#he’s ALONE. he’s tired and sad and ALONE | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tommydarlings · 12 hours

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take what’s yours and leave | t.w

pairing: toto wolff x reader

warnings: none

w/c: 0.8k

summary: after having another one of your infamous arguments with toto, you can’t take it anymore and tell him to take what’s his and leave, but you didn’t think that he would take your order that serious.

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You were fighting with toto… again.

The two of you were fighting regularly, always raising voices and walking away from each other and then back into each others arms again, this time it was different though.

He rolled the sleeves of his white dress shirt up and scoffed after you finished scolding him like a child, rolling his eyes at your behaviour, “Y/n, my love-”

“Don’t 'my love' me now, toto! I told you so many times already that you should give me a call or send me a quick message if you have to stay longer at the office at Mercedes! But every single damn time you just 'forget it' and let me sit here at home all alone and annoyed!” You spat up at the tall austrian.

Toto sighed and put his hands on his hips as he looked down at your angry figure, “I know, I know and I’m s-”

“Yeah, yeah you’re sorry, I know… I’ve heard this words a lot from you lately, toto,” you shook your head with a scoff, taking a few steps back from him, “I’m fucking tired of it, toto, I really am… you’re a grown man and you can’t manage to save some hours of your day for me…that’s sad if you ask me,” you shrugged.

Your older boyfriend ran his hands over his face, brushing his shirt hair back in the process, “baby, I know how fed up you are, but-”

“Then why do you keep-”

“Let me finish my sentence for once, okay?” He raised his voice a bit, making you gulp and look at the floor before he continued,

“But work is also very important to me, which doesn’t mean that you’re not important to me! Or that you’re less important! But I have responsibilities, my love, lots of tiring responsibilities that I need to take care of,” he told you in a calmer tone.

You cleared your throat and looked back up at him, “Then don’t be in a relationship if you’re work is exhausting,” you said angrily, still not being able to calm down.

Toto rolled his eyes and briefly let his head hung low at your comment, “You’re lack of understanding my work life is really unbelievable, isn’t it?” He looked at you from across the kitchen.

You chuckled and bit your lip, “my lack of understanding your work life?” You shook your head, “oh you got some balls, baby! I think your lack of acknowledging our relationship and the fact that you have something — or actually, someone, besides your stupid work life is unbelievably! No, it’s embarrassing!” You raised your voice as well and kept eye contact with your tall boyfriend.

Toto bit his inner cheek and shook his head, looking at the wall with crossed arms before he took a deep breath, “Now you’re speechless, huh? Because you know I’m right,” you added quickly.

The former racing driver raised his head and looked at you, “You know what?” You swiftly walked over to the modern door of your million dollar mansion and opened it, “take what’s yours and leave!”

You were furious, your blood was more than just boiling, you were really sick of him.

Toto scoffed again and bit his lip before a smirk made its way onto his face, making you furrow your browns in confusion.

Before you could even say anything, toto took long and quick steps towards you and swiftly picked you up, throwing you carelessly over his broad shoulder in a swift motion, giving you no time to protest.

You gasped and placed your palms onto his muscular back, “Toto, no! Let me down, what are you doing?” You asked him as his big, veiny hands squeezed your thighs,

“I'm doing what you told me to do, I'm taking what’s mine,” he told you calmly with — most probably — a cheeky smirk on his lips, making you almost — but only almost — laugh.

You scoffed and rolled your eyes before you let your head hung low, “Toto… you know that’s not what I meant, now let me down!” You continued protesting.

Your boyfriend only turned around and walked back to the kitchen, his big hand tightly holding the back of your thighs so you don’t fall.

He chuckled deeply, “what did you say, beautiful? I can’t hear you from back there,” the Austria joked wickedly, forcing you to roll your eyes once again.

“I said-”

But before you could repeat your sentence, toto swiftly threw your off of his broad shoulder and put you right in front of the countertop, making your back lean against it as he slowly placed bit of his palms on the countertop next to your hips, intimidatingly leaning in,

“What did you say? I’m sorry that I interrupted you, sweetheart… now you can go on,” he mumbled quietly, waiting for you to speak up.

But you only gulped as you looked io at him with big eyes, gently shaking your head, “N-No, everything’s fine,” you said softly.

“Are you sure, baby? Nothing you wanna say to me?” Toto continued whispering to you, leaning in a bit closer so that your nose was almost brushing his.

“N-Nope,” you replied almost nervously since he was so close.

He smirked before he took a step away from you again, “alright, if you say so, mein liebes,” my love.

#fanfic #fanfiction #f1 #toto #toto wolff x reader #toto wolff #toto wolff x you #toto wolff x y/n #Toto Wolff x fem!reader #Toto Wolff f1 #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #f1 fic #f1 2024 #f1 mercedes

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lostinforestbound · 13 hours

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The fic is going well! I'm on a roll and after I'm done I'll be searching for a Beta-Reader! For now, to tie you all over:

Romantic Zevlor Headcanons

This sad old man is incredibly traditional in the sense of romance. He plans dates to the very hour, brings flowers, cleans himself up nicely, kisses the top of his partners hand and offers his arm as they walk; the perfect man to date! He's also very experienced.

I would say he's not shy about romance, but definitely reserved. He didn't have time for it once he became a Hellrider, it pulled all his focus in. After his oath is broken and he got cast out from Elturel with the other refugees, that also pulled his focus away from even considering a relationship.

When everything is finally calm, he doubts that anyone would even want him in this stage of his life. He's an old, tired man and he made his peace with it. Then his partner comes along and throws him in for a loop! He starts to feel alive again.

He plans dates out strategically, but would not stress out if something doesn't go according to plan. He can easily go with the flow. If his partner is stressed out however, he would give them a kiss on the forehead and say something along the lines of "It is all right, my love. Let us try something else."

Quality time is important to him. His favorites are long walks! The beach, forest, a meadow, some hills, a hike, he loves to get moving! And it's even better with a partner where they can talk about anything and everything while in the privacy of nature. It's wonderful! If his partner prefers to stay home though, he's completely content with sitting by the fire.

His main love language is absolutely acts of service! He loves taking care of his partner and doing things for them. He makes food for them, patches their clothes, and makes sure their things are organized the way they like it. This man also gives some of the best massages!

Gods he loves cuddling. He adores it, actually! After a long day, he looks forward to going to bed with them the most. It calming and honestly helps him sleep much better. He's slept alone a lot, and he missed having another body next to him.

Zevlor has been through quite a bit, so of course he would have nightmares about a multitude of things! Especially regarding his fuck up in the Shadow Cursed Lands. He doesn't quite wake up in a cold sweat since he's used to them, but they still startle him awake sometimes. He's not afraid to ask for help from his partner if nights are a struggle for him.

On that point, he's a fantastic communicator! If anything is bothering him, even if he's embarrassed, he will discuss it with his partner. He personally does not like being kept in the dark about what his partner is feeling, so why would he do that to them? It benefits no one. If his partner needs more time to figure out their words, he will absolutely give it, but there is no hiding anything from him.

His kisses are usually gentle, and he loves holding his partner's face in his hands while doing so! He's incredibly tender in everything he does involving them, but he also loves to tease! When he kisses the top of their hand, he'll kiss up their arm to their neck and eventually their face, littering pecks all over. Bonus points if his partner is ticklish, he enjoys their laughs and giggles as it brings him genuine joy.

If his partner is a tiefling or a tailed dragonborn, he absolutely would link his tail with theirs in a private setting. Usually he prefers to have his tail out of the way, especially in public, but when it's just the two of them he uses his tail pretty freely. This is because he finds tail-holding very intimate.

He doesn't mind public display of affection in other ways though! Hand holding, wayward pecks, sitting close, hugs, he loves it all. Sitting in his lap may get him flustered though, especially if his partner is very forward in their affection! Sometimes he feels as though his heart will give out with how fast it beats (maybe he's too old for this after all).

Zevlor isn't used to being taken care of at all, usually he's the one doing all the caring. When his partner starts doing it his head practically reels in shock, not expecting it to feel so nice. He doesn't outwardly ask for it but brushing his hair and massaging the tension out of his hands is something he adores. His partner always receives a 'thank you' kiss.

He knows how to dance, which can surprise people! Slow dancing is his preferred style, and he'll bring his partner in for a slow sway when they're alone. No music is needed in these intimate moments, his lover is all he wants anyways.

#forest-writes #zevlor #zevlor x tav #zevlor x reader #zevlor bg3 #bg3 zevlor

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raapija · 20 hours

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Xan we get anything slightly angsty from the pookie au 🥺 theyre too content

Thank you for the prompt <3 I'm sorry for the late response. The amount of times I've started to write something, deleted it, started again, deleted, started, deleted... ugh... But now I've finally settled for this. I struggle to write angsty stuff, but I hope you like this one. It became a lot sadder than I anticipated...

This is inspired by this post, so give it a quick glance before reading.

this is set in 2020

summary: Lance calls Fernando after a tough day and it turns even worse.

warnings: angst, self-doubt, lance having a breakdown and fernando not helping

Lance sat on the edge of his bed. The clock on his hotel room wall was too loud. It made his ears tingle with each tick, driving him mad. He got up, went to pick the clock off the wall and pulled the batteries out. He carefully laid them onto a small table and then returned to sit on the bed, now cross-legged and looking down at his phone.

The black screen of his iphone taunted him, begged for him to pick it up. It was beautifully laid on the red satin cover of the bed. Lance fought between calling and not calling. Maybe he should just go for a run to clear his mind, but the idea of hearing Fernando's voice... He needed it right now. The race had been a total fluke, finishing dead last and he had rushed through the media pen to get back to his hotel. Everyone was staring at him again.

Lance grabbed the phone, taking a while before unlocking the screen and going to find Fernando's number. It was under 'Nano ♥', like it had been for years. The emoji at the end pulled on his heartstrings.

"Cariño?"

Lance sighed when he heard Fernando pick up.

"Lancito? You okay?"

"Yeah, uh..." Lance hurried to answer. He picked on a loose thread on a seam on his joggers. The words were harder to find than usual.

"I miss you." he got out. He let his head hang down, gripping his hair and squeezing his eyes shut.

"I miss you too, baby."

"I love you." Lance added, his voice barely audible. Tears started to fall down, staining the satin under him a dark shade of burgundy. He gripped his hair tighter, so hard it hurt.

"Yo también te quiero, cariño."

Fernando's voice was so smooth, so calm. A stark contrast to Lance's sobbing, which became louder and he had to hold a hand over his mouth to keep them inside.

"Don't cry. I hate hearing you cry."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry either."

"I'm sorry..." Lance whispered. He was always apologizing. Whatever it was. Especially to Fernando.

"What is it, churri? What is making you sad?"

"I had a bad race. They're writing stories about me again."

"Don't look at those. They don't know you."

"I feel like everyone's staring at me. Like they hate me."

"That's not true."

Lance wiped the tears off his face, taking a couple deep breaths to calm down. He sniffled, and then continued: "I know it's not true, but everyone else doesn't. My family, my friends, the guys on the grid... To them that's real."

"No, don't think like that. Your family loves you, your friends love you. I love you."

The word 'love' was losing meaning over distant phone calls. Lance hated it, hated it to his core. He wished Fernando would just come back and hold him. Touch him. Even be there to just look at him.

"Where are you right now?" Lance asked. He knew Fernando was in the Middle-East, doing some sort of a rally raid. He had so many things going on, that Lance struggled to keep up. It felt like Fernando was grabbing at everything he possibly could, finding ways to keep himself occupied instead of coming home, instead of staying still.

"Somewhere, always somewhere."

"But never here."

Lance felt like choking again. He missed him. Missed him so much it was killing him, tearing him apart. If he had known love could hurt you this much, he would've never let himself fall for Fernando.

"I'm tired of being in love and being alone."

"It's okay, I'll find you again."

"But you're so far away from me. You're always away. And I'm always alone."

"I love you, I'm coming back, lo prometo. Te amo."

Again. Love, love, love, echoing in Lance's ears. Two years. Two years Fernando had been away. They saw each other maybe once a month.

"I don't know how much longer I'll be able to wait."

There was a pause in Fernando's end, then a sigh, and Lance felt the tears start to well up in his eyes again.

"I'm trying."

"I need you."

"Cariño, I'm sorry. I promise I find a way back."

Empty promises. Fernando's specialty. Lance wanted to stab at him, right in the heart. A new emotion took over, anger.

"You sons miss you, too. Lando, Oscar and Carlos."

Another pause. His kids were always a way in. Lance took it as a chance to take control.

"You were there for all their life and then you go away like this. Why? Why now? You hold everyone together and now it's all falling apart. You say you love me, but you're never here to love me. You're away so much, it doesn't even feel like we're together anymore. Why?"

"I don't know..."

"Figure it out!" Lance cried. What he was about to say next tortured him, it felt like his soul was being ripped out of him. "I can't live like this. I've given you three years and you've given me nothing. Every day you just go further and further away. Like you want me to leave you."

"No. Never."

"It's what it feels like..." Lance choked out. He didn't even try to keep the tears in anymore. He was too tired of it all.

"You can not leave me. I love you. I find a way, I promise. Lance, you can't."

Lance gave out a pained groan at Fernando's pleading voice. He wanted to throw his phone at the wall. Wanted to scream at Fernando, hit him, kick him, make him understand how much it hurt.

"It's killing me. I give you chance after fucking chance. I'm done with it. I'll only give you one more. One more fucking... -If you don't come back, that's it. I won't ruin my whole life for you."

"I will."

"One chance."

"I promise, I will come to you. Lance, I promise. I lo-"

Lance hung up on him, gripping his phone tight and swinging his arm back to throw it, but he didn't. He instead crumbled down onto the bed, crying into the sheets. He wrapped his arms around himself to imagine it was someone else holding him.

Lance wanted him to come back, to knock on his door in the morning and hug him and kiss him. But a small part of him also wanted Fernando to stay away. That small part ate at him, growing bigger and bigger. Lance wanted to kill it; burn it with fire and never think of it ever again. But it became stronger every day, almost enough that it could take over. Only Fernando could make it go away. If he'd only come back.

#pookie au #nando and his mcnuggets #fic #is this good? please tell me it's good...#strollonso #lance stroll #fernando alonso #pre-aston strollonso

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nenynrawrites · 1 day

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Neck kisses ~ Nikki Sixx

Summary: Y/N has a stomach bug and misses a show of the boys, but Nikki knows a way to make it up to her.

Wordcount: 942 words

Warnings: None, just fluff

A/N: This was the very first rocker imagine I've written, so yeah;3

Likes, reblogs and comments are always appreciated!<3

Mötley Crüe was the embodiment of notorious, but they always delivered. And well at that. Whether or not one of 'em has got broken bones. And you were very lucky to call their bassist yours.

You and Nikki have been dating for the past two years, since August '84, after being introduced by Tommy in late 1980 / early 1981, when he, Mikki and Mick showed up at the house Vince and his band Rockcandy played at. It was a coincidence, really, but, well...Tommy ordered you over there for some reason, and he really didn't budge, so you casually got ready, and for to the party half an hour earlier (you miscalculated the time you needed to get there.)

~ Flashback starts ~

Shortly said, you knew Vince and another girl at the party, so you weren't completely left alone, until the girl left with the host of the party, leaving you awkwardly standing there, until, thank god, you say Tommy's tall figure stick out of the crown, his brown hair excitedly bouncing up and down, his smile and attitude radiant like ever, until your gaze shifted to the two other people following him: A smaller, but still taller than you, man with raven hair and green eyes, having a slight smile on his lips, but somehow managing to still look a little bit grumpy but nice. The other man, much taller than you but still smaller than Tommy, raven hair, too, and much beautiful green eyes that held a passion within, but something sad, too, but you weren't too worried about that right now, as you were basically attacked by a beaming Tommy, who pulled you into a strong hug, twirling around as soon as he saw you.

,,Y/N! Man, it's been ages, you don't know how much I've missed you!''

,,I've missed you, too, Tommy, but please: Put me down!''

He obliged, and you sorted yourself out, being all dizzy from the twirling, when you locked eyes with the taller of the two unknown men, who rewarded you with a warm smile, nodding to you.

,,Care to introduce us, T-Bone?''

,,Oh, uh, yeah, totally forgot! Y/N, these are my bandmates Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars, and we're kinda on a mission, well, me, at least, to get Vince to audition, you know? Which reminds me...Mick, could you come with me real quick? Thank you.''

Before either you or Nikki could say something, Mick and Tommy were gone, swallowed by the crowd, which felt impossible to you, as Tommy towered over everyone.

,,Huh, well...Clever bastard...''

,,I suppose we should talk? Or even at least pretend to share a conversation, 'cause I just know he's looking from somewhere...''

,,Well, here goes nothing...''

And through Tommy's very smart move, you and Nikki quickly got talking, finding more compatibilities by the second, and from then on, your friendship and eventual relationship took off.

~ Flashback ends ~

~-~

,,TAKE ME TO THE TOP!''

As loud as it was, and as strong as the vibrations were, you wished you were there watching it. Nikki had asked you to come on tour with him, and of course you said yes, but you were still wary of the media and such, as it would be the first time you and him present yourselves as a couple, having hidden it cleverly the previous year. But, in the end, it proved itself as a good idea, until today hit.

You weren't feeling well the whole day. Whether it was the car sickness acting up longer than usual or the flu coming in, you couldn't figure it out, and as much as you would've loved to watch the concert, Nikki made you stay in the bus, not wanting you to tire yourself out, or eventually collapse.

As you laid there on the couch on the bus, still quietly singing ,,Take me to the top'', snuggling more into the blanket, you heard the bus door open, and after stretching your head a little, were met with the sight of Nikki, who, surprisingly, took a quick shower before heading over to you. It was a surprise, since usually, he would come up to you after the show all sweaty, trying to give you a hug to mess with you.

,,How's my favourite bug?''

,,If you mean the probable stomach bug, then she's doing just fine. If you mean me, then one wrong move and you're going to hell.''

,,That bad?''

,,Yeah...And even worse since I don't know what it is.''

,,Maybe you're...Pregnant?''

,,Pregnant? Wha- Oof, that hurt...''

Whilst you changed your position to lay on your back, your head propped against a pillow, Nikki made it comfortable for himself on top of you, trying not to put too much pressure on your stomach.

Putting your arms around him and pulling him a little bit closer, until he was mere millimetres away from your face, his hot breath smelling of cigarettes, leather, body wash and mint.

,,Hello there, beautiful.''

,,Good evening, handsome.''

,,How can I be of service to help you feel better?''

,,I don't know, surprise me.''

,,Lucky you, I've already got an idea...''

Softly kissing you on your lips, he made a trail of kisses all over your face, before stopping at your neck, caressing, knowing it's your weak point.

,,N-Nikki, I'm n-not in the mood...''

,,Don't think of it like that, it's just caressing.''

And so it went on for a bit, the worry about the stomach bug flowing away, replaced by happiness of being cared for, and of course, you couldn't pass up the opportunity to give Nikki the same treatments back, but after you feel better.

And maybe...He might've left a hickey...Or two...Alright, it were three!

#motley crue #nikki sixx #nikki sixx x reader

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wlwinry · 4 months

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y’all weren’t kidding about this episode feeding the fabian angst writers. anyways where’s Cathilda she’s gotta come rescue her kid

#someone pls scream with me in dms about it I could not hate Hallariel Seacaster more rn #he’s ALONE. he’s tired and sad and ALONE #for ‘a few months to a year’ idc if he’s eighteen. he’s a teenager he’s scared and he’s tired #he needs support and instead. Fuck #d20 #fhjy spoilers

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starry-bi-sky · 6 days

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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards

*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then

#dpxdc #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc crossover #dpdc #clone^2 #danny fenton is a clone #like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a #few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but #you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device #they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause #nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to #keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter #raaa #and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs

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pinkd3mon · 8 months

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Sketches I made at school

#kirby #kots #kirby of the stars #kirby fanart #hoshi no kirby #Taranza #Magolor #marx #queen Sectonia #waddle dee #king dedede #very fond of the spider dude #today was a tough day and I can always rely on Taranza to think #'damn this guy is pathetic and going through it he's just like me'#at this point Taranza isn't sad she's just annoyed #at least my Taranza I've made him sad too many times he's tired of it #he's just not impressed #what's that? a mask of my dead (girl)friend? seen that before #'been there done that you know what give me the mask I'll wear it myself'#i get sad when I think about Taranza being all alone in Floralia #so I like to think he comes down often to help Dedede around #i just know at the beginning Dedede was just making up tasks just so Taranza could come out of his big ass castle #i just like the idea of their friendship #specially with Dedede's and Sectonia's parallels #i have this hc that waddle dees adopt people and now they're honorary waddle dees #Taranza cries so hard when Dedede tells him he's now considered one of them #when Dedede explained the concept of honorary waddle dee Taranza was like 'oh like you' and Dedede 'wdym'#Dedede thinks he's a waddle dee hc #if you're wondering who else is in the group it's Kirby Taranza Magolor and technically Dedede

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mmmairon · 1 year

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I deserve not even you

#holds him up by the armpits #ohh he got a little fucked up just a little fucked up but that’s a babygirl congratulations!#this piece has been a fucking struggle #not because it was necessarily hard #(the horse was fucking hard)#but because of exams #i started it back in like october #and then the other day i loft my apple pencil #and i had to leave for school for a few days and i really wanted to finish this so i got sad #and then i remembered my display tablet is in the city #so i finished this on photoshop while listening to adam beed lol #he’s so himbo #anyway #do you ever think about how alone diluc was and had absolutely no one to turn to when he got hurt #goodbye #diluc #genshin impact #diluc fanart #just a bro and his horse fr #i’m too tired to talk more about my thoughts behind this i just finished exams i’m a wet noodle #digital art #my art #genshin

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barb-being-mentally-ill · 11 months

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Day 5: Sharing a meal/Hands

So I went with hands and my selling pitch is; So the day 5, op is dead, megs is tired af and then in a moment of absolute darkness comes in op ghostly form to comfort him(delousion or fr, doesn’t matter).

And megs feels his hands gently holding his face and he is just done, and has this borderline worshipful expression, finally seeing his beloved after a lifetime of darkness

And perhaps I didn’t nail the expression but this an experimental painting and a departure from what I usually do, so I would call it a win 🤷

Here’s the sketch and I would call it “concept art” for this piece

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carefulfears · 9 months

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top 5 (or 10 if you have em) scully taking care of mulder moments <3

she said IF i have 10 😭😭😭

1/ sein und zeit

i fear i have talked about this television scene more times than anyone has ever talked about a television scene....like. one, two, three, four, i was even foolishly invited onto a podcast to talk about it more...

my tags here:

she gets down on the Ground. there's something so primal about it. there's such a lack of pretense and sense of desperation about it. the way he hits the table. we so Rarely see him lash out like that. but it's just too much to Bear. like everything in him is just Breaking the only thing that he's even remotely been able to hold onto amidst all of the unbearable loss and trauma in his life has failed. he's fumbling around for anything that might make it better. that audries fic describing him in this moment as an 'addict out of a fix' with 'newborn anger.' “this is the world? this is it?” it's the way that he spends this whole ep cooking up some elaborate mythology about missing children and how they can be found and then the last shot of the episode is that wide shot of all of the children's graves. sometimes he's just wrong. the world is so much fucking darker and uglier sometimes than the way he sees it. and that's what is crashing down around him in this moment. and she's sitting in the wreckage holding him tight.

this is such brave, brave love. i keep thinking about CSM in the following episode, standing in scully's apartment, warning her. "allow him his ignorance, it's what gives him hope."

she doesn't know what will happen to him, to her, to them, when she breaks down the only method of coping that he has. his mother lost her bedrock too, and she didn't survive. from the moment scully enters, you can watch it break her. she does it anyway. she gets down on the ground, and she cries, and she holds him. god, it all just would've been so different, if there'd been just 1 person, 27 years ago.

(thinking about mulder reaching up to hold scully when missy died, and these tags asking: did anyone hold him, when it was his sister?)

i love the show's message on grief (and trauma), in that this is all that is necessary for "closure." there is no "Truth," (and there really isn't any closure, there's no "beyond" the sea). but it matters that someone knows. it matters that someone bears witness. it matters that someone tells you the truth, even when it fucking breaks their heart. sits in the destruction with you.

the exhaustion in her voice the next morning, when she tells skinner, "it's been a hard night for him." she's still wearing her work clothes from the day before. she was up all night. she's tired, and she's scared, and she's sad. it's been a hard 7 years. it's been a hard 27 years.

it makes me tear up every time i see it, the way she blocks him in the doorway. she's not moving. this is just so scully. it's not even starbuck, it's just so scully. she would keep him in that apartment where she could cover him and control what touches him forever, if she could. (she can't, so you're not taking him anywhere without her. the way she looks her boss in the eye and tells him he better book her a flight too. brave love.)

2/ demons

god, this one just makes me sad. this might be the one that makes me saddest. she's dying. she doesn't have it in her, anymore. i talked about this in my newsletter (and i wrote a fic about it once) but this is like...the only time where she never calls him out on what he's doing. she never yells. she never rolls her eyes. she never gets frustrated with him. she doesn't have it in her. she's dying. he will be alone. she won't be here the next time. what can she even do about it?

i always think about this post:

and you know she is thinking about how if she hadn’t been there he would’ve died. and how the next time he does something like this, she won’t have enough life left in her to keep them both alive. she might not even have enough left for herself. and she’ll give whatever she does have left to him, but it won’t be enough to save either of them. she’ll die cold and pale and he’ll burn himself out. and what can she do but hold him? who will he have when she’s gone? what will he do to himself? who will he call?

and these tags:

this is so cautious and tender and apologetic. sorry for all the pain he feels constantly. and sorry that nothing can ease it. and sorry that she is dying and leaving him like this.

she started writing to him as soon as she was diagnosed, begging. begging forgiveness, begging courage, begging grace. begging for him to not feel there was anything more he could've done, to not become the next cause he is lost in. for him to keep going, as she needs to know he's "out there."

but she's seen him hold a gun to himself too many times, and she knows he's coming down with her. and it's such a loss? this is a person she gave up everything, including her life, to follow, because she believed in him and what he wanted to do in the world that much. but things are different now. he won't survive this. he won't be "out there" saving the world.

what can she do? go to rhode island at 5am, wrap him up. stay quiet, stay still, but scream and thrash at anyone who's careless with him. sink down next to him, cover him, hold him. "maybe we need every answer in the world to survive a single question: how long do we have each other?" (x)

(also, her memento mori journal, in general. she sat in that hospital alone, for days, knowing she was going to die. and she wrote letter, after letter, after letter, to him. so that he would have something. so that he wouldn’t be left alone with nothing, again.)

3/ the end

"as mulder appears. the look on his face is of a man who's seeing, smelling, and tasting the loss of everything he has worked for. it's the look of utter defeat. angle on scully at the door. she sees only mulder right now...she moves to him now. putting her arms around him, holding on to keep him from breaking. off this, we fade out. the end." (script)

i think so often about the script notes of this scene. the description of mulder, as absorbed in destruction. everything that he's worked for, literally reduced to (cigarette) ash. scully only focused on him.

in the final angle of the season, you can really see how she's standing in front of him. her fingers clutching him. but when she first grabs him, it's so tentative. it almost feels like she's trying to see if he's still there, if he exists, if his work doesn't.

this is...the whole thing! there's a reason why this was "the end." the final image of this iteration of the series, before everything changes. this is what it is all about. it's mulder walking headfirst into the devastation of the world. drenched in loss. seeing it. smelling it. tasting it. surrounded by it. and it's scully knowing what he'll find even as he's still moving (this script note, from the hallway: "reverse on scully. returning the look. knowing what mulder is going to find. and what it will mean.")

following behind. eyes on him, while he takes in the ash. just holding on for dear life; trying to keep him close, whole.

(also, i love the moment before the fire, at his apartment, after diana was shot. the way scully tells skinner that he can reach her at mulder's if he needs her, because that's where she'll be. he doesn't even have a bed, or anywhere for her to stay!! she's not leaving him.)

4/ paper hearts

oh, starbuck. we are really in it now.

paper hearts is an ahab and starbuck episode, yes. but mostly it's about grief. mostly it's about harsh awakenings. mostly it's about confrontation with fear, scully's included.

one of the most haunting moments of the series, to me, is when they speak to the father of the 14th victim, twenty-one years after his daughter went missing. and through tears, the father says, "i used to think...that missing was worse than dead, because...you never knew what happened. now that i know, i'm glad my wife's not here. she got luckier."

in that moment, as mulder looks over at the photos on the mantle, missing is not worse than dead. it is not worse than knowing. and later that day, in his first scene, roche calls it exactly as it is: "i understand you take this very personally, mulder."

i've written about this scene in the hallway so many times, because it's truly the crux of this episode (my favorite episode).

from my newsletter:

There’s something so viscerally deep about this episode that’s hard to put into words, but to me, it is most palpable in the moment in the hallway when Mulder asks Scully if she believes that his sister was abducted by aliens. And you can see in his face that he knows the answer, and he’s challenging her to come out and say it. You can see in Scully’s that she would rather admit to anything else.

he's challenging her. he's taking their entire dynamic, and throwing it in her face. not to be cruel. not to disrupt. but just to say...so what now? isn't this what you believe?

i don't think that they've ever been so fragile, as in this hallway, honestly. they rarely threaten to break it all down. their entire lives are built on him walking up to tragedy and saying: it was aliens. it was XYZ. and her following behind saying: no. it was a killer, it was a man.

what does that mean? what is she really saying?

this episode is hard on scully. mulder has never been more haunted. there has never been a bigger reminder of what they are actually doing. they are not just chasing little green men, having adventures, studying sewer worms. they are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. they are trying to find a "truth" that they do not want to know. they are living their lives in mourning, in bereavement, in remembrance, of a missing little girl, and scully is terrified that they'll find her. that it will be exactly like roche threatens. that missing is not worse than dead.

and there is no one else. there is no one else that even knows how haunted he is. how stuck he is, in that childhood bedroom, like he said all those years ago. how deeply sad it is.

it's all of the little things. it's the "you did good work, mulder" in the beginning. it's the way she asks if he's okay to go tell the 14th victim's family. it's way she exclaims "oh my god" when roche says that he just wants to see mulder's face, when he finds samantha's body. one of the few times that we ever see scully lose control, but she just stands up and screams, opens the door and wordlessly waits for mulder to get up and get out of there.

it's the way that she hears "help me, scully" and digs in the dirt, with her bare hands.

(you can tell in his eyes here that he's been crying, and it really gets to me. there's so much that we don't see.)

in the end, they're back in the basement. nothing left but one scrap of tattered fabric, one more lost failure. it's over. she just comes down to check on him.

the progression of scully's face in this last scene is just unbelievably gut-wrenching to me. her smile, when she tells him to get some sleep, and he laughs. the way it disappears when he holds her, and can't see her anymore. with his mother, flashing that smile and hugging her was all that it took to convince her not to worry. when he repeats the same actions with scully, she looks like she could break.

this post:

Episodes like this make me think how alone - not just lonely, but truly alone - Mulder was before her. Nobody lost sleep over him falling apart under the fist of decades old trauma. Nobody grappled with him, let him wrestle his grief against them, and still stayed. Nobody visited him in the hospital, flew to Alaska, lied for him, stayed by his bed for days straight without an extra change of clothes. Nobody else knew he was suffering or wanted to, knew it more than he knew. That end of Paper hearts where she tells him to get some sleep, he laughs at the ridiculousness of it, but also out of incredulity at having someone to wish for better on his behalf. The heartbroken look on her face as he’s laughing into her waist seems to be her coming to the same realisation; “Who looked after you before? How long did you feel like this on your own?”

she is heartbroken. there is so much grief, in being starbuck. there's grief in being needed. there's grief in following ghosts. there's grief in loving someone who is so encased in pain, in loss. he will not go home and get some sleep. a well-placed joke, that smile, a hug, does not convince her that he's okay. he hurts so much, for so long, and he has one person who knows it. and all they do is keep moving: closer and closer to that breaking point that she is so afraid of, and they can't stop.

5/ redux ii

remember when dana scully lied on her death bed and looked up at mulder as he told her that he was not willing to jeopardize skinner to save himself, and she replied, "well, then, you have to lay it on me."

the way he smiles and shakes his head, chokes out "i can't...i can't do that." through tears...they are so kind to each other. all that she has left in the world is her reputation, and she says: take it. take it all. take everything.

she cries when he won't do it.

6/ herrenvolk

okay, i wanna get into some slightly lighter ones, so y'all remember when she nearly fully knocked skinner into the wall, because mulder came in with a (checks notes) scratch on his face?

this is just so scully.

she is so panicked. she just wants to slow him down, to stand between him and the world for even one moment longer.

these tags:

she's almost begging him not to go in. the extent of her worry is heartbreaking. she loves him. it frightens her to know what awaits him.

one of the biggest conflicts of scully's character is that she just cannot stop him, she cannot shield him, she cannot protect him. the way she leans up here, and pulls him to her shoulder. covers him with a blanket. this is what she can do.

there is so much grief in being starbuck!! in loving someone who walks blindly into a world that you do not trust. in following someone into the worst night of their life: over, over, over. years, years, years. in being first mate, holding the responsibility on your shoulders of having to steer in a safe direction, only having one to choose from.

(i also think it's really special, all of the little moments where she checks in. in the previous episode, in the hospital hallway, the way she says "are you okay?" so softly.

in paper clip, when she makes him stop, and says "no, wait, hold on a second...i don't think you've had time to process everything that you've been through."

remnants of the girl who told him she'll cover for him and he should just go get a beer, take some time for himself, after jersey. who suggested he talk to someone, when jerry lamana died. she's always wanted so much for him, but she understands more now. there's still room to pause, for a moment, before he carries on.)

7/ anasazi

ladies, would you shoot your man with a gun, to keep him from endangering himself, while he was being laced with LSD, and then drag him across the country singlehandedly, while he was unconscious, despite him being twice your size? and this, too, is taking care.

the way she says, "i was certain they would have killed you, mulder." and the fear in her voice, his hand on her knee. (she is so young. she really doesn't know what to do, not as often as she seems like she does). the way he says, "thank you. thank you for taking care of me." they are so kind to each other. it'll break your fucking heart.

(i remember asking y'all a few weeks ago, if mulder and scully ever say "i'm sorry," if they ever apologize to each other. and we came up with a couple of times. i'll tell you what, though: not as often as they say "thank you.")

8/ fire

girlbosses when they singlehandedly solve serial murders, to get their best friend's shitty ex away from them!!! okay, i put this one on here because we were talking about it yesterday, but scully really does handle the entire situation with phoebe so perfectly, and that's hard to do, when you're dealing with friends and abusers.

trish, i loved this part of your post yesterday:

scully gives him the space to talk about it, never says too much but she says enough. her phrasing is SO important. she repeats what he just told her in a way that frames it as wrong.

she's a little rabid, lol. we can see it on her face when she's alone, or when mulder's not looking. but around him (around phoebe too) she's calm. she listens, she addresses what he tells her as bad, without pressing. when he tells her that she's off the case, that he doesn't want to expose her to what phoebe is doing, she asks one time: are you sure you don't want help?

he says yes, and she does it anyway. she catches that fucking murderer so that this woman can go home. just, like, an inspiration to us all.

trish's tweet:

really, truly, genuinely. scully solving the case in fire was the absolute best course of action she could have taken. get that woman out of here, an ocean away from mulder. (give him freedom, let him heal, teach him what real love feels like)

(her eyes locked in on him here, phoebe behind her. the way that when phoebe leaves the room, scully says, "you alright?" instantly.)

meeting phoebe just a few months into their partnership made her so fucking crazy like...i make fun of her for being sick in the head in regards to everyone he meets (men and women alike) and never wanting anyone around him other than her but like, my god, can you blame her!!! he's such a gentle person and people are so cruel and it makes her eyes bug out of her head.

yeah, i really don't have much else to say here, you guys. she solved a murder herself, a case that she wasn't even supposed to be working, so that his old gf would go away and stop being mean to him. she doesn't play!!

(also! while we're on the subject of abusive exes, honorable mention to scully cornering diana into an empty room and telling her to "just think" about who mulder is, who he was when she met him, compared to where he is now. "and then try and stand there in front of me. look me in the eye. and tell me mulder wouldn't bust his ass trying to save you.")

9/ deadalive

oh, you guys remember that time she raised him from the dead, right?

scully at 8 months pregnant, sitting in that hospital chair, holding his hand, for days. knowing he can’t feel it, knowing that there’s nothing that says he’ll ever wake up. that it’s impossible. that there is no science…yeah. she just sits there and holds his hand.

i love the moment when she finds out, and she comes barreling through that hallway. she hits skinner first, and starts yelling, “i want to see him. no, i need to see him,” slams her fists into his chest.

then she moves onto doggett. repeats, “i need to see him” through tears. and the way doggett says… “i know. but i wish you wouldn’t.”

she’s loved. they want to protect her, protect her image of mulder as she knew him. but they also both know she will fucking plow them down.

i always think of this fic and feel so ill:

“I pulled you six feet out of the ground,” she whispers, dangerously low. “Because I couldn’t live without you. I gave birth to your child.”

she fed his fish while he was in a casket. she planned a funeral and decorated a nursery alone, at the same time. she ran herself ragged all over the country, trying to keep his work going. she raised him from the dead.

(i also feel that i can throw in here, as related, the time that she busted him out of prison and then abandoned everything in her entire life including her career, her family, and everything she owns, to go on the run from the law and live secretly in seedy motels for years to be with him.)

10/ fight the future

there are too many contenders for my last spot, so i’m gonna keep it simple, and go with the most special movie moment. (of all movies).

from my newsletter:

“Mulder watches the spaceship as it flies overhead, his face glows with a heart-melting grin of childlike wonder and awe.”(x)

That’s exactly what it feels like to me, it’s an innocence and excitement that was so present in season one, that was all over him when he told Scully to come look in the second episode, but that’s rare to see in the later seasons. It’s rare to see at this point in their story, after all that’s happened. They are stranded in Antarctica, both of them injured, both of them freezing in the cold, and they are holding each other and gazing up at the sky. What a perfect thing in their big momentous feature, to bring it all back to what it started with.

there’s such a reverent sentimentality to it, in the simplicity. she had stopped breathing, a few minutes earlier. but when he passes out, she pulls herself up, and grabs onto him. keeps him alive, keeps them both alive, just by holding him close. that’s really the heart of it.

(also, i find it so moving that this film is the only time in the franchise that scully considers leaving, not working with him anymore, and it’s because she thinks she’s not good for him. that she’s holding him back. she never considers him as anything other than wanted, something worth believing in.)

some honorable mentions to: little green men, which i’ve written about here. (especially her secret-signaling him to their secret meet-up place, just to ask if he’s okay). the erlenmeyer flask, which i’ve talked about here. (she literally stops him in the street to tell him that she should have listened to him, and she’s sorry, because she should have trusted his instincts. that means so much, you guys). her telling colton she hopes he falls on his ass after he was making rude comments about mulder in squeeze, screaming at a serial killer that she’ll gas him into hell herself and no one will stop her, if mulder isn’t okay, in beyond the sea….she has threatened and shouted at and smacked around so many people for fucking with him, and this too is care!! (anger meaning you’re worth being angry over, etc etc)

how desperately she became frantic to find their son, after 17 years resigned to never ever looking for him, never ever endangering him that way…because she became convinced that it’s the only thing that would help mulder.

and how important samantha is to her. it matters. it matters, that sam is remembered. that someone else in the world knows. someone knows that they played baseball in the summers, that they fought over the television, that he’s looked for her in every room he’s ever been in. someone else cares about her; not as a white whale, not as a photo on a desk, as a little girl who broke her collarbone because she played on swings too hard. scully listened to her journal, and cried. listened to how much she suffered. how much she just wanted to see her big brother. (scully kept a journal like that, too, once. underwent those same tests. almost died at the hands of those same men. wrote her testimony to that same person.) it’s taking care of mulder, to love samantha. and she does.

#i got really really tired by the end but it is what it is #i want y'all to know #that i almost put 'trust no 1' on here #the way that she yells at doggett that she wants to see mulder 'SO BAD'#but in the end: writes to him that she just wants him to be okay even if she can't see him or hear from him #or even if he can't read what she sends him #and the way that she looks over at william in the stroller and puts her hand on his face #just like...that one semblance of mulder that she still has in her life and that she holds onto- in this baby #and he's growing up without his dad and she NEVER wanted that.#and mulder is writing to her that he just wants to come home to her and to will.#and how her voice shakes and she screams when she talks about how badly she just needs to see him. she feels so alone.#and there are only so many solar system onesies and star mobiles and lullabies from the florida woods that she can give #but ultimately she just wants him to be safe and alive and that's what she tells him and that's what she fights for with everyone else #but it's just so fucking unbearably sad and i couldnt do it after the first few i put on here ksjdfk #i would also say!! that her leaving him post-iwtb and their break-up was in a way taking care of him #getting the fuck out of that house. trying to save herself from that trap of grief.#then coming back when it was less haunted and he was healthier and it was able to be their home again #refusing to suffocate there just because he was. salvaging SOMETHING for him to come back to- and ALWAYS being available for that.#asks #sein und zeit #demons #the end #paper hearts #redux ii #herrenvolk #anasazi #fire #deadalive #ftf

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