#holy fuck i want to transition so fucking bad

[moe-broey]

I am...... getting A Little nostalgic for Stardew Valley........ but I know it is SUCH a commitment like if I get back into that shit I'm blacking out for a month. I Cannot Allow It

#GSJAGSKAHSKSJ #i miss .... my goth stay at home malewife and my goth chickens and being the wizard's pet guy #furious and devastated you get nothing for maxing out the wizard's hearts. bullshit. #i wish you could romance the wizard......... i know there's mods but i play console LMFAO #i also miss emily... peak weird woman. she is SO AWESOEM #emily and sebastian were the ones i was split between marrying and i went seb bc i felt deeply #slotted into being a 'cisguy' and. while playing as male absolutely was integral to my transition actually #like the very start of the game i was fucking ruined. grampa nooo don't die AND you respect my identity as your grandson........ WAH #but like. i just needed something queerer. like who you're with doesn't determine who you are #but. i mean. it's MY self-indulgent male fantasy and i need MORE QUEERNESS. EXPLICITLY. #also was sobbing like.... husband AND husband..... holy shit........ gay marriage IS real and so am i ..... #got slightly off topic but the fact that i was split between romancing seb or emily and also was EXTREMELY #EXTREMELY EXTREMELY WANTING TO BE THE WIZARD'S PET APPRENTICE SO SO SOOOO BAF #BAD #AND I DESPERATELY WANTED TO HAVE THE OPTION TO ROMANCE HIM #says. something about me. i think. #also my whole ass shane saga. he's not my type but i do absolutely feel for him. we can be buddies. i wish the best for you. #i am primarily motivated by chickens though i am so sorry. i am A Farmer. #IN. THE LOOSEST DEFINITION OF THE FUCKING WORD BC ALL I WAS INTERESTED IN WAS CHICKENS #I HAD SOME CROPS SEASONSALLY BUT. ALL I EVER WANTED. ALL MY HEART DESIRED. CHICKENS #also men long for the mines. and the skull cavern. i was barely a fucking farmer i was dungeon crawling 80% of it. #ALSO. LINUS. I LOVED LINUS I MADE IT MY MISSION IN LIFE TO BEFRIEND LINUS #and ALSO be his pet guy. more platonic this time but like. local young man looking for older men to imprint on #MY GRAMPA JUST FUCKING DIED. AND I'M TRANGENDER. A BRAND NEW MAN. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!!

[greenboyfriend]

choose a fantastic green thing (tarot reading)

"what do you need to know?" image 1: ahh, a classic. woman with fish. iridescent fish, no less. image 2: women want him, men want to be him. whether you love him or hate him, you can't deny... he is a bug. image 3: the bowl. image source not everything may resonate with you, and that's ok! take what does & leave the rest. don't force it.

1.・。.・゜✭

hello friends. what a nice pull! you may be giving or receiving a gift as an act of charity or kindness. it seems like you’re unaware of something, but it’s not a bad thing. consider it blissful ignorance. it may be wise to stay in this state, shunning negativity/corruption. also, some of you may be dealing with children/ a child? maybe someone is having a baby?!

nevertheless, you’re trusting your intuition at this time, and it’s serving you. however, you may be a bit apprehensive about a change/transition you’re going through. know that it’ll happen no matter what you do! you’ll have to eliminate excess one way or another, cutting down to the bare essentials. it’s scary to go through change where you’re unsure what will happen, but you’ve got to do it at some point.

and anyway, you’ve got your intuition at your side. tune in with yourself however you know best, whether that be taking a walk outside, listening to your favorite song, etc, it will help you to regroup.

being sympathetic and loving towards others will also work in your favor. try to open up, and give others what you would like to receive yourself. “forgiving and forgetting” may also be relevant for some of you.

(6 of cups, death reversed, ace of cups)

2.・。.・゜✭

holy FUCK, you need to pump the brakes. holy FUCK, whatever it is, SLOW THE HELL DOWN!!! four of swords literally came flying out of the deck before i even got the chance to shuffle. take this as the universe/your future self urging you, begging you, pleading on hands and knees, to CHILL OUT!

yes, we all know you are very determined and forthright. yes, we all know it, and we all know that has turned out very well for you in other situations. however. at this point, you’re gambling whether things will go your way, and you can tell. loosen your grip on those reigns! resting ain’t so bad!! not every moment needs to be jam packed with activities.

i feel like you know that, but you don’t want to accept that it’s true, or can’t. despite this, you’re feeling the effects. the 10 of swords spells exhaustion & burn out– finding yourself depleted, full of swords, and on the ground (in vain); all the while, the call for action has not even arrived yet. 

consider yourself. if you need to have a goal, think of it this way: how can you most effectively relax? what activities (or lackthereof) will make you feel the most refreshed when the time comes to get moving again? in a sense, take all the anxious energy you’re feeling, and put it to use by taking care of yourself. you’re not going to be able to succeed in the way you want to if you’re completely exhausted from ignoring your own needs.

so relax! if you’re not sure how, beg the universe for help. that’s what i did, and now, i have a cat. 

(the chariot reversed, 4 of swords, knight of swords, 2 of wands, 10 of wands)

3.・。.・゜✭

your cards strike me as very sweet, my bowl lovers… after going through a trauma in your past, you’re working towards healing by opening up to those around you. now is a great time to be intimate, and not just in the romance way! maybe you’re interested in moving forwards with this, but you aren’t sure which path (which person/people, perhaps) to take. not to fear, however!! page of cups is here! let your heart/intuition lead you, and don’t be afraid to have some fun with it.

consider your emotions exactly as they are: does this person make you feel happy? secure? take your knee jerk reactions and mix them with your observations. after that, the choice should be clear.

six of swords is not always the most fun of cards (typically denoting healing, sloughing through the slop, ect) but trust that where you’re going certainly is… a blast, that is!! it may be a celebration you’re heading towards, but more than anything, it seems like you’ll gain a new sense of freedom. with the page of cups and six of swords present, this is likely how you approach your feelings & relationships, and how they’ve been impacted by your past. expect to shed some light on these patterns, and even overcome them entirely!*

these last two cards cement this message. if you go after what you want, you’re certain to meet success! it can be scary, and it might take a while, but keep trying! you can do this!!!

*for the time being, anyway. progress is not linear! sometimes it's 2 steps forwards to go 1 step back and that's ok!!!

(4 of wands reversed, page of cups, 6 of swords, 7 of cups reversed)

(pulled later: 6 of wands reversed, page of pentacles)

Ws all around my friends

#tarot #tarotblr #tarot reading #tarotcommunity #tarot cards #pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile #pac #spirituality #witchblr #spiritual #witchcraft #witch community #pick an image

[chaos0pikachu]

Cinematography?? In MY BL??? Not as likely as you think.

TLDR: it's a joke!!! but also legit sometimes I see "cinematography in bl" and it's just some basic pictures with mid-tone lighting and blue t-shirts. Let's talk film terms like: aperture, panning, tilting, and movement in film so we can see what goes into cinematography (with sources!). Also if I name a show you like as "boring cinematography" don't send me hate mail I'll laugh

(examples used: Our Skyy2 vs kinnporsche, 2gether vs semantic error, 1000 Stars vs The Sign)

If I name a show you like in this post as "bad cinematography" be chill about it, like, I ain't saying you can't like it, I'm just talking about techniques here not personal likability or overall show quality. I like badly filmed shit too say hello to my collection of Friday the 13th Blue Rays we're just here to talk techniques and like, educational stuff okay?

So the straight (heh) textbook definition of "cinematography" is: the art of making motion pictures. Which, frankly, tells you nothing. Like it's not wrong~~ but it's not informative either. Cinematography covers a lot of what we, the audience, visually see on screen:

"Cinematography is the art of photography and visual storytelling in a motion picture or television show. Cinematography comprises all on-screen visual elements, including lighting, framing, composition, camera motion, camera angles, film selection, lens choices, depth of field, zoom, focus, color, exposure, and filtration." (source)

So let's talk movement in film.

So when I talk about movement, what do I mean? I mean the way the camera, the characters, and the environment moves within a frame.

This video on Akira Kurosawa's usage of movement in a scene is brilliant:

Something as simple as having rain or fire in the background of a shot can enhance the emotions of a scene vastly. it gives the scene depth - literal depth, not narrative depth - that would otherwise be missing.

The way the camera moves and transitions leading the viewers eye back and forth makes what you're watching more engaging. You aren't consuming these scenes, you are engaging with them. They are apart of the story itself, giving the environment life and texture so the characters within them matter more.

And, look, I get busting out Thee Akira Kurosawa might be unfair, but if we're gonna talk cinematography we can't not talk the importance of movement on film.

To understand good cinematography you have to understand what makes it good and as such what makes bad or mediocre cinematography.

In connection with movement we gotta talk about camera techniques like panning and tilting:

"Camera movements are a fundamental part of video production. They can be a powerful storytelling device, heightening tension, evoking emotions, and bringing the viewer into the action. Without saying a word, camera movements can transform a scene’s entire narrative, and direct audiences’ attention where you want it." (source)

So we have movement of environment, of characters, and we also have movement of the camera itself.

Ok so like, where does the BL come in Pikachu??

I'm getting to that, I'm going to start with a more general example: Our Skyy 2 (Bad Buddy meets 1000 Stars edition) vs Kinnporsche.

Starting at 5:17 we have Pran stranded or whatever, and this shot is like, it's fine. It's boring as hell, but fine. Why is it boring as hell? Well it's flat, it lacks movement, it lacks depth.

When the driver drove off the camera could have panned to follow his movement and then panned back to Pran at a different angle to showcase his isolation. Honestly since the scene starts with a mid close up of Pran, I would have had the camera behind Pran as the driver drove away, and had the camera pan around Pran 360 so we get shots of his environment, and him, while also emphasizing holy shit he's like, fucking stuck in the wilderness. 

In general, there's a big lack of movement in the scene. The camera remains almost entirely static, there's no attempt at zooming in or out, following Pran's movement, or showcasing his environment in any meaningful way. Even when Pran begins walking towards the camera the angle of the framing is still centered, rather than tilted downward or upwards to give us more dimension (non-BL comparison, the Book of Eli starring Denzel Washington does the "walking towards the camera" shots really well).

We get a cut of a medium close up of Pran, with a deeper focus so his environment is blurred out.

I understand the thought process of this shot, we want the audience to focus on Pran, but if the point of the scene is to emphasize he's alone, confused, maybe even a bit anxious at his new circumstances it could've been done better. Take a wider shot from this angle, open up the lens to allow for that background environment to come through and show him isolated. Maybe do a pan above him or tilt the camera up going from his feet up as he nervously ruffles his hair. There's options here.

This just adds more walking to the scene, which we already had. It doesn't enhance or emphasize anything about Pran's emotions as a character.

Anyway the camera continues to follow him and then we get another cut. And it's from the same angle as before, only this time we see a truck coming. The camera remains static, it completely stops moving, and we just wait for the truck to drive into the frame.

This whole sequence of events ends at 5:57 and while not a long sequence I find it frustrating because it's boring. The only way the audience knows that Pran is anxious is via Nanon’s acting, there’s nothing in the filmmaking that enhances or contributes to that feeling.

He’s alone, until he’s not, and that’s all the scene tells us. It leaves the scene lacking any tension as well, because we’re not getting a sense of isolation - how large is this space? How alone is Pran right now? What is the entirety of the environment? 

Contrast this with a similar scene in kinnporsche ep06 where Kinn and Porsche are alone in the mountains. I don't have a video of this specific scene so I have to link the trailer, starting at 1:48 to 1:52, but see how we start mid-close up of Kinn and Porsche, then pan out from above them? This is a better showcasing of just how vast the environment around Kinn and Porsche are.

They're still center frame throughout all of this, the depth of the scene is in mid-focus so nothing is blurred out and you can see the sharpness of the environment.

It also places the audience in the same space as Kinn, who is looking up at the sky while the audience looks down at him. It makes the audience a more active participant in the shot, emphasizes the state of the characters, gives the audience a sense of space & environment, and relies a sense of emotion.

The additional fast zoom out also adds to the scene by adding movement and making it more dynamic.

(my man pran looking like this 🧍)

Both these scenes are pretty short, but they're relaying similar information and one is way more dynamic and effective than the other. Both Pran and Kinn/Porsche are alone in the wildness, but in the latter there's a lack of space, a lack of movement, and a lack dimension. This is mainly a framing issue, so let's talk more about camera movement (panning, & tilting).

Here's a scene from 2gether vs a scene from Semantic Error.

(saw someone say 2gether had a high production value and chepie where??)

This entire scene with Sarawat and Tine is flatly shot. There is nothing in their background so no outward movement is happening, the lighting is even as are the colors, everything is at the same depth, and there's little to no motion in the camera.

The scene with Sarawat pushing Tine into frame. Why doesn't the camera follow Tine's motion of movement so the scene has more momentum? It just stops and the char falls out of frame before walking back into it. Then we get a series of cuts back and forth of close ups on Sarawat and Tine's faces. Back and forth, back and forth.

The editing leaves a ton to be deserved because if the back and forth did a quick pan back and forth with each beat we could build up tension, give the scene some texture, heighten the intensity of the argument. If we're going for something softer we could place them in on better set, or make the characters move themselves - have Sarawat walk away from the argument up those stairs, have the camera follow his movement as Tine chases him continuing the argument - or play with the lighting a bit, pan the camera down or tilt it something!

When Tine kisses Sarawat why doesn't the camera move with him in a more notable way? Why did we have a cut to a close up? And then we're back in a mid close up and more cuts and this editor is killing me!

This scene is 4mins long and the only engaging bit of filmmaking here is when the camera follows Tine when he steps closer to Sarawat putting the latter in the frame at 3:15, the entire scene is 4 minutes long.

I want to compare this scene to this scene in Semantic Error which is also all dialogue and also obviously filmed on a shoestring budget.

So right away the camera work here is smart, it starts off in an establishing shot, evenly lit, of Sang Woo and Jae Young both in the frame. Then we get a mid close up of JY looking down, then a tight close up of JY looking up.

The change in camera angle emphasizes his surprise at seeing SW here as he looks up at SW. The lighting has also changed, it's much brighter now. The camera also begins to move, where it was static before it begins to tilt and shift.

We get a cut to SW, the first one of this scene. JY is seeing SW in a new light for the first time, and as such so is the audience. By starting the scene off in an outward shot with both chars in the frame, they are placed on the same level and the audience doesn't see their expressions up close. So when we're hit with JY's close up of surprise and then SW's close up of his wet hair it holds way more impact. It enhances the feelings of JY's character for the audience.

The lighting behind SW has also changed, it's much brighter, and warmer compared to the cooler tones of light behind JY. The camera also slows, and continues to to tilt and shift. JY's world has literally been shifted on his axis.

We get another cut, this time medium on SW and notice, the camera stops moving for that moment and the light around him dims. It's not as saturated. We're moved out of JY's pov here and back into "regular" framing.

SW tries to make JY leave, we get a close up cut of the cut on JY's arm - hey editing used to display important and new information! - then the camera cuts to SW getting medicine and here's a small but important thing, when he tosses at JY the camera follows his movement. And instead of cutting away, when JY gets up thinking SW is hurt, the camera follows JY's movement back towards SW.

It would have been easy to make a cut there back and forth - like in the 2gether scene did over and over - but following the movement of the characters makes the scene way more interesting visually to watch.

Changing the angles of the camera from a lower angle (where JY is looking up) to a downward angle (where SW is looking down) makes the scene more interesting visually as well and enhances the storybeat of JY looking up at SW in a new light memorized. This contributes to the story as well, as it's JY who catches feelings for SW first so their are literally, on uneven ground until they're not later in the story. The camera is panning, tilting, moving with the characters even given the limited space. The lighting adds to the effectiveness, as do the minimal cuts.

On a technical level, the scene in Semantic Error is just better filmed. In my own opinion, the scene is far more engaging b/c the filmmaking is better, where in 2gether the reliance is almost completely on the actors to sell the scene with little help. And I'm not saying nothing about Bright and Win cause their stans wildin'.

Next, I wanna talk about aperture.

I saw a post that used this word and I didn't understand the context in which they were using it because aperture isn't a style of filmmaking its a camera setting or lens adjustment - it's the rate at which the camera opens and closes letting in light and focus.

"Aperture is the opening of the lens through which light passes. When you hit the shutter release button to take the picture, the camera aperture opens to the predetermined width, letting a specific amount of light through. A large aperture lets more light in, and vice versa. Aperture is calibrated in f/stops, written in numbers like 1.4, 2, 2.8, 4, 5.6, 8, 11 and 16. The larger the number, the narrower the aperture." (source) <- really recommend this article if you want to learn about aperture in film.

A great non-BL example of aperture used for style is One Piece Live Action where cinematographers Nicole Hirsch Whitaker, and Michael Wood love using deep focus aperture in a lot of scenes.

But let's compare The Sign vs 1000 Stars.

So when the scene starts, we're in mid-focus/aperture, everything is of similar sharpness and depth. Nothing is especially blurred out we're getting the full spectrum of Phaya and Tharn's environment.

When the camera switches to close ups of Phaya and Tharn however, we get a deep focus aperture. That's why everything behind them is so blurred out. In a close up of Phaya, even Tharn's face is blurred. The director wants the audience to focus specifically on these characters individually, so we can understand the weight of their dialogue. But when the camera wants us to see the characters as a unit, it cuts, pulls back out of that deep focus and everything is back in mid-focus again.

Here's another thing, it's subtle but it's important.

This scene also combines what we already discussed about movement. At :08 of the scene, in that first mid-shot the camera is actually zooming in closer on Phaya and Tharn. Not dramatically, subtly, but it is there. This is important, because at 3:23 we get another mid-shot of them, pulled out of that deep focus, and the camera begins to zoom out.

The camera also follows the movement of Phaya grabbing Tharn's hands, then pans back up to Phaya's face once again before panning higher into the frame and panning back to their faces and zooming in.

When we move back out of that deep focus, into a mid-shot the camera continues to zoom out on the two characters as they kiss.

I saw someone say that this scene wasn't "filmed like BL kisses" and, eh? Like it isn't filmed in that static style of filmmaking which has dominated BL filmmaking probably due to budgetary reasons. But

The Sign follows a similar filmmaking style as Kinnporsche and Domundi shows do. But also just like, basic filmmaking techniques you'd see in shows of the non-CW/soap variety.

The thing fans are seeing here is film technique (probably partially due to a larger budget). Movement, lens adjustment, panning and titling, lighting and color are all playing a role in this specific scene.

Cinematography baby.

(sidenote the VFX of The Sign is dope as fuck too)

Okay so let's talk Our Skyy 1000 Stars

So this opening scene follows a similar structure to the scene in The Sign: mid focus shot of the two chars, into separate deep focus close ups. It's also a dialogue heavy scene like the one with Phaya and Tharn.

So why does their scene work better on a technical level than this one in Our Skyy 2?

The scene in The Sign combines techniques of aperture, movement, lighting, color and framing to give everything more impact.

In this scene with Phupha and Tian we get a similar editing style as the scene in 2gether: lots of back and forth cuts, very tight close ups, static camera movement. Where as the camera zooms in and out during mid-shots, the camera doesn't move in Our Skyy 2. It remains motionless even though a zoom in as the two characters lay in bed would add a lot to the scene itself.

In the close ups the camera continues to remain static, only changing angles when there's a cut. At 1:22 Phupha moves his arm to wrap around Tian, the camera could have taken a closer shot at his arm, and then followed his movement as he wraps it around Tian. Like how the camera followed Phaya's movement when he holds Tharn's hand.

Instead it's just a flat shot, we see his arm wrap around in a mid-focus above shot. The camera does move to follow Tian a couple times - at 1:50 for example. But overall, the scene is stiff - who sleeps like this frfr - in framing, in movement, in depth.

I want to say that I don't think this scene is bad - like I do the 2gether scene or the earlier scene with Pran - I think it's just, okay~~

And no, for none of these examples did I pick "the worst" shots or whatever. I'm not out to get any specific show, but tried to find comparable scenes and compare and contrast the filmmaking techniques used in both and how effectively they were used.

I want to leave off with this.

There's a lot that goes into cinematography, yes this singular shot of Furiosa is amazing, but what makes the scene amazing?

Pay attention to how the camera moves (panning and tilting), when the camera moves (zooms in and out), the movement of the scene (the hair and sand moving), the lighting (Furiosa from behind is in darkness, her side profile more lit), the depth of the scene itself changing (as she walks away from the group the focus/aperture gets deeper on her, then when she walks out of the frame it grows larger to focus on the characters left behind).

All these little things make up what is "cinematography". The more you learn about the techniques used the more you can notice about film and what makes a scene powerful.

As BL gets more budget we're seeing shows expand their filmmaking catalogue more and more. Which is exciting! If fandom is gonna talk cinematography I think it's helpful to have the vocab to do so, and it's cool to watch a scene and be like "oh I see what they're doing here and why and how".

I mentioned other things that go into cinematography like framing, lighting, color, and there's also editing (which is separate). Idk if I'll make a post about those things cause I'm lazy and this shit takes forever to research and write but who knows~~

Check out other posts in the series:

Film Making? In My BL? - The Sign ep01 Edition | Aspect Ratio in Love for Love's Sake | Cinematography in My BL - Our Skyy2 vs kinnporsche, 2gether vs semantic error, 1000 Stars vs The Sign | How The Sign Uses CGI | Is BL Being Overly Influenced by Modern Western Romance Tropes?

[like these posts? drop me a couple pennies on ko-fi]

#the sign #the sign the series #kinnporsche #gmmtv series #gmmtv #chaos pikachu speaks #chaos pikachu metas #fuckign a i should open a ko-fi this shit takes forever to write #pikachu's bl film series

[enrosadiraanisaaa]

Within Session .Part Six.

Holy shit, happy December and Merry Christmas y'all! I'm so happy to finally post another chapter of Within Session. Yes, its been a while but starting a new job is stressful. Thankfully, I figured how to manage time. This part is extremely long, more than 5k. words. I'm proud of myself! This fanfic consists of Yandere!Leon Kennedy. I intend for this fic to progressively become disturbing and fucked up with each chapter. While the first few chapters will be tamed, expect the following in this series:

~Stalking, Kidnapping, Forced Breeding, Degradation, NonCon, Gang Banging, Forced Pregnancy, Somnophilia, Blackmail, Manipulation, Abuse, Pet Names, Obsessive Behavior (Duh), Torture, Constraints, Mentions of Blood & Gore, Mental Degradation, Toxic Relationship, Sexual Abuse, Masturbation, Drugged & Drunk Sex, Loss of Virginity, Forced Penetration…

Also you will be retconned (Too bad 😏): Female Reader, 24 Years old and from Texas 💝 (yeehaw)

This story was purely written with RE 4 (Remake) Leon in mind. So no puppy dog Leon from RE2 or DILF Leon from later games & movies. The story takes place several months after the events of RE4. Yay, you’re in 2004!

I plan to make this series long and fleshed out, but I promise what you want will hit you like a train~🚂

This story does contain +18 content (NSFW) 🔞 If you’re a minor, please go read a real book or something, don’t cry to me when your mom finds your shit. 

Summary

As an on sight therapist for STRATCOM in Nebraska, you’re tasked with providing quality therapy for US military personnel and government agents. After working at the headquarters for 6 months, Hunnigan recommends you to a notable government agent, Leon Kennedy, who is in need of therapy. After a number of sessions with you, Leon notices a substantial stability in his sanity yet is threatened when you are offered a position back home, closer to your family and friends. Your choice doesn’t sit well with one particular client, who can’t fathom you out of your role as his therapist. Leon has found a means of keeping his precious therapist and realizes you are the key to his permanent solace. You were obviously destined to be his in some form. Why dream of him letting you go?

A\N: I was heavily inspired by Satoshi Kon’s Perfect Blue 💙, ExploreVenus’s Something Permanent and Guardian Angel by NexysWorld. We're finally getting into the nitty gritty of the story. Reminder that if you're not comfortable with male obsession and stalking, this is not for you. But if you're fucked up like me, please enjoy this! This is a really long chapter, hope y'all like it. 😉 Please comment on what how you feel about this chapter, I'm a whore for feedback. Hate it? Comment. Love it? Comment, por favor.

This is the longest chapter with 5k words, pretty much twice than I typically write for a chapter. Keep this in mind if you are wondering why, it seems longer.

Hope y'all enjoy the sixth part! More to come 💝~ Anisssa أنيسة

Here is Part One , Part Two, Part Three, Part Four and Part Five of Within Session

Blue Monday

  For several months, the disdain for the winter season was prominent as the days were still short of daylight. Along with the absence of familiar faces from family and friends from home, winter blues roused thoughts of returning to home. Even with the presence of Mateo and his buddies around at the house, it never satiated your homesickness. The transition into this New Year was strenuous, yet you continued the routine of attending to clients at the USSSTRATCOM headquarters during the week, the occasional LAN parties hosted on weekends with the dudes, and friend dates with Hunnigan. Still, you could not deny there were urges to pull out your suitcase and call quits on the government position. Home was not here in Nebraska. 

       Now in the middle of February, the extensive drive home seemed to kindle symptoms of burnout. Upon opening the entrance door to your apartment, the dead silence prompted your eyes to glance around the living room for the presence of your roommate, Mateo. For once you arrived home before him. With every step further into your living room, the floor boards seemed to creak under pressure. Your body immediately gravitates towards the couch, slumping on the cushions to sprawl out in exhaustion. In one hand, you gripped your purse while the other held a bouquet of flowers. 

      Until the last session earlier today, it did not dawn on you that today was Valentine's Day. Leon, of all people, arrived at session with a bouquet of roses in his possession with his usual smuggish smirk. The gesture caught you off guard that you simply accepted the bouquet without protest. This questionable offering from him was unpredicted, a moment of vulnerability impelling you to accidentally violate a simple policy between client and therapist. 

     A groan emits from your mouth, decisively kicking off the heels to note how sore your feet were. No doubt the roses in your hand were beautiful, but they were from a client on this particular holiday. You grunt in disapproval, instead eliciting to assume he gifted the roses for his appreciation for your dedication to him as his therapist. Yes, those thoughts brought peace of mind. But you then realized the price tag sticker on the bottom of the bouquet. 

      “Holy fuck! Who spends $80 on a bouquet of roses? Well shit, now I’ll feel guilty if I toss them out… Dammit, Leon…” 

          Leon Kennedy, a client you have been providing treatment with for the last three months since November. Along with his substantial progress in his intervention goals, you had the opportunity to further learn about the peculiar character that is Leon. Every session he never failed to crack jokes on whim or comment snide remarks, his attempt to speak off topic. Beside his efforts to conceal his discomfort with humor, there was also an underlying suspicion that Leon was withholding details regarding certain discussions. He avoids topics through escape by immediately steering the conversation. Every instance that Leon avoids a subject, you take note of it, knowing somehow you would eventually touch base on it.  

      With the bouquet of roses in your hand, you notice several detached rose petals on the couch cushion. A pang of guilt coursed in your chest, registering the maltreatment of the flowers in your grasp. Despite the aching pain in your feet, you stand from the couch to walk to the kitchen in search of a vase. You were no flower arranger but the glass vase you found complimented the red of the petals. Next session you would have to bestow some gratitude to Leon, since the guy deserves some appreciation for the gift. Maybe the man really was trying to express his reverence, Valentine’s Day was not all about romance, right?

       In the moment of admiring the roses you placed in the glass vase, you realize that it has been a while since you have received something like this from anyone. While you let out a gentle huff, your hands reach out to rearrange several roses until you were appeased with the arrangement. Then the abrupt ringing of your phone from your pocket interrupted your trance from the vase of roses, a phone number unbeknownst to you displayed on the small screen of the flip phone. 

     ‘It’s an area code from Texas… is it from San Antonio, Dallas, or Austin? But who calls late on a Monday night?’ You decipher, debating the thought to answer the call knowing the area code was from one of the major metroplex cities. 

    This time you sigh, adjusting your throat to answer in a pleasant tone. “Uh, hello?” You greet hesitantly, holding the pink flip phone to your ear. 

     A gentle feminine voice responds with “Hello…” along with your full name.

     The utterance of your first and last name from the unknown voice nearly startles you to the core, immediately furrowing your eyebrows in confusion. 

    “This is her… Uh, who are you?” You ask, slight concern obvious in your question. Was this call a scam?

    On the other end of the line, the female voice chuckles lightly into the phone,”Sorry to call this late, I am from a counseling program partnered with a foster care facility based here in Austin. We are looking for new recruits with the right credentials.  I came across your application from a year ago and I am curious if you would still be interested in doing an interview and perhaps be interested in joining our team? From your application, I can see your address is in Corpus Christi.” 

      At that moment you seat yourself on a chair in the dining room, glancing at the adorned vase of roses on the dining room table. This was an unmistakable opportunity that manifested itself in one phone call, but you could not allow yourself to become excited so soon.

     “Unfortunately, I am not living in Texas at the moment. I actually took a therapist position here in Omaha, Nebraska. I won’t be able to schedule an interview, I apologize,” You express in a solemn tone, assuming this would end the conversation. 

     “Oh, if you don’t mind…. We can do an interview right now over the phone.” The lady mentions, followed by silence on her end. 

       You direct your eyes at a digital clock in the distance, noticing the time was a little past 9PM, which meant no minutes were being wasted. 

      “Sure, why not…” You respond, guessing this opportunity was unprecedented to simply dismiss.

        For the next 30 minutes, you were asked a series of questions, mostly about your experience and qualities. In your efforts, you answer professionally while you slug against the dinning chair in exhaustion. Your hand became cramped as you gripped the flip phone to your ear. Every time you glimpse back to the vase of roses, you notice several petals shed from the roses. With one rose petal, you twindle it between your fingers as you speak to the woman over the phone. 

         “I’m impressed with you, I really think you would be a great addition to our team. I’d like to offer a full time position, with a Monday through Friday schedule. Instead of hourly, you will be paid a salary with benefits. If you need help with moving, we can pay your first few months of rent wherever you decide to move in Austin. How does that sound?” The lady expresses, seemingly to be entirely impressed with you. 

      For a moment, you were hesitant as the offer seemed too good to be true. “When can I start?” You then ask, feeling the sweat in your palm as you grip the phone to your ear.

      “Since you said you’re out living in Nebraska, I can give you a month… March 14th on a Monday, and we will run a background check and proof that you can work in the US. Nothing major, it’s usually quick. For any certifications you need, we will pay for them…” The woman explains, her voice cheery with every word.

       By the end of her explanation, your body involuntarily begins to shake. Several thoughts coursed in your mind yet the most prominent thought was obvious… you were finally returning home. 

      “I look forward to starting,” You respond, matching her voice of enthusiasm.

       “That is great to hear… Well, I will let you enjoy the rest of your night. Please call this number again if you have any questions or updates,” She infers.

      “Thank you, have a great night!” You add before clamping the flip phone shut, ending the call.

      In that moment, your body slumps in the chair while a long exhale of breath escapes your mouth. Every part of your body was jittery to the point it was difficult to contain despite the laborious deep breaths exercises and your hands crossing to squeeze your upper arms. No doubt, the ticket home seemed to magically appear on your lap. Maybe the universe had finally answered your prayer, and within a month you would travel back home. 

     Tears formed, your eyes evidently becoming glossy while you were seated slumped on the dining room chair. With tears flowing down your face, a part of you felt ridiculous for becoming this emotional. 

      The front door knob jiggle, the sound of keys from the other side of the door interrupting your mini crying session. Once the door opens, you whip your body to direct your attention to Mateo standing there in the entrance. The evidence of crying was still conspicuous as your cheeks were entirely wet and your eyes were puffy. 

    “Ah shit, did I come home at a bad time?” Mateo mutters, cautiously setting his black bag on the floor by the entrance after he shuts and locks the front door. 

      “No, you little jackass. I just got a job offer back home… I start in a month,” You respond in a sincere tone, cracking a subtle smile to Mateo. 

   Mateo appeared taken back, now walking into a plethora of confounding information. With a few steps into the dinning room, he sits beside you at the dining table. He notices the vase of roses placed on the center of the table yet does not comment on them for now. 

    “Are you moving because of me?” Mateo questions, a pout forming on his face. He was honestly a child at times.

     “Huh? No, absolutely not because of you… I just think I have overstayed here in Nebraska, and need to return home so I can be near family,” You explain, your tone heartfelt as you glance at Mateo with a grin.

     Mateo deeply exhales, his brown eyes narrowing at the sight of you, “I guess I'll allow you to leave… on the condition you visit,” He expresses smugly. 

    A soft chuckle emits from your mouth, nodding in agreement to his prerequisite,” Deal…But I plan on moving out in three weeks. Tomorrow, I am putting in my two weeks resignation letter. Some of my clients are not going to be happy.” 

     To your verdict, Mateo expresses a solemn smile before his hand points to the roses you arranged in the vase earlier,” So… who bought you these?” He asks with an eyebrow raised. 

      “I’ll let you guess, but the answer is obvious,” You respond bluntly. 

       “Leon?” He answers immediately with his lips curved in a grin.

        “Mhmm..” You hum, scratching the side of your hair with a finger. “He arrived at session with them, and pretty much shoved them in my arms. Never been so caught off guard,” You then comment. 

      With a sudden snap of your fingers, you jolt up to stand before scurrying across the room to your bag, “Oh shit, I almost forgot, he also gave me a card. I haven’t opened it yet.” Within a moment, your hand digs inside your beg to then reveal a red envelope once you pull it out. By holding the red envelope in hand, you return to seat yourself at the dining room table beside Mateo, ripping the side of the envelope with your hand. A blank expression instantly appears on your face once you slide out the Valentine’s card. By opening it, you notice a gift card and Leon’s writing inside the card, “Mateo… He gave me a gift card to Chili's… Dude, look what this says…’To the spiciest therapist I know’... What the fuck does that mean?!” You glance at Mateo, biting your lip from amusement and disturbance simultaneously. 

     Mateo only burst out laughing, snatching the card from your hand to read Leon’s writing closely, “Damn girl, what you be doing to him during your sessions, huh?” Mateo questions you in an accusatory tone with a hint of humor behind it.

     “Absolutely nothing… Goodnight!” You huff, snatching the card from his grasp back into your possession before stomping off to your bedroom. 

      By next morning, you were able to have written a two weeks notice letter explaining your resignation with a clear date that you would be concluding your tenure with USSTRATCOM as a therapist officially on Tuesday, March 1st. The following days were heart-wrenching, revealing to clients that you would be concluding your position as their therapist and only a few sessions with them remained. Several clients congratulated your new position while others simply were in denial of your departure, or expressed their grief to you. 

        Friday eventually arrived with the anticipation of preparing the last client with the news of your resignation. Instead of being seated at your desk, you waited patiently for the arrival of Leon on one of the two chairs that you would usually sit during the session. Every minute that passed, you contemplated on how to deliver that in a few weeks, you would no longer be his therapist. Last Monday, he gifted flowers and a gift card to you, clearly there was a modicum of admiration from him. Would he congratulate the advancement in your career or distress over your inevitable departure like other clients? You could not rationalize with yourself on why you were nervous to tell him. 

    Right at 5PM, you heard the knock on the door of your office. Leon was always on time for his sessions when he was not sent away on missions. For his division, you still did not know the kind of work he did but only that he was revered as a top dog in his position. 

     Upon hearing his steps, your eyes instantly gravitate to his ocean eyes piercing back at you as he treads further inside the office. Leon seats himself on the chair across from you, an obvious grin plastered on his face. No words were exchanged, but your thoughts spiraled,’Shit, should I tell him now?’ Your thoughts debated but you shook your head on the notion.

    “Leon, how has it been these past few days?” You then ask, mustering a soft smile on your lips. 

     “Great, since I knew I’ll be seeing you today,”Leon smooths, leaning comfortably back into his chair. 

     Your lips falter, steering to not encourage this behavior from your client. “Leon, how many times have I repeated to you to respect the boundaries between us?” You remind him, followed by a soft sigh. This was his mindless flirting that recently sprung up in sessions. 

   “Too many times, miss. I apologize,” Leon chuckles, averting his eyes to the side at the floor. Ultimately, those icy eyes return their gaze to you even though his face was directed away. “So Miss, how were those roses I gave you last time?” He questions you, his eyebrow quirks as he awaits your answer.

     “They were nice, I was able to place them in a vase. Thank you… But understand that as a therapist, I could lose my license for accepting gifts, okay?” You remark, your tone firm with blank expression.

       His tongue clicks along with a small nod, “Oh no, I can’t have that happen. I- We need you here…” Leon mentions, his gaze studying your face. 

        As you examine the features of his face while he spoke, you realize how exhaustive his features appeared. Before he could utter another word regarding gifts, you interfere,”Hey, how are you sleeping as of late these past few nights?”

        In that moment, his grin deflates in an almost surprised expression. Leon adjusted his throat, shifting in the chair.“I’m experiencing nightmares…” Leon admits, blushes blooming on his cheeks. 

          You expected him to retort with humor or downplay his exhaustion. But Leon was actually opening himself to you about his nightmares. This was an opportunity too good to let pass by. By extending your arm to your desk, your hand grabs a notebook and pen. Every detail that he verbalizes, you need written down. 

        With your pen awaiting on the lines on the paper, your eyes return to his face, the bleak blue in his eyes not as bright as they usually are. “Describe what you remember from your dreams, Leon.”

          “Burning bodies, blood caked on my skin that did not belong to me, and things I can’t even explain…” He shifts in his seat again, his voice feeble.

             His narrative could not paint a picture for you, the few details not being enough, but only suggested he endured an incident so horrifying. On paper, your pen scribbled down the only two details he described: burning bodies and blood on skin.

             “Leon, can you recall an incident you might have seen or experienced?” You ask, bringing the top of the pen to your lips.

                After a moment, his head shook,” No ma’am, I simply have watched Dawn of the Dead too many times,” He chuckled, seemingly forcing a smirk. 

            If you could roll your eyes at this moment, you would. An internal scream echoed in your head, and you nearly wanted to slap your forehead with the notebook in your hand. When he finally opens up about something regarding his trauma, he fucking does this bullshit… again.

          Instead of proceeding in your usual passive tone, you adjust your voice to become stern,”Leon, do you honestly need this service?”

          He was clearly offended at the change in tone in your voice, his eyes narrowing at you. An expression you never expected to witness him guise, yet you kept your composure. “Yes, I do,” He merely responded, his voice consisting of no humor. 

         “Then please help me, help you. These past few months you have progressed, but you would honestly be further in your treatment if you allow yourself to open up. I’m not expecting you to explain everything in one session, but understand if you were a bit more cooperative, I can guide you more efficiently through your trauma. I’m not a therapist that wants you to be in therapy forever…” You breathe out along with a huff. 

       The words seem to echo into the room as the room falls into silence, Leon just sitting there with no words to exchange. Nonetheless, every word spoken from your lips was valid. But on the back of your mind, time was inching closer for you to reveal the news. 

       “You’re not getting rid of me that easily, miss. I know I’m your favorite client,” Leon retorts, that same smug expression on his face.

        This session was going nowhere, 30 minutes somehow wasted. Time was working against you, so it would be easier to rip the band aid off the wound, right? 

       “There was never a competition between my clients in the first place. I regard and care for all my clients equally, Leon,” You retort, directly staring at his eyes. “Also…” Your voice proceeds along with an adjustment in your throat. At this point, it can not be helped, he deserved to know. “Uh, to simplify it… in a few weeks I will no longer be working with USSTRATCOM, I’m moving back to Texas. But don’t worry, I already notified the next therapist on your case on your goals and what we worked on.”

       The heart in your chest was beating, feeling anxiety ridden, but nonetheless you revealed the big announcement. Then that same tense quiet air settled into the office once more, Leon had a blank stare directed at your face. Those eyes of his blinked several times before he mustered a warm smile. “That’s very sudden news, but congratulations,” He breathed, his fist clenching on his thighs. 

      While an exhale of air escapes your nose, the ache in your chest seems to ease away. This time, you permit yourself to smile in response to the commendation from Leon. “I really appreciate the congratulations from you… But we will still conduct session the same until I leave. So tell me…what is an incident that may be a considerable source that prompts your nightmares, Leon?” 

      “Wait-” He utters, tilting his head as his mouth tries to form words. “Can you at least explain why you’re leaving? I know three months is not a long time, but I have made so much progress with you…”

       His voice betrays him, nearly breaking yet Leon sustains a smile on his face. Subtle taps on the floor peak your attention, your eyes glancing down to notice his foot tapping on the floor.

       “Sure, I can explain… Um, I have close family in Texas, and my next job allows me to be closer to them,” You answer simply, keeping your voice calm. 

       You see Leon nod in his head in acceptance as he glances down to his hands resting on his lap. “I see… just… you don’t seem like a Texas gal..” He chuckles, bringing his gaze back to you.

        A laugh emits from your mouth, not expecting Leon to return to his whits suddenly. “If you expected me to wear a big cowboy hat and speak with a twang, I might just punch you,” You suggest with an empty threat, raising a fist in his direction while your other hand holds the notebook to your lap. 

       Leon lets out a fake gasp while appearing offended. “Hmm, sounds like someone is in need of anger management.”

       “Oh, you think you’re funny, huh?” You retort, pursing your lips at his remark.

       “I think? Oh, honey, I am funny…” 

        ‘Honey?’ This little endearing nickname riled your core, perceiving it as condescending, nonetheless you opt to let this slide. With a small sigh, your eyes peer to the clock on the wall, silently thanking the universe that only 5 minutes of the session remained. 

       “Alright comedian…” You speak, leaning over the armrest of the chair to grab the clipboard from your desk, “It’s that time you give your signature, and that will be all for today’s session.”

    Leon chuckled once you extended the clipboard to him before he wrote his grand signature: ‘Leon Kennedy’ on the signature line. He extended it back to you, except his expression appeared solemn.

     “So you really are leaving Nebraska? Quitting USSTRATCOM to move back to Texas?” He inquires, no hint of humor in his voice.

     Your head nods, only responding with a hum in agreement. 

    “Well I’m happy for you… I will see you next week,” He expresses, giving a brief smile before he leaves the office.

     “Bye Leon!” You call out, proceeding to shut and lock the office door after he leaves.

     An exasperated groan iterates into the empty room, letting out that strenuous hold of breath out your chest. While the complicated part of informing all the clients was settled, now the actual moving process was the next course of action. At that moment, you reluctantly retreat to your desk, knowing that the legal documents, session notes, and insurance signature sheets need to be submitted to your supervisor before you can leave for home. It was Friday, all you wanted to do was drink to your heart's content, play video games, and pass out on the couch. Typical Friday night shit.

      In time, all necessary documents were submitted to your supervisor. The familiar brunt whirl of flurries stung the skin of your cheeks once you step outside the building, being welcomed into the dark parking lot. Every step along the parking lot was careful while you walked towards your car, seeing the red among the white.

    Even inside the car, your body shivered, desperate to warm up. The inconvenience of the winter night sky entirely made it difficult to see in your car, but you were able to insert the car key into the ignition. With anticipation for warm air, your wrist turns the key forward. 

      Kkkkkkk.

     The sound of the car struggling to start only furrowed your eyebrows in response. 

     Naturally, you turn the key one more time. Two times. Three times. With a disgruntled groan, you continue to turn the key, your foot persistently pressing the gas pedal. 

     “No no no no. Baby don’t do this to me now!”

           With every desperate turn of the key, the car only responded with jerks before dying completely. Hot visible breaths huffed from your mouth, that bitter cold was already piercing through the fabric of your clothes. Your hand pulls out the key from the ignition and your foot ceases from stepping on the gas pedal. That sense of anxiety crept into your chest once more at the awareness you were oblivious to the malfunction in your car. 

        Your hand decides to reach down to pull down a small lever, hearing the familiar pop of the hood. While hesitant, you then retrieve your flashlight from the middle console before returning to the brunt winter weather as you exit the driver’s seat. Once the hood is propped up on the stand, you click the flashlight to instantly illuminate the engine under the hood. The problem was then apparent, the light revealing ripped spark plunges that were supposed to be connected to the engine.

     “Oh, what the fuck…” The words seem to let out, unsure how this happened to your car.

      Crunches of ice behind you alleviated you from deep thought, prompting you to immediately whirl your body to the source of sound. Light from the flashlight directs to a broad figure, startling you to where you nearly scream. Your hand points the flashlight up and you recognize the familiar sandy blonde hair.

     “Leon?” You mutter into the air, your eyes widening at his sudden appearance. “What are you doing here?” You then ask, pointing the flashlight down from his face out of courtesy.

     “I heard a car struggling to start, so I thought I would check it out…” He responds, proceeding to walk to the open hood of your car. Leon glances down to the flashlight in your hand, gesturing you to hand it to him. “Here,” You whisper, extending the flashlight to him. While he holds the flashlight, he directs it down to the engine, “Damn, your spark plugs are damaged,” He remarks, his demeanor confirming your earlier speculation.

      “They were recently replaced, this shouldn’t have happened,” You retort, your tone obviously confused. 

        “Well they look like they've been bitten… Maybe a small animal searching for warmth crawled inside and decided to chew them out,” Leon suggested, returning his attention to you.

         Leon’s revelation was plausible but when you return your glance to the spark plugs, the damage appeared like a clean cut as if they were physically cut by something. Regardless of how they were damaged, your current situation ensured that you were stranded in the parking lot of your job. The road conditions were horrible, piled with snow, and you honestly did not know how long a tow truck would get there. 

     While you contemplate your options, you hear Leon adjust his throat. “If you like, I could drive you home. It’s cold and dark now, there’s not much you can do," he suggests. 

     Spark plugs were easy to install, but to travel to a nearby auto shop was complicated enough in this weather. Your head immediately shook at his offer, shifting your attention to his face. “Thanks for the offer, Leon, but I have to decline. I’m still your t-“

  “Therapist. I know. Miss, it is dark and freezing. A tow truck would take an hour… I can’t leave you out here,” Leon interjects, his tone stern to prove a point. “Come on, let me take you home. It wouldn’t be an issue for me at all,” He continues, proceeding to let down the hood of your car. 

      Deep down, you knew his proposal would violate ethical codes as a therapist, but his persistence swayed your verdict. Your body was visibly shaking while you stood there, glancing around the parking lot to ensure no one was watching. “Fine, but straight to my house, Leon.” You sternly express, going to quickly retrieve your purse before returning to his side. 

     You hear chuckles from Leon while you follow him to a black SUV, obviously a government vehicle. “Perks of being an agent,” Leon mentions, his voice laced with humor. It honestly seemed he was enjoying this.

     By sitting in the passenger seat, you experience the loving warmth of heat from the vents once Leon turns on the car. A pang of guilt coursed at the realization you were leaving your car behind at the parking lot. “So you drive a Nissan Z? Didn’t think you’re into cars like that, especially with turbo,” Leon strikes a conversation, driving off the premises of the USSTRATCOM parking lot. 

    “Ah, it was a parting gift from my dad. She is practically a family member…” You say, blushing a bit. 

    “There’s no shame in that, it’s actually interesting you’re into cars. But I could definitely swing by in the morning and I could personally switch out the spark plugs,” Leon offers, shifting his attention to you in the passenger seat. 

      “If replacing the spark plugs is no hassle, then I am okay with it…”

        Leon grins, ecstatic that you conceded to his assistance instead of blatantly rejecting his offer. For a moment, he remained quiet as he drove on the snowy desolate streets before eventually realizing he did not know your address. “Ah shit, I got ahead of myself. Tell me where to drive from here to get to your home,” Leon nervously chuckles. 

       In response, you nod with an assuring smile, ”That’s fine…”

               Other than Leon’s rock music playing on the stereo, the car ride became quiet as the exchange of words died down. The moments you only spoke were when you provided directions to your house. Soon the sight of the familiar Victorian house was in view, although you notice a line of cars parked in the driveway and street, along with an absurd amount of people hanging around the house. Once Leon gradually slowed infront of the house, he turned his head to you sitting in the passenger seat. 

       “This is your house?” He asks, turning down the volume of his rock music. 

         A sheepish smile appeared on your lips, nodding to Leon,”Yeah, I guess my roommate decided to throw a party.”

         Leon returns his attention to the amount of men chilling on the front porch, drinking beers or smoking cigarettes despite the freezing air. You see Leon narrow his eyes at the scene yet smirks when he glances back to you. “Looks fun… but I will see you in the morning, right? Is 9AM alright?”

        Your head nods frantically, presenting a pleased smile on your lips,”Uhh, yeah. It sounds good,” You reply, somehow almost forgetting about your car stranded at the parking lot of your job. At that moment, you open the passenger car door before slipping onto the pavement of the road. “See you tomorrow, Leon! And thank you for taking me home…” 

       Leon seemed content, before waving off to you, "I’ll see you tomorrow. Have a good night,” He responds. Once you shut the passenger door, he drives off, leaving you to watch him as you stand there in the middle of the road. A nagging intuition provoked an uneasiness into your body regarding this night. Nonetheless, you decided to ignore your paranoia since there is a party that required your attendance because even God knew you deserved it after this whole week. 

#leon kennedy #re4 leon #resident evil #leon kennedy x reader #resident evil 4 remake #leon x fem reader #yandere!leon x reader #yandere!leon kennedy #female reader #within session

[cloudzzcore]

Jax x Mermaid!GN!Reader

For context reader is only a mermaid when they’re in the water, or get touched by water, Think H2O mermaids.

You were different than everyone else when you arrived yeah you panicked, tried to take off the headset but then after your tour you sorta just chilled out.

That threw Jax off.

How the hell were you so calm?? Why the hell was your balance so bad??

He didn’t even notice that he was staring at you before you spoke to him.

“Is there something on my shirt?” You asked, Your hands resting on your hips with a look of confusion.

“I-No you’re just fucking ugly.” Jax sneered, Great save Jax. Great save.

“That’s just uncalled for!” You exclaimed mildly offended yet annoyed.

Yep that was your first conversation, Just insults, Yet, Jax still played his pranks on you.

And you would find them funny? They usually pissed everyone else off.

Eh, No problem Jax would just find the thing that made you tick.

He noticed how Caine would make shitty fish or mermaid jokes around you.

“Careful now Y/N! You wouldn’t want to make a splash!” Caine teased as you had one of your typical bad balance stumbles, You sighed. “I didnt trip on purpose, Caine. Who would?” You grumbled. “A attention whore.” Jax said quickly before Caine exclaimed. “LANGUAGE JAX!”

Ragatha and Zooble were thrown off by your bad balance as well. Especially of his often you would just flop over.

Like you weren’t used to having legs.

“Jax, we both know I don’t like your pranks but.. You wanna do the water bucket on the door prank to Y/N?” Ragatha awkwardly asked before Zooble adds. “We think it’s about time you tried that one.” They say. Jax chuckled, “Let me find a bucket!”

After setting up the prank above your room door, all they had to do was wait for you to come out and get soaked!

It was about 5 minutes later when you came out your room to see where everyone was..

Laughing quickly came from the trio as you walked out and the bucket quickly poured down on you.

SPLASH!

With a shout you feel to the ground, drenched in water you felt a strange sensation in your legs.. with a quick glance you screamed. The other three came over and they exclaimed, then Gangle and Pomni.. More confused screaming.

“WHAT THE FUCK!”

“Holy—!”

“I did not expect that.”

“I LOST MY LEGS!!”

“This is some Little Mermaid type shit.”

Yep, You were a mermaid.. So that’s why your balance was so bad!

Caine definitely had a good laugh about this situation.

After a while you would just start to get used to the transition from having legs to having a mermaid tail.

But over time you and Jax started to get close.

He didn’t prank you as much as he did to the other but he sure as hell teased you.

He was mesmerized a couple time when he would hear you humming from his room. You two were suddenly room neighbors.

Caine was playing matchmaker confirmed

Alright this is finally done! My requests are open and constructive criticism is appreciated!

3/6/24

#tadc able #tadc zooble #tadc kinger #tadc gangle #tadc ragatha #tadc fanart #tadc jax #tadc caine #tadc pomni #the amazing digital circus x reader #the amazing digital circus zooble #the amazing digital circus pomni #the amazing digital circus

[t0ast-ghost]

Started watching the original series of Star Trek and my thoughts so far:

- I was skeptical at first but then the talk between the doctor and Pike was soooo fucking good, they’re bringing out ALL the issues right away, so pretty strong beginning

- oh lord the sexism (they try to kind of address it?)

- first teleportation is iconic! (Why did aos even TRY and change it?)

- Spock SMILES?!?

- THE VOICE!!! She’s so iconic (talking about the lady who voices the computer in next generation)

- Pike don’t follow her!! Nooo! Pike! Oh well get him I guess

- interesting monsters… hmm.. it’s a fucking zoo isn’t it.

- “the creature will throw himself against the transparency” *bong**bionng* *bonnng*

- nevermind it isn’t a zoo

- neat transition effect when they put him in the mind games

- *roar* “if you attack while it’s not looking” THAT IS A NORMAL MAN

- falling is a bad guys worst enemy and a plot devices best friend

- “zoo specimens like me” OK SO KIND OF A ZOO

- BRO THEY YOINKED HER OUT OF EXISTENCE

- THEY SENT HIM TO HELL HOLY CRAP- oh wait he’s back it’s fine haha

- horsies! Pike is a horse girl

- these episodes are 51 minutes each

- “‘cause you either live life, bruises, skinned knees, and all, or you turn your back on it and start dying” Holy damn that’s a good moment

- So this is how Orions came to be huh. Thank god they made it to Tendi

- Alien: which one of these women do you want?Pike: When I fucking get you-

- Spock was gonna leave, love him for that, live laugh love sweetie <333 (wait is live long and prosper their version of live laugh love?)

- “you think we’re gonna take this? Well what if we blow ourselves up”

- THAT VEIN BLUGE THOUGH

- “‘get your fuckin dog bitch’ ‘it don’t bite’ ‘YES IT DO’” when Pike shows up with a bomb

- IS SHE GOOD? What? no take her with?!? What kind of fucking ending? “and I agreed with her reasons” the fuck, fuck off

- Number one is so done with his shit AND SHE’S RIGHT

- So uhhh when does Kirk come in? Or Bones (mostly bones)

- okay the next episode started and I just needed to have some patience cause they’re both here now

If you read all that, thank you? Might do this again or just add onto this post.

Edit: I did do it again! Here’s the second one

Here’s all the others

Another edit: First episode is called “The Cage”

#star trek #star trek original series #star trek tos #tos #t0ast rambles

[monggay]

holy fucking shit you guys. um. i came across. a treasure trove. of um, my past self. came across an old group chat w some friends back when i was like, 12-13, and. holy shit.

good news: apparently i did use to be somewhat talkative and not quite as anxious to talk and interact ! i used to be able to carry conversations! not well or inawkwardly but very much plenty! i used to be able to talk and joke around without taking a million psychic damage just trying to send a message and even just saying whats on my mind carefree without being anxious that itll be weird or that they didnt want me to say that or that i didnt have to scramble for words or be unable to come up with quips or anything to reply other than just 'lol' or 'lmao'!! i feel like these days i only know how to talk and word things in a given or meme way aka all my vocabulary is just. tumblr memes.

bad news: holy fucking shit i was so cringe. like. on another level. on levels unimaginable. i was straight up just. weird. you know, horny preteen discovering sex jokes and crude language and sex humor for the first time? straight up had no filter, loved to ramble, except also had zero social sense still and rambled to a weird and overly and uncomfortable degree where it was just awkward and often said things that just. made the conversation weird? i embraced that weirdness and like, good on me i guess, but i think i just usually ended up saying things? blurting anything on my mind, that well. technically arent bad? or seriously fucked up or anything but just like. will probably haunt me for the rest of my life if i look at it now.

also like. i dont remember any of it ??????? i vaguely remember a Few conversations, but a lot of it? just straight up. unfamiliar to me who the fuck is that i dont remember saying any of that shit that past me is so fundamentally different and alien to me i literally dont recognize or remember anything i did then anymore

apparently i was just a giant nerd who read way too much smut and was just a little too unashamed and had very little sense of appropriateness which yeah i get given my age then its that. age of you know. just got exposed to people being vulgar, recently transitioned to high school from elementary, which is probably like. a way more. fucked up thing that people realize sometimes. cause in elementary i always thought i was still like you know. a little kid. but going into high school (which is younger than in US hs, at 12 y/o) youre suddenly treated or like, expected? to be older? more knowleadgeable? you know that thing about how kids these days are all trying to be adults now and how theres really no more media like the disney teenage live shows that separate little girl to grown lady? i think that jut like, hit me a lot in 7-8th grade + the introduction of nsfw shit and fandom and the internet (cause like. i did not have internet in elementary school, At All. and then suddenly in high school i was supposed to have a messenger account for school, i had a phone, i could use the laptop, i think i had a weird relationship w the internet then, cause at that point all my friends were already exploring facebook and posting etc, but i was so anxious and shy about that already that i just never started (which like, continues to today, i still dont use fb at all, cuase it feels so weird and awkward to start now when i was so adamant against not using it in the past) aaaand ive lost my train of thought and the point of this sentence

#might be a little #vent #y #so

[gabessquishytum]

Sorry in advance if this is weird, but pregnant omega warprize!Hob just won't leave me alone. I just can't stop thinking about him giving birth. What would their society dictate? Is just like any other medieval royal mechanism and Dream is expected to stay away? Because then I have the image of Dream sitting somewhere farthest of it as possible, because he knows, he KNOWS he's not supposed to, but the whole castle is flooded with Hob's distress pheromones and he's just whiteknuckling his way through it, biting his cheek, and it has been a whole day already and he's so worried... He is king, he should have better self control, but he's an absolute mess.

But then. But then one of the nurses comes running and excuses herself a thousand times, and she knows it's unusual, and never drive before, but could he please come right the fuck now?

Because it turns out that Hob is in transition and they desperately need to check him, but Hob just... won't let them. He bites or kicks anyone that comes near and he's so deep in it mentally that all he can manage between animal screams of pressure and pain is Dream's name.

So of course he goes (runs, the castle staff swears he flew) and there's Hob on all fours, the doctor all terrified, standing around the bed. And then Dream's smell hits Hob and he just starts crying from relief, he was so scared and so alone and now his mate is here thank god, and he's so glad that his body relaxes and starts pushing on his own.

And Dream might not have been there to see him through the worst, but he's here to see his child come into the world and reassure Hob at the end.

Alternatively Dream wanders the castle aimlessly and at the first whiff of a strained grunt (nothing bad yet, it's still early) from Hob he kicks down the door and orders everyone to shut up about it. Maybe get him some coffee. What do you mean he needs to rest, does HOB get to rest?! No?! Then chop chop, be quick about it.

Dream massaging Hob's back between contractions. Dream praising Hob at every turn even if he curses him. The head of the kingdom offering his forearm as a chewtoy for the first few contractions during pushing because the staff wasn't quick enough to bring something else. Dream ordering the Doctors to tell him what to do unless it's an emergency, because Hob is fucking HIS and nobody's allowed to touch him except him when he's this distressed and vulnerable. Yeah.

(again, apologies if this is too weird for you.)

(is 🦒 already taken?)

I'm always up for a horny birth scenario! Welcome to the family, 🦒 anon!

Love the idea of Hob going a lil bit feral when he's in labour, because Holy Shit why wouldn't he? It hurts so much and he's totally overwhelmed with hormones, he doesn't want to be touched by anyone ever again... and then in comes Dream and for a moment, everything is better. Hob still wants to BITE and SCRATCH but only a little bit. Dream can touch him, if he doesn't mind being sworn at.

The doctors have attempted to tell Hob how he ought to be positioning himself but he tells them to fuck right off, he's seen plenty of pups delivered back in his home country and he knows what he's doing. He moves around a LOT and Dream just follows him and tries to provide as much comfort as he can in the circumstances. He really just wishes that he could be the one doing the labour for Hob. It's his dick that got them into all this trouble, after all.

Hob eventually delivers their beautiful daughter right into Dream’s arms, somewhere around midnight. She takes over the screaming duties and the servants finally try to get Dream out of the room, but he's going nowhere. He gets Hob all nice and cleaned up and makes sure that their pup is resting on his chest as soon as possible.

Hob’s pheromones are going crazy and he hardly even feels the pain of the birth as he lies in Dream’s arms. He's a little embarrassed that Dream saw him Like That - and mortified by the big bite mark on the king’s pale wrist. Hob doesn't even remember doing that, oops. Still he's snuggled up to Dream now, instinct making him gently lick Dream’s neck, while their pup gurgles happily after her very first feed.

Is Dream already thinking about the next pup? Of course. He wants to give Hob as much time as possible to recover but God he's gonna miss seeing his mate good and pregnant. Plus, Hob’s postpartum body is about to drive him absolutely wild with lust... it's going to be very hard to resist his omega in the next few months <3

#🦒 anon #the sandman #dreamling #nsft #cw omegaverse #cw mpreg #cw birth #warprize hob

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Come on, it's just a few questions...." Lisa asked her girlfriend of six months, Hannah. Both were trans and hit it off immediately at a party, although Lisa seemed a bit too into social media for Hannah's liking sometimes.....

"But in front of all your followers? This is super embarrassing."

"It's not ALL of them, dummy.... just ten thousand or so."

"That's not much better!"

"Please? Come on. I promise it'll be fun!"

"OK....." Hannah pouted, looking at Lisa. "Is this some online quiz thing?"

"It's gone a bit viral..... So, first question. You answer, then I will! If you were offered a million dollars to detransition, would you?"

"What!? Um.....!!! No--well, could I retransition?"

"You have to totally detrans, though. Get your boobs removed, go through male puberty all the way, facial hair, deep voice, everything! Soooo, would you?"

"Ummmmm..... n-no! I wouldn't!"

"Really? I would.... no hesitation."

"Oh? Well you can have fun being a boy then." Hannah laughed.

"Mmmm, question two. If your family sat you down and said they want you to detransition asap, that they decided you should live as a boy, would you?"

"Ummmm, I mean.... my parents convinced me to start transitioning in the first place! My mom was pushing me to like the idea of being a girl since forever. If my mom really wanted me to be a boy.... I just don't see that happening!"

"Oooo, avoiding the question? I would. Of course. If my daddy told me, 'Pumpkin, you have to shoot that girly body of yours with T and become a man. Stop being a pervy girl already and just embrace manhood.... I'd SO do it.' I bet you would, if your mom and dad asked real nicely."

"Well.... maybe. It could be kind of fun I guess. I've always wanted my cock to be really big."

"Me, too! It sucks having such a tiny cock...."

"And, I mean..... my boobs gave me such bad dysphoria, by nineteen I had to get a reduction! Mine are so small now but I actually kind of want to go smaller....."

"Me, too! I never knew you got a reduction.... I thought I saw scars! Mmmmm, how big were they from all that estrogen mommy made you take?"

"I was a KK-Cup."

"Holy shit. I bet they were bigger than your head! Mine were a HH-Cup and it was unmanageable. I hated having such big boobs, always bouncing around and falling out of everything and--"

"They'd constantly be sweaty, like all the time. Bleh!"

Lisa laughed. "For real. I think you should go smaller, too. Maybe totally flat? I wanna get mine trimmed down from this still waaaay too big B-Cup to the smallest A possible. Was mommy upset when you got rid of those massive juggs of yours?"

"Not really..... I told her how dysphoric they made me feel. She understood and talked me into a C-Cup. I..... wanted to go flat right away."

"Mmmm, how many girls wanna go that small? And you want a big cock?"

Hannah blushed. "It's just a fantasy of mine...."

"Next question.... you get a new doctor and he doesn't renew your hrt. He puts you on testosterone and steroids to help bulk you up. Do you thank him, or tell him to get lost, and look for a new doctor?"

Hannah bowed her head. "I dunno..... if he really thought I shouldn't be transitioning..... I might just thank him and try out male puberty...."

"Oooo, good answer. Me, too! I'd fan myself and praise him for being so honest with poor, confused little me."

"My cock is so hard right now....." Hannah whispered.

"So's mine. All two inches of it....."

"Hey, lucky! I'm only one inch...."

"I bet you wish it was fourteen or fifteen inches, thick as your wrist!"

"Duh! I'd love to have one that big.... that's normal for a trans girl to say, right?"

Lisa giggled. "Suuuure.... OK. Last question. If your boyfriend told you to throw out your estrogen and start T injections, that you have to obey him and be a good boy, would you?"

Hannah moved in closer to Lisa, feeling up her thighs to her waist. "Well, of course I'd have to obey him. What kind of partner would I be if I didn't?" Both soon-to-be-boys started making out, ready to fuck before Lisa ended the stream, waiting to surprise Hannah later with their new prescriptions.....

#detrans kink #mtf detrans kink #mtftm kink

[catboybiologist]

Holy fuck this got long.

@glorhatransgal asked about my "queer timeline", and I'm making a separate post for reblog control. Feel free to engage in the replies or my DMs, though! I'm a pretty open book, except some stuff I would rather leave to DMs.

The tl;Dr is that I think I knew from the time I started puberty, but I had a weird commitment to suppression and misery. I've only managed to tackle that feeling in the past year or so, and I still need to socially transition.

Long long thing under the cut with mental health CWs!!!!!

I'm pretty sure the first awareness I had of queerness was when California proposition 8 was a thing, in the 2008 election. I was ~10 or 11 at the time, and asked my mom what the big deal with letting two men marry was. She explained a bit, explained that "you'll like girls when you get older but you shouldn't judge what other people do" and then emphasized that I shouldn't really ever worry about dating or relationships ever because I should focus on school.

That was a HUGE underlying theme, not just from my parents, but from the area I grew up in overall. Very high academic pressure just kinda.... Oozed out of everywhere, without any one specific parent or teacher particularly overemphasizing it (with notable exceptions). This came up a lot, and made me feel stupid or vain for engaging in any other aspects of my personality, including queerness.

I remember having some semblance of trans thoughts back in Middle School, without ever learning what trans people are explicitly. None of the adults in my life wanted to discuss the subject, mostly brushing it off as "it's something other people do and you shouldn't judge them". Very little explicit hate, to be fair, which is good. But a lot of changing the subject. So to me, it felt like basic vanity- eg, a shallow desire to be "pretty" that everyone had, of course, that I just needed to get rid of to focus on academics.

And of course, on top of that, I was more tech literate than the average kid. So my head was stuffed with the.... Unique.... Perspective on queerness, particularly trans people, provided by the unrestricted wilderness of the 2009-2016 internet. Since no adult in my life would really address it, it gave me a lot of really bad perspectives on the whole thing.

I'm not quite sure when bisexuality entered the picture, but I called myself "straight with exceptions" from the ages of 14 to 21 at least. My earliest clear memory of being attracted to a man was when I saw Aragorn in LotR for the first time (can you blame me?). If you want to make fun of my little nerd ass more, my first distinct attraction to a woman was probably Padme's midriff outfit in Attack of the Clones. Again, since my head was stuffed with weird ideas of queerness, gayness was often portrayed as a disgust or lack of attraction to women. I didn't have that, so I couldn't be queer, right? "Straight with an asterisk" it was.

Dysphoria kinda crackled in the background and grew as I went through puberty. The way I've described it is that my "resting state" was never happy pre-HRT. I could easily make myself happy and distract from it, but I didn't "come home" to a good feeling. Not an overwhelming feeling, not a suicidal one, but just being miserable in the background if there wasn't something to make me happy.

So when I hit a wall with my mental health in high school, it ended very poorly. I was in mostly advanced programs until then, but couldn't keep up due to things I *now* realize were ADHD symptoms. I had ongoing physical health problems that meant orthopedic surgeries, multiple extended times on crutches, limping around a lot, and ongoing pain and lack of physical ability that most people couldn't see, making me feel hopeless about my body and future. Add in a nice little dysphoria bundle in the background of all of that…and yeah. That's the self harm and suicidal period of my life. I was very weird in high school, oscillating between AP classes and almost failing out. I was also really just... Nasty to a lot of people around me, as a shield for how miserable I was. So uh, if you knew me in high school and stumble across this somehow... I am truly sorry. But I made it through, mostly through the patience and good graces of friends and teachers.

Anyways. I'm on a tangent.

Undergrad wasn't that memorable for my queerness- I lived at home while attending a local state college, and dated one cis girl for about a year there. Years later she told me that she realized she's bi, so that was kinda validating. I dove a lot into a academics, research, and volunteering to distract myself, and was academically successful.

I was asked out by a gay guy at one point in undergrad. He was someone who I had talked about my uncertain sexuality with and helped me work towards calling myself bi. When he asked me out, I got a bad vibe, and told him I actually thought I was straight. He was later arrested for rape. So uh... Bullet dodged? After his arrest, I started openly calling myself bisexual, but didn't really do anything with it- no dating and no community. It was a long time coming by that point, and the experience made me realize that I didn't have to be attracted to *all* men to say I'm attracted to men. After all, I wasn't attracted to all women either.

I graduated from undergrad in 2020 and stayed at the same uni for my MS. And this is where we enter "how much do I say" territory. My MS was instrumental in figuring out my transness, but was also a fucked up ongoing situation that involves several other people's dirty laundry that I don't necessarily want to air. I can talk a bit more about this in DMs if I know you and trust you, I guess. Sorry OP. So uuuhhh... Let's just say that I was extremely miserable and living mostly alone, so in the Fall of 2020, I ordered my first skirt to try and alleviate that background misery. I called myself a femboy as a last ditch effort to “just be a feminine man”. It was a key part of figuring myself out, though, and I loved the online community I made that way. About a year afterwards, I was having a shit time, and started the CatboyBiologist account on reddit to distract myself from it. I worked more and more from home, and would dress up as a "femboy" as I did.

I graduated from my MS in 2022 in a miserable state, probably worse than I was even as a teen. But it made me realize three things: one, some kind of mental illness made it really easy for my life to derail, two, my dysphoria made it such that *when* my life derailed, I had nothing to be happy about, and three, my weird standards growing up gave me the subconscious sense that I HAVE to be miserable, otherwise I'm not "accomplished" or whatever.

That's kind of the theme of my queer experience. I always knew it was there, but I excused it as "stupid" or just ignored it because I thought everyone was supposed to be miserable by default.

When I entered my PhD, I made a promise to myself to get rid of my weird connection to misery, and actually work on the first two. I joined a grad student queer group and started therapy almost immediately. At first the focus of therapy was essentially immediate trauma support. Slowly, however, I was able to tackle the underlying issues in therapy. I also brought my "femboy" fits to events organized by that queer org, and social events with the friends I made there. I fully engaged in my bisexuality and had a hot girl summer last year, dating men, women, and enbies for the first time since my undergrad GF.

Oh, and btw. Being a feminine man gets you laid. I'm sorry, it's just how it is. Take notes, alpha males, and put on the fucking dress.

With that support, I finally started HRT in August of last year, at the age of 25. I'm still a mix of boymode and girlmode- I girlmode around queer friends, and boymode most of the time otherwise. I've also told several people that I'm transitioning, but just to treat me as a man for now and wait for me to come out more publicly. My plan is to take a hiatus from my PhD this summer, and use that to travel and socially transition. So that's my upcoming landmark experience.

Up until this past month or so, I was the happiest I've ever been. Some out of the blue bad things happened this January. But I realized something- for the first time ever, bad shit happened in my life, and I didn't derail. I was sad. I cried. I was frustrated. I yelled. I had dynamic emotions and handled it. That's never happened before.

Obviously it's always an ongoing process, and it's linked to so many details of my life that it's really hard to say things about “just my queer experience” but uh yeah. Idk if anyone read all that and I'm taking multiple passes to trim out details that got too personal, but fuckit I'm already extremely doxxable at this point.

#cw self harm #cw suicide #trans #transgender #bisexuality #bisexual

[knowlesian]

okay: let’s talk candied melon silk moths, everybody. because holy shit, did i just blow my own fucking mind upon this very night.

full disclosure: i had this shit planned out a little before i sat down to google. i’d start with a little light ‘i’m not a bug-ologist, buuuuut’ joke and then synthesize what i’d read on google into a readable bit of moth fact/history before moving onto Considering The Humble Moth.

but ofmd has ruined that. because here’s the thing: there is no such thing as a candied melon silk moth. 

now, the rosy maple moth? that moth exists, and their habitat stretches well past st. augustine down to nearly the tip of florida. they’re apparently the smallest kind of silk moths, which seems Not An Accident given the way this show is playing with toxic masculinity and expectations surrounding it. 

they were classified in 17-fucking-93, because of course they were. by johan christian fabricius, which is just a really fucking cool name. i don’t make these rules. (i did some light research on him and it ended in Very Interesting/The Kind of Problematic You’d Expect From A Man Named That Doing Science-y Things Around Then places, so i’m gonna do more there later.)

for now, the basics. this level of detail and then a last minute hard swerve into We Do What We Want, Fuck You means they did the work: they didn’t just slap together some latin and make up a name and call it a day to avoid paying... moth copyright???? 

they tracked down an interesting moth, did their research on it, and then cackled with glee as they changed one very important letter and made up their own goddamned moth, because it’s all fuckery here. masks on masks on masks, all of them a little bit real just because we put them on and went about our day.

and because ofmd looks at history, at traditional power structures and the crushing weight they put on every single one of us living under them, and asks: why? and what if it weren’t like that?

in the real world, these were not the men we are watching fall in love; the real ed and stede did horrible fucking things. they were, in colloquial terms, The Bad Guys.

but what if they were these men, instead? what if we stole their names and histories and pasted our stories on their fucking faces. what IF we colonized the colonizers and made them dance to our fucking tunes, this time? 

what if nobody had to define themselves against what they aren’t? what if a rosy maple moth was a candied melon silk moth because fuck you for saying it can’t be different, this time of all times?

so fuckin’ yeah. there’s THAT, which really put a spin on how i planned to organize this meta. i mean: what do i DO with that shit???? that’s fucking insane. i’m gonna fight these people. fight them with my TEARS because they have pushed my love over the borderline. feels like i’m going to lose my mind, & etc.

what the fuuuuuuuck.

that little mental/song break over, onto what i knew i was going to talk about.

first: that they used a moth at all. we have a lot invested in the butterfly as an image/metaphor as a culture. at worst it’s a literal started ugly, ended up beautiful thing, at best it’s about metamorphosis and transition/transformation and the revealing of a true self (things ofmd is also very interested in) but the physical beauty part is always lurking there in the subtext, making things a liiiiittttle bit weird.

this particular moth also happens to be legit cute as fuck, but we don’t attach that kind of beauty baggage to moths. instead, our favorite moth metaphor is about danger. moths to a flame, we say, because we are REAL scared of warmth and pleasure. (and emotional risk, understandably.)

and oh look! ed and stede, moths to each other’s flame; these two are drawn together, the way whole crew is drawn together, by accident and irresistibly until they're a family in ways they couldn’t have planned for or ever anticipated. none of them started out in the same place, some of them didn’t start out speaking the same languages, a lot of them are still on the way to figuring out who they are: but here they are. drawn together in their various states, anyway.

(puts the fire at the heart of stede’s liminal space ship in new context, huh? fuck this stupid show.)

but here’s where it gets real weird: that’s a silk moth.

stede, privileged and still in his cocoon not quite With It stede, holds in his hands the creature responsible for the red handkerchief ed’s mother was tricked into believing god didn’t want people like them to have. and he offers it up to ed, entirely clueless of the resonance he holds in his hands, eager to share it without even knowing the fucking magic he is capable of conjuring for a million reasons fair and unfair, systemic and personal: the means of fuckin’ production.

because god doesn’t decide who gets silk, rich fuckers don’t decide who gets silk.

no silk moths, no silk from those moths.

fuck god and fuck rich people: drill down to the absolute core, the humble moth holds the actual power here.

and that moth gives no shits about these stupid rules. the moth doesn’t give a single solitary fuck if ed has a piece of silk or the king of england has that same exact piece, because of fucking course it doesn’t. ‘deserve’? fuck that. the moth isn’t like oh GOLLY i hope somebody with class puts me on. somebody with a full bank account. those people deserve me: nobody else.

the people who benefit most made up those rules about who gets what and why they get it, and now for some reason a lot of us help enforce it without any hope of feasting on their crumbs.

and if you think about it we made up god, technically, because we invented words and belief structures and intricate rituals to explain this gnawing ache and loneliness inside just as much as the surge of impossible hope or unshakeable, inexplicable sense of Something More. and none of us can prove entirely the others are wrong, even though many of us will kill and die to insist otherwise.

either way, this i know for sure: we definitely fucking made up money.

so stede’s got his cute little metaphor moth perched on his finger, eagerly offering it for inspection. he is literally offering up to ed the means of production for the object that represents his heart. 

and the kicker: he doesn’t even know it’s happening.

(neither of them do. not yet.)

i mean. this fucking show is just ridiculous.

i’m sure there’s a Lot More here, and i want to keep writing about how they use stede’s privilege/wealth in this fascinating way where it informs his character for good and ill and functions as a commentary on the unfortunate reality that sometimes people who will one day show amazing solidarity start from a place of good-hearted Not Having A Clue, and then move and grow from there as they see more of the world and watch the people they love experience pain in ways they never anticipated. but that’s an adjacent lane and another piece of writing!!!

so for now: fuck this show, and let us continue to consider the Humble Silk Moth i guess.

#our flag means death #my ofmd meta #i'm so mad at this fucking show all the time #like i am sure i will wake up at four am and go FUCK ME I MISSED THIS OBVIOUS THING #for now: the emotional scream i will call a freewrite #fuck this team. FUCK EM #ugh i will be thinking about the moth ALL NIGHT

[chronicsymptomsyndrome]

My niece (in a family chalk full of neurodivergencies) is two and keeps absolutely losing it (meltdown perhaps) when she’s forced into transitions with little to no warning (understandable bc girl same) and my brother (her conservative catholic-convert father) keeps trying to comfort her by hugging her and saying things like “ohh you’re fine, nothing actually bad is happening to you, you’re just my little drama queen aren’t you” and holy fuck I can’t even type these out without my face twisting up

Anyway it’s not my place to step in and even if it were I’m the most ridiculously PDA asocial non-confrontational kind of autistic there is so I don’t even know if I’m psychologically capable anyway.

But still, adults treating me like that as a kid had me believing it was okay and good so adults kept treating me that way well into my adulthood so I didn’t understand until mid twenties that nobody should be treated that way, I’m not “just a drama queen,” my very real and valid problems have just been dismissed my whole life.

I do not want this to happen to her.

#rants & reflections #autistic thoughts #audhd problems #adhd autistic #transitions are hard #autistic things #adhd things #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #complex trauma #autism in girls #childhood trauma #childhood emotional neglect #emotional neglect #delete later

[enjolrasling]

I saw the Les Miserables US tour on Tuesday and am still IN MY FEELINGS about it, so here’s a random assortment of somewhat coherent thoughts/rambles/write up/review.

(Note: I saw the entire principle cast except Randy Jeter (who was out) and two ensemble swings. Andrew Marks Maughan was pulling double duty as both the Bishop and Combferre.)

• I didn’t know anything about Nick Cartell going in, but holy fuck, that VOICE. Tone is immaculate. Lungs of fucking steel.

• “Another story must beGINNNNNN” are you kidding me Nick. Who gave you the right to be this talented. Why is this man not more famous?!

• Preston Truman Boyd as Javert - voice is great, nice deep baritone. I wanted a smidge more from him acting wise though (this improved over the course of his performance).

• Nick and Preston sound phenomenal together, their voices work SO WELL.

• Haley Dortch has the voice of an angel and I loved her portrayal of Fantine.

• I appreciated that when Fantine was attacked/arrested all of the lovely ladies kept trying to stop it/help her. A nice staging touch.

• The whole transition into the courtroom was fantastic. Nick with that ending note of “Who Am I?” 🤯 I feel like I heard a few nods to Colm’s Valjean throughout Nick’s performance, this being one, which I appreciated on a cellular level.

• Confrontation sounded sooo good. It is a little goofy looking because Nick is so much shorter/smaller than Preston, which made the whole Valjean-as-stronger-man thing a bit silly. The blocking here didn’t do much for me. But what can you do. However! The “you’ll wear a different CHAInnn!” *cue Present with the chain hitting the stage floor* was fierce.

• It took a minute but Matt Crowle really won me over as Thénardier. Acting choices were 💯 without going over the top.

• There was a lot going on during “Master of the House” and it was a lot of fun, but also hard to catch everything.

• Gavroche was delightful. As usual.

• I’m not sure why Enjolras’ blonde wig was so bad, but it was really distracting. Devin Archer does a very decent Enjolras, but man that wig was not doing him any favors.

• Marius’ entrance was forgettable. I think this was more a staging issue than a reflection on Jake David Smith maybe? All the students kind of looked the same at this time. I had a hard time telling Les Amis apart all night, honestly. Except for Enjolras and Grantaire, obviously, which brings me to….

• Kyle Adams. You freaking fan-servicing national treasure. Cards on the table, seeing reviews of Kyle’s Grantaire was the single biggest reason I decided to catch this tour, and I was really, REALLY hoping to see him in the role. I did not think anyone would ever come close to eclipsing Hadley as my R of all time, but Kyle is right up there in his orbit. Omg that scene stealing little shit. He really put his all into “the drunk one”. Blowing the kiss to E at the end of Red and Black. Continually slapping people with his coat jacket. The dick-bottle in Enjolras’ face. Constantly goofing around with Gavroche. It was all gold. I really appreciate an actor who’s done their homework, and Kyle is very obviously well versed in both the source material and the rabid E/R fan fiction. His performance is a love letter to the fans - to those of us who have cried over the brick, who have watched every musical version we’ve been able to get our hands on over and over again - and I love that for all of us.

• Anyway, back to “Red and Black”. Devin is great, really brings the sassy Enjolras energy. Marius is….kind of forgettable again. Sorry, Jake. Enjolras when he grabs that flag…Devin is really serving.

• “Do You Hear the People Sing” was wonderfully rousing, as always. One of my favorites forever. The transition to the streets was very pleasing. Again, Devin with that damn flag. I might end up shipping Enj with the flag as much as E and R, he’s that passionate with it 🤣

• Delaney Guyer was a perfectly pleasant Cosette. No criticisms, I just haven’t really ever cared about Cosette much as a character. Her songs do very little for me. But Delaney was lovely.

• Mya Rena Hunter as Eponine was somewhat “meh” for me. Her vocals are killer and “On My Own” got one of the biggest ovations of the night, but I didn’t love her acting choices. Or maybe lack there of, it didn’t seem like there were any. I dunno.

• The staging/choreo for “One Day More” was really entertaining. Much better than the underwhelming marching I saw in the 2012 production. Devin serving sassy, dramatic Enjolras with flair and a rifle is a whole ass mood.

• I fucking love the barricade set. Seeing Les Amis climb all over that thing is such a moment. Enjolras literally leaping off the set multiple times. Dude gets AIR.

• Gavroche flipping off Javert was an audience favorite.

• “A Little Falls of Rain” was underwhelming. The staging was a bit awkward and there was no scene chemistry between Jake and Mya. I really wanted to feel something. I didn’t. Just eh.

• “Drink With Me”, on the other hand, was so wonderfully emotional. Kyle’s stying of R’s verse is an angrier, grittier interpretation and I’m sooo here for it. Enjolras goes to console him and R pushes him away. The pain feels so real.

• “Bring Him Home”….Nick. Fucking. Cartell. I have no words. He cast an absolute SPELL over the theater. His breath control is super human. His last “home” note went on FOREVER. Absolutely phenomenal. Hands down best version I’ve ever heard live. Biggest ovation of the night.

• Gavroche’s death 😭 So sad, so well done. It was very striking how he was shot just as Enjolras’ hand reached up for him as he returned. The timing, the lights, sound everything was excellent. Then he crumpled onto E’s shoulder. E handed his lifeless body to R, who was just devastated. I love the relationship they created between Gavroche and R this production. The entire build up of their interactions made this moment so poignant and believable.

• Christopher Robin Sapp really took his 5 seconds of National Guard Officer/Loud Hailer time and absolutely slayed it. I want to see more of this guy in the future.

• The choreo of the final battle was very satisfying. I totally missed Marius getting injured and just mistook him for another student because again….Marius was just not catching any of my attention this tour, lol. The frantic moment between E and R in this scene was so raw and well done by both actors. R reaching for E’s face, clasping hands so very briefly. Ugh.

• Then E with the flag again. This scene is so striking and Devin gives it EVERYTHING. Then R climbing up after E once he gets shot and falls off of the barricade. The way it takes a few moments for R to die after being shot and Kyle freaking Adams makes sure the audience knows it…

• I was lucky enough to see a production with the revolving stage back in the day and I’m really glad I did, because the reveal of Enjolras’ body hanging upside down off the other side of the barricade with the flag is one of those theater moments that will haunt me forever. Enjolras’ lifeless body in the cart just doesn’t have quite that same punch, but it’s timed very nicely with the music swell, and the way his body shifts/almost falls out of the cart when it’s carried away again is quite effective.

• Ok so the sewers. That was cool. I felt like this production used just enough of the screen to really assist the set design without relying on it too much. It worked really well for the orchestration and gave depth to Valjean just dragging Marius across the stage 3 times.

• Thénardier dragging in that corpse by his ankles for “Dog Eats Dog” lol. Matt really showed up for this scene. I think he did a good job of dipping into the “comedic” aspects of Thénardier as well as balancing the really rotten parts - this was a really great rotten part. I thoroughly enjoyed his turn as the infamous innkeeper.

• Javert is such a little drama queen.

• “Stars” was A++++. One of my forever favorites anyway, but Preston took this song to church. Also, I do NOT remember this staging, if it’s what I saw in 2012 (I don’t think so?!) and holy shit. I was not expecting what they did, which got quite a few gasps from the audience. The falling/floating/reaching while holding that last “ONNNNNNN” was a fucking MOMENT. Props to this production set up. Major props to Preston. Just wow.

• The transition from “Turning” to “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” was beautiful, and I love love love the candle choreography. When Les Amis blow their candles out….ugh 😭 This number was a bit of redemption for Jake David Smith, who until now had kept slipping into the background. I found his Marius to be a bit uninspired and unrecognizable for the most part. He did not bring much of a presence to the role until this moment. But his vocals were great here, and the anguish felt genuine.

• I don’t have much too say about “Beggars at the Feast” because I was too busy watching no one but Kyle Adams as Major Domo for the entire scene 🤷🏻‍♀️

• But omg the change of Thénardier’s lyrics from “this one’s a queer / but what can you do?” to “this one’s a queer / I might try it too” and then he dips that random wedding guest dude was a giant yes from me.

• Finale left a touch to be desired blocking/staging wise. I remember feeling that way with the 2012 production as well. Les Mis is just such a powerful musical, I feel like it deserves a bigger ending than basically everyone just standing in two lines behind Cosette and Marius. The cast’s vocals made up for the lack of production though. Truly so, so good.

• In conclusion: Nick Cartell has an otherworldly voice and Kyle Adams is the Grantaire we all deserve. I am so, SO glad I got to experience this cast.

#les miserables #les mis #les mis tour #review #rambles #text post #kyle adams #nick cartell #devin archer

[spocks-husband]

OKAY SO after forcing myself to finish Voyager I am finally watching Picard so I'm gonna liveblog my reactions to episode one for the Enjoyment Of The People. Spoiler warning obv lol

-the cinematography is so yass

-oh my god it's my husba DATA?????

-WHAT

-HELLO???

-or is that B4...?

-I have to rewatch the TNG movies :/

-When did Jean-Luc start drinking his tea with milk????

-i love my husband Jean-Luc so much hes so hot even at 83 <<3

-uhhhh what's. Oh my god. Oh it was a dream. Oh I'm gonna kill myself.

-THE DOGS NAME IS NUMBER ONE ☹️

-AWWW HE'S BACK IN FRANCE :(

-who are these new people

-i'm uncomfortable

-WHAT the fuck is up with the replicators

-OH DAMN LMAOOO THEY BOUTTA DIE

-omg I'm from Seattle too she's just like me fr fr

-me when I'm murdering bitches

-of course the Black boy dies immediately ‼️ yasss ‼️‼️

-Intro was kinda meh ngl :/

-why is there SO much piano going on

-my beautiful old man boyfriend...

-JEAN LUC SPEAKING FRENCH IS GONNA MAKE ME CUM.

-sorry ☹️

-omg ....... Who is this sexy romulan man......

-DECAF??????

-he looks so tired someone please let this man go home 😭😭 my poor baby Patrick :(

-literally who are these people

-I always forget about that the Romulan supernova happened outside STO 💀

-Why is she bullying my bf. Kill yourself.

-GOD HE'S SUCH A GOOD ACTOR I'M SCREAMINGGGG

-I need to perform this monologue

-literally who is this girl 😭

-can you leave my husband alone please

-the writing just took a random turn downward

-PLEASEEEE I'M SO IN LOVE WITH HIM

-stop looking at him like that 🤨🤨

-dahj has Mary Sue energy I'm sorry 😭

-STOP TOUCHING HIM I'M GOING FERAL

-i also hallucinate Data being in my backyard

-Its probably just because we have better camera quality now then we did in the nineties but Brent's contacts are making me so uncomfortable 😭

-why does he say stasis like that 💀

-THE PICARD DAY BANNER :(

-DAUGHTER??????

-didnt we already do this in that one TNG episode

-OHH wait is she an android

-i want Jean-Luc so bad no one understands

-WAIT OH MY GOD I JUST GOT IT

-I JUST UNDERSTOOD WHAT'S HAPPENING

-HOLY SHIT

-Why are they making this sad old man run so much he's in his 80s 😭😭

-WAIT DID SHE JUST DIE LMAOOO NO FUCKIN WAYYY

-Number One is my favorite character other than my boyfriend, he's so perfect

-"I haven't been living, I've been waiting to die" OKAY SO YOU CAN WRITE WELL YOU JUST CHOSE NOT TO FOR THE PAST LIKE TWENTY MINUTES LMAOO

-omg hi B4!!

-i miss data ☹️

-DR MADDOX???? UGHHHH

-PAIRS??? THERE'S TWO OF THEM????

-that transition was bomb asf

-HOT ROMULAN GUY HOT ROMULAN GUY why is he British OH MY GOD THERE'S THE OTHER ONE

-damn straight to the traumadump

-this dialogue is kinda stilted tbh

-erm is that a Borg cube 🤨🤨

Overall rating 6/10

#star trek #axel rambles sometimes #liveblogging #pic #picard #tng