#fucking wish we didn't have to live with the reality of having parents who fucked our whole life and brain up from the time of our infancy

[piplupod]

second hater post of the day: I am glad that not everybody has experienced abuse at the hands of their parents, but sometimes these people say honestly really unbelievably stupid (insensitive or just plain baffling) things because they are so disconnected from the experiences of abuse survivors/victims

#I cannot give an example because this applies to several things we've seen in the past couple weeks #but my god. god i fucking wish i was you. i wish i had a brain that could come up with the shitty thing u just said so confidently #I dunno lmao this is very much just the hater in me but sometimes it feels like rubbing it in our faces or bragging the way they say things #not any one specific person. just. generally. a type of person with a certain set of experiences so far outside our own #I know I'm being unreasonable btw LMAO I simply wish I could avoid seeing people talk about how great their parents are #and how supportive they are and how much their parents love them and actively care for them even into their adult years #and what a good relationship they have w their parents #it makes me fucking pissed off and I KNOW that's unreasonable lol I know I'm being a fucking asshole abt this #Juno doesn't feel the same way btw lol they somehow feel happy to see other ppl have good relationships w their parents #I cannot bring myself to be happy for those people though lmfao I'm not wired that way #good for you but god I fucking wish I didn't have to see other people live the life we desperately wish for and will never have #fucking wish we didn't have to live with the reality of having parents who fucked our whole life and brain up from the time of our infancy #chase on the mic #abuse tw

[arikazu]

Boyfriend chan headcanon

(Sweet and smutty and angst addition)

How you met him

You met chan at a concert it was the love at first sight for him soon you began appearing all of his events and he seemed to adore it.

You became friends and after that he took you out on a date at a skzoo Cafe.

He respects your culture since you are a foreigner at Korea.

A student he helps you in study and after a headache day of work and studies he would snuggle you to the bed and make your favorite drink.

He would write songs about you but won't ever release it.

Since those songs are only meant to be heard by you and only you.

Calls you "baby girl" or "sweet heart"

Plans to have a family with you in future. He wants to have 3 kids but will respect your choice.

On the occasion of Holi, he is going to prepare an array of vibrant colors for you to play with. He wants to make sure that you have the best experience while celebrating this festival of colors.

He will carefully choose the colors and mix them in a way that creates a beautiful palette. You can expect a variety of shades that will add a unique touch to your celebrations. So get ready to immerse yourself in the joyous spirit of Holi with a splash of vibrant colors.

With definitely try gol gappa and pakooda with you.

"Your parents hold a great amount of love and admiration for him. He has managed to win their hearts and has become their most beloved individual. They hold him in high regard and cherish his presence in their lives.

He has a daddy kink.

He likes to fuck from behind and he loves how your boobs bounce as you ride him.

He would fuck you in his studio so he could ease the stress off.

His favourite position is classic missionary and it's variations but loves when you ride him while he works on the new song lyrics.

Loves to eat you out while you are a moaning mess in front of him.

He has anger issues sometime and you would calm him down by giving him a head.

His favorite position also include 69

When the dating scandal broke out he was angry at stays when they gave hate comment to you.

Leaving no choice to take action in his own hands but you broke up with him because you didn't wanted to ruin his career.

He was a strong leader to others but to you he was a baby who needed love.

When you left without saying anything he was on hiatus for months but had no choice to carry stray kids for him and others.

He would often miss you.

"I don't want to admit but I miss you"

He wrote I hate to admit it for you and released it.

He often wish to meet you again one day.

"Imagine a different reality, where I am not bound by this curse of being an idol, and you are not just a dedicated follower. A world where we are free to be who we truly are, without any labels or expectations."

- bang chan 25.3.24

All rights reserved to @arikazu 2024

#Spotify #stray kids #stray kids ff #straykids x you #straykids fanfic #straykids fluff #skz #skz imagines #straykids angst #skz stay #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #skz x you #skz x y/n #chan x you #bang chan x reader #bang chan #chan x reader #stray kids chris #chris x reader #stray kids imagines #stray kids reactions #straykids smau #straykids smut #stray kids angst #skz fanfic #skz fluff #stray kids x you #stray kids x y/n

[azhdakha]

Foreign communists, socialists, marxist, anarcho-communists, tell me, why are you so ignorant, cruel and denying every time it comes to people who's oppressors aren't the west, USA and NATO? Why is it that you are so radical and so fierce to the oppressors, why do you talk about the solidarity of oppressed people, but you are ready to deny or normalize, ignore the thousands, millions of people who had their lives broken and poisoned, their homes stolen, their identity destroyed, their dear ones killed, just because those who perpetuated it called themselves communist? Are you really that dumb so you cannot fathom that there can be more than one oppressor? That just because your people suffered from USA and USA is fighting against USSR, the second one is automatically good and never done nothing wrong throughput their existence? Why is your world so binary and simplified, stupid and unrealistic? Why are you ready to support and be an apologet for someone who did terrible things, why are you ready to be cold to human beings facing atrocities just to support your damn narrative? Or just because it's not you suffering and someone else, not your people, it's fine to butcher and humiliate someone? We live through this on a daily basis. Our parents lived through this. Our grandparents live through this. This is something we keep as a family history and tell each other on family meetings. Something that your grandma will tell you while you fall asleep. Something we don't even doubt regardless of our political stances, even if you're communist yourself, because it's our reality. It doesn't happen in a far away country. It happened here. But there come you, who have never fucking been here accusing us of lying and being an America's pet. Do you think that because we don't want to be oppressed and we don't want our oppression to be silenced and denied, we are America's puppets? If we want to live freely and not undert the boot of the regime that didn't see us as humans, if we want a normal life and human rights, we are filthy reactionists? Where is your love for human rights? We are you so ready to betray us and wish us to be killed by our oppressive government because our existence doesn't align with your narrative? Where is your radical stance against oppression?

#azhdakha

[rubberduckyrye]

You know it really irks me that people think that Scaramouche's emotional problems were due to the fact he didn't have like, proper ways to cope with the loss and grief he felt in his life.

Like. Buddy, chum, pal. That was NOT why he had emotional and behavioral problems.

Despite being abandoned by his mother, Scaramouche (As Kabukimono) DID find happiness in a new family with the miners. He loved them so dearly, and he found a home with them. Had he just lived with the miners with no incident, he would have found value in himself and not take his mother's abandonment of him so harshly.

I think people think that his anger towards the little boy for dying means he doesn't know how to cope with loss or grief, but that's really not the case at all--after all, the whole Tatarasuna incident meant that people were dying from the start of it.

Scaramouche was watching his family die to the poison released by the furnace and smelting the crystal marrow. He saw people try to make it to Inazuma City to speak with the Shogun only to never return, making him feel the need to go out to seek an audience with her himself. He wanted to save everyone on that island, yes--but people still died before he even left.

I think what people fail to realize is that it wasn't death that fucked him up mentally (though I bet you it played a part), but it was the perceived betrayal of the miners and Niwa specifically that really screwed with his trust and sense of self worth.

Nahida's fairy tale implies that Dottore had told Scaramouche that because he was the only inhuman one among them, that he was chosen to sacrifice himself to stop the furnace from polluting the island even further. Dottore convinced him that the family who said they loved him and accepted him weren't genuine, and that they wanted to sacrifice him to save themselves because what better use of a doll, right?

Then we have what Dottore fooled Scaramouche into believing in regards to Niwa--how Niwa allegedly maliciously twisted Kabukimono's purest wish of having a heart of his own into something so cruel and distorted, and tbh, quite gory and gruesome. Again, someone who said he was one of them and who said they loved him was painted to be malicious and traitorous in Scaramouche's eyes.

So then, if Scaramouche's emotions don't stem from death, why did he consider the boy's death a "betrayal"?

Well, because of a few reasons.

The boy flat out lied to him, even if unknowingly. The boy said that he wasn't going to die like his parents, and that they would be together forever. I don't think Scaramouche believed that the boy would live forever, as he has experiences with death--but he believed that the illness the boy had would pass. It clearly did not. This ties in to his trauma with Dottore lying to him about the miners--about how humans lied to him and betrayed his trust.

The betrayal was projected onto the boy because it was he who died, but in reality, Scaramouche probably considers his three betrayals like so: The first betrayal being a Betrayal of the Gods, the second Betrayal being the Betrayal of humans, and the third being the Betrayal of the world--and himself. Scaramouche saw this sweet innocent boy who did nothing wrong and watched him die to an illness that had no business killing so many humans--and he felt like he failed to save this innocent soul from the cruel world that just wanted to make him suffer. Scaramouche foolishly believed in the world one final time, to believe this boy who did nothing wrong, and was hurt once again for it.

So yeah. I think it's less about the coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) or Scaramouche being young as Kabukimono and not understanding how to process death--because that's not what his betrayals were about. They are betrayals after all--not vague death trauma.

#Scaramouche #Kabukimono #The Wanderer #Genshin Impact #Dottore #Il Dottore

[anaalnathrakhs]

it fucking breaks my heart i've been killing myself for months trying to repair my relationship w my parents and the three of us are just fucking deficient human beings. we're incapable of changing we're fucking incapable of it there's no going back everything was set from the moment i was born. they never should've had a child, but what the fuck could i blame on them? once the kid is here you just do your best you can't just decide it was a bad idea and get rid of it. they did their best. there's no good way to deal with a fucked up child. but holy fuck i wish i wasnt just idk born wrong. i wish life didn't suck and wasn't so hard. i wish when my mom said she'd take more time for family and relaxing she didn't go back to working until 8pm at least every day in the following month, but there's realities pushing her to. i wish when we saw each other we had things to do rather than just stare at each other awkwardly. i can't ever do anything because everything impacts my parents. and god knows i owe them to stop impacting them so much i did enough shit already. i can't enjoy a trip out with them because then we go home and it's MORE incredibly unsatisfactory socializing and forced eating lest they look at me like a monster. i can't leave because then it's WE leave not I leave. i can't just live my life after school because i have to be back to have the terrible binge-inducing dinner with them else i'm a fucking monster who makes them stay awake and worry at night. i have to make them aware of my every move because else they're gonna worry, i can't do that to them i have no valid reason to. i can't ever relax. i have no safe place anymore. there's always food in the house, we always have to go grocery shopping the same day and fill up the pantry. i can't buy anything substantial or component of a "normal" meal because then they just sit there while my mom never uses them despite knowing about them the whole time. there's been bricks of soup in the pantry for like two months she hasn't even MENTIONNED CONSIDERING THEM for the whole time. we bought, and i mean WE bought, WE took a couple canned vegetables from the shelves and we said good idea and we put them in the cart, and then she NEVER used them until i desperately broke the agreement that i was not to have control over what's for dinner and suggested we could perhaps maybe eat the food we had bought to eat, and she was like yeah sure great idea! we ate one can, and then for WEEKS afterwards we still don't touch any of the other cans. she keeps adding and adding and adding a billion things to every meal it makes me wanna rope. she keeps putting huge slabs of butter in pasta MOTHER it tastes the same except it's gross and five billion calories now can you stop doing that thanks. i've had my parents pretty much at my will for many many things all of my life, because they're completely floating in the meaningless void on what it means to be a parent, and it's just not healthy in ways i cannot possibly wholly imagine, and now we're stuck in some sort of circle that if i don't DEMAND something it's like i never said anything. but i can't DEMAND things because that is not a control a kid should have over their own parents and there's no nuance of possible things it's either they'll bend over backwards for even the most ill-advised demand or they will not budge an inch for the most structured three-parted argument doubled with the plead of my failing mental health even if it has demonstrably not worked before, and i certainly do not want to have a relationship with ANYONE where they feel forced to act a certain way because of me. and it's been so weird having developped this kind of very marked independance on like, DRIVE, while i was a neet, that now that i'm older and more legitimate to slowly leave the nest it feels incredibly weird and bad to entrap myself more closely instead.

so i keep trying to give them the elements of what consequences this or that thing has on me, and letting them evaluate themselves what they value, and so far the result has been that they don't give a shit about making me suffer, and they're completely cool with watching me act like i'm coked up in public bc i'm in pain or about to jump out of my skin in fearful anticipation of the next meal. i can handle myself all day and literally just ramble a little under my breath when we're going home at 9pm because it helps with the pain, and they're like "WHAT NOW we say something and you start sighing, what the hell did we do wrong this time??" which i guess is their genuine answer to the situation so i got what i wanted, i didn't control their reactions, but i guess it's pretty disappointing anyway.

and i can't really tell them because hey, how is that conversation gonna go? mom, dad, living with you is unbearable, all of my life you've done nothing but hurt me despite your best loving intentions, and i honestly don't think we're ever gonna fully repair that. cheers. i can't fucking do that to them. i've been the worst child to deal with my entire life i can't do that i just have to hold on until i move out anyway. it itches SO BAD to hurt them to blame them to throw every nasty thing i've ever wanted to yell at them to push them down the stairs and run away in the middle of the night. but i can't because they've done their best. genuinely. i wouldn't have handled it better if i had to parent kid-me. i don't think there's any right answer to a situation like that. i just can't wait until i can live for myself and not for walking around eggshells being the normal kid my parents never got to have now that i can force myself to. it feels like i try my best to give them respect and foster a good mutually-trusting relationship with them, and they don't give back anything different in return. and i do think part of that is that i'm WAAAAAY too in my own head about it and i have massive "nobody is allowed in the kitchen when i'm there" syndrome except my entire existence is the kitchen and anything i do besides "staying the usual unshowered neet disappointment in my room" being seen by my parents feels to me like if walking around naked in public. like how people ask out as a joke, like HA you really believe you could be more than a depressed piece of shit, but you're really nothing more than a pathetic failure barely keeping up the mask of a normal person. and that is totally my responsability to deal with except idk seems like every time i step out it turns out to be a disaster. and the coming down is even harsher, having to turn back into some featureless zombie picking and choosing what interests are undisruptive and inoffensive enough for me to tell my parents about it. i havent even managed to try to get into a sport club because the thought of my parents knowing this and that about my schedule and knowing i do sports and what sports i do and perhaps asking about it just makes my skin crawl. and i can't be spending their money, and i don't have a job, so.

they wont leave me the hell alone, and i can't refuse else i just become defined by my avoidance of them. it's rotting in my bed without any of the recharging. i don't fucking want to eat dinner with them, but else WHAT DO I DO? the kitchen is upstairs, upstairs is where they are, especially during dinner time but also they can hear i'm there if they're awake at home. and i owe them to spend that time bonding w them since we never did, and it's pretty much the only time my mom is home. i don't want to go with them to random events i don't really care about, because they're unenjoyable anyway since they're followed by MORE proximity and shit, but i kinda have to because i owe them that after i was nothing but a fucking emotional leech for my entire life, and also if i don't go to these events with them i go NOWHERE, cf the problem with my parents seeing anything about me mentionned above.

you might notice i've been saying "they" the whole time, rest assured, i mean my mom, or the united parental authority driven by my mom. i barely even have a dad anyway, i have a guy who lives in the same house and comes when my mom calls family reunion time, but spends his entire time every day following his own intellectual pursuits while floating through every actualy physical situation he's in. he barely listens. he barely reacts. he's not stupid or wholly incompetent, he functions alone pretty well, but in most situations in life he just stands to the side and goes "damn" whenever anything would require a reaction. i'm not really sure he fully realizes (or cares) that his actions impact other people. it scares me to be like him. i know how similar i am to him, and i really really hope i don't end up hurting anyone by being like that.

#vent #ed tw #broadcasting my misery #i can't stand not posting this bc i am fucking STARVED for feeling seen and understood #but dw guys it's cool if you have something to say but don't feel obligated it's already nice to know that hypothetically this is being rea #genuinely it does help #just knowing someone COULD read this #im going to try to find compromises and make this shit easier on both me and my parents #i swear #but i needed to vent

[iris-sistibly]

GOD! EPISODE 13 IS BITTERSWEET, but I think this is by far the episode where like 80-90% of the scenes were happy. So I love it!

📍I knew they'd find nothing in the panic room, it's kinda frustrating but what's new? At least Hyun-woo had a back-up plan to fuck up Eun-seong and I can't wait for him and his mother to rot in jail. But WAIT--hear me out, if Seul-hee finds out that Eun-seong went to Germany to follow Hae-in, this bitch would be livid and since she sees every member of the Hong family as an obstacle, she'll most likely going to do something to eliminate Hae-in. What if Eun-seong sacrifices himself and dies in the process to save her, then Mo Seul-hee will lose her mind and she'd spend the rest of her remaining days locked up in a mental asylum, alone and lonely. I think that would be a perfect ending for her and Eun-seong don't y'all think?

📍Aunt Beom-ja and hubby number 4 moments, Hae-in and Mama Hong slowly rebuilding their relationship, Baek and Hong parents being besties, Soo-cheol continuing to stand up for his family...I appreciate these little family moments so much I just don't want it to end.

📍Team QOT be blessing us with lots and lots of BaekHong moments!!! Ah, I feel so spoiled as a fan, I never considered their divorce as legit, but more like they went back to the way they were...you know, carefree, happy, being so in-love, making great memories. I love that they re-created the honeymoon scene in episode 1, then the first OST to ever be released (The Reasons of my Smiles by BSS) started playing in the background, it felt so nostalgic to me.

📍I also love the fact that Hae-in's parents, especially her mom didn't argue when Hae-in decided to move-in with Hyun-woo in his apartment. It feels like they are finally giving their full support and blessing for BaekHong to become a married couple. Also, those hubby and wifey moments made me smile a lot!

📍But Hyun-woo once again going above and beyond to make Hae-in happy 🥹🥹🥹 hubby really made the "snow fall in October" so wifey could witness it first hand, then hearing his most genuine laugh when Hae-in confessed that he was his first love was just the best. Those scenes were just so good it made me wish that they could stay like that.

📍But of course, those happy moments won't last because well...who says we can have it all? Now, if this was a typical Kdrama and the lead character would be put in Hae-in's situation, normally we could expect the lead character to take the risk and the other lead as well the people on their side would help her remember or perhaps create new memories. However, I do appreciate the fact that Park Ji-eun didn't romanticize that kind of situation but instead gave us the reality of how complicated it is to be in Hae-in's shoes. It's easy to say, "Oh it's fine Hyun-woo's gonna help her remember," and this guy bless his heart would be willing to do that, but what about Hae-in?

As much as I really, really want her to get the surgery, I do understand why she refused after finding out about the possible side effects. It's not just about losing her memories, it's about losing her loved ones. It's so fucking cruel because if she doesn't take the surgery, they'll lose her, if she does then it's the other way around. She could wake up becoming a completely different person, forgetting about how much she loves her family, her husband and it will hurt them really badly. She loves Hyun-woo so much that she doesn't want to lose that love she has for him in exchange for extending her life. If she loses that love, then what's the point of living? I still do hope for some miracle though, because she deserves to live a long life with Hyun-woo.

ANYWAY, Since episode 14 is coming up I am mentally and emotionally preparing myself for a pretty painful episode. Next week is finale week and I hope, I REALLY hope that BaekHong will get a happy ending they both deserve.

#kdrama #tvn #netflix #queen of tears #kim soo hyun #kim ji won #park sunghoon #kwak dong yeon #lee joo bin #baek hyun woo #hong hae in #yoon eun seong #hong soo cheol #cheon da hye #baekhong #my roman empire

[saphig-iawn]

Day 5 of Turning me into Me

Today was a strange one, but it was positive. Today gave me another chance to feel my own strength and stand my ground; I visited my parents.

Here's some Saphi lore to give context as to why this was an important conversation. I originally came out as trans in 2018. I was out to my dear girlfriend and a handful of others knew I had some gender fuckery going on. But I was uncertain, I had doubts, so all I could do one day was squeak out the words "I think I'm trans" to my mum. There was such a mounting pressure inside of me, and finally being able to tell them felt good, but things didn't pan out all that well. "So you're a crossdresser" my mum would bark while we were walking dogs together, "If you had come out as gay, I would've been more prepared" she added. Sure, let me just throw away my long term relationship for your comfort shall I? My dad couldn't hold conversation with me. There was a frost forming in the air between us, and then at my sister's engagement party a few days later, he couldn't even look me in the eye. Every time I reached out to him, he would dive away. I felt so alone and left early, lied to my sister that I wasn't well. Then I retreated into the closet, my transess felt surpressed. I went into such a dark period of questioning. But I came out the otherside as the lovely transwoman you have before you.

This time around, my parents and family are the last to find out. My friends all call me by my new name, I'm out to my colleagues at work, I'm my beautiful trans self everywhere, but to them. I couldn't help but think of the worst scenario when daydreaming about coming out to them. If my dad avoided me then, how would he react now when I tell him of how sure I am of my femininity? Would my mum be 'more prepared' now? In this time I've tried to lay down breadcrumbs, slowly invite them in and the responses were sometimes worrying. My sister and her husband talking about kids having their genitals cut off, my dad scrunching up his face at the word non-binary, my sister asking if I have any snowflake friends. The worst was my mum. She wasn't transphobic or bigoted, but she acted in a way that fucking hurt. She was telling me about her friend who's daughter came out as transwoman, and how every time she sees a photo of her friend and her new daughter she make sure she comments on how her daughter is so happy and confident. I wished I could've felt joy at that, that my mum was turning a page but all I could think was: "where were you when I came out".

My parents find it so hard to let me think for myself. I've not lived with them for a while now but they still feel that they can have this sway on my life. I've taken to straight up lying about seeing mental health professionals so that they'd understand how I work, as someone who is neurodivergent and has ADHD, because their own child's word about their own feelings is apparently not good enough. Every time they'd say "you know where we are if you want to talk" I TRIED. I TRIED AND YOU PUT ME AT ARMS LENGTH. Then I told them the plainest and most powerful truth, that I saw my doctor about getting a referral for the gender services. That was so HAPPY that something positive was finally happening, that I was going to be figuring myself out. But of course, we know the reality is that I already know who I am and have already figured it out. I've drip fed them what I've learned about myself, my body and gender dysmorphia from a young age, the realisation now that my mind and body didn't match. My mum is a fatphobic and she always thinks I'm going through this because I'm a big girl, but I shut her down every time.

So, with all of that in mind, I spoke to my parents. I told them that I've received confirmation that I'm on the gender services. I told them I'm joining support groups (lie) and that I'm meeting people who have similar experience as me (lie)... They were supportive... They actually hugged me and in their old way actually said that they'd support me, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing by me.

Oh I am mum and dad, and I have been for a long time.

Love, your daughter

#saphi's journey #coming out #transgender #transfem #mtf trans #trans #girlslikeus #mtf #transisbeautiful #transition timeline #transfemme #transfem lesbian #transbian

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

I'm Saying It Now

My best friend's funeral was on December 15; slightly over 2 months ago. His death was brutally unexpected, and he had a distanced and (perhaps overly) private, if not strained, relationship with his family and with his partner of over 20 years, so it was clear at the services that not much was carefully planned, or crafted to what A would have wanted. Honestly, no one likely knew what he'd want at his funeral; I doubt anyone ever discussed it with him. Or rather, I doubt he ever discussed it with anyone. Not that he lived his life in reckless denial of the realities of mortality; just that he didn't open up to many people about anything, including people he was 'supposed' to be supremely close to, like his parents, or his partner. I know he wasn't discussing it with his kid; too morbid and anxiety-inducing. And he never talked about it with me, either, likely for the same reasons. I'd told him countless times over the decades of our friendship, in not-quite-jesting ways, not to die. 'Don't die.' 'You better not die.' 'Don't fucking die, man.' 'You're not allowed to die.' 'Don't die on me.' 'You can never die.' He usually came back at that with, 'I'm not planning on it,' or, 'I'm trying my best not to,' or, '10-4, boss,' or a couple of times even, 'Jennifer, Jesus Christ, you're so fretty.' So, probably obviously, we never had a bestie chat during a viewing of NCAA tournament basketball that went, 'So in the event of my death, I want to be cremated and my ashes shot into space, and I want you to read this section from Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, and if any ex-girlfriends from high school show up, flip them off...'

Anyway, at the services, which were small and short and too religious for A's taste and belief system, and not religious enough for more than half the mourners (his estranged family), the officiant, who didn't know A at all, was full of the vague spiritual platitudes so many people use around death. He said about 1000 empty words and then opened the floor up to people to share about A. One of his aunts got up, sobbing, and said how much she loved A when he was a little boy in choppy, tearful sentences. No one else stood up. Not his father; not his partner; not his son; not his best friend (me). I couldn't do it. I couldn't stand up; I couldn't speak, definitely not off the cuff. It was hard and painful to even be there accepting that reality on any level, and I'm not a huge fan of speaking out loud, even privately and about cheerful things, to even my closest connections. But these are pale excuses, and I'm ashamed of myself for not standing up to speak about my best friend, one of the most important people in my life, one of the greatest loves of my life.

So I'm saying it now.

Saying it here, to you folks, who at least sort of know and care about ME, is I'm hoping equal to, if not better than, saying it to a room full of people who pretty clearly didn't know shit about A. I hope someone there other than his aunt, who probably still saw him as an 8 year old, really cared about him. I hope they were just like me; they cared so much they couldn't verbalize it on the spot.

Here's my eulogy for A; the one I wish I stood up to say.

A was my best friend. He still is the best friend I ever made. He's the friendship in my life that's been the most close and consistent and lasted the longest. He helped me through the hardest part of my life, and he helped me every time I struggled with anything hard, no matter how often I asked. And I often asked. He was the only person for a large portion of my life I ever asked for help with anything. And he always helped. He never once complained about it. I have a vivid memory of being so overwhelmed with a calculus problem once, that I called him, desperate and in tears. "I've been working this problem for over an hour, and I can't get it. I can't get this. I'm going to fail the next test. I'm not going to pass the AP test. I'm not going to graduate college because I'll have to take math, and I'll have to do it without YOU, and I'll fail..." I'd filled up the front and most of the back of a sheet of college ruled notebook paper with figures and formulas; erased and tried again, over and over. To say higher math was 'easy' for A would be a gross understatement. He really could do calculus in his head. It was effortless, sometimes seemingly involuntary, like he could somehow divine answers through magic (or that's how I perceived it). I felt for sure I was bothering him, asking for help (again) on something he thought was boringly simple. Maybe disappointing him, because I needed help with something he thought was boringly simple. He said, "You're way out ahead of yourself and freaking out. WHY did you wait an HOUR?! Where are you at?" I told him, reading off lines of calculation, sniffing and gasping back more math-panicked crying. "You messed up line 6. Jennifer. You did 50 or 60 lines of extra work. Just call me when you hit the first wall next time. An HOUR. An HOUR and you made yourself CRY. You are not going to fail the next text. (Correct. I didn't.) You are going to pass the AP exam. (Correct. I did.) Even if you have to take college math, you'll pass. You can do it without me. (I'll never know if he was right that time; I didn't have to take college math; because he got me through AP Calculus alive.)" Higher math wasn't really the hard part of my middle school and high school life, though; it was that I was alone in everything, not just calculus homework. My grandparents had passed away, and I was far away from any connections I'd made as a child, without cell service or internet. At a time when I had no one to count on and no meaningful connection, I met A. He WAS my support system in its entirety for almost a decade. And he never let me feel like a chore. In fact, he usually seemed HAPPY to help me. He's helped me through a lot of other stuff that was way more difficult than advanced mathematics. Today is the hardest day of my life, saying goodbye to him. The most difficult thing I've ever struggled with. I'd rather do calculus problems all day, every day, in perpetuity, than say goodbye to him. I'm aching to call A so he can help me do it. A, I'm going to miss you every day of what's left of my life. And not just because you aren't here to walk me through the hard stuff. The pieces of me that you shaped and salvaged are pretty huge and consequential. I can't do the math that quantifies how much I'm missing now. I can just tell stories. I was always secretly hoping you'd tell me one day that you were getting married and you'd say 'fuck it' to tradition, and ask me to be your best man. The only speech I'd ever be happy to give. I had a sappy literary quote all picked out for the hypothetical toast. But I'm saying it now instead, to close a speech I am devastated to give and never wanted to give. C. S. Lewis, in The Last Battle, the final book of The Chronicles of Narnia, wrote,

"Now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on for ever: in which every chapter is better than the one before."

I always thought that was a great quote for a wedding; a hopeful wish for the beginning of a loving commitment in marriage. But he wrote it as a speculation of the afterlife. I know neither of us ever had a lot of confident or overt faith in an afterlife, but damn I sure hope you're in a happy story now, in which every chapter is better than the one before. I love you. That won't ever change. I hope we meet again some day in a happy chapter.

#grief #wish I said it then #but I couldn't #so I'm saying it now

[azusaluvclub]

weak hero headcanons ; the union's families

hellooooo !! i just wanna preface this by saying these are just my thoughts and if you have your own i’d love to hear ‘em !!!!!! aside from jake + donald, we’ve never seen much of the union guys’ families and i’m not sure we will. if any of this turns out not-canon tho, wellllll :,)

i'll make a follow-up post for the eungang, but in the meanwhile pls enjoy !! + if u wanted to see any other characters, feel free to send an ask ;3

tw: dysfunctional families, mentions of abuse, death mention

jimmy bae / bae jihoon

⋆ jihoon’s family is pretty small, with it just being him and his grandma. his parents haven’t been in his life for a long time, so his relationship with them is strained, to say the least-

⋆ his parents weren’t ready for a kid when they had him, nor was their marriage the most loving; lots of fighting, both verbal and physical. he was often at school or with his grandma, so he wasn’t too exposed to it, but it affected him nonetheless ;; when he showed up to his grandma’s with a bruised wrist, she moved him in with her w/ the promise that she'd always keep him safe

⋆ she's tried her best to give him a good life and while he struggles w/ expressing it, he's incredibly grateful; she's one of the few people he doesn't give shit to lol

⋆ they spend plenty of time together when jihoon isn't busy !! his favorite thing to do after a long day is watch late-night tv together, while enjoying some of his granny's homemade samgyetang (he's totally not a grandma's boy, but he loves her cooking over anything else lol). helps her in the kitchen p often, be it cooking or baking; he says it's so he's not living off convenience store food when he's older, but in reality ?? he likes how rewarding it is when the food comes out right :))

⋆ plus, the silly conversations they have are v comforting~

⋆ he'll never say it, but deep down he wishes things with his parents were different. he acts like he doesn't give a fuck, that he's better off anyway, yet secretly yearns for their love ;;; its part of his pride as he wants to prove — not just to them, but to himself — that he's stronger without them, while simultaneously wishing they'd even care

⋆ grandma bae always reminds him of how special and loved he is, tho :(( and despite how he feels, jihoon wouldn't want to be raised by anyone else~

jake ji / ji hakho

⋆ we already know about kenny, but i still wanted to write a bit about the rest of the ji family sooo !! 

⋆ it's just them and their momma ! their dad walked out a few years back, right before kenny joined manwol and the whole incident ;; they've seen him once or twice since, for holidays, but even that was over a year ago- both are still coming to terms with it, since they adored their dad so much ;; hakho especially, who can't help but feel abandoned

⋆ the only person he confides in about his troubles (other than dean) is his brother; he trusts him more because he can relate to him in ways his friends can't, and kenny gives the best advice, so he feels there's nobody he can rely on more :(( bc he admires him so much, kenny's approval is also important to hakho, who feels guilty for getting involved in delinquent gang shit despite how desperately kenny tried protecting him from it ;; he wants nothing more than to make him proud, but right now ?? he fears he's only letting him down

⋆ little does he know that kenny loves + supports him regardless, because what kinda brother would he be if he didn't ??

⋆ they have an alright relationship with their mom- their dad was the main parent, while mom worked full-time, so she never had time to really bond with the boys ;; now, being a single parent, it's made it all the more apparent just how absent she's been. she's trying her best to be more involved, though it's hard ;; she often gets frustrated because she wants them to stop getting in trouble and just . be what she wants; what she fails to realize is that they're going to make mistakes, and they're depending on her for guidance and understanding :// she'll come around eventually, but...

⋆ they do have a dog !! he's 6-7 years old + was kenny's dog first, so he's more attached to him than hakho lol ;; he's a super energetic German Shepherd named ddori, and they're currently training him to be something of a service pet, to help out kenny during his recovery :))) it works out well, since lil ddori loves having tasks to do (and it keeps him from making messes lol)

⋆ overall their home life is very simple !! hakho often hopes that his life will miraculously go back to how it was before his dad left, although it won't change everything with kenny ;; he knows it's a moot point, but a part of him will always being wishing — and waiting — for things to be "normal" again ,,,

wolf keum / keum seongje

⋆ maybe it’s just me, but seongje has always seemed like an older brother; to a younger sister, specifically (like . elementary school age) :D

⋆ she looks like a mini version of him: she’s got darker hair but it’s as unruly as his, and her eyes are a copy-paste of his own- the only thing she didn’t get is his personality, which is probably for the best :,) 

⋆ they were closer when seongje was little, although he wasn’t excited to be a brother at first- i imagine he was the kid who didn’t want siblings because then they'd get all the attention lol, but once he met his sister, his opinion changed very quick :)) because their parents were often busy with work (i see them as business people, like ceos or whatnot), he helped take care of her: made sure she was fed, got to school safe, etc.~ they didn't play toys or games together, because she'd always cry when she lost, but they had a sweet lil bond :((

⋆ during middle school he grew isolated from his family. his relationship with his parents wasn't the best, since they had their own plans for him as the eldest, and the weight of them was incredibly suffocating ;; his dad was always the worst about it, becoming verbally abusive when seongje didn't keep up with his expectations. it's all the more reason for him to hate being controlled by others, since it only reminds him of how stifling his parents are

⋆ but now, with all the fighting and drinking/smoking and shit, they're just.. disappointed. his mom is a little more forgiving because she still sees him as her baby, but his dad ?? not so much ,, he tries picking fights about it constantly, but seongje doesn't bother responding (and honestly ? he gave up trying to please them a longgg time ago)

⋆ a part of him wishes he hadn't pulled away from his sister, too, but he thinks there's no point in trying to be a "good" brother now- she still talks to him about her week and seongje (either out of habit or genuine care) makes her breakfast on the weekdays, when it's just the two of them. it's always something simple, like cereal or toast, but it's thoughtful :) he knows he'll never be someone she can look up to, but he's trying, in his own little ways~

forrest lee / lee sehan

⋆ he’s one of two kids (+ a puppy) born to a very doting set of parents :(( there's only a two-year difference between him and his little brother, but they act like oil and water- probably because his lil bro is the spoiled one, so he acts wayyy less mature than he should be

⋆ sehan looks out for him tho !! despite all their petty fights and rough-housing, he cares about him. so if ppl at school are giving him a hard time, or if he’s struggling with something, he always knows he can turn to sehan for some brotherly advice~

⋆ has a good relationship w/ his parents, too ! his mom works as teacher so she's a stickler about grades, but it actually benefits him bc he can always get her help with homework or whatnot. (tho she never does it for him lmao) he’s actually smarter than he seems bc of this :,) not an honor student or anything, but his parents are proud of him nonetheless~

⋆ his dad is a stay-at-home father who adores his kids v much !! he regularly showers them w/ gifts and tons of affection; he's not very good with saying "no" to them, either, so the two end up having plenty of leeway lol- the only thing their parents don't like is seeing sehan come home all bruised and bloodied — they can't help but worry !! they think he's being bullied and is too embarrassed to tell them buttt ,, if only they knew :,)

⋆ their puppy is a one year-old Jindo named bokdungi :(( he's a rescue dog and veryyy shy. however, lil bokdungi is pretty attached to sehan~ is typically found laying by his feet during dinner or cuddling w/ him on the couch while he watches tv (probably some mystery/crime drama, i can see him and his dad enjoying shows like that together loll)

⋆ overall he's got a good life and a happy family to support him :)) he often worries that they'll find out about the union and be disappointed — or worse,, but he tries not the think about it, and just enjoys how peaceful their home is right now

donald na / na baekjin

⋆ poor baekjin ,,,, he's been on his own for years now, so i don't think he has much family to talk about

⋆ his childhood was rough. love and stability were foreign concepts in his house, since his father was very abusive towards him and his mom — verbally and especially physically ;; it didn't help that his classmates were no different, so it seemed wherever he turned, there was always someone in his life letting him down

⋆ of course, his mom tried her best to support him. she was unemployed, but what little money she had she would spend on him ;; it wasn't fancy, only matchbox cars or toys from quarter machines, but baekjin cherished them nonetheless :(( his dad often broke them during his outburts, so baekjin would hide them until that also stopped working; the only one he has left is a mini figurine (probably some cartoon character knockoff, lol) that rests in his nightstand, for safekeeping ofc

⋆ his mom would bake often, too !! they didn't have much for food, but his mom was good at making breads and pastries from scratch, and he loved watching her do it ;; it's some of the only peaceful memories he has. probably why he's such a bread fiend now lol, but no matter how great the bakery ones are, they're just... not the same as his mom's ,,

⋆ despite this, there isn't much he can look back on fondly;; his dad had a lot of problems (i feel like alcoholism, but probably a lot of anger issues + narcissism as well) that he never dealt with, and instead inflicted his frustration onto baekjin and his mom ;; and while she tried to protect him when she could, she couldn't save him from it completely. it fucked him up, severely. so even those few good memories are hard to enjoy without all sorts of conflicting emotions bubbling up to surface

⋆ as for the rest of his family ?? he isn't close with them. his father kinda isolated them from both sides of the family, as a lot of abusers do, so he never got a chance to really know them ;; his uncle tried, though ! he'd send him birthday + christmas gifts, and would visit every so often, but they fell out of contact once baekjin escaped his situation :(( he knows he could seek him out and actually build an uncle-nephew bond w/ him, but he's so preoccupied with the union + depending solely on himself that he sees no point in relying on family now ;;

⋆ which is a shame, because if he did turn to them, his uncle and aunt would be more than willing to let him into their lives and show him how loving + nurturing a home can be :((

⋆ but for now, it's just him; and to baekjin, he's much better off that way

joo hwangmo

⋆ hwangmo enthusiasts… ARISEEEEE !!!!!!

⋆ hwangmo is a mommas boy i fear :( it's been the two of them his whole life, since his dad wanted nothing to do with raising him. it bugged him more when he was little bc he didn’t understand why his dad wasn’t around and thought it was his fault, but he's not as hurt now

⋆ has a lot of respect towards his mom for being a single, working mother :(( she raised him to be responsible, so he does his best to make her life a little easier lol + it's his way of appreciating her. helps out a lot around the house, cleans up after himself, cooks dinner once a week, etc- she still makes his lunches, tho :,)

⋆ they have a good relationship tho !! they try and make time to go out and do fun things like karaoke or bowling~ his mom worked in a salon for years, so he lets her practice on his hair so her skills don't get rusty, lol- he tries to hide all the fights he gets into, but his mom's intuition is stronger than he thinks. she doesn't bug him about it, because he's a good kid otherwise, but she worries ;;

⋆ is also really close with his grandparents !! his grandpa more-so, since he's always been a father-figure to hwangmo. he's the first person hwangmo goes to for advice, and some of his fondest memories are from going fishing with him as a kid :((( his grandparents moved to the countryside not long ago, but he stays with them during school vacations, or calls them once in a while to chat

⋆ no siblings, but he does have a really old, chunky Himalayan cat named geureumi to fill the void :,) she's friendly but a lil toooo clingy. hwangmo doesn't mind, but bc she sleeps by his legs at night, he worrries about kicking her off the bed by accident-

hayden ma / ma seokhee

⋆ DEF an only child, and a spoiled one at that- 

⋆ his mom and dad both work in the health/beauty industry ! his dad as an mua and his mom as an esthetician. when he was little he would often follow his dad to work (who begrudingly let him-) and found the amount of effort and creativity put into makeup to be super fascinating~

⋆ an aside; because of this, seokhee for sure fux around with makeup- like. yes he canonly wears black lipstick but you can’t tell me he doesn’t spend 15 minutes every morning putting on eyeliner + concealer too… i feel like his parents encouraged his self-expression from a young age, even thru all his weird phases :,) that being said, he’ll never admit that he moonlights as an mua; took him until the end of middle school to own up to the lipstick, only because he spent the first years trying to convince everyone that “no it’s just how my lips look, i swear-”

⋆ his parents divorced when he was in middle school ;; his dad has custody, but he stays with his mom on the weekends + holidays/vacation. he likes living with her more than his dad because she actually cares about him ;; his dad is a workaholic and just... isn't that interested in seokhee's life :// very emotionally distant; he tries buying his love with expensive gifts, but what seokhee really wants is for him to ask about his day, or listen when he talks ,,, it's kinda why he's so desperate for attention and feeling included, because he doesn't get that at home (and also he's just really arrogant...)

⋆ his mom is better about parenting him, tho. maybe not as involved as she could be, but she doesn't take the time she gets with him for granted :)) they often go on trips when he's out of school !! not super far, but he enjoys getting away and spending time together~ his favorite place they've gone is Jeju Island; they visited the waterfalls there not long after his parents' divorce and it was... comforting, in a way

⋆ his dad has a Bichon Frise named heoni ! her and seokhee do NOT get along, unfortunately ;; he was a stupid kid and played w/ her too much, and so she bit off a chunk of his finger off in return :/// he's tried making it up to her by giving her toys and treats but... she's not having it-

⋆ once he's older, he realizes just how shitty he was to his parents at times, and part of him regrets being so difficult- he's not good with apologies, so he never actually says "sorry", but he tries making up for it by being a little less selfish and a little more appreciative-

—

BONUS~

myles joo / joo seungjin

⋆ he’s cursed to be the middle child... has two brothers — though they're not as close as they once were — and they all live together with their dad who works as a store manager !

⋆ their mom died when seungjin was in elementary school;; it was a freak accident, so his memory of it is fuzzy, but it was the catalyst to their bonds dwindling. they all handled their grief differently, so while his brothers chose to move on over time, seungjin acted out instead

⋆ he used to really look up to his older brother; they would shoot hoops together and stay up late playing video games, until they’d get chased into their rooms by their v disgruntled dad- now his brother’s busy with college and whatnot, so it’s hard for them to see eye-to-eye ;; deep down, seungjin’s brother wants him to stop w the whole delinquent shit, and seungjin just wants his brother to understand him for once — but neither are good communicators ://

⋆ their dad isn't great, either;; he's always put his attention towards seungjin's brothers, never caring about what seungjin did unless it was something he could complain about. he's always overlooked him, so seungjin figures that if it (or he) doesn't matter anyway, he'll just do as he pleases. his dad bitches about it, but never actually does anything; to him, it's just a lost cause ://

⋆ their lil bro is a sweetie tho !!! thinks seungjin is a total badass bc of the fights he gets into, even when he loses- also thinks his hair is cool; loves watching him dye it while being totally mesmerized loll (keeps asking him to dye his hair, too, but big bro refuses ... he's pissed their dad off enough already)- he follows him around like a lost puppy, whenever seungjin is actually home ;; he doesn't really get why, but he knows he was probably just as annoying at that age, so while he grumbles about how clingy he is, he tries to appreciate it :,) (though he wishes he could be a better example, like their older brother was for him)

⋆ the only time they all get along is when visiting their mom's memorial. it's hard on them, no matter how long ago it happened;; seungjin especially, since he never truly dealt with her passing. it's one of the few times he's vulnerable with his family, and vulnerable with himself — though it took him forever to get to that point. he'll accept it, eventually, but he's not sure he can let go ;;

#weak hero #weak hero webtoon #wolf keum #jimmy bae #donald na #jake ji #forrest lee #myles joo #hwangmo joo #hayden ma #weak hero headcanons

[peachymilkandcream]

My mind is filled with au ideas lol. So how about an au where Evelyn is a princess in a rival Kingdom and they are at war with Levi's Kingdom. Levi wins the war and Evelyn gets captured. He decides to keep her as his concubine as a final "fuck you" to his enemy. He liked the idea of humiliating his enemy's daughter by making her his slut but it also helped that she was pretty.

Levi x Evelyn AU -> Kingdom of Ash And Greed

(A/N: Anon out here rotting in their own brain with AU ideas, I don't know anymore if I'm enabling or helping XD But I'll keep providing regardless ;) Also we get to see slightly bimbo Evelyn and I'm here for it. This one is going to be a smidgey smidge more fucked than normal Levi so please please please read the warnings! I'm doing my due diligence letting you know what's in it do yours and read em before continuing!)

WARNINGS: implied noncon/dubcon, big age difference, kidnapping, slavery, violence, power imbalance, implied somnophilia, forced pregnancies, mind breaking, yandere behaviour, yandere themes, etc.

==========================================

Years of war and terror finally came to an end, all of Evelyn's teenage years she remembered thinking of the fighting in the East that took so many brave young men from their homes only to be mutilated on the battlefield. Her father, the king, had been drained from it, too old to fight he took pride in his only child, the miracle baby after too many years of infertility. She had watched her father become grey and depressed as the rival king's armies continued to push forward, she had heard rumours that the king was a mighty warrior himself, his bloodlust on the battlefield unmatched. All lived in fear of him, some of her father's advisors were so terrified they begged the king to offer her up in marriage as a plea for mercy. Thankfully he refused, claiming that as long as he had breath his daughter would not be in the hands of such a monster.

Now as the fires raged outside of her castle home Evelyn almost half-wished he had made the deal.

Chaos swarmed the scene below, blood and flames created the awful smell of burning flesh. Evelyn was frozen in fear, looking out that window until her mother grabbed her hand and pulled her along.

"Come quickly dear, we've got to get you out of here before they find you."

"Why Mama? What are they going to do?"

"No telling, that devil king is as ruthless as they come. He could slaughter us all without breaking a sweat-"

Evelyn followed her mother down the twisted and dark secret passageways that she used to explore as a child, how long ago that was, when the days were carefree and easy. Death and bloodshed weren't a part of her thought process, only daydreaming about a prince who would come and marry her.

She snapped back to reality to keep focused on all the turns that her mother led her through, if she didn't have her wits about her she'd get lost in the endless maze. Hope soared as light appeared at the end of the tunnel, they were going to be alright, they would survive this.

Or so she thought until rough hands grabbed her, Evelyn screamed but a hand over her mouth quickly shut her up.

She was dragged towards the castle steps, thrown to the ground like a cheap doll, her chin hitting the stone. Trying to stand only led to being pushed back with a leather boot on her head. Evelyn dared to sneak a peek at her captor, staring into the cold and dead eyes of their rival king. His jet black hair rustled slightly in the wind, his grey eye only slightly different than the blind one. The ugly and crude scar on his face ran from his forehead to chin, a second and smaller one just behind. Who could've had enough skill to wound him that severely was beyond her imagination.

He was covered in blood, his red and black robes practically dipped in it. He sneered at her, taking in her appearance, it felt like he was judging each of her sins.

A few feet away stood her parents, in the same shape she was, held back and terrified, forced to kneel before this monster of a man.

"So Fritz, it seems like we can finally put this bloodbath to an end." He spoke, his voice low and smooth as his gaze shifted from them to her. "I guess your bitch did manage to give you an heir." His sword made her tilt her chin up. "And not a bad looking one at that."

"I'm begging you, do what you will with me, just please don't hurt my daughter. She's still just a child-"

"She looks old enough to me." Levi seems to consider something for a moment before nodding to his guards. "Take her."

They lift Evelyn up, dragging her to a horse, despite her fighting back.

"Please don't I'll give you anything-"

"You should've thought of that before coming against me."

She's set on the front of a horse, Levi saddling behind her, it all happened so fast, what could she do? She was being stripped of everything she knew and held dear in an instant. Fighting was pointless, he would kill her without thought or remorse.

He turned to face her sobbing parents one more time. "Take comfort in the fact I won't kill her, your one and only heir will be nothing more than a breeding bitch in heat, made to warm my bed and have my children. Your grandchildren will sit on my throne one day and rule over the greatest nation known to man. Your legacy will live on, through my blood and seed." He chuckles. "May your days be filled with rot and suffering."

With that he rides off, one hand protectively holding her across the waist, his breath was hot and heavy in her ear, and she couldn't tell whether hardness against her bottom was the saddle or something else.

============================================

His kingdom was as cold and grey as he was, but nothing compared to the hell that was his chambers.

The first night she had lost her innocence to him, she had dreamed of it being different, sweet and romantic. Levi took what was his without a second thought, her beautiful dress ripped to shreds, forced to live day in and day out with nothing to cover her shame. When she wasn't warming his bed she was forced to work and clean, never having a moments rest from his mockery and lust. He spit on her, beat her, whatever it took to humiliate her. She even had the suspicion that he waited until she collapsed with exhaustion to do more vile and defiled things to her.

Unlike her mother, Evelyn was very fertile, popping out children left and right. His behaviour didn't change with her pregnancies, remaining the cold and disgusting ruler she knew him as. His subjects lived in fear of him, and she was less than that, a slave, a tool, forced to carry his children. They were taken from her once they were weaned, starting the cycle all over again.

She was once a princess, now nothing. A warm body for this cold and despicable man until she took her last breath.

#attack on titan #break me slowly #levi ackerman #levi aot #levi x oc #levi x reader #shingeki no kyojin #yandere levi #yandere levi ackerman #yandere levi x reader

[whyshedisappeared]

How do you stand this website being so evil and ignorant and blind to reality? Every day I feel like I block dozens of people, and I've lost a ton of followers (not that they're really a loss, antisemites and terrorism supporters gtfo, BUT the depressing part is having to know that many mutuals and followers were antisemitic and full of hate all along). It feels hopeless and I want to delete.

thb I feel like im screaming into a void. the only people who interact with my posts about the war are Israelis and Jewish. and even they only like them and don't reblog.

I feel like im just surviving one hour at a time.

as to your original question, first of all I filtered the tags free pal*stine and pal*stine. i don't know how long you've been here, but I've had this account since 2012. I've been here during protective edge, during the almost war in 2021. I'm honestly used to the feeling of being isolated and called a monster because I don't want to die. I've had more than one person I thought were my friend essentially ask me to justify my right to live and when I didn't beg them to believe me that I'm not a monster and I actually support hamas and blah blah blah they blocked me. I lost over 200 followers, I blocked even more.

I see people wishing soldiers death knowing that my little brother is in the south, keeping people safe, having to lay on the ground more times than I would like to think while missiles shoot over his head. to the point that while on the phone with him there were missiles launched, he saw the trajectory and said "oh there's an alert in tel aviv" and 10 seconds later we saw tel aviv in the alarm list.

I'm going to my 6th funeral tomorrow, where two girls from my choir who lost their dad. I went to a funeral of a 23 yo childhood friend who was killed in kfar aza. another of a 25yo big brother of another childhood friend who was killed in gaza. to one of a 23 yo old guy who was with my brother in the volleyball team and my brother couldn't go so we went for him. to one of a 23 yo girl who went to the party and helped my brother for years with his bagruyot. to the funeral of an honorary uncle whose sister and her husband were murdered (to the point their limbs had to be gathers and they could only be identified with dna) while protecting their 21, 19, 16 yo kids safe. their kids lied in their parents' blood for 10 hours under the bed waiting to be rescued.

if people refuse to believe us, if they believe hamas are justified in their actions, I don't want anything to do with them. I'm ashamed of ever thinking they were nice people I wanted to interact with. I don't want them on my dash, or my blog, or anywhere near me.

I post so much about the war to force people to see the truth. and I will never be quiet about it. the youngest child kidnapped is no longer 9 months old, he's 10 months old. how can a baby be an occupiar? support an apartheid? support genocide? forget the fact that it isn't the truth. how can a 3 year old be a bad person? she's 3. if you can justify hamas' actions, I don't want anything to do with you.

I sometimes go to specific tags if I need to escape a little and I'm seeing a little too much about the war. I don't always have it in me to go and block and deal with it. and to be honest, I found who my real friends are and i learned about some new people who see the truth and it's great to know who the people I can trust are.

unfortunately the truth of being an Israeli jew is having hypocrits wish you happy Hanukkah and then when it actually matters, when your life is on the line (literally) wish for your death and celebrate it. the joys of being so detached from here that you don't even realise these are real people living through the most extreme life or death situation and you have the luxury of giving people lectures as if you know anything because you read a cute little 3 word comics on Instagram so now you consider yourself an expert.

all of this is to say, moderation is key. fuck nazis and I wish everyone who support hamas a miserable, sad (and long) life. use this as an opportunity to learn who your real friends are and fuck the rest of them. they aren't worth your time and effort, when all they wish for is your death.

#personal #ask #anonymous #asks like these are the reason im happy i turned anon back on #this came out longer than i expected and is probably not very coherent but im too lazy to read through this and make it make more sense

[howlingday]

Setting - Jaune is a stand-up comedian. Yes, again. This time, for his bit, he's asked for customly tailored outfit like his nephew.

Jaune: (Toddles on stage, Crowd applauds) Hello! I'm Adrian! Did you enjoy your quiet intermission from my uncle's funny show? (Crowd cheers) Am I cute? (Crowd cheers) Yeah, yeah, of course I am.

Jaune: But I'm also REALLY racist!

Jaune: Yeah, because all babies, without exception, are racist against anyone that isn't like them. So we come out naturally with a fear of those we don't recognize.

Jaune: And for all the parents out there going, "My babbies not racist!" I'M TALKING SPECIFICALLY TO YOU AND YOUR RACIST FUCKING BABY!

Jaune: But to be fair, it's not like anyone has given me an alternative to this method of thinking. Everybody from the shrines and altars to... Schnee Dust Company ads... They all pretty much reinforce the idea that different means wrong.

Jaune: Which is why I'm ALSO super homophobic! And that's kind of a bummer, because I actually find a couple of boys at my pre-school really cute. I've, uh, even fooled around and held hands with some of them, and everybody's made it pretty clear that's something to be frowned upon.

Jaune: But I also like girls, so I'm probably okay, so long as I, you know, put all my eggs into that basket. Save myself the ridicule of being ostracized by my peers and those above me.

Jaune: Aw, but I'm still learning! Being a little sucker for information~! Just CHWOOOOP! Really get that information and CHWOOOP! Make my own opinions. CHWOOP! CHWOOP! CHWOOP!

Jaune: And I'm not expecting to be, you know, protected from reality, but I do wish people would give me some context for what's going on. Words mean things, right?

Jaune: And words can mean different things for different people, based on that context. Words like, "hope," could bring only despair. "Settlement" might mean, "expansion" to an Atlesian, and "invasion" to a Menagerien. "Gluten" might mean a small selection on a menu of foods we can and cannot eat, and HILARITY for the rest of us!

Jaune: But I'm still a baby, so I'll probably, hopefully, do some compassionate research on these subjects so I can make the right decision on what matters that could affect both my life and the lives of those around me.

Jaune: (Sits down) I don't know... It's... It's too hard, sometimes, you know?

Jaune: (Looks down) I-I just don't know.... You know? I don't...

Jaune: (Sighs)

???: (Fusses)

Jaune: (Snaps his head up)

Jaune: ...Was that a racist baby?

Jaune: ...I didn't plan that. That just worked perfectly. (Chuckles) But it's hard being little, though, isn't it, baby? It's... tricky, and hard, and there's just... a lot going on. CHWOOM! Lot of pressure, and it's on you, and you just... never do enough.

Jaune: I want to be a successful grown-up, like everyone else around me. I want... I want to make my parents proud. I want to be happy. I...

Jaune: (Sniffs) I want to be a good person. Live in a big house with a wife and kids. Work a good job that I like. Because these are things that I was told MAKE a good grown-up, and I want that to be me. So that when I have a kid, they can... they can look up and be proud of me...

Jaune: ...

Jaune: ...I don't want to be one of those cliff jumpers who DON'T have a landing strategy! (Audience laughs)

#rwby #randy feltface #jaune arc

[floosies]

Radio

early 2000s au

eddie munson x fem!oc

warnings: mentions of drugs, cursing, eventual smut, mentions of abuse, friends to lovers 18+

a/n: i just wanna say this fic is an ode to what i wish i could have be doing in the early 2000s if I hadn't been in elementary school. i know alot of us twenty somethings wish we would have been older than we were.

Sophomore year, 2007

Eddie had repeated the eighth grade, so when he started high school, he should have been sophomore, but his uncle was determined that kid needed to be held back, his teachers too, he's wasn't stupid but living with his dad in the early years of his childhood had fucked with his education. He either did or didn't go depending if his dad was on the run for jacking a car or something. So much for no child left behind, and in Hawkins of all places, they would hold him back as much as they could, not just in school, but in life too. Most of the student body saw him as trailer trash and nothing more. His uncle had taken him in before he entered middle school, and while he tried his best to stay out of trouble, he wasn't gonna let assholes bad mouth the only real father figure he had.

It didn't matter though, he'd gotten his shit somewhat together to get into high school. Barely passing and not really caring, he wanted to at least try and get his diploma for his uncle's sake. System of a down was blasting from his best friend's room. He'd known Jeff for some time and even though his parents didn't like the 'influence' Eddie had on him, he was thankful for him. Jeff had been one of the few kids who actually thought Eddie was cool. They'd been friends since, and he was kind enough to let him hang at his place afterschool, where'd they'd use his computer to post band stuff and update their myspace accounts.

Today though Ed had gotten lucky. He'd jacked some kid's locker and scored an ipod in there. Sure stealing was wrong, but he was broke, too broke at least to afford an ipod. He'd spent the summer trying not to get caught working for his dad's friend to make enough for the iphone. It was easy money in reality, but he knew his uncle wouldn't have been happy to know he was selling drugs to people. The phone was easier to hide than what'd he'd been up to in the summer, even then he still sold every once in a while. Band equipment and his car were never ending needs he had to deal with.

The plan had always been the band, he'd learned to play the guitar on his own accord, rock music was his home away from home. It helped having friends like Jeff who understood what music was really about. Anything they ever earned at a gig was saved in a one of those gallon jugs, they were midway but the hope was to make enough to get to LA or New York and get a studio session. Their live demos and shotty youtube videos got them some online views but not enough to call the attention of anyone yet.

-

Julie had a whole different life from his. Her parents were loving sociopaths, who controlled her life as best they could. Nevertheless, it didn't do much. She would still sneak around and hang at house parties on the weekends or get drunk at sleepovers with her best friend. She was well known online as a party girl and whether it was her myspace or livejournal she had somewhat of a following for her antics.

At most she was thankful her parents had no clue about the internet. They'd gotten her a digital camera and an ipod with no clue what she really did with them. They were naive at best but could be ruthless at worst. They'd take away her things for months on end if they felt she had been on some sort of weird or rude behavior. It didn't stop her though. Despite her popularity online, in school it was a whole quieter ordeal. Sure she was known, but people only want to associate with others under certain circumstances. Her group was small, and the outfits she'd wear on a friday night weren't what'd she'd been seen in on a monday morning in class.

She wasn't a genius by any length but she wasn't an idiot, she was getting by with decent grades and fake persona for her teachers and parents. It's the only thing she had to keep them from really looking into who she really was, or was at least trying to be.

-

Blame the internet, they met through their myspace accounts. She had mentioned one of their songs or more like she was looking for one of their songs because they had played at a party she had gone to the weekend before. Eddie couldn't believe he didn't know her, they went to the same high school and were in the same grade. They started talking almost immediately, about everything and anything.

It didn't take long for cellphone numbers to be exchanged and to agree to finally meet at lunch. She had told him not to ditch for her lunch period but he didn't really care about it. To Eddie she was someone who finally understood what he was trying to do here. They were both surprised when they finally met up, she swore she could feel her heart racing out of her chest. It was one thing to talk on the phone or through text, but being actually with him felt like something else.

He felt the same way about near her, she had mentioned to him that he probably didn't recognize her because she wasn't wearing the kind of stuff she usually wore on the weekends out. Its what they ended up talking about that whole lunch period, about how few moments they had where they could really be themselves. Only difference is Julie still felt her parents held the control in her life. That's something Eddie no longer tied him down. Still, he felt for her, from their long talks on the phone and at lunch, he was getting to know this girl for who she really was and that mattered to him. He even ended up walking her to class.

Her friends did give her a couple of glances when she walked into class that day. Questions on why she was hanging out with him and who even was he? One of her classmates heard her mention his name and said Eddie had always been chaotic and liked to start shit for fun. Sure she could have listened to them, but all the stuff they were saying didn't matter because she knew him well enough after a month or so of talking to him, to know that if he came off that way it was intentional.

From that point on, they would try to hang out as much as they could. Parties and after school days when she would go over to his place, despite him initially saying that she probably wouldn't wanna be seen at a trailer park. She honestly didn't care, all that mattered was not being near her hellhole house and that she was able to do her homework. Meanwhile he played guitar hero for her and showed her songs he was working on. Every now and then she would try and get him to do his homework too, which would in turn lead to them not doing anything because he'd use anything as a means of distraction.

Then there was a week when he got suspended for accidentally bringing a pocket knife to school. He told her he had been helping his uncle fix up a patch on the roof and forgot he had left the knife in his jeans pocket but they probably just wanted an excuse to get him out of their hair. His teachers ended up confused when she showed up that week asking for the notes and missing assignments he would have. Maybe she shouldn't have but she did them for him and when they met up on friday night she handed them in exchange for a couple of pre rolled joints and some tabs.

He watched as she went off with her girlfriends that night and got blacked out. They were only getting to know each other though, he didn't wanna overstep anything with her, but he made sure she got home alright. The following Monday it was as if it had never happened and he didn't really mind.

Sophomore year had been a trial and error of getting to know each other and figuring out how the friendship would work. By the summer they had it down, they were comfortable enough with each other to not really care too deeply about things, but also were practically glued to one another. She met the rest of the band and his other friends. She'd shoot their sets for them and post them on their youtube, hell she even added them to her top five. Of course everyone around them could see that there was more going on between the two but neither Eddie nor Julie were going to ruin whatever they had going on already to start something intimate.

#stranger things #eddie munson #2000s au #joseph quinn

[whenthechickencry]

Umineko EP4. Replay Part 4

This must have hurt Maria a lot even if Ange didn't mean anything bad by it... kids are really cruel to things they can't understand often.

I am pretty sure cage made of flesh is explicit wording used by Beatrice before too!

This is Ange at her most raw so far, she doesn't want to live. She doesn't want to keep going. She has no one on her side,,,,

And now we go back to Maria having her own breakdown over Ange's word to remind us that Maria truly is miserable. Having a 9? 8 at this point maybe? year old describe living as holding out is so heartbreaking....

It is interesting to see the contrast in how Maria and Ange do with magic when they are faced with a bad situation - Ange starts denying it entirely and Maria instead leans harder into it ie believing the Good and the Bad Mama thing. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer as to which is better, though, both are harmful to both in certain ways.

Maria brings up how NOT LONELY she is so you know she really ISN'T LONELY did you know Maria is NOT LONELY.

Maria is fucked up but then when the police WAS contacted. It just caused Maria's situation to escalate... obviously, I am not saying the good thing to do was ignore this obviously neglected child. Still, sadly that's the fucked up reality of how it is in real life for a lot of children who finally have their abuse reported.

Tearing up again.... this episode certainly takes the cake in that regard....

And yet, no one really helped Maria.... I don't know exactly the situation with abused children in Japan but I always imagined Rosa used her connections and money in order to keep Maria with her.

If you think about how Maria is very likely autistic, this is all the more horrifying, not that it would be good either way, but having someone be punished and be considered their way of being just for the way they were born is just too harsh.

The smile with which she says this is so fucking horrifying.

Beatrice is under the belief that Rosa made the toy, too.... it's funny, if she knew she could probably get it replaced for her....

Even at her lowest, she is still trying to not hurt the Rosa in her brain, haha....

You can judge Sayo for teaching Maria 'bad coping mechanism' and while, yes, it's probably not ideal for a child to have such thoughts, all her positive coping mechanisms were removed forcefully from her, so what option did Maria really have....

She does end up rethreading to that "naive belief" once the harsh truth of her parents murder is presented to her and she wants an alternate truth....

Yeah like getting dunked by a group of ~10 year olds anyways what Amakusa is saying is extremely important and true otherwise, and Ange really wants to be at that point where she can be happy with/satisfy herself, even with all her faults and trauma.

Ange's coming to important realizations about magic and how she has hurt others, something Battler will realize soon enough too... though I think her general view is not really correct, it's not that Maria was truly self-actualized in her life, it's that she constantly lied to herself about being like that. But she needed someone to understand and help her as she is not someone that would try to change her or remove her coping mechanisms bc they are strange.

Some people feel that Ange is too self-actualized for her to go back as she did in ep8, but like, I don't agree. First of all the temptation to deny her parents the murderers is strong and second even here she is still trying to find ways for her to be the fault for an incident that happened when she was 6. She still desperately wishes for control for her life and is still probably considering killing herself on Rokkenjima.

This is, ironically after talks about hating Beatrice, the sort of understanding Sayo always wished for. For someone to not only be able to respect her and her interests but also understand the deeper pain that lead to it.

"And while still unfulfilled, she met with death," Sadly describes most of the Umineko cast and that's always hard for me to think about for me...

B-battler? Okay, I gues... I am not sure George will appreciate that statement but I am sure Shannon appreciates the hint that maybe you didn't forget her after all (crushed hope on the end of this chapter)

Eeugh, I mean, Jessica didn't mean anything by it but it's kind of a cruel thing to say with full context....

Oh, I forgot about this, I guess Sayo just did her Krauss act in front of Maria...

Was it Sayo? They did solve it on like 30 mins when they really tried.... Also the hammy and crazy version of Kinzo is kind of entertaining lol.

The irony of all of this coming out of Nanjo's mouth when he's currently being both bribed to hide the death of his Dear Friend and being bribed to assist in a murder is funny.

Damn uh, yeah uh, yeah sure.

Rosa can't even be assed to prop Maria up in any way haha.....

Maybe I am biased but I think this is 100% more Sayo's view than anything Kinzo ever remotely thought, the "hoping for a magical miracle" combined with the test that are done later being about love....

Aka DO NOT DISMISS EVERYTHING VIRGILIA SAID PLEASE

This is so fucking funny to me? Uwaaaaaaah.

Immediately setting up both Beato and Gaaps' relationship and Beatrice's relationship with Beato, damn!

#umiepisode4 #umineko

[just-a-poor-boy-queen]

Not going on anon for this one, wish me luck!

How the Bohrap movie should have been written:

Insight into Freddie's childhood and the hardships he endured at boarding school. Part of the reason Rocketman was so impactful was because it showed you how Elton was shaped from a young boy to adulthood, and how this added to his struggle with his identity. I know it's harder with Freddie, because we don't have any first hand accounts from him, but there are a few sources with info about what he went through, and even if it was just brief flashbacks scattered throughout, it would be much more impactful than just one scene were Freddie glances at a childhood photo.

Freddie's relationship with Rosemary. I swear, Rosemary gave such good insight into how Freddie struggled as a closeted gay man, and how he would drop hint after hint about his sexuality, only to be ignored or invalidated by the people around him. Show him crying after being intimate with her because he wants to be with a man, and she just doesn't get it. Show him making gay jokes in front of his friends and feeling hurt when he realises they don't get it. Show him running away when Rosemary tries to introduce him to her gay friends because facing the truth is too overwhelming, and nobody gets it.

Instead of presenting him as 100% straight until fame "corrupted" him (no, subtle glances at other men that last a millisecond don't count,) show him as a struggling gay man who is trapped in a heterosexual relationship with Mary, while clearly being interested in the same sex. IRL, Freddie was falling in love with men and looking to break up with Mary as early as 1972 and would ask other people to do it for him because he was too scared to do it himself. He wanted out.

Less downplay on Jer and Bomi's homophobia. They're sitting at the dinner table, watching Freddie try to play the part of Mr Heterosexual and they know none of it's real. Bonus points if Jer uses the line, "are you up to your old tricks again"?

Additional scenes - Freddie beginning to dress androgynously and wear make up, which his parents also disapproved of while he was living at home. (Not trying to demonise Jer and Bomi here, but this was Freddie's reality.)

We see Freddie face racism in the movie, but for some reason they really gloss over the homophobia. There are accounts of gay slurs being thrown at Freddie while onstage, someone criticising him for having feminine hands, his own roadies making homophobic jokes behind his back, etc. Stop pretending these things didn't happen because you don't want to acknowledge that Freddie was gay.

DAVID FUCKING MINNS - Freddie meeting him while dating Mary and falling head over heels. They begin their love affair and Freddie has to battle between his true feelings and what's expected of him. When they break up, Freddie is devastated, because that was his first proper relationship with a man and he was truly in love for the first time.

When Paul catches Freddie composing LOML, he asks "is it for Mary?" and Freddie says, "no, I just felt like writing a sad love song." Paul's all like, "well, it's called "Love of my Life", surely it's for your girlfriend?" and Freddie tells him to drop it. Nothing more is said, but there's enough indication for the audience to know that Freddie loves Mary, but he's not in love with her, and he can't keep pretending he is.

Sidenote: Paul knows this. He knows about David, he knows that Freddie is living a lie, and that it's making him miserable. Instead of making a move on him (fuck you, whoever's appalling decision that was), Paul tells Freddie he can't keep running from himself and encourages him to tell Mary the truth. (Because, you know, Paul was an asshole but he didn't deserved to be turned into the "evil gay" who "turned" Freddie in order to give the movie a villain. At one point, he was a close friend of Freddie and there's no doubt in my mind that he gave Freddie emotional support when he needed it.) Et voila. An impactful scene that still adheres to Hollywood clichés.

Show us the gay men who had a positive impact on Freddie's life. Elton John. Peter Straker. John Reid. Thor and the New York Sisters. There are more, but I'd be here a while.

Freddie actually having fun at gay clubs and blossoming into a happy, confident gay man. Yes, he had bad experiences too, and they should be explored. But would it kill them to show him having a good time in an LGBT space without turning the gay scene into a scary world of degeneracy?

JOE. FUCKING. FANELLI.

A brief look at Freddie's dating life with different men, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because he doesn't have a blueprint as to how healthy relationships should work, he thinks that abuse and jealousy are normal in a relationship and the only way to prove you truly love someone. When he meets Jim, this changes and he realises that he doesn't have to play mind games and be manipulative to be loved. Character development, yo.

An accurate representation of how Freddie and Jim met.

When Mary's had her segment, she fucks off and is only seen sparingly. Freddie is an adult and can survive without holding his ex-girlfriend's hand. The movie is about him, not her.

The Garden Lodge family getting up to shenanigans.

Give the other band members some fucking depth, Christ. Show Roger' and Freddie selling clothes at Kensington Market. Brian and Freddie having a heart to heart about the struggles of fame. John Deacon missing his family during a tour, and Freddie being a shoulder to cry on. Just something.

THE CATS. GIVE US MORE CATS. SHOW GOLIATH GOING AWOL AND EVERYONE IN GL FREAKING OUT. SHOW JIM BUYING FREDDIE A NEW KITTEN AND FREDDIE LOSING HIS SHIT. GIVE US A MONTAGE OF PHOEBE TRYING TO KEEP THE FELINES IN ORDER. GIVE US MORE CATS.

Freddie calling Jim his husband. The rings. The honeymoon in Japan. A montage of them being in a happy, committed relationship while a voice over of Freddie's interview with David Wigg plays over it.

Instead of the movie ending at Live Aid (never understood that decision) and ten minutes of my life with an unneeded re-enactment, end it with the filming of "These are the Days of our Lives." Freddie's been diagnosed, he puts on a brave face, all his loved ones are watching him perform for his final video. He ends with the words, "I still love you" to the audience. Fade to black. An emotional and beautiful ending to the film, not shying away from the illness that claimed Freddie's life, while not explicitly showing his death. (And, you know, it also doesn't imply that he deliberately infected Jim.)

A movie that acknowledges and embraces Freddie's experiences as a gay man living in a homophobic world, instead of demonising/straightwashing/ignoring his sexuality. And before some asshole says, "Freddie's sexuality doesn't matter, that shouldn't be the focus," it DOES fucking matter because his sexuality has been twisted, downplayed, and shamed for decades and it's really getting old. They had the opportunity to defend Freddie from the homophobes who say he brought his death on himself by getting involved in a "sinful" lifestyle, but all they did was reinforce that idea. They could have easily made a movie that focused on Freddie's music while also being respectful of the man he was.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.

Oof. Wow. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed reading this. And yes, I agree with all of your takes.

Perhaps, it wouldn’t have been possible to account for all the things you mentioned, but including even one of these would have made the film better than it was.

I will forever be pissed at the writers/makers, because the film is such a fucked up piece of cinema that, according to me, pays absolutely no tribute to Freddie. It enforces harmful stereotypes against gay men, propagates myths about Freddie’s sexuality, erases his struggles, elevates Mary fucking Austin to a saint like status, and reduces the most important relationship of his life to 2 seconds of screentime. Overall, the film is a fucking piece of garbage.

It is so clear that it was made only to earn money and win Oscars and not with the intention to celebrate Freddie. They achieved both of those things, so Freddie’s real story doesn’t matter to them at all.

Fuck the film. As @obsessivelollipoplalala recently said in one of her responses, I cannot read anything about the film without wanting to break or bite something.

#asks #borhap is a homophobic piece of garbage #you will never change my mind #absolute rubbish

[razzlee-meow]

i'm going on a short break.

uhm. things have not been going well.

i will be taking a short break (maybe a week, or so?) to get my shit back together and start working on writing again.

and while i'm at it, i'm going to explain what happened under the cut. there are triggering themes in here so please take caution when reading this.

my adoptive dad and i are not on the best terms and i don't think we'll ever be able to live how we used to.

i was very sheltered growing up (so much so that i only recently learned how to use the stove and washer, and i'm turning 19 this year) and a lot of how i act and the way i respond to things is based off what my adoptive mother did to me, and what my adoptive father *didn't* do.

i never knew how to do anything, and was considered "spoiled" by a lot of people but i don't look at it that way. i mean, sure, i had everything i needed and more but the one thing i can say i never truly had:

parents.

my adoptive mom was sick. like, she couldn't walk, sick. oftentimes i had to do a lot of shit for her. my adoptive father was always working. he was never home and when he was home, he'd never talk to me and go straight to bed.

my (adoptive) mom was really abusive. mentally, physically, you name it. and a lot of people excused it because of her "poor health". it grew so bad that i had started cutting my entire arm up. (i think i had over 100 of them, i counted. i was so angry that night.) she was allowed to do things to me that my real mom would fucking kill her for. she also touched me inappropriately for three years.

(she also pinned me to the bed to do smth to my face for some reason? i was screaming for help but the other family members looked at me like i was crazy. the only one who believes me is my real mom. i love her.)

she also screamed at me for wanting a men's shirt. a full-black shirt with the pac-man board on the back of it. ....alright. (she said if she saw me wearing it at the time, she'd rip it off me and burn it. i was like, 13.)

i also say "was" because she's dead. and i hate to say it but good fucking riddance. oh but razz, it's not right to speak ill of the dead. she wasn't a good person when she was alive, she sure isn't when she's dead.

my father found out about me cutting and told me to basically suck it up. we never talked about it again although it continued to happen for 4 more years. (thankfully, i'm three years clean now. :thumbs up:)

when mom died, a lot of responsibility fell onto him. i was 15 when she died.

and he still treated me as if i didn't exist.

i was never important to him, never someone worth caring but his own children were. and i hate to fuckin say it, but if i was his own child, he'd pay more attention to me.

i've asked him for stuff that should've been taught to me. how to prepare myself for real life, how to do things that he can show me, but he's so obsessed with his reality ("money is everything") that he doesn't seem to notice. or maybe he does but doesn't care.

don't get me wrong, i love him. he's been a father figure to me all my life. but...

he's accused me of being a thief multiple times (i was not), told me that i needed to be put in a mental institution, and said that i was basically good for nothing. he also canceled my therapy appointments without telling me, and misgenders me constantly even though i remind him and remind him that i'm trans. (i've been out to him for two years, and out to my family for one.)

i know that he's old. (he's 70.) i know that he forgets things but goddamn it, he remembers all of my sister's shit. why can't i be special?! why am i the failure kid?!

i wish i could make up with him but lord knows i'm not forgiving him. i will fucking cut him off. i don't care if i'm in his will anymore. he pulled the same "you'll be sorry when i'm dead" shit my mother used to pull and to that i say "FUCK YOU".

that's the main story of everything. i could get into much worse (i've been through everything) but that's enough venting for me. sorry if i've made anyone uncomfortable.

#razz-talks-about-heavy-shit #tw #vent #sorry for not writing :(