#because again autonomy is a reason to lose interest in being your friend at least and reason to shun you at most | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elijahkelly · 2 months

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2/21/2024

Probably the last time I update here. At least for a while. I have a hunch that someone who was asked to respect my privacy and not look at this content has violated my trust. If that's the case, and said individual is reading this now, the damage is irreparable. You've gone against my wishes and really proven to me that I will never have a shred of privacy again for as long as I live. So I'm just going to say my piece and be on my way. And if you're reading this like I think you are and like you know you shouldn't be, you better read every fucking word.

I don't think I care about my life anymore. At least not right now. Not in a suicidal sense, but more in a "my existence is inconsequential and unimportant" kind of way. I don't contribute to the world in a way that matters. When I observe the people around me, I see how they interact, how they love and care for one another, how they want each other around, how they need each other for stability. I see them inviting each other to things, genuinely wanting to spend as much time with one another as possible. I see love, camaraderie, belonging, and happiness. But what l don't see is myself playing any of those roles for anyone. I feel inconsequential, irrelevant, invisible. No one needs or wants me for any of those reasons.

My mind can't help convince me that when it comes to myself, nobody in my life has a sense of object permanence. I only exist when I'm being directly observed. I only matter when I'm in the room. More specifically, I only matter when I'm making people laugh. My only value comes from humor. If I'm not cracking jokes, I might as well not be there. No one cares about what's going on behind the facade, no one is interested in who Eli is. I think that's why l've devoted myself to caring so much about my own personal details. Nobody else seems to care, so l'm forced to compensate. I write down things that happen that I want to remember because nobody else will remember for me. I write about myself because nobody else seems to care enough to pay attention. It feels like the only person who cares about any details about me is myself, and I'm only doing it because someone has to. So am I doomed to be the only one that cares about myself until I'm gone? What kind of life is that?

I'm the cruelest joke of all.

I'm isolated from two of my closest friends, two people who did so well to actually make me feel like I belong on this earth. They don't like Dylan and Dylan doesn't like them. They aren't welcome in his apartment. He doesn't want to hear me talk about them. He rolls his eyes and says "oh" when he sees me texting one of them. To the extent that I feel guilty for talking to, interacting with, and at this point even thinking about them. I don't even know what happened at this point.

What I do know is that the person I love most in the world is keeping me from being around two people who make me feel like my existence matters. He insists that he's not stopping me from seeing them, which is true in a physical sense, but he is stopping me from seeing them in a psychological sense. Of course I'm going to harbor guilt about wanting to see people that he doesn't like. Of course there's going to be mental dissonance about loving people who aren't welcome in your boyfriend's apartment. It's gotten to the point where Dylan's winning; I don't see them anymore, we barely talk, and I know they spend a lot of time together without me. I'm losing them, if they aren't lost already.

I am on Dylan's team. I'm devoted to him. But I'd be lying if I smiled and pretended that it doesn't hurt to lose two people who I love so much. My heart aches because I feel them slipping through my fingers like sand. No matter how hard I clench my fists together the grains still find a way to fall through. Is this what I get for seeking autonomy? Trying to establish an identity outside of my relationship? When I met them, I wanted my friendship with them to be distinct from my other friends, who knew me through Dylan and think of me as secondary to him. Now they aren't welcome here. Is it a coincidence? Is my individuality being snuffed out? Am I fated to be a trophy partner? To sit on a shelf and smile and crack jokes when people look at me?

I don't think this is what it feels like to be loved. To belong. To be appreciated. To be wanted. Valued. Considered. Cared for. Remembered. This can't be what it feels like.

Am I happy? Am I doing this correctly? Nobody told me how to do this or what it's supposed to be like. I'm just a scared kid. I don't have instructions or a guideline to follow, I'm just a 21 year old. What do I do? How do I navigate this? Do I give up? Do I stop caring? Concede? Will I feel better once my brain stops developing? I still have some maturing to do. Are my fears and doubts a product of my immaturity? Or are they logical? Based in reason? How am I supposed to find the answers to all of this? It's horrifying, and the pressure is crushing me.

I hope to update here again someday. I hope to have more trust in my heart when that happens. I hope to have resolve over this turmoil. I hope to have grown and reached understanding. I hope there will be a next midnight in Paris.

Let me know when you're done reading.

Bye.

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variousqueerthings · 3 years

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Daniel LaRusso: A Queer Feminine Fairytale Analysis Part Three of Three

(another massive, massive thank you to @mimsyaf )

part 1

part 2

8. Queerness and femininity and masculinity and the colour red and *record breaks*

If we spin the record aaalll the way back to this paragraph: “…looking at what it is girls and women in fairytales have/don’t have, what they want, and how they’re going to get it. It’s about power (lack of), sexuality (repressed, then liberated), and men.” Reading Daniel as a repressed, bisexual boy in a society that doesn’t accept his desires it’s interesting looking at how he moves through the world of the Miyagi-verse, at how threatened other men are by him, at how obsessed they are with him.

He’s out in the symbolic woods and these large boys and men see him and decide for whatever plot reasons to come for him. And they are large and violent and attractive and apart from Johnny again, they don’t have the nebulous excuse of fighting over a girl and even that excuse dies by around the midpoint when Johnny kisses Ali just to get a rise out of Daniel. He’s not trying to “win her back,” he’s not even really looking at her. He’s just trying to get a reaction. They don’t have any of the fighters in Rocky’s excuse either of Daniel being a macho opponent.

You can read whatever subtext into TKK1 and TKK2 (which becomes especially tempting once CK confirmed that the guys he fought at seventeen have been thinking about him ever since – for thirty-five years), but TKK3 is where it’s really At in terms of obsession and lust and forbidden desires.

Silver is presented as both a handsome prince who saves Daniel and mentors him (where Miyagi is undoubtedly cast in a fatherhood role) and later on becomes twisted into a dark secret that Daniel has to keep, while he turns that thing that Daniel loves (karate, it’s… it’s karate… it’s also men, but it’s definitely karate, because karate makes him feel… things...) into an abusive, violent version of itself.

A wolf in sheep’s clothing.

But he’s also offering him something liberating. Whatever is going on in that nightclub scene is about something other than breaking Daniel down. Even the bloodied knuckles aren’t just about revenge. It’s about giving him something that he isn’t, in the end, willing to receive, at least not from Silver. In that roundabout, strange way of these feminine fairytales, it’s exploring hidden desires through the metaphor of karate.

Daniel wears red because it’s his colour. In the movies he wears red a lot. Often in scenes with violence in them (the beach/the hilltop in TKK1 and the date/the destruction of the dojo/the final fight in TKK2), but he also has a variety of shirts (and in TKK3 pants) that pop up all the way through the narrative. He wears a red jacket when he accepts Terry’s training, when he punches a guy in the face, and when he tries to get out of the training again (as badly as that goes).

Did anyone consciously think about red’s link to desire, obsession, and violence when they made these? Eh. But is it there symbolically? When he meets Johnny, when he fights Chozen, when he’s in emotionally fraught situations with Terry? Hell yeah.

Probably the most lust-and-violence infused red is that aforementioned punching-board-until-knuckles-bleed bit – not that I thought Terry was going to pull him in for a kiss, because I knew, logically, of course he wouldn’t right? There’s no way… is there? Or later on when Daniel punches that guy and ends up with blood all over his shirt and Terry once more grasps him, euphorically. Blood is violence. Blood is also desire. Red is Daniel’s colour, even though he doesn’t acknowledge it come Cobra Kai. (Maybe he just needs someone else - cough Johnny Lawrence cough - to inspire it in him again).

Daniel LaRusso’s narrative is exploring that most feminine of fairytale tropes: To want and be wanted by monsters and having to hide those desires.

“Maybe this time that strange churning in my stomach that feels like a mix of anticipation and fear will turn out good for me.” - Daniel’s mind.

At the end of the story, Daniel saves himself, with all of the strange mixed narratives around it, and the acknowledgement that the end of The Karate Kid Part Three isn’t satisfying and its aftermath will likely be delved into in the next season of Cobra Kai.

Nevertheless, he saves himself. Not from Silver or Kreese or Barnes, and not entirely, but he makes a decision not to give in to fear (and he continues to try and live by that decision, making it over and over again for the next thirty-five years, even when the return of Cobra Kai makes that difficult for him).

He doesn’t do it by being the strongest in the land or even through a lucky shot (although that too). He does it by refusing to be like the male antagonists that surround him, by telling them they have no power over him. The narrative isn’t just his getting lost in the forest and all the monsters he finds there, it’s about how he redefines power for himself within that forest.

He’s a man who isn’t violent, whose victories include helping out a girl whose ex-boyfriend just broke her radio, successfully doing the moves to a cultural dance he’s trying to learn, sitting with his father figure while he cries over the death of his own father, telling a girl that she’s just made her first friend, and breathing a sigh of relief that a tree that got broken has healed.

Daniel LaRusso is a good boy is the point!

Karate is a metaphor. It can turn into many things: A series of lessons learned about how to be his own man and take care of his own house, a respect for the history of the father teaching him and sharing his home and story with him, fear, desire, masculinity (and the different forms that can take).

When a tall, handsome stranger offers to teach him karate in the dark, without Daniel’s caretaker knowing how to help him, and twists that karate into something that hurts him - when he reclaims that, over and over, that means something too.

This man is fine and definitely isn’t carrying the weight of buried karate-based queer trauma - could a traumatised man do this? *stares blankly at a former tormentor as blood runs down his forehead*

9. In Conclusion Daniel Has Kissed Dudes… Symbolically… But We Can HC Literally:

So there’s Daniel and his coded feminine fairytale narrative. It’s all a series of fun coincidences.

1. Ralph Macchio is just Like That

2. Red. All the red.

3. large portion of his storyline is about lack of power. Yes, he regains that power by the end of the first and second movie through A Fight, but generally he is framed as powerless opposite these almost monstrously physically powerful boys/men. And in the third one it’s barely even about physical prowess (he’d still lose a real fight against Barnes or Silver) and more about regaining lost autonomy off the back of a manipulative, abusive relationship with an older guy.

4. The third movie in particular is narratively a mess, but if reimagined as a fairytale makes a lot of sense (because it’s secretly all about how karate is bisexuality and Daniel gets manipulated through that desire to be better at karate).

5. Queerness and femininity and themes about hidden desires that can only be approached sideways through couching those desires in symbolism: Handshake meme.

6. The fact that the more I think about it, the more feral I am for a Labyrinth AU.

7. To sum up over 5000 words of text: The inherent homoeroticism of wanting to be slammed against a locker by a bully, but extended over three movies and ever-more inventive ways of hurting pretty-boy-Daniel-LaRusso.

Johnny’s not going to be happy when he realises Daniel’s got other ex-rivals buried in his closet...

10. Some Other Stuff Aka The Laziest Referencing I’ll Ever Do

Further reading on trans Matrix

Further reading on masculinity and rape narrative in The Rape Of James Bond

Youtube Video from Pop Culture Detective (Sexual Assault Of Men Played For Laughs)

Some film/TV references in this: Dracula (Coppola), Princess Bride, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Labyrinth, The Matrix, Rocky, Princess And The Frog, Cinderella, Enchanted, Shape Of Water, Swamp Thing, Phantom of the Opera

Some fairytale references: Red Riding Hood, Cinderella, The Wolf And The Seven Little Kids, Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Company of Wolves (Angela Carter), Through the Looking Glass, Princess Bride

Also referenced is Alison Bechdel’s graphic novel and the subsequent musical Funhome. Further thoughts on this by @thehours2002 and @jenpsaki:

https://thehours2002.tumblr.com/post/650033577171533824/daniel-larusso-and-fun-home-click-to-enlarge

https://jenpsaki.tumblr.com/post/650530225997971456/cobra-kai-fun-home-inspired-by-goldstargirls

My list of Cobra Kai meta posts

I wanted to delve into fairytale movies more, but then I was like “fuck, I have actual work to do,” but I was interested in the ways male and female characters are written in these stories:

The Last Unicorn, The Never-Ending Story, The Dark Crystal, Legend, and Stardust.

The Last Unicorn is an interesting one because she’s not really human, until she is. It’s more like The Little Mermaid (the fairytale, not the Disney film) in tone, and of course there’s a pretty substantiated rumour that Andersen wrote that one as a metaphor for falling in love with another man (who eventually got married).

Andersen in general is just fun to analyse as someone who popularized so many fairytales and exists as an ambiguously queer historical figure – might’ve been modern-day gay, bi, ace, but we’re just not sure. All your favourite fairytales can be read through the lens of queer loneliness and ostracization. Just like horror.

Anyway I didn’t go into the whole Little-Mermaid-Last-Unicorn transformation bit so much as the Monstrous-Desires bit, but I think there could be something to that too, with monsters representing otherhood and all. Stardust is a kinda-almost-this, except she sticks to her human form and all is okey-dokey by the end, she’s allowed to marry the handsome man and be a star.

The Never-Ending Story has Atreyu and Bastian and because of a lack of female characters, an interesting bond between the two of them, but mainly Atreyu is absolutely a go-gettem Hero Type and it’s just interesting to see how Bastian relates to him as both an audience insert, but also eventually as his own character in that world.

The Dark Crystal contains certain… androgynous elements of feminine and masculine coded characteristics in the main character because of how he’s not human, but also they do have a “female” version of his species that he needs to go save (and bring back to life) by the end, so in a way it’s both more and less heteronormative in its characters.

Legend sees another example of a monster (literally called Darkness and looking like a traditional devil) trying to seduce a princess through promises of power, and she “goes along with it” in order to trick him and succeeds in that trick, but is ultimately saved by the male lead.

In conclusion: I don’t even have Shrek in this.

#daniel larusso #terry silver #the karate kid #the karate kid part three #cobra kai #ck #cobra kai meta #and in conclusion... brain brain brain

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mintchocohip · 3 years

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sub!bts ﹢ the reason for chastity 🔐

❝ Chastity is best approached with a sense of purpose. Although the OT7 have their individual reasons for wanting the cage, they all do so with a deepening desire for your control.

a/n ─ a little something i worked on to break writer’s block. with locktober as inspiration, i set out to write a few sentences about how the members would approach keyholder relationships. 1.5k words later, turns out thinking about the members in chastity is, indeed, very inspiring...

note ─ sub!bts x domme!reader. see each member for any other kinks or notes!

🔑 TAEHYUNG ﹢ adoration

other kinks - possessive behavior | note - poly mentioned

Without your constant gropes and nuzzles Taehyung is in danger of forgetting you’re obsessed with him. Although he understands you’ll stop if maintaining his interest in this play becomes boring for you, Taehyung also very sincerely hopes you view jealously withholding his body from a world that wants him as your job. When life pulls you in separate directions Taehyung feels connected to you through this private, secure symbol of ownership. You call constantly to hear that he’s being a good boy and ensure he’s comfortable in equal measure. Resting on your bed surrounded by cozy blankets looking vaguely shy to be captured from his thick collar down to his glittering cage and thigh harnesses while you photograph the artwork calms Taehyung with safe knowing. You’re proud this boy is yours. Every time he’s frustrated you won’t let him out of the cage so he can play with his friends Taehyung rereads the notes you scrawled on the backs of those polaroids, stashed inside an envelope in his sub journal—notes about how precious he is to you, how breathtaking his cock is, and how the world's finest treasures are always kept under lock and key.

🔑 YOONGI ﹢ masochism

Yoongi’s tastes hide in plain sight. He finds satisfaction in intentional, controlled discomfort. Doing it to himself is easy. When he discovers you have the same interests he tries to cut his giddiness at finding a keyholder with a little diffidence. It’s similar to your elegant silk shibari knots under his work clothes, or simple pressure on the bruises you left along the insides of his thighs when he crosses his legs to sit and check his notifications while waiting for the butcher to call his number. Reminders of a body possessed willingly keep him grounded. Yoongi has caged himself in the past out of curiosity. He enjoyed forming new routines around the cage, remembering it slowly when he awoke at night confused by a strange heaviness, observing its effects on his libido, and generally experimenting with a transformative yet tame form of self-discovery. Your hand holding the key will change the experience completely. Before he can do this with you, Yoongi needs to hear you explain why you’re interested. The tension of physical strain and emotional warmth is what makes him itch for it. Beyond that, whatever rules you want to set, or games you want to play—Yoongi is here to follow your heed.

🔑 JUNGKOOK ﹢ initiative

The moment the uncomfortable cage touches his sensitive skin Jungkook’s affectionate mannerisms shut down. Showering together finds Jungkook maneuvering around you awkwardly. Part of him is confused. His body serves you well. He’s internalized this confidence so deeply that even when you explain your intentions he secretly wonders if wearing the cage is a punishment. You always tell him he’s too tempting. Most days he can’t hug you without risking a hand on his cock two seconds later. The removal of his ability to provide all of himself to you feels like a subtle hint that he should give you some distance. Or, at the very least, he should cool down on the teasing touches and deep kisses until you want to fuck him again. “It isn’t about your body, baby,” you remind him patiently, “it’s about your loyalty. There’s no reason to stop showing me affection. Just because you won’t be getting off doesn’t mean I can’t.” The learning curve is a surprisingly steep slope. Satisfying you with his touch without worrying about getting hard as fast as you’d like and coming before you get bored is almost a relief. Jungkook begins to understand. By focusing on your body alone this dynamic is reinforced in a way he could never truly understand when he had his freedom.

🔑 HOSEOK ﹢ humility

other kinks - pegging, degradation

Firm control corrects Hoseok’s scattered priorities when he forgets his true nature. Although you reassure him again and again he can slide it off comfortably with lotion and patience, Hoseok never tries. Not because he enjoys wearing the cage—but because he respects you, he’s a little bit scared of you, and honoring you is worth losing his autonomy. Initially, there’s no real purpose to the cage besides dominating Hoseok psychologically. You become so accustomed to seeing him with it on, though, that his bare cock begins to look underdressed. Slowly, bespoke cages in a glittery rainbow of colors fill out a sleek strongbox near the bed. Choosing what color he’ll wear today is fun for you. The flippancy hurts a little bit, but that sting is what pulls Hoseok in deeper. Neediness to have all this pent-up energy fucked out of his electrified skin fogs Hoseok’s mind and quiets him into obedience with the hopes that you’ll enjoy his plaintive kisses on your legs and give him what he needs. A condescending pat on the head when the strap pulls out of his ass brinks Hoseok into forgetting why he’s shaking yet unsatisfied and begging for more. Thankfully, you’re here to tell him. He’s a whore. Your whore. And, that’s all he really needs to remember.

🔑 JIMIN ﹢ passion

Jimin has always known chastity would be easy for him. He’s operating on intoxicatingly high levels of horniness every second of the day, anyways. He’s learned to cope valiantly. With his own pleasure defined loosely he readily offers one facet of it for the comforting notion he’ll be gifted a plethora of new intimacies. The cage will bring you closer. He knows it will. Scheduled check-ins keep you fed on each other’s attention. Randomly sending him a partial nude of yourself during the day with the promise you’ll give him one number of this week’s passcode for every photo he recreates to your liking has Jimin rushing to the nearest public bathroom, heart hammering with both desire for you and hope for good lighting to pose in. Tracking tasks on the daily habit app to earn evenings without the cage motivates Jimin to do the things he wants to do for you but sometimes lacks the energy for, like practicing the piano and providing you accompaniment when you sit with your cello. Caged sex is, however, never a loss. Jimin might prefer if you simply told him you love how creatively you please each other in bed without adding that you want to start incorporating anything from foot massage to prostate toys into his tasks. Nonetheless. This light in your eyes as you’re overtaken by whims of intrigue is too sexy for Jimin to resist.

🔑 NAMJOON ﹢ self-improvement

other kinks - sub training, toys, voyeurism/exhibitionism, filming

Mediocre sex isn’t worth your time. Namjoon adores that you hold him to your standards. The intense single-minded drive that consumes him when you turn him on is redirected and channeled into other forms of pleasing you. Graduations from watching you use toys on yourself, to using toys on your body at your direction, to free play with the toys, to eventually repeat the process incorporating hands-on techniques fascinates Namjoon more than anything. In a scheme of education the cage is simply a reminder that you haven’t gotten to that part yet. Until then, Namjoon keeps the records of how many times he’s made you come this week and how he did it with fervor. Watching old videos of himself fucking you to take notes distracts from purpose; but, Namjoon can click his pen, shake his head, and refocus on a studious attitude. An extravagant rewards system combined with aftercare orgasms stop Namjoon from getting antsy. This venture is predicated on his ache to study your individuality, but you need to feel him savoring the process, too. When he is granted momentous opportunities to show you what he’s learned, mutual gratitude shines.

🔑 SEOKJIN ﹢ modesty

other kinks - cuckolding, threesome

Seokjin asks about it often. If he’s too big, or too small—if you would like his cock better if it was thicker, or harder, or softer, more curved; a different shade of pink. “Stop with the inane questions,” you finally snap during attempts to assuage him for the hundredth time when it’s obvious you love it because you’re laying here blushing and cooing while you jerk it off, “or I’ll lock it up.” Seokjin shuts up; flustered. Coyness isn’t Seokjin’s usual style when talking about kinky things. Yet, chastity gives you an unusually sulky boyfriend. When you ask if this is what he’s wanted all along Seokjin won’t deny it. He’s also too embarrassed by how good it feels to say “yes”. There has always been an understanding in this relationship. You’re the only person he gives himself to like this. Fully. Wholly. Through that virtue of submission you’re falling in love with his body all over again. You kiss him deeper as if to imprint your love. You tease him harder, but pet him softer and let him cuddle him tighter. Seokjin has wistful daydreams about romantic vanilla missionary and hearing you moan in approval when the cage comes off; but, he also knows he can get confused. If you decide what’s best for him is listening to your fond laughter at how hard he’s dripping through the cage while you warm each other up for the guy who’ll be arriving in a few minutes—he trusts your judgment without question.

#sub!bts #domme!reader #member x reader #ot7 post #sub!taehyung #sub!yoongi #sub!jungkook #sub!hoseok #sub!jimin #sub!namjoon #sub!seokjin #mch #headcanon

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sepublic · 4 years

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Amity’s ‘role’ in Luz’s fantasy

So recently I had an epiphany thanks to @lost-gatesofhell, about Luz and her initial interest in Amity. I have to wonder if at first, Luz was partially interested in befriending Amity because it’d be like Azura befriending HER rival... In the sense that she’s trying to live out her fantasies, without considering that Amity is her own person and not a ‘prize’ to be won. I hate to compare Luz like this... but it could’ve been like how Warden Wrath was drawn to the ‘allure’, the IDEA of Eda as someone who was ‘hard to get’, a prize to be won... Of course in Luz’s case, she’s a lot less patronizing and objectifying of Amity, as seen when she respects the girl’s boundaries as soon as they’re set.

Still, there’s this idea that while Luz is working on it, she hasn’t totally overcome her penchant for applying fantasy to real life and projecting her little adventures over what’s actually happening, for the sake of living them out... Obviously she learned her lesson in Episode 2, but like anyone else she’s not perfect and still liable to making the same mistakes from time to time, even if they’re a lot less frequent. Particularly, Luz learned not to expect the Boiling Isles to specifically cater to her fantasies, and to recognize situations for what they actually were. If Luz wanted a ‘magical destiny’ or adventure or anything like that, she’d have to work for it to happen, as Eda suggested.

Of course, while Luz learned not to be entitled nor to expect life to just hand over her fantasies to her, there’s still this expectation and willingness to use Amity to fulfill that enemies to lovers friends trope, under the idea that at least Luz is ‘working’ for it. Luz knew then that things wouldn’t automatically be how she wanted them to be, and that she had to recognize this; But she’s still willing to make them fit her idealized fantasy regardless... Again tying back to what Eda said about having to ‘make your own destiny’, but there’s also the issue of boundaries and limits to be set, especially when actual people are involved.

Sometimes, you just can’t live out your fantasy, period… Nor can you expect reality to change into it, even if you DO put in the work to alter it accordingly. Even if it is possible, is it ethical and worth the effort to steamroll over the autonomy of others, and see them only as tropes and roles to fulfill in your story? Not as people with their own stories? Maybe it’s pointless to try to make up for this by occasionally ‘fulfilling your part’ in another person’s story, because nobody should have to deal with that sort of expectation at all, period! Even if it’s consensual on behalf of both parties, it’s still pretty sus... And it ties into the ideas of the Coven System, of Witches having to fulfill a certain role, be it as the Bard, or the Oracle, or the Illusionist... That you have to stick to a particular trope, that there’s no mixing parts or being creative with this!

Everybody has to be quickly and readily defined by a specific role they can neatly fit into, as ordained by Belos; There’s no room for growing beyond that, save for special people like those who fit into the Emperor’s Coven, the kind who are worthy of being ‘main characters’ in a sense, and thus allowed to be fleshed-out and ‘unique’! Everybody else, though- They’re a side-character, an NPC. It’s like those jokes of friend groups consisting of ‘the smart one’, the ‘funny one’, ‘the jock’, etc., but taken to a dark and far too literal extreme. There’s no room for someone to be the funny one AND a jock, that guy’s already a jock, don’t encroach on other people’s roles, you’ll get distracted from the specific function you have to fulfill!

(There isn’t anything wrong with doing this in writing of course, especially since one is handling fictional characters and not real people; But from an in-universe perspective, these characters ARE actual people to one another. After all, in real life one wouldn’t define someone as JUST a chef, they also have other aspects and interests to their life that aren’t solely related to food! It’s like the revelation that teachers have lives outside of school, or how that person you know on the internet probably has a job unrelated to whatever interest they’re talking about. People aren’t JUST the jobs they do, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to dedicate their entire existence to fulfilling that role. People should have breaks and be allowed to pursue different interests, maybe even leave their ‘job’ if it’s no longer for them. So YES Karen, this person’s job IS to help customers, but that doesn’t mean their entire worth and meaning as a person solely revolves around this, nor should this person be expected to help customers 24/7 when their shift has already ended anyway.)

But back to the subject... Luckily, Luz’s issue with molding reality into her fantasy is confronted and further resolved by Wing it like Witches. And even if Luz was projecting her stories onto Amity a bit in order to live out a ‘rivals to friends’ fantasy... It’s worth noting that Luz was also legit interested in Amity as a friend, too! Not to mention Luz is VERY concerned about earning Amity’s approval in Adventures in the Elements... Maybe part of Luz’s motive is not wanting to mess up with an ‘elusive’ friendship, or that’s what Luz tells herself... But more than likely, it’s indicative of a crush that Luz isn’t aware of. Sadly, this girl hasn’t had enough social interaction to differentiate between plantonic friendship desires and being romantically attracted to an actual peer VS a fictional character!

Which is yet another reason why I love Lost in Language, it’s that Luz was interested in the idea of befriending Amity, of a rival turned friend, rather than just Amity herself... And maybe Amity overheard this when Luz mentioned “First I befriend the siblings, then Amity!” and that contributed to her tomato face of anger- Having the painful barriers she’d erected as a trauma response and the loneliness that came from that being trivialized isn’t great. Amity didn’t appreciate being objectified like that, solely for the emotional barriers she’d set up for a reason. It’s one thing to want to be Amity’s friend the way Boscha and others did- But is Luz really interested in Amity, or just in the idea of her? Is this love conditional on Amity’s social status, which Amity is told is both inherent to her as a Blight, and yet something she has to constantly earn and maintain? Especially the idea of ‘winning’ Amity, that’d be particularly patronizing… But very quickly, Luz remembers that Amity is her own separate individual, who doesn’t exist to fulfill her fantasies.

Luz appreciates Amity as she really is (perhaps not coincidentally after getting insight into the girl’s true personality through her diary entries), which leads to Luz working to protect Amity’s boundaries by keeping her diary from Emira and Edric! There’s the idea of getting to know and appreciate Amity for who she really is, and Luz working to let the girl embrace that part of herself both internally and externally as well... Which again ties back into the idea of projecting the idea/image of fantasies onto someone/something, VS accepting what/who they actually are, and thus appreciating them even more as a result!

Amity, of course, realizes that Luz is genuine and actually wants to know about the person she really is... And she’s baffled. While she was no doubt offended by Luz possibly seeing her more as a trope to fulfill than an actual person, it probably wouldn’t have been anything new to Amity; The idea of others seeing her as a means to an end, given how her own parents and Lilith did the same! Disappointing, but not surprising...

But now it IS surprising, because Luz wants to know about Amity- And she’s not used to good things in life, alas? And how to respond? She’s well familiar with the process of rejecting people, but when it comes to accepting someone- What does she do then? And this plays into Amity’s insecurities and confusion about Luz and how she feels, not wanting to lose a friend, not wanting to hurt them, not wanting to ruin things if Luz wants her only as a friend... Not sure if Luz really means it or not because she’s still insecure, and OF COURSE the idea of a crush, and wondering what Luz could see in someone like her?!

Amity at least better understood Luz’s motives back when she assumed it was just to fulfill her Azura fantasies, because Amity was familiar with those and her own desire for them. But now that Luz has given up on that... Why does she continue to be so interested in Amity, of all people? And even if Luz was still living out her fantasies, what more could Amity accomplish anyway, now that she’s a friend to Luz; Why does Luz continue to express interest in Amity, and be willing to do so much for the girl? Luz already got her Rivals-to-Friends trope in Amity, but she continues to hang out with the girl of her own volition and unconditionally help her; And Amity is possibly freaking out on what Luz’s motives are, even though she at least knows the girl isn’t a bully and means well!

Mostly, I think Amity KNOWS that Luz is interested in being a genuine friend... But she’s still overwhelmed by the idea of someone being romantically interested in her, or at least more interested in Amity as a friend compared to others; Because the girl underestimates her own worth too much, she doesn’t see herself as worth getting to know if she doesn’t specifically accomplish a purpose! Odalia and Alador conditioned Amity to evaluate others based on their usefulness, or else be useful to others... So Amity is wondering what about her is so specifically appealing to Luz, especially when Luz has disregarded all of Amity’s other traits that make her ‘worthwhile’, such as her intelligence, social status, knowledge on magic, etc. The only thing left about Amity, to appreciate... Are the things that define her as individual, not as a Blight or a Top Student! And it’s unimaginable, or at least surreal to the girl, for Luz to be interested in that...

Amity only knows friendship in terms of being ‘useful’ to someone else... Emira and Edric were genuinely interested in Amity as a person, but she’s probably dismissed this as a given since they’re family members, not to mention Ed and Em have admittedly done their part in making Amity doubt how much she means to them. So what does Amity do, when Luz expects nothing of her? No doubt Amity feels like she’s a ‘parasite’, that she’s leeching off of Luz’s good nature and not giving back enough... Maybe she’ll feel like she has compensate for their friendship and justify it, only for Luz to make it clear to Amity that just being with the girl, and seeing her be happy, is all she’ll ever need! And it’ll amaze Amity, and mean so much to her, to realize that she’s inherently worthwhile, and that she doesn’t need to ‘prove’ herself to others in order to be lovable...

TL;DR Luz was initially trying to live out a ‘rivals to friends’ story, but learned not to objectify Amity like this... And when confronted with a growing crush on the Blight girl, Luz possibly assumed she was just relapsing into old habits. But inevitably, Luz is becoming more and more aware of how much she just genuinely likes Amity as a person, no strings attached, that the girl is irreplaceable to her. And when Amity recognizes that there’s no big secret to why she means so much to Luz, other than just being herself, that Luz’s love isn’t dependent on superficial traits that could easily be replicated by someone else, that Amity is irreplaceable to Luz... It’ll do wonders for her crippled self-esteem, as she learns that she doesn’t need to impress people in order to be loved. Amity, as she already is, without having to make any efforts to improve herself, is already worth loving both in the platonic and romantic sense!

As for Luz, well- She didn’t get the fantasy she expected... But she still got to live out a different one. Amity really IS this girl’s fantasy, and this time, I mean it in the best way possible!

#the owl house #owl house #lumity #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house amity #amity blight #speculation

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rametarin · 3 years

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Maternal narcissistic abuse involves wasting your attention.

I am convinced that one of the reasons for the epidemic of children diagnosed with ADHD conditions is partly because there’s a phenomenon that resembles ADHD but is in fact something entirely different, distinct and separate.

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but I contest the conclusion. The schools wanted me medicated for ADD. My family protested. And looking back, I sincerely didn’t have ADD.

I was mentally and emotionally exhausted because of the way women are allowed to abuse their children, so long as they don’t leave marks.

It’s a subtle form of abuse, but it is abuse. And the results and what it does to a child is similar to actually having ADD/ADHD.

How it works is you exhaust them. You disguise the abuse as boilerplate parental engagement and then just annoy the shit out of them with social convention until they want to disengage from conversing with you.

Then you punish or threaten them for “rudeness”, and that becomes the precursor for holding a grudge. It may manifest later on as a no instead of a yes when they ask permission for something. It may manifest as exacerbating a punishment’s severity or length if the child does anything wrong. It may manifest as deprivation of a privilege they usually enjoy just out of spite. Or, it may result in more “justified harassment” in a venue the parent DOES control.

But whatever it is, it will seem valid, it will seem like a legitimate parenting move that is acceptable, and it will annoy the shit out of the child for no other reason than the satisfaction of a sadistic and selfish parent taking their frustrations in life or entitlement to attention out on their children.

For example, my mother used to get us in the car and drive around. The radio would always be what she wanted to listen to, and we’d always go wherever she wanted to go. And in the car, she’d make small talk. Just, force engagement. And you weren’t allowed things like music players, there were no cell phones, no distractions to passively get in the way of any stray stream of consciousness she had from just blasting into the air like firing a shotgun to invite and “engage” conversation.

And if you just sat there ignoring her or not responding or replying to her, that was an invite for her to stop passively filling the air with the equivalent of verbal diarrhea, and then more DIRECTLY address why you seemed to not be “going with the flow” and engaging with her.

Or she’d accidentally do shit like drive over curbs if you seemed to be sleeping. “Oops! Haha! Accident!” Or find some excuse to hit the brakes and stop really fast just to jar you. Just indirect ways she could claim were, “completely accidental” to antagonize you into paying attention to her.

And when she wanted your undivided attention, she’d just talk to the air about an important topic (to her) and then ask your thoughts. Trying to socially force engagement or for you to commit a faux pas by refusing engagement. If you comply with engagement, she then demands you listen not just to the content, but demand you listen to all of it for the alloted time. There are no shortcuts with her, she wanted you to listen to the WHOLE spiel for however long it took before you could compile it, strip out all the wasted emotional shit she invested, and in essence just drag on the conversation for as long as she possibly could.

She fashioned every single engagement and conversation to take as much time as possible and demand you pay attention to every second of it in order to properly answer whatever question or long winded wind up to the question she could pose. She’d pose questions simply to gauge and bar if you were paying attention, and then feign outrage and tantrum if you didn’t. You could not just answer “sure” or “yes” or minimize your engagement to ignore whatever spiel she was saying. You couldn’t just tune her out, because she structured every nonsense conversation to check how well you were engaging.

And if you weren’t engaged, then out came the hostility and the antagonism and the passive aggression. And if they felt justified enough, out came the tantrums and restrictions and threats.

Another technique was she’d have indirect conversations over the phone with other people. You would be hit with weird random mood shifts and changes from her after she got off the phone with someone. Maybe one of her stupid sisters would do something or feud and piss her off, she’d feel like she wasn’t in control of them, so she’d take that out on people she did control just to “assert dominance.” So suddenly if Aunt Nelly (fake name) called her a dumb bitch, you get informed bed time is now an hour earlier, and unless you’re paying attention, you have no idea why this is happening.

So you start paying attention and listening in on family phone conversations just to understand why the dumb bitch goes on rampages. It won’t change bed times or get those privileges back, but at least you know WHAT set her off. And it’s designed to use negative reinforcement to MAKE you interested in those phone conversations and eavesdrop. But, you aren’t allowed to make it obvious you’re eavesdropping. So it’s an unspoken part.

That gives narcissistic moms the opportunity to start talking about you to other people. So you indirectly get to hear intentions or revealed information of what they’re about to do or their plans for things. Being talked about as if you’re an object or not even there when you’re in the next room over is a normal occurrence.

So as a kid, you spend most of your time dodging your mom trying to waste your time with worthless conversation after conversation. Which are just subtle little methods that she uses to waste your time, dominate your actions and deprive you of autonomy. And all she has to do is talk to you. All she has to do is punish you with social conventions. All she has to do is communicate outlandish bullshit about how you’re rude or drop mention about how you “tell her to shut up” for her friends and adults around you to cheer her on and encourage her to punish you for “being so fresh.” Because adult women/mothers get the benefit of the doubt over some kid on if what they’re saying is true, or not. So the whole god damned fabricated social interaction now gets strangers cheering on her abuse to “put you in your place.”

Even going outside as a kid, she found a way to render ABSOLUTELY POINTLESS, fruitless and JOYLESS. All she had to do, any time I was outside, was stick her head out the door and yell. She’d pretend I wasn’t yelling loud enough, purely to waste my energy and attention and make me repeat myself, and justify coming closer to the house to speak. (This was the time before cell phones.)

So she’d stick her head out the door and want to have a 2-3 minute exchange, every few minutes. Just, the most worthless and pointless engagements and exchanges that amount to ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and she would not stop doing it. And there’s no force on earth that canmake a woman or mother shut the fuck up and not do this. Forced social engagement is a thing women can weaponize and do it with impunity.

Eventually I just got tired of my thoughts and my enjoyment of nature walks being derailed and just stayed inside. It was less effort and she was less ardent about wanting her eye on me every two minutes if I was sitting inside playing videogames, where I was at her beck and call within a few seconds notice.

Just through the power of “not shutting her fucking mouth” and being able to escalate consequences for my being annoyed at her constant attention devouring, she managed to want me to make the decision to just stay inside the house because being outdoors was POINTLESS. It was less suffering and stress to just stay inside than try and enjoy something just for her to waste my time and any satisfaction I could get from it. So, she got what she wanted while pretending she just wanted to talk about what we were having for supper. For half a fucking hour, off and on again.

And I can guarantee you, this is normal in the homes of many American children, especially young boys of single parent homes. Because everybody already knows boys are not perfect, boys can and do act up, boys do talk back to their mothers, boys can be out of control, boys can be short tempered, boys can be violent if they get to the end of their rope and just can’t fucking stand the premeditated and calculated harassment anymore, because in a man’s mind, doing that is waging war. And if you’re waging war on a person, escalation to violence is guaranteed.

Women do not escalate to violence unless it’s to land a killing blow, and they tend to try and do that indirectly and without open conflict. Such as, through poison, or accidents. But they do wage war on you.

Because boys have almost no credibility and women/mothers, they have as high as that value can go in trust from other people. It’s easy to allow them to not just do this shit, but be congratulated for doing it. Other women will reinforce it.

When you do this to a young man, every whisper they hear around them takes higher priority than, say, thinking about math. If you’ve been abused and persistently trained to let someone else derail your thoughts to pay attention to them, you can’t manage math problems. You get punished and harassed and stuck into hostile situations unless you give whomever wants your attention top priority and learn to just give them control or suffer. If not directly, then indirectly from boredom, after the punishments take away all your stimulation and autonomy. .

When you do this to a young man, they lose the ability to tune other peoples egos out and focusing and shutting out distraction becomes impossible. Especially when mothers abuse this relationship, trying to prioritize their feelings about, say, Jerry fucking Springer by talking along with the show, over you doing your homework.

They suffer academically. They lose the ability to focus. They get agitated and hungry for stimulation. They do anything they can for stimulation that ISN’T just giving everything to their mothers all the fucking time; comic books, video games, anything that can be put down whenever that rancid, selfish bitch decides she needs to devour another 50 seconds of your life in 8 parts over the next 20 minutes, making your life and your ability to engage in anything stop-and-go with her calling the shots.

So once again, women use ambiguity as a method of getting away with abuse and destruction, because unless and until you can prove they’re the reason why something happened, you have to assume their innocence. Narcissistic moms use the subjective like a cudgel to get away with abuse.

And many young men and boys have just internalized that their mothers are free to do this shit, this is just bird brain bitch mom shit, you can no more contest it or be angry about it than you could contest and be angry about the rain or anything else. So they never really question it. That’s just how things are. They accept how things are and that some things cannot be changed or helped, and wanting so is just a waste of energy. Because it’s impossible.

So they won’t even remember all the times their mothers did this sort of socially and interpersonally abusive mom-shit unless they think about it really hard. How their moms would pre-meditate and be difficult about shit, solely to waste their time and energy before they tried to live their lives. Just to set them up to fail, that much harder. Just for the satisfaction of taking it away from them, whether they willingly gave it or were coerced to.

And then we have the mental health and child welfare institutions deciding the problem is purely that all these kids fall under the umbrella of Attention Deficient. When there’s clearly a distinction between those that have had their mental reserves cannibalized by their fat bitches of mothers vs. those with actual attention deficiency problems brought about by brains and genetics.

So it wouldn’t surprise me if there’s a whole population out there that got baked and basted with ADD medication (like antidepressants for kids with abusive parents) solely because it became socially en vogue as a way to avoid the consequences of your child breaking down from being overly psyche-abused.

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quirkless-and-embarrassed · 4 years

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are you doing the character ask meme thing? it would be awesome if you talk about shinso!!

!!!

Hell yes!! It’s been too long since I did my last character meme, and Shinsou is majorly underrated. I love him. (Sorry this took a few days!)

Favorite things about him:

I love how he puts his hand on the back of his neck when he’s flustered, and I love how he’s got a toothy, kinda evil smile. It’s also cute how he plays it aloof and tries to hide his feelings, but Horikoshi draws him with little distress sweats to show he’s actually really nervous. Stoic, this kid is not. And his eye bags are cute. Why do I love characters with eye bags.

I love how, at the end of his Sports Festival match against Midoriya, he’s deeply moved by his classmates’ support (and the whole stadium’s support). It really blows a hole in his “I’m not here to make friends” image when he gets all choked up over being cheered on. Like…he wants acceptance so badly…just let him be accepted as a hero. None of this backhanded compliment “oh wow, with your quirk, you could do anything!” schtick.

His match is especially satisfying because even though he technically loses, it’s basically a victory. Midoriya beats Shinsou because he has people who believe in and support him, and by the time the battle ends, Shinsou discovers he, too, has people who believe in him. Not just friends—total strangers, too, and he can choose to listen to their voices as they cheer him on instead of hearing just his detractors. Plus, one of those supporters is Aizawa, and Shinsou accomplishes his goal for the Sports Festival: to transfer into the heroics course. SO…it winds up being a “failure” that is actually a win in disguise, and I love those.

I love how he has a complicated relationship with his quirk and society. It’s been impressed on him that he’s made for a villain role—and like…it illustrates how bizarre hero culture is in bnha, where some people are just so infatuated with the spectacle of it all to the point they’re like “oh cool! you’d make an awesome villain! don’t make me do bad things, though, okay? okay!”—but despite it, Shinsou has a defiant kind of pride in his quirk. He snarks Midoriya during their fight, being like ~oh you wouldn’t understand, but this quirk of mine is like a dream come true! (Though in the anime, it’s translated more like “even with a quirk like this, I dream of being a hero”?) Shinsou understands he could do whatever he wants with his quirk, and what he wants is to do good things. He’s bitter because like, is it that hard to believe someone might just want to do good? How/why do people have to be so pessimistic that they think someone with his power must abuse it? But at the same time, he gets it, he knows he’s not any better because he would also be dubious of someone with power like his. But also! It’s not fair! Because “heroic” quirks are also potentially destructive, but a kid like Bakugo or Todoroki is told he’ll be a great hero someday, not that he’d make a great villain—and the heroes industry guarantees them a fast-track to pro status at the expense of people like Shinsou or Midoriya.

So I love that Shinsou is this idealistic figure: he could do evil, but he won’t. His quirk enables peaceful deescalation of hazardous situations. It’s ideal. But it’s ideal because it is such a classically villainous quirk—a power that weaponizes communication, turns people’s trust against them, and exerts total domination to rob people of their autonomy. So very quickly, that inspiring interpretation of Shinsou being able to choose what he does with his quirk is easy to second-guess. The line between hero and villain doesn’t seem so distinct when both professions are distilled down with such brutal precision. Shinsou wants to use his quirk to help people, but the questions of which people he helps and how he helps them are the distinction between a hero and a villain, and it’s not as neat as the hero ranking would imply. His dialogue with Monoma about how they do unheroic things to accomplish heroic goals makes me hopeful that’s a seed Horikoshi planted for future exploration.

So…Shinsou sets up some interesting challenges, and that’s a major reason why I’m interested in him. I’m curious to see how his story unfolds.

One last thing I love about Shinsou. There’s a scene where Midoriya spots Shinsou in the hall and cheerfully calls out to him, and Shinsou’s only response is to rub the back of his neck and go “uh huh.” But! Later on, Shinsou has a flashback to this exchange, and he admits that he was actually really excited to face Midoriya again, and it’s like oh my gosh. You were secretly so pleased he recognized you, huh? You were so happy he remembered seeing you around and wanted to talk to you, and you wanted him to acknowledge how far you’ve come. But you’re a dumbass who couldn’t summon anything to say other than “uh huh.” D u m b a s s. But I like him for it. He tries so hard to be mature and collected that he really comes off as such a teenager.

Least favorite things about him:

Ok we both know he doesn’t get enough screen time, that can’t count as my least favorite thing. Hmm. Can I commit heresy and say that I think his hair looks pretty dumb?

Tbf though, Shinsou’s shortage of appearances is especially difficult because he’s fairly indirect and you can’t take what he says at face value, particularly because he aims to provoke. He’s also appeared almost exclusively in combat situations, so it’s hard to gauge how he behaves in more mundane circumstances (for example, in contrast to Mirio and Tamaki, who are fairly direct and who we see off the battlefield enough to get an overview of Mirio’s good-naturedness and Tamaki’s insecurity). I really dislike this uncertainty.

Other than that, it’s disappointing how, during the cavalry battle, he brainwashed all of his teammates. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Eliminating their brainpower definitely made them a weaker team, and I get the feeling he did it because he wanted to feel like he got to the final round from his own skill and not because he was relying on teammates with heroic quirks (which makes it ironic he taunted Midoriya about Ojiro’s “honor”). But I guess I get it, since he didn’t want to reveal his quirk to anyone and it would have been hard to persuade any of these strangers to team up with him.

Favorite line:

Ch212 – Brainwashing Midoriya to save him from blackwhip.

I just love how like…in the Sports Festival, Shinsou wasn’t trying to fight Midoriya as an equal, he was fighting Midoriya as a bitter underdog with something to prove. Then during this Class A vs B fight, even though Shinsou has inferred that his transfer to the heroics course depends on his performance, he’s happy to battle Midoriya again because he’s proud of how far he’s come. He’s discovered the shounen “let’s fight because we’re friends!” mindset, and I think it’s sweet.

And! There’s also this!

Monoma: “I like you, Shinsou. I really do. In order to survive, you too need to embrace your darker side. We’re much the same.”Shinsou: “No thanks.”

BROTPs:

Aizawa. Aizawa all the way. 90% of the Shinsou-centric fic I read is about a tired son and tired dad.

I think Shinsou and Ojiro, once they get past the initial animosity, could be good friends. I know I mentioned that during the cavalry battle, I think Shinsou didn’t want to rely on teammates blessed with heroic quirks, he wanted to earn his own way. Similarly, Ojiro quit the Sports Festival precisely because he felt he didn’t earn his spot in the final round (something Shinsou provocatively dismissed as a sign of being a spoiled hero student who can afford to waste opportunities). I definitely have a weak spot for relationships that start off rocky and then, to the surprise of the idiots involved, they’re like wait we’re not that different…we might even be friends…? Anyways, Ojiro probably the number one Class A student I want to see Shinsou interact with more. I’d like to see him be Shinsou’s top critic at first, especially since Ojiro is generally such an easygoing nice guy.

On the other end of the spectrum, I love Monoma as Shinsou’s #1 fan. Their canon interactions cracked me up, and I like the balance Monoma strikes with Shinsou between his extravagant persona who’s all noise versus slipping him some thoughtful, barbed observations. Also like…Monoma emphatically embracing Shinsou as a member of the group is different from what Shinou’s learned to expect from people, so it’s funny to see him struggle with how to react. Shinsou has already said that he’s discarding any concept of good sportsmanship and so on, so I think having Monoma as someone to talk about how to fight dirty without being dirty would be a valuable friendship. …but mostly these two crack me up and I want more.

Okay, though Ojiro is the student in Class A I’m most curious to see Shinsou interact with, there’s also so much potential for humor with Kaminari or Aoyama. Kaminari’s little pep talk was really cute and I’d love to see him follow up on it by trying to befriend Shinsou while Shinsou is secretly pleased, embarrassed that he’s pleased, and unsure what Kaminari wants from him anyways. And Aoyama…LOL. Now, I dunno how these two would become friends, but imagine Aoyama trying to convince Shinsou to do something about his hair, about his eye bags, about his posture, about his dour inflections…meanwhile Shinsou suffers through it with his cool I don’t care attitude, gradually picking up on Aoyama’s hidden side. I can also imagine Aoyama and Shinsou being super passive aggressive to each other, ha.

I feel like Shinsou and Jirou could also get along pretty well, since they’re both pretty low-key. But I also feel like they might get along a little too well…I like pairs with a little more drama and tension. It’s easy to imagine them sitting in companionable silence, Shinsou listening to Jirou’s playlist while Jirou acts like this is no big deal. Or maybe Shinsou notices Jirou’s crush on Yaoyorozu and/or Kaminari, and Jirou is stuck seeking his opinion on matters he’s the opposite of an expert in…

I’d love to see Shinsou be subjected to Nejire’s relentless questioning. “Oh wow, hey! You look really tired! Are you really tired? Or are those shadows under your eyes just a side-effect of your quirk? Hey hey, wait, I recognize you. Aren’t you the brainwasher firstie? What do you say to people to brainwash them? Do you like, swing a pendulum in their face and tell them, ‘You are getting very sleepy’? You could do that to—oh! Can you brainwash yourself? Cuz then you could brainwash yourself to get more sleep! But…if you brainwash yourself, then who’s in control? How do you know you haven’t brainwashed yourself already—”

OTPs:

My favorite Shinsou ship is shiniida! This pic is what first put them on my radar, and the generally cute, funny fanart and fic got me the rest of the way invested. I like how on the surface, the two make an odd match, because you have Iida, who’s so by the book the bylaws are practically printed on his skin, and Shinsou gives a much more defiant, devious impression. But actually, Shinsou is surprisingly pure of heart, and Iida is someone who assumes the best of people, and it would be nice for Shinsou to find someone who implicitly believes he’s a good person. (…this is also something I like about Monoma.) Just the image of Iida fussing over Shinsou, and Shinsou being at a loss for how to deal with someone so well-meaning, respectful, and shameless about expressing his concern for Shinsou’s wellbeing. It’s intrusive but so sincere, I can imagine Shinsou getting pretty flustered.

It’s also interesting because Iida is from such a hero lineage with the sort of heroic quirk Shinsou begrudges for having it easy. I can see him being pretty caught off-guard by how seriously Iida dedicates himself to his dream to be a hero. Iida might have it easy compared to Shinsou, but that sort of determination isn’t something that can be scoffed off.

I also love todoshin, which I talked about here. One thing I didn’t talk about in that post, though, is that both of them in some way consider(ed) their quirks “evil.” Their complex relationships to their quirks are something else they might bond over, plus the fact that they’re both closely tied to the idea of self-determination, and I’m a weak-ass ho for free will as a theme so there you have shipping material galore in my book.

Shinoma is another ship I’ve read. I like this ship since it opens up different avenues of closeness between Shinsou and Monoma than between Shinsou and someone with a “heroic” quirk, but I think they’re more of a brotp for me. Kamishin, too—I like kamishin fluff/comedy, but I wind up gravitating more towards the platonic dynamic.

I haven’t read much shindeku, but it looks cute. I love the scenes where Midoriya greets Shinsou in the hall and Shinsou is too awkward to respond.

NOTPs:

Hmm…not really. Big multishipper here, I’ll ship anything I see nice content for.

Random headcanons:

There’s a fanfic where adult!Shinsou has a cat named Nyazawa, and Aizawa hates being a namesake. I approve heartily.

Though I also get a kick out of imagining that Shinsou likes cats, but he’s allergic.

I love this fic’s idea that Shinsou was once mistaken for Aizawa’s son, and ever since Shinsou has had a running joke where he annoys Aizawa by insolently calling him “dad.”

Shinsou has barely trained his quirk because he needs people to practice on, and, prior to Aizawa’s tutelage, he didn’t have any volunteers and he couldn’t quite find the nerve to ask people to be brainwashed.

Shinsou’s always wondered what it feels like to be brainwashed. Sometime after the Class A vs B training battle, Shinsou asks Monoma to copy his quirk and show him.

Shinsou could have gotten in to a different hero school, in their heroics program instead of entering general studies. I imagine some hero schools, unlike UA, must specialize in less flashy quirks. But Shinsou had enough of a chip in his shoulder that he wouldn’t settle for less than UA, the very best hero school in the country, because he so badly wanted the affirmation and endorsement that he can be a great hero.

Unpopular opinions:

Don’t get me wrong, I love reading fic where Shinsou has a crappy home life, is in foster care, etc. Angsty dadzawa and shinson is always a win. But the vibe I get from canon is that his home life is okay. His flashback sequence showing how people always think the worst of his quirk was sad, but it could’ve been much worse, so I think his life isn’t as terrible as it could be. Whew. (Though…it’s also a shame because he might get more in-story focus if it were bad…)

I like fic where Aizawa is a little harsher on Shinsou than the standard dadzawa fare, usually because he sees himself/Shirakumo in Shinsou, and that’s a good thing, sure, but it’s also an ordeal because it’s painful and difficult to reopen old wounds. This sort of internal conflict is one of the interesting things that differentiates Aizawa’s dynamic with Shinsou from his dynamic with Midoriya or his other students.

…I don’t really like erasermic+shinsou? Idk, Yamada never really feels like he fits into the dadzawa/shinson dynamic. He can be helpful for moving the plot along, but I’m not sure I’ve ever found a fic where I was emotionally invested in his role. Maybe now that there’s more canon content for him, I’ll take more of a liking to this trio.

Songs I associate with him:

I agree with this post that Mad World has a very Shinsou feel to it. I Surrender by Colleen D’Agostino reminds me of him too, since Shinsou seems like someone who tries to be cynical and detached but underneath he can’t help what his heart truly wants.

Favorite pictures of him:

Ch183 – zombie!Shinsou and terrified Kaminari!! I’d love to see Kaminari trying to revenge scare Shinsou.

(And seeing Mineta terrified is a different sort of satisfaction.)

Ch198 – Shinsou’s shock when Monoma ambushes him. He looks so awkward with his hands held stiffly at his sides.

Ch214 – why is he so cute. how did this happen.

Ch216 – This is the moment he loses to Midoriya a second time. I love the mix of emotion on his face.

Ch216 – His face when Aizawa announces Shinsou will almost certainly be approved for transfer

I’ve also answered these questions for Todoroki, Bakugo, Uraraka, Endeavor, Sir Nighteye, and Amajiki!

#shinsou hitoshi #hitoshi shinso #bnha #shinsou #text #nerd mumbling #writing this reminded me I still have a few characters I never finished these questions for #maybe I'll get my shit together and finish at least eri's #ask meme #asks #bnha society #shinoji #shinoma #jiroushin #nejire #dadzawa #shiniida #shinzawa

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feuilly-cakes · 4 years

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Breaking Dawn - 3* review

Oh boy was this a long one. Okay, I really don't know how to feel about this book, because on one hand I had lots of fun revisiting my old favourite and picking it apart but on the other hand I had a very big issue with a major part of the plot. If I were rating based on each book within this book, I would give book one 4*and book two and three 3*. It starts out strong, then gets progressively harder to keep track of, but then maybe my short attention span is the problem here. I learned many interesting facts and character traits in this book, and I also figured out something important to do with imprinting that's been vaguely introduced in the previous book but is explored in-depth here. Stick around if you want to see what that discovery is. As usual, I'll be putting interesting and relevant facts and things I found particularly offensive under sub-headings, but I'll be saying a lot about each book as if it's separate before then, because Breaking Dawn as a whole is too long to talk about with any coherency. So without further ado: There are only spoilers ahead. Book 1: Bella First let me just say that these books have such amazing prologues/prefaces that immediately grab your attention. If you didn't know she was going to get pregnant, it would probably seem like she's talking about Edward being the one killing her. Anyway, this book was shorter than I expected, but far more enjoyable. This one seems to be more family oriented in the language used than previous in the series; while before any of the Cullens would be described as 'Edward's adopted -' , in this they are simply his mother, his brothers, his sisters. Even Jasper, who always seemed to me to be the outsider of the bunch, uses the term "We Cullens" and it just feels more like a family than a vampire coven pretending to be a family. This is helped along by Bella suddenly knowing so much more about the history of the Cullens and their extended family the Denalis. She's ready to fit right on in there. This book deals with the wedding and the honeymoon. Bella reflects on how she told her parents, freaks out about getting married, has her wedding, abruptly changes her stance on said wedding, then they shoot off to the honeymoon and things occur. Basically, she gets pregnant. It's a huge commotion. Backtracking, both Charlie and Renee were weirdly supportive about the engagement and handled it super well, with Renee and Bella having such a lovely conversation I nearly teared up. She's a great mother even when she's not physically there for Bella. Bella, on the other hand, is doing that thing again where she's selfish and a bit mean without realising she's being that way. Poor Edward is stressed to his eyeballs about the honeymoon and the very real possibility of hurting and even killing Bella, and she just brushes him right off. More on that later, but that's not the responsible way to do things, Bella. Fast forward to the honeymoon, and Edward is now the one being dramatic, refusing to sleep with her again because he bruised her and not listening to her when she says she's perfectly fine. The way it happens is very funny. Then we get to see random things happening that oh so subtly turn out to be pregnancy symptoms, like strange dreams about vampire babies who look human, oversleeping, mood swings, strange eating habits, and last but not least, morning sickness. It wasn't subtle. When they figure it out Edward loses it and says he's going to arrange for her to have an abortion. Bella asks Rosalie for help, and screen fades to black. The big theme here is that Bella changes her mind. She doesn't want to be married until she suddenly does at her wedding, she doesn't want to stay human until she decides she can afford a few extra years, and she doesn't want kids until she's already pregnant. Even with Rosalie, their slowly evolving relationship wasn't going to be proper friendship until Bella asks her for help. She's changing so quickly it's like getting whiplash, but it's not unrealistic. That's how I make most of my big decisions too, like it simmers away unnoticed until it's ready to be addressed. Relatable, really. Book 2: Jacob Book 2 takes us through Bella's pregnancy from Jacob's perspective, as he goes from planning to kill the Cullens to becoming their biggest protector and an Alpha of his own pack. As much as I love multiple POVs in books this is one I couldn't get behind, and here's why. One of the main themes in this book is imprinting. I don't like it. While I adore soulmates as a concept, and even more so platonic soulmates, it's made clear that this isn't what that is, and it's icky. We get 4 pages of Quil interacting with his imprint Claire, who is 3. The whole time Jacob has a running commentary on how Quil is more devoted than a parent would ever be, how he wants to make her so very happy, how it's so very different from that of a parent, and how Quil has to wait like a "monk" for "a good fourteen years" until Claire was his age. This was never platonic, it was a waiting game. It's also grooming. This was also around the time it became apparent just why Quil imprinted on Claire in the first place: it was all a set up for Jacob's eventual imprint. It had to be a part of the story before it happened so people wouldn't question it, and for the most part it worked. Both Quil's story and Jacob's interactions with a pregnant Bella prove this: "the hold she had on me only got harder to break. Almost like it was related to her expanding belly" and "It feels... complete when you're here, Jacob. Like all my family is together." I hated reading that. He should've imprinted on that nice girl Lizzie, from the park. Surely Stephenie Meyer could've come up with something else to keep Nessie alive? Onto similarly disturbing things but less revolting in the long run, Bella's story here seems to be an attempt at pro-life propaganda that backfired. The reason? Bella makes a choice about her body, and though most of them don't like it, they don't force her to do otherwise. People seem to forget that being pro-choice also means the choice to stay pregnant even when it's best not to. Bella makes that decision and she's absolutely sure of it, at the expense of her life and health, but it's hers to make. She is pitted against Edward, who would absolutely force her to have an abortion if he had backup, and who is also losing his damn mind. He insists to Jacob that Carlisle would help him if not for Esme, and that Rosalie doesn't care about Bella's life, only the baby's. Carlisle himself tells Jacob he would never take the choice away from Bella, and context shows that Rosalie is protecting Bella's choices and bodily autonomy, and carrying out her last wishes to ensure the baby is brought into the world healthy. Remember that Rosalie had all her choices taken from her, and all she wanted for Bella was for her to make the right ones. Edward doesn't change his stance until he discovers the baby has thoughts that can be read, and loves Bella. Once again, this seems to have been an attempt at showing that babies have thoughts and feelings in the womb, but it does almost the opposite as Bella is a day away from full term and not once has anything been picked up by either him or Jasper before that point. It's safe to assume there was nothing to pick up on. The pregnancy ends with a truly horrifying birth scene that made my hands go numb and my ears ring from the violence of it all. Bella dies, Jacob imprints on a minutes-old baby and begins his journey as a child groomer, and then Bella comes back and begins her transformation. Book 3: Bella. Or as I like to call it: It all goes downhill from here. Bella has the most unrealistic yet brutal experience ever, and is now a super sexy, super perfect, super powerful, super smart vampire. She has a perfect baby, perfect control of her bloodlust, and somehow the perfect life. But oh no! The Volturi are threatening that peace! Who could have predicted that the last remaining villains would appear in the last book? Now Bella and the rest of the Cullens have to find their friends to stop the Volturi in their track, but peacefully of course, because they are the good guys really! Just a misunderstanding! I'm so glad that was addressed in story, because I would not have been able to deal with a pro-police/pro-dictator story in this political climate. The most unrealistic part of this is when the Volturi don't simply assert their vampire dominance over them by killing them all without taking their own witnesses. I didn't like how Bella suddenly became perfect and good at everything in this book. It's so unrealistic. Less than a month to become the strongest shield ever and be able to scare the ancient Volturi? Perfect control on her first hunt? I think not thank you. There was also a missed opportunity to have Bella be a psychic of some kind since she dreamt of the future accurately many times. Renesmee was very sweet though, and that's all I'll say on that. Now onto my lists! Differences between book and film This was mostly pretty accurate in terms of plot. - Edward's backstory that we see pre-wedding isn't a thing in the book. It actually isn't a thing in any of the main books, but I can't speak for the others. - Bella knows about the immortal children before the book even starts, and she's the one to realise that Irina thought Renesmee was one herself. - The wedding is inside. The film had it outside I'm pretty sure. - The whole part where Jacob freaks out and borrows a very fancy sports car to go and try to find his imprint was never in the films, and I think that's a tragedy. Vampires - The appearance of the nicknames Em and Jazz for Emmett and Jasper. It's not at all important I just thought it was cute. - Half vampire babies use their teeth to escape the womb. Also, Renesmee was trying to be careful to not hurt Bella while she was still inside her. She started reading when she was under 3 months. If I saw a baby read aloud in full sentences I'd never sleep again. - Edward called Jacob "Jake" in book 3. It's weird how their relationship changes throughout the book. - Poor Renesmee knows it's because of her that the Volturi are coming, and says "This is my fault." She's just a few months old at this point, and she's already going through a whole lot. - The volturi look like someone threw baby powder on them because they sat still for so long they started "petrifying". - There are 32 Volturi members, considering they took the whole coven with them to Forks. - Fun Bella fact: she was going to let Charlie assume what was up with her because she thinks he will never decide on vampire. Red Flags Most of these have been discussed in depth so I'll just mention them briefly. - Edward, pre wedding, is described as having a "panic attack" by Bella at the thought of hurting her, and instead of reassuring him she brushes him off and thinks "He wasn't getting out of this deal. Not after insisting I marry him first." This is beyond selfish and even cruel, because he has a point and genuine concerns that should have been discussed properly. - "We're going to get that thing out before it can hurt any part of you." Edward has decided this for himself, without Bella's input. - Jacob contemplates suicide over the thought of having to see Leah. This is absolutely not something that should be talked about like it's nothing. - The imprinting of Quil and Claire. - Every bit of foreshadowing about Jacob imprinting on Renesmee, and the act itself. - Rosalie calls the place in South America where the half vampire myths originated "a disease-infested swamp with a medicine man smearing sloth spit across your face" in relation to giving birth there, and it's more than a little racist. How would she even know what it's like? - "the Egyptians all looked so alike, with their midnight hair and olive-toned pallor, that they could have easily passed for a biological family" The white, blonde Denali sisters were never ever described this way, so why are the non-white people described as such? - Bella had "never met any vampires less civilized" than the Amazons. They have long black braids, so we can assume they aren't white. Why are only the non-white vampires being described these ways? - Bella describes the rough area where she met 1 person, who was working for J Jenks and happened to be Black, but was well dressed in rich clothes, as the "ghetto address". Upon googling, I learnt that this refers to low income areas of a city that are occupied by minorities. She met one person. How could she possibly know if it was the "ghetto"? It was described as the "downtown office" by Max, the man in question, so why wouldn't she just use that term? - Jacob gives Renesmee the Quileute equivalent of a promise ring. I want to throw up, because we all know what a promise ring symbolises. - Lastly but certainly not leastly, when learning Renesmee will be full grown at age 7, Bella feels a "shudder" from Jacob. I hate it, it's gross, it needs to burn. Disgusting. And that's that, sorry it's so long, I had a lot to say. If you have any opinions on this review, feel free to discuss with me!

#twilight #twilight renaissance #breaking dawn #book review #book blogger #Books and Literature #next up is Midnight Sun!!

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emdop · 5 years

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The Fuckening: Modern YA Fantasy Misunderstands Feminism and Effective Plot Structure

Alright, mother fuckers, buckle up. Like most book lovers, I read many books and I’m always searching for the next one that will make me develop a hyper-fixation. Nothing beats the rush of finding media so good that time loses all meaning and you’d sell your soul for the next hit of content. The amazingness directly results from being rare. So in between the moments of stuffing your face full of your favorite characters, the other books are read. The ones that could have been good but aren’t successful. The ones with the lying, beautiful covers used to lure readers into forking over crumpled cash while hugging the hopefully precious gem. Then, all the words are read and the covers are closed, and there’s only the silence of disappointment and mediocrity.

Anyway, I read a book. Shocking, I know. It had so much promise and as I delved into the first fifty pages; I thought I found a winner. Then it started to sink in a massive Titanic kind of way. This book was Wicked Saints by Emily A. Duncan (this essay/rant will have spoilers and will discuss the ending). I’m prefacing this rant with a disclaimer, not because I’m trying to side-step backlash, but because I feel it’s worth mentioning. This is all my opinion and if you loved this book with all your heart, that’s awesome! I understand why someone would spend time reading, writing, and engaging with it. It’s possible to recognize the weaknesses of a piece of media and still like it; I just happen to not like it because of those weaknesses. Returning to my point, the pitfalls, mistakes, and blandness of this book are rampant throughout Young Adult literature, particularly in Fantasy. As a writer myself, I’m not immune to committing the same sins, but I think it’s valuable to examine why and how these unfortunate tropes keep appearing. I have several points I want to explore in this essay, but the main two are the pretend feminist values and poor writing craft.

Part One: YA Book Feminism and Bland Female Characters

Wicked Saints is marketed as a book about a girl who can communicate with gods and draw power from them. Her magic is rare in a world full of blood magic users and as the war between her country, Kalayazin, and the opposing force, Tranavia, clashes on her front porch, readers are led to believe that she’s an integral part of how this war will end. I was here for this. I was so ready to scream about this book to anyone who will listen. Now, I’m screaming about it for a different reason.

Nadya, our human incarnation of the god’s Walkie-Talkie, is not like other girls. She’s special and powerful and exceptional. At first, I bought this lie, much like I did with every other book like this one. I thought, finally, here’s a badass heroine who will take charge of her life and wield her powers to create a lasting peace or at least kill everyone. When the readers meet Nadya, she’s living in a monastery to hide from Tranavians since her magic is so rare and powerful, they’re sure to seek her destruction. Then, they find her, or rather Tranavia’s prince, Serefin, (a boy-general, because adults don’t exist in YA) does. Serefin tries to kill Nadya, but she escapes with help of Forgettable Best Friend.

Lately, I’m reading a trend of books that build a “strong” female narrator by giving her some sass, adding a rare but useless magic, and having her not die. Then they slap words like empowering, feminist, or well-crafted into the marketing campaign and call it good representation. This isn’t quite what happened with Wicked Saints, but I had the impression that Nadya would be more than what she actually was in the book. The hardback cover has the words “Let them fear her,” engraved into it for gods’ sake. I thought she was going to at least do something.

Okay, there was one time she did something. While on the run from Serefin and the other Tranavians, Nadya and Forgettable Best Friend find a group of misfits being attacked. Nadya, in the confusion of who’s an enemy and who’s an ally, asks the gods for help. One responds by vanishing all light for like ten minutes or something. This scene is one reason I bought the lie that Nadya was going to be a Bad Ass Mother Fucker, but this is the only time I remember her using any kind of significant power. In fact, once the plot gets going, Nadya is cut off from her powers almost entirely. I’ll get to that later. Back to the group of misfits, which includes a broody, yet totally handsome Tranavian, Malachiasz, and bam, we’ve found the love interest. Malachiasz is a Vulture which I understood as a privatized military group that’s ruthless, skilled, and detached from the world (no family or friends). So, Nadya hates him on site, but Malachiasz has defected and has like emotion now. They argue a bunch and exchange heated glances.

Now that we’ve introduced our male characters (Serefin, Malachiasz, and some other dude in the misfit group), our plot gets going. There’s nothing wrong with introducing characters to start a plot, that’s how story-telling works. What I’m finding frustrating in this book and many others like it, is that the male characters make most of the decisions. They show the most autonomy and participate in the drama/action. Serefin is leading an army, making command decisions, and drinking copious amounts of alcohol (I don’t have time to get into the drinking to drown your feelings is Not Good argument, but know that this book doesn’t call out his addict behavior). Malachiasz and his band of friends are planning to assassinate the king. The female characters have run away, observed, and turned out the lights. Where is the girl who’s inspiring fear in the gods themselves? Where is the girl who’s fighting for justice and her future? Granted we’re only a hundred pages in at this point, so I’ll excuse it for now.

In the meantime, the king calls Serefin back to the palace for Rawalyk, an event where noble women compete against each other to win the prince’s hand in marriage. Nadya and crew travel to Tranavia and disguise themselves as people participating in the event. I forgot to mention that the Tranavians only use blood magic and hate the gods, and in an effort to keep them out, the king put a barrier around the country, which keeps Nadya from using her powers. Convenient. And so very disappointing. As per their plan, Nadya has to get close enough to the king to kill him, so she uses Rawalyk to gain access. Nadya offends one of the other suitors and the suitor challenges her to an Agni Kai—sorry, different story, a duel, rather. Nadya has to pretend to use blood magic, so she can hide her true identity. Near the point of winning the duel, Nadya realizes it’s to the death, but she doesn’t want to kill the girl, so she tells her she’ll spare her. Then, Malachiasz uses his magic to end the girl’s life. Again, there are male characters forcing the plot forward while the female character’s agency is stripped.

We’re now over two hundred pages in and Nadya hasn’t done shit except for worry about her crush and follow other people. Our narrator is a “powerful” girl, but the most interesting characters are boys and only male characters move the plot forward. I guess, who needs a personality or autonomy when you can have a love interest? To make matters worse, in the middle of all this crap, she’s thinking about her male best friend who died, but is coming back in book two, and not even Forgettable Best Friend who is actively trying to help them. Nadia thinks to herself “Kostya. You’re doing this for Kostya, she reminded herself,” (Duncan 256). Kostya was in this book for like five pages, who the fuck is this bitch? Why does anyone care? Why can’t she be going on this quest for herself, for her country, for her supposedly beloved gods?

YA Fantasies keep prioritizing and valuing the actions of male characters over female ones. There are exceptions, but they only prove the rule. I’ve seen this repeatedly in books like City of Bones, Caraval, Shadow & Bone, Harry Potter, and now Wicked Saints. Some of those books are my favorite books, but if I never critique them, I’ll never want better or search for books that do more. I want to see more YA fantasies treat female characters like their male ones. I want female characters who participate in the narrative, make mistakes, experience success, and, I don’t know, have some ambition and goals. They should use their talents and be integral to the plot, because Wicked Saints’ plot still could have happened without Nadya.

Part Two: Character Development and Effective Plot Structure

Let’s get into this dumpster fire of an ending. While staying at the palace and pretending to be a suitor to the prince, Nadya uncovers parts of Malachiasz’s past and finds out he’s the leader of the Vultures who’s disappeared for reasons unknown. Nayda gets captured and tortured and learns that her gods may not be who she thinks they are, and she has her own power that she can always use. And does she use it? Not really. She questions everything, but not Malachiasz. Him, she makes out with. Nadya’s group and Serefin’s converge and they trust each other because they both want the same thing: the king dead. Serefin knows his father is trying to kill him and uses the help of the misfits, including, plot twist, his cousin, Malachiasz.

Serefin doesn’t understand why his father wants to marry him off and plotting to kill him at the same time, and eventually, Malachiasz talks about his past. He became the leader of the Vultures and was researching the gods when he figured out, in theory, how to become one. He gave this information to the king and you can imagine how a narcissistic king will feel about that. Malachiasz regrets his actions and runs away. Part of the process of becoming a god involves ingesting the blood of powerful magic users, hence the Rawalyk event and Nadya’s torture; they were collecting blood from the suitors. The king also has to sacrifice the prince to complete his goals. Together, they come up with a plan to corner the king while he’s attempting to perform the ceremony to become a god and kill him.

It all goes spectacularly wrong. Serefin gets captured and killed by his father, but he doesn’t die? I don’t know; there were a lot of moths involved and I was very confused. Malachiasz and Nadya go after the king and there’s a mediocre fight scene. Nadya kills the king but not after like three pages of her debating why Malachiasz is just chilling on the throne and watching this all happen. Malachiasz betrays the group, taking the power for himself. Nadya has the nerve to be surprised and heartbroken. He turns into a bird-like thing and flies out the window into the darkness.

The only time Nadya uses her own magic to do something it turns out to be in service to a male character’s goals. I’m tired and I hope you are too. Anyway, this section’s purpose is to look at effective plot structure. Wicked Saints meanders for three hundred pages trying to tie together a book about war, marriage competition, and religion. When the plot points all converge for the last eighty pages, we ultimately learn nothing more than we did at page 200. If this is a book about villains than why are minimally bad things happening? Why did no one die except for the throw away character at the book’s beginning? Why aren’t there more consequences for the character’s actions? My questions are answered by pointing at the poor plot structure and terrible character development. This book is run by boring characters whose actions don’t amount to anything, and that’s when they actually do something. Characters should evolve or devolve depending on the narrative. They should enact the plot, not have the plot happen to them. The few times we get characters changing, it’s followed by the most basic plot twists. Looking at Malachiasz in particular, we meet him while he’s plotting to kill the king with his new acquaintances, then he meets Nadya. She calls him a monster a million times, and he doesn’t deny it. They plot to kill the king again. By the end, we find out he’s only in this for himself and surprise, he’s not a good guy! Did not see that coming.

Continuing my rant on Malachiasz, Wicked Saints has one of the poorest representations of anxiety that I have seen in a long time. (Note: right after this I read Truly Devious and boy, the whip lash I had from that transition. From one the worst to one of the absolute best). Before I rip into this terrible character development, let me discuss two things: one, I don’t know if the author suffers from anxiety. It’s possible that Duncan experiences it very differently than me, and this may be good rep for someone else (I have my doubts about this since I can shred it like wet tissue paper, but I’m willing to mention this possibility). Two, considering Malachiasz’s turn to The Dark Side, it may have been purposeful bad representation. Essentially, he never had anxiety, just needed Nadya to trust him. Okay, with that out of the way, let me scream this: ANXIETY IS NOT CUTE. IT’S NOT A FUN, QUIRKY CHARACTER TRAIT. PLEASE FOR LOVE OF MEDUSA, STOP USING MENTAL ILLNESS AS A CRUTCH FOR YOUR INABILITY TO WRITE COMPLEX CHARACTERS.

The only thing we know about his anxiety is that he bites his nails. Sigh. I’m sorry it’s just that the more I think about it, the angrier I get. Wicked Saints came in an OwlCrate box and in the letter from the author to the reader she describes Malachiasz as “a boy whose earnest anxiety hides monstrous secrets.” Except anxiety doesn’t hide what you’re feeling, in fact it often puts your deepest fears on display for other people to see and usually at the worst moment. Anxiety has a million symptoms, many of which can be observed from the outside and thus easily incorporated from the point of view of a non-anxious character. Here’s a list: panic attacks, hyperventilating, shaking, hypervigilance, irritability, restlessness, sweating, tense muscles, difficulty sleeping, and fatigue. Sometimes Malachiasz displays fatigue and irritability, but it’s when the other characters are in the same headspace, so it doesn’t count, because it can easily be chocked up to circumstance, not mental illness.

If we ignore the author’s implication that his anxiety is earnest and assume that he faked it to gain Nadya’s trust, we get to a problem. The book never explores how he lied or parses through where he’s genuine, so, I have to assume that he was supposed to have anxiety. He’s called a monster so many times I got irritated. Aside the fact that it’s offensive to make the only mentally ill character a “monster,” it’s downright annoying to read a million times. Malachiaz is an attempt at a morally gray character. He makes decisions that only benefit himself, but sometimes he saves lives or kisses a girl, so some parts of him are still good. I’m okay with that, what I’m not okay with is piss poor characterization. People with anxiety can be bad! But if you make your villain anxious, it should be for a better reason than he needed a personality.

After I finished this book, I looked through some Good Reads reviews and many of the users pointed out something I hadn’t noticed. To use the blood magic, characters had to cut themselves, and reviewers found they didn’t like how this glorified self-harm. Many suggested that a trigger warning for self-harm should be placed at the beginning or the magic system should have been handled with more sensitivity. As someone who does not have personal experience with self-harm, I won’t elaborate and instead let other people make of it what they will.

There were two parts of the book’s description that sold me on it: one, the girl talks to gods, and two, a star-crossed romance. We already know how disappointed I was about that first plot point, now let’s talk about the other disappointment of the day. A fantastic rule going around on the internet goes “if they have to kiss for you to know they’re in love, it’s not good romance.”

I will say something that may offend many people, but hopefully you’ll stick with me. Young Adult Fantasy books have bad romances. They’re underdeveloped, poorly crafted, and overused. Romance is my favorite genre, and I love seeing it in other types of books, but many times YA fantasies have the worst romances. Despite being constantly undervalued, romance sells and adding it to books usually helps pique people’s interest. But you don’t just “add” it to your book, because romance is hard to write. Hold on, I need that in capital letters. ROMANCE IS HARD TO WRITE. Good romance comes from nuance, established trust, chemistry, and gradual character developments. If a writer doesn’t do those things, you get insta-love, which isn’t satisfying or believable.

Wicked Saints tries to do an enemies-to-lovers trope. Nadya and Malachiasz don’t spend enough time together to develop a proper friendship much less a romance. They have legitimate reasons to hate each other and neither of them seem to change enough for it to be justified that their feelings have evolved. Nadya loses contact with the gods, but that should serve as a crisis of her own faith, not an automatic belief in something else. Her willingness to ignore Malachiasz’s obvious red flags is beyond frustrating and I can’t believe the book wanted me to be surprised that he betrayed the group at the end. Anyway, it’s time to make some conclusions, otherwise this essay/rant will never end.

Part Three: How Did We Get Here?

Wicked Saints is not the first to do these exact mistakes, and it’s here because of its predecessors. What other books do we know that have a Russian culture theme, a useless female narrator, and a love interest who’s bad? That’s right. I’m about to bring up the internet’s infamous Grisha trilogy. Throughout my entire reading experience, I was struck by the similarities of these books to the point where I was sure I was reading a fanfiction AU of Shadow and Bone. These books are so similar it had me wondering about plagiarism (I’m mostly kidding about that). The Grisha trilogy and Wicked Saints use the same tired tropes and rely on the readers need to self-insert to make up for the narrator’s lack of personality.

How do we get books that shout about feminism but don’t incorporate it? Books are written by humans and humans live in a flawed world. Art doesn’t exist in a vacuum and so many of the things we create are flawed. Sometimes, what we meant to write isn’t what is written. An author may have every intention of creating strong, complex female characters, but through the difficulty of writing, poor planning, and a host of other reasons, the result is a bland, useless character. Many times, these characters are touted for having magnificent powers, but they never seem to use them or if they do its only in small ways. This happens, in part, because if the character is all-powerful then there’d be no plot, so to create tension the author takes the power away, scales it back, or adds an obstacle in the way of using said power. This is all well and great, but it often leaves readers feeling like the book duped them into believing this character is special. People don’t like to feel as though they’ve been lied to. In my opinion, “Gotcha” plots and character developments result from bad writing. With Wicked Saints there weren’t “Gotcha” moments so much as there were “please stop being a dumb bitch” moments. Nadya wanted to fall in love Malachiasz and the whole time I kept asking myself why. He’s a saltine with pretty eyes and fucked up nails. Then there’s Serefin who instead of dealing with his problems, he gets drunk. His big plot point is that he doesn’t die and turns into a swarm of moths for a while which would have been cool if they explained it in any kind of manner.

Stopping the proceeding rant, I should make conclusions and end this before it gets more out of hand. YA fantasies aren’t progressing the way they should, and you could point to several books that do incredible things, but they’re in the minority. YA authors need to make their narrators complex and fully formed instead of literal sawdust. We need authors to create better female and non-binary characters who have the same agency as their male counterparts. They should stop including romance in the first book. Let the characters grow and breathe for a hot second. Gradual bonds made through several books are always more satisfying and well-crafted than a rushed romance in book one. Also, people in the publishing industry, please, please, please use sensitivity readers. Or maybe search for books written by Own Voice authors. I know for a fact there are incredible writers creating amazing works out there. I’ve interacted with them. Someone publish their books before my head explodes.

Tag list: @weathershade @queenoffloweryhell @raywritesblog @saistudies @vesaeris-writes

#writeblr #books #book review #wicked saints #rant #long post #essay #ya fiction #ya fantasy #mentions self harm #problems in ya #writing is hard #i'm tired #lit essay #ranting about literature

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thesinglesjukebox · 4 years

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SELENA GOMEZ - LOSE YOU TO LOVE ME

[6.17]

We like it like a lose song, maybe...

Alex Clifton: I'm fascinated by songs where singers air their grievances and fans all know which specific people they are calling out. It's one of the reasons I fell in love with Taylor Swift's music way back in the day; I love a good gossip. Over the past eight years, I've worried about Selena with relation to Justin Bieber constantly. Not my relationship, I know, but he seemed like an immature asswipe when Selena could do much better. She's avoided discussing Bieber in much of her previous music. Even the songs that were definitely about him ("Love Will Remember," "The Heart Wants What It Wants") were written in abstract terms so you'd only really know the subject if you spent time following the Selena/Justin drama. Cut to "Lose You to Love Me," where she goes for the kill: "in two months you replaced us," a clear reference to Justin suddenly moving onto his now-wife Hailey. Such a vulnerable and specific track is a strong statement from Selena, who in the past two years has stayed relatively out of the public eye and is now ready to share parts of her story. There's no red scarf here, not that level of minutiae, but frankly she doesn't need it when much of her toxic and turbulent relationship with Bieber played out in the tabloids. And god it's so cathartic. It's an acknowledgement of hurt and anger but a phoenix move for Selena; she's rising from the debris stronger than before, and she wants you to know it. I'm so pleased for her. In the immortal words of her friend Taylor, "she lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything." [8]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: A decade into her career as one of the world's most popular artists, it's worth noting that Selena Gomez's ascent to fame was improbable. She didn't have the most powerful voice, dance skills, or even a number one hit -- but especially early in her career, she was able to leverage her very public personal life to fuel interest in her music: a Disney fan base, a feud with Demi Lovato which the media loved to cover, membership in Taylor Swift's entourage, and, of course, most significantly, an infamous on-and-off-again relationship. But over the past four years, Selena has developed an effective signature vocal style -- hushed, controlled whispers which burst into moments of pop brilliance -- which makes it clear that her music is more than capable of standing on her own. So it's all the more frustrating then, that after seeing how stellar her music can be removed from celebrity context, that the first song we get off her long awaited third solo album is yet another song about Justin Bieber. But while I initially rejected "Lose You to Love Me" as a regression into formulaic pop balladry, there's a surprising amount of depth. The song sounds like genuine healing, coming from an artist singing her truth. Her voice is soft but powerful, emotive but not overwrought, reflective but not nostalgic. A line like "now the chapter is closed and done" could land cliché and hollow, but Selena sings it like someone who finally took a breath of fresh air for the first time in years. This is all to say: if we have to listen to this one last song about Justin Bieber, at least it's the first genuinely compelling one, and a step in seeing her evolution as an artist and celebrity. [7]

Leah Isobel: When Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake broke up, he got to project his messy breakup feelings outward; he produced imagery about spying on her doppelganger and fantasizing about her death. But for Selena -- Timberlake's 2010s tabloid counterpart -- unrepentant sleaze is a much riskier proposition, at least on the charts. Instead, she sublimates her anger, returning to the baby-voiced Julia Michaels wheelhouse. The mass of vocal effects on the chorus is surprisingly effective, but for an artist who was briefly one of the more progressive voices on Top 40 radio, this defanged "Everytime" is a little disappointing. [4]

Katherine St Asaph: Piano ballads are to music what Joseph Campbell is to narratives. Not a song but a beat on a storyboard -- barely a storyboard, even, but tabloid kerfuffle. [1]

Michael Hong: Selena Gomez's career has long mirrored Demi Lovato's, from child acting stints on Barney & Friends to the release of their fifth studio albums within a week of each other in 2015. Here she goes for something similar to Lovato's "Sober," released last year as a sort of song-as-a-statement -- though Gomez's statement is more uplifting than heartbreaking. "Sober" was a rare instance where Lovato never pushed her voice too far, with its statement made more effective by the events that followed; her confession came across as authentically personal as it unfolded in real-time. "Lose You to Love Me," like "Sober," is stripped down to its bare bones for a more intimate feeling, but here, it's questionable whether the quiet dynamic is one of Gomez's stylistic choices or a symptom of her limited vocal range. There are interesting touches, like the echo-chamber effect on her voice for the line "in two months, you replaced us," which makes the following lines about being broken all the more devastating. But there are also moments like the choir vocals on the final chorus that are predictably overwrought. While "Lose You to Love Me" is a delicately gorgeous and uplifting track, its statement is diminished by how tiresome the Gomez-Bieber narrative feels. We're no longer watching her relationship end in the present, but instead seeing Selena Gomez finally claim closure on a relationship that has long since run its course (at least in the public eye). More interesting is the single released the following day, which features the offbeat personality she's carved out for herself over the past few years and is equally effective at demonstrating that Selena Gomez has moved on. [6]

Alfred Soto: In a tradition of self-reflexive love songs, she tells us she'll sing the chorus off-key (it sounds okay to me). Maybe this line represents one of Selena Gomez's contributions. If I see Julia Michaels, I think of phony uplift, of which the chorus has hints. Then Gomez counters with a slightly hoarse, un-melodramatic dropping of the line, "You promised the world and I fell for it. A performance with grandness in its bones, and it almost succeeds. [6]

Stephen Eisermann: I'm a sucker for big, cathartic choruses, but the verses really let me down here. Between Selena's weird vocal, the melodramatic strings, and the unintentionally funny lyrics (I'm not convinced that the whole singing off-key line isn't a bit that she's delivering with a wink), it's really hard to take the track seriously. But when that big booming chorus hits, backing vocals and all, you can almost feel Selena letting go of everything Bieber did to her. And that, that's lovely. It's also why the other track released after this is so much better. [5]

Joshua Copperman: A song that's perfectly in tune with 2019-type sad music yet unafraid to be huge. It doesn't have the stakes of "Praying" or the bounce of "It Ain't Me," but that's not a problem. The gang vocals that plagued so much of mid-to-late 2010s pop -- including Selena Gomez's own music -- blossom into a full choir, beautifully contrasting with her usual hushiness. It should be Real Music-y --even the lyrics are less playful and twee than Michaels and Tranter usually go, barring the "killing me softly" shoehorn and obvious title -- but because of how thin Gomez's voice sounds, it's not. (The most Michaels-y touch is the backing vocals going "to love, to love" instead of "to love me, love me" like I'd thought, as in "I needed to lose you to love again at all.") The pop most beloved non-mainstream artists are producing is proudly campy, and that's great! Gomez seems to be headed in that direction too with "Look at Her Now," but this unexpected pivot to pathos inexplicably works thanks to the strategic arrangement and lyricism. [9]

Kayla Beardslee: It's fascinatingly difficult to determine where Julia Michaels' style ends and Selena Gomez's begins, and the whispered melodies and "Issues" violins here don't help. Although Gomez's voice can sometimes be aggressively pleasant, she digs in enough to communicate real emotion here, and the choir backing vocals are surprisingly powerful. The song makes a poignant, if heavy-handed, statement about maturing and finding your identity, amplified by this being her comeback single: Ariana has "thank u, next," Miley has "Slide Away," and now Selena has "Lose You to Love Me." [7]

Jackie Powell: While Julia Michaels has commented that Selena Gomez is indeed a songwriter, I still don't believe that's the proper term to describe her contributions to music. Gomez is a storyteller first and foremost. That's the term: storyteller. Sometimes those can be interpreted as synonymous or givens of each other, but let's remember that Gomez has been telling stories since she was seven years old. Her art is most successful when she's in control of her narrative and knows exactly what story she's about to tell. When she has the opportunity to perform her stories, she goes all out and sells it exactly as someone who's been on stage since childhood can. That may sound like something Ariana Grande has done in the past year or so with "thank u, next," since both "Lose You to Love Me" and that highlight some of the most dramatic breakups in pop culture. But as Tatiana Cirisano pointed out for Billboard, Gomez's approach is the contrapositive to Grande's. Both cuts are relatable and have a commitment to empowerment and autonomy, but Gomez makes her track a moment without a teen movie pastiche. Her choice to emphasize and crescendo on the lyrics "In two months you replaced us" and "Made me think I deserved it" speak loudly. This track is all about its dynamics in its minimalistic glory. Imagine Gomez was performing a monologue. That's the type of choice a storyteller makes. Justin Tranter and Michaels provide the melody and the nuts and bolts, but the concept is clearly all Gomez. The backing vocals in each chorus from Tranter and Michaels are symbolic of what they've meant to Gomez over the years. They've been by her side every step of the way and have lifted her up. That's beautiful. What's also beautiful is if I ever wanted to learn more about Justin Bieber, the lyrics "Sang off-key in my chorus / 'Cause it wasn't yours" tell me all I need to know. [8]

Josh Buck: The Selena Gomez x Julia Michaels joints never miss. [6]

Abdullah Siddiqui: Selena Gomez's discography in the last four years has largely consisted of stylistic meandering and incomplete ideas. She hasn't quite been able to settle on a sound or a narrative. This feels like she's starting from scratch. It's a pretty solid place to start. [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

#Selena Gomez #pop #music #music review #writing

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wavemaker9 · 5 years

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So far I think Toni has like 4 potential ships for him? Remind me if I’m forgetting anyone but so far I think it’s just Cami, Mel, Gil, and Ivan who’ve gotten a focus on.

I also think I already touched on how Cami’s the best for Toni in the same way that Mel is for Austin and Ivan is for Kyle, so I prolly don’t need to go too deep into those two. I will say I had the thought the other day of like a need vs want thing with the three boy’s ships, and like. I think it was that Austin needs Mel but doesn’t usually want her right away, Kyle both wants and needs Ivan like right at the start, and like. Toni needs Cami a little but I do think he wants her more than he needs her. Mainly just cause like. We’ve discussed this in discord but not on here so basically for a written record, We were talking about Cami being a source of character development for Toni in GTA AU but then countered that because in GTA AU he really doesn’t develop any from his relay with Cami. He does for a little bit I guess but then regresses right back to normal because he’s a dumb idiot who learns nothing from his mistakes. It’s the same thing with the issue with Gil, he doesn’t come away from that going “I need to value and trust my friends more because we care about each other and I’ve known them long enough to not only recognize that, but /recognize it in a way that adjusts my behavior accordingly/”. He doesn’t. Like. If you talked him through the whole thing with Gil and Francis, you could get him to quickly admit he genuinely doesn’t believe there’s any way that Gil or Francis would, unprovoked, betray him. But then also be like “But technically there’s some way, so gotta be prepared.” HE’S THAT BATMAN LINE. THE DUMB ONE ABOUT “IF TEHRE’S A .1% CHANCE HE COULD BE OUR ENEMY WE HAVE TO TREAT THAT AS A 100% CERTAINTY!” Dumb idiot. I think it’s just that like. Because Toni wants to be prepared for everything so that he can handle everything, he has a hard time prioritizing probability over possibility. And that’s probably true in any AU but especially in ones like GTA where he has more to lose and has learned to be more paranoid. He knows the probability of Gil betraying him is like so small it’s basically 0%, but also Toni can think of ways that would force Gil to pick a side and have Toni be that losing side. Threatening Ludwig is the biggest one (and I’d assume there’d be an equivalent for Francis of “if someone threatened X if Francis didn’t betray me, he’d have to pick X”), but Toni probably also assuming that if it came down to a thing of picking Francis or him, Gil’d pick Francis. Similarly, Toni assumes Francis would pick Gil if Gil forced Francis’ hand, while not also considering the fact that if your two causes are “Francis would betray me if Gil made him” and “Gil would betray me if Francis made him” and you don’t have any other factor that would prompt either Francis or Gilbert to make that move to push the other in the first place, then those aren’t really possible/probable causes are they, Toni? Even if the other cause is “Someone threatened Ludwig/X to make Gil/Francis betray me, but he doesn’t want to fight me directly so he’s then convincing Francis/Gil to do it.” like. His independent mentality doesn’t even have him consider “They would come to me and the two of us could work out how to save Ludwig/X together.” He just assumes betrayal because that’s how shit works in Los Santos, and because he assumes betrayal even in the .1% chance this extreme event happens, he feels he has to be prepared for it and won’t fucking chill about it. And even when it’s pointed out to him “Do you realize how unrealistic this is,” that’s not what he cares about. He knows it’s unrealistic, but that doesn’t make it impossible. It’d be like always wearing a life jacket 24/7 in case your house floods. You can point out how unlikely the flooding is at any given time, but he’ll just counter “and then what if it happens and then I don’t have a life jacket????” Like I guess you’re technically prepared, sure, but at what cost. Ugh, Toni’s the worst, I can’t believe I took this character I liked the best out of my three and made him the worst in his inability to learn a goddamn lesson.

Similarly, GTA Toni doesn’t learn a goddamn thing from what happens with Cami either. He doesn’t learn to communicate better, he doesn’t learn to trust people and put more faith in their choices, he doesn’t learn not to lie needlessly. To him, it’s not a factor of “Things would be better if I HAD told the truth” and more “Things would be better if I’d BEEN ABLE to tell the truth” because he’s still in some dumb mindset of unintentionally not respecting Cami’s (or anyone’s, really) autonomy. He /couldn’t/ tell Cami the truth, he /couldn’t/ 100% trust Gil and Francis. Again, he’s not realizing that these were actual choices he made and are specifically his fault. They are what /had/ to happen because, given his own knowledge and no other input, they were the best option at the time and thus the only thing he could really do. Even after Cami snaps at him about how much his break up with her and everything hurt her, he laments factors that were outside of his control instead of recognizing the choices he made weren’t good. If only he hadn’t gotten into the crime business, if only he’d met Cami earlier in his life, if only X, if only Y, blah blah blah. He recognizes that he made things worse here, but it still feels to him like “cami would have been better off if she never met me or if she’d met me before I got into crime” vs “cami would have been better off if I’d treated her with more actual respect and not this romanticized old version of respect where I pull her chair out for her but don’t ask for her opinion on major life decisions”. All of it basically boils down to ‘this wasn’t solely on me because I did what I /had/ to do given the circumstances. Nevermind that I could have changed the circumstances by discussing /anything/ with /anyone/. *hanzo voice* I do what I must.’ I touched on this in the fic with him and Gil, but Toni leans on excuses a lot more than he likes to think he does. During mel’s fake death, he calls out Kyle for not planning ahead and being aware of the consequences his actions have until they’ve already happened, but Toni has the exact opposite problem of /always/ trying to plan ahead to a harmful level and only being aware of the connection any consequences that happen may have with his actions until he actually does the thing and then any mistakes were a flaw in fate itself really, he did his best.

Anyway, fuck, that was supposed to be 1 paragraph about the generic dynamic of cami and toni, not multiple trainwrecks about what a trainwreck I turned that boy into in GTA AU. Back to the point. A lot of that is lessened in the handful of other AUs where Cami and Toni end up together even briefly, so that’s good at least. I mentioned to Khep the other day the idea of a similar thing happening with Toni in Color Coded AU of him having an interest in Cami after meeting her thanks to investigating her for PRISM, but when seeing how truly kind she is, him trying to step back because, while he does value PRISM for the help it gave him with his powers, he recognizes it’s shady and manipulative towards coders at best and doesn’t want Cami involved in that world. PRISM keeps a close eye on every one of its heroes, even those that leave/retire if it can, and Toni probably believing that while Cami could stay under the radar if staying on her own, any serious involvement with him would put her more at risk of PRISM’s lasting attention and she doesn’t deserve them watching over her and possibly deciding when she should and shouldn’t join. But in that one, he’d actually talk to her. Instead of spending his YA years as an independent and pseudo-paranoid crime leader, he spends them in a large community and as the leader of a team where communication is key. This Toni /knows/ that it’s important to ultimately trust people with information in order to better protect themself, and the only reason he’d hide info from Cami while trying to break things off would be at the very start since it’d probably take a little effort to find a way to communicate with Cami where he could be sure PRISM wouldn’t be keeping tabs. In other more chill AUs he tends to be better about that shit, too. Firefly AU was brought up since that’s another Toni that learns to lie with priority, but they don’t really end up together in that one so agreeing with the point there fo it not being as much of a thing? Mel and Gil feel like bigger factors into his development there than Cami does. Honestly, I can’t remember many other AUs where they even interact let alone date, now that I think about it tho? There’s the one happy one where they’re both single parents but that always felt more like a focus on the interaction between the kids/kids+parents vs between the parents, like honestly the TonixCami factor there was definitely back burner whenever I thought about it. Ugh, there has to be other AUs, right? Okay and I just went through my page of AU/Xover lists and it seems like no. Wait OUAT, I forgot that, but that’s also a bad one but not my fault. God we really do need better AUs for them. But honestly there aren’t many AUs for any of these ships we’re here to talk about so I guess I’ll be as assuming here as for the others.

I do feel like a non-GTA and the like AU where Toni and Cami can end up together is good. I’m still standing behind what I said in discord the other day of like. Toni is not necessarily the best end for /Cami/ if the AU has anyone else like Cian in it. I’ll also add something new of like. Even though Cami is probably the best of the options so far for Toni, she’s not the /ideal/ match either. Which, tbf, the same is true for Austin and Mel, honestly? It falls back to the need vs want thing. Kyle lucked out and got someone who helps him better himself while also being the type of person he absolutely adores. Austin’s best option would be someone who challenges him similar to how Mel does, but in a more reserved way and someone he has a bit more in common with. Someone he could start off wanting, instead of learning to want after a long while. (That’s also part of why Aud is a better fit for Mel too, since Aud is a bit more open and accepting of challenges and such due to her past vs Austin who is really not here as much to be significantly challenged; Aud isn’t /looking/ for a challenge either exactly, but she won’t back away from one as quickly as Austin will). For Toni and his ideal, there’s obviously the thing of like. Usually a relay with Toni isn’t great for her either since it’s just. Their relationships always feel very romanticized but not super realistic? I could see them having a long term relay and being happy, especially in more chill/neutral AUs like the adopted family AU one, but I think it takes them both a medium to /long/ while to relax around each other. Which isn’t… the worst, but also, it just feels a little unhealthy having to try /to that level/ in a relationship. Like trying in a relay is good, trying to seem perfect in a relay isn’t so much, and it’d probably take a few years to a decade or so before toni starts to feel comfortable not trying to the max 24/7. And that’d be exhausting, and that’s for Toni who is used to and honestly lowkey thrives in a challenging environment, because Cami would in turn likely also feel the need to always be at her best regardless of Toni’s reassurances, and that’d be even worse for someone like her who is NOT already confident and believes herself as being at the best level already. Eventually they could settle into a really nice comfortable life together, and I think it’d be very good for both of them at that point, because they’re both very caring and passionate people at their cores, but it’d probably be rough to start off with.

Mel is next on the list and honestly a very good match for him, too, although probably not as challenging as he would need to key points. I’ll cover this more for Gil and Ivan later on but I picture Cami and Gil are better at challenging Toni in ways that he could use given his flaws, where as Mel is more middle ground and. God, Ivan. We’ll get to Ivan. With Mel, it’s not that she wouldn’t be capable of challenging him or anything. She’s honestly probably the most prepared for that and can probably shut down a lot of shit the first time she sees it and knows it’s bad. Toni doesn’t talk to her about something important and just does X thing and her confronting him immediately on it. Same with like the one fic I did for the rarepair thing. She sees he’s not honest about who he is and what he likes, and she talks to him right away to kind of address that and why it’s important to her that that change even a little if they’re going to stay together. Really, they are a good match in that they either compliment or contrast each other well. They’re both active worker types who enjoy fighting and such, and though there’d have to be some competition between them, I could imagine it being treated as more playfully competitive than full on “I have to be the best” aggressive. Toni’s more diplomatic and that helps Mel with socializing some times and kind of getting her to take a hot second when angry to calm down and think through her reactions so she doesn’t get too mad and make more enemies than friends. They really do work very well together when they try and it’s not like having each other wouldn’t help better them. Honestly the main reason I don’t move Mel up to the highest potential pairing is just that I don’t picture Mel as the sort that would inspire him to naturally want to change on anything that’s a major issue for him. Like he wouldn’t naturally want to fix the communication thing, he’d just see that mel doesn’t like this so he’d fix it. One of the things that causes Cami to appeal to him most is her being so nice and sweet leads to him trying to be a naturally nicer person and just genuinely care more about people. Tone down that pride and judgement and be more open minded and selfless. The other thing, as we’ll get into with gil, isn’t something he thinks he needs as much initially but would probably learn to recognize a need for more, and that’s just chilling the /fuck/ out for once and just having a breather. Again, he thrives on challenge and stuff, he loves putting 110% into everything if he can, but like. Just relaxing and being chill and not being the best is okay too? And that’s not like “do the work, take a nap, get back to work” that’s like “I don’t have to be prepared to defend my non-existent title on everything to impress people. I can just relax and be myself genuinely and it’s probably fine.”

So let’s just move onto Gil then since that’s the big pro when Toni gets to date him. Honestly, at least atm, I think Gil is the only person Toni ever knows that he feels like he can 100% relax with? Francis is close in most AUs, probably like 95% in more chill scenarios, but Gil has a much more natural way about him where he’s just so honest, it’s infectious to Toni. It really is why he likes Gil so much. Francis is arguably cooler and more fashionable and confident, but Gil seems to have this fucking ultimate zen thing going of owning who he is so completely which even Toni hasn’t mastered yet, and Toni thinks that’s the coolest. Great humor and confidence is a big factor into Toni befriending Gil so closely. Gil can always make Toni relax and laugh and forget his worries for a bit and Toni has such a chill genuine fun time when with Gil, and, again, for someone like Toni who feels like he has to try 110% minimum at all times, feeling comfortable in the moment enough to not feel like he has to impress and watch himself is really nice. Honestly? I feel like there are a lot of things Toni likes that he’s just kind of filtered out of his personality because of reputation, and it’s only when hanging out with gil or the full group that he’ll find himself doing that kind of shit again because he feels like he can get away with it more when with gil and/or francis. Like in a lot of AUs Gil’s probably the first one to get out of Toni that he does like being called Toño more, to the point of I don’t even know if Toni often fully realizes it until Gil gets him to stop and consider it. Like there’s just a lot of stuff like that where Toni doesn’t even think about it anymore. He found ‘Toni’ was the name people found easiest growing up (usually) in America, so he went with that until it felt like his preferred name. God, honestly I think there’s just a lot of Toni’s personality that might not really be his personality and who knows what is or isn’t at any given time? He probably doesn’t on a lot. I sure don’t, I’ve never had this boy down pat. Hell, there’s already the thing of him naturally wanting to swear a lot but training himself to cut that out so he really only does it around Francis and Gil. Like. Maybe dressing up in high business casual all the time is just something he’s convinced himself he likes? What if I say he actually hated tomatoes as a kid and just whoever his guardian is in each AU loved them and made them a lot so he eventually tricked himself into liking them?? I can do anything with this new power, incredible! But yeah, maybe that’s another factor of liking hanging out with Gil too is not just “oh I get to relax and enjoy things I don’t normally allow myself too” but also “sometimes I remember I enjoy things I haven’t done in years and that’s nice”. Fucking Gil one day just questioning “Hey how come you say ‘probably’ or ‘probably not’ a lot when I ask if you like a thing instead of just yes or no?” and then through a slow convo of having to break down toni’s answers because even toni doesn’t realize fully that he does this, that finally coming out and gil just baffled once things click. Gil showing up the next day with a bunch of foods from the store for toni to try and actually see if he likes them. Toni like I don’t think this is how it works, Gil. Gil teasing back ‘maybe you’ve just convinced yourself you don’t think this is how it works when the REAL toni would love my idea? It’s impossible to know!’ and toni just laughing but conceding, sure, yeah, sounds 100% legit and not at all bullshit, what’s first on your goofball buffet, bud?

Okay, distracted again, back to the point. Toni relaxing is good, but I think it’s better as a friendship thing longer term? Toni relaxing every once in a while is a good break, but his morals and priorities and such slip when he’s not careful. Which leads us to the last boy on the list, Ivan. ...Listen. I /love/ the compare and contrast factor between Toni and Ivan because they really do have a surprising amount in common for not seeming like they would at a glance. A couple of terrible smile boys, love them, /but also/. Not the greatest influences on each other. This is especially true in verses like GTA and Nationverse with baggage. Toni tries to be a better person and move past his bloody history, but given who he is, it requires a /lot/ of maintaining. And like the pro with Gil is that I think Gil would still mostly be a good enough influence where even while encouraging toni to relax more, he’d still be a more good than bad influence in almost any AU. Like even GTA, Gil is a chaotic good sort, and that’d be important. But Ivan is decidedly not in those sorts of AUs, and pairings between him and Toni have the potential for being the worst in those. GTA (and probably Nationverse too?), Ivan loves prying at that mask of Toni’s and so tries to instigate him more, that would lead to Toni then pushing back, and like. A long term relay between them in those AUs would be hard. You factor in that Toni’s trust issues are worse in those and his darker instincts are way stronger from his history + Ivan also probably very similar on a lot of those points too and also just has not learned to respect human life at all tbh? Toni’s trying to respect human life, but yknow sometimes it’s hard???? (anyone else: I find it’s not hard at all not to murder people. I often go long periods of time without killing anybody! | toni and ivan: we all have our draughts) I just picture in those AUs they are too much of a chaotic force when together and it would be damaging for themselves and/or others. Plus the idea came up once between Avi and I of the GTA fling between them becoming more romantic but god you’d have to find the perfect storm to really make that happen to be honest? It’s not /impossible/ but it’s very unlikely. Toni doesn’t trust ivan enough to let himself become that close to him really, and if he couldn’t allow himself to let down his walls for cami, it’d be damn fucking hard to get him to do it for ivan in turn. He’d pull himself back before he did, and that could be another factor of ivan trying to pry at toni and see how much he can push him, see if he can pull him back in, but that would just further sour any possibility of an actual romantic relationship. In better AUs where they aren’t both bad kids, it’s a little more possible, but I still think even then, they wouldn’t be /great/ influences on each other. Definitely better! They both learn to try and be on better behavior, but. yknow. The bar was set low; there’s only so many AUs that aren’t better than gta au.

#ignore this #the boss kid #amusing muse musings #hey you au #crossovers! unlimited crossovers!

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hujikin · 6 years

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How Kubo developed Romance in bleach (IR mostly)

http://www.well-storied.com/blog/the-dos-and-donts-of-crafting-your-storys-love-interest (Here is the link I used to reference for any writers out there.)

Types In Bleach

Enemies to Lovers

Friends to Lovers

Love Triangles

Second Chances at Love

Rags-to-Riches Romances

Star-Crossed Lovers

Opposites Attract

Fated Romances

Pretend Relationships

Love at First Sight

Royal Romances

Arranged or Political Marriages

Isshin’s and Maskai’s love and destiny gets repeated in Ichigo and Rukia (sigh* Kubo o.o)

Here Kubo introduces love tri and displays jealousy in Orihime (I know some I/H is gonna say some ish about how IR isn’t romantic blah blah well look Orihime displayed a jealousy towards Rukia and her effect on Ichigo and this is after Rukia had said (lied ill explain) that she didn’ t like Ichigo so why feel jealous of a close friend? Why would Kubo put this in if it was unnecessary? She wasn’t jealous of Tatsuki, because Rukia is special to Ichigo in a way she is not.

Rukia shows the series signature fake smile as she puts up her actor front and denies feelings for Ichigo but we get a look into her inner thoughts and she mentions “love, companionship and friendship” And how her like or hate for Ichigo is troublesome. She wouldn’t mention love of she wasn’t thinking of it or feeling it. She also separated love and friendship, if all she felt was a simple friendship for Ichigo she wouldn’t need to say love. Then we take into consideration her expression Bleach’s signature fake smile; a smile in the series that shows that you are pretending, lying, holding back emotion and/or putting up a front. Multiple characters have used this smile (below). Why would Rukia use a fake smile while answering about her feelings for Ichigo? She has never been one to beat around the bush this here displays that Kubo wanted Rukia to have feelings for Ichigo different from friendship, something that was growing. He even titled the chapter Needless Emotions.

#1: CHOOSE THE TYPE OF CHEMISTRY YOU’D LIKE TO BUILD.

Chemistry is that potent magnetism that draws two people — or, in our case, characters — together.

• A bond over shared interests or experiences • A broadening of one another's horizons • A grounding balance between dichotomous personalities • A shared admiration for one another’s spirits

Love interests that do not have lives outside of their story's protagonists aren’t characters at all, I’d argue. They are objects, cardboard cutouts, prizes to be won.

Your love interest should exist as a fully-formed individual, with a life outside of the protagonist's story. ( >.> hmmm lol)

Ichigo is stubborn, short-tempered, strong-willed, impulsive, genuinely compassionate and empathetic towards others . outspoken, hot-headed demeanor

Rukia is grim, somber, stoic, straightforward, tactical, compassionate, selfless and had a difficulty making friends.

Before Rukia came along Ichigo did not smile because he blamed himself for his mother death. He was dealt with guilt and what some could say depression (rain in his heart) for years until after saving Rukia where we see his true smile for the first time, and this rain reappears many times to display Ichigo’s inner distress. Rukia is used as the cure to that distress multiple times, like here for example (below). One minute Ichigo is crying and covered in rain then after his powers are given back the rain stops completely and from then on out no one is getting rained on, not ginjou, Urahara, especially Ichigo, and so on, its as if that specific rain storm was related to Ichigo’s emotional turmoil and as soon as Rukia arrived and fixed everything it stopped. Also notice how of everyone Rukia is the only one that isn’ t getting wet by the rain (Kubo all the f-ing symbolism for nothing)

Rukia comes into the first arc as a character that looks defeated and emotionless because she blames her self for Kaien’s death, she is alone and the only family she has doesn’t speak to her. Ichigo teachers her to trust other, to make friends, to smile as well, and gives her a stronger will to live. Everything that Kaien once did for her Ichigo now does for her. She puts her trust in others and now feels joy. If we see Rukia changes in expression from the first chapter to the end of the SS arc you see just how much of a positive impact Ichigo has on her.(look below)

They balance each other out and as Orihime said they have pure chemistry, Rukia brings out a great Ichigo, an Okay Ichigo, and makes Ichigo feel better

chapter 181> chapter 1 (Ichigo and Rukia change in expression

#2: DEFINE YOUR PROTAGONIST’S ROMANTIC INTERESTS.

To choose the best type of chemistry to pursue in your story, you may find it helpful to first understand what your protagonist needs in a relationship. Not what they want or what they think they need, but what will truly bring a little love into their life.

In the throughout the series we see an emotionally conflicted Ichigo constantly battling with his inner demons (literally). In the beginning we see him emotionally conflicted with his mother death, then with his hollow, then with his vasto lorde form (which I/H love to claim as an I/h moment even though that form caused im anguish/ despair lmao *look below*), then when he lost his powers, and so on. Rukia constantly ,not in all these moments but most, play a pivotal part in Ichigo’s emotional stability. Kubo makes her Ichigo’s rock (ray of light, stopper of rain/angish) he makes her someone Ichigo needs to get back to normal for four Arcs (Sub-shingami, SS, HM, and Fullbringer). He makes her the reason why Ichigo can smile again. He makes her what Ichgo needs. Not once has he made Hime that. Throughout the course of the series he made her a friend, a girl in love with Ichigo, a healer and comical relief ; but not once has she made her someone that resolves the main problems Ichigo has emotionally and mentally. Ichigo was literally depressed for a year and a half up and she couldn’t do anything for him and throughout the F.B Arc Ichigo doesn’t smile once... we get one of his fake smiles that makes Yuzu sad but that's about it

GIVE YOUR LOVE INTEREST AUTONOMY.

This trope, which disproportionately affects female love interests, is a form of objectification that's sure to leave a bad taste in many readers' mouths. To counteract this, treat your love interest as the protagonist of their own story, giving them autonomy in the form of their own goals, desires, and needs.

Hime has displayed this trope after the SS arc Kubo makes her a Kurosaki-Kun machine. Her feelings for Ichigo become the largest part of her character or her role as a healer or as a damsel. When they aren’t fighting hime is imagining him in Shojo like scene which is comical in a Shounen ( he went from Ichigo to Usui lol). We understand that she is working but often times when she is in a panel its because she is going to see Ichigo she doesn’t have her own story in the series. Not even some panels showing her working. Just her alone at home thinking about Ichigo, talking about Ichigo (to or not to Tatsuki), Her walking to Ichigo’s Job, Her going to Ichigo’s house, you get the point...

MAKE YOUR LOVE INTEREST IRREPLACEABLE.

Further your love interest's development as a character by giving them a role in your story that is unrelated to their romance with the protagonist.

Rukia place in Ichigo’s life is unique. When Rukia disappears the first time Ichigo speaks on painfully feeling her absence (ch58). Then when he mentions Uryu he says that he’s absent but at least he would remember Rukia (instead of saying “oh yeah Uryu got hurt pretty bad so it makes sense that he’s absent...”) Then gain he mentions this odd feeling about how the world keep going even with out Rukia all in this chapter. This become reiterated in one of Kubo’s signature poems in Vol. 49(below) Ichigo now directly wonders again how can he keep up with the speed of the world without her in it ( It still makes me laugh when I/H deny this...) Then take into consideration that Rukia is the rain stopper (sadness stopper) in Ichigo’s life (another role only she has) Then the chapter where Ichigo gains his fullbringer powers, right before Rukia get a full page dedicated to her as Ichigo thinks of moment that could trigger his power and it is Rukia. Then when he loses his fullbring Rukia brings back his powers again. Rukia being the one who changed his world in general. Kubo again making all these specific decision, put Rukia’ s importance to Ichigo on the forefront.

ENSURE INFLUENCE IS A TWO-WAY STREET.

Relationships are a push-and-pull, a give-and-take. Protagonists are often challenged or transformed by their relationship with the love interest, but don’t forget to allow the relationship to shape your love interest in return.

Throughout the series Rukia is a positive influence to Ichigo. Not once has she ever caused negative development for him. The Ichigo has given Rukia people in her life that she can call her friends. He brings back joy in her life or as Renji says “ a shine in her face” (below) Because of Ichigo, Rukia gains the courage to finally confront Kaien’s family and she too begins to smile again. Because of Ichigo Rukia gets a second chance she can’t protect Kaien but she can protect Ichigo, he brings back her humanity and they give each other balance.

Kubo built all of this up only to go left in the end...

#IchiRuki #pro ichiruki #anti bleach ending #anti bleach 686 #anti kubo #anti ichihime

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sportsgeekonomics · 5 years

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Competition once again sniffs out a bogus claim of principle

In 2015, after having lost the O’Bannon case, the "Power 5″ conferences (P5) (who like to call themselves the Autonomy 5, like some sort of super hero coalition)[1] agreed among themselves to start allowing their scholarships to include cash payments to cover the off-campus elements of the full Cost of Attendance (COA) that had been prohibited by NCAA rules since 1976, such as living expenses and travel expenses.

Under the new “autonomy” rules the NCAA had passed the previous summer, these five conferences were now allowed to collude among themselves and no longer needed to collude with the rest of the schools in D1, as long as they did not exceed COA. Thus, when they made this move in January 2015 (effective August 2015), they essentially moved to the absolute highest level the NCAA allowed them. Those same rules said that any other conference that wanted to do so, could match the P5.

There were a lot of people who knew deep in their bones that few, if any other schools could afford to match the P5 on this. The Colonial Athletic Conference, an eastern conference with schools like Delaware, William & Mary and Elon, was one of just two conferences that voted against allowing the P5 the independence to make this change (the Ivy League was the other). The representative of the Colonial Athletic Association, University of Delaware President Patrick Harker explained:

“Division I is very diverse — schools with very large budgets that are very well resourced and those like us that subsidize athletics,” he said. “Often the media think of all college athletics as making millions of dollars. That’s not true. The majority of us don’t.”

Colonial conference leaders and others say that in addition to widening the wealth gap in college sports, already deeply entrenched, the new structure does not address important issues that could have just as well been dealt with under the old structure.

Presumably smart people accepted the idea that this was going to permanently severe the Haves from the Haves-Nots, the schools that could afford to pay COA from schools, like Delaware, that clearly could not. As the Dothraki attendants of Daenerys Targaryen were fond of saying, “It is known” that only the P5, or maybe a fringe of other schools, had the money to match this.[2]

Quickly, it became clear that the extent of the ability to pay COA to athletes was far greater than the 65 schools in the P5. In early 2016, an expert report by Daniel Rascher[3] estimated how many schools had adopted (or announced plans to adopt) COA, and already it reached deep into the non-P5 ranks, with all but 5 FBS schools announcing the adoption of Full or Partial COA, and over 200 D1 basketball schools (out of a total 340 non Ivy League, non-military schools in D1) doing the same.

By mid-2017, the schools themselves had to declare whether they had adopted some form of COA or not. Over 260 schools admitted in legal proceedings that, yes, they had in fact adopted COA for some or all of their football or men’s/women’s basketball athletes.

Now, to be clear, this left about 80 or so hold out schools that had not done some. Among these were HBCUs, which struggle with funding for all elements of their campuses, sports included. But there were also some well-funded schools that made a big deal out of the fact that they were not going to adopt COA, because COA was, essentially, immoral. That it was wrong to provide a true “full ride” to athletes when so many other deserving students were getting less. Chief among these were nine schools that wrote an open letter in September 2015, declaring their principled opposition to the very idea of increasing athletic scholarships to cover the full attendance, who I like to call the Nine “No, No, Never!” schools.

The four most prominent of these schools were Elon University, James Madison University, the University of Delaware, and William and Mary University. They explained that:

“While we are happy for that very small number of students who are able to pursue professional sports careers (which typically last only a few years), we must maintain our focus on the education that we provide that will prepare them for life after college and life after sport. Given that focus, we believe that we must continue to treat these students as we do our other students.”

And thus, while other schools “have recently opted to offer ‘cost of attendance’ payments that provide additional economic benefits for miscellaneous expenses to some or all student-athletes (particularly in high-profile sports that receive significant media attention),” these nine schools “have chosen not to offer additional “cost of attendance” payments to student-athletes at this time.”

As they explained, their opposition was based on principle, because as they saw it, paying Full COA was, “a more professional model towards individual compensation” and, as they put it:

“Spending even more money on payments for certain high-profile sports could lead to pressures to eliminate other varsity sports on campus, which would limit the athletic experiences available to many of our students or cause an increase in tuition and fees for all students. It is our responsibility to ensure that the disproportionate media and financial attention on certain high-profile sports does not undermine opportunities for large numbers of students or get in the way of larger institutional interests. Accordingly, we are committed to administering our institution’s athletic programs in ways that are consistent with our mission, culture and values.”

You can read the full thing, but be sure to wear a hazmat suit or whatever, because the sanctimony might drip all over your shirt while you read it. Keep in mind that these schools essentially laid down a marker – paying COA is inconsistent “with our mission, culture and values.”

Of course, as a matter of competition theory, this is how markets should work. If 260 schools want to pay their athletes COA, and 80 don’t, and among that 80 the reasons vary from lack of funding to a desire not to compete on price, that’s great. It’s a little troubling that 9 schools seems to have agreed among themselves, but the Presidents of those universities were clear each had reached the decision independently, so if we take them at their word, then 9 schools choosing not to compete using COA as a recruiting tool is really the same as Chick-fil-A choosing not to open on Sundays, out of principle.

But competition theory also says, in the words of the philosophy Bobbi Fleckman, that money talks and bullshit walks. Even before the second season of COA was underway, James Madison (JMU) had changed its tune. Facing an angry fan reaction (along the lines of: how dare you not compete for talent as hard as other schools), principled opposition turned into acquiescence to the market. Eight months after the letter, JMU announced that it would offer Full COA to men’s and women’s basketball (but not football) athletes beginning in the 2017-18 year.

When asked about the change under oath, JMU President Jonathan Alger explained:

So basically -- we didn’t want to lose good athletes, and we didn’t want to lose good coaches if they were afraid of losing good athletes, and they didn’t want to lose basketball games. So we know what JMU’s real principle always was. And perhaps for this reason, it was not stated in the announcement, whether it was now consistent with JMU’s mission to adopt “a more professional model towards individual compensation” for basketball, but remained inconsistent for football, or whether it was just the fact that JMU is more competitive in basketball than it is football, with its football still in FCS, the lower half of D1 football.

Other schools on the list of the “No, No, Never! Nine” slowly changed their minds as well. According to public information from the “Alston v. NCAA” case, New Hampshire began offering COA on a case-by-case basis in 2016-17, and Delaware began offering Full COA to MBB and WBB athletes beginning in the 2017-18 year.

But still William and Mary (W&M) and Elon stood out. Neither was on the list of the ~260 schools that acknowledged they had adopted some form of COA in the settlement of the damages portion of the “Alston v. NCAA” case, which included all schools that “provide, have provided, or have indicated by or before June 1, 2017 an intent to start providing any portion of the gap between the amount of GIA allowed prior to August 1, 2015 and full COA to at least one” football or basketball athlete.

So, principle over profit, right? Well, as the philosopher Lee Corso has said, not so fast my friend.

New methods of competition, like any innovation, takes time to diffuse throughout a marketplace. Not every company adopted on-line shopping on Day 1 of the internet. Not every household bought one of those new-fangled color TVs on the first day they hit the market.[4] And not every school that was on the list of 260 COA schools had adopted it on August 1, 2015, when they were first allowed to. It took some time, but the number of adopters grew and grew. And not surprisingly, the cut-off for the settlement of June 1, 2017 was also not the end of the process of adoption.

Steely Dan saw it coming all along, when they sang “Woah no, William and Mary won’t do.” Very under the radar, even for someone like me who keeps tracks of hypocrisy with respect to “amateurism,” in August 2016, it was announced that William and Mary would do COA for men’s and women’s basketball:

“A William & Mary representative on Friday said that the Tribe this school year will start providing cost of attendance to men’s and women’s basketball scholarship recipients. The COA stipend will range from $2,800 to $3,000, depending on various factors, among them being whether the student does or does not reside in Virginia.”

At the same time, JMU expanded its COA offers beyond basketball, announcing

“James Madison will begin providing cost of attendance for football players and all scholarship athletes starting in the fall of 2019, the Harrisonburg Daily News-Record reported this week. JMU already was offering cost of attendance in men’s and women’s basketball, at about $4,000 per player.”

But Elon stood firm. Mere economic pressure cannot sway a school if it’s committed to the principle of amateurism, and is standing firm against “a more professional model towards individual compensation” and intent on “administering our institution’s athletic programs in ways that are consistent with our mission, culture and values,” right?

Wrong.

As anyone who believes in the power of markets as a lie detector might have predicted, competition got the better of Elon’s claims of principled opposition. Last month, Elon announced that it too had begun paying its athletes full COA:

“In what registers as the calling of a considerable audible, Elon is changing course on the cost of attendance stipends that are permitted by the NCAA and will pay those allowances to its athletes, beginning with men’s and women’s basketball players…. Men’s and women’s basketball players will start receiving cost of attendance during the approaching 2019-20 school year, as Elon embarks on a phasing-in process across its 17 sports teams. By 2022-23, athletics director Dave Blank said the Phoenix plans to have the stipends implemented for all of its scholarship athletes.”

Elon’s reasoning? Doing well in basketball (and other sports over time) is apparently more important to them than “administering our institution’s athletic programs in ways that are consistent with our mission, culture and values.” Or maybe a better way to say it is that the “mission, culture and values” of Elon is more about avoiding “competitive disadvantage in recruiting in our region and our conference” than it is about refusing to pay the going rate for top talent.

In other words, money talks and bullshit walks.

If you are one of those old fuddy-duddies who reads this and thinks, o, alas! How filthy lucre corrupts even the best of us, you aren’t paying attention, remember that no one made JMU, W&M, or Elon pay college athletes anything. They aren’t required to give a single scholarship in men’s basketball if they don’t think athletes should be paid. (and yes, a scholarship is pay.)

They were not required to add a monthly COA pay check when it was adopted, and they said they would not. But in markets, choices have consequences. The consequence these schools suddenly faced was that the quality of their basketball (and other sports) programs faced the risk of declining. Coaches maybe started losing recruits to other schools. Now remember, these are schools that explicitly claimed they do not make money with sports – go back to their letter from 2015 and you can see they included themselves among the schools that “invest millions of dollars annually beyond the monies generated by athletics in order to support their student-athletes and the benefits and values intercollegiate sports bring to the institution.” So by their own logic, spending more on sports was just a waste, right? Not making any money at the old price, why spend more? And it’s not like Elon is so dominant in men’s basketball that its identity was at risk or anything.

No, despite the claims that “everybody’s broke,” when the schools faced the prospect of having slightly lower-quality sports on campus, they eventually realized that their principled opposition wasn’t really all that important after all. After all, explained Elon, they were the last hold out in the Colonial Athletic Association [a conference which voted AGAINST allowing the P5 the ability to allow COA without a full NCAA vote], saying “The other nine schools were going to be doing it, so we felt it was important to keep up.”

Chick-fil-A doesn’t feel the need to keep up with other fast food places on Sundays, because, whether you agree with them or not, they hold a deep principled belief that Sunday is a day of rest. That’s what principle over profit looks like. “We felt it was important to keep up” is an admission that your claims of principle were bogus rationalizations. If your principles are so weakly held that at the first contact with economic reality, you abandon them, they probably weren’t worth a damn to begin with.

And that sums up the Principle of Amateurism pretty well. Not worth a damn to begin with. Thank you, James Madison, William & Mary, and Elon, for showing the world your true principles and making it clear that Amateurism is a Con.

[1] As you probably know, these five conferences are the ACC, Big Ten, Big Twelve, Pac-12, and SEC.

[2] Another thing that was “known” was that in order to afford COA for superstars, schools were going to have to cut the scholarships of benchwarmers… this little post doesn’t cover that, but rest assured, that too was false.

[3] Full disclosure, Dan is my friend and business partner, and I helped him with the research to build this table back in 2015 and 2016 when he wrote the report.

[4] In economics this process is known as the diffusion of innovation. You can read more about it at Rogers, Everett M., “Diffusion of Innovations,” Fourth Edition, The Free Press, New York, 1995 (http://bit.ly/1xzRwkp).

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musicmushi · 5 years

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Vent incoming feel free to read if you want but pass by it if you dont thats cool too

This is to feel like free-writing I suppose. I have been going through a lot in my head and it feels good sometimes to just get my fingers flowing and to type stuff out. I have been having mental breakdowns off and on for at least a week but most likely more. I have fought the urge to cut myself, resisted the temptation to get rid of some certain people.

I know that the mindset I have is unhealthy but that doesn't stop me from having it. Actually, I think to try to repress it just makes the mindset worse. I’m trying my best to not ignore myself but that sort of leaves the question “who am I?” or maybe “What?”. I feel like I’m supposed to just know what I’m all about just by trying things and doing what my gut feels is right. Seems simple, right? Just focus on what feels right for you and whatever that is speaks to who you are.

Well, the short of it is it's not. Plain and simple trying to decipher your persona so to speak from just what feels right and good is a perfect slope into confusion territory because humans, by default, are multifaceted beings with complex thoughts and contradictory interests. No one fits into one singular pretty little mold. There’s gonna be cracks and holes and dents that warp the overall product making each person imperfect and out of the ordinary. The ‘molds’ are stereotypes and stereotypes by and large are not true for everyone everywhere! There’s just way too many humans to make that a possibility. I have been trying to fit into mold, after mold, after mold my entire life and I can’t fit in anywhere. As ridiculous as this may sound to those who ‘get it’ it frustrates me that I have failed at being a perfect little human even though I know very well that perfection does not exist. The idea of perfection itself is flawed and thus becomes paradoxical.

Sometimes I wish I could reboot myself into something that's more cohesive and understandable because the need to explain myself time after time after time again gets annoying and tiresome yet there it is. I feel as though I need to explain myself in such detail that my ideas and motives should not be questioned. I need to have an irrefutable reason for anything and everything I do; “it makes me happy” never cut it and it never will even when I’m with the company where that answer would suffice. Nothing can just “make me happy” I’m left trying to explain WHY it makes me happy because I want people to understand that though I can be theatrical in my emotions and reactions; I am not a joke to be told and passed around amongst friends. I think about what I do and why I do it so often that it has given me premature stress among other things.

I know what some may think at that. And yes, being stuck trying to explain why I enjoy things and what happiness even is, leaves me depressed as fuck. I’ve seen that video! Everyone has seen that video by Scotch and yeah I related to it and all the amazing points he made. But I can’t just stop giving a fuck because I can’t think of an irrefutable reason to do so. Everything needs a reason. Because once I do something that lacks reason I’m being dubbed ‘silly’ or ‘ridiculous’ ‘a crazed fangirl’ ‘obsessed’…I’m made into a joke. People think that I’m just someone not to be taken seriously and that makes me mad but I can't blame anyone but myself because I have a natural tendency to act silly and be funny and there’s nothing wrong with that but when there’s a time to be serious suddenly people are caught off guard when I step up and be serious.

It’s almost as ridiculous as the people being blown away at the singing talent of Susan Boyle because she didn’t look like a diva or whatever. You can’t look at someone’s physical attributes and mannerisms and suddenly know what they have hiding under the hood. I act obsessed with the person that I love because I’m excited to be with them, I have never once taken that relationship for granted and I think about our future together because the happiness that comes with being tied together cosmically with this person is nice to think about. My feelings for them is not a joke or a phase or a simple crush…I’m not some crazed obsessed yandere waiting with a knife under my arm behind the door. Call me whatever you want but don’t you dare even try to write this off as anything less than real and serious.

I plan for my future because I want to make sure I have back up plans for my back up plans. Lord knows I have had enough go wrong in my life in so many ways that I think its completely reasonable to be cautious and plan around dangers. I’m not being dramatically paranoid. I make jokes a lot of the time and I love to laugh. But I, myself, am not a joke.

I’m aggressive yet non-confrontational, stubborn but I can go with the flow, emotionally unstable but when the time is right I’m sensible and have the right advice to give, I have inherited my mother's saint-like patience with others but I myself get antsy and jumpy very easily. I have every reason to hate the world and to give up on love but the very idea of doing so makes me feel brokenhearted and weep.

I have to keep caring and I have to keep believing in love because without love the world becomes even more unforgiving and a life without that hope isn't worth living. If I lose the passion and investment in these ideas that I have then I lose my irrefutable reason to live. My belief in love gives me a rock solid reason to not kill myself and that is not to be joked about or tossed in the trash. Love is not trash. If I stop giving a fuck, I’m afraid that will result in something truly drastic. If that’s deserving of not being taken seriously then I have already lined myself up for the Fool’s Pillory. If that truly is the case then so be it. But one cannot fault me for wanting to be taken seriously as a thinking adult.

I am in the process of accepting myself as trans and the process is making me impatient as I feel no one is taking that seriously. I either get suspicious looks from friends and colleagues thinking that I’m throwing my identity away for the sake of another or I get a barrage of pastel attitudes and flower crown treatment which feels very condescending and hand-holding which in turn pisses me off. I get people telling me that “if you wanna be a man you don't wear makeup” or “I’m not going to help you look more masculine because you’re only doing this for that girl you never shut up about” Everywhere I turn there’s a road bump or wall blocking my path and its making me hate myself and the world for making this process so god damned confusing. Here I am approaching 25 with years of stacked up gender issues and now that I’m trying to deal with them head on I got people trying to white knight me and tell me how I should present myself so that I can be a proper trans. Like there’s some sorta gender identity manual out there and I’m just…doing it wrong and I need some well-meaning person to come up and hold my hand and guide me to the other side like I’m not cognizant enough to figure it out for myself. I’m not a pathetic ridiculous laugh worthy little retarded delicate daisy.

I have years of abuse and reality slapping me in the face harder than anyone else in my personal circle and yet these personal friends of mine that I have grown with are the worst in roadblocking me like not even my dearest friends can take me seriously because when I do act serious about it they get thrown off their groove and they don’t know how to talk to me about it so they don't. I got one friend that knew I had fallen in love with my special someone and not two minutes later joked that he had a chance to sweep her off her feet. No one takes me seriously no matter what I’ve been trying and that seriously pisses me off.

I’m pissed, confused, stressed, fighting the urge to cut myself, and it seems that I’m the only one sometimes that knows I’m not joking when I say these things. I think through my actions and I do my research. Everything I do has a reason. But no one wants to believe that because I’m supposed to be the pitiable stupid one that’s mocked and laughed at and just lies in waiting for my mythical white knight to come in, sword swaying, and whisk me away so that I can live happily ever after or whatever. When I need help; I ask. Plain and simple if I think I can’t handle something I reach out. I’ll fully admit I’m bad at it but I’m not so bad as to miss the opportunity entirely like I’m slow. I’m not slow and I’m not worth your pity…If you pity me then you can escort yourself out before your shining armor blinds others to the reality of autonomy. You know who you are.

#trans issues #vent post #its long #started as a free flowing writing #then it just turned into an open letter of sorts #frustrations be a pain #herp derp dont mind me #I'm just...mad #like I feel better after putting it into words but #these issues are real #I'm not joking or kidding or being overblown #I am not a joke #just because I can tell them doesn't make them my identity

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hahanoiwont · 6 years

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Virgil, lying, and “change”

I was looking through pre-AA vids for a longer reference post I’m making, and I noticed that during Making Some Changes, Virgil has some interesting things to say about change as it relates to him. First of all, Virgil verbally expresses at least 14 times that he doesn’t want to be changed (meta under readmore):

Various grimaces/scoffing/cringes: 5

“No. I am not playing this game.”

“I’m comfortable just the way I am. And besides--Thomas, this isn’t gonna do anyth-” (cut off by being transformed into Talyn)

“Change me back, now!”

“Noooo [hisses]”

(speaking loudly, enunciating) “I am not okay with this.”

T: “This is all incredibly amusing, but...” V (leaning forward): “Yes, but?”

“Stop doing this.”

T: “I don’t think you switching around is helping.” V: “Of course it’s not, Thomas.”

“There’s no use, Thomas.”

“I don’t have to look like anyone to make sense.”

“I’m getting real sick of this.”

“And then there’s change you can control, but shouldn’t. Like changing me.” (immediately changed into Talyn)

“Great. Well, can you use a little bit of that control to change me back now?”

“No! You take turns changing me into different friends today and expect me to open up to all of you? Fat chance! Except you, Patton. You didn’t do that, you’re cool.” (Patton turns him into Talyn) “NOT AGAIN!”

Now, some of these lines have a lot of interesting implications. Virgil states outright that he doesn’t want to change, that he doesn’t want to appear different. This could be because looking like the others gives him a sense of belonging, it could be that being changed against his will is upsetting for bodily autonomy reasons, or, in a subtle theme that’s existed throughout the series, it could be because he perceives himself to be telling the truth, always.

Until the lying video, I hadn’t made particular note of it, but Virgil sees himself as honest almost all of the time. In the Negative Thinking vid, his immediate assumption when Logan disagrees with him is that Logan is against him personally/is just carrying on the pattern of disagreeing with whatever he has to say without listening and realizing he’s right. It never even occurs to Virgil that he might not be right, and once it does, he quickly loses steam and takes steps to leave the situation, presumably to brood over it until he can decide what’s the truth. Once his point of view might not be The Only Truth, he steps back to reassess. Most importantly, he stops making general statements of what he assumes to be fact (they hate you) and starts using concrete details he knows to be objectively true (you forgot the song) and dramatic phrasing that can be interpreted as true or false according to where you set your goals (you fucked up). He begins using qualifying statements and talking around himself to leave open the possibility that he’s wrong (ie not lying even if he turns out to be wrong on a point) without abandoning his position itself. Aggressive behavior and body language pretty much pick up the slack to keep him firmly hostile, but the things he’s saying aren’t in and of themselves untrue either way.

The only thing Virgil does all series, as far as I can tell, that deliberately misrepresents the truth is how he interacts as a threatening presence. By his own admission, this is to keep the others on their toes, and after his acceptance he only takes on that persona when he needs to “kick in.” So either he understands that persona to be part of his job or he uses it to draw attention to his concerns because it’s effective. Either way, it may or may not be part of his true personality, which is the closest he gets to deliberately “lying” in the 24 vids we have so far.

Which brings us back to presentation. Virgil is vehemently against being turned into other people, even though it’s acknowledged several times that appearing as Thomas’s friends doesn’t change who they are or what they represent. Still, Virgil insists on staying the same. One would assume Virgil would be happy to be something other that what he is for a while, given his questionable self-worth, but something about it is uncomfortable to him. I propose that it’s because his presentation* to the others is being changed: once he no longer looks how he naturally does, he’s lying. He’s deeply aware of his image (see his dedication to the scary dude theme even though it turns out he’s a soft boi at heart), and once it’s been changed, one of the appearances must be false. He tells Thomas several times that the practice of the sides appearing to be his friends is fake or not good enough; it’s not true that they’re his friends and Virgil is allergic to faking it.

Virgil also implies that his nature shouldn’t be changed. Interesting for two reasons: he doesn’t want other people to force him into being something other than Anxiety, even though being Anxiety can be difficult; and does that mean Thomas could at least try to change Virgil’s nature? That sounds painful as all hell, if so. Otherwise, would it just be like when a person tries to change another person, and it would suck? Food for thought.

Anyway, lying. Virgil certainly seems to hate it. Why Virgil behaves this way is hard to say without more information. Deceit seemed to honestly expect a warm welcome from him, and he notably didn’t tell anyone else Deceit was playing Patton, even though he figured it out as early as 4 minutes into the video; it’s hard to say whether a history between them would support Virgil’s insistence on constant truth or not. It could also be completely separate from Deceit. Maybe he just has no reason to lie. Maybe he’s afraid of being wrong and looking stupid. There are a lot of available explanations that we can’t really choose from yet. But what we do know is: Virgil understands himself to be telling the truth apparently all the time, even if he later realizes he was wrong about something; and he doesn’t want his self-presentation changed.

*If you like the dark sides/Virgil looking more monstrous naturally and adopting a more human facsimile most of the time, that is also a great explanation for why Virgil doesn’t want to be changed. What if someone changes him back to his default state? What if his illusion being messed with screws something up? Even his insistence on not lying makes sense if he already has one big lie to stress about! I think that would be fun to explore :D

My other meta:

The sides’ unique powers

Sleeping headcanons

My fanfiction:

concept: superhero au

concept: Virgil is terrible/probably the best at helping people

Space (All I Think About is You and Me)

#virgil sanders #deceit sanders #sanders sides #sanders sides meta #someone come by my inbox and talk to me man i have Theories

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ezatluba · 3 years

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Your veterinarian may be suffering from moral injury and you may have caused it. Here's what people are doing to help

Jennifer Graham

Within the span of a week, Dr. Kirsten Doub suffered both a black eye and bloody lip on the job. But it’s not the physical demands of her work, but the emotional ones, that make veterinary medicine so difficult, she says.

Doub, owner of Union Park Veterinary Hospital in Cottonwood Heights, Utah, concurs with a recent study that found veterinarians have high rates of moral distress, the psychological pain that occurs when a person feels compelled to act in a way that is contrary to his or her moral code.

"We are expected to be flawless and to drift off to sleep every night with a free conscience," Doub wrote recently on her Facebook page. And yet, "We are part of a profession plagued with the highest rates of suicide, depression and substance abuse."

The study, published Aug. 6 in the Journal of Internal Veterinary Medicine, was the latest to show that a condition once mainly associated with war veterans is being noticed — and treated — in other professions.

Earlier this year, Dr. Simon Talbot and Dr. Wendy Dean, writing in the health and medicine publication STAT, said physicians are suffering from widespread moral injury because of their inability to offer quality patient care under the bureaucratic constraints of the health care system.

And moral distress and injury among nurses has been a concern for more than a quarter of a century.

In response to the growing awareness of the problem, a Texas seminary established a Soul Repair Center dedicated to research and education about moral injury. At its annual conference Nov. 15 in Denver, participants will participate in workshops to include the effects of moral injury on families, and discuss moral injury in sacred texts.

Moral injury can occur to anybody who has a developed conscience, experts in the field say. But people of faith are uniquely positioned to help sufferers because they are well acquainted with one component of healing: forgiveness.

Another thing that helps sufferers of moral injury or distress is something that anyone who listens well can do.

The cost of 'convenience euthanasia'

In a veterinary practice, moral distress might occur when a client asks the veterinarian to euthanize a pet when the animal’s condition could be treated. “This happens almost daily or at least weekly for most veterinarians. It is one of the main reasons I opened my own hospital,” said Doub, who said she will not perform “convenience euthanasia.”

But moral distress can also result from the reverse situation, according to the study authors. Nearly 8 in 10 veterinarians also report incidents when they believe euthanasia is the best thing for the pet, but the owners refuse and subject the animal to lengthy, expensive and ultimately futile treatment. In many cases, veterinarians may report feeling sad or upset without realizing what is happening on a deeper level: “a conflict between their actions and their personal morals,” authors Lisa Moses, Monica Malowney and Jon Wesley Boyd wrote.

The authors believe that the widespread incidence of moral distress and injury among veterinarians contributes to mental health problems and a suicide rate that is twice the average of the general population. Doub, whose practice now includes former clients of a Utah veterinarian and friend who took his own life in 2012, agrees.

Doub knew another veterinarian and a veterinarian technician who committed suicide. She believes ethical conflicts between pet owners and veterinarians are increasing, in part, because people are living beyond their means and don’t have money saved for emergencies. When an emergency occurs and diagnostic tests and treatment is expensive, they either ask the veterinarian to euthanize the pet, or ask for a payment plan, which they sometimes don’t honor.

Doub’s friend who died by suicide, “had a whole hospital full of cats who were dumped at his practice that he cared for himself. He offered payments and then people wouldn’t pay him back. He hadn't had a vacation in five years."

In health care for humans, moral distress and injury occurs when outside constraints prevent physicians and nurses from providing care that they know a patient needs, according to a study published in 2017 in the journal Psychological Trauma. These constraints could include being compelled to care for more patients than time allows, having to follow a parent's instructions when the physician doesn't believe it's in the best interest of a child, or continue care that does not improve a patient's condition but instead prolongs dying.

The concept of moral injury was originally developed by a Massachusetts psychiatrist, Dr. Jonathan Shay, to describe the trauma suffered by veterans who witnessed or participated in atrocities during war. Shay says moral injury occurs when there is a betrayal of what one believes to be right, either by the person himself or by a person in “legitimate authority."

"Both forms of moral injury impair the capacity for trust and elevate despair, suicidality and interpersonal violence. They deteriorate character," Shay wrote.

A loss to society

Although veterans of combat witness more trauma than the average suburban veterinarian, Rita Nakashima Brock, author of “Soul Repair: Recovering from Injury After War,” said it does not diminish their condition by extending the diagnosis to other professions. On the contrary, it helps to remove a stigma, said Brock, senior vice president for moral injury programs at Volunteers of America.

“I think the way moral injury has moved into other spaces says that it’s a very strong concept, and that other human beings, just like veterans, can be in circumstances that cause them to lose their meaning system," Brock said. "And losing a meaning system is devastating, because it’s about everything you thought was right and good, everything you invested your sense of self in, starts to collapse."

A person's identity is "profoundly moral" and people usually automatically behave in ways that reflect that inner code, she explained. But then you can have an experience that causes you to fail to do the right thing, even if you want to do the right thing.

For example, Brock once had a conversation with a man who was fleeing the World Trade Center on 9/11 and saw an older man trip and fall, and he didn't stop to help him. When he looked back, two other people had stopped. Later, he began to doubt his capacity to behave morally because of the experience, she said.

“In the aftermath of that, you start thinking, what do I believe, how could I have done that, how can I trust myself to be a good person?” she said.

When moral distress or a moral injury afflicts a person in a profession, it not only hurts the individual, but society. A doctor, for example, may come to believe that she's not a good doctor anymore, after experiencing repeated moral distress, and disillusioned, leave the profession.

"It's not just the loss of their career; it's a major loss to society," Brock said.

'An ancient concept'

Nancy Ramsay, director of the Soul Repair Center at Brite Divinity School in Fort Worth, Texas, said moral injury is “an ancient concept with a new name.”

History shows that even ancient cultures struggled with moral injury. “We know that, in the Hebrew Bible or the Christian Old Testament, when there were battles, men didn’t go right back to their towns. They had a process of ritual cleansing, or a year of penance before they could participate in sacraments again. War changes people’s lives forever,” Ramsay said.

Moral injury is different from post-traumatic stress, however, she said. “They can occur together, but they’re not the same." Post-traumatic stress occurs in the aftermath of an event in which a person thought they were going to die. “It actually changes chemicals of the brain; it has physiological consequences."

Ramsay describes moral injury as the result of either perpetrating, failing to prevent, or witnessing an act that betrays your moral standards. People may also suffer moral distress or injury by being witness to the aftermath of an event.

“Suddenly, you realize there’s a capacity for destructiveness that went beyond the scope of your imagination,” she said.

As for the difference in moral distress and moral injury, Ramsay said, “Think of them on a continuum. Moral distress is uncomfortable, but it’s not the kind of devastating, life-changing trauma of moral injury. Moral injury, some people write about as if the world changes. The scope is more profound. Neither is comfortable, but moral stress is not as serious in its consequence,” she said.

To help educate faith leaders on the scope and treatment of moral injury, Brite's Soul Repair Center offers seminars and conferences for people of all faiths, and other seminaries — to include Iliff School of Theology in Denver, Eden Theological Seminary near St. Louis, Missouri, and Boston University's School of Theology — are addressing moral injury in their program offerings.

Some hospitals are trying to help physicians and other health care providers with a caregiving program called "Code Lavender." But writing in STAT, Talbot and Dean said that's not sufficient.

"What we need is leadership willing to acknowledge the human costs and moral injury of multiple competing allegiances. .. Physicians must be treated with respect, autonomy, and the authority to make rational, safe, evidence-based and financially responsible decisions," they wrote.

As for veterinarians, the authors of the new study called for more instruction on ethical conflict and self-care in veterinary school.

"Regardless of the explanation, training in recognizing, naming and navigating ethical conflict as part of veterinary professional education could start to address the problem," the report said.

Steps to healing

Repairing a moral injury is as important as healing a physical injury, said Brock of Volunteers of America, because “Human beings can’t live without a meaning system.”

One of the most important parts of recovery is being able to talk about what happened with a benevolent person who cares about you, Brock said. “Once you begin to do that, you can start to process the story, to think about it from different angles.”

Eventually, she said, “You have to build a new moral system that is adequate to that experience. You're not well if you put it away and try not to think about it and just keep going."

Ramsay agrees that being able to talk frankly to someone who will listen without condemnation is critical to those wrestling with moral struggles. And doing so leads to another step — repentance and self-forgiveness.

Being able to safely say out loud what has happened, and explore the context of the action, helps people to look honestly at whether they could have done anything differently. It helps them distinguish between fault that they own and/or fault that belongs to another, or even to realize that the action that troubles them was simply the inevitable outcome of an incredibly complex and difficult situation.

“That may not take away being haunted by what they saw and what they did, but hopefully it helps the process of remembering and mourning this life-changing experience,” she said, adding that people who have religious faith may benefit from being able to confess their actions to a spiritual leader.

And whether or not people are religious, doing volunteer work or other good deeds may be both reparation and a source of healing. In addition, some people may find relief through a physical practice, such as meditation or yoga.

People who are suffering from a moral injury, either from their professional work or something they did in their personal life, might be able to take comfort in knowing that they’re not fundamentally broken, that their suffering is indicative that their conscience is working perfectly well.

“You can’t have moral injury without a conscience. Your conscience is working perfectly well," Brock said. "But what happened is, your conscience has become ungrounded from any meaning system that makes your conscience feel that it’s active and doing the right thing. That’s why you’re so miserable.

"It’s not a pathology; it’s a normal, human response to abnormal conditions. But it is a profound kind of suffering,” she said.

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