#but I ALSO a don’t want to people to think that those mistakes out weigh it’s enjoyability

[thoughtfulbearpanda]

February 2024 Pick a Card

Piles 1 -> 2 -> 3

Hi there! This is a timeless reading, so remember to take what resonates and leave what does not. Remember that you have free will and nothing is set in stone. Yes, this is intended for entertainment purposes but if any serious topics that come up in these readings that you find yourself resonating with, please seek aid or professional help if you are inclined to do so. Also, if anything in this reading is triggering for you don't feel the need to continue reading; please prioritize your mental and emotional health.

Take your time when choosing your pile. Ask yourself the question and choose the picture that you can’t stop looking at. Listen to your intuition.

PILE I

Okana Oracle: Reconcile, Grandma's Baby Lenormand: Whip & Heart, Tarot: 6 of cups rx, 2 of wands, 4 of cups, the Tower rx, 9 of cup rx

What I see you going through in the month of February pile 1 is you walking away from something. With the 6oc rx coupled with the 2ow there may be a decision you will have to make, and this decision could lead to you letting go of past connections, I’m getting ‘leaving the nest' for some of you. Some of you could be moving away, beginning your own chapter of life solo; some of you could be traveling overseas in the month of February, or just simply moving out of house and getting your own place. 

There is also this aspect of fear, not really knowing what you’re getting into, there is the sense of naivety. This could be towards a new job, maybe a change of career path or change in career studies for those who are still in school. This could be a small few of you but some of you may be weighing the decision to drop out of college or school. College/school/work may no longer be as exciting for as when you first started and you may be thinking about just calling it quits, but are delaying this decision because you may not have a backup plan and/or you don’t want to disappoint your loved ones. It’s like ‘I no longer enjoy this.’; ‘What if there is more for me out there?’; ‘What will my loved ones think?’; ‘What if I don’t have a back up plan and this ends being a mistake?’

Life is not full of easy choices. Every day we are proven that life is short. For those who resonate with the school/college message, I am not here to tell you what you should do BUT do what you believe is best for you. College is not for every one, but if dropping out is an option you are considering than have a back up plan ready for when you do. Figure out what you are going to do afterwards. Don’t just dive into this particular decision blindly.

I see you going through transformation pile 1. Some of you may have felt like you lost your spark, your joy, your purpose in life. I see you gaining that back in the month of February. You are going to start making decisions that make YOU happy, that bring YOU joy. February is the month where you consider how to get closer to your ultimate goal in life, and how you can rediscover your sense of purpose.

Shadow Message: Reconcile - “love yourself for only then can you love others” -> What is something that you find yourself struggling to let go of? What is this thing that is depleting you? Is it a job? Is is friends? Family? A partner, past or present? Do you find yourself pouring so much of yourself into this thing and/or person (people) that you barely have enough to pour into yourself? To whomever this resonates, it is time to take a look at your current attachments and come to terms with whether it is healthy or if you are simply a victim of codependency. Is this thing or person feeding off of you? If so, then it is time to cut the cord on that. Do some 'spring cleaning'. For some, it may not even a person or a job. Sometimes it just simply clearing out the old within your space, getting rid of old clothes, trinkets, furniture etc., to make room for the new. Find what is weighing you down emotionally, spiritually, mentally; find what is depleting your happiness and take the necessary steps to rid yourself of it.

Message(s) from the Ancestors: Whip & Heart - 'Sacrifice' & 'Love' -> Whip: "Everyone must pay. Nothing worthwhile or lasting was ever achieved by simply wanting it to be ours...sacrifice and work move things further than desire alone." Love: "There is an infinite supply of love for us to draw on, whether from platonic or romantic relationships, living or dead...but if we often lose ourselves in the need to nurture others, hiding in them to avoid being in ourselves...we must learn to love ourselves so deeply we find joy in solitude instead of heartbreak."

Final Messages:

"What is past is gone, what is hoped for is absent, for you is the hour for which you are."

"Wisdom outweighs strength."

"A snake that you can see does not bite."

"You cannot blindfold a man and expect him to ferry you across the river."

"Whoever stands in the need of honey should not be afraid of bees."

~additional messages: unexpected good fortune, generosity, possible travel, changes, postponement, disappointment and opposition

**PROVERBS 15:13 and DANIEL 10:6 for some of you**

PILE II

Okana Oracle: Grit & Confide, Grandma's Baby Lenormand: Rider rx & Clouds, Tarot; Page of swords, Queen of wands, 9 of cups, 7 of swords rx, & ace of wands Rx

The month of February is going to be very abundant for you pile 2. I see you socializing and being so vibrant and free, being the talk of the town. I'm getting 'social butterfly'. This month is going to be raining down blessings for you with the 9oc here. I see you filled with so much gratitude and happiness. Wishes will be coming true for you in the month of February; whatever you have been wishing for, praying for, hoping for, it will come true. I see you getting that dream job, dream car, dream house. Whatever you've been wishing for, you will be receiving it this month. Some of you could be starting a new project or job, and I see you being so excited about it. You have this eager, 'go getter' energy.

With the QoW here, a feminine figure could be significant for some you. This person could be mature, or just has a lot experience and wisdom under their belt. Who knows how to work a room, use their charm and charisma to achieve their goals. I see this person being some sort of a mentor figure to you this month. Someone that will help you harness this vibrant, off the walls energy that you may have. I see you shadowing this person, soaking up all the knowledge that she has to offer. *Be sure to take head from whatever advice this person gives you*

For some of you, there could be some snakes in your mists. In the month of February you may find yourself being on the receiving end of a lot of 'evil eye'. I see you being highly favored in the month of February, and with that comes with a lot of jealousy and attempts at sabotage. You may end up encountering a lot two-faced people; those who smile in your face but are quick to pray and revel in your downfall. Some of you may be up for promotion or have been promoted - BE CAREFUL. Be wary of those who are quick to befriend and try to get into your circle. It's like that saying 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer' - that is the mentality of these haters toward you. Just know that secrets don't stay buried and will eventually come to light. Karma never misses, so whatever these potential sabotagers have planned will back fire. You are protected by the Divine and your Ancestors.

The month of February, some of you may find yourself consumed with the drive to get something started. There may be an idea/project that you are trying to get off the ground to this point where you are obsessing over it. You are trying and trying and becoming more and more frustrated because it's not going the way you planned. With the ace of wands rx, you are being called to take a break. Step away from the idea/project and allow yourself to breathe. When we are so hyper focused on something, it can become easy for use to become consumed by to the point where we forget why we started said project/idea; and in some instances lose our passion fro what we do. That's why in moments of frustration we need to take a step back, put on pause on things. If this resonates, Spirit is prompting you to take a look out where you are, how far you've come, and remember why you started. Stop and smell the roses. Allow yourself to look at it from a different perspective.

For others, there could be a whole idea that you abandoned completely because it never got off the ground, someone may have told you that idea is not good, or maybe you felt like it could never be. Maybe it's time to revisit that project/idea from a new, fresher lens.

Shadow Message: Grit & Confide - Grit: "when a needle falls into a well many people will look into the well, but very few will go down after it" -> Take a look at yourself this month and ask yourself 'Am I biting off more than I can chew?', 'Am I involving myself in projects or places that do not pertain to me?', 'If I am doing all these things: why?' If you find yourself spiraling or just taking on so much, unnecessarily, maybe it's time to take a step back from it. It's good to have drive to have that grit/conviction but not to the point where it is at your own detriment. It can be easy, being caught up in 'the grind' and all but we also have to remember to take breaks; Confide: "all things are good to eat, but not all things are good to say" -> February is looking to be an abundant month for you, but remember to not get caught up in the high. You may be on the receiving end gossip, but try not to perpetuate the same behaviors as your haters. If find yourself engaging gossip with others ask yourself 'Is it true?', 'Is it kind?', 'Are these people doing the same thing to me behind my back?', 'Will they go back an twist my words to said person?', 'Why are they trying to get me involved gossip to begin with?'. Remember: Karma. Never. Misses.

Message(s) from the Ancestors: Rider rx & Clouds - 'Intention' & 'Denial' -> Rider rx: "Don't be hasty, Baby. Before taking action, we must be clear on our intention. And be certain our actions align with that intention." Clouds: "Clouds can be information that is hidden and outcomes that are uncertain...we must know truth before we know miracles, and what is before we know what can be."

Final Messages:

"Not to know is bad, to not wish to know is worse."

"Fire surrounded by elders cannot burn you."

"Luck at times will visit a fool, but it never sits down with him."

"Truth cannot be hidden forever beneath evil."

"He who wakes up early in the morning receives bundle of blessings."

~additional messages: good luck coming to you, harmony, property, achievement, love, dark-haired woman who is strong, helpful and attractive, warning of loss of friendship

**EXODUS 24:15 for some of you**

PILE III

Okana Oracle: Harmony & Reconcile, Grandma Baby Lenormand: Fish & Mice, Tarot: 10 of swords, 2 of cups, Knight of wands, 5 of pentacles rx, ace of swords rx

Are some of you in a relationship, pile 3? Or is there someone on your mind? Cause with the 2oc here there is a potential for love to blossom for you in the month of February. You could have met this person or will meet this person and you guys hit right off the bat. The knight of wands indicates that you and this person will 'click' so fast, and so unexpectedly. This person could be a fire sign; they could be someone who is vibrant, and has a lot of energy and passion to them. They could be 'go-getter', someone who acts before they thinks, who likes to dive into things head-first. And it doesn't necessarily have to be a romance either. This could be someone who you will end up having a genuine bond and connection with. This person could be a bit of foil to you if you are more on the shy side, or this is someone who will match your energy.

Some of you may have dealt with betrayal in the past, like been backstabbed by a person/people that you've trusted. This has possibly resulted you in having trust issues, you questioning the motives of those who try to get close to you. This connection coming in is going to help you heal those wounds. This connection coming is someone you can trust and they are going to prove that to you. They will be patient with you. Maybe this person coming in has probably dealt with same thing, and this connection will be healing for both of you.

For others of you, you may have fallen on hard times in the past pile 3. Some of you may have dealt with a lot of spiritual warfare. What I mean by that, is that you may have been feeling empty spiritually. Doubting your religion, your ancestors, spirit guides, or even the concept of spirituality itself. *With everything that has been going on in the world, I can understand* Maybe you've hanging on to this concept of religion or spirituality in hopes it will make your life better because that's what you've been told, only to be met with disappointment after disappointment. Maybe recently you've had one too many disappointments and began to question yourself: 'Am I doing something wrong?' 'Why isn't working?' 'Am I just playing myself for a fool?'

I see you starting to come back to that pile 3, because you can't ignore the call forever. I see rekindling your relationship with the Divine, with God, your Ancestors, whomever you believe in. That tarot deck that you've put away? You're dusting off and getting back into the swing of things. That altar that you abandoned, walked away from? I see resetting it and familiarizing yourself with your guides, with your gifts. And honestly, sometimes walking away is needed pile 3. It's okay to take a break for a while, reconnect with yourself, ground yourself, and find your way back to it eventually.

Shadow Message: Harmony & Reconcile - Harmony: "where there is life, there is always hope" -> You could be dealing with bouts of loss or despair in February. Have you lost all hope of being happy? Content? Have you lost hope in ever being able to trust again? Have you become a glass half-empty, glass half-full kind of person? It's time to confront those doubts, pile 3. Time to challenge those negative beliefs you've become accustomed to. Make the effort of bringing harmony and positivity back into your life; Reconcile: "love yourself for only then can you love others" -> It is time to heal pile 3. Heal those wounds. Hanging onto that hurt is giving the person who hurt you more power over you. What is something you have trouble letting go of? Is it the betrayal? The backstabbing? Is it becomes you should have saw it coming? Are you ready to let it go? Are you ready to move on?

Message(s) from the Ancestors: Fish & Mice - 'Gifts' & 'Fear' -> Fish: "If we give birth to what is within us, what is within us will save us. If we do not give birth to what is within us, what is within us will destroy us." Mice: "If we feed fear, we will be eaten alive."

Final Messages:

"You can kill the identity of a man on earth, but you cannot kill his spirit."

"Respect begets respect."

"Even as the archer loves the arrow that flies, so too he loves the bow that remains in his hands."

"The path to wisdom is a lifelong commitment."

"It is the one who lives in the house that knows where the roof leaks."

~additional messages: friendship, success, business meetings, reliable friend, conflict, love, affair, worry and fear

**JONAH 1:17 for some of you**

That's all I have for you! Thanks for reading! Stay safe, stay blessed!

Asé

#tarot reading #tarot cards #tarot #pick a card #black tarot reader

[nicxl333]

SEPARATE WAYS— GETO SUGURU X FEM!READER

summary: why should he stay with you if you don’t see his way of thinking?

content: fluff, angst, teen!geto, teen!gojo

i won’t lie to you, i didn’t proof read this so mistakes are probably imminent

life used to be so good. specifically when geto asked you out during second year at jujutsu high.

“suguru just do it you pussy. too afraid she’ll say no?”

“stop pestering me satoru. i don’t want to hear shit from someone who can’t keep a girlfriend for more than a week.”

“at least i get girls. can you say the same, loner?”

“you know, i’d insult you, but i’d have to explain it to you after, so forget it.”

gojo held his hands up in defeat, knowing arguing would get him nowhere.

“i’m just saying, she won’t stay on the market forever. who knows, maybe i’ll sweep her off her feet one day.”

and he walked off.

it had been months of geto having a never ending crush on you. the more he saw you the worse it got. not to mention the times you’d be partnered up on missions together. the care you held for his wellbeing especially when he was injured made his heart swell, healed his wounds ten times better than your RCT could ever hope to.

he swore to himself day by day that he’d eventually grow a pair and ask you out. maybe to a movie or a picnic. something romantic where he could truly show you the best version of himself. but when the time would come he would freeze, the common fear of rejection weighing over his body, holding his tongue down.

until he saw gojo actually making a move on you by the classroom door one day, his hand positioned above your head while your back was stood against the wall.

fuck no. fat chance in hell he’d let you be taken from him by the likes of gojo. of all people.

4 long strides was all it took for him to be standing adjacent to you. you turned from gojo to look at his agitated face, staring down gojo. if looks could kill, consider gojo in the morgue.

“oh, suguru, did you need me for something? guess you can give me those class notes some other time then y/n.”

fucking gojo, of course he’d pull some stunt like this.

although geto guessed that did give him the push he needed. actually seeing the possibility of you being taken scared him into actually doing something for once.

“not you dimwit, i need to talk to y/n.”

your eyes widened at this. what could he possibly need you for? little did he know you also had a devastatingly abnormal crush on him too, and you didn’t know if you could handle the proximity as it was, with him towering over you like that.

gojo held out his arms in faux devastation.

“alas, let me go venture for someone who truly cares.” he then winked at you.

trust gojo to be fucking obvious.

it was then brought to geto’s attention it was just him and you.

shit. he’d actually have to say something.

“so. y/n, i was… well i wanted to know if-”

fucking hell was this going well.

you tilted your head at him stumbling over his words. what happened to the confident, headstrong guy you knew and loved relatively liked?

“suguru, are you okay?”

fuuuck. he could’ve actually melted at you saying his name. your voice was so soft and soothing. he had to have you now.

“y/n. i need you to know something. i like you. like really badly. you’re constantly on my mind all day and i wouldn’t want anyone else if they’re not you. i understand if you don’t feel the same and we could just continue as before…”

while he was rambling you stood there shocked at his confession. you couldn’t believe he liked you back this whole time. it almost felt too easy.

“suguru.”

nothing. he was still rambling on. it seemed he was lost at this point. so you did what seemed right.

he paused heavily after feeling a pair of soft, cushioned lips against his own.

you were kissing him? did this mean you felt the same way?

he paused mid sentence and kissed you back, hands gently gripping your waist. you pulled his hair out of its bun and tangled your fingers in his strands, deepening the kiss.

sadly, breathing is a mandatory thing so the both of you eventually pulled back for air.

“does that answer your question?”

“wow. um…yeah definitely.” he placed his hand behind his head before continuing;

“i want to ask you right though, would you do me the honour of going on a date with me?”

you smiled at him brightly, bringing him into a tight hug.

“of course i would.”

—

soon enough one date turned into 3, and that evening, on top of a random skyscraper turned picnic setting, you became geto’s official girlfriend.

everything ran smooth, both parties were happy, and life was good.

until it wasn’t.

when the star plasma vessel riko died, geto’s persona changed. you noticed throughout the year you were dating how he changed, becoming more and more distant by the day, until the geto you once knew and loved was once again no more, only this time in a much more sour light.

nevertheless you stuck by him. 2 long years, hoping that he’d one day wake up and things would return back to normal.

that worked, right up until he grew tired of you. endless arguments and neglect on his part was bound to reach it’s breaking point.

“suguru please, i can’t keep doing this with you anymore. have you just forgotten about everyone who’s ever cared about you. what about satoru? what about me?”

he spared you one glance before turning his head back towards the end of the room.

“tell me this y/n, do you follow my beliefs? do you believe just as much as i do that humanity is scum and deserves to cease to exist?”

“suguru you know just as well as i do that you’re alone in that belief.”

he came closer, lifting your chin up with two fingers so he could look directly into your eyes, his own cold and devoid of emotion.

“so why am i wasting my time with you then?”

your eyes widened. as much as he had turned into a national dickhead, up till now he had never made it seem like your relationship was pointless.

he smirked at you and dropped his fingers from your chin, your head falling forward with them.

“let’s be clear y/n, until you can see it in yourself to take up my values, consider us done. don’t come looking for me. it won’t be friendly as it is now.”

you couldn’t do anything but stand there, confused how things came to be. one thing was evident though. geto wouldn’t change his mind. and with how he just disrespected you, you were reluctant to stay in his presence any longer.

and so, with a heavy heart and desolate mood, you walked away.

away from him and your crumbling relationship.

#geto x y/n #getou suguru x reader #jujutsu geto #jjk geto #geto x you #geto x reader #geto suguru #anime #jujutsu kaisen #jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk gojo #gojo saturo #gojo satoru #fluff #jjk fluff #jjk angst #jjk s2 #jjk season 2 #angst

[joys-of-everyday]

On the fifty shades of morally grey

So quick thoughts on how MXTX writes morally grey.

Sorry, I mean, excessively long meta post on how MXTX writes morally grey. Light spoilers for all three books.

A gazillion caveats to begin with. Firstly, I don’t want to argue about whether character x is morally good, bad, grey, pink or whatever. In my books, arguing about whether someone is or is not morally grey is like arguing whether a colour is green, blue, teal, or turquoise – we’re arguing definitions. To add to that, I’m not saying that concepts like ‘this person is overall good’ doesn’t exist, but I would posit that a morally unquestionable person does not exist. Secondly, I also don’t want to pass moral judgements on any of the characters. That’s for a different post. I strictly want to focus on the storytelling techniques that make the reader think ‘hang on a second, are they good or bad?’. Thirdly, this whole post is mainly based on How Arcane Writes MORAL AMBIGUITY (9 Methods, 4 Rules) - YouTube. Great video, great channel (no knowledge of Arcane required). Would recommend if you are interested in story writing techniques!

1) The information gap and the poor narrator

Best example is Shen Jiu from SVSSS. We barely know anything about Shen Jiu. Almost everything we know is from SQQ’s notoriously unreliable perspective, so we’re left to fill in the gaps ourselves. Depending on exactly how those gaps are filled, you can get two completely different people. E.g. Did he have designs of NYY, or was he just ridiculously misunderstood? Who knows! We’re never told. Even if we were told, we should doubt it because it’s SQQ telling us.

2) 4D characterisation

Schnee’s video goes into this in more details, but this is where you build two narratives on top of one another. Best example is Jin Guangyao from MDZS. Is he an underdog who did what he could out of his situation and tried his best to be a better person working for the good of the common people? Or is he a selfish, manipulative, ambitious snake who at every stage pretends to be good in order to win the favour of those around him? The point is that both narratives make sense in the story. There are moments that lean more one way or another, but you can never quite pin him down completely.

3) Moments of weakness

Best example is Xie Lian from TGCF. On the whole, XL is a wonderful human being who you 100% want to root for. Except… there was that one time he made a mistake. He let his hurt and pain overcome him; he became hurtful himself. The point here is to add in just a few ‘moments’ which fundamentally impacts how the rest of the world perceives them from that point forwards. They are forever trying to redeem themselves, forever weighed down by what is a tiny proportion of their life. The underlying question is ‘is a moment of weakness a moral failure?’

Another good example is Qi Rong from TGCF. On the whole, he’s a piece of s***. But then there are moments when he’s a genuinely good father to Guzi, and that’s confusing.

4) Well-intentioned idiot

Trying to do the right thing and absolutely failing. Best example is Wei Wuxian from MDZS. His intentions are always good. There are extremely few moments where he is selfish or overly cruel. He is always fighting for justice, always self-sacrificing, always kind. And yet the outcome of his actions is pretty bad. The underlying question is ‘should you judge a person based on their intent, or on the consequences of their actions?’

(btw the name of the method is from schnee’s video. No shade on WWX. He is very smart… well, unless it comes to LWJ’s feelings.)

5) Excuses

Yes, they’re bad. But we feel sorry for them! Almost everyone fits into this boat, because doesn’t MXTX love trauma dumping? As one example, let’s look at Jiang Cheng from MDZS. JC’s behaviour towards WWX is pretty bad on its own. But given the context of his childhood being compared to him, of having his self-esteem brutally crushed by both parents? Knowing how much he’s done and sacrificed for him, how much he truly cared for him as family? It hits different.

A small point: ‘excuses aren’t enough’ we say a lot (and I agree, to an extent). But compare, for example, Jin Guangshan vs Xue Yang. JGS seems to be a power-hungry asshole for absolutely no reason. On the other hand, put XY in different circumstances and we feel like he might have been a better person. Just as food for thought, there was a Japanese monk Honen (1133-1212) who said: ‘The good person can reach the Pure Land, so of course the evil person can as well’. The point being that the people who struggle with anger and hate because of their circumstances are most in need of salvation.

6) World building and presenting hard questions

What is acceptable sacrifice in war?

Is it okay to make a super dangerous weapon for the sake of deterrence?

How much personal responsibility does someone hold for a lifetime of circumstances pushing them towards a morally questionable path?

What are the responsibilities of a leader – to do what is right, or to do what is best for their people?

The world of MDZS is imperfect. It’s full of horrors and disasters, as well as a mob of outsiders all trying to impart their opinions despite knowing little about the situation. An imperfect world presents unanswerable questions. We see the characters struggle with these questions, come to decisions, and make mistakes, all naturally arising within the complex world that’s been presented. 

TGCF does this most explicitly. We literally have Kemo and Pei Xiu arguing about the ethics of war and XL concluding that it’s a Hard Question. In fact, every backstory of every Heavenly Official presents a new Hard Question. I don’t know if I like this method over the more subtle style of MDZS, but I have Thoughts about the storytelling styles of both (long story short, I love them both for different reasons).

7) Worlds are colliding

A slightly complicated method that takes a huge amount of set up. To summarise, set up two arcs that we the reader both feel invested in. Then set up a point where the ‘good’ outcome of one is the ‘bad’ outcome of another. For MDZS, we have 1) JC and WWX’s brotherhood arc. 2) WWX standing up for justice arc. They’re both merrily developing all the way through the conflict with the Wens… right until the moment WWX has to make a choice: stand up for justice and leave JC behind, or to fulfil his promises to JC and turn a blind eye to the injustices against the Wens. The decision is a lose-lose scenario because of the way these arcs have been set up.

8) Spectrums, Spectrums, we love Spectrums

Gongyi Xiao is a cinnamon roll. As is Wen Ning and Quan Yizhen. Meanwhile, the Old Palace Master? Literally no redeeming qualities. Wen Chao? Absolute scum. Then there’s everyone lying somewhere in between. We like Lan Wangji more than JC (I think that seems to be the case for most people?) but we certainly like JC more than JGS. Having a spectrum of morality is important because it gives us reference points to contrast and compare. It also emphasises the moral greyness of everything, because sure, Mu Qing isn’t a noodle like Shi Qingxuan, but is he worse than White No Face?

9) Spectrums aren’t enough – adding depth

Almost all of WWX’s moral ambiguity comes from the fact he has hard decisions to make. And for each of these decisions, the outcome is murky. He developed a new technique to fight against the Wens, but at what cost later down the line? He defended the Wens and gave them a few years of life, but was it worth it?

Compare with JGY. JGY does a lot of good. He also does a lot of bad. The magnitude of both lists is ridiculous. Sure, you wouldn’t usually find someone who’s killed most of their family members in any way likable, but how often do you come across someone who literally ended a war?

So one way of creating moral ambiguity is to make each decision difficult, but another way to go about it is to just… make them do loads of things. Like loads of things. Good things, bad things, all the in between things. Judging each thing is not that hard, but then trying to judge the overall person based on it is extremely difficult.

10) Pulling from the real world

Often, moral questions in fiction is hard because (surprise, surprise) moral questions are just hard full stop. Idk enough Chinese history and culture to accurately pin down all of MXTX’s references, but things like stupid misunderstands leading to conflict, poverty and inequality, less than ideal family situations, the horrors of war… these are all things that happen irl. No matter how fantastical the setting, grounding moral conflicts in reality makes us feel more emotional and invested.

Anyway, I hope that was an enjoyable rundown! This is an imperfect list, so comments, criticisms, suggestions greatly appreciated!

#i cannot get over how good mdzs is #a moment of appreciation here #mxtx #mxtx meta #svsss #mdzs #tgcf #svsss meta #mdzs meta #tgcf meta

[kanmom51]

I have things to say

I’ve been thinking for some time now to put this out, but now seems to be a most appropriate time if ever.

Blogging on Tumblr is not a profession, it’s a hobby.

Blogging is about wanting to share your passion with others and enjoying the little community that is built around that shared passion.

No money to be made here folks, well not by me nor any of the blogs I follow or am in touch with.

It’s time consuming and can most definitely be emotionally challenging.

I, for one, when I joined Tumblr late 2020, was unaware of the little community I would discover here.  We gather here in this little space we have created, each to themselves, but also through interaction, together, and created this little bubble where we can share our thought and feelings and respect and support each other.

We don’t do this for money, nor fame, nor even appreciation.

But, and I can only speak for myself here, I am no spokesperson for anyone else, I do expect civility and respect and even kindness at the very least.  Even when disagreeing. 

Words are powerful things.

How you put those words to action is also so important.

You may not think you are disrespecting another or saying something hurtful. Perhaps, because you are saying it from your heart, or because you think that if you aren’t using derogative words, you think what you are saying isn’t hurting, disrespecting or even making another person feel uncomfortable or intimidated.

I don’t expect people to mince words.  But I do expect them to be thoughtful of others as they would others be thoughtful of them.

Do not do to others what you do not want done to yourself.

I most definitely understand that when you have passionate feelings about an issue you can get carried away.  I most definitely have at times.  But, I try my best.  And if I am out of line and it’s brought to my attention, I will take responsibility for my actions.  I am not infallible.  I am human.

We are all human.

Owning up to your mistakes is key.  Being able to admit you are in the wrong is key.  Being willing to listen to other’s opinions is key.  Sometimes, who knows, you might even be convinced.  I was.

We cannot grow as human beings and be better people, if we are not open to listen and hear other opinions than our own. 

I’ve said this in the past, I came from a more conservative background.  My life beliefs now as an adult have changed immensely from what they were even in my 20s.  And they are still changing, I can tell you that!  But, if I wasn’t open to hearing others, weighing their words, without being dismissive, I would have never become the person that I am today. 

I am sharing this with you, probably unnecessarily, because I feel that the world would be a much better place, this space of ours will be a much better place, if only we could be open to listening to others without dismissing them.  This, I will say once again, being within the limits of respect and civility towards each other, and towards the people we are actually writing about.

You all know JK and JM are my faves, no secret there.

What is it that young intelligent man had to say about what people should have?

Respect

Understanding

Consideration

Three words that are really not that hard to follow.

And in order to be clear and not too vague: 

Hating, calling names, disrespect as a whole (these are thing I’ve seen happen and will not accept: mocking one’s gender, looks, weight, colour of skin, religion, ethnicity etc.) and aggressive behavior/writing is unacceptable.

Criticism, calling out perceived bad or problematic behavior is, on the other hand, acceptable.  

**Just a thought:  If the person you want to call out is within this community, try reaching out to them via DM’s before you post it in public.  At times this could be perceived as shaming them and the road from there is definitely downhill.  DM’s are a great space to speak openly, privately, without being held to public judgement.  Once again, it’s about putting yourself in their shoes.**

This is where the respectful discussion comes into place.  Because there will be those who feel differently than yourself, and that’s fine, that’s ok.  We need to know how to listen, think it over and sometimes accept the other’s opinion or sometimes not, but at the very least weigh it through and not dismiss them, nor their arguments off hand.   

I am far from perfect and I know that I at times have sinned.  If someone out there is reading these lines and thinking they were wronged by me, I do apologize.  Could have been a bad day, could have been a bad mood, could have been too many annoying anons, could have been just me being an idiot.  Like I said, I am far from perfect.  Human, just like JK and JM and Tae and Hobi and Suga and RM and Jin are.  HUMAN (psst… you see where I’m going there right?  I’ll leave the math up to you this time).

Yah – it doesn’t mean you haters that show up in my blog once in a while.  You deserved every word of it.

I know I’m babbling here, but I guess I need to get all of this off my chest.

So, where was I?

Ah, yes, our community. 

Like I said, it’s built on our little individual personal spaces.  This is supposed to be a place where we find a form of joy or contentment, because otherwise, why did we start it all? 

And as such, we each have the right to curate our space, build it to our own liking, share what we feel the need to share. 

If we want anons on and have the time and patience to answer the onslaught of asks that land in our inbox then great (I can tell you that having my anons on for less than 24 hours leaves me with hundreds of asks in my inbox, including some very nasty shit, as people love to hide behind the screen of anonymity). If we feel that it’s just too much for us and we would rather spend the little spare time that we have doing our blogging on creating content, then so be it. 

If we decide to follow blogs we think might be interesting to us or unfollow blogs we feel bring us no pleasure or even cause us displeasure, so be it.  I can tell you that I too unfollow blogs, I am sure each and every one of us does. 

Personal space, personal decision.

Going to a blogger and calling them out for writing a post about a and not b, well dah, it’s their blog.  You feel you need something to be written about b, go write it yourself in your own space. 

Calling out a blogger for something they wrote, if you feel is problematic, not in their DMs, but publicly, is A-OK, as long as you are ready for a clap back as to why they or others feel that it is ok and are ready to have that discussion about why maybe, you yourself are wrong.  Saying what you think or believe in is grand, but you need to accept the fact that others may think/feel differently than you and will tell you so.  Be ready to have a respectful discussion.   

Your blog, your beliefs.  100%. 

Be respectful towards others beliefs too.  Agree to disagree but don’t belittle them or call them names.  I can tell you that nothing boils my blood (well almost nothing) more the loose use of the term delulu among ourselves.  This is a term that is used widely to describe each and every one of us Jikook supporters, because we are considered out of our minds to believe that JM and JK may be queer and in a romantic relationship with each other.  So turning this on another Jikook blogger is just not right in my opinion.  It absolutely infuriates me as to how easily it’s thrown at others here, within our Jikook community. 

I’m not sure that I’ve said everything I wanted to.  You know, I’m not getting any younger, have been writing so much that by now I think I might have forgotten some points I wanted to make.  But what can you do?  C’est la vie.

I will end by saying that I, for one, consider myself as a JM/JK (Jikook is so much easier to type out) supporter.  I believe these two, beautiful both in and out, young men are a long-term couple.  I am not a shipper and do not hold shares in the shipping company.  If one day they turn around and tell us “hey fuckers, fooled you, it was all fanservice and we ain’t no couple”, or if it turns out that they are no longer together (because let’s be real here for a second, that first scenario is never happening), then so be it.  All I want is for them to be happy (not that I don’t want the others to be happy, but I have a very special place in my heart for those two. Maybe because JK reminds me of myself, maybe because they remind me of my daughters, idk the psychological reasons for it, it just is what it is).

I also love ALL of the other members.  Be it not the same level as JM and JK (like I said, special place in heart), nor same way as each other.  Each and every one of them is different, special in their own way and I love them for it, differently and specially. 

All 7 are loved.  None are beyond reproach. 

Loving someone, in my books, is also being able to call them out when you think they are misbehaving or doing wrong.

I did/do that with my daughters and I will continue to do that here.   And that includes you guys too.

And one more thing:

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for reading my content.

Thank you for reaching this far and reading this long winded post.

Thank you for all the love and appreciation you give me.

Love y’all.

#my blog #my space #Let's cherish this little community of ours

[team-council-two]

Overanalyzing the grammatical structure of all Heavy's lines from every TF2 comic. This is going to be very long. Buckle up.

I started with the Meet the Heavy video and then tried to include every line I found across all comics. I split some lines into several parts when I wanted to talk about them at length and merged a lot of them when I didn't have much to say. I also skipped some short lines containing only one word - something that would provide meaningful enough grounds for discussion. Without further ado...

“Meet the Heavy” video

“I am Heavy Weapons Guy… and this  is my weapon.” – naturally skips an article, which is very accurate because articles don’t exist in Russian at all. I like that he uses his full title, too. Russian nicknames work differently from English ones, I’m not surprised he didn’t shorten it to “Heavy”.

“She weighs one hundred fifty kilograms and fires two-hundred-dollar, custom-tooled cartridges at ten thousand rounds per minute. It costs four hundred thousand dollars to fire this weapon…for twelve seconds.” – so it actually makes very little grammatical sense for him to be calling his gun a “she”, as a gun in Russian can have any gender depending on how you want to go about the specifics. But people attribute human qualities to non-human objects all the time, men call cars a “she”, so a gun isn’t any different.

“Oh my God, who touched Sasha? Alright…Who touched my gun!?” – in the Russian dub the phrase “Oh my God” is translated literally – «Боже мой!» - and it sounds out of place. It does make sense in English though, as it’s a very popular, very easy-to-say phrase that Russians do in fact use a lot, both when it is and isn’t applicable.

“Some people think they can outsmart me. Maybe, maybe. I’ve yet to meet one that can outsmart bullet.” – I actually think this is the only time they let Heavy use a contraction, as in “I’ve”. I wish we could have it back to be honest, otherwise he sounds like a robot. I also like no article before “bullet”, it’s very natural for him to skip it.

The MAC Update

“I cannot believe our guns break in middle of battle. Again.” – a very natural mix-up of tenses, with “break” instead of “broke”. The missing article sounds less natural, considering that “in the middle of” is a popular phrase that’s never used without the article. If Heavy remembers the phrase, he would most likely remember the article too.

“Is so white…” – I’ve talked about this before, it’s a case of a missing subject that almost never happens in Russian.

“Bullet will update blog with kill count?” – I love this example because it utilizes word order in a clever way. In English questions are formed via changing the word order, as in “Will (the) bullet…?”. In Russian, however, questions are formed using intonation, so the swap isn’t necessary, and sometimes we forget to do it. So, Heavy remembers to use the future tense (“will”), but not the correct word order, which is a very natural mistake.

“I do not have blog.” – forgets the article again, bless him. Though I wish he used “don’t” instead of “do not”, as that’s much easier to say. All of my students immediately switch to “don’t” when they learn about it.

“I like this gun.” – I’ve seen some people comment on these kind of lines, suggesting they make Heavy sound “dumb”, but I don’t believe that to be the case. Phrases like “I like X” and “I don’t like Y” are something you learn very early when studying a language, and they stick with you as a shorthand to describe complex emotions while lacking the vocabulary. So a lot of learners have “favorite” phrases and grammar constructions that they overuse, even when those phrases are too simple for a given context. So, it’s not out of a certain intellectual level – it’s just a habit.

Meet the Director

“No. This is my gun. I like to shoot this gun. Is all you need to know.” – Missing a subject again. Also, on the little detail of him repeating the same words: it does happen. In my experience, when someone whose first language isn’t English constructs a sentence, they don’t notice such repetitions unless they have a good enough grasp of the language to think about stylistic choices.

“I also get pictures in mail. Of my home. I will find this man. I will destroy this man.” – Again, the repetition here is something that could very well happen. In order to not say “this man” again, Heavy would have to substitute it with “him”, which is “he” in what I think English speakers call object case? Not sure, but either way, it’s somewhat grammatically challenging if your conversational skills are somewhere on Heavy’s level.

“Yes. Yes. Yes, I must buy Sascha better bed.” – WHY DO THEY SPELL SASHA LIKE THAT. I share my name with Heavy’s gun, so this, to me, is a personal offense.

Bombinomicon

“Every day Heavy risk life.” – he would not speak about himself in third person. It doesn’t happen. It’s not natural. I’ve read somewhere that neurodivergent people sometimes speak about themselves in third person though, so that might be a case of “Heavy autistic” as opposed to “Heavy Russian”. I’ll leave that to headcanons.

“To earn money. To feed family. Instead, you would have Heavy spend this money.” – so, that’s a bit unnatural given Heavy’s overall English skills. “You would have Heavy spend…” is something called a bare infinitive slapped onto something called a Second Conditional, which is… Well, advanced. It contrasts with how he usually speaks.

��On stupid candy. For YOU. You PRESUMPTUOUS, LAZY, FAT…” – okay, this is a nitpick, but I think it’s funny that Heavy’s vocab is narrow enough to call candy “stupid” at his noble age of over fifty, yet sophisticated enough to call someone presumptuous.

“Oh. Um. Stop. Heavy did not mean this.” – he uses “this” in place of “it” a lot, which is quite natural. The Russian language doesn’t have a pronoun like “it”. It has a gender-neutral pronoun, but that’s different, because even inanimate objects have genders in Russian. “It” is unusual to us. We do, however, have a word for “this”.

“Little child is not fat. People call Heavy fat. Please stop crying. Here. Here is seven thousand dollars.” – I think this one is good because I, a Russian, cannot tell you if it’s supposed to be “here is” or “here are”. I think both are correct but “here is” is definitely used more often. We just forget plural exists most of the time. Grammarly has to correct my “there’s [things]” on a regular basis.

The Shadow Boxers

“Ha ha! Germany! Russia! Is big joke! Big American joke on Soldier!” – missing subject. Oh how my blood boils when I see those.

“Ohh, America. It is the place I am from. All the time.” – this is very funny because he probably did not mean “all the time”. I think he was looking for an expression of absolute confidence and “all the time” sounded impactful enough in his head. It’s how you write good mistakes. Definitely one of my favorites.

“Fine. This idea you both have? Is terrible idea.” – missing subjefjcnslkjngkjsdfj

“But if Miss Pauling is going, Heavy goes too.” – I find it odd that he uses Present Continuous “is going” in the first sentence and Present Simple “goes” in the second. I think it should be the same tense for both.

“Now is time to run.” – missing subject and I will kill somebody by the end of this

Comic #3: A Cold Day in Hell

“These bears were babies.” – so he uses this one correctly, but I want to point out that it would be realistic if he said “was” because Russian speakers mix them up all the time and “were” is very hard to pronounce.

“No. These bears were babies. Her babies.” – I like that he says “babies” when he means “children”. A “baby” is a very simple word with a simple plural. It’d be natural for him to learn it and to stick to using it out of habit.

“I would like it if Zhanna ministered to him less.” – again, correct, but kind of clashing, because this here is Second Conditional, which is among the more complicated structures. It’s somewhat hard to believe he can speak in Second Conditional freely but mixes up the simplest tenses.

“It was not planned, Yana. I will explain later. But for now, we have company. Some men I used to work with are here.” – “some men I used to work with” is an unusual structure because it has a preposition in the end of the sentence. Russian language does not allow that, and a lot of us struggle to master it because it just feels so unnatural. I think Heavy would either omit the preposition entirely or place it somewhere else – “some men with who I used to work are here”. It’s also worth noting that he’s using “used to” as a substitute for “worked”, and in my experience – although that’s not universal – “used to” is taught as a round-about way to deal with Past Simple for irregular verbs. So I think it would be somewhat funny if Heavy used it excessively when he isn’t sure what a certain verb’s past tense is. But that’s just a vague concept of mine, I’ll have to give it more thought in the future.

“No. I have obligations here to protect my family. I have let them down enough. They must never be put in danger again.” – “they must never be put” is a sentence in Passive Voice with a somewhat unusual negative “never” instead of classic “not”. It’s not entirely unnatural that Heavy would get this right, but it is unusual for him to speak in this manner. He would rather say “I must never put them in danger again”. He would also very likely say “should” instead of “must” because the two are typically taught by comparison, “should” being described as “polite”, which makes language learners unfairly favor it.

“This is the last we will discuss this. You will leave in the morning.” – I absolutely ADORE the misplaced future tense here. I also can’t tell if it’s supposed to be “the last time” or if he does get this one right, and that’s a good sign.

“Yana, Zhanna, Bronislava, I know it is hard. But the people who hurt us… Who took us away… There will always be more like them. If I wasn’t here, they would come. They would find you.” – I want to talk about “if I was” vs “if I were” here, because from a quick search it seems to me like native speakers mix them up too. I’ve never in my life heard a native Russian speaker say “if I were”. I learned that rule and immediately decided to ignore it for the rest of my life. I think that’s pretty much universal. So, good job, Valve.

“I see. You… But you probably did not make them suffer.” – “make them suffer” is another case of bare infinitive. A bare infinitive is an infinitive, in this case “to suffer”, stripped of the word “to”. I’m telling you this because I’m pretty sure every student I have mixes them up all the time. I think it would be a nice touch if Heavy did it too, especially considering that, as we’ll notice soon, he does it in later comics. “You did not make them to suffer” is the kind of incorrect sentence-building I’d like to see more often. Though I suppose given the emotional weight of the scene, a case could be made that it would be a distraction and not an asset.

“You are just saying this. I see. I guess you all are grown up girls now. Big girls who do not need bossy old Misha anymore.” – see, they spelled “Misha” correctly! Why not “Sasha” as well?!

“This mission. It will be dangerous? It pays well? But there will be evil men? And we will destroy them?” – once again, that question structure I so love! Or, well, the lack of a question structure.

“Then Heavy is back, babies!” – I don’t really know why Valve decided to make “babies” something of a catchphrase for Heavy. I can’t justify why he’d say it in this context, except maybe he watched some American movie once and heard a cool action hero say “baby” in a condescending way or something. That’d be pretty funny, actually.

“Mama, you are coming with us.” – big approve because yes, we call our mothers “mama”. We also shorten it to “mam”, pronounced kinda like “mum”, but only when we’re talking directly to them. So Heavy wouldn’t say “my mum”, he’d say “my mama”. But he would call her “mum” when talking to her.

“And we are never eating bear meat again.” – this is notable because he’s using Present Continuous “are eating” as a substitute for a future tense. That’s something native speakers do a lot, but also something quite difficult to get used to. I think he’d much rather say “And we will never eat bear meat again”. Also, people in Siberia don’t actually eat bears. I’ve even looked it up – it seems to be something of a taboo because of man-eating bears, as in, you don’t want to eat something that might have eaten a human before. Though I got that from research, not first hand experience, and it would be nice to have the information checked.

Comic #4: Blood in the Water

“Yes. Yes, fine. That is fine.” – again, my point about repeating familiar words and sentences stands. It’s very natural.

“There is no australium. I do not know. I suspect.” – please let him say “don’t”, I’m begging you

“How much australium have you helped the old woman to find?” – THIS HERE is what I was talking about with bare infinitives! It’s supposed to be “have you helped the old woman find” (or at least I think so), and he mixes it up and adds a “to”! Excellent!

“None of us have. And yet in last six months she has still managed to take almost all of it. So: who has been helping her? I think Miss Pauling cares.” – and I think Heavy should use Present Perfect less and Present Simple more. It’s just way more convenient for Russian speakers. Present Perfect and Present Perfect Continuous (“has managed”, “has been helping”) are confusing as fuck. Heavy would just say “she managed” and “who was helping” because it would make way more sense to a person who isn’t used to English in the same way Heavy clearly isn’t used to English.

“You should listen more and talk less.” – actually a Russian proverb! Very good!

“Yes. Yes, your father disappears often.” – very natural of Heavy to understand “disappeared” literally, as in “vanished from view”, and not figuratively, as in “left the family”.

“Miss Pauling can take care of herself. Let’s look around. Is hollow shell made of balsa wood and Styrofoam. Follow me.” – let’s play a game of DID YOU SPOT THE MISSING SUBJECT

“Be silent. Someone is here.” – love the “be silent” instead of the more usual “be quiet”. It’s very natural for a non-native speaker to mix up close synonyms.

“I do not understand you. I have told you that someone is here and to be silent.” – I wish they let him mix up his infinitives here too. “I told you that someone is here and be silent” is how I would have written it. Though, of course, that’s more of a personal preference.

“Yes. Yes, the old woman sent us. We are not here for australium. We are here for the men who took it.” – okay, so, there’s a word for an old woman in Russian. Two words, actually. «Старуха», which is rude to call someone, and «старушка», which is sort of cute. The Admin doesn’t fit the second one, but it would most likely be against Heavy’s moral code to call her the first one, given how his whole family is women and he drinks his respect women juice. Also, when I translated “старуха” as “old woman” to one of my students, they got upset there was no politer way to say it. I had to come up with “old lady”. I think Heavy would rather use that.

Comic #5: Old Wounds

All lines in this issue are said by the Classic Spy disguising as Heavy, but I’m including them anyway.

“What did Heavy miss?” – speaking in third person to mimic that autistic swag, I see

“Breaking out the others. No. There are thousands of robots patrolling this island. I barely made it here on my own.” – I can’t believe he said this whole thing without a single mistake and they still believed him /j

“If we try to fight out way out, we all die. If we try to sneak out, they will spot us. And we all die.” – so there’s a big mess going on here. First he mixes up Future Simple and Present Simple, and says “we all die” instead of “we all will die”, or the more organic Present Continuous “we’re all gonna die”. Then he says a full sentence in First Conditional, which uses both Future Simple and Present Simple, PERFECTLY. And then he does the same mistake as before, again. So, can he use Present Simple and Future Simple or not? Man needs to work on his disguise.

“No. We do not. You must escape, Miss Pauling. Get to the Administrator and complete this mission. I will stay behind and make distraction.” – he didn’t even call her “old woman” smh

“You will have time. I can make very big distraction. Miss Pauling, it is only way.” – “the only way” is a popular widely used sentence in the same way “in the middle” is. Never used without an article. A non-native speaker would likely not make this mistake.

Gargoyles and Gravel

“I wind up Sasha. I enter this room. I destroy the goblins.” – THEY SPELLED “SASHA” CORRECTLY HERE thank god

“No. I enter room and kill goblins with Sasha.” – so there’s a bit of inconsistency with the goblins, because first they’re “the goblins” and then just “goblins”. Not saying it can’t happen, but it would be nicer if he got it wrong the first time and corrected himself the second, not vice versa.

“Miss Pauling. You have seen me in this exact situation with much worse than goblins. You do not need this dice. You have my word. I will kill these goblins.” – I like “this dice”, it’s incorrect and yet we all say it.

“Every Halloween he comes here and tries to kill us.” – and that’s probably exactly how Heavy remembers when the hell this “Halloween” is. I sure only ever remember it because the internet goes insane, but my man doesn’t have this kind of luxury.

“I can stand no more of this. I do not want to sit at tiny table and pretend I am killing monsters. There are real monsters outside. We have killed them before. We will kill them again. Who is with me? Wizard! We accept your challenge!” – he sounds a bit like a confused medieval royal in the beginning there, doesn’t he? That feels more like something Demo would say. I’d phrase it like “I can’t stand more of this!”.

The Showdown

“Hello, Miss Pauling. Goodbye, Miss Pauling.” – this is funny because yes, that’s how you’re taught to say “hello” and “goodbye” when you’re a second language speaker. I’ve been speaking English for, well, years, and I still get that high school kid instinct when someone says “good morning”.

“Quickly. Yes. Ihavecomehereformoreguns. This is as fast as Heavy can talk.” – I don’t have anything to say about this bit grammatically, but I think it’s a very funny misunderstanding.

“When I start working here, you give me Sasha. I like this gun. Over years you give me Svetlana… Sheila… Oksana… I like these guns also. And then you stopped.” – LOVE the tenses mix-up in the beginning. LOVE that they spelled “Sasha” correctly again. My only nitpick is that “Svetlana” is a full name. “Sasha” is a nickname of “Alexandra”, “Oksana” doesn’t have a nickname, and “Sheila” is not a Russian name, so… I think “Svetlana” should just be “Sveta”. It sounds much better, too.

“No. I want more guns. This is fine. Heavy is only one asking.” – “asking” in this case is a gerund. Gerund doesn’t exist in Russian. Not saying Heavy COULDN’T get it right, but it would be natural for him to stumble over such a construction and say something like “Heavy is the only one who ask” or something along those lines.

“Old woman, I need—I’m sorry, what is—Ma’am, I need—” – see, he’s looking for a polite option! I’m surprised he actually called her “old woman” to her face. That would be so rude. Wow, Heavy.

“Hello, Pyro. You let good friend Heavy take guns first, yes? Heavy give you this instead. Yes, you take this, and Heavy takes—" – okay, yeah, adding “yes?” at the end of sentences to make a question is so painfully real. Literally the easiest way to make a question. Love it. Very accurate.

Comic #6: The Naked and the Dead

“Sister, what are you doing here? Zhanna, where is your hand?” – this may not be common knowledge, but we don’t actually call our sisters “sister” to their face. That’s just a little weird. I would know, I have a sister. But I’m willing to let this one slide because it’s the 1960s and the morals were different back then.

“Yes. Of course. Good. Wait, what is this? Where do you get this necklace of… Human ears… Sister, NO.” – love that he says “where do you get” instead of “where did you get”. Also this bit is so funny. For the record, as far as I know, necklaces of human ears were never a common practice in Russia.

“Ahhh, Sasha, I have missed your voice.” – every time they spell her name correctly, my soul sings in happiness.

“Do not hit doctor.” – I like that he uses “doctor” as a nickname here, kind of like “Medic”, give that TF2 classes are spelled without the articles. Russian word for a doctor is, in fact, “doctor”. Though, amusingly enough, Russian word for a medic is, in fact, “medic”.

“You want a good death? Coward, I should have known you would not want fair fight.” – so, there’s a bit of an inconsistency here between “want a good death” and “want fair fight” because I can’t find a good enough reason why he uses an article the first time and no article the second. I think it should be vice versa, as in, he got it wrong the first time and corrected himself later.

“You… You killed doctor. You killed my friend. I do not need to live forever. Just long enough to sit here… and watch you die.” – I don’t actually have any commentary here, but I love these lines a lot.

“You are a coward.” – I like that Heavy doesn’t have as many variations in insulting people as the other mercs. Russian is very rich with swear-words, as you probably know from literal dozens of times you’ve asked me about them, but English insults function and feel different, less threatening, with less weight to them. So that’s the second time Heavy calls Cheavy a coward, which is just about as accusatory and pissed off as he can get in English, with what limited range of words it has for being angry.

“Is good to have you back, Doctor. Heh. Baboon triplets. Steroids. Pregnancy pen. Only you could come up with bluff that insane, Doctor.” – spot the missing subject, round two

“What is this.” – this is great because, as I mentioned earlier, the Russian language uses intonations to indicate a question. Well, English does that too, in conjunction with grammar. In English, the tone goes up, becomes more high-pitched. In Russian, the tone goes down, becomes lower. Russian speakers also on average speak lower than English speakers. So when Heavy is asking this question, somewhat disturbed and possibly frightened, he naturally sounds “flat” to English speakers, hence a period instead of a question mark at the end of the sentence. Very subtle, I’m not sure if that was actually the intent behind the line, but it plays well either way.

That's it!

Hope you enjoyed the analysis, let me know if there are points that need further clarification or if there are lines I've missed and, as always, have fun writing!

#Heavy Language Post #tf2 #tf2 heavy #yeah why did they use the german spelling for sasha once? - Aschen #OH IS THAT THE GERMAN SPELLING? That's kinda cool! - Ray

[chatonnoir]

So the plotline of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man movies from the 2000s has always been an obvious inspiration for Miraculous. For those who don’t know or remember, basically Spider-Man’s first nemesis was The Green Goblin, who also happened to be his best friend’s rich, distant, widowed father. Spider-Man and Green Goblin find out each other’s identities over the course of the first movie, and in the final battle, the Green Goblin makes a mistake that leads to his own death. As the man was dying after he'd spiraled in to insanity & his plan to kill Spider-Man backfired on him he used his last words to ask Peter not to tell his son the truth: that he turned out to be a villainous piece of shit. Spider-Man isn’t able to leave before Harry sees him with the dead body of his father. So riddled with horror and sadness and guilt over destroying his best friends' family/leaving him orphaned and wanting to honor that dying wish Peter lets his best friend be devastated believing his superhero persona just murdered Harry's "innocent civilian" father in cold blood and lets the public believe Norman Osborn was just a normal billionaire and not the public menace he actually was.

The next two movie adaptations in the trilogy then explored how the knowledge weighs on Peter and how this all put a strain on their friendship and how Peter now has to listen to his best friend tell him how much he wants to kill his superhero alter ego for revenge. Many civilians hate him and think he’s a danger to the public, and he struggles to balance his personal and hero lives, so for a brief period of time he gives up being Spider-Man before realizing that the city needs him. Harry resolves to kill Spider-Man to avenge his father, but when he’s about to go through with it he discovers Spider-Man’s identity and is devastated to find out it’s his own beloved best friend and can’t bring himself to hurt him. Soon after this, Harry discovers his father’s secret Villain Room within their house and realizes his father was the Green Goblin and has visions of his father compelling him to avenge him and kill Spider-Man despite he himself not wanting to hurt Peter. The end of the second movie is also when Mary Jane, Peter’s love interest, finally learns his identity.

The plot of the third movie is all over the place but tl;dr: Harry becomes the new Green Goblin and is hellbent on killing Spider-Man, while the movie also continues to emphasize through this that Harry loves and would die for his friends, and in the final battle against two other villains, Harry takes a hit for Spider-Man and dies protecting him because his love for Peter won out despite everything.

And as you can see the story starts out having a LOT in common with Miraculous. The hero is a regular boy who is saddled with superpowers, a red suit, and great responsibility, he struggles with balancing his real life and civilian lives, he suffers due to having to keep secrets from his loved ones and hurting his relationships because of it, and he’s not able to be with the girl he loves because of his hero identity. The hero’s rich best friend has a father whose love and approval he yearns for. Said father is a cold, distant widow who changed after his wife (named Emily!) died. He's a famous business owner who is impressed by the hero’s talents as a civilian. He’s also secretly a supervillain/domestic terrorist who progressively loses his sanity over the course of the movie. His identity reveal is a devastating secret that has major impacts on the hero and his best friend.

But then that plot plays out a lot differently than how most people seem to expect the story of Miraculous to play out, at least judging from the trends I see in fanfiction etc. and how they expect the order of events to go. Like with the villain's son not finding out about his father’s villainy at all in the first arc and only learning long after his father is defeated and dies, at the end of the second film. Same with him finding out the hero’s identity. And also with the hero and the best friend/rich villain’s son having a whole angst/enemies arc over how the villainous father’s ghost still hangs between them long after his death.

So my deranged possible prediction for Season 5: At the end of the season Gabriel will die due to something of his own doing (he IS already dying from the cataclysm on his arm as is). There’s also a part in the Spider-Man comics where Spider-Man is briefly able to snap the Green Goblin out of his madness by showing him that his son was emaciated in the hospital, so maybe Gabriel snaps out of his madness when he somehow senti-snaps Adrien out of existence and then realizes what he’s done, leading to Ladybug being able to defeat him and possibly having to use the combined Ladybug & Black Cat Miraculous wish to bring Adrien back (since the final ep is called Re-Creation). Gabriel's last dying wish is that Ladybug not tell Adrien his secret. The world doesn't find out Gabriel Agreste was Hawkmoth and mourns the death of Gabriel Agreste and Ladybug has to carry the secret and guilt alone.

Speculating on what could happen after that in the next season is harder and even more deranged. I'm pretty sure the lovesquare identity reveal is supposed to happen this season but maybe they Don't reveal this season at all and the next season(s) follow the aftermath and consequences of Gabriel’s death, seeing as Spider-Man 2 had Peter struggling with the Green Goblin secret and had both his love interest and his best friend learning his identity. Adrien Agreste is not as vengeful as Harry Osborn is and unlike Harry with Spider-Man before Spider-Man’s identity reveal, Adrien knows and loves Ladybug, so would he actually believe Ladybug killed his father or anything close to it? Could they do a Ladynoir enemies arc? While Adrien and Marinette are dating pre-reveal and Marinette struggles with the weight of the promise she made and the secret she has to keep from the person she loves? The end of the first Spider-Man had Peter and Mary Jane at Norman Osborn’s funeral, with Mary Jane confessing that she loved Peter and Peter rejecting her by saying they should remain Just Friends and breaking her heart, despite spending the entire movie pining for her, because he refuses to put her in danger. In a similar fashion, if we get Adrienette dating pre-reveal this season, maybe they’ll break up? I highly doubt Adrien would have a badboy revenge phase but there’s other ways it could be done. I was wondering how Lila (who is obviously being set up to be the next hawkmoth) could possibly be a more threatening/dangerous villain than a billionaire, but thinking about her lies/manipulation in the context of the plot of the Spider-Man movies and how Peter struggles with the people not trusting him and the media making him out to be a menace after he defeats the Green Goblin...... maybe Lila convinces the public that Ladybug is actually a threat? That her failure led to the death of """Beloved Designer""" Gabriel Agreste? Public enemy Ladybug perhaps?? Vs. conflicted hero Chat Noir??? And then an identity reveal that changes everything??? Idk if I can imagine Chat Noir believing Ladybug could be bad or turning on her especially when they're closer than ever right now but if the cards were played right who knows. Or maybe they'll just have an angst arc without the enemies part?? I probably won't even have an answer to any of this for another 2 years 🥲

#speculation #ml spoilers #long post #lets see what happens when i come back to this post in several months when the season concludes

[bellamyblake]

Bellarke and leadership

something i wanna talk about now that I’m rewatching s1 and perhaps awfully late realizing for the first time is the part about leadership and especially when it comes for Bellamy and Clarke to take up on those roles.

While yes, it’s true that when Clarke comes down, she tries to take charge and make the others listen to her, I don’t believe she’s in an absolute leadership position, not even when they decide to banish Murphy in 1x04. It’s interesting for her because the progression that’s happening there for her is a bit different-she loses her dad, then she’s locked up, then she comes to earth where she does try to take care of the people but in fact just kind of gets caught up in some personal problems. The first of which is the one with her mom, dad and Wells-it takes some time figuring out what happened there. The other one is a newly created problem that is Finn, falling in love with him, then Raven coming down and her having to first swallow down her feelings for him and then save his life and keep doing that for the good of him and Raven as she can see how much they mean to each other.

In other words, I don’t think she fully assumes the role as a leader until 1x07/ or maybe I dare say 1x08 where she 1st-decides to agree on torturing Lincoln for information which is a big step, a leader step where the decisions weigh on you and it’s not just maps and runnign around trying to find Mount Weather or being in the weird dynamic place beteween an old friend who’s in love with you and a new guy who’s interested in you.

She actually takes a step towards real leadership there and later absolutely fills in those shoes when she meets Anya.

But What I want to talk about here is Bellamy. I believe he assumes the real leadership position at first and carries it on a bit longer before Clarke joins him in. That is of course, a product of the circumestances-he has taken charge a long time ago when his mom put his sister in his hands and told him she was his responsibility. She makes him name Octavia and take care of her, promising to keep her quiet and safe. The whole reason why we were lucky enough to have a Blake siblings flashback was, I believe, because of that-showing where it all came for for Bellamy but not just the understandting behind his current actions (aka taking off the wristbands for his love for his sister) but also why he fits in the leadership position from the moment they hit the ground.

He had already been a parent and a leader for the past seventeen years. With a mom who made sure she did just enoug hto survive but offered no love, he had to fill in a gap between Auora and Octavia, while putting himself away from experiencing what a real family was in order to take proper care for his sister and please his mother. 

When he comes to the ground he tries to ensamble his people, then convinces them taking off the wristbands is good for them (even though he is indeed trying to save himself here FOR Octavia, a part I think people forget often), he surrounds himself with people he trusts but also helps built this camp-organizes the delinquents to build a wall (remember 1x04 “If it wasn’t for her, those idiots would still be building a wall” when he talks about Clarke saying the truth about Wells;), He quickly realizes what’s good for the people-the truth and omitting it in the case with Charlotte because it will safe them in this unstable situation; He cares for them which is shown when he goes out to look for Octavia and Roma and Mbege die. (I hate when ppl say he only started caring about the delinquents later-he did, from the beginning), he went hunting with them, made them work on rations, etc. 

He also makes some very big leadership mistakes-the first one being hanging Murphy and the second one-throwing the radio away in the river when Raven lands. Now that second one is a really big and very heavy decision, one that Clarke if you think about it doesn’t get to make until the end of the season where she agrees on Raven using the hydrozyne to kill the grounders. Yes, he does make it so he can save himself but his personal decision weighs on the whole camp because if the rest of the Ark doesn’t come down, how do they survive. The whole conversation with Jaha in 1x08 where he hallucinates him just proves all that. While for Clarke it’s her dad she sees and misses, Bellamy is the one already beating himself up for mistakes akined to someone who’s ruling and leading. (and who feels the same amount of guilt the council on the Ark does, aka the parallels between Kane and Bellamy starting here)

Then there comes Lincoln and I think that’s the moment that kind of glues Bellamy and Clarke as leaders which is concluded in 1x08 when they bring the guns back home and it’s quite clear and established who is in charge of those kids. 

That is where they take their first big decision together (yes, I scartch Murphy because while he was a hard choice, he was one of them, he made mistakes, a kid died because of him and banishing him was the only thing they could figure out at the moment but Lincoln is an outsider, a grounder, the enemy. And this is their first time trying to decide how to deal with that.) You could see how new in it all they were, how uncertain-they argue and they do not want to do any of that. They are both mentally torn-you could tell so by the looks in their eyes but they’re also fighting with the new reality-the one where the world is cruel and those people out there already killed 10 of their friends and what is there to do?

What is the RIGHT thing?

And all of that was solidified in the last conversation they have in 1x07 where Bellamy picks her hand holding the screw he put in Lincoln’s hand and he says “Who we are and who we need to be to survive are very different things.” I believe this is the first time he’s being honest with her, basically screaming ‘I am not this person, I am not a killer, I’m not a torturer but I have to be this now. For my sister. For us. Do you understand?” but she’s lost herself and doesn’t know what to respond so he adds, shyly, almost as if he didn’t want to give himself away “It’s not easy being in charge, is it?” because he already HAS been in charge but now she truly IS too. Finally, in that moment.

#bellarke #bellarkeedit #the100edit #bellamyblakeedit #meta #the100 meta #idk why im writing this #it's been on my mind for two days so i had to let it out sorry

[atikal]

Azul has been rotting my brain so here are some headcanons I have when it comes to his appearance

TW for talks of eating disorders

Azul, being obsessed with maintaining a very particular weight range, especially since getting a human form.

The twins one time kinda teased him about gaining weight and Azul went straight to crises mode. Counting calories, diets, constantly weighing himself. After that the twins made a silent agreement that they could tease/make fun of anything and everything about Azul, accept his weight.

They’re still free to comment how cute and chubby he was as a child (behind closed doors), but anything about his current appearance is off limits. Does Azul hate it when they bring up the topic of him as a child? Yes, but he mainly just gets annoyed and tells them to shut up.

(as much as the twins love to tease and torture him, they do love and respect him and don’t want to see him suffer)(not that they would ever say any of this)

Azul did mention that they were under a NDA from telling people about his past self, but I imagine it was a normal contract, not one of Azul’s special ones.

(I really can’t imagine Azul trying to get them into one of his special contracts with him unless him having their powers had a time limit. It’s not like he can’t ask them to use them on whoever he chooses. It truly would have to be a mutual beneficial thing for both parties for them to have a contract. Also, the twins aren’t stupid enough to sign one of Azul’s contracts and Azul isn’t stupid enough to think they would)

Wears makeup to hide and blemishes on his skin. Often can be found to have eye bags after especially exhausting weeks, but covers them up so they don’t show. That time when he analyzing 100 years worth of test questions at NRC to write all those study guides? You bet your ass he had the deepest eye bags after pulling multiple all nighters.

Also it made him break out which just added to his stress. 

With how much he obsesses about his appearance and the amount of time he spends looking at himself in the mirror, you could mistake him as a narcissist.

#twisted wonderland #azul ashengrotto #headcanons

[alyjojo]

The Person On Your Mind in December 🧑🏿‍🎄 2023 - Aries

Whole of their energy towards Aries: The Lovers

Feelings: Ace of Swords

Intentions: Queen of Swords, King of Pentacles & 6 Swords

Actions: The Sun rev & Knight of Wands rev

This is someone you probably dated, and there were always other options around them, it was never official, or this is a couple of people you know that are drama - they could be a couple. The Lovers shows either you feel a very deep & intense connection with whoever this is, or these are friends/family/etc that are together, maybe going through some conflict and you’re on the outside, patting them on the back and supporting them but otherwise uninvolved.

They don’t look highly on you at all, they see you as an emotional manipulator and it’s a heavy burden, they intend to move on with someone else - or just be honest about leaving this behind, maybe for work/career interests, you could be someone that guilt trips them and they aren’t having any of that. Their feelings are cut & dry, they said what they said. There’s a nasty conflict here, delusional thinking/feelings, and they’re putting an end to it, they feel they’ve been completely honest with you about it and will continue to be. This could be someone that’s turned you down and you kept trying, they’re irritated about it, that’s not for everyone. Or that could be someone else towards them and they’re defending themselves to you. Knight & King of Cups are both here rev, that’s over emotional, romanticizing & delulu thinking from some person they’re like “enough is enough” and cut it off - you or someone else, I’m not sure.

In action, they’re not taking any action, they meant whatever they said, but they don’t trust this situation that comes and goes in and out of their life, it’s sucked the life from them in their mind. Or they know you feel this way. They will bring Justice to this situation and the past, and start over. Whether that’s with you or someone else, maybe somewhere else…moving could be part of it. Messages indicate you’re not that interested. It will all even out 💯

Messages:

Their side:

- Marriage Material 💍

- Mama’s Boy / Daddy’s Girl

Your side:

- Bookworm

- I waited too long as it is.

Possible signs:

Leo, Aquarius, Sagittarius, Libra & Scorpio

If you’re dealing with: 8 Pentacles & Page of Pentacles rev show things not going according to plan, these could be coworkers or people you’ve had plans with, some have just been wrong and haven’t put it any effort towards you, some sides haven’t apologized for things, or you haven’t, because they’re not sorry. You seem to be weighing the equal effort of those you’re giving your own effort to.

Aries - loves you deeply & regrets putting you in a difficult situation, possibly with lovers/options, you won’t forgive them and they feel it’s unfair

Taurus - committed to a fkboy/girl, arrogant, bossy, etc., you?, clarification shows the matching Queen, also rev, they may be committed to you but they’re also extremely pissed off at you, or that’s switched. They can match the worst of you, if it’s you.

Gemini - has been honest & said everything that needs to be said, they’ve healed from anything that’s been going on in their life or with you

Cancer - something is falling apart that they’ve held on tightly to, could be a perspective

Leo - returning to a happy family dynamic

Virgo - has feelings for you and wants to tell you but doesn’t want to make a mistake

Libra - cutting through options and confusion, with clarity & communication, ask and ye shall find out the truth about whatever you want

Scorpio - comes in hot heavy, for a bit, mostly because they just don’t want to be alone

Sagittarius - abusing their power at work/home, could be a bit of an aggressive tyrant

Capricorn - absolutely devastated & heartbroken, feels like they’ve been betrayed

Aquarius - wants a passionate new beginning with you but isn’t gonna fight for it

Pisces - passionately chasing some dream of theirs - away from the things that are drama

#aries #person on your mind #December 2023 #astrology #tarot #tarotblr

[russilton]

I'd like to know how you react to any controversial/misleading words or actions of your favorite drivers.

Do you let them be a grown person and not taking any responsibility in defending them or you completely diminish them from your favorite list? (Both are valid anyway)

It depends on what and how they respond, but I try to genuinely hold them to account. I will always weigh their background and if they are new or old comments, how that person has potentially grown or if they made an effort to grow.

Tldr: I have reasonable expectations, hold them to account, and don’t defend them but instead push for learning, they’re grown ass millionaires, they don’t need defending.

When I first became a big Lewis fan, and started drawing him on a separate blog, the first thing someone sent me was the comments Lewis made about his nephew wanting to wear a dress. I was devastated that Lewis might be transphobic, and spent time searching and learning about the situation.

His genuine desire to learn, and listen, is why I stand so vehemently by him today. But he’s also a grown fuckin millionaire and when he fucks up, I don’t defend him. When his comments about Africa happened back in September or so, I remember actively reblogging posts that explained why what he said was wrong. It came from a colonialist British mindset, and I am disappointed that he never walked them back. But that kind of thing falls into “human fuckups” not “actively incorrect mindset”. I don’t burn things down for one mistake, but I don’t try to avoid or forget them.

On the flip side I used to be a big Danny Ric fan. I enjoyed how he made people laugh. But when he said he didn’t like letting talk of politics ruin his vibe, I started to push him down my likes list. His recent comments on that podcast and return to redbull make me think actively negative of him. When it comes to drivers like that who aren’t learning, and aren’t showing growth, I don’t like to support them with my attention or my wallet.

When I’m informed about things that might be problematic, I try to do what everyone should, look it up and be aware of it. But also be realistic and have realistic expectations. These are men in massive positions of privilege and blindness. They are going to hang out with questionable people. They are going to fuck up. All we can do is push them to learn, and also reward them when they show growth. Set reasonable expectations and have reasonable boundaries.

It’s also not always a conscious choice. I used to be a Lando fan, because he was British. Then his comments got more cocky and I found George more endearing. Then he started writing for the telegraph and I wanted nothing to do with him. Now I actively dislike him and only focus on him in his relation to other drivers. With some drivers, the dislike is sudden, and with others it’s a slow creep of bad vibes.

My opinion as a sole hobbyist F1 blog means very little and in that same vein, I don’t like to spend time on drivers who I don’t think have earned it. I don’t have this big ranking of “who’s better than who”, but I focus on the guys who I think are trying their best, and ignore the ones who aren’t. There’s a reason most of my posts are about Lewis, George, Seb, VB, Zhou and few others.

I’d also like to say that as an rpf blog, what I put in fiction may not reflect my views on the actual driver, the same way my driver meta and fanfic are different worlds. Because the gay porn fic I write isn’t always an appropriate time for those conversations.

#asks #anonymous #wank/rants #tw: racism #tw: homophobia

[vodkacranberrywitch]

Zendaya Reading 1/3

"Tell me about Zendaya's personality"

At first glance/ acquaintance: Zendaya presents as someone who is fair and honest. She has a very elegant appearance and people see her as someone who is good and kind. She is professional and respectful.

Deeper view:

She has a lot of opportunities in life. She very blessed overall. However, with these opportunities come a lot of choices. I see that she can struggle to make decisions pertaining her career. She is very career orientated right now.

I see that she has a lot of stress due to her career. She spends a lot of time weighing opportunities and this causes her stress. She spends too much time thinking about her choices and she misses out on opportunities because of this. I pulled another card to expand on this and got the 4 of wands. When she is stressed, she withdraws, stops communicating with her community, and shuts down. She may feel like she is crumbling under the stress of her career.

Zendaya might be into religion or spirituality. The fact this came out in her personality reading tells me she considers herself religious and may participate in religious practices.

She gets a lot of attention and inspires those around her. She may get a lot of roles because people see that she is a good role model and she dedicates herself to producing quality work. Although she has stress, she is able to push through to complete the job. She will make sure you don’t know she is stressing.

Zendaya has a tendency to take on too many projects and she crumbles under the pressure. When she fails to hold everything together, she has a tendency to blame others rather than acknowledge she too on too much. This makes it hard for her to learn from her mistake and she will repeat this.

She is overwhelmed in life. She has learned to set boundaries to “protect her peace”, however, she may put up too many boundaries and miss opportunities and ruin relationships. We will expand on this in her friends reading.

I feel that she is depressed right now and has considered quitting her career. She finds working stressful. She is not getting offered roles that she is confident in. She is picking roles for financial reasons.

Although she is dealing with this, she is determined to achieve something in her career. I asked what she hoped to achieve and got 2 of cups reversed and 4 of swords reversed. I interpret this as she hopes that she will be passionate about acting again. I also got that she wants to be seen as more independent. This was interesting to me because I’ve always seen her as independent, however, in her mind, she thinks her fame has come from her relationships rather than her work.

I asked what have Zendaya’s past relationships been like. I for 8 of cups reversed, ace of wands, and king of pentacles for the foundation. Zendaya’s past relationships have been exclusively for the media. She is very creative and might have seen another couple get popularity from dating and she wanted to try this out. I see she strategized on how to do this properly and it was a project she was excited about, however, it didn’t produce the results she wanted or they didn’t meet her expectations. She now wants to rely on herself for financial stability and recognition.

This whole reading was just telling me how much stress she has so this is a big part of her life right now and she might have a very anxious personality in general. Overall, she is very career oriented.

Thank you for reading! Let me know if you have any questions.

cards: Justice, 7 of cups, the Star, 10 of cups reversed, 7 of cups reversed, the chariot

#celeb tarot #tarot reading #zendaya

[mintychristianwitch]

Anger at the Church

I tend to write these as a stream of consciousness so you’ll forgive me if I don’t cite sources. I am still feeling a lot of anger at my former church and I want to put that to rest but I am still struggling with how to do that. 

Often, those of us who are socialized as women are conditioned to avoid expressing anger because it is not a nurturing, comforting, “feminine” trait. Instead it often manifests as confused sadness, depression, or self-hatred. I am still relatively new at expressing my anger and often wish to march into the churches that I know are spiritually abusive and braid myself a whip because WWJD am I right? I do know that this would get me arrested but because I was socialized to avoid anger and avoid rocking the boat I have a very hard time releasing my rage in a healthy way. If my emotions start to get too bottled up my anxiety can worsen severely. I am going to attempt to write more here and see if it functions as a good outlet.

I have also started releasing my anger in other ways. The other day when I learned of the Nashville shooting I sent a letter to my district representative and felt a lot of catharsis telling someone in power where they can stick it if I don’t see improvements. That’s something I could never do at my former church. I don’t have a lot of respect for Republicans but he was the only one who bothered to write me back even if it was kind of a stock response.

I have also started leaving comments whenever someone in my family posts misinformation or says something stupid on facebook and I think that it is not only hilarious but necessary. I have spent my life afraid to rock the boat for the sake of others even though my personal beliefs are very intense. Men don’t stop being sexist if women don’t tell them to shut up. Transphobes can speak as loud as they want if the people with common decency don’t speak louder. Racists can take over twitter if there aren’t enough catgirls to drown them out. Churches don’t stop using their idea of God to hurt people if certain former members don’t say something.

I am still weighing how I want to speak out. Something tells me a tumblr blog with four followers won’t get a lot of traction (but really though? four people saw my post? that is so cool!). My therapist has given me the contact information of a woman who was in an actual church cult and she wrote a whole book about that. I have been afraid to reach out because it will bring my feelings of hurt and betrayal to the surface again and I hate feeling the pain of loosing a dozen grandmothers, many siblings, uncles, aunts, cousins, all of the people who said we were a family in Christ. I hate the feeling of having to reevaluate my entire belief system and parse out what is actually good and right versus what is church garbage that only the weird Protestant sects believe. There’s no starting fresh when you still love God and grew up steeped in the Bible like a sachet of black tea left by mistake. Oversteeped, bitter, and cold. Perhaps it is time to brew a new cup of tea.

Pt 2, Uncertainty

In order to try new things I began studying tarot and Christian mysticism. My old church would tell me the reason that tarot cards feel right and good in my hands is just the Devil trying to tempt me. I wonder what they would say if I said I don’t believe in the Devil the way they do. 

I am enjoying my studies in mysticism and spiritualism because the way of experiencing the divine is so completely different from what I know. In many evangelical protestant churches an extensive knowledge of the Bible is encouraged because it is supposed to provide the answers we need to live, and the answers we need to give to other people about how they should live. Mysticism seems to be the exact opposite. Mysticism seems to venerate the divine unknown. There is a belief that if we were to experience God fully in this life, if we were to completely know what the divine wanted and what the divine truly was, that we would begin a sort of un-life because we are separated from the absolute glory of what we now know to be true. I think there is a lot of comfort in this belief even though it still scares me. Evangelical protestants have a very rigid belief system, prefer simple answers, and believe that the end of days will solve all of our problems so it better come quick. Try growing up and having a zest for life with that message blaring from the speakers. 

Not knowing is something I am still getting used to. In my former life I “knew” tarot was “bad” and I “knew” that witches were “evil” and I “knew” that Catholics were “idol-worshippers and not real Christians.” Now I don’t know anything besides my anger, grief, and fearful curiosity. I don’t think people often think of me as someone who is a afraid of things because I am generally loud and friendly, but I am afraid of many things. Death, upsetting my family, heights, new people, teenagers walking in a group, war, water, finding water chestnuts in my Chinese food, ghosts. Most of all I fear uncertainty, which is why my faith used to be a balm.

My new faith scares me because I have no rulebooks or teachers. I have to hide my tarot decks from my mother and I have to question if a practice I learn about is cultural appropriation. I have to be patient and take my time. I watch youtube videos about other witches and I read so many books. I pray and sometimes it feels better than it used to but I still don’t know what its supposed to feel like. I get angry when I see members of my former church in public and I have to question how to deal with my rage when I have no outlet and I don’t want to be baneful. I hope to find others like me, others who are trying new things, others who want to experience both the world and the divine and find beauty in both. I hope there are others who are angry, and I hope they can help me figure out what to do with my rage. Most of all, I hope that I can one day find peace in my heart again.

If anyone has any good advice for me about anything from tarot to anger management, please write me a comment or DM me :)

And if you want to tell me that I am a sinful whore who dances naked in the moonlight with the Devil, then sure, I am, what are you going to do about it? Pray? Good luck.

#Christianity #christian witch #witchcraft #witch #tarot #ex fundamentalist #ex evangelical #mysticism

[bookwyrminspiration]

I feel like you’d give good advice so here goes nothing

there’s this girl I’ve known since kindergarten. We were super close our whole life, we’ve always gone to the same schools. In elementary and middle we were best friends but she grew up super religious (and she’s scared of her parents punishing her they’re really strict) and around eighth grade she started saying things I disagreed with, so freshman year I grew apart. This is the first year since then we have the same classes, and I was planning on being polite but not close friends, but it seems she’s trying hard to change? Like she’ll say something and then catch herself with a “they’re just living their life sorry, idk why I said that”. We’re also in a few of the same clubs so this past year we have grown back together but idk how to feel about it, she still has a lot to go, and I don’t know how she’ll react if she find out about my bisexuality. I really do care about her but idk if I should kind of let it go. She really has made a huge change in terms of acceptance.

I can only share my thoughts and how I would approach a situation like this; no advice I give is official, so please take and leave what you want at your leisure. I will do my best, though.

The first things I'd say are that there's no one right course of action, and there's no right way to feel about it all. All you can do is weigh the variety of reasonable options for you and pick what works best according to what you're comfortable with and suits your needs/wants. And not knowing how to feel about it is okay and perfectly understandable. You're not alone in trying to figure out what to think and feel about people you care about who hold/have held hurtful beliefs.

I would say that if you want to hold onto this relationship, and you feel comfortable enough to give this person the attention, time, and work it may take, then do so. People can and do change, and past actions aren't permanent indicators of their present. She may have further to go, but it sounds like she may be on the way to going that distance. Your presence and input may even help and encourage her on that path--but do not mistake this as an obligation. Exposure and direct learning can be an invaluable tool for those correcting themselves, but it is no way a responsibility you must bear. Only take it on if you want to and are up for it, and there's no shame in backing out.

There is also no shame in acknowledging that you're hesitant and uncomfortable about this relationship. Even as and once people improve, they are not owed space in other people's lives who they've hurt. If whatever she's said in the past is significantly important for you that you decide you don't want to continue, that's okay.

I think perhaps in thinking this over (because I can't tell you what to do), you could ask yourself: do I want to be her friend still, is that safe and possible, what would that require from me, and how much of all this thought do I want her to know? I personally think as much forthcoming honesty with the other party as possible is usually ideal, but I know it's not always possible. But be as clear with her as you can be, I would say.

There are, of course, questions beyond that you can consider, but they're a few to get you started. What do you want, how can that be achieved (if it can be), etc. Hopefully that will help make your path forward and what you should do for your ideal outcome clearer. I don't know how much help this all is, but I hope some of it is of use, and my asks are always open if you'd ever like to talk further :)

#quil's queries #nonsie #long post #congrats on the bisexuaIity as well :) #i used to call myself bi. i am not. but like. very cool label #queer high five across the internet! #i hope you can figure out what you want to do and what works best for you #i am wishing you very much well

[anouri]

⭐️ !!

(directors cut ask game!!)

okay, so for this i want to talk about james & guilt in l'éphémère.

spoilers & tw: discussions of abuse (childhood & domestic)

i feel as though a lot of people (less so in jegulus-centred fics, more so when thinking of him as a side character or more broadly) tend to characterize james as a very happy-go-lucky, well-adjusted dude; which, this is a fair way to characterize him, i think, because well-adjusted, generally happy people do (apparently) exist in the world. especially with how supportive we've characterized james' family to be, it's certainly plausible that he's doing pretty alright.

but, here's the thing that i always get stuck on when pondering james' characterization: i think people sometimes forget that having friends who are going through a lot can weigh you down, and even be traumatizing for you too. think about it this way; in l'éphémère, it's explicitly stated that james consistently witnessed the aftermath of sirius being abused by his family, before ultimately he ended up being disowned/run away after being severely attacked. he's always witnessing this, whilst he himself is lucky enough to have a caring family that wouldn't even think of doing the unspeakable to him--and, well, that isn't fair! why should he get to have that whilst sirius doesn't? what has james done to deserve something good? in his mind, he hasn't. he's nothing special, and yet he somehow has grown up with all this good whilst witnessing his closest friends suffering or lacking the privilege that he has. continually experiencing this has caused him to form some sort of guilt complex: he could have helped sirius earlier, he doesn't deserve all the good in his life, his life is so perfect that he doesn't have the right to ever be sad, if he has a bad day he's being ungrateful for what he has, his friends have it worse than him he's just being terrible, etc... it's a downward spiral of self-blame and loathing perpetuated by the fact that he's a human being with emotions and that life simply isn't fair.

alright, so the bud of contrition is already present in james' mind, probably from adolescence onward. but what causes it to truly sprout in l'éphémère? well, it's his past horrific relationship with avery in which he is a victim of abuse. it's well documented that those who fall victim to abuse can begin to blame themselves for the abuse rather than blame the abuser, and unfortunately i think that this characterization of james is predisposed to this tendency. his propensity to feel guilty for any transgression (or anything he sees as a transgression that really really isn't) allows him to easily turn the blame to himself or to minimize what he's going through. and, after he's out of the abusive relationship, he refuses to tell his parents or any of his friends (other than sirius, and by association remus- since he lives with sirius) about what's happened, because he'd feel guilty for worrying them 'needlessly'. a lot of this can be seen in this exchange between him & sirius:

“I’ve not told [Effie and Monty] because…” [...] “I don’t want them to know that I’ve let something like this happen to me. That I’ve done this to myself.”

“What?” Sirius said immediately, his voice going up two octaves in what might be a baroque mess of anger, concern, shock, and worry. “Don’t you dare say you’ve done this to yourself, you hear me?”

“Well, I have, haven’t I?” James asked with what he had hoped was a laugh, but was really a sob. “I could have left, so long ago. The first time he’d done this, the second time, the third… But I thought if I’d give him a chance–”

“You choose to see the good in people,” Sirius interjected, unable to allow this stream of thought to continue, “That’s not the same thing as doing harm unto yourself [...]"

and also here:

It was rather easy to convince himself of that, because, initially, the insults were doled out only after James had made some sort of mistake. (Really, they were always minor transgressions that most people wouldn’t even seek an apology for, slipups and blunders that most people wouldn’t even remember the next day—but to Avery, they weren’t that, and if he had unintentionally hurt someone he was fond of and cared for, who was he to decide what transgressions were to be deemed minor or not?)

and then, if that isn't tragic enough, james toils with the fact that his own guilt and trauma seem to be affecting people he cares for. at this point, he feels guilty about feeling guilty--it's a mess. often, he feels particularly contrite when he pulls away from remus & sirius so as to not worry them with his sullen mood, but this causes them to only think the worst has happened, and then he feels guilty for inadvertently causing them to worry anyway. he feels as though he's going about hurting everyone he loves, even though he really isn't, and feels so fucking guilty about it because he's supposed to be the happy one, bc he had a great, picturesque childhood and has amazing friends--and why is he still bringing people down? he's sunny james potter, and yet he can't even seem to find the sun in himself anymore... this thought process culminates here, when he confides in sirius after he flinches away from reg on accident:

"Has [Avery] tarnished me forever?” His voice begins to shake, but he continues nevertheless, unable to stop the words from being pulled out of his tightening chest, the fragile thoughts falling from his mouth and shattering helplessly on the table between them, cracking open to expose every pebble of worry that has occupied his mind in the past twenty-four hours. “Am I nothing but rotten because of him now? Contagious? Spreading his toxicity onto everyone I touch—unsuspecting people, all because of him? And then at a certain point—what if I keep doing this? Then it’ll eventually be my fault, right? I can’t use him as an excuse for accidentally hurting people forever, there has to be an expiration date to all of this—so, I’ll be the one to blame, if not this time then some other time in the future.”

and god, i haven't even mentioned the fact that l'éphémère literally starts with james accidentally injuring regulus. lord knows that only adds to the load of self-reproach that's already weighing him down.

in an attempt to cut myself off because i could really bang on about this for the rest of my life, i'll leave you with this excerpt from chapter 32 that more or less summarizes the main points of james' thought processes when it comes to guilt and his role in the events that transpire in l'éphémère:

Really, he’s the common denominator among a multitude of things that have gone wrong in the past few months.

After all, he could start with the obvious: the injury.

But it’s more than that, isn’t it?

It’s the seed he had planted in Regulus’ mind that James didn’t trust him—or perhaps that he even feared him. A seed he had planted by flinching away from him when Regulus had only been doing something innocuous, something playful. [...]

And it’s also the concern he caused his friends, worrying Remus and Sirius due to his sudden, dismissive radio silence—all because he couldn’t handle the consequences of his own actions. [...]

It’s the rapid dismissal of Lily’s observation all those weeks ago. [...] Could he have single-handedly prevented the whiplash that all of them had suffered through hours ago?

It’s also the way he never truly bothered to ask either one of them about their brothers, not really. The lack of inquiry is caused by an odd sort of paradoxical selfish selflessness that he’s always operated under—although it has definitely been exacerbated in the past year—the manner by which he refuses to poke and prod at sensitive topics that likely should be discussed, both in an attempt to be considerate and because he fears potential repercussions that might be directed at him if he probes too much.

Quite suddenly, he realises that the further he goes back in time, the more instances he can find in which he’s made a mistake that inevitably led him to this very moment in time.

#wow this is so long and i literally had to force myself to hush #ask game #anouri answers asks #fic: l’éphémère (the ephemeral) #marauders #a decomposing dump of my thoughts

[insanelydeadlybookcollector]

hiii. i know you enjoy discussion so i thought id weigh in on your answer about if chandler is bi. i agree with you that any evidence for this is taken out of context, or taken literally when it’s probably meant by the writers to be a joke. but i really (and of course respectfully) disagree with you about him (or ross for that matter- im not sure about joey) being comfortable in their masculinity. i think these days the gay-panic/effeminate-panic is generally considered one of the most dated elements of friends. why do you think otherwise? :) x

Awesome to hear from you!

I don’t think there is necessarily panic when it comes to these boys. Perhaps, because I am not gay and haven’t experienced that sort of discrimination myself, but I don’t read the boys as homophobic or panicked about their sexuality in any way, particularly Chandler. 

I also think context is critical to analysis. Remember this show was made in the nineties, the early nineties at that. A lot of what is going on is actually quite progressive in terms of gender tropes and the way these characters communicate and conduct themselves.

In the first season, Chandler is told that people often mistake him as gay. He does not take offence to this. He wonders why, yes, but he doesn’t treat it as a necessarily bad thing. He accepts that people think of him this way, even leaning into it at the end. 

This is a man who has had experience, from working summers with his dad, in a burlesque show, whose mother writes about men who are hypermasculine. He is going to have a difficult time finding a space for himself that is a balance of gendered stereotypes - being sensitive, into pop music, and enjoying domesticity, versus being athletic and incisive. 

But because of those experiences with all fields of sexuality and gendered expression, it is much easier for him as well. He has seen that a love of musicals makes him no less of a man. That, according to his mother’s books, hypermasculinity isn’t necessarily a great thing either. He sees that men can be sensitive and kind and still a paragon of masculinity. 

And I definitely think Chandler Bing finds that space. Much earlier than I think we realise. 

Yes, there are still moments, under the influence of the social world around him, which of course favours hypermasculinity and suggests men cannot be sensitive and caring, partaking in historically feminine endeavours like flower arranging, makeup, shopping, fancy baths and cooking.  But those moments are few and far between with Chandler as we are more often likely to see him/or allude to him enjoying musicals, going shopping, and plucking eyebrows. Moreover, the moments when Chandler does subscribe to the stereotypical masculine ideal are typically used in an exaggerated manner that both suggest the abnormality of his behaviour as it is often juxtaposed with a scene depicting him partaking in a similar activity, and foreground that maybe this is the wrong mindset for a man to have. (I’m thinking particularly of the scene where Chandler and Joey support each other, get called out for it, and suggest “to spit” is appropriate masculine behaviour. This simultaneously highlights the social environment (not of the show but of the world at that stage) didn’t see men being supportive of each other as a masculine behaviour, but the delivery also suggests that Chandler doesn’t know what is expected of him either, where “spit” becomes what he thinks is masculine, a social pressure he is buying into momentarily) but also something he has never done before, and something he’s not sure he wants to do either. More often than not, when he displays “gay panic” it is prompted by the social world around him (Monica calling him a girl for enjoying the bath, for example). 

Ross I pay less attention to, unfortunately. I’ve been doing a Mondler rewatch, so I think I have a better grasp on those two characters than the others. But I think he’s very much the same. 

Unfortunately, he grew up with Jack Geller telling him his interests “weren’t manly” but he pursued them anyway. Like Chandler, he has carved out his own understanding of what masculinity means and for him, it is loyalty and intelligence and sometimes aggression. But we also see him as unafraid of social pressures. He’s far more concerned about his reputation than Chandler or Joey, but he still works on fixing his appearance, his fashion, and his family (all historically feminine-coded traits). He is quite comfortable expressing himself, whether it’s typical “masculine” behaviour or not. 

In fact, of all of them, the least comfortable in his masculinity could arguably be Joey, what with the hypermasculinity that is sometimes demonstrated by him. Then again, he too is comfortable hugging his best friend, playing into gay stereotypes, and acting feminine. That is, until the world reminds him he is “not meant” to act this way. 

If anything (and I know I am going to be alienated for saying this) but it’s the girls who are pushing any gay-panic on the show. i.e. Rachel and Monica making Chandler feel self-conscious about liking musicals. Monica “worried” about what Brad Pitt was doing while locked in Ross’ room. Phoebe’s comments about Joey and Chandler being “girls” and “should try on a dress” when they’re supporting each other, is by far the most problematic line in the show, in my opinion. 

I hope this gives you a little insight into how I percieve the characters and I look forward to hearing what you think.

[quintential]

The Things That Weigh Me Down.

I like strong words. Powerful, dramatic words. My current favorite is “haunt”. Everything seems to haunt me. Memories, mostly. I use “haunt” and not “hound”- even though I do quite like that one- because I am not running. I am an old, haunted house. Falling down in disrepair, no longer beautiful and mystical like some old houses tend to be, but disgusting, putrid, rank. Cold. As if the next strong breeze would knock it over, and there are several dead things inside. It’s a place of disease. All know to avoid it, the bugs, the rodents, the humans. It’s awfully quiet inside. It makes your heart pound wildly in fear and your chest grow tight, because you’ve been holding your breath without quite realizing it. 

No, this is no place for the living. But the dead- oh, they like this place. They fade in and out of the walls at will, never straying too far. They whisp this way and that, most active on cold, moonless nights. And they get angry. Oh, they are mad, spitting, furious, venom filled beings of hatred. You see, Ghosts are not supposed to exist, in a perfect world. All the dead that have made peace move on, to far away places we cannot see, or hear. Yes, they are far gone, maybe in Heaven, who knows. But these ghosts, in my house, do not leave. They must make their rage known. At random, they go still. Very still. This is when I sense them, in me. They know when I see them. And then they slash around my house. I can feel their anger, it makes them solid, they tear about, tearing wallpaper, breaking glasses, splintering my banisters or floorboards, banging my pots and pans so ever loudly. All I can do is watch as they ruin me, again and again and again.

I suppose its not fair to be biased here. These ghosts are here for a reason. They are the souls of those I’ve wronged. I don’t know what to do with them. I cannot fix them. If I try and talk to them, it is selfish because saying I’m sorry is not enough, and it doesn’t come from a place of goodness- it comes from being selfish, and not wanting these ghosts weighing down my ego, my baseboards, my walls. And yet, they debiitate me.

So for my own good, I will talk to my own ghosts here.

Clara, I’m so sorry. You were so good, and nice, and right. It was my own flaut I was so awful to you. You were too close to me, all the time, and I didn’t know how to ask for space. We were both desperate, and new, and unsure of ourselves in all too similar ways. The difference was, I was better at faking it, and you weren’t cruel. I lashed out and did hateful things, and humiliated you and hurt you. I have to take full responsibility, Clara. And I know that I sealed my fate when I went and abandoned you, when I could have stayed if not for being weak, and afraid, and taking the easy way out. I could make a million excuses, but the truth is, I left because I was scared. I was scared of making mistakes and not having anyone I could count on, because I’m like that I think people are my enemies even when they’re not, and I don’t trust anyone, really, and the people I do let myself love I always think they’re going to die and leave me or just plain leave me or not like me enough. I’ve turned this into something about me, haven’t I. Oh well, I suppose it is. Well, I’m also sorry for being lazy and leaving you with my messes to clean up and for not being a good ebough friend and even though I resented you, being lonely enough to try and string you along for a friendship of texting and calling because I needed someone, not because I liked you. It’s for the best you stopped responding. I hope you’re doing well, Clara, I really do. Find good people who care about you, there’s so much good inside of you.

E- I’m not really sorry, because I don’t like you as a person. I’m just sorry I got caught on the wrong side of things, and I’m so mad that I prove to myself again and again that I can’t stand up to things I believe are wrong if I am confronted with them. I should have told him off, he was wrong and hurtful and so, so, offensive, and I hate myself for that. I think I hate myself more for being friends with him and that group for so long, even though I didn’t like any of them and I just wanted to be included. I hate myself even more for texting you drunk that I was sorry. And more so for reading your response, and blocking you because it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. And even more so, if possible, that I saw you at that restaurant and you saw me and I hate the way you made me feel about myself.

V- I wanted you to like me, so, so, badly and I don’t know why. Well, maybe I do- you were so sure of yourself and intimidating and you knew the right way, and I went to your dorm for that “kickback” alone even though it was Clara you invited, and drank a lot and made a fool out of myself, and everyone thought I said a slur even though I didn’t, it was just such a terrible awful coincedence that what I said sounded so much like one- And then I texted you, apologizing, and you never responded- Actually, this is just really an embarassing regret I have. I just hate the way you made me feel about myself. Wow, this really is a common theme, huh?

Maile- I think I’m the sorriest of all here, we have the messiest and longest history of everyone I’m sorry about. I’m sorry we had that fight. It was my fault, after all. You were just trying to set boundaries. And I got hurt. And then I got more hurt, when I said you were my best friend but you told me I wasn’t yours. And I lashed out. And tried to hurt you, and you’re sensetive just like me and I should have been more careful, and I really really hurt you and what I said was awful. You are not a burden, you are not your problems, andd I hate how we were never the same, after that. Furthermore,  I’m sorry for how manipulative I was- am. You have trouble texting back in general, nothing to do with me, and I really tried my hardest to make you guilty enough to respond. Our whole friendship, I made you hurt just because I was weak and relied on you too much and took too much and I was insecure, and- Well, I’m just sorry, really. It was for the best I told you we shouldn’t talk anymore. It really doesn’t have that much to do with the cocaine thing. Mostly, I knew it was unhealthy. Maybe I could have texted it out better. Regardless, I am sorry. I hope you find your peace. I really don’t mean for this to sound condescending. If anything, this is the most sincere I’ve been in a while.

I have to remind myself not to send these. Because it would hurt more. I need to let these things go. I cannot make them worse.

The worst thing about me is that I can’t blame alcohol on my mistakes, or any drugs. It’s all me. It’s always all me. How do I repent now? (Repent is another favorite).

I wish I could bulldoze my house to the ground.