#emotional abuse mention

[lighterium]

A comic about Autistic Victimization.

When you look back, hindsight is always 20/20. All that's left is the memories of lost friendships of people you didn't communicate with for the sake of someone else.

cw: emotional abuse mention

#my art #actually autistic #actually ptsd #emotional abuse mention

[dreamsofalife]

((Something I kinda connected the dots on today is that the reason Shy hasn't acknowledged or felt aware of how bad her relationship with Joy used to be is because like...up until that point, the people who had hurt her were men, in positions of parental authority.

She didn't think another woman would do that, especially not another woman her own age. Joy had a mean streak, a jealous streak, and was willing to point out flaws, criticize, use the silent treatment, stuff like that, but it didn't clock as abuse because to Shy, they were on equal footing. Because at first, she fought back and argued and didn't take it, but eventually, that resistance faded. It especially didn't help that Joy used to try and purposely trigger a trauma response to get Shy to be quiet when they were fighting.

She never stopped idolizing Joy and hating herself for ruining their relationship; even when she was over it and didn't want to go back to her anymore, she felt like it ending was this big, shameful secret that everyone would hate her for if they knew. But now that she realizes how fucked up and abusive it actually was, she's questioning everything she ever thought about herself.))

#out of the grave (ooc) #unearthed remains (headcanons) #abuse mention #relationship abuse mention #emotional abuse mention

[trauma-culture-is]

not trauma culture, i just wanted to ask and make sure if you support the idea of "narc/npd abuse" ?

i absolutely don't. i'm sure there are many resources people can access explaining why demonizing an entire group of people based on what disorder(s) they have is bad, so i'll keep this brief, but what it essentially does is harms innocent people and removes the agency of abusers.

people who abuse others chose to do so. even if they're not aware of their abuse, they chose to take abusive actions. saying that someone is abusing people because they have a disorder takes that accountability away from their actions because they "can't stop themself". the same goes for any other mental illness- people with bpd, depression, adhd, etc aren't predispositioned to be abusive or toxic, so why would people with npd?

on the flip side, someone who's doing their best to manage their npd symptoms and is very cautious and aware of how they might hurt people will still get attacked just for having a stigmatized disorder. (even if they aren't managing their symptoms well, or they have hurt people in the past, they don't deserve to be harassed for having a disorder. people don't deserve to be harassed in the first place.)

i feel like personality disorders are probably some of the most affected by stigmatization and casual ableism. every mental illness has horrible stereotypes and gets discriminated against, obviously (this isn't a competition, everyone loses) but i've never seen more vile insults than those directed towards people with npd or aspd.

just call it emotional abuse.

#not trauma culture #abuse mention #emotional abuse mention #ableism cw #im not attacking this anon by the way i dont know how my tone comes across #they dont seem like they support the phrase either #mod puns

[fancy-feast-official]

instead of doing anything normal (like taking ibuprofen for my headache) i just spent the past four hours of my life writing an essay on why manfred von karma is abusive. kind of proud of it ngl.

also i tagged all quotes from the original post i'm talking about to their actual [user].tumblr.com site which has really bright colors fyi. i'll link the tumblr.com/[user] site at the end of the essay if bright colors don't work for you. also if ppl start sending me hate i'm just gonna block them.

In a Tumblr post by Wendy/Jessie Rose Rocket (referred to from here on as Wendy) on their interpretation of Manfred von Karma (MvK) in the Ace Attorney series, they argue that there is little canon evidence that MvK could have ever abused his children.[1] This however, is not the case, as there are various examples which they cite themselves that include traits of emotional abuse, including a hyper-controlling nature, manipulation, and invalidation of the victim’s feelings.

Before I get into the various examples given in the original post which indicate emotional abuse, I will say that I am not going to attack the more personal aspects of this argument, nor do I wish to attack any people who believe that MvK is not an abuser. I only want to look at the facts of his characterization and dissect the argument itself. Ignoring or overwriting the signs of emotional abuse in fictional characters can pose some threat to real people – if they’ll excuse emotional manipulation in fiction, they may be willing to excuse when they themselves are emotionally manipulated. I also think that it is misleading for Wendy to state that they are alright with abuse victims writing MvK as an abuser, before spending several hundred words explaining why they don’t think that MvK is an abuser, and that Ace Attorney fans are wrong in interpreting him that way.

Also, I will mention that both my own essay and the original post are triggered somewhat by the Filter Bubble Effect,[2] where content filtering and selection leads to a person only seeing one opinion or viewpoint. Wendy mentions that, while they see differing viewpoints on MvK on Tumblr, Twitter, and AO3, they do not see interpretations of him as abusive on other sites. I personally disagree with this statement as entirely factual, as before this post was made I had never seen interpretations of MvK as anything other than abusive. There is likely a split between these two interpretations, and I’m not willing to hazard a guess as to percentages in each camp.

With all that said, Wendy also mentions that both Miles Edgeworth (Edgeworth) and Franziska von Karma (Franziska) are “incredibly queer & nd coded.”[3] This is somewhat untrue. Both Edgeworth and Franziska are written as stuffy, calculating, and believing themselves to be entirely logical. While these are considered traits of neurodivergency, it is stated within the canon of the games that these traits have been trained in them by MvK. There’s an argument to be made on nurture versus nature (especially in the case of Edgeworth), but for the purposes of my argument I am going to say that this is more due to their upbringings than anything else.

While Edgeworth is somewhat queer-coded, it is only really present as a joke (Implications that Edgeworth isn’t aware that women find him attractive[4]), or because of his relationship with Phoenix Wright.[5] Franziska is not queer coded, though she is written as somewhat masculine compared to other female characters. This characterization is more a result of her being a female version of MvK and Edgeworth, and less to do with any alleged queerness.

The first piece of evidence which Wendy gives, under the context that it is “the one single piece of evidence that team fanfred brings to the table,”[6] are three lines from  Ace Attorney Investigations, both in the fourth case. The first is a conversation between Franziska and  MvK,

Franziska: Papa! You’ll come and watch my courtroom debut next, won’t you?

Manfred: Hmm… I’ll consider it.[7]

This conversation is rather innocuous, though it shows that MvK can be dismissive of his children at times. The more damning line is the second one which Wendy includes, where MvK says to Edgeworth, “A worthless person like you has no right to claim such a thing as perfection!”[8] This is one of many examples of MvK expecting nothing but perfection from both of his children. An expectation of perfection leads to Franziska and Edgeworth doubting themselves, and feeling worthless.[9] MvK places high importance on perfection, leading to his care for his children being conditional, reliant on their ability to be perfect.[10] Among other things, instilling self-doubt and worthlessness, and making acceptance or care conditional are signs that someone is being emotionally abusive.[11]

MvK is shown in various media to have a constant need for perfection and control of everything around him. in Ace Attorney Investigations, he manipulates aspects of cases so that he is guaranteed to win,[12] something he also does in “Turnabout Goodbyes.” It is completely reasonable that, when his own protégé does not display this inhuman perfection, he would be upset and lash out, as he does in the above example. Wendy notes that the word used in the original exchange, 半人前, does not translate to “worthless,” but instead to “an amateur / someone without experience.”[13] This, of course, is much more accurate to the context of their situation, but stating that the translation must have been made in bad faith is besides the point. There is no reason that MvK should be putting such high expectations for perfection on someone who, in real life, would not even have finished college yet. While it does not hold much weight as evidence for my own argument, it holds very little weight for their argument as well. However, it is important to cover this exchange, as they believe it is the only evidence a so-called “Fanfred” might be able to find indicating an abusive characterization.

Wendy continues on by listing the many ways in the anime that MvK is shown to be a good father. While they can be seen as evidence that he is not abusive, abusers can be nice to their victims, for a myriad of reasons. This can be done for any number of reasons, including: Bolstering the abusers image to the victim or outsiders, or to convince themselves they are a good person; As a manipulation tactic; And because the abuser is in the recovery phase of the abuse cycle.[14] I am going to focus on the former of these two reasons, as they are more likely in the von Karma situation. 

The most striking of the initial examples from the anime is Edgeworth’s statement that “he considers [MvK] the only person who was there for him after his father died.”[15] While this can seem like a positive thing, it is important to note that MvK very clearly isolated Edgeworth from his friends by moving him out of his house, away from his friends (who are not provided with any information as to why he’s gone). Social isolation is a tactic of abuse, used to tether a victim to their abuser so that they are more reliant on them.[16] The next examples of MvK complying with Franziska’s demands in an effort to make Edgeworth smile after he first moves in with them could be an example of him wanting to cheer Edgeworth up after the death of his father (who, I will remind you, was killed by MvK). However, this could have underlying motives, where MvK wants Edgeworth to open up to him, so that he might have more control over him. By killing Gregory Edgeworth, and raising his son to be as ruthless as himself, MvK takes care of the “curse” that he believes the Edgeworths to be.[17]

In the anime, MvK reacts rather calmly to Edgeworth’s first ever defeat during “Turnabout Samurai.” Wendy states that he seems “perplexed,” but is not in any way “cruel and unusual” what he says during that conversation.[18] Taken out of the context of MvK’s behavior, this is plausible. However, over the 15 years that he raised Edgeworth, he emphasized perfection over all else. Edgeworth’s reaction to losing is so negative because of MvK’s influences on his ideas of self-worth. In the conversation, MvK also advises Edgeworth to not have feelings, invalidating any feelings that Edgeworth might have about the cases he works on, feelings which can be necessary in determining the truth.

I agree with Wendy that MvK is, as they put it “a despicable fucking human being.”[19] In “Turnabout Goodbyes” alone, he:

Commits aggravated assault, including assault against a minor

Steals and tampers with evidence

Engages in conspiracy to commit murder, and is shown to have committed murder himself

Frames two people for murders that he was involved in

Due to his propensity for physical violence, it is no stretch to assume that he is physically violent with his own family members.[20] Even if he is not physically abusive, it has been shown time and time again that he emotionally abuses his children, and even despite that they look up to him. It is not uncommon for an abuse victim to love or care for their abuser. This can lead to blaming oneself for the abuse, and normalizing the abuse that is happening.[21] The reactions that Wendy wants to see in fics are plausible reactions for abusive victims to have when their abuser dies. It is possible for someone to understand they are being abused and yet still love the person doing the abusing.

Now, the lead poisoning business. Yes, it is possible for someone to get lead posioning from a bullet wound.[22] This is a plausible excuse for MvK’s behavior in later years, however, his tendency towards manipulation and hyper-control are present in “The Inherited Turnabout,” before he’s shot.[23] While lead poisoning does cause irritability, it also causes memory difficulties,[24] something that would hinder MvK’s ability to write his detailed plan for payback which he sends to Yanni Yogi.[25] This removes any plausible deniability for MvK in the murder of Robert Hammond – he very clearly knew what he was doing, and knew the consequences, which is why he tried to frame Edgeworth and Yogi. In a real court of law, he would be competent to stand trial for his crimes.

In conclusion, while he is not explicitly shown to physically abuse his children, Manfred von Karma canonically emotionally abuses his children, forcing them to adhere to his strict sense of perfection and morality. When both Franziska and Edgeworth fail to live up to his impossible standards, they doubt their own abilities and self-worth. Excusing this behavior in any person could lead to people not realizing that they’re being abused, and therefore having more difficulty getting out of abusive situations. It’s alright to like MvK as a character, but deliberately overlooking his abusive tendencies is to overlook a major part of his character, and his relationship with Edgeworth and Franziska.

"I'm Going to Change Your Mind About Manfred Von Karma"

#manfred von karma #mvk #ace attorney #please god help me why did i do this #arlo flowers writing tag #abuse mention #child abuse mention #emotional abuse mention

[havockingboo]

Gaster seems very abusive in this au

yes, emotionally

Gaster in the projection au is not the best monster but would never au his hands on his kids, he would rather through himself into the CORE than ever hurt them…but at the same time he doesn’t realize he still does harm to them, in a different way. He’s verbally abusive with his words towards the boys without even meaning to because he views it as “tough love”. He thinks he’s toughening them up, for the ‘real world’ or whatever. It’s how he grew up!! So it will definitely work on them too!!! Gaster doesn’t understand that…Papyrus and sans grew up in a totally different life, and telling those two that they need to get their act together when they’re like what, just teens?? Still trying to figure out themselves and their world around them? thats not what they need old man!! Like all those harsh words actually helped them or did any good besides create built up frustrations and distrust in their own dad, and have extreme self doubt etc etc. it’s…heavy stuff!!

man ngl this was hard to write cause it’s not something you can tread lightly! aaand ya know…projecting my own experiences and all haha. This au is sensitive!! im not sugarcoating it

#and of course personal to me #tw abuse #abuse mention #tw emotional abuse #emotional abuse mention #projection au #this au is def one i’ll only ever mention like rarely hah #the coping au fr fr

[ghostonly]

9 times out of 10, if someone accuses you of being ungrateful, it has nothing to do with you showing gratitude wrong and everything to do with them never wanting to help in the first place.

More often than not, "you're ungrateful," is literally just code for one of these:

"I did something for you because I felt obligated to and I now blame you for my past inability to set my own boundaries."

"I did something for you and expected you to do something of equal value for me immediately after, without ever stating that expectation, and you didn't hold up your end of the deal I decided we made."

"I did something for you because I felt morally obligated to and, because the entire situation you're in that caused me to feel that way wasn't immediately resolved by my act of charity, I've decided that you're actually doing this on purpose to extort people's time, energy, and resources."

"I did something for you because I'm a good person and you didn't adequately sing my praises and boost my ego to everyone we know, which is what any normal person would do if they were gifted with my invaluable services."

"I did something for you and expected you to do things for me in return, but your lower class and lack of resources means you have nothing of value to offer me in return, so you're therefore unable to pay your debts for my services, regardless of if you've wasted your time doing things for me that I deem worthless."

"I did something for you and expected this to mean undying loyalty and subservience, but you've dared to disagree with something I said, refuse one of my demands, or treat me as an equal when you needing my help made me superior."

So basically, if someone calls you ungrateful when you've actually put in an effort to show gratitude (like saying Thank You, expressing appreciation, etc.), they were never looking for gratitude to begin with. They're simply using gratitude as a way of making their sour feelings your fault when what they're actually upset about is that their attempt at insincere help didn't gain them anything.

In simpler terms: they're selfish.

People who genuinely care and genuinely want to help don't do so expecting something in return.

If someone wants something in return, they should state that right away, making the entire thing transactional and not an act of help, charity, or assistance.

The same goes for people who say you took advantage of them when you only accepted what was offered.

It is your responsibility, when you offer something (time, energy, money, resources), to make sure that what you're offering is something you actually want to share out of the goodness of your heart.

If you don't put down any boundaries regarding your offered help or resources, it is not the fault of the person you offered them to for not determining your boundaries for you.

#important #social #interpersonal #toxic #abuse mention #emotional abuse mention #manipulation mention #gaslighting mention #abuse recovery #psa #tagging for #disability #adhd #spoonie #actually disabled #disabled #because being disabled leads to this happening a fucking lot

[dhampiravidi]

the bear (TV show)

tbh from a writing perspective, The Bear is such a good, realistic show in how it develops its characters & shows rather than tells.

but damn, sometimes I have a hard time watching it because Carmy's depression, anxiety & self-esteem issues are so fucking similar to mine--

we're both high-achieving, self-hating, unable to imagine romance for ourselves, dealing with shit from being yelled at all the time, trying so hard to keep it together (though we sometimes snap at people instead)--ugh.

#jeremy allen white #writing #tv show #narrative #admin #the bear #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto #depression tw #tw: depression #mental illness #depression #anxiety #anxiety tw #tw: anxiety #mental illness tw #tw: mental illness #emotional abuse mention #self-esteem #negativity tw #tw: negativity

[apuzzledprince]

my boss: [staring at me and my younger sibling, shocked]

us: [chatting about the girl who emotionally abused me for years]

#it took a long time for me to label it as such too #because she was such a close friend of mine #but one time while i was talking about a disagreement we'd had with my mom #and she was like 'westley that's abuse. she's emotionally abusing you.' #ignore me im rambling #abuse mention #emotional abuse mention

[jimposts]

To get some sort of, art into it I want to help you guys understand where we come from. This is a small scale thing and I won't reveal like very personal shit. Just enough. This is mainly for my own sake but maybe a few of you can find comfort in this.

CW/TW for the following topics

Dissociation, OSDD, verbal abuse mention, emotional abuse mention

Growing up our abuser was a piece of shit to us. She would try and get us to fear anything and everything. It wasn't just her of course. Leo formed due to the yelling we were subjected to. He's able to handle that in place of someone like Jax.

When our abuser died and we went to the funeral, it was so complicated. So many were crying, sobbing about her. And yet here we were not able to process it. We cried for the fact we will never get an "I'm sorry" or an explanation. We can only wonder. Nowadays we accepted it was shit. We care for the grave and treat it with respect, but we don't miss her.

Everyone in the system as a different opinion on her. Some hate her with all their being. Some are neutral. And some, just don't care. But we all were affected in a way? That's what our GateKeeper says.

Speaking of our Gatekeeper, she keeps things from us. Memories is the main thing. But she also keeps how the system works in general under wraps. But that's due to being able to function I think. She knows what she's doing to care for us.

When we meet other systems, we tend to be happy! It's people like us! But Gatekeeper may tell us not to interact. Or hell someone in the system will out right refuse to message anything. It's hard to convince them to give them a chance. Cause my brain feels so foggy as they control what I do. It's hard even now to tell that in actually a real person.

Y'know I'm sharing this to help others who are like me. And or singlets who are just curious! I'm more happy to be able to share this than keep it in.

#jaxytxt #osdd vent #osdd 1b #osdd system #osdd #osdd support #osdd experience #tw dissociation #tw osdd #tw verbal abuse mention #verbal abuse mention #cw verbal abuse mention #tw emotional abuse mention #emotional abuse mention #cw emotional abuse mention #dissociation #sys vent #traumagenic system #osdd1b system #system

[just-antithings]

I used to be pretty neutral, solidly in the "if people make shit you don't like then filter it out/block them (but I think most of this is disgusting)" camp until a little over a year ago, when I ended up getting banned from a discord server I was a founding member of for that neutral stance. The harassment/suibait I got during & after from people in that server ended up pushing me solidly into the "fuck you these are my dolls and I'm gonna make the most fucked up shit with them" camp.

So now I'm writing a fic with a lot of emotional abuse & some pretty heavy handed sexual assault allegory and loving it. Made my own discord server for that fandom too and got some pretty good friends out of the deal too :)

#abuse mention #mod erin #ask #emotional abuse mention #suicide baiting mention

[8bityinyang]

[tw: emotional abuse mention, cursing] Is there anyone here who cares about equity and justice for creatives?

I've had a recent call with my emotionally abusive father regarding AI in writing.

I told him that despite thinking that AI has the potential to help inspire creatives, its use can never be ethical under Capitalism since big corporations are trying to use AI to get rid of human writing (which requires actually paying people) to further their profit.

He completely ignored me and told me that I "was just sticking with one side and needed to listen to all sides before believing in something", which I know is just him projecting what he does himself onto me and is him guilt-tripping me for not being an ideological copy-paste of his exact belief system.

When I tried to reason with him, he gave me the cold shoulder and hung up in a hissy fit like a passive-aggressive ninth grader who just broke up with his partner because he only wanted someone to control and bully for some sense of superiority and power and wasn't actually ready for the responsibilities of a romantic relationship.

You can't exactly "both sides" the exploitation of human lives for corporate profit, though I'm not surprised that he's anti-creative since he's also staunchly anti-union and believes that, and I quote, that

"the Starbucks employees are just pretending to suffer because they're being told to",

specifically in regard to the employees being overworked and union-busted relentlessly by Starbucks.

Wow. Un-fucking-believable.

He clearly doesn't care if I end up losing access to any possible job or career and falling into impoverishment and suffering all because the world would rather see the rich get richer than work towards equity and justice for all.

What's worse is that almost everyone I know has that same attitude, that "you need to stop being such a party pooper about AI because human creatives aren't real professionals that can be exploited by leeching capital-owning cronies so you shit-for-brains can go suffer for all I care".

It's starting to feel like no one cares about human creatives anymore and like no one cares to see our value in helping shape the minds of generations to come to help work towards equity and justice for all.

I'd like to ask you this, then. (You don't have to answer the poll if you don't want to)

It's okay to comment on this post. You don't have to if you don't want to, though.

#8bityinyang #8bityinyang vent #vent #tw vent #cursing #tw cursing #emotional abuse mention #tw emotional abuse mention #polls #anti ai #ai #fuck starbucks #anti starbucks #fuck ai #anti ai writing #fuck ai writing

[trauma-culture-is]

trauma culture is your parents using the fact that you have a poor memory to deny that they used to treat you like shit when you were a kid (both in a physical and emotional way) so now when you get flashbacks from your childhood youre not sure if these things really did happen or if it was just a weird fever dream, like it all seems so real and looking back at it makes me uncomfortable but if they keep saying 'oh we would never do that to you youre just making that up to make us look bad!!!!' then did it REALLY happen......?

❤‎

#actually traumatized #trauma culture #trauma #abuse trauma culture #childhood trauma culture #emotional abuse mention #abuse mention #trauma response mention #flashback mention #gaslighting cw #mod puns

[mischiefmanifold]

it's been very difficult for me to transition from living in an emotionally abusive home to somewhere where I'm genuinely supported

#mmanifold rambles #personal #thoughts about moving out and adulting #emotional abuse mention

[sneakerdoodle]

it's the New Year soon (one of my favorite things ever!!!!) and that's making me introspective so i'm gonna be Sappy about my personal life and my Love life and like, overshare a lot and hopefully not feel embarrassed about it and just be excited and happy about all the good things in my life, and there is no like big statement here i'm just gonna gush!!!!! yeah!!!!!!

it's been a year and almost 8 months since Fleur and i got engaged, (about a year and a half since we were like, "yep, we're engaged in a Gay way" fgdhjdshdjk) and it's been about 5 years since we became friends, and it was actually on a New Year's eve that i first reached out to them directly and we started talking a couple of months after that, and it was a Weird Weird very hard time in my life! the first half of 2017 was just really heavily loaded with a lot of personal realizations, pain, trauma processing, subtle emotional estrangement from my family as i came to be more acutely aware of my lgbtq+ identity, realizing i was stuck in a VERY bad damaging friendship and dreading any way of getting out of it, all the works; just, a HORRID time all around. and we weren't talking that much yet, but this like... weird cocoon of scared scary isolation was being breached a little bit by this person who i genuinely thought was SO SO COOL choosing to interact with me however casually, and it meant a lot... and then when i got through the scariest most confusing parts of it and created more space for Myself to exist in my own life, i just, got slammed with this HUGE weight of not-yet-fully-processed trauma that felt like it literally shook the very foundations of my life, and Fleur was the first person i talked to about it and their unwavering compassion and acceptance literally meant the WORLD.

i was like. are we friends is this my friend now!!!!! oh my god! and it was absolutely LIFE-CHANGING cause all the factors combining, like the very bad friendship experience and the newly processed personal realizations made connecting with others so WEIRD. there was a time when i was genuinely terrified of the idea of making a new friend because i was so deeply convinced friendship was so supposed to hurt and be absolutely exhausting and heartbreaking, and then i realized some things about the world and myself that still make it both so so so hard to trust other people OR feel like they would genuinely love me if they actually knew me, and i spent the December of 2017 with this acute, persistent, haunting feeling of complete disconnect from the world and other people, like no connection i could make would actually count, like i could not possibly occupy a meaningful place in others' lives, like if i died nothing would have changed for anyone because i was so easily replaceable. because i just came out of a state in which i was treated as completely irreplaceable, treated jealously, held captive by another person's emotional stability and both hailed as their savior and despised for not being enough to make things truly alright; and having to break a bond this intense made everything else feel just so much... flatter, disconnected, like no one who didn't try to make my entire life about themself actually wanted me that much or in any way that mattered. and through that, still, i had Fleur to talk to, and that meant so so MUCH. i had another friend group that i regularly closely interacted, but unfortunately i wasn't very very good at being Friends with them because of everything that made processing Friendship and Connection so hard; to this day, it's hard, i never feel comfortable taking up space, i never feel comfortable sharing my pain, i never feel comfortable asking for things, and it's really really hard to process the idea of someone really Caring about me, and i am still far too afraid of letting people Know things about me and unable to believe they would genuinely like me if they did. and at the time, i would just... not be able to process the fact that i would talk to someone a lot and know personal things about them as us being Friends, however cold that sounds.

but with Fleur there was always just this!! ease... it felt right to message them first and it felt right to talk to them and tell them all the little details of my day and not feel like i was bothering them; it felt right to request comfort from them, and it meant the world that i could trust them with like, Everything in my life. every bit.

a lot a lot a lot a lot of things have happened in our lives since then, and many things happened between us, but through it all our bond was always just so... unparalleled. before the big damaging friendship i moved through my life very faintly aware of myself, and there was little intense emotional honesty i would find anywhere, be it with my family (who mostly just made their big emotions my problem rather than a point of connection and a reason to communicate) or with my childhood friends with whom i couldn't really connect on a personal level because there was so much i didn't understand and so little emotional maturity and relationship experience i possessed. then the big bad friendship came along, and it was a stark contrast to Everything else, because of how intense and open and Bleeding with emotion it was, how it demanded my full presence, my entire heart, how Alive and Awake it made me feel and how aware of the world. but there was still little space in it for myself, and the intensity came at too high a price, and there was little communication and emotional growth happening there, either.

and i don't really like, possess Dating Experience outside of a few months with someone who wasn't a bad person but wasn't a good friend to me. we knew each other long enough before starting to date but there was little like, vulnerability and emotional security in that relationship, they didn't really Know me and these days i am completely dumbfounded at the fact that i didn't feel extremely intimidated by and insecure about maintaining a very involved close relationship with someone i didn't have a direct and tried channel of communication with; it was truly just extremely amatonormative (in the sense that, i was interpreting the meaning of romance from general expectation and formalities of it and celebrating it on those grounds because it was exciting to be liked and flirted with, but i wasn't really inspecting whether there was a good relationship basis to that specific romantic experience and what I wanted from my partner other than, "being my partner" lol). there was no desire to really know me, including through the uncomfortable parts, there was no readiness to pause to talk things through, no honesty and openness and desire to communicate, no intent to hear me out and do the hard things that would keep me safer and happier, like inspecting certain life choices or confronting actions of other people, etc. and i guess now that i know we weren't such close friends to begin with it makes sense that person wouldn't want to do all of that for me! but it's just so Weird that i wanted to date someone who wasn't a close friend of mine or someone who Wanted to be a closer friend of mine and was committed to building a good, strong relationship with me. i feel like the way they saw me was just... very soft and mellow and nice, and i wasn't being used or anything but i wasn't being Known as a person.

all of this is to say: i've never had a good, solid, close relationship before meeting Fleur; everything else was either detached and surface-level and arising from me and the other person generally not minding each other's company, OR was intense to a destructive degree and equated emotional openness with devastating codependency. so like. i'm not actually good at having friends OR being in a relationship and i still really struggle with connecting with people and am generally very very isolated as a person;

but i AM good at being friends with Fleur, and being in a relationship with them... there is a lot a lot a lot a lot that i'm learning; a year and 8 months is a long time, and one would Think we would've settled into a routine by now, but so much keeps changing. my country is changing horribly and drastically every day. our plans keep changing, getting disrupted, delayed, we keep fighting and fighting to get a chance to just, live together, and it keeps getting ripped out of our hands, and it's Hard and rocky and uncertain. i was lucky enough to spend 5 whole months sharing a house with them, and, gosh, it felt so wonderful to settle into a domestic routine with that, but now we have to get used to being apart again, and it's like we're just... wobbling and wobbling and wobbling and waiting for a time we can just, start Living our Life and learning the true shape of it... but i'm just really really grateful for everything i am getting to learn about what living and being together means, and so impatient to start doing that full-time without a timer over our heads...

and it's just!! so weird and special because this relationship we share is the most magical unexplainable Unparalleled experience of my life that doesn't compare to anything else, and at the same time it feels like... the most Normal one. it's emotional and involved and honest and intense but in a way that is like... softer, caring, and has the context of this... good domestic life we share every day. the hard emotional parts require Work and the work isn't always like, dramatically romanticized, sometimes it's just Hard and sometimes scary, but that's just like... normal. in a way that doesn't shy away from the hard things but doesn't let the hard things destroy the love and care we always always hold for each other. and i feel like... that's life? i feel like i was never allowed to live Life, it was either muted and the harsh parts of it overlooked, or it was so oversaturated with defiant abandon that left no room for love and softness and hope, or for my needs and feelings, and both of those are just... such weird, detached representations of it. and now i'm learning what Life is, and gosh, sometimes life is just... really really hard, and at some point you become unable to glorify your way through the very messy parts of it; but that's the life i'm supposed to be living, and it feels... normal. like it has a future, like it has meaning, like it's sustainable and right and gives me time and space to figure out what i want it to look like. i am just so so grateful for having a relationship that can envelop Both of us fully, the soft parts and the silly parts and the hard parts and the sad parts and the mushy gay parts and so on :' ) and at the end there is no one word to describe it cause it's just, Life, and that can be so so weird sometimes but it's never Wrong

Fleur if you're reading this i love you very very much, and i cannot wait to start truly living together in every small physical expression of it, without having to wait and guess and deal with all the uncertainty of it <3

#emotional abuse mention #trauma mention #like i said!! oversharing!!!! but it feels right somehow!!!

[one-abuse-survivor]

i feel guilty for thinking that my mom is abusive

shes not that bad, probably, and shes really trying! she loves me, or at least she says she loves me, but im not sure if that “me” she loves is actually me or the me in her head

it might also be my fault for not communicating my feelings to her properly, though

Nonnie, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The hard and complicated truth is, abuse and love aren't mutually exclusive. A person can feel love toward you and still act in abusive ways toward you. A person can also show they love you through their actions sometimes, and still act in abusive ways other times.

It's also very common to feel this way about our abusers when they're someone close to us, like a family member or a partner. Because we see their loving and gentle side too. We see it when they genuinely try to be better, we see their struggles and suffering, and we see their point of view and how they perceive themselves as caring and loving and good people. And so it's just natural to begin to question our own pain, and to wonder if maybe it's our fault they're abusing us for doing something wrong, like not being clear enough about our boundaries or emotions.

But, nonnie, it's not your responsibility to communicate to her that her abuse hurts you. Generally speaking, yes, communicating how we feel is how we help others take care of us; but you shouldn't have to ask for basic decency, respect and kindness, especially not from your own parent. You shouldn't have to ask people not to abuse you. If someone abuses you, it's never because you weren't clear enough about not wanting to be mistreated.

It's understandable to feel guilty, though. So many people going through abuse feel extreme guilt when they try to think of their abuser as abusive, especially if they've been guilt-tripped or gaslighted, or if their abuser frequently plays victim and talks about how much their victim is hurting them. I went through this too: I couldn't bring myself to call my mother abusive for years without guilt, and couldn't even say the word out loud (for fear I was wrong or it was all my fault somehow) until my first therapist used the word "abusive" to describe her. So I really want you to know you're not alone in this. If anything, this guilt you feel is proof that you have good reasons to think of her abusive. People who don't have abusive parents don't wonder if they do to the point of guilt and self-doubt.

I'm going to link you to this ask and this ask, both of which I replied to a few years ago, and also to this post I made recently. I think it might help to read them, but only if you want to, of course!

Sending a big virtual hug. I hope my reply helps to ease your guilt a bit ❤️

#ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive mother tw #Guilt tw #Gaslighting mention #Guilt tripping mention #Emotional abuse mention

[dear-systems]

hello! i'm not quite sure how to start this off,so i'll just jump right into it. we recently developed 2 fictives from the same source: A's source underwent emotional abuse from B's source, and A doesn't want to be anywhere near B. the main problem is that, in B's source he lost all of his memories, and that trait carried over to B in-sys. he wants to set things right between himself and A so the sys can run smoothly, but nobody knows how to start. any advice? thank you!

That’s going to be up to A. A doesn’t owe B anything, and if they don’t want to be around him at all, that is their right.

B should prove that he is better than he was then, that he is a different person now, and, when A is comfortable with it, apologize. Whether or not A accepts the apology is up to them, and what they want to do afterwards is entirely in their control.

#abuse tw #emotional abuse mention #mod star