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zoetiger-1106 · 2 months

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The Chameleon is actually a really complex character and here's why.

Disclaimer: This post will contain kfp 4 spoilers as well as include info from interviews and the animation featurette and I will be analyzing the movie pretending that everything had deeper thought put into it even tho it's most likely not the case sometimes

For those who haven't seen it, have the absolute criminal offense that screwed with the story telling of this movie because it is important context.

Now that we have that whole thing out of the way, let me explain to you how the Chameleon's character is shown through more subtle things instead of just very in your face exposition/ storytelling.

1) Cammy's insecurities

The first time she was in on screen, Cammy was established as being in charge of Juniper City via commanding the local crime lords. She is hidden among them for the first part of their conversation, where she observes them badmouth her before she reveals herself, but even before the reveal, we get hints to her being there via the line "You forgot the shape-shifting sorceress part" that she throws into the conversation after the bear crime lord insulted her appearance.

Despite showing herself as in control and well put together, her need to interject hints at the fact that she does still have some underlying insecurities regarding her true form.

That insecure aspect of her character is further proven by her summoning Tai Lung first (I'll get to that later) and a statement from Viola Davis where she talked about how she did the character voice for Cammy

The underlying implication that she has internalized when masters told her she was "too small, too lowly and that kung fu wasn't [her] destiny" is proven even more when you take into consideration that she exclusively transforms into species that are larger and more physically powerful than her.

She literally says: "I grew, I excelled, and I got everything I had ever dreamed of." Everything BUT kung fu. The one thing she wanted to do from the very beginning. So, with that context, the "dream" she got fulfilled to a degree was the power. Conventional, physical power.

People have told her kung fu wasn't "her destiny" so she decided to take matters into her own hands and do what she believed to get her to where she wanted to.

To quote the Stephanie Ma Stine, the director who actually cared about her: "Because she has this anger that's been build up from always being invisible to everyone else, her transformation process actually reflects her anger."

All those years of being over looked and seen as less than had such an impact on her that it consumes ever part of her being. That lizard needs a hug and therapy, your honor.

As I said, I wanted to get into why she summoned Tai Lung first (chill I know this was not actually as thought out as I am interpreting it to be but hear me out.)

Tai Lung is everything she isn't and couldn't have been.

He is tall and conventionally powerful. Even if you knew nothing about his character, you could take a look at him and know that man is strong. On top of that, he had received formal training at a renowned school by a renowned master. Taking his kung fu first and foremost is not only the fulfillment of a wish she's had her whole life but also a power move on it's own; while not able to do kung fu Cammy still managed to beat someone who was what the schools she had gone to all those years ago would have considered the ideal student.

Also can we acknowledge how the water dragons (those are not komodo dragons idc how often it's stated) clap for her after she's done with Tai? Show of hands from all the mentally ill people who'd get their henchmen to clap for them too because they desperately need praise 🙋

Similar can be said for how she makes the people of Juniper City bow before her when she is paraded around; it makes her feel powerful.

Lastly I'd like to point out that her line of "Third rule of the streets? [...] Some would say it's the most important. Noone is interested in your feelings." Is probably something she got from people not caring about her feelings back in the day when she tried to pursue her passion.

2) Cammy's knowledge & skill

"Those bonds (the cages) are enchanted with some very old and very powerful magic. You'd need at least 10 Dragon Warrior's to get through them". Not only can she create such strong (presumably) chi based bonds but she can make them in batches and with ease. Between the scene of her accepting tributes from the crime lords of the city and Po's vision about her plan we can see her enchant multiple cages at once.

Not only that but she knows advanced chi techniques as well as how to open portals to the Spirit Realm. That is not easy information to come by Cammy has been researching chi in general for god knows how many years.

I don't know if I have said this on this blog before but her not being redeemed is such a wast because she could have not only helped Po further his mastery in chi but also aid in replacing a lot of the scrolls in the JP since she is knowledgeable on history and the history of kung fu and master too.

You honor that lizard is a nerd and deserves to geek out with Po.

I'd also like to point out that not only is she able to shape shift but do it incredibly swiftly. She can be seen switching forms in a matter of seconds even mid combat. Not only that but she has so much control off her body that she was able to create that dragon from of hers by transforming parts of her into different beings with little to no effort. That forms for incredibly stable too; she only transformed out of it to change her strategy.

Her incredible amount of control over her body funnily enough also shown by her 3d model alone. As stated by Sean Sexton the head of character animation "The Chameleon had 8130 controls. You could move every single part of that character [...]"

Lastly, I need to talk about how she genuinely is like Po.

I've seen people say that she can't do anything on her own because she just steals people's kung fu when no. No that is not the case. After having stolen enough master's kung fu to have a wide knowledge of the craft she was able to mimic and adapt to Po's style without having to steal anything from him. If she wouldn't have been given the opportunity to learn kung fu she would have become like Po and been able to master techniques based on simply observing them.

TLDR: Cammy is a great character this fandom is just horrible to female villains

#kung fu panda #kfp #the chameleon #kung fu panda 4 #live laugh love the chameleon

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questionablecuttlefish · 4 months

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Some Lightcannon Headcanons

Just some thoughts re: these two idiots, specifically how I've been writing them in the Ill-Omen's fanfic series. YMMV, 'official' lore is pretty fuzzy with League stuff. LUX

Lux was expected from a young age to continue the Crownguard legacy in some fashion. With her brother captaining the Dauntless Vanguard, the possibility that he would Die in Glorious Battle leaving that branch of the Crownguard line without an heir would mean Lux stepping up.

Demacia seems fairly gender equal so there are plenty of ways she could do this. But if Garen were to die without issue, as the last remaining heir to that branch she'd have more pressure on her to Continue the Line through marriage and children on top of whatever else she was doing.

She is a trained diplomat and very good at putting her game face on. She usually expertly plays the sunny, charming young lady that has led her to be beloved across Demacia, but she uses so many different smiles she's literally numbered them in her head.

Like most good facades, it's not entirely inaccurate to who she is; Lux really does have a lot of warmth, compassion and idealism, but she isn't naive. She won't hesitate to manipulate people to her advantage if she needs to protect herself or a loved one, defuse a conflict, or deflect scrutiny.

Illuminators

As an Illuminator, she is officially a member of a charitable religious order responsible for helping the poor and downtrodden of Demacia. This is an aspect that Lux excels at, her natural empathy and ability to remain calm in the face of others' distress make her a natural carer.

The Illuminators also operate secretly as a spy network keeping tabs on outside threats to Demacia, including infiltration by old enemies like Noxus. Though young, Luxanna's political status as a Crownguard makes her a valued asset to the Order.

The Illuminators are also one of the few organizations in Demacia that tolerate and utilize mages, albeit discreetly and off the record. They are aware of Lux's abilities and have trained her to use them - covertly - in service of her country.

The Illuminators have on occasion acted to conceal and protect mages or smuggle them to safety, particularly those who might prove useful to their mission.

This puts them directly at odds with the Mageseeker order, (completely separate in my canon) who consider them bitter rivals and suspect, but cannot prove, that they aid mages in secret.

Like most oppressive regimes, the Mageseekers are giant hypocrites and use mages, brainwashed or tortured into compliance, as agents themselves.

In short; the Illuminators believe magic is a viable tool to protect Demacia if carefully shepherded and trained, Mageseekers believe magic is an abomination that must be suppressed or destroyed at all costs.

Lux has proven herself to the Order in several high-difficulty missions, including spying on the Noxian high command, primarily using her invisibility and light-bending powers to remain unseen and gather intel from a distance.

Though the Illuminators have kept Lux away from missions requiring seduction, to avoid 'sullying the Crownguard name', she has killed in the line of duty more than once.

Whilst not a frontline soldier like her brother, Lux has been trained since childhood like any Demacian noble in the warrior arts. She is adept with sword, staff, knife, bow, shield, lance and a deft rider.

She excels most at tactics and strategy; whilst Garen is a fearless and shrewd battlefield commander, Lux has a greater grasp of big-picture strategy and perceptive ability to read others.

She always beats him at strategic games.

Lux is a combat pragmatist. Her magical moves are dance-like and graceful, because when channeling her light she's accessing a transcendant mental space; her swordplay is more to-the-point, favoring strong defense and a quick end to the encounter.

She's not a natural killer, though she is as trained one; she'll kill in self-defense or duty, but she does not enjoy it and feels the weight of each life taken. She finds Jinx's aptitude for killing alarming, less out of moral judgment than out of fear that Jinx may lose herself in it if she goes too far.

Lux's strict, privileged upbringing, many duties, and the necessity of guarding herself from anyone discovering her magic have left her with very few actual, close friendships. She's often lonely, and whilst she's had a handful of unrequited crushes she's inexperienced with romance or relationships and feels like the Crownguard name intimidates away potential partners. She is quick with a smile but keeps people at arms' length for her own protection; with the weight of her name and her secrets on her small shoulders, Lux is slow to trust for very good reasons.

#lightcannon #luxanna crownguard #jinx #lux #jinx x lux #arcane #arcane jinx #lol jinx #arcane netflix #jinx arcane #jinx league of legends #my headcanons

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hopelessdelusional · 1 year

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.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING FOR SLIGHT MENTIONS OF HOSPITALS, BLOOD, AND DEPRESSION⚠️

You sit in your car smiling at your phone, sure your friends drive you crazy but you wouldn’t have made it this far in life without them.

A year ago today you were laying in a hospital bed watching the same “Friends” episodes that aired on the small TV that sat in front of you. You had gotten into a small car accident, thinking the worst of it was just a concussion, but you were proven wrong when your doctor walked in the room with a clipboard and a frown on her face.

“Ms. L/N, it seems you have a genetic disorder that we didn’t know about. It turns out you have Hemophilia, which is basically a disorder where your blood doesn’t clot normally and when you injure yourself it’s very easy for internal or even external bleeding can occur. Now, it can be treated easily but you have to be careful…”

Those words never left your brain, constantly ringing in your ears. You never thought you’d be the same. Taking on a physical illness like that caused you to struggle mentally as well, struggling to get back in the swing of things. The constant doctor visits, parents calling every day, random relatives texting you, it was exhausting. You were exhausted.

However, you had the best group of friends, who supported you no matter what. They gave you a reason to get out of bed, and even giving you a reason to go to bed when it was an appropriate time. Yes, the journey was hard but you had family and friends right next to you, and that’s all you had to think about. In order to get through the bad, you have to get to the good.

That’s how you ended up here, sitting in the parking lot of the most packed out studios in Los Angeles. That’s also how you got to working again, finally summoning up the courage to put your résumé back out there, and to your surprise getting hired almost immediately.

“I dunno Toshi, it just happened so suddenly I didn’t have any time to adjust to take it in or-“

“n/n I swear to god if you don’t accept this, they are literally the top modeling agency of LA. This is an opportunity of a lifetime.”

You sighed and sat back down in your rolling chair, watching your best friend stare at you from your bed disapprovingly.

“Okay. Okay fine. Whatever I‘ll take it.”

You slowly look up at your best friend who is grinning back up at you.

“I knew you had it in you.”

You walked in through the double doors, showing the receptionist your ID, and finding your way around the building. Eventually you met the agent that you spoke on the phone with. It was refreshing to see she was as kind looking as her picture on the website, but you couldn’t for the life of you remember her name. She immediately jumped up to greet you.

“Good Morning Ms. L/N! Thank you so much for coming in today. I knew as soon as I saw your name on my list of possible photographers I wanted you here ASAP. I love your perspective and the way you capture models flawlessly, There was no way I was going to deny you!”

Taken aback by the sudden energy and kindness that this modeling agent had offered, you smiled and chuckled along with her as she rambled. She walked you through the main hallway and then finally into the main photography unit. It was even bigger than you remembered, many different corners of the unit being used for different sets and shoots. Some ridiculous, like come cologne add with a shirtless cowboy and some majestic, like a mermaid photoshoot.

“Before we start,” the agent stopped suddenly causing you to stumble, but you quickly picked yourself back up and you rose your eyebrow at her.

“My client is a bit…moody. He is beautiful and capable of anything you throw at him, but because of his…attitude…you have to be hard and confident. He admires that.”

She smiled at you like what she had just said was normal, then continued walking.

You no longer wanted to look at the other shoots, now trying to muster up as much confidence and professionalism as you could. What did she mean moody?! You groaned internally, regretting getting out of bed and putting on jeans for the first time in weeks.

“All right! Here we are. Bakugou! Meet your new photographer! She’s the one I was talking about the whole way here, I mean she is just incredible and-“

Suddenly, all the air got punched out of your lungs. That was him. That was the bad kisser that you made out with for an hour and a half at that stupid party! God you hated alcohol, why did you even go?! Why are you even here?! You should run, you should run as fast as you can and never come back.

Instead, you swallowed back your emotions and stuck your hand out, flashing a smile that you hoped didn’t make you look like you’re constipated.

If he recognized you, he didn’t make it obvious, although there was a slight twitch in his left eye, something you remember him doing when you lowered your hand down his stomach and down his-

“Pleasure to meet you! I’m excited to have the opportunity to work with you.”

He kept our eye contact, which both made you uncomfortable and a little excited. He was wearing a tight black shirt that had a slight v-neck, hickeys being showcased beautifully on his skin. You now remembered why you jumped him in the first place, that fire in his eye, beautifully sculpted muscles, a jawline that could kill, and those prominent lips that made you want to pull him close all over again. No wonder he’s a model he’s fucking perfect.

He hesitated before taking your hand in his, shaking it slightly, giving you a brief flashback of those very hands on your waist just two nights ago.

“Yeah, can’t fucking wait.”

You couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not, but instead of lingering on the moment you let go of his hand first, and turned your body to the agent again.

“I have all of my equipment with me, so just give me a second to set up and we can start!”

The agent beamed at you once more before running to get the rest of the crew. You shot a quick glance at Bakugou before smiling gently and walking away. You didn’t want to look at him long for too long, scared you might get too distracted. You were here for a reason, you had to be confident and most importantly professional. You’ve worked with hundreds of models, he wasn’t any different.

You’ve been in the photography game since you were 15, slowly building up your skills. You had done so many graduation photos, weddings, family pictures, and that was all before you were 18. By the time you graduated high school you had enough money to leave your home town and start going to a college that fit you just right in LA. That’s how you met Hitoshi, and through him all the rest of your friends. Ever since then you’ve been slowly building up your career and you have a newfound pride in yourself. Not a lot of people are lucky enough to be in a stable career they love in their early 20’s.

You bent over to plug in the last wire, before turning back around to find Bakugou’s agent. Cursing when you realized you didn’t see her, your eyes quickly found Bakugou, who was looking at himself in the mirror fixing his hair. You sucked in a breath and quickly walked over to where he was standing. You lean on the desk to catch his attention, and thankfully he seemed to stop what he was doing and turned his body towards yours.

“What’s you agent’s name?”

He stared at you for an uncomfortable amount of time before he grunted, looking away.

“Some professional, can’t even remember your fucking client’s name.”

You cocked an eyebrow at him, crossing your arms to show you didn’t appreciate his answer.

“I’m gonna ask you again. What is your agent’s name.”

That seemed to do the trick, because he looked back into your gaze, almost challenging you. You kept your stare, having years of staring contests with Hitoshi up your sleeve. However, you were taken aback when he smirked, causing you to glance at his lips for a split moment before returning back to your stance.

“Allison Marks, now don’t forget that.”

You smiled politely and uncrossed your arms.

“Oh I won’t, even when i’m drunk I always seem to remember things when it comes to you.”

You chuckled, watching a small blush creep on the tips of his ears, before he rolled his eyes looking away.

“Damn right, no one could forget me in a million years.”

You scoffed, starting to walk away from him, but he grabbed your hand before you could fully leave.

“And L/N, don’t get too distracted, we have a job to do.”

His face was neutral but his eyes told you everything you needed to know. His eyes was clouded with confidence and lust, leaving your brain to wonder back to that night again.

He let go chuckling and you walked off in a trance.

Fuck. This was gonna be a lot harder than you thought.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

gold rush

hello my dearest followers/readers! if you’re just now reading this welcome to Wildest Dreams, the Model!Bakugou Katsuki x Photographer!Reader, and if you’re coming back oh boy did i have fun writing this😈

i literally haven’t posted fan fiction since my watt pad days, whew. also ummmm i didnt proof read this so…have fun with that…love you!!!

fun facts! ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

- no matter the gender y/n always says “yes ma’am” in response so someone asking her to do smth (unless the other person is uncomfortable)

- i got the idea of the blood disorder bc my sister has smth similar so i know a bit abt it, however do not be scared to correct me or tell me any information about the disorder!

- can u tell idk what a studio unit thingy looks like😀😀😀no like all i can think about is those scenes in New Girl back when Cece was a model and they showed where she worked…that’s it

- sho used to be SUCH a dry texter but after a couple of years the gang got him to be more expressive and energetic

- the convo at the beginning of katsuki’s texts is actually inspired by a real convo my friends had 🤭

←Prev┊˚✧ ┊ Next→

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ updates every wednesday and sunday! happy wildest dreams wednesday ✧.*

·˚ ༘₊· ͟͟͞͞꒰➳ TAGLIST IS OPEN just message or comment: @iiilovemilfs @0anodite0 @bakugouswh0r3 @amethyst123 @nijirosz @bakugoukatsukiwifiu @allnamesredacted @ch3rryhaze @ectoplasmictoast @cathwritestragediesnotsins

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nerves-nebula · 8 months

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"the actors don't like the ship it makes them uncomfortable!" yeah that does not and never has mattered. they're actors. they act as characters. they are not the characters themselves, they do not have a say in how you think of or portray the characters they act as. this is not real person fanfiction. Alex is just a homophobic creep.

anyway after talking to my friend i've decided to just tell you guys. the series i hate is The Mandela Catalogue. it's so shit. absolute garbage. Plays into every ableist trope in the book.

If you try to analyze the way characters are coded to be scary or creepy or "inhuman" it's 99% of the time just them being disabled or neurodivergent or some other marginalized identity.

the fascist undertones of the series are incredibly evident, from the stranger-danger propaganda being given at face value with no commentary on how fucked up it is to just say it's reasonable for you to shoot someone you think is an alternate/looks weird (are white people not aware of all the poc and disabled people who get shot and attacked cuz their existence is seen as threatening?)

the public announcement shit is literally fear mongering except it's in universe proven to be correct because the universe alex has created is an inherently fascist one where innocent white Christians and their innocent white children are under attack from Real Demons (where have i heard that one before)

the THINK principles are akin to a cults guideline. how is the scary thing here that there are weird looking people out there that will Say Scary Shit to you (the idea of an Unknowable Truth as it's alluded to in tmc is bullshit and one of the dumbest Monster powers I've ever heard of) instead of the fact that society is gonna collapse because this shit will make people paranoid as hell, and start shooting their neighbors. But no, that would make it a GOOD series with something INTERESTING to say.

OH and the fact that the enemies in the series are somehow supposed to Look Just Like You (they could be anyone!!) but also look biologically impossible (so many of the alternates + The intruder just look like disabled or disfigured people put through a scary filter)

and hey, while we're here, can we think of any other examples of tropes in media in which all of these apply to The Enemy?

looks very similar to REAL humans, so much so that they could fool you into thinking they ARE one! and yet are also somehow inherently biologically different in a way you are capable of figuring out just by looking at them.

has dark beady eyes and a hooked/big/prominent nose (thinking of the intruder specifically here)

Kidnaps your children for their own nefarious means (blood libel)

Kidnaps/corrupts your children by controlling the media/technology/TV screens.

Desire world domination/is part of some big conspiracy stretching far into the past

Guilty for the death (or in this instance possibly the replacement of) Jesus Christ

depicted as literal demons

Hint! it's antisemitism! it's always fucking antisemitism!!! Coming from a man who's main source of inspiration is his Christianity & mental health issues (though he doesn't seem to mind demonizing the symptoms of mental illnesses he hasn't had personal experience with) i'm not surprised! Though I am disappointed, because he supposedly wants to be a writer, and he doesn't seem very aware of any of the tropes he's propagating. like c'mon man, i thought you liked literature.

I could make another list exactly like that one but for ableism, but if i committed that hard then we'd be here all day.

Alex has even started using words like Degenerate/Degeneration in promotional material too (which if you know anything about fascist rhetoric is a bad sign) not to mention his weird behavior around queer headcanons/shipping and his tendency to mock people who read queer subtext into his work.

The only good things that come from the mandela catalogue are from the fandom but even the fandom can't stop talking about how SUBVERSIVE and UNIQUE it is when it's literally just regurgitated reactionary talking points. The fandom also loves reinforcing Alex's weird ass "no gay shipping" mandate.

like, he clearly doesn't mind the inclusion of romances. Adam had a girlfriend. what he says he minds is "sexualization" which just so happens to include every instance of two male characters looking at each other or holding hands (because being gay is inherently sexual to him, which is homophobic btw. not a "boundary")

i could write essays about how every little single aspect of this series is, thematically speaking, dogshit garbage which appeals to the majority and barely admits the rest of us exist (which i wouldnt even care about so much if people didn't act like this series was at all unique or subversive)

I've talked for fucking hours about how every time i think it can't get any worse it somehow does. i've barely touched on the ableism here, haven't even mentioned the racism OR how all the female characters are defined by their relations to the male characters.

ALL THIS. ALL THIS!!! And all you see about it is praise praise PRAISE. but guys. it's just BAD.

side note: if this post makes you feel the need to tell me why it's actually good: don't! i really dont care if you like it, good for you i guess. as far as i'm concerned the fans of it are the best part of the whole damn series (to be clear the fandom has its own problem but even then. it's generally fine) but it is NOT good source material.

#nnstuff #hateful webseries

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dallasurr · 8 months

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i feel so hurt and upset about Simon he needed to heal too

i can't sleep at night sometimes

I know this is so random but i don't care i feel so hurt by the idea of everyone healing but him dead and bound to be forgetten. .. i want him feel good i want to get him out of there.

I've said this before but as much as I'd like to see the series to its planned end, I'm not that unhappy about not getting season 5. It would be really hard for me to see Amelia get a redemption or her exit when she went on the train as a fully mature adult in her 30s, and did wayyyy worse things than Simon did. Although she was mentally unstable at the time she got on the train, it doesn't seem like she had a history of mental illness before Alrick died.

What Simon did to Grace and Hazel was fucked up, I can wrap my head around his justification for killing Tuba and I'm not the person to debate about this bc I straight up didn't like Tuba. She went out of her way to kidnap and scare Grace and Simon, who would have probably found the exit to the car and went on their way the next day without her interference, and I'm of the opinion that she put both herself and Hazel in danger with her little prank. I know we wouldn't have a story without it, and it doesn't justify her death, but literally from their first interaction she showed Simon she can be hostile and dangerous. And while she warmed up to Grace (according to Grace lol I didn't see much friendly interaction between them at all, just Grace enjoying/admiring the way she interacted with Hazel), Simon always got attitude from her, I can't blame him for not warming up to her.

Simon might have been 18 at the time of his season but let's be honest, both he and Grace were very immature and justifiably so. They only had each other and their delusions for years and years before they became guardians themselves. The train has proven itself to be dangerous, and proved how high the stakes are when he died, but people act like he was a fucking monster for doing what he thought he needed to protect himself, grace and hazel from a perceived threat. He could have been a little more tactful with explaining what happened, or lied about it, but like tbh as a neurodivergent person myself who sees Simon as someone who is on the autism spectrum, I REALLY struggle with lying and deceiving people so I can understand why he just blurted out the truth without any thought.

I do think one of the most irredeemable things he did was dehumanize Grace and trap her in her memories, whether or not he knew it could kill her (I assume he didn't bc the Cat as usual didn't explain shit to him) the way he pushed her over and walks away makes me nauseous.

But I certainly don't think he deserved to die for that, and I think the series would have been a lot better if instead of kicking her off the train again (which at this point in the scene felt kind of slapstick i'm ngl), Simon finally broke out of his paranoid and delusional thought patterns and they were able to drag everyone back into the mall car for a heart to heart.

In my head in episodes 9 and 10 he's a lot like Catra in The Portal episodes, but instead of getting 2 more seasons after his fall from grace (lol) to recover and heal and fix his issues, he just got killed instead.

And it sucks because dude was clearly mentally ill and traumatized, and as someone who has mental illness and trauma that can make me act out sometimes too, who also struggles to read the room and understand what people want from me if they don't tell me directly, who ALSO had parents that didn't have my best interests as even a consideration to whatever they could gain from me, it kind of reinforces my anxiety which tells me that I deserve to suffer because of x y z stupid thing I did or said 5, 10, even 20 years ago.

(and before anyone says simon had all the chances to change and grow that grace did, please rewatch the season, he absolutely did not and all of the events that led to grace growing as a person happened when simon wasn't around, yes he was immature in a lot of moments but dude literally did not have a normal adolescence and to expect him to act like a fucking adult all the time after that is ridiculous)

#infinity train #simon laurent #i'm not debating this so don't waste ur time lmao

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whovianderson · 8 months

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(TW) A very overly personal discussion of Mulder’s suicidality in Redux

Despite Mulder ending up faking his suicide, I immediately picked up on the implication that he was close to killing himself before the phone rang.

(Side note, but I’m virulently opposed to how they used this for shock value. Suicide should not be written as a cliffhanger. It is a serious issue that ruins lives, my family’s included, and not a writing device.)

Anyway, I don’t think this attempt is in character for Mulder.

Namely, he would never do that to Scully. A huge part of the reason he’s distressed at all is because he feels responsible for Scully dying. If he killed himself, Scully would know that, and would subsequently blame herself. He would effectively be making her feel responsible for his death in the way that he feels responsible for hers. Maybe I’m biased by my experiences, but he has to know that he’d be hurting her more if he did this. That’s why I was so relieved to discover that there was never a moment that Scully thought he did kill himself, because I know the horrifying emotions she would be experiencing in that position. This storyline reminded me of what it’s like to experience those emotions. It also made me think about what the people I love feel when they are suicidal, which in itself was distressing.

I’m aware that this is a very sensitive topic, and I hope this doesn’t come across badly. I know (from my own personal experience) that when one is in such a state, one doesn’t have the capacity to think of other people. I am by no means blaming Mulder, or anyone else who deals with mental illness as I do, for its effects on others. Mental illness is not a choice, and therefore can’t be blameworthy. Neither can one rationalise with mental illness, because it doesn’t make sense, so I’m not going to try.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that from Mulder’s entire characterisation so far, his love for Scully transcends everything. He has proven time and time again that he cares about her more than he cares about himself. I don’t think he would risk putting her in a position where she could feel any guilt for his death, when such guilt is literally why he wants to die. She is dying already. He wouldn’t want to infuse her last moments with guilt in that way.

I don’t deny the fact that Mulder’s entire life has been turned on its head, and that’s had a huge impact on his mental state. I’ve written about this in other posts, but the strategies he developed to cope with his trauma and grief have suddenly been taken away from him. On top of this, the fact that he indulged in those coping strategies for so long has fatally harmed the person he loves most. It would be enough to make anyone feel this way.

I know firsthand what it’s like to hold yourself responsible for someone else’s life, what it feels like to believe that you are killing somebody. I can’t begin to describe how awful it is. To this day, I feel so guilty about not being able to fix other people’s struggles that it drives me to some very, very dark places to try and reverse the roles. So trust me, I understand where Mulder is coming from, and this episode is yet another way he is an extremely relatable character to me.

Perhaps I am being contrived for the sake of relating to Mulder, perhaps I am in denial. It’s hard to say. Overall, as a fandom, I think we need to treat all interpretations of this scene with respect - particularly because it’s such a difficult subject for so many of us.

Sorry, that was very self-indulgent. I just needed to write my thoughts out in order to be able to continue to enjoy the show that has brought me so much joy.

I’ve already started watching Redux II, and it has helped me so much! Mulder had found a productive way to help Scully, one that isn’t self-destructive. That’s what I aspire to achieve on my healing journey. He was also so happy to see Scully when he visited her in hospital, which made me emotional. He’s decided to savour the time he has left with her instead, because being present for the people you love is the most important thing, even if you can’t save them.

I’m so, so grateful for The X-Files. Not long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to watch the show because of this. Instead, the inclusion of this plot line has enabled me to challenge my biggest trigger, and rewarded me with the continued enjoyment of something I love with my whole heart. Recovery is possible, and this has shown me that I’m now one step closer!

#I had a whole breakthrough with my mental health while writing this post lmao #had to take a quick break to write an email to my therapist #tw suicide #tw discussion of suicide #whoops I trauma dumped again #pip watches txf for the first time and goes insane #5x01 #redux #the x-files

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48787 · 2 months

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I am literally always correct about media

Three episodes into Bravern.

I saw the first episode, not even, the first fucking MOMENT it said "This is a training exercise" I knew, I fucking KNEW, I was in for the Evangelion Rebuild 0.00 You Do (Not) Want To Watch Evangelion experience. And my Brothers in Shinji Ikari's goop, I'm ignoring that parenthetical because thesis never exist in the first place, and parents never exist in the first place, it's all just the complete and constant Holy Trinity of living in the present for the present. And oh boy that Angel sure is Cruel.

If you don't think I'm speaking "Truth" you need to realize two things about me:

1. I've seen footage. They've shown us so much, and broke show-don't-tell DELIBERATELY multiple times to address the immediate concern that the audience should be asking IMMEDIATELY if they've seen the same footage as well (Like how it obviously has a 1 to 1 Evangelion LCL bit but it's green and referenced as "From The Abyss" doing that absolutely devilish charm of manipulating by never telling lies, only different truths, further proven by "Wait how do you know about that?" Or how the outro is clearly on a stage but then it almost tears or blurs into stars. You fuckers remember MyHouse.wad right?? You know this shit means something, right??) Or the invocation of very very very specific tropes followed by another very very very specific trope, or the deliberate subversion of trope followed by a character deliberately trying to force the trope out of subversion into genuinity. Many such cases, too many to list. I've just seen footage and I don't know how people don't see the fucking massive amount of narrative foils-per-minute, both within the show and connecting outside the show. The Evangelion shit is easy, it goes far deeper than that. (A good example is how they were clearly invoking starship troopers-y Earth patriotism and then subverted SST by the mixing of genders in a changing room seeming awkward and like it's not supposed to happen but happening anyway to form an extremely subtle juxtaposition.)

2. I stay noided. Every fucking subtle change of the framing device, of a characters features (Like in the outro alongside choice moments in the show, similar to the effect Cyberpunk Edgerunners that I can first remember coming from Evangelion), the minor moments of nonfalsifiability, the constant IN CHARACTER "Don't think about it just do it my way and it'll be okay" explanations that only rhetoric-obsessed mentally ill person like me would understand (Followed by things that only make sense if you knew what to look for), the fact that the intros and outros are literal propaganda that the audience WANTS to buy into (I believe representing the passion the fucking love hypercube evokes and each member experiences uniquely), the consistency of certain stylistic choices (Like conflating the stars and crosses to focus on Evangelion just a little more), the deliberate choice to use an entirely new stylistic transition or in between just to pretend like it wasn't anything important at all, it all MUST have meaning. The whole POINT is the power of inspiration and the neutrality of power being two coexisting ideas. The clothing metaphors, the masking metaphors, the gay metaphors that form subtle trans metaphors that form certain asexual-aromantic-agender metaphors, the literal fucking AT fields that are broken by vulnerability. Lewis (The current parallel to Bravern) loses but chooses what's cool so he can try it better next. Ishami (The current parallel to Lulu.. not Vi Brittania I swear, absolutely zero connection at all, tooooootally) is more "serious" but far more vulnerable and has his masks broken down.

They're fucking in a love triangle but tricked you it's actually a fucking square that's been folded so the corners are touching. Which corners are touching which? Good question asshole, it's all of them.

Someone thought "the MegOp ship is pretty cool. If they weren't around would it be Hotrod/Rodimus and Soundwave instead? They are kind of thematic opposites to both their normal foils anyway." and then made a whole show about that after everyone who ever heard that either didn't see enough footage or couldn't stay noided long enough to realize what a genius they were. And since no one understood just how much context builds up to even being able to think that in the first place, they just made the perfect show about manufacturing consent. For what? Literally anything and everything, including nothing.

I know exactly how fucked up the polycule formed when a mortal dares to ask "What if the three parts of the Holy Trinity, like, kissed and fucked and made out?" would be because I dare to ask it constantly, I am living it, we all are. It's the Divine Comedy, it is hell, it is chicken it is eggs it is in between your legs (10 points if you've seen enough footage to get this), and above all else it's hot as fuck and makes me want to never give up and live forever, no matter who you are no matter what you love doing.

I love this fucking show, I can't wait to finish it so I can be proven right on all accounts.

Y'all dumb motherfuckers keep refusing to understand Evangelion, your hubris makes you think you're somehow above Shinji, that you'd be different if you were put in his shoes. And that will always mean people like Lulu and Bravern will always exploit you for the love of doing it.

I have so many thoughts about this show and they're all right and if you think a single one of them is wrong you will literally be proven wrong because I will always be right, in time and out of time.

Maybe the next post or two will be more coherent since I'm taking a break, but I should actually finish the show first so I can gloat even harder about being objectively correct about everything in the universe ever.

#yippie peace through tyranny!!#till all are one.#i love that my wife keeps showing me shows that are just us and our poggers perfect mentally ill relationship #you all are just fucking pawns in our Bravern Lulu super swingers adventure #but in saying that we are pawns in their game too! which is fine because i love games #I'm tired but also there's so much to get into

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timeoverload · 2 months

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Well I have a lot to say at the moment. I have had the itch to write this all day but I couldn't because I was very busy at work. First of all, I apologize for my antics the past week. I'm still a little upset about what happened yesterday but I realize that some of that was my fault. Maybe I'm not being patient enough. I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's day. I'm definitely not as angry as I was last week and I was in a great mood all day despite being extremely stressed.

I was such a mess yesterday. I was so uncomfortable and I really don't want to go out by myself again. I wish I enjoyed doing that but I never have. I guess that's just the way I am. I was really looking forward to seeing you but I understand why you weren't there. I'm not planning on responding to any more indirect requests from anyone asking me to show up somewhere. I'm not going to keep subjecting myself to that anxiety if nothing is going to come out of it. I think I should have proven myself by now.

Another thing that triggered me while I was there was seeing someone that I used to be close to. There was a guy I went to high school with in one of the bands that played and we were good friends for a while. We had a very brief fling but literally nothing ever happened between us because I was acting psycho and that lead to the end of our friendship. It was definitely for the best because I treated him very poorly even though he was very kind to me. I knew that he wasn't the one for me. It seems like he is doing well now and I am happy for him. I don't think he recognized me but that's ok with me. Seeing him reminded me of how terrible I was in high school and I don't think I realized at the time how crazy I was acting. It brought back a lot of bad memories. He isn't the only person I acted that way towards. I was such an asshole and I did a lot of crazy shit back then that I would never do now. I'm not surprised that I don't have any friends left from high school.

I had a tough time keeping friends back then because of my behavior too. I was going through a lot of traumatic shit so that didn't help. I also used to be more of a risk taker too but I think a lot of that was due to mania. I didn't make the best decisions. I can't blame everything on my mental illness but it didn't help that I was not properly medicated for that until I was 24 or 25. I'm really surprised that I only got in trouble once in high school and it was for smoking cigarettes. I got pretty lucky I think. I have learned a lot since then and I think that I'm a much better person than I used to be.

Anyway, I also drank too much too quickly yesterday without eating so that was a stupid decision. I was fine though and I didn't throw up so I'm happy about that. I don't remember the drive home but I didn't have any issues. I'm glad it wasn't dark outside. I am never doing that again and I feel horrible about it since that is against my morals. It is very irresponsible. I know better and it was still scary.

I remember my mom driving drunk with me in the car all the time when I was a teenager. She would pick me up after school and she would usually be late because she had already been drinking or was hungover. Almost every day she would stop at walmart when we were on our way home so she could buy more $3 garbage wine. Then when we got home, I had to help watch my brother and sister and help with dinner so she could go sit in the garage. She would sit out there for hours and talk to herself while she was chain smoking and drinking. She would usually have at least 1 bottle of wine every night. I remember she would go to the bar at night and drive home drunk frequently. She hit mailboxes and other unknown things with her car. I remember waking up in the morning and looking out my window to check to see if she had parked in the yard again because it happened several times. We lived in a pretty nice neighborhood so that looked really bad. She got several DUI's and I'm thankful she never hurt anyone. I'm glad she doesn't have a car now because she can't be trusted with one. I don't want to end up like her but I also know I wouldn't let myself get to that point. I also lost a friend I met in high school because she was on her boyfriend's motorcycle with him and he was drunk and they got in an accident. He lived but she didn't and it was very sad. She was such a sweet person and I'm glad I got to spend time with her. It's hard for me to think about.

After I got home last night, I didn't drink that much more and I ate some food. I didn't want to do anything otherwise. I had no interest in being on the computer. I was upset and not in the right state of mind to be on here. I wanted to watch tv because I haven't in a long time so that's what I did. It was nice. I wanted to distract myself because I was not looking forward to today.

There were 75 cases all together on our side of the hospital. There was a lot going on. I had 16 cases this morning and 15 in the afternoon. There was a 45 minute delay around lunch time because there was an issue with the disposable sterile supply packs that come from the manufacturer. I'm not exactly sure what happened but it messed up the rest of the day and we were extremely behind. It was exhausting trying to catch up after that. The last case didn't get done until 6:20 so I didn't get out of there until 6:45. I was there 12 hours because I got there early this morning too. I think that tomorrow will be slower so that's good.

I am glad that I have Wednesday off but I'm also very anxious about it. I'm not going to be able to sleep in but I'm sure I will need a nap afterward so I should have time to do that. I am still looking forward to seeing you even though things haven't been going well recently. I know we will figure stuff out eventually and I need to stop worrying so much. Everything will be ok. I love you. 💖💖💖

I have been writing a long time and I know I'm going to continue going on tangents if I don't stop. I'm not going to have much time to relax tonight because I still have stuff to do. My right eye is also bothering me again too so I need to give it a break. I'm not sure why it hurts so bad and it has felt like something is in it all day. I have been wearing mascara more often so maybe that's the issue. Hopefully it feels better in the morning. I just ate dinner and now I have to get ready for bed. I really hope tomorrow is a better day.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too!!! :) Thank you for listening to me. 💖💖💖

#personal

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lovelyrotter · 5 months

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yknow i think the thing ppl dont get about ult dirk is that everything that man does in the epilogues is fueled by self harm. i mean he literally kills himself in candy, and then makes a point to PERMANENTLY distance himself from everyone he loves, in particular jake and dave.

dirk breaks things off with jake in the most dramatic way possible to 1) manufacture a dramatic narrative quite literally for the reader, bc hes aware of the reader (us) as the narrator, and 2) cement the hurt in both jake and himself so its 'too late' for them. hes like a hurt cat, he just claws at people sometimes, even if his people are treating him so gently. sometimes gentle is whats scary.

the reason he looks forward to the day dave takes his head off again is because he still thinks he deserves a just death. this is proven by his perma death in candy. he thinks so fuckin lowly of himself post-game that it IS just as decreed by himself. he wants dave to enact vengeance so badly, even after the striunion. even after dave already had to take his head off once before. bro strider haunts him, and you can see this in the way he memes about it (the fuckin dakimakura in his gay space bedroom. his room is so so gay /pos)

the baked-in shit that dirk has in his brain doesnt just vanish. even surrounded by loved ones, it doesnt just vanish. and dirk's various mental illnesses combined with his heart powers? you fuckin bet hes gonna take that to finally destroy himself and the image of himself in the minds of his loved ones.

its very literally the BPD/EUPD mood of "i'm going to do the things i'm scared of doing so i can be right and also punish myself for the perceived 'inherent badness' in me. i dont deserve you, so i'm going to push you away". its ELEMENTARY and imo very in-character for a grown up version of the nervous 16y/o who had the literal worst fuckin day-and-a-half imaginable right before the final fight

dirk is someone who believes he deserves scorn, criticism, and isolation, even though he CRAVES love and validation and acceptance. he wants to help, but his way of helping (taking control of a situation) scares him. dirks biggest fear is himself. if 16y/o dirk met ult dirk he'd be terrified, and then eventually create his self-fulfilling prophecy. as we see in pesterquest actually

#my t #my sources? ive loved a fictive in my partner system for 11yrs #and also i just fundamentally understand how mental illness works. specifically this one #HS has a very realistic approach to things like mental illness and also effects of propaganda and abuse #where things dont just vanish after the good end #hs characters need to actively work on their shit #and none of them got the chance to after they crossed over to earth c #which i think is FUCKIN BRILLIANT #they had to raise themselves ofc they have no sense of mental health care and deprogramming from fascist propaganda!!!!

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evilichu · 7 months

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i came up with the idea of having my best friend block me whenever i get emotional.

i rely on him too much, and i feel like i'm borderline abusing him with everything i put on him. he's my favorite person still and whenever i start to feel anything i feel the need to text him, to ask for comfort, to vent, trauma dump, all of that. and i also have splitting episodes where i think i could be very nasty to him for no reason (i mean at the time i do have my reasons)

so the blocking prevents that.

and i know it was my idea, but i guess a part of me can't believe it happens. i guess i wish he said no, i wish he would want to stay with me when things are going south. i mean, what do i expect from the same guy who broke up with me for being mentally ill? of course he doesn't want to deal with this.

but he says he's my friend, and he acts like he's genuinely concerned. so where does that concern go when i start spewing dysfunctional thoughts? why doesn't he care that he's basically leaving me on my own, when that has proven to be a bad idea? and he textes me "okay. please don't hurt yourself. good night" like bro???? i have literally abandonment issues and i'm putting up with it for you, so don't ask shit from me

i feel so lonely. i wonder if i'll ever find someone to care for me and not see me as a burden.

and fuck, i know it's unfair to expect him to care for me constantly. i just don't know. it all makes me feel so shitty and i wish it didn't. i wish i was a normal person with normal thoughts and healthy relationships. don't we all?

i hate all of this back and forth of thinking it's the best for him to block me and then feeling absolutely devastated when he does. if i were normal i could be an actual good friend instead of this.

lucas: if you ever see this i'm guessing i'm dead. i'm really sorry that i put you through hell. you probably can tell that it was hard for me to make up my mind about something. i promise you i really tried to be a good friend.

#important people: lucas ☕︎︎#borderline blog #bpd diary #bpd life #actually bpd #bpd favorite person #issue: bpd ⛈️

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 1 year

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U dont have to respond to this if you feel its tmi or whatwver but ... I had an odd prophetic dream kind of moment recently , and its been makingme nervous. I had a dream that, Me, my father, and his girlfriend were being spied on/chased after by someone.. Something like that. It came completely out of the blue and i didnt think anything of it! then, that morning, i get a call from my father that hes in town , and that he has to tell me something urgently , and when we meet he tells me that .... For context, his girlfriend 's ex husband is a person with a lot of money and power. and tells me that He has been actively threatening them+has also been threatening my fathers daughter . And that I should be very careful because people like this are capable of everything. Just that night I was visiting the lost all hope website. Ive been in a very bad mental slum . This somehow really , idk, it felt real. It put my troubles aside , because what is happening is real and , there's something . Talking about my dream... I wish I could, and idk how to connect further with this side of myself. I wish i could somehow keep this spiritual feeling ? I really wish there was more things like this happwnign to me. and i know i need to seek them out. but idk how to do it. because im instead stuck in my own head... My father told me i should turn and talk to my spiritual teachers, and ask for them to guide me. I dont know how to go about it. I feel like I need something magical to happen. I really know very little about this stuff. On another note, and im rly sorry if this makes u nervous, ihad a dream tonight that something happened to pochita , and when I woke up i instantly went to ur blog to check on pochita .-.;; I know pochita will be ok though...

awh i am happy to answer this anon, i am happy u cld come to me about it. firstly i want to say i really hope you are ok, ill b praying for you and ur family anon. try to tell urself like a mantra, "no weapon formed against me shall prosper". try to create a feeling of safety in ur heart as u think/say it. envision your family being guarded by an angel army. people with money who use it for evil, they're the most doomed souls. they're living at the lowest frequency possible. you have power over them that u can utilize w your heartfelt prayers. now, as for the dreams: i believe that you may have experienced an ESP dream, picking up on the worries of ur father. its no coincidence, im telling you! from what u psychically were picking up, your dream may have provided a scenario thats priming u to handle this predicament. it shows great sensitivity to be able to not only facilitate an esp dream, but to recall it and apply it to real life. you're on your way anon 🤍 more things like this can happen the more u open urself up to them. however, you cant force it! the more u try to force it, the more it'll repel itself. its hard to explain but.. prayer and study will open up more avenues. listen to whats happening in the back of ur mind. for me, i actually have way more prophetic visions in waking life than in dreams. it took years to rly trust my intuition the way i do now, years of constantly having unusual hunches then being proven right. its a lifelong journey, look forward to it~ ur father is right, ask your guides or angels or whoever, ask them to show u the next step. the magic is all around u, its in the small things, try to notice them and dont ever write anything off as coincidence. thats my advice.. and as for your dream of pochita, i appreciate yr concern ;w; the thing w dream interpretation is, altho u get the occasional prophecy coming thru, most dreams are not meant to be taken too literally. i suspect it was a stress dream and since pochita's injury has been on people's minds lately, ur dream was using her to symbolize something in ur subconscious. she's doing just fine laying at my feet as i type this 🤍 thanku for caring her 🤍 u seem like a sweetheart and i pray for ur family's safety. dont give up hope anon. there are miracles in your future!!!!!!!!!

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friesian · 2 years

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💀

All of the fruity men

💀 Has your OC ever lost anyone to death? Multiple people? People close to them? How does the loss make them feel?

GOOD GOD THAT'S A LOT OF MEN. i'll do my best to cover a good handful of them.

MARWYD: yes. oh man. you know the commander. everyone is just dying left and right! trahearne was the biggest one, and he was NOT having him not having a funeral. he was mentally ill before, but by god did that make it 100% WORSE. mostly angry is all he felt. he was REALLY mad, still is, sorta-- but tends to just beat up canach now instead of anyone in radius.

TIYRNAN: also lost trahearne, and his 'family' (if you would call the other firstborne sylvari a family). otherwise he hasn't really connected with anyone else to really lose them. he's killed countless times by now. it's literally whatever for him. just don't bring up the trahearne thing then he tends to get very murderous!!!!

GYAEL: he isn't one for making friends, at least, none that one benefit him. he considers aiyndreas his closest friend and by god if anything happened to him he'd fucking explode and have a nervous breakdown. otherwise, no, he hasn't lost anyone who's mattered. yet.

AIYNDREAS: due to being such a shut in, no! he's VERY sheltered and reserved, now that he's on the field he's seen his fair share of death, however, and it FREAKS HIM OUT. hasn't lost anyone close.... yet.

LONG XUE: a whole family of sylvari were cut down, leaving only him. he's also INCREDIBLY angry and quiet about it. i think he'd break someone's hand for looking at him wrong. otherwise, he's not a talker. he's a doer. and honestly he's itching for a reason to grab his blade.

PENBROOKE: numerous criminal comrades. canach is the only person from an original troupe of criminals he hasn't lost, thus making him incredibly protective of him. he's a great bodyguard for that reason and is intensely vigilant as to not let what happened to everyone else happen to canach.

BYTHORNE: NUMEROUS old courtier buddies. friends. people he'd consider family. murdered by his own hands nonetheless! he's quiet, reserved, and doesn't speak unless spoken to. he's got a far off distant stare and doesn't like to talk about anything anymore.

QUINNTYN: he lost all of dragon's watch in his timeline. so. he's... odd. he's incredibly rigid and isn't flexible in the slightest. schedules, numbers, and math has never failed him, and thus, he trusts things that are proven to work and have worked before. he sticks to what he knows now, and never takes a chance.

THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. i probably forgot some folks. but a fast handful of fruits get as much as i can think of!!!

#I LOVE ALL MY FRUIT :)

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anyroads · 1 year

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I mean, I don't even know where to start. He was such a huge influence on me. His post-9/11 speech on TDS changed the literal course of my life. I can still recite Unleavened by heart. I got to work with him at one point and it was the most exciting experience of my life up until that point.

And I watched this interview this morning and all I could think was,

"Shut the fuck up, Jon Stewart."

More than what this excellent Kveller piece covers, he didn't just downplay antisemitism. He offered a non-solution while proposing that bigots continue to have a platform. He completely avoided the subject of Chappelle's transphobia and sexism. Really, he shouldn't have been asked to talk about it in the first place, if he's unable to separate Dave Chappelle the performer from Dave, his buddy. You can't give your objective thoughts on antisemitism in public discourse if your opinions on the offenders in question are unavoidably subjective.

I appreciate the empathy in bringing up the idea of "hurt people hurt people" but as the author of this piece points out, some bigots won't change their perspectives because they aren't capable of viewing their targets with empathy. More than this, the kind of hurt Stewart is talking about - Kanye West and Dave Chappelle - is rooted in trauma and mental illness. You can't talk it away, it requires therapy, possibly medication, and the willingness to engage with both and do the necessary work. Slapping an empathetic aphorysm on it avoids the problem and is ableist in its unwillingness to confront the needs of people with much more complex issues than feeling hurt.

As to the idea of censorship, I think it needs to be stated clearly that denying bigots a platform is not censorship. It has been proven time and time again that when public figures espouse bigotry it leads to physical harm of the targeted group. Statistics say that hate crimes will increase, and it makes sense. If I punch a guy on the street, I get arrested, or at the very least detained, and have certain rights and freedoms revoked. I have endangered someone else's safety and this has consequences. When Dave Chappelle goes on SNL and actively and deliberately makes antisemitic jokes (which was, according to rumor, a different set than he'd done during dress rehearsal, ie. he knew exactly what he was doing), experience shows that someone will get hurt because of it. This is the same effect people have spoken out about after his transphobic performances. He is emboldening the people in the comments sections Stewart refers to, to back up their internet rants with physical action. Taking away someone's platform is not about silencing them, but about protecting those they chose to pose a threat to.

"Let's talk it out" is a vague response with no real applicable plan of action. It is also not mutually exclusive with, "let's put down that microphone/twitter/instagram livestream/etc. until we understand what we're doing and re-evaluate whether you're safe enough for it."

And sidebar? I'm really fucking tired of people like Dave Chappelle being handed a platform and given a free pass for hate speech by people who are his friends or grew up idolizing him. While I absolutely think that his comedy is much more complex than "is he bigoted or not" and there's a lot to discuss around it (the history of his work and him as a public figure), he is also clearly undeserving of any stage as long as he uses it as a platform to fuel misogyny, transphobia, and antisemitism.

Anyway. I'm both disappointed in Stewart and not surprised. Very tired of Jews who live in large American cities with sturdy Jewish populations who forget that not every Jewish person lives in a place surrounded by their own culture. While someone like Jon Stewart goes to work with his mostly Jewish staff (secular or not), passing ten bagel places on the way, a lot of Jews live in cities where they get a single shelf in the supermarket for Passover (half of which is hanukah candles and bagels), and who have to use vacation days and tell their kids' schools they're sick just to observe holidays. Many Jews don't have the luxury of writing off antisemitism as no biggie, like Jon "ignore the Leibowitz, I decided to change my last name so it sounds less Jewy" Stewart.

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leela-small · 1 year

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Crimson and Clover

Chapter 7

Angst? In my fluff fic?? It’s more likely than you think!

Continue reading on AO3 or under the cut

It took Kenny a moment to realize where he was when he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times as his vision adjusted to the dimly-lit room, the only light source being the scarce rays of moonlight emanating from the small gap between the curtains. He was no stranger to waking up at the buttcrack of dawn in someone else’s house, but it took his brain a while to register his surroundings. He knew for a fact it wasn’t his room because he didn’t own curtains. Plus the sheets covering his body were too warm to be his.

His temporary amnesia quickly subsided once he turned his head and noticed the wispy platinum-blond locks mere inches away from his face. His sleepy frown instantly turned into a wide smile when he realized he was in his new favorite spot: Leo’s bed, their naked bodies flush against one another’s. His boyfriend was the picture of post-coital bliss as he snoozed peacefully, his gorgeous face almost glowing in the dim moonlight.

Kenny sighed through his nose, his heart swelling as he admired Leo’s beauty. Even after all this time, it still baffled him that Leo reciprocated his feelings; sometimes he had to literally pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. They had been together for almost a year and Kenny still couldn’t believe that someone as amazing as Leo actually agreed to date someone as plain and uninteresting as him. No matter how many times Leo would compliment him and assure him that he was being too hard on himself, their relationship still felt like a wonderful fantasy, one from which he never wanted to escape.

He snuggled closer to his boyfriend, wrapping an arm around his sleeping form as gently as he could so as not to disturb his slumber. His body was warm and inviting, the only movement coming from the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath he took. Kenny could feel himself begin to doze off as he basked in Leo’s heat, his sweet natural aroma invading his nostrils and sending him into a state of pure ecstasy.

His eyelids fluttered to a close once it became impossible to keep them open. As he awaited Morpheus’ sweet embrace, Kenny allowed his mind to wander, his thoughts ultimately landing on the memory of his and Leo’s first sexual encounter — the one memory he cherished the most out of all the ones they had together.

The perfect opportunity to consummate their relationship, as Leo liked to put it, took its sweet time to present itself, as neither the circumstances nor the setting were ever ideal. They had talked about it and agreed that the best place to have their first time together was Leo’s house. There was no way in hell Kenny was taking him back to the glorified construction site he called home, where the walls were thin enough for any passersby to hear them, and neither of them had enough money or nerve to rent a motel room for one night. And the face Leo made when Kenny casually suggested the one bathroom at school that no one used had been the closest the platinum blond had gotten to kicking him in the nuts, so he made a mental note to never bring that up again.

They finally got their chance five months into their relationship, when Leo’s grandmother suddenly fell ill. Stephen and Linda had to rush over and spend the weekend tending to her health. Any other parents would’ve taken their child with them, seeing as that could very well be the last time they would see their grandparent. But as it had been proven many, many times in the past, the Stotches were the farthest thing from regular parents; they were anal sticklers who cared more about their child’s academic progress than they did about what he actually wanted. And for once — and most likely the only time — Kenny was delighted that they were so strict, if it meant leaving Leo home alone for two whole days. He could’ve almost kissed Stephen’s feet for saving him from dying a slow, agonizing, blue-balls related death.

Leo had to actually beg his father to leave him home alone for the weekend. The man wanted to hire a babysitter for his sixteen-year-old son. Kenny didn’t know whether to laugh at Stephen’s stupidity or punch that untrusting douchebag in the face, although he very much preferred the latter. After much groveling and many promises to behave and keep up with his chores, Leo was ultimately allowed to spend the weekend on his own, provided he kept in touch and didn’t invite anyone in. Little had Stephen known that his son would be inviting someone in in more ways than one.

He could recall how nervous Leo was in vivid detail. The deep crimson blush on his cheeks had spread all the way up to his ears and, as he discovered not long afterwards, down to his shoulders. His stuttering got even worse, so much that he had barely been able to form a coherent sentence. Kenny had to make sure he was OK to proceed countless times, asking over and over again if he wanted to stop, and every single time he had assured him that he was good to go. At some point his repeated confirmation of consent must’ve gotten to him, because he flat-out yelled at him to ‘stop with the questions and get on with it’. He didn’t stutter once then, and Kenny had to bite his tongue to stop himself from laughing and killing the vibe.

The moment he’d held Leo in his arms, their naked bodies intertwined and lost in all the unbridled sensations resulting from their love for one another, Kenny knew beyond a shred of a doubt that he wanted to do that with him for the rest of his life. None of his previous sexual encounters could compare to how perfect his first time with Leo had been. He had heard before how sex always felt better when it was with someone you genuinely loved, but he had always believed that to be a steaming pile of bullshit. That day, after spending an afternoon basking in the purest elation that came from finally making Leo his in the biblical sense, he had been about ready to take that steaming pile of bullshit and eat it along with his words. If he had been unfortunate enough to die at that very moment, it would’ve been the happiest demise he could’ve ever asked for.

The funny thing about misfortune is that it seems to relish tarnishing one’s happiest moments. First times were no exception; Kenny knew this from experience. He would never forget his own first time, but not exclusively for the right reasons. He’ll mostly recall how the girl he had been seeing at the time had neglected to lock her bedroom door and her dog had waltzed right in, seemingly happy to stay and watch them in the throes of passion. She had tried to lighten the mood by making a joke about doing it doggy style, but for Kenny that had just been too distracting.

During his first time with Leo, the moment of misfortune came from a much more unwelcomed source — a call from his father. Kenny’s hands had been halfway down his boyfriend’s tight jeans when the blasted device started blaring, ultimately ruining the moment by flooding the room with Natasha Bedingfield’s ‘Pocketful of Sunshine’.

Leo had been quick to answer the call, but not before taking a second to compose himself so his father couldn’t hear just how breathless he was. As he reported back to his father on how his day had been thus far, Kenny had busied himself by kissing and nibbling at the sensitive spot on his neck which he knew drove him crazy. Leo had nudged him a couple of times, silently telling him to stop. At one point he had even caused him to jolt upward with a yelp, to which he had to lie to his father and tell him he had just stubbed his toe on the coffee table. When Kenny glanced up from his privileged position, not only had he noticed that Leo’s face was as red as a ripe tomato, but also that he was glaring daggers down at him, although seeming more embarrassed than angry at him. Kenny had simply smirked and nuzzled against Leo’s shoulder, eliciting a small gasp from the platinum blond.

The call took too long for Kenny’s liking; each passing second had felt like someone was sticking pins directly onto his taint. When he heard Leo finally begin to say goodbye to his father, he had to literally bury his face into one of his boyfriend’s many throw pillows to release a loud sigh without being heard. From where he had been lying, he had distinctly heard Stephen say something along the lines of ‘You must be bored to tears. Maybe you should’ve come with us. At least then you could find something fun to do.’. Kenny had been so fucking happy to have his face pressed against a velour pillow when he heard that, because the chuckle that had escaped from his lips was embarrassingly loud. Stephen was all the way in Virginia taking care of an old lady, while his son was being deflowered. It was no contest who had gotten the short end of the stick.

Once Leo finally hung up — and Kenny got over the intense urge to crush his phone with his bare hands — the rest of the afternoon had progressed exactly according to plan. And oh, what a wonderful afternoon it had been. Despite the initial interruption, Kenny couldn’t deny that had easily made it into the top three best moments of his entire life. The way their bodies moved in perfect sync, the way they fit together in the most sublime manner, the way it felt they completed each other immaculately; all of this had proved conclusively that he and Leo belonged in each other’s embrace. It was nothing short of a miraculous day.

From then on out, sneaking into the Stotches’ upper floor at ungodly hours became a part of Kenny’s daily routine. Every day he would climb the tree growing just outside their house, shimmy across the large branch that reached out towards Leo’s window and climb into his room as sneakily as possible. Every day he had to hear his boyfriend’s concerns about his preferred method for breaking and entering, but no matter how many times he had to be berated about how dangerous it was and how easily he could fall and break his neck — which did happen once, but he would never admit it — it was well worth it just to be with him again; to feel their bodies meld together and listen to the sweet symphony of moans that flowed from Leo’s lips.

Part of him was actually surprised that Leo’s parents hadn’t found that he had been coming over every evening to canoodle with their perfect angel. They had to be quiet as mice so Stephen and Linda remained blissfully unaware of their son’s new, not-so-innocent pastime, but every so often one of them was bound to slip — usually Leo, who was clearly the most vocal of the two. More often than not they had to freeze after hearing the telltale creak of the floorboards outside his bedroom, their palms firmly pressed against their respective mouths. Usually they just heard the toilet flush after a few moments and heavy footsteps going back down the hallway.

Most people would undoubtedly feel cheap if they were in Kenny’s metaphorical shoes, having to sneak in every night and scurry out at sunrise. But Kenny wasn’t most people; he was well aware of the circumstances surrounding his and Leo’s relationship, and he gladly accepted them. Stephen and Linda would never approve of them being together, and if they ever were to find out, Kenny didn’t even want to imagine what they would do to Leo. So if it meant protecting the person he most cherished in this world, he would gladly keep acting as the world’s stealthiest boyfriend. As long as he could continue to fall asleep in his arms, he would do whatever it took.

As soon as that last thought crossed his mind, he felt himself begin to black out. Sighing softly through his nose, Kenny let his mind go blank and allowed himself to be whisked away to the land of Nod.

He had just dozed off when he felt Leo’s arm suddenly jerk upwards. Thinking he was probably just shifting in his sleep, he simply ignored it and tried to fall back asleep. After a few seconds he felt his boyfriend’s body turn in his arms, followed by a low whimper as his legs began to kick.

Kenny’s eyes immediately snapped open as he came to the realization of what was happening.

A while back, Kenny had discovered first-hand that Leo suffered from night terrors. The first time he saw that happening, he panicked as he tried to figure out what to do. His boyfriend was thrashing violently in his sleep, emitting groans and whines that only worsened his horror. It broke his heart to see him in such a state, but he had no clue how to act. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to wake him or abide by the same logic as when you see someone sleepwalking, in which case waking them could endanger them. He was immensely relieved when Leo finally awoke on his own, and wasted no time making sure he was alright. Leo had assured him that it was nothing to worry about, that it happened almost every night and that he was used to it by then. That only partially soothed Kenny’s nerves; knowing that this was a normal occurrence in Leo’s life was concerning, to say the least. He made a mental note to suggest he see a professional about it in the future. He went online the very next day and read up on the matter, because there was no fucking way he would be caught off guard like that again.

The worst thing about Leo’s night terrors was arguably the reason behind them. Except for that one time when he watched that British web series he had believed to be a Sesame Street spin-off and had nightmares for a week, his nighttime panic episodes always had the same culprit.

“N… No… Dad, p-please…” Leo whimpered, his head shaking and his hands clutching the sheets as if his life depended on it.

God, what Kenny wouldn’t give to walk down the hall and smother Stephen in his sleep.

To this day, he still couldn’t wrap his head around Stephen and Linda’s incessant physical and psychological abuse towards their own son. He was kind and polite to everyone, he did well in school, always did what he was told and respected his parents, even though they were clearly the ones who least deserved his respect. The Stotches could pride themselves on having raised the perfect child; a son who would bend over backwards to make them happy. But through their highly questionable methods, they had managed to traumatize him beyond repair. They had been so engrossed in molding their child into the ideal offspring, that they never stopped to consider Leo’s feelings, nor think what consequences that could have in the long run. They were the reason he almost broke into tears upon making the smallest mistake. And even though he was almost an adult, the abuse didn’t stop. If anything, it just got worse. If Kenny had a nickel for every time Leo vented about something his father had said or done to him, he’d have been able to afford a nicer house by now.

He quickly pushed his ever-growing list of ways to make Stephen suffer to the back of his mind, since he had more pressing matters to focus on. Slowly pushing himself upwards, he gently cupped Leo’s wet cheeks — he wasn’t entirely sure if the moisture was tears or sweat, but that hardly mattered at the moment — holding his head just firmly enough so it would stop shaking. He pressed his bare chest against his boyfriend’s trembling frame, feeling just how hard his heart was thumping against his ribcage. Kenny’s thumbs caressed his pale skin as his mind replayed what he had read on that one article he had found online.

Try to wake the person up slowly.

Don’t force them to wake up, as this may increase their distress.

Once the person is awake, be there to provide reassurance and support.

And remember to always stay calm.

“Hey… shh… shhh… it’s OK.” he cooed in his most soothing tone. “You’re OK. Everything’s gonna be just fine. I’m right here. I got you.”

He continued to whisper sweet nothings into the platinum blond’s ear until his body stopped shaking. He wasn’t sure how long it had been, but he hardly cared; he would do that all night if he had to. He wouldn’t stop until he made sure Leo was calm enough.

Thankfully, it didn’t take too long until his whimpers died down and his breathing became less erratic. His eyelids fluttered open and his glossy baby-blues looked up at Kenny, who smiled down at him in relief.

“There you are.” Kenny murmured, leaning down to plant a soft kiss on his forehead. “Take a few deep breaths, OK?”

Leo immediately complied, inhaling through his nose and exhaling through his mouth several times. Kenny moved back to give him some breathing room, but kept a hand on his arm, rubbing his smooth skin in a comforting and reassuring way.

“That’s it. Nice and easy.” he said as he reached up to brush Leo’s hair off his sweat-soaked forehead. “Feeling better?”

He nodded in response, although his expression remained uncharacteristically stoic.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Leo shook his head vigorously upon hearing that question, and even with the incredibly dim moonlight, Kenny could see just how much pain he harbored deep inside when he looked into his eyes.

“Just hold me.” Leo replied, his voice raspy and his tone grief-stricken.

Kenny didn’t have to be told twice, instantly wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s slender torso. Leo nestled against him and buried his face into his chest, his breath slightly tickling Kenny’s skin. Resting his chin atop the platinum blond’s head, Kenny listened to his now steady breathing, his senses still on high alert and feeling too stimulated to even consider going back to sleep.

He tried to focus on Leo’s warmth radiating onto his body and their unsynchronized heartbeats, but the way his stomach would twist every time he so much as moved a muscle didn’t allow him much peace of mind. He worried about him; he worried about him so much that it almost physically hurt. He hated not being able to help him in these situations. He hated being powerless while Leo barely got a decent night’s sleep. He wanted nothing more than to somehow enter his mind and erase all his trauma once and for all.

Kenny wasn’t sure how long they had been in absolute silence — Seconds? Minutes? Hours? It was hard to be aware of the passage of time in near-total darkness and surrounded by deafening silence. All he knew was that Leo had been quiet and still for some time, and that put him at peace. He wondered if he had dozed off in his arms. Awakening from what was essentially a panic attack in your sleep can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

That thought had just crossed his mind when his suspicions were proven to be dead wrong. It started with the all too familiar sound of a strangled sob, which quickly evolved into full-on crying. It didn’t take too long until Leo was bawling against his chest, his entire body shaking in his arms once again.

“He… m-my dad…” he whimpered between sobs, his voice barely audible. “I dr-dreamt he ran me o-over with his car. I tried te-tellin’ him to stop, b-but he didn’t hear m-me. I tr-tried runnin’, but my le-legs wouldn’t m-move. He ju-just came toward me, a-and…”

He trailed off when he couldn’t hold it in any longer, weeping violently and squeezing his arms around his boyfriend’s body. Kenny tightened his embrace, his heart breaking with every sob that left Leo’s lips.

“Shh… it’s OK.” Kenny whispered softly, slowly lifting his head so he could look into his teary eyes. “It was just a dream. Dreams can’t hurt you.”

“But i-it felt so re-real, like I-I was really li-livin’ it.” Leo sniffled.

“I know, dreams are fucked up like that.” Kenny replied as he wiped away some of his tears with his thumbs. “But you gotta remember that it’s not real. It’s all in your head. If something like that were to happen, I’d definitely be there to protect you.”

“Pr-Promise?”

Kenny hesitated as he gazed into Leo’s hopeful blue irises. Could he really promise something like that? As much as he wanted to always be there to protect him, he knew it wasn’t possible. He couldn’t be with him every waking hour. There could be a day when he wouldn’t be there to save him; the mere thought made his heart ache and his stomach turn. He knew what Stephen was capable of, and as much as it sickened him to think about it, he wouldn’t put it past him to try something as vile as what Leo had seen in his dream.

Still, he couldn’t bear to see Leo so dejected. The last thing he wanted was to let him down. He would do whatever it took to make him happy.

“Promise.” he eventually replied, trying his best to smile despite the unease he felt deep inside.

He swore he saw the corners of Leo's lips tug upwards for a split second before he pressed his face back against his chest. He hugged him tighter as his weeping resumed, obviously still shaken up from his night terror despite Kenny’s comforting words. He let him cry out all his anguish for as long as he needed. This wasn’t the first time he’d allowed him to cry in his arms, and he knew it wouldn’t be the last.

He sighed deeply as Leo sobbed, softly running his fingers through his hair to provide him at least some semblance of comfort. He was too good for this world, too good to be treated so poorly by the ones who were supposed to protect him. He could only imagine how much he could’ve thrived if he had been born into a loving and nurturing family, instead of constantly having to deal with one of the shittiest dads this side of Colorado.

What he wouldn’t do to put that motherfucker out of his misery, but he knew Leo would never forgive him if he did. At the end of the day, and for reasons way beyond Kenny’s comprehension, he loved his father. After all the pain and all the manipulation, Leo still managed to hold him in high regard. If only it were reciprocated…

As Leo’s crying echoed throughout the room, turning into a sorrowful soundtrack for the beginning of their day, there was only one thought in Kenny’s mind — one that had become something of a personal mantra since even before they began dating:

Fuck Stephen Stotch with a chainsaw.

*softly pats Butters on the head* This precious angel can fit so much projection :’)

#Fanfiction #South Park #Kenny McCormick #Butters Stotch #Leopold Stotch #SP Bunny

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