#circa 2015-2018 i’d say

[butmaybeidk]

[i roll up to my own old bedroom, circa summer 2015. the fandom calendar i used last year still hangs on the wall above my desk, unreplaced. the full-desk weekly calendar my mother gave me when i got my first job is still unused, bearing a note about where i am in a failed show rewatch. notes to myself, inside jokes from bands and shows and movies, tiny sticky note sketches of people with hearts around them - all years old, all stuck in a flurry to the shelves above where my former self sits at the desk. he is 21.]

him: woah why are you in here, i-

[he starts to get up from his chair]

me: [voice low and even] shh bro it's good, mom doesn't know i'm here, i'm you by the way.

him: [sits down carefully, excited and also untrusting] how do i know you're not lying?

me: dude look at me. [beat] then look at you.

him: [eyes narrow] the real me would know i have no concept of what i look like. get out.

me: [eyes rolling] the first cigarettes you ever buy will be menthols instead of the good ones your friend shared with you that one night because you forgot the word "turkish" was in there, and the guy who works at the shell station is an asshole, but you'll be too damn desperate to feel something and for the transaction to end that when you see the package is wrong you'll just nod in angry silence.

him: [beat, solid eye contact] i really do hate him, yeah.

me: yeah.

him: wait i start smoking?

[he shifts a foot, in turn nudging an empty wine bottle collection under the desk.]

me: yeah, i mean. it's like before christmas this year, actually? you go to a house party and sleep over cause you're drunk and mom freaks out, goes to inpatient, that really sucked-

him: [hissing, eyes cutting to the door through which come sounds of the living room, including our parents' voices] mom goes to inpatient!?

me: woah partner, slow your roll a little there, yes. it will suck, you'll have regrets, yadda yadda, try not to beat yourself up or whatever-

him: i-

me: i'm kinda here on a mission or whatever though, so i'd like to like [beat, pops gum] get to that.

him: oh uh... yeah. sure?

[i walk further into the room, only two steps because it's a tiny room for an adult to live in and it's cluttered from the bipolar energy it's contained for almost our whole life.]

me: this may be a hard pill to swallow, dude.

him: [deadpan] i take three to keep me running already. hit me.

me: wow kid, 2018 is gonna hit you like a fucking freight train.

[he frowns, a mere pressing of the lips he learned from our dad]

[beat]

[i sigh]

me: i'm sorry, it's just clear you need to face the facts, and that's mainly just that glorification of your position of illness doesn't let you zoom the fuck out and realize there are things worth fighting for that aren't built upon other people's presences in your life.

him: if this is about-

me: yeah, bro, it's about our first real girlfriend, but she's just the tipping point for a long damn road of making breakthrough after breakthrough that all lead the same damn direction.

[beat. he looks murderous. i look like i remember the fire i felt in my chest back then, like i still feel it in my day.]

me: look at me. listen to me. i promise we stopped making promises we won't keep anymore, and-

[he fidgets with an empty cup that doubtless held an iced coffee days ago and is now dry and dirty.]

him: please. get to it. work in the morning.

me: [nods] gotcha. 2 jobs. split week between days and graveyard. 50 hours a week. almost as much as dad, 2 hours less. it's killing you.

him: [deadpan] wish it would.

me: hey. i'm not here for an it gets better speech, i know you hate that shit. it doesn't get better, you just learn how to fucking enjoy things.

him: [slowly] i enjoy things.

me: you're currently eating yourself alive, and have been for years, about not enjoying things anymore though and i gotta be real with you the parasocial aspect of all this is driving me insane-

him: woah wait-

me: i don't even remember if we knew what that meant at this point though, so you can imagine-

him: i know what that means.

me: i- okay. okay. so anyway i only came here because i recently realized that it applies to other people online as well.

[beat.]

him: [head shaking] wait, i-

me: [rushing on] which is valid, but we get upset when we lose interest in things because people we admire are an inextricable part of that thing for us. we love people, a lot. and while it's okay to miss them because we enjoyed that thing and their part of our experience with it, it's like. not great to let ourself feel like we've betrayed someone we had nearly no connection with because we're leaving the thing we like behind for- get this- something else that gives us a fresh or even just different spike of dopamine. like please dude, please remember that content creators and big name fans in your spaces are not people you know, necessarily, even if you've read all their shit or commented on their content. even if you've been alongside them, you don't know them for shit or owe them fucking shit.

[i gasp for breath.]

him: okay, so-

me: [desperate] it's not fucking fair to hold yourself to a standard of being missed when there are other people in the world- i promise you, we've finally proven to ourself there are other people in the world-

him: hey, i-

me: you wouldn't get it yet, you kinda have to suffer a lot for that one, we don't have the time-

him: [blinking, eyebrows rising] other... people...

me: POINT IS. there are so many people in this world. most of them won't actually notice if you don't stick around for the rest of eternity, much less the rest of the day when you realize you're bored, or that something else just gives you more. yeah, it's a hard world out there, but if they don't know you personally, they can't miss you personally.

him: this is fascinating, uh, and it makes sense, but won't you fuck up our life from what you have now by saying this? like this is a heavy issue, weirdly, for us.

me: [snorts] you think we have that power?

him: [appalled] yeah, i actually did! you've been here! and it's- it's now!

me: [laughing] oh. oh my sweet sum-

him: don't. i'm a witch. it makes sense.

me: i guess. but be realistic with magic. i just astral projected into your dream. y'ain't even gonna remember. i just hope, y'know. osmosis or whatever.

him: that- [beat] explains the giant eyes out in the backyard.

me: [turns to look out the window] oh, red this time.

#parasocial relationships #actuallybipolar #bpd thoughts #my writing #flash fiction #short script #fandom

[becausewerehere]

Hello! I thought I’d write something for tumblr, as it’s been a couple of months now. Even around the time I was posting semi-regularly on twitter (circa the Act II release in Sept), I wasn’t always posting here as well - and I feel like I should try to rectify that! It’s nice to have a devlog.

So, here’s an extremely general BWH update! I mean, I’ve not got a huge amount to say. And I’m aware that’s a pretty bad start to an update post! But I really must stress that if you want to enjoy this post to its fullest, it’s very important that you immediately please lower your expectations. Have you done it? Are they low? I’m going to trust you! If they’re sky-high, I’m going to be livid.

This isn’t a 100% exhaustive list of current BWH developments, by the way! There are one or two things I’m saving for their own post sometime soonish~

Act III Development Update!

Act III is going swimmingly! I took a little time away from BWH after the exhausting last couple of months of Act II’s development, and it was nice to come back with a fresh perspective on Act III. It’s very handy to take a step back and look at it all from a distance! As you may know, the entire BWH story was planned out in 2015, but there were still a handful of plot elements that I’d drafted in that period that I really wasn’t happy with, so I wanted to make sure I’d managed to fix them before starting on the nitty gritty of the actual script. And I’m very happy to have done so - that ought to be the ‘plotline revisions’ stage of Act III sorted now, and it’s definitely much better for it. (Parts of Act II had the same journey! And parts of Act IV definitely will as well, ha.)

So I’ve now started on the script itself! I was very curious to open up the files again - the last time I’d touched the draft was early 2018 (i.e. before BWH went episodic) so it was a bit of a shock to see just *how* rough a lot of it was, hahaha. But it’s nice to finally be fixing it all up into something real, after it’s spent so long as a cluster of chaotic shorthand~

I’ve also been talking to some of the game’s various artists, and I’m very excited to see the new artwork for Act III! Some of it’s arrived already and it’s excellent. But, as always, a huge amount of it is currently top secret. ;)

So I’m happy with how everything’s coming together! As I said on the Steam forums recently - I’m not really giving estimated release dates for Act III because I’ve learned my lesson after my optimistic ETAs for Act II kept being pushed back!! But, extremely unofficially, I’d be very surprised if it wasn’t in 2020, and most likely at a similar time of year to the past two acts~

Minor Updates to Acts I + II

I’m working on these right now! They should be up before too long. They don’t change a massive amount, but just do a little bit of tidying. The Act II one is slightly bigger - I was playing through it again and I’ve found quite a few lines of dialogue I thought could be sharpened up. And they’re generally concentrated in the same scenes! So it’s not a huge overhaul or anything, but still, if you were planning on starting Act II soon, I’d hold off for a very short while until v1.3 is out.

Revamping Publicity

I’ve been fixing up the Itch/Steam pages over the past couple of weeks! I’m not sure they’ll look much different if you’ve not looked at them in a while, but there have been lots of small changes, and hopefully they give off a better first impression now. I’ve also been making new versions of the Character Profiles here on the devlog! They were a little ugly before, but I think they look quite nice now. And a lot of them have been rewritten, to get rid of slightly clunky phrasing from when I originally wrote the descriptions. Check them out!

And Remember! We have a Discord!

A timely reminder about the existence of Windmill Corner, the Because We’re Here Discord! I hadn’t previously linked it on the Itch page / the devlog sidebar - but I realised I should, uh, probably do that. So take a look if you haven’t already! It’s a very nice community, and it’d be great to get some fresh members. (And I’ll post it on the Steam forum near to Act III’s release, I think!)

So! That’s it!

I’ll try not to leave it so long before the next update! But there’s not much to say in the long periods where I’m just working on stuff. Especially as the further BWH progresses, the more spoileriffic the screenshots and artwork become! So there’ll likely be a lot of nice Act II art used for social media over the next few months and precious little from Act III, haha. Anyway, thanks for reading this absolute marathon of a post! You are cool and decent.

~~~~~~

Because We’re Here is a bittersweet otome visual novel in an unforgiving WW1-inspired setting.

Acts I + II are out now on itch.io and Steam!

You can also support Studio Elfriede on Ko-Fi! You’ll help towards the cost of the new Act III artwork, and get in the Special Thanks if you’re not already~

#because we're here #studio elfriede #otome #otoge #otomearmada #dating sim #visual novel #vn #oelvn #evn #renpy #indie gaming #history #ww1 #first world war #english visual novel #indiedev #vndev

[highlyspecificsigns]

the signs as bad sex in fiction award nominees

from the annual contest run by the Literary Review -- technically 2018′s nominees came (fine, pun intended) yesterday, but that’s a Friday and for obvious reasons this is NSFW.

ARIES: Giles Coren, Winkler, 2005: “And he came hard in her mouth and his dick jumped around and rattled on her teeth and he blacked out and she took his dick out of her mouth and lifted herself from his face and whipped the pillow away and he gasped and glugged at the air, and he came again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye and stung like nothing he’d ever had in there, and he yelled with the pain, but the yell could have been anything, and as she grabbed at his dick, which was leaping around like a shower dropped in an empty bath, she scratched his back deeply with the nails of both hands and he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro.”

TAURUS: Jonathan Grimwood, The Last Banquet, 2013: “Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took the drop of milk on my finger. 

Manon smiled when she realised what I was doing. 

You know the peasant saying? If you can't imagine how neighbouring vineyards can produce such different wines put one finger in your woman's quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions… My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco.”

GEMINI: Tarun J Tejpal, The Alchemy of Desire, 2005: “We began to climb peaks and fall off them. We did old things in new ways. And new things in old ways. At times like these we were the work of surrealist masters. Any body part could be joined to any body part. And it would result in a masterpiece. Toe and tongue. Nipple and penis. Finger and the bud. Armpit and mouth. Nose and clitoris. Clavicle and gluteus maximus. Mons venera and phallus indica.

The Last Tango of Labia Minora. Circa 1987.”

CANCER: Christopher Rush, Will, 2007: “O glorious pubes! The ultimate triangle, whose angles delve to hell but point to paradise. Let me sing the black banner, the blackbird's wing, the chink, the cleft, the keyhole in the door. The fig, the fanny, the cranny, the quim - I'd come close to it now, this sudden blush, this ancient avenue, the end of all odysseys and epic aim of life, pulling at my prick now, pulling like a lodestone. ...

All around us nature joined in ... Streamers of heat lashed my back and shoulders and far beneath me now the body of Anne Hathaway began to rage and founder in the rising foam as I clung like a mariner to her heaving haunches, the deep keel of her backbone dipping and lifting through July, through the green surge of growth, till at last the moment came when some colossal wave flung her up high, and I held on for my life, and she screamed loud and long Then O! then O! then O! my true love said and I felt death go through her. Our vessel ran shuddering onto the rocks, a wave of wetness ran through us, the air was rent with screams and I became aware that the bank on which we lay drenched and grounded was journey's end, love's end, the very sea-mark of our utmost sail..”

LEO: James Frey, Katerina, 2018: “Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Cum inside me. Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one. 

One.

White. 

God. 

Cum. 

Cum. 

Cum.”

VIRGO: Matthew Reynolds, The World Was All Before Them, 2013: “In the dappled shadows the bodies cling and thrust and arc and stretch. Toes splay. Arms prop shoulders from which a torso slopes. Two legs spring into the air. A head flaps from side to side. Fingers tense, hips grip and ankles twine. Forehead bows to forehead and hair touches in the air as eyes look longingly into eyes, thighs vie, lip lips lip and… But, damn, dammit! – what was this? Anxiously he began to get the impression that his vas deferens was initiating its rhythmic squeezing too soon, too soon … But phew she too seemed to be surfing the waves of neuromuscular euphoria, so that as, sweating, panting, he bowed his forehead to her chest, she gripped him tight, her sharp nails stabbing; and then they were grinning and kissing each other's noses, cheeks; and then they lay entangled for a moment, breathing; and then they rose, one after another, went for a piss, came back and settled into bed again.“

LIBRA: Joshua Cohen, Numbers, 2015: “Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me. 

“Vous?” 

“Josh,” I said. 

“Vous habillé.” 

“Je vais me undressed, clothes off, unhabillé, déshab.”

SCORPIO: Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan, Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp, 2018: “Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.”

SAGITTARIUS: David Mitchell, Black Swan Green, 2006: “Now her grubby soles met like they were praying. Now his skin was glazed in roast pork sweat. Now she made a noise like a tortured Moomintroll. Now Tom Yew's body jerkjerked judderily jackknifed and a noise like a ripping cable tore out of him. Once more, like he'd been booted in the balls. Her fingernails'd sunk salmony welts into his arse. Debby Crombie's mouth made a perfect O.”

CAPRICORN: David Guterson, Ed King, 2011: “In the shower, Ed stood with his hands at the back of his head, like someone just arrested, while she abused him with a bar of soap. After a while he shut his eyes, and Diane, wielding her fingernails now and starting at his face, helped him out with two practiced hands, one squeezing the family jewels, the other vigorous with the soap-and-warm-water treatment. It didn’t take long for the beautiful and perfect Ed King to ejaculate for the fifth time in twelve hours, while looking like Roman public-bath statuary. Then they rinsed, dried, dressed, and went to an expensive restaurant for lunch .”

AQUARIUS: Morrissey, List of the Lost, 2015: “At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”

PISCES: Sam Mills, The Quiddity of Will Self, 2012: “ … oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, Will, oh, yes, oh, semen-bedizened blood-pusillanimous bed onanistic quiddity fulcrating pelvic thrusts smoke thick typewriter’s click-clack-click Will Our Cock is Spent screaming loving Will is pleased Will is Saved I have done it I have done I am the Chosen One I am his Chosen One oh Will for ever I am yours for ever I am yours for ever I am.”

#bad sex in fiction #literature #the signs #the signs as #signs #zodiac #astrology #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces

[9w1ft]

hello once again internet, i am coming once more around with the dim sum cart. i know you said you were fine for now but, would you care for something this time? nothing new on the cart but... thought i’d check.

TS♡KK pavement in nyc, circa 2014:

(via regular person’s instagram)

same pavement, circa 2015:

(via karlie’s instagram)

here’s what the location of the pavement looked like at the time (via instagram) :

same pavement, circa 2017. there’s been some re-laying of pavement! (via instagram)

somewhere between 2015 and 2017, the T was cut out and the S has been... sanded off? one way we can tell is because karlie posted photos of it in 2018.

(via karlie’s instagram stories. multiple. she first posted it on the day she supposedly went to jury duty? right before the wedding announcement. she then posted similar photos, i wanna say, 2-4 more times?)

so, as i’ve mentioned before...

a J and K put together look like one of two chinese characters (水 永), both of which have appeared in her rep era music videos. ...Ready For It? (永) and End Game (水)

The ...Ready For It? music video was filmed August of 2017. so, after the pavement was re-layed. in the opening of that video, the T in Taylor’s graffiti is literally stretching and curving up to juuust cover the J part of the character

😂tell me this isn’t shade for her T getting replaced with a J i mean come on

hey, i’m not reaching 😂 the T is 😂😂😂

#paved paradise

[maddie-grove]

Bi-Monthly Reading Round-Up: March/April

PLAYLIST

“Hey, Little Songbird” from Hadestown (The Wager)

“New Slang” by the Shins (Spinners)

“Auto de Fé” from Candide (October Wind)

“Let’s Generalize about Men” from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure)

“Juice” by Lizzo (Shrill)

“Love’s Been Good to Me” by Frank Sinatra (Sex and Violence)

“Heroes” by David Bowie (Cracker Jackson)

“Listen to Her Heart” by Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers (The Cybil War)

“Satellite of Love” by Lou Reed (The T.V. Kid)

“Distant Shores” by Chad and Jeremy (Love’s Willing Servant)

“Hast Thou Considered the Tetrapod?” by the Mountain Goats (The Cartoonist)

“Ghost World” by Aimee Mann (Summer of the Swans)

“Floating Vibes” by Surfer Blood (Not the Duke’s Darling)

BEST OF THE BI-MONTH

The Wager by Donna Jo Napoli (2010): Don Giovanni de la Fortuna, a nineteen-year-old nobleman in medieval Sicily, loses his entire fortune to a tidal wave and soon finds himself on the brink of starvation. That’s when the Devil comes knocking with an offer: endless money for the rest of his life if he doesn’t bathe, cut his hair, shave, or change his clothes for three years, three months, and three days. This is a retelling of a lesser-known Sicilian fairy tale and, next to the sublime Breath, it’s Napoli’s best work. Instead of taking the easy route of making Don Giovanni a stupid brat who learns to be nicer and more frugal, she complicates things by making him sweet and resourceful from the beginning, as well as callow and somewhat thoughtless. (His first action after seeing the damage wrought by the tidal wave is to go out and help bury the dead for three straight days.) This makes the message of the book more powerful; if someone deep-down good and intelligent can stand to think more about others and help the less fortunate, then clearly that lesson applies to everyone, not just the worst sort of rich people. Don Giovanni’s unprocessed grief over his long-dead parents and longing for human connection are also very affecting.

WORST OF THE BI-MONTH

Spinners by Donna Jo Napoli and Richard Tchen (1999): In medieval-ish Scotland, a poor tailor longs to marry his sweetheart, a spinner, but her father will only consent if the tailor can show he’ll be a good provider. The tailor tries to make a dress that appears to be made of gold and succeeds; however, he still loses his sweetheart to a rich miller and his health to a magic spinning wheel (as one does). Years later, the sweetheart’s daughter, now a skilled spinner in her own right, finds herself in trouble when a king gets the wrong impression about her being able to spin straw into gold. File this one under “cool idea, half-assed execution.” After a certain point, Napoli seems to run out of her own ideas and just follows “Rumpelstiltskin” to its original conclusion. This wouldn’t be great for any fairy-tale retelling, but the ludicrous “Rumpelstiltskin” needs more reworking than most. Also, the tailor’s sweetheart is such an ableist tool! I’d get it if she chose the rich miller out of concern for financial security, but she just dumps the tailor because the magic spinning wheel basically gave him a supernatural stroke and she thinks it made him evil? You can do better, baby!

REST OF THE BI-MONTH

The Cartoonist by Betsy Byars (1978): Alfie Mason, a quiet eleven-year-old, takes refuge from his unhappy family in the tiny attic of his ramshackle house, drawing faintly absurd cartoons. Then his ne’er-do-well older brother Bubba loses his job, prompting a way-too-excited Mrs. Mason to decide to renovate the attic into a bedroom...so Alfie barricades himself in the attic and throws the family into chaos without saying a word. I first read this book when I was eleven, and even then I found it deeply upsetting. Mrs. Mason seems incapable of seeing anyone but Bubba as a full human being, and she never regrets hurting Alfie or her daughter Alma in order to benefit her eldest. The best Alfie and Alma can do is call her out on it--Alfie through his silent protest, Alma by finally standing up for herself and her little brother--and try to move on. It’s certainly an unvarnished message for a middle-grade novel, but it’s not a bad one, given that some parents are just like that.

Shrill by Lindy West (2016): In this memoir, Lindy West reflects on her personal experiences with fatphobia, the general strangeness of having a human body, abortion, the ethics of comedy, and Internet trolls, among other subjects. This book was genuinely inspiring and amusing to me at a time when I greatly needed a lot of confidence and some laughs, and for that I am eternally grateful. The humor can feel very social-media-circa-2015, but there are worse things than a book capturing a specific moment.

Cracker Jackson by Betsy Byars (1985): Eleven-year-old “Cracker” Jackson Hunter realizes that Alma, his beloved former babysitter, is being physically abused by her husband. Even though his divorced parents forbid it and Alma herself warns him against angering her husband, he tries his best to help her, with mixed results. By all rights, this middle-grade novel should be a tonal mess--Jackson and his best friend Goat get involved in some legit Wacky Schemes--but instead it’s a moving portrait of a kid who has to deal with gut-wrenching adult realities while also navigating sixth-grade drama. I also loved Jackson’s three parental figures. They’re all flawed--Jackson’s mom is a worrywart about stuff that doesn’t matter, his dad can’t hold a conversation with him without lapsing into Dracula impressions, and Alma sometimes treats him more like a peer than a kid--but they all clearly care about him and try to make things okay. 

Not the Duke’s Darling by Elizabeth Hoyt (2018): Years ago, a horrific murder and a dubious attempt at revenge tore apart the lives of Christopher Renshawe and Lady Freya de Moray. Now he’s a widowed duke with severe claustrophobia and a blackmailer on his case, while she’s an undercover spy for a secret society of Scottish witches who help women. (Awesome.) (Also some of them are lesbians.) When they end up at the same house party, she vows to keep hating him for wronging her family, but does that last long? No, because they’re reasonably good at communicating and can appreciate each other’s goals! This spooky Georgian romance didn’t knock my socks off, but it’s a good start to Hoyt’s new Greycourt series and it has a light touch with the serious issues it handles.

Mrs. Martin’s Incomparable Adventure by Courtney Milan (2019): Violetta Beauchamps, a sixty-nine-year-old* bookkeeper, is cheated out of her pension by her landlord boss. In desperation, she hatches her own retirement plan: swindling Bertrice Martin, a wealthy seventy-three-year-old widow, by pretending to be her insolvent nephew’s landlady. Bertrice has refused to pay her nephew’s debts on principle, but she’s willing to make an exception if Violetta will help pester him into vacating his lodgings. Shenanigans and old-lady romance ensue. This mid-Victorian-set romance novella is like an ambiguous image (for example: that picture that’s either a vase or two faces in profile). Look at it as the tale of two L.M.-Montgomery-style elderly women falling in love, and it’s delightful; look at it for deep social commentary, and it’s pretty simplistic and sometimes even callous. I enjoyed it, but it only works on certain levels.

Summer of the Swans by Betsy Byars (1970): Lately, fourteen-year-old Sara Godfrey has been feeling awkward and out of charity with everyone: her absentee father, her plainspoken aunt, her beautiful older sister, the other kids at school, and even her little brother Charlie, who has been mostly nonverbal and easily disoriented since sustaining serious brain damage during a childhood illness. When Charlie goes missing in the night, though, her only thought is to find him. Despite loving Byars, I avoided this Newberry winner as a kid because it looked kind of boring. It is a little sedate in a classic-American-coming-of-age-story way--part “The Scarlet Ibis,” part Judy Blume--but I still loved Sara, who is always ready to throw down, and I found the depiction of Charlie to be surprisingly sensitive for the time. (The language is outdated, but the passages from Charlie’s POV aren’t condescending, plus he isn’t killed off, as I initially feared.) The descriptions of the coal-ravaged West Virginia countryside are also very evocative.

The TV Kid by Betsy Byars (1974): Lenny, a preteen living with his single mom at the kitschy Kentucky motel she owns, struggles in school and has no friends. (His family moves around a lot and he probably has a learning disability.) He has two sources of solace: watching TV and sneaking into the abandoned lake houses in his neighborhood. One day, though, his favorite hobbies get him into trouble. This was one of my favorite Byars books as a kid, even though I was not familiar with the TV landscape of 1974. I liked it a little less this time, but not because it was dated; instead, I was disconcerted by how pro-getting-bitten-by-a-rattlesnake it is. Also, a significant portion of the story is devoted to a child suffering horrible pain from a snakebite, which is harder to take as an adult reader. Still, it’s got some of that classic Byars melancholy.

The Cybil War by Betsy Byars (1981): Eleven-year-old Simon has had a crush on his classmate Cybil for years, because she does awesome stuff like advocate for more active roles for girls in the yearly school pageants. He’s not inspired to act on his feelings, though, until his awful best friend Tony decides he likes Cybil and starts talking shit to her about Simon. There’s a lot to like about this book. Cybil, with her nonchalant confidence and kindness, is a wonderful character, and Simon’s thorough admiration for her is adorable. I also like how Byars ties Simon’s complicated feelings about his deadbeat dad to his efforts to navigate small-scale fifth-grade drama; both weigh heavily on him, and Byars is never condescending about this. Yet the book’s not Byars’s best, mostly because of the lack of generosity towards Cybil’s fat friend Harriet and, to a lesser extent, Tony. 

Sex and Violence by Carrie Mesrobian (2013): Seventeen-year-old Evan doesn’t do serious relationships, instead preferring to hook up with girls and ghost them when he starts having feels. (His family moves around a lot and he’s got some trauma.) Then one girl’s jealous ex orchestrates a horrific assault on them both, leading Evan’s distant widowed dad to take his traumatized son back to their Minnesota hometown. It turns out okay. I liked this novel a lot more once I accepted it as an intentionally messy coming-of-age novel, rather than an issue novel...but it was still a little too messy for its own good. I felt like I was supposed to condemn Evan for having casual sex, something that’s both morally neutral and natural enough for a teen who moves every year, yet the narrative all but endorses his contempt for lower-class girls. I was also uncomfortable with the revelation that Evan was a survivor of statutory rape. It seemed like he was being punished by the narrative only for hyper-sexuality that clearly stemmed from trauma--with a physical assault with some strong sexual implications, no less--but let off the hook for his thoughtless middle-class-boy prejudices. I did feel for him, though, and that carried me through most of the book.

October Wind by Susan Wiggs (1991): In late-fifteenth-century Spain,  Cristóbal Colón (aka Christopher Columbus) tries to convince Queen Isabella to fund a westward expedition. Meanwhile, nobleman Joseph Sarmiento learns an enormous secret about his background and must decide whether to alter the course of his life. During this time, Rafael Viscaino, a young scribe, strives to rise in the world while his friends, aspiring doctor Catalina and cheerful but troubled half-Roma Santiago, have their own struggles. This historical novel (which just barely qualifies as a romance) has a lot of potential, but it wastes too much time on Columbus and Isabella, plus it gives them more credit than they deserve. Wiggs should’ve focused on Joseph, the sexiest and most likable character, and made more of his eventual relationship with Anacaona, a Guanahani woman. Or else she should’ve just made it a poly romance with Rafael/Catalina/Santiago, which she comes this close to doing.

Love’s Willing Servant by Avis Worthington (1980): Left penniless by her father and betrayed by her childhood sweetheart, Lettice Clifford decides to take herself to her sister’s home in colonial Virginia and get a rich husband. She’s surprised to find herself sharing a ship with Geoffrey Finch, a neighbor who has been betrayed by his evil twin and sold into indentured servitude. When his indenture ends up getting bought by her brother-in-law, they grow closer, but multiple creepy people and Bacon’s Rebellion threaten their love. Maybe I’ve just seen too much, but I was pleasantly surprised by the relative inoffensiveness of this Old School romance. Geoffrey is a reasonable person, there’s not a sexual assault every other chapter, and the racism issues are more “the black characters should be more central” than “this is just a defense of slavery” or “calm down with the n-word, Quentin Tarantino.” These small mercies aside, I also enjoyed the absolutely bonkers plot and the use of historical details. I didn’t care much for Lettice, though, because she’s usually either boring or kind of a dick. 

*Nice.

#books #reading #theme of the bi-month: his family moves around a lot #rewritten because tumblr ate it

[ygospamproduction]

@angelslovesouffles​ says:  I will read the chapters whenever you put them out. Although I would like to ask if Gambling With Destiny is actually dead or if you are going do turn your attention to it when you have finished Reconfiguration?

Making this into a post because replies are character sensitive and it kept deleting my answer SO:

The short answer is... I hope so.

I would like very much to get back to Gambling With Destiny when Reconfiguration is over, actually. I even have a plan in my writing notes to tackle a few shorter stories/series while re-writing the earlier chapters of GwD (since circa 2015 me wasn’t writing as well as 2018 me, AS IT SHOULD BE), and then just slide right back into posting the story again... which I assume will end up being somewhere around 70-80 chapters once it’s all done. 

(See why I focused on Reconfig when I realized I can’t juggle huge stories at once? One of these would be finished long before the other!)

But, as that writing update shows, my time is not my own near as much as I’d like. I’d even thought RECONFIG would be done by the end of this year. Now we’re looking more at the end of 2019.... And the longer goals have to spread out, the warier I am to make promises, since I have no idea where I’ll be by then. 

But, that said, I love GwD. I stand by my claim that I’m prouder of that plot than I am of any other I’ve come up with. And I started that story back in 2009, so you can bet I won’t just tire of it because I can’t write for a while. It’s a life-time guarantee, that one. 

But still, hearing that someone is waiting to hear where that tale will end certainly goes a long way in reassuring my motivation will endure. :)

#thank you #replies

[pigsonthewingpdx]

We may become enslaved by our equipment, volume 3:  bass

Pink Floyd’s music is a lot of things to a lot of people, but bass virtuosity is not typically one of them.  Good thing.   Roger Waters’ driving, deceptively simple style was the perfect counterpoint to David Gilmour’s expansive guitar work - and it’s hard to imagine Pink Floyd being what they are with a face-full of funk approach to bass.  Interestingly enough, it’s probably rock’s worst kept secret that Waters doesn’t even play bass on a number of classic Floyd tracks, particularly in the later years - leaving that to either Gilmour or session musicians.

Roger Waters - Live at Pompeii

As far as tribute bands go - it might be easy to understand why a guitarist would want to perform in Pigs on the Wing -  living all the rock glories, as they say,  of playing some of the most iconic riffs and solos in history.  But what about bass guitar?  Here’s a Q and A with Pigs on the Wing bassist Eric Welder to shed a little light on this and the tools he uses to capture the Pink Floyd bass sound.

POTW: First off, what's it like being the bass player in a Pink Floyd tribute band ?  Roger Waters isn't typically regarded as a legendary bassist in the way that Gilmour was regarded as a guitarist - what's the attraction to being in the band ?

EW: Well, for the most part I've had a lot of fun being a part of this project...sure the bass parts aren't typically as highly regarded as Gilmour's guitar parts and while Waters isn't considered a technical “bass master” he is credited with being an incredibly prolific songwriter.  I think that the strength and uniqueness of the source material certainly factors in as a primary attraction musically to me; I've been listening to Pink Floyd probably since I was in grade school and it's been really fun digging down into and dissecting all these songs that I've always considered to be influential to me.  Further, I've been able to explore and perform this material with people that I've come to regard as sort of an extended family, so being a part of that comfortable environment certainly appeals to me as well.

Eric Welder - POTW bassist - performing in Portland, OR in 2015.

POTW: Tell us about the basses you use to recreate the Floyd sounds.   Do you play a fretless ?   How does your rig differ from Waters'  - and why ?

EW: The main bass I use is a Korean-made 24 fret 5-string Fender Jazz Bass. It's one of the few Fender models that features a 24 fret neck, which I tend to favor due to the extended higher range, and the active/passive on-board pre-amp gives me a lot of versatility in dialing in tones (I pretty much always use the passive option for Floyd).  I do have a fretless as well, which I'll use on some songs from time to time (Hey You in particular).  It's kind of a “FrankenFender”; consists of a Fender Jazz Bass Body, a Warwick neck, hipshot tuners, Bartolini pickups, and active/passive electronics.  Waters primarily uses a Fender P Bass, which tend to have a bit thicker neck, shorter scale, and a split coil pickup rather than the dual single coil found on the J Bass (although he's been known to play a Rickenbacker as well, at least early on).  I suppose he uses the P Bass because it's a comfortable fit for him; I've only owned one P Bass in my time and I just never really jived with it.

POTW: What about effects ?   What are the most important effects pedals on your pedalboard ? How do you use them in the context of songs ?

EW: Hmmm.  Most important - tuner? Seriously though, I use my effects pretty sparingly; I'd say the one that gets the most use is the Big Muff Distortion Pedal.  That being said, there are some signature effects in many of the songs (the Phase sound in Sheep, the Tremolo in One of These Days, etc.) so I do have some effects pedals to emulate those sounds on the records.  The pedals I use are all digital versions of the analog effects used on a lot of the original songs so while not an exact tonal match they get the job done.

Eric’s pedal board set up circa 2018

POTW: What the hell is going on effects-wise in One of the These Days ?

EW: Well, in the original it started with both Gilmour and Waters each tracking the bass parts panned L and R in the studio and then patching them though an early delay box called an Echorec.  The middle part was created with some boutique amp with a built-in vibrato and dialing in some tweaked out settings in the preamp.  To sort of emulate those sounds I use the high pass filter on my Big Muff pedal to give the bass a nice treble-y bite to it, and then use a digital delay pedal with the timing set to generate quarter-note/eighth note triplets.  For the bridge section I use a tremolo pedal set to a square wave at full depth; I try to match the rate to the same time as the delay.  I try to put both those pedals close together so I can trigger them both at the same time (turn the delay off and the tremolo on for the bridge).  It's definitely a lot different sonically from the album version or any of the live versions but I feel like this setup adequately captures the overall spirit and energy of the song.

Eric on stage during POTW’s The Wall tour 2017

POTW: How about amps ?   What's your main amp setup look like these days ?  Do you mic your cab live or use a DI ?

EW: I've used an SVT 4-Pro amp for nearly 20 years along with an Epifani UL2 4x10 cabinet.  So I guess all in all my rig isn't too far off of from what Roger uses these days (he's sponsored by Ampeg and uses the SVT 6-Pro with Ampeg 4x10 cabs), Be that as it may, I generally just dial in my own tones rather than try to emulate his.  The bass parts in most of the Pink Floyd canon are fairly subdued and they typically don't get the hardcore scrutiny that Gilmour's guitar parts do.  As far as a setup goes - the SVT 4-Pro actually has 2 amps built in to it, I run it in a Mono-Bridge mode which basically combines the power of both of them; this way I can run up to 1000W into the Epifani, which gives me plenty of headroom for stage volume if need-be.  Typically, I run a DI signal off of an Ampeg DI pedal on my pedalboard through to the mains; although occasionally if the sound engineer prefers they will sometimes mic the cab as well and use a blend of the 2 signals.  Most of the sound engineers we've come to work with over the years are great at what they do so I trust them to dial in a great bass sound for the room; I don't get too hung up on getting that “cabinet” sound.  That being said I do have a fair amount of tonal control on my pedalboard if for some reason I feel like I need to boost/cut something in the room, but I usually leave all that pretty well alone and defer to the engineer who usually has a much better spot in the room.

Eric’s SVT-4 Pro amp rack

POTW: What's the most fun Floyd song to play on bass ?

EW: There's quite a few I  enjoy playing, but if I had to pick a favorite I'd have to say Pigs – Three Different Ones off of Animals.  I think the fact that's it's a little more of a technical bass-driven piece (probably due to the fact Gilmour played bass on that so it's almost more like a guitar part) and it's got such well developed sections and just a great groove to it.  I always love playing that one.

#pink floyd #roger waters #bass #bassist #pigs on the wing

[punninglyswift]

Dear Taylor, 

I’m not great with words. But I have so many words I need to say to you. I thought I’d give you a story of the first time I heard one of your songs, and how now reputation is coming out as I am nearing graduation from college. THAT. IS. CRAZY.

So I’ll try to tell you everything. Here goes.

I’m Isabelle! This is my mom and I:

I’m 20, a Christmas baby...people say that sucks ‘cause ‘no double presents’ but honestly i love having my birthday on Christmas ‘cause I love giving gifts. (ie..getting weirdly specifically funny gifts for my older brothers...!) I turn 21 this Christmas! (So down to drink with you whenever...)

I’m from Rockville, MD, basically right outside DC (kinda) but I’m currently in Chicago for school at Loyola University Chicago! I have 2 foolish yet incredibly smart brothers, my mom is my best friend in the whole world, and I live with my grandparents as well. I’ve played piano since age 3, I love to sing, I am OBSESSED with musical theatre, I love to make people laugh and, on that note, I love comedy-sketch, improv, stand up…you name it. I love puns a little too much…but CAN someone love puns too much? THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST. But I digress. There’s someone who has had a huge impact on my life who I’ve never met, and that someone is you.

2007. I’m in 5th (pretty sure) grade, and our school’s talent show is coming up. Basically, we had to audition to even perform at the talent show (a concept I did not understand but as I type this I’m realizing that is the premise of most music competition shows on TV? Good job, Isabelle. Nailed it.) I played piano, that was it, but an older student (maybe 7th grade at the time) auditioned with a song I hadn’t heard before…it was a song called Our Song. I quickly became obsessed with the song. We both got into the talent show, and she ended up performing A Place in this World in front of the school. I ended up playing my piano piece. Those two songs, not even sung by you the first times I heard them, started my love of your music.

Now...2009-2010. (TIME TRAVEL, RIGHT??) I am in 8th grade, going into high school (CRAZY) and tickets for a certain tour are on sale…the Fearless tour. You had one date in the summer of 2010 for DC at the Verizon Center, but it conflicted with my 8th grade graduation. THEN, because MIRACLES HAPPEN, there was a second date added for DC, the day before the original tour date! Unfortunately, the day before my actual graduation ceremony we had a “mandatory” pre-graduation dinner thing. Still a little bitter I couldn’t go to the Fearless tour, but I made up for it later with 3 other tours.

2011! Freshman year of high school? Life before I knew who I was gonna be...I’m honestly still not sure, as a senior in college. Anyways, freshman year of high school? Not awesome! I went to an all-girls Catholic high school, and I made a lot of friends, but those friendships didn’t really happen till sophomore year. Sophomore year is when I truly threw myself into my school’s performing arts department. I fell in love. I had actually done shows in the summer at my high school, but they were summer camp-y programs, so it was before I was a student there. The first show was Hairspray, follows by the spring production of You’re A Good Man, Charlie Brown. In between, I participated in an Improv Show and a dance concert. Ok. So. I cannot dance. I enjoy dancing, and especially now I still say I cannot dance, but I LOVE DANCING. I love dancing and looking 1000% foolish while doing so. I signed up for a class called “Intro to Modern Dance” thinking it meant modern music, like ‘at the moment’ music. WRONG. 

Basically….I, a VERY pale short female with short brown hair and bangs, wore different pastel leotards that had flowy fabric attached to them and pranced across stage before doing what can ONLY be described as ‘birthing motions’.

...True story. Anyways, not the worst thing, but a funny thing.

So, summer 2011: I was an ensemble member in our summer production of Footloose. I also had successfully gotten (thank you Mom…) tickets to night 1 of the Speak Now World Tour in DC for August 2011. I went by myself, but my oldest brother, Jerry, dropped me off and made sure I was safely inside before he went to a Nationals game. He picked me up as well, and he ended up catching the final sounds of that concert from standing in the lobby after the game. I remember everything about that concert. I remember being awestruck when the incredibly touching intro to the album was spoken by you, and then awestruck by the smoke machine….leading to a powerful, young woman rising up from under a stage in a gold glittery dress. That alone blew me away. I took a few pictures at that show, but this one sticks out-partially because it is the least blurry one I took, and partially because I like that you see you on the big screen and onstage. You were so connected to the crowd. It was a truly magical night:

That night and the Speak Now album mean so much to me. It’s special because it was the first time I ever saw you perform live, Taylor, but also because the album has so many songs I hold dear. All your albums do.

Fearless has songs that reassure me, even at age 20, like Fifteen, and it has the song that is my mom’s favorite…The Best Day. It also has anthems that make my heart pound with a sort of fire…Change.

Speak Now, similarly, has songs that resonate with me and will continue to resonate with me forever.  I can’t even talk about Never Grow Up on here or ever because it makes me cry thinking about how much I love my grandparents, brothers, and my marvelous mom. Enchanted is a song that I could quite possibly talk about for days and days and days. It so specifically illustrates all the emotions I feel when I truly “crush” on someone. It also is helpful, because the words you put to that song are lightyears more poignant than how I could describe how I put feelings into words. And you DID. THAT. Enchanted is a song that means so much to all of us, for obvious reasons. I have to say that “the words i held back” as well as the prologue to speak now really parallel all my worries about overthinking and being afraid to speak up. Thank you for those words. 

It is 2012, my high school is doing The Wiz, and I am freaking out over RED.  Red was a turning point for you, and again, it illustrated feelings in ways I couldn’t fathom: “all I feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight…”, “everybody loves pretty, everybody loves cool..”–I was a junior in high school at this time, and I had experienced bullying and people talking behind my back constantly as well as some cyberbullying. It was not great. The theatre really helped me. My mom surprised me, in 2013, with tickets to night 1 of the Red tour in DC! I went by myself, but I got a text 15 minutes into being in my section from my mom that said “do you see the big Red sign?” …aka this:

…which was not lit (hehe…LIT) at the time my mom texted me. She ended up hearing from a friend that had extra box seats so she called up 2 other friends from work and they joined her in a completely different section from me in the Verizon Center! I just think it’s so funny!! This ended up being more meaningful than I’d thought because this show was the day before Mothers Day. The “surprise” B stage song was Never Grow Up, a song my mom and I adore. From the entrance to the light up drums to the music box to confetti galore, this was another night i’ll never forget. 

My mom and I circa 1999. I love that photo, and, to me, I hear Never Grow Up AND The Best Day playing when I look at it.

I forgot to say another thing when talking about all your tours: I am obsessed with musical theatre, and something you never fail to include on tours is a theatrical feel. It’s always so beautifully done, with quirky “Stage direction” type things and costumes…thank you for that.

By this time…I’ve graduated high school and decided on a school in the midwest…the windy city itself, CHICAGO. Loyola University Chicago, in fact!

It is summer 2014, and I have had a tumblr for some time, mostly filled with photos of bunnies, you-related things/edits, SNL, Harry Potter, and puns. (The basics, you know…not much has changed!)

There have been videos by this time of elevator buttons and secrets about a LIVESTREAM. So, in the car with my mom on the way to move into my dorm (we stopped at Notre Dame on the way because it’s a LONG drive from where I live and most of my family has attended ND! I also worked at Notre Dame this past summer!) I was using a bunch of data to stream your livestream…and? 1989 is coming! I played Shake it Off a LOT on that car ride once I downloaded it. It was so cool because I tried to brush off the bullying I faced in high school and something you said about 1989 was this: “This is a story about coming into your own, and as a result…coming alive.” The album with that message brought me into my freshman year of college, a year filled with many ups and downs. I thank you for being there for me.

Summer 2015, I had the great honor of going to night 1 (JULY 13, yes 13…!!!) of the 1989 Tour in DC, this time at Nationals Park-outside, which was VERY exciting for me, with my godmother! Lorde was the surprise guest, and I am now happy to say I am seeing Lorde live in concert March 2018! The 1989concert was spectacular, it was clear you were taking charge of doing what YOU want and sticking to your genuine, full heart 24/7. I can’t thank you enough for the memories you’ve given me.

I love everyone on here, on tumblr, even though I do not know any of them–in real life. I hope to meet all of you guys, you’re hilarious on here, and I may not post as often as many of you, but I send you all love always.

Now, I am a senior in college. That is WEIRD AF. I turn 21 this Christmas, (I’m a Christmas baby!) I graduate in May, and after that I don’t have plans. I need to get a job, I know that, but uncertainty is AT AN ALL TIME HIGH right now.

reputation is coming out during my SENIOR year of college, a time with SO much uncertainty...definitely more uncertainty than freshman year. I cannot wait to be empowered and enlightened by this album and I can’t help but thank you for this new album and more encouragement to be myself, my best self.

reputation comes out in less than 1 month, and I cannot wait. From what I know so far, and what I know about your “Take no shit and spread so much love no matter what as a strong independent woman” attitude is that I will love this album FOR. SURE. I love you endlessly. I really, really, really hope to meet you someday, and I hope you know that you mean so much to me. Thank you for being a friend to me, even when all I needed was a high note, a funny post, a cat photo, photos of you with fans that make my heart burst, and the hope that someday I’ll meet you. I can’t wait for that day.

Thank you for your heart.

I love you so much, Tay.

Love,

Isabelle

@taylorswift

#taylor swift #PLZ REBLOG #reputation #red #1989 #fearless #speak now

[christinaengela]

I’ve been writing stories basically since I could hold a wax crayon, and as any writer might tell you, any book they’ve created holds a special place of its own in their heart! It’s no less true for me in the case of “Blachart” in that respect because of how that book is a milestone for me! Why? Well, because it was my first completed and published novel, and also because it’s the first of my books to be released as an audiobook!

You may wonder how I wrote “Blachart”, how it got to be what it is now, what the journey was like – and how long it took! To do that, I’ll have to take you back to the beginning!

It all started in 1986 – 34 years ago! I was 12 years old and in my first year of high school – a budding writer who occasionally caught the spotlight in English class for essay and composition writing! That was when I started working on the foundations of what would become “Blachart”.

Back then, however, the story was called “The Red Star” and it featured the some of the same characters (under different names) and the story plot was somewhat different – and if you’ve read “Blachart” and were handed a copy of “The Red Star” circa 1986, you would find it… well, unrecognizable!

In 1987 I’d rewritten the same story into another notebook under the title “Galaxy 1”, sowing the seeds of what was to later become the first title in the Galaxii Series. By 1988, the basic plot had evolved into the more familiar story of a starship Captain (then Mykl Nikolls, not the more familiar Mykl d’Angelo) being rescued from his broken down ship – and the introduction of the formidable Corsairs… and a character then called Black Heart. By 1989 I already had a good idea of the broader story the series would take – beginning with a back-story called “Galaxy” which would set the scene for the later books. “Galaxy” became “Galaxii” in 1990, and “Blachart would follow on to “Galaxii” in the series… except that the newer prequel presented me with considerable difficulties at the time.

“Galaxii” – the story that would set the foundation for the rest of the series, and be the book from which the series took its name – was a problem child. It went through numerous redrafts and complete rewrites before eventually being published – only in 2020! When published, it was under the title “Best Served Cold” – and as a standalone novel, not part of the actual series!

“Blachart” meanwhile, in 1990 was far closer to completion in draft form, and continued to receive the bulk of my writing attention. By the time I finished high school in 1991, I had a rough idea where I wanted the story to lead. But life was hectic, and tended to get in the way – in January 1992 I was conscripted into the SA Army and had a hell of a lot on my plate with gender dysphoria. My life generally took me into places I did not wish to go. My writing at the time was rather spotty, confined mostly to completing short stories and working up to mastering longer writing pieces. During this time, I delivered short stories like “The Devils In The Sky” (1993) and “A Really Bad Day In The Life Of Lance Corporal Thomas O’Blivion” (1995).

Eventually, in February 1998 I finished the last handwritten draft of “Blachart”! …And then it lay fallow for some time longer, while a lot of other things unfolded in my personal life, in terms of gender identity, self-discovery, and career. In 1999 I embarked on my transition – and entered a world both terrifying and amazing all at once!

Then when things had settled down somewhat, in 2003, I finally typed and edited that draft on a PC, and launched into the modern way of writing novels! I found it far easier and faster to type and edit on a PC than doing rewrites of my books by hand as I’d always done previously! This change set me off on revising all my other pieces as I copy-typed them into Word on PC’s at work! Later I finally obtained a useable PC at home, and that accounts for my rapid progress and increase in production of reading material – which I’ve been told is somewhat prolific!

Anyway, back in 2005, after years of struggling to find a publisher to take on any of my writing, I chanced upon that wonder (and bane) of our time – the internet – and tripped over the concept of self-publishing! In the same year, I self-published the eBook in its original most basic form on Lulu.com. Over the next few years, I ran several updates in content improvements and covers. In the meantime, I’d also published several of its sequels (“Demonspawn”, “Black Sunrise”, “The Time Saving Agency” and “Space Sux!” which were then all part of the Galaxii series).

Very probably the first cover, 2005.

Another cover for Blachart, 2005.

New series cover, 2007.

In July 2014 I was picked up by a ‘traditional publisher’, a small press. “Blachart” was the first of my books they re-released with a new cover created by one of their staff. The content went through a two-stage editing process, and by the time it was released in late 2014, “Blachart” was around 49,600 words long!

In 2015, “Demonspawn” (book 2 in the series) was re-released by the publisher. With another 5 or 6 books still waiting to be re-released, the publisher dragged their feet to the point where it appeared they were going to release just one book a year! In the meantime I’d had to take the self-published versions all down from all the places they’d been available on the internet, and I wasn’t making any money off them at all!

Fortunately that state of affairs didn’t last very long – due to an identity crisis at the publisher which came to a head in mid 2016 when they booted out all writers of what they called “not pure horror” – I found myself without a publisher again! Instead of feeling distraught, I was overjoyed, and leapt back into indie publishing again – with gusto!

For the remainder of 2016, I worked on putting all my completed books back up on indie platforms again, and then also on completing some unfinished projects. It took a while for me to find my indie feet again, and “Blachart” and its siblings went through several cover redesigns in the process, including a change from print size of pocket book to 6×9.

Both my parents were also writers – unpublished for the most part – and during 2018 I finished editing and publishing of most of my parent’s works. Then I took a look at the channels through which my books have been distributed – and decided that I should also place my titles at Smashwords to gain access to their distribution network also. I later also added EBooks2go to that distribution chain. Every bit of knowledge and trick of the trade I learned, I also applied retroactively to all my books – including “Blachart”.

During 2018 – while I was at it (the most dangerous words known to humanity) as the old saying goes, I spotted a couple of editing errors left over from my “traditional” publishing days, and set off to check the whole manuscript for more!

This sparked off another complete edit – and then I added a little bit here, and a little bit there… and before I realized it, a drastic complete rewrite was underway! (Insert pained groan here).

I evaluated each sentence. I added a stack of more material… back-stories and extras that would enrich and enhance the overall experience of what I had envisioned as the Galaxii Series! Two weeks later, at over 84000 words, the Fifth Edition of “Blachart” was born!

To complete the metamorphosis, I designed a fantastic new cover which would also form the basis of a template for the entire Galaxii Series, and which I also modified for my other series, Quantum and Panic!

It was somewhere around July 2019, that I became friends with Brandon Mullins of Moon Books Publishing – I’d just submitted a short story I wrote regarding the topical “Storm Area 51” event in Nevada for September, which MBP was going to release in good time for the event. A little later, it became evident that we were going to be collaborating more in future! In light of this, I was the Editor for a sci-fi short story anthology “Christina Engela’s Strangely Compelling SciFi” (Dec 2019) and still have a few upcoming jobs to do for MBP.

Brandon wanted to help me distribute my books further, and so around October 2019 I took down all the print versions of my books on Lulu and handed them to MBP for distribution through Amazon. I subsequently decided to leave Lulu and to do the same for the eBook versions as well, although I’ll still be handling eBooks on other platforms.

One of the many ways Brandon has been of immense help to me is in making my books available as audiobooks! Although a number of my short stories had been included in anthologies I’d contributed to when they were turned into audiobooks, this was the very first time a whole novel of mine had been released as an audiobook – and it was amazing to hear it!

In this respect, “Blachart” is the first – and the journey really got interesting at that point! It started with finding a narrator – and Brandon had to put up with my perfectionism and pickiness! Poor guy! *wink* At any rate, after reviewing a few audition clips in February 2020, Brandon sent me one that grabbed my attention – by the throat!

The audition in question came from one Nigel Peever – a BBC and London stage actor who also has a formidable reputation in narrating eBooks! To be blunt, I was definitely blown away – Nigel gave us not just one, but two options – with or without sound effects and dramatization!

Mr. Peever is an extraordinary narrator – not only reading the text with emotional expression, but he also included sound effects in the final mix – so the story sounds rather a lot like an old-style radio play, but all read by one person doing different voices and accents! I think it sounds absolutely amazing! Nigel was also kind enough to design the cover for the audiobook as you see it below – and so he’s also a graphic designer as well!

After much consultation and backing-and-forthing and wondering how we could afford this, Brandon came through for me and did me a real solid! Nigel would record “Blachart” with full dramatization and sound effects!

Due to Nigel having previous commitments to complete, recording of “Blachart” was due to start in April 2020, and the finished production was sent to ACX/Audible at the start of June.

On July 09, 2020 – due to delays resulting from the COVID-19 pandemic, “Blachart” was finally released as an audiobook! When I first heard it, the result was fantastic! As a writer, I’d often imagined the sort of voice I’d like to have my stories heard in – that is, inside the reader’s heads… and what a voice! What talent – what characterization! What interpretation! That said, I can’t quite put into words just how marvelous it is to hear my work, words that I wrote, being not just read aloud in front of a microphone – but interpreted… lived… with depth of emotion and wonderfully appropriate feeling and thought!

People do a lot of things for payment, it’s true – and between us, we all stand to profit from our involvement with “Blachart” – but as the creator of the story I feel a swell of gratitude and appreciation towards both Brandon and Nigel for making the audiobook what it is – and for giving my words a voice.

Nigel meanwhile, is busy recording book 2 in the series – “Demonspawn“, and I can’t wait to hear it!

The final release of “Blachart” is 10 hours 26 minutes long, and I’m sure you will enjoy it as much as I have!

Until next time, keep reading!

Cheers! 🙂

If you would like to know more about Christina Engela and her writing, please feel free to browse her website.

If you’d like to send Christina Engela a question about her life as a writer or transactivist, please send an email to [email protected] or use the Contact form.

Show your appreciation for Christina’s work!

All material copyright © Christina Engela, 2020.

“Blachart” – A Writing Journey I've been writing stories basically since I could hold a wax crayon, and as any writer might tell you, any book they've created holds a special place of its own in their heart!

#audiobooks #blachart #ebook #print #The Galaxii Series

[vroenis]

Circa 2009 - 2019

Lede with a picture, righto...

In true style, that’s going to deter the lot, but gotta stay on brand.

To have this discussion, we’re going to need a list. A musical timeline of sorts with the exception of four key events;

2002 Balance 003 (compiled and mixed by Bill Hamel) 2008 Jóhann Jóhannsson, Fordlandia 2009 Telefon Tel Aviv,  Immolate Yourself 22nd January - Charles Cooper dies Tosca, No Hassle Hildur Guðnadóttir, Without Sinking

2010 Jóhann Jóhannsson,  And In The Endless Pause There Came The Sound Of Bees 2011 Bon Iver, self titled 2012 Bat For Lashes, The Haunted Man 2013 13th January - Kentucky Route Zero Act I is first released Andrew Bayer, If It Were You, We'd Never Leave Darkside, Psychic The Haxan Cloak, Excavation 2014 Siavash Amini, Til Human Voices Wake Us 2015 Björk, Vulnicura Siavash Amini, Subsiding Jóhann Jóhannsson, Sicario (original soundtrack)

2016 The 1975, I Like It When You Sleep, For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It 2017 Björk, Utopia Siavash Amini, TAR 2018 9th February - Jóhann Jóhannsson dies 29th June - Bill Hamel dies Andrew Bayer, In My Last Life The 1975, A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships Siavash Amini, FORAS Skee Mask, Compro 2019 Siavash Amini, SERUS Apparat, LP5 Telefon Tel Aviv, Dreams Are Not Enough

While I’ve added a precursor of two albums to give context to two of the events that happen in the timeline, it is effectively book-ended by the two most recent albums from Telefon Tel Aviv. These albums form a frame in which so many things have happened - in my life, and seemingly in the lives of others. Some clearly in the events so evident and unavoidable, painfully so and still lingering in the minds and emotions of those they directly affect and us in the periphery who only have the most faintest of contact yet still seem to perceive ourselves significantly touched. By this I mean the death of Charles Cooper - if I feel devastated, having only ever been had an impression of his character via the channel of his art, there isn’t a universe in which I can possibly imagine what Joshua Eustis’ daily experience is, so I can’t and won’t speak to it.

And I guess that’s where the story begins.

In 2009 my best friend who remains so to this day plays me Immolate Yourself for the first time - bearing in mind they and I are slightly different people, probably me more-so than they. Our tastes in music have always been fairly broad. We’ve never been haters of pop-music at all, they’ve always embraced pop more than I but I’ve always appreciated pop. In by brief stint industry-side when I was professionally working, I did form an appreciation for the labour, but in general I still maintain a high appreciation for the craft. In any industry there will always be a valuable critique of culture and bad culture exists everywhere. We must always work to protect the vulnerable at all times, no excuses, and erode imbalances of power.

Back to 2009. The album blows us both away and I’m fairly confident in speaking for us both, changes us forever. We both have immense music libraries having purchased music constantly from young ages, but no matter what we cycle through or have in rotation, Immolate Yourself has always been evergreen. Not to say it’s in daily rotation constantly - it’s not exactly that kind of album. It’s highly emotionally charged and a demanding listen, and sometimes I am listening to it once a day for a given period, but it certainly is highly mood-dependent - more-so than some of the other music in my collection which is completely fine in that not all art has to be hitting at that level.

I remember our conversations about Charles, how shattered we were, our conversations about suicide, mental health - please be aware that at the time, it was rumoured Charles Cooper’s death was due to suicide but later several reports ruled that it wasn’t. That’s that. The purpose of bringing it up is to give context to R and my discussions. Some years prior I had my own mental health diagnosis clarified and had seen some improvements on and off with my personal management, but the rigours of life still presented challenges significant enough to cause extreme frustration, anger and anxiety. I’d say these days, in the year of our Synth Lordz 2020, I’m doing much better and on better medication management and that would still be true.

I don’t go looking for articles or interviews with Joshua Eustis about what his life has been life at all or how things are for him now. I do follow him on twitter and we’ve had a few great, unrelated exchanges. When I bought and had my first listen-through of Dreams Are Not Enough last year, I told him I wanted to delete the rest of my music collection which of-course is hyperbole and he knows that, but as I’ve mentioned elsewhere (this almost always means Instagram), I always want to have these extreme responses to art. It doesn’t have to be all the time, but it has to be at regular intervals, even if they’re separated by long periods of time. Art is so important to me. Sometimes I joke - love you don’t have to work to receive,  but art takes labour. Maybe I’m not joking (typical artist wank :P )

Apparat (Sascha Ring) was one of those artists I never bought back in 2009 but he was always in the playlists, always at the festivals. Maybe he did remixes? Or his music was being remixed. I dug his stuff, it was pretty cool, but back then he was probably in the periphery for me. He, like many for me, faded into the background. Because I follow Joshua/Telefon on Twitter, I randomly see a retweet or an exchange between him and Apparat, probably about software or plugins etc., and think far-out, Apparat’s still around... and he released an album in March (2019). I’m going to go have a bit of a listen and if it’s good HOLY SHIT...

To help me characterise what I hear when I listen to LP5, I’ve included a very important album from Tosca, interestingly released at the beginning of our bookend; No Hassle. I don’t really know what the zeitgeist is on this album, but my completely uninformed instinct is to say it’s not popular. For me, tho, No Hassle is absolutely divine. It’s an astonishing listen because it’s in some ways *unexciting* - it’s a severely sober listen. There’s next to no energy in it at all, even when Richard and Rupert dare to tilt into a major key, they’re still listlessly meandering along as if they got up too late or are still sitting in an old sofa or are just happy enough to be strolling and the conversation is good enough at a moderate level before we head back down as the sun sets and the night swallows everything up. It’s an album I listen to almost exclusively in the car during night drives, or in either my house or in hotels, airports, any other environment but always when it’s dark. Cheesily I call these works “Midnight Albums”, and I tend to characterise them as serious listening, when I’m feeling meditative, pensive, neutral, dead-sticking, however you may wish to describe the sensation.

LP5 is along very similar veins for me and it strikes me as extremely interesting. Sascha didn’t exactly disappear for 10 years, his wiki page lists two other albums in 2011 and 2013 respectively as well as other collaborations and work, but to me, just the sound of this album strikes me as particularly unique to being distinct from the years gone by. That sounds like a redundant statement - that might be true of everything altho with art I often don’t think that’s the case at all, but when I first heard LP5, I thought Sascha - shit’s happened to you. I don’t know what it is, but then I figure...

Shit’s happened to us all.

Anyone well inducted into the Anjunabeats cult (lol it’s a joke, you can laugh - I’m a fellow cultist) of trance will be familiar with Andrew Bayer. A good thing the Anjuna label seems to be doing and more of of late, is funnelling some of their phat stacks of cash to their talent so they can actually record full albums if they wish, a venture which I’m sure isn’t profitable for them in any way unless they go on tour, contingent of-course on the material being shoppable. I’m sure that makes Spencer Brown a darling - not having a go at him, I love both his albums to death, they’re amazing, but I genuinely don’t think there’s any pressure on the artist to produce tourable music. I feel Andrew has the latitude to do whatever he wants, and he works at the shoppable remixes because it’s fun for him and they have a wonderful community of talent in constant contact with one another so the opportunities are there.

In 2013, Andrew Bayer releases his album which upon hearing I instantly buy. It’s a pretty neat departure from all things trance - it’s beaty, synthy, broken samples and pushing at ambient at times. Then I get to the amazing last track titled “Closing Act”. This is 100% without question inspired by and styled after the music of Jóhann Jóhannsson.

On the 9th of February, 2018, Jóhann Jóhannsson dies.

I’ve just come back from stepping away from this writing for about two hours. I appreciate people interact with art, artists, performers and people of varying level of exposure (read: celebrities) in different ways so let’s just bypass any discussion of how other people behave. It’s fine. As for me, I try to maintain what I believe to be a healthy sense of distance from people of cultural note. They’re still people; human beings, and I don’t know them. Actors and musicians had died before, artists I’d “grown up with”, admired etc., but Jóhann‘s death struck me with force. It still haunts me.

Why?

I don’t know him. I never knew him. For all I know, he may have been an arsehole to everyone around him. I had to and still interrogate my emotional response and I very much do it with the greatest of intent. Is it stupendously capitalist? Am I so entrenched in my lust for his music? His product? That is literally all I can say I know of him; what he produced - what he gave, what he offered. Is it because I want more? No - not really. There are artists still alive who have chosen not to offer more and I have no problem accepting this. There are artists who have more to offer and aren’t able to due to the economics of power and the power of economics and I’m certainly angry about that while they’re alive. I grieved for Jóhann. I was so upset. I shut myself in my studio and cried.

In some way, regardless of not knowing anything at all about the circumstances of his death, I felt that we had all failed.

Knowing even in the smallest element that mental health was a contributing factor to his life and death leads me to make assumptions about the kind of world he may have existed in, what his experience may have been. Regardless of whatever differences there might be between his experiences, now finite, and my own, I still believe there is justification to draw parallels. Not because he’s semi-famous, but because we are both humans, and that it is known he struggled with mental health. It is as much about known, documented and shared stories of services, medications and social experiences as it is about everything that is unspoken that all people with mental health concerns know. We may not know to what degree we might have commonalities, but the one thing we may have in common is that there are so many things we cannot share - speak, or expose, and there are things at times we feel we must not expose in order to survive. It is at this point I must emphasise that health professionals will always dispense such advise as “You’re never alone/you never have to carry burdens alone” etcetera etcetera and I value the intention in such actions. I’m here to appreciate the goodwill behind such advice, but purely by nature of existence, we are each of us alone - this is not an emotional fact, this is simply reality. You cannot inhabit our bodies and minds and live our lives for us - nor can you overcome our physiological concerns internally on our behalf. You can offer us medications but it is still we who have to bear the process of evaluating whether we can endure the experience of synthesising them. 

Professionals need to always respect that fact and never forget it.

This is key when I interrogate my emotional response and reaction to Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s death. I don’t know what treatments he may have been receiving but I also don’t know what his life experience was, because treatment in and of itself is less than one half of the equation, perhaps not even a third. The total texture of a human’s experience is woven from so many fibres; and one of them is the cultural response of the people surrounding them, from the immediate individuals to generalised language in use within earshot to advertising unwillingly overheard to adopted via accepted use over time to idioms adopted when people have literally no idea what words mean and what they can mean and how they can directly affect others.

Am I blaming this nebulous spectre of Society? Of-course not. Am I wanting to focus a microscope on the microcosm of communities within this idea of Society or induce guilt on individuals? Also no. But there is still a sensation of endemic guilt and carelessness that we do not make better attempts, perhaps not even to approach a comprehensive understanding of mental health, but at least to triage some of the casual damage we do by being completely careless with it with poor cultural practice. It’s such a difficult thing to speak to because the terms are at one moment so specific and yet the next so generalised. What are we to do? How can we improve when it’s no-one’s fault and yet everyone’s fault? How can we be effective if we want to discard useless, terrible and outdated ideas like blame and backwards accountability and yet we haven’t even begun to understand how the shape of our behaviour is having such devastating effects?

The cost is literally human life.

The interrogation goes further. Why only Jóhann? Why don’t I mourn every death? At the risk of diverting to whataboutism, it’s still worth asking, because it’s clear I valued his life because of his art, and it can’t be avoided that I list Bill Hamel for the same reason. Balance 003 is for me the best collection of minimal trance in history and there has never been another since, the genre has evolved and as yet has not been revisited. Bill himself joined with some friends to work on some more upbeat and detailed music but then himself died in June of 2018, but I wasn’t to find out for months and again, was shattered. I didn’t know Bill either but there were more anecdotal accounts of his personality available online, and they certainly were glowing and positive, and that’s how I think of him - fondly, regardless of not knowing him.

Later in 2018 Andrew Bayer released his next album. It’s a collection of vocal pieces, and the final song is titled End Of All Things. Eerily but welcomed, many of its musical stylings begin to resemble Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s, and Alison May lends her voice to lyrics that include the following;

Roll down the aisle You were bold to go first With a fist to the earth

I don’t like to quote a lot of lyrics, and you can look the rest of them up if you want, but if you do, like me, you might interpret the song to be about death. I don’t know if Andrew Bayer wrote this for Jóhann Jóhannsson, or only for him or at all. He probably wrote it for someone else entirely, probably someone he actually personally knew. Maybe he just wrote it about death in general. It doesn’t matter because for me it was the first catalyst in musical form for processing Jóhann Jóhannsson‘s death in some dimension. It wouldn’t be until much later, when Justin/Telefon Tel Aviv retweeted Siavash Amini that I’d find art as powerful as  Jóhann's and Andrew’s and of-course Justin’s own, but each artist is their own texture and I listen to them all in different ways when in different moods.

2019 - Dreams Are Not Enough

There is so much more writing I can do with this short list of albums. I’m at 2800+ words and I’ve barely scratched the surface. That first, dull image at the top of the piece is the directory structure of my music collection, replicated on the hard-drive that goes into my car and on my personal music player - I don’t use my phone for music. While I do listen to music from every directory over time, of late I’m gravitating more and more to two main folders; Ultimate and Survival, and almost all of the music from the list in this piece comes from those two directories with only one or two exceptions.

I’m a bit miffed I didn’t get to write about The 1975, there’s some great stuff to be said about their work and I’ve written about them before, but I have so much more to say, especially culminating with Love It If We Made It as a generational, cultural proclamation. We’re on the verge of the new album tho (time of writing is 29th February 2020) so who knows, maybe I’ll get the opportunity to be topical with that but knowing me, I’ll still bury it behind a wall of text but that will be for the better, I’m sure.

I need to close on Dreams Are Not Enough, tho, and also Kentucky Route Zero. I think I’ve mentioned it before - completing Kentucky Route Zero was the catalyst for me to start writing again, and it’s there in the timeline that the first act released in January of 2013. Last tumblr entry, I briefly touched on being in a holding pattern until KRZ was completed by its developer, Cardboard Computer, and since completing it, I’ve gone off socials which means I’ve greatly diminished my activity on social media and returned to long-format writing. This entry and the last on tumblr are very much evidence of that. Way back in 2013 when I first completed that first act, Kentucky Route Zero was one of those seminal experiences I felt was made just for me. After years of playing all sorts of traditional video games, I’d grown tired of their play dynamics in many senses. I still liked traditional games, and in some ways still do now, but I will always hunger for boundaries to be pushed, for greater things to be said, for things to be said and done in conjunction and in parallel; in layers and simultaneously; artfully, with complexity and subtlety, or with simplicity but with great humanity and maturity. I remember watching Serial Experiments: Lain, the first episode and feeling like it was made just for me, and then that feeling being amplified a million times over with Haibane Renmei and Texhnolyze. There are reasons these works are so rare and so unpopular. Again - I’ll reaffirm I still love a lot of pop and there’s nothing wrong with generalised and widely celebrated art at all, a lot of it’s cool. But when you find something so unique that speaks so much to your experience in a way that’s powerful to the point of dialect...

That is what Kentucky Route Zero and Porpentine’s Howling Dogs are to me.

That’s what these albums are to me, and Telefon Tel Aviv’s albums somehow have book-ended this period in my life. Each album captures a facet of turbulence, of emotion, probably a little bit of joy, or chaos and a healthy dose of hedonism too, but I have other music for that and I tend not to talk about it much. I’m sure joy and euphoria can be complicated for others and that’s cool, but it’s not something I feel drawn to discuss.

All of this art, this Art Worth Dying For, seems to be the only thing I can engage with at the moment, in the wake of completing Kentucky Route Zero. I have shooty shooty games sitting on the Playstation that I once did really enjoy and probably will again, I don’t know. But right now I can’t bear the thought of booting them up. I think about some of the films I was keen to see some months ago and right now they look like noise, indistinct, boring to the point of textureless, falvourless null-space. I don’t mean to insult these works in any way at all, I’m not trying to diminish their value by saying by comparison to KRZ, they’re bad. Not at all. I don’t seem to be able to process them. The closest thing I can describe is the kind of mood disorders, dysthymia being one of them, doctors used to try and diagnose me with before they knew I was bipolar; a literal chemical barrier that’s preventing me from comprehending and interpreting the data I’m being presented with. I’ve lost hold of the cultural frame I’m supposed to have to understand how to place these objects in reference to my sense of entertainment and engagement.

So instead I come here and talk to myself with barely an objective in mind, other than to perhaps share my thoughts with you. And some music that I’m hoping you’ll buy. I know I’m a pain in the arse for that, and I know buying music is an immensely privileged thing to be able to do - I get it. You don’t have to buy everything right away, but if you want me to make a case for it, let me know and I will, I’ll even make a case for small steps i.e., even when you can’t afford much and how to spend a really tiny amount. Otherwise proceed as normal and click onto the next visual diary, nothing to see here.

#chrono #2020 #music #Jóhann Jóhannsson #Bill Hamel #Telefon Tel Aviv #Apparat #Andrew Bayer #Kentucky Route Zero #mental health #psychiatry #language #art worth living for #art worth dying for #Dreams Are Not Enough #writing about music

[confessionsofatwentysomethin]

Guess who’s back, back again.

It’s me, your favorite 20 something, one year later from what I can only surmise as a shit show from what I just read because I thought it would be a great idea to recap myself on what you all must think of me.

I cried a lot reading the posts I didn’t remember writing because I was out of my mind curling up at the bottom of whatever bottle I’d come across that day; I cried, even more, reading the posts I did remember because all of that pain and melancholy still exists like boulders in the luggage of my runaway heart.

There have been too many boys, friends, men, bottles, smiles, drugs, laughs, cries, midnight vomit sessions, breaths of fresh air, happy days, and days I didn’t think I’d recover from to count. Honestly, 2018 was the happiest and saddest year I have lived this far. I’m sure as we chat a little more, details will begin to reval themselves and stories will come up. These are just the important ones I don’t want to half ass.

I want to start this post with a small message to Janurary 2018 Angela:

I know you’re really butthurt about Nathaniel but WE (I) FUCKED HIS HOT COUSIN NICK AND HE WILL NEVER FIND OUT BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO HURT HIM LIKE THAT OR DEAL WITH THE REPERCUSSIONS BUT IF WE EVER DID TELL HIM IT WOULD SHATTER HIM AND HIS FRAGILE EGO. So forget that dude, Nick was a fucking 14/10 and you fucking nailed that REPEATEDLY and Nathaniel still sucks even to this day so get over it you big, beautiful fucking queen.

Anyway, back to raw, emotional, reflective Angela (our regularly scheduled programming):

New years 2018 has become an iconic day in my life and the lives of every person in my once close-knit group of high school friends. Ryan’s girlfriend Monika slept with Ryan’s best friends Matt and Mason, and all three boys were some of my closest friends for years. 

Sure, it’s a huge joke amongst those of us who still strain relationships through the wreckage that night and the nights leading up to it caused, that everyone got to see everyone topless and I made out with Jordan and Ashley like it was some innate thing that I’d always wanted to do (because we literally all made eye contact and just started making out, zero prompting from anyone... I totally admit that it’s the only moment where I genuinely questioned my sexuality lmao). However, no number of boobs of old friends is ever going to make me forget the way two of my friends betrayed Ryan.

Nevermind the fact the Monika gave birth to a beautiful baby boy a few months ago. Don’t worry, we all did the math, it’s not Matt or Mason’s... but the lack of loyalty on that girl does not suggest he is genetically Ryan’s, which isn’t stopping him from being with her, which makes pretty much all of us dead to him. Can we blame him? I don’t, not even one bit. I can’t imagine the feeling Ryan must have carried for months, the betrayal. I’m not saying I understand why he stayed with her and shut every single one of us out, but I also don’t think it’s unreasonable that he did. I have, and always will wish him the best; I hope his son grows up loved, happy, and healthy, and that Monika can grow up for his sake.

With that being said, I really do think that day was the last nail in the coffin for this page. I was so overwhelmed with processing the entire thing and how exactly I fit into it, that I really do think I had to turn my mind off for a long time to survive it in a healthy way. I lost faith and respect for two boys that I had watched grow into men that I loved and respected like the older brothers I had prayed for years to have. I would never be able to look at them the same way, and it made me feel selfish for making it about me that I just didn’t, not even to myself. 

I did not speak to anybody in that group for about 10 months before I responded to one of the many invitations to come together with what was left of the group, which was Lucas and his girlfriend Little Taylor, and that only lasted a little while until New Years 2019 when they got into an immature fight like they always do, and I couldn’t help myself; I called them out on it, and now I guess we aren’t speaking. New years 2019 was the first time I had seen Matt and Mason, it was as if nothing had changed, and like always, they made jokes about what upsets them: Ryan being gone, Ryan being a Dad, our group is in pieces and we don’t talk about it unless it’s a low blow to someone who isn’t even around to stand up for themselves.

I had an alright time. I had gone with my friend Tim from Bdubs Dekalb circa 2015 to his sisters wedding, and missed the stroke of midnight, which was okay because I was perfectly comfortable spending the first two minutes alone in my car. We got drunk, nostalgic, and silly, just how I wanted to remember them. I really do love every single one of them for surviving all of the teenage recklessness we stirred up together, but part of growing up was realizing that not all of your friends are friends who can be trusted with anything but drunken jokes and stupid nights. I love them for being drunk and stupid, and I am okay with just that.

2018... what a fucking year. I Don’t even think I remember all of it. From the looks of my posts, it might not be because I naturally have a horrible memory, Rumplemintz definitely had something to do with it.

2018 was that year I loved Cirissa and Chris, the couple who gave me hope and faith in a love that slowly matures but never grows old... until I realized that they had too many problems for me to start analyzing the way they were. Chronic alcoholism, a marriage that was a mix of co-dependence, lack of confidence to get anybody else, and fear of being alone sprinkled on top of a genuine love that was the root of my admiration. Every night we were together, we were the three best friends that anybody could have, our soundtrack was every Disney song we could get our hands on; we got off work, and my tongue always tasted like peppermint schnapps, and they would let me hit the button on the slot machine they chose that evening.

It was a fast, hard, deep, loving friendship for a year, and I wouldn’t trade that time for anything in the world. I have never for one second doubted that Cirissa truly did love me like a sister, and sometimes like a mom, and she did everything she could to make me feel that love as deeply as this heart could let me. There isn’t enough time in the world to go through how grateful I am for the emo sing alongs, drunken heart to hearts, and hugs that really did hold me together when I was falling apart.

Chris truly is one of the greatest men I have ever known, and I know he loved me like the really cool tomboy sister he never had. So many heavy metal nights and pep talks about how amazing I am, and how much better I deserve, and I am literally sobbing like an idiot because I miss the support and friendship that these two gave me so dearly.

The truth is, as much as I cherish them and all the crazy shit we did, it wasn’t healthy at all. I cannot blame anybody but myself for all of the liquor that I let take a shot at filling up my emptiness, but they were the cheerleaders that helped me believe that one day my demons would drown.

I know well enough now that there’s never going to be a moment where my vices beat my pain or complexities, and that mentality has tried to thrive in the little wasted snowglobe we created for the three best friends and died every single damn time.

There is no way in hell that Christian Boyajian will ever fit into words on a computer screen or a book or even an encyclopedia. Not because he is the greatest thing that ever happened to me; not because he is particularly special; not because I’ll never forget him or get over him or stop loving him.

Christian was simply someone who came into my life, and changed it forever, He changed me in ways that I had always written about but had no idea how heavy the words I was saying actually were.

June 2017 or somewhere in there, we had met on POF and bonded over Batman and how we both grew up so close to each other. I remember feeling like he was funny, smart, worldly, and clever. He’s in the Navy, and we lost touch because I’ve been a fuckboy for years, and he deployed before we got close enough for me to ever imagine signing up to be a navy girlfriend.

Fast forward to March 2018, we reconnected on POF. I was wasted at coach house with my friends, and it was like no time had passed.

He was living in San Diego, I was back in Illinois still, and we facetimed every night for a month before I decided to fly out to meet him. He told me he loved me before I even got on the plane. I knew it was fast, but I was so sick of being drunk and numb that I let myself feel whatever I wanted. I did know that I wanted to say I loved him to his face, like I always have with anyone.

I didn’t even write love poems about him, just fragments that still litter the notepad on my phone, because I knew it would be over faster than I could write it down and I wanted to soak up every single fucking second of being loved because I genuinely didn’t know if I would ever get the chance again.

Standing in front of him for the first 24 hours, I was on top of the world. I was loved. I was worshipped. I was unbreakable. But after that euphoria gave way to reality, the conversations about me moving to California didn’t seem as exciting to him. He started petty fights and didn’t look at me like his world was in my eyes anymore.

The worst part of finally getting to feel all of the beautiful things that I wrote about being in a love I knew nothing about before him, was having to feel all of the soul crushing things that I wrote about after I thought I had failed at love, except this time it was so real that it really did break me into a million tiny pieces.

I literally watched him lose interest infront of me without the barrier of a screen to make it feel a little less human. He stopped holding my hand in the car, made heart-breaking attempts to pretend he still wanted to keep all of his promises, and tried to break up with me at a Portillos. I, of course, didn’t let that happen because nobody gets dumped at Portillos. I will be fucking damned if you try to ruin the world’s best goddamn beef sandwich for me, fucking asshole. 

I loved him so fucking much that when he called me after a week of the silent treatment, all I could say was “you promised me. You fucking promised me, Christian. You won, you got me, that actually hurts” and he was so cold and disassociated that I knew that he had. I had finally felt something and it went from being so beautiful and reckless and amazing to an earth shattering sound I can never reproduce clawing its way out of my throat and dragging me to my fucking knees in my garage. I had poured so much of myself into him that I didn’t even have the strength to get off the concrete for 15 minutes. I just laid there and cried when we hung up because I had been so stoic during the call. I remember he had said “Goodnight, Angela.” and I replied coldly with “Goodbye, Christian”.because I wanted to rob him of the opportunity to feel like he would be missed, like all of this meant anything, just like he had robbed me.

Christian was everything I projected onto all of those boys before about how I craved to be loved, and everything I had projected on those goodbyes before him that I fabricated to write gut-wrenching poetry.

The only hard part of that was actually feeling it, and I finally understand that I cannot ever write things because they sound good because someday I will have to feel them and I have to be incredibly careful what I wish for.

I found out in October 2019 that he had gotten into a relationship 2 weeks after we broke up, and all the pain I had tried to pickle in vodka took a new breath of life, and it took me months to build peace with it again.

I didn’t even speak to a boy romantically for six months after that, which actually occurred a week ago... so there’s that for a timeline. We’ll get to present day soon, I swear.

Taylor, my beloved person, my forever friend, is gone. Not dead, just fucking gone. Christian and I had broken up in the beginning of July, she had gone through all that with me, gotten into a relationship with a guy named Ben who laughed like a goose and constantly saddled her with his alcohol issues (totally not judging because I have my own issues with alcohol but she didn’t and I wanted to protect her the best I could because I loved her so so much) (that ‘d’ was really hard to put after love, I guess it’s still raw). September came around, time for my birthday. I wasn’t particularly excited this year because if the depression and alcoholism and crippling loneliness, but she was determined to revive my normal birthday over-enthusiasm. So, she did, and when it came time... she couldn’t seem to follow through. 

She’s a beautiful writer, but I think every writer is guilty at some point in their life of having more beautiful words than beautiful actions, and this was hers.

An extravagant birthday dripping in mimosas and mani pedis before a night of dressing to the nines and going out on the town somehow got stripped down to Walmart face masks and painting each other’s nails at home for the weekend I had requested off work an entire month in advance... and I had to tell her that I could do that on a normal day, but not my birthday weekend. 

She got her wisdom teeth out just days before, and tried to tell me it wasn’t an appointment scheduled months in advance. I told her I was driving to Nashville for my birthday, and we could do a DIY spa day upon my return, but it really hurt me that she couldn’t be bothered to follow through with her promises, even if they weren’t as big in real life as they were in my inbox. She knew it was a dark time for me, and she put forth so little effort to build me back up the way I have always worked so hard to give her a big beautiful life full of laughter and stupid jokes and amazing memories.

We have spoken once since I sent that text. It was an accidental 2am FaceTime butt dial where she immediately hung up and said “sorry I left my phone open in my pocket”. I didn’t respond, and I lost my best friend because I told her that she hurt me, and the best way to deal with that is not to deal with it at all, I suppose.

Treasure and I reunited shortly after this, but not too shortly because I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need a “person” or a best friend or anyone because it had been such a horrible year for depending on others that I truly never wanted to do it ever again.

I got all of the best parts of Treasure back, the jokes, the stories, the laughing in unison, making everyone else in the room uncomfortable because the only ones that mattered to either of us was US. We were stupid but mentally sparred regularly, and kept eachother sharp on political, social, and emotional topics, and really worked to support and better eachother. In my time away from her, I grew my own voice, opinion, and sense of direction. This new characteristics allowed our friendship to flourish, and still is. She is still with DeAndre, and loves his son very much. I met him once, he”s smart and amazing and loves me. Her life is so filled with love, and I could see that she had found her corner of the universe. I was so happy to have her back in this new and healthy way, that it almost made it impossible to leave her.

Oh, here’s the kicker: I picked up my life and moved again, but this time? I moved to Seattle.

This is day 22 that I am wrapping up, 

and that’s exactly why I’m back, bitches.

#Triggerwarning bitchimback confessionsofatwentysomething Seattle Travel newstart Newlife Whodis Recap dontcallitacomeback

[italianaradio]

Russell Crowe: 10 cose che non sai sull’attore

Nuovo post su italianaradio https://www.italianaradio.it/index.php/russell-crowe-10-cose-che-non-sai-sullattore/

Russell Crowe: 10 cose che non sai sull’attore

Russell Crowe: 10 cose che non sai sull’attore

Russell Crowe: 10 cose che non sai sull’attore

Russell Crowe è uno degli attori più apprezzi, e anche controversi di Hollywood, in grado di saper conquistare il pubblico con le sue tante diverse interpretazioni. L’attore ha sempre lavorato sodo per costruirsi una carriera solida, sapendo scegliere i propri ruoli con cura e senza delurere mai i suoi fan. Ecco, allora, dieci cose da sapere su Russell Crowe.

Russell Crowe film

1. Russel Crowe: i film e la carriera. La carriera dell’attore neozelandese inizia del 1972, quando appare nella serie Spyforce, per poi lavorare in Dottori agli antipodi (1977), Neighbours (1987) e Living with the Law (1988). Crowe debutta al cinema nel 1990 con Giuramento di sangue, e prosegue la propria carriera sul grande schermo con The Crossing (1990), Pronti a morire (1995), L.A. Confidential (1997), Il gladiatore (2000) e A Beautiful Mind (2001). In seguito, lavora in Master & Commander – Sfida ai confini del mare (2003), Un’ottima annata – A Good Year (2006), Robin Hood (2010) e The Next Three Days (2010). Tra i suoi ultimi film vi sono Les Misérables (2012), L’uomo d’acciaio (2013), Noah (2014), The Water Diviner (2014), Padri e figlie (2015), The Nice Guys (2016), La mummia (2017) e Boy Erased – Vite cancellate (2018).

2. È anche produttore e regista. Nel corso della sua carriera, l’attore ha avuto modo di sperimentare diversi ambiti cinematografici, tanto da vestire i panni del regista per il documentario Texas (2002), i corti 60 Odd Hours in Italy (2002), Danielle Spencer: Wish I’d Been Here (2009), Remedy (2014) e il film The Water Diviner. Inoltre, l’attore è anche produttore: infatti, ha lavorato alla realizzazione dei film Texas, Robin Hood, Padri e figlie e della serie tv Damage Control (2010).

Russell Crowe: Robin Hood

3. Avrebbe dovuto interpretare due personaggi. Per il film Robin Hood, Crowe era destinato, in origine, ad interpretare due ruoli, ovvero il protagonista e lo sceriffo di Nottingham. Tuttavia, in seguito, l’idea è stata scartata.

4. Avrebbe dovuto avere i capelli lunghi. Originariamente, l’attore decise di farsi crescere i capelli per il ruolo da protagonista in Robin Hood. Ha indossato delle parrucche in Nessuna verità (2008) e State of Play (2009) per nascondere la chioma ormai lunga. Tuttavia, poco prima che iniziassero le riprese, decise di tagliarli corti.

Russell Crowe moglie

5. Si è sposato una volta. La sua relazione più lunga è compatibile con il matrimonio tra lui e l’attrice Danielle Spencer. La loro relazione è iniziata nel 1989, quando entrambi avevano condiviso il set australiano del film The Crossing, per poi lasciarsi all’inizio del 1990. Dopo diversi anni, i due si sono ritrovati nel 2001 e si sono fidanzati ufficialmente l’anno successivo. Dopo essersi sposati il 7 aprile del 2003, aver avuto i figli Charles Spencer Crowe, nato il 21 dicembre 2003, e Tennyson Spencer Crowe, nato il 7 luglio 2007, i due si sono separati nell’ottobre 2012. Anche se c’era aria di possibile riconciliazione, la coppia ha ottenuto ufficialmente il divorzio il 9 aprile 2018.

6. Ha avuto alcune fidanzate famose. Prima di sposarsi, l’attore neozelandese ha frequentato diverse donne, tra cui molte attrici. Tra flirt veri o presunti, si citano Meg Ryan, con cui si sarebbe frequentato per due anni a partire dal 1999, Nicole Kidman, Dita Von Teese e Sophia Forrest. Dalla separazione, pare che nel 2016 si sia frequentato con Terri Irwin: ad oggi sembra che l’attore sia impegnato, ma non è chiaro con chi.

Russell Crowe: Il gladiatore

7. Si è fatto male sul set. Durante le riprese del film, l’attore ha subito diversi infortuni. Tra gli altri, ha perso la sensazione all’indice destro per due anni dopo i conflitti con la spada, ha aggravato l’infortunio ad un tendine d’Achille, ha rotto un osso del piede, ha incrinato un’anca e gli sono dovuti andare a riprendere alcuni tendini del bicipite.

8. Ha dovuto perdere diverso peso. L’attore ha iniziato a girare Il gladiatore dopo aver terminato le riprese di Insider – Dietro la verità (1999). Per questo film aveva preso circa 18 chili e, per girare il film di Ridley Scott, li ha dovuti perdere tutti. Sul suo lavoro fisico, Crowe ha sempre ammesso di non aver fatto nulla di speciale se non aver svolto del lavoro nella sua fattoria australiana.

9. Non gli piaceva la sceneggiatura. Pare che fosse molto infelice della sceneggiatura, tanto da riscrivere da sé diversi passaggi per adattarsi ai suoi scopi. Spesso se ne andava dal set se non prendeva la strada che diceva lui. Basti pensare che, quando doveva recitare la frase “E avrò la mia vendetta, in questa vita o nella prossima”, è arrivato addirittura a dire allo sceneggiatore William Nicholson, “Le tue battute sono spazzatura, ma io sono il più grande attore al mondo e riesco anche a rendere bene i rifiuti”.

Russell Crowe: età e altezza

10. Russel Crowe è nato il 7 aprile del 1964 a Wellington, in Nuova Zelanda, e la sua altezza complessiva corrisponde a 182 centimetri.

Fonti: IMDb, Daily Mail, heightline

Cinefilos.it – Da chi il cinema lo ama.

Russell Crowe: 10 cose che non sai sull’attore

Russell Crowe è uno degli attori più apprezzi, e anche controversi di Hollywood, in grado di saper conquistare il pubblico con le sue tante diverse interpretazioni. L’attore ha sempre lavorato sodo per costruirsi una carriera solida, sapendo scegliere i propri ruoli con cura e senza delurere mai i suoi fan. Ecco, allora, dieci cose da […]

Cinefilos.it – Da chi il cinema lo ama.

Mara Siviero

#News da web

[samuelfields]

Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management

At any given time, every investor must always decide three things:

1) How to invest their new cash flow

2) How to invest their existing cash

3) How to reposition their existing investments if at all

As long as enough money is coming in to cover your expenses, life is fairly good. As our cash hoard grows, there’s also less financial stress because you can more easily cover unanticipated emergencies like a furlough.

In general, having 6 – 12 months of living expenses in cash or cash equivalents is good enough for the average person to sleep soundly.

There might come a point, however, when you will have excess cash. Perhaps you were undisciplined in your monthly dollar cost averaging strategy or maybe you got a bigger windfall than anticipated.

Whatever the case may be, your financial anxiety will be replaced with the fear of missing out on potentially bigger gains in risk assets like stocks and real estate. Given your peers are all getting rich, you will want to follow suit.

If enough greed kicks in, you will end up taking on more risk than you can comfortably withstand, and sometimes bad things will happen. Your financial stress returns once again. Hence, one benefit of following Financial SEER.

No matter how much money you have or how much you make, you will always have to work on managing your financial stress. After all, the more money you have, the more you have to lose! When you are broke, you’ve only got upside.

Money is mental. Psychology is why during market sell-offs, there will be headlines about stocks re-testing Great Depression lows. And during bull runs, there will be headlines about how the sky is the limit and you just can’t lose.

I didn’t do much right financially in 2018 except for continuing to aggressively save. But I did make one move with my existing savings that helped reduce financial stress. 

Managing Stress Through Savings

Back in early 2018, I was getting nervous about the stock market. We’d seen an almost 10% pullback in February that jolted me awake. Ever since I left my day job in 2012, I’d been regularly plowing the majority of my cash flow into the stock market and San Francisco real estate market.

After all, my #1 goal is to earn enough passive income so neither my wife or I have to go back to work. With the likelihood of private school expenses coming up in 2022, we have a goal of earning at least $250,000 a year in passive income to stay jobless.

When the correction hit in February 2018, I realized my risk exposure was too high for my comfort. As a result, I slowly started reducing my stock allocation from 70% to 52% as stocks recovered into the summer.

But when you reduce your stock exposure during a rising market, you begin to question your decision because you start getting greedy. You start imagining whether you’re missing out on more gains by being too conservative. I was tempted to take on more risk again.

But when I got an e-mail from CIT Bank that they had raised their money market rate to 1.85% and their 12-month CD rate to 2.25%, I beat back my greed. Just a year earlier, money market rates averaged well below 1%. I still remember only receiving a 0.1% money market rate circa 2015.

1.85% for a money market rate and 2.25% for a 12-month CD rate seemed pretty good. As a result, I decided to lock in a 2.25% guaranteed return for 12 months on July 16, 2018, instead of investing the money in the S&P 500 or the forever tempting FAANG stocks, which I was already heavily overweight, given I live in San Francisco.

As soon as I bought the 12-month CD, I felt a sense of relief. I remember thinking to myself, “Ah hah! Nobody can take away my money now!” I felt my stress melt away as I could now focus on more enjoyable things in life.

Although I’m only earning about ~$190 a month in interest income, it feels wonderful to know my money is secure. Because I generate excess cash flow every month, I constantly have to figure out where to invest the money in order to at least keep up with inflation.

Locking up money in long-term private investments or illiquid investments like real estate enables me to stop worrying so much about how to reinvest my cash flow. 

Stay Financially Disciplined

As an investor, you must not only come up with some reasonable earnings and valuation forecasts, you must also take action based on your forecasts.

My analysis said that 2,800 on the S&P 500 was close to fully valued. We were almost back to the peak seen in January and I told myself if we got past 2,800, I would dial down risk, and that’s what I did in July.

The S&P 500 continued to rise until September when it reached 2,929 as the bull market raged on.

Was I fighting the urge to chase the momentum? Of course. But I still had 52% of my public investment portfolio in stocks, so I was still benefitting, although not to the fullest.

It was also important for me to remain disciplined and look at my overall risk exposure and net worth. I never want to have more than 30% of my net worth in equities. However, I was bumping around that upper limit due to the reinvestment of part of my house sale proceeds in equities.

If I had invested $100,000 in the S&P 500 on July 16, 2018, it would have been worth roughly $104,600 by September 30, 2018. But on December 17, 2018, it would have declined in value to just $86,000.

At the end of the year, the $100,000 would have rebounded to $90,600, but still down a hefty 9.4% since July 16, 2018.

Meanwhile, since opening the 12-month CD, it has thus far earned $1,038 in interest for a return of 1.038%. In other words, the difference between this 2.25% CD and the S&P 500 was roughly 10.438%, or $10,438 from July through Dec 21, 2018. Not bad.

Therefore, the next time you scoff at a money market or CD account rate, don’t. Not only can a money market or CD account drastically outperform risk assets, but they also have the added benefit of giving you incredible peace of mind during a downturn.

All I was thinking during the 4Q2018 meltdown was why I didn’t put more money into a CD or money market account. If I had invested my entire House Sale Fund, it would have earned $3,750 a month, or $45,000 a year with absolutely zero stress.

During 4Q2018, there were many mornings where I’d naturally awaken by 4am because my mind couldn’t rest knowing that another meltdown might possibly be right around the corner. That wasn’t very healthy and a sign that I still had to much at risk.

Time To Lock In Another Win

After such a long bull run, my goal all year is to use ~70% of my cash flow to lock in wins and use the remaining 30% of my cash flow to invest in risk assets when opportunities arise.

I’m excited I recently got another message from CIT Bank saying they have raised their Savings Builder account rate to 2.45% from 1.85%. That’s right. Their money market account, not their CD account, is paying 2.45%. No 12-month lockup is required.

2.45% is solid because it is almost as high as the 10-year treasury bond yield currently 2.65%. But with the 10-year treasury bond, you’ve got to hold it for 10 years to guarantee yourself a 2.65% annual return. During this time, you might lose or gain principal.

Earning 2.45% isn’t going to make you rich. But earning 2.45% is better than earning a negative 6.4% in the S&P 500 in 2018 (-4.8% with dividends).

There’s a good chance we could see a 10%+ rebound in the S&P 500 in 2019. But I also wouldn’t be surprised one bit if the S&P 500 declined by 10% in 2019 either.

The higher money market rate is a blessing because I’m cashed up looking for a nicer house this year. Given I don’t know when I’ll find the next house, it’s nice to have the flexibility of withdrawing my cash at any time, while also earning a high interest rate.

Take advantage of the Federal Reserve’s rate hikes.

I’m sure there are plenty of other banks, especially online banks, that are now providing higher rates this year. You’ve just got to ask around. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your wealth after making so much since 2009.

As for my financial stress this year, it’s way down from 4Q2018 because not only is my cash earning a much higher return, the stock market has rebounded by over 11% since December 24, 2018. Just like that, it’s back to good times and I plan to keep it that way.

My overall public investment portfolio is up a modest 4% for the year and I’m seriously considering locking in gains and reinvesting all the proceeds in a 2.45% savings account to end the year up a guaranteed~6.3%.

To feel no investment stress for the rest of the year would be amazing!

After all, my theme for 2019 is: live the good life. All I want is restful sleep every night so I have the energy to happily spend time with my family and write.

Doubling my net worth every 14 years with a modest 5% annual growth target is good enough for me.

Related: How Much Savings You Should Have Accumulated By Age

Readers, are you taking advantage of higher savings rates? What type of money decisions did you make in 2018 that saved you from the stock market meltdown? What type of money decisions will you make this year to ensure you grow your wealth?

The post Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Finance https://www.financialsamurai.com/building-savings-war-chest-is-about-stress-management/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[mcjoelcain]

Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management

At any given time, every investor must always decide three things:

1) How to invest their new cash flow

2) How to invest their existing cash

3) How to reposition their existing investments if at all

As long as enough money is coming in to cover your expenses, life is fairly good. As our cash hoard grows, there’s also less financial stress because you can more easily cover unanticipated emergencies like a furlough.

In general, having 6 – 12 months of living expenses in cash or cash equivalents is good enough for the average person to sleep soundly.

There might come a point, however, when you will have excess cash. Perhaps you were undisciplined in your monthly dollar cost averaging strategy or maybe you got a bigger windfall than anticipated.

Whatever the case may be, your financial anxiety will be replaced with the fear of missing out on potentially bigger gains in risk assets like stocks and real estate. Given your peers are all getting rich, you will want to follow suit.

If enough greed kicks in, you will end up taking on more risk than you can comfortably withstand, and sometimes bad things will happen. Your financial stress returns once again. Hence, one benefit of following Financial SEER.

No matter how much money you have or how much you make, you will always have to work on managing your financial stress. After all, the more money you have, the more you have to lose! When you are broke, you’ve only got upside.

Money is mental. Psychology is why during market sell-offs, there will be headlines about stocks re-testing Great Depression lows. And during bull runs, there will be headlines about how the sky is the limit and you just can’t lose.

I didn’t do much right financially in 2018 except for continuing to aggressively save. But I did make one move with my existing savings that helped reduce financial stress. 

Managing Stress Through Savings

Back in early 2018, I was getting nervous about the stock market. We’d seen an almost 10% pullback in February that jolted me awake. Ever since I left my day job in 2012, I’d been regularly plowing the majority of my cash flow into the stock market and San Francisco real estate market.

After all, my #1 goal is to earn enough passive income so neither my wife or I have to go back to work. With the likelihood of private school expenses coming up in 2022, we have a goal of earning at least $250,000 a year in passive income to stay jobless.

When the correction hit in February 2018, I realized my risk exposure was too high for my comfort. As a result, I slowly started reducing my stock allocation from 70% to 52% as stocks recovered into the summer.

But when you reduce your stock exposure during a rising market, you begin to question your decision because you start getting greedy. You start imagining whether you’re missing out on more gains by being too conservative. I was tempted to take on more risk again.

But when I got an e-mail from CIT Bank that they had raised their money market rate to 1.85% and their 12-month CD rate to 2.25%, I beat back my greed. Just a year earlier, money market rates averaged well below 1%. I still remember only receiving a 0.1% money market rate circa 2015.

1.85% for a money market rate and 2.25% for a 12-month CD rate seemed pretty good. As a result, I decided to lock in a 2.25% guaranteed return for 12 months on July 16, 2018, instead of investing the money in the S&P 500 or the forever tempting FAANG stocks, which I was already heavily overweight, given I live in San Francisco.

As soon as I bought the 12-month CD, I felt a sense of relief. I remember thinking to myself, “Ah hah! Nobody can take away my money now!” I felt my stress melt away as I could now focus on more enjoyable things in life.

Although I’m only earning about ~$190 a month in interest income, it feels wonderful to know my money is secure. Because I generate excess cash flow every month, I constantly have to figure out where to invest the money in order to at least keep up with inflation.

Locking up money in long-term private investments or illiquid investments like real estate enables me to stop worrying so much about how to reinvest my cash flow. 

Stay Financially Disciplined

As an investor, you must not only come up with some reasonable earnings and valuation forecasts, you must also take action based on your forecasts.

My analysis said that 2,800 on the S&P 500 was close to fully valued. We were almost back to the peak seen in January and I told myself if we got past 2,800, I would dial down risk, and that’s what I did in July.

The S&P 500 continued to rise until September when it reached 2,929 as the bull market raged on.

Was I fighting the urge to chase the momentum? Of course. But I still had 52% of my public investment portfolio in stocks, so I was still benefitting, although not to the fullest.

It was also important for me to remain disciplined and look at my overall risk exposure and net worth. I never want to have more than 30% of my net worth in equities. However, I was bumping around that upper limit due to the reinvestment of part of my house sale proceeds in equities.

If I had invested $100,000 in the S&P 500 on July 16, 2018, it would have been worth roughly $104,600 by September 30, 2018. But on December 17, 2018, it would have declined in value to just $86,000.

At the end of the year, the $100,000 would have rebounded to $90,600, but still down a hefty 9.4% since July 16, 2018.

Meanwhile, since opening the 12-month CD, it has thus far earned $1,038 in interest for a return of 1.038%. In other words, the difference between this 2.25% CD and the S&P 500 was roughly 10.438%, or $10,438 from July through Dec 21, 2018. Not bad.

Therefore, the next time you scoff at a money market or CD account rate, don’t. Not only can a money market or CD account drastically outperform risk assets, but they also have the added benefit of giving you incredible peace of mind during a downturn.

All I was thinking during the 4Q2018 meltdown was why I didn’t put more money into a CD or money market account. If I had invested my entire House Sale Fund, it would have earned $3,750 a month, or $45,000 a year with absolutely zero stress.

During 4Q2018, there were many mornings where I’d naturally awaken by 4am because my mind couldn’t rest knowing that another meltdown might possibly be right around the corner. That wasn’t very healthy and a sign that I still had to much at risk.

Time To Lock In Another Win

After such a long bull run, my goal all year is to use ~70% of my cash flow to lock in wins and use the remaining 30% of my cash flow to invest in risk assets when opportunities arise.

I’m excited I recently got another message from CIT Bank saying they have raised their Savings Builder account rate to 2.45% from 1.85%. That’s right. Their money market account, not their CD account, is paying 2.45%. No 12-month lockup is required.

2.45% is solid because it is almost as high as the 10-year treasury bond yield currently 2.65%. But with the 10-year treasury bond, you’ve got to hold it for 10 years to guarantee yourself a 2.65% annual return. During this time, you might lose or gain principal.

Earning 2.45% isn’t going to make you rich. But earning 2.45% is better than earning a negative 6.4% in the S&P 500 in 2018 (-4.8% with dividends).

There’s a good chance we could see a 10%+ rebound in the S&P 500 in 2019. But I also wouldn’t be surprised one bit if the S&P 500 declined by 10% in 2019 either.

The higher money market rate is a blessing because I’m cashed up looking for a nicer house this year. Given I don’t know when I’ll find the next house, it’s nice to have the flexibility of withdrawing my cash at any time, while also earning a high interest rate.

Take advantage of the Federal Reserve’s rate hikes.

I’m sure there are plenty of other banks, especially online banks, that are now providing higher rates this year. You’ve just got to ask around. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your wealth after making so much since 2009.

As for my financial stress this year, it’s way down from 4Q2018 because not only is my cash earning a much higher return, the stock market has rebounded by over 11% since December 24, 2018. Just like that, it’s back to good times and I plan to keep it that way.

My overall public investment portfolio is up a modest 4% for the year and I’m seriously considering locking in gains and reinvesting all the proceeds in a 2.45% savings account to end the year up a guaranteed~6.3%.

To feel no investment stress for the rest of the year would be amazing!

After all, my theme for 2019 is: live the good life. All I want is restful sleep every night so I have the energy to happily spend time with my family and write.

Doubling my net worth every 14 years with a modest 5% annual growth target is good enough for me.

Related: How Much Savings You Should Have Accumulated By Age

Readers, are you taking advantage of higher savings rates? What type of money decisions did you make in 2018 that saved you from the stock market meltdown? What type of money decisions will you make this year to ensure you grow your wealth?

The post Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from Money https://www.financialsamurai.com/building-savings-war-chest-is-about-stress-management/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

[ronaldmrashid]

Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management

At any given time, every investor must always decide three things:

1) How to invest their new cash flow

2) How to invest their existing cash

3) How to reposition their existing investments if at all

As long as enough money is coming in to cover your expenses, life is fairly good. As our cash hoard grows, there’s also less financial stress because you can more easily cover unanticipated emergencies like a furlough.

In general, having 6 – 12 months of living expenses in cash or cash equivalents is good enough for the average person to sleep soundly.

There might come a point, however, when you will have excess cash. Perhaps you were undisciplined in your monthly dollar cost averaging strategy or maybe you got a bigger windfall than anticipated.

Whatever the case may be, your financial anxiety will be replaced with the fear of missing out on potentially bigger gains in risk assets like stocks and real estate. Given your peers are all getting rich, you will want to follow suit.

If enough greed kicks in, you will end up taking on more risk than you can comfortably withstand, and sometimes bad things will happen. Your financial stress returns once again. Hence, one benefit of following Financial SEER.

No matter how much money you have or how much you make, you will always have to work on managing your financial stress. After all, the more money you have, the more you have to lose! When you are broke, you’ve only got upside.

Money is mental. Psychology is why during market sell-offs, there will be headlines about stocks re-testing Great Depression lows. And during bull runs, there will be headlines about how the sky is the limit and you just can’t lose.

I didn’t do much right financially in 2018 except for continuing to aggressively save. But I did make one move with my existing savings that helped reduce financial stress. 

Managing Stress Through Savings

Back in early 2018, I was getting nervous about the stock market. We’d seen an almost 10% pullback in February that jolted me awake. Ever since I left my day job in 2012, I’d been regularly plowing the majority of my cash flow into the stock market and San Francisco real estate market.

After all, my #1 goal is to earn enough passive income so neither my wife or I have to go back to work. With the likelihood of private school expenses coming up in 2022, we have a goal of earning at least $250,000 a year in passive income to stay jobless.

When the correction hit in February 2018, I realized my risk exposure was too high for my comfort. As a result, I slowly started reducing my stock allocation from 70% to 52% as stocks recovered into the summer.

But when you reduce your stock exposure during a rising market, you begin to question your decision because you start getting greedy. You start imagining whether you’re missing out on more gains by being too conservative. I was tempted to take on more risk again.

But when I got an e-mail from CIT Bank that they had raised their money market rate to 1.85% and their 12-month CD rate to 2.25%, I beat back my greed. Just a year earlier, money market rates averaged well below 1%. I still remember only receiving a 0.1% money market rate circa 2015.

1.85% for a money market rate and 2.25% for a 12-month CD rate seemed pretty good. As a result, I decided to lock in a 2.25% guaranteed return for 12 months on July 16, 2018, instead of investing the money in the S&P 500 or the forever tempting FAANG stocks, which I was already heavily overweight, given I live in San Francisco.

As soon as I bought the 12-month CD, I felt a sense of relief. I remember thinking to myself, “Ah hah! Nobody can take away my money now!” I felt my stress melt away as I could now focus on more enjoyable things in life.

Although I’m only earning about ~$190 a month in interest income, it feels wonderful to know my money is secure. Because I generate excess cash flow every month, I constantly have to figure out where to invest the money in order to at least keep up with inflation.

Locking up money in long-term private investments or illiquid investments like real estate enables me to stop worrying so much about how to reinvest my cash flow. 

Stay Financially Disciplined

As an investor, you must not only come up with some reasonable earnings and valuation forecasts, you must also take action based on your forecasts.

My analysis said that 2,800 on the S&P 500 was close to fully valued. We were almost back to the peak seen in January and I told myself if we got past 2,800, I would dial down risk, and that’s what I did in July.

The S&P 500 continued to rise until September when it reached 2,929 as the bull market raged on.

Was I fighting the urge to chase the momentum? Of course. But I still had 52% of my public investment portfolio in stocks, so I was still benefitting, although not to the fullest.

It was also important for me to remain disciplined and look at my overall risk exposure and net worth. I never want to have more than 30% of my net worth in equities. However, I was bumping around that upper limit due to the reinvestment of part of my house sale proceeds in equities.

If I had invested $100,000 in the S&P 500 on July 16, 2018, it would have been worth roughly $104,600 by September 30, 2018. But on December 17, 2018, it would have declined in value to just $86,000.

At the end of the year, the $100,000 would have rebounded to $90,600, but still down a hefty 9.4% since July 16, 2018.

Meanwhile, since opening the 12-month CD, it has thus far earned $1,038 in interest for a return of 1.038%. In other words, the difference between this 2.25% CD and the S&P 500 was roughly 10.438%, or $10,438 from July through Dec 21, 2018. Not bad.

Therefore, the next time you scoff at a money market or CD account rate, don’t. Not only can a money market or CD account drastically outperform risk assets, but they also have the added benefit of giving you incredible peace of mind during a downturn.

All I was thinking during the 4Q2018 meltdown was why I didn’t put more money into a CD or money market account. If I had invested my entire House Sale Fund, it would have earned $3,750 a month, or $45,000 a year with absolutely zero stress.

During 4Q2018, there were many mornings where I’d naturally awaken by 4am because my mind couldn’t rest knowing that another meltdown might possibly be right around the corner. That wasn’t very healthy and a sign that I still had to much at risk.

Time To Lock In Another Win

After such a long bull run, my goal all year is to use ~70% of my cash flow to lock in wins and use the remaining 30% of my cash flow to invest in risk assets when opportunities arise.

I’m excited I recently got another message from CIT Bank saying they have raised their Savings Builder account rate to 2.45% from 1.85%. That’s right. Their money market account, not their CD account, is paying 2.45%. No 12-month lockup is required.

2.45% is solid because it is almost as high as the 10-year treasury bond yield currently 2.65%. But with the 10-year treasury bond, you’ve got to hold it for 10 years to guarantee yourself a 2.65% annual return. During this time, you might lose or gain principal.

Earning 2.45% isn’t going to make you rich. But earning 2.45% is better than earning a negative 6.4% in the S&P 500 in 2018 (-4.8% with dividends).

There’s a good chance we could see a 10%+ rebound in the S&P 500 in 2019. But I also wouldn’t be surprised one bit if the S&P 500 declined by 10% in 2019 either.

The higher money market rate is a blessing because I’m cashed up looking for a nicer house this year. Given I don’t know when I’ll find the next house, it’s nice to have the flexibility of withdrawing my cash at any time, while also earning a high interest rate.

Take advantage of the Federal Reserve’s rate hikes.

I’m sure there are plenty of other banks, especially online banks, that are now providing higher rates this year. You’ve just got to ask around. There’s nothing wrong with protecting your wealth after making so much since 2009.

As for my financial stress this year, it’s way down from 4Q2018 because not only is my cash earning a much higher return, the stock market has rebounded by over 11% since December 24, 2018. Just like that, it’s back to good times and I plan to keep it that way.

My overall public investment portfolio is up a modest 4% for the year and I’m seriously considering locking in gains and reinvesting all the proceeds in a 2.45% savings account to end the year up a guaranteed~6.3%.

To feel no investment stress for the rest of the year would be amazing!

After all, my theme for 2019 is: live the good life. All I want is restful sleep every night so I have the energy to happily spend time with my family and write.

Doubling my net worth every 14 years with a modest 5% annual growth target is good enough for me.

Related: How Much Savings You Should Have Accumulated By Age

Readers, are you taking advantage of higher savings rates? What type of money decisions did you make in 2018 that saved you from the stock market meltdown? What type of money decisions will you make this year to ensure you grow your wealth?

The post Cash Management Is Really All About Stress Management appeared first on Financial Samurai.

from https://www.financialsamurai.com/building-savings-war-chest-is-about-stress-management/

#Financial Samurai

[theconservativebrief]

Welcome to Vox’s weekly book link roundup, a curated selection of the internet’s best writing on books and related subjects. Here’s the best the web has to offer for the week of July 29, 2018.

Of all the books I have reread to comfort myself, I have turned most often to Hardwick’s “Sleepless Nights,” not without a little bitter tang of irony because of its title. The book didn’t dovetail with my heart on the first reading, but the world has changed around me, and now I find myself hungering for its particularity, the steady voice of Elizabeth Hardwick a balm to my aching, vulnerable mind.

Being a midlist writer is the most tenuous position in publishing. Believe it or not, it’s not the first book that’s the most difficult to publish. When you’re trying to sell your first book, you have no track record, no sales figures. It’s all promise and hope. Down the road, after three, four, five books, everyone can see — via your downward sales and media trajectories — how short you’ve fallen of your promise, and it becomes harder and harder to get a publisher interested in your next project.

Freedom of expression is so fundamental to a writer that it can come as a shock to discover how many celebrated literary figures of the 20th century were drawn to fascism. The very notion that writers of the stature of Ezra Pound, Wyndham Lewis or Norwegian Nobel Prize-winner, Knut Hamsun, could openly condone a regime that publicly burned books, or tortured and killed people simply for expressing a view, is deeply perplexing. Yet T.S. Eliot is among those who have been charged with fascist leanings, while W.B. Yeats was a supporter of the Irish Blueshirts.

Talking to Vanderkam—best-selling author, empress of time—I suddenly felt smart, capable, and not like someone who would open Instagram on her web browser just because she’s too lazy to get her phone out.

“If you’ve written 800-word articles in a day,” Vanderkam assured me, “you’ve already written a book in six months anyway. You just have to do a little, then do a little bit more.”

When PW spoke with Romo, she disclosed that she had been wary of querying agents since firing Smith, as “they don’t respond anyway,” and that perhaps there simply wasn’t a market for her work. “I doubt I’ll ever be published,” she said.

In a subsequent email, however, she reported that she has since realized that since her work had never been sent to any editors, “I have nothing on which to base that impression.” She has since queried eight agents who had offered Smith’s former clients their sympathies and indicated that they were open to submissions from them—although Romo concedes that she still fears being fooled again.

“It’s scarier to query than it was three years ago,” she wrote. “But I’m determined to rise up and not berate myself for being duped. I have since felt vindicated for having the doubts that I had. I was right on, but had been told by the whole writing world to trust my agent. So I did. But if I don’t trust her—[I can’t] say anything critical or I’ll never get another agent. So I didn’t.”

At Wired, Angela Watercutter takes on the sneering smugness of that Goodreads update email that tells you all about how many books your more productive friends are reading:

Every few days or weeks, just when I started feeling positive about my biblio advancements, one of these messages would come across the transom: “Updates from…” Upon opening it, I’d find out that someone who I knew had a full-time job and active social life had finished two novels in the time it’d taken me to get through the jacket blurbs on David Sedaris’ latest essay collection. Deflation followed. Not only did I feel uninformed and slow, I felt somehow left out. I like talking about books, and thanks to Goodreads I had a constant reminder of all the great books I hadn’t read and all the conversations I couldn’t yet join. It was pure literary FOMO.

You’ll most likely find the jackets wrapped around fiction by women, but rarely are they expressly feminine—gone are the cartoon silhouettes or kicky cocktails. They’re usually pure maximalism, a corrective for the single green plant against a white-walled interior, which took over decor and fashion photography circa 2015, or millennial pink, which took over everything else.

Meanwhile, here’s a rundown of the week in books at Vox:

As always, you can keep up with Vox’s book coverage by visiting vox.com/books. Happy reading!

Original Source -> Bigfoot erotica is climbing the rankings on Amazon

via The Conservative Brief

#IFTTT #The Conservative Brief