#another interaction that didn’t really help my social anxiety

[icterid-rubus]

I went to my first dinner party since Covid and a woman I haven’t seen for years showed up and told me her kindergarten aged grandchild just enrolled in an international language school. She asked me to guess why she chose this particular language for the child and when I quite literally ran out of guesses—as she wouldn’t just say it—she giddily told me it’s because there are two other schools before this one on the same road and therefore a crazed shooter would go to one of them first before her grand child’s.

As I tried to pull together some semblance of a straight face after this bizarre confession from a women I barely knew even before a three year break, she began telling me of her foiled plans to sew her grandchild a Kevlar hoodie that she could curl up into during a mass shooting, as machine gun proof Kevlar cannot be cut and sewn by a home crafter.

#i should have charged her by the hour for that therapist only info dump #i know this is a stressful time to have children in school but HELLO????? #i kept trying to steer the convo to like ‘oh well do they enjoy school? is the language going well? i had the same schooling’ #but this lady only wanted to talk about her grandchild getting killed #and for context we live in a blue state and a VERY blue city and this school is in an affluent neighborhood #she then asked if I wanted to illustrate her grade school novel about ‘all world religions’. she has no formal theology teaching. #THIS WAS THE FIRST CONVERSATION WE HAD!!! i sat down we said hello and she launched into it #i wonder if she would have unenrolled her kid had i suggested a gunman angry at US/Chinese relationships might take it out on the kids #another interaction that didn’t really help my social anxiety #also I just don’t think her logic pans out. you can come to this school multiple ways. like….

[i-am-baechu]

♡ Summary: Yoongi is the famous cold bad boy of the campus. All the girls liked him and all the boys envied him. Y/N was just another girl with a case of social anxiety, why would Yoongi even look at her?  

♡ Pairing: Crush situation: Non idol! Yoongi x Reader 

♡ Rating: Pg - 14 

♡ Genre: Fluff, romance, and angst

Y/N walked across the campus with her headphones and her head looking down at the cement beneath her. She just got out of her class and was now heading to another one when she saw the popular people hanging out at the back of the building. She looked up and her eyes landed on the one and only, Min Yoongi. It was crazy because she has known Yoongi since grade school but she knew he had no idea who she was. They only talked three times and all those times were because they were in small groups for class. Other than that, they never interacted. They didn’t have a reason for it. She was just the younger junior who had a crush on her senior. 

She looked away and shook her head when she saw Mina hugging his arm. It was annoying to watch but she had no right to feel upset. He wasn’t hers and never will be. She continued her way until she felt an arm around her shoulder. She pushed down her headphones and saw Umji giving her a frown “You didn’t text me last night! Y/N, I was worried.” 

Y/N let out a small laugh, “I fell asleep last night. I was so tired from work.”

Umji nodded her head and removed her arm, “Okay, I’ll allow it.”

“Umji, leave her alone. She needs sleep and not you annoying her.”

Y/N turned her head and saw Chang-kyun giving her a teasing smirk, “Oppa, where were you? You missed out on the quiz.”

Chang-kyun gave her a small shrug and chuckled, “I had to help Shownu with moving. I already told the professor, don’t worry about me Y/N.” 

Umji looked Chang-kyun up and down with a small smirk, “You helped him? You're built like a pole.” 

Chang-kyun rolled his eyes and flicked her forehead, “Shut up. Don’t you have math?”

“Yes....I’ll see you guys after class? We’re meeting in the lunchroom, right?” 

Y/N nodded her head and gave her a smile, “Good luck on your test.”

“I need all the luck, bye~.” 

Y/N and Chang-kyun waved goodbye to Umji (who was running to her class now). Y/N turned towards Chang-kyun and smiled, “How was moving?” 

“Shownu has a lot of things. It’s going to be two days at least until he's moved fully and that’s me being positive.” 

“Oppa, I can always ask my brother to help you. He comes back tomorrow”

“Nah, I don’t want to bother him. Let’s go to class before we’re late at being early.” 

Y/N pouted at this, “Don’t make fun of me. I just like being early.” 

“I know you do.” 

The two continued to walk but Y/N glanced over her shoulder to see Yoongi smoking with his friends. He was chuckling at something and she wondered what his real laugh sounded like. She bet it sounded sweet. She quickly looked away when she saw him turning his head in her direction. That would be embarrassing if she was caught looking at him. 

They sat in the middle of the classroom and Y/N took out all her supplies for the class. She took her Liberal Arts class very seriously, it was her major after all. Chang-kyun on the other hand didn’t really care for the class but needed it for his general education. Chang-kyun and Y/N have known each other since they were in diapers. He saw her as his little sister whom he had protected because of how quiet she was. Y/N saw him as a person she admired and could count on no matter what. They were always together, no matter what. 

Professor Kwon entered the room and smiled at Y/N, “Y/N, you're always here before me. One of these days I’m going to ask you to be late.” 

Y/N let out a small laugh as she felt her face get warm, “I just like being early, professor.” 

“I’m glad you're so dedicated. Chang-kyun, you should learn from her.” 

Chang-kyun rolled his eyes and locked his phone, “I’m here early too. That shows I’m dedicated to some degree.” 

“Sure. Y/N, can you take these papers to Professor Jun.”

Y/N glanced at Chang-kyun who just nodded his head at her, “Uh, sure. It’s room 345 A?” 

“Yes, his class ended ten minutes ago. You should be fine.”

She nodded her head and wiped her hands on her jeans. Chang-kyun gave her an encouraging smile and she walked to the front to get the papers. Walking in the halls felt like a headache after a long day. Each time her shoe hit the floor, the sound of her heel was amplified in her ears and it made her feel sick. It was as if the hallway was longer and narrower than what she remembered. Her cream sweater can’t give her comfort at this moment. She stood in front of the door and took a deep breath before gently knocking on the dark wood. 

The door opened and she looked up with her eyes wide. Standing in front of her was Yoongi looking down at her with a raised eyebrow, “What?” 

She swallowed some spit and looked down from his stare, “I-I have some papers for Professor Jun...it's from Professor Kwon.” She didn’t hear anything and she thought Yoongi had left, so she looked up. She saw Yoongi staring at her with an expression that she couldn’t make out. She felt her face get warm and handed him the papers, “Thank you...please make sure he gets it...umm...have a good day. Bye.” 

She heard a chuckle and she brought the papers back to her with her shaky hands. Yoongi leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed, “If you want the papers delivered then you should do it.”

She nodded her head and continued to look down at the floor, “Can I come in?” 

“I guess.”

With that, Yoongi moved away from the door and Y/N felt her heartbeat restored. She watched him go back to the front with his other friends and she realized that the class was not over. She swallowed spit again and entered the class. She bowed at the people seated at the front as she avoided Yoongi’s stare. 

Professor Jun smiled at her, “Ah, Y/N. Is that from Professor Kwon?”

Y/N's head snapped at the older man and nodded her head, “Yes, it is. I’m sorry for disturbing your class, Professor.”

“Nonsense, you can never disturb me. Thank you for the papers, tell your brother I say hi.” 

Y/N handed the papers and nodded her head, “Will do, Professor.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

Y/N nodded her head and walked away as fast as she could. She turned around to close the door and she saw Yoongi looking at her. Her eyes widened and she closed the door as fast as she could. She leaned against the wood and clenched her chest, her heart was beating faster and she hated that. She didn’t dare to check her Apple watch. She smacked her cheeks and nodded her head. She walked away with hands clawing at her sweater to hide her shaky hands. She felt like she was practically running back to her room. 

When she came back Professor Kwon wasn’t in the room and Chang-kyun was on his phone. She ran back to her seat causing him to look up with a worried look, “Is everything okay?”

“How long was I gone?”

Chang-kyun raised his eyebrow and glanced at his phone, “It was like eight minutes, why?”

Her eyes widened and she slumped in her seat, “It felt like it was longer...like an hour.” 

Chang-kyun rolled his eyes and put his phone in his pocket, “Why? What happened?” 

“Professor Jun’s class wasn’t over...Yoongi was there. It was awkward and I hated it.”

Chang-kyun nodded his head at this and rubbed her shoulders gently, “It’s over now. Next time, I’ll deliver the papers to him. Okay?”

“Okay...” Why was Yoongi staring at me? Was it because my sweater had flowers in different colors? Was my hair too messy? I shouldn’t be thinking this...Mina was sitting next to him and it's obvious they're together.

“Y/N? You good?” 

Y/N shook her head and looked at Chang-kyun with a small smile, “Yea-Yeah. I was just thinking of today’s lesson.” 

“Nerd.” 

໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১

Y/N tied her apron and looked at herself in the mirror with a small smile. After hanging out with Chang-kyun and Umji, Y/N had a shift at My Dear Cafe. Her sister-in-law, Irene, owned the cafe and Y/N wanted to help out whenever she could. Plus, she needed the money. She tightened her ponytail and headed out to the front to see Irene looking at the computer.

“Hi, unnie.” 

Irene looked up from the screen and gave her a smile, “Ah, Y/N. I’m sorry to put you in this position but I have a new person coming in. Can you train them?” 

Y/N blinked her eyes and slowly nodded her head, “I-I’ll do my best.” 

Irene smiled at this and nodded her head, “I have to do paperwork for the employee and then I have a conference meeting at four. Again, I'm sorry.” 

Y/N shook her head and gave her a reassuring smile, “It’s okay...you overwork yourself, unnie.” 

Irene let out a laugh and rubbed the back of her neck, “Tonight, I want us to have dinner with Henry.”

“Oppa? He’s back from his trip?”

Irene frowned at this and crossed her arms over her chest, “Did he not text you? You're his little sister and he didn’t tell you!?” 

“It’s okay unnie, he probably fell asleep when he came home.”

“Don't excuse him. I’ll scold him, don't worry.” Before Y/N said something, the door opened. She turned towards the door and she saw Yoongi with his hands in his pocket. Y/N felt frozen in her spot as she stared at him with nerves and confusion. Why was he here? “Ah, Yoongi. Thank you for coming in early. This is Y/N, she will be your trainer.” 

Y/N looked at Irene with wide eyes and then back at Yoongi who was looking at her with a blank expression. She had to train Yoongi, alone. How was she going to talk to him? She could barely look him in his eyes. She wished Chang-kyun or Umji was here to comfort her or take care of the training instead. 

“H-Hello.” 

“Mmmm...”

Y/N wanted to run to the back and clock out but her feet were frozen to the tile below her. Yoongi cracked his neck and looked at Irene, “Do you want me to change?” 

“You can head towards the back and on the right side is for the men. For now, just put it in any locker, we’ll assign you one later.”

Yoongi nodded his head and looked at Y/N, “Bye, teacher.”

He walked away with a chuckle that lingered in the air. Y/N’s face felt warm and she fell to the floor with her face on her knees, “Y/N? Is everything okay? Do you want me to train him instead, I don’t want you uncomfortable.” 

“No...I can do it. I just wasn’t expecting him.”

Irene placed the papers on the counter and went to Y/N’s level rubbing her back gently, “Who was that?”

Y/N looked up at her and frowned, “He’s my senior...”

Irene nodded her head at this and sighed, “Do you like him?

“I-I...I mean...he’s not bad-looking?”

Irene let out a small laugh and helped Y/N up, “You got this, Y/N. Just be your amazing self, okay?”

“I’m not that amazing...I’m just me.”

Irene rolled her eyes and gently hit her shoulder, “Which is amazing. Are you sure you want to train him? I can put off the paperwork for tonight.”

Y/N shook her head at this, “I can do it. Don’t worry.” 

“Where do I clock in?”

Y/N turned to see Yoongi leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his chest (which seems like his normal stance). Y/N swallowed some spit and gave him a small smile (the best she could make), “I can show you...” 

Y/N walked past him not making eye contact and headed towards the back. She wasn’t even sure if he was behind her. She glanced over her shoulder to see him walking with his hands in his pocket. He looked so uninterested in everything. She stood in front of the computer and moved to the side so he could see the screen, “You're going to use your Employee ID...”

Yoongi nodded his head and moved forward with his cologne entering her nose. He smelled like old books and firewood, it was comforting, “Now what?” 

She shook her head and looked at the screen, “You're going to check if the date is right and then just click shift start.” 

He did what she said and turned towards her, “My name is Yoongi.”

Y/N nodded her head. I knew he wouldn’t remember me... “I-I’m Y/N.”

Training Yoongi wasn’t hard, it was clear that he had worked in a cafe before. He knew how to make almost all the drinks and the only thing he didn’t know how to do was register. Which was fair because every store is different. Yoongi wasn’t much of a talker nor was Y/N. The atmosphere around them was silent but it was still comforting somehow. 

Y/N reached out for a glass but didn’t see Yoongi’s hand. She touched his knuckles and looked up with an embarrassed look, “So-Sorry. I didn’t see you.”

“It’s fine. By the way, did you do Professor Kwon's homework?”

Y/N washed a dirty glass and looked at him, “Oh, yeah. I already finished it, why?”

“Are you a Liberal Arts major?”

Y/N nodded her head and turned her attention to the sink, “Yes...why?”

“That’s my major too.” 

“O-Oh that’s cool.” Why did I say that?

Before Yoongi could say another, the door opened. She looked up to see the rest of Yoongi’s friends talking loudly. Her eyes landed on Mina and she bit her lip.

“Yoongi, you look so cute in your apron.”

Yoongi scoffed as Y/N watched from the sidelines, “Shut it Tae, what do you guys want?”

Mina leaned forward placing her hand on top of his, “You know what I like, Yoon.”

Y/N looked away and opened the fridge to let the cold air touch her face. Maybe if her face was frozen she couldn’t cry, “Y/N?”

She turned around and saw Jungkook giving her a small smile. Jungkook was nice and she hung out with him a couple of times. Chang-kyun was more of his friend but she still saw him as a friend still, “Oh, Kook? It’s been a while.” 

Jungkook let out a small laugh and nodded his head, “Yeah, sorry I’ve been busy. How are you doing?”

“You know Y/N, Jungkook?”

Y/N looked at Yoongi and saw him looking at Jungkook with a raised eyebrow, “Of course I do, hyung. Chang-kyun is her best friend.” 

“You never told me that.”

“You never asked. Neh, noona, can I have banana milk?” 

She glanced at Yoongi and then gave her full attention to Jungkook, “Of course you can. Chang-kyun mentioned that you had a soccer game last week, how was that?”

“We won, noona, you should come to one.” 

Y/N let out a nervous laugh and shook her head, “I-I don’t do good with other people.”

“So you're a loner.” 

Her laughing stopped and she looked at Mina who was sending her a small smirk. She felt her face turn red and she turned around to get Jungkook’s banana milk. She wasn’t sure how to answer or if should’ve answered. She just wanted out of the situation. She placed the banana milk on the counter, “That will be ₩3,272, Kook.”

He took out the money and gave her a small smile, “Thank you noona. Maybe I'll see you at Chang-kyun’s tomorrow, maybe?”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders and gave him the change. She didn’t say anything but turned away and went towards the bathroom. When she was a few feet away she heard Mina say, “Jungkook, why are you friends with her?” 

She shook her head and rushed to the bathroom. She slammed the stall and brought her knees to her chest. She knew she should’ve clocked out or had Irene on the floor instead. She sighed to herself and left the stall. She splashed water on her face and glanced at herself in the mirror. She wished the water made her feel better. She walked out of the bathroom to see it empty again and it made her feel better. 

She started to refill everything that needed ignoring Yoongi’s stare. He let out a small cough and she glanced at him, “I’m sorry about her. She can be a bitch sometimes.”

Y/N shrugged her shoulders, “It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine. She shouldn’t talk to you like that, Y/N. I’m saying sorry because I know she won’t.” 

Y/N saw the intensity in his eyes and nodded her head, “Okay...you don’t normally talk that much...”

Yoongi shrugged his shoulders, “If something is wrong then it’s wrong. I’ll speak up.” 

Y/N nodded her head, “That’s a good trait.” 

Yoongi handed her a glass filled with a mystery drink. She glanced at the glass and then at him, “It’s a special drink. Drink it because it won’t happen again.” 

She nodded her head and took a sip. She immediately smiled at the taste, “It’s good.”

“Cherish it because I won’t do it again.” 

And she would cherish it. Even though it was a small thing, it made her feel seen. 

໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১

“Umji, are you sure this is okay?”

“Y/N, it's going to be okay. You deserve a break from school. Plus, Chang-kyun is going to be there. You have no worries.” 

Tonight, Jungkook invited Chang-kyun to a small party. Umji was excited because she desperately needed a break but for Y/N, she didn’t care. She was better off being at home by herself with her music playing as she cleaned. She was dressed in a white long sleeve with a mini black dress on top. It was simple and that’s all she needed. She could easily blend in the background. 

Y/N nodded her head, “I suppose. Don’t get too drunk.”

Umji rolled her eyes and slapped her shoulder, “Let me have fun. I don’t go out that much.”

“I know you don’t but I can’t help but worry for you.”

Umji smiled at this and kissed Y/N’s cheek, “I know, thanks for always caring.” 

The two headed towards Jungkook’s dorm with Y/N rubbed her arms in a nervous manner. When they entered, it wasn’t a lot of people but there were new faces. Faces that belonged in magazines. Umji intertwined their fingers together and gave her a small smile, “It’s going to be okay, unnie.” 

Y/N nodded her head and her eyes landed on Chang-kyun who was talking with Jungkook. She smiled and Umji went straight to him, “Oppa, I want vodka.”

Chang-kyun raised his eyebrow at Umji and shook his head, “You and vodka don’t mix well. Remember what happened last year?”

Umji pouted at this and shook her head, “I’ve gotten better. I’m only having one drink.” 

Chang-kyun rolled his eyes and nodded his head, “Fine.” 

Umji smiled at this and looked at Y/N, “I won.”

Y/N shook her head and bowed her head at Jungkook, “Hi, Kook.”

“Hey, noona. I’m surprised to see you here.” 

Y/N let out a nervous laugh and nodded her head, “I’m shocked to be here too...”

Chang-kyun handed her a bottle of water and ruffled her hair, “The balcony is that way. I might get shit-faced but if you need somewhere to escape just head towards there. Okay?” 

“Okay.” 

Y/N tried her best to stand with everyone else but it was doing much for her. She stood up from the couch and let the laughter of everyone be her background music. She opened the sliding door and closed it shut. She sat on the black chair to stare at the stars with a small sigh escaping. 

“Hello again.”

She turned her head and saw Yoongi smirking at her with smoke escaping his lips. She didn’t even know he was here but thinking about why wouldn’t he. He’s one of Jungkook’s close friends. She waved at him and looked back at the sky, “Hello...” 

Yoongi stared at her and sighed, “You know I remembered you.”

Y/N looked at him with a confused look, “What?”

“I only wanted to introduce myself because I thought you wouldn’t remember me.” 

Y/N shook her head and turned towards him, “N-No, how could I forget you?” 

Yoongi raised his eyebrow at this and leaned towards her, “What does that mean?”

Y/N’s face felt warm and she looked away, “That I couldn’t forget you...I was so sure you would have forgotten me.”

“How could I forget about the girl that saved me in Literature?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

Y/N was always ahead with her studies. She was a freshman in a senior class, and every teacher was always impressed with her. She sat at the table with Yoongi and she couldn’t help her heart beat faster than usual. If Chang-kyun saw her now, he would make fun of her. The book they were reading was Pride and Prejudice and the teacher put them in small groups, hence why she was with Yoongi. 

Yoongi was too busy talking to his friends to notice the teacher glaring at him, “Mr. Min since you're in a talking mood. Why is Mr. Darcy infatuated with Elizabeth?” 

Yoongi cursed under his breath and looked at his paper as if they had an answer. Y/N saw him struggling and grabbed a sticky note without the teacher noticing. She placed it on his lap without looking at him and Yoongi glanced at her. He looked down to make it seem like he was looking at his paper, “Elizabeth was a breath of fresh air. Mr. Darcy was used to getting things he wanted and women only saw him for his fortune. When he met Elizabeth it was different. She fought back against him and it made him realize that’s what he wanted in a wife.” 

The teacher nodded her head at this and moved on. Y/N looked away and didn’t realize Yoongi was looking at her with a smile. 

“You remember that?” 

Yoongi nodded his head, “Of course, I remember. I saw you as Mr. Darcy.”

Y/N raised her eyebrow at this, “Why?”

“You're intelligent and you always got things because of it. I saw myself as Elizabeth, the breath of fresh air.”

Y/N’s face felt hotter and she stared at him with shock, “Wh-What?” 

“I think you know what that means.” 

She continued to stare at him and looked down, “What about Mina?” 

Yoongi's eyebrows furrowed at this and looked at her with confusion, “What about her?”

“She likes you...and I thought you liked her...”

Yoongi scoffed at this and pulled his chair closer to her. She heard this and turned her head to see him so close to her. His nose touching hers, “Mina has nothing to do with us right now. I’m only focused on you.” 

She glanced at his lips and then back to his dark brown eyes, “O-On me?” 

“Always on you...Always on you, Y/N.” He leaned forward and placed his lips on hers. Her eyes widened at the action but they quickly closed as she returned the kiss. The kiss was quick and when they leaned away he placed his forehead against hers, “It’s always been you.” 

#bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts imagines #bts jungkook #bts namjoon #bts seokjin #bts taehyung #bts jimin #bts yoongi #bts x reader #Bts #min yoongi x reader #yoongi x reader

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for leaving a friend hangout?

So me (14 genderfluid) and a friend (15 ?) were supposed to hang out in town today (it’s 30th August at the moment of writing this). I was going to take the bus into town to go to an event sort of thing and had a couple of hours to spare before this, so we decided that we would take the bus directly after school to go hang out. We had had a hangout planned a few weeks earlier but I couldn’t get a ride to the place in question on Saturday and they couldn’t do it on Sunday so we decided to try another time.

The whole school day today was really bad. I’m currently getting bullied quite a lot and this has caused intense discomfort and anxiety around being in school as well as meeting other people from my school outside of it. While this day in particular wasn’t too bad (little to no mocking, harassment, barking at etc) I still had a lot of anxiety throughout the whole day, probably amplified by sleeping badly and not eating much for lunch. I felt like shit the whole day. The bus ride also made me anxious. The thought that I could meet my bullies on the bus and have nowhere to go and no teacher to help me terrified me.

So, school ends and I go to wait for the bus. I meet my friend there, but they are with some other people, one whom I know from before and a few I don’t know, that I don’t even know the names of. This was a bit concerning to me. I can be pretty social if I put my mind to it, but school and the bullying has really made me nervous about interacting with people my age. On top of that, the unknown people seem to be the kind of people giving me dirty looks. Not outright bullying, but clear distaste. Oh well, I thought, maybe they won’t even hang out with us? And they seemed to be disinterested in me and my existence. Not a hello, just a quick glance and that’s it.

That also put me a bit on edge. I’ve had experiences with hanging out with friends who bring their other friends and said other friends just completely ignore me. They don’t speak to me, don’t acknowledge anything I say, they don’t introduce themselves, nothing. This isn’t really fun, and it usually kinda ruins everything for me. It reminds me of parts of the bullying, when people just pretend I don’t exist.

So I was a bit worried, but managed to board the bus with little to no issues. I didn’t sit with any of my friends because the bus was too full, but I heard them talking to each other behind me.

We get off the bus and yeah it is very clear that we’re hanging out together. And it’s maybe like two people I don’t know, and a few I do know but I wasn’t told would be coming. Personally, I really don’t like when I’m not informed of everyone who’s coming along. This is especially bad with people I don’t know.

I decided to try to push through my unwillingness and tiredness and rampant anxiety. But first I had to text my mom. We made a deal that I would text her when I got to town to make sure it was ok. I had no mobile data, so I had to go to the library to try and get some internet. The friend told me that we should split up and meet up later, so that’s what they did. They went somewhere and I would just quickly run in to send a text to my mom.

But due to various issues I couldn’t send a message. Something with the internet connection idk. I got really worried that she would get worried and have no way of contacting me. After trying for a while I gave up and decided to go find my friends, maybe they could share their internet with me or something.

I couldn’t find them. Our town is very small but I couldn’t find them at any of the regular spots and I had no way of contacting them. I eventually gave up. I was sad, tired, hungry and very very anxious, and the day was going to shit. At that moment I really just wanted to go home.

I decided to call my mom and get her to pick me up. I felt bad for leaving my friends but there was no way I could handle staying in town for another 4-5 hours. I did lie to her and said I was having a stomach ache and that I was feeling ill. Mom agreed to pick me up.

Right when me and my mom were heading to the car I spotted my friends. I went to them and told them that I was feeling sick and I was going home. They just walked right past me with little to acknowledge of what I said.

I went home and I’m feeling better emotionally, sort of. I feel bad for lying and saying I was feeling sick, but I don’t know if I would have been taken seriously if I just said “I’m aggressively anxious and tired and starving and every other sound that reminds me of my bullies makes me lightheaded with fear”. I feel bad for leaving them but at that moment I felt like I was gonna cry if I didn’t get to go home. I don’t know if what I did was right.

Aita?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[cryptid-writing]

[Diary of Acedia]

Warnings: There's no need for warnings. Except slight mention of murder.

Info: Just a little something I wrote for my spidersona. It's kinda like a look into myself, but through the lens of Acedia.

It's not much, but I like it.

-----

There is a term within Japan for what I am. Or at least what I feel I relate to in some way, to some degree. 'Hikikomori.' I’ve never gone to the same extremes as ‘true’ hikikomori go through. Literally shutting themselves up in their rooms, their apartments, living in filth and letting themselves go to waste. I could never bring myself to reach that. That part.. disgusts and frightens me. Yet, I can still relate. I make the efforts to tend to myself as much as I can. I’ve dealt with depression, anxiety, and can feel my mental health deteriorate if I neglect myself for one day too many.

It’s a horrible feeling.

Life is.. terrifying. I would like for my life to change.. but I know it never will. Maybe.. just maybe.. little by little.. I could reach that dream of mine.. to find a better life. One that would require me to change out of myself. My true self.

And that's not something I want.

There's fantasies, daydreams of one wishing to be someone they are not, the polar opposite of who they are. Sometimes I may think of that for myself, but it never feels right.

It never felt like I was imagining myself.

..I decided to move. Around 24 I made the decision. Around 26 I made it. Flying to New York to meet with a friend who started work there. I found an apartment and started to live there. Over time I slowly decorated the place with things I found and bought with what money I've saved up from what I earned from the job I was lucky to find for myself. Something quiet and with little interaction with others.

I was never good and never have been good when it comes to socializing. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.. I feel alien among my own kind. Among the couple of friends I have, that I am lucky to have. Finding a sort of peace in solitude away from society.. it is unbearably lonely, however. I.. I want company. At least one other person to share this life of mine with.. someone to keep me company.. The company of another is genuinely.. comforting.

A year and a half go by.. and something happened.

Something.. changed.

Suddenly.. I found myself gifted. Able to perform acts I had fantasized about since I was little, thinking it would be cool or fun if I could walk on walls or crawl on ceilings. Without knowing what had occurred I likened my abilities to that of a sloth. An animal I liked the most.. I have a small collection of sloth things. They make me happy. They’re cute and friendly looking.. Just how I wish to be.

The weather grew colder.. I wore that outfit a bit more to stay warm.. Little did I know I’d unintentionally wind up being a hero in a way. Stopping some petty crime.. I had to find a mask or two to hide my face for a couple of weeks. I don't really know how most heroes do it. I felt silly, to be honest.

About a month later I found a man barely still alive. I was so afraid and so nervous. I rushed him to get help.. and I couldn’t help but check in on him. I worried so much. I.. didn’t meet in person with him, though. It wasn’t until a month later that we made a proper encounter.. after he nearly tried to kill his boss and then me. He apologized and thanked me for snapping him out of it. He introduced himself as Otto Octavius and I, Acedia, in return.

As further thanks, he later on helped to develop a proper outfit for me. I tried to decline, but he insisted.. I really appreciate it. The costume and his help. He aided me in my efforts to help others, starting when his business partner tried again to murder his boss then me for interfering. I hadn’t known at the time how horrible Otto’s boss was.

Not too long after, I and Otto’s friend, Adrian, had reconciled.. I think of him like a grandfather to me now. He’s done so much for me to make up for what he had done. I never really knew how much my life would change, although I still feel, even today, as though it hadn’t really changed at all.

In the following months so so much happened. I.. I was able to help so many people.. Maybe not entirely to have helped prevent what happened to them, but I was still able to help them in some way and that’s really all I could ask for. I even made some new friends.. Sure we may fight sometimes, but usually it works out. And even some friends who weren’t from here.. That was a wild experience.

Heck, I even met someone who would end up being my second partner, Quentin Beck. He seemed to really hate me at first.. I remember having a horrible experience chasing him in a warehouse.. It was such a terrifying experience, yet.. he, for some reason, helped me out of there.. After some time, he showed to really like me. I’m really thankful I met him, even if we didn’t have very good encounters at first. He’s been so wonderful. Him and Otto.. I’ve.. I really can’t believe I am in such a place in my life to be blessed with two incredible men.. without them I have no idea where I would be today.

..More months passed and I managed to help take down Norman Osborn.. Wilson Fisk, the Kingpin.. and that leads me to where I currently stand today. Writing this.

I’ve been through so much, I’m in a far happier place. I’ve made so many mistakes along the way, so many stupid, stupid mistakes, but I’ve learned a lot, too. I’ve.. also grown a lot. Not in height, but as a person. I’m still myself, though. Still afraid of social interaction, still afraid to open up and let myself be really known, still shy and unable to really speak up for myself.. but I’ve grown, nonetheless.

I couldn’t be happier and more thankful to be alive and to be where I am today. Although it’s still all so terrifying, I don’t think I would want to give up this life, the friends and family, that I’ve found.

My name is Acedia, The Cryptid Crawler of New York, and I’m happy to be me.

#my writing #spidersona #long post

[rainachain]

Web of Misfortune-- [An Unhinged Miraculous Ladybug Fanfic]

My notes for an unhinged Miraculous Ladybug fanfic that'll probably never be made:

This was a fic that I was going to make, but there was a slight issue with it-- I am very behind the Miraculous episodes. No joke, I have no clue who the current superheroes are (aside from Marinette and Adrien obviously) and all the shit that’s happened in the seasons. 

But anyway, if I had watched all of it, then this is probably what I would have created with that knowledge:

(Warning: Contains unhinged and unhealthy themes such as stalking and obsessive behavior. I do NOT condone this behavior whatsoever, please take care of yourself.)

Post Length: 15 pages/7.3k+ words (VERY long post) Do not keep reading if you don't want to scroll through a lot of unhinged writing stuff.

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Web of Misfortune

[M!Yandere!Marinette x F!Reader x F!Yandere!Adrien] 

Summary: Upon returning to France, a teenage girl accidentally became a superhero and is now tasked with the immense responsibility of protecting Paris from supervillains. Luckily, there’s two seasoned superheroes to help show her the ropes of the job. However as time passes, she notices that the partners she admires slowly begin to behave strangely towards her-- not to mention the two classmates that seem fixated on her during her civilian life. Amidst the crime-fighting, the stress and anxiety, and growing unease for her partners-- instead of joy and excitement from this miraculous opportunity like it’s all supposed to be, it feels like instead she’s getting tangled up in a big, sticky web of misfortune.

“Won’t you step into my web?”

About the Mc:

A high school student. She used to live in France as a kid, where she was best friends with Adrien and Chloe (I know this sounds a bit cliche just bare with me). At some point, she had to move away to another country as a kid but at the start of the fic, she’s moving back to Paris, France and is enrolling to the school there. 

Personality-wise: tries to be kind to others but stress does sometimes get the better of her; book-smart but not very street-smart; warm and friendly when you talk to her but never approaches you on her own, etc. Overall, kind and friendly but also shy and struggles with self-esteem. The biggest obstacle for the Mc is really herself-- her own fears and anxieties. Although she desperately tries not to, and goes through most of the day not dwelling on it, there are certain times during the day where she does reflect on her own self-worth as a person and agonizes over her interactions with people that day. She worries about whether she irritates people, whether they’re secretly annoyed by her shyness and slight social anxiety, how unbefit she is to be a superhero, etc. But when her classmate smiles at her and warmly greets her, she smiles back and for that moment, the fear disappears. It’s a mix of accepting who she is, but also doubting herself.

When the Mc became a superhero, she had a hard time accepting it. The Mc was initially very hesitant when it came to her responsibilities, and didn’t want to fight the villains due to her fear-- cowardice even. I imagined a scene where there’s a supervillain attacking the city and her kwami is encouraging her to fight but the Mc is just hiding away in an alleyway, completely petrified and refusing to move. Until eventually, after enough encouragement from her kwami, the Mc reluctantly tries to fight the supervillain and despite being very clumsy and bad at fighting, those kind superheroes-- a boy in a red suit with black spots(Marion-- M!Marinette), and a girl in a black suit with cat ears(Adrianne-- F!Adrien)-- reassured her and offered to teach her. Throughout the fic, I wanted to make the Mc grow more confident in her abilities and slowly grow from a shy, scared, cowardly person to a brave, courageous superhero who despite still having underlying fear about the whole superhero business, she still steps up to fight and put her life on the line because she realizes that it’s her moral obligation as a superhero to protect the city and its citizens, and she refuses to let her fear and anxiety prevent her from doing the thing that gives her a new-found purpose.

“I… I’m scared. What if I mess up and cause more harm than help? What if I let the city down?…I didn’t ask for any of this. I hate fighting, I hate having people look to me for help, and I hate how I’m forced to do this! But I suppose, those people in danger… they also didn’t ask for any of this too, huh?” -- Mc

In terms of the Mc and love, I think she’d understand the obvious signs due to having watched too many rom-coms but aside from that, she has next to no experience with love. Probably wouldn’t know if someone was flirting with her tbh.

“It would be nice to make some friends. I just hope they won’t get annoyed with me-- no, it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. Just smile and don’t be weird. There has to be someone in this class who’ll like me, right?” -- Mc

About the Mc-- Superhero:

Holder of a locket necklace that is inhabited by the spider miraculous-- Uttu. In order to activate, the Mc must say “Threads out”; to deactivate is “Threads in”. The Mc turns into a spider-themed superhero called White Spider (or Araignee Blanche?), who has the ability of impersonation. Her superhero weapon was originally going to be a tambourine which would have been absolutely perfect, but then I found out that Rose already had that weapon so instead the Mc uses a hula hoop, which she can use along with spiderwebs to do some real acrobatic stuff (aka spiderman shit). 

Just like how Ladybug’s (now “Misterbug”) special ability is Lucky Charm and Chat Noir’s (now “Chat Noire”) is Cataclysm, the Mc’s special ability would be “Tarantella”-- basically the Mc performs the Italian Tarantella dance (which is why I wanted her to have the tambourine weapon because that’s the instrument they use!) in order to wrap a supervillain in webs, allowing her to transform into that villain. From then on, it’s up to the Mc to use the villain’s abilities to her advantage while also having to adjust to the villain’s foreign fighting style. This is not as easy as it sounds, and initially the Mc will struggle a lot with this ability because it does require a certain “fluidity” in order to quickly get accustomed to new abilities, fighting styles, movement, everything. Not just that, but it also requires time for her teammates to get accustomed to her ability as well because after all, it would be very confusing fighting a villain when your teammate also appears like a carbon-copy of that villain-- save for the locket necklace aka the Mc’s miraculous. To summarize, the Mc’s special ability allows her to impersonate anybody-- typically used for supervillain fights-- which includes their weapon, abilities, voice and appearance, etc. 

“Okay, how do I use this parasol-- wait Chat Noire it’s me! It’s White Spi--!” -- Mc

I thought about whether to give the Mc a de-evilizing ability like Marinette (Marion) does and I think I will-- just hear me out. Spiderwebs are associated with dreamcatchers due to the whole “weaving” element and the purpose of a dreamcatcher is to “capture the bad dreams” while allowing the good dreams to pass on. Naturally, I thought about the Mc using her web spinning abilities to create a makeshift dreamcatcher out of her hula hoop to capture the akumas. However, I do think that the most the Mc would be able to do is just that-- capture the akumas, not actually purify like Marion because that’s not what dreamcatchers do! I actually imagined this scene in the fic where the Mc would continue to capture the akumas because Marion would be skipping superhero work for some reason(!) or whatever, and at some point, her web would be so full of captured akumas just wrapped up in the spiderweb, barely twitching, until she tries to capture a fourth or fifth akuma and the web just snaps and all the akumas fly free from the web. Imagine that, having a bunch of akumas flying around for Hawk Moth to use. Imagine the pure chaos that would create for the heroes lmao.

The Mc’s main color was going to be white-- like her superhero costume was going to be white with black spiderwebs-- because it was a color that hadn’t really been claimed by the other characters to my knowledge, and I thought it would fit in perfectly with Misterbug’s red and Chat Noire’s black colors.

“Alright, you can do this. Just believe in yourself and don’t freak out-- ack! Oh god, why me? Okay, okay, it’s just one villain. Here we go-- nope, nope, nope!” -- Mc

About the Spider Miraculous:

A fan-made miraculous I created just for this fic. I legit spent a solid night looking up all current miraculous so that I knew which animals were taken, and then come up with an original one. 

The spider miraculous Kwami is named Uttu-- inspired by the Sumerian goddess with the same name-- and she resides in the locket necklace. Personality-wise, Uttu was going to be more of a motherly figure to the Mc, very patient and wise. When the Mc’s anxiety takes over, and she becomes too petrified to fight the supervillains (when she was still new to the whole thing), Uttu was going to be the one to calm her down, reassure her, and encourage her. She would also try her best to look after the Mc, since she’s the only spider miraculous holder that doesn’t abuse her powers for evil/petty reasons. Uttu does secretly contain a mischievous, and malicious side to her but it only comes out occasionally-- a few moments of good-hearted mischief with the Mc, and a few moments where she secretly harbors malice for her past, irresponsible holders. Part of me thinks that Uttu lowkey resents Master Fu for handing her miraculous out willy-nilly without any consideration for her. Likewise, overtime Uttu would grow to despise Marion and Tikki once she notices the toxic and unhealthy behavior(!) Marion exhibits around her holder, Mc.

“I remember my past holders, and how irresponsible, petty, and selfish they were. I trusted Fu, I really did. But to put me in the hands of people like them… but you’re different. You fear my miraculous, yes that is true. However the reason that you are afraid, is because you understand the weight of the responsibility you hold. My power is not some plaything, and protecting this city is not some mere game-- you understand that. You are worthy, and for as long as you are my holder, I will always lend you my power, and protect you.” -- Uttu

About the Genderbend Aspects:

When I was initially brainstorming this fic, I knew right away that I wanted a female interest along with the male interest. What can I say, it’s more fun that way lmao. However this raises the question-- if I wanted a male and female interest then why genderbend the characters in the first place? Here’s why:

Even though I’m not caught up at all, I have seen a few analytical videos about Miraculous and something that caught my eye was Marinette. Or rather, the way that the show writes off Marinette’s creepy, borderline stalker behavior as “cute” and “funny”. Now take this all of this with a grain of salt. After reading a bit more about Marinette and watching the clips that showed her problematic behavior I was like “okay yeah I see what they mean”, but it also gave me writing inspiration. I immediately thought about Marinette as an unhinged yandere, just going all-in on her obsessive and stalker tendencies. But then I thought, “hmm, what if the reason some people don’t see her behavior as that bad is because she’s a girl?” Which gave me the idea: what if Marinette was genderbent? It’s like that one thing-- if you swap the genders of people and the behavior/action seems bad, then it is bad regardless of gender (ex. when a woman ab*ses a man vs when a man ab*ses a woman). Once you swap Marinette’s gender, the “cutesy” problematic behavior that the show brushes off suddenly seems really bad, and genuinely creepy and unhinged. So naturally, I preferred this Marinette (Marion) for entertainment purposes, and I really wanted to highlight these toxic and unhealthy traits. (I don’t condone this behavior whatsoever, I just think it makes some really good reading material) And since Marinette was going to be genderbent, I thought it would be fun to genderbend Adrien as well, to have that female interest to satisfy the gay in me. After all, with all of my works, I write for myself so I don’t really give a shit if others don’t like it.

It’s more fun that way.

Because I wanted to lmfao.

About Marinette:

Instead of Marinette, this genderbent version of herself was going to be called “Marion”. Likewise, I don’t know for sure what his superhero name would be. Instead of Ladybug, it would probably be “Misterbug” or something even though that was Adrien’s superhero name that one time he used the ladybug miraculous lmao.

According to my notes, I had two options lined up for Marion’s character:

Marion will be in “love” with Adrianne for the first part of the fic. He’ll act the way Marinette does in the show-- creepy but innocent-looking. Eventually, the Mc will do nice stuff that makes Marion obsess over her instead and craziness ensues.

OR

Marion is in love with Mc from the beginning of the fic, due to Mc being the one to do the umbrella scene instead of Adrianne. So right from the get-go, Marion does creepy actions but looks so innocent while doing so (and it’s very subtle) that nobody bats an eye, even the Mc. Craziness still ensues.

Marion doesn’t exactly “love”, but rather he obsesses just like Marinette from the show. He becomes obsessed with the idea of something, and he idealizes it to the point where it is severely disjointed from reality. And the real kicker is that he believes that this behavior is normal-- whether it is due to genuine naivety or him subconsciously trying to justify his actions. 

“What? I’m not stalking her-- I know the schedules of all my friends so it’s fine! …Why are you looking at me like that?” -- Marion

Unhealthy behavior aside, Marion is insecure deep down, and before “falling in love” he should first learn to love himself. Not just that, but Marion does feel immense pressure and stress under the weight of being the guardian of the miraculous. So when you add Mc to the equation-- someone kind who tries to help Marion love himself and share the burden of guardianship with him…! 

“You really mean that? You’ll always be there for me? That makes me so happy… I hope you’ll always be my partner. Even if Chat Noire leaves us, even if we’re against the entire world-- as long as you’re here with me, I’ll fight anything. You’re the only one I need, and I hope that someday… I’ll be the only one you need too.” -- Misterbug

Back to Marion’s unhealthy behavior, he would obsess over the Mc. Stalking her, getting jealous, keeping track of her personal plans, would probably break into her home and abuse his powers when it comes to her. But he would try to keep these actions as subtle as possible, as to not arouse suspicion. Would probably even occasionally abandon superhero work just to check up on Mc and panic when he can’t find her. In short, Marion in love with Mc would just be an unhinged yandere who’s main traits are his obsessive, stalking, deceiving, controlling, and jealous behavior, and his love is smothering-- almost suffocating-- for the Mc. When he notices Adrianne starting to act more protective of the Mc-- around him of all people as though he’s the threat-- that irritates Marion. When Marion realizes that the love Adrianne holds for Mc goes beyond platonic and enters romantic (wouldn’t think that Adrianne would be bi/gay for Mc), that’s when all hell breaks loose. From then on, just constant attempts to sabotage Adrianne and keep Mc to himself. Ladybug boy be wack.

“I noticed you’re spending a lot more time with Adrianne lately. You know, she probably just feels bad for you. What, you didn’t notice? That’s okay, you’ll always have me. I do really like you, you know. And seeing you with Adrianne, it makes me feel so… ah, don’t worry about it! You have nothing to worry about.” -- Marion

About Adrien:

Instead of Adrien, this genderbent version of himself was going to be called “Adrianne”. Instead of Chat Noir for her superhero name, it would probably be “Chat Noire”, that’s literally it lmfao. 

In this fic, Adrianne was childhood friends with Mc and Chloe. They met as little kids, with Mc being middle-class compared to the two. In fact, she met them by complete accident. But they all bonded and became friends. After Mc moves away, this causes Adrianne to become saddened by her departure while Chloe angrily dismisses her, while being hurt deep inside-- abandonment issues for both of them? By this point, Adrianne’s only friend before starting high school is Chloe. Adrianne knows that Chloe isn’t perfect, but she’s oblivious to the extent of her cruelty. Despite being friends with her since childhood, Adrianne isn’t very interested in Chloe’s affection. She’s one of the very few people who is on friendly terms with Chloe despite her spoiled attitude, even in front of others because of something I wanted to expand upon in this fic-- their parental issues.

Adrianne’s daddy issues and Chloe’s mommy issues. Both of them are neglected by their respective parent, trying to do what they can to make them proud. But they never receive that approval/attention and it hurts them deeply. Adrianne and Chloe can bond over this. They have and will continue to do so.

“Father doesn’t like me spending a lot time with other people, he says they’re a bad influence on me… but that’s not true! You, Nina, and Chloe, you all care about me, and help me! I wouldn’t want to lose you guys ever!” -- Adrianne

Adrianne has a desire to be loved, which makes her vulnerable. Of course this could stem back to Gabriel not really showing any love, her dislike of being alone, on top of her not being able to make contact with a lot of people, so she would try to seek out love like with Misterbug. To reference Cyrus the Great’s video, the reason why Adrien (or Adrianne here) is in love with Ladybug (Misterbug) is because Misterbug’s the only true friend she has, Adrianne finally has a healthy relationship. And yet time after time, Misterbug rejects her and although she tries to hide it, it does slowly chip away at her. I think Adrianne has to put on this facade that she’s happy and fine with how things are when in reality, she just wants to be free-- to have the freedom to make her own decisions. But most importantly, she wants to connect with other people. To be with the people she wants to be-- with her friends-- and to experience a reciprocated love. 

So when the Mc tries to interact with her, and rebuild their friendship from when they were children, it would definitely mean something. Yes, Adrianne is still upset and hurt from when Mc abandoned(!) her as kids but as time goes on, it starts to matter less and less. If the Mc supports Adrianne and becomes someone who she can let down her “perfect” facade and allow herself to be vulnerable with, then that would mean so much to Adrianne. Most people view her as someone perfect-- they idealize her while ignoring her flaws. But the Mc sees through that and is accepting of everything that Adrianne is. Adrianne struggles, she struggles with connecting to Gabriel for example, and she struggles with dealing with her emotions due to being emotionally abused. But Mc is someone who she can be free with, and soon enough bits of Chat Noire, who’s basically just a suppressed version of Adrianne, starts to leak through. 

“How did you know that I wasn’t happy? Guess I’m that obvious to you, huh? It’s just that-- everybody always thinks that I’m this perfect girl but I’m not. And for some reason, whenever I do struggle with something, it’s like I’m disappointing them. Like it’s my fault that I’m not good enough. Huh? What do you mean it’s not my fault? You really mean that? Wow… Finally, after all these years, I don’t have to worry anymore. Thank you.” -- Adrianne

At some point, Adrianne will feel something for Mc. It slowly grows from a platonic type of love to a more romantic kind. Even though they’re both girls, it doesn’t matter. It feels right, and that’s what is important. Adrianne is very protective of Mc, especially against a certain ladybug-themed superhero who’s acting more strange towards her. The Mc’s safety and happiness is Adrianne’s highest priority. Even though she has unhealthy ways of dealing with her emotions, especially when it comes to Mc and love, Adrianne is more stable and less unhinged than Marion. Despite this, she’ll still feel jealous when she sees Mc acting too friendly to another person, which makes her feel insecure, and she lowkey dislikes it when White Spider (Mc) rejects her affections. Side note, Adrianne as Chat Noire probably has her own "m'lady" equivalent nickname for White Spider. Maybe "my cherie" or something?? Idk man. In summary, Adrianne’s love for Mc is her being overprotective-- sacrificial even-- over the Mc, being a bit jealous, and when shit hits the fan, she becomes more willing to temporarily put her morals aside to do what is necessary to protect Mc. She’d also crave reciprocated affection and attention from the Mc too (and affirmations that this time, she won't leave her side).

“As long as I can be beside you, and see your smile, then that’s enough for me. You’ve brought me so much light-- you’re the key to my gilded cage and I am eternally grateful to be your friend. I’ll always protect you from all harm, I promise. We’re partners after all! Me and you, the cat and the spider! Maybe one day, we can finally remove our masks and truly be with each other…!” -- Chat Noire

About the Other Characters:

To make things more fun and chaotic for me, I decided to genderbend other characters too. So:

Alya—> Alan

Nino—> Nina

Chloe—> Cole/Clo (??? no idea if she’s going to be genderbent tho, tbd)

Lila—> Lilo (no clue, tbd)

Rose—> Ross

Juleka—> Julien (dang it Juleka why you have a difficult name to bend??)

Luka—> Luka (no clue, tbd)

Kagami—> Kagami (no clue, tbd)

I didn’t decide on anything for Luka or Kagami, since there’s some interesting outcomes that could emerge with either option, and also I’ve literally never seen an episode with them *clown emoji*. 

Actually I did watch some clips and analysis summaries about Luka dating Marinette so one idea I had was: what if at some point Mc and Luka begin dating? Like they date, and it’s actually a healthy relationship because the Mc is caring and considerate of him, like she understands the faint abandonment issues Luka has with his dad and she tries to be there for him. Until Marion and Adrianne catch wind of this and something bad(!) happens. Additionally, Luka and Marion could have a history together where they dated, but then it becomes kinda neglectful and full of lies on Marion's part and that’s where the Mc steps up to offer some advice. No idea about what to do with Kagami though. *shrug* 

“It’s okay Luka. I’m here for you.” -- Mc

I also don’t know whether to genderbend Chloe or not, or Gabriel too. Probably wouldn’t change much tbh.

“Buzz off! I don’t want to hear it, got that?! We’re not friends anymore! You should have just stayed back home…” -- Chloe

About the Plot:

Alright, here’s what y’all are probably waiting for. This fic was going to be a lot darker than the original show, with psychological and sociological elements that I like to incorporate into my fics, and all characters would be aged up to around 17-18. 

The biggest issue I’ve always had with this fic was the plot. Part of the reason has to do with the show itself, how there isn’t really a main plot. Every episode is just a different supervillain and Hawk Moth failing to get the miraculouses and that’s it lmao. So yeah, kinda hard to create an overarching plot for this, at least for me. But still, here’s an attempt:

❅ ❅ ❅

The Mc would return to Paris and get adjusted to life and school there. Shortly after, she receives the Spider miraculous and becomes a (reluctant) superhero. Mc meets Misterbug and Chat Noire, looking up to them as mentor figures. Meanwhile as a student, Mc tries to reconnect with Adrianne and Chloe, partially due to them being childhood friends and the other part being her sensing the sadness in Adrianne.

“Um, hello! You’re Adrianne, right? Do you remember me…?” -- Mc

From then on, it’s quite simple. Mc as a student is just trying to befriend Adrianne and Chloe, Chloe lowkey bullies her because resentment, and Mc gets adjusted to life in France again. Mc as a superhero is trying to get more proficient at fighting supervillains, while her relationship with Misterbug and Chat Noire continues to grow. From Adrianne’s perspective, she feels intrigued by Mc’s attempt to reach out to her, and decides to reciprocate the friendship since she sees no harm in it. From Marion’s perspective, it depends on which option I choose for him. Either he’s obsessed with Adrianne and sees Mc trying to befriend her as an annoyance which may nor may not involve retribution, or he’s already obsessed with Mc and becomes jealous of Adrianne for stealing her attention, and hates Chloe for bullying Mc, which also may or may not involve retribution.

If Marion is obsessed with Adrianne initially: it would be very interesting to see him go against Mc. I can imagine Marion being irritated by Mc suddenly trying to befriend Adrianne, while simultaneously hating Chloe for stealing Adrianne’s attention. When Marion’s obsession goes too far, maybe Mc and Chloe would put their differences aside and work together to help Adrianne. It would be very interesting interactions, especially between Mc and Chloe because Chloe has reasons to treat Mc the way she does-- she views Mc leaving her as a betrayal, an abandonment. Mc could realize that, and apologize for that, since she acknowledges that it was her fault for ignoring how her departure affected her childhood friends.

“I hate you, but I hate Marion more. So I guess I’ll help you deal with Marion-- but I’m only doing this for Adrianne okay? So don’t get the wrong idea! …I just don’t want anything bad to happen to her.” -- Chloe

"Is something wrong? If you two don't have anything to say, then if you'll excuse me, I have somewhere very important to be." -- Marion

Lila would then get introduced to the fic and just reck shit up. If I wanted to give the Mc some convoluted connection to her, I would write that Mc as a kid moved to Italy and met Lila there (and that’s where she lived for most of her life) and idk she did something that made Lila pissed and now Lila wants vengeance or whatever. Either that, or they don’t know each other and being transfer students is the only thing they have in common. But then Mc does something that pisses Lila off (maybe exposing her lies?) and thus she becomes her enemy. Maybe Mc sees Lila lying to Adrianne or something and tells her off which Lila does not appreciate, and seeing Adrianne agree with Mc embarrasses her. Or idk, I don’t remember this Lila shit. It is then that Marion’s unhingedness starts to truly shine through, and Adrianne starts to view Mc as a friend.

After the Lila fiasco, things continue. Mc and Adrianne are now proper friends, Mc and Marion also start to hang out too. Also at some point, Chloe finally comes to terms with her feelings about Mc and finally manages to forgive Mc for leaving her, and apologize for treating her badly. Basically Mc is making friends. Mc, Misterbug, and Chat Noire are also becoming a strong team. Marion/Misterbug becoming more obsessed and unhinged (and jealous of either Adrianne or Mc depending on option), while Adrianne/Chat Noire likes Mc and starts to feel something stronger grow.

“It’s funny Plagg. I really like her, I do! Even though we’re friends, why do I still feel something else for her? It’s like there’s this weird feeling, and I can’t control it… Maybe this pounding in my chest-- could it be happiness?” -- Adrianne

And then Luka and Kagami get introduced. I think it would be really interesting to have that little plotline of Mc and Luka dating, after enough bonding of course. Maybe Marion and Luka dated prior to this (along with Adrianne and Kagami?) as some sort of mind game over the Mc. Anyway, showing a genuinely healthy relationship would really stand out against the unhealthy behavior and unhingedness (of Marion mainly). Personally for me, I like to add some ‘normalcy’ to my fics to contrast against the unhinged elements-- makes the unhealthy parts more powerful imo. But since happy endings don’t exist in my fics (most of them lmao), something bad would happen to Luka. Probably caused by Marion. Although Adrianne probably did something a bit fucked up too-- courtesy of a bit of moral degradation. But anyway yeah it would just create a lot of chaos and if Marion was obsessed with Adrianne initially: this is probably when he would switch obsessions, from Adrianne to Mc. For Adrianne, this is when she would realize that the strange feeling she feels is love, and when she sees the Mc with Luka, it creates a new, ugly feeling within her-- jealousy. Jealousy, which leads to rather unsavory actions. Once Luka is “dealt with” that’s when shit hits the fan.

“H-how could this happen? Luka… W-who would do this to you? I swear, I’ll find out who did this. Someone who would do something this cruel and vile… Luka, tell me, does vengeance count as a heroic action?” -- Mc

A saddened and depressed Mc is not the most stable Mc. She’s always tired, stressed-out, anxious, and snaps at people out of frustration. She tries to apologize for her hurtful actions, but it’s not always accepted and the guilt adds to the weight on her shoulders. But luckily for her, there’s two people to pick up the pieces: Marion and Adrianne. Silently listening to her woes and troubles. At this point, Marion and Adrianne realize the other’s feelings for the Mc. From now on, it’s just a constant fight for her love. Adrianne tries to keep Mc away from Marion, while Marion tries to keep Mc close to him. I don’t know if Misterbug and Chat Noire would know each other’s true identity-- probably? It would definitely spice things up and add to the chaos. But of course, Mc wouldn’t know their true identities. Or maybe eventually she would? *shrug*

“There, there, it’s okay. I got you. Why don’t you tell me what’s on your mind? If there’s anything I can do to help you, anything at all, just tell me and I’ll do it. If it’s revenge that you want, then allow me to dirty my hands for you.” -- Misterbug

“Are you alright? You look like you haven’t slept in days… Why don’t you go take a nap? Don’t worry, I’ll make sure the teacher doesn’t know. Me? Oh I’m fine-- I’m more worried about you! Listen… Maybe you should take tomorrow off. I’m serious, don’t go to school tomorrow.” -- Adrianne

Whilst all of this is happening, Mc is secretly trying to figure out what happened to Luka-- if I chose to go through with his plotline. Uttu is also there, giving advice to the Mc. Uttu senses the corrupt desires of Marion and Adrianne (well more Marion tbh) and voices her worries to Mc who takes them to heart.

“Be wary, be clever, be brave. No matter what, do not let yourself become prey to the demons hiding in daylight. Mind my words, or else they will wrap you up in their web and never let you go.” -- Uttu.

I wonder if at this point, Marion and Adrianne would confess their feelings to really make things chaotic now. Imagine it, Marion, or Misterbug, takes Mc to someplace private. He reveals his true identity-- that he’s Marion-- and confesses his eternal love to her. Mc is just so shocked, while Marion grows ever more desperate for an answer-- for a sign that she reciprocates his feelings-- anything. But when she declines, Marion could swear that he feels his heart break right then and there. He’s so heartbroken that he barely even notices Mc leaving him, a conflicted expression on her face. Tikki asks him what’s wrong. Marion ignores her. His unhealthy, toxic behavior is now blatant, and obvious. Almost as though he wants the Mc to notice him-- notice what she’s done to him…

“I love you. There, I said it! I love you, I really do! I’ve been watching you, and I’ve seen how kind and brave you are-- more than any other person I know. You’ve always been so gentle and caring to me that I don’t want to lose you, ever. I want you by my side, whether we’re fighting bad guys together or we’re studying at school. So? Do you… accept? …Oh. Oh. Did I do something wrong? No, of course not! So why…? Are you really just going to leave me like that? …No, I won't allow it. I will make you mine, one way or another.” -- Marion

I feel like Mc still hasn’t moved on from Luka, and she doesn’t feel that way for Marion anyway due to how Marion treated her in the past and also how suspicious his behavior is around her. Mc runs somewhere, then bumps into Adrianne who comforts her. Mc lets herself be held by Adrianne, relieved that there’s someone she can depend on. Adrianne comforts her, tells her kind, assuring words… which slowly changes into her telling Mc how much she means to her. Mc slowly realizes what’s going on, and is too late to stop it. Adrianne reveals that she’s Chat Noire, and after proving it with such a happy, beautiful smile on her face, Adrianne confesses her romantic love to Mc. Mc, too shocked and overwhelmed, also tearfully refuses and runs away.

“Shh, that’s okay. Just rest, okay? You’ve been through so many things, and you’ve had to endure it all while dealing with us too. It’s okay, you don’t have to take on that burden alone anymore. I got you.  You’re just so strong, and kind, and selfless… it’s some of the many things I like about you. Ever since you’ve entered my life all those years ago, you’ve brought me so much happiness. Even now, after you left me, that feeling hasn’t gone away. Instead, it grew so much that it took me a while to realize what it is now. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I love you.” -- Adrianne

Anyway a bunch of crazy shit happens, Marion acts even more unhinged and creepy as fuck while Adrianne also starts to lose herself. Seeing Mc run away from her kinda resonates with her fear of being alone + abandonment issues so Adrianne does start to get unhinged too. Despite this, she still tries her best to protect Mc first and foremost even though Mc’s kinda on-edge about everything now. Wait I forgot to say what Hawk Moth is doing while all this shit is happening. Probably just doing what he always does, akumatizing people and yada yada. I wonder if the Mc would get akumatized too, I mean she is going through a lot of negative emotions especially after something bad happens to Luka. Also, I wonder if Gabriel would notice the changes in his daughter, like how Adrianne is spending more and more time with Mc. Honestly I don’t know what butterfly man is doing lmao. 

The ending of the fic would have at least three endings: an ending with Marion; an ending with Adrianne; and an ending for the Mc. No idea what the big, epic climax would be-- another reason why I couldn’t write this fic-- but it would probably be very dramatic and edgy. Hawk Moth would probably akumatize one of the people in each ending too. One last thing, I think at this point, Mc would try to use her miraculous (with Uttu’s urgent pleas) to impersonate someone else just so she can be safe. But of course, they would figure out that it’s her.

“Run. Run, my dear. Search for a sanctuary where they can’t find you and no matter what, don’t look back. Do you understand? Good, now run!” -- Uttu

Marion’s ending would just literally be him keeping the Mc to himself and just obsess over her and suffocate her with his love while half of Paris is in shambles and Adrianne probably dies or something lmfao. Probably gets to keep his ladybug miraculous too while he takes away the Mc’s spider miraculous, also idk who gets akumatized in this ending. 

“Finally, I have you all to myself. No one will ever be able to take you away from me now, no one. I love you so much, now we’ll be together forever. Forever, and ever, and ever, all mine.” -- Marion

Adrianne’s ending is just her dragging Mc with her to get away from an akumatized Marion and then an epic fight happens between her and Marion. Marion probably dies or something idk because I like tragedy (or maybe still alive but arrested? He gets to watch the love of his life pair up with his now arch-nemesis which has gotta sting), but Adrianne is also kinda injured too. Mc is all like omg you risked your life to save me and Adrianne is just happy she’s fine. After all the dramatic stuff and crying, Mc and Adrianne get together, and I hope Adrianne gets help because she’s not good with dealing with her emotions. Maybe Mc will encourage her and support her *shrug*. Master Fu would probably want their miraculouses back, but upon discovering that Marion’s gone and there needs to be the new guardian, they kinda become the new ones or something idk.

“I-I’m so glad… That you’re f-finally safe. Oh, please don’t cry for me. I-I’m okay… I love you. I will always love you, there will never be anyone else that could even come close to you. So please don’t cry for me. I’m happy that at least in this lifetime… I'm not alone anymore.” -- Adrianne

Mc’s ending is her rejecting both Marion and Adrianne (Marion’s too crazy, Adrianne will only get hurt). Some big epic fight probably plays out, a lot of unhinged stuff and dramatic yelling for the Mc maybe. Hawk Moth probably causes more chaos, maybe he akumatizes both Marion and Adrianne who knows? At the end, I don’t really know what would happen to Marion and Adrianne. No matter what happens, Marion and Adrianne lose their miraculous, and idk what else would happen to them. Mc either tries to get therapy from all the shit that’s happened and tries to live a happy life or if Luka is still alive, maybe they get back together???? Idk, you can really tell how much thought I put into these endings lmfao.

“So you were the one who hurt Luka… did you really expect me to forgive you after everything you’ve done? Marion, you need help. A lot of it. And Adrianne… I’m sorry but I also can’t give you what you want. You took part in what happened to Luka and I can’t accept you for that. I still care about you but… I don’t like you in that way. I hope both of you find happiness in your lives, I truly do.  Goodbye, and I’m sorry.” -- Mc

❅ ❅ ❅

I don’t know why, but part of me prefers the “Marion obsessed with Adrianne first” option. Firstly, it would be refreshing to read a fic where Marinette actually initially dislikes the Mc instead of immediately wanting to become her friend (not that it’s bad or anything). Secondly, I think it would be interesting as the reader to see how Marion’s obsession can affect others. Imagine being the enemy of an obsessed yandere. They try to sabotage you, keep you away from the one they love, turn people against you, etc. All the while pretending to be your acquaintance, smiling at you while the thoughts in their mind paints a more sinister picture. Scary, isn’t it? Mc can sense some darkness lurking underneath Marion’s friendly smile, but it’s only when too many awful coincidences match up, and she catches a glance of his darkened gaze that she realizes that it’s all on purpose. He’s trying to take her out. And all just because she’s trying to get close to Adrianne? All the more reason to get closer to her then.

But what happens when Marion’s obsession for Adrianne fades away, and instead shifts itself over to the Mc? I think it would be even more frightening because you the reader knows the things that Marion does for the one he loves. Therefore, you know just how far he’s willing to go. You know the full extent of his obsession and how it puts others in danger. The Mc knows this too, but she doesn’t know that now he’s doing it for her. She just thinks that it’s nice that Marion no longer considers her a threat, that they’re finally becoming friends, nothing more. But Adrianne knows. When she realizes that Marion, who was once obsessed with her, is now focusing his obsession onto the Mc? That scares her. Now she’s the enemy, but more importantly, now she needs to protect the Mc. A Marion who’s obsessed with Mc from the start is cool, but I think this one is more interesting just because it offers a lot more different dynamics especially between Mc and Marion. But that’s just me. *shrug*

Imagine if Marion actually temporarily teamed up with Hawk Moth, with their obsessions for their loved ones being the only thing they have in common. Just an interesting thought.

What if there was another Lila side plot where she figures out that Mc is White Spider (Tarantella is an Italian dance-- Lila is Italian, probably thought it was strange that Mc was able to dance the same dance that a superhero does) and then probably blackmails Mc. Then, when someone close to Mc (Marion/Adrianne/Luka??) tries to confront Lila, Lila tells them the truth about Mc’s identity and they’re like omg I can’t believe it, and now they know the Mc’s secret. Just a thought.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~

Ta-daaa!!! That’s the end of the notes!! I kinda wish I had the energy to properly write this fic because it would slap so much but: I don’t have the time to get caught up to the show; there’s just too many possibilities and options for this fic that I’m too ‘paralyzed by choice’ to really decide on anything; I heard the fandom’s kinda toxic and I ain’t interested in that shit; this fic would probably be a good 500 pages tbh and that’s too much for me lmfao.

Sorry if this was a bit hard to read/understand, it was kinda hard for me to articulate all this chaos so sorry about that.

So yea, that’s my unhinged Miraculous Ladybug fanfic. If you enjoyed reading this, that makes me happy! Once again, just to reiterate, I write for myself first and foremost, and for the people on the internet second. I just wanted to post this primarily to share my spider miraculous + Mc spider superhero out there, and then I was like ok might as well share the entire fic. 

Ok that’s all buh-bye!

#miraculous ladybug #ml #marinette dupain cheng #adrien agreste #ml ladybug #chat noir #fanfic #long post #genderbend #marinette x reader #adrien x reader #reader #obsession #yandere

[silvfyre-writings]

Snapshots Pt. 5 (BSD Fanfic)

Welcome baaaack, I hope I didn't keep you all waiting for too long! Life has been a bit busy for me (working full time does not leave much time for writing honestly) but I'm doing my best to keep you all fed!!!

Poe was afraid of many things, but some were worse than others.

Crowds were one of his fears, albeit a minor one. Rather than make him scared, they made him uncomfortable—his time in the Guild with forced socialization was to thank for that,

but if you gave him the choice of staying home or going out into society, it was an obvious choice as to which one he would pick. It wasn’t that he hated socializing, because when he was comfortable and happy, he was actually quite good at it, it was just that he never really had enough time to prepare for the socialization. And preparation was key when it came to his fear of crowds. Because with the proper preparation, he was able to go out—usually with someone else, because he rarely ventured outside by himself—and have what he liked to consider a ‘good time.’ But if he wasn’t able to prepare, then any and all interactions within the outside world were filled with anxiety and stress that continued to build the longer he was out. And once that anxiety started to build, it seldom went away, escalating until he was either breaking down into panic or safely at home.

So yeah, Poe didn’t really consider his fear of crowds a true fear, but rather a discomfort.

Another one of his minor fears was his own ability, and the only reason that he considered it a minor fear was because recent events had helped him to accept that his ability could help rather than harm. Because for as long as he could remember, all his ability had ever done was harm others, usually against his will since he hadn’t had the same control over it as a child that he did now. He remembers every person he’s ever killed with his ability, whether it be an accident, on purpose, or for the Guild, and it hurts every time he remembers those people. There was only one person that Poe didn’t regret killing, and that was the person he caught abusing an innocent baby raccoon, the mother already dead from that person’s abuse.

Had that incident still scared him and made him aware of just how dangerous his ability was? Yes. But did he regret using it in that moment to save the life of an innocent creature? No.

After that incident however, Poe swore off his ability; at least, until the Guild had come along and Fitzgerald had found his ability fascinating to use, for all the wrong reasons of course. Poe may have been made the Guild’s Architect, but he was the Guild’s prison warden in a sense, trapping Fitzgerald’s enemies into books that the man had him create. The books he created in that time were barbaric and cruel, but he did it anyway. Because Poe wasn’t the nice person he allowed himself to think he was, and he needed the Guild’s resources for his revenge plot against that detective that had bested and mocked him.

Edogawa Ranpo.

Poe had had it all thought out, had it all planned down to the last detail, and he knew that his plan would work, and that he’d finally kill the greatest source of his misery. He wasn’t fond of having to use his ability to do so, but there was no way that he’d be able to win against Ranpo without first stripping Ranpo of the very thing that made him the ‘World’s Greatest Detective.’ His ability. For six years, Poe had thought about how unfair it was that Ranpo had been handed an ability that brought him no pain, no suffering, no fear, when every other ability user that Poe knew or had crosses paths with, had been, or was frightened of the power they held, including himself.

Only, Ranpo’s ability wasn’t an ability, and once again Poe was defeated.

He’d expected that to be the end of him. He’d expected Ranpo to mock him, he’d expected Ranpo’s companion to straight up kill him herself, but neither of those things happened. Instead, Ranpo praised him, praised his ability, and Poe had been stunned, just watching as they snatched the Moby Dick plans and left. He’d thought that the end, but then Ranpo had tracked him down and forced himself into Poe’s life, befriending him, praising him… loving him. All things Poe had been deprived of for so long, but there was one thing that Ranpo did that helped him to fear his ability less; he actually asked Poe to use his ability on him again the next time he wrote something.

Actually asked him.

And then Ranpo had asked again, and again, and over time, Poe began to look forward to showing Ranpo his latest work, and over time, the fear he had of his ability, lessened. It was still there, and would probably always be there, but it wasn’t at prominent as it once had been.

Poe’s biggest fear though, was heights.

For as long as he could remember, he’d always feared any and all activities that required his feet to leave the ground; the thought of even leaving the ground in the first place was enough to send his heart racing, and make his palms sweat. The first time he’d been coerced into leaving the ground had been at the local fair, his adoptive parents taking him there because all children loved the local fairs, right? Wrong. Poe remembered that day clearly, and how terrified and anxious he’d felt; hand held tight by his adoptive mother with hoards of people pushing against them no matter where they walked. But that hadn’t been the worst part, no, the worst part had been when the woman had decided that he needed to see the fair from as high as possible, and had taken him on the Ferris Wheel.

He’d tried to refuse, begging his adoptive mother to go on literally any other ride but that one, but she had been adamant.

The entire time he’d been trapped in that box, Poe had cried and trembled, fear giving way to panic in seconds as the ground grew further and further away. His adoptive mother had told him to stop being stupid, and Poe wanted to yell that it wasn’t his fault, that he hadn’t asked to be born with this fear—because even scared out of his mind, he could admit there was a beauty in seeing things from up high, but it just wasn’t for him. Yet for some reason, the people sworn to take care of him couldn’t see it that way, and the years after the fair were actual hell, because his adoptive parents deemed his fear of heights pathetic and stupid, and tried to deal with it by subjecting him to heights as often as possible. Something stuck on the roof? He had to climb up and get it. Travelling to another city? He had to deal with the mountainous roads. And sure, exposure therapy probably worked for some people.

But not Poe.

No, it only made his fear worse.

How did I wind up in this situation? Poe squeezed his eyes shut; his back pressed as close to the wall as he could get. Poe continued to question himself, even as his breathing picked up until he was more gasping and choking than actually breathing. His throat bobbed, and he let his head thud against the wall; he was trembling and trembling bad, and it was only because of the force that he was using to keep himself against the wall, that he didn’t collapse into a heap. He dug his nails into the brick behind him, the pain keeping him tethered to reality, doing his best to ignore the sweat making its way down the back of his neck.

Poe’s hands felt clammy, and his blood roared in his ears, his heart pounding so fast that if he wasn’t already aware that he was panicking, he’d start to think he was having a heart attack. But even though he knew it was panic, that knowledge did nothing to help stop it; if anything, it only made him panic more. At this point, the only thing that would stop this panic of his, would be to get off the roof he’d found himself standing on, but he couldn’t do that because he was panicking, and when he panicked he couldn’t move; it was just an endless cycle that would only end when eventually, the lack of oxygen made him pass out.

But he had to.

He had to because Ranpo was beside the edge of the roof, handcuffed, bleeding from a head wound, and unable to move. Poe could hear him groaning and shifting about, but with his eyes closed, he couldn’t do anything but listen. He wanted nothing more than to rush over and pull Ranpo into his arms, to feel the warmth of his skin and the beating of his heart against his own, but he just…

Could. Not. Move.

So stupid. Poe slid to the ground.

“Poe…”

It’s not even that tall. But it was, it was so high.

“Poe, please.”

You are going to die. No he wasn’t, but—

“Edgar!” The sound of his given name, yelled so desperately, gave him the strength to open his eyes, and it only took a second for his frightened ones to meet Ranpo’s equally distressed eyes. “Edgar, please, you need to breathe.”

He tried, he really did try, to take that one breath that would tell him that everything would be fine, but it got caught in his throat and he choked on it instead. And instead of getting mad or impatient and yelling at him, Ranpo continued to talk calmly, encouraging him to take that one breath that would kickstart his respiratory system into functioning again.

Finally, Poe managed to take a breathe and hold it for longer than a second, and his mind cleared just a little. Feeling sure of himself, Poe took another breath, and another, the world returning to its normal state the more breaths he took. The panic that had been running rampant through him began to ease, still there and threatening, but falling back into the back of his mind where he could ignore it so long as he was distracted.

And Ranpo was plenty distracting. “Ran—Ranpo—I—”

“It’s fine, don’t apologize.” Ranpo said, eyes soft. “Just keep breathing, okay?”

Poe nodded, and let his eyes fall shut, allowing the world to disappear for just a moment. He wasn’t going to be able to ignore it forever, but for now, he did. After a few minutes of silence, Poe opened his eyes again and looked over Ranpo, taking stock of his partner’s condition now that he was in the right state of mind to actually do so.

The wound on Ranpo’s head was crusted with dried blood, with trails running down his face and staining his shirt, and he looked a little tired. It was impossible to tell just from that if Ranpo was concussed, but it was obvious that the injury was paining him from the way his eyes only flicked open every now and then.

At some point during Poe’s panic, Ranpo had tried to get closer to him, because rather than next to the edge like Poe remembered him being, he was now halfway between the edge and Poe. He swallowed the anxiety that threatened to rise, and slowly began to shuffle across the roof, keeping his eyes on Ranpo; the temptation to look elsewhere was strong, but he refused, because he knew that the moment he became aware of his situation again, he’d be lost to panic again. With every step that Poe took, Ranpo was there with words of encouragement, and it was with those words that Poe found the strength to creep along, even though his entire body was shaking, and he really just wanted to run away and go back to the ground.

“There’s a bobby pin in my pocket.” Ranpo said the moment that Poe was beside him, eyes that were glazed with pain staring right through him. The detective twisted until his pockets were within reach, and Poe didn’t hesitate to find the pin, pushing Ranpo over more so that he could reach the cuffs keeping his hands behind his back.

Even with shaking hands, it only took Poe a few seconds to get the cuffs off. “Got—Got them.”

Immediately, Poe found himself being pulled into Ranpo’s arms, and his vision went dark as his face was hidden against the crook of Ranpo’s neck. Poe sagged, and let out a sigh as he returned the embrace, clutching at the back of Ranpo’s shirt like his life depended on it, even though the danger had long since passed and all that remained was his longstanding fear of heights. One of Ranpo’s hands began to toy with his hair, fingers twisting and threading themselves between the locks, and Poe felt soft lips press against his temple.

“Breathe, Edgar.” Ranpo murmured, holding him gently. “You’re safe, I’m safe. You did it.”

“It’s so—It’s so—” Poe fumbled over his words, letting out a whine instead.

“It’s so high?” He nodded. “I know, but trust that I’ll get us down, alright? You just need to stop shaking so much before I try and move us.”

“Are you alright?” Poe asked, having forgotten in the heat of his panic that Ranpo had only been seconds from losing his life when he had arrived. Not to mention the detective was most likely still hurting from the blow to the head he’d taken—Poe couldn’t help but feel guilty about needing help when his love also needed help.

Ranpo nodded, and gave him a squeeze. “Nothing some painkillers won’t fix. It’s not my first brush with death, remember?”

“I know, I just—nngh—”

“You were just scared?”

Bless Ranpo for knowing him so well. Poe nodded and pulled away from Ranpo, confident that he wasn’t going to panic now—the talking had done wonders for his panic, and even his shaking was lessening. He stared into Ranpo’s eyes, and brushed some stray hair out of the others face, taking care to brush over Ranpo’s injury with the lightest of touches; still, Ranpo flinched, a minute one, but one all the same, and Poe sighed. “I’m sorry.”

Ranpo tilted his head. “What for?”

“For taking too long.”

If he’d just been a little faster, a little smarter, he would’ve been able to figure out where Ranpo’s attacker had taken him long before Ranpo had been hurt, and in turn, completely avoid having to climb the ten story building in order to stop the attacker from throwing Ranpo off the roof. Sure, it’d ended well this time; the criminal was trapped in Poe’s novel, and Ranpo was safe and alive, but it should never have gotten to that stage in the first place. He should’ve been able to stop it from going that far.

He always called himself Ranpo’s rival, yet right now, he felt nothing of the sort.

“Edgar, please, get out of your head before you send yourself over the edge.” Ranpo’s hands came up to cup at his cheeks. “Focus on the positive that everything is fine. That we are both fine and good. We’ll go home, patch me up, and cuddle in bed. But first, we need to get off the roof, okay? Are you ready to go home?”

Poe nodded, and squeezed his eyes shut, sliding his hands to grip at Ranpo’s own, placing his trust into his partner’s hands. He felt Ranpo squeeze his hands and stand, and he followed the other’s guiding squeezes and words until he too, was standing. Poe focused all his attention on the warmth that was Ranpo’s hand clutched in his own, and ran a thumb over the smooth skin to further focus. Because he knew that the moment that he stopped focusing, he would end up right back where he started, and honestly, he was a little tired of his weak constitution. So he kept his eyes closed, and he kept holding onto Ranpo’s hands as they made their way down the stairs, taking it slow, and keeping close to each other.

Because as scared as Poe was right now, he knew that Ranpo wouldn’t let any harm come to him, and it didn’t matter what fear it was—whether it be his fear of crowds, or his fear of heights—Ranpo was always there with reassuring touches and gentle whispers, slowing both himself and the world down to Poe’s pace.

Until he was ready to face it again.

#bsd #bungo stray dogs #bsd fanfic #ranpoe #edogawa ranpo #edgar allan poe #hurt/comfort #comfort #acrophobia #writing #fanfic

[verykaiotic]

howdy all! kip here, am i re-introducing myself to you, not really. but kai's my main blog so hi, i'm them. hehe, anyways here is a post tour, organized and updated intro for infinite's bad, baby boy! you can find his profile, kprofile, and pinterest linked and all the updated information is bellow!

 —— welcome to infinite entertainment! it's MALACHI 'KAISO' SOH, who is a SOLOIST. i’ve heard whispers that the 23 year old is pretty CHARMING but lowkey DISQUETED. also, doesn’t he remind you of KIM SUNWOO?

pre-debut

malachi was born to single mother soh jimin (jaime soh) in daegu. she moved to a suburb of chicago before he was even able to talk so he was raised there. 

he grew up in a south suburb of the city that wasn’t the greatest place, malachi knew night sirens and metal detectors at the doors of his school the next morning. 

his mother struggled with addiction most of his life, and kai often found himself surviving and gathering his basic needs on his own.

he has a love/hate relationship with his mom she was very much not a great woman but she tried.

they didn’t have a lot of cash and kai had to start working at a young age he excelled in school and this allowed him to go to a nice “private” school on scholarship later in his school career, with the extra resources he was able to really excel in the things he loved (art, poetry, music, etc).

with the help of the school and the community around him they budded his love for music and comics and things of that nature, helping get him the things he needed.

while at his new school he met his new gang of friends, and a shared love of music pushed them to form a small little band that took off by being just really really talented kids with a lot of spunk. (side note: fell in love with a girl in said band and well…he’s self destructive.)

but his time there was short lived as the moment he was scouted at a talent competition, (along with another band mate), as their front man he took the first flight they offered to korea and joined a pretty big, though relatively new company. never looking back and getting as far away from jaime as possible.

he came to korea subsequently alone as he does/did his best to cut all contact with the only family he had.

he never got to finish high school in a normal high school and despite being incredibly smart he finished at his performance school with subpar grades, mans was extremely depressed during his trainee days.

at debut

unlike a lot of idols malachi had the opportunity to technically debut 3 times. 

his first debut was in 2013, he debuted as the producer, leader, main rapper and center of epik at starglass entertainment. 

his time in epik was terrible to say the least, his social anxiety began to manifest in its full form. and of course like most companies back then they hadn’t really care and made little efforts to keep it at bay. instead they pushed him to be the face of the band as the only english speaker and member with performance experience and malachi, fighting his own demons was forced to take care of 6 other boys.

epik was the type of group with a boyish sound (i cannoned their disco to being nct dream and seventeen), they were known for their bright colors and fresh concepts and hard hitting, synchronized choreography. 

they were known as a ‘clean group’ absent of scandals and korea’s pride but even in that malachi was not happy.

he did give his all and was granted the third gen ‘it’ boy, title shortly into his debut

even writing and producing most of the groups disco there were seldom any moments he was deliberately proud of the sound and style of the group, on top of his failing mental health and worsening depression. this pushed him to fall from his quiet but entertaining and personable idol to a more reserved, background character of his group even as the leader. while he was a popular member, the decline in his interacting directly led to the slight decline in his popularity.

to add to his work load he was asked to write and produce for his companies girl group at the time (canoned ex-iz*one) later in his career and helped produce a few of their hits

personally he felt as though because of this the company started to ‘neglect him’ a bit more. almost as a punishment for causing fan backlash from his change in ambiance as well as popularity, and eventually decided to prematurely terminate his contract with starglass in 2017.

during his time in epik he’d ground close with their manager, who essentially followed him into the purgatory that was being without a company. he stayed with that manager from the moment he left the epik dorm all the way through his trainee days in the new company.

it was also during his darkest times in epik that he became close with fellow soloist fleur, who resparked the fleeting flame of the job he use to love. she pushed his production career further by allowing him to write a few songs for her, resulting in his very first industry collab as a soloist later dien

during career 

in  the same year malachi found himself slightly homeless but at a new company (PSYCH Ent.)  who was also pretty new themselves. they had two groups under their belt a girl group and a boy group who were popular but not as much (i guess the vibes of like??? g-idle before recently and maybe like stray kids in the very beginning?) but with his faith in them he re-debuted with a new concept, a new sound and something that was unapologetically him.

by 2018 he released a single, under a new name ‘kaiso’ and beneath the new company and it went viral as the ‘ace of epik’ was finally coming back to the industry

it took him a while to get fully back to it and for awhile he simply released one ep and a few singles and collabs before disappearing for a little. and he would continue to do that for awhile. 

though he was hardly in the spot light between releases he gained popularity for a lot of things, and one of them was his ‘big change.’ the dopey leader had become stone cold, he showed his tattoos and faked smiles, he kept his fans close and very few other idols in the industry closer. leaving him with the reputation of being a ‘bad boy.’ backs would straighten and gazes would lower as kaiso entered the green rooms at music shows.

it was a rumor he didn’t care to clear up and honestly enjoyed how people would often not talk to him, leaving him in his little bubble with his fans and company. (think namjoon of bts or eric nam when it comes to fans).

after awhile, with malachi being psych’s biggest money pit, and sent him only on the first infinite tour. it was during this time that malachi met his current girlfriend, officially, and began to open up a bit more to the industry even as they used his past as the ‘biggest reason’ to his success.

but ultimately after the original infinite tour, kai’s company decided to participate in the acquisition for kai’s benefit,. he was their top earning artist and felt like a bigger company would do him good. they decided not to take the two former, veteran groups and while the boy group disbanded, the girls were taken on by a bigger company.

he still likes to refer to himself as a part of PSYC Ent. as the idea of being a part of a bigger company puts a foul taste in his mouth.

as he got bigger he began sending jaime money every month to make sure she was situated and also as an incentive to literally never talk to him again.

infinite tour

during the infinite tour as stated above kai had grown a lot. he acquired space in his friends lives and began to let them take up space in his.

at his current manager’s request he began therapy during the original tour and it had been helping.

he came out with tons of music both years, the constant moving keeping him in the writers room even if it meant he was over worked and overwhelmed.

during the first tour he began to struggle with his idol identity, wondering if he was doing himself a disservice to abandon his years of idol training to become this pariah of low eyes and low energy.

he essentially began retraining and trying to become the idol he was in epik, while staying true to himself unlike he was able to back then.

this led to a lot of uneasiness and malachi scrapping albums after albums over again and putting out more dance oriented tracks, attempting to fall in love with stage again like he’d had in high school.

with the help of some push from friends and a great choreographer (thanks mei) kai released tracks like ‘birthday’., ‘eye on you’ and even was recruited for an all soloist co-ed group by the company (called re:gn) as well as a subsidiary of said group (K!NG)

he quickly became infinite’s only in house producers who was also an idol and has written, produced and composed at least once for every group except tidal. he works the most with braveheart and indigo as their sound(s) are the closest to his style. he’s also the only producer for FLEUR (Kim Seonhwa) and has worked on/produced a lot of the solo releases for a lot of the idols in the company.

with the infinite tour gaining popularity and more idols were beginning to interact with him, he is now known pretty much to be a bit dark and mysterious and unapproachable, but he’s deadass just a ball of shy anxiousness.

during this time he also had come to the conclusion that he loves making music, but detests being an idol but takes the fame anyway because he likes what he does

notable moments include, an incident at a 'kick back' in his home town that would have brought his entire world crashing down. him breaking down into uncontrollable sobs on stage in chicago, and his mother showing up randomly at his seoul town home during a break in the first tour, forcing them to 'revive' their tumultuous relationship. and pre-maturely introduced her to his now current girlfriend.

canons/personality tidbits & quirks

you can call him malachi or kai, though mostly close friends (which he barely has) call him kai

his korean name is soh duri

he’s a scorpio (sun), aquarius (moon) and a taurus (rising)

If you ever work with kai on a song, it’s going to be a masterpiece. not saying it’s bc of his talent as a writer and producer but he’s super particular about music and how it makes people feel

some general aesthetics about him - think of him as, “the feeling of neo soul, marijuana smoke wafting around the studio, the neon lights of the city, the bad boy with a sweet smile, 90s-00s r&b”

he’s the type to be in the studio all night and run off of red bull and cigarettes for the next day

is a pot head and no i’m not sorry about it

if you manage to get close to him he WILL take care of you, always at all times. You well be fed, clothed, and loved through and through

can talk about music all day every day

loves fashion

loves tattoos has drawn all the ones he’s gotten

bi-sexual king, loves him some men and some ladies. 

loves loves art so much

has so much respect for idols before him

quiet boy

give him sweets he’ll become your personal puppy

he’s a brand ambassador for dior but is wanting to possibly change that

he loves anime, manga and comics, fave superhero is spiderman, fave anime is one piece, fave manga is chainsaw man

overall kai is the resident bad boy with a heart of gold. his upbringing makes dealing with his anxiety and anger hard, and his shyness is just something he's working to over come. he's had a hard life in general but the addition of his hard time as an idol has really thrown in him in a hole he's struggling to dig out of. he finds tranquility in the smoke of marijuana or in the arms of the chair in his studio whether he be working on music or art and uses his life experiences to navigate his life in the future. he'll hang on to your every word even if it seems like he's not listening, take in all the little details about you and every gift you receive will always be special...you just gotta...yah know be let in first. so fingers crossed he talks to you!

updates post tour

not much has changed post tour, kai is still pursuing the merging of all the different versions of him, his chicago boy, his global superstar, and who he’s become now.

since coming back to seoul he’s brought on his girlfriend to live with him.

he plans on releasing more music for himself and with various artists by the end of the year

he’s strongly considering changing up his sound and experimenting a bit more out of his r&b wave.

he’s wanting to branch out a bit more, get in with some idols he hasn’t really talked with as well as mend some relationships he’s broken a bit.

also loathes the reality tv idea but is happy they’ll be stationary for awhile.

will add more as post tour goes!

connections/wanted plots

 motive - kai notices that you’re  getting close to him. he can feel the lingering eyes and notice the soft touches but you’ve always been some sort of loose canon. he can’t tell if this bad boy/girl/person demeanor is real and if it is what are you motives with a shy and quiet being like him? (open to anyone)

first love - kai’s relationship with music is something that can be admired, he gets accolades from interviewers and other artists and thats the thing you bond over. you often find yourselves sharing earphones or in some studio. whether you’re dancing, creating or singing its easy for night to turn into day just in each other’s presence. now your friendship goes beyond music. you’re each others confidants in your most stressful moments. (danbi)

pretty little fears - he’d grown a crush on you from afar, but after a chance encounter he seems to be infatuated. his shy and bashful demeanor battles with his want to play cool. and he finds himself lost in watching you speak and aching to hold your hand, wanting to sweep you off your feet but...his anxiety just wont allow it just yet. (dae)

midnight sky - malachi and your relationship was one full of electricity. but one thing he couldn’t handle was feeling small. you’re older than him and in the midst of the rendezvous he felt as if he was a baby toddling after you at all times. maybe it was the way you treated him or maybe it was his own insecurities, but sometimes he finds him self missing the security of your arms. breaking up was some form of rebellion in his eyes and he pretends to feel liberated but he’s not sure if his pride got in the way of something good, or if he dodged a controlling bullet.

nonchalant - to say you have a feud in the industry is maybe an overstatement but the boiling blood is still aroused. you’ve been an artist of your caliber for awhile and you think malachi is gimicky. his transfer from being in such a big idol group to kr&b was a large leap and the inkling that he’s riding on old fame with a fake image is a prickle in your mind. kai respects you too much as an artist and often finds himself trying to prove to you that he’s where he should be. even if that means muddling disses into his music. 

best friend/patonic soulmates (can be plotted) (seungho)

industry friends ( 0/3 would be kind of like a clique of friends that are known in the industry similar to the third gens ‘97 liners )

produced for you/your group

smoke buddies (hanuel a friend he often takes care of/babies (ren)

older sibling figure (seonhwa)

old bandmate that he got scouted with (angel)

manager (ilsu)

mother figure (islu)

and literally anything else pls just love him

muse overviews and analysis & extra links

✘ character study #1 - 'a good boy's bad habits' ✘ character study #2 - 'the stage' ✘ the muse as zodiac signs ✘ favorite stage outfits - 2021 / 2022 / 2023 ✘ general task #1 ✘ character study #3 - 'the idol': photoset 1 / 2 / 3 / analysis & viral moments ✘ playlist #1 - 976 E. 132nd Pl. Chicago, IL (subject to be replaced/updated) ✘ komca credits ✘ through the eras - malachi ‘kaiso’ soh ✘ muse tag

#infinite:intro #here's kai's updated intro #again not much has changed just some updates #more details and some extra stuff that i added that i was sitting on but never announced! #i'll add more to the after tour tidbits and other canons as well!

[3-lavender]

I need opinions bc my mind is fighting with itself.

So the girl I kinda talk about on here, I don’t know how she feels about me. Do I annoy her, does she like me, is she indifferent? I’m just tired of my mind going back and forth on this. My social anxiety definitely doesn’t help in how I perceive our interactions. So I need opinions.

So we go to church together and were on a rugby team together. During practice, we couldn’t really talk so we didn’t talk much but sometimes she’d give me a ride and we’d talk then. We’d talk a lot but it was always a little awkward bc I’m awkward and I think she’s a little awkward too. Except occasionally it wasn’t that awkward and that was nice. It’s always fun to talk to her. There was this one time that we were waiting for another girl to pick up for like 10 minutes (she didn’t end up coming and didn’t know we were waiting lol) and we just talked the whole time. We mainly talked about texting and how we don’t really know how to bc people will think you’re mad if you do or don’t do things and yada yada. Anyways, it was nice. So we always talked when she’d give me rides, I noticed that it was always easier to talk to her when it was just the two of us. Idk why. Then at church, it took awhile but we started talking more. Today, I was brave and sat next to her and we talked and yeah. She was really tired though so she was like falling asleep. But it was really nice because I spent like the whole hour before seeing her sick to my stomach from anxiety about talking to her because I think she’s really fun and cool and pretty so I automatically get more anxious around her. It’s annoying. Last week in church she showed me her prom pictures and I showed her mine and she said I looked pretty but she sounded a little awkward or like she was just saying it bc it’s what you’re supposed to say idk, it still made me happy lol. We watched a play for a church activity and we sat together and talked and she said stop making me laugh bc I was apparently making her laugh. That also made me happy. Afterwards, we made paper airplanes out of the program and threw them but mine sucked. She told me she got a job and said I should work there. She said it two different times. I told her about a gym membership thing and she said we should work out together but another time, she brought it up in a group and said that they should all work out together. So it’s like, she’s just a really outgoing person I think and I’m nothing special, so does she even consider us friends? We text pretty often but pretty much just the game pigeon games on iPhone but I think she texts everyone the games bc she mentioned doing it with another girl she’s not really friends with. Three days ago, I saw her at a rugby thing and got dog spit on her hand and wiped it on me and I chased her trying to get it back on her and then I tripped and scraped my knee and then accidentally got blood on her shirt and I feel really bad still hah. I felt like I probably annoyed her after that. Sometimes, she leaves without talking too me and I can usually tell something’s up, like she’s tired or has a headache or something. But, the thing is, i don’t know if she actually likes being around me. I don’t know if she considers us friends. I don’t know if she actually wanted me to work with her because I really want to work with her but don’t want to seem weird. I just don’t know.

#sorry this is a buttload to read #I’d be suprised if anyone actually read this #lav rants ab stupid sh!t #lav is pathetically lovesick

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

i made a fake aita post for the immortal primeboys animal crossing joke help

AITA for helping my little brother with his Animal Crossing island?

Okay, so I (21M) have this little brother T (16M) and I adore him beyond anything else in the world. We're immortal and have been for centuries at least (I used our ages at the time we became immortal for simplicities sake), and he’s been the one constant in my life, and I the one constant in his.

Now, T's a good kid, but he's also… troubled. He's got issues with false memories, and this really elaborate story in his head where I did the harm his prior family did to him. He's often uncontrollably emotional, or entirely emotionless. Sometimes he has periods of extreme anger and violence, or being entirely comatose, and at the worst times these can last weeks.

I don’t blame him, of course. He came from a traumatic background before I took him in, and that’s something he cannot help. It’s heartbreaking to see, honestly, and if I could take the pain onto myself I could, but I try my best to help. He needs a lot of structure, and a lot of love and support, and I adore giving both to him. It makes me so honoured I’m the one he relies on.

Now, T's picked up a lot of hobbies over the years to keep himself busy. Safe ones, where he doesn’t have to interact with other people or anything haha, he’s got really bad social anxiety and if I’m gonna be honest I don’t really trust others to understand and empathise with him like I do, people used to find him annoying and treat him cruelly before I took him in. He enjoys gardening, sewing, cooking, cleaning, lots of things, really! He's such a clever kid- a genius, I’d say, honestly, even if he’s a bit silly compared to me.

One of his favourite, though, is Animal Crossing. It’s been something he’s used as a coping mechanism in the dark times even before I was able to save him, and sometimes he'll spend days at a time just… walking around his villages. Of course, I've made sure to get every game in the series just for him, and of course he’s very grateful.

Now, I like to watch him play- any time spent apart from him is excruciating agony in general, and I think it’s adorable seeing what he does in a game with so much freedom. He names all his towns BIG MAN!! for one, which I think is the funniest thing ever, he’s so entertaining. I would be so bored without him.

A few days ago, I saw him playing New Horizons, and I noticed how much of a cluttered mess his island was. It was so unoptimally designed, with wayyyyyyy too much flowers everywhere and everything in annoying, hard to reach spots, and it was a patchwork mess of conflicting, chaotic styles. I felt really bad- my brother deserves a pretty, easy to play island, doesn’t he? So, of course, I offered to help clean it up!

Now, and I don’t know why this is, T defied me. He said his island was fine as it was- when it clearly wasn’t- and he didn't want my help. Obviously, this frustrated me, so I told him off, and gave him a little tap to remind him of his place (not even hard enough to bruise!!!), and he came around, and so I presumed this was just another one of his episodes.

I spent days with him, making his island the most beautiful but most fun island even possible to make in New Horizons, and I made sure to keep as much stuff from his previous island as I could, and made everything new something I knew he’d loved, and I even made a little portrait of me and him to hang in his house which was his favourite thing! He seemed so happy with the whole thing, so I was sure I did something good.

But over the past few days, I’ve noticed T has been trying to avoid me when doing his hobbies now. Previously, he'd love to sew or play video games in the room with me, and we'd chat for hours or even days without a break, but now he tries to hide in our room whenever he does anything.

Being the loving and understanding big brother I am, instead of immediately punishing him for his avoidant tendencies I asked him what’s wrong, and he said he was scared he wouldn’t be able to get a choice in what he made anymore, and I’d make decision for him. Now, I don’t understand the issue there- I’m clearly far better at making decisions than T, he's a mentally I’ll child while I am a stable adult who wants what’s best for him- but I really don’t want to spend a second without him in my life, and I’m willing to consider maybe we're both in the wrong here. So, AITA?

#immortal primeboys #tw abuse #tw possessive behaviour #tw codependency

[selectivechaos]

everytime i try to talk with a school therapist about my social anxiety, they just say that i just need to talk more socialize more and all my anxiety will go away... they never understand a single thing

- 🪦💤

and totally unrelated, theres this two classmates that make me fucking uncomfortable till i want to puke

hey 🪦💤 anon,

yeah, socialising more isn’t a cure-all for social anxiety. it’s not like you have a few conversations and start to feel better. it’s not like social anxiety is just a term for when someone hasn’t socialised in a while and needs to get used to it again, brush up on their social skills. 

social anxiety is fear. real fear. it’s not something that arises from lack of experience. yeah, positive social interactions can teach your brain that the Bad Consequences (judgement, humiliation) aren’t always going to happen. and that can lessen fear. 

but the world isn’t all positive interactions. and a few negative ones can worsen the fear. really, a person needs a support system, coping strategies, they need to have tools for communication, and they need to know that they’re worth something. 

‘socialise more’ without any accompanying advice, is a throwaway that won’t alleviate the anxieties. 

have never heard of a ‘school therapist’ before. where i was, we had counsellors. seems similar but am not sure. but from experience, think i got lucky. 

my school counsellor didn’t force me to speak to her. spent a lot of time sitting in silence. she told me it wasn’t my fault that i was so anxious; told me i was very strong because dealt with such high levels of anxiety all the fucking time. encouraged me to build support system, but didn’t push it. she taught me techniques of harm reduction and anxiety management. 

don’t know what your situation is, if school therapist isn’t helping with anxiety, maybe you could ask them to help with a referral to another therapist. if they truly want to help you, they won’t take offence at this and will provide resources. they can help fill in forms and chase them up if waiting lists are long. 

also, i think the ‘socialise more’ kind of advice might not be on the level of help you need. 

i learned the hard way that there are levels of support that’s given to people. this varies place to place. but i think the principle is the same: many many people seek support for their mental health and most of them don’t need support for mental disorders. they need help for relationship issues, or maybe they’ve been feeling overwhelmed or stressed lately, but not disorders. 

 so the cheapest way to train professionals to help that many people, is to offer only basic and brief training. where i am, this is the difference between low and high intensity cbt. 

‘socialise more’ might be the basic life advice that’s needed by someone who’s feeling a bit nervous in a new place for the first time. but for someone who’s struggling with an anxiety Disorder, it’s not the right help. 

also those classmates sound like assholes, go ahead and puke on them. 🌹🌹🌹

#tw vomit #🪦💤 anon #anon ask #low intensity cbt #long post

[duckmine]

Any headcanons for the belcher family? or any other characters u like

-i firmly feel as though jimmy junior is actually anti-social or has social anxiety. seeing him interact with anyone outside the main group is always the most awkward thing ever lol and i just feel like the reason he lacks as much confidence is because of his father and maybe the lack of a mother figure as well. that’s why he gravitates so much towards zeke and tina because they praise him so much and feed his ego but also genuinely care about him. and also why jimmy jr. isn’t really actual friends with anyone except for zeke, i honestly don’t think he likes tammy and jocelyn that much. maybe tolerate jocelyn since he knew her for longer than tammy but after tammy jocelyn just became her follower and jimmy jr. just didn’t care for it.

-this is a little more specific but i lowkey headcanon tammy as bi with a slight repressed crush on tina. i know it’s cliche to say every bully secretly likes their target but unfortunately that was a very common concept i grew up watching and enjoying and i am a absolutely a sucker for that trope. but i also just favor tina and i want everyone to like her DHSJSB.

-i do headcanon that tammy and tina take a better path in friendship around high school. they’ll probably be in different friend groups but because they went to the same middle school and are more familiar with each other they develop a deeper kinship in that regard. maybe they even rebel for another night in dedication to their first meeting.

-i do headcanon tina to be completely straight tho. i also understand the idea behind her being trans but at the same time i liked that the show was unique for having both female and male voice actors for female characters regardless of sex so because of that tina is actually cis in my eyes but i like seeing everyone else’s headcanons that may differ to mine.

-i think jocelyn might be trans tho. i know that just curved from what i said but jocelyn to me seems like she’d come from an actually pretty accepting and even loving family considering her lighthearted and breezy nature and her honesty cute relationship with her mom so it wouldn’t surprised me if she potentially suggested as a kid that she preferred more feminine clothing and other associations of sorts.

-louise definitely screams “on the nonbinary + demi-ace/aro spectrum” to me with like a preference in girls and an exception to rudy. there’s so many things queer about this girl to me fhskhdks.

-louise also definitely looks up to tina but will not say SHIT about it, you can catch her dead 50 ft below the ground admitting it. i know she technically said tina was her hero in the two parter episode of season 12 but that was because tina was gonna smash something but no, louise like GENUINELY looks up to tina. tina has an exceeding level of strength compared to her (but also tbf louise you’re like, nine), tina can be just as snarky as louise when given the chance and also tina has helped louise in her most confusing times because in all the girly, sappy stuff that louise just can’t handle, tina can and she’d help her get through it in a heartbeat because tina is her older sister. also, i’m sure louise enjoys tina’s stories.. minus the raunchy parts. she definitely considers tina an exceptional writer (for age 13 i guess) and the diverse genres that tina will incorporate into her writing is probably very entertaining for louise. because tina is not afraid to get rough and gorey, or action-packed and silly (i’d imagine).

-tina gives gene and louise hugs and kisses because i fucking said so she is an affectionate and HAPPY sister and no matter how much they squirm they definitely appreciate it!

-i semi-headcanon bob and linda as T4T. not fully because i don’t automatically see them as such but i can definitely see why others do and enjoy the headcanon myself. otherwise i firmly believe bob is bi and linda if not trans is at least an ally or somewhat heteroflexible because honestly. it’s linda.

-jimmy pesto sr. still calls jimmy jr. pepper i don’t care he just has to.

-jimmy jr. won’t say it but he really does cherish his younger brothers. even tho they don’t always understand each other or bond as well together jimmy jr would defend them in a heartbeat if he could. in high school he eventually tries ti get closer to them and they become almost as inseparable as the belcher kids.

-andy and ollie start to become more easily differentiated through personality as they get older. ollie remains bubbly and naive while andy is a bit more tentative and skeptical. ollie is also probably one of those “hidden genius” types where he’s typically known to be airheaded until he starts spouting the most profound shit and everyone is shocked. andy on the other hand is more of the look out and tries to protect ollie as if he was the oldest brother. he also gains a sarcastic form of humor and definitely gets it from louise which bugs her for sure lol.

-i headcanon millie frock as a lesbian. not strictly because of louise but she just gives off femme lesbian vibes idk.

anyways those are some of the other headcanons i have that i can remember off the top of my head 😅.

#bob’s burgers #anon asks #duck’s sillies #headcanons

[miraculouslumination]

Honestly I kind of don't like the way some people talk about tone tags on social media - like it sometimes feels like people are two steps away from returning to the "x accommodation isn't useful for ME therefore it's Morally Bad and Cringe and I'm going to make fun of anyone and everyone who uses it" such as what happened with fidget spinners and other stuff like that

And all I can say is that tone tags are literally just that. An accommodation. Specifically, a personal one

Yes, there are a lot of acronyms, and I do agree it's kind of ridiculous to expect people to remember all of them! Especially fellow ND people with bad memory or even anxiety over having to remember each one! However, literally like everything else, especially with accommodations like this, please remember

What works for you, does not always work for others

I am a highly anxious autistic ADHD person, and I often have had many high anxiety episodes because of something friends would text me and then say "it was just a joke" - when I am already in the height of anxiety, telling me later that "I was joking" hardly helps

For example, I once had a friend say "all of [my] OCs are cringe ass babies" (literally a direct quote from our DMs)

This fucking sent me down, emotionally and mentally, into the crust of the earth - and I told her that "hey, you said something really rude, and I didn't like it" as I could feel my chest growing heavy and tight and my body shaking because this HURT - a LOT

And then she says "wait - what? I'm sorry I was just joking" which she meant genuinely, but my brain still questioned it

Now, for me, personally, if it was "your OCs are a bunch of cringe ass babies /j /lh" then I would be able to decipher and read her message as a light-hearted, poke-to-the-ribs type joke. Otherwise I cannot tell what someone's tone is at all, and with a comment like that, my anxiety (coupled with the fact I've had people irl maliciously attack me for my art + character design skills) will just assume the worst

I have read countless Calm messages as Loud and Angry, and I have read Upset messages as Bored and generally just got confused by them, and it has always created problems that could be so easily solved with an accommodation such as this

I, personally, suck at reading tone. And I've seen some people say "well, you can just slap tone tags on anything, even if you don't mean it" and....yeah. That's the flaw of any language. I can say that I'm not mad at anyone in my friend group, even when I am absolutely furious with one or multiple of them. I can say "jk lol 😂" and "omg it was JUST a joke 🤣" after calling someone's mom a fat, lazy cow who belongs in a barn and subsequently making them upset, even if I was being insulting.

ANYONE can do this. Language existing means people are going to use it to lie, to make themselves and their intentions look better. Hell, everything online revolves around this constant chance of "maybe the 22 year black butch autistic lesbian I'm donating money to online is actually a 40 year old upper class white cishet allistic woman who just wants to scam a bunch of queers"

And yeah, some of the acronyms do have multiple meanings from previous generations of texting lingo. However, again, that's just LANGUAGE!! Especially in the online world!

Hell, ASL and ASL exist. One is Age, Sex, Location? - a question often asked online about another person! And the other is American Sign Language.

And even for text lingo, you'd have so many overlaps!

FTW and FTW - one meaning For the Win, and the other Fuck the World.

Just...I don't know, I think I take all these little "jokes" so personally because I am one of those people who needs this accommodation. I don't expect everyone who interacts with me to use them, and I don't think we should expect everyone to use them - ESPECIALLY some of the more specific ones.

And yes, some people are fine with substitutes, such as saying "genuinely, please stop sending me photos of bugs. I'm not angry, I just don't want to see them" or even "he is my little bastard man (affectionate)" or whatever!

Just. I don't know. I'm just asking y'all to not make tone tags into the next "lol cringe autistics and their fail accommodations" thing. Even if you don't like it or need it.

#Jean rants #Tone tags #Accommodations #Autistic #ADHD #Long post #Yeah this got longer than I wanted to #But literally I am just asking for people to keep being open-minded on this #What doesn't work for you may work for someone else #And that's okay!! that is literally how people are built!! #I just hate people dogpiling and dunking on an accommodation that literally saves me from so many anxiety attacks in my day to day life #I feel so erased in these discussions and like my side of things don't matter #Because ''lol acronyms'' #Yes it is ableist to expect people to remember all tone tags #And even for everyone to use them #And YES it is ableist to say that tone tags are evil bad and useless and anyone who uses them is an asshole #Both of these can should and DO coexist

[sug4r-melon]

I have too many questions for everyone.

Tiger

Nobody cared that Tiger was half Autobot?

From what I see, she lives more with Blitzwing than with Bumblebee, I think. (almost like joint custody)

Shrike

Who is his relationship with his creators?

How are his ninja techniques?

Is he a quiet kid?

Nova

I've always wondered if she has any pressure on her for being the next to lead the Decepticons.

Last questions:

Do the 3 know each other? If yes, how is their relationship?

Does the prime team know their existence? How are their interactions?

When can we see more lore about your ocs (kids)?

I am sorry

I’ll be happy to answer all of these to the best of my abilities!

Tiger

- no one cared that she was half autobot?

it’s not so much that they didn’t care, but they didn’t know. all the decepticons suspected each other but it was too awkward to try and bring up so they all just kept their assumptions to themselves. meanwhile Blitzwing is over here sweating bullets and PRAYING that no one asks where Tiger came from

as for her living situation, it’s not really a joint custody situation. she just sees her sire whenever she goes with Blitzwing to their secret meetups, or she might see him if the autobots and decepticons have one of their weekly battles lmao (bee often gets distracted suring those because he is very concerned for her safety)

Shrike

- whats his relationship like with his creators?

pretty good for both Prowl and Lockdown! unfortunately, he doesn’t see Lockdown a lot(about twice a month at most) because his sire is always out taking jobs and hunting, but when Lockdown does come back he tends to stay for a while

- how are his ninja techniques?

they’re.... to be desired. but he gets some leeway considering that he isn’t being officially trained and is just trying to copy what Prowl does

- is he a quiet kid?

not necessarily quiet as in he doesn’t talk a lot, but he has an extremely soft voice that can barely be heard unless you’re right next to him. he also has extreme social anxiety(he just like me fr) so there’s a good chance that anyone new he meets won’t even get the chance to hear his voice

Nova

- does she have any pressure over being the next leader of the decepticons?

SO. MUCH. PRESSURE. but it’s mostly put on by herself. her sire cares for her deeply and doesn’t want to stress her out too much over that, especially since she’s still relatively young and Megatron is positive his reign will continue on for many more thousands of years. she still does her best to make him proud and prove herself worthy of leading the decepticons(even though megatron thinks that she could literally never do anything wrong ever(YES hes that kind of dad))

as for your last questions:

- do the three know each other? how is their relationship?

I’m actually writing a fic(maybe a comic? who knows) where the three meet each other at the same time, so I don’t want to spoil a lot. but Tiger and Shrike have actually known each other for quite a while! they both snuck out once when they were young sparklings and ended up finding each other in the woods. since then, they’ve seen each other a few times, and Tiger likes to think they’re friends

- does team prime know of their existence? how do they interact?

Team Prime knows all three of these kids, however their interactions vary a LOT

for Shrike, they obviously know of his parentage and his creators’ relationship and all of that since he was born at the plant and has lived there his whole life. they’re very protective of him, especially Ratchet, who doesn’t want him going anywhere outside of detroit without supervision.

as for Tiger, they know literally nothing about her. for all they know, she was just another decepticon who landed on earth to help Megatron. that doesn’t last long, as they do eventually put together that she’s a very young sparkling(just a little tall for her age), but they still have no clue who her parents are, let alone that her sire is one of them

now, Nova is... a mixed bag for them. since she’s been around the longest, most autobots such as the elite guard know who she is, who her parents are, and her position in the decepticon ranks. this makes her a very large target. Optimus is the only one who thinks there might be good in her(he sees her as a product of her environment

- will we see more of your ocs?

ABSOLUTELY! I have so many plans for the three of them, and I can’t wait to share more lore about them!

 you don’t need to apologize for asking about the kids! they are my pride and joy and I will always gladly do my best to answer any questions you guys have about them <3

#WHEN I TELL U THIS TOOK FOREVER HJFVBSDHFVB #its okay tho i love answering asks vjkbdsfjkd #oc: supernova #oc: 'Tiger' Swallowtail #oc: Shrike

[cartoonscientist]

I used to be confused when I was like fourteen because I would see people complaining about “nice guys” and how “being nice isn’t enough” with no context, and as a pubescent child with a partially formed brain I was so confused, like “but being nice is literally all I have to offer??” because I couldn’t understand the coded language, that they didn’t mean people who are kind or respectful, they meant people who expect sex in return for basic decency (which was possibly lost on me as an asexual who saw sex as a chore to be avoided thanks to comp het)

but it turns out that being nice, actually nice, is the only thing that matters when it comes to dating (other than personal hygiene, although honestly I bet you could find another Pigpen to love you if you’re really set on not grooming)

no personality? no hobbies? no problem, you’ll find a boring partner and probably have 2.5 kids and make beautiful cricut mugs together. into weird porn? join a fetish community and meet a similarly weird person and become erotic pen pals

(it also helps to stay off dating apps if possible; I know, it’s quick, but would you rather wait a year to meet someone while going on terrible dates with strangers or while having fun interacting with like-minded people?*)

I say this as a man who doesn’t know how to drive and regularly coordinates animal ear headbands with my outfits who has a long term girlfriend

*I realize this isn’t a feasible option for a lot of people due to social anxiety, transportation issues, etc., but if at all possible even a forum or discord or facebook group is better than tinder, some setting where dating isn’t the goal.

#cw pda #cw relationships #cw dating

[findingmypeace]

11/18/2022

It’s been hard to get myself to write about this. It just feels like it takes so much energy and I’m exhausted. All my energy is going to job searching and interviews.

But I’m going to try to explain. This will probably be long. I sort of mentioned this in my original post about losing my job. There were things my coworkers told my boss I was doing and I had never intended to come across that way nor do I have recollection of acting that way. This has made me genuinely question if I’m completely socially unaware or were my coworkers exaggerating/lying. I’m questioning my reality because there has been so much loss and rejection in my life in recent months and the reason BS and DI were mad at me was because I always talked about myself. I had thought I was just responding to their comments and questions, and I was, but looking back through our texts I can see that our conversations for several months revolved solely around my ed. Therefore, there is some truth to what BS and DI accused me of and I did not realize it until they pointed it out.

So am I really that socially unaware? If I am that socially unaware is it right for me to be a therapist? As an example, one of the things my coworkers accused me of was making their supervision time about me and treating that time as if it was my therapy session. What I remember is that they would bring up something they were dealing with regarding a client, I would suggest some interventions, and if I had an experience that was relevant to what they were going through I would tell them about that experience (regarding work with clients) as an example of how to work through it. My intent was truly to give an example of how to deal with what they were experiencing with a client. But what if I totally misread it? What if what I was saying was too much? What if I really was using their supervision time as my time?

Another example is that my coworkers were pretty open about being in recovery from their own addiction or struggling with anxiety. I thought that was brave and also helped people understand where they were coming from. I had considered opening up to my boss about my own anxiety and depression as an explanation for why I was struggling with certain things (like stepping out of my shell to lead groups). In my final meeting with my boss I did finally tell her about it for that reason. She accused me of using my anxiety and depression as an excuse. Was I? That wasn’t my intention. My intention was the explanation. That accusation made me confused. My coworkers are open about their struggles. Did I totally misread this situation?

I was also accused of being passive-aggressive. I NEVER intended to be passive-aggressive. I think passive-aggressiveness is immature and doesn’t solve anything. I did isolate some because it’s really hard to be social with people who obviously dislike you but I was never intentionally rude or mean. But was I?

In my logical mind I can see that the truth probably lies in the fact that they exaggerated my behaviors in order to get me fired. Fuck, one of the main instigators (my former coworker) just called me. Like just now. As I’m writing this. I’m sure she needs me to sign something because I was her supervisor but just seeing her name gives me anxiety. I don’t ever want to see or talk to her again. I let it go to voicemail and she didn’t leave a message.

It really is a blessing in disguise to no longer have that job. If this is how our interactions were going to be than it’s probably best for me to not work there. I don’t think I could have handled working there much longer anyway.

#personal

[plural-culture-is]

Question that should’ve probably gone in the ask box

Hello! I would like to firstly thank you for this amazing blog, and for making this information accessible, it really helps me.

However I was wondering if I could get your views on this: [it is reallyyyy long but I didn’t know how to shorten it]

Maybe six months ago, one of my only friends discovered that they were a system, and they told me they think that perhaps I also have maybe just a singular head mate. I didn’t fully register what they’d said and I carried on with my life. But recently I’ve been thinking about it and there are reasons to support that I am part of a system. My 4 friends have pointed out the fact that I change in situations that are hard for me. An example of which being that when I’m around people I don’t know I become louder and more ‘I’m a social outcast so fuck this’ and it helps me deal with my anxiety. And when I have to go to a hospital-like setting my mind goes all blurry. I am aware that when I was younger [removing this bit to avoid anyone’s triggers] I had bad experiences there, with long stays and lots of noise, but I don’t remember it really, just blurring lights and beeping. There is like a black smoke that surround that vague memory. I thought this was normal but I have been told this is actually a trauma response [?]. I wouldn’t have really considered this possibility so deeply, if it weren’t for my friends who tell me when I change. One of them even calls me, when I act like me, paper finn, in reference to the fact that I barely speak and prefer to write down my words when I am comfortable showing my ‘actual personality’.

And maybe two months ago, I was in a normal class when I blacked out, but was fully aware that I was conscious. I remember tripping in the hallway on the way to medical, and then I saw a little, but it was covered in like a black cloud- it’s hard to describe. At this time I also heard a whispering and I thought it was myself, but their voice was deeper and more croaky/breathless than mine. I also watched myself have an interaction with the nurse, and then when she left it got less blurry but I was left with a headache. I was scared and I took more paracetamol than recommended. But this, according to my diary, was the day when we had some jabs at school, and I am terrified of needles because of the experiences I’ve had with them.

In answer to the wondering of voices, perhaps I hear them?? I can feel like someone trying to say something, and the occasional completely random thoughts, but I haven’t heard another voice apart from in my class where I blacked out. Then, I heard a faint whispering, just something meaningless, something meant to be comforting. I don’t remember it well but I do remember seeing myself speak. And again, at the time I put it all down to my autism and anxiety producing an out-of-body experience.

I don’t know if this is useful but I am a catkin therian, and sometimes behave in a more cat-like manner. I have an unusually deep connection with vampires and ghosts, also.

If you think you can help me with an answer, it will be greatly appreciated. And also I’m sorry, I tried to submit as an ask but it was way too long :/

-

so it definitely sounds like you dissociate, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you have a plural dissociative disorder. The ‘out-of-body experience’ would be depersonalisation, which yes systems can experience, but so can singlets. Plus everyone changes the way they act in certain situations/depending on the people they’re around, however they don’t feel like an entirely different person, which it usually feels like when it comes to systems switching. Since you don’t normally hear voices, it might have been a headmate talking to you to calm you down but they don’t always do that because you don’t always need it, maybe. Or the amount of stress could have caused you to hear a voice that didn’t belong to a headmate. Before we had better communication, we also often felt like someone was trying to say something but couldn’t get it through because we didn’t have very good communication. Random thoughts could be intrusive thoughts, and if they don’t make any sense they’re probably not a headmate (we get thoughts like that a lot), but if they do make sense they might be a headmate. I can’t tell you if you’re a system or not, that’s for you to figure out, but these are just some things to think about. As always, remember to keep doing your research. I wish you luck in your self-discovery!

#not plural culture #am i plural #dissociation #plural system #hospitals cw #medical cw #long post #[mod klaus]