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danteinthedevildom · 3 years

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yes! i hate it when people say belphie doesnt care for mc, this is a personal opinion but i feel like even if we werent related to lilith (and somehow we came to life again) he would be close to us, and try. seeing how the people he cares about the most react to someone he thought was just a human dying would probably push him to get to know MC. i know some people also think and argue that beel sees MC as a replacement for lilith too; but i know 100% he doesnt, he hasnt been able to verbally talk about his sisters passing to anyone, i mean almost right after she died belphie was taken away and beel assumed he was in the human world on "buisness", so for beel to openly talk about lilith with us as much as he does it feels special. i know he sees mc as their own person because of how much hes able to share with us, beel talking with mc about his feelings means hes able to finally move on, not to say that he'll forget about her, but he knows hes ready to finally stop beating himself up for it yk? i feel like people were also conflicted about seeing belphie as someone who cares for mc, especially the 180 he does when he finds out we're liliths relative; but belphie has had so much trauma, seeing the person he loved the most die, being separated from his brothers for years and years, etc. he was locked away with his mental illness for a long time, the anger bottled up and he took it out on mc, of course it explains it but it doesnt excuse it, you can still continue to hate belphie idc but i feel like he loves mc more than the other brothers do because of it, its the same thing with beel, mc allowed both of them to cope and talk to them about their sisters passing, yk?

Honestly the whole of Chapter 16 and associated fallout is p. controversial simply bc of it being us that it happens to; the game's written for us to imprint on the MC, and because of that, some scenes - like Belphie's betrayal and his glee at having killed MC - becomes very, very personal. It's very easy after that to become biased against a character, because there's genuine emotional scarring that we're left with as players that the game then just... fails to acknowledge to its fullest. (Which is why we get so many "MC might have forgiven Belphie but I haven't" fics on AO3.)

But to say that Belphie doesn't care for MC is just. Wrong. And I can def. get your annoyance on that!

He didn't care for MC to begin with, yes; MC was a random human he knew nothing about, a ticket to freedom and the first step into enacting revenge for something he's carried with him for millenia. They didn't matter to him outside of that because he never got to see them - or spend actual time with them - outside of the short visits they could afford to update him on their pact progress. That's undeniable.

But to say that he still doesn't ignores the entire point of the Lilith revelation. Being related to her gives Belphie something to connect with MC over. It gives him a reason to overcome his hatred of humanity and to bond with MC in general - which is selfish, yes, and kind of shitty, true, but so much of Belphie's (admittedly misplaced) anger comes from being a survivor of an incredibly one-sided war and (arguably, in his mind) the reason Lilith died to begin with. Because Beel saved him instead of her.

It's not like any of them were ever given a good way to cope with the trauma of the Fall, or Lilith's death. It's not like any of them even knew her actual fate until Chapter 16. Belphie's way of coping was to become apathetic, and to try and place the blame onto something he could take action against.

To him, that meant humanity. Because she fell in love with a human. Because they'd already fought God and lost, so he wasn't going to get closure there - but maybe ending the cause for her death would help the hurt.

He hated humans because of Lilith. In the realm of good story-telling, the best way to end that hatred is likewise through Lilith. Stories are best when they have that cyclical nature to them - especially since it can then transition into Belphie overcoming his trauma (and Lilith's death) through humanity.

So, yeah; it's a selfish reason to get close to someone, to take back the really horrific thing you were going to do, but all of Belphie's anger stemmed from the Fall and what he perceived as her death. Finding out that she didn't actually die? That she became human - became the very thing he wanted to destroy - and lived out a long life? That she had children, and that her family line is still alive in MC? Of course that's going to stop him dead in his tracks. And of course he's going to want to get close to MC, the last remaining fragment of the sister he's dedicated his entire life post-Fall mourning.

Belphie's an incredibly apathetic character by nature. He doesn't care about a lot of things, and everything he cares about is overshadowed by how much he loves Lilith. He needs that connection to get him out of his natural apathy. He cares about Lilith above all else; he'll care about MC at the drop of a dime if they're anything to do with her.

But that's not a bad thing. It means there's an opportunity for him to genuinely get to know who MC is, in a positive light.

It's an opportunity for him to try and make a connection with MC that simply wouldn't have existed otherwise, and through them, to finally, finally put his memory of Lilith to rest. And he does! He gets to know MC, gets to know why Beel adores them so much - outside of just being "Lilith's descendant" - and ends up loving them for who they are.

He puts his hatred of humanity and his single-minded attachment to Lilith behind him, and he still cares for MC. He wouldn't do this if he'd really not formed some sort of bond with them before that point. If he only cared for them because they're a fragment of Lilith, then they'd mean nothing to him once Lilith wasn't such a fervent part of his daily life.

I think the game's just... really bad at showing that, however. You put it really well when you called it a 180, because in all honesty? The game glosses over it much too quickly, and doesn't do a totally good job explaining the logic behind why he'd change his mind so fast.

There's not enough time spent on allowing MC - and the player - to overcome the emotional wreckage of Chapter 16 + fallout. We're not given the chance to process it before Belphie has, to build up a natural relationship with him that transitions slowly from him seeing MC as a Lilith-connection to him seeing them as their own, defined person. It's way too easy to still be emotionally hung up on it while he seems perfectly fine and dandy.

On your bit abt him overcoming it even without the connection to Lilith - I agree tbh! There is a lot Belphie would do for Beel, and I genuinely think seeing how against him Beel is after killing MC, even if they're brought back to life, would ruin him. Belphie being locked up, trying to convince Beel that he was doing the right thing, only for Beel to disagree with him and show genuine anger/disgust, would knock the world from under his feet. If he thought trying to hurt MC would make him lose Beel too - if Beel pleaded with him to just play nice, because he can't choose between them both, not again - he'd likely (albeit begrudgingly) postpone his intended revenge plot.

And he'd try to stay bitter, and for a long time he likely would - but then he'd see how happy Beel is with MC around, and how much it means to Beel that they seem to get along, and how much Beel opens up to them about Lilith, and he'd start to... reconsider. Just a little. Just a bit. Moment by moment, day by day, until he realises that MC isn't a replacement for Lilith, but that they bring something to the table that the brothers have been missing for a long, long time.

Which would afford Belphie the moment of catharsis; where he finally, on a quiet night, opens up about the Fall. How he felt, how angry he is, how helpless. How much he misses her, how the pain and hurt consumes his every thought. And then the player would get the chance to overcome the emotional strain with Belphie, showing him that his anger shouldn't be aimed at humanity when his Father is the one at fault, and Belphie, very quietly, admitting that they're right.

It could work, and work well. It's just a point of finding - and hitting - the right story beats.

On the topic of Beel - honestly, the concept that he sees MC as a replacement for Lilith is just... I personally couldn't imagine it. I can see how someone else could - being her descendant, the attic sandwich club, their little escapade together once Belphie's back in with the family - but that includes seriously misreading/ignoring a lot of Beel's character arc/development.

Beel talks to MC about Lilith and Belphie way before he knows anything about their relation to her. He sees a lot of her in them, yes - he mentions this a few times, I think, in relation to little things they do - but he also sees a lot of what he wants to be in them - which is best seen in their ability to defend both himself and Luke, which be very subtly compares to his own inability to save both Lilith and Belphie.

To Beel, MC stands as something a little idealised. MC is everything good he saw in Lilith (as well as some of the things he loves most about Belphie), and everything he wishes he could have been. MC is a reason to be better, stronger, more capable - both so he can protect them the way they protect others, and so he can feel as if he's on their level.

But that doesn't mean he sees them as a replacement to the people he's lost. It's arguable that he's projecting, sure, I'll admit that; he sees things he misses most of the people he's lost in MC, and I'm sure forming a bond with them helped him cope while he was without Belphie. But MC is still always MC to him. They're always still their own person, and someone he cares for because of that fact.

Beel cares too much about his family to replace them with someone else. Lilith meant too much to him as a person for him to look at MC and actually see Lilith. He misses her, not the idea of her. He feels guilt that he couldn't save her. His trauma revolves almost entirely around the failure of (self imposed) duty and the subsequent loss of life. His Survivor's Guilt is the main reason Beel can't put her memory to rest - because he's constantly haunted by the thought that he could have saved her.

His trauma, the way it is, does not create a setting where he would believably see MC as a replacement for Lilith. He's all too aware that she's gone. He's all too aware that he lost something he can never get back that day. Her memory is special to him, and being unable to talk about her hurts him because that's a bit like killing her off for good.

MC can't replace Lilith, even being Lilith's descendant, and I genuinely can't believe that Beel would even want them to. He's so defensive over Belphie and Lilith, even just over the memory of them; to suggest that MC could replace one of them I feel would anger him more than anything. Not only because it's an insult to Lilith, but because it's an insult to the person MC is. To the person Beel admires.

With just how much he cares about Lilith, I think Beel's enhanced attachment to MC is more the steadfast defence of her lineage to make up for what he couldn't do for her. He still sees MC as their own person, it's just that now... now he has a chance to make up for what he failed at before. And bit by bit, he can learn to forgive himself. Can learn to stop blaming himself for something that was never his fault to begin with.

Belphie and Beel have a special relationship with MC because MC is a direct link to Lilith that helps them overcome their individual Lilith-related traumas. They're naturally going to be closer to MC due to this, yeah, but that's... not the only reason they're close to MC. To try and push down everything they feel and do with MC to "it's only because MC is Lilith's descendant" is to. Well. A) make an incredibly unsatisfying story and character development, but also B) completely ignore that MC helps them bury the memory Lilith. MC helps them move on. Their care and love for MC is what helps them finally let go - to stop living in the past, in hurt, and to finally take a step forward to a future without the weight of Lilith's death constantly burdening them.

Like. If Solmare had just spend a little more time on these two, that might be clearer. Because it's definitely there! And it's why I love Belphie and Beel so, so much. But it's also fully understandable why some players still really dislike Belphie, or why they're not convinced that Belphie/Beel see MC as anything outside of Lilith, bc the game does kind of fail on that a little by rushing a bit too much. Just. Aagh!! You know?

I could honestly go on abt them for hours. So I should prolly stop here before I go on too long adfgh.

#obey me #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #I still have no idea what to tag half of my shit as adfgh

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arlakos · 4 years

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Marinette’s list of Parisian Warcrimes (Or why I need to vent about all the bad stuff Marinette has done)

Yeah, I’m doing this.

People be talking on Tumblr about why Marinette is the best character in the show and talking shit about every other character, from Adrien so I think I'll do what I do best and piss off people.

You want another Adrien salt Fic about why he’s a stalker to validate your sensitivity to everything that triggers you?

You want another AU where Chloe goes full-on villain and asshole mode so that you can be just another Astruc stan?

Do you want another Lukanette fanfic because Luka is the ‘Better Adrien’ even though all he does is play a guitar?

TOO BAD! THIS TIME WE BE DOING SOME MARINETTE SALT AND WE GOING IN HARD! WE ARE GONNA BE RUNNING THIS BLUE HAIRED GIRL INTO THE GROUND THE SAME WAY THE FANDOM TREATED THE OTHER CHARACTERS!

THIS IS PAYBACK FOR ALL THE SALT FICS THAT HAVE BEEN FORCED TO SEE THAT DON’T EVEN BOTHER TO USE NATURAL LOGIC!

(And I'm gonna love every bit of it)

So without further ado, Marinette is sentenced to be salted on the following charges:

Having a planner that tracks Adrien's every location/activity so she can stalk him at all times and actively uses (Stormy Weather).

Using her powers to prevent Adrien from dancing with another person (yes, even if that person is Chloe) (Bubbler)

Stealing Adrien's phone (Copycat)

Reading other peoples letters, even if they did throw it in the garbage (Dark Cupid)

Abandoning Paris (Ladybug Origins) (Yes I know people are going to be angry at me especially for this one, but if Everyone gives shit for Chat Noir for doing the same thing in Syren, then Ladybug gets it as well. No double standards on this post)

Literally destroying Max’s hopes and dreams by beating him in a game entering a tournament just so that she could be with Adrien. I don’t care who was better in the game or won, Marinette had no prior interest in the tournament and even knew how much Max wanted to enter, yet still done it anyway the second she realized Adrien was there. Yeah, others will say its cute that she wanted to be with Adrien, but if she really wanted to spend time with him, all she had to do was, you know, ASK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!! (Gamer)

Ladybug not listening to advice on where the akuma is all because she didn't like Chloe. who made a small lie before to her. Yeah Ladybug, someone making a little lie to save themselves embarrassment is really valid enough of a reason for their opinion and advice to be worth nothing. And it caused another akuma, good for you. (Antibug)

Oooh, a big one...Marinette stalked Lila and Adrien pretty much all day, under the guise of ‘not liking liars’ (yeah right) and once she had a ‘valid’ excuse to pretty much ruin Lila’s chances of wooing Adrien (whether or not she had an actual chance is irrelevant) she transformed into Ladybug and ABSOLUTELY EMBARRASSED HER AND HUMILIATED HER right in front of Adrien, when she could have just pulled her aside and just told her off in private and quietly so that she wouldn’t do it again. When Adrien questions her says she did it with the excuse of ‘not liking liars’. (Volpina)

Not telling Fu who the book belonged too when questioned on where she got it. I get that this was an excuse to prolong the shows run time, but if you were going to bring this up in the show and pretend that what Marinette did wasn’t a big deal, then they shouldn’t have added it in the first place. (The Collector)

Not bothering to tell her grandmother the truth and sneaking off to hang with her friends. (Befana)

Ladybug leading on Chat Noir. If she really didn't want to go, she could have just outright said No and be done with it, instead of just a ‘maybe’. (Glaciator)

Ladybug Literally not telling Chat Noir about the Guardian or where the hell all these heroes are coming from. There was literally no excuse, Adrien didn’t need to wait ‘until he was ready’, he literally became a hero the same time as Ladybug, it wasn’t like he was ‘the new guy’ and Ladybug was ‘the more experienced one’. I can give this to Fu as well, but I still feel that Ladybug should’ve told him regardless from the get go, she trusted a man she hadn’t properly met until 1 season later more than her own partner who stuck with her since day one. (Syren)

Taking pollen away from Chloe... yeah this really doesnt count. I just simply liked Chloe’s face in Malediktator when she saw Pollen again.

Talking shit about Chloe behind her back then acting all friendly to her as Ladybug when she needed her to become Queen Bee. Not really bad, it's just incredibly rude. (Maledictator)

Again, the same shit as Stormy Weather, instead of being punished for having the planner that details every bit of Adriens day to day activities, she gets rewarded by the writers. Not so much a Marinette crime as it is and ASS-truc crime. (Troublemaker)

Snooping through Marcs Private book, annoying him when he wanted to be isolated, and just straight up not having Marc give him the script himself. She could have tried just bringing Marc to Nathaniel and showing him the script together. (Reverser).

Making a lie about organizing a party when she definitely didn’t plan one. Yes, even if she was going to do it afterwards and planned to make the pastries herself for the party. She really is a hypocrite when she comes to lying, even though that’s a personality trait the writer's press is the reason why she hates Lila. (Season 2 Finale-Catalyst and Mayura).

Sabotaging Kagami’s attempts at being with Adrien. (Animaestro)

Marinette telling her Grandpa that rice bread is better than wheat bread. Anybody who has tasted bread would say otherwise. Although to be fair I blame Tom for this and this isn’t really as bad as the others (Bakerix)

Marinette throws Chat under the bus by pretending she loves him and leaving him to face Tom when the entire thing was her fault. I know she did it to protect her identity, but it still was an ass thing to do, and Chat found Marinette in her own house, Marinette could have used any excuse, including but not limited to, baked goods. (Weredad)

Marinette... LITERALLY... TRIED TO BREAK INTO ADRIEN’S HOME... ALL BECAUSE LILA WAS THERE...if the fireman was smarter than most other characters in the show he could’ve literally called the cops on her, leading to her getting arrested and Gabriel (or even Adrien) filing a restraining order against her. That and she steals Juleka’s bike. Not cool dude. (Oni-Chan)

Marinette not making it very clear to Chloe that she can’t get the miraculous back under any circumstances due to her exposed identity, especially after Chloe claims she’ll need them again. (Miraculer)

Marinette sneaks into the boy’s party despite wanting bro time, all because she wanted another botched attempt to confess to Adrien. (Party Crasher)

THAT CREEPY SCENE WITH THE ‘ADRIEN WAX STATUE’. I dont want to talk about it. You know which one I'm talking about. If you don’t, thank god, but IF YOU THINK THAT WAS CUTE IN ANY WAY OR THAT ITS ADRIEN FAULT BECAUSE HE STOOD STILL, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR HEAD CHECKED. (god i still have nightmares) (Puppeteer 2)

Not really a crime, but talking literally all the miraculi when you only needed a few. What would happen if she screwed up and Hawkmot got all the miraculous, or lost a few for the Akuma to obtain? (Kwamibuster)

Marinette (or Lady Noire) being an absolute dick to Misterbug during the entire time they were fighting Reflekdoll, insulting Misterbug for misusing his power when she does the same thing and claiming Misterbugs usual job is ‘easy’. Yeah...no. Fuck you Lady Noire, go eat a cataclysm to the face (Reflekdoll)

Marinette sabotaging Friendship day for Kagami just because she didnt want the latter to see Adrien.. at all. (Ikari Gozen)

Claiming Adrien is a good guitarist when Luka is an actual one. Not a crime, just dumb (Desperada)

Giving a Miraculous to Adrien when she can’t even control herself around him and could be distracted (Desperada)

Being too cute in that picture Marinette and Adrien sleeping together on the train. Yes i know this isn’t a crime, i do like some stuff about her, i just think the pic is really cute. (Startrain)

(Look at it, they’re adorkable. Awww....)

(Wait, aren’t I supposed to be salty?)

NOW, for the biggest crime of them all...

Literally not confessing to Adrien even once. Aside from the fact its turned the ‘romance part’ of the show into a joke, Marinette not telling Adrien the truth already or lying about her feelings is the reason we have the ‘Marinette is just a good friend meme’. No wonder he thinks you are ‘just a friend’. THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE BEEN TELLING HIM.

My evidence? EVERY SINGLE EPISODE!!!

...

Ahhhh. Much better.

Well, now that I have successfully gotten rid of all that anger and salt and manifested it into a physical memento of my anger for this show and its main character, I’m going to relax while people get mad and triggered that I insulted the ‘Perfect Marinette’ and leave me angry messages. For all those that listened and don’t hate me or even agree with what I have said, thanks for reading my large amount of vented writing. I hope you have a pleasant day.

Let's hope for season 4 of Miraculous to be better now that Zag is back. The fandom knows we don't need another salty season.

#Miraculous Ladybug #Season 1 to 3 #ML salt #A lot of salt #Marinette salt #Probably a lot of Marinette hate #AND FOR GOOD REASON #A bit of writer salt as well #A lot of ASS-truc Salt #Miraculous Ladybug salt

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autumn-foxfire · 4 years

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Time for a dabi ask that isnt complaining or a meme :0

What kind of kid do you think Touya was?

I see most of his potreyals being as a brave selfsacrificing big brother that tried his best to protect shouto n that cared a whole lot about his siblings and mother. And while i think part of that must be true and i dont belive he was mean to his siblings because from the way they speak about him it seems obvious that they cared about him a great deal, i still doubt that he was ever 10/10 perfect big brother.

Mostly because i dont think that naturaly translates into who he is now.

Its basiclly touya whos motivation was to protect his family growing up into dabi whos motivation is to kill endeavor it just doesnt add up.

If his motivation was to protect his family i would think the first logical step there would be to seperate them from endeavor. N theres a bunch of villanous but with good intentions stuff he could do there like kidnapping rei from the hospital to get her somewhere he considers safe or trying to talk his siblings into joining him but aside from mocking shouto he never seems to make any effort to contact the rest of his family at all. Hes souly concentrated on endeavor so its hard to imagine his motivation is anything more than pure revenge. Like i jist dont think good big brother touya would up and abandone the family, let them think hes dead and leave then to deal with endeavor alone. Like ye if he was abused he would want to get out but people who are together with people they love in an abusive sittuation will rarely be willing to just leave those people there to their abusers while they get to safety. And then especially not go back to check in or try to get others out for 10 years or so.

Like i dont think touya was a bad kid but i think he was the quiet sort who just let everything pile in until it suddenly exploded. I feel he was a kid who internelized too much and ran on nothing but anger n vengence alk the way to today.

Idk i really hope horikoshi explores this cuz i really want to know how touya turned into dabi

I honestly have no idea what Touya was like when he was a kid. I have some headcanons but Horikoshi could prove them all wrong (which, well they’re headcanons so it doesn’t really matter but it can be annoying when you develop an image for a character due to lack of information but then the author finally develops them and it turns out all your headcanons were wrong *lmao probably what happened with Hawks and Dabi but people are too stubborn in letting go of their headcanons*).

We saw him playing with his siblings in Shouto’s flashback so I would say that when he’s around his siblings he’s at least friendly and kind towards them but how he holds himself in that (awful) family picture of the siblings (which I think is Endeavor’s flashback) is really interesting. It’s a common pose that you see in shy and anxious children, holding your hands in front of yourself with your hands linked. However that could also be because they’re looking at Endeavor (in fact all the children seem closed off and wary in that picture, so that’s probably the case).

Natsuo also revealed that Touya used to tell him things (if I recall correctly) and judging from how Natsuo speaks, it was probably Touya sharing his feelings and opinions on Endeavor or sharing with him the abuse either he went through or what he saw Shouto go through. Though cause we have no idea what Touya would tell Natsuo, this is all a complete guess.

My guess is something similar to yours. Touya was a quiet kid who was friendly and kind to his siblings and would internalize everything (eventually spilling what he was thinking to Natsuo from time to time when it came too much). His injuries as Dabi seem to mostly be self inflicted due to his quirk but considering we know Endeavor turned all of his attention towards Shouto, I doubt he spared any time to train Touya (especially considering his body couldn’t handle his quirk). I don’t know why he would but I think Touya tried to train his quirk and he lost control (hense why Endeavor admits to Natsuo that “he might as well as killed him” due to the fact that his desire for his children to follow in his footsteps that could have caused Touya to use his unstable quirk), either because he wanted to help Shouto and save him from Endeavor’s abuse or because he wanted his father’s attention (or a mix of both). Either way is tragic really.

Whatever happened to Touya jaded him towards his family though considering that, as you pointed out, he hasn’t tried to contact them or save them from the abusive situation he would have escaped from. He just seems wholly intent on getting revenge for himself and even seems to projecting some of that hate onto Shouto (considering how coldly he acted when he confronted him during the forest training camp). I don’t think Dabi is thinking about protecting his family, he just seems to be wanting to get revenge for himself (though he might potentially be delusional and think his actions will protect his family, though I doubt it).

#bnha #bnha dabi #dabi #bnha touya todoroki #touya todoroki #thanks for the ask!!#thegaygyrus

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halorocks1214 · 4 years

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the law of action

AO3 Link

Word Count: 10100

Summary: The Law of Action must be applied in order for us to manifest things on earth. Therefore, we must engage in actions that support our thoughts, dreams, emotions, and words

Previous Parts (in order): Alan | You are here! | Virgil | Scott | Gordon

these just keep getting longer fellas i dont understand how thats possible but it is. ALSO: REMEMBER IN ATTRACTION WHEN I MENTIONED THAT THESE WERE BEING WRITTEN OUT OF ORDER. HA, UH, KIND OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT I GUESS. but its here! johns pov chapter! im pretty satisfied with it, albeit a few kinks i wasnt really able to work out, so i hope you enjoy it too!

thanks again to @gumnut-logic for the prompts! "Where?" and lightning were this fic's choices. sad to see the last ones go away, but this was still a blast so thank you once more! also, just because the prompts are gone doesnt mean this series will be too ;3

Anger was a rare emotion for John Tracy.

It had to be. When dealing with the cold hard truth of data telling them something wasn't possible or dealing with annoying people who thought they knew better than him or dealing with people panicking in his ear because nobody expected the aftershock of an earthquake to be that bad, he didn’t have a choice. There were a lot of deals in life that had to be made and someone needed to play peacemaker, even if it wasn’t deserved.

It was true that he got the least angry out of his siblings, even compared to Virgil. Virgil might not get necessarily violent like Scott did, or threw caution to the wind like Gordon, or, hell, pulled off whatever John does when someone somehow manages puts him in a bad mood, but Virgil did get angry quite a lot. He just didn’t have as many blatant ways of showing it. John, on the other hand, didn’t have a lot of ticks. Pet peeves, definitely, John was no stranger to annoyance (especially with siblings like his), but not outright anger.

That didn’t mean he never got angry. He was Tracy born and bred, so that meant one the few ticks he did have surrounded the topic of family.

Specifically, his family being threatened.

John wished he was the youngest sometimes. That meant he could say things like let Scott punch the idiot already, he’d be doing the world a favor, and not get lambasted for the immature response. It also meant he could throw tantrums to hell and back and not feel like a total loser.

Like right now for example.

“EOS, I swear, if you don’t open the elevator door for me--”

“No, I won’t.”

Unbelievable.

Groaning and rubbing his face, his hands found their way up to his forehead and through his hair, holding his bangs out of his eyes for a moment. His eyes had many emotions in them, the most blatant being this shit cannot be happening right now, “EOS, do you know you’re amazing? I don’t think I’ve said that enough.”

EOS whirled for a moment, “John, I’ve seen that grin on Gordon. I cannot believe you would stoop that low.”

The grin she pointed out fell flat off his face, “Yeah, okay, you’re right about that--”

“Like I always am.”

“--So thank you,” John was going to strangle whoever defined sass so thoroughly in the dictionary. It left a bad example, “For the reminder, but seriously, I need to get up to ‘Five. It’s… important.”

It’s been a week since Alan was taken.

They’ve exhausted all options.

The only thing that could possibly get him back to them had to be International Rescue’s resources.

But EOS over here wasn’t getting the memo. Her words had that hint of childish innocence behind it. In that way that said there was no innocence whatsoever and she knew exactly what she was doing, the little shit, “John, do you really need to, or do you want to?”

There’s the inflection that John taught her. An inhale through the nose and… Uuuugghh, “EOS, I know the difference between needs and wants, this is definitely a need.”

Another lens blink, another moment of disbelief, “It seems like you have a lot of needs, John Tracy.”

John grimaced and ground his jaw together, mumbling his grievances with the current situation, “Yeah, well, if there’s any trait I truly share with my siblings, it’s that we’re all high maintenance.” His next words were more clear and designed to get the point across, “EOS, I’m not kidding, unlock the door.”

EOS stood her ground, “John, you going up there is one of the most detrimental things to you’re health at the current moment. I won’t let you.”

John threw his hands into the air, “EOS, there’s are whole lotta things that are currently detrimental to my health currently happening, one more thing won’t hurt.”

EOS lens shuttered again and John felt like it was nails on a chalkboard, “You have a point, but I’ve seen you with Scott when he’s in a similar mood. Don’t you tell him he needs to take a moment and think when he gets like this?”

John groaned as quietly as possible. Not too loud, but loud enough that EOS hopefully got the point, “Yes, I do, but I’m not Scott. We are two very different people, you have pointed this out numerous times. We have different ways of handling things, this, and ‘Five is exactly how I can fix this problem.”

That was not how he should’ve worded that. Her lights flickered in sympathy, sympathy, and he knew she finally figured out what John was trying to get at, “John, there may still be a lot I have to learn, but at least I understand--”

“No, EOS!” John snapped before he could help himself. Before she could finish explaining her point of view that was most likely right, but his desperate brain didn’t want to hear it. His brain that was running on zero energy telling him this was taking too long, fix that, “You can’t understand!”

Just like that, John was reminded of why he hated getting angry.

As soon as the words left his mouth, so did the air in his lungs. Through sheer will and determination, the only thing that didn’t leave his body was the little amounts of food he ate over the past seven days, though it really wanted to. He became very pale, and EOS could detect the not-so-trace amounts of fear that fell over his eyes.

Dammit, you idiot. Months upon that past year of work were now going to go down the drain because you blew your lid just this once! First, the call with Alan, now telling the one thing that could kill you in your sleep she’ll never essentially be good enough was--

“I know, John.”

His food came back with a vengeance, but he was bullheaded as hell, and he already caused enough damage. The last thing anyone needed was to clean up vomit. It would’ve been nicer if she got angry at him. He could handle being thrown out into space. He couldn’t handle EOS admitting he was right, least of all over blatantly cruel words.

He channeled the energy his stomach wanted to use into weak words, “E-EOS, I…” What the hell was he supposed to say? Sorry surely wasn’t going to fucking cut it.

Well, whatever he wanted to cut didn’t come up, as EOS continued as if John wasn’t the worst thing on the planet, “I’ve been doing some reading. I understand that I’ll never really understand certain human-based things like you do. You, humans, have gotten close, me being one of the better examples, as long as that’s not considered bragging, but even I’m not at that level yet. But I do at least know you and your habits. I put up with them on a daily basis.”

Because if there’s anything else John needed to fail this week, it was the one promise he made to her. His promise to keep her safe, to make sure she wasn’t treated like a mindless robot by some crazy scientists ready and willing to cut her circuitry wide open like a middle-school science project. While he would never even get close to being a quote-on-quote crazy scientist, never in a million light-years, he surely didn’t follow that middle part of his promise, “EOS, listen, I--”

“Please, John,” and now she was pleading, thinking he was going to ask to use the elevator again. Thinking he wasn’t going to give up, even after all of that. John might’ve laughed if it wasn’t his fucking fault, “I’ll help look for more options if it means you’ll stay here for a little while longer. You should stay with your family. I know how they affect you in those positive ways that you currently need.”

John was abruptly aware of his heavy, almost wheeze-like breathing. If he wasn’t careful, it could delve into one whopper panic attack, which would be so great right now, “Y-Yeah, okay. They probably won’t understand the effects of gravity over an elongated period of time like I do, so I can stay and help with that, at least. Thank you.”

As John turned around, he heard EOS whisper to herself. He could blearily tell it was actually fondness that filled her vocal waves for once, but it still stung regardless, “Idiot.”

Yeah, he really was, wasn’t he.

As he helped look over his Dad’s med-scan with Virgil, when Virgil went looking for something on the other side of the room, his father whispered, “I know this is a bad question right about now, but, is there anything we can do for you? Maybe even I? You look dead on your feet.”

John could only reply to the first half of his father’s statement with a meek, “I don’t know anymore.”

---

16-year-old John Tracy was seated atop his roof, making sure he got the perfect view of the Big-Dipper.

He was hoping to spot a more exciting constellation when he first used his new telescope, but dangit! He was just so excited to get cracking right away! He just got back from his birthday party, Alan and Gordon snoozing in their rooms while Scott and Virgil secretly finished off the cake. That was okay. John was too busy focusing on his new expensive toy to worry about having any more sweets.

His dad could pull some strings when it counted.

Newest model. The only other people who have this baby are scientists at NASA. Happy birthday, John. Sorry I didn’t get you a car like Scott.

Fuck cool cars. John would be on cloud 9 for days with this thing. Scott would call him a nerd for it. Jokes on Scott, he couldn’t zoom about 10 thousand miles into space now, could he?

Right as he nailed it, the world shook. Large arms snaked around his waist and he involuntarily found himself giggling at the contact. As soon as those limbs let go, he blushed at his reaction and cleared his throat. Suddenly, the arms were an entire body sitting down right next to him, speaking with their ever-comforting burly voice, “Hiya, son, I see you just couldn’t wait, huh?”

Rolling his eyes, John turned back into his serious, analytical self once more, “Yup, this thing’s crazy. I’m glad I got out here as quickly as I did.”

Jeff simply grinned. John was always reserved, but Jeff was a good translator for all of his sons, and he could tell that John meant this is one of the best things in my life holy crap, “That’s great to hear. The look on your face when I brought this out of the closet was certainly good enough to last me a few lifetimes.”

John snorted, “I bet it was. I heard Gordon joking about it with Alan. I don’t think I need to see any pictures anymore. I have a pretty good mental image of what I looked like.”

Jeff smiled and sighed, “No kidding. “Like a goldfish with a broken jaw.” Not the most eloquent, that Gordon is.”

Laughter rang out throughout the roof, followed by a few moments of silence. Not awkward, but not really welcomed on John’s part either, “Do you…” Stop it, John, you’re asking for too much, “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

Jeff tilted an eyebrow, “Oh, is it? I guess you would know if something were smart or dumb, so I trust your judgment.”

Dangit, Dad, why are you so manipulative, and why are you so good at it, “I don’t know. I’ve established I wanted to be an astronaut, right?”

Jeff nodded, “Mmhmm.”

John, for some reason, felt like he needed to tread carefully, “You are also an astronaut. If there was any way for you to be able to… could you… could you come up with me the first time?”

Jeff blinked in shock, and before his son could register that as disapproval, “Huh, well, that’s certainly wasn’t what I was expecting. Sure, I don’t see why not.”

Now it was John’s turn to blink, his mouth gaped, “Wait, what? Are you serious? Aren’t there rules for this kind of stuff?”

Jeff shrugged, his shoulders clearly saying rules shmules, “I’m also one of the biggest entrepreneurs on the planet itself, and one of the most renowned ex-astronauts there are. You would not believe the lengths people are willing to go to kiss my ass. Would you feel better if I pinky promised?”

John’s nose scrunched, “You can never truly promise anything, you know.”

His father chuckled, used to his son’s antics. John was reserved, remember, “Well, you boys always credited me with doing the impossible.”

John continued challenging him, “When we were all less than 10, yeah, sure. I think Alan still thinks you can breathe in space. You. Specifically. No one else. I think he said you only wore the helmet to “protect your secret so the evil movie scientists don’t take you away.””

Chuckles turned into laughter and a clap on John’s shoulder, “Well, glad to see I still got the magic touch at least.” That same arm that playfully smacked him was now wrapped around his shoulders, “Just you wait, Johnny boy, if I can’t get on that ship with you, then you bet your ass I’ll at least be the loudest one cheering in the crowd.”

Then, suddenly, John was right, like he always was.

A promise that never should have been made: broken. A wish never fulfilled.

Dad was swallowed up by the very thing John loved.

No more space stories, no more fun moon facts, there was a void in John’s life as big as the galaxy itself, and he wasn’t sure how to walk around it, or God forbid even into it.

He tried to be the healthy sibling about it. He tried so hard. Getting through high school quicker than most so he could just worry about his family. Scott and Grandma were doing their best, and in so many ways, it was enough, but even they couldn’t bear all of the stress themselves.

But then his high school graduation came and Grandma gave him one of the biggest hugs of his and her life and he realized that he would never get one from his father again. His mom leaving this world was already bad enough, but at least his dad was there and knew how to fill in the gap after years and years of his marriage with her. You didn’t marry a woman like Lucille Tracy and not fundamentally understand how the gears in her brain turned lest you were truly insane. Maybe Dad was. Certainly would explain a lot of things from John’s perspective. Certainly would explain why she married him in the first place. Crazy attracts crazy.

Regardless, the one thing closest to his mom’s warmth and care was gone, and if he spent the night of his graduation party quietly sobbing his eyes out while the others slept, well, then he was glad they kept snoring.

Try as he might, he became just as unhealthy and unbalanced as the rest of his family, but he was more subtle about it. His self-destructive ways weren’t bad if other people had them, but when it came to him, oh, he knew it was the worst thing he could do in terms of recovery. That’s probably why the rest of the family didn’t notice (Good). John was smart, he would know better. Yes, he did, which is exactly why he dived headfirst right into it all.

Focusing on college, getting up into the star-filled void closer to his dead relatives as quickly as possible, focusing on the here-and-now to make sure this shit didn’t happen again. Making sure no family went through what theirs did.

And maybe that’s why, why he couldn’t handle the touch of others wanting to comfort him. Because it reminded him too much of what they used to have, of what they used to be. Too many hugs and kisses from others might wash away what his mom’s and dad’s felt like, and out of all the things they could potentially lose from this, those were the worst possible ones.

John was a Tracy, which meant he was stubborn.

He wasn’t going to lose the last few things he remembered about his parents if he could help it.

---

It had been just under a month, and John finally got what he wanted.

And it wasn’t working like he thought it would, if at all.

He’s been on ‘Five for three days, and for just a fleeting moment, it washed away any uncertainty. He felt back in control, if only minorly, and he held the world at his fingertips once more. Too bad the world he wanted to fix was so far away it felt like it was on the other side of the frickin solar system itself.

He promised his family four days at most. Please, just one chance. We won’t know unless we try. He wasn’t sure what cracked them first, them coming upon dead end after dead end, them finally seeing reason behind John’s argument, or if they just got annoyed with the space monitor after endless nagging and relented like tired parents.

The tiny part of John’s mind that still allowed him to joke kinda hoped it was the third option. “Easy child”, pfft. John’ll show them.

Right, right, a clear head, the most focused of IR, he can’t get unfocused or go too far off track. He’s saved many lives throughout his life, all of them thanks to his level head, but right now, he was arguably saving the most important life of all, so that meant he had even more incentive to stay focused.

In fact, he was so focused, he jumped at the sudden, feminine voice filling the room, “John, I found another article I think you would like to see about most common places criminals… John?”

Crap, he was halfway into the fetal position. Slowly uncurling, John nodded, “Oh, thank you, EOS. I’ll start reading it shortly.”

The noise of her lens adjusting sounded throughout ‘Five again, “Of course. Let me know if you would like me to start searching for a different topic, though. There has to be a limit to how many “You wouldn’t believe this” articles one can take, and I think I’m finding it really quickly.”

For the next few seconds, John was suddenly filled with a rush of determination he had been trying to get after their little confrontation in front of a locked elevator door to ‘Five.

She had been helping him out so much the past couple of weeks. Running unnecessary tests for him, searching parts of the web only she could search without getting tracked by some secret mafia, letting him know it was okay if he couldn’t get everything right the first time when two months ago she snapped at him for getting a simple algebra equation wrong due to lack of sleep. She had been especially patient with him recently, even after their little spat in the hangar, and John wasn’t sure how to process it. A tiny part wanted to resort to anger again because he clearly didn’t deserve her, but the more prevalent parts preferred something like depression or even apathy.

She had been making sure his world didn’t spin off its axis, and John couldn’t even tell her sorry until now.

“EOS, I’m sorry.”

She stopped moving, turned around and let her lights blink yellow for only a moment, “For what, John?”

The man in question waved his hands around in front of his face, lost, confusing her more. With a sigh, he explained, “For a lot of things, but mainly from a few weeks back when we had that argument. I said something that wasn’t okay, and I didn’t have the balls to own up to it until now. So, I’m sorry. I crossed a line I shouldn’t have even been near.”

For a little bit, it was quiet. John waited as the A.I. contemplated his words. Then, she spoke her judgment, “Well, I know you are. You haven’t exactly been working off your butt over nothing, right? Plus, reliable sources say one of the ways guilt manifests is anger. I’ve seen that with the rest of your family. It would make sense yours would too.”

John blinked. Part of him was expecting her to not fully understand why he was apologizing, but the other wanted her to just so he could get over this, just so he could let go of even just the teeniest amount of guilt he had, “EOS, anger isn’t a valid excuse. What I said was wrong. I don’t believe those words and you shouldn’t either. The whole point of this partnership is to show you that there’s more to life than just calculations and probabilities. It’s kind of hard to see that when the one person who promised to be different went and screwed it up anyway.”

John hoped EOS was at least questioning things now instead of letting his words go in one ear and out the other. Her next words said she was doing exactly the latter, “Okay. I don’t disagree with you, John, but I don’t know why you’re so hooked on this. I understand. We don’t have to worry about this unnecessarily anymore.”

Yes, you do understand. That’s the fucking point.

They weren’t getting anywhere, yet John didn’t even have the energy to groan in annoyance. He could even get his eyebrow to twitch.

All he could do was simply lean his head back against the wall and let his hair stick up against it like static electricity was flowing through it. The real reason it was sticking up was probably due to a mixture of Zero-Gs and grease from all of the showering he hasn’t been doing, however. His eyes had deep rings around them, and for a second, EOS thought about how relative age could be as a number while John softly spoke, “The Hood was an angry man, too, you know. He felt slighted by our family and wanted us to feel the same. It still doesn’t make what he did right.”

EOS thought about his words before coming to a logical conclusion, “Well, that’s certainly a leap in logic. There’s a big gap between simply yelling because you’re annoyed and literal kidnapping. One gives people a sour mood, the other gives them a significant amount of jail--”

“Yes, EOS, I’m aware of that,” John brought his hand to his face, but underneath it was a grin, telling the world that he was feeling fond exasperation more than anything. EOS was more obtuse than him sometimes. It was one of the few things of himself he wished she didn’t copy so easily. He sighed and brought his hand back down, “I’m just... putting things into perspective. I want you to see why my words were wrong. It would make me feel better if you did.”

EOS hung still, letting John’s admission roll over her wiring like a wave of electricity, “You have a lot of needs and wants. What takes precedent?”

More inflection. This time, John welcomed it. It gave him something to stand on. John wanted a lot of things. Alan to be home safe and sound, Dad to have not disappeared for nearly a decade, for his brothers to stop slowly killing themselves, for himself to stop, but the needs of the many, even the needs of one, outweigh the wants of a singular man like him, but, “Well, needs obviously, they’re necessary, however… it’s okay to be selfish every once in a blue moon. It doesn’t make you inherently bad.”

It was advice he parroted many-a-times to his family, some of them more often than others, seldom to himself if at all.

Scott, it’s okay if you have to tell them you can’t make this business conference.

Virgil, you can count inventory in the morning. You didn’t get any sleep last night either.

Gordon, if you can’t smile for a day or two, that doesn’t make you a bad person.

Kayo, you don’t have to patrol every night. We have security cams for a reason.

Alan, I know we tease you, but you missing a chore or two isn’t the end of the world.

Grandma, you already do enough for us, you barely cooking for us is the least of our worries.

That last one might be more for the rest of his family than not, but hey, two birds and one stone. Keeping his back against the wall, John stood up straighter against it, face suddenly serious, “In fact, wanting to be selfish is one of the best ways to tell that you’re human. You can’t escape it. It only becomes bad when you end up only being that.”

EOS sat in silence, her lens flickering in that way it always does when she was signifying she was about to pass judgment like a Goddess, which she seemed to be doing a lot more recently, “Well then… If I’m allowed one moment of self-reprieve, I suppose I should say that those words did… hurt.”

John grimaced despite very much understanding that he deserved it. The return of the inflection didn’t exactly help. Pushing himself away from the wall, he felt the metaphorical weight fall off his shoulders, “Yes, they did, and while they weren’t okay, it is okay to say that they weren’t. I still am very sorry.”

EOS adjusted her camera, probably to stall for time, “I know you are, John. I still forgive you, but am I correct in assuming I’m allowed some time to… recover isn’t the word I’m looking for, but--”

“Yes, EOS,” John helped her explain her own point, “Recover is a good word. You’re allowed that if you want it.”

John wasn’t sure how, but it seemed like EOS visibly relaxed, “Thank you, then, for letting me do that. This.”

For some reason, John did too, “Of course.”

It was a soft kind of awkward silence, where both parties had something on their mind but they weren’t entirely sure if they wanted to say it out loud. This is why EOS appreciated John more than the others, he simply let silence be silence. It allowed her time to think, unlike how Scott and Virgil kept asking questions, or how that awful duo made noises and messes only to have a chance at making people laugh. As if that was the most important thing they needed to do.

The nights the youngest called John were endless with his constant babbling that tended to grate her circuit boards. The only reason she let it happen was that John seemed to loosen up at the interaction. He became less weary, less worried-filled. He seemed to greatly enjoy the audial presence of Alan Tracy, let alone the way he lit up when the youngest actually showed up in person. It was just unfortunate that it seemed like the kid could never keep his mouth shut.

Then again… from what John said, the whole reason there wasn’t any more Alan was because he did keep it shut. At the worst moment possible. Now there wouldn’t be any more babbling period. Alan was gone, and the whole family was suffering from the new silence. EOS reasoned it was from the general idea of forced silence instead of just freely being able to leave the room or being able to tell him to quiet down, but maybe it was more than that. She could make another list of options to consider.

Plus, it was weird to think about a future where all of those video game walkthroughs she was forced to save would never be used again. John insisted that they weren’t just wastes of megabytes, so...

Hmm.

“Could you…” EOS trailed off, and before John could comprehend the unusual behavior of the A.I., she started speaking again, “Could you tell me more about Alan? I’m starting to think I judged him rather harshly.”

John took a moment to register her words and promptly snorted, “Well, most of your assumptions about him aren’t entirely unfounded, but that’s one of the joys of being an older sibling, I guess. Surprises around every corner,” there was regret in her voice and John knew he had to treat this as gently as he would a newborn child otherwise he would never hear it again.

EOS flickered, “I thought you didn’t like surprises.”

Uh, “Well, not usually, but there are a few from time to time that I could look back on and call them… quaint, in a sense.” Suddenly, a memory resurfaced, and John found himself grinning like he was doped up on nitrous oxide, “Yeah, they can have good surprises occasionally…”

It was a week before his next rotation. Scott would be back home in about three days, which allowed the second born to actually have a few moments with his only older brother. He was looking forward to it just as much as Scott was. Right now, though, he had to make sure he got the right angle.

Right as he did, he heard the soft pitter-patter of footsteps come up the ladder, and when he turned around, he was met with a bundle of freckles, “Oh, hey Alan.”

Hi, Johnny, the kid squirmed out, Is it okay if I sit next to you?

At first, a list of things wanted to fill John’s head. You look dead on your feet, you should be asleep, you have a lot going on this week so why are you wasting sleep? but instead of any of those filling the void that was his brain, John simply nodded, “Yeah, sure, come pop a squat, Sprout.”

John looked away right before he could watch Alan’s nose wrinkle in displeasure. Despite the usage of the nickname (that Alan secretly liked, don’t think you could pull that wool over our eyes, little bro), the kid still toddled over and flopped himself down right next to his older brother. Sighing, the kid leaned his head on John’s arm and absentmindedly stared out into space, both figuratively and literally. Satisfied his brother was comfy, John went back to his current objective.

As John examined the night sky, he also carefully looked over Alan out of the corner of his eye. Every bruise that John could see was finally dulling out into that familiar greyish-yellow as bruises do, and the sight was enough to calm any negative emotion being created from the reminder. John refocused on his telescope to help as well.

The kid had been through one hell of a week, bullies being their typical selves. Every Tracy outside of Scott and Gordon had their fair share of their own experiences with nasty people, and it wasn’t even the first time they’ve left their special kind of blue-and-black marks, but seeing it on Alan was… worse, somehow. Virgil had unsavory anonymous notes at ‘best’, and John knew first hand that their hits bruised more than just physical skin. So to see Alan get the same treatment and not say anything...

John was starting to understand why his older brother greyed so easily.

Speaking of which, Scott was pretty peeved at the idea of not being there for Alan. Because of this, John made sure to be the sole one to call him and inform him of the awful news while the older brother was out at his designated Air Force base. John wanted to see with his own two eyes that Scott wouldn’t do anything rash and made himself liable to be put on some kind of list.

You would think he wouldn’t be that stupid, but the Tracys are known for breaking expectations over their sweet, sweet kneecaps.

(“Scott, you’re not going to steal an Air Force jet just to come and beat up some dumb kids.”

“Watch me.”

“They’re only a year older than Alan.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

John pinched the bridge of his nose, “Listen, we already scarred them enough as it is, let alone their expulsions. Grandma’s threats to the adults were liable for a government-mandated therapist, Virgil just being there had them running for the hills, the computer I was sporting sent chills down their spines and throughout the hallways, and that’s not even to mention Gordon’s threats to the kids themselves. Seriously, where would a 15-year-old even get the tools to do that?”

Scott visibly relaxed at John’s point, but he still sat a little taut, not fully accepting the idea of people being cruel enough to hurt a literal ray of sunshine, “Fine, fine, I still want to talk to the kid over a call at some point. He was the one who dealt with those idiots.”

John’s shoulders deflated, “Yeah, you got me there. He’ll be back with Virgil and Gordon soon enough, you can see him then.”

Scott smiled in a way that washed away the greys in his hair, if only for a moment, “Awesome, I--”

John wasn’t completely done, “But I’m going to be with Alan while you talk to him. I don’t trust you to not be in search-and-destroy mode, and the last thing Alan needs is an angry you with no buffer. Besides, I’m pretty sure we have the same questions. I can play the angsty-Scott translator tonight. Usual fee, 10 bucks each word.”

The groan that managed to fill the whole house despite the tiny speakers was one John would never forget.)

Too lost in thought, John didn’t catch Alan’s movements at first. Leaning away from his telescope, John focused on Alan, “Sorry, Allie, did you say something?”

The child simply shrugged and smushed his chubby cheeks against John’s side, shaking his head, followed by his hands, I just wanted to see what you were doing.

Ah, that made sense. Alan had been continuously signing for the past year because of the obvious, so John rolled with the punches. It was always funny when they talked about these years in the future. Alan talked, Alan said, Alan brought up: it was always metaphorical, and nobody could believe them when they said Alan was fluent in ASL, let alone because he could actually go half a day without talking.

It was ironic because even with no words, Alan still managed to be the loudest thing on the planet. His hands always screamed with excitement whenever he felt like ‘talking’, and no brother ever felt like shutting him up. Especially when it was so easy for Alan to simply not shake his hands to hide the fact that he was in trouble--

Right, don’t go there. John shook his head to bring himself out of his thoughts and replied to the non-verbal admission, “Just looking at the stars. Recording their coordinates and whatnot.”

A small gasp had John jerking immediately away from his scope to see Alan suddenly very worried, maybe even fearful, But won’t you lose your eyes?!

Aha, what? “Allie, you’re going to have to give me more than that.”

John almost didn’t catch what Alan was trying to explain with the way he frantically shook his hands even faster than before, Mrs. Gatsen explained to us that the sun was a star too, but we’re not allowed to look at it for too long because it’ll steal our eyes! I don’t want you to lose your eyes, Johnny!

Ohoho, the part of John’s brain that was all about the smartsy stuff was gearing up to have a full-blown seminar of sorts, but the way the kid seemed so sincere in his worry, in his fear, John felt partially bad for giggling instead, “Oh, Allie, no. Here,” John was activating his inner Virgil and Scott with the way he grabbed the youngster and placed him in his lap, “Yes, the sun is a star, but there are many kinds of stars. Most of which don’t hurt your eyes. Take a look.”

Alan gave one last sentimental look at John, who nodded again just to reassure the blonde before the boy gulped and put his eye against the tool like Johnny did. This time, the gasp that came from him was more magical, more child-like, as it always should be. John watched on as the kid became stuck to his telescope like glue.

Suddenly, Alan leaned back into John, somewhat knocking the wind out of him. Honestly, now that he was thinking about it, John realized he was pushing it by letting Alan sit next to him in terms of his personal comfort zone. He loved Allie just as much as the rest of the family, but letting them in, letting them get close, was veering dangerously close to that specific ‘hug’ territory like he and his parents had.

Before John could explain that in a child-friendly way, and hopefully in a way where the too-smart-for-his-own-good kid couldn’t pick up on the hidden message, Alan looked him directly in the eyes and confidently signed his wants, Can we do this more often? Can we?

Just like that, John’s mind blanked. Alan wanted to do something with him. Not swim with Gordon, not music with Virgil, not do, well, anything with Scott, Allie found something that he would like to do with John.

Huh, interesting, “Yeah, sure. If we can’t do it in the next week, then the first thing we’ll do when I come down is stargaze, because that’s what it’s called: stargazing.”

Alan started gripping his arm tighter and leaned more into his chest, nodding vigorously at the news and looking back to the sky with newfound wonder. Letting Alan be, abruptly forgetting his grievances with things like touch, John went back to his telescope. After another minute or so, John reached a point where he needed both sides of his body, except it looked like one of them was going to be kept immobile unless the spaceman said something to Alan.

John tried doing just that, just without looking away from his device, “Hey, Allie, I don’t mind the sitting-in-my-lap and stuff, but I do need my arm back to--”

Snoring.

Oh.

Jerking his head to physically look at his sibling, John found Alan passed out and squeezing his arm like a freckled koala bear. The ginger flinched a little bit at the drool dripping onto his sleeve, but the way Allie melted into him made him-- actually, he was very suddenly aware that this whole night he hadn’t really been thinking at all, and that thought made him continue to stare mindlessly at the dozing brother.

He always thought about, well, everything. What he was going to say, what he planned to do tomorrow, about what the future held now that they were down their second and last parent. If he didn’t think about it beforehand, he rarely did it. He had to make sure he went through all of his options before haphazardly jumping into the pits of hell.

Yet the way his younger brother looked at him like he was the world himself tonight made John throw all of his training to be as cautious as possible out the window in a need to comfort and care for the small thing in front of him.

It was shocking to his mind, yet he didn’t resent just being able to do without worrying too much. Was this how smother complexes started? Did he ever drool on Scott’s arm? Still staring at Alan, John’s mind continued to be robotic as he simply let his younger brother be and went back to his telescope. Alan had been needing to get a little more sleep lately anyway.

Yeah, it was fine. He could figure out how to follow up on his words later. It wouldn’t be that hard to figure out a way to squeeze Alan into some of his already-planned stargazing nights while making sure the kid still got sleep. Also, John’s used telescopes wearing a cast and sling before, he might prefer two arms, but he has been okay with only one.

If Grandma yelled at John for spending too much time on the roof again, well, she would have to get over it. Alan got an extra hour of sleep and that was all that mattered.

EOS watched as John finished the story. Once he was done, he continued to be quiet while grinning at nothing. All he was doing was simply staring at the floor… It was slightly creepy, and EOS cleared her nonexistent throat, “Huh, I didn’t realize he got a lot of his interests from you. Maybe… maybe you could show me why he did. He can too. More perspectives always get more data.”

John blinked and was immediately taken out of his trance. He brought his hand to his mouth and cleared his throat, “Yeah, he-- wait, what?”

EOS sighed. This is another reason why she snapped him out of it; his inability to listen to someone right in front of him. She simplified her words, “If Alan comes back, can you two take me stargazing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen what the stars look like down there, or, at least, I never looked at them long enough to understand what you all find to be so fascinating about them.”

John blinked a few more times with his mouth slightly gaped. He looked around nervously before bringing his turquoise eyes to look EOS directly in the middle of her camera, “Yeah, sure, EOS. When Alan gets back, that’s the first thing we’ll do.”

EOS didn’t mention anything about the correction of if to when, “Thank you, John, I would like that very much.”

John nodded and floated back to his tech, “Of course. Now then, we’ve got work to do. I’ve been meaning to stargaze recently anyway.”

He still had one more day up here.

And a baby brother who needed saving.

How hard could it be?

---

Very.

Growling in frustration, he thumped his fist against the wall next to him rather harshly.

Not enough to leave any kind of mark or dent, but enough for him to focus on the tiny amount of pain it gave him. He vaguely heard EOS’s lens flare at the sudden noise, but he was a little too focused on why he felt the need to hit his girl.

It was the end of the last day, and he didn’t make it any further like he thought he would.

Some bleak part of his mind was hoped, prayed that his girl would have the tools to find their baby brother. He was willing to bend her entire satellite to be able to reach the far ends of the galaxy if he had to, but even he had to concede that she wasn’t enough. The Hood wasn’t dumb, unfortunately, and he wasn’t going to go easy on them. That is if he was even going “to go” on them to start with.

While it wasn’t the first time he failed spectacularly, this failure certainly hurt the worst.

Half of him wanted to curl up into a ball and forget everything for a moment (or maybe forever), but the other half won out in terms of what his body contorted into. Instead of curling up like a prickly hedgehog, he leaned backward to be floating with his back to the ground and his face to the ceiling with his face in his hands. Meanwhile, EOS silently gazed from her camera in the corner. Watching John struggle this way was… new, and it twisted her wires in a way she wasn’t sure she could describe.

EOS watched him mumble something. Huh, peculiar as ever. Adjusting her camera, she tried small talk, “What was that, John?”

Still mumbles, but more intelligible, “... I need to drop the ‘s’.”

A flicker of yellow, nothing but pure confusion for once in her robotic life, “The ‘s’ of what?”

Suddenly, the astronaut was standing (well, floating) upright with a look of disdain, but EOS could see that it wasn’t meant for her, “Of ‘she’. It’s not ‘Five’s fault, God, it never is, but maybe… maybe it’s mine.”

All of her programs should allow her to say something. Anything, sugarcoated or not, would be beneficial to this seemingly one-sided conversation, but this was the moment she learned that humans could be faster than computers since John steamrolled right to the point without hesitation, “He wasn’t good enough sounds better. Nothing I’m doing is getting any results. I gave my family false hope that I would find something and now I have to go to them and essentially break them. They were already barely holding it together as it was, but when the “smart one” in their family says there’s nothing he can do…”

She found herself going against the logical part of her program-- because despite the idiot John Tracy could be, when he made an argument that had any kind of evidence you never could go against it-- the first time in, well, ever, in an attempt to comfort her partner, “John… I think you’re grasping at straws here.”

He looked up from the floor, and EOS had to shrink her lens at the sight of unshed tears in his eyes, “Who was the one that called him?! Me! He was standing there only a few rooms over, probably terrified out of his mind, and I didn’t know. I let him slip between our fingers because I was so caught up in the moment and I hate myself for it.”

EOS found herself speechless for once, and the few droplets of tears that floated in front of John’s face didn’t help. She had been trying her best recently, especially recently, to understand the fluctuations of human emotion, and she was pretty sure she had decent tabs on at least John nowadays, but this was something unexpected, a thing her programming never really liked to deal with. It involved lots of new calculations and new sims, why, it made things seconds longer when they didn’t have the time to deal with it!

Her electronic voice box made a noise with the intent to say something, as she thought she finally had the time to deal with it, but just her luck, more unexpected things made her reapproach the issue at hand, “John, look out! The Chaos Crew!”

Blinking out of his self-deprecation train, John was uncharacteristically panicking, “What, where?” After doing a full 180, John eventually saw one of his comm radios with the familiar pink symbol floating above it.

John’s pupils shrunk and his eyebrows tilted downward in that unfamiliar emotion: anger.

Fuck this.

The mood change was as fast as the speed of lightning. John practically flung himself to the communication device on something akin to a warpath. No longer regretful or depressed, John was filled to the brim with fury at the sight of one of the men that was a constant thorn in the Tracy family’s side, “What the hell are you doing here? How the hell did you--”

“Wait wait wait!” Fuse pleaded, making John momentarily pause enough to listen, “I’m not good at this like my sister is, so this connection is going to drop soon. I need you to reopen the line yourself so I can explain what I’m here for! Trust me, I swear I’m not--”

Zip.

Blinking at the lack of noise, John slowly turned his head to look at his A.I. to get her opinion on the matter. It wasn’t a positive one, that’s for sure. Her dots were bright red, and for the first time in a while, he found himself flinching at the sight and sound of her, “It wouldn’t take much of me to get rid of the nuisance, you know.”

Taking a few deep breaths, John shook his head, “No, EOS, give me a sec. Don’t send him careening into space.”

Yet.

With shaky hands, John did as Fuse begged and found the comm line the guy haphazardly threw together. Right as Fuse jumped at the sight of one of the Tracys actually hearing him out, John’s voice spoke coldly, “You have five minutes. Go.”

Fuse gulped, “W-Well, I suppose the first thing to do would be to apologize. I’ve caused a lot of messes for you and your family-- heh, ‘messes’ probably doesn’t even come close to explaining what I did-- and I realize that now, so I want to--”

Ah, that tactic. The one where they try so desperately to seem like they were repentant. John wasn’t familiar with it, but Scott sure was. Shady business owners trying to shy away from their consequences made the eldest very aware of how slimy those in power could be. Scott complained about it a lot, so John made sure to always remember it just in case he ever ran into it himself.

Preplanning wins again in the Tracy household. You should listen to John’s advice more, Gordon, “Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.” John muttered mostly to himself and moved in a way that signified something was going to happen.

Fuse sputtered and stopped immediately. Crap, he was going about this wrong. These were all things he was suddenly genuine about, he really was, but the Tracys didn’t want useless apologies at the moment, and he understood that. Hopefully, he didn’t understand it too late. Right before John could do anything to him or give any kind of command to his satellite, Fuse blurted the information he should’ve said the first place, “I know where he is!”

John felt like the Earth flew right off its axis.

Everything froze, including EOS. His hand was out in front of him for some reason, probably subconsciously reaching for some kind of button, as he absentmindedly listened to the whirl of ‘Five and his brain fully processed what Fuse was promising, “... What?”

John was keenly aware that sounding so weak, so hopeful, was something that Fuse could spinelessly abuse if the man wanted to, but John had a good lie detector. The words that fumbled out of half The Chaos Crew’s mouth were sounding good, great, and John could tell that he wasn’t bullshitting anything, “I know where he’s keeping your bro. I mean… shit, what The Hood did wasn’t right, maybe it never was, but I know this specifically is--” a break in his speech in an attempt to words things better. Fuse failed, “Bad. I just…”

John’s head involuntarily tilted at the way Fuse trailed off. For once in his life, John was at a loss. This was highly uncharacteristic from what John had seen of The Chaos Crew, and the astronaut was so flabbergasted he couldn’t even begin to come up with any possible ulterior motive behind Fuse’s actions at the moment.

Suddenly, Fuse looked back up with big eyes, almost reminding John of Alan a little bit. Not in the obvious ways, because Fuse was on the verge of seven feet tall and built like a truck whereas Alan was the teeniest thing on the planet, but… John could see similar traits of innocence in them. The eyes of someone desperately clinging onto the last few shreds of hope they had, but still ready to do what's right because of it. Because even if the light at the end of the tunnel was small it was still worth fighting for.

Fuse, seeing that John wasn’t going to say anything, bit the bullet, “I don’t know, call it selfish, call it smart, but if The Hood is willing to do something like this to someone so young, I… I don’t want to be apart of it. I can’t give any information about my sister, I’m no snitch, but I want out, even if it means spending the rest of my days in a GDF cell.”

John was suddenly aware of a burning question, “Wait, how old are you, Fuse?”

A tired sigh, aging Fuse to something that was probably three times what he was going to say, “I turn 20 in two weeks.”

John sharply inhaled, “Jesus, I… I didn’t realize you were that young.”

A lot of things made sense quickly and abruptly like they always do for the ginger.

If The Hood was willing to do this to someone so young, that didn’t stop him from doing this to someone like Fuse. The logical conclusion the now ‘ex-villain’ made probably danced the wildest jig in his head, and before anyone could clap their hands, he got as far away as possible. John wouldn’t be surprised if The Hood made idle threats for not following orders or for “being stupid”, so Fuse had every right to feel threatened.

Jeez, he was probably terrified at the implication. A dark, buried part of John selfishly thought good, it sucks you had to learn the hard way, but now you see why we all hate him, but the first thing that came to his mind was something unexpected yet expected all the same.

John was reminded of Alan again.

Except Alan had four older brothers to run to when the monsters got too big or too frightening.

…

Scott was going to kill him, “Park her over on the left and come in. We’ve got a lot to talk about. Bring inside whatever you think will help.”

EOS’s shrill John! ringed throughout the room, yet it was overruled swiftly. Fuse’s mouth was wide open, “For real?”

John couldn’t tell if he was losing the knots in his stomach or forming completely new ones, “Yes. Don’t do anything funny, though. I have eyes everywhere.”

Fuse gulped again, yet he was very business-like with his next words, “Of course.”

The line cut a millisecond before John wanted it to. John knew exactly why, “Listen, EOS--”

EOS was suddenly in his face, and it spoke miles at how far she’s come that she wasn’t blaring any alarms in anger, “No, you listen, John Tracy. I cannot believe the level of ignorance you are displaying!”

Gordon always joked about her being his daughter, but right now, John’s eyebrow twitched in annoyance at the feeling of being scolded by an overbearing mother, “I get this may seem like I’ve lost it--” jokes on EOS, who says he hasn’t at this point? “Listen, there’s nothing else left to go off of, and I know this makes me look like a crazy man desperate for information that might not even be there, but--”

“No buts!” EOS shrieked, “You told me that if you followed a sentence with a “but” that what you were about to say shouldn’t even be considered an option! What is making you throw all of my training out the window?!”

John’s mouth became very dry. This conversation was taking a very different turn, “Wait, EOS, why is this all about you suddenly--”

John was starting to regret giving her more mobility at the sight of her jamming her camera directly in his face even more, “It’s not just about me! This affects you too! You said you always based your decisions on the here-and-now, so I should too, so why am I the only one doing so?! You’ve seen what he’s capable of!”

John’s mind tended to be made of gears, and all of them began spinning at the same time. Dammit, he didn’t pick up on this because he didn’t even consider it a factor: EOS being scared. Hell, it wasn't even considered because the last time he remembered her being this scared was when she thought he was a threat during the first time they met (was it really that long ago?). She was scared that Fuse was going to hurt John like he hurt the rest of the astronaut’s family. Like he hurt Gordon.

The only difference is that nobody could get to John like they did Gordon, so that left the ginger at an impasse if the small chance that Fuse was here to hurt him came true.

John found it very hard to breathe all of a sudden. Closing his eyes and struggling to get enough air in, he realized a fundamental problem. EOS was based on data and things that have been recorded, and so far, the only things recorded about Fuse was that he was hellbent on hurting the Tracy family, a family that John was apart of.

She didn’t know any other way to feel about the guy, she didn’t have any other example.

John would love to be that way too, honestly, to just focus on the data. Numbers never tended to be wrong, and the idea of being a simple number-crunching bot would make life a shit-ton easier, but he can’t. He’s human. One that’s very much willing to go against the numbers and probabilities if it meant helping his family.

A rarity for John, to follow his gut and nothing else, but at the end of the day, he was a Tracy, and following his gut was as familiar to him as it was to name all of the immediate constellations in the summer’s nighttime sky, “EOS, I know it’ll be hard to believe me, hell, I’m having trouble believing myself, but Fuse isn’t here to hurt me. The here-and-now is different for reasons I don’t have enough time to properly explain, okay? If there’s anything to believe, believe in the trust you have in me to make the right decision like I always do.”

EOS made no noise, not even a flicker of her lens. He expected her usual sass, something along the lines of, Who says I trust you, moron? but what he got punched away what little air he managed to collect, “... Do you promise?”

That was the million-dollar question. Of course, he couldn’t. He didn’t like making promises after the age of 12. Too many probabilities, too many what-ifs, made promises somewhat of a theoretical impossibility. But just like that night on the roof with Alan, John was able to not think, “I promise, EOS. You wanted to go stargazing with me and Alan, right? Fuse might be able to let us do that again.”

‘Family’ was a Wild Card. Nothing was possible, yet everything was at the same time when it came down to it. ‘Family’ was what made Scott go from day to day without keeling over. ‘Family’ was what got Virgil to sleep at night when he just couldn’t by himself. ‘Family’ was how Gordon managed to keep smiling and joking despite everything in the world trying to make him stop. Hell, ‘Family’ was how their father kicked the word impossible right in the groin and live.

‘Family’ might have been why Alan was stuck in such a shitty situation, but it was also the reason the kid was willing and able to go that far in the first place. He learned that selflessness from his ‘Family’, after all.

John was intent to use that fact to the fullest.

EOS’s lights blinked in contemplation before she quietly spoke once more, “Do I have permission to shock him if he makes even the slightest suspicious movement?”

John rolled his eyes yet grinned all the same, “Sure, only just a little voltage, though. Right in the ass. Would be a nice pick-me-up after all of this.”

Well, despite the year they’ve had, John wasn’t aware EOS could snort. Another sign things might be going right for once.

The door swwwshed open and Fuse floated into where the two hyper-intelligent beings were hanging about and got straight to the point, “Thank you. I hope… I hope I don’t let you down.”

John found himself light as air, and it wasn’t just the zero-gravity this time, “Sounds good. Let’s get cracking.”

While the first thing he did back on Earth was scare his father and his immediate younger brother shitless, the way they and the rest of the family lit up at the plan he and Fuse came up with (after making sure nobody killed the dude, which was surprisingly more difficult than expected, and boy was it expected) made it all worth it.

Well, maybe the sight of Fuse occasionally jumping and yelping at a strange pinch in his bottom with no known cause was worth it too. John wouldn’t tell his brothers that, though, he was the responsible one, remember?

You always made me look at things differently, EOS. Thank you.

#fabfivefeb #fabfivefeb2020 #thunderbirds #thunderbirds are go #john tracy #alan tracy #eos #fuse thunderbirds #jeff tracy #my post #my fic #series: rules of alchemy

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thechangeling · 4 years

Text

For better or worse, I am alive.

So basically my brain is being a jerk again and making me suicidal. So I decided to repost this.

Set after QOAAD.

Sometimes mornings just hurt.

Kit had no explanation as to why.

There were just days when he opened his eyes and the burden of the day ahead was simply too much to bare.

Today was one of those days.

I'll just sleep for a few more minutes. I just need a little more time. Just a little longer.

Then five minutes would become ten and ten became twenty and suddenly a whole hour had gone by. The heaviness in his heart growing by the second.

Expectations hurt.

Like the way Tessa looked at him sometimes with a glowing smile. Like she was seeing someone else through him. Caught up in her own fond memories. Wanting him to be like the Herondales she lost.

Be brave and strong. Be the perfect warrior like Jace or a hero like Will. Everyone's counting on you. Don't be weak.

Don't be weak.

Herondales weren't weak.

Kit wished he didn't view his feelings as a weakness. He wished he could give himself the same love and empathy he felt for Ty.

But he just couldn't.

Logically he knew that just like Ty's autism, his feelings which seemed to be symptoms of depression, were beyond his control. And yet still he could hear those harsh, jagged words forming in the back of his mind.

Weak. Pathetic. He doesnt love you. He never will.

No one loves you.

It was moments like this when Kit remembered what Julian had said to him about Ty's differences.

There are shadowhunters who can barely get out of bed and there are shadowhunters who find that the words float off the page when they try to read. The clave is aware of these things, but they push these people into the background. They're considered the dregs of the nephilum community. I never wanted that for Ty. They can never know.

The dregs of nephilum community.

No one would have dared to imagine that a Herondale could be one of those people. Different. Not at all falling into their little cooker cutter idea of a perfect angelic warrior.

It was the same kind of thinking that led most people to assume Kit was straight. No he couldn't possibly be "like that".

Fucking small minded babies. All of them.

Memories hurt.

Memories of Ty's smile, his laughter and all his quirks.

Then the memories of Ty raising Livvy from the dead. Pleading with him. Telling Ty that he loved him. He knew it was a bad idea and he knew Ty wouldn't say it back and he knew he was being pathetic and selfish and now he was sinking again.

Kit never really knew what it was like to be loved. He never had a mother growing up and looking back on his relationship with his father, he was almost positive that he had never really loved Kit. At least not the way the Blackthorns loved each other. He shouldn't have let himself crave Ty's love. It would never happen

However, he still let himself hope. Maybe this time things could be different. Maybe this time the pain wouldn't win. But it did. It won in the form of anger. Kit allowed the darkest parts of his mind to transform the heartbreak into anger.

Anger was easier. Anger hurt less then the truth.

I wish I never met you.

A fucking lie.

I love you. I need you. I feel like I'm drowning, I've been drowning my whole life and you're the only thing that makes it better. Things don't hurt as much when you look at me. I'm sorry I know you're dealing with a lot but I need to talk to you. I need to talk to someone.

No. He could never say any of that. He couldn't tell anyone.

Kit rolled over in bed and checked the clock on his nightstand.

3pm. Jesus christ.

Pathetic. Worthless.

Kit squeezed his eyes shut and put a pillow over his head.

I can't do it. I can't do anything.

A knock on his bedroom door jolted him out of his thoughts. "Kit?" Tessa called apprehensively, "Are you alright?"

She didn't sound angry or even exasperated.

She sounds worried.

Worry. Pitty.

These were things worse then hostility. It made everything harder.

"Kit? I'm coming in." The door swung open to reveal a frazzled looking Tessa. Her brown hair had been tossed up in a messy bun and she wore baggy excersise clothes to accommodate her rather large baby bump. Any day now Tessa and Jem would have a child of their own. They probably wouldn't want him around any more.

"Sorry, you didn't answer me" Tessa spoke tentatively, almost as if she was afraid to break him. "Its been one hell of a day. Jem and I are trying to finish the nursery."

Kit looked down avoiding her eyes. "I'm sorry" he breathed out, unable to speak any louder then just above a whisper. It would require too much effort. " I just dont feel well".

I just dont feel well.

I think I'm sick.

These are the phrases Kit kept repeating over and over again. Different ways to tell Tessa how he was feeling without actually telling her.

Tessa sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him. "Ok, but it seems like you haven't been feeling well for awhile now" Tessa explained worridly. "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Tessa gave him a comforting smile. Kit was still trying to avoid looking her in the eye.

Why is this so hard? She might understand.

No, She won't. No one will.

Kit could feel his eyes beginning to water. Tessa gently rested a hand on his shoulder. She was biting her lip in contemplation as if deciding what to say.

"Kit listen" she began. " let's say supposedly you had something wrong with your physical health. Maybe a heart defect or a brain tumor or something".

Kit looked up slightly alarmed, "but I dont have a brain tumor?" He cocked his head slightly in confusion.

Tessa looked like she was fighting a smile. "No, but just bear with me here ok?" She pulled her legs up onto the bed so she was sitting crosslegged and then took a deep breath Kit felt the urge to apologize, but instead shook it off. Maybe she wasn't annoyed. Perhaps this was something completely different then Tessa telling him off.

"So, as I was saying" she continued, " if you had something wrong with your physical health you would do your best to seek treatment or talk to a doctor. Right? Or at the very least, you would tell someone".

Kit wasn't sure if he was supposed to answer

"I guess yeah. But I dont get what this has to do with anything" Kit replied hesitantly.

Tessa gently took his hand. " My point is, if you would seek help for a physical problem then why wouldn't you do the same for your mental health?"

Kit inhaled sharply. She wasn't supposed to know. Perhaps he wasn't being as discreet as he thought. His instincts were telling him to deflect or deny it. Do something to make her stop looking at him like that.

But the minute he opened his mouth, he was hit by a wave of lethargy and all that came out was a slow and quiet exhale. Barely noticable to the human ear.

That was all he was capable of managing to defend himself. He was just too tired.

Tessa began to rub slow circles against his back as a comforting gesture. "Hey" she whispered soothingly. "Its gonna be ok. You'll be fine, we can get you help." Kit lifted his lead back up and turned towards Tessa to meet her eyes. " I thought shadowhunters weren't supposed to go to therapy?" Kit asked with a slight hint of hostility. Which he instantly regretted. Tessa remained unfazed and continued to smile at him sympathetically. "Yes well we aren't exactly a part of shadowhunter culture right now, and even if we were, nephilum attitudes towards therapy are something that needs to change as soon as possible." Kit nodded along, behaving almost as if he was in some sort of trance. Not fully processing what Tessa was saying. He could hear her continuing on with her reassurances, making plans and promises. He wanted to be happy someone cared enough to try and help him.

But he just couldn't feel it.

"I dont know" Kit deflected, turning his head away. " I just don't know if it'll help, I feel like nothing I do makes anything better".

Tessa was silent.

Sensing a pause in the conversation, Kit layed back down horizontally on top of the bed. Just talking alone seemed to take a lot out of him. He waited for Tessa to say something but there was only silence.

Silence, and then "you should talk to Will".

Now that defenetly got Kit's attention. He shot back up like a rocket and turned to face Tessa again. At first he thought maybe it was some attempt at humor but she looked deadly serious.

"Talk to Will? How?" Kit asked, furrowing his brow in confusion.

Tessa rolled her eyes fondly while still maintaining a small smile. "Kit, I know you can see ghosts. Every Herondale can. So that means you should also be able to see Will and I think he could help you. He has dealt with feelings like yours before. You could almost say that mental illness might be a bit of a Herondale family trait."

Before Kit could respond. Tessa was standing up. " I need to start thinking about what we're having for dinner later and I need to call Magnus. If you want to talk to either me or Jem, we will be in the living room. But I would reccomend taking my advice." Tessa finished, rolling back her shoulders and shaking out the kinks in her upper back and arms. She started towards the door.

"Wait." Kit called after her. Tessa paused to listen. Kit drew all the strength he had to conjure up a smile. "Thank you."

Tessa returned his smile, "Your welcome sweetheart." Then she turned and disappeared down the hallway.

Kit lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He had a feelings things still wouldn't be easy, but for the first time in awhile he was experiencing something besides the empty blackness. Something completely different.

Hope.

#kit x ty #kit herondale #mental health #the dark artifices #tda #mental health acceptance #mood disorder

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purple-verse · 5 years

Text

Extremely detailed character sheet for Randall

Template found here

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Randall Gaspar Purpura

Reason or meaning of name: My characters tend to name themselves. When I first designed Randall the name just kinda echoed in my head.

Character’s nickname: I call him Rand. NEVER RANDY. dont do that please.

Reason for nickname: Randall is a long name lmao

Birth date: 12/13/73

Physical appearance

Age: 23

How old does he/she appear: i think Randall looks a lot younger and could probably be mistaken for 17-19. he definitely gets carded whenever buying anything adult.

Weight: 95-100 pounds

Height: 5′3″

Body build: Emaciated but with wide hip bones

Shape of face: rounded heart shape?

Eye color: brown

Glasses or contacts: he needs to wear glasses, but can’t find them.

Skin tone: pale yellowish tan with lots of freckles

Distinguishing marks: freckles, rope burn scars on neck, wrists and ankles, deep scars all over body. he has a tattoo in the middle of his back of an eye

Predominant features: biiiiig nose and shark teeth

Hair color: black with a purple sheen (mostly because of grease)

Type of hair: super curly and fluffy if clean, straight with slight curls when dirty

Hairstyle: usually shoulder length and choppy, but sometimes cuts it shorter or grows it longer.

Voice: i always wanted him to sound like Danny Elfman, but I do his voice acting.

Overall attractiveness: not very. I’d give him a 4 outta 10 maybe? higher if you like weird looking guys

Physical disabilities: ulcers, anemia, jaundice, chipped teeth, scoliosis, a mild muscle twitch and migraines

Usual fashion of dress: over sized sweaters (usually striped), black skinny cut jeans, black converse, knee high socks.

Favorite outfit: blue striped sweater, acid washed grey/black jeans, black low top converse, periwinkle knee high socks.

Jewelry or accessories: he sometimes wears a black necklace with an eye that matches his tattoo design and he wears a small black hoop earring in his right ear.

Personality

Good personality traits: He’s rather smart and clever, he gives pretty good advice, hes very loyal and will go out of his way to do whatever he can for friends.

Bad personality traits: He has anger issues, night terrors, delusions, gets VERY possessive of people he likes, can get violent, has violent alters he can’t control.

Mood character is most often in: if on meds hes usually in a dissociative calm state. off his meds hes quite irritable unless he’s smoking.

Sense of humor: he’ll tell corny jokes or puns sometimes, but has a hard time picking up when others joke with him.

Character’s greatest joy in life: eating pizza while watching a romcom and listening to his favorite music.

Character’s greatest fear: being yelled at

Why? bad childhood

What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? uuuuh? i guess going off his meds didnt go great coupled with a new friend and having a crush on someone.

Character is most at ease when: listening to his headphones and writing

Most ill at ease when: people are yelling at him or he has a lot to do in a day

Enraged when: woken up badly, when he thinks the people around him hate him or are ignoring him

Depressed or sad when: being ignored or nothings on tv

Priorities: just getting through life

Life philosophy: reincarnation might be real and he hopes itll be better next time

If granted one wish, it would be: not being ill and finding love

Why? it causes most of his turmoil and its really hard for him and he just wants to be loved like he never was

Character’s soft spot: people being nice to him, being asked about his hyper fixations (hes usually too shy at first to talk much, but if he trusts you and you get him going he doesnt shut up)

Is this soft spot obvious to others? YES

Greatest strength: he has a lot of surprising physical strength (it wouldnt look like it), he has a pretty strong will too all things considered

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: his own mind, overthinking, moths (the guy)

Biggest regret: he missed his chance with someone he was really close to before he went to the hospital (Leon)

Minor regret: burning his pizza in fall of 1992

Biggest accomplishment: he used to write and actually wrote some small short stories that were published in magazines

Minor accomplishment: not burning his pizza in the winter of 1993

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: he was removed from school a lot growing up til he was expelled and “homeschooled” (it was just him reading all the curriculum himself).

Why? because its embarrassing to him

Character’s darkest secret: he keeps clothing and (if theyre killed) body parts of people hes infatuated with

Does anyone else know? mya does now

Past

Hometown: LA, California

Type of childhood: very badly neglected and abused

Pets: he had a cat as a child, but they died in an unfortunate accident and it really affected him. his plushie cat was name after her.

First memory: his mom yelling at him

Most important childhood memory: getting his plushie cat

Why: it was his number one comfort item. he still has it but shes really old and worn so he keeps it under his pillow or in his dresser

Childhood hero: he didnt have one

Dream job: when he was little wanted to be a vet, then when he got older he wanted to be an artist, now he wants to be a writer

Education: in and out of elementary, half of middle school and then self homeschooled on his own.

Religion: agnostic

Finances: very very poor

Present

Current location: [REDACTED FOR FUTURE GAMES]

Currently living with: he lived alone til he died

Pets: n/a

Religion: agnostic

Occupation: n/a

Finances: n/a

Family

Mother: Paloma Purpura

Relationship with her: very bad. She was extremely abusive to him in physical and mental ways. Randall was an accident and she blamed him for “ruining her life”. She was a severe alcoholic and would leave him home alone for days at a time sometimes. She had schizophrenia and would take out delusions on him. Moths waited til she was passed out and set the house on fire, using cigarettes to make it appear as an accident.

Father: Byun Ji-hwan

Relationship with him: He died while Paloma was 7 months pregnant with him. He got in a car accident. Paloma loved him a lot and his death made her spiral into a depression, most likely being a big factor in Randall being born premature and with many health problems.

Siblings: he’s an only child.

Spouse: He was in love with his neighbor and only friend, Leon, but he moved away and he never told him how he felt.

He was also briefly involved with his boss, Mort, at the pizzeria. He stalked him and was obsessed with him, but lost touch after he went to the hospital.

He had a crush on his neighbor, Tom, who Moths murdered and kept in his bathtub til mya stopped him.

Other important family members: He has an aunt and uncle on his mothers side who adopted him when his house burned down. They were mentally abusive to him and would have to tie him to his bed when he had night terrors cause he would hurt himself and others otherwise. thats why he has rope burn scars on his wrists and ankles.

Favorites

Color: Red and Blue

Least favorite color: yellow

Music: he listens to a lot of different genres, anything floaty and dreamy or kind of weird. his favorite band is radiohead, he also loves oingo boingo and the talking heads.

Food: pizza. pizza anything, he loves all pizza stuff. he hates burgers though.

Literature: horror novels

Form of entertainment: he likes to watch infomercials on TV

Mode of transportation: he has a purple Ford Escort. he keeps losing the keys so he tends to walk everywhere. does NOT ride the bus if he can help it

Most prized possession: His plushie cat, Shadow.

Habits

Hobbies: watching tv or doodling/writing

Plays a musical instrument? he cant play any instrument, but he likes to sing

Plays a sport? no one would play sports with him as a kid and he doesnt have the stamina, but he enjoys watching winter sports.

How he/she would spend a rainy day: He’d open the window so he can listen to the rain and just relax or write

Spending habits: he barely has enough money to get by as it is, but he likes to buy gas station pizza or candy when he can. sometimes he’ll treat himself if hes really depressed and by some silly little toy or something

Smokes: started smoking at 14, chain smoked until he worked and was irritable alot because the breaks werent enough and then he quit after staying in the hospital. Moths still smokes and Randall will have one if he gets really stressed.

Drinks: Used to drink when he was 16, doesnt like how it makes him feel. Triggers memories of his mom.

Other drugs: experimented with lots of drugs as a teen. tried pills, speed and weed. Stopped doing drugs after 2 years., never did them to excess, just to deal with PSTD.

What does he/she do too much of? drinks a lot of soda and caffeinated beverages.

What does he/she do too little of? eating anything. he tends to forget or is just not up for it.

Extremely skilled at: is actually a really good shot with a gun, surprisingly even without his glasses. hes also really good at rhythm type things

Extremely unskilled at: anything involving other people

Nervous tics: chews on his shirt, picks at his nails or bites his nails, covers his face with his sleeves

Usual body posture: slouches, puts his hands up to his chest with his sleeves covering them. tends to walk fast when in public to get home as fast as possible. (virgin walk)

Mannerisms: shy, twitchy, sweaty, has a stutter when nervous. tends not to be able to make eye contact and looks down or away mostly

Traits

Optimist or pessimist? very pessimistic

Introvert or extrovert? EXTREME introvert

Daredevil or cautious? cautious (moths is a daredevil with no impulse control)

Logical or emotional? tries to be logical usually, but ends up becoming emotional

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? it really depends on what. his self care is messy, but his living space is usually kept pretty clean and minimalist, except for maybe some food wrappers but he picks them up weekly.

Prefers working or relaxing? likes relaxing, but working gets his mind off things.

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? very very unsure of himself

Animal lover? yes, loves all animal esp bugs, rabbits and rats or any creature hated by most people (he relates)

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: hes very self loathing and takes what happened to him personally, feeling like he did something to deserve. that carried on to adulthood and now when something bad happens on accident he thinks he must have done something to deserve it. he finds himself very unattractive and has a hard time looking in the mirror. hates everything about himself.

One word the character would use to describe self: bad

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? he doesnt think he has any

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? shyness

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? eyes

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? scars

How does the character think others perceive him/her: he thinks people see him as a gross person, someone you wouldnt want to go near. and smelly.

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: everything

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: scary and would rather be alone, but wants love and friends

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? absolutely

Person character most hates: his mother, his aunt and uncle and tom

Best friend(s): mya and leon

Love interest(s): leon and sort of tom (it wasnt really reciprocated so hes dead)

Person character goes to for advice: mya

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: himself

Person character feels shy or awkward around: everyone

Person character openly admires: mya (he likes how outgoing and nice she is)

Person character secretly admires: mya

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: leon

After story starts: mya

#ive been working on this on and off for a very long time #randall purpura #purple game

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fromthedeskofelizabeththird · 5 years

Text

So Here are the Spoilers -Volume III

AKA I have not been this mad at Cheritz for ages. Let’s deep dive.

Warning: this post contains spoilers and mentions of abuse and p*dophilia.

Also Rika.

So much Rika...

I am mad, yo

Not even mad, I am furious.

As I usually do when I give my thoughts like this, here is what I wanted from V after end and Rika DLC

V moving on with his life and having a happy ending with MC

The RFA healing and also moving on

A focus on MC and V!! And their love???? You know?? The point of him having a route in the first place.

An exploration of Rika’s past and Mint Eye, to fill in all the blanks we have so far

Rika facing justice and seeking redemption.

I’ll be honest.

If you want fluffy V and MC content, go ahead and play the existing ends. The after end is not really about V at all. It’s along the same lines as Secret Ends 02, where your LI isn’t really present and instead dealing with their own emotional turmoil and issues.

And, you know. To an extent I would have been okay with this in V content. V is the leader of the RFA and it would be weird if the fall out from Rika wasn’t even addressed. My beef about this is that we don’t get a secret end 01 where MC and V are together, repairing problems together. We don’t see V at all for 98% of the story. We get more Rika content than V...which is a whole other issue I’ll get to in a bit. Hell...I’m pretty sure we get more VANDERWOOD than V. (Don’t get me wrong...I like Vanderwood, but wtf??)

It’s honestly the same complaint I have for both Jumin’s after end and Valentine’s DLC, where he’s not even present for most of it and it feels like a waste of time and hourglasses. (And at 80 hourglasses per chapter, plus another 100 to unlock both endings, it doesn’t come cheap.)

V and MC’s ‘happy ending’ is an afterthought. V’s entire presence in the after end is an ‘oh by the way, remember V? The character whose after end you’re in I guess???’

Ugh.

Anyway.

It was good to see the RFA healing and moving on. I was so heartbroken by Jumin’s inability to cope with what was going on, even as he took extra care to make sure the rest of the RFA were fine. I loved Yoosung’s anger and conflict over this person he’d admired and respected for so long. I loved Seven’s complete breakdown over the potential loss of his brother.

I loved that they got reunited!

What I didn’t like?

The forcedness.

The after end gives you two choices: Judge or Forgive. I hoped that they would be complimentary to one another, like in Seven’s Valentine DLC, where both were good ends, just different in tone.

Well, boy was I wrong!

From the beginning of the After End, you are pushed towards Forgiveness, with the MC being portrayed as completely unreasonable and borderline hysterical if they show even an ounce of resentment and anger towards Rika. If you go on to unlock the Judgement ending, Cheritz not only spits in your face but every single one of her victims.

There is a short VN sequence called Rika Circus, where you are mocked for essentially enjoying torture porn and wanting Rika to come to a cruel end and suffer a horrible fate. It’s the judgement ending, but you the player are judged instead.

Just getting these screens made me feel physically sick:

I don’t know where to begin with this bs. Maybe with the preface that I am an abuse survivor and pushing the idea that victims have to forgive their abusers in any way shape or form and aren’t allowed to hold even a small amount of anger towards them is completely shameful? This ending literally borders on the same gaslighting logic that if a victim stands up to their abuser they are the shitty one and hyper aggressive. I wish I could explain how bad this ending was for my PTSD.

Actually no. I will explain.

The most important lesson I got from my therapist was how okay it was to be angry, because it was an acknowledgement that I was a victim and my abuser was in the wrong. That I didn’t have to forgive her if I didn’t want to. That it was important for me to feel valid in my emotions.

Maybe what bothered me was the cognitive dissonance (and gaslighting) that an MC wanting Rika to face justice must 100% want her to die or live out the rest of her days being mistreated and even sexually assaulted? Like??? How about no?? Are there no jails in Mysme’s universe? No community service? We know from the Judgement end that she got a life sentence, so it’s not like the MC sentenced her to death.

Maybe it’s because the player is given very valid choices e.g. being suspicious of the cult leader who stabbed their boyfriend and tortured numerous people, but are framed along the same lines as the MC being like KILL HER *knife emoji*.

Maybe it’s because this ending is the first time the player gets close to knowing Rika’s past and then is made to feel guilty about not knowing it?

I just

/inhale

right.

/deep breaths

okay

/breathe

my hands haven’t stopped shaking for hours haHA fuck my life

I can’t help but feel like this after end undid absolutely all of the highlights of V’s route. V only mentions his love being an obsession in the judgement endings.

Actually, all of the RFA’s reactions in the judgement ending are the same as their reactions to finding out the truth about Rika in V’s route. Jumin wants her to have a life sentence despite his conflict about it. Yoosung is upset and mad. Zen wants nothing to do with her.

And this is the ‘bad’ ending.

The forgiveness ending is pretty Rika centric and incorporates V’s good end. The RFA is back to normal, V comes back fine. It’s strongly implied that he and Rika both spent time in Alaska together before coming to propose to MC. Rika, as far as we know, never faced punishment for her crimes, which is framed as a good thing.

Perhaps the most abhorrent part of the forgiveness ending is that it’s the only one where Rika comes forward and confesses the truth about the twins...which... I’m not sure why C&R’s fate, the Chois being safe etc et al comes down to MC’s feelings about Rika. It’s a disservice to Rika more than anything, because it seems like she only comes clean because MC was nice to her and not because...you know.. it was the right thing to do.

And this brings me onto the treatment of Rika in the route and DLC and holy shit, it’s a ride.

No, Rika is not redeemed.

Yes, she is woobified to hell and back and then twice more.

We learn that Rika was adopted by Yoosung’s relatives, who were cruel and devoted to the Catholic church. Later she was verbally abused and assaulted by a priest. She later decided to take power in the fact that people would be afraid of her and thought she was Satan etc.

I’ll be blunt.

Rika’s DLC is just an expensive retcon. It’s seven chapters at 60HG each just to be told that Rika had a sad past and all of her terrible actions came from being treated badly. She does not even get to be held accountable for Mint Eye, because Cheritz gave her a sister who actually was the one to tell her not to trust V or the RFA and poisoned her mind.

Rika does not, nor ever, get a proper redemption because even in her own DLC it’s never admitted that she was in the wrong...which is some bullshit logic because...well..it’s really jarring to have it constantly reinforced that Rika did nothing wrong and should not be judged because of her sad past at the hands of her foster mother with cult-like beliefs... because if we take from it the fact that Rika became essentially the same, by extension shouldn’t we then forgive her abusers because we don’t know their story either? Should we shrug off any notion that the priest should be imprisoned because judging people is bad and we just want him to be tortured and forgiveness is the way to go?

I’m just

I don’t know what I expected but

they still managed to disappoint me

To summarise, the after end is bullshit, V isn’t even there for most of it, Rika gets no redemption arc and is treated like an uwu flower crown victim and it’s all very manipulative and rushed lmao. It’s a waste of hourglasses and time and literally undoes everything good that came before it

#mystic messenger #mysme #not tagging the rat lmao #spoilers #I JUST WANTED V KISSES ON VALENTINES DAY CHERITZ #WHY

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thorne93 · 6 years

Text

Curious Conundrum (Part 6)

Prompt: You’re John Watson’s sister. One day you decide to visit your brother for lunch, only to meet the infamous Mr. Holmes…

Word Count: 2411

Warnings: language, flirtation, sexual innuendos (maybe? idfk), murder/crime/case related stuff, angst, jealousy…

Notes: Beta’d by @carryonmyswansong Not only did she beta, but I literally couldn’t have written half these scenes without her help. She contributed majorly, even wrote some parts of scenes. I am forever in her debt.

Also, this starts AFTER Season 2, episode 1. I don’t follow all the episodes, but it does follow the timeline and hit some major events : )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock had continued his puzzles, his little scavenger hunts all over London, but they seemed to end at the tenth one. Sherlock was probably boring of trying to test you, and you wondered if he was also just boring of your company altogether. But the puzzles had been a gateway to a new night of fun and adventure for the two of you. You’d been to the most incredible places all over London, the last being behind the clock tower of Big Ben.. That was your favorite. Sherlock seemed to be himself there, let his guard down a little.

Although the scavenger hunt wasn’t going on, you seemed to find ways, any way, to possibly insert yourself in Sherlock’s life. Whether it was assisting on the most random of cases, without being invited; or even texting him randomly saying things like “Tell me about your favorite case” “How is the hunt for evidence going?” “Read anything interesting lately?” Just anything to possibly stir some form of communication. He always obliged it seemed, informing you of trivial things he’d read or discovered, updating you on cases, sending you a picture of strangers with a full length deduction on them.

But you began to wonder if he felt the same towards you. You couldn’t get him out of your head, he was like a virus, taking over every thought. Your thoughts of him had turned from mild interest in the beginning to being a full fledged infatuation. You wanted to know him on every level: thoughts, ambitions, drives, curiosities, pleasures, pains, intimacy. You thought of running your fingers through that dark curly hair of his. You thought of placing a chaste kiss to those lips you’d stared at time and time again. You thought of holding him in the late hours of the night. You thought of waking next to him. You thought of knowing him inside and out. You thought of spending the rest of your life with him.

But what good would these thoughts do if he didn’t reciprocate them? So you needed to find out. Was Sherlock interested in you at first because of your deduction skills or was he actually interested in being friends?

You needed to know, and you needed to know now before you wasted time on a man who didn't want you. Texting your brother, asking him to meet you for dinner, you set the plan in motion.

John met you at a restaurant a little bit away from their flat.

“Hey,” he greeted with a smile when he got there.

“Hey. How’re things with...Amanda?” you asked, trying desperately to remember his latest girlfriend’s name.

“You mean Amber?” he asked with a laugh.

“Ah, yes, that one. Well it starts with an A.”

“Uh, good, I think. Nothing to complain about.”

You nodded. “That’s good.”

“Yeah, sorry she couldn’t make it, or Sherlock for that matter.”

“Why would you be sorry he couldn’t make it?” you wondered, curious if your brother had seen through your attempts to hide your infatuation.

“Well I know how you enjoy his company,” he stated casually.

“Yeah, about that...Does he mind my company? Like, does he mind me being around?” you questioned easily, dancing around the corners of this delicate matter.

John looked off, trying to remember if he’d remembered or noticed Sherlock mentioning anything about you. “I don't think so. I think he’s fine with it. I mean, he’s Sherlock, he isn’t exactly shy when he wants people to go away or shut up.”

You nodded your head side to sde. “That’s true.”

“Why do you ask?” John wondered.

“Well, you know, he’s a little hard to get a read on, I just didn’t know if I was being a nuisance or if he was just tolerating me for you or what,” you tried, hoping to not seem too obvious.

He shook his head, still thinking. “No, like I said, he isn’t shy about who he doesn’t like.”

“Oh, that’s good,” you murmured as you looked off, crossing your arms on the table.

“Is everything alright?” he inquired, a concerned look crossing his face as he peered at you.

“Yeah, I just...you know,” you tried, mentally scolding yourself for the terrible brush off.

“No, I don’t. Why are you suddenly so curious in Sherlock?” he asked, a casual curiosity in his voice and face before your eyes slid to his, a little bit of guilt and embarrassment in them. “Oh God...why are you suddenly curious in Sherlock?” he asked again, but this time, it was rhetorical.

“I...”

“Nope. Don’t say it. It’s not true. It can’t be true,” he argued, shaking his head. “God...I knew it. All the signs were there,” he muttered, mostly to himself. “You’re always around, you’re always flirting with him. I brushed it off because I thought you two were just hitting it off in a weird way. He was always asking about you.”

“It’s really not that big of a dea--” you started but John erupted on you.

“For God’s sakes, Y/N! Sherlock? Sherlock Holmes? He is a sociopath for crying out loud! He shoots the wall when he’s bored. He only gets excited for gruesome murders and heinous puzzles. How could you possibly like him?” he demanded, angry with you.

“How could you?” you countered quickly, your tone even.

John’s face went blank at that point. “That’s different. I’m his friend, I’m his flatmate.--”

“Precisely. You moved in together only after a day of knowing him, but I’m a monster for knowing him for a few months and falling for him? I’m only asking to date him, you live with him.”

John stared at you with anger, quiet frustration, trying to think of a way to diffuse your feelings.

“You were taken with him the moment you met him, don’t lie. You and I see the part of him that annoys the hell out of everyone else. You and I find his quirks endearing. We find his abilities uncanny, amazing. To others he’s an arrogant ass, but to us...He’s just Sherlock. You can’t really tell me you blame me for falling for him,” you tried.

“Stop saying that,” he begged as he looked around as if someone would hear some deep dark secret you had. “For God’s sakes. You...you flirted with Sherlock. My sister.”

“Is it really that shocking?” you inquired with your eyebrows raising as you crossed your arms. “Think of everyone I’ve ever dated, does Sherlock really stray from that profile?” you questioned.

John nodded at first, agreeing with you at first, but then shaking his head. “No. No, your past boyfriends weren’t high functioning sociopaths. Y/N, he isn’t like you or I--”

“No, he’s not, that’s what I like. He thinks logically, rationally. He might not be emotional like you or I, but he is incredibly compassionate,” you stated with a smile as you reached across the table and squeezed your brother’s hand.

He gave you a concerned look. “I'm serious, Y/N. He isn't like us. He doesn't feel things like we do.”

You gave him a simple grin. “Oh John, I think you're mistaken.”

“And why do you think that?”

“You told me he once nearly killed a man for laying a hand on Mrs. Hudson. He cares deeply for you, for another thing.”

“That doesnt...it isn't…” he stammered, trying to negate your argument.

You smiled and raised a hand to stifle his bumbling around. “I know it might be awkward, I know it might be weird but this is my choice and I’m going to ask him out whether you like it or not,” you explained firmly.

John shook his head as he peered at you. “No, no. This is not going to go the way you think. He doesn’t believe in love. He has said ‘sentiment is found on the losing side’.”

“He means that for other people. It’s easy to not believe in love until you feel it. I think he feels it when he’s with me. Why else would he act the way he does around me? You said yourself he asks about me, and when have you ever known Sherlock to care about anyone but Sherlock?”

“That’s besides the point. His interest in you is probably purely scientific,” he retorted.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m going to pretend you meant that in a complementary way. But regardless of your protests, I’m going to pursue Sherlock. I’m a grown woman, with my own life, and while I appreciate you trying to look out for me, it’s my heart on the line.”

“That’s what worries me,” he said with a sorrowful smile on his face.

------------------------

It was only the next day that you decided to finally take the plunge. After all this time, after all this pining and stewing, you would finally ask Sherlock out on a date. But first, you wanted something special, something to commemorate the evening. At first you weren't sure what to do, what to get him, but then it hit you. Music. He said it was one of the only things that helped him think.

Now you knew this meant him playing the instrument himself, but maybe he could get some new material. Maybe something even in the background might even help. With that, you went to work. You compiled some of your personal favorite classical music, modern music, music the two of you had heard while you were out on the town. A completely personal playlist.

Removing the thumb drive with a grin, you stowed it in your purse and headed out into the evening. You knew John was on a date, and you were betting on that. You didn’t want his meddling nose in this.

You knocked and Sherlock opened the door, taking your breath away as always.

“Oh, Y/N. I wasn’t expecting you,” he stated.

“Bad time?”

“No,” he said stepping aside to let you in. “Just surprised,” he remarked.

“Really? I’m here almost every other day,” you noted with a laugh, stepping into the apartment.

“Indeed you are,” he muttered.

Your heart was hammering in your chest, you felt light headed. How the hell were you going to ask the most amazing, talented, and intelligent man you’d ever met out? In all your life, you never thought anything could intimidate you. You were never blind sided, but meeting Sherlock, getting to know him...and falling for him, were things you never anticipated.

And now you were actually going to try and ask him out? The man that deserved a goddess? How the hell would this go?

“What brings you by?”

“Well, I thought I’d give you this,” you informed as you pulled the flashdrive from your purse.

“This? What’s this? Oh, a case!” he said excitedly as he nearly ran to his computer and plugged it in. The files opened and you stood next to him with a giddy smile. “Were these...songs playing at a crime scene?”

Shaking your head, you slightly laughed and answered, “No, no. It's a playlist from me to you.”

“You’re giving me songs?” he questioned as he turned to you.

“Sort of...It’s just a playlist of some songs I thought you might like. Maybe new material to learn on the violin. A few of them were songs we heard on the scavenger hunt,” you informed as you sat down on the couch and he turned to face you.

“Ah, I see. Well...thank you, I suppose,” he said with a slight frown.

“You’re welcome,” you said, nodding with a smile. This was it, now or never. Your heart was beating so fast it felt like a hummingbird in your chest, you felt like you were going to be sick, you almost wanted to back out. “So...I was thinking maybe...we could go to dinner,” you tried.

“Mmm, no thanks, already ate,” he said, turning back to his computer.

“No, Sherlock, not tonight. I meant like, a Friday night,” you tried again, feeling like a complete ass.

He turned around to face you, questioning on his face. “Well I don’t know if I’ll be on a case Friday night. We could see if John wanted to go. I’m not usually one to schedule dinners but--”

“No! No John,” you sternly interrupted. “No, Sherlock...I...I’m asking you on a date,” you finally blurted out, a bit more quieter than you had been.

His face contorted into thought for a brief moment. The moment felt like an eternity. You had no idea what he would say, but the next thing out of his mouth certainly threw you.

“No.”

Your brows knitted together as you gazed at him, your heart dropping out of your body at his tone, that singular devastating word.

“No? Wh--Why?” you stammered, heavily embarrassed but your emotions took over. You had to know why he said no.

“I am married to my work, Y/N. I thought the same of you. It was one of the few things I admired about you, but now that you’ve made it glaringly obvious you’re just a normal human with mundane feelings… Well I’m sure you still have enough rational thought and deduction to figure out that I, in no way, would be interested in a date. Love...sentiment...the very idea of romance appals me. So no, I do not wish to buy you flowers, meet you at a restaurant of your choosing, and go through the turmoil of modern dating.”

If he punched you in the gut it would’ve felt better than what he’d just said. The air had effectively left your lungs as you sat there, stunned at him, at his coldness. Eyes that used to revere you and hold you in a warm, curious glow were now chilled and off putting. You weren’t sure what to do, what to say, how to react. You couldn’t breathe or speak.

Without another word, you grabbed your purse and stood up, exiting his flat and shutting the door quietly behind you. You made it down the stairs, hailed a taxi calmly, got in, rode in silence back to your apartment, closed the door, and made it all the way to your bed before the onslaught of tears followed. The sound loud and horrendous, but you didn't care. This was a pain like you’d never felt before, and holding it in, only made it hurt worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Forever Tag:

@cocosierra94

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CC tag: @disneyoncerlover815

#curious conundrum #sherlock holmes x reader #sherlock x reader #sherlock holmes #sherlock holmes fic #sherlock bbc #john watson

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bullet-proofgirlscouts · 6 years

Text

JiminXReader - In One Week, Part - 8

Part 1; Part 2; Part 3; Part 4; Part 5; Part 6; Part 7;

“So Jimin isn’t in love with you?”

“Mhmm.”

“But he’s in love with the person who created your podcast?”

“Mmhmm…”

“Which is you.”

“Mmm…”

“And you- I’m sorry can you please speak in words?” Yoongi snapped, annoyed that his friend was stuffing her face with ice cream.

“Mmm?” she frowned, not appreciating his outburst. Swallowing the mouthful of cold, chocolatey goodness, she licked her lips before focusing back on Yoongi

“Why is this a problem?” Yoongi asked.

“Because…it just doesn’t seem fair.” She replied, twirling her spoon in the ice cream bowl.

She had called him at night, asking him if he was free and if she could talk to him. She didn't want him to go through the trouble of talking face-to-face and was more than content with talking to him over the phone, but he refused. He could tell by the tone of her voice that she was upset about something and nothing in the world could stop him from being by her side. So, he picked her up from her door and took her to a small café (promising Grandpa that he would bring her back in an hour and bring ice cream back for him too) that was situated quite remotely, only a handful of people came by and they sat at a table in the corner, ordering sundaes.

“I can’t just be like, ‘hey! Remember you told me you’re in love with this podcast lady? Guess what? That’s me! The girl you rejected. Now let’s make out’”

Yoongi tried not to chuckle at how she said the whole sentence without taking a single breath. But now was not the time.

“…You should have seen the way he talked about it. Like the creator was the most amazing person alive, like she’s the living embodiment of perfection and should be showered with praise for the rest of her life.”

“And that’s a bad thing, because…?”

“Because it didn’t seem like he was talking about me! It was like the creator is a different person all together. He doesnt...he doesnt love me, he in love with this...” she paused for a second before saying, “idea of me that he’s created in his head, one that is amazing. I can’t compete with that”

“So basically, you feel like you can’t tell him you are the creator because he might be disappointed?”

She nodded slowly, her eyes looking down, focusing on the ice cream.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve heard.” Yoongi said. He felt a bit guilty when he saw her flinch a bit but he held his own.

Sure, he was a bit biased. In his eyes, she’s the most amazing person he knew, flaws and all. The two of them grew up together, Yoongi has watched as she grew into this amazing human being. He adored her as much as she did him, even though he’s never actually told her that. Yoongi felt a need to be protective of her and she understood that his harsh words were his way of doing so. She was his baby sister, his best friend and he couldn't be prouder of her. She wasn't spectacular in any way, but she was to him, and from the way he saw Jimin look at her, the orange haired kid felt the same way and it infuriated him that she couldn't see that.

So, yes, he was just a little bit biased.

“Is it?” she asked, softly, “Is it that far fetched of an idea?”

Continuing, she said, “I would rather him be in love with this image of me. Even if i’m not what he’s looking for… the creator is still me.”

“So you’re settling for that?”

“For now? Yeah. Maybe i’ll get over it when the time comes, maybe Jimin will stop pining after this ‘anonymous’ person cause i’m never telling him,” she ignored Yoongi’s glare as she continued, “I liked the way things were. It’s probably going to be awkward with him now, knowing that i have a crush on him, but i don't want him finding out the truth and that making things worse!”

“Why?” Yoongi pressed, “What’s the worst that could possibly happen? Jimin is a nice guy, isn't he? You really think he’s the type of person to abandon you or stop being friends with you if you tell him?”

“No! Of course not!”

“Then why-”

“I don't know!” she snapped, causing many people to turn in their direction. Her face turned red as she hunched her shoulders, muttering an apology. It took a few minutes for things to calm down and for everyone’s attention to be off of them.

“...it just doesn't seem fair.” she said softly, pushing her ice cream towards Yoongi, asking him to finish it for her, “I can't tell him that i’m the person he’s in love with when he already rejected me. I know you think that i’m downplaying myself here, but it’s not that, at least, not just that. Jimin isn’t in love with me, plain and simple, and me telling him that i’m the creator shouldn't change that, it wouldn't be genuine if it does. So why bother wasting my time and everyone's emotion for something that won't make things better? ”

Yoongi sighed, understanding her logic but hating it.

She chuckled, knowing what he was thinking. “I dont like it either,” she said, “But that’s just how it is.”

~~~

Monday rolled in and she didn’t show up to class today. Turns out she didn’t show up to university at all. He considered calling her but decided against it. Maybe he was thinking too highly of himself, which he hated, but the last conversation they had together was of him rejecting her. Maybe she needed some space.

So he didn’t contact her on Monday. It was a boring day.

He didn’t call her on Tuesday either. He realized how dull and uninteresting the group he hung out with really were. Conversations consisted only of gossip and plans to go shopping. He couldn’t crack even one genuine laugh when before, his stomach used to hurt from it.

Wednesday, he started getting concerned. He sent her a text, asking her why she was missing classes and if she was ok. She didn’t see the message that day.

Thursday, again, she didn’t show up. Jimin called her but he was directed to a message that said that her number didn't exist. He was worried and confused. Was it because of him? Did he break her heart more than he had thought to the point where she didn’t feel like they could be friends anymore? Or maybe she was just sick and everything was going to be ok. But if she was just sick why couldn’t she have replied to his messages? Why were his calls not going through? Was this really his fault?

Jimin hardly said a word the next day. Without realizing it, he spent all his time sulking and moping. His friends realized it though, especially Jihyo who grew more and more annoyed as Jimin’s mind seemed to move farther and farther away from reality. From her. She had a feeling she knew why he was the way he was. Deciding to break the somber mood she was determined to lighten Jimin’s spirit during break time.

Everyone was sitting at the cafeteria, munching on food. Jihyo kept her eyes on Jimin and to her annoyance, he still seemed down to the dumps.

“So Jimin,” she said, leaning forward on the table, making sure to push her chest together. Every time she used to do that the boy blushed and looked away, trying his best not to stare, and she found it adorable.

But this time he hardly glanced her way. He acknowledged her question with a simply grunt, but his eyes were glued to his phone. But he wasn’t really doing anything, just staring at it, like he was waiting for something to happen.

She quickly wiped the second of shock on her face as she processed that Jimin just out-right ignored her, but she carried on.

“I heard you got the highest store in your literature class for that project of yours. Congratulations!”

That seemed to have brought Jimin slightly out of his secluded state. “Thanks,” he said, with a smile, “It was mostly because of my partner that we got a good score.”

“Oh don’t be modest,” Jihyo said, “I’m sure you contributed way more than she did. I’m surprised you even stuck with her through the whole thing. If it was me I would have demanded to change partners immediately.” She started laughing along with her other friends but when she glanced at Jimin, her laugh got stuck in her throat.

He was glaring at her with a look she had never seen before, anger. However, that rage withered away as soon as she saw it, making her wonder if it happened at all.

She cleared her throat, “I haven't seen you two hanging out anymore, did you take my advice?”

“I did, but that’s not why we’re not hanging out.” Jimin replied, still focused on his phone.

“Really? Because if you rejected her-”

“I don't want to talk about it.” Jimin interrupted, “Ok, i’m just a bit worried because she isn't answering my calls or my texts.”

“Look, if it makes you feel any better, she’s fine. Someone saw her hanging out with a boy last Friday.”

“What?”

Last Friday? That was the day Jimin last saw her and he...rejected her.

“Don’t you have a picture?” Jihyo asked one of the girls beside her.

“Uh, yeah, here you go.”

Her phone was handed over to Jimin, a picture on the screen.

Jimin looked at it and saw her. It was a small café, and she was sitting across a boy with mint colored hair. Yoongi.

“Why do you even have this picture?” Jimin asked, staring at it.

“One of the people from uni saw her. Guess they were just as surprised as we are over the fact that she has guy friend. Or just friends in general.” Jihyo spat out.

“Maybe it's her boyfriend!” someone said.

“Ew. Why would anyone date her? Especially a boy as cute as that?” another one replied.

“You think he’s cute? He looks really scary to me. No, not scary, another word…”

“He looks like a homeless person. Or like a leader of a gang.”

“Intimidating! That’s the word.”

“He looks a lot older than she is…. oh my god guys, do you think that’s her sugar daddy?” Jihyo said.

“No way! You think she would have a sugar daddy?”

“It makes sense, doesn’t it? A guy like him wouldn’t hang out with a girl like that unless it's…’beneficial’”

“Ugh, that’s disgusting! What a whore!”

“Never thought she would be so desperate for sex. How pathetic can you get?”

“Wonder how much money she makes. Eww, I wonder if she has any STD’s!”

“Probably does. She-“

BAM

The whole room was silent. Not a single sound was made as every student started at the source of the noise.

Jimin was panting, his face flushed in rage as his hands stung with the pain of smashing them against the table.

He glared at Jihyo and the other people sitting at the table, each of them shriveling away in fear.

Ignoring all the stares that were focused on him, he got off his chair, grabbed his bag and stormed out of the room.

Walking down the hallway, he realized his body was taking him outside the university. He knew where he wanted to go.

He wanted to see her, to talk to her, to work things out.

He knew what he wanted to say. Being in that room, trying his best not to scream at the people who were berating her for no reason made him realize something. Something he was to stupid and too ignorant to understand just few days ago.

He wanted to protect her, to hold her, to assure her that everything was going to be ok, to convince her that she was the most amazing person he’d met, to one day break down those insecurities and make her understand what an incredible person she is. He wanted to spend the night talking to her about the most random things, from books to movies to what their favorite shade or orange is. He wanted to wake up and see her sleeping face every morning.

He wanted her to see herself the way he saw her,

With love.

Jimin was in love.

And he was going to make sure she knew it.

~~~

Jimin panted as he finally reached the block where her house was, taking a minute to catch his breath. He was gross and sweaty, not a good impression. Maybe he should have thought the ‘running to her house’ part through. Whatever, he was here. Rounding a corner, he jogged happily to her front door and immediately rang the bell. He was bouncing on his toes, the adrenaline keeping him jittery. He was so nervous, and excited and scared, but mostly excited.

What was he going to say? What would she say? What if her Grandfather opens the door?

Jimin didn't even realise that a good few minutes had passed, and nobody was opening the door. Eyebrows furrowed, he rang it three more times, still nothing. His energy left him as fast as it arrived. This was embarrassing. Nobody was home. Worry started to overtake him, his mind racing as to where she could be. Unfortunately, all he could do was wait for her to come back. Maybe in an hour, he could come back to her place and see if she was home.

Letting out a loud sigh, his jittering finished, he walked away from the door. The sky was dark and ominous, made him wish he got an umbrella. He was just about to walk down the road, when a black car pulled up beside him.

He peered through the front glass, catching a glimpse of Yoongi who was in the driver's seat, the mint haired man staring back at him. His attention, however, was diverted by the guy in the passenger's seat, who opened his door and got out.

“Taehyung.” Jimin looked the man up and down. He was wearing a suit, with a crisp white shirt and black tie. Come to think of it, Yoongi was wearing one too, minus the tie.

The brown-haired man looked back at him, confusion etched on his face. “Jimin? Why are you here?”

“I wanted to talk to…why are you here?”

“She left her wallet behind, I came to get it for her.” he said as he closed the door. He walked up to Jimin, keys in hand.

Ignoring the slight pang of jealousy Jimin felt over the fact that Taehyung had the keys to her house, he asked,

“Where is she anyways? There’s something I have to tell her.”

He grimaced in response, “Well, it will have to wait. You know how busy she is, now with everything that happened.”

Jimin furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”

Taehyung froze, “She didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what? What’s going on?” Jimin asked, getting a bit scared, is she ok? Was she hurt? Or sick? Is that why she didn’t come to university for a whole week?

He paused for a second, looking around hesitantly.

“Taehyung,” Jimin called out desperately, “Is she ok?”

“Of course, she’s not ok Jimin.” he replied, his voice soft and pained, “Her grandfather passed away.”

~~~

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