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copperbadge · 1 year

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Before I left for vacation I did my usual “tidy for the petsitter” routine, and there was some paperwork that I thought should probably get put away, so I stashed it in a storage bin I had out. Because I know me, I put a note in my to-do list for when I got back that said “There’s important stuff in the bin, remember to go get it.”

So I did, but I thought I should deal with the other stuff in the bin too, and I’ve just been popping the lid and dealing with one or two things every time I go past it. Most of it is paperwork, and I’ve just hit some records from high school that my mother recently gave to me without either of us going through them.

There’s a bunch of report cards, which are heartbreaking and hilarious. I graduated a semester early and my last semester was cleanup -- two classes to complete graduation requirements and one to maintain status as a “full time” student. Two were math-based which I was notoriously bad at, and sure enough at the midterm I was getting a D+ in one and a C- in the other. We’d just begun digital grade recording, so the teachers would keep their grades in a paper book and then log into an extremely basic database and enter the grades, which would spit out on our printed report cards. They could put in a grade plus three “codes” which would print next to our grades as status updates, stuff like “disruptive in class” or similar.

My English course, in which I was getting an A, said “Exceeding expectations” which was kind of Mr. G because I remember him and his expectations were exceptionally high for me.

The other two have the same catechism: Missing Assignments, Does Not Pay Attention In Class, and of course...Achievement Not Up To Ability. Guess now we know why.

Reading through these old cards with the cushion of time, it’s fascinating to see my young brain at work. My math and (math-based) science grades tank so hard, at the same time I was getting As or Bs everywhere else -- history, civics, econ, english, spanish. There are documented questions about whether I’m going to pass enough math to graduate high school, dated the same semester as my perfect Verbal SAT score and my fives in AP Comp and Lit. The first semester after I was put into the Gifted program, I failed Remedial Algebra.

I did say at the time, to my mother and my teachers, there’s something wrong here. My mother, in her defense, had her hands full with my brother; my teachers just didn’t know what to do with me. The school district was broke and didn’t have disability testing available. By the time I got to college I’d simply internalized the idea that I was a neurotypical kid who got stubborn when asked to do something I found pointless and boring, and that was a personality flaw to be corrected, not a symptom of something bigger. My therapist for my last few years of high school agreed, and thought I should probably learn more anger management techniques. Although it turns out you can’t breathing-exercise your way out of undiagnosed ADHD.

In any case, here in 2023, there’s no solution or tidy resolution or anything to be done about it, it just is what it is: a sheaf of paper from the late 90s about a smart fuckup who could have used a hand. I’m here now, alive and employed and medicated and a homeowner, so it’s a bunch of numbers that don’t mean anything. I’ll scan them into my digital archive, then toss the paper and never look at the archive again, probably.

Achievement not up to ability. Boy, no kidding.

#sam has adhd #archive

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enderblogs-24 · 3 months

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"Everyone's autistic now," "Why's there so much autism," "So many kids faking autism these days."

You know. I had been suspecting I was autistic since I started to understand what that meant, around middle school. I was working with two different autistic kids in a Girl Scout troop I led with my mom, and they did/said things that felt familiar. But I didn't dare bring up those thoughts, because my little cousin was autistic, that was his thing, and I didn't want to seem like I was looking for attention.

I started looking into autism for real when I hit my 20's, because those suspicions never went away... just buried. I had been focusing on other areas of my life anyway - my transition. But that was over, and I could see that things were still "off" about me. I love diving deep into different disabilities, disorders, and mental illnesses, but avoided autism because I was scared of what I'd find. I took maybe one test, masked up and guarded as hell, and because of that it said I wasn't autistic. I didn't answer truthfully, so I went looking elsewhere. ADHD, maybe. I ended up trying to get an ADHD diagnosis, and got misdiagnosed with a personality disorder that can be misdiagnosed in autistic adults. I felt I didn't have an option but to accept the diagnosis, because I was on my way to Chicago; out of time and out of money.

Nearly six months after the misdiagnosis, while I had been looking into the personality disorder and knew for certain I didn't meet the criteria for a diagnosis, (but masked through the appointments, which is how I got it) I had worked extensively on unmasking. I learned many neurodivergencies masked, and thought I'd give unmasking a shot, soon realizing I'd been doing it forever. Once I got better at unmasking, I eventually looked into autism again. What would it hurt to be told no twice? I took a couple quizzes again. Slowed down, answered honestly, and gave every answer my full attention. And I scored high on every one. It was terrifying. But it was also... a relief? While a few of those quizzes weren't too be taken seriously, I did take tests on official sites made by and for autistic people. When I came home from Chicago in summer 2022, I told my mom and showed her all my past scores on official tests like the RAADS, one of which I take annually. Part of me still has doubts that I'm not faking it, I guess.

All of this, at least past 2021, has occurred while people have been posting their own stores about discovering and getting diagnosed as adults. While I initially started looking into things on my own, hearing these people's stories on occasion really, really helped. Random strangers on the internet in a reel telling me they'd been overlooked because they were afab, did well in school, and didn't have many other adults around to see a difference... really helped. I could sneak into the autistic tags on Tumblr and look around at posts, relate to them silently, write down my findings in my little notebook, and go about my day. This "autism boom" as it were really helped, just because everyone suddenly showing off who they are, telling the world "I'm different and that's okay," really, really... helped. I know why I've always felt different and wrong, I know why I struggle with certain things, and I know why certain things will likely never be possible on my own. That's so much better than going thrift my life wondering and beating myself up because I can't function like everyone else.

Everyone isn't suddenly being diagnosed as autistic, now. People are just... starting to listen. Starting to get more comfortable. Obtaining more resources. And it's really nice. ❤️

#actually autistic #autistic #autism #actuallyautistic #late diagnosed autistic #ender's life #he/they

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feyhunter78 · 11 months

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AAAA I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE NEXT PART I LOVE YOUR WRITING SMM ❤️❤️

Thank you!!!! 🥺🥺 I'm excited to see y'all's reactions to the newest chapterrrrr Also, I lied about the smut it's in the next chapter, but there is some suggestive type stuff unfortunately it's from Todd

Pink Pastels Pt 9

Description: It's Saturday, and you're at a sports bar with Todd, until you find yourself on the roof with Spiderman.

Pt 10

It’s Saturday. One of your two days off, and all you want to do is relax, but here you are at a shitty sports bar, beer already spilled on your shorts by some drunk idiot, your boyfriend completely ignoring you as he pounds his fist against the bar, screaming at the TV. His team is losing, you assume, as you push away from the bar, drink in hand, and wonder back to your table.

You pull out your phone and scroll through your email, responding to a few, ignoring others, until finally you see a response from a kid in your class’s mother.

Jessica Tompson: Ms. Y/N, I will be available at six PM on Monday to meet with you regarding Tommy’s behavior. I look forward to getting to the bottom of this issue.

You smile and send her a quick response back; you’ve been trying to get Tommy’s mother in for a meeting since October. Tommy wasn’t a bad kid, he just needed extra support and attention, and potentially some ADHD testing. But you knew people were hesitant to test their kids, afraid to “label” them, even though those “labels” could really help their kids in school.

You couldn’t count how many times you’ve explained that identifying where kids are struggling can get them access to accommodations that they need to thrive. Such as extra time on assignments or a quieter, smaller room to take tests in, so they weren’t as distracted. Sure, they wouldn’t get these things forever, but if they got them now, it would help them learn how to self-regulate for the future.

You tap your fingers on the tabletop happily and bound over to Todd. “Hey, guess what, I’m finally getting that mom to come in and talk to me.”

“Who?” He asks, beer in hand, his eyes glued to the screen.

“Tommy Tompson’s mom.”

“Oh, the hot one with the nice rack?”

One of his friends high-fives him, and you put on a tight smile. “I don’t really look at my students’ parents like that, but maybe?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got eyes, sue me.” Then he slammed his beer down on the bar. “Are you fucki��that’s bullshit, Ref!”

Miguel wouldn’t say things like that, he wouldn’t ignore you for football. He’d congratulate you, slip between your legs, his full lips parted, his pink tongue finding a hom— You shake yourself out of your thoughts.

This was crazy, you shouldn’t have done that… Should have stuck to fantasizing about a celebrity, or well, you should’ve been thinking about Todd, he is your boyfriend.

“What a shitty call, Ref!” You echo him, and that earns you a smile thrown your way, and an arm around your shoulders.

You just want things to go back to how they used to be, but honestly, you’re not even sure it used to be good. Maybe you just didn’t really know any different, but now after, all those little chats at pickup, during parent teacher meetings, and then the day at the zoo? How is it that a man, who barely knows you, treats you better than your boyfriend of years?

You walk home with Todd leaning heavily on you, his lips are on your neck, sloppy and clumsy, missing that certain spot on your neck in favor of slobbering all over your skin.

“Todd, maybe we need to slow down a bit.” You say carefully, trying to pry him off you.

“Again?” He sighs heavily, annoyance clear in his tone.

Your face flushes, shame burning through you, and you bite your lip to keep the tears at bay.

When you first started dating you were so new to everything, you’d had a few boyfriends before, but they were short-lived, almost chaste. Todd on the other hand was a complete and utter manwhore.

“I thought you were over all that.” He grumbles, trudging along the sidewalk, refusing to look at you.

He wanted everything fast, fast, fast, and you were dragged along for the ride, anxious and unprepared.

“I am, I am, it’s just you’re drunk, and your head is going to hurt in the morning…” You tell him, helping him up the stairs and through your apartment door.

He makes a beeline for your living room and flops down on your couch. “So, what, I want you, and you’re my girlfriend, so.”

You try to hide your grimace, but he sees it and groans.

“You’re always like this, I swear, such a prude.” He throws an arm over his eyes and unzips his pants, pulling his cock out.

You blanch, there’s no way he’s just going to jerk off, drunk, in the middle of your living room, right?

“Todd, seriously?” You snap, grabbing a decorative pillow and hurling it at him.

He ignores you, pumping himself, grunts and groans spilling from his lips. You used to find him attractive, you’ve always liked when he was vocal but now? Now it feels traitorous to hear him instead of Miguel.

But you’ve never heard Miguel, your mind was just making things up, that’s what dreams and fantasies are.

“You’re such a dick.”

He sat up, still gripping his erect cock. Was it smaller than you remembered? “Maybe I wouldn’t be if you’d do your job.”

"My job?” You ask, thoroughly confused.

He points at his cock, and you bite the inside of your cheek to keep from laughing, there’s no way he means what you think he means.

“Good girls suck their boyfriend’s dick.” He says it with such certainty, that it sounds ridiculous.

You bust out laughing, doubling over, gasping for breath. “You’re so full of it.”

“I’m not, you’re just a—” then he goes quiet, and you look up to see him passed out cold, cock still in hand.

You stand there for a moment, flabbergasted. There’s no fucking way that just happened.

Throwing a blanket over Todd, you head for the fire escape a different blanket in hand, climbing up to the roof, and sitting on the edge of the roof, feet dangling, your hands behind you supporting you as you lean back.

You let out a sigh, tilting your head up towards the night sky. It feels good out here, cool breeze, the sounds of the city at night, the gentle coo of the pigeons the apartment manager cares for.

A soft thump draws your attention, and you jump scrambling away from the edge, and turning on your heel. Only to come face to chest with Spiderman.

“I wish it was that easy to get everyone off the ledge.” He says, a hint of humor in his voice.

You remember what he looks like, and his face, mask? is everywhere, but it’s different when you’re not terrified or watching some grainy news footage.

“And he’s funny too.” You joke, giving him a small smile.

He tilts his head, scanning you, then reaches out and his gloved thumb brushes across your cheek. “You were crying?”

Were you crying? You touch your face, your fingertips coming away damp. “Oh, I didn’t even notice, it’s just been a long day.”

You spread out your blanket and sit, your back against the wall, and you pat the space before you.

“Won’t your boyfriend be upset if he found out, you’re sharing a blanket with a masked hero?” He teases, sitting in the space you made for him.

“My boyfriend is currently passed out drunk with his dick in his hand.” You tell him, the low light making you braver than you’d normally be.

He goes silent, the eye parts of his mask widening, and you think that’s his version of raised eyebrows.

“He was drunk and pissed at me because I didn’t want him to slobber up my neck, so then he whips it out, and when I tell him to stop, he calls me a prude and says I should do my job , which is such an asshole thing to say.” It feels good to ramble, to just vent all your feelings onto this masked semi-stranger.

“Do your job?” Spiderman asks, his eyes narrowed.

“He said, and I quote, good girls suck their boyfriend’s dick.’ Literally so ridiculous…” You trail off as Spiderman rolls his shoulders back.

For a moment you’re hypnotized by the movement, the sheer mass of muscle.

“…shoes?”

You snap out of it. “I’m sorry?”

“Did you like your new shoes?” He asks, and you hear a smile in his voice.

Wow, y/n, rude much? You didn’t even think to thank the man who not only saved your life, but also replaced your shoes.

“Yes, thank you so much, how much do I owe you?” You go to pull out your wallet but realize you left it in your bedroom.

“No, it’s alright, consider it an apology for not getting there fast enough.” He holds his hands up in a pacifying manner.

You purse your lips but nod. “Alright, well, again, thank you.”

You’re fiddling with the necklace Gabi and Miguel got you, and it seems to catch his eye. “That’s pretty, your boyfriend get you that?”

You shake your head, dropping the pendant. “No, it was a gift from one of my kids, I’m a teacher.”

“That’s cute, do you mind if I?” He motions towards it slightly, and you lean forward, letting him catch it between two long fingers. “Very nice.”

“Yeah, I think it’s really sweet.” You smile up at him, breath catching in your throat when he releases the pendant close to your skin, his fingertip brushing the tops of your breasts.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to touch...” He says quickly, retracting his hand.

You give him a reassuring smile. “It’s okay, it was an accident.”

“What’d your boyfriend say?”

“About the gift? I don’t think he even noticed.” You scoff, brushing your hair back from your shoulders.

“No, what did he say after you turned him down?” His voice is lower, warmer, spreading across your skin and seeping into your bones.

“Oh well, he tried to argue then passed out.” You giggle, Spiderman’s masked form still inches from your own.

Spiderman lets out a low hum and tucks a stray lock of hair behind your ear. “He phrased it all wrong, good girls don’t suck dick, they take cock.”

Tag list: @nyctophilic0vitnir, @miggyoharaswife, @badbishsblog, @imisshim2much, @wanderlustingcastaway, @lynn-9703, @sleepyamaya, @erensbbg, @sweetea85, @ilovemiguelohara, @natthernandez, @stxrrielle, @ihateuguys, @jenniferdixon05207, @blep-23, @luvisaaxoxo, @minimari415, @emerald-09, @violet-19999, @kenchosaikuo, @groovycass, @youcantseem3, @lovefks, @nightshxdex, @dusstory, @aesniri, @munsonssecretblog, @kirke-is-my-name, @starbearieee, @chatoicboy, @act1839, @needsleep3000, @totally-not-georgia, @witchy-lizard, @cxmeiloorun7

#miguel o'hara imagine #miguel o'hara fanfiction #miguel o'hara #miguel ohara #meg's writing #miguel's pastels #miguel o'hara x reader #miguel o'hara x you #miguel o'hara x y/n #miguel ohara x reader #miguel ohara x you #miguel ohara x y/n #spiderman 2099 x reader #miguel atsv #Todd sucks as always

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tmgstudios · 2 years

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[long post, sorry, theres a tldr at the end but i really recommend reading the full thing if you can]

i really wish there was more like. narcolepsy awareness stuff in the world. that teaches people the actual symptoms and not just the stereotype. the amount of people i have talked to both online and in person about my experiences with narcolepsy who have been shocked at how much they related to my experiences is staggering.

narcolepsy is so under-diagnosed and also very often misdiagnosed as something else because so many people, even within the medical field, don’t know the actual symptoms of narcolepsy (i am not pulling this out of my ass, my sleep specialist has told me this several times. its a real issue that sleep specialists continue to battle to this day). up until relatively recently, the past 5-10 years or so, narcolepsy and other similar sleep disorders weren’t even considered real by a lot of the medical field!!

narcolepsy is not “falls asleep at random” disorder. narcolepsy is a disorder of sleep cycles, causing the brain to enter rem sleep much quicker and more frequently then it should.

this causes things like excessive daytime tiredness/chronic fatigue, extremely vivid dreams, sleep paralysis, hallucinations while waking up/falling asleep, and in the case of those with narcolepsy type-1, cataplexy (aka, while feeling intense emotions the brain will enter rem sleep while awake, causing muscles to lock up. this is where the “falls asleep at random” stereotype comes from, but the person experiencing it is not actually asleep, just unable to move their muscles. i can’t really speak more on this specific part of narcolepsy, since i have type-2, aka narcolepsy without cataplexy, this is just the basics i was told by my sleep doctors. EDIT: someone who experiences cataplexy has added their experiences in a reblog, if youd like to learn more please go take a look!!) [note: these are not the only symptoms of narcolepsy. not all people with narcolepsy will experience all of these symptoms, and everyone will experience them at different frequencies. for example, i only get sleep paralysis once every month or so, and my hallucinations tend to be limited to auditory] according to my sleep doctor, narcolepsy also has links to both adhd and chronic strep throat as a child (i have no idea how that last one works. but. thats what my doctor said and hey. she was right. i had chronic strep throat as a child and look at me now.) EDIT because i forgot to add: narcolepsy can not only co-exist with insomnia, but cause insomnia as well! excessive daytime tiredness --> more naps during the day --> harder time falling asleep at night

so yeah. i guess this is me doing awareness. if you relate to any of these symptoms, please talk to a sleep specialist if you’re able to. it might not be narcolepsy, but chances are it’s something, since none of these things are normal (to repeat, excessive daytime tiredness is not normal. that means there is something wrong). theres nothing wrong with asking a sleep specialist about narcolepsy and getting tested for it, even if you come back negative.

my dms and askbox are open anytime for any kind of questions about narcolepsy, the diagnostic process, treatments, etc. while i am not a doctor, i have learned a lot through my own experiences, talking with my sleep specialist, and also my own research, since i’m currently studying to hopefully make narcolepsy research my career! whether you are questioning having narcolepsy or not, you are not bothering me with questions, i promise, you asking will probably make my day

TLDR; narcolepsy is a very misunderstood and underdiagnosed sleep disorder, and i highly recommend everyone learn about what it actually is and what the symptoms actually are, and if you relate to any of them, talk to a sleep specialist

[other narcoleptics feel free to add on to this post with your own experiences(and also to message me i always want to talk to other narcoleptics ASJDKHJ), and non-narcoleptics please please feel free to reblog! i really want to start spreading awareness for this disorder, since again, severally under/misdiagnosed and most of the world is still under the impression that the narcolepsy stereotype is true]

#GIRL HELP I KEEP FINDING TYPOS/GRAMMER ERRORS AFTER IT ALREADY HAS SO MANY REBLOGS #narcolepsy #narcoleptic #sleep disorder #chronic fatigue #disabilty awareness #narcolepsy awareness #disability #disabled #please reblog. i really dont want this to flop lol i am So Passionate about this stuff

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wolken-himmel · 2 years

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In which Riddle intends to lecture (Y/n), who has slacked off on a recent test— only to find out that the prefect suffers from ADHD.

Now he's determined to help with tutoring sessions.

Request by @princess-kaylia-blog.

"You can't be serious, Ace. Tell me this is a joke. Zero points on the last alchemy test?"

Riddle looked like he was about to explode with how red his face had gotten. His grip around the tea cup in his hands tightened considerably, to the point where Ace and Deuce feared he would snap the handle right off. Luckily, Riddle caught his cool again soon, allowing the first-years fo exhale in relief.

"Yeah," Ace confirmed sheepishly, "(Y/n)'s grade kinda got a worse recently, and they've never been good in the first place."

"I never expected that from the Prefect of Ramshackle! I cannot tolerate such laziness... Hard work and concentration are the key to a bright future, and slacking off now will ruin that."

Deuce let out an absent-minded hum. "Now that you say it, (Y/n) tends to really procrastinate on everything..." he muttered under his breath, deep in thought. "Even worse than Ace..."

That, in return, drew an offended gasp from his fellow first-year, who jumped to his feet and glared down at his friend. "Hey! I don't procrastinate... often," Ace exclaimed angrily, only for his fury to morph into sheepishness when Riddle shot him a reprimanding glare. Ace merely crossed his arms and looked at the other two intently. "Besides, did you not know that (Y/n) has ADHD?"

"...I did not." The dormleader's eyes grew wide in realisation.

Deuce raised an eyebrow in confusion. "What's that?"

"A disorder that makes it hard to focus and work for a long time," Ace explained while sitting down again. "I looked it up on my phone while I was doing my homework earlier." A mischievous grin appeared on his face.

For a while, Riddle was left speechless. A sudden feeling of guilt pooled in his stomach, and he began to regret all the awful things he had said about you earlier. Perhaps he had judged you wrongly. The frustration he had felt towards you earlier morphed into something akin to determination. "I guess I will have to change my entire tutoring system now when it comes to the prefect..."

A shiver ran down Ace's back. "Ugh, don't kill the prefect with your tutoring sessions, dormleader."

"You do not seem to value your head nowadays, Trappola. Shall it be off with your head, then?"

"N-No! I meant good luck, sir—"

°°°

A few days later, Riddle indeed sat in your dusty room within the Ramshackle mansion, ready for the tutoring session to begin. Yet, you only reciprocated the determined look on his face with a reluctant frown. He watched you fiddle with your pen for a while, only for you to unexpectedly raise your gaze and furrow your eyebrows at him.

"I don't know why you insist on helping me, Riddle. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate it— but I don't think it will help me."

"(Y/n), listen to me. I've dealt with worse, but look at Heartslabyul now! Nobody has dropped out or been held back ever since I became dormleader," Riddle exclaimed and plopped himself into the creaky chair next to yours, a passionate look in his grey eyes. "I do not wish to appear arrogant, but I do believe that we can cooperate and improve your grades slowly over time. I certainly cannot cure you of your ADHD, but I do plan on helping you improve working and studying with it—"

His monologue was interrupted by the door to your room being thrown open, thus colliding with the wall loudly. You two snapped around to find a familiar cat monster striding inside like he owned the place. "Oi, henchhuman!" Grim yelled out and held a bowl with popcorn out to you. "You wanna watch this cool movie with me? Ditch our lame homework and let's go—"

"Not today, fiend," Riddle grumbled under his breath while turning Grim around and promptly shooing him out of the room.

You watched with furrowed eyebrows as the door was slammed right into his face, the cat now left to protest outside. Soon, your cat companion let you be and wandered away, and Riddle returned to your side.

"Hey, I really wanted to watch a movie right now..."

A disapproving sigh escaped his lips. "No wonder you can't get anything done with such an environment..." There was no apprehension in his tone.

"Yeah... I'm easily distracted. It's a struggle to sit still and read through these heavy textbooks, especially when there's all kinds of ruckus going on around me."

He hummed thoughtfully. "I see. But now that we've eliminated some of these distractions, let's declutter your desk, alright? And then we can make a to-do list to organise your work a little bit better. That will be our first step before we get into studying," he explained and clapped his hands together. "And this might sound like a lot, but we don't have to get everything done today. It's alright if we go forward in small steps... Small steps are better than no steps at all— and much better than steps backwards."

At first, you could only stare at him with wide eyes, and your lack of reaction left him confused and embarrassed. Yet, it all came crashing down tenfold when you snapped out of it and leapt forward to wrap your arms around him gratefully. "...Thank you, Riddle. I really appreciate this..." you murmured into his shoulder, unable to prevent a smile from forming on your lips.

Fumbling on his words, Riddle struggled to keep his face from heating up. "N-No problem."

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst x reader #disney twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #reader insert #y/n #disney twst #twst x you #riddle rosehearts #riddle rosehearts x reader #twst riddle rosehearts #twst riddle x reader #twst riddle #twisted wonderland riddle #gender neutral reader

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orange-orchard-system · 3 months

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The line "It's not X's fault that your doctor* isn't taking you seriously, it's your doctor's fault." has been said many times before, and not for no reason. However, I've yet to see that reason properly explained, so I'm going to do my best to do that today.

You see, I don't think saying this phrase alone really gets across the message of it. Because sometimes doctors will blame X ("trenders", TikTok, self-diagnosis, whatever) as their reason for not taking you seriously. Which makes this sentiment come across as ignoring the people who have had that happen to them. But the sentiment still applies to those folks, too. Why?

Because if your doctor truly had your best interests in mind, they would still do their best to help you out regardless of their own concerns; they wouldn't just say, "I'm not gonna help you because I think you're just influenced too much by X." Maybe they'd go over the possibility of you being influenced by X, but at the end of the day, the existence of someone else is not a justified reason for your doctor to not give you treatment, because your life is not defined by this nebulous other person, group, or object.

You are your own person. You are an individual patient. Your doctor should be treating you as an individual patient and person, not a mindless mouthpiece for a trend. Outside of whatever influences your doctor may be concerned about, you are still a patient and person, and deserve to be treated well as one. You do not deserve to be treated as incapable of thinking for yourself; you do not deserve to have your concerns dismissed as planted there by whatever scapegoat your doctor has chosen as an excuse not to properly treat you. Being less educated in the matters of health, making an incorrect guess about what's going on with you, or just daring to have a condition that a lot of people are talking about right now are not, in fact, good reasons for a doctor to not perform their job and listen to what's bothering you or going on in your life.

Moreover, a good doctor should acknowledge that even if your concerns are misplaced, there had to be something to build those concerns in the first place. Maybe you don't have ADHD, but you struggle with executive dysfunction and need help with that. Maybe you don't have POTS, but your heart is doing something funky and more testing is needed to figure out what. Even the most extreme of fears come from a nugget of truth, and it's your doctor's job to find that nugget so they can help you with it. It's just unfortunate that many doctors aren't willing to properly search for that nugget.

If I see discourse about "fakers" on this post I'm going back to bed. Stop blaming other people for your doctor's incompetence. Consider reporting on your doctor to their boss or the ethics committee for refusing to properly treat you because a certain condition is becoming more well-known, or whatever their excuse is this time

*Note that "doctor" here is used to refer to any health professional. Psychologist, psychiatrist, dermatologist, whatever. It's just an easy catch-all.

#front soup.txt #health

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katy-l-wood · 3 months

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"Everyone" is self-diagnosing on the spectrum, please get tested or don't claim to be on the spectrum. Personally, everyone I know who has self-diagnosed and then been tested has failed the tests and been like "I guess I just had anxiety and stuff".

Basically, dunning kruger syndrome. People who think "Oh, I'm weird, and awkward, and have social anxiety, I must be autistic or on the spectrum."

No, you likely just coincidentally have those traits.

Medical testing will tell you if you have those traits in such a degree that it effects your entire life to the level of autism.

Most people do NOT meet this criteria, and they're just trying to join a group of people and fit in. That's fine, but it's also insulting to those who struggled beyond their understanding.

There's a difference between struggling in school and suffering with everything in school and having an absolute nightmare of which the only emotional response at that age is to cry every night and wish you were dead.

The difference between being socially weird and being so different that there's a target on your back and even the most mild of kids turns into a bully around you because it's so easy.

To need decades of therapy just from how people have treated you, THAT is closer to autism than "I have adhd and I like cats."

I am not saying that is the only kind of autism or only experience, I am using it as an example. There are, of course, those who went under the radar and absolutely have autism in adulthood. But to be aware of the massive and documented problem of self-diagnosis and over-diagnosing autism, is not to gatekeep it.

I'm assuming this is because of my post about my character Conifer?

Look. How about you don't assume shit about when:

A) You don't fucking know me or anything about my life.

And B) That post is about a CHARACTER. A character you also know nothing about because the book isn't even out yet.

The rest of this I'm not going to bother to address. My personal business is not yours. If you disagree with my stance on self-diagnosis (which, for the record, is 100% in favor), the unfollow and block buttons are right there.

I'm sorry you went through such a horrible experience with being autistic. That truly, truly sucks. But you do not get to lash out at strangers on the internet just because their experiences don't perfectly mesh with yours.

#Rude Anon

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bomberqueen17 · 28 days

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ugh

I can't sleep and I'm just sort of stewing over how unprepared I am to be entirely on my own managing my own healthcare. blech.

Did I mention, Farmsister was suffering from hip pain and went to her doctor and was diagnosed with the exact same problem I have?

Diagnosed, I said. Yes! Her doctor actually investigated the cause of her pain, diagnosed her, referred her to a physical therapist, but also came up with a plan of treatment. Told her physical therapy often can't resolve this issue, so after a set amount of PT, if there wasn't enough improvement she'd refer her to an orthopedist instead.

Imagine that. My doctor was like "you've got intermittently debilitating pain? You should go see a doctor about that." and that was that. I went to a physical therapist because that's what she recommended, but I don't have a plan, I'm just spending $150/wk to work out in a room full of other people. I guess I'll ask my PT if there's a plan or like timeline or like, idk, something we should look for, or what. IDK what a realistic goal is. Pain-free seems out of reach. I'd settle for largely functional, I guess? But I don't know, and I guess I'm on my own to figure it out.

And the same with the ADHD! She was like "oh, your insurance isn't going to cover it and it's probably going to take months of waiting, but you had better go see someone about that", and refused to engage any further. So I messaged the psychiatrist today and he doesn't check the messages on that platform so I texted the admin who was like oh usually medication is adjusted at follow-ups, and I'm like well in the three minutes he talked to me it didn't come up I guess, so then they texted back that he says to try taking two pills a day for a couple days and then schedule a follow-up.

I've asked around, and usually I guess the regular adderall pills, you take in two doses at separate times. But if the point is that I'm trying to see if a higher dose helps, I'd probably better take them at the same time??

It's just that when the small ineffective dose wears off four or five hours after I take it, without my ever having had a good phase, I get horribly drowsy and also get this kind of gross formless yearning that I think might be a dopamine crash, where I roam the house in itchy horrible discontent trying to think of something that might help me, but it's not candy and it's not reading a book and it's not napping, and I guess I understand why people turn to drugs or self-harm because the feeling is awful, spacy and wrung-out and aimlessly needy.

But I guess it's up to me to research what that is and what to do about it, and then at my $250 three-minute follow-up appointment in three days or whatever I'll tell the psych what I want prescribed to me, because it's sure as shit not like he's going to have any fucking advice for me.

And like. Laugh out loud at the notion that my primary care physician would give a single shit about this. Maybe I didn't mention this on here either but literally the only thing she has looked into about me is that my blood tests came back with a fasting blood glucose level of 5.7 (idk what units, just that she's fixated on that number) and it is exactly entirely that post circulating about """"pre-diabetes"""? She has put in my chart that she wants to start me on Metformin!! Christ all fucking mighty, it could not be more obvious that she took one look at my fat ass and was like "this bitch eats only candy! I'd better scare her straight!"

Ma'am fuck off. She wants me to get my blood retested in July and I am figuring I'll take advantage of having to have a visit then anyway to get the ADHD stuff entered into my main chart, and I'm also going to tell her that since she was so disinterested in literally any of the conditions actually debilitating me (my hip pain and my ADHD) I had to research those so I could treat myself, and in the course of researching that I found out about the fake "epidemic" of "pre-diabetes" which isn't a thing, it's a fucking PR gambit to sell drugs, and so if she prescribes me diabetes drugs when I do not fucking have diabetes I will not be taking them, and I will also be looking for a new doctor, because I do not appreciate her fixation on treating a condition I do not have while ignoring things that are literally preventing me from leading the life I want to, wherein I can do things like, stand/walk as much as I like and can also like, perform tasks.

So there's my timeline.

(Yeah my insurance won't cover blood testing a second time in a year so that's gonna cost me $200ish, and the phone doctor visit she insisted on to discuss the results last time was $45 and it'll be that again for this one, but I mean, eventually I'll hit my deductible maybe.)

I don't know, people tell me that they have medical professionals that actually listen to and treat them and give them like actual good actionable advice on how to improve their various health conditions but as far as I can tell that all sounds fake and isn't a thing.

Unfortunately, I am too fucking debilitated by my Can't Think Good disease to do a competent job at caring for myself, so I guess I'm just going to have to fucking muddle through somehow, or something.

Probably I should put together my citations on how Pre-Diabetes Is Fake so that when I unload that on my doctor I can do so with fucking footnotes at least. Lord knows I can't sleep at the moment so I might as well do something productive.

#about the author #whining #adhd

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gingiesworld · 8 months

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Toxic

I’m not sure if you still take request, but if you do I want to make a request on another version of You Are A Stranger but DARKER! Same plot, Robbie still out on their lives BUT Lizzie gaslights R on staying married with them as she threatens R on not seeing their children if R pursues the Divorce plan. 😁

Elizabeth Olsen x GN! Reader

Warning: Gaslighting. Angst. Not a happy ending

18+ MINORS DNI

Everything seemed fine on the outside whenever everyone had crossed paths with Lizzie, Y/N and the kids. They seemed like the perfect family. Hell, Lizzie acted like she was the perfect wife, that was until the kids had gone to bed. Even though already had their struggles with their ADHD, Lizzie would sometimes play on their forgetfulness.

“Where are they?” Y/N whispered as they looked for the divorce papers.

“What are you looking for?” Lizzie asked them as she watched them search the home study frantically.

“The divorce papers.” They told her as she shrugged. “Where are they Elizabeth.”

“We are not getting a divorce Y/N.” She told them sternly. “I don’t to be divorced.”

“I.” Y/N tried before Lizzie cut them off.

“What about the kids, they need both parents in the same household.” She told them. “Look at your own parents, my own parents. Divorced before we even started High School. Do you want to turn into our parents, carting the children between two homes when they can have a steady home with married parents.”

“I guess.” They mumbled.

“Good. Well, I guess I will just burn these then.” She told them as she took the divorce papers and throwing them on the grill as Y/N watched her set them on fire. “I’ll start on dinner.” She skipped to the kitchen as Y/N watched the flames. Wondering is it really that bad to live in a failing marriage just so the kids can live in a happy home.

As the months went on, Lizzie was at her happiest as Y/N became a ghost of who they used to be. Even at family gatherings, Lizzie made sure that Y/N had played the happy partner, cheering her on as she spoke about her accomplishments and upcoming projects.

“Do you have any new projects coming up Y/N?” That was the question that made them wrack their brain for an answer. Although they had their phone on them, they never received any calls from their boss.

“No. I haven’t.” Y/N answered truthfully before Lizzie chimed in.

“This one wants to spend more time with the kids and me. I find it endearing.” She smiled as she kissed their cheek. Usually their heart would flutter at the action, their cheeks would form a light blush on them, but nothing. Nothing happened. Whenever they were even being intimate, Lizzie would be riding them as they lay there, coming quickly so it would be over.

“How is the baby coming along?” one of their friends asked as they rested their hands on Lizzie’s stomach.

“They are growing just nicely.” Lizzie smiled brightly.

“You’re pregnant?” They asked her as she nodded.

“I told you. You were there when I done the test.�� Lizzie told them as they shook their head no. “You probably forgot with all of the hype with the kids and taking a step back from work.”

With that Y/N had gotten in touch with their boss, waiting patiently for them to answer.

“Why haven’t I been considered for the projects?” they asked as soon as he answered the phone.

“Your wife said that you were trying for a baby.” He told them as they scoffed.

“I. We never said we were trying.” They mumbled before they bid their goodbye and hanging up. Their chest suddenly feeling tight, like someone was sitting on them, preventing them from breathing.

“Baby, everyone is wondering where you are.” Lizzie smiled softly. Y/N wanted nothing more than to throw up with the venomous taste they had on their tongue.

“Why did you tell my boss I was stepping back from work?” They asked her in a surprisingly steady voice.

“You said you wanted to step back.” Lizzie told them as they shook their head with a dry laugh. “What’s going on baby?” She asked them as they glared at her.

“I am drowning here Lizzie.” They told her. “Being in this marriage with you is slowly killing me! I remember we both agreed that divorce was the best option for us. For our kids because we aren’t who we fell in love with anymore. Hell I don’t even know who I am anymore because you have made me forget!”

“This is absurd Y/N.” She chuckled as Y/N shook their head no.

“This is far from the relationship we had Lizzie. I used to love the person you were. The sweet and caring Elizabeth. Where is she? That version of you because I haven’t seen her in years.” They told her. “Because all you have been is this toxic version of you. The one who thinks messing with my head will get you everything you want in life.”

“We are having a baby Y/N.” Lizzie told them sternly. “You can’t divorce me right before the baby comes.”

“Are you even pregnant or is it just one of your lies to trap me into a relationship that has lost all of it’s love and happiness.” They spat at her as she shook her head. “I will be calling your doctor and my lawyer. I want to hear the truth from them and then we can proceed with the divorce because I cannot be married to you much longer because you are slowly killing me. I am dying each moment I remain here.” They gestured to the two of them.

“Is this what you truly want?” Lizzie questioned them as they nodded.

“It is because what we have now is Toxic and it is no place for a family to thrive.” They spoke with honesty. “I want our children to experience a happy childhood. I remember what my parents were like before they got divorced. They hated each other and the hate was poisoning me and my siblings. So they knew that was the best option.” They took a deep breath. “This is the best option.”

“Please.” She whispered as Y/N started to pack their things.

“I will not poison our kids with the toxicity of us Elizabeth. I don’t hate you like my mom hated my dad, not yet and I don’t want it to get that far.” They told her before she left the room, her shoulders slumped in defeat as her tears fell down from her eyes.

She knew they were right and they were just kidding themselves with thinking they could make it to the end. Sometimes it is best to leave a situation before it turns into a toxic environment.

#elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen imagine #elizabeth chase olsen #lizzie olsen x you #lizzie olsen x reader #lizzie olsen imagine #elizabetholsen #elizabeth olsen #wanda marvel

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bloodyshadow1 · 4 months

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i kind of wonder if Echidna was telling the truth about Athena. Yes, Athena removed the protection of her sanctuary, but it doesn't mean Echidna was telling the truth about why that was. And to be honest, it would make a lot of sense for her to lie about the why to Annabeth to create friction in the party, to try and get her to abandon Percy who is already weak from the poison.

In the books at least, Echidna said she was sent by Zeus to test Percy particularly. It's possible she was still sent by Zeus (might have been in the show and I missed it, I too have ADHD and am not a demigod) and he commanded Athena to renounce her protection of the Arch.

Because while it isn't crazy for the gods to be petty, it doesn't really fit normal Athena to be so petty that she would risk the life of her child just because she didn't stop another demi-god from being impertinent. (HoO Athena who is broken and vengeful is one thing but not normal Athena) Athena is specifically dangerous because she isn't petty like Ares or Dionysus who Percy compares her to, she's patient and careful.

The Show definitely seems to be leaning in the gods ain't shit more than the books did, but I still don't think that Athena would just pull her protections and let not only her daughter be killed, but one of her sanctuary's ruined because of a petty act. Though maybe I'm bias, Athena is one of my favorite gods and the show is going to be different from the books. And it's not like the gods have had moments of extreme pettiness before, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see

#percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson and the olympians spoilers #pjo #pjo spoilers #pjo tv series #pjo book spoilers #pjo book #athena #athena pjo

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cy-cyborg · 7 months

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Ok so the saga with my old PC continues and is only fueling my desire to get back into fanfiction lol because I found all of the files from my attempt at making a legend of spyro fan-game! I honestly thought they were lost, I'm so excited to see all this stuff again! This was the "logo" for the game (I know its nearly unreadable lol, so it says "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of The Past". 14/15 year old me didn't seem to care much for readability, I think I'd just discovered photoshop's layer effects lol)

Here's a bunch of random stuff I found.

I'm defiantly going to do a redraw of that last one at some point. That was like, THE thing I remember being super proud of when I first did it. I think it was going to be part of the trailer my now-partner was putting together for the game lol.

Actually, a lot of these were actually just frames from animations, but either the files are either just corrupted, or high school me didn't know how to set fps and resolution properly in the output so I got a headache trying to watch them lol. It's probably the second one honestly. Also I remember my old laptop wasn't able to play back the animation because it would lag so much, so I just had to kind of...guess at timing, and that went about as well as you'd expect. It didn't help that blender used to have this bug where your audio would move around your timeline so it really was just random guessing. I'm amazed anything got done at all, let alone how far we actually got (that is to say, not far at all but we had something playable at least).

I also found the demo files and footage of the "game" running (running at 12fps but running)! I'm curious if they still work, I'll have to download an older version of blender to test them out!

There's actually a lot more but actually finding it is proving to be quite a challenge since this laptop seems to be the digital equivalent of an ADHD "doom box" - meaning nothing is sorted into folders that make even a remote lick of sense to me, it's all just kind of thrown in together lmao.

I wanted to post these though because even though I don't really do 3D stuff anymore, It still made me really happy to see how much progress I've made over the years and how far I've come. Also a few folks who worked on this project with me back on Deviantart have started finding me lol, so in case there's anyone else out there, hello! I'm not dead, I'm still around, I'm just a lot more (openly) queer now lmao.

Image descriptions:

[ID 1: A game title that reads "The Legend of Cynder, Shadows of the Past". The two lines, "the legend of" and "shadows of the past" are written in dark purple text. The purple material is supposed to look like liquid, but instead just looks hard to read. "Cynder" is writen in black, 3D text with red outlines, with the exception of the C. The "c" is modeled as a black tube instead of in a blocky style like the rest of the letters. The inside of the C has a red underbelly, and the bottom of the C ends in a tail, resembling Cynder's from the Legend of Spyro Series. There are 3 white spikes at the top of the C. /end ID]

[ID 2: a 3d render of 4 dragons around a christmas tree. A black dragon at the front, Cynder, is using her tail to hang tinsel, a pruple dragon, Spyro, on the left is reaching up into the branches of the tree. A blue dragon, Ignitus, is hovering behind the tree, his paws outstretched, implying he is placing the glowing star at the top. On his head is a silver dragon, Zerali, balancing on his horns. behind them is a series of floating islands. /End ID]

[ID 3: A render of Cynder with a darker colour pallet than the previous image and glowing yellow eyes, snarling at the camera, guarding a black gem. The sky in the background is blood red and the terrain is flat and barren. /End ID]

[ID 4: A render of an incomplete model of Terrador, a green dragon with brown horns and rocky shoulder decorations. He has no underbelly or wings. /end ID]

[ID 5: A render of a fan character named ekkosel, a blue, anthropomorphic dragonfly with an unsettling, uncanny face and green wings, T-posing. Her green wings are a blur /End ID]

[ID 6: two sketches of a anthropomorphic cheetah heads. One has long ears like a lynx and is labeled DotD design, the other has small, rounded ears like a cheetah usually has, labled TLoC design. /end ID]

[ID 7: A render of Zerali, the silver dragon from the second image, and ekkosel, from the 5th, playing together. In this image, we can see Zerali has a pinky-purple underbelly and shiny gold horns.]

[ID 8: A rendered scene showing a close up of blue ignitus with his eyes closed. He appears to be talking to Cynder, who is in the background, but blurry. The game's logo is visible in the bottom left of the image. /end ID]

#nostalgia #old art #image descriptions #Spyro #The Legend of Spyro #tlos #cynder #spyro the dragon #spyro fanart #cynder fanart #queer artist #old projects #Blender #Blender Game Engine #I had no idea what I was doing but I had a blast!#tlos spyro #spyro oc #legend of spyro #old ocs

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ineedtotouchgrassrightnow · 1 month

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GUESS WHO LOST THE REQUEST YET AGAIN? LUCKILY I SS THEM

Requested!!

Percy X Reader Fluff!!!

My head was pounding. It was a long week with all the tests and trying to get accepted into colleges. And let me tell you, getting into college with ADHD and dyslexia is NOT for the weak.

I had stupid ELA homework. I was practically pulling out my hair. I hated ELA class; it was the WORST. I sucked at spelling, I couldn’t read. I tried so hard, but the letters would spin, do 180s, and fly off the page. I could not focus at all. I was debating burning the paper with my fire, but decided against it when I heard a buzz from my side.

My face lit up when I saw my boyfriend texted me. I threw down my pencil and opened his message. “Hey Y/n, wanna go to the new aquarima that opened?” I couldn’t help but laugh at his misspelling of aquarium, but I knew what he meant. “Yeah, I would love to?”

Nothing could cheer me up faster than my boyfriend, and even more so when it's a date. “Awesome! See you then?” “Sure, what day and time?” “Today, 1 hour?” “Wait, today?” “Yeah?” “I’m doing homework though.” “You’ll probably give up soon enough.” “Excuse me?” “See you in an hour, princess.” I couldn’t help but scoff. “Wow…” I said out loud to nobody and got up to get ready for my date. I grabbed cute yet comfortable clothes and went to take a shower, smiling that dork knew how to cheer me up anytime.

I did my hair and put on my shoes when I heard knocking at my door. I practically ran to the door and smiled when I saw the handsome boy behind it. “Hello, princess,” he gave a genuine smile. “You look amazing.”

“I’m not even dressed up?”

“You still look amazing,” he smiled and leaned down to my lips, giving me a kiss with his soft lips that had a hint of sweetness, probably from cherry coke, his all-time favorite drink.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, let me grab my keys.” I grabbed my keys and locked the door. “The aquarium is pretty big. There is a food court there too,” I mentioned as we walked towards the car.

He opened my door, smiling. “Ladies first.” Before jogging to his door, he was always going the extra mile for me. It was crazy. He held doors, made me breakfast in bed, all the cute stuff. In all honesty, I don’t know how or why I got so lucky to have him in my life, but he was genuinely one of the few things I am grateful for.

The drive there was normal. We talked about the aquarium, our schools, our home life, any crazy stuff we found on the internet. We tried to keep our other lives separate from our normal lives as much as possible, and we did a pretty good job at avoiding it most of the time.

“You know Annabeth wants to get back in touch with me,” he said at one point.

“Really?” I couldn’t help but chuckle. “As friends or does she still have a crush on you?”

“Not sure. I told her I was taken, but she seemed panicked, like something was wrong at camp.”

“We should just leave it be for now. We can check up on camp tomorrow. We are on a date tonight.”

“Right, sorry, love,” Percy sighed, rubbing my thigh.

He pulled into the parking lot and smiled softly. “We made it alive?”

“I couldn’t tell?”

“Shut it,” he laughed before jogging over to open my door.

“You know I can open my doors, right?”

“I’m just making sure you don’t slam my car doors,” he teased.

“Wow,” I nudged him and laughed. “Let's go, seaweed head.”

“Of course,” he grinned and held open the door of the aquarium entrance. It was beautiful inside. The rugs were dark blue, the walls were light blue, and all types of fishes were painted over the walls.

“Woah, that fish is pretty,” I pointed over to one of the painted fishes on the wall.

“In case you couldn’t tell, my dear Y/n, that's a painted fish, not a real one.”

“I’m not dumb!” He smiled and walked over to the cashier, who was a sweet older man in his 60s.

“Two tickets, please,” Percy requested.

“Of course, that's 28 dollars,” the cashier replied.

“Thank you,” Percy handed him the money and handed me my ticket.

“So, you like older men now?” I teased.

“All I said was thank you!” He pouted.

“Yea— Woah, that's a big shark!?” I dragged Percy along to one of the shark tanks.

“Yeah, they are meant to be big.”

“Quiet,” I rolled my eyes at his sassiness. “What would happen if you asked it to do a backflip?”

“Why would I ask it—”

“I mean, you can talk to animals, can’t you?”

“No.”

“Wow, you are boring then.”

“Oh, is that so? And what can you do, princess? Make a sword? And heat up your hands?”

“Yeah, I can. And what can you do? Fall 600 feet into an ocean?”

“Actually, yes, I can.”

“Try hard.”

“Always,” he grinned and kissed my cheek.

“Look at that one right there, it's pretty like you.”

“So you're saying I look like a fish?”

“You always have something to say, don't you?”

“Yes, I do.” I smiled and kissed his cheek.

#annabeth chase #percy and annabeth #percy jackon and the olympians #percy jackson #pjo #pjo fandom #reader insert #x reader #pjo series #pjo tv show

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copperbadge · 2 years

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When I was ten, I was an absolute nightmare for one single, specific school year.

I was fine with my parents and friends, but in class I was disruptive and low-achieving, I cheated constantly, and I was generally a pain in the ass. I was in a progressive school where I’d been for two years without any issues, so everyone was bewildered by this, understandably so.

I hadn’t thought about it for decades until recently, with the ADHD diagnosis. Not that I’m blaming my behavior on ADHD; I did what I did deliberately, consciously, and it set a pattern for later acting out as a teen -- self-sabotage as a method of getting attention. If I’d had different family or different teachers later on it might have worked and I’d still be doing it, but in high school it never got me an ounce more attention, good or bad, so eventually I stopped. And I got through high school and got two college degrees, so I guess in a screwed-up way, ignoring me worked.

When I was ten I was a genuinely smart and good-natured kid. I was doing fine in most subjects, but I began to fail in math. And when I began to be told I must be doing it on purpose because it wasn’t like it was hard math (multiplication), I thought, if you want to see failure, let’s go.

I bombed on everything from biology to music appreciation. That’s how bad it got. Because fuck you, that’s why! I couldn’t verbalize that yet but that’s what it was. You want me to do one thing I’m not capable of doing and you won’t believe me when I say I can’t? Fine. I won’t do anything you want me to do. What a little shit! I'm kind of proud of him, even as fucked up as it was.

I keep thinking about it now because above and beyond anyone else, that teacher is the one who should have seen it, who should have comprehended that this was not just a behavioral problem. I don't know if anyone was truly capable of catching my learning disability but if anyone was going to, it was going to be her. That teacher should have seen this bright, friendly little kid throwing himself at a brick wall -- and then throwing himself off a cliff -- and said, “There’s something truly wrong here. He can’t do this. Let’s find out why.”

Instead she gave me a poster with a fucked up poem on it.

She told my parents I was at a difficult age, and they also had a kid with autism and not a lot of emotional resources to spare for me, who had never needed it before. So it was easy to believe her, send me to my room (which was full of books, so I went quite happily) and beg the school to move me up a grade with my cohort so I wouldn’t continue to be poorly socialized. They said I was smart, I’d catch up, and the school agreed. And I did. Mostly. Still can’t do multiplication, but it’s remarkable how infrequently I need to. Partly I caught up because the next teacher looked at my record and said, “It seems like you’re not very into math. Just do what you can,” never gave me a math test, and graded me on my own personal curve when it came to numbers. Crisis averted for the moment.

I’m not angry with my parents or the therapists they sent me to or the educational system. But I’m still a little mad at that one teacher who told me I was too smart to fail unless I was doing it deliberately. She might not even deserve it; she had 20 kids to manage and I’m sure she was angry with me and thought I was a liar. In her place I might not have worked it out either, though I think I would have been less of a sanctimonious dickhead about it.

But that’s the thing about this kind of journey. You don’t really get to choose who you’re mad at or why. You only ever get to choose what to do about it.

She has since passed, and the school combined with another school a few years ago so it doesn’t exist. I could reach out to one of my other early teachers, who I think would remember me, and ask him about it, but I don’t know what the point would be. I’ve dealt with the habit I had of fucking up my own life worse than anyone else could fuck it up for me, I don’t do that and haven’t in a long time, so there’s nothing...lingering, I suppose. I’m not traumatized by it. I think the word is annoyed. I’m annoyed by it.

So I guess I just think about it until I come up with something to do or until I've thought about it enough.

#sam has adhd

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