#hands that one a little trophy that says id probably be your actual for real friend if i wasnt a pussy

[maddestmewmew]

i have a favorite mutual but also literally all my mutuals are my favorite mutual theyre just all my favorite in a diffrent category

#out here handing out participation awards for being my mutual #hands you a little trophy that says best headcannons #hands that one a little trophy that says id probably be your actual for real friend if i wasnt a pussy #hands this one a trophy that says YOU WERE HERE WHEN I WAS 13 AND ANNOYING. WHY #hands another a trophy that says jesus fuck your artstyle. eats it /pos #trophy that says YOU. are so so silly. AND. so so yass. #trophy that says you wrere literally my first follower on tumblr ever congrats #trophy that says uhh #hold on ill get back to you #ok im back #trphy that says YOU PHYSICALLY KNEW ME IRL IN MIDDLE SCHOOL . IM SOREY #trophy that says i have no genuine clue who the fuck yoh actually are but were mutuals so ily #some of these are the same person btw i only have like 5 mutus

[dallonm-archive]

[image description: a wideshot of the san francisco skyline, tinted orange by a sunset. Above the skyline, in a white serif font reads "REVELATIONS, REVELATIONS." in all caps. below, in lower caps reads "update #2" /end id]

Revelations, Revelations | Update #2

Hey besties! I've got a funky little RR update

I've had a little bit of a love hate relationship with this book in the last two months but I am loving it right now! I think my struggles came from how I didn't really accept that this book is Hard to write. like it's complicated! and it's set in another country in another era like idk what to tell you! And accepting that was such a weight off my shoulders because I'm not putting the blame on myself. I also was really stuck in part one's problems and I had to be like <3 bestie <3 abandon it til post draft editing. So right now it's like:

Part one: I see it as a little stray cat in an alleyway that I kneel down in front of like pspspsp :) and then it hisses and bites me because it is actually a feral raccoon. Definitely not where I want it to be but like I can fix him

Part two: super fun!! A lot of deeper (and messier) elements are introduced here and I feel like the story's ~vibes~ have clicked. It's a lot of fun and it's getting complex. Whilst there's conflict going on in part one there's definitely this false sense of stability and then part two hits all of them like a baseball bat

My drafting has been much more chill and non linear too, just writing the scenes I want to and then connecting them together. I've been focused less on rich prose/descriptions and more on prose that explores character and it's been very refreshing! I love my flowery prose but I think it's easy to get caught up in. I'm also no longer going to do chapter by chapter updates, both for plot privacy but also because this story is very delicate both in content and the drafting process and I don't just want to expose the bare bones of that, you know? So I'm just gonna do some sectioned rambles and talk about a couple chapters under the cut!

also no longer doing multiple taglists because i can't keep up so! general taglist, ask to be added or removed! ; @kowlazovdi @avi-burton-writing @ryns-ramblings @kitblogsthings @ezrathings @aetherwrites @radiomacbeth @bijouxs @bookphobe @haldimilks @alicewestwater @bookpacking @shaelinwrites @onlyganymede @theelectricfactory @write-like-babs @oceancold @veiliza @sidhewrites @wolf-oak @oasis-of-you @coffeeandcalligraphy @cecilsstorycorner @howdywrites @keira-is-writing @flip-phones @svpphicwrites

Only major change to report is I switched to alternate POVs instead of multiple chapters at a time in one POV because I'm insane <3 I had a lot of fun braiding POVs in Life Cycle of Massive Stars and wanted to try it here and it works much better! Though at this point I am simply ignoring the existence of part 1 because it really was the guinea pig part LMAO i experimented so much with structure and form and now it's a mess but it's <3 a future problem <3 i'd rather have one messy part than a whole first draft that's behind on my growing ~vision~ of the story.

[image description: a slightly purple tinted photo of two arms extending from the top and bottom of the photo, cropped to only show their hands. Their index fingers touch. in the middle, in a white serif font reads "dorothy" /end id]

Not a chapter, I had a lot of trouble with Dorothy in part 1 but I still love her so instead y'all are getting a mini character ramble! I felt really bad about her for the longest time because I've only been writing her since last summer whereas I've known Felix since like 2018 so there's naturally an imbalance, but I Do Not like that!! And she's really taken her time revealing herself, but I am ~fascinated by her.

I feel she's best summarised by this disillusionment for her life but mostly herself, because she's framed her whole identity by illusory perceptions of other people: a mother she doesn't remember, a girlfriend she breaks up with every six months but still shares a bed with, a twin brother she hasn't seen in person for four years and still sees as a teenager drenched in religious manipulation. It's a lot! She assumes that she feels dissatisfied with her life because she's without her twin, but then Felix returns to her life and shockingly this does not fix all of her problems??? She also doesn't know how to be alone, which definitely will not get better after Felix returns oop

The day her brother decides to leave, Dorothy is home alone.

Her San Francisco apartment is hollow like a hungry stomach. Three days ago, she drove Jolie to the airport then came home to cover the bathroom mirror with towels. On the first day she took an extra shift at the book store, drove through Sea Cliff at sunset, bumped into Mona on the stairwell and joined her and Margot for wine and slipped out when they began arguing over rent and office interns, started then discarded a portrait of a fictional girl and slept from two to five in the morning. On the second day she worked and spent an extra hour designing a window display on science fiction that she put together on the third day. Cut and painted a rocket ship on cardboard that she’ll have to scold kids for tugging, then get scolded herself by their mothers.

The day I finalise a design for their apartment it's over but I call this trick Trying To Get Around The Fact I Made Characters In Their Earlier Twenties Live In San Francisco (cw: drowning)

The apartment is nicer than her, but it’s been home for three years and they get $100 off rent each month because Jolie tends the garden and looks just like the landlady's daughter that drowned in the Pacific.

I don't think I've talked about Jolie much here which is funny because she is probably the most well-received amongst my friends! They love her so much and it's because she's a hot but slightly toxic lesbian smh, I'm like no seriously she does some fucked up things and they're like you promise?? Some funky facts:

Her real name is Jolene and she hates it except when the Dolly Parton song came on, that gives her a god complex

We are going to ignore how I accidentally named two characters after words for beautiful and pretty in French we are going to pretend it was intentional because when this gets published a uni student could get some good analysis out of that in their Intro to Literature class

She joined the cult with her mother at 13 and left as soon as she turned 18 LMAO. She was Dorothy's only connection to the "outside world" and the only reason she was able to leave

Her dream job is gardener/florist! We get it I watched Bly Manor last November. She's also a bartender

would probably have this on her car /j

[image description: a close up of a car sticker of a frog above "MILF" in green caps. below "MILF" reads "Man I Love Frogs" /end id]

Dorothy and Jolie have always been on and off and building tension but Dorothy realises this can't keep going when Jolie gets into a barfight at work and Dorothy feels Insane because she's the only one concerned?? (cw: blood, mild violence)

“You’re lucky it’s not broken.” She angles Jolie’s face, hand under her chin. Even with red blotted around her nostrils and lips, mulberry lipstick smudged, she still smiles like her bruises are a trophy. It’s a surprise she doesn’t dwell on it: it’s just some blood, doll, nothing to worry about. She didn’t even strike that good. Her technique was all off. If she shows her face back here I’ll just teach her how to punch properly. The worst part is over and I’m a big girl. Do I look upset? Am I crying? When they drive home, she’ll ask to stop and see if she can get free cigarettes or beer by holding her nose and making herself cry. She’ll probably ask Dorothy to hit her so it starts bleeding again. But she’s quiet, leans against the basin and lets her dab damp towels on her face. It doesn’t take long to clean up. It was just some blood.

“Nursing,” Jolie says.

“What?” “You keep saying you want to go to school but don’t know what for – nursing. You’re too good at taking care of people.”

That ending is like Top Three dialogue lines that made me really Concerned for how this character arc is gonna go :) but don't worry about it y'all. I do think Jolie genuinely loves Dorothy but that does not mean! the relationship is healthy!

Basically I love her a lot now that I know her better and I am excited to see where she goes! I think the biggest part of her arc is motherhood/daughterhood and TBH as a recently realised trans dude it took me a Minute to feel entitled to write her story? But being a cis woman shaped my life for two decades and getting to navigate that and being a daughter from a perspective that's totally distanced from myself is very helpful. It's about the inherent admiration and pain that comes from being a mother's daughter! (cw: blood, diet culture/disordered eating)

She lies next to the table and presses her forehead to the glass corner and imagines what would shatter first: the glass or her skin. And she imagines being a girl again, with French braids and too much baby fat in her cheeks and being picked up by a mother before the blood stains her hands and then her dress. She’d tell the mother she just wanted to read her magazines, the dog-eared articles about divorce and top tips for menopause and the benefits of eating half a grapefruit before your calorie-counted meals. And the mother would just brush the bangs out her face, press a pack of thawed peas on the wound and let her choose between the band aid with hearts or the band aid with flowers. And maybe the mother would know she did it for attention because they both know a daughters cry slices oxygen like glass to skin, but she’d still detangle her curls in the evening and kiss her forehead goodnight and serve her breakfast in the morning with half a grapefruit – the other half on her own plate, untouched and left to rot.

[image description: an orange firework exploding against a black sky. across the photo, in a white serif font reads "the last 10 hours of 1986" /end id]

This is technically two chapters, one in each POV and they close part one! Title is v explanatory and they're meant to be framed like a countdown - my plan was for the scenes to get shorter as it gets closer to midnight and that didn't really work but? The twins def get messier as the countdown goes down and THAT is what we like to see. This is also the only end of a part where the twins are separated but don't worry about it hehe :)

Dorothy

This chapter is like the First Time Dorothy does something for herself and. Good for her!

She’ll publish poetry under a pen name and horror short stories under another. She’ll paint indigo mountains and magenta oceans and not care when the colours stain her clothes. She’ll teach Felix how to blend acrylics and he’ll teach her how to remember piano notes and they won’t argue about who abandoned who. When Mona and Margot break up, she’ll go down to comfort Mona or Margot and then kiss Margot or Mona. She’ll move out and tell neither of them. She’ll find a landlady with a dead daughter and get a discount on an ocean view apartment with wall-length windows. Isaias will move in next door and they’ll have weekly dinner parties with wine that costs more than $10. She’ll go vegan. She’ll be so in tune with herself she won’t need to read magazine horoscopes or pay $50 for a psychic reading that assumes she knows her grandparents. She’ll know when she’s happy sad angry and why. She’ll take portrait commissions so she can afford a therapist. She’ll love her life and ignore that there’s no space for Jolie because she wants there to be. She’ll need nobody except herself. She’ll try and make things with Jolie work. She’ll kiss a random girl at midnight to see if it’s any different. She’ll go home after the countdown.

I had the revelation (aha) of Isaias and Dorothy as besties and I am OBSESSED! I love Isaias but struggled with his role so I'm really happy about this. Like he practices calligraphy and writes poetry titled after his favourite plants is he not the ideal character!! Hoping this will make it easier to learn about him so we can get that fun content

Felix

Felix's is fun because he makes the best decision of his arc but also the stupidest fucking decision of his arc. He truly has the range NOBODY is doing it like him. Here's a part that mirrors the excerpt above because even when they're apart Felix and Dorothy are like hmm we Will Be Intrinsically Connected (cw: drug, vomit and sex mention sorry he's going through it!!)

Two hours before midnight and Felix is alone in the bathroom. The party he abandoned synths through the ceiling. He plays Love My Way on his Walkman. Highest volume. Eyes closed. Imagines 1987 and decides he’s going to be honest about everything and nothing. He’s going to tell strangers at bars that he studies Literature at Stanford. He’s going to date a girl and pretend he has parents to introduce her to, that he grew up on a farm in Ohio and was secretly raised atheist, lie about what lies his parents told him. He’s going to grow out his hair and and blend cyan on his eyelids and send polaroids to his father with no return address; burn his fingertips on a candle flame like Michael will burn the photos of his son. He’s going to adore himself. He’s going to quit smoking and start jogging. He’s going to fuck Pacific Heights husbands whilst their wives sleep in the master bedroom and maybe they’ll angrily call him when they’re served divorce papers and hang up when he laughs. He’s going to get promoted to Assistant Manager and not care that his job is dead-end. He’s not going to kiss anyone at midnight because he doesn’t want to. He’s going to flush the cocaine because he doesn’t want it. He’s going to stare at his reflection until it moves for him. He’s going to vomit in a minute. He’s going to pierce his right ear with a sewing needle.

Felix at the end of part one: I give no more fucks!!! I am going to do whatever I want!!! Life is too short!!!

Felix at the end of part two:

[image description: screenshot of a tweet by @/idksomedumbshit. the tweet reads, "i can't mansplain manipulate manwhore my way out of this one boys" /end id]

I do think it's iconic that this time last year Felix was a repressed Christian boy and now his dream is to be a homewrecker THAT is growth. I also got to write Felix and Jolie which was fun because they do Not like each other <3 but they respect each other <3 but only sometimes <3 They have their first little bonding moment where Jolie pierces his ear in their bathroom but then Felix says something to piss her off so Jolie is like hmm okay time to chose Violence. This dialogue is funny because Felix does not really hate himself at this stage Jolie just knows she's gonna fuck him up by saying that !! My life would be so much easier if these twins had a normal relationship with the concept of being a twin but also this story would be very boring

The needle pierces his skin and he doesn’t feel it. Only the tequila swirling behind his eyes. The sting of the light-bulb. Jolie speaks again, “but she looks just like you, doesn’t she? Not the same of course, but enough to see each other in each other. That’s the worst part, right? To see the person you hate on the face of someone you love?”

[image id: a photo of the ocean with cliffs in the background, tinted orange by sunset. in the middle, in a white serif font reads "1/10/1987" /end id]

This chapter is so CUTE and also my first successful attempt at a different form that I can consistently keep in the narrative <3 I really like the idea of a fluid novel form that's adaptive to how the character's perception of the world would change which? Idk how much I can maintain that but this definitely follows it. I need to fine tune the execution but the concept is shots and transcript from a camcorder recording and playing with what the camera sees/doesn't see. The title is what the tape would be labelled, and on 1/10/1987 (american dates throw me off omfg) Beau takes Felix to a seaside town for his birthday and yes it's gay <3 but it's also just a lot of stupid dialogue which was very refreshing because I overthink dialogue so much I always think it has to have deeper meaning when sometimes its like....characters can sometimes...have Fun together. They are simply displaying Relationship Dynamics!

BEAU: Okay, give me a second…(the camera zooms on Felix) There we go! Right, okay, so it’s Saturday, January 10th, 1987, what’re doing out here today?

FELIX: What is this, an interview or something? You sound like a TV host on those morning shows.

BEAU: Oh my God no they’re so annoying, don’t compare me to those.

FELIX: No but I can imagine it perfectly. You’d just be all (holding a pretend microphone) Gooood Morrrning from sunny San Francisco! My name is Beau Teixeira and—

Beau: (laughing) Shut the fuck up!

I love this chapter a lot because you can definitely tell that their dynamic has Shifted but also! They are still just friends being friends and I really want them to just kiss already but also I love the natural progression of friends to lovers....falling in love and not realising it and then suddenly it all makes sense...

BEAU: You wanna try filming? It’s easier if you hold it on your shoulder. Like this. Put your hands where mine are.

[How their fingers whisper against each other. How Beau’s cologne smells of lime and tangerine. ]

Beau steps back into view, runs a hand through his curls. Leather jacket flutters in salted wind. Behind him the sunset flickers over waves like a candle flame. He smiles at the camera.

BEAU: I think you’re a natural! You’re definitely gonna be first choice for cameraman on my shitty morning show.

[How Felix smiles at him.]

(cw: next paragraph talks about the AIDS crisis)

Whilst this is a Fun And Cute Chapter there is more depth to it since the last time we see Beau and Felix before it is the first time they open up about the AIDS Crisis and their fears surrounding it. I have a lot of complicated thoughts about writing this part of history that I could write about all day but it boils down to the fact that "so many queer stories are centred around queer trauma and tragedy and queer people deserve to read stories centred around love and happiness" and "with a queer novel set in 1980s SF it'd be just as bad to completely ignore what happened" are two things that can coexist. I definitely think stories centred around the crisis are necessary (recently read The Prettiest Star by Carter Sickels and highly recommend! Also has a similar camcorder function and an emphasis on preserving. Also made me cry) but shouldn't be the default, especially in a story that if published would have a queer readership, so whilst it's something I want to explore I want to do it in a way that ultimately celebrates queer happiness, love and life. Definitely way more that could be said about this and the function of queer trauma in queer narratives but! Both Beau and Felix feel a need to not only capture as much as possible, but to capture it specifically with the intent to look back in the future, as well as a general We Are Going To Try And Find Happiness Wherever We Can. Also feel like a lot of Beau's character clicked whilst writing it which was very fun!

[How Beau wouldn’t say where they were going but cracked before they left San Francisco because he had too many stories to tell: five year old burning his tongue on café tea, six year old falling into waves and being unbothered, seven year old plucking chrysanthemum petals from stranger’s gardens. How Beau has an orange car freshener and missing headrest on the passengers seat. How Beau drove a longer route because it was closer to the coastline. How Beau played Pet Shop Boys’ Please and knew the words to every song. How Felix realized that he did too.]

[image description: a man and a woman sit next to each other on a bench. the photo is taken from behind them. in the background, you can vaguely see water, hills and the golden gate bridge. across the image, in a white serif font reads "everything the same about dorothy and felix" /end id]

Little title explanation: part 1 has two chapters, "Everything Different about Felix" and "Everything Different about Dorothy" which introduce their relationship + impression of each other after not seeing each other in person for four years (and also how they have images of each other in their heads that are false but they're attached to and it's really not helping the whole complicated twin relationship thing but don't worry about it) and I'd like to expand on that in part two so! An attempt was made. This takes place the day after the above chapter on the twins' actual birthday, the first one they're celebrating together since they were 18 and the first one in the "outside world" so it's a moment!

I'm not happy with how this chapter came out but I think it's just because it's an important one to me! Partly because it helps cement the idea that in spite of their complex relationship, Felix and Dorothy never stop being twins and they never stop loving each other even on the days they dislike each other. But mainly because: these are two adults who lost their childhood to trauma and they finally have the freedom to live their life and! Sometimes that means living for the inner child that never got to be a child. As a certified Adult With Childhood Trauma having a chapter like this was v important because trauma never leaves you but that doesn't mean you can't be happy!! Also it's just. cute. They run around San Francisco, bake a really shitty birthday cake, talk about whether or not San Francisco is real, I want what they have. There is underlying conflict because hoo boy there is Shit simmering rn! But it was nice to have this and the previous chapter as just like. Two little golden moments you know. Calm before the storm if you will

Midnight. Dorothy lies on a mattress on the floor in an apartment in San Francisco. Her brother’s head in her lap. “You know what’s crazy to me? Nobody ever asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. That just wasn’t something we were allowed to think about. I know it’s depressing, I just think about that a lot.”

Felix keeps his eyes on the ceiling. The clock ticks. “Well, what do you wanna be when you grow up?”

“Astronaut, of course.”

“I was gonna say astronaut.”

“You definitely weren't,” she says. “Besides, I already claimed it.”

He looks at her. “I was thinking it. Before you said it, I claimed it in my mind.”

“That’s not how it works. I can’t read your mind.”

Felix sits up. “Wait, you can’t? Gee Dotty, some twin you are.” He grins. So does she.

Usually I am like. I don't think they would care too much about the twin thing. But I also think they would definitely joke about it, like if someone asked a stupid question Felix would be like "well of course we can read each others minds, dont you know how twins work?? like right now my twin sister who is my twin is thinking about giving me, her twin brother, $200" But lets end this on an excerpt where Dorothy doesn't give him $200 but she does think Oh How Did I Spend Four Years Without My Brother

(cw: death mention + missing persons mention, plane crash + boating accident mention)

Dorothy is used to his presence, has been for a year: coffee stains on the table, cupboards left open in the kitchen, clustered ashtray in the living room, hair gel and Jazz aftershave behind the bathroom mirror, Queen or Bowie or Alphaville sifting from his room. His voice. How he always knocks on her door to say goodnight. How he weaved himself into the ecosystem like air but tonight she watches her brother do nothing but breathe and she remembers waking up every January 11th in 1983, 84, 85, 86, and chucking a towel over the bathroom mirror. How she told strangers at bars that she’s an only child; or that she had a younger brother, but he died in a plane crash or a boating accident or went on a hiking trip and never came back, was likely immortalised as a John Doe in Oregon or Nevada records. How she went four years without coffee stains and open cupboards and goodnight knocks and Queen or Bowie or Alphaville renditions when he forgets that she exists in this space too. How hollow those four years were.

And that's all I have to share! I'm not sure when the next update will be, but I much prefer this format of talking about the story! If you read this far I love u <3

#revelations revelations #atlastracking #writing update #i wrote most of this update at 5am so ignore any typos god bless

[oikawa-tuwu]

Porch (gn!Reader x Kuroo)

Rated G, 1.6k words

Not Home for the Holidays Masterlist

"Have you ever made a snowman?"

It’s ten in the morning, and you are starting to get concerned.

There he is again, that man, lingering in front of the bay window facing the front lawn, gazing wistfully at the falling snow.

How long has he been there? Since breakfast, at least. Was he there last night, too? Watching those first flakes fall, dusting everything with a little bit of soft white powder. Either way, the man doesn’t look like he plans on moving anytime soon.

And, yeah, maybe there isn’t much to do otherwise. Most of the attractions of the local town were more summer-based, so many of your guests this time of year are just looking for an escape from their regular life, an excuse to do nothing and watch the snow fall. Writers on a retreat, hoping for a strike of inspiration for their next project. Business-men, on the search for a cheap escape from city life. People looking to spend the holidays somewhere that wasn’t their cold, empty apartments.

Still, watching that man sit, frozen,  entranced by the snow outside, was definitely starting to get concerning.

 Whatever. You have chores to do.

 And then the man moved.

That  was the last straw. A couple hours later, when you pass through the entryway, from the stairs to the sitting room to take a break, you notice the man is gone. After a glance outside the windows, you spot him on the porch. Outside. In the freezing cold winter weather.

You watch him for a second, as he leans against the porch railing, still staring at the falling snow.

With a resigned sigh, you reach for your jacket and boots, and follow him outside.

“Hi,” you say, as you sidle up next to him. “Kuroo, right?”

“Yeah,” he answers, but he sounds a little surprised to see you there. “And you… work here at the bed and breakfast?”

“I  own the bed and breakfast,” you correct. “The name’s Y/n.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

It’s quiet for a moment. Peaceful, as you both watch your breath in the chilly air. However, you're thinking, trying desperately to perfectly enunciate the worries on your mind, but there’s no subtle way to inquire if your guest is doing alright, mentally, without sounding abrasive or like you're trying to be an armchair psychologist. Maybe you should just come right out and ask it? Hey, guest of mine, how's it going in that head of yours?

But, before you can, Kuroo murmurs, quietly, “Picture perfect snow. It looks like the opening to a Hallmark movie.”

“Or a horror movie,” you suggest instead, and Kuroo laughs. “A body, murdered in the study, with a blanket undisturbed fresh snow surrounding the isolated bed and breakfast.”

Kuroo, gleefully playing along, gasps, dramatically, “The murderer is one of the guests! Harrowing!”

“A real Agatha Christie.”

Kuroo laughs again. Not a polite laugh to ease the tension or to acknowledge the effort of the joke without condoning it either, but a full-blown, mirthy laugh, uncontained and a little on the side of  cackle-y.

With some of the tension in the air cleared by humor, you find it a little bit easily to ask the question. “Is there a… particular reason you’re out here alone, rather than warming up by the fireplace?”

Kuroo doesn’t answer immediately, just stares out into the white expanse for a couple more seconds. Finally, he asks, “Have you ever made a snowman?”

That definitely wasn't what you expected him to say, but you nod your head anyways. “When I was a kid. Have you not?”

“No,” he says, eyes still on the falling snow. “My sister’s a lot older, so she never wanted to do stuff like that with me, and Kenma… well, Kenma doesn’t like going outside.”

“This Kenma sounds like a smart person.”

“He is,” Kuroo agrees, wholeheartedly. “Smarter than me at least.”

And there it is again, that flash of just a little bit of sadness, a little bit of gloom in the corner of his eye. Kuroo’s frowning, not with his lips, which are still in a polite narrow smile, but with his eyes, and the expression makes you frown.

It’s the holidays! Your guests can’t be sad! What kind of host would you be if you let him mope around about a missed childhood?

“Well,” you say, before you can think otherwise, “Do you want to build a snowman?”

Kuroo laughs, but quickly realizes that you  aren’t  laughing  , and he gapes at you. “Oh, you were serious!”

You shrug. “Why not?”

“Because,” Kuroo starts, but it takes him a second to figure out an actual excuse. “Don’t you have things to do?”

“I just have to cook dinner. That gives us a couple hours to act like children again.”

Kuroo frowns, for real this time, and you can see the gears grinding in his brain, as he thinks, processes, argues between the two options. It’s a painfully long process, and your fingers twitch with anticipation at his response. 

“Let’s do it,” Kuroo finally says, and you see that little frown break out into a full-fledged grin, one so infectious that you feel  yourself starting to grin and then both of you are bounding as quickly as you can down the porch stairs without slipping on the ice, giggling as you start to gather the snow.

It’s been a while since you’ve done this, to say the least, so it takes a few minutes to re-acquaint yourself with the snow. Forming a little ball of snow in your gloved hands, you slowly start to roll it, gathering more and more of the white powder.

Kuroo is a quick learner, apparently, because after only a few minutes of watching you work, he’s started on his own, talking as he works.

It’s a little bit of a struggle to keep a conversation going, as most of your brain is focused on making the best snowman body ever and trying to ignore the cold biting into your nose and cheeks, but the both of you make it work.

Gradually, you learn about him. You learn that he’s a sports promoter that used to play volleyball, and his childhood best friend’s name is Kenma. You learn his favorite food is fish and he wanted to be a doctor until his first year of college when he switched majors, and you learn the reason why he’s spending the holidays alone at a bed and breakfast, hundreds of miles away from Tokyo.

“My family went on vacation abroad,” he says, as he leans against his sizable snowball, taking a much needed rest from your hard work. “I couldn’t go because of work, and Kenma is visiting his friend in Rio.” He shrugs, trying to appear more nonchalant about it than he clearly feels. “I didn’t want to intrude on the holidays of any of my other friends and their families.”

“I’m sure they wouldn’t see it as intruding,” you say, gently. “But, of course, you’re welcome to spend them here instead, if you would like. It’s probably not preferable to family or friends, but…”

“Who says spending the holidays with you isn’t preferable?” Kuroo asks, with a grin that makes your heart skip a beat.

What was that about a Hallmark movie?

Your snowman is done much quicker than you expected. Much quicker than you liked.

Kuroo, before you can even offer, assembles the snowman for you, grunting and heaving as he places his artfully-crafted snowball head on the torso. It’s a little crooked, and, in all honesty, a little pathetic, but you both smile at it.

“Wait,” you say, remembering the bag of carrots in the back of the vegetable drawer. “I’ll be right back.”

You’re certain that you’re tracking snow through the house, but it's fine, you’ll mop later.  This is more important right now. In just a few moments, you have a carrot clutched in your hands, and you skid to a pause in front of the coat closet by the front door. Thankfully, you find a forgotten scarf from two seasons ago, and the hat you keep in there just in case of an emergency bad hair day, and bound down the porch steps towards Kuroo.

“Ta-da!” you announce, raising the accessories (and one carrot) like a hard-won trophy. “Would you like to do the honors?”

With you bracing the back of the head, Kuroo gladly sticks in the makeshift nose, and both of you are full-on giggling as you put on the hat and wrap the scarf around the snowman’s nonexistent neck.

You step back together, simultaneously, admiring your collective handiwork. Kuroo snaps a picture.

“He’s beautiful,” you say.

“Truly a masterpiece,” Kuroo agrees. "Who knew that the two of us could make such a beautiful son?"

You glance over at him, and he glances over to you, and then both of you are laughing again, laughing so hard your stomach hurts and you're wheezing, and just as you have the brief passing thought that you can’t remember the last time a single person has made you laugh this much in a couple hours, Kuroo’s phone rings.

He stops laughing, but still smiles when he reads the caller ID, sending an apologetic glance your way as he answers the phone.

“Hey Kenma,” he says into the phone. “Did you like the snowman? Well, that’s not very nice. We worked hard on him, you know.”

You snicker, which makes him snicker, but the expression fades as he listens to the voice on the other end of the phone.

“Yeah, I’m done with work for now, but I have to be back in Tokyo on the first. No, no, save your money. Okay,  show-off . Truly Kenma, I’m okay here. Have fun with Shoyou.”

Kenma, on the other line, says something, but it's quiet and unintelligible. Kuroo cheeks, already flushed from the cold wind, blush a little more.

“I’m hanging up now,” Kuroo says. “Don't forget to get me a souvenir."

Kuroo laughs at something to quiet for you to hear, and hangs up, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“You're not going to Rio too?”

“Nah,” Kuroo says, shrugging nonchalantly. You note, with a little satisfaction, that sad look in his eyes is gone, replaced with a bright grin. “I think I’ll be plenty at home here.”

Happy Hanukkah!! Thanks for reading, I hope yall have a great week. See you on 12/15 for Kiyoko's!

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyu #hq #kuroo x reader #hq kuroo #kuroo tetsuro x reader #hq!! #kuroo x you

[miracul0us-multishipper]

Welcome to the Back (Part 11)

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Lila knew the situation was getting out of hand, even before she heard Ladybug reveal that they weren’t friends. At this point, she had already escaped the school and hidden outside, where she was in no danger to be seen by Sentiquill. 

“Stupid Ladybug!”, she muttered as she walked home, not bothering to check up on the others or return to school. Even after she saw the Miraculous Cure flash through the sky, her pace didn’t slow. She needed time to think of a fitting lie, and the fallout of today’s akuma would be enough to deal with tomorrow. Ugh, she hated Paris! You could never know what happened next, never plan ahead!

She groaned.

To be fair, the akuma attack was actually kind of convenient this time. It gave her a chance to check up on her looks at home, prepare for the meeting this afternoon. There was no second chance for the first impression, after all!

So when she entered the TV1 tower and flashed the employee ID she’d stolen from Mireille, she looked as professional as she could get.

René Bordeaux’s office was easy to find. His name was written on the door in bright, red letters and the voice that yelled into a phone on the other side was iconic. With a confident smile, she knocked on the door. The voice fell silent, then yelled into the phone once more before hanging up. Angry footsteps advanced and the door was flung open. 

“What is it?!”, a middle-aged man shouted. Lila scanned him quickly. Carefully styled, blond-dyed hair. There was a hint of grey in his roots, something he obviously meant to hide. Scared of aging probably.

His suit looked brand new, but was a little too short on the ankles, she noticed and drew her conclusions: He valued luxury and tried to intimidate with pricy clothes, but didn’t actually know a lot about fashion and likely bought whatever looked the most expensive. He had sideburns, for God’s sake. 60’s nostalgia? Probably wanted to go back to “the good old days” his dad had talked about wistfully when he was young. She wondered if he was right-wing. A Control freak, judging by the meticulously organized room behind him, and he was single given the lacking photos of a girlfriend on his desk. Or photos of anything other than himself in general. There was a wedding ring on his finger, even though Lila’s research had brought up his disastrous divorce of Evelyn Leanne, and that he hadn’t married since. His lack of reminders of Leanne in the office - reference to the photos - made her doubt he harbored any romantic sentiment for her. He was only bitter about being shunned, and about losing a perfect trophy family. Likely hadn’t accepted the divorce. 

All these deductions only took her seconds to complete, René Bordeaux was an open book.

Her smile widened. So much potential!

“Oh, my apologies.”, she said sweetly. “I was looking for René Bordeaux, but if he’s not here yet-“

“I’m René Bordeaux! Why do you think would I be in this office, otherwise?!”

She gasped in false shock.

“You? But you look so young!”

The man blinked, thrown off his rhythm. His anger deflated and his raised hand dropped to his side.

“I... I guess!”

He caught himself and crossed his arms.

“Well, you have a point. But I hear that a lot, young Lady, so what do you want?”

Perfect.

“I am Lila Rossi.”, she introduced herself. “I called you yesterday, about the Journalism Junior contest you produce. A great idea, by the way.”

“Ah, yes, of course. What was that about again?”

Time to get bolder.

“May I come inside?”, she crooned. “This shouldn’t be discussed so out in the open. Wouldn’t want the public to hear of it.”

Now she had his attention. Bordeaux had made his money as a populist and paparazzi, a reporter known for his scandalous articles. He’d lost his job after the lawsuits last year, but his new position as chief editor of TV1 didn’t mean he had lost his lurid hunger for sensations - especially if he was the first one to know.

He huffed, but stepped back to let her in. The view out of the window front was fantastic, but she wasn’t here to marvel at the city. So she came straight to the point.

“I am a great fan of you work!”, she lied. “Especially your article after the Leanne-Agreste Show Disaster. Your concern about your son’s well being was very inspiring for me. I wish I had a father like that.”

She was glad she didn’t have a father like that, but Bordeaux didn’t need to know that. His brows furrowed in confusion.

“Am I supposed to be flattered?”, he grumbled, but his chest visibly swoll with pride. “What does this have to do with the contest?”

Her shoulders dropped in concern. 

“Monsieur Bordeaux, I don’t know how to tell you this, but... See, Felix is in my class, and I am very concerned about him. I wanted to do my report on him, but what I found during my research worries me.”

He’s a control freak, she remembered, and he has no real sentiment towards his family. He only cares about reputations.

“He’s surrounding himself with all the wrong people, and when I - as the class representative - wanted to warn his mother, she brushed me off as if she didn’t care at all.”

Bordeaux tried to hide his interest, but there was a spark of hunger in his eyes. He was sensing a chance.

“Is that so?”

“Yes. See, our class is very... diverse.” 

If he leaned to right side of politics, the word would repulse him.

“There’s people like Felix, Adrien Agreste, the mayor’s daughter or me in our class, who are well educated and come from the right families. But there are also... less fortunate people. Like Mademoiselle Dupain-Cheng for example, who has great influence over your son.”

He flinched at the foreign last name, just as expected. His face had turned sour.

“What are you saying?”

“I say, Felix needs you.”, she catered to his ego. “He has no father figure, no role model. His mother lets him do whatever he wants, not caring about his future or who might take advantage of him. He has an unhealthy amount of freedoms, and just this morning, he fell victim to Hawkmoth!”

Bordeaux’s hands twitched and his eyes widened.

“An akuma was after my heir?! Who was it? I need names!”

“Oh no, he was akumatized himself.”, she informed him smugly. He muttered something about bad publicity, then looked up again.

“What was the reason? His mother? He’s ridiculously devoted to her.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know.”, she lied. “He was alone with Dupain-Cheng when it happened.”

She sighed, then put enough urgency in her voice to make even herself cringe.

“He really needs someone who knows what’s best for him, who can look out for him and will set him limits. He needs you!”

Bordeaux scoffed and paced through his office.

“Do you think I didn’t try to save this family?! Evelyn won’t let me near them anymore, and Felix would rather live like a pauper before going against her.”

Lila smiled.

“I know.”

Her schemes were finally going somewhere.

“But I might have a solution for you.”

-

When Adrien came to school the next day, he felt numb. There was no Plagg at his side, no ring on his finger, no sense of freedom in his chest as he walked up to the entrance. Everything felt hollow. How could everyone be this carefree when his entire world had been uprooted yesterday? Didn’t they feel the shift in the air, the tension in the room? Chat Noir had vanished, yet nobody seemed to mind.

“Dude, there you are!”, Nino greeted him from a bench at side, surrounded by his classmates. “We were worried sick about you, yesterday! Did you see the Akuma Attack? We were all working with Ladybug, it was so cool!”

Adrien flinched, before stomping over to them.

“Really?”, he asked, trying to suppress his fury. “That sounds awesome! I was busy looking for Chat Noir, in case you wanted to know! So he could get back to protecting Ladybug.”

If Nino noticed how passive-aggressive he sounded, he only shrugged.

“Man, didn’t you hear? It was all over the news last night.”

Adrien frowned in confusion.

“Huh?”

“Yeah!”, Alix chimed in. “Chat Noir is cancelled!”

His blood ran cold. Did they... did they know he had lost his ring?!

“Look at this.”, Alya demanded and showed him her phone, playing a video on the Ladyblog. “Nino filmed this, since I was taken out.”

His eyes widened when he recognized the scenery. It was filmed from under the stairs, but Sentiquill and Ladybug were perfectly clear to see. His Lady held the Akuma in place with her yo-yo, ordering Chat to help. Alya was snorting with anger when the hero refused, leaving Rose at Sentiquill’s mercy.

“Can you believe it?!”, she seethed when the camera panned to Ladybug’s pained face, who apologized for rejecting him before asking for his help again. “He made her beg! He let Rose be drained for ink, just so he could force her into his stupid power play! And her apology?”

She scoffed.

“I can’t believe he would ask that of her! As if she owed him anything for rejecting him!”

“Don’t forget the part where he almost killed Ladybug!”, Chloé spoke up. “If I ever see his ugly ass face again, I won’t need a Miraculous to rip him apart.”

“But,” Adrien stammered, “We don’t know the whole story! Maybe he had a valid reason to-“

Chloé laughed and pinched his cheek.

“Oh, silly Adrikins. I always forget how little experience you have with people.”

Kim nodded.

“Yeah, if you get rejected, no matter how, you gotta accept it. Doesn’t mean you gotta take any shit” - he glared at Chloé, who had the decency to look ashamed - “But you sure have no right to pressure her into anything. And demanding an apology for saying no?”

He clicked his tongue.

“That guy definitely wasn’t present for Mendeleiev‘s lesson on consent.”

“He abandoned Rose.”, Juleka murmured from the background, holding her unusually quiet girlfriend’s hand. “I’ll never forgive him for that.”

Adrien gulped.

“Well, Miraculous Ladybug always undoes every harm, right?”

“Cut it, Adrien!”, Alya snarled at him all of a sudden. Everyone fell silent. The reporter blinked, then leaned back a little to regain control of herself.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”, she mumbled, staring at nothing. “What it felt like. Just because Ladybug can cure everyone doesn’t mean she can undo what happened to us.”

Nino put his arm around her and she relaxed a little. When she looked at Adrien again, she was as composed as always.

“I’ve never been more terrified than yesterday.”, she stated firmly. “And it was even worse for Rose, judging by how much ink Sentiquill got out of her. Chat could have spared her that, but he chose not to. To him, each of us was less important than getting back at Ladybug. Just for not catering to his whims.”

She shook her head.

“If Ladybug doesn’t kick his ass, Rena Rouge will.”

“Uh, I literally said it first.”, Chloé complained. “Tell Fox girl to stand in line, Queen Bee is the one that’s going to kick that mangy cat into orbit!”

As the others broke out in a fight of who would have the best chance to beat up Chat Noir - Sabrina stood eerily still in the corner, saying something about a knife and Chat’s eyes - Adrien slipped out of the yard. It felt like the entire universe was against him! Everything came crashing down around him, no one took his side anymore-

“Adrien?”, a voice behind him asked and he turned around to see Lila. “Are you alright?”

He swallowed down his feelings.

“Yeah”, he croaked. “Just worried. Ladybug told everyone about you, classes are going to be... tense.”

He sighed. He might not be Chat Noir right now, but he was still Adrien Agreste, Bustier’s sunshine boy. He had to keep the peace as far as possible.

“You need to come clean.”, he suggested. “Apologize and tell them the truth about everything, then maybe, this will blow over soon.”

And maybe Marinette would be his friend again. This whole Lila-mess had only harmed them all, it was time to set things right.

Lila nodded.

“Of course, you are so right.”

She smiled weakly.

“I know I never told you this, but you are a great friend. Thank you for protecting me as long as you could. I really wish people would listen to you more, you’re so thoughtful!”

He looked up.

“You think so?”

She nodded, patting his shoulders.

“They can’t see it, but I do.”, she assured him. “You do so much for your friends. You prevent them from harming themselves, from destroying the harmonic atmosphere. They can be grateful to call you their friend.”

He blushed a bit, flattered. And relieved. Finally someone that appreciated all his hard work!

Lila sighed and walked towards the yard.

“I’m really sorry you’ll be dragged into this mess, Adrien.”

He stiffened. Wait, what?

“What do you mean?”

She stopped to look at him, surprised.

“Well, if I tell them the truth about everything, I’ll have to tell them you knew everything from the start. You and I know it was only for their own good that you didn’t expose me, but they... You’ll be pulled into this inevitably. Things will likely be horrible for you for a while, maybe you’ll even lose some friends. Nino, Alya, Chloé... I don’t think they’ll understand you were doing the right thing.”

His mind was running wild. No! He already had them badmouthing Chat Noir in front of him, he wouldn’t be able to bear it if they hated him as Adrien too!

“Lila, wait!”, he called when she moved to walk on. “Maybe... Maybe there’s another way. To keep everyone calm. We can think of something, I’ll help you!”

She smiled.

“You would do that for me? You’re so sweet.”

Her eyes glistened eagerly.

“I think I already have an idea.”

-

“How are you feeling?”, Felix asked her. They stood in front of the classroom, hesitating to go inside. But Marinette had enough of fearing confrontation. Chat, Adrien, Lila, all of them were people she didn’t want to run from anymore. It was time to walk her way and hope that her friends would have her back. But she was through with waiting for problems to resolve on their own. 

“Well enough.”, she replied. “And you?”

He shrugged.

“I don’t remember much of what happened, and I generally don’t care what others think of me. But...”

He sighed.

“I did hurt people. Not consciously, but it still happened because of me.”

Marinette couldn’t say anything against that, so she simply took his hand. Whether for his comfort or her own, she didn’t know.

“Come on.”, she said. “I’m sure they’ll understand, and... It’s not like Lila will be a problem anymore, at least! So let’s get this over with.”

With that, she opened the door and walked inside. Only to see Lila surrounded by their classmates.

“Marinette!”, she called. “Just in time. I was just telling everyone how Ladybug saved me again, yesterday.”

Marinette felt her eyes twitch.

“Ladybug- You- I-“, she pressed out, wanting to throttle her. How was it possible that she just sat here as if nothing happened?! Things were supposed to be different now!

Felix nudged her hand and she looked up to him. He nodded at the rest of the class with his chin, and her eyes followed his gesture. They weren’t hanging on her every word as she had feared. No, Chloé wasn’t even listening, filing her nails with an occasional roll of her eyes. Alya sat next to an angry Nino, arms crossed. Juleka’s eyes were shooting daggers at Lila.

All in all, the class looked suspicious. Not enthralled and excited, but almost annoyed. An improvement!

“Ya better hurry to give us a damn good explanation, girl!”, Alya growled. “Because I have Lb’s statement on video, and I won’t hesitate to post it online!”

Lila gave her a surprised glance.

“What are you talking about? Did I do something wrong?”

Nino glowered at her.

“That’s a damn bold question, Lie-la! Ladybug told us everything.”

His girlfriend raised her phone, playing Ladybug’s fight against Sentiquill. 

“But fine!”, Marinette heard her alter ego shout. “If it makes you happy!” Then she started to rant about Lila, who looked suspiciously calm.

“Well”, she shrugged when the sequence was over, “she really went all out, didn’t she?”

“What do you mean?”

Lila chuckled.

“I mean, just look at her face! So disdainful, so authentic! A great actress, really!”

Alya faltered a bit.

“Actress?”

“Of course!”, she laughed. “Ladybug was obviously trying to placate Sentiquill, as we all know Felix doesn’t like me since our little misunderstanding. A bummer it didn’t work, but I guess she isn’t perfect either.”

She sighed and straightened herself.

“Ladybug told me to flee, since the Akuma was after me specifically. I would have stayed with you otherwise, and helped to defend you against Sentiquill. But she knew if I was nearby, he’d go after me and then Ladybug would be distracted. She cares so much about me, her worry for my wellbeing would have interfered with her ability to think straight.”

Alya frowned. 

“How do we know this isn’t another lie? It’s your word against Ladybug’s, and you haven’t proven anything!”

Pondering, Lila tapped her finger against her chin.

“Hm, let’s see... Adrien! You saw us; you can be my witness, right?”

Everybody turned around and Marinette’s eyes widened. Adrien stood at the window, looking weary but determined. Surely he wouldn’t... He had covered for Lila before, true, but to lie on her behalf...

Her hopes sunk when he avoided eye contact with her.

“It’s true.”, he stated flatly. “I saw them talk after the battle. Ladybug...” He gulped. “Ladybug apologized for saying all these things, but it was only to protect her.”

“That’s not true!”, Marinette howled furiously. “What are you even saying, Adrien?!”

He looked away, pouting.

“Stop shouting at me. It’s the truth! I saw them when I was on my way... on my way-“

“-to accompany me to Jagged Stone!”, Lila finished for him, a smug look on her face. “I invited him along because he was so rattled after the akuma attack. To cheer him up! Jagged is the best when it comes to lighten the mood, right, Adrien?”

“Uh... yeah!”, the blond agreed hesitantly, obviously confused. “Totally! I, er, can confirm.”

Marinette’s eyes burned into his spineless figure, seething with rage. This had been his chance. For someone that preferred inactivity when it came to his friends, he was all too quick to stand up for a liar. 

“So... it was all true?”, Alya dared to hope. “You really are Ladybug’s friend, and you know Jagged Stone?”

“Don’t forget Prince Ali, but yes. I’d never lie to you, Alya!”, Lila reassured. “Everything I said is true.”

Felix took a step forward, opening his mouth to protest, but Marinette put her hand on his chest to stop him. 

“Don’t.”, she whispered, forcibly cooling down her anger to a simmering hatred. “They win this round.”

Everything Felix could say now would only further Lila’s victim role, and they had no proof right now. It would be a waste of time.

Felix clenched his teeth, but nodded. To their surprise, the others weren’t done yet.

“I don’t believe you.”, Juleka mumbled and Lila’s face fell. 

“What did you just say?”

“I said, I don’t believe you!”, the goth shouted, startling everyone. Rose was clutching her hand like a lifeline as her girlfriend looked up, tears in her eyes. “When Sentiquill went after Rose, Ladybug didn’t hesitate to do the logical thing and save me first, even if that meant making herself vulnerable. I know she cares about Rose, but when push came to shove, she was still able to think tactical. God knows I didn’t like her decision, but it was what saved both of us.”

Lila narrowed her eyes.

“Juleka, you sound like you wanted her to sacrifice Rose! Do you really care so little about-“

“Shut up!”, Rose cried out. Marinette wasn’t sure she had ever seen her this upset. “That’s not what she meant, and you know it!”

“Are you two calling me a liar?”

Juleka shot her a glare.

“I’m saying that I trust Ladybug. She’s able to do her job, no matter the circumstances and who might be at stake. She cares about all of us and doesn’t play favorites. If your word’s against hers, we know where we’ll stand.”

She nudged Rose, who nodded. Together they walked towards the door, but stopped when they passed Marinette and Felix.

“I don’t blame you for anything.”, Rose murmured to him so that only they could hear it. “I know what it feels like to be controlled like that. To be forced to hurt people you care about. We’re all used to it by now, you’re not alone.”

Then they walked out.

The class only recovered slowly. Many regarded Lila with distrust, most were unsure. Even Alya, who was only too desperate to believe Lila, had her doubts.

Felix gave her an encouraging smile.

“Looks like things are in motion.”

Marinette nodded, tearing her gaze from Adrien.

“I think it’s time to move on as well.”, she confessed. “To leave old burdens behind.”

She thought of Chat Noir.

“To make a clear cut.”

-

Marinette was busy this afternoon. 

Doing homework. 

Changing her computer’s background. 

Putting the finishing touch on the cravat she designed for Felix. 

Feeding Tikki a macaron she’d made for Adrien. 

Preparing an outline for her report. 

Ripping Adrien’s pictures off her wall. 

Playing video games with her parents. 

Taking the chest with her gifts for Adrien to Prince Ali’s charity for sick children. 

Calling Felix. 

Clearing her calendar of Adrien’s appointments. 

Crying a bit. 

Calling Felix again. 

Feeling better.

When it was evening, she finally ran out of things to do. And that meant, she had nothing to distract her from her own thoughts. That wouldn’t do.

“I’m going out for a walk!”, she told her parents as she bounced down the stairs, nearly tripping over her own feet.

“Be careful!”, her mother replied and waved. “And be back before dinner!”

“Don’t you want to take something to eat with you? Or a jacket? Or-“

“Tom.”

“Oh, right. Uh, have fun!”

Marinette chuckled at her parents difference. She’d always wanted to be in a relationship like theirs: one of mutual respect, but with room for silliness and fun. To have someone that was so different from her, but shared enough of her passions and values to match. A partnership of equals, that wouldn’t waver or fade when things got difficult. Someone who inspired her to grow. Someone who wasn’t afraid to learn from her as well.

She had thought that was Adrien. Part of her might even have considered Chat Noir - the yin yang symbolic hadn’t gone unnoticed by her. But her mother had explained her for what the Taijitu truly stood: not an eternal battle of opposites, but the harmonic completion of two contrasts, the ever changing nature of the world. Chat Noir wasn’t someone who completed her, and neither was Adrien. They had only brought her misery when they should have supported her.

She sighed as she walked through the park, the half moon rising above her. Black and white.

Her mother had often used the Taiji symbol to comfort her when she’d had one of her streaks of bad luck. It’s natural to have a hard time once in a while, she’d said. But see? The darkness recedes eventually and makes room for the light. It’s a circuit, and soon things will get better for you as well. Until then? Just search for the tiny white dot. The beacon in the darkness, it’s there!

Marinette leaned her head back, watching the darkening sky.

The light in her darkness? That was Felix. The only constant support she had these days. The one whose mere presence cheered her up, gave her the strength to keep going. It was so weird, now that she thought about it. He was so... harsh. Like a bright fire that could blind and burn mercilessly, but somehow drew her in like a moth to his flame. Like the sun, that could bring people’s worst flaws to daylight, or illuminate strengths she hadn’t even known she had. He had been both demanding and eager to give, from the very beginning. Forcing her to put her self-imposed limits aside and stand up for herself, but supporting her when he knew she needed it. In return, he had opened himself to her, learned to trust and bond with others. She’d never been more proud than when he had befriended Aurore, despite their rocky start. Or when he tried to dial his bluntness down around Marc, because he knew the boy was sensitive.

He had impressed her. Everything about him was challenging and inspiring and soothing at once. She’d never liked herself more than when she was around him. And when she wasn’t, she found herself thinking about him constantly. 

Even now, musing over their influence on each other brought a smile to her lips and lightened her steps until she all but floated through the park. Now that she thought about it, she liked the feeling a lot. More than a lot. If she didn’t know any better, she’d almost say she lo-

“Marinette”, Tikki called her from her purse. “I sense someone. Wayzz is nearby!”

She looked up, searching the park for the familiar hawaiian shirt. Indeed, it was the guardian himself that stood in front of the fountain, hands clasped in front of him. Curious, she walked up beside him.

“Good evening, Master Fu!”, she greeted. “Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s the stomach?”

The elder man gave her a sullen side glance. 

“I thought we had agreed to never talk of that again.”

She chuckled and followed his gaze to the fountain.

“Did we? I don’t recall!”

He didn’t smile, but his wrinkled forehead relaxed a bit. Weird. Usually, he was a lot more eager to joke around, given he had so little company to do that with.

“Is something the matter? You look upset.”

Fu sighed.

“Sharp as always. I am concerned for you, for Ladybug’s safety.”

Her face grew serious.

“That’s a concern I can understand.”, she muttered. “I nearly died yesterday. It was that close!”

Fu nodded.

“I saw.”

“Then why didn’t you do anything?”, she snapped, forgetting herself. “I needed help, and you could have given that to me!”

Her master lowered his head, eyes fixed on the water.

“Because I am weak.”, he admitted. “And a coward. And not the guardian you deserve.”

He looked so old when he rubbed his forehead, almost ancient.

“In my defense, if I had known the situation was this terrible, I would have taken the miracle box with me. Or at least the Turtle, Fox or Bee. Alas, I was only aware of Chat Noir’s miraculous turning dark, and thought that we would be enough to handle him. I didn’t expect the akuma.”

“Wait...”, she slowed him down. “Chat’s Miraculous was abused? Like... Like the butterfly is?”

Fu didn’t answer. Instead, he raised his hand to reveal what he held inside. A black ring, complete with a familiar green paw print.

“His miraculous!”, she whispered in awe, then turned towards the guardian. “What did you do?! When did you do that?”

“Immediately after you purified Sentiquill’s akuma.”, he stated wearily. “And that was already far too late. I should have taken it after Syren, Frozer maybe. I hope you can forgive me for that.”

She felt a pang in her chest that she had lost her partner of almost a year, but it was overshadowed by an euphoric sense of relieve. She hadn’t noticed how much Chat had troubled her until she didn’t have to worry about him anymore. No more fear to hurt his feelings, no more dancing around the truth to avoid upsetting him. No more tantrums and reckless sacrifices. No more pressure to feel something she just... didn’t.

“I want you to have it.”, Fu continued and raised his hands when she wanted to protest. “Not for yourself, of course! Marinette, I have chosen solitude as the safest way to protect the miraculous, and for a while, it worked. But times changed.”

He breathed out, his posture slouching in shame.

“Times changed, and I didn’t. Chat Noir is the proof that I am no longer fit to distribute powers like his. But you? You have proven time and again that your trust in others is well deserved, that your choices are wise.”

His voice was full of warmth and trust.

“You have to be the one to choose a new partner, Ladybug.”, he announced firmly. “Someone you can trust not to disappoint you. It’s about time you get a say in this, don’t you think?”

She stared at the ring, so caught up in an electrifying kind of awe that she couldn’t really process his words. This was the Miraculous of destruction, the other half to her powers. If she took it, she would hold more power in her hands than should be humanly possible. What if something happened to her? What if she lost it, what if Hawkmoth got his hands on it? As long as it had no wielder, it would remain in this state and show its true colors. Everyone would be able to recognize it!

“A-are you sure you want me to have this?”, she asked with a trembling voice. Master Fu smiled.

“I have made a lot of reckless decisions. This is not one of them.”

He held the ring out to her.

“I trust you, Marinette. And I know Ladybug will chose better than I did.”

Hesitantly, carefully as if it might burn her, she took the Miraculous from his hands. It was warm in her hands, as if it were alive.

“I won’t disappoint you.”, she promised Fu, her eyes blazing with determination. She wouldn’t take this lightly, wouldn’t fail him. This time, her Chat Noir would be a hero.

- - - 

Phew, done. I don't know much about Daoism, and only just started to research the philosophy behind yin and yang (or the Taijitu), but I really wanted Marinette to be more in touch with her heritage. Mama Cheng spilled her wisdom, and little Marinette sucked it up like a sponge.

#miramu writes #welcome to the back #wttb #felinette fanfic #felinette #miraculous ladybug #mlb #ml felix

[sellyoursoulforagoodfic]

Apparently You’re Married Chapter 3

Dredd x reader

Summary: So Wolfe finds out who exactly you’re married to, and you enjoy the hell out of the consequences.

Word Count: 1500

About two weeks later, the married Judges were out in an area where they could dine in at a restaurant. They’d managed to both take the same day off for once so they could celebrate their anniversary, and they were damn well gonna take advantage of it. It’d been six months since they’d last been on a real date, and that was completely unacceptable to both parties. So down the street they walked hand-in-hand after parking his off-duty motorcycle.

Y/N squeezed his arm fondly, the leather of his jacket creaking lightly in response. “I’d almost forgotten what your hair looks like,” she teased.

“Uh-huh,” he smirked at her. Almost immediately Dredd’s face fell. “Your partner is walking towards us,” he growled unhappily.

Whipping her head back to the front, Y/N snarled, “Great.”

It was about then that Y/N saw a giant grin spread across Lily’s face, and moments after she was standing right in front of them. “Hey, partner!” she greeted loudly.

“Will you be quieter?” Y/N snapped. “Yelling about our day jobs isn’t a good idea.”

“Oh! Sorry! Anyway, bestie, who’s this?” The redhead bounced on her toes in an attempt to be cute.

“Don’t call her that,” Dredd ordered, “and if you must know I’m her husband.”

Y/N’s hand reflexively tightened around his at that. Alarmed, she looked up at his face as he rubbed his palm on the scruffy beard. It didn’t escape her notice that he was intentionally looking down at their latest annoyance.

That irritating grin was back on Lily’s face in a flash. “I was wondering when I’d get to meet you! I’m Lily!”

A cruel smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth. “Oh, we’ve met.”

“We have? What’s your name?”

“Dredd. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have reservations,” was his reply before he gently led Y/N to the restaurant.

It wasn’t until they were seated a few minutes later that Y/N finally pulled her mind out of the shock that that had just happened. Beaming at her husband, she squeezed the hand that she was now holding on top of the table. “I love you so much.”

An actual smile bloomed across his features as he kissed the back of that same hand. “I hope so,” was his response. “You did marry me after all.”

She laughed. “I can’t believe you just dropped that and left!”

Dredd just silently smiled at his grinning wife as she talked.

“She’s gonna be really fucking annoying tomorrow, but goddamn the look on her face might have been worth it. Word’s definitely gonna spread around the Hall though. That won’t be fun.”

“Babe, we got married three years ago, and we’ve lived together for four. I’m surprised no one figured it out before now.”

“True,” she admitted. “Still, that was awesome. Best anniversary present ever.”

The next morning, Y/N woke to the sound of someone banging on the front door. Beneath her, she felt her husband stir too. Running a hand across his bare shoulder blade, she whispered, “Go back to sleep; I’ll check it out,” before rolling off of him and out of bed.

A hand grabbed hers before she was out of reach and lightly tugged her back down for a groggy kiss. “Take your gun just in case,” Joseph requested roughly.

The persistent banging hurried what would have been a lazy morning, and Y/N was thoroughly pissed by that fact as she stepped into the living room. With a huff, she pulled her gun off the desk. It pinged to let her know that her DNA ID had been accepted. “Rapid fire,” she muttered to change the ammo type. Cautiously, she opened the door.

And she scoffed in annoyance at who she saw on the other side, because of course it was Lily.

“Well?” the redhead sneered with her arms crossed. “Are you gonna explain yourself?”

Y/N narrowed her eyes at the sheer audacity of that statement. “You come to my apartment at,” she glanced behind her at the clock, “six in the morning, bang on the door loud enough to wake me up, and then have the balls to demand answers about something that isn’t any of your business? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“I’m your partner; I have the right to know things like the fact that you’re the most respected Judge’s trophy wife.”

“Excuse--”

“You know he’s probably using you, right? You’re scary, so he probably keeps you around to keep women away from him when he’s off-duty.”

“What the fu--”

“He’s way out of your league, anyway, based on how hot he apparently is under that helmet.”

Once again, Y/N’s jaw clenched as she read the unspoken “He’s in my league” in those words. “Listen here, you pampered little priss. You may have been assigned as my partner, but that does not,” her voice was shaking more than she’d care to admit, “make you my friend nor does it give you the right to insult me or my husband. I’ve known him since before you even started that fucking class back at the Academy, so don’t you dare say that our relationship isn’t real.”

A warm hand squeezing her shoulder alerted her to the fact that Dredd had come to stand behind her. Y/N turned to look up at him when he gently pried the gun out of her hand. His face was grim as he glared at Lily. Dredd was made no less intimidating by the fact that he was currently wearing only a pair of black-and-white plaid pajama pants. “Leave,” he ordered bluntly.

“No, we need to--”

“You are guilty of slander against a Judge, disturbing the peace, and stalking; together, these crimes carry a sentence of two years in an isocube. Leave, and I’ll forget the charges.”

Lily huffed, spun on her heel, and stormed off.

“I’m going to fucking kill her tomorrow when we clock in,” Y/N grumbled.

“No, you’re not,” Dredd soothed, gently prying her firearm out of her grasp. Fortunately he was included in its database as acceptable fingerprints due to their relationship, had been for four years. He then started rubbing his hands up and down her upper arms after putting the gun on the table, “because you’re not going to be working with her after this.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “Joseph, what did you do?”

He smirked. “I may have pulled a few strings to get you away from that harpy. That rookie I tested back at Peach Trees is a mutant, a psychic, and she needs a partner to perform optimally. I put in a request for you to be that partner.”

“And Williams just approved it?”

“After I argued your case that you’re used to working with a partner, and that Wolfe is a liability around you, one of our most upstanding officers, yes she did. It didn’t hurt that I put in the recommendation as both her assessor and your trainer.”

“Meaning you know our qualifications better than anyone,” Y/N finished for him. “Careful, Dredd, or people’ll start thinking you’re playing favorites.”

That smirk became a toothy smile as his hands fell to her hips to pull her closer. “Just wait’ll they see what I’m about to do, then,” he muttered before picking her up to set her on the table by the front door, prompting her to wrap her legs around his waist. From there, it was easy to pick her back up to carry her to their bed. “Hands on the headboard, sweetheart,” he rumbled next to her ear.

In a rare show of obedience, Y/N did as instructed and didn’t even flinch when one of the two ties he owned was tied around her wrists. It was mostly for show, anyway; both of them knew that she could slip the restraint whenever she wanted. “You know, this should be the other way around since I should be thanking you.”

“And you’re doing that by letting me do this. You just sit pretty and enjoy this.”

“Laugh it up, Dredd,” she teased. “You’re next.”

“Promises, promises,” he chuckled.

It was with a great deal of reluctance that Y/N got dressed the following morning. There was a sinking feeling in her gut that something--probably her old partner--was going to happen. By this point, she and Dredd knew to trust her instincts about such things. She wasn’t a mutant, but how right her instincts were was always pretty uncanny.

“Tell Williams if Wolfe tries anything today,” Dredd requested. “Please don’t do anything that’ll get you in trouble.”

“I know. Like I said when I first got assigned to her, I’m not dumb enough to risk our relationship just because she’s unpleasant.”

He paused lacing his boots long enough to lean over and kiss her temple. “I know, but I worry.”

“You shouldn’t; you’re the one that had to deal with me back when I might have done something stupid because of her.”

#dredd x reader #dredd imagine #judge dredd x reader #judge dredd imagine #reader insert

[catsandstrawberries]

Real Family: 6

Pairings: BTS x female reader, platonic love

Warnings: Language, domestic abuse (future), neglect

A/N: Thanks for all the positive feedback so far guys!

Summary: It’s not blood that makes a family. It’s love.

Masterlist

Just as I thought, I had gotten no sleep that night, and instead choose to watch the transition from night to day. Shortly after the sun had risen from the horizon, a knock sounded from the closed door followed by a head of brown hair poking into the room. 

"Hey, breakfast is ready if you're hungry." The moment I slid into the chair I'm served an enormous platter of food. Eggs, ham, pancakes, piles of fried potatoes. A tureen of fruit sits in ice to keep it chilled. The basket of rolls they set in front of me could keep me going for a week. There's an elegant glass of orange juice set beside my plate and I can't help but look up towards the boys. As if asking for permission to eat. Jin nods his head at me, his eyes crinkling in a smile as I forced myself to eat slowly so I wouldn't look like a complete slob. Most of the boys slowly trickled in, Namjoon being one of the first. Just as he took a bite of his banana a ding sounded from his pocket, he quickly pulled out his phone turning towards Jin and Hoseok. “Bang wants us to take her with us to the studio to do some promotional advertising with her, get photos, make videos, stuff like that.” They continued on with their conversation and I promptly decided that the scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, and herbs were much more interesting. 

“Would you like to come to the studio with us (Y/N)?” I looked up from my plate, mouth full and turned to Hoseok, a blush on my cheeks as I simply nodded while swallowing. He pinched my cheeks, a smile spreading across his face, “(Y/N)’s so cute!” I flinched at his hands, nervously looking down just missing the hurt and confused gaze that fell on his face. Thankfully, Tae had entered grabbing a piece of toast and shouting on his way towards the door,

“let's get going slow pokes, let's not forget we have a photoshoot today!” Jungkook stumbled down the stairs, his hair sticking up in several places mumbling under his breath as he sat down next to me chugging a glass of water.

“Jungkook-ah we have to leave in a few minutes, you and (Y/N) should both go get ready,” Jungkook grumbled, grabbing an apple then shuffling back up the stairs, quickly following in his footsteps I stumbled after him but instead went to my own room. Looking through my backpack for some decent clothes I pulled out a pair of black ripped jeans and a short sleeve blue button down-either that or one of my stained sweatshirts, and pretty sure the boys said I would be doing an interview so I should probably look presentable.

Rushing down the stairs towards the front door I pulled my sneakers on and was met with a white limousine. I stared in awe at the car before jumping in the seat, squeezing in next to Jimin. I stared at all of the boys, somehow dressed casually but still looking like they could walk the red carpet. Namjoon furiously typed on his phone, a few of the other boys doing the same while the rest relaxed against the seat.

“(Y/N) are you excited to see BigHit?” Hoseok broke the silence, the question causing some of the boys to turn to me. “Yeah, Is BigHit where you work?” He nodded at my question,

“It'll be cool to see what you guys do behind the scenes and the process of making music.” Just as the words left my mouth large groups of people surrounded a huge, curved building, windows decorating the corners and bodyguards standing at the entrance and clearing a path for the boys. I visibly tensed at the crowd of people, scenes from leaving the orphanage entering my mind.

“Don't stress too much (Y/N), our bodyguards are good at what they do.” Taehyung's reassuring statement eased my nerves slightly, but as soon as the door opened I was immediately blinded by the bright lights from the cameras. Ears buzzing from the screaming fans, I glanced over to the boys as most of them gave small waves to fans but didn't stop to talk to them. They looked so unfazed by the various screams coming from all directions, how did they do it? Suddenly a pair of black sunglasses were being placed over my eyes, giving the world a darker tint and easing my sight from the bright lights. A hand on my lower back led me into the building through the front doors, and as soon as I was shielded by the glass roof and the high arched ceiling I let out a breath of relief. “I don't understand how you guys do that every day.” I mumbled just as Hoseok had taken the sunglasses off my face that I assumed were his, 

“you’ll get used to it.” 

An older looking man, who looked to be in his late 40's turned the corner. He was wearing a casual dark blue suit, short brown hair and grey wire glasses laid on his face. His arms opened as he saw us, "there's my favorite Kpop group." The man gave Namjoon a hug as Jimin spoke up, "Hey Bang." The man, who I assumed was Bang, turned towards me after giving each of the boys a greeting, a smile on his face, 

"this must be (Y/N), so excited to meet you." He gave me a once over, and I pretended not to notice the judging look in his eyes as he took in my appearance. 

"That's me, you must be Bang Pd?" I reached my hand out and he firmly took it. "Let's all head up to my office and we can talk about the plan for today." The boys nodded, and I followed there lead as they led me through the huge building. Numerous other males and females dressed in suits and dresses passed us by carrying stacks of paper, talking into earpieces, and rapidly typing on phones. Almost all of the workers looked up as soon as we walked by, even those emerged in their phones. Staring at awe at the boys or with a blush on their faces. I guess that's what happens when you become famous. Bangs office was on the top floor, the elevator leading straight to his office after he slid his ID passed a scanner. The room was huge, painted white with a black glass desk sitting in the corner of the room. The room was uncluttered and minimalistic, plants residing in the corner, and on his desk was a simple leather notebook, a computer, and a trophy shaped similar to an old fashioned microphone. It was gold, shiny and on the plaque in bold read, ‘Billboard Music Awards.’ The wall behind his desk, however, was a floor to ceiling window. The bright sun and calm clouds made me wonder what the view would look like at night. 

“Take a seat.” Bang motioned towards the black leather couch in front of his desk but then looked towards me just as the boys sat down. “(Y/N), do you mind grabbing me some coffee from the 4th floor?” A part of me wanted to say no considering I literally had no idea where I was going, also I'm pretty sure that the owner of a huge corporation like BigHit had people to get him coffee. “

Sure,” I said walking towards the elevator. Tae turned towards me giving me a reassuring smile. As soon as the elevator door shuts I couldn't help but press my ear to the door. “Boys, what the fuck are you doing? You're all so awkward around her.” I jumped away from the wall at his voice and decided to stop eavesdropping and actually find out where the coffee was. Once I had gotten to the fourth floor I was immediately met with a room full of people. Concept maps were posted on the wall with different themes such as bad boy, high schoolers, light, lost souls, I stopped in front of one of the boards. Unlike the other ones, this had little to no pictures, words or connections on it. The only reason I had stopped was the two bolded words at the top. It read, ‘family’ and under that, a red string connected it to, ‘adoption?’ 

“Excuse me,” I whipped my head around at the feminine voice, finding a young woman wearing a pencil skirt and blouse. “Are you lost?” She gave me a once over then raised an eyebrow, probably thinking I had snuck in. “Kind of. I'm supposed to bring Bang some coffee,” I mumbled as the woman's gaze hardened, “Okay kid, enough with the lies or I'll call security.” I knew I definitely didn't fit in with the atmosphere but I didn't think it was that obvious. Also, apparently need to work on my acting skills. “I came here with the boys-” she let out a curt laugh wiping an imaginary tear from her eye, “you're telling me that BTS adopted you, why?” 

Funny, I had been asking myself the same question. 

“Honestly I'm just trying to find the coffee, and if you're really worried I'm not who I say I am then you can supervise me till I get busted.” She raised an eyebrow then tilted her head to one of the corner rooms. “Thank you,” I rushed towards the room, finding a setup of multiple foods and beverages, a coffee stand to the left. Multiple types of coffees, sugars, and creams were laid out in front of me and at the sudden realization, I paled. I had no idea what he wanted in his coffee. Let alone if he liked extra dark roast, light roast or anything in between. My eyes glanced over each of the brews and I decided to pick the caramel dark roast with a little bit of cream and sugar. I winced as I put the lid on the cup, what if he hated it? But could he really be mad at me when all he told me, was to get him a coffee? I carefully picked up the beverage heading back over to the elevator and cautiously watching where I was going so I wouldn't be spilling a hot drink all over someone. Before I could press the up button on the elevator it suddenly beeped open, and I came face to face with a wide-eyed Jungkook. He glanced down at the coffee in my hands and gently took it, bringing it up to his lips and taking a swig. His face contorted in disgust and he prompted to throw the cup into the trash can outside the elevator. 

"Seriously (Y/N), that was disgusting we need to work on your coffee tastes." I shifted my gaze from Jungkook and the trash can, 

"wasn't I suppose to bring that to Bang?" His early words then started to register in my brain, "hey! You can't blame me there were at least ten different types of coffees over there and I didn't know which kind he liked." I pouted while Jungkook chuckled, 

"don't worry about it, Bang doesn't even like coffee." I didn't even try to hide my shocked expression but before I could comment Jungkook was pulling me into the elevator with him. "Only ten coffees, huh must be a slow day." He gave me a cheeky grin just as he pressed the button for floor six. 

"Where are we going now?" I asked out of pure curiosity, "WE have a photoshoot." I raised an eyebrow at the stressed syllable, "We?

#bts #BTS Family #bts save me #bts series #Poly BTS #bts x reader poly #bts poly au #bts ot7 #ot7 x reader #adoption #adopted #Teen Reader #bts x reader #jung jungkook #kim taehyung #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #park jimin

[writeanapocalae]

Nano 2019 Day 19 Writing

Warning for discussions of sex work and assassination though neither violence or sex occur and for stalking

His phone was ringing. Good thing too because he was starting to run out of money from the last job. He set his groceries down in his passenger seat before pulling his phone out of his back pocket and answered it.

“You got a problem?” he breathed into the phone.

“Oh my god, Anson, I’m not going to say your stupid password or whatever it is!” Sangria groaned. She was supposed to ask if he had an answer. It was his code name. He thought it was clever. “Seriously, you have caller ID, you know who’s calling you.”

He lightened his voice. It was still deep and gravelly but it only wouldn’t be if he worked at it and he didn’t want to do that. “What’s up? You never call me.”

“I, uh, I have a favor to ask,” she said, her voice thin with the fact that she was being forced to ask for this.

He went around the car and opened the door, climbing inside. He wasn’t in business mode but something about her nervousness made him think like he may actually have a job. He sat there, not turning on the car, just waiting. He didn’t want anyone to overhear their conversation.

“So there’s this boy.”

Anson groaned, tipping his head back. “Seriously? You made me think you were asking for a ‘favor’ favor. You want to gossip about boys we can meet up at a cafe or something and chat.”

“No! No, it’s serious! This guy, his name is Trevor Alvers, he’s a real piece of work and I need your help in getting rid of him.”

So this was work after all. Anson decided not to interrupt again, he was getting professional whiplash from all this. His right hand stretched, fingers curling, one after another, around the steering wheel. “What information do you have?”

“Uh, he’s like a nineteen year old neck beard that doesn’t understand that ‘no’ applies to him too,” Sangria explained. “Guy came into my DMs like, two months ago? And he asked for the usual bullshit, pics of my feet of my body, prove I am who I am, give him a free lay, that kind of thing. I said no, of course, I have a business to run, and he wouldn’t let up on it. Blocked him, he made a new account, started up again, that sort of thing. Somehow, I guess he figured it out from backgrounds of photos and videos or I wasn’t careful enough and one of my pics had a location on it because the little bastard hunted me down. Now I’ve got a legitimate stalker coming after me and. Well. It’s fucking terrifying.”

“Are you alone?” Anson finally interrupted.

“Yeah, Molly’s dad came by and picked her up, said I was a bad influence and crackwhore and all sorts of nasty stuff too. Good riddance.”

That was a relief at least. He did like Molly and didn’t want her to get hurt just for being nearby. “You’re none of those things. I think he’s a worse influence by far.”

“Yeah, well, tell the courts that. The fact that I don’t walk the streets for work and have always been clean doesn’t matter, apparently. Anyway, I need you to get this guy out of here.”

Anson reached into his closest grocery bag, retrieving a banana. “Seems pretty minor of an offense for a death sentence. Are you sure about this?”

“What? No!” Sangria practically yelled in her surprise. “I don’t mean kill him! I mean get rid of him! You know, just scare him off.”

“Scaring people off isn’t really my forte.”

“Remember the intro sequence to Leon? I mean something like that. Get close to killing him, tell him to leave me alone, and then just leave.”

Yeah, he remembered the scene she was talking about. Very flashy, very violent, very expensive. He was pretty sure that the client would be dead if he tried any of those stunts. He could do something similar though.

“It will cost you.” He tried not to sound distracted as he pinched the phone between his shoulder and his cheek. He started to peel his banana, trying not to get any of the fibers on his gloves. “Are you prepar-

“You owe me!” she interrupted. “Big time! You said so yourself. Please!”

He tilted his head back, thumping it against the headboard behind him. “That was supposed to be for like a ride to the airport or getting you a ride when you drank too much. This is work!”

“Okay then I’ll up the payment. The favor you owe me and I’ll do that thing you like, okay? I’ll give you a full week of service, free of charge.”

That gave him pause. She got a lot of her work at night, understandably, and she was offering him her nights. She must have been really scared.

“Why didn’t you mention this sooner?”

She sighed. She probably shrugged too. “He’s been bugging me this whole time but he only physically arrived a few days ago.”

“And you didn’t go to the police because…?”

“I do sex work. They wouldn’t care if I was being attacked in front of them. They’d just say I was asking for it. Come on! Will you or won’t you?”

“I’ve got to drop off groceries but after that I can swing by and start canvasing the area, see if I can track the guy down. I won’t do anything public, it’s all very discreet. Do you want evidence that I’ve completed the job?”

“Huh? Like what? Do you normally have to get flesh trophies or something for your boss?”

“I usually send a photo.”

“Oh thank god, yes, please, thank you.”

“I’ve never been to your place, you’ll have to give me your address. And, while I’m on the job, if you need to contact me for any reason, you will refer to me as Answer. You will not give this name to your friends or associates. You will not offer my services to your friends or associates. You will never tell anyone how or what I have done to remove your problem, is that understood.”

“Holy shit, you got really serious really fast. Yeah, yeah. I understand,” she replied. “I’ll text you the address, just a minute. And Ansoooower, uh, thanks.”

He hung up. He’d have to pick up some things from his place before making his way to Sangria’s but he could feel himself shifting into work mode. She was lucky that she’d called before he had an actually paying job lines up.

#nano 2019 #anson/answer #sangria #my writing

[fluidityandgiggles]

The Plastics: Phase 2

(Phase 1 - part 1, part 2)

—————

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart!” Roman was looming over the sink, trying his best not to stare at his boyfriend.

His very much shirtless boyfriend.

Roman knew how much Virgil loved his 7-Eleven slurpees. (Part of him liked the fact that his boyfriend was a less-homicidal version of JD.) But sadly, so did Remy. So when Remy told Roman to throw Virgil’s slurpee at him... he couldn’t argue against that.

It was Remy, after all.

But he isn’t going to complain about his boyfriend being shirtless.

“It’s perfectly fine, it was just a slurpee.” Virgil gave Roman a smile that he would never be caught, dead or alive, giving to anyone. “Just... do you have a spare shirt?”

“Do you mind that it’s Wednesday?”

—

Having lunch with the Plastics was like leaving the real world and entering “Popular World”. And Popular World had a lot of rules.

“You can’t wear a tank top two days in a row,” Roman told me. “And we only wear track pants on Fridays.”

Well... let’s consider the issue with the statement. That day, both Remy and Roman were wearing jeans. Remy’s blue, and Roman’s white. Their shirts were pink, though.

And Emile... yeah. He was in a skirt.

“I mean, not just you. Like, any of us. Okay, like, if I was wearing track pants today, I would be sitting over there with the drama kids.” Emile started giggling. “You think this is a joke? Drama club is not a joke.”

“We know, Roman.”

“Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us, because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group.” Understandable. “Well, I mean, you wouldn’t buy clothes without asking your friends first if they look good on you.”

“I wouldn’t?”

“Right. Oh, and it’s the same with guys.” I think this was when Roman’s leg started jumping. “Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.”

And then Roman looked at Virgil. Who was playing with a pair of aviators. Well... if I had to guess...

“A hundred and twenty calories, and forty-eight calories from fat...” So Remy could read labels. Nice. “What percent is that?”

“Forty-eight into one-twenty...?”

“I’m only eating foods with less than 30% calories from fat.”

“It’s 40%.” The confused looks I got from Remy and Roman were... weird. Let’s call them weird. “Well, 48 over 120 equals X over 100, and then you cross-multiply and get the value of X.”

“...whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.”

Sure, Remy. Sure.

As soon as Remy got away, though... Roman started talking. “So, have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?”

“We’re all gay here,” Emile said. I think to himself. I hope to himself.

“Well...” Better be honest. “There’s this guy in my calculus class-”

“Who is it?”

“It’s a senior?” Yes, Roman. It’s a senior.

“His name’s Patton Graham.”

If I had to compare this moment to anything... it would probably be a bomb drop. Roman started a chorus of “no”s, with Emile joining in every now and again.

“Oh no, you can’t like Patton Graham!”

The literal angel descended from heaven to grace this world with his beauty and overall being? Sure. Why? Can you explain why, Roman? Huh? You wanna try an explanation, bitch?

“That’s Remy’s ex-boyfriend.”

Oh.

“They went out for a year.” Thankfully, this was said by Emile. Roman’s voice was starting to annoy me.

“Yeah.” And... we’re back. “And he was devastated when Patton broke up with him last summer.”

“I thought he dumped him for Ollie Hendricks.”

“Okay, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean, that’s just, like... the rules of feminism. Or something.”

I swear I heard Virgil snort.

“Don’t worry. I’ll never tell Remy what you said. It’ll be our little secret.”

I seriously doubted it.

—

“We define the sum of the infinite geometric series...”

Even though I wasn’t allowed to like Patton, I was still allowed to look at him. And think about him. And talk to him.

“Hey, Pat-”

“Hey, you’re the Africa guy, right?” A guy (who, to be fair, looks like a top hat would just fit him perfectly, he’s just that kind of creepy) asked me. As I was going to talk to Patton.

Rude much?

“Yeah.”

“I’m Dorian Pechmann, captain of the North Shore Mathletes. We participate in math challenges against other high schools around the state, and we’re missing a member. You should think about joining.”

“Oh, you’d be perfect for it!” Our teacher - Ms. Torres - jumped in.

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Great, great. Let me give you my card!”

This guy has a card...?

‘Dorian Pechmann - Math Enthusiast/Bad-ass M.C.’

It even includes his phone number. Lovely.

“Okay, so... think it over. Cause we’d like to actually compete this year.”

Okay...

—

Patton actually almost talked to me later that day, if only Remy didn’t pull up near the football field and screamed “get in, loser, we’re going shopping!”

Remy is like the Barbie doll I never had. I’d never seen anybody so glamorous.

“So how do you like North Shore?” Emile asked me in the mall.

“It’s good. I think I’m joining the mathletes.”

And again with the booming chorus of no.

“You cannot do that,” Remy said. Incredibly harsh for a valley girl. “This is social suicide. Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you!”

And then Roman spaced out. And I could see why. Over in the shop we were passing...

There was Virgil.

I was starting to suspect more and more.

Being at Old Orchard Mall kind of reminded me of being home in Africa. By the watering hole. When the animals are in heat.

“Oh my god there’s Jason!”

“Where? ...oh, there he is.”

“And he’s with Taylor Wedell!”

Remember Jason? From the cafeteria? Yeah. The poor person he was now picking up...

Was a girl.

“I heard they’re going out.”

“Wait...” Remy’s smirk grew into a vicious smile. If we can call it that. “Jason’s not going out with Taylor. No. He cannot blow you off like that. He’s such a little skeez. Give me your phone.”

“You’re not gonna call him... right?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“No.”

It took Remy exactly three seconds to dial up a number - how exactly? - and ask for “Wedell on South Boulevard.”

“Caller ID-”

“Not when you connect from Information.” And then, “Hello, may I please speak to Taylor Wedell?”

I swear his voice became more feminine when he said that.

“Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have her test results. If you could have her give me a call as soon as she can. It’s urgent. Thank you!”

And then, “she’s not going out with anyone.”

“Okay,” Roman said, finally smiling. “That was so fetch!”

It took just a couple seconds after that for Taylor Wedell to run away screaming.

—

Remy’s house was bigger than I have ever known a house to be. His step-mom was incredibly plastic-y, like a tv trophy wife or something, and his sister - oh god, his sister! His poor, sweet, innocent preteen sister - was watching MTV.

I honestly don’t think the content was entirely age appropriate.

His step-mom also offered us drinks that could have passed for alcoholic, which was even more worrying for a second.

But his room...

“It was my parents’ room,” Remy told me. “But I made them trade me.”

Bitch...

Even worse, bitch who flaunts around his ex-boyfriends. Like all the pictures of Patton he has hanging on his door.

“Logan, do you even know who sings this?” Remy asked me about the music that was playing on the radio.

“Umm... One Direction?”

“Oh my god, I love him! He’s like a Martian!”

Is that a... compliment...?

“God, my hips are huge!” Emile was checking himself out in the mirror... why?

Is that what friends do...? Gay people as a whole...? What?

“Oh please, I hate my calves.” Something about Roman’s tone sounded incredibly fake.

“At least you guys don’t have huge shoulders.”

I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there’s a lot of things that can be wrong about your body.

And so, after listing about eleven hundred things that are wrong about their bodies, they turned to me. Expected me to talk.

Well... “I have really bad breath in the morning.”

“...ew.”

And then, “Oh my god, I remember this!” Emile was holding a pink album.

‘The Burn Book.’

“I haven’t looked at that in forever! Come check it out, Logan!”

“It’s our Burn Book,” Roman told me. “See, we cut out pictures of people from the yearbook, mostly girls, sometimes also guys, and then we wrote comments.”

“Trang Pak is a grotsky little bitch.” “Still true!”

“Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.” “Still half true!”

“Amber d’Alessio masturbated with a hot dog.”

“Virgil Thompson,” Emile read out. “Stoner.”

Wait, what?

“Who is that?”

“I think it’s that kid Thomas,” Roman said. His voice still sounded... well, off.

“Yeah. He’s almost too gay to function.”

“Ha, that’s funny! Put that in there.”

Oh no. What have I done. Maybe that was only okay when Virgil said it.

—

“And they have this book, this Burn Book, where they write mean things about a lot of people in our grade.”

Virgil looked incredibly enthusiastic. Maybe a bit too much for the situation.

“What does it say about me?”

That you’re a stoner. “You’re not in it.”

“Those assholes.” He seemed to enjoy it far too much.

“Will this minimize my pores?” Thomas was holding a tube of... whatever cream that was.

“No. Logan, you gotta steal that book.”

“No way!”

“Oh, come on! We could publish it and then everybody would see what a dick he really is!”

“I don’t steal.”

“That is for your feet!” Virgil literally snatched the new cream from Thomas’ hands the second he brought it up. “Logan, there are two kinds of evil people. People who do evil stuff, and people who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it.”

“Does that mean I’m morally obligated to burn that lady’s outfit?”

Thomas really shouldn’t have said that, probably.

“Oh my god, that’s Ms. Torres.”

“I love seeing teachers outside of school! It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs!”

“Oh, hey, guys,” Ms. Torres called as she came to the counter. “What’s up? I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling.”

“You shopping?”

“No, no. I’m just here with my boyfriend.” Yeah... literally the only other customer in the shop. “Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes.”

“My nana takes her wig off when she’s drunk.”

“Your nana and I have that in common,” she deadpanned. “No, actually I’m just here because I bartend a couple nights a week down at P.J. Calamity’s. Logan, I hope you do join Mathletes, you know. Because we start in a couple weeks.”

“I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Great!”

“You can’t join Mathletes, it’s social suicide!” Thomas rushed to say.

“Thanks, Thomas.” And then, “well... this has been sufficiently awkward. And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Oh man, that is bleak,” Virgil sighed when Ms. Torres left. “So, when are you gonna see Remy again?”

“I can’t spy on him anymore. It’s weird.”

“Come on, he’s never gonna find out! It’s just... it’ll be like our little secret!”

Okay then...

—————

Tag list:

@broadwaytheanimatedseries @anony-phangirl @itsthemoooooooooon @whatwashernameagain @illmamnim @anotherfanboyonline @illogical-anxieties @allsortsofgeekery @ask-m423 @samwantstobereal @creepy-crawly-death-dealer @nepturanus-thy-planet @impatentpending @pheo742 @the-randomest-ofthe-fandomest @fanderily @tripleaaace @jokesequaljoker

#kylo cant write #sanders sides #mean girls au #logan sanders #virgil sanders #thomas sanders #roman sanders #remy/sleep #emile picani #patton sanders #logicality #prinxiety #remile #deceit sanders #valerie

[burgeonmeraki]

20 Random Things You Don’t Know About Me

Hi guys! I thought I would do something a little fun, humiliating (LOL), and different on my blog today and share 20 things you might not know about me. I get it. As a reader, I, too, love learning a bit more about the people I read. So here goes!

1. I have this weird habit where I want my feet warm especially at night before I go to sleep. I usually put some lotion on it and then put my socks on. And if there are no socks, I put a pillow under my feet, like I'm a mermaid LOL. Weird, I know! But it prevents me from having leg cramps in the morning. 

That is my trophy for the singing contest. This picture was taken 2010, and I couldn’t find my trophy anymore so deal with that picture. Just kiddin’ 

2. I won first place at a singing contest at a talent show back when I was in kindergarten. I sang this 90s hit song My Heart Will Go On By Celine Dion. And I believe that if my parents put me or enrolled me in a voice lesson, girl, I could've been a singer today, and I might be joining singing contest like The Voice. But I only do the singing thing at the shower and karaoke. Hahaha

Left Pic: My oldest brother wasn’t there because he was working abroad Right Pic: My oldest sister is living in Canada, and my older brother is living in South Korea. My mom was holding her phone because that's them on the videocall.

3. I was supposed to have six siblings so that would make us a total of seven. I had an oldest sister, supposed to be the second child, who died because of some complications in her heart when she was still a newborn. Next is my Ate Jaz, which makes her my oldest sister alive. Then after Ate Jaz, my mom had a miscarriage. Basically, my Ate was in between two dead babies. And if ever my two siblings were alive today, I might not be here or I probably don't exist. I have such a huge age gap with my siblings because my mom had me at the age of 38, and she said that I was her only child who made her pregnancy and giving birth so hard. I was born via C-Section and the rest of my siblings were all delivered normal. So, lucky me for being here! LOL

My collection of Candy Magazine back in High School.

4.  Back in High School, I used to collect Candy Magazine until first-year college. This magazine helped me with all my teenage issues like self-esteem, body image, peer pressure, beauty, fashion, dating, friendship, career, etc. They have a bunch of articles there that I enjoyed reading. And I've always wanted to be one of their models, but I was an ugly duckling, and I'm not the confident type of girl back then. I still kept these magazines inside my sentimental box. 

This is my box full of photos, letters, diaries, and other stuff.

5. Speaking of the sentimental box, I'm a very sentimental person. I have boxes of stuff from my friends, family, and ex-boyfriends. I kept this stuff for good memories purposes because I like reminiscing good memories. It reminds me of these real moments that I was once shared with these people, and it's like my return ticket to that memories, whether it's funny, romantic, or sad. Plus good times need to be remembered. They need to celebrate and felt. You know, we're not getting any younger anymore, time will come that a part of our brain might forget those memories. So keeping pictures, letters, and diaries is one way to keep those memories alive.

These are my IDs from the Youth Camp Fellowship.

6. I used to be active in Church back when I was in High School. I even joined the Music Ministry and tried to learn how to play the piano. I went to a few Youth Camp Fellowship and met a lot of people, and it was fun. The reason why I became so active in Church because I had a crush on our drummer guy (he’s my first kiss). Yuck! LOL

Love Me Like You Do By Ellie Goulding (Short Clip) / Stay By Rihanna (Cover)

7. As I was saying on number 6, I used to play the piano before. They made us choose a musical instrument that we want to play, and I was supposedly gonna go for drums because it's cool, plus I used to listen to a lot of rock bands back then, but I didn't choose it because my crush is going to be the one who's going to teach us, and I was shy, so I end up with piano. I actually tried learning how to play the guitar but you got to have callouses on your fingers in order to play it well because it freaking hurts girl! Hehe

8. Okay, let's talk about Puppy Love. When I was in grade school, I have a crush on this guy who's like 3 years older than me, and he's our neighbor. When I got into 6th grade, he started noticing me, and we became, I don't know, together? Like boyfriend and girlfriend? Haha. But since I'm a shy type kind of girl, I was having a hard time talking to him without blushing, I couldn't even let him hold my hands, or hug me, or kiss me. None of that happened. So we write letters to each other (cellphone is not a thing at that time). I know it's all cheesy and mushy and all, but anyways. I asked my niece to be our messenger haha. So I will give the letter to her, and she will give it to him, and then vice versa. Okay, so this is the funny part!! My niece left my goddamn letter for him at our dining table! And my sister and brother read the whole thing. I was so annoyed at my niece. My siblings were like mad at me for having a boyfriend at such a young age because you know, I'm their little sister, and little sissy is not allowed to have a boyfriend LOL. And then they threatened me that they're going to tell it to my mom, so I broke up with him after a week using a letter haha. We kept in touch til I got into High School. I think we went out before, we watch a movie but I brought a chaperone with me. HAHA we didn’t end up together because he’s such a playboy. FYI: I don't count him as my ex-boyfriend. LOL

9. I had a puppy named Mocha because she’s dark brown and it suits her. She’s a shih tzu and she’s the cutest puppy in the world but she died because she got sick. I miss her so much! :(

Snorkeling at Coron, Palawan.

10. I love going to the beach. I love swimming! My mom’s sister owns a beach resort and it was just an hour away from our place. We always go there every summer, and that’s where I learned how to swim, not in the swimming pool, but in the ocean. I was supposedly going to be a swimmer. My 4th grade teacher trained me, and he trained other students in other sports like badminton and volleyball, and they joined sports competition, and they win medals. So I got very interested because I want to win medals too. So I did my training but I was having a hard time to dive. I know I'm doing it wrong because the water kept going inside my nose and it freaking hurts. So I stopped and quit the training because I couldn't do it properly. Haha

I think I was in 3rd Grade in here. Lol

11. I joined Girl Scout back in grade school. I can't remember why I joined. All I know is I am going to have a lot of fun in here. And that was my first camping experience. We camped out at our school, and yeah, it was fun and scary at the same time because there are lots of ghost stories in our school. Our motto: "Girl Scouts are always ready and prepared.” 

I also joined Drum & Bugle. I was a Majorette, the one who throws the baton in the air and twirls it. I just love to dance back then, and nope, I'm not a professional dancer. It's just that life is better when you dance! :)

Junior Year High School. Cheer Dance Competition during our Intramurals Day. 

12. When I got into High School, I've always wanted to join Cheer Dance Competition since I was in my freshman year. But most of the girls in my school back then were all pretty and mean. I only joined when I was in my junior year, and we won 2nd place. I'm really not a good dancer, but I know I've got moves. I just don't know what happened today LOL. I'm one of those girls who they always lift and toss because obviously in the picture I'm thin as a rake haha. Then I tried joining again in College, and I got into an accident. I freaking fell flat on my back while we're doing our pyramid stunt and no one's there to catch me. Ouchie! I'm on the second level, standing on my right leg at this guy's shoulder, and then my left leg was angled and lifted because on the third level, a girl's going to stand on my left thigh. She was scared and not keeping her balance well so she dragged me backward with her. Someone caught her and none for me because the way I go down the pyramid is by jumping in front. Our coach didn't see that coming and I thought I am gonna go home with broken hips.

Left to Right: Elementary Graduation Day; Sophomore Year in College; Junior Year - wearing retainer; Retainer and Braces Free 

13. I first had my braces when I was in 6th grade because my sister got one, so I want one too LOL. I had it for a very long time. Since I got it at such a young age, my teeth were not complete yet. And based on my x-ray, I've got several impacted wisdom tooth that's going to come out so my doctor waited for it. I only got it removed when I was in my 3rd-year college. So I had my braces for 7 years. HAHA

14. I can’t whistle. I tried. I don’t know how to. I can’t do it. PERIOD

Cupcake Nail Art, Cheetah Print Nail Art, Polka Dots Nail Art

15. I love doing my nail art from when I was in High School to College. I don't like my nails plain and simple back then, so I put a design on it and make it fun. I'm always into art and being creative. Creativity is inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun. So my parents saw that potential in me, and they made me choose Architecture as my profession.

These are my high school arts that I saw on my facebook LOL.

Circa 2015. Photographed By: Iks Virina

16. I'm not a morning person. I hate waking up so early. I only wake up so early if I have important errands to run or if I have to go to work. I love sleeping during the day and staying up during the night. I'm a night owl. There's something about being up at night that makes it more peaceful to work and think. Most of my creative juices come out during the night. And I've read that night owls have better mental alertness than early risers. I don't need caffeine to keep me up at night. LOL

Circa 2015. Photographed By: Iks Virina

17. I'm not a coffee person. Don't get me wrong, I love the smell of coffee. It's just that the coffee doesn't like me at all. Every time I drink coffee, especially those with high caffeine like espresso, I end up palpitating and having heartburn. I can drink it but not too much, and sometimes I preferred Frappuccino. I'm more of a tea person. I love chamomile and red berries flavors.

FEU I.D. vs BPSU I.D.

18. I went to two schools back in College. When I was in my senior year in High School, I didn't really plan my college life. I have no idea what school I am going to attend. I only know was my mom wants me to take up Architecture even though I don't want to. So yeah, I end up going to Far Eastern University for 2 years. Then, my Dad, he was working abroad in Libya, and there was a war at that time in the Middle East. So they had to go home and stopped working. We have no income, we had financial issues, and that's when I decided to return home and study in my hometown, get a scholarship because I have no choice. I was in college for 6 years, supposedly 5 years only but I had to retake some of my subjects that I already took up in my previous school because the school didn't credit it.

Back in 2015, I tried to dress up like Blair Waldorf. She loves wearing headband hehe

19. My favorite show of all time is Gossip Girl. It's like the first rated r tv shows that I really got hooked up and fall in love with. It's the reason why I've always wanted to go to New York. I have watched this already a few times, and it doesn't get old. I love Serena Van Der Woodsen (Blake Lively), her style, and the way she carries her clothes. She's this free-spirited, charming, nice, laidback IT GIRL. And then Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) aside from her classy, preppy style, I like her domineering and loyal personality. Plus her romantic on and off love affair with Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick). But my biggest crush on this show is Nate Archibald (Chace Crawford), oh god I love his eyes, it's so sexy! HAHA

Sandbox Adventure at Pampanga; Bike Trailing and Wakeboarding at Nuvali, Laguna; and Skimboarding at Boracay

20. I love some good adventure. I have this bucket list of things to do before I die, and I want to fulfill that. Like traveling the whole world, plus I want to go skydiving or bungee jumping. Aside from that, you're just not creating memories, you're also trying new things. And I'm always up for trying new things, and I like challenging myself sometimes. Life is boring if you don't at least try or go out of your comfort zone. Just try new things once in a while, and don't be afraid to soar high.

What’s something random about you? And if you make a post, share it below. Thank you so much for dropping by!

Love Lots, Jamie

#lifestyle

[exhoseokrk-blog]

where the heart is.

[ tw: depression/sad thoughts ]

⏪ REWIND - SEPTEMBER 30th, 2017

For some reason, Hoseok kept forgetting that he actually won the talent show. Once everything was quiet and he had a few moments to think, he would feel that familiar sense of failure engulf him again. It felt like another loss, and he kept feeling as though he should just give up because he was obviously never going to make it. Then, it would dawn on him that he has a trophy in Dawon's living room and a Nova business card sitting on the counter right next to the trash bin. It was selfish of him, he thought, that he wasn't going to take advantage of this opportunity. Still... he didn't ask for them to make him win. He thought he was only doing it for fun, after all. According to Hoseok, he didn't do anything worthy of winning, and he was sure that tons of people who didn't come out of the show with a victory would be able to agree with him. There were so many others that deserved it more... which just left him wondering why he received it in the end. What was their reasoning?

What twisted point-of-view were they watching from? Did they only give him a place as one of the winners because he made the terrible mistake of unzipping his jacket? It was clear that his vocal nor dancing abilities outweighed a lot of the others, so he convinced himself that they rewarded him for something as shallow as his appearance. A few months ago, during the Samsung commercial audition, he would have been overjoyed to win for what he looked like, but now? No. Being a model for his appearance made sense, but being an idol for that alone did not. He felt like it was cheating. Then again, maybe they did like his performance so much but, in his mind, it wasn't possible. Just knowing that he felt that way also told him that it would be a horrible mistake for him to try becoming a trainee right now.

He was sitting on the bed that he slept in every night, holding his knees against his chest as Meeko napped on the mattress in front of him. He had his cheek pressed against his legs as he tightly hugged himself, hoping that it would do something to keep him together. The truth is that he's slowly wearing away. He's just a fragment of the boy he was when he first arrived in Seoul, and despite the fact that he says this place is now his home, it sure has done an awfully great job of shattering who he was. Maybe it's his home because there's nowhere left for him, after what it's turned him into. The talent show was supposed to help his confidence and he said that he was doing it for himself... he said that no matter what the outcome was, he wasn't going to hate himself... but he never expected to win. He only said those things because he envisioned himself losing and he didn't want it to break his spirit.

He thought it was his first step at building himself back up, now he's discovering that it was the worst thing that could have happened to him. So many people would probably kill for the spot he was in, and he wishes that he could hand it right over to one of them. They likely would be more deserving and ready for it than he is, anyway. Why didn't they pick Kihyun? Why... So many questions left unanswered and it made his stomach churn. He didn't even know what his dream was anymore if this wasn't something that he was quickly jumping at. Where should he go? What should he do? Why did simply existing feel so daunting? 

He really wanted to open up to someone and to share what all of this was doing to him. More than anything, he wished that someone was here with him, holding him in their arms, stroking his hair and softly listening to all of his struggles. He was scared to let anyone that close, however, and even if he was willing to invite them inside, he didn't know how interested anyone would be on taking him up on the offer. He felt lonely. Not alone, because he knew that Kihyun was a phone call away and Dawon was a text away, but... that wasn't always enough. 

He felt trapped and he wanted someone to be patient with him and to show him a little love and affection. Would he ever have something like that? It made him feel a little nauseous just wondering. It was then that his phone started buzzing, which caused the snoozing pup to stir a little until he walked closer, nuzzling against Hoseok's side. He released his legs and stretched them out, picking up Meeko with one hand and placing him on his lap as he examined the caller ID. A moment later, he was sliding his thumb over the screen and lifting it to his ear, inhaling deeply and letting it out in a sigh.

"Hello?"

"Hoseok? I saw you on TV today! You won! I'm so proud of you, my sweet son, I've always believed in you."

"Ah... yes. Thank you, I love you. I... wish that I felt better about it."

There was a pause and everything was briefly silent as he closed his eyes, absentmindedly petting the dog in his lap.

"You're unhappy?"

He felt his throat grow tight and he nodded, though he remembers she couldn't see him. After a moment, he cleared his throat and tried to speak in a way that his words would come out steady, though he had a good feeling that he was going to fail. "Yeah. Yeah, mom, I'm not... I'm not doing too good."

"What's wrong? I know that we haven’t talked as much recently, but please know that I'm always here for you, Hoseok. I love you more than anything and I miss you every day, but I know that you're chasing your dream and I would never want to get in the way of that. But if something is bothering you... you can turn to me, I am your mother."

"I know, I know. It's my fault that we don't talk, I just always think that I'll call you once I have some good news, but I never feel like anything is good. I don't want to disappoint you." His words were nearly whispered and his chewed on his lower lip in an attempt to stop himself from nearly crying, though the tears started falling regardless.

"You could never disappoint me. You make me so proud. You have the kindest heart and all you want to do is give, give, give, but you're allowed to do things for yourself, too. You have to make sure that you're healthy and happy as well because it isn't fair that you always sacrifice whatever possible to please others. The reason you went to Seoul was so that you would quit doing that, don't tell me you've fallen back into your old ways..."

"No, I... I mean... I don't know. I never talk about anything that's on my mind because I'm scared of bringing someone else down. I'm afraid of being afraid. I feel like I always have to be strong..." He paused for a long time, finally breaking the silence with a softly spoken, "I got an audition."

"What?"

"Nova entertainment gave me a card. I don't technically have one because I didn't schedule one, but I could... I'm not, though."

"You're not? Why? Isn't that your dream?"

"I don't know what my dream is anymore. To be happy, I guess... I'm so sad all of the time. I isolate myself, too. I wish I was there with you instead of here all by myself. I miss hugs and comfort... I feel so far away from everyone, even when they're standing right in front of my face. I thought that I would do well here because of my confidence, but I don't really have that anymore. I feel worthless, like nothing I could ever do would be good enough. I feel suspicious of Nova for giving me an audition and I think that proves that I'm not ready. I'm not mentally well, mom. I don't know what I can do to feel better. I want to come home."

"Seoul is your home now."

"No, I mean that I want to be with you. I miss you and I miss Hyunseok and Jungsook. It's been almost a year, I just need to see you, please. I feel so trapped. I think I'm going to go crazy."

"Okay. But you need to open up to someone, Hoseok. Someone that can help you. I'll do what I can, but I'm so far away most of the time. I know you have friends because anyone would be crazy not to be your friend, so you can't keep hiding from them. Let them support you. For now, if you want, you can come support me. I didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you, but I've been sick these last few days. Nothing serious, so don't get too worried... but you can come for a few weeks to help take care of me. I think that would make you feel a little better... just so you can see that you do help me. I know that you probably think you don't right now, but that isn't true. This can give you proof, though... And I'll give you those hugs and comfort that you were talking about. Do you have money to pay for a way back?"

A small smile formed as he wiped at the tears on his cheeks and sniffled. Once again, he nodded though he soon remembered that she couldn't see him again. "I can figure something out, yeah. I have a job now. A real one, not just a cashier at 7-eleven. I've been working at a music store. I really love it there, but the owners really like me, so I don't think it will be too hard to get some time off."

"You always have loved music. I have to imagine that's a lot better for you than your previous jobs. I'm glad that you're doing well for yourself, Hoseok. I don't want you to ever give up on anything like I did."

"I... I'll try not to. For now, I just need some help. I'm not ready for any big, life-changing decisions. Especially not when they could make me feel worse. I just need to remember who I am. I feel like I'm not important at all. I really feel like... if I disappeared... no one would care too much."

"That's nonsense, Hoseok, and you know it. You have more people than you realize that would care so much. So, no disappearing on any of us, understand?"

"Yeah, I know, I won't. I'm... I'm glad that you called, mom. I miss you more than I knew. I wish I was still making meals for you when you were coming home from work or watching dramas with you when your days were rougher than usual... I'm just glad that I'll get to see you again soon, even if it's just for a little while. Something is better than nothing."

"I miss you, too. Just let me know when you'll be coming, okay? I'll have to make sure that the place is clean, otherwise, you might try to spend all of your time tidying it up for me." She let out a warm laugh which caused Hoseok to chuckle a little, too.

"You were always so tired, I didn't like you having to do extra work once you got home. I'm sorry I'm still not there to help you."

"Don't apologize for that, Hoseok. I don't have anyone to look out for but myself these days, I'm handling it well. While I take care of myself, you should do the same. You deserve to focus on fewer people to pick up after and fewer people to feed. You're still young, you should be allowed to act like it."

"I guess... That's still something I'm trying to learn."

"You will soon enough. I would hope so, anyway. But, you should get some rest. Especially if you have to work in the morning. You can call me whenever you'd like, so you don't have to feel like this is goodbye. You can even call me every night if you want. I like hearing from you."

"I'll try to do better. I'll definitely talk to you soon, mom. I love you."

"I love you, too."

#; solo. #; where the heart is. #tw: depression #wc: 2119

[torentialtribute]

Andy Robertson: ‘I worked really hard to get to where I am today’

Andy Robertson is irritated. Polluted with his own personal saga framed by folk on the outside looking in. I wanted to straighten the story.

& # 39; I know when I don't know what to do, people say I am a Cinderella man that it is a compliment.

Andy Robertson has risen from the lower competitions of Scotland to a second Champions League final "

Andy Robertson has risen from the lower divisions of Scotland to a second Champions League final [&#39;Iappreciatethisbecauseitisnotentirelyhonestthatitisnotthatitisnottrue

& # 39; waved wands in my direction, I did not win any kind of lottery to one of the biggest clubs in the world.

& # 39; The reason why I am a Liverpool player is the same reason why I am the captain from my country: I have finished my b ******* to get to where I am, and by doing so I have been able to get the most out of whatever talent I have. & # 39; Sportsmail reported yesterday that Robertson wanted to lift the Champions League trophy on Saturday night to cover up the pain of missing the past season.

But on the Players & Tribune website, Robertson writes his own story about a broken heart and redemption.

<img id = "i-dc605cba0c8323a3" src = "https://dailym.ai/2J2OwKp /30/00/14126086-0-image-m-52_1559173613441.jpg "height =" 586 "width =" 634 "alt =" Robertson wants to lift the trophy on Saturday to make the pain of missing the previous season dull the trophy on Saturday to cover up the pain of missing the past season "

Robertson wants to lift the trophy on Saturday to make the pain of missing the previous season dull

To have given a final season to sweep away an amateur with Queen & # 39; s Park, earn six pounds a night and do odd jobs to make ends meet.

Or he made Something happens to himself, otherwise he must run away from the game.

Sometimes moving, sometimes downright hilarious, never more than his retelling of surrendering the whole field on his first trip to Melwood, Robertson & # 39; s story it deserves to be heard. Straight from the mouth of the full back, as it were.

Again stressing his lack of patience when he heard that he had a lucky break from the lower divisions of Scotland to a second consecutive Champions League final, the 25-year-old asked: & # 39; Why does this up to it?

& # 39; In fact, it doesn't matter to me as an individual. It probably doesn't matter to my family either.

The defender went from a £ 6 per night amateur in Queen's Park to the opposite Lionel Messi from a £ 6- per night-amateur in Queen's Park to opposite Lionel Messi "

The defender went from a £ 6-per-night amateur in Queen & # 39; s Park to opposite Lionel Messi

& # 39; It only matters because God knows how many little Andy Robertsons are there – children struggling to convince people that their talent deserves a chance.

& # 39; I have, I, you, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, never wanted to be a poster, but if I were to be a poster for everything, this should be this – if you do not give up, and if you continue to believe in yourself when others doubt you, it can make You can show that you are good enough.

& # 39; Now I have two children of my own, who b message is more important than ever.

& # 39; I want them to understand that whatever potential they have, they can only be fulfilled if they set their sights on it. Fairytales? Those are bedtime things. & # 39; We all know the bare bones of Robertson's background story. Issued by Celtic, the club he had worshiped, at the age of 15.

A leader in Barcelona, ​​in a fashion way, he feels like a Liverpool player a side that Barcelona dramatically conquered, he feels like a player in Liverpool "

A leader in a side that dramatically conquered Barcelona, ​​he feels like to the player of Liverpool

Earlier, however, "The pain of that rejection is only spoken of in almost general terms. No more.

& # 39; Mom hated seeing us cry & # 39;" he writes. & # 39; But she saw me shed more than a few tears that day.

& # 39; It was midweek, it was taken to curry my favorite place to cheer me up. Also, I almost never I couldn't even eat much of it, so she knew how much I hurt.

& # 39; n try it again in Queen & # 39; s Park in 2010. & # 39; A bit of a smaller club in Glasgow, to say the least. Life there was different. I was making six pounds a night. It was a working class club and most players came from jobs they worked during the day. It was no different for me.

& # 39; I did all kinds of odd jobs to scrape by. I started with landscape concerts, I cleaned it up after the first team and I even worked in Hampden Park during competitions in Scotland.

& # 39; My parents told me that I wasn't starting to find my game that year, it would probably be best to look at Uni options. So I stopped everything I got better every day.

& # 39; That was real work, real pressure. People always ask me about the pressure to play for Liverpool. And it's there, believe me, I feel it. But there is that pressure, and then there is the pressure to play for your life – knowing that if you can't figure it out, you have to give up everything you love. That is the heaviest pressure I have ever felt.

& # 39; And in that situation I really started to believe in myself – maybe for the first time in my life. I didn't really have a different choice. & # 39; The move to Dundee United was more than deserved, so also the jump to Hull City in 2014. And then …

& # 39; When I was busy modeling and emptying the trash cans, I thought not that I ever

& # 39; It's funny, actually … a few clubs called when I was in the pre-season with Hull in 2017, but I

& # 39; My Missus was pregnant, and we were in the process of getting everything ready for our big arrival – that was our top priority, like any prospective parent.

] & # 39; Then I heard that Liverpool wanted me. Liverpool. If you hear Liverpool that you want, call your agent back in about five seconds. I could not sign the contract soon enough to be honest.

& # 39; However, I quickly got a dose of reality. The medical treatment lasted two days and it was brutal.

& # 39; My diet was weird because the medical staff had so many tests to make sure I was fit and would stay fit. After I passed those tests, I had to go to Melwood to perform the lactate test.

& # 39; I was walking with Danny Ings and after a few laps around the field I felt something going on with my stomach. I knew things would be bad, but what can you do? I just kept running.

& # 39; A few minutes later, I am on my knees and puke my guts on the field of Melwood. This holy ground. This place where all these legends have trained. King Kenny. Rushie. Stevie Gerrard

& # 39; And here I am, some small boy from Glasgow, jumping up for the medical staff of Liverpool

& # 39; When the first appearances count, God knows what they thought about me

& # 39; The next day I met the manager and I heard his smile from a mile away. I have clearly heard of my test.

& # 39; I turn around and he walks towards me, rubs his belly and points at me. The staff behind him are also smiling.

& # 39; Then he gave me a big hug. Then I relaxed a bit.

& # 39; The whole team made me feel welcome that week, but to be honest it took a long time before it started. I was a Liverpool player.

I wore the red shirt. I wore the club training suit everywhere we went. I wore it all over the house. But I still didn't feel like a Liverpool player. & # 39; Inevitably Robertson just worked harder and harder until Jurgen Klopp placed him on the team. Until it became indispensable

A leader in a side that overcame Barcelona in the most dramatic way, he now feels like a Liverpool player. One that aimed to overthrow Tottenham in Madrid on Saturday night. He added: & # 39; It is not lost to any of us what this means.

& # 39; But for me it's also a chance to step back and see the full picture.

From being released by Celtic and sobbing over my curry, to grinding six pounds a night in Scotland, drawing for Liverpool and putting on that red tracksuit, hardly believe in it

& # 39; It feels good to crack again. The most important thing is our destiny in our hands. We know that.

& # 39; And if there is one thing I can guarantee about this team, about this group of players, then it is that we stop for nothing to try to make the dream of our supporters come true.

& # 39; If that doesn't happen, it won't be a fairy tale. It's because we deserve it. & # 39;

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#Andy Robertson: ‘I worked really hard to get to where I am today’"

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[torentialtribute]

England spinner Shaun Udal on shock Parkinson’s diagnosis at 50 that’s changed his life 

Shaun Udal avoids emotion as he talks about the news that has changed his life.

'It's not the end of the world yet, it's certainly not a death sentence, "says the former Hampshire, Middlesex and England off-spinner.

" It might take 10 years to kick in properly but it will be at some stage a deterioration and I will have to manage it when it happens.

Shaun Udal suspected there was something wrong for some time before the diagnosis

Udal, pictured here in 2006 with Andrew Flintoff, received the news on his 50th birthday

"I'm just having to adopt the old sportsman's motto or taking each day as it comes."

[1 9459002] It is Udal's way of dealing with the diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease earlier this year that he made public on Twitter earlier this month.

"My first reaction was very shocked," Udal confesses. 'How do you react to something like that? You don't know what to do because it's such a bolt from the blue. I'd been so active for 20-odd years playing cricket and was quite a light-hearted character.

'I tried not to be dragged down by the news but it's difficult. You can try not to be down in the dumps but that's easy to say when you're not the one who's actually got it.

'When my mind is distracted I'm fine so that's why I'm trying to keep busy. It's times when I'm driving in my car that my mind will wander a bit. What's going to happen next week? Or the week after? It's the unknown.

'When is it going to kick in and how bad is it going to be? But you can't get too down about it. Udal may have been shocked at the diagnosis but he was not totally surprised because he had suspected something was wrong with him for some time.

"I had a neck operation about three and a half years ago courtesy of the Professional Cricketers" Association and it was fantastic of them to help out, "he says. "The vertebrae had basically shattered so they took that out and put a plastic one in just a few weeks after I started to develop a shaking in my arm.

The former England off-spinner treats the illess as a sportsman does , one day at a time

'My fingers were very good, my right hand side was straining a bit and my speech was a little slurred. I was moody and miserable, down in the dumps and just didn't feel myself and just didn't feel right. So I went back for more tests.

'They told me it could be the vertebrae pushing on my nervous system making me shake but I knew that wasn't right. Nobody knows your body like you do so I kept pushing and pushing until I had electrolysis treatment to see reaction speeds and all that stuff and the results came back 'in the realms of acceptability' which meant there was something wrong but they didn't know what it was.

'I didn't feel right and in January I was at the office and had a blackout, fell down the stairs and was unconscious for a while. I was found in a mess by one of the staff and was tasks to hospital in an ambulance in a neck brace.

'They did a brain scan and six weeks later I got the results saying there were signs of Parkinson's . They came in the post. "

The news came as Udal was celebrating his 50th birthday and, with the cruelest of ironies, at a time when life had been looking up after what he admits was a difficult transition from playing "to the real world."

"I had a tough time for a couple of years after I retired, emotionally, physically, mentally," he says. "The transition was hard and because I'd played so long it was harder.

" I invested in my business while I was still playing so I knew I'd have something to do but it was still the shock or no dressing room, no lads' nights out, no fun.

Udal admits that the found life after professional cricket a struggle to adapt to

'That dressing room was what I missed most and the thrill of winning a game and taking a wicket. The thrill of a cup final and the excitement of playing cricket for a living. It was always my dream to play professionally and I did it and then it was my dream to play for my country and I did that, too.

'To reach those pinnacles and then come back to the real world at 41 was a real shock to me and my wife and children because I didn't react very well. My routine was broken and I thought, "what am I going to do now?" On September 30 I was a professional cricketer and on October 1, I was unemployed.

'But I've been much more settled in recent times with my clothing business and the PCA have been great in giving me games for their Masters. It is nice to be involved with them but that will probably stop now because of the Parkinson's. "

What has cheered Udal has been the reaction of the cricketing community since the public went.

" It was very heartwarming and gave me a great pick me up, "he says. "To see the reaction not just from the likes of Shane Warne, KP, Goughie, Andrew Strauss and Michael Clarke, who have all been in touch, but supporters and people throughout cricket.

" I wasn't expecting that at all and I'm very grateful. It certainly picked me up a bit because I was quite low for a few weeks after being diagnosed. I still have good and bad days, don't get me wrong, and I've had a couple of bad ones this week but at the end of the day I've got it so I've got to try and cope and get Udal, of course, has been a big figure in that cricket community for three decades. on with it as best I can. ”

A spinner good enough to take more than 800 first-class wickets, he made a belated Test debut aged 36 against Pakistan in 2005 and went on to play a key part in 'the ring of fire' win against India in Mumbai with four for 14 the following year.

The 50-year-old has been delighted by the reaction of the cricketing community

"Mumbai was really special," he remembers. "To have Sachin Tendulkar, the best player in the world, catching at bat was an absolute dream as an off-spinner.

" Then there was MS Dhoni. He hit me up in the air and Monty Panesar didn't get anywhere near it. He was looking at Jimmy Anderson but he was yards away. Then he blamed the sun but the glare was in the other direction. I was seething inside but couldn't show it. Then Dhoni did the same thing two balls later and Monty, bless him, made up for it. "

But it is as a man of Hampshire that Udal is best remembered and he was at Lord's on Saturday commenting for the BBC on their Royal London Cup final defeat by Somerset.

'I was the first Hampshire born and bred captain to win a trophy for the club in 2005 and that's one of the things I'm most proud of, "he says.

" The transformation at the club has been gigantic. In 2001, the first year of the new ground, we were changing into little pods by the side of the pavilion. Then it grew to the point where we got international status. Then the hotel and golf course came along and it won't stop there. It would be the pinnacle for Rod Bransgrove to get an Ashes Test and I think he and the club deserve it. I know I'm biased but I think they've got it spot on. "

Udal recalled one of his career as dismissing Sachin Tendulkar in Mumbai

Hampshire, as you would expect, are standing alongside their stable now with the whole of the cricketing world.

'It's still very much as you were with my life and I'm busy trying to make my business an ongoing success because I want to hand it down to my son one day. And we want to build it up for when the day comes that it's not as easy for me as it once was. For now I can only say thank you to all those who have sent me messages and offered to help, even those I barely know.

'I was at a Middlesex event the other day and John Emburey and Clive Radley took me to one side and said if there was anything they could help me with just shout. So many people have been like that and they all seem to genuinely mean it. It's humbling. "

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#England spinner Shaun Udal on shock Parkinson’s diagnosis at 50 that’s changed his life "