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madfantasy · 3 years

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I haven't seen you post in a while, I hope you've been doing okay? How is everything? Hope it's been a good year so far for you 💕💕

You're too kind, u & everyone who made inquiries, bless ur hearts.. im sorry for disappearing, but yeah, I don't have net— using my phone credit and hope this posts..

I tried to record my voice answering this, like I sometimes did on tik, suddenly ended up trying to muffle the floods of my burning tears, so now I have an awkward vid of me talking then weeping out of nowhere, which a good reason for me to keep up the no cry habit, heh.. but seriously, I suppose I'm fine till I be conscious of it.. its much easier for not to talk .. even tho I'm aching to be back in thy company, lonely in my foresight to catch on to the present that joins us, hand held out to reach like minded souls but shying from the fear of forgetfulness occurring..

I'm fine tho, did few new stuff, merely drowning in too muchness and nothingness as usual, this month I guess you could say I took an act of mad fury in search of any happy source because the echoing silence and the swarm of sadness nipping on my brain cells thickened, and the reasoning merged with the obscene. So instead of giving my guardians the usual of 3/4 of my earnings last month for net and groceries, I spent it all. Ya know, as it was told to me it mine to do as I please? As being prevented any chance of work if it was possible, 't was supposed to be spent on art supplies & measly delights craved for years ?

Before hand, I've been begging them to take me for months to get any clothing or whatever, be it the first time I ever see a shop, then just to drive around, then just me peaking to the outside when the front door is open, merely seeking change I suppose. They kept vaguely promising me until they refused point blank— getting tired of my nagging, then their car just stopped working till this day. Its in the workshop rn..

Anyway, befouled by despair, needing the mere basics of life and not granted, I was delighted when i found a site to buy from cheap & pretty, I pressed buy without any further considerations, or taking their permission and thrilled to be able get gifts for my siblings too. I say gifts but really they are deprived necessities too and not even much just one each cuz well, they are 5 of my babies and to start with the top of priorities; we all draw

I could already see it, they can't help themselves; heck seeped through the clenched gates of their mouths, trying desperately to poison me with undirect attempts this time, cuz I bought for my sibs they're out of the option of calling me selfish. I was upping the same trance like state of vague existence dealing with them, absorbing their insults and degrading just to make sure my shi arrives safe.

Unfortunate for me, the site chose the worst carrier in this country

I did everything in my power to make it into their convenience, by embarrassingly messaging the carrier daily, they took a week of promising to deliver and flanking so my guardians reached a heated level of threatening, waving their hands nd almost tossing shi at mE saying that they don't care if they came and if i dared to order something again they'll do this and that. Not allowing me to open the door for the delivery guy when he comes, blaming me for missing vaccination dates (they kept missing them even before)& missing going to important places(again, they just didn't go to for ages), made them loose sleep, etc etc— in turn, I seen red and regretfully blew up.

I screamed at them its literally the only time I ever did this, it BECAUSE it easier on them & I'll do what I want whatever anyway, & to stop interrupting me while I try to explain things , then they suddnly back done and be like I'm not mad at u I'm mad at the delivery ppl, that they are proud of me for being able to do all this, and such sort. I left them to cool in my room, Idk how I did it but must have slam-gripped something so hard it chipped most of my short nails & cracked one, was glad I didn't hurt my drawing hand but yeah, goofy mani

They robbed me of the joy of anticipation & the dissipation of apathy, I started to lose sleep again and my liberating dreams left me and I don't think I remember leaving bed.

But still, If not force myself to do things.. there'll be nothing for me if I don't.. at least I know im able of that

I got my guardians happy tho after another tiresome refusal, by trying out one of those Uber-eat like local apps here, since they have no car and being disabled & ill, I ordered McDonald's for the first time. Slythry behind their backs per habit, told them someone coming and they had that look again, but thankfully the guy came through and didn't steal my money, heh. For a big 1800 calories meal I suppose it was passable, the happy fam faces I got was the real treat..

Oh with that thing with the credit card stating I owe them money, waited weeks & nobody got back to us? They started taking from my guardian's account directly to pay it, saying oh we did send you warnings--- TO THE SHADOWY LINES OF THEIR POSTERIOR A.K.A NOWHERE. Thankfully the account is mostly empty nd just for random transactions, i alerted my guardians not to use it. And again, my god, another round of endless calls and promises started, and we wait again so they just don't act as if we owe them a frking 17k dollars that we don't have.. was panicking cuz I have nothing and but my guardians were weirdly comforting about it and told me not to worry

One thing good bout no net is it made me stop thinking about life in general, and stop the tiny unnoticeable prick of misery when I have no input to share, trying not to helplessly compare people just living, in inflated style or not, in media, to my isolated-most-of-my-life style and missing much of that organic "life experiences and chances", heh. At least, my situation would be favorable to me if it was ever possible for it to let me have peace, or have the simple knowledge I'm not virtually imprisoned and have never familiarised with nothing of this world but the surrounding walls.. its nice to have more time to be consumed by muse and day dreaming that flutters life through my dull being and sing chorus of inspiring means for art to flow and finds its way delicately onto my realised canvas.. but no, I continued drawing whilst sight blurred with salty droplets contradicting that happy tintin dance on tiktok I worked so long on just cuz I couldn't stop, not the tears or the mad scribbles of determined intention to visualise the mourned excitement I need, hating everything I make

Somehow the lilac dream still intrudes, visualising me friends, living, in a quaint home, maybe we roommate, arm in arm we go to make every fracture of fate's encounters a disgusting adventurous thrill, like building a maze of cardboard or chasing each other in the dark.. maybe getting that half bleached head and endless ear pericings ... then it dies and I totally forget it..

But what those awesome headphones helped me do, literally blocks all their voices listening to Sev losing it and I can Waltz around not feeling gutted to go and interfere or play the referee each time. But I can't wear them forever, gives me a bad headache, and honestly; I can't be too neglectful.. my sibs hates me for it already hehe

At least these clothing came true to their measurements, felt the new sensations on how everything I wore hugs me & learnt the baffling ways on how "gender" and region plays different tunes on the same measurements. Getting fitting things felt like suddenly there's hope to be, for myself to be me, and ease this severe disassociation between who I am, and what my body is .. from how little I see myself nd consider it worthy of anything because of how long it been living like a phantom among people.. to numb this dysphoria until it be gone one day

Saddened that the only site I can't order from again if they keep using that awful carrier

...

I missed our country's 91 national day, too. They made sales everything 91 riyal so.. but knowing the sellers here, I don't think most of em went true with their offers.. Horrible news tho on the celebrations, sigh

I turned this into a dear diary, guess bothered you enough today, sorry

So thankful to yous, Idk if I can be back, but I'll remain creating, and will keep the thought alive of being tickled when sharing my creations with your viewing pleasure somehow

'till then my precious dears, take care 💛🙏

26.9.2021, 8 pm, sleeping

#ask #text #diary #personal #my art #miss

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strawberrycamel · 3 years

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Fic Writer Review

tagged by: @aj-itated <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 30!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 46,254 words

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they? based on my Ao3 and my old ff.net account: 3 - Fairy Tail, BNHA, DP (though I haven't written for Fairy Tail or bnha in years)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? in order, that would be How to Take Out a Ghost by TooFineFoley, Bad Luck Tuck: The Sequel, ignorance is your new best friend, What Could Have Been, and, surprisingly, A Connoisseur of Fine Art (all DP or DP crossover fics)

5. Which of your fic do you want more attention for? both they're siblings, your honor and Big Boy Tucker. i can't choose, they both need love

6. Do you respond to comments, why or why not? i used to respond to them as often as I could at the start, but i kinda slacked off sometime around the beginning of summer classes. I used to respond to them because they made me really happy and i wanted to let the commenters know I did actually read it and am very grateful for their comments, but after a while it became... idk, draining? I felt bad about leaving the same response to each commenter and got caught up in my own head so I just kinda,, stopped all together. I wanna start responding again at some point, but uh, probably not anytime soon.

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

oh definitely One More Time; I think that's the only fic I've written without some kind of happy ending (anything in the Not Your Son series doesn't count since it's not finished yet :3) and I can't tell you how much it pained me not to make it happy. Don't get me wrong, I loved writing that for going angst week but hole-y shit did it fuck me up

8. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you’ve written? I do write crossovers! The craziest, I think, is my Strange vs. Work: Wife Swap AU, it's not done because I'm seriously stumped for it right now, but it's essentially a DP Marvel crossover where Clockwork and Dr. Strange are forced by a TV host ghost to switch bodies and mentor the other person's 'apprentice'. Peter and Danny have to help them get adjusted to their new environments/bodies and they all have to figure out how to turn things back to normal. This whole series is meant to be based off the show 'Wife Swap'. I have fun making Stephen suffer >:)

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic? not that i can remember? like i think it was more grammar and dialogue punctuation nitpicking on my old ff.net fics, never hate

10. Do you write smut? if so what kind? not really, but i have a singular wip that im working on that's definitely spicy

11. Have you ever had a fic translated? nope

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? no? (i was working on something a while ago but we havent finished so, I'm going with no)

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? i don't think I really have one. Usually I just read whichever fics have cool summaries or tags and just dive right in, ships be damned. Lately I've been reading a few TimKon fics and I've been thinking about Dark Ages, UFS, and Gray Ghost stuff a lot over the summer

14. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? oh, oh god. I'm going to say it and I'm going to feel real shitty about it because it's such a good fucking concept, but I can't bring myself to write anything more than what I already have written and all the notes I just randomly add onto it every once in a while. It even has a title: "Ectoplasmic Pudding".

It's a DP DC crossover fic wip and the plot is about Danny being called by Batman to help with a kidnapping case he suspects to involve ghosts; he needs Danny's expertise and help to capture the ghost. Danny agrees and he meets Batman and Robin (Dick Grayson) on the roof of the police station (after dropping face first onto it because he got blinded by the bat signal). They go by Batmobile and arrive at the scene of the crime where Danny confirms a ghost is involved. A bunch of different scenes of Danny and Robin having a blast while Batman's trying his best to stay on task and then, eventually, they find a warehouse where the box ghost is interrogating a bored looking Mr. Trand, the victim, about some fancy box commissioned by Vlad.

Danny figures out this guy is Bertrand in disguise and since Bertrand's essentially on vacation, they both agree to lie about how they know each other. And then I got stuck around here, but I imagine it just ends up being a series of dumb events where Batman, Robin, and Danny have to 'protect' Bertrand until they catch Boxy and throw him back into the Ghost Zone while the disguised ghost tries to make the most of the rest of his vacation.

Batman and Robin definitely don't believe whatever lie Danny came up with to explain how he knows Mr. Trand, but they go along with it until it's revealed in probably the worst way possible and leads to both of them trying to take the former kidnapping victim to the GIW while also trying to keep Danny from stopping them and barely listening to a word he says (maybe they think he's being threatened somehow or being controlled or smth, idk). Absolutely no clue how that whole fight goes, but in the end Danny kicks Box Ghost into the Zone and Bertrand is told very explicitly never to bring Spectra to Gotham.

15. What are your writing strengths? evoking emotion in my writing? yeah i'm going with that

16. What are your writing weaknesses? planning out plot ahead of time. I can write outlines and write a bunch of notes about what i want to include, that's not the problem. My problem is that all my motivation to write just drains away the moment I have a somewhat concrete plot planned out for a fic- this applies to one-shots and longfics exactly the same. And past that, sometimes I'll make one change to the planned plot and feel like tossing the whole thing out the window and going freehand without the 'constraints' of an outline or anything ..........

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? try not to offend anybody? like, look at good examples of how others have done it and do a lot of research and stuff. Also, be aware that not everything will translate perfectly from the original language you wrote the fic in and whatever language you're translating it to.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for? Fairy Tail

19. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written? Hellbent. A few others come close, but I seriously cannot express the joy i felt writing that first chapter (and when I'm done my minibang fic, I literally cannot wait to get back to it)

20. What fic are you most proud of? that's a tough one, there are a bunch i fucking adore but i think it's tied between The Big Dipper and ignorance is your new best friend

Tagging: @guardianrex, @shinygoldstar, @cleanlenins, @princessfanonanona, and @ghost-pasta!

#tag game #fic writer review #thanks for the tag aj <3

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spookybreadstick · 3 years

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hi, im new :) Dont worry abt what u write its rly good and ily💗 i came 2 stay and hope ur doing well!

I was hoping if i could get some fluffy™ headcanons or a scenario -whatever ur choice is- with a female reader and L.J? The reader has a strong sense of justice but is extremely compassiomate, wise, quiet/shy and like touch starved🥺🥺👉🏻👈🏻 sorry if im crinGe i need more content of him on this site-- Im not sure what else to add 2 help u w this since i just woke up lolol but yeah thank u sm in advance, i wish u all the best💌💛💋

hello newbie! thank you for stopping by and i’m glad you want to stay! i am doing pretty well (i took down my x-mas decorations today and there are a lot of them bc decorating is fun, so i had mini chocolate santas as a reward lol) i hope you are well, also! and thank you so much for the writing compliment, it means a lot to me!!

🍬 LJ x Reader (compassionate, wise, quiet/shy, touch-starved, strong sense of justice, female) Relationship HCs 🍬

💖💞💖💞💖💞

🍬 LJ thinks you’re the cutest girl in the whole world!!

🍬 He adores your compassionate nature, it makes him feel very happy to have such a caring girlfriend

🍬 He also likes that you are wise. It makes him feel very proud to have such a smart girlfriend.

🍬 You will have to step in to keep him out of trouble, and he'll listen to you.

🍬 If you tell him that telling that joke at the dinner table is a bad idea, or that you shouldn't trap a bunch of bees to launch at Jeff's head because he won't find it too funny, then he won't do it.

🍬 Which is saying something, because LJ usually just does what he wants despite other people's opinions because he thinks his bad jokes/pranks are funny.

🍬 But also, if you'd like to have some fun with him, you could tell him literally anything in a serious tone and he'd believe it 100%.

🍬 He trusts whatever you say because you are wise (especially compared to him lol, he's the opposite of wise)

🍬 If you have a strong sense of justice, that can mean a couple of different things:

Situation One: You're really into criminal justice and the law. This can be sort of a problem because, you know, LJ's "line of work". But LJ is totally justified in his actions IMO (remember, he 'deals with' those who have hurt children) so hopefully you understand. It's his personal way of dishing out justice, and if you get behind him on that, it'll make him feel even better about what he does. He'll be sure to keep you away from people like Jeff though, who don't dish out justice.

Situation Two: You're really into justice as in people being fair and treating others well, with those who don't getting what's coming to them in the end (like karma). LJ would love this, as he believes that being nice and making others happy is the key to your own happiness. Again, he would keep you away from Jeff who is kind of believes the opposite.

Situation Three: You're really into social justice (LGBTQ+ rights, equality, racial diversity, etc) which LJ adores about you. You correct him on his outdated language (he was created in the 1800s, and obviously times have changed since then). He would never want to offend anybody, but he often genuinely doesn't know because society has progressed past when people considered certain things appropriate in the 1800s. So if he says something outdated, please gently correct him, he wants to know and he'll refrain from using that word/phrase in the future. LJ also finds social justice topics very interesting, he could listen to you talk about them for hours.

🍬 LJ is easily excited by the small things.

🍬 "LOOK, LOOK!"

"What is it, LJ!?"

"THERE'S A CLOWN ON TV!!!"

"T-that's it? Why are you shouting then?"

"He's like me :)"

🍬 Honestly, he finds joy in little things like that. Seeing a fellow clown on TV. Judging by the way he talks though, you would have thought that something incredible was going on.

🍬 LJ's also very loud in everything he does.

🍬 This fool has no concept of "using your indoor voice".

🍬 He's also extremely outgoing and extroverted, and he loves talking to people about anything and everything.

🍬 Ah, but you're quiet/shy?

🍬 That's okay, he'll do the talking for the both of you :)

🍬 He'll also try to take the spotlight from you if you're uncomfortable with being the center of attention. LJ adores being the center of attention, so it's the opposite of a problem for him.

🍬 Everyone kind of thinks you make a funny couple; the sweet, quiet girl and the obnoxiously loud clown.

🍬 But those kinds of pairings can be the best ones. Opposites do attract, after all.

🍬 Also. You're touch-starved? Well....

🍬 This is literally what happens. (I made this meme myself because I had a stroke of inspiration lmao)

🍬 Girl, he was trapped in a BOX for YEARS.

🍬 OF COURSE HE'S TOUCH-STARVED!!

🍬 Also like, he's spent many decades without any romantic partners, so now that he's got a girlfriend he's eager to be all touchy-feely

🍬 He really likes that you are touch-starved as well, so you won’t mind his abundance of affection.

🍬 LJ loves to give hugs <3 He gives surprisingly great hugs with his noodle-y arms

🍬 Loves to cuddle as well. Major cuddle-bug. You are small compared to him, (no matter how tall you are, he is taller) so you're like a lil stuffed animal for him to snuggle up to.

🍬 All in all, LJ loves you and you would make a perfect couple <3

also, don’t worry about being cringe/self-indulgent! that’s what this blog is for, essentially!

- breadstick 🥖

#🍬#🍬Laughing Jack/LJ🍬#laughing jack #creepypasta laughing jack #laughing jack x reader #LJ #LJ hcs #LJ x reader #🍬LJ🍬#🍬Laughing Jack🍬#creepypasta #creepypasta hcs #💖💞#💖#💞#💞 hcs #💖 requests #creepypasta x reader #spookybreadstick

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100layersofdaddyissues · 3 years

Text

Angel - Chapter 4

alright my pedrhoes kits heres, this ones a bit shorter, kind of a filler chapter.

warnings: angst, no smut this chapter, just pining and angst, im trying to do rach proud.

Masterlist

The next few weeks went by with you trying your best to disconnect your emotions from your situation with Max. You focused on getting your workload handled, and giving Max the best head to hopefully deflect from the fact that, as you had unfortunately found out recently, you think you were falling for Max.

Admittedly, you didn’t see this coming, not from a mile away. You’d sleep with plenty of men to get their money, you never fell for them, you never even really cared for them. But here you were, so totally infatuated with Max that you were starting to worry about how this might affect your work if he found out, or your living situation. You've been paying the rent at your old apartment since you started working for Max, always ready for the worst case. And here you were, three weeks since the gala, finally on top of your work and beginning work on the next marketing campaign for Lord Industries, you hadn’t really spent much time with Max outside of work and sex, but you figured that’s how he liked it, he didn’t ask you to spend time outside of that, so you guessed he really had no interest in spending time with you outside of that. You were sat on the phone with the marketing team in the LA sector of the company, giving them a briefing for what you intended this campaign to be. “Listen I don’t care how hard this is for you Matilda, this is one of the biggest campaigns we're going to run this year and if you’re not up to it I’m more than happy to advise Maxwell on your capacity. Neither of us want that but this has to go smoothly and if it doesn’t both of our heads will roll. Now, can you get the networks to agree to run the advertisement by next week?” you hadn’t realised how bossy you could be until you began working as the head of the department, you didn’t like it but Max enjoyed watching you bust balls, he’d never admit it, but he found so much joy in knowing that such a dominant woman was at his mercy in the bedroom. “Yes ma’am” Matilda's voice quivered a moment and you felt so bad, but you weren’t joking, if this campaign had any kinks you were both going down for it, and you had no intention of allowing that to happen. “Thank you, Matilda, call me if there’s anything you need a hand with.” you called down the phone just before you were abruptly hung up on. Truth be told you didn’t know if you were handling everything the way you should be. Jade seemed to think it would be best for you to tell Maxwell how you were feeling but the moment she brought up the idea you promptly shut it down by reminding her that she didn’t know Max. But you had to admit, it was getting harder not to tell him. Not to let it slip while he was fucking you, three words and you could turn fucking into making love, but you weren’t even ready to say those three words in your mind let alone to Maxwells face. You didn’t dare think how that would go down. Before you could linger on the unholy terror that Maxwell would rain down on you, Sookie was bringing in more notes Maxwell had sent about how he would like the campaign to be run. “Hey honey, you okay? you look a little stressed.” her tone was sweet but concerned, you hadn’t realised that your emotions were showing on your face. “Yeah, I’m okay I’m just stressing about the new campaign, we have a week, and New York is barely keeping up, LA is slacking and don’t even get me started on the international sectors.” you huffed out, taking the new notes from her. “I don’t mean to pry but this doesn’t look like your stressed work face, this is new, well not really new, you’ve been wearing the same face since the gala, I just didn’t want to bring it up too soon because I figured it had something to do with Max, but I don’t know how it would involve Max,” you cut her off, she hadn’t realised that she was rambling. She tended to do that a lot. “Sookie, you’re rambling, but seriously I’m ok- wait what did you mean you figured it had something to do with Maxwell” you weren’t sure how she could come to that conclusion, you and Maxwell had only ever been respectful and professional at work, (the meetings in his office not counted, but no one saw those.) “Oh, uhm, nothing, I don’t even know why I said that.” Sookie was nervous now, and you were damned if you weren’t going to find out why. “Sookie, why are you nervous, what do you know?” you asked standing from your seat to walk closer to her. “Nothing, I don’t know anything, I shouldn’t have said anything.” “Sookie. What do you know?” you pressed her further, you were going to make her break. “Please just, please don’t tell anyone I told you, Darius would be completely fucked if anyone found out that we talk about you and Maxwell,” “You and Darius talk about me and Maxwell?!” you almost shouted, but it wasn’t an angered shout, more a nervous one. Why were they talking about you too? “Yes, well, we didn’t intend to at first, but then it just sort of came up over lunch and then we started connecting the dots, well I did, Darius obviously already knew, but you knew that, and then we just sort of started comparing notes. Darius says he’s never seen Maxwell this happy and confident, and I know I haven’t known you long, but I know the look of a woman whore in love and I’m so sorry if I overstepped but Darius and I we just think you’re both absolutely crazy for not admitting it to each other. I’m sorry I'll stop now.” Your head was spinning here. Sookie was informing you that she and Darius had been having regular conversations about the nature of your relationship with Max and now you have to try and comprehend the fact that they both know you lo-like Max, and that he likes you too. You had to sit down. You didn’t know what to say, you felt like you had been silent for hours, until Sookie broke the silence by asking if you were okay and if she still had a job. You told her that you were okay and that of course she still had a job you just needed a little time alone. And as she left you did what you’d been doing for the last few weeks, you pushed that shit down and got on with your work. Or at least that’s what you planned to do. By the time 5pm rolled around you’d barely made enough progress on the reports, all you could think about was what Sookie said, and trying to figure out if she was telling the truth about Max reciprocating his feelings or if she was trying to save you the embarrassment. And what you were going to do. You took a cab home that day, opting out of driving with Darius wanting to void Maxwell at all costs. And yet, as you walked in through your door there he was, leaning against your kitchen counter. His head whipped around to look at you, “why didn’t you let Darius drive you home? Why would you take a cab?” not even a hello. “I just needed to be alone this afternoon. The campaign is really stressing me out and I didn’t want my stress to rub off on you or Darius.” you lied, flopping onto the couch, and closing your eyes. Maxwell came up behind the couch and put his hands on your temples “Oh is my sweet angel feeling stressed, I know just what will help, come on, up.” he said coming around and pulling you off the lounge by your hands. You got up limply, not really wanting to engage Max, you really didn’t want to fuck him right now, but you felt like you had to. To keep your job, your house, your life that you’ve now become accustomed to. And Maxwell sensed this. He had a feeling for about a week that you didn’t want to be in this situation anymore, but quite frankly he didn’t want to lose you. He’d tried becoming a bit more affection, tried to show you that he appreciated you, but he knew he wasn’t doing the best at it, he’d never been affectionate, he didn’t even know why he felt compelled to keep you around, he could lie to himself and say it’s because he didn’t want to risk losing the best employee, he’s ever had but he knew that wasn’t the truth. He knew why he didn’t want to lose you. But he doesn’t believe it. How can he. He was always told that he was incapable of love. Why would you be the change? “Max, I’m sorry I just don’t feel very sexy right now. I don’t know if I can do this. I have so much work to do, but of course you already know that, and I’m not getting enough sleep, and I just, I don’t want to do this. I'm sorry.” you weren’t sure why, but your voice was beginning to shake as you said no to him. Maxwell noticed this, he dropped your hands and stood back, telling you that he wasn’t interested in doing anything if you weren’t comfortable. You sighed a breath of relief. One that did not go unnoticed by Maxwell, one that hurt Maxwell. “What was that? Why did you seem relieved? Like I wouldn’t let you say no? Do you really think that of me?” his tone became more urgent, almost angry. And it scared you. By the time he finished his sentence he was close to yelling and you flinched. “N-no I didn’t think that at all. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that my breathing would come across this way. I’ll be sure not to breathe from now on.” you were getting just as angry as he was acting. “Don’t you dare yell at me! How dare you? Who do you think you are? You do not get to yell at me.” Max’s voice bellowed out across the apartment and if his anger weren’t revving you up you would have been terrified. But right now, all you were, was pissed. “Oh, so you get to yell at me, but I don’t get to yell back. That’s fucking bullshit Max, you don’t get to yell at me if I can’t defend myself.” “I get to yell whenever the fuck I want, I run this city, this fucking country, and you are nothing but a low-level fucking whore. You mean nothing to the world. You mean nothing to me.” Your mother always told you that words could never hurt you, but in that moment, that one sentence broke you both. Max never meant to say it, and you were never supposed to hear those words fall from his lips. But you did, they did, he did. He realised what he said the moment he said it, his face never softening as he walked out of the apartment though, slamming the door behind him. And you broke. You fell to the floor in a fit of sobs and tears, waiting for someone to come and console you. But no one did. You were alone and you were broken on the floor of the apartment owned by Maxwell. The man who just hurt you so much more than you thought you could ever be hurt. But once you were done being angry. You got pissed, angry, so frustrated that you had developed emotions for a man who was clearly using you. You rushed into your room, grabbed a duffle bag and only the essential things you need, only taking what you’d brought with you. And with that, you threw the key to the apartment on the kitchen table, and you left. With no intention of coming back. Your heart had never been heavier, but you walked the streets of dc with your head held high refusing to let some idiot man make you look as broken as you felt. And although your head was high, you weren’t paying attention when someone bumped into you, both of you crashing to the floor. “Y/N?” oh no. you knew that voice. “Hey George, how are you doing.” you said looking up to him. “Well, much better now that I’ve bumped into you. Literally.” George was one of your coworkers at Halo, although he had tried many times to exceed colleague status, he was obsessed with you. It started sweetly bringing you coffee every morning, and lunch when you forgot it, you were grateful for him, he was a really good friend and you trusted him. Unfortunately, you trusted him enough to tell him about your ex. And if he was mad hearing about how they treated you, he got even more mad after telling him that your ex was a woman. He then became obsessed with “fixing you” as he called it, telling you that if you just went on a date with a real man like him you wouldn’t want anything to do with women anymore. Clearly that line did not work. And from then on, he was obsessed with taking you out, asking you every Friday afternoon if you were free that weekend, and every Friday you made up some story about family gatherings, or parties, sleepovers with Jade, you made the mistake of telling him one Friday that you had a date. That didn’t go down well. “So how have you been Sweetness, we haven’t heard anything from you since you left us in the lurch. I don’t blame you if I could get out after all that shit with Henry and his dad went down I would too, and now you’re in charge of marketing for Lord? That’s fucking insane. You’re so lucky.” George’s voice was dripping with disdain and yet he also sounded like he was trying to seduce you. “Yeah, it’s been crazy, do you mind if we walk and talk, I’ve got to get back to my apartment.” you wanted to get away from him as soon as possible. “Yeah yeah of course, why are you out at this time anyway? It’s not safe for a little lady like you.” god you fucking hate this guy “I’m just coming from my boyfriend’s, he had to go to work and I didn’t want to stay in that big old apartment by myself, so I thought I’d head home, and it’s such a nice night I thought I’d walk.” you don’t know why you said you were coming from your boyfriend’s, but it was the first thing you thought of. “Well here, let me walk you home. Are you still in the same place?” you nodded and knowing George he wouldn’t take no for an answer, so you let him walk you home. That night you fell asleep to the thought that Maxwell truly did not care about you like you’d hoped he did. But you didn’t know that he had walked back into that apartment, he fell to his knees when he realised that you weren’t there. He fucked up. And there was nothing he could do to fix it.

tags: @innerstrawberrypolice @maxlordsgf @mrschiltoncat @historianwithaheart

#pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal smut #Pedro Pascal #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal fanfiction #maxwell lord #maxwell lord x reader #maxwell lord smut #maxwell lord angst #maxwell lord fluff #ww194 #wonder woman 1984

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inevitably-johnlocked · 3 years

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(was originally an ask, then i rambled a crapload, so if u wanna skip through, just go to the bolded questions)

i am new to the fandom & just found your blog, just wanted to say DAMN its so detailed and everything, i cant wait to read it all! also i was so relieved to find that the fandom is still alive <3

side note im just rambling here, i binged sherlock all really quick and everything is like a blur (idk if im in a state of shock or something, but i do know i was super invested at s1 ep 2, then i finished s4 at 4am one day and i had to read me some johnlock fics to comfort myself and i really dont know how i feel about anything yet just that well, johnlock and i cried during sherlocks fake death even tho i already accidentally read spoilers, and i also cried when they just went to hang out at bars together and hhh and during sherlocks best man speech and sherlocks goodbye to john (…maybe goodbye should be plural)…also i was v mad at eurus and s4 was a hell of a rollercoaster gd), so just wondering, how many times have you watched sherlock? how was the experience each time? (can be about any season or eps or anything, also any snacks u liked to eat while watching or anything of that sort? just curious and thought that might be fun to answer)(apologies if you answered this already i tried to look for it but i got a bit overwhelmed)

btw u are amazing ^^ (also nice timer even tho it makes me sad) and MAD RESPECT for answering so many asks and like SO DETAILED-LY? (i cant grammar) and god ur metas and stuff?? absolutely fantabulous. im legit crying im so glad i found your blog. i know how much work asks take (and like i procrastinate on them for so long…mm months old esp for fic rec lists bc i know those take WORK) so like again, SO MUCH RESPECT thank you for all your hard work!! you are absolutely fantastic and awesome :D please make sure you take care of yourself too <3

ALSO you have a great profile picture + background pic (forgive me i have half a braincell (actually lets make it .7437 gave myself a tiny upgrade even tho i didnt do anything) i forgot what its called…background thing?? idk) i love them!!

if u read through all that tysm, if not thank u anyways for being so amazing, i have a habit of rambling so pls bear with me ^^

(also would it be possible to make this anon? if not feel free to delete this line ^^)

(Submitted by Anonymous)

--------

Hi Lovely!!

Always can make something Anon if y’all ask <3

First of all, SORRY for how long it took me to get back to you with this one. I’m a giant heap of trash and I’m surprised people still come here LOL

Secondly, WELCOME TO THE FANDOM! We love having y’all here, and I’m honoured that you enjoy my blog and content! Also will comment on your praise on my meta here: THANK YOU. I’m very proud of my meta, and especially the SHEER AMOUNT of it I have produced still boggles me mind. Y’all remember when I was creative and thoughtful??? LOL S4 dragged me hard hahah. I still try to write S4 meta, just not as much as I used to. I like speculating, I truly do, but I have so little free time these days because of the nature of my full time job, so I tend to just... do nothing LOL. I find Fic Reccing really relaxing when you have nearly 800 bookmarks. I’m worried I’m becoming stale though. Oh well. I’m just trying to leave my mark here. <3

Thirdly, HAHHAH Thank you for your compliment about my replies to my asks; I genuinely wish I could get more asks finished every day, but I tend to ramble, as you can see, and I just... don’t finish them in a timely manner. Honestly, it’s a relief when I don’t know something because I can then get the community involved to help me out AND I also get new fic recs that way too LOL. I also draft a TONNE of asks and when I do that, I tend to just keep adding MORE and MORE and MORE so I have to post them, LOL.

And finally: My fave episode is TAB; it was the episode I studied the closest and my analysis of the trailer is my “claim to fame”. I just love it to bits. It’s the episode I’ve watched the most. S3 is my fave season, and it’s the SEASON I’ve watched the most, no less than 30 or 40 times. Season 2, then 1. I have only seen S4 like 5 times in full total, and horribly enough, TFP is the most-watched episode: I watched the Leak, the airdate, and I went and saw it in the theatres because I already bought the ticket before it aired so I just... didn’t care. And then at least 3 more times in Watchalongs. So yeah :| I still haven’t watched the BluRay I bought, but I hated having an incomplete set so I bought it when it went on sale fore 10 bucks LOL.

But yeah, S1 and 2 I watched together, and I LOVED the show. I joined fandom the summer before S3 aired, and S3 is when I REALLY got into the fandom. I’ve been pretty much here since then, about 7 years I think now. When I saw S4, it was incredulity and disappointment with it. That’s really it. I’m still a fence sitter these days about the series as a whole, but I’m leaning more and more to “no S5 for at least 3 more years” kinda thing. Just... everyone involved seems so disinterested in the show these days, minus Mofftiss to keep pushing the Sherlock™ Brand to make money.

ANYWAY. Thanks for writing to me!! This was such a joy to read when I first got it, and I just... have been really overwhelmed the past few weeks that I just have only been sticking to shorter asks. But I had some free time tonight when I’m answering this, so THANK YOU.

I hope you’re still around, and I hope you still enjoy your time here! Don’t hesitate to ask me anything else!! <3 <3

#steph replies #chatting with nonnies #about me #happy posts #testimonials #my blog #Anonymous

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theoreticslut · 3 years

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HOLLY!!! oh my gosh I didn’t realize you had reached 1.1k!!! Congrats sweetheart I’ve absolutely adored talking to you these last days!!! I would absolutely love a 💍 if you’re still doing them 👉🏼👈🏼 (I’ll describe myself just in case !!) im a ravenclaw virgo making me a bit of a control freak, but I also think I’m a very hard worker so that’s a plus!! I love sports and writing, and finding new shows/youtubers to watch!! I love summer time and reading outside (despite being allergic to pretty much everything outside lmao), i think I’m generally a optimistic, friendly person and kinda chaotic at times haha !! Anyway love you girlie, you deserve it friend!! :)

Hi Mel! Thank you!! I’ve enjoyed talking to you too! 💗 you can definitely get a ship my dear!

I could see you with either Fred or Neville!

I see Fred just adoring your optimistic, friendly nature. Not to mention, he’d also LOVE you and your chaotic-ness. Like he just thrives and feels so at home in that energy so I can definitely see him attaching himself to you.

I think he’d find it cute when you start getting in ‘control-freak’ mode and would remind you it’s okay to not take things so seriously. He would definitely admire you and your work ethic though! He would honestly just be so amazed and would be so proud of you when you do finally finish something you’ve been hard at work on.

He obviously plays quidditch so he’d be excited that you like sports. If you play, he’d definitely be competitive, but would be so excited to share the experience with you. If you don’t play and prefer to just watch, he’d be ecstatic when you go to watch him. I doubt you’d ever miss an actual game, but for practices or if he’s playing with his siblings at home, he’d be so happy spotting you on the ground watching him.

He’d love listening to you talk about books you’ve read or listening as you work out details of your writing. I feel like he’d also completely enjoy reading your writing?! I can totally see him watching you and reading the paper as you’re writing or stealing your notebook after you’re done to read it. And he’d just be really soft about it! Like he just loves watching you find joy and take part in your hobbies.

He’d love spending time outside with you and would more than likely joke about how silly you are spending your time outside even though you’re allergic to lots out there. He’d never force you to go inside though because he knows you’d rather suffer through allergies than be stuck inside all day when the weather is so beautiful. And personally, I think he’d be a bi selfish with it as well. He wants to be outside and he wants to spend his time with you so he’d keep you outside with him so he doesn’t have to go inside either.

As for Neville, I just see him being such a soft and loving person towards you. He’d love hearing you talk about books or hearing you talk about your writing. He’d love reading to you or having you read to him.

He’d be able to calm you a bit when you start getting into your control-freak mindset and would remind you it’s okay to not have control over everything; that’s it’s okay to just do your best.

He’d love sitting outside with you and would always have tissues with him or allergy medicine on him so you can sit out and enjoy the weather too!

He’d also just love your happy, optimistic, friendly personality. In all honesty that’s probably what drew him in to you in the beginning.

I just see both Neville and Fred being really cute with you and bringing you lots of happiness.

I hope you like this Mel! I’m sorry it’s taken a bit to get out :(

#theweasleyslut’s 1.1k sleepover #theweasleyslut’s ships #hp ships #neville longbottom #fred weasley

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kendrixtermina · 4 years

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Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

#enneagram #enneagram type 5 #feelings #enneagram 5w4 #5w4

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monstaxeurope · 3 years

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HYUNGWON: ATSTAR1 INTERVIEW

WARM HYUNGWON

The faint smile over a compliment makes him more adorable than the experience and skillfulness of someone, who debuted 6 years ago. Hyungwon and his warm smile, that make the cold winter wind go away, are back, meeting us for the 3rd time already. Monsta X, who showed us broader outlook on the world with the release of <FANTASIA X> in May of 2020, came back with an even more mature image with the release of their 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> in November of 2020. Especially ‘Nobody else’, one of the songs on the album composed by Hyungwon, is a sophisticated pop song, which perfectly shows his musical growth.

Besides the group promotions, his participation as a DJ in many festivals and continuous music activities are nicely reflected in the 3 minute and 3 seconds long song. We met with kind and warm Hyungwon, who will show us an even wider music spectrum in the future, prioritizing Monsta X over individual activities even after years of piled up experience.

Not sure if it's because we filmed with products you use in your daily life, but I think we got a lot of natural expressions on tape.

HW: I had dry lips since I was young. That's why I use Burt's Bees Lip Balm in my daily life too. I'm glad that we could film this together. I also find it fascinating(laugh).

Congratulations on your comeback. Since it's a full album you must have spend a lot of time on it, please recommend one of the songs you like the most.

HW: Personally, I want to point out ‘Sorry I'm not sorry’. It was nice we could let people listen to a calm and comfortable song after showing strong and performance-focused stages all the time. It's a song that once again proved how well our voices match with a song like this too, so I really like it.

What would you say is the killing point of ‘Love Killa’?

HW: Every part has a killing point. Should I say the members' restrained sexiness? In my opinion the killing point might be how we're all covered but the overall vibe of the song has a sexy feeling.

You released your 3rd full album <FATAL LOVE> and your self-composed song is included for the first time. What kind of song is ‘Nobody Else’?

HW: The topic of the song is ‘perfume’. When you first spray a perfume there's a strong fragrance but it gets weaker over time. I compared the fading scent of a perfume to love. Actually, love wasn't the only message I was trying to convey, I wanted to include wider meanings, like relationships between people or relationship between a fan and a singer. It's the same in human relationships, you naturally become distant with time. But I didn't want that to happen to me. So I wrote this song with ‘I wish the strong fragrance from the start stays the same all the time’ in mind.

Different from the EDM you did before, you presented pop this time. Was there anything new you learned while composing?

HW: I tried different things and really thought about it a lot. And that's how I naturally broadened my knowledge on different genres. I worried a lot about how to write the lyrics so my sincerity will get conveyed perfectly. I listened to a lot of foreign songs and did a lot of studying on melody and lyrics writing.

Was 'Nobody Else' written exclusively for this album?

HW: It's a song that was in the making since our last album 'FANTASIA X'. But at the time I didn't like the song as much yet, so we couldn't include it in the album. We put it on the tracklist now after making changes and fixing it a bit. It was my first time writing a song for our members, so I felt like I will regret releasing it, if I'm not completely satisfied with it. So I didn't want to release it until I got to the point "this is it". That's why it took longer.

Did you ask your members for advice?

HW: I often let them listen to the song. Rather than just appearing in front of them with "ta-dah!" I wanted to get a lot of feedback from them first, since it's a song we were all gonna sing together. I looked for advice from IM and Joohoney a lot because they also write songs. As for Minhyuk, Shownu and Kihyun, I asked them to give me feedback from a singer's point of view.

It must have felt fresh including your song, that all the members sang, in the album.

HW: I thought about which member will sing which part since the very beginning. Sure enough, they really pulled it off as they started singing. So I was even more satisfied.

Do you feel like the song was completed according to the plan you had in mind from the beginning?

HW: Of course. I'm satisfied. I have no regrets because they expressed the song just as I imagined it.

In the past interview you said you compose in your free time. When you listen to a song do you focus more on the melody and genre than on the lyrics?

HW: Everything is important. No matter how good the melody is, if the lyrics are bad, there's no charm. Same if it's the opposite. That's why I kept modifying both the lyrics and the melody. But if I have to choose one, I concentrate on the melody just a little bit more.

It's interesting how you chose perfume as main subject of your song.

HW: It's easier to write a song if there's a certain topic. If you just try writing it without it, it's like beating your head against the wall. It was hard lyrics-wise too. While thinking how to start, this perfume characteristic popped up in my mind. I thought about the feelings I get when I meet someone and how I treat them. After choosing this as my topic, I explained my feelings to IM. He took my explanation and wrote a well-fitting rap out of it. I was so thankful. If it wasn't for IM's rap, I think my feelings wouldn't have been conveyed perfectly and I probably wouldn't be this satisfied. As for the rap part, it felt complete right away.

You must have felt proud when the subject suddenly popped up in your mind.

HW: 'Ah, this is it' was my first thought. Haha. For example, I'm sitting on a chair for 5 hours straight trying to plan out a song. After the subject pops up, it's a smooth ride, it's easier to collect my thoughts and time passes by quickly too. There's this feeling of joy when it starts going smoothly and all of a sudden those 5 hours of just sitting down, waiting for THE moment, are worth it.

Do you think you and the members have improved in anything with the release of 3rd full album?

HW: Yes, and I feel more attached to this album since I wrote one of the songs by myself. Our members' opinions are reflected in the album a lot, so I feel thankful for that too. It's the reason I feel proud and really confident about this album. This is where I feel we've made improvements.

Your MBTI(Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) is INFP. This type's characteristics are a passionate mediator, introvert and a romantic (person) with strong beliefs. Does that apply to you?

HW: I think it's right. I'm INFP's prototype. Haha. I got goosebumps, really. If you look at INFP examples' tendencies, it all sounds like me. I can really relate to it.

Do you have your own belief?

HW: I have my own line. If only you don't cross it, I can understand and forgive anything. But if you go over the line, it's really hard for me to tolerate it. There are parts others might not understand because I have my own criteria (laugh). Of course, I'm trying to find some sort of middle ground now.

There are different types of MBTI in Monsta X. After spending time together you naturally become similar and it's probably easier to understand each other.

HW: That's right. Each member has their own characteristics and after living together you start to resemble one another. I'm a total opposite of Minhyuk and Joohoney, especially with Minhyuk, but we have been together for so long that I came to understand him. I think Minhyuk would say the same, we naturally compromise as we go.

You release self-composed songs and do tons of photo shoots, I feel like you're constantly building up your capabilities. Are there any activities in the entertainment industry that you haven't tried yet but you want to?

HW: I want to continue writing songs and DJ. I'm more greedy about work than you would've thought. Haha. I really want to go to <A Fisherman and the City> on Channel A. I went fishing a couple of times before and had so much fun, it was a healing time for me. Time passed so fast, I came back after looking at the bait for 10 hours straight. Oh, and one time my fishing rod broke and when people near me saw me fishing, they cheered me on and gave me advice too. The whole situation of them cheering me on reminded me of world cup so I really liked it. Because of this memory I want to go fishing again.

You got picked as the team's visual by Monsta X members and by monbebe. Do you have a specific routine to take care of your appearance?

HW: I didn't really have a routine in the past but I recently realized I have to do something, so I started working out. I followed IM's steps and started working out and people around me already tell me I look healthier. (How long has it been since you started?) It has only been around a month. Haha. I'll try to do it consistently. My goal is not to build muscles, but to try doing it for my health. I need to be healthy to dance and sing for a long time. I'm most thankful to IM. I was able to bravely start working out because he was sincerely concerned for my health and cheered me on.

Monsta X established a strong position in music industry as beast idols, but what kind of artist do you personally want to become?

HW: As I've been saying for this whole year, of course it's also important to be successful, to get the best results everywhere, but I want to become a singer, who can see his fans for a long time. I want to release music consistently too. But, more than solo, I want to promote with my team for a long time.

As years in this industry pile up you probably think and worry about the future more and more.

HW: I rather get these thoughts and our members probably think the same. We're all passionate and greedy when it comes to music, but as you know, our society nowadays is centered around results. Everything we do is recorded somewhere. There are times we get discouraged and we almost lose our enthusiasm, but Monsta X members overcome situations like that and start working harder. And as time passes we realize it was actually not a big deal for us. I feel like I can't even take good care of all the people who love me now. Of course, I'd be more thankful if we received more love.

Is there a goal you want to accomplish within next year?

HW: I really want to hold a concert. We also want to go on a tour with members. We released a lot of new songs and we're ready to perform them. So we feel kinda regretful, our lastest release 'Love Killa' is one of the stages we wanted to show our fans live, they would've loved and enjoyed it. I hope to stand in front of an audience again, because our team synergy gets better when we have people watch our stage live.

I heard you're an expert on acrostic poems, would it be possible to get one for @star1(앳스타일)?

HW: (앳): @star1 is really nice

(스): I feel like I became a star

(타): Invite the rest of the members too

(일): They are friends, who really like working. Haha.

atstar1magazine | Scan Reference Translation KR-ENG: Monsta X Europe

#translation #t:interview #t:magazine #pm:shownu #shownu #t:article

#translation #t:interview #t:magazine #pm:hyungwon #hyungwon #t:article

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saportuh · 6 years

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ok panic concert highlights

(plus some personal adventures)

this was the portland show on the 12th k

so it was a fuckin hour and a half drive bc where i fuckin live now is far away from everything i hate it anyway that sucked & i ran my phone down to 80 percent during said drive which proved problematic

we get there (me & my lil sis) & our dad drops us off & we run up & im bitching about how weird the fucking venue is (it’s normal, it’s just not what i’m used to - in vegas the venues were typically in the casino/resorts so you lined up inside the halls & sat against the walls & tourist-watched, in this venue u stood outside in a line???? ughhh)

so we approach the line & something happens, i’m gonna make a separate post about it because holy shit

befriended two excitable gay kids, maybe 8th or 9th grade?? & i was like woah i was u once. now im old & jaded. eugh. then they bailed on me so.

we got into the arena & were on the wrong fucking side so we had to JOG all the way AROUND THE WHOLE FUCKINGN PLACE UGH

THEN WE GOT IN & SAT IN THE WRONG SEATS so the guy next to me (dad w a thick accent, maybe ukranian?? it wasn’t russian but it was close) politely informed me & i was like fuck well until they get here we’ll stay, but i had anxiety so during an arizona song i pretended to go to the bathroom & came back to look for our actual seat, someone took it so i pussied out & went back, had hella anxiety about it, then before hayley the ppl showed up so we had to move & i had to kick some preps out of their seat & they called my lil sister a bitch ;-;

OK SO ONTO THE PERFORMERS

arizona was cute, gotta check them out... singer kept getting emotional & wiping his eyes, it was sweet, and he was hella feeling himself dancing & stuff lmaoo. idk em but im proud of them.

HAYLEYYYYYYYYYYY her dancing & drumming & outfit??? also all the lesbians/wlw getting crunk in the crowd was so damn good haha

ALSO shout out to hayley’s band, they were so cute??? the guitarist & her kept having moments & he seemed like a cool dude, & the girl on synths was so pretty omg??? & smiley i loved her. & the drummer, they were goin so hard i couldnt get a good look, but they had kewl hair

“if you don’t know anything about me, there’s one thing you should know: I LOVE GIRLS” there was so much gay energy at that show i was teary the whole damn time

k confession, i love everything about hayley but i find her voice a little grating on the ears, something about it, but it was super angelic live & didn’t bug me once, & wanna be missed fucked me up cuz it’s my fucking f a v

SHE DID THE DRUMMY IT WAS HOT

her oufit was so damn iconic rlly tho, the pants & shoes totes fit her but wouldn't look good on anyone else, but that shirt, the hot dad look w the open v & all the jewelry, holy fuck that’s how im tryna be

during girls like girls, everyone had their lights out & there was a bunch of pride flags out, and i got this gorgeous shot of a gay pride flag illuminated by lights (i posted it)

most of the songs they played between the breaks were gay themed too which was powerful dude i was so damn emotional

then during the countdown to panic, they played the next episode by dre (the “smoke weed every day” song) & then africa by toto jsfndjfndjskfnjdk

THEN PANIC CAME OUT

WHOLE ASS STRING & BRASS SECTION BDEN RLLY WENT THERE WOAH

KENNY & NICOLE WERE SO CUTE THE WHOLE TIME THEY KEPT GOOFING AROUND ESPECIALLY KENNY IT WAS ADORABLE

THEN BREB POPPED OUT THE DAMN FLOOR

ok several things about breb

one, i never was heavy into panic, but considering how obsessive i was into bandom a few years back, i still know a lot about early panic, livejournal shit, ryden bullshit, etc, so it was really weird being there with normies who were just like “he’s hot & sings good” when i was like “yall lucky fucks never heard of myrtle beach ” dsjfnjsdnfds

two, four years into panic & i never was attracted to brendon, but dude, EVERYONE fell in love with him at this show, myself included, & i was starin at this bitch ass motherfucker in a trance before i was like “wait ur a bastard STOP U ENDEARING DICKWAD” he was so fucking endearing it was ANNOYING cuz i’ve seen some of the shit he’s pulled damnit. srsly tho, so absolutely charming, wow.

three, and what stuck with me most; brendon loves what he does. a little bit of exhibitionism, i think; he likes ppl looking at & admiring him, he’s that type of person, a showman, but also, i think he just loves making music, people singing along to the music, etc. ive been to eight concerts now, and i don’t think i’ve seen someone who clearly loved being on stage so much. a lot of ppl act like it’s a chore to tour, but brendon clearly loves it, and it made me happy, especially as an aspiring musician.

four, the straighties drooling over him and the gays drooling over him was truly straight/gay solidarity

ok what else happened... brendon would throw in random ass high notes towards the ends of songs... my sister looked at me super alarmed when he first did it during dtmwagt lmfao... ppl would cheer & it was impressive, but kinda piercing & i was like “show off” lol

HE DID THE ‘I MAKE THESE HIGH HEELS WORK’ thing, i thought he retired tht?? so i was pleased lmfao

i dont rmr anything that stands out about ready to go or la devotee but the lights & backgrounds during them were very pretty & i got some good pics of brebbois face (i finally got semi decent quality pics im rlly happy abt tht, concerts r so hard to photograph)

hallelujah was cool cuz there were, like, those catholic(?) church windows projected on the top part of the stage, it was pretty af, they rlly outdid themselves with the visuals

and mona lisa had like pipes & industrial stuff?? idk it looked dope, and it contrasted rlly cool it was super pretty

nine in the afternoon,,,, the only pretty odd song... i dont even like pretty odd but it was like,,, damn. & he had the piano, total live in denver vibes ;-; but he wasnt dripping sweat this time lmao

golden days, brebweenie knows hes hot, kept winking & doing mic flips & shit & i was like u fucken weenie ive seen that pic of u w a bowl cut in a bra, die

k he’s a fuckin bastard but hhe’s pretty & talented fuckin big ego bitch ... can yall tell i hav a lovehate relationship w him bc i do

I GOT THIS ONE PART ON VIDEO DURING GOLDEN DAYS WHERE KENNY & NICOLE R FUCKING AROUND & MAKING FACES & GOOFING IT’S SO CUTE

during casual affair in the chorus, the mic would echo each word (just lay (lay) in the atmosphere (sphere) & the ‘lay’ was rlly good on my ears idk sometimes certain vocal notes sound GOOD & that was one i keep replaying it

SO VEGAS LIGHTS as yall kno i was born & raised in vegas & a vegasfucker69 it’s my fucking home i moved last november (not my choice) & miss it violently & i was CRYING during vegas lights hard & it was so beautiful im gonna watch the video i got over & over & over that song means so much to me IM SO FUCKING HOMESICK

speaking of which, im pretty bitter i didnt see panic in vegas, this was my first panic show & that kinda bothers me, like i should’ve seen them in vegas a few yrs ago but it never worked out.... still, im grateful i saw them at all & im glad i saw the song live. i had my fob snapback on too, it says ‘las vegas’ on it cuz i got it there haha, wore that on purpose

he did the fucking running man thing towards the end & everyone cheered & i was like dONT ENABLE HIM

sat down during dancing’s not a crime cuz im a bitch who doesn’t like half the new record & also my knees hurt cuz im old apparently, anyway this chick glared at me then sang every word wat a fuckin prep lmao

o yah i forgot, in golden days he got in the crowd & let a girl sing the last chorus it was amazing i bet that made her life

AND DURING DOAB HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD that was SO FUCKING ENDEARING i was like “wow what a guy” then i was like “HE’S A BITCH U KNOW HIM” & i was like “hmm??? what a guy” but omg he made so many people happy it was really beautiful & sweet & i was like... half in love & then i came to my senses jksjfhjsdhfkjsdn

RLLY THO HE WALKED THRU THE CROWD & HIGH FIVED PPL & SHIT & GAVE HUGS & TOOK ART/LETTERS IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD HE WAS SO SWEET & LEGIT EVERYONE WAS FALLING FOR HIM & I WAS LIKE SUFFERING

legit guys, like it’s weird i used to watch his parascopes in 2015 or w/e & he’d say some Bad shit on there sometimes, like ik he does some messy shit BUT HE ACTED SO FUCKING LOVELY BLEH

also he’s very short, like he’s 2 inches taller than me but he looked so little in the crowd i was like... aw

the piano thing ;-; it was rlly pretty but my paranoia & anxiety was off the charts i was like that things gonna fucking fall & crush the crowd it’s gonna fucking fALL but it didnt ofc but i was stressed bleghh

but ok on a positive note, that was soo fucken lovely, bden stopped to try to make eye contact with as many ppl in as many places of possible, like he made the effort to get to everyone & make them have a special moment & it was ... magical ok thts fucken cliche as shit but it rlly was

ok i did smth lowkey embarrassing, i doubt he saw, but when he faced towards us i was just overwhelmed w like.. gratitude?? ive had a bad 2 years in every way, so being somewhere filled with love & fun & kindness & joy & all around good vibes, i was so grateful? i just wanted to thank him for creating that kinda atmosphere. so i like,,, blew kisses but not in a weird way, like later i was like oh that was kinda weird whyd i do that, but at that moment i didnt use my head & it was jus my instinctual way of saying thank u idk it’s lame but it happened so there ya go idfk

fun fact, my vid of it is out of focus cuz i was so enamored watching him & watching the crowd react it was pretty fucking magical it rlly was

once he got down from that piano he went “wow i feel so fucking inspired now” & i was like “bitch me too tf”

legit it was absolutely indescribable, even watching my vid now.... wow. and u can hear me lightly crying in the back of my video too lmao, and i was shaking p hard, it was so fucking magical. like im getting emotional rn cuz it was exactly what i needed to remind myself that there is good stuff in the world thats worth staying for.

i never was super big on panic or breb like i said but if i ever meet him im gonna thank him bc that. wow. transformative.

also that transition from the piano cover he did to dying in la was smooth af. it was all around gorgeous.

OK GIRLS GIRLS BOYS, I WAS SO CONCERNED W FILMING I COULDNT PUT MY LIGHT ON (i had a red heart) BUT OMG

he got a bi flag first, then a rainbow one, then another rainbow one... one was those hayley ones lol, and one ended up on the stage out of his eyesight & he never saw it & i felt so bad fjdnfds

G-D ALL THE GAYS SINGING WAS SO EMOTIONAL & THE RAINBOW BEHIND THEM ON STAGE (AND PAN FLAG COLORS AT TIMES?!??!?!)) IT WAS FUCKING MAGICAL & BRENDON LET A FLAG DRIFT IN THE WIND FOR A SEC BEFORE HE PUT IT ON IT WAS GORGEOUS

AND ALL THE RAINBOW LIGHTS IN THE CROWD FUCK DUDE

breb might be a turd but he’s the only one of these emo dudes who parades around draped in flags & so aggressively empowers gay fans through it, and for that, i respect him. ik the song has more perverse origins but now it’s a bi anthem that rlly connects w lgbt fans & it’s rlly beautiful, AND i got another gorgeous shot of a pride flag surrounded by lights & im just. wow.

after, breb said “that is gorgeous btw” about the rainbow lights, and “thank u for participating in love” & giggled, i got this shot of the lights in the dark lookin incredible ;-;

also said “this a record number of flags tonight, very cool” so portland is rlly gay apparently, kewl

nicole doin the nicotine bass line slayed me dead wowie u can hear me go “WOO” on the vid lmfao (im a bassist so i lov her double)

ive seen miss jackson live twice now cuz at my monumentour show, new politics brought lolo out to cover it so that’s dope lmfao

anyway bden did the fuckin valley girl voice for “the scenery is so loud” which was delightful

he had us do the ‘ayyyy’ bit woo

NICOLES BASS,,, SPARKLY

drum thingy ;-; speaking of monumentour, andy & patrick famously did a drum off & i MISSED IT cuz the stage at my venue wasnt large enough to fit both sets ;-; so they didnt do it ;-; but bden doin his own drum solo kinda made up for it a little bit

fuckin show off tho he played like 3 instruments & i was like u bitch stop

there was some kinda audio sample that went “i got a fever & the only prescription is more caffeine(?)” & bden mouthed the words along, and some girl behind me went “SAME”

UPDATE: googled it, i knew i recognized chris walken’s voice, he says cowbell not caffeine & it’s a skit from snl that i’ve SEEN im a disgrace anyway that was fun also woo cowbell

the big screen kept cutting from bden drumming to a shot of the crowd & someone holding a pride flag & i was like yah drumming is gay now

lmao i only filmed like a minute of a song unless i rlly liked it so i could spend the rest of the song gettin funky right?? & i like king of the clouds but not a ton, but i filmed the whole thing cuz the visuals were so pretty lmfaooo i jus was staring at them like wowwww prettyyyyy

during the ‘i dont feel anything at all’ he looked rlly sad & i couldnt tell if it was genuine or if he was goin for like a pouty look djfdsjfndjks then right after he winked so ig pouty thx breb

at some point he introduced nicole&kenny plus the strings & brass ppl as “his friends” it was sweet & he was like “these lovely ladies” about the strings & “these handsome men” about the brass & i was like WOO GAY RIGHTS

FIRE DURIN CRAZY EQUALS GENIUS. BOZ FLASHBACKS. FIRE ON MY FACE HUNDREDS OF FEET AWAY. FEAR. DONT LIKE FIRE. SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION. KENNY WAS TOO CLOSE. FEAR.

a whole arena singing bohemian rhapsody 25+ years after freddie mercury’s death was Incredible, i dont believe in afterlives but if there is one i hope he was watching & enjoying & knowing his legacy was staying alive bc wow that was powerful

THE END WAS CRUNK AF HOLY SHIT BDEN GOT DOWN

i cant believe i remember the day emperors came out like,,,, jeez. so lit live tho

I HAVENT MENTIONED HIS SPARKLY SUIT YET. KING OF SPARKLY SUITS

BRENDON DOIN HIS HIGH NOTE BIT & THE STAGE LIGHTING UP FULLY ON FIRE FUCK DUDE

bitchden took his shirt off when he came out for the encore..... bitch

SINS,,, FUCK DUDE,,,, MY CHILDHOOD WAS CRYING HHYSTERICALLYYY,

in the background of my vid u can hear me do the ‘ily’ ‘ily’ from the mv emo ass

my lil sis got fucken turnt to sins lmfaooo??? danced her ass off???

us: W H O R E bden: ily

VIOLINISTS GETTIN WILD TOO

they played footage of the music vid & breb & his fuckin iconic outfit & i was a lil emo kid again omg i cant believe i saw it live

he did funny voice durin calls for a toast nerd ... least he’s not entirely bitter abt songs ryan wrote anymore tho lmao... or maybe he is considering theres only two on the 30 song setlist ;-;

i gotta listen to afycso again damn it’s so iconic

oh yah at some bit he said “ive been doing this for 14 years, im 31 now” & it reminded me like.. most of these emo bands, they started so young. & got successful at such a young age. it’s so crazy. idk. wow.

he got growly during the chorus, that’s pstump’s thing beeb dont steal it lmao

CONFETTI fitting ending, & i got him walking off which is cool, other bands it goes dark & they just kinda disappear & it’s unsatisfying ;-;

so yah i finally saw breadman live, i got 400 pics and 30 videos so that all got spam posted over the last few days lmao

#finally posting it lmao #81218 #long post -

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cleftmomph · 7 years

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Cleftmom confessions: Things ive learned that I wish I knew before. A list from a mom of special kids❤️ I actually dont know how to address this list, I think I've realized these because I have 2 kids with "special" needs. But it may also apply to moms in general, Im sure all of us will have one or two of these thoughts or circumstances in our crazzzy momma life☺️ 📌I am not INVINCIBLE I need God. I am nothing - this is not because Im bring myself down, but because I am humbling myself. Im surrendering. I am nothing in this world compared to His greatness. Given how well nourished, well educated, or how powerful, how big your house is, you are nothing without God. YOU NEED HIM. Crazy as it may sound but with all the fear I felt, the next thing I realized/felt was this. I was HUMBLED. I know He's caliing me. I was reminded of how great he is and who am I in this world. This is why 2 COR 12:9 is one of my fave verses: But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me 📌Take one day at a time I know you have so much to give, but I also know theres only so much you can take. We have limits, we are mortals, remember? If you will look past your now, sometimes it gives you serenity. Skipping the harder days, the surgeries etc. The power of hope. But in your darker days, when its just hard to find aomething to make you move forward, remember you have now, and what you do today, now, is what matters. Enjoy it, days goes by faster than you think. With all the hustle and bustle of this generation, sometimes its hard to remember this. But until your child hits another milestone, you wont stop to enjoy life and savor that moment with your kid. You will realize that they're growing too fast and there's that pinch making you ask "why so fast?". And then there's this joy, the assurance that they are doing well coz they're hitting those milestones just in time, sometimes a lil early, sometimes a lil late, but what the heck, they DID and that's what matters. Savor the moment🙂 📌Cliché as it may sounds: things will get better This!!! This cliche was pressed on me numerous times already. This is proven. I want to say by me, but well... i'd be lying, and you know it coz you've been there, done that😂 When reassuring new cleft parents I always say this line, which maybe doesn't help much hehe (but I know they'll realize one day that it's true😎). It's just hard to look beyond the firsts, beyond the uncertainty specially if the mom has not yet delivered. I totally understand that (i've bern there, didn't believed this line as well😂😂😂). But the most recent encounter with this lesson was because of our Jacob. I still get hotheaded while on our review sessions (di po ako ipokrita 😂), but he makes me more proud because of that. Because as I always say, he tries, he tries his best! Before, during his exams week, review sessions would be after school till bedtime and it wasn't even enough parin --- That's with prior review sessions pa. Before he cant even read a story book, it would take us an hour or two to finish those short stories. Before during exams He wont have time to do his kumon booklets anymore. But he did improved. He did better in reading books, he's good in math, he gets perfect scores in exams. Recently was his summative exam, he was able to finish reviewing all his subject before exam week started. so it was just a quick review for him during exam week. I felt how positive he is, how confident he is now specially in math and reading. I felt how happy he was that he could still do other things after reviewing. Things got better for me, but more for Jacob.❤️ 📌Downing moments are vital You wont have glorious days without your gloomy days. They make your success more sweet. If you let them eat you whole, you'll lose. Don't let trials win, empower your will to get back on your feet. Some days are harder, but that's what make you tougher. 📌You have to be worry sometimes ...So you wont put your guard down. 📌You need Two words:CLEFT TEAM If it would be possible go to them. NCF / PBM. Period! Google will help you with what a legit cleft team consists of💪🏼 📌This prayer help me calm myself❤️ I want to share it with you because in times my heart is in trouble, And I would say this prayer I would instantly feel calm. So much betteeeer❤️ The serenity prayer God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. Amen. 📌God's plans for you is bigger Learning about Gabbie's cleft hit me hard. I comfort myself knowing that God has His plans and He definitely know better. It's really hard to know what it is, its hard to foresee but He asked me to have faith, Even as small as the mustard seed. I know my faith is far bigger than a mustard seed, because you know what, never as in NEVER He has forsaken me! JER 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Prov 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. 📌Go with your instinct Mother knows best. Also, this means you are the one responsible for your parenting style. Don't let others pressure you into a parenting style that is not YOU. You be the kind of mother YOU want to be, not the society, your doctor, your priests, you family ask you to be. You are the only person who knows what's best for your child😉 listen to their opinion or advice, pick what suits you, junk what's not and move on. Don't let them and their side comments affect you inside. 😉 📌Google will bring you horror, dont let it. Use it to your advantage. I will be honest, researching made me anxious. By the time we discovered Gabbie's a cleftie we only have around 8weeks to prepare for her special needs. I havent joined any support group, i tried searching but didnt found one (till gabbie was 2months old ata) so I have no clue what's the best kind of surgeon to go to, what will she need etc. google would redirect me to cases from across the globe, Mostly US, many patients in the US had over 10 surgeries, so yes, that scared me. Ear tubes, yup they did scare me - alot!!! Repeated palatoplasty? Complications per age, complications during surgery.... hell yes!! Speech problems?! Heart problems and syndromes!????! Like whaaaaatttt!!! I want to give birth already just to find out if she has any of it!!! But the internet provided me a vital information for our cleft journey - name of our surgeon. Dr. Glenda De Villa ❤️ learned what bottles we need, what to look out for, that yessss, I could breastfeed!!!🙂 the internet also provided the criteria of a CLEFT TEAM/CLEFT CENTER, and Dr. De Villa's team is a SURE WIN!💪🏼 📌You have to love your doctor. Trusting your surgeon is vital. After meeting her, my worries just fluffed their way out of my chest. She's an inspiration. She's also the one who told us about NCF. If not for her and our trust to her, our family won't have the privilege of knowing those who are behind NCF and their patients ☺️ 📌You are not alone I repeat. YOU.ARE.NOT.ALONE I treat my co-cleft moms and dads as my family. No one could understand me than someone who's going Through a journey like us. Yes, our families and friends are backing us up, they're always there. Always. But the STRUGGLE IS REAL! Haha there are certain things no one could relate to unless they have a "special" child. Noordhoff Craniofacial Foundation patients have a support grp - https://www.facebook.com/groups/IbahagiAngNgiti/ And https://www.facebook.com/groups/CleftSupportGroupPH/ is open to all clefties and their families 🙂 📌Be thankful. You are blessed. I always say God gives the hardest battles to His bravest soldiers. Wonder where our cleftstrong babies got their strength and spirit? Its from US, their parents. I was also in doubt at first😁 God chose us for a purpose. Be proud of the privilege and responsibility that God entrusted us🙂 1 thess 5:18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Stop self blaming. Dont be too hard on yourself. Stop asking yourself if you did something wrong during your pregnancy. Accept that you too have shortcomings, and that's ok. Your kids still love you just the same because you are morethan ENOUGH!❤️ *list to be updated, usually in the wee hours of the morning I cant sleep.😂

#cleft mom confession #cleftmomconfessions #cleftmomph #jadegabrielle #cleftstrongph #cleftmomma #cleftmomandproud #diaryofacleftmom #gabbiesjourney #adhdMomma

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malamelodies · 5 years

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new year

what a beautiful introduction. I enjoy how I don't have my glasses right now, so it'll be a true testament of simply feeling the words as they come. im up at 2 am , per usual, and im feeling in a reflective mode. things are starting to come together and part of allowing things to manifest is to write them down. right them. im finding a lot of limitations around moonflower essence. its been well on the back burner and now I have the means to make it happen. but its ME that needs to take the step to launch it. I think part of me is hesitant because if I start it, then that means full blown dedication. right now, im doing a little, then not. and when I say a full YES, that means that it'll become my career. many hours and support and hours. and I've gotten so used to doing things “part time” that having something that requires my full attention isn't very attractive.

“ill do it as soon as...” travel. play. exploration.

now, I pay with the idea of Thailand before I start. and its so on the realm of ‘maybe’. traveling, that is. I need a yes from him, and then its a go. I think it'll be really beautiful and amazing and sweet and divine. im going to a meeting this coming Wednesday. I feel like I want to train myself to wake up early, so ill be ready to meet the 9am time. what if it fails? I feel like whenever I feel that, I just need to create. full flow. I don't want a professional kitchen. I want mine. it owl be nice, though, in the years to come, to have a home, with a sweetheart, with a proper kitchen to create. like the one we had at fort Bragg.

I wonder what will become of Jedidiah and i. its funny how he proclaims moments of wanting to deepen our relatedness, and when he asks me what my intentions are, they seem muted. what do I want? I almost don't want to come to the idea of what we could be, because I don't want to get hurt. hurt its the idea that I can see a future with him. not just a future. a thriving situation.

the home is in transition of having all men in the home hold. im so fucking excited. the idea of being surrounded by charismatic, genuine, sweet men, all very different in taste and demeanor. that was my wish. and now its happening. it was my wish before the previous roommates, and now its actually happening.

life.

so yes. moonflower essence. it keeps pushing me. so I will do it. 2019. I love 9′s. triple trinity. divine. 3 3 3 super duper great luck. and so it is.

in love, what I need to focus on, is the dynamic of what I enjoy an adore in a man, and not put those attributes on one person. I see this man as Jedidiah. and I need to keep my focus broad, and receive all the bounty of divine gentlemen who are present. there are so many. but I don't like dating. tis a waste of time. I think ill continue to keep the involvement of community. cancel my account on the 12th. and take steps to be in community. all aspects of the sweet nature san Francisco brings. and if it continually turns out to be him. then so be in, and im not attached. I feel if I do meet someone, it will be sweet and easy and he will be open to exploration and discovery and divinity in each other and our surrounding environment. adventurous and able to partake in medicine in a sweet and light hearted way. easy going. tall and strong. confident and capable. healthy. determined to be clear and healthy. loves to make love and snuggle and make food for us and welcoming to inviting me to learn too. pushes me to stand on my own, while sweet in ways he supports me. challenging, of course. it always is that way... when it needs to be. its challenging when we need to grow. and also having long stints of being happy and easy and sweet. no relapses. truly healthy. where I can feel safe while also allow my independence to soar. its so particular. this man. these aspects. and yet, I have seen glimpses of it. one who loves to speak the language of gifts. but not over doing it. but thoughtful. in activities and tangible realities. willing to try new things. even sign US up for workshops. this wanting to experience things together. to be proud of each other and wanting to introduce each other with pride and so much love. no matter how open the relationship is. to find complete joy in simply being together. being active together. a team. running and playing while also maintaining aspects of our physical lives that are ours. taking dance classes together. acro yoga. massage. tantric bliss .that allows us to show up more in our community. someone who is involved in the community. where ever it may be. that it comes organically and easily. I truly feel this will come to me this year. that once I am grounded in a human, in a man, that I can express an explore my sexual self. to state to another man that I have a sweetheart, and he supports my exploration. and for this to ebb and flow in monogamy and openness when it presents itself. and for me to openly support and acknowledge his needs and desires to feel my support for him be so abundant because I feel secure within myself and love for him. its totally possible. I feel it. and I feel I can reach that with Jedidiah. and I also know I can reach that with other souls as well. may I be tantalized in ways I am not even able to comprehend.

and so it is.

success is business. success in love. success in integration fo community. success in health and feeling/looking so damn sexy and vibrant and beautiful and empowered.

word of the year. success.

boom!

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skiin-ii-min-blog · 7 years

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motivation/tips/safety||| i previously uploaded this but my account was deleted

Thinspo Page Repeat after me: This year I WILL get skinny. No matter what it takes what you EAT in private. You WEAR in public ✿ Tips to not eat: •Think of how eating has caused you so much sadness as a result of your weight •Think of something to kill your appetite, such as a look or comment someone has made to you •Think of your crush or bae’s exs if they have any and how you compare. You’ll be so much more desirable when you lose weight. Make them jealous, you can do it. People will be so much more attracted to you too •Eating makes you feel regret and disgusting so stop doing that to yourself!!!  •You actually feel really good after a few days of not eating which is really motivating •Your skin will clear up and start to look really good when you only consume water every day. Eating is mental. Find your head space and stop eating. You will feel so good about yourself and you will lose weight. You deserve to love your body and it’s as easy as drinking only water. Meanspo •Don’t eat you fucking whale. You want to get fatter? No? Then ignore the urges, ignore the cravings, and one day you’ll be skinny. But only if you don’t binge. Dont fuck this up. Put the food back, drink your water and go do something better with your time. Honestly you just keep eating and eating, will you ever fucking stop? You won’t get a thigh gap and flat stomach if you pig out whenever you get a chance. Absolutely fucking pathetic. You tell yourself that you’re strong enough to go without food then you binge whenever you get a chance. How can you even say you have an eating disorder when you’re so fucking fat? Imagine walking at the mall or walking into school and feeling like people are staring at you not because you’re fat but because they envy your thin body. You’ll never get there if you keep letting food control you, pig. You count calories but can’t control yourself enough to keep the number low. You do pitiful little exercises but it’s not near enough. Work harder or you’ll never be skinny. Work harder or you’ll never be beautiful. Stop making fucking excuses and get yourself under control before you gain even more weight. Fast, restrict, exercise until you feel sick, do whatever you need to do to get rid of all the fat that makes you look like a goddamn whale.  You think you’re thin enough to eat that? * You think you can eat all that and still be thin? You know the minute you put that in your mouth you’ll regret it. You’ll gain and be the pig you always were. Look at yourself. You don’t need that extra scoop of ice cream. You’re so hopeless thinking you’re thin enough to eat that piece of pie. You’re not even close. You think if you keep up all these fat ass tendencies you’ll reach your goal weight? Ha. I don’t think you’ll ever reach your goal! Why do you even have one? Every time I see you you’re eating again! Just stop! Maybe if you stop eating all the time you’ll lose a few! Hell you could lose a lot! Thick thighs, cottage cheese looking ass and saggy fat boob? Is that what you want people to see you for? Because that all I see in you. Stop eating. Your new diet is water. You want to get thin? Stop eating like a pig bitch. * You’ve gotta stop thinking about those cookies. You dont need anymore, look how fat you are. Do you want to be a pig? The food doesn’t control you, snap it of it. One is fine but two or three? That’s over doing it. You’re a fucking fat ass and you look like one too. But honey, I promise you, if you dont eat any more junk you wont have to be a fat ass for long. You didn’t buy that scale for nothing. You didn’t buy it so you could keep it in the corner, under your bed and be afraid to look at it. You bought it so you could feel the satisfaction of watching the numbers go down. Think about how good you’ll feel every pound that you lose. All your hard efforts have paid off, you can’t deny that. You’re 7 pounds away from your first goal weight. It could be four next week if you keep it up. So what do you think you’re doing, eying those cookies?  •Do you even want to be beautiful? Think about it. Is stuffing your face with sweets beautiful? Would a beautiful person keep eating like you do? No. Beautiful is bones. Collarbones, hipbones. You say you want them but then you go and eat like shit. Go to your room. Drink the water. Close your eyes and imagine yourself running your fingers down your ribcage. Oh, you’re hungry? Too bad. Remember the joy you felt when you saw that you were three pounds lighter? With your jacket and shoes on and everything. Now imagine being three more pounds lighter. And then three more. Until eventually you’re at your second goal weight. You long for that, right? Then. Dont. Eat. I know its hard to imagine now, baby, but you can be like those girls in those pictures. Like the girls you admire. After a while you’ll start to notice your pants being lose. Imagine looking in the mirror and seeing your favorite shirt actually look good on you. Then imagine putting on one that you grew out of a while ago. Sounds nice right? Think about all the pants you’ve had to give up because your thighs rubbed against each other so much that it caused a hole. Imagine not even having to worry about that because your thighs dont touch. That sounds good, right? But it’ll take some time. The more you eat, the more time it’ll take. So dont eat anymore okay? You did well today. I’m proud of you. Soon you wont be little miss piggy anymore. * If you were skinny he’d still want to talk with you. If you were skinny he wouldn’t have moved on. If you were skinny he would text you first. If you were skinny you wouldn’t feel like a burden. Stop eating those chips you fat pig. He won’t ever notice you if you keep eating. If you stop eating he’ll stop texting other girls. If you stop eating his hands could glide on your body. If you stop eating you can pull off the crop top and shorts. STOP EATING YOU PIG MAKE HIM LIKE YOU My Reasons: * no more muffin top  * no more shame  * you can look good in skirts/tights  * show everyone that you’re not the fat one and to be skinnier than everyone else  * so you don’t have to wear baggy tops, even though you’ll look just as good in them too!  * no more fat thighs  * no more embarrassing jiggling * no more chubby cheeks& double chin  * your arms won’t flab * better cosplay  * small and dainty wrists  * long& slim fingers * bony hands * bony ankles * beautiful and skinny back  * beautiful rib cage  * hip bones.  * prominent collar bones& chest bones  * you can actually get on people’s back without them thinking about how heavy you are  * you’ll look tiny and beautiful  * beautiful and tiny stomach  * your calves won’t look thick and gross  * skinny jeans always look better on skinny people  * knee high socks * you can wear bed shorts without making yourself want to throw up  * you will finally be good enough  * your uniform will look much better  * you won’t be that stupid, fat, ugly klutz - Lose weight. - Fuck up. - Try Again. It’s okay to fuck up sometimes - but It’s not okay to give up. Your progress isn’t lost, just pick up the pieces and try again. You’ve been dreaming about this for too long to just give up after a minor setback. You can have the body you’ve always dreamed of; the one you look at in thinspo. You will have it. You can be your own thinspo. Keep going. You will be skinny! I’m sick - Im sick of elastic bands giving me muffin top -I’m sick of having to wear jeggings because jeans are uncomfortable  - I’m sick of looking bad in tight AND loose clothes - I’m sick of having days where I feel too fat to wear ANYTHING - I’m sick of dreading trying on clothes in my favorite store - I’m sick of having fat rolls when sitting, bending forward, or laying on my side - I’m sick of having to pull my pants up high on my waist to hide my fat bump - I’m sick of knowing he’d rather look at skinny girls than me - I’m sick of being afraid that I’ll finally tip the scale to overweight  - I’m sick of covering up at the pool/beach - I’m sick of always giving in to my cravings - It’s time to make a change because I’m sick of not feeling good in my own skin 5 Questions Before Eating: 1. Am i going to be happy with myself after I eat this? 2. Am I really hungry or do I just enjoy the comfort? 3. Is this food what I planned on eating today? 4. Will this food nourish my body in a healthy way? 5. Do I need a distraction right now to resist this temptation? Reminders - be patient. Losing that weight won’t come overnight - flavour is temporary but lost weight is permanent - nobody can force food inside your mouth - do it for your future self - don’t get overwhelmed by the goal. Take it one day at a time - more fruits and water, less junk food - chew gum to control cravings - picture your future skinny (even more) beautiful self - go outside a lot. It will keep you motivated to lose weight when you see skinny or fit people - No excuses !!!!!! - remember your reasons - keep going, you can do it ❤️ this is going to be the year of ♡ protruding collarbones ♡ flat stomach ♡ protruding ribs ♡ thigh gap ♡ protruding hipbones  ♡ skinny legs  ♡ prominent cheekbones ❄️🌸 Body Goals 🌸❄️ 🌸 Thigh gap, even when my knees are pressed together tightly  ❄️ Hip bones that are far past my belly 🌸 A flat tummy that has a cute belly button  ❄️ Flat abs that always look good 🌸 Teensy tiny wrists  ❄️ Slim calves and ankles that tuck cutely into shoes and boots  🌸 Arms that never, ever jiggle  ❄️ Legs that thigh highs fit around perfectly SAFE DIET RULES ~ 1. always eat when your stomach hurts really bad. growling is totally okay and you may just have appetite, but when it comes to real pain, starving should stop! You probably need the nutrients! 2. drink water and tea, but stay away from unhealthy and sugary drinks. You’ll just feel bad after drinking them. 3. I don’t recommend hardcore- fasting. Never. Even if you binged. 4. Calories in healthy things are never bad calories! 5. Stay fit. Do Yoga daily or go to a gym 3-4 times the week, or go on a run if you have time. 6. Never punish yourself if you binged. You’ll probably feel worse. It’s done and the time can’t be turned back. Just get over it and never lose motivation. 7. See your therapist (if you’re in therapy) regular and talk t. 8. Stay in contact with your Ana Buddies. They go trough the same as you. Give love and you’ll get love back || Always remember that true beauty comes from the inside and even if you don’t think you’re worth to be loved, you are. you know whats better than stuffing your face with shitty food? Watching the numbers on the scale go down Watching my skin get clearer and more even in tone Eating juicy, nourishing fruits and vegetables and feeling satisfied instead of brownies, cakes, and cookies that you’ll only regret, filled with empty calories Eventually having all the clothes in the store fit, instead of crying because you’re muffin top won’t let you zip up your jeans Having smaller, perkier breasts instead of saggy unshapely ones Being able to wear short shorts, skirts, and bikinis without worrying that your ass looks gross because of a ton of cellulite, uneven skin tone, and lumpy fat Turning heads in admiration, not disgust Having a hot body when everyone around you is out of shape and obese Having curves, and not curves of backfat and stomach rolls Having all stores cater to your size, instead of having to order ‘plus sized’ clothing online, or in specialized stores with huge mark-ups Being able to go thrift store shopping knowing that they’ll have something that fits instead of settling for the only shapeless item that fits you Being able to wear tight fitting outfits, like form-fitting dresses and t-shirts without it riding up over your stomach or making you look like a sausage casing about to explode Being able to wear high heels without having to carry around all that extra weight Having a body that you worked hard for, fought hard for, and now get to show off instead of cover up Not have to worry about baggy loose clothes making you fatter because you’ll already be thin More defined facial features, neck, collarbones, skinnier forearms, more visible cheekbones Not needing to wear a bra with everything because your boobs are too big and saggy Not havinng to wear *shapewear~* or t’tummy concealing’ jeans Spending less money on junk food at the supermarket Feeling great about yourself and all the hard work you’ve put in Quick Weightloss Masterpost Basics/Tips -drink at least 2.5l of water a day -put a straw in the glass so you can subconsciously drink it -exercise obviously -if you are new to exercise just start with streching and gradually do more and more -if you dont wanna gain a lot of muscle do only cardio -take vitamins -eat only fruits and veggies if you’re able to -dont drink smoothies, they’ll make you less full then when you’re actually eating + blending takes away some vitamins -if you dont count calories it helps knowing what you put in your body -black coffee -dark chocolate if you are craving something sweet (its actually good for you) -also sugar filled fruit helps the cravings as well -GREEN TEA GREEN TEA GREEN TEA -or any detox tea -white tea helps not to absorb carbs so drink it after a juice cleanse or a water fast -weigh yourself in the morning -don’t weigh yourself too much cause you might become obsessed with it -exercise before you eat that way you wont be losing cals but actual fat -DONT DRINK SODA ITS SO BAD FOR YOU -theres so many unnecessary junk in it -bye carbs, red meat and candy -don’t eat too much salty food -don’t eat the same amount of calories everyday -if you’re able to cut out dairy -if you’ve hit the plateu dairy might be the reason as well -wear tight clothes -drink warm water before and cold water after you eat -find a workout buddy  If you struggle with binging -chew on something like cellery or gum -you just got junk food and you’re struggling no to eat it? -give it to you siblings -go for a walk, go run, go to friends house -just get out of the house -distract yourself -scroll through your social media -google the bad sides of binging -look at fitspo on my blog -send me a random ask -take care of yourself -brush your teeth, pluck your eyebrows, take a long bath, shave -lay in your bed,play some music and imagine how would your goal body look like -then make a plan how to make it yours -mints make you supress cravings -when you feel a binge coming on, or are already in the middle of one take 2 tsp of raw apple cider vinegar and put it in a shot glass of water and drink it. It literally just stops your cravings  Motivation -so many cute outfits you’ve always wanted to wear -your eyes literally get bigger as you lose weight -being lifted by a significant other -sitting in someone’s lap and not feeling heavy -everyone being jealous your body -the simplest outfits look good on you -like baggy shirt and leggins -being someone’s goal -your legs look long even if they’re not -CROP TOPS -high wasted jeans and shorts -people whispering about how good you look -cute underwear and pajamas -looking good without putting any effort -beach and pool parties -guys talking about asking you out -getting random compliments from strangers about your figure a note to myself. You want them to be able to put their hands around you waist when you cant even fit your hand around your wrist. You want to go days without eating when you can hardly do 24 hours. You want hipbones and you can barely see your ribs.  You want a thigh gap but you cant see past your stomach. You want to be thin and dainty.  But you have no patience. Things take time. But youre so impatient that you think after a week that nothing is going to change. So you binge. Then you start up again. And you stop and binge. You have a recurring habit when you dont see results fast enough and you need to stop. Stick to your plan for a day Stick to your plan every day until those days become a week. And then two weeks. Then a month. Then you start getting the results you want. First, you could fit your thumb and middle finger around your wrist, three months in and now its your thumb and your pinky. With space in between. First, twenty four whole hours of starving was torture, Three months in and the pains are your drug. First, you had a stomach you felt embarrassed in. Three months in and all ribs are visible and your hipbones stand out through your jeans. First, you wore holes in your jeans with the rubbing of your thighs, the dark marks on your skin from the rashes when you wore skirts were a constant reminder of your struggle. Three months in and your legs are elegant, they no longer rub together and you feel free. Lastly: Three months in, you’re skinny, you did it, you just need patience right now. I believe in you.

#skinny #ana #pro ana #dainty #thin #thinspo #bonespo #fat #ugly #motivation #light #sweetspo

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bites-kms · 6 years

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Silence is the most powerful scream

“How come I didn’t know about this sooner?” “Why no one told me about this atrocity?” “Why dont they teach this at school?” “What was the world doing while this shit was happening?”

Those were the questions I remember asking to myself, without finding any appropriate nor satisfying answer. I sat down on one of the first right rows of the tour bus which was taking us to the Phnom Phen New Market. I was almost in an incredulous mode, wondering and thinking, feeling and crying, shivering and with goose bumps, looking and asking non sense questions to my friend Gabriel, who was sitting as perplex as me on the opposite seat.

We just left the S-21 memorial, ex torture chamber and ex-ex-school. It was such a moving experience. I had to spend 6 years processing - 3 of them living in Asia, meeting and caring for people who I now call family and a 2.5 hrs movie for me to understand how deep it touched me. Only now I can write something about it.

The S-21, also known as Tuol Sleng, was the Khmer Rouge's main prison and torture center. It’s unbelievable that a place that once was used as a happy, gathering and learning den for kids became such thing. I think this is the key element that makes the whole experience even more perverse. Everything is as it was: the desk that once taught stories, grammar and math, where now chained to the floor and used as torture devices where to sit people while questioning them, punishing them and killing them softly.

The Communist Party of Kampuchea (CPK), also known as the Khmer Rouge (Red Khmer) ruled Cambodia from April 17, 1975, until January 1979. In 1976, the Khmer Rouge established the state of Democratic Kampuchea.

In the four years that the Khmer Rouge ruled Cambodia, it was responsible for one of the worst mass killings of the 20th Century. The brutal regime claimed the lives of up to two million people, more than a quarter of the total population.

Under the Marxist leader Pol Pot, the Khmer Rouge tried to take Cambodia back to the Middle Ages, forcing millions of people from the cities to work on communal farms in the countryside.

But this dramatic attempt at social engineering had a terrible cost. Entire families died from execution, starvation, disease and overwork. My Vietnamese friends witnessed part of the horror and their stories still echo in my mind, giving me the chills every time I remember them.

Just by wearing reading glasses you would get killed. According to them, you “looked” as an intellectual, and the revolution couldnt afford any mistakes. Pol Pot used to say “better to kill an innocent by mistake than spare an enemy by mistake”. And so they did. Blank range shoot to your forehead by wearing glasses in the middle of the street, just in case. If you were an artist, forget it. If you were a teacher, you needed to lie about your profession. If you were a dancer or a performer, your life may be spared but your limbs would be cut off. If you were a monk, you were consider a “parasite” to society and you were either slaved into force labor or killed in an instant without hesitation.

Another terrifying aspect of this atrocity was that most of the affected people were kids: boys and girls who were left without family, who turned into their brother and sisters for support, who were considered as wet mud to shape the perfect army of soldiers and revolution devotees, children who never before were exposed to guns nor violence, but that now were building bombs, explosives and other kind of deadly machines and artillery.

The Killing Fields is how the deadly extermination camp near Choeung Ek village is called. Today, it is the site of a Buddhist memorial to the victims, and Tuol Sleng has a museum commemorating the genocide. The memorial park at Choeung Ek has been built around the mass graves of many thousands of victims, most of whom were executed after interrogation at the S-21 Prison in Phnom Penh. The majority of those buried at Choeung Ek were Khmer Rouge victims during the purges within the regime. Many dozens of mass graves are visible above ground, many which have not been excavated yet. Commonly, bones and clothing surface after heavy rainfalls due to the large number of bodies still buried in shallow mass graves. It is not uncommon to run across the bones or teeth of the victims scattered on the surface as one tours the memorial park. If these are found, visitors are asked to notify a memorial park officer or guide.

It was hardcore. Indeed. I was perplex. I remember a daunting silence while some chipping birds interrupted, as a wake up call to your trance. Once again, I didnt realize how deep and how much it impacted me until I realized I needed to write about what happened in Cambodia in a meaningful way.

But Cambodia should not be defined by atrocities nor sad events; on the contrary, these issues fostered one of the most grateful, cheerful and beautiful people in SEA. This actually drives me quite angry, specially with Cambodia, but unfortunately is an common western issue: people associate South East Asian countries with poverty, prostitution or communism, instead of focusing on the good side of them: their people, their rich history, their safety, their delicious food and their breathtaking views. So hey you, Western Tourist! Stop being a tourist and start becoming a traveler! You are missing so MUCH you wont believe. Forget your Instagram account and start interacting with these wonderful people - dont read the lonely planet, read novels, watch movies, talk to locals. Travel with your mind and heart as much as you can travel with your feet.

Due to the recent war, there are many orphanages in Phnom Penh and all around the country, and some of the people who were traveling with me had very strong feelings regarding this: they didnt want to interact whatsoever with these institutions, since they believed they were forcing kids into child-labor. Of course I had a different perspective on the matter: teaching skills such as cooking, sewing, crafts is something worth learning, it is not very different from another technical skill they can learn at school. The money which they gain by selling those items (not at the street, but on the orphanage itself) went either to them (if they were considered old enough) creating a feeling of pride and ownership or to the institution as a whole to use for food and infrastructure for the place. I didn't buy anything (coz there’s still a portion of me that doubts about the actually destination of the money) but I was and I am still convinced that my presence there made a change: even if its was for only those 20 mins we shared, those kids were happier and laughing because of us, they were practicing English, they felt important, they loved the pictures, they hang the polaroids on their walls, they were truly and sincerely full of joy. And that, is already worthy.

Not only the kids and their happiness is something worth mentioning and remembering but also the majestic shape and feeling of Angkor Wat. At the beginning, this was the only thing I knew about Cambodia, but then it transformed into the temple which opened the door to so much more Cambodia to see and admire behind its walls.

It is the the biggest and best kept hindi temple in the world. It is considered as the biggest religious structured ever built and one of the most important archeological treasures of the world. I am happy the the Google Cultural Center and Phibious (an agency I am proud to had called home) got together to make this amazing event happened and took Angkor to the World with Google Street View.

It was built by the Khmer King Suryavarman II in the early 12th century in Yaśodharapura (Khmer: យសោធរបុរៈ, present-day Angkor), the capital of the Khmer Empire, as his state temple and eventual mausoleum. Breaking from the Shaiva tradition of previous kings, Angkor Wat was instead dedicated to Vishnu. As the best-preserved temple at the site, it is the only one to have remained a significant religious centre since its foundation. The temple is at the top of the high classical style of Khmer architecture. It has become a symbol of Cambodia, appearing on its national flag, and it is the country's prime attraction for visitors.

Today, Im happy to claim that Cambodia - along with the rest of South East Asia- stole a piece of my heart and this is just a little tribute I am making to this great Country, who is only as great as its people and faith.

#cambodia #khemer #angkor #angkorwat #war #polpot #faith #peace #love #sea #asia #southeastasia

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cynthiajayusa · 5 years

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‘Schitt’s Creek’ Creator Dan Levy Talks Queer Journey

Oh, sure, Dan Levy gets excited. Really, he does! The sparkle may not be written on his face – cherubic, distinguished, writerly; one with features much like his actor-dad, Eugene Levy – but inside you can bet he’s screaming. It’s a Canadian thing.

Our conversation takes place on a day in mid December, the day after Pop TV’s Schitt’s Creek, his farcical and heartfelt sitcom about a family stripped of their riches that is lovingly created as a gift to this godforsaken world with his father, has picked up a Critics’ Choice nod for Best Comedy Series and Levy is screaming. Really!

“We have a limit to how excited we can be about ourselves,” he says, snickering. He continues, Canadian-modesty fully intact: “But it’s a thrill.”

The thrill humbly extended to a tweet written by the out 35-year-old conveying gratitude for the show’s recent wins when GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics awarded Schitt’s Creek with two honors, TV Comedy of the Year and Unsung TV Show of the Year, during their annual Dorian Awards. (Full, proud disclosure: I’m a member, and I voted for Schitt’s Creek in both categories.)

Get Levy talking about Mariah Carey – the diva inspiration for one of season 4’s sweetest and gayest lines, pertaining to his onscreen boyfriend, Patrick (Noah Reid) – and he won’t stop screaming. We spoke about the Elusive Chanteuse’s prominent place on Schitt’s Creek and about what’s in store for his lovably dramatic character, David Rose, mom Moira (Catherine O’Hara), dad Johnny (Eugene Levy) and sister Alexis (Annie Murphy) in season 5. Plus, this season’s coming out story that Levy says was an emotional shoot and “my proudest episode.”

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I was feeling such disappointment when the Golden Globes and the Emmys didn’t acknowledge Schitt’s Creek yet again this year. So, this Critics’ Choice nod must feel like, “Finally, awards committees are catching up to the rest of the world.”

Slowly but surely we’re cracking into that illustrious group of shows that get nominated for things and it’s a wonderful feeling. We’re a very small show, and I think for very small shows that don’t necessarily have huge resources to promote themselves for award consideration, a nomination from the critics at this point is fantastic. It means it’s been word-of-mouth, and I think the fact that we are also streaming on Netflix has cracked us open to an entirely new and different audience as well.

And listen, our team, first and foremost, just wants to tell really interesting stories and wants to have fun when we go to work every day, and that has always been the goal for me as someone who’s running the show. The minute you start to look outside and think, “Oh, we’re being recognized for this; people are putting us on lists,” it’s wonderful but it can really change the experience of making your show. Suddenly you’re more concerned about, “Are things living up to the standards that the media have kindly set for us?” And that can be really intimidating.

So I try not to pay attention as much as I possibly can; especially when we’re making our show, I try to disengage from all of that so we can really focus on what’s ultimately going to serve our characters. But I’m not gonna lie: It’s been a joy over the past couple of years to see our show up there in the ranks of other shows that I have long admired myself. So I’m just ultimately bursting with pride for our team.

How are the Roses coping with each other during season 5?

Season 4 was a really emotional chapter in this family’s trajectory and we were able to really peel back some layers and show a lot of growth. Season 5 is really about having fun. The guards are down a little bit, which means we can have more fun with our characters, we can put them in stranger situations.

We tried our best to pair characters this season with characters that have never been paired before and really take stories outside of the box and expand our world a little bit, so this season was always intended to be the shiniest and brightest and boldest we’ve ever done. But I’m just really excited because there’s so much in store in season 5. It’s bursting with life and joy and I can’t wait for, particularly, a few episodes.

David does a lot of things this season that, for me, as a gay kid growing up, were horrifying: tree-climbing, baseball. What was your favorite David adventure to shoot this season?

The fun thing about David is he’s someone who has put on such a front for so long that he has really, over the course of his two years in this town, allowed himself to just get in better touch with himself and expose himself to vulnerability in ways that he never would have. So something like the first episode of season 5 (laughs) – constantly feeling the need to prove his relationship and how far he’s willing to go for it – was really fun. I mean, the day was grueling and I was stuck up there (in the trees) for, I think, seven hours…

So by the end of the shoot, your face was David’s. You weren’t even acting anymore.

(Laughs) The character and me as a person really came together in those moments. But yeah, I would say the excitement of our first episode back is really an indicator of what’s to come.

I can’t believe these characters are just now trying on Moira’s wigs. How did that not already happen?

The idea was, for us, that she needed to be on a totally different continent in order for David and Alexis to even dare touch that wall, because of all the things, all the buttons you can press with Moira, those wigs are everything (laughs). So we thought it could be really fun, considering no one’s ever tried them on. And we never ever really touched it, but that was really out of respect for Moira, who was holding court in her home. Now that she’s away we can all sort of have some fun with it, and getting to select which wig we got was a really fun process too. I tried on that little blunt, blonde wig that I wear in the episode and thought, “Well, this could be good for my real life!”

Will there be more Mariah stuff? And also, how much Mariah is played on set?

A lot of Mariah is played just in my life, which seeps into my professional life. She tweeted about the show last year after the Mariah Carey reference in our season 4 finale.

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You recently celebrated that tweet’s anniversary on your IG.

I’ll be celebrating that anniversary for years to come. I lost it. There’s been some amazing people who’ve said some wonderful things about the show, but the Mariah Carey tweet, to me, was like, I don’t even know how to process that. I think back to being a teenager, putting up Mariah Carey posters on my bedroom walls. It was a full-circle moment.

The last time we chatted you told me that one episode in particular this season made you cry. Why is it so meaningful to you?

It’s a layered thing. I find it sometimes quite emotional to be in the position that I am in, to be able to tell queer stories and show them on a mass scale, to write moments and stories, and in this particular case a love story, that seems to really affect people. It’s hard not to think back to a time in your life where you didn’t have that kind of freedom. For me, I think back to high school when I was still in the closet and wondering if I would ever be able to live out in the open. To now be in the position that I am, getting to write what I find to be a really lovely queer romance that millions of people get to watch, it’s quite profound.

And how about the episode’s impact on you?

It’s a particular moment that I had to write that is something that most queer people go through and articulating that, dramatizing that, is just a very meaningful episode for me and for a character in our show. It’s a coming out episode. So getting to write that and trying to find a way around that kind of story that’s been told several times in film and television and literature, finding a dynamic way into that story and out of that story, was probably the greatest joy and challenge I’ve had as a writer for TV. And now that we’ve cut and polished the episode it’s my proudest episode we’ve done as a show.

Given that you understand the weight of this show on your audience, I’m guessing David and Patrick will never break up.

(Laughs) Um, I don’t ever want them to, but you never know what happens. All I know is that we do understand what our fans are enjoying and we certainly wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize their loyalty.

It’s the first successful relationship I’ve had in a while and it’s not even mine.

Funnily enough, me too.

For the Schitt’s Creek: Up Close & Personal tour, you and some cast members are touring various U.S. cities. How did the idea for the tour start and are there any Tina Turner musical numbers?

(Laughs) The idea for the tour started mainly because I think so much of the success of our show is based on the enthusiasm and the word-of-mouth that has come from our fans. And the feedback that I’ve received from our fans has been so much more than, “We love your show”; it’s long letters about how this show has provided sort of a safe space, a happy space, a joyful space in dark times. We seem to have a relationship with the people who watch our show and love our show that is slightly deeper than I think the relationship that a lot of people have with the shows that they watch on TV.

Shooting the show in Canada, we don’t ever really have access to a lot of our fans. We shoot for three months out of the year and the rest of the time is me editing or writing the show, and a lot of the response and feedback we got from fans was a desire to interact with the cast, and so we started developing this idea. It’s a Q-and-A, it’s very casual. We show some things we’ve never shown before, we show some behind-the-scenes stuff, we show some bloopers, and there may or may not be a musical performance that may or may not involve a Tina Turner song sung by someone who may or may not play my boyfriend on a television show (laughs). But for us, it’s a great way for us to meet our fans and for the fans to come and say hi in person. We did our first in Los Angeles a little while ago and it was incredible. There was so much love in the room.

Regarding the writing, do you think in terms of meme-able moments in the writers’ room?

No, no! In fact, there was some kind of Instagram sticker – you know the GIF stickers you can use? There’s one of Moira that apparently had like a billion views or something insane, and I’m always sort of amazed how people have taken moments from our show and turned them into these little internet memes, because when we’re writing we never really think about that. But it’s quite an expressive show (laughs), so I understand how it would be very easy to take some reactions from our cast and make some sort of universal reactions of disgust or confusion.

I used your face when I was disappointed by the Golden Globe nominations.

(Laughs) I’m so happy that I could be there for you in that time.

Has working on this show and writing queer characters with your dad bonded you in ways you didn’t expect it to?

I honestly don’t know, actually. The show has been sort of wonderful in the sense that we have been put in a position where we get to see each other every day. I think just going through the experience of making this show and seeing its success has been a wonderful thing for the two of us.

There are just times in your life when things happen that you’ll never forget and you know that you’re sort of in the middle of doing something quite special and lasting, so I know that whatever I do after this show, we’ll always have this time together, we’ll always have this sort of chapter of our lives that we got to immortalize on screen, which is quite lovely.

source https://hotspotsmagazine.com/2019/02/28/schitts-creek-creator-dan-levy-talks-queer-journey/ from Hot Spots Magazine https://hotspotsmagazin.blogspot.com/2019/02/schitts-creek-creator-dan-levy-talks.html

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