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lets-get-kraken-boys · 4 years

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MHA Headcanon: Being Apart of Both The Baku + Deku Squads

(Description: Wow! I’m so happy with the amount of praise my FatGum fic has gotten! I cannot thank you guys enough for over 100 likes/reblogs, you all mean the world to me. This idea struck me in the dead of the night and I just had to write it down. Love you!)

Requester: No One!

Reader Gender: Gender Neutral (They/Them)

Style of Story: Headcanon(s) // Just some funny ideas I had. Nothing extremely romantic about this one, unless you count Denki’s insatiable flirting attempts as romance!

Word Count: 2.7K Words

WARNING(s): None, just a few cuss words here and there.

DekuSquad

Meeting

You were more than likely an OG of this group (with Deku, Uraraka, and Iida alongside you) and became fast friends on the first day of school together

You went to class early on the first day at UA (which was unusual for you since sleep is high on your priority list), but you wanted to make a good impression on the staff and meet potential new friends or allies in your career

You got there before most, sat in your designated seat, and people watched the unfamiliar faces in the classroom, trying to get a feel of the energy the kids presented. Not long after you sat down did a scene already break out between a stiff, but kind-looking bluenette who shouted orders at an aggressive blonde with spiky hair. They bickered for a bit, it was eventually calmed down by the teacher, but you noticed a few people at the doorway having a conversation

A brown haired girl and a green haired boy who looked like he was about to die from blushing too hard were standing near the door with the bluenette from earlier. They were all smiling so wide and all had such different personalities that it made you smile, deciphering in your head that there was no way you were leaving this school today without saying ‘hi’ them

Eventually, over the course of the school day (before the whole incident with the fake expulsion) you introduced yourself to the three, and you being the sweet cutie you are, were quickly accepted into the trio as one of them

And the rest is pretty much history! All of you became besties from that point on, dragging Tsu, Momo, and a reluctant Todoroki (at first) into the whirlwind that is your friend group!

What Do They Think Of You Personally

Deku: You’re one of his best friends, he can trust you with pretty much anything. He even considers telling you about One For All once, but sadly that is too big of a secret to tell (for now), but he’ll tell you basically anything else! Learning about your quirk, your goals and dreams, and just plain talking with you always puts him at ease. You help him with his life problems and stressors, even when he’s mumbling away and overthinking you give him a moment to let him get all of his thoughts out instead of interrupting him. He hopes to be heroes with you to the very end, never forget that!

Uraraka: She absolutely adores you! Smart, funny, sweet, you’re the whole package. You’re trustworthy and the drive you have in life keeps her motivated to be a hero with you. You help each other out, she values this friendship more than some others. She feels she can go to you for anything, she only hopes that you feel the same way with her because she has no doubt in her mind that she will go to hell and back for you.

Iida: For awhile he didn’t understand why Midoriya and Uraraka liked you so much. Don’t get me wrong, he found you fun to hang out with and nice, but he never really saw why they blindly trusted you. That is, until you came to visit Izuku, Shoto, and him in the hospital the weekend after the Hosu/Stain (but you don’t know about the villain) incident. You wished for them to get better, gave each of them a handwritten card and baked goods before leaving to get back to UA, parting with a wide smile and hugs for them all. He finally fully sees your kind nature and the open honesty you give to everyone, and is ready to be a hero with you for as long as you deem necessary. The kindness you gave him that day affected him more than you will ever know, as you helped him see past his plot of revenge and strive to be a hero not to hurt others but to change the world so tragedies like this never happen again.

Tsu: She noticed early on how you always brighten a room whenever you’re there, so she (along with many others) were drawn to that warmth. She appreciates your understanding and forgiving attitude, she feels like she doesn’t have to hide or be ashamed of who she is around you. The USJ incident really made her think about how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away, so she is grateful that someone as generous as you decided to be friends with her and the rest of the DekuSquad.

Todoroki: Apprehensive of you at first (like he was with everyone), but after you showed your loyalty and dedication to not your work but your friendships, he wants to get to know you better. It’ll take awhile to get past his cold exterior, but if you stay he’ll consider you one of his greatest allies. Plus, you can teach him how to open up to others and learn to love again, who wouldn’t want to help Shoto?

Momo: She knows she’s smart so she’s more than happy to help you with school work (if you need it, that is). The first time she knew she could fully trust you is when Mineta was perving about her hero uniform and tried to inappropriately touch her, but you grabbed and punted him at least 50 yards into the distance while screaming, “Women's rights, perv!” and ever since that day you’ve been her knight in shining armour. She always thinks about inviting you as her guest first when she has to attend fancy dinners/parties with her parents. She appreciates all your help with protecting her and the other girls in Class 1-A, but also a great friend. If you ever need anything, she’ll be there first to help!

Hanging Out / Having Fun / Random Things

Group. Study. SESSIONS! Seriously. You have some of the smartest people in Class 1-A in the DekuSquad with you, if you don't use that knowledge to your benefit, I’ma slap you. They’re always willing to help one another out, no matter how immense the problem.

Mario Kart, Apples to Apples, even Hide-And-Seek (in and outside the dorms), everything is on the table for Group Game Night (and, yes, Group Game Night is a weekly event)

You train with Deku, Todoroki, and even Uraraka sometimes on the weekends and HOE BOI, you haven’t felt true envy until you jokingly test to see if a cutsie green-haired 16 year old can bench your entire body and feel your soul die as he actually lifts you up and over his head with ease

Your noodle arms could never. You just want to be sTRONG!!! (I feel that)

You cannot make a self deprecating joke in front of them. Ever. Even if you THINK about making one, you will be sat down on a comfy chair, given a glass of milk and a cookie, and counseled on your emotions and well being until the dorm’s curfew

They just love and care about you. Why can’t you see yourself the way they do? (K, I made myself cry with that one.)

Anyways, it’s wholesome, cinnamon roll energy 24/7. Finally, the serotonin we all need.

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BakuSquad

Meeting

You’re a little late getting into the BakuSquad, but you get there eventually!

You, Mina, and Kirishima are paired up for a group project in the middle of the year. Sad that you can’t be with your normal friend group in this project, you try to look on the bright side and enjoy their company.

You three end up having way too much fun. Opting to, instead of doing the homework, end up playing video games with Kirishima, Mina, and a flirty blonde named Kaminari, hanging upside down on the ceiling with the smiley blacknette, Sero, pretending to be “Spiderman” while relaxing with the spunky Jiro, and eventually getting caught by the angry blonde from the first day of school named Bakugou, who forces the three of you to sit down and finally get the work done before it was too late, but even that was fun!

Later that weekend, you all plan to meet up at the mall (Bakugou being dragged along by Kirishima) and hang. You ended up running around the different floors laughing like maniacs, getting way too many sugar highs from eating too much candy, somehow end up in a Taco Bell parking lot at 1AM screaming “Bohemian Rhapsody” to the moon while drinking Baja Blasts together, and having to sneak back into the dorms carrying a derpy Kaminari carefully inside because he blew out his power trying to impress you with a flirty pickup line.

You stumbled into your dorm after hearing a quick, “Night, (Y/N)!” from Kirishima since he had kindly walked you to your room to make sure you got back okay, and took a deep breath in while leaning against the door. You walked to your bathroom mirror and looked at your frizzled hair, colorful stained lips from the candy you’d eaten, the empty Baja Blast cup in your hand that you had used as a microphone, and smiled. You have got to stay friends with these idiots.

And that you did, the crazy BakuSquad has a new member!

What Do They Think Of You Personally

Bakugou: I’ll just say this, it takes guts to befriend a person like him, and he knows it, so he pretends to hate you and your determination to stay by his side (as he does with most people) for the LONGEST time. It takes him years to show you his softer sides, but when he does break down those barriers for you it’s well worth the wait. After that, he trusts you with his life, and him with yours. He hates to admit it because he has seen the crazy in you around the others, but you are caring and would take all the time in the world to listen to his or anyone else's problems. He knows you’ve seen the tough things in life and he respects you for it. You’ll be a strong hero, just not better than him!

Kirishima: Honestly after meeting the BakuSquad and now you, his self esteem has never been higher! He was struggling for the longest time with self doubt but after befriending all of you he knows that he finally has a place in this world and people who care about him for more than his quirk. You give him an even bigger reason to keep striving to be a hero, if he can meet amazing people like you in his career path then he never wants to leave. He sees that project as one of the best things that has ever come out of school!

Denki: Definitely tries (and fails miserably) to score a date with you an ungodly amount of times. He can’t help it, you’re so pretty and nice and if you were his significant other he’d be over the moon. If you’re not comfortable with his flirting, he will eventually lay off, but that won’t stop him from daydreaming of being with you. Fate or not, meeting you feels like a dream, and with you being kind to literally everyone around you, it would have been impossible for him to resist being friends with you either way. He loves you and admires your strength as a hero, you’re both gonna go far together.

Mina: She feels that getting paired together for that project was destiny in the works! You make everyone so happy and she feels blessed that she can help you learn how to let loose and go with the flow. You two have an infinite amount of gossip supply, the tea is never not hot or empty. You both have some righteous dirt (but you’re both nice enough to not cause chaos within UA, so it stays on the ground).

Sero: The life the BakuSquad gained from you joining is indescribable. You are like the cool parental figure who turned into a thrill junkie, and seeing that transformation was absolutely hilarious. He enjoys your company, where the room can be filled with noise or dead silent but still be comfortable, he lives to find those people. Plus, being non-judgmental means that he’ll open up to you about more than what others see. 10/10, you two vibe together.

Jiro: Best buddies. You fight alongside her in defending the women of UA from pervs, so that is already a huge gain. She loves sharing her music taste with you and you with her, you’ve opened up her tastes far more than she ever imagined (because of you she listens to the catcher pop songs more now than just straight punk 24/7, good for you!) Your opinion is one of the few she won’t brush off, so she’ll listen to what you have to say too.

Hanging Out / Having Fun / Random Things

The chaotic, feral energy you guys have is something else, my dude. Just thinking about it gives me shivers (I pray for Aizawa sometimes).

Intense battles of Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, Just Dance, and Cards Against Humanity every weekend (Bakugou always wins because he gets all the nastiest/funniest cards)

Who you are with the DekuSquad (calm, careful, collected) gets YEETED away when the BakuSquad comes into play. You go batshit, and it feels good! Like, you’re still kind and caring, but you add a dash of crazy in there when Kaminari starts bumping the Crazy Frog song, so you finally decide it’s okay to let loose with them. It’s a full on identity crisis if I’ve ever seen one.

But don’t be mistaken, if ever someone in the squad needs help or is hurt in any way, you’re all over it. You’ll counsel, hug, and/or kill whoever you need to make sure your friends are okay (and vice-versa with everyone else too)

You sometimes train with Bakugou and Kirishima after school. It’s tough, so you don’t do it often, but when you do you never leave feeling you could have put in more effort. Bakugou’s taunts and Kiri’s encouraging words always compel you to give more and more, to the point of you feeling like passing out at the end.

Weird side note: Bakugou’s parents love all of you like you’re their own kids??? IDK why, but I have a feeling if he ever brought the BakuSquad (+ you) home to hang and meet his parents, they would fall in love and adopt you guys faster than Katsuki can say “DIEEE!”

~ ~

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~ ~

Both Groups Together

What Do They Think Of You Being In Both Groups

DekuSquad: They don’t care at all. You’re allowed to be friends with whoever you want. True, they’ll be sad when they make plans together but you can’t make it because you’ve already planned to hang with the BakuSquad and get nervous when they see your Snapchat story update that Denki got himself stuck in a trashcan trying to impress you, but that’s okay! They’ll just let you know if anything important or hilarious happens when you're gone! All in all, it’s great.

BakuSquad: They pretty much feel the same as the DekuSquad, who are they to choose who you associate yourself with, but Bakugou is still pissed to this day that you cannot/will not pick a “side”. He honestly sees it as a test, if he can make you officially be in the BakuSquad and not hang out with those “extras” anymore, then he beats Deku in yet another thing. He’ll eventually come to terms with the fact that your friendships and feelings aren’t a game, but he’ll still keep it a personal goal to try and make his group more enjoyable to be around so you potentially be on only his side. The rest of them don’t view you as property to be owned, your life is your life!

Both Hanging Out: Getting Bakugou to chill with “losers” who aren’t his own team is extremely difficult. He doesn’t play nice with others, even sometimes his own squad! But everyone else enjoys the opposite squad’s vibe, so if you guys wanted to have a group movie night or just a massive hang out, everyone would be down! Get ready for countless nights of gossiping with the girls and playing pranks on other students with the boys (and maybe running away from a furious Aizawa)!

~ THE END! ~

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funkymbtifiction · 4 years

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Hi, bothering you a third time (last one was here), thinking about what you said about how the Heart type lies to us, and the disparity between how we prefer to think of our own motivations and our actual motivations? We all lie to ourselves, all the time. I read about the Six tendency to blame others and feel intense anxiety because no one likes people who blame other people; I might secretly blame other people, but I will never, ever admit that (except here, with a pseudonym!) - because if I admit to blaming other people, then they won’t like me. If anything goes wrong, I always insist that it is completely my fault (even if it’s clearly not) - because I would much rather take the blame than risk making people dislike me. I often want to complain or vent, but I don’t, because I know people won’t like me if I do (and also - more importantly! - because complaining and venting brings everyone down and stresses everyone out, and I don’t want to do that). I often hide my true opinions and say things I don’t actually believe; I try to never, ever admit to any critical or judgmental or negative opinions of anyone.

I have to ask your something: are you enjoying being this way? Frankly, being so neurotically obsessed with making everyone like you all the time and offending no one (in essence, repressing all your opinions and personality quirks, and everything that makes you uniquely YOU in a conversation)… sounds like hell. Also, have people TOLD YOU they won’t like you if you vent or complain? Because… most people vent and complain. It’s how people deal with their anger and frustration. Do your friends do the same for you, in that they tiptoe around you and your views (the few they know about ;) and never complain to you and never vent to you or use you as a sounding board? What is the quality of a relationship that is so conflict-avoiding? It’s… superficial, because it’s a lie.

True friends know you’re not perfect and need to vent. True friends will allow you to hold opinions separate from theirs without being offended or writing you off for it. True friends will be there for you when you need them and expect you to do the same. True friends want you to be yourself around them, and not feel like you have to watch everything you say all weekend long just to avoid tripping an invisible wire somewhere that will cause everyone to run away from you.

Do you want to live this way for the rest of your life? Or at some point is it going to be too much to handle and cause an epic implosion of Self? Truth is, some people aren’t going to like you or your opinions. Others will. The only way to find out is to … say what you think. Talk about what’s hard in your life. And find out who is a “I don’t want to share any of your bad times with you” friend (superficial) and the “hold my beer, bystander, I’m going to bat for my friend” friend.

To be honest, your opening paragraph sounds more 9 than 6. Certainly, both of them together. 9s are pathologically afraid of separation and so repress themselves severely to avoid offending people or giving them a reason to walk away from them. 6s are more critical, inclined to complain, and quarrelsome, since there’s such a strong push and pull with authority.

The only time I’m willing to risk making people dislike me is if there is a truth that I think other people need to hear. Though really, I often wonder if even that is worth it; it’s clear civilization is going to collapse in a few years and there’s little chance that can be averted, so…maybe it’s best to keep quiet. We’re all pawns of history, anyway. (That may be Ni-Ti loop, speaking, but…)

Well, I’m glad you’re willing to do that much. :)

Although… you know that your fears and apprehensions about the future are not always accurate, yes? That what you foresee may not come to pass? It may be time to check your anxiety at the gate and consider a perspective that you have never thought about before – namely that 2020 is no worse off than many other time periods through history. The world has had good times and times of anarchy and massive upheaval. Civilization has survived much worse than the pandemic or riots, and having an apathetic “oh well, I shall just lie down in the middle of the road and let a truck run over me, because the world’s ending anyways” attitude will do you no good. Instead of negatively obsessing on a worst-case scenario, visualize what you want for your life, what you intend to do in the short term to get there, and imagine what could happen that might be positive. It’ll help you out of this depressive slump.

My point is: I may have a Two fix after all, I just don’t want to admit it, because I know that people who want approval too much are annoying, and I don’t want to be annoying, but the truth is, I DO want approval, so much…

I know that I loop out of Fe a lot, and that’s a problem.

Is it? Because … that was a hell of a lot of Fe you just admitted to. ;) You are willing to repress yourself, be inauthentic, say things you don’t fully feel, and desperately want attention and approval, all of which is “young Fe.” I want you to consider maturing your Fe. How do you do that? Start thinking beyond not wanting to offend people, to what is best for humanity. For the people in your life. What things do they need to hear, that only you can tell them with your Ni insights into their character? What things would improve their quality of life? What dangers can you warn them against? How can you help people who do not want to reach a consensus to understand each other and work together? How can you motivate people through emotional persuasion to do good things for a brighter future in your family, your community, on a larger sphere? Sometimes you need to offend a few people to make a difference for the positive.

In my better moments, I have this profound sense of all of us in the same boat, and that is good. It’s too easy to just see that the boat is heading over a waterfall and know that it’s too late to change course so nothing matters. But it does matter, of course, even if all we can do is comfort each other. Thank you, again, for your help. You have given me so much insight. Thank you so much.

Dump the pessimistic “we’re at the end of all things” attitude off the boat, Frodo. Humanity WILL survive whatever happens next. Question is, what role are you going to play in it -- that of a passive bystander or an influence for good?

Right now this world needs peacemakers. Is that something you can do?

#question #submission

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xianglingslesbian · 4 years

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ewbts - my top moments

no i will never stop laughing at that abbreviation it’s beautiful. buckle in because this is gonna be long, and probably don’t read it unless you’ve watched/read kuroko’s basketball and like izuki lmaoooo

chapter 1: hatchling, awaken

Izuki swallows. “Why do you all think I can do this?”

Then Kiyoshi turns to him with steel in his eyes (that must be how he got nicknamed Iron Heart - he seriously never backs down!) and asks him very clearly, “Why don’t you?”

Why don’t I think I can be captain?

“Because nobody thought I could be until now.”

aka “ceru is a masochist”, exhibit 1/???. anyway lets hear it for insecurities!!

chapter 2: liftoff

Predictably, Kuroko drags him aside at practice the next day and says, “I have something to tell you, Izuki-senpai.”

Izuki smiles at him. “Is it about your five evil exes?”

Kuroko looks horrified. “My what?!”

i think im funny

chapter 3: crash landing

As Izuki walks off the court, he looks for flashing glasses and grey eyes.

He curses himself for the heavy sadness that falls over him like a blanket when he doesn’t spot them.

yay for “ceru is a masochist” exhibit 2!

Oh, he [Izuki] watched videos of Aomine, came up with strategy after strategy to corner him, but videos and strategies can only go so far. Aomine in real life is something else entirely, a flash of lightning setting the court on fire with the sheer elegance of his crazy street basketball. All one can do is sit back and watch, awed beyond belief. Nothing can curb the wild madness that is Aomine Daiki – unrestrained, gleeful insanity dancing across the court like it’s his playground.

i also rlly like this line, it has some pretty imagery and we all know im a slut for pretty imagery~

chapter 4: a broken bone grows back stronger

“All right,” Koganei says to himself, moving to stand in front of the hoop. “One more time.”

He jumps, raising the ball to just above his face and releasing it. It misses, and he lets out a cry of frustration.

Can he even do this? Is it worth the time?

Koganei bites back the wave of guilt that washes over him at the thought. Izuki, Kiyoshi, Tsuchida, Rinnosuke, Kagami, Kuroko – he’d be letting them down if he didn’t give this his best shot. They’re all so dedicated to basketball that they each have a special skill honed from years of practice and love for the sport. If he can’t bring anything of his own to the table, what will he mean to this team? Seirin makes him want to be a team player, to add his skills to theirs rather than shining on his own. The change is good, yes, but he doesn’t want to stop there – he doesn’t want to be useless.

He will not be useless.

a bit of context: in this fic, since hyuuga did not return, koga became the SG for seirin :D i think my favorite character to develop, apart from izuki, was koganei - it was so fun to imagine all the ways he could have gone!

chapter 5: spreading new wings

All too soon, the day of judgment arrives, and Seirin convenes in the gym one last time before they head off to the Winter Cup building. No one says anything; not Kagami, fresh from his training trip to America, not Izuki, not Kiyoshi or Riko. They simply stand there, breathing in the scent of cleaner and leather and something else that’s so entirely Seirin, and knowing that no matter what happens this Winter Cup, they will return to the gym different people than they were before.

Different, and better.

Then they head out and off to the opening ceremony of the Winter Cup, not looking back once as they do.

yay for more pretty words!!!

“Oh, no worries. The actual motivational part is coming. Anyway, as I was saying – Tōō was just better than us that day. It’s hard to admit, I know: far easier to blame yourself, say you didn’t give it your all, but you know; we all know. It was their day to shine, not ours. But I think we’ve worked hard enough and are in a good enough mindset to change that, today. We aren’t scared or apprehensive about Tōō and Aomine, because we’ve faced them before. We know what attitude they’ll walk into our game with, and that’s what we’re going to exploit!”

“You’re going to exploit,” corrects Tsuchida. “Unlike you, the rest of us aren’t manipulative bastards.”

That raises a bunch of cackles, which quiet down when Izuki gives his team a glare. It doesn’t work on Riko, however, who sniggers under her breath and smirks at him.

izuki highkey sucks at pep talks lmao

chapter 6: ride the storm

Kagami and Aomine were made for each other. Made for this rivalry, this intense competition that will push them to their very limits and carry them onto a plane that no ordinary human can reach. Neither can defeat the other per se - they’re destined to stand neck and neck forever. However, one has a trump card on his side; and that trump card can make all the difference in the world.

Aomine Daiki may be strong, but Kagami Taiga is just as good. And damn him if the power of Kagami’s determination coupled with Kuroko’s unshakeable support won’t overwhelm the undisputed king of basketball.

Move aside, light bulb, Izuki thinks vindictively. The tube light is here to replace you.

pretty words. gay words. i love them (aokaga + izuki being a salt man lmao).

chapter 7: eagle versus aegis

“So bitter,” he [Izuki] reflects aloud, answering Himuro’s question.

That’s the emotion in his eyes. That’s what I might have become, if I had let my anger grow.

And suddenly he isn’t seeing Himuro Tatsuya anymore, but a version of himself, a version with darkened eyes and a mocking smile and pain and rage bubbling below the surface. Immensely talented, but not able to break the last barrier. Because he’s an ordinary man, and it’s as much as an ordinary man can do.

Strong, so strong. But also so terribly, heartbreakingly weak. Weak in a way that today’s Izuki Shun will never be.

GOD where do i even start w/this scene its literally everything i’ve ever wanted to write ksjfhsfj

chapter 8: clawing through mirages

Izuki’s taken aback for a millisecond before he continues his mad dash towards Murasakibara, letting out a war cry as the center makes to simply toss the ball into the hoop.

“It wasn’t their intention,” says a quiet but familiar voice. “But, this is the result of Kiyoshi-senpai and the other upperclassmen’s tenacity.”

Izuki grins, feeling new strength fill him up.

Together, huh? Okay. Together.

“This is where it ends for you!” shouts the voice, becoming stronger.

Not one, but two hands knock the ball out of Murasakibara’s hands and onto the ground. Kuroko shimmers into vision, smiling at Izuki with all the happiness in the world, just as the final buzzer rings.

i loved writing this match tbh, yousen is super underrated!

chapter 9: catch the updraft

21 - 22, in their favour at long last. Izuki grins at Kasamatsu, who shakes his head wearily.

“Using my own advice against me. What a terrible student you are,” he says, affecting an old man’s voice.

“The true student is the one who beats the master at his own game,” Izuki says quickly, sliding back into their familiar banter. “I swore to myself, my drive would beat your drive today, kitakore.”

“When did you get so wise?” asks Kasamatsu with a sigh, ignoring his pun and receiving the ball from Kobori, who was quick to grab it once Koga scored. Izuki just laughs, not bothering to reply and instead focusing carefully on Kasamatsu’s movements.

Kasamatsu shifts his weight right, left, then right again. Izuki narrows his eyes, trying to figure out what the hell his upperclassman is doing—

But it’s far too late, as Kasamatsu successfully passes through his defence in his moment of distraction, ball clutched tightly in hand. The sound of the scoring whistle is shrill and unpleasant to Izuki’s ears, and his chest stings at the loss.

“What was that about the main course?” Kasamatsu teases, wearing an enormous grin as he comes forward to guard Izuki once more.

izuki + kasamatsu banter is so so fun to write y’all have no idea

chapter 10: headwinds

This is your fault. If you’d been a better captain, a better point guard, a better everything, none of this would’ve happened. Seirin would have been well in the lead and controlling the game—

Izuki shakes his head violently, trying to get rid of his intrusive thoughts. He knows he’s a good captain, and doing this to himself will do no good for the rest of the team. He has to be strong for them. He has to lead them to victory, he can’t be a weak person overwhelmed by emotion. But it’s so hard to breathe, suddenly, and Izuki’s about to sink when—

“Don’t worry, Captain. I’ll take care of this match today,” says a confident and familiar voice, and a hand claps down on Izuki’s shoulder. He turns, a little surprised by the sudden contact, to find Koganei’s cat mouth set in a determined frown. “You can rest your hopes on me. I’ll be Seirin’s wings for as long as you need me to.”

kogazuki brotp feels man. kogazuki brotp feels.

chapter 11: cliff edge

Riko nods, sobering up a little. “I do know. And… I have to admit, I was a little harsh on you in the early days… I kept comparing you to Hyūga-kun.” She looks at the ground briefly, then raises her head to continue, meeting Izuki’s eyes with no hint of doubt in her own brown irises. “But then I saw how different you were. How you were never willing to give up, even if you were the worst player in the world. That’s what… that’s what made me truly believe in you.” She swallows thickly, taking a deep breath, but not averting her gaze from his.

The honesty and trust in her eyes is what shatters Izuki’s calm.

He steps forward, and she rises too, opening her arms. Then he hugs her tightly, murmuring, “Thank you for having faith in me.”

The “Of course. You’re family,” that she whispers back fills Izuki’s already overflowing heart even further.

Eventually, he lets her go, and she drops lightly to the ground, straightening her sweater and skirt.

“We never speak of this,” Izuki warns her, moving towards the door of the room.

Riko nods, back to her usual haughty demeanour. “Of course. No one can know we’re actually big softies who care a lot for each other.”

“To them, we’re just sarcastic jerks,” Izuki agrees. “And that’s the way it stays.”

anyone said izuriko brotp???? this fic is just platonic feels tbh

chapter 12: overcast skies

What should I do? Someone tell me! the voice cries out in Izuki’s head, a voice he hasn’t heard since the loss to Tōō. It is the same voice that whispers all his insecurities in his ear in the dead of night when no one is around to reassure him, the same voice that gave rise to all his fears and worries. It is the voice of the vulnerable and weak part of Izuki, the one that needs someone to guide him with a gentle hand, and he hates it.

It is a voice that, frankly, he never thought he would hear again. Yet, here it is, crying out for attention, screaming for someone to help.

He thought he had left it behind. It turns out he was wrong.

Izuki shoves it deep into his heart with more effort than he’s exerted all game, breathing a heavy sigh when he succeeds in locking it behind the glass wall that keeps his emotions away.

let’s hear it for “ceru is a masochist” exhibit 3~

chapter 13: nosedive

“I don’t know who you are,” Koganei completes his little speech, anger brimming in every part of his being. “But I know that my captain is Izuki Shun, not Akashi Seijūrō. The coach can bench you if she likes; we can fight without our captain, because we know he wants us to win for his sake. We’ve been fighting without him all the match, and we can continue doing so. We don’t need a player that can’t play with the same passion as us!”

Izuki looks at the ground and doesn’t respond. Somewhere within, something is stirring at Koganei’s words. Something that cries out to fill the gap inside him.

Next to speak is Kiyoshi, standing up and executing much the same move as Koga had by yanking Izuki up by his collar. However, Kiyoshi pulls Izuki into a standing position so that Izuki is half-leaning against him.

Brown eyes meet black, and Kiyoshi simply states, “I didn’t expect this from you, Shun.”

Then he rears his fist backwards and punches Izuki in the jaw.

“ceru is a masochist” exhibit 4!

chapter 14: bird of prey

“I just… I didn’t think you’d give up so easily.”

Koganei’s head shoots up. There’s fury in his eyes, and his face is white. His hands are shaking.

Izuki continues, calm and careless as he always is, “Really… after you gave me all that talk at halftime? I don’t believe this is you.”

Koganei’s jaw clenches, and he cries, “But I have done everything I can! He’s just too good—”

“And when has that ever stopped you?” Izuki keeps his voice quiet and even, but it has the gravity he intended it to - Koga falls silent immediately, eyes wide and riveted on him. “When have you ever backed down from fighting? You don’t know the meaning of giving up. You’ve never cared about whether someone’s better than you. I knew a shooting guard once, just like you, and he had the potential to be the greatest in the world. He was held back because he cared that he was worse than others. But you? You never blinked at it, just practised and practised until you could do the impossible.”

His words are getting louder with pride; he’s unable to keep it steady with the outpouring of emotion in his speech.

“Tell me, who can master Ray Allen’s form in one and a half years? Who can be such a rookie at basketball, yet be able to fight an Uncrowned King and respond to a shot that has left all its previous victims unable to move?!” Izuki leans forward and jabs a finger into Koganei’s chest demandingly. “Tell me, who the hell was that?!”

“Me,” Koga whispers timidly, looking down.

ahhhh yay for more platonic comfort and bonding. *izuki voice* yelling is the way to get ur team to get their shit tgt

chapter 15: born to soar

Izuki finds himself moving, barely thinking as he grabs the ball and bawls for an attack. He’s running faster than he ever has, flying up the court like there are wings on his legs. No one follows at his pace - they’re all too far behind.

No one but Kiyoshi.

The rhythm beats louder than ever, a heavy pulse in Izuki’s head and heart. He can feel Akashi on his heels and knows he needs to do something.

One second left—

Izuki’s hands move on their own, passing the ball to the one person he knows that he will always find.

Kiyoshi catches it and jumps.

Fortyfivethirtyfivetwentyfivefifteen—

The ball leaves his hands.

Fivezero—

The whistle blows to end the game. Kiyoshi’s shot hits the backboard and drops straight into the basket. Time stops as a shrill sound screeches into the air and the ref shouts, “124 to 123, Seirin High wins the Winter Cup!”

there we go. the most heartwrenching scene of this chapter ahhhhh

chapter 16: final flight

“We should go. Don’t want to keep them waiting too long,” Kiyoshi says, staring daggers at Hyūga, who to his credit doesn’t flinch but merely stares back.

“Let’s go, then,” Izuki agrees. He looks straight at Hyūga and allows a small, formal smile to play on his lips. Hyūga just nods, accepting the answer.

Izuki nods back, then turns around and starts walking away. But even as he moves toward the exit, something weighs heavily in his tired chest. For the first time in a long time, he isn’t confident in his decision.

Acting on impulse, he turns on his heel and yells out, “Call sometime, maybe!” before walking backwards out the door that Kiyoshi holds for him.

It’s an open-ended suggestion. Hyūga can choose to wallow and ignore it, or he can choose to pick up the phone. Izuki isn’t going to do so either way - he’ll be happy if Hyūga makes that call, but he won’t be terribly sad if he doesn't.

This time, he’s going to be the one that walks forward without looking back.

ahhh okay so this scene means a hella lot to me personally because... i had to grow, the way izuki grew. izuki’s now strong enough to sort of put the olive branch out and say, “take it or leave it,” and if it’s left he’s not gonna be upset. that’s something i really learned with a lot of difficulty and i think that that growth - in both me and him - is a lovely thing.

and there we have it! my favorite moments from each chapter of this story. *cries in a corner* god i can’t believe it’s over...

THANK YOU FOR THE JOURNEY!

#knb #izuki #eagles were born to soar #izuday #ceru writes

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kumeko · 4 years

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A/N: Happy Birthday Claude! This was written for the Master Tactician Claude zine, which focused on Claude and his pranks. I love him, Edel’s, and Dimi’s could-have-been friendship, however little it was shown in the game, and couldn’t resist here.

Summary: With the Battle of Eagle and Lion coming up, the Golden Deer needed to know Edelgard’s and Dimitri’s weaknesses. Luckily, Hilda and Claude knew just how to find it.

…

Scanning the monastery’s garden, Claude smiled as he spotted Hilda seated near the gazebo. Or, to be more accurate, he smiled as soon as he saw the tea set spread on the small round table in front of her. Even from here, he could see the sun reflecting off the silver teapot. It was a beautiful set. It also most certainly wasn’t hers. Clasping his hands behind his head, he casually strolled over to her. “So which poor sap did you scam this time?”

Hilda didn’t bother to look at him when she answered, her attention instead on a plate full of perfectly formed scones. She replied, indignant, “How rude. I don’t scam.”

“Right.” Claude chuckled. The second they’d met, he had known that he’d found a friend for life. There were so few people who were clever with their words and actions, fewer still who were also up for some innocent mischief. Pulling out the second chair, he plopped down across from her. The metal was warmed from the sun, the weather finally picking up after all that cold. Leaning back in his seat, he raised a brow. “Who’s the poor sucker you borrowed this from?”

Delicately, she picked up a scone and admired it. “A very gallant Ferdinand set this up for me.” She took a small bite, smiling brightly. “Lorenz generously provided the tea and snacks. I hardly expected this when they led me here. They’re both so very kind, don’t you agree?”

“Oh definitely. I’ll send them a thank you note later.” Claude snorted, amused. He wondered when the rest of the academy would wise up to Hilda’s ways; part of him was certain the answer would be ‘never’. Which was perfectly fine with him, it made information gathering so much easier. Pouring tea into his cup, he breathed in the aroma. “Rose petal again?”

“Lorenz has access to the best roses,” Hilda explained, taking a sip herself and moaning slightly. “I always pick my targets carefully.”

“Targets?” Claude teased, setting down his cup. The flavour was far too delicate for his tastes. He preferred stronger blends but then again, he wasn’t the one setting the table.

“Friends,” Hilda corrected without missing a beat. She smiled brightly. “Friends always help one another, don’t they?”

“If this is how you treat your friends, I’d hate to see your enemies.” Claude grinned back. Closing his eyes, he sighed. The sun really was warm against his skin. “I guess the weather really is changing now.”

“Yeah.” Hilda agreed, sipping her tea once more. Her fingers curled carefully around the cup’s handle, her elegant posture one of practiced ease. “I hate having tea when it’s hot out. At least we’re no longer in that musty room of yours.”

“Musty?” Claude glared at her, feeling put out. “I actually clean it, you know.”

“Oh sure, once a month?” Hilda shook her head disparagingly. “It’s always a mess.”

“A carefully organized mess.” Claude crossed his arms defensively. “You never know who might be looking.”

“Someone could have looked and you’ll never know, it’s so darned messy.” Hilda shrugged, unrepentant. “I’m glad we’re no longer meeting there.”

Claude clicked his tongue but there was no point in arguing about it anymore. They had this same disagreement every week. “Well, I’ll miss the privacy, but I suppose it’s easier to keep an eye on everyone here.” He glanced around the semi-empty garden, a few stray students strolling through it as they travelled from one part of the monastery or the other. What he really missed was the safety from eavesdroppers, but now that the weather had picked up, it would be strange if he and Hilda didn’t meet outdoors.

“I don’t think you need any help in that.” She circled the lip of her cup with a finger. “That reminds me, though, the Battle of Eagle and Lion is coming up now.”

“It is that time of year,” he murmured, trying not to smile as they went straight to business. “It’s going to be a tough battle this year.”

“Dimitri’s pretty strong and Edelgard knows how to strategize. It really can go anyway.” Hilda set down her cup and leaned closer. Her eyes sparkled, an eager expression crossing her face, and she asked, “What are we going to do about that?”

“Welll…” With an identical smile, he leaned closer as well. “That is a good question. It’ll be a lot easier to answer if I know what their weaknesses are.”

“Weaknesses…” Hilda frowned. “Edelgard seems like she has none.”

Claude nodded solemnly. “That’s true, she does seem perfect. Still, everyone has one, you just need to find it.”

“Even you?” Hilda looked at him curiously, and despite how casual her words were, he could feel her probing. “What are yours?”

“Tell me yours and I’ll share,” he counter offered, side-stepping her query with practiced ease. When she didn’t reply, he added, “You know, I’ve always wondered what Edelgard looks like when she’s surprised.”

Hilda gave him a look but accepted the misdirect. Clasping her hands together, she hummed. “Yeah, I can’t imagine anything surprising her. Dimitri seems a little easier to rile up and shock, but he also gets over it so fast.”

“You know, he’s starting to figure out when I’m teasing him!” Claude scowled, his cheeks puffing slightly at the memory. “He used to fall so easily!”

“Maybe you’re just getting bad at it.” She always knew how to press his buttons. Ignoring the dirty look he sent her, she pulled out a small cloth bag. Just where she’d hid it, Claude had no idea. “That reminds me, though, I picked up something from Lorenz just now.”

“At the tea party?” So, that was her motive behind it. And here he thought she wanted to set things up for him. He took the bag from her and pressed it softly. There was something grainy inside. “Tea?” he guessed.

“A very sour one,” Hilda confirmed, lacing her fingers together and resting her chin on it. She pouted slightly. “I can still taste it now. It’s horrible.”

“I wonder if their highnesses have tried it yet.” Claude carefully pocketed the bag. While his tone was light, his mind was already whirling with possibilities. “I imagine their reaction would be immediate.”

“Oh definitely. It’s hard to not react when you’ve tasted it.” Hilda lowered her eyes, her lips twisting slightly as she sighed. “Unfortunately, Dedue and Hubert make their tea and there’s no way you can sneak it past them.”

“That’s true.” Claude paused dramatically. “But I happen to have a meeting with them today. It’s house head only, and, as luck would have it, I am hosting.”

“Ohhh?” Hilda looked surprised. She was faking it, of course, and Claude didn’t know what to feel about the fact that he could read her so easily now. Or that maybe she could read him too. “Then perhaps you could use it.”

Claude shrugged nonchalantly. “Perhaps.”

-x-

For this knowledge-gathering task (which is what he’d call it if he were caught), Claude had everything on his side. The setting was the Golden Deer classroom, giving him a homefield advantage. As the one hosting it, he had control over the food and snacks, giving him ample time to prepare. Better yet, he didn’t have to worry about Hubert or Dedue alerting their house heads. Sure, Hilda wouldn’t be around either to witness this spectacular moment, but it was a much-needed sacrifice.

The only part he had to figure out was who to trick. He couldn’t get both of them at the same time—if only one cup tasted off, he could call it a strange accident. If it were two, they’d know immediately it was him. The only other option was giving all three of them the bad tea. Claude was willing to do many things for a prank, but self-destruct was not one of them.

Of the two, he ended up picking Edelgard. As Hilda had said, the emperor was impeccable.

Today, he’d finally see what made her tick.

When Dimitri and Edelgard entered the classroom, Claude smiled and gestured at the long table near the front. “I’ve already set things up for us.”

As usual, Edelgard looked apprehensive. The emperor didn’t know how to trust. Which, to be perfectly fair, was the right attitude for this situation, but still. She really needed to learn to loosen up. “It’s rare for you to be so well-prepared.”

“Well, Ferdinand and Lorenz helped a bit.” It was only a half-lie; he’d borrowed most of the spread from Hilda. “I can’t always look bad around you.”

Edelgard scrutinized him. He smiled easily under her intense stare. Giving up, she sighed, “See to it that you’re like this in our future meetings. It’s a waste of time otherwise.”

“You wound me, I am always prepared for out meetings.” Claude clutched his chest dramatically as he set down three tea-filled cups. Dimitri liked sitting on the edge, for easy escapes. Edelgard liked having her back against the wall, to be able to see everything in the room. And Claude was willing to adapt to whatever the situation would call for. “Let me just grab some paper.”

As he crossed over to the professor’s desk, picking up the materials he’d prepared, he listened to the sound of chairs scraping, of cloth rustling as his two companions sat down. All according to the plan.

“This looks good,” Dimitri murmured. There was a soft clink as a cup was lifted. “I don’t recognize the scent though.”

“It’s something from Lorenz,” Claude explained, turning around with a wide smile. “It’s a…” His expression froze at the sight before him. Dimitri was sitting where Claude should have. All in all, that wasn’t a bad thing, it didn’t really matter if they switched places. No, what made it worse was that perched where Dimitri should have been, was Edelgard.

She looked up at him, her eyes sharp. “Something wrong?”

Part of him wondered if she knew, if someone had been lurking about those bushes earlier. He couldn’t ask, of course, that would give the game away, but the answer would haunt him. “N-nothing.” Claude forced a smile as he slowly walked toward his doom. “As I was saying, Lorenz got some new samples and I wanted to give them a try.”

“He is a big tea drinker,” Edelgard mused, picking up a scone. “He and Ferdinand are often entertaining one another.”

“The tea-lovers club,” he joked, standing behind his seat now. There was no way around it, was there? He couldn’t even mention how odd it was that they’d all swapped places, because that’d bring attention to the matter. Steeling himself, he sat down on his chair. “Anyone from your house willing to join, Dimitri?”

Dimitri picked up one of the small cookies and shook his head. “No one is as enthusiastic as those two, though Annette has a thing for sweets.”

“Just like Lysithea then.” Claude tapped a pen against his paper, a wry smirk making its way across his face. “And Felix really hates sweets, right? What if they—”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea,” Edelgard cut in immediately, her jaw tightening slightly as she looked at him.

Claude puffed his cheeks, protesting, “Hey, I didn’t even finish my sentence.”

“I know what you’re thinking and no. Especially not with the battle so close; tensions between houses are high enough as it is.” Edelgard took a bite from her scone. Somehow, it didn’t crumble and Claude wondered if she’d made a deal with a devil. There had to be a supernatural reason for her constantly immaculate state.

“Felix gets riled up very easily,” Dimitri agreed, his tone pensive. “However, I think the intermingling is a good idea. After the battle, maybe, to help ease any lingering feelings? It could help unite our houses.”

“Diplomatic as ever. Something like this tea party?” Claude cupped his cheek with a hand, leaning into it. “I didn’t realize you were so fond of us. Or is it just me?”

“What…” Dimitri spluttered, dropping the cookie as he flushed a bright red. “I don’t…”

“Am I wrong?” Claude teased further, watching as Dimitri ran through several shades of red.

Edelgard gave him an indecipherable look before turning to Claude. “Enough with the jokes.” Glancing at his cup, she raised her brow and asked, “Is the tea not to your liking? You haven’t sipped it.”

Crap. Claude strained to smile, picking up the cup as they both looked at him curiously. “No, not at all, I was just waiting for it to cool a little.” He lifted it to his lips, silently swearing as they watched. Did they not have anything better to do? Maybe they had overheard. Bracing himself, he took a sip.

Immediately, a taste sourer than lemons hit his tongue and it took all of his strength to not gag at the taste. When Hilda said it’d be a showstopper, she hadn’t been kidding. Not even Edelgard would have been able to ignore this, and it was his lack of preparations that led to this waste. Forcing it down with a swallow, he coughed. “That…was something, huh?”

“Are you okay?” Dimitri asked, half out of his seat with concern. “You look unwell.”

“Perhaps a visit to Manuela,” Edelgard suggested, her brow knit as she glanced at her tea. “I thought the taste was quite pleasant.”

“It’s nothing,” he managed, wincing. Just what was this tea made of and who had made it?

“Let’s call off the meeting.” Edelgard stood up now, worry etched across her face as she reached over for his tea. “We can do this another time. It could be serious.”

“It’s just not to my taste, that’s all.” He waved off their concern, forcing his smile back in place. Claude batted off Edelgard’s hand before she could take the evidence. “Though, I didn’t realize you both cared for me so much. I’m touched, I really am.”

Dimitri opened his mouth to argue before closing it and shaking his head. He sat down with an irritated shake of his head.

“If you can talk like that, you’re fine.” Edelgard scowled, returning to her seat. “Now that your theatrics are over, we should get back to actual important issues, like the upcoming battle.”

“How cold! Still, you can act like that, but I know the truth. You care,” Claude sang, discreetly pushing his teacup away from him. Well, it wasn’t a perfect cover up, but it worked out well enough. Besides, it might not be a weakness, exactly, but Edelgard had been concerned about him. On some level, he mattered to her. There was bound to be some way or another he could use that, even if only to further his own dream.

But, wow, he could still taste it. Maybe he could get another batch from Lorenz later (or rather, have Hilda get it again). It was way too good an item to not prank at least one person with.

#fire emblem three houses #claude von riegan #dimitri alexandre blaiddyd #edelgard von hresvelg #hilda valentine goneril #fe3h #fe3houses #fanfic

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murasaki-murasame · 5 years

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Thoughts on Sarazanmai Episode 4: “I Want To Connect, But You’re So Far Away”

Or maybe I should say, ‘I Want To Connect, But You’re Soba Away”? :V

There’s a whole lot going on in this episode, but above all else I’m gonna have the scene with Mabu saying ‘that’s yesterday’s noodle’ stuck in my head for the next while.

tfw you’re yesterday’s noodle u_u

Anyway, thoughts under the cut.

In this episode of Sarazanmai, we learn that on being a teenage drug dealer, Toi has also literally murdered a dude before. Which actually isn’t all that surprising, considering that we’ve already seen him waterboarding a dude with his brother before.

It sure does say a lot about this show that you can say that the reveal of one of the main characters having shot someone when he was a child is almost underwhelming because you’ve already seen him torture a dude, lmao.

I did really like how all of the flashback sequences were handled in this episode, though, especially the secret leaking sequence. This episode in particular makes me feel like I’m missing out because I haven’t watched Penguindrum yet, since everyone says that Nobuyuki Takeuchi [the episode director for this episode and one of the head directors on this show as a whole] was responsible for the best episode of it. But I know him mostly for his work on the first season of Bakemonogatari, and at the very least I can say that you can REALLY tell he worked on that show as well. Especially with all the shots of urban environments and cityscapes and whatnot.

The only thing that really felt weird about the flashbacks was how it felt like Kouki Uchiyama barely tried to change his voice even when he was voicing Toi as a little kid, so that immediately sounded kinda weird and jarring. But other than that it was all great.

You could piece together the gist of Toi and Chikai’s relationship from what we’d already seen of them, but it was nice to get a deep dive into exactly what’s going on. So basically Chikai got involved in gang stuff, stole money from another gangster to pay off his family’s debts, which lead to Toi shooting that dude, and now Toi is trying to become part of the criminal underworld so that he can stay near his brother, even while Chikai is clearly trying to push him away so he can live a normal life.

We’ve technically already heard it from the first PVs ages ago, but Toi’s whole monologue about how anything and everything can disappear and be forgotten is even more interesting now with the whole context of how whenever each kappa zombie gets defeated, they very literally get erased from existence, and from the memories of people who knew them, and even from stuff like photos they were in.

And on the note of kappa zombies, this week’s one was another mostly unimportant background character who was a bit of a sexual deviant that got caught by Reo and Mabu and made into a kappa zombie. It at least continues the trend of the zombie of the week being some sort of a foil to the character being focused on, since this whole episode was about Toi’s history with his family’s soba shop, and the kappa zombie was someone who ran a different soba store, and who basically had a fetish for wanting to use his girlfriend’s bathwater to make a giant soba bowl for them to soak in. With how all of the zombies are silly and exaggerated versions of the sorts of desires that the main characters have, you can see how it relates to Toi wanting to protect his family’s soba shop and live with his brother.

Everyone keeps saying that episode six will be where things really get shaken up plot-wise, but I feel like the next episode might also be pretty interesting, going by what Reo and Mabu talked about with them wondering if they should change things up.

And on the topic of the next episode, I’m hoping that we actually get to see Kazuki’s whole ‘let’s literally kidnap Sara so I can take her place at the handshake meeting all so that I can keep up the weird ruse I have going on with Haruka’ mission play out. It sounds so incredibly bonkers that I just want to see how it goes.

It’s kinda funny that, considering what this episode was actually about for the most part, pretty much everything Kazuki does feels more strange and unsettling than anything Toi’s done. I think it’s mostly because Toi’s motives are spelled out very explicitly, and he doesn’t try and hide any of it, whereas Kazuki’s one big complicated mess of mysterious motivations and feelings. And even though Toi has fully committed to being a criminal, Kazuki is in this uncomfortably creepy grey area where he clearly doesn’t want to acknowledge that anything he’s doing is bad, but he’s also completely willing to happily tell Toi about how he wants him to help him kidnap Sara. He even had a whole map printed out to help illustrate the very specific plan he wants the two of them to go through with to make it happen, which includes Toi knocking Sara’s manager out and locking him somewhere where he won’t bother them. There’s just something distinctly creepy about the boundaries Kazuki crosses and the attitude he has about it, and I kinda love it.

While I’m thinking about it, I should also say that I’m starting to think that Kazuki is very intentionally using his Sara disguise to manipulate Toi. I think he’s already figured out that Toi has a bit of a crush on him, at least in his Sara outfit, and this episode really makes it seem like he’s exploiting that to his benefit. The part where he runs up and hugs Toi stands out in particular, since he didn’t really have any specific reason to be so pushy and suggestive about it. Before the episode came out and we just had the preview images, I thought it’d be the sort of scene where, for example, Kazuki is running from someone and ropes Toi into acting like his boyfriend or whatever, which would have explained the sudden hug and the hushed explanation of what he wants Toi to do, but nah. He just did that, entirely of his own volition, instead of just walking up to him and talking like a normal person. In general he seems to be having a lot of fun getting into the Sara persona when he’s alone with Toi, which I think is very telling in a lot of ways.

I really hope that some sort of a legit love triangle starts to develop here, if only because I think it’ll lead to a lot of juicy drama, and tbh it’d feel a bit weird if a lot of this stuff didn’t actually go anywhere.

And as yet another element of Kazuki being surprisingly hard to understand, we have the whole post-credits stinger scene of him giving his dish to Toi and finally revealing that he actually hates Haruka.

There’s a lot of ways this can go, so for the most part I’m just gonna wait and see, but I agree with basically everyone else that my initial guess is that it’s probably some sort of resentment toward Haruka because of the special attention and accommodations that have to be given to him because of his disability. Which would also make sense based on how apparently the light novel makes it a bit more clear that whatever happened to Haruka might have been a relatively recent accident, and so it might have been a much more disruptive and unexpected force in Kazuki’s life.

As a disabled person, this sort of topic always hits really close to home with me, in some really uncomfortable ways, so even though I’m excited to see where it goes, and I have faith that Ikuhara will handle it well, I’m still kinda apprehensive. It’s not like it’s an unrealistic or ‘bad’ topic to write about, but it just always makes me uncomfortable and self-conscious when stories have able-bodied characters that resent disabled people they know because of their special needs. The fact that Kazuki’s the cagey and neurotic one while Haruka is just a normal little kid who clearly wants to just have a normal relationship with his brother gives me hope that it hopefully shouldn’t at least devolve into straight-up ableism territory.

Either way, I’m excited to see where the next episode goes.

And on a side note, in a few weeks I’m probably going to be importing the ReoMabu prequel manga. I really want to get the light novel as well, but I think I’ll wait until I can at least order both volumes of it at the same time.

#murasaki rambles #sarazanmai #all of the main cast members are messy bastards and I LOVE them

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literarygoon · 3 years

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This interview was originally published by the Humber Literary Review

So,

Yasuko Thanh is an acclaimed short story writer and novelist from Victoria, B.C. After winning the Journey Prize for her short story about an island leper colony, “Floating like the Dead”, she went on to gain wide acclaim for her historical Vietnam-based novel The Mysterious Fragrance of the Yellow Mountains. Her work often features spiritual or fantastical elements, as well as brutality and violence, and fixates on those who exist just outside the margins of polite society. Her latest is a memoir called Mistakes to Run With that details her upwards ascent from teenage prostitute to literary icon.

The Humber Literary Review’s Will Johnson caught up with Yasuko to talk about George Orwell, what it’s like to leave Christianity behind, and how it feels to be truly naked in public.

HLR: George Orwell once said “Autobiography is only to be trusted when it reveals something disgraceful. A man who gives a good account of himself is probably lying.” I thought about his words while reading your book, where it seems like you’re relentless about unearthing all your past foibles and sins for everyone to see. I admire your dedication to the truth, to introspection, but I wonder what compelled you to complete this public moral inventory.

Why share your darkest secrets and shames with such a huge audience?

YT: When I started writing this memoir, I was still in therapy after a stay in the psych ward. It was Christmas of 2016, and in a six months period I’d won the Roger’s Writers’ Trust Prize and been abandoned by my husband of nine years. Now it was Christmas and my new anti-psychotic meds were addressing the worst of my mental illness symptoms. I no longer spent each day contemplating how to take my life, so I stopped going to therapy, and convinced myself that the writing of the memoir could serve as a replacement for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. All my life, writing has been a sort of processing mill for experience so this idea, of writing as pseudo-therapy, was nothing new.

I used my experiences to shed light on certain issues. I wanted to examine the stigmatization of street-workers, and its contribution to a social milieu in which violence against sex workers has flourished. The experiences didn’t have to me mine per se but they were the ones I was most intimate with. Stories come from everywhere but the best ones often come from our own lives, what we think and feel, who and what we care about.

At the time of the Pickton murders, the city of Vancouver propelled a harmful myth: that street workers were less valuable than other people. This thinking, this stigmatization of a group, was an obstacle to safer working conditions for them, and created the kind of environment on Vancouver’s downtown eastside from which nearly 60 women went missing.

Various studies have looked at why adolescents start selling sex. At the time I was working the streets, I often felt that Social Services and the legal system had driven me to it. I’d been denied Independent Living – welfare for youth under eighteen – I’d been jailed for shoplifting and could no longer maintain my career as a "booster." I had seen friends arrested and forced by the police to violently choke up whatever acid or hash they had stashed in their mouth. The sex workers I saw wore fur coats and red pig skin boots.

Money was the trade off for the conflicts I would experience with the law and abusive customers and pimps.

I spent much of my career in the sex trade in Vancouver.

From the age of fifteen onward, my life included prostitution, arrests, drugs, an abusive relationship, and struggles with mental health. In 1998, when I realized I was pregnant with my first child, I began to examine my past and consider what I wanted my future to be like. What would I tell my child about the kind of person I was?

The seeds for the memoir were planted back then.

My hope with this book was to begin a dialogue about the continued criminalisation of street-imbedded youth. A new model for understanding is needed, because their criminalisation entrenches them further in street life without addressing the social issues that put them there in the first place. I’d love for this book to spur a dialogue between legislators and the people for whom the skills and attitudes of the streets are logical means of survival. I’d love to contribute in some small way to the struggle for tolerance and open-mindedness.

HLR: In an interview with the Vancouver Sun, you said that you hate the “role of victim into which the sex-traded are often cast — because of all the accompanying pity”. I thought one of the most striking and refreshing elements of your memoir was that you never moralized about sex work, or wrote condescendingly about the people you met during that time. It was simply a choice you made, and a milieu you existed within, before moving on. That being said, the danger and violence associated with that lifestyle clearly took its toll both on you and others you love.

With all the stigma and misunderstanding surrounding the industry, is there something you’d like the average citizen to understand about that world?

YT: During the mid-1980s, right when I was entering the sex trade, working in both Victoria and Vancouver, I remember being chased from sidewalks with a garden hose, and men and women marching with placards. I hid behind dumpsters and waited for the mobs to clear. I was engaged with a profound feeling of puzzlement that people could be so self-assured without even knowing me or my name.

One night, when I was about eighteen-years-old, I was sitting with my friend Frances in a diner called the Korner Kitchen, on the same corner where we caught dates, the corner of Richards and Helmcken. We drank coffee in the vinyl-seated booth; she stirred in her sugar and licked the spoon before laying it on the table. Neither one of us could see ourselves turning tricks forever, and we shared the conviction that we’d be good at a multitude of things, if we only had a chance to try them. She wanted to be a teacher, could see herself in that role.

“But I wonder about a criminal record,” I said.

Both of us had one.

“With the kind of work you want to do,” she said, knowing I wanted to be a writer, “it won’t matter, anyway.”

The British philosopher and writer Iris Murdoch said that the goal of every writer was to cultivate what she called “true sight,” the ability to recognize other people really exist. I’m currently reading The Wisdom of the Body by Sherwin B. Nuland. In his chapter on “Biology, Destiny, and Free Will” he quotes Percy Bysshe Shelley. “Without imagination of another’s mind there can be no understanding of the other and therefore no love, and without love there can be no morality.” To be good, he says, is to imagine intensely and comprehensively the pains and pleasures of others. The great secret is love, or a going out of our own nature, an identification of ourselves with the other.

The intimate tone of a memoir made it the ideal genre to negotiate such intensely personal material, and I hope it gives people the means to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes.

I guess what I’d like people to understand is that we/they have names. We have parents, siblings, spouses, children. To understand that “there but for the grace of God, go I.” That everyone has an identity outside of the roles we play even if, or maybe especially if, that role is dealer, junkie, prostitute, panhandler, street kid, etc.

HLR: You were raised within an evangelical Christian context, but left the church and your faith behind as a teenager. This is a painful and confusing process, one that I went through, that often leaves people without something to replace their beliefs with. Have you ever been successful at filling the God-shaped hole? And is there any sort of spirituality you embrace?

YT: The spirituality I embrace is my personal religion of honouring anything and everything that spurs my writing. I deal with any number of doubts on a regular basis. Will I be good enough? Is what I have to say worth saying? Will anybody care?

It’s enough to stop you in your tracks.

But stopping isn’t the same as quitting.

And what keeps me going, and writing, is, at its core, akin to religious faith.

Writing is what helps me battle the daily truth that people are separated by vast distances. And one of my main motivations, one of the reasons I write, is because it helps me capture something from the inexorable, outward flow of time. It’s nothing less than a fight against my own mortality, and a balm against my sadness at the transience of all things.

“No man writes except to get out of hell,” Antonin Artaud wrote from an insane asylum.

I have to strongly believe in what I’m doing or I can’t do it.

Toni Morrisson, expressing a similar dichotomy, wrote that love “is or it ain’t. Thin love ain’t love at all.” That sums it up nicely.

I write all chips in, plunging ahead confidently, blindly, without real proof that anything will come of it, though maybe being published is a little bit like proof that one is on the right track -- but you can’t wait for signs. My belief or practice is based more on a type of apprehension: that, if I don’t write, something bad may happen.

I’m not sure what.

Maybe I’d stop being me. Or I’d go insane. Or the sky would fall. Not-writing is my version of hell.

I love the Wallace Stevens quote that goes: “After one has abandoned a belief in God, poetry is that which takes its place as life’s redemption.”

Reading can be a spiritual act, in the way it affects the soul. Writing, for me is a way of expressing my hopes and wishes, and in that sense, it is a form of prayer.

HLR: I’m working on a memoir at the moment, and one of the constant concerns is whether or not I’m honestly depicting the people involved—especially if the truth is less than flattering. I know you’ve changed some names, and utilized a composite character, but I’m sure there are people from your past who could potentially read your work and take issue with what you’ve written. How did you navigate these concerns while writing Mistakes to Run With, and how did you decide what to include and what not to?

YT: As you’ve pointed out, the people who share our lives may have very different opinions from us about what is appropriate and what is not to include in a work on nonfiction. I did ask one of my children about a specific episode in their life and whether they would feel comfortable with me sharing the story. They didn’t. So, out of respect for them, I didn’t include it in the book. However, the rest of my family and friends were fair game.

That said, my aim was not to vilify anyone, because that’s bad writing, and I even pulled some punches with the intent of creating well-rounded characters. Good writing portrays character with all its complexity intact. Though, I’m sure there are people out there who are angry about things I wrote about. My answer to them is, Write your own book. I knew well in advance that I wasn’t going to let friends or family read it before it was published. I didn’t want to be swayed by their comments. I didn’t want to censure myself. I think writing by consensus is kind of a terrible idea. Post-publication, I’m happy to talk to anyone who takes issue, but the idea of being vetted beforehand?

I think the prospect of allowing friends and family to sound in with their evaluations and appraisals of the work would make me too nervous to write at all.

HLR: I love how diverse your work is, and how you seem to effortlessly jump genres. Your next novel is about Julia Pastrana, a 19th-century woman born with a genetic condition that resulted in abnormal growths of hair all over her body. I’m curious whether you’re purposefully challenging yourself to try new things, or if inspiration just happened to take you there. How did you land on this particular premise?

YT: That particular idea came about at a time I was reading a lot of books on so-called “freaks.” One book I remember in particular was A Cabinet of Medical Curiosities but Jan Bondeson. I came across Julia Pastrana’s story in there. What intrigues me about her story is the fact that she married her manager and toured across Europe and North America, even meeting royalty according to some versions. The hook (for me) is the way the story can be read one of two ways: her manager was just another kind of pimp who married her and told her he loved her to keep his paycheck close to home, or he was a man who, despite her unlikely appearance, was able to look past her outer shell and see her, love her, for who she was...I like the idea of playing with both versions, and having portions of each stand in for the truth. I like the idea of, perhaps, the truth being unknown even to Pastrana and her manager.

We’re, all of us to varying degrees, mysteries to ourselves, often acting on our feelings whose origins lie in conflicting places. In these apparent dichotomies is where people come most alive for me. These contradictions in ourselves -- that’s when characters come most alive for me.

But here’s where I’m going to burst your bubble. That project has been put on the back-burner. Right now I’m working on two other projects. One is a collection of short stories with the working title, Death Rituals for a Modern Age. The other is a novel set in the present day, tentatively called, The Administration of Elementary Hopes. They share common themes of love and death (what else?) and I’m trying to lighten the load of the material through the use of dark humour, and in the case of the novel, the structure and tropes of the Gothic tale.

HLR: Quill & Quire once quoted you saying “a good scream is worth a whole couple of months of therapy.” You were speaking about your musical projects, including your neo-punk band 12 Gauge Facial. I imagine the artistic impulse involved in creating your music is different than the much slower-paced process of writing a book. How does music fit into your artistic practice?

YT: The artistic impulse involved in creating music is different than the much slower-paced process of writing a book. Music fits into my artistic practice like a really good chocolate bar between meals. It’s one of the things I do between writing different works, or to jog something loose.

It also gives me a chance to express in greater depth things that continue to haunt but that were glossed over in the memoir. You can’t fit everything into the pages of a book. If I had it would have made a better doorstop than a book. The original plan was to release an album at the same time as the memoir. My idea was that it could form a kind of soundtrack for the book -- but, alas, money and time conspired against me. That said, the project hasn’t been abandoned. Only postponed. I have sixteen original tracks that I’m hoping to release at some point in the near future.

HLR: I really appreciated the conclusion of your book, though I won’t share any spoilers here. What I appreciated about your approach was that you didn’t tie things up with a tidy bow, claiming your life issues are resolved, but rather acknowledged that you continue to be a work-in-progress (as we all are) with problems to face. Life doesn’t have endings, really, and neither does your book. Did you have to resist the urge to include a “What I’ve Learned” passage to the end?

YT: Resisting the urge wasn’t hard — in fact, I fought against this type of ending. Initially, the memoir ended many years earlier than the version which iI published. Both my editor and agent urged me to look at the material again, and consider extending the narrative up to the present day. In the end, I agreed to have the ending of the book coincide with the Rogers Writers Trust prize, and I’m happy I did so. But rather than have the book end with a Frank Capra-esque moment, where we know that everything from here on in is going to be rosy, I wanted to convey the sense that, as you said, life doesn’t have endings and we all are continuously working on ourselves by squarely facing our problems. I attempted to do this structurally, in terms of chapter headings, and through repetition of certain key lines or phrases.

I’m glad you think it worked.

The Literary Goon

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sapphicjeon · 7 years

Text

Lilac & Vanilla ||001

Summary: A story about a boy and girl in love. But sometimes love just isn’t enough

Part: 01 of 3

Pairing: Jungkook/OC

Genre: Angst, Drama, Romance, College/Uni au

Warnings: Mature themes ( explicit language, drug/alcohol abuse, sexual acts)

Word Count: 3.148k

You can also read this on a03

Jungkook takes a slow deep drag from his cigarette. Looking out into the city skyline, the sun is slowly setting, the sky coloured in oranges and red. The glow from the sun gives his skin a beautiful orange undertone. It would make an excellent photo, but he’s too lazy to run back inside to his room to get his camera. Since his fight with Casey, he’s lost motivation to do anything these days. He takes another long inhale of the cigarette. Down below there are people walking by probably in a drunken haze, its Saturday night and Toronto is busy filled with pretty women in short dresses. A girl with a gorgeous afro and bright red lipstick bobs up and down the street with her friend in hand. They sing Justin Bieber song from the top of their lungs.

The thought of Casey pops up into his mind.

He can’t seem to get her out of his mind, her hair, and her eyes, brown with flecks of gold in them. The smell of her lilac perfume, her boisterous laugh. It’s all just too much. He hasn’t heard from her in three days which to some may not seem like much but for him, it’s a long time considering they talk every single day.

He’s not surprised though, he’s been an asshole. When she’d caught him making out with some random redhead at the bar she never said a thing, just stood there and watched them. It wasn’t until they stopped for air when Jungkook looked up and saw the hurt look in her eyes her lips pursed as if to stop herself from crying. Then she turned around and disappeared into the crowd. He never ran after her. He should’ve he knows. When the red head asked if he knew her he shakes his head no and continues kissing her.

He doesn’t know why he keeps hurting her. Hell, he doesn’t even know why she keeps going back to him. Even though he doesn’t act like it deep down he needs her. Needs the way her leg feels against his thigh whenever they’re wrapped up in the sheets together. He needs the way she says “Good morning” in that raspy voice of hers playful and fun. The way she ruffles his hair whenever she’s being cheeky. Even though he doesn’t want to admit it, not even to himself He needs her more than he needs air to breathe.

His phone vibrates in his pocket. It’s Taehyung with a text saying “I’m downstairs.”

Taehyung is standing outside his hands in his pocket and a joint tucked behind his ear. He grins like a mad man when he sees Jungkook coming out the door of his building. He wraps his arm around Jungkook’s neck and they make their way down the street to the Tavern. It’s three dollar beer night which thank goodness because he could really go for a pint right now.

“Tonight’s gonna be lit!” Said Taehyung.

Jungkook laughs and shakes his head. “You say this every time we go out.”

“Yeah and don’t we always have a good time?” Said Taehyung.

Jungkook nods and says, “Yea but usually it ends with me having to drag you out of the bar because you always seem to enjoy pissing off the owner.”

Taehyung laughs sheepishly taking the joint from behind his ear and lighting it up.

“He’s just in love with me is all.” Taehyung hands the joint over to Jungkook.

“I knew you were fucking him.”

Taehyung gasps in fake surprise and swats Jungkook. “I am not!”

Jungkook gives Taehyung a look of apprehension.

Taehyung snatches the joint out of Jungkook’s hand avoiding eye contact. “I may have made out with him a couple of times.”

Jungkook barks out a laugh

“Of course you have.”

~~~

When they get to the pub it’s packed. Some people he recognises from Uni. He looks over at the stage and it’s some obscure band but when he takes a good look at the lead singer he realises that its Namjoon the guy from his calculus class dressed in a white tee, and a leather jacket his hair side-swept grinning at one of the girls in the front row.

“Prick” Jungkook mutters under his breath, rolling his eyes.

He heads to the bar and orders him and Taehyung a beer. Graciously taking the beer Taehyung takes a huge gulp.

“I need to get laid tonight, all this studying for finals is doing my fucking head in.”

Jungkook nods in agreement taking a swig of his beer. He wonders if Casey is here too. He scans the sea of people looking for reddish brown afro hair but he doesn’t see her. Does he even want to see her? What is he really going to say to her after he just full on kissed another woman in front of her?

“You’re looking for Casey aren’t you?” Said Taehyung

Jungkook jumps out of his reverie with slightly wide eyes avoiding eye contact. He takes a sip of his beer.

“No.”

Jungkook has never been a very good liar especially when it comes to Taehyung. He’s known him long enough to know when he’s lying or not. Sometimes he thinks Taehyung knows him better than he knows himself.

“You’re a terrible liar” Taehyung deadpans.

“I’m not lying!”

Taehyung rolls his eyes. “Kook, just forget about her right now look at all this pussy just for us.”

Jungkook cringes at that. He doesn’t like the way Taehyung swears, it makes him sound like twelve-year-old swearing for the first time.

“Please stop, besides I haven’t spoken to her in days anyways it’s not like I care.”

He then spots her, reddish brown hair long past her shoulders flirting with Namjoon the guitarist from the band. He whispers something in her ear that makes her laugh out loud. There’s a twinge of jealousy fluttering around in Jungkook’s stomach. He shouldn’t be jealous he knows that he has no right to be. But he can’t seem to help himself. He’s the only one that should be able to make her laugh like that no one else.

Namjoon wraps his arm around Casey. His hand sliding lower and lower until he grabs her ass making her yelp and giggle. She kisses him running her hand in his sweaty gross hair. Jungkook’s had it, he chugs the last of his beer slamming it on the counter and marches right over.

“Kook! C’mon man don’t worry about her!” Taehyung yells after him.

But Jungkook ignores him making a beeline towards Casey. He grabs her arm pulling her towards him.

“What the fuck?!” Said Casey.

Casey snatches her arm back from him.

“What is your problem?”

“I need to speak to you” Said Jungkook.

“Yeah? Well, I don’t want to speak to you.” Said Casey.

All of a sudden Namjoon is obscuring his view of Casey. He’s tall with terribly bleach blonde hair and his roots showing there’s a cross earring dangling from his right ear. Jungkook wants to rip that fucking earring out. But before he does anything rash he calms himself down. He swipes his tongue over his bottom lip and sighs.

“This has nothing to do with you, now if you’d excuse me I need to talk to Casey,” Jungkook says firmly.

“She doesn’t want to speak with you.”

Namjoon steps forward in an intimidating way puffing out his chest. It takes everything in Jungkook’s power not to laugh. This guy is a joke, seriously what does Casey see in him.

“I’m pretty sure Casey can speak for herself.”

When he looks over at her she’s staring at the two of them with a worried look on her face, almost too scared to say anything. Jungkook takes a step around Namjoon towards Casey but he blocks his way.

At this point, Jungkook has had enough and without another word, he swings a fist towards Namjoon making him stumble back. There’s blood dripping from his mouth. When he notices he charges towards Jungkook. But Casey steps in before he can get to him.

“Alright, alright that’s enough!” Casey yells.

“Fine Kookie, you wanna talk let’s talk.”

Casey gives Namjoon an apologetic smile ushering Jungkook towards the bar lounge. Jungkook gives Namjoon a smug look while giving him the finger.

He orders himself and Casey a pint. They find a quiet booth to chat in. Casey grabs Jungkook’s hand examining the bruises. He snatches his hand away from her telling her he’s fine.

Casey tuts “You just made yourself look like a complete idiot, what is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with me? You’re the one hanging out with wannabe Justin Bieber over there!”

Casey sighs rubbing her temples. “See, that’s your problem you’re too high strung, what did you want to talk about anyway?”

Jungkook takes a long swig of his beer. By now he’s way too drunk to be spilling out his feelings but nonetheless, here he is. He takes a second to examine Casey, her hair is now up in a messy bun her cheeks slightly flushed from drinking too much and the fiasco that just took place. She’s wearing a pretty shade of baby pink lipstick which is a beautiful contrast to her brown skin.

He wants so badly just to kiss her, forget everything that’s happened between them take her back to his apartment and make love to her until the sun comes up.

“You look so beautiful” he blurts out without thinking.

Casey has a surprised look on her face but it quickly changes with her rolling her eyes and shaking her head. “Is that what you brought me here to tell me?” She goes to get up to leave but Jungkook quickly catches her hand and gently tugs her back to sit down with pleading eyes.

“Please sit,” he says it a bit too desperately. He scolds himself mentally at how pathetic he’s being. Casey reluctantly sits down taking a sip of her beer she gives him a look encouraging him to continue.

Suddenly Jungkook is nervous fiddling with his ring around his finger, the one Casey gave him when they went to the festival over by the harbour. He hasn’t taken it off since. He doesn’t like to talk about his feelings he prefers to be the cool guy the one with the laid-back attitude who likes to make people laugh. He’s not good with showing who he really is, an overly sensitive romantic who is crazy in love with the woman sitting in front of him.

But he knows that if he really wants things to work out between the two of them then he’s going to have to open up and let her in. Two years of back and forth is too exhausting. Without thinking about it too much he blurts

“I want to take things more serious.”

Casey snorts into her cup at that he knows she’s heard that line before. Too many times in fact but Jungkook means it this time he swears by it. No more sleeping with other women behind her back just so he could prove something to himself. Just because he’s scared. He wants to get better he wants to make it work this time around.

“No I’m serious Cas, I want this to work out, I want to take this relationship to the next level.”

“What makes this time so different? How do I know this is just not some bull shit about how you have changed, and how things are going to be better?”

Jungkook doesn’t know, but he knows this time is different because it just is and even though that’s not good enough for her it is for him. Stupidly he shrugs his shoulders “Can’t you just trust me?”

Casey gives Jungkook an incredulous look and shakes her head. “That’s not good enough.”

“I’m trying Cas I-“

“Are you? Because the last time I saw you, you had your tongue down another woman’s throat.”

“She didn’t mean anything I swear!”

“Oh lovely so because she didn’t mean anything to you suddenly it makes it ok, alright then.”

“No that’s not what I meant”

“Then what did you mean?”

Jungkook sighs running his hand through his hair. This is not how he imagined the conversation would go, so many things running through his mind. Deep down he wants to say that really and truly he’s terrified, he’s never felt this way about any woman. He didn’t think he could feel this way about anyone, to be honest. He just thought that he was just going to go through his life never falling in love and he was ok with that. But then he met Casey and his entire world was turned upside down.

Suddenly he’s feeling things he’s never felt before and he doesn’t know what to do. He’s afraid he’ll muck things up so instead, he finds other women to mess around with to distract him. Which doesn’t help much obviously and that it only makes things worse.

Jungkook sighs, his bottom lip tucked under his teeth anxiously He starts to fiddle with his ring again. He needs to think of something to say in order to make her stay and fast. Casey looks at him expectantly, he opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. There is another bout of awkward silence and when she realises he’s not going to say anything she shakes her head in disappointment.

“You have nothing to say for yourself?” said Casey.

Without thinking, Jungkook blurts out “I’m sorry.”

Casey scoffs and quickly gets up out of her seat without saying anything and marches right out of the pub with Jungkook following close behind her. He is spewing out every excuse he can think of. When they are a few metres from the pub outside Casey lets out a frustrated guttural shout.

“When are you going to grow the fuck up Kookie?”

Jungkook stops dead in his tracks, a little taken aback.

“You have never held yourself accountable for the bullshit you put me through and frankly I’m tired. I’m tired of not hearing from you for days at a time, worrying about you, wondering if you’re ok only to find out you’re with some other girl. I’m tired of being treated as second best.

“Like, do you even respect me? Do you actually love me or am I just some play thing to you?”

“I love you!” Jungkook shouts a little too loudly, his voice more eager than he intended.

“Seriously?! Is that all you can say to me?” Casey spits. “As if I haven’t heard that lie a million times before.”

He’s not lying though, he does love her more than anything, more than filming, sometimes even more than his friends and although he hates to admit it, more than himself.

A motorcycle zooms past them the loud roar of the engine makes Jungkook flinch.

“Can we go to my place and talk?”

“No.,” said Casey

“Please?” his voice cracks. He swallows the lump down his throat. He needs her, in his bed, in his clothes the smell of vanilla and lilac in his sheets, he misses that.

Casey’s stance is offensive but the look in her eyes says otherwise. She’s considering it in her mind. Jungkook knows her body too well.

“I promise nothing will happen.”

He means that too. Jungkook may be a liar but he knows that there is a time and place for everything. Casey is the only person he shows his vulnerable side too although he hates it. He knows that she won’t judge him for it.

“Why?” said Casey a pained expression her face.

She looks withered faded dark circles under eyes the dried paint under her nails tells him that she’s been up all night working on her final assignment.

Jungkook anxiously chews the bottom of his lip. He knows that she’s not asking really asking “why” but rather “what is the point?” This what they have done for the past two years since they started Uni. They love, they fuck, someone cheats, they fight, and then they get back together again. A vicious, poisonous cycle.

He sighs looking at her with big sad doe-like eyes. He notices a look in her eyes, she’s already made the decision in her mind all she wants is justification.

“Because I need you.”

As sad that sounds it’s true.

~~~

He wraps his arm around her waist and gently pulls her in, kissing her deep and slow. Running his hand through her hair the smell of lilac and vanilla fills his lungs. He’s missed this scent so much. It makes him giddy with excitement. He grabs her by the back of her thighs and gently scoops her up and towards the bedroom.

They fall onto the bed with a plop. Casey frantically running her hands all over his body. He grabs both her hands and puts them up above her head, he kisses her neck steady and slow, licking down her neck and nibbling on her ear. When he hears a groan escapes her lips he smirks into her neck and does it again. No longer able to contain herself Casey bucks her hips up

He tucks his arm under her waist drawing her closer. Her cheeks are slightly rosy, face glistens with sweat. She looks absolutely stunning. He wants to kiss her until he’s out of breath.

“Stay with me tonight.” He says breathlessly

Casey nods “ok“

“I mean it. Don’t leave this time please.”

Casey smiles again and softly pecks him on the cheek. “I promise”

She nestles into his body and in that moment Jungkook feels so damn happy he could burst.

He wakes up the next morning the warm sun on his face, he stretches reaching out for Casey. But when he doesn’t feel anything he opens his eyes and realises that she’s gone.

#networkbangtan #kpocwriters #i'm posting this again because im currently working on the next part

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alcoholicseraphim · 7 years

Text

The Year Before Tomorrow

Chapter Six- Year I- Spiraling Indignation

Christmas Day was an ordinary affair. Hermione's presents filtered in by owl mail one by one, and Hermione would open them with very little actual excitement. She received books from everyone, of course. That wasn't any different from what she'd been used to in her old life, so she wasn't disappointed.

The thing about Christmas, however, was there were quite a few people who decided to make a night of it at whichever bar was most handy. By the end of an exhausting shift, Hermione welcomed the solitude and relative quiet of her bedroom.

Echo still refused to be left behind, but she was remarkably good at staying quiet while they were in public. Hermione didn't feel safe enough yet to leave the Hog's Head, however.

The phoenix was maturing at a remarkable rate. Her feathers were growing in, and she wasn't quite so small. Whereas when she hatched she had been about the size of a baby bluebird, in a short time she had become the size of a Quaffle. Soon Echo wouldn't be so easily hidden.

Hermione still talked to Echo as if she could respond. Phoenixes were intelligent enough to learn human speech, after all, so why not?

She was halfway through her book when there was a knock at her door. Opening the door just enough to see who it was, Aberforth's blue eyes peered back at her. "Someone here to see you," he said succinctly, as was his wont.

The time-traveler shut the door again and turned to Echo. "Who do you think it could be? It's Christmas. Who would come visit me on Christmas?" Echo gave a small breathy sound, which Hermione took to mean, I have no idea.

Several moments later, Echo safely tucked away in her pocket, Hermione found herself on the main floor of the pub, staring incredulously at one Sirius Black.

"You're telling me," she said slowly, "that you showed up at my workplace because you were bored? Why not go to Potter's place? Why are you here this late, anyway? The pub is closed, mate."

Sirius was puffed up like a bloody peacock. "You live here," he said triumphantly. "Lily said that you were staying with some relatives, but you're living here."

Hermione took a deep breath through her nose. "So?"

"Are you living here because you don't have anyone? Anyone at all?" Sirius's grin had faded to almost nothing. He wasn't even trying to look sad but Hermione wanted to give him a hug. It aggravated her.

"I live here now. I have Aberforth, and it's close to the school. I have everything I need. I get paid a decent amount, and room and board is paid for. Why would I be upset by that?" She said, skirting around the actual question neatly.

Sirius took the bait. He frowned at her. "I'm sure James and his family would let you stay with them," he said.

He was clearly delusional. James, willingly allowing her into his house? Dealing with her every day? Pointing out Sirius's best mate's aversion to her company seemed besides the point, so instead she just said, "Did you not hear me? I've got everything I need here. Why don't you go back to wherever you sleep and leave me be?" Hermione crossed her arms, chest heaving. This boy was really starting to be irritating. Echo stirred against her stomach, and Hermione realized that she needed to calm down before her phoenix got riled enough to betray her presence.

Sirius followed her advice after a few moments of apprehensive staring.

She found herself thinking about his actions. Why would Sirius go out in the middle of the night- on Christmas, no less- to visit her at the Hog's Head just to prove that she had no family? It made no sense. And why did he care that much, anyway?

His motivations were entirely a mystery to her. Hermione was about as fascinated as she was annoyed.

*|II8II|*

The first day back at Hogwarts was full of hugging and other displays of affection, which Hermione did her best to stay away from. Sirius had evidently told tales of her frosty behavior on Christmas because all of the Marauders were walking on eggshells with her. Did she really blame them? She'd been distant ever since Echo had hatched.

Lily was the only one who acted normally around her. Hermione was beginning to suspect that it wasn't just her reported attitude that had set the Marauders off, because the way they were acting was far too dramatic for just that.

Their reasons were their own, and Hermione's curiosity didn't really extend so far as to cause her to actively find out why they were acting the way they were. She was fairly satisfied with such a simple explanation as "boys are weird and do weird things for weird reasons".

That was before a giant water balloon smashed over her head on the third day back.

She wiped the water out of her eyes, casting a significant glance at Lily, who waved her wand and dried Hermione off. Hermione had had no choice but to tell Lily that she could no longer cast spells, saying that she'd been cursed and was researching how to reverse it. Lily had handled it with the grace of someone whose problem it wasn't and was only too happy to help her with such small things.

The time-traveler had survived Draco Malfoy and the Weasley twins, and Merlin knew she would survive the Marauders.

Only this thought allowed her to keep a tranquil expression as she went back to her food. She didn't dare even glance at the Marauders, for fear of seeing them laughing at her. Hermione knew that she wouldn't be able to stay calm if they were.

Lily was glaring down the table, and Hermione allowed herself to be satisfied by that.

James probably looked appropriately shame-faced, since Lily getting mad at him wasn't his intention. Sirius was probably laughing so hard his face was red by now, Remus was probably looking around at his friends with an amused smile, and Peter was probably staring at someone with awe. There; no need to look at them after all.

"I'm so sorry, Hermione," Lily whispered fervently, still glaring daggers at her boyfriend and his friends.

Hermione shrugged. "No harm done," she responded through imperceptibly clenched teeth. She hoped she looked nonchalant. The last thing Hermione wanted was to give them the satisfaction of seeing that she could be rattled this easily.

She left the Great Hall early, Lily trailing after her with a concerned look on her face. "Are you okay?" Lily asked. "You've been a bit off since we got back. Was your family all right?"

Guilt crashed over Hermione. Of course Lily was still in the dark. Would it be too risky to reveal her true situation now, before Sirius or James did? Would Lily be angry with her for lying?

"Look, Lily. I sort of want to talk to you about something. Do you have anywhere to be?"

"Nope," said Lily, the anxious look even more pronounced. "What's wrong?"

Hermione tugged absently on one of her curls. "The thing is, I don't really have a family. I stay at the Hog's Head during holidays."

Lily's face crumpled. After a few long seconds, she whispered, "Really? You lied about having somewhere to stay?"

"Yeah... I did..." Hermione crossed one arm over her body as they walked, clutching desperately at the strap of her bag.

"You don't need to do that, Hermione. You're welcome to stay with me, if you can put up with my sister," Lily offered, brow furrowed and a deep frown etched into her face.

"No, that's very kind of you, but I'm actually really happy at the pub. The patrons like me and Aberforth pays me. I have a room all to myself where people rarely disturb me. It's really great, truly." Why did Hermione feel the need to justify her living arrangements?

Lily brushed her hair behind her ear, an action that mirrored Harry's habit of smoothing his hair down. "A pub, Hermione? How did you ever decide that was a good idea?"

"Look here," said Hermione, beginning to get irritated. "It's where I live. It's where I work. It's not like I strip my clothes off for money, Lily, I just clean and pour out alcohol for customers. Where do you get off telling me how to live? What would you do if you didn't have a house? Starve on the street? As far as living arrangements go, I can't really think of any place better. Now get off your high horse and quit sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. This is exactly why I lied, you know."

"I'm just worried!" Lily said, voice raising in volume. "It doesn't sound very safe, and you're sixteen, Hermione! Don't tell me that you can defend yourself against someone who's physically stronger than you and has finished school."

She had a point, Hermione acknowledged internally. Lily had no way of knowing that she was actually in her twenties and used to fight Death Eaters and win. Besides, Hermione didn't see herself winning any fights, at least not until her magic recovered. Hermione breathed in deeply, doing her best to calm down. "I understand why you're concerned," she began softly, regretting her earlier harsh words. "But the circumstances will not change. It's exceedingly unlikely that I'll be targeted, and I rarely leave the Hog's Head anyway. What magical prowess I lack, Aberforth makes up for in spades; that's not even mentioning our customers."

Lily frowned, probably still a bit nettled. "Still, Hermione... I'd prefer you stay with me, or one of your other friends..."

"Do you see any 'other friends', Lil? And even if I had anyone else, I'd still stay in the pub. Just think of it as an inn if it makes you feel better."

The pair lapsed into silence, and Lily nodded before walking away quickly, eyes unnaturally shiny. Hermione sighed. Lily would need some time to cool off.

Hermione's day was entirely too exhausting to also face an irate James Potter.

"What did you do to upset Lily?" he asked, voice an angry roar.

"That's between the two of us, Potter. None of your business. Now if you don't mind-" Hermione turned to go into the common room, but James grabbed her arm.

"She's crying, Granger. It's your fault, and I want you to fix it."

"Oh, really?" hissed Hermione, whipping around to face him. Lily hadn't deserved her ire, but this boy certainly did. "It's just assumed that I'm in the wrong? I'm sorry she's crying, really, I am, but that's not anything I can fix. Now get your hands off of me before I blast them off. Don't you dare ever touch me again." She shook him off, her glare letting him know that she would gladly dismember him and sell the parts. "And don't think I've forgotten the water balloon that you and your cronies popped over my head! Are you children, is that what you are? It certainly seems like it, with such petty pranks and infantile possessiveness!"

James stepped back, blocking the portrait. His face was twisted and menacing, but Hermione was too furious to care.

"I'm tired, Potter. What happens between Lily and I is absolutely none of your business. Just because you fancy her doesn't make you her keeper! Now let me go to bed," she spat.

"It's approaching curfew, children. Perhaps you both should come inside and forget this nonsense," the Fat Lady piped up.

Hermione jumped slightly. She'd forgotten that the Fat Lady was there, observing the whole thing. "She's right. Come on," she said, recovering her equilibrium. Pushing James gently aside, who was put off guard by her abrupt change in mood, she recited the password and disappeared inside before he could stop her again.

*|II8II|*

Echo stared at her from her perch on the faucet. Hermione could have sworn that the phoenix was disappointed in her. "It's not my fault," she told her. "James was out of line. And Lily was sticking her nose where it didn't belong."

Echo kept looking.

"Okay, fine, maybe it's a little bit my fault. But could I have avoided it, really?"

Echo tilted her head just slightly and waddled forward.

Hermione sighed. "Stop looking at me, you over-glorified bird."

Should she apologize? What would she even be apologizing for? She shouldn't have told Lily while she was still worrying about the thing with Snape. That was evident then, as she sat on the floor of the loo glaring into her lap. "Can't I just go back to the Hog's Head?" she complained. "This whole friendship thing is hard. I believe I prefer assassinating Death Eaters."

The phoenix chirped enthusiastically, bobbing her head. Of course, she didn't understand Hermione's words. What had she expected?

"I need to go back out there and comfort Lily... I guess..."

She stood with some difficulty, using the sink to pull herself back up. Once Echo was stowed away in her pocket she emerged into the girls' dorm. Lily was still sniffling in her bed, laying down over the covers with her back toward Hermione.

"Lily," Hermione started. She noticed that the other girls were tactfully ignoring them, but still probably listening to every word. "Do you want to... talk about it?"

She could barely make out the shaky "No."

Hermione shrugged. There was little she could do at this point. She sat on her bed and drew her curtains around her. She'd had the curtains charmed to allow no sound to escape. It was a favor she'd asked from Dumbledore. Between Echo's clearly inhuman sounds and Hermione's nightmares there was plenty for her dorm mates to worry about, should they hear anything. She changed out of her uniform into her nightshirt there; she wouldn't want the girls to notice the scar she'd received from Dolohov in her fifth year. She had other scars, as most people did, but they were minor and had unimpressive stories behind them.

The phoenix crawled under her shirt and settled next to her heart. Hermione imagined she took comfort from hearing the steady heartbeat.

Hermione stroked the feathers hesitantly. She was grateful for Echo's presence, as always. Hermione got cold very easily nowadays, and Echo was a small furnace. Phoenixes are firebirds, after all. The obvious love that Echo held for Hermione was even warmer.

With these thoughts in her mind, Hermione did her best to forget about this whole Lily business for the night. She needed to sleep.

*|II8II|*

Everyone was glacial around Hermione for the next few days. She didn't really mind. At least they were ignoring her, and she could do more of what she needed to do.

The timeline was somewhat confusing around this time period. Voldemort had already created the Locket Horcrux, quite a few years before. However, he wouldn't put it in that cave until Regulus Black became a Death Eater. That would be... this year. Sirius had been disowned the summer before his sixth year, and Regulus was forced to become a Death Eater in his place. Regulus was in his fifth year. If he was fifteen yet, it could only be recently...

Hermione felt the urge to throw up. A child was forced to join Voldemort's ranks. Oh, Merlin. A child was forced to torture and kill others... He wasn't old enough to make that choice for himself. In that moment, Hermione felt an all-consuming hatred for Walburga Black. She was the one who pressured Regulus into this.

She barely made it to the toilet before she emptied her stomach into it.

As she cleaned her teeth, Hermione resolved to do what she could for Regulus.

That was all well and good, Hermione realized after several days of trying to be friendly, but she was a Gryffindor. She had to stop trying to get a Death Eater to be her friend. It wasn't going to work, and even if it did, it would invite punishment for him. That was the very last thing she wanted.

Sirius had been giving her angry, quizzical looks lately. It must be because of her sudden interest in the brother he supposedly hated so much. He had to be wondering at her reasons.

James was quick enough to denounce her as a Slytherin whore. He didn't say it to her face, but she'd heard his comments. They were usually very loud to his friends where he knew she would hear. Lily was there sometimes, and she never said anything. That hurt Hermione quite a bit.

Usually she would escape to Hogsmeade. Aberforth didn't care that she was technically sneaking out to come work there. She knew he wouldn't. It was welcome, his silence. He had his thoughts, she had hers, and they left each other alone. There were no games or schemes there.

When Hermione was done with a shift, she would visit Keane, some nights. He seemed to care more about Echo than he did about her, but she didn't mind. In fact, she was amused. She often let him hold Echo and stare at her while she looked for books.

There was no room beyond the Dark that day. Keane told her that that didn't mean there weren't any more rooms she could access, it just meant that it wasn't time. Hermione could understand that, and satisfied herself with poring over the Light books. Her fingers itched to go through the Dark books, but Hermione knew better. She would work through each room systematically, and once she had built up a veritable wall around her, she would disappear into the world of learning for hours.

Showing up to dinner at Hogwarts didn't really matter to her anymore. Or the other meals, really. Sometimes she would eat while at Aberforth's. It was enough.

The others seemed happy to pretend she didn't exist. Wouldn't it be easier if she weren't there? Hogwarts wasn't teaching her anything, anyway.

Sleep was a little harder, too. It was fine, though. Hadn't she always done this? She had a lot to do, and a lot of things to read. Her body was used to it, even at sixteen. Occasionally a patron at the Hog's Head would tell her that she needed "to get some meat on your bones, little Miss". Hermione would laugh heartily and tell them that they needed another drink.

Echo grew steadily larger, and soon even seemed to understand Hermione's words. She renewed her attempts to teach the phoenix written language. It was slow going, but verbal comprehension helped. Keane was increasingly fascinated with Echo.

Aberforth still didn't know, but Hermione wasn't overly anxious about him finding out, either. It was only the patrons she was worried about. Echo still didn't like being left behind. It wasn't even surreal anymore. It had been months since Hermione had been truly alone, so naturally, she had gotten used to it.

*|II8II|*

"Please stop shutting us out," said Lily from the doorway.

Hermione didn't even know how to respond. Indignation reared its head, and Hermione tried half-heartedly to fight it back down. It was a losing battle. "You'd better explain what you mean," she whispered quietly, effectively concealing her shakiness.

Lily didn't appear to be joking. "You've been avoiding us for three weeks now. I thought we were friends, but I guess you decided... decided you didn't need us anymore..."

What kind of guilting shite was this? Hermione shook her head. They were in the dorms, so she couldn't claim that this wasn't the time... and she was a Gryffindor, wasn't she? This was a conversation they'd be having eventually, so it was probably best to just meet it head on. "I wasn't avoiding you," she said slowly, not even realizing it was a lie until it was out of her mouth. Too late, she supposed. "And we are still friends." So stop being so dramatic, would you?

"Where were you, then? You don't really come to meals anymore, and you don't sleep here most nights." Lily was about to cry, Hermione observed. She wished she had the patience for all of this.

"I was busy." Her tone was clipped. She didn't have time for this. "I don't know about you, but your boyfriend and his cronies certainly don't tolerate me well anymore. You have noticed, haven't you?" Don't you dare lie. I know you have.

Lily nodded, tears spilling over onto her cheeks.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hermione pulled Lily into an embrace, figuring a physical display of affection was the swiftest way to a reconciliation.

It seemed to be working, actually. Lily wrapped her arms around Hermione's middle and sobbed, clinging desperately to her. Hermione shifted subtly to avoid Lily touching Echo.

That movement seemed to remind Lily of a question. "Why do you wear your robes all the time now? It's been since we all got back from Christmas, I think." It seemed Lily did have some shred of tact left in her, because she didn't mention Hermione's living arrangements. She smiled into Lily's hair.

Lily pulled back after some time, cheeriness back in her shining eyes. "We're good, then?" she said in typical Gryffindor fashion.

Hermione nodded, somewhat impatiently. She hadn't missed being a teenager.

She should have anticipated it, but she was still too shocked to resist as Lily dragged her down to the Common Room. The Marauders were equally surprised to see the girls in front of them. Lily had obviously been crying, but she was happy enough now. Hermione watched James's eyes rake over them both, lingering in concern on Lily's red eyes and with contempt on Hermione's hair. Hermione glared back. Just because she and Lily had made up didn't mean she and James would ever settle back into the tentative truce they'd enjoyed.

Peter gave a small wave, which Hermione acknowledged with a smile. He was a little pathetic, yes, but she couldn't help but be nice to him.

Remus studied her from behind his book. He did not make direct eye contact, but he never did before, so Hermione discounted it.

Sirius seemed truly glad to see her. He jumped up and hugged her, leaving Hermione to try not to flinch or be too overly awkward. She wanted to shove him off, but this was not the time. That would hurt him. He was showing her that he accepted her back into the fold and that he forgave her, so it would be awful of her to reject that.

Since when did she care about the boy getting hurt?

There was one problem, though. Sirius's hugs were full-body, with lots of pressing and entwining. Hermione could feel Echo's annoyance, and she prayed that she wouldn't move too much or make a sound.

Praying was not enough. Echo squawked and tried to escape, ending up outside her robes, clinging on. Sirius let go entirely and took a step back, eyeing the phoenix apprehensively. Echo clambered up Hermione's body to perch delicately on her shoulder.

Hermione could feel their eyes on her, some accusing, some excited, but all confused.

"Say hello, then, Echo," Hermione said resignedly.

#tybt #harry potter fanfiction #multi-chapter

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travisandersondatingblog · 6 years

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How To Start Dating Again: 5 Powerful Tips To Get You Back Out There

8You’ve been out of the game so long, you’re not even sure where to begin. Whether you’ve been married and then divorced or simply were in a long-term relationship that recently ended, it’s understandable that you’d be apprehensive about how to start dating again.

After all, the dating landscape has changed. Significantly.

Where in your 20s, you didn’t worry about much beyond whether he was going to call (on your landline, at that), now you have to deal with online dating, dick pics (yea, they’re real), and textiquette. All that on top of not being entirely sure what you want in a man at this point in your life.

At one point, you were desperately looking for a husband so you could settle down and have the whole 2.5 kids and white picket fence.

Now? You’re not sure you need that anymore. And if you do still want it, you want to ensure you don’t make the same mistakes you made with the last bozo.

It’s scary to get back to dating, for sure. But trust me that once you take that first brave step of getting started, you’ll quickly learn how to start dating again.

It’s like riding a bike. You never really forget what you’re doing. The bike might be electric these days, but you’ve still got the skills. Trust me on that.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #1: Make A List Of What You Are Looking For

Making a list of what you want in a man can bring you clarity.

If you’ve genuinely healed from whatever past pain you suffered in your last relationship and are ready to find love again, start by using your past to shape your future.

You already know what you don’t want in a man (a cheater, liar, or lazy good-for-nothing), so focus on what you do want. Making a list of the qualities and characteristics you want in a boyfriend or partner is an excellent way to get clear on what you’re looking for.

Your list can be as detailed as you want. Hell, it can be as superficial as you want. No one’s going to see it but you.

I want a man who…

is rich.

is funny.

drives a red sports car.

has a big…

You do you, lady. Be honest about the things that are important to you, because that’s what you want to attract.

And while you might be tempted to write what you don’t want (I don’t want a man who can’t express himself), it’s been proven that using negative statements produces negative results. There’s a belief with the Law of Attraction that if you say I don’t want a man who can’t express himself, the Universe only hears a man who can’t express himself, and assumes that is what you want.

So try rephrasing it: I want a man who can express himself fully.

Think it’s mumbo-jumbo? Give it a try anyway. What’s the harm in putting what you want in a man out there as you learn how to start dating again?

As you start learning how to start dating again, your list of what you want in a partner may look significantly different than it would have in your 20s, and that’s okay. Here are a few things you might want to include:

Whether he should want to get married or not/has been married before

Whether he wants kids/has kids

Physical appearance

Income and education

Personality (funny, intelligent, witty)

Interests (sports, travel, reading)

Bonus Tip: Keep your list where you can look at it often. As you start to meet men, see how many items they can check off your list of wants. While you might not meet a man with 100% of the items on your list, you can at least keep focused on what you want so that when you meet men that in no way fit what you’re looking for, you can quickly move on.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #2: Get Into The Mindset of Having Fun

I’ve met a lot of women that, as they’re learning how to start dating again, simply get paralyzed at the prospect of getting back out there. The idea of getting on a dating app, meeting someone for coffee, or even texting a man fills them with fear.

Do you feel the same?

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Him: So, tell me about yourself.

You: [thinking] Uhhh…what do I say? What does he want to hear? What’s the right thing to say to make him fall in love with me?? AGGG!

Let me just say: dating isn’t a job interview. It’s not the Miss America pageant. You will not be graded.

The man you go out with next does not have to be your life partner. Heck, you don’t even have to go on another date with him if you don’t want.

Dating is supposed to be fun!

Once you can shift your thinking away from it being a stressful chore and toward it being enjoyable, you’ll be able to lighten up and relax. And when you’re relaxed, you’re better able to open up to the guys you meet.

You’ll likely go on a lot of first dates as you look for The One. If your attitude isn’t ugg, not another first date that will end abysmally, you might actually have a good time. At the very least, you get coffee or a meal out of it. And even if you don’t feel romantic sparks, you might find a new friend. Maybe your next date will be your new hiking buddy. Maybe he’ll eventually introduce you to his friend, who you fall for. You just never know.

So don’t set your expectations so high for dating. As you adjust to how to start dating again, be open to dating being another activity you do to be social and have fun.

Bonus Tip: You might get tired of going on the same types of dates over and over again, so take control next time and suggest a fun venue like mini golf, hiking, or a picnic to shake things up and keep things new.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #3: Try Something New

Give something new like online dating a try.

You might have sworn that you would never ever in 1,000 years try online dating.

Let me ask you: why?

Why would you write off a proven channel for meeting men who are looking for a relationship?

Dating apps aren’t just for people looking to hook up on Tinder. In fact, you might be more likely to find the guy you’re going to marry on an app.

In a study funded by eHarmony and published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, researchers found that people who had met their spouses online had more satisfying marriages than those who met their spouses offline. There was also less incident of separation or divorce for those who met online.

So what’s the harm in trying it out? Set up a profile, peruse a few men’s profiles, and see what happens. I bet you’ll get a message from a hottie that will get you excited and thinking differently about online dating.

Bonus Tip: Try at least two different dating apps or sites to start with, because they all have slightly different features. Bumble, which allows you to swipe right on guys you’re interested in, lets you make the first move in starting a conversation. OKCupid and Match have large pools of men and more detailed profile data, and either the man or the woman can initiate conversation.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #4: Update Your Routine

Learn to start dating again by updating your routine.

The older you are, the harder it seems to be to meet people. While in some ways that’s true if you have continued the same patterns you’ve always had (go to work, go to store, come home), it doesn’t have to be your reality. The trick is to get into a new routine that will maximize your opportunity to meet potential dates and to see opportunity everywhere.

You might not have considered the gym as being a great place to meet men, but 47% of Americans find that to be true. And just think: it’s one more motivating reason to put on your yoga pants and head there, even if you feel like eating ice cream on the couch.

Singles mixers are another place that can be great for making contacts.

Check Meetup.com to see what events target the demographic of men you’re trying to meet, then grab a single girlfriend (or be brave and go alone) and have a good time. Again, set your expectations low; you may not meet Prince Charming, but you might get your dance on, which you might not have done for years. Be confident, talk to as many people as possible, and don’t be shy about giving your number to that cute guy with the nerdy glasses.

Make being open to meeting someone part of your new routine. If you’ve taken my advice offered on how to start dating again by venturing into online dating, plan to spend 5-10 minutes each day browsing men’s profiles, sending messages, and responding to messages. Schedule at least one singles mixer event a month. Fit more opportunities into your schedule.

Bonus Tip: One great way to invite new opportunities into your life is to start saying yes more. If a friend invites you to a party with people you don’t know, resist your habit of saying no. You never know who you’ll meet. Say yes to trying new things like attending a ball game or kayaking. Even if you don’t meet a man, you will expand your experiences, and that makes for a more well-rounded and therefore attractive woman when you do meet a guy.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #5: Be Optimistic About Love

Believe in love again.

One of the biggest barriers to adjusting to how to start dating again at 40 (or 30 or whenever) is a mental one. You’ve been hurt before, and your heart wants to protect itself from future pain.

If I date again, I’ll attract the same narcissistic asshole.

I can’t risk being vulnerable again.

If my 17-year marriage wasn’t love, then love doesn’t exist.

Your mind tells yourself all kinds of things to keep you from risking pain again. But you know the saying: no pain, no gain. Look, I can’t promise you that you’ll never get hurt again in love. Probably you will. We all do. But that’s part of it. That’s the price you pay for eventually finding the kind of lasting and beautiful love you have only dreamed of until now.

So believe in love again. Be open to falling madly, deeply into it. Because if you base your opinion about love on the last guy who broke your heart, you’re doing yourself a disservice. He wasn’t love. If he was, it wouldn’t have ended. So yes, you might have wasted years with the wrong man, but now you’ve freed yourself from him and are completely open to finding real, true love.

And this should make you feel better: a study by Kingston University found that women are happier after divorce. They’re no longer settling for a Good Enough relationship. They know they’re worth more than the last man made them feel they were worth. They’re optimistic about love. You can be too.

Bonus Tip: Even if you can’t possibly believe that love is around the corner, pretend that you believe it. Use the “fake it ’til you feel it” strategy to convince yourself that you can find love. Don’t believe that will work? A study waaay back in the 20th century by Victorian philosopher William James proves otherwise. James had a theory (though, unfortunately, no one really took it seriously until much later) that forcing a smile should make you feel happy, and frowning should make you feel sad.

He further hypothesized that people could create any feeling simply by acting as if they were experiencing that emotion. So go ahead. Prove William James right. Pretend that you believe love will come your way soon and see what happens.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #6: Take Your Time

Take your time getting to know him.

One issue I see time and time again with women who are getting back into the dating game is that they rush it. Some may simply want the comfort of being in another relationship quickly and may rush the dating process to get to that familiarity. Others may simply not want to be in the dating pool and may settle for the first guy that looks their way.

What’s your excuse? Why do you want to rush into a relationship?

The first reason I urge you to take your time as you navigate how to start dating again is that you’ll probably need more time than you imagine to heal from the pain you’ve been through if you had a traumatic breakup or divorce. I know that just a few months after the end of one relationship, you can feel like you’re totally ready to move on, but believe me: you might not really be.

What will dating do to you when it reminds you of those unresolved trust issues you thought you were past? Will you come undone the first time you have sex with someone new? Will you be defensive with every guy you date, assuming he’ll break your heart like the last one?

And even if you have fully healed from past relationships (experts say it can take 6 weeks for a shorter relationship, and months or even years for a long marriage), there’s still plenty of reason to take things slow when first getting to know a new man.

Think about how long it took you to really know your past partner. It might have been a year or more before you knew every quirky thing about him. Every fear. All his past stories. When you learn how to start dating again, the first thing you might realize is: wow, I don’t know this guy at all. You’ve got to start that getting-to-know-you process all over again.

And that takes time.

But take it from me: there’s something completely beautiful about the process of getting to know someone and in falling in love. So go slow. Don’t rush it. Savor every last minute of it. Because if this particular guy is the one, you’ll one day look back and remember these early days fondly. Even if you’re going on dates with multiple people, take your time and enjoy the single life. One day you won’t be single, and you want your memories of this period of your life to be pleasant.

Bonus Tip: If you get frustrated with dating, take a break in between. It’s perfectly okay to have some “you time” in between where you aren’t focused on finding someone to quell your loneliness. Because in truth, you have to be okay being alone before you can be a good partner to someone else.

How To Start Dating Again Tip #7: Accept That Some Things are Different

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