#i Will do it myself actually.

[finnitesimal]

Those elvens sure can kiss

#i Will do it myself actually. #bdoubleo100 #goodtimeswithscar #the scardubs agenda #hermitshipping #for the blacklist #finnedits

[etherealspacejelly]

me when the disability disables me: oh what the fuck? this sucks. what the hell man!

#autism #actually autistic #adhd #audhd #disability #currently lying in bed thinking about all the Tasks i gotta do today and i cant motivate myself to do Any of them #:(

[ot3]

i dont like the idea that kids these days are doing their fandom rps with ai chatbots. that's how you're supposed to make lifelong friends as a weird really online teen.

#i was never really an rper of any kind it just did not do it for me #im like im sorry actually i cant do this collaboratively i need to be controlling all of the little dolls myself. #however homestuck rp deck epicmafia. now that was another story

[moncuries]

guess what i watched on new years (a redraw kind of)

#hee hee #it was cute #(disclaimer i do not subscribe to d+ so my dollar was not going there iykyk) #pjo #percy jackson #grover underwood #annabeth chase #my art #fanart #hoo #i had to take silly pics of myself 2 get percys arm hand thing right #and then just cropped it bc yea #i almost gave annabeth the hair i did in the last one but i thought #why do i feel compelled to change her hair to fit the old image i had from the books and not the others #and i drew her actual hair from the show #and it looks sm better

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[voltaical-art]

HE WAS SEVENTEEN. AGHHH ULDER WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU

#bg3 #wyll ravengard #baldur's gate 3 #ulder ravengard #i am having so many Thoughts and Feelings about wyll and his fucking father #his dialogue abt him is so heartbreaking 'Did he ever miss me?' RAGHHH #man the game this would be if they actually explored this with wyll>>>> #whatever ill just do it myself

[sergle]

the threshold has been crossed, it is now springtime!!

#sergle art #artists on tumblr #illustration #body posi #fat art #body positive #stretch marks #heey it's chboy. skinny penits. i haven't killed myself i SWEAR. i'm still in my cave and i still draw #i hope you like the pieces because i really liked doing the more stylized flowers on the first two #like that actually gave me so much enjoyment doing the flowers that way on miss blue hair

[atalana]

the curse of adhd:

i will remember with absolute clarity, when the thought strikes me that i have a text to send someone, that this is the fourth time in three days i've attempted to send this specific text

i will forget, in the time it takes me to pick up my phone, that i picked it up intending to send a text

#every time #managed to actually send it today! #but also i have been reminded to post this by the fact that i just had a task to do in two different rooms just now #so i turned the light on in the room i was getting to second because my brain would go 'oh why is the light on that's weird' #and check the room and it would remind me to do the second task #in the less than five seconds between turning the light on and exiting the room #my brain went 'oh the light's on better turn that off before i leave' #and i had to manually catch myself #PLS. #adhd

[buggachat]

something so fucked up about Chat Noir’s whole deal is that he is in a lot of ways Adrien playing a character. Like Adrien picked up his miraculous and was told he’d be a superhero so he was like “ok, time to act like a superhero!” and he lets himself have fun w it and play up the role and let loose and kind of just allow himself to be silly and goofy and have fun and for once in his life not care about performing Perfection™.

But. But none of the other characters KNOW THAT. So everyone just sees Chat Noir and is like “look at this guy’s ego. He’s so full of himself. Surely it’d be fair to knock him down a few pegs” without being aware of how few pegs he actually HAS. He’s like the “insecure character who overcompensates in ego” trope except he’s really not doing it unironically, he’s just having a fun LARP pretending to have self worth in his off-hours but nobody else is on the same page about it being a game and he refuses to tell them. He just dramatically pouts about it and lets them laugh and pretends like he’s not internalizing it and it is almost 3 am and my brain forced me to write this instead of sleeping I’m gonna take a melatonin

#writing this my brain was like: what if he actually likes it? #what if he likes people openly criticizing him in ways nobody actually does to Adrien agreste? #because Adrien Agreste is perfect and can do no wrong. maybe he enjoys being insulted or something #and then I remembered chat noirs multiple breakdowns about feeling unworthy and yknow what yeah I don’t think he likes it LOL #do normal people actually fall asleep when they lie down #if you can’t tell I recently decided to make my random ml musings your guys’ business instead of keeping it to myself #hope you enjoy

[pisscreant]

had a vivid dream where there was a "play as Kim" mod and I was super excited

after like 2 mins gameplay Harry just turned around looking scandalised and was like "Ohgod... It's me, Kim. *I'm* Grandpa Piss!"

he refused to elaborate even after I savescummed and exhausted all dialogue options

then a notification flashed like "THOUGHT GAINED: GRANDPA PISS" and I went to the thought cabinet screen. all it said was "What the fuck does he mean by that."

#disco elysium #this wasnt just a dream... this was a Vision #I am 80% sure “grandpa piss” is a meme from somewhere but I'm too weak to google it #(do you think he could tell I was savescumming? #imagine if this was actually a game mode and Harry broke the fourth wall to call the player out for it #I'd wet myself from the terror..... then *I'd* be Grandpa Piss.......) #shitposting tag

[soyochii]

Quick doodles before I evaporate.

#jjk #geto suguru #satosugu #gojo satoru #Don't look to close these are so rough #“Girl dinner” I say to myself looking at the 500th tiktok edit of sato/sugu actually dry heaving wanting to crumble into dust #jjk is the worst thing ive done for my mental health in a while #anyway I still love them and wish they could have been happy together for a little longer #Didn't get a chance to hug your best friend and tell him how much he means to you in highschool #no biggie just do it in the afterlife #Jkjkjkjjkjkjk Everything is fine #my art #jujutsu kaisen

[stuckinapril]

friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me

#It’s just so different #even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol #in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps #if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it #esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends #no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr #u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS #meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life #this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation #like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !! #& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers #who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them #and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends #it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me #I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc #like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this #so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works #p

[lancteu]

this has drained me of my will to live

#if the quality gets crunched im gonna be going ghost myself dude #i had this at 600dpi #my art #danny phantom #danny phantom fanart #danny fenton #dp fanart #this took me sO LONG #im so proud of it but watch me despise it in about an hour #lancteu back at it with yet another danny phantom design #let my boy be happy #let my boy be an astronaut PLEASE #i was gonna do glowy freckles but i already was dying with just this i could not be bothered #love flooding my own tags #if you couldn't tell #if you're actually reading these then hi :)

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

#selfie bee #good evening friends!! how are you doing! C: #I'm very very sleepy I got a new ikea office chair and I build it all myself #I think it went okay! I don't think I pulled the back screw tight enough and now the back is a bit loose #I can probably fix it but I can also ignore it for the next 18 years #thats how long the old chair held up!! in germany it could now drink vodka and drive a car!! #not at the same time that is illegal! not at the same time!! (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ* #but the day is not over yet my uncle asked me for a big art quest and I do not want to disappoint #he wants a muppet tattoo and asked me to draw it #my uncle has started to get tattoos a few months ago #as far as I know he has now gotten 3 note clefs 3 stars a flower and multiple birds #he also started getting piercings but so far I managed not to know exactly where #I think tattoos are super cool (´｡･v･｡｀) I wish I had a good idea for a tattoo but the last time I was very sure about getting a tattoo #it was heath ledgers face as the joker #at that point I was 12 and would not see the actual movie for two more years #a muppet tattoo is a way better idea!! he asked for the count van count! that is also one of my top 3 muppets ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡ #I always thought I knew a lot about muppet lore but since I started looking up muppet pictures I think there are still a lot of secrets #can the muppets from the Sesame Street actually leave the Sesame Street? #I think Kermit is both on the Muppet Show and on Sesame Street but he is also like the boss muppet #he might have special abilities #I hope you're having a good day friends!! C: #I think I'll post a Sherlock comic later this week #miss you!! ♥♥♥

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post. #writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers. #at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going. #when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like. #it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases - #at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory. #it was what i had seen. #and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol' #so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID. #he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

[the-jesus-pill]

You’ve got to forgive yourself for being traumatized and needing to learn how to function again. 

Recovery isn’t always nightmares and depression, it’s forgetting to eat, being scared of what others might see as completely normal things, it’s getting random panic attacks, not knowing how to take care of yourself, not knowing how to live like an adult, even if you’re twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, of feeling like you’re failing to function in a world where everyone seems to have their shit together. 

If you need help, ask for it. Go to forums and ask for advice. Take advantage of community resources. Buy pre-sliced veggies and fruits, eat instant meals if you can’t cook for yourself today. Hire someone. Ask a neighbor for a favor. Buy any item you think might make life easier, even if you feel like you aren’t ‘disabled’ enough to have it. 

Some of the depression posts (ie open your windows, take a shower, go outside, call a friend) are really helpful but they’re not always enough. I’ve found advice for spoonies, people with chronic pain or other disabilities have the best tips because they know what it’s like to be bedridden, out of energy, stuck in a brain fog. 

You may never return back to the energy you had when you were younger and you might always need to use crutches to help you through life. It’s the same with medication. 

Trauma is a real thing that happens to you, it physically alters your brain and it’s alright to have lasting scars. 

You’re not broken, your life is not over and you can still be happy. 

It’s not your fault.

#felix speaks #trauma #recovery #deconversion #ex cult #ex religious #ptsd #cptsd #healing #disabled #actually traumatized #spoonies #things i need to remind myself with too #it sucks to have to come to terms with the fact #but youll be so much better off once you stop denying yourself the help you need #also re: buying items meant for the disabled #do it! #you are not taking resources away #if you need it you need it #and the more in demand these items are the better theyll be made in the future