#but I need to constantly remind myself that the people in my life now aren’t her or the person she cheated on me with | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

promptfairy · 5 months

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❥ 𝐕𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐎𝐔𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐈𝐌𝐀𝐋 𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐐𝐔𝐎𝐓𝐄𝐒 [ 𝚂𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙲𝙴 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚂 ] .

change gendered language & add context to your needs . happy roleplaying !! ♡

“ the best way to make beautiful art is to constantly expose yourself to new & exciting places . ” “ nothing makes me happier than seeing a plant i’ve grown from a seed produce a gorgeous bloom !! ” “ you have this magic ability to make people happy . i hope you’ll show me how you do it someday . ” “ it’s good to live in the moment & not worry too much about the past . ” “ isn’t that nice ?? we’re all just little clumps of stardust , walking around . ” “ i was so innocent back then , before i learned the cruel ways of the world . ” “ all i want to do right now is hop into a warm bed & not get out until the end of winter . ” “ come on , treat me like a pretty princess !! ” “ i’ll love myself by eating my favorite ice cream & wearing baggy clothes . ” “ lots of folks try to take the easy road , but that just means you’ve gotta deal with a lot of traffic . ” “ thanks for being my friend . you’re always there for me , & i think that’s great . ” “ there are some things you just don’t realize about places until you leave them . ” “ it’s like i gave you a little piece of my heart , & you kept it safe & warm . ” “ i don’t feel like i can trust anyone right now , so i need to be alone . ” “ were you being nice or sarcastic ?? ” “ no matter how much time passes , i can’t forget him . ” “ why think about boys when you could be thinking about really important issues ?? ” “ my dream is for everyone to find something they can be passionate about & to fully enjoy each day . ” “ i’m okay with anything , as long as there’s some romance in the story . . . ” “ you’re looking awful as ever . who dresses you ?? ” “ are you some kind of antisocial freak , or something ?? ” “ whenever we talk , i feel like there’s a lot more going on inside you than you ever let anyone see . ” “ you’re so passive - aggressive . get some therapy . ” “ sometimes , all it takes is a good friend to remind you of all the things you like about your life . ” “ if you waste your time doing something you enjoy , then you’re not wasting your time . ” “ i hope you get stung by a thousand bees . ” “ who decided oranges have to be named after their color , but bananas aren’t just called ‘ yellows ’ . . . ?? ” “ doesn’t the sight of petals falling make you feel sad ?? . . . makes me feel kind of sad . life is so fragile . . . ” “ if i pass out here , please make sure i have some lipstick on . ” “ you could give me bellybutton lint & i would still treasure it . ” “ when you laugh , you look dreamy . ” “ i hope you go to jail & that your stupid house is torn down . ” “ you are in need of some serious fashion first - aid . ” “ what sort of sadist would drag me out of bed this early in the morning ?? ” “ i have to drink ten gallons of mint tea every single day . ” “ well , you’re so pretty , it doesn’t matter what atrocious thing you wear . ” “ there are things you want to do & things you have to do . . . but don’t forget to do nothing now & then . ” “ please don’t question my driving or parking skills . you couldn’t even begin to understand the level i’m on . ”

#sentence starters #rp meme #rp prompts #rp starters #sentence meme #roleplay meme #roleplay prompts #roleplay starters

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ariel26c · 11 days

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Hii I don't know how to share all this stuff but so let me start.

So I get to know about this all ' manifestation, subliminals, shifting loa , void state ' like two years ago and after that I was so happy to know that I can change my life and overcome with my insecurities.

So I started to listen subliminals day by day, list out things to manifest, read about other people success stories to motivate myself, affrim my desires before going to bed and immediately after walking up and after this all I didn't get what I wanted then being frustrated over this all I research why I am not able to manifest anything therefore many different sites said 'like maybe I was obsessing or reacting to my 3d and maybe my vibration are low or I wasn't drinking enough water or my mindset was wrong '

So after I thought yeah maybe this could be reason so I took break of like 3 months and started again no matter what happened in my home I kept reminding myself it will be okay and I started ignoring 3d as well , I meditate and even drink alot but still even after this it's all same I don't know what's wrong.

Right now I don't know where to conclude but I will be happy if you read this 💗

Hi my love. I understand your frustration but please don’t give up. You are not the exception. We are all capable of manifesting our dreams and our desires.

There is a lot of different information about manifestation that exists out there so it’s understandable to be confused. I personally don’t believe that obsessing over your desires or being in a low vibration is capable of effecting your manifestations. Here’s a few things I want you to keep in mind:

Your feelings aren’t going to negatively impact your manifestations.

Your doubts aren’t going to negatively impact your manifestations.

You make the rules. Some people believe in having to be in a constant state of high vibration but that’s what applies to them and it doesn’t have to apply to you.

Always assume you are doing things correctly. Sometimes constantly researching can cause confusion so you don’t need to do that anymore. Trust me when I say there’s nothing else left for you to research on. You know how to manifest even if you feel like you were doing it all wrong. It’s inevitable for you to get your desires if you persist. You can do no wrong if you persist.

To manifest all you have to do is:

1. Know what you want

2. Decide that you have it

3. Persist

You need to have more faith. The moment you decide that you have your desires is the moment that the change starts to take place. It’s just happening behind the scenes so it may seem like nothings working but in reality you are so powerful that you’re reality is changing just because you decided to create a new story for yourself.You decide if you have something not the 3D, so don’t give your power away to the 3D. You just have to continue persisting it’s that easy and don’t take no for an answer. Be stubborn.

From now onwards I want you do what feels right. Listen to Subliminals if you want to. Meditate if you want to. Affirm as much as you want to. What matters is that you persist.

You also don’t have to ignore the 3D. You can just accept what’s currently happening but that it doesn’t matter because it’s already done. You decided that you have your desire.

Hope this helped and reach out if you need any clarification :) 💗

#affirmations #desired reality #law of the universe #manifestation #law of assumption #manifesting #self concept #reality shifting

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qui-qui-quee · 3 months

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Admittedly a lot of my original posts lately have been particularly negative, I’m aware.

I do wonder if I’m in a period of lamenting when looking back. There’s just too much going on, too many people thinking they’re on the right side of history (or the faith) by the way they talk about ideologies. Too much lack of nuance and assumptions about what worldliness actually looks like. Too much death. Too much destruction. Too many violations of humanity.

And in my case I’m in a weird transition period in my own life as well (and I’m currently battling a cold so there’s that).

But… yeah did Jesus really care about us being theologically right?

He already showed us how to live, how to love, gave an entire sermon on what His kingdom was meant to look like but we often get obsessed with the details. He died on the cross and resurrected.

Yet instead of being secure in all that, we’re constantly angsting over our sin and listening to the Accuser tell us we’re doing things wrong (and for some reason be more concerned over God’s wrath than not??). And we treat the Bible with a modern lens and demand it serve us in ways it just wasn’t meant for. Look at how more focused we often are on Paul’s letters and assume everything he wrote there to the dot is 100% applicable to our time now, compared to the universality of Jesus’ teachings and its challenges to human power and authority.

Anyway I dunno what else to say here. I’m rambling again. I wanna listen to people who aren’t from your typical white male evangelical circles or groups influenced by them. I come from a reformed background, evangelical background and I wanna expand. But it’s hard and lonely. I find myself more intrigued by folks like James Baldwin, a black gay churchgoer, and after finishing books like The Making of Biblical Womanhood, wanna listen to for example, more women in Christian history who you never hear about on ur average Sunday cuz “hur dur wOmEn CaN’t PrEaCh Or bE pAsToRs”.

I should end this ramble now. But yeah, I know it’s okay to be uncertain. I know it’s ok not to have everything together and that God’s got me. God is bigger than all that. Bigger than myself. Bigger than this world. I just need to keep going.

He’s Bigger and He loves me, ya know? Just as He loved everyone to throw Himself into the jaws of death for us and resurrect. If people think that’s a cop-out or an easy way out then they miss the point. Sometimes it’s hardest thing to remember and live out when you’re surrounded by all things depressing and anxiety-inducing.

Something I need to keep reminding myself of that cuz man does living life as a human suck reaaaally bad these days hahaha

#qooky rambles #if anyone here goes -shes like this cuz shes under God’s wrath-#pls stfu pls #get the log out of your own eye #and stop simplifying what that is #youre no better than the religious leaders who walked past the beaten man on the sidewalk

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oddballism · 20 days

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Once again feeling imposter syndrome about my autism (I also have ADHD but I’m specifically talking about the autism) because I don’t have, or at least I can’t tell if I have, the common sensory issues

I’m fine with loud noises

I’m fine with bright lights most of the time. Unless someone has an artificial light turned on when there’s plenty of natural light in the room. That annoys me greatly and I will turn it off immediately

I think I can make eye contact? Or maybe I can’t? I have trouble talking when I’m tired and have a headache, which is common for me just because of my shit sleep habits. It’s like, I have a feeling of what I want to say, but that last step of turning the feelings into words isn’t working. I’ve gone off topic, haven’t I? When I’m tired like that, it’s easier for me to talk if I’m not looking at the person, and I have to be stimming constantly. My visits with my therapist are after school, and I’m kneading that styrofoam pellet pillow she has with my hands the entire time. And sometimes I squeeze my eyes shut to help me talk

I feel pain the way neurotypical people do. If I twisted my ankle as a kid, I cried, the way other kids would. I cut myself? Yep, that’s pain, and I don’t like it. It doesn’t pleasure me

I don’t walk on the sides of my feet. I don’t walk on my toes, either

My parents seem to think I run slightly off from normal, but Ive blame that on me having never truly exercised in my life. (I should be physically healthy, I don’t have any physical disabilities or chronic illnesses/conditions, but my parents didn’t sign me up for sports as a kid and I didn’t exercise much in other ways, so I never started) I feel like I would have good balance, flexibility, coordination, etc. if I only had spent my life exercising like a normal kid instead of never doing any hard physical activity. But I’ve always been very against physical activity, and my parents were very lax when raising me and didn’t want to force me into activities.

And that reminds me, I’m the opposite of flexible. I have shit flexibility. Aren’t autistic people supposed to be prone to hypermobility?

Have I ever had a meltdown? I don’t know. Have a had freak-outs? Tantrums? Oh yes, so, so many. But a meltdown is supposed to be out of your control. When I get them, I do it sort of on purpose because I don’t know how else to express my feelings. Have I ever even had a panic attack? Maybe, but I can’t think of it right now

But one thing I do have is not being empathetic or compassionate at all. I’m a terrible person and I hate myself for it. When somebody says they’re feeling bad, or something bad happened to them, I know I should feel sorry for them, but I feel nothing. It’s a thought, not a feeling. Even for my own friends.

I needed to vent about this. Even though I am absolutely autistic, as my therapist said, I’m always going to feel like an outsider, a someone who doesn’t fit in, because I don’t have the bad traits and experiences. I’m fine with loud noises. Why am I okay with loud noises. Why do I have normal pain and pain reactions. I hate myself

#vent post #personal #vent #tw self hatred #autism #autistic #actually autistic #actually autism #adhd #actually adhd #audhd #actually audhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergence #disability #depression

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fieldofblue · 2 months

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Being in love changes you. It opens you up to a world where you need to face all parts of yourself. The parts you’ve been running from and the parts you didn’t know existed. If you truly allow yourself to love and be vulnerable, it opens up your heart and soul to a connection, to change. It feels raw and emotional and painful at times. But it can also feel exhilarating to finally be emotionally free and honest with another.

To embrace them is to embrace yourself and the parts of you that you may not be fond of. It brings about a softness within you and about you, where you look at them with admiration and fierce protection and loyalty. You yearn to know all the pieces of who they are and what makes them tick. You allow yourself to be seen in the same way, with the risk that they may not desire to know you this same way, but you open up despite this.

The reality is that two people may be in the same relationship and be in two different relationships. You may be learning, softening, opening up and growing and you may project that onto them. But that may not be their experience. They may be slowly dying and losing themselves and growing resentful. They may be counting the days till it’s over.

It can be heart breaking when this happens and you realize you aren’t on the same page and you may question if the love was ever real.

Every relationship and dynamic teaches us something different.

My biggest lessons have been to remain soft, remain strong in my own values, but always be open to something new, something different. Different communication style, different views. Different love languages, fight styles. I feel I’ve been tested countless times, and have not passed them all.

There’s also the challenge of giving yourself more love than you ever have before. Being kind to yourself throughout, as connection with another soul, another human will always be confronting and exhausting. You have to know when to love yourself more than the potential of what they may bring to the table.

I now understand myself more. I now know how important softness from a partner is to me. How the feeling of safety is at the top of my list. Protection and kindness. These are traits that are silent and strong. I’ve learned that vulnerability is a superpower and brings you closer to yourself and to your partner. Communication and words are a must for me, but actions speak the loudest. Physical touch provides a safe space and when someone allows you to take care of them this way, they are letting their walls down and connecting with you. You can’t bring someone’s walls down. You can be patient, provide safety so that they can start the journey. But you can’t do it for them and it doesn’t define who you are or your efforts. On the other hand, your energy is strong and radiates well outside of your body- people are constantly picking up on it. Some are more intuitive and sensitive to this than others, so try to remain honest and open if you want to build with them. They will pick up on all the negative energy and shift their actions accordingly to protect themselves. Most important of all, is the friendship that is formed with your partner. The comfort and laughter and bonding. At the end of it all, they will be your best friend, someone who will continue to change along with you. If you have a solid foundation, you can always fall back on your friendship.

My mom told me that 75% of her success she owes to my dad. They’ve been together for 37 years and have picked each other up, challenged each other and been each other’s comfort.

Are they kind during your lowest moments? Are they strong and stoic when you’re falling apart? Do they celebrate who you are daily? Do they remind you of your strengths and nurture your heart? Life will happen and it won’t be pretty. You’ll need someone who can stand by you through the roughest parts of it. It may not always come naturally, but you’ll know if their energy is in the right place. Are their intentions pure? Do they radiate love? Are they kind to their parents? Are they forgiving and understanding? Do they lift you up instead of putting you down? Regardless of their exterior and face they show the world, are they a gentle soul? Do they allow you to see this side of them? Are they emotionally mature and intelligent?

I’m grateful for the time to process the love, the heartbreak, the loss and learn from it in my own time.

There’s so much more to learn and each time I allow myself to be vulnerable and soft, I feel myself getting stronger. I always want to make sure that I am proud of my actions and reactions, knowing I am acting from love and not fear.

#personal

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floralcyanide · 2 years

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The Extra || Austin Butler x OC

Chapter Thirteen (nsfw)

Pairing: Austin Butler x OC

Warnings: smut (minors dni please!), choking, unprotected sex, that's it really.

Word Count: 1508

>> ahhhhh it's been like 3 weeks since the last update. I've had most of this chapter written but then I added the last bit this morning because I know I need to update. I've been busy with kinktober and have lowkey neglected this story lol but only two more chapters and then the epilogue left! please let me know if you all enjoy this chapter. I know it's short but a lot is going to happen in the last chapters.

Series Masterlist | Main Masterlist | Add yourself to the taglist HERE

Looking back, there were instances when I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming. I never thought acting would bring me so much joy. I thought being an extra was good enough for me and that it made me happy. But I have never known happiness like getting to become someone else and portray someone’s story, whether they’re real or not. Becoming Priscilla Presley has been an honor and a privilege I never thought I’d ever experience. And getting to know Austin on a deeper level because of our roles has changed everything. Simply being in the movie itself has changed everything because now I have a possible career in acting, and I’ve reconnected with the love of my life. I realized that being an extra has caused issues, but it has also caused opportunities I could’ve never dreamed of.

Austin and I are closer than ever now that we work and live together more constantly. It can be challenging to do so- and it very much is- but I wouldn’t change a thing. Even if we get frustrated with each other or sometimes go home and go straight to bed without a word. However, after filming a particularly vigorous performance or an emotionally charged scene, uneventful nights are made up for. We’ve almost gotten caught a few times in one of our dressing rooms and even the unassuming janitor’s closet, but it was worth it every time. Austin is worth anything and everything to me.

The awkwardness with Luke has subsided, thankfully, and I can now look him in the eye when we speak to each other. We’re still the good friends we were before he addressed that he liked me. Dacre and I are still close, and we crack jokes and pull the occasional harmless pranks on our co-stars when possible. Tom and I speak to each other daily at the coffee stand and often complain about how stale the coffee is, but we drink it anyway. Olivia visits the set when she can and gives me pointers on how to position myself in a specific scene. Sometimes she reminds me to relax my shoulders. I’ve even warmed up to Xavier Samuel, who plays Scotty, one of Elvis’ band members from The Blue Moon Boys. He’s a chill guy and reminds me to smile every once in a while. At first, I was a little weirded out by that, but now I know that’s just how he is. He brings a lively vibe to the set and ensures everyone is in a good mood. If you aren’t, Xavier will go out of his way to ensure you are.

I’m so grateful to have met everyone I’ve worked with, from fellow extras like Tyler all the way to legendary Tom Hanks. All the people in Elvis are talented, and I couldn’t have asked for better people to be surrounded by. The scenes I’ve filmed so far have gone very well, and I managed to remember my lines when I needed to. I’m excited to see how everything turns out when the movie finishes. On another note, Austin has been doing better emotionally. I think he spoke with Baz about how he felt about the method acting, and they resolved it. He no longer comes home with puffy eyes and doesn’t ignore me after tough days of filming.

There have been so many times throughout filming where I had realizations. The moment I realized that acting is what I want to do permanently, if possible, was when I was filming the scene where Elvis and Priscilla were in Elvis’ bedroom overseas. The way the lines felt so carefree and easy to articulate and how simple it was to be Priscilla made me come to the conclusion. Even though Baz thought our kiss wasn’t passionate enough every few takes, every time I kissed Austin, I became more and more relaxed in my role. The final take was flawless, and I was so proud of how it came out.

We’re currently filming the last moments of the first Vegas performance and are about to begin another take of the whole sequence. Jerry accidentally misstepped and nearly tripped in the shot, so we had to go again. But if I’m honest, I don’t think this scene will need any retakes, not right now, at least. Austin has been putting every bit of energy he has into this performance, and with it being so high-octane, we can only film it a handful of times today. For the second time, Baz calls for action. I watch in awe as Austin sings I Can’t Help Falling in Love, thrusting out his arms toward the crowd of extras along to the beat of the orchestra. The amount of love and pride I have for him is untouchable. He has peaked in his life and career, and I couldn’t be happier for him. We have so much history, chemistry, and love between us, and I hope that after filming ends, those things don’t end either. Austin tells the audience goodbye and is crouched on the floor of the stage, panting and sweating profusely as he drops the curtain. I wait for him to take a few scripted moments before he walks over to me. I feel I’m almost breaking character when complimenting and expressing how amazing he was. Because in real life, the take we just did was phenomenal. I’ve never seen Austin work so passionately and so hard before. When he grabs my chin and looks me in the eyes lovingly, I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Not because he is incredibly hot while sweaty and high on adrenaline, but because he puts his all into everything he does. Including our relationship, even if it jump started again in a rocky fashion.

At the beginning of filming Elvis, if you had told me I’d be dating my ex again and were going to become a main character instead of an extra, I would’ve laughed in your face. A good, wholehearted, genuine laugh. I was always an extra, nothing more, nothing less. I would never give Austin another chance. But I’ve grown so much since then. I no longer naively believe I don’t need to advance in my career, and I’m no longer lying about my feelings for Austin, both negative and positive. Not only is Austin at the peak of his life, but I’m at the peak of mine. I hope we can share that glowing high together.

And we do, but the high is off the success of the Vegas scene. We share it in a way that we probably shouldn’t while on set, but all caution is thrown to the wind right now as Austin, carefully and as quickly as possible, removes my dress. I silently thank my stylist for being so good at gluing wigs down because this is going to be quick and rough. We’re in Austin’s dressing room, and I’m shoved onto the vanity in nothing but my underwear. Austin manages to peel off his jumpsuit from the shoulders to the waist, allowing him to spring free. He doesn’t give it a second thought before he pulls off my underwear and plunges into me, his fingers pressing into the underside of my thighs for leverage. My arms wrap around Austin’s neck, pulling him as close to me as possible. We don’t tear our eyes away from each other as he thrusts into me quickly. I have to bite my lip to keep quiet so no one outside the room can hear us.

Austin wraps a hand around my throat, and I grip his wrist, trying not to cum just yet. His hips pound into my thighs, and his hand sneaks between us to circle my clit. My eyes roll into the back of my head at the feeling, the dizzying effect of the choking mixing with it. Austin swivels his hips in a particular direction, causing him to hit deeper inside me. I feel him twitch, and he quickens his pace on my clit. Austin finally cums with a low grunt, and the warmth of him spilling into me sends me into overdrive. I take him for all he has as I come down from my high, his hand releasing my throat.

“That was so good,” I breathed out with a laugh, running a hand over my wig to ensure it was still in place.

“You’re so good, babe,” Austin teases with a smile, and I shake my head as I hop off the vanity.

I retrieve my clothing and put it back on as Austin pulls his jumpsuit back onto his body. There’s a knock on the door, and a producer yells to Austin that he’s needed back on set. We share a look before giggling at each other.

“I guess that’s our cue,” Austin says, smoothing out his outfit and ensuring his hairpiece is also in place.

It’s days on set like this that I’m going to miss.

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#austin butler #austin butler smut #austin butler x oc #austin butler x oc smut #austin butler fanficiton #austin butler fanfic #austin butler fic #austin butler imagine #austin butler x reader #austin butler x reader smut #austin butler elvis #austin!elvis #elvis #elvis movie #elvis film #elvis 2022 #elvis (2022)#the extra fanfic #floralcyanide writes

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hoursofreading · 2 months

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A while back, I remember asking someone what their ideal role would be, and their answer took me by surprise. They said they wanted to be in a role where they could be a complete beginner — that ideally, people’s expectations of them would be similar to a new grad’s, and they could ask any and all questions they had, no matter how basic. The more senior in a career you get, the more stories people make up around “I should know this already” or “What will people think if I ask them for help?” The explicit expectation that you don’t know anything at all can be appealing. But we don’t need to go so far in that direction, either. Something I have to constantly remind myself of is that the skills and experiences we pick up (whether through explicit upskilling or just gathered through the living of life and the working of work) serve us in ways we couldn’t even imagine, and sometimes in ways we don’t even know. The 3+ years I spent in leadership development and coaching aren’t time that took away from my career as an engineering leader. Those years enhance my experience, uniquely making me the engineering leader I am now. Back when I was an individual contributor, I was grappling with the evergreen question of should I stay a generalist or specialize in something? Technical breadth or technical depth? It felt like if I chose something to specialize in, I would be choosing something to build the next few decades of my career around, and that felt overwhelming, daunting, impossible. One of the best pieces of advice I received was that even as a generalist, you want to build depth, and that building depth in one area just exercises the muscle of building depth in other areas. Although technical areas of expertise may feel very different, the set of skills you use to build depth in one area help you build depth elsewhere. Like linguists who pick up each subsequent language ever more quickly than the last. Similarly, moving “back” into an IC role doesn’t mean that you’ve taken a decade leap backwards in your career. You are coming to that IC role with all the experiences and knowledge you gained as a manager — your understanding of stakeholder management, of business needs, of how to communicate with managers. Even if you feel a bit rusty with your technical skills, you bring your own unique version of being an IC to your role, that no one else could.

Jean Hsiu

#quote #advice

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skylarmoon71 · 3 months

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Miguel O' Hara - AU Scientist (Across the Spider-Verse) - Chapter 6

“I don’t understand. I need you to explain it to me. Explain everything.”

It’s not like you didn’t expect this from Miguel. There was just so much that you couldn’t control. It felt wrong to bring him into your world.

It’s possible that’s a cover.

The scary part is watching him walk away from you.

Miguel is still standing at a distance. You aren’t sure if it’s out of fear or disappointment.

Your shoulders drop defeatedly.

“It’s not really easy to explain.”

“Try.”

A shaky breath escapes you, and when he sees the golden flicker of light once again return to your eyes, he swallows. You know he’s still trying to fully process the very short encounter with a doppelganger. So introducing your abilities will definitely be a breaking point.

“I was born a mutant. I didn’t manifest my abilities until I lost my uncle ten years ago. That’s when I went into law enforcement. I was trying to do the right thing with my powers. But someone I cared about, Gavin Stacy, died and I..I couldn’t do it anymore. I left that part of my life behind.”

You step closer, and Miguel doesn’t move.

“I’m what they refer to on other earths as Spiderwoman.”

Flipping your wrist, Miguel flinches when a stream of web shoots out. It locks onto a glass nearby and you give it a tug. The second it’s within your grasp, you squeeze and the glass crumbles under your hold like dust.

“I’m stronger, faster than the average human. That’s only half of it.”

There’s no way you can hide this anymore.

“This whole time we’ve been working on the project, you’ve known from the start. But you said nothing.”

“I..I was scared.”

“Why? Why were you scared?”

“Because I’m..an anomaly. I shouldn’t have existed.”

All those years ago you tried to do the right thing. You really did. You served justice both in the office as an agent, and at night. But it changed completely when you lost Gavin and found out about canon events. Just the memory is a bitter reminder.

“I used to have a twin sister. In every universe there’s only supposed to be one. One hero, one spiderman or spider woman. I didn’t believe it at first. But the way she died when we were kids it just felt..wrong. When I found out the truth it was painful. I spent years hating myself for it. When I was finally able to get myself out of that hole I lost my uncle and then one of my best friends. It was like a curse had struck me. That’s when I realized that as a hero, I was destined for pain. Everyone regardless of the universe, all of us with these powers, these abilities, we always lose the people we care most about if we decide to become heroes. So I gave it up. I decided that there were other ways to help my universe without constantly suffering loss. I just..wanted to be happy..”

It was selfish, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go back out there. Not after you’d failed to protect the ones you cared about.

Over and over again.

“I know this is a lot, it might not even make sense. I should have been honest the second that we got involved. If you believe nothing else, please just know how I feel about you, that’s real.”

It’s unrealistic to expect him to just swallow it all and accept every part of you.

The right choice right now is to leave. Miguel needs a chance to figure out if he really wants to be a part of this.

“If you decided that you’d rather take your chances with someone else, I would understand. I wouldn’t blame you Miguel.”

It hurts, but even if he broke this off, there wasn’t a part of you that couldn’t actually hate him for it. This is a life, his life. He knows what future dangers are ahead. That version of him also proposed that he would be back. Who knows with what kind of reinforcements.

“What did you say to me, the first time I told you about my disability. What did you say?”

Your brows knit.

“I..I don’t understand I..”

“I understand. I don’t expect anything from you. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You’re you. We can discover what we are in the future. That’s what you said to me. You didn’t look at me with pity, or like I was broken. You didn’t force me to change anything. You just smiled at me and told me that you were willing to endure whatever you could, as long as you were given a chance to care about me. To..love me..”

It’s a bit impossible to look at him now, your gaze has gotten a bit swimmy.

“The circumstances are very different, but I understand now how you felt at that moment. I want you to give me that chance.”

Is there a possibility that you’ve already been rejected and your mind has formed some kind of alternative?

Shaky hands move to the table for support.

It must be.

You try to read something, anything from his gaze. He’s at your side in what feels like seconds. Miguel is holding your cheeks and you’re sobbing.

“I know now that you’ve lost so much, no matter what, you’re not going to lose me. So you don’t have to be afraid. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Y-You promise.”

Miguel nods.

“I promise.”

He leans in, sealing it with a kiss and you hug him.

You believe every word.

#miguel o'hara #scientists #cowrokers #trust #spiderverse #powers #secrets #miguelxreader #love #understanding

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lafoiaveugle · 1 year

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Happy Death Day, Year 14

If you don’t know me, I celebrate a birthday in February the worst month, and a death day in November. Both are equally important days to me, even if I tend to forget which exact day my Death Day is. Anyways, every year I talk about the things I'm happy for, the little bit of advice I can give, and fuck it I'm making it an actual thing.

Are you…Dead? No, I am not dead. Wouldn’t it be ironic if November 23rd/24th ends up being my official death day though? I wouldn’t put it past the universe.

No, see at the age of 20, it really looked like the universe was trying to decide whether or not I should be alive. I ended up in the hospital multiple times due to an incurable autoimmune disease, and then a car accident landed me in ICU for a month. That happened to be the week before Thanksgiving through days before Christmas (if I remember correctly) and I’ve been celebrating it ever since. For those who weren’t there, I’ll spare you the graphic details, but I went from “she won’t likely survive the night” to “she might survive, but she’ll never walk” to “she’ll walk, but never unassisted,” to “okay but you have to wait another month because we are mostly afraid you’ll break your arm again.”

Note: They were right to fear this last one. I literally fell my first tennis match back during WARM UPS. Didn’t break my arm again. Did gain a killer backhand knowing people would target the scar.

People nearly die every day. Why celebrate this? I don’t think I am a pessimist by nature, but I do genuinely appreciate an anniversary to remind me about all the things I am truly thankful for, especially an anniversary without the added side effects of familial trauma, colonizer guilt, and forced cheer. No, instead I reflect on the things that keep me alive now, fourteen years after my death day. And when you add in the growing political unease and two years past the beginning date of a pandemic, I personally need to be reminded to take a minute and be thankful. The date represents a hard year, and a reminder to myself that while I now have a healthy relationship with the concept of me dying, I’m still so glad I’m here. So no, I don’t mentally calculate all the days I nearly died (every day I drive on the highway, let’s be real). But I do take a minute every November to compose my thoughts on life.

How are you celebrating this year? Well, I’ve started my morning with three cats using my bed to play “the floor is lava.” I’ll see my wonderful mom and two of my amazing siblings and grandmother for Thanksgiving lunch, then hanging out with Redd once he gets up from his super late shift last night. I’ll be in contact with those I love through out the day because we all will be navigating family. Maybe for fifteen I’ll throw a party or something. Fifteen extra years with me — you’re welcome (no really I’m so sorry.)

What new items are on your thankful list? First, I am thankful to the scientist out there working on “orphan diseases.” A new medication came out this year that could potentially put me in remission, get me off steroids, and potentially get me off my chemotherapy med. How amazing is that? I’ve spent the majority of the last two years fighting off the depression that comes with hearing a world constantly talk about how you aren’t important because you are sick. Or that you are less important because you are sick. The universe disagrees, bud, but I digress. I’ve been thinking about how thankful I am I didn’t give up on podcasting. Last year, especially this time of year, was incredibly rough and I did not consider podcasting a fun escape anymore. I had made the mistake of who I chose to cohost podcast with, I had men belittle my intelligence and tell me I was dramatic. I knew I was done hosting, being in front of a mic, but I was ready to move behind it permanently, into a writing position if I was lucky. Fortunately, I didn’t do any of that. I started up a podcast idea that was all consuming, I put myself on a time table that ended up requiring me to be in front of the mic again, and I’ve had to come face to face with some real repercussions and consequences of what had happened in 2021. Because of that, I have so many new people I adore working with, I have new friends I can’t imagine how I got this far without them in my life, and a genuinely great team to help push it forward. And it’s in the finals for some awards — look I know I throw myself into something when I cannot cope, and I’m glad this time it’s been a healthy project. One that has changed me for the better. I am also thankful that I’ve gained strength to stand up for myself more. I’m still working to gain back my confidence and self-worth, and I have made great strides forward in setting boundaries of who is allowed in my life and why. I also adopted two cats this year — a very outgoing part dog named Tempo, and a trained rogue who will steal your heart named Astrid. Along with Inanna, they keep our apartment loved, cozy, and chatty actually.

But again, none of this could be accomplished on my own. I have a support system of an amazing mom and step dad who may not always understand me but will support me (through the teasing). I have 3 siblings that just mean the world to me and inspire me to be a better person by watching them grow. I have Keira, who has only shown me kindness, friendship, and love, reminding me again that family is never just blood. I have four amazing best friends that are just as willing to talk me through the anxiety attack as they are to tell me when I am the problem. I never expected “Am I being dramatic or…” to be the way I orient myself in life, but I am so thankful they don’t judge it. I am thankful for the group of doctors and nurses I need to live. Not only that they all help keep me alive (and sane!) but because I’ve somehow found doctors that listen and work with me, rather than talk down to me.

What advice would you give someone post 14 years after nearly dying? I feel like I should put a caveat on my advice: most of this is advice I have to give myself regularly.

Stop trying to find the meaning of life. Just live. Don’t live to work, live for life. If that’s family, if it’s creating, if it’s traveling, cool! Find work/life balance and find it early. I didn’t have it at 20; I really didn’t have it until 33/34. It is life changing. If there is a secret to the universe, a “reason to be here” then I have figured out what my reason is, and what the universe’s reason might be. I don’t love the second, but I can only control the first.

Down time is healthy. Doing “nothing” is healthy. Producing something at all times is not healthy.

You can only control you, and that fucking sucks. Let me be clear — it’s a good thing I can’t control other people or how they react, and it’s even better no one can control me! Does that mean I like it? Absolutely not! Humans are unpredictable and you have to learn to roll with it.

Giving 100% and spoon theory actually overlap, and it took me way too long to realize that.

Notebooks don’t buy happiness. But an e-ink tablet is coming very close.

Teaching your cat to play fetch (or to “bring me the toy so I’ll play with you”) is a great idea in theory, ruins bathroom time quite frequently.

Know your worth. And you are worth it.

#happy death day #advice #advice 14 years removed #immunosupressed #orphan disease #near death tw #idk #thanks #thanksgiving #this day isn't always thanksgiving #but it's nice excuse to hug my mom #and my youngest siblings

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whovianwholikesgirls · 2 years

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Top 5 REM songs

Top 5 Stranger Things moments (in the show, not your au 😂)

Top 5 Lyrics (ok I know this is cruel so you can just pick 5 you like rn)

Top 5 Favorite Things About Yourself 😘

Top Five REM Songs:

Fuck they’re mostly going to be from murmur aren’t they? Yep!!!

Perfect Circle

Moral Kiosk (for the riff and the hook honestly)

Laughing

Try not to breathe

Turn you inside out

Top 5 ST moments:

Dustin and Suzie’s never ending story moment. Easily my favorite scene

When Joyce is comforting El in s1 while she’s in the sensory deprivation tank? Rip my heart out of my fucking chest and my inner child said, “Joyce is our mom now”

In S2:

Nancy: you don’t have to do this you know?

Jonathan: stop saying that

It just reminds me of us and it makes me happy🥰Also it’s just a nice reminder that your people will be there for you always and you’re never a burden (which is like a daily affirmation I need at this point.) Damn, when did this get so dark? Fuck ableism. Moving on…..

Joyce and Hop getting Murried will never not make me laugh

At the beginning of S2 when Joyce and Jonathan are looking for Will like, “shit it happened again” and when Joyce finds Will in the bathroom and asks what he’s doing he’s just like, “peeing?!?!?” Iconic

Top five lyrics right now:

“Emotion-bound

Martyed

Misconstrued” Laughing, REM

“It's these little things, they can pull you under

Live your life filled with joy and wonder

I always knew this altogether thunder

Was lost in our little lives

Oh, but sweetness follows

Oh, but sweetness follows” Sweetness Follows, REM

This one is cheating a little but it’s my fav song rn now I’m giving three examples counting as one:

“And if you never saved me from boredom

I could've gone on as I was

But, Lord, you made me feel important

And then you tried to erase us

Oh, oh

You're a crisis of my faith”

“And now that I'm grown, I'm scared of ghosts

Memories feel like weapons”

“If clarity's in death, then why won't this die?

Years of tearing down our banners, you and I

Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts

Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first”

Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve, Taylor Swift

“I asked my friends

Am I a good man?” Tayls, First Cure (I Can’t Hide)

Istg it’s not just because it’s your lyric and I’m not being a kiss ass but:

”Your mind is on fire but so is the world

And you want to escape but where on Earth could you go?

Every single day is some paradoxical mind-numbing mashup of boring and terrible”

Road Ahead, Jay Van Raalte (my fav human🥰)

Top five things that I like about myself

My ability to love people and things. It’s very deep and vast and loyal and in the past has def been given to the wrong people but we’re working on it

My ability to make my inner child feel safe and heard. We’re still working on the internalized ableism stuff for adult me but as far as making sure that little me is safe and her feelings and pain are heard and vailed? Ooff it’s been a long 4+ year journey with an awesome therapist but as a kid who was constantly physically violated by being forced to leave home where it was safe to go stay with her emotionally and physically abusive father for months out of the year, it’s nice that she finally has an adult who puts her needs first

When I have an idea I’ll cling to it until it becomes a thing. (Getting into my dream school for undergrad, saving up for Taylor bc I’ve wanted to see her for years and my parents weren’t going to make it a thing when I was a teenager either bc of money or usually when my mom and I would go to a concert it had to be someone we both liked so it was always Rob Thomas/Matchbox so instead I’m doing it myself, hopefully moving to Seattle etc)

I love my life long love for reading. It’s something that’s really cool and I love that it has always stuck with me

My appreciation for simple things (books, tea, rain, new music, deep pressure therapy, being held. No I did not just say that last one bc you asked😉These are just the simplest things in the word but they make me the happiest)

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itsyourchoicedevotionals · 2 years

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Drift Away

“Jesus answered: “Watch out that no one deceives you.” Matthew 24:4NIV “…will deceive many.” V5 “…see to it that you are not alarmed…” V6 “…deceive many people.” V11

In Jesus’ latter day summary to the disciples, His people aren’t to be deceived, believe a lie, frightened from lying circumstances. Continuing: V9 “…you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me.” V10 “…many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other,” V12 “…the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold.”

How can anyone survive with these dire forecasts? V13“…The one who stands firm to the end will be saved.” Jesus says there will be believers who persevere and stand firm making a major unchangeable choice.

Paul instructed, “Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” Ephesians 6:11NIV. Failing to put on the full armor of God, will find us unprotected— prey for the enemy. Deception comes to prey in our minds first. Remember how easy it was for satan to twist God’s words in Eve’s mind? She lost the battle for truth immediately. We will too, if we aren’t immersed in God’s Word while suited up in the full armor provided for us. Be sure to use the sword as Jesus used it during His time of temptation in the wilderness.

“But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation” 1Thessalonians 5:8ESV. Paul added another part to God’s armor— faith and love. The only way faith works is IF it’s accompanied with love, Galatians 6:5. Thus we have a shield and portion of the breastplate made of faith.

Child Debbie memorized a little bit of scripture during Bible Schools attended each summer. When I gave God my entirety, I submersed myself in the Bible. I studied, read, memorized, and prayed the Bible verses. People called me a fanatic. Fine with me, they weren’t fighting the battles I was fighting.

Point is— I wasn’t and haven’t been deceived because of all the Bible memorized. The word is fresh and deep each reading. Many seminary educated ministers,I’ve read and listened to seem to be watering down the gospel. What Holy Spirit inspires can’t be watered down, diluted, or mixed with today’s concepts. Even some so-called prophets are mixing ‘new ideas’ with their prophecies.

Once a Holy Spirit sensor dings like a bell in my spirit, I search for the cause. Usually, I find the ‘ding’ comes from the skin of the truth stuffed with a lie— satan’s way of deception, as old as Eden.“Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it” Hebrews 2:1ESV. Jesus never drifts away from us.

As I read through the Old Testament again, I realize how easy slipping, —aka drifting away is. I’m reminded of a person who declared, ‘I’ve defeated satan in my life. It’s the last time I ever need to fight that battle.’ She fell so deeply into sin, it’s taken her 25 years to find her way back out. Now a much humbler person, she prays constantly for God to keep her, as do I.

“I do not pray that You should take them out of the world, but that You should keep them from the evil one” John 17:15NKJV. The best way I know of to prevent being deceived is to pray this scripture while wearing the full armor of God and walking in love. My hope is for each of us to follow this wisdom. Will you follow it? It’s your choice. You choose.

LET’S PRAY: Sovereign God please keep us from the evil one. Keep us from being deceived, in the name of Jesus Christ I pray.

#Jesus Christ #lord of lords #Word of God #Holy Spirit #God #it's your choice #devotional #drifting away #survive #armor of god #world #deceived #sensor #love #hope #faith

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oldsalempost-blog · 2 months

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THE OLD SALEM POST

Our Local Tamassee-Salem SC Area News each Monday except holidays Contact: [email protected] Distributed to local businesses, town hall, library.

Volume 7 Issue 16 Week of April 1, 2024 https://www.tumblr.com/settings/blog/oldsalempost-blog Lynne Martin Publishing

EDITOR: Have you ever noticed when you are talking, you cannot listen. You also won’t listen if you already have your mind made up. A one-sided conversation is no conversation at all, especially if the talker, never listens, even when the other person is allowed to speak. Maybe that is why some people feel defeated and will not even try to stop something they know is wrong. It amazes me when so many people will not try. It makes me ask myself, what is wrong to allow unhealthy things to become normal? Pollution is wrong. Overdevelopment is wrong. Destruction of nature without replenishing or replanting is wrong. People need to start listening to what others are saying about the destruction of their beloved communities and the way of life they cherished. We need to stop the overdevelopment before we destroy everything good about the place we live. LynneRMartin

Childhood Poem: The wise old owl lived in the oak. The more he heard, the less he spoke. The less he spoke the more he heard. Why aren’t we like that wise old bird? Some credit this poem to Edward Richards other sources list unknown. One version of the poem is “the more he saw the less he spoke.” (I prefer the version I learned, and it makes more sense. The more I see the more I speak!) LRM

TOWN of SALEM: Located 5 Park Avenue * Visit the Downtown Market every Sat, Winter hours 9am-1pm. April 13th at 5PM with be the first Downtown Car Show this year. The Fire Department will be selling food. More information call 944-2819

SALEM LIBRARY: Located on 5B Park Avenue. Hours Monday 10am-6pm. Tues-Friday 9am-5pm. Closed 12-1 each day for lunch. You may request books or movies we do not have in stock. Visit us to find a wealth of opportunity! 944-0912 for more information.

Jottings from Miz Jeannie by Jeannie Barnwell. Miz Jeannie We were so deprived-- children of the 1940's and 1950's-- growing up without cell phones, television, and computers. The alternative was to TUNE IN to the conversations of grown ups. My father constantly repeated safety instructions so that we would NEVER forget his sound advice. Any time we lit a candle, Daddy would remind us, "Fire is a good servant, but a bad master." So true. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE FLAME BECAUSE A TINY SPARK CAN IGNITE YOUR WHOLE HOUSE!!! I am an old granny now, but I never take my eyes off a glowing candle. In the fall, grand daughters Daphne and Margot come to visit. We use old candles to light up our jack o' lantern. Then we roast marshmallows over a crackling fire. This gives me the opportunity to pass down family wisdom. I envision that someday the girls will pass this advice on to their grand children. FIRE IS A GOOD SERVANT BUT A BAD MASTER Pass it on. Save a Life! Oconee County, I Love You! Take care of yourself and those whom the good Lord has placed in your care... Miz Jeannie

ASHTON RECALLS by Ashton Hester FISHING LAKE OPENED IN 1954 - In the early and mid 1950s, public fishing lakes were becoming a popular enterprise in Oconee County. The owner would stock the lake with fish--bream, bass and catfish--and charge a fee to fish there. Following is an advertisement for a fishing lake that was in the March 17, 1954 Keowee Courier: "Open For Fishing! Now in Second Year! Lake Diana - Located 7 miles northeast of Salem on Shallow Ford Road, Mrs. L.P. Head, Owner. Highway paved all the way. Over a ton of Blue Cats recently put in lake. Also stocked thoroughly last year with Bass, Bream, and Catfish. We serve delicious Country Ham and Catfish Dinners."

JOCASSEE VALLEY BREWING COMPANY,(JVBC) & COFFEE SHOP* 13412 N Hwy 11 Open Wed–Sat 9am-9pm and Sunday 2pm-7pm Events this week: Wed: Blue Grass Jam at 6:30pm. Food: Blue Ridge Grill. Thursday: Food: Blue Ridge Grill Fri: Music: The Binge at 6:30pm Food: Chocs BBQ Sat– Music: Spalding McIntosh at 6:30pm Food: Simple Sammies Sun: 2pm-7pm. More info 864-873-0048

Ecclesiastes 3:7 KJV:”.. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; …”

2024 UPCOMING EVENTS April 26th, 7 PM Friday Evening Wellness Event: Reclaiming Our Inalienable Wellness Doors open at 6:30 PM Free event hosted by ENAC featuring speaker Meredith Orlowski, AFMC, INHC. Bring your friends and family along. Gain Energy, Lose Weight, Feel Happy, & Save the World While Doing it!

Mother’s Day Afternoon Tea on Saturday, May 4th from 2 PM-4 PM: Join us for a special afternoon and treat yourself to delicious goodies, hot tea, and a guest speaker! Our youngest guests will enjoy manicures and a craft! $10 per guest. All funds will be donated to support the Eagles Nest Art Center. There are also opportunities to sponsor a table for the event. To RSVP or find more information: Kayla or Emma Lusk at 864-903-0681

Oconee Mountain Opry: May 18th at 7PM. Jef Wilson, West End String Band, Mystery guests, comedy and more.

The Eagles Nest Treasure Store is open every Saturday morning 9AM-12PM. We are accepting donations during that time or call 864-557-2462. We still have many beautiful gowns short and long to choose from.

For Information on sponsorships, events, volunteering, donations, or rentals call 864-280-1258 or email us at [email protected]. Check out our website Eaglesnestartcenter.org as future events are added.

Rentals for birthday parties and class reunions. $100 for 4 hours minimum for the commons area

CHURCH NEWS Bethel Presbyterian Church (PCUSA), 580 Bethel Church Rd Walhalla, 29691. Worship at 10:30 a.m. Come visit us. All are welcomed! Boones Creek Baptist Church, 264 Boones Creek Road, Salem invites you to join us for regular worship service on Sunday morning with Sunday School at 10am and followed by worship at 11am.

Salem Methodist Church: 520 Church Street, Salem. 9AM for breakfast, 9:30AM for Sunday School, and 10:30AM for Worship. You may tune in to our live service on Facebook or view it later on our website. Women’s Monday morning Bible Study with Sherill Carothers at 10 AM Please know all are welcomed!

Calvary Baptist Church in downtown Salem is inviting you to attend a special Bluegrass Gospel Singing featuring, "The Tugaloo Holler Band" on Saturday, May 11th at 6 PM. You will be blessed so come worship God with us through singing and fellowshipping with believers

COMMUNITY FOOD PANTRY CONTACT: James and Teresa Barker 864-944-0258 No one should go hungry.

OPUS TRUST, a local 501c3 will host a Unique Wine Tasting on April 9th at the Jocassee Valley Brewing company from 5PM-7PM. Tickets are $45 and must be purchased prior to the event. Call 864-873-0048. Supporting Local to Save Local. Call up your friends and learn about OPUS Trust and see how your can be a part of saving our local farmlands, open spaces, natural landscapes and resources and our unique upstate.

Speak up. Do not be Silent! Have a wonderful blessed week! LRM

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an-impulsive-black-hole · 2 months

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Today was a difficult day.

I spent most of the day playing the guitar and staying in bed because my mind was wandering again to places I promised I’d never go to again. The anxiety today was so intense that even strumming the guitar felt too difficult because my hands were furiously shaking for no reason at all. I couldn’t really figure out what’s triggering it but it felt so lonely and sad and empty being in the room and just staring at the nothingness.

So I went out, got a haircut and went for a run. I took the photo above after my run and I took some time to look around UP. I will say that it did calm my nerves. I started running since December last year and I must say that I’m seeing a lot of progress. I’ve gotten really strong now. When I first started running, I’d stop and start catching my breath after three lampposts but now, I can run around the oval easily.

One of the things that brings me calm and peace is looking at nature. I just love how looking at the vastness of trees reminds me of possibilities. I love how looking at nature reminds me of the infiniteness of the universe, and how we’re all tiny specks of dust in this mysteriously wonderful word we’re in. I love how when I look at this wide expanse of land filled with greenery, all my sad thoughts just fade away. I guess today, looking at nature worked. I was able to get rid of the anxious thoughts and keep myself calm.

After my run, I have come up with a major move I promise to hold on to this year: I need to take a break from dating and romantic relationships. The past year has been traumatic and there’s a lot of grieving, healing, and rebuilding that needs to be done. I think one of the reasons I have not been feeling okay the past days is because seeing new people is unconsciously bringing up a lot of trauma I had in the past.

A guy I dated once weeks ago prompted me to set a boundary and it was so uncomfortable. After the first week talking and consistently video calling, he was suddenly asking me to constantly update him and even requiring me to send update photos. There was once a conversation where he seemingly didn’t believe who I told him I’m with. We aren’t talking anymore. I think he felt offended by me asking for space. I didn’t meant to but I needed to set that boundary. I guess choosing yourself has its consequences, too.

I think that incident brought me to a time where I was so used to giving and giving and giving, saying yes to people and partners even when what they want does not align with my values and principles in life. It brought me to a time where I smothered people in love and affection so that they wouldn’t leave. It brought me to a time where I continuously chase people, even those who do not want anything to do with me. It brought me to a time where I need to beg for people’s attention and for people to stay. So, when I saw that pattern, I suddenly went into defense mode and set that boundary. To be honest, this was one of the first times I did that for myself. I might not be good at it yet but it’s a start. His response tells me that it wasn’t meant to be, but I should probably still say sorry.

There’s also this guy who I met on Bumble. This guy is really cute and mukhang burgis (I guess?). We were talking for some time, quite on and off. He’s from Cavite (Etivaaaaac where the good shit at?) and the distance was quite a concern. We planned to go on a date after the holy week. But, my main concern is the lack of follow through. We couldn’t start or maintain a proper conversation online. All I get are good mornings and good nights and even those have also ceased. I know I promised myself not to use online communication as a surefire way of getting to know a person but this one, I’ve fallen in a deep hole in.

You know how as an anxious attacher, you create these elaborate narratives in your head to make you feel safe? I’ve gotten to that point with this guy. I found myself one day this week thinking about the things we’d do in the future - how we’ll sleep over each other’s houses and we’ll make each other breakfast and stuff. That’s the level of delulu I’ve gotten with this one. I feel silly telling all about this now but it is what it is. I’m afraid I’ve started putting this person on a pedestal, not conscious of what’s happening in reality, in the present.

The lack of communication is taking me back to the time where I deem texting and chatting as the primary means of getting to know a person, not mindful of how they treat me in person. This takes me back to a time where I make it a habit to chase feelings, and think of online affection as love. And I don’t want to follow breadcrumbs anymore. I don’t want to believe in unrealistic and easily fading sources and forms of love anymore.

I don’t think it’s so much about what these people did and didn’t do that’s really bringing up the trauma, but mostly my response to their actions or lack thereof that’s mostly problematic. This tells me that I am not yet okay. I thought I was. Hence, I think it’s clear to me that being in a romantic relationship is not something I should actively pursue for now. I will focus on healing and rebuilding so that when someone comes, I am not shortchanging this person by being a nervous mess, trauma dumping, or responding to situations based on fear and pain.

I can do this.

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personallylivingeasy · 5 months

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I don’t even know what I would say. I have so many thoughts but my god who wants to hear all the things traveling through my mind at 100mph. Maybe you. Barely me.

There’s so many different parts of me in this situation. There’s the part that is insecure. That says, how dumb could you possibly be? Trusting a man by his word? Defending him to friends, waiting for him?! Not dating in HOPES that he follows through with his word. How embarrassing for you!!! You being ME.

There’s another part of me that thinks yes this is a bummer but he set this boundary and I respect that boundary. It’s tough but it’s okay bc this is something he needs to do for himself. That he needs to do in order to be a good (potential) partner. And for that I can wait.

And then there’s the most honest vulnerable side of me. The one that thinks wow how lucky am I that there’s a person in this world that cares enough about me to say as much as I want this I need to be in a better place to preserve our friendship. Making me feel so safe and protected. So incredibly secure in my decision to wait. My trust outweighs the insecurities that come up. I think to myself that this is the person I’m going to be with. I’ve made up my mind that this is my person. That yes this situation sucks but what is one year when we have the future together.

It’s so conflicting. How do you tell someone who is going through something, “hey you’re it, I’m waiting, nothing has changed for me” I don’t want to put pressure on anything. Because really I don’t want anything to change. Obviously we will have a relationship in addition to our friendship but I don’t want him to think the friendship isn’t going away just because we are dating. Or that I’m expecting him on a knee or something. I just want us! And it doesn’t have to be in this moment. God in this moment I want my friend. I miss my friend.

I miss my friend but I don’t want him to think that because I said “friend” that he’s back in the friendzone. It’s just that we have 12 years of friendship and a blip of relationship. So it’s hard to miss the blip, now that isn’t to say I’m not imagining what it would be like or what it will be like without this situation. I do! Constantly ! But thinking about not being able to text him with random life updates running updates sucks. And I hate that.

I want to say. Can we have check ins every other month. Something to keep me from spiraling and something to just keep us in the loop. The last time we emailed he mentioned that it was like emailing his friend not girlfriend. I think that’ll take me a minute to figure out the difference in texting him or emailing him. I want him to know it’s going to be weird at first but the more we do it the more gf bf it will feel.

And I want to stop saying things are weird. They aren’t weird, they are simply different than what we are used to. And that’s okay and it will wear off .

I’m just sad. I miss him. A lot. I’m sad the text wasn’t answered. I’m sad that it was delivered just fine and it’s just sitting. I’m glad I sent it but I was hoping for some kind of response! People are bad mouthing him and I’m trying to stay on the understanding patient side of things but it’s hard. Like really hard. Bc my feelings are hurt. Someone I miss hasn’t responded back after almost 3 months of not talking. That makes me sad.

But I keep reminding myself, this is jack and he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. This isn’t a man who doesn’t care if I live or die. This is a man who got me a cancer necklace and said I was it. I need to remember that. But it gets hard sometimes. And Fuckin hell I have to book the Hawaii room and I haven’t yet and he doesn’t even know about it yet!!!!

Also I know I love him as my friend but I’m worried I just straight up love him. That’s a lot. All of this is a lot. I want to tell him everything except this last paragraph…. Miss you love you miss you

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untamedrion-blog · 6 months

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Calling 2023 the best year would be an understatement.

I took the courage to face this year without any hesitation and I know that deep in my soul, I was wishing to have a good year. Boy! I was right. God didn’t just provide. He gave me memories, He gave me things that I never knew I wanted and needed.

His grace settled my heart in peace this year.

I got to visit Tagaytay-Cavite and Ilocos this 2023. It was awesome! I was reminded that every beautiful things were created via love. His love. To see parts of the Philippines was one gorgeous ride.

I hoped for an out-of-country trip and I was given two!! Got to see Hongkong last March and Japan this November. Imagine?!? Japan was one of my dream country to visit! It all still feels like a dream. To be able to travel and have money to shoulder all the expenses.

Had the chance to watch Hamilton PH too! Despite the difficulties with securing the tickets (Which aren’t cheap, By the way) and the trip going to Solaire, we were able to see the show with the announced cast! (Found out that Rachel Ann Go, David, and Jason didn’t perform for some shows)

I’m also a fur parent now! I adopted a cat and he’s the sweetest (minus the scratching when I bathe him 😋)

And the biggest and the most beautiful thing that I am grateful for? It’s Mike. To love and be loved by him. To have someone you can dream with is a feeling that I don’t want to exchange with anything in this world. I have never been this happy and it’s because of his love, his comfort, his patience, and his care. I entered 2023 praying for someone else to come back and be with me. I remember that I pestered God by constantly praying, “Please. Give that person to me. I want him.” But God replied, “I don’t like the person you’re praying for. Wait for my plans.”

And I did wait.

I changed my prayers to, “Lord, whoever it is that you want for me I accept.” Then He lead me to Mike. He gave me my Michael. He showed the path to get to know my boyfriend.

It’s beautiful, you know? To have someone talk about God the way Michael does. To have someone get so many rejections and heartaches but still able to say, “I don’t know what to do but I trust His plans.” To have someone with a pure heart he’s not even aware he has one. I remember a quote from TATBILB when Lara Jean said that love is scary because the more people that you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out. I used to be like her. Shtless scared to fall in love, to let myself drown with my feelings because I don’t want to give someone the authority to break my heart but now, thinking of it again. I would let Mike break my heart a thousand times for the reason that I know he’s worth it. I love him to bits and I would sacrifice my heart and gain pain as long as his heart gets to be happy.

If you ask my 2022 self if I expected all of this, I would answer, “No.” I never knew I could get to this place. To this state. To this serenity. I am able to breathe now thanks to the blessings that God has given me.

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