#given his hellish childhood I mean

[bangtanshelves]

JJK Fanfic Recos

Hi. These are some of the fanfics I've read.

I've read A LOT but I'll only be including the ones I really enjoyed reading.

I'm in the process of recollecting them, please bare with me.

I'm also updating this post often, so whenever I end finishing a fic I like I just post it here. hehe

💓 - Fluff ❤‍🩹 - angst 🥵 - smut 🚨 - violence/drugs 🤪 - crack ⭐ - fav 🎣 - latest addition to the list

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚. SERIES ⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

My Love is Here - @/solemnreads

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹 (so much angst, I love it), 🥵 summary: "You didn’t mean for it to happen. It’s not like you purposely woke up one day and thought “Hey I’m going to fall in love with my best friend!” No, that is not at all what happened."

Knife's Edge - @/readyplayerhobi

Completed ✅

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵, 🚨 The Jeon Clan is Family, built on blood and loyalty. It’s been an unspoken fact that one day you will marry the heir to the Clan, Jeon Jungkook. You would be a fool to deny that you love him, but what happens when you meet a blue haired man who offers you a chance at normality?

Four Seven Eight - @/jiminrings

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹 (fic made me cry) ,🥵 you’re secure when it comes to loving jungkook, knowing that your husband loves you beyond words. what you aren’t so secure about is his first love — someone who isn’t you.alternatively, jungkook’s married to you, but he still celebrates his anniversary with his ex out of sentimentality.

Close to you - @/muniimyg

Completed ✅ ⭐

genre: 💓, 🤪 It should've been easier than this, right?In which oc and Jungkook sleep together and he can't get over it.

Falling Skies - @/fortunexkookie

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 Jeon Jiyeon was your childhood best friend; her brother, Jungkook, was something else entirely. Once upon a time, she had called you her sun and him her moon; it was fitting, given the constant push-and-pull between you two. You used to consider him a friend, but then he had gone from endearingly frustrating dumb boy to card-carrying fuckboy so fast it had given you whiplash.

Please Love Me - @/ahunderedtimesover

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 As the only unmarried Jeon and Kim children, your families propose a union to symbolize your unbreakable bond that spans generations. But despite developing an affection for Jungkook growing up, he never returned it; he never seemed to like you, actually. You’re okay with the proposal, but surprise surprise, he isn’t.

Lowkey - @/xpeachesncream

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹, 🥵 In order to pass organic chemistry and pay off your car damages from an accident, all you have to do is help the nerd, Jeon Jungkook, with a few things: pretend to be his girlfriend and teach him the way of dating.

Hotter Than Hell - @/chateautae

Completed ✅ ⭐

Genre: ❤‍🩹, 🥵 Jungkook, Lucifer and king of hell, has been cast out of the crimson underworld for a reason he's unsure of. Embarking on his journey for the answers should've been easy, if it weren't for you, the human that nurses his wounded body in her home, and accidentally witnesses the truth of his identity. Kickstarting a hellish adventure with the devil himself, you discover Lucifer is the most infuriating company ever; and Jungkook finds out that maybe his answer to returning home lies within his annoying human confidant.

An Ode to a Broken Heart - @/smoochkooks

Ongoing... ✍

Genre: ❤‍🩹 (bro I've been crying over this fic for days), 🥵 (future smut)  you’ve watched jeon jungkook slip out of your reach your entire life. now it’s time for you to finally move on, bury the past and open a new chapter. however, you’re doing it in your own, unconventional way - by publishing anonymously a novel about your miserable relationship.

Mutual Help - @/personasintro

Ongoing... ✍ (this is also posted on AO3)

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 (damn... that's all i can say)  in order for you to pretend to be his girlfriend, he helps you with your sexual desires ⏤ he calls it mutual help

Way Back Home - @/solemnreads

Ongoing... ✍

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹 (please i really love angsty fics, fite me), 🥵

"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is" he asks you with tears in his eyes. You look down at the sight of your son with an oxygen mask on his face while your daughter is sleeping on the couch near the wall. You look into his eyes, broken, and sad. You've dreamt of this day for years, wondering how he would react. But here you are, hoping he could've meet the twins under different circumstances. "Yes... they're your children."

Strawberry Kisses - @/pixieknj

Ongoing... ✍

Genre: ❤‍🩹, 🥵 (Chapter 1 has been posted, but its something else) Jungkook is notoriously known as a f^ckboy who doesn’t eat p^ssy, until he finally gets alone with you…

⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚. ONE-SHOTS or TWO-SHOTS ⋅˚₊‧ ୨୧ ‧₊˚.

The Right Choice - @/honeytae

Genre: 💓 for as long as you've known Jungkook, you would think that you're witnessed all sides of him. But when you notice the way he's looking at you right now, you think you may be wrong about that.

Rainy Days - @/rklve

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 Your life choices left not only yours, but Jungkook's hear broken in pieces. Now you're back in town, and just like Pluto, even if its cold and dark he tends to orbit around his sun forever.

High Demand - @/bunnyhugs77

Genre: 💓, 🥵, 🚨 A modern day Romeo and Juliet

SOJU - @/hoseoksluna

Genre: ❤‍🩹,🥵 Jungkook gives you all that he has—his feelings, his dominance and his cum.

Lost & Found - @/kooktrash

Genre: ❤‍🩹 (if you squint), 🥵 your college years have never been something you dwelled on for too long. you didn’t want to think of all the chances you lost and that’s why when the guy you had a crush on moves back to town, you try not to let it affect you again. but then he brings up old memories that didn’t go the way you thought they had and you’re thrown for a loop. you’re stuck between finding something new with him and falling back into old habits of never standing up for yourself. it probably doesn’t help that he dated your best friend, where everything seemed to go wrong.

Bottle Up Old Love - @/wintaerbaer

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 Jungkook may have broken up with you a year ago, but that's not going to stop him from coming to your rescue when he sees you being cornered by a creep.

Pink Sapphire - @/jiminrings ⭐

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹(please I'm a sucker for this) ,🥵 Having Jungkook as a husband is great as far as arranged marriages could go; he's easy to love. Your relationship's perhaps become so easy that Jungkook doesn't think sometimes— and that's what makes it the easiest for you to hate him.

Will it fit? - @/jeonsweetpea

Genre: 💓, 🥵, 🤪, ❤‍🩹 (just a little bit) So what if your roommate caught you masturbating? At least he forgot about it the next day. But he can't exactly forget the big dildo you left in your shared bathroom...

Break up with your Boyfriend - @/spideyjimin

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 Jungkook, the campus fuckboy, has decided to make you his next victim, but you're far from being like any of his previous hookups. You're not single. You're actually in a very long-term relationship with Baekhyun, the man you consider the love of you life, but it's for sure something that won't stop Jungkook. He wants you, and he's going to do absolutely everything to have you, even falling in love.

Paint me naked - @/gimmethatagustd

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹,🥵 After the mysteriously hot guy in your university class starts taking an interest in you, should you really trust that he's not like all the other college fuckboys? Especially when his best friend is the guy who broke your heart?

I hate you, I love you - @j/ungblue 🎣

Genre: ❤‍🩹,🥵 You hated him at seven, warmed up to him at twelve, and liked him at fifteen. Now the two of you are twenty years old and inseparable best friends... and you're absolutely in love with him; he's in love too—just not with you.

How to Get a Guy - @/taeshobipop 🎣

Genre: 💓, ❤‍🩹, 🥵 Star basketball player Jeon Jungkook has a reputation as the ultimate fuckboi. He's loved by everyone. Everyone. And you would have followed suit if he had not broken all your strict Roommate Rules™ within the first week of his stay. Jungkook, on the other hand, thinks you're absolutely bizarre. But there's a silver lining— Mr. Fuckboi here knows basketball captain Min Yoongi, your dreadfully clueless crush. He strikes up a deal with you: he'll teach you the ways of flirting if you lessen your load of rules (so Jungook can continue persuing his way through the ladies on campus). Yet the longer Jungkook spends with you, the more he realizes that maybe he doesn't want to tbe the campus fuckboi anymore. The problem is, how does he prove that to you?

#jjk x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook fanfic #bts jungkook #jungkook fluff #jungkook angst #jungkook smut #jungkook imagine

[tendergraphite]

MADK, RYO SUZURI'S MASTERPEICE: MY RETROSPECTIVE.

Many who entered this series had an expectation as to how it would end. Now, why is this? Well—most Yaoi follow the same formula. Admittedly I’ve ingested the same 10 storylines in the genre 100 times over. That doesn’t even get into the niche of dark BL, which indeed is a rarer find.

An exceptional aspect of MADK is the seamless world-building. Where other Yaoi stick to slice of life, or pre-established worlds (Such as Omegaverse) This series is different, exploring the world of hell with a fresh storyline. Not to mention its shear raw use of emotion, which is hard to match with manga even outside the Yaoi genre (Heh, rawer than J's guts?)

Another notable aspect of MADK is its writor priority of story over fetish. In places where you would expect indulgence, you instead see plot growth take the front seat.

Unique Doujinshi/Yaoi authors such as Harada, and Nishin Masumi—Despite being some of the only dark BL creators, still follow the same typical romance story beats. Whatever resolution they come to; the main love interests still end up together.

But MADK is not like that, it is closer in depiction of obsession and lust to NBC’s Hannibal. An even closer comparison would be to Koogi’s Killing Stalking—Which is one of the most misunderstood stories the general media has discussed. Like MADK, Killing Stalking is mislabelled as a love story, when in reality it's cautionary horror.

With all that said, what is going on with MADK’s ending?

Character Analysis: Jonathan

Who Is J, And What Are His Motives?

J is one of the most powerful demons in all of hell, being an archduke. He had lived for 6 centuries, and during all that time looked for a successor. Demons cannot die from the erasure of their physical form; they can only die from either their name being forgotten entirely, or by speaking the name of a demon whose stronger than them.

J has been left unsurpassed for such a time, that his name has long since been forgotten. He wants to die, but not through those means—However, he did not want just anyone to surpass him, he was too prideful for that. No, he wanted someone worthy of such an act to speak his name. So instead of taking Makoto’s soul once it reached the peak of its desire, J reincarnates him into a demon, seeing his potential.

Our author does not hide what the ending will be, off the bat it’s revealed: Makoto will surpass J, we will not receive a happy ending. It's closer in greek tragedy than that of love, a destiny already written in the fabric of time, forever binding.

Throughout the entire story J is evaluating his pets’ capabilities, hardly giving him any guidance or truth (As, wouldn’t that make Makoto unworthy of surpassing him?) He finds Makoto amusing, nothing more.

Enter a 5-year time skip, and Makoto has discovered J’s name.

After J more than gladly accepted a hallucinogenic perfume from Makoto, he's forced to face his past. It is revealed he was a child prostitute, who after years in the slums was taken in by his mentor Wald.

However, due to his traumatic childhood, he could not see authority figures in a normal way outside of sex. So despite Wald’s attempt to be a Father figure, J only saw him as a potential romantic partner (Considering the hinted relationship between him and his older brother, I can’t imagen this helped his views on familial relations.)

We our only given bits and pieces of Wald’s death, but never truly the event itself. But considering the theme of repeating the same hellish cycle over and over again, one has to assume Jonathan’s death was a replica of Wald’s.

After reliving these memories, J admits it aloud. He wishes for someone who loves him to destroy him. He had wanted to be nobody, because without personhood he was untouchable. That was Wald’s curse, turning Jonathan into someone, making him touchable.

Character Analysis: Makoto

Where Does Makoto's Motives Stem From?

Our protagonist’s tail is a tragic one from the start. Makoto, a high-schooler whose desire to eat the living torments him—Decides to summon and sell his soul to a demon in exchange for delighting in live flesh. He is not disgusted by his kink but is established as not being able to live with the expectations, nor rejections of others—to the point he would rather guarantee his own death instead of facing reality.

After his death, Makoto would become J’s pet-project (Quite literally) At first, he was eager to be a demon, and saw J as his saviour from his old dissociative lifestyle—But is quickly horrified at the realisation that he has traded the expectations of humanity, for those of the demon realm. Against his will, he’s forced to live a new life and integrate into demonic society.

It’s then shown J has a diabolical habit of being vague with his information, making it near impossible to guess his expectations in the first place. (Which explains why out of all those ‘’Strays’’ J took in, none could handle his insane standards.)

Makoto hadn’t grown up with accepting parents, nor brother—J was his first time experiencing such a thing. His fetish had been understood, only for that comfort to be ripped away, as J would rapidly retreat from his life. Its why gritty sex scenes became near non-existent until Volume 3. J was isolating Makoto on purpose. This would instil the idea within Makoto that J was the only one who could understand him, soon fuelling a dark obsession over the demon.

Ensue a 3-year time skip: Makoto has continued his work at the Brothel, not once seeing J during that period. He held of on his return, knowing he needed to learn more (To impress J) And because he longed for J to be the one to want him to come home.

When J does request his presence, it’s for a task: He wants Makoto to collect souls, but in a twist the first contractor J chose was none other than Makoto’s elderly Father. A fresh hatred would curdle inside Makoto, as he began to be unable to wrap his mind around J’s motives. Only that, any tenderness shown was a ploy to manipulate him.

Makoto becomes determined to overthrow J, to force him to respect and see him. Despite J being upfront that he wants Makoto to surpass him, Makoto can only feel distrust, seeing the transparency as some kind of way to mess with him.

His worst fear was unwittingly being controlled by J, but in the process ended up falling right into J’s hands in the end.

Why Does Makoto Repeat The Cycle?

Makoto throughout the entire story was driven with vengeance. He at the end, no longer had a reason to be. He fully believed the one person who could understand him was only Jonathan, and with him dead he has no reason to be alive. But he once again has reached a similar issue to Jonathan—He is now too powerful; he cannot be taken over so easily.

They say the definition of pure insanity is doing something repeatedly and expecting the same result. And I’d have to say that’s exactly what is happening here. As this is hell, and hell is other people. They are stuck within a cycle of their own creation.

Personal Conclusions & Extra Thougths

Makoto and Jonathan were never in love. Makoto was completely emotionally reliant on Jonathan, who dragged him into a life he did not want, removing his autonomy in some of the worst imaginable ways. And Jonathan, he only saw Makoto as means to an end. These two characters never could have been equals, as throughout the entire story Jonathan was grooming Makoto into a role he knew would only lead to misery.

It disturbs me that the general audience feels betrayed by the ending. The author did not lie to us, but because of expectations build upon from other media, like Makoto, not many could see what was laid out right in front of them. And another little tid bit, Makoto didn’t get a new body because he never grew up. He never stopped being the boy Jonathan spirited away.

And onto the main point I am flabbergasted with: Those who are morally disappointed by volume 3. There has been some uproar about Jonathan being a child prostitute—And yes, I agree that did not need to be shown whatsoever. Easily it could have been shown through dialogue, and not through an entire page and large spread of Jonathan naked. (Or you know, not been written in the first place.) Also to establish my stance on cannibalism! if both are consenting adults (In FICTION!) I don’t care if they’re eating each other.

But what everyone is forgetting is Makoto is a literal high-schooler. Who might I add, easily could have been written as a university student. So much Yaoi is this way, I literally rejoice and scream when I find Yaoi with actual adults with any body hair on them whatsoever.

Story wise, it makes sense. Makoto had an immature view of love, and was at an age where he was wedged between his morality and fetish. Him being a teenager explains his feelings of isolation, as he still lived with his parents so could not hide his deviancy, instead being lectured often. To boot, he had an immature view of love, and was wedged between his morality and fetish ideologies. It’s why he was so desperate for connection, and why Jonathan easily was able to form him into a desired result.

But my point is, if your going to be applaud at that aspect of the story—How about you remember the age of the protagonist first? The title literally translates into ''guts demon high-school boy'' Like???

If you’ve gotten to the end of this (And aren’t to miffed at my look warm takes) WHY DON’T YOU JOIN MY DISCOR- COUGH, hacks cough* Yeah I’ve got a Ryo Suzuri dedicated server, join if ud like but don’t if you want lol. Contact me at RancidBark#4430

#madk #manga #yaoi

[missmeinyourbones]

TO LOVE IS TO REMEMBER (TOUYA X READER) (WC: 1.6k)

part 5 of the series: to love is to…

“In my dreams I am kissing your mouth and you’re whispering ‘where have you been?’

I say, ‘I’ve been lost but I’m here now.

You’re the only person who has ever been able to find me.’”

— Sue Zhao

Touya has had an impeccable memory for as long as he can remember. Yes, he’s aware of the irony that lives within those words.

His ability to relive moments through the smallest of details could be seen as alarming to someone who doesn’t know the truth in his blood. But it’s just as much a part of him as his skin that heals purple and roots that grow in red. Maybe it’s the weight of his past, an unresolved darkness that contaminates everything it can reach. As if the way his neurons are hardwired allows him to recall his worst memories at the slightest of triggers.

He wishes he could exist without the burden of his memories resting on his shoulders, cracking his bones and contaminating every new instance he lives through. 

He gets home late, you don’t ask where he’s been. You know enough, or perhaps not enough, to let him crawl back to you in the middle of the night and early hours of the morning. The cicadas screeching from the marsh and the hum of the streetlights are the only sounds echoing in your hollow apartment. 

He’s not surprised when you’re still up, sitting at the table with a steaming mug in hand. You don’t mean to wait up for him, but your body changes with his. Every hour of sleep he loses throws off your internal clock. Every new burn he scratches at flakes off of your own skin. 

There’s nothing to say in the stillness of the moment. The silence is enough for you, as long as he’s within an arm’s reach. 

Simply relieved to see him home, you extend a hand to him—and though he rolls his eyes at the gesture, you know he’s grateful for your offer as he makes his way over. He throws a heavy limb around your shoulder, letting his fingers dance along the hair that meets your neck. His head rests atop your own as he stands next to where you sit, your arm snaking around his waist and giving it a tender squeeze.

Your face presses into him and he doesn’t flinch. “Did you eat today?” he feels you hum into his side.

Four simple words and yet instantly, he’s back inside the suffocating walls of his hellish childhood home. 

His skin is sore and peeling from a long training session with his father. A grueling day of proving himself, surpassing his limits just to be deemed unworthy of his wishes, his dreams. His hair bleeds in messy embers of red and white, far too similar to the scarlet bandages that dress his limbs.

He can hear his mother knocking at the door, can see her kneeling beside him and pressing her hand to his forehead. He can feel her lips on his hair as she whispers a muffled “did you eat today?” against his pounding migraine. She always asks, though they both know he hasn’t. 

Standing beside your coffee table, he’s angry—at you for asking, at himself for getting emotional, at his brain for tying the two unrelated moments together with a red string of fate. 

What are you, my mother? burns on his tongue as he waits for himself to pull the trigger and ruin the intimate moment you created just for him. 

With a patience he didn't know he had until this very moment, he takes a deep breath. He consciously chooses to be passive. “Yeah,” he nods.  

He feels your body slightly jolt with an amused exhale, “Are you lying?” Your tone is accusing, but still holds that lightness to it, the one that no one’s ever given him before. 

He smiles to himself at your accurate read on him. “Yeah,” he repeats into your hair. 

With a glare that’s meant to be intimidating, you wordlessly rise from your seat and grab a pot from the bottom cabinet. He watches you fill it with water, turning on the stove and waiting for it to boil. He knows you’ll reach for the packaged ramen that sits on the middle shelf next to the fridge, and he smiles to himself when you do. Maybe you're not the only one with an accurate read on the other. You grab another pot to hardboiled an egg—a lousy attempt at sneaking in any type of nutrients he’ll consume with little complaint.

The preparation is quiet but it’s a delicate silence, one that’s easy to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. After 3 ½ minutes, all is done and the two of you sit across from one another at the table—him with a hefty bowl before him, and you with a half drank and now cold cup of tea. 

Behind a mouthful of ramen, he mumbles. Like a ventriloquist, his lips barely move, but the words are enunciated between his teeth. “How’d you know?” you make out the slurred syllables through his pursed lips. 

The question sits in the air for a moment, making Touya look up from his bowl to see if you heard him. You did, the way you're eyeing his every move like a hawk confirms it. 

You raise your eyebrows, “How’d I know you were lying?” 

“Yeah,” he weaves a single noodle around his chopsticks, “m’known for being pretty good at it.”

You suppose that’s a fair point. After all, he’s been lying for a living since the age of thirteen. Even before that, you morbidly remind yourself, when he’d hide his fresh scars from his father in hopes of becoming better. Becoming enough. 

You shrug into your cup. “I just know you,” you promise him. 

In this moment, Touya can’t compare what he feels to anything he’s felt in the past. No clutching memory or unresolved emotion bubbles in his chest and latches on to the sweetness he dances in right now. 

He wishes every moment was like this, new and whole. He aches to forget the yesterdays of his blood, but all he can seem to do is fucking remember. 

But if he can remember, then maybe there’s more for him to remember. Maybe, he doesn’t have to just remember the bad. He should be able to remember the good, too. Right? 

Because he remembers how you take your coffee—with way too much oat milk and barely any sugar, far too creamy for his liking but he sneaks in sips anyways. He remembers how your skin is oddly sensitive, so you can’t wear unwashed polyester without breaking out in hives and bumps. He now steals a rash cream from the convenience store every time he passes it. How your idle fingers pick at the dry skin of your chapped lips. How you rid your hair of knots before bed. How you smile when you cry. 

He notices that you come home from work exhausted on Fridays, but still make it apparent to vacuum the whole apartment—something about a clean space allowing you to fully relax. On a windy Friday night, you come home to hurried and jagged streaks of friction all across the rugs. A smug Touya meets you at the door, one who rushed through cleaning the entire apartment in the span of five minutes because he doesn’t like the noise and claims your vacuum is “too fuckin’ loud.” Clumps of missed lint and random string are littered across the floors, but because they’re from Touya’s hand, you let them stay.

On a Sunday morning, he watches you turn on the sink and burn your hand on the water he accidentally left scolding hot. The water he can’t feel on his knuckles and down his wrists. Now, when he finishes washing his hands, he lets the water run cold for thirty seconds minimum. 

He knows how you scold him for wearing his boots around the house. Before he knows it, he’s taking them off as soon as he stumbles through the door. 

He knows you like to wake up to him in the mornings, so he makes a point to wake you with a kiss before he slides out of the house. So you know he was there, know he was thinking of you. 

With a heavy heart and an emotional migraine, Touya tries. It’s all he can do, all he’s never gotten the chance to do. 

A few days later, you come home from work, and the big light doesn't have to be on for him to see the sunken bags beneath your tired eyes. 

He doesn’t know how to comfort you, doesn’t know how to sweep up your shards of glass and stitch your seams closed. 

He doesn’t know, but he does remember. 

“You eat?” the question falls from his lips before he can think.

And for once, it’s untouched and solely his own.  It doesn't sound like the broken whisper of his mother, it sounds like him. But it doesn’t remind him of his younger and weakened self, it reminds him of you.

He watches your eyes soften a bit at his words. “Yeah,” you weakly nod. 

In authentic Touya-fashion, he kisses his teeth with irritation. “You lyin’ to me?” he repeats your words with a glare.

And while it may look poisoned and fanged to most, you see nothing but love behind his eyes. 

“Maybe,” a soft smile begins to crawl across your face.

Touya grabs a pot and begins to boil water. He can’t get rid of his memories, but he can create new ones. He can remember in order to forget. 

#touya todoroki #dabi #touya todoroki x reader #dabi x reader #touya fic #dabi fic #touya drabble #dabi drabble #touya angst #touya fluff #dabi angst #dabi fluff #to love is to...

[eviltothecore13]

...Did I just see someone, in 2023, claiming that the Wesker project was "a CSA allegory"?

I mean, at least they're not claiming that it's definitively canon that he was actually sexually abused, but...

*Why?*

Like. The thing the Wesker project is most obviously an allegory for is the various kinds of indoctrination that bigoted groups use to convince their members they're superior/entitled to greatness/etc because of their race or nationalitity or anything else (not that I'm saying Umbrella or Wesker work along racial lines at all, because we know they don't, but *as an allegory*). I can't find *anything* explicitly stated in canon that is about sexual abuse, but I can find a lot about indoctrination and raising him to believe he was superior--and a lot about him being incredibly privileged all his life with phrases like "the best education money can buy."

There's no *need* for anything remotely resembling sexual (or physical) abuse to take place in Wesker's backstory. (Or emotional abuse of the "you're worthless, you're pathetic" etc kind I sometimes see depicted in fics--again, the point of the project is to convince him he's *superior!* And its canon result was someone described in official materials as "confident", who genuinely believes he's superior and is never shown to doubt himself! I do think his upbringing was emotionally *distant*/not focussed on emotions because it was only concerned with success and power and that he wasn't close to anyone except Alex and later Will--but the idea of him being constantly berated and mocked and bullied just goes against both the goals of the project, and the effect we see it's had on him. Being mocked and insulted throughout your childhood does not generally *improve* someone's confidence or their opinion of themselves!)

The goals of the project are to create someone who is physically strong and capable (note, it does NOT say anywhere in canon that he was exposed to any of the viruses, or physically experimented on in any way, until 1998--it says there were "tests of endurance" which Alex according to the English translation viewed as "hellish", though in the Japanese files it's more like "rigorous training to improve their mental and physical abilities". Either way suggests more an elite/extremely challenging and difficult perhaps military-esque physical training program, rather than "strapped to an operating table and injected with stuff". Prior to 1998 there is *zero* canon indication that he was anything other than human with a lot of training physically.), highly intelligent, academically successful, ruthless, ambitious, a good leader, and fully convinced of the ideology that they are superior beings and the majority of people are inferior etc.

Starving someone, beating them, sexually abusing them, keeping them *so* isolated that realistically they would panic in a social setting/struggle to hold a conversation rather than being a highly charismatic and confident master manipulator who's very skilled at figuring people out and getting them on his side (like, I don't think he was around people enough to *form close relationships* with anyone other than Alex as a child, but he needs to have had a reasonable amount of interaction with a variety of people to develop the skills at leadership and at manipulating people, deceiving them, gaining their trust, getting them to like him, etc that he canonically has to a high degree! he is not going to acquire those skills if he is locked up in a cell in an underground lab), are all either unnecessary or outright counterproductive to these goals.

We know that, on average, even though only 13 of the hundreds got past the final stage of selection (and yes, it is confirmed to be multiple stages of selection and not "they're the only ones who survived to adulthood" as I've seen some people claim) to be given the virus, the Wesker children were generally more successful than the average person. (We can tell this just because 13 out of a few hundred were considered just as good as Wesker--who got a PhD at 17. That is more people, in the space of a short time, getting a PhD at 17 than IRL achieved that through *the entire 20th century*. And the people who did that IRL weren't doing intense physical training on top of that... or for that matter learning to become leaders or master manipulators. The project wasn't successful at creating loyalty or obedience to Spencer, but it *was* successful at seemingly everything else.)

Sexual and physical abuse *do not* make the victims more successful on average than people who were not abused. They tend to lead to children doing *less* well academically (very hard to learn when under stress and even more so if also in physical pain, difficulty concentrating, memory issues--trauma can lead not just to memory issues *about the trauma* but memory issues about all kinds of day-to-day things...), being physically weaker and less healthy (chronic pain etc from injuries, stress affecting the immune system, shorter and skinnier if they didn't get enough food or if stress affected their appetite etc--note that both Weskers we see are above average height, in Albert's case above average height and muscular even pre-virus, in Alex's case the virus only slowed the progression of her illness and didn't give her superpowers so likely also didn't make her taller, so she is naturally 5ft10 despite having been chronically ill for much of her life... not exactly looking like childhood malnourishment here...), being less confident, socially awkward or anxious or struggling to interact with people (Wesker spent most of his life in leadership positions and was able to get everyone at STARS, without exception--and including people like Chris who generally have problems with authority--to like him and place absolute trust in him), and often burning out/not achieving much later in life because they lack motivation that isn't based on fear of punishment (Wesker is certainly motivated, and has had an extremely successful career and is then very successful with most of his evil plans once he gets into the whole supervillainy thing).

Sexual and physical abuse do not make people stronger. They do not make people more confident. They do not make people more successful. The Wesker Project *did* succeed at doing all these things.

(Yes, some real-life educational/training programs with the stated goal of making people more successful or stronger have had incidents of sexual abuse, because predators join the organisation and exploit their position... but it isn't *beneficial to the program's stated goals*--all other things being equal someone who was abused will generally struggle more to be successful than someone who wasn't--it's a failure of the program, not a case of the program working as intended... the Wesker Project was scientifically designed to set these kids up for success and power and we know *it worked*, not simply in the sense of success in a narrow area like a sport at the expense of a lot of other things, but in terms of being extremely skilled and successful at a huge variety of things and extremely adaptable and fast-learning.)

If you want a villain whose primary purpose in the plot is to be someone you're meant to feel sorry for, or who hates themself, or is depressed, etc... there are so many others in various works of fiction. Wesker is not that character and twisting him into it just seems to be making him into a different character entirely from the one canon portrays.

I know some people just don't care about canon-compliance--not just because of things like people saying "his confidence is fake and would collapse at the slightest challenge" when the official RE4 book (not a noncanon novelisation like SD Perry's nonsense, official canon content) calls him "a confident man" who likes a challenge (and it's not from his POV but from a factual/unbiased narrator), but because I've encountered some *really odd* canon-breaking things in fics that weren't tagged as AU at all. (One of the most nonsensical-seeming to me, and I wish I could spoiler this like on Discord because it does need a tw but uh... tw self-harm... had Wesker portrayed as having frequently cut himself throughout his life, including frequently doing so at STARS, including only a few weeks before the Mansion Incident, explicitly described as cuts on his wrists and forearms... even though *his sleeves are rolled up in RE1* and *you can see there are no scars there*... those kinds of scars can take years to fade, and again, Wesker was physically human at this point, they are not going to vanish in a few weeks.) But I do wish stories portraying Wesker as some kind of angsty victim had a single clear AU tag on AO3 so they could all easily be filtered out when I'm trying to find canon-compliant fics.

This is why most of my Wesker fics have been delayed for a while, I just find this fandom so frustrating at times because half the Wesker fans seem to be fans of a very different character... it's exhausting and makes me feel as if no-one actually appreciates the character I love, as he is depicted canonically in the games I love...

#tw abuse #tw csa mention #tw self-harm #tw fictional abuse #tw fictional child abuse #not every good villain story has to be a story of trauma and abuse #sometimes an interesting and complex character can be made #from a story about entitlement and privilege and arrogance and power #even if the resulting character is less palatable #less 'sympathetic' in a conventional 'oh poor thing needs a hug' sense #resident evil #wesker #albert wesker

[heartidylla]

lover — cruel summer

javier peña x reader

summary : you and your childhood best friend, javier peña, go to a party in which you begin to realize things. you have to admit it before it’s too late.

warnings : mentions of alcohol, language

speaking color coding

“” — javier

“” — you

“” — other

summer has always been a torturous thought for you, as it sent you backwards into a point in time where everything was at it's highest peak.

the summer in question was the last couple months that you ever saw the famous and most beloved person in your life, javier peña.

you two had the type of relationship where sometimes you both seemed as if you were head over heels in love with one another and intimately brought out the brightest sides of one another, the kind that could be described as pure sunshine. where you both nourished one another's wounds in order for them to blossom into beautifully mended scars. you two brightly emitted a glow as long as you stood beside one another, a force that nobody could inflict damage upon.

however, more times than not, you were also the type of people who could flip a switch and bring out the devil that laid low in one another as well. you could have been all lovey-dovey with the other, and a second later be holding a knife each others throats because of one stupid, and untruthful remark you made about the other. both of your pride made it almost impossible to meet in the middle, and you both still haven't once found that yet. though, somehow, you'd always end up back by his side; likewise with him.

everyone always got a good source of entertainment as long as you two were in the same proximity as one another, and that's why they always invited you two everywhere — i mean everywhere. your schedule was constantly booked for either parties, get together's, or even a couple instances where you'd commit to something you knew that you'd curse at yourself the next day.

this night was just like any other. your mutual friends had gotten their hands on some alcohol, and wanted to have a huge celebration for their 6 month anniversary. they were a messy duo, constantly splitting apart and getting back together.

you didn't understand how they worked it out every time. you never held such intimate feelings for anyone in the first place — well, so you thought. however, by looking at their gazes towards one another; the ones filled with pure admiration and joy, you finally understood.

they were just in love.

and when you were in love with someone, you'd do anything to come back home.

you held that thought as you reminisced on every moment you and javier shared. every single one since you were kids running around his families farm, getting dirty and rough housing as if you were apart of the family.

which you were accepted as a peña. growing up, your mother was out of the picture which left you in the hellish grasp of your father. he didn't want you just as much as your mom if not more. he'd given you a place to sleep and that's about it, the rest you'd always have to conjure up somewhere else.

so, to be allowed within the peña's families sunlight was more than a breath of fresh air. it was your sanctuary. you'd spend countless nights there, and your father never cared about if you'd return home the next day or the next week.

running around the house with muddy feet, and getting an earful from mr. and mrs. peña which ended up a giggling fest as young you and javier rushed away to cause even more mischief.

memories continued to swirl your mind, feelings finally coming into light until you locked on to his figure at the determined destination of the party. there was an ominous fever dream high that surrounded the party as a mass people were dancing, spilling even outside of the massive house. the navy sky exposing itself to them even if it was suppose to be quiet, the party completely disobeyed.

javier looked at you, noticing your attire. you wore a thigh long black dress that tightly hugged your body perfectly. the top of your dress had been sowed into a box shape, causing a slight cleavage and shoulder exposure while your sleeves were long and could cover your hand if the temperature were to drop. you wore thigh high boots that didn't have such a long and high heels to cause you any discomfort.

taking you in fully caused him to subconsciously lip his bottom lip and slowly bite down on it as well before meeting your glance once again. you looked flushed under his gaze, as if you had finally caught something terribly bad for him: the towns bad boy.

his tightly wrapped shirt which showed off his muscles that he had been working for years to receive. his naturally slightly curled hair that had been slicked back as if he was preparing himself for his own special occasion. those jeans — those tightly fitted jeans that if you dared to look at long enough you could identify just how much he had to offer in much more sinful ways.

god, he looked good, just like a shiny toy that definitely had a price. all you wanted was to purchase him — keep him all for yourself.

"hey!" he finally acknowledged you in conversation, and made his way quickly to you. you waved back, slightly smiling back at his beaming face while he looked into your eyes. "they really did go all out." he commented, his hand on your waist, claiming his spot that he had engrained on your body. you don't know how such an unspoken rule formed, but everyone knew that you were off limits, that your waist wasn't to be touched by anyone but him.

you felt all the air suddenly be sucked out of your lungs at the flame which started to burn underneath the cloth inflicting your skin. he — the tension that he mindlessly produced within you was killing you slowly. you awkwardly chuckled, "yeah, did you expect anything less from them though." you questioned, as you stared at the two hosts. they were intertwined with one another.

"i don't know how they manage to work. they're always breaking up." he asks the same question that had been burning the back of your head up until recently while shaking his head.

"you cant see it?" you looked up at him, catching his puzzled glance before looking back at them within your new lighting. a soft and accepting smile appeared on your face. "they're in love."

he could vouch that he'd never seen you shine as much as you did in that moment, and then he'd lie and swear that he didn't have any temptation to experience the sensation of that light first hand by gently putting his lips onto yours, even though he'd want to claim them as vigorously as possible.

he cleared his throat into his hand, clearing the thought from his mind as quickly as he could as if it were impossible to achieve. "we should head inside." he suggested, and you simply agreed.

when you made it inside you could see the gambling games which the men would be rolling their dice cockily as if they had already won the biggest lottery while the women continued to roll their eyes, packing the perfect punch which would cause their demise.

you looked up to javier who seemed to be lost in conversation with another classmate, leaving you beside him to observe everyone else.

his hand still lingering on your waist even though the guiding had stopped, it made you wonder for a single second whether or not he'd had been experiencing the same symptoms of realization as you. the suffocating feeling snuck back into view, clogging your lungs as if what doesn't kill you makes you want him so terribly more.

the new feeling the lurked within you forced you analyzed the shape of his hand that laid on top of your skin for the first time.

his calloused fingers that slightly dug into your flesh causing you to believe that he didn't ever want you to leave his side, which caused your mood to change into a bluer one.

if he wanted you, why couldn't he show it? why has he gone out with everyone under the sun but you? why did he seem to put you on this 'i can't touch' lighting?

"are you hot?" the classmates voice questioned you which brought you out of your rampaging thoughts. he looked down at you with a smirk, putting his hand to your forehead.

"it's cool." you reassure him by sending him back a flushed glance, not feeling particularly heated in any places other than underneath javier's grasp. you realized that he was trying to touch you in a way that javier couldn't get mad about.

javier looked over to you with a worried gaze. after all, why would their classmate be asking that if you weren't showing signs of discomfort? he was completely oblivious, just as you and your classmate had anticipated.

"are you sure? we can go on a walk if you want." javier, cupped your cheeks while he questioned you further, dragging all of his attention towards you and you alone.

you let yourself soak in the moment, let your deprived soul be filled with javier's affection — his undeniable warmth that emitted from his hands into your cheeks.

you never realized how touch-starved you were before this point, and it was pathetic. you were pathetic for thinking that javier sees you in a different way than just his 'childhood best friend', someone who he has shared more secrets with than anyone else.

you truly believed that that's all you were to him, and the hope that you two could ever be something more than just that crumbled down in front of you. "javier, i'm fine. i said i was fine before." you ended any speculation that he had that you were anything but perfectly okay. "i'm going to go dance." you excused yourself from them, and his grasp. his fingers lingering onto your soft skin for as long as he could — more than he should've as your childhood best friend.

more than he should as someone who is leaving as soon as summer ended to go to a camp in order to become a DEA agent. it's such a cruel summer for him. as long as he's here, he always will be with you.

you didn't entirely feel like dancing. you honestly just wanted to get away from javier's fingertips, and the surge of emotions it was causing within you.

the party had been prepared so well that there were vending machines that were filled with different snacks and beautiful platters filled with different fruits that you had been eyeing since you walked into here.

you finalized when you were away from javier, you didn't feel like you were dying anymore. it was just an absent of thought that you entertained for awhile while picking up samples of different dishes with a fork.

you knew everyone here, and everyone knew you. that was the most exhausting part about the environment. people would come up and talk to you every second, begging you to join them when all you really wanted to do was get drunk on more than just these dishes but on actual alcohol and, perhaps when feeling up to it, dance until you blackout.

javier suddenly walked into the kitchen with his head hanging low as the light glow of the vending machine shined within his chocolate hinted eyes. they looked at you with an uncertainty aura that caused goosebumps to flare along your arms as you pondered how your interaction may lead to.

little did you know he was questioning everything he has set down about you. he stated a long time before that he didn't ever want you to be hurt — a mental promise to himself to not ever let you be cut bone deep by anyone, and he knew that he'd do exactly that if he proceeded with any of these sudden burning passions he had been enduring the wrath from, all for you. he knew that you two would just screw it up within these trying times.

even though neither of you two were actually trying due to the unspoken words that had been edging both of you in entirely two different states.

"what peña?" you finally spoke up as you put another small piece of food you'd been snacking on within your mouth, turning your body to face him.

his eyebrows furrowed, "are you mad at me?"

"no." you slightly slurred as you shut him down quickly, crossing your arms. yes, you were agitated by the fact that he never perused you in a romantic setting yet continues to treat you as if you're his; not allowing anyone else to swipe you away from him. it's selfish, you had needs too.

you never once spoke about his romantic interests, or when he's come to you for support because one of them broke his fragile heart. there was no justification why he should do such a thing for you.

"you are — you never call me peña unless your mad." he sighed, just awaiting for you to cut to his bones, to use your words as a knife and slash against his heart.

you ignored him, feeling a bit more tipsy as you'd like to admit. "are you drunk?" he asked, immediately noticing your slow motion movements, and faded look.

you dramatically gasped, "i am not 'drunk'!" you protested like a child, empathizing on the drunk part with your pointer fingers as you quoted the word in comparison to you.

"you totally are drunk." javier looked at the bright red plastic cup that was in your free hand, "how many have you had?"

"2...5...10 ... none of your damn business." you argued as you made your way over to him to cause a fight, feeling the frustration — the emotions you held for him only become more enhanced as all the alcohol began to finally settle into it's place.

you slipped on your step and fell directly into his chest, his hands quickly snaked around your waist holding you closely to him. "totally drunk." he sent a smug smirked down at you.

"asshole." you mumbled into his chest, lips pressing against his shirt. you could feel his the warmth of his skin flowing onto your lips, and that alone almost made you wanna melt away.

"yeah yeah, call me an asshole all you want from the safety of my car." he says while he grabbed underneath your legs and lifted you up into a bridal style. "this asshole will hold your hair while you're throwing up." he whispered into your ear, causing his hot breath to flow down to your neck making you shiver. he really was an asshole — and even so, all you wanted secretly, within the back of your mind since you were kids, was for him to be yours, only yours.

sitting in the back of the car, laying down on the seat with back onto the support the seat offered you and feet pushed up against the door which enclosed you.

javier was driving, and he had adjusted his rear view mirror just to be able to look at you through it.

the wave of emotions that had been building up within you finally hit, and you started to bawl your eyes out. it started out softly, but grew into a full course breakdown. you were inconsolable, just like a baby. "are you okay?!" javier worriedly question as he looks back, moving his attention away from the road. the car swerving as he continued to look back and forth anxiously.

"the road peña!! — i'm fine! watch the fucking road!" you yelled, the tears continued to desperately be seen — be acknowledged. you weren't fine, you were anything but fine.

the aching feeling in your chest only grew the more you were with javier, just as your simple childhood crush had developed into a much more mature and terrifying emotion: love.

you didn't want to keep any secrets from him, just in order to keep him in your life — you couldn't handle the suffocation it caused you. it's like you couldn't ever breathe around him anymore since you acknowledged how you felt.

i mean, you'd risk everything for this man. sneaking into his bedroom through the garden gate every night just to comfort him through a breakup of him and his many romantic interests, or simply watch a movie.

every single time you did, you continued to seal your fate within him. the fate that you had completely been engulfed with love for javier — pushing it off by simply calling it admiration for his talents. yet, it desired to be heard — and love will be, no matter how much you push it down your throat it will come up.

"are you sure you're okay? why are you crying?!" javier questioned again, putting you're horrible state before the safety of both you and him.

"god, peña — i... fuck," you felt like dying. you couldn't contain this secret you held anymore and you'd rather die than to ever tell it. however, love demanded to be heard.

for once, you decided that it was better to tell him while you had the chance and if he didn't feel the same, or it'd ruin your friendship at least you wouldn't feel like the entire earth is spinning out of line every time you were near him, "i love you!" you screamed at him — to the world.

you wanted everyone to know that you were in love with javier peña and you have been ever since you saw him as a kid.

he suddenly pulled off to the side of the road, not facing you for a moment as if he was trying to process the impact of the words you had just spoke.

even so, you felt at peace for the first time that night, you let the emotions inside you be seen by javier and it truly paid off as the tears stopped falling and the suffocating atmosphere lifted. "ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?" you weakly chuckled, before giving him a glance and your heart skipped a beat when he was looking up at you grinning like a devil.

he looked as if he had won the most amazing prize: your heart. you'd never seen him smiling so big at a confession before. his cheeks were flushed with a red that was an uncommon tint within his usual tanned skin color. "say it again." he ordered, moving his body around to you fully.

you swallowed a ball of spit that had been building up with the anticipation of this moment of vulnerability. "i love you."

somehow, his smile grew even wider. he acted like an innocent kid on christmas seeing the presents that had been teasing them for the first time.

within the next moment you found him besides you within the back of the car, cupping your cheeks before smashing his lips onto yours. both of your lips moved in sync with one another, as it held such intimacy, yet also such a sense of thankfulness, like an boulder has been lifted off his shoulder as well.

it was clear to you now that he was desperately seeking your approval of such a progression in your relationship — your true feelings for him.

you couldn't contain your tremendous joy any longer as you smiled within each kiss he placed on your face, showering you with the compassion that he forced himself to swallow down for so long.

he paused for a second, looking at you with a light you had never seen before swirling within his eyes. "i love you too." he confessed as well before kissing you once more, softer this time. he wanted to take in every single bit of you, memorized everything about you before summer ended — before he had to leave you behind to fulfill his dream.

"damn it, peña." you sniffed, looking up into the summer's humid sky which was the only thing that connected you and javier together since his disappearance. "i'll always be waiting for you." a forever promise that you'd always be his no matter how long you'd had to wait for him to return to your side.

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#javier pena #javier pena x reader #javier pena imagine #javier pena fluff #javier pena narcos #javier pena fic #javier peña #javier x reader #javier peña x reader #javier pena x y/n #javier pena angst #javier pena x ofc #narcos x reader #narcos #fanfic #wattpad #a03 tags #ao3 writer

[ari4nee]

im gunna come back to edit this tmrw ahaaa

Curse Me

Chapter 5:

Satoru and you had arrived to the party at 8pm after spending some time getting ready. The house that the upperclassmen had rented was large and surprisingly filled to the brim with students.

"I didn't know Yuta was so popular", you muttered to the white haired boy positioned beside you. "Well... we wanted to make sure he had a fun time... a little shy that one", Satoru stated sheepishly before quickly adding that it was possible the invitations on Yuta's behalf went a tad overboard.

The upperclassmen were popular, especially Satoru, but the invites spread so quickly that a lot of people who came didn’t even really know them. But in fairness, it wasn't like stressed college students to avoid parties just because they weren't pal's with the birthday boy and his friends. Especially if alcohol was provided for free (thanks to Satoru's seemingly infinite funds).

Before you even had time to scan the room, your classmate had scurried off to meet his friends. Thankfully, you quickly situated yourself with your own group. Only able to find them thanks to the never ending bickering between Maki's sister and Nobara that could be heard from the hall.

Maki was standing beside you in the door way, shooting you a look that meant she was absolutely exhausted of her sisters antics. From the looks of Yuta stressfully trying to defuse the situation that was unfolding, you could assume it had been going on for a while.

Of course as per usual, Mai would throw a few jabs at Nobara and then eventually take her leave. But definitely not before making a comment about her 'fuck ass bob', earning a snort from Yuji who quickly covered his mouth as to not catch any stray remarks.

Nobara absolutely fuming with frustration stomped off to find Megumi and complain.

"Party's off to a good start", you giggled while gently rubbing Yuta's back to try and ease him. His kindness seemed to make you want to comfort him despite the lack of familiarity between you two. "Those two never get along", he sighed in response with a soft smile.

Maki instructed Yuta to ignore her sister and grabbed his hand leading to lead him towards the kitchen for a drink. It was a birthday party after all and the only rule of the night was that Yuta had to enjoy himself.

Now that the group had dispersed, Yuji walked up to you and pulled you in for a hug. "Gosh it feels like ages since I've seen you". He seemed concerned by your recent disappearance from the weekly movie nights and study sessions at his home. And it wouldn't be a lie to say you were kind of avoiding your childhood friend; but only thanks to his hellish older brother!

You wanted to make up an excuse to justify your absence without having to disclose his brothers advances or that you were now in a class with him; but Yuji always knew when you were lying.

He had gotten particularly good at distinguishing the meaning behind your words and understood that you had a tendency to avoid non ideal situations. Not to mention, he knew of his brothers reputation better than anyone and the sudden shying away from all things Itadori pointed his nose in the right direction.

Well.. that and Nobara had confided in him that she saw the two of you talking outside at the last party. Still, he felt pretty confident in his assumption that it was Sukuna who ruffled your feathers.

"So are you going to tell me what he said?"

Your cheeks burned as you shoved your face into your hands. The last thing you needed was Yuji thinking that you had started seeing his brother. You didn't want to get clumped into the pool of girls that fell for Sukuna's toxicity and tendency to hand out breadcrumbs only when he felt like it.

Plus Yuji had laid out the only rule of your friendship when Sukuna had started his scandalous adventures: “do not get involved with my brother”. He always discouraged the idea of you two given Sukuna's greedy desires.

“He was flirting with me… Well in whatever dialect of flirting he uses where it’s paired with insults. It was just shocking because he’s always been quiet with me. I said no.”

But truthfully, you didn’t explicitly say ‘no’, in fact a part of you was entirely curious see how he got away with being the way he was and having girls still come back.

Yuji shook his head in disappointment, yet not surprised by Sukuna actions.

“He’s not really a bad guy”, Yuji started, trying to find the words to explain to you that deep down his brother wasn’t just some jerk. He just coped with the loss of their parents in an unhealthy way, most likely not at all.

“It doesn’t justify whatever he said to you though and I’m sorry. I’ve tried talking to him about toning it down a little bit but he really changed after everything happened.”

Yuji rubbed the back of his neck unable to hide the tinge of concern for his sibling. He leaned in and begun speaking lower as if Sukuna would turn the corner at any moment - “he had a girlfriend once, softened him way more than I’ve ever seen since our parents were around. But they broke up when she cheated on him.”

Your eyes widened at the information Yuji had just given you. Not once had you ever seen a girl come around the house, nor heard anyone speak of Sukuna being in a relationship. He didn’t seem like the type but it was possible considering his attitude hadn’t fully soured until college. It was even more surprising to hear that this girl had cheated on him.

“It’s so weird how I know you so well but your brother manages to hide a whole girlfriend and I never hear about it!”

Yuji laughed at your comment and shrugged his shoulders, very well aware that Sukuna had asked him not to mention it in front of anyone in case it had gotten to his grandfather. “He wanted me not to say anything. It was brother code! Apparently he had very romantic plan to introduce her to to gramps before he found out about the other guy. Then he just made me swear never to speak her name again. It ruined him.”

Yuji emphasized his last words as if it were the end of the world for his brother. Your face was covered in shock because this was not expected at all. Sukuna being romantic we’re two words that no one would ever pair together in a sentence, let alone him being cheated on. There was so much about him that was a mystery; so much that he intended to keep locked away.

It was cute to hear that despite their complicated dynamic, Yuji truly respected his brothers wishes even if it meant keeping a secret from his best friend. It made you wonder if Sukuna was a lot more like Yuji than he’d dare show. If behind closed doors, he had a heart that had just grown cold from the bad cards handed to him. Yeah, he was still obnoxious, but having a tiny glimpse into his life made you feel some compassion for the guy.

“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you guys Yu. It didn’t help that I have a class with him but I won’t just dodge you guys again.” Yuji was never one to take these things to heart but he did miss your presence and the apology seemed to put a smile on his face. He waved his hands in the air brushing it off as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“Yeah I’m more confused about you two having a class together. Like how does that even happen?” he asked. Referencing the year gap between you both. You shrugged in response, giving some short answer that the school had messed up your time table but that it was okay because Satoru had been helping you with the increase in difficulty of the assignments.

Before Yuji could excitedly claim ‘he told you so’ that Satoru liked you, an all too familiar tall figure stepped into the room. Sukuna placed his hand on Yuji’s head to ruffle his already untamed hair. Yuji punched his shoulder and attempted to rub off the unexpected touch but that was as far as their greeting went.

Sukuna slicked back his own hair and lazily motioned at you, asking where he could find a drink in this place. Earning a grumpy look from his younger brother for his lack of manners was enough for him to grumble a ‘beat it brat’. They stared at each other for a moment until Yuji had paused his desire to talk more about you and Satoru, and begrudgingly left.

Sukuna wasted no time bringing up that you hadn’t spoken to him in lecture the whole week but in fairness, you didn’t even know he wanted you to. “You’re a first year and this course is going to be difficult for you” he started, adding on that it only made sense for you to study with him if you wanted help. Sensing that you wanted to question the offer, he continued on, “Yuji has been complaining about you not coming around. You’re always over anyways and it’ll make the kid shut up.”

Sukuna knew that it wasn’t your study dates with Satoru that had an influence on your absence, but his own boldness. If he hadn’t approached you with an offering to join him in his room or spoke to you so bluntly, you might have actually went seeking his company as a classmate. In fact, there were a few moments that he could remember while growing up where you had tried to befriend him.

Getting close with Satoru instead was just an unfortunate coincidence he had to stop.

You protested by mentioning that you had someone to study with and it seemed to be going well since the last grade you received was a B. But what you wanted to say was that Satoru was helpful and definitely didn’t push his boundaries.

Sukuna sighed, “Satoru gets distracted.” He pointed towards the white haired boy laughing hysterically beside Megumi in the living room. It was ironic coming from Sukuna, maybe even hypocritical, but you knew what he meant was that Satoru had responsibilities that frequently pulled him away from school.

“And you don’t?” you quipped, nodding your head upwards towards the girl he left behind to come talk to you. Sukuna licked his lips and smirked, “I quite like when you get fiery. It’s refreshing compared to how quiet you usually are. Plus, that’s not me getting distracted.” You weren’t sure what to say. It was true Sukuna was a stellar student and he never left for periods of time throughout the semester but his motives were a concern.

“You just want to study?”

This question resulted in a full on grin, showing off his sharp canines. By now he couldn’t resist the urge to tease you, “well if you wanted to do more you could’ve asked me sooner.” A hand brushed your chin, tilting your head up to look him in the eyes. A bright pink flooded through your cheeks as you broke the eye contact, “Sukuna! That’s not what I meant. I just wanted to make sure you understand that this isn’t going to turn into one of your one night stands.”

He nodded with an upside down smile and leaned back onto the wall - “Yeah I’m Yuji’s brother and I’m a fuckboy and all that. Off limits, I get it. Now seriously where can we get a drink.” Now satisfied with his answer, you scanned the room looking for a cooler filled with alcohol.

A few hours had passed by where Sukuna had stayed by your side, not saying much but a few comments about how people got way too messily drunk at events like these. He had roamed off a few times to smoke with friends only to return back to your side whenever you seemed to be alone or grabbed a new drink.

His change in demeanour wasn’t lost on you but he hadn’t yet let on that he did feel slightly bad about the way he initially approached you. It settled in when you had showed up to class and managed to avoid even looking at him after the first day. Sure, Satoru’s friendliness annoyed him but hearing Yuji and Nobara silent back and forth that it must have been something ‘his crazy older brother said’ didn’t feel good.

Sukuna’s cheekbones were tinted only the slightest shade of pink from the alcohol he consumed. If he was drunk, he surely wasn’t showing it other than the way he’d fumble with his phone a bit dumbly while checking the time. You on the other hand had been feeling the effects for a while and felt about ready to leave.

“Sukunaa” you cooed, tiredly leaning your head onto his arm. He tensed a bit but tolerated the gesture, basking in the fact that you hadn’t even noticed how obvious your crush on him was. “I wanna go home, can you walk with me?” Sukuna normally would have left hours ago after smoking himself half to death with Choso and wanting to live out the rest of his high in solitude. So it took no convincing for him to wrangle up his brother and your friends and take his leave as well.

When Sukuna had called an uber you all entered the vehicle one by one. Yuji in the front seat, Megumi and Nobara in the middle, and you and Sukuna in the back. The small space left no room between the two of you but you were too tired to care about your legs being pressed against Sukuna’s.

He was staring out the window with a bored look plastered on his face, eye-bags now starting to form on his usually pristine skin. Yuji had begun rambling about how much he loved everyone, including his brother, who he was “so grateful to have around.” Only barely choking back drunken tears.

The thoughtfulness of Yuji’s words regardless of being influenced by a night out, had you also feeling sentimental. It reminded you of the earlier conversation about Sukuna’s life and the way you started enjoy his company tonight. With a quick tap on his shoulder and an induced sense of confidence, you leaned in to say, “I really hope we can become close like me and Yuji. I always wondered why you never hung around us but you’re not that bad.”

He looked tall even while sitting as he watched you in silence. Eventually instructing you to go to sleep with little regard of your request. No - not on him, lean on the window.

#ryomen sukuna #sukuna x reader #big brother sukuna #jjk x reader

[stories-of-kore]

Camp Krell - chapter one, part three

Kaffeyne opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the door to our cabin being flung open by our third roommate, Fayne. Taking one look at the position we were in - me sitting on the counter, Kaff standing in front of me with my legs wrapped around her - she screamed. Picture your most American, high pitched, energetic girly squeal of excitement. Now amplify that by about fifty times the original volume you thought of. That should be about the right volume, not accounting for the echoes of our tiny cabin 

“Oh. My. Gods. Finally!”

“Wait, Fayne, stop screaming you idiot! Get your head out of the gutter, I’ve just been patching Tamashi up from an encounter with the Krell.”

I was a little upset my confession was brushed off so easily, but knowing Kaffeyne, she’s probably just trying to process through distractions. The mention of the Krell sure shut Fayne up quickly though. 

“Another one of us..?”

“Yes, another. Be useful for once, and pass me the alcohol wipes? There’s still some residue on Tam’s neck.” 

I couldn’t even say a word in this, the two people I’m closest to just kept patching me up, bickering about Fayne’s usefulness in a medical field. Which, to be fair to them, wasn’t too far from the norm. Not a day went by that hadn’t been filled with these two arguing. I still loved them though. Fayne, my best friend, the girl who had been by my side since childhood, my soul sister, and Kaffeyne, the light of my life at camp, the person I realised my love for last year. It would destroy me to lose them. 

I couldn't delve too deeply into my shock-based negativity, as I was suddenly tackled in a hug by someone I hadn't noticed enter the cabin; Noto, Kaffeyne's older brother had lifted me up from my very comfy spot on the counter and was currently sobbing into my shoulder. No idea why. Dude’s just a golden retriever, I’m telling you. I was about push him off me, when I looked at his arms, which were on full display from his sleeveless turtleneck top. He too, had that same sickly green pattern, but unlike mine, his coiled around his entire arm like a sleeve tattoo. I noticed another on his neck and two more thick ropes of putrid yellow-green wrapped around his ankles; so I let him keep hugging me. His encounter with this demon must have been awful for him, given the sheer amount of marks it left. 

“Noto… you’ve faced it too? How… many people have been hurt from this thing in the woods? Hell, how do we even know we’re safe here?! I mean, Kaff, you and Noto both have full reason to never set foot in this hellish camp again!”

Noto was too occupied with crushing my bones with his hugs to reply. So Kaff responded for him.

“This camp is safe. In fact, it’s the only truly safe place from the Krell in this country. The director ensures it. And we’ve all been… inside the Krell’s territory. All four of us now.”

“Well he’s doing a shit job at enduring our safety, if so many of his ’precious little campers’ have had life or death encounters with whatever the hell that thing is! I mean, just look at how many marks Noto has! I don’t know why you’re defending this stupid director when your own brother is covered in memories of this beast.”

At my calling the Krell a beast, Fayne spoke up. “It’s a demon. A deal demon of the soul reaping subset, to be exact. One of the weakest demons out there, and for some reason, it refuses to break the camp’s boundary, so it’s territory must exclude these grounds.”

“I’m going to pretend I know what ‘a deal demon of the soul reaping subset’ means, and still be angry at the director.”

“Lord, I forgot I need to brief you on the demonic hierarchy, but that’s gonna take ages, and I don’t think you’re that comfy up on the counter with Noto practically squeezing the life out of you.”

“…you can say that again.”

Eventually Noto loosened his grip, and just… carried me. Like I was a baby. Despite my protests, his grip was actually quite comfy… like one of my dad’s hugs… until he very rudely threw me on one of the cabin’s beds. I hadn’t even noticed him moving whilst carrying me, was I that out of it? I didn’t have time to dwell on it as Fayne was drawing some sort of diagram on the board- wait. I should probably describe the layout of the cabins, huh?

#writers #writeblr #writers on tumblr #female writers #writing #writer #original character #original story #camp krellden

[greatwyrmgold]

Westalis vs Ostania

Spy×Family is a series set in a cold war between Westalis and Ostania. And by "set in," I don't just mean there's a cold war happening in the background; it's the reason Agent Twilight was sent to Ostania, the reason he had to create a fake family, and at least part of the reason the child he wound up adopting had telepathic powers.

Tatsuya Endo does not want us to think either Westalis or Ostania are "the good guy". There are good guys in the conflict, but they are individuals; the states which motivate them are at best neutral, at worst malevolent, and nowhere near as different as they claim. This fact is made crystal clear in the flashback to Twilight's childhood.

War is hell, it's pointless, and it's obviously pointlessly hellish. The war between Ostania and Westalis was unnecessary, both states bear responsibility for starting it, and their citizens pay the price.

This idea echoes faintly through the present tense of the manga; if your eyes are open for themes, you will notice this one popping up over and over. Twilight and Handler aren't fighting to stop Ostania, they're fighting to stop war. Donovan Desmond isn't a bad guy because he thinks Ostania is better than Westalis, he's a bad guy because he wants to start a war. There are references to crimes committed by both Westalis and Ostania.

But by virtue of its immediate setting, Spy×Family has (in my opinion) failed to present Westalis and Ostania in as balanced a manner as they were presented in the past. And a lot of that has to do with our point of view.

The Face of the State

For the casual Spy×Family reader, who is the face of Westalis?

WISE, and more specifically Agent Twilight and his associates, are our primary lens into what Westalis is like. If we accept this as a valid picture, it's quite a positive one! Two of the three Westalis spies given clear motivations are motivated by a desire to prevent wars and protect people, and the third is chasing Twilight's shadow.

And these aren't just random Westalian citizens; these are three government-sanctioned agents of Westalis. It's easy to get the impression that WISE must be noble because Handler and Twilight are noble, and that the state of Westalis must be as noble as WISE, because there is so little clear information about what the rest of Westalis's government or even the rest of the Westalian Intelligence Services is like.

Here and there, we hear characters say things that might suggest that Westalis is not as sterling as Agent Twilight's existence might imply. But for a casual reader, someone who wants to see Twilight as heroic, it's not hard to dismiss that as hearsay, propaganda, or a few bad apples.

By contrast, who is the face of Ostania?

By virtue of being set in Berlint, we see a wider variety of Ostanian people than Westalian. Many Ostanians are sympathetic; some of them are even in positions of power. But when it comes to the state itself, there are only two institutions we have a clear view of, by way of two characters: the SSS via Yuri, and the NUP via Donovan.

The SSS and the NUP represent what Spy×Family considers the absolute worst parts of a state: The secret police who exist to keep the population in line, and the warmongering nationalists who defend an us-versus-them narrative to the death (of other people).

We do not see the Ostanian intelligence service's Western division, we do not see Agent Half-Light and his sympathetic backstory. We see the authoritarian state, we see the right-wing warmongers, we see a population radicalized and victimized by the state.

As salt in the wound, Ostania follows the hypocritical communism-in-name-only of the Soviet bloc. Attention is drawn to this hypocrisy, to the fact that Ostania preserves its bourgeoise despite putting Karl Marx on its money. No similar hypocrisy is clear in Westalis; we don't see, say, the government intervening in the free market when it threatens the interests of the capitalist class. We barely see Westalis at all.

And that's the problem.

The Heart of the State

It's not an easy problem to fix. Spy×Family is set in Berlint, far from the border with Westalis. It's easy to casually depict the callous violence committed by the Ostanian state when you are in its heart; doing the same for distant Westalis would require a contrivance.

The easiest solution, I feel, would be to go over Twilight's head. Handler is Twilight's boss, and has much the same beliefs as he, but Handler has a boss, and that boss has a boss, all the way up to whoever has been elected Prime Minister this year.

If someone in that chain of command was a Donovan Desmond, if they started passing orders to WISE that go against Handler and Twilight's personal codes, that would make two things clear. One, Handler and Twilight are important spies, but they are not avatars of Westalis. Two, the state of Westalis is not so different from that of Ostania—which is exactly what we wanted to convey!

There is a pretty obvious problem with that, of course. Twilight is Dr. Loid Forger specifically because of his orders. He is a loyal spy. Receiving orders that clash with his morality, especially if they risk starting a war, would be a last-arc-defining plot point! Twilight cannot be forced to choose between serving his country and serving peace without fundamentally disrupting the premise of his entire series. Could the series continue after Twilight abandoned WISE? I can think of some possibilities, but I don't know whether they'd work in the actual manga or if they'd seem too fanficky.

It's hard to see the heart of one leviathan from the back of another. I hope Endo finds a way.

#spy × family #spy x spy #manga #worldbuilding #themes #politics #i can't bring politics into this—they're already here

[looneyleyle]

darlin ~ f. odair

pt. 1 ||| pt. 2 ||| pt. 3

synopsis: a boy unable to escape the capitol's grasp, a girl forced to train children to be slaughtered. maybe they can help each other get through the hellish lives they've been subjected to after winning their respective games.

warnings: hunger games typical violence, death, mentions of panic attacks, mentions of drugging, allusions to male prostitution

words: 5348

aldera pov some say that after you win the hunger games, you live happily ever after. you get riches beyond comprehension, enough food to feed your family, and eternal fame. what could be worse than that?

i can tell you. for one, there's survivor's guilt. not being able to sleep at night, because your dreams are plagued by the tortured faces of those you've killed. and then there's being watched by the capitol at every waking moment, threatening to kill your family if you make one wrong move. and of course, wondering why you, of all of those 24 tributes, made it through. but worst of all?

mentoring.

because when you're mentoring, it's not about you anymore. it's not about the grief that follows you every second of the day. it's about the fact that you have to train two children to fight 22 other children to the death in some sort of sick battle arena. especially when you're from district 10. it's like sending pigs to the slaughterhouse, or, worse i guess, since i've been doing that since childhood too.

district 10 has two living female victors, and i'm one of them. imena, bless her soul, was my mentor, a woman in her 30's. after her hunger games, she couldn't work with the livestock anymore. she felt for them. she was prepped and plucked to be thrown to the capitol for entertainment, much like the cows and pigs and goats here in district 10. just seeing the slaughterhouse would send her into a panic attack.

after i won the 68th hunger games at the ripe age of 17, imena's condition worsened, seeing me go through the same things that she had been through for the past 11 years. when it came time for the 69th hunger games, imena was deemed unstable and unfit to serve as a mentor, meaning i was the only alive female victor that could mentor.

my male counterpart was absolutely useless. he had been mentoring for years now, and he had given up on trying to help. he was one of my mentors last year, and certainly did not lift as much as a finger to try and help me or the other district 10 tribute survive.

for the 69th hunger games, the district 10 tributes were a 16 year old boy who worked as a farmhand, and a 13 year old girl, london, who would milk the cows and goats. neither of their jobs provided them with skills to help them win the games.

throughout the days leading up to the hunger games, i told the two to focus on survival skills. it's what all outlier districts tell their tributes. learning to fight is useless, they would lose a fight against any of the careers in a matter of seconds regardless of how long they would train.

when the games started, i was a nervous wreck. the male tribute died in the cornucopia bloodbath, as to be expected. he didn't seem to listen to me at all when i tried to give him advice. london, however, went in the opposite direction, into the sands of the never ending desert that was this year's arena. the cornucopia was a little oasis, with small pockets of fresh water and a few fruit trees surrounding the structure. after that, there was sand for as far as the eye could see. i knew that sponsor gifts would be a necessity with the lack of food and water sources. i needed to start making friends with potential sponsors.

walking up to a group of unnecessarily colorful capitol citizens, i said, "hi there guys, any interest in sponsoring district 10?" the three of them laughed out loud, talking amongst themselves as if i couldn't hear.

"can you believe that, sponsor district 10. haha! my money would be better off thrown into the streets than used to sponsor them," one of the men laughed.

"are they even still in the games? i thought they'd all be dead by now," the lady laughed, taking a sip of her champagne. knowing that my mission was a failure, i started walking back to my viewing couch.

"y'know, you can't just ask them to sponsor your tributes. chat them up, let them talk about themselves, they love to do that. then, give them a little sob story about your tribute when you need the gifts and boom! you've got a sponsor," a tall boy told me, leaning against the wall. i recognized him as one of the mentors from district 4.

"really? thank you, that's probably the only helpful piece of advice i've gotten this whole damned week," i said, muttering the last part while throwing a glare at the other district 10 mentor, who was currently chugging copious amounts of alcohol.

"i take it he's useless? makes sense, i usually see him at the bar for most of the games," the man commented, getting up from his relaxed position. "you're last year's champion, congrats. welcome to the hell that is the rest of your life. i'm finnick odair, at your service," he introduced, putting out his hand in greeting. i took his hand, and he gave mine a firm shake.

"aldera meadowwood."

"now then, aldera, seems like you could use a mentor who isn't in an unhealthy relationship with the booze table. my tributes have already kicked the bucket, i could show you the ropes of mentoring if you'd like?" i considered the stranger's offer, looking between my partner, the screen, and finnick.

"that would be nice."

surprisingly enough, my tribute made it to the second day, allowing me to work with finnick on my mentoring.

"now, it usually helps when you've made a name for yourself, and i hate to break it to you aldera, but your games weren't the flashiest. but that's okay, being an underdog has its advantages. keeps the games interesting. having the careers win every year would be boring," finnick explained, walking me around the potential sponsors, occasionally waving to them or sparing them some sort of meaningless comment. "the key is faking interest. all of these capitol people live easy lives, so their problems aren't anything like what you see in the districts. you have to pretend that you care, pretend that it's the end of the world when they eat too much or chip a nail. they'll love you. then, when your tribute is in need, you just have to go up to them, chat them up a bit more, and make a comment about how your games will be cut short because your tribute is going to die. tell them about the family she has at home, how her parents will miss her dearly. you have to really sell it to them, the more sad you can make it, the more willing they'll be to donate."

"considering that almost everyone in 10 lives in poverty, i don't think it'll be that difficult to 'make their lives sad'," i retorted. finnick just nodded, it was common knowledge that 10 was one of the poorest districts, hence its lack of victors. there seemed to be a correlation between how wealthy your district is and how frequently you win. districts 10 and 12, two of the poorest districts, had the least amount of victors, while districts 1 and 2 had enough to start their own little hunger games.

"let's work on getting you some sponsors," finnick said, already guiding me back to the sponsor tables. i went from table to table, feigning interest in their disgusting capitol lives. complaining about how their stockings were the wrong shade of fuchsia, or how they got to throw up their food only three times at the most recent party because they ran out of the drink that makes you puke. their lives were so mindbogglingly easy, never having to worry about their next meal or if they would make it to the next day.

"i can't do any more today finnick," i told him as he started whisking me away to the next table. he looked down at me with a smile.

"that's okay, you did good today. some promising prospective sponsors for you," he noted. my feet found their way to the nearest screen, seeing that my tribute had just made it to one of the little oases spread out throughout the arena. i breathed a sigh of relief as she drank the fresh water and started to grab the fruit from off of the low hanging branches.

"thank god," i let out, sitting down on the nearest couch.

a couple of days passed and my tribute was still alive and kicking. she kept to the oasis, keeping herself hidden in some of the taller grass. not that she had to worry, most of the tributes were on the other side of the arena.

as i talked with finnick about my old job back in district 10, i heard a scream. my head darted to the screen, and i saw the district 7 boy hanging from a trap in some tree, his weapon and supplies laying unattended on the ground. i watched as my tribute came out from the shadows, picking up the boy's machete. he fumbled around with the vines around his leg, swearing furiously at london.

"get back here you bitch, that's mine! too afraid to try to take me head on huh?" he swore, trying to taunt her. she faltered, one of her biggest mistakes yet. a second passed and the boy was down from the trap, charging at her. i held both myself and my breath as i watched. the 7 boy wasn't very muscular or anything, but he was older than my girl, and much taller than her. her eyes widened in fear as he came at her, and instinctively, she swiped at him with the machete. it hit his chest, causing him curl up in pain. without another thought, my tribute swiped and slashed at him, albeit with inexperience, effectively silencing him. a cannon shot off in the arena. i heard gasps from the sponsors, murmuring about how the small girl from district 10 had managed to kill a boy nearly twice her size.

"and that is the kind of performance you need to get sponsors," finnick smiled. i felt conflicted; on one hand, she had managed to defend herself and take out one of her competitors, making it easier for me to get her gifts if she ever needs them, but on the other hand, she was now officially a murderer. if she makes it through these games, the images of the tributes she killed will haunt her, just like what happened to imena, and just like what was happening to me.

the next day, my tribute wouldn't stop hacking and coughing. she looked severely ill, and it happened so suddenly too. i wondered if it was the doing of the gamemakers before looking around her. the district 7 boy's body had let out a lot of blood, some of it going into the pond she had been drinking from. she tossed and turned, looking like death.

"time to go work your magic," finnick told me. i got up and immediately went to one of the sponsor's tables. if i recalled correctly, one of them had a daughter around my tribute's age. i started up a small conversation, asking about their families, purposely saving the man for last.

"and how's your daughter?" i asked. he told me about how she had done in school today, and some fight she had gotten in with her friend.

"it's such a shame, maybe your daughter and my tribute london could have been friends after the games. it doesn't look like she has much more time, what with this sickness and all, she might be gone within hours. could you imagine? a young girl being perfectly fine a couple hours ago when you last saw her, only to fall deathly ill a few hours later? her parents not even there to comfort her in her final moments? it's tragic really, and it could happen to anyone, not just the children in the districts. if only my tribute had some medicine, then she would live to see another day, go to school, see her friends…" i rambled. the man's face paled a bit. my trick had worked. maybe the capitol wasn't as full of monsters as i thought.

"well, i think we could afford to get the poor dear some medicine. if that was my child, i wouldn't be able to live with myself for not helping her. here you go," he told me, handing me some money.

"oh, thank you so much sir. you've saved a poor girl's life today," i poured, playing into the capitol's savior complex. he looked pleased with himself as i walked away, going to go buy her some medicine and to write her a note to be careful.

i watched as the gift traveled its way into the arena, startling my tribute and sending her into another fit of coughs. she took the medicine with ginger hands, feeling better as soon as she took a sip. i felt ecstatic, i saved her!

"finn, finnick, i did it! i got her a sponsor and it saved her!" i squealed, taking his hands in mine and jumping up and down. it was a bit childish, really, but i was excited. i actually did something. i was probably one of the first district 10 mentors to actually get a sponsor gift for their tribute. i made an impact in her games, i gave her a chance to win.

"very good darlin," finnick praised, giving my hands a light squeeze.

london's good luck seemed to continue for the next couple of days. there were only six tributes left in the arena: three careers, a boy from district 5, a girl from district 6, and then my tribute from district 10. the careers had been weeding out tributes, while the other remaining three had been hiding.

her luck, however, was bound to end.

the career tributes started to head south, straight towards her oasis. i heard murmurs wash over the other mentors and sponsors. panic coursed through my body. she got lucky that her instincts kicked in with that boy from 7. she wouldn't be able to last a second against three careers, three trained killers.

"they're heading towards her…" i mumbled, already making my way towards the sponsors.

"dera…" finnick started, getting up from his seat. i paid no mind to him, i only had so much time to get her something, anything to warn her of the careers approaching. i went up to some old ladies that i had been chatting up the other day.

"hello ladies, how are you doing?" i asked. the four of them became animated, telling me about their days. i tried to pretend to pay attention, but my eyes kept flickering to the screens. i didn't have time for this.

as one of the ladies was talking about how the shrimp she had for lunch wasn't as good as last time, i interrupted. "i was wondering if any of you kind ladies would be willing to donate just a tiny bit to help out my tribute? it would really mean a lot to our district, her poor family at home-" the ladies all rolled their eyes, one of them cutting me off.

"mmm, you see sweetie, your little girl is quite boring now." my heart dropped.

"i mean, you can't expect us to just keep giving to you. quite frankly, it's bad manners on your part," another chided. i was in shock, how were they able to say that? a young girl's life was on the line and they wouldn't donate because it's boring? i couldn't believe them. i opened and closed my mouth, flabbergasted. seeing this, finnick came up behind me and helped me out of my seat.

"good evening ladies, i'm gonna steal her away from you all if you don't mind," he rushed the words out, ushering me away. my mind was racing, what was i going to do? if i didn't find a sponsor soon, she would be slaughtered by the careers.

"finn, let me go, i need to talk to more sponsors," i mumbled, eyes darting from person to person. finnick's grip on me didn't waiver.

"dera…" he trailed off, i could already hear the pity in his voice. it made my stomach churn. i tried to tune him out, struggling against him to go towards another table of sponsors.

"dera," he said more sternly. i couldn't look at him, tears were already welling up in my eyes. i looked around at all of the sponsors, their eyes fixed on the scene i was making in slight disgust, or worse, laughter. no one would sponsor another dirt poor girl from district 10.

"dera," he started, his voice significantly more soft, "let's get you out of here." the tears were starting to stream down my face.

finnick brought me back towards the other mentors. the district 1 and 2 mentors looked over at me, laughing and drinking their champagne. noticing the object of my focus, finnick stepped into my sight line, blocking me from the career mentors. i looked over at the screen instead. the careers had seen my tribute, but she hadn't seen them. i gripped onto finnick, watching as they got nearer and nearer to her. another wave of adrenaline coursed through me.

"i just need a note, just a note to tell her they're coming, then she can hide or run or do something!" i started to make my way back to the sponsors. i had to do everything i could for her.

"darlin, it wouldn't get to her in time." my shoulders dropped, staring at the screen, a weight starting to crush my heart.

"so i just have to watch as she dies?" i let out in a broken whisper. they were a couple yards away from her. she saw them and started to run.

"we've got a runner! we've got a runner!" the district 2 boy screeched, a look of pure demented glee on his face.

finnick pulled me in, keeping my back to the screen. his arms held me firmly as i wept.

cheers and gasps came from the sponsors, followed by gruesome noises coming from the screen. i tried to look, but finnick quickly brought my head into his chest, not letting me see whatever was happening.

the boom of a cannon sounded through the room.

i couldn't control my sobs. i failed. i failed her. i failed her family. i tried so hard and for what? all i was able to do was prolong her death.

that night, sleep evaded me. every time i closed my eyes, the sound of the cannon rang through my ears. i tossed and turned but nothing worked. her face haunted me. she was dead. she would never see her family again. the room began to suffocate me. i needed to get out, to get some fresh air, anything to make it easier to breathe. i got up from the bed and went to leave the apartment. when i opened the door, finnick was outside, staring blankly at where the door was moments ago. it was as if he didn't even notice that i had opened the door.

"finnick?" i called, his eyes slowly moving to me, the dead look lingering.

"is everything alright?" i asked, starting to become concerned. on top of the dead look in his eyes, his hair was disheveled and clothes wrinkled, a stark contrast from the boy who had been helping me out for the past week or so.

"water," he said, licking his chapped lips. it was only out for a moment, but his tongue seemed to be a vibrant pink, as if it were dyed such a color. i brought him inside, getting a glass from the cabinet and turning on the faucet. finnick plopped down on the couch nearby, nearly missing it. his head seemed to be in a daze, and his movements were sluggish. filling up the glass to the top, i quickly gave the water to him. he looked at it for a second, as if he forgot that he had asked for it, before taking a swig of it. after the swig, he chugged the whole glass. after a few seconds, he blinked away whatever was affecting him, and seemed to become aware that he was in my apartment. his eyes still moved slowly, but they were now wrought with a look of… guilt?

"i'm sorry, i felt a bit out of it and didn't know where to go," he said quietly. i sat down next to him, still staring at the mess of a man in front of me.

"what happened?" i asked. i knew there was a story behind all of this.

"i dunno." he couldn't look me in the eyes as he said the words. i knew he was lying, but i didn't want to push him. we sat in silence for a couple of beats, taking everything in. everything. my tribute's death, whatever he was keeping from me, the fucked up nature of the games… and him, being in my temporary mentor apartment, coming to me in what seemed to be a time of need.

"where were you going?" he asked, breaking the silence. he was looking at me now, and his face seemed to have more life in it than a couple of moments prior.

"to get a breath of fresh air. i was suffocating in here," i told him plainly. i expected some words of advice or sympathy, it seemed to be his forte, but none came. instead, he drew back into himself.

"i'm sorry, i didn't mean to interrupt you." he began to play with his fingers, picking and scratching at his hands. i quickly put my hands over his, stopping him from whatever he was doing.

"it looks like you need some fresh air too." i got up and grabbed two blankets from the closet. finnick stood up wordlessly behind me, following me like a lost puppy. i wrapped him up in the slightly larger blanket, struggling to get it around his frame. i then did the same to myself and brought him over to the balcony.

the air had a light chill to it, as if it knew of the sorrows brought by the day's occurrences. i sat down on the floor, and finnick took the spot right next to me. his presence, even if a bit distracted, was welcome. he seemed to be the only constant for me in the capitol. whenever i needed help, or a shoulder to cry on, or even just someone to talk to, he was there. seeing him like this terrified me, but also brought me comfort in some sort of twisted way. he was struggling, just like me. i wasn't alone in this hellhole of a situation.

"are you okay?" he asked. his eyes were broken, and yet, inviting. i felt like i could tell him everything.

"it's just…" i started, taking a shaky breath. my eyes were filling with tears for what felt like the millionth time that day. "i feel like i failed. my job was to get her sponsors and keep her alive, and when it mattered most, i couldn't do either. the sponsors just laughed at me. they laughed! what kind of sick bastards laugh when a child is about to die?" i wept, leaning against him. he tensed for a moment.

"the people of the capitol are heartless. we're mere figures of entertainment to them. it doesn't matter what happens to us, or what we're feeling. all they want is a good show. just a good show…" he trailed off, his voice far away. i hummed in agreement. he looked down at me and seemed to snap out of his airy head space.

"i promise you, you did everything possible for that girl, certainly more than any district 10 mentor has done in the past," he assured me. i nodded into him, deep down i knew that i wouldn't be able to save her, but going through it was much more of a hell than i had imagined. looking up at him from so close, i noticed the dry tear tracks on his face.

"i have no idea what you went through tonight, but know that i'm here for you if you ever need anything." finnick's face paled as i spoke. his eyes started to get shallow again, as if he was repressing some sort of thought or emotion from me. a hollow smile spread across his face, one that was full of insecurity and false reassurance.

"thank you dera," he thanked before trailing off, slightly picking at his fingers again. "is it okay if i stay the night here? i just…" he tried to look for a reason, but i stopped him.

"of course. i don't think i'd get any sleep tonight alone in here anyways." with that, we went back inside. together, we moved the couch closer to the bed, making it so that we wouldn't be too far apart. i had nightmares about my tribute that night, but at least i was able to sleep.

for the rest of the games, finnick and i fell into a routine. at night, he would come back from what he called "capitol business" in some sort of inebriated state, i would help nurse him back to normal, we would fall asleep on the couch and bed, and then we would wake up, finnick being his normal self and showing me around the capitol, as we were relieved of our mentor duties. when the games ended, we parted with reluctant goodbyes, but knew that we would see each other again in a year, even if it was under these terrible circumstances.

finnick told me one night that the games would get a bit easier to handle as the years went on, and for the most part, he was right. sponsors were always hard to come by, but finnick taught me a couple of tips and tricks to help with the process. i learned from the first year that the sponsors didn't want survival, they wanted a show. i trained my tributes to give them a show, to stay alive but give the sponsors a reason to want to keep them alive. some years this got my tributes down to the final days of the games. most years, however, my tributes were tempted by the cornucopia, running in and being killed instantly. in a sick way, those years were easier. with your tributes gone so early, it was easier to speed up the grieving process. it's demented, but it's true. that's how so many of the mentors are able to live with themselves, they let their tributes die early, knowing that they would be gone sooner or later. it was a cynical view, but an unfortunately common one.

as for me and finnick, we became closer and closer with each of the games. for the most part, we continued our tradition of hanging out into the late hours of the night. some nights were light, joking about the obscenities of the capitol, showing each other games we would play in our districts to pass time as children, or just gossiping about random people. finnick always seemed to know everything that was going on, no matter how irrelevant the person was. some nights, however, were much heavier, talking about the problems in our world and coping with the losses of our tributes. finnick still wouldn't tell me about whatever "capitol business" he had, but i know that it got worse as the years went on. my second year as a mentor, finnick turned 18. snow called upon him for this "business" much more frequently, and some nights finnick wouldn't be able to come to my room afterwards. whatever it was, finnick got better at coping with it. there would still be nights where he came to me, disheveled and unattached, but i would always do my best to piece him together and get him through whatever was going on.

the next of the games that district 10 actually stood a chance in was the 74th hunger games. the male tribute died on the fourth day from some trackerjacker venom, while the female tribute made it to the eighth day. she was 18, hoping to make it through her last reaping unscathed. her parents had died a couple year prior to a disease that had traveled through the district, the same one that had taken my own family. she had been living with her aunt and uncle, working as a meat packer. she was tough, having experienced death in her life before the games. she wasn't afraid to be ruthless. she knew that she wanted to win, and she wasn't afraid to do what she needed to do to survive. finnick's tributes had already died, one in the bloodbath and the other from a forest fire while she was sleeping. finnick stayed by my side for the entirety of the games, it was common to see the two of us together, even when getting sponsors. there were whispers among the mentors about us and what we were to each other, but we paid them no mind.

when my tribute was killed by thresh, the district 11 boy, i felt almost exactly like how i did for my first year as a mentor. i really thought that my tribute had a chance, and i grew attached to her. i felt helpless. there was nothing that i could have done, thresh had snuck up on her too quickly to even try to get a sponsor. finnick, being ever sensitive to my feelings, excused us from the other mentors and brought us up to my apartment. at this point, we had a routine for when one of our tributes died. we would go up to my apartment, one of us would make tea, and the two of us would bundle up on the balcony, laying against each other in solemnity. some deaths affected us worse than others, but we treated each one the same. all of our tributes deserved better, they deserved to be back at home, in the districts, with their families. that day's death was one of the worse ones for me.

"every year, i put my all into this job. i want to save them all. and i know that it's not realistic, i know that the capitol doesn't care about district 10, but i want to give them the best chance they can to survive," i ranted. it was a particularly cold night, too cold for just our blankets and sweatshirts, but we wanted to keep up our tradition. it was our safe space, a constant in our somewhat bleak lives. so, i sat with finnick's arms around me, the two blankets wrapped around him, keeping the heat trapped in between us. his hands gently rubbed circles into my arms, something that he had found that would help calm me down. we didn't really comment on each others' pain anymore when it came to mentoring. we both knew exactly what the other was feeling. we learned that usually, the other just needed to vent about their feelings.

"thank you for being here for me, finn. i really appreciate it. some days, it just feels like things will never get better. we were told that once we won the hunger games, we would live the good life. i don't know if i would considering sending unprepared children into the games each year to see them murdered is exactly the 'good life'," i continued, starting to get worked up again.

"i know darlin, i know," he told me, rubbing shapes into my arms again, trying to calm me down. "take a deep breath dera. i can't promise that things will be okay, because i'd be lying straight to your face, but i can promise you that i'll be there, no matter what."

a few days later, katniss and peeta won the games by threatening to kill themselves 'in the name of love'. i watched the moment go down on the screen, and i immediately looked at finnick. he looked back at me with the same amount of shock.

"i have a bad feeling about this, finn."

#finnick odair #finnick x oc #hunger games #fanfic

[inkedbantam]

I made a concept for a character (a human one surprisingly) that has a bit of a story to it per say

They're one of two characters that have kept appearing in a set of reoccurring dreams I've been having lately. I've never figured out a good name for them so they're simply known as "The Dreamwalker". Which is not a name per say but it's a name given to those who travel in the "dreamspace", a place where anything is possible and nothing stays the same, this particular character is notorious specifically for being the only one able to wield the most dangerous power in the dreamspace: The Lucid Flame, capable of destroying literally anything in the dreamspace as needed. They are often referred to as a Boogeyman, and rumors about this individual have circled around, claiming them as an angel of death.

their face is constantly under the mask and they've only revealed it to two other people, one of them being the other character.

Here's the other character: Syn, the Plague's Bane. Syn is a part of a species of sapient, nomadic lizard people known as the Hytan. Both

Syn is gruff, blunt, and has a humor that's as dry as the Sahara desert. He doesn't have time for bullshit and has a lot of baggage that he's trying to work through himself.

For starters, the Dreamwalker and Syn himself were originally childhood friends, especially when the Dreamwalker was first able to utilize their abilities to access the Dream Space, and Syn happened to be the first person they run across at all.

Younger Syn was very curious about them and decided to show the younger Dreamwalker the ropes. And over time they grew close and were best friends that rode both calm waters and rough waves together. For a time, they both thought the friendship wouldn't shatter

That's how things used to be at least. Things began to fall apart when the events happened

A mutating plague (known as The Chaos Aberration) began to spread around, causing both Hytan and Dreamwalker alike to be transformed into hellish nightmare creatures that just attacked and killed without discrimination. The only cure being known as The Lucid Flame.

The Dreamwalker being one of the very few to inherit the Lucid Flame, and Syn being immune to the Chaos Aberration's effects, both were tasked to help wipe out those afflicted, a grim and heavy responsibility for two individuals so young.

Over time the burden became too much for them to bear, and after so many harrowing and traumatic events, it caused their friendship to completely shatter, and the Dreamwalker to lock away their own powers and removing themselves from the dreamspace entirely, leaving a bitter Syn to wander the dreamspace alone, dealing with his own inner demons.

Now in present times, Syn is still wandering, the only thing they have left was an inactive amulet that the Dreamwalker once worn, around his neck to remind him of what once was, but is now not.

Though, the amulet has become active again, which can only mean one thing: the Dreamwalker has re-entered the dreamspace.

Enjoy my blorbo

#blorbo #my artwork #artists on tumblr #my characters #original content #original character

[rebelorder-official]

I am infinitely grateful for all the support you have shown me with the prologue! I hope you also enjoy the first chapter<3

Capter 1

Good Morning Arcadia Oaks

Haruki jerked awake in his bed. His heart was beating fast, sweat was sticking his shirt to his chest, and his breath was reduced to a gasp just like in the dream.

Something was sounding in the room, but it was definitely not the dream witch's chant--no, this something was more repetitive and annoying, like an alarm. It took the boy a few seconds to realize where he was: he was in his bed in his room, no longer in the Dark Lands, and what was sounding was not the fire alarm, but his alarm clock, set as it was every morning at 6:30 sharp.

Haruki then reached out his hand to turn off the alarm clock, and when his fingers touched the off button, a voice took the place of the sound, wishing as it did every morning good morning to all the citizens of the small town where he lived.

"Good morning Arcadia Oaks! It's 6:30 a.m. and time to get up. Today's weather forecast calls for sun in the morning and bad weather in the evening, let's hope the afternoon stays sunny or at least no rain!"

Haruki huffed dejectedly and sat at the edge of the bed massaging his temples. He stretched his legs and arms and dressed, grabbing the first things his closet presented in front of him: a white NASA T-shirt and a pair of dark jeans his aunt had bought him at that Saturday's flea market.

He picked up from the floor the shoulder bag with his school books inside and watched as the clutter of his room gripped the desk covered with papers and junk. The computer on it was still on from the night before and the screen glowed a deep green, almost as if to call attention to itself.

Haruki moved only a moment closer, looking at the encrypted email in the center of the screen in a language unknown to human but very clear to him: trollish.

Just a few words: "Janus awaits socks."

Words that to a human, if he had ever managed to decipher them, would not have meant much, in fact they would probably have made him smile a little, but not Haruki.

He knew that email, which arrived at about 3 o'clock that very morning, could only mean one thing: Another hellish evening working for the Order of Janus.

I mean, come on! It was only Monday and already his fellow changelings had problems to solve. There was never a moment's peace.

But... He knew he had to answer the call. Deep down he knew that without his help, many changelings would feel at least lost in front of those new technologies like computers and telephones. Centuries of writing goose-feathered letters on handmade papyri only to find oneself catapulted into constant progress must have been exhausting to metabolize, so Haruki did not hold it against him.

Luckily for him, he had only been on earth for 18 years, so learning modern culture had not been all that difficult. He had found himself immersed in it since childhood, and when his aunt had given him his first computer at age 12 he had taken an immediate interest in technology and programming. Good thing in hindsight; thanks to his love of computers he had secured a secure place within the Order and now enjoyed a position of respect, but sometimes all that work weighed on him.

He turned off the computer and went downstairs. His aunt was still asleep, a luxury that those of us who are adults and go to work later can afford, while his younger sister, Yuko, would have woken up an hour later anyway, because the middle school where she went was definitely closer to the Ōta family home than Arcadia Oaks High School.

Haruki ate breakfast, composed her sister's packed lunch, and left the house at a brisk pace. He grabbed the blue bicycle Auntie Maemi had given him for his birthday and leapt into the saddle.

He pedaled down the driveway and through the woods, avoided the canal and crossed the large bridge that led to the innermost part of the small town of Arcadia Oaks.

The sky was a brilliant blue and the trees laden with green leaves reminded him that yes, summer was finally near. There wasn't long to go, just enough time to prepare for and take his final exams and then he would enjoy the summer before college; although to fully enjoy it he would actually have to pass at least his final Spanish tests so he wouldn't risk being deferred.

He arrived in front of the school just in time to hear the last bell. He hurried to get off his bike and tie it to the bike rack that the school provided for students. He entered the institution, handling his bag in search of his phone to put it on silent before some message, probably sent by the Order of Janus, could disturb him during Spanish class. It was precisely this distraction of his that caused him to collide with the one person he really hoped not to meet that morning.

"Mr. Ōta." Groaned the professor, backing away a few steps after being bumped.

"M-Mr. Strickler!" Haruki stammered, trying to compose himself in the most dignified manner possible.

Strickler's jade eyes met the younger boy's brown ones.

"I'm glad to see you're okay..." The history teacher added, aggravating his voice slightly. "I thought you were sick." He raised an eyebrow and Haruki felt a jolt of chills run down his spine.

And there it was, he would have bet. He knew that someone like Strickler would never let something like that out of his sight-but let me explain. You know how I told you that someone like Haruki certainly couldn't escape a call from the Order of Janus? There, I lied.

Haruki was perfectly capable of ignoring an order like that.

Just the night before, despite a fairly important e-mail request for help, Haruki had fallen asleep from an overdose of afternoon study in a desperate attempt to pass the Spanish assignment he would have that morning, and so at the Order a wi-fi malfunction during a conference with the base of operations in Tokyo had turned into sheer chaos and terror, later escalating into trollish profanity and an unpleasant brawl.

"I... fell asleep to be honest." Muttered Hideki, lowering his head as his cheeks tinged red.

Mr. Strickler's eyebrows rose comically, and a very unsurprised smile plastered on his face. "Don't tell me..." He teased him with that thick English accent of hers that used to drive the group of moms at parent-teacher class interviews so crazy.

"I'm sorry, I really am. It's just... I have this Spanish assignment today and..." Attempted the boy, but his teacher beat him to it:

"School is important Mr. Ōta, I understand that. After all, I'm a teacher myself. Don't worry, I know that this morning Mr. Uhl will give you a hard time with the new test, you did well to study."

Haruki almost managed to breathe a sigh of relief before Strickler was able to finish the sentence.

"However... Janus awaits his socks with great anxiety. There have been some um... problems."

Haruki sensed as he looked around that the professor's words were dosed so that no student passing by could understand them. He looked up and their eyes met; Strickler barely smiled, but Haruki noticed a purple bruise protruding behind the collar of the teacher's blue turtleneck.

A scuffle.

Bular.

His blood chilled again.

"Tonight I will be there professor, I promise. There is nothing more important to me than ... deliveries."

The professor's smile became more sincere and he waved a hand in the air disengagedly. "Very well then. Good assignment Mr. Ōta, I hope Mr. Uhl didn't really go as hard as he described to me this morning."

Strickler walked away at an elegant pace, and watching him leave Haruki could not help but pause to think about how capable the man was of blending in with the crowd of humans while still remaining integral to his identity. In short, he was not a totally anonymous man, he knew a lot of people through his role as a history teacher, and yet Haruki was certain that no one, ever in the history of Arcadia Oaks, could have suspected that he was a changeling.

It was Strickler himself in those years who had taught him that although it was important to blend in with the crowd better than anyone else, a changeling could aspire to great things.

There was only one constraint to adhere to: never tie oneself to anyone. The changelings were not meant to have friends, let alone a family. It was bad enough that they put up with their own kind and did not kill each other....

The right medium was to make humans trust themselves without really letting them into their lives or let them know the truth about their true nature, which was much more difficult than or could not seem to be...

When Mr. Strickler's footsteps were only a distant memory, the silence of the hallway managed to interrupt the flow of his thoughts.

Haruki took a quick glance at the clock on the wall and lost a beat in surprise; it was definitely late and the reason the hallway was now deserted was that all the students were already in their classes.

The boy ran almost to the point of crashing into the front door of the classroom and when he opened it all his classmates were already sitting in their seats.

Homework on their desks and pens in their hands.

Mr. Uhl, an Austrian man in his early twenties, was leaning against the desk with his arms folded. When his gaze crossed Haruki's, he smiled wickedly, waving a sheet full of questions on the front and back.

The damn paper in class.

The boy ran and picked it up and settled down at his desk, the one in the third row near the wall, to begin filling out the test he had studied so hard for.

As he read the questions, panic targeted his mind, making the evening spent studying completely useless.

"Shit." He muttered, as Mr. Uhl's clear eyes smiled wickedly at him, as if the man already knew that the boy's fate was sealed with a big red F on his report card.

#tales of arcadia #tales of arcadia oc #the rebel order #trollhunters prequel #toa wizards #trollhunters #haruki ōta #ao3 #ao3 fanfic #toa ao3 #toa fanfiction #toa Rebel Order #walter strickler #stricklander #janus order

[pattie-remembers]

Did George know about Eric sometimes forcing himself on you when he was drunk?

That Eric would be violent towards me was a deep dark secret that I shared with no one. Not even my sister, Jenny. I couldn’t face the fact that after all the years of chasing me, he wasn’t the loving man I had imagined. If I had bruises, I was sure to wear clothes that covered them. I couldn’t bear the idea of people knowing life with Eric was far from perfect. I’d given up on a man who was loved by everyone, for a guy who I soon found out didn’t have many real friends. Alcohol and drugs and a huge lack of coping strategies ensured that a small misunderstanding could blow up into a huge fight. The abuse, both verbal and physical brought back all the horrors of my childhood, and I felt as hopeless as I had under my step father’s reign of terror.

One day I was alone at Hurtwood. Hurtwood wasn’t like Friar Park, which always had people in and out. If Eric was on tour or gone to London I’d be on my own for days at a time. Maybe the cleaning lady would come but that would be about it. I remember it was summer and I was was alone and expected no company. It was a beautiful warm day and I decided to sun myself in the garden. Nothing like a good dose of sunshine to help chase the blues away.

The sun was warm on my face when I heard footsteps on the path and I opened my eyes surprised to see George. 

“Darling! What brings you here? Eric’s at the studio.” George bent down to kiss my cheek hello and then he pulled a chair close and sat down. I’d forgotten the huge bruise on my thigh where I’d been knocked into the dresser or the five bruises on my upper arm obviously made by a hand gripping me in anger. I was a little shy being in a bathing suit now that George and I were no longer married and I reached for my robe.

“Pattie, what the fuck.” George put a tentative finger on the contusion that covered the top of my leg. 

“Oh you know how clumsy I am. I walked into something,” I vaguely tried to explain.

“And these?” He gently held my arm and his fingers matched up perfectly to the black and blue marks. “I suppose you just walked into someone’s hand.”

“How long has this been going on?” George demanded to know. And knowing I couldn’t lie my way out, I started to cry. 

George sat there in the garden and held my hand and let me cry. Once I started I just poured it all out, but as usual made excuses. Eric was drunk. I’d been a nag. On and on. Finally we went inside and George made us tea and we sat at the kitchen table and he told me to pack up my things. “You aren’t staying here,” he said. “Come home.”

I laughed. Friar Park hadn’t been my home for almost ten years. “You have a wife. You’re not allowed two. I don’t think that will quite work out.” I took a deep breath. “But thank you. It means a lot to me.” 

George hung out a while and then he left. While I appreciated his concern, what could anyone do to help me when I couldn’t even help myself?

The next day a courier brought me a letter with a cheque for £6000. From George. “Getaway money” and the om symbol were on the enclosed card. I hid the cheque in a book knowing Eric would be furious if he ever saw it. 

Then a few days later Eric came home. He was quiet. Not much to say. I went to bed in my own room not knowing really what to do. Not wanting to be with him, but not wanting to incur his wrath, either. To my surprise, he stood in my doorway and said he was sorry. “I won’t hurt you again,” he said quietly before walking down the hall to our bedroom.

He never did hurt me physically again. He still screamed and had tantrums. He’d throw my clothes out the window and tell me to get out, but he never pushed me or shoved me. Of course, life was still hellish. While we could still have good times, Eric was a far worse cheat than George. And while I couldn’t get pregnant, he had children by two different women. Years later, after George had died, I saw Eric in London. Sober Eric with a family was quite different from the man I had been married to. He even apologized for being such a drunken ass all those years. “It was wrong of me to get physical. I still feel guilty.” 

“What did George say to you?” I asked him after we’d been talking awhile. 

“He said he’d kill me if he ever saw a bruise on you again,” Eric said. He looked at me over the rim of his glass of mineral water. “I believed him.”

I never did cash that cheque. It’s a reminder of what you do for those you love. 

#pattie boyd #george harrison #pattie remembers

[lesbianmarrow]

ok i rewatched legends of tomorrow 5.04 “slay anything” and i liked it more than when i watched it the first time a few days ago. still had some issues but i think since i knew the big plot twist it changed how i viewed the episode which is a good thing i think. really strong a & b plots, though the c plot with constantine (c for constantine hehe) was a bit weaker. but that’s fine. 

my biggest issue was how the episode kind of conflates true crime and horror. simply because horror can be really fun because it’s not real but true crime is talking about real tragedies and atrocities and it feels wrong to make that into something fun. and it’s just really uncomfortable in this episode to see ava treating this serial killer as some kind of celebrity. if she had been super excited to meet, say, a vampire or werewolf, i wouldn’t have minded, but since high schoolers mass murdering their peers is a thing that happens in real life it’s harder for me to find it funny. i enjoyed the cliche horror tropes in this episode but the references to true crime fandom impeded my enjoyment. 

when i initially watched the episode i was really frustrated by how much attention was given to the murderer because again it sort of sensationalizes that crime. so i was really happy with the twist that the murderer was actually his mom all along. i was able to enjoy it a lot more the second time knowing that this wasn’t the story of nora trying to placate a bullied high school kid so he doesn’t grow up to be a murderer, but rather was the story of nora connecting with a bullied high school kid and empathizing with the pain and powerlessness he feels and showing him that although life sucks right now things will get better in the future. it’s a smart twist! and it becomes a really powerful story about nora and what it means to her to have the power to make children’s lives better when her own childhood was so hellish. since we have seen what evil murderous nora is like, i think that makes it more poignant how she is acknowledging freddy’s murderous potential and telling him that he can be better than that. of course, it turns out he was never the murderer, but that doesn’t mean he still didn’t have that potential. it’s just great to see nora able to help this kid who was in a bad situation just like she once was. 

i like that it’s ray who suggests that they go back in time to prevent the murderer from committing murder. of course it would be ray. he was really sweet in this episode, like when he was so ready to eat nora’s p*ssy but then she fell asleep LOL. actually that was such a great scene bc it sets up nora’s arc for the episode of learning how much her magical gifts can mean to kids while also showing us where ray & nora are in their relationship now. also it’s just a really adorable scene. against my better judgment i did enjoy when ray holds his arm to nora to go to prom and then holds out his other arm for nate. sometimes gay jokes are good actually. 

sara & ava were cute......i know i complained about ava’s thing earlier but it was nice to see her so passionate about a hobby or interest. i enjoyed seeing sara having to steer ava back on track while ava kept getting distracted bc usually it’s the other way around. i feel like sara had some really good facial expressions in this one, particularly in response to ava’s silliness. i liked when ava got so excited at them being final girls and then sara called ava her final girl <3 

zari stuff in this episode was so good. so so good. the show is taking a lot of delight in poking fun at zari’s wealthy influencer businesswoman nonsense, but it still gets us to treat zari seriously and care about her and empathize with her. that’s partly because we care about the previous zari we’ve known, and partly because tala ashe is a really good actor, but also because the writing isn’t turning zari into a complete joke but instead gives us a complex and nuanced (if very silly) character. when behrad is making fun of her and she says “i’m not a void! i’m a business” oh i felt that. it’s really wonderful seeing her suddenly rediscover her hacker skills. i can’t wait for her impending identity crisis. the irony is that zari is “successful” due to her fame and wealth, but these very things are what are keeping her from being in touch with who she really is and what she really wants. 

i also thought it was interesting how zari talks about how her parents favor behrad. i might have misinterpreted it but i felt like there was an implication of cultural misogyny, like her parents favor behrad bc he’s the son. i never had a brother so i never experienced anything like that personally, but i know that in a lot of cultures parents see sons as a strength and daughters as a burden. it felt to me like that was what zari was feeling frustrated about, and that she felt like even though she worked so hard and became so successful her parents still didn’t recognize her worth. but again i might be reading too much into it. regardless it’s a really nice look into the relationship between zari and behrad and i just really adore that sibling relationship. 

constantine story was blehhhh whatever. like i get that we need it for the plot but who caressss. at least charlie was there finally! charlie disaster bisexual moments. oh hang on i just realized there were scenes with just charlie & constantine & gary, all canonically bisexual characters. how fun is that. but yeah ummmm sorry constantine i dont care that much about your sad backstory :( i also didnt like this romance with mick and that lady but that’s just because i’m a gay mick truther

#legends of tomorrow #nora darhk #ava sharpe #sara lance #avalance #zari tarazi #syl posts

[darkmoon-dolt]

thank you for answering my question about the elden ring i have another small question -> whats up with the giant guy with the tiny horse boss fight

AHAHHAHAAA

STARSCOURGE RADAHN, THE FAMED RED LION IS A FEROCIOUS WARRIOR!

Radahn is another shardbarer, half brother to Mohg and Morgott. He studied Gravity Sorcery for 2 causes. The first was to combat fate, as it was told that the fate of House Caria (their family) lies in the movement of the stars. So the big guy HELD THE STARS STILL! SOME OF THESE WERE MEANT TO FALL TO THE EARTH! The other cause was so, even in his giant body, he could ride with his faithful but frail childhood steed Leonard :). He floats so his horse doesn't carry as much weight.

During the Shattering, he fought his half-sister Malenia and her Scarlet Rot to a standstill in the Caelid Wilds, which have since become horribly infected. While the battle was considered a draw, Malenia returned to Elphael and the Haligtree, while Radahn remained at the battlefield and his sanity died as he succumbed in part to the scarlet rot. He now wanders there, devouring the corpses of both his felled enemies and his own fallen soldiers, like a diseased stray dog.

There is an event in game where you meet up with other champions who seek to kill Radahn in a massive Festival of War, held by his right hand man, and last castellan of Redmane Castle. It was his request before he succumbed to the rot that he be given a valorous and glorious death.

It is only after his defeat that the stars resume their course, meaning that even in madness and in grueling hellish battles, HE HELD THE COSMOS IN PLACE LIKE A BADASS!

If you choose to get the game and still have lore questions, please turn to me, I will take any opportunity to rant about this, though I can not promise it will be as linear and cohesive as this.

#I should note that I am not telling you everything about any character or lore because I would think it fun for you to learn some of this #like the lore and the reasons behind some events #astraldemise

[chidoroki]

What are your top 5 Isabella chapters? (You're so cool!!!)

Oh anon, you're amazing and I hope you know by asking me anything about this woman means that I'm gonna do more than simply list out the chapters for you.

Okay, sooo these chapters may seem like obvious choices but they're no doubt the first few that came to my mind (which may or may not be because I have their numbers memorized). Unfortunately I don't think I have the heart to rank them because aahh, I love each one a significant amount and for various reasons?? and whichever one I deem as the best could easily change the more I think about it.. so I'm just gonna list them in chronological order instead. Hope that's okay!

1 - Chapter 24: Inspection, Part 1 Part of me wants to cheat and list chapter 24 & 25 together since both cover November 2nd and the major events in said chapters are what make S1EP8 one of the best episodes to showcase how terrifyingly great Isabella is, but if I had to choose just one, then I'll go with ch24. Yes seeing her break Emma's leg and announce Norman's shipment are both jaw dropping moments capable of making anyone speechless, but ch25 also has quite a few pages just solely dedicated to the internal dialogues of the duo, so that doesn't help us here hm?. While Isabella dropping her "loving mother" facade and speaking to the food Emma & Norman directly as an actual caretaker is chilling, her confrontation with Ray in ch24 leaves more of an impact on me, given their mother-son relationship and totally not because they're my two favorites, that's crazy. Not only does she nonchalantly reveal that she had Krone killed at the same time Ray was wondering the sister's whereabouts, but she also labels Ray as a traitor, effectively cutting him off as her personal spy and any safety she once guaranteed him. She then makes the resolve to control the children with her own hands instead from now on, which sends Ray into an absolute panic, because if he is no longer safe, then no one is. Along with the anime giving us that added scene of her tossing Ray aside like a rag doll and every frame/panel that shows the sheer confidence she has on her face, having Isabella knock off her biggest ally is such a powerful move to me. This chapter is basically like the queen setting up the board for the perfect checkmate. And it works.

2 - Chapter 37: Escape Courtesy of all Krone's information in ch20-21, Grandma Sarah's single panel flashback in ch23 and even Isabella's own ID number way back in ch3, it was pretty common knowledge at this point that Isabella also experienced the same false childhood as any other kid at Grace Field, but finally seeing her morals and backstory from her own perspective will literally take any hatred you had towards her and toss it out the window (probably) because you'll feel emotions you didn't think you would've originally had towards this fantastic antagonist. The brief interaction we get to witness between her and Leslie is beyond wholesome, so of course the story chooses to break your heart the next moment by skipping right to his shipment and a heartbroken Isabella (which is portrayed way better in anime as manga literally has a panel of her smiling as she waves goodbye, like..huh?). It's also confirmed that she attempted to escape GF and just how important Leslie's song is to not only her, but to Ray as well as he uses this tune in order to verify that Isabella is indeed his real mother. On top of all that, we come to learn that she excels with her position as Mom for the sake of the children so she can indirectly extend their lives as long as possible and give them all the love she can before they’re unfortunately shipped off. Yes her main goal is to stay alive in this hellish world herself, I know, but this chapter is just a fantastic example showing how Isabella isn't as selfish as she once seemed and does care about her children a great deal (and more than herself later on in the story), even going as far as retrieving the ropes the fifteen escapees used to cross the cliff so the pursuing demons wouldn't locate them as quickly. She accepts her defeat and admits her mistakes, as well as express her well wishes to those that escaped and continues to care for the kids that were left behind while she can. There's just.. a lot to this chapter and it does so much for her character y'all, you know this. Needless to say but the anime handles this chapter wonderfully, especially with the soundtracks and the fantastic choice of having her let her hair down aahh she's beautiful.

3 - Chapter 170: Together As much as I love the very end of ch169 and the pure shock it gave me, I gotta choose the following chapter because it made it just as excited to learn what led Isabella to completely turn against Peter. We're reminded of how frustrated Isabella is with the farm system and its tactics that causes them to live in fear, flaunting freedom as bait as they all constantly fight each other just to survive longer than anyone and prove to be useful, less they get killed for acting out or by simply giving up. She successfully manages to rally every single sister & mother at the GF headquarters together (with barely any sort of resistance or issue) in order to rebel against the Ratri clan, which happens mere moments before Emma & company actually raid the facility by the way, just to avoid any suspicions from Peter about the plan itself. Amidst all the suspense and anger, we hear of Isabella's thoughts about how relieved she is to see her children again and how touched she is at the fact they still refer to her as their mom, even if she believes she doesn't deserve the sentiment. In true "Iron Lady" fashion, she keeps these emotions to herself and expresses that it's just convenient she and the kids share a similar goal. Oh, she also refers to Peter as a boy, which I will always find hilarious. To top it all off, it gives me the best mother-daughter moment ever. This is the chapter where she completely won me over and has been a favorite of mine ever since.

4 - Chapter 177: Mother And this is the chapter that completely breaks me. I'm not exaggerating when I say that whenever I revisit this moment I either start to tear up or get real emotional, so I shall let you know my emotional state after I sit and write this out. So, the wonderful woman I fell in love with just seven chapter ago? Mhhmm, DEAD! By some fucking random ass demon who is no doubt my most hated character in this series. ANYWAYS. This unforgivable event was first teased in the last couple pages in ch176, which officially released on MOTHER'S DAY, so not only is that such horrible timing but THEN we had to painfully wait a full week to see if the Iron Lady would survive this or if the children were gonna lose yet another parental figure. Needless to say, the worst case scenario happened and my heart was shattered into pieces. My emotions aside, the chapter itself is (surprisingly?) one of my favorites out of the entire series and is heartwarming is the most upsetting way possible. Isabella putting herself in harms way to save Emma & the other girl (with no hesitation might I add) speaks volumes about how much she loves her kids and how far she'll go to ensure they can live a bright future, even if it means by sacrificing her own life, which was once the only she cared about. The fact Isabella still possessed enough strength after being stabbed to hold back this bastard demon twice her size is worth mentioning as well. Once the demon is taken care of, the first thing she's concerned with is Emma & everyone else's safety, showing us even further that they now take priority over herself (even since ch37, I’ll argue). Despite literally giving her life to save Emma (along with all her other subtle moments I've no doubt mentioned here & in other posts), Isabella admits that she still hasn't done enough to atone for all the trauma she caused them, even though the kids had already forgiven her a couple chapters ago, she still feels the need to do so much more for them. The hug between her and the majority of the GF kids is sad as hell, especially with Emma's internal & external dialogue, but it is always the final interaction between mother and son that breaks my heart. Isabella apologized to all the kids in ch174, but her tearful apology to Ray here holds so much weight; for not treating him right or loving him as a true mother should to her own son, for all the lies and pain that made his life a living hell which left him suicidal. Her final wish for Ray to take care of everyone hurts in all the right ways because despite their differences, they both care for their family so much where they would literally die and live for them. It's a lot of emotion coming from a woman who once had an unbreakable facade, and seeing her use up her final bit of strength to share all that with Ray gets me close to tears. This death had upset me so much that I stopped myself from listening to "Isabella's Lullaby" for a good year because I knew that hearing that melody would only remind me of this heartbreaking chapter. (and yes I'm making myself emotional right now).

5 - Chapter 181.7: A Mother’s Determination Take everything that made the previous four mentioned chapters so great (her strategic mind/her dedication/her powerful influence/her love for the children) and combined all of that into one and you shall get Isabella's special one-shot. It shows us the very beginning (Jan-Feb 2046) of Isabella's time as Grandma of the Grace Field plantation and how she commits to her plan of helping the escapees when they return. In order to succeed, she first reduces the number of shipments (which effectively spares many children's lives), suspects she might be targeted by the other sisters & mothers and even successfully determines which women might actually try to backstab her, all in the span of one month. She also anticipated the perfect moment when they were gonna strike, flawlessly counters their sad attempt of sabotaging her, then easily taunts them to the point where the four sisters are visibly shaking in fear of their lives. Without any delay, she proposes the idea to destroy GF in such a calm and confident manner and proceeds to tug at their emotions with the reveal that each one of their own kids are still alive, how frustratingly unfair the farm system and how strongly she believes she can tear it all down. This is the Iron Lady at her best, and nothing motivates her more than her children. Of course rebelling to end this endless cycle of hatred and fear is a huge factor in why Isabella is putting in so much effort to change destiny, but fighting in order to secure a bright future where her children are free to live normal lives without any sort of fear is something she has always strived for, and now that she has the power to openly assist them create that future, you can bet she's gonna try her damn hardest to give them the happiness they so rightfully deserve. We started the story off with the children learning from her, so it’s pretty amazing (despite this chapter being released after the main story finished) that we end with Isabella using what she learned from her children in order to take control and unite against the real enemy. The only downside to this fantastic chapter is the last panel because I don't wanna be reminded that this absolute queen is actually dead, damn it!

Alrighty, I think that about does it.. and I have no doubt I repeated myself a bunch too hahaa. I still have no idea which chapter I enjoy most now, even among those I mentioned briefly, but it's clear as day that Isabella is amazing. Thank you again for the question anon! Always a pleasure chatting about TPN and I hope you have a great rest of your day/night!

#the promised neverland #tpn manga #tpn isabella #mother isabella #a wild ask appeared #chidoroki used chatter

[myinspirationjournalquotes]

Motherthing by Ainslie Hogarth

Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Read: January 9th, 2024 - January 16th, 2024

Genre: Horror/Gothic/Supernatural/Domestic Fiction

Synopsis: "When Ralph and Abby Lamb move in with Ralph's mother, Laura, Abby hopes it's just what she and her mother-in-law need to finally connect. After a traumatic childhood, Abby is desperate for a mother figure, especially now that she and Ralph are trying to become parents themselves. Abby just has so much love to give—to Ralph, to Laura, and to Mrs. Bondy, her favorite resident at the long-term care home where she works. But Laura isn't interested in bonding with her daughter-in-law. She's venomous and cruel, especially to Abby, and life with her is hellish.

"When Laura takes her own life, her ghost starts to haunt Abby and Ralph in very different ways: Ralph is plunged into depression, and Abby is terrorized by a force intent on destroying everything she loves. To make matters worse, Mrs. Bondy's daughter is threatening to move her from the care home, leaving Abby totally alone. With everything on the line, Abby comes up with a chilling plan that will allow her to keep Mrs. Bondy, rescue Ralph from his tortured mind, and break Laura's hold on the family for good. All it requires is a little ingenuity, a lot of determination, and a unique recipe for chicken a la king..."

Thoughts: There are multiple hard-hitting, well-thought-out themes present throughout the novel. I will be keeping this book on my "modern feminist" shelf alongside novels such as The Vegetarian. In particular, the need of having others to rely on—both "mothering" and "babying" especially—was something I continue to think about.

I ended up using the multiple genres listed by Google because this novel was very difficult for me to categorize. The ending was not how I typically think of horror/gothic genres, but there are elements of it heavily present throughout the novel. The supernatural genre was a given but the domestic genre is strangely fitting.

When describing the book to my grandmother, I attempted to put this into words and landed on this: The sense of the horror within the book is true but short lived. There is no overarching suspense or fear other than your own curiosity for how things will shake out. Instead, each element feels heavily symbolic. These things are happening to the main character but the audience is supposed to understand them for their implied meaning rather than just their literal meaning.

Motherthing was overall humorous and gripping. A definite re-read for me.

#book review #motherthing #ainslie hogarth #literature