Intro Post Is Here
I promised myself I would make an intro post with my fic list when I hit a followers milestone, and lo and behold, the time has come to make good on that promise.
(Breathe in. You got this, Dor. Ok, here we go.)
Welcome, friends. If you followed me sometime in the last year and a half, here’s a funny story for you: I used to write Witcher fics (a lot even, at one point) (and I pray I will write again, though at the moment brain be words what no speaky English). (But I digress.)
What you can find on my blog: shitposting, sarcasm, salt—and Ciri. A lot of Ciri. (Often tagged as: "brat <3". No reason.) Also, many Ciri pairings. We support most Ciri pairings in this house.
What you can find on my AO3: Also a lot of Ciri in different pairings, or sometimes in multiple pairings, as (a) I am a multishipper and (b) Ciri is bi and can do no wrong and (c) has two hands and a hatred for cages and also (d) poly/open relationships are the new love triangles and we need more of them, actually.
Specifically:
"Blood Ties" verse, aka Queen of Cintra verse (aka mammoth), or a 100k words novel in three parts about what happens if neither witchering nor ruling the empire (nor dying, I guess) fully satisfies our girl's ambitions. (Answer: let’s go and shake up the geopolitical landscape of the post-TW3 Continent, reclaim your throne, piss off Dijkstra in the process, make new allies and enemies both, grow and heal, get what you wanted, find indulgence, and also love. Ships aplenty, including some nobody else thought of. Just saying.)
"Broken Pieces" verse, or what happens if Cahir survives, but somewhat fails to move on (he tries), and Ciri fails to be indifferent (she also tries). (Answer: witchering shenanigans, but also some family reunions, Ceallach being a Smart Cookie, Geralt being the Daddest Dad, Ciri being a brat, but also right, but also needing a reality check and to get her head out of her ass. Spoiler alert: happy/bittersweet ending. It’s Witcher-verse, after all.)
"Splinters" verse, or what happens when the author develops a brainrot. (Answer: modern!AU with the main theme being: everyone is thirsty for Cahir/Eamon’s hands. Banter, pinning, thirst, smut, and more banter. Past that comes back to bite everyone in the ass, heartbreak, and a happy ending. Always a happy ending. And Angouleme being the Best Gremlin.)
“The Ghost of You”, or what happens when Ciri gets Ideas, and tries to use Cahir to get what she wants. (Formerly known as the Cancel WIP. Mind the tags with this one; set during LotL, unhealthy coping mechanisms aplenty, trauma and PTSD galore, leading to the first steps of healing. It’s always, always about healing with these two.)
“Sing To Me In The Dark”, or what happens if Cahir finds himself in Kaer Morhen to help defend it from the Hunt. (Answer: the author wants to know too. Although the author mostly knows, but brain no speaky English, see above.)
“Hunter’s Moon”, or what happened in Beauclair during the hansa stay there, from the point of view of a certain succubus. (Answer: a certain vampire attempting to be a smartass, not always succeeding; smut and banter, and more smut. Also, a heartbreak.)
If you like any of the above and tell me about it, chances are I’ll be making you a birthday gift the following year.
In the meantime, enjoy the shitposting, the salt, the sarcasm—and Ciri.
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A Lark Among the Wolves and Dragons Bonus Chapter: the Lark's Broken Wings
Okay, so as I've said I would, we have a bonus chapter to focus on the Lady of Larks and her trauma.
I'll admit I had to go to a pretty dark place to make this chapter a reality, it was not easy to write.
That being said, major content warning with mentions of PTSD and sexual assault and the trauma associated with that.
If this makes you uncomfortable, hang in there, I have more chapters planned for the main story line (plus a couple more bonus chapters).
Also I as a writer recognize that r*pe related trauma is not a universal experience, and it affects people in different and varying ways. If you have been through a similar experience, know you are not alone.
The following story also takes place during the Baptism of Fire story line more or less.
"No...no...please...stop...."
Your pleas in your sleep along with your thrashing about in your sleep bag stirred some in the group who made camp for the night.
Among those was Geralt who was quick to get on his feet and approach you. The witcher was followed by Jaskier who took a few seconds more to realize what was happening.
Zoltan Chivay and Cahir were a little slower to wake, Zoltan rubbing his eyes, "what is going on now?" he asks, "are we under attack again?"
"No," was Milva's answer as she approached with concern, "it's happening again."
"Go away....get away..." you continue as your nightmares of the Rogue Prince continue to haunt you.
"(y/n)?" Geralt places a hand on your shoulder and tries to shake it in an attempt to wake you. "(y/n)! You're having a nightmare! Wake up! (y/n)!"
"GET AWAY!" you scream, eyes wide as you bolt up from where you laid.
You broke out in cold sweat, panting hard like you had been running for your life. Considering what your nightmare consisted of, you might as well have.
"(y/n)-" Geralt tried to touch you again, but you slap his hand and back away from no one in particular, clearly still in panic mode and hyperventilating.
"He's coming, he's coming for me. He's coming for me, he's coming for me..."
"(y/n), you were having a nightmare," Jaskier tries to reason but you didn't listen, only screaming and crying in response.
"He's coming for me again."
Geralt and Jaskier only exchange concerned looks, completely at a loss of what to do.
"What do we do?" Jaskier whispers to the witcher.
"(y/n)," Geralt tries again in a soft voice, slowly approaching, staying at a certain distance to keep you from feeling like you were suffocating.
"He's not coming for you again, (y/n)."
You feel your breath return to normal, looking around to see Geralt kneeling in front of you. To his left you see Jaskier and to the right you see Milva and Regis and the others in the group staring at you.
It was just a nightmare, you realize.
You were not in King's Landing anymore. You were not being abused at the hands of Daemon Targaryen anymore...you didn't have Aemma in your arms anymore. You had escaped...but at the cost of losing your daughter in the process.
You felt the tears threaten to spill. You place your hand over your mouth to stop yourself from making any weeping sounds.
"(y/n)," you hear Geralt say, empathy conveyed in his tone.
You lean into Geralt, not caring about the scene you were probably causing before the company, "he took my daughter from me," you whisper as you sob incoherently into Geralt's shoulder, "My Aemma...my little girl."
"I know...I know," Geralt rubs your back for comfort, sadness filling inside him for you, and the anger for the man who did this to you rising.
You stayed in Geralt's arms for a bit, willing to stay there all night, maybe forever. But then you saw the rest of the groups staring at you with looks of confusion and pity.
You pull away.
"What are you all looking at?" you ask, sniffling and wiping your eyes, "it was just a nightmare."
"It seemed more than that," Milva points out. "Well it was," you insist, "I'm fine, really." "Are you certain?" Cahir questions. "Yes, what does it matter to you? Why is he even still here?" you exasperate, "I thought we kicked him out. Aren't still mad at him because of Ciri?"
"How about we don't change the subject?" Milva steps in. You lightly push her to the side, "I'm fine," you repeat, "I'm sorry I woke you all. I just want to go back to sleep."
You lay back on your sleep mat, turning around and curling your knees to your chest, trying to ignore the stares from everyone else in the camp.
You were not a victim, you say to yourself- the things that happened to you in King's Landing at the hands of...that man did not change you or damage you in any way.
All this, despite the fact this wasn't the first time those nightmares haunted your sleep, and it wasn't the first time said nightmares forced you to scream and wake up everyone around you.
After escaping the Lodge, you were reunited with Geralt and Jaskier, whom were just as relieved to see as the last time they saw you, you were at death's door and had disappeared seemingly in the middle of the night.
You explained to them what had actually happened, that Yennefer took you to a secret place to save you with the help of her fellow sorceresses.
At first Geralt had been furious that Yennefer would put you in the position you were in, and not trusting him enough to tell him her plan, but he was glad she did what needed to be done to save your life.
You had yet to disclose that the remedy that saved your life also came at the expense of your fertility.
After the reunion, you had been introduced to the others that were part of the company: the vampire Regis, a dwarf Zoltan, Cahir, and a dryad named Milva. All four of them were somewhat familiar with who you were as the Lady of Larks, but didn't know the extent of the events you had endured as of recent.
The company was heading South towards Nilfgaard with the hopes of rescuing Ciri from the hands of the Emperor. You wanted to go back to Westeros to rescue Aemma, but with no mage to open a portal back to that place, it would take an army to lay siege to King's Landing just to save your daughter.
It was a long shot, but maybe if you found a way to appeal to the Emperor's more empathetic nature, he might be able to help with that.
Again, you were not sure how that would work, but it was the only plan anyone had.
It was a long journey, and your bouts of panic attacks during the day, and the nightmares that followed weren't exactly helping the company, save for depriving them of a full night's sleep and slowing their trek when you needed to step away to calm yourself.
It was understandable they were all concerned, especially Geralt and Jaskier, but you still insisted you were alright, and this was temporary. It would all go away as soon as you got Aemma back, you convinced yourself to believe. Once she was back in your arms and away from her father, the nightmares would surely cease once and for all.
The following morning, the company departed at first light. You trailed behind for the majority of the trek, wanting to avoid eye contact with anyone in the group, and also with the hopes of avoiding answering any uncomfortable questions.
Geralt was leading the group; today, it looked like he was able to cover more ground at a faster pace then he did yesterday.
Since that day on Thanedd, when you were still in King's Landing, when that coup took place and Geralt suffered significant damage at the hands of the sorcerer Vilgefortz, the witcher has dealt with occasional bouts and flare ups that were associated with chronic pain.
While he could put up with it most days, Geralt also had bad days. Even when Regis was kind enough to create a medicated balm to ease the pain, the witcher would still have days when the pain was too much, and he would either need to take it slow, or stop the trek altogether.
You understood, and had no wish to push the man past what he was able to bare on those days. It was going to be a long journey anyway, what was a few extra days to stop and rest?
While you lagged behind, you found yourself lost in thought, thinking about your dream, specifically the part of the dream that wasn't a nightmare. When you heard Aemma crying in her room. You had walked in, seeing her in distress. You didn't know why, but you came to her side, picked her up in your arms, and sang her a soothing lullaby, which calmed her and had her falling asleep against your chest.
You thought about how that dreamed reminded you of when you would do similar things with Aemma back in Dragonstone and King's Landing, when she was the one thing that kept you going during those dark times. She was what kept you fighting to survive so you and her could escape that terrible place.
You escaped...and she was still behind.
You didn't want to think about how worried she was for you, not knowing where you were or if you were even coming back. Part of you had speculated the things her father was putting inside her head as of right now.
What lies was Daemon concocting right now to fill inside your daughter's head. That you died? That you abandoned her? That someone came and took you from her?
What if it was too late by the time you went back with the proper reinforcements? What if your daughter was so convinced by Daemon's lies, she would end up hating you?
You felt the tears build up, but you don't bother to stop them from spilling as no one in the front would see you crying.
Or so you were hoping.
Milva looked behind to see your silent tears. She lagged now to be by your side. "Are you thinking about last night?" the dryad inquires.
You shake your head and wipe your tears. "I wasn't thinking about last night," you assure. "Bullshit," Milva scoffs. "I don't want to talk about it," you huff.
"Suit yourself," Milva concedes. The two of you walk side by side in awkward silence for a few brief moments before she spoke again, a little more empathy in her voice this time around.
"I used to have nightmares too, you know." You say nothing, continuing to walk in silence. "Most of them were of my stepfather," the dryad continues, "The man he...well we didn't get along. Well I didn't get along with him, and he tried to get along with me a little too well. He would always unwanted advances towards me even though he was married to my mother. I was barely past adolescence around that time. Even after I stood up for myself and ran away after knocking him out with a rake, he still haunted me one way or another. I used to dream he was coming after me for revenge or something far worse."
You turn your head to make eye contact with Milva.
You didn't know too much about her, save for what little she has disclosed to the company so far; before becoming part of the dryads of Brokelin Forest, Milva was part of a family of hunters in Upper Sodden. Her father taught her everything she knew about the trade, and it was something she maintained well, having made her first kill when she was only 11. You knew her mother had remarried after her father died, and she ran away soon after, but this was the first time you understood why.
You didn't know how much Geralt had disclosed to the dryads when they first brought him to the forest to heal him with the waters of Brokelin Forest, but Milva remembered when Geralt insisted he needed to get to King's Landing to rescue from the family of dragon lords who ruled that place. She was under the impression they kept you in prison there. She was right, though it wasn't a prison like a dungeon.
It was a gilded cage, one that seemed nice and luxurious on the outside, but on the inside it had turned into your personal hell.
"I'm sorry you went through that," you told her, meaning it, "but I fail to understand what this has to do with me." "I...I just thought it might help if you knew you are not alone in whatever it is you went through. Whoever it was that hurt you-" "Nobody hurt me!" you insist.
Milva only gave a incredulous look in response, to which you took offense. "What you don't believe me?" "I'd have an easier time believing you if you weren't so defensive," Milva explains, "I used to get that way too. I tried to convince others around me, the other dryads, that my past didn't damage me. I would put up a front and act like I was not broken, not after I went through-"
"I'm not you, Milva!" you interrupt her, the others up front pretend like they're not listening in.
"I'm sorry that you went through such horrible things, but that wasn't me. Yes, I was...in a less than ideal situation. I endured more shit in the last three years than I ever did in my whole life, I was...I was forced to do things I had no say in, sure that happened, and those things happen everyday. But I'm not damaged." "(y/n)-" "I'm not a victim, Milva," you insist, "I survived and I came out in one piece. Well, one piece was left behind, but I'm fine. I at least know my daughter is in a place where she can't be harmed for the time being. I'll be fine. I'll solider through till we get to Nilfgaard, rescue Ciri, and then rescue Aemma."
You stare daggers at the group, whom you knew were eavesdropping due to the fact they had slowed down, "and you all can stop pretending you were not listening in!" you shout.
"(y/n), it was none of our intention to eavesdrop," Jaskier tries to intervene, running over to you, "we're just...you know, concerned."
"Why? Why all this concern?" you exasperate. "(y/n), you were held against your will on some foreign land with no allies or friends, except for your daughter. You were forbidden to leave and he-"
You now stare daggers at your brother, almost daring him to finish his sentence, "he did what, Julian? HE did WHAT?"
At this point, the company all but stop moving. Jaskier could see in your eyes you were not going to acknowledge what happened to you anytime soon, and any further pushes would only lead to you clamping down on your unresolved trauma.
You would only continue to keep it all in, even when it continue to bubble up to the surface, be it in the form of your nightmares or your daytime panic attacks.
So your brother steps and concedes, "...nothing, little sister. Forgive me for doubting you being fine. I believe you."
You didn't believe him, but accepted his apology all the same.
The company continued their trek.
Jaskier walked up ahead to Geralt, "Geralt-" "I know," the witcher whispers to his friend. "She can't keep going like this," Jaskier insists, "if she doesn't let it out soon, it may end up destroying her before we even get to Nilfgaard." "She won't talk about it," Geralt points out. "She can't keep it in," Jaskier points back, "I know she keeps saying she's fine, but I know she's not. I saw that look in her eyes when I came for her in King's Landing. You saw that look too, Geralt, you know she was at the end of her limit."
Geralt had a sad look in his eye when he subtly turned to see you walking behind, putting on a brave face for anyone that would see you.
The witcher recalled how after the two of you reunited, you would sleep next to him at nights, albeit with some space in between. You often would turn from him, curling up with your knees to your chest, hugging yourself in your sleep as if you were trying to protect yourself from whatever perceived dangers may be coming your way. He thought about the times when you and him shared a kiss, how quick you were to pull away so abruptly; there was even one time when you were making out which ended in you slapping him in misdirected anger, only for you to look at him in shock when you realized what you've done.
He would ask, but he never pressed when you simply answered it was nothing and you were fine. Not at all trying to repress your trauma.
Geralt could only speculate the things Daemon did to you. He already had some idea given the state you were in before the escape.
It was telling in the way you flinched and backed off during any attempts you made to be intimate with him.
"Maybe there is a way she can process it...indirectly?" Geralt suggests for a solution?
Jaskier thinks on this, an idea dawning on him when he remembered a little activity you and him used to do years back before your time in Westeros.
--------later that evening-------------
"So...you want to collaborate on an epic?" you tilt your head a little in curiosity, yet feeling skeptical.
"Yeah, why not?" Jaskier points out, "come on, little sister, we used to do this all the time, remember? We created some of our best ballads when we worked together, brother and sister, why try that to maybe create an epic this time?"
You were still hesitant, yet it did sound like a good idea. You and your brother had indeed done something like that many years back when the two of you were still socializing in the same circles, something you had been doing since before even meeting Geralt, when you and Jaskier would brainstorm together for coming up with new songs and ballads to perform in taverns and such.
It's been a while, but if it would help take your mind off certain things for just a little while then you were not complaining.
"Okay," you nod, taking out a pen and paper, "we did compose some pretty amazing songs when we put our minds together. What do you think this epic should curtail?"
"Well," Jaskier begins the brainstorm, "I was maybe thinking of something along the lines of...a long journey, one filled with strife and struggle, one filled with pain, but it ends with something good, where the heroine in the story comes out of it on top."
"Heroine?" you furrow your brows a bit, "interesting. Not many people think of women when they think epic of strife and struggle."
"Well, maybe you could have an input on that," Jaskier suggests, "you are a woman after all."
"Yeah...I am..." you say softly, taking some deep breaths as you put the pen to paper, trying to focus on some ideas.
It felt like forever as you struggle to come up with ideas. "Take your time, sis," Jaskier encourages, "there's no rush." "I know that," you say through gritted teeth, "I'm just...I can do this. I'm not sure how to feminize this epic." "I wasn't thinking of feminizing- well maybe a little. It's a heroine's struggle after all."
"Heroine's struggle," you repeat absentmindedly, thinking of your own strife. The imprisonment, the abuse, the numerous assaults, the unwanted pregnancy that ended in a mutated miscarriage, the near death experience that followed, the physical cost that came to saving your life, the second imprisonment and the second escape that followed....
Everything else that happened in between. Having your daughter pried from your arms at the very last second just as you had tasted freedom once again. The idea that some time may very well pass before you ever see her again, the idea that you may lose seeing many major milestones in her life.
All this-and yet....you could not them into physical words.
Why? Why was this not possible? You were able to channel your emotions and life experiences into your work before, why couldn't you do it now?
You feel your writing hand shake as your breaths became uneven- something that didn't go unnoticed by your brother.
"(y/n)? (y/n) are you alright? (y/n)?" Jaskier frantically questions, though you didn't hear him the first time around.
"I...I can't do it," you say in a soft voice. "What?" "I can't do it," you say as your voice broke, a tear escaping your eye, wetting the paper.
"You can't do what?" Jaskier asks.
"I...I...I can't..." you shake your head and look up to see the concerned expression from your brother. "I'm sorry," you try to quickly assure, wiping your eyes, "I'm just exhausted. I should go to bed now."
"(y/n), we only just begun, you can't just-" "I can and I will," you say rather snappy.
"(y/n), this is hardly like you to cut something like this so short," Jaskier brings up. "There's a first for everything," you say, trying to sound stoic, "I just need to sleep and it will come to me when I am ready."
"(y/n)-" "I'M FINE JASKIER!" you scream at the man, once again getting the attention of the company, "I know what you're trying to do, Julian, and it's not going to get me to admit anything." "What exactly would I even want you to admit," Jaskier exasperates, having reached his limits in patience, "(y/n), you can't keep this to yourself forever. You were imprisoned in King's Landing for three bloody years. You had your daughter ripped from your arms at the very last minutes, for gods SAKE (Y/N), the father of your child-" "Jaskier-" "He-" "don't. you. dare. finish that sentence-" "He's the reason you were in that situation in the first place, he assaulted you on more than one occasion, (y/n), and I know this, because I saw the effect it was having on you at the Red Keep even when you kept assuring everything was going to be alright in the end," Jaskier continues, "but it's not alright, is it, (y/n)? He hurt you in more ways than one and you can't admit the damaged he caused-"
"I AM NOT FUCKING DAMAGED!" you shrieked, "I'M NOT DAMAGED, JASKIER! I'M NOT A VICTIM! HE ALREADY TOOK SOMETHING FROM ME PHYSICALLY, I AM NOT ABOUT TO LET TAKE AWAY MY CREATIVITY!!"
"...what do you mean he took something physically from you...?" Jaskier asks, eyes slightly wide from that piece of information you unwittingly revealed.
Unable to hide anymore, the dam of tears broke, "I can't have anymore children, Julian," you finally confess, which got Geralt's attention right quick.
"What do you mean?"
"I...I...I was dying," you further confess in tears, "Yen- she- she took me to the Lodge of Sorceresses and- and they saved my life, but it came at the cost of my womb, the same womb that was already fucking damaged from that...mutation. He caused it. Dae...Aemma's father was the reason that even happened in the first place. He was hoping I would give him a son, and I would've. But now, I'll never have anymore children. Aemma is all I'll ever have, and she was ripped away from me. How much time must I lose before I see her again? What will I miss by the time I see her again? I'll never get to experience all those little milestones with anyone else, and now it seems I won't be able to experience those with her."
You look to see the pitiful looks once again, from Jaskier, from Geralt, and everyone else.
You couldn't stand it anymore.
Choking down more sob you turn and run, wanting for nothing more then solitude to process the grief you should have processed a long time ago.
More to be continued...
Bonus Masterlist
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