#and wrote a lot of this under the influence of insomnia

[manonamora-if]

The Roads I Maybe Should Have Taken

The TRNT Post Mortem

Oye oye! As was promised, so it is! The Post Mortem for The Roads Not Taken (which hopefully won't be as long as the actual game...)

Follow me into my journey of once again speed-running my way through a competition, and coming out scratched and bruised and still not learning my lessons!

First, some links:

if you haven't played the game yet, I recommend you do before reading this!

you can find its IFDB page here (if you want to leave a review?)

and the STF version source code here for the code curious!

shortened version of the PostMortem on IntFic

Then, a little Table of Content:

The Idea

The Story

The Implementation

The Reception

The Do-Over?

And finally, we start! (under the break because it will be long - LoL at me writing 1/5th of TRNT as a Post Mortem)

I should preface this Post Mortem with I entered the SpringThing on a whim. I had just come out of a conga line of competitions and game jams since last Summer (log of release/update), and had plans on finishing working on other projects instead of this one (which I probably should have... sorry The Rye in the Dark City for abandoning you...). But I obviously didn't do that because here was another new fresh game! And then another two of those just after... whooops...

The idea for TRNT just popped into my brain one day and would not leave me until I implemented it, no matter what (yes, I am still weak willed, I have not learned my lesson from The Thick Table Tavern, the one about not rushing a project and publishing it at a later date when it is truly ready). I did have that thought in the back of my mind that if I do do this, it would be very likely I would end up with a repeat of TTTT, as in: half-full drink with too much ice, and expired garnish falling from the very pretty fancy glass.

Also I did not start working on the entry until the SeedComp was in its voting round (so around the 4-5th of March?). I really wasn't kidding about the speed-running thing....

Another thing: I had never created a parser game before this point AND suck real time at playing them! This was also indicated in my Author's comment.

Nothing obviously stopped me anyway, because here we are...

1- The Idea

A few weeks before the opening of the SpringThing intent, the French IF community was streaming some older parser entries, including Aisle* and Pick-Up the Phone Booth and Die, two games where the player can only do one action before the game ends. I'd never really experienced this kind of game before (the closest being having a sudden death/continue the story choice). It packed a punch, it was funny, and also so very weird. It left me dissatisfied and super intrigued. I wanted to try and do that too someday. *Funnily, someone on the French IF discord thought DOL-OS had been inspired by Sam Barlow's work (it wasn't, but TRNT def was).

Not, I am not going to be hella pretentious and full of myself by putting TRNT on the same level as those games (because I don't think I did a good enough job to merit a comparison), but the one-action-only gameplay and multiple endings drew me in (I love abrupt endings, cf P-Rix). I've mainly written longer form of IF rather than short bites, and I thought it would be fun to try to constrict myself as much as possible, by having just one thing, one action, one outcome.

And also: parsers. I had only dabbled with the Choice-Based/Hyperlink format, so I thought it was time to try the last unexplored part of my IF journey: parsers. Since the SpringThing Festival is a nice place to experiment, I thought why not try to make one then! I could not have survived the anxiety of the IFComp reviews for that one...

Still, it was not going to be without a challenge. I had very little experience with parsers, and I honestly didn't think I could learn how to use a parser program in such short amount of time*, when I had a lot of other stuff at the same time. So I thought, why not make it in Twine**, at least I know this program inside-and-out(almost). There would not be a steep learning curve there... What could go wrong? *lol at me, having made an Adventuron game in a non supported language in about 2 weeks after that, without ever having tried the program beforehand. I could totes have managed!! **Also, when I got set with Twine, I realised how fun it would be to maybe put people's expectations upside down by doing something you're not supposed to with Twine... or parsers!

Well, it was going right at first...

2- The Story

I really wanted to recreate the same gameplay of Aisle with its only-one-action-and-it's-over, so I started listing possible actions and put them into a context where this choice of action would mean everything for the PC - because it is the only action you have. Which might not have been a good take? Aisle works because the setting is incredible mundane, and there are no stakes.

The context pretty quickly drew itself as the player will chose a profession/career path, and if they do/choose something wrong, then...😬too bad for them, they made their choice, deal with the consequences. While, in reality, we are not stuck in a life because of one choice, but with a myriad of them (and still we can change this trajectory), it's still a big pressure you get as a youth, having to choose where to go and what to do when you are done with highschool, and what path to take. It's a lot of responsibility that sometimes feels like it will affect/haunt the rest of your life. Do I still have some of that school/parental pressure from when I had to make that choice ingrained somewhere inside? probably...

But the more foolish idea was to let my brain continue to think more about that context and create a world and story further than the choice. Instead of going forward with the consequences and the hints of what could have happened or just let the choice being the centre piece, the brain just went backwards and created a society (some sort of futuristic one) and vaguely described beings (that are not humans), and the ritualistic culture of this society, etc... While it was fun to think about all of those, and maybe provided a fun setting and enticing story for the player to go through the game, there might have been a bit too much of it. I think, in hindsight, this may have devalued the choice itself (which became even more watered down when I continued on writing the first screens).

And so, the job choice soon became the player is going through some sort of ritual (v trope-y) to determine their place in society. If it has a vibe of The Giver, it shouldn't be too surprising, the book is on my shelf.

So we still have the one-choice-to-rule-them-all, but now there is a also backstory and setting... and I have to include it somewhoeeven if it means cramming it somewhere, anywhere.

Oh wait, I thought, I'll just make it like a prologue to build anticipation for the choice!

And so the brain went on zooming again to create the waiting room, and the agonising walk in the corridor, and the finding your way to the altar, before you cant finally make your choice..... only to end up with two(-ish) paragraphs for each endings. wow - what a good balanced game this is becoming...

Speaking of endings, I had originally listed over 50 actions, each planned to have a different ending.... only to end up with about 11, 7 of those were actually related to the final countdown choice. It made me sadder than when I cut onions :(

It wasn't just the player that needed to make...

At this point, we were two weeks away from the deadline. I had the backbone of the code (-ish), a good third of the writing wasn't complete (and this was mainly those 11 endings), and no one had tested the game yet. There was no way I could have included all 50 original options if I wanted to make the deadline. might have been good in hindsight to remove those choices, especially with the current command system.

So choices had to be made and a buttload of planned things had to be cut. I narrowly managed to finish the needed endings in time (which required re-writing some of those into a fake choice), at least.

At the end, I strayed quite a bit from the Aisle concept of a mini intro - one action - an ending puzzle-y feel (and making the player piece the story together from the endings), to arrive at... well... this anxiously geolian walk to one's doom (or dream). Making the story quite... well... linear.

And from going somewhat wrong, it went a little wrong-er...

3- The Implementation

Wanting to avoid the headache of learning a new program, I had settled on Twine pretty much from the start (SugarCube, because that's how I've been rolling for the past almost 2 years!).

The big problématiques of this project were:

Twine is not a parser program (duh)

SugarCube has its limitations still (and macros that don't always work the way you want to)

I had never written a parser game before and suck at playing them (thank you, French IF streams that helps me enjoy them without experiencing the frustration of not finding the right combo!)

I still suck at JavaScript/jQuery to do weird things with the page (and probably fix all those issues)

and well did I already say Twine is not a parser program?

So I tried to get to the basic of parsers (an input box and text revealing itself onto the page when a command is entered) and prayed for the best. Easy, right?

WRONG!

SugarCube has an input box, but can only autofocus* inside one specific place (so you can't lock it somewhere else but the passage itself, which means you need to add it to every screen...) and when the passage is first loaded (doesn't work if the input box is added later on). *I have also hurt some kitten by overusing autofocus, which was only compensated by offering the the SugarCube God some bug reports about it so those issues could be fixed for the next update (TBA). But you really are not supposed to use autofocus as much as I did... 😬

SugarCube has an input box, but you can only move to another passage after you press Enter. So you can't have some fancy input checks, and you stay on the same page... without some custom listener macro* that is (Bless you Maliface and your Listen Macro) - or I guess some JavaScript code, but who has time for that... I had included a button as an alternative to confirm the commands (which was how I had coded it for DOL-OS), but it would have made the parser experience much worse if using Enter would not have loaded a response (this was a criticism from DOL-OS, which now that I know how to fix, I really should do so...). *at least until the next Sugarcube update which will include a listener.

SugarCube has an input box, but doesn't have a bank of commands, or set object indicator (like with the parsers). While you can technically separate the inputed words with some JavaScript**, whether you do so or not will end with the same amount of spaghetti code at the end, with the different conditional statements for each actions on each screen to show the correct text bits (mine amounted to almost 600 lines of code for 7 screens... without included the printed text! -> see the source code). Now that I've messed around with Adventuron, I can see how easy it is to make a parser game (set up commands and rooms and interactive object), when you have a bank of built-in commands and not have to worry about how to add the new text on the screen. Twine really added a new layer of complexity to this.... Was there a better way of doing this? probably, but don't look at me to find it. *this was how the name chosenname command came to be, and how it only printed the chosen name on the following screens. That and the autofocus being messy...

SugarCube can add text bits to a page, but unlike parser programs, it won't automatically scroll down to the bottom of the page, or at least to the added element. Adding a scroll down to the bottom or scroll up to the page was not too hard (I had some leftover js code), but it was not the solution: the UI is mobile/tablet accessible (smaller screens), which means scrolling to the bottom would make those players having to manually scroll back up (and I am usually quite verbose in my writing). So very much EH.... NOT GREAT! After quite a lot of testing, broken pieces of code, way too much swearing, and re-doing the base of the UI, I did manage to find a solution.... a month into the review/voting period.

But even with those limitations, I pushed through. I knew it was possible to make it work, so I either tried to find work arounds (and gave up the scrolling, at least until the deadline), and pushed through, banging my head against my desk because of what was achievable...

LIKE BUILDING A WHOLE COMMANDS SYSTEM...

Wanting to make things easy for myself (and the players), I thought maybe removing all verbs would make it easier to go through the game, even when having to interact with objects or people around. Enter the bolded word* from the text as the input, press enter, and read the new text! *It was important for me to have some sort of "easy" mode where the interactive things were obvious to the player, coming from a scene where parsers are not the norm/favoured.

Simple right?

This idea... stopped working as soon as I introduced physical actions (sit, stand, jump, etc...), directional actions (the story might be linear but it still has multiple rooms), but most importantly as soon as I wrote flavour texts for one same object. Even if I could get away with removing X/LOOK/EXAMINE*, adding verbs at the end was a necessity (I didn't want to see all the already written variation go to waste...). *I did include look in the code, but mistakenly didn't think about its synonym <- shows the no-knowledge of parser, and not having a bank of commands built-in.

So verbs were added, and then some of its synonyms (but evidently not the most important ones 😬), and then some prepositions just in case, and noun synonyms with adjectives because of how it is described in the text, and then.... so on and so forth. And because of how SugarCube is set, I ended up with lines like this at the end:

<<if ["initiate", "look initiate", "look at initiate", "remember initiate", "initiates", "look initiates", "look at initiates", "remember initiates", "recall initiate", "recall initiates"].contains(_cmd)>>

(and this is not even a correct or complete command list, since it is missing EXAMINE and X)

Et rebelotte for all the interactive words on the page, as well as the added variations requiring another set other verbs. There's not really a verb/noun aliases list to help...

BUT WAIT

Because I always like to make it difficult for myself and not think of the amount of work my ideas/plan will require, I had to make some bits of text appear only once (even if some commands could be used more than once on that page) OR removing the player's ability to make a different action when they do a specific one AND have some bits of text only appear after a command has been used on that page. Pushing the player through extra invisible gates on top of the different rooms. I could have made it easier on myself to break scenes further than I had already done, but nooooooo

And I did this not just once. BUT THREE TIME! When the player is called to get in line, in the corridor, and just before the big doors.

I could have fed myself for a whole week with the spaghetti that came out of my code.

But Manon, I can hear the little devil on my shoulder say, Why all the whining and excuses? You could have stopped if it turned out to be a bad idea, especially if you couldn't implement it properly. Why not have made the story in something else than a parser?

Well...

because Time (wa)s running out and I wasn't going to let all this hard work go to waste by changing everything up at the last minute (it could have worked/been easier, that's true)

because it was still a fun puzzle to solve, even if frustrating most of the time,

because you learn more when you fail than when you win

I'm not a quitter :P (hiding my too many WIPs waiting for me....)

Even if I doubted myself with finishing the game on time, I still pushed myself to cross the finish line, since I knew I would not have finished the project otherwise. Thought it could have been fun to get the 12 angry men passing judgement on my Twine monstrosity making a mockery of parsers had I submitted it to the very serious ParserComp instead. /jk lovingly

So after some "extensive" testing (rushed in the last week, because I am a nightmare to people, sorry @groggydog and @lapinlunairegames for making you go through this, but also thank you for your help!!), I made it to the end!

Well... barely. Ended up with a few bug fixes update along the way.

4- The Reception

(it was like that in my heart)

Like TTTT, this was not explosion of praise and accolades. And I fully expected it. You can't make experiments omelettes without cracking a few programs/rules eggs. At least my omelette didn't have too many eggshells :P

Looking at the numbers, at the time of writing this posts, TRNT is currently sitting at 5 stars (4 ratings) on itch, and 3-1/2 stars on IFDB (2 ratings)*, with 4 reviews on the Forum (bellow the median/average this festival). None of the ratings game with reviews/comments. *When some of the reviews will be moved to the IFDB, I do expect this average to get lower. The itch one is nice (really happy 4 peeps loved it!), but most people only rate when they didn't like it or when they loved it.

As for the feedbacks gotten, they came from a few sources: the people who playtested TRNT, dms on Tumblr and the Forum, the Twine server, and the awaited reviews on the Forum.

Overall, the people who liked the game really enjoyed themselves, from the writing and the worldbuilding being intriguing, or how pretty the UI was. Even with the issues raised during the festival, quite a lot of people (who sent me comments) thought the experiment was either a success, something really cool, or impressive considering the limitations (of the festival and/or of the program). Even in the more critical comments, this experiment was seen as an interesting one to be commended (with a bit of a why did you bother... sprinkled in there). Someone told me TRNT reminded them of the Divergent series (and fair comparison, considering the whole ritual to put you in one job for the rest of your life).

The most surprising thing was that people who never played parser before (or didn't really liked them) found the game entertaining and fun to go through, managing to get to the end without too many issues; while the reviewers with more experience in the genre had a bit more restraints due to the command system I put in place.

Whether my giddiness about verbose writing was to the liking of the player or not, I was honestly happy comments about my grammar didn't make much of an appearance this time around (yay, progress!), and that I would get kudos for the vague story behind the experiment itself, and the structure of the story itself.

But this doesn't mean that it was all sunshine and rainbow here. TRNT had some obvious issues, which should have been squashed during the testing phase had this one been longer (yet again, me speed-running through comps when I should take my time... when will I learn...). There were two main ones: the commands and the UI.

The biggest issue came from the commands, being either unclear or confusing, especially when it came to the cardinal direction, the choice of synonym for the actions, or special actions like the name input. Even if you could go along the story with just a noun or press C until you reached the end, missing important verb commands did not help the game feel complete (EXAMINE/GET/the shortcuts). This is where having some Parser knowledge/experience would have come handy, he.... As for the cardinal directions, it was probably most confusing because I used them as synonyms for forward/back/left/right instead of N/S/W/E (that and it wasn't clear where you were able to go in the text either). Quite a few players were also getting stuck in the corridor (after you come to a stop, you hear some thing up front and your choices are to move to the side/jump or stand still). Special actions like the name input or the final choice were felt a bit off/broke immersion. Party due to the way SugarCube is, partly due to how I organised the game. Having a simple input where the player is asked for their name before the game start and have a say name command, might have worked better there. That and a better hinting system. Fix for those TBD.

Closely followed was the UI being annoying (which ;-; bc I pride myself on creating good UI, but it was fair critique), from the scrolling being an absolute ass, to the confusing bolding of the start of passages being the same as the interactive words (if you didn't change the colour in the settings), to the back/replay last choice command on the END screen not going to the right spot, or the responses of computing an inputted command not appearing/being confusing (in relation to the scrolling), some quirks with the UI being wonky for some screen sizes, etc... Thankfully, all those have been fixed.... but too late for the reviews already published. A quick revamp of the UI base + solving the scrolling issue + slight reformatting of the printed new text bits solved if not all of those issues. Still... too little too late... That's what you get for making a UI in a large screen and only checking different width but not different heights....

A SIDENOTE ON WHY PARSER AND NOT HYPERTEXT

Or me going a bit on a rant. Scroll down to pt 5- The Do-Over to resume coherent levelled conversation.

Still, making a parser a Twine was a CHOICETM, which didn't work for everybody. I don't know if it was because the game was put forth as a Twine game before being a parser, or because the story was maybe a bit too linear/not very interactive compared to other parsers, or because I set out to make a parser before thinking of a story and it showed for some, (or probably because the parser system was not very well implemented) but I did have a few commenters wondering if my choice of making it a parser was the correct one, as in why would you use parser when hyperlinks would have probably worked better?

Maybe a cop-out answer would be Why not. Why not try to break the rules and the codes of what is a Twine game or what is a parser? Why not push Twine to where it is probably not supposed to go (sorry, TME)? Why not blur the lines of the divides between the subgenres of IF? I wrote some part while having a bit of a fever, and my notes had Why not make parsers less puzzle-y/more linear choice-based like? and oh boi is it good to re-read yourself... Cause yiekes what a load of BS.

The other part of the answer is Because experimenting and doing weird thing is fun! Doing weird thing, writing bad code that should probably not work but it does, putting the program on a lifeline, making up stories that are nonsensical, etc... and breaking people's mind in the process with what could be done. Also it was just fun to find out whether it was just possible to do it at all. The rush of happiness when you the puzzle is solved is so incredibly gratifying. It was really fun to try something different (for me but also for what Twine can generally do), to solve a puzzle of mashing two things that don't/shouldn't go together, to find what makes them tick and make it all work, and to challenge myself to do something new (did I mention before it was my fist time making a parser?). AND, having fun creating! And the SpringThing has always been a beacon to promote experimentation with the genre and more out there stuff. So it's was kind of like the stars aligned or something :P

Also Because it was possible!That one is pretty self-explanatory...

Maybe a bit more presumptuous of me: Because experimenting keeps Interactive Fiction fresh and exciting! I'm not trying to set a trend or anything here (honestly, it's not too strange, TRNT's weirdness kind of follows my previous work with TTTT and its mixology element, or DOL-OS with it computer interphase), but isn't fun to see what else can be done in IF, or what new area can be explored now that funky stuff has been tried, or what else should probably not be done (hopefully this doesn't apply to TRNT lol, I think it should be fun to have more parser in Twine). Even if my entry was not really a novel idea even in the gameplay (exhibit A, exhibit B, exhibit C), I still think there should be more weird stuff out there, so I contribute to that where/when I can! It'd be sad if IF became same-y and stale... It'd be fun if someone did something like this because they played TRNT and thought it was neat :P

And Because it didn't fit with my original vision of the game. Even if the game changed quite a lot along the way, the parser element was something I would not compromise with, no matter how good or bad the final product was. Sorry TME for the kittens lost in the autofocus of the textboxes...

I did wonder for a while how many people opened the settings at all 🤔

5- The Do-Over?

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha.

No.

Honestly... If I was going back to the start, I don't think I would change anything. Even if the length of the testing was more than minimal (still haven't learned my lesson), even if I rushed into the competition (again, not learned my lesson), even if I made errors along the way (well, maybe fixing the UI earlier instead) or let the story stray that much away from the original idea (honestly it was probably for the best that it ended not being too close to Aisle at the end, I might have gotten eviscerated in the reviews). It did what it was supposed to do, and checked all the boxes from what I wanted to try. At the end, to me, it was a complete (and stressful success).

Will there be some changes in the future?

Just a bit, at some point, TBD and TBA. Just to fix the commands a bit, maybe rearrange some passages, add a bit more variation/hidden codex entries, maybe even a new ending or two! But it wouldn't go further than that. TRNT was an experiment through and throuh.

==================== THE END ====================

Anyway, my weird hybrid beast of a parser in Twine and I are done rambling about my awesome show of tricks that may or may not have landed badly and with a broken skateboard. We will go collect our ribbons, now!

Make IF weird, Do word crimes, Have fun

I do wonder if me submitting the game in the Main Garden rather than at the Back Garden played into the expectations of the reviewers, since the BG is meant for more experimental IF. But in the same vein, there was the Kuolema running on a Google Form and people flocked to it so 🤷 It's probably the quality that made things the way it is whooooops :P

#postmortem #trnt #the roads not taken #I have once written too much #and wrote a lot of this under the influence of insomnia #I did win a special accolade: McGruber Honorarium #interactive fiction

[insxghtt]

soulmates — kappa x reader

(sorry if this is a mess, i wrote it last night under the influence of a high dose of quetiapine. my insomnia fellas will understand.)

i see a lot of people talking about kappa as this bad boy figure, kinda similar to euronymous but, in my mind, kappa is waaayyy more charming. i mean, he has to be! after all, he is a cult leader and cult leaders rarely show their followers explicit violence.

i think what we saw in black mirror was the dark side of kappa, one that he only shows to his most faithful followers. the other side we didn't get to see is the kind kappa, the personality he has on most of the time. this manipulative, charismatic, charming kappa is the one who would convince you to do the most insane things for him.

first one, joining a cult. but, of course, you didn't call it a cult. no, you called it a family.

kappa was very good at reading people and as soon as he laid eyes on you, he knew you were an easy target. you were so fragile, so he did what no one else ever thought about doing. he took care of you. he showed you love.

it was hard to see kappa as this evil cult leader because he was the kindest soul you had ever met. he was different from all of the other men you had in your life. he treated you with respect.

kappa genuinely loved you. it wasn't healthy, but he genuinely loved you. gosh, he was obsessed with you. you were his godess. he knew about every detail about your life, which is why it was so easy for him to manipulate you into staying. that's why you never even realized that you were trapped.

but again, maybe kappa wasn't the only one with a dark side. you had it in you and he could see it too, which is why he chose you in the first place. the two of you were a mix made in hell.

he was possessive over you, but you were just the same way. although kappa wasn't monogamic, he was faithful to you because he could never ever ever be so obsessed with anyone else.

you two had this open, confused, agitated relationship, but there was one rule you two followed whithout question, and that rule was: other people were only allowed if the two of you consent to it.

other people could only have you, touch you, want you when he was right there watching, and vice versa.

the few times kappa lost his temper in front of the other followers, it was because of you. well, not you, but other man trying to get to you without your (and his) consent. kappa would suddenly become a beast, filled with rage.

he had the other guy pinned against the wall with a knife against his throat. the man was clearly intoxicated, which was the reason why he dared to even approach you in the first place. everyone knew you belonged to kappa. no one would dare to mess with you.

the guy was having a hard time breathing, too scared to even blink. kappa was staring into his soul like a mad man. everyone else in the room, who were partying just a few minutes ago, was now frozen in silence.

you were watching as you thought that maybe you should intervene and try to calm him down, but you didn't really want to. kappa looked so pretty when he was mad. his rough hands were holding the guy by his shirt, the veins in his arms and neck were more visible, his messy hair was covering part of his face, but you could still see his eyes burning with rage.

you rolled your eyes and touched his shoulder delicately and kappa immediately felt his muscles relax. he let go of the guy and watched as he ran away out of the room.

you were kappa's favorite drug. just one small dose of you was enough to make him forget all of his problems.

he turned to you and you gave him a kiss on the lips. just like that, kappa could hardly remember about what had just happened.

but when you were jealous, things were a little different. from times to times, when someone new joined the family, you would notice a girl staring at kappa in a more seducive, flirty way. kappa was very attractive and charming and everyone in the family looked up to him. some people developed feelings for him in the process and you hated it.

and when bitches try to get your man, that's when you become a beast yourself.

you were not as impulsive as kappa. no, you carefully observed and waited for the right time to get rid of them. you were quiet, calm and precise. not only you would stop them from getting what was yours, you would make sure they were completely removed from your lives.

out of the sudden, one of the guns would magically disappear for a day or two, just to be found later in the bag of clothes of one of the new girls. she swore she hadn't taken it, but you didn't believe her and, if you didn't, kappa didn't believe her either.

so you tried to hide your smile as you watched him send her away. he hated to do that, but one thing that kappa valued the most was honesty and he refused to let someone who had lied about stealing one of his guns be part of the family.

kappa would never know. behind his back, you made sure to keep all the girls away from him. of course you were good to them most of the time. you loved some of those girls like they were your sisters, but the ones who didn't respect the rules were easily discarted.

it wouldn't be right to say that you and kappa were a good match, but you two were definitely soulmates. he was made for you, you were made for him and nothing in the world could ever change that.

#kappa black mirror #kappa x reader #kappa #rory culkin x y/n #rory culkin x reader #rory culkin fanfic #rory culkin #in my rory culkin era #culkin cult #culkin brothers #jack thurlow x reader #jack thurlow #jack goes home #rory culkin lords of chaos #intruders 2015 #intruders movie #intruders #danny cooper x reader #danny cooper #writers of tumblr #my wriring #female writers #black mirror #black mirror kappa

[kookadoodle]

call you at midnight

PLOT: Insomnia was always a bad thing until now

PAIRING: Yoongi x reader GENRE: fluff, minor angst, S2L!AU WARNINGS: idk, yoongi smokes (?) WORDCOUNT: 2.8k A/N: it’s been a little while, but i finally wrote something again xx

---------------------------------

It was late, when you first met him. The sky was dark with stars sprayed across its canvas, looking down on you and bathing you in their subtle light. The air was fresh and inviting but you had not dressed yourself properly for the cold. You were to blame for that. A thin pair of black jeans, a t-shirt and a flannel did not do much against the chilly autumn wind. But you did not care. You had to get away from home, and you were not turning back now. You went for a walk at night to be by yourself under the moon’s pitiful eyes. You always found the world to be more forgiving, when it was darkened from the sun’s absence in the sky. The calm and quiet of the night had soothed you plenty of times before. You hoped that it would work its magic that night.

It was the scent of a cigarette that gave his presence away before you even knew that he was there. But you did not register him in time before you turned the corner and bumped into his frame and halted you in your steps. He looked at you in surprise, and your eyes met, slightly widened. His skin was pale in contrast to his black clothing and bucket hat and his features were softly rounded. The streetlight gently reflected off his leather jacket, and his calm nature reflected in his eyes. “Oh, sorry,” you spoke quietly, almost failing to deliver the words, but he heard you. “It’s okay,” he said back, face mask covering his chin yet revealing his lips and button-like nose. Those were the first words spoken between the two of you. You would not remember later what exactly made you start talking to him or ask if you could join him on the steps, but those first exchanged words led to more, and a late conversation and a shared cigarette later, the two of you had become new acquaintances under the dark sky. You shared deep thoughts, hopes, and dreams before you even knew each other’s names. You could not explain why, but it felt so natural in a way. The two of you clicked somehow, and maybe if it had been any other time of the day, you would not have. You guessed it was the night working its magic as you had hoped.

-----------------------------

Days later, you went for another walk around the same time, and you met him again. He was sitting on the steps outside his apartment, smoking a late cigarette and scrolling through his phone. He invited you this time to take place beside him, and you did. With that, the two of you became friends, who knew each other’s names, and soon, it resulted in meeting every other night, where you would talk and bond through your shared insomnia. However, one night was different than the rest. It was about six months after you first met when you told Yoongi that you had to move across town. You could no longer meet up with him and hang out on the steps to his apartment, and the thought of suddenly having to be without you made his heart drop. He had not expected you to mean so much to him in such a short amount of time, but somehow, there was a comfort in your presence that he had so easily gotten used to. “Oh,” was the only reaction, he showed, yet you could tell that he was disappointed through just that one word. But you could not change the way things were. Your parents had decided on moving for you, and you could not ask them to stay because of a boy you met in the neighborhood. They would not understand, and they would not change their minds if they did. “We don’t have to stop talking, though,” Yoongi stated, looking over at you with stars reflected in his irises. You could tell in his expression that he hoped you would agree. With a nod, you did, and the two of you finally exchanged numbers, so you could stay in touch despite the distance, you would face. The next couple of times you met up, the mood was different. Sad in a way, but also lighter somehow as you both wanted to get most out of the little time, you had left. You could have questioned why the two of you immediately connected like you did, but you did not. And neither did he. The important part was that you both wanted to keep talking, and together with determination, you could. On your last night together, you sat on the steps and talked like you always did, when Yoongi took off his hat and put it on your head. Later, when you had to leave, he did not properly say goodbye. He merely told you to keep the hat and not forget about him. He was a man of few words, but those he spoke said a lot. You promised him that you would see each other soon again, and you knew that you would keep it. You could not forget about Yoongi if you tried, and distance was not about to break the deep connection you had with him. Neither of you would let it.

-----------------------------------

Time went by quickly after you moved since there were so many things to get done and get used to, but Yoongi and you stayed in touch. You texted each other every day about little things to keep each other company throughout the sunlit hours. Then later at night, when both of you were restless under the moon, you would talk over the phone in the same manner that you used to on the steps to his apartment. You would tell him about your new school and your difficulty of making new friends, and he would listen and calm your nerves when he said that no matter what, you would always have him. He was sweet like that. Even if he looked tough in his all-black outfit and spoke with very little emotion to the people around him, you would always hear his laugh through the phone and imagine his gummy smile on the other end. One time, he called you at midnight like he usually did, but you noticed that it sounded different as soon as you picked up. “Hello. Yoongi?” you asked, sitting up in your bed in your dark room only lit from the one window. “I miss you,” you heard him pouting. It took a minute before the words were registered in your mind, and it made your heart flutter. “Are you okay? Where are you?” you asked as you noticed the noise around him. It did not sound like his usual spot. “I’m at a party with some friends,” Yoongi answered with a sigh, seeming unsatisfied with the event. You could not remember anything about a party, so you guessed, he had not told you about it. It had probably been a spontaneous thing. “Are you not having fun?” you asked, worrying that he was feeling left out. He sighed again. “I don’t know, maybe. I can’t really tell,” he said. His words gave away how unbothered he truly was with it all. “I miss you, though,” he repeated to show its importance, and this time you had to respond to it. “I miss you too,” you said as you nipped your duvet between your fingers. It felt a bit odd to know that he was not sitting alone on his steps as usual but surrounded by other people, who could ask him who he spoke with. It made you wonder what he would say about you to his other friends. If he even had said anything at all. “I’m not drunk by the way, so this isn’t some kind of drunken confession or anything,” he explained to you, not wanting you to think that his words were influenced. “Okay, good,” you grinned as your cheeks blushed at the thought. You silently appreciated his inability to see you then as the thought of his sober mind wanting you to know set your face aflame. “Can I come see you?” he asked, and you stiffened for a second as you worried, he could read your mind. “What, now!?” you asked a bit stunned. Your reaction made him laugh. “No, but soon. We haven’t seen each other for like two months,” he said, the annoyance present in his statement. You agreed with a hum. “Okay, sure. But why don’t I come visit you, instead?” you offered, and Yoongi felt your hesitance against his suggestion. “You still haven’t told your parents about me, have you?” he asked suspiciously. You bit your lip as you thought of what to say. “I’m sorry, I just don’t think they would understand,” you explained to him. “It’s okay,” he said truthfully in return. “But you will come visit me, then?” he asked for confirmation, and you smiled. “Yes, I will,” you said back. It both made you excited and nervous. You knew him well, but the thought of seeing him again felt different than before you went away. Suddenly, it felt more important somehow.

----------------------------------

The late afternoon you went to see him, Yoongi was standing and waiting for you as you stepped off the bus. The sight unwillingly made your heart flutter, yet you tried to hide it from him. It was just so good to see his face again after what felt like forever, and Yoongi would agree. With the right person, two months can feel like that. The two of you got coffee and chose the longer path home, so you could drink and talk on the way. At first, you were both grinning a bit excessively, but you figured that suddenly seeing each other again had that effect on you. Eventually, it turned more natural, and the usual flow came into place, especially after the sky turned dark, becoming a more familiar setting. When you came to his apartment, you realized that you had never actually been inside. You had only sat on the steps with him since both of you enjoyed the night’s fresh air, but in those six months, the two of you never went inside together. You guessed it was a way of keeping the magic you had. There was just something beautiful about the mystery it left, knowing what the other’s story was without getting directly involved. But visiting him defied it, which meant that you were entering a new stage of your friendship. Waiting for him to unlock the door and let you in, you got nervous as you thought of what your parents would think, but you chose to shake it off. That was an issue for another day, you decided. His apartment was different than what you had expected. It was minimalistic and bright instead of the dark and grungy images you had in mind. The place was actually neat and inviting, which made you realize that just like his apartment, Yoongi was that way too. At first, you would expect something more rebellious, but in reality, he was much softer on the inside than he looked. He just did not care much for proving himself to other people. He did not care whether or not his image was a true reflection of who he was. As long as he got to be who he wanted, he was good, and you deeply admired that about him. You sat down on his couch, and he turned on the TV, wanting to keep the mood casual as it had been until then. You agreed on something to watch, and Yoongi pulled you close to rest against his chest before laying out a blanket over the two of you. Your widened eyes immediately found his face, cheeks pink-dusted while he scoffed. “Don’t look at me like that. We both want to, so I’m just making it happen,” he said shyly, eyes on the TV instead of on you as he barely had the courage to do it in the first place, much less explain why. He hoped, he did not have to, and you let him off the hook, simply smiling and laying your head back down. It was even nicer than he had imagined it to be. “Y/N?” Yoongi then said, and you hummed in return, feeling a bit sleepy, which Yoongi could sense in your response. He could feel the way you got slightly heavier on his chest as you relaxed, almost drifting off, and he decided to wait. “Never mind,” he said, and with that, you shut your eyes for a bit.

-------------------------------

Waking up from your nap, you were still in Yoongi’s arms, but the closeness suddenly overwhelmed you a bit. You sat up and met his eyes. “I think I fell asleep,” you said embarrassed, but Yoongi’s soft smile put you at ease. “Don’t worry, it was nice,” he stated lightly. With the absence of your weight on him, Yoongi got up from his seat and went to fix you two something to eat. Being a good cook, he made you something amazing. You sat for long at the table after eating. You talked and laughed, and time went by so fast. Suddenly, you had to call it a night as you had a bus to catch. The last one would be leaving at 10 pm, and you really had to be on it, so you put on your jacket and shoes. Yoongi did too, and despite your efforts of explaining to him that you would not mind walking there alone, he insisted. He felt bad enough about you taking the bus by yourself as it was. Making sure you got safely on the bus was the least he could do, and honestly, he wanted to. So, you made your way to the vacant bus stop to wait under the beloved night sky, and without a word, Yoongi slipped his hand in yours, not wanting to waste a single moment. You were slightly taken aback at how affectionate and touchy he had been, but at the same time, it put a permanent smile on your flustered face. As you stood there, your curiosity got the better of you, and you had to bring it up. “Uh, did you have something to say earlier?” you asked gently, referring to the moment before you had fallen asleep. Yoongi then remembered it too, and his free hand came up to scratch at his neck. “Oh, yeah, that,” he said. You ran your thumb over his, encouraging him to go on. “Okay, so I wanted to say that I am really glad you came today and seeing you made me realize just how much I’ve missed you since you moved away,” he started as his shy eyes could barely meet yours. “I like you. A lot. And I want you to know that I’m interested in you… as more than a friend,” he explained as he lifted his gaze to meet yours, searching for an answer in your expression. Calming to his beating heart, he had found that his words had made you smile. However, much too soon for his liking, he also saw your bus approaching, and he knew what that meant. “Oh, that’s me,” you said as you noticed it too, getting a bit pressed with time. Lastly, you ran your thumb over his again with gleaming eyes. “I’m interested in that too,” you answered, and it relieved him. He wanted to kiss you then. Badly. But the bus was already here, and he knew that he did not have the time. Yes, he could choose to give you a quick peck on the lips, but even as tempting as that was, he wanted to savor it. The first time he was going to kiss you, he would kiss you right. The bus stopped before you and opened its doors. You let go of Yoongi’s hand and stepped inside, turning to look at him for one last time tonight. It was 10 pm, but it did not nearly feel late enough for you to go home. Yoongi felt the same way, and you knew it from the last words he spoke. “I’ll call you at midnight,” he said as the doors closed between you. But you could still see him smiling through the glass, and he saw your smile too, following it as far as he could see while the bus drove you away. He could not wait till midnight.  

#bts #min yoongi #yoongi x reader #suga #suga x reader #agust d #kim taehyung #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #jeon jungkook #park jimin #jung hoseok #bighit #fanfic #bangtan #imagine #yoongi x y/n #fluff #angst #smut #kpop #oneshot #drabble #strangers to lovers #midnight #au #shadow #persona #king

[lottalucamotion]

Strike + 👹🍊🌺🧡💜💗

Ma Boyyy (putting this under cut because it got long and rambly)

How does my OC act around different people and how does their personality change to match the environment they are in?

Strike has always been a bit on the defensive side when it comes to meeting new people. It got worse after his accident since he got so used to people judging him based on his looks and his past. His first impressions are usually quite harsh and aggressive. He’ll act territorial with people he feels he doesn’t now well, even if they are people he’s known for a long time. With friends, he adopts a much more playful “unpleasantness” to his personality. He likes to tease and be teased, though he rarely ever goes too far with his joking. He may not seem it but he is quite hyper aware of people’s mannerisms and body language, so he’s good at knowing where people’s boundaries lie. When it comes to lovers, well his only real lover was Hot Shot. Before he met Hot Shot and after he lost him, he’s really just been a flirt and a heartbreaker. As I said, him making strict social boundaries has always been in his nature, so him yielding himself to long lasting relationships takes someone very special. With Hot Shot, he treated him quite a bit like a friend, the difference being that he felt that he could be vulnerable around him. He would still try to hide his feelings, but he and Hot Shot were good at reading each other. Once one caught on, the other would surrender and allow further communication and comforting. Even as a passing lover, Strike is surprisingly tender. He really likes physical touch. Everyone just tends to assume he’s to abrasive for things like hugs and cuddling. Physical displays of affection whether platonic or romantic are Strike’s most effective form of communication when it comes to showing how he feels about someone. Touch of some kind is important when building relationships with him, plus he just really enjoys it.

Does my OC have any triggers? Why do these things trigger them? What are they like when they are triggered and how do they calm down?

Strike as the story is currently has PTSD from his accident but doesn’t know it yet. It manifests pretty similar to depression in his every day life. He’s haunted by his feelings of guilt and fear that he will loose someone he cares about not just due to action, but also inaction. He’s grown more prone to acting aggressively when he feels threatened, even mildly (like what he did with Flat Top in the second chapter). He’s always been a but trigger happy when it comes to fighting, but it wouldn’t escalate so quickly from small things. He has nightmares and insomnia linked to thoughts of his accident. He’s become emotionally detached, unable to open himself up emotionally to any romantic relationships. His trigger is loud metallic noise akin to the sound of a train crash and the smell of burning fuel. When the noises aren’t as loud/sudden he may feel a sort of “itch” and may begin to act frustrated and punch or body check walls or other fixtures.  When more severe he will experience a flashback in which he will feel sharp pain on the left side of his face, and he will begin to dissociate where he will shut down to his surroundings, tense up, shake, and breath shallowly. If touched he may go into fight or flight mode. To calm down, he usually will go to a quiet spot and try to breath and pinpoint small details to help him come back into reality.

What additions would my oc make to their body if they could?

An engine that isn’t faulty and bigger muscles, because what diesel engine doesn’t always want bigger muscles?

What traits of my own do I see in this oc? Are they a bit self-inserty?

Honestly I had originally conceptualized Strike to be a self insert, though I feel like the more I wrote him, the more I sort of deviated him from that original role. We have a lot in common and much of his story is inspired by my own life, but he’s nowhere near being a carbon copy of myself. He and I live the same life in a much more metaphorical sense. Strike’s a non literal reflection of my traits, desires, insecurities, and fears. Strike’s appearance is inspired by my own, but also inspired what I wish I looked like, as well as what I’m self conscious about. For example, Strike’s damaged face is a reflection of a rare condition I have where the nerves on the left side of my face don’t function like they are supposed to if at all. It’s been a cause of insecurity and has seemed to make people assume things about me throughout my life, but it’s a part of who I am, so I often reflect it in some way when I create new characters, Strike is far from the first, but his experience is the most similar to my own. Strike’s story comes from my experiences and fears of loosing people I care about, being forgotten about, becoming a has-been before I could be, loosing control of myself and my life, and my desire to have someone close in my life who I can not only rely on, but who can also rely on me. I actually began writing Strike’s story shortly after starting treatment for my mental health, and he has helped me come to grips with who I am, and where to go from here.

That being said, there are differences, I share Strike’s difficulty in connecting with people, but I’m not aggressive when it comes to first meetings, or a flirt by any stretch of the imagination. I didn’t grow up like he did, though there are people (mostly positive influences) in his life who are inspired by people who positively influenced me. I’m a bit playfully sassy with close friends, but not to the amount that Strike is. I have a stubborn streak, but in Strike it’s heavily amplified. Strike’s generally a lot more of an asshole than I am.

Do you enjoy working on your oc or are they a bit of a chore?

I quite enjoy writing Strike, so I would not say he’s a chore at all. He’s probably one of the few characters I’ve been able to naturally flow with.

Ramble a bit about this character.

Let’s talk a bit about the relationship between Strike and Rusty. While writing Strike’s story, I want his story to be almost just as much Rusty’s as it is his. He and Rusty started their lives quite differently but almost ended up switching places. Strike was a successful young engine who’s situation was changed for the worst by one incident. Rusty was a beaten down underdog whose life was changed for the better after one major event. While Strike is a more abrasive personality, both he and Rusty share a stubbornness about them, for better or for worse. They will occasionally butt heads, but they seem to understand one another pretty well. Rusty has been in Strike’s place so while he feels bad for him, he knows that Strike still wants to be treated with dignity. In turn, Strike places his trust in Rusty more than anyone else. Strike feels weak and all he really wants in life it to be able to be strong for other people in his life. In a sense Strike begins to feel like he owes Rusty. While he trusts Rusty he also will often hide how he feels from Rusty out of fear that he will drag him down in the process by placing his problems on him. He was brought to the yard mainly to help Rusty, so he feels pressured to do a good job at that.

[bereft-of-frogs]

Do you have any horror book recommendations for someone who's never read horror before and would like to start getting into it? Like I know the obvious ones of like Steven King and H. P. Lovecraft, but I’d like some suggestions that aren’t white men and you seem like you have a huge amount of advice to give to us newbs.

Eeeeeeccckkkkkkkk oh no people take me seriously, I’m just a mere gremlin hiding under a bridge, the imposter syndrome, it burns-

Okay, dramatics aside, I’m obviously no expert, but I guess I have some recommendations. I will start by saying that I’m still actively working to read more (in general) by not-white-men, and I’m by no means perfect. (I’m reading more women, but I find my reading lists are still pretty white.) But I’m working on it!

To start with the White Male Classics (TM):

Stephen King at the top of his game is a great place to start. And a lot of his top books are pretty short - Carrie, Pet Sematery, Misery are my top three and they’re not long. Firestarter is pretty short, and The Mist is also great and novella length, so you don’t have to jump into his ‘bricks’ (to borrow a term from the Les Misérables fandom) like IT or Insomnia. In my personal opinion, The Shining book is also much better than the movie.

Fuck HP Lovecraft. Fuck him. Sorry for swearing so much on the answer to your ask, but I’ve just been having a month long argument with [Male Friend] about him. I refuse to read Lovecraft. I don’t care how ‘important’ he is, how influential, I don’t give a shit. Fuck him. I have a collection I’ve started three times, cannot get through it. Find his prose unnecessarily dense and boring, and the amount of times his ‘the universe is cold and unfeeling’ has been co-opted and weaponized against me by asshole Bros, I’m just done. He was also horrifyingly racist. This argument with [Friend] concluded with me sitting down on a sidewalk at midnight after [Friend] made a remark that revealed he hadn’t been listening to anything I said about Lovecraft **for days** and it might sound petty but that was the moment I was like ‘fuck Lovecraft’.

If you enjoy reading Lovecraft or enjoy what’s grown out of Lovecraftian horror, that’s great, but for newbies just know that if you don’t want to read Lovecraft, I support you.

[On my TBR list instead is Victor LaValle’s The Ballad of Black Tom. Haven’t gotten to it yet, but it’s on the list!]

For ‘Classics’ I infinitely prefer Edgar Allen Poe. Since he is a poet, his short stories are actually enjoyable as pieces of writing, and he was much more influential to me growing up. I actually got to take an online elective in high school on his work and how he influenced horror, mystery, and science fiction. So, for your 19th century Problematic Favs, I personally say go for Poe. (Yes yes, Lovecraft was writing in the early 20th century, let’s say for your ‘pre-WWII Problematic Favs’.) Get yourself a nice little collection, and get ready for Halloween season.

Richard Matheson is another White Dude Who Is Worth It, I am Legend was really good, and he’s been quite widely adapted and is a huge influence on horror film, but usually the Horror Bros (TM) haven’t actually read the books themselves, so you sound impressive when you say shit like, ‘well in Matheson’s original text...’

NOT WHITE DUDES:

Mary Shelley - #Classic, I once nearly challenged someone to a duel because he said about Frankenstein, “it was written by a teenage girl and it shows.” Frankenstein was one of the few summer reading books I actually enjoyed in high school, also if you’re into apocalyptic literature, there’s The Last Man.

Another #Classic that’s getting a revival right now due to adaptations is, of course, Shirley Jackson.

On the topic of apocalyptic literature, I’m not 100% sure Octavia Butler counts as horror, but she appears on some lists (usually it seems for Fledgling) and her work often scares me so much I usually have to take a break after reading it.

Daphne du Maurier is another #Classic - Rebecca is the #classic, but she also wrote “The Birds.”

For more modern horror writers, I’ve been working my way through these two lists (and am just going to blanket recommend them as lists, because as you start getting beyond the ‘basics’ you’ll find that some subgenres appeal more than others and these lists go into more detail about what each book offers - for example, I love how the bookriot author talks about their love of VSH - Very Significant Houses XD ):

https://lithub.com/23-great-women-horror-writers-to-freak-you-out-this-october/

https://bookriot.com/2019/06/18/horror-books-by-authors-of-color/

Sarah Lotz’s The Three was okay, it was a decent read but then I got real defensive of it after some guy’s goodreads review listed all the problems I had with it (it builds tension well, but doesn’t follow through, doesn’t quite make full use of an innovative structure and premise) - and then only recommended books by white men to read instead. So I got weirdly defensive of it. So, I would say just go for it to spite that one dude. #petty

Also noticed that Lithub also listed Elizabeth Kostova in their honorable mentions, I did like The Historian and my friend and I were laughing the other day about how it’s actually a decent portrayal of historians (particularly in the way the main character hordes books in his carrel and then spends a lot of time trying to get archive permissions and then has to just wing a conference paper #BigMood.).

This is the problem with horror, it’s such a nebulous genre that I’m always like ‘oh yeah I guess that person counts?’ Anyway, I hope this helps! It’s a rainy day here and I think I’m going to eschew my other responsibilities and read some horror instead!!

Last link: NPR’s list is massive, well organized, and diverse, so you should probably ignore everything I just said and read this list instead: https://www.npr.org/2018/08/16/632779706/click-if-you-dare-100-favorite-horror-stories

#fright night #horror recommendations #oh god people are taking me seriously i hope i dont let you down #lol yay for imposter syndrome #Anonymous

[sophiainspace]

‘Meds’: Legends of Tomorrow fic

Prompt fill for DCTV Neurodivergent Headcanons Month

Prompt fill for @stungunmilly2, who asked for Gideon reminding the Legends to take their meds, and a few other related things.

(Prompt me for a neurodivergent character drabble! You might get an entire fic if the prompt gets out of hand!)

Content warnings/clarifications: Lots of medical references, including refs to mental health conditions, autism, other neurodivergent conditions and treatment. References to an autistic meltdown (not shown). Autistic & ADHD characters. Disabled characters. Trans character. See extra notes at end. Gen. 3056 words. Characters: Jax Jackson, Sara Lance, Ray Palmer, Nate Heywood, Zari Tomaz, Mick Rory, Gideon.

I credit pretty much everything in this story to @stungunmilly2, whose prompts are perfection. This is full of their headcanons (I added a couple of my own).

Meds

(on AO3 here)

Five times the Legends crew were happy to get Gideon’s help with meds, and one time one of them wasn’t.

1. Jax

He has to admit, the AI has timing. Jax is under the engines when she brings the subject up.

“Mr Jackson, may I ask you about something?”

He slides out. “Sure, Gideon.” He gets up and wipes his hands off.

“As I have mentioned before, I am concerned, Mr Jackson.” She pauses. “I do not want to insinuate that I am watching you. However, I am responsible for your medical care.”

Leaning against the engine cylinder, he rolls his eyes and picks up the manual.

“Mr Jackson,” she presses. “You have missed a week of doses.”

Jax stares at the manual in his hand. “You don’t give up, do you, Gideon?”

“No,” she says.

He sags against the cylinder. “I don’t like the side effects,” he mutters.

“There may be various things I can do for those,” she replies.

Jax looks up. “Really?” He sounds more hopeful than he meant to.

“Certainly. I have effective remedies for nausea, headaches, insomnia, dizziness, sexual dysfunction -”

He laughs and holds up a hand to stop her. “Okay, okay, I’m getting that you can help. Geez, Gideon.”

“Additionally,” she continues, “anxiety treatment has come a long between your time and mine, Mr Jackson. Would you consider coming to the med bay and allowing me to talk you through some alternative options?”

He thinks for a minute, chewing his lip and raising his eyebrows. “Well,” he shrugs. “If you can’t make your own neurotransmitters -”

“-then store-bought are just fine,” she finishes, deadpan.

He laughs, waving a hand at her. “Fine, I get it. I’ll come talk to you. Later, though, okay? I gotta fix this mess or the next mission will mainly involve a lot of sitting around in the time stream with Sara yelling.”

“That is perfectly acceptable, Mr Jackson.”

He nods, dropping himself to the floor and sliding back under an engine cylinder.

Then he slides out again. “Gideon…” he says.

“Yes, Mr Jackson?”

He smiles. “Thanks.”

“You are very welcome, Mr Jackson.”

2. Sara

Sara wanders into the med bay at 7am, before anyone else is up.

“Good morning, Captain Lance.”

“Morning, Gideon.” She hovers at one of the medbay chairs, biting a nail.

“Is everything all right, Captain Lance?”

She stops fidgeting and looks in the vague direction that she uses when she’s imagining an embodied Gideon to talk to. It makes it easier. “Gideon, I haven’t had my levels checked in a while.”

Gideon’s tone is almost concerned. “Captain. You know levels of your medication should be checked three-monthly, along with renal and thyroid function.”

Sara sighs. “And you clearly also know that, Gideon. So why haven’t you reminded me?”

Gideon is silent for a moment. Sara briefly wonders what thinking is like for her.

“Captain Lance. You know that I know a great deal about the crew, yes?”

“...Yes?” Sara isn’t sure where this is going. “You can see our dreams if you want to. You’ve got files on all of us. That kind of thing?”

“That is what I was referring to, yes. However, I would never want a member of the crew to think that I didn’t respect their privacy.” She says that last word with the clipped English vowel. “Especially over medical matters.”

Sara frowns. “Gideon, are you saying you didn’t remind me about my tests because I’ve never -” she pauses, swallows and tries again. “Because I’ve never talked to you about being bipolar?”

“That is correct, Captain.”

Sara smiles, wondering whether it’s Rip’s influence that has left Gideon so surprisingly… human. The AI may have some strange, computer-like lapses in judgement at times, but she can be very considerate, too. Sara strokes the med bay seat absently.

“So, Ms Lance?” Gideon breaks in.

Sara sighs and sits down. “Lay ‘em on me, Gideon. All the lithium tests.” She winces as the medical cuff closes around her wrist. 

“Just three short tests, Captain,” Gideon says reassuringly. “And I promise you won’t feel a thing.”

“Liar,” Sara sighs.

3. Ray

“Dr Palmer?”

Ray looks up from his desk, where he’s mixing chemicals. Upon seeing no one else in his lab, he clocks who the voice belongs to. “Hi, Gideon!”

“I would like to remind you that it’s past time for your medication.”

Ray slaps himself upside the head. “Oh darn it, of course it is. Thanks for the reminder!” He grins as he reaches for the pill box in his bag. “Hey, you know what the problem was, Gideon?”

“What, Dr Palmer?”

“I forgot to sing the medication song!” He knocks a pill back with a swig from the coffee mug on his desk. (The coffee’s cold, and he grimaces.)

There’s silence for a moment, before Gideon says, “Yes, I’m sure that’s the problem.”

He scowls. “Oh, come on, Gideon. You know the song helps the whole crew remember their meds. This is a vital service I’m offering everyone.”

On cue, Nate shoves his head around the door. “Are we singing the song? Oh, please say we’re singing the song.” He bounds into the room, puppy-like.

Ray raises his eyebrows at him. “Had your meds, bro?”

Nate waves a hand. “Yeah, on time and everything. But I hear you need the song, buddy! Citizen Steel is flying in to help.” He sprawls himself over a chair.

“Still not Superman, Nate,” Ray says, and Nate pouts. “Gideon, you’ll sing the song with us, right?”

“I do not sing, Dr Palmer,” she says tightly.

Ray delivers a plaintive look towards the ceiling. “Oh come on, Gideon. Just one verse? For me?”

Nate provides effective, necessary assistance. “Come on, Gideon,” he whines. “You know you want to.”

If Gideon could sigh, Ray thinks she would be doing it. Instead, she says, “All right, Dr Palmer, Dr Heywood - if you insist. You will have to start, though.”

Ray smiles and raises a hand, conductor to his invisible orchestra. “My verse!” he calls out to begin, and takes up the song to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat. “7am is Benadryl, 10pm is Tofranil. Happy and healthy and focused and calm, taking all our pills.” He nods towards Nate. “Nate’s verse!”

Nate bounces on his chair and joins in. “7am is Adderall, then it’s time for T, night time’s DDAVP, and don’t forget the coffee!”

Gideon cuts in helpfully. “Dr Heywood, I believe your haemophilia medication needs to be taken at 11pm each night, so you might consider adding the specific time into your verse. Otherwise that sounds like a very… useful song.”

Nate shrugs. “We can’t make the time scan with the rest.”

“We’re cutting the scansion a bit fine with the coffee line anyway,” Ray says thoughtfully.

Nate flicks the pens on the desk in front of him, sending them flying in all directions. “We wrote Sara a verse, but it basically just says ‘take your fucking lithium at 7’ and she said she was good but that she really appreciates having us on the crew,” he says.

“And Jax yelled ‘I TAKE ONE PILL AND HAVE A REMINDER ON MY PHONE, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE’ when I tried to ask if he wanted a verse,” Ray adds, doing what he thinks is a passable Jax impression.

Nate spins his chair. “Again! And this time you’re singing too, Gideon.”

Ray snorts, then lifts his conductor arm again.

Gideon joins in, obviously unimpressed throughout.

4. Zari

She turns over in the dark and looks at the ship’s clock display, flashing 3am. She sighs and shoves the pillow over her head.

After a moment, she puts the pillow back under her head and turns to the wall.

A few minutes later, she turns back over, hurls the pillow onto the floor and groans.

“Gideon,” she says, in a flat tone. She doesn’t follow the name with a command. (A coding joke starts to form in her head, but she abandons it. She’s too tired to snark.)

“Yes, Ms Tomaz?”

She sighs. “Nothing. Never mind.”

She lapses back into a muggy silence, lying awake in the dark for maybe ten minutes longer. Until the quiet is interrupted by a nosy computer.

“Ms Tomaz,” Gideon says softly, presumably trying not to startle her. “We have talked about how it’s not uncommon for people to need medical support after a trauma, have we not?”

Zari winces. “Yes, Gideon, and I’ve told you I don’t want antidepressants right now. We’ll talk about it again in a few weeks.”

“Of course, Ms Tomaz - but perhaps tonight you might be willing to consider the sleep aid I’ve suggested. Just for one night, perhaps. As I said, there are few if any side effects.”

She shakes her head firmly in the dark. “Not taking anything I could get addicted to.”

“The sedative I could offer would be non-habit forming if not taken on more than an occasional basis. And I can’t imagine you accepting it again soon,” Gideon adds wryly.

Zari’s quiet for a while. “Would I have to go to the med bay?” she says after a minute.

“Only for me to deliver the medication to you. Then you can come straight back to your own room. No sleeping in chairs, I promise.” Gideon’s tone shifts from formal to personal again, hinting at more kindness than Zari can handle from an AI at 3 in the morning. “Ms Tomaz, you can’t continue to function at this level of sleeplessness.”

She sits up and rubs her eyes. “Yeah, you’re not wrong there, Gideon,” she agrees. She drags herself up into a standing position. “All right. We’re going. Don’t let me get lost going back to bed, Gideon. I don’t wanna end up in Mick’s room or anything, ‘kay?”

“Although that’s highly unlikely, I will make it my personal mission to ensure that you do not end up in any inappropriate situations.”

Zari rolls her eyes as she pulls on her robe and slippers. “Thanks. I think.”

“Don’t worry, Ms Tomaz,” Gideon assures her. “I’ll take good care of you.”

“You’d better, you meddling machine.”

5. Nate

He’s brushing his teeth in his room over a bowl of water — he really hates lining up for the bathroom — when Gideon breaks into his morning routine.

“Hello, Dr Heywood.”

“Oh hey, Gideon,” he says through a mouthful of toothpaste, and spits. “What can I do for you this fine morning?”

“I’ve noticed that you haven’t taken your medication yet. You usually take it before breakfast. I didn’t want you to forget.”

Nate laughs, pulling on a sweatshirt with WAVERIDER LEGENDS emblazened across it. (He’d got jealous of the STAR Labs team and their sweatshirts, on the latest team-up, and had Gideon make these. He and Ray are the only crew members still faithfully wearing them, now that the novelty’s worn off.) “I’m good, Gideon. You don’t have to remind me. But thanks.” He moves over to his storage cupboards. “Took me a long time to get through the gender clinics,” he says thoughtfully. “I never forget my T now.” He grabs two breakfast bars and a bottle of water from a drawer, and goes back to his desk to take his meds. “And… well, I don’t love the DDAVP quite so much,” he says, glancing down as he removes a testosterone patch from the packet. “But I do enjoy not bleeding to death on the regular. So.”

“Then I am glad that you’re looking after yourself, Dr Heywood,” Gideon replies. “But if you ever find yourself forgetting, I’m always happy to remind you.”

He laughs as he moves on, wrestling with a bottle of pills that doesn’t want to open. “Interfering, Gideon?” He wrenches the bottle open after a minute, just as he’s thinking of steeling up and slamming the lid against something.

“You will get no interference from me, Dr Heywood,” she says, as Nate finishes up and swings out of the room towards the galley. “I’m just very keen to make sure my crewmates are as healthy as they need to be, can be, and want to be.”

“And we appreciate it, Gideon.” He smiles, and carefully doesn’t mention that he’s noticed how she referred to them.

“And don’t forget your morning coffee, Dr Heywood,” she adds, as he enters the kitchen.

“As if I would.”

+1. Mick

Ray is barging into Mick’s room before Gideon has finished saying “meltdown.”

Mick looks exhausted, curled up in the corner of his room.

Ray crouches down next to him. “Hey,” he says quietly. Getting no response, he tries again. “Mick, can you look at me? It’s okay if you can’t.”

Mick looks up with unusually quiet compliance. He doesn’t complain about Ray entering the room uninvited.

Ray smiles. “Hey, buddy. Gideon told me you got stressed out.”

“Yeah.” He shrugs, his arms wrapped around himself. For Mick, he looks oddly small there in the corner.

“Do you want anything?” Ray asks. “Water? Tea? I -” He scratches the back of his head. “I don’t know, do you have a weighted blanket or anything?”

“No.” He’s staring straight ahead into empty space.

“Mr Rory,” Gideon’s voice comes, insistent.

Mick starts to reply to her, then gives up, waving his hand helplessly. “Gideon. Tell him.”

She responds immediately. “Mr Rory,” she repeats. “Do I have your consent to share your basic medical information and the relevant portions of our conversations on the subject, with Dr Palmer?”

Mick grits his teeth and manages to say, “Yeah. He knows a lot of it.”

“Dr Palmer, I have been encouraging Mr Rory to consider medication. Including antidepressant medication to help with the symptoms of his autistic spectrum condition.” On cue, Mick growls and Ray winces, and Gideon rephrases. “The features of his autism. I have told him that, according to research current to the 22nd century, the same medication is very likely to help with his pyromania.”

He growls louder at that.

“Clearly, however, that is a conversation for another day,” Gideon adds. “Right now I am simply trying to establish whether Mr Rory would like a mild sedative. Just to help calm his current anxiety.”

Ray nods at the ceiling. He moves around to sit next to Mick against the wall, looking away from him. “You know,” Ray says, pulling out a fidget toy from his pocket. He deftly tangles and untangles it with one hand. “I’m on antidepressants.” Mick doesn’t say anything, but he raises his eyebrows. Ray continues, emboldened by the half-response. “A kind that no one’s ever heard of.” He laughs. “You wouldn’t believe how many meds I went through before I found one that I wasn’t allergic to. I mean -”

Mick interrupts with another growl.

Ray nods at him apologetically. “Right, not the time for a story, sorry. Anyway,” he continues, “it’s not so bad. I don’t get so many shutdowns anymore. And I’m not so anxious all the time.”

Mick takes a deep breath, still staring into space. “I’m not crazy.”

Ray winces, then raises his eyebrows. “Crazy’s a relative term, and also we try not to say it anymore, Mick.” Mick huffs at him. “But I’m not saying -” He sighs and cuts off. If Gideon had a physical form right now, he’d be looking to her for help.

Mick drops his head onto his arms, hiding his face. “I like my fire thing,” he says, muffled.

“I know,” Ray says quickly, “and no one’s trying to change you.” He turns to look at him. “This is your decision, Mick. If you like yourself better without meds, then you do. But - hey, right now? Do you think you’d feel better taking something to calm you down?”

Ray waits for Mick to consider this.

Eventually he lifts his head off his arms and looks at Ray. “No,” he says decisively. “No meds.”

Ray nods. “Okay then.”

Mick grunts as he stands up. “Gideon - talk about this another time?”

“Certainly, Mr Rory. The medbay doors are always open to you. Or just ask to talk when you’re in your room, if you would like to be more certain of privacy.”

“Good.” He glances at Ray. “Training room. Wanna hit something bigger than that,” he says, nodding at the bag hanging from his ceiling.

Ray shrugs from where he’s still crouched on the floor. “Doesn’t sound like the worst thing you could be doing. Want some company? Not to hit me, though,” he adds in a rush, standing up. “That does not sound fun so please don’t do that.”

Mick nods once. “No hitting you. Got it.” He grabs a kit bag from his bench. “Come on, Haircut.”

Ray risks patting him on the back as they leave. He wishes he could say something comforting or supportive, but he can’t think of anything that Mick wouldn’t either laugh at or shrug off.

He falls out of step with Mick, letting him move ahead down the corridor for a minute. “Thanks for letting me know, Gideon,” he says quietly. “Not sure how much I helped, but…”

“Probably more than I did, Dr Palmer,” she says in an almost-whisper.

Ray hums doubtfully, but nods.

They work out side by side for half an hour or so. By the end, Mick is talking in full sentences again. Well, as close to full sentences as he ever gets.

Notes

This is a Tangle, a stimming toy aimed at autistic people, which Ray is playing with when he’s talking to Mick.

Medication references: Sara - Lithium is a medication often taken for bipolar disorder. People taking it need regular blood tests. Nate - DDAVP is a medication for haemophilia. Adderall is a medication for ADHD. Reference to ‘T’ is to testosterone (taken by trans men who transition).  Ray - Tofranil is a (not very commonly taken) antidepressant.

People who might enjoy this (hope it’s okay to tag you - tell me if annoying!): @bisexuallaurellance @peppersandcats @tobyaudax @youplaywithblood @yesokayiknow @stillthewordgirl @jessicamiriamdrew@terrayoung @wonderingtheblue @lacommunarde @eveningspirit @dubiousculturalartifact @jewishgarygreen

#legends of tomorrow fanfic #autistic acceptance month #sara lance #ray palmer #nate heywood #mick rory #zari tomaz #jax jackson #disaster crew #legends of domesticity #dctv neurodivergent headcanons month #april autistic dctv drabbles #red instead #mental health #autistic headcanons #neurodivergent headcanons #my fic #can I queue some stuff now

[eoswriter]

Once Upon a time in Eos Pt.1

Final Fantasy XV x Reader Characters: You, Noctis, Ignis, Gladius, Promoto Rating: R 

Life is always a mystery, as humans we do not know what is going to happen in the future and what fate has in store for us. It’s the reality we live in, we play games to escape the real world, dive our heads into worlds which we could never truly go to, however much we wished for it. That’s just how the world works sadly. But what if fate had something waiting for us… which was completely unexpected and unbelievable… If what we really saw was fiction, that there was something greater out there... waiting for us.

You were walking down the road, listening to one of the many philosophy audio-books which your friend had brought (without you knowing) on your audible account, sighing you didn’t really believe most of it. Your head was firmly out of the clouds for the most part. “I can’t believe she brought all these…” You sighed to yourself as you headed down the road towards school “I trusted her...” In reality you knew you couldn’t do much, the two of you were the only friendship each other had. You chuckled to yourself a little knowing in only a couple of minutes you would be laughing about the nonsense which you had listened to on the way to school. For that you couldn’t even feel anger towards her, instead your compassion showed as usual. Laughing to yourself you started to cross the road… without looking.

There was a loud crash heard from the school yard, as students ran out of the gates to see what had happened, your friend stood there, staring, as she saw her best friend lying on the ground, a pool of blood expanding across the road. Your phone was in your hand, headphones tangled in your hair…

Fate can have a cruel way of showing itself, we don’t always have an extremely lucky life, it can be hard and painful… but once the pain has gone, your own reality can be completely changed in a single heartbeat.

 “[Y/N]” you heard faintly “[Y/N] it’s time for school!” Opening your eyes, you looked around, this wasn’t where you remembered being the last time you were awake, in fact… nothing looked familiar, including the large figure hanging over you. “Hmmm?” You grumbled rubbing your eyes wondering if you were having a lucid dream. “Get up!” The man by your bed shook you slightly “You are going to embarrass everyone” You shot up, realising this wasn’t home, nor was the man in front of you someone you knew. “What the fu..” you moaned, stretching your arms out wide, hearing a loud click as your spine stretched out “Language!” The man snapped. Focusing on his face, you didn’t know this man. He had short brown hair, sharp blue eyes and his facial expressions were sharp and unwelcoming to say the least. “Where…am I?” You asked, looking at the man, confused. The last thing you remembered was walking across the road to get to school, before, everything had gone dark… What had happened?

“Eos, Insomnia, in your room, in my house” The man responded “Insomnia?” it sounded like you were in a lucid dream with a name like that for this so-called world you were now finding yourself in. “Huh?” “Have you completely forgotten everything? Did you get into a fight and bash your head against the wall?” “Eh… I...” “Trust it to be mine, out of everyone…To lose a fight!” “I didn’t get in a fight” You muttered back “It was worse than that…” You started to think back, how on earth did you get here… but it made no sense. Your head started to hurt, throbbing with pain. “ah… my head” “where you out with those dam boys again?” The man hissed “I told Regis... Noctis and Prompto are not going to be a good influence on you... that you should leave school and join the Kingsglaive now” “Who… what… wait what?”

The man walked over to the table where a set of clothes laid neatly piled, obviously for you. “put these on and be downstairs in 10 minutes” he commanded. Shocked you did as the man said, rushing out of bed as soon as he closed the door behind him. After putting on the long baggy vest, shorts and boots you took a glimpse out the window…

Your heart stopped. This wasn’t home, nor was it earth, that’s for sure. “where the hell…” You started to look around the room for clues of your whereabouts and who the man was who had awoken you so rudely this morning. You found a photo by your bed, picking it up and looking closer it was of you and this man. “he must be of some importance to me…” You sighed “But I don’t know who he is…” You thought back to the last moment you remembered before waking up in this nightmare. You remembered the road, the audiobook… the loud… You dropped the photo from your hand, the frame making a loud crashing noise. Your eyes wide, a drop of sweat dripped down from your hairline “I…died?” Your knees felt weak, your body shaking. “I… Can’t go home..” For a moment you froze on the spot. Not really knowing what to do, then you realised, if you were dead, there was no going back, this world was now your home and for once you felt lucky that that hadn’t been the end.

You heard a noise coming from under the pillow, you moved closer to discover your phone, “Prompto..?” You muttered “That man had mentioned him…” You quickly picked up the phone, holding it closely to your ear. “Hey! [Y/N]! Where are you?!” A loud voice was heard from the other end, he sounded excited, his voice higher pitched. “We are here!” “I’m… in my room” “What?! Did Cor not drag your ass out of bed?!” He laughed, then you heard another voice from his end of the phone, You couldn’t work out what he had said “hurry up!” “ah… yeah” You sighed as he put the phone down.

You opened up a note on your phone, and quickly wrote in - Cor; May be dad? Grumpy, clearly known for being an arsehole - Prompto: Friend?

Closing it quickly you rushed out the door started to look around, trying to find Cor in this apartment. “There you are” You heard Cor say “So… did you think about my suggestion?” “huh?” “about starting training with the Kingsglaive, you had always expressed you wanted to join, follow in your old mans steps and be part of the military” “I…err… what about school?” “you can still go, but half of your day will be training, you would be one of the youngest members.” “I…er… Sure” In reality you had no idea what you were about to put yourself through “Brilliant, that’s what I wanted to hear, I will make the call today, you better go, Prompto is waiting outside… I won’t let him in” Quickly rushing, you ran out the door and ran straight into a skinny blonde-haired boy, He smiled and grabbed you, wrapping his arm around your neck “Took your time!” “huh… Prompto?” “Yeah, why are you looking at me like you don’t have a clue who I am!” He laughed, “Common we have to go”

The two of you left the building, to find the voice who you had heard, waiting outside the building, his back against the wall, his hair was black, He was a lot shorter than Prompto that was for sure. “Got her!” Prompto shouted, as the other boy turned to face us “Took her dam time” he sighed “Noct… She isn’t as bad as you” Prompto laughed. “anyway the car is here” “Spec’s better not be here…” Noct sighed “I didn’t study or even try to clean...” “That’s the joys of living outside the citadel Noct!” “Ergh..” Prompto opened the car door, waiting for Noct to climb in before the two of you followed….

 What the hell had happened…. And what was this life you had just stepped into.

#final fantasy xv #fanfiction #ignis #gladius #noctis #prompto #reader #x reader #ignis x reader #final fantasy fanfiction #ffxv fanfiction

[blandwriting]

It's been a long pause, where have I been? Mostly procrastinating at knowing how to be a functioning adult. Despite my flaws, characteristically I'm still very much the same. Major Depressive Disorder, a term to prescribe me antidepressants at a low yet effective amount to keep my anxiety at bay. Effexor XR, Side effects include loss of appetite, drowsiness, blurred vision, fatigue, dry mouth, nausea, sweaty palms, leg tremors, insomnia; I guess the cure and the ailment are one in the same. I'm functioning now at a rate where I feel almost numb enough to feel sufficed by my less than mediocre existence. Thirty years old, greying hair and pubes, a long list of non established idea's that never got off the ground. Financial freedom.... We just reinstated a credit card due to the pandemic taking away our wage and making us less than satisfactory to pay for our fancy Meriton apartment in Mascot. Paces ahead but still trailing behind. I always find myself romanticising life.... Looking for the hidden posies in the mess. No wonder my outlook had degraded to catatonic self destructive seeking missile. I was hit by a car and rolled up onto the dash.... fell to the ground miraculously leaving unscathed only bruised and badly shaken... although the longing for greater injuries if not death was the only thing I could fixate on. Why was I so depressed... why was I so unnerved at my miraculous and somewhat outstanding ability to survive a car driving directly into my right leg without so much as even breaking a bone? I flew over the top of the bonnet and rolled down onto the wet and unforgiving bitumen with nothing more than a manic episode. It opened up a huge sinkhole.... the medication was the only thing stopping me from taking my own life. I cared for nothing. I've had a lot of sobering moments in my short by well worn life. But sitting across from my doctor with tear stained cheeks, quivering bottom lip and shaking hands, I'd spent the last three days just scream crying every moment I had left with my swelling thoughts of self harm and suicide. I simply no longer wished to live.... My doctor worried expression painted across her face sat there and listened to me, as my emotions heightened and I cried out that I was fine... everyone said I was fine... so if I'm fine then why do I no longer want to live... Something has to change... I'm exhausted.... I simply no longer wish to exist, I am meaningless and broken I'm discarded and used, People whom only benefit from myself keep me around I am not loved, I never had been unconditionally loved. She sat there mouth agape... "Krystal..." I looked up to her, With what I can only imagine would have been one of the most pained looks I've ever given another person... " You're not going to kill yourself are you?..." she said furrowing her brows at me with a downturned expression, I looked to the right with my lips pressed into a straight line, rubbing the edge of my thumb nails to the underside of my thumbs, swapping them back and forth, as I looked to my left avoiding eye contact but ruminating on how I felt... softly I let out " I don't know anymore". She reached her hand across the table and asked for my left arm as my right was rendered useless by the bruising. I handed her my hand, hers warm the warmest hand I've felt in a long time, " If you kill yourself Krystal I'll be very angry with you, It will hurt everyone you love, You make me laugh everytime you come in, there are so many other choices".

In that moment I looked at her, I knew I couldn't do it, I'd been held accountable. My heart swollen she wrote me a prescription and I'd left that office with a follow up appointment booked, before I walked out of her room I asked her for a hug, In that moment I felt loved, truly loved with an unbiased heart, She literally didn't have to at all, but I just so needed a hug without answers without question, I just needed that in that moment. To feel loved.

This is the thing, loved. A feeling every human being on the face of the planet longs for a feeling of complete and total acceptance. That is all I've ever been looking for, to feel accepted. I grew up in an unconventional yet familiar family story, My mother freshly 18 two weeks out of the legal boom gates, and my Father turned 22 an hour and fourteen minutes after I was born, It was the typical Australian 1991 period, Still heavily influenced by Christianity, My mum was placed in a separate wing from the other mothers who were Married or accounted for, She and dad were on-again off-again young lovers with a fiery relationship built on jealousy drama and pure attraction, I came into the world on a Monday, it was Mercury retrograde, need I say more. Mum didn't have a lot of money or a stable household at that time, she was living in-between homes, Momentarily we lived in the garage out the back of her mothers house, a red back spider infested ex photography studio and teenager hangout spot, They had a tumultuous relationship themselves, That's the difficulty with family scars, My father from memory lived in a share house with friends, he and his parent's also from a not so forgiving background, both of my parents were dragged up I wouldn't really say either had the golden childhood either of them really deserved, two seperate sides of two different coins, but both resulting in the universal fate of their meeting and my existence. It wasn't long and without shock before my parent's broke up. My dad wasn't ready for fatherhood, he was still drinking and fighting and doing whatever he wanted to do, and mum a young mother had taken on the role of responsibility with a bit more of a stiff upper lip, Rightfully so. He and she were again on and off again for the most of my formidable years, I remember my mum writing notes on a phone pad, back when corded phones were a thing and you were stuck in one place, She'd write his name with hearts and little doodles, I also remember her agonising cries when they'd broken up. It wasn't unusual for Mum to drop me at dad's and for he to leave me with his latest fling and I'd give them hell while he went out stalking down Mum wherever she was. I remember the arguments and my dad's alcohol induced rages towards mum. He showing up to our cottage at random hours banging on the doors and window's to be let in, I remember being dragged out of bed at 2-3-4 am to be placed in a cold Torana to drive around because he was in a violent frenzy smashing every valuable mum had collected on her very small wage she was earning working at a pub to support us, to give me all she could. He'd come in and ruin everything, our tables our chairs the television he'd smash her beds up throw the kitchen around smash the dining tables and chairs, a violent and unstoppable force, and then just like a hurricane he would dissipate and we would rebuild; I don't know how my mother did it, that man didn't even pay the child support he was owing, how do I know this as an adult I went into my centrelink history and saw all of the unpaid arrears.... funny that.

Due to my home life being so far from average or normal I really focused on my imagination, I was plagued with nightmares and an extreme amount of anxiety.... But we didn't really know or talk about mental health in children back then... So I just played with our cats and dogs, singing on the swing alone or annoying our Landlord who owned a sign writing shop out the front, I'd collect snails or grab my dog and escape to the hair salon out on the main road our cottage was behind. The creativity really appealed to me, it gave me an escape from an otherwise crippling existence even for a small child, I was so loved and my mum did everything she could to prove that so, but I just felt so conditional.... I think even as a small child below the age of five I knew that my mothers life would be different if I didn't exist... At school there were rumours around about my family so obviously the children were biased based upon their parents opinions even as early as preschool mum and I faced adversity... I was an outcast from a poor family going to a Lutheran preschool in an affluent area, my mum showing up in a Commodore to drop me off, young and beautiful, I found it difficult to make friends, although I had one best friend but she ended out going to the adjoining Primary school and I were to be moved to the state school three doors down from our cottage.

When I started at my primary school there was 27 students from year 1 to year 7, there were Three educators, Miss S was year 1 - 3, Mrs B was mathematics and science and the Principal Mr F educated year 4-7. I'd made some friends but I was a little off-beat and bossy and a real stickler for the rules so I was always telling on everyone, I wasn't overly athletic or smart, I was more interested in writing or talking or reading than really doing any actual school work. I remember vividly being in trouble for talking while we were doing maths which I still very much struggle with today.... But I ended out being put in time out and I sat there and thought I'd counted to a thousand... because I was entirely bored.... Miss S walked past and I told her " Miss S I counted to a thousand". She looked down at me and said " No you didn't, You silly girl you don't know how to... now be quiet". I'm still cut about that... Mole.

There were many times in those years I was subjected to questionable people and activities many in which I know for sure, No child of mine is ever having sleepovers at their friends houses.... and I mean it. I was socially under developed and preferred the company of adults to children... I didn't fit in with kids my age and the ones I was socialised with were little sicko's with weird parents...

Surprisingly my parent's got back together when I was around age 7 or 8... My dad was working overseas and for some reason mum and he decided to get married by this point my mum had my first younger brother and She and Dad got married...... even that day was a flop for my poor Mum... he ended out going on a four day drinking binge with his friends and mum was left to clean up the mess of the wedding after party and retire home alone. Romantic right?.... I love and adore each one of my four younger brothers and I am so thankful for their existence they’re all individually wonderful and loving and kind i just find it difficult to sometimes sit there and think about how different my mum’s life could have been... had none of us existed.... although I am grateful sometimes for existence I just wish that my dad had dealt with his demons and maybe had gotten some help, flash forward a few years and dad ended up in rehab for six weeks during that time he’d seen mental health professionals but nothing came from it... he just decided to not take his Zoloft because “he hates feeling happy” He for some reason needs aggression which for me is something I just cannot simply understand, now as an adult I recognise my parents have their own issues their own histories and past just as we all do, but it’s one of those things where when I was younger and learning about the world my perception wasn’t of that but only of a lack of unconditional love, now as an adult I’ll do upmost anything to prevent being like my father, so when offered the help I took it... there weren’t other options in that moment for me to be functioning... I just hope I made the right choice.

As a teenager I experienced the usual laziness,  my household was filled with children and crying and new borns the precession of another brother came closely after the first was born and mum was dealing with a “hyperactive” toddler and a newborn and myself now a pre-teen.... I’d moved school’s by this point but realistically speaking and I’ll cut it fairly short, I never really fit in with anyone or anything.... Without being academically gifted or Athletically gifted... my value wasn’t highly ranked... I spent most of my lunch breaks playing Chinese checkers in the library or reading books, I loved books and Encyclopedia’s, hyper-fixating on certain topics and being drawn to the mystics and paranormal.. I would spend hours pouring over pages within books my Aunties had gifted me for Birthday’s or Christmas’s. I feel like my time filled within that school was also darkened by my own inability to behave like a “normal person” I don’t know if at the age of ten I was acutely aware at all about my inability to fit in... all i know is getting choked out at lunch time and ran away from wasn’t the best...

I’ll continue the story later.

[beloved-31-proverbs-women]

Symptoms of Demonic Operation in a PERSON

Incapacity for normal living (Mark 5:1-5)

Just as the actions of Legion made the man unsuitable for normal social interaction with friends and family, an unusual desire for solitude, accompanied by a deep loneliness, will often set in. The person will often become very passive with no desire to change.

Extreme behavior (Mark 5:4)

Violence will often be evident in the victim’s life. An explosive temper and extreme, uncontrollable anger are dangerous behaviors that control the individual and the people who love him or her.

Personality changes (Mark 5:9, 12)

Multiple personalities exist in some of the most serious cases of demonic control. This man had a “legion” of spirits within his life. All cases of multiple personality may not be demonic, but in most cases demon activity is involved. Changes in personality, extreme or mild, may be evidence of demonic activity.

Restlessness and insomnia (Mark 5:5)

In verse 5, we see this man crying in the tombs “night and day.” He could not sleep. Insomnia can be a sign of a physical problem or a sign of a spiritual problem. God has gifted His children with sleep (Ps. 127:2). So when you cannot sleep night after night and there is no medical reason for this disturbance, the devil maybe tormenting you. Don’t forget: You have the right to rest in Jesus!

A terrible inner anguish (Mark 5:5)

This man was deeply tormented in mind and heart. Various levels of anguish are evident in those who are afflicted by demons. Grief and anguish are normal emotions for us all. Yet persistent, unresolved anguish that will not leave after normal therapies of counseling, encouragement and prayer could well be demonic.

Self-inflicted injury and suicide (Mark 5:5)

Here we see the demonic man cutting himself. If you read Mark 9:14-29, you will see the story of the man whose son was both deaf and mute because of a demon: “Wherever it [the evil spirit] seizes him, it throws him down ... Often he [the demon] has thrown him [the boy] both into the fire and into the water to destroy him” (vv. 18, 22). Jesus cast out the demon: “The spirit cried out, convulsed him [the boy] greatly, and came out of him. And he became as one dead ... But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose” (vv. 26-27). Demons can cause people to injure themselves. They even incite suicide.

Unexplained illness with no obvious medical cause

When medical testing produces no physical cause for an illness, then we should look to the mind and spirit for answers. Sometimes illnesses are psychological, and good counseling can result in a cure. Other times the battle is with demons. A scriptural example of this is found in Luke 13:11-16, the story of a woman afflicted by a “spirit of infirmity” (v. 11). Jesus called her “a daughter of Abraham, whom Satan has bound” (v. 16). Obviously she was a child of God and faithful to her synagogue, with a desire to know more about the Lord. Then, “Jesus ... said to her, ‘Woman, you are loosed from your infirmity.’ And He laid His hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God” (vv. 12-13). There are physical illnesses caused by a class of demons known as “spirits of infirmity.”

Addictive behavior

Addiction to alcohol, drugs, sex, food, gambling and other things opens the door to demonic influence and control. I am not saying demons cause all of these problems; certainly people are responsible for their own wrong choices. But anything that causes one to be out of control opens that person to infernal control.

Defeat, failure, and depression in the Christian life

Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 2:14, “Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ.” Notice this verse is preceded by an exhortation from Paul to forgive others “lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices” (vv. 10-11). It is Satan’s purpose to take advantage of our situations and to rob us of the victorious life that is ours in Christ. The psalmist cried out, “By this I know that You are well pleased with me, because my enemy does not triumph over me” (Ps. 41:11).

This symptom is often manifested by an inability to praise and worship. Psalm 92:1-4 is a testimony to the power of praise. It culminates in verse 4, where David said, “For You, Lord, have made me glad through Your work; I will triumph in the works of Your hands.” Again he said, “Save us, O Lord our God ... to give thanks ... [and] to triumph in Your praise” (Ps. 106:47).

Occult involvement and behavior

Deuteronomy 18:9-12 catalogs the works of the occult and witchcraft, including child sacrifice; fortune-telling; soothsaying; interpreting omens; sorcery; and the work of those who conjure spells, mediums, spiritists and those who call up the dead. Then verse 15 instructs the people to hear the word of God from the prophet of God and order their lives accordingly. Occult involvement is clearly a symptom of demonic control.

Speech difficulties

In Matthew 9:32-33, Jesus rebuked a demon, and the mute man was able to speak. Speech difficulties may be physical, emotional, mental and, in some cases, demonic. Extreme language and cursing may be prompted by the enemy.

Doctrinal error

In 1 Timothy 4:1 we receive a warning that in the last days, deceiving spirits will teach the "doctrines of demons." Today, religious cults and charlatans abound. The reason these deceivers draw many people is the power of the demonic that teaches them.

Religious legalism

Galatians 3:1 says to the believer who is in danger of going back under the Law, “Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth?” The church at Galatia had forsaken a faith ministry that resulted in the miraculous (v. 5) for a law ministry of rules and regulations. Paul classified this error as witchcraft.

Some deeply religious people are under the bondage of tradition, man-made rules and outward appearances. Demons thrive in this kind of environment, especially demons of control. It is a lot easier to keep a ritual or list of rules than it is to walk by faith. Wherever there is any substitute for faith in the finished work of Christ, it is a doctrine of demons.

[ellymackay]

How Your Chronotype Can Help in the Coronavirus Outbreak

How Your Chronotype Can Help in the Coronavirus Outbreak was originally seen on Elly Mackay's Sleep Blog

What does your chronotype have to do with how you’re faring in these strange, difficult days of isolation and uncertainty?

A lot.

That’s because your individual chronobiology has effects over our physical health, disease risk, emotional health and cognitive performance, and sleep. Our chronotypes—and how well we’re able to live in sync with our daily bio rhythms—can have a significant influence over how well we cope with the extreme conditions and exceptional stressors we’re facing right now.

We’ve all got a lot of questions right now about how to optimize our health and safety, manage our stress, and get enough sleep, in hopes of lowering our risks for contracting Covid-19 and reducing the risks of serious complications. We’re also trying to stay free of other illnesses and injuries that might take us into our health-care systems at this moment.

I wrote recently about the serious look that scientists are giving melatonin, as a possible therapy for helping the body better cope with Covid-19, by reducing the uncontrolled inflammation that creates the most serious complications within the disease. I’ve been talking about prebiotics, and their contribution to a healthy microbiome, which may improve deep sleep and REM sleep, particularly when the body is under stress. I’m also writing a lot about the relationship between stress and sleep, and how we all can cope better and sleep better in these stressful times.

Today I’m talking about chronotypes, and how we can use them right now to keep ourselves sleeping better and feeling more grounded when the world is turned upside down.

Knowing more about how your chronotype works can help you sleep better through this crisis, help boost your immune system, and cope with the uncertainty and strain so many of us are under.

Even as some communities begin re-opening some aspects of public life, it’s clear that we’re all going to be living under some very changed, and challenging, circumstances for some time to come.

Let’s look at some of the strengths and vulnerabilities that each chronotype is likely to face during physical and social isolation and the most important steps you can take to improve your sleep and overall wellness by utilizing your body’s own bio rhythms.

Don’t yet know your chronotype? Take my quiz: www.chronoquiz.com

Then jump back here to find out how your chronotype is influencing your daily life and sleep in these exceptional times—and how to harness chronobiology for your mental, physical, and emotional advantage.

And for a full run-down on all the ways that chronotype affects your life, health, sleep and performance—and how to optimize every aspect of your life by living more in sync with your bio time, check out my book, The Power of When.

If you’re a Dolphin, here’s what you need to know…

Dolphins are the “wired and tired” types, the light and restless sleepers who wake so often during the night that their nighttime sleep may feel like a series of unsatisfying naps. Dolphins have a difficult time relaxing at night. Their minds are active, with often racing thoughts, and they feel physically keyed up—light years away from the mental and physical low gear that paves the way for sleep. During our collectively stressful coronavirus times, nights are likely to be particularly tense and agitated times for Dolphins.

There are biological reasons for all this nighttime agitation in Dolphins. Unlike other chronotypes, Dolphins’ blood pressure and cortisol levels rise in the evening, which leaves them in a state of physiological arousal at bedtime. Come morning, when other chronotypes are experiencing elevations to blood pressure and cortisol that are fueling their morning alertness, Dolphins’ levels are plummeting. It’s little wonder that symptoms of chronic insomnia—prolonged trouble falling and staying asleep, waking often, waking early, and feeling deeply fatigued throughout the day—are commonplace among Dolphins. Right now, Dolphins are likely to be having an extra tough time sleeping—and that’s making everything about the days that follow even harder.

The challenge: Reduce nighttime anxiety so they can achieve some truly restful, restorative sleep.

The solution: Give a gentle boost to morning energy, while setting a calmer, more meditative tone for the day and evening to come.

Under normal circumstances, ramping up morning energy levels is a way to increase Dolphin’s daytime productivity. In these topsy turvy Covid-19 days, maximizing productivity isn’t necessarily the right focus for everyone. That may be especially true for Dolphins, who are particularly vulnerable to the one-two punch of stress and sleeplessness. Feeling pressure to produce at one’s best can agitate both. If you’re feeling anxious and burdened by the pressure of life these days, let this morning energy boost be an extra gentle one, with a goal of feeling more relaxed and centered, rather than getting more done.

4 essential morning steps for Dolphins:

Get at least 5 minutes physical movement immediately after waking. The quicker you get moving and get your heart rate up, the sooner you’ll have your blood pressure and cortisol levels rising from their morning lows. If you’re up for a full 25-minute workout—a jog or a cycle—great. In the sunlight, all the better. But some jumping jacks or crunches right by your bed will do the trick, too.

Drink a big glass of water and eat a high protein breakfast. Dolphins are especially likely to be dehydrated in the morning. And a carb-heavy breakfast will send serotonin levels rising—which send cortisol levels down, the opposite of what you want.

Try a morning meditation. Mornings are a great time for Dolphins to brainstorm and be creative. While your mind is in this wandering state, and your alertness is off-peak, do some simple meditation. Right now, more than ever, Dolphins need to quiet and slow their minds. Don’t wait until nighttime to try to accomplish this. Begin the day meditatively and take breaks throughout the day to decompress. Another great time to meditate? In your post-workout morning shower.

Dolphins best times to…

Exercise: First thing in the morning, either a blast of cardio or something gentler. And again in the evening—make the nighttime exercise a mind-body one.

Take medication: The best time to take medication often depends on what medication you’re taking. See below for guidelines on the optimal times to take common medicines.

Nap: Dolphins should avoid napping, to help maintain a strong sleep drive for overnight rest.

Work out conflicts: Around 7 p.m. Dolphins are more relaxed after dinner, and in a frame of mind to listen to their quarantine-mates, whether spouses, roommates or children.

If you’re a Lion, here’s what you need to know…

Early chronotypes—the Lions of the world—are often the subject of some envy, for their industriousness and the seeming ease with which they stick to their routines. These are the eagle scouts and overachievers—not all, but many are Lions. They’re leaders and do-ers, focused take charge types. Lions tend to be good sleepers. They almost never have trouble turning in early, and with their cortisol levels rising and melatonin levels falling starting at about 3:30-4 a.m., they often wake before dawn and rarely, if ever, need an alarm. Lions do tend to keep a remarkably consistent sleep routine. Their tendency toward consistency and moderation in most things shows in their overall health picture: research shows morning types with early bedtimes have a lower risk for cardiovascular disease, less obesity, and may have lower risks for mental health disorders, including depression, anxiety and others.

This all sounds really good for navigating our current lockdown lives, right? Not so fast. Lions are struggling right now, too.

The challenge: Adapting to new and different stay-at-home routines.

Lions are great at setting routines. They’re not particularly good at changing them. Working from home, maybe caring for children at the same time, not getting out to the gym—these and other daily life changes are especially frustrating for Lions who relish their consistency and are probably having a tougher time than other chronotypes in adapting. The risk here is losing quality and quantity of sleep, via unchecked stress and a disrupted schedule.

The solution: Protect sleep and psychological well being by leaning into their early morning preferences for being productive.

2 ways for Lions to make their morning productivity soar, and feel more relaxed throughout the day:

 Lean into early morning alone time. Whether it’s 15 minutes or two hours, make the very most of the time that you have to yourself in the morning before the others in your home arise. This isn’t the ideal time to dive into something super task-oriented or productive (that’s coming), but rather to center yourself for the day. Have a quiet breakfast. Read a book. Lions like to plan. We’re all taking things day by day right now, but you can still use this time to set some plans for how to use the day.

Produce—something, anything—before noon. A lot of Lions are feeling pretty frustrated they can’t work at full throttle right now. That pent up, unmet need to be productive can have cascading effects on mood and sleep. Sometime between breakfast and lunch—ideally mid-morning, between 10-12, go to town on a project, whether it’s work, or cooking, or organizing. This will help Lions feel more in control, and less adrift. It will also take the pressure of the rest of the day, during which time Lions will be increasingly off-peak and will welcome the freedom to take it easy a little.

Lions best times to…

Exercise: If you can get out for a jog or a bike ride at dawn, great. You’ll get an energy boost that will see you through your morning, which is the key time for Lions.  Take some time for mind-body exercise in the morning—a few yoga stretches after your morning cardio—and again as part of a pre-bed wind down.

Take medication: The best time to take medication often depends on what medication you’re taking. See below for guidelines on the optimal times to take common medicines.

Nap: A post-lunch nap around 1:30 p.m. works ideally for Lions who are looking for some supplemental rest or a break from the daily hum of home life in quarantine. Here’s my guide to how to nap well, including how long naps should be.

Work out conflicts: Lions are straight up morning people. 9 a.m. isn’t everyone’s idea of a great time to hash out interpersonal conflicts, but this is when Lions will feel motivated and committed to fix problems.

If you’re a Bear, here’s what you need to know…

This is the most common chronotype. A majority of adults under age 65 are Bears. Bear bio time most closely follows the sun. Bears biologically start to kick into gear at dawn, and naturally begin to wind down at sunset. Because it’s the most common bio time, Bear bio time has a dominant influence over our broader social time. The classic 6:30 p.m. dinner time? That’s when Bears are ready for their evening meal. Your favorite 10 p.m. TV show? That’s exactly when Bears are ready to wind down for the night—but not quite ready for bed. To a large degree, all chronotypes are asked to live on Bear bio time, because that’s what society—with its Bear majority—has adopted as the norm.

Except…nothing is normal right now. In ordinary times, Bears face challenges. They’re very susceptible to social jet lag—losing sleep to a schedule that doesn’t give them enough time to get the sleep they need, every night. Bears are highly prone to under-sleeping during the workweek and seeking out make up sleep on the weekends. This see-sawing keeps circadian sleep-wake cycles perpetually out of sync. Bears have a hard time sticking to a consistent, daily exercise schedule. (They’re not wild about schedules in general.) And that contributes to both their sleep deprivation and to the extra weight that many Bears carry, especially around their midsection. And these are the challenges for ordinary life. What about now, when nothing is ordinary?

The challenge: Coping with the loss of social contact that comes with physical distancing and staying at home

The combination of social distancing and the disruption of social routines that cater to their daily rhythms is likely hitting many Bears hard, particularly after so many weeks. The stress and mood disruption that comes from this social upheaval can have a deeply negative impact on sleep, and daily functioning. In the case of Bears, oversleeping is as much a risk as insomnia or under-sleeping right now. (Here are some of the reasons sleeping too much is problematic for health.)

The solution: Maintaining meaningful social connections safely, while keeping a consistent daytime routine that combines exercise and healthful meals to avoid major carbo- and sugar-loading.

3 ways Bears can keep their sleep, mood, and weight on track:

Break exercise into several small sessions, before and after each meal. Start with some exercise first thing in the morning. Jump on a stationary bike. Take a brisk walk. Have sex. Get your blood flowing and your heart rate up. Plan to repeat quick exercise sessions before and after lunch and dinner. You’ll ramp up your metabolism, lower your appetite simultaneously. Bears will be at their athletic peak between 6-7 p.m.—that’s the time to do your most hard charging workout. Bears will miss the social aspects of athletics and the team sports that are on hold right now—get out for the run now anyway, and hop on a video chat with your running partners to catch up.

Follow a sliding scale of meals throughout the day. You’ve heard the saying, eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper? That’s an adage made for Bears—and right now it can make all the difference in how Bears sleep, how much energy you have throughout the day, and how well you manage to avoid gaining weight during social isolation and spending so much time at home. Start with a protein-rich breakfast, and make this the biggest meal of the day. Have a midsize meal at lunch and a light dinner. If you’re eyeballing portions, lunch should be half the size of breakfast and twice the size of dinner.

Bears who follow these routines, keeping themselves physically active and eating moderately and on a schedule, will sleep better, experience more stable, upbeat moods, and lower stress.

Maintain robust and regular social ties—even at a distance. Bears must feed their hankering for social connection All chronotypes need social connection, to a degree, but this bio type is feeling the strain of social isolation more than most. Whether it’s getting together over Zoom for dinner or virtual games with friends, or spending a few extra minutes on a work conference call catching up with co-workers, make a point to socialize daily amid physical distancing. Rally your family at home for game night or a puzzle project, whatever feeds the need for togetherness and community that Bears are hungry for right now.

Bears best times to….

Exercise: You’ve got this laid out for you above. Do some physical activity before and after each of your three daily meals. These don’t need to be hard-driving or long workouts. Twenty minutes of walking or jogging, yoga, some simple strength training exercises throughout the day gets you to a full hour of daily exercise.

Take medication: The best time to take medication often depends on what medication you’re taking. See below for guidelines on the optimal times to take common medicines.

Nap: A 2 p.m. nap is just right for Bears. Read my primer on how to nap well, and not disturb your nightly rest with a midday snooze.

Work out conflicts: At 5 p.m., Bears will be at their most agreeable, and inclined to sort through differences.

If you’re a Wolf, here’s what you need to know…

In some ways, the current social freeze and work-from-home migration may be easiest for Wolves—at least in terms of their sleep-wake routines and daily schedules. With their strong evening preferences, Wolves tend to struggle with society’s typical daily, standard routines. Things like work and school get going too early, and social fun ends too soon for these evening types. Wolves are at high risk for chronic social jet lag and insufficient sleep, with consequences for their mental and physical health. Research shows evening chronotypes are at greater risk for chronic diseases including cardiovascular illness and diabetes, as well as depression.

Working from home may offer some respite from the Wolf struggle to align with social routines that are at odds with their chronobiology. (To be clear, I’m not suggesting that any Wolves are happy about our current situation, only that they may be experiencing some flexibility in their daily routines that isn’t often present.)

Wolves have other natural advantages right now. They’re pretty adaptive types, able to pivot more quickly both mentally and in routines. They also tend to be less tightly tethered to in-person socializing. Wolves are awake a lot when others are asleep, like Lions at the other end of the spectrum. But Wolves also face potential hazards for their sleep and bio time.

The Wolf challenge: To avoid moving too far away from social time and into Wolf time

The key for Wolves in navigating successfully these shutdowns, work-from-home orders and social isolation? Not to let their Wolfish, night-loving preferences run too wild. Wolves right now are likely living with a different kind of flexibility in their work, school, and home life schedules. That can easily translate into a major shift toward being active and awake at night, and sleeping during the day.

(Parents, take note: nearly all teens and young adults are Wolves. All that nighttime hanging out they do—and the morning hours they sleep away—that’s all biologically driven by their chronobiology.)

Sooner or later, in some gradual way, life will change from its current set up. It may not look like life used to before the coronavirus, at least not for a while. But as society does start to open up, some standard routines and expectations will re-appear. And those will still conform to the middle-of-the-road chronobiology that dominates the population. Wolves, make no mistake: you’re going to be re-entering a world that runs on Bear time.

It’s probably tempting to indulge in the flexibility to stay up until 2 a.m. and sleep in. But there’s a better, sleep-friendlier way for Wolves to use this break from the social clock that’s so at odds with their bio time.

The Wolf solution: Move routines closer to the optimal ones for Wolves in the real world, through a grounded routine of mealtimes and exercise that starts soon after waking.

Instead of going overboard with a life lived in the evenings, Wolves of all ages can use this exceptional break in normalcy to establish the moderated routines that will keep them healthier, happier and more productive and deliver them more plentiful, restful sleep right now AND when life starts to return to “normal.” What does that kind of moderated routine look like for Wolves?

5 essential steps for Wolves to find a real-world schedule that really works:

Eat breakfast. (I mean eat breakfast in the morning, not as a substitute for lunch). Wolves don’t tend to wake up hungry. But starting the day with a protein-rich breakfast gives Wolves the energy supply you need to start functioning in the morning. Wait until late morning to have your first cup of coffee—that’s when it will do Wolves the most good, for stimulation and focusing.

Follow breakfast with some exercise, ideally in sunlight. If you’re up at 7:30 a.m.—a realistic, not-to-early rising time for Wolves right now—then you’re eating breakfast by 8:30, and working out sometime around 9 a.m. Some physical activity will increase the body’s cortisol and adrenaline, much needed alerting hormones for Wolves in the morning. And the sunlight will suppress Wolves late-to-decline melatonin production, which keeps you feeling foggy headed and tempted to crawl back in bed.

Eat a balanced lunch in the early afternoon. Wolves who skip breakfast tend to get ravenous in the late morning, and are likely to tear into whatever fatty, sugary, craving-reducing foods they can find. That high-glycemic eating undercuts the afternoon of productivity that lays ahead for Wolves, if they can keep their minds sharp and their energy up. Think of lunch in terms of threes: a meal of one-third carbohydrate, one-third protein, and one-third healthy fat.

Eat dinner on the late side, but not too late. 8-9 p.m. is ideal, and late enough to keep Wolves from doing too much prowling around the kitchen for pre-bed snacks. (Use the time before dinner to video or phone chat with friends—even lone Wolves need their social connection.)

Give yourself a full hour before lights out with no screens. Take a hot shower, read, relax. Every chronotype ought to have a Power Down Hour, but for Wolves this hour of mental and physiological de-stimulation is essential to shifting bedtime back from the 2 a.m. or later range. The optimal bedtime for an adult Wolf who’s getting up at 7:30 a.m.? Midnight.

Wolves best times to….

Exercise: Wolves will be at their athletic peak around 6 p.m. That’s the perfect time for a run. But a post-breakfast walk, and some unwinding, mind-body activity during the quiet hour before bed will reinforce a healthy schedule.

Take medication: The best time to take medication often depends on what medication you’re taking. See below for guidelines on the optimal times to take common medicines.

Nap: Wolves will do best to avoid naps, but if you can’t then a nap around 2:15 will have the least impact on nighttime wakefulness (that’s with a wake time of about 7:30 a.m.)

Work out conflicts: At 8 p.m., Wolves are hitting their best mood of the day. This is the ideal time to hash things out and make peace.

The best time to take medications

You should always consult your doctor before you make any changes to your existing medication routine. This is not medical advice, but it is information you can use as a conversation-starter with your physician at your next appointment.

Historically, advice about the dosing of medications has been rooted in convenience. Bedtime and first thing in the morning are easy times to schedule a routine dose of medication, so that’s what happened.

But these uniform directions don’t take into consideration the time of day when a medication can have the greatest effect in healing. Fortunately, scientific research is increasingly pinpointing the optimal times for dosing medication and other therapeutic treatments.

Best times to take common medications

Drug                                       Ideal dosing time

Antihistamines                                    evening

Aspirin                                                bedtime

ACE inhibitors and ARBs                  bedtime

Acid reflux drugs                                before breakfast

Beta-blockers                                      bedtime

Corticosteroids                                    afternoon, to help reduce overnight inflammation

Heartburn pills                                    after dinner

Multivitamin                                       after breakfast

NSAIDs                                              four hours before maximum pain

Osteoporosis drugs                             an hour before breakfast

Probiotics                                            with breakfast

Rheumatoid arthritis drugs                 bedtime

Statins                                                 bedtime

In our chronorhythms, we’ve each got a powerful set of biological cues just waiting to be used to help strengthen sleep, mood, immunity and health during these intense and unprecedented times.

Sweet Dreams,

Michael J. Breus, PhD, DABSM

The Sleep Doctor

www.thesleepdoctor.com

  The post How Your Chronotype Can Help in the Coronavirus Outbreak appeared first on Your Guide to Better Sleep.

from Your Guide to Better Sleep https://thesleepdoctor.com/2020/05/19/how-your-chronotype-can-help-in-the-coronavirus-outbreak/

from Elly Mackay - Feed https://www.ellymackay.com/2020/05/19/how-your-chronotype-can-help-in-the-coronavirus-outbreak/

[disappearingground]

Jenny Lewis - Ithaca Times

Ithaca Times November 5, 2014

Jenny Lewis on Homework from Ryan Adams, Rilo Kiley LPs and Arena Shows with The Postal Service

By Chris Hooker

“I’m not the same woman / That you are used to,” sings Jenny Lewis on “Head Underwater,” the opening track off her new record The Voyager. The song tackles a range of problems: depression, insomnia, self-worth, and a desire to change. It’s basically a checklist of why it took six years to come out with a new solo album.

Since the release of 2008’s Acid Tongue, Lewis has gone through quite a few changes. Her band, the beloved indie-pop outfit Rilo Kiley, broke up after four albums. Her father passed away. She released a collaborative record with boyfriend Jonathan Rice under the moniker “Jenny and Johnny,” and reunited with The Postal Service, a collaboration between Death Cab for Cutie’s Ben Gibbard and Jimmy Tamborello (a.k.a. Dntel), for the highly anticipated 10-year anniversary reunion stadium tour. With all of that in her rearview mirror, Lewis is hitting the road in support of The Voyager, and will be playing Ithaca’s State Theater this Saturday, Nov. 8.

The Ithaca Times caught up with Lewis in the midst of all this to talk about her new record, working with big-name producers, the return of The Postal Service, and the bringing back the music of Rilo Kiley.

Ithaca Times: Hey Jenny, I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me.

Jenny Lewis: Hey, how’s it going? Ithaca is fences. I remember seeing that the last time I was here. I was opening for Phoenix years ago.

IT: Do you mean Ithaca is ‘gorges’?

JL: No, I think it was a play on that. There was something going on with the student population there. I think it was almost like a suicide prevention thing. I remember seeing those signs and thinking, ‘What is going on here?’ Then someone explained it to me. This was a couple of years ago.*

IT: How have the shows been going so far?

JL: The shows have been great. I’ve been touring since May, and we’ve got over 100 shows down at this point. We’re starting to relax a little bit. I’ve got such a huge catalog of songs from all of the bands I’ve been in and records that I’ve made. We are kind of feeling out what works in this context. But the new record is the centerpiece.

IT: How has it been taking those new songs on the road? Any favorites or highlights yet?

JL: I am terrified of the title track for some reason. I have a mental block. I think it goes back to when I recorded it with (producer) Ryan Adams. I added in a very strange timing thing in the middle of the song that I inevitably fuck up every time I play it. So, we’ve only played “The Voyager” three times because I’m terrified of it. But I’m willing to get over my fear for this next tour. I’m going to play that shit.

IT: That’s my favorite song off the record. What do you have to do to make that one happen?

JL: Oh, cool! It’s just weird because when you write something when you are alone in your room and you bring it to someone, it’s definitely malleable, but the structure is hard to get away from. So we added this arbitrary five count, which is great. There is a count like that in (Oasis’s) “Wonderwall.” [Ryan] gave me an assignment, he said, ‘Go write a song that’s your version of “Wonderwall.”’ So that was his contribution, that weird five count in there. We will have to count through it.

IT: It’s been six years since your last solo record before The Voyager. What took so long?

JL: Some come quickly, some come slowly. This one just intercepted with my own life, and I needed to take a moment, get off road, and take inventory. It’s weird, sometimes you go into the studio and the song is done in one take. But other times, you need to revisit the song in order to find the right vibe.

IT: Any songs on this record that took a day, or on the other side, months to complete?

JL: Well “She’s Not Me” was recorded in a day; “Just One of the Guys” took five years. That’s sort of the range and everything in between. For the title track, Ryan gave me my homework assignment on a Friday and I showed up on a Monday in the studio.

IT: Given the time it took to complete and the work you put into it, do you feel this is your best solo album yet?

JL: No, I don’t. I think my first solo record, Rabbit Fur Coat, was the exact opposite. It was recorded in under two weeks, and it was very easy to make. It just sort of rolled off the tape. I don’t think process necessarily determines outcome.

IT: The Voyager is your first solo record to come out after the break-up of Rilo Kiley. Did that change your approach in making it now that you are solely a solo artist?

JL: I just write songs regardless. It’s not so much with the songwriting process, but with the production because I was no longer woven to my rock band. I could really explore any kind of sonic texture that I wanted to, or my producers wanted to. We weren’t limited to making a side project folk record.

IT: The new album has production from Adams, Beck, and Jonathan Rice. What was it like to work with all those voices in the studio?

JL: They all have very different ways of working. Jonathan and I have been writing and producing together for years, and that can be a good and bad thing. I was on my best behavior with Ryan and Beck. I love them so much, I was kind of star struck. It was great. I learned so much from everyone and took away a lot of philosophical ideas with regard to recording music.

IT: With a lot of the songs I get a ‘70s-era rock vibe. Is that something you intended on?

JL: I’m never trying to recreate something from the past, although I listen to a lot of records that were recorded in the ‘70s. Sometimes I just write from a certain timeframe without even realizing it. I don’t know. I think that Ryan brought a lot of that rock and soul into the record.

IT: Songs like “She’s Not Me” sound like something out of the Fleetwood Mac catalog. Do you welcome a comparison like that, or is it too easy?

JL: I think a lot of people are compared to Fleetwood Mac now. It’s a great comparison. They were true pop song crafters. I am of course a huge fan. I absolutely love Stevie Nicks. I love those songs. So if being compared to great songwriters is the case, I welcome it.

IT: What has this last year been like for you with the new record coming out and The Postal Service reunion tour?

JL: It’s been varied. It requires a different set of skills to be a support person in The Postal Service. A side character, which I absolutely loved. It was the hardest and easiest job I ever had. With my own thing, it’s very different. They are my words, so I am out there speaking to something that is very personal. It’s taken me a second to find myself as a front-person again. With all the shows we do, I discover something new about the performance. It’s a learning curve, and I’m in the middle of it.

IT: Those Postal Service shows must have been incredible.

JL: Yeah, they were amazing. It was like one of those dreams that you have, but you are not naked in front of your classroom, you are standing in front of 15,000 people at Barclays Center. It was just, “How the hell did I get here?”

IT: Have you played venues that large before?

JL: Hell no, and I don’t know if I ever will again. So I’m trying to keep a snapshot of it in my mind. But strangely, during those shows, I was more comfortable than playing a very intimate, small show. We played our last show in Chicago at a very famous small venue called The Metro, and that somehow was harder for me than playing to 15,000 people.

IT: Why was that?

JL: There is a certain effect when you can’t see the crowd. It feels like performance, where as the next show, people are right up on your pedalboard and you can see their reaction and you can make eye contact. That can be a little scarier than looking out at a bunch of cell phones glowing in the distance.

IT: People must have just been pumped to be there. I remember those tickets sold out in minutes.

JL: People were ecstatic and so were we. We opened the set with “The District Sleeps Alone Tonight,” and even talking about it now, I have chills. Every single night was an amazing feeling to hear those opening notes and the reaction from the crowd.

IT: How much of a hand did you have in writing (The Postal Service’s only album) Give Up?

JL: Zero. I wrote not a note on the record.

IT: But was there something about that record that influenced you? It seems like the sound of Rilo Kiley changed so much in between The Execution of All Things and More Adventurous, and that was when Give Up was released.

JL: I don’t think so. I was a singer and a player in The Postal Service at that time. Everyone was influenced by that record when it came out. Those electronic sounds had yet to be explored in indie rock, so I think everyone was unconsciously referencing that record. I just identified as a rock band. From the beginning to the end, regardless of the change of some of the textures on the record.

IT: So was that a decision you made, to be a more polished rock band in between the releases of the second and third Rilo Kiley albums?

JL: I don’t think the word ‘polished’ was a word we would use, but I think it was the ability to work in nicer studios with nicer equipment. We went from making records in our living rooms and garages to working in legit studios with producers. We wanted to grow, and we were very eager to expand on every level.

IT: You are still playing some Rilo Kiley stuff on your solo tours. Why have you picked the songs you picked?

JL: I picked my favorites. My favorite songs. Some of them didn’t work when we were rehearsing. They felt too sad when we were playing them without the band. I didn’t want to recreate exactly what we were doing. These were our songs with the band and my songs as well. Having freedom to interpret them in different ways really worked. When you are in a band, everyone chooses the setlist. It was what everyone wanted to play, so my goal was to go through the back catalogue and choose songs that resonated with me emotionally.

IT: When you look back at the music you put out with Rilo Kiley, what sticks out for you?

JL: I think all of our records have some real heart and soul in them. They are a document of my life and observations lyrically. It’s hard to choose one. They represent such a finite amount of time. The songs I pull the most are the ones from The Execution of All Things and Under the Blacklight. More Adventurous, I’m having a harder time tackling those live, but I am still trying to figure out how to do that.

IT: Why’s that?

JL: They are so orchestrated in a way. The arrangements are so big that it’s hard to reinterpret some of them. But it is still relatively new for me.

IT: What does it mean to you to have been a part of a band like Rilo Kiley that is just so beloved by so many people?

JL: It’s amazing. You don’t see that when you are in the middle of something. You can feel it, we felt the love from our fans at our shows. But I don’t think you understand the depth of your experience and your songs in the moment. I’m so thrilled, and it’s a real privilege to revisit some of the songs.

IT: Thanks again, Jenny.

JL: See you in Ithaca.

#album: the voyager #year: 2014 #song: the voyager #mention: rilo kiley #mention: performing #mention: the postal service #person: ryan adams

[gallaghercest]

2nd post - Reinauguration + Psychological (philosophical) analysis #1

Hello! Yeah, guess what: I'm back.

I confess I kind of lost the interest on this account but then I came back because of the reasons (hi, Matilda!). And as you've probably noticed, yeah: the best username of this social media is taken, by me. In case you're not remembering: this account used to be "gcestlavie". But then, three weeks ago, I wondered it the username Gallaghercest was taken, and it wasn't! So I quickly changed my username, and here it is!

Well, I thought that the best way of inaugurating this account again was to post something that wasn't linked to the previous post, but something different, just like a "warm-up". So, I decided to post a conversation I had with my friend, María, on Tuesday (03.28): it actually started with us talking about If We Shadows, but I'm saving this part of the convo for the upcoming post about If We Shadows, so I'll start this post with the moment where she said to me:

"Back in the 90s I think Noel's feelings were stronger than Liam's And it changed throughout time you know"

And this message, believe me or not, triggered an epic debate about their roles and feelings on their relationship. Both of us loved doing it and exposing our opinions, so I hope you guys like it as much as we did! And I'd like to thank María too, simply because she is an intellectual and a fucking genius — discussing about the Gallaghers with her is one of the best things ever, because with her, I can take anything to a philosophical level, so, thank you, honey!

The conversation is separated by quotation marks, starting on María. To read the full conversation, click under the cut below!

Disclaimer: this is a conversation that me and my friend had, based in other conversations I had with a lot of friends and months of analysis, suffering, nights of insomnia and tears. Don’t know if everything is veridical, but at least, it’s a way that I found to “light” up our way and try to find some proper fucking answers to this stuff.

"Back in the 90s I think Noel's feelings were stronger than Liam's And it changed throughout time, you know"

"REALLYBBBBBBBBBBb?????????"

"Yeah cause Liam was a young wee drugged up boy

And Noel an almost 30 year old man who liked to dig into his feelings and write songs about them aldjdjsks"

"Now that you said… I'm thinking and I agree in the sense of

Liam being more vulnerable towards their relationship, maybe I could even use the word 'afraid' here but not with the generic meaning of it — but with the meaning of… hm… do you know when you have this thing in your life that you have to solve, but you don't know how to do it, so you even dislike and avoid to think of its solution because it will only make yourself paranoid and bad?

So.

Liam was 'afraid' of it in this way: he knew that there would be a point of their lives where they would need to get it together, but he didn't want to think of that, he just wanted to live the moment and be happy in that time.

Otherwise, Noel was the one who thought about these solutions — not because he liked it, but because, as you said, he was older and more mature, and as you said, he wanted to keep it real as much as Liam wanted, but Noel knew he was the one who could bring up a way to do it: something Liam thought himself wasn't able of.

And the wives thing might have influenced it just a little, you know — maybe Liam thought that marrying Patsy would give him/Noel more time just to make things right (now that I realised what I did… could be this line be a reference to Liam? We will never know), but in Noel's eyes, this was only making things more complicated and worse. So maybe Noel disliked Patsy not only because she was Liam's wife, but because she was a waste of time to his relationship with Liam as well.

However, now that I'm thinking of the thing you said 'it changed throughout the time', maybe that's why Noel got so bitter over Liam over the years and is until nowadays, because when Noel was at the peak of his passion, when he felt Liam with every atom of his body, Liam somehow didn't show the same, only because he didn't know how to manage the situation and his feelings — not because he didn't feel the same, or at least something very similar to it. Noel might think today that Liam had to LOST him completely to realised these feelings I mentioned above, so maybe that's why Noel was so mad at it, because in his mind, Liam didn't give him the value he thought his love deserved."

"The first point you exposed, about Liam avoiding possible solutions cause they were a headache: I agree.

He isn't like the summum of responsibility, he's like: let's live the moment mad fer it etc etc and doesn't think about the consequences; and Noel is your hypochondriac best friend. But about that being the problem which made Noel get away from Liam, I agree just partly Because I think there was a point when Noel's solution for everything became ending it.

First cause Liam wasn't responsible.

And second cause Liam was too obsessed with him […]"

"I agree with you! I think that what I said (Liam not giving Noel value) is just a part of it too; the tip of the iceberg.

I think that the "hypochondriac" term is pretty much accurate because meanwhile Liam wasn't too worried, Noel was always thinking of it and forcing himself to find a way, even when they hadn't one, he kept himself saying 'I need a solution I need a solution' even though he couldn't think of it at that time.

Now that I thought, I think that maybe the love Noel felt for Liam was a reason for Liam to be 'afraid' — again, not in the generic sense, but in that other one. — He felt Noel felt a love for him that was a love to life, his lifetime. And as you said, Liam was irresponsible, young, he didn't want to carry the weight of a responsibility like this one: the responsibility of being the love of someone's life. Being the love of his brother's life."

Later on, we started to talk about the opinion of a friend of hers on a fanfic María wrote (it's pretty famous, you probably already know it, it's called Potencial, posted on AO3. If you haven't read it yet, GO ON and ruin your life!). Here is the excerpt:

"[…] She disliked Liam because she thought he acted like a little child hiding his insecurities from Noel. And that gave me a whole new point of view on the story/real life/etc.

She said that while Noel put all his heart in what he did and was so careful not to fuck it up,

Liam acted all the way around.

He would want Noel to be with him but when he had to face the real important parts of the relationship (sex, incest, hiding it from people) he got scared and cried.

And he blamed Noel for things being difficult and did not appreciate the struggles he made to make it all work properly."

So, that's it! It's long, yeah, but anyway, if you read until here, thank you so much, I hope you enjoyed it! If you want to send an ask or tell your thoughts / opinion on this topic, feel free, I'd love to hear you! Again, thank you, hit the like button if you want to and reblog if you don't mind to have incest on your blog. Bye bye, see you later!

#gcestlavie #gallaghercest #gcest #liam gallagher #noel gallagher #oasis #conversation #analysis #psychological analysis #early years #pre oasis

[helmholtzresonance]

Oh but what is this? you might ask. Is it an analysis? A liveblog? Shared thoughts? A ~ 9.400 words essay? (Really, I have no sense of measure.) Because you have a bad memory, a way to remember important bits? Rambles? All? None? Well. Idk either. Enjoy! (Expect long-ass quotes, tho. And believe me when I say long-ass quotes.)

Btw, don’t read unless you listened to all the 8 episodes + 6 minisodes available. Just. Nope. Shoo.

I love The Bridge Podcast so much. Here’s a link to my favorite quotes.

Episode 1:

We are first greeted by the voice of the Welcome Brigade, which Etta hates. She is so happy that it shuts up. The Watchtower has the newest and most functional devices, I see.

“The distinction between lived-in and deserted - where whispers on the wind can carry welcomes or warnings - seems to be a pretty common theme out here. When night sets in, you can’t tell if that ship on the horizon harbors a single living soul - or if the silver glint bouncing off of its sails is more than just moonlight.“

Like how cool is this?? And the delivery of the lines is flawless ;3

Frank is their audience? Is he someone from their watchtower? From another one?  He’s from land, ok.

The Transcontinental Hotel was a success story for exactly 10 years. Then… something happened and nobody knows what for sure. Objects that may or may not belonged to the guests resurfaced, but the staff of the hotel left no trace. The daughter of the concierge may have escaped. Though the possibilities are grim.

The word “Return” has been carved on a wall in the ruins of the hotel. Or is it there as a warning? That what went down in there will happen again? A threat of the sea…  just a way to tell everyone to return to shore, to leave the transcontinental bridge forever? Or a threat for the sea?

People say they hear the concierge’s daughter cries in the middle of the night in the remains of the hotel, but people say those kind of things all the time. Nothing to worry. Right?

“So, that’s all I’ve got for you. Twelve broken windows, one word, and one nine-year-old girl.” We have initials for her: H.P. And Etta implies that she might have a connection to the word “return” appearing around other strange events around the bridge.

When I first listened to the episode, a while back, at 3AM (insomnia. why.) I wrote “We have Doug Eiffel on a bridge in the middle of the Atlantic. And Minkowski is there too”. (And I meant it with all the love, I listen to Wolf 359 and I’d die for Minkowski. My only fault is that I was a bit mislead by the voice acting – that “oh so guilty” voice that Etta and Doug display.) But they detach from them until the end of the episode, they become Etta and Roger.

We also have a dose of humor. You gotta love these 2:

ROGER:  Do I need to get you to read your job description again? ETTA (hastily) No, no. Once a week is really enough.

ROGER: You see that piece of paper on your desk? ETTA: Uhhh there are lots of pieces of paper on my— ROGER: The one to the left of the microphone. (exasperated) You folded it into a swan on your first day. ETTA: My job description?

And then it hits us again with:

“Well, it looks like there’s nothing happening on the Transcontinental Bridge because there’s no one on the road tonight. Or ever. It’s funny really. This thing has only been open for fifty years, and it’s already falling apart. People put all kinds of time and resources into building this thing and then they just toss it aside when they get bored. I mean, come on, this bridge spans the entire Atlantic Ocean! How cool is that?”

“How cool is that??” Indeed, Etta.

Then she invents the story about the car and the tentacle monster. And Roger might want to commit murder.

Then Roger sees something out the window, in the water, (plus a nice interference on the side) and demands to know what Etta did now. It’s not her. What member of the staff is not around? Bertie. Now they worry it’s him. But he calls is and demands to know about the chocolate. He had to go to Submare Level 3 to make sure that Bob is ok. (Bob’s a cutie.) Now Etta, Kate and Roger will go there to deal with the problem and /or offer moral support.

Did her mother drug her that night? Oh no. no. no. no. no. Etta. God. Etta that’s it I’m adopting you. My child.

I hate myself for not expecting the concierge to be a woman; I’m under the influence of another podcast concierge.

Episode 2:

“If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then perhaps you can dig up a recording of our last episode. There has to be one floating around out there, somewhere. But, if not, then my words, and the meaning behind them, become one more thing eroded away by time. “

This is a fairytale. It’s nostalgic and far away and yet so close. You are isolated, your voice goes to the void (that includes Frank) and… you say the words just to say them, they lose meaning, purpose, form, hope. You tell a story to get it out of you mainly, if it reaches somebody… it’s the second part.

“And you know that’s not why they built this thing. Nobody’s going to invest millions of dollars in a trans-continental game changer just so you can lend France a cup of sugar. But it’s romantic, isn’t it? Connection. It’s a nice idea, I guess: that you could drop everything one day and go, meet people you may have never known otherwise. But, as always, there’s a catch. If you want to meet those people, you have to cross one of the loneliest places in this world. You have to dance into the reach of the loneliest living things.”

“And no, Frank. I’m not talking about you.” Ouch. But what did he do??

CONNECTION. We are between people, but we are alone. It’s not like that, though. Not always. We have to get through the deepest and loneliest valleys of our soul to get to them. We need others in our lives, people that truly care about us. We need to know that we belong, or, if we traverse a metaphorical transcontinental bridge, we will belong.

“Sometimes I think I know what it means to live out here. But if you’re out on the Bridge tonight, imagine the spot you’re in without you in it. Imagine that there’s nothing where you’re standing but ocean. And imagine that’s the way you want it. Can you do that? Reach deep down, into that part of yourself you only seem to feel when you’re alone. The part that wonders if that solitude will last forever. The part that hungers for that. Look where you’re standing right now, and imagine there’s nothing: just you and that feeling. And then imagine someone changes that without asking you. If you’re imagining right, I think you know that there’s no language we could possibly share with the things that live out here. They’re smart, though. They don’t need a language to share. They’ve learned ours.”

That is a great way to pinpoint that progress invades, always and always invades: ideologies, space, lives.

Then we hear Lemaire’s story and we learn about the Mockingbirds. Are they real? Are they just figments of imagination? Who knows? Some ignore them, thinking it’s a lure of the ocean. A way to reclaim a space? To RETURN to what was before the bridge? Or, as Etta claims, they seek CONNECTION. You are alone, in the middle of nowhere, with nobody that wants to/can find you.

Now they have to prepare for the storm and they have to “climb up there and make sure [their] giant flashlight doesn’t break?”. And if they fall, they die. Nice encouragement, Roger Oh Great One.

“There’s a big difference between liking a good ghost story and being fearless.”

And they hear Mockingbirds. It starts as “a creepy laugh track following us around”, then Etta hears her mother, Kate her cousin, Bertie… we don’t know (though my bet is on his fiancée). They mess with what you want to hear. People you love and you cannot find anymore. People you feel dor for. 

The mysterious voices are afraid that our friends won’t recognize their forms. And this is a fundamental state, isn’t it? People change and they don’t seem to recognize their old selves. Roger puts it well in the next episode.

ETTA’S MOTHER:  Will you know who I am…. when we meet again?

KATE’S COUSIN: You won’t be able to save them all. It’s almost here. […] The moment where you’ll have to choose. Who will you allow to live? Who will you fail to save?

Etta wants to talk about the voices. Bertie and Roger leave; Kate speaks a little and leaves too. Poor Etta. I love you. I love you all, clearly nobody stays on this godforsaken bridge for kicks. You all want something, don’t you? CONNECTION.

Episode 3:

Roger is staring at the water. In the middle of a storm. Wonder why it feels familiar? (Flashback to me staying on a balcony in the middle of a thunder storm when I was 8 until my mom yelled at me & pulled me back inside. I also live next to a lake so there was water everywhere.) No idea.

“PEOPLE OPENLY SUPPORTING ELABORATE INITIATIVES, DOOMED OR NOT” .It’s “like if Hannibal Lecter suddenly wanted to save the rainforest”. Figures.

Oooh so Frank told her that she’s not objective and that’s a reason why she hates him? Maybe. But still.. Hmm.

“Every living being has a right to exist. But I imagine you agree with that already, don’t you? It’s not a radical idea. Most people don’t need convincing. There are some, I think, that will never be convinced - but I made up my mind a long time ago not to waste my breath trying. I’m not here for them. I’m here for you […] who’s nodding to what I’m saying, but who isn’t quite sure what you can do about it. Let me ask you something. Is existence enough? […] Even on your most commonplace days, your experiences have depth, texture, don’t they? You don’t just exist on this planet. You live. The inhabitants of this ocean used to have more than existence. They used to have the waves and the silence, the clear water, the open sky. They had their structures, their language, their society. They lived. Before the Bridge. And before us. As human beings, we have the luxury of couching our actions however we like. Expansion. Manifest destiny.“Connection.” Try to imagine, if you can. Close your eyes. I’ll wait. Picture your home and all your favorite things inside it. All the things those walls hear, all those little exchanges with the people who love you. A place filled with your fingerprints and your sounds. Your life. Now imagine that one day, you come home from work and find someone has moved upstairs. And they tell you it’s fine: they wanted that room, and you’ve never used it anyway. But little by little, they start inching into the rest of the house. Tearing down your pictures, staining your walls, breaking those favorite things of yours. Before long, your entire world is polluted by them. Their fingerprints. Their sounds. Their garbage. I can think of a few choice words for what’s been done to this beautiful place. ‘Connection’ isn’t one of them. I’m not here today to paralyze you with guilt, you in the back of the room. This isn’t a lecture. This is a call for aid. A plea to address a desperate situation before there’s nothing left to address. I am standing here today begging you to protect life, no matter what form it takes. Because as human beings, we have the luxury of defending our property. Our existences. Our lives. Well. As they say. Turnabout is fair play.”

In which you can see that I have no sense of measure and I’m in love with this paragraph. This one might be my favorite part of the podcast. Can I marry a piece of writing? I’ll try. But it explains well that humans invaded the surface of the ocean and, along with it, the whole thing.

Bertie wants them to go to Submare 3. Etta wants to bring along Kate so. Y’know. Safety reasons.

Kate searches something. For someone else. She thinks she found it, but she didn’t. Something about protecting those in danger from threats that must be *Dalek voice* Exterminated! Exterminated!

If that doesn’t sound like genocide I don’t know what does. (Now we know that there are factions that want Bob & his kind dead.)

Bob is afraid of storms :( (Bob’s a cutie.) Bertie wants to protect his flowers. Etta wants to be literally anywhere else. They question what Kate was doing in the archives. Bertie never heard of the phrase curiosity killed the cat.

I’m sorry that you’re trying to have an existential crisis in a middle of a storm, Roger. I love you, you grumpy mysterious fella. Who is he talking to? I mean yes, he’s talking to himself, but who is he imagining? We don’t know who was that person. Lover? Family? Friend? The person who played with him that night? All? None? A random mockingbird? A certain mockingbird?

“…where did you go, exactly, when you left? I looked for you, you know. For a long time […] every time I got close you slipped away. […] I couldn’t stop you. […] I’ll tell you where it leaves me — in the middle of the freaking ocean. I’m not even supposed to be here! I found a solid lead, someone who knew where you were… and then I… I lost it. I lost everything. […] Would you even recognize me? Things change over time, but I might’ve changed too much. There are days – most days, actually – where I don’t recognize myself. So how would you? I’m responsible for this watchtower. For everything – everyone – in it. But I can’t hide the truth from the others for much longer. Things have been happening at other watchtowers. Certain assets have gone missing. People have died . And when we get hit – because it’ll happen, I can just feel it – I won’t be able to keep everyone alive. They could die. And… and the ones who live… will they be able to forgive me? For… for choosing them over their friends? You couldn’t. So why should they?”

First of all: God, the angst. Second of all: I am truly afraid Roger is immortal. The bridge opens. The hotels and casinos open. Roger goes to one of them, wins the game, receives immortality as a reward and curse. Years pass. He knows that he can’t leave the bridge because. Well. That minisode explains it well.

“There are lots of rumors about what the winner really gets — or rather, what price they had to pay for it.

Most people are sure of three things:

1) If you play the game and lose, your memories will be erased. Everything you’ve ever experienced - everything that makes you who you are. Gone. Just… gone.

2) If you win, you live forever. But you can’t leave the Bridge.

3) If you win and leave the Bridge, you’ll remain immortal - but all of your memories will be erased.

Everyone who plays knows these rules. And yet, they make the choice to try anyway.”

Of course he could leave the bridge. But would you risk it?

My theory goes like this: Roger is older than he looks/sounds. I can’t brush off the feeling that he’s older than the bridge itself. So maybe this person is dead now. I know he says that he’s been at Watchtower 10 for 5 years, but we don’t know for how long he’s been around the bridge.

Of course that my theory might be completely off, but. Eh.

OOOoh a crash! That’s not nothing!! Etta go!!

Roger jumps to conclusions too fast. This time it’s real.

ETTA: Roger. I’m going to say this as slowly as I can. Look. Out. The. Window. There. Is. An. Accident. People. Need. Our. Help. Did you spend so much time looking out at the water that you forgot about the massive intercontinental highway behind you?

Aaaand we meet Nora and Percy, who supposedly crashed their car after they saw a ghost and now need shelter.

“Angst-ridden misfits” I love you Alex Brown and Rebecca Mahoney.

Kate disappears into the void archives probably. Bertie and Roger check on Bob. Etta tries to give Nora and Percy a tour. They are… umm… shady: “We were brought here for a reason. I guess you could say we have a… connection to this place.” Did I mention they’re shady? “They’ll be expecting us to make contact soon.” “Then we shouldn’t disappoint.”

Episode 4:

I love that they tackle certain concepts that I would have explained otherwise: stories, water. It’s making my job easier here:

“What is a story, exactly? A lesson? An escape? A warning? Perhaps it’s a light that shines through an endless expanse of darkness. A beacon of hope in times of need. Or, it could be exactly what it sounds like: something that’s told purely for entertainment. Meant to run you through a gamut of emotions, to connect with someone else’s experiences. Stories are empathy. A tool to share sadness, fear, joy, envy. A tool of connection. But then again, sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes they’re the most dangerous kind of lie.”

“Stories can be any number of things. […] A tool of connection. And they can be a weapon. A wildfire, a quake that shifts the landscape of the earth. Hope, you see, is a dangerous thing to promise.”

“The sea has power. We’ve always felt that, haven’t we? There’s a reason you see so many stories with water as a conduit. Between worlds, and between lives. Even across death.”

They also tell the story of Payne Manor.

Bertie is a cutie. Give Roger flowers! 

They are playing a game every year. And it consists in making Roger laugh. Omg.

Etta is the folklore lover and the disbeliever in Nora and Percy and this is exactly the way through this.

They’re searching for Bob?? (Bob’s a cutie) And somebody else. (Now we know that’s Etta.)

“THE DOOR OPENS AS ETTA HURRIES IN, SITS NEXT TO THE PIANO.Yes, there’s a piano here. I don’t know why.” I love the script.

“The last Bridge Travel Agent, she— “ Died? Roger you grumpy mysterious cryptic… ugh.

Let’s see how Yvette goes. Music. A full meal. No music. A knock on the door. A woman. A fight. Yvette goes poof.

“Is there something you wanted, Frank? Or did you just call in to revisit my childhood trauma?”

At least he tells her about the “2 new co-hosts”. He was useful for once, I presume.

Minisode 1:

Aqua Land managed to operate without incident for five whole years. I know, I know. I’m just as shocked as you are.

So it closed because of a creature with eyes “filled with blood. Thick liquid pools in thecorners of its eyes before it trickles down the creature’s face. It sobs, holding a hand out toward you. And that’s when you realize something else. That song you heard - the music you adored – it was the creature’s sobs. And it’s about to begin crying again.”

“But what do you when you’re told something so outlandish that it doesn’t seem possible? Or, even better: what do you do when you witness something you know no one else will believe? I’m afraid I don’t have an answer to either of those questions. But it does make me wonder about what’s out there. And what it might cost to discover it.” Etta, you’re asking the right questions. I love you.

Episode 5:

“Tell me… have you ever [had] to fear… for the safety of your home? Have you ever… had [cause to] believe it would be taken from you? [Because] I have. And believe me… [when I say] it’s the purest terror I’ve ever known. You… [don’t have to] agree with me. You can think [to yourself] that these creatures are not like you and me. That they don’t [feel] pain, or sorrow, that they don’t have [loved ones] to protect. You can [walk away] convinced you’re in the right. I [won’t] stop you. Just remember this. Whether through inaction, or indifference, that blood is on your hands. Don’t ever think that no one will notice.”

God that was terrifyingly awesome. So the mysterious voice wants to protect the sea creatures.

Etta was “Testing out the age-old technique of trying to break something instead of fix it”. Which always works with the stuff around my house, including my TV and my smartphone. Anyway.

KATE: (hastily) There has to be a way to turn this off. ROGER: What the hell is that? It sounded like Etta not doing her job. Am I wrong? KATE: (muttering) It wouldn’t be the first time. ROGER: What was that? KATE: It wouldn’t be the first time you were wrong— sir! ROGER: Just…just get that thing fixed.

Roger announced that they have visitors just “in case”. Kate knows there’s something shady about them. Good.

Bertie’s on to something: “There are still fifteen watchtowers in use. How’d you run across so much static?” “Then how do you hear those stories? Any signals we have access to are exclusive to —“

Frank leaked her transmissions. I’d hit him too.

We hear from Yvette again.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Listen. Here’s the truth of it. Everyone who once owned this house is now gone. The spirits of the unquiet dead were never here. Lights off. No one’s home. But they don’t tell the story of Payne Manor just to pass the time. It’s comfort. It’s stability. It’s wrapping uncertainty in a neat little package for consumption. It means that when you see a flutter at the curtains, or a figure in a doorway, you don’t wonder who it is, do you? You think you already know.

YVETTE:… it is a nice little story, isn’t it.

Roger questions Etta, but she really said nothing about Bob (Bob’s a cutie.)

Oh nno nononono non no onon not her story nno. … Yes. Poor Etta.

Never trust someone named Nora. Trust me on that: “Awww isn’t that just heartbreaking. A little girl, lost, alone, abandoned. And by someone who was supposed to love her.” Nora’s in her broadcasting room .

They have Bertie and Kate. :(

So Frank doesn’t believe Etta’s stories and fact-checks them! But that’s why she hates him? Hmm. Plus Percy’s not exactly smooth.

So they want to free their “big scary monster”, their “majestic creatures locked up all the time”. I hate them.

Minisode 2:

“All we need is your dedication, creativity, loyalty, and time! (menacing aside again) We value success above anything else. Failure is not an option. […] The town of Ocean View, as well as our kind sponsors, will not be held liable for any accidents, injuries, dismemberments, or deaths that occur. […] As always, safety is our top priority, but discretion is a close second. We ask that you refrain from sharing the contents of this message with anyone else.”

An utopia that ends up being a dystopia. Did not see that coming never heard of something like this. What were they thinking when they built the bridge?

The locals have to convince people to move in and must never speak of the happenings around them. Cool.

Episode 6:

Uuuuu unexpected spoilers.

BOLLARD is their contact at Headquarters.

They’re not against killing. Good to know. I mean not good, just… good to know what to expect.

BOLLARD: You’ve taken two people hostage ! And now you’re about to play Home Alone with the rest of their crew.

They request backup. Etta & comp are screwed.

“Life’s not fair, is it? Make it back with both of your assigned assets, and you can consider yourselves forgiven.” Phew. Now they stand a chance.

The best description of the next segment is “THE WIND BLOWS, AS IF TO FURTHER EMPHASIZE THE POINT. FRANK IS ALONE. COMPLETELY ALONE. ON A HAUNTED-ASS BRIDGE.” “Frank, he hasn’t died… yet.”

ROGER: You know exactly what it means. You sent out sensitive information and now they’re here looking for something that, for all intents and purposes, shouldn’t exist! No one outside of this Watchtower should know about the monster! ETTA (You’re kidding, right? No? You’re not kidding?) Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe , this isn’t my fault? What if they’ve been running this same scheme for a while? Have things gone wrong at other watchtowers? Or are we the exception? ROGER (aw, shit — change the subject!) Look, I think we should just— 

Roger you cryptic grumpy little man!!

ETTA: (about as close to imitating Bob’s growl as she could be) NO! No, you don’t get to say anything anymore. You knew something was going wrong everywhere else and you didn’t tell us? We could’ve stopped this before it started!

Drag him Etta.

Oooooooh Bertie yeah! “Nah. I’m pretty sure the only joke here is you.”

BERTIE: How can someone be so confident and so… KATE: Oblivious? The confident ones usually are. His friend, though — Nora, if that’s her real name — she’s the one we need to watch out for.

Frank, who put you to hunt? “The target has made contact with me. There were a lot of claws. More than I expected. I might be bleeding.”

Macbeth? I saw a post around. You’re doomed. And boots and dummies appear randomly? You really are doomed, aren’t ya?

Kate has her priorities straight:

BERTIE: (uncertain) That doesn’t involve us killing him — right? KATE: Nah. Too much paperwork. ETTA: Not to mention the whole murder thing is bad. KATE: I mean yeah, there’s that.

They split up and keep Etta and Bob separated.

Frank. I’m not telling you to run. But I’m telling you to run.

“Persnickety Pete . He might look like one of those normal, boring ventriloquist dummies, but you’ll find that he’s quite different. In a good way! From taxes to taxidermy, Persnickety Pete always has an opinion on the things that matter most to you. Be careful how you react to his answers, though! He isn’t called Persnickety Pete for nothing! (darkly) Remember: Be kind to Pete, and he’ll be kind to you! Be rude to him and… there’s nothing we can do.”

Creepy pianos again. Is this by any chance near Payne Manor?

ETTA: And work on your delivery. My listeners expect a certain quality— God Etta he’s sending a distress call!!

Bertie calls in for help, Frank fumbles for the radio and then… nothing.

When you’re ready to die, you think of loved ones, right?

“The people who built [the Transcontinental Botanical Gardens] didn’t want living organisms with needs, they just wanted something that would look pretty and make them money. And they succeeded in one respect, at least. The Gardens were beautiful. But looking beautiful doesn’t keep you safe in this world. The Gardens fell into slow, agonizing disrepair. The last straw was when the structure’s severe weather protections failed, killing three visitors during a sudden storm. That was more than enough for the Travel Agency. They locked down the building. They closed the access road. And all of the plants died.”

BERTIE sounds more than a little perturbed at the idea. But at least for a second, he’s thinking about the death of the Botanical Gardens, rather than considering his own potential and imminent death.”

Bertie’s a cutie.

“There was one person willing to slip under the fence and walk the battered access road to what remained of the Gardens. He had been a frequent visitor, once. He had even traveled there with his fiancée to celebrate their engagement. It was the last trip they would ever take. She was ripped into the sea on the Gardens’ last day of operation. But despite the bad memories that remained in the ruin, this man never forgot all the love he once had for the place. He rarely visited his fiancée’s empty grave on the mainland. But he traveled once a year to the Gardens, with a small bouquet of primrose. The man and his lost love used to write letters to one another using only flowers. She would know that primrose meant “eternal love.”

God no I’m not crying.

“Which is why when the man saw a single lotus flower pushing out of the soil, none of the logical explanations for its presence crossed his mind. All he could think was that lotuses are often a symbol of ‘rebirth.’ […] Anyway… the man started what he considered to be a ‘correspondence’ with his lost fiancée. Because every time he came back to the Gardens, he found more and more life, almost hidden in the ruins, pushing up from the ground. And to him, it always meant something. Wormwood for absence and sorrow. Heliotrope for devotion. A snowdrop for hope. This was his favorite. He felt more hope than he had in years. And this was around the time his friends and family became concerned about him. He was spending more and more time on The Bridge, and he was holding even tighter to the memory of his fiancée, just when it looked like he’d begun to let her go. Even when he told them the whole story, it only made them more concerned. I mean, no offense, but these were people who wouldn’t have been able to tell a willow from a cypress. They didn’t understand how flowers could translate into declarations of love after death. This went on for months. Eventually, the hope the flowers once gave him wasn’t enough. And one night, as he looked for her message in the Gardens, he called out to her. “I can’t take this anymore,” he said. “I want to see you. How can I see you?” And when he looked around, he saw a little flower, barely visible, under a fallen tree trunk. An ox-eye daisy. A flower neither of them had used in their messages before, but he knew it all the same. ‘Patience.’ He lifted the trunk. And he found dozens of them. Rows upon rows of ox-eye daisies. Patience. Patience. Patience. His life back on the mainland was crumbling. His loved ones were pressuring him to give up on the Gardens. So he decided what he thought ‘patience’ meant – what he wanted it to mean. So he sat down beside the flowers. And he waited. He wasn’t very far from his truck, or from civilization. It was just a twenty minute walk back to the main road. But when you wait for that long in the cold, without a drop of drinkable water, eventually waiting is no longer a choice. It’s simply all you can do. And the last thing you’ll do. When Etta told me this story, she said that was the plan all along – that the fiancée lured the man to his death so that they could be together. But ‘patience’ could have meant anything, right? It could have meant that she wanted him to go back home and live out the rest of his life, and that one day they’d see each other again. Even with the people we know best, sometimes we don’t understand them as well as we think we do. Sometimes we talk at cross-purposes, and open doors we don’t mean to. Not everything has to be malicious, right? Sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding that got someone else hurt.”

… why do I have the feeling that this is not just a story of Etta? Why do I have the feeling that this is what happened here, with you, Bertie? And I’m totally not crying.

Minisode 3:

I kinda discussed it already in ep 3. But like the dude in minisode 1, Roger is “somewhere he isn’t supposed to be”.

Minisode 4:

Bertie like rom-coms! “They promise laughs, happily-ever-afters, and wuv… twue wuv.” And my deskmate had a rant about Rachel getting off the plane too.

They tried to film Over Troubled Water at some point, a movie “about a couple that meets on an epic life-changing tour over the Transatlantic Bridge. Trouble was, when the trip ended, they lived on opposite ends of it.”

They had a laugh track. And actors in places they shouldn’t be. Like. Ya know. The fricking sea.

One day, (day 10, Watchtower 10 hmmm) “they found a metallic-painted Styrofoam statue of [the lead actress] beneath the lights and cameras. You see, if he—if all of them had been paying attention, he might have noticed the metallic sheen of the ‘paint’ perfectly matched the shade of the bridge’s beams. It wasn’t Styrofoam. A tribute, then from the Bridge itself?” Who loved her so much it couldn’t let her go…

 Bertie put her statue. With his. Roses. I cAN’T.

 Episode 7:

 “Warning: someone gets stabbed. A lot.” This doesn’t start well.

PERCY: Such a sharp rebuke from someone who disdains her own responsibilities so much that she completely abandoned them. How’re those traffic reports going? Oh, wait. ETTA: That’s completely different. PERCY: Is it? I guess abandonment runs in the family. ETTA: (you son of a—)If you’d rather not be chloroformed again, I’d suggest you shut the hell up. PERCY: Defensive. Nice. ETTA: Only when liars like you pretend to be my therapist.

Don’t get fooled and drag him, Etta.

PERCY: Well, contrary to popular belief, I’m actually quite good at my job. I know where you mother is. And I also know that she isn’t coming to find you. She doesn’t want to.

Don’t listen. Chloroform him.

ETTA: She wouldn’t just leave me out here. PERCY: But she did. Don’t you think it’s a little… odd that she hasn’t found you already? It’s been fifteen years, after all. Surely she had time to look for something that was so precious to her. ETTA: All right, Freud. Thanks for the psychoanalysis.

I’m on team “let’s not read instructions and use as much chloroform as possible”.

PERCY: While everyone in that hotel disappeared! They were trying do good work —to release a magnificent being back into the sea— when they were taken. […] My colleagues were at the Transcontinental Hotel that night to serve a higher purpose. They were connected to something that was bigger than any one individual. ETTA: (slowly, as if finding the missing pieces of a puzzle) Colleagues? All the rich people…? PERCY: They weren’t all wealthy. But every rumor has a ring of truth to it. Some of the people who disappeared were part of our upper echelon.

So they weren’t guests. They were cult followers!

PERCY: Nora’s going to get me out of here soon enough. Pray that you’re not here when shows up. ETTA: I’ve never been the praying sort. PERCY: Well, perhaps you should start. You might not need it, but your friends certainly will. ETTA: They can defend themselves. PERCY: All of them? Even your harmless, rom com-loving gardener? ETTA: I— PERCY: (#winning) Or what about that fellow who keeps uploading your broadcasts? Do you think he’ll be fine? What was his name again? Fred? Yeah, something like that. He’s all alone, too. Poor little guy. […] Alone. On the bridge. He left a message for you. Said he wasn’t going to come back. Looks like someone else abandoned you. I’m sensing a trend. […] (#alltheevil) How lonely it must be, watching every day as everyone drifts away from you. ETTA: Stop it. PERCY: And with each person who leaves, you wonder what you did. What could be so wrong with you that you drive everyone away? Maybe it’s because— ETTA SLAPS HIM. AN AWKWARD SILENCE SITS AROUND THEM AS A DIABOLICAL SMILE SETTLES ON PERCY’S FACE.

Is it wrong that I already prepared a tennis racket to hit him with?

PERCY: Oh, we got the drop on you, didn’t we? And altered your external communications system without anyone noticing. We’re not alone. Our people can call in to this watchtower whenever they want. (an irritated aside) And they do. ETTA: You’re lying. PERCY: Maybe. Maybe not. Why don’t you try calling your friends again? See if anyone’s listening.

Spoiler: they aren’t.

Roger wants to avoid going to Submare 3 so they don’t disclose Bob’s (Bob’s a cutie.) location.

They talk about the things they should know about.

KATE: Stories about people. Things that’ve happened along the road. Watchtowers suddenly going radio-silent one month and staffed with brand new people the next. I’m sure you’ve been briefed. They say there are people who believe we don’t belong here. People who want this place… undone. People who think we’ve interfered with things we were never meant to know.

Roger demands why she didn’t tell him. What? “That there’s some vague and terrible something out there doing vague and terrible things?”

Roger wants to open Submare 3 so Kate just. Hits him in the gut. And leaves him there.

“If you are unfortunate enough to catch your reflection watching you, we ask that you do not acknowledge it. Whatever lies behind that glass isn’t you. It never was.”

God how are there messages supposed to help??

Bollard calls in and threatens Bertie. I’ll commit murder if they do something… bad..er… to him.

Bertie’s parents are dead. He was engaged. I knew the story wasn’t just a story!! He breaks the console and stops all communications. “Great.”

Kate wants to find intelligence on the evil duo and she doesn’t know how they’ll kill Bob. Who’s scared. My heart.

Bertie appears and they stick together.

PERCY: What’s the matter? Afraid I’m right? That no matter how hard you try, everyone around you will just leave without any explanation?

Can’t we just chloroform him?

Nora has Roger no

ROGER: Etta, listen to me. I’m your supervisor. Your job is not to protect me. ETTA:Roger, unless you’ve got some secret body armor , this isn’t a discussion!

Umm I think I have news on this one, Etta. 

Nora stabbed Roger. Ouch. Ouch. Au. Au nu nu nun uununun.

“BOOM. KATE is here to save the day, BERTIE in tow. She trains her gun on PERCY and NORA. While there is no badass entrance music playing for her, there is badass entrance music in spirit.” Uuuuuu you go Kate!

NORA: Maybe she doesn’t want to come with you, hm? Shall I tell her how you went running down to the archives when your little friends needed you? KATE: I thought I told you to stop talking. PERCY: (mocking) She has her priorities, Etta. I’m afraid they don’t include any of you. KATE: (slightly losing her cool) That isn’t true.

Well, Kate’s a bit shady too, bUT SHE DOESN’T GO AROUND STABBING PEOPLE.

Nora has a point for once: “This place never should have been built.”

PERCY: You see, Etta? These people don’t deserve your loyalty. Think of that poor creature you have trapped in Submare 3. You care about him, don’t you? You gave him a name. He trusts you. Surely you don’t think he belongs here. ETTA: N… No, but— KATE: Etta, look at me. He’s safer here. You know that. NORA: (with a laugh) As human beings, we have the luxury of couching our actions however we like. Expansion. Manifest destiny. … Connection.

POSEIDON= People openly supporting elaborate initiatives, doomed or not. Wow.

“Roger’s a living being, too, and you had no problem stabbing him.” Love you Bertie.

PERCY AND NORA LEAP INTO THE OCEAN BELOW. So dramatic. May you never resurface again. I know I’m mean, but they kinda deserve it.

BERTIE : Hey, Etta? Would you mind… telling me a story before I go to sleep. ETTA: … you’re really in the mood for something creepy right now? BERTIE: No. But I don’t know if I want to be alone yet, either. ETTA: (the embodiment of awwwwww) I— of course I will. I’d love to. BERTIE: Thanks.

CONNECTION. And awwwwwwwwwww I love them.

Etta’s ”not convinced Kate’s as collected as she seems”. Yesss.

ROGER: You don’t have to lie to them, you know. KATE: You’re one to talk. ROGER: I made a mistake. I should’ve told you about what was happening. […] KATE: If you knew what was coming, why didn’t you bother to share it with the class? I was under strict orders not to say anything — and I’ll be damned if I get kicked off of this bridge for gossiping — but you… Headquarters expected you to distribute that information. And you couldn’t. You didn’t. Why? […] Let me know when you have an answer.

Well. She has a point.

Episode 8:

“You’ll be able to see just how beautiful the Atlantic Ocean can be when you’re driving along at two o’clock in the morning and it’s just you, the water, a few persistent slices of moonlight, and the terrible, soul-crushing realization that something else is with you. (darkly) Something that shouldn’t be there. (cheery) So please pardon our mess as we complete the Transcontinental Bridge!”

 Again. Why?? How is this helping in any way??

 Kraken to Siren. Hmmm. May I guess that Siren’s real name starts with a “S”?  If Kate is her real name. I never thought of that. F**k.

 Nora and Percy weren’t their target. Bob’s Specimen no. 10.

 Oh ow. So Kate’s a double agent. Siren’s not headquarters. Double f**k. But she cares about the crew so that’s good. Right?

“I used to tell my little cousin bedtime stories, and she hated them, every time. She’d always remind me that not every story has to be about sacrifice, or duty over reason. Once in a while, they should have happy endings.”

My heart.

“Because even before the bridge, the people of this town believed that there was something in the water that meant them harm. Something that they considered it their duty to contain. […] So another name came up to fill the belly of the beast: a young girl’s. She was seventeen, but she was among the most faithful – she had dedicated her short life to protecting the shore, and before that day, she would have said she believed in the cause with every bone. But when she learned her fight would soon end… she suddenly wasn’t so sure.”

Figures.

“She went to her best friend – a skeptic who had never quite embraced the idea that they were at war. They had been friends all their life, though lately, there always an undercurrent of tension when they spoke. Neither of them believed that the other ever listened to them. She agreed to help immediately, and together, the believer and the skeptic hatched a plan. […] And she felt a rush of fear and sorrow for every person who had walked this path before, all those moments she celebrated because she thought it was for the best. But she felt none of that fear and sorrow for herself, because she knew there was one person left in this world who was on her side. And that person was waiting, hidden, at the end of this road, waiting to pull her down a hidden path to the beach. And they would leave this town, and their duty. And everything would be different. And the skeptic was waiting for her by the cliffs, as promised. But something was wrong. She wasn’t hiding. The believer was allowed one short, painless moment of confusion before she was pushed into the water below. The skeptic did listen to her sometimes, after all.”

Wow. That was cold. Painless, but cold.

“There are people, they say, who believe we don’t belong here. People who want this place undone. People who think the day we built this bridge we invited abominations into our lives. And people say it all started in that little seaside town. I’m not sure if the skeptic is still among them. I’m sure if she is, she fits right in.”

But was Kate the skeptic and her cousin the believer? How did she die?? Was that word for word what happened? Or is it some sort of allegory? Or it has nothing to do with them? But I still think it’s somehow related to what happened to her and her cousin…

 So Etta is “talking” (or …actually talking?) to Bob. “But how can he think this is my fault?” Ooooh she’s mad and hiding from them. Well. Can’t blame her.

“And now Roger’s been stabbed, Kate got chloroformed, Bertie actually wanted to fight someone, we haven’t been able to find Percy and Nora’s bodies, so who knows what the hell that means, and I— […] Well. My secret is out, isn’t it? They all know who I was. Am, I guess. Who I am. They know why I’m here. ‘Scared little girl.’ Lost, alone, abandoned. I think that’s what Percy and Nora said about me. (bitter) And they were right. About all of it. It’s been fifteen years, and I haven’t heard anything. My mom  probably doesn’t want to find me. Why would she? It’s not like I’ve done anything with my life. I just sit here, making sure the Bridge’s precious monster doesn’t get loose. Sorry. You know I didn’t mean it like that. Bob… Is that what you really want? To get out of this place? You don’t know, huh? It wasn’t supposed to be a head-scratcher. [..] I don’t know, either. I thought I’d be here until I found her, but now…

Maybe she should just stay lost.”

Yes, Etta, have a self deprecating ramble, relate to Bob (Bob’s a cutie), become more and more relatable and break my damn heart. Sure. Why not.

ROGER: I’m prioritizing. She’s got more important things to do right now than report potholes to the void. Roger is clearly not ok.

Roger admits that he’s here because he lost a bet, but using the plot of Titanic is not going to fool Bertie.

ROGER: There is very little that a concrete wall won’t fix. (plus the blooper at the end is A++)

Bertie calls Etta to tell her “I think Roger and Kate just made up!”

BERTIE: Obviously something’s wrong. You’re pouting. ETTA: You can’t even see me. I’m not pouting. BERTIE: Well, your voice is pouting.

O M G this is it. My favorite joke from anything ever. Omg.

“Great. I really messed that one up, didn’t I? Henrietta Perrault, Professional Friendship Ruiner. Don’t worry, folks. I’ll be here all week—“ Nooo I know how that feels so noooo

Kate has a miniature surrender flag that he uses on Roger I can’t.

KATE: You don’t have to explain anything you don’t want to. ETTA: (the beginning of the emotion-flood) But that’s just it! I owe you all something ! I… I didn’t want to admit it, but Roger’s right. I brought them here. I did this . I told them where to find us, I let them in, and they… they… SHE STOPS. WHATEVER EMOTIONS SHE’S BEEN HIDING BEHIND THAT WALL BREAK IT DOWN, OVERWHELMING HER. KATE: They’re gone now, Etta. ETTA: (fragile; slightly fearful) They could come back. […] I need them to come back. I have to talk to them. KATE: Why in the hell— ETTA: They… said things. When I was guarding him, Percy… he told me he knew where my mother was. KATE: Etta— ETTA: And that she doesn’t want to find me. KATE: You shouldn’t believe anything he said. ETTA: But what if he’s right? Maybe she wanted to get rid of me. KATE: I don’t think so. ETTA: Why? KATE: Just trust me on this one. ETTA LAUGHS. The sound is low and bitter. That’s your answer for a lot of things, lately. BOB GROWLS. ETTA: What were you doing in the archives? KATE: (taken aback) What? ETTA: I keep replaying it in my mind. How we gave them a place to stay. How they separated us. The threats; the blood. When you came to help us. Everything that happened after. And I can remember everything they did — almost like they could be standing right here. Nora said you’d been in the archives. That you ran off. Had your own priorities. KATE: I told you not to listen to what they said. ETTA: She was right, wasn’t she? Everything was falling apart, and you went to the archives. KATE: I was following a lead. It didn’t pan out. It’s… it’s complicated. ETTA: Try me. KATE: (waving that mini surrender flag) Hmm. All right. So, POSEIDON is all about trying to free the whales, right? BOB GROWLS. KATE: (whoops; don’t insult the monster) Sorry, Bob. I didn’t mean it like that. Well, the group I’m researching is a little… different. They don’t want to save the whales. ETTA: So… they… KATE: If they find Bob, they’ll kill him. ETTA: (incredulous) They can’t just… kill Bob! It’s impossible— BOB GROWLS. KATE: Right. Just like keeping Bob locked up in our watchtower was supposed to be impossible. If we found a way to contain him, they’ve definitely found a way to kill him. ETTA: How do we stop them? KATE: I’m still working on that one. ETTA: Well, I’m going to help you. We all are. […] Everyone needs help sometimes. Even badass travel agents like you. KATE: I’m not that badass. ETTA: Awww, come on! You should’ve seen the way you stormed in there, dramatic music crescendoing in the background as you saved the day. KATE: There wasn’t any dramatic music. ETTA: I know, I know. But it was there in spirit! BOB GROWLS, bringing them back to reality. KATE: We should probably head back up. Roger wanted to talk to all of us. […] TRANSITION OUT, SUCKAS

Polaris, huh? People openly….?

ROGER: Okay, so we’ve got two different… what the hell are they? Cults? We’re gonna call ‘em cults. KATE: …okay. Cults. Right. I think we’re missing the point a little. Both of them want Bob. ETTA: And neither of them are going to get him.

Yessss.

ETTA: Look, we’ve had a trying last few days, so if you’re part of some creepy secret society, we don’t want anything you’re selling. ROGER: Seriously? ETTA: (harsh whisper) Like you’re contributing anything to this conversation— FRANK: (slightly pained. Like the physical kind) Oh… come on. Is this any way to treat a friend of the show? ETTA: (wondering how terrible she must’ve been in a past life to deserve this) Frank?

That didn’t went well…

END OF EPISODE, BEGINNING OF HIATUS, IF YOU NEED ALEX BROWN SHE’LL BE ASLEEP FOR TEN YEARS.

I love you.

Minisode 5:

Etta likes to fold stuff, right? Towels, the paper swan she made from her job description.

And the questions someone usually has when they look up at the sky - is there something else out there? Someone else? Never really bothered her. She figured that if there were other… beings out there, they couldn’t be terrible. They came from a beautiful thing, after all. And beautiful things, by some unnamed law of the universe, had no right being terrible.

Aw sweetie, but beautiful things are terrible.  

It was the happiest she’d ever been - and, maybe, the happiest she’d ever be.

Noooo don’t say that…

Because she had it wrong, all along. Beautiful things could also be terrible.

Oh no I don’t like where this is going I mean I like that we find out more stuff but at the same time no n o no

She’d tell them about the things that hid under their beds - and the things that lingered around them. Creatures passed down from generation to generation; monsters that weren’t real. Well, not in the beginning, anyway. But these things had a way of latching on to insecurities. To hatred. Mistrust. Fear. And before anyone knew better, these monsters were just as real as they were. They crafted them throughout the years, putting as much care into their creations as the little girl did when she tried to make a paper swan.

God. Is this going where I think it’s going? Yes. No. no no non onon

Everything made sense when she was asleep.

Ok. I just took a 5 minutes break. Here we go again.

Her aunt didn’t notice. She was always away, desperate to prove that she was right. Not that her aunt would’ve been much help. The little girl didn’t know it at the time, but her aunt… her aunt was just as lost as she was. They’d both fallen into their own bottomless pits, plunging toward ground that would never appear. No matter how hard she tried, the little girl couldn’t stop falling.

*queue me making a strained noise bc wow*

She’d close her eyes, fighting back tears as she wondered why she was so broken. Pleading for something to fix her. Wishing for something, anything , to change. But nothing happened. And those monsters she told her classmates about - the ones that thrived off of fear and hatred - they found her. They told her something, and then they left. They went back into the world, to prey on others, and the little girl couldn’t do anything to stop them. She sat in her room, staring out the window. Clouds covered the moon as their words bounced around in her mind. You are worthless. And terrible. You aren’t loved, and never will be. For a long time, she believed they were right. Sometimes, she still thinks they’re right.

 Oh my God. Poor Etta. I…

 “But then the secrets she’s hidden come rushing through the air. Diving toward her, as if she’d just tossed food out to ravenous birds. And again, she realizes that she was wrong. Because the terrible things had been with her this whole time. And they’ll no longer stay silent. The weight of that thought crushes her, draining out the small bit of hope she’d clung onto for all those years. She was only one person. And the things she wanted to fight - Mistrust. Hatred. Fear. They’re too much for her to handle alone. […] She doesn’t have to be alone. It took her a long time to understand what that meant. There will always be terrible things. But there are people who would stand with her. Who would fight by her side. And she, in turn, would fight for them. With every bit of her being, she’d never stop fighting. Because everyone should feel safe. And loved for who they are. That world existed only in her imagination. But she was going to change that.”

I have depression. I never… I… I needed to hear this. Thank you for this podcast, and especially for creating Etta. This minisode speaks volumes to me. I need a hot chocolate now.

Minisode 6:

Frank wants the Kraken. Well, it’s always about people named Steve in podcasts, amirite?

“ But, of course, she told it wrong. Details were omitted, key figures were left out, and her overall tone was just too — chipper. I tried to tell her she was getting everything wrong, but she just wouldn’t listen.” But why would Etta hate him that much?? She doesn’t even hate Roger for telling her to do her job. Why does she hate you?

[3 minutes later]

Wait. What do they hunt exactly in the hunt club??? Oh no. They hunt sea creatures how did I not see this before mark the day January 4th 2017 I had a late epiphany. Now well no shit she hates you. Now it all makes sense!!

Sooo now we know there’s a creature, a single creature, made from an infinity of single parts. Is he… talking about the mockingbirds?

Dun dun dun. Ok. See you again when the season’s over.

#the bridge podcast #my post #long ramble #i wanted to post it at the same time with the review #but i fell asleep #haha oops

[gaiatheorist]

Doldrums.

It is a real word, not just a nonsense one. Sailors use ‘Doldrums’ to refer to the Intertropical Convergence Zone, where trade winds meet. It isn’t always in the same place, and, as well as the dangerous becalming that could strand wind-powered vessels, it’s also prone to unpredictable storms.

I’m ‘in the Doldrums’, and have been for quite some time. I’m no more down-in-the-dumps, or under-the-weather than usual, my trade winds are the NHS, DWP, and my son still being here. The unpredictable storms are me, or they would be, if I had the energy. I’m becoming avoidant, and sleeping too much, logical-rational, I’m removing myself from shared space in the house to avoid causing arguments with my son. I could see him giving me the side-eye over the top of his laptop and mine yesterday afternoon, so I withdrew to my boudoir, before I caused a stop-looking-at-me-like-that fight. He looks at me like that because he hates me falling asleep downstairs. I fall asleep downstairs because of the brain injury fatigue, and the insomnia, it’s Saturday, I’ve been up since 2am. 

I’m in several kinds of limbo about things beyond-my-control. I’m becalmed, ‘stuck’ and, until those various ‘Trade winds’ metaphorically pick up, I’m rudderless, going nowhere, completely at the mercy of external forces I have no influence over. My physical health is deteriorating, which invariably knocks-on to my emotional health. My medication isn’t right, it should have been reviewed last October, but then my energy was focused on filling in the first of three ‘How your disability affects you’ forms for DWP. The second and third forms were identical, so at least I could photocopy the 35 pages of additional evidence I’d submitted. I wrote to the Consultant overseeing my pain medication, explaining that I had thought there would have been a review by now, and giving a brief overview of the difficulties I was having with phase 2 of the plan he’d written. I’ve had several falls, and multiple cognitive lapses, if I was neurotic, I’d have turned up at A&E, and asked for a brain scan. The only change-factor has been the medication, so I’m clinging onto that linear-logical, rather than spending time wondering if the third ‘risky’ aneurysm is enlarging. I have the appointment with Neurology in April. It’s a bit “I can see the pub from here.”   

The trigger-point for this period of low mood was the review after the ‘Emotional Coping Skills’ group-work. I’d been a good girl, and written reflections after each session, then compiled my thoughts on whether the course had helped, and what I thought I needed next. The course hadn’t helped, it was two women reading out the worksheets they had given to us, and either ignoring, or misconstruing questions from the group. As in previous reviews, I didn’t know what I wanted next, because I didn’t know what was available. I had, however, analysed my presenting needs, and explained that the combination of C-PTSD, brain injuries, and the autism diagnosis, on top of multiple life-changing events, within a relatively short space of time were the issue. I was about to explain the loss-of-self/bereavement analogy when the woman asking the questions cut me off. “No, you have to pick one.”

“It isn’t one above the others, it’s the combination.”

“Well pick the one that causes the most difficulty day-to-day.” (See what I mean about the not-listening?)

“That’s what I’m saying, it’s the combination of the multiple diagnoses at once that’s the issue.”

“No, you have to pick one.”

My temper flared, “You want me to pick one? It’s that reductive?”

“You can only pick one.”

We’ll just set aside the fact that I’m sitting there with brain injuries, autism, and C-PTSD, and they’re asking me to ‘pick one’. The brain injuries are physical, and the autism is a neurodvelopmental condition. I’m ‘under’ Neurology for the physical impairments relating to the brain injuries, and awaiting an appointment with the Specialist Neurodevelopmental Service for the autism. Piggy-in-the-middle is the C-PTSD. As an added bonus, it’s technically the only one of the telephone directory of ailments I have that’s classified as a mental illness. She wrote PTSD on her sheet of paper, and I corrected her that it was C-PTSD, that we weren’t dealing with one traumatic experience, but multiple. She didn’t like that at all, but wrote the ‘C’, somewhat huffily. 

The rest of the appointment was hideous, she kept talking herself around in circles, that I had found the group-work difficult, so would be likely to find any group-work difficult. Her questions were leading, and not open, and, a couple of times when she noticed my knuckles were white from gripping the chair, and the telltale red flush was creeping from my chest up my throat, she asked me if I wanted to go away and think about it, then book another appointment. I didn’t bite, and I didn’t swear (much), I’ve studied NLP, and recognised her trigger-words, and opportunities to opt-out. She went on another rambling monologue about ‘not wanting to set me up to fail’, and I zoned out. When she paused for breath, I mentioned that my attention was fading fast, and asked her what she would be recommending. I still don’t know, I’m waiting for the letter, I think it’s the ‘Trauma Stabilisation Group’, followed by a 13-week trauma-specific intervention. 

That appointment was after I’d asked for an extension on my OU assignment, but before I’d had to leave a yoga class because my leg went into spasm, and I was worried I’d fall over. Somewhere in the middle of all of that, one of my son’s friends completed suicide. I’ve had ‘a lot on’. 

I’m aware that I’m burrowing, but the pincer movement of physical/mental health being viewed as completely separate issues, and never-the-twain-shall-meet  is incredibly frustrating. DWP-Universal Credit are docking me £47 a month for their mistake, and they don’t know what’s happening with my ‘Limited Capacity for Work’ status, despite the fact that I sent all the forms, and evidence back in October last year. Again, it’s disruptively reductive “That’s not us, you’ll have to ring payments.” and “No, I don’t have access to that, you’ll have to ring direct.” I’m behind on my OU course again, in part because I’ve bent over backwards to send DWP the right evidence, within timescales, but in part because I still, even after all these years, I put ‘myself’ last on every list. The OU course is ‘something for me’, I guilt-trip myself about whether I ‘deserve’ it approximately the same amount as I wonder if I still have as much cognitive capacity as I think I do. 

The pachyderm in the parlour is my son. He finished Uni in June last year, and told me he was taking August ‘off’, before starting to look for a job. He’s probably autistic, and string-logic-wily like me. He was waiting-for this and that, and he’s still here. We have similar and different autistic traits, I hate the way he’s claimed every flat surface in the house as shelves for his gubbins, and he hates the way I repeat myself, and fall over a lot. Neither of us are stereotypically female, but we’re both caught in a compassion trap. He “can’t” move into his Dad’s, because his Dad’s behaviours are even more irrational than mine, (Yes, really) and he can’t move in with the friend he originally said he would go to, because that would bugger up the mate’s student finance. (It wouldn’t, I know how to work around that.) He’s giving me these flannel-excuses because he’s worried about me, and it’s impossible to convey to him that his presence hinders more than it helps  I don’t want to push him away. I do want him to fuck off.

There we go, the reason for my recent lack-of-content, I’m in the Doldrums, I won’t starve, but I don’t know which way the wind will take me.

[savvyherb]

A Big Study on Weed and Mental Health Reveals Just How Little We Know

In April of 2019, more people searched online for CBD than for acupuncture, apple cider vinegar, meditation, exercise, veganism, or vaccination (and that was during a measles outbreak).

CBD, a chemical found in the cannabis plant, is having its moment, after being seized on by the wellness empire for its rumored ability to help with a whole host of conditions, from anxiety to insomnia to depression. The CBD industry is estimated to grow to almost $2 billion by 2022, and cannabis use overall has increased 43 percent between 2007 and 2015; it's now medicinally legal in 33 states. But despite how ubiquitous CBD lattes may be, they are not matched by an equal amount of research on their benefits for the mind.

A new review and meta-analysis published this week in The Lancet Psychiatry looked for the effects of cannabinoids on mental health in nearly 40 years of research and their findings sounded grim: They wrote there was “scarce evidence” to support that cannabis improves mental health symptoms, leading publications like The Guardian to publish an article titled "Risks of cannabis use for mental health treatment outweigh benefits," and writing that "the use of cannabis medicines to treat people with depression, anxiety, psychosis or other mental health issues cannot be justified because there is little evidence that they work or are safe." Time similarly concluded that "There's 'Scarce Evidence' That Cannabis Helps Mental Health Issues."

This review reveals something many clinicians already knew: We don’t have enough evidence to say that cannabis can treat mental health disorders. That doesn’t necessarily mean weed doesn’t help at all—it means we just don't know. (And since risks of long-term cannabis use have been well-documented, of course they would outweigh benefits we are unaware of.)

“The old adage that absence of evidence doesn’t necessarily mean absence of effectiveness is true here,” said Harry Sumnall, a professor of substance use at Liverpool John Moores Public Health Institute in the U.K., who was not involved in the review.

Finding a lack of evidence isn't a reason to throw in the towel. It should be motivation to conduct more rigorous studies, especially given the rise in use of cannabis and cannabis-derived products specifically for mental health, and the large swaths of the public deciding on their own that cannabis does treat these symptoms.

People are widely using cannabis—both THC and CBD—for their mental health. In 2017, a study found that people perceive cannabis to be an effective way to treat many conditions, and that some substituted cannabis for prescription medications like benzodiazepines (often given for anxiety) or antidepressants. In a 2018 study of over 2,400 CBD users, 62 percent said they used CBD for a medical condition—the top three being pain, anxiety, and depression.

Just because your friend or your favorite Instagram influencer took CBD and it improved their anxiety better isn’t enough to determine whether cannabis is effective for that purpose. This kind of evidence is called anecdotal and it can feel immensely powerful, especially if the experience happened to you. But that’s not the way we decide that treatments are safe and effective. Even results from single studies might not be enough, especially when it comes to difficult areas like mental health. Consider the fact that researchers are still having debates about whether or not SSRIs are more effective than placebos for depression— and those medications have been around for decades and have no issues surrounding legality that result in limits on research. This is one of the reasons scientists write reviews and meta-analyses, to try and combine findings from many studies.

The authors of the new review searched for studies published between 1980 and 2018, including unpublished or ongoing studies, where medicinal cannabinoids were given to adults to treat depression, anxiety, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, Tourette's syndrome, post-traumatic stress disorder, or psychosis. In the end, they included 83 studies, 30 of which were randomized controlled trials—considered the gold standard of study design.

The results were mixed. "Our analyses and conclusions are limited by the small amount of available data, small study sizes, and heterogeneity of findings across studies," the authors wrote.

They found that pharmaceutical-grade THC made anxiety symptoms better, but only in people who had other medical conditions like chronic pain. This is an important caveat. If, for example, the primary outcome of a study was seeing if cannabis could help with chronic pain and a person’s depression also improved, it’s hard to say whether the cannabis treated the depression, or if their pain got better and made them feel less depressed.

In one study the review looked at, pharmaceutical cannabis made psychotic symptoms worse, while in others, pharmaceutical cannabis didn’t show any significant effect on mental disorders, but was linked to increased side effects. The authors noted that there were very few randomized controlled trials for them to review that tested pharmaceutical CBD or medicinal cannabis. Another issue is that many people don't take pharmaceutical or medicinal cannabis, they buy it recreationally—the studies can't account for that variability either.

“To make more confident conclusions we need more evidence; but at the moment there is not a lot that can support, guide or inform use of cannabinoids for mental disorders," said Louisa Degenhardt, the deputy director at the National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre at The University of New South Wales in Sydney, and senior author on the review.

Kevin Hill, an addiction psychiatrist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, said that any clinician who treats patients who regularly use cannabis, either recreationally or medicinally, won't be surprised at the mixed and sparse evidence the authors had to muddle through.

“There is much more that we don’t know about cannabis and CBD than we do know,” Hill said. “With such an intense interest in cannabis and CBD as treatments for medical conditions including psychiatric disorders, it is disappointing that the rate and scale [of research] has not kept pace with the interest.”

Cannabis is a Schedule 1 drug, which is a barrier to research, but funding is a bigger one, Hill said. He thinks that states and companies profiting from cannabis and CBD should contribute to the science. “For the most part, they have not," Hill said. "A portion of profits from the sale of cannabis or CBD should be put toward finding the answers to important questions about efficacy and safety." It's a process we know can work, even for something like CBD: Large-scale trials were how we found that CBD could be helpful for pediatric epilepsy conditions, and it's now FDA-approved for that use.

The reason why this all matters is because with mental health disorders, taking something that’s not helping could eventually end up doing harm. If someone with depression takes CBD or medical cannabis daily and it doesn't work (or makes it worse), they won't improve. This could affect their overall quality of life, and their ability to work or be social.

Without more study, we could also be missing some of the basic biology around cannabis use. Earlier this year, a small study looked at the medical records of 25 people who used cannabis and found that they needed more anesthesia to remain sedated during certain medical procedures. When the authors tried to look at existing research to see if other clinicians had found the same thing, they discovered that their study was the first on that topic. “We did these huge literature searches and found nothing,” Mark Twardowski, a doctor of osteopathic medicine, told VICE in April. “Really?”

And many CBD products continue to be notoriously under regulated: In 2017, a study in JAMA found that only 30 percent of CBD products sold online were accurately labeled, and last year, a study in Forensic Science International found synthetic marijuana and dextromethorphan, an ingredient in cough syrup, in CBD vape liquid.

"With millions of Americans using cannabis and CBD for myriad medical conditions, we should be conducting rigorously designed trials to see if cannabis and CBD actually are effective treatments for these conditions," Hill said. The United States has the potential to lead the way in this work and we have not yet done so.”

Until more research is done, we should be wary of overblown claims around cannabis on both sides: that it does nothing, or that it's a panacea—our gap in knowledge is too great for either.

Follow Shayla Love on Twitter.

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source https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/xwepad/lancet-study-on-weed-and-mental-health-reveals-just-how-little-we-know

The post A Big Study on Weed and Mental Health Reveals Just How Little We Know appeared first on Savvy Herb Mobile Cannabis Platform.

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#cannabis #marijuana #thc #cbd

[fitnessexpert00-blog]

Fitness star Jackie Warner arrested for DUI and assault on a police officer

New Post has been published on https://fitnessqia.com/must-see/fitness-star-jackie-warner-arrested-for-dui-and-assault-on-a-police-officer/

Fitness star Jackie Warner arrested for DUI and assault on a police officer

Fitness guru Jackie Warner has been charged with felony assault on a police officer, misdemeanor DUI and misdemeanor hit and run, E! News reported on Monday.

According to Warners attorney, Shawn Holley, shes been battling insomnia, which prompted her to be under the influence of a prescribed sleep aid.

‘RHONY’ STAR LUANN D’AGOSTINO’S DAUGHTER VICTORIA ARRESTED FOR DWI

We have letters and reports from Jackies doctors which prove a long history of insomnia and which strongly support our contention that Jackie was driving unconscious after taking Ambien, which had been prescribed to her, Holley told TMZ.

I reached out to the D.A.s Office weeks ago and was assured that deputies would review our reports before filing charges,” Holley added. “We are extremely disappointed that the D.A.s Office filed these charges without reviewing our evidence, as promised.

The West Los Angeles Sheriff told E! News that there were no injuries and that Warners vehicle rolled back, prompting it to hit a police car. Warner got out of the car without issue and was reportedly compliant with officials on the scene before the arrest. Police arent sure how the car rolled back and the case has been assigned to a detective.

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This isnt the first time Warner has faced trouble.

After her reality TV series, Work Out, ended on Bravo in 2010, she sold her Beverly Hills gym. On her website, Warner revealed that after she turned 40, she fell into [a] crisis.

I didnt like doing the type of TV that I was doing, which made me uncomfortable and uneasy, wrote Warner. I had succeeded in many ways, but always had very tumultuous relationships, which caused me quite a lot of misery. Shortly thereafter, I sold my clinic and gym and found myself wondering whats next? My last TV show didnt do well and the shooting conditions were so bad that I vowed never to do television again unless it was a fully positive experience.”

Warner also added that she quit drinking for a year and I quit dating for a year, as well as relied on prayer to help her find a new purpose in life. Warner insisted that after hitting the gym more, she was mentally and physically stronger than I have ever been in my life.

Warners arraignment is scheduled for Apr. 19.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/