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give-seconds · 1 year

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A Husband and His (Ex) Best Friend

Paring: Johnny x female reader, past Jaehyun x reader

Summary: With all the planning for your wedding coming up, everything feels like it is going right. Soon, you and Johnny will be happily married and all that is left to do is to wait. But what happens when Jaehyun shows up out of the blue?

Part 1

Warnings: mentions of cheating, none others that I can think of but let me know

Word count (part two): 7.8k

This is not proofread so let me know about any errors!!

“Are you sure you got the address right?” you ask.

It is the day before the wedding, and Johnny disappeared, only sending a quick text saying something came up. An hour and a half later, he sent you a text telling you and Jaehyun to come meet him at an address.

Jaehyun nods his head. “Yeah.”

“Johhny?” you call, opening the door to the room. You feel around the wall for the light switch, jumping when you’re met with a chorus of “thank yous.”

You stare in shock at the smiling faces of Johnn's family and friends standing under a ceiling of gold and blue balloons. You smile at the colors, instantly recognizing your favorite colors. Standing in front of them is Johnny.

“What is this?”

“Let me show you,” Johnny smiles, holding his hand out to you.

You take it, letting him guide you to his mom and dad.

“Y/n, dear,” his mom starts, smiling at you as if you were her own child. “It has been a pleasure getting to know you. I always enjoy our lunches when you visit or we come to see you. I remember when Johnny called me, telling me he met the best girl and needed ideas for an interesting first date.”

You laugh softly, looking over to the man in question, lightly squeezing his hand.

“And after going through some ideas, we landed on a winery tour. Had I known you don’t drink, I never would have suggested it, so I am sorry about that. But I wouldn’t trade the outcome for all the money in the world. My dear, you make my son so happy. As a mother, I thank you for accompanying our son on this journey.”

Before you can say anything, your fiancé lightly pulls you to the next person.

“Hey, y/n,” Mark says. You smile widely at him; the serious look on his face feels out of place. “You wouldn’t know this, but the first time I saw you was actually by the Statue of Liberty. Hyung told me he was dating this girl who was a part-time tour guide who gave German tours of the Statue of Liberty. I asked to meet you way before I actually did, and he told me no and that it would be creepy to stalk you on one of your tours. So I asked this boy in my German class, YangYang, to come with me, and we waited until you came by with a group. I asked him what you said on your tours and how you seemed personality-wise. I remember he called me an idiot. Nevertheless, he went along with me and said you made the tour sound interesting by slipping in jokes and even singing a popular german song at some point. Anyways, long story short, thank you for making my brother so happy and for showing me the kindness of a sister.”

You bring a hand to your mouth, feeling tears well in your eyes at the sincerity in his voice. Again, before you can say anything back, Johnny pulls you to the next and last person.

“I don’t believe we’ve met.”

She smiles. “No, we haven’t. My name is Dylan. John and I went to the same high school; we were friends all four years. So you can imagine—randomly meeting him here in Brooklyn—it felt like fate. When I saw him, we exchanged numbers, and I asked him on a date. He turned me down because he ‘met the girl of his dreams.’ And I will admit, it is a little nerve-wracking to stand here in front of your family and friends. But when John texted me asking if I would come here to convince you you are the love of his life, I couldn’t exactly say no.”

You laugh, happy tears falling from your eyes.

“And now, it’s my turn,” Johnny whispers, moving to stand in front of you. Still holding your hand, he clears his throat dramatically. “Hi.”

“Hi,” you whisper, not trusting yourself to speak much louder.

“Now, at risk of spoiling my vows, I’m not going to say much more than what they said. I am sorry I’ve been gone so much the past week, but I did get you a few things.”

He lets go of your hand and turns to grab something behind him. “This,” he says, turning around, “is a bottle from the year we visited the winery. Now I promise not to drink it if you don’t.”

You laugh, fanning your eyes. “I promise.”

“Great!” He places the bottle on the counter behind him and grabs something else. “This is a postcard from Ellis Island, where we had our first proper conversation. I’m thinking, we frame this, and it be our first piece of art.”

You reach out to take the postcard, running your fingers over the front. “I love it.”

“And this,” he bends down on one knee, pulling out your engagement ring from his pocket, “is my gift to you. This is the start of our promise. My promise. That every day of my life will be about repaying you for all the joy you have brought me.”

You don’t know if he is done speaking when you throw yourself onto him. He laughs as he lowers you both into a sitting position, wrapping his arms around you and lightly kissing your head. “Are you going to accept my proposal, or is this about to get really awkward?”

Pulling away from him, you sit between his legs, wiping your tears. “Is that even a question that needs to be said?”

He shakes his head, grabbing your left hand and gently sliding the ring back onto your finger, whispering a soft, “back where it belongs.”

“Okay, everyone,” he announces, not moving up from the floor. “I’ve made reservations for us in about an hour. Sadly, we cannot pay for everyone as we are planning a wedding. So if you don’t want to pay, that’s cool, but we would love to have dinner with you before the stress of the rehearsals. I already sent you all the address, so Suh squad, move out!”

Everyone chuckles, talking among themselves as they file out the door, leaving only you, Johnny, and Jaehyun—who you forgot was in the room—behind.

“Where are we?”

“This is the air b&b I rented for Yoonoh and me to sleep in tonight. The owner said no one was staying in it before us, so she said I could show up whenever. I took 'show up whenever' to mean spending an hour setting up and executing a surprise for my lovely fiancée. Figured it would throw you off.”

You laugh, taking a moment to commit the way he’s looking at you to memory. You want to remember this moment forever. “Consider me thrown off. You didn’t need to do this for me, by the way. Just getting married is enough repayment.”

“But I did. I was planning this before, but then you asked me if I still wanted to get married, and that only motivated me further. I wanted to show you I have no doubts about this wedding.”

“Stop, you’re going to make me cry again,” you whine, pulling him into another hug.

He chuckles. “I love you too.”

—

“Hey, y/n?”

You hum in response, not looking away from the television. Since tomorrow is the wedding, and you invited your brother over to spend the last night as unmarried siblings together.

“Johnny’s friend, Yoonoh, he looks familiar. I only saw him in passing at the rehearsal dinner, but he looks familiar. Where is he from again?”

“Korea,” you answer in what you hope is a non-suspicious tone. You hadn’t even thought about this. Of course, your family would remember him. You dated him for three years, and even if it's been years since any of you have thought of him, it’s not like they’re just going to forget him.

“Are you sure?” Your brother shifts on the couch to look at you. “Because now that I’m thinking about it, he looks like that jerk you dated in high school? It’s not just me who sees that, right?”

You lightly chew your lip, weighing your options. You can pretend you have no idea what Deven is talking about or admit the truth. Both feel like you’ve lost in some way. If you admit he is the man who cheated on you, you know your brother is going to disagree with you, leaving you with at least the slightest hint of guilt. If you choose to lie to him, then you have to deal with the guilt of not only lying to your fiancé but also your brother.

You sigh. “Okay, I’m going to tell you this, and you have to promise me not to freak out. Do you promise?”

You wait for him to nod his head.

“So, Johnny’s friend Yoonoh is the same guy I dated in high school. And I haven’t told Johnny yet because he’s really excited to have his friend back. I thought I was going to tell him, then I decided not to, and now we’re getting married tomorrow, and there’s not a lot of time left.”

He stares at you in shock, jaw slightly dropped. “So you’re telling me you’ve had the guy you’re getting married to and your ex-boyfriend sleeping under the same roof, and the only people who know are you and Jaehyun?”

He holds up a finger each time he mentions one of their names, bringing them together when he talks about them sleeping under the same roof. The whole time, you nod your head. The longer he talks, the heavier the silliness of the situation feels.

“Or is it Yoonoh?” He backtracks, separating his hands. “Because I swear his name was Jaehyun.”

“No, it was. I guess he changed it before he met Johnny. But you need to help me out. As my younger brother and the only one in our family willing to ask me about this, it is your job to help me figure out what to do.”

He huffs, picking up the remote to pause the tv. “You got two choices: tell Johnny or don’t. Choosing the don’t option would include maybe telling mom and dad, so they don’t go telling anyone.”

You groan, throwing your head back. Your parents wouldn’t intentionally go around telling people the guy who cheated on you is a groomsman at your wedding; rather, they would go down the same route Devon did. They mention that he looks a lot like the “guy you dated in high school” as a joke and unknowingly make things awkward.

“But it isn’t just my wedding, you know? He likes Jaehyun, and if he wants him there he should be allowed to have him there. It doesn’t matter that we used to date, and it doesn’t matter that I don’t like him. That’s what a relationship is: it’s a give-and-take. This is me giving.”

“Y/n, he loves you. Do you remember, as kids, how we always loved how our aunt and uncle were? You can tell they love each other. I don’t believe romantic soulmates exist. But if they did, they would be our aunt and uncle. And that’s exactly what you and Johnny have! You two are as much of soulmates as can be.”

A small smile slips onto your face. “Thanks, Deven. I’m so glad you think that. Having Jaehyun here has messed with my ... everything, and hearing you say that makes me feel warm. But I feel like that proves my point. I know we’re great together, so what does it matter that my ex-boyfriend is here so long as it makes him happy?”

“Because he cheated on you!” your brother exclaims, throwing his hands up. “Because while he may not have told me directly, I can feel that Johnny would be angry that someone hurt you as he did. I’m angry knowing he has the nerve to show his face at your wedding, let alone sleep down the hall from you! I can’t imagine how Johnny would feel. All things considered, I think he’ll be sad once he finds out.”

“Alright.” You chew your lip, bringing your attention back to the paused screen. “You’re probably right.”

“I’m always right.”

—

"So Yoonoh- can I call you that? Or do you prefer Yoonoh Hyung or something else?"

Jaehyun chuckles at Johnny's little brother's rambling, not looking away from the mirror as he and all the other groomsmen finish straightening their suits. "Yoonoh Hyung is fine."

Mark nods his head. "Hyung, what do you think of y/n? She's the best, isn't she?"

"Mark, leave him alone," Johhny says, tapping his phone to check the time.

Mark holds his hands up. "I was just starting a conversation."

"Well, that's a weird start. He barely knows her."

Jaehyun smiles, looking back at the mirror to fix his hair. He wishes he didn't have to lie to his friend. In the end, though, it's better for everyone if your secret stays just that; a secret.

"Well, he's lucky," one of Johnny's friends, Parker, says. "The same day I met her, she treated me and my wife like old friends. She's one of the warmest people I know."

Jaehyun turns to look at his friend, instantly noticing his love-struck smile. He is envious of how much you and Johnny love each other. He wishes he had someone to look at him like that.

"Shouldn't we be talking about me?" Johnny jokes, clearing his throat. "Anyways, we should go out. Deven will meet us out there and then the wedding will get started!" He shakes out his hands, rocking on his feet. "Are you guys ready to accompany me for my only wedding?"

His question is met with cheers, and with a final rock, Johnny leads the way out of the room. He leads them to a room across the hall, knocking on the door.

"Hey, Johnny," a woman greets, only cracking the door enough to poke her head out. "Ready to get this party started?"

He nods his head. "Yep. Are you girls ready?"

"Yep! We'll meet you at the end of the hall, okay? We can't risk you getting a sneak peek of your bride."

Johnny laughs, nodding his head. He guides them further down the hall, stopping in front of a set of double doors. He greets the man standing outside the doors, looking at his phone. Jaehyun tilts his head, watching Johnny exchange a quick hug with the man. He looks so familiar.

"Okay, guys," Johnny announces, drawing his attention away from the other man. "When y/n's bridesmaids come out, you'll all pair up with one of them. Parker will be with his wife, and Mark will be with her maid of honor, J.J. Other than that," Johnny looks at him and the other man, "you two choose whoever is standing closer to you. It doesn't have to be the same person from rehearsal."

"You already said this at the rehearsals, dude, chill," Parker laughs, patting him on the shoulder.

"Do you remember how nervous you were before you had to do this? I'm calm compared to you."

Parker chuckles, shaking his head dismissively, and Jaehyun smiles at the interaction. Before Parker can respond, the sound of whispers draws the group's attention to the group of women in red dresses quickly walking toward them.

"Okay, order, everybody!" Johnny announces, and everybody falls in line behind him.

Contrary to what Johnny says about not needing the same person they paired up with during rehearsals, the girl Jaehyun walked with smiles at him in greeting. He smiles back, extending his arm for her to grab.

"Ready?" she whispers.

He nods, looking forward as his friend pushes open the door. "Ready."

Despite it not being his wedding, he can't help but feel a little nervous as everyone stands up, eyes turning to look at them as they walk down the aisle. His heart skips a beat when he passes your family, focusing on looking straight at where he is going. It’s unrealistic, but he hopes they don’t see him.

When they reach the base of the stairs, he smiles at the woman on his arm before they part ways. He feels eyes burning into his back, dreading the seconds until he has to turn around again. They're looking at me—there is no way they don't remember me. And he’s right. When he turns around, your family is looking in his direction. But it's not him they are looking at.

Instead of the hot stare of hatred he expected directed at him, he sees your mom lovingly look at Johnny. She's gripping her husband's hand, saying something to him as he turns his head to look at Johnny. With all the commotion he caused by staying at your house, it never really hit him how little he actually means to your family. The realization is somehow shocking—despite him and his family feeling the same towards you, and something in him breaks at the knowledge that he barely means anything to you. Until now, a part of him thought this would all blow over after you realized how much he has changed, and things could return to how they were before you and he dated; you could be friends.

The music changes, and the room's attention is brought to the doors as everybody waits for you to appear. Watching you walk down the aisle, Jaehyun is thrust from his previous thoughts by how beautiful you are. He always thought you were beautiful, but seeing you years later—really seeing you— you are even more stunning than he remembers. He flicks his eyes to the left to look at Johnny’s face, and he smiles at the pure look of love on his friend’s face. His heart warms, and suddenly not meaning much to you doesn't seem like such a big deal. He misses you, misses how good of a person you are, but his longing is nothing compared to Johnny's happiness. While he wants a second chance, he can give it up for his friend. He can let you go again.

The rest of the ceremony passes by in a blur, and Jaehyun can't wipe the smile off his face. He hasn’t been to many weddings, but this is the first wedding he has attended to make him feel this way—that true love exists. He couldn’t wish for a better happy ending for his best friend.

At the reception, between meeting various friends of yours, Johnny and you catch his eye. All the stress the wedding put on you two forgotten as you laugh, patting Johnny’s arm as he looks away, laughing. Even toward the end of the evening, and only a few people left, the love felt at the ceremony is still in the air, painting everything in a rose tint.

“Hey,” someone taps his shoulder, drawing his attention away from your laughing figure. When he turns around, he sees the unknown groomsman from in front of the doors. His eyes widen as he realizes who it is.

“You’re Deven, right? I guess-”

Before he can finish his sentence, your brother throws his glass of wine in his face. He gasps and takes a step back in shock, wiping the liquid from his eyes.

“That’s for showing up at my sister’s wedding.”

—

“We need to tell him,” you say, pushing the door to the guestroom open. Johnny had to take a work call, so you took the opportunity to talk to his friend separately. “You’re leaving soon, and I can’t stand keeping this from him anymore. We don’t lie to each other, and now that I’m his wife, it feels even heavier.”

“If you want to of course I’m not going to stop you. But really, do you think that would be the best course of action? Things might take a turn for the worse.” He says, his face void of emotion. His lack of emotion mixed with his words lowers what little patience you have with him.

“Can I be honest?”

He nods his head.

“I don’t hate anyone. Hate and love are two very strong emotions, and it isn’t fair to throw them around randomly. So no, I don’t hate you. But you are the closest person I have to hating someone. So if you think this act here will change my mind somehow, you’re wrong. If you and Johnny stay friends after this, you are not welcome back into my home. Do you understand?”

He looks at you, eyes seemingly blank. But you know him better than you like to admit, and his trying-to-hide-emotions face hasn’t changed since high school. Something in him is hurting. “I understand.”

“I don’t.”

You and Jaehyun jump at the sound of your husband’s voice, and you stare wide-eyed as he pushes the door open.

“Why do you hate Yoonoh? And why wouldn’t we be friends?”

You feel your heart stop at his questions. Yes, you wanted to tell him, but not like this. It made you feel like he caught you cheating. Jaehyun looks expectedly to you, effectively making you feel more trapped. You hold Jaehyun's eye, wanting to cry at the expectation he is now placing on you.

“Listen,” you start slowly, looking away from the man next to you. Just looking at Johnny makes you want to curl into yourself. “It’s a long story, okay? Well, not a long story. Rather, a really hard truth to say and something I did because I thought it was right. But now, I’m not so sure.” you ramble, walking towards him. “You can be sad, mad, or anywhere in between.”

He smiles nervously, eyes flickering between you and Jaehyun. “Thanks for the permission.”

You let a silence fall between you three, and you feel the nervousness from Johnny mix with your anxiousness. You don’t know what Jaehyun feels, nor do you care. You’re too busy trying to think of how to start this.

“I’m the one who cheated on y/n.”

You quickly turn your head towards him, eyes wide at Jaehyun’s sudden confession.

Johnny laughs, the look on his face showing he doesn’t understand the comment. “What?”

“I-um, remember the guy I told you about that cheated on me in high school? Yeah, that is Jaehyun- I mean Yoonoh.”

Any trace of a smile falls off Johnny’s face, and he tears his eyes away from you to look at the other man in the room. “And that’s true? You guys are from the same area of Connecticut, and you’re the guy she dated for two and a half years before he left and had his best friend tell her you cheated on her?”

Jaehyun nods his head, eyes looking away in shame. “I can’t imagine how you feel—”

“You’re right; you can’t. Because I’m sure you think I feel angry—and believe me, I am—that you did that to my wife. But more than angry, I feel stupid. I mean, the entire time you’ve been here, you’ve been dropping hints. You knew stuff about her that you wouldn’t have known unless you were close. And yeah, your excuses made sense at the time, but now that I think about it, I never would have mentioned y/n’s second flavor of ice cream to you in Korea. And you,” he looks back at you, and you feel another wave of anxiety rush over you. “I feel so stupid that I didn’t notice how uncomfortable you were. You only gave him short answers, and I’m sure you never looked him in the eyes for longer than three seconds.”

He laughs, running a hand through his hair. “God, I feel like such an idiot. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because it wasn’t just my wedding; it was yours. And you wanted him there, and it shouldn’t matter my past with him.”

“Yoonoh, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Y/n told me not to. She wanted you to be happy.”

Johnny nods his head, scoffing. “So she did it for me, and what? You did it for yourself?”

Jaehyun hesitates to answer, but, to his credit, he never breaks eye contact with Johnny. “I don’t know if I would say it’s that simple.”

“No, it’s simple. You broke her heart and made her feel worthless. But she set it aside because she loves me and wanted someone I considered a friend at my wedding, despite how she feels about you. But you, you kept it from me because you were scared. You were scared of how I would react. Instead of manning up and doing one good thing for y/n, you decided to keep it to yourself.”

Your heart melts at his speech, and you reach out to grab his hand. “Johnny.”

He smiles sadly at you, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Can we talk in private?”

You nod your head, letting him pull you out of the room. Johnny leads you to the kitchen, letting go of your hand to lean against the counter. He rubs a hand over his face, and despite his conflicted emotions, you feel a little of your anxiety melt away now that you’re away from Jaehyun.

“Is that really why you didn’t tell me? You wanted me to have a friend there? It’s not because you don’t trust me or anything?”

“No, of course, I trust you,” you say, grabbing his free hand in both of yours. “I just, I don’t know, I wanted you to have everyone you wanted at our wedding. You were so excited to have him there, and I couldn’t take that away from you. It’s supposed to be the best day of your life. You deserve to have the people you love there.”

“I don’t know what to say to that. That’s so stupidly selfless, and I wish you had told me. We’re a team now. We need to tell each other these things.”

You vigorously nod your head, hoping to show him you agree. “Yes, of course. I have never lied to you about anything else. Please know I trust you unconditionally.”

He sucks in a breath, tilting his head to the side. “I don’t like the idea of unconditional anything. I want you to trust me because you love me and believe in me. Not because you feel you need to because of this or because we are married.”

You nod your head, whispering an okay. You feel like you're grasping at straws; everything you say feels wrong. Maybe it's the anxiety that has been building up in the past five minutes, but you feel like one more wrong word from you, and you'll spiral into a crying mess.

“Now,” he clears his throat. “I have to go talk to him. But when I get back, let’s go out, okay?”

You lightly chew your lip, watching as he flashes you a fleeting smile before making his way back to where Jaehyun is.

—

Jaehyun felt the air leave his chest once you and Johnny left the room. While not physically hit, the look on his friend's face felt like an emotional punch.

After you two left the room, he sat on the bed and threw his head into his hands. In hindsight, he probably should have let you tell him. Maybe Johnny wouldn’t have been as mad. Then again, Jaehyun has no idea how mad his friend is. He has a feeling that he’ll find out once he returns.

“So you really cheated on my wife, huh?”

Jaehyun chuckles, raising his head out of his hands to look at Johnny, who closed the door behind him. “I bet you never thought you’d say those words.”

“Come on. We need to have this conversation.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” he sighs, pushing himself up from the bed. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know, so just let me talk. So when your family moved here, you moved to the same city as y/n, met, and started dating. At some point, you started cheating on her, but then moved back to Korea and had one of your then friends tell her?”

Jaehyun can’t bring himself to look Johnny in the eyes. Seeing you had kicked him in his ego. It reminded him of the person he used to be. But now, having to tell your husband about how horrible of a boyfriend he was really made him feel small.

“I didn’t ask him to do that. He just decided on doing that. Not that I blame him.”

Johnny nods his head. “I don’t need to know why—it doesn’t matter. But do you know how worthless you made her feel? Just the other day, she asked me if I still wanted to marry her because she was thinking about your relationship. She told me I deserved better. And I’m sure some of that came from keeping this secret from me, but a majority of it came from you.”

Jaehyun looks up to see if he is done. The first night he got here, and almost every night since, he thought of the things Johnny might say once he found out. He would never describe his friend as violent, so he wasn’t worried about getting hit. He would prefer being punched to the look on his friend's face.

“I invite you to my wedding,” Johnny continues, seemingly annoyed at Jaehyun’s lack of response. “And invite you to our home. When you see your ex-girlfriend open the door, instead of being a decent human and telling her you’ll stay somewhere else, you stay in our home. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that probably made her?”

“I did offer to leave, but she told me it was okay. She said she didn’t want to influence our relationship. She also said you’d pick her over me.”

Johnny sighs. “What do you expect me to say to that?”

Jaehyun shrugs. “I don’t know, but I do want to apologize. I’m sorry I put you in this position, and I’m sorry I lied to you. I never meant-I don’t know what I meant. I just know I never intended to cause a problem between you and y/n. I came and stayed because you’re my friend, and I wanted to celebrate one of the biggest days of your life.”

“You’re not listening,” Johnny insists. “I’m not mad because you’re the guy who cheated on her. I’m mad because you didn’t say anything. I can’t say anything would be different if you had told me before, but it might have been! We could have talked it out, and you could have convinced me you changed. But now, instead of looking at you as the guy who broke her heart, I’m looking at you as the guy who also made her uncomfortable in her own home. At her wedding! How could you do that to her?”

“I don’t know.”

“You’re going to have to do better than that.”

Jaehyun sighs. He knows this is a losing conversation. Nothing he can say would make this situation better. “I guess I was being selfish. I wanted to protect my friendship with you by not telling you this. Yes, of course, I felt guilty for what I put y/n through. But she said she wanted me there for you. I felt trapped because I wanted to be there, you wanted me there, and she wanted me there for you but not herself. What was I supposed to do? Go against her and tell you?”

“Yes! Yes, you should have told me. Because she cares for me, she put me first. She decided she was less important than I am, and you are the only one to blame for that. And that is unacceptable. As my friend, you should have told me.”

“Hyung, I’m sorry.”

His friend takes a deep breath, running his left hand through his hair. The silver band on his finger catches his attention, and he feels another wave of guilt wash over him. “You know you need to leave?”

Jaehyun nods his head. He didn’t know what the outcome of this conversation was going to be, but he knew this was bound to happen.

“Good. Y/n and I are going out, so if you could be gone by the time we get back that would be best. I’ll still drive you to the airport, and maybe then we can talk about where our relationship goes from there.”

He nods his head, feeling too lost to say anything. Johnny silently leaves the room, and a few minutes later, he hears the front door close. He wishes he isn’t the one to blame. That he can blindly call you and Johnny jerks and leave with his ego intact. Now that he had that conversation, though, he knows there is no other narrative to possibly tell.

He is the villain. No longer is he the friend who came all the way from South Korea for his friend’s wedding. Now, he is the guy who cheated on his friend’s wife and had the nerve to stay in their home and attend the wedding. He chuckles, finally moving from his spot.

It’s almost funny. All this might have been avoided had he come clean in the first place. If he had just been honest, maybe he could still call Johnny his friend. But if history is any indication, Jaehyun has a problem with the truth.

—

“So where are we going?” you ask, following Johnny as he starts down the street.

He shrugs his shoulders. “I was thinking we could just walk and talk.”

You nod your head, pursing your lips as you reach out to grab his hand. You don’t know what to think.

“Y/n, I just don’t understand. When you told me someone cheated on you, I was so confused. I was both mad and sad for you. You knew what I thought about the man who cheated on you, and you still didn’t tell me it was him. I would’ve worked with you. Worked to make you comfortable.”

You sadly hum, the constant weight of the situation settling on your chest and making it hard to breathe. “I know, honey, I know. And that’s why I didn’t tell you. It’s only a big deal to me—”

He interrupts you with a laugh. “That’s false, and you know it. Don’t even give me that. You knew it would be a big deal to me, and that’s why you didn’t tell me. And yeah, Yoonoh told me that you wanted to protect my relationship with him. That because it was also my wedding, I should have whoever I wanted there. But that’s crap, and you know it.”

You squeeze his hand, looking at all the passing people. All these people passing by, and none of them have any idea about your situation. To them, you’re just another couple having an average conversation. You’re envious of their ignorance but thankful for the hope that maybe it isn't as world-shattering as it feels.

“I don’t know what to say. I understand why you’re mad. I don’t know how I’d feel if some girl who cheated on you came to the wedding. Because I hold such a high opinion of you, I would think she doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near you. But he’s your best friend from an amazing time in your life, and I couldn’t be the reason you two don’t talk.”

A silence falls between you two, and to try and avoid your thoughts, you focus on the sound of cars passing by. When you were younger, you never imagined your life in New York. You love Connecticut and had every intention of moving back after finishing college. Enter Johnny.

When you first met Johnny, you paid him no mind. He was just another face in the crowd. After you met him on Ellis Island, you started noticing him more in the crowds of people you passed every day.

Apparently, he felt the same. He started smiling at you when you passed in the halls, occasionally exchanging greetings. Then, one day in psych, he deviated from his usual seat in the middle and joined you in the front.

“Can I sit here?”

You smile at him, hoping he can’t see how happy you are to see him. “Yeah, of course.”

You silently watch as he sits down, pulling out his notes. “Oh,” you start, not wanting the conversation to end just yet. “I never got to thank you for helping me with that boy the other day. It meant a lot to me.”

“It was the least I could do. You looked like you had your hands full.”

You laugh, nodding your head. “Yeah, I was. I don’t know if you noticed, but that little boy and I had a bit of a language barrier.”

He hums. “Well, I am happy to lend a helping hand when I notice a damsel in distress.”

You laugh at the remark, not missing how the comment made your heart light. You quickly shut the feeling down, choosing to focus on your notes. You haven’t seriously dated anyone since Jaehyun, and you don’t know if you’re ready. Throughout the class you tried to ignore the urge to look at him.

“Hey, so I’ll see you Friday for class?”

You smile up at him, happy he wants to see you again. “Yeah, see you Friday.”

After that, you two started talking more, and eventually, he asked you out. You were hesitant at first, still nervous after everything that happened with Jaehyun. Around your third date, you told him that. Told him that if he wanted out now, he could take it, and you wouldn’t blame him. He smiled, shaking his head softly before telling you there was nothing to worry about. From what he had seen so far, there was nothing that would make him think he needed to use that out.

“We’ll work past this, right?” you ask softly, not wanting to hear an answer. “You don’t think poorly of me?”

He squeezes your hand. “Sweetheart, do you think something like this would make me care for you any less?”

You feel the tears prickle in your eyes, and you hug his arm with your free hand. “I love you.”

—

Jaehyun heaves a nervous sigh, bouncing his leg nervously as he waits for Johnny's call. He hasn’t spoken to his friend since he was kicked from your apartment—the last conversation he shared with him has replayed in his mind for the past few days.

When Johnny's contact photo pops us—a dumb photo he took of a drunk Johnny in a party hat—he feels his heart stop. What am I going to say? How do I act normal?

He clears his throat, trying to rid his body of the nervousness. “Hey, you out front?”

“Yeah. As soon as you leave the building, I’m there.”

“Okay, see you in a second.” Jaehyun pushes himself up, hanging up the phone as he walks the few steps out of the automatic doors. His friend wasn’t kidding. As soon as he steps outside the hotel, he sees his friend’s car trunk popped open for Jaehyun to load his things.

He walks as slowly as he can without it being obvious, mentally building up the courage to sit with Johnny and have what he can imagine is the most awkward conversation he will ever have in his life.

“I’ve done a lot of thinking,” Johnny starts, not leaving any time between the start of the drive and the start of the conversation, “and a lot of talking with y/n, and honestly, I don’t know what to do. I talked with her, and she wants me to keep you as a friend if that is what I want without thinking about her.”

“And is that what you want?” Jaehyun keeps his eyes on the outside world. He doesn’t know if he can stand to see any of the left-over disappointment.

“I don’t know what I want. Even if she says not to keep her in mind, she’ll always be in my mind when I look at you. I mean, no offense, but now when I look at you, I am reminded of the secret you guys kept from me and how I felt when I found out. I mean, I felt like you guys played me, and it was all some sick joke.” Johnny sighs, and out of the corner of his eye, Jaehyun can see him shake his head. “But that is beside the point. I asked her if she could ever forgive you for what happened.”

Jaehyun sits straighter in his seat, turning his head to face his friend. “And… and what did she say?”

“She says that when you’re with her, it feels like you revert to who you were in high school. That she can still see traces of the same man who hurt her. But when you’re with me, she sees the man I view as my best friend. She said she likes Yoonoh much better than Jaehyun and that if you can continue to be that man around me, then she can understand if we remain friends."

"I change that much?”

Johnny shrugs. “I don’t know.”

He nods his head, looking back out the window. He lets a few seconds of silence pass by as he decides if he wants to hear the answer to the question that still needs asking. “And you? What do you think about still being my friend?”

“Right into it, huh?” His friend laughs humorlessly. “I don’t know, Yoonoh. You were part of the reason I had such a good time in Korea, and without you, I don’t think I would have enjoyed my time as much. I made other friends there, but none I clicked with like you, and none that I still talk with to this day. So you matter to me. But at the same time, you cheated on my wife before we met. When she told me about this, she told me about the pain and the self-esteem issues that came with being cheated on. And then you lied to me about it. Sure, so did y/n, but she did it selflessly, and you lied for you. I don’t mean to put it so bluntly, but I don’t know anymore.”

“I don’t mean this in a joking way, but I agree. I don’t know what you should do either. I want to say you should forgive me, but I don’t know if that is the ‘right’ thing to do. What would make you feel less guilty?”

“I have been thinking about this for the past three days, and I can’t say what that would be. I tried to imagine my life without you and my life with you. I feel like I have to choose between you and my wife, and I don’t want to make that choice.”

“You know, you don’t need to make that choice now. I’m not going anywhere, and neither is y/n. You can text me whenever you have made your choice—whatever that may be. If you don’t want to talk to me, then I will respect that, and we go our separate ways. You and y/n are right—I have been selfish during this whole thing. It’s time for me to be as unselfish as I can and tell you that you can take as long as you need. Know there is no pressure on my side of this.”

Johnny sighs. “You know, saying things like that reminds me why I like you.”

Jaehyun laughs, happy to have something lighthearted in the environment. The comment gives him hope that maybe things will be okay between them. Even if it isn’t okay, he meant what he said; whatever Johnny decides, he will respect it. He wouldn’t ask his friend to do anything that might cause an issue in his marriage. Not when he found you.

—

“Talk later then?”

“Yeah, let me know when you land in Korea. Safe flight.”

Jaehyun nods his head, waving goodbye. Johnny sighs, watching his friend walk into the airport. He feels like so much happened in four days, and now, more than ever, he is ready to go on his honeymoon and have a week dedicated to just you and him.

Ten minutes into his drive back and five minutes into sitting in traffic, the loud ring of his phone causes him to jump.

“I gotta see if I can make this quieter,” he mumbles, pressing accept on the steering wheel. “Hello?”

“Hey, did I time it right?” you start, skipping the greeting. “I added an extra twenty minutes to the hour drive from when you left the hotel to make sure you had dropped him off. Not that I would mind calling you while he is still there, I just wouldn’t want to get in the way of you guys spending the rest of the time together. And now I’ve been talking for too long. You really need to learn to interrupt me.”

Johnny laughs. “I love it when you talk. Don’t worry about it, Love.”

You laugh, and he imagines you throwing your head back. “Love? That’s a new one. Anyway, I looked at the weather for when we’ll be in Italy, and it looks perfect! Low seventies, high sixties.”

He laughs, resting his head against the driver's window as he watches the cars barely inch forward. “And to think, you had your doubts about the Amalfi Coast.”

“Hey! First, we both put suggestions into the hat, and it isn’t my fault your brother picked your suggestion. Second, I never had any doubts about Italy. Don’t lie.”

“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. The weather sounds great. I’m stuck in traffic right now; I guess there was some accident on top of the normal traffic. So I’ll be home in like one hundred years.”

“Aw, I’m sorry. Want me to pick some food up from that Greek place around the corner? A little comfort food for us?”

He smiles, knowing you mean comfort for more than just the traffic. “Yeah, that sounds great. Get me the gyro-”

“Gyro chicken mix plate. You really should change it up now and again. You’re getting too predictable.”

He laughs. “Yeah, maybe next time. Once you find the good stuff, it’s too scary to try new food.”

“Whimp.”

“Whatever you say. Mind you I am also driving. It’s not like I can check the menu. That would be unsafe.”

“Excuses, excuses.” You sigh, and Johnny can hear the shuffling of papers. “Alright, I’m going to head home now. I gotta write this substitution plan before we can leave. But I’ll get the food, and while we feast, why don’t we watch some tv?”

“Sounds like a brilliant plan. Love ya.”

“Love you too.”

---

Thank you for reading! This as been a wip forever now and it feels really good to finally put this out (even if it is a few days later than I thought). I would love to know what you thought!!

Have a great day/night <3

Taglist: @legbouk @lydinews

masterlist

#NCT-WRITERS #NCT #nct johnny x reader #nct johnny #johnny seo #nct jaehyun #jung yoonoh #jung jaehyun #nct fluff #nct imagines #nct scenarios #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #nct 127 fluff

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hearteyes-for-killmonger · 1 year

Text

Beef Over Wands

Tags: Harry Potter Universe, Black Panther, HBCU, reader insert, Erik Stevens, Fernander (Trevante Rhodes from Burning Sands)

Visuals ▪︎ Last Part

Flashback

You had the most random dream last night. You were at Hogwarts, but you were representing Beauxbatons Academy.. shimmy-shimmy-ya'ing your negroid way into the great hall where your friends were.

You've never had an interest in Beauxbatons outside of your mom. You have, however, visited the university on a tour. It wasn't bad for a PWI.

"Mom," you yell, hunting for her in the house. She's spelled a big breakfast to cook and her new pants to hem themselves in the living room while she polishes a collection of ancient silverware by hand. "Of all things to do. Why are you working so hard?"

"Pride."

"It's so tedious," you stare, amazed at her patience. It's a lot of silver collected through the years. "This is ridiculous. Let me spell it."

"That's something you kids don't understand, the power in working with these," her hands raise. "You're so quick in jumping to magic. You can't live without it."

"You're right. Maybe I'll take a gap year and consider a muggle college."

"Watch yourself," she gives you a stern finger. You're only kidding. You're more excited to go away for college than she is to tell people her daughter's gone away to college. "Studying me.. Child, what did you come to tell me?"

"It's the strangest thing. I dreamt about Beauxbatons last night, and conveniently, you've been wearing a special kind of blue all week. Any confessions?"

"Girl, I don't have the slightest clue what you're asking me right now."

"Did you spell me?"

"Why would I do that, I have faith that you'll make a decent decision."

"I've asked you to stop messing with my head when I sleep!"

"Oh, I wouldn't slink to spell you over something so simple."

She would. She absolutely would. Your dad always calls her the Slytherin that didn't make it, and you have no doubt that the Hogwarts sorting hat would barely need to touch her to make the call.

"What exactly do you love so much about Beauxbatons?"

"What didn't I love," she sighs, remembering. "There’s structure. Instead of aimless gallavanting into deathly forests and wormholes, we quest with purpose and firm guidance. It's more evolved. The sisterhood is unmatched. I've never been anywhere else like it. I think Mr. Munch is still there," she taps you. "He taught my favorite class. Rebuffing Dark Magic. Straight and to the point."

"We called that Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"These are college courses, it's different."

"Of course.."

"Anyways, we called it correctly at Beauxbatons. I got the rundown of Hogwarts from your father, and I promise you, point for point, Beauxbatons is far superior."

"Interesting.." If that's true and Beauxbatons is more informative, you might honestly consider it. That's if you choose a magical school at all.

Being accepted into every magical and muggle university you applied to has been a gift and a curse. Everyone's congratulatory, but they have their own ideas of what you should do.

Mom says Beauxbatons or bust.

Dad isn't pushing, but that's only because he's assuming you'll continue on to Hogwarts University, another PWI, his alma matter.

Then there's Fernander, your meathead muggle boyfriend of 3 years. He's been here while you've been spending entire school years in London. It's how things have always been, until recently. You're both out of school and grown. Suddenly you have the freedom to go wherever you please and he expects you to go with him.

You've been sitting on your thoughts for weeks, going back and forth, weighing the options. Either way you go, someone will be disappointed. You've talked to dad. You've talked to mom. You've been avoiding the subject with Fernander, but now it's time to bring him in.

After texting him, you drive your mom's car out to the boxing gym where he's the youngest trainor, having found his passion early in life. He's working with a guy years older than him, and he's so absorbed he doesn't see you, so you wait. When he finishes, he spots you and comes jogging over with a smile.

Usually, you're coming to watch, but today you came to have a serious conversation, not to chitchat.

"Hey Tre," your hands fold in front of your body. "You got a minute?"

"Shoot."

"As you know, I've got a big decision to make that will affect us both, and my window is closing. I'm torn."

"You're torn? The hell you mean you torn? We already agreed."

"When I do that," you frown. "I said I'd think about it, and that's what I'm doing. I'm still not.. sold on what I wanna do." You follow as he leads you from earshot of the people training. "I said I'd consider attending a muggle college, but the more I do, the more I see that I'd be settling."

"A life with me is settling?"

"That's not what I said."

"I heard what you said. Maybe you didn't hear what you said."

"You want to fight or talk? Can't do both. I'm making my decision very soon so I needed to talk to you."

"All I ever hear is you, you, you," he jabs. "We've finally reached a point where we're grown enough to make our own decisions. We could have days and nights together, like a real couple! Why it seem like I'm the only one who wants that?"

"Fe, if I asked you to quit boxing in your prime, quit training, would you do it? To be near me?" You stop his answer with a hand in the air. "The difference is I wouldn't ask you to."

"So what now," he stares. "You go abroad to do magic tricks, and I stay here waiting?"

"No, you pick from one of your many scholarships and have fun."

"What happens with Grad school? Do you even wanna be with me?"

"Of course." You wouldn't lie about that. "Distance doesn't have to be the enemy."

"Tssss," he sighs, rubbing his head. "This isn't gonna work." He stares evenly into your eyes, and it seems you're both quite clear in what you feel. You want to be together, but it isn't feasible.

"I guess not," you agree. The admission breaks your heart. You part ways with him, hoping he'll mature enough to understand that your education comes first. You're young and can settle later. In the meantime, you're glad a muggle university is off the table.

On your bed are six acceptance letters. Ilvermorny, Beauxbatons, Gavelstone, Pigfarts, Palindromes, and Hogwarts University. Your honest inclination is HU, but that's only because of your seven formative years in Hogwarts School of Wizardry.

"Yes," you respond to your mom calling you. She yells again. "YES?" Silence. You go out to see what she wants and there's a letter on the table.

"Another acceptance?" She smiles, walking away with pride as you approach where the letter lies. You open it and and there's the familiar feel of parchment. It says the Hogwarts Agricultural and Magical University (HAMU), but you don't recall ever applying.

You wait until your father returns home to ask him if he's heard of it, and he has. It's an HBCU based in the states. You didn't even know there was such a thing in the magical world.

"Oh yeah," he says. "You'd be surprised. I'd have gone, but my brother's all went to HU, so I went to HU.. Hogwarts is Hogwarts," he adds, sensing your interest.

"Do you think you could get me a brochure or something?"

"I'll do you better. I'll put you in contact with an old friend who's an alumni."

Flash Forward

In the weeks you've been at HAMU, the highlight of your experience has been CrossWands Dueling Club. You were in Dueling Club at your last school, but this has proven to be advanced. Today, you simply watch as the rep for Slytherin duels the rep from Gryffindor. It's like watching a boss battle. Everyone's eyes are glued.

"Who you got," Erik whispers. He he was just on the other side of the small crowd. He's worked his way through taking bets. You don't answer his question since you don't know. You'd hate to disrespect your seniors. "Hey, look, I'm going to Grim's after this to see about getting my wand back.. I was wondering if you'd.. you know."

"If I what?"

"You gone make me say it?" He looks around, but no one's focused on what he's saying. We're all watching the duel. "Grim won't help me if it's just me."

"She might," you lie.

"You saw what happened that day. She don't like me."

Suddenly, Miri, the rep for Gryffindor, does a spell you haven't seen used in person. Erik's in the way.

"I'm-Can you stop talking?" You scribble quick small notes so you can practice it later. Erik steps aside, but seconds later, he's in your ear again whispering.

"I need you to be there. She'd help if someone she likes were to ask her."

"No," you say bluntly with no room for argument. You cross the crowd to the opposite side just as Gryffindor wins the duel. You can't help but think Erik should've been cheering on Shadow, his housemate, instead of taking bets against him. There's no sense of comradery. He's only out for himself.

That said, you approach both Miri and Shadow to pick their brains on dueling tips. It comes with the advice they give to every first year. "You only get what you take from HAMU. Sometimes, we have to teach ourselves when the knowledge we require goes above what our professors can provide," Miri says. Shadow adds, "The more risk there is to acquiring the skill, the more valuable it is. Skill will beat knowledge every day."

After leaving the dueling chamber, you head to the Cafe to see what snack you'll get. They have a few options. You see Erik following you, but you ignore him until he's directly behind you in the line, jumping in front of someone to get there.

You sigh, feeling him about to ask you some bs. "What?"

"I've already gone to Grim's on my own. She said someone else has my wand, but won't tell me who."

"What am I supposed to do about that? It's not my problem." You step up in the line thinking cake. Definitely a slice of cake.

"Talk around the club says you're good at dousing."

"I'm good at everything," you correct.

"You think you could locate my wand?"

"What's in it for me," you turn to face him. "It better be good."

"What do you want?" He shrugs.

@dashhoney25 @lettidarawest @soufcakmistress @ljstraightnochaser @princessstevens @eye-raq @thiccdaddy-mbaku @destinio1 @iamrheaspeaks @hidden-treasures21 @bidibidibombaclaat @forbeautyandlife @blowmymbackout @misspooh @thotyana-in-this-hoe @purplehairgawdess @thegucciwaffle @goddessofthundathighs @nobodybaby93 @theegoldenchild @thadelightfulone @sultanabby @mysticalblackhottie @baekhyunbabybunni @fd-writes @richonne4life @tgigoldie @thehomierobbstark @capswife @blackpinup22 @harleycativy @lishabaybee @playgurlxoxo

#original #erik killmonger #killmonger #erik stevens #erik killmonger fanfiction #black panther killmonger #black panther fanfiction #black fanfic writer #black fanfiction #black hogwarts #harry potter crossover #harry potter fanfiction

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weapon13whitefang · 21 days

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what does Cain do after walking up in hell ?

Before I get into this, I let everyone know that I am not religiously knowledgeable. I don’t go to church. I don’t study the Bible. I do research and know a few things just because it caught my attention. That being said, if something is biblically incorrect… Well okay then lol

Anyway! Cain died at 700+ years old (biblical age anyway). Human souls weren’t saved then. Jesus hasn’t sacrificed himself for our sins, so Cain woke up in Hell with all the other biblical figures that had died. This includes Abel. Yes, even Abel was in Hell. But Cain would not find his brother as Hell was vast and unkept. Lucifer had yet to really control it and make it the circus it would become. It was like the worst part of a Wild West before the Wild West existed as we know it. Cain wandered the Pride ring for years and years. Little by little seeing it grow and change. Then the Harrowing of Hell began. Jesus died on the cross and decended to Hell and saved the souls before him. This included Adam, who was the first soul that Jesus came across. Jesus was the one to give Adam the exit to Heaven. Thus he was lifted. When the others saw Adam’s escape, they too sought to leave.

Not all souls could ascend though. Many were sent up, yes. But a few could not rise as they were angered by God. Some were descendants of Cain himself. Their souls were tainted. Jesus tried but he couldn’t help them all.

The last soul to leave was Abel. He wanted to find Cain. Wanted to speak to his brother and show that while he was very hurt by his brother - physically and emotionally and psychologically - he loved Cain and wanted to forgive him. But the brothers always missed one another. Then Jesus sent Abel to heaven and Cain and Abel saw just a glimpse of one another. So they were never able to speak. Which is a large burden to both brothers.

After Jesus was risen again, Lucifer and Lilith finally started getting Hell “in order” (aka clean it up and build it). Lilith was the one to come across Cain. She recognized him as Adam’s son. She took him to Lucifer, who knew who he was too and recognized God’s mark on him. He could not remove it. But he accepted Cain and tried to give him a place in the show, so to speak. But Cain was used to being alone. Even after creating the city of Enoch, he was always alone in some form. So Lilith - understanding the need for solidarity- set him up a ranch to care for the “devil animals” Lucifer created while trying to build his dream. Cain could not grow crops again but he could gather crops like the apples from the apple trees that grew in Hell. The forbidden apples from Eden had rooted in Hell.

So the ranch became Cain’s home. He stayed on the edge/crust of the Pride circle building up the ranch and living in its wild. Of course others settled nearby but many stayed clear of the Morningstar Ranch due to it coming off very chaotic and hostile by their standards. Lucifer and Lilith would come visit and even brought Charlie when she was older. Cain had been a father himself. He was well with Kids if not very cautious with them. Especially Lucifer’s kid.

Most people make Cain angry at Lucifer and blame him for his fall. But in my head, Cain blames himself and God. He believes he and Abel were forced against one another and it’s God’s fault he lost it but he holds his own anger at letting himself try so hard to please a God that would never accept him or his offerings (his thoughts). So he isn’t angry at the Morningstar family or Abel. But he hates his father for always taking Abel’s side and never standing up for him. Cain is the older sibling of the two and felt he shouldn’t have been burdened with being his brothers keeper and they should have been treated as equals in the eyes of God and his dad.

He holds no anger to Eve he’s just disappointed that she was complacent in everything. But he also believes his mother was a prisoner of God and had no choice in how she was to react and be with everything. The years of wandering the earth and Pride made him have a little more sympathy for her. But he hates Adam with a very dangerous rage. He doesn’t kill anymore but the urge to bludgeon his father to death is strong. Especially when he learns who is in charge of the Exterminators.

Any more questions are welcome! 🤗

#hazbin hotel #cain #cain and abel

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pagerspages · 28 days

Text

Dear Dad 2

Dear Dad,

It has been just shy of one month and two weeks since you died. It still hurts but as much as I hate to say it, I’m getting used to the pain. We finally buried your ashes a week ago and I think that really helped me. Seeing how beautiful your final resting place is helped. Seeing the reverence that the workers at the veterans cemetery use when doing their jobs helped. Knowing where you are has helped.

There was over a full month between when you died and when we buried your ashes. I don’t think I took a deep breath that entire month. Looking back on it I don’t remember a whole lot about last month. I was so exhausted. I still am. I know now that grief is basically extra stress and stress causes exhaustion. I started drinking caffeine again and I know I shouldn’t but I don’t know how else to stay awake.

I still haven’t dreamt about you. I don’t remember many of my dreams anyway but I know if I saw you I would remember. I’m trying not to get upset about that. I know there has to be a reason I haven’t seen you but I worry that you haven’t visited because you’re angry at me. I worry that you’re angry I’ve been talking to my step brother even though you had no contact with them for so long. I worry that you’re angry it took so long to bury you and dedicate your grave. Please don’t be angry at me. I’m doing my best.

I haven’t cried since your graveside. I know part of this is because I’m not trying to make myself sad any more and I’m not putting myself in the situation to cry as much any more. I remember when they handed mom the flag at the graveside, the chaplain said, “On behalf of the President of The United States….” I kinda got annoyed. The president didn’t know you. The current one or the one while you were in the Vietnam War. They didn’t know you. We did. I know that shouldn’t have annoyed me but it did.

I’m going to try to make it up to visit you at least once a month. I should have done that while you were alive too. I’m sorry

Talk to you soon.

#dead dad club #grief #loss of a loved one

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yukimeyume · 9 months

Text

The story takes place from season 5x05. Rosalind is dead, John and Bailey have become engaged and are planning their wedding. Almost simultaneously, Ashley has broken up with Tim in hospital. Lucy comes to visit her good friend to check on him, unaware of her "good fortune".

Please excuse my bad English, I am from Germany.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 1 Hospital

"What are you doing here?" asked Tim, his face contorted in pain as he tried to straighten up a little. He hated being so restricted. But most of all, he didn't want Lucy to see him so miserable. Ashley had just broken up with him, but since the undercover mission with Lucy in Las Vegas, all he could think about was her. Even the 'practice kiss' in Lucy's flat had triggered feelings in him that he would never have thought possible, let alone right. If Tamara, Lucy's puppy hadn't walked in the door, they certainly wouldn't have stopped. Even if it was wrong, he wished they hadn't stopped.

Even their kiss on the plane, which was just to keep from blowing his cover, triggered something in him. And then only the situation in their hotel room. Lucy was so strong and independent and overpowered the criminals easily. Even if he would have hoped that they wouldn't have shown up in the first place.

And then there was the situation outside Lucy's flat after they had returned to LA. If Chris hadn't been lying there, would they have...? He had already thrown his reason overboard and it would not have been unlikely.

There was something between them. A strange chemistry he couldn't explain. They were first instructor and rookie, then Sargent and officer, rather partners and friends and now? Was it just a skip act in the context of the mission? No this relationship had developed over a longer period of time and the undercover mission had only brought out what he felt.

Now he was kind of glad Ashley had left him, even though he knew it wouldn't work out with Lucy because she was with Chris. But even so, it wasn't going to work out with Ashley anymore. That wouldn't have been fair to her.

"Well I've come to check on you," Lucy said and sat down by Tim's bed with a small smile. She stroked her hair and surveyed Tim. He looked done in. The surgery seemed to have left its scars - literally - the hospital clothes made him look very pale.

"That's nice, but you don't have to stay." "I know I don't have to. But I want to. After all, I'm making myself so-called. Where's Ashley anyway?" "Yeah that's a funny story," Tim said, trying to avoid Lucy's gaze. "Funny then? What happened? You're not usually this sarcastic. And don't try lying to me. I know when you're lying." Tim sighed. She was right he couldn't fool her at least not when it was so unprepared. "She left me. She didn't want to relive that thing with her dad." Lucy didn't answer. But Tim could see she couldn't decide between joy and pity. "And how is Chris?" so he tried to change the subject. "Good, I think. I don't know. We broke up." "Why's that? I thought things were going well between you." Tim had to be careful not to grin over both ears. Because now that Lucy was single, they might have a chance. "After the Rosalind thing, I've been thinking. He really is a dream man but he's not my dream man."

At the last part she looked intently at Tim, before she quickly averted her eyes again. She wanted to kiss him so much right now. She didn't understand when it had gone from friendly feelings to romantic ones but she accepted it. She liked Tim.

Tim noticed the intimate eye contact and tried to return it as lovingly as possible, but the pain took over and he winced briefly. When he opened his eyes again, she had already applied her gaze. "So where do we go from here?" he asked out of nowhere after they had just stared holes in the air for a while. "What do you mean?" she asked and Tim could clearly detect uncertainty in her voice. What was so bad about that question? "Don't you want to go home? You don't have to stay here." "What, oh that's what you meant. No it's fine, if you don't mind I'll stay." Tim looked at Lucy in confusion. What had she meant that he meant? "No stay but I'm afraid I can't offer you anything," he tried to say jokingly and Lucy smiled. "I'm not even sure about that."

#chenford #tim bradford #the rookie #fanfic #lucy chen #lucy x tim #Chen #Bradford

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assistancedogmischa · 2 months

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i haven't posted in a while & don't have much of an update, except to say that i was genuinely, strongly considering if i should wash Mischa - his anxiety in public spaces* isn't any better, though we also haven't done as much actual training as we should have (when we go someone, e.g. the supermarket, we're there to shop, not to train. but i really gotta make time to go there for training as well!). but he always surprises me - even though he's clearly not happy to be there, he's extraordinarily well behaved (except sometimes for some leash pulling...), and always does really well.

we've finally joined our local dog training club (now that we've moved and have access to one), we had our first session last week. we haven't been to a dog training class since puppy school, so i expected Mischa to be distracted and a pain, but he was so focused and did so well! the last ~5 minutes he was getting a bit antsy, but i'd run out of treats lol. and normally when we go to the dog park (where training is), it's to play and run around with other dogs, not to sit quietly and learn for 45 minutes. so i was very impressed!

(the training class is definitely too easy for us - sit, stay down, etc. - but i wanted to start with things we already know because its such a different environment than we're used to. i'm glad we did, i think we'd be ready to move up to the next class (Good Citizen) soon, but i think it's best to ease into it).

all that is to say, i'm more confident now that, with the exception of his anxiety, there's no real reason to wash. not at this stage, anyway. i'm moving interstate next year to go to uni, and i really, really want to be able to bring Misch with me. i just stayed for 2 weeks interstate for surgery, and i left Mischa with my dad because i knew i wouldn't be able to exercise him, and it was really hard! by the end of the 2 weeks i kept dreaming that when i got home he didn't recognise me anymore 😭. so if 2 weeks is that hard, i don't want to try 5 years!

*when i say 'public spaces' i mean things like shops, indoor malls, etc., not just out on the street or whatever. he's shy and doesn't like strangers, so i think a big part of that is the overwhelming, lots of people environment. (i get it, it makes me anxious too lol). but that said, he also doesn't like being in shops when we're the only people there - just the other day we went to a pet shop, we were the only customers, and all we did was walk around sniffing things and rewarding, but Misch was still very glad to leave.

my only solution i can think of is to keep training, gradual desensitisation, short visits only. but that's hard when you have limited energy - choosing between going to the shop for 10 minutes to train, therefore helping both Mischa and I for the long run, but feeling like i've "wasted" a trip (and energy) by not going shopping. or, going to the shop to do actual shopping, helping myself in the short term (by being able to eat lol), but overwhelming Mischa and using up all my energy for the day. i know that the long term solution is the better one, because it means eventually we can go to the shop to actually shop, and Mischa won't be overwhelmed because we did all this training. but the short term solution is also a necessity - i need to buy food to survive lol. (most of the time, i just leave Mischa in the car when I shop. we're not at a point where I can manage shopping (overwhelming and exhausting for me) and training a nervous dog at the same time). (i remember someone saying once that an ADiT becomes an AD when they're no longer a hindrance, but a help. at this stage, Mischa is still a hindrance!).

no one really talks about the struggles of training a dog when you're disabled, even though that's the whole reason why we have assistance animals!

#dogpost #described #service dog in training #assistance dog in training #assistance dog #maremma #white swiss shepherd #maremma sheepdog #service dog #berger blanc swisse #also my car (with mischas vest & leash in it) was stolen. thankfully most of my dog stuff was in the house but some of the important stuff #- (like his vest! and the expensive leash with the handle that i need bc of my grip issues!) was in it. and we found the car but theyd -#- thrown away all the stuff inside it. like even the rearview mirror and the first aid kit and literally everything. and we couldnt rescue #- the car anyway so its probably a burn out husk by now lol... i was more upset about loosing the stuff inside the car than the car itself!#so now we dont have an AD vest anymore. i have a dog backpack (ruffwear's approach pack) that i want to use as his 'vest' but i need to -#- get patches for it so it identifies him as an AD. only ever had 1 access issue (before i got the vest) but i like the security AD -#- identification gives us. esp. because we arent with an organisation or anything.

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starsofmilos · 2 years

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Sweet Escape IX (Adrian Chase x reader)

Synopsis: The lengths you’d go for Adrian Chase were way more than anyone originally thought.

So I’m coming back to this series! Once again thank you @charleetheefictionalfucker for all of the help! My twin thanks for all your support and I’m so happy we’re brining our story back.

Sweet Escape Masterlist

Warnings: mentions of sex, magic, ptsd, mentions of trauma, death, grief, violence

“Mommy’s gonna buy you a Mockingbird, I'ma give you the world, I'ma buy a diamond ring for you, I'ma sing for you, I'll do anything for you to see you smile...”

You smiled rocking your baby boy back and forth humming your small lullaby. Adrian admired you while holding your baby girl from the doorway.

“Y/N?” You glanced up giving him a small grin.

“Oh hey..I got him down..Is she asleep?..”

“Not yet..just like her mother she’s fucking stubborn.”

“Don’t curse in front of the baby.”

“Sorry..She’s freaking stubborn like her mother.”

“She should be stubborn and strong..It’s part of her name.”

“Laurie..Beautiful Laurie..”

“I know and this is Michael.” You sing songed getting up to place Michael in his crib.

“Hand me Laurie. I’ll try to put her to sleep..” Adrian shook his head taking your previous spot.

“Nah...My girl and I will stay up for a bit. You get some rest.”

“You know I can’t rest without you.”

“I know, but at least go shower or something. I wanna do this. I wanna make sure I can put them to sleep.” You laughed a bit giving him a kiss.

“You’re a great dad.”

“And you’re a great mom so go shower.” You nodded using your magic to place a blanket on Michael giving one last glance to Adrian before walking out.

That was the end of your dream.

You gasped sitting up looking around. Same room. Same emptiness.

“Fuck not again..” Running your hands over your face, you got up heading to the kitchen making your cup of tea.

Mornings usually went like this nowadays. It had officially been three months since you left Evergreen. Well since you had released Evergreen and you had defeated Amara..

Along with saying one last goodbye to Adrian..

Adrian has officially been dead for close to a year now. Not to you at least, but physically he’d been dead for close to a year.

Adebayo had managed to help clean up the mess you made. Evergreen didn’t forgive you. Not that you wanted them too.

What you did was bad and you were grateful your friends had helped you. Even though it hurt to know that afterwards they left you once again.

Not that they wanted too at least.

They went back to missions and visited you once a week. The deal was for you to go far away. So Waller couldn’t find you and so you couldn’t cause anymore harm for anyone.

You agreed.

Lately though..You’d been dreaming.

You’d been dreaming about Adrian once more. At least you weren’t using your magic to bring him to life, but just dreaming about him was dangerous. It was the perfect life you had wanted.

A life where there was no more fighting and one where you had children...

Children..

Laurie Chase and Michael Chase. They were beautiful, but not real.

They were not real.

It was something that you kept having to remind yourself. You wanted to bring it up to your friends, but at the same time...

Haven’t you burdened them enough?

Your grief almost caused innocent people their lives. Your selfishness..

“You’re allowed to be selfish. We went over this remember.” Adrian’s voice rang out.

“I’m not. I lost that right after I took over a town to live in a fake reality where you were here..Didn’t I say to leave me alone also?..”

“I can’t. I want too, but your mind keeps making me up. I know you miss me-”

“No. No. Don’t say you know. You don’t. Now go away.”

“I understand your pain my love-”

‘You don’t understand my fucking pain! You could never! I didn’t leave you! You left me! You get the relaxation of being dead and not having to deal with any of this alive people shit Adrian! Everything I am feeling anyways is your fucking fault! So just- Just go away!”

“Y/N. I can’t-” Your eyes flashed red as you swiped him away.

“Your dead so stay dead.” Wiping your small tears and shaking it off. You stalked to your bedroom throwing yourself on your bed. A nap should help calm the thoughts running through your head.

You also haven’t mentioned the hallucinations to anyone. This may have been the lowest you had ever been in your life. Not as low as you were in Evergreen, but still low.

If only your dream was real. Why couldn’t your dream just be fucking real?

Part of you longed for the days where you lived in a fake tv show. Adrian was there at least, but you promised him you’d try to be normal again.

Shutting your eyes for a small moment of peace you were startled by what seemed to be the sound of laughter.

“Mom!! Michael won’t share the candy!!”

“Guys! i told you to leave your mom alone for now and Michael Chase you better share that fucking candy!”

“Mom said we can’t swear!” Your’s sons voice rang out causing you to laugh.

“I did say that Adrian!” You called out walking into the room seeing Adrian holding each of your children upside down.

“C’mere babies.” You grabbed Laurie from him sticking your tongue out at Adrian.

“Now MIchael share candy with your sister.”

“But-” He fussed about to argue stopping once he saw your disapproving look.

“I will make you share with your dad instead if you don’t share with your sister.”

“NO! Dad will eat all of it!” Adrian gasped dramatically as Michael hid the candy behind his back.

“Not true!”

“Yeah huh!”

“Nuh uh!”

“Yeah-”

“Enough!” You rolled your eyes giving them both a pointed look. Adrian would be the type of dad to argue with his own child.

“Fine! Here Laurie!” She grinned up at you accepting her candy. You sighed shaking your head.

“How did they grow up so fast?” Adrian smiled at your utter pulling you into a kiss.

“Maybe we need more-”

“No! No more!” You pushed him away shaking your head. Adrian grabbed your hand giving you a smile. You didn’t notice how the air suddenly thickened.

Your children disappeared.

“Stay.”

“What?” Muttering out in slight fear at Adrian’s sudden command. You pulled away seeing the room you were in gone. It was just Adrian.

“Where are the children?-”

“Alive and well just not here. This is real, but not in your world so find us...and stay.” You shook your head in disbelief.

“Just another hallucination I should’ve known better-”

“You managed to take over an entire town and bring back a dead man. I know you have been actually hallucinating Adrian, but this is real. The Multiverse is real.”

“You’re not Adrian and the multiverse is just a myth. It’s too dangerous to fuck with anyways.”

“I’m not..I’m someone who wants to help and you’ve been through worse.”

“Amara is gone-”

“She is. Read the book.” You shook your head once more in confusion. This fake Adrian laughed.

“Amara got her magic someway right? So read the damn book. I remember your deal. The book is in your care. For it’s safety..Oh how stupid they were giving you of all people something with such power..” He shoved something in your hands pushing you out a sudden door.

You gasped awake screaming as a book appeared in your hands. This was the book Amara had studied in order to use her magic. The book cursed to turn anyone who reads it into something like Amara.

It had been locked away with you after Evergreen and this is the first time you’ve genuinely held it.

The deal was that you and this book would go into hiding.

This book...

The book you could use to control your magic better and maybe just maybe find a way to see Adrian and your children..

Was the fake Adrian right? Would you get your happy ending? Was it still a possibility?

No that couldn’t be right! No it just couldn’t! You promised Adrian you’d try to be normal-

But your children needed you didn’t they? You glanced down at the book hands shaking as they hovered over it. Maybe just a peek.

It wouldn’t hurt right?

There was only one way to find out.

#adrian chase #fanfiction #adrian chase x reader #vigilante fanfiction #adrian chase x you #vigilante x reader #fanfic #vigilante peacemaker #peacemaker #adrian chase peacemaker

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eddieheart · 2 years

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HOSPITAL

(Part 2)

Fandom: Stranger Things

Pairings: NONE

Words: 839

Description: Billy, a few weeks after waking up

Warning: I have never seen stranger things, yes I know, I’m terrible. I have seen some videos and read some fanfic, but I also have my amazing editor @buggylad, who has seen the show. So enjoy!

Billy had been in the hospital for two fucking weeks now and the constant babying was starting to get to him. 'Let me help you up billy', 'let me get you a drink billy', 'let me change your fucking bandages billy'. Jesus fuck, he wasn't some sort of fucking invalid.

Worst of all the nurses wouldn't let him smoke, apparently it's bad for him after being choked half to death. What do they know, it's not like its the first time it's ever happened, he's not just some pussy.

Billy was laying in his cot. Max had been visiting him every fucking day, always fucking yapping about her merry island of misfit toys like they put the fucking moon in the sky or something.

Oh, fuck how much he wished he had a fucking cigarette right now. Billy swore last night ne had a dream about chain smoking a pack of Marlboro red's.

"Anyway I don't really believe him but... whatever. So... so Billy, Hopper and I were talking... um... they- the hospital, they want to release you but they can't without a legal guardian so... um... Hopper said- well he decided... um." Max twiddled with her hair, nervously glancing between her brother and the ground.

"Jesus Max, just spit it out!" He slammed his hands down onto the thin bed. Max flinched back in her chair and sighed.

"Hopper registered as a foster parent and he wants you to stay with him. The only other foster families are two districts over, you'd have to move schools and... and I wouldn't be able to see you." Her voice broken as Max looked to the older boy.

Billy rolled his eyes and threw himself back onto the bed. Oh fucking course it was the chief of fucking police. Who the fuck does he think he is? Billy isn't just some charity case. Letting out a huff of annoyance he glanced at the young girl.

"Can you get me a fucking pudding cup or not?" He practically snarled at Max, she got up and scampered out of the room.

His dad tried to kill him and Susan his supposed 'mother' didn't want him either. Billy's thoughts drifted off to his mother, soft, long blond hair, gorgeous, bright eyes, lovely. He blinked away tears, repeating a mantra in his head.

Boys do not cry, boys do not cry, boys do not cry, boys do not cry, boys do not cry, boys do not cry, boys do not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry...

——

A nurse helped him out bed, Billy leaned onto her as she shimmied him into a wheelchair. He'd tried to tell them he didn't need any of that pussy shit but apparently it was hospital policy or something.

After getting seated the nurse continued on, pushing him through the winding halls of the hospital. They stopped at a desk on the way, Billy sat in silence as a doctor rattled off a list of medications and care instructions, he didn't listen.

Hopper and Max stood by his side through it all, both taking notes and asking questions. They quickly used the group out and with the help of Hopper they got Billy into his car.

Billy never thought a cop helping him into a police car would be a good thing. The drive to his cabin wasn't long, though it wasn't short either. Max was in the front with Hopper, she fiddled with the radio before settling on some rock song.

In the blink of an eye they had arrived, Billy refused help this time, hobbling over to the small cabin by himself. The older man opened the door and ushered the pair inside. Billy flinched back as a small figure ran into the room. A young girl shot forward, launching into Max's arms, hugging her tightly.

"Hello." The small girl mumbled out.

"Hi, El. We brought Billy." Max smiled and gestures to her brother.

"Hello Billy. I'm El," He nodded in greeting. "You room, come." The young girl walked ahead and ushered for him to follow.

She lead him into a small room with a bed and a closet. The young girl glance up to him in with a questioning look. Billy remembered her now, from the sauna. Max and Hopper were talking in another room, so if he said anything they wouldn't hear. Smiling, El turned to leave, billy stoped her.

"Hey... um... El, I'm... uh, I'm sorry that I hurt you. At... at the pool, in the sauna, I'm sorry I hurt you." Tilting her head to the side in confusion she walked closer to the older boy.

"Not you. No sorry. Hug." Billy's eyes widened as the girl launched herself forward and into his arms.

Billy hadn't been hugged in years, not since his mom. He gently placed his arms into her back, patting it softly. Footsteps could be heard coming towards them, Billy quickly pulled away and sat on the mattress.

Part 3:

@buggylad

#hurt billy hargrove #billy hargove imagine #billy hargrove #jim hopper #eleven #jane hopper #max hargrove #max mayfield #fanfiction #fanfic #stranger things

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survey--s · 7 months

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671.

What is the one thing you remember most about January of last year? Not much, really. Mike was off work for most of it but otherwise it was just a pretty typical January from what I can remember.

You look at the clock and it’s 11:11, do you wish? No.

How do you think you will look 3 years from now? Probably about the same, just a bit older.

Once you graduate (if you haven’t already) are you leaving your hometown? I left my hometown for university, then went back for a few years, then left again about seven years ago.

What is your dream job? I love what I do now. I'd also love to work in a zoo but I don't have the qualifications to do anything like that and I can't afford to go back and take another degree.

What would be number one on your bucket list? Travel to all the continents.

How old do you think you’ll be when you make your will? I don't really feel the need to make a will - I'm married without children so everything will go to my husband (and vice versa), which is all our will would say anyway.

You get a text message. who do you hope it is? Nobody really.

Are there any songs that you hear that just make you wanna dance? Sure.

Do you get any of your songs from limewire? Ha, how old is this?! I kinda miss LimeWire.

What’s the oddest thing you are wearing right now? I don't think I'm wearing anything odd - just leggings, a t-shirt and a hoody.

You and your best friend get in a fight. why do you think that is? We only ever really argue about his mess.

Do you use the word “basically” a lot? I don't think so.

Do you use proper grammar or use IM talk? Proper grammar.

What is your biggest annoyance at the time? Mike has a cold and kept me awake half the night coughing and now I'm exhausted ha.

You see the person you fell hardest for. what do you do? Well, we're married so...just what I do everyday lol.

Have/are you depressed? Yes, I have a depression diagnosis though it's been pretty well controlled for the past few years now.

Did you grow up in the united states? No. I've never even been there.

Are you dreading tomorrow? Nope, I'm looking forward to it actually.

Do you call anybody ‘baby’? I call Simba "Baby Beans" lol.

If your school had a winter formal on new years, would you go? Fuck that.

Where is the fanciest place you have ever visited? I have no idea. Buckingham Palace maybe?

Who is the one person you can completely be yourself around? My husband, my parents.

Are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? Yes.

Do you know a guy that has voice cracks, but it’s cute? No.

Do you wear earrings on a normal basis? I wear them everyday. They're just part of me at this point - I don't even think about them, they're just "there".

What stereotype would people associate you with? I have no idea.

How old were you when you realized that life goes on? I mean, isn't that just something you always know?

Do you consider yourself mature? When the situation calls for it.

Are your parent’s night owls or morning birds? One of each. My dad is a lark and my mum is an owl.

Do you like to sing? I do, but I'm not very good at it.

Are there some songs that you will never understand the lyrics to? I'm sure, but none are coming to mind right now.

Do you own a lot of picture frames? I think we have about five or six.

Who is your favorite author? Neil Gaiman.

How many pillows are on your bed? I use two, and Mike has a special memory foam one that's supposed to help with his snoring. Then there's two decorative ones as well.

How is your hair right now? Damp from my shower and up in a messy bun.

Is your phone fully charged? No. The battery on it has just dropped massively recently. I'm thinking of switching to an Android when my contract is up as this is the third time this has happened on iPhone.

What’s your favorite thing about the holidays? No stressing or getting up early to work.

Are you still in school? No. I haven't been in education for 12 years now.

How many days/months until your next birthday? Three weeks.

What is your favorite type of cake? Good old fashioned Victoria Sponge with fresh cream, cheesecake (not the baked kind) or coffee and walnut cake.

How many rings do you wear on a day-to-day basis? Just two - my wedding and engagement rings.

When will you next laugh until you cry? I mean, you can't exactly plan things like that.

#survey #surveys

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songsandremembrances · 7 months

Text

Episode 2

I loved the song Zolushka (Cinderella) when I was young, and still do. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ToJwWgbHGc The first verse goes something like this:

Believe it or not, last night I dreamed that a prince came for me, riding a silver stallion. And we were greeted by dancers, a drummer, and a trumpeter, forty-eight conductors, and one grey-haired violinist.

While this vision of the king's ball doesn't exactly mesh with the Disney version, it enchanted to me as a young girl. My memories of it are all tied up with the period leading up to New Year's Eve. The Soviet Union, having outlawed all religion and religious practices, gleefully transferred all Christmas traditions to New Year's Eve. The tree, the presents, and Father Frost (Santa) were part of my childhood every December.

As Soviet citizens, our being Jewish notwithstanding, my parents bought a live tree, which we decorated with beautiful, fragile, glass ornaments

and topped with an equally lovely and fragile glass topper.

I loved, loved, loved Leningrad in December. It was magic, the way the city transformed from autumn's grey, cold, rainy dreariness to winter's frosted, glittering, jewel box! Leningrad was alive to me in December. Lights everywhere! Store windows displaying things in pretty packaging (never mind that the stores were mostly empty inside)! Oranges wrapped in shiny foil and candy in gorgeous boxes!

Leningrad's elegant bridges and buildings sparkled under the star-filled sky! Magic, I tell you.

I had no difficulty, as a child, believing in Grandfather Frost, Russia's version of Santa. He always appeared sometime during night of December 31, with his bag of gifts. No chimney climbing for Grandfather Frost, either. Leningrad's residents didn't have chimneys anyway, living as we all did, in apartments. Grandfather Frost simply appeared, though you could never see him, delivered a present for each person in the house, and disappeared. If you slept through it, you'd find your gift the morning of January 1, but if you were very lucky and allowed to stay up late, you might just hear him, and you might just get your gift earlier!

This actually happened to me one year. My parents were hosting a small gathering for friends, when suddenly there was a loud "thump" and the lights went out. When the lights came back on a few minutes later, there were presents under the tree! Of course, everyone knew exactly what had happened. Grandfather Frost had been there! I was beside myself at the idea that I had actually been awake to "witness" his visit. I have absolutely no recollection of the actual gift bestowed on my by Grandfather Frost that New Year's Eve. That wasn't the point at all.

Grandfather Frost must have really liked me. Not only did he show up the night of that party, but he actually walked right up to our apartment building one year with his daughter, the Snow Maiden. I was playing outside with a friend and saw him knocking on the door. I didn't know why he was there, and I didn't think to ask. Many years later, I found a photo of that incident. Grandfather Frost looked suspiciously like my dad in a fur-trimmed suit and a white beard, but that doesn't spoil the magic of that memory for me.

#newyearseve #magic #grandfatherfrost #leningrad #traditions #cinderella #reading #memoir #russia #music

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psychelis-new · 10 months

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Hi lys. 9, 10, 13, 14, 22, 23, 24.

Have a nice day/evening/night.

hey, thanks for sending! hope you have a wonderful day/night :)

9. What's your all time favourite movie/tv show? Honestly Idk... it's either I can't choose or I cannot remember titles now. A fav movie of mine anyway could probably be a Disney animation (very likely) like The Sword in the Stone or something like that. There are many movies I like but I cannot really choose not mention them atm sorry... oh wait Minamata. I mentioned it not long ago because I was thinking about photography so yeah. That one too was good.

10. What are you enjoying to do in your free time? These days I enjoy napping/sleeping, I'm really tired tbh. But in general I work out or draw/paint (even if lately I'm not doing the last 2 almost at all)

13. Your dream place to visit? I have a bunch of particular places I'd like to visit like Iceland (for the nature and hopefully the Northern Lights), Easter Island, Salar de Uyuni, that place in Denmark (Grenen/Skagen) where the Baltic meets the North Seas but not mix, Jindo Island, Mont Saint Michel... but ofc I'd be okay with just visiting other cities/countries.

14. Something you wish you were better at? Everything? I'm never satisfied about what I do but I'm working on that. I'm trying to be more accepting of what I do, because I always do my best even if the result is not exactly like I would want it to be (our minds just cannot consider our "humanity" at times, so we should start teaching them about it ig).

22. Best memory you could think of? I think I have already mentioned it but anyway, it's about my dog. We were in a park, he was playing with other dogs when I got thirsty so I went to a little fountain to drink. It was like a few meters away from my father (I was a kid). I didn't make 2 steps away from him that I found my dog right by my side looking up at me. So I looked back and then kept on moving towards the fountain. Once there, there were 2 cyclists that wanted to drink so I stopped moving to let them drink, but my dog (a german shepherd) started barking until they had to take their bikes and move away. At that point my dog looked at me like "didn't you want to drink?" and so I went to drink, he drank right after me, then walked me close enough to my dad and ran back to the other dogs. My dad was laughing so hard, so as the other dogs' owners. To me it was like nothing special? Idk. Oh the cyclists could go back to drink then. I want to add my dog wasn't trained, nobody could have ever succeeded in that lol (I could only teach him a few tricks but related to playing together, never orders like sit or lay... he did that only when he wanted to, otherwise he would have given you a face like "why?" and I mean he was right). He was just him, a stubborn free spirit. But he was a fast learner and a very good thinker/empath, so he just usually came up himself with such (often protective) behaviours.

23. Worst memory you can think of? I have a bunch, and they're all about (TW) losses. For example ofc my dog and grannies. Not gonna go in detail ofc, I also don't wanna trigger any of you. (/TW) A year and a half/2 years ago as well it was kinda a long bad period. But bad moments and losses are part of life, we take what's best and go on, right? :)

24. Do you have any fears? Sure, I'm plenty. As humans, we all have fears and there's nothing wrong in having them. It all depends on how we deal with them. If we let them win us over and control us, or if we try to at least have a talk with them and check if there's anything right or reasonable in what they're pointing out to us. If we're able to take ourselves by the hand and try to go on or do what we really want to despite the fear. And... especially when I'm stressed I don't like (TW)using knives or scissors or needles or anything that could potentially cut/harm me (it's ocd ig).(/TW) I also suffer a bit from vertigos but mostly there are things that make me pretty uncomfortable.

#good luck reading all this :)#.#ask game

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johnhardinsawyer · 11 months

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In a Certain Place

John Sawyer

Bedford Presbyterian Church

7 / 23 / 23 – Eighth Sunday after Pentecost / Proper 11

Genesis 28:10-22

Romans 8:12-25

“In a Certain Place”

(There Are So Many Ladders)

When my cousins and I were growing up, we would sometimes go visit our Granny and Papa in Glasgow, Kentucky for a week in the summer. One of the highlights of those summer visits was the almost yearly pilgrimage to nearby Mammoth Cave,[1] which is the largest known cave system in the world. I’ll never forget the time we went down into the dark cave with Granny as part of a large group and the park ranger told us about the difference between stalactites and stalagmites – those pointy stone formations in caves which are formed, over many years, by dripping water and mineral deposits. Stalactites hang from the ceiling of a cave. Stalagmites grow up (like little mountains) from the floor of the cave. And sometimes, in certain places, over a long time, with a lot of dripping water and minerals, a stalactite and stalagmite will grow together from floor to ceiling to meet in the middle and form a stone pillar. Of course,” the park ranger said in his best Kentucky accent, “here in Kentucky, a pillar can be a thing that holds up a ceiling or a pillar can be what you lay your head on at night.” Suddenly, a collective groan was heard in the cave from just about everyone in the tour group. The joke was just that bad.

Every time I hear the story of Jacob and the stone that he uses for a pillow out in the wilderness, I remember that park ranger and his corny, groan-worthy “Dad Joke” about the pillow that became a pillar. Now, Jacob was out in the open – not down in a cave – but he did find himself in the dark, in need of a pillow.

You might remember from last week that Jacob was kind of a sneaky fellow – especially when it came to trying to better himself within his own family. Not only has Jacob finagled his twin brother, Esau, into selling his own “eldest son birthright” for a bowl of lentil stew, but right before today’s passage, Jacob – posing as Esau – has gone to visit his father Isaac in disguise. Isaac, who has poor eyesight, is fooled by the disguise and gives Jacob the blessing, by mistake. According to tradition, the blessing that Isaac gives Jacob was the kind of thing that was only given once – no take-backs – and it was given only by someone who was close to death. In the chapter right before today’s reading, Isaac says to Esau, “Go and hunt some wild game for me and come back and cook it and bring it to me, so that I may bless you before I die.”[2] Isaac’s wife, Rebekah, hears him say this to Esau, and so she cooks up the plan with Jacob to steal the birthright blessing.

Oh, if there were such a thing as marriage and family therapy back in those days, can you imagine what those sessions would be like with this crazy family? Anyway, when Esau finds out what Jacob has done, it is clear that Jacob is going to need more than therapy if Esau gets a hold of him. Esau sets out to kill his own brother and Jacob makes a run for it. So, this is where we find Jacob in today’s story – we see a young man who is beloved by his mother, but hated by his brother and thought of with frustration by his dying father. And now Jacob is on the run, far from home, in a desolate place, all alone. . . or so he thinks.

But, as today’s story goes, when Jacob arrives at a certain place, he stops to spend the night and finds that stone to use for a pillow. Somehow, he is able to get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Maybe he’s just so tired that he could have fallen asleep anywhere. Either way, in the night he has a dream.

Now, the Bible is filled with stories of people who have dreams – from Jacob’s son, Joseph, in the Old Testament, who dreams of his older brothers bowing down to him[3] to a different person named Joseph in the New Testament, who dreams of an angel that tells him to keep Mary as his wife because the child in her womb is the Messiah.[4] We see dreams in the Book of Acts, too, and all the way through to the dream/vision of John of Patmos in the Book of Revelation. But, way back in Genesis, Jacob is the first major character in the Bible to have a significant, life-changing dream.[5]

Out in the wilderness, all by himself, Jacob dreams of a ladder that stretches all the way from heaven to the earth. In the original language, this ladder is really a stairway or a ramp, built up along a hill or mound. The root word, here, is also part of the word for “highway,” as in, “a raised [road]way or public road.”[6] In the dream, Jacob sees the angels of God ascending and descending on this holy highway. One commentator writes that when Jacob sees this in his dream, he is certain that he is “precisely at the entrance into the heavenly world.”[7] You see, in the ancient world, there was this idea that there was – or is – “a narrow place where. . . all [interaction] between earth and the upper divine world took place.”[8] Other people throughout the centuries have called this “narrow place” a “thin place” – where the line between the heavenly and the earthly is blurred. Some of you might remember that we have talked about thin places before – places where heaven and earth seem so close together that they might as well be touching. These thin places could be as different as a holy site in the Holy Land, or the island of Iona in Scotland, or the sanctuary of the church you attended as a child, or the camp where you had a spiritual awakening as a teenager, or the room where a child was born, or the grave where a loved one is buried. A thin place could also be the sound of a certain song, the taste of certain food, or the touch of a certain person.

In other words, so many places can be thin places. As the nineteenth century artist and intellectual, John Ruskin, once wrote,

This PLACE, observe; not this church; not this city; not this stone, even, which [Jacob] puts up for a memorial — the piece of flint on which his head has lain. But this place; this windy slope . . . ; this moorland hollow, torrent-bitten, snow-blighted; this any place where God lets down the ladder. And how are you to know where that will be? Or how are you to determine where it may be, but by being ready for it always?[9]

Ruskin asks something profound, here: “How are you to know where that [certain narrow, or thin place] will be – [where God will let down the ladder and where you will experience the divine]?” To which Ruskin answers his own question (which I’m paraphrasing here): “No one knows, exactly, where God will let down the ladder, so you’ve got to pay attention, you’ve got to be ready, you’ve got to (as Jesus tells us), ‘stay awake.’[10]” So many places can be thin places because God can let down the ladder – maybe so many ladders – anywhere and anytime. It would be good for us to be ready, Because, if we are paying attention, God’s ladder – God’s ramp, God’s holy highway, the thin place where God meets us and stands beside us – will catch us unaware.

Jacob – on the run, a veritable orphan from his own family – finds himself somewhere. . . a certain place. . . any place. . . and God lets down the ladder. It’s clear that Jacob isn’t quite prepared for this. When he wakes up from the dream, he says, “Surely the Lord is in this place – and I did not know it!” (28:16). To which the Lord says, “I am in this place, and don’t call me ‘Shirley.’” Just kidding – God doesn’t really say that. In truth, what the Lord says to Jacob, here, is far more important. Eugene Peterson translates it in this way:

I am God, the God of Abraham your father and the God of Isaac. I am giving the ground on which you are sleeping to you and to your descendants. Your descendants will be as the dust of the Earth; they’ll stretch from west to east and from north to south. All the families of the Earth will bless themselves in you and your descendants. Yes. I’ll stay with you, I’ll protect you wherever you go, and I’ll bring you back to this very ground. I’ll stick with you until I’ve done everything I promised.[11]

Here is Jacob – feeling all alone – and God tells Jacob that he is not all alone. God is with him. Somehow, Jacob – this finagling supplanter; who, through trickery, causes his own estrangement from his own father and brother – this orphan of his own making, on the run from his own earthly household – has been chosen by God as God’s own. “Yes, I’ll stay with you,” God says. “I’ll protect you wherever you go. . . I’ll stick with you. . .”

This is the message that the Apostle Paul offers to us in today’s first reading from the Letter to the Romans. Somehow – even though we human beings always fall short of God’s high and holy expectations: we are tricky, and sinful, and usually on the run from one thing or another. And yet, God still seeks us out, finds us, and chooses us. The phrase that Paul uses, here, is that “we have received a spirit of adoption.” (Romans 8:15). In the original language, there is this sense of being adopted by God as becoming a “secure child”[12] of God. There is no orphanage or foster care system and the uncertainty that can come with those things. There is only the sure and gracious choice and secure love of God. “I choose you,” God tells Jacob – God tells us. “You belong to me and I will take care of you. I have a new and different future prepared for you. All will be well.”

Of course, as Paul writes, all of creation is groaning for this new and different future – because we have not necessarily seen it yet. The world is still filled with troubles and the future can be tinged with so much worry and fear – with wars and rumors of wars, the climate crisis, and so many other things. All of creation groans, not because of some bad joke – but groans real groans, because we are longing for something different – a different life, a different path, a different future from what we can see with our own eyes. And yet, as Paul writes – even though we may be groaning inwardly while we wait to know the fullness of what God’s adoption means, we still have hope. At least that’s the idea of what faith is all about.

I’m willing to guess that most of us have not had the benefit of a dream like Jacob’s or a Paul on the Damascus Road moment, but this doesn’t mean that we haven’t encountered a few of God’s ladders – thin places – where heaven is glimpsed, however briefly, on earth. . . When this happens, we might just find ourselves saying with wonder, “I had no idea that God could be here, in this place. . . with me!” Sometimes, a brief and precious glimpse of heaven here on earth – inspired by the Holy Spirit – is the only thing that gives us hope. And sometimes – with enough glimpses coming in fits and starts and so many drops of grace over time, the Holy Spirit forms something permanent in our hearts and souls – a pillar of memory and hope and faith.

Whether we know it or not, we live in a world full of places that have been certain holy places for so many people. Jacob catches a glimpse of heaven and he takes his pillow and sets it up as a pillar, so that people will know that God was – and is – in that certain place. Whether we know it or not, we live – surrounded by many such pillars. . . so many certain places where God has let down so many ladders. Who knows where and when the next one will be?

May God find us ready to see and know the Holy in our midst. May the knowledge of God’s great love and Holy adoption fill us with hope and faith, granting us confidence for whatever the future holds. We have a God who sticks with us, no matter what. We are never alone.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

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[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mammoth_Cave_National_Park.

[2] Genesis 27:2-4 – Paraphrased, JHS.

[3] See Genesis 37.

[4] See Matthew 1:20.

[5] Aside from a fellow named King Abimelech in Genesis 20, who is warned in a dream not to take Sarah as a wife (because Sarah was already married to Abraham).

[6] F. Brown, S. Driver, C. Briggs, The Brown-Driver-Briggs Hebrew and English Lexicon (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1997) 700.

[7] Gerhard Von Rad, Genesis: A Commentary (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1961) 284.

[8] Gerhard Von Rad, 284.

[9] https://victorianweb.org/authors/ruskin/trujillo11.html.

[10] See Mark 13:33-37 and Matthew 26:41-42.

[11] Eugene Peterson, The Message: Numbered Edition (Colorado Springs: NAV Press, 2002) 50. Genesis 28:13-15.

[12] Walter Bauer, A Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament and Other Early Christian Literature (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1979) 833 and 359. υἱοθεσία as a combination of υἱοσ (son/child, 833) and θεσία (secure, 359).

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louisloulouie · 1 year

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Just getting stuff off my chest, don’t mind me ☠️

As someone who’s entire life has been family oriented, I feel like my family life is in shambles.

I used to go to my home country at least once a year to see all of my family. Ever since I was 9 years old, I would go for EVERY Christmas, and sometimes I’d go in the summer too. I’d see all my aunts and uncles and grandparents and my 50+ cousins.

Over the past few years, they’ve all left the country because it’s so dangerous, and now they’re spread over dozens of countries all over the world and we no longer celebrate holidays together. Everyone used to live in the same neighborhood, they were all literally a one minute walk away, and now they don’t even all live in the same hemisphere. Now it’s feuds upon feuds, and relationships torn to shreds, and drama surfacing, and betrayals, and arguments about property and inheritance in our home country.

After that, I would go just to visit my grandma because she was the only family I had left there. Stupid fucking covid made me not see her for Christmas 2020 or 2021. I went two years without seeing her for the first time in my life since I was a child. Last year she passed away and going to her funeral is probably the last time I will ever visit my home country again. After January 2020, the only time I saw her was on her death bed and she didn’t even know I was there. And all her death led to was more arguments and inheritance fights. A death has never affected me the way hers has, and I have thought about her every. Single. Day. I have never cried over someone’s death so much or for so many days, or have it still make me cry over a year later. And it’s so hard to think about never seeing her again.

My brother and his family moving in with me and my parents has been the MOST stressful part of my life, but now they’re planning to move across the country to the west coast and I feel like I’ll never see my little nieces again. Which I know is irrational, but I have seen these girls every single day of their lives since they were born, and thinking about spending months away from them is awful. I can’t bare the thought of missing them grow up, of missing milestones, of playing and reading with them. I dreamed about being the aunt that would drop them off and pick them up from school every day while their parents worked. Of taking them to movies and concerts and anything that their parents might not have time to do with them.

I just wanted them to move to a different house or another New England state, but now they’re going to the complete opposite coast and I’m going to have to take a plane and vacation time to see them, instead of just having them a car ride away.

My parents have been discussing retiring in two years and moving back to our home country. And despite my grandma’s death making me think I’d never visit the country again, sure I could do it now to visit my parents. But I’ve lived with them my whole life and unfortunately I’ve been incredibles babied by them. I spend more time with them than my friends. I plan AROUND the weekends for friends because that’s the time my dad and I can hang out. And the thought of living alone is so terrifying.

Anyways it doesn’t help that I just found out two weeks ago that the one brother who might stay in New England with me is actually my half brother. It doesn’t change anything and I don’t feel any different, but it’s still weird to think about. Just another thing to add to my family life.

Idk, it just feels like every single aspect of my family is falling apart when we all used to be so tight-knit.

#I just like writing my feelings out #and luckily I don’t mind anyone on tumblr reading them! what a win!

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khodorkovskaya · 1 year

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11.02.23

im finally done with exams and we have so many exciting things coming up i can't wait!!! the biggest one is the fashion show ahhh im so excited! this is like a childhood dream come true!

im trying not to be super nostalgic with this weather bc it's getting warmer and the sun is out and the birds are singing. and this time last year B and i went to our annual trip to the mountains. it's weird how many things have changed since.

i was thinking about my step-cousin a lot lately for some reason. the reason i call her my "step-cousin" is bc she's the daughter of my auntie's husband from his first marriage and i didn't grow up with her so she doesn't really feel like family. ive only seen her twice irl i think and both those times were weird. anyway let's call her anya for the sake of this story.

so i first heard about anya when my aunty had just gotten married. i went to visit my auntie and my grandparents in russia and everyone kept talking about her and comparing the two of us because we were the same age. anya was learning chinese at her school and would often go to china as a part of some student exchange programs. she was also into photography and art. and she was super pretty! i remember looking at photos of her at my aunty's wedding with my grandmother and being blown away by how mature she looked. at 14 i was awkwardly going through puberty, trying to come to terms with my changing body, stuck between looking like an overgrown child and a clumsy teen. and anya already looked like a flawless young adult with her perfectly straight and glossy dark hair and huge and striking blue eyes, full lips, elegant dress and, the thing that stood out to me the most, 10cm platform heels. anya was very short, my grandmother explained.

but the most important thing about anya was how she handled her parents' separation and her dad's remarriage. she really made the most of it! she would tell her mum that she was at her dad's and vice versa and go to a party instead. or she would ask one parent for pocket money, saying the other didn't give her anything and get away with twice the amount of pocket money. and she got along perfectly fine with my aunty, her dad's new wife. they would often travel together and my aunty even offered her a summer internship at the company she worked at. she joked about anya taking long coffee breaks in the middle of work at the office. meanwhile i felt like i looked and acted so much like a child that no serious office would accept to have me as an intern at that age.

that summer when i was visiting my grandparents i had been struggling to act normal with my dad's new wife, as she had done so many terrible things to my mum and still couldn't stop herself from attacking her at any given opportunity. and i would cry a lot and wish i could be normal like anya and laugh about my parents' separation, instead of making it worse for everyone around me. my grandmother would come up to me whenever id frown at my stepmum again and say "hey, look at anya! she's in the same situation as you, you guys are the same age. but she laughs it off and understands what's important. look, she's best friends with your auntie now and im sure you can get along with your stepmum too!".

and so i grew to resent anya. how could she be so perfect? a straight A student who studies chinese, a perfect daughter who doesn't let her feelings get the best of her, a fun teen who sneaks out to go to parties, a responsible intern at a corporate office... i couldn't stand the idea of anya and how all everyone in the family wanted to do was compare us. and that was until i finally met her!

when anya came to visit my grandparents while i was staying over she struck me as someone who went through life so easily. i think i mentioned it a couple of times on this blog before, but im so fascinated by people who take things so lightly and go through life without much effort. anya was one of those people. the reason she studied chinese for example was because there was a chinese school right next to her house so it was just a coincidence. the reason why she got to go to china with the exchange program was an accident too, she explained. they had a last minute interview in front of the jury who would decide who got to go on the trip and, even though she hadn't studied a lot, they liked her the best. same with the summer internship. she got chosen for some reason and didn't feel like she was super special or talented, she assured me. her whole life seemed to be explained by the fact that she had certain opportunities presented to her and she accepted them all without giving it much thought. just like in her parents' divorce she could pick and choose what she wanted and all scenarios had positive outcomes anyway.

and yet, i don't think i would describe anya as an opportunist. back when we were 14 she was definitely a lot smarter and more mature than me and it was very visible by how our family members would treat us. she would so effortlessly join the conversation at the table or volunteer to help with the cooking, in a way i couldn't imagine doing myself without feeling extremely awkward. i would be laughing about some silly inside jokes with my 10 year old cousin, meanwhile anya would be helping bottle-feed my aunty's newborn baby with such care and patience as if she herself were the baby's mother. i simply didn't have what she did.

the second time i met anya was when we were 17. now i was the rebellious teen who snuck out to parties, got along well enough with my stepmum and did volunteer work. i was staying with my grandmother's and my auntie suggested anya and i go to this party she got invited to. my auntie always got free entrances to lots of parties thanks to her job, but rarely went. so she transferred the invites to us.

i hadn't packed any party appropriate outfits for my trip, so i had to improvise. i found my auntie's old dress at my grandma's, put on some of her jewellery and the shoes... well. i only had my snowboots. anya called me to ask what i was wearing. "a dress? a little heel maybe?" she asked me. "i can't decide if i wanna wear wedges or stilettos," she said.

i don't remember what the party was like. i just remember anya and i going from table to table and downing left over wine glasses. she offered me a cigarette and it was the first time ive ever smoked one. she vaguely told me about school and studying chinese and how she didn't study much and magically got good grades. then she called us an uber and we went around the parking lot, knocking on the windows of every single car, trying to figure out which one was the uber.

later that year i saw that she got into the best university in the country. i laughed to myself, thinking that it was probably another accident or coincidence and pure luck, as she would explain it. and three years later graduated with a first. she then got a job at nestle and now she's head of marketing at another big company. when i went to visit my auntie last year she told me that anya has a boyfriend now who's a nepobaby and whose dad gave him a job at a major oil company and a flat in central moscow where they now live.

in september i saw that she was posting that they wanted to rent out their flat on instagram. then she was posting from the airport with three huge suitcases. i thought that maybe she was leaving russia for good as some people had done because of umm the elephant in the room. i had never thought about her as someone who'd be politically involved and the idea of her perhaps leaving the country in sign of protest and leaving behind her perfect job and central flat appeared admirable. but it turned out that the two of them just relocated to bali and continued working from there, while renting out their flat in moscow.

and i don't know, maybe her life does have its flaws and i shouldn't compare us. im doing my own thing, preparing the fashion show and working on a bunch of cool projects. but seeing anya's instagram stories of her cuddling with her scrawny and nerdy-looking blonde boyfriend on the beach in bali by the beautiful sunset really made my inner insecure 14 year old jump out.

#february

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toadkisses · 2 years

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alistairs years in review part three

alistair is continuing his public journaling; the gist is i am writing down a summary of the life events that have gone on in the past two years or so, since i used to lifepost a lot more on here. its been nice reflecting especially since i can see a bend up ahead where my life will change again somehow.

this entry will be about the medical adventures ive been on including misdiagnosed diabetes and hrt stories.

part one about dog grooming school / part two about meeting my wife

this will contain discussion of eating disorders, suicide, and medical stuff! be warned :K oh and me coming out to my family

i dont have a clear "where we left off" point like i did last time! the beginning of this saga is in july or august of 2021. rose and i had been dating for a few months but already called each other our wife. i begin working in a corporate dog grooming salon, and i like it well enough; my manager can be taxing at times but i get along well with my coworkers.

i came out to my parents as trans right before starting the job, and it didnt go as badly as it does for some people but didnt go as well as i dreamed?

it was impulsive. i told my mom i was trans, and i thought things were maybe okay? rose was there, my mom and i cried a lot, and my mom told me i had to be in charge of my dad.

i felt sick to my stomach because coming out was the first thing i could remember doing entirely for myself and my comfort without prioritizing other people. rose and i went and got food so i could collect myself some.

after getting home, i was asked to come talk to both my parents. it felt more standoffish? like i was in trouble? i told my dad and said i would answer any questions they had. and my mom was kind of weird like "thats a big thing to just toss out here" and i was like "well i feel really really really bad making problems like this" and she said that i wasnt making problems but i also didnt get like "you have trusted us with this information we love you"

i actually had an appointment with my shrink the next day and my mom came with, where doctor confirmed gender stuff is something ive been talking about for years and its not just out of nowhere. and i cried a lot about how bad i felt for having to come out and how i was worried about disappointing my parents etc etc

and i think for a little bit it helped, like i was able to be in the same room as my parents without wanting to run but we had a meeting all three of us that i dont remember a lot of besides my dad accidentally saying im not a boy and my therapist exclusively using she and birthname for me. i didnt feel like i had anyone on my side and i remember thinking about trying to find somewhere to crash until i could get an apartment because i was so upset. which i didnt do because it wasnt economically feasible haha. but yeah it went really poorly and i refused to tell them my preferred name because i was so hurt. i actually never told them! they know it from like mail i got but we have not had the conversation.

i actually went back to my shrink a while later and she lead with the amazing blunder of "yeah, when we finished up last time i was worried 'i wonder if shes never coming back'. oh, oops, ali im so sorry" like GIRL you REALLY fumbled this one right out the gate

anyway i did tell my mom i was going to look into getting hrt but besides that we have had very few conversations about Alistair Gender. things are normal, im able to be around them which is good because i live here, they try not to call me overtly feminine things? we still do activities like we did before. it was sweet that apparently they had a conversation about shutting down any possible trans jokes their friends might make when we went to visit them (to clarify NOT jokes at my expense, they dont know and would be very abashed if they did happen to make one at my expense, they were preparing in case the topic came up in abstract and someone cracked a joke, that they would make clear they dont approve of being a jackass about it. end clarification)

a year later uhhhhh coming out is still defined by regret but different than it used to be? like instead of my previous "why did i do this i feel so bad for making a fuss about myself", now i wish i hadnt come out because i was and am happy with the family dynamics we have, and realized that like its not disingenuous for me to be different people for different people? like of course my mom interacts with and experiences and perceives me differently than my brother or my girlfriend does, but the person they all know is still me? and i feel bad because i put my mom in a difficult position because she didnt want to out me by talking to her friends about this big emotional event, so she was left to deal with it on her own. and maybe ill feel differently someday but its how i feel now which i guess is why its good to journal it. in summation i feel like suffering for everyone could have been avoided if i had realized coming out isnt mandatory.

i need to tell them all this still and who knows when that will happen haha. especially since, after taking testosterone for 9 months, i feel like WAY more comfortable in my skin and have no desire to tell any other family members or coworkers about gender stuff, because it doesnt make me uncomfortable to be seen as a woman. ive actually been wondering if 14 year old alistair was right all along and im just a transmasc lesbian? food for thought. not what this post is about.

anyway. BACKGROUND INFORMATION DONE GOD THIS IS GONNA BE SO LONG.

i went to an informed consent clinic and the doctor is super cool, like him a lot. they took bloods from me. my blood glucose was high but i had eaten like right before.

next appointment. i get the prescription for testosterone but they took another non fasting glucose and it was still higher than normal, so they draw blood to check my A1C. i also didnt really uh get taught how to do my injections? because my doctor told a nurse "he needs his flu shot and instructions on how to do his injections", and she uh. just assumed that i could not be the aforementioned "he". so i was checking out and said like "nobody told me how to do injections", the receptionist calls my doctor over like "nobody told her how to do her injections", he tracks down a different nurse who spends 60 seconds with me and tells me to watch a youtube video. it is worth noting that this IS specifically a pride clinic that advertises itself as such? spoiler alert i did wind up filing a formal complaint like "i understand why im getting misgendered, but im worried about how it might impact the wrong patient and it DID impact my quality of care" after i had a prescription issue and they were like "she needs her testosterone filled"

i got my A1C results back and it was a 7, which put me past prediabetes and in the diabetic range. i was leaving on a trip to visit friends in texas in like two days, and the only medical person who could see me to tell me what everything meant was a nurse practitioner.

it was a really dreadful experience ;_; she told me to cut out soda and desserts, watch what i eat, and theyd retest my A1C in three months to see if i was still elevated. and i told her i dont do soda or desserts, and that i was worried about really closely monitoring my food, (specifically checking nutritional labels and calorie counting), because of my history with restrictive eating and purging. and i asked if she had any advice on how to avoid a relapse like that and she honest to god told me "dont look at that part of the label"

i also asked if i should get my thyroid checked because i was already following all the diet rules they recommended, was active at my job, and had no family history of diabetes. BUT I DO HAVE A FAMILY HISTORY OF THYROID DISORDERS. and she was like "yeah sometimes it just happens. probably dont need to check those"

to add insult to injury the trip to texas was stupendously awful and i am not friends with them anymore!

i had my first testosterone shot on september 20th 2021. it was really cool.

when i got home from our trip, i stopped eating bread, pasta, rice, milk, and anything sweet, since i was told "carbs bad" but not given any guidance beyond that? so i stuck to a diet of like. salad with olive. chicken and beef. cheese sometimes. beans. maybe an apple BUT NOT TOO MUCH FRUIT THATS SUGAR.

i saw an endocrinologist in january, and my A1C had dropped into prediabetic range. she referred me to a dietician since i told her unfortunately she also said i should write down "i hate ice cream" whenever i craved it, which. wasnt great for my eating disorder brain. she also took me off my antidepressants because some of them can cause insulin resistance. this was really unfortunate because come to find out, mine is not one of those.

after three weeks of awful antidepressant withdrawal symptoms, i saw the dietician. and like i feel bad being like "these people didnt help me" because they were all really pleasant but God it was not helpful to be given a mass produced booklet about how to lose weight and fix your bloods, when i was already following a more restrictive diet than they recommended and at a bmi they liked. and i told her going in like "I HAVE AN EATING DISORDER, IM WORRIED THIS WILL MAKE ME RELAPSE" and she still gave me the calorie counts. ;_;

the next day at work i think i honestly had a mental breakdown? i still groomed all my dogs but i was openly crying while i was doing it, my coworkers were really worried. i was the most suicidal ive been in years. i didnt see why i should continue to live if i had to work at a very stressful job, get yelled at by customers every day (you know how retail is), not get paid enough to live independently, and track what i ate every day while fighting a relapse. i wasnt even ABLE to take a lunch most days because my manager had the habit of overbooking us.

i narrowly avoided being taken to the ER. my Big Manager was actually really cool about me taking a few days off until i could see my shrink for Emergency Appointment Alistair Is In Crisis. i was at home for a couple days.

then a very close friend attempted suicide and eventually passed. i dont feel comfortable giving more detail than that because he was a fairly private person.

i resigned from my job. i lost 20 pounds because i stopped eating. i stopped seeing my shrink. longtime alistair fans may remember that puberty really fucked up my mental health, so out of desperation, i stopped taking my testosterone in hopes that i might get ANY amount of relief. and it did take me from "lying in bed trying to figure out how to kill myself without destroying my girlfriend and family" to "hoping i get killed in a freak accident". i was also able to start eating a bit more regularly, and i wasnt restricting any specific foods.

three months post-breakdown i was finally able to see a nurse practitioner to see what antidepressant i could take without messing up my sugars. turns out the antidepressant i could take was the one i HAD BEEN ON. so started that back up. nurse was really great, she was interested in having my thyroid checked as well as my A1C. and it turned out my A1C was back in normal range, but my thyroid stuff was abnormal and likely causing the blood sugar issues! fuck me running! and i did confirm with hrt doc that testosterone wouldnt make those abnormal, if anything it would just make t less effective.

still figuring out what to do about thyroid stuff but cool to know we could have maybe avoided a lot of this food suffering if theyd agreed to test my thyroid when i asked.

i dont seriously consider killing myself anymore! which is great! and while i still monitor what im eating and my weight, i DO eat three meals a day again and have stopped losing weight.

ive regressed in a lot of ways though. like im a good driver, i drove 3000 miles to texas and back without incident, ive navigated chicago traffic, i know what im doing. but even driving to the store is paralyzing, i have anxiety attacks trying to drive through town. talking on the phone is hard again. i have a lot of difficulty being around strangers, and being in public drains me very quickly. im always expecting someone to yell at me. the nurse who prescribed me my stuff referred me to a therapist for ptsd, but he kind of told me to go see my old shrink since ive been seeing her since i was like 14 haha.

i did go see her last month and was able to reorient some goals, what i think has been working for me vs not, etc. and i actually feel optimistic that working with her will go well? she wants me to add an anti anxiety med which i am PRAYING will help

onto more positive things. testosterone was really cool. bottom growth happened like within the first few days, which i was pumped about. my voice dropped, its not super deep but its a noticeable change. i really liked the new body hair but a lot of it went away when i had to stop :-(

like its weird the only lasting changes have been voice and bottom growth, but i feel so much more confident and happy body wise (editors note that my eating disorder stuff has always been more linked to control than physical appearance, this isnt a contradiction)

ummmmmmmmm i feel like we're caught up on my major life events. going forward...

get anxiety drug

contact job counseling

biggest stressor these days is needing a job but still being fucked up brain. im looking for help there. lets see if i find it! life goes on forever and ever and ever though. eventually something will happen. hopefully it will be good! it could be bad. but bad things keep happening and i keep living through them to new things. so i guess it has to be okay because it will be given enough time. ta-da!

#alistair talking post #god this is long #again ftr nobody has to read all this #youre allowed to! but i do it mostly for nostalgia and self reflection #not proofread ive been writing for forever

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