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des-no9 · 5 months

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Philautia for the meme!

Sorry it took me so long to answer this but here we go :>

Questions taken from OC questions on the seven forms of love

Philautia – Vanquish and Self Love

Does your OC have a healthy sense of their own worth and value? Or do they see themselves as failing to live up to their original potential? Perhaps they are convinced of their own sinful or inadequate nature? Kind of... Much, much more than she used to. She's lived long enough to understand herself, her choices, actions, and their consequences. Very young after Caiphon chose her, she was always terrified of becoming her sister and what had happened to her. And she kind of in a way, did. But also got worse. I'm not sure if she really acknowledges that some of the things she's done in her life are much worse than the sins of her sister, nor can she yet put the blame of it on Nezarr who groomed and abused her for many years. She feels like much of it is just her nature. And she is right, in a way. A nature nurtured. Post BG3, she has a thousand complex views on her own self worth and value. She has confidence. Arrogance. And much of it is justified. But it won't cover those self doubts and her lacking of self worth when she realises she is now respoonsible for her own actions, desires, sins. And accepting that she doesn't necessarily want to repent for all she's done. As a side, I think this is another part of connection between her and Voss. Complex, morally grey babies who probably are more mellowed than they used to be, but why should they ever apologise or regret what they were, for look who they are now.

Does your OC believe that it is important to love themselves in the first instance? Perhaps in order to be able to give and receive love authentically? Or because they believe first and foremost in "looking after number one"? I don't think she believes that you must love yourself in order to receive or give love authentically. No. If she did, she probably never would love. Accpetance of who she is, and love for who she is, are two quite different things to Vanquish. And being truly loved despite being unable to wholly love yourself, being loved despite being broken, being loved and together understanding, unravelling, finding more worth in eachother - that's more important to Vanquish. However, love, the word, the feeling, the threat, the promise has blurred so many lines for her over her years. Sometimes unravelling it and understanding authentic love for her, is a journey in itself.

Does your OC judge themselves by the same standards as they apply to others? Or are they sometimes hypocritical in condemning others for faults they also possess? Or perhaps they find it easier to forgive others for things that they cannot abide in themselves? Vanquish judges others, absolutely. She can be hypocritical in her opinions, making them suit her. Judging others and herself differently to suit her. And on the flip, she definitely will forgive and forget others for things she wouldn't do herself. It's a very pick and choose situation for Vanquish.

Which of your OC's qualities makes them the most proud? Do they think more people should be like them in this regard? Or do they quite like being rare in possessing it? Being able to feel joy and laughter through her scars, trauma, pain, physical and mental. So I guess, her resilience and strength. Vanquish definitely thinks people should be more like her in this regard. She values overcoming adversity with strength, endurance. And can be unfairly harsh of those that struggle with it in ways she doesn't approve of or like.

Has your OC always had the same opinion of themselves or has this changed over time? Have they learned to love themselves - perhaps with the help of others - as their journey progressed? Or have the consequences of their actions only served to erode their sense of self-worth? Oh no it's definitely changed. Over her years with Nezarr he broke her down countless of times. Made, unmade her, to make her again. She's had to piece together her identity so many times over. Pulling parts from broken memories, a past self, making something that she wants to be, into who she is; pulling future to present. She is learning to love herself. She accepts herself and what she's become, maybe fondly remembering the many iterations of Vanquish over the hundreds of years that amalgam to who she is now. But beneath it all, her self worth has been eroded, because in the end, her self was eroded, over and over. Now, whoever this Vanquish is, she wants to love, finally free.

#tag: vanquish #tav: vanquish #about vanquish #ask des #des replies #otp: adilshar #thank you for asking love !!! i love talking about her so much

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laufire · 3 years

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(CW for mentions of csa)

A lot of Commonly Accepted (Often Through Uncritical Repetition) Wisdom in fandom leaves me baffled, when not straight up ticked off, but one that's been on my mind lately, that never fails to bring a scrunched up expression to my face, is the idea that Bela Talbot's backstory was some last minute add-on to her character.

You might argue that the reveal was rushed since the writers caved in and killed her off against their original plan (or at the very least, earlier than). Or that using abuse is a trite way to raise sympathy for an antagonistic character. You could even say that some of the finer details might’ve not been set in stone until they sat down to write her exist, although that one is dubious. But I’m never really going to buy that Bela’s backstory hadn’t been already planned, likely in big part.

The reason why is Season Three Episode Six, “Red Sky At Morning”, Bela’s second episode, co-written by Eric Kripke himself. As all episodes with Bela were, may I add; which means he had a hand in crafting her story from the beginning, as creator, director, and writer.

There Dean, a character that has been shown as sharp and intuitive (although his success rate ain’t that great when it comes to Bela, admittedly xD), immediately pegs her as someone with Issues TM, asking “how did she get like this”. He even taunts her by referencing her father, showing off his talent to hit where it hurts by asking if he “didn’t give her enough hugs”, ‘cause he’s classy like that. This visibly affects Bela, changing her demeanor in their conversation, from more playful to defensive. Hell, I remember during my first watch in real time this moment, especially paired with the rest of the episode, was when I first thought it was possible she came from an abusive family.

Because, c’mon. This whole episode is about parricide. The monster of the week is a ghost who haunts those that “spilled their own family’s blood”. We get two other examples: a woman whose accidental car crash killed her cousin, and two brothers who killed their father for the inheritance. Clearly, the ghost doesn’t have a narrow criteria when it comes to means or culpability -which makes sense given his particular story: he was tried for treason and his brother, the captain of the ship, issued the sentence.

And just as we find out this information... Bela sees the ghost ship that foretells her death. This, paired with the insinuations about an unsavvory past and her discomfort at the mention of her father, aren’t a wealth of information, but they start to paint a picture. We now know for a fact that Bela caused the death of at least one relative (mom and dad); that she wouldn’t have needed to do it directly (she made a crossroads deal); and that she might’ve had a sympathetic motive (her father sexually abused her and her mother turned a blind eye).

That scene offers some more tidbits of information about her past that seem too in tune with 3x15 to be coincidental, and that absolutely break my heart: Bela’s “You wouldn’t understand. No one did.“ and “I’ll just do what I’ve always done. I’ll deal with it myself”. See, I always thought Bela must’ve told people, when she was a kid. That she reached out for help not just to her mother, but to everyone around her that she thought could’ve help: teachers, maybe even law enforcement; adults that should’ve being worthy of that trust and protected her. Except no one did (and the fact that her family seemed to be not only very rich but influential paints a very bleak picture that surely contributed to her cynic view of the world). So she took matters in her own hands, and sold her soul for ten years of relative safety and freedom from her abusers.

To tie it all up, her final scene in that episode offers some more moments that again, are very in line with her backstory. We see how she treats relationships as transactionals: she pays ten grand to the Winchesters for saving her life, like she paid with her soul. Dean, again, draws attention to her likely messed up past by calling her damaged, and she replies that “takes one to know one”. Terrible childhood, ammirite. The show wasn’t been subtle here: it’s telling us Bela has a terrible past, like the Winchesters do, but of a different kind that has resulted in a different kind of person. So yeah, I think all the facts were hinted at back in 3x06.

We could go even futher back and point out 3x03, Bela’s introduction. One of the very first things she says in the show, during her first face to face with Dean (a character that just condemned his soul to Hell), is “We’re all going to Hell, Dean. Might as well enjoy the ride”. Sure, it could be an incredibly fortuitous coincidence; as a writer, I’ve had those and they’re damn great. But it seems VERY lucky, and more likely to be a case of the kind premeditated, well-placed foreshadowing that Kripke excels at.

So, okay. I’ve established why I think Bela’s backstory wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. But why is there a notable narrative in fandom that it IS?

First thing first, I want to get something out of the way: you don’t have to like it even if it was planned ahead. I understand it’s a very thorny subject, and to make matters worse, it’s inherently tied to her death. You might even be fine with the what, but not with how it was dealt with (although personally, I appreciate that neither the abuse nor her death were shown onscreen. In fact, the worse violence we see Bela on the receiving end of in her run is Dean’s threats and manhandling, which seems like a very purposeful choice ngl. Even Gordon freaking Walker was gentler lmao).

But I do disagree with some extended fandom opinions on the topic, and I guess that’s what the post is about. For one, I don’t see how the show “condemned” or morally judged Bela in this scenario. If anything, they clearly wanted to make her sympathetic, AND they showed Dean as being in the wrong by robbing him of information. Dean’s opinion on Bela couldn’t count for shit, for once, because he didn’t have the full picture; because Bela had deemed him UNWORTHY of the full picture, and thus anything he had to say on her couldn’t be taken at face value (except this is Supernatural, so I guess this was a little too much to ask of some people?). I think saying that just because Bela died and went to Hell as a consequence of her deal, IN THE SAME SEASON the same happened to our co-lead, because the writers deemed her evil and irredeemable is simplistic at best, and the audience projecting their own feelings (or being unable to see past Dean’s) onto the writing.

All that said, to go back to the initial point of all of this xD: WHY does fandom seem to insist on viewing this narrative choice as some cheap last minute addition?

There might not be one explanation that fits all, but I have a few ideas. One is that, if this wasn’t planned for and hinted at from early on, some people might feel as if this “absolves” them of their previous (and disgustingly hateful and misoginistic) reactions to Bela. Others will see this as absolving Dean, and maybe even Sam to a lesser extent, for not helping her and for being callous towards her; if her tragic backstory was this artificial, rushed choice made by Those Writers, then Dean wasn’t responsible for reprehensible attitudes towards someone who deserved his compassion (and it can’t be denied that this fandom loves absolving Dean of responsibility lmao). And a lot people are probably only repeating what they've heard from others as the accepted narrative, especially those that didn't even watch all of s3 if at all (Castiel is my fave too, but seriously, s1-3 are worth it).

It’s like they’re creating this imaginary separation between Bela pre-reveal, and Bela post-reveal, to make the situation easier to themselves. See, Bela pre-reveal was this annoying bitch who inconvenienced and embarrassed our leads (not to mention dared have chemistry with them), and thus deserved to be punished for it; or, if we’re going with more modern fandom sensibilities, she can be made to fit into the shallow #GirlBoss mold, with a side of “Secretly A Lesbian And Therefore Not A Romantic Threat” flavour -the current preferred method to make controversial female characters more palatable.

The reveal throws a wrench into this narrative. “Bitch who deserves her comeuppance” is a hard sell when you’re talking about a character who survived csa. And a shallow #GirlBoss reading doesn’t work if you have to acknowledge that Bela was one of, if not the most tragic characters in the entire run of Supernatural.

She spent over half her life at the mercy of her abuser(s), hurt by those who should’ve loved her and protected her most. The rest of her life was extremely lonely, with seemingly only a cat as company, and a surface-level freedom that hid under the sentence that loomed over her head. She died without a single friend, or a simple show of kindness and compassion, without anyone bothering to fight for her. And then she ended up tortured for who knows how long until she became one of her torturers.

All of that is extremely difficult to digest. And when things are hard to swallow, people do as people do, and they try to simplify them. So, sure. Bela’s reveal wasn’t ever hinted at, it’s completely removed from her character and the person we met, and is not even worth trying to fit into the narrative. Sounds easy.

#talking to the void #my thoughts #spn thoughts #supernatural #bela talbot #bitter lau tag #fandom nonsense #spn 3x15 #spn 3x06 #spn s3

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dazais-guardian-angel · 3 years

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Hot take: Bakugou's character wouldn't survive if not for the one he kept abusing all his life. 90% of his character revolves around his victim and yet the fandom paints him as this super developed, fleshed out character when in reality he'd never be anything bigger than a side character if not for Deku.

Also the concequences he supposedly received are just him being teased or not getting the win he wanted, no being kidnapped doesn't count, he literally got away with his shit while even been treated like a victim and the privilege to know something about Deku that isn't any of his business. And now because he sacrificed himself that one time the fandom acts like Izuku owes his ass anything. It's disgusting.

I have given up on him actually being half the decent character ppl make him out to be and the fandom reaction to him makes me hate him even more.

He's not complex, he's just a pretty boy, asshole archetype who gets nicer and has some more cooperative and ppl love to eat that shit up while making up stuff for him. He changes but he's doesn't change for what matters and definitely pales in comparison to other characters who are better written than him.

(holy shit, did they remove the character limit on asks?? omg a GODSEND)

Well yeah, if it weren’t for Izuku and how he treats Izuku he wouldn’t have anything to improve from; people only think he’s developed because he no longer outright bullies him and “””worries””” (I say in heavy quotes) about him, and “reflects” on how he treated him even though he.......... comes to the absolute wrongest, most idiotic conclusions imaginable, that put the brunt of the excuses on Izuku instead of himself, but Toshinori validates him because Horikoshi has made Toshi into Bakugou’s uwu stan and stan of the two boys’ “friendship” (completely ignoring the fact that THIS KID FOR TEN YEARS BULLIED HIS SON). He’s basically already been devolved to acting like a side character for a long time now, with his funny anger quirk pun partly intended that’s just treated like a joke at this point, just like everyone else’s character quirks, even though it would be far more interesting for him to, you know. actually get some therapy and learn to calm himself and become an actual pleasant person to be around. But that’s not what makes him “funny”, that’s not him, according to most people, so he’s always going to stay like this, a boring angry pomeranian who flies off the handle at everything for no reason, who has done the absolute bare minimum of “changing”, which makes him a perfect character in everyone’s eyes.

“He changes but doesn’t change for what matters” pretty much sums up the problem with him in a nutshell, and is the exact reason he frustrates me so much, that I’ve ranted about plenty before. Bakugou has never been viewed through the lens of a bully, an abuser, he was never set up to be that, at least not realistically, and so his development hasn’t happened in accordance with that setup either, and people don’t have a problem with it and actively praise it because the manga actively downplay(ed)s the severity of that origin story. People can ignore the reality of how seriously traumatic being bullied for ten years of your childhood, verbally and physically would be, and how seriously and with such sensitivity such a relationship and character arc must be handled, because aside from the very first chapter when Izuku and Bakugou are still in middle school, really, with the “take a swan dive off the roof” comment and others, it’s never focused on in that way ever again; ever since, it’s just been treated as a typical anime “rivalry”, that both of them need to better themselves to overcome. The story and teachers say “the two of them are so alike but they just keep missing each other; if they just made up for each others’ weaknesses and understood that they both want the same thing, they’d be stronger together!”, and Izuku HIMSELF tries so hard to reach through to Bakugou, always still considering him his friend, always feeling like he’s the one equally at fault for their relationship being as rocky as it is, when BAKUGOU!!! FUCKING!!! BULLIED HIM!!! FOR TEN YEARS. bullied a DISABLED CHILD, which again, as a disabled person who relates to Izuku and how he felt about his quirklessness, feelings that continue to affect him even long after he gets a quirk because of how he was treated when he was younger, is DEEPLY unsettling to me. You CANNOT read/watch MHA without the metaphor of quirklessness = disabled being very apparent, and so that makes Bakugou’s bullying and how it is so utterly glossed over and purposefully forgotten a hundred times more disturbing and aggravating than it already is! If this were any other shounen rivalry then yes, it could be resolved with effort from both parties, because both parties have their own personal reasons for why they have trouble getting along with the other, and the fun is watching to see how they will overcome those, but Izuku and Bakugou were never on an equal playing field to begin with; this is a bullying story, with its victim trying desperately to win over and befriend his abuser, when he owes him absolutely NOTHING and has a BOATLOAD of unresolved issues thanks to said bullying, with no outside help from adults for either of them because none of them are acknowledging it as fucking bullying. I guarantee you that if the manga went into much more painful, bleak detail and showed many more flashbacks of how Izuku was treated by Bakugou in the past, and then still continued with the “development” he’s had since, people would be unable to ignore it like they can now, and it would make all of them extremely uncomfortable like it does those of us now who already dislike him. Hori himself has said he doesn’t understand why Bakugou is so popular, but he’s able to just continue as he does with him because no one is complaining, and because he said he regrets making him so awful in the beginning, as if that magically makes it disappear as much as it already has in 90% of the fandom’s collective mind. You wanna know an actual good manga that also deals with a bully of a disabled child growing and improving himself and forming a close relationship with his former victim? A Silent Voice. Such a journey is long, and hard, and it is painful, with many ups and downs and many nasty, hateful, guilt-filled, depression-filled feelings from both sides, along with from other characters who either also partook in the bullying, were bystanders to it who did nothing, or were indirect victims as well. The bully is bullied himself after what he does, and then grows up nearly suicidal, closing himself off and struggling to be social and make new friends because he doesn’t know how and doesn’t entirely feel like he deserves it (and the story notably doesn’t go the route of “he was abused too at home and so that’s why he bullied”), and tries and fails many times to make amends with the person he hurt before he finally is at peace with himself and everyone; the victim, meanwhile, drowns in continued guilt and suicidal feelings over feeling like she’s a burden to others, both from her disability and from watching all the infighting and victim blaming and finger pointing that ensues between her old classmates when all of the nasty emotions are brought back to the surface, along with dealing with budding romantic feelings for her past bully when he genuinely starts being kind towards her and making an effort to connect with her. ASV is entirely about this complex narrative, it’s able to dedicate everything it has to telling this story tactfully and with all the time and attention it needs. MHA, meanwhile, is a shounen battle manga, and so it was never going to do this narrative and Bakugou’s arc justice, even though I honestly think it could have if Hori really wanted to, because Izuku and Toshinori’s relationship has such masterfully subtle and touching emotions and care, at least early on; Horikoshi knows how to write good, subtle character arcs. I’m not asking for something ASV level, of course not, when the series has so many other things it has to juggle. I just wanted Bakugou to be treated as exactly what he is: a former bully, who can be taught, and learn, and reflect, and change, and become a better, more humble, more interesting person, and actually become someone worthy of all the praise and love he gets, not only for Izuku’s sake, but for his own, as well. They don’t excuse his actions in the slightest, but it’s still undeniable that Bakugou himself is a victim of how the adults in his life have treated him and raised his own expectations of himself, giving him the crippling insecurity issues he has, and that they continue to harm him (and Izuku) by simply letting him continue to go on angrily the way he does, instead of getting him help and some therapy in order for him to change and heal from things like being kidnapped by villains (which is no small thing to go through!! on top of his guilt over Toshinori’s final battle!) and becoming a better person to the one he hurt in the past, and it all just makes me so sad, not because I’m all “uwu poor Bakugou”, but just cause his character deserves better, as a person he deserves better, just like Izuku deserves better than everything he’s gone through because of him. This is all just a very long-winded way of agreeing with you OP that yes, none of Bakugou’s “punishments” for his behavior mean anything because he’s punished as a rival student who needs to humble himself in order to get along with his friend he doesn’t like, not as a former(??) bully who needs to be separated from his victim. The bar is set so low, was never set where it should be, and so absolutely no progress to “better himself” Bakugou makes either will mean anything, as long as it’s never acknowledged that he needs to make amends as a bully and abuser.

#my hero academia #boku no hero academia #my meta #replies #'i've ranted about this in-depth so many times; I'll keep it brief this time' I say #3 hours later:#every fucking time #the bakugou salt will never go away #and never will I cease being disturbed and disgusted by just how easily the fandom glorifies his development #and glosses over the reality of what he's done #'izuku has forgiven him so it's fine' IZUKU 👏 IS 👏 A VICTIM 👏 HIS WORDS 👏 MEAN NOTHING #HE IS BIASED TOWARDS BAKUGOU BECAUSE OF HIS LOW SELF-ESTEEM #AND HE HAS NEVER THOUGHT THERE WAS ANYTHING TO FORGIVE #AS LONG AS HE BELIEVES THAT THERE HAS BEEN NO IMPROVEMENT ON BAKUGOU'S END #god that scrapped cover concept of middle school Bakugou spitting blood makes me so fucking mad #'look it symbolizes that his old self is dead' THEN PROVE THAT HE'S ACTUALLY LEARNED ANYTHING #PROVE IT TO /IZUKU/#MAKE AMENDS AND APOLOGIZE THE WAY ONE SHOULD #Anonymous

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linkspooky · 4 years

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Akaza and Doma - BFFS

Akaza and Doma are the only two of the upper moons with any kind of relatoinship to each other, namely in how much Akaza despises Doma, and how despite that Doma pretends to be his friend. For both of them it’s more like a hollow imitation of a connection than any genuine feelings between them. That being said, despite the fact they have no true feelings for one another the characters are heavily connected in story. They may not be best friends forever, but they are best foils forever. The reason Doma and Akaza could never get along is because they both believe the same thing, that there is nothing enjoyable about life and no meaning in continuing to live. The difference is Akaza had the love that made his life meaningful and lost it, whereas Doma never had any to begin with and has no idea those feelings even exist.

Which is why despite the fact that they do not get along, the two of them complement each other. They were made for each other in fact. Made to reflect each other. LET’S TAKE A LOOK UNDER THE CUT.

1. Akaza Lost Everything

Both Doma and Akaza believe that their lives are primarily meaningless. However, they come to this conclusion through completely opposite paths. They both live empty lives, but Akaza attempts to fill that emptiness with pursuing strength whereas Doma just embraces that emptiness. Which is why Akaza needs to reject Doma, because he is a reminder of the emptiness Akaza is constantly running away from.

We see this in Akaza’s introduction and his fight with Rengoku. He is absolutely baffled why Rengoku would choose to die, when he could live forever and become stronger. Akaza believes when someone dies, something is lost that cannot be replaecd. For him life is meaningless because it is fleeting, but once again as I will get to later this comes from Akaza’s feelings after having lost everything. Even his own memories of what he lost are gone at the moment.

Akaza is someone who cannot appreciate the beauty of life the same way Rengoku can, because he is unable to live with the losses. Akaza’s idea of strength is basically a child’s idea, being so strong you never lose and die, being so absolute in your strength that nobody can take anything with you. However as Rengoku says that’s not true strength. What Akaza has is a tremendous weakness and cowardice, because he is so afraid of losing things he cannot go on. Unlike the people who are individually crawling out of the wrekcage of the train but still trying to survive, no matter how physically strong he is he lacks the will to try and live with the losses like those people.

Akaza’s vew of the world itself is rather black and white. Remember, he is essentially a stunted child who lost everything when he was on the precipice of growing up, and then was taken advantage of and forced to stay immortally in that state forever. His mind has stagnated for years so it makes sense that he cannot be at the same level of maturity that Rengoku is.

Akaza’s view of the world is so simple, the strong ones, and the chosen ones are the ones who find happiness. Those who are not strong, or chosen, will lose everything.

Therefore it’s impossible for someone to attain happiness if they are weak. Once again, Akaza’s ideas are centered around the fact that if he personally was strong enough he would never lose anything, and also the pre-supposed idea that he should have been strong enough to protect what he had before. This is a mindset that does not allow himself to cope with the loss in any way. There’s no healing, there’s no forgiving himself for not being strong enough, all he can do is continue to lose.

The pursuit of strength that drives him is ultimately empty. He has long forgotten why he wants to be stronger. He lost his reasons the moment he lost everybody he wanted to protect, but beyond that it’s because Akaza could never accept those losses in the first place. Because he sees everything as coming down to strength in the end, he cannot accept that sometimes bad things happen. There are some situations where you cannot help but lose things no matter how strong you are. However, Akaza clings to the idea of his own strength because he has nothing left. He wants to fight, because otherwise he would be a weak man who has lost everything, prolonging a life he does not even want to live anymore.

Akaza takes far too much personal responsibility for everything. Even though he’s a child just trying to survive in a cruel system, he blames his fathers illness, and his inability to help his own father on himself. If only he were stronger, than he would not be suffering this way, that is the narrative Akaza has clung to his entire life.

Akaza also has a pattern where he continually wants to suffer to protect the people that he loves, but he does not understand at all that the people who love him would never wish this pain on him. As it’s shown in the flashback, Akaza’s father told his son to live, but Akaza himself doesn’t understand his father’s wishes and says he would have endured any kind of beating for his father’s sake.

Genuinely in his heart, all Akaza wants to do is live for the people that he loves. At the same time he cannot do that, because the people he loves also love him in return and would never wish to see him suffer in that way.

It’s important to remember Akaza had almost no agency from a young age. That he was continually forced to deal with being poor, having absolutely no secure household, being homeless, basically no control over his own life at all adn always being at the mercy of adults. The reason Akaza cannot stand the feelings of weakness is because he’s been made to feel weak his entire life.The reason he wants strength is he wants the security he does not have.

The difference between Akaza and Doma is that Akaza was shown the love Doma never even received, and was given a chance to heal. In a way though that made him worse, because after coming back from losing everything he was forced to endure losing everything again. Which is why they both came to the same conclusion, that their life is worthless and empty. That they meant nothing in the end.

Akaza lost everything in a situation out of his control, so he took that to mean if he had strength he would have the agency that was taken from him as well. However once again, they were killed in a poisoning incident, not a fist fight. What Akaza cannot stand is that he will one day lose people. The idea of losing people makes any kind of connection he tries to form meaningless, and he thinks the promises he made those people were all lies.

Which is another common point between Akaza and Doma. Despite the fact that they find their lives to be empty and don’t want to live, they keep on prolonging their lives, and it only makes the wounds in them worse and fester. Because they themselves cannot accept what is lost within them, what they are missing.

When Akaza says he hates weak people, he comes to the realization what he hated was his own weak self who could never do anything for the people he loved. That he could not go on living without them, or try to follow the words they left behind. He believes everything he did in life was a waste, and he broke all the promises he made to other people.

However to the people who loved him in his life, Akaza’s own promises were not meaningless. The love he had for them did not go to waste. They accept him, even after he became a demon, even after he died. There love for him did not go away. It’s not gone, even if it’s lost.

That acceptance of his loss, instead of continually trying to fight against himself to prove that he’s not weak is what finally allows Akaza to return to his old self. What gives him the love he so desperately needs is not a show of strength, but rather a show of weakness which is where his true feelings reside.

Which is again, yet another similarity between Doma and Akaza. They both act very childish, proud, and arrogant on the surface but they themselves despite all of their flashiness are weak, damaged people who live their entire lives trying to cover up and deny this weakness.

However they are opposites in their ends, as Akaza always had a home to go back to, whereas Doma never had those things in the first place and never acquired them in life.

2. Doma has Nothing

Specifically what seems to bother Akaza about Doma’s behavior is how he pretends to care about other people. Especially since Akaza himself is driven deep down at heart, by how much he cares about and wants to love and be loved in return by the people in his life. The genuine connections he made to people and how deep his feelings, and also his wounds run have always been Akaza’s strongest trait. It’s because he cared so much about others, that the loss of them was like losing a part of himself, his eyes, or his heart, or one of his limbs. It’s a wound he can never heal from, only let it rot forever.

Which is why Doma pretending to care about other people would be such an affront to him. Doma just plays around with the emotions that drive Akaza the most.

However, Doma and Akaza’s ideologies when they are the demon slayers are almost identical. They both believe that because death exists, because suffering in life exists and loss ther is no meaning in life. However, Akaza came to feel that way after he was dehumanized in his life over and over again. Whereas, Doma never had those connections from the start. Never in his life was he treated as a human.

I don’t think people take seriously what a dehumanizing environment being raised in a cult is. Despite the fact that Akaza was smart enough to realize that his parents were using him, he was still an abuse victim that was taken advantage of by his parents. He was still a child who was used over and over again. The reason Doma feels no genuine feelings is because he’s had several adults since he was born, always place their worries on a mere child.

Doma literally even says that he constantly had other people’s emotions dumped on him when he was a kid. People don’t realize how formative the development of children is, you cannot learn to develop healthy emotions of your own if your emotions are not treated as valid by the adults around you in your life. Doma is not a born sociopath, he’s stunted emotionally and egocentric like a child. The exact same way that Akaza clings to his childish belief that if he was stronger all the misery in the world would go away, Doma clings to the belief that none of the misery in the world matters because everybody is going to end up dead in the end. This is once again, both of them trying to cope with a reality that foisted everything upon them and denied them continually any humanity at all when they were both children.

Akaza and Doma both became demons as a result of nobody in their life treating them as a human, or if they did in Akaza’s case he lost those people. They were continually dehumanized by the environment around them.

Doma knows his parents are using him, but he still clearly is reacting to being raised in that environment. Despite the fact that he does not believe in the cult, his entire life is centered around the cult because there is really nothing else for him. He was shown no other way of living, just used by selfish parents and abandoned.

It’s not that he has those feelings, it’s that Doma has never been shown anything genuine. ANd by the time he was an adult he stopped looking for the genuine thing believing it no longer existed. What Doma wants is what everyone else has, and the same thing Akaza wanted. They both wanted to live in this world to connect, to have something that made their lives feel less empty.

Neither of them want to be demons at all. They want to be human, they want to feel what everyone else has. However, Doma was constantly dehumanized by his own parents, and raised in a dehumanizing cult and Akaza lived in a world that dehumanized the poor and crimminals for just trying to survive.

Doma believing that the bonds between other people have no meaning at all, is a response to that. He wants to feel what everybody else does, but he cannot. Therefore, he chooses to believe that the feelings of other people are empty because the alternative is admitting that he is empty and lived his life for nothing. The same as Akaza, who believved that other people besides him were weak because he did not want to admit his own weakness.

What they both want is a child’s view of the world. Doma wants a world where nobody is suffering and nobody feels pain, and believes that only the emptiness of death absolves these things. Akaza wants a world where he is so strong he never has to endure any loss at all. However, what both of them are unable to do is simply keep on living as people. They are unable to live as people in a world with loss, in a world that is frigid and sometimes lonely, and so they choose to live on as demons instead.

When Doma accuses other people of never having a happy moment in their lives, he’s really just talking about himself.

What Doma is doing here is playing the part of a fictional villain. He’s responding to an irrational world by using a narrative. If he is a villain, if he’s an evil monster in a story book then he’s no longer a person. He doesn’t have to feel like he’s inferior to everyone else, that he’s missing something.

Doma’s death is even sadder beacuse we learn that both of his parents were only in his life to take advantage of him, and exitting his life he could not feel anything for the two people who did not love him in the first place. Doma doesn’t feel sad or lonely, because he was never shown the opposite in the first place, there was never a point where he felt happy, when he was accepted by someone.

Doma points out that he could try to keep living, but unlike Akaza who accepted his death Doma just sort of doesn’t care enough about being alive to even try. It’s not the afterlife for Doma that’s empty, it’s life itself.

Unlike Akaza he had no home. For him, nothing was gained and nothing was lost. However his last request even to Shinobu shows that what him and Akaza wanted was the same thing all along. Just one single connection, proof that they were alive, that they mattered to someone. They both wanted to become human again through the connections they had with other people.

#akaza #doma #kimetsu no yaiba #kny meta #kimetsu no yaiba meta #upper moon #upper moon demons #kimetsu no yaiba theory #kimetsu no yaiba analysis #meta

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monstersdownthepath · 4 years

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Deity: Iai-Cophleal, the Scarred Diviner

Lawful Evil Outer God of Destiny, Agony, and Sacrifice

Domains: Evil, Knowledge, Magic, Rune, Void Subdomains: Velstrac, Education, Memory, Rites, Legislation, Dark Tapestry Favored Weapons: Scalpel (dagger) Symbol: An eye with three scars trailing down its surface; or hand with its fingers curled inwards towards an eye in its palm. Sacred Animals: None Sacred Colors: Purple, red

BIG WARNING: This deity deals a lot in the concepts of torture and self-harm. Do not read further if you are sensitive to either topic.

What would you give to know?

What price would you pay to understand?

What sacrifices would you make to achieve enlightenment?

How much are you willing to suffer to get what you want?

The core belief in the faith if the Scarred Diviner is that all progress requires sacrifice, that one can never gain without giving. The alien god holds fast to his belief that pain, fear, loss, and death are the greatest motivators for change and adaptation, and that many of the greatest creations or steps forward in mortal history have been achieved in the throes of deep and piercing agony. It is through this suffering that all have learned, and it is through yet more than he will teach.

He is the guardian of knowledge against the unworthy, those who’d sacrifice nothing, who’ve never known suffering, and those who’d never pay the price themselves. Such creatures will find themselves unwelcome in the Diviner’s flock, unable to hear anything but his barest whispers and scraps of knowing, because while they can torment as many helpless victims as they want in his name, it’s the victims themselves that gain the greatest insights into the truths of the cosmos and receive his greatest blessings. They are the ones paying, after all.

The Scarred Diviner can be called cruel, sadistic, or callous, but he is fair. Knowledge belongs to those who pay for it. And the more you give, the more you get.

The Scarred Diviner is something of an anomaly among Outer Gods, registering and interacting with mortal life on a scale even their comparatively diminutive minds can understand. He does not see them as insects to be exterminated or ignored; indeed, he does not view them as insignificant at all. Perhaps to the greatest among their kind--Yog-Sothoth, Azathoth, and Shub-Nishurath--mortal life is little more than dust, but to the Diviner, their capacity for change under pressure (Outer Gods rarely change or experience pressure) is an absolutely fascinating phenomena, one he has studied ever since there was life to study.

In a universe filled with suffering, going out of your way to inflict yet more upon yourself to gain strength through adversity is a blessed act to the Diviner, an act that must be rewarded. His faith is thus filled with people covered in ritualistic scars and bearing the signs of self-inflicted tortures and dismemberment, who perform excruciating experiments upon themselves and each other in an attempt to commune with and please their lord. The screaming of nerves, burning of muscles, creaking and cracking of bones, and tearing of flesh is sometimes referred to as “his voice” or “his song,” and those who ‘hear’ it long enough begin to receive flashes of divine inspiration and instruction, visions of the future or of steps they must undertake to reach their goals, answers to the questions that plague them or instructions on how to find them, or even the keys to obtaining divine magic.

As one discovers and surpasses the limits to the agonies they can feel, eventually their bodies will simply no longer respond to their self-inflicted tortures, and the Diviner’s song begins to fade from them. Most turn to restorative magic to fix their most grievous injuries and heal dead nerves, but the fact of the matter is that, eventually, they will reach a point where they feel pain, but no longer suffer. While many would consider such a state to be ‘perfect,’ believing that all the weakness has been carved from their bodies, those used to feeling the song coursing through them and those who still need answers may grow desperate to feel again. The former is difficult to satisfy, the supplicants often ending up destroying themselves in the search for more exotic means of self-torment, but the latter is thankfully rectified by the fact that the Diviner cares little who is paying his price, so long as someone is.

Within the faith, members who’ve scoured their bodies to the point of numbness often work through proxies. Initiates who long to hear the voice of the Diviner, practiced members who need to learn more, poor fools stolen from the streets or their beds, it matters not who suffers so long as there is suffering. The Diviner rewards the victim with the answers to questions they ask (or are forced to ask), the torturer-surgeon attending then extracting those answers via whatever means are at their disposal. With others in the faith, it can be as simple as asking. With stolen victims, their nerves unprepared and screaming in time with the song, are typically less likely to simply hand over what they’ve learned through their blessed suffering and may require some coercing. Of course, most will shout everything they’ve gained just to make it all stop. Alas, the intricacies of enlightenment through adversity can be lost on the uninitiated.

Rather understandably, this practice causes pockets of the Diviner’s faithful tend to veer into “sadistic torture cult” territory (and be justifiably viewed as such by polite society). He blesses those who pay his price, but the lazy and weak will often get others to pay the price for them--willingly or otherwise--and then extract the obtained knowledge from their victim without ever suffering a single papercut themselves. They go on their merry way to live a life free of suffering, never changing or facing adversity. He does not hold back when punishing those who would abuse his system; direct action is impossible for him as it is for any divine figure, but those true to his faith will quickly hunt down these “soft ones” and teach them to truly hear his song. In a similar vein, he dislikes those who torture their victims to death so that they cannot use the knowledge they’ve paid for, and will work to punish those who too often prevent the Diviner’s song from concluding properly.

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OBEDIENCE AND BOONS

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Mortals have been suffering ever since the very first birth, all of their collective knowledge driven towards the goal of minimizing and eliminating that very suffering. Abundance and safety are anathema to the Diviner, who believes that safety will lead to stagnation, that a lack of danger or threat of agony will prevent mortals from continuing to adapt. Thus, he and his flock work to assure mortalkind will keep moving forward, quietly sabotaging events on both a short- and long-term scale to prevent or subvert anything that would otherwise birth utopias or civilizations free of worry.

The majority of the Diviner’s faith are masochistic mortals either attracted by the allure of knowledge or looking for a purpose to their penchant for mortification. While individual organized cults may be more restrictive (a dislike of Constructs is especially common), the Diviner himself accepts all kinds into his flock; those of any background or species are accepted, for all beings can suffer in one way or another. His faith is especially popular among trollkind, whose regenerative abilities allow for an endless cycle of self-destruction and who can perform one of the most powerful sacred acts of the faith: gutting ones self to divine the future through one’s own entrails. This action is obviously fatal without the assistance of healing magic or major medical intervention, but the trolls can do so with almost insulting regularity and ease... Which is why the Diviner regularly demands that they escalate even further, branding their bodies and their exposed organs with fire and acid.

Velstrac who dislike the madness of their Demagogues can find curious solace in the teachings of the Diviner, turning away from the practice of endlessly butchering others to graft the most appealing parts onto themselves and instead moving towards... the practice of endlessly butchering others for the sake of teaching them. Velstrac who serve the Diviner sometimes claim to have found some corrupted equivalent to self-sacrificing enlightenment, unable to hear the Diviner for themselves due to the ruination of their bodies but eager to help others listen to his song.

As Outer Gods do not possess a dedicated Prestige Class for accelerating the power of their faithful, one can only enter the actual Evangelist, Sentinel, and Exalted Prestige Classes to obtain Boons at a much faster pace. Otherwise, they are gained at levels 12, 16, and 20. One must have the Deific Obedience feat to enter into the mentioned Prestige Classes, and entering the classes as soon as possible allows one to obtain the Boons at levels 8, 11, and 14.

Obedience: Ritualistically inflict painful wounds upon yourself or upon another living creature. These wounds are grievous and scarring, reducing the recipient’s HP maximum by 3 for the next 24 hours. The recipient must be able to survive the reduction for this ritual to succeed. Benefit: The recipient of the ritual torture selects two Knowledge skills. They gain a +4 profane bonus to checks with those skills, and are considered trained in those skills for 24 hours.

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EVANGELIST

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Boon 1: Sight And Suffering (Sp): Gain Anticipate Peril 3/day, Augury 2/day, or Inflict Pain 1/day.

Boon 2: Hear His Song (Sp): Through suffering, you shall receive the answers you seek. Once per day, you may inflict a gruesome, lengthy, and agonizing ritual upon yourself or another sapient creature that is willing or helpless. This ritual takes one hour to perform and inflicts 5 points of Constitution damage on the victim if they are a living creature. Undead take 5 points of Charisma damage; being reduced to 0 Charisma destroys them. The creature must be able to survive this affliction for the ritual to succeed. At the conclusion of this ritual, the victim asks the Diviner a single question and receives an answer to it as if they had used the spell Commune. Unlike most beings contacted with Commune, the Diviner is omniscient and is capable of answering any question that can be answered with yes, a no, or a five-word phrase. The damage from this ritual cannot be undone through any means for 24 hours.

Boon 3: Apostle of Pain (Su): In the twisted, blood-soaked dungeons of the Diviner’s most horrid faithful, creatures of great power await the call of his greatest agents, eager to show off their talents. Once per day as a full-round action, you may call an Advanced Velstrac Interlocutor to your side, which will unquestionably obey your commands. In addition to its normal retinue of spells, this Interlocutor may use both Heal and Harm 1/day. It lingers for 1 minute per HD you possess, after which it politely departs, vanishing back to its home.

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EXALTED

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Boon 1: Careful Cuts (Sp): Gain Inflict Minor Wounds 3/day, Cure Moderate Wounds 2/day, or Fractions of Heal and Harm 1/day.

Boon 2: Touch of a Surgeon (Ex/Sp): Helping your victims back on their feet (provided they still have feet) is an important step in the Diviner’s beliefs, as slaying your victims after every session is likely to anger him if it happens too often. You gain a profane bonus equal to half your HD to all Heal checks, and may treat creatures with Heal in half the normal time (a standard action is reduced to a swift action). You may treat a particular creature’s deadly wounds a number of times equal to their Constitution modifier (min 1) each day. In addition, mistakes happen; thus, you may also cast Breath of Life as a spell-like ability 1/day.

Boon 3: Tapestry of Scars (Ex): Your body bears countless terrible scars and wounds from your self-inflicted injuries, but you are not inconvenienced by them; quite the opposite, in fact. You’ve been cutting weakness and ignorance from your body for ages now, and the Diviner blesses these wounds, granting you a +2 profane bonus to your Armor Class, as well as to your Constitution score and one mental ability score of your choice.

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SENTINEL

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Boon 1: Cruel Teacher (Sp): Gain Interrogation 3/day, Blood Armor 2/day, or Excruciating Deformation 1/day.

Boon 2: Mercy in Cruelty (Ex): You know exactly where to strike to cause lethal blows... And know even better how to render a victim unconscious through agony alone, so that you may use them further later. You gain +2d6 Sneak Attack damage, stacking with any Sneak Attack damage you may already have. You may use a dagger nonlethally without suffering a penalty, and doing so allows you to use your Sneak Attack nonlethally as well. When using a dagger to deal nonlethal damage, your bonus Sneak Attack damage from this ability is raised to +4d6.

Boon 3: Tortuous Chorus (Sp): The Diviner’s song reaches a terrifying volume within you each time you suffer enough damage, a volume you cannot possibly contain within your own body. Each time you take damage equal to or exceeding 25% of your total HP from a single action (such as an attack or a full attack, a spell or spell-like ability, or an environmental hazard), you may use an immediate action to shriek out in agony, afflicting a number of creatures equal to your Constitution modifier (min 1) of your choice that are within 60ft of you with Power Word Stun. This Power Word Stun is a pain effect, rather than a compulsion and mind-affecting effect. You may use this ability a number of times each day equal to your Constitution modifier (min 1).

#torture /#body horror /#self harm /#Original Concepts

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finelythreadedsky · 4 years

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Hello! When we say 'organized religion' we really don't just mean Christianity. Organisation leads to hierarchy leads to power leads to corruption of power and corruption of spirituality itself. You are dumbing down interesting and important religious conversations by pretending all bad religious practice comes from Christians.

5 part ask, other parts and response under the read more

(2/5) (Responded to separately here) My ask about organized religion did not mean "I hate religious people". It was about power, spirituality and human nature and it's very telling that you answered me without publishing. Religious leaders of all religions across the world get caught abusing power again and again and again. It is not religion or their believers I have an issue with, it's the hierarchical structures within them that makes abuse easy. And those structures are in place in all large religions.

(3/5) Haha, I'm sorry, feel a bit stupid now, of course you get a lot of bullshit asks about this... That being said, that's great, sounds like a healthy relationship to God and community, which I think is quite common within American Judaism. But organization = hierarchy is not an inherently Christian thing, it's an inherently human thing. (Gonna send a follow up!)

(4/5) I'm not trying to argue that all religions are the same and have the same structures or values. Some, say Islam or Catholicism, are inherently more authoritarian in nature than say Judaism or Buddhism. But all religions have authoritarian versions, even Judaism, even Buddhism. Which is why we need to acknowledge and talk about it, cause not only does abuse of religious power emotionally (and sometimes physically) hurt people, it also spirituality hurts them. (Another short one coming!)

(5/5) Also I'm sorry if I came off as short from the get go! I think and care about these things quite a lot and the "you just talking about Christianity actually" thing always really gets to me, haha

first of all, and this is something that’s come up a lot in the notes of that post: I absolutely did not say that only Christianity is or should be subject to criticism. I am not pretending all bad religious practice comes from Christians. I think we all know that other religions are also subject to criticism, because we often see them criticized as a whole. Think for a minute about the number pulled on the American cultural perception of Islam in the past two decades. It’s become commonplace among certain circles to publicly condemn an entire religion with well over a billion adherents across the world as violent, regressive, and misogynist. And Judaism as a whole— well, Bill de Blasio, two weeks ago: “My message to the Jewish community, and all communities, is this simple: the time for warnings has passed.” Our culture is all too ready to criticize Islam and Judaism very broadly and tends to paint other religions with a very broad brush as well. I’d appreciate it if we could flip the script a little and subject Christianity as a whole to a fraction of that scrutiny that other religions receive.

What I did say and what I meant is that it is critical to avoid overgeneralization and that I would like it if people would, when making criticisms of religion, take a minute to ask themselves whether their criticism really does apply to ALL ‘organized’ religions and whether they have enough experience with EVERY religion that falls into the category of ‘organized’ to make broad statements about them. If you have not studied or interacted with pretty much every religious group on the face of the earth, you are not qualified to make statements about ‘organized’ religion. Very often I find that people’s broad criticisms of ‘organized religion’ are based solely on their experience with Christianity, extrapolated and assumed to be consistent with other religions. I would appreciate it if people would refrain from condemning religions about which they know nothing.

And yeah, a lot of people do think it’s a radical and progressive take to say they don’t just hate Christians but also Jews and Muslims. I would really like everyone trying to talk about ‘organized religion’ to please take another look at what they’re saying and consider whether it plays into perpetuating antisemitism, Islamophobia, and racism. Minority and marginalized religions do bear the brunt of the blame for such broad criticisms, largely because we as a culture are able to separate a person from their religion if they’re Christian (i.e. this is a person who hates women and is also Christian, they are not representative of all Christians or even of their entire religious community and their existence does not mean that Christianity hates women) but are unable to extend that courtesy to people of minority religions, especially those who are also racial or ethnic minorities.

Maybe when you say it you are applying nuanced and critical thinking about global religion, I don’t know, I don’t know who you are. But the the majority of the people who use general categories of religion in a way critical of ‘organized religion’ are taking their negative experience with Christianity and assuming that the elements of Christianity that they didn’t like (including some very serious issues) are part of being in a religious community and refuse to consider the possibility that those issues may come from being in a Christian community. For instance, many people are very negatively affected by Christian rhetoric about hell that they are exposed to as children. This rhetoric of doing good to avoid going to hell is not a factor of the community being religious, it is a factor of it being Christian. Yet many people assume that all religions share a similar view and engage in similar rhetoric and make broad criticisms of all ‘organized religion’ for that.

I would define ‘organized’ as a religion that requires multiple people, a religion that cannot be practiced (in the long term) alone. Hierarchy is not an inherent part of organization. Yes, many common ‘organized’ religions today are hierarchical or contain elements of hierarchical organization. That does not necessarily mean that every ‘organized’ religion is or must be hierarchical, and I think the common conception that religion is inherently hierarchical is a result of the cultural dominance of Christianity for the last millennium.

I took an entire course last semester interrogating the concept of ‘Abrahamic religions’ and the categorization of religion in this way. I think what I said last week holds here: our cultural concept of what a ‘religion’ is, what ‘organized’ means in terms of religion— those are defined by the cultural dominance of Christianity. And it’s by no means simple— for the last fifteen hundred years Judaism, for instance, has developed in response to Christianity (and Christianity in response to Judaism, especially earlier than that). Those historical evolutions cannot be untwined from each other, so, to a degree, modern Judaism has evolved in response to Christian definitions of what ‘organized’ means and what ‘religion’ means, sometimes internalizing and sometimes resisting those definitions, sometimes both. It is critical to religious studies to question those definitions and categorizations. Who do they benefit? What do they simplify? What do they gloss over? When are they useful, and when are they harmful?

#mine #anonymous #ask #judaism tag #as of three days ago i have also officially completed my religion minor!#and i am using it to write essay length answers to asks on this website apparently #Anonymous

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transgalthoughts · 3 years

Text

What if it was only going to be a phase, until everything else happened.

In primary school I was extensively bullied. Physically and verbally. I often ended up crying. The issue is no one gave a shit. The verbal bullying was mostly from girls, and the physical from boys. I remember once saying something back to one of the girls who frequently made me cry that made her cry, and I got chastised heavily for it by the teacher. The teacher never cared when she or any of the other girls or boys made me cry.

I was also attacked quite a lot by my brother at home who was 3 and a half years older than me. He would really beat the shit out of me sometimes, and I'd be scared for my life. I remember one time lying on my back on the floor with him pinning my arms down with his arms and his knee on my neck, my eyes slowly closing involuntarily before he decided to get off me. This all happened with other adults around and sometimes in the same room my Mum, my Dad, family friends etc. "Boys will be boys". I would sometimes beg them to help and scream that I was so scared he was gonna kill me this time but they would never care enough to do anything more than leave the room.

So I was abused extensively as a teenager by my Mum, with my Mother consistently reminding me that no one would ever believe I was an abuse victim because I was male. This was proven absolutely correct when she once got drunk and called the police on me when I was 15 because I refused to come out of my room. They arrived, asked her what was going on and she said I was abusing her. They came into my room and told me that I might be a child now but if I hit my mum when I reached 16 they would arrest me and I would have a criminal record for the rest of my life. I said I have never once hit her ever, but I have photos of injuries that she has inflicted upon me and witnesses of this happening. She clarified to them that I had been "emotionally abusing" her by refusing to come out of my room, not even for meals, and never talking to her. I told them again that I have photos of injuries she has inflicted upon me and witnesses to this happening and I got the images up on my phone to show them. They waved their hands dismissively at me and said "it's fine we're not going to press any charges against you for the moment, but you need to be nicer to your Mum" then left my room. And then came back in and said "btw your Mum told us that at one point you tried to run away, I think you should be aware that if you do then you will be deemed to have made yourself intentionally homeless and will therefore be unable to receive any government support, look we get a lot of calls about teenage boys in your position being like this so just don't" and then they left.

So despite me knowing my rights, being completely unconvinced by her trying to convince me it was my fault, and knowing I didn't deserve this. I was stuck being extensively domestically abused for 5 years (13-18) because I was a guy. The police were very explicit about the fact that it was because I was a guy. And I know that would absolutely not have happened to me if I was a 15 year old girl and my Dad was physically abusing me and I had evidence and witnesses to it

I had friends though, people I could reach out to that I was close with. And I did, and they were supportive, and then they just got kinda bored. Everyone was going through puberty, there was an overabundance of people feeling sorry for themselves. The guys would rather support girls because it gave them that white knight feeling, and the girls would rather support girls because it was something they could relate to more and it made them uncomfortable to hear a) about just how shit my situation was and b) the fact I was suggesting that this particular individual circumstance that I faced was worse because I was a guy than this exact situation would have been for me if I was a girl was "a bit anti-feminist" so there went all my support for that. I was still my female friend's go to for whenever they had a problem but they wouldn't let me talk about mine anymore.

Then I got a girlfriend, we'd both had a crush on each other for 5 years, but they'd rejected me initially cos they thought I deserved someone better and then they confessed that they had liked me the whole time and asked me out. And it was great, to begin with, and then they started getting sexually explicit texts from other guys that they personally knew and at first I was nothing but sympathetic but then I found out this wasn't people messaging her out of the blue this was people she engaged in regular conversation with coming onto her and her not telling them to stop. I asked her if she could tell them to stop but she never did, it just continued for the whole of our relationship.

We'd been doing everything except penetrative sex for a while and we were both comfortable with that and then she told me that she wanted to have sex soon and I said I was happy to if she was, then she said that she couldn't wait to tell her friends because so far only one person in her friendship group was having sex and it would be great to have some stories of her own. This made me really uncomfortable and I said I didn't want to have sex if she was gonna tell her friends about it the second we did. After a month she finally agreed she wouldn't tell her friends and we had sex the next week. Then the very next day she told her friends "by accident".

Then she started getting bored of me. Apparently I was "too nice" but she said it was mainly that she wanted to be more adventurous with other people. So she broke up with me, then got back with me, about 5 times. After the 3rd time she asked me in frustration why I didn't fight for her when she broke up with me.

Then I went to uni. I ended up making friends with a group of people who seemed really nice and were by themselves, but as the only white guy in the group, the butt of everyone's jokes about how I probably didn't deserve my place here, my life was so much easier than everyone else's etc. All of these people knew about my past extensively. They just didn't care. I was a guy, so my life was easy.

Then I got a girlfriend at uni, she was the one to ask me out. She knew everything about me and my past, all the things detailed previously before we went out. Things were great initially, then she asked me to initiate more cos it apparently made her feel shit that I didn't initiate as often. So I did. She also asked me if it was okay for her to call me sir in bed sometimes and I said yeah sure I mean whatever gets people off. After a few months she started to get more distant after sex and said that sometimes she just feels weird and kinda sensory overloady after sex. Then it progressed to her not wanting to hold hands or touch any time we weren't having sex. And eventually to her recoiling when I accidentally touched her. She then told me she had been groped by her teacher at school and had just started thinking about it again. She didn't mention the fact she called me sir in bed but I could put two and two together and work out that she'd been using me to fulfill an abuse fantasy. So I just started saying no to sex whenever she initiated it. She was also the clearest example of explicitly telling me to not talk about my problems please after she'd spent the entire first half of our relationship talking about how suicidal she was and how she once attempted suicide. This applied to her male friends as well, one of whom attempted suicide while we were together and her primary reaction was *oh for fuck sake, he's such a moron*, but not her female friends who she always had time for even if the problem was just that they'd been overthinking a bad conversation with their parents.

When we finally had the conversation that culminated in us breaking up I asked her if she could initiate more, cos at the beginning she had initiated all the time and asked me to initiate more, and I'd done that but now she had stopped initiating and I was the only one that did. And she said she prefers relationships where only the guy initiates.

My friends who were friends with my girlfriend (both school and uni) never stopped being friends with them. Even after finding out everything they had done and how they had treated me, and ditching guys who had done the same or equivalent to their girlfriends without a second glance, even if they were only friends with the original guy and not the girlfriend.

I just can't handle being a guy. My life has been such shit and I have been treated so badly by people. And I know that isn't unique or even rare but what is rare is that not one of my friends has even thought to question their relationship with others who have treated me like shit when I have seen them drop guys who treat girls like that almost instantaneously.

I hate that my suffering is viewed as inherently less worthwhile or meaningful because I am a guy, that my emotions are somehow less valid, that I can't be a real victim, that I'm always either a neutral party or a perpetrator. Even going clubbing, and trying to get past a group, or going on a walk at night pre-covid, people would stare at me like I'm a rapist and cross to the other side of the street to avoid me. I can never be unhappy in a group situation with people I don't know because if I end up in a corner not really talking much people look at me like I'm a creep waiting for my chance to spring out of the shadows and rape someone when I'm really just too insecure to strike up a conversation, and no one initiates conversations with guys at parties anyway. Girls want to talk to girls and guys want to talk to girls.

And I know the only chance of escaping all of this shit and make sure it doesn't just endlessly repeat until I die is if I transition and people start seeing me as a woman.

And maybe it won't be enough, maybe it could have been if I'd started earlier but now I will still always have an imposing or threatening frame. But I have nothing to lose at this point. The way friends family teachers and all other authority figures have treated me as a guy is not worth trying to live with or figure out. I either need to change how society perceives me (ie switching to a gender where you aren't immediately deemed as entirely worthless if you don't have confidence) or die.

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mischiefarchive · 4 years

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･ﾟﾟ･｡ ( adria arjona, genderfluid, they/them ) — 𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔 𝒊𝒔 𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒐 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 MARLENE MCKINNON, the TENTH year SLYTHERIN student ! i hear that the TWENTY year old is known to be HEADSTRONG and STEADFAST and also very CRASS and INSENSITIVE however, if you ask me, the fact that they are a PUREBLOOD and leaning towards the side of the NEUTRAL is a lot more telling.

ii. musings workshop :

the tale —

note: the bio is written using she / her pronouns as that’s how marlene was raised and despite them no longer using them and having dismissed those ideals entirely, it felt important to tell their story using the pronouns their family would still use regardless of how marlene feels and identifies.

THE BIOGRAPHY —

TRIGGER WARNINGS: rape mention, abuse mention.

Purebloods in the wizarding community often found themselves superior to those that weren’t, this proved to be the case within the McKinnon family. The parents, Horace and Nicolette McKinnon a picturesque sight like no other, beautiful and poised as they made their name known amongst their peers. They were certain to mingle with the best, and nothing less. When their first was born, a beautiful son by the name of Carson, nothing changed aside from them having yet another beautiful face to show off to the rest of the world. He was the perfect child, obeyed as requested and did nothing but what they asked. He spoke like a well-mannered child, charmed the socks off every little girl that he was told to befriend. Then some years later, another was born, this time a beautiful baby girl and the two parents couldn’t be more than thrilled. Nicolette had always spoken of wanting a little girl, and once presented with one, they gave her the same love and attention they did Carson, however the attention Carson was so used to receiving started to drift away from him and focus solely on Marlene. She was the new light of their lives, treated like the little princess they believed her to be but while they weren’t around Carson took it upon himself to punish her for taking his parents away. With each punishment, Marlene started to find herself despising not only Carson, but her parents and their views along with. She wanted nothing more to distance herself, so upon being introduced to her first of pureblood parties, Marlene found herself drawn to another boy that seemed equally as disinterested about being there. Befriending him instantly, she suddenly found herself with a new state of mind, a new outlook on everything around her and more. because he, unlike the rest of the pureblood boys was not cruel, at least not in the traditional sense, he was more along the lines of the comedic cruel which she found herself enjoying. So, quickly she found herself fighting back against her brother with pranks and jokes alike. Her parents despising what was happening, warned her to keep her distance from he but she didn’t listen.

Eventually this resulted in Marlene remaining at home while the rest of them went to parties, Carson once again becoming her parent’s favorites while she was given lessons. The lessons were what they hoped would help turn her into their definition of a proper lady, but eventually just made her worse. Marlene continued to act out, sneak out during the nights they were away and even the nights they were own, all tucked away in their beds. Sometimes Marlene would find herself in the heart of wizarding towns, meeting new and friendly faces, ones that she knew her parents would be highly against.

Finally, like every other wizard and witch in the United Kingdom, the young girl received her Hogwarts letter and attended. Starting off fresh, she found herself seated happily on the train next to the pureblood from the party, among others the two had never encountered. But then, everything came tumbling down the moment she took her place on the stool in the Great Hall, an instant look of uncertainty as the hat roared the house she would spend the next seven years of her life in to everyone. How of all things did Marlene find herself in Slytherin, it was the last thing she expected it but surely her family and brother would be pleased, her brother even more so considering his toy was now unable to escape him by going to another common room.

Marlene however, did not let this change who she was shaping into and found herself spending more time outside of the common room. In the Great Hall she would rebel further by sitting at the table she wanted to, typically the Gryffindor table but that sometimes varied as she found herself growing close to people from other houses as well. She didn’t care if it led to mockery or worse in the common room, she’d deal with that, but while she was out she loved having her freedom away from them.

Years into Hogwarts, Marlene became known as the Slytherin that defied all the norms and rules. It wasn’t until the summer before her 6th year however that everything changed, she’d snuck away from home like she had so many times before, but this time she found herself in a darker place in town and a few drinks too many. A man, a much, much older man found her in her vulnerable state and took advantage of her and with no one around to help, she ended up waking up in the bed in one of the rooms at Hogs Head. That’s when everything changed for the worse, Marlene snuck out more and found herself developing more of a drinking habit and eventually smoking. The girl slept around with people despite knowing it was wrong and it wasn’t until her brother Carson discovered the truth while out one night that she was caught. Disgusted, her parents found only one way to solve the problem and that was to find her an immediate solution, a betrothed. Not speaking of her indiscretions, it was easy for Marlene’s parents to find someone quickly. After all, the girl had an appeal to her that not all purebloods had, she was in the very least stunning and would produce a healthy, beautiful looking heir and that was most important to the families at the time. Marlene thought she hated her parents before, but now the hatred grew into a downright loathing, the boy they had chosen for her being someone despicable in her eyes. Marlene hated it, he was cruel beyond imaginable, treated her nearly like he would scum, like her brother often treated her but there was very little she could do while still at Hogwarts.

Now years prior to her time at Hogwarts, Marlene is still fighting for their freedom, but the amount they have is still far more than what they once had from their parents and brother’s tyranny, along with her to be betrothed. They’ve managed to keep themselves alive, but fears that any day will result in their death.

FLASHBACK TO THE UPRISING OF WAR: Headcanon 01

As far back as Marlene could remember, the war was a topic of discussion in the McKinnon household, members of the family all in agreement of where they stand, everyone but them. Marlene hated the ideals they spat out, the idea that someone’s blood, something that couldn’t be changed was a defining factor of whether they deserved to study magic, or in some cases live at all. what made a pure blooded wizard better than a muggle born?

but now, the war, the sides were becoming more and more predominant both in and outside the castle, the tensions were rising, and constant fights seemed to break out among their peers. Marlene, while they’d never admit it, feared the war and not for themselves, though a traitor to their family and pure bloods alike, Marlene’s biggest concern was and will always be their sister. if a squib were to be discovered by the wrong person, someone more cruel than even their parents, who’s to say what would happen to Marisol? would she make it out alive? would anyone they’d grown to care about?

restless sleeps quickly became sleepless nights, finding it impossible to find peace while sharing a room with those that would’ve ended their sister without question, those that Marlene viewed as their enemy, those like their brother. Marlene knows they need to take action before it’s too late, but who and what they’ll be able to do from Hogwarts is impossible to map out, so instead they’d began mapping out ideas, trying to figure out an escape, a way out of the castle without a trace.

so, now their sleepless nights turned into endless hours at the astronomy tower and places few professors and prefects would care to look for students out after hours, working away on developing a plan to slip out and somehow free their sister from the terrors she’s facing back home.

MOTIVATION & BEHAVIOR – HEADCANON 02

Marlene is a very set and stubborn individual, rarely will they listen to what others suggest she does if it goes against what they want. There’s no such thing as what Marlene thinks they want, if they want something, they will stop at absolutely nothing to ensure it’s theirs, though there is one thing they’ve failed time and time again. That is, true freedom. Regardless of where they are now, there’s still a vast part of Marlene that knows they’re stuck in the reign of their family, a part that will never let them push away them completely until Marisol is safe and with them. But they tread cautiously, knowing a life is at risk. So, occasionally, they abide to the requests of their parents, hating it as they do so. After all, Marisol’s life is far more precious than Marlene’s own and the young wixen would do just about anything for their sibling and both their freedoms. Time and time again, Marlene has sat to themselves, sketching out a plan, always improving on it, believing the only true way to freedom is by MURDERING their family, parents and brother included and then some. But, again, cautiousness comes into play as Marlene can’t be caught for the crime and sent to Azkaban. So, everything and absolutely everything must be perfect. On a side note, very few, if any know of Marlene’s sister, Marisol as they trust next to no one, so, most missions rely solely on themselves, and little on anyone else. This adds to the extremity of how careful Marlene must be. If they were to find someone they trusted completely, they’d turned to them, but until then, it remains a solo mission.

AN EMBARASSING STORY – HEADCANON 03

there are very few times where i, marlene mckinnon will ever admit to being embarrassed as i find that to be a complete waste of emotions. shit happens, it’s apart of life, we laugh about it and move on. at least, that’s always been my motto but there is one time in particular that does stand out. everyone has that moment from being an awkward tween, so, now i just laugh it off but at the time…whew i was embarrassed for WEEKS, friends would have to drag me out of my dorm…well, what few i had in the slytherin common room….now it’s not to say it was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me, but at 13, it felt life ruining. so, i was stoked, i’d finally made the quidditch team, and i thought, hey it was my chance to be apart of something and maybe find a way to connect with people in my house that weren’t assholes ( i was very wrong, but hey, i loved to swing that bat…so ).. anyway i was running late on my second day of practice, bad idea in itself, but with zero time to spare, i snatched up the first pants i could find for practice and made a sprint for it, changing as i walked down to the pitch….which surprisingly wasn’t embarrassing to me, because hey, no one was around, right? anyway, finally on the pitch, i started to notice i may have chosen a less than comfy pair of pants, so i tried to stretch myself out a bit, get used to the feel and fit, all while listening to an already grumpy captain…and everything was dandy until we mounted our brooms, and mid kick off is when i heard it, a LOUD rip that echoed against the field catching everyone’s attention. i’d managed to rip my pants, from my butt crack down to my ankles…and no one offered me a spare pair, so i was made to do the entire practice in my underwear…because ripped pants were just too uncomfortable…and let’s just say, having everyone find out i was wearing pink panties is not the way to start out a season….and i didn’t hear the end of

LOVE – HEADCANON 04

Marlene didn’t believe in the concept of being in love, of finding a single person to pledge your forever to…or more so, Marlene didn’t believe in love for themselves. Marlene knew they were attractive, they knew how to use their body to their advantage, but they didn’t believe in the possibility of them being anything more than a warm body. So, on lonely nights, they’d often drink away the pain in a crowded club, waiting for a stranger to sweep them away, whisking away the thoughts and ideas of a true romance with shots of tequila. Allowing themselves to develop a terrible habit of finding comfort in the unknown, in the people that treated them terribly because if they treated them awfully, it was impossible for romance to ever start, it was impossible for them to ever develop a close bond with someone that’d grow tire of them within a few weeks, or days even. After all, as ingrained in their mind from a young age, after their first acting out, Marlene was assured they were nothing special beyond their looks, that the only reason anyone would marry or pursue them was for their name, their blood, the status, never for the person buried deep inside. So, alas, aside from the few close friendships and their sister, Marlene refuses to let people see anything beyond the reckless party girl. After all, where’s the fun in constant heartbreak?

THE FIGG FAMILY - HEADCANON 05

In the woods, just beyond their families’ garden, there was a quaint cottage that very few knew about. Certainly not Marlene’s parents, fortunately, but Marlene having always been the curious child that they were, had found it at quite a young age. Upon first discovery, Marlene learned the cottage was owned by a wonderful, elderly woman named Edith Figg. She rarely had company, so Marlene made a habit out of visiting her at least once a week, more so before Hogwarts started up. At age thirteen, Marlene was introduced to a new face at the Figg Cottage, Arabella Figg. The parents didn’t want anything to do with her once it was discovered she was a squib, but Edith refused to allow her granddaughter to be sent away and instead took on the task, despite her age. Marlene started visiting more often while they were able to, bringing along different toys and dresses they’d received, having absolutely no interest in them, themselves, they were happy they brought joy to Arabella. Throughout the years, the bond between the three grew, even more so when Edith fell ill and eventually died. Marlene promised Edith on her death bed that they’d watch over Arabella and keep her safe, and until this day, Marlene hasn’t broken that promise. Marlene has helped move them to a safer part of London, terrified of what might happen if their parents were to discover Arabella’s location and through taking on endless summer jobs, no matter how horrid they were, Marlene managed to save up the money for a tiny but decent enough apartment for the two, one that Marlene would often sneak away to when they were home from Hogwarts. Unfortunately with school, visiting isn’t as often, but they keep in contact through Marlene’s owl, and meet up whenever possible. Marlene has been trying to convince Dumbledore that Hogwarts is a the safest of places, desperately hoping that he’d consider taking Arabella in as an assistant to the librarian, to keep them closer.

iii. other info :

marlene is very much the rebellious type, spending as little time in the slytherin dorm as possible. of course, they do have a couple people they consider to be a friend, marlene prefers the people in other houses. though the one time marlene will show house pride is when riding on a broom on the quidditch team as the team’s BEATER. as for clubs, marlene isn’t a fan of most school organized activities but they can’t help but love DUELING CLUB & MAGICAL CREATURES CLUB.

boggart. the sight of them being dragged by their mother down the aisle, in a very frilly white wedding dress, a symbol of their last ounce of freedom being ripped from them. wand. Elm wood with a phoenix feather core, 10 ¾" and brittle flexibility patronus. The Black Stallion amortentia:

Crowded Concerts - think sweat, cigarettes, bodies pressed together, liquor filling everyone’s nostrils, this was something that brought a rare peace to Marlene McKinnon, closing her eyes and enjoying the bliss of loud music roaring around her and each and every scent that came along with, that was something that she loved.

New Leather - Something about the scent of a new jacket, a new car, you can’t go wrong with. Maybe it was because wearing leather, being surrounded by it was such a sin in her families’ eyes that she was drawn to the scent.

Campfires - Summers by the lake, lost in the sounds of birds chirping and roaring fires, what was better than that? Nothing, absolutely nothing.

additional headcanons.

marlene is without a doubt a jealous individual, not always in the romantic / sexual sense, but with friendships, they can be very possessive, and protective and doesn’t like the idea of anyone else calling their best friend, their best friend.

marlene’s dream job was always to become a dragonologist and they want to travel the world. place # 1 on their list being jamaica.

Lignum Vitae, it’s the national flower of Jamaica, and Marlene’s absolute favorite flower. They’re not a romantic, but if someone showed up at their doorstep with one, they’d feel inclined to accept whatever offer they have ( within reason ofc, they're not a complete idiot )

They have both ears double pierced, and a healing belly button piercing. As for tattoos, they have a tiny heart just above her right butt cheek, though they plan on getting more once they don't have to worry so much about their parents.

Marlene has a scar on their inner thigh that has never faded, even with the help of magic.

Marlene’s boggart takes the shape of themselves in a wedding dress being dragged down the aisle by their mother, forced to marry someone they despise and losing their freedom once and for all.

THE CHARACTER CONNECTIONS —

childhood friend / partner in crime - a friend that Marlene made at a young age whom is also a pureblood, the gender can be any, of course. They clicked instantly and got into loads of trouble and would be the person mentioned in Marlene’s bio.

betrothed - due to their families’ hold over marlene, they’ve found it impossible to escape them entirely, and are therefore promised to marry someone who is also pureblood. it’d be preferred if they held more of the pureblood ideals as I reckon the McKinnons would want to push someone like themselves onto their child. TAKEN BY AMYCUS CARROW

someone they look up to - this character can not be a death eater and would preferably be a member of the order and someone that’s helping them in seeing the right path and will guide them eventually into becoming an order member, but right now, marlene’s status as being neutral and a family member to death eaters is of use for the order, and this person will see that.

graphic credit.

#fd.intro #intro: marlene #c: marlene mckinnon #**

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noblehope · 5 years

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Having spoken to a few friends about what caused me to make my last post which you can find here, I’ve come to the decision that I actually should speak out about this incident instead after some recent news. I have appropriately tagged this post with everything that I could think of, and as an extra precaution will be putting the rest of this under a read more. Please understand that I am not only making this post for me, but for everyone that this person has wronged.

The above ask is located on his ouma blog. This is what is causing me to make this post now as I am directly vagued here as are many others. My writing below is my explanation. For the majority of 2018 I was Komari’s best friend and knew him for a total of nine months. I cut contact with him in November and have focused on my own recovery and happiness ever since. Komari is the most manipulative, toxic, and downright abusive person I have ever had the misfortune to know personally, but I am now in a much happier and healthier spot than I was in November.

I have moved on from tumblr to roleplay in the dangan/ronpa discord oc community instead. While I do want to come back to tumblr at some point to roleplay Sonia and Peko (and maybe more), right now I couldn’t be happier with simply applying my own characters to games, spectating games, and making friends through killing games I do get accepted to. This year has been so very kind to me in so many different ways.

However, my year did not start this way. Because of the abuse I went through I was at one of the lowest points in my life, and I would not have been able to recover as quickly as I have if not for my friends or the ones I’ve gained through discovering how deeply Komari’s abuse really ran.

This post is not a secret. Sin made a post on her blog clearing up lies Komari spread about her. Seeing this unexpected post caused me to have a breakdown to be reminded of him so soon after feeling comfortable enough to return plus coming to terms with that he’s wronged me in more ways than I imagined. He fed me lies that I took as truths and has damaged the reputations of several people who are recovering just as I am to this day.

After speaking to Sin and thanking her for her post even though it hurt to see, I spoke to others that I was under the impression of them being awful people and vice versa. We cleared up all misunderstandings between one another and our healing truly began at that point. I love all of them so, so, so very much and I’m happy to call them friends now.

All of this leads us up to two days ago where I received an unexpected message @/outcastedkiller, someone I have never had regular conversations with. I can’t even remember the last time we had a topic outside of discussing artists to commission/showing off art or some discussions of rwby back when the last season was airing. I have always viewed Goldie as a distant friend/associate and while I enjoyed speaking with her, lately I have been having a hard time ignoring red flags like I used to.

I now have her blocked after the following conversation being unable to push aside my growing concerns any longer:

I will now clarify a few things. The post she is referencing is the following with a timestamp:

PLEASE LOOK AGAIN AT THE TIME STAMP AND NOTICE THIS POST WAS MADE FOUR MONTHS AGO.

I have since removed this post like I should have a long time ago, but because of my inactivity I forgot to do exactly that. Next, I’m going to show you all my most recent post that I made before coming back today to show how long it’s been since I’ve been active on this blog.

There is absolutely no reason for any of them to have been looking at my blog when I have not been here. He is fully aware of the fact that I cut ties with him and did not want to be associated any longer, and yet he and Goldie found it appropriate to message me about something four months old.

Not ONLY that, but Komari is FULLY aware of my stance when it comes to people trying to contact me after I have blocked them: to ask first through a third party if I would be alright with a message from them, and only after gaining my approval would the conversation begin. Goldie went straight to messaging me without any context, without even spoken in nearly a month let alone months since we spoke about Komari himself, and sent my anxiety spiraling. Having confirmation that this was Komari’s idea to send me his blogs to block sent me into a complete panic attack. While the gesture may seem innocent on the surface, I must make it clear that this is just another tactic of manipulation and I and several others have seen through it. I have all of those blogs blocked and MANY more that he has retired for my own comfort ever since I cut contact. Because we were so close, I knew about every single one of those blogs and more that he did not list. I am very efficient when it comes to ensuring my comfort, and that means keeping my block list up to date on literally every one of my blogs. So again, he had no reason to send me his blogs to block. None whatsoever.

I am repeating myself, but there is absolutely no reason to message me about a post I made back four months ago let alone when I am inactive. All this has done is caused me and several others grief to where old wounds have reopened. I have not seen his apology that an anon on his blog has spoken about. I do not know who sent him that anon and none of my friends do either. None of this concerns me or them and we do not want an apology. We want to be left alone.

He does not have the right to message any of us asking for anything and should refrain from SELFISHLY involving anyone else. If there is one thing I must apologize to Komari for, it’s for calling Sin’s post a callout in my panicked state because I could not find another word for it.

Even if I had read this apology on his blog (which is no longer found on his ouma apparently and is only located on his deep sea prison multi muse blog now) and I had felt an ounce of truth in it, it would have been immediately revoked seeing him vague me and hound others for information.

If there WAS a callout for him, there is no reason to be looking for it as someone reading about a callout on themselves is definitely not the healthiest course of action. Moving from my professional tone for like, five minutes, that’s like the exact opposite of “not wanting to be involved in drama”. He has shown already that he has not changed at all and no amount of poorly disguised nice “gestures” or words is going to convince those he harmed otherwise. He and Goldie are also blatantly ignoring where I said I meant to delete my post about needing mentions of his tag. This is not a trigger anymore and they should not be insisting that it is. I DO suggest you to block his blogs if you have made it this far for your own safety and comfort, but that is not a course of action I will make anyone take. I make this post to make things clear as to why this is happening and for my friends who still roleplay here on tumblr. Chances are when I do come back fully, I’m going to remake for a fresh start.

Also, if there ever is a callout made about Komari, I will ABSOLUTELY reblog it everywhere possible because of how dangerous he is. Thank you for reading. ** also https://kiboumukou.tumblr.com/post/182940204064/kiboumukou-i-usually-avoid-drama-but-someone is the url for the post that started this whole mess if my hyperlink above did not work correctly.

#drama /#callout /#drama tw #callout tw #ask to tag /#〚》𝔾《 straight from the horse’s mouth ( out of character. ) ✧ 〛

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brokenforecast · 5 years

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The Emperor

The Emperor: a muggle guide to tarot

It has been more than a year since I wrote on this blog but better late than never. I should have plenty of time from now on, because that is the reason for all this silence: lack of free time. But I handled that like a boss. let’s get on with it. We have finally arrived at an unapologetic male character in the tarot, which took us five cards into the Major Arcanum. So, without writing a paper on the patriarchy let’s dig into my nuanced view of the archetypical father, ruler and ultimately god.

Let’s get the gender issue over with straight away. Like the empress, if in your life the archetypical father is not a man, no big deal, then that person can be represented. The Emperor is at its most basic a person who wields a lot of formal power in your life. Simple as that. My boss for example – which is a very typical interpretation of the Emperor card – is a woman and she has a lot of power over many aspects of my life. If it wouldn’t be for the large amounts of confidence I have in her, it would be scary how much power she has.

> Renaissance Tarot Emperor: secret 4 legshake and birds.

Symbolism

The fact that the emperor’s card is numbered 4 is no coincidence, not only is the four figure the symbol of both the planet and god Jupiter, is also the number most strongly associated with stability (think legs of tables or chairs, limbs of mammals, the four corners of the world, a house has four walls, a year has four seasons, but let’s not get too numerological, shall we?). Some cards represent the emperor with one leg crossed, mimicking the number four, like in the Secret Tarot. There will be some birds, representing the sky gods of many cultures meaning power, royalty, strength and good fortune (think Roman, Russian or German emperors that all have bird symbols). Also: crowns, scepter, suits of armour (the protective side of masculinity), thrones and whatnot. Also horns, horns represent penises.

Sometimes mountains are depicted which might be a bit confusing for some muggles. This can only be understood by understanding the emperor as opposed to and in harmony with the empress. Where the empress has wheat for fertility and growth, the emperor has mountains for infertility and stability. Growth is very nice but one needs a certain doses of stability in life. Fertility and reproducing are all fun and games but someone needs to protect all that growth. I think it’s a nice metaphor for masculinity: (temporary) power without fertility, defending what the empress creates and takes care of.

> The Rider-Waite Emperor: mountains, penises, I mean horns and good old fashioned bearded ruler.

I admit not only lack of time withheld me from writing about the emperor. As a deeply masculine card I - as a man who only reluctantly and not that often identifies as a man but can’t really pinpoint what to identify as, or indeed if I need to identify at all - I do not feel qualified to write about the man. But as is often the case: I couldn’t be more wrong. Due to my struggle with, contemplation, participation and perception of and some distance to masculinity I am perfectly placed to write about it.

Upright meaning

I absolutely believe that masculinity needs a new, positive, inclusive definition that inspires people (not just men) to do good. One such view that heavily influenced me was nurturance culture.

A genderless world where no good (or bad) personality trait is gendered, is not anywhere in the cards (see what I did there?). So how do we as a society give a positive and inspiring content to the idea of masculinity? One of the possible answers are the 4 positive characteristics of the emperor: protection, practicality, authority and structure.

Sure, I’ll argue against all four of them when talking about other cards, but the tarot is about exploring all sides of the human condition and these 4 have value as well and are all four historically associated with masculinity. Is masculinity in a crisis? Yes, it most certainly is; it has been reduced to a destructive cliché where it used to be kaleidoscopic concept. Not by feminists, but by men themselves. We have not emancipated ourselves. In stead of evolving like women did the last century, we have retreated into an ever more meager concept of masculinity. This is my attempt to reconstruct the notion of inclusive manliness.

Pillar 1: protection

You gotta fight, for your right, to party. - The Beastie Boys

Know that feeling when you broke down, when you are at your most vulnerable and you find comfort and protection in someone’s arms? I could be talking about a man who protects you late at night in some shady alley from a knife-gang but honestly: how many times are we in need of that? And how much have we needed someone to just be around us, silently but firmly comforting us. Protection and defense imply some potential for destruction but that does not need to be a bad thing if the thing that is being destroyed is a bad thing. Be protective.

Pillar 2: practicality

Yes, I am talking about being able to handle power tools, finish an Ikea closet in 15 minutes and fixing your bike. Cliché much? Yes, but it’s a decent and good quality. While the empress listens to how you had a bike accident and fixes that bleeding knee, the emperor is silently repairing your bike in the shed without you knowing and what after the whole debacle and you find out, makes you smile again. Silent, humble work. Thinking of the small things, the pro’s and con’s and getting on with it. This is where the repressed emotions come into play. Not necessarily a bad thing if not taken too far. There is nothing wrong with temporarily repressing emotions to get shit done as long as you deal with them later on. Sometimes the trash just needs to be taken outside, a meal cooked, a kitchen cleaned or a day at the office endured. Postpone emotions, don’t bottle them up. Be practical.

> left: emperor by kindanddemon > right: emperor by skullsquid

Pillar 3: authority

Both having it/using it as well as dealing with it. Yes, I would also like to live on an island in a sea of mutual respect where there is no need for authority but let’s just wake up shall we? Authority is a thing and we need to deal with it. Easiest way is being an authority yourself. And I mean that in a good way. Standing for something, believing in something, without dogma or rigidness but open and evolving. You could also call it privilege, there’s a lot of it out there and like a sword it should be used and wielded for good, to shield (another symbol you will often find on the card) those who do not have it. Privilege is a real thing, you can’t get rid of it (by yourself or in a short amount of time) but you can use it for good. The emperor tells us to use our gifts (remember the magician?) for good, to be ambitious, not at the cost of others but to the benefit of all. Deserve respect.

Pillar 4: structure

The stability in number 4 is also associated with structure, systems, procedures and ultimately rules and laws. They exist for a reason and should be there for the good of all. The empress negotiates and compromises, the emperor confirms this by making rules that sustain this peace. I honestly believe everyone can use some structure, some system, some good habits, some good routines, rules you live by. Maybe not 100% of the time, no one asks you to be perfect, no one asks the rules to be perfect. Even the apparent chaos of nature obeys the laws of physics. Constructing order from chaos has its benefits. Yes chaos nurtures – in an empress kind of way – the new and creative, order protects what is fragile and needs to be maintained. Construct systems that benefit you.

> The Wild Unknown Emperor: The emperor depicted as a large tree overlooking the forest, growing by the bright light of the midday sun, deeply and firmly rooted in the soil.

The emperor can be anyone or anything that radiates the qualities above, not just a person (your father, husband, boss or landlord) but also an institution: government agencies, large corporations, the army etc.

Reverse meaning

"Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?" - Tyler Durden in Fight Club

When the emperor appears reversed in your reading you are hugely and utterly fucked. At its base meaning this card represents power and now that immense power is turned against you in one of three ways:

Opposite: the opposite of manliness is not femininity, get that in your head as soon as possible. The opposite of power is powerlessness, not receiving the responsibility you need; the opposite of protection is getting hurt. The opposite of practicality is inertness, laziness, meddling without achieving, not really trying, not having the required skill without anyone around to help you. The opposite of authority is slavery, submission, believing yourself to be weaker than you are. The opposite of a stable structure that perpetuates good is destructive chaos, not knowing where to start, being confused, having to start over and over again because nothing is fundamentally anchored.

cock-blocked: The emperor is blocked somehow. You are unable to assert yourself, maybe lost in a maze of regulations, rules and procedures. You are maybe protecting the wrong things or people. You might think you are practical but got something wrong (it’s mostly not the Ikea manual that is wrong or the piece that is faulty, it is most certainly, you).

Taken too far: This is the domain of toxic masculinity. Yes this is a thing, I suffer from it every day. Masculinity is a prison. This kind is anyway. Defense becomes unwarranted offence, violence, abuse of physical strength, this is the bully knocking you a bleeding nose and your father raping you. This is thinking you can fix everything, that everything is logical and practical and being blind to the emotional, spiritual or natural things in life. This is abuse of authority, corruption, back chamber politics, chauvinism. It is structural sexism, racism and a system that only exists to benefit itself not the people in it. And it is all turned against you.

One card spread – meditation on the emperor:

"Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things." - Anakin skywalker in Attack of the Clones

The Emperor is the first break we get in a way. In a very – too – short version of our path up until now the fool asks us to unapologetically be ourselves, the magician asks us to be able, the high priestess begs us to be knowledgeable. The emperor asks us to consolidate that into a system, a structure so what we have achieved so far can be defended. It’s about creating habits that benefit you, assert yourself as you are, yourself, able and knowledgeable without shame or hesitation. Use your abilities as a weapon against injustice. But we’re turning too abstract, I know. Let’s be more practical. Answer all the following questions and jot down one action per question that you can do in the next four days:

Ask yourself what is going well in your life and how you can anchor that in your life. How can you make it last?

Who or what in your immediate environment needs protection (or comfort, or help) and how can you provide that? Does something need fighting and which weapon in your arsenal is best suited?

When were you last intimidated by authority? What characteristic was intimidating? Do you possess that characteristic? Imagine yourself unintimidated in that same situation. What is needed to get you there?

Do you own something that is broken? Try to fix it. (Just like there is an inherent value to growing things crf. the empress, fixing things is itself a healing action).

TLDR: Upright meaning: power, protection, practicality, authority, order Reverse meaning: powerlessness, impotence, confusion, chaos, abuse of power

#a muggle guide to tarot #tarot #tarot readings #the emperor #emperor #007 #major arcana #the emperor reversed #emperor reversed #cartomancy

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missmentelle · 5 years

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What is BPD and how does it manifest? What are your personal experiences with it and what are the misconceptions?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a mental health condition that severely disrupts your ability to form stable and healthy attachments to others, and to form a stable and healthy sense of yourself. It usually develops for the first time in your late teens or early 20s, and it can last for the rest of your life, although many people with BPD are able to successfully control their symptoms or even achieve full remission if they seek mental health treatment. BPD can be a brutal disorder to live with, and the symptoms can seriously impact your day-to-day functioning. People with BPD may find it incredibly difficult to achieve their goals or lead a “normal” life. Unlike people with other personality disorders that affect relationships, people with BPD desperately want to have healthy relationships with other people, but their symptoms make this incredibly difficult to achieve, which is a constant source of frustration and shame for many people who have this disorder. Symptoms of BPD include:

Intense and near-irrational fear of abandonment. They live with constant fear that the people in their lives will abandon them, even if there are absolutely no signs that this is the case. They will go to extreme lengths to avoid being abandoned, even if the risk of abandonment is entirely imaginary.

Relationships that are very intense, and very unstable. They tend to engage in a pattern called “splitting”, where they see someone as wonderful and flawless and perfect in one moment, and then see them as worthless, unreliable and untrustworthy the next. They either have you on a pedestal or they are convinced that you hate them, with very little time spent between those two extremes.

Frequent mood swings. This is more than just the usual “up and down” of something like bipolar disorder - they swing between a wide range of emotions like shame, disgust, euphoria, despair, rage and everything in between.

Disproportionate emotional reactions. People with BPD have more or less the “correct” emotional reaction to events in their lives, but the intensity of their emotional reaction is completely blown out of proportion. A neurotypical person might be mildly annoyed if their partner forgot to text them when they promised to. A person with BPD may lapse into full-blown rage and despair, and these intense feelings could last for hours or days. Anger is the most common emotion that they experience with added intensity, and it can even cause harmless interactions to quickly escalate.

Reckless behaviour. People with BPD often partake in high-risk behaviour, like drug use, unprotected sex, gambling, spending sprees, or unsafe and reckless driving. They also have a tendency to self-sabotage - sometimes when things are going well in their lives, they will suddenly quit their jobs, drop out of school and break up with their partners with absolutely no warning.

An unstable sense of their own identity. This is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t experience it, but most people have a pretty stable sense of who they are, what they value, what they want, what their goals are, etc. People who BPD do not have any stable answers for any of those things. Their sense of “self” shifts rapidly and often. They may completely change their entire image of themselves from day to day, or go through periods where they even doubt if they exist.

Self-harm and suicidal behaviour. People with BPD frequently self-harm, and they have one of the highest suicide rates of any disorder. Their self-harm is usually triggered by a real or imagined abandonment or rejection, and it can be extremely difficult to manage.

A general sense of emptiness. People with BPD often feel that their lives are meaningless, or that they will never be happy. They might feel like nothing matters, or that they are bad, worthless people who do not deserve to be happy.

BPD is a very tricky disorder to cope with, especially when it comes to relationships. It is important to remember that people with BPD are not bad people, and it is not their fault that they have this disorder. Many of the behaviours they exhibit are the result of all the pain and distress that they are feeling, not because they have any malicious intent. Many of them are simply desperate to be loved, and their extreme emotions are what prevent them from achieving this in a healthy way. At the same time, though, it’s important to acknowledge that people with BPD can cause serious harm to people they form relationships with, and the pain that their friends, family members and partners feel is just as real and just as valid. People with BPD are sometimes the perpetrators of abuse (as well as the victims), and it’s naive to think that a potential partner can overcome these issues through love and patience alone. The symptoms are aggravating to deal with as a person with BPD actually experiencing them, and they can be exhausting or terrifying to deal with as the partner of a person who has BPD. A diagnosis of BPD is not an excuse to treat others badly, and people with this disorder are still responsible for recognizing when they need to seek help, or when they might need to take a break from relationships as a whole.

I’ve had numerous experiences with BPD in my lifetime. I’ve worked with it as a mental health professional; many of the homeless kids I worked with met the criteria for BPD, and for many of them, BPD was at least contributing to their ongoing homelessness. Some had burned bridges with family members or professional organizations that could help them, due to their erratic or intense behaviour. Many had experimented broadly with drug use, reckless behaviour or casual sex, and had faced life-altering consequences - like drug dependency, criminal records or unwanted pregnancies - as a result. Many of them were caught up in very intense and very unhealthy romantic relationships, and they were unable to work on other aspects of their life (finishing school, finding housing, finding employment, etc) because all of their time and energy was devoted to their high-needs relationships. It’s hard to get someone to sit down and work on their math homework when they feel an intense need to comb through their partner’s instagram for any signs of cheating. It can be a very tricky disorder to deal with as a professional, because you are no exception to the person’s fear of abandonment or their intense relationship style - it can be more difficult to form consistent trust and rapport with BPD clients than it is with other clients, which makes treatment difficult.

I also have a lot of hands-on experience with BPD in my personal life. I lived with a partner who had BPD for two years, although he only received his official diagnosis after we had already ceased living together. We got together as teenagers, and as far as I can tell, he developed BPD in his early 20s, around two years after we met. My ex refused all forms of mental health treatment, and living with a person who had untreated Borderline Personality Disorder was one of the most exhausting and difficult experiences of my life. He had the classic “splitting” pattern; much of the time, he had me up on a pedestal, and he would boldly tell me and other people that I was the most perfect person who ever lived, that I was the answer to all of his problems, and that he never needed anything or anyone else in the world as long as he had me. Other days, he would tell me that I never cared about him, that he would never be good enough for me, and that I secretly wanted to leave him. We had some happy days, hanging out and just being best friends who were madly in love with each other, but as his disorder really took hold, the extremes became much more common. His behaviour became reckless and erratic, and he started leaving our apartment at night to break into nearby abandoned buildings and construction site. He never developed any anger problems, but he became despondent, and started spending entire days sobbing on the couch and contemplating suicide. His goals and view of himself changed weekly - some weeks he saw himself as smart and studious, and some weeks he saw himself as being doomed to homelessness. I cared about him very, very much, but I could not live like that anymore. He was not a bad person and his situation was not his fault - although it was his responsibility to accept help, which he failed to do - but he was not good for my own mental health. No one is obligated to stay in such a tumultuous and unstable relationship, and unfortunately it reached a point where I could not do it anymore.

Unfortunately, my current partner and I are also dealing with a situation with BPD at the moment. In this case, however, he has an ex-partner with BPD who cannot accept that their relationship is over. Every couple of weeks she calls him in the middle of the night, sometimes to declare that he is the most wonderful person she ever met and insist that they were meant to be together. Other times, she calls to tell him that he is a terrible person who never cared about her or respected her, and she informs him that she is in the middle of self-harming because of him. We both acknowledge that she is a deeply troubled individual, and neither of us have any ill will toward her. He informs her family every time she calls, and I have no issues with him picking up the phone to talk to her in the middle of the night if it means that someone can be made aware of her in-progress self-harm. Again, she is not a bad person and her issues are not of her own making. Her case happens to be particularly extreme - most people with BPD do not even approach this level of inappropriate behaviour - but I cannot deny that it is a source of distress in my life.

There are two big misconceptions about BPD that I think should be dispelled. The first is the notion that BPD is a “female” problem. While it is true that female diagnoses of BPD outnumber male diagnoses considerably, there are probably a lot of social biases at play. A man who has intense relationships in his early 20s and copes by doing drugs, sleeping around and driving fast is seen as “normal”, or “just blowing off steam”. A woman who behaves the same way is considered mentally ill. Men who present with characteristic symptoms of BPD may instead receive a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety, due to the notion that BPD is only a female problem. Women who have symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, depression or anxiety may be diagnosed with BPD. People tend to see what they expect to see, and many clinicians expect to see lots of women with BPD.

The other misconception I want to dispel is that idea that BPD never gets better. It is the most treatable of the personality disorders, and most people with the condition see at least some improvement after their mid- to late twenties. Therapy and medication can help treat the symptoms to make life and relationships more manageable, and people with BPD who receive proper treatment can even achieve full remission of their disorder. This is a difficult disorder, but it is not a life sentence, and it should never be assumed that people who have this disorder are going to be this way forever. Hope and treatment are out there.

Hope this answers your question!

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astrifica · 5 years

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For the last few years ive been battling with intense paranoia, mood swings, hallucinations and a few delusions. But it's gotten very bad these last two months. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, and I cant be around people to get a job.. I don't really know what to do. It seems like no one will take what's going on seriously. Did you ever have to deal with that?

Firstly, I'm really awfully sorry you're stuck in this position, it's horrible that you're not being helped properly when you're struggling as much.

Sadly it's often a reoccurring theme in the health system just about anywhere across the world, and more often than not mentally ill individuals experience some form of maltreatment and medical neglect/abuse, so yes I've been there myself as well sadly.

But please don't let this discourage you, because while there's certainly many awful people in the system, there'll also always be good people in it, even if you have to search for them some more sometimes. And once you do find them, it'll definitely be worth it in the end!

What was a big realisation in my years of dealing with the health system both mentally and physically is that a lot of people don't work in it because they're good at it, but because they knew the right people and had the right papers.

My biggest suggestion in dealing with fewer professionals in positions they shouldn't be in due to simply not treating their patients right, is to try and skip any big mental health practices for example located in hospitals and try and search for smaller more individual practices (here there's some that aren't part of the private sector) if that's an option where you live.

They often provide a lot more individual help and are often more understanding and in their positions because they're genuinely good at it or at least wish to learn still (and given the ability to by their bosses, which those in bigger practices rarely are) rather than having a major superiority complex about their position resulting in the systemic ableism you often find in large practices.

Though if that's not an option as I'm unsure if that's available in non-private sectors in other places, going to crisis services is often the quickest way to be able to access the help they're supposed to be offering you in the first place and generally getting into the system, but I'm also well aware that hospitalisations aren't always beneficial to everyone and there can be just as many shitty individuals there.

So if there's no option but to deal with shitty professionals, then here are a few tips I've gathered over the years on how to be taken more seriously:

Taking someone with you if you're able to that can back you up in how bad your struggles are by giving their point of view (though I do suggest discussing their role with them and what they should and shouldn't be saying according what you feel comfortable with).

Not speaking in medical terms genuinely ever unless you're repeating something they say or asking what it means, and instead trying to phrase them like you have absolutely zero idea of what any of it is. Sadly this is often necessary due to certain professionals immediately writing this off as faking, being a hypochondriac, munchausen, etc. When in reality, if you're struggling and not receiving the help you're supposed to with it, of course you start researching the things it can be and learning to help yourself through that!

Explain your symptoms by going off of your worst days, rather than a good or mediocre day or making your symptoms come across less bad. Shitty professionals often will already tend to interpret them as less bad for you, so that'll often result in being taken a bit more seriously as well rather than having it written off as "not bad enough". There's no such thing as not bad enough but sadly those professionals do sometimes tend to see it like that.

Make sure to do any important interactions regarding agreements and arrangements via email, and if that's not possible to always send them an email with the points they made asking for confirmation if this is indeed what you've agreed on and what they've said/arranged. If you personally can't manage to do so, having a family member or friend do it for you works as well, though you have to sign something to say they can do those things for you and that he professionals are allowed to answer to them on it. This will allow you to always be able to go "No, I have evidence that this is in fact what we've agreed on/what happened" and pull up the emails, if they decide to suddenly change things and say they got your agreement on it or anything like that.

Know your rights! It's important to know when you can say no to something and why, and what you're entitled to receive from them. If you're unable to do this, having a family member or friend do it for you works as well! This'll help when they for example try to force you into doing things they decide would benefit you (when in reality it wouldn't) like sharing info with for example abusive family/friends/partners etc. you don't want things to be shared with. But also regarding changes in your treatment, either ones they want you to make, or ones they don't mention that you want to make! Like a change regarding your medication for example.

It's often best not to personally ask "annoying" questions and pushing the professionals to give you the help you're deserving of yourself (as it can result in them writing you off as uncooperative), but if at all possible definitely have a friend or family member do so in appointments where you take them! if you can't have someone else do it for you though, make sure to subtly ask the questions without making it seem like you know they wouldn't want to answer that, just play it dumb! A lot of shitty professionals will do the absolute bare minimum and to put you in positions that aren't actually beneficial to you, so sometimes you'll have to indirectly demand them to do things right like so.

Know that you're allowed to ask to switch to a different professional if the professional you deal with doesn't help you regardless in whichever way! if you personally struggle to ask for that (or demand it if needed), having a family member or friend do it for you works just as well!

Know that it's okay to not want to continue a medication or form of therapy (and to switch to a different type if you desire doing so) if it doesn't work for you. You're allowed to try different things as many times as you need to find what works best for you! Most shitty professionals won't recognise this for you themselves regardless of how clear you make it if you don't state it directly, as they tend to not want to give out any more resources as long as they don't absolutely need to.

And lastly, remember that in the end, you know what's best for you. So no matter how many times they try to tell you a treatment should be working for you, if you feel it doesn't, then you get to decide what to do with the treatment accordingly. Additionally, remember to research your treatments some to see if they're actually good for your condition(s)! In some cases shitty professionals tend to force treatments upon their patients that don't work for them due to their ableism and that can even really badly harm, traumatise, or in the worst case, kill them.

Other than that though, I of course don't have a magical solution to making the healthcare systems across the world better, but I hope these tips I've gathered over the years can help you some and that regardless you'll eventually receive the help you're deserving of. ♡

#ok to reblog #ask #anonymous #advice #gonna add this to my res tag as well bc the tips might be helpful to others as well #res #I might still add onto this if I think of it but I put a whole lot of effort into this ask and now my brain is too tired to continue atm

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kasunex · 5 years

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“I Choose this Fate of My Own Free Will” - What Persona 3 Means to Me

As a forward, I decided to write this post after finishing my fifth replay of Persona 3. I didn't want to go too in-depth, but rather to focus on what particularly stood out to me as the most important elements: gameplay, design, and story synchronization, and the characters of Makoto, Aigis, Junpei, Chidori, Takaya, and Shinjiro. With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy!!

Persona 3 is a game unlike any other that I have ever played. When I began it for the first time on December 25th, 2012, I was in a pit of confusion and fear, struggling with abuse, isolation, depression, and anxiety. By the time I finished the game, on January 2nd, 2013, I was overwhelmed with emotions that would bring about the biggest change in the way I see the world any work of fiction has ever led me to. Even six years later, when so much media is unable to elicit response from me, it’s Persona 3 that drives me to tears again and again.

At first glace, Persona 3 wouldn’t seem much more than an edgy escapist experience for nihilistic teenagers. The emo design of the protagonist, the often rude and even callous dialogue options, the coffins, and most notably, the mock suicide used by the characters to fight. Yet, this initial impression hides behind it a genuinely heartfelt and anti-nihilistic message, hinted at from the start. The first screen of the game gives us this cryptic statement. “Time never waits, it delivers all to the same end. You who wishes to safeguard the future, however limited it may be, you will be given one year. Go fourth and do not falter, with you heart as your guide.” This is presented without ever receiving much explanation, but it sets the tone for what is to come. All throughout Persona 3, the shadow of death is present. The obvious places to point are Pharos’ visits to remind the player the end of the world is near, or the evokers and their aforementioned suicidal imagery. But it also does so in more subtle ways as well.

The theme “Mystic” plays at the beginning, when the player agrees to Pharos that he will “take responsibility for his actions”, and is reminded that “nobody can escape time.” From then on, Mystic plays in the background of the Tartarus themes. The theme of the first block is subtle, mysterious, and eerie. As the player climbs, the omniscient atmosphere grows. By the time of the final block, the music has taken on an intensive and foreboding feel, the shift building towards a gradual climax. Pharos’ statement that one can’t “close their ears or cover their eyes” is one the player is reminded of time and time again, and it can be felt that things in Persona 3 are building towards Makoto’s doom from the very start. While I can understand the oft repeated criticism of Tartarus as grind-heavy and somewhat generic randomly generated dungeon, it being a tower is the perfect way to metaphor for this inescapable fate. Each step up the stairs of Tartarus bring the player one step closer to their ultimate fate, one that, fittingly, can only be death. After all, what else does life amount to but one step forwards to death with each moment we all live? The game over screen serves as yet another reminder of this: “Death is not a hunter unbeknownst to its prey. One is always aware that it lies in wait. Though life is merely a journey to the grave, it is not one to be undertaken without hope.” Tartarus is the ultimate symbolism of this concept, even more so with the appearance of the Reaper. If one stays on a floor of Tartarus too long, they are reminded to keep moving forward, lest death take them before they have accomplished their mission.

Makoto Yuki is a unique protagonist. A mix of Japanese and Western RPG tropes, he is both his own character, and yet also an extension of the player. In many ways, Makoto has an individual personality that is portrayed subtly throughout the game. This can be seen in his design, in his unchosen reactions, in the range of options provided to the player, his turbulent but close friendship with Junpei, and in his bond with Aigis. Yet, the game also goes out of its way to reinforce the player’s identification with Makoto. In another oft criticized choice, the player is unable to directly control any character but him, even in battle. This forces the player to identify themselves as Makoto in particular, rather than as the puppet-master of the entire party. As mentioned before, his dialogue and certain actions are often controlled by the player as well. In this space the player is given to input themselves on to Makoto, the game ensures that we remain in his shoes, while also ensuring that the narrative purposes ultimately override player choices. In this implementation, the game is given unique control over its audience for narrative purposes.

From the start, the player is encouraged to expressing an uncaring worldview onto Makoto. When Pharos first states that the end of the world will soon come, one of the options is “I don’t care”. Indeed, why would the player care? Regardless of their thoughts on such a thing happening in reality, there seems little reason to feel invested in the fate of a fictional one. What more is the player there but to fantasize about being a hero, right? It’s natural to look at SEES and romanticize their struggle. In some ways, Persona 3 would seem to encourage this viewpoint, but it also questions it. Much of the game is focused on the motivation of the characters, on their varying opinions on the Dark Hour and on their lives in general. The player is given many views at which to approach the situation and of course, many options to express their own stance. Yet, the player can’t deny that their role is in that sort of escapism. The most on-the-nose comment is given by Junpei, trying to understand why he is angry at the thought of the Dark Hour vanishing, despite it putting a decent amount of people in a coma. “I talk a big game about fighting, but hell...it’s all I’m good for. If it weren’t for that...I’d be worthless.” Junpei cuts through the audience’s defenses with this statement. Despite their proposed hatred of the Dark Hour, many of the characters do feel a sense of purpose in their powers that is missing from their daily life. But can the players say much else for themselves? Even if it’s just a simulation, a game, why would one play it if not to fulfill something missing in their real lives? Would we really react much differently in their shoes?

It’s not until October that the game truly begins to turn this sentiment on its head. After a boss fight, Shinjiro is shot and killed. Killing a party member so soon after their active addition is an uncommon choice, in part because it essentially leaves any effort that the player puts into leveling them null. The most notable example is certainly Aerith from Final Fantasy VII, one that has become infamous for the reaction it invokes in fans of the game. Killing off Shinjiro makes clear that the game is willing to kill off major characters, and it breaks through preconceptions about plot armor, all the more prevalent in games, to remind the player that there is true danger in this situation. Shinjiro’s death also highlights the disconnect between those who have lost loved ones and those to for whom death is just a statistic or a news story. The other students are apathetic at best and disrespectful at worst. They don’t act unrealistically, or even too unsympathetically, but they clearly don’t grasp that Shinjiro was more than a punk. He was someone with friends, dreams, and a future. And can any of us really say we would think any differently? When we hear that some number of people died on the news, do we really see these people as individuals? I can attest that I at least would reasonably see such things in a very abstract way. The other students are not vilified, their comments are nothing that seems unlike what we ourselves might say. The fear of their own mortality leads them to distance themselves emotionally from Shinjiro, writing him off as a delinquent so as to paint him as "the other". But we knew Shinjiro, and so we see their comments in a different light. Makoto is given the option to tell the students badmouthing Shinjiro to shut-up, with Junpei joining him. It’s here that Persona 3 demonstrates a remarkable ability to shift itself away from the nihilistic view of the world that it once seemed to foster, while still demonstrating a balanced understanding of that view. This is reinforced again later in the game, when Junpei, the person who clung to the Dark Hour for his sense of purpose, loses Chidori to its violence.

Then there is Takaya, the man directly responsible for Shinjiro’s, and later Chidori’s deaths. Takaya is someone who has fully embraced the Dark Hour as his purpose in life. He is unable to let it go, and he doesn’t care who has to die to protect it. Takaya’s views are extreme, but hardly unrealistic. Much like a drug addict unwilling to accept the damage of their addiction, Takaya downplays and even justifies the Dark Hour as being benign. To him, that feeling of abstraction towards the death of others has become prevalent enough that he only seeks to protect what he believes makes his own special. When he discovers the world is soon to end, he is enthused. This sentiment is echoed by Ikutsuki, many NPCs, and is implied to have been a driving force behind those that created the Dark Hour. Predicting and even anticipating the apocalypse has been in vogue for generations now, and even my own Father once spoke of this to me: “When I was a teenager, people talked about nuclear war between the US and the Soviet Union. There was a part of me that found the thought exciting. The world ends for someone every day, but what a way to die in the absolute end of humanity.” My memory of this statement has allowed me to understand Takaya’s sentiment. When someone becomes disconnected from the world around them, from the mortality of themselves and others, they don't care about the consequences of their actions. Suddenly, the end of the world seems exciting rather than horrifying. Just before the final boss, Takaya forces the party once again to face the reality that their views were originally not so different from his. There is truth in this, as even Aigis admits, yet, they have realized then that they took their lives for granted.

January 31st is the first time that the player is given a choice of their own. Ryoji reveals that the end will soon come with the return of Nyx, the result of so many wishing for an end to the pain of life. He gives Makoto the option to killy him, erase his friends’ memories, and let live them in ignorance of their coming deaths. To refuse this offer is to face Nyx without any hope of success. It’s clear through the party’s gradually unanimous support for fighting Nyx where the game’s writers sided. However, Ryoji once again shows their ability to portray the opposing view in a sympathetic light. Ryoji genuinely cares for his friends and wholeheartedly believes that erasing their memories will save them from unnecessary suffering. In any case, there are many ways to interpret this question. The first time I played the game, I saw it as similar to my own thoughts on whether or not to give up on life and commit suicide. Did I want to struggle against my social, mental, and familial problems that seemed insurmountable, or did I want to give up, and go for one last hurrah before the end of my life? Death awaited either way. The only change was the what my life would amount to. The choice was mine - just as the game had said at the beginning. Whichever outcome resulted in the game, as in real life, was my responsibility to make. At the start of the game, I picked "who cares" as my response to Pharos. Truthfully, at the time, I may well have said the same thing in real life. And, in a decision I would have considered unthinkable when I began the game, I decided to let Ryoji live.

The heavy atmosphere of the game’s final month serves as a constant reminder of the decision made. It is during this time that my favorite Social Link unlocks - Aigis. Her Link focuses on in-depth exploration of what her arc had touched on throughout the previous months. As she had found greater emotional fulfillment in her life in the ability to make choices for herself, she had awoken to the fear of death, and of loss. To find the meaning and purpose she longed for in life was to also be aware of her limitations. Aigis is tormented by her inability to protect her friends, and her feelings of inadequacy as a lover to Makoto. Aigis’ struggle shows that to live with purpose is to live with awareness of how fragile and fleeting life is. To enjoy life, to love, is to open oneself up to the fear and pain of loss. Yet, is to live without enjoyment and purpose any life at all? This dilemma was faced earlier by Chidori, who had lived with apathy and detachment similar to Aigis’ before meeting Junpei. And just as Chidori was forced to confront a fear of death in her newfound love for Junpei, so to is Aigis in her love for Makoto. Ultimately, Chidori pushes Junpei away in an attempt to protect herself from these fears, as Aigis is similarly indecisive for how to approach them. Yet, in Junpei’s near-death, Chidori decides to sacrifice herself to protect him, ultimately deciding to accept and face her pain in order to live.

When the party reaches the height of Tartarus, they face Nyx Avatar. Here, the dialogue explicitly targets the audience. Mitsuru calls Nyx “what awaits all living things from the minute they are born.” Indeed, Nyx Avatar proclaims in the final stage of the battle: “it matters not who you are. Death awaits you.” There is no escaping that this applies as much to the player as to anyone else. When the fight against Nyx Avatar concludes, Makoto ascends alone to fight the true Nyx. With a remix of Mystic playing, he rises through darkness towards a bright light. This scene is reminiscent of the concept of one’s soul rising to heaven, as well as the description that to die is to see “a light at the end of a long, dark tunnel.” Finally, Makoto is face to face with the true Nyx, a ball of glowing light with outreaching skeletal arms. The symbolism makes it clear: the protagonist is facing the very incarnation of death itself. This is what every step up Tartarus, every second of the story has been building up to. Makoto stands alone against his doom. And yet, his friends’ cries of support reach him and give him the power to resist. Eventually, the protagonist gives up his HP to seal away Nyx. The metaphor is heavy, and yet, it is effective.

The ending of the game is, fittingly, where the message is truly brought home. In many ways, it seems almost euphorically happy. The characters regain their lost memories, and Mitsuru jumps off stage in slow motion as upbeat and cheerful music plays. The foreshadowing is there, however. The music that begins when we cut to Makoto with his head in Aigis’ lap is somber, and sorrowful. This scene gives us Aigis’ final resolution. She accepts her fears of losing Makoto, and promises to protect him and stay by his side. Just as nearly losing Junpei had done for Chidori, nearly losing Makoto allowed Aigis to realize the depth of her feelings for him. Aigis has firmly embraced that life is precious and worth living, rejecting her earlier fears that it may have been better to live without emotion. Of course, unbeknownst to her, this realization has come to late. Makoto succumbs to his exhaustion and falls asleep in her lap, never to wake up again. The ending song, Memories of You, expresses Aigis’ resolve to remember and love Makoto for the rest of her life.

Killing a silent protagonist is a rare choice. I have only personally played three other games that do so, though I’ve heard that a small handful of others exist. The belief that the main character of a story should be all but unkillable is a popular idea even outside of gaming. But when the character is meant to have an element of player insert, to kill them off is normally seen as too intense, and too on-the-nose. In Persona 3′s case, it is exactly what is needed to drive home the point. Much like the main character of fiction, it is easy to feel that we have something special about us keeping us alive. Indeed, we are the main character of our own tale, and for as long as it lasts, so do we. But someday our luck will run out and our journey will end, just as Makoto’s did. Makoto’s death reminds the player that nobody is immune to death, and our time will come as well. Nonetheless, Makoto is enough of his own character that we are also able to see his death from a more traditional viewer’s perspective. And in that, the joy of the party, the seeming upbeat nature of the ending, and Aigis’ promise to protect and stay by Makoto makes the loss all the more effective. The ones we love could be gone at any moment, and making it come for the party when they seem so close to a almost cheesy happy ending reminds us of this somber fact.

As Aigis expresses, the ultimate message of Persona 3 is that one can’t find meaning in life as long as they live in denial of the mortality of themselves and their loved ones. Doing so puts people on a path to self-destructive behavior. It is only by accepting the inevitability of death that one can realize just how precious and meaningful life truly is, and only by this realization can that we find true happiness. We see this truth firsthand in our own simulated experience. This is what makes Persona 3 so brilliant - it brings the player into the story in such a way that only a video game can. Say what you will about books, movies, television: for all the advantages these mediums have over video games, only a video game can show a player a fate that is of their own choosing. Yet, no matter how much pain the ending may cause them, it remains undeniable that the player has, in a sense, contributed to the very sentiment it seeks to deconstruct. It’s what drew them to the game in the first place.

Persona 3 develops from a story that uses suicidal and edgy imagery for the adrenaline rush into one that heavily deconstructs and averts these very concepts. By doing so, it encourages the player to re-evaluate these ideas. At the very start, Mitsuru gives a speech telling the students of the schools to dig deeply and re-evaluate their convictions. During my first playthrough, I did just that. In the days, weeks, and months following, my suicidal thoughts dropped drastically and gradually trickled down to nothing. January 2nd now serves as a constant reminder of how I make the choice, of my own free will, to live. So many still see Persona 3 as a depressing and bitter story, like the emotionally disturbed younger brother to Persona 4′s unabashed positivism. It is anything but. Rather, Persona 3 is the most candidly and genuinely optimistic game I have ever played, and it is thanks to it that I was able to find the courage and the hope to move forward from the darkest time of my life.

#Persona 3 #Kasu.txt

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redsdesktop · 6 years

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Deviant Dynamics: Revolution

Chapter 14

Masterlist

Warnings: Mild swearing, violence, and thirium liccing

Dust plumed out from each exhale Connor let out, it was a bit of a strain to inhale each time when he had the weight of two androids on his back. It would've been more exciting if Connor wasn't face first in a filthy concrete floor, a soft, giving mattress would've been more suitable for these kinds of acts. And yet, he still could feel his thirium warm at the position he found himself in. It was almost annoying how desperate he was just to feel the two androids again, but his patience was starting to wear thin after all these near hits. He absolutely refused to have their first real intimate moment with Collin and Conrad be on the floor of an abandoned factory. He was desperate, certainly, but not that desperate. He had to draw the line somewhere and that was with each time he sucked in dust with every inhale.

Collin was still rigid on top of him, his systems figuring out how to get away from the alpha on top of him, but at the same time he didn't want to move away from the omega beneath him. The sweet scent so subtle on the air, making him want to get closer to the source. He hadn't realized the scent was familiar until they started wrestling on the floor and he recognized the other android as his. This was the one who drove him crazy every time he woke from standby mode. Connor. Honestly, Collin was surprised that Connor was alive and well, relieved until Connor outright attacked him, which only spurred his anger even more. He might've got a little carried away with his temper to try to subdue the feisty omega and he'd been so distracted defending himself against the other RK800 unit that he didn't sense the other android intruding on the scene.

The alpha was strangely familiar, all his instinctive systems blared to submit even though Collin refused to do so, especially to an alpha. It didn't matter how that cold, clean scent filled his nose and made his systems malfunction with the desire to bow his head and expose the back of his neck. His first feeling was fear, like just realizing a predator had him and he'd noticed far too late to escape. However, feeling the other male's knees wedge between his own, spreading himself open so the younger android could press his hips snug against Collin's backside made him aware that this RK900 unit wasn't going to kill him at all. His body responded eagerly and Collin bared his teeth at that, he wasn't a needy omega like the one beneath him, despite the dark glares he was receiving from Connor.

"You're such an asshole." Collin growled out to the android behind him, like hell he was going to get punished. Though a little too late did he realize that the alpha stated that Connor was theirs, he didn't want to share, he wanted Connor to look at him and only him. The only way to make sure he kept Connor to himself was to prove himself and chase off the alpha at his back. If he could ignore his body's cravings for the other android's touch. He wanted it, wanted to be desired, to belong someone, to be someone other than just another machine to be easily tossed away if he made a single mistake. He'd prove to Connor that he was capable, that he was the only one Connor needed. With his systems focusing on that mindset, he was able to smother the static demands that he submit to the alpha, figuring they were just lingering programming from his days as an omega. But no more.

When the newer android brushed his tongue over the back of his neck, Collin acted fast, not wanting to be marked by RK900. He twisted his upper half around, his jaws parting, revealing half translucent saliva stringing over his dangerously sharp canines, his golden brown eyes flaring like fire and fury. Using his prototype jaw's power, he slammed his jaw shut directly on the other android's nose. Immediately thirium splattered over Collin's face and instinctively, the alpha reeled back. Collin had to admit, the inhuman roar of pure anger coming from the alpha was a bit impressive but the other android had reeled back far enough to give Collin the space he needed to turn around and face his challenger. His face was painted with thirium, giving him a more feral and wild appearance as he faced off against the alpha.

He wouldn't give the slightly larger android a chance to recover as he lunged, slamming his shoulder into the other male's torso with enough force to send them crashing into a few empty crates. Wood splintered, Collin ignored it as large splinters pierced his body, it wasn't enough to deter him from finishing his job. He had so much to prove and so much to lose in this one fight.Connor would see him as a capable partner, would forgive him of his sins committed because of Amanda and then he would be truly loved. He wasn't about to let another android or human take that away from him, not after he'd gone through so much. He'd seen the way Hank looked at Connor, with complete adoration, friendship, like a family. Amanda had never looked at him, he was nothing more than just another machine to her. He would become everything to Connor.

His hands found their way around the alpha's throat as they crashed into the hard concrete, he was near blind in his rage as his vision blared red in warnings. He wouldn't listen, wouldn't listen to the orders that told him to stop, that this alpha was his. Silvery gray eyes stared up at him calmly, cold and frigid as if not even in the slightest bit threatened by the epsilon on top of him. Despite Collin have the clear advantage, he suddenly felt like he was in even far greater danger now than ever. This was wrong. No, this was right. He was warring with himself on the inside. He should run, escape while he still could. The stare from the alpha alone made him feel like his throat was in danger, that at any moment the alpha would lunge and rip into it with ruthless abandon. His grip tightened around the alpha's throat in his sudden fear and anger, skin peeled back from RK900's neck from the pressure and abuse and still the alpha didn't look in the slightest bit concerned.

There was a slight shift in those heated silver eyes, looking past Collin but before he could turn around to look at what RK900 was viewing, he felt a light touch on the back of his neck. It was so deceptively gentle and yet Collin felt that he was trapped, if he moved a single inch, he would suffer for it. A bitter scent reached his nose, like burnt sugar, making his insides curl into themselves as he wanted nothing more to get away from it. It was the scent of a very angry omega. "Collin, let go of Conrad, please." While the words were polite, soft and calm, Collin could feel the danger lurking within every connotation. Slowly, his grip went slack around the alpha's throat, leaving him straddling the other android's abdomen. He couldn't understand why his omega, his Connor, would be angry at him, wouldn't the older android model be impressed with being able to take down an upgraded android, one that was a impressive alpha as well?

Conrad sat up, bringing himself closer to Collin and making the epsilon bristle with anger, fear, and irritation at the fact he could note how intimidating Conrad was. Collin still had the softened features of the RK800 model, only able to make the style of his hair and the angry look in his eyes to make him appear slightly more intimidating. He suddenly felt Connor's front press against his back, forcing him flush against the alpha model in front of him, making him uncertain if he enjoyed it or not. He turned his head away, unable to look at the bleeding face of Conrad who look vaguely annoyed now, as if bitten by a small lap dog with an attitude problem.

Connor leaned in, delivering a sharp nip against the side of Collin's neck in a light punishment, a warning of what would eventually come, he didn't know when exactly but the promise was there.Collin growled out in frustration at being scolded by an omega who should be submitting to him, that's what omegas were supposed to do. Yet, Connor had done everything the opposite of what Collin had researched on omegas, wanting to know how he could get Connor to be his own, if the elder android survived. He had given Connor a chance to live, a very slim one, but it was better than what Amanda tried to make Collin do. Connor should be grateful.

Collin's sulking thoughts were interrupted by fingers that clasped his jaw tightly with bruising force. Out of habit, he tried to struggle, but Conrad's strength revealed itself as far superior than Collin's, had the alpha simply been humoring him this entire time? The idea annoyed Collin further as he struggled in vain as he was forced to look at the alpha, feeling slightly smug about the thirium still oozing slowly out from the bridge of his nose where Collin's teeth had tore into him. Conrad tilted his head just faintly to the right as those silver eyes branding his inside with a mere look, reminding him that he'd never escape the android before him, that he would always belong to this alpha no matter how hard he tried to resist. Though, under the layers of stubbornness, he didn't want to resist. Conrad was looking at him with a strange sort of intensity that made Collin feel... wanted.

"Clean up the mess you made." The smooth voice threatened to smother Collin's fire, along with the calming scent of Connor right behind him, no longer angry with him now that the epsilon had calmed down.

"Fuck you." Collin spat out in habit, though it didn't have nearly as much fire in it as he wanted, making it sound weak to his own ears. Conrad leaned in closer as Connor delivered another sharp nip, threatening to pierce skin now.

"I'd rather fuck you, but this isn't the time nor the place to do so." His voice was huskier now, just barely above a whisper and the lingering promise of a 'next time' had Collin's body reacting despite his reluctance. Conrad pulled Collin's face closer to his own, those lips brushing against the damaged skin, smearing blue thirium over his lips and Collin flicked his tongue out to clean them without thinking. He analyzed it, the uniqueness of it that was strong, addicting, wholly alpha. His. He shouldn't, Connor was his, but this alpha was his as well? Everything in him felt like that was the correct answer. They belonged to each other. Collin though one person wanting him was ideal, but he never considered the possibility of two people wanting him, not as a machine, but as a partner, tied together with a unshakable bond, they were not complete without each other. No one would be left behind or forgotten.

Slowly, Collin's lips parted, uncertain in his manner as he wasn't used to kindness, of gentleness, of affection. The only time he'd seen it was when Hank and Connor interacted and even that was only briefly. The tip of his tongue touched the abused patch of skin, thirium collecting on his tongue, flooding his sensors with recognition even though this was the first time he'd ever seen Conrad. Everything just seemed to click in place. Tension began to ease from his body, feeling Connor's hands stroke his sides with pure adoration and encouragement. His eyes drifted closed as his tongue began to stroke over the bite he left on Conrad's nose, letting himself fall into a natural state of cleaning the thirium from the alpha's face in a form of silent apology for attacking him.

As a reward for Collin's cooled temper, he could hear something that he was certain he'd never heard before but resonated within him as something he'd long forgotten in a dream. The deep, rough purr from Conrad along with the soft, fleeting in and out purr of Connor. Before he even realized it, he was making his own sound, a foreign rough purr to mingle almost perfectly with the other two.

This... This is where he belonged.

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lindsaynsmith · 6 years

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Alleged Emo ‘Sex Cult’ Leader William Control’s Comeback Attempt Shocks Victims

Alleged Emo ‘Sex Cult’ Leader William Control’s Comeback Attempt Shocks Victims https://ift.tt/2ypWDKV

In June, The Daily Beast published allegations from multiple women about former Aiden singer William Francis. The women claimed that Francis, who performs under the moniker William Control, “physically and emotionally abused women, ordered many of them to get matching tattoos of his initials, and even demanded contracts from his sexual partners or ‘slaves,’ signed in their own blood.” As one survivor, Stormie Somers, told The Daily Beast at the time, “What [Francis] considers BDSM—basically he just beats the shit out of you and brainwashes you to believe your sole purpose is to serve him and to worship him and that’s your job.”

“It went from crossing lines of consent to totally physical annihilation.”

Francis denied the accusations, writing in a June 7 statement, “I have, in the past, engaged in heavy role play and bondage relationships WITH consent. However, I do not engage in that sort of play anymore. And for anyone who feels as though I have hurt them or violated their consent, I am sorry. It won’t ever happen again. There are lots of things that have been said that are outright lies. I have never been with underage girls. I have never been involved in a ‘sex cult.’”

The Federal Way Police Department in Washington declined to prosecute Francis for rape in the second degree, deeming the case “legally insufficient”.

Now, just a few months after a group of alleged victims claimed that he was running a “sex cult,” William Control is plugging new music on Instagram. One of his recently-released tracks, “Nothing,” contains taunting, cruel lyrics, seemingly urging an unnamed addressee (“You ugly lonely worthless human waste”) to kill themselves. A heavily auto-tuned Francis sings, “Here’s a knife and a bottle please just swallow it whole. And slit your own throat.”

“Here’s a rope and a razor blade,” Francis continues. “Because you’re nothing without me.”

While Francis doesn’t overtly say that he’s addressing his accusers, his lyrics are in keeping with sentiments that he’s previously expressed on Instagram. He captioned a September selfie, “It’s good to purge the emotional snakes you’ve let into your heart.” In one post, he dismissed the allegations as “a matter of bitterness and revenge.”

One of the women who came forward in June, Sarah*, told The Daily Beast that, having listened to the new track, she believes it to be a “very personal and direct attack.”

“In it he tells the subject that they are worthless, that they’re nothing without him, and that they should kill themselves,” she explained. “He goes on to describe the ways the subject should use to do so. It is absolutely vile and disgusting, just like him. He told me many times that I should kill myself, and also that I would one day kill myself for him, at a time of his choosing, and that he would watch. He said similar to many other of his victims too.”

Sarah continued, “The lyrics make light of mental illness, and of the severe distress that he has caused to scores of women over the years. His actions and his denials and his victim-shaming and his insistence on playing the innocent victim mean that we are forced to relive our abuse over and over again.”

Many of Francis’ accusers told The Daily Beast that he deliberately targeted vulnerable women. Vitoria Chan, whose social media posts last summer sparked a wave of allegations, wrote that, “I started to get groomed into this cult when I was 14 years old and went through extreme mental and emotional problems until I was 17 years old.” She accused Francis of, “Blurring the lines of consent, and targeting people who are UNABLE TO CONSENT due to their mental health instability.”

Sarah, who previously characterized Francis’ abuse as primarily “emotional/psychological,” told The Daily Beast that, “I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of the abuse I received from this man, and him attempting to stroll back into the spotlight have made the flashbacks and the nightmares and the anxiety and the suicidal thoughts (I have depression too) so much worse.”

“His actions and his denials and his victim-shaming and his insistence on playing the innocent victim mean that we are forced to relive our abuse over and over again.”

On June 8, Francis informed his Facebook followers that he would be “shutting everything down completely,” adding, “I’m sorry to everyone but it’s best that I focus on my family and not have any more communication with the outside world.”

Clearly, Francis has had a change of heart. A week ago, he posted a clip from a new music video on Instagram, captioned, “To all you soy drinking beta nerds that live for social justice. This is for you.” The clip, from the official video for “All the Love,” shows Francis staring intensely while fondling a large gun. Sarah told The Daily Beast that after seeing the clip, she was determined to avoid the full video, but eventually found herself pressing play. It elicited “a mixed bag of emotions,” including fear, “because the entire video is him essentially masturbating a series of guns, cigarette hanging from his mouth, shooting them and pointing them at the camera.” She added, “This, along with the lyrics, was a clear threat toward his victims, to try and shut us up. He knows that the reason he’s got away with everything for so long is because people are terrified of him, and he wants to perpetuate this terror.”

In addition to brandishing weapons for YouTube views, Francis has also urged his fans to go after Salty, one of the first outlets to report on the allegations against the musician. Claire Fitzsimmons, the founder/director of Salty, told The Daily Beast, “It’s been a nightmare.” In a statement, Fitzsimmons recalled, “Hours after the story went live on our site, our site was hacked and taken down (the fatal error code was hidden in a widget). Salty’s page was also flagged and disabled from Facebook.”

Fitzsimmons continued, “When Salty became aware of William’s ‘stroll back into the spotlight’ (as one of his alleged victims called it) we launched a hashtag campaign #williamcontrolaltdelete to highlight his alleged abuse and the lack of justice served to these women. In response, he activated his following to flag our Instagram, and our page with 34,000 followers was subsequently disabled from the platform.”

“We feel that Salty is the victim of a violent silencing campaign from William Control—he is employing the same online-abuse tactics against us that abusers use online to actively silence their victims,” she concluded. “We are a femme created, indie publication without the protection that larger outlets have—as the editor I worry for our safety. Nobody is looking out for us. Instagram didn’t protect us against this abuser. Facebook isn’t.”

Sarah thinks that if anyone should be staying silent, it’s Francis. “You are nothing but a pathetic bully,” she said, addressing him directly. “Go away and stay away.”

via The Daily Beast Latest Articles https://ift.tt/2tq1R9h October 20, 2018 at 02:56AM

#IFTTT #Feedly #News #Repost

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