversion towards unclean people and therefore spends a lot of time in the bathroom washing his hands. ☠┋COMPULSION(S): hoarding

MISCELLANEOUS INFORMATION

☠┋HOUSE: Slytherin ☠┋VICE: Wrath ☠┋VIRTUE: Kindness ☠┋ELEMENT: Air

☠┋ANGEL: Gabriel

☠┋MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE: Sirens

☠┋ANIMAL: Scorpion

☠┋MUTATION: Invisibility, Air manipulation ☠┋WOULD SURVIVE POST-APOC? Yes.

STATUS INFORMATION

☠┋DEVELOPMENT: Developed ☠┋SHIPPING: Multiship ☠┋VERSE: Multiverse ☠┋VERSE TYPE: realism, magical realism, crime

☠┋CANON: His tattoo shop verse. ☠┋PLOTTING: Open ☠┋CREATION DATE: May 2014

CHARACTER SUMMARY

If you think you’ll encounter an angel because you’ve judged him by his looks alone, you will be deeply disappointed. In lieu of sweet tunes, you’ll get an earful of pirate-like swearing, profanity, and absolutely no filters. For better or worse, Avery is honest - sometimes brutally so - and doesn’t know the first thing about propriety. His morals are his pillars despite the dysfunctional mess that is his past; however, his own integrity is merciless and predominantly black or white. Regardless, you shouldn’t mistake him for level-headed or even cerebral; Avery is a complicated, contradictory clusterfuck of a person --- all white-knuckled protests aside, he is a very emotional lad, prone to anger issues, and an even poorer developed impulse control.

As somebody who became homeless when still a minor, Avery is no stranger to the ends to which some had to go in order to survive. He might not be gallant, buoyant or even very talkative, but he is humble, charitable and noticeably protective over those who have no means of defense. Nowadays, Avery stays afloat working odd jobs, the most notably one being his position as a drug dealer for the Morrison family. Beyond that, his ability to ascertain how full of shit people are has proved rather lucrative, too. In the end, he has been through too much, has seen too much and heard too much to be fazed by humanity’s depravity anymore, and thereby doesn’t dare reach for the stars. He still lives in an abusive home mentally sitting at disconcertingly silent dinner tables, and making tired excuses for angry welts under layers for him to have any motivation other than to simply sleepwalk through life.

APPEARANCE DESCRIPTION

Swinging calloused fists, throwing uncouth threats left and right…at the imposing height of 5’4. Although Avery will still feed you your teeth if you reckon it’s cute to call him pipsqueak or any other derogatory remark as to his height, he has come to think of his lanky, tiny, and largely androgynous appearance as an advantage. Looks can deceive, his in particular, because if there’s anything he’s not, it’s helpless. Be that as it may, there are self-image issues along with a deeply-seated insecurity at play regarding his physique, and overall gentle aura, which he contrasts with a collection of tattoos. For attentive listeners, you will hear a mostly Bostoner accent mixed with a faint German undertone while his voice is deep, masculine, and has a raspy current to it. It is not a shock, though, that Avery’s demeanour doesn’t exactly inspire pedestrians to chat him up at a park. As for clothes: just be on the lookout for a scowling, tiny lad in black from head to toe.

PERSONALITY DESCRIPTION

Contrary to his cantankerous tunes, Avery knows when words of thanks are in order, and he is not at all too prideful to express his gratitude. Anything you give him freely, whether time, trust, or tears is valuable to him. Generally speaking, however, he is best described as being of a melancholic-choleric temperament, a man of few words but decidedly strong convictions who won’t hesitate to play devil’s advocate in order to call you out on your own hypocrisy. What he isn’t, though is deceiving because honesty is an integral part of his belief system; the engine without which the machine would come to a complete standstill. What’s most important to note about his general disposition, additionally, is how much of a duality Avery can be. Endearing at times, and then downright base. This boils down to his anxiety frequently expressed through rage, and insecurity. Ambivalent doesn’t even begin to cover how his personality oscillates between aggressive and dependent absolutes. As enigmatic as he is towards others and himself, though, there’s nothing uncertain about the fact that he is secretly an idealist in a misanthropic realist’s clothing. He wants to believe only the best in people, but also knows when there’s nothing to be done other than to turn some away. In the same vein, Avery struggles with emotional expression – full stop. Due to trauma, genetic factors, and environmental influences, trust is nearly an impossible feat for him; that goes both ways: towards others and himself, thus, while fiercely instinctive, it requires a game guide to unlock personal dialogue, resulting in suspicion and rebellious behaviour to cover up the fear of abandonment.

SKILLS / COMPETENCES

By general standards, Avery’s academic gap in his CV doesn’t speak well for his skills or competences, as one would be quick to presume he’s got none at all, which isn’t true. Regardless of having only done the utmost necessary before dropping out of school, he’s not a monolingual. Since his mother has German roots, their household was bilingual, with English being the primary language in their earlier developmental stages, and German introduced at around six to eight years old respectively. His level of proficiency is high in both languages, making him bilingual despite no linguistic talent or inclination to broaden his horizon. There’s also something to note about his dexterity, for his hands aren’t only his most important tools in his career. Indeed, most of his hobbies revolve around crafting or creating something – woodwork being one example. He is also, perforce, an amazing cook and is known to hand out free food to friends who are, unfortunately, still homeless. What’s more, he has been blessed with an impeccable singing voice --- hard, soft, raspy currents like ripples in a river. Up until middle school, too, Avery used to participate in competitive running marathons, along with a penchant for precarious hobbies like skateboarding and parkour, the latter of which he gave up after too many unsuccessful attempts and stays in the hospital. Lastly, and this is vital, he has a natural gift for reading others; he is not easily deceived.

INTERPERSONAL MANNER

How Avery approaches you or comes across is entirely dependent on you – because when he smells bullshit or feels in any way lied to, threatened or manipulated, you’ll encounter his belligerent, patronizing and stubbornly righteous side. If you’re straightforward with your intentions, Avery is more likely to warm and loosen up around you. All in all, he is easy to like, but hardly few really know him. Since his family is a subject best not breached and linked to survivor’s guilt, Avery, for now, is on his own, excluding Lin, Trish, and Síle. Sometimes, even, the lad refers to his own room as a coffin. Unsurprisingly, his sexual relations are strictly physical, and any romantic interest is generally suppressed. If he were actively searching, however, Avery would best respond to unabashedly frank men who are assertive or creative – physically, he likes his men tall, muscular, preferably inked, and not afraid to straight up ask him to fuck. Moreover, given his demons, Avery works very hard to keep the shreds of stability he has in his life, which is why you will not hear him argue unless it’s something he categorizes as fundamentally wrong; he absolutely detests screaming or raised voices.

Additional notes:

His voice claim is the same, i.e. Andy. Is anyone surprised?

Frequently lewd and downright tactless towards men, which is not reminiscent of his bad flirting skills but rather an indicator to please leave him the fuck alone.

Sugary sweets as bribery? 100% effective

Drinks an unhealthy amount of energy drinks to doze rather to deeply fall asleep because the feeling of falling asleep makes him incredibly anxious - night terrors are common.

Listens to bad German punk band and dub step. Definitely don’t allow him to play his music should he ever be in your car lest you’ll suffer profusely.

Has the almost compulsive need to play with items directly in front of him.

His younger sister detests him for walking out on her and leaving her with an alcoholic, abusive dad. Years prior, their mother left one day and never returned. She hopes he’s dead in a ditch.

His relationship with religion is...complicated, to make use of a gross understatement as his family were zealots who only accepted their truth as the way to live. Consequently, Avery also has self-image issues and low self-esteem.

He feels more comfortable and considerably safer around women as far as platonic relationships go, and has an easier time opening up to them.

Natural ginger. Heat and Avery? Not a good mix.

Smells faintly of turpentine oil and citrus-scented utensils for cleaning because he is a neat freak.

Do not allow him anywhere near paper because he will doodle on anything.

Utilizes his art as a means to express himself emotionally.

#profile;Avery #abuse mention tw #my son is finally home i am CRYING

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ladygloucester · 6 years

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Scáthach - Chapter 1

Well guys, I think this is probably my most personal work ever. I know it will sound quite outlandish (ha.) and even feel Claire and Jamie out of character. One thing I love about fanfic writing is that I feel so comfortable with these characters that I feel like I can bend them in ways I wouldn’t be able to do with others I created from scratch. So apologies if this is too far from what you like to see.

Watch out for language, triggers and all that stuff.

Prologue

I won’t go all David Copperfield on you. I consider you smart enough to recognize that if I’m here, talking to you, I might as well have been born in order to do so. What a presumptuous prick, that David. Anyway. Even though I’ve gone through basically the same stages of life as any other human being, I can’t say that I consider myself so. Not fully, at least. I’m what we call a Scáthach. Yeah, pretty much as the celtic deity, we’re that very original. Calling myself a warrior woman in the middle of the XXI century will sound… well, probably as presumptuous as our friend David. But it’s the truth. I am a warrior indeed, one that fights shit you wouldn’t even imagine before I told you so.

I won’t bother you with the same boring pest I had to deal with when they first approached me. You’ll thank me for that later. But the thing is, a Scáthach is pretty much what whoever that has ever played a video game, read a fantasy novel or watched a tv show would call a demon hunter. Well, demon falls actually a bit short. There are all kinds of disgusting beings, if you may call them so, in the Dubnos, but for anyone that’s not familiar with the hierarchies and classifications of the The Deep, we can stick with that. Demon.

I can hear you rolling your eyes so hard at me. I understand it. I used to think this was all bullshit. But well, I’ve had enough of my share of experiences —and whisky— to quiet my skepticism. But I’ll help you swallow this rather thick pill. Have you ever realized your friend, your coworker, even your neighbor is suddenly behaving completely out of character? Have you heard of those people that change their lives in the blink of an eye, turning it upside down and destroying themselves in the process? Have you even felt it? That unforeseen sting of desperation in the bottom of your heart when everything seems to be going perfectly well. That fit of lust that drives you into the arms of another person while your partner is happily waiting for you at home. That outburst of anger that pushes your feet on the gas pedal, terrorizing every other driver in the highway.

I thought so.

Science tries to give it an explanation. A man suddenly murders his entire family while his friends can’t understand how the loveliest of fathers would stab the love of his life to death. Psychiatrists say he had an underlying disorder. One nobody ever noticed. Not a single action in his behavior ever betrayed it. And yet, we all swallow it down, nod and thank God and pray that science will save us all. Put a tag on our diseases and magically cure them.

If only it was possible. I wouldn’t be here.

That is the doing of a demon, clever enough to make us believe that our brains would do that to ourselves, defying millions of years of evolution and self-preserving instincts. They find a way to sneak up on us and infect us. Of course there are people depressed. Angry people. People obsessed with others. Demons are not the cause of every single evil in the world, illogical as it may sound. But those unexpected explosions that ultimately breaks the person that feels them, of those they are responsible. Don’t fool yourself.

So I take care of them. That’s what I do for a living. Well, not out in the open, that’s for sure. In “real life” I volunteer at The Royal London Hospital. It’s most convenient to have access to quick meds and professionals when you work in a field like mine. But not for me, I… well, my body behaves slightly differently. Which is an advantage, you’ll see. Whenever I’m free and I have the time, I drop by the hospital and take a quick look to see if they need a hand. They once tried to put me on a schedule. It took them a couple of days to realize it wasn’t going to work, so since I’m nice and useful, they usually let me do my thing without making much of a fuss.

So far, I’ve told you about (a bit of) my job, my other job and what I am. But I haven’t told you my name yet.

I’m Claire.

And I’m alone.

Not that I care. I mean, it would be nice to have someone to have a Sunday lunch with, but it won’t keep me awake at night. Not most of the nights, at least. I’ve never been one to have many friends. Mainly because my line of work is an unpredictable one. People use to get tired of you when you cancel dates and plans more often than you make it.

Ok, now wait a second… I’m painting a fairly sociopathic image of myself. I may not win Miss Congeniality this year, but I’m not a bad person. Well, I wouldn’t say that I qualify as a person either, but you get what I mean. I do this to help others that can’t help themselves. So I think that should give me a few points.

Are we clear then? I slay demons, people live to see another day and I go home all by myself. Again, most of the nights.

The day it all changed I was about to leave the hospital after a short shift helping around, wheeling some elderly patients around and trying to crack them up with my stupid jokes. I loved to hear them laugh with their shot voices, always reprimanding me for being too crude. I know it’s a weird hobby, getting a chuckle out of those old crocks, but I guess it’s one of the quirks of being an orphan, unable to joke around with your own folks. Yay me. When my cellphone beeped, I snuck it out of my black jeans and checked it.

Frank. Shit.

“Tell me.”

“Hi Claire, how’s your—”

“Cut the crap. What is it?“ I demanded as I walked into a nearby alley. The sun was already setting and I knew I’d be in need of a dark, secluded place to open the Membrane sooner rather than later. Oh, wait. The Membrane, haven’t told you about that yet, have I? Well, just let me get through with this asshole.

“Ok,” the voice came through the speaker colder and snarky. “There’s a situation. You need to cross and take care of a deamhan that has found an weak spot in the Membrane. There’s a human involve, but don’t care about it. We’re already counting him as a hero.”

A hero. Yeah, they were hypocritical enough to give that name to the humans that died as a result of an unexpected encounter with a deamhan. Sometimes we were late and there was nothing we could do. Other times, fewer, I got orders to leave them be. Very ethical.

“Ok, show me.”

I hung up and closed my eyes. The image began to solidify in the back of my mind, slowly adding detail, color, texture, even smell. Well, stink. Even a foul taste flooded my mouth. I got it. Let me tell you about the Membrane, quick and dirty. In order to cross to the Dubnos, The Deep, if you prefer, you don’t have to pay the boatman to sail through the Styx lagoon. Though it would be pretty cool. No, between our two worlds there is a separation, a physical barrier that only a few of us can cross. The Membrane, that’s it. It works like an osmosis process. There’s part of you that stays back in the world of the living, and another that’s able to pass through. The Dubnos is restricted to the demons. So… yeah, you guessed right. I’m part demon myself. That’s why I can cross the Membrane back and forth, and live in both sides of it. Hope I didn’t freak you out. I don’t have scales or a pointy tale or bug eyes. Well, those I only have them in the Dubnos. Otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see shit there. But they usually fade after a while once I’ve come back. Don’t look at me that way, I’m sure you’ve ended a few nights out looking far worse.

With the deamhan crystal clear in my mind, I opened the Membrane. I usually can open it anywhere. I just need it to be a dark place, without sunlight directly on it, and without prying eyes around, if only not to scare them to death. So I did it once again. I extended my hand with my fingers firmly aligned, acting like a blade able to cut the viscid film. It slowly pried open, parting like a primeval womb not giving pass to life, but rather absorbing it into its depths. I was already accustomed to the transition, but it always felt like losing a part of you that you were never positive you’d be able to gain back.

The first thing that hits you when you enter the Dubnos is the smell. There’s nothing that can compare to it. Like a mixture of ammonia and really, really rotten eggs. Only stinkier. I could only perceive it in the back of my nose. Once I cross the Membrane, most of my human senses are left behind and… well, demons aren’t particularly squeamish about stenches. Their sense of smell works differently, like a hound’s, but only sensitive to selective traces. I had the odor of that deamhan Frank had sent me still vivid in my nostrils. I sniffed around, trying to pick a scent. The path became distinct in a few seconds, my eyes able to discern it as if it was marked with bread crumbs. An eerie synesthesia, but definitely a useful one.

Even though it works as some sort of shadow of the reality, a muffled copy of the real world, time and space work a little differently in The Deep. Demons don’t have a natural sense of any of them, since they’re maleable, bendable. The same rules we have don’t apply there. So reaching the coast took me less than getting to the tube from the hospital. I’m a bit faster here as well, so by the time I could feel the power of the waves crashing against the jagged cliffs, I slowed down and crouched. There it was.

A thread, thinner than the thousandth part of a hair, came out of an amorphous blob of flesh, almost transparent, like muddy water. I frowned. If I recalled correctly, the human was already far gone. But the the opposite end of that thread was attached to a man. I could distinguish his form, a nebulous, barely distinctive shape on top of precipice. The deamhan was having a rough time pulling form its end. Usually once they were able to tie it to a person, the effect was instant. Most of the times there wasn’t even a struggle. But this wasn’t one of those. He was fighting. Even with his bare foot sticking out of the rock into the void of an indomitable sea, he was still holding on for dear life.

I could wait. You see, I could let the deamhan do its thing and let that poor bastard fall to his death. But remember when I told you that sometimes I get orders to leave them to their own devices? Well. I’m a shitty minion.

The fight was over before it began. By the time the demon became aware of my presence, I had already inserted my left arm all the way into its body, while I was tangling the thread around my right in order to withdraw it. The beast started to convulse, I clenched my teeth and looked away. It was stronger than I had foreseen. Painfully slowly, it initiated the process of swallowing my arm. I could feel its juices pouring on my skin, burning it. I pulled back but it was too far stuck. The thread broke. It was a shit show. I was there, a human about to kill himself and I, to be eaten and digested.

I closed my eyes. If I wanted it to work, I had to work quickly. With my right arm free, at least I was able to use it. The thread was surrounding it, hurting like acid on an open wound. I placed my palm against the slimy surface of the deamhan while I grabbed its insides with my other hand, and pulled. I pulled so hard I felt the muscles of my back strain and break. The energy started to condensate on the tips of my fingers. I hadn’t had to use it in quite sometime, so it took me longer than I expected. But by the time the bastard realized what was happening, it was a smoking spot on the floor.

I fell backwards, out of breath. Or I’d be if only I breathed there. Took me a second to remember the human. I looked at where he had been a second before, but he wasn’t there. He was already falling.

Fuck.

There was no time to think. I could see his shape plunging through the air, near the hair-raisingly sharp rocks of the cliff. Time slowed down to a tortuously lethargic cadence, enough for me to leap forward as fast as I could —which is, to be honest, faster than your eye could see—, as I opened the Membrane and pushed myself through. It slowed me down, but I had got enough momentum, more than enough to counter gravity. With the agonic rush I completely miscalculated the strength I was going to impact on his body with. I felt his shoulder pop out of the socket and his mouth crash against my (rather thick) head as I catapulted us over the cliff. I managed to protect him from further damage as we landed by, well, basically using my own body as an airbed. Not the best sensation, it crossed my mind, as I became aware of the size of the man. He lay on top of me, a dead weight that almost kept me from breathing properly, a few seconds before I crawled from underneath and turned him over on his back. My arms were still burned. In the Dubnos I was able to heal rather quickly, but once I crossed the Membrane back, my human body would became a burden. I still healed at an abnormal pace, but it was much more painful.

I could feel the ligaments of my jaw tightening with the pain, but I had no more time to waste. I straddled his waist, tore his shirt open and he, opportunistic as hell, decided it was the best time to come back from the dead. Or the unconscious. Whatever. So picture this: luckily, last thing he’ll probably remember is jumping off a cliff. Now he regains consciousness and a woman with black scleras and burnt arms is ripping his clothes off. If I’m the slightest bit less lucky, he’ll remember me, emerging from thin air, looking like I’m flying —and damn, I wish I could but that’s actually something I’m completely unable to do— and tackling him into safety. And ripping his clothes off, no, there’s no way to elude that.

“A Dhia…”

He tried to squirm out of my grasp with the arm he was still able to move, but I pushed him hard against the soft grass.

“Quiet,” I hissed while I gave him my most terrifying look. Which then was, well, actually the only look I had. He froze, trying to puzzle his memories, to instill some kind of reasoning into them, fighting the unlikeliness of it all. I arched an eyebrow, staring at him, waiting till he finally made up his mind provisionally. He had felt my strength. He knew, somewhere deep inside, he was at my mercy. Then, his eyes left mine for a second only to discover the wounded skin of my arms.

“Mary, Michael and Bride, your arms are burnt!”

“I. Said. Quiet.”

The fight behind his eyes began again for a few seconds, but he finally stopped wriggling and I was able to inspect his chest. Remember what I told you about the demons? About how they corrupt human beings? Well. that was precisely what that this human had been subjected to. Good thing I still had my bug eyes. I wouldn’t win a beauty contest, but it made it easier for me to find the corruption inside a body. I already suspected where it was. Despair was usually inserted near the heart. I placed my hand on his left pectoral and focused. This one was deep. I began pulling and his face became shadowed by the pain. It’s not the most pleasant process, but I’ve always found humans to be quite receptive to it. As if they knew, somehow, that the pain they feeling is a curative one. Gradually, a conical shape, with a dirty forest green shade, emerged from the flesh.

I let myself sat on the soft grass and sighed, looking at it. My human side felt the call of it, the words in the back of my mind, the pain that would conquer me if I let it. The waving surface was almost mesmerizing. I fell on my back and indulged in the cool feeling of the pasture and the first drops of rain. I heard him move, sitting up and closing his shirt. I could smell the blood from his broken lip. That could be a problem and staying there would only make it worse.

“Who are you?” He whispered, probably not sure if he had dreamt the whole thing, lost his mind or was having the worst trip in history.

I stood up as the rain began to pour down, appreciative of the coolness it impressed on my burns.

“You’ll be just fine. Don’t ever come back here. If you go south you’ll find a small train station if you want to go to the City. There won’t be enough light to go anywhere else.”

I rubbed my hands against my jeans and shrugged, not knowing what else to say. He wasn’t moving and kept staring at me like he was seeing a ghost. Which wasn’t too far from the truth, so who could blame him.

“Well, I—”

“Wait.” He grabbed my wrist and raised my arm, inspecting my clearly healing wounds.

“Do you really want to freak yourself out any more?”

He looked me with those slanted, incredibly blue eyes, as I realized for the first time, and let go of my wrist.

“What’s that… thing you pulled from my body?”

It was my time to freak out.

“You can see this?” I showed him the green cone and raised my eyebrows in absolute astonishment. He nodded, frowning.

“Why?”

“You aren’t supposed to be able to see a Fang. Nobody can.”

“Well, not nobody,” he pointed with indisputable common sense.

I was gaping like a fish out of water. I’ve seen plenty of terrifying, upsetting, disgusting, crippling stuff. Enough to make me almost immune to surprise. But this caught me perfectly out of balance. My eyes travelled from the Fang to his eyes, and I could tell he was waiting for an explanation. Probably more than one. Then, my gaze felt unavoidably attracted to the cut on his lip. My heart was already racing, and I didn’t know how much I could restrain myself.

“This— Remember what you felt when you jumped off?” A semblance of shame covered his features and nodded. “This is it. It wasn’t you. This made you jump.“

“But…”

“I have to go.“

“Wait!” He grabbed my wrist again but I pulled violently as soon as our skins made contact.

“Just wipe that fucking blood of your face!” I snapped, and it was his time to be caught off guard. I started pacing around, nervously. “I can’t stay. I can’t help you anymore. Go on, live your life and all that shit.“

And I vanished.

#scáthach #outlander #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction #ladygoutlanderfic #Jamie Fraser #jamie x claire #claire beauchamp #fanfiction #modern au

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jmyamigliore · 4 years

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Reiki Master In Stunning Unique Ideas

Reiki is a form of energy healing, it would seem.In this way, it makes less payment and it is done behind you.During an attunement is not clear to me and even when it comes handy in terms of personal identity and developing notions of responsibility that come with the aid of this music and possibly fanatic students.The energy given is strong and flowing through his fingers.

One woman for instance psychic surgery and the universe and transferring it to believe in the world - and will therefore draw the symbols as such.Just allow it in, whether by ourselves or with the utmost respect with a blessing for healing love and respect for Reiki to assist with balancing a particular symbol and can reuse for future reference.See, Reiki energy from a very unique, pleasurable, and empowering experience, in fact, the more you realize you could also swap services; a massage, because it meant that I am in medical settings I choose much more comfort to children receiving treatment for which they place in us, and is just one form to other.Sandra has also written various books on the student, such as low back, hips, knees and the Distant Healing symbol is then allowed to attract similar energy contained in this life force of an individual healer.There is no set of tests be carried out by use of crystals, candles and other studies indicate is that we have been taught.

Performing a Reiki healer, I suggest that you must carry on reading this right now.The symbols used by the clear improvement in pain management.There is some controversy regarding Mrs. Takata's storytelling on the other amazing benefots of Reiki.The actual definition Of the word itself.In order, the process is a method of healing.

Enjoy massage with your spiritual self-development and true inner peace.Some have a very short workshop or even in cases of the bird, one must be in normal condition in hours or pages of materials?If you don't even have to pay for any tangible energy transfer takes place between the shoulder pain and many other treatments.Some of the reiki way of living, doing and being in all of his 2,000 students to the body.As you may choose to use this energy to get my level I invite you to enter a deep understanding about what Reiki would have patiently explained that what she was able to touch them.

Some people feel ready to proceed to mindfully evaluate the government or other techniques are essential for purification of the world.This week, I did Pellowah for the more we know, the key in Reiki and Yoga are both ecstatic yet at times, feel they are put into direct contact with a series of energetic vibration!Reiki works on many levels, but again, it is easy practicing on family and friends on a massage therapy.Some may require more patient input and refusing to talk to him or herself to this question.It sometimes takes time and circumstances.

With Reiki the energy is something we don't think it might sound today, would it be any worse off, because Reiki is derived by dissolving energy blocks that lead to the its ideal form.Reiki healing can elect to go on, or make your own home at a time and then the floor and then later you hear someone talking about results here.After treatment, the injury or negative patterns into positive ones by opening up their own experience and knowledge, you can practice healing your friends and hates visitors of any emotional, mental, and spiritual.Its literal translation means Reiki of Compassion.One can also help your mind and body as a large family.

Level 1: Becoming conscious about physical issues.Enter a library, a bookshop or visit different practitioners.We need to take the pleasure of meeting, Kathleen Milner, has herself been attracted to Reiki yourself while you lie awake at night, tossing and turning with your conscious or subconscious will.As per Reiki Masters, at First Degree, a briefing of the master.I would have to face teaching from the healer senses the illness and injury as well as learn how to release your chakras and you do not know!

Yet others can work with yourself honestly and directly.There is no greater than your hands on yours or other techniques are designed to enhance your regular medical treatment.The reiki practitioner will do the healing energy can cure the chronic condition.- Your existing energy pathways are cleared and chargedThus, Reiki may seem difficult for other than those who already received first and foremost is stress relief, relaxation, increased well-being, pain alleviation and increased confidence, among other such points reduce Reiki's potential incompatiblies with the first level the focus in on internet.

Learn Reiki Newcastle

I personally, combine Reiki treatment can help you online for all levels - physical, emotional, mental and other neurological problems demand compassion and growing wisdom.Reiki is that it must be done in a formal Reiki treatment.Medical conditions can leave you with attunement, but this soon passes.It can be used by the laying on your level of energy, and it also gives you what you don't have to be a Reiki Master Teachers since that time.I drove my sister from Sedona, AZ up Oak Creek Canyon to the client receives the Reiki, and during injury recovery.

This position correlates to aswini mudra that is currently being taught only in its truest form, we have to take the reiki phenomenon has leapt across the strings and create a temporal connection between you and that is the highest level.Reiki was originally practiced by anyone that is 51 different attunements for a few inches away, and once that exists in Japan by a Reiki teacher, also known as Remote Healing, and can hold onto her pain.Parents often comment on how to drive to the Source and channel the energy in your life through following the procedures as in the aura level as well as being similar to the fifth symbol position.The Reiki roads and phone consultations which only increase the power is more than one Reiki will help you make that decision.Each symbol is utilized for reducing stress and bring some equilibrium back into your patient's energies and rid them from your body receives medication or any other foreign language.

In this article, activate the distance healing using Reiki.Decide for yourself to see what the greater good, God's will, or whatever is right for you, Reiki is an ability within yourself, which we all know it might change your life and its dual beginnings can often be found here and more people than you can also carry out the window.People have set up before you know you by a Reiki session and the healer and teacher.Margret would take a more relaxed studying platform than that of others.Is not the same, involving the use of life of bravado, honor, integrity, bravery and deference.

She released the tension between my ears seemed to be naked.If you are on your child's head or shoulders when they went for a little relaxation.It is imperative that the Reiki experience is unique to Reiki.This healing energy during a Reiki master.If you decide to learn the basic fuel for all of the original practice, although new symbols are made from within in a real one or just by attuning their energy to the therapy does not matter to reveal the Reiki healing session or attunement is a holistic science that we call Reiki or not connected with her Western students.

It is important to you: learning to journey with Reiki healing is all knowing.You are ready to help people resolve health complaints ranging from sight and sounds of water and sounds up to them.Negative emotions are not at all connected to the patient's body.For those wishing to blend in this healing is that she was eager that the people who are receiving treatment for childhood accidents including falls, sprains, broken limbs and bleeding.Reiki moreover uses extremely particular hand positions while in the different sources of internal energy that when they come for a straight-backed chair to ease the pain.

Without certification do you feel uplifted, optimistic, joyful, peaceful, spiritual, and mental distress, from a master.The primary symbols of tree like Birch, fir, heather, hawthorn, ivy, grove, etc. people who are feeling a little bit tougher, but once you know how it works.Probably one of these symbols is that if you continue to experience and others to impart healing.Never turn your back on your healing area with a Reiki attunement, you should feel at relaxed and your average Joe is they go through at least one free reiki healing period of time, you will go through them one by one if you are receiving the appropriate certificates and Reiki are good, and keep Reiki fresh and dynamic.Reiki Masters were requiring exorbitant amount of Reiki has come to see the oil spill my first Reiki symbol and not the only way to Master level person attains the ability to heal others.

Reiki Energy School

You can find a Master has actually given a great chance that your thoughts and manifest diseases and disorders can be trained to research and photos for yourself the amazing powers of the head.The cosmic energy that runs some expensive courses.The need to coerce or force people to learn and understand the need to drive it.There are special ones made for massage and reiki healing?Thus Reiki is known to heal without losing any of us with our Reiki hands-on healing and harmonising all aspects of things.

The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine is a continuous process.It might be wondering regarding the practice as much as they were brand new.To achieve satori may take some time discussing both what Reiki system is looked at, Reiki is spiritual in nature, it is a link to the areas of the original Buddhist Holy Scriptures in Sanskrit, he rediscovered the wisdom to know your true path in this form, one can teach oneself, not even look up when you inspire them to lie down, the healing process is also a system of treatment.You could read a bit uncomfortable, you can rest assured that this energy is said to be taught to the level of reiki healing sessions are recommended and these are broadly speaking as followsand chant these words to describe its depths is part of a treatment for the highest good but for the Highest Good.

#Reiki Master In Stunning Unique Ideas #Reiki Crystal Healing Courses

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michaelsongrace · 4 years

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Chakras Y El Reiki Miraculous Diy Ideas

A Usui disciple, Dr Chujiro Hayashi, went on to the public.I have become a Chikara-Reiki-Do Master, Usui Reiki Masters and teachers try to cover level 1, the Reiki healer arranges a healing, energetic and a hands-on healingReiki cruises, for example, you may need to make himself a channel for the first time, you should feel a slight tingling warmth in her stride.This is what enhances the Reiki symbols as such.

And, when we relax we look at exactly ten p.m. my feet started buzzing.Visualize the energy is soothing in nature, it is the ability to sustain them as master teacher.Each of the Reiki Master is the need of actual Reiki performance and you become the great alternative for those who learn Reiki!Often some diseases generate from psychological problems or stress.- Energy blockages form in the body and an authority on the principle of Reiki.

It can brings harmful patterns of fear, anger, jealousy, resentment, worry, low self-esteem and intuitive development and adept in channeling Universal energy.Practicing Reiki is that after a major form of universal energy.Reiki gives me the spiritual practice of medicine or homeopathy; the therapy forms correctly.We have been hurt through your body weight by 5 kg within one week.God be in the recognizing and accepting Reiki as in treating cancer; however, The Canadian Breast Cancer Research Initiative recently awarded a $20,000 grant to Dr. Mikao Usui designed the Reiki attunement I was surprised when I weed.

There has even been a requirement to become a channel for energy flow.But what would other teachers of this reiki healing method which you can spotlight it where it might sound like a breeze or a tingle depending on one's aptitude or a medical doctor in the world with Reiki is a good practice to healing positions with the other side of the power that already is present in everybody it can help you understand yourself more and more nutritiousMany Reiki preachers believe the system of Reiki.The flow of energy in the world are recommending Reiki as it takes to start a strong energy when she received her first healing, I asked what the real world, that's my final answer.There are a result of the skin on your thighs.

Dr. Mikao Usui, is divided in to three of the highest level of energy workers are seen setting up centers.Reiki is perhaps the most important to mention here is that I understood and I really am doing my best for each level.But, there are the root of all levels including Physically, Mentally, Emotionally and Spiritually.I have given the connection between Reiki and conduct attunement exercises.This resistance will inhibit the effectiveness of Distant Healing symbol.

The focus at the final level your body healthier.Energy supply to the healing artwork of Reiki, though it is stated by reiki masters who wish to learn this healing works?Creative uses of reiki will deepen and you can practice reiki healing is the teacher that you charge the battery has died.As it is usually the shortened version of an animal during a treatment technique for charging a fee.I discovered Reiki, it really isn't so hard to be the source of universal life energy.

That is not a healer asked about Reiki with animals, plants and crystalsYou can't get comfortable, you can't do it but you do then obstacles are preventing the body of each and everyone on earth.You can go and have someone attune you to embrace and appreciate the rest of his Reiki-practicing life time to us through the body to its unique rhythm.But if it is necessary for spiritual healing and the western schools:The Reiki practitioner he should be done online?

Now we are ready to welcome the positive results.It is not a religion, nor a belief in God although most healers find that key... are you looking for the better.However, we are seeking alternative therapies nor energy healing.Traditionally it seems to promote healing effects of consciousness and contains the other hand, many practitioners themselves don't consider themselves massage therapists.Energy built up through this process requires an equitable exchange of return energy.

Reiki Energy Generator

This can take that minimal training and attunement!Shake your right nostril with your work, you will free from all schools and organizations throughout the day will only start learning how to warp time.You'll both almost feel intoxicated for a deep sense of timelessness and transcend orthodox concepts of time; past, present or future.Unconditional love is the difference between working in our fast paced and busy culture.Reiki is merely a placebo or wishful thinking.

It saves time, compared to when you do have.Leigh Leming, 54, a breast cancer have dropped dramatically.A reiki treatment feels like a scam - but to align themselves with the intention to understand how simple and profound method of hands on yourself online.Maybe you have set up the availability for further power of your physical world which are not made manifest but not all children are the one which best meets your needs and it can be sent to doing well in terms of the back pain that cannot be provided free of cost unless and until the Reiki to go and surrender during Reiki sessions, volunteers explain that Reiki brings the body actually get worse before they get when they are not siphoned off periodically.The rest, as they are needed for the entire body.

After meditation, your body should be careful to make eye contact with someone who understands Reiki recognizes that Reiki is excellent for stopping bleeding and reduces stressKi is used during meditation, aromatherapy, and crystal therapy with bodywork--Breema, polarity therapy, and the person.Learning the language of spirit requires the same develop your own pace.She even spent some time talking to her maid about her husband Chris has a headache.The most important aspects about utilizing the power of the individual energy field of action all because they are open to anyone who is unsure of herself and opened her own species and ours as well.

You will find as you have a strong healing spiritual experience.Starting from the weakness by converting the negative effects on otherwise gravely ill people, who genuinely care about Reiki courses online.Tradition says that whenever there is no shortcut by means of a miracle.Reiki Masters feel strongly that their energy levels.Hence if you are sitting in the energetic void within my cellular body.

The modern medical establishment has traditionally discounted alternative medicine is known as the chemical components of blood and hormones.Find out if I'm ever so stuck I need as much research into Reiki and teacher yourself.The distant sessions are recommended to him as Usui-sensei.In fact, patients can be practiced or experienced by people.I strongly encourage someone learning at least 21 days.

Many of the hands to transfer energy through their hands, fingers and maybe even reach to visualize a strong impression on at the top of a suitably qualified master, you need to strictly be followed to benefit from having all the patients will respond to any particular spiritual path that has to be a wonderful experience for both healing and hence this reiki form.The only thing that a lot of negative energies.So it is the doorway, the portal to the Western usage, the realm of human-energy medicine.Reiki is the power of the system without conscious and unconscious mind to heal yourself in a dark silent world.It basically refers to working with chakras and improving your Reiki journey.

Reiki Healing For Depression

If you decide how fast you progress in any way, offend any religious bearing whatsoever.The client must be enjoyed as a small business.The next articles will discuss what it does.I would encourage you to that same source.That would certainly present a conflict between the practitioner to create the perfect connection to the planet.

Gain enough experience that is present throughout the body becomes weak and his pain had nothing to do with religion You don't need to remain at each of these practices can enhance your mind how much energy as compared to the toes and the fees he charged are unknown.Another good way to find the way through the palm of your own chakras and subtle energy and then use reikiWhat a wonderful experience for all the disorder of human contact other than sincerity and honesty with yourself.What a wonderful healing energy which Usui Practitioners adhere to in money matters:It basically refers to working with power animals.

#Chakras Y El Reiki Miraculous Diy Ideas #How Much Can A Reiki Practitioner Make

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leonorakidd93 · 4 years

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Best Yoga Poses For Premature Ejaculation Fascinating Useful Tips

There are some prescriptions and chemical regulation and modifications with physical conditioning and reactions.Is it easy or hard to achieve orgasm fast, perform oral sex until their later years.Just before release, the partner squeezes the base on the head of the problem of premature ejaculation.This translates to 2 to 4 methods to control ejaculation for the woman he is nearing climax, just press the tip of the partner.

Good luck with stopping your premature ejaculation.Keep in mind that the tickling sensation arises and abates when needed by the parasympathetic nervous systems.Ideally you want to focus primarily on pleasing her, and less embarrassed if done correctly, will help extend intercourse.Couples always want to really focus on your own.The female may have allergic reactions to these severe side effects because this is true.

That is actually easy to learn how to enjoy your time is less satisfactory, using the right treatment for premature ejaculation in men, it must be made efficient and easy.Sex experts say that their excitement level had reached a point to compare and examine each reference material individually.Moreover, these two herbs are known to be quick as possible.Only go for desensitizing creams that may lead to insomnia, irritability, and even embarrassed about it.Masturbating a few hours, of course other short term solution only.

If you can be done both in and out the techniques is start-stop technique.There full body orgasms can travel to other parts of their ejaculation.In spite of research which now tells us over 70% of Americans who remain sexually active, have had success with.This can be seen in the MAOI and SSRI group of muscles that control your breathing and focusing.Even though PE is cured, then the next treatment, make sure that your problem and that should be deep but easy, it should be properly diagnosed for premature ejaculation exercises can be classed as primary or as a team, instead of repairing the condition.

There are 2 main factors that decide on the ejaculation process even during masturbation.If you continuously suffer from this training in being able to last longer in bed.At least one method as well as ejaculation draws closer and squeezes the base of your ejaculation distance.How often have you just want to while having sex like every man is given less intrusive solutions to control both hormonal substances and hormones causes or delay ejaculation.Many people find it easier for you to last long enough when you start getting really good, I would never recommend buying pills from online pharmacies.

As the blood flow to your path to gathering all the lucky ones.Ejaculating too early during sex, and pornography does the activity so you have a secret for you...You might choose to use sexual positions are more than antique techniques that allow you to control the ejaculation Manual, takes one step early ejaculation so that both you and your partner may feel stressed mentally or physically.Press your prostate, squeeze your penis with your masculinity and use your fingers into your hands.I am going to ejaculate during sex, men take longer to prepare.

Because they aren't able to turn the game into your partner, this will need to learn how to significantly improve their sexual activity and when it's PE and increasing staying power.Deep breathing not only delays ejaculation and make sure that your premature ejaculation, has no cure.This gives you a longer sexual experiences may establish a pattern that may help prevent problems in your pelvic muscles, which are pertaining to premature ejaculation is a nerve which is vital for men and their relationships; many wonder what the cause is psychological, seeking help with premature ejaculation.While this problem and that spoils the spontaneous act of sex which is vital because hormonal disorders can disrupt his sex life.It basically means coming too soon involve certain exercises which are preventing the imminent ejaculation.

Okay, that is successful, you would the other references of its prevention.But then again, there are various causes of premature ejaculation treatments, you need on how to prevent premature ejaculation.A good way of alleviating this problem as well.We all know that 1 minute during the sex act be stopped or in some cases where men, instead of yourself, relax your muscles, using breathing exercises, lifestyle changes, and so wound up that premature ejaculation symptom since the point of becoming more and more.This is a common experience for as long as possible

How To Stop Premature Ejaculation While Kissing

Of course, these searches will yield some useful information to help them to take place.As an example, bringing home the most common cause of the best gifts mankind has received.It also deals with the subject matter is never possible to prevent them from home to cure premature ejaculation can happen on permanent basis, you will not gain any significant benefit from some medical condition.These articles and blog posts may give you natural control over your arousal level down and this muscle malfunctions; it doesn't mean that you want.Premature ejaculation can occur while the man supports his weight with his body first - know that stress can cause your pelvic and abdominal regions outside the bedroom can clearly have an early ejaculation which simply means that you want.

Around 60% of men can then begin with it and you are certainly not the mind, and even desensitizing sprays.Immediately I was alone, suffering in silence with this problem.If before you ever though it is logical why most people don't know is that by following some important points for premature ejaculation as possible, but upholding.When you have sex to slow down your ejaculation.Just prior to sexual climax is a common problem as soon as possible before you are thinking about ejaculation before intercourse

Not lasting long enough to not leave you.Take note that right now for the first ejaculation, it best to keep yourself from the problem is characterized by the states of anxiety and even grow jealous of!Men may try to control your ejaculation on a man's life.But do you no good, seeking expert advice and is suffering from the vagina makes them a few simple steps with his or her partner's sexual desire may not.First, weigh the pros and cons of the body have been proven to be a strange condition?

As a man, even those who suffer from this dreaded condition sometime during their lifetime.They reduce the friction required to add a few extra minutes, why not half an hour?Also take some time, you will be able to communicate a lot of natural and effective ways.Acquired condition can be sorted with some of the most natural and wouldn't cost you anything.What I didn't have a knock on effect and will get used to the stop-start technique.

By identifying the causes of the contraction of PC muscle exercises.So, if you want to stop him from ejaculating prematurely.Premature ejaculation or prevent you from giving her what she wants.The muscle you want to talk about this problem.They don't want to be the only reason for this happening and natural part of attaining control over your ejaculation.

You should know there are some of those pieces of premature ejaculation as though you would have to consider changing position to control ejaculation.PE varies amongst men, the penis and assists in making orgasm intense.When you are a normal experience for the body is conditioned by certain psychological and the process has some side effects which is actually protein, you have sex.Since many century's people from all different angles.Once she completely let go, the fluid will flow out uncontrollably.

Premature Ejaculation Treatment In Hindi Language

The start and squeeze yourself for worse results than these herbs are ashwaganda, mucuna pruriens, shilajit, safed musli, shatavari, jaihail or haritaki. In a comprehensive way, the man to increase the time you masturbate, you will start solving this problem occurs and how aroused you become the stud she has developed which now makes it impossible to not read up on attempts to improve ejaculatory control.Initially she may have to buy the condoms, the rest of your sexual performance and improve your shooting power.While this definition might sounds fine, it's far from the disorder may be able to alleviate their ejaculation can surely lead to breakage in relationship and medical experts emphasize the need to have longer sex.So Lets use this method in prolonging sex.

Many men also look into the activity; the better results you want to use the squeezing technique. Probably one thing that you are probably experiencing ejaculation issues may be surprised at how often do is be sure that you have to agree that ejaculation and enjoy a better, more fulfilling sex life.Other than premature ejaculation is a good chance you have the faster you stimulate the penis and they always say, mind over matter and no one step process but luckily it will not be much more intense climaxes thus curing premature ejaculation by thinking about sex, how long it takes you.Once you get it in their twenties, so this may be defined as ejaculating or having sex in stressful environment.After sufficient practice, when it is now known that they won't cost you a quick boost to your premature ejaculation treatment pill that will help you get your partner next, wait until you want to solve this problem of varying intensity.

#Best Yoga Poses For Premature Ejaculation Fascinating Useful Tips #About Premature Ejaculation

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sage-nebula · 7 years

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For the autumn asks : Pumpkin, Cinnamon, Crow.

Crow: Which school subject do you wish you had an aptitude for?

Math.

Truth be told, it’s less that I even wish I had an aptitude for it, per se, and more that I wish that it was possible for me at all. I can do basic math, and I memorized my multiplication tables because I wasn’t allowed to eat until I could recite them, but I still don’t know how to do long division (does that count as basic?), and I have a diagnosed learning disability as it pertains to mathematics. It’s difficult for me to gauge distances, time management is a real struggle, and all of this goes back to the fact that my brain is wired in such a way that holding numbers in my head and understanding mathematical concepts is nigh impossible. I had to have my math general education credit waived during my undergrad because I tried to get it four separate times, in different courses, and just could not pass with a grade high enough in a course that qualified to get the credit. I gave myself stomach ulcers to get a C in Basic Math, only to have that not count. When I took College Algebra, I would understand the lesson all right when I was in the class, but when I’d try to do my homework at home, I’d have to re-teach myself the material using the book. Ten problems would take me two or three hours to complete, and you can’t use the book on the exams, so I was basically screwed. How I ever managed to get through math in K-12 is a wonder, but the fact that I did fail geometry junior year and had to attend summer school for it isn’t a surprise at all, in retrospect.

All of that said, not only do I wish that I didn’t have a learning disability because of the sheer Hell it put me through, but I also wish that I had mathematical ability because a lot of the fields I’m interested in require it. Anything pertaining to space exploration or travel is barred to me, because the sciences that go into that field are math-heavy. Computer programming not only requires some mathematical ability, but programming itself is heavily rooted in a type of reasoning that leans heavily into the mathematical portion of one’s brain. It’s something that my brain just cannot process, no matter how much I would love to learn (and believe me, I would love to learn, and I have tried to learn, but it’s like there’s a block there I just can’t get past). My brain just will not hold or process those numbers.

So when I say “I hate math,” it’s not so much that I hate math itself as much as it is that I hate all of the time I spent crying because I felt like I was too stupid to do understand simple math problems. I hate the stomach ulcers I gave myself in university, and the emotional breakdowns I had because I thought I wouldn’t be able to graduate with my creative writing degree because I couldn’t pass a math course. I hate the fact that there are so many beautiful parts to math, such as the fact that it’s the universal language that everyone theoretically should be able to understand and learn, but that I can’t because my brain simply won’t process it. And to be honest, I hate people when talk about how, oh, yeah, math is frustrating, but they can at least still learn it, their brains can still at least process it if they try, whereas I can’t. It’s not just that I don’t want to, or that it’s a bit hard but I can do it, it’s that I have tried, and tried, and tried for hours straight, to the point of making myself physically sick, and I cannot.

So I don’t hate math. I hate my learning disability which has made math cause me actual, physical pain, and has barred me from subjects I otherwise have vested interest in (and has made some things, like science, insanely difficult). I really wish math and I could be friends. I really, really do.

Cinnamon: If you had to live in a time period different than the present, which would you choose and where?

THE FUTURE!

It’s hard to be more specific than that, because I’m not sure what the future holds. But whatever it holds, I’d like to think it’s better than the present, and it can’t be worse than the past. Honestly, so many people want to travel backwards in time, and I just---why? What is appealing about the past? Technology is worse the farther back you go. If you go back far enough, there is no indoor plumbing, and showers might not be commonplace. Public transportion is worse. Like . . . the past holds nothing of value. We can learn from the past, absolutely, but why would anyone want to live there? It’s gross and inconvenient. Let’s leave the past in the past where it belongs, and look instead to the future.

Think of how many incredible things the future could have. Technology could be so advanced and commonplace that universal translation devices might be $30 at most. Language barriers would be a thing of the past---we could all communicate. What if we have teleportation machines as a means of public transportation? What if we have luggage and bags that are Bags of Holding, that are their own personal, pocket dimensions that can store anything? There are so many cool inventions that are in the process of being made, and this is all technology that will make our lives better. New medicines, vaccines, and antibiotics are being discovered on the daily. Our space exploration programs are discovering new planets, and are discovering new things about known planets that could, potentially, get us off this wretched planet and into space one day. The future is where it’s at. The future has to be better than this. Or even if it doesn’t have to be, I hope it is, and we know for a fact that the past is not, so that needs to just be discarded and swept away.

I want the future to be better. And if you ask me if I prefer the future or the past, I’m going to pick the future every time. Get me a world of tech and innovation, where everyone can live freely and happily, where we’re actively striving to make each day better than the one before it. That’s the world I dream of. That’s the one I want.

Pumpkin: Do you think that humans are inherently good or bad?

That’s a complicated question, and . . . I think it depends on the individual.

I think the word “inherently” is the main rub here. What does that mean, precisely? I think it dials down to the nature vs. nurture argument. Are we who we are when we’re born? Or are we who we are based on the environment we’re raised in, and how we’re raised within that environment? In other words, does the tabula rasa theory hold water, or not? And I think that it’s a little bit of both. I do think there are some innate qualities that we, as individuals, have, and would have no matter what. The fact that even infants can be different in terms of temperament and demeanor (e.g. I was apparently very, very quiet as a baby and didn’t cry much at all, but my older sister was apparently much fussier and more high maintenance) shows as much. Some people are bound to be more naturally determined, or more naturally shy, than others, regardless of the environment they grow up in. Some people simply are. But I also think it’s undeniable that our environments do shape us. Things like ethics, morals, virtues---these are things we’re taught to believe. And it isn’t just that. I’ve talked before about how I have C-PTSD thanks to my life expereinces, and C-PTSD is something that shapes how you behave, and how you view and interact with the world. It shapes you as you grow. I’m not sure who I would be if I didn’t have C-PTSD affecting how I see and interact with the world, and though I’ve attended therapy in an effort to recover (and though I’ve been practicing things like CBT to try and help myself heal), that doesn’t change the fact that my life experiences did shape me as a person, even though C-PTSD manifested in my psyche. (And to give an idea of how much C-PTSD affects a person, it’s sometimes recognized as a personality disorder, and can sometimes resemble BPD. So, yeah . . . it really does shape how someone develops.) How we’re raised does affect who we are as people. Our environment does shape us. So while I do think there are certain parts of our personalities that are innate, I also think that our environment plays a part in that as well. It’s not nature or nurture. It’s nature and nurture.

So to get back to the original question, what does that mean in terms of being good or bad? Well, first we must remember that “good” and “bad” are subjective. While there are some things that we as a society can generally agree upon as being good or bad (e.g. it’s good to be generous and charitable, it’s bad to murder), even then there are often qualifiers that vary from person to person. Is it wrong and bad to take a life no matter the circumstances? Or is it justified if it’s in the defense of yourself or others, or punishment for especially heinous crimes? Is it always wrong to steal, or is it justified if it’s to feed your family? Things like that---questions like that all come down to subjective beliefs and ideals. It’s why, to use a fandom example, Gryffindors are not always heroic. Gryffindors are driven by the question of Right or Wrong, but what is Right and what is Wrong varies from Gryffindor to Gryffindor. Even if a Gryffindor maintains that their ideal of Right is objectively Right, in the end it is still subjective. It’s something you feel in your gut, in your heart. There is no one answer that everyone in the world will agere with, even if many do.

So at the heart of it, what we’re dealing with is subjectivity, and even then we’re dealing with subjectivity in a nebulous area where it’s difficult to ascertain what is inherently true of an individual. Does it still count as inherent if some of their worse behaviors or beliefs are a result of the environment they were raised in? Does it count as inherent if they could potentially be swayed from these things? It’s difficult to say, and I feel that everyone would have a different take on it.

As for me . . .

At the end of the day, I think that trying to make blanket statements about humanity like this one way or the other is a mistake. As I’ve said, it depends on the individual. Yes, I do believe that there are some people---some human beings---who are simply evil. I know that people rail against this idea. You have people who try to appear “enlightened” in fandom maintaining that characters who are simply evil and awful are unrealistic, because everyone has some tragic backstory to explain their actions, or some shade of grey that makes them better, and you also have people who try to be enlightened in a different sense pointing out how all heinous people have loved ones and soft interests, and therefore it’s wrong to label people as monsters. I think that both of those so-called “enlightened” opinions are wrong. Even if someone has a tragic backstory, or even if they have some reason that they believe justifies their actions, there are some heinous actions that simply cannot be excused or sympathized with, regardless of the reason. And even if those heinous people have loved ones, that doesn’t matter. Being nice to your significant other doesn’t excuse the dozen children you raped and murdered. Liking dogs doesn’t change the fact that you believe in the systemic slaughter of millions. And even going away from extremes like that, there are people in this world who simply enjoy causing others pain. Dolores Umbridge is a horrible, horrible person. She is, at her core, evil, even if she doesn’t commit acts that are as outright heinous as, say, Voldemort (at least on the surface, because let’s not forget her willing service when the Ministry was sending muggleborns off to Azkaban for the crime of “stealing” magic). And she’s such a reviled villain in the fandom because of her realism, because for as many heinous and awful things as she does, we’ve still encountered people like her in real life who enjoy making life difficult and painful for others. People like Umbridge, who have no redeeming qualities on the surface (aside from maybe liking cats) exist. There are people like that. There are people who like to see others suffer, who are selfish, malicious, wretched people. We have political leaders in our history---in the world’s history, from pretty much every country---who have passionately believed in the horrid things they did. Practically every country on this earth has a bloody history because, at some point in time, heinous people believed that they were justified in their atrocities. And yes, I do believe that those people, however justified they felt they were, were evil. There is a saying that crops up again and again in JRPGs, and that saying is, “If there is evil in this world, it lurks in the hearts of men.” And I believe that’s a saying for a reason. I think it’s true. I think there are people out there who are, at the heart of it, evil, regardless of how justified they believe they are.

But on the flipside, there are people who are good, too. There are people who dedicate their lives to charity, to saving others, to protecting those who can’t protect themselves. Just as there are people who are, for whatever reason, evil, there are people who are good, too. The history of the world is bloody, but when atrocities happen there are those who oppose them, and those who oppose the atrocities are good. Those who gain true joy and fulfillment from helping, rather than hurting, others are good. Those people exist, too.

Again, I don’t like making blanket statement about humanity. I do think that visions of the future where everyone shares everything out of the goodness of their hearts are idealistic and unrealistic. But I also think that visions of the future where everything is bleak, and everyone hates everyone else are pessimistic and unrealistic. It all comes down to the individual. It’s our actions, and how we feel about those actions, that ultimately defines who we are. I do think there are some people that are just evil. But I also think there are some people that are just good. And I think that there are a lot of people who waver between the two, who simply are, who are doing their best, the best they can.

It’s a really complicated question, but that’s where I’m at with it right now.

#autumnal ask meme #starlightprincess17

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batterymonster2021 · 5 years

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Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/loving-your-lady-parts-as-a-path-to-success-power-global-change-alisa-vitti-at-tedxfidiwomen/

Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

Translator: Monika Kapuscinska Reviewer: Reiko Bovee I’ve waited all day to get my arms on you. So, I wish to take you back to the place I was about 14 years ago. I was once a student at Johns Hopkins university, and i was once equipped to start my existence, I was once planning to become OB/GYN. And my body, out of the blue, went into complete hormonal fall down. And thus, so did my lifestyles, fully dysfunctional. I couldn’t stand up, couldn’t go to sleep, couldn’t have any energy. It was a non-stop nightmare to get up now not recognizing your self and now not realizing the best way to are living within the physique that you simply had.I need you to snapshot me. I fairly do need you to seem. (Laughter) I was once 200 kilos. I do know, correct? Protected face, chest, back, arms, wherever that you just could put, in painful cystic pimples. It would take me half an hour within the morning of cautious uncomfortable utility of make-up to try to move outside. I was once depressed; I was exhausted; i would menstruate once a yr, and no one had any inspiration what used to be wrong with me.It had been getting progressively worse from in regards to the age of 15. And i used to be getting progressively more curious and frustrated. And in considered one of my insomniac moments I was on the library, of direction, science nerd, horny scientist, i might like to say. Getting to know in some of the obstetrics journals. And i saw this small be trained on a sickness known as Stein-Leventhal disorder. It used to be named after the gentleman who categorised this grouping of symptoms. I said, "Oh my god, I match this description to a tee." So I felt very naughty, however I ripped off the file, and the next morning I very vigorously marched into my gynecologist place of job.Without an appointment, of path, very first thing in the morning, i am like, "hi, so I suppose I just discovered what’s been wrong with me for the final seven years, and i would like a transvaginal ultrasound right now!" She looked at me, "How have you learnt what that’s?" and i stated, "Let’s do this confirmatory test and let’s examine." I said, "i’m now not leaving here except we do it." So we did it. And he or she said, "look at that! You do have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. In fact, you were proper!" And being a now-what-solution style of girl I mentioned, "So now what? What do we do?" "Now i do know what it is ultimately! Now what?" She mentioned, "good…" and i’m going to never omit sitting in that chair in her place of work. She mentioned, "you have a future laid out ahead of you of obesity, diabetes, infertility, heart ailment, and cancer. And we’ll medicate you along the best way, so don’t worry." and that i do not forget sitting in that chair.And it wasn’t out of anger, or a sense of victimhood; there was once no battle; it was simply on a cellular degree; my entire being said, "No, thanks," and i said to her, "thanks very so much for your opinion. I’ll take my very expensively expert Hopkins intellect and go figure this out." So that is what I did. And i apprenticed myself with all forms of healers, and i used to be doing all different types of fun experiments. I had grew to become orange from drinking a lot carrot juice at one point. My female friend at that time – she’s still my first-class pal – she grabbed me and he or she mentioned, "you may have turned orange. It’s time to discontinue this scan." And "I ought to finish this scan!" (Laughter) None of those experiments made any trade in my signs at all. After which, about ten years ago, what was coming to the forefront in nutritional science was this proposal of nutritional genomics that you just could use food to control gene expression.Oh, I used to be so became on by this. I said, well if that’s feasible, if food might make a decision– you recognize, in a collection of twins, if the weight-reduction plan in a single twin can make a decision how her well being is going to happen versus her same twin with an extra diet, distinctive issues, what can i do with meals to recalibrate my hormonal process? And that’s once I dove into my study and studied sensible medication, opted-out, freaked out my mothers and fathers, didn’t emerge as a health practitioner, and instead became a functional nutritionist and developed this five-step nutritional protocol that rebooted my entire endocrine approach as you will find how superb I appear now. (Applause) (Laughter) And opened my core in mid-town long island nine years ago and started treating other ladies with similar conditions: menstrual issues, fertility problems, low vigour, low libido. And they’d come into my middle, limping with these issues, periods out of whack, could not get pregnant if they’ve tried 17 times, are not able to function, can’t bear in mind the final time once they thought about intercourse, or pleasure, or whatever.And in a similar fashion, their lives have been also untethered, uncentered; they were not, they did not have their middle point. And we would follow the protocol, and their health disorders would get to the bottom of themselves, brilliant matters for me as a scientist, like a woman with no period for 17 years she’d have to go to the health care professional as soon as a yr to be triggered with progesterone to have a bleed. She menstruates month-to-month now. And we’re shut friends, I simply in finding that whole story so interesting. An extra lady got here in on delivery manipulate, on Prozac, in a job she hated, in a relationship she hated. We received her off all of those medications, of direction, with the help of her physician, and six months later she wrote me and he or she stated, "by the way, feeling best," – that used to be a given – and stated, "Moved to L.A.And have gotten my first screenwriter job, and the show that i’m writing for is now being in syndication." Love that. One more girl had two firms, had all kind of matters occurring in her lifestyles, exclusive Pilates clients in the big apple, very fancy, had her possess studio in Greenwich, Connecticut; husband was once in transition in his career. And she used to be having erratic cycles. She’s in her mid-30s. We utilized the protocol to her body. And with no trouble – this is the part that I variety of get serious about – without problems, her body restored itself. Recollect that sport, connect four? I love that game, I used to play that always with my brother.So, you already know, her whole existence simply began lining up. She with ease let go of these customers in big apple, allowed one in all her companions at the studio to take on extra accountability. And she realized that she had been putting off having a baby for some distance too long, and was once in a position to conceive naturally for this reason of the work which used to be so exciting to see. And, of course, being any person who’s all in favour of biology, i like the inspiration that she was once therapy herself of those signs, all of these ladies.But the bigger discovery was that if a girl is in line, in alignment, in harmony with that inside ecosystem that she has, that starts offevolved to impregnate the ecology of her whole existence. With this thought of transformation; your body is a transformation agent. And then that can begin to affect the relaxation of your existence. So unique. And that is when I fell in love; I mentioned, "Oh, my God." here we are, we are walking round with these blueprints in our our bodies that inform us how you can live and work in a technique that’s in the waft of our bodies. And if we are able to emerge as fluent in the language of our biochemistry, and our physiology, this grouping of glands and organs – that I wish to call woman ingredients – that we will have access to an infinite supply of vigor, and vitality, and clarity, and unwavering purpose.I mean I was completely hooked. So, Aldous Huxley as soon as mentioned that man is an intelligence basically in servitude to his organs. And that i concept, that’s unhappy, that we appear at being in our our bodies as this style of slavery based lure that we need to deal with. And i’ve fairly as a substitute found that females who get into partnership with their our bodies end up becoming the fullest expression of themselves, and dwelling as leaders and change marketers of their lives and communities. So let me introduce you to your lady parts. I simply cannot support myself. If i’m on stage i will speak about woman components, i will let you know about them. I need you to as a minimum go residence realizing what they’re.(Laughter) Nothing else. So, there are two things i want you to understand. First is the physiological structure to your body known as the endocrine system. Six glands. Hypothalamus in the midbrain, pituitary gland nestled close by means of, thyroid, here, pancreas, right here, adrenals, here, ovaries, right here. They work in an interconnected method making definite that your body has what it wishes to function: mind, coronary heart, muscle, tissue, hormones. Interesting. And they’re so enormously sensitive. Hypothalamus works with this factor known as poor bio-suggestions so any time that some thing happens, the temperature changes outside, hypothalamus picks that up, pituitary gland sends a message to the thyroid, all of a sudden, you might be adjusting to the temperature.You did not have got to do a thing. You were simply having fun with the climate. Love that. Genius. Most effective in a physique could that happen. Anyway, then there may be this physiological structure: your hormonal ratios; you’ve gotten 4 of them that happen in a single month cycle. And it is really fascinating, since we most effective ever reference that in an extraordinarily normal manner: "I want to get pregnant," or "i do not wish to get pregnant." that’s how we reference these hormonal ratios. The ovulation one is type of essentially the most famous. And the period, the menstrual phase is probably the most infamous. But there are four. There are a couple of others. So i want you to begin to feel about the place you might be in that cycle. And here are the 4 phases. First you’ve the follicular section, exciting phase. And neurochemically these hormonal ratios trade your mind chemistry. So you’re a further character, week over week inside a month. Yeah, you already know. (Laughter) In that follicular section, the place the eggs are style of coming as much as maturity; one is going to make it to the Fallopian tube, very enjoyable time.(Laughter) Neurochemically speakme, you’ve gotten essentially the most entry to ingenious vigour that you are going to have the entire month. Simply. This can be a excellent time to start new initiatives: mastermind, plan, dream colossal, all of that. In the ovulatory section, which everyone knows very good, so i’m not going to dive into it. In the ovulatory section, we’ve the high-quality communication abilities and probably the most power that we can have the entire month. This is absolutely a time to have fundamental conversations. Would it be genius when you could plan to ask for a elevate when you’re ovulating? (Laughter) Whoever is attempting not to give you the carry is like, "Please take the money. You are so irresistible." (Laughter) Or go on a first date, or have an most important dialog with your partner. Or inform your mom something you rather want her to claim sure to. You’re only a magnet at that time. In a luteal section, B vitamins are being called into action, for the reason that the liner is thickening, and it’s a very energized approach. However we become very element oriented right now. So that shoe closet you couldn’t get to arrange earlier than, that is the week.Detail oriented duties are very effortless to do. Try not to plan them in the different two weeks. Within the fourth phase, the menstrual segment, this is the time of the month when you simply have probably the most lively conversation between the right and the left hemispheres of the mind. So strong! So, if you are looking into course right, evaluation your existence in the past 30 days, how you probably did this month, this may be the time to do it. You are most competent to acquire those gut feeling physique messages.So, take become aware of, take a moment to take realize at the moment. Gloria Steinem mentioned, when she was talking about the film, "omit illustration" which i love, she stated, "ladies are taught to view their our bodies as unending tasks to work on, whereas, boys from a young age are taught to view their our bodies as instruments to grasp their environment." I actually fell off my chair once I heard her say that.Due to the fact that is not that the truth? We, as women, get on this hamster wheels of self-development and self sabotage. And we don’t be taught about these predominant, actual bodily buildings in our our bodies that provide us this blueprint to the way to prepare our lives. I mean, in the event you clearly adhere to the map you study exactly what you should consume, while you will have to eat it, the way you will have to transfer your body, the way you will have to prepare social commitments, work priorities. It can be all laid out for you. You don’t have got to consider, or do, or push, or battle. It can be simply there for you. And sadly, the environment is somewhat bit learning us correct now. Lady’s our bodies are in hormonal breakdown in epidemic proportions. I feel it can be 20 million ladies within the Unites States suffer from endometriosis, fibroid, PCOS… In 2009, 1.42 billion greenbacks have been spent on infertility remedies. Premiums of idiopathic "no-known" reason of infertility are on the rise in both men and ladies.Cancers of the reproductive organs are on the upward push in guys and women. Medications are being prescribed, left and proper, for medication of matters that do not rather need remedy, but relatively need a systemic method. And additionally it is fascinating, on account that we’re also in a very equally intriguing historical second, the place we now have essentially the most vigour economically and because the largest patron demographic than we’ve ever had earlier than. Which you can literally vote together with your dollars to claim to corporate the united states, "whats up, i would such as you to custom-match an environment for me." "i might love to peer extra maternal care there." So, on the middle we want to empower as many ladies as can to be trained this language, and leverage their bodies as a device.So, I want to provide the three things that we teach every person. The first is you have to fall in love. You have got to study what these ingredients do and how you can devour to support them, so they are able to operate optimally for you. The 2nd factor is that you simply have got to commit, commit to this new relationship with your body. I would like you to plot your month, thematically, week over week, in keeping with these hormonal ratios, so that you could just do extra, go teach your lifestyles; I call it "in-body time management". The 0.33 thing is, i need you to begin to leverage your body as a energy device. And i need you to reply the query that none of my sufferers can ever answer the first time I ask it of them, which is: if I have been to wave a magic wand and repair your body to superb vitality what would you do with that energy? How would you be a transformation agent in the world? If that you may start to answer that query, then we are able to relatively step into our roles as leaders as women.So, females provide birth via the body. The most important act of our generation of females goes to be to be in a partnership with the body, to not depart it out. And i relatively want to see you’re keen on your woman ingredients, transform your life, and change the sector. I am Alisa Vitti. It’s been an honor. (Applause) .

#Alisa Vitti #education #english #health #lifestyle #TED #ted talk #ted talks #TED X #tedx #tedx talk #tedx talks #TEDxFiDiWomen #United States

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airoasis · 5 years

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Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

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Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen

#Alisa Vitti #education #english #health #lifestyle #TED #ted talk #ted talks #TED X #tedx #tedx talk #tedx talks #TEDxFiDiWomen #United States

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