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Better to Die Numb, Then Feel it All

WC: 1.9K | TW: alcoholism

I have no idea where this idea came from, but 5 hours later, here's this piece.

I actually do not know much about alcoholism. Diane is based off of my own therapist and how she has helped me through difficult times.

This also not beta read, its 1 am, I need sleep. Hope you like this

Title from "Growing Sideways" by Noah Kahan

No one seemed to realize how Steve had changed.

His hair is grown out and hasn’t been styled for months. The bags under his eyes keep getting bigger after every sleepless night. He’s lost a couple pounds and sticks to wearing baggy sweaters and sweatpants. And he drinks. A lot. Even at his peak of high school popularity, he never drank as much as he does now.

Everyone tries to bring it up, but he shrugs them off and redirects the conversation. And every time, the person takes the bait and plays with it. He’s out of the spotlight until it gets brought up again, but he can do the same thing. Over and over again. Works every time.

He knows what he’s doing is unhealthy. But he can’t stop. It’s impossible.

It all hit rock bottom when he screamed at Eddie. His Eddie. His perfect, beautiful boyfriend, Eddie, merely suggested Steve get help. Steve yelled, trying to convince Eddie (and maybe himself) that he was fine. That he doesn’t need Eddie’s help and he should just leave if he doesn’t want to "see Steve drink himself to death".

So Eddie left and didn’t come back. The days turn into weeks with no response from Eddie.

After a month, he finally reached out for help.

He ended up running to the Hopper-Byers house, sobbing. When the door opened for Joyce, he fell into her arms and begged her to help him. Hopper talked to Owens and got the help Steve needed.

"And now, I’m here." Steve shrugs, picking at his sweater, slowly lifting his head to see his therapist, Diane.

Diane was a sweet lady. She was in her late 40s with shoulder-length, sandy brown hair and a pair of square, black-rimmed glasses.

She smiles sweetly and says, "I’m glad you are here, Steve."

Steve shifts uncomfortably, bringing his knees to his chest. Well, I wish I could say the same." He mutters before realizing she heard that. "Sorry, I-I shou-"

"No, no. Don’t say sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for."

"Were you not listening to what I said for the past 15 minutes?"

She softly laughs, saying, Yes, Steve, I heard you. Those things were not great. But considering what you went through in the Upside Down, I can see why that happened."

Steve looks at Diane in shock and says, "Y-you know? About the, uh…"

"Upside Down?" He nods, and she smiles, saying, "Yes, I know. I was one of the many scientists working under Dr. Owens. My focus was more on the psychological effects of the Upside Down. I also happen to be a certified therapist. So, when Dr. Owens asked for my help with an Upside Down survivor, I gladly took it."

"An ‘Upside Down survivor’? Is that what we’re called?"

"Unfortunately, yes. We don’t exactly have the correct term to refer to you all as."

Steve slowly nods, putting his feet back on the ground. "We just call ourselves the ‘Party’ as a whole. But then, if we’re split up, each group has their own name." Steve smiles slightly and says, "Like in 1985, my little group was called ‘Scoops Troop’. Because me and my best friend Robin worked at Scoops Ahoy before—well, y’know."

"I do know." She quickly writes in a notebook before turning back to Steve and asking, "So, the Party? Tell me about them."

And that’s how these appointments worked. Every Tuesday, he pulls up to Diane’s office and talks to her. About the upside-down and all the head trauma. His fears and his hopes He even talked about his childhood and how his parents were always gone.

Although not all of the appointments were that easy,

He made a deal with Diane. If he could go a week without drinking, she’d tell him one thing about her. (It was weird how he was pouring out his heart and soul, but he didn’t know a thing about her.)

"Steve…"

"I saw him yesterday when I went to pick up Max for a sleepover." He sniffled. "Max was talking with him, and he looked so happy. And I thought about how I could never make him happy." He sighs, wiping his eyes. "I tried to wave. He turned his back and walked back inside. I dropped Max off, and then I remember being in a bar. Ordering a drink, which turned into two and..."

He can’t stop the tears this time. "I’m sorry. I-I failed. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." He hides his face behind his hands as he sobs.

He hates that he failed. He’s so used to being the screwup, and this one time, he knew he could make it. He only had one more day. He could’ve made it. Even with all the close calls early in the week, he managed to push them down.

He wanted to prove that he could do it.

He needed to prove that he could do it.

"It’s okay, Steve. It’s okay." Diane softly soothes.

"I failed though. I drank."

"That’s okay-"

"It’s NOT okay! How could you say that?" He yells.

"I did not expect you to win this challenge."

"So, you’ve already given up on me? Fucking great! My own goddamn therapist doesn’t even believe in me." He stands up, pacing the room and biting his tongue. He didn’t want to say anything he’d regret.

"I did not expect it because it’s not that easy. You expected to give up drinking and suddenly be cured? That’s not the problem."

Steve stops, slowly turning around to look at his therapist. "Isn’t that the problem? The drinking? Isn’t that why I’m here?"

"The drinking is how you deal with the problem. And you’re here because you want to be better, right?" He slowly nods, sitting back down on the couch. "Then let's figure out the problem."

---

Steve kept up his appointments. Never missed one.

Everyone could see how he was becoming Steve again. He made amends with the kids and with Robin. He never realized how he pushed her away along with everyone else.

When he showed up on her doorstep, paper in hand, to make amends, he was bombarded with a hug and the gentle sobs of his best friend. His other half His Platonic soulmate with a capital P Steve explains what he’s been going through and how he's getting help.

"I’m 4 months sober, so that's good."

"That’s so good, Steve. I’m so happy for you." She hugs him and doesn’t let go for quite literally hours. They caught up. There were two months without his soulmate; he needed all the details. e

Robin plans a movie night at his house (typical). She invites the kids, the teens, even Hopper and Joyce, who politely decline but still drop off El and Will.

Everyone was there, except Eddie. He wasn’t surprised. If he were Eddie, he wouldn’t want to see him either.

But, of course, Eddie needed to make an entrance. The front door slams open (the door handle definitely leaves a mark on the wall) as Eddie steps in. He’s as beautiful as always. His worn-out Metallic shirt with some black jeans His hair was tied back, showing off his jaw and neck.

Steve nearly forgot how to breathe. How did Eddie still take his breath away?

Everyone greets Eddie with smirks, hoisting up sodas for the kids and beers for the adults.

Steve felt his stomach drop to his feet. He hasn’t kept alcohol in his house for three months now. There was a bottle stashed in the back of his closets "in case of emergency". He threw it out after calling Diane one night during a particularly horrible day.

Robin must sense his discomfort. She grabs his hand, squeezing once before asking Eddie for a soda. Jonathan, Argyle, and Nancy Eddie handed out the sodas to the kids with loud pleading from Mike for just one beer, which Nancy was not having.

He hears the familiar sound of a can opening and watches as Nancy takes a sip from her can. He didn’t think this through. He forgot that even though he stopped drinking, that didn’t mean everyone else did as well.

"You want one?" Steve snaps out of his thoughts, turning his head to Eddie holding up a beer can.

Steve stares at the can wantingly.

He knew this was going to happen. Everyone didn’t really notice how bad Steve’s drinking was. They just knew he drank a little more than usual. He should’ve said no alcohol was allowed. He should’ve just told everyone how bad his drinking was, and now he’s sober.

Eddie must take his silence as a yes, because he’s holding out a beer to Steve.

This is it. He’s going to break his sobriety because the literal love of his life is handing him a beer.

Shit.

He’s going to have to call Diane and explain how much of a failure he was. He can’t even be properly sober.

But she would calm him down and repeat a million times how he wasn’t a failure. He knew that recovery would be hard, but he still decided to do it. And how he’s made it four months now without drinking. And how that is such a big step alone in his recovery. That he did the right thing by calling her.

"Steve?" Robin’s soft voice breaks him out of his thoughts as she gestures to Eddie.

Steve looks over at a confused Eddie, still holding out the beer.

"Oh, um, I’m good."

Eddie has the decency to look surprised as he retracts his arm. "You’re good?"

Steve stops to think. He’s sober. He’s happy. He’s recovering.

He has Robin by his side. And Diane is just a phone call away if he needs her.

He might not have had Eddie. He might never have Eddie again. But he can live with that. Eddie deserves to be happy, and if that’s not with Steve, that’s okay.

He smiles and nods, saying, "Yeah, I’m good."

Eddie smiles slightly at Steve, puts the beer back, and grabs two sodas. Eddie places the drinks down and hands a soda to Steve before sitting on the other couch. Steve looks ahead as the movie starts, but he can’t help stealing glances at Eddie.

And it gets better when he sees Eddie stealing glances himself.

---

He told the Party that night about his recovery. That he’s 4 months sober. It’s a tough process, but he’s going to see it through.

The kids hugged him, then unanimously agreed to throw out the rest of the beers. The adults agreed to stop drinking even after Steve’s loud protests that "it’s fine if they drink, just maybe not around him?"

It was a little easier to stay sober after that night.

Months pass. Steve’s still sober. A whole year now.

No one left his side, not once. Not even Eddie.

After 7 months sober, Steve took a chance, asked Eddie out, and was pleasantly surprised when Eddie said yes. They’ve been back together ever since. Eddie is his #1 supporter.

Three months later, Eddie told him, "I love you," and he felt the same spark he felt back then.

One year later, Steve and Eddie move in together in a small house near the trailer park.

Two years later, Steve and Eddie get married. Not officially, but who needs some bullshit government papers when they’ve already been to hell and back with each other?

It hasn’t been an easy road. Recovery never is, but he has Eddie. He has Robin. He has the kids. He has Hopper and Joyce. He’ll be okay.

After all, Steve still sees Diane. Every Tuesday.

#steve harrington #tw drinking #steve harrington gets help #steddie #eddie x steve #steve x eddie #eddie munson #established steddie #robin buckley #platonic with a capital p #platonic stobin #stranger things s4 #stranger things #post stranger things s4 #steve harrington doesn't take care of himself #drops this and runs away peaking through a bush

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