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kalims · 9 months

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ㅤamongst other things

premise. kisses w/ them, and random things?

featuring. dan heng, blade, jing yuan.

content. gender neutral.

cw. mentions of blood, murder for blade lol. he's just down bad for reader in a weird, blade way ig

note. this is ironic since my first genshin post was also about kisses (AKA me getting bored so I wondered why not get into star rail)

will add others soon ig.. I didn't compile all of them here cuz I honestly lack the characterization for them so woop

dan heng

short, abrupt kisses that rarely ever come by goes as quickly as it came. you'd assume that he's doing it on purpose, giving you the kiss that you've been waiting for all day. it shouldn't even be considered a kiss at all from how fleeting his apparent 'peck' is.

in short it's torture.

keyword: assume. cause as convinced as you are that this is just some form of twisted amusement dan heng gains, that's exactly the problem that it entails. as a person wholly, he's so serious to the point you doubt there's nothing that would entertain him besides books.

you learn he isn't much of a fan of those really long kisses, once you both bore witness to a couple eating each other's face in broad daylight and you spotted his weekly shift of expression, a quirk of few centimeters. in this case, a grimace and he looks away.

he, does not really give kisses a lot. as upset as you are, you do agree that when he does give you a kiss, albeit short. it makes it all the more.. amazing? such a mediocre word wouldn't be able to describe it.

basically when you're both left trying to fit in his small cushion (he could've atleast gotten a bed in all this space.) you also learn that he's a really private man.

you've only ever shared kisses in his room, embraces, everything else for that matter. when the door is locked he quite literally melts into you. if you happen to be sitting together he just leans on to you.

dan heng in public: 😶

dan heng in private: 😊

just doesn't show any affection in public, especially if march is around. that girl would make fun of him for hours end and even drag the trailblazer in on her antics of poking fun.

dan heng is indeed a private man.

march isn't the only factor as to why there hasn't been a lot of kisses out in public. if anything he probably wants to kiss you more than you would like.

he'd be lying if he said he wanted to just kiss you as long as those weird main characters of the romance shows march watches cause even though you might want that as well, dan heng won't ever do it.

cause it isn't him, what he is. is the type to get kisses done as soon as he can not because he doesn't enjoy them. it's because he can take a good look at you once he leans back, just like he does any other day.

to admire you.

and cause dan heng isn't the romantic type to kiss you senseless, but the one to give you looks you'd die for.

blade

if dan heng only gives you kisses a few times a day and you'd consider it torture, better get ready to lose your sanity cause you're lucky if blade even crumples at your hand to give you one.

it's not that he doesn't love you. he feels as though it's wrong to label whatever emotion in his chest as something as strong as love, he won't go that far. but he won't label you as something worthy of hatred either, you're.. tolerable?

if anything blade doesn't outright seek to give you his affection through the form of a kiss. his love language is in fact, not physical affection but destroying your enemies :). (if you have one, if not. then whoever bothers you will suffice.)

but if he does, when he does it's the most blade thing he can do. just grabbing your face with one hand as he gives you one of those rough, deep kisses. it's not really desperate or out of need, despite such a wordless action you could feel some emotion he's pouring into it.

better pray it's not hate cause.. 💀

funny thing cause as much as he hates being piled in the same sentence as dan heng, in a way they're rather similar. both just preferring to witness, given their life span.. maybe it's some type of response they're used to.

blade doesn't really do the 'oh I love you' or the random hugs. the fact that he'd even stand so close to you instead of isolating himself and looking all mysterious leaning on a pillar already spoke volumes of his fondness (if not admitted.)

he just.. watches you?

silver wolf comments about it when she's caught his eyes on you many times midst a conversation, behind your back, staring. "better watch out." she says, but even with her disturbed gaze never does he tear his eyes away.

well.

kafka does take it in more stride than her. as someone who's spent a hefty time with blade, even someone as analytical as her can't tell which things he likes, and hates. besides all the blood and pain (well usually for his opponents.)

she for one, tells you that he does indeed like you. cause she can control who blade murders 'for her own good'. but if there's even a single glimpse of drop from a wound he's going feral, and not even kafka or her spirit whisper can tame his rage.

AKA... just lots of murder?

'for your own good :)'.

blade wholly believes that he doesn't need to shower you in affection, or kisses at all. but if you're really so insistent on them he'll give into you, which is surprising cause he's a pretty stubborn man.

most affection you'd get in physical means is when he completely collapses into you, perhaps a sign of weakness. but also trust. one of the rare times he's exhausted himself in his mind to the point where he can't even do anything.

#icanfixhim.

jing yuan

a cheeky man, this one.

jing yuan could give you a load, barriage, arrows, whatever describes the endless assault of pecks he attacks your face with. emphasis on 'could', he has the ability, and the freedom but it doesn't mean he's going to :)

in short you have to work for it, he says.

you can't tell if he's trying to give you one of those motivational, slapping you back to reality lessons or messing with you. you're going to go for the latter since someone as bold as he is lazy.. even jing yuan would relate enough to not hit you with the lesson card.

in a way he's always dragging the time you've gone by without a kiss from him as long as he can just for the sole reason he can see your attempts to conceal your bothered face, even better when the expression of content is all but displayed to him once he gives in.

what? he can't resist you, you know?

you have a feeling he's teasing you again when he says that but it's better to not ponder upon it.

for someone who prefers to 'conserve' his energy. he's got a lot to spare when it comes to the repeated kisses pressed upon your lips, cheeks, eyelids, forehead.. whatever his own mouth can reach. (his favorite is the edges of your eyes..)

just for some reason, one he can't exactly name he ends up giving that particular area more love compared to the others. sometimes more lighter, feathery pecks when he's feeling playful. or the occasional longer, deep press of his lips when he's feeling rather sentimental about his feelings.

he doesn't deserve you.. but if not him, who else? ;)

gets mimi to help him into trapping you inside his office, jing yuan 'calls for your presence' but once you're inside rather than the pressing matters he apparently had to discuss with you (present in his message.) you're met with the man practically snuggling into you as he keeps you in his arms.

rather effortlessly if you might add!

and if you somehow managed to wriggle out his grip. you swore you saw him give the... big... cat a look and suddenly mimi is choosing to sleep right in front of the doors..

come back or you will not get kisses for two days (he's scamming u)

note. NOT PR... hi hsr fandom 🕳 posting in a new fandom makes me so nerviosity

#. . . (๑ᵔ⤙ᵔ๑)#hsr #honkai star rail #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #dan heng x reader #blade x reader #jingyuan x reader #jing yuan x reader #star rail x reader #dan heng #blade #jing yuan #x gn reader

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sugardolle · 7 months

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my new routine to life. 💋

how i get everything i want + succeed. 🎀

first off i don’t use subliminals neither do i participate in affirmation challenges. i use to but i grew to feel that it’s unnecessary. on my account you won’t see neither of those.

i know about affirmations, i know about non dualism, i know about states. however something about all of this did not sit right with me idc, my brain didn’t like it. all of this information and you’re bound to be confused especially with the arguments about what and what, literally for weeks. people take “do what works for you” for granted.

i didn’t throw all of these ideas and concepts away however i shaped tf out of them to fit what feels right with me, and that’s what a lot of people don’t do, hence all of these arguments for no reason ! a bunch of mad people and for what.

a @/nazdoll.e original post ( insta ).

ONE ) i know that what i want will show up for me now or what society called the future. time doesn’t exists to me, my future is my present and so is my past. manifesting on a time crunch doesn’t exist either in my book. because if i already had it, is it really a time crunch? you can’t want something so bad for it just to not show up. when you know you have this much power, whatever you want can’t not show up for you. it’s bound to at this point.

TWO ) when something isn't 'showing' up, it isn't because of me. because i know once i become aware that this thing exist in my life at some point of "time." knowing time does NOT exist. it exists now. i can easily decide on when to have it. just because i became aware of that fact. and for two; the 4D & 3D are the same exact thing. they can't exist separately it's one complete thing. so whatever it is that i want it has no choice but to show up.

THREE ) i can't fix a broken person, i'm not their momma nor a therapist. i feel like a lot of ppl should hear this! i will never take my train of thought, etc., to 'manifest' back dirt ass people !when i can use that energy to put a better person into my life that didn't fuck me over the first time. cause friendship wise i thought about it before but i thought to myself do i need this past energy in my life again?' like nooo. it’s a fresh breath of air manifesting someone new and i find it more comfortable and easier. i’m too good to do myself dirty.

FOUR ) life is effortless once you know you have zero limits, and become aware that you are in control of your own limits ! i promise just sit down one day & close your eyes and become aware of the fact that you can control the limit(s) that you think you have. you can literally erase it.

FIVE ) my mindset has no labels. if it seems correct to me, i will take this and that and follow it. what most of us need to do is relearn and go back to the "basics". the first thing we learned that got us to wherever we are now. it helped me so much, and got rid of any clutter in my mind.. with the information i have, i know i got hella options and so it was just a big spot of ink in my mind. i threw away some stuff and kept some.

i’m now one of those one people who just write down what they want and decide that i have it. fuck a state, fuck an affirmation, that’s literally how it is. obviously i’m educated about those things but i don’t take up all of my time trying to “get in a state” or “how long should i saturated for?”

if you can’t be a spoiled brat about what you want then i don’t know what to tell you. because that’s what it basically it is. 🎀

signing off — vixendolle ( kaydolle ). 🍭 ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨ ʚɞ ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

#kaydolle. 🎀#aka missangel. 🧁#girlblogger #law of assumption #loa blog #manifesting #manifestation #spirituality #it girl #it girl diary #self care #hyperfeminine #vixendolle. 🎀#neville goddard #dream girl #dream life #self concept #affirmations #dolle diaries

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crystaljellie · 1 month

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I honestly think that there are so many interesting songs that fit the life series characters so well, so I’m going to talk about them here and explain why I associate them with these songs!

Bdubs - Never love an anchor by the crane wives

"With this heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful" | It's guilty because Bdubs feels bad, he feels bad he couldn't achieve what he should. He feels bad that he killed Impulse in third life, betrayed him, and even then it got him nothing. He's guilty because he knows the harm he's caused

"There is love that doesn't have a place to rest, but it would burry you if it had settled on your shoulders" | I notice that Bdubs has a lot of trust and faith in his companies, something about this brings back the 'He loves me' scene from last life back. Bdubs loves a lot more than people seem to think he does, so he must hold it back in case of that love being used against him

"I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel" | Maybe things that Bdubs wants to be, for the sake of letting go and letting himself detach from these people so losing them doesn't hurt as much. Letting other people label him as such

BigB - Know How by the Crane wives

"I am not brave; I keep my focus on what is safe," | I think this is fitting to BigB even if it's not necessarily true; I think from his perspective how he feels, ignoring how he is actually very brave. But at the same time he does keep his focus on what is safe, there's a reason why he always makes it to the final or session before the final.

"Just because I know what I'm supposed to do now, doesn't mean I know how" (Edited line to be shorter) | I'm not sure how to explain this but I do think it really fits him, he knows all the things he's meant to do, to survive, for example killing with the boogeymancurse, but he dragged it out till the very very end before he killed Cleo in last life, because he didn't know how he was supposed to do it.

Etho - I don’t know anyone I am by Salvia Palth

"I don't know anyone, I am in relation to anyone I guess" | Etho has always been seen as a loner throughout all seasons, he doesn't very much get the time to make meaningful bonds or understand his teammates. It makes sense he would struggle to see himself as more than just a survivor as well, he hasn't given himself the time to focus on anything else.

Scar - Icicles by The Scary Jokes

"Their shallow observations will only stall the transformation" | This is very secret life scar to me, maybe something something the watchers talking to him, everyone forcing the title of villain onto him, yet the watchers see him as a gift to them, as a victor and they're trying to make sure Scar keeps doing what he has been and not back out because they're calling him 'villain'

"But I admit it would be easier, To be relieved of all this shame and not have to wear it on my sleeve." | This fits Scar's feelings on the matter, not wanting to go forward, not wanting to be shamed and outcast by the rest of the lifers.

"I can only be forgiven if I'm giving myself up to you" | Secret life in general but also back in 3rd life, Scar believing he can only make up for killing Grian at the end by having Grian kill him, something something 'slay me and take the enchanter'

"My world has turned so cold, but I won't cry, 'cause icicles don't soften when they die so why should I" | Despite Scar being constantly alone, he stayed strong he never 'softened' or cried he also became cold which is why he won.

Grian - Bird Song by Florence + The Machine

"And he sang about what I'd become" | How Grian had slowly lost his mind in third life as well as all the other games, how Grian had became someone obsessed with getting kills, going out of his way to trick and trap people and find loopholes to kill

"I picked up the bird and above the den I said 'That's the last song you'll ever sing" | Grian doesn't want to think that he might be a bad person, or he might be going crazy, so he has to silence anyone saying otherwise, anyone that might prove a danger to him. Maybe because he can't let the watchers get word that he's exactly who they say he his. Maybe even so this is relating to the theory that he might have been the one to curse Jimmy.

Impulse - A Mask of My Own Face by Nature Tapes

Okay now hear me out on this one, Impulse is constantly in and out of alliances especially in third life, lying to everyone to gain vantage.

"And none of them would know that I am secretly myself" | Because they trust that Impulse is putting on a facade all the time, but maybe what they are missing is that the facade is what he considers to be him. Or at the very least keeps him safer

"I'd blame it on the person that nobody knows I am" | Something about him always being like 'Oh I did this so they'd trust me more I'm still on your side I promise' Or 'I did this for the task!' When he could have absolutely targeted anyone else.

Martyn - Metaphors by The Crane wives

"I've gotten good at living on someone elses page" | It's the way Martyn is always deceiving and always planning to betray, living on someone else's page, being content and loyal until he has the chance not to be.

"You can't trust a single thing I say" | Idk something about him talking about how he was planning to betray Ren in third life.

"Don't look too hard cause you won't like the scars he left in me" | THIS BEING SO TREEBARK LISTEN TO ME. HE GAVE UP SO MUCH TO REN THERE ARE SO MANY SCARS CAUSED BY FOLLOWING THE ORDERS TO KILL SOMEONE YOU LOVE

Lizzie - The Crooked the Cradle by The crane wives

"There's blood in the water" | Thinking about Lizzie showing up in limited life to play Pearl and the first thing she was tasked with is killing. Like she showed up and instantly was given the title of boogeyman, a gimmick that was only there in the one other season she was in, a sense of familiarity and a sense of dread.

"The quiet are restless the silent are still" | When there is peace on the server and it is quiet there are people waiting to kill. When it is silent it is because all is dead. And Lizzie knows that well being quick to die each time, she is the silent, especially when she fell into the void, she died alone and in scilence.

"If Mercy's abound I'll be safe I'll be sound, and the devil won't know of the love I just couldn't let go" | Something about Joel being the cause of her death In Secret life... loved him so much she went down for him, she couldn't let it go and it got her killed.

"Can anyone hear me?" | Her in the void not being able to be heard....

Mumbo - Saint Bernard by Lincoln

"To remind me that I am a fool" | I am very strongly of the headcanon that Mumbo is also a watcher, something something he needs to remind himself that he is fooling himself into thinking he could fit in with the world of the watchers or the world of the players

"When I am dead I won't join their ranks because they are both holy and free" | And Mumbo's not, Mumbo doesn't get to go where they go, he still has more to do, more to make up for. Still instructions left to follow

"There's really just one thing that we have in common, neither of us will be missed" This is so Mumbo talking to Grian coded for me

Pearl - Here I am by the Crane wives

"How long have I been here all alone" Double life Pearl in her tower....

"Settled in, had a plan but I never factored in, Everyone else saying goodbye" | Basically also double life Pearl she had a plan with Martyn go to the nether get stuff come back find her soulbound, and then they all left her.

"This ghost town is making a ghost of me" | Everyone dying around her, and being alone like this without chance of redemption slowly killing her.

"I promised myself I'd learn to be the one who leaves" | Throughout the next games, like secret life, she'd be the one who leaves instead of gets left behind, but she didn't seeing how she was always last one alive out of her teammates

Skizz - Wrecking ball by mother mother

"I made a fist and not a plan" | Skizz is usually quite reckless and goes action first plan second.

"You gotta see the artistry In tearing the place apart with me, baby" | This but more in the ironic sense, because Skizz while he wants to reign chaos he is also fiercely loyal and kind to his allies, so tearing the place apart with me, is important. He doesn't just want to cause chaos he wants connections

Scott - Icarus

"Climb ye higher and higher and higher 'Til you're far away and breathing cleaner air" | Scott winning last life, climbing higher and higher through the ranks until he breaks through the clouds into what he had hoped was cleaner air spoiler alert it’s not.

"Who have you become in the wake of all that's happened here?" | What’s happened to you, what happened in last life that changed you, what made you so cold and bitter and so quick to assume the worst when double life came

"Spreading out the ashes of a love That only gave and gave" | Either this as flower husbands, being the ashes of a love that only gave to others, or specifically Scott’s love, that only gave and gave to the one whom he loved

"There's no room for all the hearts who will not stay" | For the people who will not stay with him, the watchers pressuring him to do better and leave the, behind. He won’t though.

Joel - The Wolf by the crane wives

"I will join the wolf at my door Breathing out storms when she comes around" | Well yes we know Joel is a dog boy clearly, but also how he is oh so aggressive to everyone he meets, ferocious and knocking things down.

"I am always burning, burning, burning" | Burning with rage? Burning things down? So many emotions they're lighting up his world so much that it blinds him from seeing anything else

Jimmy - Hollow Moon By the crane wives

"In the darkness, Slowly crawling over my skin, Whispers at the door, "let us in, let us in" | Whispers of the watchers, or maybe his curse, something knocking to let death in.

"I won't be sleeping, There's too many monsters in the backyard" | Okay yes funny because of Minecraft mechanics. But also, idk something about Jimmy not being able to see the watchers but still feeling their presence.

(I'm giving Jimmy an extra song because he's special)

Strawberry blond by Mitski

"I love everybody because I love you When you stood up, walked away barefoot And the grass where you lay left a bed in your shape I looked over it and I ached" | YES I AM BACK ON MY FLOWER HUSBANDS BULLSHIT! Trust me so much they're so insanely in love, they love the world because they love each other, their relationship is so sweet and soft.

"All I need, darlin', is a life in your shape I picture it, soft, and I ache" | because all they ever needed was each other, not the death not the violence, just to be in love

Tango - Monster by Dodie

"I'm guessing that I've grown horns I guess I'm human no more I can tell I've rotted in your brain" | Tango's anger and wondering if those reactions made others see less in him. Make him a monster

"You think I'm a crazy bitch I craft my words to fit your head 'Cause no one listens to the dead" | Idk... something about this and Tango, he always dies relatively early too, maybe it's only death that'll comfort him

Cleo - The Garden by The Crane Wives

"My stone, My shield, my steady hand, Hold your light To the darkness in my head" | Something about this being about how Scott has been her friend and ally throughout all seasons

"Give me something pretty to wear beneath my blood-stained clothes" | I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT BUT THIS IS LIMITED LIFE CLETHO, DOES ANYONE HEAR ME PLEASE TRUST

"My darling, the devil knows my name" | Cleo makes a name known for herself by fighting, making a point with their sword

"Get on your knees and, Dig up the garden, Won't you throw down that spade and, Dig up the garden, darling?" | Something something a wife talking to her husband

Ren - Arms Tonite by Mother Mother

"I died in your arms tonight" | Martyn killing Ren in 3rd life....

"I lost sight in your arms tonight, it was nice" | Lost sight of the goal so obsessed with his kingdom and the Red army

"I cry hard because I have died, and you're alive" | Martyn out living him (Not by very long) In third life

Gem - The Well by the Crane Wives

"All the words I couldn't say to you Fill up the spaces in my chest" | This being Shiny Duo and Gem and pearl being on different sides unsure of how to stay together

"Send me anywhere, take me out I'm the well they're gonna drag you down" | Gem knowing she's only going to be used as a catalyst to hurt others despite her wants

"That old house, those rotting memories Burned easier than I'd have thought" | Those short memories of limited life being replaced by the nicer memories of at least the first half of secret life

And I am done yapping, mayhaps I will do more someday

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qtubbo · 3 months

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You know something that really interests me about Tubbo is how he categorizes certain relationships as dangerous and others not. He’s stated his fear over the eggs being used against parents multiple times, even taking someone like Bad to be in greater danger because some greater force might make him choose between Dapper and Pomme. He’s ideas behind Fit and Pac’s relationship is not that they can’t love each other to this level, it’s that they can not label it lest someone use it against them. He believes certain relationships inherently cause danger, due to how other people will see it as a weak point, Parent and Child, Godparent and Godkids, and Lovers.

The way he talked about Empanada being only in danger with her Moms both comes off as religious and trauma based. He believes that universe itself will target a death to when it can cause the most pain, inherently a much more religious belief but one born from his experience with Fred. In the same vein when he compares his thoughts about how Sunny is similarly only in danger with him, it’s not that he doesn’t trust Em’s parents its that he does not trust others to not try and hurt her moms through Empanada.

It’s sad man, he doesn’t think people can be happy in their relationships because there will always be someone seeking to hurt you in the worst ways possible.

#qsmp #Qsmp tubbo #qsmp empanada #qsmp fred #qsmp shipping

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renecdote · 1 year

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in a heartbeat

idk what this is that buddie scene in 6x12 just gave me lots of soft feelings

[Read on AO3]

Eddie doesn’t ask if he’s staying. He puts a sandwich on a plate and slides it across the table, tops up Buck’s water, and pretends he’s not watching out of the corner of his eye while Buck eats. Then he washes the dishes, not arguing when Buck grabs a tea towel and starts drying, and when everything is clean and put away, he offers another beer, and this time Buck says yes.

“Your sister does know you’re here, right?” he asks when they’re back at the couch, Netflix taking its sweet time loading on the TV.

Buck shrugs, picking at his beer label. “She’s probably figured it out.”

Because where else was he going to go?

Eddie just shakes his head, more fond than exasperated the way it might be from anyone else.

“Text her,” he says, not quite a suggestion. “Or she’s going to freak out when she goes over in the morning and you’re not there.”

He doesn’t ask if Buck is staying, he just assumes, and Buck wonders if he should speak to his cardiologist about the way his heart skips a beat. She’ll probably want to run a test for that too, make a note in his file: cause of heart problems — Eddie Diaz. No cure.

He texts Maddie (I’m fine, I’m with Eddie), then silences his phone and shoves it down the back of the couch so he doesn’t have to deal with any of the dozen follow-up questions he’s sure she’ll have. He almost feels bad for it when Eddie’s phone starts chiming a few minutes later, Maddie and Chimney’s names blowing up the screen, but not bad enough to regret it. It’s so much easier to be okay here, at Eddie’s house, on Eddie’s couch, and he doesn’t know how to explain that. Doesn’t know if he even wants to explain it.

(He tried, once, and Maddie just looked at him like she wasn’t sure if she should smack him on the head or hug him really, really tight. Buck decided it was easier not to bring it up again.)

He lets Eddie pick something to watch, sinking into his corner of the couch and trying hard not to think about it being his corner of the couch. It’s not like he always sits here, specifically, and there’s only a limited number of places to sit on a couch anyway, and Eddie sat down first, so. It’s not like it means anything.

(It’s not like it means everything.)

When the chill of the beer gets under Buck’s skin and he starts shivering, Eddie gets up without a word and comes back with a thick fleece blanket from the hall closet.

“Thanks,” Buck mumbles, huddling under it, waiting for the warmth to kick in.

“Nobody would believe you’re from the east coast,” Eddie teases, but he tugs Buck’s legs until they’re in his lap and starts rubbing warmth into him through the blanket.

Buck kind of wants to kiss him. He’s—not sure why that surprises him. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s thought it (not like it wasn’t one of the first thoughts he had about Eddie Diaz, new recruit). Maybe it’s just because he looks across the couch as Eddie raises his beer to his lips, watches the bob of his throat as he swallows, the way he glances at Buck afterwards, and for the first time in a long time he thinks—huh. maybe he wants to kiss me too.

“What?” Eddie asks, still watching him, eyebrows tilting towards confused. “Do I have something on my face?”

There’s room for a bad pickup line there, Buck thinks. Maybe more than one. For a brief moment, he lets himself imagine what might happen if he said it. If he leaned across the space between them and fit their lips together. If Eddie held him close and kissed back.

He shakes his head. “Nothing. Sorry, just—distracted, sorry.”

A quick of Eddie’s lips, something softer than amusement. “Watch the movie, Buck,” he says, squeezing Buck’s ankle, and there it is again, that familiar skip in his heartbeat.

Buck watches the movie, but he doesn’t follow a word of it.

He doesn’t look at Eddie again, either, half afraid of catching his best friend looking back.

When the movie is over, the TV shut off and the room dark, Eddie still doesn’t ask if he’s staying on the couch. He just holds out a hand and pulls Buck to his feet, blanket held around his shoulders like a cape, and gently pushes him down the hall towards the bedroom.

“Okay?” he checks, when they’re both under the covers, too much and too little space between them.

Buck closes his eyes and sees the outline of his best friend in the dark, so close and yet so far.

“Yeah,” he answers. “I’m okay.”

This is more than okay.

Eddie doesn’t ask him to stay, but if he did, Buck knows he would say yes in a heartbeat. It makes him smile as he falls asleep because he’s pretty sure—at least ninety percent sure—that if he asked, Eddie would say yes too.

#Evan Buckley #Eddie Diaz #911 Fox #911 Spoilers #haven't edited this sorry if it's full of mistakes

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chaotic-super · 2 months

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For Her Sake - Chapter 19

AO3 Link

Kara rushes to take a box out of Alex’s hands. Despite being told that she shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting, she’s still doing her best to make the day more difficult by having everyone keep an eye on her so they can snatch boxes out of her hands as she tries to carry them into the new apartment.

“Alex, can you please stop? This is hard enough without us having to babysit you. I know you don’t like to feel like you’re not pulling your weight, but you can still do plenty of work just by pointing your finger at where everything can go.”

“So you can rearrange it later? No thanks. I’m going to go and start unpacking Lori’s things.” Alex hands over the box to Kara and stalks off with a scowl. She really does get grumpy when she can’t help out the way she wants. At least the others didn’t hear her little tantrum because they are outside getting more boxes and furniture from the van that Lena so kindly arranged for them to get so they can move everything into their new apartment.

Kara sighs and sets the box down atop the coffee table so she can find the label scratched onto the side of it with a sharpie. ‘Kara bedroom’. “Ok.” She mumbles to herself, heaving it back up and heading to what is going to be her new bedroom.

This is only the third box set down against one wall and the second she’s taken in there herself, but her heart flutters as she steps inside. It’s been a long while since she’s had her own space. Of course, she loves her sister and her daughter, and she can’t complain about their living situation before, but having this room will be hers, just hers. That feels like magic.

Not to mention the fact that she’s going to have her own bed too. They have had to take out another loan so they can get beds and furniture, but even Alex wasn’t too stressed about it, and that’s telling. Having stable jobs has done wonders for calming her anxiety. Kara is keeping the old bed so Alex can have a nice, comfy new mattress to help ease her back on the harder days, something firmer with more support.

“Hey, you. Are you hiding in here?” Lena’s voice breaks her away from her train of thought.

“Sorry, no. I was just thinking, is all.”

Lena sets another box down on the pile, one aptly labelled ‘Kara’s clothes.’

“Penny for your thoughts.” Lena leans against the doorframe idly, her arms crossing over her chest and her eyes dazzling in the light streaming in from the window.

Kara’s lips curl up into a tender smile. “I was just thinking about how far we’ve come. From that other apartment and struggling to so much as put food on the table and the fear that we would be kicked out at a moment’s notice, which I guess did happen, to us getting lucky and finding this place. We both have jobs, Lori’s happy, I’m happy, I’m going to have my own space for the first time in god knows how long. I have my good luck charm of a girlfriend. I couldn’t be happier.”

Lena glides forward, wrapping her arms around Kara’s waist and resting her forehead on her shoulder. “For the record, you make me very happy too. I’m so proud of you guys for doing all of this.”

“Lena, you caused all of this. We couldn’t have done it without you. We owe it all to you.”

“I don’t think that’s true. I might have helped a little, but you would never have gotten this far if you didn’t have the drive and the love you do. Hell, you got the job at Reign yourself. Sam would have never hired you if you didn’t fit the bill for the staff she needed, and I wouldn’t have hired Alex without her expertise. You’ve got to give yourself more credit.”

“I can give myself credit whilst acknowledging how much you’ve changed my life for the better and being immensely grateful that I met you.” Kara nuzzles her nose into Lena’s hair briefly before leaning back and pressing her lips to Lena’s for a brief moment. She can scarcely believe that she can actually do that now.

Lena shakes her head at her fondly. “One day, I’ll get you to take a compliment.”

“I look forward to that day.” Kara presses another kiss to soft, red lips before pulling Lena to the door by her hands. “Come on, let’s go grab the rest of the boxes, I want to hurry so we can go furniture shopping.”

“I thought you were going to wait and do that in a few days once you’ve unpacked a bit.”

Kara shrugs. “Originally, yeah. We were going to wait until after payday, but then we realized that we still only have one bed and we want to get everything set up so we took out a little loan that we think we can pay off within a couple of months. Lori is super excited about having her own room, so it felt harsh to move in but tell her she can’t stay there because we haven’t bought her a bed yet.”

Lena nods along. “You don’t have to justify anything to me, but I think that sounds like an excellent plan. Besides, it’s probably a good idea to get it all while you have the van at your disposal. I dread to think what it would look like trying to fit anything more than a nightstand in Winn’s car.”

Kara points her finger at Lena. “That’s a very good point.”

“Ok, let’s go and get the rest of the stuff inside so we can go and do that.” Together they start heading out of Kara’s room, but as they pass Lori’s room, Lena spots Alex sitting cross-legged on the floor. “Hey, I’ll catch up in a minute, ok?”

“Sure,” Kara replies.

Lena ducks inside, taking up a similar position against the doorframe to earlier. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“I’m just taking a minute.”

“Whilst pouting?”

Alex heaves out a sigh, leaning back into the wall and letting her head thump back into it. “I just thought I would be happier.”

Lena swings the door behind her until it’s almost shut and slides down the wall until she’s seated next to her. “Why aren’t you happy?”

“I don’t know. I expected to be all excited to actually move in and have a bed to myself. To have a proper space again and be back on my feet. Instead, I feel kind of…numb, I guess.”

“That’s ok, you know? Sometimes it’s the expectation that ruins a moment for us.”

Alex tilts her head towards Lena, her mouth twisting to one side as she thinks. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been too preoccupied thinking about what I could do, all the plans I had for getting everything set up and decorated, that I let my mind run wild, so when we got here and my back and legs started playing up, it kind of burst my bubble.”

Lena rests her hand on Alex’s shoulder, squeezing briefly. “It’s ok to be disappointed, you know?”

“I know. I guess I’m just angry that my disappointment is greater than my joy.”

“Then let’s get your joy levels up.”

“How?”

“We’re going to get the couch out of the van, then you’re going to sit your ass down, get the website up for whichever furniture place is closest and start picking stuff out. We’re going on a shopping spree on my dime. You can put your wallet away and let me help you spruce this place up.”

Alex looks at her, exasperation practically dripping out of every pore. “You know I’m not going to accept that, right?”

“Well, I’m already going to take Lori around the store and let her pick out what she wants. You might as well get in on the fun.”

Raising her eyebrow at Lena in challenge, Alex questions her. “Has Kara said you can spend money on Lori like that?”

“Of course not.”

“And If I was to offer a proposal of you getting Lori’s stuff and one item for me and Kara, would that stop you from trying to buy us more?”

Lena shrugs. “That depends on the item.”

“Dining table?”

“Done. I love having dinner with you guys but I have the cramp I get in my calf when I have to sit around that table.”

Lena stands up and offers her hand to Alex, who takes it and uses it to heave herself up off the floor. “Kara’s going to be pissed when she finds out.”

Brushing her off and throwing a cheeky grin over her shoulder, Lena calls out, “She’ll get over it.”

“Where have Lena and Lori gotten to?” Kara looks around, heaving her cart that has precariously balanced flatpack boxes stacked inside it that are too long and overhang the edges.

Alex shrugs casually. “How would I know?”

“Do you think we should pay for these things first, get them in the van and then come back in so we’re not lugging them around the entire store?” Kara questions.

“That’s a pretty good idea. We can do that and then find the others. I’m sure Winn, Sam and Ruby are meant to be helping us with this stuff too. Everyone got a cart so we could get everything but they’ve all disappeared.”

They go and pay for the one double bed they have stuffed into the cart and a pair of cheap nightstands. There’s still a lot more they could do with getting but this cart is full.

They get it loaded into the van, careful to stack it nicely so everything will fit when they come back with more, before they go back inside with their fingers crossed that they’ll be able to find the rest of the group. The group that they will never go furniture shopping with again.

“I think Lena might have taken her to find a bed and a set of drawers for her room so let’s head over that way.” Kara points in the direction of where she guesses they might be.

“Or we could just keep getting out stuff first. I’m sure they’re fine.” Alex tries to stall her.

Kara ignores her though, not even processing what she just said. “I have a feeling Lori will pick out the most expensive bed there is. We’ll have to deal with a pouty kid later on.”

“I don’t think so. I think she’ll be happy to sleep in her own room so she’ll forget all about it once we’ve got her set up.” Alex taps her arm as she spots something on the end of an aisle. “Hey, glow-in-the-dark stars you can stick onto a ceiling. Shall we get a pack for Lori? I think she’d like them, and it might ease her nerves if she gets anxious sleeping alone for the first time in a long time.”

Kara picks up a pack, checks how many are in there and determines that one pack is plenty. “That’s a really great idea, Alex. I hadn’t even thought about that. Now that you mention it though, I’m expecting her to wake me up, but I’m sure a little cuddle time will be enough to calm her down enough to get her back to sleep.”

Kara is both looking forward to sleeping alone in a real bed and dreading it. In reality, she thinks that she might be the one that is going to struggle with it. She’s not going to admit that to Alex though, she’ll call her a wimp and tell her to enjoy the privacy, which she will also be doing.

Tossing the stars into the cart, they get going again and luckily find Lena and Lori pretty easily. They’re hard to miss with the gigantic cart filled to the brim with stuff and a second cart behind them that Winn is pushing. One is filled with boxes of furniture, and the other holds a mattress and a bunch of smaller items.

“What in the world is going on?” Kara announces her presence with an exclamation of pure shock. “Lena, what’s happening right now?”

Lena looks back at her with her usual calm, suave attitude that isn’t currently doing much to calm Kara’s rapidly beating heart. She can’t afford all of that stuff. Half of it isn’t even necessary, it’s just random bits and bobs that Lori probably picked up on a whim.

“We’re getting stuff to decorate Lori’s room with, and before you panic, it’s on me. I’m determined to become her favourite person and I’m not above using money to take that role.” The joke falls flat with Kara, but everyone else chuckles at the quip.

“Lena, it’s too much.”

“Nope. It’s not and this is going to help some of my favourite people in the long run so I don’t regret it even a little bit.”

Kara shakes her head. “I can’t let you—”

“You’re not letting me do anything. I’m doing it and you’re going to either accept it and be mad at me or accept it and help us build this stuff when we get back to your place.”

“Have you always been this bossy?”

Lena smiles proudly knowing she’s won. “Yep.”

Kara doesn’t want to give in so easily, but Lori is perched on Lena’s hip with a massive grin while Lena smiles down at her like she’s the most adorable thing on the planet, which is kind of is. “Show me what you’ve got then.”

Lori wiggles to get down from where she’s being held so she can run over to Kara and drag her to the first cart. “Look, Mama. Lena’s getting me a princess bed!”

Kara looks down at the picture on the side of one of the boxes and her eyes just about bulge out of her head. “Are we sure this is going to fit in her room? This looks massive.”

Lena reassures her quickly. “Yes, I measured her room before we left. I actually measured all of the bedrooms because I figured you guys would forget.”

“We did,” Alex announces proudly, clapping Lena on the back as she passes her to peer into the cart Winn is leaning over while he yawns, not caring much for the shopping trip and wishing they would have let him wait in the van.

“I was going to get a normal bed, but given the fact that it’s a small room, I thought this would be better.”

Kara takes another look at the bed and has to admit that Lena has a point. It’s a raised bed with storage built beneath it on one side and empty space beneath it on the other side that is covered with a curtain that makes it look like a princess’ castle. It’s perfect for Lori and will solve their space issues. It completely negates their need for any other storage because there’s a wardrobe on one side with a couple of drawers. They can get a toy chest or something to go in the empty space and maybe a little set of shelves or something too. It’s perfect and very very expensive. It’s definitely out of her price range. “You’re sure?” Kara checks again.

“Certain,” Lena confirms. “I think we should get a little beanbag chair for beneath the bed so she can hang out in there.”

“That’s a good idea. I’m getting that though. Plus more storage for the thousands of toys you’ve got in that other cart.”

Lena shakes her head. “No, you’re really not. I’ve got Lori’s room covered.”

“Lena.”

“Kara.”

“Lori!”

Both women look down at the grinning little girl who just wants to be included and burst into a round of giggles. Lena swings her back up onto her hip and wriggles her fingers against her smile to draw a burst of laughter out of her. “Hey, Lori? You don’t mind if I spoil you a little, do you?”

Lori shakes her head quickly and Lena pins Kara with a look that screams, ‘I win’.

“That’s not surprising.” Kara’s shoulders sink as she fully gives in to the fact that Lena is about to buy everything Lori could ever wish for just because she can.

They keep going, Lori occasionally pointing at things and Lena offering up others before the little girl even sees them. Half of this stuff will end up in the living room because there’s no way all of these toys will fit in her bedroom.

Once they leave the kids' section, Kara sighs in relief. Alex already had to go and get a third cart for the storage unit Lena insisted on getting, the beanbag chair, and a bunch of other random things.

“This is it, right?” Kara asks, sounding almost desperate. “No more?”

“Well…” Lena trails off, now feeling a little guilty at seeing that her buying all these things makes Kara feel a little uncomfortable. “I promised Alex a dining table, but I swear that I’ll stop after that.”

The desperate look is replaced by one of confusion, her eyebrows pulling together and her lips curling down. “Alex asked for a dining table?”

“Well, I offered. I love having dinner with you guys.”

“But?”

“But my legs hurt sitting on the floor. I need a proper chair. I don’t care if that makes me stuck up either.” Lena goes straight into defence mode, only stopping when she sees Kara trying to hold back her laughter. “It’s not funny.”

“it is a little bit.”

“No.”

Kara pinches her fingers together but leaves a tiny gap. “A little?”

Lena opens her mouth to argue but doesn’t bother. She copies Kara’s hand movement before turning and pushing the cart away. “Hey, where the hell are Sam and Ruby?”

Kara shrugs. “I think they ditched us to do their own thing a while back.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised at this point. I was hoping they would come join us with their carts.”

“I already bought some stuff. Alex and I took it out to the van and then came back in so we wouldn’t be lugging it about.”

Lena nods approvingly. “That’s a good plan. Let’s go do that, and then I can fill these carts back up.”

“You can what?”

“Stand by and not buy anything else.” Lena huffs. “Except maybe—”

“No.”

Kara runs a hand down her face, harsh and uncoordinated. If she thought going shopping with the group was stressful, then she was sadly very, very wrong. This is stressful. Putting together furniture when someone else is trying to put together something else next to her, messing up her screws with theirs, and getting mad when they can’t find the screwdriver they tucked into their pocket ten minutes ago is one of the worst experiences of her life.

She’s certain that Lena had the right idea when they got back. She immediately had everyone help her take Lori’s bed into their room and then promptly banished everyone out of there so she could work on it herself, the door only opening so she can occasionally toss out the boxes when they’re empty or to use the hallway as extra space when she has particularly large parts floating around that she doesn’t need yet.

“Kara, have you taken my—”

“Under your knee. Stop accusing me.” Kara cuts Winn off, trying to figure out if the sweat dripping down her temple is more annoying than being accused of theft for the sixth time in a two-hour window.

“Oh yeah, thanks.” Winn grabs it, no hint of an apology in sight.

Huffing a little, Kara pushes herself to her feet. Stretching out her back as she stands and limping away because of the rush of pins and needles to her foot, she heads for the kitchen so she can grab a drink. She needs a minute away from the group before she throws something at them, something she’s only preventing herself from doing at the minute by reminding herself that they can’t afford to have to repurchase anything if it breaks.

Letting her eyes lazily wander over the drink options, she freezes when she sees a six-pack of beer sitting front and centre. She has no idea who bought it or when it got put in there, obviously sometime today, but she can’t pinpoint when, but she needs to know who did it so she can make sure they don’t do it again.

There are three missing from the pack, so she decides to do a little snooping and stealthily eyes the room of people in search of the bottles. One is found easily, right next to Alex, and another is on the floor just a few feet away from Winn, but the other is nowhere to be seen. Dread sits heavy on her chest.

Grabbing two sodas, she aims right for the hall to find out for sure.

Kara has to climb over the mountain of cardboard to get to the door of Lori’s room, and when she gets there, she knocks firmly. She doesn’t want to just open the door in case there’s anything on the other side that she could potentially knock over, so instead, she takes caution in her stride and waits for a response like a civilized human being.

The door cracks open a second later and when Kara sees Lena’s face, she has her answer.

“Lena?”

“I’m so sorry.” Lena turns away from her, her hands covering her face as she stoops over, tears freely running down her cheeks. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, I couldn’t stop myself.”

“Lena.” Kara tries to get her to turn back around, but Lena is too busy sobbing into her hands and visibly despising herself.

Kara clicks the door shut behind her, careful not to close it too harshly so she doesn’t startle Lena. She looks ready to be pushed over the edge into a panic attack as it is, which won’t help anyone.

The bottle is half empty and has been propped on the windowsill. Kara stares at it for a moment, debating on whether or not she should go and take it out of here, but the chances are that doing so would make the situation worse, that it would make Lena believe that she’s judging her.

“Lena. It’s ok.”

“It absolutely is not.” Lena swings around to look into her eyes. Teary green meeting worried blue. “I shouldn’t h-have done that.” She loses her words to a sob.

“I should have made sure nobody brought alcohol here, I’m sorry.” Kara tries, moving forward to gently skirt her hands over Lena’s forearms.

Lena shakes her head with a ferocity Kara isn’t expecting. “It’s not your fault. If I were strong enough, this wouldn’t have happened. I should have been able to resist it. I should have—”

“You shouldn’t have had to do anything.”

“I didn’t know he was going to bring me beer, I swear.” Lena diverts the conversation, proving that her mind is whizzing at a hundred miles per hour, a million thoughts ricocheting through her mind as she tries to catch up with the situation and figure out what to do now.

Kara frowns. “Who? Winn?”

Lena nods. “Yeah, It’s not his fault though. When he asked if I wanted a drink, I didn’t know he meant alcohol or else I would have turned him down, but when he put the open bottle in my hand and left before I could say anything, well…I couldn’t resist. I was halfway through it before my brain kicked in and I realized I had just ruined weeks’ worth of work. I was doing so well and just ruined it for half a bottle of cheap beer that tastes like ass.”

“Lena. The fact that you stopped says a lot. Come on, you started this whole thing because you didn’t like relying on alcohol, having half a beer whilst hanging out with friends and building furniture isn’t relying on it.”

Lena sighs. “I understand why you would say that, but I don’t think I ever really told you the extent of my drinking.”

Lena moves to sit down, choosing the only properly clear space in the room, the area beneath the bed, which is pretty much fully constructed, just the doors to the built-in wardrobe left to be added along with the little steps up to the bed. Kara follows her, sitting beside her as their backs press against the wall.

“It was worse than I said originally. I was too embarrassed to tell you how bad it got. I was drinking a lot. As soon as I got home, I was drinking. If I ever had the odd day off, I was drinking. Hell, sometimes, I was drinking at work. I had a cart there and everything. Jess got rid of it for me, but I know that if she didn’t, I would have kept drinking.”

“So, you’ve come a long way. That’s a good thing.”

“Kara, if I can’t resist it when it’s offered, I won’t be able to be sober. I just spent weeks just about keeping myself together, and I gave up too easily. In your four-year-old’s bedroom no less. You should be mad.”

Kara shrugs. “Sure, I’m not particularly happy anyone is drinking in Lori’s room, but I don’t blame you, Lena. I’m not mad. Maybe a little tiny bit disappointed if you really want the honest truth, but this is a journey for you. A little setback isn’t going to stop you, and now you know how terrible it feels to fail, you can use that to keep you from doing so again.”

“It’s not that easy.” Lena angles her body away from Kara, ashamed and downtrodden.

“Addiction never is.” Kara scoots closer until their thighs touch. “I’m not about to condemn you, Lena. You should know that I will support you in whatever way I can. Yes, I have Lori to think about, but you’ve made it very clear that I don’t have to worry about you putting her in danger. If the time comes when I do become worried about that, that’s a conversation that will have to happen, but at this moment in time, I think you’re trying your best and just need a little more help to reach your goals.

“Stay tonight, and tomorrow we can look into what could help. Maybe therapy or AA meetings. This is your journey and we have to find a system that works for you, not one built out of shame or anger. Instead, we’ll build one out of compassion and support. That’s what’s going to help.”

Tears openly roll down Lena’s face. “Thank you.”

“Any time.”

“I just feel so dumb for doing that. I thought I was better than that.”

Kara reaches over and tangles their fingers together. “You are better than that. One action doesn’t define a person. What defines you is what you do now.”

“I’m not drinking again.”

“And I’ll be here supporting you. So will Alex and Sam and everyone out there. You just have to let them in. If you don’t want to tell them, that’s fine too. Either way, this apartment has a new blanket rule: no alcohol allowed.”

Lena sags against the wall, leaning over and resting her head against Kara’s shoulder. “That’s not fair to the others, especially Alex. She deserves to be able to drink in her own home if she wants to.”

“I’ll speak to her. She doesn’t drink often anyway, so I don’t think she’ll mind only drinking at Winn’s place instead.”

“I’m so glad I met you.” Lena nuzzles in closer.

“Believe me, the feeling is mutual.”

“Are you ready to see your room, Lori?” Kara asks cheerfully.

“Yes!” Lori jumps up excitedly and goes to run to her mom but Alex catches her, stopping her from doing so because there’s still a mess in the living room she doesn’t want her to trip over. Instead, she picks her up and sets her on her hip until they are in the hallway, which Kara and Lena have already cleaned up.

After their conversation, Kara sent Lena to clean herself up a little while she started tidying up before they finished the bed and the rest of Lori’s room together.

Kara didn’t know the true extent of all the things Lena bought for Lori until they were putting it all up and she’s been a cross between horrified and amused about the whole thing ever since. Logically, she knows that buying all of these things isn’t going to set Lena back any. She has more money than Kara can even fathom, but there’s still a level of guilt there. She isn’t with Lena for her money and she doesn’t want Lena to ever feel like she is. On the other hand, this is for Lori, who deserves the world. Kara can see how wonderful of an opportunity this is for Lori and can’t turn down Lena’s generosity when it helps Lori. Not that she thinks Lena would let her turn it down if she tried.

Lori grabs Lena’s hand as she passes her, which visibly eases the tension in her shoulders, and Kara is glad for the fact. She may have been able to help calm Lena a little and to reassure her that she’s not going anywhere, that she’s here for her, but there’s just something about the unconditional love a child can bring that Kara can see is healing Lena’s soul.

“Come on then, Ms Lori. I think you’ll like it. We’ve done our very best to make it a room fit for a princess such as yourself.” Lena pins a smile on her face, one that just barely reaches her eyes, but Kara doesn’t care. It’s progress and she’ll take it.

Kara grins as Lena opens the door annoyingly slowly to get Lori to pout a little before she opens it fully and allows her to see her new room. The space that is all hers, something she hasn’t had since before the accident, something she barely remembers, if at all.

“Do you like it?” Kara asks, already knowing what the answer will be.

Lori squeals. “I love it! Mama, I’ve got a castle bed!”

“Yes, you do, baby.” Kara strokes her hair, watching as Lori dives onto her bed, climbing the steps at a pace she didn’t know she could manage.

“Mama, Lena, look!” Lori bounces gently, peering down over the raised side that’s made to protect her in case she rolls in her sleep. “Look at the pretty stars!” She points up at the ceiling, the glow-in-the-dark stars already starting to shine as the daylight fades, marking how long they’ve been working on the apartment.

Lena moves closer to the edge of the bed, looking up at the stars. “Don’t tell your mama I said this, but those are my favourite, and she got you those.” She stage whispers, making Lori giggle.

“Me too, me too.” Lori laughs, holding her arms out for Lena to lift her off the bed so she can get to exploring the underneath part of the bed where the beanbag chair and toy storage is. Lena even managed to find a kid’s bookcase in a soft pink that matches the curtain perfectly for all of her books.

Kara wraps her arm around Lena’s waist, pulling her closer as Lori switches to completely ignoring them in favour of her new toys. She was unhappy when she was told earlier that she would have to wait until her room was done to play with them because they needed the space to build, so she’s making up for lost time. Kara does not doubt that she’ll have to pick Lori up off the floor, where she’ll pass out in a river of toys later.

Lowering her voice, Kara rests her head against Lena’s. “I know you think today has been a bust but look at her. Look how happy she is. You did that. I’m hoping I can make you as happy as she is one day. With how much crap we’ve faced since we’ve known each other, I think we’ve got a pretty solid foundation so far.”

“Me too, but just for the record, we might have only just started dating but so far, you’ve made me very happy.”

“You’ve made me happy too.”

Read chapters before anyone else on Patreon here!

#supergirl #supercorp #kara danvers #lena luthor #kara x lena #fanfic #cw supergirl #supercorp endgame #supercorp fanfic #chaoticsuper

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our-queerplatonic-experience · 20 days

Note

Queer-platonic-questioning (?) Culture is

Feeling like "romantic relationship" doesn't work cause you experience attraction very fluid/wobbly and don't really understand it but feeling like you can't use "queerplatonic relationship" either cause it Does feel romantic sometimes so it feels almost invalidating to qprs in general and -

I'm very confused all the time, being neurodivergent aroace be like that

I had a similar experience as you, my queerplatonic attraction did feel kind of romantic sometimes, but what really helped me is knowing that queerplatonic attraction is anything

if it doesn't fit strictly into one of the other main types of attraction (romantic, platonic, sexual, etc.) it can be queerplatonic. If you feel like the label fits, it does.

#our-queerplatonic-experience #asks

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meimi-haneoka · 5 months

Text

Clear Card Trivia 2 ~ Alice in Clockland and its meaning inside Cardcaptor Sakura Clear Card

"But in the end...what the heck was that 'Clockland' ?"

Raise your hand if you have thought so at least once! If you did, then welcome to one of the posts of my Clear Card trivia series, an unexpected one I have to say, because I had scheduled to write other posts before tackling this one, but today I suddenly realized, thanks to a conversation in a community, that probably this aspect of the series takes precedence over other things.

I've seen countless of people confused over this matter ever since the play started in the plot, and everybody knows that usually when things get unexpectedly complex, they are quick to be labeled as "useless" and "nonsense".

No, Alice in Clockland isn't just a flex on CLAMP's outstanding drawing skills, it isn't useless, it is very much connected to the plot and DOES have a meaning.

Now that the main story is over, I would like to tackle this issue. I don't presume to have the Big Truth in my pocket, especially cause Ohkawa-sensei was quite eloquent in her recent public speeches: a motto she's going by is "If you think so, then it's surely true....for you", but I feel like the way I understood and reconnected the whole play and the consequent events inside Momo's book do work out pretty well, so I'll just do what I usually do: I'll write my own interpretation out here, hoping that people reading it will find it useful, will find the right angle to look at all this part of the story, and have some of their frustrations with this arc sedated. And maybe share it around to help other people too.

I just want to get my voice out there so that no one can say "no one understood it".

Of course the text below is full of spoilers if you haven't read the chapters from 64-ish / volume 13, also I will talk assuming you know what is Kaito's plan and what feelings moved him to think such plan.

Then, if you're ready, let's proceed to see in details what this is all about, starting from the play.

The Alice In Clockland Play

Let's start from the fact that the play is based on Alice Through The Looking Glass, and that is because….well, Alice in Wonderland is Ohkawa's most beloved book, so she really feels connected to it (and as you might know, this isn't CLAMP's first title inspired in Alice in Wonderland). It's just a preference, but for example many other books are referenced in this arc (as you might know from my other post in the Clear Card Trivia series) particularly "Momo" by Michael Ende (yeah, Akiho chose Momo's name from that book!).

The play (first called "The Two Alice" and then at last minute "Alice in Clockland") is undoubtedly the focal point of the second half of Clear Card. It's during the play that Kaito starts the final stage of his plan (and succeeds). But not only that, the plot of the play itself offers a good foreshadowing to what's going to happen to a certain someone later on. CLAMP used the "parallels" structure a lot in this arc, because it enhances the feeling of interconnection between the characters. "I understand what you're going through because the same happened to me". Sakura is an extremely empathetic character so that fits her and her world perfectly.

So the plot of the play Naoko wrote is quite simple: there are these two twin sisters who get separated by supernatural reasons and one of them ends up lost in another world, becoming Queen of it and forgetting completely about her family of origin. In the play they're both called Alice because of the imagery that twins are initially one same being that gets divided in two… Even the family of origin forgets about the lost daughter, but somehow their feelings for her never get erased, and they keep a chair (which stays empty) at their table. It's like they're feeling that someone is missing and are waiting for her to return, even if they don't really know it. One day, a magical black cat gets to meet the Alice who stayed in her world and ends up guiding her to a magical land: his goal is to lead her to meet her lost sister and reunite them. After wandering for a while. Alice finds her sister/Queen of that land, and touching her hands she suddenly remembers who she is, and what she herself came here for, which is to bring her back home. The two go back home together and we reach the happy ending of the play (which we could only see in the rewritten world, but surely followed the scenario Naoko had written). The most important message of the play is that even if we forget about someone, feelings cannot be erased and those will lead us back to the person we forgot and to remember about them. (Does this ring a bell..?)

The Actual Clockland

It might be useful to remind you that we're currently dealing with two major magical tools shaped like books, at this point of the story: one is the Book of Time Momo is guarding (to which Akiho gave the title "Alice in Clockland" and which will inspire the title of the play), a magical book capable of recording someone's life and, activating the so-called "Forbidden Magic", rewrite it completely. Another one is the magical artifact, shaped like a book, that was engraved into Akiho's body by her Clan and the Association of Magicians, where any magical book that Akiho reads gets "written down" , to store its magical power for use and consumption of those criminals. There's just one "tiny" problem: the more magic gets written on it, the more the book consumes and suffocates Akiho's soul, till the point of no return where the soul will get destroyed. The Clan and Association prefer this outcome as it would be easier for them to manipulate Akiho as an artifact, devoid of any conscience.

In the middle of the school play, Kaito brings Sakura and Akiho to Clockland, which is a "dimension" existing inside Momo's book, to prepare them for the rewriting of the world that he's going to perform afterwards. This world is built using Sakura, Akiho and Kaito's memories (you can see many elements that appeared in past chapters and that come from their memories, like the botanical garden where they had a double date, or the rose garden where Kaito met Akiho the first time). Another thing to be noted is that Hitsuzen (the force of inevitability that rules CLAMP's manga) facilitated Kaito enormously, so much that many things went exactly as he wished and how it was convenient for him (which isn't a good thing, since this led to a big big mess). So following the school play's roles, here Akiho is the Queen of this land, she's the most important character and it makes sense seeing who Kaito is doing all of this for. Sakura keeps being Alice, just like in the play.

In Clockland, Kaito removes Sakura and Akiho's memories and stores them in the botanical garden. He needs to do that for two reasons:

‐ just like the play, he hopes that Sakura and Akiho will follow along their roles and recognize eachother as sisters ‐ as such, this Clockland works as some kind of "primer" for their brain; ‐ he needs to change and rewrite those memories to make them become sisters later on, so he needs to have them collected in one place.

It is to be noted that Syaoran here is an intruder, Kaito didn't initially account for him to join in, and wanted to take on the role of the cat himself. In the play the cat is the one who leads one of the Alices to find the other one and make them recognize eachother as sisters, so this is the one thing Kaito wants to do and the role he wants to take on for himself. Kaito also knows that Sakura trusts Syaoran, even at a subconscious level, so he keeps his appearance to ease her in, believing that she'll follow along without making questions (ha, so much for that, Kaito). Not wanting to be hindered in his plan, he uses the Mirror Sakura Card as a red herring for Syaoran. Syaoran, in that regard, even as an intruder ends up achieving a result very in line with his "cat role", which is to make someone remember (Sakura remembers her identity when he shouts her name). The Clear Cards are inside Clockland because Kaito soon will need to use them to power the forbidden spell. As we know from later events, not all of them are there, and some follow his orders (like Shade), some don't (like all the Cards with appearances of Sakura's loved ones, which are trying to give her hints along the way to wake her subconscious up ‐ this is exactly their role and it worked well because Sakura starts to free herself from the spell Kaito casted to keep her subconscious dormant and to keep her in her "in role", symbolized in the manga by a change of fonts used in the dialogues, a thing that those who have read it in English couldn't recognize because they didn't respect that aspect in the translation).

Another thing that Kaito hopes for, while the two girls interact in this "fairytale" (it is very much considered a fairytale by Kaito, since he calls all of them "characters"), is that Sakura will end up creating the Card he needs to operate the exchange of artifacts between him and Akiho (exchanging his pocket watch for the artifact book inside of her). As we said above, Hitsuzen shamelessly favors him and Sakura does end up creating Exchange at the last minute. Once that is done, Kaito doesn't need to keep them in this Clockland anymore, and by the contract they have, Momo starts to activate the forbidden spell on his request, rewriting everyone's memories to satisfy Kaito's wish to turn Akiho into Sakura's sister after he removed the artifact from her with Exchange.

Now, we know what happened after Kaito activated the forbidden spell. Everyone's memories were rewritten following his wish, and he was turned into a dragon and imprisoned by effect of the Seal of D., which was imposed on him by the Association like some sort of "trap", should he ever mess with Akiho's artifact.

But it's here that the play from above comes back in from the "backdoor", to bring the unexpected parallel: Kaito ends up being the character who's lost in another world and whose existence is totally forgotten by a loved one.

But that loved one got a "memento" of him (the pocket watch, which parallels the role of the chair in the play) and that object causes Akiho to feel strange, to feel like she has to fix it, she's extremely attracted to this pocket watch even if she doesn't know why. In the end, just like in the play, Akiho and Kaito reunite and despite not remembering anything about him, and not even having his true appearance in front of her (cause she meets him as a dragon first), Akiho knows perfectly well that that is the person she loves the most, because her feelings weren't erased (just like in the play).

Sakura's role in the finale ends up being similar to the one of the black cat, making everyone remember who they really are and their connections.

So this is roughly the "significance" of both the play and Clockland in this story. It is to be noted that what happens in Clockland is extremely abstract and full of riddles because Alice in Wonderland + Through The Looking Glass are exactly like that. Have you tried to read the originals by Lewis Carrol? It's quite difficult to follow along and nothing seems to make sense….when actually, with a different reading key, it does. I've had to pause my reading of Through The Looking Glass (that I had started in hope to understand the Clear Card story better) multiple times because it's quite difficult for me to stay focused and understand what's going on. I guess Ohkawa‐sensei wanted to go all out on the references to this story, and give the same narrative vibe. The references of course don't stop at the narrative structure, you can read the others in my post about the literary references that I had linked at the beginning of this post, in the section about Alice in Wonderland.

Kaito's True Feelings

Another thing to be noted about Clockland is that since it's playing a lot with the subconscious of the characters, Kaito's true feelings end up appearing here and there. The Queen's Castle, the most important place, is built on crystals, a reference to his true name (something that Sakura points out immediately and Kaito doesn't reply to, while showing a pensive face). Their memories together are protected and stored inside the botanical garden, once again made of crystals. Sakura hits the bull's eye particularly when she says that the rose garden (where Kaito met Akiho for the first time) feels extremely important to someone (that someone is Kaito, of course), and Kaito (disguised as Syaoran) looks away and urges her to move forward. The "someone" could be interpreted as Akiho too, of course, but the Cat/Kaito's reaction and the fact that the Cards told Sakura that this place is strictly interconnected with someone's "wish", makes me lean more toward Kaito. The garden pavillion appearing with the Repair card is another important place because it's where Lilie told him "you'll find something/someone you'll like, one day". It's quite telling that Sakura, despite not even remembering who she is, is guided by her infinite empathy and recognizes immediately those parts of this land that reveal Kaito's true heart and the core of this whole matter, through the continuous questions she keeps posing to everyone, in a desperate attempt to make sense of what's happening and subconsciously fight the spell that's keeping her in her "role" (she'll do that with Akiho too, later).

It's interesting to note also just how much Hitsuzen played on Kaito's side, guiding Tomoyo's instinct to re-do the outfits for the two Alices and ending up giving to Akiho a serious, dark outfit with a black veil. I remember how me and some friends commented that more than a queen, she looked like a mourning bride. Considering what happened afterwards, the imagery CLAMP chose was pretty spot on. Not only that, but the black veil also served as a metaphor for Kaito keeping Akiho's subconscious dormant, making her act like the role of the play required her to. Needless to say, Akiho was able to slip away from the grasp of that spell basically on her own, without even needing magic, only relying on her strong feelings for Kaito (she didn't even remember her name, but lifting the veil up - a very powerful imagery - she remembered that she had someone she loved, and also Sakura's name. This gets once again conveyed in the Japanese version by the change of fonts in the script). The rose headpiece is also another quite interesting part of the outfit, as Sakura asks to the Cat/Kaito why the roses in the garden are all white, despite being this the Red Queen's land... For sure, that place was referencing the real rose garden where Kaito and Akiho met the first time, where the roses were all white, but that also means that the only Red Rose in that land is....Akiho. I also remind you that the rose headpiece was featured in the color page of chapter 69, with Kaito cradling it in his arms with a sweet smile, as if he were holding something very precious....we could read the color illustration as "that's the only thing he got left of Akiho".

This is the reason why Momo, in a moment where the Alices are on their own, tells Kaito that no matter how much he tries to hide himself behind the Syaoran disguise, his true nature shows up anyway. The whole place is full of elements making reference to very important things in his heart, and his true wish. That is only normal because the whole place is made up of their memories. This is also why Momo says that Kaito gave "all of himself" for the activation of the spell.

Another very interesting part is when Sakura, before meeting the Cat/Kaito, meets her friends Rika, Chiharu, Yamazaki and Naoko in the shape of the corresponding Cards (Appear, Synchronize and True & False). The Cards tell her that what appears in this world depends on what Sakura wishes, but her reply is "This is the Red Queen's land. Shouldn't she be the one to decide what appears here in this world?" which works wonderfully on a metaphorical level to point at how Akiho should be the one deciding what happens from now on, since this place is hers and was built for her alone. Seeing how mad Akiho got at Kaito afterwards for deciding her happiness on her behalf, yes, Sakura's question was pretty legit.

In Clockland we have also lots of meaningful interactions between Sakura and Akiho and words said in conversation that will become absolutely essential to help Sakura reaching the truth in the rewritten world (especially the whole discussion about "memories" and "records"), since they stayed in her heart even with the activation of the forbidden spell.

And I believe this is everything regarding these two parts of the Clear Card plot, a way for CLAMP to undoubtedly experiment with a different kind of storytelling, and to ask their readers to dedicate a little bit more of attention to the story, trying to get out of the logical approach to things, and thinking on a more abstract and metaphorical level.

#cardcaptor sakura #card captor sakura #clear card arc #ccsakura #ccs spoilers #clear card trivia #clockland #sakura card captor #clamp

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strangermarvelss · 2 years

Text

partners?- e.m

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Cheerleader!Reader

Summary: you've been working together with dustin on some side work and eddie gets jealous

Warnings: bit of angst but not really, wingman!dustin, fluffy end

Request: Yes

Word Count: 2.3k

A/N: another lovely request! hope i did your dream justice lol. enjoy! -sava

“Tonight at 7 work for you Dustin?” You ask, lunch tray in hand as you and then freshman boy walk closer to his lunch table. The two of you stop when you approach the well known Hellfire table, you looking up and flashing the boys a smile, your eyes lingering on the repeat senior Eddie Munson for a few moments before hearing Dustin respond.

“Yeah, 7 is good. Can you drive me though?” He asks.

“How about I just meet you at your house?” You question. You watch him nod and jump for a second, before bidding him and the other boys goodbye and head off to eat with the rest of the cheer squad. You plop yourself down next to the other girls in your usual seat and begin eating your food.

“I’m totally telling Suzie,” Mike teases as Dustin sits next to him. He scoffs at the Wheeler boy and begins unpacking the lunch his mother prepared for him.

“Yeah, like how could you? Does Never Ending Story mean nothing to you anymore?” Lucas says with sarcasm dripping in his tone. The table erupts into a fit of giggles, causing your head to perk up for a moment from your own. You always admired the Hellfire club, even with them being labeled as outcasts and freaks. They were unapologetically themselves and it was something you wish you could do yourself.

“Will you guys give it a rest? She’s coming over to work on our programing project, we just got paired together last period,” Dustin explains to the table. At the head of the table, the Dungeon Master himself was watching the curly haired freshman with an envious look, his big round eyes beginning to twitch. He felt a nudge come from his side and looked over, causing him to drop his bag of mini pretzels on the table.

“You alright there, Eddie?” Gareth asks.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” The metalhead retorts, scoffing and picking his pretzels up and jamming them in his mouth.

“Oh, I don’t know, just saw you staring daggers at the freshmen over there who has plans with your girl,” Gareth responds back. Eddie’s eyes are quick to glare at him as the table falls silent, a few “oohs” scattering around.

“Your girl? You’ve never even talked to her,” Mike says matter-of-factly. Lucas nudges him in his side, cause Mike to yelp out an in pain.

“Wait, Eddie…do you like Y/N?” Dustin asks him. Everyone’s eyes were now on Eddie once again, a blush beginning to form at his cheeks that he quickly tries to wipe away, which ultimately doesn’t help.

“Shut it Wheeler. And keep your voice down Henderson!” Eddie replies, looking over at the sea of jocks in hopes you weren’t able to hear the conversation from where you sat. He watches your eyes beam as you talk with your other cheer friends, the smile on your face stretching from ear to ear as the bow in your hair moves frantically as you speak. Good, you didn’t hear them.

“Eddie’s had a crush on her since last year, but has been too chicken shit to do anything about it. He just stares and hopes from a far,” Jeff explains to the freshmen members. Eddie was getting physically embarrassed, trying to hide his face and reactions from the truth being spilt out into the open.

“Didn’t know you had a thing for cheerleaders Ed,” Dustin says, shoveling a cracker into his mouth. Eddie rolls his eyes and begins to pick at his pretzels a bit.

“Not just any ol’ cheerleader Henderson,” he begins, looking over to the table where you remained. “Just her.”

“Awwww,” the entire Hellfire table said in unison, making Eddie jump from his seat and beginning to throw his trash away.

“Oh bite me.”

The lunch bell springs to life, notifying everyone to stream out of the cafeteria and back to their regularly scheduled academics. One by one, the Hellfire members rise from their seats and discard of their trash, making their way out of the cafeteria in groups.

“Henderson, wait up,” Eddie calls out, jogging to walk with Dustin towards his next class. “Hey I was wondering, if, uh-you could talk me up to Y/N tonight? You know, casually, make sure its organic. Don’t force it, ya know?” he rambles to the boy. Dustin claps his hand on Eddie’s shoulder and nods.

“Yeah, I’ll see what comes up and make sure to tell her you’re a catch,” he says with a smile. Eddie returns his smile, then flinches when the warning bell rings.

“Shit, can’t be late. Thanks man, I appreciate it!” He exclaims as he scurries down the hall, trying not to be late to Miss O’Donell’s class for who knows however many times now.

———————————————————————————————

You pull up to the address Dustin gave you after school when you were on your way to cheer practice, turning the engine to your car off and climbing out with your backpack in hand. You walk up the path and knock on the door, quickly greeted by a blonde woman with a warm smile.

“You must be Dustin’s partner, Y/N. Dusty! Your partner is here!” She exclaims. She shifts to the side and her hand motions you to step inside, allowing you to match her smile and step through the threshold. You look around for a moment, taking in the cozy nature of Dustin’s home, with family photos and baby pictures scattered around the living room. It warmed your heart seeing people’s domestic life, especially someone as sweet as Dustin.

“Hey, Y/N! Follow me, my room is this way,” Dustin greets you, that braces filled smile growing on his face. You head down the hallway following him.

“Remember to keep your door open Dusty since you’re in there with a girl!” she exclaims sweetly down the hall. You chuckle to yourself as Dustin turns to you, cheeks bright red and an embarrassed look on his face, causing you to giggle.

“Mom!” He yelps out, his voice cracking a little with the hitch pitch tone. You set you bag down next to you as you take a seat on his desk, looking around at all the posters on his wall and figures scattered across various surfaces. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s all good,” you laugh out, bending down to retrieve your books and pencil from your backpack. The two of you begin to bounce ideas off one another in an attempt to get some kind of footing for your project, the lightbulbs flashing for you both once an idea finally landing. Programming was kind of something you wanted to get into, as nerdy as it might sound. You were feeling a lack of passion lately, with the same routine every day putting you in a slump. Wake up, eat, go to school, cheer practice, the Friday night games for both football and basketball with the change of the season quickly approaching, go home, sleep, repeat. It was getting tiresome and you thought signing up for the new programming elective would be an interesting twist.

You go to put your books back in your bag as the two of you continue to talk, searching for some blank flashcards to write down your idea and some methods you both thought would make for a successful project when your walkman falls out, along with the tape you’d found solace in recently.

“Is that a Metallica tape?” Dustin asks you. You pick it up and hold it close to you, smiling at the freshman’s question.

“Yeah, it’s been my go to tape for a few weeks now. I’m trying to expand my interests and I really vibe with their music,” you explain, playing around with the tape for a bit before putting it back in your bag.

“You know,” Dustin begins, shifting a bit on his bed causing you to raise your eyebrows at him. “Eddie, you know Eddie, right? Course you do, everyone does. Anyway, h-he likes Metallica too. I bet he could give you some recommendations for some other bands. Only if you’re interested of course.”

“You really think he’d do that for me?” You question, a blush creeping up your neck and onto the apples of your cheeks, which you try to cover up a bit.

“Yeah of course! He loves giving music suggestions. Why wouldn’t he do that for you?” Dustin asks.

“I dunno…I just feel like he’d never go for anyone like me-shit, I mean talk to someone like me. He always goes on those rants in the cafeteria about popularity being a construct and how jocks and the, freaks, as he calls them, I don’t think of them like that, don’t get along and, uh. Yeah I dunno,” you ramble on, your hands making weird attempts to distract Dustin from your words as you speak. You scratch the back of your neck, embarrassment seeping into your bones and you feel the boy’s eyes staring at you, his jaw slightly agape.

“Go for anyone like you? Y/N…do you like Eddie?” He questions again. Man this kid had a lot of questions. You turn to look at him, trying to hide the smile on your face as you nod.

“You cannot tell him though. I know your club is close but Dustin, I’m begging you not to say anything, please?” You ask, scooting his desk chair closer to him and placing your hands on his shoulders to show him just how serious you were. He nods and you remove your hands, a relieved sigh quickly soothing you from any worries you had felt within the last few minutes. “Alright, well I should probably get back home and work on my other homework for the night.”

You stand from his chair as you gather the last of your things and walk out into the hallway of the Henderson household. You flash a smile at Dustin’s mother, who was in a rocking recliner chair holding their family cat. You walk out the door and down the path again when you hear Dustin calling after you, turning on your heel slightly to meet his gaze.

“Come sit with us at lunch tomorrow. We can talk more about the project, and maybe Eddie will give you some suggestions on music too,” he offers. You nod and wave him goodbye, hopping into your car with a smile as you turn the engine one once again and pull out of his driveway.

———————————————————————————————

Smiling at the lunch lady, you take your tray and walk towards the Hellfire table and take a deep breath. Being nervous about sitting with the club was not something you were used to. You knew them all briefly, exchanging pleasantries when you saw them around the school, which made the other girls on your cheer squad question your sanity, but you didn’t care. They were nice guys and you wished the rest of the school could see them that way.

As you approach the table, you see Dustin look over his shoulder and smile at you, waving you over. You return the smile and scoot pass a few people to get to the open seat, which was right next to Eddie.

“Hey guys,” you greet them, setting your tray down and pulling the chair out to plop down in. You notice the guys staring at you, even the frizzy haired metalhead, blinking a few times as if to make sure this was really happening.

“Uh, hey, Y/N. What’cha doin’ at our table?” Eddie asks you, his chocolatey eyes making contact with yours. You feel your heart quite literally skip a beat, never having been this close in proximity to Eddie, only longing and staring at him from a far. His big eyes were intimidating yet hypnotizing, feeling as if you could swim in the brown sea of his irises. You quickly realize you were staring, and snap out of it before it become creepy.

“Y/N and I were going to talk more about our project. Hope you all don’t mind her joining us today,” Dustin answers for you, looking around the table as everyone nods. You look back over at Eddie, who kept his eyes on you for a moment, before being pulled away by Dustin’s voice, discussing the project a little. Picking at your food a bit, you and Dustin come to a mutual understanding of how you want the project to be completed and agree to a schedule so you can both get a good grade when the project comes due in a few weeks.

“By the way Eddie,” Dustin abruptly says with a snap of his fingers, causing you to jump a little. Your eyes look towards Eddie, who stares at the freshman boy with annoyance, making you giggle just a bit. “I was wondering if you had some music recommendations? Y/N here recently got into Metallica and was talking with me about getting some insights on other bands to listen to.”

Eddie blinks for a second, his eyes darting between you and Dustin for a moment.

“You, Y/N L/N…like Metallica?” He asks simply, his face deadpanned and voice treading lightly. You nod your head and slowly look away from him, starting to feel slightly embarrassed.

“Uh, yeah. I got into them a few weeks ago.”

“Hmm, interesting. Well I’m not one to judge a book by its cover. So there’s this band called-“ Eddie begins to say, but is interrupted by the sharp sound of the lunch bell. He lets out a dramatic groan and rises from his seat in order to throw his trash away, which you follow suit.

“Do you want to tell me about them on the way to O’Donnell’s? Since we have the class together?” You ask him, digging your hands into the pockets of your jeans. You watch his smile grow, his dimples coming to life as he nods and begins to walk with you towards class. As the two of you walk out of the cafeteria, Dustin begins to jump around and scream in excitement.

“My plan totally worked! I am the best wingman ever.”

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ezlo-x · 9 months

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Hey gamers I’ve been considering changing Sheik’s gender identity

Here’s the thing so lately or a good while I have been contemplating changing Sheik's gender. I feel like I am sorta projecting my feelings of my gender with Sheik but slightly different ig Sheik growing up with a trans father and Ganondorf wanted to give Sheik the liberty to be who he wants to be. the Minish have a culture where gender does not matter to them. im terrible at explaining- basically its hard for me to describe my gender and I want that for my au Sheik. like sure im non-binary but tbh I feel like im more then that? I want to be more then that where its hard to describe cause for me its hard to describe I just want to be star dust or a tree branch. And I feel like that would be the same with sheik

Sheik wants to be a Minish, a tree, a korok, and just anything that fits Sheik androgyny. Ever since her dad mentioned "you can be whatever you want to be!" he took that metaphorically and literally. "I want to be a minish cause they don't mind gender but also climb up trees and knit all day. I climb up trees everyday idk how to knit but my dad does. Also my dad calls me Remlit so I guess im this little creature i've never seen before in the woods, I’d like to think that Remlits are tree climbers like how Navi told me" BUT ALSO i want Sheik to still keep the He/him n she/her pronouns cause Sheik doesn't mind those pronouns! Sheik would not like they/them cause it doesn't fit her but would say he is technically genderless

I think I just see Sheik’s gender as there not having a term for it. Sheik is just Sheik a child who lives in the woods, she knows abt her father’s gender experience and takes his transgender journey to note like yeah I’m gonna be who I want to be even if that confuses people

Sheik for me doesn’t really have a label for her gender. I think closest thing would be Sheik being genderqueer or pangender.

#i hope this all makes sense and I don’t sound insane 🧍#tloz au txt

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 1 month

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Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

#aspec antagonism #vent post

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