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sigridstumb · 10 months

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Unmasking makes me an asshole, though.

The more I think about my autism, the more I think I don't have an actual personality.

Hear me out, this one is complicated.

And I am ABSOLUTELY NOT speaking for All Autistic People, so if this doesn't sound like your experience, cool! No worries! Have your own autism, I understand that it comes in a huge variety of flavors!

I learned as a very young child that what I said and did was Weird and Wrong. So as a very young child -- four or five years old -- I started copying people. I copied other kids, I copied adults, I copied characters in books most of all. This method was hideously flawed, and I was frequently called out for copying people. But sometimes it worked. Sometimes I had social interactions and people responded positively to me. Over time, over elementary school, I slowly learned ways of behaving that made me less visible. That made me blend in.

By the time I was fourteen, I wasn't getting beaten by other kids anymore! It was this miraculous thing, this ability to slide through social worlds and pass as almost like everyone else. I loved it.

In high school I began experimenting with it more. I could act differently around different people! I could talk one way to one friend, and they really liked what I said and they responded very positively, and I could speak in a different way to another person and they responded positively to that! It was only weird and strained if I was in a situation where BOTH of those people were present. Then they each thought I was a weird fake liar, because why did I act like THAT? What did I REALLY think and feel? When was I lying, and to whom?

Everyone. I was lying to everyone.

No-one. I was lying to no-one.

I had Goals. Social goals. 1) Not be hit, kicked, spat on, tripped, or shoved. 2) Not have adults angry with me. 3) Not have anyone know that I was an alien mutant waiting for my superpower to kick in. 4) Have sparkly interesting people like me and think I was funny and kind.

I watched people. I listened. I practiced facial expressions in the mirror. I read a LOT of comics, because in comics characters perform actions while thinking about their motivations, and I could see what facial expression and body language they used to convey or hide what they thought and felt. I played AD&D, and tried out different voices - vocal tones, accents, pitches, etc. I learned what the people I found interesting liked, wanted, thought, and felt. I gave them what they wanted, and in return they wanted me around.

This worked so well, most of the time, that I continued doing it until about two years ago. Three decades, more or less, I did this.

When was I lying? And to whom?

Constantly, to myself.

I do not know how to turn the people-suit off. Now that I understand and know what I am doing, I don't know how to stop. Or, rather, I can absolutely stop! And then my closest relationships get damaged. There's this whole "everyone should be able to unmask!" thing going on, and I get it, I truly do, but if I completely stop masking I AM A FUCKING ASSHOLE.

I don't want to be an asshole. I care about people, at least a handful of them. Maybe twenty, total. I don't want to hurt them. So I run scripts literally all the time, in every interaction, I run scripts between what I think and what I say because my first responses DO NOT SUPPORT MY LONG-TERM GOALS.

When someone I care about wants to tell me about something they are interested in, my first thought is almost always "why are you telling me this? I don't care about this." But I care about the PERSON, so I run one of the five or so "I am interested in this conversation" scripts. When someone I care about has something bad happen to them, my first thoughts are usually either to say something I think is funny about the bad situation or to say nothing because there is nothing I can do about the bad situation. But because I care about the PERSON, I run scripts of either sympathy or problem-solving, or both.

I don't think this is lying to people. My long-term social goals are to have these people in my life. There are tasks I must accomplish on a regular basis to maintain relationships. Tasks like maintaining facial expressions, correct vocal tones, and proper scripts.

But I think I am lying to myself, in some odd way. Or, rather, I don't know what I would want or how I would act in my life if I did not have relationships. I don't know what my personality would be were I not performing the Sigrid-people-suit in literally every interaction. I don't know, because every time I get close to not performing the people-suit, people I care about are hurt by my words and actions.

In the meantime, I think about it and I talk about it with my partner, and we have come up with ways to manage my unmasking a little bit. It's challenging, and hurtful to both of us sometimes. (I learned last week that apparently there is no neutral register of acknowledging other person's statement of fact, and that if I do not make my acknowledgment sound positive, it sounds negative and mean. I truly believe and intend a neutral "I heard your statement," but this is not an area in which unmasking works for my relationships.) But we are working through it together.

#actuallyautistic #autistic #alexithymia #mirroring

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snootlestheangel · 1 year

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The Gaz/Soap Bromance

Y'all, I am 100% convinced that these two have like the best bromance in history.

Part of it is I believe Soap is super physically affectionate with the people he's closest to, and Gaz is one of them, as well as the one willing to put up with the most affection. Gaz just knows he's a target when he's laying on the couch. Price jokingly tells him to get a blanket with a target on it so Soap would know where to lay. Gaz is just chilling, talking to someone? Soap is there, leaning against him, sitting too close, etc. etc. I keep seeing a thing going around with Soap (platonically) kissing the 141 members and friends (if y'all know where/who started this please let me know), and I'm just thinking about Soap and Gaz being Like That. Just constantly "flirting" with each other, just lil smooches here and there, so many hugs that last a little longer than deemed appropriate.

Gaz knows how to comfort Soap when he's experiencing ~issues~ with the ADHD (I don't have it, but I am autistic and I've seen many things that ADHD people struggle with that I can relate to). Gaz just knows how to help him with boredom, how to help him with overstimulation, how to make sure he takes care of himself when he's having bad days, etc. They almost always do their workouts together, spotting for the other, and keeping each other company. They're almost never apart, even doing the most mundane tasks. Gaz can be cleaning his rifle and Soap is sitting on the table, rambling about something his mom told him the last time he called her.

It gets to the point that people think they're a couple, and Gaz panics when he hears that. Ghost and Soap are together, and it's not like they are trying to hide it, it's just Ghost is emotionally constipated and doesn't know how to show affection, especially in the presence of people he's not familiar with (aka the recruits). Soap, Gaz, and Price all know when he's being affectionate towards Soap because they know he doesn't show it the same way. Yeah, Soap is still physically affectionate towards him, but he also understands that Ghost has boundaries and doesn't like being touched that much (he does, just not in public if you catch my drift ;) teehee). He suddenly distances himself from Soap, who has a breakdown over it. I mean, that's his best friend! What did he do wrong? Ghost has to convince him it's not his fault, blah blah blah, and when Soap finally calms down enough to fall asleep, Ghost is hunting Gaz down.

Not because he suddenly became distant towards Soap. At least, not in the way you might think. He is going to berate Gaz for this, but not because "That's not how you should react to the rumors about you and Soap. You really hurt Soap, how could you do that?". NO, that's not AT ALL how Ghost reacts. Ghost is instead so distraught, not for Soap, but for Gaz. He knows how important Gaz's friendship is to Soap, and vice versa. He and Gaz have never really talked about Ghost and Soap being together, and Ghost is scared that Gaz has always been expecting Ghost to try and cut Gaz out of Soap's life.

But instead, Ghost apologizes. He apologizes on behalf of the dumb recruits that started the rumor. He apologizes on behalf of himself and Price for not putting a stop to it sooner. But most importantly, he apologizes as Soap's lover. He's sorry that Gaz felt Ghost would want him gone, but it can't be further from the truth.

"I need you in my life as much as Soap does. You have been there for him when I can't be, you match his energy when no one else can. You keep him grounded without making him feel like a burden. He needs you despite having me. I can't replace what the two of you have, that's not my relationship with him. I'm there as his lover, you're there as his brother. And I need you because I can walk away from base to go on mission without him and not be scared. Not be afraid that something's going to happen to my Johnny while I'm gone. I can feel safe leaving him behind because I know he's safe with you. I know he's got someone that loves him and will lay down their life for him. Johnny is not just for me to love, his heart's too big for just me." -Ghost when he finally catches Gaz.

Gaz and Ghost being fiercely protective of Soap after that. Gaz and Soap continue being themselves, safe and comfortable, while Ghost watches with a smile behind his mask. Gaz shuts down every accusation that he and Soap are together, fiercely defending the idea that men can be vulnerable with someone and not have to be sleeping with them. He defends their friendship by pointing out all the shit they've been through together, how they're a family Gaz has never had.

And maybe, yeah, Ghost gets a bit more possessive of his Johnny, and maybe it's encouraged by Gaz. And maybe, just maybe, Soap feels so incredibly safe to hug and love on the people in his life for the first time in a really long time.

And Soap is content. He's got the greatest friend a man could ask for, the most incredible lover anyone could desire, and a good family.

And Gaz is happy. He only wants the best for Soap at all costs, and seeing him being joyful because of Ghost gives him so much satisfaction, like he's finally done something right with his life.

And Ghost is at peace. He has someone to hold when it's dark out and the demons in his head are getting to be too much. He's got this radiant bolt of energy at his side. But he also can rest easy knowing that Johnny, his Johnny, is safe and happy. He's safe with or without Ghost on base because he's got Gaz. Ghost has another person he'd give his life for if that meant he could guarantee Soap's safety.

And Price? Price is just happy his boys are getting along. That is, until Soap and Gaz drag Ghost into their shenanigans and leave Price graying faster than he should.

#soapghost #ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #john soap mactavish x simon ghost riley #ghost call of duty #soap call of duty #soap and gaz bromance for the win #kyle gaz garrick #gaz modern warfare #gaz is a good friend #gaz and ghost bonding over their love of soap #john price #cod mw2 #john price is a dad

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male-hedonism-and-acting-cool · 4 months

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so i saw you have headcanons on ur page, so i prompt you for more, unload all ur cattonquick headcanons can be nsft go wild mate

sorry it took me so long but here are almost 2k words of my cattonquick headcanons

Felix

dyslexia/adhd combo. has no idea until like late 20s/early 30s. gets medicated, and it changes his entire life (he even gets some kind of rich boy job)

but during oxford he's just struggling and insufferable. Oliver has to do some of his assignments for him (not often. usually when Felix forgets about them entirely and doesn't find someone to pay for doing them)

had chlamydia. do I really need to explain this one? boy fucks around a lot

wants to get his nipples pierced

likes horror stories and spooky urban legends and stuff but also gets scared shitless by them

he was around 10 when his dog died. was literally heartbroken, didn't eat for like a weak. swore to never have a pet again

once during boarding school procrastinated all of his works for the last moment drank five redbulls was awake for 43 hours to finish everything and went to two finals. slept for two days straight woke up with no memory of doing any of this and didn't have a caffeinated drink again for a couple of years (he still barely passed if you care)

has super boring stories about drunk nights out (because he's rich and popular, so there's always something looking after him). but he thinks they are crazy

turns into crazy people pleaser if you as much as hint that you don't like him

Oliver

autistic

thinks he's great at masking (he does know it's masking because he's also not diagnosed but he's highly aware that he performs different versions of himself for people and believes it's him being an evil genius or something)

is actually shit at masking. he can put his shit together and act a certain way for some time (like he did with other Cattons). but most of the time he's a little freak type of guy, and everyone notices

he also won’t talk to anyone unless he absolutely needs to (he almost failed a class because he needed to do a group project but didn’t like the group he was assigned to, so he tried to email “sorry to miss our group meeting but here’s my part of the work” his way out of talking to any them)

since they spend almost all the time together, Felix knows him in his closest to not masking state

I think his dad does have drinking problems, but he's more like a functional alcoholic so no one cares

likes reading long books. like 600+ pages long. they provide him with a sense of stability

I know he doesn't look like it, but he did have friends at school. mostly children of his parent's friends or people from his classes. he doesn't keep in touch with any of them, and it's his decision (he misses them sometimes, but it's more like he misses the idea of having friends than actual people)

started using contact lenses because Felix would always mention how he likes the color of his eyes

really picky about food and would rather starve than eat something he doesn't like. skips meals at oxford all the time if eggs at the dining hall are cooked in the wrong way or something like this

tries to quit smoking at some point later in life but decides it's not worth it with all the passive smoking from living with Felix

talks in his sleep. not much and not often, but still

becomes a writer and write really fucked up stories with dark academia vibes (partially because he turned into a fucking gremlin when he discovered academic validation and never let it go + partially as a love letter to Felix, his uni sweetheart who, let's be honest, kinda peaked at uni)

gets close with his second sister when she grows older (she and the youngest one have a similar age difference to Oliver and the oldest sisters, and their parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings) parents treated them similarly. so they bond over being ignored and forced into taking care of their younger siblings)

cattonquick

Felix is one year older than most people in his class. because he took a gap year after school to "experience life" (get drunk in nine different European countries) and "get to know himself" (receive a couple of mediocre hand-jobs from other rich boys and make some conclusions about his sexuality). he would've been one year Oliver's senior but when Oliver was five he had severe pneumonia and was too weak to start school (like a fucking victorian child). so he started a year later and they are the same age

they do awful couple Halloween costumes (there are also people dressing as them for Halloween as couple costumes, that’s how annoying they are)

they are "facebook official" if you care (it was a big deal for possessive mentally unstable people back then, trust me, my favorite movie is the social network)

Felix has insane separation anxiety (like those dogs on tiktok that grew up during covid with their owners always around)

he would sit in Oliver's laps at parties, play with Oliver's clothes or hair while he's doing his work, ask Oliver to join him in the shower because I need to wash my hair so it's gonna be a long shower and I'll miss you and then you'll go to the shower and I'll miss you even more

but once in a while he gets angry because he feels "too needy" so he ignores Oliver for the whole day or asks him to leave if they are together

then (you guessed it) he starts missing Oliver

at first, Oliver was freaking out every time this happened, but over time he figured out to just give Felix some time and come back later. it still hurts him though that Felix believes he can just send him away whenever he's tired of him

after days like this Felix does everything to show that he loves Oliver and wants him around. he cuddles him more, takes him to a bar or to one of their special places, buys him something (he keeps track of everything Oliver mentions he likes by texting Farleigh. Farleigh fucking hates it)

but still the best way to show Oliver that he won't suddenly get bored of him once and for all one day is to stop doing shit like this. and Felix fails to do it. so they pretend it never happened until it happens again

Oliver always pulls Felix for a kiss by the collar or by his hair. he never stands on his toes

they did acid together once. Felix was sure Oliver would love it but Oliver had an awful trip full of maze imagery and never tried psychedelics again

for their first vacation together, they go to France (mostly because Felix doesn't really care for traveling, and he knows that Paris is the city of love or whatever). there're huge protests the second day they arrived. so they only go to Louvre and spend the whole two weeks in their hotel room

after Oliver and Felix date for a while and it's clear that Oliver isn't going anywhere Oliver and Farleigh start to develop some love/hate friendship. they mostly hang out together, talk shit about everyone (including each other), and discuss poetry

Felix is insanely jealous. Farleigh is offended Felix thought he would be into Oliver. Oliver finds it hilarious (he doesn't think it's hot because he already knows how possessive Felix is, which is hot, but this makes Felix nervous so Oliver isn't into it)

Oliver bites. not only during sex but in general. they can sit holding hands and talk and he will just bite Felix's hand and continue talking like nothing happened. because Felix is a little spoon, he will often wake up from Oliver biting into the back of his neck and have a mark for the entire day. Felix gets used to it surprisingly easily (and by gets used to it I mean he finds it unearthly hot, touches marks that Oliver leaves on him all the time and seriously thinks about getting a tattoo of Oliver’s bite marks)

and yes he does call Oliver a vampire

Oliver has a couple of slightly worn t-shirts three sizes bigger for Felix to borrow (when they start living together a couple slowly turns into a whole drawer)

they never really lived in saltburn together. but they went here for summer

when they start living together (right after oxford they move into a two-story apartment) Oliver insists they both should have an office as some personal space, mostly because he needs to get his work done. Oliver’s office is very old-fashioned, with dark wooden furniture and tall bookshelves. he also gets a reproduction of the Saltburn maze game. Felix doesn’t know what to put in his office because he doesn’t need a fucking office. his only idea is to commission a portrait of Oliver, so for a couple of years (until he gets medicated and finds a rich boy job) his office has blank walls, a portrait of his boyfriend with a desk and a single chair across from it and nothing else. he ends up spending most of the time Oliver works on the couch at Oliver’s office anyway

Oliver has a lock of Felix's hair in a locket. very 18th century gothic poet style (Felix knows about it btw. it was an anniversary gift)

Felix introduces Oliver as boyfriend, then fiancé, and then husband. Oliver always introduces Felix as his life partner

they get married after six years together

Felix is the one to propose (he waited for Oliver to do it, but Farleigh once told Oliver that he would look like a desperate social climber if he proposes and Oliver internalized it immediately)

Oliver writes Felix love letters even after they’ve been together for years. full of admiration for small daily things Felix does, about how godly is even the way Felix brush his teeth; about small nice things that happened to him because there’s no one in the world he would rather share it with (much like Nabokov’s Letters to Vera)

Oliver doesn't believe in soulmates, and Felix claims to be personally victimized by it. but Oliver just loves to see it as a result of hard work they put into it. he doesn't think they were simply destined to be together, he believes it's years and years of them choosing to be together, choosing each other when there were so many easier options

as for nsfw

I don't think they have sex with penetration often

like Felix has oral fixation, and Oliver just prefers doing things with his hands or mouth

Felix is really voyeuristic and huge part of their sex life is just Felix putting up a show for Oliver and Oliver watching

Felix likes to do cookwarming (oral fixation + it grounds him and his adhd brain)

Oliver is really a service dom whatever Felix wants Oliver will find a way to do it

but his personal favorite is rimming Felix until he's all wet and finish him by sucking him off and fingerings him at the same time

#cattonquick #felix catton #oliver quick #saltburn #english is not my first language #I really treat this movie like a cute little romance

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punkeropercyjackson · 3 months

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I've said this before but my trans woman!Percy Jackson is the specific kind of femme that subverts cishet people's idea of femininity.Blues instead of pinks,pastel punk instead of traditional with the exception of loving her afro-dominican heritage,dark skin and strong facial features and super kinky hair,Cool Big Sister Friend and Team Mom instead of the 'overbearing no fun all rules holder of the braincell woman' stereotype,tall with a realistically thick build that has both fat and muscle,interests in cutesy and kiddy things instead of focusing on what's 'normal',very high standards for men because she knows her worth and a very low interest in anything romantic or sexual.She's autistic and aroaceflux bi and the closest thing to a stereotypical girl thing she has is liking being called 'Doll' and even then she lets exactly four people call her that and it's Sally,Annabeth,Rachel and her s/o(who widely varies depending on my mood).There's also the her being way stronger than almost any man in the franchise but that one's canon

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madeinwater7 · 28 days

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I'm back with rambling again. i've been having a zoro brainrot lately, plus he's my longtime comfort character and i like to think about him.

I'm tired of him being characterized on the level of a log. or a rabid dog. or being told he has no character development or is poorly written because he doesn't show his emotions openly and doesn't have an extra tragic backstory. i think among all the straw hats zoro is characterized at a very high level. but he expresses his feelings and emotions in a certain way, is not an open book, in contrast to almost everyone on the team (as an autistic person i can relate a lot to this). he shows many things purely through actions. he is an orphan whose closest example of a close relationship was a rivalry (which ended tragically). many things typical of human relationships are barely understandable or familiar to him in general. but he is still kind and thoughtful. its literally shown in the first arc he’s in. him protecting people and eating onigiri off the ground.

him not expressing himself openly doesn't mean he's poorly written, in every arc he's in he shows the importance of his role in the team, his ideals, ambitions, advancement. some people think he can't tell friend from foe (idiots who claim he would kill sanji on whole cake island) but this guy literally almost drowned himself in arlong park to prove a point regarding nami (to her and to himself). he doesn't need to say a bunch of emotional words and reveal his soul to show what he's going through, what his problems and struggles are. and that he loves ALL of his crew madly and would do anything for them. and he does have personality and free will outside of following luffy. pls.

he doesn't need more backstory, we already know everything important about his past, why does he need the rest? he learned important ideals and lessons from his childhood and applies them to everything he does. after that? luffy happened to him (ending his loneliness and shifting his priorities over time). backstory is not what he is. he lives in the present and strives for the future, and all of his actions in the main story tell us who he is. would i want more attention to him? sure. but if he suddenly starts opening up his soul and showing all of his suffering directly it doesn't make him a better character. that's not what he's about.

some are dissapointed about him in wano because it didn’t focus on his bloodline. but why does it matter? he doesn’t have living relatives outside of koshiro and doesn’t even know they are related anyways. why would he care about his blood and where he came from. we know it and it’s cool and interesting. but not to him. and i ADORE him in wano. he does so much, he connects with people there so much. more then in the most arcs, truly. and in onigashima i want to hit him in the head lovingly.

#one piece #zoro one piece #roronoa zoro #its not nearly enough honestly #i want to write so much more but damn english is tiring

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specialagentlokitty · 1 year

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Katara x Male!autistic!reader - heal what’s been hurt

Can you please write autistic male reader [unless you don't write male reader, then can be female] where reader comes from a family of firebenders and earthbenders? They can use both and reader can lavabend and lightning bend. Reader is afraid of waterbenders because he was almost killed by one and maybe Zuko catches Katara yelling at reader and reader [out of fear] lavanends in self defense. Katara ends up burned and Zuko yells at Katara and Sokka is mad until Zuko tells him what happened. It's not until dinner when reader comes out of the room [he/she] are staying in that Katara sees all the scars they have on [his/her] back and chest that she understands why reader is terrified of waterbenders. Katara ends up apologizing to reader but reader is still hesitant about her. Maybe they form a friendship? [Sorry if this is too detailed] - Anon💜

You never agreed with Zuko when he tried to chase down the avatar, you believed that it was time for the needless war to end, your family was proof different nations could get along.

Only Iroh and Zuko knew of your true heritage, that you were born to an earth bending mother, and a fire bender father, who happened to be a high ranking member of the army.

They fell in love in a small village in the earth nation, and your father hid her and her family as fire nation citizens from one of the colonies.

You never attempted to stop Zuko, your fire bending was on par to his, you could lava bend, and lightening bend, but you couldn’t bring yourself to hurt him.

He was your best friend.

Sitting on the floor of the fire princes room, you stretched and laid down as you stared at his ceiling.

“We’re leaving.” He said sternly.

“Oh come on!” You huffed.

“Pack a bag we need to go now.”

You sighed and grabbed your already packed bag, following after Zuko as he led you both away from the palace.

You did ask him over and over again where you were going, but he didn’t tell you.

He wouldn’t even tell you what happened.

You simply followed him on the blimp, resting your arms over the edge as you watched the world below you pass.

“Hey Zuko?” You asked.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve abandoned the fire nation haven’t you?”

You turned around to face him.

He looked so sad, and you sighed, walking over to him you placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m worried it to late.”

“It’s never to late to make the right choice Zuko, you’re doing what needs to be done for the good of the world. Iroh would be proud you know.”

“I don’t know…” Zuko mumbled.

“He will, all he ever wanted for you was to choose the right path in life. You got a little sidetracked, and went down the wrong path for a while, but you know what you need to do now. You’re your own person, in control of your own actions, and you’re doing the right thing.”

“You never agreed with me capturing the avatar, did you?” He asked.

You shook your head and rested yourself against the edge of the blimp with him, watching as the stars gently passed you by.

“Why did you follow me then? Why did you stay?”

Laughing slightly, you shot your friend a soft smile.

“I stayed because you’re my best friend you idiot, you’re like a brother to me, okay? You saved me, and helped me heal myself, and I’m here to do that to you, it’s what friends do.”

Zuko smiled, looking up at the stars with you.

“You’ve always been part of our family (Y/N), I know uncle sees you as his own son, and you’re the closest I’ll ever have to having a supportive family. You’re my brother, and you always will be.”

You grinned, turning to face Zuko as you held your your hand.

“Deal?”

Zuko smiled, shaking hands with you.

“Deal.”

“Great, I’m going to sleep!”

Laying down, you quickly fell asleep and Zuko stayed awake to guide you guys where you needed to be.

He didn’t wake you up when you landed, but when he came back feeling defeated he finally woke you up with a heavy frown on his face.

You stirred a little bit, sitting up to look at him.

“What’s wrong?”

“They won’t trust me, they won’t let me help.” He sighed.

“Get some rest Zuko, we’ll talk to them again in the morning, okay?”

He nodded and you helped him set up a camp, and while he went to sleep, you stayed up and kept watch.

You know you didn’t have to, you were safe here, but it was out of habit, and if you didn’t stay awake you knew Zuko would’ve, and he needed his rest.

Hearing a small twig snap, you looked over and quickly got into a fighting stance.

“Who’s there?”

You watched as the earth bender girl stepped forth, and you lowered your guard as you gestured for her to come over and sit with you.

You guys spoke for a little while, and you answered questions she asked you before she left, and you went back to staring into the fire.

Morning came, and Zuko guided you to where Aang and his group were camping out.

“Zuko.” Sokka snarled.

You took a step back as you stared at the clothes he was wearing, you were so focused on Sokka you didn’t even notice Katara had joined.

“Please just let us help!” Zuko begged.

“No! You can’t be trusted, neither of you can!”

“We want to stop this war, it’s all (Y/N) has ever wanted! A peaceful life for his family!” Zuko yelled.

“You’re both enemies! You chased us! Hunted us!” Katara yelled.

She took a step forward, and you took one back.

You were so zoned out you weren’t even aware that they had finally agreed to let you guys stay and help.

Zuko noticed this and he placed his hands on your shoulders.

“Breathe…” he whispered.

“Zuko… I need to go…”

“We’re going to find a room away from you all, to make you feel safer.”

With that Zuko quickly dragged you away.

He helped you through your panic, sitting with you until you were okay, and you decided that some sleep would help.

You avoided Katara and Sokka for days, either staying in your room or near Zuko, and finally Katara had enough.

Her and Sokka cornered you on the ledge outside.

“You’re just here to spy on us aren’t you?!” Katara yelled.

“N…no…” you spoke weakly.

“You are! You’re just here to get information and give it to the fire lord! It’s why you’re always sneaking around!”

You tried to speak, but you couldn’t find your voice, all you could do was shake your head at all the accusations she was throwing your way.

Your heart was pounding, you were struggling to breath and everything was getting blurry.

You couldn’t focus on anything, they didn’t look like Katara and Sokka, friends of the avatar, they looked like the people you dreaded. The people you feared.

Katara suddenly moved her hand and out of relaxed your raised yours, a wall of lava coming up between the pair of you and the two water benders scrambled back.

It came crashing down, and Katara screamed as bits of embers landed on her and burned her skin.

Zuko, Toph and Aang were alerted to the screams, and they came running to help.

Toph built a wall to stop the lava from travelling, blocking it in front of them so it couldn’t travel any closer.

With his airbending Aang put out the lava.

You stood there frozen.

“I’m sorry… i.. I’m so sorry…”

You shook your head and you ran past them, straight to the little room you were camping in.

“Look what he did! I told you they can’t be trusted!” Sokka yelled.

“It’s not his fault!” Zuko yelled.

While Aang helped Katara, and she healed herself with some water, Zuko and Sokka screamed back and forth.

Finally Aang jumped between them.

“I’m sorry, you have to go.” Aang said sternly.

“Let me explain! There’s a reason he did that!”

“Go!” Sokka yelled.

Katara sat there cradling her hands to her chest, tears in her eyes and Zuko frantically looked around.

“He didn’t do it on purpose!”

“Go!” Aang snapped.

Zuko sighed, nodding his head knowing he wasn’t going to be able to force them to listen to him.

“Wait, he’s telling the truth. (Y/N) didn’t do this on purpose. And (Y/N) was telling the truth when he apologised, he didn’t mean to hurt Katara.”

“Then he better have one hell of a good reason.” Sokka growled.

He crouched next to his sister and held her while Zuko sat down.

Aang and Toph did the same next to Katara, and they all stared at Zuko waiting for an explanation.

“(Y/N) has never had any intention of hurting anyone, he hates the war and wants it to stop because his parents live in constant fear of the fire nation. He actually set out to find Aang in the North Pole while I was trying to capture him, he was trying to warn him.”

Zuko sighed as he remembered that day.

“He didn’t get far when he was captured by water benders, he was moved to some sort of cell made completely from ice, he couldn’t use his bending to escape. The water nation wanted him to talk.”

The four shared a confused look, but carried on listening.

“They… the things they did to him are things you wouldn’t survive… no one could survive… but he did…” Zuko whispered.

“What did they do?” Aang asked quietly.

“They broke him, destroyed him, hurt him until there was nothing left but an empty shell of who he was before. But he couldn’t give them the information they wanted, and that’s when they tossed him into the sea to freeze, my uncle came across him and brought him back to our ship. It’s how I met him.”

Zuko looked up at them all.

“You have to understand what they did to him placed a deep fear of water benders in him, he is terrified of members of the water nation. Katara yelled and screaming put him right back in that cell, and out of fear he attacked her because he thought he was in danger, all he ever wanted to do was help the avatar.”

They all stayed silent for a few minute.

“He’s telling the truth.” Toph said softly.

“No! There’s no way the water tribe would do that to him!” Katara growled.

“It is hard to believe…” Aang spoke, “but Toph could tell if Zuko was lying.”

“You can’t be serious!” Sokka huffed.

After talking it over, they agreed to let the pair of you stay, and while Zuko stayed in your room with you, they stayed away from you both.

Zuko came out when dinner was ready, and he let you know that he would save you a bowl for when you were ready.

You were scared, terrified, but slowly you crept from your room, setting your burned shirt that you were trying to fix by the door.

You walked out and crept around the edge of the circle.

Aang was the first to greet you with a smile, and Zuko did the same, holding up a bowl for you.

Walking closer, you knelt to Zuko, whispering a thanks too him and Aang as you sat down between them.

You kept your eyes on your food as you slowly ate, but you couldn’t shake the stares on you.

Sokka and Katara were staring at you.

In the light of the sun, they could see the pale scars covering your chest, some even trailing up to your neck or around your side.

When you finished eating you simply just got up and left, while Sokka looked away shamed Katara had her eyes glued to you.

The scars on your back were worse, deeper, jagged, still healing.

After her dinner, she excused herself and got up, only to be stopped by Zuko.

“Give him his space, leave him a route to get out if he needs to…” he whispered.

“How did you…?”

“I saw you watching him.”

She nodded and thanked Zuko, making her way down to your room and carefully knocked lightly on the stone.

You looked up and when you saw her you shuffled back a little, eyes glued to her.

“Can I came in?”

You didn’t answer.

“That’s okay, I’ll just sit here.”

She sat on the far edge of your doorway, she took a deep breath.

“I’m really sorry for shouting at you, scaring you. I should have let you explain and not jumped to conclusions, I understand why you attacked me, it was to protect yourself and that’s okay. I’m really sorry (Y/N).”

You didn’t stay anything, you simply just carried on working on your shirt.

Katara watched you for a moment, a small smile on her face as she watched your struggle to sow.

“I can fix that if you want?” She asked gently.

You shook your head and she nodded.

“Okay, well, I’ll leave you be. But if you need help just ask.”

With that she got up and walked away.

You set your shirt aside and sighed to yourself, looking at the little pricks on your fingers from trying and failing to sow the holes closed.

You weren’t sure how long you were trying, but it was dark. Zuko had come in at some point and was fast asleep on the other side of the room.

Folding the shirt, you stood up and carefully crept out, making your way to a different section of the temple and slipped in.

You glanced at Sokka who was throwing a small rock in the air and catching it, and he stopped when you walked in.

He watched you pad over to Katara, laying the folded shirt next to her things before you backed away quickly.

“She’s really good you know, she fixes all my clothes for me.” Sokka smiled.

You said nothing and scurried away.

When Katara woke that morning, she sat up and stretched, reaching for her bag she froze when she felt an unfamiliar fabric and looked down.

“He dropped it off last night.” Sokka yawned and rolled over.

Katara smiled to herself and picked it up, getting straight to work.

It took her an hour, she then washed it, asked Aang to dry it and looked around for any sign of where you could be.

She couldn’t find you or Zuko, but she did find Toph playing with Momo.

“Have you seen (Y/N)?”

“Never before.”

“Toph I’m serious.”

“So am I.” She shrugged.

Katara sighed and rolled her eyes.

“Okay, do you know where he may be? Better?”

“Much! He’s petting Appa.” Toph said.

Katara walked over to where the flying bison as laid, and she found you just stood in front of him, ruffling your hands through his fur as you mumbled to the bison.

“(Y/N)?”

You jumped, spinning around to face her.

“I fixed your shirt, I washed it as well. Aang dried it so there’s no water on it.”

She held it out and you looked at her with suspicion.

“I’ll just set it here.”

She set the folded shirt on the floor and back away, and you walked closer so you could pick it up.

Again she found herself staring at the scars on your skin.

“They don’t hurt…” you muttered.

“What?”

“My scars, I know you’re looking at them. They don’t hurt, aside from one on my back, the rest are okay.”

“I can take a look at it for you if you want? I’m a healer as well.”

You looked at her.

Her healing it meant water, and she knew that and you knew that as well, so you shook your head and pulled your shirt over your head.

“That’s okay, but if you change your mind I’m more then happy to heal it.”

“Iroh already took a look, he said it’ll be the hardest to heal, because it’s so deep.”

“I’m really sorry they did they to you (Y/N), I really am. I can’t imagine what you went through, or why they would do that.”

You sighed, looking up at the water bender.

“It’s not your fault…”

“But it was my people.”

“And mine have killed yours, so I suppose it’s fair, right?”

“No, no it’s not. Because you didn’t do any harm to anyone, you were just trying to help us.”

“Zuko told you?”

“He told us everything after the incident, and I don’t blame you for what you did, Sokka doesn’t either, we both understand.”

You just nodded your head and went back to what you were doing.

Katara kept trying to talk to you, while you talked to everyone else, you stayed clear of her and Sokka.

Even as you guys had to move from the air temple, you still avoided them, you even went with Toph just to get away.

She was sitting in her tent when you came over and shuffled awkwardly in front of it.

“Is something wrong?”

Katara noticed your lack of shirt, and the dirt on your skin.

“Can you fix this?”

“Sure? What happened?”

You sat on the outside of her tent and tossed your shirt in.

“Zuko and I were sparring, we got carried away…”

Katara laughed and got everything she needed out.

You watched her carefully, trying to figure out what she was doing so you could start fixing your own clothes.

“It’s pretty simple when you get the hang of it, it just takes some practice. You just have to be slow and careful.” She explained.

You nodded your head.

“So you can lavabend right?”

“Yeah, it’s a trait that runs in my family.”

“Can you earth bend?”

“No, but I can lightening bend, I’m trying to teach Zuko, but he just keeps redirecting it instead.”

“Can everyone lightening bend?”

“No, it’s hard to learn, and extremely dangerous.”

You shuffled a little further in to the tent as it started to softly rain, not wanting to get the water on your skin.

“You have to have a clear mind, a clear energy. You must tame the energies inside of you, because even one slip up can cost you your life. But you can master everything, and still not be able to create lightening, honestly not many people try. Those that do are seen as foolish, reckless. Much like lava bending, you have to have utter control, because one wrong move can cause more damage, it can destroy whole cities if you’re not careful.” You explained.

“Oh I get it, it’s kind of like blood bending, or metal bending.”

“Yeah, except with those there’s no risk to your own life.”

“I see, that’s why you stick to fire bending.”

“Yeah, it’s simple, less dangerous, and is more of a self defence strategy. I try not to use my Lava or lightening bending, I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Katara offered you a smile.

“That’s really noble of you.”

“Thanks…”

You looked out at the rain that was coming down heavier and shuffled further inside as the little droplet touched your skin.

Katara set your shirt aside, and moved some things to make room for you to get inside away from the rain.

“I don’t have a towel or anything to dry you with, can I bend the rain off you?”

You slowly nodded your head, you wanted the water off, and you squeezed your eyes shut as she raised her hands.

You waited the pain, but it never came, you felt the water leave your skin, and you slowly opened your eyes.

Katara shaped the water into a small ball, and carefully let it out of the entrance of the tent while you watched.

“Are you okay?”

“Can.. can you show me that again?”

“Are you sure?”

You nodded your head and she smiled, moving to sit next to you as she drew some water in to the tent.

She played with it, sending it between her hands, creating different shapes, separating it and putting it back together.

She kept glancing at you, making sure you were okay, and when she saw you flinch she sent the water back out.

“Everything can be used to hurt others in the wrong hands, but it can also be used to help people too.” She smiled.

You looked at her, shifting a little as you back started to ache.

“Can you… maybe look at my back…?”

“Are you sure? I’d need water to heal it to remove the pain.”

“We… we’re friends… so… I trust you…” you mumbled.

Katara smiled brightly, and shuffled behind you, letting you know exactly what she was doing before she did it, and when you moved or flinched she would wait for you to give her the all clear.

You were terrified, you wanted to get out of there, but when the water touched your back, it soothed the pain you were feeling, it felt almost nice.

“Thank you for trusting me (Y/N), I know this is really hard for you.”

You said nothing in reply, just simply sat there with your eyes closed as you slowly breathed in and out.

She was your friend, you could trust her, you knew she wasn’t going to hurt you, and maybe with her help you would be able to look at water with the love and fascination you did as a child.

Maybe water didn’t have to be such a frightening thing anymore

#avatar the last airbender imagine #avatar the last airbender x you #avatar the last airbender x reader #avatar the last airbender #avatar x reader #avatar imagine #avatar #katara imagine #katara #katara x reader #Katara x you

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vaxxy-the-raven · 5 months

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Angsty Twin Headcanon Time

Just some angsty Vax & Vex headcanons from my fanon!

(warning! this post includes implied self-harm, referenced child abuse, referenced transphobia, referenced ableism & implied SA)

Vax and Vex hate certain things about each other, some that remind them of their parents in one way or another and others that just leave them heartbroken -

Vex has their father's anger, shouting and hitting things when she gets really pissed off - sometimes Vax will put himself in her way on purpose so she only hurts him while she rages.

Vax goes all distant and shuts down verbally when he gets angry, keeping it to himself and bottling it all up until he eventually explodes, usually hurting himself in some way to try & keep his anger in check.

Vex is very unaffectionate and even pushes Vax away when he tries to hug her, not because she hates affection but because she's scared of being weak and letting down her guard.

Vax is quite stubborn and doesn't care for the rules, doing whatever he wants when he wants to, just like their father used to do - he often ends up hurt as a result, that or arrested.

Vex looks almost exactly like Elaina did and always complains about it - It's something that just breaks Vax's little "momma's boy" heart every time she does.

Vax (a trans man) looks a lot like a younger and more feminine presenting Syldor & he hates that a lot - Vex does too, but she could never tell Vax that.

Vex bad mouths Elaina for not trying harder to save the twins from Syldor, but Vax knows that she just uses it as front to actually bad mouth herself.

Vax is loyal to a fault, ready to die for anyone who is even the remotest bit nice to him even just once.

Vex trusts nobody at all and only worries about herself, Vax, Trinket, and her closest of friends.

Vax has learning disabilities such as dyslexia and dyscalculia, being autistic and ocd (not op projecting at all), and this has caused people to get frustrated with him a lot to the point of fights and arguments.

Vex is also autistic and ocd, but masks rather heavily out of shame that her father instilled in her.

Vax is Rudiusborn and has been having night terrors since he was born. Since they were 10 and moved into separate rooms, he's always ran to wake Vex in search of comfort after a dream wakes him up - Vex won't tell him but she really wishes he'd stop it.

Both twins are bisexual and demiromantic with sexual trauma, but Vex is hyper sexual while Vax is sexually repulsed. They don't know this about each other and even believe each other to be the exact opposite.

When Vax first came out as trans, Vex didn't react well because she saw how much it angered Syldor - even now she still feels some residual anger as a very small part of her believes Vax coming out is what made Syldor get as abusive as he was.

Vax blames Vex for their mother's death, though he'd never tell her this - he thinks that if Vex hadn't forced them to stay in Syngorn for so long, they could have reunited with Elaina before Byroden was destroyed by Thordak, as if Thordak would never have went near Byroden had they went home first.

Vax hates being called Scrawny, and Vex hates being called Stubby, but they both endure the others' nickname for them because they know that they're not maliciously intended or anything.

Vex knows Vax was Clasp because of her and hates herself for it very deeply.

Vax knows Vex lied about how she found Trinket, but he doesn't want to upset her by asking for the truth about what happened to give her the scar over her right eye.

#my poor babies #someone hug them #the legend of vox machina #critical role #tlovm #cr #tlovm spoilers #cr spoilers #tlovm headcanons #cr headcanons #vax'ildan #vex'ahlia #lynias shut up challenge

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russosafehaven · 1 year

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There are Widows and There are Men - Part 3

A/N: This part will be darker, it will involve a sexual assault scene that borders on rape. The reader will be four years old in those scenes. Please do not read this if you are uncomfortable. The scene will be in bold, after that it will not describe it any further.

Series Title: There are Widows and There are Men

Chapter Title: Part Three - Memories are clawing at me

Song: The Exit - Conan Gray

Pairings: Billy Russo x Black Widow!Reader (Also autistic!reader and implied to be on the aromantic spectrum)

Word Count: 4304

Warnings: Rape, SA, Self Harm, Red Room, Dreykov, Canon Typical Violence, Age Gap

You had fallen asleep not long after Jessica and Trish had left. After a few hours of mind numbing conversation and revelling in being free, they left you to rest. It helped that Jessica had some less then legal activities to attend to, but that was life now wasn’t it? Your boss hated you and your closest friends were vigilantes. You thought about Billy, what would he do when he came back to you? Would he hate you for good or perhaps he’d put you out of your misery? The betrayal in his eyes had stung. The way he looked at you with disgust mixed with rage and horror. You were used to being treated like a monster. It was all your life had been. Blood, murder, kidnapping, torture and all these other crimes you were made to commit.

“You up?”

You looked to the source of the voice. Smooth hair that wasn’t styled to perfection, dark eyes that look black in this light, dried up lips and a messy green sweater. It was Billy but he looked almost unrecognisable like this. What had he been through?

“I’m up, you okay Mr Russo?”

His head hung low, his feet kicking the ground. The tension was thick and layered. If you cut it with a knife you’d be able to see it. Billy’s footsteps were quiet as he found his way to you. The hospital bed creaked as he sat down. You adjusted yourself to the weight change. Making sure you were comfortable for the inevitable awkward conversation.

“I’m sor-“

He cut you off by placing a hand to your lips. They lingered for a moment as he looked at you gently. You could tell Billy wanted the first word by the look in his eyes. As his hand pulled away from your face it fell into his lap. Toying with the fabric of his stained jeans.

“Look… I didn’t mean to yell. I… shit. I’m not good with this touchy feely crap. Frankie’s always been better at it. I care about you… a lot. You were just so different, so… pure and fresh. When I saw you covered in blood I freaked. I care about you… a lot. I was scared… really fucking scared”

Tears started to prickle in the corner of his eyes as he spoke. That work facade that he put on, the strong and confident former marine turned business mogul was falling apart in front of you.

“I grew up in the system. My mother… she uh left me in front of a fire station out in Albany. My childhood was group homes and the occasional foster parent until they’d kick me to the curb again. It’s why I joined the Marines… to feel like I belonged somewhere. You know, as a kid I used to play stickball a lot. Used to hit the ball nearly all the time, thought I was gonna be the next Joe DiMaggio or some stupid shit. I was a kid and yknow, kids dreamed big. There was this Samaritan, used to come by the group home… he told me I was pretty. When a grown man tells you you’re pretty you know nothing good is coming. He cornered me, tried to touch me… so I hit him with the stickball bat. Caught him good a few times too but it pissed him off. He tore my rotator cuff. Shit… memory still hurts. I got a buddy who works with vets, he runs a support group. When I told him, he said that’s why I have this sexual deviant persona as he called it. Cause it’s all I think I’m good for. That and the guns and shit”

He was playing with his hands as he spoke. Looking down at them so intently, he was scared of how'd you react. Your thoughts churned, he didn’t deserve this. You’d heard stories about the foster system from your higher ups. About how lucky you were to have been taken in by the Red Room and didn’t grow up in the system.

“Is he dead?”

His head lifted at your question. Eyes widened like a deer in headlights. Billy put his hand on your leg, fingers drumming lightly.

“No, but what does it matter now? No proof anyways, he’s served 15 years so the countries clearly okay with it”

Rage seeped in your veins. Billy sounded so defeated as he spoke and it resonated with you. In the Red Room one of your trainers had taken advantage of you.

“What’s his name?”

His hand tightened on your thigh. Billy’s breathing got heavier and you could hear it clear as day.

“No, no shut up. I can’t have you hurt anyone. You shouldn’t have to. You aren’t in that shit-hole anymore”

He threw himself up, standing heavily on his feet. One of his hands ran through his hair, pushing the messy locks back. Making his way to the window to look out at the overcrowded streets. You studied him intently.

“Billy you were a kid”

Your voice was quiet. You knew better than to pity Billy, pity in these situations always felt horrible.

“SO WERE YOU”

His fist came up and slammed down onto the windowsill. It garnered attention of nurses whom you had waved off. Giving them a sorry look. You looked back at Billy, sadness in your eyes.

“Billy… what happened in the Red Room isn’t the same as what happened to you. You were a kid who was meant to be protected in those organisations. I’m nothing more then a pawn. You’ve managed to change the world, you were meant to be protected and they all failed you”

Billy walked back over to you, towering over you. You reached a hand up to him, the cannula prominent on your hand. His own arm reached up, fingers wrapping around your wrist.

“Why are you so insistent on dehumanising yourself?”

“The little spider can’t fight back anymore?”

His voice made you shiver. You were only four years old but you knew enough to know this wasn’t going anywhere good. Your training has only just begun recently and your trainer was a cruel man. His name was Mikhael and he wasn’t toned like anyone else. He was round and balding, much older then the widows. You had assumed he’d been here as long as Dreykov. What he lacked in physical fighting skills he made up for in computer science and weapons. He taught most widows how to use a bow, teaching them how to aim.

“It’s okay. I can help you”

His hand reached out for you, groping your thighs. Pulling you toward him, Mikhael started yelling when you thrashed. His actions were violent and erratic. You couldn’t even blink before your body made contact with the floor. The cold, concrete floor. The same floor you’d seen so much blood fall from other widows as you were made to watch them fight. Necks snapping and bones breaking. It was a vicious sight but what you were about to feel scared you so much more.

“It’s okay моя дочь. I won’t hurt you too much, just let me touch this precious little body of yours”

His hands roamed up your thighs, they just about covered your entire body. He was huge compared to you. When once you were just a small child you were now his plaything. The man who made you call him “Papa” and called you his daughter. The widows had seen a lot and so had you, but this was not the violence you were used to. In your mind you were telling yourself that you were four years old and you didn’t deserve this. Although some twisted part of you couldn’t help but think you did. You’re being raised to be a weapon, so isn’t this penance for the sins you’ll soon commit?

He kept pawing at you, mutty hands and greasy fingers feeling at the space between your thighs. You tried to ignore the feeling, convinced yourself that one day this would be nothing but a bad dream. His other hand found your chest and held onto it. You wanted to vomit. Release it into his face and watch it curl up in disgust.

The memory played in your mind like a broken record. You’ve been nothing but a weapon and a sex toy since birth, why would Billy see you as any different? The two of you looked at one another in longing. You weren’t capable of love, puppets didn’t feel anything.

“There was this man… in the red room. He treated me like his daughter. For the first four years of my life I was his daughter. I was born and bred for the red room, stolen from my real family. Since I was an infant that man was all I knew. When I begun my training…”

You trailed off, climbing out of the bed and walking over to Billy. Your arms snaked around his neck, pulling him towards you. As you lowered your arms back down you slowly lifted the skirt of the hospital gown up. Revealing cotton underwear and your thighs decorated in scars. One hand holding the fabric up, your free one reached for Billy’s hand. Bringing it to cup the mound between your thighs. He tried to pull away, shaking his head.

“I was a little thing when I learnt what being touched here felt like Billy. I’m far from being human, I never have been. I’m a weapon, a doll for the Red Room to toss around and use to kill. I am nothing without the blood that has stained my skin and my mind for decades. No matter how hard I scrub, not matter what I do I cannot erase that. You chose to fight, you chose that life for a noble reason. I’m bred for it, they raised me like they raise the lambs to slaughter. You’re a Lieutenant, a decorated war hero who has clawed his way to the top of only for a moment while I am the Blood Widow. I have killed innocents because it’s what I was made for. I’m designed for this, they made me in a lab so I would be the perfect weapon. The Red Room’s greatest creation since Natalia and Taskmaster”

Billy didn’t meet your eyes and you couldn’t blame him. In such short time everything has changed and he’s seen you as the one thing you swore never to show him. His hand was still firm against your core, cupping it gently like you would break if he dared force himself onto you. Many people before Billy had put themselves onto you, taken you by force and brutally destroyed you. You still remember the blood seeping from your core while your assailant left you for dead in an alleyway. When you escaped the Red Room and made your way to New York you had made yourself a promise. If you ever saw anyone being attacked in that way you would make sure the streets ran red with the blood of the perpetrator. It doesn’t matter if they had a family, the victims need to be protected. If it got messy then so be it, no one protected you so you would do whatever it took.

His hand started to trail down, his eyes following as he looked at the scars decorating your legs. Bullet holes, stab wounds and your own creations stretched all over your skin like an abstract art piece. There was a time you were ashamed of the scars and some days your still are. It was one night with Trish that made you appreciate them. You, her and Jessica were all drunk. Sitting in the blondes high end apartment as you discussed her latest heart break. It was a warmer summer day and after so much time spent in the snow, warm seemed like you were standing right next to the sun itself. You sat on Trish’s couch in a torn sports bra and ragged gym shorts. The two women weren’t strangers to your scars, it was only a few years ago you were sent to kill Jessica, but now you were comfortable with them. Living in peaceful bliss for a few short moments. Trish was asking about the scars again and as you explained each one she made a comment about how beautiful they were. She spoke of how your skin was a story, living history of what you’ve survived. Those words still live with you and you can’t help but believe them even in your darkest times.

With a small thud Billy dropped to his knees, one hand on your hip and the other on your thigh. He started playing with the scars, tracing them like they were lines in a colouring book. You watched him curiously as he drew patterns with his finger against the tissue, a small smile gracing your face. Billy Russo was a ex-special forces Marine, a Lieutenant with nearly 150 confirmed kills, a foster kid who rose to the top and is now a CEO of one of New York’s most prestigious security services, but here right now he was just Billy. Not your boss or your superior, but your friend. It made you realise he didn’t hate you, he wasn’t mad at your for lying or for not coming to him with your troubles. He was mad at the people who did this to you, who hurt you in unimaginable ways that seemed like mere fiction to him. He had seen wars and battles, watched the men he called his brothers die and so had you. Very different experiences yet your lives were so similar that it made you wonder if that’s why you connected so well.

Without warning his lips pressed against one of the scars. His lips were warm and the feeling was welcome. He moved to the next one and repeated the action, pressing his attention to every scar he could find. His hands wrapped around your thighs and you felt small in his grasp. Once he had finished his ministrations he looked up at you, eyes pleading.

“Come to me, I don’t care what it is. I need you to let me help you. I don’t get attached, I can’t because everyone leaves. My mum left me at a first station, the Castle’s died and now Frankie’s gone again too. Please let me help you, I need you”

With parted lips you looked down at the man before you. On his knees practically worshipping you, begging for you. You went to respond but the door opening pulled you both out of your thoughts. Without thinking Billy had sprung to his feet, head snapping towards the door. A nurse walked in and for a moment you panicked. That was until you were met with Claire’s gentle eyes and warm smile. You let a breath you didn’t know you were holding and walked over to Claire, letting her take you in her arms.

“Normally we’d keep you under observation for a few more days, but because of your… history I think it’s better if we let you go. Do you have somewhere safe to stay? I know Luke and Danny have set up a few safe houses if you need”

As you pulled away from Claire you pondered the option. Not before you turned back to Billy, tear stained cheeks and messy hair. You hadn’t noticed he’d been crying. He looked so different from the man you knew, the put together guy who was strong and took no shit was now a mess all because of you. Turning back to Claire you smiled gently.

“It’ll be okay, I’ve got a place. Days like this I’m glad I work for a security company. Plus I think it’s best if I stay with Billy”

You gestured to the man behind you and Claire followed, looking at him. As she focused her attention back on you heard shuffling, looking over your shoulder you saw Billy turning around, staring out the window to try and give you a sense of privacy.

“That’s your boss? Wow, I know you said he was good looking but god. You sure know how to pick them huh Huntress?”

Huntress, the name the media had given you. While your face was known to the public your name wasn’t and you preferred it stay that way. The name wasn’t clever in any shape or form, but then again what New York vigilante had a smart moniker? Daredevil, Spider-Man, Moonknight, the other Spider-Man, Power Man and so on so forth. The papers or reporters were not clever with the titles they gave to the unofficial heroes that protected New York, you just wished you weren’t lumped in with them. With one last smile Claire walked out, allowing you to change before you got discharged.

“Shit…”

You turned round to Billy who was now sitting on the bed, watching you intently. You had looked through the bag Jessica brought you and they had forgotten a change of clothes. The only other outfit you had was the one that was bloodstained and had a rather noticeable tear in it from the bullet.

“What is it?”

You turned to face him, his eyes still red and puffy. It made your heart flutter, you know it shouldn’t but there was something so exciting in being cared for. Knowing that Billy cried because of you, because he cared? It made you giddy like a school girl asked to the prom.

“Jessica and Trish forgot to pack me some spare clothes”

Billy looked at you, not saying anything as if he were still in though. As he launched up he looked down at you a small smile creeping cross his face. He didn’t say anything as he left the room. You had no idea what he was up to but you hoped it wouldn’t be anything too long as you didn’t have it in you. Turns out after not getting shot at for 3 years it takes a lot out of you once you finally do get a bullet tearing through your flesh again. Sighing, you took a seat on the bed and laid down. As you splayed yourself out like a starfish you gazed at the ceiling. Imagining the plain white sky was replaced with the darkness and a million stars. It was one thing you despised about the city, air pollution causing the stars to be hidden. You missed them, astronomy was the only area of science you were good at. In a way you thought the stars were yours, the night sky was this special thing you loved back in the Red Room. It was your secret and the stars would sing songs for you.

Around five minutes had passed before Billy had come back up. In his hands he held a shirt and what looked to be gym shorts. He held them out to you and you took them, turning them over in your hands.

“I had a spare change of clothes in my car from a training session I ran the other day. Better then nothing, they’ll be a little big but at least you won’t be in nothing”

You stood up from the bed, placing the clothes down before taking the time to untie the hospital gown. Billy hadn’t had time to process what was happening before you stood in front of him in nothing but cotton panties. His gaze immediately darted away. Hands covering his eyes as a string of apologies fell from his mouth. It clicked in your head that he probably wasn’t so used to casual nudity, most people in the city seeing it as taboo. In the Red Room it was common, experiments on naked girls, or your superiors watching you change. You had grown used to stripping in front of others, not caring about any insecurities you may have. As you pulled the shorts on and tied the lace as tight as you could, the shirt came next. It hung loose over your frame as Billy was both taller and bigger than you were. Stepping towards the marine, you pulled his hands away. Mumbling an apology for making him uncomfortable.

“No, none of that. I turned around because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Not because I was uncomfortable, I was used to this shit happening in the marines. I just didn’t know how’d you feel given your history and all. Fuck… I just don’t want you to think I’m going to take what I want from you and then leave you behind. I know what it’s like for that shit to happen without your consent, to be the victim and be blamed. I don’t want to ruin our… friendship because you’re scared of me”

He hesitated before saying friendship and some part of you had wished he’d said relationship. You didn’t know why. While you couldn’t deny that you were certainly attracted to Billy visually, you didn’t know if you could ever see yourself with him romantically. You looked him up and down, staring gently at his big dark eyes. He looked like a wet cat and as you walked over to him, you wrapped your arms around his waist. Pulling him into you tightly. As he returned the favour you listened to his heart beat. Gentle and slow, yet it seemed to speed up a bit as he held onto you.

“Let’s go get you discharged and go back to my place. Get you out of here and make a plan or some shit. Sound good?”

You nodded and he held out his hand which you hesitantly took. When you did it felt normal, almost domestic. You smiled inwardly and walked alongside him. As you reached the desk, he filled out your discharge paper work for you. For the first time in a while you felt yourself fully trusting a man. Something you hadn’t ever been able to do. Even in a workplace full of men who were ex-military and always joking around with you, you couldn’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop and succumb to their violence. With Billy that had never been the case, he was respectful and he engaged in conversation with you that wasn’t just small talk or filler. It was nice and as he walked you to his car now you couldn’t help but wonder what he’d be like in a relationship.

As you approached his Wraith you couldn’t help but be stunned. You knew he was wealthy, ANVIL took on all sorts of big shot clients but this was something else. Billy opened the door for you and helped you get settled, buckling you in as if you were a child. While the gesture would feel demeaning form anyone else, with Billy it felt nice. You both knew that you were made of glass yet Billy treated you with utmost care. Even before discovering your childhood. He’d treat you like you were a pristine painting, to be looked at but not to touch. Like you were worth more money than anyone could ever imagine.

As he started to drive you looked over at him, his eyes were less red and the corner of his lips formed the beginning of a smile. It felt far to simple and as your thoughts started to consume you a hand was placed in your thigh. Billy looked at you, smiling as he continued to drive through the streets of New York. His thumb rubbing the skin of your leg and you couldn’t help but melt into his touch.

“Is this a good time to mention that English isn’t actually my first language?”

The worlds fell out of you before you could even realise what was happening. Billy snuck a look at you, eyebrows raised in questioning. A sigh escaped your mouth as you explained.

“I know we’ve covered the whole I’m actually a spy for the Red Room academy who poised me as a Bolshoi dancer. They trained me to be an assassin and I’ve killed like 5000 people or whatever but it feels important to note that English isn’t my first language. I guess I didn’t mention it cause it feels embarrassing, but working for ANVIL in such a high place and fumbling over my words would just be too much for me. Russian is my first language, then it goes French, Latin, Mandarin, Italian, Greek, Spanish, Afrikaans, Dutch, Irish, Japanese, Somali, Arabic, Punjabi, Portuguese and then English”

You finished speaking, a sliver of your Russian accent slipping through. In an attempt to calm yourself you took his hand in your own, playing with his fingers like a child. You had never really gotten the chance to be a kid so some of your behaviours were regressive in that sense. A small chuckle escaped Billy’s lips and you looked at him, eyes wide like a deer.

“Come to think of it I have noticed small errors when looking over some files you’ve given me. I always just assumed you were tired or it was because you’re autistic and you didn’t process it correctly. Look, native speaker or not, your english is damn good. For someone who speaks 16 languages it’s impressive that you can pass as a native”

He smiled at you, teeth on full display as it spread across his face. You always loved when he smiled like this. He wasn’t trying to be the suave CEO or the charming guy you’d hook up with in a bar, he was just himself. Free of the confines of his work persona and acting like he was free. You went to speak again but Billy had interrupted you.

“And for the record, you belong at ANVIL more then any other of my guys. You were one of the first people I hired after it really kicked off and the company wouldn’t survive without you. Now after learning all that shit I think you belong there more then I do. The things you survived to get where you are? Not everyone could come through that”

If only he realised how true his words were.

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