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13lov · 7 months

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tethered. | jjk

Love notes were slipped into your locker on a daily basis. Variations of messy, boyish handwriting on yellow sticky notes stacked upon themselves by the end of each school day. Every Friday night you were invited out with the promise of "You'll have fun, just give it a chance."

You could have any guy you wanted, no doubt about it. Yet somehow, the only one you do want is the tattooed, gothic one that lives a few doors down from your best friend.

✰ pairing. — emo!jk x reader

✰ genre. — early 2000s au, best friend's older brother, childhood friends to lovers, smut, light angst.

✰ word count. — 7k+

✰ warnings. — swearing, family issues, partying, mentions of drinking/drugs, friendship betrayel (?), smut [virginity loss, teasing, fingering, soft dom!jk, "i've waited so long for this" type shit], reader and jk are both 18+, minors dni.

✰ a/n. really love this pairings and would love to have drabbles with them in the future, so pls lmk if u guys would be interested in that! thanks for all the love on the teaser, hope u enjoy! <3

✰ taglist. @ahgasegotarmy116 @hellbornsworld @kissyfacekoo @littlestarstinyseven @skzthinker

Two monumental events had been etched into your brain for eternity, the first being sneaking out in the middle of the night to meet up with your friends at the community pool. The second is fifteen minutes upon arriving at the pool, seeing your best friend's older brother emerge from the chlorine-scented water as if he were Poseidon and realizing you were utterly infatuated by him.

Jeon Somi isn't blind to this, immediately pulling you away from the crowd to question the longing gaze on your face. "Out of every fucking guy here with us, you're making eyes at my brother? You do know that Jungkook is completely gross, right?" She was so furious, you're surprised no steam was blowing from her ears.

Deny it all you want (and you certainly did within that fifteen-minute interrogation); Jungkook very clearly had a hold on you that lasted many years following that fateful night. He wasn't even your usual type; he wouldn't be caught dead around the guys you're typically drawn to. He had a rebellious side; maybe that's why getting him out of your head was nearly impossible.

Of course, the eternal guilt of falling for your best friend's older, dumbass brother is also difficult to get out of your head.

It can't be helped, really. Anytime you'd visit their home, your eyes would automatically wander through the crack of his doorway as you'd pass by. Whether he was messily cutting his dark hair while blasting Pierce the Veil from his speakers or giving himself a new Stick-and-Poke tattoo as he waited for a CD to finish burning, you long to break away from Somi for a moment to speak to him. Ask him about his day or if his band had any upcoming gigs. You'd even talk to him about paint drying if it meant you'd get to be in the same space as him.

So it's safe to say you were completely heartbroken when he left for college. Somi, however, is over the moon. Or so you think.

"… He's your brother, though. You don't think you're gonna miss him at all?" You ask, watching Somi delicately paint your fingernails a pretty shade of purple.

She shrugs, "I mean… it's definitely gonna be weird not seeing him around the house every day, but he'll still visit sometimes. Maybe."

Deep down, Somi knows Jungkook won't visit much. He'd been craving freedom and independence from their parents for ages, and moving away for college gave him the perfect opportunity to live as he pleased. They weren't fond of the clothes he wore or the friends he had, and absolutely couldn't bear the music his band makes. They criticized every little thing about him, and he'd finally be getting a break from them.

As you're about to ask Somi if she's okay, she stands from her bed, screwing the nail polish closed. "I'll be back. I have to let Bam out." Her voice is shaky, and she doesn't look at you as she exits the room.

You take the opportunity to make your way down the hall and to Jungkook's door, which he has conveniently left wide open as he scrolls on his desktop. His knees are pressed against his chest as he's heavily focused on editing his Facebook page. There's a rock song playing lightly from another tab that you can't quite identify; he uses his free hand to gently tap along to the beat of the music.

His room is covered in cardboard boxes, soon to be packed into his parents' minivan and making their way to the University of San Francisco dorms.

Your knuckles tap on his wooden door, your heart fluttering when he turns around, and you realize he's changed the ring on his lip from black to silver.

He nods at you, "What's up?"

"Nothing. I just know you're leaving in the morning, and I wanted to say bye. And wish you good luck, of course." You're not sure why you're so heartbroken. It's not like the two of you were ever a thing. It's not like this would be your last time seeing him. Why were you so upset?

"Cool, thanks." You assume that was his way of indirectly telling you to get out until he reaches into his desk drawer and says, "Catch," before tossing something towards you.

Careful not to mess up your manicure, you easily catch the item, unfolding what appears to be a purple bandanna. "What's this for?" You ask, inspecting the material in your palms.

"To remember me by, duh. Plus, it matches your nails.”

It'd be silly to tell him you genuinely don't need this because there was no way in hell you could ever forget about him. Instead, you clutch the bandana tightly in your fist and make a silent vow to keep it with you at all times; have a piece of him with you at all times.

You thank him and tell him it's nice, but all you can wonder is why he even wants you to remember him in the first place. Maybe you're overthinking. He probably just didn't care for the useless accessory anymore.

When you turn to leave, Jungkook stops you with a gentle call of your name. He turns his head in your direction, tugging his bottom lip between his teeth. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything." You whisper back, praying you don't sound overly desperate for a more extended interaction with him.

A beat of silence passes, and just as he opens his mouth to respond, Somi is stomping up the stairs and belting out your name. You gaze away from Jungkook to glance behind you, listening as his sister shouts about doing each other's makeup.

"Never mind, actually. It's not important." Jungkook interrupts, and you physically feel your heart sink to the floor.

You're about to be annoying and pry a response out of him until your eyes dart to his floor, and you see it. What slipped out from his drawer when he tossed the bandana at you.

A condom wrapper. An empty one, at that.

It's embarrassing how quickly your vision becomes glossy, salty tears threatening to release with each passing second. Of course, he's fucking someone. Of course, that person isn't you. Of fucking course.

You shouldn't be surprised; he's probably more into girls with a similar aesthetic. She's probably covered in tattoos and piercings, just like him. She's probably older than you and may even have her own car, unlike you, who still had to catch rides with your parents or older sister.

It's odd, though. You're not entirely naive; you know Jungkook definitely flirts with you here and there, catching his eye when his gaze lingers on you for a second too long. There's a noticeable tension between the two of you that even your parents have teased about. And this whole time, he's been screwing someone else?

Jungkook hangs out with so many girls it'd be useless to even attempt to uncover who this mystery person is. It's none of your business, anyway.

So you leave.

You tell Somi you'll get grounded if you're home past curfew, and with tear-stained cheeks, you run home.

The following day isn't any easier.

Somi posted a photo on FaceBook of herself and Jungkook posing together, arms wrapped around each other, with the caption "c u l8r alligator XD". The comments are already flooded with responses wishing Jungkook farewell, some from family members or friends of the siblings.

"Don't 4get abt me!!!!!! >:( "from a girl with red hair catches your eye because it's the only one Jungkook responded to. You can't bring yourself to read his full reply, fingers moving to quickly close the tab after seeing the word 'Never.'

It's probably her, you think to yourself, the one he's sleeping with.

Maybe it's for the best that Jungkook's moving away; it'll give you some time to get over him.

And you most certainly did.

The only time he ever crosses your mind is when Somi brings him up (which she rarely does) or when you pass by his empty bedroom. Deep down, you know you'll always care for Jungkook on some level, but time away from him was just what you needed. You were too attached to him for no fathomable reason, rejecting any guy interested in you with the premise of being loyal to a guy who didn't even want you. He'd probably been sneaking girls in through his window, with you a few doors down doing magazine quizzes with his sister; blissfully unaware of what was happening down the hall.

You’re better off without him.

That's what you've been telling yourself daily until now. It's the start of summer vacation, and Jungkook's been summoned home to spend it with his family before Somi (and you) transfer to the University of San Francisco.

Jungkook was hesitant about coming home, as he always is. In constant fear that his parents have some elaborate plan for him to change his major or set him up with someone they deem acceptable, nothing like the girls he hangs around and probably invites back to his dorm.

It took days of convincing until Jungkook finally agreed to come home, under the premise that his parents' intentions were pure and that they simply wanted one last summer together before Somi moved away for college. They also hoped he'd be able to house-sit and watch over Somi for a few days as they took their annual anniversary trip to San Diego. That, however, took some bribing and the promise of gas money on their end.

He's not due to arrive until tomorrow morning, and you've convinced yourself there's no reason for you to see him right away. You'd be fine if the next time you saw him was in a few months as you're moving into your dorm. After years of longing, you've finally moved on from him.

Some of you have debated telling Somi about your past feelings for her brother, but there's no point. It was a one-sided relationship with absolutely zero depth, nothing worth discussing. So when she nudges your side and asks if you're interested in anyone, you reply with a shake of your head.

Somi has no reaction to this; she can't remember the last time you've been into anyone despite having the entire male population at your school practically throwing themselves at you. "Maybe you'll meet someone tonight."

She's referencing the house party you're going to, which she practically had to drag you out of your room to attend. Parties are different from your scene, especially on a day like today when you were hoping to have a girls' night with Somi. She had other plans, however.

"Maybe," you respond, sighing as the house you're attending is finally in your viewpoint. "We're not staying long, right? It looks packed."

Cars are parked throughout the street, one house, in particular, being the center of attention with loud music and drunk people decorating the front yard of a suburban-looking home. Somi looks as ecstatic as ever, looping her arm in yours and picking up her pace. She doesn't respond. It doesn't matter. Her response would've disregarded your concern.

One car catches your eye as you enter the unfamiliar house; it's parked towards the end of the street, and you swear you've been in it before. You're not able to dwell on it for too long, though, because Somi has to practically yank you through the front door.

Your nerves are at an all-time high. The music is entirely too loud, and there isn't a single sober person in sight. You're not sure how Somi even found out about this party, but you really wish she would've left you out of it. You'd go now if it were acceptable, but Somi would've stayed regardless, and you refuse to leave her alone. So, you push your feelings to the side and take her hand as she leads you towards the kitchen.

"Thirsty?" Somi questions, forcing a red solo cup into your hand.

"Not at all," you respond, sighing as Somi pours something into your cup.

"It's just ginger ale," she reassures you, "I don't think either of us should get drunk here." For once, she's being reasonable.

Somi suggests you do a lap around the house in hopes of running into people you may have gone to school with. And to your surprise, a decent amount of your past classmates have decided to attend. You feel more at ease with them around, a bit more comfortable now that you're around recognizable people. Although you initially hesitated to show up, you're glad you did.

"Anybody catch your eye yet? Or are you still breaking hearts?" Your old classmate, Yeoreum, questions.

You shake your head, about to explain that you're not interested in dating right now, until she gestures behind you. "That guy is pretty cute."

You shift on the couch, looking around until you spot who Yeoreum had been gesturing towards. You locate him finally, and she's right; he is cute. He just seems so familiar.

That's when it hits you.

"Oh my God," you whisper, eyes locked on him, and you slowly rise from the couch.

It's Jungkook. And the car you recognized was his. He's here. What is he doing here? He isn't due to be back until tomorrow morning.

You almost don't realize it's him until you spot the mole under his lip. He's grown his hair out and stopped dyeing it, the slew of tattoos that decorated his arm (God, did he start working out, too?) nicely connected, now creating a sleeve, and he's given himself an eyebrow piercing. Your feelings for him come rushing back in full force.

Panicked, you reach for Somi's hand, but she's nowhere to be found. Careful not to be seen by her brother, you bow your head slightly, passing through a crowd of sweaty bodies until you finally spot her kitty heels. She's leaned against a wall, swirling around her cup while flirting with some guy you'd seen around school a few times.

Creating some much-needed distance between the two, you tug Somi towards you. "I think I just saw your brother."

"What? No, he won't even be in the city until tomorrow morning."

Frustrated, you quickly search the crowd until your eyes land on him again. You ignore the fact that he's now speaking to some girl with red hair and tattoos scattered across her arm and point in their direction, "Well, then that guy looks just like him."

Somi squints her eyes in disbelief at the boy in question until the doubt becomes confusion, and the confusion becomes realization. "Oh my God! The fuck is he doing here?" She turns towards you as if you're supposed to have the answer.

"The fuck should I know? You said he wouldn't be here until tomorrow morning!"

"Because that's what he told our parents! How was I supposed to know he was gonna be here? I never would've come if I knew!"

"What are you guys doing here?" A voice you haven't heard in so long interrupts. You don't even want to turn around.

"What are you doing here?" Somi throws back, and the two stare at each other in angry silence for a moment until Jungkook steps to the side. "Upstairs," he says, nodding towards the staircase.

"But—"

"Go."

Somi's clearly aggravated but makes her way towards the stairs. You remain in place with your arms crossed, raising a brow in confusion when Jungkook looks at you. "What?"

"You too."

"I'm not—"

"I'm not asking again," he says simply. You convince yourself that you only take his command because you don't feel like fighting. Definitely not because it's interesting to have him boss you around.

Trudging up the stairs behind Somi, you wait with her in the hallway until Jungkook arrives. "Come on," he says, entering a bathroom and turning the light on. Neither you nor Somi protest; there really isn't any point.

As soon as the door is shut, Somi is yelling at the top of her lungs. "What the fuck are you doing here?! You said you wouldn't be back until tomorrow morning! Mom and Dad had to push their trip back just to give you more time to arrive, and you're already fucking here?! The fuck is the matter with you?!"

"I'm not gonna respond if you're gonna be yelling like this." Jungkook says calmly, leaning against the sink, "Let me get my questions out first, then I'll answer any of yours, deal?"

Somi glances over at you, sitting on the bathtub's edge, and you nod. She returns her attention back to Jungkook, takes a deep breath, then agrees.

"Now, what are you guys doing here?! How'd you even get invited?! And you're drinking?!" The calm demeanor from earlier slips away in a matter of seconds, clearly a hoax just to get Somi to calm down enough to let him speak.

"It's just ginger ale, and we've barely even had any! We were invited by our friends, okay? We have just as much right to be here as you do."

Jungkook scoffs, clearly unamused. "Right, and I'm assuming Mom and Dad know you're here then, huh?"

Somi nervously tucks a hair behind her ear. You wonder why you even have to be in here with them. It's not like Jungkook is your brother, anyway.

"We told our parents that we were going to a birthday party at a friend's house." Somi mumbles, barely able to look Jungkook in the eye.

"And what did they say when they dropped you guys off?"

"They didn't drop us off," you interrupt, "we walked here."

"Well, I wasn't gonna tell him that." Somi glares at you, it takes every bone in your body to not to laugh at her.

You're so over this. You didn't want to attend this dumb party in the first place, and seeing Jungkook flirting with some girl who could've been his female counterpart was the icing on the cake. It doesn't matter if your feelings for him were gone before tonight; every little emotion you'd felt for him over the years had returned (as if they ever left).

"And how exactly did you two geniuses plan on getting home?"

"Same way we got here."

"Can you please just let me handle this? Jesus Christ…" Somi shoots another frustrated glare at you, and you can't help but roll your eyes at her. She turns back towards her brother, "Can you answer my questions now?"

Jungkook's eyes anxiously dart around the cramped bathroom, landing on you a few times before he's slowly nodding his head. "Alright, Mom and Dad basically forced me to spend the whole summer here, and I kept asking myself why they were so persistent about it. They finally told me they needed me to watch over you and the house for their stupid trip. I had plans too, you know? That I had to derail for them. My band could've spent this summer touring, making real money, and now we can't. So, they wanna inconvenience me? I'll inconvenience them right back."

"…Inconvenience them by doing what?" Somi asks the exact question you had.

Jungkook shrugs, "By telling them I'm gonna be arriving a day late, duh."

You and Somi exchange an awkward glance at one other before silently agreeing not to tease him about it. If this was his badass way of retaliating, who were you to rain on his parade?

"Are you gonna tell anyone you saw us here?" Somi questions, a noticible tremble in her voice.

"As long as you guys don't tell anyone you saw me."

It's a fair trade, you accept it. You're even more delighted when Jungkook says he's taking the two of you home. Somi, however, isn't too happy about this, claiming there were so many people she didn't get to speak to, and how'd this be the last time she'd get to see them before moving away for school. You're not sure if Somi is really good at getting what she wants, or if Jungkook was tired of hearing her complain, but he finally gives in and grants her ten more minutes to socialize before meeting him at his car.

"If you're not at my car in ten minutes, I swear to God I'm calling mom." Jungkook scolds, holding the bathroom door open as the three of you finally exit.

A loud, drunk voice suddenly shouts, "Woah, Jungkook! Two girls at the same time!? You fucking beast!"

"They're my sisters, you fucking pervert!" He shouts back.

You can't even dwell on how disgusting the original comment was, only being able to focus on the fact that Jungkook just reffered to you as his sister. As conceited as it may sound, you're not used to rejection or guys putting you in the friend-zone. Whatever little game Jungkook had been playing with you over the years was completely new territory. And right when you think things couldn't possibly get any worse, he calls you his sister.

What the actual fuck.

The next ten minutes go by in a blur; Somi has ditched you for a second time that night to talk to the guy from earlier. When it's finally time to leave, you find her Sat on his lap with her arm hung across his shoulder, laughing at an unfunny pickup line he'd used on her.

"It's time, Somi," you interrupt, helping her stand.

"Wait, wait, wait," she persists, directing her attention back to the boy, "tomorrow at five, right?"

"And not a second later." He sends her a disgusting wink that makes your skin crawl.

Somi is so love-struck you're surprised there isn't an arrow lodged in her back. She can barely form a proper sentence, erupting into a fit of giggles every few seconds as you make your way to Jungkook's car. "Wasn't he just gorgeous?"

You shrug, linking arms with her. "He was alright."

Stunned, Somi gasps at you, "Just alright? He was literally like a Greek God."

"I'm not saying he's unattractive; he's just...not really my type."

"And what is your type, Miss. Never-Has-Been-Interested-In-Anyone?"

Now, there's the question of the hour. You have to word your response very carefully; don't be too obvious about the fact that your ideal type is her older sibling.

"I guess I prefer guys with an edgier look to them, you know? Tattoos, piercings..." Despite your attempt to sound as nonchalant as possible, your heart is beating out of your chest from the mild confession.

Somi snickers, then playfully groans. "It sounds like you're describing my brother."

Now, you really have to test the waters.

"Since you brought him up, would it be so bad if I did like Jungkook? Hypothetically speaking, of course." You're not sure what prompts you to even ask this. It's not like he's even interested in you; he literally just referred to you as his sister.

A beat of silence passes as Somi gathers her thoughts, then she says, "No."

"What?"

You've finally reached Jungkook's car at this point, beating him there. You sit atop the trunk, feet hovering above the ground as the cold, nighttime air swirls around you. Somi shakes her head, "Obviously, it wouldn't be the ideal situation, but I guess I wouldn't mind as long as you talked to me about it first."

"First?" You mimic.

"Like...assuming you'd wanna date him or something. Just so I'm not blindsided, you know?"

This is the last thing you would've expected your impulsive, hotheaded (yet oh-so-loveable) best friend to be reasonable about. Mainly because she lectured you for nearly twenty minutes when she first suspected you had a crush on Jungkook.

You go to respond, but Jungkook, finally arriving at the car, captivates both of your attention. He finishes off his can of Pepsi before crushing the aluminum and tossing it to the ground. "Ready?" He questions.

There's no point in giving him a speech about littering; you're just ready to go home.

He fishes his keys from his pocket and unlocks the car door; Somi opens the backseat and jumps in before you have the chance, sprawling across the aged leather. "Move over," you nudge her foot with your knee; she pulls away from you.

Jungkook calls your name, "Just sit up front. She's not gonna move."

Now, this is new. You've ridden in the backseat of his car with Somi more times than you can count; he'd never allow either of you to sit shotgun with him; typical annoying older brother bullshit.

Don't make a big deal out of this, you say to yourself, climbing into the passenger seat of his car.

Somi and Jungkook bicker the entire ride to their parent's house, partially out of annoyance with each other, but you also get the feeling that neither of them were genuinely ready to leave the party. You're surprised Jungkook even enjoyed parties; he spent most of high school either working, hanging out at skate parks, or practicing with his band in their garage. College must've really changed him, and you're unsure how to feel about it.

Jungkook parks a few houses down from their parent's house and unlocks the doors, "Get out," he says into the backseat.

"Where are you gonna spend the night?" Somi questions, stretching her arms outward.

"I checked into a motel this morning. I'll be back here tomorrow around noon. And, hey," Jungkook turns around, pointing a finger at his sister. "Don't tell them you saw me."

Mockingly, Somi points a finger right back at him. "Telling them I saw you would be exposing myself, cock-sucker. Leave me alone." She angrily begins to climb out of the car, annoyed at how little trust Jungkook had in her.

You turn to go, but Jungkook's cold hand on your bicep stops you, "Where you goin'?"

"I'm gonna walk home from here. It's only a few minutes away," you respond.

Jungkook shakes his head, "I'm dropping you off. You haven't moved since I left, right?"

"No, but it's fi—"

"Then your house is on the way to my motel. We're going in the same direction; might as well ride together."

It truly does make more sense to ride together, and rejecting his offer any further surely would raise suspicions. You don't want either of them to believe you'd feel uncomfortable being alone with Jungkook because that couldn't be farther from the truth. You're perplexed about your feelings now, and you don't want to do anything you'd regret just because of the confusion.

"Okay, then." You glance over your shoulder at Somi, "Will you need any help getting ready for your date tomorrow?"

Suddenly embarrassed, Somi shushes you, gesturing that Jungkook is literally right next to you and would prefer that he didn't hear about her dating life. Jungkook genuinely couldn't care less and is instead patiently waiting for his sister to get out.

She does finally, and Jungkook resumes his path to your house. He turns the radio on, switching between stations until he stops on one that's playing a song he's familiar with. You drive silently for a few minutes; the only sounds being heard are the distant noises from the car's motor and Jungkook humming along to the radio.

He breaks the silence by saying, "I was surprised to see you back there. You never really seemed like the type to enjoy parties."

You chuckle, "I could say the same for you; I don't remember you attending any in high school."

"That's 'cause house parties weren't my thing," he explains, "I went to raves or parties that would happen at the skate park. I don't really like being at someone else's house for too long; it feels too intimate."

Now that you think of it, skate park parties and raves seem much more like his scene.

"Well, I only went because Somi was going, and I didn't feel comfortable with her being there alone. Otherwise, I never would've gone." You admit, resting your head against the window.

"Thanks for looking after her, by the way. You're a good friend."

"I'd do anything for her." Your voice is barely a whisper now, getting quieter with every word you say.

Silence passes, and he says, "Did you know your guys' dorm room is gonna be right under ours?"

"Seriously?" You respond, genuinely curious.

"Mmm-hmm. My roommate, Mingyu, and I are gonna be the worst upstairs neighbors ever." He teases as you roll your eyes. Your mind can't decipher whether this banter is playful & platonic or romantic. Everything Jungkook does confuses you.

"If that's the case, I'll be sure to move to an entirely new building."

"What, so you can have your boyfriend protect you?"

Pause. Boyfriend?

You nearly give yourself whiplash from how hard you spun around to look at Jungkook. "Boyfriend?" You ask.

He shrugs nonchalantly, keeping his eyes on the road. "I just assumed you'd have one by now. Do you?"

There he is again with his mind games. What the fuck was he talking about?

After letting out a very frustrated sigh, you mumble, "No, Jungkook, I do not have a boyfriend."

"Good. Focus on school."

Now he's pissing you off. You wish he'd shut up for the rest of the car ride. "It's nice to see you again, by the way."

Holy shit, you feel like jumping out the window.

"Yeah, great seeing you too. Oh, there's my house. I can walk from here." You make quick work of undoing your seatbelt.

"You sure? I can drop you off at the door."

"No, no. It's best if my parents don't see you so they don't accidentally tell your parents that they saw you." You lie, racking your brain for any excuse imaginable.

He nods, deciding it's best to drop you off a little further from your house. "Then, I'll see you tomorrow?"

"What?" You stop dead in your tracks, one hand clutching the door handle.

"Aren't you coming over tomorrow to help Somi get ready for her…thing? I'll be back home by then."

He's right; you'd be back in his house, and he'll be there this time. It's no big deal. You'd only be there for an hour (at most) to help her prepare, and then you could go the whole summer without seeing him again.

"Yeah, I'll see you then."

The following day, Somi is back to her unreasonable self, expecting you to wait at her house for her to return from her date.

"Please? We're just going to get pizza; we won't even be gone that long." She pleads, adding the finishing touches to her makeup.

You'd already spent over an hour helping her prepare, and now she expects you to do nothing but await her return. You know her heart's in the right place; she just wants to be the first to hear all the exhilarating details about her date. Still, a phone call would suffice.

"What am I supposed to do while I wait for you to come back?" You whine.

"Just hang out here! Watch a movie or something!" She suggests, trying her absolutely hardest to sound enthusiastic. Her phone buzzes in her hand before she has the chance to continue, eyes lighting up as they flicker across the bright screen.

Somi clutches her phone, locks eyes with you, then rushes towards the door. You're faster, though, quickly capturing her wrist before she's barely reached the hallway. "I'm going home."

"No! If you stay here, I'll bring you back pizza, and we can have a girls' night like we were supposed to yesterday! Come on, please?" She begs, pouting her lips.

You go to reply, but the bathroom door swings open, and Jungkook strides out. Just to your luck, he's shirtless; water droplets descend from his hair as he towel-dries it. As he enters his bedroom, he mocks his sister's high-pitched whine, earning a lethal glare and a slew of swears thrown at him.

Perhaps you should stay.

"Fine, but you're lending me your pajamas." You give in, earning an enthusiastic shriek from your best friend.

Somi wraps you in a brief, yet tight, hug before shouting, "Be back soon!" Then she's rushing down the stairs and out the front door. It's not often that Somi makes you wait for her return, but you absolutely despise it whenever it does occur. She's never back by the time she promises and gets upset when you try to call and check up on her.

And speaking of calling, you're sure your phone is dead by now. You insisted Somi bring her's along just in case, so you're left with one option.

Jungkook's door is wide open (as usual) when you go to knock. He's fully clothed now, pairing his black sweatpants with a matching black t-shirt. His hair appears mostly dry now, chaotic as ever, but dry. You don't think he's ever looked this good before.

He's sat on his bed, flipping through the latest copy of Rolling Stone when you arrive. He glances over at you and lets out a dry chuckle.

"What's so funny?" You ask.

"You're dressed like Bella Swan." He responds casually, eyes raking up and down your body.

"Who?"

"From Twilight. You know, that new movie that came out?" He seems genuinely surprised that you don't seem to know anything about this movie, not even the name of (who you suspect to be) the main character.

You lean against the doorframe, "Haven't seen it."

"It's a great movie, seriously. Some friends and I are seeing it in a few days if you and Somi wanna come." He suggests, flipping another page in the magazine.

You let him know you'll ask Somi if she's interested before remembering why you came to his room in the first place and ask if you can borrow his phone charger. Jungkook directs you to where it's plugged up by his desk, and you finally have the chance to stroll further into his room. You can't recall the last time you've been in here, but you know it looks much different than before. Many of the band posters that decorated the room were gone, his random trinkets and piles of clothes were gone, and not a single piece of his CD collection was in sight. It felt so lifeless, so unlike him. No wonder he always dreaded returning home; it probably didn't even feel like home to him.

"So," you say, attempting to break the silence, "you're here for the whole summer, huh?"

"Unfortunately." He mumbles, "Gonna try and go by sooner, convince my parents I have to sort out an issue with my dorm or something."

"It's nice to have you back, though." You admit, watching as Jungkook's gaze locks on yours.

"Yeah? It is?" He questions.

You shrug, "Of course. We practically grew up together; it was weird to not see you all the time."

He sits up now, closing the magazine and tossing it on his nightstand. There's something on his mind that he isn't saying; you can tell from the way his brows knit together and how he's anxiously tugging on his lip piercing. "It was weird to be gone," he mumbles and leaves it at that.

"By the way, I'm sorry about last night." He apologizes.

"For what? Calling me your sister?"

He laughs at this, shaking his head. "I didn't mean to do that on purpose, by the way. That guy was just...so weird, I kinda blurted out the first thing that would've made him feel weird for even thinking that."

Oh. That makes sense. You definitely overreacted.

"I meant," he continues, "I'm sorry if the whole boyfriend assumption thing upset you."

"Oh," you dismissively wave a hand at him, "that was nothing."

Jungkook raises a brow at you, "Are you sure? 'Cause you seemed pretty upset afterward, you were practically running out of my car."

There's no point in lying now, considering you weren't even the slightest bit discrete the previous night.

"If I'm being completely honest, I just felt a little awkward. But that's it, I swear." You assure him, moving to lean against the bedside table.

"Awkward about what?"

God, this was so embarrassing. Is he really going to make you humiliate yourself like this?

"Because I've never actually had a boyfriend before."

Jungkook looks genuinely shocked at your confession, eyes nearly bulging out of his head as he examines yours for any sign of deception. "You don't believe me?"

"I'm not sure. I only assumed you had one just based on how crazy guys were about you in high school. Not to mention you're, like, fucking gorgeous."

What?

"I'm what?" You ask, not entirely sure if you heard him correctly.

He repeats himself again, and you make him do it a few more times until he's too embarrassed to say it again. You somehow manage to get back on the topic of never having a boyfriend before when Jungkook asks you another question. "Have you ever...?"

He doesn't need to finish the sentence. You know what he's asking.

You shake your head.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business." He berates himself, and you assure him it's no big deal and that it shouldn't even be a shocker to him.

After a half hour of talking about whatever comes to mind, you wind up sitting opposite Jungkook on his bed, legs perched up underneath your body as you go back and forth, questioning one another.

"So, when are you gonna admit you had a crush on me?" His voice is barely a whisper.

"I never did." You lie.

"Really? That sucks?"

"Why?"

He shrugs, leaning his back against the headboard. "I just always thought that maybe you and I would've ended up together at some point."

You don't remember who leans in first; it doesn't matter; all that matters is after years of longing, your lips are finally intertwined with his. He must've smoked today; you can taste the nicotine on his breath. But it doesn't matter; you don't make the slightest move to pull away. Neither does he, placing his hands on the small of your back to guide you onto his lap.

Your body is moving on autopilot, limbs moving to do whatever feels right as you silently pray not to ruin the moment. Jungkook can spot your nervousness from a mile away and stop you, "We don't have to do—"

"I want to," you pant, breathless, "I've wanted this for so long."

"Do you trust me?" He asks.

"More than anything."

He kisses you again before adjusting your current position, slowly twisting yourselves until you're lying flat on your back. He moves his lips down towards your neck, leaving a trail of kisses in his path as he settles between your legs.

You reach up to grab a handful of his hair, nearly jumping out of your skin as his delicate fingertips creep up your inner thigh, inching closer and closer until his ghosting over your clothed pussy. "This okay?" He mumbles.

You nod, unable to form a coherent sentence. "Cute," he replies, "you're already so wet." His fingertips stroke your clit through your damp underwear; you don't think to wonder how he managed to get to it so quickly, all thoughts leaving your brain as he makes small circles using his middle and index finger.

"Jungkook…" You moan, pleading for him to do more.

"I know." He assures you, using a single finger to pull your panties to the side, making just enough room for him to slide a finger into your aching cunt. "Am I really your first time?"

You nod again out of fear that a moan would slip from your lips if you even tried to speak. His eyes are locked on yours, studying your expression as he coaxes a finger inside you. You're embarrassed at how quickly your wetness coated his finger, but Jungkook doesn't care. He likes it, makes him feel fucking amazing knowing the effect he had on you.

"Take your shirt off." He says, and you do as told, pulling your top up and off your body and tossing it to the floor; making quick work of undoing your bra before he even has the chance to ask.

His lips are back on your neck instantly, trailing down to your collarbone until he reaches the curve on your breast. He halts his actions momentarily before your pitched nipple is caught between his teeth and your back arching off the bed from how overstimulating everything feels.

You curse under your breath, and Jungkook makes another comment about how cute you are, though you feel far from it. He apologizes by lapping his tongue around your nipple, easing the pain slowly as he inserts a second finger into your cunt.

You can feel his bulge against your thigh, though he doesn't even care about getting himself off. He moves over to your nipple, licking and sucking until it's completely hardened, leaving himself breathless. The two fingers that had been working your cunt had picked up the pace now, and there was an unfamiliar feeling in your gut that you couldn't identify.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck…" You groan, legs trembling.

Jungkook is all too familiar with these actions and asks, "You're already close? I've barely done anything to you." He teases, chuckling to himself.

You know he's being lighthearted, but you can't help but feel embarrassed at the tears forming in your eyes from how good everything feels.

Suddenly, he's pulling his fingers out of you, and now you feel like crying for a different reason. You go to protest but stop to watch as he takes his shirt off. If you weren't sure then, it's obvious now he'd started attending the gym.

He makes quick work of tugging his sweatpants down his legs, tossing them into the abyss before reaching into his bedside table and retrieving a condom. "You're okay?"

You nod.

"Use your words."

“I’m okay, Jungkook.”

"You're still okay with this?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

Jesus fucking Christ, the saint this man is.

"I'm positive." You assure him.

You move to pull down your skirt and underwear, but Jungkook catches your wrist. "Leave them on," he says. There are so many things going on that you choose not to question.

He pulls off his boxers in the meantime, hardened cock slapping against his abdomen with precum leaking from the tip. Though you had nothing to compare it to, Jungkook was obviously slightly larger than average. You shouldn't be surprised; it's always the guys that you'd least expect.

He tears the condom wrapper with his teeth, retrieving the rubber inside before tossing the remains to his floor. Despite being fully erect, he fists his cock a few times before sliding the condom on.

He crawls over you, left arm at the side of his head, while he uses his dick to nudge your panties to the side. "This still okay?"

"I already told you—fuck!" He cuts you off, the tip of his cock slowly making its way inside you. You feel so stretched out from this alone you don't know how you'd manage to fit all of him into you.

Jungkook must be feeling the same, swearing under his breath and commenting about how tight you feel around him. Second by second, he coaxes himself into your pussy until you feel like you could split right open. "Are you all the way in?"

"No, can't take anymore?" He asks, leaning his head down against your ear.

You're embarrassed to admit he's too big to handle on your first time, but it's the truth. You don't want to overextend yourself just to please him and end up hurting yourself.

"You can move, just…not too much. Please."

Jungkook nods, "Whatever you want, angel."

He pulls his hips back and rocks himself back in, being sure to ask if you're okay with his pace. Once you confirm you feel fine and want him to keep going, he continues his movements; his eager hips snapping against yours and his cock hitting your G-spot with each deep stroke. You feel like you're on cloud nine, hands tangled in his hair as he swallows your moans.

That unfamiliar feeling from earlier returns; you feel it through your entire body this time. A moan of his name escaping your lips lets him know you're close. How he can always sense these things is beyond you; it's not worth overthinking.

"Close?" He asks, and you nod frantically.

Jungkook picks up his speed slightly, careful not to overwhelm you, but just enough to reach your climax, until finally, the bundle of nerves in your abdomen snaps, and your back is arching off the mattress as you come around his cock.

He's only a few seconds behind with his orgasm, erupting in a loud grunt when he finally reaches it. The two of you lay in silence for a moment before Jungkook finally pulls out of you and slides the condom off, tying it in a knot and tossing it into his trash bin.

"Are you okay?" He asks for what feels like the millionth time.

"I'm fine." You respond, and it isn't a lie. Physically, you feel terrific; mentally, it was an entirely different story. "Are you?"

"I'm good, I'm good."

As much as you would love to lay naked with Jungkook in his bed for the rest of the night, you know Somi will be home anytime soon. "I think I'm gonna go wash up."

He nods, crawling under his covers once you stand from his bed, tugging your skirt to its proper length as you search for your remaining clothing. "Oh, it's um…your shirt, it's over there." Jungkook awkwardly gestures towards a pile of clothing by the end of his bed.

Almost as quickly as you shred yourself of them, you snatch your clothing and bundle them up against your chest.

"Listen, I know right now isn't really ideal, but I meant what I said about liking you, and really think we should talk." He says nervously, barely even able to look at you.

You almost want to laugh at how cute he is; instead, you agree to talk to him about it soon. You're about to head out into the hallway when Jungkook reminds you about your charging phone over by his desk.

You retrieve it and scan the area again, ensuring you haven't left anything else behind. When everything seems clear, you stand upright, but your eyes fall toward the trash bin near his window with the discarded condom. You're embarrassed to even look at it until you realize something seems off. It looks…empty.

Now, you're no sex expert, but imagine that if Jungkook had finished, there'd be something to show for it in the condom. Right?

Did he fake his orgasm? Was this another one of his fucked up mind games you'd been subjected to?

You don't know what to think as you step into the bathroom; your emotions are all over the place, and all you really want to do is go home. But you promised Somi you'd be here when she returns, so you stay.

The next time a Jeon sibling asks if you're okay is twenty minutes later when Somi finally arrives and asks why your eyes are so watery.

"I'm fine." You respond, and you're lying for the first time that night.

#bts #bts imagines #bts smut #bts x reader #jeon jungkook #jungkook imagine #jungkook scnenario #jungkook smut #kpop imagine #kpop smut #kpop scenario

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disturbedbeautywrites · 9 months

Text

Cardigan - Rafe Cameron Imagine

Word count: 4.5 k (Longest fic I've ever written!!!)

Warnings: Illusions to smut, a lot of angst and heartbreak, and swearing. 18+ only Minors DNI

The italics are flash backs, so I hope this isn't too confusing to read!

Vintage tee, brand new phone High heels on cobblestones When you are young, they assume you know nothing Sequined smile, black lipstick Sensual politics When you are young, they assume you know nothing

Life in outer banks was paradise, or at least it was supposed to be. Growing up, you had been blessed enough to be the rich side of the island and known as a kook. Your parents were pretty well off and you grew up next door to the Cameron’s. You had a good relationship with both of the kids, or you did anyways. You were never as high up on the popularity chain of politics at school as they were, but that didn’t keep you from fittings in with them.

Summer had just started; which meant that the first party of the year was creeping up that night. “What should I wear?” You were standing in your closet, eyes scanning the choices you had. You could wear an old band tee and a pair of jeans, or you could dress up a bit. But, that wasn’t really your style, it never had been. “Just wear your old nirvana tee, I love how that looks on you.” Your friends voice cemented your choice as you changed into the clothes, putting your makeup on. You were almost ready when you heard a gasp, your eyes lingering on your best friend as you waited for her to get on with the dramatics.

“Rafe is coming tonight.” The words hung in the air as you just clicked your tongue and tried not to think about what those words meant. “Do you still wanna go?” Reminders of the heart break the boy brought on filled your head as you swallowed thickly, thinking of if you wanted to deal with the feelings coming back. However, that slowly slipped out of your control as you skidded back into the recesses of your mind that had been taken up by the Cameron boy.

He ran a hand through his hair as he gnawed on his bottom lip. He wasn’t expecting you to act this way. “Come on, her and I were just having fun. You have no right to act like this.” His words infuriated you as you shook your head and laughed under your breath, of course he was that clueless. “Actually, I do. Fuck you. You can’t have us both like this.” And with that you stormed off, leaving him standing stunned and alone in the middle of the crowded party.

"(Y/N), come on. Do you still wanna go or not?" Your friend stood in front of you, her keys dangling off her finger as she tried to get your attention. You didn't realize you had zoned out until she snapped you out of it, an embarrassed blush taking over your face as you nodded. "Yeah, sure. I deserve to get out for a bit."

But I knew you Dancin' in your Levi's Drunk under a streetlight, I I knew you Hand under my sweatshirt Baby, kiss it better, I

As soon as you agreed, your friend could be heard cheering and taking your hand. She pulled you down to her car and quickly got in, driving towards the party.

She drug you inside, the sounds of kids cheering and music that was way too loud immediately filled your ears. The smell of weed and alcohol was impossible to ignore as the two of you made your way to the kitchen to grab a drink, the two of you leaning against the counter to people watch. You saw some of your old friends and went over to talk to them, laughing and smiling.

Time felt like it was flying as you enjoyed yourself, your body moving to the music with your friends. You hadn't felt this free in what felt like ever and it was a refreshing feeling. "Oh, shit. Excuse me." You felt someone run into you and you turned to look at who it was, meeting an all too familiar pair of steely blue eyes. Your mouth opened to say something before it closed again, your eyes now landing on the girl standing next to Rafe. Sofia, of course. You just gave a small, tight lipped smile as you saw a flash of sadness in the boys eyes.

You pretended to ignore it as you turned to your friends, telling them you would be right back. You walked outside and sat by the pool at the party, soft whimpers leaving your lips as you heard your name being called from behind you. Why did he have to be here? Why? Why why why? The questions kept piling up in your mind as you let yourself remember when everything was simple and easy; when you were the girl attached to his hip. When you were the girl he pulled along with him at parties and showed off.

“Rafe, come on.” Your words were drug out as you tried to pull the man up off the couch, his Levi’s feeling scratchy against your bare legs. He just sat back, an amused smile on his lips as he let you continue to try and pry him off the couch. “Come on, sweetheart. Gotta try harder than that.” The smugness in his voice was all but aggravating as you threw your arms over your chest, crossing them in frustration.

The boy in front of you finally took the hint and got up, his hands finding yours with one as his other slid around your waist. He held you close, humming softly as he spun you around the kitchen. The two of you were best friends, or were you more? You didn’t know. The two of you just always acted like this and no one asked anything about it and you never had any doubts. He leaned his forehead against yours, his breath mingling with yours as he leaned in.

Just before he kissed you, his phone started ringing and it caused the both of you to jump apart. “Hey, Top.” He put the phone up to his ear and listened to the other boy, nodding and glancing at you as he chewed on his bottom lip. “Yeah, man. (Y/N) and I will be there.” He said goodbye and looked at you, a smirk on his lips. “Come to the bar with the guys and I.” You knew you didn’t have a choice, nodding as you ran to go change.

After the excitement of the night wore off you stood next to Rafe outside the bar, his arm thrown around your waist as he talked to Kelce. The alcohol was pumping through both of your veins, your eyes moving from the boy towering above you and the streetlight you were standing under. “Well, I gotta go. It was good to see you guys.” Kelce gave you a nod and a smile before he left, leaving you and Rafe to your own devices.

You leaned against the streetlight, a love drunk smile on your lips as you looked up at the boy who was now leaning against you. “What?” Your words were innocent and quiet as you felt Rafe’s hand slide up on your waist, his cold fingers on your waist as he leaned in to attach his lips to yours. He tasted like bourbon and cigarettes, the taste intoxicating as you reached up and tangled your fingers in his hair.

That was the first time you guys kissed, but it definitely wasn’t the last.

And when I felt like I was an old cardigan Under someone's bed You put me on and said I was your favorite

“Rafe, do you wanna come home with me?” The girls words rang out in your head as you stood next to him at the party, a crushing feeling starting in the pit of your stomach and in your chest. You were right next to him. Didn’t she see you? Or did she just not care?

Your eyes ran over the girl, feeling a bit insecure. She clearly was higher up on the pyramid than your family when it came to money, her flashy jewelry and clothes making that obvious. She was pretty, very pretty in fact. But, Rafe didn’t seem bothered. He just shook her off and pulled you closer, smiling down at you as he leaned and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips.

You didn’t know what you were to Rafe. You didn’t know if the two of you were just best friends still, friends with benefits, or dating. You didn’t know. But, you knew he made you feel special. He made you feel important. “You’re all I ever need.”

A friend to all is a friend to none Chase two girls, lose the one When you are young, they assume you know nothing

Rafe was a player, you knew that from a best friend stand point and from the standpoint of just having a pair of eyes. He did not like to every commit to just one girl. "It's too boring." The conversation was one the two of you had a lot; especially when his hookups came whining to you about what was happening. It always slightly broke you, and you weren't sure if it was jealously or just seeing the sheer heartbreak these girls went through at the fingertips of someone you knew that well.

"I'm just playing the field until I find someone I want to really settle down with." His explanations always were an attempt at getting away with it. And for a while, you let them work. You would just apologize to the girls and go about your life. After all, you weren't his mom. You couldn't control him.

But, the game seemed to change once you got wrapped up in it. It didn't seem so fair anymore and guilt ate at your stomach; wondering who else was getting the same treatment you were. But, hey. He wouldn't do that to you, would he? Surely not.

But I knew you Playing hide-and-seek and Giving me your weekends, I I knew you Your heartbeat on the High Line Once in twenty lifetimes, I

Rafe sung in the shower, that was a tid-bit that you knew that not many other people did. But, as you sat on his bed and listened to his voice carrying out of the bathroom, the angelic tone mixing with the falling of the water, you felt like the luckiest girl in the world.

You got to see all of his quirks that he hid from the world because they didn't seem to be manly enough. For instance, anytime he took medicine he almost always gagged and he didn't like the feeling of scratchy sweaters. He was human, but it often got lost in the perfection act that he had to put on for everyone.

But, as the water stopped you got a maniacal idea and decided to try and scare your beloved best friend. You scampered out of bed and went to hide behind the door to his bathroom, praying that he didn't accidentally slam it on you as he walked past. "(Y/N)?" His voice was softer now that he was out of the shower and it wasn't vibrating off the walls, his blue eyes scanning his room for you.

You stood in your place, hand over your mouth to hide your giggles. However, it was fruitless and soon you were being pulled into his tight chest. His arms wound around your waist as he twirled you around, both of your laughter filling the room. "Put me down! You're getting me soaked!" You instantly regretted the words as soon as Rafe let out a signature chuckle and winked at you, setting you down on the floor. Your bare feet felt soft against the hardwood floor as you landed softly, his eyes meeting yours. "Oh, I can show you soaked." And with that, you were shoving his chest away with a huff. "You're so perverted."

That was your friendship with him. It was everything good and innocent until it wasn't. "Come with me to the bar this weekend." After he had gotten dressed the two of you were now laying in his bed, your head in his lap as he scanned through text messages. His eyes would dart down to you every once in a while, his eyebrows raising in a half question and half statement as you considered it. "Maybe I want you to suffer without me." It was a joke, and you both knew it. But, it was fun to push his buttons. A scoff left his pretty lips before a pout overtook it, blue irises boring into your soul. "Oh, come on. You can't possibly leave me with Kelce and Topper. You know how much of a vibe killer they are."

The words elicited a laugh from your lips as you nodded in a shared understanding, though you had love for all three of the boys, Rafe wasn't wrong. The weekends were usually spent with Topper whining about Sarah and Kelce whining about the new girl who he struck out with. You really needed to give them some pointers, but it always fell on deaf ears. They never believed any of your tips. "I'll only go if you say please." You moved to sit up, looking at him with a raised brow as you put the ball in his court. "You know that word is like poison. You're evil." Your shoulders shrugged as you crossed your arms over your chest. You weren't kidding, and he knew it. "Fine. Please come with me oh lovely (Y/N). I will simply die without your presence." His dramatics made you laugh and nod as you leaned in to kiss his lips, taking solace in the warmth and giddiness they provided.

To kiss in cars and downtown bars Was all we needed You drew stars around my scars But now I'm bleedin'

The weekend came and you kept your promise of accompanying Rafe to the bar downtown with the boys. But, you hardly even paid attention to what was happening with the other two. You and Rafe were lost in your own little world, his lips almost always at the shell of your ear as he whispered drunk nothings into it.

"You make me so damn happy." The words caused goosebumps to run along your entire body, your eyes daring to peak up into his. His pupils were blown, no doubt the cause of the liquor that he had been drinking since you had walked into the packed bar. But, there was an ounce of truth there that was so raw and so Rafe. He could be tough, he could be scary, but around you he was raw and real. Or, so you thought.

"Any man would be incredibly lucky to have you." His words were beginning to slur as he pulled you into a kiss, his arm wrapping around your waist as he pulled you closer. The kiss got deeper and more passionate, your hands tangling in his hair and yanking slightly. This was perfect. It was everything you ever needed. "Let's go out to your truck." Your words were breathy and quiet as he gave you a knowing smirk. He took your hand and told Kelce and Topper he would be back; which earned a whistle and a wink from the other two. "Use a condom! We don't need anymore of you two." Oh, Kelce. Always the PTA mom when it came to you.

You brushed the two of them off as you walked out to the truck and Rafe helped you inside, the kisses shared enough to make your head spin. "I've never done this before." The words were a quiet and shameful confession as the kisses got more heated and the lines between friends and more started to blur. "I got you. Don't worry." His words were whispered into your neck as you felt euphoria start to take over. You had never felt anything like what Rafe was showing you right now. "You're so beautiful."

That was the night that Rafe took everything from you and you willingly let it happen. You let the lines blur, you let the alcohol and the pleasure take over your every instinct that was yelling at you this was dangerous. You knew he was a player, but maybe he was changing. Maybe he would want more after this. Maybe. Maybe..

'Cause I knew you Steppin' on the last train Marked me like a bloodstain, I I knew you Tried to change the ending Peter losing Wendy, I I knew you Leavin' like a father Running like water, I And when you are young, they assume you know nothing

Boy, you could not have been more wrong. After Rafe took your virginity that night, it seemed as if something clicked in his brain that you guys went too far. He was more distant and unavailable.

That was until Sofia came to town and Rafe fell for her hook line and sinker. He met her at a party and lit up like a little kid on Christmas. You had been standing with him, his arm against your waist as he kept his eyes trained on her. She was moving to the beat in a way that you couldn’t, her eyes locking with Rafe’s. She motioned him over; your stomach dropping as he pushed off the wall and seemed to happily oblige to her request.

His body molded into hers immediately, his lips finding hers as they swayed to the tone of the music together. It was sickening for you to watch, bile rising up in your throat as you decided to walk outside. However, he called after you and pulled the new girl over. "(Y/N), wait!" His voice stopped you in your tracks as you gave a fake smile, looking at him expectantly. "This is my best friend, (Y/N). We’ve been best friends since we were practically in diapers." Best friend. The words stung as you recalled the feel of his lips, the taste of his tongue, the feeling of his arms around you. How was that just something best friends did? You knew it wasn't and you all but held back a sob.

"It's so nice to meet you! I'm Sofia." She held her hand out for you and you took it, giving the most awkward hand shake you had ever given. You gave the best fake smile that you could muster up before you excused yourself to go back to your friends.

Throughout the night you could feel his eyes on you as you danced with other guys, having fun despite the circumstances. “What do you think you’re doing?” You heard the all too familiar voice behind you as he pressed a kiss to your neck, his arms snaking around your waist. “I’m dancing and having fun. Where’s Sofia?” The words had a bite to it that you weren’t expecting, but as Rafe’s hips stilled you could tell you caught him off guard.

He licked his lips and turned you towards him, his eyes locking on yours. “She left. What’s with the attitude?” His eyebrows went up and knitted together as he looked you over and tried to read you like a book. He knew you like the back of his hand, or so he thought. He could tell you were upset, but he didn’t realize it was with him. He thought you were just a little buzzed and the alcohol was making you act weird. But, unfortunately for him he was reading the words on the page wrong and it would come back to bite him in the ass. “You we’re just hanging all over her and now you’re here hanging all over me. Is this a joke to you?” Your words exposed your hurt as you glared at the boy that you knew better than anyone, his eyes flashing with confusion.

You left, sobbing as you shrunk down against your car outside. This was an absolute nightmare and it was affecting you deep to your core. This was a boy you’ve known for as long as you could remember. He was the one who wiped your tears when you fell. He was always there. "Friends forever." The words echoed in your head as you leaned your head back in frustration, cursing the words the two of you had sworn on as children.

That was the last time you had spoken to him, and now the wound was just as wide open as it was that day.

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs The smell of smoke would hang around this long 'Cause I knew everything when I was young I knew I'd curse you for the longest time Chasin' shadows in the grocery line I knew you'd miss me once the thrill expired And you'd be standin' in my front porch light And I knew you'd come back to me You'd come back to me And you'd come back to me And you'd come back

The sounds of the party had faded into the distance as you sat outside, head in your hands. Everything felt like it was a bad dream and you prayed that you could wake up from it. You wished you and Rafe had never started to get physical because that was when things got confusing. That was when feelings erupted and burst through the surface on your end. But, what if things had worked out? What if he had felt the same way about you?

The feeling of his lips still haunted your memory, a ghastly reminder of the impact the boy had on your life and your body. He was in your life for so long and then he was just gone, a faint memory of good times etched into your memory. It was like the faint smell of fire after a kegger, it lingered on your clothes and in your hair until you washed it off. But, it still always felt like it was there.

"He's an idiot for doing that to you. He'll be back once he realizes what he's missing out on." The talk you had with Sarah was resonating in your mind as you stared up at the stars of the backyard, their twinkling bringing a small sense of comfort as you let out a breath you did not realize you were holding.

"Hey." You swore you were hallucinating his voice and you actually prayed that you were. You didn't want to face him. You didn't want to see his pretty eyes, or see his shit eating grin that could light up the entirety of a room in an instant. No, that was your kryponite. That was the absolute thing that could make you break no matter what else was going on in your life. But, as you turned around and saw that exact sight, you knew you were in trouble.

"Shouldn't you be inside with your new girlfriend?" The words were pointed like a spear and you hoped it would wound him and cut deep. But, you knew he would never outwardly show if you did. However, the clearing of his throat was enough to show that they had at least pierced through the surface. "She's not my- That isn't important right now." You rolled your eyes as you stood up, looking up at his towering figure in front of you.

"Really, Rafe? Because she seemed pretty damn important when you completely forgot about me for her." Your voice was rising and you felt tears prickling at the waterline of your eyes, the big droplets falling down your cheeks. He was only back because he was bored of Sofia, you knew it. That had to be it. "She was a damn distraction." He was getting stressed, he was rubbing the palms of his hands against his jeans in a way that he thought you wouldn't see. But, unfortunately for him you did. "A distraction from what?" You hated how you took the bait and you also hated how he was walking closer.

His movements were slow and cautious as his hand moved under your chin, tilting your head up to his. "You." The single word answer was not what you were expecting, confusion crossing your face as you tried to read his reaction. "I fucking fell for you and I was afraid of fucking it up." His voice was saying all the things you ever wanted to hear, and yet you couldn't take them at face value. He had taken your virginity and dipped. He had abandoned you. He had left, after everything he had told you. And, you weren't ready to forgive him. You didn't think you could do that yet.

You just chuckled and shook your head, taking a step back. "I chased the ghost of our friendship around a graveyard of memories for the last month, Rafe. I'm not ready to forgive you just because you come spewing words about falling for me. For all I know, it could be a lie." Your words were not what he was expecting, that was obvious by the look in his eyes.

"What can I do to make it up to you?" His words were almost laughable at the rate of desperation that they were bred out of. It was a scared look, it was a flashback to growing up together, it was the feeling in his chest whenever you were around. It was the happiness that your laugh brought him, the bottle of your perfume he always kept in his car, the clothes of yours he kept in his dresser drawer. It was everything, you were the sun and the moon and all the stars. You were the entirety of his universe and now you were pushing everything into a black hole because he fucked up. That, in itself was enough to feel like death to him and he hated the fact that he messed up this bad.

"I don't know, Rafe. I'll let you know if I ever figure it out. Now, if you'll excuse me I have a party to get back too." And with that he watched you walk away, your head high and proud and your tears no longer falling for the boy and what could have been. You knew this would be better. You knew you deserved more than feeling like second best. You deserved the world, and you weren't going to have it given to you on someone else's time.

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2smolbeans · 7 months

Text

Another ramble I wanna talk about while I finish and write some requests.. Btw this is unedited of course!

But where are my female yandere CEOs x female readers???

Like I remember writing a story where the main character is just some poor girl who just graduated college, trying to figure out her shit while trying to come to terms with why most of her relationships with her boyfriends never work out.. Where the reader/character is tired of feeling like a failure, so burnt out and near the brink of edge - only to stumble upon a bar where she meets a heartbroken and clearly in shambles woman.

Where the two have a heart to heart, talking to each other about their problems and insecurities. Eventually having a 'fuck it' moment as the two of them got black out drunk together.

That moment where they wake up, realising the events prior to last night, freaking out when she realises that she's naked underneath the sheets with the woman from last night. Scrambling to get out as they have no idea what to do.

Quickly writing a letter to the woman, trying to write an apology as the reader realises that she was gonna be late for work. Only to stupidly forget last minute that she didn't even give the poor girl her number and just dipped out!

The moment where the main character contemplates on her life, where she comes to terms with her sexuality realising; Oh shit, I like women..Guess that makes a lot of sense now.

How, within a year, she would meet the woman again. How the yandere would immediately recognize her, scolding her while also laughing at her pathetic note that didn't even give her their contact at all!

"I really thought you just left me alone on purpose you know..That was until you left me that note. You were so sweet..Yet so rude!"

"Do you know how long I've been looking for you?!"

After that moment, the two of them met again. How ever since then, they were always in contact with each other. Chatting over the phone and going out on small hangout dates. Every day, she made sure to always check up on her.

Eventually, the main character would mention to her how much she hated her retail job. How it paid so little and demanded so much from her. So she offered a job position as a secretary to them. Promising that them would 100% get the job no matter how badly they did at the interview.

Finally, when getting the job, she would realize that the woman was the CEO of the company she now worked at as the secretary the whole time.

That moment when she told her friend, the CEO of their company, that she were thankful for her. That thanks to her, she was able to stand on her two feet.

How she was finally willing to give love another shot when she realised what and who you were attracted to.

How she didn't catch the scowl on the CEO'S face when she sweetly spoke to her.

"I give you everything..And you won't let me give you this one thing? Why not go out with me? I can give you more than enough than what a typical 'girlfriend' could ever."

"I'll spoil you to no end. Throw money at you! And you won't have to do a thing besides look pretty for me while I take care of you.."

How, since that moment, she was subtle with her advances towards the main character. Her hands lingered at a certain spot whenever the two of them were alone. Her eyes always wandering off, drinking in their body as she adored how cute they looked in uniform.

Of course they made a few stupid mistakes here and there. Going to anyone but her!

It was funny how most of their current ex girlfriends were either drug addicts, cheaters, or previous abusers..Wow doesn't she have terrible taste in women?

Don't worry though, she'll always be there, waiting for them to make the right decision. She'll welcome them with open arms when they realise how much they need her, how good they'll have it when they give into her.

.....

But yeah!

I just wish there were more Female Yandere CEO stories 😭😭

I've seen enough of the yandere male CEOs smh..

And just to make a note, this concept was based on an old yandere CEO story I made with two ocs--

_____________________________

#yandere x reader #yandere imagines #yandere prompt #yandere oc #yandere ceo #yandere female #female yandere x reader #female yandere x female reader #female reader #yandere ocs #oc things

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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WIBTA for moving out and leaving my roommate?

🦆 <- so I can find later

I (20X) am in uni currently in my sophomore year. I'm autistic and have social anxiety so I have terrible luck making friends and usually end up getting "adopted" by an extrovert. At my uni, it's typical to live in a double room - they do not have separate bedrooms/baths, it's essentially just a bedroom with two beds and two desks in them. My first year of uni I didn't end up with a roommate (which is apparently relatively common for first-years for various reasons) but the extrovert friend I made, let's call them P, did have a roommate that kinda sucked (blasting music into the early morning, bringing friends over without warning, etc).

P and I were friends during our freshman years in that we went out to dinners together and sometimes events. Both of us share the same sort of schedule (although they're in a STEM track and I'm an art history major) and ideals (neither of us are into drinking/drugs/partying). So, naturally, P suggested that we move in as roommates together in sophomore year.

Here's the problem. P is kind of abrasive and honestly downright rude at some points. We're friends, we still hang out and go to dinners/events together and joke around, but a lot of times their "joking around" is just hurtful. For example, they find it funny to gaslight me, or maybe they don't even realize they do it - I say things like "I heard that the dining hall is getting a dessert section" and P will say "no they aren't, you're wrong" and then a week later when the dessert section gets installed, I'll say "ah so they were getting one! I knew it" and they'll say "you literally never said that, I did." They also (physically) shove me around, pour salt in my food while I'm in the restroom, make fun of me for not doing my own laundry (I'm physically disabled, literally can't), say I'm taking "dumb classes" compared to their STEM major, etc. Ive talked to them about their behavior before, but they just said "I was never making fun of you".

The thing is, I hate rooming with P. They're fun to hang out with, and they're funny, but when I hang out with them for too long their jokes just turn into picking on me and I just plain don't find it funny. They're not a bad roommate; they respect my space, don't mess with my stuff (usually), but I just don't feel comfortable living with them.

I tried to "get out" last semester, but the only way I'd be able to move out is if I activated my disability accomodations and asked for a medical single, which would take months to process. It's January now, so if I start the process now, it could be ready by next semester. However, P doesn't want me to leave and is super clingy, texting me when I leave to visit home that they miss me. With their previous experience with a bad roommate, I'm not inclined to give them back up to the roommate lottery again, and they're one of the only friends I have at uni, but at the same time, I don't see how we can work this out because I've already talked to them about it and set boundaries and been ignored.

TL;DR My roommate is a good roommate but bad friend, and I want to move out but I'm worried that they'll get stuck with a bad roommate in my stead. WIBTA for leaving or should I stay and deal with it?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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historia-vitae-magistras · 5 days

Note

A lightee ask than usual but do you have any food or eating habit thoughts?

Ooohooohh, I did a whole ass seminar on the history of food. Failed it because I almost bled to death but I got to keep all the material! I've got.... a lot of thoughts and feelings about food culture. Too goddamn many, tbh. This got really long so I'll have to do a part two for other characters if wanted but lol enjoy.

Alfred:

—Actually pretty gourmet little shit when he's got time and effort. He's made food Maria loves so often she has to give up on pretending she didn't enjoy it because fucking hell, he makes good chilaquiles after they've been drinking and fucking. There is, however, a non-zero chance he hasn't eaten a vegetable since the Nixon administration.

—With that combustion engine metabolism, he's also perpetually hungry, so he eats whatever is around him. His guts do not like this, especially when it's a lot of dairy.

—He has that kind of lactose intolerance that's tied to his health and stress, so if he's been particularly freaked out lately, he'll remind the world of his nuclear arsenal when he's got to use the toilet after that triple cheeseburger with a side of deep-fried cheese curds.

—He's a stress eater too. He eats every negative emotion he's ever had especially when he's trying not to binge drink or do drugs.

—He’s exceptionally food-motivated. They didn’t call one of his first major historical eras ‘the starving time’ without reason. He has preferences, but food is also food, and he’ll genuinely enjoy it in most forms as long as it's not rotten or otherwise godawful. Cowboy coffee and beans for ten days straight, and he will genuinely be the only man on that cow trail not sick of it by the end.

—This also goes into why he’s so generous with food. He’s big on homemade food. He’ll make a whole big ass batch of like some sort of mac and cheese, and all the neighbours will get a big ol’ bowl of it with an ‘oh just return the Tupperware whenever,’ and it will genuinely be one of the best things they’ve ever eaten in their lives. Europeans recoil in horror, but our portion sizes are almost never single servings. It’s a generosity and hospitality practice except drinks. He really will down like a 2 liter of Slurpee in a single sitting.

—He doesn’t mind eating alone. Actually prefers it sometimes. He loves eating in his car. American frontier culture, especially mountain men, had an often hyper-individualized, almost mythic culture of spending long periods alone in the woods and not being very sociable; thus a lot of situations where single servings were a thing, eating alone in quiet without something to do can be a real goddamn luxury.

—He’s a really big protein guy with his metabolism. Sometimes exists on protein shakes but is more often a beef or barbeque or ham or alligator jerky. And a somewhat chunky Alfred is a healthy Alfred. A perfectly cut no flab Alfred is an Alfred who might be severely dehydrated and on several kinds of uppers.

—He has better tastes than Arthur who didn't really realize food was supposed to taste good until like ten years ago but his combinations can be equally wild and unappetizing as they are batshit tasty.

—He loves spicy food. He's got so many opinions about hot sauces.

—He’s always hungry. If he isn’t hungry or turns down food, its genuinely a bad sign. If he turns down anything or just is just picking at it his food alarm bells should be sounding. He’s either about to declare war or puke all over the table or keel over dead. Peckish or food coma is his default state. Like if he was a smaller guy someone would say he’s got a binge disorder but he’s tall and beefy so he’s pretty okay.

—Incredibly adventurous eater too. People will assume since there’s that old school culture of Anglo-American who eats the same 7 meals every week and might keel over dead if the meatloaf is slightly different he’ll be a bit hard to please but then he’s absolutely charmed by everything from Korean kimchi to Lithuanian Lašiniai.

—He loves anyone who feeds him, just got to be a bit careful because he’s got surprisingly delicate stomach for the world superpower.

—That American obsession with authencity means he’s surprisingly good at remembering people’s food culture or eating norms. He figured out chopsticks in ten seconds and quickly picked up the cues and manners of eating in any given culture. Still struggles with modulating his voice and personality, so he can often come across as rude, but he's so excited to do so. It's almost frustrating how happy he is to try and adapt to people around him and how happy he can be to fit in.

Matt:

—He's a very good cook when he's putting in effort for other people, but he's not really like Alfred, who he'll make a whole ass meal for one just to relax on a Sunday.

—He does tend to eat more vegetables than Alfred, but only because his northern vitamin deficiency has him binging them when he can afford them or they're available during the summer.

—He can be weirdly picky on his own, but no one ever really needs to ask about his favourite food or how he likes anything because he always just goes with the flow around other people. “Just get me whatever you’re getting.” comes out of his mouth often.

—There's a lot of sour cream/crema and yoghurt/coconut milk involved when he eats Mexican or Indian food for as much as he loves it.

—Katya was singlehandedly responsible for his ability to maintain a normal weight during the 20th century by adding rye bread and perogies/vyrenki to his diet. He craves mushroom-umami flavours when he misses her, which is most of the time.

—When he’s normal and eating the Anglo-North American diet, but he isn’t always eating it, he gets some strong sugar cravings, especially when he’s west of Manitoba. He’s as fond of birch syrup as a flavour as he is maple; there’s just less production. But the kind of deprivation he got and his own tendencies to not eat sometimes cause white sugar to just straight-up burns.

—There's very much something of François to Matt's dietary habits, but less in his personal tastes and more in that he might be more sensitive to flavours. He has that kind of discerning and slightly oversensitive palate, but he’s a shitty perpetually broke frontier settler colony. He knows better/feels too guilty/is too embarrassed of himself to really indulge it.

—He kept too much of his peasant communalism in his eating habits. Where Anglo-American communities did have a lot of cooperation, communal eating was a special occasion. The norm was based on the individual household. In contrast, French Canadian habitants still technically lived on medieval land plots and owed labour to a lord while also having a culture of seasonal male work, so Matt grew up used to communal ovens and eating most of his meals around others. Later, in Arthur’s jurisdiction, it was usually the same. He got a plate of whatever he was given, and it wasn’t something he had ever had to initiate himself.

—Partially, he's sometimes exceptionally bad at eating when he has to choose to do it himself. Especially since the Americanization of the food culture took hold in the '80s and '90s. Whereas Alfred is food motivated from going without when he was little, Matt learned how to block out physical sensation until he collapsed because it was rare that someone, including himself, cared about what kind of state he was in. He just doesn’t eat at all when he’s stressed or anxious. And now it's his sole responsibility to do so as there aren’t the same community structures. He has a lot of Alfred’s abundance now, all the brunch and BBQ places anyone could ask for, but it hasn’t meshed with his eating habits. His people gave up so much of their communal eating in exchange for various choices and then wondered why they were so lonely. So he’ll just microwave a potato or a packet of Kraft dinner a day for a week straight and wonder why he feels dead because, technically, he did eat something. It’s seriously a miracle he got as tall as he did.

—Feed him nothing but hardtack for three years, and he won't complain until he's dropped dead of scurvy. If Arthur puts some sort of godforsaken mixture of plum sauce or gin-infused spag bol in front of him, he’ll compliment it before he disassociates to get at least some of it down.

#the ask box || probis pateo #hws canada #hws america #meatsack mechanics || the sociology and biology of nations #matthew || my country is winter #alfred || o beautiful for spacious skies

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dotster001 · 2 years

Note

Are you ok with writing alcohol related stuff? I think it would be funny to have a drunk headmaster complain to reader about all the work and mischievous students while reader tries to calm him down and just get him to drink water because fae apparently do not have a superior tolerance. OR on the opposite: reader gets drunk and Crowley has to deal with us now maybe we get him flustered too >:)

(hey nonnie I finally finished it. I seriously debated waiting until my birthday so I could be like, "the US government says I can drink now!" But luckily for both of us, I got hit with the inspiration bug. I hope it's everything you dreamed edit; I just realized I combined your two ideas into one...oops I went flustered crowman route)

Drugged Up Reader Addition from 300 Followers event

A/N: It's in my pinned post, and I've mentioned this in a couple posts, but if this is the first of my stuff you've read, I view NRC as an actual college, so reader here is 18+. If it makes you more comfy, imagine it as grad school age.

CW: excessive drinking, black out from drinking

Fae were known to hold their liquor extraordinarily well. A bottle? Three? Bah! That didn't matter at all to the fae! Besides, he deserved to treat himself after putting up with shenanigans all day.

Four bottles……

Yeah, so Crowley was on his sixth bottle of a 300 year old wine of excellent vintage, when fate decided it was time for you to come to his office. Naturally, as the cool, collected, fabulous headmage he was, all he had to do was play it cool, and you'd never know.

"Greetings Prefect! What can I do ya for?" Yep. You'd never know.

Had he been more sober, he would have noticed that you were soaking wet and covered in dust and plaster bits. But since he didn't notice, he was able to not notice this fact, as you sat across from him with a frustrated huff.

"The shower in Ramshackle exploded," you scowled. "Any chance, in all your generosity, that there is some budget for a new one?"

"But of course!" He stood up, gesturing wildly. You couldn't hide your shock, which made him laugh, as he leaned over his desk to squish your face between his palms.

"My dearest, squishiest, prefect. Whatever you want, I shall give you!"

Suddenly, you gasped. "Are you drunk?"

He let go of your face and scoffed, illustrating the six empty bottles on his desk.

"Nonsense, my dear, the fae don't get drunk. As you can see, I have only consumed ten bottles…"

"There's only six here, though," you interrupted, becoming nervous for his health.

"Ah! You're right! I still have four more bottles to consume! You must join me Y/N!"

"I don't think I should…."

He kept over his desk with surprising dexterity, and gently slotted himself in your lap, nuzzling his cheek against yours like a cat.

"C'mon Y/N, I'd hate to drink alone. I'd be sooooo lonely without you…like before…" his eyes were suddenly elsewhere, and he froze in your lap.

Then he started tearing up, crying into your collar.

"Please don't leave me, Y/N!" He sobbed.

You began running your hands through his hair worriedly, trying to calm him down.

"Do you mean, like right this moment, or in general?" You asked, mildly amused with yourself.

"Yes," he whimpered. You had no idea how the giant crow man was able to make himself look so small in your lap, but it was making your heart melt.

"Okay, I won't leave then," you said, hoping that it would calm him a little.

He looked up at you, suddenly no longer crying, eyes full of total adoration.

"I love you Y/N. It's time you know that," he breathed, moving closer to your lips.

Then he blacked out.

….

Crowley opened his eyes, and immediately shut them again with a groan. The lights in his room were too bright, and his head hurt, and….wait. He didn't remember going to his room last night.

"Ah, sleeping beauty has finally awoken," that was your voice, but what were you doing in his room?

He opened his eyes, and slowly sat up. You were sitting in a chair next to his bed, holding a book and, great sevens, wearing his clothes.

"Why are you here?" He asked cautiously.

"You blacked out on me, and I had to drag you to your room. You're surprisingly heavy, you know. Are you hiding muscles under all those layers?"

He scoffed, ready to tell you about how someone of his station had to stay in good shape, until he fully processed what you had said.

"How generous of you to bring me to my room," he croaked. "But why," he swallowed thickly, "why are you wearing a set of my clothes?" Not that he'd complain. They looked good on you.

You raised a single eyebrow. "My shower exploded, remember? My clothes were all wet and dirty, and I didn't want to ruin your furniture, so I kind of just grabbed something from your closet." Your grin turned downright evil. "Wait, do you not remember anything from last night?"

You giggled. He loved that giggle, but right now he was filled with pure terror.

"I have an excellent memory, prefect," he scowled, trying to play it off. But it was clearly too late. You knew.

You stood up, and approached him. You squished his cheeks with your palms.

"So you remember this then?"

He loved your smile, but right now he wanted to wipe it off your face. You'd left him in his clothes, thank goodness, so you couldn't see his reddening cheeks under his mask. He'd never been more grateful for anything.

"Of course I remember," he said, composure disappearing fast.

"Then you remember this?" You crawled into his lap, and buried you face in his collar. He stiffened, afraid if he breathed you would disappear.

"Ye…yes."

"Okay," you grinned wickedly, "so you'll remember this then." You leaned into his ear and whispered, "I love you, Y/N."

He was going to have what humans called a heart attack. Had he really said that last night? He'd kept it buried for so long….

"If you remember that, you'll definitely remember this," you leaned in as though to kiss him, but pulled away and left his lap at the last second. He involuntarily let out a whine, making you giggle.

"And that's when you passed out."

He was on his feet in seconds pulling you tightly to him, directing your chin so you face him.

"Kiss me," he whispered breathlessly.

"That's not what happened," now that he was fighting back, you were starting to look flustered. Good. You deserved it.

"I'll give you whatever you want if you kiss me," he said, confidence steadily growing now that the ball was back in his court.

"Whatever I want? Hmmm…" you said thoughtfully, then leaned in to kiss him. He nibbled along your bottom lip, causing you to gasp, and allowing him to deepen the kiss. After several breathless moments, you pulled away from him entirely.

"Whatever I want," you muttered to yourself, and made to leave the room. As you pulled open the door, you called over your shoulder, "Fix my damned shower."

...

Tag list: @stygianoir

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #dire crowley x reader #dire crowley #twst crowley x reader #twst crowley

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strxwberrychocolate · 11 months

Text

˗ˏˋ bittersweet ࿐ྂ Fujio and the girl who’s been in love with him since middle school

notes: based off the boy I've loved since 6th grade who I know will never like me back and resembles fujio's personality a little too much. It's going to be 8 years as of 2023 October and I'm still not over him but it's okay, I'm alright with pining. the oc is literally just a self-insert so it's a mirror of myself and this is written in first-pov. long story short, this is my life story put into a short fic

warnings: canon-typical violence, recreational drug use, underage drinking, alcohol abuse, smoking, mentions of abusive relationships, implied physical abuse, mentioned eating issues, weight-related talk, shotgun kisses, blood, mentions of periods, references to depression, victim blaming, unhealthy coping mechanisms, mild gore, this is basically a trauma dump in the form of a fic so plz be aware, not edited

pairing: fujio x oc (one-sided), sachio x oc (one-sided)

word count: 6309

❝how did love become love?❞

—

I don’t really remember life before Fujio Hanaoka. But then again, who genuinely remembers life before middle school? I met Fujio in middle school, 6th grade to be exact. Fujio came to my middle school around a month after it started because he was visiting his grandfather in the countryside and his mother decided to prolong their stay. One thing I noticed was that Fujio was popular. Very very popular among all the kids in class. It was then I realized that I was the outsider in this classroom. Everyone had gone to the same elementary school in this classroom and they all already knew each other. But I didn’t feel like an outsider for too long because the teacher had Fujio sit next to me since it was the only empty seat left. I had always been a pretty shy kid so making conversation was always hard but it seems that Fujio knew that so he talked to me first. We talked about the elementary schools we went to, the area we lived in, what we wanted to be when we grew up, and the annoying people in the class. Fujio talked and talked and talked to me and all I did was listen.

It wasn’t long till I fell in love.

Fujio knew everything about me. He’d been there at almost every major stage of my life.

Fujio was the one that taught me how to ride a bike, he was the one that listened when I felt insecure about the way I looked, he listened to me talk about my dreams and aspirations, we celebrated when I got her first period with cake(It was more like comforting but it was still a core memory). We’ve been with each other for really most of the important parts of our lives. But I wasn’t his best friend nor was I the one he loved. He loved me but not in the way I wanted him to.

Middle school ends quicker than I wanted and high school starts. We don’t go to the same high schools but at least it’s in the same area. Fujio goes to Oya High and I go to Meiwa Girls School. It’s like a 5-minute distance from each other. Fujio stays at Oya High for a week until he has to go to the countryside to help his mom take care of his grandfather. I was absolutely devastated but there isn’t anything I could do. I became friends with Tsukasa Takajo during Fujio’s year-long absence. It seemed the blonde boy misses Fujio too. Things happen in SWORD but that isn’t too important. Nothing was really important to me while Fujio was gone. It sounds stupid I know but I was a bit of a hopeless romantic. It was horrible, I know. I waited and waited and waited.

Things happen during Fujio’s absence other than that whole shit show that is SWORD’s politics. I meet a guy. He’s sweet. He goes to Shutoku Boys High School. We got together too fast. I used to say it was love at first sight. I think I was wrong. No, I definitely was wrong. I don’t really remember how we met— they say the brain blocks out things that were traumatic and too much for it to handle. Was that how it was for me? Things were sweet at first, we’d text and call each other all the time. He was sweet. I think I loved him at one point, at some point. But none of that matters. None of it matters after everything he’d done. We’d talk to each other all the time, eventually, my sleep was gone trying to comfort him about the breakup he had 3 years ago, going out with my friends after school stopped and so did so many other things. I used to really like swimming, I don’t remember the last time I went. I guess I lost all the motivation to do anything.

I thought it was fine. I thought this was love. I was wrong.

It was a conversation with Tsukasa I had during my 6th month with him that made me realize what was wrong. “Sweetie, you do know you’re getting abused right?” Tsukasa said with his signature blank face, using the pet name akin to an insult

I laughed awkwardly because I in fact did not know that. It took all night for me to convince Tsukasa not to go beat the shit out of my boyfriend. I think if Tsukasa hadn’t been all burnt out since Fujio’s departure he definitely would have gone to Shutoku and beat the shit out of the guy.

Breaking up with him had been the hardest part. It took 4 months, and 4 tries. Todoroki had been helpful in that. The last try was where Todoroki came in. I won’t go into detail but jealousy and me having to stand my ground was involved. The breakup wasn’t pretty but I was free. Surprisingly I didn’t cry. The breakup happened at 6 am, the morning before a major math test. I’m pretty sure I failed but it was okay, I was free and it was all that mattered. I went to Oya High that day and skipped the rest of my afternoon classes, I wanted to tell Tsukasa and Todoroki about it in person. Turns out, everyone knew about my little problem. Maybe it was because of my very obvious physically deteriorating health and the depression I think I had that made me lose so much motivation that my curly hair was now straight and frizzy. It was nice to have all the support.

Mostly everyone was supportive and I think I may have talked about it too much, my past relationship I mean. But I just wanted the validation that I wasn’t wrong, that I wasn’t going crazy and all the things he did to me were in fact wrong and disgusting. But some people said it was my fault. Some said I should have left earlier. It made me feel worse. Tsukasa says they’ll never know what I went through unless they’ve experienced the same thing. No one will know about the nights I stayed up crying, not eating and— ah~ I’m rambling again.

This guy had been a huge factor as to why I changed so much. When I was young, I had issues with eating, I didn’t eat that much and it bothered my mom. But when I did eat she’d encourage me to keep eating so I didn’t fucking die of starvation or something. My ex had been the first to ever tell me to stop eating. I guess it messed me up a lot. Even after I broke up with him, getting back into my usual more healthy habits was hard. Really hard.

My confidence had already been non-existent before but after the breakup, fucking hell I felt terrible.

It was 3rd year and my grades were horrible, my skin, my teeth, my hair. I just really wasn’t having a good time. I used to drink before. For fun. Now it was just to forget. I wasn’t sad about the breakup itself, I wanted to forget about all that he’d done to me, everything I went through. I was angry. It made me angry that I went through that. How could I let myself go through it? Why didn’t I leave? I think all the anger I was feeling just drowned out all of my sadness.

I let go of the chance of ever falling in love again. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel that way, this way ever again.

But I guess one part of me knew that if Fujio ever came back and asked for my heart, I’d tear through my skin and muscles and pry open my ribs to give it to him.

—

❝I’m hiding in the rain, always smiling❞

—

It was like the universe finally had pity on me and one day finally, Fujio comes back. I see him outside the gates of Meiwa. Girls are staring at him of course, watching from afar, giggling. I don’t blame them. Fujio was handsome. He had a nice smile and nice features. He was really really good-looking, even more than the last time I saw him. “Fujio” I said walking over, a huge smile on my face

Fujio smiles right back at me. “Hey, long time no see! Miss me?”

“Definitely didn’t” That was a lie, I did, I missed him a lot

We stayed out that night, catching up. I patched up Fujio’s knuckles as I usually did and now we were sitting at an empty park just on the border between Oya and Sannoh. We were sitting on the swings, Fujio right next to me. The sun is setting, lighting up our surroundings in a warm orange and pink. Fujio looks pretty. His tanned skin it lit up in gold. He looks gold. For all I know, Fuijo was spun from pure gold thread. “Tsukasa told me about it… You and that guy” He says

I already knew Tsukasa was going to tell him. I was always a bit scared of that, telling Fujio. Would he be one of the people that supported me and comforted me or would he be one of the people that blamed me for what happened? “Yeah…” I say hesitantly “It was… a lot”

I close my eyes silently waiting for some kind of belittlement or blame but instead, I feel someone stand in front of me. “Hey” Fujio says

I open my eyes. He’s standing in front of me looking down at me while I stay sitting on the swing. “You haven’t been taking care of yourself have you?” Fujio asks, hand coming up to take a strand of my hair between my

I flinch. That was a huge mistake. Anger flashes through Fujio’s eyes as does pity. I feel terrible. Fujio looks like he wants to ask me something but he doesn’t. What he does instead is crouch down in front of me. “Hey” He says, his voice is a little quieter now

I’ve never heard his voice sound like that. It’s new and for some weird reason, I feel guilty. Fujio is looking up at me from where he’s crouched down. The swings are pretty low to the ground so he isn’t tilted his head too far back and I’m not tilting my head too far down either. “You didn’t deserve that” Fujio says

He takes my hand. I know this was supposed to be something heartwarming but my heart was just beating so fast and I started imagining us getting married and having kids and having grandkids and— yeah I got carried away. “And I mean it” Fujio continues “I know whatever I say isn’t going to make it better or change anything that happened but you didn’t deserve that no matter what other people have been telling you”

Figures. Fujio knew what people were saying. He always did. “What if they’re right?” I ask

There always has been this voice in my head telling me that what happened was my fault, that I deserved it. I know I didn’t but, your mind tends to be your own enemy. Fujio scoffs. “Be fucking for real! You…” He tugs a little at my hand and takes the other one as well “...You are the nicest person in this shit hole that I know. You’re so nice to everyone, you may not be the smartest and you are a little stupid and slow but… You’re so sweet. Don’t fucking let anyone tell you it was your fault because no one except you knows what happened. Never, never in your life will you ever deserve to be treated like that.”

Not only did it make my heart feel like it was doing an Olympic-level gymnastics routine in my chest but, I think I finally got the validation I needed after everything that happened. Fujio did just call me stupid in the middle of it but that didn’t matter. Not now. “I’m so so proud of you for getting out of that relationship” Fujio’s thumbs rub along my knuckles, I think he felt me shaking “It doesn’t matter how long it took you, it matters that you did it. You’re okay or… You’re going to be okay. I promise I’ll help you and I’ll make sure that fucking piece of shit will never hurt you again”

Finally, finally I was comforted the way I wanted. I finally got to hear everything I wanted someone to tell me in the first place. Being told you weren’t too broken and you could still be healed felt good.

Hearing it from Fujio was really just a plus point.

—

❝Eyes meeting but hearts apart, it’s so sweet yet so bitter❞

—

Fujio was… Friendly. He was charismatic and very handsome so of course he’s had a bunch of girlfriends and talking stages and friends with benefits. A lot of girls liked him as well, many asking me to set them up with him. I guess in the end I’ll always be that one rare girl best friend that actually isn’t something to worry about. I’m not too sure how to feel about it. Sometimes it feels like Fujio has kissed everyone but me. Am I jealous? Of course, I am. Even now as he shows me a picture of the new girl he’s dating. “She’s pretty” I gush and nudge him, because if I don’t nudge him I might just kiss him

I think I’m a pretty good actor. I’m good at pretending that my heart isn’t tearing itself to shreds every time he talks about another girl. I should definitely win an Oscar award for these performances. I’ve never tried to make Fujio like me. Because I know he doesn’t and no matter what I do, it is no use. I’m not his type nor the one he will ever love. Love can happen eventually, I know that but Fujio will never love me, I’ve already come to terms with that. But even if I have, that doesn’t mean I’m over him. “You think so?” Fujio says with a grin looking right at me

I nod. It’s really all I can do.

One thing Fujio likes doing is try to set me up with his friends. Today, it was Sachio. Don’t get me wrong. I like Sachio, but not the same way he likes me.

Sometimes I think my unrequited feelings for Fujio is just karma for all of Fujio’s friends I have rejected.

Fujio tells me Sachio really likes me. I think at one point I did like Sachio. He’s sweet. Really nice and respectful and would definitely be a better boyfriend than Fujio ever would be. But maybe it’s just me holding on so tightly to my first love, only ever having my eyes on Fujio that I’m not ever able to look at anyone else. I want to. I really do. But at the end of the day I always come back to him. I don’t expect for Fujio to return my feelings I just… I don’t know.

Maybe one day I’ll get over Fujio, move on. But I don’t think so it’ll happen soon.

I hope it does. Soon I mean.

Because my hands are starting to burn from the rope called first love I’ve been holding on so tight to.

—

❝Ruinous imagination consumes me, makes me dream sweeter dreams❞

—

“You really wanna meet Sachio?” Fujio asks me

“I’ve already met him Fujio” I tell him

Sachio was nice. I wasn’t over Fujio but I could stay stuck up on him either. It wasn’t healthy and I knew it. I should get over it, I should try. Not only to get over Fujio but also what my asshole ex did to me. Fujio aside, I was tired of feeling so angry all the time. I didn’t tell anyone that I felt angry rather than sad. What if I tell them and everyone that was supportive of me starts calling me crazy too, or stop supporting me through it? I think my emotions were always something I kept to myself. I didn’t want to tell anyone about it. It didn’t matter to me who stopped supporting me just not Fujio, never Fujio. I might actually go crazy if he does. Honestly speaking, I think I already am crazy. I won’t be surprised if I go for some psychiatric test and the results come out with a diagnosis telling me I’m crazy. After everything that’s happened paired with my weird dependency on Fujio, I think I am crazy. “Yeah but, no you know he likes you” Fujio says “Are you gonna give him a chance”

We’re inside a convenience store. Fujio wanted to get something to drink. He’s standing in front of the fridge trying to figure out what he wants while I’m standing in front of one of the glass doors of the fridge staring at my favourite drink. I want it. But I don’t really have the energy to bring my arm up and open the glass door. It’s weird. I don’t have the motivation to even do the things I like. I want to stop feeling like this. I thought being here with Fujio would distract me from the feeling but I guess not. I thought my heart was only filled with Fujio but that void after my breakup is getting bigger and it hurts. “Maybe…” I say, staring at my blurry reflection in the glass

I look tired. I’ve always had eyebags due to having low iron and a shitty sleep schedule but now they were darker. My skin thankfully looks the same and isn’t dull. I think I should thank myself for being so strict about my skincare routine and eating habits. But the glow in my skin doesn’t matter when the look in my eyes just shows how fucking exhausted I am. It’s not really my eyes that I’m worried about. It’s my hair. I’ve always loved my hair. Everyone has. It was curly and long and Fujio really liked it. It wasn’t curly-curly with ringlets but more wavy-curly. Now it was kinda straight and a little frizzy at the ends. Oh. It feels like I was seeing my own reflection after years. I look like this? This is what Sachio likes? I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ugly in my life. To make things even worse, there’s an annoying pain in lower belly. I’m on my fucking period. “...Hello?” Fujio nudges me

I look at him then look away. I can feel Fujio looking at me. I want him to stop. I feel gross. Fujio opens the door and I watch him take the drink I was staring at. “You were just staring at it” Fujio says

Before I could tell him I don’t want it, Fujio’s already heading for the counter and he pays. Oh. I think I’m going crazy. “Come on” Fujio calls

I follow his words and go outside. Fujio’s already sitting outside the convenience store on the curb. I sit down next to him. “You didn’t have to get that for me” I say

Fujio shakes his head. “You were just staring at it… So I got it for you” He says and opens up the drink before handing it to me

I take it. “Why were you staring at it?” He asks

I know I shouldn’t be admitting it out loud, but I tell him anyways. “I don’t know… I wanted to get it but like… I don’t know. It felt like too much work”

Had I been making any other expression, Fujio would have laughed at me and called me lazy. But no. Instead he gives me a sad look. “You’re fucking depressed” he says

Wow. I definitely wasn’t expecting that. “H-huh?”

“Don’t h-huh me!” He says, mimicking my words

Fujio grabs the drink he just gave me and aggressively puts the cap back on. “You need help” He grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me “Why didn’t you tell me before”

I feel weirdly ashamed right now. Tears well up in my eyes. “I told you that I’m here for you. If you’re feeling like fucking shit then you should tell me” Fujio says

He takes his hands off my shoulders and now he’s holding my face. Something wet touches my cheek and Fujio’s eyes soften. Oh. I’m crying. This was more embarrassing than it needed to be. “You don’t need to pretend to be happy or a certain way around me. I’ve already seen you being weird and fucking embarrassing! So please” Fujio says, his thumbs wiping away the tears running down my cheeks “Please just tell me what you feel. Tell me when you don’t feel okay, tell me when you’re sad, tell me if someone is hurting you, tell me if you’re scared. Just tell me”

I’m shaking. Fujio just keeps telling me everything is okay, that he’ll make everything okay. It’s unrealistic for him to say so, even I know that but any kind of comfort, even the unrealistic kind sounds nice when you’re hurting. “I promise… I promise, everything will be okay” He tells me and presses his forehead against mine

I guess there was a reason I was never able to fall out of love with Fujio. When he does things like this, how could I ever get over him?

—

❝I close my eyes but thoughts of you bring turmoil to my nights❞

—

“Has anyone ever told you how obvious you are?” Tsukasa says to me

I stare at him in confusion. We were on the top of the temple. Yes, the temple whose stairs Fujio falls down on a daily basis. We were meeting his new girlfriend. This sounds horrible but I’ve already forgotten her name. “Huh? Obvious about what?” I ask

Tsukasa nudges me. “You like him”

My hands tremble. I didn’t expect him to say that. “What? No” I deny it immediately

The blonde boy next to me on the bench only laughs. “You think I’m an idiot? You’re really really obvious. You like him, everyone knows”

Um. What? Tsukasa sees my reaction and sighs. I’m not sure what face I’m making but I think it might be the same one where Tsukasa told me I was getting abused. Fun right? “No one has told Fujio about it but he does know”

This just keeps getting even worse. “What?”

I want Tsukasa to stop talking. I don’t want to hear anymore but I have to. “Fujio knows you like him. He’s known all along. But Fujio also knows you’ll never confess to him because you know he doesn’t like you back. That’s why he keeps you here with him unlike the other girls who have confessed and then got rejected” Tsukasa explains

I’m not to sure how to feel about this. I look over toward Fujio. He’s with his girlfriend further away. It looks like she’s arguing with him but he’s only smiling. I watch him reach over and he grabs her waist. Instantly she stops and her cheeks flush red. Or I think they do. I can’t really see far away and I don’t want to wear my glasses. You know anxiety and stuff. Seeing the world clear just doesn’t help and I think the 480-720-pixel resolution that is my eyesight really helps with calming my nerves. But right now it feels like I can see everything clearly. Fujio’s lovestruck look, his girlfriend’s shy smile. I can see it all. I wish I couldn’t. “He… Knows?”

“I won’t tell him that I told you. But yeah he does know. That’s why he’s always been trying to set you up with someone else because Fujio thinks you don’t deserve him”

I frown and look away from the two lovebirds. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Tsukasa scoffs. “Oh please, we all know how much of a shitty boyfriend Fujio would be. I’m his best friend, I know. Fujio is to friendly and you’re still healing…” Tsukasa tells me “But okay, let’s say all that with that motherfucker from Shutoku didn’t happen. Being with him would make you so fucking insecure. He’s talking to new girls every day. He’s so fucking affectionate with everyone, you’d be wondering if he was cheating every other day”

Tsukasa was right. I knew he was. I thought about this before. Fujio wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. If there was ever a day that he maybe did like me back, it would be painful being with him. But still, I was still so fucking in love with him. I hated myself for it. “I know” I mutter quietly “I just can’t get over him”

Tsukasa next to me sighs and he rests a hand on my shoulder, lightly squeezing. “Try talking to Sachio more. I know him, we all do. Sachio’s nice. I’m telling you to use Sachio to get over that idiot over there but… Maybe you should try looking for other guys. You’re not gonna get over Fujio without actually looking” He tells me

He was right. Ugh fuck. Maybe I should talk to Sachio.

Why not?

—

❝Don’t wanna let go so I let go❞

—

Today was one of the rare days I was wearing my glasses. Fujio insisted on some bonding time with resulted in Sachio Ueda, Yuken Odajima, Tsukasa and Fujio’s girlfriend and me going to the movies. Now Fujio and I were waiting outside the bathrooms on the bench, waiting for all of them. I had sat next to Sachio during the movie, sharing popcorn with him. Fujio told he didn’t tell Sachio that I know he likes me. I guess now that I do know, things are pretty clear. I don’t know why I haven’t noticed it before. Maybe it was because I was too focused on Fujio. “Why does he like me?” I ask Fujio “I’m not pretty or like… Smart. There isn’t really any redeeming quality about me”

Fujio is fiddling with the movie tickets, his and his girlfriend’s. He looks at me, giving me a weird look. “You don’t think you’re pretty?”

I push my glasses up my nose and shake my head. “No. I’m not. I mean come on Fujio, look at me” I tell him

I guess I’ve always been pretty insecure about myself growing up. Especially when middle school started. My parents and relatives have always told me I’m pretty, backstabbing cousins and aunts say things to me out of apparent jealously. I pretended to think I was pretty when I was at home. I don’t think I’d ever be able to tell my mother how I actually felt about myself when she was always so proud of the way I looked, that I was so pretty. I think it would break her if I told her I hated myself— that I hated my face, my body, my own skin. I could never tell her. It was with my friends I could really spill out all my feelings. “Yeah I am” Fujio says “You’re not ugly”

I roll my eyes. “Uh-huh”

Fujio nudges me in the ribs. “I mean it. You’re definitely not ugly”

He leans over and brings his hand up. He’s so so close to me right now, I can feel his breath, see every pore and blemish on his skin— he’s still so beautiful. Fujio pulls my glasses off my face. I have told him many times not to do that. Taking my glasses off for me always felt so unnecessarily sexual. I didn’t tell Fujio it was like that though so he still continued doing it whenever I wore them anyways. “You’re very pretty, that’s one of the reasons Sachio likes you. But Sachio aside, you’re not at all ugly. You’re pretty” Fujio tells me and his other hand brushes a piece of my hair behind my ear “I’d never be friends with an ugly person”

My cheeks are no doubt red. But I play it off by punching his arm. “Fuck off” I mutter “Let me wallow in my misery in peace”

Fujio laughs softly. I want to kiss him so bad. “You are stupid though” he says

I hit him again and suppress the urge to kiss him. Fujio isn’t mine so I can’t kiss him.

—

❝will our eyes ever meet each others again?❞

—

I often wonder what kind of a person I would have been if I never met Fujio, if I hadn’t fallen in love with him. It sounds like a nightmare. I can’t imagine my life without Fujio. Maybe I’m just that much in love with him. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t. Sometimes I wish I was in love with Sachio instead. But now, sometimes has turned into an almost every day wishing as I watch Fujio and his girlfriend play around in the park while I sit alone on the bench. It’s 12:30 am. I should be going home. I’m not even allowed to be staying out this late. But I haven’t gotten any calls from my mom, maybe she’s already asleep. I say and lean back into the bench. There is something painful watching the person you love fall in love and be in love with someone else. Even more painful watching them receive it back. “Hey” Sachio sits down next to me

I look at him and smile. After the movies Yuken insisted on going to get some stuff because he hadn’t smoked in so long. Stuff meaning weed and next to me Sachio is smoking some as well, the spliff between his fingers as he leans back against the bench next to me. Yuken and Tsukasa are off to the side talking quietly amongst themselves while smoking and Fujio’s still with his girlfriend, pushing her on the swings. “You feeling okay?” Sachio asks me, taking a drag before slowly exhaling “I heard about what happened with the guy”

Sachio has always been the kind of guy everyone went to when they had some kind of problem. He was nice and gave really good advice. “Yeah… I mean… It’s taking a lot longer than I expected for things to get better” I say quietly

I started taking a lot of painkillers after my breakup, not just alcohol. Thankfully Fujio seemed to catch on and stopped before things could get serious but I still feel like absolute shit during random times of the day. “Well you can’t expect to get better overnight. Your relationship was 9 months… That’s a long time. So you can take your time getting better too” Sachio says

I turn my attention to his lips, watching them wrap around the spliff and slowly exhale. Sachio sees and grins. That’s kinda hot. “Wanna try?” He asks

I stare for a moment at the drug wrapped in brown paper. “I don’t know how”

Sachio’s red-rimmed eyes are saying so much but so little at the same time. I don’t know what he’s thinking. But whatever he is thinking is making him hesitant to do whatever he wants to do next. It’s a short moment before he speaks again. “Come closer” he says

I obey without thinking, the sides of our thighs pressing together. Sachio takes my glasses off my face. Haha fuck. He brings the spliff up to his lips and then pauses, still looking a little hesitant. “Inhale okay” he says before taking a drag

Sachio leans over and I don’t move. He takes my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He leans in closer, closer, closer. I can see his pore, the blemish, the moles, I can see all his skin up close. I think he’s going to kiss me but Sachio hasn’t closed his eyes. I realize he hasn’t exhaled yet so I have an idea of what he’s doing. Sachio’s lips press to mine but not to kiss. Well kind of. He exhales smoke into my mouth and I inhale. His lips feel soft. It feels nice. Sachio pulls away not too long after but I can still feel his lips on mine. I exhale, coughing a little bit. My throat burns but it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be. “Didn’t know you knew how to do that” Sachio says with a little laugh

My face is probably red right now. “Uh… I saw Odajima teach a girl how some weeks ago” I mutter

Sachio laughs. “Of course you did” he says

He’s smiling hard. I wonder why he he likes me. I wish he didn’t. Sachio shows me how to properly smoke after that. He doesn’t let me smoke to much though. It’s not too bad but he says he knew I probably didn’t each much so I shouldn’t else I’d feel nauseous. It feels weird being high. I’ve drank but smoking was a new territory for me. I feel a little lazy. But not the bad kind. This doesn’t feel too bad. I have a feeling I’ll get an earful from Fujio later, he’s been giving me looks. Fujio doesn’t smoke, Tsukasa does. Tsukasa gets scolded by Fujio on a daily basis when he comes back smelling like weed. I probably won’t do this again. I look at Sachio who’s already looking at me. Maybe it’s the weed that is making me lose lipped but the next words leave my mouth like vomit. “Why do you like me?” I ask and regret it immediately

Sachio smiles. “Why? Do I need an exact reason?” He asks

Something twists in my chest. It hurts. I don’t want him to like me. Not because I like Fujio, but because I don’t deserve to be liked by someone as nice as him. I’m a horrible person. “You deserve someone better,” I tell him “I’m not fishing for compliments here but I’m not exactly the most extraordinary”

Sachio sighs. The spliff is finished and now all we’re left with is uncomfortable questions. Thank god I’m high or I probably would have ran into the middle of the street and got myself hit by a bus on purpose. “I don’t care if you’re not anything extraordinary” He tells me shaking his head “I like you and you don’t get to decide who I deserve… That’s for me to decide”

I want to cry. I want to so badly feel better again or maybe at least get over Fujio. “But I… I’m not okay. I probably won’t be for a while. And no matter how hard I try I… I don’t want you to wait for me forever Sachio. What if I can’t ever fall in love again?” I tell him, almost whispering at the end

Sachio turns his entire body and is facing me. “I don’t mind waiting” He says with a smile “But me and my feelings aside, you can take as long as you want to feel better. It doesn’t matter who’s waiting for you. Me or Fujio or anyone. You need to feel better for yourself”

I fumble with my hands while staring right into his eyes. Does being high make you emotional? I don’t know. But fuck I felt like crying. “How do I know if I’m better… It feels like I never will”

Sachio is smiling so softly at me. It makes my heart hurt. His hand comes up and he takes a stand of my hair between his fingers. “Your hair. Maybe when your hair is back to how it used to be is when you’ll be better” He tells me

It’s 1 am. I should be at home. But here I am, with Sachio— the boy that loves me the way I wished Fujio loved me. I wish I loved him back. There are so many things I want to ask Sachio right now but I don’t. How do you get over someone who was never yours, to begin with? Who do you blame when you’ve broken your own heart? I don’t say anything but Sachio keeps talking. “I’m not forcing you to love—like me back… Right now I’m just telling you to take your time and maybe love yourself first” He says

Stop loving him goes unsaid but I know he wanted to say it. At that moment in Sachio’s eyes I see something of myself. He looks at me the same way I look at Fujio. It hurts. I wonder if this hurts him as much as it hurts me. But here’s the thing, I could get over Fujio and maybe I could even one day love Sachio back. But I’d never be able to forget the feeling of hurt nor the thought that I may only be loving Sachio back because I don’t want him to feel the same way I feel right now. I look toward Fujio who’s wrapping his girlfriend up in his arms and kissing her forehead. It feels like pieces of glass are tearing into my heart.

Had someone told me being in with would be so painful I would have never fallen for Fujio in the first place. I look at Sachio and feel almost a little better.

Does he wish I get over Fujio?

Does he pray at night for me to love him back?

I’m not sure I want to know. Maybe my problem is that I love Fujio way more than I love myself. Maybe the day I start loving myself again will be the day I get over Fujio. Sachio’s hand comes up and he brushes a strand of my hair behind my ear.

It’s 1:35 am, I’m supposed to be at home sleeping but instead here I am; high in front of a boy that doesn’t love me back and sitting next to one that does. I feel ungrateful and cruel.

I hope I never break Sachio's heart like I broke my own.

#fujio hanaoka #high&low the worst x #high&low #high & low #high and low #oya high #high&low the worst #unrequited love #Fujio Hanaoka x OC #high&low x reader #fujio hanaoka x reader #high&low the worst cross #sachio ueda #hanaoka fujio #ueda sachio

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angelltheninth · 2 years

Text

Heterochromatic Jealousy

Pairing: Silco x Fem!Reader

Tags: nsfw, smut, jealousy, confessions, office sex, desk sex, fingering, clit sucking, gentle sex, rough sex, praise, oblivious Reader, protective Silco, flustered Silco

Word count: 3k

Ao3

A/N: Thanks so much to @dilfcoworshipper for commissioning this. It was so much fun to work on, I love Silco so much and it was interesting to write him being the flustered one.

Silco, in all the years that you knew him, was not a jealous man, not a man who would let his emotions get the better of him, no, he was always someone who could just glace at someone and tell them and let his eyes do all the talking, no raised voice necessary.

You could feel his eyes on you many times since you started working for him. His look would always be gentle, soft, caring, just like his smile. He always made you feel comfortable, the complete opposite of what you heard from other people. So why was he looking at you so intently now?

It's not that you're doing anything much different than usual. Your job is to talk to the patrons of the Last Drop, to get them drinks, make the atmosphere comfortable.

"So what do you say sweetheart? Are you up for a little party later? Maybe some drinks off work? Me and my friends could treat ya real good." The burly man winked at you, his eyes a little hazy from the drinks and drugs but he seemed to be holding himself better then his buddies.

"Oh well thank you. That's a very kind offer." You smile his way and see him puff out his chest, hear his friends snicker, "But I'm afraid I can't. My shift isn't over for a few more hours and I need to stay and clean up afterwards. But I'm glad you enjoy my company!" The man's smile deflated, his mouth now forming a deep frown.

"We can help. Get you to... finish faster." A lankier man next to him chimed in, his arm slinged over his friends shoulder, his smile slightly crocked, his lazy eyes traveling up and down your body.

You were about to decline for a second time when you saw all the color drain from their faces. You felt a familiar hand on your shoulder. Glancing to your side you saw Silco staring at the group, "She told you no. The lady has business with me after work. Don't ask her again. Am I clear?" All they could do was gulp and nod quickly, turning to their food again and eating as it fast as possible.

The rest of the shift went by pretty quietly. You only got occasional compliments from a few tables but none were as chatty with you after Silco's interruption from earlier.

"Gods today felt longer than usual." You stretch your arms high above your head as you close the door to Silco's office. For some reason he was intent on speaking to you tonight. "Would you mind if I sat down? I feel a little worn out."

Silco was still behind his desk, his eyes lingering on yours, "Of course go ahead. Make yourself comfortable." You give a firm nod and do just that. You've been to his office many times, sometimes while Jinx was here as well, but it never felt so... tense before.

"Did I do something-"

"Why do you entertain them?" Silco leaned back onto his chair, his fingers slowly tapping the wooden table. "They only wish to use you."

Whatever he was talking about seemed to go over your head for the moment, "I'm afraid I'm not following sir."

"Silco. You know you can call me by my name when you're off work." His voice was almost eerily calm, "And I'm referring to the group that was flirting with you today. Not just them either, I've noticed this several times before. I've you're going to flirt at least find people that aren't looking to pump and dump you. You deserve so much better than that."

Your cheeks heat up at the words 'pump and dump'. You may not be the most experienced but you know well enough what that means.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that's what they meant. I just thought... I mean so many of the people that come here are so friendly, I just assumed they were the same." Looking back the look in their eyes was a little off. "I'll be more careful in the future. Thank you for telling me Silco, you're always looking out for others huh?" You smile warmly at him.

To your surprise he turns his face away, his lips pressed into a thin line before he speaks up, "I suppose. It's just that you're... you feel special, I have this need to be around you, to keep you safe, make sure you're alright and happy." He swallows hard before his eyes lock onto yours, "You mean a lot to me."

"Thank you! You mean a lot to me too. I'm really happy to have you in my life. You're one of the best people I've met, despite what others may say about you, I feel like I know this hidden side of you and, yes, it makes me feel happy. And safe." You were expecting Silco to return your smile, instead you got a sour frown.

The man sighed in his chair and stood up. He took careful steps towards you and only stopped when he loomed over you. From this angle you could see why others would be afraid of him, yet he still looked at you with those soft, yet slightly more determined that usual eyes.

"You don't seem to understand what I mean. And I've been hinting at it for a while. Quite frankly I thought I was being fairly obvious, Jinx certainly seemed to think so judging by her... colorful comments. But it seems like I'm going to have to spell it out for you, my dear." Oh, he never used that term before. For some reason it sent happy tingles down your spine. He leaned in closer, his hand gripping the beck of the couch next to your head, "I like you. I..." Up close you could make out the faint blush that dusted his face, "I'd like to date you. Kiss you." His eyes drifted to your lips, then past your neck, down to your breasts and past your stomach, "And more. If you would let me."

Seconds pass by like hours as you register his words. Suddenly all those compliments, those looks, those soft touches, those protective tendencies take on a whole different meaning. Your face turns completely red.

"I... how long have you... I mean... I guess I just never thought that you would actually..." You're feeling tongue tied in front of him for the first time since that day that you walked into his office. You were so nervous around him then. Over time the feeling melted away and was forgotten. And now it's back with a crushing force.

"For a few months. Well a few months since I've acknowledged that my feelings and desired go beyond the physical kind." Silco takes a deep breath and inches closer, his lips slowly closing in on yours, "If you don't want me, just tell me. I'll stop. If you... want to leave because you're feeling embarrassed, you can. But otherwise... I would very much like to have you right now, my dear."

Your body was heating up rapidly from his words and his gaze, you could only imagine what his touch will do to you. Well you don't really have to imagine. Not now, when he is inches away from you. So you close your eyes and lean in, your lips pressing firmly against Silco's own.

Silco's hand reaches up to gently cup your cheek and angle your head better, his tongue silently asking for entrance which you grant, along with a soft sigh.

"Thank you sweetheart. I'm very happy you feel the same." He pulls away, his thumb pressing over your lower lip and tilting your head backwards so his lips can travel along your neck. You arch into his touch, and tug on his tie, wanting him even closer.

"I'm sorry I haven't realized before. We could have been... hmmn... doing this earlier. Fuck! There! Bite me there again!" You feel him smile against your neck as he sinks his teeth over the spot just below your jaw. "Sorry."

His chuckle is only somewhat muffled, "Quite alright. I'll be sure to make up for all the time we've lost."

You expect him to lean closer, to push you onto the couch and have his way with you. Instead he gently wraps his hand around yours and walks you to his desk. With a small smirk he nods towards it. You look at the table then back at Silco, who's already removed his tie and is unbuckling his belt. "Oh." If at all possible your cheeks get even hotter than they already were. But the rush of heat you feel between your legs is more powerful than your nerves. "You like to do it on the desk?"

"Not often. I would like to eat you out on it. I feel like I could get a good eyeful of you that way don't you think." Silco licks his lips and cups the bulge in his boxers, giving his cock a firm tug, "And then I'll give you this too. But I want you taste you first."

Silco's hand traces over your thigh as you take a seat on the desk. The closer he gets to your center the more you part your thighs to accommodate him. "Yes." You hiss out when the pad of his index finger presses against your clothed clit, rubbing it in tight, little circles over your panties. "I'd love that. Please."

"Oh there's no need to beg sweetheart. I'll give you exactly what you want don't you worry." He pushes your panties to the side and circles your entrance, teasing just long enough to have you buck your hips against his hand. The moment you do so his finger sinks into your heat. All the way in. He keeps it there, as if memorizing the feeling of you around his finger. "I can't wait to have you wrapped around my dick."

He drops on his knees while haphazardly tossing his tie and vest behind him. You like him going slow but you really don't want to ruin your panties any further. Silco frowns as you push his hand away. His expression quickly turns back into a smile as you take your panties off. He grabs them before you can throw them away and pockets them for later, watching in delight as you bite your lower lip in embarrassment.

"Go ahead." Your hands go the back of his neck and bring him close to your already wet pussy.

"A pretty little thing aren't you?" His finger is back inside you before you can reply, followed closely by his mouth closing around your clit. Oh gods. The way he sucked and fingered you at the same time, his tongue alternating between circling the bud of nerves and rapidly swishing from side to side.

"Your finger. Curl it up. Pl- ah!" He already told you that you don't need to beg and he meant it. His finger was slow, moving in and out, and for some reason he started groaning against your clit, which only made it feel better.

"Fuck." He growled as he laid his tongue flat around your clit, "You taste better than I imagined. I think I'll have to make this a daily thing sweetheart." He growled again. This time you saw him move, saw him buck his hips, followed with a slightly slick sound. He was rubbing his cock. He was jerking off while fingering and eating out your cunt.

You needed him. You wanted him. How did you not notice how much you wanted him before?

He pulled his lips away, his lower chin slick with your juices as he smiled a little goofily up at you. "Are you ready for my cock? I'm sorry if I seem a little impatient, but I've been painfully hard since our kiss. Not to mention all the times I've jerked off to you before, imagining it was your pussy fluttering around me instead."

Fuck.

Your legs wrap around his lower back, pulling him forward so quickly that Silco almost fell over and crashed on top of you. His face is once again an embarrassing, and adorable, shade of pink.

"A little eager hm?" Silco smiles as he kisses your cheek, the further down, capturing your lips in a sweet kiss. His tongue swipes along your bottom lip asking for entrance. At the same time you feel the tip of his cock push inside you. It makes you gasp, providing Silco the opportunity to swirl his tongue around yours, hot moans escaping both of you.

Upon managing to get his cock fully inside of you he pulled his lips away, opting to kiss your neck instead, almost like he was gonna starve if he lets himself go without kissing you for too long.

He had yet to move his hips but his lips were all over you. Your neck, your jaw, your collarbones, and your breasts once he pushed your shirt and bra up, seemingly not having the patience to take them off fully.

Silco seemed intent on giving fucking you slow, savoring every sigh, every ripple of your walls around his cock, the feeling of warmth that came from having his cock fully enveloped in your pussy, having it open up and clench around him. His hips moving back and forth slowly, only occasionally snapping a little harder, giving you but a taste of what he can do for you. What he will do for you. You only need to say the word.

You groan close to his ear, bucking your hips into his, wanting to take in more of him, take him in deeper, faster, harder. More. Just more of him.

"What's the matter sweetheart? You seem a little... needy." He says that with such a smug expression and an even smugger tone of voice.

"Are you... fucking hell..." You bite your lip as slides his cock deep, his hips flush against yours, keeping you pinned against the table, "You're doing this on purpose aren't you?"

"Doing what?" He pulls out agonizingly slow and then back in. In and out, each time staying inside a little longer, "I'm trying to have my fill of you my darling. Is that wrong of me?"

"No." You let out a half groan, half sigh as he thrusts in slightly harder, "I do like this side of you." Your lips find his neck, leaving your own marks on his, "But right now I really want you to rail me." You whisper into his ear, your voice low and sultry, dripping with need.

His hips snap forward at your request. "Do you? Hmm... perhaps I will. As punishment." You moan loudly against his neck as he starts to pick up the pace, "Maybe this way you won't let random costumers flirt with you tomorrow. If you even go to work tomorrow. Maybe you'll want to spend a few days locked away in my bedroom huh? Just you and me? Making up for all that lost time."

"Hmm..." Your head swims with the possibilities of what the two of you could get up to during those few days. The fantasies blur your vision, "Fuck, the things I'd do with you."

"That's my line. I promise I'll make you feel wonderful sweetheart. Because you... right now your cunt is like heaven around my cock." The wet, slick sounds of his cock thrusting in and out make your legs cramp up around him, your head falls back and your mind shatters with the pleasurable intensity of your orgasm crashing over you. "Good. That's so fucking good my darling. Keep clenching around my cock just like that. Let me take everything you have, every ounce of pleasure, every sigh, every moan."

Your back arches against him before you go completely slack on the desk. Silco's lips are back on your neck as he chases his own high. By the way his cock pulses you're expecting him to finish inside of you at second now. Except that he pulls out. Slowly but sill causing you to whimper from the slight sting. He takes his hard cock in his hand, his eyes locked on yours as he shoots his cum all over your stomach and tits.

"Why..." You take a deep breath to steady yourself, "Why did you pull out?"

He huffs, "Well darling, while I'm sure it would feel wonderful to finish inside you, I'm already a father, and she is more then a handful at the moment."

"At the moment?" You tease.

"At the moment." Silco smiles and gives you a peck on the cheek, then one on the lips. His eyes travel down your body, taking in his handiwork, "As lovely as you look covered in my cum like that, we should get cleaned up don't you think? I can have towels brought here for us. And some food and drinks as well."

"I could go for something to drink actually." Silco nods and gets himself to look presentable again. He tells you to wait, he'll only be gone for a few minutes. You lean back on the table, your arm thrown over your head. Well you just fucked your boss as well as your friend. And you loved every second of it.

You hear the door open and close, the key turning in the lock. Silco sets a trey of food and water on the table. Wine is nice but you don't need to get any more alcohol for the night.

"Hold still darling." Silco gently wipes you down, all the more careful when he reaches your inner thighs. "You alright?"

"Fine. Just a little tired." You stand up on shaky legs, Silco's arms wrapping around your back and pulling you back towards the couch where he sits you down next to him.

"Maybe you can convince your boss to give you a day off?" There's that twinkle in his eyes again. Except this time you know exactly what it means. You look back down towards his crotch, a very subtle outline of his cock visible.

"Maybe in the morning." You snuggle up to his chest, sighing as Silco puts his arms around your shoulders and kisses your forehead. Now you really wish you've noticed his feelings sooner, because damn, he is as good at cuddling as he is at fucking.

#arcane #arcane x reader #silco #silco x reader #arcane fanfic #arcane smut #silco smut #arcane imagines #silco imagine #league of leguends #league of legends smut #league of legends fanfiction #league of legends imagine

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finethingswellworn · 6 months

Text

Stede's arc is hitting me so hard.

Because of course. Of fucking course this would happen. It was almost inevitable and the inevitability is crushing me.

Stede has spent his whole life being mocked for being soft or being written off completely. Never, not once, before he found his crew and Ed, did he receive love, care, or validation from anyone.

We see in Stede's perfect fantasy dream at the beginning of the season what he thinks he needs to do to win Ed's heart, to be a "man." That being your typical macho dudebro shit. Vanquishing Izzy, fighting, impressing Ed with his newfound pirate skills.

Then, he actually manages to get Ed back and he thinks the way to keep him is to be someone he isn't, really, because he still, after all this time, doesn't realize that Ed wants him as he is. Soft, kind, gentle.

As Ed says, Stede appeared to Ed as a sparkly fucking merperson and it was that Stede who saved Ed's life. Not as some great champion but as a weird, ethereal creature of the fucking deep. If Ed wanted someone to fight for him, he could have had his choice years and years and years ago.

But father Bonnet's words are still ringing in Stede's ears, even now. "Soft-handed, lily-livered little rich boy." So when Ed and his crew are threatened, Stede finally has the chance to do something about it. He kills Ned.

Just like when he got rid of Nigel, he's rewarded for it. Except, this time, it's not only by his crew. It's by the whole pirate community. A community that had once laughed at him, thrown drinks on him, humiliated him in every possible way. A community that he'd wanted so desperately to impress for so long.

It might be simple to say that Stede did all this just to impress Ed, and that's certainly a factor in it, but it goes a waaaaay deeper than that. There's a huge part of Stede that wants this, wants to be feared and respected, admired and valued in the way that Blackbeard used to be. He's said it from the first: "If I could only be... like Blackbeard... I'd give all of this away." It's a not-so-secret craving of his, the craving of a man who has been systematically disrespected and ignored his entire life.

"NOTICE ME!"

"SEE ME!"

"Can't YOU TELL I'M DIFFERENT NOW, (even if I've turned my back on everything I am, wrecked all my previous relationships to chase after this new, shiny thing,) SO FINALLY YOU'LL WANT ME, YOU'LL LET ME INTO YOUR CIRCLE."

And they do, for a time. The other pirates actually fucking do.

Oh, the thrill. Oh, the exhilaration. The wave of euphoria of that... it's like a drug. It sweeps everything else aside, everyone else who might love you enough to tell you this isn't who you are or what you should be doing. It whispers sweet, sweet nothings in your ear. Makes you act like a total jackass and everybody's loving it, loving you.

You start thinking: "I can do this. I can really do this. This is the new me. I don't have to be my lame old self who people have always looked down on in disgust or pity or both anymore. What a relief! I can be this cool guy who everyone likes."

Stede doesn't understand that he's doing the exact same thing Ed did with Calico Jack. No, the thrill is too overwhelming for that. He doesn't understand that, if Ed had bothered to stick around longer to talk, he probably would have said: "I don't like who you are around these guys."

It's not that Ed doesn't want Stede to be successful, it's that he doesn't want it like this. He doesn't want to be a pirate at all. He wants to do something simple like run an inn. But Stede's still too high on that recently acquired infamy and validation to notice Ed's discomfort with the situation. Or his own.

Until, all at once, he's in way over his head. He realizes, "Oh shit, I can't do this." He's beaten and battered, rendered pathetic yet again, and the only people who still care for him are the people he started out with. His crew, begging him to plead mercy. Because everyone else has died or left him as soon as he wasn't the toughest one in the room.

And here we leave him, having made a laundry list of mistakes, with everything up in flames and Ed gone. A new low. A hard lesson. But a necessary one.

This fucking show!

#stede bonnet #i’ve only watched the episodes once so forgive me if this is choppy and incoherent #OFMD S2 ep6 spoilers #OFMD S2 ep7 spoilers #OFMD S2 spoilers #our flag means death season two spoilers #our flag means death #our flag means death spoilers #Edward teach

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sandrayprotector · 7 months

Text

Ray from the perspective of an addict and mentally ill person

TW // addiction, death, depression, self-harm, drug abuse

Addiction from the POV of a [former] addict (prescription medicine, alcohol, deodorant, self-harm) and the parallels to Ray and his behavior.

I'll be totally open and vulnerable here, I'll be honest about my experiences and about the pros and cons which I have lived through. And I will be drawing the parallels between my former behavior and how Ray acts and pointing out why he might act certain ways and I'll give you the POV of someone who lost a loved one to addiction as well.

So please proceed with caution ⚠️

What is addiction? When does it start?

Clinically there is a perfect definition for that. It is an illness (yet many don't seem to view it as that)

But personally I can't really tell you the moment, the one thing that made me realize I'm an addict.

It's a slow process and that's making it so hard to realize.

I've been on ADHD meds since i was 7 years old, hence didn't really have the chance of a sober life from the start. I was misdiagnosed, the ADHD pills didn't really do much for me other than make me addicted and give me a cushion that wrapped me, shielding me from my own feelings.

Once that cushion was taken away from me, I spiraled. I was 11 years old. I tried to find something new, something to deal with my newly found emotions, something to deal with some trauma I've experienced in that time and I started abusing ibuprofen(which I found In my parents drawer) and started self-harming (which as well can be classed as addiction).

I started drinking when I was 12, black out drunk the first time when I was 13, the same time I started smoking cigarettes. As I said, I never really had a sober life. At age 14 I started using deodorant, the spray ones, inhaling the toxines. It helped me - for 30 minutes. Deodorant is so, so dangerous you can die, the first time you're using it. It's not some soft drug or anything it's life threatening and 4 of my friends went into the hospital because of it. I was "lucky" enough it never happened to me, maybe it should have maybe I had stopped.

At age 15/16 my excessive alcohol consume finally caught the eye of my little brother, begging me to stop come home pissed drunk nearly everyday. I didn't listen, I thought I had everything under control or didn't want to admit I fell in a rabbit hole. I was on 4 different anti-depressants at that time, the addiction already had taken a toll on me, and my mental health declined further. Anti-depressants and Alcohol are a toxic combination, it wasn't a very bright time.

This went on until I was 18 and had it's peak when I was 19, living alone with my boyfriend (at that time) for the first time in my life. Waking up, drinking 1 Liter of box red wine, smoking a cigarette, taking my pills, go out, drink more, abuse deodorant, pass out, repeat. In between self-harm was still something I used to control my feelings. and I don't really have many memories of that time it's all just a big blur. My family and friends had distanced from me for a while at that point. I was a burden, didn't listen to them, began being verbally violent towards them and even physically violent at some point. I was a horrible person.

I had a turning point when I turned 20, I found a person willing to put up with me, reaching their hand out to me, willing to help and destroy themselves in the run. Well it wasn't all sunshine in the beginning we abused alcohol and w33d together, getting high almost everyday, it was like a ritual for both of us. The only positive outcome was that my self-harming became less and less over time. I stopped using my anti-depressants (never NEVER do that like me without going to a doctor). And my life seemed to get better.

I started getting horror trips from the w33d and stopped using it. I started to get pretty heavy hangovers from the alcohol my body was at a point where it began to crumble. And finally, my mind snapped and I realized I needed to change ( after having lost almost all my friends and family) after destroying my body to a point where I still to date have problems. I was 22 at that point.

I got into therapy and worked my way out.

I'm still an addict, I still think about almost all the time. When i drink alcohol it's very hard to stop myself from over-drinking, I still self-harm, still take more ibuprofen than prescribed but I'm good, as far as i can be. Addiction is hell, it's messing up your life and leaves you with a blur of memories that don't feel like they're yours. It takes a toll on your body and mind. It's really like burning in hell fire.

The POV of someone who lost a loved one to addiction

I was 13 when my first love overdosed on heroin. He was the very first person who genuinely showed me love, told me I was perfect the way I was.

I got to know him when I was 11, after I was assaulted in a Park. He was 12 at the time, turning 13 shortly after.

He already was smoking and drinking when I got to know him. And looking back it seems that we spiraled together, he fell harder than I did.

He used weed for the first time on his 13th birthday. and on his 14th birthday he was already addicted to Heroin.

We had great times together, I loved him unconditionally. We weren't together (we never got together) but we cared for each other deeply. It was a love on another level something that only comes once in a lifetime.

He changed. Not only his looks ; he got more skinny, his eyes (beautiful eyes, so beautiful) were sunken in, his skin was ashy etc. But his personality changed as well. He was still a wonderful person, still caring, still the perfect boy (in my eyes). But he was careless, his life didn't seem to mean much to him anymore. He was rarely sober, rarely able to stand or walk straight. He was tired all the time, and if he was on turkey ( withdrawal) he became unbearable, even violent at times.

It was heaven and hell being close to him. Like Ikarus burning his wings on the sun honestly. And I was only a child as well, I was only 11, 12, 13...

You can only do so much when someone you love struggles with addiction and I was an active addict myself, even though I wasn't aware of it at that time. I was a heavy drinker, self-harmed. We were so toxic for each other, so, so toxic.

And the sad part was that no one noticed. No one noticed us spiraling, his fresh needle marks in the arms. Or they turned a blind eye, kept telling themselves that everything was alright, I don't know.

His aunt (he didn't live with his parents) saw him as burden, told him he was a burden to her and her family. He took that to his heart. He often cried because he asked himself what he did wrong to be treated like that. We (me and his best friend) didn't have an answer for him.

When he turned 16, I didn't know that it would be the last birthday we would be celebrating together - only 3 days later he was dead. He only had the chance to be 16 for 3 days. 16 years and 3 days. I knew him for 3 years and 2 weeks.

I found him. He overdosed in a dirty bathroom, all alone. There was no one there to help him. And I blame myself till now (14 years later) that if I had arrived just a few minutes earlier, if I had slept over like I had promised the day before, he would still be here.

I've never been to his grave, I didn't go to his funeral. I physically can't.

I miss him so damn much, every day.

And the worst is that not even that stopped me from my addictions, it didn't make me realize that I was slowly approaching the same fate. I would say it made it worse, on my 14th birthday I smoked weed for the first time, 2 month after his death. And I only spiraled from there.

He wasn't the best and most loyal friend. He was an idiot at times, angry and violent at others. He stole multiple times from me, because he didn't have enough money to feed his addiction. He picked fights, randomly without reasoning and very uncalled for.

But he was my idiot. Mine. Maybe I can't be objective when talking about him. Maybe my lingering feelings want me to see him in a better light.

I did suffer a lot in this friendship, wanted to call it quits often. I even told him once or twice that he's destroying me, but I won't ever leave him.

I found a letter after I found him. I still keep that letter. "Princess, I needed to die so you can live." i never hated him more than in that moment. But now that I'm an adult, I understand that maybe he was right.

I'm sorry for rambling, sorry for making you read this confession/cry idk what to call it.

I loved an addict, I loved a wonderful boy who took one false turn. I lost an addict, I lost the shell of the wonderful who Nico once was.

Parallels between my experience/behavior and Ray's in only friends

Okay let's look at Ray's background.

The first parallel I want to point out is Trauma.

Ray's Mother's Death - drinking to death

In my case it was a friend overdosing in front of my eyes, I found him just like Ray did with his mother

I was 11 turning 12, I think Ray was around that same age, maybe a year or 2 older.

My friend died age 16 with a needle in his arm. Addiction and death don't know age.

Okay so, 1st point, experiencing trauma at a young age.

2nd from what I saw Ray didn't really get help with his trauma, just the same as me, driving him to depression (more severely). If you have no help, especially at that age, you WILL spiral

3rd :

Your friends start to distance themselves (which is their right in some way)

My friends dealt with me the same ways Ray's friends deal with him. They tried, they really did try to help me, but they were just teenagers/young adults themselves

You can't expect someone that age to help an addict.

BUT what they and my friends could've done, would be sending us to a psych ward, you can do that if it's a life threatening situation, which Ray is in and which I was in as well.

4th

Anger issues when being drunk.

Most of the time we see Ray as this cute puppy with big eyes, but the moment he drinks, he has violent tendency.

Which I can just say I did as well. Alcohol doesn't numb you, it brings your feelings to the surface

Feelings you've bottled up deep inside, trying to numb them with other things (in Ray's case probably c0c4ine, in my case deodorant)

5th

Being clingy to strangers

this may surprise you but I can totally get why Ray clinged to Sand after he helped him that one time.

You're just such a sucker for human interaction, physical touch, feeling worthy, you really don't care from where you get it

In my case even though I am asexual I slept around a lot at that time, trying to get that little bit of love no one could give me

And seeing how Ray acts, it's the same for him as well

6th

Manipulation

Yes Ray is manipulative, not in the way Boston is, but still.

He knows how to get what he wants and knows exactly what to do to reach his goal.

As an an addict your life basically becomes a lie at one point or the other.

You lie to yourself, the people around you, and sometimes even build your own world in which you can enable yourself.

And all of that while being 40% aware of what you're doing (Ray knows exactly how to get Sand to do what he wants)

7th

Playing it down

"Just for the little sip"

"I'm a light weight"

"I'm not that drunk"

Constantly playing down the severity of the problem is something I did as well and we've seen it from Ray more than once.

8th

crying for help but don't actually want help

Ray not once but multiple times basically cried for help, not only the obvious (bathtub scene) but the time when he told Sand why his mother died, just when he poured alcohol, the times he claimed he's just a burden and so on. All of those are indirectly cries for help, yet no one notices.

And I promise even if they would try to help, Ray would just turn it down. Because why would he want to lose something that helps him get through life.

I was the same

Addiction isn't black and white. It's often Grey. Addiction can be your best friend and worst nightmare.

Addiction isn't something you can battle alone, and the battle will never stop.

It's even more dangerous if you have other mental issues as well

Ray definitely suffers from depression and maybe a personality disorder. Anxiety could also be a possibility, that guy is severely sick.

As in my case I have a few diagnosis, borderline, anxiety and depression being the most severe.

Being in Ray's shoes is not an easy walk. It's exhausting, it's pulling you down. And I can totally relate to his su1cidal tendencies because I was at that point more than once as well.

It's hell being an addict, even more so when your whole social bubble basically enables your behavior (Ray's Friends do that, mine did as well)

And it's so easy pulling everyone down the hole with you. Everyone will burn themselves on you, they will get hurt.

You can't expect a healthy relationship to someone with a severe addiction, they're toxic and they will kick you out of your comfortable life.

But they're sick and they need help, not beating them down when they're already on the ground.

I hope I could give you a little more insight and if you have questions please don't shy away and ask me whatever you want 🥺🥰

You're worthy, you're strong, you're amazing, I'm proud of you and wish you nothing but the best in life

#khaotung thanawat #gmmtv #bl drama #firstkhaotung #only friends the series #sandray #ray only friends #addiction #mental health #mental illness #awareness #thai bl

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qweerhet · 10 months

Note

i just wanted to share my experience. i dont wanna go into too much identifying detail but like. one of my best friends used to be my abuser. we were in an unhealthy codependent relationship for years, both abusing alcohol to cope with our traumas, and unfortunately abusing me as well. eventually we broke up and moved into different places, and both decided to stop drinking for our own sakes. after space and time we came back together to talk and have some closure. we both missed each other as friends. we set very clear boundaries with each other, and started hanging out more in slow and small increments. we both went to therapy, and not only did i process trauma there, i also got to speak to my abuser about it. and actually be heard. its shockingly healing to hear your ex abuser say "that was so fucked up what i did, and im sorry." sometimes these memories pop up still and we kinda have an understanding that me bringing it up is to talk through it with them, not out of anger. for some reason it really helped my healing to understand what my abuser had been thinking and going through themselves during the abuse.

people really don't understand when i try to explain it to them, they look at me like am an idiot, still being abused without realizing it. im not saying it was Easy, or without road bumps. we had fights a couple of times. but now, i feel so much more healed over that trauma than any other in my life. i feel actual closure, and i trust my friend completely now. i just want people to respect that, but oftentimes they don't :(

i don't really have much to say to this--just that i appreciate you sharing this, and that i personally resonate with a lot of it. i've had a similar experience--i don't refer to it as abuse for myself, because i don't think they had hierarchical power over me and i was genuinely just as toxic and violent towards them as they were to me during the period of time that was most harmful. but it was harm, it was emotional toxicity and power games, it was a lot of mutual toxic drug abuse, and it was sexual violence towards me specifically.

and... yeah, we broke up, and moved out, and both did a lot of trauma work and processing and community building and both giving and receiving emotional aid. and eventually, we got to a place where we started being friends again and are able to talk very openly about what we did to each other and why. and hearing "that was fucked up, i'm sorry i did that, and here's why it was wrong and how i act differently now" about the sexual violence i experienced... was the only thing that got me past the sexual trauma i carried with me from that time, in the end.

that's a personal statement. it's not going to apply to everyone, or even most people. but i really appreciated your willingness to share your experience publicly, and i'd like to reciprocate in turn for once. (probably not going to do more personal life experience sharing on this blog, or at least not in more detail than i have already, but i felt like this was an important one to share in this context.)

but yeah. it's really hard when people don't respect that or treat you like you're a naive idiot.

#anonymous #ask

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michaelsbigreddick · 2 years

Text

Pinky Promise- Robin Buckley x F!reader - friends to lovers

Y/n and robin had been friends since grade school. it was somewhere during their freshman year that y/n had realized her feelings for her best friend. years went by and her repressed feelings only grew stronger, especially after their shared trauma. after the fight in starcourt, after the upside down, y/n didn't have it in her to not do what she wanted anymore. So she tried everything she thought she'd ever missed out on. everything but the act of kissing her bestfriend.

i wanted to write something short since all my 3-5k posts dont get much attention, maybe a cute little angsty drabble is the way to go <3

warnings- underage drinking and mention of drug use.

thank you so much for reading!!

_____________

“Y/n, I want to leave!” Robin yells at her to the best of her abilities.

“Are you not having fun?!” Y/n's voice barely makes it over the blaring music. The truth and the complete truth was that she wasn't. Robin hadn't been for a while. It was fun in the beginning. But seeing that she made getting high and drinking at strangers' basements a routine, it got old fast.

“No, I'm not having fun! I'm tired of this!”

“I'm gonna be completely honest with you, I have no clue what you're saying right now!" She giggled putting her arms around Robin's neck.

Robin takes an arm into her hand and pulls her into the nearest room.

“I'm not coming to a party with you again.” She says searching through her bag.

“I don’t know what happened to you. You never liked to party before! This, this isn't you!” She pulled a water bottle out of her bag. The bottle cap cracked off the seal.

______

“Robin, after being thrown across rooms, God after so many damn times of nearly dying and seeing you all cheat death, MAYBE, I want to party a bit! Shit, maybe I want to live a little before that shit comes back for a round four! Maybe if I can't do the one thing I actually want to do, I can, I can fill the void with this..” You raise the red solo .

You thought of drinking the rest of the shit in your cup. That one thing you needed, the brightest of apples you craved to dig your teeth into, the most forbidden of fruits and all things desirable, your best friend, Robin.

You couldn't help they way you felt. What was there not to love? The way her freckles peaked out of the most perfect places, her big smile and contagious laugh. Her insane brain, and compassionate heart. Her lips that you could only wish to taste. And the feelings, the feels she had awoken in you. You'd liked guys before. You knew what liking someone feels like. It's nice, it's fun, You get butterflies. But this. It feels like you’re on fire. Your every thought and entire being is being consumed by her and thoughts of her. She was what your dreams are made of.

"Can I ask you something?"

"You can always ask me something." She said handing you the water bottle. You take it and try swallowing down the knot in your throat with a gulp of water.

"What would you say if I asked to kiss you?" She shook her head. Growing more frustrated with you.

“Sober up." she huffs, taking the cup out of your hand.

"This has nothing to do with how many drinks I've had.”

"Yes, yes it does." She spoke clearly, standing her ground.

"Robin, I've had two drinks and only because you,"

"Because I what y/n?"

"Because you're wearing those fucking rings again." You say desperately. The water shakes to the speed of your trembling hand.

"Why would I, why would I lie Robin?”

"That's what I want to know y/n! You can't just say things like this. Especially not when you're drunk!" She joins you at the end of the bed, hands rubbing at her knees.

"You're the one blaming it on me having too many drinks." You sigh trying to compose myself. But it was hard not to lose it when you was being this open.

"I can't, I won't keep it in anymore!" You place the water bottle on the floor.

"I want you Robin, I want you here with me all the time, I want to wake up to you and kiss you when you ask me what I'm staring at. I want God, Robin, I just want you." You grab her hand and hold it to your chest. Her warm hand pressed against your shaking chest.

"Tell me that I'm lying Robin. Tell me I'm lying." You whisper to her.

"Y/n." She looked at you terrified. Exactly what you thought was going to happen.

"Or maybe, I should have just kept this all to myself." you said removing her hand from your grasp.

"Y/n," she took your hand. "You're not messing with me right?"

"I've never been more serious about anything else in my life Robin. I'm trying my best not to piss myself right now."

"Just wanted to make sure before I," she stopped, staring into your lips, parting her own with her tongue.

"Before?" then she does it and you freeze. She pulls away for only a moment before you place your hand at the back of her neck and pull her back into you. Her lips were so soft, and her tongue tasted like bubble gum.

She pulls away from you, biting her lips. You both begin to giggle, leaning into each other and sharing smaller kisses that slowly make everything feel more real.

“Why didn't you say anything sooner? I wish, I don’t,” she sighs interlacing her hand with yours.

“I think I was just scared you’d, I don't know, I was scared to see you walking out the door.” she laughed, squeezing your hand.

“Y/n, it's almost hilarious how you never saw the signs, how hard I was trying to hold back.”

You felt the heat rush to your face. How long had you been so oblivious for?

“We don't have to take this fast, we can, you know, take our time?” You didn't know what else there was to learn about Robin. You were best friends since childhood. But whatever this new side of your relationship brought, you wanted to savor every minute of it.

“Does taking it slow mean I can't kiss you? Cause I really liked what we were doing just now.”

“Taking it slow can mean whatever you want it to mean.” she cups your face and kisses you again. And that's when it hit you, this was going to be a regular thing to you now. You didn't have to wait for the deep realms of your dreams to kiss her anymore.

“Can you promise me something?”

“Not to tell anyone?”

“Well, that's a given.” she gives you a half-hearted laugh

“No actually, That we’ll tell someone. Someday. Doesn't have to be soon. It doesn't have to be in a year, just, someday.”

“We'll scream at the top of our lungs one day."

"Promise?"she said pressing her forehead to yours.

"Pinky promise." you held out our pinky finger to her. She hooked her own against yours and the deal was sealed. A promise to love each other in private, till you could share it with the world.

#robin buckley angst #robin buckley stranger things #robin buckley #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley imagine #robin buckley x y/n #robin buckley x you #robin buckley x female reader #stranger things #angst #stranger things fluff #robin buckley fluff

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goodmorningnona · 7 days

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can i ask what you're withdrawing from? no matter what substance it's so hard. wishing you a smoother ride <3

Like, everything, dude. It was bad. I wasn't planning on being specific about it but like, that was just out of shame and shame is for losers which I am decidedly not, so. Long post incoming, and a lot of information you didn't ask for. I know so, so many people who say that they use too much of their substance of choice and have tried and failed to stop that I just felt the need to really elaborate... plus, it serves as a reminder for me as to why I'm quitting.

Right now I'm struggling with coke withdrawal because I caved literally the day after I started trying to get sober (my roommate gave me a talk about the possibility of transference to worse shit shortly after I declared cold turkey, and well... Sorry if you're reading this, nawee, you were right and I'm trying and I very quickly learned and I'm sorry for being too scared to tell you).

Everyone where I live does coke like drinking fucking water and it's super normalized if you go to bars or parties or clubs or like, fucking anywhere really. Always wanted to try it, did that a year ago, NOPE. Not even once. Don't fuck with coke, kids. Especially when it's so available. And don't be naïve and say you just need to hang out with "the right people" because this can happen to ANYBODY. One moment of hedonistic indulgence and you're fucked.

And that's without the coke being cut with fent, which... mine might've been, man, I've had coke cravings before but never anything this bad. I was being stupid and snorted coke from someone I don't know because I was down for anything because my brain was just screaming at me (if you know what OCD thoughts feel like, drug cravings feel a lot like that). I dunno what a speedball feels like because I'm not a coke connesieur--that's me with weed and shrooms--so I really don't know what I took, and that's like harm reduction 101- know what you're taking, and who you're getting it from. I should also note, I don't even fucking like coke, it was just there so my brain said "why not" (which is generally my attitude to free drugs, which is very very bad).

Anyway, so on to what else was the problem! Why did I need to get sober to start with? Well, I was smoking enough weed that I started to puke every time I did it, and then I greened out in class (see why no one here can know who I am in the academic world?). That was when I realized I had a problem. I was smoking so much weed before class because, to quote the post I literally made just before making this decision: "ive experienced such vile antisemitism in my queer studies class this year that im [...] going to class high...", which essentially amounts to "I am so afraid I need to not feel in order to function." I have no idea if I had anyone in that class fooled as to why I was so fucked up, but I did feign food poisoning after I left the classroom to lie on the cold tile of the public university bathroom and a woman saw me lying there over a toilet and asked if I was okay. The moment I lied was the moment I noticed something was very deeply wrong and had been for a while. I was so sick I considered taking myself to hospital. When I started coming to after coming home and passing out for hours, I remembered why I started doing drugs to start with: they're fun. This wasn't fun anymore.

But with weed, man, I've been smoking weed since I was 15. There was just nothing else to do in my hometown. I never smoked much, and I always knew what I liked because I've been smoking pot for over a decade. I don't even really like weed highs that much; literally it is just something to do when you're bored. Another rule of doing drugs "safely" (there is no safe way to do drugs, only safe-r ways) is don't do them because you're bored or sad or avoiding something etc. I was all three of those things, plus just trying to feel anything but the constant stress and fear. Did I realize something was wrong when my grandpa offered me weed and I felt so relieved to just get high after being sober the whole trip? No, of course not.

So then we can talk about the fact that I was getting nearly blackout drunk twice a week. Genuinely, I'd been trying to drink less prior to this. I had started having really bad stomach problems every time I drank especially wine, so I was trying to cut down (fun fact, this was likely a result from drinking too much in the first place, and I'm very glad I listened to my body). The problem? I don't back down from a challenge. I'll chug anything. If I'm drunk enough, I'm the challenger. I'm the guy who finishes people's drinks because they "know I can" and get me to drink more. Don't even get me started on the fact that people love giving me free drinks for being charming and talented (I... I wish I was kidding but that's just what I've been told). But basically, I see drinking like a competition, and I have two separate friend circles who like to go out every week, ergo, getting properly shitfaced twice a week. Luckily because I had been cutting back, alcohol is the least of my problems right now, it's more the social element that's dangerous and I need to be changing where and how I hang out with people, too. Fun fact: I can drink alone because I don't actually like being drunk (another pro tip- if you don't like how something feels, maybe don't do it!), I just think beer tastes nice, so I'll have one with a meal once in like a literal blue moon (haha... ha. Get it.) Another scary story for you, a friend of mine who is virtually a drinking buddy (red flag #1 and, list of relationships I need to change) and I were drinking at her house (red flag #2) and she invited a new person to introduce me to after taking us outside to smoke a buncha pot (substances in my body at this point: 2) and some cigarettes (substances: 3, red flag #3). I don't even like being crossfaded literally at all (I don't like being drunk or weed high so??? Why would I do this??? The answer is addiction but we're getting to that). I was already very drunk, and beginning to get nauseated from the weed thanks to my new problem when the usually-pleasant dizziness of cigarettes kicked in as we took the lift up to my friend's apartment. My introduction to this new person she was having me meet was me excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom at like 4pm on a Sunday. There is a time and a place, and this was not it.

So let's take a tally: so far, we're at three substances, with two left to go.

Cigarettes. I've learned a lot of people don't even think of them as a drug, which is kind of fucking insane, considering... well, everything about them. I started smoking a little over a year ago because I always thought I'd like it (we'll get into some mild pathology shortly), then continued because it was fun and accessible, and then by October I was smoking more and more because of unavoidable stress (gee I wonder what happened in October that could've caused that!). I was smoking so much that I was smoking through having the fucking FLU and while marching myself to the urgent care for tamiflu I chainsmoked so much I puked in the urgent care for what I lied and told them was "unrelated to why I was there." I only starting smoking more after that. Now, I've never been a pack-a-day type, but once I'd hiked my way up to smoking five a day and feeling absolutely nothing from it--just doing "maintenance"--I wanted to smoke less so it could become fun again. I should also note that I did restrict myself in some ways with cigarettes, because I wouldn't smoke after like, 8pm unless it was a night out because they made me too wired to sleep. Quitting cigarettes has been the hardest thing (which is what everyone says), but it's even harder because 1) they literally help you quit the harder stuff (another fun fact, cigarettes make you crave alcohol and weed less, I saw it in an NIH study somewhere (I can't find it bc I'm bad at Words to do the Google thing); problem is that conversely drinking makes you want to smoke and smoking makes you need to drink more to feel drunk) and 2) This is the one drug I actually genuinely like, and I don't intend on quitting it fully, I just want to reframe it as a fun thing not a maintenance thing, which is really difficult because see point #1.

And finally, shrooms. These guys genuinely were a good idea, for a while. Seriously- shrooms helped me a lot. I take certain medications which happen to prevent or stop bad trips, so I only ever had a good time... for a while. It helped me work out a lot of emotional stuff. No hangover, would feel great for days after... And then I started doing them everyday because I was in the middle of such a bad bipolar episode that I was either manic or suicidal one minute to the next and totally spiralled out of control. I barely even remember those weeks, I just remember not being able to walk hardly because I was so high, crying myself to sleep because I didn't want to be high anymore, I just wanted to be happy. The thing is about shrooms is that they'll only amplify whatever you've got going on, which I consciously knew, but you're not thinking logically when you're in the middle of a bipolar swing. I tried doing them every other week after that, and eventually stopped entirely when I finally realized it wasn't helping. And yes- I was following microdosing advice, it just super isn't for me. I settled on doing one trip a month, which really did help my mental health for a time, but it was just a bandaid, like any addiction is. Then when I started having my additional addiction issues come to fruition I started taking shrooms to go out, and man, taking shrooms as a party drug is so not the move because they're so wonderfully meditative, but I was taking them just because I had some on hand. You can see where the drug problem was starting to be realized. I still genuinely think shrooms can be great but 1) sparingly 2) in the right environment 3) not as an unsupervised mental health aid (especially if you have bipolar). This period of time was really when I started expressing addictive behaviours in a serious way, I think.

I can spot about sixty different reasons I ended up here. Trauma's a good start. Birth father was a serious addict and so was my mom, and later in life my parents were teetotallers because of it. I straight up just thought drugs seemed like a good time because I got into rave music and metal via scene kid culture in like 2010 (which I am still into those things and god it's not helping). Potential of partying in undergrad dashed by lockdown, saved for graduate school emotional breakdowns. Bipolar disorder. Being an academic should be on the list for things that might make you addiction prone, good lord (and not to mention cigarettes being part od the classic academic and poet aesthetics, both of which I am). I like going clubbing and dancing and raves. And really, I just always knew I'd like drugs, had a bucket list of ways I wanted to experience them, and so when I had the ability to do so, I did. Truthfully though, I don't regret any of this. I got the experiences I wanted, and I'm facing the consequences, but for me, that's part of life; there's no use in regretting your actions having very obvious and predictable consequences, like, once it's done, it's done.

Now I'm in the position of smoking half a cigarette a few times a day so I don't take a shitton of benadryl or literally slit my wrists. Now I say that second part very specifically because cutting is also an addiction, and something I have been trying not to do for most of my entire life. Trauma's a bitch like that, and many other comorbidities. I'd avoided cutting entirely until a couple weeks ago and I scared myself so shitless with it that I did a buncha drugs instead! Holy shit, but like... Better? I guess? Basically, I'm so afraid of the world that I'd rather not experience it at all, but I don't actually want to die, so instead I just have to microdose self-destruction so I can feel in control of the fear. See how that sentence could've been about, say, alcoholism or cutting?

My goal is not to be totally clean forever; I do just really like cigarettes and a good beer occasionally, I just don't want it to be a coping mechanism, I want it to be fun, and I want to be alive.

Thank you and everyone for your kind words recently, it has genuinely made getting through this so much easier.

And yes, I'm seeking professional help.

#this one was a doozy but im so glad you asked anon it was so good to write!#drugs tw #suicide tw #cutting tw #sobriety update #lessons of the hand and the mouth #asks #long post

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justbeingbuck · 4 months

Text

Nature's Flower

A/N: hi so this is a real thing that happened to me a couple years ago and i've been meaning to write about it for closure. please do not read if a bad high triggers you. Ao3: here Pairing: astarion x tav/manona(oc) x halsin Rating/Warning(s): MATURE/tw bad high, tw drugged, comfort, fluff?, not proof read Words: 1,108 Summary: Manona was out with the girls and was offered a free drink. The drink was not something she was ready for. She has a bad high and Astarion and Halsin help her through it. (can be read as x reader since manona is only described by name) [bg3 masterlist]

The women of the party had just got back from a great time at the tavern. Everyone was giggling and having a good time still when the arrived back at camp. Manona was starting to feel extra lightheaded and giggly. Astarion looked at her with concern. He knew how she was when she was drinking and he knew something was wrong. He quickly got Halsin while Manona made her way to her bedroll. She was still giggling and fighting back tears as she realized she was alone. She sat on the hay stack, tears streaming down her face and giggle escaping from her lips. Manona glanced around and saw it was getting dark around her and more tears started to fall.

“Oh my gods,” she whimpered, “oh my gods.”

“My love?” Astarion whispered. He and Halsin looked at Manona, seeing tears streaming down her face, her lips twisting from a smile to a frown. Her eyes were glazed over. Astarion recognized this right away, someone drugged her but he didn’t know which drug. He went and kneeled in front of her. Her eyes slowly made their way to him.

“Sta-starry?” She choked out, “oh my gods.”

“I’m here, what do you need?” Astarion asked. Manona just stared at him whispering the same three words over and over.

“I think I know what’s wrong with her,” Halsin said gently.

“Someone drugged her, we need to heal her,” Astarion said.

“Not this drug. This is a nature flower. Only time will heal her,” Halsin explained.

“Hal-sin?” Manona said, her eyes were still on Astarion. He motioned for the druid to come over and kneel.

“We’re here,” Halsin said as he kneeled in front of her.

“Oh my gods, oh my gods,” she cried.

“Please talk to us,” Halsin said.

Manona slowly looked between them and to the firepit. She knew what to say but she couldn’t get the words out and this made her cry more. Astarion took her hand in his hands and held her close to his chest. Halsin did the same. Manona then looked at her lap. She felt so stupid. She knew she shouldn’t have accepted that free drink at the tavern.

“Stupid,” she said, her voice still watery.

Then, the visions came. Gale had lit a fire at Halsin and Astarion’s request. Manona stared at the fire and started seeing nightmares in the flames. She started to hyperventilate. Halsin acted quickly.

“Manona, love, calm down,” he said. She looked at him, still scared. He kept his voice gentle, “deep breaths, do it with me.”

Astarion joined Halsin in breathing slowly and deep for her. She slowly started to mimic them. She sniffled and looked at the fire again, the nightmares were gone. She was starting to shake.

“How long?” She asked.

“Until this is over?” Astarion asked. Manona looked at him and nodded.

“It could be a while, but we’ll be here with you the whole time,” Halsin said.

“Oh my gods,” she said. Panic started to set in again. She became aware of her heart rate and she started to think that she was dying. She started to cry again.

“It’s okay, my love,” Astarion said.

“I’m dying?” She asked.

“You’re not going to,” Halsin reassured.

“I’m sick,” she said. Halsin knew what was coming next.

“She’s going to throw up,” Halsin said. Halsin grabbed the bucket her brought with him and gave it her. Astarion reluctantly let got of her hand. She took the bucket and stared. The men got on either side of her and geld back her hair, waiting for the inevitable.

Shortly, she did throw up. She cried into the bucket and kept apologizing. Slowly, she started to feel better. Her head had the tiniest bit of clarity before being replaced by a fit of giggles.

“She’s better now,” Halsin said. He took the bucket from her and set it away from them.

“Hal-sin,” she sang while touching his face. She looked at Astarion and set her hand on his cheek. She smiled and sang, “Star-ry Night!”

“Oh, yes, she’s much better now,” Astarion agreed.

“Let’s go swim-ing!” She giggled out.

“How about we go tomorrow?” Halsin offered. Manona pouted and looked at Astarion as if he would give her a different answer.

“He’s right, love. Tomorrow,” Astarion said. Manona then leaned back and laid on the haystack with another giggle fit.

“Where’s sky?” She asked, “No stars.”

“Would you like to see the stars?” Astarion asked. Manona gasped.

“Yes,” she dragged out.

Halsin and Astarion helped her stand and took her to Halsin’s tent where she could see the stars. They all laid down and stargazed. Halsin and Astarion laid on either side of Manona. She gazed at the stars.

“Wow,” Manona whispered.

She adjusted to lay her head on Astarion’s chest. He adjusted so that he was holding her better and Halsin wrapped his arms around both of them. Then, there were giggles from Manona. They both looked at her with a confused look.

“Two boyfriends,” she whispered before laughing. She sighed, “Lucky.”

Eventually, she finally fell asleep nestled her both of her lover’s arms. She slept really well that night. She felt it was the best sleep she had ever gotten. When she woke, she was still in the arms of Astarion and Halsin. Then, memories of last night started to flood her mind. She quietly groaned to herself and hid her face in Astarion’s chest. She felt so stupid for everything.

“How are you feeling, love?” Astarion asked. Manona looked up from his chest to his eyes.

“Stupid, like really stupid,” Manona said.

“Don’t feel stupid for partaking in one of nature’s gifts,” Halsin said.

“But I didn’t know! I thought it was a normal drink,” she said as she felt tears pricking at her eyes.

“Manona, you can’t know everything,” Astarion said.

“But I should’ve known better than to drink it. I know someone bought for me but still,” she said.

“If I’m not mistaken, if someone buys you a drink, you drink it?” Halsin asked.

“Yes, that is the idea,” Astarion said.

“Fine. You two have a point. But I was so ridiculous last night. I’m sorry you had to see that,” she said.

“I’d rather us see it than all of Baldur’s Gate,” Halsin said.

“You didn’t do anything stupid if that’s what you wondering,” Astarion said.

“Thank you, both of you,” she smiled.

They stayed like that for a few more hours. The sun started to rise above the horizon, casting blues across the sky. Manona felt safe in their arms. She was grateful it was them who took care of her.

#astarion x tav x halsin #astarion x oc #astarion x tav #astarion x oc x halsin #bg3 fanfic

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12timetraveler · 1 year

Text

Beware the Jabberwocky

Summary:

Arthur and Hosea go on a boys trip. But when Arthur picks the wrong mushrooms, they take a trip of a different kind

CW: Mushrooms, recreational drug use

Word count: 3936

Notes:

For my dear friend @hoematthews on his birthday. Based on a late-night conversation we had with some other friends. I hope you enjoy!

AO3

~~~~~~~~

"So what are we hunting exactly?" Arthur asked, realizing he really had no idea what they were doing out here.

Hosea had asked if Arthur wanted to go hunting, and after weeks of doing job after job after job, constantly working, he was ready for something different. Any sort of change of pace.

"Moose, didn't I say?" Hosea chuckled, looking over his shoulder at Arthur.

"Oh. So we're just pretending we're going hunting," Arthur chuckled. He and Hosea had gone after moose many times over the years, but never caught one. Arthur had only even seen a moose a handful of times in his life, and never when he was looking for one.

"Nonsense," Hosea huffed. "I've been watching this area for a while. It's a little lake, remote in the mountains. All the wildlife around drink from it. Including a number of moose. We'll catch one this time, you'll see."

"Whatever you say," Arthur huffed. He wouldn't horribly mind if they just wasted time. Hosea was probably his favorite person to waste time with. He always ended up with a story to tell, and came back to camp feeling refreshed. Just getting out of camp with the man, spending a few days watching the lake for the elusive megafauna, that was just fine with him.

~~~~~~

They reached the lake just before nightfall. No time for hunting that night, but just enough time for Hosea to catch a couple fish while Arthur set up camp. Since they'd be there a couple days, Arthur used the canvas of his travel tent to make a sort of lean-to between the trees in case it rained. But he set up their bedrolls around the fire.

He knew his old friend would want to lay out under the stars, weather permitting, and enjoy the view. He'd likely tell Arthur the same stories he always did, legends and myths that made up the constellations. Arthur didn't mind. It was nice to hear Hosea talk about simple things.

It reminded him of the old days when he'd wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares and go sit by the fire only for Hosea to join him and talk his ear off until the sun rose. Back when it was just the three of them, and he was nothing but a gangly little street urchin.

So much had changed, and yet he always found comfort in Hosea's voice. Most of the time nowadays Hosea was busy helping the others in the gang. He was good at talking folks through their troubles. But that meant he didn't have as much time for Arthur as he used to. Arthur didn't get many chances to just sit with him and listen to him talk anymore.

"A feast befitting kings," Hosea crowed, drawing Arthur out of his musing. He approached the makeshift camp holding a pair of sockeye, which he'd already bludgeoned and gutted.

"Nice catch," Arthur hummed, looking up at Hosea from where he sat by the fire. "Here. I can filet 'em,"

"You'll do no such thing," Hosea huffed, swinging the fish away from Arthur's reach before sitting down by the fire. "You'll lose us all the meat the way you butcher fish. I'll do it,"

"Whatever you say," Arthur sighed, but there was no malice behind his voice, only familiar affection.

Hosea was right, it was quite the feast. The fish were so savory and tender, even with the crude ways the men had of seasoning and cooking. When Arthur lay down on his bedroll he felt pleasantly full and sleepy.

Across the fire Hosea was also settling down on his bedroll, grunting and groaning dramatically as he settled in on his back, hands resting on his chest. It was quiet for a moment, just the crackle of the campfire and the sounds of night.

"Do you see those three stars lined up," Hosea started, pointing up at the sky. Arthur couldn't help but smile as his earlier prediction had been right. "That's Orion's belt,"

"Is it?" Arthur hummed tiredly. He knew all the constellations Hosea knew. He'd been shown them time and time again. He didn't even have to look for it, he knew right where it would be.

"Yep," Hosea chirped. "Goes right across the constellation. You can see Orion himself, just around it,"

"So I can," Arthur murmured, his eyes closing.

"And right there, do you see the big dipper? It's crystal clear tonight," Hosea murmured.

"Oh yeah," Arthur mumbled.

"You know, escaped slaves used to call it The Drinking Gourd. They used it to guide them north to freedom,"

"Well I'll... Be," Arthur sighed, barely even awake.

"The big dipper is also part of Ursa Major, the great bear..."

Hosea kept talking long after Arthur was snoring. He knew how Arthur liked to hear him ramble.

~~~~~~~

The next morning the hunt began. After a breakfast of bread and some pheasant eggs, they set out from camp along the lakeshore.

The lake was truly stunning. The surface was smooth and sparkling in the morning sun, disturbed only by ripples of fish catching a morning meal of mosquitoes. The image of the trees and mountains reflected off the surface of the lake like a giant mirror.

It didn't take Hosea long to find some large moose tracks. Unfortunately they headed directly into the water, so they couldn't be followed more than a couple yards. There was no sign of the moose on the other side of the lake.

Hosea led Arthur up a slope overlooking the water, and the two sat there for a while watching the wildlife visit the lake, hoping their large friend would stop by. Plenty of other animals came to the lake. Elk and deer, foxes and rabbits, even a pack of wolves drank across the way, but after hours of sitting and watching no moose came to drink.

Some time after noon Hosea sent Arthur down to the lakeshore with some potent herbivore bait, hoping to lure the moose down. It certainly drew in a number of ungulates, but never a moose.

Finally around mid afternoon they decided to circle the lake and look for tracks that might lead them to their quarry. But the only tracks they found were old, or too small for a moose.

Along the way Arthur gathered some plants on the shore. Mint and burdock root and some mushrooms that looked like parasol mushrooms. Arthur was always a little hesitant with mushrooms because he really didn't know what the dangerous ones looked like. But these looked enough like parasols that he was confident in picking them.

By the time they were almost back to their temporary camp, the sun was starting to dip low in the sky. Arthur had a bag full of plants and mushrooms, but no moose.

"Well, seems our friends have eluded us today," Arthur huffed, stretching his shoulders.

"For now," Hosea sighed. "I'll see if I can catch us a rabbit to eat,"

"Alright. I'll get the fire going again," Arthur said, clapping Hosea on the shoulder. He could tell the old man was a little disappointed, but not completely disheartened. Mostly he was just tired after circling the lake. Arthur knew letting him hunt dinner would boost his spirits some.

Arthur had the fire going strong by the time Hosea returned to camp with a rabbit, already skinned and gutted.

"Good catch," Arthur hummed. It had been a big rabbit, he could tell.

"Not bad," Hosea shrugged, passing the rabbit carcass to Arthur. "Any of those plants you picked today good with rabbit?"

"Mmm maybe," Arthur hummed, opening up his satchel. He looked through the bundles of herbs in his bag. "Could stuff the rabbit with some mushrooms and wild carrot to cook. And a couple spices," Arthur pulled out the plants.

"A rare feast," Hosea chuckled, sitting down and pulling out his knife. Arthur handed him the carrots and Hosea chopped them roughly with his knife while Arthur halved the mushrooms and stuffed them and the carrots into the rabbit before sticking it over the fire to roast. As rustic and thrown together as it was, it was fancier than the usual plate of stew.

Soon a nice aroma filled the air as the rabbit meat cooked at the carrots and mushrooms began roasting in what little fat the rabbit had.

Both Hosea and Arthur were feeling a little funny, but both assumed it was likely just from being out in the sun. Neither had made the connection between the funny feeling and when they started handling and cooking the mushrooms.

The fire cooked the rabbit quickly, and soon enough their supper was ready. Arthur carved the rabbit and dished some out onto Hosea's mess-kit plate before dishing some out onto his own.

After a long day of hunting, the men were ravenous, neither worrying much about talking or table manners. Before long they'd scarfed down the rabbit along with the mushrooms and carrots, and licked those plates clean.

"What kind of mushrooms were those, Arthur?" Hosea asked as he licked up the last crumb.

"Just parasol mushrooms," Arthur shrugged.

"Really? Didn't taste much like parasol mushrooms," Hosea hummed. "Must have been something to do with cooking them inside the rabbit,"

Hosea set his plate aside before flopping down on his bedroll with a contented sigh. Arthur followed suit, rolling into his back to look at the stars.

Arthur was starting to feel really funny, almost like he was drunk. But not quite the same. Not any kind of drunkenness he'd ever felt before. He felt floaty and spinny, like he was drifting through a dream, but he was sure he was awake.

The stars above him began to twinkle brighter, and the colors seemed to shift in a beautiful rainbow of colors. The stars rippled like scales on a fish across the sky. It was all Arthur could do to stare open mouthed at the light show above him.

"H-hosea?" Arthur mumbled dumbly. Hosea hummed in response. "The stars look different to you?"

Hosea had been drifting off to sleep, feeling thoroughly relaxed after dinner. He opened his eyes and frowned upat the sky. When had the sun risen? And why was the sky such a strange purple color? But... No, there were stars, and the moon out. But the world was much brighter than it had been a moment before.

"Now that you mention it..." Hosea grumbled, rolling into his side. The world seemed to zoom in and out as he did, before settling into something akin to focus. "W...woah. Arthur you... You've grown!"

Indeed the man laying across the firepit seemed to have grown at least three feet in length.

"I have?" Arthur grumbled, holding up his hands, looking for any sign of growth. Arthur pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking over at Hosea. His eyes widened comically as he took in the sigh of his friend.

"Y... You're a moose!" Arthur gasped.

Indeed before him, instead of his oldest friend, a man who was more father to him than his own blood, an anthropomorphic moose sat on Hosea's bedroll. He had sprouted ears and magnificent antlers. His nose had grown long and looked remarkably squishable. His body had sprouted fur and though he moved like a man, pushing himself to his hind legs and using his front legs as hands, he now had hooves.

"Am I?" Hosea asked, looking down at his hands. And as if by magic, Arthur was right. No longer did he have fingers and hands. Instead he saw two large cloven hooves. He looked back at Arthur, who only seemed to be growing bigger, but was somehow still looking up at him with comically wide eyes.

"What... Are we dreaming?" Arthur mumbled.

"I don't think so..." Hosea hummed, still staring at his hands. "But..." He couldn't help but giggle. "But I'm not sure what else could be happening,"

"Maybe a bear got us," Arthur huffed, starting to panic a little. "Maybe we got mauled to death. Is this heaven?"

"I doubt it," Hosea chuckled, walking over to his giant friend. He practically had to break his neck to look up at Arthur as the man stood up. Hosea settled one cloven hoof on Arthur's giant arm. "Don't worry so much, huh. What's that thing Javier says sometimes? Que sera? Just relax,"

Hosea had a sneaking suspicion of what was happening. He'd tried his fair share of substances. They were very popular among theater troops. He'd never had an experience quite like this, but he was sure it was something in that realm. But telling Arthur would only make him anxious, and he knew during experiences like this, anxiety and fear were not your friends.

The sound of a flock of ducks coming to land on the shore near the lake caught both of their attention. Moose and giant both turned to look at the water.

Hosea gasped as he saw the lake before them, sparkling under the purple sky. The water was a rippling rainbow of colors. Shades and hues Hosea had never seen before. Colors no human had ever witnessed, he was sure.

Arthur was focused on the ducks along the shore, frowning as they laughed at him. They teased him for being so strange, for his hair cut and the scruff of his beard. They mocked the way he could only walk, and couldn't fly like him. None of their words really upset him, or cut him deep. But had they been some barfly he'd likely have smashed their faces in. But fighting ducks just seemed unfair. They were too small. Especially with his new size.

"Come on Arthur, let's get a close look!" Hosea cheered, inexplicably grabbing Arthur's arm with his large hoof and dragging Arthur behind him toward the lake.

"At the ducks?" Arthur grumbled. He wasn't sure he wanted to get even closer to the mean old ducks.

"No at the lake! Look at it!" Hosea gasped, coming to a stop right at the shore.

Arthur blinked, not quite sure what Hosea saw in the water that had him so excited. But as he studied the waves he began to see it. Or at least he saw what he assumed Hosea was also seeing.

To Arthur the water seemed to be made of flower petals. Reds and yellows and whites and oranges all rippled in waves across the water, lapping at the shore in front of him. Arthur bent down and scooped some of the petals up in his hands. They seemed to trickle out between his fingers like water, something between a liquid and a solid.

"Remarkable," Arthur murmured, watching the petals ebb and flow before him.

"Let's go swimming,"

Arthur looked over to see moose Hosea shedding his clothes until he was just down to his drawers.

Hosea tossed his clothes on the shore, ready to leap into the lake of colors before him. He whooped as his feet splashed into the rainbow water. It was crisp, like mountain lake water should be, but something about the cold water seemed to warm him, like the rainbow of colors was filling him with light.

Once he was deep enough, Hosea dove into the water, letting the strands of color and light woosh over him. He was pleasantly surprised to find that even if he swirled the water, the colors never muddied. They just swirled together before pulling back into separate streams.

Hosea surfaced, gasping for air. "Come on in, dear giant boy," he called to Arthur at the shore. "The colors are incredible,"

Arthur shucked his clothes quickly, getting down to his drawers as well. He'd always loved the feeling of flower petals against his fingers. He couldn't wait to see what they felt like as he swam through them.

The water was cold, and the moment he was up to his hips Arthur felt his balls draw up inside him. But against gritted teeth he kept moving through the water. The petals swirled around him moving aside for him but hugging to his body as well.

"Isn't it incredible?" Hosea asked, laying on his back in the water and floating around him.

"It is. I've always wanted to swim among them," Arthur mumbled, still wondering at the petals around him.

"Me too," Hosea admitted, thinking of all the rainbows he'd seen in his life.

The two men spent some time just swimming around, lost in their own hallucinations. Time meant nothing to either of them. It may have been a half an hour, it could have been a week. In fact it seemed to be both combined.

"Ahh. Just listen to the musical sounds of nature," Hosea sighed.

Arthur paused, listening for what Hosea might be hearing. Slowly the ducks, the fireflies, the crickets and frogs and bats, all the creatures around the lake began singing a familiar tune.

<I>The ring dang do

Now what is that?

It's soft and round like a pussy cat

Got a hole in the middle and it's split in two

That's what they call the ring dang do</I>

"I didn't know they knew that song," Arthur mused.

"Of course they do, Arthur," Hosea chuckled loudly, slapping Arthur's bare back. "They wrote this song,"

Hosea of course was referring to the loud symphony of quacks and ribbits and chirps that seemed to drown out all other sounds. It was growing so loud in fact he couldn't even hear Arthur humming along to Ring Dang Do.

"We should go back to camp," Arthur said after a moment. The water was cold, and he wasn't entirely certain but he thought it may have snapped his balls off. He no longer could feel them between his legs.

"What?" Hosea called, as if talking over a great cacophony of sounds.

"Camp," Arthur yelled back, grabbing Hosea's hoof-hand and tugging him back to shore.

Arthur didn't bother trying to find their clothes. He was pretty sure he saw his shirt fly off with a couple of ducks when Hosea started yelling.

Back at camp, the two settled onto their bedrolls once more. Arthur not so subtly pulled at the hem of his drawers, checking to see if his balls had indeed frozen and fallen off. He breathed a sigh of relief when they still seemed to be there, though he swore for a second his scrotum blinked up at him, but he didn't want to think about that too hard.

"Is the sun rising or setting?" Hosea asked.

"Erm... I think it set a while ago," Arthur mumbled, not really trusting himself.

There was a big ball of light in the sky but he wasn't sure if it was the sun or the moon. Or maybe it was gods eye staring down at his miscreant children.

"The stars are still out so it must still be dark," Hosea mused. He easily located Orion's belt in the sky.

But... Wait, had Orion always worn a gun belt? Since when was Orion a gunslinger? Oh shit he was drawing his weapon.

Hosea quickly reached for his rifle next to his bedroll, aiming up at the sky. At the same moment Orion pulled his gun, and the two gunslingers fired.

Hosea wasn't sure where Orion's bullet landed. His own shot seemed to go just over Orion's shoulder. Like gentlemen they'd both shot over each other, neither wanting to take the other's life.

"A draw," Hosea called out, setting his rifle aside.

"Nice shot," Arthur hummed, looking at the new home in the sky that Hosea's bullet had ripped through. He obviously had not seen Orion draw his gun on Hosea, else he likely would have tried to tackle the constellation out of the sky.

"Thank you," Hosea said proudly, laying back on his elbows.

He sighed, staring up at the stars once more.

The two men lay there for a time, lost in their own hallucinations. Eventually they both drifted off to sleep, just before sunrise.

~~~~~~~

When Arthur woke up, the sun was high in the sky. Actually it seemed like it was already on its downward journey, on the western half of the sky. They'd slept through most of the day already.

Arthur took a moment to take stock. He was still in nothing but his drawers, and it was only the shade of the trees they were camped under that had saved him from a terrible sunburn, laying out in the sun all day.

Arthur looked over the smoking coals of their dead campfire. Hosea was curled up around his bedroll like a cat, knees tucked up under his chin. That could not be comfortable, especially on older joints. Carefully, not quite trusting his balance after the night he'd had, Arthur pushed himself to his knees and crawled over to Hosea.

Carefully Arthur guided Hosea to lay on his stomach instead, easing his muscles out. Hosea grumbled and groaned, stirring but not quite waking up. He weakly tried to swat Arthur away.

"Come on, let me sleep," he grumbled.

"Fine, but if you keep sleeping like that your back is gonna seize up," Arthur chuckled.

Slowly Hosea seemed to wake up, rolling into his back and blinking up at the bright sky.

"You know, Arthur," Hosea grunted as he pulled himself to his feet. "I don't think those were parasol mushrooms,"

"Really?" Arthur huffed, rolling his eyes. "What gave you that idea?"

"But you know what?" Hosea sighed, clapping Arthur on the shoulder. "I ain't felt that good in... I don't know how long," he chuckled.

"Yeah, I suppose," Arthur huffed a laugh. He had to admit, he hadn't slept so well in quite some time. True now he had a bit of a hangover. The sun was quite bright and he still felt sleepy. But he also felt relaxed and calm.

"Why don't we take a walk back around the lake to were you found those mushrooms. Take a closer look," Hosea hummed with a little gleam in his eye. Arthur recognized all to well the signs that Hosea was not-so-subtly trying to coax him into going along with something.

"What, you wanna do that again?" Arthur laughed.

"Why not?"

"Well I think it'll be pretty hard to hunt a moose when the trees are dancin',"

"Ah forget the moose," Hosea scoffed, waving his hand dismissively, smiling at Arthur. "You and I hardly ever get to just relax and have some fun. Let's just take a few days and... Let loose,"

"Whatever you say," Arthur shook his head. But Hosea could tell from his big grin that he was on the same page, just as ready as Hosea to have a good time.

~~~~~~~

"Well," Dutch called as the two rode into camp some days later. "You two sure took your time. Did you catch the moose?"

"No?" Hosea mumbled, uncertain. "No I don't... I don't think so,"

"You don't... Think so?"

"We got a little, er... Distracted," Arthur chuckled sheepishly.

"Distracted by what?" Dutch asked, looking between the two. Suddenly Dutch felt like he was faced with a young John and Arthur having just gotten back from doing something they shouldn't have been. "Don't tell me you two spent the entire trip drunk out of your minds," Dutch sighed.

"Er... Something like that," Hosea sighed.

"I did manage to find some mushrooms. You can have some if you want," Arthur mumbled, holding out a handful of the special mushrooms.

In sync Arthur and Hosea burst out laughing, nearly falling over with glee at Dutch's confused face.

#arthur morgan & hosea matthews #mushrooms #recreational drug use

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